#because what ends up happening is that the three point lighting causes very similar values which causes the overall image to read badly

[gallifreyevermore]

Page 1 of 20 of a 20 of an artbook illustration challenge I’m working on :3. This one has Arvis, Sigurd and Deirdre returning home from Askr

Progress gif under the cut.

[gimme-mor]

ACOTAR THINK PIECE: ELAIN ARCHERON, UNTOUCHABLE

*DISCLAIMER*

This will be a long post.

Please take the time to read this post in its entirety and truly reflect on the message I am trying to send before commenting. My goal is to use my background in Gender and Women’s Studies to deconstruct the comments I have seen on Tumblr and Twitter and bring awareness to the ACOTAR fandom.

The reason I am tagging “Elriel” in this post is to call attention to the arguments in the Elriel fandom that: weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions about Elain’s character and her relationship with Lucien; victimize Elain’s character in fandom discussions; and coddle Elain’s character, which limits fandom discussions about her narrative development and prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions in the same way that the fandom holds other characters accountable for their actions and inactions. It is for these reasons that I WILL NOT remove the “Elriel” tag from this post because all of the above points contribute to the toxic discourse surrounding Elain’s character.

I urge those who use these arguments to understand their implications, why they are problematic, regardless of intent, and reexamine their contributions to the ACOTAR fandom. I WILL NOT tolerate anyone who tries to twist my words and say I am attacking people and their personal shipping preferences. In fact, I AM CRITIQUING THE ARGUMENTS THEMSELVES NOT THE PEOPLE USING THE ARGUMENTS.

Also, I highly encourage the Elriel fandom to read this post because it addresses how the concept of choice as an argument enables arguments to exploit social justice and feminist languge in order to vilify Elucien shippers, among other problematic things.

Elain Archeron is one of the most polarizing characters in the ACOTAR fandom. Though opinions about Elain vary, arguments in the Elriel fandom cite society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters as the reason behind the hate, and this belief is used to provide an explanation as to why other characters in the series are favored over her. In the series, Elain is portrayed in a wholly positive light and this image carries over into the Elriel fandom, painting her character as a good and kind female who has been unfairly wronged and a victim of circumstances that were out of her control. When arguments in the Elriel fandom oppose other viewpoints in the fandom, they fall into one of three categories:

Category 1: Weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions

Maybe people who hate Elain are just jealous of her in a weird way similar to when someone hates the pretty, nice, and charming girl in school just because she is too perfect

Disliking Elain is misogynistic

What happened to feminism? What happened to women supporting women? What happened to she can say no? All of that disappears the second you force Elain to be with Lucien

Elain antis are misogynistic

All Eluciens are Elain antis

Antis claiming they’re feminists when in reality they hate on Elain and Feyre but love Nesta

Elain antis are such sore losers. Y’all were that bunch of people who could not get over being rejected from hanging out with the cool kids so y’all are projecting your hatred towards pretty people now to get validation

I don’t get how Elain’s love for gardening equals boring for some people. I’m sorry your misogyny finds traditionally feminine activities boring

Why are you attacking a female? What did Elain do? Where are your feminist voices?

The fandom is misogynistic towards Elain

If people loved Elain they would ship Elriel

If you hate Elain it says a lot about your feelings toward women

If you hate Elain because she has no “development” then you must hate Azriel because otherwise you’re misogynistic

Eluciens are turned off by the idea of a woman that has the autonomy to reject a man for the simple reason that it is her choice

Eluciens are all about feminism and “it’s HER choice” until it comes down to females not wanting a male

Eluciens don’t respect Elain’s feelings when they ship her with someone that was part of her trauma and makes her feel uncomfortable

The way some Elucien shippers completely disregard how uncomfortable Elain is around Lucien is so hilariously not funny. Prioritizing being mates over Elain’s feelings is just regressive

It’s hard as a fan of Elain to see someone ship her with a person who makes her physically uncomfortable to be around. Wouldn’t you want both characters to be happy to be around each other

Imagine if SJM saw all the awful things her “stans” had to say about Elain

It’s true that we know comparatively little about her, but is she really boring or do you just not value stereotypically feminine traits?

So y’all are just gonna tell me you prefer Elucien over Elriel? Even though Lucien treats Elain as if she’s something that belongs to him? The only reason he wants to be with her is because she’s his mate, he doesn’t respect her, doesn’t treat her as his equal, even though that’s what mates should be? He doesn’t bother to look past what’s on the outside to see her for who she is. And Elain is obviously repulsed by the idea that she should belong to anyone or have no choice in who she can be with. Azriel is her friend and the only person who sees her quiet strength. He has so much faith in her, in her abilities; he’s the one who kept her company when no one else did, he’s the only one who bothered to see her for more than her brokenness. You’re going to tell me you still prefer Elucien over Elriel?

The more I see Gwynriels that ship Elucien out of their hate for Elain, the less I can understand Elain stans that ship Elucien. Pls Elain has made it very clear that she doesn’t want Lucien, why would you ship her with him? Do you hate her too? Smh

The real question would be, if you care and understand Elain why would you ship her with Lucien (where she canonically shrinks when he is near)?

People crying over Helion and Lucien’s mom not getting to be with each other and her being forced into a relationship she didn’t want, but also ship Elucien? Just say you hate Elain

When Elain’s book is out, Gwyn stans will look like clowns and I will laugh because they set her up by shipping her with Azriel just because they hate Elain. Watch them play the victims now because Elriels are clapping back the hate they’ve sent towards Elain

As romantic as wanting girl who is visibly uncomfortable around a guy who caused her trauma to end up with the said guy. Guess their standards for romance are in hell

Category 2: Victimize Elain’s character

Gwynriels only want Gwyn with Azriel because they despise Elain

Gwyn stans and Gwynriels are Elain antis

No one in the books dislike Elain, so why are there so many people who do?

Elain hasn’t done anything wrong or questionable to warrant the hate she gets

Not having Elain’s POV makes it easy for people to be swayed a certain way about her character if you already don’t relate to her in some way

It’s been years since this series came out and we haven’t gotten a lick of an Elain POV, but people still hate her for what? We don’t know her thoughts, dreams, or aspirations

We haven’t even had Elain’s perspective yet and people are passing these judgments off on her

Elain antis who say she’s boring are just cruel when she has obvious symptoms of PTSD like Feyre and Nesta

Gwyn is one of the most overhyped characters and that’s only because most people hate Elain and they couldn’t wait to find a random girl to ship Azriel with

Nesta was abusive to her sisters but Elain (who has only ever been kind) is painted as the villain

From the text we know that Elain is the epitome of feminine stereotypes (gentle, gardening, baking, non confrontational for the most part). Yet people still call her boring or deny that she has any interesting character traits?

You can’t love Nesta and hate Elain

People hate Elain because of internalized misogyny and lack of taste. All the girl does is tend to her garden and mind her business and they treat her worse than Tamlin

Does Gwyn deserve all this support? Of course yes! She is amazing! But where’s that support when Elain was in the same situation as she? Where’s that support for her right now? Why do they idolize Gwyn for her interactions with Azriel and hate Elain for having any interaction with him?

It’s not even a ship war anymore, they just hate Elain

People hate Elain for no reason

Some of y’all don’t like feminine traits and it shows

We know less about Eris and Helion but people don’t call them boring. Why would rejecting femininity make Elain more interesting?

Elain has had a lot forced upon her

The main reason I believe most people love Gwyn so much is to get Azriel away from Elain. It’s not a secret that Elain has been a widely hated character for years so suddenly we get a new female who has a minimal amount of interactions with Azriel and BOOM. New ship that once again doesn’t make sense (just like Azriel x Emerie after ACOFAS)

Elain hasn’t done something so terrible for her to get this hate. At this point some of you are just being misogynistic and you don’t want to accept it. Don’t call yourselves feminists and then say bs like this, it’s embarrassing. She’s pretty and everyone agreed to hate on her

Just a personal feeling, but I feel like a lot of the Elain hate stems from internalized misogyny. That to be a strong female lead, you need to pick up a sword and fight. That to be strong, you need to adapt traditionally masculine traits

Elain is feminine. She is beautiful. She loves to bake and garden. She is docile, quiet, observant, and a people-pleaser. All traditionally feminine traits. Yet for some reason, she’s like the worst in these people’s eyes?

I think also maybe a lot of people can’t relate to her femininity? That her being so beautiful and quiet doesn’t allow for the people who dislike her not to self-insert? Most of the hate stems from people not wanting Elain to be with Azriel. It’s mean, but maybe the people who hate Elain literally just can’t self-insert if they have a story and that’s why they’re vehemently against it?

Poor Elain. The Cauldron dealt her a bad deal. Upon emerging as Fae, she is immediately declared by Lucien as his mate, never mind that she was already engaged to a prick. Her love life is not good

It blows my mind how they really think that they can compare all the shit that Elain gets with some dumb jokes about Gwyn on Twitter (and yes, the “hate” towards her started mostly because Elriels are clapping back, it was bound to happen)

I would think of it as anti-feminist with Elain and Lucien because she has consistently stated that she does not want him so if she was forced to embrace the bond that would be taking away her right to have a choice but with Az she feels comfortable around so if they were mates then Elain would be happy and feel safe which again should be the priority for women to feel safe in their relationships with anything and to not be forced into any type of situation aka the mating bond in this

Category 3: Coddle Elain’s character

Elain has value the way she is, in all her domestic girly glory. Not every character has to be badass

We don’t speak of Elain’s flaws frequently because everyone else already speaks badly of her, mainly in an unfair way

There is definitely something deeper going on with Elain but by no means will she ever be evil or any less feminine. That goes against everything we already know about her

It’s ok to critique Elain because she needs growth but y’all keep forgetting the shit her and her sisters went through

The last “bad” thing Elain did in ACOTAR was not help Feyre when they were impoverished and I’m tired of people acting like she’s a terrible character when it was their father’s responsibility. It happened 4 books ago and Feyre has forgiven both Nesta and Elain

Elain’s character and the evil Elain theory are a great example of the trend where people only consider female characters interesting if they reject femininity

We don’t know enough to hate Elain

Many people want Elain to turn evil (which in my opinion seems to come from a place of internalized misogyny)

However we don’t tend to talk about her faults, at least not publicly, as that has been, and still is, done to death, and I--personally, at least--find it much more fun to theorise about potentially interesting aspects of the overall plot, than dwell on negatives

And ultimately, I would be shocked if Elain has a more karmically-charged story than Nesta, considering that Elain’s “wrongs” are so much less severe and bad than Nesta’s, and Elain has already apologized for them (or paid the price in other ways, like through what Graysen did)

I guess I also think Elain has suffered and been punished enough. I hope her story is about finding hope in terrible situations, and learning to love her new life, and choosing her own path after everything that has been done to her. I don’t think she needs to be punished anymore or face any additional trauma

Also, why is she being judged on her decisions as a human at all? Fae are monsters to humans! They enslaved them for thousands of years, and the Wall was erected to keep them out

Like I’m sorry, but think Elain would want to leave her ONLY FAMILY AND FRIENDS for the Spring Court where she has no one because--oh look, lots of flowers!--is the craziest thing I have ever heard

Her sisters are in the Night Court. Her nephew is in the Night Court. Her closest friends (Nuala and Cerridwen) are in the Night Court. Her love interest is in the Night Court. Her extended family is in the Night Court. Her home is in the Night Court

SJM isn’t going to keep two sisters together and split up the third. Especially not keep Feyre and Nesta together and separate Elain. They were either all going to end up in separate places, or together. Not 2 here and 1 there

Compared to the other female characters in the series, Elain is the only character whose femalehood is at the center of conversations; this is because arguments in the Elriel fandom fixate on it when discussing her character. While Elain, Feyre, Nesta, and Mor are all representations of white womanhood and white beauty, Elain epitomizes the most fragile version of white womanhood. It’s easy to blame society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters when it comes to the discourse surrounding Elain’s character because it: falls in line with the fixation on Elain’s femalehood to silence opposing viewpoints; is a simplistic explanation that fails to tackle the underlying issues with Elain as a character, the same issues that are downplayed in-universe; absolves Elain of her wrongdoings; prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions within the series; and diminishes the impact Elain’s actions and inactions have on those around her. It’s not that Elain is hated in the fandom because she’s a traditional female character; it’s the fact that arguments in the Elriel fandom deflect a critical analysis of Elain’s character because she’s a traditional female character who embodies the ideal white woman in need of protection. White fans and white-aligned fans of color, especially white women, have a tendency to vehemently defend, gatekeep, and coddle white female characters in fandom; this makes it difficult for other fans to engage in critical discussions about these white female characters because they’re viewed as flawless and all around perfect characters despite evidence to the contrary. Since Elain is viewed positively by the other characters in the series, it has rendered her character untouchable to any perceived slight or criticism in fandom discussions because those negative opinions challenge what has been said about her character thus far. And as a result, her character has been placed on a pedestal and implicitly hailed as the epitome of white womanhood; and when she’s criticized, it’s seen as a direct attack against white womanhood. Arguments in the Elriel fandom: exploit feminist language and perpetuate white feminist tactics under the guise of defending Elain’s character; center Elain in conversations about female oppression in the ACOTAR world and uphold white feminist ideologies in their critique of ACOTAR’s patriarchal society; and use the fragile white woman narrative to victimize Elain in Lucien’s presence, playing into racial biases that are associated with white supremacy’s defense of white womanhood.

Feminism is a social movement that seeks to promote equality and equity to all genders, and feminists work toward eradicating gender disparities on a macro-level, in addition to challenging gender biases on a micro-level. As feminism became more mainstream, a flat and oversimplified version of feminism emerged: mainstream feminism. The mainstream feminist movement is meant to represent all women, but rarely does it center conversations around issues that concern most women. The problem with mainstream feminism is that it’s just a popularized version of white feminism. White feminism has relied extensively on an individualized understanding of women’s oppression, exclusively from the lens of privileged white women. White feminism only focuses on the oppression experienced by white, able-bodied, affluent, educated, cishet women; and it views gender as the key mode of privileged white women’s oppression, isolated from the privileges granted by their other social identities. White women can be and are oppressed under the patriarchy but only because they are women; their identity as women does not exempt them from the privileges granted by their whiteness. The term white feminist does not mean any feminist who is white, but refers to feminists who prioritize the concerns of privileged white women as though they are representative of all women. However, the term is not exclusive to white people. Because white feminism is so pervasive, people of other racial and ethnic backgrounds often buy into white feminism, believing that if they work hard enough, they may be able to reap its rewards.

Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism only recognizes the identity of being a woman, assumes that all women share common experiences of gender oppression, fails to address other social identities in relation to overlapping systems of oppression, and disregards privilege in relation to various social identities. Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism is palatable because it doesn’t seek to challenge the systems in place, instead its goal is to succeed within them. Essentially, mainstream feminism and white feminism are extensions of performative feminism. Performative feminism is a type of performative activism that’s used to describe feminist views that are surface level and solely for the benefit of one type of person. It’s a pretense which often has nothing to do with genuine activism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom normalize and promote performative feminism because the topic of feminism is only referenced when discussing Elain. This indicates that these arguments are engaging in disingenuous discourse to push a personal agenda within the ACOTAR fandom, and it becomes more apparent when they use white feminist tactics to shut down opposing viewpoints:

White feminists weaponize and exploit feminist language to silence the opinions of other women, especially when they’re called out for their problematic behaviors

White feminists use the phrase “Women supporting women” to defend other white feminists who exhibit problematic behaviors instead of holding them accountable 

White feminists weaponize phrases like “Women supporting women” and “You just hate women” to attack other women who disagree with them on any given topic

White feminists use phrases like “All women face challenges” and “Stop pitting women against each other” to sidestep conversations about privilege

White feminists divert conversations away from privilege and towards the Trauma Olympics to equate their struggles to the oppression of marginalized people 

White feminists skirt around the realities of other forms of oppression and discrimination, downplaying the experiences of marginalized people

White feminists diminish or ignore the ways in which gender oppression affects other marginalized people

White feminists paint those they harmed as aggressive, mean, or divisive when confronted with the ways they have harmed a marginalized group

White feminists deflect criticism by focusing on the anger or emotions being expressed rather than the issue that is being discussed, invalidating the concerns of marginalized people

White feminists speak over marginalized voices in an attempt to sound “woke”

White feminists get defensive and insist there’s no way they could be a part of the problem because of what they’ve done to help marginalized groups already 

White feminists say they don’t see color in an attempt to obscure racial issues that need to be addressed

White feminists center and victimize themselves in conversations about racism, which derails necessary conversations from taking place

White feminists who are white weaponize the intersectionality of their race and gender to avoid accountability

Feminism is not meant to be approached from an individualistic perspective nor is it only about addressing the experiences of privileged white women, it involves addressing the intersections of race, class, gender, sexuality, (dis)ability, and other social identities as well; and it involves addressing how these social identities relate to privilege. Moreover, feminism is not about women upholding complete loyalty to other women because of a shared gender identity, and to claim that it does implies that women should be held to different emotional standards than men. If men are able to dislike and criticize other individual men, real or fictional, without their characters being compromised, why aren’t women granted that same privilege?

It’s clear that SJM set up the ACOTAR world to mirror a patriarchal society, and that the imbalance of power between males and females stems from sexism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom analyze the ACOTAR world through a feminist lens to show how ACOTAR’s patriarchal society, to which the mating bond is innately tied, contributes to female oppression and limits their agency. When choice and free will are emphasized as part of Elain’s arc, they imply that Elain, through the mating bond, experiences female oppression under ACOTAR’s patriarchal society because of her identity as a female with that identity being the focal point of her oppression in the world. Elain is one of the most privileged characters in the ACOTAR world: she’s High Fae; she’s the sister of the High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court, which gives her access to wealth and political influence because of that connection; she’s able-bodied; she was magically blessed by the Cauldron; and she lives in Velaris, a place that grants females autonomy and power because of the beliefs of Rhysand and Feyre. Arguments in the Elriel fandom trivialize female oppression in the ACOTAR world because they disregard the fact that Elain’s privileges prevent her from experiencing female oppression in the same way that other marginalized females in the world do. The mating bond being one such example because those around Elain are not forcing the bond on her, instead they’re allowing Elain to reach a decision about the bond for herself; a privilege that other marginalized females in the world probably wouldn’t have. Just because Elain has endured hardships in her life and is a female in a patriarchal society, they do not erase the privileges she holds within the ACOTAR world. The failure to include Elain’s privileges in discussions about Elain being a female in a patriarchal society feeds into white feminist ideologies because white feminism operates from a very narrow perspective; it doesn’t take other intersecting identities into account when it examines gender oppression, leaving no room for discussions about privilege (or lack thereof) in relation to those intersecting identities. When discussing oppression in hierarchical societies, it’s imperative that privilege is also included in the conversation because privilege and oppression are not mutually exclusive; they equally affect the ways in which people navigate those societies through their social identities.

Rather than attributing Elain’s uncomfortability to her new life as a Fae female or the mating bond itself and her trauma to the Cauldron, the King of Hybern, or Ianthe, they’re placed on Lucien to cast his character in a negative light. Moreover, fandom discussions portray Lucien as a possessive character to further emphasize Elain’s discomfort despite the inaccuracy of this characterization in canon. Arguments in the Elriel fandom play into racial biases when it comes to Lucien (a male character of color) because they mischaracterize his character in order to victimize Elain (a white female character), placing her character in the role of the white damsel in distress. In Western society, the concept of womanhood has been conceptualized from a Eurocentric perspective with femininity and feminine attributes favoring white women. It’s the idea that a certain type of femininity is only inherent to white women as they are seen as the embodiment of an ideal womanhood. White womanhood has been a symbol of innocence and purity, and white women have been viewed as fragile beings in need of protection. The reason white womanhood functions within white supremacy is because it’s the same idea that has motivated white men to kill and beat black and brown men. The so-called protection of white women has been used as a justification for the horrific violence committed by white men because black and brown men were stereotyped as aggressive and seen as a threat to the virtue of white women. The white damsel in distress trope considered white women as worthy of protection because of their perceived innocence and purity; women of color were not granted that same treatment because they did not fit into the ideal image of womanhood. Over the years, this trope became a means for white women to exercise limited power in a patriarchal society with white women weaponizing their status as the damsel much to the detriment of black and brown men. It’s through the white damsel in distress trope that white supremacy sustains its dominance in Western society. The misrepresentation of characters of color in fandom, the dismissal of their importance to the overall story, and using them as tools in arguments centered around white characters are the foundation of fandom racism; they’re examples of how racism moves silently in fandom spaces. Instead of examining their behavior and taking constructive criticism from fans of color, white fans will often double down on their bigotry and center their uncomfortability in the conversation when confronted with their complicity in fandom racism. White fans expect fans of color to swallow fandom racism in its many forms in order to not ruin the experience of fandom, dismissing the fact that racism is prevalent in nearly every aspect of society. This mentality ensures that no one is held accountable for the harm they caused and alienates fans of color in fandom spaces.

To reiterate what I mentioned in my first think piece: terms like “oppression”, “the right to choose”, “feminist”, “feminism”, “anti-feminist”, “anti-feminism”, “internalized misogyny”, “misogyny”, “misogynist”, “sexist”, “sexism”, “racist”, “racism”, “classist”, “classism”, “discrimination”, and “patriarchy” are all used in specific ways to draw attention to the plight of marginalized people and challenge those who deny the existence of systems of oppression. Yet these words and their meanings can be twisted to attack, exclude, and invalidate people with differing opinions on any given topic. When social justice and feminist terms are thrown around antagonistically and carelessly to push a personal agenda, it becomes clear that these terms are being used to engage in disingenuous discourse and pursue personal validation rather than being used out of any deep-seated conviction to dismantle systemic oppression. Being an ally, activist, or feminist is not an identity, it’s a practice. It requires: ongoing self-reflection; holding ourselves accountable; listening to marginalized people; educating ourselves; dismantling implicit biases; challenging those around us who are exhibiting problematic behaviors; and action behind our words.

It’s important to be aware of the language that is used within the fandom when defending or critiquing characters and ships. It’s also important to question how an argument is framed and why it’s framed the way that it is to critically examine the intent behind that argument: is it used as a tool to push a personal agenda that reinforces problematic behaviors, or is it used as an opportunity to share, learn, enlighten, and educate?

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Tagging: @spell-cleavers @bookofmirth @m0bulidae @ilya-boltagon

[fellcharas]

my deltarune theory(ies?)

DISCLAIMER: i am not an actual theorist and i wrote this all from memory! this is taking into consideration the possibility that chara is involved in the making of deltarune (1, 2) as well as other widely believed theories (gaster being involved)

putting a read more because this shit is LONG so buckle up

start with the basics?

something i was thinking about last night is how it’s interesting that we don’t know very much about susie’s home life or her reason for being “the bully.” while there are certainly hints that point to it not being great at all, there’s nothing directly confirming what it’s like.

however something that many people have pointed out is that through the numerous odd similarities deltarune and undertale have, there is the clam girl. for those who don’t know, clam girl is a NPC that you encounter if your game’s fun value is between 80 and 89 and you’re not playing a no mercy route. she talks of her neighbor’s daughter, suzy, and tells frisk that they should become friends with her. but she notes the fact that frisk would have no idea where suzy is yet fate will find a way for them to meet.

in the true pacifist epilogue of undertale with a fun value of 81, clam girl explains that the time frisk (or we, the players) will meet suzy is “fast approaching.” this specific term is yellow in text and her sprite becomes grayscale. then she abruptly vanishes, the noise as she does so being the same noise used for the mystery man and gaster follower 2 sprites when interacting with them. interestingly, her grayscale sprite is “spr_clam_goner”, not much different than goner kid. this dialogue was also added right before the release of deltarune.

so... who is suzy? while it is possible that suzy could just be susie with a different name for undertale’s sake, it’s also possible that suzy could be susie’s sister, likely younger. catty, returning from undertale, has a little sister in deltarune named catti. there isn’t much significance that i could add that would make it likely suzy is susie’s little sister other than this, but i felt it was worth mentioning so do with it what you will.

so... what else?

after interacting with clam girl, if you do the work necessary to access sans’ basement (or “lab”), you’ll be able to find a description of a photo inside one of the drawers that points out there are “three smiling people” with the text “don’t forget” written on it. this has been pointed out several times before due to the fact “don’t forget” is the deltarune song that plays at the end of ch1 (and ch2 although remixed?). if i recall correctly there is no other way of finding this flavor text except for interacting with clam girl. interesting.

lots of people believe that the covered machine in sans’ lab is a time machine. with sans’ many connections to gaster, it’s also possible that this could be a machine gaster made and had broken. it is said to be unfixable.

gaster is confirmed to have created the core. but i don’t believe this is what he fell into. it’s never specified what he fell into, just that it was his creation. so i believe that gaster fell into the time machine. and by taking entry number 17 into account, we are met with the possibility that the time machine might involve a black hole. fortunately for you guys black holes is a special interest of mine, so i can explain this easily.

basically, the anatomy of a black hole, or the structure, consists of the following:

event horizon

singularity

photon sphere

ergosphere

the event horizon of a black hole is the shadowy dark sphere that we see in images. it is a boundary in spacetime where gravity is so strong that nothing, not even light, can escape. once having crossed the event horizon, the nature of spacetime begins to deform, causing space’s usual three dimensions (length, width, height) to form only one dimension (movement forward) and time’s usual one dimension (into the future) to form three dimensions (past, present, and future). spacetime is what makes up our reality. remember this. and, as predicted by einstein’s theory of general relativity, mass bends spacetime (imagine our universe as a flat plane, and the mass of our earth causes a dip in the space underneath it), so a black hole’s mass warps spacetime so strongly that any direction you try to go in once having crossed the event horizon will lead you to the singularity. (at least... for a non-rotating, non-charged black hole.)

the singularity is a gravitational singularity, a region that may lie at the center of a black hole wherein the curvature/deformation of spacetime becomes infinite. because all black holes spin (due to their last moments as stars involving very fast rotational speeds), the singularity in a rotating black hole’s mathematics smears out to form a ring singularity (ringularity) that lies in the plane of rotation. in this case (as well as the case of a non-rotating black hole), the region has zero volume. and because of all of the black hole’s mass being held in this region, the singularity can be thought of as having infinite density. within a rotating black hole it is possible to avoid the singularity, and extending this solution as far as possible reveals the hypothetical possibility of exiting the black hole into a different spacetime (region of reality) with the black hole acting as a wormhole.

the photon sphere is a spherical boundary of zero thickness in which photons (elementary, electromagnetic radiation particles, associated with light) that move on tangents (the tangent line to a plane curve at a given point is the straight line that "just touches" the curve at that point) to that sphere would be trapped in a circular orbit about the black hole. while light can still escape from the photon sphere, any light that crosses the photon sphere on an inbound trajectory will be captured by the black hole.

lastly, the ergosphere is a region of spacetime found in rotating black holes in which it is impossible to stand still. basically, it’s like a whirlpool, and any object near the black hole will tend to start moving in the direction of rotation.

okay, so... what does this have to do with entry number 17?

WELL, here’s the dialogue from entry number 17. i’ll bold the key parts that i feel tie the possibility of this being a time machine to the time machine involving a black hole:

ENTRY NUMBER SEVENTEEN DARK DARKER YET DARKER THE DARKNESS KEEPS GROWING THE SHADOWS CUTTING DEEPER PHOTON READINGS NEGATIVE THIS NEXT EXPERIMENT SEEMS VERY VERY INTERESTING ... WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK

as you can probably tell by now, it’s possible that this description of growing darkness, no photons, is similar to that of what a black hole is like.

but why would gaster create a black hole as part of a time machine? well, my idea is that he didn’t mean to do so. he likely concentrated enough energy or mass that caused a black hole to accidentally form. this black hole would have been small in diameter, thus having an incredibly short lifespan, its evaporation being violent. this would have broken the machine entirely. however, for the sake of undertale being a video game, it’s understandable why sans (and possibly papyrus or alphys) would be okay and why the machine is still relatively in tact.

it’s unclear to me why gaster would want to make a time machine. because time travel in the sci-fi sense (involving the grandfather paradox) is likely impossible without breaking the fabric of our reality, this could also be explained for why it went so horribly wrong for gaster. and - fun fact - once you cross the event horizon, you are lost to the universe forever. every particle you are made of, every little bit of energy you hold within your existence, is lost to the outside universe. forever. this is called the black hole information paradox. however, realistically, those who are outside of the black hole will still remember you, but in gaster’s sense... i don’t think this is what happened.

it’s possible that gaster managed to avoid the singularity, if the black hole he crossed was rotational. however, because he couldn’t leave the black hole, he could have traveled to different points in spacetime. this is why he was shattered across time and space as his followers describe, because undertale confirms that within its world, this possible existence of a black hole allows for wormholes to exist.

but... but wait. no, no, no. we can’t think of undertale as space-time. why? because sans himself confirms that the continuum of undertale’s reality is a time-space continuum. he puts time before space, which could be intentional and thus swapping their roles. within undertale this means that time is 3-dimensional, explaining the existence of save points and the ability to reset and load. space, on the other hand, is 1-dimensional, meaning you can only ever go one way which is to the end of the game. even if you load previous save files, you’ll still end up finished.

so if gaster was shattered across time and space, it’s possible that he was also shattered beyond. it’s believed that he had some sense of awareness, that he found out he was in a game with multiple different timelines, thus starting his “experiment.” he created the blueprints for the determination extraction machine, and because it’s also widely believed that he and chara were in cahoots with each other, maybe gaster wanted to extract some of chara’s determination and make something for himself. and maybe he succeeded in some way, not by extracting chara’s but by making his own somehow. it’s unknown right now to me. (though if he acquired determination somehow, that would make sense if the mysteryman sprite was him, considering the weird markings or drippy things on his face as well as the general blob-like look.)

so this implies that deltarune’s reality is a time-space continuum as well?

yes. gaster was smart, brilliant even, but it’s likely he didn’t know much beyond the nature of his own reality. when creating deltarune he made the reality of its universe something similar to undertale’s, with 3-dimensional time and 1-dimensional space. if gaster had the determination or something more, enough to persist even as a remnant of a shattered being outside his own reality, then this makes sense as to how he’d be able to create deltarune. if he’s forgotten to everyone within the world of undertale, and (in some abstract way for the sake of kris, jevil, spamton and possibly others) known to nobody in deltarune, yet he created deltarune, he isn’t dead. he’s something else. he’s a god.

and this is why chara is in cahoots with him, even now.

see, chara has determination. they didn’t fall into the underground intentionally; they tripped (1, 2). given these facts and theories it’s likely that chara had determination, or hope, the ability to persevere and keep going no matter what. chara had a red soul like frisk’s, which is what made their essence attach to frisk’s body. that’s why they are tethered to us via name and stats and narration. and as we all know, the red soul symbolizes determination. power.

but while chara is very much their own person, they are still what their name was meant to imply: a character. chara reflects the will of the player; they are not the player theirself, they are their own person, but due to their attachment to frisk (and by extension, us) they act as a mirror for what we do in undertale. and sadly for them, gaster is much more powerful due to his circumstances. gaster is more like us than chara is.

and given deltarune’s theme of nobody’s choices mattering, nobody having any real control over what they do or say, if we take into consideration the fact that chara speaks in the no mercy route about destroying "this" world and "moving onto the next" and asking "when were [we] the one in control", then it’s clear that they have something to do with the theme of deltarune. chara has only ever wanted control, whether that be a good or bad thing is currently out if the question. they wanted control over their own life when they were alive in undertale, and now they want control over other people. anything they feel is a good thing for them to have control over, they will reach for it.

the gonermaker sequence in chapter 1 is abruptly cut off by someone who speaks VERY similarly to chara, in contrast to the person from before who we all agree is gaster (in both japanese and english, it is very chara-esque way of speaking). now, why is this called the gonermaker? my guess is because chara has been discarding all these vessels, making gaster’s experiment much more difficult to start off and get going.

all the gaster followers from undertale, including goner clam girl and goner kid, show up in deltarune. they are fully colored sprites. the only goner character who doesn’t show up in deltarune is the one WE create in chapter 1′s beginning sequence. and i think that’s because they are set up to reappear, at some point in one of deltarune’s future chapters.

so, chara has been discarding all of the vessels, all the followers, all the now-goners because they know that these people will never have control over their lives. as long as they are shallow vessels meant to worship and serve our (the players’) and gaster’s desires (to play a game and experiment, thereby affecting an entire world/universe), they have no autonomy over themselves. and this resonates with chara for a multitude of reasons we can tie back to undertale. they state that "no one can choose who they are in this world," because it’s true. no one can choose who they are. not in a world dominated by gods like us and gaster. and that’s why chara discards these vessels and characters who were probably once their own real persons, as a means of sparing them from what they lacked for theirself: control. and no matter what, even if chara didn’t interrupt, we would have still ended up as kris because again No One Can Choose Who They Are In This World. chara was making gaster’s sick joke plain and simple for us, that it applies to us in some way too.

so then... what’s the deal with spamton and jevil? 

well, i think they are people who encountered gaster (this is widely believed anyway) and convinced themselves that they were significant for this knowledge that they are in a game, knowledge gaster told them of, driving them both insane and robbing them of who they were meant to be. and because nobody can choose who they are in deltarune, when they try to break free nothing changes or has a happy outcome, because it’s sadly just not possible to change your fate in deltarune.

this presumably-fact becomes clearer with spamton, though. and that’s why kris becomes so afraid, both at the end of spamton neo’s pacifist battle and his snowgrave battle. because kris can’t choose who they are, either. kris is like spamton, a puppet. a heart on a chain. they don’t have full control over who they are and trying to break free only hurts them more, as we see whenever they tear their soul out of their body and disable our input. but, maybe it’ll be different for kris, because they ARE the protagonist. but right now it feels like they’ve given up on the idea of having control over theirself. the only rebelling they do is work to open a dark fountain, thereby continuing the story of deltarune and, really, only helping us more in terms of playing the game.

and i mean, it’s also obvious that gaster holds influence over kris, too, considering the weird hidden encounters where you interact with something and see a man smiling or waving at you or giving you an egg. and this egg doesn’t change into a ball of trash like every other dark world item once you return to the light world. it stays the same. i can’t really remember the significance of eggs when it comes to gaster other than his whole existence being left as an Easter Egg but i do know that on the date with papyrus in undertale, there’s an egg on the side with the dating hub so, whether that’s there for funny points or lore is unknown, but interesting too.

i also want to say that i don’t think gaster and chara are being pitted against each other in terms of "these are 2 different types of gamers." while that would make sense simplistically, i feel like toby would be much more in depth and nuanced with it, as he usually is with his method of storytelling. because even though chara is kind of god-like, considering their death in undertale and their soul being the same as ours, leading to them being attached to us like some kind of angel (and angels have lots of significance in both undertale and deltarune), they’re still only a character and not at all on the level that gaster is.

i personally think gaster and chara are, on a more hidden level because toby isn’t being very direct at all with these two, meant to represent a different side of the "player vs character" perspective. and that’s something that undertale and deltarune have both tried to convey to us in the no mercy and snowgrave routes, but unfortunately in undertale’s case it was widely misinterpreted in both ways. i think it’s a bit more sensible to go about it this way, because gaster is not us, as in we don’t control him like we can other characters, and the symbolism of what he’s meant to represent is there.

ok, one last question: how did chara access wherever gaster’s in?

that part is still very foggy. i can’t come up with a definite reasoning, but for now i’ll take a wild guess and say that maybe chara grew tired of being a ghost with no real autonomy. maybe they decided they wanted to break free for theirself, and by doing this their essence became detached from frisk’s body (and by extension our control), thus causing them to be shattered similarly to gaster or winding up in the void gaster has. however that happened.

there’s a lot of uncanny resemblance between chara and kris, though, especially if this is the case. chara breaks free and winds up in the void with gaster, and kris realizes that breaking free for theirself may not be all that they think it’s meant to be. given spamton neo and all. aside from the fact that chara and kris look similar, have the same family (though in different universes of course), and strangely both have a sweet tooth, this is especially odd to me.

i can’t quite put it into words, but it feels like, to me at least, chara is very much present in the world of deltarune. and they share similarities with kris that are hard to ignore.

so that’s it, then.

for the most part... yes. a lot of the theories i’ve linked here and there explain things i agree with, so you can read them as you see fit. i especially recommend nochocolate’s posts on chara if you’re interested, such as the ambiguity of freedom in undertale (and, though this was never mentioned in their post, by extension now deltarune).

but. there is one character that seems to be involved in some (or a lot) of this. and that’s papyrus. the only problem is, i can’t figure out what’s going on.

at first glance papyrus is just a very charming guy. but you know, he’s actually a lot more mysterious than sans. he shares similarities to chara and flowey/asriel, and holds weird possible connections to gaster. he’s also the only major character from undertale (aside from asriel) who hasn’t made a physical appearance in deltarune. while checking sans and papyrus’ house will have you met with narration describing “a distant trousle of bones”, it’s worth noting that in chapter 2 it’s described as getting farther and farther away. so... why? is this world’s papyrus just shy, or is there a deeper reason?

again, i can’t tell what’s going on with papyrus, if there even is anything at all. but there’s a lot of weird and mysterious little oddities involving him that i don’t think are unintentional or accidental.

anyways... there. hoo boy. that’s my theory. or theories. i don’t really know. like i said, i’m not a theorist, i don’t know everything and i don’t expect any of this to be true. it’s just what makes sense to me. and it’s important that if you believe this, you also recognize that toby is the creator and he does what he thinks is best when it comes to the story of deltarune and the possible connections it has to undertale (even though toby’s said that the two have no connections, it’s not uncommon for him to be untruthful about things).

if you read all of this... thanks! let me know your thoughts!

[lochnessies]

I feel like 3H discourse gets fucked over a bit by people not taking into account that characters will say inaccurate information (without it having to be a plot hole). Perspective is a huge theme in Three Houses and characters are going to make, sometimes, dramatic actions based off that misinformation.

yeah

Like, Dmitri accuses Edelgard of being involved in the Tragedy of Duscur, but, she was like, 12 when that happened. It’s a lot more likely that Edelgard was being experimented on or recovering from experimentation during that point in time considering that the Tragedy happens not long after Edelgard and Dmitri last see each other.

do i think edelgard was involved? nah. it’s one of the few things i genuinely believe her on. however, it isn’t unreasonable for dimitri to think she was somehow involved. i mean, faerghast is pretty standard medieval when it comes down to fighting. was sent to quell rebellions at like 14. that’s really young. and in the middle ages the standard age that boys trained to be nights was at the very least seven (glenn was 15 when he was full on knighted). felix says he learned to fight before he could write his own name and dimitri was already swinging swords at nine. not to mention she was in the kingdom and then not long after she leaves the tragedy happened. so it could also look like she was a spy even if she didn’t set lambert on fire herself.

then there’s the whole shit of her saying nothing. a whole nation gets wiped out and she has no plans to ever vindicate them. hell, even dedue says that her being involved in any way is unacceptable and he’s fucking pissed. is he delusional? is he being irrational and unfair to edelgard? she isn’t the victim here, dedue, his people, the kingdom royals and co. are.

Likewise, Setheth accuses Edelgard of trying to become a false goddess when that’s not even remotely close to her goals.

ok this part right here is the reason that this fucking thing took forever to come out (sorry anon). i have so much to say and i wanted to write it all but i decided to put in my edelgard essay instead. i then waited to post this answer but sadly it’s taking longer to edit than i planned and i feel bad so you’re going to have to wait for this bit. so if you stick around i’ll talk about that in depth in the essay but just know that i disagree with the op very much.

Edelgard makes a ton of false accusations and misconceptions about Rhea. She accuses Rhea of being a power hungry inhumane tyrant who has no regard for life outside her own when that just isn’t remotely accurate.

And then there’s Claude, literally the only major faction leader that cares to uncover the truth and nuances of everyone’s decisions. He’s literally the only faction leader to not act like his version of events is the definitive truth. He acknowledges that he and Edelgard are fighting for similar things: a system overhaul of Fodlan. He also doesn’t oppose the Church because he’s learned enough about it to want to keep it’s institution in place. That’s why he’s the only faction leader that can survive in every route (I’d consider Seteth and Rhea to share the role as Church Leader since Seteth leads the Church Route but Rhea’s the one actually in charge of the Church). Claude is also the only leader that doesn’t make any false claims about other factions. I said a while ago that Claude would make the best ruler and this is why.

ok this is fine

But going back to what I said earlier about discourse, this impacts discourse drastically because people can just pick whichever version of events they prefer and there’s probably a character who claimed it went that way. The plot also doesn’t seek to clarify events one way or the other in any route. So even if you’ve played every route, it’s up to the player to make judgment calls on who’s speaking out of their ass.

except it’s literally not. we are told what routes have correct information from the devs themselves. and unreliable narrators can be proven and disproven when you put their words against everyone else, their actions, and the lore.

Between all the relevant character and plot details the game hides behind supports, endings, and other easily missable content and the fact that no two characters interpret the series of events that happen in the plot the same way (due to coming from various background, being present for some stuff but not others, having different priorities and biases that will cause them to interpret different things in different ways, etc.), no two players are likely going to interpret the events of 3 Houses the same either.

just because two characters interpret the events differently doesn’t mean they’re right. for example, the agarthans think the crest experiments are good but edelgard and lysithea would say otherwise. but you wouldn’t say that twsitd’s perspective is valid just bc they see things differently.

and when i see players trying to excuse some of the most horrific things bc they don’t want their fave war criminal to look bad yes i will judge them. you can like whoever but don’t excuse shit like imperialism and racism and we will be fine.

So, if you want to talk 3H, please acknowledge that none of the characters should be taken solely on their word, especially when describing major things. With the examples I gave earlier of misinformation in the game, it makes sense that Dmitri would place the blame of the Tragedy of Duscur almost entirely on Edelgard because he doesn’t know about the Agarthans or Edelgard’s history with them.

ok but she’s still complicate if nothing else. that’s still terrible. like if she was planning to clear duscur’s name that’s one thing but she isn’t. the only way to do that is to reveal twsitd and we know she doesn’t since it is a shadow war that the people don’t know about since that would reflect badly on her for working with them.

It makes sense that Edelgard has a lot of misconceptions about the Church because once you start completely rewriting and erasing history (and the Church does openly censor literature, which is shown in Claude’s route), any possible “true story” is more likely than the story you’re giving. Alongside that, Edelgard is getting most of her information from the Agarthans and a very private source only accessible to the Imperial Family.

fair but choosing war at like 13 is an extreme jump. maybe wait till your brain fully develops and you have a better picture of the world around you

It makes sense that Seteth might assume that Edelgard is trying to become a false god because he’s been helping lead a religion based on lies for centuries.

she is. also the religion isn’t based off of lies. sothis exists. she’s in your head. a few details were changed to hide nabateans from a red canyon massacre 2.0. however, the values are the same. also he came to the monastery 20 years ago not centuries.

When you’re trying to understand some part of Three Houses, you have to think about where that information came from, what factors might be biasing that information, and that there might be some detail that shines a new light on that information somewhere else in the game that you’re missing. And that’s generally a good philosophy to have when processing any information.

yeah

That’s something I like about Three Houses. I like how you have to sort through a ton of biases and misinformation within the game to understand the story. If you let your own biases get away from you too much, you’re going to miss the larger picture. The game let’s you know exactly where everyone is coming from in some way and (almost) everyone is given a sympathetic eye in at least one route. And (almost) everyone is viewed as irredeemable in at least one route.

the only people who are portrayed as irredeemable are edelgard and rhea (and maybe dimitri if you count edel’s contempt for him in cf).

[procrastinatorproject]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Star Trek: Picard Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Agnes Jurati/Cristóbal Rios Characters: Agnes Jurati, Cristóbal Rios Additional Tags: Meta, Developing Relationship, my take on Agnes and Cris's relationship, and why i think it works, Minor Character Death (Mentioned), Psychological Trauma

Title Inspired by @regionalpancake‘s glorious Downtime Drabble “You’re Light On Me”

A while ago, a friend confessed to me that they didn’t really understand what Agnes Jurati and Cris Rios see in each other. They felt the relationship seemed unmotivated and forced, and they didn’t really see why other people thought it worked.

I’ve seen this sentiment a few times since the show came out, and I’m not here to tell anyone they have to agree with the show-writers’ choices or like a relationship if it doesn’t work for them. But I recently reread the little essay I sent that friend in reply (after making sure they’d want to read it ;9 ), and I really liked it, so I thought I’d share it here.

When people say that the kiss between Agnes Jurati and Cristobal Rios at the end of Star Trek: Picard season 1 blindsided them, I understand where they're coming from. I think the showrunners could have done more to make the developing relationship between these characters truly obvious, but for me, it didn't feel like the mutual attraction between Cris and Agnes came completely out of nowhere. Let me explain.

One of the big things about Rios’s character I find striking is that he wants to be stoic and cynical and misanthropic, but he just... can't do it. He tries! He's short, he hides behind his books, and he pretends he doesn't care about politeness. But the only people he ever swears at are Raffi, a very good friend, and the holos (which are a whole other matter, because there is all this self-loathing tied up in Cris's relationship with them). Over the course of season 1, it's pretty clear that Rios is rather good at reading people, and he wants to do right by them. He defers to Picard pretty much immediately and Soji looks at him pleadingly once and he decides to put his ship at risk for her.

Rios doesn't want to like people, he just can't help himself. He wants to be annoyed by Agnes interrupting his reading, but I think he finds her quirkiness disarming and charming. It's already visible in the way he looks at her on the bridge, when they talk about paper books. And then they go to the holodeck to discuss Picard's detour to Vashti. Since Agnes is the audience stand-in, she asks a bunch of questions, and instead of being annoyed or short, Cris patiently explains everything to her (after offering her a seat). Later, when Cris asks Agnes what she thinks about his outfit for the Stardust City caper and she says he's killing it, there's a beat there. He seems almost a little taken aback, either by her sincerity, or maybe by realizing he values her opinion. It's yet another thing they connect over it. (Also robot boxing. That scene is adorable)

With regards to Agnes… I think partially, she's leaning into her natural humour and quirkiness to appear non-threatening and not give herself away, but I also have another read on her behaviour. (This may partially be me projecting WAY TOO HARD, or, to put it more generously, applying some lived experience to what we see of Agnes's character, so your take on this might be very different. But this is what I see.)

When Agnes and Cris talk before they go off to have sex, Agnes is making jokes and smiling. To me, that doesn’t read as fake or a ploy to manipulate Rios, it seems real. And then when he asks, really asks, how she's feeling, suddenly there is this chasm of pain right under the surface. For me, the idea that Agnes has this intense psychological trauma and is dealing with it by finding joy in little things, like watering the plants, and reading papers, and flirting with the hot captain by completely wrong-footing him with a comment about her dad... it feels very authentic. And I can see how this guy, who pretends to be all uncaring and edgy but is actually a big softie not very far under the surface, and who smiles at her jokes and takes the time to explain stuff to her and listens to her babble, that's a nice distraction from the horrible things happening in her mind. Not in the sense that she's manipulatively using him, but in the sense that this kind of human connection gives her moments of light and gives her reasons to keep going, even through so much pain.

After Agnes kills Maddox, she is deeply, deeply conflicted over what she's done. To the point where when they’re leaving the Artefact, she basically says "I don't care if the world ends if I don't kill Soji. Let it all burn. I just can't do this anymore". And then here is this man, who's kind and caring and, yes, hot, and at first it's "I just want to feel something, anything, and he's here, he's half-naked, he's gorgeous". And Rios isn't necessarily opposed to a no-strings-attached fling. Because he keeps telling himself he doesn't get attached and he hates people and he's only ferrying them around because they're paying him. So it's a distraction with a woman who is quirky and witty and pretty, but it won't mean anything, and that's okay.

And then Agnes changes her mind, because she realizes having sex with Rios will make things more complicated. Or maybe because she thinks Rios deserves better. Or that she shouldn't have sex to distract herself from horrible emotional pain because that's kinda unhealthy.

So she pulls back.

And Rios, instead of being annoyed at missing out or feeling like she led him on, or any number of things, asks her how she's feeling. In a way that makes it clear (at least to me) that he really cares about the answer. And for a moment, Agnes lets him see the true darkness inside her. Because she can pretend it's about Maddox dying, she can pretend it's just about being a lonely nerd. She doesn't have to tell him how bad it really is, but she lets herself feel all of the bad emotions for just a moment.

And then she kisses him again, maybe to shut herself up or to distract herself, or because she needs the connection. And he doesn't have any illusion about what it is they're doing. He knows she's trying to feel better, he essentially tells her he knows it's a way for her to deal with her devastation, and he's okay with it. Maybe because he knows what it's like to feel hollow and terrified and need something, anything to cling to.

And at this point, I think they're both still telling themselves that they don't actually care about each other. Cris because he doesn't want to care about anyone ever again so he won't get hurt. (Which, again, he fails miserably at, but I think that's how he wants to see himself and why he treats his holos with so much disdain that Emil tells Picard "He doesn't get any nicer", even though we see Rios being kind to all the people on board.) And Agnes doesn't really have the brain space to allow herself to fall for anyone. She's just taking little moments of light and human connection where she can get them. And they both decide to have sex as a one-night-stand, just to make Agnes feel better for the night, just because they're both lonely and in pain. No deeper meaning behind it.

And then the whole tracker debacle happens. It takes three days to get to Nepenthe and by the time Agnes goes into a coma, they're still a couple days away at least. She doesn't wake up until Picard is back on board, which means she's out for a long time. Even though we don’t see much of the medical drama, we can assume she was very much at death's door. So, now Rios is faced with once again losing someone he feels somewhat responsible for. Someone he has actually gotten close to. And I think that moment and the fear it causes him might make him start to realize how much he actually cares about her.

And then when Picard and Soji are on board, they all sit down together and figure out the big mystery at the heart of season 1. And here is another thing Cris and Agnes find out they have in common: Both of their lives and minds got destroyed by Oh's machinations. Cris went against everything he believed in when he covered up what Vandermeer had done. He didn't actively kill anyone, but he feels like Vandermeer's death is his fault. His belief in the fundamental goodness of Starfleet was shattered when they threatened to blow up his ship. For Agnes, this kind of shattering of a truth she had clung to comes when she realizes she wasn't acting on the directive of the Head of Starfleet Security in a black-ops mission sanctioned by one of the most important institutions of the Federation. Instead, she was nothing but a pawn, used by Oh for nefarious purposes that had nothing to do with the greater good. The exact circumstances of their traumas are different, but they were both caught up in the same catastrophe and cover-up and it has marked them in similar ways.

I think this is one of the reasons Rios doesn't blame Agnes for killing Maddox. If anything, he gets more protective of her, e.g. by trying to stop Sutra from forcing another mind-meld on Agnes. You can see this in a more subtle scene, too: when Cris says goodbye to Agnes at Coppelius station, he reaches out to touch her face, but then he hesitates and proceeds with extreme gentleness and care. To me, that reads like someone very, very aware of the other person's trauma and possible triggers (forced mind-meld) and caring deeply about making sure she feels safe and has something good to counterbalance the horrible memories.

And finally, we clearly jump quite a bit in time at the very end of season 1. When our motley crew sets out from Coppelius, the Synth Ban has been lifted. Just imagine the bureaucracy that must have taken! That’s not something that can be overturned in a day. Also, Raffi and Seven have had time to connect, so I imagine in that time, Cris and Agnes, too, will have slowly figured out whether they're compatible and whether this relationship is something they might, very carefully and gently, endeavour together.

Because they have a compatible kind of humour, because they understand what it's like to feel deeply broken but to keep going regardless, because she's witty and quirky and he's caring and kind and they went through a very specific hell together, and they might be able to hold each other's hands as they slowly make their ways towards healing.

I’m going to do a metatextual thing here and quote an absolutely gorgeous drabble by @regionalpancake that, to me, encapsulates one very important aspect of the relationship between Cris and Agnes.

     Your Light On Me  

You’d forgotten just how it felt. To feel like you. A stranger, Last seen aboard the Ibn Majid. Proud, red trimmed shoulders, Bright pips, a polished combadge. You signed aboard, And found A different man signed off. You’re old enough to know, She cannot fix you. You wouldn’t want her to. That’s between Pops and you. That’s your work to do, Not hers. But Agnes? Preciosa. Something in her, Shines a light. Reminds you who you are. You have to find, Your own way home. But god, It’s nice, At last, To find, A gentle soul, To hold the lamp.

 Chapter 74 of Downtime

That. Right there. A gentle soul to hold the lamp. I think for me, that's what the relationship between Cris and Agnes boils down to.

They are broken people in a broken world, but by the end of season 1, they have found that they can hold each other while they try to put themselves back together. And what starts out as a fun, distracting flirtation, then turns into "meaningless" sex to stop feeling lonely and sad, finally becomes the beginning of a relationship built on shared trauma, but more importantly on kindness and charm.

I have no idea whether these two can make it work long-term, but I am very much on board for what we've seen so far, and I hope this can help a bit in explaining why.

NB: After I finished writing this a few weeks back, I remembered that there was a fic that came to very similar conclusions. Upon reread, I realized it essentially hits the exact same points I do here and does so absolutely beautifully. So if you want a truly touching in-universe perspective on this relationship, go and read Love Comes Softly by Be_Right_Back (@smhalltheurlsaretaken, or listen to the Podfic recorded by Thimblerig. I cannot recommend this fic highly enough!      

[killing-all-joy]

The World Is Ugly

I went “screw it” and decided to hop on the songfic train because this idea has been in my head for a looooong time. Finally finished it! This is a bit of a style divergence but I think it turned out nice so I hope you like it!

Pairing: Prinxiety

Word count: 7,127

Warnings: anxiety, mentions of murder

Virgil chewed on his thumbnail, staring at his phone in thought. He knew he had to tell Roman somehow, he just didn't know how. He had never been good at expressing intimate emotions.

Normally, Virgil would be incredibly anxious about telling his crush he liked him or he would ignore the feelings altogether, but this was different. Roman was different.

Why? Many reasons.

Virgil had known Roman for many years. They met in college and hated each other. However, they were friends with some of the same people and were forced to be around each other. They both had refused to sacrifice their friendships in the name of hating someone.

Over time, they stopped hating each other. Roman apologized for the names and the insults and Virgil apologized for his insults and cynicism towards Roman's creations.

Virgil eventually fell in love with Roman. When he realized it, it was like someone had yanked back a curtain over his feelings, but looking back, he found that the falling-in-love part was slow and gradual.

Now, it haunted his every waking minute.

Roman wasn't just like every other crush. Virgil had been in love with Roman for three years at this point and the feelings didn't seem to be fading in any sense. Roman had been Virgil's light and love for three years and Virgil had yet to find something about him that made him disappointed.

Patton was nice. Kind, sweet, enthusiastic; he was Virgil's best friend. But he could also be overwhelming, overbearing, strict, and too parental. Virgil loved Patton an incredible amount, but Virgil was sometimes too fragile to be fully comfortable in his presence.

Logan was smart. He was reliable, logical, honest, and gave very good advice. He was grounding, down-to-earth, and highly intelligent. However, Logan's wonderful qualities came with a side dish of coldness, occasional detachment and insensitivity, and bluntness. While this was often fine and sometimes even refreshing, it could sometimes be hard to deal with when Virgil wasn’t prepared for it. Logan and Virgil's friendship was very close and healthy, but Virgil couldn’t often deal with him for an extended period of time when Virgil wasn’t at his best.

But Roman...

Roman was perfect.

Yes, he could be arrogant and insensitive and harsh, but none of this deterred Virgil from extended interactions with him. To him, it just completed the puzzle that was Roman.

Roman was always perfect to Virgil. No part of his personality made Virgil not want to be around him. Virgil never had to twist the image of his princely friend to make him his ideal partner in his mind. No part of Roman's personality ever made Virgil wish he wasn't in his presence. At least, not after they became friends. His "flaws" just made him a better person in Virgil's eyes.

Virgil was mean. He was sarcastic, rude, blunt, pretty dumb, and constantly anxious. He was dark and brooding and incredibly pessimistic.

Virgil was a mess.

So, he obviously wasn't telling Roman because he thought the flawless man would like him back. But if it wasn't that, what was the point?

Because there were too many sleepless nights.

Too many evenings spent drying each other's tears.

Roman was sensitive, insecure; too sensitive of the opinions of others, too dependent on their approval. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and not everyone was wary of this, causing Roman frequent pain. Virgil had spent many evenings either on his or Roman's bed, hands on his talented friend's face as his thumbs cleaned away an endless stream of tears caused by events and people that would never be worth a second of Roman's time.

Virgil was almost certain he had more shirts that had been stained by Roman's snot and wasted saltwater than he had shirts that never had been cried on.

These nights, they made Virgil want to scoop up the princelike actor and hold him closer than the boundaries of their friendship would ever permit them to and whisper sweet nothings in his ear that would mainly just remind him of how loved he was. How loved he was by Virgil.

Virgil also wanted to apologize.

A week before, he, a singer-songwriter, returned from a particularly angering meeting with his manager. Roman tried to help him and cheer him up, but instead Virgil pushed him away by saying harsh things he didn't mean.

Of course, their friendship was too important to be on hold for a whole week, so Virgil had apologized the following day, but the musician could still tell that Roman was confused and not fully over it. He was no longer angry, but the pain hadn't left completely.

But Virgil couldn't explain his anger without also explaining that he was in love with him.

Roman had just been too nice, looking too pretty, and with brown irises that somehow seemed more entrancing than normal on that night. Virgil had wanted nothing more than to drown in the stage actor's arms. Roman had suggested ice cream, a movie (at home or at the cinema), or pizza if he hadn't already had dinner. Virgil had looked at his outstretched arms with want and longing. But he knew he couldn't play, tempt, or tease his heart like so and had declined rudely, faking irritation and anger. However, now he was faced with regret.

Virgil couldn't be fully honest with Roman if he didn't tell him about his feelings for him. It had been three years, but this dance could go on no longer. It made sense that if Virgil couldn't get over the theatric man in three years, he should face rejection in the eyes so that the romantic feelings would pass quicker. He should have told him long ago, but this was a good opportunity.

Yes, it was possible for him to wait for Roman's hurt and confusion to go away, but Virgil didn't want Roman to take any more actions (like not seeking Virgil's comfort when he required it, which had happened the night before this one) that would hurt him. It wasn't like telling Roman was a new concept for Virgil to mull over. A part of him had known for a long while now that telling Roman would eventually make getting over him easier. However, the possibility of Roman being disgusted and ending their friendship wasn't low. That was the driving force of Virgil’s hesitancy to enlighten Roman of the romantic inclinations he had for him. Virgil valued Roman's friendship, and would choose his platonic presence over his absence at any second.

But he couldn't lie any longer.

Roman had gone to Patton instead of Virgil last night when he learned that his ex-boyfriend (who ended their relationship five months before) had been cheating when they were together. Roman didn't still have romantic feelings for his former flame, but knowing that he cheated hurt him. He was lied to, betrayed; there was no way to tell if his ex ever loved him. That hurts even if there's no longer romance there.

Of course, Virgil learned this from a concerned Patton and not the actor himself.

All three involved in this event were troubled. Patton, for his friends' happiness (since Virgil and Roman made each other happy), Roman because he was confused and hurt, and Virgil, who wished Roman was comfortable with him again.

Virgil figured he only had one thing to do. Confess, and end the confusion.

Confess, and possibly end their friendship forever.

Virgil wished there was another way out.

But Roman was confused, hurt, and in a bad place. Virgil had tried everything in an effort to get over Roman, but nothing worked in the slightest. The singer knew it was past time that he confess.

So he stared at Roman's contact, the handsome face of his profile picture staring back. Roman was simply 'Roman' in Virgil's phone; he didn't put any cute nicknames in case Roman saw.

He brainstormed as hard as he could for a way to tell Roman he loved him romantically.

He didn't want to be too straightforward. Saying a blunt "I am romantically in love with you" was too scary to type out and send. And, he also had a shred of decency to not say something so important through text.

What did Virgil know best? Music.

He pulled up Spotify.

He went to his music, thinking through all the love songs he'd written about and for Roman (Roman didn't know of course). Virgil had his thumb over a particularly emotional and descriptive song, but paused.

If Virgil just sent him his song, Roman would think that he wanted an opinion on it, or that Virgil was reminiscing on works past. If Virgil sent a caption saying "this was about you", then the moment would be ruined, the text would feel too real and to-the-point, and he would be undermining his efforts to not say something monumental through text. No, he had to choose a song that would leave no room for confusion and no need for clarification.

What did Roman associate Virgil with, musically?

Emo music. Panic! At The Disco. Fall Out Boy.

My Chemical Romance.

Virgil would call the last his native tongue if he were able. It felt like such, each song seeming like it came from home or somewhere similar. It made sense for Virgil to communicate with something so dear to his heart. His friends were well acquainted with his love for the band. All his close friends, at one time or another, had been interrupted by Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge when they wanted to talk to Virgil. It told them he wasn't doing too well and needed time away from people and worldly responsibilities.

Which song, was the question.

MCR didn't have too many love songs; at least, they had a much lower percentage than many other bands. Also, a lot of those songs that you thought might be romantic could easily be interpreted differently. This made it a bit difficult for Virgil to find a song by them that encompassed his emotions, announced a repeat of his apology, and was clearly romantic.

He ran through the romantic MCR songs on speed-run in his head, paying close attention to the lyrics. His mind stopped when his brain fluttered to Conventional Weapons; more specifically, The World Is Ugly. He ran through the lyrics in his head, the tone, how clear the romance was.

He couldn't help but think no song described what he was feeling more.

The love, the apologeticness, the hatred of the world. Virgil knew how evil and ugly the world was. Is. But Roman...Roman was a star, shining in complete darkness without pause. Even when day came to hide the star's light and the two weren't in the other's presence, Virgil knew he was still there. Roman’s light wasn't like the sun which could blind or burn you, but like the stars in the sky that were bright, in a place far away, and at heights Virgil could only dream of reaching.

The lyrics made it clear that Virgil was using this song to communicate something—that something being love.

His finger shakily tapped his phone, pressing the share button and clicking on Roman's contact. He bit his lip, every brain cell except the one controlling his present actions screaming at him to reconsider, to protect their friendship and his heart. But this time, he ignored his anxiety.

He pressed send.

That was it. The text was sent. All he could do now was wait or regret.

A drop of blood slid down his chin from the lip he was biting too hard.

Roman opened his text messages reflexively. Virgil had a special text tone and Roman was conditioned to get excited when he heard it. He was almost always happy when Virgil sought out his company. Virgil's communication in any form was something he saw as a treat.

Virgil's feelings were no longer a secret.

---

Now, this was where the 'almost' came in. His argument with Virgil the week before made him anxious about what the text held. Was it a confession of hatred? Worse?

The app loaded to show a link to Spotify. He raised an eyebrow, plugging in his earbuds and shifting his position on his bed. He clicked the link and put in the earbuds as the song loaded and started.

Roman, an acquaintance of the emo for over five years at this point, and a friend for four of those years, knew his fair share of MCR. No, he did not know every song they ever created, but he knew a lot. This seemed to be one of the many he'd never heard. It was titled 'The World Is Ugly', a title he found unfamiliar and unsurprising for Virgil's music taste.

It wasn't nearly as intense as the ones that prompted him to lack interest in the band. He could hear the lyrics clearly.

As he started listening to the song that was sent without a caption, he realized that Virgil must have meant this as a way to communicate something. He decided to pay close attention to the lyrics for this reason alone.

The first verse seemed to have reassuring and protective elements, and a theme of unity between two people.

The chorus came, and he couldn't help but be taken aback by "but you're beautiful to me". At first, he thought it must be something Virgil didn't mean to convey, a lyric that didn't quite fit with everything else he was trying to tell Roman.

But the second chorus came after the second verse and Roman concluded that the song was a love song. It couldn't be anything else. To Roman, "but I wanted you to know” gave off the idea that if there was anything the singer wanted the audience to know, it was the next sentence (which included the line he was so confused about earlier). His mind almost came to the conclusion Virgil was trying to tell Roman that exact sentence...when he finally noticed that the chorus contained an apology.

Virgil already apologized.

Roman considered this, but a voice in his head told him that Roman hadn't accepted his apology—and acted like he hadn't.

Patton must have told him about last night.

He almost cursed Patton in his head, but concluded that Patton was worried because Roman often went to Virgil for the kind of thing he had gone to Patton for. Patton was concerned and probably wanted to make sure the two of them were okay.

By the end of the song, Roman knew what Virgil was trying to tell him. It threw him into a trance. He knew why Virgil sent this to him, and why he was so off-putting that night.

Virgil was in love with him.

Or so it seemed.

To be honest, Roman didn't want to believe it. Virgil being in love with him changed his whole world view.

To Roman, Virgil was the moon. Roman could always reach Virgil if he so chose, but he wasn't always present in person. He shone brightly to Roman, so bright. Not a light that made Roman shy away from and curse at, but a welcomed, beautiful light that made everything better when it was the dead of night and nothing else made sense. Virgil, for all of their friendship, was so close. He was who he was closest with. But, despite this, he was just out of reach. He couldn't hold him, touch him, speak to him in all the ways he wanted to. There was a boundary between them that made it so all that Roman wanted with Virgil was more than all that he got. He had gotten used to that. The moment he realized he wanted Virgil closer than he would ever be able to have him, he knew it would never be able to happen. Virgil didn't feel the same way.

Or, he thought that, at least.

But now, Virgil was telling him through My Chemical Romance that he did, in fact, feel the same. That he didn't mean to hurt him and he was so terribly sorry. That to Virgil, Roman was the only beauty in the ugliness of the world.

How long had Virgil felt this way? He’d had many boyfriends in the time they'd known each other. Many times where Virgil saw a man and couldn't help but be gay.

Then again, so had Roman.

Roman, despite having feelings for Virgil for a long time, dated. He'd had a few boyfriends throughout the time they'd been friends, all of them mainly in an effort to get over Virgil and because Roman thought they were cute. Maybe Virgil had done the same. Or, he could have been confused.

But the song didn't sound confused.

No, Virgil likely knew very well that he was head over heels for Roman. He had sent a single song with no caption or warning beforehand. It was clear that this was something that had been coming for a long time. Virgil was likely guilty about the fight and decided to enlighten Roman of his feelings for him.

Virgil loved him. Him.

Roman couldn't help but be surprised.

If Virgil liked anyone in their friend group, he'd think it would be Patton. He and Virgil were extremely close; best friends, if you will. (Roman was occasionally jealous of this because his closest friend was Virgil, but that was a topic for another time.) Patton was kind and sweet and cute and talented. He was a fantastic person who complimented Virgil in beautiful ways.

Virgil was also one to respect a great mind. Logan seemed more likely a love interest than Roman in the actor's eyes. Smart, interesting, logical, good with Virgil's panic attacks. The two of them would make sense. But it wasn't Logan. Or Patton.

It was Roman.

If he weren’t so emotionally drained and tired, he would squeal. Virgil was in love with him. Roman, the dramatic stage actor, the man who acted almost too much like a real-life prince.

Virgil was in love with him.

How would he respond?

Roman's eyes widened and he looked back at his phone, screen now dark. He unlocked his phone and stared at his conversation with Virgil. The text had been marked as read so Virgil must have known he'd seen it. He had to figure out how to reply.

Did Virgil want something to happen between them?

Roman didn't know.

Virgil sent the message as a text and didn’t include a caption. That could have been a way to say "I'm in love with you but I don't want anything to happen", since he wasn’t actually including anything that spoke of a desire to be with Roman romantically. However, it could just be that Virgil was an extremely anxious person and didn’t think he would be able to admit his feelings during an in-person interaction. If Virgil had been harboring feelings for an extended period, then it could be hard for him to say something directly to Roman after such a long time of keeping his feelings hidden.

A part of Roman figured that Virgil wasn't thinking ahead of this moment.

Virgil, as previously described, was anxious. He didn't seem like the type to expect or have intentions for their relationship after an admission like this. Virgil was the type of person to admit to romantic feelings and then spend every second following worrying over ruined friendships, offending someone, being mocked, getting insulted, and/or his feelings not being returned.

So, Roman concluded that Virgil wasn't conveying his intentions in this text. All he was saying was that he had feelings for him. Nothing more, nothing less.

'Nothing more'. 'Nothing more'?

Roman couldn't imagine what 'more' could possibly mean.

Virgil was in love with him.

'Love'. Something that seems so simple and sweet when you first hear it described as a young child, but something that grows to be meaningful, confusing, and complicated as you start to get older. And this love...this love was life-changing.

This was a love that had been burning for who knows how long, but that could have changed anything and everything had it been revealed sooner.

How many occasions were there where could Roman have said everything on his mind and Virgil would accept it, welcoming all his feelings? How many people did Roman date to get over Virgil that he didn't have to? How many nights in front of Virgil's door did he spend considering telling Virgil everything he felt before deciding against doing so were there? How many sleepless nights spent dreaming about what it would be like to be with him romantically did he entertain? All those things he might not have experienced at the extent he did if he'd gathered and exercised the courage Virgil currently seemed to possess...

Virgil watched as the text was marked as read. No response.

He supposed it was time for some courage of his own.

---

Virgil couldn't say with honesty that he expected anything different.

Roman was this marvelous, talented actor and Virgil was so not his type...

They were friends, though, and that mattered to Virgil. Their friendship meant the world and more to him. Maybe Virgil couldn't have his heart, hand, or lips—but he felt like he was the luckiest of people to be able to say Roman held him in positive regards. Their friendship was...

...their friendship.

Something Virgil was realizing with wide eyes and a sweater-pawed hand over his open mouth was ruined.

Sure, he considered this happening earlier, but he couldn't say he fully comprehended what it meant.

Roman, the light of his life...

...gone.

Or, at least, out of his life.

Sure, it was a friendship built on the ruins of malice, originally fueled not by each other but by mutual friends, and sustained by lies and obscurances of the truth committed by Virgil in an attempt to hide his true feelings. But it was still friendship. A friendship that meant more than anything else he had. A friendship he wasn’t sure he could deal with losing.

And he’d thrown it all away in one fell swoop. No more watching Roman’s plays at the theater, no more Disney marathons to fill the days off, no more meals of Roman’s signature chicken risotto made for his or one of their friend’s birthdays. The special comfort (whether it be after a series of panic attacks or a few angering minor inconveniences), the unique understanding Roman held and the techniques he used to make Virgil feel better during those terrifyingly vulnerable nights they shared was something that Virgil treasured beyond all else but still couldn’t fully comprehend the sacrality of. Those such nights would never again come to fruition.

Virgil wanted to yell. He wanted to scream, cry, throw the empty mug sitting three feet away on his nightstand at the wall. He didn’t, though, and he knew why. He didn’t...couldn’t regret sending Roman the text. Virgil knew he had to get over him, and that he had lied for too long. Roman deserved to know, no matter the consequences. Virgil loved Roman with all his heart, so it overwhelmed him with guilt to know he lied for such a long time. Virgil had been cruel to Roman that night the week before and he deserved to know why, even if it hurt their friendship. Maybe if he didn’t send the text things would eventually return to how they were and their relationship would continue as it always had with limited emotional complications, but Virgil would have to live day-in and day-out knowing that he was keeping information from Roman that after all these years of omitting information, his friend deserved to know.

Because there were so many nights of intimacy: of sobbing into the other’s chest with the lights out, or hands of varying temperatures drying tears, or screaming about a failed romantic relationship or the tragedy of infidelity in the aforementioned—ones that were too sacred to bring up during the day, too fragile that the moments would be shattered if they were approached with the attitude the two carried during a day of normalcy. Those nights meant more to Virgil than he let on. But the days after, he couldn’t help but feel guilty—like he’d taken something he didn’t pay for. He felt romantically for someone who didn’t return the feelings, and still allowing those moments of closeness to come to be felt like he was engaging in manipulation. He couldn’t help but entertain the nagging voice in the back of his mind that was convinced he was somehow violating Roman.

At least, with things the way they were now, Virgil would no longer have to deal with the guilt.

That didn't deter his ruthless anxiety, though. His thoughts were screaming about how everything with Roman was ruined, that all his other friends would leave him too, that Virgil would be miserable forever because he had lost the light in his life who was sometimes his sole reason for going. His hands were sweating and shaking violently. His phone almost fell from his hands at the instability. It was only fair for Roman to know, but gosh, did it hurt.

He steadied the phone in his hands and stared at the screen. His conversation with Roman was on his screen, staring back at him almost teasingly, torturously. It was like the phone or the app itself knew that this would be the last time he’d look at this texting conversation as someone who was still a friend of Roman. Soon, Roman would finally reply, and sever all ties. While Virgil was usually thankful he was someone who thought of all possible outcomes to a situation so that it was rare that an event caught him by surprise, in this situation, it only made it worse. He was sure it would probably be like suffering through heartbreak twice. The prediction beforehand, and then the real thing sometime later. He was experiencing the first right now, and the second had yet to come.

He knew that Heartbreak Number Two would feel worse.

Sure, he was feeling horrible presently, but he knew that the prediction wouldn’t be like the rejection. This heartbreak started with courage, then denial, then a realization that started to make Virgil’s hands shake and his heart beat uncontrollably. However, this was also a waiting game. When would he get rejected? 

If Roman did end up waiting for a long time before delivering his rejection to Virgil, the pain would stretch out over a long time. If he waited for an extremely long time, the pain would slowly start to dull into a passive dread, with occasional spikes of anxiety. If Roman told him soon, Virgil would have less time to prepare for the rejection, so the pain would be much worse in the moment. Ultimately, the first was the worst. Extended emotional pain was not something Virgil needed, to say the least.

The text could come at any time, when it would send was not up to him. Virgil's fate and feelings were now in Roman's hands.

All Virgil wanted to do at this point was put his phone away, drench his face in ice water, and sleep for a thousand years. Neither of those things seemed to be possible, however, since Virgil could rarely seem to sleep for longer than seven hours and he currently couldn’t bring himself to put his phone down. His hands refused to let go of the instrument of his demise.

There were two warring thoughts of ‘is losing Roman really worth losing the ache in your heart?’ and ‘he deserves to know the truth’ circling in his mind. He tried to attach himself to the second thought in hopes of rationalizing losing the greatest person in his life. It was hard, though. What would Virgil do after this? Would he leave the friendship group? Or would things just be an awkward form of normal?

He was startled out of his thoughts by a quiet but concerning sound. When Virgil replayed the sound in his mind, it sounded like the clicking of a lock. The door to Virgil’s bedroom was ajar, so the door getting locked or unlocked was obviously the door to his apartment. Virgil distinctly remembered locking his front door.

Someone was breaking in.

Only four people had the keys to Virgil’s house. Virgil himself, for obvious reasons. Patton, Virgil’s best friend. That was a no-brainer; Patton and Virgil had keys to the other’s apartment because they often hung out in each other’s apartments without any warning or planning beforehand. Roman, after many instances of banging on the door at eleven at night because he had a terrible day and needed comfort but was also waking the neighbors with his loud knocking. Finally, Logan—the most recent person to receive a key (about six months back) after a harrowing experience of Virgil needing Logan’s specific comfort during a panic attack and Logan being unable to enter the apartment. Right now, it was late. Very, very late. Patton and Logan would be asleep. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t go to Virgil. He knew this. It wouldn’t be—could it be Roman?

No, no. Roman was too mad or disgusted or annoyed with him to seek his company at this late hour. Someone must have been breaking in.

The door opened. Virgil heard it; the loud creak he made sure to keep in the door’s design so he’d always be privy to an unplanned entry into his apartment. However, he soon realized he wouldn’t need that auditory warning of someone else’s presence.

He heard the footsteps.

They were fast, loud, and terrifying. What kind of burglar walks that quickly and obviously? A terrible one. Or, one confident in their ability to overpower whatever opposing forces they may meet in the home of their victim.

Virgil wanted to run to his closet and grab his broom. Truly, he did. But he was frozen in fear on his bed, phone tight in his hands, knuckles white, and eyes unblinking. He couldn’t move.

Virgil’s door was ajar. Opened enough for any unwelcome visitor to see that there was someone inside. If it was a robbery, the intruder could easily be armed and dangerous. Would Virgil die tonight?

The footsteps were approaching his room. Quickly, and without going anywhere else in the apartment. Virgil was suddenly worried that the intruder wasn’t a robber or a burglar, and instead, someone out to get him instead of his possessions. Virgil wasn’t sure if the change in his assessment of the situation scared him as much as it should have. The rapid change in train of thought from ‘Roman’ to ‘intruder’ wasn’t allowing the subsequent panic accompanying both of those thoughts to do much catching up.

The door to his room slammed open. Virgil was thrown back an inch from the force the intruder had placed on the door. This person was not concerned about noise. Virgil’s door was already ajar, why would they…

Virgil’s thoughts stopped when his eyes focused on the person now in his bedroom. His phone slipped from his fingers and onto the bed, not that Virgil cared to divert any attention to it.

Roman.

Not normal Roman, either. His eyes were wide, his hair was mussed, he was out of breath, and he was still holding the keys to Virgil’s apartment (which were on the same keyring as his car and house keys). Virgil, for all that he knew about his good friend, could not decipher the look on Roman’s face. It seemed a bit stressed, but not in a bad way. He had been running his hands through his hair, so a lot was obviously on his mind. Virgil almost wanted to say he was shocked, but it wasn’t quite like that. Almost like...he had been shocked a few minutes back and was coming to terms with what shocked him...which made sense. Virgil had told him he loved him. That must have been shocking. The lack of any other emotions like disgust or anger was what confused Virgil.

Virgil couldn’t help but be shocked too. What was Roman doing here? Virgil had confessed. Now it was time for him to hate Virgil for his feelings and ban him from the friend group.

Wait…

The keys were still in Roman’s hand. Maybe...maybe Roman was here to return Virgil’s keys. Maybe he was here to sever all ties with him. Return Virgil’s keys, take the keys to his apartment from Virgil, tell him their friendship was over…

Roman could be here to yell at him. Virgil had kept this from him for too long. Roman might have been here to scream that he deserved to know earlier. He’d be in the right, too, since Virgil agreed. One final scolding of his actions before Roman was out of his life forever.

But did those assumptions match the look on Roman’s face? Severing ties with someone you hate should have no lingering shock, and yelling should show more obvious negative emotions than Roman was currently displaying. Roman should look disgusted, irate, and probably betrayed as well. While Roman was a fantastic actor who could pull off hiding such things, Virgil didn’t think he’d try to hide emotions like that in the present situation.

Virgil was shocked too. He thought Roman would at least let some time pass before ending all pleasant connections with Virgil. He thought he’d take time to think and mull over what Virgil’s confession meant.

He hadn’t. This terrified Virgil. Had he come to a conclusion of hatred that quickly? Was Virgil that in the wrong? Virgil was mortified...what did that mean for Roman’s next actions?

But, again, Roman didn’t look angry. He had to be, Virgil knew it, but it wasn’t obvious on his features. So, that assumption couldn’t be taken as reality.

Virgil sat in awe at his current situation. Roman was here, probably to yell or scold him, but was silent so far. None of the conclusions Virgil had come to seemed to so far seemed to have enough evidential basis to be taken as truth. So, Virgil pressed pause on the speculation and let the only expression of his thoughts and emotions be surprise.

The love of his life was in his bedroom. For what? Virgil was uncertain.

They stared into each other’s eyes. Both were full of shock, just different kinds of it. Virgil was surprised Roman was in his room—not exactly a positive kind of surprise either. Roman’s shock, while clearly something that was at its climax minutes back, was still showing on his features. A type of shock that, unlike Virgil’s, was indecipherable when it came to whether it was a good shock or a bad shock.

Virgil didn’t know how long they were still and staring. It could have been fifteen seconds; it also could have been fifteen minutes. While it was probably around two minutes, time passed differently when Virgil’s green and purple eyes were locked with Roman’s brown eyes.

Virgil knew he wasn’t just showing surprise. There was no way the fear wasn’t seeping into his expression as well. He didn’t try to stop it because he knew that if he did try, he would fail. Virgil wished he knew what Roman was thinking—wished he knew whether he should be scared or not. Roman didn’t look scared, not like Virgil did. Maybe Roman hadn’t noticed. Virgil was able to tell with bitter realization that he was more scared now than when he thought there was someone in his house trying to kill him. Sure, he’d been relieved at first, but that didn’t last for more than a second. Whatever Roman was here to do seemed worse than anything a malicious stranger could potentially have in mind.

Roman finally moved. He took a step and a half towards the bed, towards Virgil.

Virgil flinched back, right arm darting behind him and holding him up in a position that made it easy for him to leap off the bed. Roman stopped his approach.

Virgil didn’t mean to flinch, but he was too deep in his surprise and fear to do anything else. When he noticed his own movement, he was overwhelmed with regret. He wanted to get this interaction over with. Creating drama by showing his current fear of Roman wasn’t going to help with that.

Roman suddenly showed emotion other than shock on his face. His eyes started to burn with sympathy and guilt, something that confused Virgil to no end. If anything, Roman should have become angrier. Why was he showing guilt at someone he should be hating?

Roman dropped his keys. The clinking that sounded as they fell on the hardwood floor didn’t elicit any reaction from either of them. They continued to keep eye contact.

After a moment free of any movement, Roman started to approach Virgil again, this time slower and much more careful, like one approaches a terrified animal in the forest. Roman was clearly a bit hurt by Virgil’s flinching, but his present focus seemed to be on the fear that Virgil would do it again—or worse, run away. His steps were slow and quiet. His posture was a bit crouched, probably as an effort to seem less threatening.

Virgil’s teeth clenched. He didn’t want to flinch again since Roman hadn’t actually done anything to imply that he would hurt Virgil, and also because flinching would only complicate things further. Nonetheless, Virgil was scared of what Roman was preparing to do. While Virgil rarely addressed it, he’d always found Roman to be scarier than the average person. He was tall, fairly muscular, and had a temper that could do some damage when Roman wanted it to. His strength was scary and his words were scarier; he reminded Virgil of Janus in that he was good at knowing precisely what to say to bring someone emotional agony. Any preparation for being hurt by Roman was useless; he knew Virgil better than Virgil would like to admit, making it that much easier for Roman to hurt him.

Roman’s left hand reached towards him. Virgil would have flinched if his hand was in a position to strike. It wasn’t, though—it was mirroring the scared animal in the forest analogy; the extended arm was almost serving as a gesture of peace, a white flag. Virgil thought that Roman was offering Virgil his hand to take and he intended to move away, but he didn’t need to. Instead, Roman’s hand gently rested on his upper right side. His eyes looked like he was asking for permission, if his touch was okay, but Virgil could not respond. His eyes stayed on him with surprise and fear.

This touch was too gentle to be malicious. That fact was clear to Virgil, so he couldn’t jump off the bed and escape without feeling guilty. Virgil didn’t necessarily want the touch either; he didn’t dislike Roman’s hand being there, but it felt wrong, like it shouldn’t be happening. And with all the common sense Virgil had, it shouldn’t. Virgil didn’t expect Roman to touch him, even after he unexpectedly broke in. But if he did, Virgil wouldn’t expect the touch to be anything but hostile. Virgil almost hoped his confusion showed in his eyes.

Roman’s right hand reached out as well. Faster than the left had, but still moving at a careful pace. This arm went around Virgil’s waist. Then, Roman started to almost pick him up and lead him to the edge of the bed. Virgil was simultaneously terrified and embarrassed at being carried, so before Roman could properly pick him up, Virgil moved himself to the edge of the bed.

Roman’s lips twisted into what looked like one of Roman’s subtle but encouraging smiles, which again bewildered Virgil. The arm around his waist retreated and rested just above Virgil’s hip. Roman guided Virgil to his feet.

Roman clearly wanted Virgil at the same level as him—standing up. Out of context, that made sense. Virgil had shown fear of Roman, so if Roman didn’t want Virgil to feel inferior at the moment, leaving him sitting wasn’t exactly a good idea. What perplexed Virgil was that in this situation, it made sense for Roman to keep a high ground and a dominating stance. He must’ve been (he had to be) mad at Virgil. Even though that conclusion was growing less and less probable through Roman’s every action, it was the only thought keeping Virgil sane.

Roman’s left hand moved from Virgil’s side to rest on his cheek. Virgil froze, thinking he was about to be hit for a split second but was again proven wrong. Roman’s thumb brushed under Virgil’s eye—Virgil would say it was loving but that was preposterous. Virgil wanted to close his eyes, to bask in the feeling of being touched like this (no one was ever this sweet and gentle with him in a manner that would be considered romantic out of context), but he was too preoccupied and scared and surprised and confused and-

“Virgil,” said Roman. It was quiet, tender, and held more love than Virgil believed to be possible. “Virgil, mi luna.”

Virgil had no idea what that meant. He didn’t think he wanted to know.

“I love you too.”

Virgil inhaled sharply. Not too loud (he didn’t want to ruin the delicacy of the moment), but it was still audible.

Roman loved him too. Roman returned his feelings.

That didn’t make sense. Not in the slightest. Roman had shown no interest; Virgil was positive there was no reciprocation of his feelings…

But that didn’t matter now. He had to reply.

He saw Roman start to move in closer, slowly, allowing Virgil time to object. Virgil didn’t, letting the gravitational pull of Roman’s lips allow Virgil to reciprocate Roman’s intentions to kiss.

“May I kiss you, moonlight?” Roman murmured.

“Yes,” whispered Virgil, voice practically silent.

Roman’s lips met his—first, a gentle and unsure brush of lips, but then a firmer and more intent kiss. It was gentle, caring, but most of all, it was full of love.

He smiled against Roman’s lips. Roman smiled too and kissed him deeper.

Virgil couldn’t say he wasn’t still baffled by everything going on in the present. That wasn’t to say he wasn’t happy about the way things turned out.

~~~ ☪ ~~~

“Earth is ugly,” said the stars to the moon. “It does not deserve your light.”

“Maybe so,” replied the moon. “But have you considered that you are too far away to see its beauty?”

~

Taglist: @somehow-i-got-an-account @justanotherhumanstuff @neo-neo-neo @fander-fic-recs

~

I know that little bit at the end is a bit extra and unnecessary, but I thought it up one time and it has some ‘deeper’ meaning I liked as well as relation to the metaphors in the story. I deeply considered not posting this one because of how different it is to the usual and the minimal dialogue, but I sent it to a beta who loved it! I’ve been stirring in the idea of Virgil confessing with this song for probably 6+ months and only decided to start writing it in October. It might be bad but I hope you enjoyed! I’ve been working on this on and off for months so I really hope it’s good.

[erekiosuncreativeideas]

So I might have an AHIT AU... [No Exit AU/Haunted House AU]

I had a thought today and I wanted to share it while it was still in its beginning. So this AU would be called “No Exit” AU, in reference to Sartre's “No Exit” (or “Huis-Clos” in French). Another nickname for this AU (more meaningful) would be the “Haunted House“ AU.

Here are some notes about this AU (I’ll draw for it when I can, I have a lot of things to design, but for now I just wanna share this idea). I’ll put it under a “read more” as this AU deals with a lot of heavy subjects, like death, suicide, murder, abuse, abusive characters, and very, very, very other creepy stuff. It’s not a horror AU, buuuut... I wanna be sure. If you think you can’t handle this, I’d suggest not to read the rest.

So... Here it is. Happy reading !

BASIC DESCRIPTION

In this AU, Hat Kid (Hathi) is a foster kid that was recently given to a new family (she’s used to being carried from one family to another). She lost her parents when she was very young so she doesn’t remember them, although she does have pictures of them. Despite being a joyful and adventurous kid, she’s lonely and hesitates on making friends, as she’s often forced to change families for a reason or another. Eventually, she can’t help but think things like : “what’s the point if I end up moving out in another town ?”

One day, as she was walking back home from school, she passes by a very old house that seems completely abandoned. Weeds are growing uncontrollably in the garden (or what’s left of it anyway), the façade is more than damaged, and so are the wood shutters. The architecture of the house seems like it belonged to the early 20th century.

Hathi’s attention is caught immediately and, deciding to delay her return home, she decides to explore a bit, even if just the exterior as the doors are most likely locked. But surprise surprise, the door is unlocked and so she decides to peek in. When entering, she’s obviously a bit frightened as she has no other light source other than her cell phone and the place is obviously creepy. As she tries to explore the place, she has to face a very, very important fact : the house is haunted. And the spirit in it does not want her inside.

As the spirit tries to make her leave, successfully scaring her to no end using telekinesis, wall-bleeding stuff, footsteps, etc, she eventually bursts out laughing : while she is terrified, she is so thrilled to know that ghosts exist (and it’s been the most exciting things she experienced in ages too). So she’s half shaking, half laughing out of nervousness, and… Well, let’s say our ghost wasn’t quite expecting that. And from then on, the ghost reveals himself to her, both frustrated and confused at her reaction and… We have the first meeting between Hathi and a very perplexed Snatcher.

Turns out the house is haunted not by one entity, but by three entities Hathi will meet in this story.

SNATCHER

Snatcher is the first she meets. At the beginning, he seems like the canonical Snatcher we have in-game, except things are a bit different. First, he’s not her contractual BFF, but since he can’t leave the house, and can’t scare her enough not to come in, well, he’s forced to endure her presence… At first, though, as they eventually bond a bit. In fact, since Hathi doesn’t feel quite at home with her new family, she spends most of her after-school time outside and, more precisely, in that haunted house. This leads to many particular situations, such as :

MOONJUMPER

Moonjumper... Is really something in this AU. First of all, Moonjumper used to be Snatcher’s brother back when they were alive, that is to say, in the early 1900s. Here, Moonjumper is a mess of jealousy and toxic clinginess. He’s locked in the attic, as a punishment inflicted by Snatcher.

To understand why he’s locked in, here’s a bit of the story regarding what happened in that house. It is loosely based on the canonical storybook, but... In a more complicated way.

Vanessa and Snatcher (Lukas, at the time, a soon-to-be lawyer) were fiancé, and were going to marry soon. They were really happy together, everything was well... But Moonjumper (Morgan Jareth, at the time, a puppet/doll maker) was deeply in love with Vanessa.

One day, after years of terrible jealousy eating him more and more, he decides to sabotage his brother’s relationship by making Vanessa believe her dear lover is cheating on her. However, while he had expected her to break her union with his brother... Something completely different happened.

Vanessa’s emotions became so intense that her powers became uncontrollable, making her lose her sanity for a while. But that while was more than enough for her to do the worst : she, just like in canon, shackled her lover in the cellar, but here, quickly killed him out of rage (contrary to the canon storybook where Snatcher is seen to wait. A lot.).

When Lukas dies in Vanessa’s hands as she regains her sanity much too late... She understands this was nothing but a lie, she understands she had been manipulated into killing her lover... And at this point, Morgan knows he fucked up, a LOT. And so, back under an uncontrollable rage, Vanessa kills Morgan before ending her own life out of despair.

And so... Being the cause of everything that happened to the trio, Moonjumper is locked in the attic. However, this is not just for the purpose of punishing him only, there are other reasons... One of them being his toxic tendency for jealousy and wish for friends, which both make him very dangerous to other people.

See, after so many years passed in complete isolation (thank you Snatcher), Moonjumper became quite touch and attention starved. The only thing he can do in this attic is to build toys (like I said earlier, he used to be a toy maker/doll maker) and take care of toys already built. His appearance is based on the first toy he designed, which has a huge sentimental value to him (then again, I’ll need to design everything, but his croissant-like face remains the same).

So, as I was saying, Moonjumper is dangerous to other people. Why ? Because once he met them... He doesn’t want them to leave. Ever. He has suffered so much of loneliness that he cannot bear the idea of losing the possibility to talk to someone again. And, well... Let’s say that after one or two kids lost their life in the house because of him, Snatcher put a lot of padlocks on the door of the attic.

As for what happened to said kids... They found another purpose, a very morbid one... And were turned into puppets, friends that would never, never leave Moonjumper... Until he was forced to realize that by doing this, he would make them absolutely lifeless, and would be alone again.

What about Hathi, then ? Well, one day, as she’s taking a nap in the living room, she dreams of coming upstairs to the attic door, hearing a lullaby calling her there... When she wakes up, she has this great fascination for what could be inside that door : this is Moonjumper trying to lure her, so they can be friends. Of course, Snatcher doesn’t let her go up there... But Hathi is a stubborn girl and will find the way to open that door, thus meeting Moonjumper. However, contrary to the other kids, Hathi has a very protective ghost watching her and all of Moonjumper’s attempts at keeping her with him or in the house remained unsuccessful, even leading to some powerful and violent fights between he and Snatcher.

In the end, Hathi will be the only one able to leave the house safely after meeting Moonjumper, who will have to learn how to deal with friends leaving him... And learning that they do come back.

Interactions between Hat Kid and Moonjumper :

And now...

VANESSA

Okay so Vanessa in this AU is, just like Moonjumper, quite a mess. She feels terrible for what she did to Snatcher, she’s haunted by what she did in her fury. Contrary to Moonjumper, Snatcher doesn’t try so hard to keep her locked somewhere (in her case, the bedroom), as she feels too guilty to face him. So she froze the door, preventing anyone from entering and looking at her.

She LOATHES Moonjumper for what happened, and you can bet that later in the story, when they actually interact, she won’t talk to him nicely. But she knows Moonjumper isn’t the only responsible for what happened : she was the one murdering both of them after all.

Her body is frozen under the bed covers, and thus is well-preserved, explaining why her ghost forms looks the most similar to her old mortal appearance (contrary to the other two, whose bodies have decomposed)

When meeting Hathi, Vanessa will try to hurt her, not bearing the idea of someone looking at her, someone seeing what she did, what she became... But she will stop right before actually hurting her : she knows that she would just repeat her old terrible mistakes. She wants to move on, but she can’t, as she still has to “live” (haha, pun) through the fact that she killed her lover and her soon-to-be step-brother.

As for Snatcher and Moonjumper, they can’t move on, as they haven’t reconciled, and honestly don’t want to move on. They bicker a lot, although Snatcher is definitely the one with the most hatred for the other.

WHY IS IT CALLED THE “NO EXIT” AU ?

Like I said, this is a reference to Sartre’s “No Exit” (”Huis-Clos” in French). Here is the summary of his play :

“The play begins with three characters who find themselves waiting in a mysterious room. It is a depiction of the afterlife in which three deceased characters are punished by being locked into a room together for eternity. It is the source of Sartre's especially famous phrase "L'enfer, c'est les autres" or "Hell is other people", a reference to Sartre's ideas about the look and the perpetual ontological struggle of being caused to see oneself as an object from the view of another consciousness.”

Here, Snatcher, Vanessa and Moonjumper are stuck in the same house and no one is truly innocent.

- Moonjumper was so jealous he lied to Vanessa and had his brother killed, even if this wasn’t what he wanted. His intentions weren’t pure to begin with.

- Vanessa killed her lover and her step brother, and while her strong emotions making her powers uncontrollable explains it, it is not justifiable.

- Snatcher locked Moonjumper away for more than a century, making him go even madder than he already was upon dying. He refuses to speak to him or forgive him (which is quite understandable, given that got him killed), but he’s not doing anything to improve or change the situation either.

Another refernce to Sartre’s “No Exit” is that, instead of reading a book called “How To Kill Kids”, Snatcher actually reads the transcription of “No Exit”. He finds the story extremely relatable and thus reads it a lot. One day, he will lend it to Hathi... Who won’t have much trouble to see why he’s so obsessed with this book.

This is all I have for now, feel free to ask questions if you have some ! I’ll answer them when I can ! (Now I have to go to bed, it’s late uuugh).

Designs will come later ! Hope you liked this AU idea so far ! More will come as I work on it !

[mysticmachmir]

Judaism, Circles, and Circle-Casting

What's the Point of a Circle?

Magical Circle Definition: A temporary space with clearly defined energetic boundaries that provides a known space for ritual, magic, or similar controlled change.

"Casting a circle allows us to create an energetic space that supports our work in the physical space we have available. Since we do our ritual in a variety of spaces, many of which spend most of their time being something else (a living room, a public park, a rented room in a friendly business or community building), we need a way to make the space stop being those things, and start being a space where ritual, magic, and transformation can happen more easily."

This is a definition from a religious witch, a priestess of a coven. Obviously, this is not Judaism or a Jewish witch. However, if we want to incorporate some type of this into our practice, we need to understand what is its purpose. Asking why we have a ritual is just as important as how to craft one genuinely. For more information on crafting Jewish ritual and researching into Jewish traditional rituals to serve your purposes, please inquire this series on Tumblr.

Magical and Mystical Circles in Judaism

The Talmud: Honi HaMe'egal

One of the most concrete examples is using a circle to invoke and demand something of G!d. Here is a summary of what he did, but the sources via Sefaria are Taanit 23a:4-Taanit 23a:5-10. 

"His surname is derived from an incident in which, according to the Babylonian Talmud, his prayer for rain was miraculously answered. On one occasion, when G!d did not send rain well into the winter (in Israel, it rains mainly in the winter), Honi drew a circle in the dust, stood inside it, and informed G!d that he would not move until it rained. When it began to drizzle, Honi told G!d that he was not satisfied and expected more rain; it then began to pour. He explained that he wanted a calm rain, at which point the rain calmed to a normal rain."

The Bible and Folkloric Uses of Circles

However, there are many times we see circles used in Judaism. In the TaNaKh, magic circles first appear in Jewish tradition in the Bible, when Joshua encircles Jericho seven times in order to collapse its walls. We also have circles during Simchat Torah, weddings, Hoshana Rabbah, and funerals. Circles are used quite a bit in Jewish ritual, whether we realize it or not.

The use of protective circles, so familiar in medieval sorcery, also starts to appear in Jewish practice. Such circles were also used to protect the birthing bed of pregnant women (Sefer ha-Chayyim 2.8). Smaller circles drawn around a wound or area of illness on a Body presumably exorcised the malaise-causing spirit. 

The book Zera Kodesh (“Holy Seed”),  written in the 16th century, describes making concentric circles on the ground (usually three or seven) with an iron blade, often with an inscription or the names of Angels added. The Baal Shem Tov once defeated a priest-witch by making a protective circle with his staff (Megillat Setarim). 

In YIVO's Folklore of Ashkenaz class, by Professor Itzik Gottesman, he discusses the different ways circles were used by Ashkenazi Jews. He discusses that "Circling [was used to] ward the demons off the body. Circling, and circles in general, have found their way into Jewish folklore in a number of ways. Circles are considered perfect shapes and have a magical power to keep away evil. … Round objects also have symbolic value. At the first meal from returning from a burial, the family is given bagels to eat. One interpretation of this is so that we remember the round cycle of life and death, and it reinforces belief in reincarnation, which has been very much part of Jewish belief in the Diaspora. The [Rabbinic] responsa also mentions other circle customs: to circle the graves with thread, which were later used as wicks and candles to be lit for the ill person in the synagogue; in order to stop the spread of swelling on the eyes, it was circled with a ring; and in order to prevent further growth of a hunchback, it was circled with the hand of a dead man."

Noam Sienna, a Jewish scholar, speaks of other minhagim: "Drawing circles is also a common practice in the Mediterranean/Sephardic Jewish world to protect birthing mothers and newborns — it’s often drawn with a special sword or knife, and participants would also themselves walk in a circle around the cradle or around the room while reciting a protective formula like Psalm 91."

In Midrash, it is written: "For the circle has no beginning and end. And regarding this pleasure the scholars of truth hinted in their midrash, "the Holy One Blessed be He will make a circle for the righteous in the World to Come."

Kabbalah

A circle represents infinity because it has no beginning or end. In Kabbalah, the samech (a letter that is an enclosed loop) represents the infinite power of the Ein Sof, G!d’s infinite light. 

This video from Chabad is about an hour-long shiur on the concept of the sacred geometry of the circle, but essentially the Rabbi discusses how the circle is the most common and natural shape in Nature that G!d has created. Pebbles, the globe, ripples of water, the cycle of time itself is the most perfect shape and represents the week, 7 days. Seven and the circle are connected, as 7 is a very important number in Judaism connected to time. I do recommend watching if you're interested in numerology, sacred geometry, and math connected to divinity.

Modern Circle-Casting Rituals

Typically, when people think of circle casting, they are called to Wicca's ritual of circle casting, calling on the archangels (which sounds extremely similar to the Jewish krias Shema  - and Wicca was invented in the 50s, so you know who took from who there), calling on the watchtowers (Book of Enoch), and etcetera. This is not a process I am necessarily interested in. Here is one take of mixing Wiccan circle-casting with Jewish and Celtic theology/elements (this person is Jewish). Note: If you are a monotheistic Jew, or otherwise don't want to "mix" your practices, I do not suggest using this example of ritual. Also, the Zohar-pentagram connection is… questionable.

There is also the circle-casting suggested from Tehomot: Jewish Witchcraft*, which I'll outline here. I prefer this one because while yes, it is connecting back to the Wiccan tradition, it is not melding much of the religious elements, and only a few ritual pieces. Instead, it incorporates a lot more Jewish ritual and connection to Hashem. If it were me, I would remove the athame aspect of it and it would align more for my needs.

Visualization of the circle as the boundary of Gan Eden:

Athame/tool - shooting out fire like the spinning blade protecting Gan Eden

Gan Eden - orientations to the east, four rivers in the garden

Instead of calling on the watchtowers, call on the names of the rivers as found in Torah

He says that the "casting of the circle brings you from Malkhut - etheric double of the physical world. You are going up the Tree of Life and the Four Worlds in circle work/spirit work - from physical to spiritual (Assiyah to Yetzirah, Malkhut to Yesod)". 

The purpose of using a circle is asking for help - from G!d, angels, guardians, to ask help to change Assiyah/Malkhut/physical realm.

How To Cast (According to Tehomot)

1. Be properly prepared. ritual for preparedness - oil/shower/ centering. Once in the circle, anointment w/ oil and/or ring a bell/musical note

2. Draw the circle - saltwater, incense, or candle

3. Corner call - the four rivers and four elements. 

4. Summoning entities to hold the corner of the circles - angels, spirits, whomever 

5. The evocation of G!d, recite psalms and say for what purpose

6. Calling on ancestors to be present

7. Magical work/ritual

8. Worship element - a prayer to G!d, offerings (kiddush)

9. Closing - release ancestors, release the corners, draw the circle backward and ground the energy

Finally, in the book Magic of the Ordinary, there is another "circle-casting" ritual that he posits is from compiling symbolism from Jewish texts in this new ritual.

Tools: Bird feather and a fallen branch found naturally. This ritual is to be performed outside as it is written in this book. It is asked that you meditation with this stick and infuse your breath into it before using it to draw the circle.

If the ritual for which you are making the circle is to heal something, undo something, process something, make space for newness in some way or another, draw the circle counter-clockwise. Walk around the circle as you are drawing it and chant (I am only writing the English, get the book for the Hebrew): "Here I am Here I am Here I am, G!d Breath, Please support me" 

(Take a Breath) "I and the Unnameable, The Infinite One So again-- I and ho, I and ho"

(Take a breath, and then louder): "I and ho I and ho Support me, Please"

Repeat as much as you need until the circle is complete. You need to draw it seven times. Then, step inside the circle and chant into the four directions: "Toward your support do I direct my hope, O G!d I direct my hope, O G!d toward your support O G!d toward your support do I direct my hope"

Take your feather and sweep it across the inside of the circle and chant: "For the sake of the unification of the Holy Blessed One be He and the Shekhinah Through this rite, done in awe and in love to join The name Yah with Wah in a complete union"

Then wave the feather to the sky in circular movements while chanting "Yah" toward the sky and downward again sweeping it across the earth chanting "Wah". Do this three times and leave your tools in the center of the circle before stepping out. The circle is finished, and you can begin any rituals  - calling forth spirits, performing ceremonies, or leading gatherings. 

(Yah and Wah are two names of G!d, riffing off the Holy Name in an acceptable way as it is not the full name. If you are uncomfortable with this, you can replace it with a name of G!d comfortable for you). 

*The person who made this podcast is an apostate and is now a Messianic Baptist. He has a post where he says that Jesus is Torah and to deny Jesus means you are denying G!d. I do not support Messianic Judaism, so I have decided not to link his work. You can still find it online, easily. This podcast is from a time where he identified as a Jewish witch and was becoming a Rabbi.

If you like my work and writings, feel free to tip me here: https://ko-fi.com/ezrasaville!

Sources:

The Jewish Myth, Magic, and Mysticism Encyclopedia by R. Geoffrey Dennis Magic of the Ordinary by R. Gershon Winkler Chabad Gleewood Sefaria Noam Sienna YIVO’s Folklore of Ashkenaz Tehomot: Jewish Witchcraft (Podcast) Liorah HaMasovevet

[joopiterjoon]

Adored and Nothing More

Pairing: YoonJin Queerplatonic

Genre: PG, Slice of Life, Fluff?

Warnings/Tags: Aro!Jin, Ace-Spectrum!Yoongi, handholding, YoonJin complaining, self-discovery

Wordcount: 3k

A/n: I wrote this based on a joke with @kpopfan-antics... and then turned it into a fic.. and made it soft because what else is new.

Part of FicsWithLuv’s FWLBingo!

“Coffee?” Yoongi’s voice draws Jin out of his intense focus on the game that’s been in his hands so long they’re cramping. Jin blinks a few times before he fully registers the small man in his doorway. He leans on Jin’s doorframe, hair a mess and hoodie on despite the summer heat. It’s a typical contrast to be seen in the apartment- Jin in his boxers and a sweatshirt while Yoongi’s bundled up head-to-toe.

The most recent apartment suits them well. In college, the soft pastels of Jin’s side seemed comedic compared to Yoongi’s all-black-or-bust space. Now, Jin’s room faces the sun, while Yoongi’s faces the adjacent apartment building. Jin can look out into the day, and Yoongi’s room is kept cool by the lack of light.

Jin gives a small smile to his roommate before heaving out of the bed for the first time all day. He groans as he stretches.

“Old man,” Yoongi teases.

“Hey, that’s rich coming from you,” Jin argues as he shucks his hoodie and pulls a shirt over his head. “An old man would wish he looked this good.”

“Well, “ Yoongi begins despite walking into the living space towards the door, “You must be that good looking old man ‘cause only old guys groan like that when they stand.”

Jin frows as he trots after Yoongi’s huddled, waddling form.

“Like this?” Jin imitates the sound again while he bends to put his shoes on. “Or this?” He does it louder with his whole chest as they head out. “Or like-”

Jin stops abruptly when he sees their neighbors in the hall, startled by Jin’s noises. His ears burn as he bows deeply. “Sorry.”

Yoongi snickers, tugging Jin along with a loose grip on his hand. Jin’s amazed that in all his layers, Yoongi’s fingers are actually cold. He grips tighter to warm them.

“Hey,” Jin pipes up as they get on the street. “An old man would never shout like that either, you know?”

Yoongi side-eyes him and pulls a baseball cap lower over his eyes. He got a haircut last week, and the hat shows off his undercut well. But Jin knows how chaotic his hair is underneath. Still, somehow Yoongi looks cute with his hair fucked up and askew. “Mhm, sure.”

Satisfied, Jin bounces along next to his roommate. It’s a nice day out, Yoongi’s favorite kind. Good weather and few people. They stay quiet, taking note of the small changes in their neighborhood since the last time they left the house. Both introverts, Jin and Yoongi make a dangerously homebound pairing. If it weren’t for Yoongi’s dire need for specialty coffee, they would barely leave the house in the summer.

They head toward the small coffee shop that Yoongi chose as “his” coffee shop. Yoongi had a tendency to do that. He picked something he liked and stuck with it. Like Jin, his eternal roommate. And seeing as Jin and Yoongi had similar preferences in activities and lifestyles, Jin became what Yoongi stuck with very often. Jin would tease him, but really, he appreciated it. He’s comfortable with Yoongi. Content. He frequently finds it hard to balance his affection and sincerity with friends, yet Yoongi has always seemed to understand how Jin works.

“Woah,” Jin says as they enter the shop. It’s almost empty. He checks the large, driftwood clock hanging in the back of the small space. “Yoongi, it’s 3 pm.”

“Correct,” Yoongi answers curtly. They shuffle between the little square tables for two and up to the front.

“Yoongi, I’ve been in bed until 3 pm?”

“Correct.”

“Why didn’t you get me sooner? I haven’t eaten all day!” Jin whines. He throws his arms up in distress and nearly knocks over the little, inconveniently empty case of muffins on the counter.

“I’m not your keeper, old man,” Yoongi retorts and smiles politely to their barista.

“Just for that comment, you have to come and get naengmyeon with me after this,” Jin sniffs. 

“Awh,” she giggles behind the counter. “You two are always cute together.”

“Oh,” Jin and Yoongi both say. They give each other an up-down, then focus on their conjoined hands. It’s not the first time they’ve been mislabeled. It’s happened so often that they know exactly what the cashier means by “cute together.”

“Oh,” the cashier repeats, covering her embarrassment. “Are you not dating?”

Both of them open their mouths to respond, but neither say anything. They just stare, blank-faced and slack-jawed, at the barista. There’s not usually a pause here. One of them is quick to correct. The pause gives way to another pause as they both consider the weight of the first.

“I don’t think so,” Jin finally says.

“No,” Yoongi says more firmly yet still too late.

“No?” Jin’s a bit offended at how assured Yoongi sounded.

“Did you think we were?” Yoongi curls his lip in frustration. “You just said you don’t think so.”

“Yeah,” Jin agrees, his ears tinting pink. Sure, he doesn’t. But…

Are we dating? It’s a question that’s made Jin nervous his whole life. He always gets close, closer, closest to people. He feels happy, content to have someone close who knows him and values his presence. But, then, there’s always that “next step” others ask for. Something he never recognizes is there until after he confronts these kinds of situations. Situations like romance. Where someone wants him in a way that implies so much more than what he wants. The awkward moments when someone leans in for a kiss and Jin has to say explain there’s been a miscommunication. 

He never thinks they’re dating. He doesn’t feel a need to date, or what people mean by date. He just likes to be close to people he cares for. Jin’s thought about it many times. Why what he wants exudes wanting more to others when he likes what they have.

He thought Yoongi felt the same. Years and years of closeness.Someone who felt good to cuddle when they watched a movie. Someone who he could always talk to. Someone who never made him worried he might want more, that something people want that Jin just doesn’t. And now... “I thought you might think that we might be what we aren’t.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“So you do?”

Yoongi’s lip curls in confusion. “No?”

Yoongi blinks a few times, pout prominent as he becomes confused. “No what?”

They both let out a frustrated sigh. At this point, the barista slinks away to make their drinks, the slightest bit guilty for whatever she just caused. Jin turns to face Yoongi. Yoongi’s slouched against the counter, nonchalant, but his eyes dart between Jin’s trying to read him. Jin asks again, “Are we dating?”

“I don’t know,” Yoongi says, rubbing at his other arm since he can’t cross them as long as they are holding hands. He finally looks away, and Jin’s heart jumps a bit at the nerves he’s showing. “You tell me.”

“I think…” Jin startles a bit at the sound of the latte machine. He hopes for a reprieve, the noise too loud for them to keep talking, but he doesn’t get that. The quartet of grinding beans and pressurized air quickly ends. Maybe it’s a sign to keep going. He really doesn’t want to do this in a coffee shop, but… “I think sometimes we are.”

Yoongi sighs again, but he doesn’t look back up, just waves Jin off. “Well, tell me when sometimes turns to a definitive.” 

“Nah,” Jin says, shaking his head, “I like how things are. Can we just keep doing this?”

“Alright then,” Yoongi nods. He drags them down to the open side of the counter as the barista cups their drinks. “Still want to go to dinner?”

“As a non-date date?” Jin asks, perking up. Whatever doing this is. That is a date usually, but it’s not a date for them.

“Jesus,” Yoongi crinkles his nose. “If that’s a date, we’ve been dating for years.”

“Maybe we have,” Jin says, blinking a few times. Maybe he’s right. If this is what they want to call it, it’s been a while. An apologetic barista slides two coffees across the counter as the two stand in silence for a moment. “That would be ideal. But I thought we weren’t-”

“Do not start this again,” Yoongi cuts him off and turns to find a table.

Jin doesn’t. He sits with Yoongi while he drinks his coffee. They check the weather to search for a time to go camping. They’ve tried to plan a trip three times this summer. Jin loves camping with Yoongi.

Late at night when they wait for the coals to cool in the fire, Yoongi talks the most. He talks about the world more when he’s not really in it. Being deep in the woods can feel like being in a different world. Jin likes taking Yoongi camping to help him gain perspective and for them to be out but with no one around. And on those trips, Jin’s thought about it. How if he had to be stuck with one person forever, it would be Yoongi. 

They toss their drinks and head back out. It’s quiet again as Jin follows the GPS on his phone. He tries to focus, but now there’s an idea in the back of his head. Is it this easy? Is this… okay? Is Yoongi going to want more? He’s never wanted more all this time. Jin’s sure he doesn’t want more.

Finally, after they get to the restaurant and order their food, Jin can’t take it anymore. He talks to Yoongi about anything and everything directly. He can talk about this. They are eternal roommates. It’ll be fine. They already addressed it before. Just not as much as he wanted.

Still, he can’t find an in, a moment to clear the air. So he gives up distracting himself, which seems to be what Yoongi’s doing because he won’t put his phone down.

“Why are you on your phone?” Jin asks.

“Googling us,” Yoongi says. He misses his straw a few times while he keeps reading.

Jin blushes. “Look, if anything strange comes up about a GoFundMe from 2012-”

“That’s not what I mean,” Yoongi says, crunching on an ice cube. “It’s called Queerplatonic.”

“That wasn’t the name of my GoFundMe but it’s kind of close.”

“I don’t want to know,” Yoongi says. “This. The thing we do. Are doing. Think we might… nevermind.”

Yoongi huffs out his frustration and flips his phone over on the table. Jin leans over the rickety bar table toward his pouty roommate. At this point, Jin had half a mind that what happened before was a joke for the barista. Now he finds out Yoongi’s been pondering the same thing in his head all afternoon. “Yoongi, you do want to date me, don’t you?”

Yoongi grumbles incoherently as he scratches at his ear. Jin leans back in his seat with a sigh. Ah. “I’m telling you, it’s fine. Everyone wants to date me. And apparently everyone thinks I want to date them. You are not immune.”

Yoongi’s head pops up, irritated as usual by Jin’s ego, and reminds him, “Earlier you literally said you’d be fine dating me.”

“I’m fine non-dating dating you,” Jin says.

“Queerplatonic,” Yoongi clarifies, waving the phone.

“Give me that,” Jin takes the phone from Yoongi. It’s some stylized Wiki page. He glances up at Yoongi, ears a bit pink. “You’re sitting here deciphering us without including me?”

“You’d talk so much I wouldn’t be able to read,” Yoongi shrugs. “Plus, I’ve seen you staring at my nonstop. I know you are thinking about the same shit over there.”

“You say that like you don’t talk all the time,” Jin pauses to nod in thanks to the waiter who sets their beers on the table. Jin drinks a bit more than he should off the bat. “You even talk in your sleep!”

Yoongi petulantly purses his lips. “If you aren’t going to read, give me my phone back.”

Jin leans back with the phone close to his chest and reads through the article. As he goes, he feels tension in his shoulders unwinding. 

What he’s reading in his hands, this is him. Moreover, it’s what he and Yoongi have. And some people, apparently, are okay staying this way.

“Yoongi,” Jin breathes, scrolling further. Yoongi doesn’t answer, he just keeps eating and watching Jin’s face nervously. “Is this… I think I’m this.”

“What is this? There’s like, 20 definitions on that site,” Yoongi gripes.

“I don’t know… something on this?” Jin says, scrolling again.

When he hears Yoongi put his beer down, he glances up. Yoongi’s hand is out on the table, palm up, inviting. Jin takes it hesitantly. He’s always liked holding Yoongi’s hand. There’s nothing implied. Nothing extra expected. Just touching someone. He takes it.

“Are you telling me you’ve never considered your sexuality?” Yoongi asks, wiping his mouth. Jin glances around at the other tables chattering and laughing over assortments of comfort food. No one’s really paying them much mind.

“Um, I mean, I guess I thought this wasn’t a sexuality? More of a libido thing. Not for me. I still like sex and stuff, but maybe every other month?” Jin trails off. Honestly, it’s something he’s tried to ignore thinking about.

“Well, I don’t really,” Yoongi says bluntly. 

“Why didn’t you say something?” Jin asks.

“I did,” Yoongi tries to sound nonchalant, but he hides behind his beer.

“When?” Jin asks, exasperated.

“Do you remember when we were watching that Avengers movie that made no sense?”

“Yoongi, for the millionth time, you can’t just choose to watch Civil War without watching any of the other--”

“That’s not the point,” Yoongi groans over Jin until he stops talking. “We were sitting there. Just chilling. And I said I liked this. And you said you, too. And then you held my hand, and I... leaned my head on your shoulder and shit.”

“That was…” Jin rubs his chin. “That was a confession?”

“I mean,” Yoongi shrugs, but he looks a bit annoyed.

“Oh.”

“I was pretty sure you were aromantic,” Yoongi continues, “or at least something of the sort. I mean, didn’t you google it?”

“I don’t google this stuff, I just deal with it,” Jin scoffs, but he feels his ears burning. He glances at Yoongi’s phone again. Aromanticism (or aromanticity) is an orientation in which someone does not experience romantic attraction. Aromanticism is often confused for asexuality, but asexuality is only a lack of sexual attraction. Not all asexuals are aromantic, nor are all aromantics asexual**. That.

He reads it aloud. “I think that’s me. Like, maybe both. But not all the time? But most of the time.”

“Okay, well, that’s cool,” Yoongi says. Simple. The simpleness of it all almost makes Jin urge to create something more. Not exactly drama. But now he’s finally talking about it, he wants to know a bit more. Especially now that he knows he and Yoongi have been on different pages about who they were to each other for almost a year. And he’s a bit overwhelmed with the fact that what Yoongi wants is to just stay how they are. It’s a bit too surreal to be reality.

Jin chews on his lip. “Do you like me?”

“I don’t like anyone,” Yoongi clarifies. He fumbles with his words a bit, frowning while he gets his thoughts together. He settles with, “But you’re okay.”

“No, I mean,” Jin takes a deep breath in. He laughs nervously. “Isn’t it scary? It feels like… I’m broken. Like I’m supposed to like you more than I do or in some, I don’t know, some other way I can’t fathom?” Jin chuckles nervously. He inhales the salty air mixed with the familiar smell of burning grease. “I didn’t expect to admit something is wrong with me and my dick at a dive restaurant.”

“Nothing is fuckin’ wrong with you,” Yoongi squeezes his hand. Jin glances away at the small compliment, which sounded more like a command. It makes him flustered. “First of all, I’m disappointed you are falling into the ploy of a nuclear family or some shit. The idea of some kind of ideal romantic relationship is commercialized and definitely benefits the economy. The entire dating culture. Don’t even get me started on gifts.”

“I already know how you feel about gifts,” Jin cuts in.

“Exactly, you know me, and I like to think I know you,” Yoongi says, his voice getting quiet at the end. Jin glances up to see something rare. Dusted pink chubby cheeks. He wants to pinch them, fidgeting in his seat.

“Jin, I like being with you, if that’s what you mean,” Yoongi sighs. “I like that we can just be us. I like doing things with you. I don’t want to put a label on it, just like I don’t want to put a label on myself. But the whole romantic thing? Not me. What we have? That fits me. I want to keep doing that. Do you want to keep doing that?”

Jin nods immediately. Yes, yes he does. He loves doing things with Yoongi. “But aren’t we supposed to do more? Get somewhere with it? I don’t know, profess our love?”

Yoongi drops back in his chair with a groan. “Jin, we aren’t supposed to anything. We can do what we want. Tell me what you want. You be you. I’ll be me. We always speak our minds, right? We just be ourselves. Talk to each other. Be, uh, together.”

Yoongi’s words start to drown into the sound of the restaurant, his palm sweaty in Jin’s. Jin smiles softly. He’s nervous. Cute. “Wow, I’m the worst. Here you are having to guide me through all this.”

“You are the worst,” Yoongi agrees. “I can deal with that, though.”

“Okay,” Jin says. He inhales and lets out a shaky breath. “Yeah, um. This is what I want. What I like. What we’re, you know, doing. Coffee and eating and living.”

Yoongi nods. “Alright. That wasn’t so bad. Now let’s eat and go stargazing or some other shit. The weather’s too nice to go home yet.”

Jin smiles softly. The food comes to the table and they both separate, picking up their chopsticks, and dig in. It’s easy. Comfortable. Content.

**This information came from this website [the website will be here in a bit. Tumblr is flagging posts with links so i’m waiting a bit before inserting it]

© July 2020 JoopiterJoon. Protected by Creative Commons. If you repost my work in any form or say “credit to author” I will find you and ruin you :D

Characters only borrow name and likeness from the members. Do not copy, translate, repost, or reuse this work.

[savannahstanfield27]

Retrospective on Huey Laforet and Firo Prochainezo

Hey all, 

So this is going to be a digression on why I believe that Huey and Firo are the dual main characters of Baccano, and also describing their similarities and differences. This is just my opinion of course, I bet everyone has different interpretations of who the main character is. 

Nevertheless, this is going to be very long, so I’m going to include a cut so that I don’t take up a ton of space on anyone’s dash. Warning for spoilers for the entire series (anime/light novels/light novel/drama cd/etc) throughout this post.

Primary Point 

Firo and Huey are two very important characters in the world of Baccano. Firo, a member of the Martillo Family, and Huey, immortal terrorist and scientist. If it weren’t for the additions of the 1700′s and 2000′s arcs I wouldn’t have come to this conclusion, but they only solidified my point. To me, the story of Baccano exists to tell the story of Huey and Firo, how they grow as people, how they struggle, and how their interactions with other characters changes them. 

I won’t go into detail on each and every interaction they have, if you’ve watched the show or read the novels, you most likely already grasp what I’m saying. I’m going to focus on Huey’s relationships with Monica and Elmer, and Firo’s relationships to the Martillo Family, Ennis, and the Gandors/Claire. They interact with most of the characters in the novels at some point, but I believe these are the most significant to their character development, 

Firo and Huey are sometimes two sides of the same coin, sometimes they’re complete opposites. I intend to explore these points in this post. 

Adolescent Years

Alright, so first I’d like to start off talking in length about Firo and Huey’s adolescence. Huey presumably loses his father at a young age, there is not a lot of development on that front. His mother is executed by drowning in front of him. This obviously takes a toll on Huey, as by his mother he was described as “innocent” prior to this incident. Firo, on the other hand, describes never knowing his father as he died before he was born. Firo’s mother dies of tuberculosis before he reaches 10 years of age

In Huey’s case, he develops a hatred for the world around him and he desires the destruction of it. He copes with his loss by being consumed by anger and negative emotions. Huey is taken in by Dalton and he becomes an alchemist. You could call this a “found family,” but Huey doesn’t have much of a connection to them. The other students in the alchemy class gossip about him, and Huey puts on fake airs to seem well adjusted. 

Huey does eventually gain a core group of friends: Monica and later Elmer. You could add Niki to this list as she is also part of the group but she was always an outlier to me. Huey never opened up to her. He tries to keep Monica away from him and reacts to Elmer’s kindness with open hatred. However, he eventually grows to trust them and they are the two people he is about to rely on and feel compassion for. They form the Mask Makers, an organization specializing in illegal activity. I prefer to call this Huey’s “found family,” rather than Dalton and the other alchemists. 

Now let’s discuss Firo. He lives only to survive after his mother’s death, pick-pocketing on the streets of Manhattan. I’ll be discussing his relationship with the Gandors and Claire at length later, so I will not include it here. We haven’t been given a lot of information on how Firo copes with his Mother’s death, that I can find. Please enlighten me if you know and I’ll edit the post with your contribution. 

Firo eventually is taken in by the Martillo family. You could say Maiza is like an older brother figure to him, and the Don Martillo a father figure. They are also an illegal organization, and they make Firo feel welcome and needed. Rather than pushing away from those who care about him, like Huey, he embraces those who care about him. Firo is someone who yearns to belong. Firo spends a lot of his childhood comparing himself to his friends, but I will be taking that into account in a different section. 

While Huey and Firo grow up in similar situations, it is the result of what happens after that changes them. They both find a core group of people to support them. In Firo’s case, he retains many feelings of inferiority but he continues to become his own person, relying well on his family and friends. Huey is only willing to open up to a few people, and after Monica is taken from him, he loses any interest in opening himself up again. Firo grows forward as a person, yet Huey regresses backwards. 

Feelings on Death

I’ve already described how Huey coped with his mother’s death, but now I’d like to talk about Monica. Monica was Huey’s lover, whom he finally was able to open up to after so long. Her death caused him to shut down as a person. He is not the same man after he returns to Lotto Valentino. That emotional void in him is the only way he can cope with her death, as well as striving to complete his fruitless goal of meeting with her again. He feels guilt towards both of these deaths, as he describes to Victor in 1931. 

Sometimes, when Huey thinks of his happier memories with his lost family, his face seems to brighten and open up a little. He quickly shuts that down in favor of treating the situation like an experiment. He even ponders to Victor in 1931 about if there is a scientific way to discover which is his worst memory. He copes by not coping in the slightest. (Because of this, I both yearn and fear for his reaction to meeting Luchino hopefully in 2003)

Huey seems unfazed by his own possible death. The only time I can find him actually voicing an opinion about it is when Firo attacks him in 1934. He doesn’t seem to possess fear or regret, only interest in his lack of foresight that this might occur. 

Firo has not had to cope with much death in his life. Many of his friends are immortal, as well as his Martillo family. However, the outlier here is Claire Stanfield. Claire has always been the person Firo saw as above him, and in 1936 he stops to ponder on what would happen if Claire died. Claire will die eventually. Firo knows he is going to have to cope with that. The thought makes his chest tighten, and he decides not to think about it, because he cannot imagine a world that Claire is not in. 

Firo deals with his anxieties about death by feeling denial here. He decides he just won’t think about it. On his own death, in 1934, Ladd Russo acknowledges with glee that Firo still fears his own death, he does not view himself as an invincible and strong being. 

Both Huey and Firo possess equally bad coping mechanisms when it comes to losing their loved ones. They both choose to deny and forget. Huey becomes obsessed with the denial, spending his entire life trying to gain the knowledge to meet Monica again. This causes his subsequent emotional detachment, and lack of interest in his own possible death. Firo, on the other hand, possesses immortality but still fears his own death. When thinking on the possible deaths of others, he prefers to put it out of his mind. 

Feelings on Love

In regards to love, Huey runs from it and struggles to embrace it. I’m speaking in a romantic sense, I should preface. Huey finds it difficult to comprehend that he might have some sort of feelings for Monica. He can’t fathom that someone managed to make an impression on him. He tries desperately to run from this feeling and deny it, but eventually he ends his struggles and embraces his love for Monica. 

With familial love, Huey does not feel any of it. He does not value his daughters in an emotional way. They are merely tools for him to achieve his goals. He will tell them anything, especially in Leeza’s case, in order to appease them or to make them more loyal to him. Chane and Leeza possess complete and utter loyalty and devotion towards Huey, but he does not return it. (on that note i’d love to do a future post on Hilton and her relationships with Chane and Huey)

Firo runs towards love. He sees Ennis and immediately becomes infatuated enough to follow her. He falls hard and fast. There is no denial on his part. Firo finds it easy to open up to people, as a social being, but he does struggle to speak his feelings to Ennis. It did take fifty years for them to get married after all. Though he has embraced his love for Ennis, Firo finds it hard to tell her, and instead shows it by all the things he does for her. 

With familial love, Firo has a fierce loyalty to the Martillo family. They are “home” to him. Especially in regards to Maiza, who can be seen as an older brother figure, he is completely loyal. This can be compared to his relationship to the Gandors, three brothers who shared the same apartment building with him in his childhood. He cares for them enough to help them, a rival family, in 1927. His loyalty to the Martillos only swells when Molsa praises him for helping his “family.”

I also think it’s a great parallel of Melvi Dormentaire kidnapping Ennis and the 1700′s Dormentaires holding Monica. They are both on a boat after all. Both Huey and Firo experience helplessness when they realize what has happened to the women they love. However, they immediately jump right on track to figuring out how to save her. This is a great example of Firo expressing guilt. He often feels down when he cannot help those he cares about, like he failed them. Huey is the same way about the situation with Monica. He was so close...and then he lost her..

Relationships with Close Friends

I’m going to focus on Huey’s relationships with Elmer and Fermet. In regards to Elmer, Huey views him as his one true friend. Though in his youth, he hated Elmer and tried to stay away from him, they eventually became friends and Huey was able to open up to him. Even without seeing him for 300 years, Huey still thinks about Elmer and keeps his promises to him. This is why Huey does not hurt “innocents,” because it would make Elmer sad. 

Huey often references Elmer and his worldviews during conversation, which causes him to actually express emotion. Elmer managed to touch Huey as a person and this deeply affects him as a person. Both Huey and Elmer can relate on both an emotional and intellectual level, they understand each other well even in their youth. 

I’m not sure how well this point will come across to everyone, but I’ve always viewed Fermet as Huey’s “Claire,” in regards to Firo. Fermet is also an intellectual genius. He is the person who managed to take everything away from Huey, for seemingly no reason. However, they manage to collaborate on their research later on. This is merely my personal interpretation, but I believe that Huey does have a slight inferiority complex in regards to Fermet, and that he does not like having to rely on the same person who took everything from him for help with research. I’d love to hear anyone else’s opinion on this!

Firo possesses a deep inferiority complex when it comes to the Gandors and Claire. He has always viewed them as one step ahead of him. Especially in the case of Claire, Firo views him as successful in regards to his confidence in love and in his own abilities. Firo compares himself to Claire throughout his life, almost treating him like an idol or mentor at times. He feels insecure, such as in 1927, when Claire’s own abilities surpass his. He does not like to feel useless or unneeded. 

In regards to the Gandors, specifically in the case of Luck, Firo views him as the perfect “gangster” and as someone who has always been ahead of him. Compared to the Gandors, he sees himself as the inferior child. Luck is not that much older than Firo, but he possesses much more emotional maturity and restraint, something Firo finds it hard to come to terms with at times. 

Firo idolizes the “true mafioso” figure and he wants to be like that, which is how he views the Gandors as. Many of his friendships stem from insecurity and inferiority. He wants to make it on his own, without having to rely on his family (The Gandors). 

Personality

In his youth, Huey was much less reckless. He proceeded with caution and did not like to get involved in most situations. This is demonstrated when he decides to ignore Niki being attacked in Lotto Valentino. He is forced by the situation to fight the attackers, but it is implied that he doesn’t possess much strength or technique on the subject of fighting physically. 

(I will add that Huey is noted as looking feminine by various characters such as Elmer, but it does not seem to faze him that much)

Huey has an enthralling personality as he ages. He is manipulative by nature and will stoop to any level to get what he wants. He tends to speak in a detached manner, but outwardly he is very pleasant and polite (similar to his facade from his youth). His manipulative techniques have caused many people to fall victim to his spell, increasing his amount of subordinates and allies. 

Huey’s primary goal is to meet Monica again, and to obtain the knowledge to do such. He lives by researching and doing experiments, learning more about humans and why they do what they do. He views humans as “raw materials,” and their only use to him is to further his experiments. Huey is a very detached person from the world. 

Firo is extremely reckless throughout his life. There are many examples one could place here: pick pocketing a Mafia Executive as a child, following Ennis, rescuing Barnes, etc. Firo is always ready to jump into the situation at hand. He is friendly and sociable, but can be very irritable and negative when the mood strikes him. His sharp temper and bluntness do mellow with age, but they are at their worst in the early 1930′s. 

Firo has many issues with femininity and his “babyface,” which most likely stem from a childhood incident in which he was kidnapped and mistaken for a young girl. He is insecure about this and will strike back at anyone who messes with him for it, except for Claire. 

Firo is not outwardly manipulative and cruel, but gaining the trust and help of others does come easy to him. In 2002, Ennis says this on Firo: “ Firo was really very good at getting people to do what he wanted without telling them the important things. Actually, to be precise, he was good at making them want to help him.” 

Firo and Huey both possess the type of personalities that make it easy to manipulate others, whether knowingly or unknowingly. They make others want to believe them and help them out. Firo is much more blunt and emotional than Huey in the 1900′s, but I do find 1700′s Huey quite similar to Firo, especially in his emotional angry outbursts to Elmer. 

Relationship to Knowledge/ Meeting in 1934/35

Huey’s relationship to knowledge is simple, he wants to know more in order to keep his promise with Monica. Huey views himself as a scientist and as a researcher. He pursues knowledge and wishes to obtain it. When he meets Firo in 1934, he questions him about having all the knowledge that Szilard has accumulated. He wonders if that changes the subject as a person. Huey is greatly intrigued by the ways that other people act. 

Firo never finished school, and he does not consider himself intellectually smart. After devouring Szilard he is consumed with memories of many alchemists, and a vast amount of knowledge is now at his disposal. He grows worried that the memories will consume him and that he will become just as bad as Szilard. He fears the knowledge that he possesses, preferring not to look into it. He doesn’t seem to understand why it interests Huey so much. 

Their meeting, first in 1934, astounded me when I first read it. The way Firo reacted to Huey was much like how Huey reacted to Elmer (this is a digression...) They are two characters who grew through similar circumstances, one becoming more of a person, one becoming less of a person. Firo runs from knowledge, Huey yearns for it. Firo embraces the love and support of others, Huey uses it for his own needs. But they both retain that key element of living and dying for someone else. 

Huey is living to find Monica. Firo is living for his Family. Both possess flaws and strengths. As for their meeting in 1935, we don’t know the full details yet but I cannot wait to find out what they were cooking up behind closed doors. 

Conclusion

I fully believe that Huey and Firo were destined to be the main characters of Baccano. Their stories grow and change as they interact with others and are affected by them. Think back on Maiza’s quote “maybe every encounter is some sort of miracle in it’s own way.” Huey and Firo change throughout every single arc, for better or for worse. 

The 1700′s arc is about Huey’s adolescence, and about how he loses his humanity because of tragedy. But we are also able to see how he was once a much different man, and his personal relationships with the few he decides to let in. 

The 1930′s arc presents Firo, someone who is neither destined to be hero nor villain. His inferiority complex clashes with his deep need to help those he cares about. With every interaction- Ennis, Czes, Maiza, Christopher, Isaac and Miria, Melvi- he grows as a person. He learns and develops. Huey has regressed in the 1930′s, and we are seeing how he coped with the events of the 1700′s. And everything comes to a head when they meet in 1934, and when the tragedy of Monica’s capture seems to repeat itself in 1935. 

The 2000′s arc shows a much more refined Firo. He’s retained many of his good qualities from his adolescence, but he has grown to be much more kind and understanding. Of course, he worries (”can i really be a family man?”) he messes up, he acts reckless even. But he has matured into someone who his friends and family can be proud of. He should be proud of himself. I’ll leave my thoughts on 2000′s Huey for when 2003: epilogue is released. 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my ramblings. I’ve been a fan for a long time, but with no outlet to share these thoughts other than my dear friends, so it feels nice to let them out once in a while. 

[powerovernothing]

A winter's wind blows over rooftops, and the surrounding walls of the city of Bruma, and a fresh layer of snow slowly falls over the mountain peaks, and steadily blankets the dirt roads leading into the nearest forests, and upwards towards the temple of Cloud Ruler. And within the protective, hidden walls of one of the Blades oldest fortresses in the province of Cyrodiil, Lucien Lachance can easily feel the growing tension swirling in the air around him, even before it dares to come and darken his doorstep. From where he sits at his desk within his quarters upon the highest level of the temple, he can easily hear the distressing commotion brewing just beneath his feet. He is able to make out the heated words being spoken; the hushed, awkward apologies when a lull finally takes place, and the uncomfortable sighs as one party leaves the room below, and the sound of approaching -- stomping -- footfalls reach his ears, and then pass by his sliding door.

Lowering his quill over his, only partially completed, assignment report, he leans back into his chair and lets out a heavy sigh of his very own.

He had assumed, once he learned of his Silencer's valiant return with the supposed golden armor of Tiber Septim -- or whatever senseless nonsense Jauffre and the Blades prattled on about that he had barely paid any amount of heed to -- that Martin would surely usher Korbin from the main hall, and then tend to any and all injuries he may have sustained during such a difficult journey.

But to be able to clearly hear both of his younger siblings argue with one another from an entire floor above and know that a considerable strain was being formed as he sat and merely did nothing... it was utterly strange to his ears. Strange, and incredibly off putting.

Out of all of them within their chosen family, it was his Silencer and his Light Brother that were the ones who rarely came at odds with each other.

But of course, considering the lives they led, and their given places in the ongoing Crisis, there were bound to be instances where one would disagree with the other, or the occasional moments of wounded pride... but to know that they were actively arguing, and one had now stepped away to place distance between the other... he knew very well that he needed to act.

That he had to do something to end this madness before it was allowed to continue, or worse yet, before it somehow escalated into something far more unbearable.

Rising from his seat, he quickly makes his way out of the room and into the hallway, just in time to see the back of Martin's robing as he disappears into his own chambers and shuts the door behind him. Glancing over his shoulder, curious to know whether or not the youngest would soon to follow along after him to try and make amends for whatever it is that had happened, Lucien does not wait for a proper answer, and simply chooses to follow in Martin's shadow. To try and make sense of the situation they were now -- all three of them -- seemingly trapped within.

Reaching out, he carefully opens the door, and watches as Martin paces in place for several moments, rather oblivious to his presence, and then ultimately settles upon the surface of his bed with a deep groan.

Only when he has quieted, does Lucien dare to breech the silence. "...Is there something you wish to discuss, Septim?" He asks carefully, keeping his voice low and even. "If there is something on your mind, you very well that I am here to listen -- if you shall only let me."

Martin looks up suddenly at his voice, and yet when he realizes that it is only Lucien that has followed after him, he relaxes ever so slightly. Yet even still, the Assassin can clearly see the obvious signs of fatigue, as well as frustration etched deeply over his features.

Martin slowly shakes his head to Lucien's questioning, not at all aware of the fact that concern has spread over his own -- something of which Lucien is quite thankful of.

"No, there is nothing that I wish to discuss, not truly," Martin replies in a somewhat breathless whisper; his hands clutched tightly into white knuckled fists. "It is merely the..."

"--The state of Korbin's injuries that is troubling you?" Lucien interjects; finishing Martin's unspoken thoughts for him from where he had trailed off halfheartedly. "Admittedly, I saw very little before you all but commanded Korbin to march to his room... but from what I did, I do not believe his wounds were at all a cause for great concern. Especially not within your own capable healing hands."

"It is not merely the matter of Korbin being hurt, Lucien," Martin says with a shrug as he pulls himself up from his bedside and returns to his prior pacing as he seeks to somehow make his brother understand. "While yes, it is indeed partially to blame for my current state of being, it is more so everything else that has happened that is causing me such grief."

Lucien raises an eyebrow to his words. "Everything else?" He repeats curiously. Making his way into the room at last, he holds out his hands to Martin, and considers whether he should allow his brother to continue pacing about almost unending, or simply force him to stop in place and actually focus.

"Whatever do you mean by that?"

In the end, Lucien does not have a chance to make either choice, as Martin comes to stop in the middle of the room himself.

"...Would you not rather see how Korbin is fairing, Lucien?" Martin mutters through a quiet, almost saddened whisper that catches Lucien by surprise; his face intentionally hidden from his brother as he speaks. "After all, I am certain he would value your presence at his side, and it would be far better use of your time than simply staying here, and listening to my irrational ramblings..."

Lucien lightly scoffs and walks forward to place a gentle hand over Martin's shoulder. "You know very well that I would not have asked if something was amiss, if I did not wish to ease the weight upon your shoulders," He tells him with a faint grin over his lips, and waits until Martin actively turns to glance at him, before speaking once more.

"Thus, with that in mind, I do believe you should take this opportunity to explain to me what it is that seems to be frustrating you so"--Lucien turns on his heel, and points a finger as sets upon the edge of the bed where Martin once was--"And I do hope you shall be nothing but completely honest, and spare no details from me."

Martin watches as Lucien leaves his side and takes his place on the bed. As he does, Martin's shoulders slump, and he runs a heavy hand over his face with a grumbled breath.

"...By the Divines themselves, I do not know where to even begin..."

"I believe you have already answered your own question, Martin. Begin, of course, with the beginning, so that I may understand the source of such emotion and hope to somehow spare you any further irritation."

Martin barks an almost bitter laugh in response. "As such such a thing is so easy!" Another sigh then escapes him, and a hand rises to rub over his temple. "...But, very well. Perhaps the source of all of this is because of the mere fact that, time and again, our brother willingly ventures out on these precarious, even life-threatening assignments, and denies -- or even outright refuses -- aid of any kind!"

Lucien watches as Martin fumes -- and quite literally at that, as the Assassin notices genuine smoke beginning to rise off the Septim Heir's shoulders the more he loses himself to the call of his pent-up anger -- and chooses to remain respectfully silent.

Knowing all too well that near to anything that he sought to say in such a moment would only fuel his brother's blazing fire, instead of dousing it as Lucien would actually want. And so, he sits, and waits, and listens, and simply hopes that such flames will dissipate with time as Martin continues to work through his ire.

"You know as well as I that he all but forbids you, of all people, from accompanying him," Martin explains as he circles around the bed, and back again several times in a row. "Somehow under the foolish assumption that you would be better suited at my side, protecting me from every known threat than at his own in the field of battle!"

He pauses, and then turns to speak to Lucien directly as a deep red flush in his cheeks. "Does he not realize that here, in the Bruma mountains, I am at my safest? What possible threat is there to be concerned over, other than a scratch occurring in training, or falling asleep at my desk at strange hours of the night due to research?" A familiar sadness overtakes his words. "What truly frightens him so that we could not somehow face it together?"

Lucien sighs, as he listens intently to every word that Martin speaks, and slowly comes to the realization that not only is what he is saying undoubtedly the truth -- as his Silencer had indeed acted in such a way in regards to the self-proclaimed 'solo missions' that he had taken upon himself even before this hunt for some sort of 'holy relic of Septim's long past', and been a cause of great concern every time he all but slammed the door in his face on his way out of the temple in a near frantic rush -- but that he also readily agrees with every word just as well.

There had been countless times that Korbin's obvious lack of self-preservation had made his heart ache with deep pain whensoever he teetered on the edge of death itself upon coming back to their makeshift home, and while he knew very well that Martin surely felt the same at the unimaginable thought of losing Korbin -- especially to this damnable Crisis -- he would have never realized that his brother's emotions would have ran so deep, or felt so incredibly similar to his own thoughts on the matter.

"And to see him return to us... bruised, battered, and half alive," Martin continues on; resisting the growing urge to reach for his locks of auburn hair, and run his fingers through it as his emotions rage. "And worse yet! Knowing that he shall always play off such horrific injuries with an ill-timed joke, as if his suffering does not matter..."

Lucien watches as Martin wraps his arms around himself. "As if, somehow, he himself, matters so much less than the task at hand. That he believes the supposed mission is the only thing that is truly important... not at all understanding that each time he does such a thing, each time that he believes as much... that it slowly breaks us in two, and... and..."

As Martin words trail, and his feelings threaten to engulf him completely, Lucien slowly reaches out and grasps his closest hand in an attempt to ground him, and comfort his brother somehow...and yet, even despite the open show of affection, Martin backs away from his offered touch, and willingly succumbs to the overpowering waves surrounding his heart.

"And that is not what destroys me the most out of all of this," He manages through a painful breath; tears filling in the corners of his eyes. "It is in the understanding that makes this so utterly unbearable. Realizing that the only reason he does this... that he does any of this -- putting himself at risk, braving the depths of the worst Oblivion has to offer to the world, shrugging off every wound with a lighthearted smile, and reassurance that he should not even be speaking, when it is us that should be comforting him in such an aftermath -- is because--"

"--Because you require numerous items so that you might finally translates that deplorable Daedric book you keep within your possession, and open the Portal to those Mythic Dawn bastard's Paradise," Lucien suddenly interrupts; speaking for the first time he placed himself upon the bed, and catching Martin considerably off guard in the process.

"Is that not what you were just about to say, my brother?" He prompts somewhat carefully. "That what makes this hardest is knowing that Korbin is, essentially, doing all of this on your behalf? That he persists despite the obvious risk to his life, that he dares to venture into those fiery depths, time and again, paying no need to our worried outcries, and simply follows your every task with a smile... because he knows how important this crusade is to you, as well as how important ending the Crisis is for us, and many others?"

Lucien pauses as his words hang in the air, and then softens his tone of voice. "Is that, truly, what is bothering you the most out of all of this?"

The air in the room falls stagnant as Lucien speaks his peace. The only sound to be heard being the occasional breaths from either of the brothers, and the familiar thumping of approaching footsteps. At such a noise, Lucien grimaces inwardly; knowing that any interruptions at this point would do just as much damage as if he had thought to speak up before Martin reached the conclusion to all his rambling.

It would only cause more damage, and possibly even throw Martin further into his own fragile mind, and Lucien genuinely worries for his Light Brother's wellbeing if such a thing were to come to pass.

And yet, before he has an opportunity to prepare an angry, furious string of words for whatever nonsense Jauffre or his foolish Blades would want from Martin -- now, of all Sithis-cursed times -- it is, in fact, Martin's own voice that pulls him from his thoughts, and back into the moment at hand.

"...You are right; you are absolutely right," He says; answering Lucien's previous question. His words are spoken quietly at first, and Lucien opens his mouth to soothe him, but is soon silenced as Martin's voice shifts, and his words turn to almost frantic shouting.

"That is what makes this so hard, and by the grace of Akatosh, if there was some other way -- any other way, so that he might simply remain safe, without willingly following my word without question, without daring to dance with death with every battle fought with the Mythic Dawn and Oblivion itself, without any of this nightmare resting upon our shoulders every time he leaves our side -- then you know I would do it in less than a single heartbeat!"

Martin gestures wildly as tears begin to spill down his cheeks. "Because knowing that I am the one sending him out into danger, knowing that I am putting him at risk at all... you simply do not understand the sheer extent of the horrors I face in my own mind, as I mull over every possible what if, Lucien!"

"Oh, my dear brother, I do understand," Lucien explains to him, grasping onto the brief silence and readily filling it as Martin reaches to wipe at the tears in his eyes. "I understand more than you might realize, for such unbelievable horrors linger within my own mind every moment that passes by and he has not returned to me from some task I appointed to him just as well."

"Then you surely know how often I am brought to my knees by the endless wondering!"  Martin cries out; his fingers intertwining together, as his hands tremble. "Wondering just how much more he is capable of enduring until it becomes too much for his body and spirit to bear! Terrified in wondering if the very next time I ask of him something, even the simplest, most innocent task, he is too gravely injured for me to save his life before he fades completely. Or, the one thing that utterly shatters me, the thought of him not returning at all, and having to live with the heartbreaking guilt in knowing that I sent my very own little brother to his dea --"

Martin’s words are suddenly cut off, as he begins to waver slightly on his feet partway through his unfinished, near hysterical screaming. And in that same instant, Lucien is quickly at his side; attempting to keep him from stumbling down to the hardwood floor below them in a collective heap.

"By the Dread Father himself, Martin! Are you all right?!" Lucien hisses; one hand around Martin's shoulders, as the other latches tightly onto his nearest wrist. "Come here and sit at once, before you collapse."

Martin shakes his head in response; trying -- to absolutely no avail -- to somehow pry himself out of Lucien's iron-clad grip. "N-No... no, brother, I am--" He struggles to explain; his face paling from the mere effort of speaking. "I am... all right. I simply--"

"Do not think to lie to me, Septim," Lucien warns through a harsh whisper, as he leads him back to the bedside. "I have never witnessed you in such a state, and if your health is being compromised in the same way as Korbin's, then you shall--"

"--If you simply allow me to explain," Martin quickly, or as quickly as he can manage, interrupts Lucien’s words. Finally pulling himself free of his grasp at last and being rewarded with a furious glare in return. "Then I could tell you this is only the result of expending far too much power while healing our brother's wounds, and nothing more."

Lucien's glare turns to genuine bewilderment. "...What are you talking about?" He asks; only to then growl under his breath as he, once again, hears the sound of approaching footfalls edging just outside Martin's door... that soon shifts to worry as he comes to recognize such familiar steps, and realizes that they did not belong to neither Blade nor Grandmaster.

A bead of sweat falls down his face, and he quickly flickers a look of concern towards Martin. In the hopes that he would somehow notice and stop himself before speaking anything further.

Unfortunately, it goes completely unseen. "Such a thing is actually quite the common occurrence whenever I choose to summon forth my inner Light to heal Korbin of his injuries, Lucien," Martin begins to explain; blissfully unaware of Lucien's sudden change, or the sound directly behind him.

"Especially so when they are as grave as the ones he earned after returning from the excursion within Sancre Tor. It is a considerably draining feat, and one of the many reasons why you have not seen me like this before now -- as I do my very best to shield if from your eyes, as well as his -- and why I speak truly when I say that it is no cause for any concern."

"Ma-Martin, that is quite enough..." Lucien struggles to halt Martin's unneeded explanation; desperate to stop him before he can say the wrong word that the wrong ears may hear by mistake, and cause an already impossibly difficult situation to obtain irrefutable damage on top of everything else. "I... do believe that you should--"

And yet, much like his concerned look, his pleading falls completely upon deaf ears as Martin feels determined to soothe -- what he simply believes to be -- Lucien's worry for his own wellbeing.

"I realize this can be quite shocking at first, but it is really nothing to trouble yourself with," He says with a faint smile. "As you can so clearly see, I am already feeling far better, and the only reason you saw me in such a state to begin with is because caring for Korbin in moments such as this... well, it can be so incredibly tiring at times."

The sudden sound of a harsh slap resounds and echoes throughout the room as Lucien's palm connects painfully with his forehead upon hearing what it is that Martin so foolishly chose to say -- in this moment, of all possible moments -- and acting as though he had somehow accomplished a good deed in the process.

Breathing through his frustration, he runs a careful a hand over his face in an attempt to compose himself, but when his eyes open and he notices the one who now stands in the frame of the sliding door... his prior frustration at Martin's sheer ignorance becomes a more genuine rage.

"...Martin, you absolute imbecile!" Lucien cries out; allowing himself to fall into his own waves of anger and caring very little for what Martin may think of what he speaks, or how. "You would do well to silence yourself at once, before you say anything more that would destroy--"

"--Silence myself?" Martin repeats as confusion overtakes his eyes. "Why do you wish for me to be silent, now of all times? Did you not ask me to be honest with you from the very beginning? To hide nothing so that you might somehow ease the burden from my shoulders? And that is precisely what I have been doing! Explaining to you everything that I feel, as well as attempting to reassure you so that you will not worry about my wellbeing as you would Korbin's!"

"Yes, Martin, I realize that, and I did indeed ask of you to say all of that and more, yet--"

"--And now, somehow, you are upset with the words that I am telling you?" Martin promptly cuts Lucien off before he can complete his sentence. "To the point that you wish for me to... what? Simply stand around, and do nothing? To say nothing?"

He crosses his arms over his chest, and sighs deeply. "Lachance, please... I know this evening has been difficult for all of us, but you must somehow make up your mind, and explain to me what it is you actually want, as I surely have no possible idea what--"

One of Lucien's hands come to cup over Martin's lips, and a deep red blaze in the Assassin's dark gaze. "Dammit, Septim, that is not at all the point here!" He shouts; attempting to pull Martin away from the door, and back towards the bed. "It is not as though I wish for you to be silent in regards to what you are feeling on the matter which came before, it is simply that you have lost yourself to your own uncontrollable emotions, and you do not realize the extent of the damage you are doing because of them!"

"Uncontrollable emotions?!" Martin quickly pulls out of Lucien's grasp; stumbling slightly and staring at him with a flash of hurt. "So now my emotions are somehow uncontrollable? I thought you wished to help me, brother! That you wished to know the reason why I was so upset with what transpired between myself and Korbin. Why I was brought close to my limit with the choices he made while locating the armor of Tiber Septim! Yet, now you have begun to personally insult me for how I am feeling?!"

Lucien claps his hands together, and his words return to their desperate tone of voice. "Martin, you do not understand!" He exclaims almost frantically. "If for once in your life, you will only listen to me when I am speaking to you, then you will surely come to realize--"

"I will realize what, Lucien!? That I will come to realize what?!"

Lucien sighs deeply, somewhat saddened, and sidesteps away from Martin; gesturing towards the open door. "...That you would then come to realize that we are, in fact, not alone."

Martin pauses at Lucien's strangely emotional words, hardly expecting such a thing after his show of remarkable anger, and slowly adjusts his gaze to where he had gestured over his shoulder.

Mentally wondering to himself just what in all of the Divines themselves his brother may have have meant by not being alone, and if one of the Blades had somehow rushed into the room in the midst of their heated argument. Fearful for their lives at the noise that they may have heard in passing, and suddenly feels as though he was pierced in the chest by a barbed weapon when he finds himself staring -- not into the eyes of a friendly Blade, or even Jauffre himself -- but into a pair of familiar golden eyes instead.

His stomach twists, a wave of nausea threatening to overtake his every sense, and he quickly spins on his heel... only to see Korbin standing in the middle of his door, looking as though he, too, had been pierced by the very same metaphorical weapon, but so much more deeply.

Martin can see his shoulders beginning to tremble, he can see him fighting off the urge to raise his hands over his shoulders, or even to bury them underneath his grey locks, and his eyes... dear Akatosh, his eyes. The eyes that would normally hold a playful innocence, look at Martin with deep betrayal as their natural light dulls to nothingness.

As though every possible fear his younger brother may have had, may have carried throughout the course of their time knowing one another... had suddenly, and horrifically came true in one single instant.

And he looks so much older than Martin knows him then. He looks as though he had aged ten years within the span of several seconds, and the strength in Martin's knees begin to give away as he backs up against Lucien to try and keep himself from crumbling.

The color drains from his face as he realizes what it is that Korbin may have heard as he came to locate him, what he may have thought as he bore witness to his own screaming, frustrated remarks, and how he may have taken it without knowing that he surely did not mean it.

But he said the words, he spoke them candidly -- to Lucien, of all people, instead of Korbin himself -- and he feels as though he is no more than three inches tall underneath his brother's broken expression.

"Kor-Korbin, I--" Martin begins to say; stammering considerably as he tries to find the words need, the strength needed. And yet, underneath those faded, almost emptied eyes of his brother, he feels himself incapable of speaking anything more than merely the most foolish of question. "H-How long... how long have you... have you been standing... there?"

"Oh, quite long enough it seems," Korbin says after a moment of extended silence; his words just unemotional and as dull as his eyes. "You see, I was actually coming to speak with you. To try and apologize for all the worry that I caused because of my recklessness, as well as everything that led to you leaving my side in a huff after you healed my wounds... but I can so plainly see that it was obviously a waste of my time."

Martin shakes his head as tears begin to fill in his eyes and blur his vision. "No, no, Korbin... little brother, lis-listen to me..."

"I never actually realized that caring for me was, in fact, such an incredible weight upon your shoulders, Martin," Korbin tells him with a saddened smile, and the faintest of chuckles escaping past his lips.

"But I should have, shouldn't I? After all, I knew too well that you often worried -- to the point of breaking -- whenever I ventured out on missions for you, or for Lucien, and then subsequently returned to the temple injured in a way that you were not prepared for... but I would have never thought, would have never even guessed that your grievances truly ran so deep..."

"Korbin, no, you don't -- you don't understand, I didn't mean it like that, I didn't mean it at all, I just..." Martin moves forward, extending his hand out to Korbin in an attempt to latch onto him, to try and comfort him, to help him to understand.

But the youngest among them simply backs away, as his smile spreads more painfully over his lips.

"Well then, if that is truly how you feel about the situation," Korbin says to Martin; seemingly unfazed by his words, or perhaps simply no longer caring. "How you feel about me, then I will be certain to do whatever is within my power to spare you of any further burden regarding myself and my wellbeing in the future."

Korbin then turns on his heel, leaving Martin's room, and making his way down the stairs that connects to the rest of the temple. In the very instant he is gone, completely out of view of both elder brothers, Martin feels as though his heart is shattering into a thousand pieces at his feet, and as though he surely has made the worst possible mistake of his entire thirty seven years of life.

And Lucien feels very much the same. "...Do you see now why I attempted to silence you before you dug yourself into an even dipper grave than you already were in?"

"But I didn't... that isn't what I meant, I simply-- " Martin continues to stammer pitifully as his words remain fragmented, and incomplete; after a moment, he shakes his head, and turns to look at the Assassin with a deep level of remorse in his tear stained eyes. "Lucien, you know... you know that I would never--"

"Yes, I realize that," Lucien sighs deeply; pressing a hand to Martin's shoulder. "But Korbin does not, and that is why you must rectify your terrible mistake at once."

"But... but how? What should I... what should I do to even begin to repair this?"

"Chase him before he leaves the temple grounds," Lucien explains simply. "For, if I know my Silencer well enough, that is exactly what he is in the process of doing whilst we merely linger in place. Attempting to put as much distance between himself and you as he possibly is able. Thus, you must find him, stop him, and allow him to know what you actually meant by your words in whatever way you deem most appropriate."

He pulls his hand away, and then gestures towards the door once more. "And it would be best if you hurried."

=====

Rushing out of the double doors of Cloud Ruler, Korbin makes his way towards the main gates of the temple that connects with the nearest mountain surrounding the Bruma forests. With every step forward, it is accompanied with an equally pained groan as his hands ball themselves into fists, and slam into the sides of his head.

Tears sting painfully in his eyes, and he pulls lightly on his hair as he descends past the courtyard and towards the first of two stone staircases; all the while seemingly blaming himself for what transpired, for what happened, as he mutters harshly under his breath.

"For the love of Sithis himself, I know, I know!" Korbin then shouts to the snow and the wind surrounding him; fully unaware of Martin’s presence at his heels, or the words that the Septim Heir speaks in an attempt to gain his brother’s attention somehow. "I know I should have realized something like this would happen eventually! I know I should have prepared myself for it! I know it shouldn't surprise me, considering everything that I’ve done! Just shut up, just bloody shut up! I don't need you to rub it in, and somehow make it worse!"

"Korbin!" Comes Martin’s voice at his back; and as Korbin begins to still, coming to stand momentarily in place -- once more pulling at his hair, and nearly ripping out strands of it as he continues to whisper angry words to himself -- Martin takes the given opportunity to finally close the distance between them as he reaches out to grab a fistful of his brother’s armor. "Korbin, please! You must stop trying to avoid me! Stop trying to leave my side, and simply listen for one single instance as I explain myself!"

Korbin pulls away from Martin’s touch, and from it he feels a wave of anger -- at himself, not at Korbin, absolutely not at Korbin -- for failing to pull him closer to his side, or into his arms, or even so much as getting him to turn around and face him directly.

"I know what you may be feeling," Martin explains carefully. "I know very well that you are undoubtedly upset, that you are angry, as well as hurt for what you heard me speak to Lucien so openly, but... but you aren't understanding the truth of the matter! The meaning behind my words, and that what you heard is not at all what you think, or what you may fear!"

Halfway down the remainder of the stone staircase, Korbin finally comes to a complete stop upon one of the lowest steps. Whatever attempts that he made to flee from both the temple and Martin had seemingly come to a sudden, and abrupt end. Whatever furious words that he spoke to himself, blamed himself over, had now been silenced by Martin’s own emotional outcry.

And after a moment of sheer nothingness but the sound of the chilling wind howling between them, Korbin finally speaks in a low, gruff whisper; his tone both fractured, and pained.

"Is anything that you have ever said to me... " He begins to say; his voice cracking slightly. "Anything that you ever told me in our most quiet of moments shared together... was any of it even remotely true? Or have you been lying from the very beginning?"

Martin blinks; taken aback. "...What?"

"You told me once that you cared about me, that you loved me as your sibling," Korbin turns around, and stares at Martin as tears quickly spill down his cheeks. "That I would never have to...have to second guess myself, because you always assured me that, no matter what came our why, no matter what may end up happening, I was always going to be worthy of your affection..."

Korbin allows his words to trail, and then laughs bitterly.

"Oh, do not tell me that you have somehow forgotten such sentimental claims?" He asks accusingly. "You told me after the failed mission with the spies nestled within the city, and yet... in the very moment you choose to leave my side, to speak privately to Lucien behind closed doors over what happened in the mission, of the mistakes I have deeply shamed you with... you readily admit that caring for me is incredibly tiring!"

"...Brother, no; that isn’t--"

"Meaning, obviously, that I am somehow a... a hassle? Or perhaps even a burden, if you prefer that word over the former?" Korbin walks closer; watching Martin backs up as he does. "So, tell me! What is really the truth, Septim?! Should I have even bothered becoming close with you, after all this time? Was it simply just a waste, when in reality you despised me all along?!"

Korbin’s voice raises in volume, as well as heartbreak; closing the distance between him and Martin and staring him down.

"What was the breaking point, I wonder? The fact that I am an Assassin? The way that I end lives as a chosen profession? The overwhelming bloodlust associated with it? Or perhaps it is the fact that a bastard heir of a dead Emperor cannot dare to be seen with a worthless heap abandoned upon the streets? Just admit it to my face, then!" He shoves Martin back, and his tears fall more heavily.

"If you truly hate me, then just say it directly instead of stating it in secret! Confirm every fear that I have always had, and I will leave your side for good!"

Martin stumbles from the force of Korbin's sudden push, and struggles to maintain both his physical, and mental balance. Uncertain if he should simply allow Korbin to work through his sorrow, his genuine pain over what he did, over what he caused without his intervention, or... if he should instead stand his ground against every false accusation that his brother throws angrily with an unflinching, uncharacteristic stoic expression, and only choose to speak once Korbin had successfully tired himself.

He does not have a chance to decide on either choice presented to him, for as collides into the nearest wall, a look of anger marred by a faint glow of gold shines in his eyes, and he loses control of himself -- for the third time that evening -- before his mind can tell him to simply be silent and not somehow make the same mistake twice.

"How, in the names of all the known Divines, could you possibly believe that I could ever hate you?!" Martin screams without realizing, and flinches when he hears how sharp his voice sounds in his own ears. He does not make an effort to quell his anger, even despite every part of him begging for him to understand that what he is doing could possibly push Korbin further away than he already was.

"How can you even stand in front of me and think there would ever come a time where I would somehow see you in any other way than I always have?! Do you not realize the extent of your own worth in my eyes?! Do you not understand just how much I care for you, and how..."

Martin looks away from Korbin for a moment and struggles desperately to collect his thoughts. Tears fill in his eyes just as they once had, he feels his throat tightening from the words that go temporarily unspoken, and throughout it all... Korbin only watches him with a careful gaze.

Uncertain how to feel about what is now happening around him, uncertain where all of these frantic words are going, and if it will somehow end up as it had before. Part of him wants to turn around and be ignorant. To pretend he does not hear anything that Martin is saying. That nothing he would say would make this right, and yet still he continues to remain in place.

He doesn't know if he is simply waiting for the moment for Martin to set aside all the lies, all the anger, and simply admit -- once and for all -- that he does indeed hate him, or if he is waiting for him to finish so that they can might say their final goodbyes to one another.

With a shake of his head, and a quiet laugh, he goes to open his mouth -- to tell Martin to hurry up and get this over with -- and when he does... he sees the hurt in his brother's eyes. The very same hurt that he wore when he realized that he had been listening to his hidden truth in the hallway all along, and that only triples Korbin's confusion.

Martin moves closer and touches a hand to Korbin's shoulder. "...Do you truly not realize how thankful I am for you? For being in my life, and for... genuinely saving me?" Korbin opens his mouth to speak, to accuse him of deceit, but Martin quickly hushes him.

"Korbin... you came into my life in the very moment in which I lost faith of everything I once sought to understand. When you and Lachance stood before me in that ruined chapel in Kvatch, you... you smiled at me, told me that you were there to save my life, and... I could have never understood just how truthful such words would actually become."

"...All I did was pull you out of rubble, and close a Gate of Oblivion, I didn't--"

"You did far more than you could have ever realized. Not only did you save me from the hordes of Oblivion itself, but you..." Martin's words catch in his throat, and he swallows heavily. If there was a time to be overwhelmed, and to try and hide away... it was surely not this moment. Not now. Not when he was so desperate to make Korbin understand.

Breathing in, he continues on. "You gave me purpose. You gave me a genuine reason to keep going, to keep fighting, to search for the light of a new dawn -- when everything would be all right -- when everything up until such a point told me to simply lay down and accept what had happened. That I had failed, that the Divines themselves abandoned me, that I lost everything that I cared for once again... and yet, you pulled me up. You brought me out of the darkness of my own mind, and in return..."

Korbin shakes his head; adverting his gaze and looking at every other possible thing instead of Martin’s face. "...Martin, stop. It’s all right, and you don’t have to keep--"

"--And in return... you wanted nothing more than friendship, kinship," Martin laughs tearfully as a smile spreads over his lips; not at all allowing Korbin to somehow believe the doubt that was steadily creeping deeper into his mind. "You took me aside, you called me brother, when you hardly had any reason to do so. You did not know me, not truly; you did not know of my past, or the things I had done, the people I had lost, and yet it surely did not matter in your eyes... because through it all, you still stood beside me. You still protected me. Against the Daedra, against myself..."

He sighs and places his hand against Korbin's cheek. "And yet, somehow... you truly have the gall to believe that I... could ever hate you?"

"But I heard you," Korbin explains through a whisper; pulling back from Martin's touch, and finally finding the courage to look at him. "...I heard what you said to Lachance about me. Over how caring for me was tiring, that it was an incredibly draining feat, that you had to hide your frustrations, and I was --"

"Oh, my dearest brother," Martin interjects softly; effectively cutting Korbin off before he has a chance to suffocate within his own self-loathing. "You misheard me. You misunderstood my words completely. As I only meant that it was tiring to use such powerful healing spells on your numerous injuries. That the use of my inner Light was what was draining, and I hid it from Lucien’s eyes to spare him of the worry he would have seeing me in such a state."

And then it is Korbin's eyes that widen, and blink in surprise to what he is hearing. "...Wa-Wait... what...?"

"It was not that you, yourself, was tiring, Korbin. For I would never think that towards you. Not even with my dying breath," Martin runs a hand through Korbin's messy grey locks. "You spoke of our conversation when you were ambushed by Mankar Camoran's spies upon the journey back to Cloud Ruler Temple, and yet it seems as though you failed to remember the strain such healing had on my body at the time."

He watches a frown touch Korbin’s lips as he struggles to think back. "I can easily understand how you would assume my words to be something born of the darkest nightmares that plague you during the longest nights," He tells him; his voice somewhat cautious as he treads over a difficult subject. "But I swear to you... that is all I meant by what I said. That such spell casting was deeply tiring and caused my body to be drained. Nothing more than that; I give you my absolute word."

Korbin remains silent for an extended moment. Still looking at his brother with genuine shock. Martin takes such a sight as a means to continue on; smiling more softly, and slightly more playfully.

"However, you should know that, yes, it is indeed quite a trial to look after you, time and again. Especially when you are wounded so often, and so recklessly--"

"Aha! So, you do admit it! Meaning that part of your words held some manner of truth, after all!"

Martin sighs, and pulls Korbin into a sudden, tender embrace. "...Korbin, the only reason I say this at all, is because of what seeing you so close to death has on my own wellbeing." He presses a gentle kiss to the side of his head. "Do you not understand how much it pains me to even consider the thought of losing you? Of losing the one I so openly consider my beloved younger brother?"

"But you... I thought --" Korbin stammers; unable to piece together coherent words as he tries to make sense of everything Martin is telling him. He had thought that the conversation would go one way -- one terrible, awful way -- and yet, it went in a direction that he was not prepared for.

He is uncertain how to handle the genuine emotion, the genuine affection, and in the end, he simply buries himself into Martin's embrace, and allows himself to cry.

"Answer me honestly now, brother; please," Martin whispers into his ear, still holding him tightly in his arms. "Do you truly believe I could ever possibly hate you in any way? That I could ever come to view our time spent throughout these many long months anything other than a constant source of joy, and reassurance in my life?"

"...But you sounded so furious before."

"Frustrated; not furious," Martin corrects gently. "And that was only because when you first returned, and then collapsed in my arms with so many open wounds, I truly thought that you were mere moments away from fading completely. I thought that I was too late, and thus it took every amount of strength that I still had within me to keep myself together long enough to actually save your life."

Korbin slowly pulls back with a familiar frown. "...So, you were angry with the fact that I was injured, and not...actually with me overall?" He asks him nervously. "Even despite how you shouted me back into consciousness and then basically drug me up the stairs to my room by my ear?"

"Well yes; that is exactly what it was, Korbin, " Martin says with a faint laugh. "And I am sorry for shouting at you, although I’m certain you now know the reason why I did."

"I do, but... just to be sure. You don't -- actually hate me, or regret choosing to care for me in any way?" Korbin stares down at his feet as they shuffle against the snow caked along the surface of the stairs as the second question falls from his lips.

"...Is that what you truly fear coming to pass?" Martin paraphrases Lucien’s own words.

And Korbin slowly nods. "...Part of it, but there is so much more that I fear other than simply --" His words are cut off abruptly, as Martin moves in to wrap his arms tightly back around his brother in a show of reassurance as the chill of the cold continues to whip at their backs.

At the sudden touch, Korbin loses control of himself completely, and instantly clings onto his brother as though he is surely the only thing keeping him together in this ever changing, ever worrying, almost intolerable world that they live in.

"I promise you, there is not a single moment where you have been at my side that I have felt any regret over," Martin says after a moment; pulling back, and smiling. "You are my brother, Korbin; and I love you dearly. I could never even consider hating you, no matter what it is that you do in this life, or the next."

Korbin chuckles tiredly and gives Martin a half grin. The natural playfulness had returned only slightly, and yet it still contained everything that Martin knew all too well. He shakes his head in amusement, thankful for seeing even a hint of the brother that he knew and points a finger accusingly.

"However, that was not at all an open invitation to experiment with the limits of my patience, I will have you know."

Korbin's chuckling turns to genuine laughter at Martin's mischievous words -- those of which he would be more than excited to test when this day was over, and the anger had faded with the setting sun -- and he carefully wraps an arm around his brother as the two of them begin to make their way back up the stone stairs, and towards the main entrance to the temple where Lucien was waiting for them in the distance.

"Ah, you take the fun out of almost everything, Septim."

Once they catch Lucien's ever watchful gaze, and the Assassin greets them with a gentle smile -- obviously pleased with the outcome that both of his younger siblings were more than capable of finding on their own with only the slightest push in the proper direction by his own hands -- Martin suddenly sighs and leans more heavily within Korbin's half embrace.

Korbin turns his head at the sound, and Martin smiles. "Even after all this time, I truly do not understand how Lachance does it..."

"Does... what, exactly?" Korbin asks; eyebrow raised.

"Makes situations such as this look positively like child's play," Martin explains with a shake of his head. "Is there perhaps something that I have missed? Some clever word, or secret tome, or even some special power that would effectively grant to me the mastery that our brother has over these sorts of moments in our life together?"

Korbin laughs; sounding far more genuine than he had been in hours. "Well, I'm not quite sure, Martin!" He says with another grin. "I mean... yes, Lucien has quite the talent for moments like this; there is truly no doubt about that, but I don't think it has anything to do with some sort of magical power! It would make sense if there was, but I think..." His words trail slightly, and when Martin cranes his head to meet his gaze, Korbin’s grin then spreads from ear to ear. "Well, I simply believe that after so long, and how many times he has had to pull us both back from the darkest depths of ourselves, that it is just a natural talent brought on from a near endless amount of patience, and practice."

"Oh, is that so true?" Martin matches Korbin's laughter. "Well, here is another question, then! Do you believe that it would be possible to learn such a skill? Or that he could train me if I so asked?"

"Perhaps!" Korbin cheerfully replies; gesturing towards the open temple doors that Lucien had disappeared into once he witnessed them smiling and sharing a laugh. "And if you do, then perhaps you will end up honing such a skill far more easily than you have your numerous Assassin training!"

Martin's laughter fades to a low chuckle, reaching up and ruffling Korbin's hair as they walk into the temple together. "I shall have you know that such training is coming along swimmingly, and there have been quite many times where I have nearly caught Lucien completely by surprise with my ability in the art of stealth."

"Now I know that you are lying, Septim!" Korbin ducks under Martin's hand and rushes forward to escape his sudden onslaught of playfully unwanted affection. "You being able to get the jump on Lucien when I, myself, could never?! Nothing more than absolute lies!"

He waves a dismissive hand. "But regardless of such – oh-so obvious – lies, I do so wonder what is it we should call this brand-new training regimen for the both of you? Every good means of training should have a proper title, as you should surely know! Brother protection, perhaps? Korbin defense 101?"

"I'm quite fond of the latter myself, I do admit."

"Ah, as am I!" Korbin nods almost proudly. "Let us go and locate our wayward shadowy sibling at once and ask his opinion on such things!"

Martin smiles warmly. "After you, dear brother."

And as the familiar twinkling fully returns to Korbin’s eyes, he then quickly turns on his heel. Dashing away from the main hall and making his way towards the staircase leading to the higher rooms within the temple walls with a boyish laugh -- as well as a impish taunt in the hopes that Martin would willingly follow after him with similar speed in a sudden, impromptu game of chase to see who would be able to reach Lucien's room before the other.

Martin watches him go with a gentle, content chuckle at the absolutely wonderful sight before him. Signifying that things had returned to reality normalcy once again -- or rather to their own personal definition of such a word -- and then he slowly breathes in… before accepting his brother's given challenge and tailing along after him in all too pleased bliss.

[enigma-im]

Kindle Unlimited Recommendation

Dark Planet Warriors Series

Warning: Gore, violence, some situation of wrongful touching

Summary:

8 stories. The series begins with a bug infestation on the mining station outside of earth. A species called Kordolians are there to be the exterminators. After a meeting with a strange human our primary story kicks off while the bug story plays in background in some stories while being the main focus for several books. The consistent story for the other 8 books is a romance between the aliens and humans that results in a war for purity.

Person thoughts:

Great fuckin series. Almost every book has a different couple with only the very first couple being the focus several other times. First book is fantastic, especially the first sex scene. Its so good. The next few focus on the bug infestation till its dealt with then it gets back to the war. Don't skip them though, Riker is a treat that deserves to be acknowledged. My favorite one of this amazing series is Infinity's Embrace. That book has some dope characters. Electric Heart is my least favorite because it's like a real bad Watch Dogs (video game).

Rating: 9/10

Books:

Dark Planet Warriors

Dark planet Falling

Into the Light

Out of Darkness

Forged in Shadow

Infinity's Embrace

Electric Heart

Brilliant Starlight

Office Alien Series

Warning: Awkwardness, drug use, kidnapping (kind of)

Summary:

Three books about an office relationship with three different aliens. Each alien goes through the venture of courting a human woman. All of them succeed on confusing then educating these people on their culture. All the aliens come from the same planet that has been ravaged by a tough alien species that try to wipe them out with their superior technology. That isn't a plot point, its just an explanation. Each story shows the struggles of cultural differences and how education and understanding can help make the world a better place.

Person thoughts:

I adore this series. One book in this series actually got a perfect score from me, which is strange cause I'm a tough grader. The first book has a super awkward lad who just seems to hate everyone. Its really cute and I like them both though their relationship is filled with cringe. The second book I didn't much care for. The main love dude was kind of an idiot and was too blinded by acceptance to be a reasonable thinking alien. Still decent but Its not my cup of tea. The last one- sweet jesus- was amazing. It has a ‘my cousin Vinny’ vibe with their relationship where they fight often but its like their form of foreplay. So good. There is another series that’s super short that takes place 1 year later for each story. Totally worth a read after you read the series.

Rating: 8/10

Books:

The E.T. Guy

The New Guy

The Security Guy

(Christmas special)

Kraving Khiva

Warning: Sex workers, forced prostitution, abuse

Summary:

Eve is a virgin who is fed up with it. After her father's death she has been ghosting by in life with her best friend. After said friend points out a brothel of some interesting aliens she decides to give the place a try to finally rid herself of her virginity. After just one night she keeps coming back, falling for the sex worker. Romance ensues with lots of strife and abuse to keep the two from their HEA.

Personal Thoughts:

Man, this story represents everything I love in a story. Tons of fluff. It was a really good slow burn that I didn’t expect from a story about a prostitute. The cover gives the illusion of a typical middle aged mother romance - which I guess it is- but it has so much more. I only had one problem with the story, the ending. I felt they could have given more information but they just glossed over it. Besides that, hot book. The second one is really boring, just a slice of life that I couldn't get into.

Rating: 9/10

Books:

Kraving Khiva

Prince of Firestone

The Queen's Ransom

Warning: Near death situations, a lot of near death situations, gore

Summary:

432 pages. Long book. Jalia enters into a competition to win a great prize. The interest of great fortune is too much for her to pass up. Little does she know the treachery the competition hides or the actual prize. The king of Minotaurs is hosting an event to test the strength, endurance, and intelligence of potential wives. In a culture that values strength they refuse to accept a queen who hasn't been tried. Genius Jalia goes through challenge after challenge, nearly dying about every chapter while catching the attention of a charming king.

Personal Thoughts:

I generally don't have the patience for long books but this one never dragged on. Every chapter was captivating and riveting. The challenges were interesting and Jalia's solutions were pretty genius. The relationship between the king and her is pretty grand, I adore them greatly. My only problem with the book is all the potty humor and insults. She was a genius but her insults left much to be desired. Once her biggest annoyance is no longer in the picture does that kind of stuff end.

Rating: 9/10

Book:

The Queen's Ransom

The Kraken

Warning: Gore, racism, attempts of suicide(only 1 book), sassy AI

Summary:

A mysterious creature has lived in the ocean long ago, since the beginning of the settlement on this planet. After a nearly drowning woman is saved a series kicks off. Each book has a different relationship of humans and Krakens. Every book tells the story of how the krakens go from living in isolation at the bottom of the ocean to breeding with humans.

Personal thoughts:

When I first read this story I was just getting into monster romance. The love interests have fairly human tops but hella tentacle bottoms. So I was a little off-put by it but as I read on I didn’t care. The first one is pretty good for a start. The second one was decent, I didn’t really care for it. I actually skipped the 3rd one my first go around. Which is fine, it doesn't add too much and its short. Its still worth a read. The 4th one, fucking grand. 5th one? My all time favorite of the series! If you don't want to read them all at least read the 5th one. Like ask me for story details and I'll give you a cliff note for what's mentioned in that story then you can read in peace. 6th was ok, love the sassy AI. I didn't read the 7th one. Its two old people and I just can't

Rating: 8/10

Books:

Treasure Abyss

Jewel of the Sea

Hunter of the Tide

Heart of the Deep

Rising from the Depth

Fallen from the Stars

Lover from the Waves

Escaping Wonderland

Warning: Sexual assault, gore, lots of sexual stuff

Summary:

Alice is wrongfully placed in a psych ward that specializes in simulation therapy. She is placed in a pod then taken to the world of wonderland. This twisted version of the children's classic introduces a rapey mad hater and manipulative Red King. The main love interest is a playful lad who has more control of the simulation than most. The two run from the clutches of the Red King while trying to escape the simulation.

Personal thoughts:

I had very low hopes for this story. I didn't expect it to be as good as it was. It was a twist on the beloved movie and book. Everything was rapey and creepy and I weirdly loved it. Of course nothing too terrible happened to the main lady so it made those situations more tolerable but only just. I adore the main dude, shadow. He was a playful little mischief maker and I would die for him. What made this book better for me was when everything hit the fan they didn't rid him of his sassy personality. Most books make the cocky, silly, playful personality as something that is bad and needs to change. This one they didn’t and kept it. So good.

Rating: 9/10

Books:

Escaping Wonderland

Infinity City

Warning: Abuse, gore, sexual assault, dope ass fighting

Summary:

A city where criminals are more in control than most people think. Each book takes the reader through different adventure of different people. All having the similarity of protecting the ones they love. The first is of an assassin protecting the only woman who has made him feel so strongly. The second is with a mob boss hacker who grows fond of a shy human. The third is the second in command of the mob boss hacker who finds a pregnant woman in a menagerie and discovers she is his mate. Fourth is one of the workers of the mob boss's security team who gets taken by some slavers along with a woman he was entertaining for the night.

Personal thoughts:

First book sucked. He was obsessives and pretty much took all her choices. It wasn't till the end that he was like "my bad, you can leave if you want". Bleh. Second book was fan-fucking-tastic. Arc is a charming idiot with an amazing backstory. I didn't like the girl in the beginning but she grew on me. I love that he focuses on her but still pays attention to work and his 'family'. The third was surprisingly good. I generally don't like stories where someone is pregnant because they get boring. This one was not that. She was never a hindrance or weak, she was a badass. With her big kitty man they made an amazing duo. Also any scenes with her man and the baby made me tear up. He was so sweet. Fourth was boring, it reminds me too much of a lot of other stories.

Rating: 8/10

Books:

Silent lucidity

Shielded hearts

Untamed Hunger

Savage Desire

------------------------------------------

While people watch TV or Youtube in their free time, I read. I have such a weird organization with everything i read because i tend to reread stories and forget i read them. the entire time i read it im like “have i read this before?”. so for books i write them down, rate them, then review them. i didn’t post the reviews here because it would be so many spoilers. Also i sort my favorite fanfics by fandom then relationship. i read so fucking much, its a problem at this point.

If you liked this recommendation drop a like, reblog, or reply. i will perhaps do another if you all like this. i have read so many books and i can post some decent ones and some god awful ones. perhaps you all can tell me how wrong my thoughts are on the ones i deem terrible. i think we will probably agree, ���free’ books tend to have lower standards.

[xgenesisrei]

Truth x Peace

The pandemic opened the way for a heightened migration of people into the world of digital platforms. Lockdowns and restrictions on public gathering pushed everyone, especially those who remained hesitant and unconvinced of the value of social media, to nonetheless make do with what technology can offer. And for Filipinos who are culturally wired to connect with people, that means intensified presence and engagement in social networks. It did not help that the shutdown of ABS-CBN contributed to the further weakening of traditional media such as television and radio. More and more, people, regardless of age, have become reliant on social media as their primary, immediate, and at times, the only remaining source of news and information.

Now that creates a huge problem. Some years ago, social media was seen as the bright solution to greater democracy and more social good. The prospect of everyone having an opportunity to air their own personal opinions, views, and perspectives, a space where free-flow of information is possible, sounded like a path towards people getting more informed and enjoying more freedom. For a time it did. We saw the rise of bloggers, influencers, and thought leaders from everywhere. We saw ordinary netizens empowered to join the public discourse on both pressing and amusing issues in our society. 

That is, until humans in the digital realm saw the rise of trolls taking over, of networks of organized disinformation poisoning our walls and feeds, and of filter-bubbles and echo chambers being birthed by ‘cancel culture.’ In the past years or so, social media morphed into a toxic wasteland flooded with fake news, causing its inhabitants to suffer online fatigue and trauma, and seeing friendships built over a long period of time ripped apart in an instant. It is like seeing the Promised Land, the Holy City of Jerusalem, burning to the ground, ravaged by the fury of the ruthless Babylonians, and leaving it with a very uncertain future. Again, the pandemic provided a most volatile context wherein people fought it out in an open mic tournament, trashing the loudest of voices on vaccines and conspiracy theories, missiles in the Middle East, and what remains of Harry Roque’s soul.

A few months ago, Netflix released a documentary, ‘The Social Dilemma,’ that uncovers the mechanism of how social media is changing our lives in ways that we do not expect and will not want, yet leaving us with very little power to stop it. A few weeks ago, MIT convened an impeccable panel of digital experts for ‘The Social Media Summit.’ They discussed the prospects of rescuing truth in a hostile digital environment. The big question being: Can truth still win in a world where fake news is manufactured and disseminated faster than anyone can fact check it? The experts sounded helpless and as a result they looked not so helpful.

The tension lies between the need to confront people responsible for spreading fake news on one hand and on the other the need to be open as well to the reality that truth not only has two sides but multiple sides and therefore demanding the idea of being willing to listen to ideas you don’t agree with and people you don’t like. 

Towards the end, the MIT summit came up with plans of action that centers, more or less, on the following: “shine light on falsehood,” “bear witness to the truth,” “speak truth to power,” and other similar admonitions that any IVCF-er will be able to quickly connect to not a few passages in the New Testament.

Hearing MIT’s panel of experts, who are by no means church people, much less theists, convinced me that Christians do have something to contribute in winning the war against falsehood without necessarily ripping apart families, friendships, and for God’s sake, faith communities.

So, how do we do this? I will not pretend that this can be tackled in a short time, much less by a single individual. But perhaps I will be able to help in laying down a map of the digital landscape which can serve as a point of departure for those who care enough to find a possible resolution. I will also try to sketch a biblical framing that can serve as initial stepping stones for the path ahead.

Digital Mapping: Maze, Spaces, and Faces. I think it will be helpful to identify the different spaces wherein people are moving in and out of as they engage in social media. At the very least, there are three spaces that we need to pay attention to: first, the terrain of today’s digital environment; second, the virtual presence of Christ’s church in such an environment; and lastly, the manifestations of God’s kingdom ever breaking-in. And on top of those three, another set of three spaces wherein the circles overlap.

Today’s Digital World. I already painted with grim colors the state of social media that we inhabit today. Maybe, I will just add that more and more we are seeing a world undeniably shaped by its digital soul. Definitely, there remains a digital gap, considerable segments of society that are pushed all the more to the margins in the ensuing massive migration to the digital sphere. But as the pandemic rendered digital technology as the primary means by which people communicate and connect to one another, government and private industries, community pantries included, the virtual is already part of our everyday reality. In fact, the virtual has become real. And this is where the reminder of Neil Postman, chair of the communications department of New York University, remains relevant, “The clearest way to see through a culture is to attend to its tool for conversation (Amusing Ourselves to Death, 1985).” Today, the conversations that shape our public discourse and our social imagination is greatly influenced by what we can Like and Share.

Church Presence in Social Media. The next circle, the status of the church’s digital presence, is the one that should cause a bit more of panic and stress on our mental health. Everyone knows that supposedly the church is sent into the world to serve as its “salt and light” (Matthew 5:13-16). And because church people are by no means ‘bulletproof’, Apostle Paul gave a strong reminder of not letting the world provide the mold by which Christians are to conform themselves (Romans 12:2). Instead, they are to be people who keep their minds renewed and transformed into the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. But the more we examine how churches conducted themselves in social media, the less it appears faithful to its calling. 

Looking at the overlap of the circles of today’s digital world and the church’s digital persona, we will find that there is hardly any difference on how Christians, pastors and church leaders included, can treat one another, trash each other, and treat unverified information as gospel truths. A quick visit to some of the more popular ‘Christian’ FB groups will reveal the amount of salt worth trampling and amount of light sucked in a blackhole. All as a result of defending and insisting for what they believe in their hearts is true and just. This is where the mix of religion and propaganda can even be more damaging. Church people fight for political opinions not only for the sake of the common good but in the name of biblical faithfulness. To differ is to risk being branded as heretical if not altogether evil. And, as you can guess, the feeling is always mutual. In a digital wasteland fragmented by fake news and echo chambers, church communities swallowed in these toxic spaces have very little to offer as an alternative counter-culture. In fact, the degree of fragmentation and delusion to half-truths may even be worse. Tragically, this is the face of the church whose character is slowly being eroded by its digital habits. And, given the formative impact, there can be no denying that the virtual is as spiritual!

God’s In-breaking Kingdom. Fortunately, the kingdom of God is by no means limited to where the church has fallen short of and has failed. In fact, the kingdom of God transcends the borders and backyard of the church. George Eldon Ladd reminds us in his groundbreaking book on the topic, “the church is the community of the kingdom but never the kingdom itself” (The Gospel of the Kingdom, 1995). God’s mission of transforming the world, while primarily proclaimed by the church, is not exclusively carried out by people who call themselves Christians. Wherever life is encouraged to flourish, truth is upheld, and relationships are healed, you know God is at work. Regardless, if there are Christians around. The kingdom is ever on its way and it happens that at times the church so often arrives late.

No wonder it escapes not a few how God has always been at work, in ways that defy expectations, and if we bother to take a closer look, through people that will come as a surprise. Suffice it to say that in God’s kingdom, blessed shall be the nazi fact-checkers, the murdered journalists, the oddballs in toxic echo chambers, and even those who find it within themselves the simple act of just remaining sober. They are the ones who are in the overlap of the circles between today’s digital world and the kingdom of God. Unlikely agents of God’s healing touch in a fractured world. They may be far from the church but very likely near to the kingdom. The MIT summit that I mentioned, honestly, is the kind of conversations that I hoped we have in our Christian circles instead of the endless webinars left and right that offer very little help in healing the worsening fractures in our churches. 

Fortunately, there is that overlap between the kingdom of God and the church’s digital presence. We have here Christians who are caught in the tension of conviction between the need to love people and at the same time refuse lies. They navigate the fleeting space for hope wherein truth-telling and peace-keeping thrives alongside each other, without the need to sacrifice one for the other. They understand very well that severing relationships for the sake of truth is the badge of fundamentalists and legalists. But they also are very much aware that compromising truth for the sake of relationships is a sure step towards the rabbithole of injustice. Somehow, they know that the two have to be held together. A careful balance which the digital culture of social media has undermined and rendered almost impossible to recover. 

But there must be good news that Christians can offer right?

Biblical Framing: Truth and Grace. Do we have anything, from the deep wisdom of the Scriptures and in the clear example of Christ, that can point us to the steps moving forward? 

Immediately, what will come to mind is a familiar passage in John 1:14 that describes the remarkable life of Jesus: “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth (ESV).” John the beloved could not have chosen a better pair of words: grace and truth. They sounded great together right? But we know in reality, these are two things that can cancel each other out. We see it everyday on social media. Truth thrown devoid of grace. Grace dispensed at the expense of truth. How could have Jesus made a happy fusion of these two seemingly contrasting values?

There are episodes of his life on earth that shed a clue. Two public engagements are worth noting:

In John 8:1-11, we read of how Jesus was confronted with the case of a woman caught in adultery. Jewish law demands that the penalty of wrongdoing be carried out. But Jesus chose to dispense grace and let the woman off the hook of the requirement of justice. Yet still, he made sure that the woman realized the error of her ways (v. 11). 

Then, in Luke 18:18-24, we read of how Jesus dealt with the rich young ruler. Jesus was blunt and straightforward. Publicly, he identified what was lacking in him and demanded what he himself said was impossible for mere mortals to render -perfection. But it is by this truthfulness that Jesus also opens the space for grace to come in (v. 27).

If anything, Jesus could not afford to either just be a prophet who cries ‘woe to you’ or a shepherd who ‘comes not for the healthy but for the sick.’ He is both. I guess, we cannot do so either. Prudence and discernment calls for us which of the two is needed at a particular moment. As usual, context and timing matters. But it may also be helpful if we can wrap our heads around the subtle irony that lies between the exercise of grace and truth: 

What if truth breaks into us fully when we realize that those people who are most undeserving of grace are actually the ones who need it most? What if grace grips us most when we realize the truth no matter how painful and blunt is what will eventually bring healing and closure?

In any case, my theological conviction is that the character of God’s kingdom we can best see in the life and example of Christ. Anything less are but echoes that need further fine-tuning. It is in Jesus’ story where justice, truth, peace, and grace all fall into their proper places. Going back to John 1:14, Jesus moved into our neighborhood so that we can see that the glory of God is most fully reflected when truth is wrapped in grace and grace is founded on truth.

If our truth-telling prevents us from extending grace to those who clearly have their hands dirty, then we fall short of Jesus’ words on the cross; “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Except for vengeance and retribution, we will have nothing to offer to those who made the hammers fall, people who have earned the right to become our enemies. 

If our peace-keeping prevents us from telling the truth to those who need grace the most, then we fail to follow the badass Jesus who hesitates not in calling people names when he has to. We will have nothing to say in the face of the Pontius Pilates and Caiaphases of today.

The tension between truth and grace shall remain and it ought to. There might be easy resolutions but I am of the view that this tension is part of the “here-but-not yet” aspect of the kingdom of God. So, we will continue to struggle and juggle until the kingdom comes in all its fullness when Christ returns. I will not forget what Miroslav Volf said when he was questioned by the great theology professor Jurgen Moltmann. Volf delivered a lecture that will serve as the framework of his book ‘Exclusion and Embrace’ (1996) wherein he argues to err on the side of forgiveness and grace. Professor Moltmann then asked him whether he can live by what he has written and be able to forgive the bloody Serbian murderers who massacred his people in Croatia. Volf responded by saying, “Well, I cannot. But as a follower of Christ, I should.”

When people drunk with power make us feel they are undeserving of grace and when people’s cry for justice make us want to see blood, we turn to Jesus and let his story continue to challenge us and to shape us. He left us the big picture of what it means to be a good neighbor especially for those who deserve it the least. More and more I am getting convinced that immersing ourselves in how Jesus loved others is what will help us bridge what we can't/won't do as human beings and what we are freed to do as his disciples.

Crux omnia pro bat. (The cross tests all things.)

Conclusion. I want to end by quickly looking into one of IVCF’s core values -holistic mission. Of course, an important aspect of this work is engaging in prophetic ministry, upholding justice and truth, so that social transformation, and not just personal conversion, will happen. So often, this passion for transforming society is what moves people to ‘cancel’ people so that truth shall prevail amidst a barrage of lies. But a good friend and mentor, Dr. Al Tizon, in his new book, said this:

“I see a great need to advance the meaning of holistic mission, to build on the evangelism and social justice affirmation, by understanding the ministry of reconciliation as the new whole in holistic mission. It must be if the Christian mission is to remain relevant in our increasingly fractured world. In the age of intensified conflict on virtually every level, it can no longer be just about putting words and deeds back together again (though it will take ongoing effort on the part of the church of the church to keep them together); holistic mission also needs to be about joining God in putting the world back together again (Whole and Reconciled, 2018).”

The point of social transformation is ultimately God’s longing for reconciliation. Truth that eradicates is no different from the bombs that got dropped in Palestinian homes. One can argue with a formidable case that it is justified but it won’t be a step towards the peace of Christ. Only towards the peace of Rome: Pax Romana (be at peace, otherwise, rest in peace). What is true of Gaza is also very much true of social media.

“There is no way to peace. Peace is the way. There is no path toward love except by practicing love. War will always produce more war. Violence can never bring about true peace.” -Richard Rohr

-Rei Lemuel Crizaldo, “Truth-telling and Peace-keeping in God’s Kingdom,” prepared for the webinar series on ‘Kingdom Calling’ by IVCF Philippines (May 22, 2021) 

[jeremys-blogs]

The Owl House: Top 10 Episodes

The Owl House's first season was made up on nineteen great episodes, but as with any show there were some I loved more than others. And here's my top ten of them.

10 - Witches Before Wizards: The first episode might have done a great job of establishing both the main cast and the world they're having their stories in, but it was really the show's second outing that truly cemented that this wasn't going to be a typical children's fantasy tale. Luz, overwhelmed by her years of wanting the perfect escapist fantasy, is seemingly given exactly what she wants and, with her current mentor looking like something of a disappointment, goes along with it right into a trap. This episode's clear message is that, whatever ideas Luz and the audience have of epic adventures in other worlds needs to be jettisoned right here and now, as such thinking simply leads to those like Luz being taken advantage of. It also helped to establish Eda, both as an unconventional type of mentor, but also as someone who genuinely cares for Luz's well-being. It's a story that firmly tells us that, if good things are to happen to us, we need to make them happen instead of waiting for others to hand such things to us, and that even a place that comes off as creepy and horrifying can have its appeal when looked at the right way. A fine episode that does well at helping to acclimatise us to the world of the Boiling Isles.

9 - Something Ventured, Someone Framed: Gus didn't really have that many standout moments in the show in the same way that Willow did, but I can safely say that his first (and thus far only) spotlight episode was a good one. Most of the time he's used either as "the supportive friend" or as comic relief, but here we got to see other sides to him, like his insecurities at being the youngest among his peers, or the fears he feels over losing even the small position he has among them. It was also a good show of how Luz isn't the only one who's going to be causing problems at Hexside, as Gus was very much responsible for the shenanigans this time, but he does win points for taking the blame and accepting the consequences of it. Also, special mention must also go to Eda for her subplot of trying to get Luz into the school. It really went to show how much she cared for the girl, since she was willing to make nice with a place she personally loathed because she knew how good it would be for her apprentice. Between Gus and Eda, this was a good little Hexside story with some good development for its two prominent players.

8 - The Intruder: This episode marked an important moment of development for all three of the main characters. For Luz it was her first real step in learning how to use magic in this world, as well as showing just how quick she is to be able to use it in an immediate situation. For King we got to see a softer side to him than we'd been seeing up to this point, and just how much he values Luz as a friend and someone to teach. And for Eda, this was the moment we came to realise just why she's separate from the rest of the Boiling Isles' society. Her curse, which is portrayed in much the same way as something akin to a chronic illness that real-world people would have to deal with, is clearly a bother to her and something that would play a pivotal part of later stories. And the horror aesthetic is of course a good framing device for all of this, giving our characters a desperate situation to not only show of what they can do, but also reveal secrets like Eda's condition. It was a dark, intense and very character-driven story that served as a massive wake-up call to the fact that danger can very much be right at their doorstep in this series.

7 - I was a Teenage Abomination: Here we got our big introduction to Hexside, a location that would provide a great many other great stories and serve as an important place for Luz. In addition, the episode also gave us a number of supporting characters, like soon-to-be friends Willow and Gus, and perhaps one of the show's most complicated characters, Amity. Luz's first arrival onto the scene, both for this school and its students, would prove to be her first real impact on this world, which would of course have consequences aplenty further down the line. Now of course, schools for magic are no stranger to works of fantasy, but this show does well in making Hexside its own thing, with its own feel distinct from other such institutions in fiction. And of course we once again have Eda utterly stealing the show with her early-season disdain for the place and her horror at the thought of Luz wanting to go there, though she admittedly does at least soften to the friends she makes in her brief encounter. Overall, a fun and enjoyable introduction to one of the most important places in the show, as well as giving Luz her first taste of a place that would come to mean a great deal to her later on.

6 - Covention: Like with our introduction to Hexside, this episode gives us a lot of information about the world of the witches and how things typically work here. We're told of the coven system, the magical authority that governs magic, as well as why Eda specifically is opposed to them, but at the same time we have Luz, who despite respecting her teach is open-minded enough to want to learn more and make her own decision on the matter, which was a nice touch as far as I'm concerned as it showed she wasn't just blindly obedient. And speaking of Luz, we get her next step in her relationship to Amity here, as we once more have the two at odds, but with that conflict eventually changing into one where Amity understands Luz more and where we learn that there's more shades to Amity than simply being a school rival. Eda too gets growth as a character, as we have our big introduction to her sister and the knowledge that the two don't have the best of relationships, culminating in one of the show's thus-far best pieces of animation when the two eventually duel, which would of course serve only as a prelude to a fight that came later. Overall, Covention had a lot packed in, and it was executed nearly flawlessly.

5 - Adventures in the Elements: Fun fact, I'd sort of debated with myself over whether this or Lost in Language would be included here, since both episodes share a lot in common. Both feature Luz learning more while also taking action that puts her in a bad light with Amity and both heavily involve Edric and Emira. In the end though I decided that I enjoyed this one more, and what's more it served as another important milestone in Luz's education, since it's really the first time Eda actively goes out of her way to teach her about magic. Additionally, we get some hints as to the true nature of magic in this world, something that Luz comes to know more than even her own teacher. We get hints that Luz's ways are something that the oldest witches did back in the day but has since been forgotten, as Esa herself seems to only vaguely know how that ancient power was used. Also, it's another case of Amity warming up to Luz, to the point where I'd officially call this the moment where the two became friends. And of course Edric and Emira were far more hilarious and likeable here than they were in Lost in Language, so there's that too.

4 - Enchanting Grom Fright: Let me get the obvious stuff out of the way first. Yes, the Lumity shipping moments are adorable and a great milestone for Disney. And yes, that dance sequence was brilliantly animated and easily worth the thousand-plus times I've gone back and watched it. But as good as all that stuff is, what really makes this episode work for me is Luz. Not only do we get another example of her well-meaning nature getting her into trouble, which is something of a recurring theme in this show, but it's also the episode that really addresses her decision to leave her world and be in the Boiling Isles. Throughout the story she's shown to be worried about both her mother back home and what the latter might think if she knew what Luz had really been doing these past few weeks. It's an understandable fear that she's been avoiding for, quite possibly, the entirety of her time in the show, and by the time the episode ends she's fully accepted that she needs to speak to her mother far more than she'd been doing. That, alongside great stuff from other characters, Like Amity's own fears and King struggling to find an audience, made this episode a truly special watch for me.

3 - Wing it Like Witches: In terms of pure entertainment value, as in just sheer fun, this episode easily makes it to my personal top. However, given that the remaining episodes all did more in terms of character and story, I felt it wouldn't really be right to have this one be any higher. But, it's still a hugely enjoyable outing for the show, and one that I've re-watched several times over since it first aired. And it's surprising that that's the case, given that sports movies (or even parodies of them) aren't something I usually enjoy, and this episode has it as both its A and B plots. But I guess that's a testament to the episode if I managed to be delighted by the story in the face of that. The character of Boscha proved a good "love to hate" antagonist that Luz, Willow and Amity must overcome, and it's especially satisfying to finally see Amity in particular break away from that kind of toxic crowd for good. But, not one to be one-upped, Eda herself gets a similar trouble to face when she challenges her sister to the same game, and much like with Luz it's very good to see her come out on top. In terms of how much the characters are developed, this one probably isn't winning any awards, but in terms of just how much fun it was for me, it's easily one of the best The Owl House has to offer.

2 - Agony of a Witch: Disney have had plenty of moments where the episodes prior to the finale are among the darkest and most serious stuff they make, and Owl House, it appears, has one more to add to that collection. Agony is, without question, the most intense story of the entire first season. A darkest hour that I haven't seen from Disney TV for quite some time. It's a level of seriousness and danger that we all probably knew was coming, but likely weren't ready for when it finally came. Our main villain is revealed, the truth behind Eda's curse comes to light, and by the time it was all over it seemed as though all hope was lost. It was a real punch to the gut, and went to show just how much these characters had come to mean to me, given how distraught I felt at seeing them hurt like this. If I had one complaint, and this is no fault of this episode specifically, it's that the follow-up, the actual finale, never managed to capture the same feeling of intensity. But that's a very small criticism, and as I said, this was one hugely impressive episode that brought the stakes up to eleven and showed that this show had more than earned the right to do so.

1 - Understanding Willow: I'll admit upfront that I have some bias on this one, as Willow has consistently been one of my favourite characters in the show. So an episode devoted to delving into her backstory was pretty much guaranteed to get my interest. But credit where it's due, it actually impressed far more than just that initial hook, as we get our long-awaited explanation as to the reasons why she and Amity stopped being friends way back when, a point that was hinted at quite a few episodes back. It's one of those things I like about shows like this, where small bits of dialogue can come back and take centre stage in big ways like this. And of course, we have Luz coming into her own as the responsible one, taking charge and doing what she can for her friend. And it's great that this isn't a problem that she was directly responsible for, unless you count her flipping a photo over as her being the cause of all this. Amity gets plenty of growth as well as a truly gut-punching reveal as to what motivated her actions, and the remaining cast, like Eda and Gus, all have a pretty entertaining side-story of their own. All-in-all, this might seem like an odd choice, but to me Understanding Willow is just the complete package in terms of what I like about this show.

And that's my list. Hope you all enjoy these episodes as much as I do 🥰

[a-very-fond-farewell]

The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 10/?

Single Dad AU (not the one you expect): “Water my Bones”

[Pushing Daisies meets florist!au]

*

First it was the beekeeper suit. Then the astronaut one. THEN the Darth Vader costume. Every time a different attire. Lan Zhan is starting to think he better be changing grocery shop soon if he wants to fill his cart in peace without stumbling upon that weirdo during his weekly visit at the store.

Things he knows about said man: 1) he is competitive af, 2) he seems around his age, thirty five at most, 3) he has a flower shop in town, 4) he has a son.

The last thing, he knows because the child is always perched on the man’s cart when they shop. The third thing, he knows because his brother Lan Huan is the owner of the building where said man works. The second, he noticed once in passing, as they both waited in line to pay at the express line. And the first, he got to realize since day fucking one, when they entered the shop together and noticed they were following a similar path and unconsciously started rushing their way through their respective lists as fast as possible to win over the other.

It’s been four weeks already and Lan Zhan regrets moving to that part of town big time. The day he discovers something new, however, is when the florist decides to wear a simple black mask over the lower half of his face instead a full on costume. So even the usual lady clients cannot flirt with him asking if it’s yet another laundry day. The lot of them surprised to see him dressed normally for once. If wearing a black mask, black latex gloves and a black turtleneck in August can even be considered normal to begin with. The fact that he also looks unbelievably hot dressed in such a manner goes without saying. Not that Lan Zhan’s looking, of course.

Yet, it’s one thing to dress to impress and another to be affectionate towards your own child without taking your mask and gloves off not even to kiss him on the cheek or to check if one of his baby teeth is really falling off or not. So, when one of the ladies jokes about it, nobody expects the child to plainly say what Lan Zhan ends up hearing that day.

“If Dad touches my skin I’m going to die.”

The fact that said dad also conveniently runs away and forgets to take most of their bagged groceries with him right afterwards is also telling. But for the life of his Lan Zhan doesn’t know what such a dramatic exit can possibly mean.

[under the cut for details]

initially I thought to let Mo XuanYu be the baby, but then I kept A-Yuan/SiZhui. Also he is not Wei Ying’s actual son, but more on that later. ALSO he’s a savage child with snark for ages and channels every ounce of his adoptive father’s mischievous spirit.

Just like in “Pushing Daisies”, Wei Ying can revive the dead for a minute or two just by touching them [from Wikipedia: “If something is revived for more than one minute, a similar "life value" in the vicinity drops dead as a form of balance. If he touches the revived person or thing a second time, they die permanently.”]

But in this AU, ever since he was young, Wei Ying has revived a bunch of people, in the beginning without worrying too much of the consequences, not knowing someone of the same value (someone close to the revived dead person) must die if not given back to the realm of death after those two minutes.

His family used to take care of the needs of mourning families by running a funeral home. As a child he would simply touch the dead and go his merry way, happy to make others happy. But the dead would always run away, fearing their families would never take them back or not believe them to have been actually revived. Unaware of this, with bodies disappearing left and right, Wei Ying’s parents are accused of smuggling organs and corpses and are taken to prison before being put in house arrest for the rest of their sentence.

(In the meantime Wei Ying has been looked after by a new family, but after coming of age he decided to wait until the end of his parents’ sentence and buy them a house where they could live together again. In fact, he lives with them and his son) -> a perfectly rational choice bc I wanted to give them a chance to look after each other, okay? Also because a family trying to keep a common secret is fun and fresh and the exact opposite of the movie “Keeping Mum”, which is highly recommend btw.

He never experimented with the double-touch until (at fifteen) accidentally reviving a corpse of a dog, getting scared of it, and consequently smacking its tail in a (hilarious) fit of frustration bc “oh damn it... not again/go back to sleep I cannot deal with you/dogs are scary” and so on. The poor guy plopped down as if nothing had happened afterwards.

After that he learned his lesson and knew he could never touch a revived person again. Also dogs, especially dogs. They bite >:(

The first time Wei Ying actually understood something was wrong was when he was 21 and revived his stepsister YanLi, but her mother died as a consequence. He has brought his stepbrother Jiang Cheng back to life, but his own father was taken in his place. Before that time he had never considered the damage he had caused, because the consequences never involved his close ones but mere strangers up until then. So he vowed to never use his powers again afterwards.

The only exception being A-Yuan/SiZhui: the child was found in a dumpster, abandoned at three months old. Wei Ying revived him and didn’t want to wonder who might have died in the baby’s place... nor did he care. So he asked his parents to help. They’ve been raising the child together for five years, but Wei Ying has never directly touched him, always wearing gloves and masks around him.

He has also never hugged his step-siblings either since reviving them from their car accident from fourteen years back, but neither YanLi or Jiang Cheng knows the reason why. The only thing they know is that at the time, right after seeing them waking up from their “coma” and attending their parents’ funeral, Wei Ying has distanced himself from them, never to return.

(Insert shenanigans with Wei Ying trying his best not to run into his siblings, before they actually discover the truth along the way and bundle him up in quilts and coats just to be able to hug the hell out of him)

Lan Zhan is a detective and thanks to Wei Ying’s powers they solve crimes together. THEY REVIVE THE DEAD FOR TWO MINUTES and ask them what they remember before dying (which is basically the whole point of “Inquiry”, right?) and then Wei Ying touches them back and they drop dead for good.

Wei Ying knows his limits now and doesn’t play with empathy (got it? got it??)

Jin Ling has BOTH of his parents (can you imagine??) and he’s best friend with Lan Zhan and Lan Huan’s younge cousin, JingYi. And they SNOOP like nobody’s business bc they know there’s something fishy about “Uncle Wei”. But also they love to play with the other baby even if they pretend to be tough. They’re also friends with Wen Ning, who will teache them archery for their after-school activities as soon as they start elementary school and they are thrilled.

Wen Ning was actually one of the few corpses Wei Ying has revived in childhood that made it back home and was believed by others. (Wen Ning was still a child himself when he died, so he went straight back home and nobody questioned it, too happy to care......... which is basically canon)

His sister Wen Qing is the only friend Wei Ying has that knows about his secret and she’s the one suggesting Lan Zhan to..........wait a minute or two before leaving the morgue where she works at.

“You might never know what the dead could be able to say after you switch off the lights. You get me?”

He doesn’t get it. Not at first.

But! He grows interested in Wei Ying and the fact that he cannot touch his own child. Is it an allergy? Is it an illness? Lan Zhan has questions and he needs to find out the truth by himself.

Wei Ying’s child needs to be properly held by a parent at least once in his life tho... and Lan Zhan is made by very fine, very expensive husband material.

(I wanted him to meet Wei Ying’s parents. Sue me.)

Also I thought Wei Ying would like to make things grow (hence the florist!au you never asked for) bc he might feel guilty about the things he has done + his trust issues about getting attached to someone and then seeing them die AND THEN HAVING TO ACTUALLY LET THEM GO FOR REAL.

I’m sad now.

[sparklyjojos]

THE SAIMON FAMILY CASE recaps [1/13]

These will be full recaps of the latest JDC book, The Saimon Family Case (彩紋家��件) from 2004, which is a prequel taking place in the late 70s. While it’s a prequel, it can be read without any knowledge about the series. (It does spoil one death from Carnival at the end, but I feel like everyone already knows about this particular one).

It won’t be obvious in the recaps, but the book consists of seven parts seven chapters each (similar to Maijo’s Tsukumojuku) with two additional parts at the end.

The novel is light in terms of content warnings (for a murder mystery, anyway), but small kids WILL die in this, and we’ll be talking a lot about a specific type of systemic xenophobic violence near the end.

See that big family tree above? Save it somewhere for future reference. Believe me when I say you will need it. (Also, as always in the recaps, family name will be given first, Japanese-style.)

Well then—has everyone found their seats? Is everyone ready to witness the most splendid illusion?

Let's start the show.

PART 1

A note at the beginning informs us that soon 20 years will have passed from the end of the famous Saimon Family Murder Case, often called the “Crime Revolution” because of its impact on the future of similar complicated incidents. The details of the case have been hidden from the masses, but the time will soon come when everyone will learn the truth.

--

It’s the very last day of the year 1999. The mysterious first person narrator of the framing device is an older gentleman attending a New Years celebration in Las Vegas with his wife. They watch a fairly young blond magician perform close up magic for the guests. The magician borrows a 10,000 yen bill from the narrator, seals it in an envelope, sets it on fire, and it suddenly turns into a rose in his hand. When the narrator is asked to check his wallet, inside he finds a bill with the same denomination and serial number, but of a noticeably larger size… among a few other stunning differences.

“Happy New Millenium!” the magician exclaims.

This little illusion awakens memories from that case in both the narrator and his wife. As the world heads towards the new century, they are the only people left who were so closely involved in those tragic events of old.

--

It's September 19th 1977, and the entire Saimon family celebrates the 99th birthday of their old matriarch, Saimon Tamako. The celebration takes place on a performance stage next to the family's main residence in Tsuwano, Shimane Prefecture. Tamako’s daughter Akiko pushes the matriarch’s wheelchair towards the stage.

A perceptive guest may notice two other old women in the crowd who look astonishingly like Saimon Tamako, though they are a little younger (97). These are twin sisters called—if you can believe it—Tsukumo Tamako and Tousen Tamako. The three Tamakos look near identical, and in fact once used that similarity for their magic acts: all secretly shared the single stage name of Soga Tenju. That was decades ago, of course. The Tamakos no longer look like the beautiful young woman (actually women plural) known from her most famous illusion, Courtisane and Bell.

Once Akiko and Tamako take their place on the stage, all the lights suddenly go out for just a second, and in that brief darkness two things happen.

One: the red-and-white stripes of the celebratory curtain decorating the stage suddenly turn into black-and-white stripes of a funeral curtain.

Two: Saimon Tamako dies.

--

Saimon Tamako is ruled to have died of natural causes, not unusual at her age, and the curtain changing color must have been just someone’s attempt at a distasteful joke.

However, the threat of something darker going on still seems to lurk in the background. There’s a lot of people with bad intentions in this world. As part of the Saimons, Akiko is well aware of that. She recalls what she knows about the family's past.

Back at the beginning of the 20th century, Saimon Tamako made her living performing magic with a traveling circus group. Eventually she met a rich man, married him, and with his financial help established the Soga Tenju troupe.

Of course, the magician Soga Tenju was actually three women, all looking identical, all having similarly unclear pasts and wandering with the same group, all being called simply Tamako because no one even knew their real names.

It happened that three rich men of Tsuwano, who all have been friends—Saimon Taishin, Tsukumo Taigen, and Tousen Taikun—fell for the same “Soga Tenju”, and upon discovering the secret behind the magician decided to marry one member of the trio each. Since this was the era it was, the women didn’t really have a say in the matter. (Akiko hopes for more emancipation in the future and feels sad that she probably won’t live to see it; she’s over sixty herself.)

The tendency for similar names came with all sides of the family, it seemed. The three rich men were themselves a little weird, and that shared “Tai” in their names was something they added intentionally to show their bond. Their respective firstborn children—Tsukumo Haruko, Tousen Natsuko and Saimon Akiko—were given names referring to haru (spring), natsu (summer) and aki (fall). Since the Tamakos were so similar looking, their daughters also looked close enough that one could mistake them for triplets.

Akiko herself has three sons—Taishi, Akio, and Takayoshi—but now that they are all adults, they no longer feel so close to her, especially the youngest Takayoshi, who never felt inclined to stage illusion and broke all contact with the family. He didn’t show up for Tamako’s birthday and even now, a month later, hasn’t contacted them yet.

On October 19th, Akiko is busy sewing new props for a magic routine, the Five-Ball Cascade, in which juggled balls seem to change colors between red and white in mid-air. Remembering her times as the young magician Soga Tenshuu, she attempts the act just one more time. As she throws the balls in the air, she feels a stabbing pain in her chest and suddenly sees familiar faces in the balls—her mother, her husband, her sons—changing from white to red, like a bloody cascade. As they fall to the ground, Akiko does too.

--

A month later, on November 19th, a few members of the Saimon family are combing the Tottori sand dunes in search for young Saimon Yuuta, who went missing the previous day after announcing he’d like to show them something at the site. Everyone’s on edge; it’s barely been a month since Akiko's death.

A rope is found sticking out of Umanose, the famous “horse-back” dune, and several people pulling on it manage to unearth what looks like a giant card—four of diamonds—and Yuuta’s corpse tied to it.

--

--

Not even a few years have passed since JDC’s founding when young detective Ajiro Souji and his wife Mizuki take part in Saimon Tamako’s tragic birthday celebration.

The couple feels at home in Shimane, both because Mizuki was born in the prefecture, and because Ajiro has been friends with the Saimon family ever since receiving their help during the Ajiro Family Murder Case—the experience which prompted him to create JDC in the first place.

That case, as usual, was solved by his grandfater Soujin and mentor Shiranui Zenzou [and if you want to know more about it, read Carnival]. Both of them are splendid detectives, but decided young Souji should be the one to become JDC’s representative instead.

...but we keep saying "JDC" here, and the truth is the tiny group doesn’t call itself by the fancy English name Japan Detectives Club yet. It goes simply by Nihon Tantei Club and occupies the third floor of an office building filled with boutiques, clinics and the like.

Aside from Ajiro the representative, the staff consists of six office workers and twelve detectives (not counting Soujin, who is almost always out on business). The detectives are divided into the Shiranui Section and Kirigirisu Section, named after their respective leaders. There is some tension between the sections: the Shiranui part puts more value on past experience and doesn’t approve of choosing young Souji as their representative, while the Kirigirisu part praises his potential and thinks of the organization’s future.

So far Nihon Tantei Club is pretty unknown, no dramatic and giant solved cases to their name, and everyone has a strange conflicting feeling: at once wishing for the peace to never end and wishing for the inevitable tragedy to just happen already; to just get to the point where what should be unusual becomes the new normal, because everyone knows deep down it has to happen one day.

On November 22nd, Kirigirisu Tarou as usual takes the train to work, thinking about how the world will inevitably change as the new century comes around—though, of course, he can’t be sure he will actually get to see it, as nobody knows what will have happened in over twenty years.

Maybe he’s mulling over the passage of time and worries about the future so much because he's a man without a past. Kirigirisu lost all his memories to head injury a few years ago, at the same time when he was wrongly accused of murder. Fortunately, he was proven innocent thanks to both Ajiros, could begin new life as a detective, and even found a wonderful wife called Kano. He would love it if this usual everyday life could continue indefinitely… although without crime, a detective like him would be out of a job. For now he wants to focus on helping the Ajiros as he can.

Kirigirisu arrives at the office, which is mostly empty this early in the morning. Well, except for the delinquent detective Raiouji Rokenrou, looking just like you’d expect a punk named after rock’n’roll to look like (sunglasses, a lot of hair gel…) and taking a nap on the couch. Apparently Ajiro Souji had a long meeting with him about something last night, and now wants to talk to Kirigirisu.

Ajiro Souji is a sharply dressed 29-year-old man, easy to mistake for a normal office worker in the crowd. (Kirigirisu always flinches a bit seeing his elegant tie; he himself has a strange phobia of wearing anything around his neck, which he suspects has to do with an unknown event forever hidden behind his amnesia).

They each light a cigarette and have a friendly conversation. Ajiro mentions that he recently tried to switch to cigars, but alas, it seems that it’s still “too early” for him to appreciate them; about forty years too early, according to grandpa Soujin. [Seeing as Ajiro is a huge cigar fan in most of the series, grandpa miscalculated by at least two decades.]

Soujin is a thin man of short stature who hardly looks like someone in their seventies, although his hair is just as white as his usual suit, with just a black bowtie breaking the color. He always gives off the air of a mafia boss, his sheer power of personality taking hold of everyone around. Soujin apparently feels constant wanderlust, so he almost never shows up at the office. In fact, Kirigirisu hasn't seen him in over two months now. Who knows what he’s doing.

But back to the situation at hand, Ajiro wants Kirigirisu's help. For the next few days, they will investigate a case together in another prefecture, Rokenrou taking care of Kirigirisu’s section in his absence.

The case surrounds a strange series of deaths. First, Saimon Tamako dying (seemingly) of old age on her birthday on September 19th. Second, her daughter Akiko suffering a (seemingly) accidental death on October 19th, when a misplaced sewing needle stabbed into her heart. And third, a very strange but (seemingly) accidental death of another Saimon family member that has just happened on November 19th. Ajiro and Kirigirisu are to investigate whether or not the perfectly spaced string of incidents may be an act of serial killing.

The case is of personal importance to Ajiro. After all, the person who requested their services is the same man that helped solve the Ajiro Family Murder Case: Saimon Ryuusui, known better as the great magician Soga Tensui.

--

(The third person narration swaps here to a completely different font, and informs us helpfully: but ah, before the two detectives could head to Tsuwano, they would go to Yamaguchi first, to watch the magic show of the Saimon family, a marvelous experience that Ajiro has already had a few times because of his friendship with the family, and that Kirigirisu would witness for the first time.

And from the very moment they were invited to see the show first, they felt uneasiness settle inside them. Only much, much later would one realize just how deep the hidden meaning of the show really was, and that solving all its mysteries was crucial to solving the Saimon Family Murder Case.

You could even say that the show itself, filled with so many wondrous mysteries to solve, was the true Saimon Family Murder Case. If so, then the magician Soga Tensui could be defined as its culprit—and if so, then Ajiro and Kirigirisu have just walked right into a marvelous illusion indeed.)

--

[>>>NEXT PART>>>]