#because they didn’t have any black women who were listed to offer in person sessions

[home-eater]

Virtual therapy💀💀

[lost-in-the-80s]

You Don’t Want My Love - Chapter 8

Pairing: Duff McKagan x reader

Words: 3,969k

Summary: Guns n Roses hires a new tour assistant, but nobody thought that Duff would fall for her.

In this chapter: Is Paris really the city of love? Y/N and Duff are about to find out.

A/N: This chapter is pure fluff! There is a line in French, but the translation is below in italics. The high school story is true btw, I was the one who stayed sleeping lol

Tag list: @roger-taylors-car @ladieswttda @teasid @metalheartofgold @slashscowboyboots @ginny-rose-sixx @rumoured-whispers @vinylvintage @metalupyourash​ add yourself to my tag list :)

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A week passed after that morning, nothing very exciting happened in Y/N's life. Guns n Roses did two successful shows in Scotland and soon after they got on the bus towards France.

They got there very early in the morning, after a long rainy night. Drops still dripped from the leaves of the trees and the asphalt had taken on a darker shade of gray, while the sun fought for space between the clouds that covered the sky.

Open-mouthed, Y/N admired the city through the bus window, her dream had always been to meet Paris, unaware of Duff's gaze fixed on her expressions, making a smile appear on the blonde's lips.

"I can't believe we're in Paris!" She exclaimed, her eyes shining with joy.

"Me neither," Slash said smiling, the realization that his band was touring Europe was still going on, and he couldn't be more proud.

"I always dreamed of coming here, but I never thought it would come true." She smiled, turning to the boys, her back facing the window.

“Well, we have the day off. You can enjoy doing what you've always wanted to do here! ” Izzy said, he was sitting next to her.

“I'm going shopping! Then I want to have coffee in one of those bistros that we see in the movies.”

"It looks like you already have a plan then." Izzy smiled slightly at her.

"Is there room for one more in this plan?" Duff asked. He was sitting across from her, smoking a cigarette.

"Sure! We can go out right after breakfast if you agree. ”

"It's fine with me!"

---

After a tasty breakfast, the two of them met in the hotel lobby. Duff in a leather jacket and black jeans while she wore a red sweater with jeans and black high boots.

Walking side by side, they followed the receptionist's recommendations, walking just a few streets before reaching downtown.

Entering a busier street, several people came and went along the sidewalk, making it difficult for them to move.

In a quick, almost unconscious movement, Duff took her hand, guiding the way through people until they reached a quieter street.

As soon as his skin touched hers, she lost herself, her legs still moved in rhythm with his, but her mind moved as fast as a hummingbird's wings.

His fingertips were dry and callused against the thin, smooth skin of her hand. Her fingers were so small compared to his that they almost disappeared during the gesture.

However, Duff didn't realize what he had done until they arrived at a peaceful avenue full of shops. He felt her hand tightly holding his and a small smile appeared on his lips. For a few seconds, he feared she would let go of his hand, after all his help was no longer needed, but she didn't.

In fact, she only let go of his hand when they entered the first store, needing both hands to feel the fabric of a sweater and go through the hangers.

They visited many stores and although Duff thought he would be bored to go shopping, he ended up having fun. Not because he liked to stand beside her while she went from hanger to hanger, or because he liked to carry the bags for her, but because he was with her.

Every time she left the dressing room asking for his opinion, he couldn't contain the small smile that formed on his lips.

Leaving what appeared to be the thousandth store, she suddenly stopped in front of a window. Its glasses had frosted glass details and clothes in shades of black and brown were exposed.

"What's it?" He asked worriedly.

"It's Chanel." She said with a sigh.

She looked at him and saw his brows furrowed. "It's my favorite griff."

"Let's go in then!" He said, pulling her hand into the store.

The floor was light marble and the walls were white, there were adorned pilasters in the corners and the ceiling was very high, decorated with a large crystal chandelier.

Passing slowly on the hangers, Y/N touched each fabric subtly, feeling the material against her skin and smiling without believing that she was in Paris, personally looking at the fine clothes that inspired her so much to study fashion.

"Bonjour je peux vous aider?" A middle-aged saleswoman wearing a bun approached with a friendly smile.

"Good morning, can I help you?"

"What?" Duff asked.

"Oh sorry, I didn't realize you were tourists." She smiled gently. "Do you need any help?"

"I'm just looking around, I studied fashion in college, I always wanted to see your store in person." Y/N smiled.

“You have a degree in fashion! That's great!" The saleswoman raised her eyebrows in admiration.

"Yes. Chanel has always been my favorite griff, it influenced me a lot to choose the fashion college. ”

“In this case, come with me to the second floor. We have beautiful dresses from the latest collection there, you will love them.”

The saleswoman guided them up an arched staircase with marble steps and black handrails to the second floor where the dressing rooms were and a session full of dresses and party clothes.

“This one is one of Karl's favorites, do you notice the ruby ​​details on the collar? They're from Australia.”

"It's beautiful!" Y/N responded, lightly touching the white dress that the saleswoman was showing her.

Passing the countless hangers, Y/N lifted her hand to her mouth when she saw a red dress, full of small sparkling stones. The dress was the most beautiful she had ever seen.

“Ah, this is Louise. It is inspired by Italy. ” The saleswoman approached explaining. "These little stones are quartz, they fit a lot, don't they?"

“Yes, they really do. It's the most beautiful dress I've ever seen in my life.”

"Try it," Duff said, drawing the attention of the two women.

“Yes, you should try it, dear! I'll see if we have one in your size, I'll be back in an instant. ” She smiled leaving the two of them in the room.

Putting the hanger back in place, Y/N turned to Duff. He smiled in her direction and she almost forgot what she was going to say.

"Duff, you know I can't afford a dress like that."

Before he could answer the saleswoman returned.

"I think this one will look perfect on you." She went into one of the changing rooms, hanging up her dress and turning on the lights for her.

Reluctantly, Y/N entered the dressing room, changing her clothes for the dress. The saleswoman offered to help her with the zipper, entering the dressing room and closing it quickly.

"Wow, it looks beautiful on you, dear!" She exclaimed.

She wasn't lying, the dress was really beautiful on her, fitting so perfectly that someone could think it was made especially for her.

"You need to show it to your boyfriend!"

"Oh no, he isn't-" Before she could finish the woman opened the door, stepping out of the way so Duff could see her.

"Wow." He sighed. "You look beautiful!"

She felt her cheeks flush as she murmured a "thank you".

“You should take it, dear! It looks great on you. ”

"Oh no, I can’t affo-"

"Here." Duff took the wallet out of his jacket pocket, offering the saleswoman a card. "Use this card please."

Smiling, she took the card and went down the stairs.

"Duff, you don't have to pay for the dress for me!" She crossed her arms, she didn't like to depend on others.

"I don't need to, but I want to."

"But Duff."

"Y/N, the dress looks beautiful on you, it would be a mistake not to take it."

She stopped for a moment looking him in the eye. "Fine." She said subtly before entering the fitting room to remove the piece with the help of the saleswoman who had already returned.

---

"What do you want to do now?" Duff asked when they left the store.

“How about we go get something to eat? I'm starving."

"Finally you talked about food, I was almost eating one of my fingers," Duff said laughing, looking at his fingers with a weird expression.

Arriving at a bistro, they chose a table on the sidewalk of the establishment, so that they could admire a little more of the city while eating.

"It's beautiful here, isn't it?" Y/N said when she finished eating.

"Yes, very beautiful," Duff said, filling his mouth with what was left of his croissant, making her laugh slightly.

"What do you want to do afterward?" She asked.

"I don't know, we could go to that park." Duff pointed to a park directly in front of the bistro.

"Good idea!" She smiled

"I'm going to pay, then we go, okay?"

“No, no, no! I’m paying." She stated, looking for her wallet in the bag.

"Why do I get the impression that you are going to buy me coffees until you match the value of the dress?"

"Because that’s exactly what I am going to do." Getting up, she walked quickly into the bistro.

---

The park was extensive, its trails were made with small white cemented stones and the trees around it seemed to be very old, although they had lost all their leaves during the winter.

They walked for almost an hour, admiring small art exhibitions and talking about long stories from the past.

The temperature started to drop and the sun started to set over the horizon, bringing a purple-gray color to the city.

Y/N had her arms crossed in front of her, trying to keep her warm, while Duff rubbed one hand against the other in hopes of warming his cold fingers.

“My class was super excited, their dream was to go to that exhibition, while my best friend and I were just going to miss two days of school” She was telling him the story about her trip in her senior year of high school.

"We spent the whole morning in a park and while everyone went to take pictures, she and I stole two scooters for hire and we kept walking around the same block of the park all morning."

"What? You stole a scooter!? ” Duff said laughing. "I never thought you were like this, Y/N!"

"What could I do? We were bored! .... And in the afternoon it got even worse! We spent an hour and a half visiting the exhibition, after that we got tired and realized that we had 5 more hours free, but nothing was interesting to do. We sat in a less busy area and I read while she slept.” She laughed at the memory.

"So you didn't enjoy the trip at all?" He asked laughing.

"Nope."

"My God." He laughed. "And where is this friend of yours?"

“She lives in Norway now. We speak in letters every month, but we haven't seen each other in years. ”

"It’s a shame." He stopped in front of a fountain. "Maybe it’d be possible to visit her after the tour."

"Maybe." She smiled slightly.

"Three days is not enough time here, there is so much I wanted to see." She sighed.

He didn't answer, and she turned to face him, he was looking at her, his eyes full of a glow that she had seen before, but she couldn't identify.

"What's it?" She said softly, putting a lock behind her ear.

He took a step closer to her, their bodies mere inches apart.

"I want to kiss you..." He said in a low tone, licking his lips, as he leaned slightly towards her.

"But I'm only going to do it if you want to." His hand touched her face, his cold fingers making a shiver grow on Y/N.

His lips were so close to hers, she could feel his hot breath against her skin.

She froze, her heart raced and she couldn't formulate words so she just nodded slowly.

Closing the distance between them, Duff pressed his lips gently against hers, moving away after a few seconds.

She opened her eyes and saw his gaze fixed on hers. He still kept his hand on her face, waiting for some kind of reaction.

Gathering all the courage she had, she stood on her tiptoes and pulled him closer by his jacket, smashing her lips against his and enveloping him in a hot, passionate kiss.

One of Duff's hands found her waist, bringing her even closer.

His tongue asked for permission to invade her mouth and after getting it, their tongues danced in synchronized ballet, as if they had already rehearsed hundreds of times.

"You don't know how long I waited to do this." He whispered when they pulled apart.

---

The way back to the hotel was quieter, the night had reached the city and the cold wind was blowing against them through the streets of Paris.

Duff had his arm around her shoulders the entire way, while she hugged his waist.

Arriving at the hotel, they walked slowly through the corridors, so slowly that Y/N could have counted all the chandeliers on the walls.

They had all the time in the world and weren't ready to say goodbye yet, but the number 25 appeared, it was her room.

"We’re here." She said calmly, looking into the blonde's eyes as she came out of his embrace.

"See you tomorrow?" He took her hand, intertwining their fingers.

"You know you will, Duff." She leaned against the door, lifting her chin to keep her gaze fixed on his.

A light laugh left his lips as he remembered that fateful night in Scotland.

"What?"

"I had a dèjá vu" He smiled, putting a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"What do you mean?

"That night in Scotland."

She frowned.

"Don't you remember?"

She shook her head slowly. "No."

He laughed again. "You were standing just like this." He stroked her cheek with his thumb. "Asking me to kiss you." A smug smile appeared on his lips.

"Oh my god!" She closed her eyes, wishing it had just been his imagination.

"It would have been an interesting proposition if you weren't so drunk."

"I'm not drunk today, am I?" She bit her lower lip, smiling.

A smirk appeared on Duff's lips as he leaned down to kiss her again.

"Good night, Y/N," Duff said as he backed away.

"Good night, Duff."

He leaned down kissing her forehead for a few seconds before slowly letting go of her fingers and heading towards his room.

---

The next morning Y/N woke up with the biggest smile, she still didn't know what was going on between Duff and her, but she was happy.

Entering the hotel's restaurant, fear took a hold of her heart. She didn't know if Duff had told the rest about them, and the last thing she wanted was for them to be making jokes, like that night when they slept together.

The first thing she saw was Duff, he looked up from his plate, looking her straight in the eyes, almost as if he had felt her presence before he even saw her.

He gave her a small smile as he followed her every move.

Taking a cup of coffee and a slice of pie, she sat between Steven and Slash at the table.

"Woke up late today, Y/N," Axl said. "Did you come back too late yesterday?"

"Not really, I arrived around seven."

"We passed at your room around six, we were going to a restaurant, but you weren't there," Steven said.

"Ah, it’s okay, I ordered room service." She smiled slightly.

"What made you wake up so late then? You are usually the first to arrive." Axl insisted on the topic.

"It took me a while to get to sleep last night."

"Insomnia?"

She looked at Duff, seeing him smile slightly. "Something like that."

---

The afternoon soon arrived and Y/N left her room to go to the soundcheck with the boys.

Looking across the hall she saw Duff, propped up against his door.

"You’re beautiful today." He whispered as he approached her, leaning over to steal a small kiss.

"Thanks." The compliment had made butterflies rise in her stomach.

A door opening made Duff take two steps back.

"Were you waiting for me?" Steven asked, smiling as everyone walked towards the elevator.

"Uh-huh." She said quickly.

Arriving at the lobby, Y/N was stopped by Izzy.

"Y/N, I need you to do something for me."

"Sure, what’s it?"

"Erin will be arriving at the airport in about an hour, I need you to pick her up and go with her somewhere."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't take her to the soundcheck."

"Why?" She frowned.

"Axl does not concentrate when she is there, we have to do everything twice ... Go with her to a beauty salon or whatever."

"Fine..." She answered slowly.

"Here, take the band’s card." He handed over the card before heading towards the bus.

"Ah!" He turned around. "Here... for the taxi!" He handed her 50 euros, finally leaving the hotel.

In the distance, she could see Duff looking at her without understanding what had happened.

She shrugged, offering a small wave before Izzy pushed him into the bus and closed the door.

---

The day was starting to get boring. Erin's flight was delayed by almost an hour and all she could think was that instead of being with Duff, she would have to spend the rest of the afternoon with her.

Not that she could complain much, Erin was a nice girl, kind of an airhead, but a great company to have fun with.

But she would rather be watching Duff playing his bass while wearing his Cowboy hat.

Her flight finally arrived, and Y/N moved to the line of people waiting for passengers, holding a papal with Erin written with pink lipstick.

A thin scream filled the airport when Erin identified Y/N, making people around look at them.

She took a few leaps until she reached Y/N, wrapping her in a hug.

"Hi, Erin!" She said hugging her back.

"I missed you!" She smiled.

"I missed you, too, Erin!"

"I was upset that you never called me when you were on vacation." She pouted, making Y/N give a nasal laugh.

"Sorry, I was very busy."

"I forgive you, but only if you promise to call me next time!"

"I promise, Erin."

"Let’s go then? I'm missing my little redhead." She started walking.

Y/N took a deep breath not to laugh at the nickname. "The plans have changed, we only go to the arena when the gig’s about to start."

"What do you mean?" She stopped, turning to the other woman.

"Izzy told us to have a girls' day. I thought we could use a massage."

"Izzy said that?" She frowned.

Y/N nodded in agreement.

"That's weird."

"Weird or not, I have the band's card." She held up the card, showing it to the girl.

"In that case, let's go! A full massage can take more than an hour!" She started walking quickly, making Y/N quicken her pace.

---

After nearly an hour and a half at a massage parlor, Y/N and Erin went to a coffee shop, ordering cake and hot chocolate.

The place was small and cozy, the walls were painted in shades of cream and the chairs had flowery green cushions.

Taking a table by the window, they started talking.

"Has Axl given you a lot of trouble?" Erin asked.

"No, he's been calmer these days. The biggest problems are Izzy and Steven."

Erin looked her in the eye, encouraging her to continue.

"Izzy is a pain in the ass when he's high, and Steven doesn't even know where he is when he uses it, I have to act like his mother."

"That sucks! Good thing Ax doesn't have any problems like that. But I think it's just because they're on tour, as soon as it's over they'll get better."

"I hope so," Y/N said smiling. "And how are things between you and Axl?"

Erin stopped with the cup halfway, not knowing whether to speak or not.

"Things with him are ... complicated…. He can be romantic and kind when he wants to, but most days he ends up taking his anger out on me."

"What do you mean?"

"We fight a lot, but I love him, and I know he loves me, so eventually we will get better." She gave a small smile before bringing a piece of the cake to her mouth.

Y/N nodded as she sipped her hot chocolate, deciding not to dwell on it.

"And how’s Duff going?" Erin smirked.

Y/N's eyes widened. "What about Duff?"

"The last time I was here he was hopelessly in love with you. Axl said he spent all day talking about how beautiful you are."

A smile appeared on Y/N's lips.

"Don't tell me he hasn't made a move yet?"

"He actually did." Her smile got bigger.

Erin propped both elbows on the table, looking intently at the girl in front of her, curious to know more.

"He kissed me yesterday."

Erin shrieked, smiling at the news.

"The boys must have gone crazy!"

"They don't know yet."

"Why not?"

"Because even I don't know what we are yet. Besides, I work for them, I don't want to say anything before I'm sure it's serious"

"Yeah, it makes sense. Do you want me to be quiet about it then?"

"Please."

"Relax, my lips are glued together!" She said laughing.

---

Arriving at the arena, Y/N walked calmly through the countless corridors next to Erin, while listening to her chatter about the Christmas party at her father's house.

She stopped in mid-sentence when she saw red hair entering a room.

"Axl!" She screamed, running towards the door when he stuck his head out.

She threw herself into his arms as he hugged her tightly, mumbling how much he missed her.

Y/N smiled at the scene when she was pulled by the arm into a room.

The light was off and the only illumination present was the reflection of one of the stage spotlights that reflected through the window.

Adjusting her eyes to the brightness, she could see the figure of Duff in front of her, covering her with his height.

"I missed you." He said before pressing his lips against hers.

His hands found her waist, pulling her closer as her hands went up to his hair, tangled in its strands.

Their tongues danced together as he guided them until she leaned against cold material.

Using one hand to feel the surface, she realized it was a table. They should be in a dressing room.

Y/N sat on the table, increasing her height in a few inches, making Duff's job easier.

She tangled her legs around his waist, bringing him closer, while he lowered his hands to her ass, squeezing her flesh tightly, making a small moan leave her lips.

Starting to apply kisses to her neck, Duff was interrupted by a loud knock on the door.

"Duff!" It was Slash.

"What!?" He pulled away from her neck, shouting towards the door.

"We have to go on stage, we’re already late!"

"Shit," Duff murmured. "I'm on my way!" He shouted for the door.

"I think I'm going to have to leave you alone now." He smiled, stealing another kiss from her. "Come and see the gig."

"I'll be there in a minute, I promise." She smiled at him, kissing his lips one last time before he walked out the door.

Alone in the dark, Y/N sighed, her fingers went to her lips and a smile appeared on them.

"Well, I think I can get used to it." She murmured.

[clairecrive]

“Chaos”- Bane x OC [Requested]

After a long therapeutic writing session, I’m back with some Bane goodies as promised! this was requested a long time ago by a girl on wattpad but idk why I never had enough ideas/inspiration to finish it until a couple of days ago. And so here it is. It’s been a while since I’ve written so I’m hoping this isn’t that shitty lol. Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

Tag list: @mollybegger-blog​, @br0ck-eddie​, @of-love-and-of-the-sea​, @evelynshelby​, @shadow-of-wonder​, @deaflikehawkeye​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @fandom--0verdose​, @sopxhiea​, @fuseburner​ (let me know if you wanna be added or removed)

Blending in the shadows had always been the accomplishment Ace was the proudest of. Throughout the years, she had mastered it to the point of perfection, so much so that even the man who claimed to own the shadows hadn't been able to spot her. She wasn't there to spy on them so she'd eventually come forward and make her presence known. Only when the time was right though. For now, she had to listen and observe.

When she heard the mercenary give the last instructions to his men and was about to dismiss them, Ace decided it was time to come forward.

"That's an excellent plan indeed, except that it will fail." Emerging from the shadows she walked into the room with confident strides. As soon as they saw her, the men pointed their guns at her. However, she didn't pay them any mind. Ace's eyes and focus were solely on the burly muscular man standing at the centre of the room. He was in control, that much she knew, alas the men wouldn't move a muscle without his permission.

"I didn't ask for your opinion, did I?" Straightening his posture, his hands landing on the straps of his vest, Bane quickly shut the intruder up.

"Nevertheless, I gave it to you. Now, you should be wise and take it because I'm right." Standing in front of him, Ace held her head high for better holding his gaze. From this position, she could see how he was able to instil fear in everyone. However, Ace acted as if the difference in height was nothing more than a fact. Like he was a man and her a woman.

"And why would you know anything about strategies and plans?"

"Does this mean that you don't recognize me then?" Pouting, Ace twirled a strand of her hair between her fingers. To be fair, Ace was pretty known in the underworld. Being the right hand of a mass murderer and a sociopath will do that to you.

"Should I?" Ace knew it was his way of minimizing and mocking her but she only mirrored his smirk. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"Well, no matter. You should know though that I'm pretty good at this stuff. Me and my partner were quite famous."

"I don't entertain myself with gossip." Was his simple answer almost as if he was explaining to a little girl that no, he didn't play with dolls.

"Anyhow, I don't need my reputation to speak for me. Hear me out, let me be a part of your plan and then you'll see why he called me Ace." She proposed feigning confidence. To be fair, she knew that putting herself in the mercenary's dent could be extremely dangerous. Bane had the power to end in her life with just a snap of his fingers. However, Ace was sure of her abilities and she knew that Bane was a good strategist so he'd be able to see that.

"Ace up my sleeve?" He arched his brow at the not so subtle wordplay. What could you expect from a clown, Bane smugly concluded.

"You get the point then, great. I'll admit that I hated the name at the beginning. I'm more than a plan B, even my partner knew that. It was just for show. The only difference between men and women is cultural, after all." This was a fight Ace would always advocate for. Hell, her whole existence and the role she played were a testament to that. Of course, since the very first moment she started, Ace knew that in a predominantly male business she'd have to deal with a lot of sexism and belittling. But she was ready, she'd endured it all and now she'd mastered the art of shutting them up exposing their ignorance.

"Plato." He noted. Would you look at that. The notorious Bane, infamous mercenary and revolutionary, was familiar with the classics to the extent that he could recognize whose quotation it was. Remarkable.

"I'm surprised you know." She had to give him that. One had to give credit where credit is due.

"I know plenty of things." Well, now he was just being cocky. He could afford that, sure, but that didn't make it less annoying.

"Of course you do," she replied with a smug smile, "So what about that plan you were talking about?"

"You realize what you're getting into, don't you?"

"And you'll realize who you're dealing with because apparently, you don't yet."

"Very well." Nodding, he mutedly allowed her to join him. Returning to the map he was previously looking at, he moved so that there was enough space for her to stand next to him.

"Let's hear your idea then," he prompted her and she could feel the challenge in his tone. One she gladly took.

Once she offered him her plan, a better plan, that highlighted the weakness of the previous one, Bane valued his options and at the end, without any reservation, admitted that hers was indeed the most practical and efficient one. They were now all shackled in a van, armed to their necks, ready for the mission. She was sat in the backseat behind Bane who was sat in the passager seat, arm in her hands. They weren't the only one in the car, there were at least other five of Bane's soldiers but the only sound you could hear was the ones coming from the streets. Maybe it was because she was used to working with someone who couldn't shut up to save his life, but the silence was growing to be deafening.

"So, are sitting in front of us because you're big as a mountain or because you're the boss?" Her voice cut through the quiet vehicle. The men around and behind her didn't move a single muscle to show that they had heard her. However, Bane turned around slightly, now the sound of his mask hissing was louder and clearer. If looks could kill, Ace would at least have been cut by his.

"You should stay focused. This mission is extremely important. I won't tolerate any incompetence." He admonished her like a father would a little girl. And while Ace wouldn't mind that comparison in another context, wink wink, she also wouldn't mind if he was a bit looser.

"Please," rolling her eyes she leaned against the back of his seat, her mouth next to his ears since his face was still turned to her, "you really don't know anything about me, do you?" Feigning offence, her dark red painted lips pouted, Ace quickly wondered if he was just messing with her or if he was really clueless. Bane struck her as a quite thorough person, he'd have certainly done a background check on her by now. No matter, she decided, he's going to know soon either way.

"I'll just have to show you how I got my nickname, then," The pout had now shifted to a smirk and she leaned back to her seat. Her attention back out of the window while Bane's eyes lingered on her face a little longer before he turned back, imperceptibly shaking his head. This woman could either turned out to be a blessing or a curse. Now it wasn't the moment for such thoughts though, he had a mission to accomplish.

Since traffic hadn't been that bad, they had gotten to their destination quicker than expected. The van they were in pulled right outside the building they were going to sack, Gotham's bank, while the other vehicles and consequently Bane's men, parked on a secluded street right where the back exit of the building was. Those people were literally never going to see them coming. Before climbing out of the car, they assessed the situation, controlling that the information they got, on which they were basing the success of their plan, was still correct. Ace could only wait 'till Bane had finished his check-ups since she was sitting behind him and it was one of those cars where people in the back had to climb out through the reclined seat in front of them. The men were busy with their tools and electronic devices to notice that a slight change in plans was going to be needed.

Ace watched as a black limo neared the building and eventually stopped in front of it on the other side of the street. Whoever was in the car had to be someone important, not only because of his expensive choice of cars but also because he wasn't travelling alone. When a suited man stepped out of the car, he was immediately followed by a group of bodyguards as he made his way inside. Ace hadn't recognized the man, she hadn't even had the chance to look at his face but she knew that he wasn't supposed to be there. Her and one of Bane's hacker had studied the schedule for every single employee working that day and also the manager's one too. He wasn't scheduled. That also confirmed her theory of him being someone somewhat important along with wealthy since everybody knew that there was at least a one-month waiting list to be received by the bank's manager. And here he was instead, this mystery man who had put a glitch in their operation, that calmly strolled over the security checks like he owned the very ground he was walking on. Ace hated men like that. Here was another thing she had in common with Bane.

"He shouldn't be here." Bane's voice met her ears. Without turning to him, her eyes still in front of her trying to assess the number of the armed men, Ace simply nodded to let him know that she'd heard him.

"We'll have to use a different approach." She pointed out as the layout of a new plan was slowly forming in her mind.

"We should wait for other of my men to join us. We're not prepared to face such a number." Bane huffed, annoyed for the delay that this hitch was going to cause.

"Nonsense," Ace disagreed facing him, "I have an idea." A smug smirk formed on her face as she explained what her plan entailed. She was just going to need two men with her while Bane and every other man were to enter from the back. This was they were going to sneak up on those snob men up there and get what they came here for.

"Have you failed to see the van parked right there, which holds at least ten fully armed men? How are you going to hold them off with just two men? I was not aware you were suicidal." The patronizing tone in his voice was evident but Ace tried to ignore it. He doesn't know what you're capable of, she told herself. Not yet, she concluded.

"That's because I'm not. This is the second time you underestimate me, Bane. However, I won't take it personally since you've yet to see me in action. I assure you I'm more than capable of what I'm telling you." Her face now void of any smugness, her eyes solemn as she spoke, Bane wondered if she was too full of herself.

"What is the other name others call you?" He asked, knowing it had everything to do with her choice now that he saw her infamous smirk making a comeback.

"I'm the Lady of Chaos, oh great Bane. Whenever I go, that's what I bring and that's what I leave as a trail," sure of herself, Ace elaborated and in front of her confident façade, Bane could do nothing other than believing her.

"For your sake, I hope you deserve that title," he observed before he signalled to his men that it was time to move. While they silently climb out to make it to the back entrance unseen, Ace and the two men Bane chose, walked to the bank's entrance. To avoid drawing unwanted attention to them, she tried to make small talk with them. Attempted to tell a lame joke either, just to sell the idea that they were a group of friends and not some mercenaries on a mission.  Despite the sketchiness of their clothes, they somehow managed to walk in without catching the eye of the mystery man's security.

As soon as they stepped in, the two security officers gestured for them to walk through the metal detector. That won't sit well with the two gun Ace was wearing but that won't be a problem. Not a second after the loud alarm of the detector was heard, Ace drew the gun shooting some warning bullets in the air before pointing to the officers that had stepped near her. Just like the two men behind her did. Understanding that they were greatly outnumbered, the officers hold their hands up letting their arms go.

"Now now gentlemen, would one of you be so kind as to show me your office?" Taking the piss out for men was Ace's favourite thing. She nodded the men to walk in front of her while the two mercenaries guarded the entry door.

She didn't have to walk long since their office was near the security check. Both men walked in and waited for Ace to instruct them what to do. She saw them glance at each other causing her to roll her eyes, she knew what was going through their heads.

"What a big of a  fool do I have to be to have wondered away alone with two strong me like yourself, you must be wondering. Am I right?" She waited a bit before speaking again. Not that she was waiting for them to answer, merely for the theatrical effect. "But of course, because after all women are not that strong, are they?" Lowering her guns, she walked in front of them.

"I have taken upon me to prove everyone who would think that wrong," she foretold hinting at what she was going to do. But of course, they were too idiot to take the hint and so the same ease one would steal candy from a baby, Ace knocked them out with her guns. With the right amount of strength, one hit was all it took.

Chuckling while admiring her work, she felt oddly reworded. Men, she thought shaking her head. Taking her eyes away from their bodies, she looked around the room to look for what she needed.

"Ah," reaching for it she pushed the button that would ensure their plan could be carried out with any more surprises. The front doors of the bank automatically locked while a bulletproof gate quickly lowered, keeping out the inconvenience that was those armed men. Hearing the noise, Bane knew it was his signal to proceed. And so he did, swiftly and quickly making his way inside the building and the floor where he knew his target was.

In the meantime Ace that was soon joined by Bane's men, was making sure that all the people on the floor understood perfectly what they had to do and what will happen to them if they didn't obey.  Once she was certain the situation was under control, she strolled to the floor where Bane was. He had been there for almost 15 minutes now, he should be about to finish by now. The two men that she had left behind knew that they had to join them in about five minutes so that they could leave unnoticed through the back entrance.

She reached the highest floor and was pleased to see that bane's men had subdued the guards and the bodyguards of the mystery man who had got caught in this. Smirking she saluted him as if to say "well done". It wasn't hard to spot the room where Bane was. Yes, it was the only room on the floor, right at the end of the hallway. But the screams coming out of it were a dead giveaway too. The mystery man was putting up a fight and causing problems, hence the screams.

Stepping in the room and assessing the situation, Ace could see that Bane was having no problem at all in dealing with the manager. The smug look he sent her way, confirmed that thought letting her know that he was almost done. So she turned to cause of such ruckus and noise.

"What's got your panties in a twist dear?" Using a patronizing tone, she crunched to be at his eye level.

"Of course he has a whore at a hand. What is your problem, lady? Don't you see he's a fucking beast?" Struggling in the mercenaries' grip, the man barked outraged. Ace couldn't stop herself from laughing in his face. Men.

"Haven't you heard? Behind a beast, there's a prince." Roughly patting his face, Ace readied to deliver the last blow. She had nothing against this young man. Well, apart from the fact that she hated everything he stood for and the city herself. Now, however, things had gotten personal. She hated misogynistic men, and even more misogynistic slurs.

She smiled sweetly at him, the gestured in sharp contrast of the movement of her hand. But that's what she wanted. Messing with his head so that he wouldn't be able to see her blow coming. And, as a matter of fact, he didn't. And that alone gave Ace immense satisfaction. Even more than seeing the red print of her hand on his cheek.

"Oh, and another thing," she feigned to have just remembered something, "don't ever refer to women you don't like as whores, okay? For future references." She added smiling with her lips in a thin line. "Good boy," stretching her legs she lifted from her position and moved aside knowing that now it was Bane's turn to deal with him.

Since he wasn't supposed to be here, Ace didn't know if he had been one of Bane's targets or if he had just become one. No matter, she knew that Bane would either let him leave to tell the tale and warn others or if he'd just kill him to avoid any further inconvenience. As the masked man walked toward them with long calculated strides, Ace knew. The man wasn't going to get the chance to put her advice into practice. And it seemed that the man understood that too and showed that he hadn't understood his lesson since he started begging her, thinking her as the weak one.

"Don't you have a heart?" The man pleaded to try to appeal to her humanity but it only made her laugh.

"Isn't it funny that people always assume that you're heartless?" She pondered out loud looking at Bane, "instead of facing the fact that maybe it's this wicked world we live in that made us who we are." Finishing her thought, she bent down so that her mouth was close to the man's ear.

"I wasn't born without a heart nor with all these scars, neither of us were." She whispered like it was a secret but really, was it so hard to understand? Quickly glancing around her shoulder, she made sure that Bane knew her next move. He slightly nodded. She had his approval.

"We are a product of the circumstances of our lives, Bane." Finishing the man off, she stood up rubbing the dirt off her hands and turned to the masked man. "We're not so different, you and I."

"While I'm not sure about the accuracy of that statement, I wouldn't mind having an ace up my sleeves." The wrinkles around his eyes became more evident as he recalled the wordplay she had used during their first meeting. But that wasn't his style. "Or you could be my Lady of Chaos, my Persephone." He added displaying once again his knowledge of the classics, unaware that it was the perfect way to appeal to her. After that and after seeing the way he worked, the way he had treated her, with respect, like they were equals, she didn't need any further convincing. She was sold. Taking the hand he was offering her, she sealed the deal. He could be the Hades to her Persephone. Both roles unexpectedly fitted them perfectly. Content for the successful outcome of the mission and the allegiance that had just been sealed, they both walked out without rush knowing that they were in control. Useless were the police sirens that were approaching. They didn't stand a chance against them. And while they didn't know it yet, as Bane and Ace glanced at each other once they were sat in the car, she knew that everyone was going to know it pretty soon. Very soon.

A/N: for anyone who doesn't know the name Persephone means "the one who brings chaos", so I thought it was extremely fitting Ace.

[godsporncollection]

Sunday GC Sessions Summary

(long version) (personal commentary in parenthesis)

M Russell Ballard

List of how the second coming is described followed by a huge list of the very obvious things wrong with the world right now. 

We pray for you. 

Remember to pray. Pray lots, and for lots of people, because the leaders of the world need divine inspiration. 

Quotes the lord's prayer. 

Pray for everyone, even people you don't like. 

(Do deaf people sign their prayers, when praying alone? What about when they pray in small, maybe family, groups?) 

Prayer will help us by making feel better. 

Pray everywhere you go. 

Personal story of being in pain from a surgery on the hand; prayer helped the pain.

Lisa L Harkness

Story of a child jumping into a lake and feeling she needed help, even though she was safe. Sometimes we do this too, because we can't see that we are safe with god. 

Biblical story of JC falling asleep in the boat that entered a storm and the disciples got scared and asked him to save them. 

Recent events can leave us feeling lost and afraid, but we should have faith in god.

Ulisses Soares

Seek JC in every thought and follow him with all our heart. 

Metaphor of magnet + metal object. Magnetic force holds objects tightly, but looses that power when the object is far away. 

Temptation will fade when we continue to resist it. 

JC told JS when in prison "let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men and women, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughths unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of god. The holy ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth." 

If you fall into temptation, there is hope. 

Story of friend who fell into temptation. He was sad. 

Prodigal son story.

Carlos A Godoy

I believe in angels. They're important. Some are here on earth. I'm gonna talk about those. 

I converted at 16, after two angels (sister missionaries) introduced me to the gospel at a church activity. 

I met another angel at youth conference. Her squad became my squad. 

Then I met two other angels; my seminary teacher and young men president. 

"Thanks to all these angels and many others I encountered during those important early years, I received enough srength to remain on the covenant path as I gained a spiritual witness of the truth." 

"Please, please do not give up on your efforts to be part of this big family. It is the true church of JC. When it comes to your happiness and salvation, it is always worth the effort to keep trying. It is worth the effort to adjust your lifestyle and traditions. The lord is aware of the challenges you face. He knows you, he loves you, and I promise he will send angels to help you."

Neil L Andersen

Jc's resume. 

"A recent study revealed that in the last 10 years, 30 million people in the US have stepped away from believing in the divinity of JC. Looking worldwide, another study predicts that in the decades ahead, more than twice as many will leave christianity than those who will embrace it." 

Use the correct name of the church and talk about JC more. We have to talk more about JC because the world is talking about him less.

Russell M Nelson

'Israel' means 'let god prevail'. 

Israel's descendants stoned the prophets. (...) 

My grandkid's wife was sad that her father was dying, but I told her she was being near-sighted. She felt better after looking at the big picture of god's plan. 

I greive for black people. 

(I can't listen to any more of this asshole, sorry.)

AFTERNOON SESSION 

Henry B Eyring

"My hope is to give encouragement when life seems especially difficult and uncertain. For some of you, that time is now. If not, such a time will come." 

Personal story of pulling weeds as a child and the frustration of the weeds breaking instead of coming out. Mother said "oh, Hal, of course it's hard; it's supposed to be. Life is a test." 

Story of us choosing to come to earth and satan disagreeing and getting followers. "Now, he tries to cause as many as he can to turn away from god during this mortal life." In the spirit world, we must have decided that whatever hardships we were going to face, "the forces of good would be overwhelmingly greater." 

Two quotes that say that god will be with us, and will help us, even in our darkest hours. 

God occasionally shows me the next couple of steps, but never a glimpse of the far future. 

Also, we need to help others. 

Another story of mother, who "all her life, she felt effects of the trials of illness. In her last 10 years of life, she required multiple operations. But through all, she proved faithful to the lord." "The last speaker [at her funeral] was elder Spencer W Kimball. After saying something of her trials and her faithfulness, he said essentially this: 'some of you may wonder why Mildred had to suffer so much and so long. I will tell you why. It was because the lord wanted to polish her a little more."

Jeremy R Jaggi

My youngest brother died two years ago. "We found comfort in the words of elder Neil L Anderson in general conference the week before Chad died: 'In the crucible of earthly trials, patiently move forward, and the savior's healing power will bring you light, understanding, peace, and hope.'" We'll be with him again, but losing him hurt. 

James 1:2. 

We thought 2020 would be all joy. Shit happened, but we're determined to see joy in this year anyway. 

Chapter 6 of 'Preach My Gospel'. 

"Blessed are the meek (etc)". 

Many unsourced quotes saying that the more you seek/follow/believe in JC, the happier you will be. 

Daughter, Emma, is a missionary. "[Emma] asked us to connect [online] with friends she was teaching [in the Netherlands]... We invited them to join our weekly online... study... All have become our friends." They've all converted. 

Nelson recently said "Voluntary fast offerings from our members have increased, as well as voluntary contributions to our humanitarian funds." 

"My brother Chad's passing came just a few months after our release from presiding over the Utah Ogden mission... Of all the 417 missions we could have been assigned to, we were assigned to... a 30-minute drive to Chad's home. Chad's cancer was diagnosed after we received our mission assignment. Even in the most trying circumstance, we knew that our heavenly father was mindful of us."

Gary E Stevenson

I was serving a mission in Japan. Kimball was speaking in Tokyo. I wanted to go. It was a long commute, so the mission president said no, but the rest of the branch went, so we were alone. Kimball announced a temple in Tokyo. I was disappointed to miss it. 

This is like the even deeper disappointment people today experience due to covid. 

How do we move forward? Consider the first verse of the BoM. 

Wife and I met online with many missionaries who still managed to do lots of ministering, despite covid restrictions. 

Think of "JS, languishing in Liberty Jail, feeling abandoned and forsaken, then hearing the words of the lord: 'these things shall be for thy good' and 'god shall be with you forever.'" 

"We, too, can draw parallels, as individual members and as a church, in the way in which we have been highly favored of the lord during the challenging times we have encountered during the past several months." 

"Let [these examples] strengthen your testimony of the seership of our living prophet, who prepared us with adjustments before any hint of a pandemic, enabling us to endure the challenges that have come." 

List of ways that we have been told to prepare. 

Story of a young woman who was just barely able to go to the temple right before leaving for her mission.

Milton Da Rocha Camargo

Gave his entire backstory before getting around to the topic: prayer. 

"An important part of heavenly father's plan is the opportunity to communicate with him anytime we want." 

"Every one that asketh, receiveth (etc)." 

"Recording our impressions is an important part of receiving. It helps us recall, review, and re-feel what the lord is teaching us." 

I like it when I have strong feelings after praying, but, more often, we're likely to hear the "still, small voice of the lord whispering to our mind and heart, 'I am here. I love you.'" 

"Revelation often comes when we are in the act of doing good."

Dale G Renlund

Can I be a better person? 

And "how can I, as a flawed person, qualify to 'dwell with god in a state of never-ending happiness'?" 

"Good deeds are not sufficient. Salvation is not earned... Left to our own devices, the prospect of returning to live in god's presence is hopeless. Without the blessings that come from heavenly father and JC, we can never do enough or be enough by ourselves... Because of and through JC, we can become enough." 

"We can be redeemed and stand clean and pure before god" by the ordinances of the gospel. 

"Do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with thy god." 

*Jewish appropriation* 

Story of someone who had to remind someone "Dr. Jones, you became a physician to care for people and work to heal them. You didn't become a physician to judge them [on a self-infilcted wound]. If you don't understand the difference, you have no right to train at [Johns Hopkins Hospital, Baltimore, MD]." 

Don't think you're above others. 

"To be christlike, a person loves mercy... gracious, kind and honorable. These individuals treat everyone with love and understanding, regardless of characteristics such as race, gender, religious affiliation, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, and tribal, clan, or national differences."

Kelly R Johnson

Story of daughter who set the microwave to cook [instead of timer] for 30 min. It caught on fire. This is because microwaves need something in them to absorb the energy. 

"Our entire microwave went up in flames and burned because there was nothing on the inside. Likewise, those who have faith and the word of god deep in their hearts will be able to absorb and overcome the fiery darts which the adversary will surely send to destroy us." 

(As someone raised with a fire extiniguisher in the kichen, I feel the sudden urge to suggest this to anyone with children) 

(I have no idea what else he said because he used the word 'power' 34 times in his short talk, and it lost all meaning)

Jeffrey R Holland

Covid sucks and it's going on too long. 

We want to know when our struggles will be over. 

I'm now speaking about "those who would like to be married and aren't or who are married and with their marriage were a little more celestial. I speak of those who have to deal with the unwanted appearance of a serious medical condition, perhaps an uncurable one. Or face a life long battle with a genetic defect that has no remedy. I speak of the continuing struggle with emotional and mental health challenges that weigh heavily on the souls of so many who suffer with them and on the hearts of those who suffer with them. I speak of the poor, whom the savior told us never to forget. I speak of you, waiting for the return of a child no matter what the age, who has chosen a path different from the one you prayed he or she would take." Plus economic, political,and social concerns. 

Your prayers "are heard and they are answered, though perhaps not at the time or in the way that we wanted." They'll be answered when and how god thinks they should be. 

We shouldn't ask for a stress-free life; struggles make us worthy to live with god.

Russell M Nelson

"We live in a glorious age, foreseen by prophets for centuries... Despite the world's commotion, the lord would have us look toward the future with joyful anticipation... The gathering of Israel moves forward. The lord JC directs the affairs of his church and it will achieve it's divine objectives. The challenge for you and me is to make certain that each of us will achieve his or her divine potential." 

Let JC be your 'new normal' by "repenting daily. Seek to be increasingly pure in thought, word, and deed. Minister to others. Keep an eternal perspective. Magnify your callings. And... live each day so that you are more prepared to meet your maker." 

Six new temples: Tarawa, Kiribati; Port Vila, Vanuato; Lindon, Utah; Greater Guatamala; Sao Paulo East, Brazil; and Santa Cruz, Bolivia.

[indecipherables]

💀  * [ maya hawke + cis female + she/her ] —— have you met clara elderton? they are a twenty-two year old first year postgraduate currently studying medicine. they live on farrow, and word around campus is that this gemini is incisive + observant, as well as callous + sardonic. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. a boat club scarf in deep maroon tied tightly around a pale neck (forced back across the collar of a grey checked wool coat by a brisk early morning breeze), indecipherable notes written in easily smudged black ink, eyes like unfamiliar and uninviting deep waters. 

hello! i’m jess and this is my grumpy med student/river girl clara – more info beneath the cut (not particularly coherent)! this got accidentally long and rambly but tl;dr is: useless lesbian ice princess gets considerably more frosty when she returns back to holloway to find her best friend (who she was totally in love with for four years) has transferred out without telling her, leaving her alone to a) captain the rowing team her friend started and b) sulk herself to death. 

like this for plots and i will come bother you or feel free to drop me a message (i’m southern gothics#8995 on discord) if you have an idea or just want to vibe! 

𝐢. 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐚 𝐞𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐨𝐧?

     holloway’s rowing teams haven’t historically done very well in inter-collegiate competitions, your guide explains, trotting cheerfully along the paths down to the boat house. it’s the first week of a new school year and this poor soul has been tasked with giving you the lowdown on clubs and activities –– of which there seem to be an endless variety. 

your guide’s voice takes on a conspiratorial tone as he grinds to a halt just before the boat house. the boat club never did well UNTIL emma miralles and her friend clara elderton arrived at holloway about four years ago. by their junior year, the girls had completely revamped the women’s first boat and for the first time in decades holloway was holding its own in national competitions. emma should have been captain again this year - she was pre-med, y’know, they both were. they were going to stay here forever, because those courses take so many years, right? but something happened between them in spring. 

     so emma didn’t come back at the end of summer and now clara is here on her own –– captain of the women’s boat, even though she’s half the rower and half the captain emma was. i heard that she doesn’t even like rowing that much –– she was just doing it for emma all along. 

             it would be kind of sad if clara wasn’t so awful. 

the girl in question emerges at the door, engulfed in an enormous blue jumper. she doesn’t look AWFUL but her grim expression starkly contrasts with the warm glow of her appearance - gently tanned, golden-haired and spattered with freckles.  

anyway–– your guide whispers, though clara is clearly out of earshot –– all this to say don’t bother trying to join the women’s first boat. she’s made three girls cry already and there has only been one training session.  

𝐢𝐢. 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐰𝐞 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞?

❈  clara has always had a starkly unromantic view of the world. she does not believe in fate or in luck. the only time she has even considered the existence of destiny or a higher power is when the universe dropped emma miralles (quite literally) at her feet on her first day at holloway. 

❈ from the first flash of that enigmatic smile it became clear that the half-italian girl was everything clara was not - excitable, easy-going, effortlessly cool and yet welcoming and warm. somehow, despite the disparity in their upbringing and personalities, the two girls would be joint at the hip from then onwards. 

❈ clara was from some nowhere town just outside of boston. her parents were not especially rich themselves, but a distant relative and good samaritan had left a considerable sum in her will to allow the female line of eldertons to be educated wherever they chose, for as long as they wanted. clara, who had excellent grades and a desperation to get out of her dead-end town, found the longest course of study there was on offer –– a guarantee to keep her away from a town and a household that had never really been interested in her.

❈ emma was passionate about a lot of things - becoming a doctor fell just short of her love for rowing. clara was passionate about only one thing - emma - so whatever the other girl threw herself into, clara followed. she hoped that on the banks of the river, 5am, the sun creeping out over the frosty, dew-decorated grass, the light might hit her face in a certain way, that seeing clara in all the things she loved might one day allow emma to add clara to that list. clara threw herself into the work and into the sport, mustered a smile for all the people that fawned after emma. 

❈ the argument came out of nowhere, but at the same time seemed to have been brewing since they’d first met. as if they were always hurtling towards the same point, to the riverside on that balmy may evening. on campus clara was known for her sharp tongue, her biting remarks. few people knew that emma, away from the crowds of adoring freshman, the dumb blazered boys, the party-girls and doting tutors, was capable of quite equal malice. 

❈ perhaps, as had been suggested that night, emma had always known how clara felt about her - revelled in it slightly, enjoyed being worshipped. clara spent the whole summer holed up in a research lab on an internship in washington trying to find out. emma didn’t respond to any of her calls, not a single text. 

❈ but - this would be fine. there would be time in the fall to repair their friendship, right? wrong. emma didn’t return to holloway, leaving clara and the boat club completely in the lurch. 

𝐢𝐢𝐢. 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

[ ON THE SURFACE ––– she’s cold and abrasive, keen to let you know that she’d rather not participate in small talk and sees it as a waste of her time. in class she is attentive and bristles with do-not-sit-with-me energy, she has been likened to a robot and often gets comments on her need to improve her bedside manner if she ever hopes to be a surgeon. in the corridors she glowers - a warning to keep a wide berth. at training she is a machine, relentless in her criticisms even as she appears aimless, even despondent. she cannot trick anyone into thinking she cares as much as emma did.] 

[ BEHIND CLOSED DOORS ––– she softens noticeably, but is still made up of sharp corners. her words are still cutting, but more obviously said in essentially good-natured jest. she will lounge on furniture, sitting in imaginative ways to study and work on her notes. she isn’t easy and open with her affections, instead approval is shown in a series of quiet gestures: a cup of coffee appears unprompted, she reaches across you to tuck the label in your sweatshirt, she offers up her scarf without question, she lingers outside your final class of the day.]

𝐢𝐯. 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

i don’t have any specific wcs because i love to bounce off other characters with a bit more flexibility but please do let me know if you are looking to fill anything that you think clara might work for or we can muddle through something between us! 

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

Hurts to be Human: Chapter 1

Here’s the link to the: Prologue 

Shout out to @songforhema for helping me out XD 

Summary: Bucky and you had struggled for a while, maintaining a less than healthy relationship before finally deciding that maybe simply wanting someone isn’t enough anymore. So what happens when time passes, people change, but feelings never leave? (Bucky and Reader eventually get back together!)

Warnings: Cussing, references to a negative past, fluff

Also! I’m going to be doing my best to post gifs that have something to do with a particular moment in the chapter. So yeah, have fun!

Chapter One — Time Heals All Wounds? I Call Bullshit.

“Hey, Y/N, when you’re done with that table, you can go home.”

She looked up, a relieved smile appearing. It made the corners of her eyes crinkle sweetly. Normally Y/N was the last person to leave, locking up and putting everything away because he trusted her to not break anything. However, there was one day once a month where he let her leave early so she could get a goodnight’s rest for her morning session. It was a relief, in all honesty, having someone like a boss who understood that mental health was just as important as her job. And Michael? He was like that dorky dad kids would normally get embarrassed by, trying to keep up with the times and tell “relevant” jokes. Still, she found herself staring at his appearance, struggling to get used to his shaved head and glasses. It was a recent change and after knowing him as the guy with the silver ponytail and goatee, she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. “Thanks, Mikey!”

“Don’t call me that.”

Y/N laughed before turning her attention back to her customers, she offered that warm smile and Southern charm that she’d learned and developed over her years in this town. It provided better tips for her and usually, the customers were friendly, so it came almost naturally to her. Any assholes normally got the boot from the big guy. “So what can I get for you guys?”

Click!

The sound of her key turning in the lock signaled her arrival back to the apartment. Four years and even after all this time she still couldn’t bring herself to call the place home. It didn’t feel right. Kicking the door shut behind her, she didn’t bother turning on the lights, instead simply relying on the moonlight streaming through the window. “H.D.,” you called, dropping your bag on the kitchen counter. “Here, kitty, time for dinner.” The little runt of a kitten was something she’d found in the apartment when she’d first moved there. Its two faces, one half pitch black and the other a vibrant orange, reminded her of her favorite comic villain — Harvey Dent. Why she named the cat after a villain, she wasn’t entirely sure, but it stuck. H.D. stuck with her, never warming up to any guests that came by. She was a ferocious little beast. Setting her bowl on the counter, Y/N filled it with wet food and set it on the counter, confused as to why the cat hadn’t made an appearance yet.

“Don’t you think this middle-of-nowhere town is a bit of a step down from New York?”

Immediately Y/N reached into the drawer next to her, grabbing her gun and aiming at where the voice had come from. Across the bar, hiding in the living room’s shadows on a recliner was none other than Nick Fury. In his hands was a content H.D. purring as if there was no tomorrow. A knowing smirk was on Fury’s features as H.D. looked up. A small meow escaped the feline as if she was trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

“I see you haven’t lost your touch, Agent Y/L/N.”

Y/N knew Fury wasn’t a threat. She knew he wouldn’t be here unless there was a reason. However, even knowing that, she didn’t lower the gun. She had walked away from his neck of the woods years ago and had no intention of going back. “You always hide out in women’s apartments?” Raising an eyebrow, she watched as H.D. hopped out of Fury’s arms and crossed the room, her target being the food that Y/N had laid out for her.

He chuckled, shaking his head. “No, not really. How are you, Y/L/N?”

“I was doing just fine until about two minutes ago.” They studied one another, calculating each possible move that could be made in the next few moments. When she didn’t see him reach for a weapon, didn’t see him make a call for help, she lowered the gun. “What are you even doing here, Fury?”

“I’ve had Maria keep tabs on you.”

“Of course you have.” There was no surprise there. Fury liked having an eye on the whole deck of cards. Whether she had quit or not, she had the training and know-how to be a potential threat. Still, it unnerved her to know that he had gone so far as to pay a personal visit.

“How’s therapy?”

Through gritted teeth, “Fine.”

“Nightmares?”

Fist clenched, “I have coping mechanisms.”

“Healthy ones?” He took her silence as a yes. “Your anxiety attacks?”

Shoulders tensed. “Maintained.”

“Suicidal thoughts?”

The air grew tense. Why was he skirting around his reasons for being here? Why was he talking to her as if they’d been friends all this time? “What is this about?”

Fury studied her. “You seem healthier.” He had to make sure it was true, that Maria wasn’t feeding him false information by accident.

“Guess the country does wonders for the brain.”

He laughed. “I call bullshit on that. You’re a city girl, Y/N. Always have been.”

“People change.”

“No. They don’t.” Oh, she wanted to punch him. But maybe it was right. Maybe this was why she couldn't convince herself even after all this time that this wasn't home. “They get better, sure. Healthier, stronger, or the opposite, but that sort of thing? Not so much.”

“Is this some fucked up doctor’s visit?”

“Not at all. I have a mission for you.” He made it sound so simple, so matter of fact. That was Fury though. She shouldn’t be surprised.

Her mind drifted to the team, the Avengers. They had been her family for almost three years. Then… She shook her head, not wanting to think about that one particular guy. Every time, her heart sped up in a way that made her wish she never left. “I don’t do that anymore.”

“Maybe not, but you still got it.” He was hiding something. She could tell. “They need you.”

“No, they don’t.”

“Y/N,” he muttered, rolling his eye. Fury took a seat and leaned back, crossing his right leg over his left knee. She knew that move, that lean. This wasn’t just a boss coming to give orders, but a friend asking for help. “They have faced Loki, Ultron, Hydra, each other, and Thanos twice…Each time they barely made it and that’s a little unsettling for a man like me. Over those years people have come and gone and you are one of them. However, the reason you left wasn’t that you weren’t cut out for the superhero gig.”

“I wasn’t —“

He kept talking as if she hadn’t interrupted. “It was because you needed to take care of yourself. And that’s fine, I understand and can certainly respect it. I don’t know many people that would have taken the steps you did. Hell, Stark didn’t.”

“He tried.”

“He couldn’t,” Fury corrected. “But all that being said, the Avengers have been a fractured bunch for a while. Wanda and Vision are doing their own thing. Banner is enjoying retirement on a beach somewhere.” She chuckled, appreciating that Bruce took that chance. “Thor and Danvers are off-world and don’t need to be around for everything.” His voice trailed off, showing he was running out of options.”

“T’Challa?”

“Is there if we call, but he’s a bit busy running a kingdom. I’d rather not call him in if I can help it. As for his sister, she visits frequently to help with new tech.”

“Strange?”

“I dealt with Stark’s attitude for years. I’d rather not do the same with him.”

“Okay,” she muttered, setting the gun on the counter and shoving her hands in her back pockets. “There’s still more, Fury. Peter? Scott?”

“Both are Avengers, but Parker’s a minor. He’s not around as much as he could be in the future. Scott works with what he can, helps often, but the man does have a daughter.”

“Same with Clint,” which meant he wasn’t an option either. “Sharon?”

“Recruited already.”

“Then why do you need me?”

Fury watched her curiously, knowing she was running out of people to list off. He’d never force Y/N to come back to the Avengers. She’d fought her skeletons for years just to get to this point. She was happy, whole without having to use anyone as a crutch. He wouldn’t allow himself to take that away from her when he’d known her almost as long as he’d known agents like Hill, Barton, and Romanov. He’d already lost one of those agents, but Fury wouldn’t let himself lose any more. Not if he could help it. But watching her, he could tell she was itching to come back. Her instincts weren’t all that rusty. All she needed was a chance to get back in. So now was time for the pitch. “Your guys are struggling.” She flicked as he referred to them as hers, looking away and running her fingers through H.D.’s fur. “It seems the government is making another attempt to rid the world of Wilson’s role”

“He isn’t Captain America. Hell, he’s insisted he isn’t.”

“Dons the shield, gets the name. That’s how everyone’s looking at it at least.”

“Get Sharon and Peggy to take care of it.”

“I would, but” he trailed off, earning more of her attention. That could only mean one thing.

“What did Bucky do?”

Disbelief rang clear in his voice as he asked, “Do you not watch tv?”

“Nope. It isn’t recommended to me. You know, all things considered.”

He could understand that. It seemed every channel was talking about the next awful thing or the latest bombing or some form of violence. She didn’t need to have something that filled her brain with 24/7 negativity that she would feel responsible for. “Barnes hasn’t done anything yet. He’s been doing a lot better.” Fury noticed how she smiled but chose not to say anything. For now. “That being said, we have people like that Quentin Beck guy coming out and tarnishing the Avengers name.”

“And since Bucky has his history, all eyes are on him?”

“You know how he handles the pressure.”

“Still don’t see how does this include me.”

“You’re the face everyone associates with Bucky’s first glimpse of growth. Every press junket, every interview, you were there. It became this whole thing where one of you was always associated with the other. You keep, not only Barnes but also Wilson in check. That is something we desperately need right now.” He sighed softly. Here goes nothing. “We think there’s another guy like Quentin lurking around, biding his time till one of these guys makes a mess we can’t cover-up. Then —“

“The hero ‘Captain America’ gets forced into retirement and out comes a new ‘hero.’”

Fury nodded, glad that he was talking to someone who fully understood his concerns. “Exactly.” Sharon had argued with him when Fury had mentioned bringing Y/N into this, thinking it might be worse for her and the soldier back in New York. Watching Y/N now, he could feel in his gut that he was making the right call. “There have been calls, videos, photos — you name it and the press has had it. Their reputations are getting tarnished, but this isn’t exactly something that requires all the heroes on my contact list.”

Wry smile in place, she shook her head as she asked, “Just a stubborn former Avenger and agent?”

Fury grinned. There she was. “How’s it sound? Got a deal?”

——

The Avengers Compound felt emptier now that heroes seemed to come and go as if the exit was a revolving door. It was irritating, but something these two men could understand. They continued on their morning run, Bucky easily passing up Sam over and over again. It was getting to the point where Bucky would say, “On your right.”

After hearing it for the fifth time, Sam shouted, “Cut it out, old man!”

“Old man?” Bucky laughed, the belly laugh bursting through him as he grinned from ear to ear. “If that’s the case, why can’t you keep up, Birdbrain?”

Sam growled, fighting every fiber in his being to send Redwing after him. That’d give the soldier a workout, he was certain. “I swear to god, Sharon is going to have to keep me from kickin’ your ass.”

“Gotta catch it first!”

Bucky took off, feeling the burning hole in the back of his head that came from Sam’s intense glare. Yeah, Sam would find some sort of way to get payback, but for now? It was just entertaining as Hell.  “Hey,” Sam shouted after him, slowing down when he felt his phone buzz in his back pocket. Answering it, he was confused as to why Sharon was calling him. She knew he’d be on his run. “What’s up, Carter?” He looked at Bucky’s back as the man continued running, a frown appearing as he heard what the woman had to say. “And no one thought that was information we needed to know?” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Okay, I’ll let him know.”

Hanging up, he saw the jet slowly approaching and tried shouting after the idiot in front of him with a loud, “Hey, Buck!”

Bucky looked up when he heard Sam, brow furrowing when he saw the jet ahead. He slowed down as it landed nearby, both men shielding their faces as the autumn leaves were sent flying through the air. He was confused, knowing that Sharon normally let them know about these sorts of things. What Avenger was paying a visit? As the jet-powered down, he looked at Sam and asked, “You know anything about this?”

“Only about ten seconds ago,” Sam grumbled, irritated not at Bucky, but rather at being left in the dark. He looked over his shoulder as Sharon came outside. It was clear she was trying to keep her face void of emotion, but he knew her. She was just as concerned for the man standing next to him as he was. “Maybe you should head inside, Buck. Sharon and I got this.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, turning away from the jet to focus instead on his friend. He knew Sam was concerned and there was cause for it. It had taken a while for Bucky to make progress in therapy and took an even longer time to get him to this level of ease. Assuring him, Bucky explained, “Sam, I’m not nearly as much of an ass as I used to be. I can handle greeting an Avenger.”

“That’s good to hear.”

Sam winced as Bucky looked back, the sound of Fury’s voice catching him off guard. However, that feeling was nothing compared to when he saw who was standing just behind the spy. He felt his stomach churn as if a bunch of butterflies took off simultaneously. His heart twisted, beating so loudly that he could hear it in his ears. Fingers fidgeting, he clenched them into fists as he took a shaky breath and tried to keep himself from running. Towards where his gaze was fixated on or in the opposite direction, he wasn’t sure. But either way, there she was, walking straight towards him.

Y/N.

On top of her head was a pair of sunglasses, her hair cut in a style he had never seen her try before. Where she had developed an eating disorder during their last months together, she looked healthy now. She was practically glowing, that sparkle in her eyes back where it belonged. Time worked in her favor and suddenly he found himself feeling extremely self-conscious.

“Hey there, Y/N/N,” Sam teased, unable to keep himself from smiling when he saw her. While he didn’t appreciate this being thrown at them out of the left-field, he would be one of the first to admit that he missed having Y/N fighting alongside them.

“Hey, Sammy.” She grinned and Bucky felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. That smile made the whole world seem brighter, better. A part of him, a big part of him, wished she’d smile at him like that. Her gaze shifted to him, bright smile dimming, but still just as sweet.

Fidgeting from one foot to the other.

Biting the corner of her lip.

Fiddling with the strap of the duffel hanging off her shoulder.

He knew her tells. She was nervous.

“Hey, Y/N.” He smiled and noticed how her shoulders almost immediately relaxed.

“Hey, Buck.” There was a moment of silence before she pointed to his head. “You cut your hair.”

He felt his cheeks burning, clearing his throat as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh…yeah, I did.”

“It looks good.”

Sam looked from one to the other. If he could raise his eyebrow any more, it would be on top of his head. These two… Looking at Y/N, he gestured to the cage in her left hand. “What’s that?”

“Oh!” She looked down at the cage and that smile of hers came back. “This is H.D.”

“A cat?” The boys asked the question at the same time, equally confused. When Y/N was part of their team, she didn’t want an animal. She thought they were too dependent on people, too needy. Now, not only did she have an animal, but she was carrying it with her like it was family.

Bucky was curious. He had to ask, “What made you get a cat?”

“It’s — Um, it’s kinda a long story.”

She readjusted her bag and Fury said, “You two can catch up with her later. Sharon?” The boys looked behind them, not realizing that Sharon had made her way to stand only a couple feet behind them. “Can you take Y/L/N to her room?”

“Yeah, of course. Come on, Y/N.”

“See you later, boys.” She walked between them, her shoulder bumping Bucky’s. It seemed the touch was registered not only by him but also by Y/N. He noticed how she quickened her steps, determined to create as much distance between them as possible.

Bucky couldn’t take his eyes off her. The way she walked was similar to the girl he’d first met. Each step was filled with that same confidence, but there seemed to be something else, something more. He just didn’t understand it. Scratching the back of his neck, he couldn’t help but grumble to himself, “I thought the time was supposed to heal all wounds.”

Sam watched him, that all-knowing smirk resting almost lazily on his lips as he glanced from Bucky to Y/N and back again. Shaking his head, he knew this was going to be a lot of trouble. Part of him was hopeful, wanting the two to find a way to grow and work things out. The other? The other was more realistic, knowing the odds weren’t exactly in anyone’s favor. Watching Bucky out of his peripheral vision, he told him, “Yeah, I’m calling bullshit on that.”

Chapter Two - Can We Pretend

[tenpin-boleyn]

Rebellious Parr at School!

These were thought up by @wolfies-chew-toy and I- mostly MB- because Cathy going through teenage rebellion is I C O N I C

There are some teenage Anne in here too but mostly our girl Cathy P 🖤

Also I’m sorry about the length- I’m on mobile so I can’t add a read more :)

•Anne got her heelys confiscated, so she decided to sandpaper the bottom of her shoes so she can slide around like a penguin. No wheels? No problem.

•Catherine being the feminist icon that all teachers fear:

“NO I AM NOT READING ROMEO AND JULIET AS ITS A DEROGATORY REPRESENTATION OF WOMEN AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH”

Then Catherine promptly gets removed from the class.

“Catherine don’t you have English right now?”

“Don’t you have your funeral!!.... oh my god Mrs lynn I’m so sorry” because Cathy is a badass but she still has feelings

•Confusing the teachers on a daily basis:

"Hitler is kinda like Kim Jong Un dont you think?"

"Miss Parr and Miss Seymour what are you talking about?"

"Miss, isn't Kim Jong Un rather like Hitler?"

"Please stop discussing your Kpop idols in my class."

•The school has different colors led name tags for the different years, eg. Seventh year, yellow, eighth year green etc.

You can bet your ass Parr has a name tag in each colour and wears them all at once. It ranges from her actual name to Catradora. She has a name tag that just says CatParr420 and wears it everywhere.

And 90% of the time she wears a blank one and carries around a marker

“Umm excuse me what’s your name?”

Which prompts Cathy to draw on a fake name.

“Anita Willtolive”!

•She draws penises on all the whiteboards of every class she enters in permanent marker.

•One time the school used a drone to film the morning assembly and the noise annoyed Cathy so much she picked her book from morning reading up and h u r l e d it at the drone.

All you can hear before the recording stops is “YEET”

Did she get detention? Yes

Was it worth it? HELL YES

•You can bet your bottom dollar that Anne is in that detention too.

Anne's reasons for detention range from stuff like chatting to general shenaniganery but Cathy is just oPEN DEFIANCE

•She only is nice to her classmates

•And selected teachers

•She's a dick to everyone else

•But if she sees a kid on their own she’ll go out of her way to be lovely to them and to that one annoying teacher she hates, she’s a hell raiser

•She once moved the empty table next to her desk away to the other end of the class to stop teachers from sitting next to her- whilst the teacher was trying to sit at said desk.

•Catherine openly questioning EVERYTHING

“But if everyone is only nice to get into heaven surely that defeats the purpose and they’re being fake”

•She would fall asleep in front of the teacher

She'd just yell goodnight really loudly and knock out on her desk

•Honestly it’s a wonder she hasn’t been kicked out, but Jane thinks it’s because her grades bring up the school average

•She does her homework the moment she gets it and is finished by the end of the day

•Anne just puts in her file and lets it rot

•Parr gets in trouble for handing in Anne’s homework that Parr did but Anne has no idea. Cathy just wanted to make sure she didn’t fail

•Anne teaches Parr how to get discounts in the cafeteria, because Parr needs free cookies.

•Parr is Anne's defender when it comes to detentions

•She gives the teacher her Stare™️ and they instantly clam up

•Their detention desks are side by side and they have like those partners in crime necklaces but instead of two halves on their necklaces they’re carved into the tables

They they put them together they just line up

“Parr scares all the teachers except the German teacher who is literally Satan.

•Anne looks scary but she is basically harmless

•Parr looks like she wouldn't hurt a fly but given the chance she would 100% bite her teacher's hand off

•Anne has like five piercings and the messiest uniform in existence while Parr has only one piercing in each ear and the neatest uniform in existence but the moment Parr opens her mouth you better run

•She once bit a first year because they got in her way

•Cross any of Parr's friends or Parr herself and you might as well drop out because you'll be on a hit list for your whole education career

•She’s got a little black book of people that’s annoyed her because eventually she forgets but she’s too petty to let her memory get the better of her

•Anne has been on it at least once but Parr always strikes her name out

•She once kicked Parr in the stomach trying to show off her sandpapered shoes

•The shoe flew off and hit Parr in the stomach

She would have screamed at Anne but Anne’s puppy dog eyes are irresistible

Especially at 12 years old because she’s literally a baby

Like not even in a sexual way, you just can’t say no to those eyes

•Seymour has also been on the list once

But Parr got her revenge

What did Seymour do? She keeps taking Parrs highlighters

So Parr makes her pay money for every time she uses her highlighters

And one day a teacher sees and thinks it’s a drug deal

Every late payment is + 1 quid

Jane knows better than to accumulate late payments because Parr is ruthless when it comes to money

•When a classmate lost Parrs calculator and didn't pay her back, Parr literally carved owe money pay money onto her desk and got that person's friends to remind them daily till they paid her back

•Every time that person saw Parr in the hallways they'd turn around and head the other direction

•Tardies don't matter when the most trigger-happy person in school is out for your blood

•The day that she’s sat next to Parr in the seating plan is the day she moves schools

•Even then Parr still tracks her down

•She waits for them at the school gate with the most murderous smile on her face

•You just see Anne behind her chewing gum, snapping her fingers and doing jazz hands

•And the person is rapidly dialing their parents while screaming MOM COME PICK ME UP I'M SCARED

•Suddenly Aragon pulls up with the others and shouts at the pair “get in losers we’re going shopping”

"How the hell did you even find them Cathy?"

"I just followed the smell of crippling debt and it led me here."

“No seriously how?”

“Anne never turns her snapmaps off”

•Also Parr made the PE teacher cry more than once. More than twice. Okay it was 27 times.

•Parr has a pen knife and people try to confiscate it but she just brings out a printed sheet of paper that says that “a knife may be carried as a self defence weapon if it is under 9 inches and is retractable”

•She made the history teacher quit.

•One time she threatened to give someone salmonella because they were giving Anne and Kat a hard time

•Both Anne and Kat are in special ed and someone thought it'd be funny to bully them cuz of it

•She was skipping class in the toilets and two girls walk in and start bad mouthing Anne and Kitty so she kicks open her door and looks at them whilst sucking a lolly pop “hello bitches say goodbye to ur eyebrows”

•Parr is super defensive of the two of them

•She teases them sure but if anyone else tries, they have to sleep with one eye open

•Anne and Kat don't understand why people keep coming up and apologizing to them

•When they ask Parr, she just shrugs and smiles

•Parr used to be super motivated back in year seven. When year eleven rolled around, she became a little more rebellious, first the name tags, then the mouthing off. Then it escalated further and further. No one else but Parr and Anne knows what happened to cause this change

•Parr is soft for Anne and Kat and Anne and Kat alone

•She roughs up Aragon, Seymour and Cleves bc she knows they can take it. She's soft when she needs to be and not many people see that side of her

•Her favourite teachers rarely see that side either. Only during teacher's day when she sneaks into the staffroom to give them homemade cookies

•Parr wears leather jackets to class and no one dares question her.

•Anne learnt Chinese and how to play the guitar during detention so that she could sing for Parr the next time they had a session together

•Anne singing Unchained Melody exactly like in ghost the musical, and does the little elvis riff too

•Parr and Anne facetime and do Kahoots together because they need to study aka theyre competitive as shit

•Cathy gets excited in class and stands on her chair and yells "I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK. U COMING TO KILL ME???" And promptly gets removed from the class.

•Parr gets a "Little Miss Adventurous" award for having the most travelled converstation.

BONUS:

•The queens doing that egg project where they have to bring an egg home and keep it for a week

•Anne calls hers Eggward Eggburt.

•Aragon drops it the moment she gets it

•Anne brings the egg home and makes it into an omelette

•Jane does well till the sixth day where she goes fuck it and uses it to bake cookies.

•Cleves breaks it during lunch after Anne called her a name and she threw it at her

•Kat gives hers to Jane and it's baked into chocolate chip cookies

•Parr shuts hers in the fridge for a week and takes it out at the end of the week

•Anne gets asked where her egg is and she pats her stomach which results in Kitty yelling “YOURE PREGNANT?!”

•Jane gets asked where her egg is and she holds up this cookie jar and offers the teacher one

•Parr is praised for being the only one in class for having an intact egg and then she grabs the egg and breaks it on the teacher's head cuz she 'needed to shut up'

[krystalreverb]

Something Human (Fic Preview #6)

Meanwhile, Hubert had just gotten the message from the soldier who had been sent to look for him, and sighed as he looked at his limited potion ingredient stock. If they rationed it carefully, he would have enough for all of them, but it was close. He had done some routine background research on the girls when they all joined the Academy, and had found out that Bernadetta suffered from a condition in which scar tissue tended to build up around her ovaries, causing her intense pain for prolonged periods of time while she was menstruating, and therefore would need more of Hubert's potion to counteract the effects of her condition, and Hubert would have to make it strong. And he had no margin for error.  

“Tell the Emperor that if she requires enough potion for everyone, then she'll need to find me more ingredients. Give her this.” Hubert scribbled down the ingredients he needed on a scrap piece of parchment and handed it to the soldier. The soldier snapped into a salute and scurried off with it. 

Edelgard sighed upon opening the note. After torturing the soldiers with work and making them all run laps for about an hour or so, she'd grown bored with tormenting them and decided to relax in the mess hall and await Hubert's return. The girls had followed, if only because they, too, found themselves bored and without anything to do that day. It was Byleth's day off, and they had chosen to stay in today. Something about the Sword of the Creator repairing itself somewhat when Byleth wasn't using it, thus saving them time and money getting it repaired manually. Besides, not many of the Empire’s blacksmiths could manually repair a divine sword. The ones that could always cost more, and Hubert (who was in charge of financing the whole thing) had given Byleth a bit of a tongue lashing about wasting the Empire’s funds and maybe if Byleth would just learn some bloody magic they wouldn’t have to use that blasted sword anyway.  “Hubert says he'll have enough for all of us, but only barely, and only for today. He needs more ingredients to make enough to last all week.” 

“I shall be finding the ingredients for Hubert.” Petra piped up. She took the note from Edelgard and hurried off in search of the ingredients. She would check the marketplace first. There was a woman there who showed up every once in a while that had very special and interesting items for sale on her person at any given time. Anna, her name was? Perhaps Anna would have the ingredients. 

“At least he has enough for all of us today.” Edelgard said. “I didn't realize Hubert's stocks were getting so low. Apparently Hubert didn't realize it either. It's his job to keep track of his own hobbies. I am certainly not doing it for him.” 

Bernadetta whimpered softly and curled up on the bench, her head in her knees, holding her stomach in pain. Edelgard put an arm around her and rubbed her back soothingly. “I know, Bernie. I know. Hubert will be back soon.”

“Oh, no... don't worry about me, Edelgard, I'll be fine....” Bernadetta whimpered unconvincingly. “I've had worse than this...”

“Bernadetta, you can hardly move.” Edelgard said. “You can't fight in the condition that you're in, and I'm going to need you in the upcoming battles. What do you usually do when the pain gets this bad?” She asked, helping Bernadetta lay down on the bench. 

“Ahh...” Bernadetta whimpered. “I usually just lay down and hope for the best... there's really nothing else I can do, right? I can't make it go away.” 

“Bernadetta, I promise that Hubert is not going to bite you or hurt you or react negatively in any way if you ask him to brew you potions for this. I know he makes you nervous, but he's really a big sweetheart. All you have to do is say, 'Hubert, I need some more of that potion you make for cramps' and I guarantee he will make it for you.” Edelgard explained. “After all, he doesn’t want to face my wrath if I ever were to find out he wouldn’t.” 

“I-I know, but... isn't it kind of icky to tell boys when you're on your period?” Bernadetta said. “I mean, I know it's not quite proper. Boys don't have to know all that stuff.” 

Edelgard chuckled. “Hubert doesn't mind. Believe me, I apparently bled all over his trousers last night and he didn’t seem to care much this morning. It's not like he's going to think of you any differently because you're menstruating. If anything it means he'll be nicer to you. He might even offer to carry your weapons or escort you to the infirmary.” 

“I... I know. I know I have a lot of issues, okay? Having a crazy, abusive father kind of does that to you.” She sighed. “I'm really trying to get over them. I come out for breakfast every day now, have you noticed? And I haven't missed a training session in two whole weeks!”

“I have noticed, yes, and I'm very proud of you. You're doing really well.” Edelgard praised her, letting her lay her head in Edelgard's lap where she could rest a little easier. Edelgard stroked Bernadetta's hair soothingly. “It's gonna be okay, Bernie. Don't you worry. Hubert will help us. If I will it, he will make it happen.” 

Petra delivered the ingredients she'd gathered to Hubert. It had taken her roughly two hours to find everything, having to go both to the marketplace and the greenhouse to find everything on the list. Luckily the marketplace had most of it, that lovely Anna woman having most of it for sale, and at a bargain, too!  “Hubert! I am finding all of the items you are needing.” She put them on the ground next to him.

Hubert picked up each jar and pouch and inspected the contents, looking impressed as he nodded at them. He held one jar up to his eyes for inspection, turning it in his hand so he could see the contents at all angles. He regarded Petra with a cool eye. “Excellent, this was exactly what I was looking for. And they're quite good quality, too. I don't know where you managed to get all this in this season, but you simply must introduce me to your potions stock dealer. With this I'll be able to make a brew strong enough to relieve even Bernadetta.” 

“You are knowing about Bernadetta?” Petra asked. “About her condition?” 

“Of course I do.” Hubert said, sitting down to brew. “I did a very thorough background check on all of you when I got the class list for the Black Eagles back in the Academy. Everything from family history to medical history, to specific likes and dislikes to your very food preferences. It's my job, Petra. I do feel bad for Bernadetta, really, I do. Having to menstruate already isn't fair to a woman, it's even more unfair that Bernadetta deals with this sort of suffering. It's akin to torture, and anything I can do to help, I will. I'm just glad it's not happening to me. How on earth do you women live with it?” Hubert said. He sighed and looked at Petra with a surprisingly soft expression. He looked vulnerable in that moment, his eyes holding a warmth and a certain glimmer they usually did not hold. He looked a little pained, as if her eyes were peeling away his very outer skin to reveal something less sinister and more nurturing beneath. His hands actually trembled somewhat as he spoke, as if what he was saying made him crawl in his skin somewhat. 

“You know, I may put up an air of you all being useful to the Empire, and all that, but the truth is, you are my ...f-friends and I do actually, genuinely... c-care about you all. I always did, I'm just not good at...people-ing.” Hubert admitted quietly and rather awkwardly. “I never was. You can blame my bastard of a father for that.” 

He cast his eyes away, and Petra had never before and would never again see such a look of vulnerability in those golden, glittering eyes. “Why do you think I even bothered to try learning white magic? T'wasn't the Professor's will, I'll have you know. I'd like to keep you all around if I can help it. I've grown used to your antics, your dynamic. It's one I can't fathom living without anymore. If we were to lose one of us on the battlefield... Perhaps it's newfound love talking, or perhaps it's simply a dreamer's wish, but I know things would never be quite the same.” Hubert looked down and busied himself in his work. Petra decided to stay behind and watch him. Petra didn't have much of a magical potential herself, but the rituals and languages surrounding magic had always fascinated her. Hubert regarded her with a cool eye for a moment, just long enough to ascertain that she seemed to not be going anywhere, so he simply looked back down and continued to work, accepting that she seemed to be staying. 

Hubert stirred his potion and muttered incantations over it, watching it bubble and boil and shine. It had turned the color of sewer sludge, and smelled....interesting. Petra couldn't quite tell if it was a good smell or a bad smell, but it was certainly a distinct smell. It smelled strongly of vinegar, or perhaps sour milk, perhaps curdled cheese mixed with asbestos. It seemed to keep changing, bubbling away inside the cauldron, the smell becoming more and more rank as it brewed. Petra ultimately decided she wasn't a fan of how it smelled, nor how it looked. When the potion was finished, he poured some of the potion into a vial and held it out.

“Here, drink this. Tell me if you feel any better.” 

Petra made a face at it and did not move to take it, and Hubert wiggled the vial with his hand slightly, urging her to take it from him and drink it. Petra took the vial tentatively, put it to her lips and made a face at the taste as it slid down her throat with an audible gulp. She made a rather amusing and audible sound of distaste, but almost immediately the pain began to ease, and the tight, bloated feeling in her lower gut began to go away. She was able to better sit up straight without discomfort, and the tenderness and raw feeling inside her lightened. She breathed a sigh of relief. “It is tasting like sewage, but it feels very much better. It is working, Hubert.”

[stevie-writes-the-pain-away]

Alcoholics Anonymous - Chapter One

       There are 34,000 species of fish in the world and only four hundred of them are sharks. You're more likely to be killed by a dog than from a shark but I find this complicated to think about, seeing how bad of a reputation great whites have. For the longest time, I struggled as an aquaphobe and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why keeping away from water was better in my head than getting out there and gaining back my long lost courage. I couldn’t even swim with friends in a kiddy pool without convincing myself it wasn’t safe and I was better off ten metres away. But I guess I got myself into enough danger away from water already. Like walking into traffic.

       I felt a rough yank on my arm, pulling me back from the street in what I can only now remember as a blur. I replaced my smudged vision with a clear, blank stare into the oncoming traffic and my heart leapt into my throat as an obnoxious car horn hollered down the street past the corner of the sidewalk. With my hair now in a mess and one of my shaky hands fiddling with my clothes to sort myself out, I turned my head to my left hand, watching tight squeezing fingers wrap around my wrist. I bent and rose my arm so my hand nearly met my face and traced whoever held me to a man standing too close for comfort.

       "You alright, lass?" he asked. His voice rang through my head clearly, blocking any other noise out and his raspy, low accented tone was filled with concern. My eyes lifted from his chest to his face where my sudden shock must've been fooling my eyes. It was as if the man had some sort of green shade blended in with his skin and perhaps even one of his eyes was glowing a soft red, almost pink sort of colour. I just stared at his facial features, unsure of how to answer his question. I took notice to his greasy black hair, unnatural skin which must've not been shaved that morning and foreign scent I'd never experienced before. In a strange way, everything about this man seemed to pull me in and I found myself stuck in a trance as he stared back at me, waiting for an answer. Time stood still and eventually, my eyes wandered to the people who stood around us, staring at me with confusion or frustrated disturbance and annoyance. I looked back at the man in front of me as he watched me with now irritated, furrow-browed eyes.

       As soon as I parted my lips to speak he let go, leaving an empty space between us which, in some dramatic way, made me feel lost. He pulled out his phone from his pocket and held it to his ears, already arguing with somebody on the other side. Just like that, I blinked once more, only to find him gone. In fact, nearly the whole crowd of people by the curb was gone already halfway across the street. Realizing I was supposed to join them, I sped after them, ignoring my embarrassment. I would've rather paid attention to where that man went, I couldn't let him get away without thanking him for saving my life. After attempting to look through the busy crowd in front of me I felt guilty losing hope. There was no way I could find him in this mess, even if that man was someone who stood out so well if you were playing a game of hide and seek like I was. Accepting my failure I sighed and backed up, remembering my plans for the day. I couldn't take the day off and search London for him, could I? I cursed to myself in frustration, quickly escaping the crowd around me and leaving down the other street where the community health clinic was.

       After the fifteen-minute walk I had left, I arrived at my destination, opening the wide glass doors and entering the building. As always, I waved to the lady at the front desk and carried on down the hallway to my left. I headed towards the usual room I arrived at every Tuesday afternoon, pushing the door open and coming face to face with the same familiar and comfortable people. I smiled warmly, looking at the chairs all set in a circle and a few of the typical attendees of the program chatting quietly. They glanced my way before smiling at me then continuing their conversations. I counted four of them in the room so far not including myself or counsellor Phoebe. She stood in the other room holding her clipboard as she, I can only assume, marked off my absence. I sat down in my own little bubble, pulling out my phone to wait for the session to begin.

       I was never one to talk to others in the program. I just sat and listened to their stories and only ever spoke when addressed. Aside from greeting others, saying hello and goodbye, I was probably one of the least talkative people in group therapy. That also meant I'd never opened up about myself as much as the others; some of them barely even remembered my name. I laughed it off to myself, scrolling through the pictures on my phone to entertain myself. As minutes passed, more adults entered the room and I put my phone away, crossing and rubbing my arms as Phoebe walked across the room to close the door. Altogether there were nine of us and honestly, we were all a family in a way. It had just been us the majority of the time, and for months now. We'd watched people come and go, we'd seen people on cloud nine then crash back down and I'd listened to some of the heaviest, heart-wrenching stories I'd ever heard. I guess that was the point of Alcoholics Anonymous, however, in a twisted way. Perhaps the more stories you hear the stronger the determination to not risk drinking yourself to death will eventually become. If you're not already suicidal, that is.

       Phoebe straightened her skirt and sat down, fiddling with the edge of her jacket. She placed her clipboard on the ground and clapped her hands together. "We were supposed to get somebody knew today, but it looks like they may not be coming," she said to herself, her face twisting into slight disappointment. I always enjoyed Phoebe's voice and how she spoke, as well as her overall presence. She always found a way to turn something around and make it feel good, or at least, less of a burden on somebody's shoulders. It sounded cliché, but she was such a beautiful person both inside and out. She was gentle, even in aggressive situations. She didn't need to yell in order to get your attention. After all she had done for her clients, she gained enough respect to have you turn your head towards her and stop everything and anything you were doing when she simply cleared her throat. She had curly blonde hair that just passed her shoulders and bounced above her chest when she walked. Her face was unreal, a living Barbie doll right in front of me whenever I watched her; a natural pale beauty. She had lovely blue eyes that seemed to glow, just like her smile. Even when she didn't look very happy, which was rare, she had a nice shine to her. Everybody listened carefully when she took a breath in to speak. "Well, good morning, anyway," she began. "As I know you're all aware, this program is about thinking of how we can cope, as well as crafting ideas to express ourselves. But I think it's always a good idea to encourage people to speak and release anything inside that they would like to talk about first. Why don't we go around the circle and ask each other how our weekends were?"

       Group therapy most definitely seemed more like a GSA meeting at a middle school with the school's guidance counsellors. To some people, the way Phoebe handled the program didn't feel mature enough for adults who were meant to be thirty to 59, but it surprisingly worked for all of us. Probably because not a lot of us were in our fifties or forties yet. For me personally, it made me feel better to be treated as I would be in high school, but that was just me and for my own reasons.

       I turned towards one of the women as she began to speak, only to be interrupted by the door being swung open with what felt to be no hesitance whatsoever. On the other side of the door was a man, maybe 5'7, dressed in all black. His hand still gripped the handle of the door and he paused, his eyes dancing around the room as if he was awaiting some sort of invitation to enter, even if he had already opened the door.

       "Are you the new attendee for this program?" Phoebe asked, pulling her clipboard back into her lap with enthusiasm.

       "I should hope so, bad first impressions are hard to recover from," the man answered in his low gravely voice. He furrowed his eyebrows at her like he was waiting for her to help solve his confusion.

       She stuttered a little, looking through her list. "A-are you Murdoc?"

       "That'd be me," he smirked and nodded, walking forward and shutting the door behind him. His Cuban heels tapped the floor loudly and he sat in one of the chairs, pulling his leather jacket off and carelessly placing it behind him.

       "Well, lucky for you, we only just started. Perhaps while we talk about our weekends, we can introduce ourselves to you," Phoebe offered, gesturing everybody to turn back to the woman previously talking. As she started over, I found myself looking back at Murdoc. Something about him fascinated me; like maybe I knew him, or we had crossed paths on the sidewalk and his face was still buried in the back of my mind somewhere, waiting to be dug up. I finally lost myself in a daydream, not realizing I was staring. His dark eyes, along with the rest of his bored expression skimmed across the room, absorbing his surroundings. Soon enough his eyes swept over mine and I immediately choked on my breath. His face said it all; green skin, raven black hair, one red eye and sharp jawline in need of a shave. He turned his attention back to whoever was talking but his eyes widened, quickly looking back in my direction. As soon as our eyes met, they were locked, and we each melted into our seats awkwardly. Murdoc hid his discomfort well, but I felt I had the right to say I knew when others felt secretly under attack. He might have looked unhappy to be there, but I couldn't have been more happy and relieved to find him. Right in front of me, I found the man who had saved my life.

       My green knight in shining armour.

[star-anise]

dear star-anise, do you see your therapisting as some form of political activism? or supporting activism? i'm asking bc at uni i used to do activism like being in groups, going to meetings, protests, organising protests, campaigns etc, but now, working as psy/social assistant and being a therapist in training, aka working two jobs, i don't do any of that anymore. i have neither the time nor the energy. there are days when i feel so helpless, impotent and useless bc of that. (1/2)

i feel like all i do is take care of myself, my plants, my friends and family, manage my depression and sometimes do laundry. one of my supervisors says i am "working for peace and good in this world", that i am "helping the helpers". a therapist-friend today said that was true and that once we are out of training and can choose our clients more ourselves that will be true even more so. most days i can see it. what do you think about it? thank you for your blog!

I have... three thoughts on this, I think.

Part of the definition of treason is giving “aid and comfort” to the enemy. Aid and comfort are no little things.For me, posting cat pictures is a form of activism. I use the term “doughnut dolly of the revolution” a bit jokingly, because like Doughnut Dollies used to feel about themselves, I sometimes feel a bit inessential and useless. On the other hand. Most of the hardcore activists I know--the ones who negotiate and form coalitions and go out on picket lines and protest and testify to legislative committees and run nonprofits--are so burned out you can smell the smoke coming out from under their hoods. And have been for years. My girlfriend hasn’t totally recovered from the work she did against GWB’s war in Iraq.  So I do, in fact, aim to be a source of comfort, refuge, and resupply for people who go out and fight on the front lines of social justice. I blog the way I do in reaction to the intense level of media overload people got in 2015 and 16, where they couldn’t even check their fannish social media without getting overwhelmed by world events. So on days when something terrible is happening, I don’t think I can meaningfully contribute commentary or spreading awareness with any more skill or insight than 100,000 people are already doing--but I can reblog cat pictures from a source that’s fundamentally friendly.One major issue I have with leftist activism is that it chronically undervalues work of nurturing, tending, cleaning, and maintaining. Who runs your bake sales? Who tends your wounds? Who cleans your clothes? Who makes food? Who cleans up after? That is a massive amount of work that’s taken absolutely for granted. 

How we choose to work can be massively political. I had a professor, during grad school, who insisted that we could not let clients focus on the systemic problems they faced. If we let them blame anyone else for their problems, he said, they would never improve. (He worked for the US Army, convincing servicemembers that their children’s misbehaviour wasn’t due to having been moved around all the time, their spouse’s anxiety wasn’t related them being redeployed to Iraq for their fifth tour, their own bad moods weren’t related to traumatic brain injury; they just needed to take personal responsibility)And one of the most formative clients for me during my own training was a Black university student who described how everyone in her class called her “sassy” and copied anything she said or did that seemed a little outside the norm, even though she felt that she wasn’t any weirder or louder than anyone else--or was she? Was there really something wrong with her? Was she ridiculous, worth being mocked? She drew in on herself like a setting sun, a star losing lustre, as she questioned herself.I was still feeling my way, as a white girl reading a bunch of work by Black feminists and womanists, but even I knew about Black women being called too loud, too aggressive, too sassy. I very tentatively said, “It’s so upsetting, being picked on in this way that feels unfair and... honestly sounds kind of racist.”“It does, doesn’t it,” she said, and dropped her head into her hands, knees drawn together. “Oh my god! It’s so racist! It’s so fucking racist!” And then she screamed quietly into her palms and did a little dance in her chair, and lifted up her head, and listed off all the things they’d said that they were racist--all the Black professionals and experts in her field they didn’t know when she mentioned them--how frustrating it was--how she’d dealt with racism in the past--how her family dealt with racism in the past--how much she missed her family--the festival she was going to in two weeks to reconnect with her Caribbean relatives.I didn’t have to do anything for the rest of the session, just nod and make encouraging noises. That one little bit of validation linked her back into an entire system of resistance and community that gave her the strength to resist the pressures on her and renew her sense of pride and joy in who she was.

I think there’s a role therapists could have, and often do not have, in leftist movements. I keep thinking about it, but I don’t know how to make it fit. Circling back to “every activist I know has burnout”: The way modern activism is done is very psychologically costly. We have discussions about “mental health and self-care” that kind of look like “BURN CARE WHILE LEAPING OVER LAVA: Remember that the lava is hot! Take frequent breaks to let your feet cool off!” Like, what if we did not have to leap over lava. What if an ordinary person’s activism didn’t have to involve large amounts of outrage, terror, and helplessness to fuel their work. What if we put resources into mental health as well.And like I said, I don’t know what to do with this thought. Should I offer activist group members discount rates? Volunteer with an org as a counsellor? Suggest ways groups could make their members’ mental health better? Take my skills as a mediator into union disputes between nonprofit workers and management? Write articles about how somebody ought to address something about this problem? I’m not actually drowning in good ideas here.I feel like there could be very targeted and effective work that we could do, that often gets ignored or discounted because the Left has a very ascetic bread-and-water, sacrifice-everything-for-the-revolution view of what activism should look like. And maybe we should start talking about it.

[writingjusttowrite8]

Golden (Chapter Four)

Hi friends! I probs sound like a broken record when I say this, but thank you so much to all those who have liked and reblogged these post and given kudos! And a SUPER HUGE thank you to those who’ve commented! I’ve gotten some people who want to be tagged in this, so I’ve started a tag list! If you want to be tagged, just let me know and I’ll add you. Thanks again loves!

P.S.: This is a secondary blog, so whenever I reply to comments on here it’ll pop up as coming from my main one (@galvanator). I’m not really sure how to adjust it and tumblr’s FAQ is, at best, unhelpful. I’m a technologically challenged millennial, so, from the bottom of my heart, my bad. 

You can also read this on AO3!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |

-

I had turned in my paper the following day and had been about to avoid going into his office. Mrs. Peters made some comment of how it was ‘good Mr. Laufeyson finally had a student to challenge him,’ but I’d mostly ignored her. After that, I really hadn’t had much to deal with him. I did the readings, took the quizzes, and kept my distance. It did make my heart soar just a tiny bit, when I got my paper back with a large 99 written at the top, and a note that read ‘Always room for improvement, but it is nearing perfection’. I wanted to forget about everything that had happened prior to us in class, but it was so difficult. More than once, a tall, dark, black-haired stranger invade my dreams and filled me with a lust my hand couldn’t provide for my body. I wanted to forget how his skin felt against me, about how perfectly our bodies collided, but my mind didn’t let me. 

Professor Laufeyson’s class would have most certainly been my favorite if we hadn’t met previously. He was so articulate and well-informed; he made myself and every student get caught up in every word. It didn’t hurt that he looked the way he did. His wardrobe consisted solely of clothing that fit him to perfection. His tall frame was seemingly thin, but he was so strong and hard. I really couldn’t blame any of the other women who had a crush on him; after all, I’d probably have had one too. 

I did my best to be as little noticeable in his class as possible; only arrived exactly on time, turned in all that I needed to turn in, and left promptly as class ended. Everything I finished early, I turned into Mrs. Peters, and narrowly avoided seeing Professor Laufeyson whenever I could. I had nearly memorized his schedule so that I wouldn’t run into him; unfortunately, that meant running into Professor Jinks quite frequently. His leering eyes always made my skin crawl. I could never quite shake the way Loki had warned me about him on my first day. He usually lost interest in my once I was past him, or another girl with better cleavage walked past. But there were instances in which I wasn’t so lucky. 

“You know, dear,” Mrs. Peters started, “Professor Laufeyson will be in shortly. Why don’t you just wait for him and you can give your paper in person. You miss him so frequently, I’m afraid he’s not giving you the proper respect a star pupil like yourself should be given.” A small, hysterical laugh escaped my lips at the irony of her words. 

“Trust me, Mrs. Peters, Professor Laufeyson is giving me the exact amount of respect I require.” I said. She narrowed her eyes at me, not fully understanding what I meant. Luckily (or unluckily), we were interrupted by the loud, obnoxious voice that could only belong to one man; Professor Jinks. 

“My goodness, you come to see Laufeyson so often I’d say you had a crush on him,” Jinks said while walking over to Mrs. Peters and I. I was stunned into silence, my cheeks immediately turning beat red. As it turns our, Mrs. Peters couldn’t stand him either. 

“Professor! You really are too much! Mrs. Alavan is here for academic purposes only. Something you should strive to do as well,” Her condescending tone made me feel a bit better. Jinks merely rolled his eyes, and leaned against the counter where I was standing, effectively blocking me in.

“You know if you really wanted to stand out in Laufeyson’s class, I could tutor you. I offer private tutoring sessions to those… outstanding students,” Jink’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, as they trailed down to my chest.

“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t need tutoring,” I said, tugging my books close and crossing my arms across my chest. Jinks scoffed.

“My tutoring could be of a great service to you; you sure you want to turn that down?” He stepped closer to me and I continued to back up. His intimidating glare made it hard to figure out the right thing to say, so I struggled with words for a moment. But then my savior appeared.

“If anything, Mrs. Alavan could give you some tutoring lessons,” Loki said, standing across the office. I let out a deep breath I wasn’t aware I was holding. Jinks turned to acknowledge Loki, then snapped it back towards me.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that,” Jinks said, finally stepping away. I took my opportunity to quickly walk out of the office, but not without giving Loki a quick nod in thanks. I saw the recognition in his eyes, as well as something else…

It looked like rage.

Since I couldn’t forget, I did the second best thing; avoid. I ended up getting an internship at a publishing company because my classes weren’t filling up enough of my time. I worked, and wrote, and refused to go out with Kate. I didn’t need her abandoning me again, and I didn’t feel like explaining what was so disastrous about last time. Three weeks since I’d gone to his office, had passed, and I was actively minding my own business. Kate, however, didn’t like how filled my schedule was and was growing tired of me refusing to spend time with her. 

“Oh, for god’s sake, Aurelia, its one measly Friday night! You’re literally the smartest person I’ve ever met, going out for 5 hours isn’t going to lower your IQ!” She pleaded through the phone. I sighed deeply, and contemplated just hanging up. 

“I’ve been though this; my work is the most important thing to me. Just because you enjoy going out every night doesn’t mean that I do. I like being able to get ahead in my school work, especially since I’ll be starting my internship soon!” I told her. She whined through the phone. “And I really don’t see how it matters if I go with you or not. Literally every time we’ve gone out together, even back in the states, you found a guy within 5 minutes of being in a bar. You’ll just ditch me anyways,” I said.

“That not true! Well… not entirely. Last time we went you, I very clearly remember you winding up with a handsome stranger who, quite literally, fucked you into oblivion,” She said, and I could hear the smile in her voice. I cringed, my mind flashing back to that night. “I know you’ve thrown yourself into your work to avoid thinking about him, but I have a much better idea than that,” She taunted.

“Continue…” I egged her on. At this point I’d accept nearly any opportunity to get my mind off Loki.

“Come out with me tonight and find a new guy! The best way to get over a man is to be reminded that there are so many others to choose from! If you’re able to find another handsome stranger to rock your world tonight, I guarantee that you’ll forget all about Mr. Tall, dark, and insatiable,” She taunted. Highly unlikely, but I understood her reasoning. I had been left… unfulfilled for a month now. It might be nice to fuck my way out of the hole Loki created. 

“Fine,” I heard Kate squeal when I spoke, “BUT, we can’t go to the same place. I don’t want to run into him once more.”

“Oh, I’m way ahead of you. Theres a bar a few block away from there, that’s a little more catered to students. I’m sure you’ll be able to find exactly what you need there,” She insisted.

I smiled to myself. This is a good thing; in a few hours, Loki will be old news. 

-

A slight knock on the door alerted Loki that there was a presence in his doorway. He looked up from his papers seeing Jinks in the doorway with an evil glint in his eyes. Loki checked his watch, seeing that it was just past 5:30. 

“Plans tonight, Laufeyson?” He asked.

“Not currently. I’d imagine you’re here to change that,” Loki said, leaning back in his seat. Jinks came in, looking around at some of the loose papers on the usually pristine desk.

“A couple of us are going out to celebrate the first month ending. You’ll join us, won’t you?” Jinks framed his words as a question, but Loki knew he wasn’t working his way out of this one. 

But, he had to at least give it a shot.

“The end of the first month means the beginning of exam season. I need to prepare a bit. I’m not sure its the right time to be going out,” He countered. 

“Oh, come on!” Jinks said, not persuaded by Loki’s words. “You’re the most prepared lad in all of Great Britain, surely you can afford one night of fun? All of the fun ones are going, even Candice from history, and she’s always had eyes for you…” Jinks leered. Gross, Loki thought, Candice had eyes for anything with a pulse. Loki huffed for a moment, trying to think of a good excuse before something dawned on him.

“Where would we be going?” He asked Jinks. He seemed to light up at the question, sensing he was getting closer to his goal.

“Sullivans, uptown. You’ve been there?” Jinks ask’s Loki. The name was familiar, but what really mattered is that it wasn’t where he’d met Aurelia. The chance of him running into her again would have prompted a much harsher rejection.

“Fine, but I’ve got to go home to change,” He said, standing up to put on his coat. Jinks slapped his hands together.

“Fantastic! I send you the address and you can meet us there. This will be fun! Even us esteemed professors need a night for ourselves,” He leered in the door way, with a facial expression Loki could only describe as disturbing.

Loki quickly made for his house, not really needing to change clothes, he just wanted a minute to himself. Thinking of Aurelia always threw him off, and he needed a minute to shake the thoughts out of her. But his idea to go home to get her out of his mind probably wasn’t the best plan of action. He’d washed his sheets 4 times since she was there, but every night, without fail, he’d swear he smelled her scent. It was engrained in his head; her smell, her eyes, how she’d exhaled when he’d touch her, like she was burning without his touch. It was too much to forget; not that Loki had done a good job of attempting that. He’d look at other women, and instantly compare her to Aurelia. He’d accidentally brush against a girl and sensed how different her warmth was from Aurelia. Everything reminded him of her, and it was eating at him. Her tiny, black-lace underwear were hidden in the pages of a hollowed out book he use to store sweets in as a child. They were a sweet in their own right, just a different context behind it.

Loki had built up a catalogue of things he regretted in his life, but the morning he left Aurelia was the one that stood out most. He hadn’t been able to sleep, but rather, watched her intently after their night together. Her dark hair fanned out across the pillow, her sweet lips parted slightly, how her hand was so tightly gripped with his; all of these thoughts were burned into his mind. It wasn’t until the early morning he was able even to look away from her. He didn’t have a huge stock in his kitchen, so he didn’t think there would be any harm in stepping out for a few minutes to go pick something up. It was only when he returned to his empty house, her scent already infused in his entryway, he realized what a mistake he’d made. That evening he’d even gone back to the same bar to see if he could find her, but after no sightings and three over-zealous women, he’d left.

Loki didn’t want to feel this way; he hadn’t even wanted to go home with somebody that night. But when he caught her gaze, something drew him in. It was like a rubber band pulled him to her until the collided, making an irreversible mark in his heart. That same rubber band that pulled them together, snapped from the tension and hit him right in the face the day he saw her in class. She was looking down, obviously panicking, but her unmistakable tendrils of hair had given her away. To every other student, he was just taking stock of who was in his class, but the slight clinching of his fist and deep swallow in his throat almost gave him away. 

He knew when he saw Aurelia in class that whatever pull he was experiencing was would need to be squandered, but it wasn’t completely gone. Despite him not wanting to go out, Loki couldn’t help but think this was a good way to finally remove whatever tug Aurelia had on him.

-

My short, velvet skirt didn’t provide a ton of warmth for my legs as the cool wind hit my body. London is such a beautiful place, but its temperature left a lot for a native-Floridan to be desired. Kate walked briskly, her long legs forcing my short ones to nearly run. I looked around at the people standing near the bar and noticed, pleasantly, that this crowd was much more college-friendly. Despite her promising not to abandon me again (I made her recite the mantra ‘I will not abandon you’ in the cab over here), we weren’t two steps inside until she saw someone familiar and ran to the other side of the bar. Great.

I found myself in an uneasy and familiar situation one again and vowed to myself that this was the last time I accompanied Kate to a bar. I noticed some girls that I vaguely recognized in a few of my classes by the bar, and decided that standing near them was better than standing on the wall by myself. Another girl who was in a situation similar to myself, was also seated at the bar, and looked at me curiously when I ordered a drink.

“You’re in Professor Laufeyson’s class too, aren’t you?” She asked, slurring a bit. I nodded my head, taking my drink from the bartender. She stuck out her hand and I shook it.

“Daisy McGee,” She said.

“Aurelia Alavan,” I told her. 

“Where are you from?” She asked, clearly recognizing my accent. 

“Near Miami, but I go to school at NYU. I’m just doing a semester over here,” I explained. She nodded. “What about you?” I asked.

“Near Dublin. Got a nice scholarship to come over here, so…” She shrugged her shoulders and I laughed a bit. “How are you doing in his class?” She asked.

“Not bad; he’s a little stingy on grades though. Gave me a 99 on the first paper because there’s ‘always room for improvement’.” I told her. She looked at me with wide eyes.

“You’re actually able to pay attention? Good god, more power to you. Every time he opens his mouth all I want to do confess my love to him,” She said, resting her head on her hand and looking away from me. I laugh a little bit; partially out of her words, partially out of how ridiculous the situation was. “Even now, there are plenty of eligible bachelors here, but I can only focus on him…” She said, sighing. I looked at her confused.

“What do you mean?” I asked. She pointed into the direction she was looking, and lo-and-behold, Loki was there. His sharp facial features pressed into a stoic expression while he watched the man I’d come to know as Jinks. Jinks was clearly drunk and hanging on the arm of a fake-looking woman, but Loki seemed to be unimpressed. I, on the other hand, was fuming. ‘Would it ease your worries if I told you that I don’t often do this as well?’ his voice rang so clear in my mind from that night. I believed him! Even after everything, I believed that this wasn’t a normal occurrence and that he wasn’t some mid-thirties perv who uses his prowess to influence young women. 

I felt stupid, humiliated, and entirely heart-broken. There was something very comforting about the fact that I was the exception, and now… I felt tears clouding my eyes and my skin burn bright red. Daisy had said something to me, but I was too wrapped up in my furry to notice. It wasn’t until his bight blue eyes cast themselves in my direction, that I felt my body unfreeze. His expression faltered only slightly, but his eyes didn’t leave mine, and I didn’t have the heart to turn away. Finally, I was able to hear over the blood pounding in my ears to see what Daisy had to say.

“Those eyes could peer into my soul. Isn’t he charming?” She said.

“Yeah,” I hopped off the stool, grabbing my bag, “A real charming son-of-a-bitch.” Maybe if Loki hadn’t been captivating her, she would have noticed me stomping off, but thankfully she was too enamored with looking at him. I tried to navigate my way through the still-growing crowd, but a large, pale hand grabbed my waist and began pulling me in a different direction. I turned back to yell at whoever it was, but when I saw his face, my voice fell silent. He gripped me a little tighter when I stopped fighting him, and very delicately pulled me through a door near the back. The cold air of the outside hit my over-heated skin like a ton of bricks. I turned to face the wall to collect my thoughts and make sure we were alone before tearing into him.

“Aurelia,” he started, but I cut him off.

“How dare you! How dare you tell me you don’t do this often! You’re even worse than that Jinks character; at least he has the decency to wear his creepiness on his sleeve. You hide behind that cool exterior and pretend to be one of the good guys, but all you really are is some sleaze!” I huffed. My fist were balled up at my sides and I was stomping around, trying not to look directly at Loki. His firm hands grasped my shoulders, forcing me to stop and take a breath. His eyes were wide and his mouth was set in a firm line. “What!” I yelled at him. 

“Jinks made me come; I didn’t want to. And the only reason I allowed him to choose this place is because I couldn’t risk seeing you again at the other bar. I don’t come here, not to places with students. I would never do anything to make you feel uncomfortable, you must know that,” His piercing blue eyes bore directly into mine.

“You… came here to avoid me? Ha…” I said, somewhat hysterically. “I came here to avoid you,” He finally let me go and I slacked against the brick wall. 

“We really are a pair, aren’t we?” He breathed, mimicking my actions. I slid against the wall until I was seated on the ground, and he followed me as well. 

“Why can’t we seem to stay away from each other?” I asked. I didn’t know if I was asking him, or just the universe in general. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t…” His voice was barely above a whisper, but it rang in my ears.

“No…” I got up and started pacing again, trying to hold back tears and not let him see the one’s that had already fallen. “You can’t say that to me! You hurt me so much; letting me wake up alone like that! I thought it would be easy to just have fun and not get attached, but you woke something in me that just won’t go away now! You left me, Loki, you’re the one-“

“I didn’t leave you!” He yelled. I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him. He stalked over to me and gently slid on large hand on my cheek. “I didn’t leave you, not like that. I wen’t to get breakfast and when I came back, you were gone. I figured you didn’t feel what I felt that night and just left. I wanted to come back and ravish you for the rest of the day and take you on a proper date that night, but you were gone! I didn’t want you to go, I never would have left if I thought you’d taken it as a sign to leave,” his usually strong voice was pleading and soft. 

I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t resist gently pressing my lips to his. He felt so cool and soft, making my beat red skin tingle at the contact. It was a gentle, momentary kiss, but it felt like hours. When I realized what I’d done, I tensed up and quickly broke away. His eyes were closed, and his lips were slightly parted, and he slowly opened up his eyes to me. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done-“ His lips were back on mine, but this time it was feverish. His mouth was hungrily devouring mine, while his hands went to grip me too him. I clawed back at him, pulling him as close to me as possible. He pushed us against a wall and hiked up my leg around his hip. His tongue dove into my mouth and tangled with mine. My arms wrapped around his neck and my hands played with his soft hair. After a while of an intense make out session, he pulled back and rested his forehead on mine, catching his breath. 

“Give me one more night with you… please” He said quietly, letting his warm breath fan across my face.

“Yes.”

-

Forewarning for the next chapter... prepare for Da Smut™.

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[doomonfilm]

Ranking : John Carpenter (1948 - present)

If one were to name off ten American directors from the past half-century or so in rapid fire fashion, I’d be willing to put money on the table that a vast majority would have the name John Carpenter on that list.  His impact on horror, suspense and psychological thriller films is undeniable, and his prolific ability to score his films with iconic music he creates puts him in the realm of legends.  For a director that dwells in the areas usually set aside for disposable box office fodder, it is surprising that at least five of his films (and possibly more, depending on who’s doing the debating) could be consider bonafide classics.

Perhaps the most interesting thing about putting this list together was the discovery and true understanding of just how much range that Carpenter is capable of, even if his films are distinctly his both in terms of genre-based elements and directorial style.  When it comes to the films Memoirs of an Invisible Man (a personal favorite from my pre-teen years) and Starman, I didn’t even realize they were John Carpenter films because they were so different from what I’d come to know him for.  Revisiting the films I was familiar with gave me great joy, and taking in the films I’d overlooked or passed on gave me a deeper understanding of John Carpenter not only as a creative spirit, but as a man trying to stake a claim to his voice in an industry famous for conformity.  

With that being said, I took all eighteen of John Carpenter’s feature length films and ranked them in terms of my personal enjoyment and opinion.  As always, the floor is open for discussion, so feel free to share your thoughts and open up a dialogue, and enjoy!

18. The Ward (2010) I’m going to be 100% honest with you all… coming in to this list, I pretty much had already decided that Ghosts of Mars was going to anchor this list.  Fifteen movies in, it felt like my prediction would come to be.  But then, something funny happened… The Ward showed up in my mailbox courtesy of Netflix DVD.  I watched the film, and so many other films came to mind : Girl, Interrupted… One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest… Shutter Island… Session 9… Unsane… The Jacket… the list goes on and on.  That’s the thing about this film… nearly 40 years in, the last thing you’d expect John Carpenter to be is derivative.  The Ward really wants to be an asylum thriller, a revenge-based ghost story and a period piece, but it never really commits to any of its aspirations, and what we’re left with is 90 minutes of Amber Heard, and in an information age obsessed with cancel culture, what’s going on in her personal life is infinitely more compelling than what she’s going through in The Ward.  There are some good shots of fire in the film, and Mamie Gummer is acting circles around everyone she shares the frame with, but otherwise there’s not much to this one.  Hopefully this won’t be the last film of Carpenter’s career.

17. Ghosts of Mars (2001) If nothing else, Ghosts of Mars is an ambitious film.  What it lacks in coherency, it makes up for in its amalgamation of ideas.  The film is all at once a prisoner transport film, a film about a team of crack operatives, a film featuring a revolt and a tale about respecting the land that you intend to exploit for its resources.  It sets itself up to be a John Carpenter take on Rashomon, with a number of stories being told through a singular unreliable narrator (due to the lack of those left to tell their own story).  While there are some good ideas present in this film, not to mention some wonderful examples of non-traditional casting for an action movie, Ghosts of Mars falls short in its need to be everything to everyone.  The film has garnered a cult following since its release, but as someone who saw this in theaters during its initial run, it still doesn’t do it for me.

16. Vampires (1998) If From Dusk till Dawn isn’t enough to satisfy your Vampire Western cravings, then I humbly submit to you John Carpenter’s swing at the mixture in the form of Vampires.  All the earmarks of both genres are present : a crack team of experts hit hard and early, an undercurrent of religion that neither praises nor damns it, a seemingly insurmountable antagonist with a single-minded blind focus, and even a damsel in distress forced to rough it with the roughnecks.  Like many of his films, the Carpenter score plays unofficial star against the bananas series of events laid out.  Speaking of crazy events, leave it to the likes of James Woods and Daniel Baldwin to take what could be best classified as pulp material and elevate it into the realms of honest entertainment.  While not as flashy or fantastic as some of his previous films, the special effects work is effective (no pun intended), with a nice batch of memorable kills sprinkled throughout the film.  If this film would’ve been made in the 1980s, I would argue that it could’ve been timeless, but unfortunately, it screams of the 1990s in all the ways that make a film dated, which is even funnier when you consider it was released near the end of the decade.  Vampires is fun, but I’d be lying if I called it a classic.

15. Assault on Precinct 13 (1976) Assault on Precinct 13 marks the proper feature debut for John Carpenter, with Dark Star essentially being a glorified student film.  Interestingly enough, the film has a ton of representation across the board in its casting, making it one of the more diverse films released on a major level with its Black lead and strong supporting cast featuring women, Black and Hispanic actors/actresses.  At the time the film was released, the gang problem was going from an underground and isolated situation to more of a widespread panic, and Assault on Precinct 13 provides plenty of subtext in terms of how gangs are viewed, the perception of their impact on the community and, most importantly, their everlasting struggles with the police.  Speaking of the police, there are some subtle jabs at the inept practices of police in terms of administration and the way the handle prisoners, all of which lead to a perfect storm of despair for our protagonists.

14. Escape from L.A. (1996) This film marked the final collaboration between Kurt Russell and John Carpenter, and what an odd one to finalize such a rich and fruitful collaborative relationship.  There are some things about the film that definitely work… Snake Pliskin is (and always will be) magic on the screen.  Los Angeles certainly had the landmarks and the culture suitable for stylizing into a post-apocalyptic labyrinth of dangers.  The statements the film makes on the moral majority and the isolation of people over cultural and ideological differences works as a harbinger for what could be in an extreme example, and has only become more relevant as time has passed.  That being said, this film seems to not know whether it wants to be a comedy on the sly, or whether it’s just accepting of taking the often occasional odd detour for seemingly aesthetic purposes, which makes sense when one realizes that the film spent a decade in development hell simply because Carpenter was afraid to pull the trigger on a script he felt was “too light, too campy”.  While a departure in comparison to Escape from New York, and definitely a tonal shift from the vast majority of the Carpenter films, it does have its moments… unfortunately, the moments are not frequent enough to put this one in the upper echelon of Carpenter’s work.

13. Dark Star (1974) For a debut film, Dark Star already had enough elements to be distinctly John Carpenter… the use of an ensemble cast, DIY special effects, a John Carpenter score, and hilariously, a Kurt Russell facsimile in the form of Cal Kuniholm.  Oddly, this is really the only proper science-fiction film in the Carpenter canon (outside of the flop turned cult semi-classic Ghost of Mars), with several pieces of machinery requiring voice casting due to their intelligence and autonomy.  Dark Star is also unique within the Carpenter legacy due to its reliance on wit, logic and humor more so than star power and wild premises, making it one of the more cerebral films made by Carpenter.  On a personal note, my old friend Thomas spent YEARS trying to get me to watch this film, and after finally taking the time to do so, I’d love to have those years back to commit to the fandom of this film.  It’s sadly been a bit lost to time, but it’s one of the John Carpenter films that I like to recommend the most, as it definitely deserves to be remembered.

12. The Fog (1980) After a massive hit like Halloween, I’m sure expectations from viewers and critics alike was sky high.  With his follow-up after his first foray with fame, John Carpenter released The Fog, a supernatural affair with a much more deliberate pace than anything he’d previously released.  Perhaps it was this slower, more methodical approach, combined with an extremely powerful use of subtle practical effects, that makes The Fog feel more like an uneventful slow burn than it actually is.  More so than any film he’d released previously, The Fog pulls you in over your head into its tone and mood, and while nothing much on the fantastic side occurs, there are levels to visual stimulus used to engulf viewers in an emotion matching those within the world of The Fog.  The sound design for The Fog does a great bit of the heavy lifting as well, which is something that should be noted, as it is some of the best work in that realm that Carpenter and company executed for any of his films.  A subtle masterpiece, but it feels like the victim of being made on borrowed time, kind of like an album made by a band while in the midst of touring their breakout release.

11. Prince of Darkness (1987) In-between two of John Carpenter’s most outstanding and wonderfully outlandish offerings came Prince of Darkness, a deeply methodical slow burn that parks itself firmly in the intersection of science and religion and mines it for horrific fodder.  Tinges of science fiction, mystery, horror, espionage and the supernatural are all working in tandem to create a literal house of horrors filled with intellectuals blind to the proof right in front of their eyes.  As the midpoint of Carpenter’s self-appointed Apocalypse Trilogy (which also features The Thing and In The Mouth of Madness), it certainly continues the tradition of unfolding mysteries and threats that transition from vessel to vessel.  Carpenter’s score is doing overtime in terms of setting the mood, nearly establishing itself as a physical presence in the manner that it accents what is presented visually, and the use of color is a bit more expressive than what is normally found in the Carpenter production style.  The insect motif is also a nice touch, as it serves to literally make your skin crawl moments before traditional scares occur.

10. Christine (1983) On paper, the combination of a Stephen King story told through the lens of John Carpenter sounds fantastic, and Christine is definitely the type of Stephen King story that can fit the Carpenter bill.  Being a teenager can be a frustrating section of life, and for the vast majority, the day that you own a car symbolizes an important step towards maturity and freedom.  Stephen King took this ages old scenario and made it a deeper story about finding yourself outside of the protection and orders of others (be it dictator parents, picture perfect friends or a possessed vehicle), and John Carpenter picks up on every nuance of this subtext.  Outside of Harry Dean Stanton, the film is cast mostly absent those in the realms of star power (and with all due respect, calling Stanton a traditional star is a stretch)... for my money’s worth, I imagine that Carpenter did this consciously in order to let Christine be the star of her story.  Halloween proved that Carpenter knew a thing or two about horror films, and Christine shows that he can apply that formula with such precision that an inanimate object becomes terrifying.

9. Starman (1984) Starman is one of those movies that I’ve always been familiar with, but never took the time to seek out and watch… so much so that I didn’t even realize that it was a John Carpenter film until I started working on this list.  Tonally, the film differs from other John Carpenter offerings, as it has more Spielberg energy to it than it does Carpenter stylings (although it does embrace the use of practical special effects, albeit outside of a battle or shock-based context).  The invasiveness of an alien lifeform morphing into your lost love one right before your eyes is certainly jarring, but it makes for a stellar hook that yanks the viewer right into the heart of the narrative matter.  By using Jeff Daniels’ Starman as a surrogate for someone with no understanding of human customs, Carpenter is able to extoll core human values without coming off as holier than thou or preachy, all the while setting up a buddy road trip scenario in order to accelerate the interaction between his leads and capture some countryside photography along the way.  For a director known for doing the most, Starman is a surprisingly tender venture, succeeding via the use of less from a director associated with always doing more.

8. Village of the Damned (1995) The best thing about Village of the Damned is how much it feels like John Carpenter hitting the randomizer button and striking gold with every bit of output.  Do you dig small creepy towns?  How about unexplained weather anomalies?  Strange occurrences and phenomena?  A cult made up of psychic kids with mind control abilities that woke up and chose violence?  Maybe even a little conspiracy and paranoia?  This film has all of that and then some.  The film actually stands out as one of the best looking in the Carpenter canon, with a surprisingly vivid use of color implemented that offsets the shades of grey the children are bathed in.  Everything about this movie is drenched in a heavy creep factor, especially the performances of the children, who manage to be so pitch perfect in their characterizations that it is genuinely unsettling.  Watching this story unfold is one of the most enjoyable experiences presented by Carpenter, and it stands as an example of when a fascinating concept is met with brilliant execution.

7. Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992) Memoirs of an Invisible Man came out at an interesting crossroads between my budding interest in film, the idling of John Carpenter’s career, and the downward spiral that was Chevy Chase’s career.  Looking at it through an objective lens is rough, but time (and the task at hand) has allowed me to do so, and I find that I still enjoy this film as much now as I did then.  The special effects at the time were downright jaw-dropping, and many of them still hold up.  The practical effects help sell the illusion, so much so that the illusion is implied in points that it would be a budgetary burden and still manages to not distract.  With Chase in the lead, one would imagine that the film would be funny, and while not a comedy, it does allow for several beats of well-timed comedic moments.  At the time, the film’s narrative was panned for being uninspired, but in my opinion, some of the harsh judgement may have come from the expectations set by the careers of Carpenter and Chase.  While not your standard John Carpenter affair, the film does showcase his ability to “play the game” and create solid work, even if it continues to be harshly judged and misunderstood.

6. Escape from New York (1981) When it comes to actors connected to directors, it’s usually not long before the pairing of Kurt Russell and John Carpenter comes up, and Escape from New York marks the genesis of this cinematic bond.  With his traditional good looks, no-nonsense attitude and penchant for sharp wit, Russell was the perfect leading man for Carpenter’s vivid cinematic exploitation ventures.  As for Escape from New York, the city had yet to undertake its Disneyfication of the 1990s, and the movie stands as a bleak vision of what the crime and moral dissonance of the city (and era) could lead to if taken to the extreme.  Creating the worst place in America as an inescapable pit to drop the President into immediately sets the stakes high, and with little to no background, we are given the one man seemingly capable of achieving against impossible odds in the form of Snake Pliskin.  Like some kind of urban Mad Max, Escape from New York gets wilder and wilder as the minutes tick away, making it one of the most iconic New York films to date, and one of the strongest offerings from John Carpenter during his legendary run.    

5. Halloween (1978) The first of many John Carpenter classic films, and arguably the most iconic of the bunch.  Three films in, John Carpenter not only managed to turn one of the biggest profits in independent film history, but he created one of the all time great movie monsters in Michael Myers.  The film put Jamie Lee Curtis on a rocket to success, turning her from a burgeoning television hopeful to a certified rising Hollywood star in just one role.  In terms of pure production, the trend of growth continued for Carpenter as his cinematography gained more freedom of expression, the performances from his actors and actresses felt more natural, and quite possibly most importantly, his scoring ability was hitting maximum resonance, with the main theme of Halloween being equally as iconic as Michael Myers himself.  The film has become an October staple for the masses, but manages to be enjoyable any time of the year due to its sheer ability to entertain and frighten audiences.  If one were looking for a singular example of the John Carpenter aesthetic, Halloween stands out as a smart choice.  Bonus points to John Carpenter for giving the Howard Hawks produced version of The Thing a shoutout two whole films before remaking it.

4. In the Mouth of Madness (1994) Films about collective psychosis are nothing new… be they fodder for popcorn consumption such as Fallen or Identity, or teetering on the realms of art like Jacob’s Ladder, they are always a strong foundation for something memorable.  Maybe that’s why In the Mouth of Madness seems at once exciting and familiar while watching it, as collective psychosis provides John Carpenter with plenty of ingredients to make his trademark-worthy best.  Building an entire referential lore around fictional fiction writer Sutter Cane builds all kinds of abstract immersion layers to explore, especially with direct references (and delightful digs) at Stephen King and his Multiverse.  Sam Neill and Julie Carmen take us by the hand and yank us through the innovative twists and turns with wonderful chemistry, with Neill giving an especially cavalier performance.  The film has a billion and a half production touches that put the creep factors on overdrive, with some of the directing choices nearing the realms of Lynchian.  It’s also a nice touch to hear Carpenter back in the scoring chair (even in a shared capacity).  Films like this one aren’t done justice via rumination, review or commentary… it’s best to just dive in and deal with the repercussions on the other side of it all.  

3. They Live (1988) John Carpenter has made some amazing films in his time, but there are a small chosen few that contain genius-level writing and execution.  Of this upper class of films, it’s arguable that They Live is both the most entertaining and the most thought provoking in terms of what it is saying (not to mention how much more relevant that message has gotten over time).  A damning examination of capitalism, mass consumption, class divides, media influence and the use of police state tactics, Carpenter paints his science fiction with bold strokes of relevant facts that many often choose to ignore.  The action in the film is top notch (including quite possibly one of the best fight scenes ever captured on film between Roddy Piper and Keith David), the makeup work on the aliens is instantly iconic, and the story not only sticks with you, but contains aesthetic elements reminiscent of Jenny Holzer’s influential artwork while being used for an identical purpose.  If this list centered solely on John Carpenter minor box office successes that became top tier cult classics, They Live would likely occupy the top spot.

2. The Thing (1982) The Thing is one of those movies that works on so many levels that it’s hard to fathom.  The shorthand used to set up the story gives you a clear understanding of the situation with minimal use of exposition that is replaced by loads of character and world building.  The threat is initially unclear, but the indication of its eventual impact kicks off the film with context that is only understood after your first complete viewing.  John Carpenter turned over the scoring helm to Ennio Morricone, perhaps the only individual who could score a Carpenter film better than Carpenter himself, and the results are classic.  The special effects work is brilliant, as it is not only initially shocking to see the terrifying transformations the creature undertakes, but it is deeply traumatic in a way that sticks with viewers permanently.  Carpenter could not have asked for a better ensemble cast, especially considering that it seems like everyone came prepared to play team ball rather than try and outshine one another.  It’s always fascinating to me that this film was widely rejected both critically and at the box office upon release, as it took me way too long to get around to this one (and I was only 3 at the time of release).  I’ve always encountered nothing but deep fandom for the film, and rightly so, as this film is a masterpiece that deserves every piece of praise it receives.

1. Big Trouble in Little China (1986) What doesn’t this film do right?  Kurt Russell is giving his all as Jack Burton, and the film beautifully wraps itself around him in a hurricane of action-based slippery slopes.  Setting the film in San Francisco automatically gives it a memorable aesthetic, and locking down the majority of the film in iconic Chinatown is nothing but cinematic gold.  We’re told that we’re going to get an unbelievable story, then we meet our everyman that will guide us along on our journey, but very quickly his expectations (and by extension, ours) are blown clear out of the water, and things continue to escalate at an exponential rate.  Memorable runs in high quantity and quality for this venture… some of the most quotable John Carpenter film lines come from Big Trouble in Little China, his score for the film ranks high among the canon, the special effects are electrifying (pun intended), the action is high octane, and the martial arts is treated with complete respect in its presentation.  Outside of They Live or Vampires, this is arguably the most fun film of the Carpenter collection, and is almost guaranteed to turn the unfamiliar into fans.

[mergersacquisitionsadvisory]

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Sticking to at least one place for a number of days is a fun method for locating the nuances of 1 small town. Alternatively, another really helpful travel method is choosing multiple locations to go to and luxuriate in a little taste of every thing each community has to offer. The highway-journey-worthy Oregon Coast Highway 1 makes for a great route to follow along the coast. Health Haven Vitamins is a vitamin retailer on the attractive Oregon coast. We carry a large selection of vitamins, minerals, herbs, homeopathics, tinctures, essential oils, pores and skin-care products, pet supplements, and much, much more. Health Haven Vitamins offers nutritional consultation by appointment. Featuring turning instruction and supplies from our store in Newport go here.

Beachgoers can head to nearby Fort Stevens State Park (which topped our ranking of Oregon's finest state parks) but there's more than sufficient to do on the town. Cannon Beach may be one of the best-recognized seaside town in Oregon, due to its proximity to Portland and the photogenic Haystack Rock. The town can get overcrowded shortly, turning some visitors away. But crowds and food costs are the one strikes in opposition to a town that in any other case has a lot to offer. Route a hundred and one, we have dared to rank the very best cities on the Oregon coast.

Cannon Beach’s exceptional specialty outlets, boutiques and galleries are a prime attraction in this charming seaside town where you’ll discover no buying malls or chain stores in sight. During a calming stroll via our compact village, you may uncover distinctive wines, fashions from regional and international designers and sweets from a fifth-era sweet retailer.

<h2>Decide Of The Litter Thrift Store</h2>

He stayed as close to humans as he could, in a chilly, shallow bay the place he died of pneumonia at a young age. While vacationing in Lincoln City we discovered a cute little shop that options Rocks.

The workers have been very educated about what was of their store and local options. They have on employees individuals who can establish what you discover on the seashore. The prices had been affordable and the workers have been very friendly. Both Missa and Mike had been enthusiastic, pleasant and very knowledgeable concerning the native rocks on the beaches. Missa gave me a radical but simple to grasp lesson on the different types I may find on the seashore, and one of the best occasions and places to look. She and Mike recognized what I found the next day, and did not bat an eye on the large variety of rocks I brought in--day after day!!

<h3>More Oregon Coast Picks</h3>

With those elements in mind, we have winnowed all the cities along the coast to 10, with representatives from the north, central and southern stretches. Some beloved seashore cities were left off the listing , but not every seaside city may be good. The excellent seaside city should balance a variety of various sights, accommodations and access to natural magnificence, with each retro charm and trendy facilities. While COVID-19 has compelled us to distance ourselves from the locations we love, present certificates will give individuals something to sit up for — and help coastal points of interest stay afloat. For swell seekers, book a future personal surf session with NW Women’s Surf Camps.

Or merely admire the world’s stunning beauty with a visit to the Heceta Head Lighthouse, a fifty six-foot lighthouse inbuilt 1894. Stroll via the colourful Historic Old Town of Florence, nestled alongside the river, the place you possibly can pop out and in of art galleries, vintage retailers, eating places and charming boutiques. A reward card for a weekend getaway will give family members — and coastal motels — a light-weight on the horizon. Lighthouse buffs will love the historical Heceta Lighthouse Bed & Breakfast, and there’s nothing more romantic than watching the ships go by from a room at Astoria’s Cannery Pier Hotel.

Shoppers will find panoramic, coastal, mountain, city, rivers and waterfalls and black and white pictures for buy. Customers is not going to solely find unique jerky additionally they have unique edible items and snacks including, native jam, jelly, syrup, raw honey, wild mushrooms, nuts, dried fruit and extra.

<h3>Clothes And Designs On The Oregon Coast</h3>

Surrounding Haystack Rock to the north and south, a white-sand seashore invitations sunbathing, sandcastle building, and infrequently good circumstances to fly a kite. Extending from the seashore, Ecola State Park to the north and Oswald West State Park to the south encourage headland exploration. Less than two hours from Portland by automobile, Cannon Beach is one of the most popular small cities on the coast. Its popularity doesn't just have <a href="https://oregonsnorthcoast.com/what-to-do-at-the-oregon-coast/activities/oregon-coast-shopping/">Oregon Coast shopping</a> to do with its proximity to Portland though; the world's gorgeous scenery does well to draw vacationers from internationally. Explore your options with our list of the most effective small cities along the Oregon Coast. A nice variety of kitchen gadgets, each factor you all the time needed and never knew existed.

Known because the Northwest’s original surf shop, Cleanline carries the biggest selection of surfboards and wetsuits within the space. They have high quality equipment for your whole surf, skate, kayak, and kitesurf needs. For rooms with a view, both the Adobe Resort and Fireside Motel are positioned next to a rocky shoreline that all the time places on a singular tidal show. Well regarded as the Whale Watching Capital of the Oregon coast, Depoe Bay's western edge is defined by a wonderful cliffside that's excellent for recognizing whale spouts. Alongside this nice migratory vantage level, whales are common because of a resident pod of gray whales that call Depoe Bay house from March via December. The sand and surf of Seaside is the primary draw, and on sunny summer time weekends, anticipate crowds of people enjoying the wide and accommodating stretch of shoreline. Alongside tons of of individuals, the beach additionally accommodates major summer events, just like the world's largest amateur seashore volleyball event.

Situated on the mouth of the Siuslaw River on the coast, Florence is a lively town with a few of the area’s hottest outdoor destinations. Visitors journey far and broad to discover the Sea Lion Caves, a privately owned wildlife protect frequented by sea lions. You can also rent a dune buggy to adventure by way of the Oregon Dunes National Recreation Area, which features forty miles of wind-sculpted sand dunes alongside the coast.

Alongside diverse storefronts, Nye Beach additionally supplies walk-up access to the rolling waves of the ocean. Things Rich and Strange is also a group of worldwide treasures, a gallery of these issues treasured and exquisite. Our customers worth our private touches and high quality merchandise. Immerse your self within the most interesting bathtub & physique care, choose a whimsical card or stationary merchandise, discover a distinctive reward for a pal or yourself, jewellery, sweatshirts, candles and so much more. Tablecloths, napkins, dishes, pot racks, lighting, hardware, rugs, soaps, candles, art work, furniture. offers consumers the chance to select from a wide variety of hand-made glass floats and bowls, or to make one themselves.

Florence makes a great base with locations like Oregon Dunes National Recreation Area to the south and Heceta Head Lighthouse to the north. The metropolis itself is fun to explore on foot, and some of the finest in-town views embody the southern Siuslaw River Bridge in the background. Places like Ocean Breeze Motel in Florence offer a coastal appeal with inexpensive rates. Encompassing the far northwest nook of Oregon and the Oregon coast, bordered by the Pacific Ocean and Columbia River, Astoria is an enchanting metropolis with a long history tied to the area. Founded more than 200 years in the past, Astoria was constructed by fur trappers, logging operations, and fishing industry. This well-liked place for beach wandering can also be a National Wildlife Refuge teeming with wildlife, particularly seabirds.

You'll discover over eighty specialty retailers and 12 eateries at this Salem mall positioned simply off of I-5. Stores embody Sears, Macy's, Best Buy, Old Navy, Linens-n-Things, Pier 1 Imports, and Sports Authority.

Newport Liquor Store

Sadly, some properly-meaning idiots figured it might be a good suggestion to try reintegrating a whale that had by no means caught a stay fish into the wild—just like the movie. After bouncing around pods of wild whales and performing like a standoffish weirdo because he didn't perceive their ways, Keiko confirmed up in Norway, offering random children rides on his back.

Our perspective is of tourists on a day trip or longer keep, considering all that goes into an excellent trip. The buying districts of the Oregon Coast hold it secure with face coverings required. If you know someone who dreams of the Coast even after they’re landlocked, think about giving them a gift this vacation that transports them to the place they love. Oregon’s windswept dunes have been round for over one hundred,000 years and will be waiting for them on their subsequent visit.

See resident grey whales from the shore at Boiler Bay or on a whale watching tour. Stay at upscale hotels just like the Channel House and Whale Cove Inn, or e-book one of the many condos and seaside houses on the town. Depoe Bay is designed for visitors in each the sunny and wet months, which gives it an enormous leg up over different coastal cities. Doe & Arrow in Astoria focuses on Pacific Northwest designers and ethically sourced women’s clothes, plus cute rompers for little ones. In Newport a hundred and one Local by Specifically Pacific provides up amazingly delicate hoodies, joggers and equipment designed for the Pacific Northwest mind-set. Everything here is designed locally and hand-printed with ocean-pleasant inks.

The dramatic coast in Yachats draws guests to this coastal group of fewer than 1,000 residents. On Oregon's northern coast, south of Cannon Beach, Rockaway Beach is a small city with greater than seven miles of uninterrupted shoreline. It's this long patch of gorgeous oceanside scenery that draws vacationers to this metropolis of simply over 1,000 people - and it is the pleasant community that makes for a snug stay. Inland and surrounding the town, the Siskiyou Mountains present a shocking backdrop and much more to discover. The lengthy stretch of beach adjoining town can also be an excellent place to spend the day beachcombing, tide pooling, or simply absorbing the sun.

Blue is also a trainer, and enjoys passing on his vast data to novices and experienced painters alike. Voyages Toys offers lots of of authentic board video games, card games, comedian books, puzzles, arts and craft gadgets, toys for youthful children, plush toys and the very popular Mystery Boxes. Visitors to The Whet Spot will find 20 rotating taps for craft beers and ciders, a growler filling station, wines by the glass and over one hundred fifty bottles within the cooler to take with you. Shamous'es Rocks is the place guests will discover a wide range of rocks, fossils and gem stones.

<h2>Seaside Principally Hats</h2>

As one of the Seven Wonders of Oregon, the Oregon Coast is full of towering cliffs, sand dunes, sea stacks, mighty waves and evergreen timber. Not to say, the coast is lined with numerous tiny cities, completely positioned to enjoy the Pacific Ocean and all the sweetness and marvel it has to supply.

<ul><li>Cannon Beach’s exceptional specialty outlets, boutiques and galleries are a top attraction in this charming seaside town where you’ll find no buying malls or chain shops in sight.</li><li>You can also hire a dune buggy to adventure through the Oregon Dunes National Recreation Area, which features 40 miles of wind-sculpted sand dunes along the coast.</li><li>During a relaxing stroll by way of our compact village, you would possibly uncover distinctive wines, fashions from regional and international designers and sweets from a fifth-technology candy retailer.</li><li>Situated on the mouth of the Siuslaw River on the coast, Florence is a energetic town with some of the space’s hottest out of doors locations.</li><li>Visitors travel far and wide to explore the Sea Lion Caves, a privately owned wildlife protect frequented by sea lions.</li></ul>

Grocery, deli, bakery, pharmacy, jewellery, outside supply, sporting goods, electronics, clothes and extra. We inventory bikes from Trek, Transition, Gary Fisher, Haro, Redline, Klein, LeMond. We have something for everyone; jewellery, hand crafted items, crystals, suncatchers, distinctive items. Effective December 18, 2020, Lincoln County is underneath an "Extreme Risk" category designation for reopening. This signifies that additional restrictions are in place at this time, which can affect businesses, points of interest and services. As the sun melts into the Pacific and lights twinkle up and down the coast, Lincoln City comes alive with eating, exhibits, concerts and more.

Sure, otters are nice—but we cannot have any more otters until we get seaside erosion under management. From classic retailers & boutiques to galleries and book stores, Downtown Astoria offers a wide array of shopping. Explore our eclectic historic district crammed with wonderfully fascinating people and places that provide a real Astoria experience. Newport is a must-go to for anybody making the legendary trek up or down the 101. This charming coastal town has lots for marine enthusiasts to do and see — from the Hatfield Marine Science Center to the Oregon Coast Aquarium. Plus, you'll be able to absorb uninterrupted ocean views from just about wherever along the coast in Newport. You can even pattern a number of the state’s best seafood right here, significantly at Local Ocean Seafoods.

Mimi's carries fresh flowers, crops, silk preparations, balloons, presents, and domestically made candy. They additionally do special occasions, weddings, funerals, and flowers for all occasions. SunRose Gallery is filled with whimsical and fascinating objects. Shoppers will find mosaic artwork, paintings, glassware, art from local talent and extra. The Heron's Nest features a large choice of gifts, collectibles and souvenirs for all ages. Also it’s Christmas year-spherical at The Heron's Nest with traditional and beach theme decor and items for the vacations.

[misssophiachase]

Love Me Like You Do

I stumbled upon a video of the TVD cast at Paley Fest in 2012 which inspired me to write this. Thanks to Candice for the inspiration! This is my take on part of the episode “The Murder of One” (3x18) which is actually one of my fave eps.

Caroline looked up at the foreboding Mikaelson mansion. She hadn’t been here since that night. The night she went to the ball at his invitation, gifted her a gorgeous dress and sketched her that picture. The one that was now firmly emblazoned on her brain. She felt slightly dizzy as the image filled her mind but decided to blame it on her lack of blood intake that day. 

She was here to do a job and had every intention of succeeding even if it meant she had to see Klaus again.  She thought back to their strategy session in the woods earlier that day. 

“Why do I have to be Klaus bait?” She huffed. 

“Because he’s obsessed with you,” Damon countered. He actually had a point but Caroline didn’t feel the need to agree with the arrogant Salvatore and just rolled her eyes by way of response. 

This tactic was getting really old for Caroline. Not just because she had to put up with the Original Hybrid and his attempts at wooing her with romantic drawings and gifts but because for once she wanted to be the one in the middle of the action. Yes, out of character some would say, but if it meant unlinking Tyler from his freaky sire bond with Klaus then she was more than willing to help. 

“Can I help you?” She turned to see Rebekah, arms folded across her chest on the front doorstep.  Caroline fought the urge to roll her eyes, if they’d given her the white oak stake then this could have been done by now. 

“I’m here to see Klaus.”

“Is it April Fools Day or something?” She chuckled wickedly. “Last time I checked you only use my brother when you want gifts. What exactly do you want now?”

“He chose to give them to me, Rebekah,” she growled, remembering why she hated the spoilt, blonde Original. “But there’s something I need to speak with him about.”

“Well, you’re going to have to get through me first,” she insisted, flicking her hair over her shoulder impatiently. 

“Funny,” she murmured, moving a little closer. “I thought you’d be too busy plotting revenge on Damon.”

“Damon?”

“I know if a guy ignored me like that after sex, I’d be pretty pissed,” she offered, noticing the once confident Original’s expression change instantly. 

“You know about that?”

“He’s telling everyone and between you and me...” before she could finish her sentence Rebekah was gone in a vamp speed haze leaving the front entrance clear. She couldn’t help but smile given she’d moved along their plan and that Damon was probably going to get his ass kicked. Given his earlier comments and, personality in general, she wasn’t quite unhappy about that. 

She looked at the door ominously, knowing she had to go in and begin mission distraction. After all her previous practice, Caroline wasn’t too concerned about her talents. 

“Klaus?” She called out, noticing the house was relatively dark and quiet compared with the night of the ball. “Klaus?”

Still nothing. She walked through the rooms half expecting Kol to jump out and offer some attempt at a witty joke or Elijah to give her a stern lecture about trespassing. 

She entered what looked like the study, plush furnishing with a fire crackling away in the corner. What caught her eye though was the artwork sitting atop the mantle. The likeness in that blue dress was breathtaking and she thought his horse sketch was impressive. 

“I never took you for the break and enter type, love,” a familiar voice offered. She tore her eyes from the painting and to its source seated on one of the chesterfield lounges while hunched over a laptop.

“Number one, I didn’t do any breaking of the sort and, number two, it’s not my fault Rebekah doesn’t understand the basic concept of hospitality.”

“I’ll agree, it’s probably not her best trait,” he noted, his crimson lips curving into a sly smile as he finally looked up from the computer screen. “So then, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Caroline froze momentarily, deciding to blame it on the stray dimple he decided to flash in her direction, no doubt on purpose. 

“I was, uh, bored.”

“And here I hoped you were going to thank me for that sketch,” he murmured, his gaze now falling back onto the lit up screen. “So, they asked you to distract me again? You need to tell the Salvatore brothers that tactic is getting a little old.” Caroline couldn’t have said it better herself. 

She heard a ding from his computer, followed by another his face concentrating on whatever he was doing. “You do know it’s rude to ignore a guest?”

“Says the blonde distraction,” he smirked, still not bothering to look at her. Bastard. 

“What exactly are you doing?” 

“I’m networking.”

“Online? I’m impressed that the thousand year-old knows how to communicate in more modern ways.” She said, making her way to the couch so she could satisfy her curiosity. Usually his attention was firmly focused on her and for some reason it bothered her that it wasn’t right now.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asked, lowering the screen defensively. A number of beeps sounding out again. 

“Are you on match dot com by chance,” she surmised, that particular noise sounding familiar. 

“I’m on no such thing,” he growled. His denial told Caroline that was exactly what he was doing. She was shocked to say the least, especially given he was supposed to be obsessed with her and not some randoms on a website.

“Yes, you are,” she argued, manoeuvring herself onto the couch quickly and stealing his computer in the meantime. 

“And how exactly do you know that anyway? Already bored with Tyler?” Caroline scowled by way of response. Of course he had to bring up Tyler. She decided it was best to just steer clear of that conversation given how jealous he usually got.  

“Who knew the ‘most powerful creature on earth’ needed dating assistance.”

“Thanks for the compliment, sweetheart,” he teased, still avoiding the subject.

“Didn’t you notice I used air quotes?” She scoffed before perusing his profile onscreen. His picture was on point but that was no surprise given just how handsome Klaus was, even though Caroline would never admit that to him. “What the hell kind of profile is this, Mikaelson?”

“What’s wrong with it?” He asked defensively. “I’ll have you know I worked on that for a good couple of hours.”

“It says your hobbies are wreaking havoc and committing mass murder,” she squeaked.

“Well, it’s the truth.” She didn’t reply just kept scanning it in disbelief.

“Your listed likes are general suffering, AB Negative and cemeteries after dark.”

“You forgot to mention blondes with blue eyes,” he gestured to the screen proudly. They were now sitting rather close, his thigh rubbing up against hers. “Look, so many people lie on these things, at least I’m being honest.”

“Dislikes,” she read, unable to stop. “General happiness, unicorns, sunshine and rainbows.”      

“Oh come on, tell me I’m wrong,” he drawled. “Plus, look how many hits and messages I’ve received.”

“Sophie from Indiana,” she muttered, looking at the picture. She was mildly attractive and mildly normal from her picture until further investigation. “Woah, she likes whips, chains and bondage. Seriously, Klaus?”

“I wouldn’t rule anything out.”

“Who are you, Christian Grey?” She asked, referring to the leading character in the Fifty Shades trilogy. 

“He wishes,” Klaus muttered. Caroline was surprised he even knew what she was talking about. For some reason this news didn’t sit well with her at all. How could he possibly like her when he supposedly wanted these women? 

“So, what you’re telling me is that you like girls like this?” She asked pointing to Lisa from Pittsburgh, dressed skimpily in head-to-toe black with heavy make-up and multiple piercings. 

“I might,” he stuttered. She could tell by the slight blush he was becoming decidedly uncomfortable. “Why do you even care, Caroline?”

“I just thought you had better taste,” she uttered, her eyes flickering again to the portrait he’d drawn of her. 

“I do,” he answered simply, placing his finger under her chin softly and turning her gaze back to his dark, blue orbs. “Unfortunately girls like that don’t go for men like me.” She could sense the raw vulnerability in his voice and that teamed with his touch was messing with her composure. 

“Well, with that profile what do you expect,” she mumbled. When she came over here it was to distract Klaus, not the other way around. “I can just imagine some innocent girl taking a liking to that and telling her mother she met this guy who likes to murder people but other than that, he’s a real charmer.” 

She could actually see that conversation playing out with Liz, believe it or not, but decided to put that particular scenario at the back of her mind. “So, what do you suggest, love?”

He had leaned forward now, his chest mere inches from hers and those tantalising lips just waiting to be kissed from such close proximity. “Uh, I suggest,” she stammered, standing up so fast and taking him by surprise. “A new and improved profile.”

“You’d help me?” 

“I feel it’s my responsibility, not just to you but all the poor unsuspecting girls out there.”

“And funnily enough it’s the perfect way to distract me too.” 

“Maybe.” She said without thinking. If he was going to be honest the least she could do was be the same. Surely her friends had this under control given they didn’t need her help in the first place.  

“Well, let’s get started then, love.”  

On FF HERE

[daisydoctor13]

This is the sound of my soul (Berena fic)

Rating: General audiences

St. Cuthbert’s School for Boys & St. Winifred’s School for Girls Class of 1983 invites you to prom night. Friday 15th July 6:30pm. Black Tie, Formal Dinner and DJ.

“You’ve got to go Serena you’re the head girl. What head girl doesn’t go to the prom? It’s right up your street: music, dancing, smuggling alcohol in and having your wicked way with half the boys at St Cuthbert’s.”

Serena pouted at Bernie, who was lounging on her bed idly flicking through her chemistry textbook, not trying to study at all, and distracting Serena in the process. Not that Bernie needed to study, she had the infuriating ability to cram the day before an exam and come out with incredible grades, when Serena had slogged all year round. If they weren’t best friends, they’d be at each other’s throats most of the time.

They were, to begin with. Bernie’s surliness and reluctance to make friends when she started at St Winifred’s, which she regarded as punishment by her parents who wanted her to act like a ‘proper lady’, meant she pushed everyone away. That was an insult to Serena, who made it her duty to befriend every new girl, and took it personally when Bernie rejected her advances. They both competed for top in the class, Bernie regarding Serena as a swot, teacher’s pet, and Serena hating Bernie’s effortless academic ability. And sporting prowess, and musical talents (although Bernie later admitted that she absolutely hated the violin, and was only good because her parents forced her to practice at home).

 “Ha, smuggling alcohol in? I think that’s your area of expertise, anyway, if the head girl has to go, surely Hockey and Lacrosse captain needs to be there as well? Especially the one that has dragged St Winifred’s to the top of the league from pretty much the bottom?”

Bernie’s smile dropped from her face. Prom was not her idea of fun, and she had been planning on avoiding it. She didn’t feel any particular nostalgia or link to this school, the only true friend she had was Serena and she didn’t want to be hanging around her all night, when Serena was the life and soul of the party.

 It was Bernie who reached out to Serena. During their O level year, Serena’s father fell ill and she was worried about him. Being so far away meant she only knew what her mother told her. Which wasn’t much, because Adrienne wanted her to focus on her exams rather than fret. The lack of information only made her fret more, and her grades slipped in a few tests.

When the result of one biology assessment was released, Bernie quickly glanced up at Serena across the room, she was quite far down the list. Serena couldn’t bear the thought of Bernie aloof and gloating and swept out of the room. If she’d looked properly she’d have only seen concern in those hazel eyes. Bernie followed her, found her in the toilets splashing water against her face and doing her best not to cry. But instead of being patronising or smug, Bernie simply patted Serena’s shoulder and said “I’ve got whiskey in my dorm, if you want?”

That evening they clambered onto the roof from Bernie’s room, passing the bottle of whiskey between them. A large tartan blanket behind a turret made Serena think Bernie probably spent a lot of time up there. She draped the blanket over the two of them and sat as close to Serena as possible without actually touching. Bernie didn’t pushed her to talk, but gazed out over the school grounds.

Serena didn’t know what it was about Bernie, but she found herself telling this girl, to whom she’d barely spoken two words, everything. Her father’s illness, her mother’s high expectations, how despite her apparent popularity in school, she didn’t feel like she had anyone that she could trust, who understood her and knew the real her. She portrayed the person she thought the other girls would like, and sometimes she felt like a fraud. Bernie listened, nodded but never interrupted, letting her get it all out, awkwardly patting her knee and offering a tissue when she cried.

After that, they became closer. Their trips to the roof were more frequent although Serena brought coffee or chocolate rather than alcohol, not wanting to drink in the run up to exams. Bernie opened up, about her strict parents, their disapproval of her tomboy looks and desire to join the army when she became a doctor. Her father didn’t think the army was a place for ladies, wasn’t even particularly keen on women being doctors. The rest of the girls in their year were puzzled by the developing friendship between two rivals. They were still fiercely competitive, every assignment and test they battled to get top spot, but there was no animosity between them anymore.  

 “Why don’t you want to go, Serena?”

At this Serena sighed and shut her book, knowing she wouldn’t be getting much more done. Why didn’t she want to go? Bernie was right, it was her idea of a great night. But when Bernie had said she wasn’t going, she had gone off the idea. Celebrating their last year at school, the rite of passage into adulthood wouldn’t be the same if her best friend wasn’t there.

But how could she say that to Bernie? It sounded needy, and she knew Bernie was reluctant to go. She couldn’t force her, because if Serena said that, Bernie would of course agree to go, even though they both knew she wouldn’t enjoy it.

“I don’t know Bernie, I guess it’s just difficult to think about enjoying myself when we’ve got exams coming up.” Bernie pursed her lips, she didn’t believe her but was willing to let it drop.

“In that case, you’ve got to go. You’ll need it after all the hard work you’re putting in.” She picked the textbook back up and Serena hoped that would be the last she heard of it.

*

It wasn’t, although it wasn’t specifically Bernie that brought it up. The weekly post hand out during Saturday breakfast caused a bit of a stir. They couldn’t quite see what was going on, but a lot of the girls were squealing and giggling in delight. It soon became apparent as a large cream envelope, heavy paper and dark blue ink, dropped in front of Bernie’s plate. This was the biggest shock of all. She never got post, once a term she received a brief note from her parents, short and factual, telling her family news and what she would be doing over the holidays.

It was immediately obvious this wasn’t from her parents. The hand writing on the envelope was large, clumsy and the ink had been smudged a little. The main giveaway was the rose taped across the corner, causing Bernie to gape at the letter.

“This can’t be mine!” She exclaimed, as girls crowded behind her, eager to see what the letter contained.

Serena quirked an amused eyebrow at her friend. “Do you know any other Berenice Wolfes?”

Bernie looked up at her from the letter, hands trembling. Who could have sent this to her, was it a joke, a dare? She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks, feeling claustrophobic with the crush of bodies peering over her shoulder.

Serena stood, pulling her up and leading her out of the hall, away from embarrassment. Bernie hated being the centre of attention. She wanted a reputation based on her academics or accomplishments and did not want to be subject to gossip or humiliation. Serena knew this and made a loud excuse of needing to finish an essay.

They went straight up to the roof, although they were in final year now and had the privilege of their own rooms, it was still a place that they both liked to share, no chance of any disturbance. Serena leant against the wall as Bernie slumped down and ripped open the envelope. Inside was a short note that Bernie read, her furrowed brow soon disappearing up into her fringe as her expression turned incredulous.

“It’s an invite!” She exclaimed, waving it at Serena. “To go to prom with Marcus, of all people!” Serena caught the paper and skimmed through the note. It seemed genuine, no hint that it could be a hoax, his mates egging him on.

Bernie,

You have been a good friend to me for the past year and helped me enormously with the rugby team, when you had no obligation to. I admire you and although I have never had the courage to tell you, I think you are wonderful. Would you do me the honour of accompanying me to the prom?

Yours,

Marcus

She glanced up at Bernie who was pacing across the short space furiously. “Why would he ask me? Like this, so publicly? Who does he think he is? We’re friends, when have I ever given him reason to think I might be interested in him like that?”

She stopped and stared at Serena, hoping she could answer these questions, tell her how to let him down, say anything. She was just as clueless, unfortunately. “I’ve got to tell him no, and he’s got a typical fragile male ego. He won’t like it.”

Serena bit her lip and sighed. She could see Bernie was furious. Sending a letter to her, knowing she’d get it in front of her peers. Marcus should have known Bernie wouldn’t have liked it, although he clearly couldn’t read Bernie well anyway, if he thought she would go to prom with him.

 “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Marcus recently,” Serena smirked at her, after she had come back from a long training session, followed by a coffee with the rugby captain at St Cuthbert’s, their brother school. Bernie frowned in confusion.

“We were planning the charity match, and I was helping him with some management tactics. His vice-captain is causing trouble, saying he’d be a better captain. Honestly, I thought girls were meant to be the bitchy ones.”

Serena quirked an eyebrow and chuckled at her. The realisation of what Serena had been implying dawned on her. “Oh, right, no I’m, uh, not really interested. In him.”

She nodded in understanding, Bernie had never shown an interest in the boys at the other school, her parents would say she was there to learn, she merely stated she was perfectly content as she was.

“Does he know that, Bernie?”

She hadn’t thought about that before. It hadn’t occurred to her that Marcus, well, any boy would be interested in her like that. Partly because she wasn’t a typically attractive girl - untameable hair and gangly limbs - and she couldn’t imagine anyone looking at her when her best friend was Serena McKinnie. Radiant, confident, flirty. Everything an eighteen-year-old boy could want, and more.

“You know half our year would kill to go out for coffee with him. Captain of the rugby team, total hunk. Some girls can be so shallow.”

Bernie chuckled at this, knowing Serena could be just as bad. “Hmmm, I guess,” she agreed. Yes, Marcus Dunn was physically fit, broad shoulders, strong arms. She should find him attractive, but she didn’t. “Not really my type.”

Something flashed in Serena’s eyes - acknowledgment, understanding, but she didn’t anything, was about to move on to a new topic of conversation. The words tumbled from Bernie’s lip, she couldn’t keep it from Serena any longer. If she spoke slowly the words would dry up, she couldn’t be sure how Serena would react. It was too late now.

“Not my type, at all, be-because I like, um, girls. Yeah, I’m- I mean- I’m gay, Serena. I don’t want to keep it from you. You’re my best friend, and I can’t bear you not knowing. Is- is that okay?”

Serena’s face softened but Bernie glanced down, not wanting to meet her eyes, not knowing what she expected to see there.

“Of course, it’s okay, Bernie. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me. I didn’t want to push you into saying anything, but I’m glad you found the courage.”

“I wasn’t sure how you’d react. You’re the first person I’ve- hang on, what do you mean you’ve been waiting for me to say it?”

Serena playfully bumped her with her shoulder, trying to ease her friend’s awkwardness, show her rather than tell her that it didn’t matter, nothing to worry about.

“I’ve noticed little things, here and there. Don’t worry it’s not obvious, not to people that don’t really know you. But don’t try and tell me again that your stumbling pronunciation in French O Level was because you were rubbish at languages. You could do it perfectly in group work, but as soon as Miss Jessop asked you a question you could barely speak English, let alone another language.”

Bernie flushed at this, it was true she had a crush on the lovely French teacher, but she was a little worried that other people had noticed.

 “How do I tell him no, Serena? I can’t tell him the truth, I don’t trust him enough not to tell everyone,” she trailed off. Since coming out to Serena, she had felt more at peace. They didn’t talk about it a lot, the walls of the boarding school had ears and very few people were accepting of homosexuality. She was happy that her best friend knew, and still accepted her. That was enough.

“He’s a nice guy I’m sure he can take the rejection. If you just say you weren’t planning on going anyway, he’ll understand. Anyway, he won’t be without alternatives.”

*

Marcus caught up with Bernie after training the next weekend.

“Hey, Bern, fancy a coffee?” He threw his arm around her shoulders in a friendly manner but she flinched away from the touch.

“Waterhouse still giving you trouble?” she asked, thinking he was wanting to talk tactics and ways to manage his unruly Vice-captain.

A brief look of confusion flashed across his face.

“What? Oh, no, I mean would you like to go for coffee together. You know. Talk about, uh, stuff.”

“Oh, right, sorry, I’ve got to write up a chemistry practical. Was there something in particular you wanted to talk about?”

“Well, you never got back to me, about prom?” He looked at her hopefully. She blanched, she had put it to the back of her mind, hoping he would forget.

“I wasn’t sure how to. Um, thank you for asking, and what you said was lovely,” she paused, working out the best way to say no without damaging their friendship. “I’m glad we’re friends, you’re great but I don’t really want to go with you. I mean, you’re a mate and it wouldn’t feel right.”

She was about to apologise, but his face had coloured.

“Why not? You’ve been so nice to me, we’ve spent so much time together. I assumed you liked me, Bern.”

She stared at him, her mouth open, astounded.

“We’re friends Marcus, we had to plan the match together, you needed some help. I enjoy chatting with you about sports and everything else. I’m sorry if you’ve got the wrong idea, I didn’t mean for that at all.”

“So, you don’t want to be anything more than friends?”

She shook her head, mumbling her apologies. His expression turned sour.

“You know, I could have my pick of the girls in your year, they practically throw themselves at me.”

“Well you should take one of them to prom then,” she wasn’t in the mood for this. She could tell he was about to use some bullshit ‘I’m not like other guys’ line and she wasn’t sure she could restrain herself from lashing out. She had a notoriously short temper, only beaten by Serena’s.

“I don’t want to Bernie, I want to take you. The lads think I’m mad, they don’t get you. They think you’re cold and surly, but I know you’re not.”

It wasn’t word for word, but the sentiment was still there. The ‘lads’ wouldn’t want to date Bernie, she should feel honoured that Marcus was asking.

“If you’re trying to compliment me, you’re doing it in a very backhanded way. Telling me no one else would want to take me to prom is not flattery. I’m sorry, Marcus, but I’m not interested.”

"Fine, your loss. You're right though, you'll go to prom on your own. I'm sure Serena McKinnie will find someone, and you'll be sat on the edge, watching everyone else have fun. In fact, I might ask her myself."

She laughed, Serena wouldn't accept an invitation from Marcus, she spent a lot of time calling him a pompous twat. It was true though, Serena had been approached by a few people although she had politely declined all of them.

The problem was, he was right. Bernie wouldn’t have anyone to socialise with other than Serena. It’s mainly why she didn’t want to go, because she didn’t want to spoil Serena’s fun. She would spend the night with Bernie because she felt she had a duty to her friend, when she should be enjoying herself.

*

“He should be so lucky!”

Bernie smirked, as she had expected, Serena did not seem enthusiastic at the news that Marcus would be asking her.

“He is such a twat, Bernie, I never knew why you were friends with him. This just proves it, he has a typically fragile male ego. Oh, I hope he does ask me, just so I can see the look on his face.”

Serena was furious, marching up and down her room, wearing a path into the carpet.

“Trying to claim that no one would take you to prom? It’s ridiculous. You know what, let’s show him. We’ll go together!”

Serena looked at Bernie with the anger and passion burning in her eyes. Bernie was floored. She’d made it clear to Serena that she didn’t want to go. Serena had grudgingly accepted that she had to, as head girl, but Bernie had put her foot down.

Now, though, there was a sparkle in Serena’s eye. She was appealing to Bernie’s vengeful side; the one Serena knew would be itching to get back at Marcus. It was true, she was angry with him for assuming and being spiteful.

She felt the breath catch in her throat. What would other people think? What would she wear? But Serena was already talking, barely registering Bernie’s panic. Once she got hold of an idea there was no stopping her.

“If you don’t go, he’ll think he’s right. But this will be a middle finger up to him, he’ll see we don’t need boys to have a good time. You especially.” She winked and Bernie found herself chuckling.

She pretended to ponder it for a moment, but she knew she would agree. Serena could always bring people round to her point of view, and Bernie found it difficult to refuse her. She nodded and Serena grinned, immediately grabbing her diary.

“Great, we’ll go shopping one weekend. When are your next matches?”

*

“The quicker you come out and show me, the quicker we can go back.” Serena crossed her arms and sighed impatiently. Bernie had given her a limit – she would try on three dresses and that was it.

“I’m not coming out,” Bernie called back, earning a dry chuckle from Serena.

“Bit late for that.”

“Ha, I’m serious Serena, the shoulders on this dress should be on an American football kit, not a prom dress.” She poked her head round the curtain and slowly revealed the dress. Serena could see what she meant. The dress was a lovely colour, deep purple, ruched satin but the shoulders were overexaggerated and her slender arms looked quite ridiculous poking out the bottom. She shook her head and Bernie disappeared back.

She waited for a few minutes, Bernie opening the curtain with a dramatic flourish and a frown on her face.

“No,” she said, crossing her arms. It was full length, with a lot of ruffles and a large skirt, stiff fabric layers poking out at various angles. “This last one had better be good.”

She returned without allowing Serena time to comment. She was sure the last one would be perfect, she’d only picked out the other two to show Bernie bad options, so she would like the third one. Also, seeing Bernie in ridiculous dresses was rather entertaining.

The curtain opened once more and Serena gasped. A no fuss, royal blue off the shoulder dress with a v neck that highlighted her collarbones. It had an asymmetrical hemline which ended at her knees at the front, slightly longer at the back. It showed a black lining, the colours contrasting perfectly.

“It’s perfect, Bernie, you’re going to make Marcus so jealous,” Bernie gave her a shy smile, she did like the dress although she wouldn’t admit it to Serena because she would be unbearably smug.

“Right, shall we find one for you then?” She asked as she appeared looking rather more comfortable in her casual clothes.

Serena patted her arm and grinned. “Don’t worry I’m not going to put you through that, Mum is sending me something she’s made.”

Bernie sighed with relief that the shopping was over and she wouldn’t have to sit around in the musty fitting room. They stopped in town for lunch, Serena seemed in her own world, usually she would talk incessantly, but she was quiet, staring at her plate.

“You okay?” Bernie questioned. “I thought you’d be more excited about me buying a dress, for the first time in…well, ever.”

She smiled, but it never reached her eyes.

“I’m just thinking…”

“Always dangerous,” she smirked, then reached over the table and placed her hands over Serena’s, stopping her from wringing them. “What’s wrong?”

“I feel like the term is going so quickly. Soon it’ll be summer, and then we’ll be going to university. What if I can’t do it? I don’t know what to do if I can’t do medicine. And you’ll be so far away.”

She could feel the fear and anxiety coming from Serena in waves. Despite her confident front that she showed to others, Bernie knew Serena was a worrier, always feeling like she wasn’t good enough. No amount of good grades or praise from teachers helped her to be truly confident in her abilities. She only hoped that medical school would show Serena how brilliant she truly was.

“I know it’s going quickly, but we’ve got a really long summer, we don’t start until the end of September. And frankly I’ll be glad when these blasted exams are over. You will be amazing, Serena, and hypothetically in some weird parallel universe where you aren’t good at medicine you can come and live with me and keep my room clean and make sure I eat properly.”

She grinned at Serena, who let out a low chuckle. She didn’t want to think about the last part, because she knew that being away from Serena was going to be hard. They spent most of their time together, teachers would be shocked if they saw one in the corridor without the other. She was the only thing about St. Winifred’s that Bernie would miss.

“And we can still write, and see each other in the holidays. I’ll want to get away from my parents anyway. It’ll be different, but you won’t want me cramping your style when you’re making friends.”

This earnt her a smile, and she relaxed a little. She hated seeing Serena so worked up and hoped she had done enough to reassure her. They spent the rest of their lunch gossiping about the girls in their year, who was cheating on who, the fact that Sian was still taking antibiotics for the rather nasty infected nose piercing, and generally chatting. This ease between them they would both miss, knowing it would change at university but not wanting to acknowledge it.

*

“I feel sick,” Serena was shuffling her notes, constantly checking they were in order. Bernie stilled her, putting her hands on Serena’s arms and looking her in the eye.

“You’ve got this Serena, ignore the rest of the school and the parents. Imagine you are practising to me, like last night. I’ll be in the seats, just look at me.”

It was the last day of term and the formal service and prize giving for the Upper Sixth was all that stood between them and freedom. The only problem was that, as head girl, Serena had to make a speech in front of the entire school and the parents of all the girls in their year. Her own mother would be there, and this made Serena even more nervous. She’d made speeches before, and deep down she knew when she got up there she would be able to speak confidently, but her anxiety wouldn’t let her think that.

She had practically memorised the speech, but still had notes just in case, and had practised to Bernie and in front of a mirror so many times she was bored of hearing it. They were stood outside the Great Hall, waiting to process in after everyone else was settled into their seats.

Serena simply nodded at Bernie, hoping her voice would come back when she was stood at the podium. The doors open and the organ started playing the processional hymn, the girls following the head teacher in, shuffling and mumbling the words as they tried not to trip over each other.

The service passed by Serena in a daze, Bernie had to prompt her to get up ready to collect her academic achievement award. She smiled and shook hands with the Head and sat back down, tapping her foot impatiently as she clapped for what felt like an hour. She applauded a little more vigorously when Bernie collected her sports trophies, although this was drowned out by the hockey team cheering their captain, much to the disapproval of a lot of the parents. Bernie blushed at the recognition, she didn’t think she was particularly popular but Serena knew a lot of the girls idolised her.

Eventually she heard her name, the applause from behind her and the soft ‘you’ll be amazing’ in her ear. She stood, smoothing her skirt and walking up the steps, gripping onto her notes. She gulped slightly as she saw the amount of people she was stood in front of, but immediately her eyes flicked down and found Bernie, smiling up at her with her typically messy light brown hair and untucked shirt.

She kept her eyes focused on her as she began, thanking the head and other staff and commencing her speech. Although she had written it herself, it had been thoroughly vetted by the head teacher, and she felt there was very little personality in it. Every head girl had pretty much the same speech, it was a formality that had to be done. But the last paragraph she had been allowed to talk about her own experience and what the school meant to her.

“St Winifred’s has been more than a school to me. It’s been my home, my family, for so many years. I have valued my time here and it has prepared me for the future, more than I could possibly have hoped. I have formed wonderful friendships, had enormous fun and learnt so much along the way. St Winifred’s has helped me, helped us all, to discover things about ourselves, talents and dreams that we will make a reality. I would like to thank you all for making my time here, and my year as Head Girl, so fantastic. I will miss this school and everyone in it, but I know without a doubt I will leave here with St Winifred’s occupying a space in my heart.”

She met Bernie’s eyes at this point, saw her friend closer to tears than she had ever been before, and her own eyes stung. It was true she would miss school, but the part of St Winifred’s that would be closest to her would be Bernie. The times they had spent on the roof, the scrapes they’d got into in chemistry, cheering her on from the side lines in hockey matches. Those were the moments she would cherish.

She had paused for longer than she had realised, but it didn’t matter because she had finished, and Bernie knew this so led the applause. She looked out to see the entire school getting to their feet, in appreciation for the Head Girl they respected so much. Bernie was stood, with a smug ‘I told you so’ face on, no doubt because she had reassured Serena so many times that her speech would be a success and everyone loved her.

She dipped her head in acknowledgment and headed back to her seat where Bernie punched her arm playfully and grinned. The elation bubbled up in her chest, only a few more minutes then they’d be leaving.

*

“I never thought I’d be saying this but hurry up, Serena, we’re going to be late!” It wasn’t like Serena to be so last minute, but her hair had been a nightmare, not quite sitting right. After about two cans of hairspray (and a few burns from the curling tongs), she was happy.

Bernie was stood outside her door. She felt rather foolish in her dress, and had not attempted anything with her hair other than brush it out. She wished she was more talented at hair styling, but tight pins and elegant up dos weren’t really her style.

“I’m ready, one second!” was the harried reply, she obviously didn’t need the reminder that she was late.

The door flew open and Bernie stood there, open mouthed. She looked beautiful. The thought struck Bernie to the core. She’d always known Serena was attractive, especially to the boys, but she had never quite appreciated just how beautiful she was. She had envied Serena, mature and confident in her looks, and now Bernie knew that she looked completely inadequate next to her best friend.

She was wearing a strapless, sweetheart full-length dress. Perfectly fitted with a mermaid skirt, in a rich burgundy with stitching detail around the hem. Her hair was swept up onto the top of her head, accentuating her collarbones and neck. Her eyes sparkled and Bernie swallowed. She could feel a blush creeping up her cheeks, and a shiver ran down her spine.

“Bernie? Are you alright?” Serena questioned, concerned that she hadn’t actually spoken, or moved, since seeing Serena.

“Yes…yes, I’m fine,” she stammered. “You…you look, nice, no I mean, lovely. That colour really suits you.”

Serena frowned at her, Bernie was acting rather oddly, and was now fishing around in her dress, rather uncomfortably.

“Thank you, Bernie, so do you. Can I ask what on earth are you doing?”

Bernie soon returned to her usually mischievous grin as she pulled out a hip flask. “Here you go, McKinnie, you said smuggling in the alcohol was my job. And if I’m going to be suffering through this evening of socialising and dancing, I’m making sure the fruit punch has a bigger hit.”

She hid the flask back in her bra, she’d only got it out so she could look down and hide her face, which had coloured deeply after her stuttering compliment to Serena. She offered her arm to Serena, who grasped it tightly. She was rather unsteady on her heels, but looked down at Bernie with a smug expression.

"Finally I'm taller than you!"

Bernie chuckled, she herself was wearing low kitten heels because she did not want to add falling over to the list of things that could go wrong tonight. She would be busy enough worrying about Marcus and looking ridiculous on the dance floor.

She took a moment to really look at Serena, her eyes bright with excitement for the night ahead. Her dark hair was soft, the curls shining as the light caught them, her pale skin accented by a slight blush swept over her cheekbones. Bernie couldn't believe she had never noticed it before but her pulse quickened slightly.

She felt Serena squeeze her arm and blushed again, having been caught staring. Perhaps it was for the best that they were going to different universities , having a crush on your very straight friend could never end well.

She walked down the stairs in a daze. Did she have a crush on Serena? Surely, she was just appreciating how wonderful she looked. That's what friends do, right? Did she have bigger feelings for Serena? It wasn't a crush, not really. She'd had a crush, many in fact. They were all women completely unattainable, Mrs Jessop, the actress in Sophie’s Choice, she couldn’t remember the name. How did she feel about Serena?

She wasn't sure. She enjoyed spending time with her, felt a pull towards her from the moment they had sat out on the roof, perhaps even before then. She didn’t know what had made her reach out to her in the first place. She made her laugh, she would do anything for her. She had never had such close friendships in the past.

That must be it, she decided. I'm just confusing a very close friendship, not used to it. Even if it is something else, she definitely doesn't feel the same way back. And now is not the time to be having thoughts like this, Wolfe. Pull yourself together.

She was lost in thought and missed the last step, almost pulling Serena down with her. They managed to stay upright and Serena raised an eyebrow at her.

"I hope you've not started drinking already Wolfe." She laughed as she tucked a strand of Bernie’s hair back behind her ear. The touch left Bernie s skin burning and she gasped softly, covering it up with a chuckle.

"Of course not, you know me and heels never get on. Shall we?" She indicated towards where the girls were all gathered, getting ready for a photograph. They were ushered towards the front of the group and plastered on wide smiles as their head of year got the camera ready.

After that they all met the boys at the main entrance, and piled onto the bus that would be taking them into the venue.

Bernie could see Marcus, forcing a smile at Julie Granger who had obviously been his next choice. She ducked her head so he wouldn't see her and slipped in to the seat next to Serena.

*

The prom committee had done a great job, and there was a red carpet into the entrance. They were encouraged to enter in couples or small groups of friends and have an official photograph taken. Serena beamed at Bernie as they walked up the carpet and leaned in to her for the photo. Once inside they went straight to the tables for the meal. They chatted as a group, reminiscing about their time at school and excitedly speculating about what the future might hold for them.

Serena could tell Bernie had something on her mind and was doing her best to hide it; forcing smiles and laughing in the right places. She didn’t know whether it was her discomfort with the social situation, or something more. She had caught her staring a few times, but she quickly ducked her head and feigned interest in her food.

She tried to focus on the conversation, rather than worrying about Bernie.

“I mean, most women have a thing for men in uniform, isn’t that right Serena? And just think of all the nurses!” Serena bit her lip, Edward Campbell was loud mouthed and obnoxious, he thought he was God’s gift. She didn’t know him well, but he was also going to be studying medicine. The ‘work hard play harder’ reputation of medical students seemed to be the main reason he had applied. She was glad they’d almost finished dessert, so she could escape.

As the staff cleared the plates she caught Bernie’s eye, who looked pointedly at her glass. She nodded, it was impressive how Bernie seemed to read her mind. Bernie made a beeline for the drinks table and Serena was about to follow, when Edward cut her off.

“You know, it’s a shame. A beautiful girl like you not having a man on their arm, Serena,” he grinned and she could smell the alcohol on his breath as he leaned in closer, one hand slipping on to her waist. “Shall we dance?”

She leaned away from him and smiled. He had obviously had a few drinks before arriving, and she didn’t want to upset him. “No, thank you Edward. It was very nice of you to ask, though.”

*

Bernie watched the scene from across the room. Her stomach felt like it had coiled tightly, seeing Edward with his hands on Serena, she had a coquettish grin, tilting her head playfully. She had no right to feel like that, although she did wonder at Serena’s taste. Her blood had been boiling at some of the sexist, arrogant things he had said during the meal.

“Jealous?”

Marcus’ voice in her ear made her jump, she almost dropped the glass that was in her hand. The heat flared in her cheeks, how could he tell? If Marcus had worked it out so quickly, she was doomed. He would gossip and it would get round to Serena. She could imagine the whispers now. How pathetic, Bernie Wolfe, in love with her best friend, pining after her like a puppy.

Love? Is that what it is? Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, she thought to herself, the bile rising in her throat.

“Wha-, no, why would I be jealous?” she stammered, trying to keep cool. She gulped down her drink, knowing she’d already added a little something extra and wanting to take her mind off the nerves.

“She’s getting all the attention, every guy in our year fancies her. It must be hard, to live in her shadow.”

Bernie breathed a sigh of relief: he hadn’t noticed that Bernie had been jealous for a rather different reason. She shook her head.

“I don’t want the attention, I just don’t like the look of Edward.”

“Well, Serena certainly doesn’t seem to mind the attention.” He smirked before being pulled onto the dance floor by Julie, who did not seem impressed that he was talking to Bernie.

She sighed and made her way across to Serena with the drinks. As she got closer she saw that Serena’s expression was rather more strained than she had thought and she seemed relieved to see Bernie.

“Hey there Bernie, I was just telling Serena just how beautiful she looked, and that it would be such a waste for her to have got all dressed up and not have a man to dance with. Don’t you agree?”

Bernie stammered, not quite sure what to say, but Serena cut in. “And I was telling Edward that a woman doesn’t need a man, isn’t that right?”

She took the glass and smirked at Bernie who nodded, but before she had a chance to say anything Serena squealed.

“Oooooh I love this song, come on Bernie!” and she found herself being marched into the centre of the room, Serena throwing all kinds of shapes, just like the film. Bernie stood awkwardly, not quite sure what to do with herself. She shuffled from one foot to the other, vaguely in time to the music, and downed her second drink. Dutch courage.

She relaxed into the next song, reminded of a warm summer afternoon they’d spent in the park, tipsy and listening to Serena’s brand new radio.

 “I think brown eyes are so much nicer than blue, don’t you?” Serena mused, taking a drag from the cigarette before passing it to Bernie.

“I’ve never really thought about it,” she admitted, glancing at Serena. “I guess they’re warm.”

“What’s your ideal girl like?”

“Hmm? I don’t know. I guess I’d be too scared to do anything about it if I met them.”

“Oh, come on, Bernie, you must have imagined it. Someone to settle down with, no?”

“I couldn’t, Serena. My parents would flip if they found out. And it’s definitely not allowed in the army.”

“What so you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone? I can’t imagine you just sleeping around, going from one girl to the next, leaving them broken hearted.”

Bernie sighed, it was something that ate her up inside, she didn’t know what was worse: the shame she felt because of who she was, or the twisting in her stomach every time she considered not being her true self. The guilt was ingrained into her by her parents saying people affected by AIDS deserved to die, sneering at anyone who seemed like a ‘queer’. But could she really deny herself happiness? She didn’t know.

“I guess I’d be fine, you know, settling with a guy. It wouldn’t be awful. If I was friends with them, I could learn to love them.”

Serena had looked at her in horror. “Bernie, you can’t do that! You’d be living a lie, I know it would be hard but times will change you know. People like your parents will become outdated, the army will be more accepting. You can’t lie. If a guy fell in love with you and you settled, it would all come out eventually. You can’t do that to someone else, Bernie. You just can’t.”

She was staring at Bernie intensely, she hated lying, always said it was the worst quality someone could have.

“You’re right, I know. Sorry,” she hung her head, tears threatening. “What if opinions don’t change, though? If people think I’m unnatural, a freak?”

Serena patted her hand. “I think if you find the right person, then none of it will matter. You’ll just want to be with them, and you couldn’t imagine life without them. You want to be with them more than anything else in the world and the hate will be nothing compared to that amazing lightness you feel in your chest. When you look at them, you won’t see anything that’s happening around you and you’ll want to make it work. You’ll want to shout it from the rooftops.”

Bernie honked, unable to keep a straight face. Serena turned to her indignantly.

“What?!”

“McKinnie! Are you drunk?!”

“I bloody hope so!”

“You’ve been watching too many films. Come on we’d better get back before your mum wonders where you are!”

*

Serena could see the faraway look in Bernie’s eyes as she almost subconsciously danced to the song. She was obviously deep in thought, not for the first time that night. Serena was concerned, normally Bernie told her everything, Serena was her one outlet for the emotions and troubles she usually kept bottled up.

“Ah, Serena, how about you be my very own brown eyed girl? You don’t mind, do you Bernie?”

Edward had cut between them, but Bernie barely noticed so Serena had no choice but to be whisked away by Edward. He wasn’t so bad, she supposed. He was rather attractive and not a bad dancer. She kept an eye on Bernie, who had been found by her hockey team and was dancing with them. Their eyes met and Serena rolled hers, indicating towards Edward, but all she received was a tight-lipped smile.

She pushed Edward away as the next song started. The memories of them dancing in her bedroom to this, Bernie tripping over a light, came to the front of her mind. The simplicity, pure joy, no cares in the world. Bernie found her across the dance floor, eyes alight and with no hint of the previous concern.

Bernie chuckled to herself at Serena posing with her hands on her hips. Her confidence radiated from her, she wasn't afraid of who was watching, she was perfectly happy and lost in the music. Her energy was infectious, and Bernie knew she would get caught up in it herself soon, despite being self-conscious. Looking around, she saw that no one was watching, and she started to move in time, when Serena grabbed her arm and span her round.

The shock made her stumble and Serena caught her, propping her back up and throwing her head back in laughter. They were dancing close together now, Bernie trying not to stand on anyone's toes as the crowd pressed in around them. She found the rhythm again and felt something lift from her shoulders.

She looked at Serena, this was how it was supposed to be; two friends dancing, laughing. Nothing complicated. The ease between them was something Bernie had never expected to find, growing up she'd been private, unwilling to open up to friends. She never would have thought she would find a friend in someone like Serena. Unlikely as it was, she wouldn't change it for the world, and she certainly wouldn't ruin it by muddying the waters with feelings.

The music changed to a song she didn't recognise, but Serena grinned and started singing. Bernie listened to the words, trying to pick them up so she could join in.

I travel the world and the seven seas. Everybody's looking for something.

She felt a lump rise in her throat. She always thought she would never look for love. If it found her then so be it, but she was scared of the consequences. She loved medicine and had a deep, burning desire to go to the army. Her father always said it was no place for a woman, that she wouldn't be able to have a family if she signed up. Her father's disappointment hurt but love wasn't something she needed to feel complete.

She would be travelling the world, hopefully. But was it in search of something? No, it was to run, from a family and a world where she never truly felt she belonged. Until now. In a world that hated her, well, what she was, there was Serena. Did Bernie need to travel the world to look for something? Or had she found it right here? Her thoughts were swimming, clouded by alcohol, and she didn't know what to do.

Edward cut between them for the second time that night and she scowled, but it was probably a blessing. She needed to go to the bathroom and clear her head, so she pointed in that general direction, hoping Serena wouldn't follow her.

*

Serena watched as Bernie slipped away to the toilets but she could tell by her expression she wanted to be alone. Bernie had never understood the 'girls going to the bathroom in packs' and so she let her go. Hopefully she would return with another drink for Serena.

Edward pressed close to her and she started to feel claustrophobic. He was by now incredibly drunk and was openly staring at her chest, a slightly lecherous grin on his face. She coughed and his eyes flicked up to her face, and she did her best unimpressed stare, one eyebrow arched threateningly. To his credit he apologised, but his eyes still wandered away from her own.

She sighed, wondering whether there was any guy out there that could appreciate a girl's looks without being so obsessed with sex. Someone who would compliment her for intelligence rather than beauty. She knew she was a flirt and could always charm a guy around to her way of thinking. She liked to be desirable as well. But no one had ever really caught her attention and if they did, she soon found they weren't interested in a girl with aspirations and a passion for medicine like she did.

She hoped things would be different at university, that there would be likeminded people who she could study with and socialise with. She had this big dream, meeting someone who would respect her, hold similar opinions but be different enough that they could have debates, putting the world to right over coffee or wine. A friend first and foremost, always there to listen. Caring, thoughtful, intelligent. Someone who felt like home.

She stopped suddenly as her train of thought came screeching to a halt. One word in her mind: Bernie.

Edward looked at her, concerned, but she shook her head and carried on dancing. Tried to carry on like nothing had happened, but her entire world felt like it had been spun on its axis. Hadn't she just described her best friend? The person she was going to miss the most when she left this school. The one she felt drawn to, who always knew how to cheer her up or calm her down when she was angry. She had other friends of course. But no one quite like Bernie.

And now they were going away, all they had was the summer. Bernie was going to the army and Serena wasn't stupid, she knew very few people stayed friends after school. Not long term. She was losing Bernie when she'd only just realised how much she meant. It would almost be easier if she had never realised.

She looked across the room, immediately picking out her tall, slim figure and messy curls that Serena always threatened to tame (but secretly loved). She was getting drinks and Serena excused herself from Edward’s company. His hand trailed down her back as she turned, but a sharp glare soon stopped him.

She sidled up beside Bernie, touching her arm gently in greeting.

“Serena, don’t feel like you have to come and keep me company. I’m sure you’d much rather be dancing with Edward.”

She could hear the bitterness in Bernie’s voice, was it jealousy?

“Don’t be silly, it’s not an obligation. I would much rather be with you than him. He’s barely looked at my face once tonight. Egotistical creep.”

“What, so you don’t….you know….like him?” Bernie visibly relaxed and her expression softened.

“No! Honestly, Bernie what’s going on?” her eyes dropped and she stammered before responding.

“I…I…I didn’t like the look of him. You could do so much better, tha- that’s all,” she glanced up at Serena through her fringe, her eyes wide with earnest.

She narrowed her eyes, not quite believing her. “Come on, let’s dance, you can show Edward how to dance with some respect,” she joked, but she saw a small change in Bernie’s expression again. A little tension, trepidation. It was gone as quickly as it appeared and Bernie nodded, following her back into the crowd.

“And this next one is for all those young couples, it’s your last day at school together. Grab your partner!” The DJ announced and Bernie paled.

“No, no, I can’t slow dance, Serena. Besides, what will people think?”

Serena looked around before fixing Bernie with a stare. “Look, loads of the girls are dancing together, we’re best friends. Everyone knows that, they won’t care at all. As for the slow dancing, I’ll lead, you follow.”

Bernie gulped and nodded, linking their hands. Serena marvelled at their softness, delicate and tender. Not roughly grabbing, just intertwined fingers slightly cooler than her own.

Babe I'm leavin' I must be on my way The time is drawing near My train is going I see it in your eyes The love, the need, the tears.

Her stomach coiled and tightened, her pulse racing. University beckoned, doors open with a promise of a fresh start for both of them. This was an opportunity. It didn’t matter what happened because if it went wrong, if Bernie didn’t feel the same, then they could leave. But those open doors would close quickly behind them and if she didn’t say something now then she would always wonder.

But I’ll be lonely without you And I’ll need your love to see me through So please believe me My heart is in your hands And I’ll be missing you

She sang the words softly, pulling Bernie fractionally closer so her mouth was close to her ear.

“I’m going to miss you so much Bernie. I mean it, I don’t know how I’ll get through university without you there as well. You’ll be having such a wonderful time and you’ll forget all about me. Please, promise me that you won’t be too scared, or ashamed. That if, no, when, you find someone you won’t let fear get in the way. I couldn’t bear to think of you unhappy, and I care about you so much,” she bit her lip, willing the tears to not spill onto her cheeks. As she was composing herself she heard a sob from Bernie and felt her pull away.

Somehow, she took away the warmth. Serena hadn’t noticed it but now they were apart there was a gaping hole and a chill in Serena’s core.

“I can’t do this, Serena, I’ve, I’ve got to go,” Bernie’s voice was close to breaking. She ran from the dancefloor before she had a chance to ask what was wrong. She was stunned.

“You know, I think this is the bit where you run after her,” Serena turned to see Sian right behind her. They were quite close, had been in the same class for most of their O levels.

“Sian, what are you talking about?”

“Serena, don’t be naïve. I can see you like each other. You’re both too stubborn to admit it though. And Bernie is definitely terrible at talking feelings. You’ll have to go after her. Make the first move!”

“I...I didn’t even realise it myself until about 20 minutes ago. How can I tell her, she probably doesn’t feel the same way back. And now somehow I’ve said something to upset her but I don’t know what-“

“Because she’s so bad a talking. Ask her about medicine, or feminism and she’ll natter for hours. As soon as you mention any feeling she clams up. Except to you. You need to get her to open up.”

Serena raised an eyebrow and smirked, “No offence but why on earth would I take advice from you?”

Sian grinned, “Hey, I may not want the whole childhood sweetheart thing for myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see it in other people. Apparently before they see it themselves.”

She winked and Serena flushed. If Sian was right and people thought Bernie liked her back…..

“I’ve got to go, thank you,” she wrapped Sian in a hug and made a beeline for the door. She hoped Bernie hadn’t gone too far.

*

Bernie sat against a tree in the grounds, the tears flowing down her face as she sipped the whisky straight from the flask. She didn’t care that her dress would be getting wet, she couldn’t feel the cool chill settling in the night air.

Serena’s words had hit her, punched straight through and left a gaping hole. How was it possible to feel this much, and yet be numb at the same time? The last few hours had passed Bernie in a daze, but in that moment, the two of them dancing, there had been a rush of sound. Time had stopped and Bernie had tried to commit each detail to memory: Serena’s delicate fragrance, her soft hands, the feel of her weight as they moved in time to the music, her sweet voice singing and harmonising with the music. That had been enough, for Bernie. She had decided that they could be friends, she would treasure that moment where nothing had mattered and they would carry on as normal.

But what had Serena meant? Her voice had been close to breaking when she said she cared about Bernie. It almost sounded like she was saying goodbye, sealing their friendship into a yearbook, a memory to be found many years later with a nostalgic smile.

Forget Serena? Not possible. Let fear get in the way of her own happiness? That was second nature.

She didn’t need to look up to know Serena was coming towards her. She stared at her knees, pretending not to notice, but Serena slid down next to her and lifted the flask from her hands, taking a swig.

“You probably don’t want to talk, but I do. As in, I want to say something to you, but you don’t have to respond. Is that okay?”

She nodded, not daring to meet her eyes. She didn’t know where this was going and she wasn’t sure she wanted to. But Serena had asked.

“I’m sorry for what I said, I don’t quite know which part of it upset you, but it did and that wasn’t what I intended. I’m…confused…no, that’s not the right word. I realised tonight that you are more than my best friend. I don’t know what that means for me, or for us. But I needed to tell you.”

Bernie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She stared, dumbfounded.

“If you don’t feel the same then that’s fine, like I said I couldn’t bear for you to be unhappy. I couldn’t go to uni not knowing. So, now you know.”

Bernie was still dumbstruck, unable to process what was happening. “You obviously don’t, I’ll- I’ll go,” Serena went to stand up and leave. Bernie’s brain finally caught up with what was happening, her thoughts having to wade through the alcohol, and she took Serena’s hand.

“No, wait. I…” she trailed off, she hadn’t got much further than this. All her brain had been screaming was don’t let her go. And now she didn’t know how to make her stay.

“I’m sorry I ran. You’re right, I was scared. Scared of ruining a friendship, because it felt like you were saying goodbye, because I couldn’t think of ever meeting anyone else that would make me happy. Scared of you forgetting me.”

Her voice was a whisper as if something inside was trying to stop her saying them. She pushed on regardless.

“I don’t want you to think that I’ve only been friends with you because…I mean, I only just realised it, maybe only just consciously admitted it to myself tonight. I’ve not been pining or…or…”

Serena cut her off with a low chuckle, wiping tears from her cheeks. “I don’t think that, at all.”

She glanced down at Serena’s lips, the emotion and alcohol encouraging her to lean forwards. She didn’t know what to expect. It wasn’t like the movies, where the kiss happens after months of wondering, building expectations in her head. She had never kissed anyone before, except for a dare in primary school.

It was tender, nervous, she could feel Serena’s hand shaking slightly against her cheek. They parted, both looking deep into the other’s eyes, searching for signs of regret. Bernie glanced around, but no one was nearby. She shuffled closer and tentatively placed her hand at the nape of Serena’s neck. A thought flitted through her mind.

What happens after this? After prom, after summer? Is this a reaction to the thought of losing a friend? Is it real?

She pushed the thought away, reminding herself to not be scared. This was real, this as what she wanted. She couldn’t deny herself with what ifs. Serena had told her to not let fear get in the way. Their lips met again, this time with more confidence.

*

Serena had been surprised at first, not expecting Bernie to express her feelings, certainly not expecting her to kiss her. But the moment their lips touched she knew it was right. She sounded cliché but she didn’t care, the softness and sweet taste were perfect. She’d enjoyed kissing guys in the past, but stubble could be irritating and comparing it with this. Maybe it was Bernie, maybe it was girls. Serena found she didn’t really care.

They stopped as Bernie shuddered from the cold. Serena stood and took Bernie’s hand.

“Do you want to go back inside? There’s still a bit of time before the bus takes us back to school.” Their parents would be collecting them the next day.

They made their way back inside and Bernie didn’t miss the questioning look from Sian, and the small thumbs up Serena gave in response.

“What was that about?” She whispered in her ear and Serena chuckled.

“Well apparently we weren’t the first to acknowledge there was something between us. She decided I needed a bit of encouragement. She’ll probably be gloating about playing cupid for a while yet.”

The tension had lifted from Bernie and she danced happily with the rest of the year, always close to Serena.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen it’s time for your last dance. I hope you’ve all had a great night!”

Bernie turned towards Serena and held out a hand. She grinned and took it, pulling them close together. They both sang, swaying from side to side. A peace settled over Bernie, once again living in the moment, but this time delighted that she didn’t have to commit it memory because she could live it, and many more like it, again. Hopefully.

Oh I want the truth to be said.

They weren’t ready for the truth to be released to the world. But they had told the truth to themselves, and each other. That was the most important part.

“What happens now, Bernie?”

Serena’s voice cut through her thoughts. It was the one niggling thought at the back of her mind, that she was ignoring because it was too hard to contemplate. That they had come together and would soon be parted, all too soon. It would have been hard, but that night’s events would make it even more unbearable. Was what she had to gain worth the inevitable pain and suffering further down the line? She grimaced, that was not the right mentality, but she was always preparing for the worst.

“I don’t know, but I can’t think straight. Too much alcohol, too many emotions. We have the summer. We’ll talk about it, work it out.”

Serena smiled contently, hugging Bernie a bit closer.

“You’re right, we can write, see each other in the holidays. What’s that thing Churchill said? Something about not looking too far ahead. I suppose I should take my own advice, not let fear get in the way,” she paused for a moment and then giggled. “It seems I can’t think straight, either.”

Bernie groaned at the pun and they settled into a comfortable silence, each pondering how they had reached this point. The night had seemed so short, yet at the same time getting ready had been a lifetime ago. Neither could have predicted what happened tonight but it felt familiar and looking back how could they have not known. Their presence in each other’s lives was vital, not to make them complete but to add a vibrant colour, a harmony to an already beautiful composition.

It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link of the chain of destiny can be handled at a time – Winston Churchill.

Fin.

[resplendentgoldenwings]

WestAllen Fanfic All That Remains, Chapter 9 Remnants

rating: teen

characters/pairings: Iris West, Caitlin Snow, WestAllen

warnings: grief, suicidal ideation

summary: With the pregnancy confirmed Iris has to consider her next steps.

beta: asexual-fandom-queen

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8

Chapter 9 Remnants

Medical insurance was expensive; pregnancy test were cheap. She'd bought three and peed on all of them with the same result: +, yes, =. Once was chance, twice was coincidence, third time was conspiracy. She was pregnant, Iris felt her stomach twist and leapt off the toilet so she could empty it.

Linda had volunteered to stay with her, but Iris had insisted her best friend go to work. Her mom would be by for her daily lunch visit in a couple of hours; she could manage until then. There was Flash related business to consider, and she hadn't talked to Linda or anyone about that yet. Barry was a meta-human, what If the baby was too? Caitlin and Cisco had been Barry's doctors. Well, Caitlin was anyway.

They'd told her to call if she needed anything; then, of course, she'd called Caitlin a frigid, murdering bitch. The other woman had accepted her apology, but it's not like they were friends. Still, this was too important, regardless of how the other woman might respond she needed to be smart. Iris picked up her phone and typed up a quick text.

I.W.: 'You said I could call or text if I needed anything.'

C.S.: "What's going on?'

I.W. 'I'm pregnant.'

For several agonizing minutes, there was no reply.

C.S.: 'Can you come to the lab?'

I.W. 'Y.'

C.S.: 'See you in 20 minutes?'

I.W.: 'On my way.'

"Store-bought tests are pretty accurate, and you're over two months late. If you are pregnant, we can detect the presence of the fetus with an ultrasound, but I want to run a few test here at the lab just to make sure your hormone levels are normal as well as check your iron levels, blood sugar and for a few other things." Caitlin explained all of this as she drew Iris' blood. "I'm going to run down a list of first-trimester pregnancy symptoms. You've got the big two, but let's see what else is going on. Have you had any breast tenderness?"

Iris nodded.

"Headaches?"

"Yes."

"Weight loss?"

"I hadn't been eating, so I thought-" She shook her head as Caitlin finished drawing her blood.

Caitlin continued down the list, Iris' sense of dread growing with each affirmative. The period tracker, the store bought pregnancy test the could both be wrong. Caitlin Snow, a medical doctor, a geneticist, brilliant enough to work at STARLabs with Harrison Wells was confirming the pregnancy with each question.

"You know it's perfectly normal to miss these symptoms most women do or chalk them up to stress, tiredness other things," Caitlin said mistaking her growing anxiety for embarrassment perhaps.

Iris nodded. She'd never really known what to think about Caitlin, but there was no judgment in her expression. Iris appreciated that she couldn't deal with judgment under the circumstances.

Caitlin moved to the machines in the lab, slotting the blood samples for analysis and Iris looked around at the equipment.

"Caitlin, what's going to happen to this place?"

"With Barry gone it reverted to Henry. He's probably going to sell everything STARLabs never fully recovered from the accident."

"Right, but that means you're out of a job."

"Yeah, but with Barry gone-" She sighed not bothering to finish the sentence.

"Can I ask you something, something about Ronnie?"

Sadness crept into the other woman's eyes, but after a moment she nodded.

Iris took a deep breath.

"After Ronnie- if you had found out you were pregnant, would you- I don't feel as if- would you have kept it?"

The other woman's eyes widened ever so slightly, and her mouth formed an oh' of surprise before her face settled into a thoughtful frown.

"It hurt so much losing Ronnie the way that I did. I was so miserable and drained and depressed and lost. In one moment everything that we had planned was gone. I didn't have anything for anyone. I mean Iris you were here every day, almost. I saw you sometimes crying over Barry and I couldn't- I thought I should try and reach out to you, but I couldn't because losing him, losing Ronnie took everything from me back then." Caitlin shook her head. "I like to think I was a good person, but I couldn't find five minutes to offer comfort to someone who was going through something so similar to me. I can't imagine trying to care for a child, an infant, someone so needy while feeling that."

Iris nodded not wanting to interrupt the other woman's thoughts.

"But," Caitlin took a deep breath. "It lessens or perhaps you get stronger after carrying the weight of I don't know. But I think- you and Barry wanted a family, right?"

"Yeah, once I was more established in my career."

"Right. I think that once it doesn't hurt so much, once you get used to him being gone- and I know it doesn't seem like it, but you will. I think this child could make you so happy. I think you will be so glad and grateful to see Barry again in this child that you couldn't imagine it any other way." Caitlin's words were a bare husky whisper as she finished and the other woman looked away dabbing at her eyes.

Her own grief stirred at the strength of emotion emanating from the other woman and Iris reached out to her giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

"Thank you, Caitlin."

The other woman smiled, faint and watery and both women looked up at the squeak of Cisco's gym shoes on the floor. He strode into the lab, dark hair bouncing, twizzler in hand.

"What's the emergency?"

Caitlin turned back to the blood sample she'd taken.

"Iris is pregnant."

Grainy black and white, two little sacs with two barely human blobs floating in them. Despite how strange the fetuses looked, almost alien, they had everything they needed to turn into two unique people all –was it 47 chromosomes, 46- everything they needed if she simply let them. Half of Barry, half of herself growing and thriving all this time without her knowledge. In addition to the picture, Caitlin had written a prescription for several pre-natal vitamins.

Iris sat in her car in the empty STARLabs parking lot. Caitlin and Cisco had both offered to drive her home, but she needed some time to herself, time to think.

Both Cisco and Caitlin were both concerned about the speedster metabolism and what that might mean for the pregnancy. Cisco was already formulating a high-calorie nutrient-dense snack bar for her in case she needed it.

Caitlin was also concerned about her iron and calcium levels. In addition to the supplements, the geneticist wanted her to eat more leafy greens, start getting three square meals a day and exercising. In short, Caitlin wanted her to start taking care of herself.

A strange tingling ache started in the back of her head, and Iris could feel her shoulders rising. Just when she was at her least, her most vulnerable more was being piled on. She had to suffer all of this unhappiness and take care of two other people somehow when she could barely care for herself. She wasn't ready for this.

Iris considered Caitlin's words, the idea that in a few years these children would make her happy. That Barry would come back into her life through their smiles or their eyes or their sense of humor made so much sense, and yet all she felt was as if she were collapsing under the weight of it.

Iris fished her phone out of her purse. She called her dad, got voice mail and called her mother.

"Mom?"

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"Can you come over?"

"I have a session with a patient starting in ten minutes sweetheart. Can you give me an hour-and-a-half?"

She wanted to say "no, I need you now.", but her mother was already doing so much for her.

"Oh- ok." Somehow she forced the word around the lump in her throat.

"Iris, are you sure you're alright?"

She took a tremulous, breath determined to hold out for 90 minutes.

"I-I can manage an hour and a half; you go work mom. I'll see you at my apartment."

"Ok honey. I love you."

"I love you, two mom."

Caitlin put the date of conception around May 12th, the night Barry proposed to her, one year to the date she'd told him she was in love with him. She wasn't surprised. May 12th was a special day for them, and Barry had been so different when they'd gotten back to his apartment, so unrestrained. Iris had always enjoyed their lovemaking, but several months into their relationship she'd started to realize Barry was holding himself back.

He hadn't that night. He'd seemed so much more himself, and something had happened at the end something that had to be related to his powers. She'd been too drowsy with satisfaction to ask him about it, too happy to care.

It was the closest they'd ever been.

She'd forgotten to mention it the next morning. Told herself she would talk to him about it later.

Somehow later never came.

Iris crumpled the ultra-sound and tossed it onto the passenger as the flood of tears came again.

It wasn't fair, if Barry had lived they would have been so happy.

A/N- Hey, everyone thanks for reading. This is a shorter chapter. I was thinking about doing more flashbacks, but I don't feel like the story needs them right now. We're starting to shift from looking back into the past and toward the future. A quick note about Iris and Caitlin here. 

I don't care for the way the show writes Caitlin or the relationship between Iris and Caitlin. I thought about just handwaving a somewhat friendlier relationship into existence, but decided to actually touch on some of the reasons why Iris and Caitlin never developed a friendship in the show even though that doesn’t make sense.

Please feel free to take a moment and comment, thanks again for reading.