#because who would be crazy enough to have over 3000 drafts??

[scarcelyodd]

Well, tumblr, you've made progress: I can now post incredibly-old drafts from my phone app, but I can't tag them with anything and have it save properly. #sigh

[prorevenge]

Refuse to be a decent human? Lose your house.

Warning: Very long story.

It's 2011, my boyfriend and I decided to rent a house with our best friends - an engaged couple with two kids. I'm changing names here: I'm Kylie, my boyfriend is Jim, and our couple friends are Brad and Angelina. Jim, Brad, and myself are active duty military.

After over a month of searching we found a really cute house- 1850 sqft, nice yard, great neighbors, only $1350/m, hardwood except for 1 room, 7 minutes from our base. The landlord is in a different state but tells us she pays one of the neighbors to manage the keys for her. It's a military town and that's not uncommon. We all met up with him, toured the house, decided to sign the lease.

We moved in sometime in August. We liked the house, but there were crickets coming into one of the bedrooms through a crack in the window sill. The landlord didn't want to fix it and said to caulk it. It worked, no problem.

We noticed the carpet in the living room was a little dingy and asked her if she would mind paying someone to clean it since we moved in that way. We even made a note of it and took pictures when we moved in. She said no. I bought my own cleaner and the carpet lightened a few shades.

In October, we went to cut the heat on and it didn't work. So we realized the oil tank was empty. Part of the lease states when we move out we needed to leave a full tank of oil, which isn't really a problem as long as we start with a full tank and use all the oil in it. Call the landlord and ask her to have the oil company come fill the tank - which it's 2011 so it's going to cost $1200 to do. She says no. We told her fine, we wouldn't be leaving a full tank when the lease was over though. She got mad and said we had to because it was a clause in our lease. We had the oil company provide statements to say the last time it was filled was that prior January and it was empty when they came to fill our tank that month. We filled the tank, but the heat still didn't work. It's been 2 weeks and it's really getting cold, we asked the LL to get a repairman out to the house. Brad and Angelina have two small kids that need to stay warm. My landlord took another week to fix the heat, and the people that did it were... questionable. It worked for a month, but then quit. We called in our own repairmen to come handle it since the last ones creeped me out, and he noticed some major issues with the chimney that needed attention right away. Like it was unsafe to run the heat at all, the damned thing was about to collapse. We let her know, emailed scans of the paperwork from our nice Honeywell tech and two quotes from contractors to get the work done. (it's going to be $3000-3500ish) It's an emergency repair, at the point it's December and we are really cold. We were using space heaters. The kids have chest colds and Angelina is ready to fly into our landlord's state to handle her physically. I mailed all of that information to her (Angelina's bodily threats omitted) with a signature confirmation and a letter stating the issue.

A few days pass and nothing from our bitch LL. I got onto Google and read the landlord tenant act and local landlord court cases just to see if I had a leg to stand on. I also spoke to my JAG, who's brother happened to be a real estate lawyer, who was also friends with my next door neighbor (the keyholder dude, who surprise, never got paid to watch the house) and decided to come over for dinner with all of us at their place. He gave me some really good info. The next morning, I called our landlord and told her, "look, you get this repair done or I will condemn the house and not pay a dime of rent until it's done". She says she doesn't believe me. I overnighted a certified letter to her explaining the issue and requesting the repair be started within 5 business days since it was an emergency and I had already reported it a week prior. 5 days go by, nothing. At this point I'm ready to walk out on the lease but don't have quite enough legal issues to back that up so- Jim and I requested 20 days of vacation from the military. I drafted a letter to LL telling her she had 10 days to get the repair done or we would terminate the lease, and we would not be paying rent while the heat was in disrepair. I cited the previous letter and included her signature confirmation for it also. 4 days before we go on vacation, I overnighted and signature confirmationed the letter. Two days before we are set to go on vacation I called a city building inspector, set an appointment, he came and condemned the house - it took him less than 15 minutes to decide. Brad and Angelina took off to Angelina's mom's house and Jim and I headed out to spend a few weeks in WARM, SUNNY Florida with his Cuban family. (mmmm, the food). We prorated rent for every day the house was condemned. I called the building inspector every few days to see if the work was done. He also demanded that my landlord do a few minor electrical repairs. Several days have gone by... I spent half that month's rent on good food, liquor, and Disney world tickets. On the 6th day in Florida, the landlord calls me threatening eviction. I told her to please take me to court because I was ready to embarrass her. I cited the landlord tenant act, told her I was going to sue for travel costs to FL, hotel costs, and at that point she was already looking at $850 and it was just going to get more costly. (Longshot, but, I was mad). I also said we were prepared to just walk out if it wasn't done by the time the certified letter stated it should be, again, I wasn't kidding. I had already reserved a uhaul. Oh, and she would be reimbursing me for that $1100 in oil I hadn't been able to burn. She said fine and finally replaced the chimney two weeks after the place was condemned. My neighbor told me she had to borrow money from her family to get it done. Not my problem. She also told me I was a horrible person who was torturing her and her 5 year old who were victims of domestic violence. She also told me we were only slightly better than the last tenants, who she "thought were black by how terrible the house looked when they left". Okay, wow, a slum lord and a racist - I should play the lottery. I'm sorry for your situation but your husband has been a shit to you since you got together. How do I know? Turns out, one of my supervisors is friends with her old supervisor and he and other members of her chain of command had responsed to fights where her and her husband hit each other. Apparently the husband is a drunk too. They tried to get her to leave him but she is just as bad, she busted out his windshield one time and burned all his stuff another. Turns out she got a general administration discharge. She seemed so nice and sweet when we were getting ready to sign that lease. I still can't believe what a bucket of kuku for coco puffs she turned out to be.

Whatever, we came home to a house with functioning heat. Brad and Angelina decided not to move back in but that was all cool with Jim and me. We notarized an agreement between us and told them we totally understood and would take over the rent. Missed them after they left, though.

Later on, in March, a realtor knocked on my door and said he wanted to show the house to a couple. I said, you have the wrong place buddy, I'm renting this right now. He's like no, the owner wants a short sale hopefully by July. I explained I had no notice and was a little confused but it was okay. He was very uncomfortable and unhappy to have walked into a situation where a tenant didn't even know he was coming. I told him it was totally fine, and went on to divulge some details about his new client. He was pretty appalled. He leveled with me- its a cute house but really only worth $90k due to the market crash. It had last sold for $124k, according to zuilla. She's asking for 120k and on the verge of foreclosure. Seriously? I let the couple and realtor in the next day. Didn't worry about it after that. He came to take detailed pictures so he wouldn't have to bother me with flaky potential buyers. He was so nice, I let him help me find a new house to rent when my lease was up. We are still friends on Facebook.

Then, in July the realtor called me and asked if he could show the house to a client. Absolutely. I cleaned and made sure I looked nice for her visit....and when they got to my house I noticed the lady was black. And she wanted to rent. I said, ma'am, call me later today and don't tell anyone. She did! I told her what my LL said about how she couldn't believe her past tenants were white because they left the house trashed when they left. I said, "I don't think this is a good house for you, I know a great guy who is renting out his beach side condo for the next year while he goes out to Africa, why don't you call him?" I text his listing to her, she calls him, ends up renting his house.

None of that is really revenge. Before we moved out, Jim and I cleaned the house. We left the carpets sparkling clean (had professionals come in and do it), payed a gardener to come in and make the yard spiffy, patched up some small nail holes and even painted some window trim that was chipped when we moved in. we basically left it better than we found it, we had already repainted 3 bedrooms in flattering colors when we first moved in (that was approved by the LL no problem of course). We took pictures before and after we moved in. A month goes by, we are all settled in our new condo, and she didn't give us a dime back in freaking deposit. $2400 down the damned drain, plus the cost of little repairs we made out of pocket so we couldn't have to deal with her crazy ass.

I was angry. I began organizing to go to court. Then suddenly Jim is told he's deploying soon. the fuck. A week goes by- Also, I'm pregnant. Which we were casually "not trying but trying" to do. We were happy about that part, but I was puking every day twice a day and emotional. Then Angelina calls me and guess who is on Craigslist slinging her shit hole slum? My LL. I lost it. I got on the same forum her ad was on and posted about the house, every single problem we had, every phone call, every snotty email, how many weeks we went without heat, the crickets, LL's messed up relationship with her off and on again husband, the oil tank, and the racist comments. I never said "don't rent or buy", just shared my experience as a tenant. I didn't name any names but I did link her ad. Received 7 emails thanking me stating LL seemed really nice on the phone but they would be dodging that bullet.

The house foreclosed a few months later.

(source) (story by slumriverofbliss)

[magic-and-moonlit-wings]

Chapter 14: Bittersweet Un-Birthday

Becoming The Mask

Well. Season 3 happened. Very little of this fic will be affected by that, since I already have an outline drafted, and none of this chapter was altered because I had it written already, but ... yeah. That happened.

Content warning for this chapter: a very distressing prank goes awry and creates a real risk of death instead of an illusory one, although no one actually dies.

Seriously, the prank where AAARRRGGHH 'attacked' Jim was stressful enough for the Jim in the show, but for a Jim who's actually had to fight people he's cared about to the death before (in the Darklands) and knows way more about AAARRRGGHH's history than they know he knows? I couldn't see this going well.

On a less distressing note, a quick reminder that Jim still thinks of 'Not Enrique' as 'Enrique', and the name 'Not Enrique' has not been introduced to the story yet even though the character has.

"Wake up, wake up," Barbara crooned. "Don't want to sleep through your big day! And your big day begins with – Mom's Special Birthday Pancakes!"

The pancake stack had a screaming syrup face. "He looks excited," said Jim, blowing out the burning candle nose.

"I know you're not crazy about your birthday," said Barbara. "But sixteen is a big one. We should do something tonight."

"Mom." Jim put the breakfast tray on his desk and hugged her. "We don't have to –"

"Non-negotiable." Barbara kissed the top of his head. "You eat. Once you've had your fill, there's another surprise waiting for you downstairs."

Barbara had over-mixed the pancake batter, which was easy to do, since perfectly-mixed batter for light and fluffy pancakes was supposed to still be lumpy, therefore looked under-mixed. The result was a rubbery texture that deeply appealed to her Changeling son.

She also seemed to have heated the skillet too high, searing the outsides of the pancakes before the insides were fully cooked. There were slash lines where she must have cut them open with the spatula to see how the insides were doing. Each pancake was thoroughly cooked this year, at the cost of a few burnt spots.

Jim usually favoured human food over troll food, but Barbara's cooking really felt like the best of both worlds. He loved Mom's Special Birthday Pancakes, even if he didn't love the occasion.

For the first five years of his human cover, this particular date had meant nothing to him.

It wasn't his birthday. Or, maybe it was; it wasn't like he knew.

It wasn't the anniversary of the day he'd been swapped for Jay-Jay, either; that was in three months – and, based on the human reproductive cycle, was probably also the approximate anniversary of when Jay-Jay had been conceived, which was … awkward to think about.

This was the anniversary of the day James Lake Senior had abandoned Barbara and young Jim, leaving Barbara without her husband or her biological son, alone with a Changeling she felt obligated to comfort, to make this day special for so that her ex-husband would not permanently taint all association with it …

Jim shook his head to dislodge the bitter thoughts and took another bite of the bitter pancakes. Mom had used baking soda instead of baking powder again, and possibly mixed up the tablespoon and teaspoon.

If Draal was going to be their housemate, Jim should sneak some of Barbara's cooking down to the basement for Draal to try.

It was later than usual when Jim went to brush his teeth. When he spat on the mirror, Jay-Jay was getting cuddle time. A goblin had crawled into the crib and partially unswaddled the baby, to hold him close and protect the tiny human from suffering skin hunger. Jim cooed. He didn't usually see this part of the daily routine.

"Happy birthday, Jay-Jay."

He spat on the mirror a few more times to enjoy the cuteness. He wished idly – should've tried that on the birthday candle – he could check on other Familiars, too. Enrique had been partially his idea, so he felt partially responsible for the kid's wellbeing, and it would be nice to confirm he was settling in okay. Jim supposed he could ask Enrique at some point to show him the other Enrique, but that was kind of a weird and personal request.

He neatened his hair and took his tray downstairs. Barbara sprang up from the table.

"Wait! Wait right there! Let me get your present ready in the garage."

"The garage?"

There was absolutely no chance at all that she'd bought him a car, but Jim had expressed interest in Vespa scooters. She'd said 'no' at the time, but if she'd planned it as a surprise …

"I know you've wanted one of these for a while, and now that you're the big one-six, maybe it's time. I think you'll get a lot of mileage out of it."

He heard a motor. Jim ran into the garage.

"Did you seriously get me a –?"

"A Food Magic 3000! From those cooking shows you like." Barbara beamed. "It slices – it dices –"

"It's perfect." Jim half-hugged the food processor and put it on a shelf to hug his mother. "I knew you'd remember. I …" He picked up the Food Magic again. "I can't wait to cook you something with this. I've got to get this to the kitchen."

He couldn't find an unoccupied nook in the kitchen for future storage, so for the moment he left it sitting proudly on the counter and grabbed a dishcloth to make sure it wasn't dusty from the garage.

This present really was much more in character of his mom. You could hurt yourself with one, usually by dropping it on your foot, but every day Dr Lake saw multiple people at the hospital who'd been injured riding non-enclosed vehicles.

"JIM!" Toby let himself in and didn't bother shutting the door behind him. "Jim, you've gotta come quick, there's an emergency at –" He froze, realizing Barbara was there too. "At, the place. With the thing." Toby's eyes darted around as he backtracked. "Not even an emergency, actually – hey, is that a Food Magic?"

"3000," said Barbara. "I'll leave you boys to it. But Jim? Tonight? Celebration."

She went upstairs. Toby went on edge again.

"Seriously, we've got a DEFCON 1 situation in Trollmarket."

"What? How do you know?" Was this really Toby, or Otto trying to trick Jim into bringing him to Trollmarket? He could've just ordered Jim to bring him there and not risked potential witnesses of two Tobys.

"I – I just do! Come on!" He tried to physically pull Jim to the door. Jim went with him.

The Changeling was ninety-five-percent certain he was being led into some kind of trap, but if there really was an emergency, the Trollhunter couldn't just ignore it.

No, please, by Fair Morgana, no.

It was one of Jim's worst nightmares come to life – General AAARRRGGHH on a rampage. His eyes hadn't changed colour and his carvings weren't glowing, like in the stories, but his roars were powerful enough to shake the cavern. The only good surprise was that no one seemed to have been killed yet.

"It's too late, Master Jim! AAARRRGGHH has lost his mind! Save yourself!"

AAARRRGGHH almost grabbed him. If it had been a few weeks ago, Jim would not have dodged in time. His new training regimen was really paying off.

"Toby, run. Get to the surface and stay in the sunlight!"

I did not risk Bular's temper just to see you eaten by AAARRRGGHH instead.

Jim ran around the attacking troll and jumped onto his back.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

AAARRRGGHH twisted and reached. Fingers bigger around than Jim's legs barely missed him.

Please don't do that tuck-and-roll thing Draal can do.

Jim climbed AAARRRGGHH's fur and – please let this work, I don't wanna die – caught his scruff, and grabbed, and pulled.

Like cats, trolls had loose skin behind their necks and between their shoulder blades. Jim had seen adults around Trollmarket scruffing their whelps and depositing them on their parents' shoulders. He suspected the whelps held onto their parents' scruffs while being carried about.

His own experience with scruffing was as a dirty fighting trick, since the troll scruffed instinctively relaxed – if only for a second before trying to tear their opponent's hand off. He had no idea if it would work the same on AAARRRGGHH as it did on Changelings, but if Jim could snap AAARRRGGHH out of this without anyone actually dying –

AAARRRGGHH collapsed.

"Wha-what?" Tobias, who had not run, gasped. "What did you do to him? Was that a pressure point thing?"

"AAARRRGGHH!" Blinky recklessly ran up to him and gently patted his massive grey face. "AAARRRGGHH, are you alright?"

"Didn't expect that," AAARRRGGHH rumbled. Jim's relief – AAARRRGGHH was coherent, at least aware enough to speak again – was almost enough to deactivate his armour, before he felt it start to fade away and his burst of panic at being unarmoured in Trollmarket forced it to solidify.

Jim moved to a spot on AAARRRGGHH's shoulder where he could see Blinky more easily, but still quickly scruff AAARRRGGHH again if he had to. Blinky was on his knees, all four hands in the green ruff that framed AAARRRGGHH's face. Their noses were pressed together. They were murmuring back and forth in trollish. AAARRRGGHH bent his head further forward. Blinky matched the gesture. They gently knocked horns.

The contrast in AAARRRGGHH's body language now compared to the attack earlier was so extreme as to be surreal.

Jim finally noticed the crowd. They hadn't really registered in his mind earlier beyond 'screaming trolls', but this was an unusual number of them to see in the Forge. Probably. Jim wasn't usually in Trollmarket this time of day. Mary and Darci and Claire were there, too.

"Are we still throwing the party?" asked Bagdwella.

"… What party?"

"Ah." Blinky looked up at Jim. "Well – you see …"

Claire and Darci pulled ropes, unfurling a banner and unleashing a cloud of balloons and confetti.

"Tobias informed us of your human custom, the 'surprise birthing day party'. Are you not … surprised?"

"… That's … definitely … one word for it." Along with 'frightened', 'betrayed', and 'angry'. "You all … made me think … I might have to kill AAARRRGGHH … to stop him killing anyone else … possibly me … as a party prank? Yes. I am very. Surprised."

And now he was crying. Wonderful. It's a chemical release valve, let it out, if you're crying it's because you need to …

"Jim." Toby.

AAARRRGGHH got back to his feet and picked up Toby – the sight of the fleshbag being lifted towards the ex-Gumm-Gumm's mouth brought Daylight to Jim's hand before he could stop it – no, it's okay, don't stab AAARRRGGHH in the neck, DO NOT STAB AAARRRGGHH IN THE NECK – and put him on his shoulders beside Jim. Jim was still mad at Toby, but Toby was soft and warm and sympathetic and the best guy to cling to and cry on.

"I hate you so much right now," Jim snarled into Toby's shoulder.

"I – we – must apologize, Master Jim," said Blinky. "You have devoted much time and effort into learning troll customs and we thought you might appreciate a chance to indulge in a human one. It did not occur to any of us that we might cause you distress."

"You were awesome-sauce, though," said Toby, patting his back. "I had no idea you were that fast, and the way you jumped AAARRRGGHH like that – I mean, I'm sorry we scared you but I wish you could've seen it. You took the big guy down."

"I got it on camera," said Mary, waving her phone. "Don't worry, I stopped filming before the crying part."

The tears seemed to have stopped. Jim pulled his face off Toby's shirt and scrubbed his eyes. Claire stood on tiptoe to give him a tissue from her purse.

"What is the meaning of this?" Vendel bellowed. The elder entered the Hero's Forge and burst a balloon with the pointy head of his staff.

"Balloons … pop," observed AAARRRGGHH, taking one and biting it. It seemed to amuse him, because he took another and did the same thing.

"You will remove them post-haste. I don't want anything to interfere with the Trollhunter's training."

Blinky was once more impressed by the human Trollhunter's resilience. After the disastrous attempt at a surprise party left the boy clinging to his friend in tears, Blinky thought he might falter and stumble in his training, and would have let him skip it for that day if not for Vendel's orders. But perhaps the illusion of mortal terror spurred him on. Rule Number One, after all.

Master Jim was training alone in the Forge. Sparring sessions were on hold since Draal's departure from Trollmarket. Blinky could see the logic in setting up protections around the Trollhunter's home in Master Jim's absence, but it created some difficulty for the Trollhunter's trainer. They would need to determine a new sparring partner for Master Jim in the interim, and had not yet found one.

Blinky had been intending to ask AAARRRGGHH to consider the task. He'd fully expected the answer to be 'no', in accordance with AAARRRGGHH's longstanding oath of nonviolence, but Blinky had hoped that sparring matches could fall under the heading of 'not truly fighting', since neither truly intended the other harm.

But after what had transpired earlier, it would be cruel to make such a suggestion.

Blinky felt horrible for his part in frightening Master Jim so badly. He could only imagine how AAARRRGGHH felt about it.

On the other hand, there was some encouragement to be found in this mess. If swiftness, agility, and the first hint of ruthlessness were how Master Jim responded to imminent threats to life and limb, perhaps this meant the young Trollhunter actually stood a chance now of surviving his first encounter with Bular.

It was odd, Blinky reflected, that such an encounter had not yet occurred. Did the Son of Gunmar perhaps not know of the human who now wielded Daylight's mantle? Or … had Bular left Arcadia entirely after Kanjigar's death? There had been no sightings reported of late. Where was Bular, and what evil might he be plotting?

Master Jim lost his balance and fell from an elevating platform. He caught the edge and swung himself to land in a roll on the next level down – just in time for it to begin tilting, sending him scrambling for more stable ground.

"I messed up," said Toby softly. "I knew Jimbo hates his birthday. I really thought we could turn it around."

"Why would he hate his birthday?" Mary asked. "Getting overwhelmed by a party I could see, even without the scare, but hating his birthday?"

"Birthdays always remind him of the day his dad disappeared."

Disappeared? "Interesting," said Blinky. "I did not know that Jim's father was a magician."

"Not … 'magic' disappeared. More like, 'walked out because he's a deadbeat' disappeared." Blinky turned three eyes to focus properly on Tobias while still keeping three on the Trollhunter. "I had just moved into the house across the street, and Jim's dad got him this sweet bike kit for his fifth birthday, and then he just took off. Last I heard, he ran off with his girlfriend to become a ski bum in Vermont. Those bike pieces just sat there in the garage for months before Jim put them all in a wagon and carted them off somewhere. He never said where."

Blinky closed his lowest pair of eyes in solemnity and put a hand on young Tobias' shoulder. "What a horrible tragedy. Made even more horrible that I had no idea."

The rest of Jay-Jay's birthday was less perilous for Jim, or at least perilous in different ways. Once advanced training was over, Claire and Darci and Mary and Toby started their beginner training with weapons selected from the racks around the Forge. They'd brought bike helmets and shin and elbow pads, which weren't much protection but better than nothing, and definitely lighter and more flexible than Jim's armour.

Toby picked a hammer he could barely lift, let alone swing. Claire wanted to try all the varieties of spears. Darci went for a crossbow, which Jim encouraged – a ranged weapon meant the wielder was, ideally, far away from the actual danger. Mary picked a sword. Actually, to a troll it was a dagger, but for a human it was a sword.

Blinky corrected the humans' stances and grips, and then Darci started target practice while Toby tried to pick his Warhammer up. Mary and Claire had to leave – the school play had Saturday afternoon rehearsals.

"Hey," said Claire, "I'm sorry the party didn't work out. Happy birthday."

She kissed Jim on the cheek.

Jim stared awkwardly after her as she and Mary started to leave the Hero's Forge. He had to do something about this before it got out of hand.

"Claire, wait!" He ran after them. "Can I, uh, talk to you for a minute?"

She let him lead her to the side while Mary blatantly eavesdropped.

"Listen, um, I know it might not actually mean anything, but, you've kissed me twice now and it's kind of making me uncomfortable? Like, I don't know if you're actually flirting or not, and I get that you might not be," he added hastily, "but, I'm not interested in you, that way? So … little awkward."

Claire tensed, subtly, and blinked twice. "… Okay. I … won't kiss you again, then."

She and Mary left.

After about twenty minutes, Toby and Darci were ready to leave Trollmarket as well, and Toby dragged Jim over to the Vespa dealership. Jim finally got to test-drive one of the scooters … with the help of the testimonials Toby had been gathering about Jim's good character, and a bribe of six dollars cash in lieu of Barbara's parental signature.

"I brought cake!" Barbara sing-songed, closing the front door with her hip. She always bought one for Jim's birthday, rather than risk ruining the cake by making it herself or having Jim bake his own birthday cake. "The decorator said they'd draw a scooter on it, but the bakery was nearly closed when I got there to pick it up so I didn't have time to check."

Jim took the white cardboard box from her, set it on the table, opened it, and laughed.

It was a picture of a scooter, alright. A motorless, collapsible scooter, rather than a Vespa – a simple, nearly abstract arrangement of three lines and two circles.

"I guess this must have been easier to draw."

"Oh …" said Barbara. "Sorry, honey. I guess I should've been a lot more specific."

"It's fine, Mom. We've got a funny story now, right?" He got a knife and cut the small, round cake in half. "Which side do you want?"

"Jim!" she scolded teasingly. "At least let me put in a candle and sing first!"

There had been a candle on the pancakes, but Jim went along with the song-and-wish ritual. Then he cut one of the cake halves in half and served Barbara a quarter. They often ate dessert before dinner on birthdays, so Barbara had a chance at staying for cake before an emergency call could come in and she would have to leave again.

Previous Chapter (Toby, Darci, Mary and Claire explore Trollmarket, and Draal moves into Jim’s basement.)

Table of Contents 

Next Chapter (Jim sets up another “keep humans I like alive” plot.)

I have a lot to say so I’m dividing this into sections. These notes will NOT contain spoilers for Season 3 except for confirming one character’s existence/name.

Shout Out for help with the title: This chapter and the previous one were originally a single chapter, but as scenes expanded and more moments demanded to be written, I decided splitting the Birthday Episode into its own chapter made sense. But I had a doozy of a time naming it!

Working titles were 'Growing Pains Part 2', 'Un-Birthday' (as an Alice In Wonderland reference, since it's not Jim's actual birthday, but easily confused for an Unbecoming reference), or just using the episode title 'Bittersweet Sixteen'. I ran the problem by eurydykakaput, who always has good chapter titles on their AO3 Trollhunter Strickler fanfic 'Changing light', and their fresh perspective brought us 'Bittersweet Un-Birthday'.

I've concluded Jim's birthday was on a Saturday. He apparently didn't have his alarm set on the morning of his birthday. He then went to Trollmarket and spent the morning training (after the prank/attempted party). After that, he met Toby in the alley by the Vespa shop, and then went on the test ride. He encountered Steve and got attacked by a Stalkling, after which he ran right back to Trollmarket to ask Blinky what was trying to kill him now.

Jim was at school later that day because the play had Saturday afternoon-evening rehearsal. He was still going to rehearsals when he could, since he was the Romeo understudy until Steve's accident; Claire's line, "I need you to come back. I'm willing to beg," referred to Jim rejoining the main cast of the production. Toby was there because he walked Jim to school while Jim explained about the Stalkling.

This makes more sense to me than believing everything seen in that episode before school managed to happen between 6 AM and 8:15 AM.

Correlated to the previous point, I think the Arcadia Oaks High School’s school day starts at 8:15 AM. 6 AM is when Jim's alarm clock goes off. 8 AM is the time Toby and Jim declared themselves already late for school when biking out of Jim's driveway in the first episode. The 8:15 theory assumes they live a 15 minute bike ride from school going along the streets and a 10 minute bike ride if they cut through the canals, which were stated to "save us five minutes" travel time and which are close enough to the school that Jim and Toby could hear the final bell from the canal bed.

On the other hand, in Gnome Your Enemy, Señor Uhl pronounces Jim late for class when Uhl's watch reads 7:30 … so it's not really clear when their school day is supposed to start. I'm going to go with 8:15. It still feels early to me. My high school didn't start until 9.

Jim's thought, by Fair Morgana, was a multi-layered reference, with one definition of 'fair' meaning 'pale' and Morgana le Fay confirmed in pre-S3 leaks to be The Pale Lady who created Changelings. The line was written before I heard any characters rant about the name being cursed.

A few people have asked how Changeling aging rates work in this story. It will come up in the narrative, but not for a while, and the birthday chapter seems like a good place to explain.

Baby trolls are – well, were – kidnapped and taken to the Darklands and put through a magical process that, among other things, halts their physical aging until they are bound to a Familiar. They still grow up mentally (magic overwrites neuroscience) while they wait for a Familiar to be assigned to them. Once tied to a Familiar and able to shapeshift, their human and troll forms both age at a human rate for twenty to twenty-five years, after which they go back to aging at troll rate.

One reason Not Enrique is unnerving to trolls when they first encounter him in canon is because he looks like a toddler but has the mobility and articulation of an adult, giving him an Uncanny Valley impression.

Despite being physically adolescent in both forms, Changeling Jim is equivalent to a human in his early-to-mid-twenties.

And, if anyone is wondering, Jim's fifth-birthday bike kit "got banished the Darklands," by which I mean he took the pieces to the Janus Order base and threw them through the Fetch.

[merigreenleaf]

Get to Know the Writer Tag

I'm still like a month behind with these tag games. If I was ever on time for anything, just assume I've been replaced with a doppelganger lol. @hklunethewriter tagged me in these and I love these questions so much! I'm not going to tag anyone in particular because I'm so crazy behind, but if anyone wants to do these, go ahead! Tag me back so I can read your answers. :D 1.) What AUs do you fantasize about the most? Not a specific kind of AU, but a "if this event had gone a different way, what would have happened instead?" I have so so many drafts of short stories started that are just based on characters making different decisions. One I turned into a finished short story ("Change of Choice" is on Wattpad) but the rest are in story-limbo. I may finish them someday or I might not. I think I just like to fantasize about what could have been. 2.) What’s most valuable in a beta reader? I'm not really sure because I haven't yet reached the point of needing a beta reader. I'm thinking it would be that they'd notice plot holes that I might have missed- I have a feeling I'll need that most lol. 3.) Which character is the most like you? I'd say I'm some weird cross between Adair and Etri. Like Etri has my social anxiety and introversion and is more like who I am now, but Adair has the cheerful naivety, see the best in everyone outlook I had when I was his age. I was also obsessed with food and cats and art back then and was way more outgoing and social. Honestly, now that I'm thinking about it, Adair's pretty dang similar to how I was at 18. (Now I'm wondering what Adair would be like in 16 years. I guess I’ll find out when I get around to writing the book that has his daughter as an MC!) 4.) What’s your WIP’s theme song? I have a few songs I tend to associate with book 1. In particular I'd say “One of Us” by New Politics, “The Lucky Ones” by Brendan James, and “Everything's Magic” by Angels and Airwaves. 5.) Describe your creative style in a word. Ridiculous. (I’m not insulting the question, my creative style is silly and ridiculous.) 6.) Is there a book whose pedigree you want to reach? ??? I guess this means is there a book that I'd want my books to be loved like? I'd probably say the Discworld series. (I know I won't be as popular, though, because my comedic fantasy series is so very lgbt+ and there’s going to be a large audience that isn’t cross-over. A lot of straight/cis dudes like Pratchett, basically, and that’s pretty much the opposite of my target audience.) 7.) Who do you think you write like? (You can put some text in iwl.me to see what you get. I’ve gotten Joyce and Shakespeare lol) Well, I was heavily influenced by Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, and Mystery Science Theater 3000, so those are probably in there somewhere. (That link gave me Stephen King who I've never read anything by, but I can probably safely say I write nothing like lol.) 8.) If you had to go through a publishing press, do you know which one it’d be? It can be small, indie, or big. I still have no idea how I'm going to publish. 9.) How many finished stories do you have? Is this counting short stories and novellas? I think I had about six or seven prior to my current dorks and since then I've written about 16. I've only finished one book to the end, though. 10.) What’s the hardest part about being a writer? Having all these ideas and not being able to write them fast enough! I think my process is starting to speed up, but it takes me the better part of a year to finish one draft.

[paigerambles]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLEIGH!! (PT. 4) @lists-andrandomshit​

“That looked easier on TV.” ( Isobel & Logan )

“I know babe but just give me like, ten...twenty, maybe twenty five takes and I’ll get it just like that too.”

“That sounds painful.”

“Only if I don’t stretch first.”

“Who’d have guessed you could pull such a face?” ( Isobel & William )

“Who'd have guessed your legs could actually go that high?”

"Why are you wearing that?”

“Look Isobel, there's only room for one bitch in this relationship and I'm afraid that position has been filled. Goodnight.”

“That was a bad plan.” ( Dean & Jesse ) 

“There is no such thing as a bad plan, only plans that didn’t exactly go to...plan. ---Right, okay. Quit looking at me like that. I never should have gotten on Jase’s bike. If anything, Rose is just gonna think I am like, 3000% more loser-like than she already did. Now, can you please just draw Garfield on my cast and leave the judging for when they give me more pain meds?”

“That’s mine!”

“Oh hey sorry man. I didn’t mean to do that. Behind your back. I guess it was just an honest mistake, right? ... I’ll get you another soda.”

“Why yes, I am as think as you drunk I am.” ( Dean & Sapphire )

"Maybe we are meant to be.”

"That’s the cheesiest pickup line I’ve ever heard.” ( Alex & Jesse )

“Then just call me mozzarella, Vandervort ‘cause I’m on a roll. A pizza roll.”

“They’re coming.”

“... Harry Potter? No! The Walking Dead. No, hang on. I got it! You’re doing you whenever we’re at a charity shindig and your parents come over to warn you not to break anything. Else. I nailed it, didn’t I?”

“You could have died!” ( Alex & Logan )

“I know. I know that! I just--- Look, not that I don't appreciate it but... Why do you care so much, Alex? Why do you care so much about me?"

"You could have killed someone!” ( Alex & Vanessa )

"If he ever darkens the door of this diner again, I just might succeed.”

"This seems familiar.” ( Scarlett & Logan ) 

“C’mon Scar, don’t give me that look. I’ve definitely never used this exact and brand new excuse before to bail on a tutor sesh with my number one brainiac. Thus, this cannot seem familiar. What's familiar is you not throwing on your glad rags and doing a few rounds of shots with your protégé. That's what's familiar here.”

“This stays between us.”

“Scarlett... I know. Look, I know you still think that I'm some kinda idiot but I'm not completely clueless. You don't have to spell out what this means to you, how important it is. I get how serious it is. I wasn't gonna tell anyone what happened but if you need me to like, sign something or something then draft it. I'll use a glitter pen and everything. Whatever you need. But for the record, I still think he is completely undeserving of another thought from anyone, especially not you.”

“You coward.” (Scarlett & Sapphire )

"Oh what? You think that you're so much better because you hide your bottles of wine and pretend that you don't cry your eyes out every night? That just because you shrugged it all off and acted like you knew that dad was gonna do it all along--- You know what, I don't care. I don't care what you think of me or how I choose to deal with all the crap that keeps happening and happening. You can take your 'brave face' and just go straight to hell, Scarlett."

“You don’t need to be so gentle.” ( Scarlett & William )

"I just wanted to let you down easy, Scarlett... Logan was never going to be good enough for you anyway, okay? Okay. I'll see you later."

“Truth hurts, don’t it?” ( Jake & Sapphire ) 

“Yeah, you hear that. I guess I just never thought I'd have to hear any of that from you, Jake.”

“Want to hear a secret?”

“Yes, but only if it's a really good one. This is as sober as I'm getting this week so lay it on me, my lips will be completely sealed. But if it's that I'm the prettiest girl in the whole world then chill --- I already know that.”

“We need to talk.” ( Gunnar & Tessa ) 

"Serious face? I didn’t even know you were capable of having one of those. Don’t tell me... Blake Shelton didn’t get voted Sexiest Man Alive? ---I’m kidding. I- What’s wrong?”

“We’re moving too fast.”

"You’re the one who wanted to do the pony rides after getting corn-dogs. I’m just saying, there’s only one of us in the wrong here. It’s not me. It’s you, it’s you Gunnar.”

"You drive me crazy!” ( Gunnar & Logan )  

"You’re welcome.” 

"Well that was unexpected.” ( Freddie & Logan ) 

“Dude, I know. Since when does William Huntzberger ever show up to one of our games? Or just show up, period! Who invited him? You... You didn't invite him did you? Wait, what am I saying... William Huntzberger doesn't get invited anywhere, he just shows up unannounced like he owns the place which, even if he does, is just plain rude. Have I had enough whiskey to justify throwing all my chips at his stupid face?”

“What are we doing here?”

“It's called...relaxing. Now, I know you're used to living in the lap of luxury but let me tell you this: you haven't known luxury, until you've known luxury. Freddie my man, my guy... Welcome to the spa that hot stone massaged the bickering out of freshmen year Isobel Prescott, Charlotte Montgomery and Jessica Knightly. You are good to pay, right? Or do you want me to just throw it on my tab- yes, I have a tab here- and you can hit me up later?”

“You have ten minutes, so make it quick.” ( Freddie & Emmeline )  

"How about you just reign it in, Robin Hood. Relax, I'm not here to make sure your ass goes down for 10 plus years without parole. I already dropped the charges and paid a little extra so no one tells your mom about this. Now drop the attitude and let's talk like civilized robbers and robbees."

“What are you afraid of?” ( Felicity & Emmeline ) 

“What am I afraid of? Oh I don't know... How about everything! This is- God, this just isn't happening, okay? We are not having this conversation. What am I afraid of... He's marrying my sister. He was always going to marry my sister and- and it doesn't matter if I suddenly have- suddenly noticed these stupid feelings, I can't. I can't do anything about them. And that sucks! That's terrifying. I'll never get to do anything about them because we're stuck, trapped in this Fairchild-Donovan bubble and he doesn't even see it. Even if he did... He's Julian. He's my best friend and I- I can't ruin that. And what about Lucille? I've hurt her enough. I've done enough. I am so sick of feeling like this, of being terrified to even breathe around him and I just want it to stop. There. Are you satisfied?”

“What are you touching?”

“... I left a packet of Doritos underneath the couch cushions.”

"You lied to me!” ( Felicity & Nick )

"Well--- What the hell was I supposed to say, Felicity? That I was scared things were going to actually go somewhere? That I wasn't ready to be the guy with the perfect girl and the life that made perfect sense? That- That my parents were ready to call you family and practically put the ring into my hand and then onto your finger? I messed up, I know that. If I could go back and do things differently then I would. Or I'd at least try to but... It doesn't matter now."

“You mean everything to me.” ( Baby!Felicity & Nick )

"You’re not so bad yourself, babe.”

“You owe me.” ( Felicity & Logan )

"You are ridiculously hot when you’re being vaguely threatening.”

“You. Come. Snuggle. NOW!”

“I thought you wanted breakfast? I- I mean, yes ma’am. Miss. Felicity.”

“What are you?” ( Jenny & Nate ) 

“I- What? I’m... Just out the shower?”

“What do you need?”

“This is sort of embarrassing but I don’t... I don’t really know how to work the...oven and uh, the cooking instructions on the back of this are in a really small font. And- You’re totally judging me right now, aren’t you?”

“What happened to you?” ( Caisson & Bella ) 

“Don’t act cute, Andrews. I think we both know exactly what happened. Please don’t take this lightly: do not fuck with my practice piano again.”

“What have I done this time?” ( Caisson & Tessa )

“You tell me. This is the fifth time this week someone’s spontaneously lost their eyebrows around you. That’s the kind of reputation that sticks y’know.”

“What if someone catches us?” ( Julian & Emmeline ) 

“Then we’re screwed.”

"What sort of noise was that?”

“Hey, this has always been my laugh. Don't be a buttface, thank you.”

"What the hell do you think you’re doing?” ( Tripp & Emmeline ) 

“Don't be a bitch baby, Vanderbilt. It's not like I'm tossing you out the window or anything... But if you're not gone before my roommate gets home from her shift, I am going to toss the Armani down the garbage chute. I'll do it”

“What were you thinking?”

“I don't know, Tripp. Everyone was just being so loud and it was like every time I tried to speak, to get out one little word, my throat started to close up and I couldn't focus anymore. It was just a blur, a big pointless blur of selfish and petty people who I- I was so desperate for the approval of. Still. Even after everything I've been through, everything I did to get away... I was like a little girl waiting for mommy to tell me she loved me more than the big white bow in my hair that meant everyone's eyes would be on me at her ball. Her ball that she did love so much and I... Can- Can we just go back to not talking? I feel like we're much better at that.”

“Where are my clothes?” ( Tripp & Logan ) 

“Trippsy, please... Use your indoor voice. I'm not even awake yet and I only have one leg in my pants and I don't even know where the other one is. Clothes are just society's way of caging your soul, man. Don't let them take that from you. Be the nude you wanna see in the world.”

“Where did you find this?” ( Ruby & Sam ) 

“You think Amber is the only one who ever saw your first headshot? Think again, Ruby Roo.”

“Where do you even find this sort of thing?” ( Ruby & William )

“Trust me, you're better of not knowing. But ah, if you need anything... I am the guy who can get it for you.”

"Where were you?”

“Here, there, everywhere... Why? Are you expressing some sisterly concern for me?”

[bt2018bt2018]

Avoid paying $500,000 dollars of mortgage interests by raising kids with this idea for your retirement http://ift.tt/2DQNGem

Avoid paying $500,000 dollars of mortgage interests (like a Chinese) by raising kids with this idea for your retirement which convert kids’ income spent on their unnecessary materialistic wants into an annuity/monthly allowance to you in exchange for giving them the deed of your house at the end of 40 years. In 40 years, your kids would be wiser to manage the assets you leave to them compared to giving their money away to banks and businesses owned by upper class people who brainwash you with media and culture in order to lock you in a mortgage contract where you slave the rest of your life to repay that debt. PRINCIPLES:- 1. The family money should not leave the family and go into financial institutions. 2. Do not let the words of media/culture (controlled by the elites that want you to buy their properties) that take minutes to be spoken to sway you to slave at work for the rest of your life to pay the debt. 3. Don't feel despair by thinking that you are uncool for not having your own place. What is uncool is putting up with bad bosses and back stabbing colleagues for the rest of your life to earn money and give it to the bank. 4. Targeted for cultures that do not give monthly allowance to their parents and for cultures that give allowance which should also have a contract drawn up. 5. If your child doesn't want to pay you an allowance for your retirement and instead spend their money on sinful desires, why bother leaving the house to him or her when you could just sell the house to give to people in need, enjoy a nice holiday or whatever you desire in the period before you die. 6. It is funny that people donate to charity but do not donate to their parents whom are in need of help or a better lifestyle which brought them to the world and raised them. 7. Example scenario on the problem of trust: My parents promised to leave me the house but went crazy and gamble the house away when they got old. 8. What if my children spend their hard earned income on their materialistic desires when they are young and foolish which prevented them from having enough retirement savings when they are old? How do I control that? 9. Trust is unpredictable, changes all the time and intangible. 10. Helps the lower and middle class people to sustain and grow their wealth for all their unborn generations to come. BENEFITS OF IDEA: 1. A roof over your head with your partner and kids. 2. Shared resources with your parents to take care of each other. 3. Lower food expenses as you buy groceries in bulk. 4. Happiness and Family Time (Parents get to spend time with their kids). 5. Sufficient money for your parents to retire. 6. End the cycle of poverty especially for your future generations. 7. $500,000+ mortgage interests savings exclude opportunity costs in that amount could be reinvested in other financial products to earn interests. ($1 million dollars in high interests savings account gives you $3,000 payout monthly. Is that enough for you to retire?) 8. Ability to respond quickly to help your parents to the hospital in the event that they suffer a heart attack:- what is the cost of a few more years or decades of your parents' (who brought you up) life to you? 9. Your parents could help you to the hospital if you are pregnant and need you to deliver a baby. 10. Your parents could help look after your pets if you need to go for work trip / holiday or you can help to look after theirs. 11. A million dollars and house for your kids when you pass away. WHY IMPLEMENT THIS IDEA: 1. You can put up shit at work for a monthly pay check and you cannot negotiate this idea/contract that could give your parents retirement income, a house for you, free up your cash flow, and ending the poverty cycle for your future generations? 2. Would you live with your parents for a few more decades for half a million dollars v.s. putting up with a shitty workplace for the rest of your life for a few more decades to earn half a million dollars? 3. Why pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for two gardens and living room when most working adults spend the bulk of their time in one room doing computer work? 4. Teach this idea to your kids when they are young and if they stay with you, they might just save your life when you are having a heart attack. 5. Does anyone like to die alone? No. 6. With half a million dollars generated from implementing this idea, you could buy luxury handbags and Lamborghini sports car that you always wanted by a thousand times over. 7. If you need space, you can always use the mortgage interests’ savings for dining out for all meals, stroll in Melbourne's beautiful garden and watch movies everyday. 8. Instead of reverse mortgage to bank, reverse mortgage to kids. 9. What is the cost of sound proofing your room, cost of legal fees to you in comparison to $500,000 mortgage interests’ savings? HOW? 1. Stay with your parents even after marriage and having kids. 2. Enter a legal contract to buy the property from your parents in terms of paying them a monthly annuity till their passing. (Your lawyer can work out possible unhappy scenarios and other fine details). When your parents pass, the property is yours to keep and the deed would be under your name. 3. Business skills needed: Open communication, negotiation skills, sales skills, smiles, friendliness, eye for a good opportunity to bring up the topic. 4. House rules required as per staying in a rented property with strangers. 5. Buy a big house with enough room for three generations. 6. Put both your name and your parents name on the deed of the house, so one cannot sell the house without the other knowing. 7. Share the household bills. 8. Set ground rules. 9. Soundproof all rooms. 10. Endure for 20 years to hit one million dollars of cash > diversify in top 3 banks> put in high interests savings account/other financial products > get $3000 monthly interests payout > Enjoy life without working at all. ALTERNATIVE SOLUTION FOR THOSE WITH A RISKY APPETITE: 1. Stay with your parents and use your income to buy an investment property. 2. Draw up contract with parents as above but use the rental income to pay the monthly annuity to your parents. POSSIBLE FLAWS TO THE IDEA: 1. Noisy household that can be avoided by spending $50,000 out of that $500,000 mortgage interests (saved) to build a state of the art sound proof room for sex noises with your partner and etc. 2. Minute Legal costs 3. Remember to diversify your earnings between three banks to safeguard against the bank that goes bankrupt. SHARE THIS IDEA: 1. If you have already paid your mortgage, share this idea with your circle of influence and teach your kids this idea especially when they are young and impressionable. SIDE NOTE: To those people who have lost their jobs or are affected by my blog; I hope that my house idea would compensate you with a million dollars and would save your parents, your own life, and your kids' lives should they have a heart attack one day. Input from friend J: Hi Ben. There is no clear direction on this but from general contract law, a contract between family could be seen as a domestic arrangement - therefore the contract could be invalid and unenforceable if challenged in the courts. There is no legal consequences for the child. Unless the Family Law or Property Act is changed, there isn't a legislative basis. E.g pre-nupts are specifically set out in the Family law act but these days have a high rate of being challenged because they are not drafted properly. I'm not a property law or estate law expert but I would think the only way to transfer property legally is via a transfer of deed or will. You might want to check with a property lawyer on this. There are also succession and tax implications to consider. My initial thought is how would this idea work when there are more than 1 sibling? Maybe after 2 generations it would become messy to divide interests if one sibling died or did not want their share for example money, finance, mortgage, retirement, parenting, bank, insurance, law, contracts, savings, creativity, innovation

Musing, Musing - Money February 01, 2018 at 08:01PM

[junker-town]

How to be a bandwagon Falcons fan, from actual Falcons fans

Hold tight, there’s a lot to know.

Hello. You’re probably here because your team was one of the 30 unfortunate franchises that didn’t make the Super Bowl (been there before) or you just hate the Patriots so much that you need to take on the other franchise in this Super Bowl.

It just so happens that team is the Atlanta Falcons this season.

So here you are, trying to look like a legitimate Atlanta Falcons fan for whatever reason that may be. Fear not, by the time you finish reading this — no matter where you are from or what team you typically rep — you will come across as a real-ass Atlanta Falcons fan.

Players you need to know

Introducing the entire team would be way too long and unnecessary, so here’s some extremely basic info about the players you’ll hear from the most on Sunday.

There’s no better place to start than quarterback Matt Ryan, aka “Matty Ice.” There’s a vocal contingent of fans who have just about despised him up until this season, but he’s put it all together and gotten help from the rest of the offense. Now, Ryan appears to have built the strongest case to win the NFL MVP award.

His best target is Julio Jones. If you find yourself on Twitter during the game and Jones happens to make a big play, simply tweet “JULIOOOOOOOOOOOOO” and you’ll fit right in.

JULIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

— Harry Lyles Jr. (@harrylylesjr) January 22, 2017

Fans have also adopted the same with Mohamed Sanu, by tweeting “SANUUUUUUUUUUU” give or take some o’s and u’s in each, of course.

In the backfield, Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman are responsible for making opposing defenses put their hands on their hips or knees in exhaustion, desperately trying to get every last breath of air that they can.

Also: DEVONTAAAAAAAAAAA!

Defensively, know Vic Beasley, the NFL’s regular season leader in sacks. And don’t forget the vet, Dwight Freeney, and young defensive backs Keanu Neal and Robert Alford.

This team also loves its ping pong, and SB Nation’s own Jeanna Thomas is your insider for all things there.

Matt Ryan just used his hand as a ping pong paddle. Good awareness, savvy veteran move

— Jeanna (@jeannathomas) December 2, 2016

He’s not a player, but you should also know about head coach Dan Quinn. The Falcons have gone through plenty of coaches in the past, but Quinn is a proven winner in the past with the Seahawks, and has brought that same feeling to Atlanta.

Know the Falcons’ struggle

The Falcons haven’t had a lot of nice things in the past. They have the third-worst winning percentage of all 32 NFL franchises in history, with an all-time record of 341-437-6. Only the Arizona Cardinals and Tampa Bay Buccaneers are worse. Within that losing record are plenty of single moments that had — and still have — fans shaking their heads in disbelief.

A “BRIEF” RUNDOWN:

Dave Hampton becoming the first 1,000-yard rusher in team history, then losing it on the next play

Losing Michael Vick after he went to prison for dogfighting

Watching Bobby Petrino leave — for Arkansas — with the quickness

Jim Mora said he'd take the University of Washington head coaching job over the Falcons job "even if they were in the playoffs”

Scoring 2 points in a playoff game against the Giants

Blowing a 17-point lead in the 2012 NFC Championship to the 49ers

Losing on a pick-2 to the Chiefs

Eugene Robinson getting arrested the night before Super Bowl XXXIII after trying to solicit a prostitute who was actually an undercover cop

The Tomahawk Chop (a Braves rallying cheer) broke out in a home game in 1991, which seemed cool... until they lost.

Trading away a young Brett Favre, even though he wasn’t all that great in Atlanta. It was still Brett Favre.

Wade Traynham whiffed on the opening kickoff in the team’s second game in 1966

The 15 years between those big playoff games vs. Dallas and Dan Reeves getting hired, the Falcons were 79-147-1, a .350 winning percentage

When Deion Sanders returned to the Georgia Dome after playing five seasons with the team and stared down the entire sideline while running back a pick-six

The “Gritz Blitz” defense. We invented a pressure and named it after FOOD

Picking Aundray Bruce No. 1 overall in 1988. He played 34 games for the Falcons.

The 2012 draft class

Noisegate (we don’t give a shit)

Jamal Anderson’s ACLs

Other items to note

#RISEUP. The Falcons’ mantra was adopted in 2010, and while it initially wasn’t received well when the Falcons weren’t exactly doing too much winning. Now, we’ve pretty much just accepted it for what it is at this point.

This “Rise Up” video is wonderfully soulful, and something that we can all agree is good:

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t play games when the Falcons are on, either:

O MUTHAPHUKKYN K!! Finally, some Grown Man Football! Rise Da Fuck Up!!!!

— Samuel L. Jackson (@SamuelLJackson) September 20, 2015

The 1991 Back in Black Falcons, where the team went back to their black uniforms for their 25th anniversary.

The Falcons ran an option offense for three years, with the No. 1 rushing offense, and no one noticed. They said Mike Shanahan invented the option a decade later.

Until 1998, our greatest head coach was a crazy person who awarded himself trophies and gave tickets to invisible Elvis. (Hey, Jerry Glanville)

The Falcons' first owner, Rankin Smith, once got drunk and grounded his yacht, "Pocket Change,” on a reef in the Bahamas

They’ve had a handful of notable players in franchise history

Steve Bartkowski: Bartkowski, who played for 10 years with the Falcons, is the only quarterback in the team’s ring of honor.

William Andrews: Andrews was one of the best running backs in the NFL during his time with the Falcons from 1979-83. He suffered a knee injury that kept him out for two seasons, before coming back as a tight end in 1986 for one season.

Jeff Van Note: Van Note played center, and was a five-time Pro Bowler in Atlanta, where he spent his entire career from 1969-86.

Tommy Nobis: The first player ever drafted by the Falcons in 1966. He was also the first Falcons player to be voted to the Pro Bowl in his rookie season. He is Mr. Falcon.

Deion Sanders: Primetime! He spent the first five seasons of his career with the Falcons, while also playing for the Atlanta Braves. He even played in the 1992 World Series.

Jessie Tuggle: He’s one of the greatest players in franchise history. “The Hammer” was a fierce linebacker that was a fan favorite for over a decade.

Claude Humphrey: Humphrey was a first-round pick by the Falcons in 1968. Another early Falcons legend, he finished his career as the all-time sack leader in franchise history. He’s also a Pro Football Hall of Famer.

Others to know:

Terence Mathis, Bob Whitfield, Bob Christian, T.J. Duckett, Warrick Dunn, Ray Buchanan, Jamal Anderson, Chris Chandler, Keith Brooking, Tony Gonzalez, Alge Crumpler

Rivals of the Atlanta Falcons

1. Saints

2. Saints

3. Bobby Petrino’s team

4. Saints

5. Niners

6. Saints

7. Matty B Raps

8. Bobby Petrino

9. DeAngelo Hall

10. Joe Horn

11. Drew Brees

Musical interests can be used to weed out fakes

Listen, if you haven’t paid attention to anything before this, you need to be on top of this if you’re really trying to sell your “fandom.”

The city of Atlanta does not play when it comes to our music. In particular, the hip-hop scene is something that we hold near and dear to our hearts. I won’t list everything because we’d be here all day. Instead, here’s a brief (and incomplete) list.

Outkast: This is the perfect starting point for anybody trying to fake the funk. Outkast is one part of the Atlanta hip-hop scene that nobody can argue against. Andre 3000 and Big Boi combined for one of the greatest duos hip-hop has ever seen.

Jeezy: Jeezy probably doesn’t get as much love as he deserves. He’s got so many classics like Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101 and The Recession that we won’t list them all. But know Jeezy the Snowman.

Ludacris: Luda is a graduate of Georgia State (where tuition is handled by the dean of students office), and along with Jermaine Dupri, made arguably the Atlanta anthem: “Welcome to Atlanta” which should absolutely play inside any airplane that touches down at Hartsfield-Jackson. But that’s another conversation.

T.I.: He’s got a discography that’s almost as vast as his vocabulary. Also, Michael Vick was in the “Rubberband Man” video. Rise up.

Gucci Mane: You can’t say enough good things about Gucci. Just grab a glass of lemonade and kick back and listen to The State vs. Radric Davis.

Crime Mob: Just know and respect “Knuck if you Buck” and pretend like JuJu on that Beat never happened.

Shawty Lo: The unofficial mayor of Atlanta (R.I.P)

Future: Being proficient in his newer material will suffice. You won’t be on the bandwagon too long, but you should be listening to Future if you aren’t anyway.

Migos: They’re arguably the hottest on this list with their new album Culture that came out featuring “Bad and Boujee.” On their song “T-shirt” from Culture the beat is from Dem Franchize Boyz’s “White Tee” just slowed down. Freakin’ geniuses.

Rae Sremmurd: That mannequin challenge that flooded your timeline for a month? That was them. But they make more dope music than just “Black Beatles.” Their name is also ��ear drummers” backwards.

Miscellaneous tidbits about Atlanta

The Varsity actually isn’t that great, and we leave it to tourists

We love Waffle House, and you better not slander it

There’s OTP (outside of the perimeter) Atlantans, and ITP (inside the Perimeter) Atlantans

Regardless, anybody in the suburbs 45 mins to an hour from downtown will tell you they’re from Atlanta

If Georgia didn’t have Atlanta, it would be Mississippi

Not all Atlantans drive trucks: some have Dodge Chargers, while others drive Tahoes

Sweet tea

Chick-fil-a is now as common as McDonald’s are everywhere else and we live by it

Almost everybody in and around Atlanta has an ATV, including former Braves great Chipper Jones, who used his to rescue Freddie Freeman during a rare snowstorm

That’s a fairly brief and sufficient rundown of what you’ll need if you’re trying to prove your “Falcons fandom” at your Patriots-fan cousin that you hate’s Super Bowl party or whatever the case may be.

Enjoy the ride.