#because you start looking for them not only because it makes interracting with them easier

[pyxrin]

Also, their expressions and mannerisms would be so diff. Not to mention their voices, but that's obvious.

am i wrong

[raihanijulie]

[ LEMNISCUS GUIDE BLOG!!! ]

☆Reading until end of blog will be much appreciated!!! (Psst, theres a discord server link i slipped in btw....)

Picture below isnt accurate with tumblr bc this was made for instagram post.

You may be wondering... "What is Lemniscus? Why do you keep mentioning it in your posts?"

TO BEGIN WITH, Lemniscus is one of the planets in this universe with Ribbaniuns the living beings in it! The population of Lemniscus consist the various anthropomorphic animals.

And thats where we begin sharing the story and contents of these characters by the name LEMNISCUS! You could say Lemniscus is a series/project my friends and i worked on together!!! (We took Lemniscus bc we literally only focus on this planet... No else.)

Ah... So then, "Who are the characters? Why do they look like the characters from Sonic series?"

THIS. is a good one to explain and i reallly want you guys to keep in mind with this!!!!

Yes! The Lemniscus cast does look like the characters from Sonic the hedgehog because they do take the design and traits inspiration from them! BUT! The personality, backstories, interractions, lores, all of those... We worked and develop on it ourselves!!! (Theres similiarities still, but its only SLIGHT!!! Theres some differences when compared)

Thats why this is NOT counted as Sonic au, instead, its their own universe and story! The Lemniscus cast are original characters/ocs based on existing character that later we develop so they wont look EXACTLY like the existing char they took inspiration of!

I could say that this universe's origins of making is basically 'based on Sonic'. Throughout time, there are improvisasion little by little as we worked on building chars and stories, making it their own thing :D!! So, again, Lemniscus and Sonic are two different thing... I appreciate yall's understanding. I dont want any miscommunication between Lemniscus and Sonic franchise! <"3

The original characters belong to their respective owners <3 (Keep in mind we are 4 person putting our characters in ONE and worked together in this)

Alright!!! Now INTRODUCE THE CAST/CHARACTERS!

Here ill list out the characters name with their profile links AND respective owners too! Get to know each of them by clicking their names:

Hz Railstar, Alora Quinn, Victoria Opal, Ezra (JULIE/HANA!!! ME!!! :D HOIHOI!!! I link you guys to my chars' masterpost in tumblr hehe,,, its more detailed!!!)

Gausberto, Nova, Puffin, Xenophone (Hani! NOTE: She doesnt put much infos of her characters, i'll most likely be the one to share the infos through source from her she is my own sister after all Infos about Hani's chars are most likely in the discord server!)

Aero and Noire ( @m3tr0n0m333 )

Rambutan Stoneheart ( @cherriosblog )

OH!!! But thats not it!! Theres more infos i'd like to share....

Slowly but surely, we noticed our Lemniscus contents dragged people to start being curious about it, even interested with the series/project we worked! Of course, with a warm welcome, we opened a discord server, ☆LEMNISCUS (Hz Universe), for the little community we have :D!!!

The server is a great place for you to learn more about the characters (bc again, SOME of the Lemniscus cast here are explained alot more in the discord server instead!) and LORESSS obviously! Its even easier and you can keep on track whenever new things are shared by us :)

The characters arent only the ones shown here... In fact, there are more than you think. Yes! Im talkin bout the side characters! Theyre mostly explained and digged alot more in the server soo....

Hop in and join to get more familliar of Lemniscus!! ☆

.

This must conclude the blog. Thank you everyone for the consideration and supports of this little project we worked on! <3 I, the one to start all this fun chaotic universe is very grateful that i'd make it this far by sharing contents of these silli cast, not only me, but by you dedicated supporters and friends that worked alongside me ☆

Live, laugh, burn Hertz!🔥🔥🔥🔥

[dykesprentiss]

ok so. i know a lot of this has probably been said before, but i wanted to put my two cents in. very rambly and disorganized because i am just like that.

i think everyone in this fandom needs to examine the way they interract with male vs female characters. why is it easier for you to focus on and create content for male characters that have appeared in 2 episodes maximum, then it is for the women that are in the main cast? why do you gravitate towards ships between two male characters who have never met (specifically jonah and like. his harem of old british men. usually based on one single line of dialogue) then the actual, canon wlw relationships?

like dont get me wrong, when lonely eyes first started cropping up it was funny! i enjoyed it, i enjoyed the multiple divorce jokes, because it was a small fandom in joke that made fun of some old bastards. and now its the second most popular ship in the fandom. now its so popular, people think its canon before they start listening. why are you unable to muster that same kind of enthusiasm for any of the female characters? gertrude and mary have very similar appeal to lonely eyes, and yet its a fringe ship that nobody ever talks about. gertrude and agnes have very significant moments and mentions in the podcast, and yet the only people i see talking about them are wlw.

or we could talk about michael and helen! helen who, as of this moment, has become a key player in the storyline. helen who yeeted michael out of existence, who took over the power of the distortion by her own choice, and with her own strength. and so often i see her relegated to "vodka aunt that coos over jonmartin" is that a bad take on her? of course not! but having her only purpose be to comment on the male characters rubs me the wrong way.

lets talk about elias and mary. elias gets praise, and love, and devotion, regardless of the horrible things he does. the entire fandom has the reputation of eliasfuckers now because everyone goes so crazy for him. mary is just as evil, has just as sexy a voice (i assume lol cause tbh? eel eyes does not do it for me and never will), and people just. hate her. full stop. why is that?

it seems like manuela has been. completely forgotten. i Never see anyone talk about her. she has just as much appeal as the male avatars, so why are you so uninterested in her? sasha and tim have the same amount of importance, and both have died, but there is So much more focus on tim. why.

daisy/basira and melanie/georgie are incredibly well developed relationships, their stories are as beautiful and tragic and intimate as jonmartin, but the f/f and m/m fic ratio on ao3 is abysmal. because it seems to me that the only people writing about them are wlw.

which happens.....a lot. het relationships and gay relationships are for everyone, but lesbian ships? thats just for gay women. everyone goes head over heels for mlm movies, regardless of sexuality, but wlw movies never receive the same kind of treatment. why.

this isn't even touching on the. blatant and disgusting fetishising of mlm. elias is evil because hes gay and skanky. tim is bi so he must sleep around. tim and martin are both mlm in the same vicinity of each other so they must have had a friends with benefits relationship. jon/elias and peter/martin have significant age differences and power disparities, so they must have an incredibly fucked up sexual relationship. jon is ace, but yall just fully ignore that so you can write horny fic of him. (and im going to be completely honest, if you get legitimate joy from writing manipulative r*pe fic involving these characters, Especially involving an ace character, ( edit: i apologize for my wording here, i didnt intend to compare trauma between ace and non ace ppl. my point is that jon seems to be the main target in these fics, and that they seem to be a direct response to his asexuality. fic like this is bad regardless of who is targetted). than that is a big problem. you arent "exploring dark topics in a meaningful way" youre writing fucked up porn for your own sick enjoyment. get angry at me all u want lmao but i stand by that)

i could go on about this forever, but what im really asking is for people to look inward and ask yourselves why you are so against connecting and interracting with female characters? no one is saying you cant like the men, but if theyre the only ones you care about? thats a problem. there are more women in tma then there are men, but they still feel like the minority because of the way the fandom acts. this isnt just a tma problem either! you can put as many rounded out female characters as you want into your content, and every time without fail they will be pushed to the side in favor of the men.

and dont come at me with "oh if you want content of the women you should make it" like we fucking are. the issue is that wlw are the only ones doing it. just take a second and think. are you ignoring the female characters in favor of the men? why? why is that your first instinct? why do you not feel the need to go against that instinct?

[scripttorture]

I have a weird scenario and i want to ask about its implications, mostly focusing on soliditary confinement aspects. So I am writing about this all powerful being who is immortal+eternally youthful (with a human like mind) who gets trapped in basically a big snowglobe created by his powers. Its a big mostly open space set inside a forest with a magic mansion to occupy him and provide him basic needs and the limits of the globe are very defined. {1/4}

{Weird anon} After some time alone he comes to create a friend to accompany him and make sure everything goes well during his absence using his powers. This friend can and does leave for periods of time to fullfill his duties but comes back. The being also realises during his imprisonment his powers dwindle with time and the globe starts to get smaller as he starts to age, meaning he will either die from old age or the globe shrinking. {2/4} {WA}After what he thinks must be a long time, his graying hair biggest indication, kids who knew about his legend come to discover him. They then bring him their older sibling, then their parents to talk and after some plot he gets to get some of his powers back and be free. (Posting my questions in the last part) {3/4} {WA} I was wondering if the confinement area being comfy and big, him having this friend would help during confinement? How could he react to aging/idea of dying? Although this isnt very possible in RL, could the fact he had to create this friend ,but mostly the fact he would have no one else if he didnt, get to him? How could he interract with kids/people who found him, i know people tend to have difficulty with interractions after time. Ty for your help! {4/4} {WA EXTRA} Forgot to mention these but 3 kids are 10 to 12, older sibling is 14-15, parents are mid thirties . Again, thank you for your time.

-

That’s an interesting fantasy scenario (and not even close to the weirdest thing I’ve been asked) thank you for sharing it :)

 I think the first thing to grasp is that this character isn’t constantly in solitary confinement here and that’s a smart writing choice. You’ve got the character creating at least one companion and even though that companion isn’t always present that means it’s likely they’re both getting at least 1-2 hours of contact most of the time.

 That doesn’t mean this isn’t a stressful situation and it doesn’t mean there are no periods of solitary confinement.

 But it gives you leeway to make the effects of this fairly realistic even with the fantasy concept.

 Having a big, comfortable space doesn’t really make a difference to how well people deal with isolation. Socialising is a physical need for social species like humans. But the presence of a companion makes the world of difference.

 I think the first thing to decide is exactly how long it takes him to make his companion. A lot of people really overestimate the time we can withstand isolation.

 For reference the safe period is about a week. After that most people will start to show symptoms and the symptoms are a lot more likely to persist after release. A month is more then enough time for the character to be seriously effected. A year is a really extreme amount of time. And by the time you start getting to multiple years the chances of suicide attempts are… significant.

 With the kind of story you’re describing I get the impression you want long term effects but don’t want symptoms etc to take over the story. I think 1-3 months is a perfect time frame for that. The character would develop long term symptoms but it’s still in the realm where it’s survivable. Which means it’s less likely to take over the whole narrative.

 You’ve probably seen my masterpost on solitary confinement but here it is again just in case :) I really recommend Shalev’s Sourcebook on Solitary Confinement which is linked as one of the sources on the post.

 As with the symptoms of torture more generally you’ve got some scope to choose symptoms because not everyone will experience every single symptom. There’s still some debate about how common individual symptoms are. However broadly depression and anxiety seem to be very common and hallucinations are less common (though they seem to become more likely the longer someone is confined). It’s a good idea to pick a mix of physical and psychological symptoms.

 If you choose insomnia as a symptom remember that sleep deprivation also causes problems which you can read about in the masterpost here.

 If this is your first time writing something like this then picking out symptoms can be daunting. I try to think of it in terms of what adds to the story. I try to consider the characters, plot and overall themes. Symptoms that give you opportunities to show aspects of the character’s personality, change their relationship with other characters, highlight themes in the story and/or create interesting problems in the plot later on are all good picks.

 It’s also important to consider what you’re comfortable writing and what you feel able to write. If you don’t want to write self harm for example that’s a perfectly good reason for ruling out that symptom.

 I have a post that outlines my process for picking symptoms that might be helpful for you. :)

 I think that brings us round to the more fantasy side of the questions.

 I’ll be honest and say that I don’t know how people generally deal with the idea that they’re going to die soon. I suspect that there’d be a lot of individual variation. I think you’ll get the best answers by looking up charities that support people with terminal illnesses.

 I found a couple of links at Marie Curie that might serve as a starting point. There’s this page on palliative care. This general page (with lots of links and first hand accounts) of living with a terminal illness. You might find this page about emotionally processing a terminal diagnosis helpful.

 I would treat the emotional issues around the created companion the same as a character who is reliant on only one person for their social needs. Which can put a lot of weird strains on a relationship.

 I’m not a psychologist and what I say here is based on impressions I gained from interviews with people who are very isolated. If you see a mental health professional or someone who studies isolation more seriously saying something different take their word over mine. Because my reading and knowledge is broad rather then deep.

 Relying on one person for all your social needs isn’t healthy. We all have different needs and it’s a lot easier for those needs to be met when we’re interacting with more then one person. Being entirely reliant on one person puts a lot of pressure on that person. It can make it seem like any problems or issues the more isolated person has are the other person’s fault.

 Because they’re not magically meeting all of someone’s needs. And I say ‘magically’ because it’s almost impossible for one person to do the ‘job’ of a dozen people.

 There can be a lot of guilt, resentment and anger floating around in this sort of dependant relationship. Even when both parties are genuinely trying their best and trying to be healthy.

 Any depressive period or severe mood swing on the part of the reliant character might be interpreted as failure by the companion. As if it’s their job to ‘fix’ the mental health problems he has. And that can lead to a lot of internalised guilt and shame.

 Conversely being aware of how dependant he is could make the confined character resent the comparative freedom of his companion. They get to leave. They’ll survive the end of this snow-globe. They’ve never had to be alone as he was.

 The companion has a lot of power in this scenario because the confined character is entirely reliant on them. They also have the power to leave. Knowing that can breed resentment, whether it’s rational or not. And if it’s irrational and ‘undeserved’ that can lead to a degree of self hatred and guilt.

 For both parties anger at each other and the situation seems likely. Not necessarily all the time but I think it’s likely to come up over and over again.

 The companion has their own desires and wants. But the confined character is entirely dependant on them and may well expect them to drop everything to help him/meet his socialisation needs. And the thing is that’s unfair on both of them, because the situation is unfair.

 That’s not a critique of the story. It’s unfair for the confined character to expect the companion to be able to meet all his needs and to drop everything to help him. But it’s also not unreasonable for the confined character to grasp at his only option for fulfilling a fundamental need.

 I think that if you wanted to treat this ‘realistically’ then it would lead to a pretty unhealthy co-dependant relationship however much both characters tried to avoid that.

 But you do have the ability to reduce or avoid that in your story. Because you choose the rules for how this companion feels, acts and behaves.

 The confined character may be human-like but in a lot of ways the companion does not have to be. A realistic human-like person would not be able to support all the social needs of another person. But there’s no reason the companion has to be that human.

 If you do choose to deviate from a more human-like character I think my advice would be to think through any changes you make logically. And be consistent. If for instance the character can’t feel angry or resentful towards their creator think through what that might mean.

 Which leaves the final question about interacting with others and how difficult that can be after periods of isolation.

 The exact way this effects interactions depends chiefly on the symptoms you pick out and the character’s personality.

 Generally mentally ill people do not want to be assholes or upset other people. But we do tend to have greater difficulties interacting with people and our social interactions can go badly in ways that healthy people don’t tend to experience.

 For instance say we have a character who has a severe anxiety disorder and this disorder is often set off by noises they don’t expect. That’s a fairly common symptom and a fairly common trigger for it.

 That means that kids running around, shouting or just talking loudly about something that excites them, could set off an anxiety attack.

 Some people would get angry in that situation. Because they’re in pain and, even though they did not mean to, those kids ‘caused’ that pain.

 Some people would abruptly remove themselves from the situation. Which could leave the kids wondering why/how they upset their new friend so much.

 Some people would stick around and not blame the kids. But they might have visible signs of their anxiety attack that could be very frightening for a child who doesn’t understand what’s going on. If an adult they care about suddenly starts shaking and breathing hard and needs to sit down and looks pale- Well worry is natural. And it’s difficult to explain triggers/mental health problems while you’re in the middle of an anxiety attack.

 So there’s a set of issues that are symptom driven and around the extra difficulties interacting while mentally ill. There’s also a set of issues around… basically forgetting how to socialise.

 This doesn’t necessarily mean being age in-appropriate.

 I think the best way to think about it is a combination of finding it harder to interpret other people’s emotional cues and being less aware of the cues they’re sending out themselves. It might take longer for the character to realise they’ve upset someone or they might misidentify the other person’s emotional response.

 They might also think less before they speak. Which can mean things like- I guess not moderating what they say to account for other people’s feelings? They might come across as blunt or thoughtless or scatter brained as they jump from one topic to another. They might also have less of a grasp of when to give the other person space and let them speak.

 The biggest thing I see survivors of solitary report is that normal social interaction makes them much more anxious/nervous then it did before they were confined. Socialising has a bigger ‘cost’ then before, in terms of energy and emotional impact.

 And this often means they withdraw from it more quickly. They need to take breaks. Or they start getting more stressed and frustrated.

 I think the main thing to navigate here would be how to explain these conditions and needs to children in a way that doesn’t seem like it’s blaming the kids. Which is certainly possible, but can take some time and care to get right.

 I think I’ll leave it there and if you’ve got any further questions drop them in when the ask box reopens. I hope that helps :)

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Disclaimer

[fisumisu]

ALRIGHT! I’ve now seen the new Cats movie!

My first thought?

”That could’ve been a lot worse, actually.”

Even if I didn’t absolutely love it, some of the songs really brought me glimpses of the happiness and excitement I got from the original musical, and dare I say it, I would actually like to see the new movie again.

I went to see it right after watching the old version with my friend (she loved it btw!) and so, the contrast was pretty big.

My general thoughts and some shameless ranting with absolutely no order *spoilers ahead*:

- I got used to the designs of the characters quite quickly, there were some I liked more than the others but my mind numbed to it eventually. "You get used to anything, except an icicle up in your asshole", as the age old Finnish saying goes (and that's a rock fact).

- However, I did not like Jennyanydots the Bodyhorror Cat and I am pretty sure the person behind every decision regarding her might be an alien.

-Bustopher Jones lost all his dignity. In the musical he is very respected and completely fine with being a ”bounder”, yet in the movie they make a joke about him being sensitive about it. I also could’ve done without seeing cat men and women wolf down garbage.

- Apparently falling and tripping on things is still concidered to be peak humor in Hollywood.

- (maybe thanks to that) Instead of the humor coming from just their body language, they relied more on the spoken gags. Most of them are pretty meh. However, I’ll never forget the ”Is he neutered? That note was kiiinda high...” line, ’cause, whoa... wow... damn... Didn’t expect that. Lmao.

- Speaking of the Rum Tum Tugger... well, let’s just say John Partridge will probably keep the mantle of being the best Tugger forever. Derulo has a good voice but the whole design given to his character and the way they had downgraded his importance in the movie made him a tad forgettable.

- Also, Jellicle cats do not have cheerful faces, actually Jellicle cats seem rather mean.

- The ”Touch me!” Part of Memory lost most of its meaning since the importance of touch was never implied in the movie. I’m also annoyed that the directors didn’t tell the actor of Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson) to go a bit easier on her first two appearances and do the full blast crying scene at the end when she’s pleading the other cats to accept her. Her emotion was seriously amazing, but because it was too strong right from the start, she lost the wow moment she could’ve had at the end. It wasn’t her fault, Memory is supposed to be an emotional roller coaster, but she should’ve been directed better.

- I prefer Grizabella being much older looking overall, even in the musical productions, since the comparison between how the Jellicles behave towards Gus and Grizabella is quite an important point to me. If they are both older cats, it’s easier to see and the decision to send her to the Heaviside layer more justified. Yeah, Grizabella’s coat was a bit dusty and the corner of her eye a bit scarred in the movie but she was waaaaaaay too fine to think she’d need a whole new life to fix herself. Nope.

- Very important note: There definitely should've been a rule that cats with clothes should KEEP THEM ON during the entire movie. The whole deal with clothing was utterly baffling altogether. Some cats had cat sized shoes, hats, jackets and they seemed unable to decide if they should keep them on or be in their birthday suits most of the time. Plus, if some cats have clothes and others don’t, it’s just going to look odd. And hey, why is that one cat otherwise naked but wearing shoes? I don’t know man, nobody knows.

- Thankfully, Skimbleshanks the Railway cat decided he rather liked his pants and never removed them. His tap dancing number was one of the best scenes in the movie. He also had a proper excuse to wear cat shoes. Good job Skimble.

- Ian McKellen (the cat) had the kind of fur around his head I wish every cat on the movie would’ve had. I’ll never forget him saying ”Meow, meow, meow!” Or dunking his head into a bowl to lap water with his tongue. I actually got a bit teary eyed watching his number.

- I don’t feel that Taylor Swift’s Bobalurina was... well, Bombalurina. She was just some hench cat whose only purpose was to get everyone high on catnip and preach about Macavity.

- Honestly, I actually thought the whole Macavity song part was pretty neat! Hear me out (don’t scoff, lol). Yes, it was odd, but the way the dancers started moving when the golden flakes touched them was fascinating to watch. It was almost like a reference to the beginning where the cats couldn’t help but dance under the Jellicle moon and their movement showed that clearly. Storytelling, but with dance! Can you believe it!? I’m just sad that the CGI cheapened the dancers’ amazing performances during the whole movie since their movement looked odd at places thanks to the added fur. When there’s so much digitally added effects on screen, you can’t help but wonder, is this real or just animated?

- I haven’t said anything about Munkustrap, I notice. Maybe because I like complaining too much and had to get all the whining out of the way. Good news, Munk remains a good, good cat and he was definitely my favourite character, alongside with Skimble (who kept his pants on, as you might recall). Thank the Everlasting cat or the Maker for small mercies.

- Also, to people talking about Munk and Misto in this new movie, I see ya. My poor heart is quite confused since the song Mr Mistoffelees is, and will always be, to me (and many others) Tugger and Mistoffelees' song, and therefore can have that kinda romantic vibe. Since they threw Tugger out of the window, going as far as to make the two interract as little as possible, I’d rather eat my right leg than accept the romance they cooked up with Victoria and Misto. Since Munkustrap sings the first parts of Mistoffelees’ song in the movie, I can see why Munk and Misto could be seen as a new pairing.

I don’t mind if you like Victoria and Misto together, it doesn’t itch my bum what other people enjoy, so have fun! Victoria x misto is just not for me. If I had to choose who I ship in this movie, I’d probably ship Skimbleshanks with his hat. It’s a very good hat. You can’t see the CGI ears under it. Oh, did I mention Skimble's pants? They were red and he kept them on throughout the whole movie.

- (just remembered) Victoria singing Beautiful Ghosts to Grizabella immediately after Grizabella ended her second part of Memory, reminded me of that Tall Girl meme from last year. Like, “You think your life is hard?" *bursts into song*

- Macavity being so desperate about getting to the Heaviside layer was actually pretty hilarious and the whole thing about him vanishing all the other “contestants” was something new and unexpected. Didn’t really mind it. I just wish the big finale would’ve been Mistoffelees making all the vanished cats appear again.

- Judyteronomy teleporting behind everyone after Mistoffelees song made me laugh.

- Mistoffelees believing in himself at the end of the movie was pretty wholesome.

- Hey! Macavity’s fur actually looked a bit red when the light hit it from just the right angle and the stars aligned! I wonder if that was one of the features they added when they did the updates. Maybe that's why they couldn't afford to give people cat noses. Oh well.

And that’s all for now!

This is already pretty long and got kinda outta hand. Thanks if you read this whole thing! I just wanted to vent and gather my thoughts about the movie. I love to nitpick and poke at stuff. I hope I didn't come across too negative or say only things everyone and their mothers have already talked about. The movie was far from perfect but in this nice safe bubble of ours no one should feel ashamed of liking something Cats the musical related. I'm actually itching to see this again, in all its horrifying glory, because despite all its flaws and things I wish they would've done differently, it's still Cats and some of the songs and scenes absolutely, quite positively slapped.

If you, for some unthinkable reason, would like to know my thoughts on a specific scene or thing in the new Cats movie, or just anything Cats related, feel free to ask me!

Toodle pip!

[teamkaiforever]

Give Me A Chance

(requested by @selma-prq) BONKAI word count : 1 824 summary : (after Damon leaves 1994) Kai has feelings for Bonnie and she has some feelings for him too , but she keeps trying to deny them. * not my gif __________________

Ever since the first time Kai saw Bonnie there had been something about her that drew him in. He didn’t know if it was because she was the very first person he had seen in 18 years or because of her personality or because she was his ticket out of the Prison world. He just knew he liked her. Being a sociopath , emotions rarely bothered him but things with Bonnie were different. She was brave , loyal … Kai liked that about her. He had never had anyone like her in his life. After the officially met , he tried flirting with her and it was all going perfectly fine until she found out what he had done. For some reason she couldn’t forgive him for that the same way she had forgiven Damon’s many sins. Yet the more she resisted the more he wanted to get her to like him. Even after she had killed him and crossed him not once but twice , he still wanted that.

Kai hadn’t seen coming Bonnie giving up her magic. Part of him had hoped they’d get out , maybe somehow he’d get her to go out on a date with him or something. Instead things never seemed to work out in the way he wanted them to. He had spend so much time alone in the Prison World , his human interraction skills have gone into a deep slumber. Kai couldn’t understand why Bonnie didn’t like him. He was nice … ish. When they had first met he had felt something and he rarely felt anything towards anyone , specially strangers. Kai found himself unexplicably drawn to her , thinking about her all the time even when he didn’t want to. “I can’t believe you chose to send away your magic. That has to be the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. ” said Kai , his hand holding onto Bonnie’s arm practically pulling her after him in the direction of the Salvatore house. “You spent 4 months trying to get it back only to give it away …” “It’s a small price to pay too keep you from getting out.” said Bonnie , wriggling her hand out of Kai’s grasp. “I’d do it all over again in a heart beat.” Kai clenched his jaw for a moment , his eyes piercing into hers. Then he started laughing. ‘Or maybe ’ he thought. ‘she is finally starting to like me and just wanted to be all alone with me.’ Bonnie looked at him confused , unable to figure out what was so funny. She had basically doomed both of them to spend eternity alone together … and then it hit her. Maybe Kai was right. By dooming him , she doomed herself, but there had to be another way out , right ? If such a thing existed , she planned on finding it and getting out on her own. “Ugh … You are unbelievable.” she said turning on her heels and walking away from him. The less time Bonnie spent around Kai , the easier it was for her to shove all those feelings she had for him. Sometimes she wondered if she had gone crazy spending four months only with Damon because before that , she never would’ve fallen for a person like Kai…even if he was one the hottest guys she had met. Bonnie got to the house first , walked upstairs into Damon’s room , tossing herself onto the bed. “Never thought I’d say this … but I miss you , Damon.” she muttered to herself.

-

“Morning.” Kai said hovering over Bonnie who had fallen asleep on the sofa the night before after she and Kai had been playing monopoly because Kai kept insisting ‘it will be fun’. “I made you breakfast.” he said , pulling her up and dragging her towards the kitchen. “Pancakes ! You will love them , they are much better than Damon’s.” Bonnie sat on the table , a plate with pancakes landing in front of her alongside a glass with orange juice and a cup with coffee. “Why are you doing all this ? I will never like you or enjoy your company … ” “Can’t you see I am trying to be nice ? We will be stuck here for all eterntiy , I just want us to get along.” he said , sitting on the opposite side of the table , digging in his pancakes. Bonnie just stared at him. “Oh come on , Bon Bon. You can’t hate me forever. What would you have done in my place ? Let your only chance to go home slip away ? ” Bonnie sighed , glancing at the pancakes. She was hungry and the pancakes looked incredible - fluffy , the perfect shade of golden brown and very appetising. Kai looked at her expectantly. There was something about his eyes this morning that was different and for a moment she actually considered their etenity together. ‘Maybe it won’t be that bad.’ she thought.

“Only because I am hungry.” she said taking a bite from her pancakes. “MMm those are … awful absolutely awful.” Kai squinted his eyes for moment , knowing fully well Bonnie is lying. “Whatever , I know you like them.” he said. “You don’t have to pretend , Bonnie. I see everything that’s going on here…” Bonnie glanced at him , took a few sips from her juice and without a word walked out of the kitchen. “Where are you going ?” “To pick my half of the world..” she called out. “…so I don’t have to listen to you for another second.” she muttered to herself as she walked out the Salvatore Boarding House. It was really hard hating Kai when he was doing gestures like this but it also wasn’t enough to get her to forgive him for shooting an arrow in her abdomen or chasing her in the hospital , nearly choking her afterwards. A minute passed before Kai got up and ran after her , quickly catching up with Bonnie. “Slow down. It’s not like the world is going anywhere.” “Ugh.” “Oh , come on Bonnie. Damon is gone , you don’t have to pretend you don’t like me anymore.” “Who’s pretending?” Bonnie kept walking towards town with Kai at her tail , not slowing down for a second. He took a few steps ahead and blocked her way. “It’s OK I like you too… you are not the ‘most annoying person in the world’ as Damon said. You can teach me to be good.” Bonnie rolled her eyes. Even if what Kai said was true , he was still a psychopath who at any moment might turn on her and kill her without anyone realising it had even happened. “You don’t like me. You are just afraid I’ll find a way out and ditch you behind.” “Oh-kay. That may be partially true but ..” “No 'but’s , Kai. You are not getting out of here , I am not getting out of here. The fact we will both be stuck in this 'wonderful magical world’ doesn’t mean we have to talk or see each other. ” “Ouch.” “Yeah. Ouch. Now move out of my way.” Kai didn’t move an inch and Bonnie pushed her way past him. He grabbed her wrist making her turn around towards him. “You can deny it all you want Bon Bon… but I know the truth. So do you.” Bonnie wriggled her wrist out of Kai’s hands and continued on her way to Mystic Falls , fighting off the butterflies in her stomach and the feeling she had gotten having Kai look at her the way he had.

The next few days were hard to say the least. Kai was annoying as hell , never shutting up. A few times Bonnie actually found herself enjoying his company. When that happened she usually just up and left wherever they were just to stop herself from showing him that he is starting to win her over. He was acting more charming by the minute making it harder for her to deny how his smile was able to make her heart flutter , how his blue eyes could send butterflies in her stomach with one look. That night she went to sleep thinking about him.

-

Kai smiled to himself. He hadn’t had a clue how interesting and fun it could be watching someone sleep. “Morning sleepyhead.” Bonnie opened her eyes , widening in shock at seeing Kai laying on the bed next to her , his hands behind his head. “Sleep well?” “What the hell are you doing in my bed ?! Get out !” “You were drooling in your sleep. Were you dreaming about me ? That would explain the drool.” said Kai grinning , reaching to touch her face. For a moment Bonnie didn’t pull away , then she grabbed his wrist squeezing tight making Kai flinch in pain before pushing him off the bed and onto the floor. Kai got up , a slight smirk on his face as he got onto her bed again. “You like me.” Bonnie sighed in frustration , rolling her eyes.Heart skipped a beat at his words but she quickly shoved all the feelings away. “No , I don’t. What do you even hear when I speak to you ? I DON’T LIKE YOU.” “But you were dreaming about me. I know you were. You said my name in your sleep.” Bonnie froze for a moment , clenching her jaw. She had been in fact dreaming about him. He had been lurking in her dreams a lot the past few days but she didnt plan on sharing that with him. “No , I haven’t. Why would I dream about you ? Find something else to obsess about.” she got up from the bed , briskly walking to the door. Kai got up after Bonnie quickly catching up with her , gripping her wrist making her turn around. He quickly backed her against the wall , his hands on either side of her boxing her in. He was breathing heavily , not because he had been running , but because he wanted to kiss her. “Kai …” Bonnie’s heart racing , her eyes trying to avoid his. He was standing too close to her , so close she could feel his breath on her face. He was leaning in and a part of her (she was no longer sure how dominant that part had gotten) wanted him to. “Give me a chance Bon Bon.” he whispered slowly backing away from her. “It is all I ask. We can be friends , I know we can.” It took her more than few seconds to recover , for her breathing to stop being shallow and for the sound of her heart pounding to disappear. “If I do , will you stop following me everywhere ?” she said crossing her hands on her chest. All she wanted was to get him to stop with all the sneaking behind her back and if she had to pretend , she would. Though she wondered if thats what she’d actually be doing. A moment ago she had nearly thrown herself at him. Kai put his hands in his pockets and winked at her. “It is possible , yes.” “Okay then.” she said heading downstairs towards the kitchen. “What are you making me for breakfast ?”

MASTERLIST March / April 2017 MASTERLIST MAY 2017

[waywardfinchbrigade]

Albedo of Sounds Chapter One

           The ride had been a particularly long one. The day was spent staring out the window of the train, intertwining images of an unpleasantly gray, rainy sky and wet, dark green fields littered with trees and the occasional farm. Terry'd complain about the headache he was feeling from the grueling journey from his hometown to this place but right now he couldn't really muster up feeling angry about it. Or anything, really. He was just too tired for that.

             The morning had started out with the promise of a decent day. He'd wake up his younger brother so he'd get to eat one last breakfast with him before heading out for university. Dad wasn't home and at first he had the hope that he'd make it home before he'd have to take the train so he could say goodbye and what not, like normal families do. As it was, Terry was the last person to board his train because he waited even at the station for his dad to show up.

             Of course he didn't. Just like he missed out graduation, just like he missed out on Billy's birthday. And just like he missed out on mom getting fed up with him and everything. It was always work this, work that. And Terry was just tired. So, so tired of all of this.

             He left Billy with the neighbours in case his dad didn't get home at all till tonight. He kinda does that whole thing with forgetting there was more to life than work. And when he'd come home he'd usually grunt something about dinner and then that'd be the majority of their interractions. At this point Terry has given up on trying to make his dad pay attention to him. Right now the battle was to keep Billy happy, because Billy was still a small child and he still didn't understand that mom wasn't going to come back and that she wasn't on vacation with some friends.

             Mom was gone. She simply left them. And it was all dad's fault. And it wasn't like dad was cheating on her. He was just too overworked and there was nothing else but the deadline for him and it's been almost a year since then and...

             And everything was just fucked up, okay?

             Okay.

             When mom left Terry had to take care of everything because dad kinda forgot that someone had to take care of the house, help Billy with homework, set up dinner then clean up the dishes. There were so many things to do that Terry had felt overwhelmed at the beginning. But Billy was a good kid. He made a game out of helping out his big brother and somehow that made things easier.

             Terry was still wondering if he had made the right choice by leaving for university. Billy'd be alone now and the last time he tried talking to his dad about it they had gotten into this huge argument and...and they haven't really talked since. It's been a month of avoiding everything and it was one more thing to set aside because he just couldn't handle it with everything else on top. He worried about his little brother. Maybe he could take him with him here? No, it wasn't a good idea. His dad would yell at him again and accuse him of stuff that had nothing to do with the situation and he'd just make Billy cry and ... and everything has gone to shit and Terry had no idea how to deal with it.

             His advanced classes didn't teach him how to deal with parenthood that was supposed to be his own parents' responsibility. It was like they simply assumed because he was generally quiet, unassuming and smart he can take care of himself. And William, his sweet little Billy – he was a shy with strangers and had trouble communicating with children his age, but his face always lit up like the sun whenever mom, dad or himself paid attention to him. He was a sweet kid. They were both good kids. Terry wasn't a kid anymore. He was going to university now. But still. Having good, responsible children did not excuse the parents. Mom was gone to who knows where and dad was only paying the bills and that's it. Just because they were nice, just because they were good was not a reason to call the job well done when it was half-done. Idly Terry wondered if this was what being an adult was like. Doing the best of everything despite everything else. He had no idea. He was confused. Maybe he should've stayed at home to take care of Billy? That seemed like the most sensible course of action. Sure, his dad would yell he was a lazy, useless, free-boarding lout again, but at least Billy'd have a chance to grow up a happy kid.

             But!

             But then what of his own life? What would happen to him once Billy was out of school as well? He simply had to persevere. He'd be home every weekend, the distance wasn't that big and dad probably wouldn't even notice him. He'd help Billy with his lessons in advance so he'd be prepared for school for the weekdays and...

             Just listen to him – already making plans for when Billy starts school. Which would be as soon as he started university, really. And he had to be there for Billy. Dad wouldn't be, but that didn't mean he had to feel bad like Terry himself about it. At least Billy would miss out on their parents arguing. If mom wasn't there to yell at dad and if all dad ever did was to crash on the couch and grunt for food, then at least things would resemble the normalness Terry craved for so much.

             Even here at this strange new train station in another city that was just as strange and new to him, Terry felt ill at ease and extremely out of place. He saw other soon to be university students like himself, young men and women straight out of school with their happy, teary moms and dads saying their tearful goodbyes and giving promises to visit each other soon, to behave and to make sure they study and...

             All Terry could feel was shame, bitterness and envy that he had to be all on his own with his big awkward luggage that he had to haul all by his lanky, tall self to the nearest cab (he hoped it wasn't one of those fake cabs that would scam him for loads of money) and he read the address to the cabby. And what the hell was a Brodi Street? Who named their streets Brodi of all things? Was this Brodi guy (or girl, he had no idea really) some local hero or something? Never you mind that, he was here now. Brody Street Number 23. It was a quiet neighbourhood with four and five story multi-apartment complexes crammed up all together, but well kept and of neat red brick work, that Terry kinda liked, he guessed.

             Terry paid the cabby and he got his smartphone out and dialed the number of the person who was, hopefully, going to be his landlady for the forseeable future. A Miss Deborah Wayne.

             "Miss Deborah Wayne? Yes, hello. I am here, in front of the apartment complex now, ma'am. Hello?"

             She had closed the call and Terry stared at his smartphone in confusion. Why'd she close the call?

             "Hey you!"

             Terry looked up and saw a woman, middle aged, with mouse brown hair and big hazel eyes stare down at him from a balcony on the third floor.

             "I'll open the door and you can get your things up here. We've got an elevator so at least you won't snap your back on the stairs. Come on."

             Terry didn't say anything (he had no idea what to say even) as he quietly got to picking up his luggage and went inside the building. The corridor with the stairs was a bit narrow but well lit and cozy looking. Well kept just like the outside. There was a rectangular pot with some kind of shrubbery in it. It looked nice, healthy and watered too even if he had no idea what kind of plant it was. In front of him, on the ground floor, to the right there was a door that lead to the basement. Next to it, on the wall, were the post boxes. One two or three had absolutely nothing in them and Terry guessed either they had their mail already picked up or those were the post boxes for the apartments that were still free.

             Straight in front of him, left of the door leading to the basement were a small set of stairs that lead to the apartments on the floor. They were a total of five and Terry did the math. Four floors, not counting the attic floor and the roof top, five apartments on each floor. A total of twenty. The ad said they were small, cozy, for one or two people. Pets were allowed, the agent had said, but only if you cleaned up after them and made sure things stayed clean. Honestly, the last thing on Terry's mind was getting a pet. He already had his hands full taking care of Billy and-

             Well. Not the case anymore, right? He could get a pet now, he guessed. Not a dog though. He doubted he'd have the time to take it out on regular basis. Maybe a cat. Not right now. Eventually. When he felt properly settled into this new environments and maybe perhaps after he got over the guilt that he left Billy to literally fend for himself to pursue his own life. ( Oh God, what was he thinking!?)

             "Hey, new kid. Thought I'd check on you and see if that luggage of yours hasn't killed you yet. On the first set of what? Three steps of stairs? I imagined you with a bit more meat on you. You're kinda thin and pale. You aren't one of those computer nerd types, are you? Not that I'd have a problem with that but you do look kind of pale. You sure you are alright kid? The train trip wasn't too bad was it? I myself get motion sick, so I know what's it like. Come on, let's get you settled. It's kinda obvious you need rest."

             Terry merely shrugged, not feeling up to the task of talking right now. He followed the land lady into the elevator and on their way to the third floor.

             "You're gonna love the apartment. We had the whole building renovated last year. I think you can still smell how new everything is. Even the elevator is brand new. I own the entire building, you know. It was the least I could do for the few old fellows that still lived in here. That's Old Millie from apartment 2A. You'll see her soon enough. She's the local gossip. But don't listen to anything she says. It's like she forgets half the stuff she's heard and she makes it up or says it wrong or whatever when trying to relate said gossip. Then there's Mr. Barnaby who is here on the third floor with you. Apartment 3E. If anything gets broken poke him. He likes to feel useful and that guy knows his way around electronics. He's the, ah, young one of the old bunch. There's also Mr. Schulz in apartment 3C, who is also on your floor but I doubt you'll be seeing much of him. He hasn't got much time left in this world, I guess. One of his grandchildren now lives here, taking care of him. You'll be meeting her sooner or later, I guess. Oh, also try to avoid Mrs. Bane on the fourth floor. Not that you'd have anything to do with her, hopefully. She complains about everyone and everything. And probably hates everyone and everything to boot. Her puppy is a sweetheart though. Aaaand we are here!”

             The huge key ring that she had on her middle finger on one hand was taken out and she searched through all the keys until she found the one that was to his apartment door. It was on the third floor, as mentioned by Miss Wayne. Apartment 3A, which also had a balcony looking out the front of the building. The same one Miss Wayne had poked her head through to welcome him (more like yell) to the neighborhood. Miss Wayne seemed like one of those people who didn't want to grow up or just didn't let life crush them yet. She was a good looking woman, not quite perfectly slim, but with a curvy figure and a huge smile on her face. She seemed to be perpetually in motion, always shifting from one heeled foot to the other. It was strange how her behavior had nothing to do with the way she dressed – mouse brown hair pulled in a low bun with a few bangs of hair framing her face, white button up shirt with soft, faded light blue vertical stripes and a classic knee length dark black-blue straight skit, which was also vertically striped. She had the look about her of a businesswoman, wearing things like that, with perfect light make up, well done French nails, short-trimmed and classic black high-heels. Normally Terry did not take such things as female fashion and clothes into account but the way she dressed reminded him of mom. A mom, who, just like that, dealt with a business until she had gotten pregnant with Billy and then one of them had to call it quits because at the time Terry himself had been too small to be entrusted with Billy's care. Billy, who at the time was a newborn.

             If Terry had to place a point in time which he could blame as the beginning of the end... Well, that would be it. Billy's birth. And it wasn't so much Billy's birth  (he had been completely unplanned, as far as Terry had understood) as it was the fact that mom had to quit work. She and dad had been too alike in that respect. They were both workaholics and they had had a plan, you see. A plan the makings of which had been all the way back when mom and dad first clicked together and became a couple. But, apparently, as history has proven many times over, plans never last when they make contact with the enemy. Or something like that. So Terry had learned early on after the divorce that he shouldn't make plans. Instead, Terry made contingencies.

             “This is the living room. The couch can unfold to a double bed in case you've got guests. The bathroom is over there, the toilet is separate. You've got your own boiler as well, so, I don't know where you came from, but always be mindful of how much hot water you use unless you want to get an icy surprise. The kitchen is small but cozy. Has everything you need. If you don't know how to handle the gas stove, just tell me so I can explain the safety stuff and everything, like I told you over the phone.”

             “I know how to cook on a gas stove. We've got one at home.” Terry finally said, feeling the need to reassure the landlady.”

             “Really? With you that thin I seriously can't picture you doing the bacon and eggs staple.”

             Terry sighed at the way too perky landlady's constant chatter. It wasn't her place to know that he cooked breakfast and dinner for himself and his little brother, and also his dad on occasion. At least he wasn't going to live with her. She didn't even live in this apartment complex. And he can't help his metabolism. Eighteen or not, he'd be growing up until twenty-five years of age. He just hoped his biology will take the hint and don't go over the six feet height he was sporting right now

             “Well, anyways. This is the study. It's small but it's comfy and perfect for quiet, focused sessions of power studying. The window's got a great view of the park and I put a comforter and a few pillows on the window sill if you're into that kind of thing. The couch is comfy as well. And this will be your bedroom. It's a double bed as you can see. Kept the space a bit spartan I think, since this is supposed to be the most personal room and you can have the freedom to make it look, you know, more you. You can put up posters if you want. It's small and cozy but perfect for two people, as you can see. Well, that's the tour of the place. He are your keys. Try not to lose 'em. If there is anything you have my number. Internet and cable are your own responsibility, like the agent should've told you. Pay the rent and your bills on time and we will be topsy-turvy, boyo!”

             With that, the landlady rustled Terry's hair and before he had a chance to react, he was all alone in his newly rented apartment, still hauling his luggage around.

             “Well,” Terry said to no one in particular.”That was a thing.”

             He sighed again and looked around himself. It was all new, just like the landlady had said. Everything still smelled new too and he noted that, aside from the curtains, the comforter and the bed covers, there were barely any cloths around the house. It was something he found amiss, since he had been so used to having nearly every surface covered in something back home. His mom had been the one that obsessed over intricately made tablecloths. They still had them around even after she left. It was just part of the status quo of the house and the less he disturbed what he perceived as normal, the better.

             Terry set his luggage on the lacquered, hardwood floor and sat down on the bed. His hands felt for the material of the cloth beneath him and finally he settled them in his lap. He didn't know what to do with himself. He still didn't feel right about the whole university thing, moving away and leaving Billy to dad's perpetually grumpy mood and disinterest in his own children. Everything still felt so weird. He had signed up late, true, but at least it was still before the start of the first semester. And that conversation with his mom had been so awkward. He hadn't heard from her since she just up and left that one day. She still makes sure to phone Billy, which made him cut her some slack for that at least. But still. He needed money for rent and after the argument he had with his dad about this whole university thing, he couldn't just go to his old man and tell him that there were no more free rooms at the campus itself. He'd just be yelled at again for being lazy, indecisive and incompetent. And he wasn't! Terry was just tired of all of this! So, despite hearing his mom's voice felt like he was cutting deep to the bone, he still called her and she was even reasonable about his request. She even thought dad set him up for this, since he had always been such an obedient child and all. Except that when she left he had to take care of Billy, since dad forgot that a household needs more than just money to take care of itself. And for Terry, Billy had been the number one concern up until some of that crushed pride reared its ugly head and now...

             Now he had a chance to make something of himself so he could... not end up like mom and dad.

             He hated them sometimes.

             But mostly he hated himself for not being able to do anything about any of this.

             He missed Billy.

             Coming here was a mistake.

[insidethecrack]

To be or not to be is not the right question

I’m a ghost in the mist My life slips away I wander unseen I don’t make any sound I’m lost in the mist No one showed me the way Locked in by my fears With my knees on the ground

Lacuna Coil - Ghost in the mist

[TW : graphic mentions of self-harming]

Once again, let’s fuck up some schizophrenia cliches.

You might not know it, but schizophrenia can be composed of several types of symptoms : the positive symptoms and the negative symptoms. Psychiatry world is a weird world were “positive” doesn’t mean “good things” and “negative” bad things. 

A positive symptom is something that is added to the “normal” state. Most of the time, it’s what you call “hallucination”. I guess it’s not normal that eyes are following me, that I can feel the words getting stuck in my mouth and cutting my tongue, or that there are monsters under the bed. The positive symptoms are easy to understand for neurotypical people, or at least the principle of positive symptoms is easy. Because if you paid attention, you saw that I put some “” around hallucination. I stoped talking of them as hallucinations for a few years now. Years ago, when Madness ruled my world and the shrinks only thought about feeding me with drugs, I refused to say I was “sick”, that I had a “disease”. Because a disease is something you can cure, or at least understand. But in their mouth, this disese, schizophrenia, it sounded like a death sentence. And I wouldn’t let some guys decide of my death date just because they wear white an have degrees hanged on the wall (stop doing that, we get it, you’re intelligent. Now stop being a dickhead and listen when we talk to you because that’s what you were supposed to learn to get that degree you’re so proud of. You’re ridiculous). Years later, I also stoped calling them hallucinations. They wouldn’t stop. 

Being schizophrenic mean being stuck between reality and not-reality, and most important, being unable to tell which one is which. So great, here I was, with stuff that don’t exist and wouldn’t go and I would never be able to tell if they did exist. Except that I can. In fact, the solution was fucking easy. When I was stuck in Madness, NOTHING excisted, me included, it was a fucking nightmare made of endless pain and suffering. I was stuck between my body feeding my brain with informations that wasn’t truthful (the positive symptoms we’re talking about) while my reason and the world outside were telling this couldn’t be, this wasn’t. I was stuck between these two positions, literraly teared apart like a child between his divorced parents and being forced to chose. What would you chose between your body and you reason ? I bet you can’t answer. This was my personnal hell, this is still, so often my personnal hell. And no one can take me out of it. 

So a few years ago, I made a choice : the choice not to chose. I changed the paradigm. I decided it ALL existed. Everything was real. The world as everyone expercience it, but also MY voices, MY monsters. And yes, I started calling them MINE. Because they are... voices, monsters, they are all broken pieces of my soul and this reality couldn’t work without accepting this... even the monsters. It might sound scary to accept monsters as a part of reality. But you know, real monsters are way easier to defeat than unreal monsters. It’s not easy, it doesn’t solve all the problem with a magic wand, but things got managable, which was a fucking improvement. Sure, every once in a while, a monster get totally out of control and shit gets really hard and scary, but at least now I have a chance : to talk with them BEFORE, or to defeat them, or to heal myself if I lost the battle (which what is happening right now... but you can’t always win I guess...).

And that was the easy part. Because yes, dear neurotypical readers, positive symptoms are the easy part (a lot of worlds have a different meanings when youre schizophrenic, I guess “easy” is one of them). And now, we’re going to talk about the rotten cherry on the poisonned cake : the negative symptoms. If positive symptoms adds things to reality, you would have guessed that negative symptoms takes away things from your reality. It’s often called “dissociation”, and that shit is one hellish dragon... When I’m really tired, I don’t feel the pain. I can hit a wall, burn my finger while cooking, twist my ankle or bite myself to blood while sleeping and don’t feel a thing. More precisely, I feel something. My brain will record a shock, a too hot feeling, a “this bone is not supposed to turn that way” feeling, but that’s it. I often find bruises or cut or burning marks on my skin and my face will just be “but... why ?”. And yes, this can be dangerous. Sometimes I should go to the doctor and I don’t because I don’t have the pain information so I don’t know how seriously my body can be injured. Or I understimate how tired or ill I am. And it’s just the beginning. Because, then, I don’t feel the cold, so if I don’t tell myself “ow, it’s fucking January, put on a coat to go to the grocery store !” I can go there just wearing a tshirt. Clever me. And then the hunger feeling goes away. And I have to remember myself that human being have to eat three times a day. And then the tiredness feeling even goes away so why should I try to sleep when I can just keep on going with the insomnias why should I even bother to get some rest when I don’t feel tired and I can just make some more extra work ?

Maybe you’re starting to think there is not much more that can be taken way from a person... Sorry but not sorry, we’re still not done. The worst is still to come so bare with me a little (please) and let’s eat that fucking poisonned cake will we...

These things are hard to deal with, they ask for a lot of spoons. Because I have to THINK things that are natural to you (what time of the year is it ? so I can dress properly. Have I eaten today and what ? should I eat more ? how long since my last sleep ? Maybe I should put my hand under cold water, just in case because i just put it on the hot cooker. This strange feeling in my foot is not getting better for a few months, maybe we should call a doctor). I have to be hyper careful, I have to be, once again, in a state of hyper control. All. The. Fucking. Time. And remember ! we also have to deal with the positive symptoms which add monsters and alarms and all kind of things to my reality in the same fucking time. And alone. Remember this, always alone. 

But here comes a time, and believe me, it always comes, even in the good times (so magine during the bad periods...), when you just realise... I don’t feel pain when I get hurt... I’m not hungry when I don’t eat... I’m not tired when I don’t sleep... I’m not cold when I’m not properly dressed... I’m not.... I’m not... I’m not

I’m not.

Because YES, it also takes out vocabulary and grammar. But you don’t need much words to express this : you don’t even exist anymore. There is ALWAYS a moment where I end up feeling like I simply don’t exist. And this is scary. “Hallucinations” can be handable, but delusion is not. Delusion is a fucked up belief, a fucked up reality you can’t do otherwise but to follow because this is all you have. It’s different for every schizophrenic person, but my schizophrenia convinced me I don’t even exist. I’m like the smoke in winter, you know, when it’s fucking cold and you can see your breathe coming out of your mouth and they it just disappear in the air. This is what I am : I am a story people tell themselves and when they’re done they throw me away, I just disappear in the air and no one realises it because it’s not even important. It’s just smoke in the air. 

If there is no one to interract with me during this moment, I get so fucking scared because it really means I don’t exist. And this is where things get REALLY scary. Because I would do anything not to disappear. I won’t speak because if I let words out I will lose matter and I can’t afford it. If I get nauseus I’m afraid to throw up because once again I will lose matter. So I probably won’t eat because it’s easier. And I consider self-harming because if I can feel pain it means I exist. I’ve been so far into self-harming, because I couldn’t feel the pain, I would always do worse and more... 

It’s funny because sometimes people confused my self-destructive behaviours for suicidal behaviours. I’m not suicidal. Because, in order to die you must be alive first and to be alive  you must exist. Since I don’t exist I can’t die.

It’s just basic mathematics. I’m not suicidal, I’m desperately looking for ways to prove I exist. I don’t ask you to understand, because I guess it’s very hard if you don’t experience it. You can’t end something that has no beginning, something that has no borders. You just can’t. Since knowing I have a beginning doens’t kill the delusion, I have to be sure of the borders of my body and mind... and it’s so hard... 

Because, once again, it can get worse (I’m telling you, this shit has no fucking end). Do you know what my “crisis” (or “psychotic episodes” as they like to call it, doesn’t it sound like a nice scary serie on Netflix ?) look like ? If I don’t find a way out of this, the positive symptoms take more and more space, the monsters totally get out of control and once the monsters are freed, they won’t leave before they had the blood they were promised. And since they don’t exist in your reality, but only in mine, I’ll be the one they’ll eat. And here comes the pain. The real one, the terrifying one. Because it’s not your classic pain when you know what hurt you and where it hurts. Hell no... it’s the essence of pain, the pure pain. It’s like when you “I’m cold”, but instead it’s “I hurt”. It’s like all your bones break and rip your veins and every breathe rip your lungs and mouth and every heart bit feels your blood with frozen stones that will rips them even more and you can’t move and you don’t know where you body stops so you’re watching your blood dropping from the ceilling and your head spinning in the kitchen while your fingers are scratching this wall or this one or maybe it’s your belly you don’t even know anymore because the only real thing is pain. In fact, it’s so much the only thing left that you don’t feel the pain, you are the pain. And you would sell your soul so this pain can end, but don’t you rmember ? you don’t exit ! therefore you don’t have a soul. And even though, you are the pain, so what do you think will happen to you if the pain stops ?

Yes. That’s right. You will be like a breathe, out of a mouth in winter when it’s fucking cold. You’ll disappear in the air. And no one will notice.  Ever.  Because who counts their breathe ? Who really takes the time to enjoy them ? And why this one breathe more than another ?

And this is how I disappear. I don’t fear death, I fear disappearing. 

This is how schizophrenia works : it adds crappy stuffs to your reality, and takes away others, and this collection of symptoms create delusions that are as strong as gravity in our mind. 

Once again, this was a very long and confused article. Thank you for reading, don’t hesitate to ask if something is not clear. Also the blog now has a FB page if it’s easier for you to follow.