#becauze without that i have nothing. i am nothing. i like so many differwnt things and i want to believe somwone will love my humour | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

grandtheftpoptart · 2 years ago

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My grandmother gets mad when i hear her "private" conversations about me, but she speaks so fuckign loud?? Shes talking to my grandfather on speaker in the other room and i heard her say "if she lost 30-50 pounds, she's still going to be a bigger girl, or fat, because of her structure of her hips, legs, and thighs. I dont know how much she weighs now. She's extremely tall for a girl. She towers over guys her age and these things bother guys. There are guys interested in a heavy set girl, but other guys don't want to take the time to get to know someone, they judge based on looks" to which my grandfather replied "thats from society. she's still beautiful"

Stop talking about my weight and my height. I wish I were fuckign shorter, and I've already lost 50 pounds within the past year. I'm so insecure about these things and to imply I won't find someone to love based on my appearance not being accepted by society rly hurts. Like ??? This is why I can't stand my family. I'm the topic of every conversation and it's always negative or "oh I wish she was skinnier and shorter so she could actually find a man to love her"

#whats stupid is ive only had like 2 boyfriends actually in my life #and they were my height or shorter than me #ive casually dated a few people who are taller than me but that has never been about my personality and what i bring to a relationship and #only based on how i look/how i can 'preform' for them #that nonbinussy if you will #and now i rly cant trust whether people like me for me or not because all ive heard is how i should kill myself so i can please society and #im not going to be loved and apprecisted becauze 'the young and stupid men want a toothpick not her'#ive been loving my body so much because i can see im slimming down #and im consistently between hating my body and loving it. it provides for me but its also a contributing factor to why no one loves me how #i want to be loved apparently #accordijg to family^ not to me #this is why i make videos etc so i can feel good about myself but its not authentic #i love when people love my music and what i can do and take an interest in my interests #becauze without that i have nothing. i am nothing. i like so many differwnt things and i want to believe somwone will love my humour #and intellect. over my body. but i still want them to love my body and think im oretty #im not asking for much #rly getting mad at them pushing me to find a man. becauze until i moved out at 18 they didnt want me dating because they didnt eant me to #'end up like her mother' as in getting pregnant at 17 and not finishing school #as soon as i left and i turned 18 she was asking me when i was going to start having kids #like you have to be kidding me with this shit. her mother had her at 19. she had my mom at 19. my mom had me at 18. even on my fathers side #my great grandma had my nan at 18. my nan had my dad at 17. my dad had me at 16 #so for at least 3 generations (including all the cousins and shit) there have been young parents #but i wasnt allowed to? until i became a legal afult???#idek if im fertile and im afraid to find out if im not because i want to have kids #and if i find out i cannot girve birth it will break me. i know theres ivf and adoption but i also know i will never have the finances to #explore those options #so natural birth is the cheapest and only option i currently have. but no one wants a baby. and i cant with sound mind and body put someone #through the disjointed and fucked up life that i had #this is just a whole ass rant post. i need to walk the dog and bake before i go to my friends house for horror movie night #which ngl im looking forward to deapite the 'friends' they are

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