#because. i dont wanna hear it anymore
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i kinda hate when i make a silly post just. off the dome. and then it gets ten billion gazillion notes and people start saying "op what about" and "why didnt you mention" its like. you dont get it this took me 30 seconds to write and was meant to be seen by like 10 of my mutuals tops.
why are you in my house.
#life updates with jelly#this is why i turn notifications off every time a post i make gets to a couple thousand notes#because. i dont wanna hear it anymore#you guys are saying the same thing over and over and over again go awayyyyy#i was just trying to explain unification to a single anon in my inbox and then it got reblogged by every trek blog in existence#INCLUDING DIANE DUANE#and now everyone is yelling at me for calling spirk “the first ship” I KNOW IT WASNT OKAY I PHRASED IT WRONG#I DIDNT EXPECT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE TO SEE IT I WAS TALKING TO ONE SINGULAR PERSON IN MY INBOX
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I wish solomon would tuck me to bed
#rambles#im slightly annoyed because of some irl matters that i dont wanna go to sleep anymore#time check it's 4:30 am#tho i did got some few hours of sleep before that#hearing solomon's voice would heal me
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My dad's told me he's selling our childhood home and it's such a weird feeling. Because despite having an absolutely miserable time there, all my fondest childhood memories were of me being in the garden alone or with my cat and I would LOVE to go back there just one last time, but even if he didn't sell it I would never be able to go back, because the house that I remember only exists in my head. There's been so many renovations and buildings onto it since I left the country that it's not there anymore. I have to be content with myself walking around and visiting it in my head. It's a weird feeling.. to have mourned it long before it had even been sold
#he cut down my favourite giant tree#got rid of the front garden to build extra housing on there#and then got rid of the back garden#the banana trees are gone#i dont know where the toads will spawn now#hes knocked all the walls down inside the house#the house and garden i spent all my life in because i didnt have a social life does not exist anymore#it still exists on google maps#leaving this hear because i wanna draw a lil comic of this one day
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hot? take i do not like stonathan or steddie
#not a bone in my body cares about any of these characters#i like steve i guess because he used to be one of my favorites#but like.#oh my god i so dont care#i do not wanna hear about these freaks anymore#i dont like jonathan also hot take#i like umm that he and will have a good relationship but thats it#i could not care less about the shit with him and nancy#and eddie was just such a nothing character to me#sorry i cant care about a character that you bring in last second just to obviously kill in. a forced emotional moment at the end#which was only as sad as it was because dustin is an amazing character and gaten is an amazing actor#but like idk their dynamics do not wppeal to me#loser white man on loser white man on loser white man in this show 😪#anyways#stranger things#byler#< target audience#i guess#harpersays
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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I haven’t seen ur art is yearsss and idk why I’ve never thought to find you on other platforms, you’ve improved so much and I’m glad ur still posting😭😭
ALWAYS LOVED UR ART
this is genuinely the sweetest thing - thank you, oh my goodness 😭 I'm not super active on social media nowadays, but it's lovely to hear my art has stayed in your brain!! thank you!!
#genuinely this is making me so ajhajfhkhgkwgj#bless you this is so sweet#im very proud of how far i've come in terms of art:))#I don't post on instagram anymore because it's an advertisement hellscape#and im slow to post here because 1. i dont make that many finished pieces nowadays#2. im in rpgs rather than fandoms#and I don't wanna post THOSE because it's a public rpg society and can and will be tracked back to my real self akjhfsakjfwf#but I'm really glad to hear that :)))#this kind of message always makes me want to draw more#asks
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begging people to step back and look at how islamophobic the iron man movies really were LMAO
#the white rich billionaire being held captive by 'arab terrorists' and emerging a superhero#its not the take u think it is.#even in the comics it was 'vietnamese terrorists' who took tony captive#somehow someway the IM movies were just american propaganda for the war in the middle east. crazy#only good thing to come from those movies was the soundtrack and the blacksmith arms#tired of seeing so many bad takes or brainless takes so im speaking up lollll and i dont wanna hear about it xoxo#mk.post#i literally cannot even watch them anymore because of how poorly the brown people therein are represented#the way that the only 'good' arab is the one that helps tony stark escape and freely murder hundreds of ppl in the middle east#without consequence or jurisdiction or rationale#its too white saviour for me im sorry lads#anyway im gonna finish zadig#EDIT: i say this as one of the biggest tony girlies i know i love this man dearly and desperately but please. please. i-
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queueing up my memoryshipping gift art made me remember how much i love steven hehe
#im... i honestly cant feel myself like. losing my hype over my pokemen ahsbdbsbsb helppp girl helppp ive been cursed with loving pokemen#jokes aside . i like steven a lot. hes handsome but he actually cares for what he loves to do... hes always honing his skills...#both as a champion and a rock collector... though in the manga his champion title is not with him anymore - i still care about that#imagine getting a pretty guy who loves what he does? absolute husband material JSHFVSHSJ eeeek sorry sorry#on top of that he's a gentleman mf hes husband material OK!!!!!! see i have proof (shoves ruby stone on your face /j)#tho the stone family is not a perfect family without drama ☝️ don't worry lads they will get better ☝️ we gotta make sacrifices to get#the best ending imaginable... :]]#have i ever told you how funny steven and jaide are actually? like they're like the smartest (steven) and wittiest (jaide) couple alive#they just keep one upping each other with the way they talk... but like giiiirl damn just kiss already!!!#i dont wanna hear you both talk shit but like in a big brain kinda way!!! the physical tension is too strong for me quit the yip yapping!!!!#if redjaide is more on the actions (because red is mostly silent)#then stevaide is more on the words... heeehee#~ lovemail#steven stone.rom
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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He won't leave my fucking friends alone.
#tales from diana#sorry this is about that bad friend i have to break up w that ive posted abt on and off the past couple weeks/months maybe#i still have to send him that final 'i dont wanna speak to you ever again'#ive been fucking busy ok. my summer has been full of family events and obligations#i have one brother getting married and the other having a baby!!! i have a LIFE and SHIT TO DO and PPL TO BE THERE FOR other than YOU!!!#i havent spoken to him in over 2 months too and he knows it's bc i don't want to#he's so difficult bc you can't fucking tell him the truth. you can't!!! he can't handle it!!! do you know how hard it is to handle???#the things i have to do to cut him off. because he doesn't respect normal fucking boundaries. make ME feel like im in the wrong#like im the shady person and the liar.#i can't drift from him bc hell pull me back#i can't communicate w him bc he won't hear anything i have to say he'll just turn it around & make it abt himself.#he literally does not understand ppl having motivations to do things that don't relate to him#and he has no sympathy for what he does to other ppl. nothing but self-pity for how they don't like him anymore.#if he dealt w someone who put him through half of what he put ME through. no he couldn't actually.#i only allowed him to manipulate me for so long because i cared abt him. who i thought he was.#and he just point blank period doesn't care about other ppl. so he could never go through what ive gone through w him.#i feel like all this friend breakup has proven to me is that im actually a good person and it can be used against me by ppl who arent#some fucking lesson i needed to learn huh?#i hate feeling as negatively towards anyone as i do towards him. it's so hard for me not to have at least#a little spark of hope deep down for everyone. even ppl ive removed from my life before. i dont HATE them#theyve disappointed me or insulted me or mistreated me but at least their motivations seemed simple and clear#and MOST of them seemed to understand SOMEWHAT that they were in the wrong#even if they don't admit it to me or still find an excuse to hate me. whatever#i can see them as ppl who might feel remorse someday and grow from it#i do not see it in this guy. bc if you have a problem w him he'll only make it 20 times worse.#he's so selfish it genuinely baffles me to think about it. and he's one of the least honest ppl ive ever known.#he'll never see the error of his ways. i do not believe he has that capacity.#and will i say none of this to him? no#im just going to say thanks for leaving me alone these past couple months. it's been good for me.#i don't think i can continue our friendship anymore for my own sake.
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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listening to upper middle class people talk about their lives while not realizing how privileged they are will never not be grating on me. the way they don’t even realize how so much in their life has just been handed to them.
at least crazy rich people don’t pretend to be poor
#am i just mad because im working my body into deterioration at the ripe old age of 20. yes i am.#but fuuuuuck dude i dont wanna hear that shit anymore they need to just shuut up#this is just a general feeling btw. no one person in particular. i am just full of hatred and evny as a whole. everything is terrible.
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yall what color and specific kinds of cat ears would ur fav have AND DO NOT just go by the hair on their heads THAT IS BLAND AND OVERDONE we are an INNOVATIVE SOCIETY HERE!!!! if ure gonna be cringe at least be creative with it cmon people
#jaren would have white ones but tries to convince everyone hes a black panther who hasnt been out in the sun alot#maxey feels like an orange cat like garfield with the stripes but i think grey is cute too#either way he needs stripes#gup would be like the van cats with the upright pointy ears with reddish orange backs and white fronts#jabari would have those huge kinda regal abyssian cat ears that take a whole 1/3 side of the head each#rusty tan color#giannis would have curled brown ears because they look like lil baby deer antlers#jrue would have folded ones but not fully just enough where they look floppy and cute#sauce would have giant siamese cat ears (the fluffy kind)#im tired and dont wanna think anymore i mainly thought this to see ur thoughts so INTERACT OR D1E!!!!!!#ted talks to THE COMMUNITY !!!#feel free to share ur thoughts idc if i might not know them i wanna hear#wiggs would have hairy grey ears with tufts
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goodnight
#do u wanna hear my intense almost midnight thoughts? no? too bad#i am barely on tumblr anymore which is very scary because this hellscape got me thru Literally Everything and i dont like drifting away from#things#i do love it here and everyone here too i promise but so many people have either left or i cant find them anymore or dont post and idk im so#tired right now my brain is barely functioning. i csnt sleep so whatever#also i love women
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i have a white cishet friend. he is quite liberal but oh my god. i told him about how my cousin has experienced so much racism in the work place for being middle easterner. and he was just like "are you suuuuure about that? maybe it was because his workplace was in tech, other places are not at all racist. actually my country is so much less racist than japan" (i still hv no clue why he just casually brought up japan and was racist towards them too...dont ask me.)
i told him that so many middle easterners that immigrated to his country have told me that they are in fact quite racist and he answered with, "we aren't racist so it might be their personalities. if their personality is bad then we wouldnt want to hang out with them" my man...just said that an entire country's personality is bad and doesnt see himself as racist...imma scream.
White Feminism
#i dont wanna be his friend anymore tbh#white ppl trying to do activism can go so bad sometimes and its exhausting because they dont hear you out at all#charlie.txt#chaotic academia#art
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can everyone just shut up
#my cuts are deep enough or long enough#i always eat too much#i can't burn#i can't hear it anymore#i lost my pen#im worthless if i can't hear it#i wanna pull off all my skin why didn't it work#it doesn't make sense#i wasn't going to kill myself because i was meant to do what it said but i can't hear it so now i dont know#i dont know what else to try#tw ed
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