#because the only times i feel like a real person are outside of school or work.
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Hi so Iâm a nonbinary lesbian and have been out for well over 6 years. My gender expression has changed a lot over the years and now Iâm just. A bit lost. I want to experiment more with masculinity again but Iâve kind of forgotten how to? Iâm in a bit of a weird spot where most people around me arenât trans (except for my roommates) but are of the (very good!) idea that âclothes and attributes arenât genderedâ and dress sort of unisex in as cheap second hand clothes as possible. Some guys have long hair or wear makeup to parties and some women donât shave etc. But I still feel like most people view me as a woman or woman-lite because even though theyâre well meaning and progressive, theyâre not really well-educated about transness. And Iâm in a long term lesbian relationship and have a lot of hobbies that are more traditionally feminine. My pronouns are they/she but most people use she/her exclusively. Iâm starting to feel more and more dysphoric about this after a few years of no dysphoria, but I donât know how to change things. So yeah do you have any tips on doing masculinity? Or experimenting more with combining gender expressions? I wish I could start t but the trans healthcare in my country is terrible.
ngl a lot of that is so familiar to me- especially the pronouns! It's been a long time since I started to lean more into masculinity from the kind of "I'm not a yucky man lol that would be unfeminist" purgatory I was trapped in pre-transition but post-realizing-i-was-trans-in-some-way (which isn't to imply that's where you're at, that was just my personal journey) but I definitely feel like I resonate with a lot of what you're describing from, like, that specific period in my life.
I think drawing harder lines around how I wanted people to refer to me helped a lot with this, early on. I know a ton of people who have pronouns they use with trans friends that are different from the pronouns they let cis people use; she/they for the people they know will make the effort to use both, but they/them or she/her exclusively for the people they know are unlikely to use those pronouns if they have an alternative. This works with other language as well- but that's all to your personal comfort level!
Outside of that, I think step 1 is really just thinking about what masculinity means to you, and what kinds of masculinity you're interested in or intrigued by. Don't worry too much about figuring out exactly what you want right away- just experiment with whatever seems like it might be fun or comfortable. Think clothes, hair, mannerisms, roles, hobbies and interests; anything you might have denied or been denied because of gendered expectations. There's no one singular way to Do Masculinity, and the goal isn't to start out with a single perfect, consistent way of presenting yourself to the world. You're just playing with things you haven't had permission to play with before!
I also have a lot of "feminine interests", and a big thing for me has been finding masculine role models within those things. In my area it's mostly women who are into horses, and I was the only man on the horseback riding team at my school when I transitioned; but cowboys are totally a thing, and I started leaning into that role pretty early on! We also ended up getting another guy on the team, I think partially because he saw there was at least one other & he wouldn't be the only man there, which was cool (he latched onto me hard, too. it was very funny to me when I mentioned being trans & he apparently had very much not realized that before. I got to watch his worldview shift in real time, lmao)
That one was probably the easiest, though. I've also looked to really positive, loving male teachers in my work in education, and that's been awesome! Sewing & embroidery have been the hardest by far, but I've definitely found plenty of men in both over time. Finding embroidery patterns to try out from gay men depicting masculine-presenting bodies has been especially fun & validating.
I know this isn't the most specific advice, and I'm not sure if you were looking for like, a list of clothes to buy? But honestly this has just been my own journey. I wear what's comfortable and I haven't really changed my interests or hobbies; exploring masculinity has really just meant giving myself permission to engage in things I haven't before, wearing things I feel good in, and looking to others who've given themselves that permission as well for inspiration. I had to be more intentional about considering the masculine-to-me options early on than I do now, but like, it should all be about you and what you're interested in. There are infinite types of guy! I think it's just a matter of figuring out which ones you resonate with and why, and building your own type of guy out of that.
#advice#trans#transmasc#dont know if u id that way anon just know this post might resonate for folks in that tag!
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I feel like my familyâs getting sick of me
#I donât listen I donât do anything they ask unless it directly affects me#and even then I rarely do it unless itâs about to happen like right the fuck now#I donât do shit for future me Iâve Never done shit for future me because I didnât think there Would be a future me so I never bothered to#learn how to be an actual person#I was shut off from everything outside of shitty fandom Pinterest and my family who are All doing Awful#I donât know how to do anything and I donât know if Iâm gonna make myself try#there doesnât feel like thereâs a point even though I know there is#Iâm just so fucking tired all the time I want to sleep I want to not wake up I want to be a concept I donât want to be like this man#I havenât felt like a person person for so long Iâve just been making myself like a character#stories and the real world arenât. theyâre not the fucking same#in stories you only see one side of them maybe two but you donât see how they live or the in betweens#the ride to places the signing up for schools the job hunts the actual becoming an adult not just. relationship shit.#I havenât felt like a person person for years and itâs biting me in the ass now I donât think I can do anything about it now#Iâm gonna end up in my early 20s homeless and dead on the street from hypothermia because I cant make myself do things that isnt comfortable#fucking shit man#Iâm gonna sleep at a normal time. try to see if I get up earlier tomorrow
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I thought about working a 9-5 for the next 45 years of my life and all of my love for life has evaporated
#it's 1am i'm going to read fun fics and forget about it and go to sleep#i have other things to worry about. we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.#.... it's genuinely distressing though.#because the only times i feel like a real person are outside of school or work.#especially holidays#i am never as much myself as during the summer holidays#i never have as much energy and motivation and joy for life as during the summer holidays#but soon i won't get a 2-4 months period to be a real person anymore.#soon i'll have to take a few weeks/year for a good 4 decades and by the time i'm done i won't have enough money to enjoy my freedom#i don't want that. i want to be a person. i want to be me 24/7 all year round#i don't want to say 'i'll do it when i have the energy' every day and know in my heart i won't ever have it anymore#do you know how long it takes to recharge those batteries? three weeks of holidays won't cut it#and i'm not even going to get that#i don't want to stop drawing to stop having fun with fandom to give up my hobbies and who i am as a person#but i know i don't have the energy to be a person after 4-5 hours of work#what is it going to be like when i have to do 7 hours a day?#when i have to push past my limits every day?#i can't conceive of a future where i work. i just can't. and it's going to happen and it's going to kill me#and i'm not even going to be dead! i'm just going to sleepwalk around the whole time and never be a person again#because all of the energy i have for that will have been taken by a work i don't want to do#.... okay i'm going to cry. um. fanfic time. i'm going to bury that under good fanfic so i can manage to fall asleep#wow i have a ramble tag now
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mfs cant even dress. fuckin. wearing basketball shorts and a nondescript t shirt and short ass hair and have the gall to make fun of other people for dressing different. okay background character
#ok least memorable guy in the room#oh? oh what josh? do you play sports? you real good at your sports ball?#you smoke weed after school n shit? listen to rap music?#and thats your entiiiiiiiiiiiiiire personality. lol. lmao.#oh and its mainstream rap too. like wiz khalifa or somethin. and you never listen deeply to the lyrics or what they say#you only listen to it to feel cool while you smoke your weed.#oh and i bet you make having a care a personality too since theres literally absolutely nothing else remarkable about your character#car*#do ya go fishing? maybe like guns? maybe you just got a dog recently. wow. a real step forward for you and your empty ass soulless life#do you ever volunteer for things? do you ever actually. give a fuck about things?#do you have a hobby outside of sports? do you spend literally any time alone introspecting?#do you cope with life by drinking and vaping with your pals to avoid having to ever have a thought or feel an ounce of regret for being a#piece of shit?#crazy how i can read you like the back of my hand tyler josh stevenson#and by golly do you never question the ethicality of owning a lawn either. thats never crossed your mind. because giving af about anything#has never crossed your mind besides yourself#wonder how dissapointed your mom is in you but never tells you outright#she prolly hoped you would become more. stay a nice sweet little boy. but naur#ya didn't. and now you're pinning after celebrities who wear designer brands. because your life is empty and soulless.#too mean? eh. he needs to hear it.
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Is Emilie's character just a joke to you, or do you just dislike kind/gentle/loving/motherly characters (like the rest of the internet)? I mean, you purposely went out of your way to portray Bustier as a terrible person and didn't even try to give her character growth. You know, actually have her BECOME a good teacher. This just makes all the Miraculous conflict over Emilie's fate (and Adrien's sadness) feel bitterly ironic, like "what was it all for" or "all of this madness, for THIS woman"?
As a matter of fact, Emilie IS a joke to me! (Literally, I'm taking shots at a character I made up and who does not exist in canon so I don't know what's got your panties in a twist) And so is Bustier! They are total jokes because it is a total farce that the show tried to portray either of these women as infallible beacons of good, motherly, perfection.
Yeah, Bustier is gentle and kind and condescending and plays favorites and ignores conflict until she literally can't. Emilie...I mean, we don't know Emilie. YOU don't know Emilie. The show does not show us Emilie. According to biased sources she was "kind/gentle/loving/motherly", but that's not supported by her actions.
How can Emilie be "motherly" AND Adrien's never had a real birthday gift? How can she be "kind" AND Adrien's only been allowed to be friend's with Chloe? How can she be "loving" AND Adrien's been trapped inside his house when he WANTS to go to school with everyone else?
As for why Bustier didn't get character growth in Scarlet Lady, it's because I didn't want to? You know, some of us HAD the "nice" teacher who actually wasn't all that great, and we just had to kinda live with it until we graduated and moved on. I'm not making time for them in my spite fic about fictional characters.
Look, it's nice you want to buy what that show is trying to sell you. If you want to believe that Bustier and Emilie are nice and wonderful and nurturing just because the characters all say that they are, be my guest. No one is stopping you. Canon is here for you.
But I'm not buying.
And in case you forgot, kind/gentle/loving/motherly people are allowed to be more than just that. They're allowed to be multi-faceted and have goals and interests outside of Being a Mom. Because moms are people to.
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ââ â ę° đđšđđ¸đ
đđťđ¸ đđđđ
đ .áă
¤ á¸á¸ ďš ě´íŹěš ďš áśťđ°
GENRE á¸á¸ established relationship Ḡoneshot ďš SYPNOSISâin which your boyfriend gets into a fight .áă
¤ ę° WORD COUNTďš1589 ęąââ đŚARNING(S) not proofread Ḡviolence Ḡmentions of blood & injuries Ḡbadboy trope!! Ḡ. Ý âŚ Ý . âą LIBRARY . . . ďšLUNA đ âhappy heeseung dayyyy!! no amount of words can explain how much i love him!! the loml <33 (ËÍĚęłËÍĚ )â§ Ë ÝđĽ ÝË
LEE HEESEUNG WASNâT THE KIND OF BOYFRIEND ANYONE HAD EXPECTED YOU TO HAVE.
everyone in school knew his reputationâhe was the typical bad boy, sharp edges and icy stares, with a cigarette often hanging loosely from his lips and tattoos decorating his forearms.
people moved out of his way when he walked down the hall, not wanting to catch his eye.
he was feared, whispered about, and avoided.
but you? you on the other hand were the complete oppositeâshy, quiet, and sweet.
it was no secret that you were heeseungâs girlfriend, and because of that, no one dared to mess with you.
until today, unfortunately.
it was just an average day, a regular lunch break, or at least it had started that way.
you were sitting at your usual table with a couple of friends, eating and listening to the chatter around you.
heeseung wasnât with youâhe rarely was during lunch.
he liked to spend that time outside, usually skipping or hanging with his own friends, giving you space but always watching from a distance. âââ đđđđ đđđđđ đđđ đđđ .áă
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you knew he was never farâyou always felt safe, knowing he was around.
but today, something felt very off.
a new student had recently transferred to your schoolâminho, a cocky, obnoxious guy who had quickly earned a reputation for being a jerk.
he had a habit of making everyone around him uncomfortable, especially girlsâand today, he had his eyes set on you.
you were sitting quietly, your head down as you picked at your food, when you noticed him walking toward your table.
your stomach twisted, a sinking feeling settling in as he slid into the seat beside you without asking.
you immediately tensed, your fingers tightening around your fork.
âhey, youâre that quiet girl, right?â minhoâs voice was bold, dripping with arrogance as he leaned in too close, invading your personal space.
âlee heeseungâs girl, right? i donât see what he sees in you.â
your heart sped up, panic rising in your chest as you shifted uncomfortably in your seat.
âuh, iâmââ you stammered, trying to inch away from him, but he only moved closer, his knee bumping against yours.
âi donât get it,â minho continued, completely ignoring the way you were clearly uncomfortable.
âyouâre way too shy, too⌠delicate for someone like him. maybe you need someone who knows how to treat you better.â
your friend, sitting across from you, shot minho a warning glare. âsheâs not interested asshole. back off.â
but minho didnât seem to careâhe laughed, the sound grating on your nerves.
âwhy donât you let her speak for herself, huh?â he turned his gaze back to you, his eyes dark with something that made your skin crawl.
âwhat do you say, sweetheart? how about you ditch that psycho boyfriend of yours and hang out with a real man?â
your hands started to shake, your throat tightening as you tried to find your voice. âplease just leave⌠iâm notââ
before you could finish, minho leaned in even closer, his breath hot against your ear as he whispered something vile, something so inappropriate that your entire body went rigid with shock.
and thatâs when you heard itâfootstepsâheavy, deliberate footsteps approaching fast.
you didnât even have time to turn before you saw heeseung, his expression dark and dangerous as he grabbed minho by the collar and pulled him out of his seat.
the entire cafeteria seemed to go silent.
everyone knew heeseung had a temper, but theyâd rarely seen him like this.
âsay that again,â heeseung growled, his voice low and menacing as he lifted minho off the ground, his fist clenched tightly around the front of minhoâs shirt. âi dare you.â
minhoâs painted on act faded instantly.
his cocky smirk disappeared as he realized just how serious heeseung was, but instead of backing down, he chucked.
âwhatâs the matter, heeseung? canât handle someone else talking to your girl? she doesnât seem to mindââ
that was all it took.
before you could even process what was happening, heeseungâs fist connected with minhoâs face.
the sound of the punch echoed through the cafeteria, and you gasped, your heart leaping into your throat.
heeseung hit him again, and again, and again, his knuckles splitting open from the force of the impact.
minho didnât even have time to fight backâhe was already dazed, blood trickling from his nose and mouth as heeseung knocked him to the ground.
âheeseung, stop!â you cried out, panic rising in your chest as you watched the scene unfold in desperation.
but he didnât hear youâhe was lost in his anger, his eyes dark and wild as he prepared to throw another punch.
you scrambled to your feet, rushing toward him, your hands shaking as you reached out and grabbed his arm.
âplease, heeseung, stop! heâs doneâ see!â your voice cracked as tears filled your eyes, your heart pounding painfully in your chest.
for a moment, heeseung didnât move, his fist still clenched, ready to strike again.
but then you did the only thing you could think ofâyou wrapped your arms around him from behind, pulling him into a desperate back hug.
âheeseung, please,â you whispered, your voice trembling as tears streamed down your cheeks. âstop. itâs over. please.â
something shifted in him thenâyou could feel it.
the tension in his muscles slowly began to release, his clenched fist relaxing as your words broke through the haze of his anger.
he took a deep, shuddering breath, his body still shaking as he dropped his arm to his side.
you didnât let go, your face buried against his back as you tried to calm your own racing heart.
heeseung turned slightly, his breath ragged as he finally looked down at minhoâalmost unconscious and a bloodied broken nose on the ground.
a flicker of regret crossed his face, but it was quickly masked by his usual hardened expression.
he turned toward you then, his eyes softening as he saw your tear-streaked face.
without saying a word, he took your hand and led you out of the cafeteria filled with whispers and cameras pointed at you, his grip firm but gentle as he guided you to his car in the parking lot.
the moment you were both inside, he reached over and pulled you into his lap, wrapping his arms around you tightly as you cried against his chest.
âiâm sorry,â he whispered, his voice hoarse as he pressed his lips to the top of your head. âiâm so sorry. i didnât mean to scare you.â
you shook your head, still trembling as you clung to him. âi was just so scared⌠i thought you wouldnât stop.â
heeseung sighed, his hand rubbing soothing circles on your back as he held you close.
âi know, baby. i get like that sometimes⌠when iâm angry, i just⌠i lose control.â
his voice was thick with emotion, his usual care free aura gone as he spoke to you softly, like he was afraid of breaking you.
âbut iâll get help, okay? i donât want to be like that around you. i promise iâll do better.â
you pulled back slightly, wiping at your eyes with the back of your hand as you looked up at him.
âi just donât want you to hurt yourself⌠or anyone else. iâm grateful you stood up for me, but⌠you canât let yourself get lost in your anger like that.â
heeseung nodded, his eyes full of guilt as he reached up to brush a strand of hair behind your ear. âi know, and iâll try. for you.â
you finally let out a small, shaky laugh, and heeseung smiled softly, relief washing over him as he heard the sound.
âthereâs my pretty girl,â he said, his voice warm as he leaned in to press a gentle kiss to your forehead.
his hands were still shaking slightly as he cupped your face, but the worst of the storm had passed.
you glanced down at his knuckles then, your heart sinking as you saw the cuts and bruises painting his skin. âheeseung⌠your hands.â
without thinking, you gently took one of his hands in yours, lifting it to your lips and pressing soft kisses to the torn skin.
he watched you with a mix of awe and affection, his chest tightening at the sight of you caring for him so sweetly.
âyou didnât have to do that,â you whispered, looking up at him through your lashes as you kissed the back of his hand again. âbut thank you.â
heeseung smiled, his expression softening as he leaned down to kiss youâslow and softly, his lips moving gently against yours.
when he pulled back, he rested his forehead against yours, his breath mingling with yours as he whispered, âiâd do anything for you.â
you smiled back at him, the tension in your chest finally easing as you realized that despite everything, he wasnât the monster everyone thought he was.
he was just⌠heeseungârough around the edges, for sure not perfect, but always protective, always caring when it came to you.
âjust⌠try not to knock anyone out next time, okay?â you teased lightly, the corners of your mouth lifting into a small smile.
heeseung chuckled softly, the sound low and soothing as he kissed the tip of your nose.
âiâll do my best, but no promises,â he said, his tone playful now. âespecially if some asshole tries to mess with my girl.â
you rolled your eyes, laughing despite yourself âyouâre impossible, lee heeseung.â
âand you love me for it.â
you couldnât argue with that.
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so with the crack baby, what if the og timeline finds their phone?? Like they're going through it and seeing their whole life and achievements, maybe even the notes app with all their thoughts and feelings..
Ohhhh and then the 2nd timeline sneaking into their room and finding all those trophies?? Damian being forced to recognize that maybe his sibling does have some sort of brain..
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keep the requests coming gang i'm trying to procrasinate the next chapter
i imagine like dick just sat in your room, literally over anylysing everything just to get a peek at the kind of person you were outside of the nervous, starry-eyed youthling who'd trail behind him and then he stumbles upon your phone.
literal jackpot, he guesses your password on the third try because he put in your birthday (how careless), and he goes through EVERY app. he goes through your social media, your games, he even goes through your ubereats app to see what kind of food you like!
he goes through your notes app and it's just essays upon essays how you feel a suffocating cavity in your chest or how you want to get closer to them, how you want them to look back and then as the notes progress and you get older, hitting the eighteen mark, how you loath them.
he sighs, sighs again before sending some notes about how cool you think your family is and how you want to spend time with them to himself, and then he finally shows the others.
each of them respectively crying throwing up, analysing every single thing you've said, oh you misspelled something? noted. you accidentally forgot to you the correct tense? noted. you put in a shopping list in between your rants? noted.
i imagine them literally ANNOTATING your emotions (LMAO), they just want to understand you, they have nothing to remember you by, no face, no memories, nothing of the real you.
so sure, while it hurts to read about how you wish you could scrub yourself clean of bruce's dna, it's nice to read about you.
and they will, obviously, print out every selfie you've ever took. any group photos will be cropped, they'll hang up your pictures everywhere, like a guest comes over and there's just a massive, framed picture of you smiling at the camera with a bunch of cropped heads around you. OR you in school, like a massive grin on your face as you do something mischevious but it's kind of blurry and also there's a massive red X on the person besides you.
as for the second timeline, i think this is really interesting -- especially because you're trying to mind your business, live your life, maybe you went out for a walk and you're tired, eager to get to bed.
so you walk in your room and, well, your whole family's just sprawled around your box room, your medals and trophies scattered about as they each take it in deeply.
"i wasn't aware you were so profficient at science." damian adresses you, staring at an obnoxiously bright 'first place!' certificate in his hands, your name sprawled across it. how unexpected, perhaps you're not as useless as you seem. no, this is high-school level so sure, he's impressed, but he doubts bioenergetics will help you in the real world, aka, the vigilante occupation, aka, something you will NEVER try.
tim is assessing all the dates, "you did these both at the same time? ..impressive." he nods towards you, and you have to physically stop yourself from cringing. like, sure, 10 years ago you'd be running up the walls at this attention. but you're tired! and completely uninterested now that you've grown up.
"can you guys fu--" you're cut off by bruce putting a hand on your shoulder and nodding, subtly trying to hide the fact that he's having alfred lug all the pictures of you on podiums or on stage into his room. you just look so cute :( if he ignores the way your eyes are gleaming with tears or how you're the only one without a parent standing behind you.
jason lurking around, an unnaturally soft expression as he watches videos of you singing as a youthling -- you have to stop yourself from viscerally reacting AGAIN. why is he even here? he doesn't live here! speaking of people who don't live here--
"wow! why didn't you tell me you like gymnastics? i would've loved to support you! dick smiles, tracing the lines on your medal with the utmost care.
"i did tell you, you didn't care -- in fact, one time you promised me you'd come to my tournament but obviously didn't show up, i cried so hard i was disqualified."
"... i don't like this game anymore."
#dc fanfiction#yandere batfam#yandere batfamily#platonic batfam#yandere bruce wayne#batman x reader#platonic yandere batfam#yandere batman#platonic yandere dick grayson#yandere dick grayson#platonic dick grayson x reader#platonic bruce wayne x reader#batfam#me when
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How would Platonic! Yan! Batfamily react to Reader with Narcolepsy?
A/N:Thank you for requesting. I hope I did okay with this, please respectfully correct me if I got anything wrong or unintentionally offensive with this as I do not suffer from narcolepsy.
Warnings: Toxic and abusive family dynamics, infantalization, medication tampering, worsening issues
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Requests: always open
Oh my gosh that would be the worse thing to deal with in a Yan! family. Especially with one as affectionate as them.
Can you imagine trying to avoid Dick or Tim but just falling right asleep in their arms from the stress...then when you wake up moments later, they aren't allowing you to leave their grasp...oh how terrifying that'd be.
Anyways, they are rather attentive to your needs and observant. If one of the siblings notice that you are showing signs that you will abruptly collapse, they will rush over and quickly guide you to a safe area where you can rest.
The family is very strict on not giving you certain tasks that may be hard on your body. Especially if you deal with cataplexy. If you need help with moving something, or completing a task, just ask someone. They will be very upset if you get yourself hurt.
The down side of not having great muscle control or overall weakness is the constant babying. They treat you as if you were made out of glass. It can be quite annoying when you need to strengthen your muscles even if it's very difficult for you. They also might enjoy keeping you weak and vulnerable because you have less of a chance to escape and no real ability to fight back. You are far to precious to not be in their care.
Your family is strict about not allowing you to hang out with friends and staying only in the home. Occasionally they'll allow you to have a supervised visit. They even may force you to take up schooling at home and you're not allowed to work. It's all far too dangerous when they aren't near to assist you. You cannot trust anyone outside of them.
If you suffer with hallucinations, whether that may be audio or visual, they will be very understanding. You aren't the only one in the family to suffer with symptoms like such. Many days Jason and Bruce are struggling with those things. I can't imagine anyone would poke fun, they'd just redirect you.
But his can kind of suck given that sometimes you cannot tell if something that happened was real or not. Your family may say that you were just having a hallucination but you swear that you heard them talking about tampering with your meds.
Speaking of such, they most definitely do. The medicine that is supposed to help with your EDS seems to have the opposite effect on you. Some days it seems like you've been sleeping for weeks. You swore that you feel asleep in the living room...why are you now in an entirely different sect of the mansion..???
If you suffer with memory issues, that will be a huge problem because so many things they get away with or manipulate you about and because you have no recollection of any events..you are just forced to go with it, even if your gut says something is wrong.
Sometimes the family can get a bit worried if you are up all night..they worry you might wonder off or get hurt while they are either on patrol or sleeping so one designated person must be up with you at all times.
Even when you're sleeping. Someone is monitoring you and your health. Usually Alfred or one of the siblings if they are free.
Often Tim will take the shift since he is usually home and doing work anyways. Too many times have you randomly woken up in his dark room with him in the corner watching you.
Your constant fatigue is an excuse your siblings may use to just carry you around without your consent. Yes, you were struggling up the stairs. but no. you didn't really want Dick to just come and pick you up and carry you around the house like a pet. It's worse when it's Jason because he throws you over his shoulder...he's working on it.
Alfred has a specialty diet for you, which kind of sucks sometimes when the others are eating your favorites. But it's for the best he tells you. It's supposed to help with your symptoms but...every time you eat his cooking, you just feel sick then super drowsy..Alfred says it's the adjustment period to the new diet..but you can't shake the feeling that the food is worsening your conditions
#headcanon#imagines#oneshot#x reader#yandere imagines#headcannons#yandere headcanons#fanfic#dc comics#dark batfamily#yandere family#platonic yandere#yandere batman#yandere prompt#yandere x reader#yandere batfam#batfam x batsis#batfam headcanons#batsis!reader#batfam x reader#yandere bruce wayne#yandere dick grayson#yandere tim drake#yandere jason todd#platonic batfam#platonic relationships#dc universe#dcu#dc incorrect quotes#dick grayson x reader
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Yours, Inevitably - l.jn
2/4 diary of the heartbreakers
summary: ⸠⥠To say that Lee Jeno is pretty would be an understatement. The man's gorgeous. One thing he uses to his advantage, going through college getting girls he spots his eyes on. But there's one he just couldn't get. His brother's bestfriend. You can continue and avoid your feelings for each other, but eventually, it'll happen. You were someone that stayed, a constant in his life. You might not know it, but for the years you've known Lee Jeno, he slowly became yours, inevitably.
"I should've known it was you, because no one else made sense."
GENRE: Angst, Fluff, Humour, Smut
WARNINGS: Minors DNI, Explicit Sexual Content, Language, Slight Alcoholism, Mentions of Drugs/Weed, fuckboy!Jeno, brothersbsf!reader AUTHOR's NOTE: Holy shit, it's done! I was about to pull all my hairs off for this one :// but i can finally say that it's all worth it! I hope y'all are still here. And I really wish y'all would like this story. Enjoy reading!
WC: 18 k (I tried my best)
DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fanfiction. Only the names of the Idols are used, and does not reflect on them in real life. There's no way in any shape of form that they are like this in person, because I MADE IT UP. I don't personally know them. DO NOT STEAL / TRANSLATE / MODIFY. This is my work and I don't appreciate people stealing it. Thank you.
Enjoy reading! -ryo
Lee Jeno is a phenomenon.
Jeno, on the other hand, likes to think heâs just a pretty boy who kinda knows how to dribble.
Maybe heâs not bad in the actual learning part too, maybe he did get an award for the research paper he did on Biochemistry last year. Maybe he won MVP on three consecutive basketball tournaments, making history in his school as the only player to excel in both the sports and academics.
So yeah. Heâs a textbook definition of an A-list student that you would totally see in one of the frames along the halls of this very school in about thirty years, with the trophies and accolades he made during his time here.
You wanna hear whatâs even more annoying?
Heâs hot. And he knows it. Please, heâs so undeniably gorgeous it's starting to hurt.
Unlike his friends, Jeno keeps it on the down-low. Which was surprising because he had every right to be cocky and brag about all of his achievements but heâs the least show-y among his friends.
In Jenoâs defense, he likes to let his performance do all the talking.
Words on the street says he fucks like an incubus, but talks like an angel. Heâs proven to be hung, emphasizing the word proven, based on the girls he had walking side to side after he spent a good, long night with them.
But despite all of that, heâs pretty cool and quiet most of the time.
Which is even more attractive. According to a study based on no-actual-facts, girls tend to like the quiet ones more. Especially when they look like a greek god that managed to escape mythology and then learned to be a legend in basketball instead. In simplified terms, girls like Lee Jeno.
Naturally, of course, girls are all over him. That's something really common between the four of his friends, and you're not shocked that Jeno sleeps around-- because he just can. Girls will literally faint in front of him if they could, just to get his attention.
âDonât make a sound,â he whispered, desperately trying to finish while a girl, known as Jennie, was bent over the counter. His hands covered her mouth, and to be frank, he just want this to be over with.
And of course, in typical fashion, Jennie is also a name most of the students are familiar with. Cheerleading captain, arguably a girl thatâs expected to be with him. What makes it so easy, is that this girl is obsessed with Jeno.
Meanwhile Jeno, had no indication of being tied down. He likes hanging out with her sometimes, sure, but the girlâs way too much for him. Jeno likes being lowkey, despite being one of the most famous guy in campus, Jeno preferred to be outside the spotlight.
A couple more thrust, his eyes closed, mind far from the girl bent over in front of him whoâs just desperately wanting to pleasure him, Jeno finishes. He murmured a curse, and as soon as the feeling of cumming washes off, guilt starts creeping in his veins as Jennie smiled in satisfaction as she fixes her uniform.
âGod, youâre still so fucking good,â Jennie put her hands around Jenoâs neck, biting her lips in hopes to seduce the cold man in front of her.
âCome on, my brotherâs gonna be here soon,â Jeno shrugged her hands off, fixing his shirt. He did not even get the chance to take it off, Jennie just went and got what she wanted as soon as she enters the apartment.
Donât be mistaken tho, Jeno liked having sex, more so with a girl like Jennie. But Jenoâs consciousness canât help and tell him that heâs stringing along this girl, knowing full well heâs not even one bit interested in pursuing a relationship with her.
Jennie never really cared about what he thinks tho, so that kinds of shaves a bit off of his guilt.
âCall me, okay?â Jennie tried to give him a kiss, but heâs fast enough to dodge it.
Jeno sighed as he walked the girl to the door. And in some wicked timing, his brother opened it, his step stuttering as he saw Jennie, but never minded the fact that the girl is walking side to side. Jisung, his brother, have seen this situation way too much before that it doesnât shock him anymore.
Another footstep followed behind Jisung, You, not even sparing a glance over him, walking behind his brother. You looked bored, giving absolutely no interest over him or Jennie. He never really got bothered about it before. Heâs just wondering when you started ignoring his existence like this.
You were nothing like the girl he witnessed growing up all these years.
The sweet smiles you used to offer him were all gone. The once cute little y/n that he knew were long gone. But what can he do, thatâs just how it goes. Right?
People change. And you weren't an exception. But deep inside, Jeno has this unsettling sensation that hunts him at night. This isnât you. You used to light up the room whenever you walked in. You used to make him believe in butterflies and rainbows and shit, but now, youâre just⌠there.
Jeno often wonders. But thatâs about it. Heâs way too much of a pussy to actually read through your chapters that led into this character you have now. So Jeno, the ever so nonchalant, settles in being curiousâ not concerned in finding answers.
ৠâ§âË â
You were twelve, when you met Jisung.
At first, youâre confused. Thereâs a new family that moved in next door. It was a common occurrence in your neighborhood, really. In your very-long life experience of twelve years, youâve seen countless families moving in and out. So you question in your pretty little head why your Mom is way too excited about this next one.
Turns out, the family that will be moving in is your Momâs best friend. You were twelve, you did not care about your Moms friends like that. Apparently, theyâve been best friends ever since they were five. They just kept in touch all these years.
âI'm Jisung,â the little boy, an inch taller than you, reached out his peculiarly large hands at you.
You felt your Mom nudge you a little bit, so in annoyance, you accepted his hand. âY/n.â
Both mothers shrieked in excitement, but you were busy trying to examine this boy's hands.
Little did you know, that handshake would lead to years of friendship that youâd forever cherish, no matter how annoying this boy with freakishly large hands is.
âWhoâs that?â You ask, still helping Jisung to count all his pokemon cards. You point outside their house, by the courtside next to their pool.
Jisung looks, but rolls his eyes after. âThatâs my big brother, Jeno-hyung. Heâs obsessed with basketballs.â
Your little twelve year old eyes sparkle, watching the boy shoot hoops around the court.
âEw, you like boys?!â Jisung, disgusted.
âYour brother isnât a boy, Youâre a boy. Heâs a man.â You sigh dreamily in sight of Jeno, making Jisung gag.
âHeâs old, like, fourteen. Please, heâs a loser! Playing with balls all day,â Jisung says as he waves his hands in an attempt to distract you from his brother.
âOh wellâŚâ you didnât let it falter your adoration towards Jeno.
And before you could even watch him longer than you wished, Jisungâs mother called you two in for clubhouse sandwiches, and she made banger sandwiches so you really had to follow up to the kitchen.
You were fourteen, when you realized you had a crush on Jisungâs big brother.
âThatâs bullshit, the paranormal movie is full of crap!â Chenle, your new found friend, complains as soon as the movie ends. His high pitched voice woke you up, not even realizing you had slept halfway through the movie.
âDude, itâs from CCTV footage. Itâs definitely true!â Jisung counters, and you just want to go back to sleep again.
The Paranormal Movie was mediocre, and maybe you were just a sceptic, but ghosts just doesnât do it for you. âMost of these horror films really just depend on jumpscares to be scary.â
âOh, coming from Miss Little poopy pants over here,â
The room went silence over Jisungâs attempt at a clapback, you and Chenle looking at each other before breaking into a laughing pit.
âPoopy pants? Really?â You say, refusing to believe that Jisung still used that term as an insult.
Jisung, obviously flustered, resorted in grabbing two cushions, one at each hands and started throwing them at the both of you.
âJust get the freaking potato chips downstairs.â Jisung says, specifically to you.
âWhat? No! Iâm not going down there!â You say, as you bury yourself further on Jisungâs bed.
âBecause youâre scared?â Chenle, in a mocking tone. You flip him off, to try and cover the fact that you are scared because itâs night time and the lights are off.
âNo, ghosts arenât real. Why canât Chenle go?â You whine even more.
âHe already got the drinks, and this is my house so what I say goes!â Jisung grabbed your wrist and pulled you out of the bed.
And because you like proving your point that ghosts arenât real, you let out a grunt, stomping your way out of Jisung's room.
Your way down the stairs goes smoothly, the light still being on. But as soon as you turn to the dark kitchen, thatâs when it creeps in. Yes, you do not believe in ghosts, but youâd be fooling yourself if you say that being alone in the large empty kitchen didnât scare you.
âOh, god.â You whisper to yourself, as you desperately find the chips cabinet. Rummaging through as quiet as possible, but also trying to find it as soon as possible.
But when a noise from the table interrupts the creepy silence, you canât help but yelp out a scream.
âOh my gosh!â
You turn your head towards the table, just to find a cute little cat that had lost its way through the big surface.
âThank God it was just a little cat,â you say in relief, but as soon as you try and step closer to it, a name being called from the stairs can be heard.
âBongsik-ah!â
So it has a name. Bongsik.
A figure walks down the stairs, obviously, being Jeno.
You immediately fold into yourself, biting your lip as soon as he enters the kitchen.
âWhat are you doing down here?â He says as he carries the cat off the table and on his chest. It took a couple of seconds for him to look at you, and he smiles.
âY/n-ie. Do you need something from the kitchen?â His soft voice snaps you from the trance, as he helps you with the chips you were trying to get from the upper cabinet. His body was so close to you as he did so, that you swear you can feel his heart beating.
âY-yeah.. Just those chips. Thanks.â Your entire demeanor changes when it comes to him.
âHere you go,â He says softly, you wonder if he intentionally talks to you like that, or itâs just how he talks. A little bit inside you likes to believe youâre special and that he does this only to you.
âThanks, uhâ new cat?â You say in the most casual tone you could ever produce.
âYep, a rescue. Mom brought it home the other day. Jisung freaked,â He chuckles as he looks at the cat, snuggling in his chest.
You awe in sight, wanting to pet the cat but you hesitated at first.
âYou can pet it,â Jeno moves his body to yours, to allow you to pet Bongsik. You did so, and when the cat purrs at your touch, you gasp in awe.
âHi Bongsik,â you say in a whisper, intended for the cat only. But you can feel Jeno smile at you.
âYou can visit her everyday, not that youâre not here everyday, but sheâs gonna be here starting now..â
âSheâs adorable,â you say, still petting the cat in his arms.
âI love cats, any pet really. But cats just really bring out the inner softness in me, yâknow?â Him being this close to you feels weird and intimate, but it's not like you hate it. Your heart is practically doing jumping-jacks right now.
You use him focusing on Bongsik as an excuse to look at him, even just a glance.
You get a closer look on his face, the mole he has under his left eye, the thin lips and his perfect nose. In the two seconds you allow yourself to take a peek, you convince yourself that you had his features memorized now.
You can just feel that itâs just gonna live with you forever.
Because as he takes Bongsik away and starts walking back up the stairs, you make a big-girl realization that you do have a crush on Lee Jeno.
ৠâ§âË â
Jeno was woken up by the sound of his phone ringing. It was his brother, Jisung, calling in the middle of the night asking for his keys.
âWhat do you need my car for?â Jeno, frustrated as he grabs his keys from the night stand.
âMy car broke down and Y/N really needs to get home.â Jisung on the other line also sounded like he just woke up. Jeno curses under his breath.
This wasnât the first time he heard his brother in trouble with you being the main source of chaos. Itâs always the same thing. Either youâre black-out drunk, or one of your boyfriends has dumped you on the side of the street.
Over the years, you had changed so drastically it almost gave him a whiplash. You used to be so careful and so paranoid about drinking, waiting until you turn 18 to get a sip of alcohol. And when you did, itâs like you never stopped.
So despite Jenoâs interrupted slumber, he gets up and leaves his shared apartment with his friends, just to wait outside his building for his brother. And surely, just like every other time this has happened before, he finds Jisung standing there in the cold.
âI need my car tomorrow, in pristine condition. One scratch and youâre done,â Jeno, tossing the car keys to his brother.
Jisung didnât bother to answer, depicting the reality of brotherhood. But before Jisung could leave, Jeno turns to him.
âWhat happened this time?â
âSheâs reallyââ
âDrunk?â Jeno finishes his sentence, as if he had seen this before. Jisung sighs in agreement.
â--yeah, and Chenleâs drunk too so he canât drive her back to the apartment.â
âWhat happened to her? She isnât really like this, at all.â Jeno dared to indulge in one of his curiosities.
âIâve been asking the same question, hyung.â Jisung ends the conversation without really answering Jenoâs question, which frustrated him more.
Because of course, nobody really knows what happened. Itâs a question he needs to ask you, directly. Only if you didnât spend the last few years avoiding being on the same vicinity as him, then maybe he could actually talk to you.
âThree seconds left on the clock, Lee, for the three.. He shoots⌠and bang! Lee Jeno has done it again!â
Jeno thinks itâs getting way too easy for him. Winning at this point just felt like a routine for him. The new normal, itâs just how it goes around him now. Everytime the other team makes a mistake of letting him have the ball, the game ends with Jeno taking home the win.
Honestly, itâs getting pretty boring and predictable.
âThatâs my fuckinâ man!â Yangyang, one of his teammates, excitedly hugs Jeno as he entered yet again another victory party for his team. Itâs his second one this semester.
âOkay, dude, chill.â Jeno pushes the very drunk Yangyang away, afraid of getting thrown up on.
As he sinks his feet deeper into the party, he starts getting loose. The alcohol hitting the tense spot in his body, reminding him that fuck it, heâs the man of the evening. This party is for him. So why not have fun, right?
The music starts to sound less chaotic and more tolerable, and the people start to get blurry. Weed and alcohol really does the trick, Jeno thinks.
âJeno, the man of the hour! That game was lit!â Jenoâs not sure whoâs this man, but nevertheless, he still smiled at him and let him dap him up. He blabbers more and more about Jenoâs career path in professional basketball but just like always, Jeno just dismiss it.
Itâs too early to plan for the future. Heâs enjoying what he has now and content on just thinking about what happens today.Tomorrow is tomorrowâs problem, and he canât be bothered to be bothered about what his future brings.
Some people likes to think they know whatâs best for Jeno, and sometimes it does make sense, Jeno getting to the professional basketball league, in tune to what he does best now. But fuck that. Jeno doesnât want to be in a box full of other peopleâs expectation of him.
âJaeminâs not here?â Jeno finds relief to hear Renjunâs voice, one of his very few trusted people. In some way, knowing Renjun was here by his side, it made him feel that heâs okay.
âYeah.. heâs still locking himself out.â Jeno answers.
Jaemin was his best friend first, and he knows Jaemin well. And for the first time, he knows Jaemin really do need time for himself. This isnât something Jeno could fix, he knows when to step away. So he lets Jaemin be.
âHaechan?â
Jeno saw Haechan earlier but heâs not sure where he is now. Thatâs just how he is. Heâs probably in one of the rooms upstairs, on his way to âpound townâ in Haechanâs terms.
In typical Jeno fashion, he tolerates some annoying congratulations for a bit, give fake smiles and forced handshakes before finding his way to escape the crowd. Although itâs difficult because again, this party is thrown for him and his team, he still finds a way.
And that way has a name. Yunjin.
âAh, Jeno,â
At the back of the party, there's a huge backyard, large enough that if heâs with this girl fucking around at the very end of it, heâs sure no one will notice. His hands roam freely against the girl, letting her know his full intention. Not like she has no clue, the hands up her skirt gave her enough hints.
âHmm,â Jeno hums, just to satisfy the girlâs pleas.
But before it gets further, a rustle of the grass made him stop his tracks.
Someoneâs here.
âWhâwhat happened,â Yunjin was confused as to why he suddenly stopped.
Jeno furrows his brows, and tries to look at whoever was on the back of the big oak tree.
âSorry! Sorryâ fuck, carry on, please!â
The familiar pitch of voice made Jeno move away from Yunjin. He knows who it is behind the tree. And he suddenly has no interest in going home with Yunjin.
You stumbled out of your hiding with a bottle of alcohol on your right hand, your left trying to pathetically cover your eyes as you tried to walk.
Jeno hates it. He fucking hates how drunk you are right now.
âOh shit, Jeno!â You peek at the gap in your fingers that was covering your eyes, to see him looking at you with a mix of emotion you canât make out. Heâs not angry, but heâs definitely not amused.
âIâ,â you burped, âIâm not here..â you followed with a laugh, finding all these hilarious.
âDonât mind me!â you laugh again.
Jeno murmured a curse. âYejin, Iâm sorry but I need to go,â he says in finality, not even waiting for the girl to answer as he walks straight in your direction.
âItâs Yunjin! Ugh!â The last words he hears from the girl before she stomps away.
He shakes his head as tried grabbing your arm, to help you at least find a stable balance. He grabs the alcohol out of your grasp harshly.
âHey, what the fuck!â You whined. You tried to chase the bottle, but with his hold on your arms, you failed to do so.
âY/n, please, fucking stay still. Youâre very drunk!â He says in a strict but stable voice, not wanting to rile you up even more.
âGive me it,â You whined again, much softer this time, and with no attempt at grabbing the bottle.
He looks at your struggling figure, eyes almost closing as you stumble against his hold.
âAh, fuck it,â he curse one more time before propping you off your feet, carrying you in a bridal style.
âHey, get meâ Oh my gosh! Help!â You yell, but followed with a giggle, which made the people around you think that the situation is not something to be worried about. And they know you and Jeno, so him carrying you just makes sense.
He hates this version of you. He hates how this character you have is so far from what he knew you from. He hates that you find comfort in drinking, partying and sleeping with other men. He hates that whatever happened, it completely changed you. He hates that he cares.
âWhat the fuck are you staring at?â Jeno canât help but to lash out at some people who gives him and you a judgemental look. He despises people who judge you.
He finds an empty room upstairs, and he puts you down gently. You dress is up to your waist now, so Jeno pulled it down. He opened his phone to text his brother to let him know youâre with him. He knows Jisung will be worried at your whereabouts. He also texted Chenle, to make sure that they know youâre safe.
He grabs a clean washcloth out the bathroom, and soaks it with cold water.
âIâm not⌠I am drunk.â You say, swaying your head left to right as you lay in the bed, trying to grab at whateverâs the softest around you.
He sat a foot away from you, but still reached his hands to your face to gently caress you with the soaked towel. This might help sober you up.
Speaking of being sober, Jeno entirely forgets that heâs also intoxicated. For some reason, he sobered up. Seeing you in this state made him think that he needed to straighten up and get you out of here.
âWhat the fuck are you doing to yourself, y/n..â he says under his breath, as he gently brushes the towel on your face. Seeing you deep in sleep now, he sighed.
You used to be so bubbly. You were sweet as honey, as bright as the sun. He still remembers how your eyes lit up every time you would talk to him. As he looks at you right now, itâs still the same features, the soft ones he grew to know, but he knows that once you wake up, youâd be a stranger again.
He sighed in defeat, and stood up. He was about to get water for you, before the door opened.
âJeno,â It revealed Qian Kun, a man he heard is your boyfriend. Not sure about the boyfriend part, but heâs sure that he hangs out with you a lot these days.
Kun was his senior, basically the smartest man on this campus. Famous for his 5.0 GPA, this Kun guy really is a genius. He used to get notes from him, back when he was writing for his research paper. He had no idea how you two met, but itâs really not his business.
âShe was in the backyard, drunk as fuck.â Jeno says, looking at your peaceful figure.
âAlright. Iâll take it from here,â Kun says, walking past him, around the bed to get to your side.
He can hear Kun murmur a pet name as he caresses your hair. Jeno felt the need to roll his eyes.
âNext time, keep an eye on her. If you canât handle her, maybe you shouldnât be with her at all.â Jeno didnât care if he sounded harsh. He needs to let Kun know that you need to be taken care of properly.
âYou donât know her, Lee. So I suggest, keep your mouth shut and mind your own business.â Kun snapped back, standing up to look back at Jeno.
âOh, I knew her long before you did. But I agree, sheâs your business. I just hate to fucking deal with it because you canât fucking seem to do it yourself.â With that, Jeno walks out the room.
And even if Jeno sounded secure, he canât lie and say that leaving you with another man didnât affect him, even just one bit.
ৠâ§âË â
Looks from other people don't budge you at all.
They can stare at you, even whisper some bullshit about you, you really donât give a shit. Thereâs nothing they can say that youâve not said to yourself.
âYou really should take it slow with the alcohol, y/n.â The first thing Jisung said as you sat down beside him. You rolled your eyes, and looked at him.
âNot you too,â You say rather exhaustedly.
âEspecially me too. Iâm your bestfriend and Iâm just worried.â Jisung wasnât the type to give out unsolicited advice, a serious one at that, therefore you sighed.
âItâs college, Jisung. Weâre supposed to have fun.â
âNot to a point where other people have to take care of you.â That came out rather harsher than what Jisung had intended, but you really need it. You know it too. You just refuse to believe it.
âYou donât have to take care of me.â
âIf not me, then who? Youâve been passed out drunk for the third time this week, y/n. I donât know what definition of fun you have, but I think itâs not this.â Jisung was scarily serious now. You blink to try and process the seriousness of the situation.
You gulp, realizing that Jisung isnât in the mood for your snarky comments right now. âAlright, damn. Iâll take it down a notch..â you say and look away from him.
You canât blame Jisung for acting like this. You know that youâre spiraling down, you just refuse to accept it. In your head, this is just how college life goes. You get drunk, have sex and maybe a little bit of homework here and there. In your head, this is how it should be.
In a fucked up world, it is. But your world is already fucked up. So in a way, it just makes sense. To you.
âYou have to get better,â Kunâs words rang in your head.
âThis is the best I can, Kun. Chemistry isnât really my thing,â you turn your homework down at Kunâs table. You were here after class, hoping to get help from Kun.
Despite popular belief, Kun isnât your boyfriend. Youâre too fucked up to commit into a relationship, no matter how good Kun is. Matter of fact, Kun is just the perfect man for that role. You can see yourself going straight with him, like your life might just take a turn for the better.
However, no matter how evil you see yourself as, youâre not that evil to give Kun the burden to have you as a girlfriend. You canât do that to him.
And you did clarify that to him before sleeping with him. That whatever you have, just had to stay that way. He canât expect something more. Surprisingly, he agreed. Qian Kun, the guy that has so much credentials because of his undeniable intelligence, the guy who rejected Harvard and Stanford, agreed to have a stupid set-up with a girl thatâs one step away from actually losing it. Why?
You have absolutely no idea.
âIâm not talking about your homework, my love.â He says, sighing. You know that sigh very well.
You look at him, your eyes stoic as they can be. âWeâre not having this conversation.â
Kun closed his eyes as he let out a deep breath. âYou need to have this conversation. Lee Jeno had to carry you upstairs, in front of everyone last night. You were so drunk that you threw up all over yourself and you think thatâs okay?â
Oh, so thatâs what happened. He had to rescue you. Out of all people, of course it had to be him.
âLook, Kun, I didnât come here to be judged. I was stupid for drinking that much, I know. But itâs not gonna happen again.â You say matter-of-factly. This is the second time this day that you had to promise to someone that youâll be drinking responsibly. You feel like everyone is ganging up on you.
âOkay, sweetheart. Okay, calm down.â You didnât know you were standing up until Kun pulled you from your wrist to sit back down.
Kun smiled at you and kissed your forehead, before sliding your homework back in front of you again and clicking his pen. âLet me see your answersâŚâ
Youâre glad he decided to drop the topic, but before you could even say thank you, an aggressive knock on Kunâs office got both of you to look up.
âY/N! I know youâre in there! Qian, open your fucking door!â
You widen your eyes. âFuck, itâs Yeonjun!â you say, standing up and grabbing your purse.
Kun looks at you, before looking back at the door. You can tell he had a very concerned face, but as soon as another manâs name fell out of your lips, he knew right away what situation youâre in. He pinched the bridge of his nose due to stress, and stood up.
âWhat is it this time?â He asks, not that he needed to.
âHeâs just⌠Ugh, I told him we were over!â You say, feeling bad that this situation is happening in front of Kun. The knocks are turning more aggressive.
âY/N, you slut!â Another loud bang from the door.
âIâll deal with him.â Kun says. You immediately shake your head in disagreement.
âNo! Iâll go. You donât need toââ
âIâm not letting that man harass you, y/nââ
âNo, Kun. Iâm not letting you deal with my problems anymore.â Before Kun could even say anything, you opened up the door to see a very angry Yeonjun.
Kun rushed to your side, but you didnât let him get in contact with Yeonjun and slammed the door shut.
âYouâre gonna ghost me and you think thatâs funny?â Yeonjun seemed to calm down, seeing you in front of him.
Thereâs quite a crowd thatâs forming in the hallway, some have their phones out, some whispering whilst looking at you two. Not that you care.
âLetâs talk outsideââ
âYes, youâre coming with me after I punch thatââ Before Yeonjun could even finish saying it, you looked him straight in the eyes, pointing at him.
âYouâre not touching Kun,â you say, full of conviction. If thereâs anything you could do for Kun, its that you will protect him from getting tangled with your mess.
You pulled his wrist to get him out of the building.
At the end of the day, thereâs one thing that could shut these kinds of men up. Itâs getting real easy, one thing you do for them and theyâll behave like a dog. Itâs getting laughable, really.
So you shut them up. By doing what you do best.
ৠâ§âË â
You were sixteen, when you got your heart broken for the first time.
âStop looking at my brother, you weirdo.â Jisung threw a pillow towards your position on the couch.
The soft object hit you right in the noggin, earning a grunt as you pulled your eyes off of him.
âBitch. Itâs not my fault heâs getting hotter by the day. Damn,â
You were busy staring out the pool area, where Jeno and his friends are hanging out. You were at Jisungâs place, spending your summer in the most boring ways.
Good thing Jenoâs gorgeous self is here, entertaining you. Heâs so pretty, you could just eat him up.
âNo heâs not. Heâs a nerd!â Jisung fights back, earning a smirk from you.
âSays the one who's summer plans are to play league of legends until he becomes a âChallengerâ .â You retort, cranking your neck back to where Jeno was.
You recognize his friends, of course. Theyâre starting to gain popularity in the school, especially when Jeno got on the basketball team.Heâs been working out a lot, gaining extra muscles, toning his body to get even hotter. If thatâs even possible.
âEugh, Jisung, y/nâs drooling over Jeno-hyung again.â Chenle enters the conversation, with a soda in his hand and plops himself on the couch.
âI am not drooling!â
âI got something you can drool on.â Chenleâs awful snark earns a hefty punch on his shoulder from you, the boy laughing in a high-pitch tone that makes it even more annoying than it is.
âAnyways, I think he likes me too.â You sigh dreamily, remembering the things Jeno does to you specifically.
He always carries your bags for you. Heâs always the first person to welcome you into their house, and the first person to ask if youâve had breakfast yet. He offers you rides to school when he sees you walking, and he always asks how your day has been. Heâs so charming, so nice and you just canât help but give at least a little bit of malice into it.
I mean, there has to be something, right?
âOh sheâs crazy. Sheâs fucking insane!â Chenle dramatically gasps, and points at you like youâve committed a crime.
âThat is seriously concerning, y/n. The level of delusionâ my god.â Jisung joins in, as he pauses his game to look back and judge you.
âYou two are just haters. Get off my ass!â You flip them off, with two hands, each one gets a middle finger from you.
âLook, y/n, weâre just sparing you from getting your little heart broken. Jeno-hyung does not like you.â Chenleâs tone becomes more serious this time, but in your head, heâs wrong. If Jeno didnât like you, then why would he get out his way just to walk you home whenever you leave their house way too late?
âSeriously. You guys, I really think heâs the one for me. I mean, I canât really think of any other reason as to why heâs so kind to me, yâknow?â
Jisung looked at Chenle as if he really cannot believe what heâs hearing from you. Chenle shakes his head left to right, disappointment spread all over his face.
A set of laughter broke your conversation as you three faced out the pool side, to see Jeno and his friends now actually playing in the pool. Jeno then went on the edge, the ones in front of the back door where you were looking from, and pulled himself out of the water.
The trinkets of water dripping in his hair was one thing, but his wet body being revealed in front of you, the perfect curve of his shoulders down to his small waist, and the veins in his arms definitely woke something up in you.
âYeah⌠Iâll confess to him tonight.â your voice almost sounded strange, like you were in a hypnotic state, still mesmerized by Jeno.
âJesus christ, y/nââ before Jisung finishes, Chenle interrupts.
âDude, let her. This is her canon event.â
You had no idea what that means, and youâre not interested to know. One thingâs in your mind, Jeno will be yours by midnight.
9:56pm
Itâs like the heavens planned it all out for you.
Jenoâs friends all left, as to your surprise, because you thought theyâd at least spend the night. Jeno had always offered to let his friends stay, but this time, he asked them to leave before 6. Which is odd, yes, but this all favors you in a way.
Chenle and Jisung still visibly opposed to your idea, and youâre sure they had reason to think its not gonna work out, but itâs not like it matters to you.
Whilst the three of you are in Jisungâs room, you can hear the TV on the lounge area. Their parents are out of town this summer, something about a cruise, so that means, it has to be Jeno.
In your mind, itâs the perfect timing. Itâs deep in the evening, the moonâs out, and thereâs never been an opportunity where youâre brave enough to actually confess.
Your heartbeat notches another tempo, as you leave Jisungâs room, much to the twoâs dismay.
Before you could get to the lounge area, youâd have to pass the kitchen first.
A couple more steps, your feet turning cold, but you still managed. But before you can get a glimpse on the couch, your name was called.
âY/n?â Itâs him. Fuck, itâs him!
Okay, so heâs in the kitchen. Thatâs fine. Take a deep breath, You just gotta talk to him!
âJeno,â
You took a step closer to where he was, and heâs looking extra delectable with his white shirt and grey sweatpants. Not that thereâs been a moment where he didnât look good.
âAre you going home? Ask Jisung to walk you home, I kindaââ
âJeno, I want to talk to you, actually.â Now your voice trembles, and youâre starting to feel nervous.
âOh, okay. Sure, whatâs up?â Jeno looks to be still oblivious to your anxious state. He puts down the wine that he was holding, and turned to you completely.
You gulped, finally looking up to his eyes. He had a shadow of smile on them, but was still curious on what you had to say. You're mere two feet away from him, yet his musky scent still invades your nose.
God, all of that can be yours.
âBut youâd have to say it fast because I haveââ
âI like you. Very much.â
The deafening silence engulfs you, and only the sound of your heartbeat was prominent. Him, on the other hand, eyes wide, mouth ajar.
ââand I know this is so sudden but Iâve liked you ever since we were kids. Iâve always thought you were cute and nice to me!â You tried to fill in the silence, because every second that passed with him not saying anything kills you.
Another second passed, and your nervousness is long gone, because it was replaced by an impending doom.
âY/n, look, I really appreciate it but⌠I-Iâm just being nice.. I have to be nice. Youâre my brotherâs best friendââ
Fuck, shit, fuck! This cannot be happening!
âOh, my, god!â
A high pitched voice behind you tores the tension in the air, and when you looked back, you saw Eunmi, with an amused look in her face, then covering her mouth with her hands.
She let out a laugh, as if he finds all of this ridiculous.
All of a sudden, you canât breathe. Your heart was about to explode as you looked back at where Jeno was, seeing two wine glasses behind him. The movie in the background, still playing.
And it all just stops.
âThatâs so cute!â Eunmi screeched, before walking towards Jeno and snaking her arms around him.
âBabe, I was wondering why itâs taking so long, you didnât tell me this girl is pouring her heart out to you! Awe,â
You can feel your eyes warming up. You had so much left to say. But your voice canât be found. The heart ache was too loud for you to even utter a word.
And in the end, all you could say was, âIâll.. go home.â
Then you were gone, every step with every tear drop, and although you expected it to hurt, it still surprises you how painful it was.
Youâre glad he didnât run after you. You canât be more pathetic than this, but it would kill you for him to witness your vulnerability.
Jeno was your first love.
And then Jeno became your first heartbreak.
With all the smiles he brought you, you never thought he could cause you so many tears.
ৠâ§âË â
Is it wrong to be this young and this tired?
You look at yourself in the mirror, analyzing every inch of your body. On the contrary, you donât hate what you see. Youâve worked so hard to attain the body that you have now, and youâre satisfied where youâre at.
But thereâs an empty feeling in your stomach that never left, and you canât seem to figure out what it is. Itâs always been there.
âGet back to bed,â You hear a disgruntled sound from the bed, and immediately your smile fades. Youâre pulled back to reality, one that you hated to be in.
âIâm going home,â you say, before grabbing your clothes and putting them back on.
You donât know why you do this, but you wait before walking out the door, for a sliver of a second to see if the man on the bed even attempts to ask you to stay. And just what you expected, he didnât.
Sometimes you wish youâre worthy of being asked to stay, but who were you kidding.
Thereâs a deep routed scar that youâve been trying so hard to cover. You like to think that the antidote that you have for it works, but the way youâve been stuck in the same situation all over again says otherwise.
You thought you were healing, but the truth is, you just stopped feeling.
All your life is ahead of you, they say. But yours feels far behind.
You donât really know where you went wrong, you thought if you became pretty, everybody would like you. You thought that if you agreed to sleep with them, theyâd appreciate you. You thought that if you change your entire personality, they would start to see you.
Where did you go wrong? You dyed your hair blonde, you worked your body to achieve the hourglass figure and you even went ahead and let every man that looks your way to have you. Isnât that enough?
See, this is why you hate being sober. You hate being alone with your thoughts, because it drowns you. You start thinking of things that overwhelms you to the point of tears, and you hate crying. Youâve already done too much of that before.
So why does everybody hate you for drinking? If thatâs the only escape you know? It isnât fair.
âIâm losing my mind,â you say, biting your nails and jerking your knees in frustration.
âJesus, youâre like a crack addict without crack for a day.â Chenle says as he looks at you.
âShe hasnât had alcohol in a week,â Jisung says as if heâs proud, smiling at you.
You roll your eyes. Youâve been trying to stray off alcohol ever since Jisung and Kun asked you to. You ought to at least try, because you owe them that. On the latter part, if it didnât work, and you spiral out, you can at least say that you tried.
âAh, fuck it.â You say, but before Jisung freaks, you clarify, âIâm just gonna smoke for a bit, grandpa.â You say and dashed out of his dorm, down to the parking lot.
Itâs winter, and the snow has already covered the streets. The cold was always your favorite season, it gives you reason to just stay inside and cuddle up in your cozy room.
You open up a new packet of cigarettes as you stand outside basking in winter air. Itâs especially windy today, you thought.
The heat of the smoke traveling through your lungs was refreshing. It rivals the coldness of the wind, creating a balance that hits you just right. A perfect combination of sensation to combat the numbness in you.
Before the light hits the filter of the cigarette, you hear a screeching sound to your left.
It was a car, no, it was his car.
You mentally curse, throwing the unfinished stick to your feet and stomping on it. You frantically try to walk back up the building, but as you hear the car door slamming, you take a deep breath.
âSmokingâs really bad for you,â Jeno says, walking towards your direction.
âYou basically run off of weed and gatorade, Jeno.â
Although you did try your best to keep walking, Jeno catched up in a couple of steps. You stood together waiting for the elevator.
âIs Chenle upstairs, too?â He starts.
âYeah. Congrats on the game, Jeno. Sorry I had to ruin your night,â you followed it with a slight laugh, hoping to lighten the mood.
âNah, itâs fine. Didnât wanna stay in that party anyways,â
The elevator finally dings open, you hesitate to move at first, but when Jeno enters the lift and looks at you, you take this as a sign to walk in with him. So walk in you did.
âKun took care of you, right?â He asks. You badly wanted to look at him, but you chose not to.
âYeah.. heâs a great guy.â You silently say, not feeling good about the conversation.
âHm,â he paused. The suspicious tone made you look at him, anticipating what comes out of his mouth next.
âI saw you walking out of Yeojun's dorm last night tho.â He says as if it was nothing, as if it was a little detail he had to tell you. But the underlying idea behind his statement was obvious.
You hitched your breath. No, y/n. Fight back.
âWhat can I say, Iâm booked and busy.â
âYouâreâ thatâs not something to be proud of, y/n.â He states as if heâs running out of patience, now looking back at you.
You smirked wider, âOh donât be a hypocrite, Jeno. You do the same damn thing,â
He grunts in frustration. âYes but youâre different, y/n!â
8⌠9âŚ.
âDifferent in what way? Because Iâm a woman? And this isnât what women do? Donât give me that bullshit,â
âFuck that, you know thatâs not what I meant. Iâm just protecting you from what people think about you.â
10⌠11⌠12âŚ
âJeno, I want you to listen to me carefully.â You took another step closer to him, looking up to level your face with his. ââwhatever you heard about me, I want you to times it by a million, and when you think itâs bad, make it worse.â You whispered.
You tilt your head to hover your lips on his ear, âAnd guess what, who knows, maybe theyâre telling the truth.â
And as soon as the elevator hits the 15th floor, you walk out without looking back.
ৠâ§âË â
You were a lost cause.
Jeno thought he just needed to accept the fact that youâre just never gonna be the same.
He doesnât know why it bothered him so much, the fact that youâre not letting anyone help you. It never bothered him before, and so, it shouldnât bother him now.
Itâs not his fault that you turned out to be this way. Itâs not his fault.
So he distracts himself. Both in ways of basketball and women.
He tried to go back to his old ways, back to where heâs safe. He was doing fine, before you plagued his system. Plus, itâs not like he didnât try, he damn did try.
Maybe this version of you is the real you. Maybe this is whatâs meant to be.
âHoly fuck,â Haechan eyes the woman who walks out of Jenoâs room, obviously checking her out. Jeno just rolled his eyes and spread his arms around the back of the couch. Dragging a long hit of the weed he seemed to never get run out of.
âThatâs the third girl this week, Jeno. Are you trying to break my record?â Haechan scoffed, as if proud of his friend.
âIâm not trying to break anything, but if you want, Iâd gladly break your nose.â
Haechan put both his hands up, taking a step back because out of all of them, Jenoâs the one who could really do it. And heâs not trying to risk his beautiful face.
âDude, this is bad.â Renjun was the second one to comment, following Haechan. He looked at Jenoâs state, and he can tell somethingâs not right. Thereâs something bothering Jeno, and Renjun canât exactly tell what.
He had an idea, but heâs sure as hell wonât tell it to Jenoâs face.
âWhat? I have two weeks before the game. I need to relax.â Jeno says, ignoring the concern in Renjunâs face.
âAnd this is relaxing to you?â Renjun grabs an empty bottle of beer, one of the many thatâs scattered all over the place.
Jeno didnât answer, letting a sigh out of his lips and closing his eyes. He canât think straight right now, or in the past week. He had been sleeping with different girls, to the point where he ran out of bed sheets to use. His room stinks of sweat and axe body spray, and he canât seem to be satisfied, at all.
âI donât know, Junnie. Just⌠leave me alone.â At this moment, Renjun canât help but sigh. It's these kinds of moments where he knows that Jeno needs someone. Where the one month gap in their age really shines and Jeno needs his older brother, Renjun.
He puts down the plastic bag of trash and sat beside Jeno. âLook, Jeno. Iâm not gonna sit here and ask you what this is about, but this is starting to look really sad. Jaemin is already down, and I donât need you broken too. I canât handle Haechan by myself,â Renjun, in an attempt to lighten up the mood.
âJunnie, just let me be, okay? I swear.. this will pass.â
âI sure hope it would. Because you canât fix someone if youâre broken yourself. Thatâs just plain dumb.â
He grunts, and cursed deeply because he knowâs Renjunâs right. But how can he, when it feels like heâs stuck? When has everything, but he feels like heâs got nothing? He has a great future ahead of him, he knows that, but why does it feel like somethingâs missing?
Girls, money, fame. What more could he want?
In a split second, Jeno regrets asking himself that question. Because he feel like he knows the answer, but he really doesnât like it.
ৠâ§âË â
âLee Jeno, what the fuck was that?!â
Yangyang pushed Jeno, but instead of fighting back, Jeno just shook his head. He raked his fingers across his hair as he sat at the bleachers.
Thank fuck this isnât the actual university game. Because if it was, theyâd for sure lose the first quarter and Jeno will have his first ever loss written on his otherwise squeaky clean reputation.
âDonât fucking yell at my face.â Jenoâs voice thundered.
âFive hundred dollars are at stake, and Minho would not let us live if you lose against him, Jeno.â Yangyangâs voice was a lot more controlled, but still angry, nonetheless.
âMan, I donât really care.â Jeno let out an unenthusiastic chuckle, drinking out of his tumbler.
âWhat?â Yangyang feels like heâs mistaken. Lee Jeno doesnât care if he loses? In a basketball game, that is? Oh he truly thinks the world has turned upside down.
Before he could even ask his friend again, Minho starts shouting from the other side of the court.
âWhat, Lee Jeno? The magic doesnât work now, doesnât it?â Minho yells, earning a laugh from his teammates.
âFuck you! Games not over, bitch!â Yangyang yells back, full of confidence but looked back at Jeno, worry splattered in his face.
âDude, I swear, we need to put that son of a bitch back in his place!â Yangyang angrily whispers.
âIâm gonna sit this one out, Yangââ
âHow about we bet on that y/n girl?! Your brotherâs friend, right? Heard she spreads it open to just about anyone who looks at her funny!â
Without even thinking, Jenoâs fast on his feet, and his vision turns red. His fist curled up and his logical thinking was out of the window. His vision is straight at Minho, and his only thought is to knock this bitch out.
Yangyang couldnât even process anything, as he watches Jenoâs eyes darkens and before any of his teammates could even try and stop Jeno, his fist already connects with Minhoâs face. The boy fell down, immediately knocked out, and chaos between both teams ensues. But Jeno didnât stop.
Heâs not letting Minho get up.
âJeno, slow the fuck down.â He heard a concerned voice at the corner of the nearby club he went to. His feet dragged him here after the incident, wanting to drown himself with anything that could take away his mind from everything.
One shot, two shots, three shots, four.
âIâm paying you, Doyoung, arenât I?â Jeno says, rolling his eyes at the older man in front of him.
Doyoung was another person Jeno trusts. Besides the three idiots back in his apartment, Doyoung is also the one Jenoâs comfortable with.
âYes, but I donât want to report an alcohol poisoning inside my bar, Jeno.â Doyoung can tell Jenoâs done for the night. Slumped over his counter, he forces the shot glass out of Jenoâs hold.
He signals one of his co-bartenders to take over the bar for a bit, before dragging Jenoâs body out of the bar. He notices the bruising at the boyâs hand but he didnât say anything and drove Jeno home.
âI donât want to go back to my apartment, Haechanâs there with a girl,â Jeno mumbled, slowly getting more and more sober as the fresh air wakes him up.
âWhereâd you want me to bring you then?â Doyoung asked.
âI donât know⌠fuck.. just, bring me back to my brotherâs.â
Thankfully, Doyoung knew Jisungâs apartment. Heâs close with both of the brothers, often being mistaken as a brother as well. But after graduating, he just naturally went off and did other things.
Doyoung huffs as soon as he successfully brought Jeno in front of Jisungâs apartment, however, another problem was that Jisung isnât answering the phone.
âJeno, I really canât stay here with you, I just sneaked out of my shift,â he explains, but Jeno just dismissed him and nods. Doyoung knocks at the door before he left, making sure that if there was a person inside, theyâd open the door for Jeno.
Jeno wasnât as drunk as earlier, thatâs for sure. Whatâs left is the pounding headache plus the fact that no oneâs opening the door for him.
Out of sheer frustration, he kicks the door, strong enough to make a banging sound but not hard enough to damage it.
âFucking Jisung,â he murmured to himself, almost turning his heels to walk out, but before he could, rattling on the other side of the door can be heard.
Jeno sighs in relief, but seconds after it opened, what greets him almost knocks the breath out of his lungs.
âShit, Jeno.â Your soft voice matched your soft expression as you look at him with obvious shock.
Jeno, on the other hand, didnât want to extend the painful awkward silence.
âI-Is my brother there?â Stuttering was never Jenoâs thing. Until this moment, he thinks.
âHeâs⌠heâs like, I think at a girls place somewhere⌠fuck, I think her nameâs Jieun or some shit..â Your eyes take turns in blinking, but still standing straightâ conflicting the idea that youâre drunk. Well, at least not y/n drunk.
âThen why are you here?â He didnât know why, but his hands automatically grabs the door knob to swing the door more open to see if youâre inside with somebody.
He just needs to know youâre alone.
âI crash here sometimes⌠when Iâm locked out of my apartment.â You shoulders where slumped, words were coming out slow. Jeno can tell youâre not sober.
He canât say shit because heâs not in an exactly sober state as well. So he just proceeds to walk past you to enter the dorm.
Technically, Jisungâs place is his place too. Their parents fixed it up for the two of them but Jeno chose to stay over at his shared apartment with the other boys. So he can do whatever he wants to do.
The entire place reeks of weed, and the floor has two empty bottles of Soju. He almost threw up, he hates Soju.
âJesus fucking christ, Jisung.â He murmured as he picks up the trash, forgetting that you were standing behind him baffled.
âIâm sorry about thatâŚâ Of course itâs yours. Of course youâve been drinking again. Fuck him for thinking that itâs his brotherâs fault. Because itâs would always be you.
Jeno stays quiet. Heâs not in the best mood to even look at you. Everything thatâs been happening to him recently is because of you. He hates that he blames you, but he canât just think of someone else.
âJeno...â Your soft voice calls for him again. It took everything from him to ignore you, and walk back to the kitchen and throw all the trash away.
Heâs hanging by a thread, and he starts to realize itâs a bad idea to stay here for long.
He takes a deep breath and walks towards the door, but before that, he felt a tight grip in his arms.
âJeno.. talk to me.â The sultry voice you had did not go unnoticed, and Jeno couldnât help but stop his tracks.
Donât break, Jeno.
âJeno.. please look at me.â
He forces your grip out of his arms. It kills him, so much to hear you like this.
âIâm leaving,â He managed to say, however, his feet says otherwise. Heâs standing still, not even another step out the door.
âYouâre not, please. Just⌠just look at me.â Jeno heaves, his hands turning into fists as he tries and compose himself.
Just this once.
He turns his heel and immediately surrendered. The moment he let his eyes on you, he already lost the game.
âWhy donât you want me?â
He gulps. He bit his lip to stop himself from saying anything, because he doesnât trust that heâs not going to say something heâs not ready to say.
âYouâve had so many girls.. Jeno, why not me? IâmâŚâ You paused, you look left to right as if youâre finding words to say. â..Iâm better than all of them.â
âY/nââ
âNo! Fuck it, Jeno! Thereâs no fucking reason why you wonât fuck me! It doesnât make any fucking sense!â Jeno hears ringing in his head, the string of patience threatening to snap.
âWhy? Explain to me fucking why you would fuck all those bitches and not me? I swear.. Jeno, Iâm goodâ fuck that, Iâm the bestââ
âIâm soââ
âAsk half of your team.â
In that note, the last thread he was hanging on to snapped. You want him? Fine. Take it.
He grips your arms and drags you inside of the room, and in his peripheral view, he can see your demeanor changes. Now, your eyes are mischievous, and your lips turning into a smirk.
âYou want to fucking play that game? Fine, Iâll fucking play with you.â Jeno almost growls, letting you sit on the bed as he slams the door shut.
âStrip.â He orders, in the most dominant voice he has.
You bit your lip as you look up at him. Slowly discarding your clothes one by one, but not breaking eye contact with him.
His eyes were dark. So dark that you canât tell anything thatâs on his mind. His jaw tightens at the sight of you almost stripped off of your dress.
âIâve been so fucking patient with you,â
The dim lights shone at his back, as he craned his body down, standing before you. Nearing his face unto yours, the mirror on the side of the bed depicted something out of a dark fairytale, a silhouette of a beast trying to tempt an angel.
But in reality, the angel had already fallen. Deep and hard. The beast didn't even have to do anything.
"Tell me you want me," he says.
"I do, Jeno. I really want you," And as of this moment, you lost the battle you've fought for all these years.
"All this time, huh? You're still lusting over your best friend's brother?" Now, his tone was slightly teasing. His once gentle hands on your cheeks turned possessive, his grip getting tighter.
"Dirty, dirty, dirty little girl. Bet when you fuck those boys, you think of me, don't you?" His thumb on your lower lip, parting it softly.
"This is your chance, y/n. Tonight, I'm yours. Just tell me the words," his whispers turned deadly, as his own lips are almost touching yours.
"J-jeno.."
"Pretty, pretty, pretty..." His words spit like venom. Every movement of his lips gave you a tease, your entire body burning with desire.
Your mind was under his control, and you completely and utterly surrendered to him. He's not yoursâ you're his.
"âPlease," you finally choked out, and like a green light, Jeno kissed you with hunger, pushing his entire body weight onto you forcing you to lay down on the bed.
âI thought you wonât beg anymore?â The cockiness in his voice would usually prompt a reaction from you but you donât care anymore.
This time, his hips close the distance between your bodies, maneuvering his knees to position between your legs. Careful not to crush you, he kept balance of his weight as he pushed his hip further, creating a slight friction between your clothed core.
After what it seemed like forever, his lips traveled down your neck, and almost immediately you can feel that he's gonna leave a mark. You'll definitely leave with a painted neck.
His hands expertly went under your dress, grabbing your breast, squeezing them ever so slightly. It doesn't take a full minute when his hands went around your back and unclasped your bra like it was nothing. All while he was focused on kissing every part of your skin.
Of course he's good at this.
Just then, he pulled away but only to pull your dress up and completely undress you. He took his time looking at your exposed body.
"You're so fuckin' perfect," he mumbled more so to himself as he admired you. He leaned in again but this time his mouth landed on one of your breasts, sucking them deftly.
"Shit, Jeno," you can't help but moan his name, grab the back of his head to level yourself. You pulled his hair, and you didn't know if he likes it, but with the way he groaned gave you a hint that he does.
As he keeps himself busy, his hands go down to your clothed core. Goosebumps ran down your body as his middle finger traced your slit, already feeling the wetness you've desperately hid before.
"So fuckin' wet, and all for me. Am I right, baby?" He whispered, you answered with a whiny 'yes' that it almost sounded like a stranger.
"Lemme' take this off," he quickly pulled down your panties, only to be welcomed by your soaking wet core. Jeno was ravenous, like he's been starved all his life.
The room was dark, only a dim lamp providing some light, but the wetness in your pussy glistens and reflects, that Jeno swore he's never seen something so beautiful. You're beautiful, and he's gonna make you feel just exactly that.
You can hear his belt buckle, him swiftly taking all his clothes off.
"God, I can never get used to how fucking pretty you are, my pretty little baby," he mumbled again, to himself.
"Who was the last guy you fucked, baby?" Jeno asked, catching you off guard. He was pumping himself as he looks at you, and you never thought he would ask such question.
"Wha-- why? I don't kn- probablyâ" Your speech cut off when you looked down at his moving arms, to see all of him.
You've heard rumors. You knew he was packing. But good God, he's so fucking big. Almost knocking the breath out of your lungs. You're starting to get worried if it would fit.
"Doesn't even matter.. everyone else doesn't count. Just me.â
He then pressed his finger down in your core, finding the clit right away. Rapidly circling his finger, and a wave of pleasure started to form. "Oh fuck--," you moaned.
He dove down to kiss you, this time passionately. Much softer than before. Only for you to feel his finger entering you that you went crazy. Not long before he added another,pumping it swiftly in and out. He moved away from your face to watch your expression. And he fucking loved it.
"Fuck, I'm gonna cum-" you whispered.
"Go on, baby." Jeno, encouraging you even more, fingers going faster.
"Shit.. oh my go-" and then it hit you, your first orgasm of the night. Jeno's face was all you can see, and his fingers was all you can feel. Your brows furrowed, mouth agape, you felt like you can't control your body. Jeno's lips was also parted, as if he gains pleasure from watching you reach your climax.
"Good girl," he groaned.
"Need more, Jen. Please," begging was never on your vocabulary, until now.
"Shh, no need to beg, baby. I'm more than willing to give you all," his sweet words acted as an aphrodisiac, igniting the fire in you. As if you needed him to be even more sexier.
Because it was dark in the room, your sense of touch is heightened. Every touch lingered, and its as if you were touch deprived your entire life. Jeno brings out your true colors, and you're not mad about it.
"Make you feel good," he whispered more praises, and you can hear him pump himself as he aligned his length onto your aching core.
"Oh my god," you can't help but gasp, the stretch overwhelming you. You've never taken someone this big before, and it fucking felt like its your first time. Not in a painful way, but because you've felt a whole new sensation.
"S' wet, baby, fuck, you're choking me," in a low groan, Jeno slowly bottomed out. He sits fully inside you, and you can feel every single inch, every single vein. It felt so raw, and so right.
"Hmm, fuck, fuck you feel.. fucking hell. S' good." You never expected Jeno to be this vocal, and you weren't complaining. You always thought he didn't like being vocal, but damn, were you so wrong.
"Jeno.." you moaned, and you can already feel your impending orgasm. Its just that good.
Before Jeno could even find a pace with his thrust,, he pulled out. Your eyes opened in confusion, from the abrupt emptiness.
"Fuck this," Jeno was fast on his feet, you wondered where he was going, but before your mind settles on a conclusion, you were blinded by bright lights.
"Need to see you properly," he reasoned, before he went back to the position he was before.
With the lights on, you can now see his perfectly lean body, toned abs and the sweat beading on his sideburns. He looked so hot that you could cum right there and then.
"So fucking beautiful," Jeno never failed to compliment you, as he stares at you before sliding it in again. For the second time you gasp, but because he slid it in so swift that you didn't even get a second to breathe before he pounds.
"Oh, fuck, Jeno!" you squealed, your entire body rocking back and forth with how rough he was.
His hands grabbed your left leg and hooked it in his shoulder, all the while he kept the fast pace of his thrusts. You can see his face twist, him biting his lips and looking up. His expert thrusts made his abs flex everytime. The sight was stunning, and for a second there you were lost. You can't believe other girls had seen this before you.
The orgasm you fought so hard was out of your control now, and you knew you weren't gonna last.
"Jeno, I'm gonna cum," you tell him, and he switched his position in no time. "Together. Cum with me," he muttered.
"Come inside, Jeno. I need it so bad," you were slurring words at this point, so barbaric with the feeling.
He unhooked your leg and leaned forward. Your body now pressed together as he wrapped your legs onto his waist, his hands finding your neck, holding it steady as he touched his forehead with yours. His piercing eyes were hyper focused on yours.
"Eyes on me, baby. Fuck, please," he moaned, his tempo going even more rapid and desperate. Both of your mouths was wide open at this point.
"Fuck! Fuck, fuck!" he stilled, as you both reached climax. He emptied himself inside you. You can't help but moan in a high pitch as orgasm washes over your entire body, an intense wave brought you to euphoria, and you never wanna leave.
"Damn," he whispered, almost in disbelief on how it felt to be with you. Still giving you everything he had, every single drop.
"Jeno," you called out once you relaxed, hoping to get him back to his senses.
"Wait- just.. shit." he managed to mutter despite his weak state. He's still wrapped around you, tight as if you were disappearing. Not to mention he's still balls deep.
A solid minute has passed when he decided to pull out, both of you hissing at the feeling. You felt so empty, and he felt so bare.
And when Jeno closes his eyes, he accepts defeat. Youâve successfully broken him.
ৠâ§âË â
Sooyoung, Minnie, Hoyeon, Yoonah.
So far, those are the names that you gathered.
It doesnât take a long time to figure out what Jeno likes, based on the girls heâs been with. Theyâre all hot, popular with the boys, and if not the same age as him, theyâre older.
The other common denominator is that they all have experience. When Jeno started sleeping around, you would only see him with women whoâs expected to be with him. Like those women who knows how pretty they are, whoâs aware how to handle a man like Jeno.
So when you finally turn eighteen, you did not waste time.
âDo you think I look hot in this, Ji?â You ask innocently, looking at your best friend through the mirror youâre standing in front of.
He barely looks up from his nintendo switch, and when you make eye contact, the look of disgust on his face makes you roll your eyes.
âYour freakinâ ass is hanging off that skirt. You look like aâŚâ Jisung turns his head towards Chenle on the other side of the room, playing on his playstation.
ââŚhooker.â Chenle finished the sentence for him. You hide a smirk.
âIâll take that as a compliment, thank you!â You did a curtsy, before grabbing your purse.
âWait, where are you going?â Chenle asked as soon as he paused the game to see you walk towards the door.
âNCU is throwing this party for the new basketball team, got an invite from Jungwoo.â You gave Chenle a wink, knowing it would annoy the heck out of him.
âWhat?! Why do I not know about this?!â You flinched when Chenle says the first word in the highest octave possible.
âProbably because weâre not in NCUâs college department yet? The partyâs exclusive for college students, dumbass.â Jisung says boredly, bringing his attention back to his nintendo.
âExcept I got an invite, you losers didnât!â And just for extra annoyance, you stick your tongue out to mock them.
Chenle only huffs, but takes his phone out of his pocket.
âInvited or not, Iâm going. Iâm sure your broke ass would take up a free ride to the party,â He says as he waits for someone on his phone.
âAnd how do you plan to enter the party, dimwit? You donât have an invite,â Jisung asks.
âIâm Zhong fucking Chenle. Thatâs my invite.â He smirks, grabs his keys and your wrist. You flew a kiss towards Jisung and left his apartment.
Booming music, strobe lights. The bass vibrates through the wall and honestly, this is way too extreme from what you expected. This is the first real party you had attended, where youâre specifically invited.
Jungwoo was someone you knew, from one of your girlfriends. Heâs three years ahead of you, making him a year older than Jeno. And to be frank, Jungwoo didnât peak your interest at first. But when you knew that heâs in Jenoâs friend circle, you figured that maybe, you do like Jungwoo.
âHey,â Someone from behind you whispers on your ear, making you whip your head. You saw Jungwoo, head hangs low just to whisper. He displays a playful smile as he hugs you.
But before you could even tighten his embrace, Chenle took a protective stance, putting his arms in between. âWoah dude, chill out.â
Jungwoo chuckled, putting his hands up. âZhong, calm down,â
You immediately give Chenle a look of confirmation, âIâm good, Le.â
âJust making sure.â He says and steps back. He patted Jungwooâs shoulder in a sense that heâs good. Chenle has always been protective, in literal terms. Jisung however, is protective in a motherly kind of way. In short, Chenleâs fights, Jisung nags.
âWhy donât you talk to Jaehyun? Heard heâs interested in taking you in the team.â Jungwoo says making Chenle widen his eyes, a breathless âreally?â coming out of his lips and Jungwoo nods. You pushed Chenle to go find the Jaehyun guy and before you know it, youâre alone with Jungwoo.
âHeâs really into basketball, huh?â Jungwoo, sounding amused.
You on the other hand, start roaming your eyes around the room. Youâre here for someone, and you need to know if theyâre in this party, or else this would be a huge waste of time if heâs not here.
âYeah, he basically worships Stephen Curry.â You looks at him, to at least try to entertain the boy.
âMm-hm.â The way his hands crawl into your waist so naturally was a shock to you, but you donât say anything at all. He starts walking and with his hands attached on your body, you canât help but walk with him.
âSo.. whereâs the team?â You really did try to prolong the moment youâre with Jungwoo, but you just canât stay still without confirming if heâs here.
âTheyâre upstairs. Some of my teammates doesnât really like hanging out with too many people.â
âHow about you?â
âI was waiting for you, pretty.â Jungwoo flashes a smile, someone could argue his most defining feature but then again, you have your sights on someone else.
True to his words, Jungwoo brought you upstairs, where itâs more intimate with a few people. Thereâs a lounge area in front of a bar and that's where you spot the certain someone youâve been looking for.
And as expected, he has a girl with him.
âHey, guys, uhâ this is y/n.â Jungwoo awkwardly introduces you to everyone, including Jeno who at first was shocked at your presence, but soon enough replaced with a certain tension in his eyes.
You did a small wave, still shy at the amount of eyes on you. These people are legends on campus. Theyâre basically the schoolâs pride and seeing them acknowledging you was amusing. And Jeno, like the perfect man that he is, just fits right in.
âHi, Iâm Juyeon,â He extends his hands, so you, a person who doesnât like leaving people hanging, gladly accepts it.
And everyone else follows suit, except Jeno. He was looking at something else, not even the girl heâs with. Heâs fixated at his beer can, looking at it very seriously.
âJeno?â Jungwoo asks, questioning why the boy didnât acknowledge you.
He looked at Jungwoo, and he was about to answer but you did it for him.
âWe know each other. Iâm friends with his brother.â You smile at Jungwoo, and he seemed to understand it so he just lead you to the empty spot on the lounge.
They started talking, but your attention was on Jeno. You realized that this is his crowd, quickly you found that heâs very different in front of other people. Heâs more talkative, thatâs for sure.
But your eyes also catch the soft touches he graces the girl beside him. The whispers he gave, the smiles and subtle kisses on the side of her head. His arms around her and the jokes he tells just for the two of them.
It has been years since he rejected you, yet the pain still stings.
You took your eyes somewhere else, made easy as Jungwoo starts to caress your shoulder. He leaned below, matching your face. âYou okay?â
âYeah,â you smiled at him. You werenât, but youâre obviously not gonna tell that.
He hands you a shot of what you assume alcohol, with his eyes anticipating your next move. This is the first time youâre drinking without Chenle or Jisung around, and youâre unsure if this was okay.
But with everybody starting to look at Jungwooâs waiting hand, the shot clearly for you, you start to panic. Thereâs no way youâre gonna embarrass yourself in front of these seniors.
So you suck it up and took the shot. Youâre not sure, but you got a glance from Jeno that tells heâs not happy with your action.
The taste of the alcohol was strong, but somehow your throat didnât burn. Yes, you definitely felt it heat up your taste buds but not bad enough for you to hate it. Itâs like a sensation that hypes up your system.
And so, with your new found information, you were more confident in taking shots now. And exactly that you do.
But with the amount of liquid going in, it has to come out. So you excused yourself to the bathroom to pee. You assured Jungwoo you were okay, because heck yeah, youâre fine.
Not until you actually stood up. Good thing you didnât stumble, but shit, your world is spinning.
You bee line straight to the bathroom and relieve yourself. It took a couple minutes before you finished washing your hands, and as you walk out of the restroom, you were met by a figure clearly waiting for you to finish up.
âJ-Jeno,â you muttered, moreso in surprise.
âY/n what the hell are you doing here?â He whispers, angrily of course.
âJungwoo invited me!â You whisper back, leaning on the door behind you to balance yourself.
âWhereâs my brother? Chenle?â He looms over you, and all you can think about is his luscious lips, mere inches to yours.
âThey.. Chenle came with me, Ji stayed home..â You answer, despite being in a trance. The entire place is spinning, but not Jenoâs face. Itâs there, in front of you.
âI need you to find Chenle and go home.â He says in finality, expecting you to follow. You knit your brows, as you take in offense over what heâs doing.
âWhat? Iâm invited here!â You whined.
âFind Chenle. Now.â The growl in his last words made you slightly intimidated, not to mention his eyes burning holes into your own.
God, heâs so handsome.
You donât know if its the vodka, or just plain recklessness that gave you the idea of just tipping on your toes and try kissing Jeno.
It made perfect sense in your head. Your hands cupping his cheeks obviously caught him off guard, but before your lips touch his, his reflex of pushing you off was unfortunately faster.
He shoved you harsh, causing you to stumble and almost losing your balance.
âWhat the fuck?!â He yells.
Your heartbeat went quicker. Everything started to process. Jeno looks so mad, he huffs and wiping his palm against the part of his face that your lips had touched.
âI-Iâm s-sorrââ
âI have a fucking girlfriend, y/n!â He spits, words felt like daggers through your chest.
âJeno, Iâm sorry. I was out ofââ Your eyes start to burn.
âAre you that desperate? I rejected you already, didnât I? I will never look at you different than being my brotherâs best friend, y/n! So stop this fucking delusion while Iâm being nice.â Jeno points his fingers at you, making you flinch a little bit.
âJeno, please.â Your tears are now slowly flowing. You attempted to grab his wrist to make him stay and listen to your apologies but he swiped it off like heâs disgusted to be touched by you.
âNo, y/n. Youâre like a sister to me. It disgusts me to even think of being with you romantically. So please, know your fucking place.â
With that, he walks out and leaves you broken.
You donât understand. You did everything by the book. You looked pretty, you knew how he liked girls. You made yourself into his fantasies and he still canât see past the fact that youâre just his brotherâs bestfriend.
You take a deep breath between the sobs, calming yourself down. You felt horrible. You felt so sick and embarrassed. You felt so fucking desperate and pathetic that you just want to numb yourself of the pain.
You grab your chest, having difficulty breathing from crying too hard.
This is way more than a broken heart.
Youâre no longer consolable, and thereâs just no way youâre going back there with your makeup now ruined.
Are you that hard to want?
Are you that hard to need?
The tears don't stop as you walk out of the party. Gladly, everybodyâs wasted so nobody noticed you ugly-crying.
As you turn to an alleyway, you shoot Jungwoo a text saying you got sick, and Chenle saying you got an uber home.
With your 7-inch heels on your hand, in the cold street, you walk in shame.
Bare feet on the sidewalk, shivering, that's when you noticed a bar.
Your feet prompted to enter, so that you did. You were going to drown the pain, and thereâs nothing in your mind except alcohol.
You hoped that it would ease the pain.
And it did, the effects of it giving you a temporary memory loss. This was the numbing you needed.
The sensation of alcohol gave you solace, and for a while, your thoughts melted into nothingness.
Staring at the shot glass in front of you, you made a promise to your eighteen year old self.
That if Jeno doesnât want you, youâll make it your lifeâs mission to make everyone else crave you. You donât need Jeno.
Youâll never be rejected again.
And just as soon as you felt like you can breathe again, your phone buzzed.
[2:34am] jisung: y/n, come home, quickly. itâs your mom.
ৠâ§âË â
It was odd to say the least.
This has been what youâve wanted for so many years. You prayedâ and begged the heavens for Jeno to finally take you, to prove that you can get him.
And now, youâve proven your point.
But why does it feel⌠strange?
Yes, it was the best sex youâve had, and it might be the only one that could make you feel that way. It was mindblowing, it was everything and more.
Isnât this the goal? For him to actually step over that line of being your best friendâs brother?
What else did you want?
Honestly, you donât know anymore. Hence, you sneak out of the apartment in the middle of the night. Jeno was laying on his stomach, the comforter covering his lower half. His back muscles spread across the sheets and you take the art in. He really is sculptured to perfection.
You managed to put on your clothes and walk out of the apartment building. You find yourself in a nearby convenience store, walking through the isle finding something you didnât know. Your mind is blank and empty.
These are the times where you wished there was someone to guide you to what you should do next. Because you have no idea. Youâre confused, and you need direction.
These are the moments where you wished your mom was here. She would know what to do.
For a while, when you were with Jeno, you felt warmth youâve always been trying to find from somebody else. With Jeno, you actually felt like sex wasnât only about pleasure, but itâs also about being able to express unspoken feelings.
Sex wasnât something you just needed to get over with. It felt amazing, It was perfect.
But it clicked too, that you know yourself was the only one who really appreciated it. Jenoâ was in for the satisfaction. He never needed you like you needed him. You talked him into sleeping with you. You were begging for his touch.
You pushed him to a point where he just snapped and gave you what youâve been desperately chasing him for.
And for what? Probably for you to stop. He was throwing scraps at you because heâs tired of that one girl who keeps chasing his tail. He just gave in, expecting you to finally give up.
Then it hit you. Your fourteen year old self, your eighteen year old self and your twenty-two year old self still has something in common.
You realize, that all the hard work, the wall you desperately tried to build was a fraud. Because at the end of the day, you never lost feelings for Jeno.
No matter how many people youâve been with, itâs still gonna be Jeno for you.
That makes you laugh. In both ridiculousness and despair. Hopelessness felt eerily familiar.
Silly you, for thinking youâve moved on.
Jeno is inevitable. And youâll learn to accept it too.
As you reach up the isle and grab a bottle of Soju, a hand stops you.
âMy love, are you okay?â A soft voice that you haven't heard in a while.
âKun,â
ৠâ§âË â
Jeno knows heâs royally fucked.
He gave into your trap, and youâve successfully defeated him. All his morals, his beliefs, and the logic he stands on was out the window.
He knows you planned it out too. This was your way of taking revenge on him, when he repeatedly rejected you years ago.
He tried to keep his distance, because he promised.
And he takes his promises seriously, especially when it involves you. And he felt like he broke the one thing thatâs keeping the promise he made a couple years ago.
You werenât supposed to end up in his bed. You werenât supposed to still want him after everything heâs done. You werenât supposed to even be involved with him. Heâs supposed to stay wherever he is, on the sidelines, silently protecting you.
But itâs all been done. You and Jeno did it, and it cannot be reversed. And now that its happened, thereâs not much he can do. He has to hash things out, he has to fix everything.
Because no matter how many women he had before, no matter how many times he tricks himself, he had always felt like it wasnât what heâs been searching for.
And when he finally had a taste of you, heâs afraid heâs gonna want more. And heâs afraid that heâll never feel the way it felt with you. Heâs horrified that what happened opened his eyes with whatâs the truth.
And when he felt the other side of the bed cold, he opens his eyes and youâre gone.
Yeah, this is just a game for you.
But for him? Oh, heâs eternally fucked. The shame, the guilt, and everything in between creeps up. And not of you, heâll neverâever be ashamed of you. Heâs guilty about the fact that he let himself get carried away.
Out of frustration, he hits his steering wheel as he drove. He canât believe he just did that.
He was drunk, you were clearly not in the right state of mind. Even if you were, he was still drunk. What happened was fucked up, both for him and for you.
He takes a deep breath before pulling out his phone.
He carefully types, calculating everything he needs to say.
[7:35am] to: y/n
hey. dont say anything to my brother. it was a mistake, i was drunk. i donât really like you like that.
He sent it quick, afraid heâd delete it if he hesitated longer. And just as he did, he felt his whole chest stiffen.
Because once again, he lied. Both to you, and to himself.
ৠâ§âË â
You woke up through the sounds of your phone ringing. It was the next week after the whole thing happened with Jeno, and youâve not craved anything but sleep.
Kun never asked questions. Which youâre thankful for, but you canât help but feel bad.
You ghosted the guy, again, but he welcomed you into his apartment with open arms like nothing happened. His smile was there, the warmth of his embrace still the same.
Before you could even say anything about your guilt, heâs quick to tell you that itâs okay. Heâs with you because he wants to. Although you canât give him what he wants the most.
In a perfect world, if you werenât so fucked up, youâd be with Kun, no questions asked.
You were lucky it was the weekend, and youâve got no class. So you just laid on Kunâs couch, binging away, rotting in the cushions. Kun doesnât mind, he says its better than you going out and drinking.
Which is true, plus you just canât physically get yourself back up and doing what you do before, after what happened with Jeno.
Jeno, Jeno, Jeno. Fucking Lee Jeno.
Itâs like a curse, following you all throughout your existence. Heâs like a ghost stuck in your hip, a burden youâd beg to get off of you. Thereâs just no way youâd have to carry these feelings towards him until your seventy, right? Jesus.
Your head whips at the door when you hear it open, not expecting Kun to come home so early.
Heâs not here âtil 7, right?
âOh, youâre still here.â
Well, youâre right. Itâs not Kun. Itâs his lovely roommate Ten. Note the sarcasm on the lovely part.
âYeah.â You backed down to the couch.
If thereâs anyone annoyed at your presence, itâs definitely Ten. You think he harbored the anger and disappointment Kun shouldâve had with youâ like some sort of anger translator.
âYour roommate must be overjoyed having your place for her own.â He says, with feign casualness in his tone.
âSheâs doing fine,â
âI mean, at this point, youâre gonna have to pay your share with the rent.â He scoffs as he puts down his bag harshly on the counter.
You let out a deep breath, reminding yourself that this is also his place. Youâre not in a position to return his attitude because you, in your own thoughts, are aware that youâve overstayed your welcome.
âKun says its okayââ
âThatâsââ Tenâs voice in a high pitch, but quickly calming himself down. â--thatâs because Kun canât say shit to you. I donât know if you noticed but my friend is literally insane for you. And of course, you like the attention.â
You canât help but look at him, your mouth slacking due to disbelief of what he just said. You bit your lip and paused, not wanting to say things without thinking about it first. Again, you're not in a position where youâre purely innocent in this situation.
âWhat do you want me to do? Tell me. Iâll leave right now.â You managed to calm your tone, avoiding any more discussion.
âWhat I want you to do is to be straight with Kun, y/n. I know youâre used to being a player, but Kun isnât. He agreed to your situationship because you werenât ready. You ghosted him for a few weeks and still he took you in even tho I fucking knew it was a dumb decision because heâs just hoping to be with you again. If youâre not planning to be with my friend, then just fucking make your decision. I know youâre not that cruel to string him along. Heâs a good person, y/n.â
His sudden outburst caught you off guard, but every word he said was like a slap to you. Every sentence was nothing but facts, and you knew deep inside that you were in the wrong. That Ten was right. Kun is way too good for you. He does not deserve this.
You felt your eyes starting to warm, for a hundredth time. You nod in agreement. However, you can tell he wasnât finished.
âHeâs not your back burner, y/n. And Iâm not saying this to you because I have a problem with you, but Iâm saying this because heâs my friend. At first it was fine, but when you treat him lesser than what he deserves, I just feel like youâre being.. really selfish. Itâs clear that you have your eyes on someone else. But please, Kun doesnât do this type of shit. Heâs way too naive. Poor guy thought he did something wrong.â The last sentence hits you the most, thinking about Kun probably did think that heâs the one to blame.
You sniff, nodding along Tenâs statement. âI will⌠Iâll talk to him.â You quietly say. Ten just looks at you before sighing, walking towards his door. As soon as his door closes, the front door opened.
âSweet cheeks, whatâre you doing?â Kun asks, seeing you standing on the doorway staring at nothingness.
You immediately wiped your tears and looked at him with a smile. âReally sad netflix movie,â you excused. Kun doubts, but chooses to stay silent. He walks two steps in front of you before giving you a warm hug like he does everytime he sees you at his apartment.
You gulp, gathering courage to actually start the conversation.
âUh, Can we talk?â you nip at the bottom of your shirt.
âOf course, princess,â The old nickname he had somewhat felt like an assurance that heâs still the same. It lifted a bit of weight in your chest.
You sat in one of the chairs, not knowing what to do. This place was once your safe haven, now it just feels strange knowing what kind of situation you are in.
âSo, uhm, I want to apologize for.. essentially cutting you off. Itâs just that, uh, Iâve beenââ
âYouâve been with Lee Jeno, right?â he asks, a ghost of a smile still present in his face.
âWell, yeah, but also, I didnât know that I had that much of a relevance in your life so...â you say, honestly.
âDarling, you were everything.â he pauses. â--but I know that Iâm not what you need, or what you wanted. And thatâs fine. You donât need to feel bad, itâs just how it goes.â
âBut Iâm here, and I promise you, that you donât need to feel responsible about how I feel. Iâll be fine.â He smiles, like he used to, but this time you know itâs fake.
âKun, youâre too good for me. You deserve more than me.â Your eyes start to water, but Kun never lets it drop. He caresses your cheeks for what it feels like the last time, before nodding at you.
âI know, baby.â He leaned closer, lips slowly grazing yours. As you felt it, the instinct of kissing back was swift, but Kun did not give you the chance of doing so as he pulled away.
âDonât kiss me back, please,â he mumbled, before caressing your face for what it felt like the last time before turning away.
And just like that, you lost the man who was ready to give you everything for a man who canât even spare you a glance.
ৠâ§âË â
Jeno is still out of his mind.
He had flunked out of practice, only attending a couple times out of the two weeks that he needed to attend. Barely even there, just standing and basically lifeless in the court.
His coach and his teammates already feel less secure because of Jenoâs state of mind, especially when heâs supposed to be the teamâs captain. He feels like shit, truly, and he knows he should be focusing on the game. But how can he, when all he can think of is you?
His coach gave him a hard talking but even that canât seem to shake him up. His willingness to play disappeared like it was nothing.
Heâs pretty sure the entire team hates him now, and if only thereâs time to replace him, theyâd definitely do it, but finding a replacement, with his skills, is basically impossible. Moreso in limited time.
As soon as he enters his apartment, he throws his bag on the floor and tunnels through his room to lock himself in there. But as soon as he entered it, he was shocked to find his brother laying in his bed.
âWhatâre you doing here?â He asks, confused.
âJust want to know something,â Jisung says, slowly sitting up. He looks up his brother, standing in the door frame. Jeno couldnât read his expression, but its pretty clear that heâs not happy.
âDid you sleep with y/n?â
Jeno didnât know how to react, his eyes widened and for a while, he had nothing to say. But in the end, he knew this was bound to happen. If not you, it would be him spilling the information to his brother.
He didnât need to say anything, and he knew the silence is more than enough for Jisung to conclude.
âShe really likes you, you know? I justââ Jisung paused, â--I just donât know why youâd sleep with her when you donât like her back. You know she likes you, hyung. What, is this like an ego thing? Sheâs y/n, hyung. You know sheâs different.â Jisung honestly just sounded confused and tired. Heâs not angry, not upset, he comes off like he just wanted proper answers from his brother.
âDude, just get out.â Jeno dismissed, which pissed off his younger brother more.
âOh fuck you. You canât even hold a conversation with your own brother? And if only itâs not y/n, I wouldnât even waste my time. But itâs her. You know her,â
Jeno took a deep breath. âI like her too, Jisung. No, fuck, scratch that. I fucking love her.â
For a minute, it was silence. Jisung then took the initiative to talk,
âTalk to mom, hyung.â
ৠâ§âË â
Jeno was sixteen, when he realized that he likes the way you smile at him.
He saw you run down the stairs and straight to the kitchen. You were at his brotherâs room, for a sleepover with his brother and Chenle. He was lounging on the couch, and he didnât bother to turn on the lights. He likes to lay in here at night, cuddling with his cat, Bongsik. He canât let the cat into his room because of his allergies, so he just settled on the couch.
Because Bongsik was alerted of your presence, the cat follows you to the kitchen. Jeno, of course, followed in pursuit. He can still remember the cute expression you had when you discovered Bongsik on the table.
He smiles at you, struggling to get chips from the cabinet. Naturally, he grabbed it for you. You had asked if Bongsik was new, and he answered yes.
âYep, a rescue. Mom brought it home the other day. Jisung freaked,â He chuckles as he looks at the cat, snuggling in his chest.
He can see you almost begging with your eyes, wanting to pet the cat. So he let you. Surprisingly, Bongsik, whoâs usually grumpy, purrs as soon as your hands come in contact with it.
You were so careful, and Jeno almost wants to chuckle at your meek attempt at staring at him.
A slight smile on your face was something Jeno noticed, from a close distance. He surely did not expect you to be this soft and angelic, but he thought to himself, that your smile is something heâd like to get used to.
Jeno was eighteen when he made his first mistake.
He had invited his friends over at his house. He had made some really cool friends, and he even got this girl heâs been trying to get with to tag along. Jeno feels nervous, of course, he wants to impress them.
Besides Jaemin, Haechan and Renjun, he also invites some people from the basketball team heâs trying to get into, and some girls that are part of the circle. And of course, the girl he had liked, Eunmi.
His friends encouraged him to make a move tonight, and for some dumb reason, he thought it would be romantic to bring out wine. So he went to the kitchen to do so, but got surprised when a soft voice called his name.
It was you. Your shy demeanor, and your avoiding gaze startles him but he canât help but smile. Youâre so cute.
He clears that with whatever you were gonna tell him, make it quick because someoneâs waiting for him. But as soon as you open your mouth to say the next words,
âI like you. Very much.â
He feels like his feet are frozen. His heart starts to race and if only he wasnât leaning on the counter behind him, he would definitely stumble. His grip on the wine glass tightens. He doesnât know what to do.
The next words just came out, and he instantly regrets it.
â...I-Iâm just being nice.. I have to be nice. Youâre my brotherâs best friend.â In a split second before Eumi interrupts the conversation, he can clearly see the pain in your eyes. The initial shock of the fact that heâs rejecting you was prominent in your face and he just wanted to take every word back at that point.
But before he could even utter another word, Eunmi decided to take over. You then quickly walked out, but before you can turn around, he sees a teardrop, and by then, heâs sure heâs made a mistake. He canât believe he just broke your innocent heart.
Eunmi is no longer in his mind, his friends no longer his priority, the entirety of the night, you plagued his mind. He wanted to run after you, and apologize. But what exactly is it for? Itâs not like he was rude. He was calm, but still, you were visibly upset.
Jeno blames himself, until the night ends, he shoots his brother a message to ask you if you were okay. He needs to know.
Jeno was twenty when he breaks his own heart for the first time.
He canât believe his eyes. He doesnât know which emotion he should feel, the anger that slowly builds up upon seeing you entering the party with Jungwoo, or the adoration to seeing you looking that good in your mini dress.
You had walked in with the confidence he failed to notice before, with Jungwooâs arm around your waist. He clenches his fist, but soon he gets caught in his own mind when his girlfriend of two weeks leans over to him.
The train of thought he had was still there, however, he was forced to pretend like everythingâs fine. Although he canât look at you in the eye, when he can certainly feel your gaze time to time.
What he canât absolutely avoid tho, is his eyes on Jungwooâs touches. Since when did you let a random man touch you like that?
More so, a man like Jungwoo? Much older than you, and he doesnât remember Jungwoo and you ever be in the same vicinity as each other. Why are you so comfortable with him already?
Green doesnât suit Jeno. So he tries to focus on the girl beside him. But mentally, he counts the shots that was given to you. Too many, and if the situation is different, heâd take those shots and shove it up Jungwooâs ass.
But as soon as you stood up, his quick reaction was to follow you.
All he can think about is you getting out of here.
âFind Chenle. Now.â He groaned, despite his anger, he doesnât like yelling at you.
What you did next was unexpectable.
You had tried to kiss him.
His reflex was to push you, and that, he did. His demeanor changes, and everything that falls from his lips after that was a blur to him.
One thingâs clear, the look in your eyes. You were so defeated, but Jeno didnât let it affect him. He was blinded by anger, and the fact that youâre so drunk that youâd kiss just anyone. Not to mention a man that has a girl! What has gotten into you?
âAre you that desperate? I rejected you already, didnât I? I will never look at you different than being my brotherâs best friend, y/n! So stop this fucking delusion while Iâm being nice.â Lies after lies after lies.
He was completely out of his mind when he said that to you.
And when you cried in front of him, he felt his own heart break. Every tear is equivalent to a stab right through his chest.
Right there and then, he wanted to beg for your forgiveness. Say that everything wasnât true, that he doesnât think you were desperate. Hell, he would kiss you back if youâd let him.
But all those hope was thrown away when you left. Because whatâs left was this strange, terrifying feeling that somehow, this was the last straw for you.
And Jeno despises himself for causing you pain, over and over. He curses at his own self for being so coward.
âHey Jen, how are you?â His momâs voice was enthusiastic as ever. Even over the phone, he can hear the smile in her face.
He thinks he should be honest. âNot good,â
âAw, is it your practice? Donât worry darling, just a few more months and youâll be graduating!â He smiles at his motherâs sweet voice of anticipation, he can just imagine the tiny claps she does.
âNo, mom. Iââ He closes his eyes in frustration. âI have to talk to you about something,â
âWhat is it? Is it your brother? About y/n?â Her tone changes, now sounding concerned.
Jeno curses mentally, because of how quick his mom mentioned you.
âItâs about y/n,â he says lowly, testing the waters for a bit.
He hears a deep sigh, âI called her a week ago and sheâs been real distant from me, Jen. Anything I should know?â
âMom,â He almost whines. He just wants to spill it out.
âWhat? Youâre worrying me. Is our y/n okay? God, sheâs been out of control, hasnât she?â The concern is now intensified, and Jeno thinks he should just spit it out. But his tongue canât seem to say it.
âShe.. sheâs fine.â
âGood gracious, okay. I thought something had happened. Her mother must be frowning at me from heaven right now. Still remember your promise to your Auntie, right?â
Bingo. The very reason as to why he canât just say it. Why he canât just be with you already. Itâs because of this god forsaken promise that he made.
âYou need to be a big brother to her, treat her as your sister. She has nothing but us now, Jeno.â
He almost cries, he just wanted to yell. He felt as though he failed his mother, your mother and you. He shouldnât be feeling this emotion towards you. This harbored feelings are forbidden. He canât. He just⌠canât.
He lets his eyes get warmer, gripping in his phone harshly. He takes a huge, deep breath.
âMom, I love her. So much. I- I canât⌠I canât keep on hurting her and pretending that I only look at her as a sister.â He pleads, finally letting it known. Thereâs no turning back.
Silence was deafening on the other line. Every millisecond, he can feel his heartbeat race.
âJeno, weâve talked about this.â
âI love her, mom. I do, I really do.â He cries, for the first time in a long time.
âSheâs your sisââ
âSheâs not! God, sheâs your best friendâs daughter, I know that but Iâm not her older brother. Iâm a person that truly loves her. I have loved her for so many years but I keep on hââ
âJeno, hush, darling. I understand⌠but sheâs our family. If all these feelings get old and you decide you donât love her anymore, who will she turn to? Not us, darling because at the end of the day, weâre your family. Iâm just⌠worried about her, she has⌠no one to turn to if this all blows up.â His motherâs response, despite the rise of emotion, was still calm and soft.
âI wonât, mom. Please, just let me love her. I canât keep hurting her, mom, It kills me.â Jeno never begged this much. Just for you. His only exception.
His mother pauses, way too long, before finally breathing out again. âOkay, darling. I trust you. But please. I beg you, not to hurt her. Weâre all that sheâs got.â
Jeno whips his head up, baffled as to how easy she agreed to him. A little to no persuasion, and it didnât even take ten minutes.
âWhat? J-just like that?â Jeno questions in disbelief. Years of yearning, years of hurting you, when Jeno could just do this early on?
His mom, regardless of the moment, managed to let out a breathy chuckle.
âDarling, youâve proven yourself over the years. Me and your Dad had an inkling that you have a special admiration for Y/n ever since before. Its just unfortunate that her mother had to pass, and had asked us a favorâ more to you, to look after Y/N like your own sibling. And when you agreed, I felt like itâs just how it goes. But years of seeing you pretend to not care about her, and seeing you struggle to cope with your feelings, I knew then that you were serious.â
âMe and your Dad realized that our eldest, really, has grown up to be a man. And seeing you still have the same passion and the same feelings towards her until now, says that youâd stop at nothing at this point. So whatâs the use of preventing you?â
And with that, Jeno was free. Free of constraint, of guilt and control over his own will and feelings.
Like a baby, Jeno falls asleep with tears in his eyes. In complete satisfaction on how things went. Now, his only problem is getting to you, and begging for your forgiveness. Wishing by then, youâd still want him.
ৠâ§âË â
Jeno didnât waste his time. As soon as the morning comes, heâs fast on his feet. He wants to talk to you, he wants to clear everything up. He had tried to text and call, but he quickly realized you blocked his number.
He called his brother next, but Jisung also has not heard from you since yesterday.
It wasnât until 5pm that he couldnât find you, he started to worry. None of your friends know where you are, and youâre not in your apartment either.
He contacted every possible soul that could even have a hint on where youâre at, but none of them knows.
He feels like heâs running out of time, running out of momentum.
And just as soon as he was about to call for help, he received a message.
[5:32pm] unknown number
sheâs at dreamscape hill. she likes going there to ease her mind. take care of her, please. -k
He didnât care to ask who it was, he just prayed that whoever sent him this message was right.
And off to dreamscape hill, Jeno goes.
He can barely catch his breath when he arrived, heart pounding at his chest. It was past sundown when he found you sitting at the bench, on top of the hill.
Itâs you. Heâs sure itâs you. To the curves of your shoulder, to the waves of your hair. Call it creepy, but he spent years looking at your back, from afar, forbidden to even glance at you when youâre close. So yes, heâs a hundred percent sure that itâs you.
Heâs a few feet behind you, when he noticed the earphones you had on. Probably why you didnât hear the ruffling of the twigs and leaves as he walked closer.
And in divine timing, you look back at your shoulder, looking straight at Jenoâs eyes, as if it made sense why heâs here.
Slowly, you pull the earphones out.
âWhatâre you doing here?â You ask, almost a whisper. But the city in front of you gave him enough silence to hear every breath you take.
âFinding you,â he answers. He struggles to keep his words straight, the thumping in his chest causing him to stutter.
You blink thrice, seems like youâre still processing Jenoâs answer.
âWhy?â
Jeno took a couple step, and finally he sat beside you. he looked forward at the cityscape. He took note of your body language, it seems to him that youâre starting to get nervous.
âTo tell you Iâm sorry. Iâm sorry it took this long for me to find you. Iâm sorry I hurt you, Iâm sorry for making you cry. Iâm sorry that I wasted years, and Iâm so sorry I lied.â Jeno says every word with great diction, in perfect pace and clear voice. He wants you to understand every word that he says.
He hears you let out a huff, as if in disbelief. His heart went even more faster, scared on what you might say.
Heâs never anticipated an answer like this before. He never had to grip at his own knees in nervousness before. He canât even look at your expression.
âI think weâre past that, Jeno.â
This is what heâs afraid of. He might be too late, he might fuck this up. Nevertheless, heâll never regret trying.
âI know that Iâm years too late but you need to understandââ
âI donât need to understand nothing. What I need is to just live my life, love my life. I have spent years yearning for you, let me love myself too. I think Iâve loved you since I met you, Jeno. I just mistook it for curiosity. Everyone else isnât you, and turns out thatâs a huge problem for me.â Jeno can hear you smile, and when he finally let himself take a look, he softens.
Youâre smiling like you used to smile. Youâre smiling like you again.
âThatâs because we thought we could alter fate, and tell me Iâm batshit crazy for believing but I can prove to you that weâre just⌠soulmates, y/n. Y-youâre meant for me as much as I am for you.â These are some words Jeno never thought he would use. The things you make him do.
You chuckle again, while shaking your head. Do you find it ridiculous? Do you think Jeno is joking? Are you finding all of these insufferable? God, Jeno wished he could read you.
âWe are not soulmates, Jeno. This is not some divine intervention, and shit, this is not fate. I wanted this. I knit the threads of my destiny until it spelled your name. I love you intentionally, Jeno. Itâs not the stars and the heavens that brought us together. I did.â
Jeno was speechless. He could not utter a single word, he felt like he had no right to dictate you about what you feel. Heâs ashamed, because what you said was right. You made him feel this, because of your desire for him, you made him fall. And damn it, he fell hard.
âItâs like you filled my lungs with flowers, although they are pretty, it made it hard for me to breathe. That's how much I wanted you.â
âY/n, I will apologize to you forever if you wanted me to. Just⌠just please, let me have my chance.â Jeno begged like he never did before. He let his emotions out, and all for you. Because you deserve it. You deserve the real him.
Slowly, he felt your hand on his clenched fist, instantly letting it loose. He took the opportunity to lace your fingers together. It felt right, like your hand always belonged intertwined with his.
âIf I took this chance with you, that would be the knife that would slit my own fucking throat, Jeno. And you know whatâs funny? Iâd probably apologize for bleeding in your shirt.â
âSo let me have this time for myself, Jeno. And just like the old saying, time will tell. And if we find each other without even looking, then thatâs when Iâll believe in that fate you were talking about.â
As your grip in his hand loosens, he felt like this was the first and last time heâll get to hold your hand. He wanted to be selfish and not let you go, but he knows heâd be cruel to do that.
So he didnât move. âIâll see you around,â you say.
âIâll find you,â he whispered, to you, to himself, and to whoever whoâs listening. Let it be the heavens, or the devil in hell. He whispered to anybody, because he knows heâll do it, and he wants everyone to stand witness to this promise.
âSure you will,â
And in every step you made, as your body slowly walks away, you took his heart with you. Its yours, anyway. Heâll just have to find you to have it back.
ৠâ§âË â
âLee Jeno! Lee Jeno! Lee Jeno!â
The screams from the bleachers never seemed to falter, only getting louder each time.
The band is on full blast, people running around down the court as soon as the last whistle of the game went off.
Jeno had won the much awaited game against the SKU, with a whopping 73 points under his belt, making it the first time in his schoolâs history to earn that many points, by a single player, in one game.
This just solidified his reputation, being named the greatest player that had ever stepped foot on this campus.
And to make this game, even more legendary than it already is, itâs the last game of the season before Jeno graduates. So heâs literally going out with a bang with this one.
His teammates celebrated the win, begging Jeno to go the the victory party. For the first time, Jeno refused to attend a victory party. Much more, a victory he made happen.
He walked past the girls thatâs lining up to take a picture with him, immediately walking straight back to the lockers.
He shoots a text at Renjun, informing his friend that heâll head home, instead of attending the party.
He was about to turn to his locker, when his name was called by a familiar voice.
Jeno looked back, and to his disappointment, itâs Jennie.
âWhy havenât you answered my calls? Itâs been months, Jeno! You canât just..â Jennie couldnât even finish her sentence, stomping her feet like a toddler.
Yes. It has been months since he blocked every girl that he had ever slept with.
Three months, thirteen days, and twenty-one hours, to be exact.
âMy teamâs gonna be here soon. You donât want me to embarrass you in front of them, trust me.â Jenoâs threat was casual, but heâs serious enough for Jennie to take the hint.
âB-but, Jen, it's me.â Jennieâs voice turns softer, making Jeno cringe at the tone. She then tried to touch his shoulder, but Jeno was quick to dodge.
âExactly. Youâre you, Jennie. And I donât like you.â
The girl was aghast, to say the least. Her mouth wide open in disbelief. Taking Jenoâs advice, albeit with offense, she stomps her way out of the lockers.
Just as he said, his teammates started flocking in, with his coach holding the trophy. He lost count on how many pats in the back he received after the game. The repetitive congratulatory messages are starting to grow old.
âAre you really not coming? Youâre literally the man of the year, dude. Everybodyâs gonna be looking for you!â Sungchan, one of his teammates says.
âNope,â Jeno says with a pop.
âCome on, thisâll probably the last victory party youâll ever have!â Yangyang joins in, but Jeno just shrugged his shoulders.
âSorry, dude. I got a thesis paper due in two days.â
A plethora of complains, grunts and âwhat?!âs came pouring in after his statement, but Jeno stood his ground.
Jeno was serious. He needs to study for his thesis paper, and pass it on time. His professor expects him to match his academics to his basketball career, and he doesnât want to disappoint.
Before the commotion gets even more wild, and before Jeno gets kidnapped into attending the party, he swiftly bids farewell to his coach, the only person that mattered to him. His coach just shook his head and gave him a nod, before letting him go.
âYou did well, kid.â
Jeno heads through the parking lot. He had been stopped by students every ten seconds therefore his usual 4 minute walk to his car ended up being 30 minutes.
He starts up the engine, but before taking off, he checks some of his messages.
[8:43pm] dong(yuck!): congratulations, lebron âlee jenoâ james! the game was so cool dude u look good throwing balls lol btw im staying at my girls hauz. also ur welcome. also enjoy. lolz
[8:54pm] jaemjaem: dude that game!!! ur on FIRE my guy!! pls pls apply for nba so i can watch courtside with kanye west :D im out rn and i wont be home til tmrw. ur welcome ;)
[8:59] jisung: great game couldve been better tho⌠anyways⌠wrap it b4 u tap it!!!
[9:02pm] injunnie <3: game was lit. didnt understand shit abt the game but u did good. im spending the night @ my moms so u better make it worth it, lee jeno.
Jenoâs breath hitches, and before he could even question the hints his roommates are giving him, another ping notifies his phone.
[9:04pm] unknown number: hi. im at urs. can we talk?
Jeno knows not to speed, but tonight, he swears his tires didnât even touch the concrete. He is flying off the highway.
With sweaty palms, he enters the security code to his door. Hands shaking, he opens it up and with the sight of a womanâs shoes on his doorstep, he takes a deep breath.
âI hope you donât mind, it was Jaeminâs idea to let me in without telling you. Uh, so if youâre notââ
âY/n,â he gulps as he takes in your figure, standing in the middle of his kitchen.
âYeah.. itâs me.â You smile tightly, shrugging your shoulders.
Even though Jeno was ready to leap and drown you in his embrace, he stood his ground. Heâs still not sure why youâre here, and until you say so, heâs not moving. The last thing he wants to do is push your boundaries.
âWhatâreâ what are youââ He feels stupid. Stuttering like a five year old in front of you.
âFigured we could talk. Jisung and Chenle got sick of me moping around so they made meââ
âI hope youâre not being forced to talk to me. I told you, Iâll wait. No matter how long,â The sincerity laced in his voice was prominent.
âI promise you, I went here in my own will. Two idiots just talked some sense into me, and Jisung told me about the promise you made my mom years ago.â
Then there was silence. But this time, it wasnât deafening. It was peaceful. Its as if you two are finding serenity in each others presence and just the way you stare at each other already says the words your mouth couldnât speak.
But Jeno cut it short. âDoes this mean..â
âI want to try, Jeno. I want to experience this with you. Slowly, at our own pace. I want to go on dates. Carnivals. Watch netflix. Everything, with you.â There's a tinge of shyness in your voice, and Jeno just wants you to scream it out. You donât need to shy away from him.
âEverything, with me. At your own pace. Iâll accept everything you can offer,â He assured your worried mind.
You nod gently. âI want to feel loved without feeling like Iâm begging for it,â
Jeno shakes his head vigorously, âNo, baby, youâll never beg to be loved, ever again. I swear in my grave.â He takes one step closer.
âIâll trust you and risk getting my heart broken again, but I really hope you wonât.â
One more step closer âI will never. Baby, youâre it for me. I didnât know it before, but I shouldâve known it was you, because no one else made sense.â
You nod again, biting your lip. âWhen I visited my mom, I told her about you,â
âYeah?â Jeno asks, in a sweet tone, taking another step closer.
You smiled at him. âI bet she would trust you too,â
âI will not break her trust. Not again,â
He watches carefully as you raise your hand to cup his cheeks, his reaction was to lean into your touch. He takes your initiative as a signal, but still takes his movement slowly.
You gulp, looking up at him. âCan you love me now?â
âOh, baby. I have loved you since forever. It just took me time to realize it.â
And then, as you tiptoe to match his height, he feels your lips on him and he swears that you taste like heaven.
Jeno didnât remember how long you talked that night, but somewhere in the midst of your laughter and smiles, he decided that he would destroy the world for you.
Because you might not know it, but in every universe, in every lifetime, and in every story, Jeno has always been completely, madly, and inevitably yours.
A/N: From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for making you guys wait this long. I promise, it just happened to be my worst year ever :'(( but at least she's here! I just wish this could at least be worth it. Tune in for the next part (I promise, it would NOT take this long lmao)
taglist: @cutiepeas @legbouk @hyuckissed @bockhyun @hibernatinghamster @shookyungsoo @sundamariis @sharkipoonis @ohmykwonsoonyoung @carelessshootanonymous @glamourizz
#nct imagines#nct x reader#lee jeno#nct 127#nct fanfic#nct aus#kpop au#nct dream#nct#kpop imagines#jeno fic#nct jeno#jeno x reader#jeno x you#jeno x y/n#nct smut#smut#fem reader#lee haechan#na jaemin#huang renjun#nct drabbles#nct oneshots#kpop smut#kpop fanfic#angst#nct angst#nct fluff#nct fanfiction#fanfiction
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Reckless Romantics
Synopsis: Can be read as a stand alone or part two to getting ready for me; a return to innocent, inexperienced!reader and her relationship with Rick Grimes; two weeks after their first time together there has been some distance, but now Rick wants to make up for how hasty he was when he touched her last.
Details: Rick Grimes x fem!reader, smut: oral (f receiving) and teaching reader how to give a handjob, unspecified (of age) age gap, sweetness + kissing + a little mutual pining maybe, probably cliche, and leaning more into Rick as the dutiful leader and gentle lover (I feel this is just as in character as dom!Rick). Reader is a music loverâ any kind of music you likeâ but she also likes a specific band only because I watched a documentary about them at the theater in July so it made its way into the story. Slightly proofreadâ will be corrected more later. wc: 5-7k (I lost track after finishing it on tumblr).
A/N: I wrote this message before I returned for the summer, but I still want you to read it: Been spending time outside this summer, trying to reach some goalsâ time got away from me. I donât think Iâll ever stop saying I miss you, but please know itâs always true.
â with love from writella, my beautiful reader. âĄ
Rick Grimes was not a man to give in to temptation.
My mercy prevails over my wrath, heâd sayâ his secret keepsake phrase. The one he whispers to himself in moments of hardship; the one he uses when he needs to make decisions only a leader would. Rick was a man of discipline; honor. He never boasted about how seriously he took these qualities, but when others didâ admired, applauded, stuck by him for itâ it would be a lie to say that he didnât take note and use their pride to keep him going. This is how he knows he is strong-willed, why he wouldnât fall for foolish, forbidden things. He was better than that. The safety and prosperity he brought to Alexandria proved it, reaffirmed it.
So why couldnât someone remind him of that two weeks ago before he touched you?
As for you, you believed yourself to be a girl who wouldnât fall so easily for the first man who showed you any kind of affection.
From an adolescence of peers who never seemed to take notice of you to one filled with walkers and adults who were either dead or seldom your age, you learned how hard love, let alone any connection, is to come by. It has made you quite the perpetual daydreamer because of it. One with a heart and mind filled with fantasy worlds, creating what you lacked externally. It often made you see yourself as much younger than you were despite all youâve been through. No regular person your age in the old world has probably escaped as many deaths and wannabe cowboy dictators as you have. Still, they probably knew what it was like to have a high school romance, or at least go to the movies with friends, and have graduated from well, anything. You were simply born too late and shoved into this new world too early to experience even half of it.
This upbringing has brought you up to believe yourself precocious, althoughâ maybe you were already too old for that word now. No, you were, so maybeâ sensible, realistic despite the overactive imagination; you could decipher between right and wrong, real versus fake. This is why, for as long as you could, you did not entertain any thoughts of Rick Grimes.
Other people would though, women mostly. But you did have your suspicions of others who thought the sameâ they just weren't as shameless. Those who were, could be found during lunch breaks from work on house porches; or laughing and whispering at community gatherings and at the back of town hall meetings. Basically any time or place they could turn into a gossip session, which was often. And it didnât always have to do with Rick. It could be about any one of the men in town; or retelling funny moments to their friends or complaining about their co-workers. But anything of true, great interest always had to do with the community leaders. You wish you could say you were the exception to this interest, but hypocritically, you loved a good inside scoop, and luckily for you, you had a trustworthy way about you. Almost everyone who spoke to you or allowed you to sit with them and their friends for meals agreed: you were a intent, quiet listener making you the best kind of person to say things to without judgment; and people assumed you as shy, yet you loved to laugh which was great for boosting egos. They often treated you as a little sister in that way, as if the pleasure was all yours to get to hear their ramblings because they were either older or perceived themselves to be more sociable and experienced than you. You tried not to care too much about what they took you for. It was nice to feel trusted, even if people could be a little too mean or weird for your liking because no matter who it was, they made you feel as if you were watching television, and you missed television. They told you things from period mishapsâ (itâs the apocalypse, there are a lot of free bleeding queens okay)â to which people in their workstations annoyed them most with very detailed explanations as to why and, of course, rumors or general talk about the leaders: who they thought each of them has slept with, if there seemed to be any fighting between them and what side they were taking, and obviously, anything that had to do with one of the guys. Some were downright obvious that one or the other was their type, while others might try to be more sly about it, always bringing whichever man it was up more than the others. But unless they were diehard Daryl girls, wanted to dominate Glenn, or had some military man, hot priest, or doctor kink for Abraham, Gabriel, or Siddiq, most of them apparently felt that Rick was the love of their lives. He was like a local celebrity. A bandâs frontman.
âSo, what about you?â One of your scavenging partners asked on the ride home. âWhich one do you like?â
âTheyâre all attractive guys,â you say, keeping your eyes on the road. âBut I donât really think about them like that.â You feel a flush coming on. Crushes, or anything romantic, is a part of your internal world, not something you discuss aloud.
âCome on,â she prods. âYou never join in. You just laugh at us for being delusional.â
âWhose us?â Rosita asks, her voice sharp, humorous, and not without judgment. âI donât talk about that shit.â But secretly, she loved the drama as much as you and would have many questions for you later tonight about why you have yet to tell her of the town obsession of treating her friends like the cast of a reality show.
âI donât laugh at you! I like it when you guys talk about that stuff.â
âBut what Iâm saying is that I didnât let you ride shotgun this time so you can hold out again,â the girl jokes half-heartedly.
âWhat do you mean this time? I get to ride shotgun because Iâm the one with the CDs.â
And itâs true, the only thing that cancelled out the silence of drive in moments where conversation ceased was your Oasis album playing in the background. Learning about the band was your new obsession. Much like listening to the crazy imaginations of the girls in town, you found the Gallagher brother rivalry riveting even if you only knew pieces of the story from the music, scraps of magazine articles, and by asking whoever in town happened to be a teen in the 90s. Thankfully you had hit the jackpot today though. One of the houses you visited was once occupied by a dad and daughter with an insane music collection in the living room and a smaller, more curated one in the girlâs room. After gathering what new music you wanted to try from downstairs, you also found some old issues of QuizFest in the girlâs room, filled with activities that were themed with shows you remember from when you were a kid, but the most important discoveryâ the find of all findsâ was one of those Ultimate Guide, Complete Life Story magazines of none other than the band Oasis.
You would now probably know all of the drama between the brothers to tell a coherent story about the bandâs history to anyone who wanted an escape from walker related events and farming talk. When you werenât listening, thatâs what people would come to you for: to borrow music, get recommendations, or to tell them a story. In all, you were getting the reputation of being the townâs music historian, meaning you usually used your knowledge to avoid talking about yourself. And it mostly worked.
Except for now.
âWell, if I had to guess,â the girl persists despite your silence, âI think it would be Rick.â
âWhat?â Noticing the incredulity in your tone, you calm your voice. Shrugging you say, âWhy Rick? Everyone likes him.â
Rosita sends a look your way. Itâs innocent enough, probably just showing that she is still listening on as she drives but you were refusing to look at anyone now to know for sure.
âExactly,â the girl says. âHeâs a classic knight in shining armor type. I feel like heâd talk you through it, which I think would be good forâ someone like you.â
Your face is on fire, you canât even speak properly. âI- first of all, what do you know about my experience?â you ask, the incredulous tone returning. But all you get as an answer is knowing snorts and chortles from the two women. Ouch. Nonetheless, you continue, âSecond, you think shooting a guy in the head in front of his wife and the whole town is chivalrous?â
Ohâ
That makes car goes quiet.
You know you made a mistake.
You didnât mean it as crassly as you said it, and you did feel bad for saying it knowing that the situation was more difficult than you summed it up to be, but you didnât apologize. All this talk about crushes and especially Rick made you embarrassed. Itâs not that you didn't see what others saw anyway. Of course you noticed how nice Rickâs curls are, how he doesnât have to use any product for them to look as they do; or those blue eyes and how when you get closer, they become that much more stark and crisp; or how good he was at talking to people, convincing them of things or simply just reassuring them as a friend; and that southern drawl that still sometimes catches you by surprise by sounding so pronounced at the end of certain words, making his voice that much more intoxicating. Of course you saw the appeal, but that didnât mean you had a crush on him.
Right?
Maybe it doesnât matter. You just felt you knew better. He was like a president. You know of them, and you believe in them, but you donât get close to them. And it didnât matter that he told Carl to personally deliver you a stereo he and Daryl found while out once. How he remembered how you liked music. How he told Carl to tell you this one was probably better than the old one you had, that it was louder. You only showed him your old stereo that once when he was helping you move. He was just a perceptive guy with a good memory. All leaders are like that.
Right?
Anyway, letâs get back to your crass⌠joke.
âHilarious.â Rosita says and you hear the low contempt in her voice at your insensitivity.
âThat was ages ago though,â the girl chimes in, saving you just a little, âand he did it to help her. He didnât care about the mess he made. He save her. Iâd say thatâs pretty romantic.â
âLetâs not call that romantic,â Rosita scoffs, and despite the slight frustration, there was a quiet sadness in her voice at the memory. âThat wasnât love.â
âThat was reckless, not romantic.â You agree. Partly because you truly do, but also in attempt to win back favor from your friend. âI shouldnât have mentioned it.â
But after that day, it was all you could think about.
The idea of a knight; a romantic; someone that would do anything for you, ruin his reputation for you; find gifts from the outside that heâd send is son to give to you. Maybe you did find it charming, idyllic.
These thoughts soared in your mind so much so that on one night when thinking about boys from books or your favorite artists wasn't enough during moments under your sheets when your back arched and your fingers trailed up your thighs, your mind switched from people you would never meet to him, to Rick. Your eyes scrunched tighter, and you tried to shake it away, telling yourself it was just the women in town and the talk in the car getting to you. But then you thought about how rich and hot pink his lips looked on a bright sun-burning day and how it would feel like flames firing inside of you if he kissed you with them.
Ideas like these went on for nearly a year now. You even started questioned if maybe you had always liked him, maybe you were always just like the other girls even though tried to not be. You had thought it made you respectful, realistic; after all, how could Rick be the love of your life if he was everyoneâs? Wonderings like this became even worse and more confusing when Rosita had asked if youâd like to move in with her. Becoming closer with her meant being around the leaders more often, which meant coincidental encounters and conversations with Rick as well. Quickly, he wasnât just that president or celebrity anymore who talked to you sometimes and got you that stereo that once. He was becoming a peerâ at least in some ways. One who was curious about your interests as much as your opinions. But itâs not exactly like you were in the in-crowd now as some people assumed. You didnât get to go to leader meetings, and as much as you knew Rosita must have been telling you more than others know, she couldnât have been telling you everything. But you did see him more than other people now, when he and the leaders came over to the house or when Rosita was invited over to theirs and sheâs tell you to come too. And now, with these thoughts spiraling, you canât help but to look back at the at the times where Rick approached you, gave you all his attention no matter how small it was and asked you about what you were listening to or reading that week, letting you ramble. He was an older guy, yes, but he cared, he actually listened, and he didnât make you feel like the childish little sister others do.
Sadly, you did become the fawn like you had told yourself you wouldnât be. But you couldnât stop picturing him when you closed your eyes, and in fact, it was nice to imagine someone to fall asleep with, to wake up to. It was just going be your secret. Part of your fantasy world. But thenâ it all caught up to you.
Through the sliver of the open door he saw you, fingers between folds, goading yourself on as you chanted his name in whispers.
And to your surprise, he encouraged it. No, he did so much more than thatâ he helped you, made you come; gave you your first orgasm and made you his like no one has before.
You loved it. You gave into it. Even if it was just one secret moment. It made you give into the idea that this would continue but of course, it didnât. He hasnât spoken to you in almost three weeks untilâ
âWoah-â you gasp, almost crashing into just the person as you exit your room.
âSorry,â you both say in unison, holding onto each other's forearms before quickly letting go. Your arms cross over into your chest before dropping as you enter your room again, clearing the hallway, and his hands go behind his back. Heâs still as unsteady as you are, his mouth is slightly open, thinking of what to say.
âHi,â you whisper tentatively.
âGood morning,â he politely replies. His eyes now smile slightly as he nods to you. You donât miss how the light emanating from your bright room makes them shine. And he doesnât miss how the light shining behind your figure makes you, in your white cotton sundress, look like an absolute angel.
âGood morning,â you repeat, giggling slightly, not knowing what else to say.
âGood morning,â he says again, lost and as giddy as you are.
âOh waitâ is the leaderâs meeting here today?â Rick starts to nod and answers yes as you continue to speak, âI totally forgot! Iâm sorry. I know I should be gone by now.â
He shakes his head, âItâs fine. I was just going to the bathroom.â
âHere? Was someone in the one downstairs?â
âJust wanted to be away from everyone when they came. Daryl and I came early so we started talking and I just- we didnât see eye to eye on something. I needed a minute.â
You nod. That seems to be your signature when to talk to him. You hated it honestly. Often over-analyzing your words, worrying youâll sound immature or stutter in front of him. âI'm sorry,â you tell him sympathetically. For a moment there is only silence which makes you worry he will go away, so without thinking, you ask: âI know youâre busy but, if you need a moment, maybe you would like to come in here instead?â
Rick freezes but then, inevitably agrees. As he enters, you close the door and quickly go to shut off the low playing stereo and rehang some of the dresses on your chair in the closetâ you had been getting ready for the day. Rick goes to sit on the chair after you empty it but you stop him. You sit on the vertical side of your bed and guesture Rick to sit in the spot next to you, closer to the headboard. You wanted to sit next to him.
Rick doesnât question this, maybe he wanted to be as close to you as you had, so as he sits, your thighs touch. You try not to move too much at the first contact. Still, the heat that starts to burn inside you makes you realize how much youâve craved this. Can two weeks feel like a lifetime? Itâs like you havenât felt him in ages.
âWhat were you playing today?â He asks and you realize you eyes went straight to the area where yours and Rickâs legs touched. You know he noticed but still you try to answer normally.
âSelena. Rosita loves her. Itâs one of her most famous songs: Amor Prohibido.â
He nods. âI probably wouldnât understand a bit of it,â he laughs.
He would probably remember the singer from the news if you gave more context but you donât. There is a silence that follows until you ask, âSo,â starting slowly, âwhatâs wrong? Is Daryl aright?â
He doesnât answer. His mouth is open as if heâs deciding what to say, but nothing comes out, so you continue, âYou know, nothing is ever right in the world when Rick and Daryl fight. It makes me sad.â
The joke makes those lines at the sides of his eyes appearâ a quiet laugh. âWell you know Iâd never want to make you sad. Especially not you.â You two exchange a light smile while that heat rises fast to your heart. âWeâll be fine,â he finally says, but then he goes quiet again. Rick seems unsure if he wants to continue. He even looks at the door, wonders if the others have shown up yet, butâ he knows he doesnât want to leave. And even more, he knows he shouldnât after ignoring you like some teenage boy. He decides to tell you whatâs happening: âDaryl wants us to bring new people in. You know how heâs always going out there. But I think itâs way too soon.â
You hum agreeingly, but at the same time, you understand Daryl. âI think he just likes to give people what he never used to have,â you suggest.
âI know,â he nods a bit annoyedly; âand thatâs a nice way to put it, but you know him, when he has his mind set on somethinâ he can be so damn stubborn. Itâs frustrating. He wonât compromise or listen to anything.â
Endearingly, you try to withhold a laugh, your lisp pursing. Not only because when he says anything, it actually sounds like anythang, but because Rick sounds like heâs describing himself and he doesnât even realize it.
âAnd,â he adds, pausing for a moment before he continues, scratching his beard. It looks as if maybe he shouldnât tell you what heâs about to. His head hangs low to say: This is not information for everyone to know, okay? But the last time he went out there with Glenn, the reason Glennâs arm is in a sling right now, is because they met a group, tried to bring them back and before they could make it even close to home, the group fought âem, tried to steal what they scavenged, and almost kill Glenn.â
You widen your eyes at the statement. You actually already knew this from Rosita, but that will stay between you two. All you feel is humbled that he felt he share it with you, despite it being a dark thing. It was a close call. Rick was right for being very cautious right now. âWow,â is all you can get in before he speaks again.
âImagine if we lost him. Fought this war with his wife and unborn baby at the time for nothing? So he couldnât even meet him?â Rick shakes his head, and you notice his foot tapping lightly, making his knee bounce. This had happened a month ago now but it was obviously affecting him. âIt was reckless and I told him that. That right now we need to be focusing on whatâs inside these walls. People have only just started getting back to being comfortable now; to feeling like this is a home.â
Your eyes remain wide, âWe did so much rebuilding you.â
âWe did complete rebuilding.â He corrects, though not rudely. Shaking his head, he goes back to talking about Daryl: âI think I made it seem like what happened to Glenn was his fault. So not only were we arguing but I mustâve hurt him,â Rick realizes, âand now he definitely wonât be back todayâ maybe not even until next week.â
A silence hangs in the air after this; it seems he finished. Now, you know you should speak, but as the silence continues, you grow more unsure of what to say. Issues like these are things youâve never dealt with. You didnât want to say something stereotypical.
âIâm sorry Iâm putting all this on you.â
âNo, no,â you quickly console, trying to think. âUm, well,â you say, starting unsteadily, âthis is probably going to sound stupid and not helpful. I donât even remember the exact context or what was truly said so it might not make any sense either but, do you remember when I had my Oasis obsession? Earlier this year?â
âI do,â he laughs, turning his head over to your music table. His eyes scan any of the visible album titles to see if he can find it, but the print on most of them are too small. He turns back to you as you continue:
âThis is going to sound a little far off but I think you and Daryl are like Liam and Noel.â
His eyebrows furrow, âDidnât those two hate each other?â
âI mean, yesâ but itâs much more complicated than that to meâ but no, I donât mean in that way. It just that there is this quote Noel says that I donât remember exactly, but I really liked: he said that even though he wrote the music and Liam did the singing that Liam meant the words just as much as Noel did because theyâre brothers and he wrote them. I thought that was beautiful, butâŚâ you trail off.
He stays silent, trying to give you space to find your words but you feel like youâve gone too far. Itâs all pretty convoluted and not a true comparison to whatâs going on that youâre even confusing yourself a little. âI think what I mean is that even though they have their different roles, they still feel very similar things and believe in the same purpose. I think thatâs like you and Daryl. You two are so similar yet so different. But thereâs still a binding force that always brings the two of you together. So, like Iâm sure you already know and I didnât even need to tell you, but you two will be okay. You two have different ways of doing things, but the music or the life youâre trying to create in Alexandria still has the same meaning to the both of you.â You laugh small and breathily as you end. âThat probably didnât make sense.â
Rick smiles to himself. âI didnât get that first bit, with the quote, but no⌠that made a lot of sense to me.â He nods toward you and you return his smile. âYouâre so bright. You know that? Not everyone knows how to stitch things together like that the way you do.â
This makes you feel good. Rick thought you were smart. You know you should say thank you, but instead, something else comes out: âMay I, may I kiss you?â
âYes,â he answers, almost stuttering it out, a hint of hesitation before he did, but he nods so kindly, so reassuringly as he tells you again: âyes.â
Your fingers touch his lower cheeks lightly, feeling the bristles of his beard. Youâre slow, and careful, and scared. Your fingers linger on his jaw for a moment until they completely caress his right cheek and then you move in, swiftlyâ worried youâll lose your confidence, worried heâll change his mind. You catch his lower lip and seal the kiss. Your lips are locked for a few seconds until you retreat. It was nice, and exciting, but short. You knew you could have put your tongue in his mouth. You believe he would have let you because you remember when he did it last time, but you didnât want to embarrass yourself by doing it wrong and once again reminding him how much you donât know. But youâre sure giving him a grade school kiss like this one was enough of a reminder.
Your eyes roll down, chin low. Your cheeks are on fire and your hands do not know where to go so you start fiddling with the hem of your dress and then you laugh. You were trying to be courageous this time, and you were, but you also werenât.
Rick grabs your left hand, holding it at the end of your thigh, âI liked that,â he says softly.
âYou did?â You ask as softly as he, eyes meeting his.
A short, airy snicker comes out, âMhm,â he hums, giving you a closed-mouth smile. He found you simply adorable.
âCan I⌠try it again?â
Rick pulls on your forearm, attempting to bring you closer to him. âYeah,â he nods, voice gentle. âDo you want me to help?â
You nod before you speak, happily accepting, âYes.â
He puts your hands on his shoulders. One of his grabs onto your waist and the other holds you lightly under your chin, adjusting your head to meet his lips. The first kiss he places holds just for a couple of moments as the one you gave him did, gentle but packed with longing. The next two are slow, pretty pecks that already have you melting at his touch, lips agape waiting for the next one. The fourth is the one where he brings his tongue into your mouth, carefully bringing it in quarter by quarter. He tastes the top of your mouth and tongue and you feel him as he slowly starts to explore how far you may like to go, but truly you become stagnant other than your hands that press into his shoulder. Luckily, Rick either doesnât notice your hesitation or is already silently helping you as he takes the lead, pulling you closer by the hips and slipping his tongue in and out of your mouth to kiss you more. It makes you smileâ the excitement of your first make-out session. You giggle, and then it makes him smile too and your teeth slightly bump into each other. Accidently you nip his lip because of it, making you pull back.
Your fingers hover over your lips as you impart a quiet apology but Rick just shakes his head giving you another quick kiss instead. He starts to move back on your bed, back pressed again the headboard and he tells you quietly, âCome here.â
You get up and sit higher up on the bed as well, calves folded under your thighs. He takes one of your legs and starts to put it over his as he asks, âIs this okay?â
You nod, vigor growing as you do it now, thrilled to sit on his lap. Your dress bunches around your hips and the tops of your thighs. You move closer to press your chest into his and you kiss him first again, another small one but with intent as you look at him afterward, feeling the scratch of his beard on your fingertips as you smile at him, in awe that this is happening.
âYou want to try this time?â
âUh,â he means you put your tongue in his mouth this time, but youâre afraid to do it wrong but you know you want to say yes so you do, âYes, okay.â
So he brings you in again and you kiss him. He mouth opens a little and you try to bring your tongue in slightly but you teeth clash. âSorry,â and quickly he responds that itâs okay and rubs your cheek, telling you to just open your mouth a little wider, no teeth, let your tongue go on top of his.
You try it. Your tongues meet again, licking each other tips before you slowing press in more, your chest touching his as you try to close the gap.
Rick starts slowly rocking your hips against his and he takes control of the kiss again. It helps you not think, you like it. And you like the feeling of that incoming tight bulge starting to form under his jeans, but then you let go. âWait,â you say, âI like this.â You pause for a moment, confusing him more as to why you stopped. âBut⌠there is something I wanted to ask you.â
âOkay,â his hand stay fixed on your hips and waist, rubbing soothily, âWhat it is?â
Another pause. âI feel nervous,â you whisper.
âYou have no reason to be, sweetheart. You can ask me anything.â
You laugh, smiling as you look off to the side. Anythang.
He smiles too, although unknowingly to what you found funny. His head tilts as he tries to find your gaze and turn it towards him again.
âWell, the last time we were together here you taught me how to do something. You taught me how to pleasure myself better so,â you stutter, âI want to pleasure you. If thatâs okay. And I was wondering if youâd teach me how- to touch you here.â You remove yourself from straddling him and point in the direction of his cock.
Instantly he feels a stir of his already hardening dick.
This is not how he expected things to go this time. Or truly, he didnât expect any of this at all, but when you asked to kiss him he decided he would be gentle, more giving. It felt like you wanted him to take again, the exact thing he was trying not to do. âI feel like I took advantage of you last time.â
âRickâŚâ you shake your head. âIâm the one who didnât close the door all the way. You asked if it was okay and then you asked if you could go faster. I said yes to everythingâŚâ You start to worryâ is he second guessing everything now?ââI feel maybe we remember this differently.â You bow your head again now. Feeling ashamed, wondering if he did.
Rick places one hand on your knee to comfort you although he still says, âItâs just that Iâve never done something like this before.â His thumb sways on your skin. âI just donât want you to end up feeling like youâre wasting your time. Your first times.â
Youâre surprised, âItâs so funny how you can be so self-assured in front of a crowd and now you donât think youâre good enough.â You take his hand and press it towards your chest. Your heart was racing. âI like you. So much.â You swallow as he says your name softly, realizing how fast your heart was going. âNo one in town is truly ever mean to me or anything, and Rosita has been so kind with letting me move in with her and we talk and its nice but, you knowâ she has her flings and her friendships that are separate from mine and everyone just always seems like they have their person and I just donât. I donât have my person, or any person.â You remove your hands from your chest but Rick still holds onto it, squeezing your hand as you start speaking again. âYouâre kind, Rick, and you make me excited, and you remember things about me⌠â If your face could get any hotter, it does, âAnd, well, youâre very handsome. If you could teach me again, I would like that.â
God⌠Rick was trying to be a romantic yet you were so adamant on getting him off. He laughed inwardly, shaking his head, deciding that the best way to handle this situationâ and make up for some of his guilt as he was trying toâ would be to give you the thing you say you want and not what he thinks you want. Suppose thatâs one for widowerâs wisdom.
Decidedly, Rick gets up from the bed, giving you a once over, still admiring how adorable, and how sexy, you look to him with your feet under your lap, hands on your knees as you look up at him from the bed and your white dress. He starts undoing his shirt buttons. âRemember when I did this the first time?â
A smirk came on, thereâs the Rick you remember. Blue eyes intense, and voice getting cocky as he gets ready to give you what you need, what he knows you only want from him.
âYes,â you say quiet yet with budding excitement. You start going for the hem of your dress, âShould I start taking this off too?â
âMm, stay like that.â Heâs taking off his belt. âThought you looked beautiful in it right when I saw you.â
Your thighs squeeze together slightly. Rick Grimes was undressing before you, for you, and calling you smart and beautiful all the while.
As Rick lowers his boxers, his cock springs up. He returns to his spot on the bed, back leaning against the headboard. All of a sudden he seems to truly recognize that he is the only one exposed. He would tell you what to do, guide you, but in a small way, in a way you probably didnât realize, you were in control. It seems that each time this happensâ although itâs only been twiceâ and each time he talks to youâ which has been plentyâ you steal a little more of Rickâs heart and he just canât stop it.
âSo,â he clears his throat, your eager eyes on his cock making him twitch, âyou usually just wrap your hand around, start from the base and keep pumping up.â He shakes his head, âthereâs not too much too it but itâs best to keep your hand light at the start, youââ
You nod quickly, âMay I?â
As he nods back you, âYes.â And as he says it youâre already licking your hand.
âIs it okay if I spit? That helps right? Or is that nasty to you?â
Heâs caught off guard, âNo, no, that helps.â
So you do and you place your hand lightly at the base as he said and you start to pump. Instantly, he lets out a gasp, and the next noises that follow are repressed grunts and groans. You want to ask him to stop doing that but youâre a little scared to speak up that way just yet and youâre too engrossed in how you can see the light veins of green and blue on him and how heâs so red at the tip. It was honestly exciting. Just this, touching him with your hand, staring at his member and watching him twitch as his mouth opens to pant lightly. It still felt unreal but you liked it and you were happy to learn. You start to pump him more towards the top, placing your thumb on his slit- pressing in. His abs clench at that. You push in a little harder and you squeeze your fist around him a littleâ testing it out to see what happensâand he groans, unadulterated this time, âoh, fuck.â
The heel of your foot thatâs under your lap pushes into your center at that.
You start pumping faster. âAm I doing good, Rick?â
Hearing your voice sets him off, âFuck, sweetheart. Yes.â Heâs honestly choking out each of his words, he didnât expect to get so turned on by all of this. He realizes the last time he had sex was with you that first time, and before that⌠he canât even remember. âYouâre doing an amazing job.â
As you pump, you start to slow down, only doing it shallowly towards his base. Youâre feeling confident and you kiss the side of him, licking a fat stripe up to the top and then you pump him fully again.
âOh, fuck, yeah,â he breathes out. He wants to tell you to slow down but it comes out of nowhere, he stutters before he can even speak. An unintelligible groan mixed with a moan comes out abrupt and louder than he intends and white spurts of liquid come out.
You go faster for a few moments, then start to slow down, a little unsure of what is best to do, but you notice when you start squeezing him a little more as you continue to pump up and more whiteness fall out from inside of him.
âDid I, make you come?â
âYeah,â he says, huffing.
âI did?â your cheekbones rise as you ask with aweâ it was another first for the books.
Rickâs tries to let his embarrassment fade, he can tell you were just excited about it, but still, he looks down and to the side, avoiding direct eye contactâ almost like you typically would. You peer at him, almost nervously because of it. Rick is usually the confident one. âDoesnât always happen that fast,â he explains.
âWell before a month ago I didnât know how to make myself come so I wouldnât know,â you say with self-deprecating assurance. You had heard from the girls in town that it was easier to make men orgasm. You already had it in your head as something not to judge. You wonder how hard he must have been restraining himself the first time he placed himself inside you, or if it just happened to be easier for him that time around. âI didnât expect I could do it or anything really. I thought it wasâŚâ you smile while giggling, âinteresting.â
âA good interesting I hope.â
âVery,â you assure. âI liked it.â You kiss his cheek as you take some wipes that are by your night stand and you start cleaning him up. He doesnât tell you that you donât have to; he helps along with you.
âYou sure youâve never done any of this before?â
You shake your head. âI just read fiction books.â
He smiles to himself, a quiet snort of laughter leaving his nose. You always surprise him.
When you two are done cleaning, he puts his boxers back on. Quickly, he is on the bed again and starts to kissing you. Rick holds your shoulder and pushes you down. Finally, itâs time for his redemption, he feels. It was your turn to be pleasured. Just like he wanted to do from the beginning.
Rick kisses down your neck to your collarbone, and the parts of your exposed chest and he pushes your dress up past your hips. His lips move back up to yours, kissing you more before saying, âI really wanna show you something sweetheart.â He presses his thumb into your clit over your underwear. âCan I kiss you down there? Have you ever had that before?â
You shake your head slowly, eyes wide. âI-â you start nodding your head, â-I would really like that.â And in such a small voice you add, âPlease.â
Rick kisses your cheek. Deep and softly he breathlessly tells you, âI would love to.â
Rick moves his head lower and gives you slow kisses over your underwear from your mound to the end of your lips. He starts to drag your panties over your legs and once theyâre gone he kisses up your thighs. Then his nose rubs and sways ever so lightly on your lips. He breathes in and it makes you shutter. Your heart is going crazy again. Finally, he licks upward. One long and languid stripe ending with a kiss to your clit and then he truly begins.
Tongues are wet and sticky and everything you ever dreamed of. Your eyes roll back instantly from that first lick and kiss. You remember a time when you started touching yourself that you used to never think of receiving oral. You thought it was scary, nasty, that you wouldnât like it until the moment you thought about it as a million kisses on your most sensitive lips, or someone liking you so much that theyâd get drenched by your wetness just to touch you, to taste you. After that, you thought about it all the time and now it was finally happeningâ someone needing you so much they just had to know what you taste like. Here he was: kissing, licking, sucking, not caring about how he looks but only how you feelâ you now knew what it was like to be desired.
Rick presses his tongue flat on your clit, rubbing deep circles. His eyes are open, looking up at how your mouth opens wider and wider. You let out little whimpers, enamored by his tongue, still deciding if you like the scratch of his beard, but your eyes stay glued to the ceiling, scared to look at the scene below.
He gives you kitten licks in between speaking, âLook down. Donât miss your first time.â
Your eyes go down slowly, watching as he gives open mouth kisses to your clit and right lip, tilting his head. He stays there for a moment, hearing your short and breathy pants, kissing and licking your clit and lower lips like they were the ones above your chin. His eye contact sends bursts of sticky wet fluid down your hole and you release a whimpered moan, theyâre always sp short and soft and high pitched. He can tell you like it but he can also see youâre nervous. You donât trust yourself, you know it, and heâs starting to realize it too. Youâre scared of completely letting go.
He peppers kisses to your clit before moving upward, his tongue rolling and mouth kissing from your lower stomach to your breasts till his face reaches yours again. âNo oneâs here,â he tells you. He then kisses your lips allowing you to taste yourself for the first time. âRelax,â he whispers, rolling out each syllable. He holds your chin with one hand while he inserts a finger into your hole with the other, his pointer is instantly drenched and you shudder at the feeling. His single calloused finger reminds you of the time he was last inside you. He pumps slowly, looking into your eyes as he speaks, âDonât think about who could come downstairs.â
âWhat if Rosita or Daryl come back?â
âWhat if?â He says it so simply as if heâs ready for everyone to know. Truly, that would be an issue, but right now it was not about him and it was completely about you; he wanted to give. It was short-sighted, reckless, yes, but⌠you were just so pretty, so bright, so insightful, and he felt like he needed to make up for all the taking he did last time, of your first time. Rosita had went to run after Daryl, hopefully no one was here anyway. But again, he didnât care. It didnât matter. âLay back,â he gently commands, âforget what I said before- close your eyes. Just give in to it. Like Iâm the only one who's here.â
Rick licks zig zag stripes down your slit and then he decides to insert his tongue in your hole. He goes as deep as his tongue allows, collecting your wetness and trying to swallow it in moments when he turns back to kissing. He his nose is brushing and rubbing up against your clit as he sucks wetness from down below and you start letting out stringy moans you canât control. Soft, pretty, and continuous, âuh, ah, uh, uhâ that turn into âsorry, Iâm sorry.â Youâre still self-conscious about your own noises. This was still only the second time youâve heard the sounds you make when someone else is fucking you.
But Rick shushes you. Giving small kisses to your clit as he looks up at you, seeing your scrunched eyes and open mouth. âI like knowing you like it, pretty girl. I like all those pretty sounds youâre making.â
Your pussy tightens around nothing at that phrase.
âKeep going. You donât have to be shy.â He grabs your chin and you look down at him. His beard is wet. âWeâve already made a mess anyway.â
He starts kissing your labias, licking up wetness when you decide to ask, nervously, âCan you make sounds too?â
Instantly, Rick goes again to kiss your clit, humming into it as he sucks. Breathing against you he says, âWant me to tell you I like it, sweetheart?â His tongue slides down again, tongue reaching into your hole and he moans into your pussy.
Your back arches and you mewl, you could almost scream.
Thatâs it, he thinks. Rick keeps humming and groaning into you now. His voice is so seductive. âI love tasting your pussy, baby.â
You couldnât breathe.
Rick starts rubbing your clit with his thumb and going fast with his tongue in your hole âMy bright, pretty girl gonna come for me? Hm?â
âOh, Rick, I want to. Please, Rick.â
Rick starts to go faster and your brain turns to mush. Only noises coming out and when he stops his tongue movements to say something more you push his head down. âSorry,â you say. Youâve never been forceful before but he says nothing, just continues going down on you and taking his free hand to place it over his, gesturing that he wants your hands in his hair. You tug on his curls and he grunts into you. You start chanting his name and then he switches to placing his lips on your clit and putting two fingers in your pussy. It reminded you of the first time but instead of your three fingers they were two of his and it felt so much better than you ever knew before, better than you could ever do it yourself. It sets you off. Your eyes shut tighter if they could. âRick! Oh my god,â you moan and then again and again and then you come.
Rick laps at your cunt, vigorously trying to wipe you clean. He makes it look like it will be the last and only time. It makes you worry but at the same time he looks so sexy like that; needy for you even after you finished.
He takes your wipes and cleans his lips before cleaning you up as you did for him. He kisses you thighs and your lips and your cheeks as he continues. âYou did such a good job,â he says. âYou always do.â
Youâre filled with pride at that. âThank you.â Then worry sets in. You realize how public youâve made everything. âDid I just ruin your life?â
He laughs while caressing your thigh. That anxious expression of yours that he just got rid of returns after all the work he did.
âIâm gonna check downstairs. Okay? If theyâre there, theyâre there.â You nod. We already made a mess anyway, you remember him saying. âThey might want to start the meeting when I go down so, whatever happens, happens alright? You didnât do anything wrong.â
Your eyes are still nervous, but itâs all too late anyway. âOkay,â you respond.
âOkay,â he says back, kissing you once more. As he dresses himself again, he tells you, âI promise I wonât wait two weeks to see you again.â
âIâd like that.â
âMe too,â he says as a send off and goes into the bathroom to clean his face.
When he reaches the living room, there is no one. Rick is thankful but confused.
As he nears the coffee table there is a sheet of yellow lined legal pad with a talkie next to it.
Call when youâre done, it reads.
âRosita?â He questions into the device. Who else could it have been, right?
He can almost hear the grin on her face. âThey should start calling you Reckless Rick for all the agony you put these Alexandria girls through.â She pauses for dramatic effect. âThereâs just something about that stupid hair cowboy accent, I guess.â
Before he can respond, telling her that itâs absurd to think of him as a playboy, that he was far from it, she continues:
âSo, fucking my roommate? Youâre glad Glenn and Maggie called everyone over to theirs instead. Hershel took his first steps while you were teaching someone else how to take theirs.â
She unpressed the button to suppress her laughter. âJust get over here,â she concludes, putting down the walkie and going back to meet the rest of the group with a perfect poker face. She tells everyone Rick will be here shortly.
Oh, Alexandriaâs leader and her new little best friend who has been hearing the townswomenâs fantasies of him for years: Reckless Rick and his reckless romantic girl.
Rosita would give you so much shit for this when she gets home.
#rick grimes x reader#rick grimes x reader smut#rick grimes x fem!reader#rick grimes x female reader#rick grimes x y/n#rick grimes x y/n smut#rick grimes x you#rick grimes smut#rick grimes fic#rick grimes fluff#twd fanfiction#twd smut#the walking dead fanfiction#the walking dead smut#the walking dead fic#the walking dead fanfic
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(yandere! fan x gn! idol reader) (cw: murder, stalking, slight nsfw, yandere stuff)
Yoon-Jae likes to think of himself as your biggest fan.
He buys all your albums, attends all your fan-meets, hell, he even buys all your merch! He just wants to support his favourite idol after all.
You deserve it. Really.
He still remembers how you used to be laughed at by the other students for being a nerd.
You, his old high school classmate, the one he's always pined after even when you were a cute geeky nerd that got teased on a daily basis. Those were good times, he thinks. Before your rise to stardom and exposure to the rest of the world. When times were simpler and you were just someone he had a huge crush on because you were so his type. You two didn't even talk to one another but he had already decided that you were his crush. His first and only crush.
Yoon-Jae still finds it hard to believe that time has already passed by just like that. It's been a good couple of years since you two were in the same class, he still can't believe it. Cute, nerdy, and a little bit of a loser. Sure he knows he's popular and attractive, but opposites attract don't they?
He remembers it like yesterday, to when he first decided to act on his growing feelings for you.
It started out with small things. Following you around in public, being your own personal paparazzi. A little click here and there never hurt anyone. Not when you were so beautifully going about doing your things. His breath always hitches whenever he brings his camera up to his shaky blue eyes to snap another picture of you. The perfect you.
It was like you were made for the spotlight. Made for the cameras. I mean, how could you not be? You're perfect. Everything about you is like a blessing from the god's above. Your smiles, your laughter, the way your face would flush a little from laughing too much... Everything about you needed to be framed in a mueseum. Truly a work of art.
Click, Click, Click.
His camera fired away at everything you did. Even the most mundane of things. The tall Korean man estimates he probably had taken about 5000 pictures of you on a day to day basis back when you both were still students. If you ask his present self how many pictures he takes on a daily basis now it would probably be 2 or 3 times more than what he used to take.
In any case, he finds it a little cute how you were completely oblivious to his photo-taking. How you went around your day-to-day life while remaining blissfully unaware of the photos he shot of you.
Then things got a bit worse.
He thought it wasn't enough to just follow you around outside. No, he needed a glimpse into your private life, the one you kept behind closed doors. Yoon-Jae thought it would help him learn more about you.
And it did. It helped him to learn more about your character. About the person that hid behind a pair of thick round glasses and a nervous stutter when around others in class. The person he saw through a rose-eyed lens.
It was as though he got a glimpse into your soul.
So of course he had to continue breaking into your house to see you in your private space. Of course he had to install cameras in your room to observe how you acted when no one else was around. Of course he had to watch you 24/7. Of course he had to.
It was cute seeing you dance and sing around like some famous idol. Your voice was always so soothing that he'd fall asleep while watching you. This was something he never thought the cute little nerd in his class would enjoy doing. But if it makes you happy he'll be more than happy to support it. You were already an idol in his eyes anyway. It's even better if you wanted to act like a real one.
To be honest, he had secretly hoped you'd notice him. He finds it arousing to say the least. To be caught doing such an intimate thing with his beloved muse... It sends his heart racing, sweat rolling down the sides of his pale forehead as his member strains painfully against his sweatpants.
But you never did and he can't tell whether it's a blessing or a curse that you were so oblivious. No matter, the dark haired man can wait. He's always been patient after all. It's something his mom praised him for since he was young.
The more he learned about you, the more Yoon-Jae couldn't help but be a little peeved that you were still being bullied. He couldn't understand why such a sweet thing like yourself would get teased and called names for liking things so passionately. It's cute. So very adoravle. And he absolutely hated it that others would make fun of you for it. He hated it.
So he decided to get rid of them. What is the point of their lives if they couldn't appreciate the perfection that you are? They are the scum of the earth. Vermin who didn't deserve to live.
His usually neat and tidy appearance was a mess by the time he was done getting rid of the first person. He still regrets wear his favourite white shirt to get rid of all these pests. Their filth got all over him after all, blood and tears staining his pristine clothes.
Yoon-Jae remembers his mother horrified expression as she immediately clutched his arms, asking if he was hurt. He had to repeatedly reassure her that he was fine and just doing it for you. Her face immediately relaxed after that.
"You found your other half then? Are they like your father?"
"Mom it's not-"
"You should bring them back soon. I want to meet my son's beloved! I've been waiting for this day for so long!"
The Korean guy was so confused by his mother's words. Love? He never saw what he was doing as love. He thought it was just... doing what he should do. You're perfect so he should devote himself to you. That's how things are, no?
He started questioning himself after that. Did he... love you? Really? I mean, yeah, he did have a crush but it couldn't be love, could it? Love is a really strong word... He thinks he's just giving you the attention and affection you deserve.
In the midst of getting rid of his final victim, he decided to spill his heart out to them.
"I just... I don't know whether I really love them, you know? Like... I'm doing all this but... It's more like, I want them to be safe and protected from all the bad people. And yeah, maybe I wanna get with them too but that's not very important, is it?"
"U-uh..."
His soft black locks stick to his sweaty forehead, his chest heaving slightly as he continues talking about his feelings to the half dead person. Maybe they'll give him some enlightenment? I mean, they decided to harm you... They should at least give him some advice, no?
"Hey, what do you think? Since you decided to make fun of them you probably know right?"
"I-I don't know-"
"What was that?"
"I meant you probably love them! P-Please don't kill me!"
And just like that, it was like a switch was flipped in his brain.
He made quick work of the person... Well, at least they were useful in the end. He supposes they're not totally good for nothing.
Yoon-Jae decides to confess to you the next day. He brings in flowers and sprays his special cologne. He's positive that you'll reject him today, but he doesn't care. He'll just continue to confess until you finally give in and love him back. You're bound to fall for him one day or another.
Sadly, his luck completely failed him that day and you weren't anywhere in sight. At all.
He spent the whole day asking about your whereabouts, fretting over your well-being as his minds spirals into a states of paranoia. Were you kidnapped? Did someone hurt you? Sick? Where the hell were you?!
And that's when he heard it. You got scouted by an entertainment company and moved to a school closer to your agency.
An idol. You were going to become an idol.
It was as though his heart had stopped and his whole world was flipped upside down. Oh.
Oh.
The realization that you were actually going to stand on a grand stage with hundreds of thousands of eyes on you finally settled in and his heart couldn't help but swell with pride. His idol, his beloved idol. The one he loved and would protect to death. Yoon-Jae couldn't help but feel satisfied knowing that some person finally realized your potential. Took them long enough, he mumbles while walking back home with the bouquet of flowers.
Was he sad that he couldn't confess to you? Sure, yeah he was. He's not going to deny it or lie. It really fucking hurt when you weren't there to witness his confession. But the fact that you had actually gone to become an idol... That made everything all better.
He'd finally be able to worship and love you like you were meant to be worshipped. An idol. His idol. He'd be able to prattle and gush about you without receiving any weird looks. Everyone else will be doing the same thing anyway. They can't and won't be able to judge him. In fact, they'd be understanding of why he's so obsessive over you. You're perfect, he repeats. Such perfection is worth losing his mind over. He's sure everyone would agree.
He can't help but grin in excitement as he anticipates your debut. A cute concept? A sexy concept? Both? He thinks that you'd suit everything.
When you finally debuted he feels like he could die at that second. You, in all your glory, was standing in the middle of a stage. A soloist. The sole star of the show. He's glad your agency hadn't put you in a group. He'd feel bad for your other members, already knowing that you'd outshine them all. It's not even up for debate.
It's no surprise that Yoon-Jae's the first to buy all your merchandise. The first one to book tickets to all your shows and fan meets. He's in the front row screaming your name with his heart, blue eyes all wide and cheeks flushed as he publicly displays his devotion for you.
You don't notice him at first, but as time goes by and he continues to support you, he's become a familiar face amongst your ever growing crowd. Yoon-Jae. You hadn't realized that the popular guy in your old class had liked your music so earnestly. Maybe it was a safe haven from the horrible deaths back in your old school. You believed your music to be comforting after all.
His slender hands intertwine with yours as he appears at your fan meet for the nth time. He comes bearing more gifts than before, way too excited to chat to you one-on-one again.
"Darling, darling! You look amazing like usual! I bought this expensive cartier necklace for you today. Do you want me to put it on for you?"
"Haha, of course. You're my sweetest fan! Come put it on for me?"
The lines between idol and fan slowly start to blur to him. Yoon-Jae thinks that you truly mean what you say whereas you were just doing what an idol does. Fan-service.
But Yoon-Jae doesn't care about that. Why would he? You're his other half. He even got his mother to watch your content with him. She says she's eager to meet her son's future spouse. His father is a little bit more reserved, always hiding in his room and reading quietly, not wanting to talk to him. Whatever, he'll meet you one on one when the time comes. And you'll be his when the time comes. Though he loves you as an idol, he loves you as his lover more. The tall black haired guy is already counting down the days to when your contract ends.
For now, he'll continue supporting you as your biggest fan. He always will be your biggest fan even after your career too. You're an idol in his eyes through and through and nothing will change that.
Nothing will ever change that.
#yandere#tw yandere#yandere x reader#yandere drabbles#yandere scenarios#yandere imagines#yandere concept#yandere fan#yandere fan x reader#yandere oc#yandere oc x reader#suiana rambling#suiana brainrotting
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HEART OF A WOMAN. watch me going out of the way, when i shouldâve went home, only time of the day i get to spend on my own.
02, CHAPTER TWO. IF I CALL, YOU GONâ ANSWER?
ju speaks. hey again⌠this is a long one-ish. two chapters in two days who am i? after this, the next will take me a few (?) but i wanna have something out for whatâs my name or tcptg in the meantime! pairing. wnba!paige bueckers x fem!oc. warnings. same old + sexual content-ish.
flashback, april 2019.
the streetlights give me away as i pull up to her driveway, cutting the engine just before i reach her house so i donât wake her dad. since getting my license (bad call, honestly) we do this more than twice a week. i lean back in the seat, my fingers tapping the steering wheel, waiting for that porch light to blink twiceâher signal that sheâs sneaking out the door.
and there it is. two quick flashes, and she slips outside, her hoodie pulled up, backpack slung over one shoulder. even in the low light, i can see her outstretched grin as she spots me. i canât help but grin back.
nailea opens the passenger door, sliding in quietly but still managing to make a mess of everything, her bag knocking into my elbow. âmy bad,â she whispers, but sheâs laughing, already reaching over to shove the old takeout containers from our drives last week.
she throws me a look as she buckles up, and iâm already bursting into a smile. âpaige-freakinâ-bueckers, a husky,â she says, smacking my arm repeatedly, grinning like a proud mom. âuconn better know how lucky they are.â
i laugh, shaking my head as i pull out of her driveway. âthey better,â i say, smirking, but my heartâs racing just hearing her say it. i committed just today, and sheâs the only person who could make this feel more real for me. âtook âem long enough to get me.â
âyouâre gonna be big, p.â she says, leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest, sighing out. âeven bigger than now.â
i grip the steering wheel a little tighter, keeping my eyes on the road, but the way she says itâlike sheâs already seeing me at the top, like sheâs imagining everything that comes nextâmakes it hard to keep my focus. nai has this way of believing in me that feels so solid, so certain. i donât think anyone else could ever see me the way she does.
âi wish you were coming with me,â i say quietly, almost more to myself.
she glances over at me, her expression softening in a way that almost hurts. âyou know iâd be there if it was up to me.â but it wasnât up to her, her dad was set on red and gold, and i get it. it isnât just about family legacy, it truly is the best fit for her. her major, her future⌠and i wish i could fight on that, but i canât.
i nod, swallowing, but it doesnât make the feeling go away. i hate itâknowing she wonât be there, knowing iâll be at uconn, and sheâll be halfway across the country. naiâs smart, she couldâve got a whole scholarship there if she applied, but it wasnât meant to happen apparently.
âuscâs a top school, nai. youâre lucky. and we play each other a couple times a year, at least,â i add, like iâm convincing myself as much as her. i shoot her a small smile, but she just looks away, fiddling with the zipper on her backpack.
âdoesnât feel lucky,â she murmurs. âfeels like the universe is messing with us or something.â
i lick my lips, letting the silence fall for a moment before i say, âtell me again about the dream,â while glancing over at her, because it never gets old, and iâm sure thinking about, talking about it would lighten the mood.
she shifts a little, giving me a quick look before they shoot back to the highway. âthe w? or⌠something else?â
âthe w, of course,â i say with a grin, though i know weâre both thinking about more than just that. weâve been close since freshman year, figuring ourselves out is one way to put it. finding comfort in each other without ever daring to put a name to it. iâd jump at the opportunity if i had it in me. weâve never talked about what it all means, the time we spend, the closeness, how itâs more than friends, no doubt, even if we donât say it out loud.
her head lolls against the seat, hair shriveling up behind her, smiling a little now. âalright, so youâll be running the league, âcourse, and iâll be right thereâscouting, managing, whatever it takes. you know i know more ball than you do,â she teases, and argue, because itâs true.
i laugh, shaking my head. âyou know i always say that âcause i mean it.â
she rolls her eyes, a playful smirk tugging at the corners of her lips. âwhatever.â
i shake my head, but Iâm grinning, too, like i always am around her. ânah, iâm serious! you know more ball than all the girls, more than the coachesâeven coach cos. you just get it.â iâd bet on nai being right there with me in the league one day, if thatâs what she wants. i hope thatâs what sheâs really wants.
i know what i want. i know what iâve wanted since i saw her for the first time. i want it all with her, iâll make sure i get it too.
and maybe itâs selfish, but iâve already made up my mind. iâll make nailea mind before we graduate.
present day, may 2025.
itâs late, the kind of late where the building feels oddly empty, the silence thick enough that you can hear every creak and hum. the rest of the staff have been gone for hours, and iâm overworking myself, thatâs for sure. my laptopâs blue light glows across the desk, and iâm on my last task, trying to shake the fatigue that settled in about an hour ago. itâs funny, in a way; this job was always part of the planâa step towards something bigger, even if i didnât know exactly what.
iâm deep in a report, head rested against my hand, eyes blurring a little as i stare at the screen, when i catch a shadow shifting by the door. i glance up, thinking itâs a security guard here to lock up for the night, but then i see who it is. paige.
my heart jumps, like muscle memory, and i immediately try to school my expression, keep it calm. why is she here? sheâs got her hands in the pockets of her joggers, shoulders relaxed in that way that makes it look like she belongs anywhere she wants to be. but she doesnât. not here, not at this hour, and especially not after what happened between us a few nights ago.
she smiles, one of the smug ones that show throughout her entire face, and i barely move, glancing up as she walks closer. âyou really have nothing better to do than follow me around?â i raise an eyebrow as she reaches my desk, leaning over it to try and get a peak at my screen, but i shut it, and she settles back.
âthe facilityâs a little out your way, no?â i question, tilting my head. definitely out her way. cam had rambled a little too much about paigeâs apartment, and i was sure of the exact spot by now.
paige shrugs, poking her lip out as she places her lanyard down, clearly getting comfortable. âsumâ like that. what, i canât come see you now?â
her words make me squint, because she knows we arenât on those terms, itâs just her way of steering around itâlike sheâs trying to navigate a minefield without acknowledging the bombs weâve both set off. i swallow hard. âitâs a little unprofessional, donât you think?â
âprofessional?â she scoffs, folding her arms and leaning against the desk. âlast i checked, weâre not in a conference room, nai. just two friends catching up.â her head follows my movements as i begin to pack my things up. paige showing up was probably my cue. iâve been here too long.
âfriends?â i echo, the skepticism clear as i quirk a brow. âthatâs rich.â
âthen labeling me as some typaâ high school buddy is pretty poor,â she retorts, and i have to scarf down any out of pocket reaction i wanted to shoot at her. âguess so,â i reply.
paigeâs expression shifts slightly, and thereâs a moment of silence before she speaks up again. âcanât we pretend for a minute?â
i stop what iâm doing, sighing out, but iâm right back on it just as quick. i zip up my work back, leaning on my desk in the same way paige is. i donât think i was ready to look at her, because for a minute, iâm tempted. i miss this. i miss her. the good parts. but i canât forget. âyou mean, like, before you cheated on me?â
the color drains from her face momentarily, like she didnât expect me to say it so straight-up, and i realize that sheâs probably used to me dancing around things, especially when it came to us. but iâm done dancing, done playing like we arenât adults.
at least i thought i was. you know, it really was easy until i saw her. and i will be seeing her. everywhere.
âlook, iââ she starts, but i cut her off.
âiâm not trying to rehash everything, paige. youâre the one who came here.â
she opens her mouth to respond, but no words come out. i can see her processing, the cockiness slipping from her as she shifts her weight back and forth on her feet, almost like sheâs searching for the right words.
âi was working out late, too much on my mind,â she finally says, her voice softer. âyou need a ride? how you gettinâ home?â
âmy car,â i reply.
âliar.â she accuses. âlemme take you.â
i narrow my eyes at her in suspicion. âyouâre so aggy. how do you know that?â
paige licks her lips, biting back a smile too. âmaya told me youâont got your car right now.â
i shift uncomfortably, tearing my eyes off of her and beginning to occupy myself, pulling open drawers and pretending to rummage through papers in a futile attempt to look busy. maya. âi didnât know you and maya talked like that.â
paige shrugs nonchalantly. âsheâs aight.â
i swipe my tongue over my bottom lip. âjust alright?â
âsheâs good,â she says, and for some reason good sounds even worse than alright, but i shouldnât be prodding. whatever girl paige decides to involve herself with next shouldnât concern me.
still, the questions slip uncontrollably, mouth moving faster than my fucking brain. âyou two getting close?â i look up at her, jerking my head to the side to move a strand of hair out of my face.
paige seems to just love this, and she sizes me up with her eyes all seductively just then before responding. âwould that bother you?â
i freeze for a moment, grappling with the unexpected rush of jealousy. why does it matter? why am i still feeling this way? âi just didnât expect you to be hanging out with her,â i manage to say, and my voice is steady enough to conceal my thoughts. âseems⌠unexpected.â
âis it? âcause i thought we were both free to do whatever we want,â she says, leaning in slightly, her voice dipping low as if sheâs letting me in on a secret. âespecially since youâve made it pretty clear how you feel about me.â
my breath falls short, but i hold up a poker face, and for a minute, weâre both just staring. trying to read into everything maybe, but i know i need to say something before i end up kissing her again.
or worse, bent over this office table.
âyouâre right,â i say, perching up as i turn my chair away, getting up in a hurry. i stroll around as paige watches me, curiosity piqued, her eyebrows furrowed in that way i find oddly endearing.
i come up right next to her, and she looks down at me as i grab her keys, dangling them in front of her face. âthat means you can take me home without trying anything. touching me.â
ubering this late was probably dangerous anyway, right?
the car ride is uncomfortably quiet, save for paigeâs music filling her vehicle. itâs weird, iâve never felt out of place with paige, but i do now, and it has everything to do with what she did. you know, when i found the texts, the pictures, the videos that still make me sick just thinking about it.
iâve had time to blame myself. time to wonder if maybe i shouldâve seen it coming. when we would argue, go on a break that only lasted for so long. iâd get suspicious, overthink, and then act out in ways i knew would set her off and drive her to say and do things she didnât mean. they say toxicity is a two way street.
our trust was broken the minute distance became part of the equation. i was right about paige blowing up even more in college, but that only made it harder, made me wonder if this is what i signed up forâif i could handle it. there were some things i couldnât ignore: her teammatesâ livestreams, where iâd catch her in the background with some girl who looked a little bit too much like me, or the one time some random uconn student reached out to me about where where sheâd been at, who sheâd been with. it was like i was on the outside of the greatest inside joke, miles away, slowly losing my grip.
eventually, she pulls up in front of my apartment complex, the engine humming quietly as she shifts the car into park. iâm unbuckling my seatbelt when paige glances over, catching my eye for a moment, and thereâs something thereâmaybe regret, maybe an apology sheâll never actually say. but whatever it is, itâs gone as quickly as it appeared. she clears her throat, her fingers tapping against the steering wheel to the rhythm of the song playing, like sheâs trying to break the silence but doesnât know how.
âyou realize itâs been a month, right?â i break, and paige nearly jolts up at my voice, probably surprised it wasnât something along the lines of, âthank you for the ride, bye.â âlike, weâre not together. so maybe this⌠maybe we just need to keep our distance.â
paige shakes her head, stubborn as always. âyou know i ainât trynaâ do that.â
i feel a knot tightening in my stomach as i brace myself against the door, wishing it would magically swing open and let me escape. âwell do you have a better idea?â the last thing i want is to fall back into the old routine, and if setting some type of boundary is what it takes, iâll do it. âbecause that kiss at camâs was a mistake.â
paige chuckles, and i turn to look at her in attempt to figure out whatâs so funny. âa mistake,â she repeats, running a hand down her face, but it isnât a question. âdonât pull that card, nai. you wanted that shit just as bad as i did.â
my frustration rises. âno, i didnât.â iâm stern, shaking my head and leaning a little more forward, invading her space. âbecause i knew youâd act like this.â
âact like what?â paige shoots back, her brows knitting together in anger and something else i canât really place. i donât really wanna know. âlike i give a shit? youâre the one actinâ like iâm the problem here.â
âhello? you are the fucking problem!â i yell, the words spilling out before i can hold them back. i donât mean it, i know itâs not only her, but thatâs what a load of anger will make you say. âyou think you can just charm your way back into my life whenever you feel like it, you get off on hurting me.â
paigeâs jaw tightens, and for a moment, i see the hurt flicker across her face before she masks it with defiance. âyeah, well you make it easy,â she shoots back, and iâm taken aback, but i donât show it. âyou keep letting me back in, and then you act all surprised when i donât just walk away.â
âi didnât let you in,â i mock, squinting my eyes. âi kissed you âcause you fuckinâ begged for it,â i roll my eyes, and paige scoffs, head lolling against the seat.
âoh, and that was the only reason? you wanna play it off like it was some pity kiss? youâre full of shit, nai.â she spits, and i feel the emotion as her voice lowers towards the end.
i canât help it. âliterally fuck you, paige.â the words are clear, harsher than intended, and as we come face to face, inches apart, paige grips my jaw tightly, fingers sprawled out against it, head dropping, and iâm forced to stare at the sleekness of her bun. iâm not surprised as i keep my face tight, almost like iâm resisting without actually pulling away.
âyouâre so fuckinâ full of it,â she whispers, breath fanning over my ear, and i wish i had the mental strength to push her off of me.
i shiver at her words, my body betraying me, but i refuse to let her see how much her proximity affects me. âdonât act like this is some game. weâre notââ
she cuts me off, fingers digging in just enough to make it sting, and she leans closer, her lips brushing against my cheek as she murmurs, âsay you donât want me then. just one word, baby. thatâs it. and iâll back off for good.â
a part of me wouldâve told her to stop if she didnât add the last two words. something sounded so final about it, so irrevocable final in a way i didnât like. because another part of me never wanted to let paige bueckers go. that same part loves her with every fiber, no matter how insufferable she can get.
i open my mouth, the word âstopâ right there, but it dies on my lips. instead, my breath hitches, my fingers curl into the fabric of her shirt, and before i know it, iâm leaning into her, pressing my mouth to hers.
she lets out a soft, almost relieved sigh as our lips meet, and whatever walls i had built are as good as none as her arms wrap around me, pulling me closer and over the center console. her kisses werenât slow, she had no interest in savoring anything, but they were hungry. her hand slides further down my neck, gripping just tight enough to make me whimper.
i feel her fingers slip lower, brushing the edge of my waistband, but i grab her hand, holding it firmly as we keep kissing. âaht,â i mumble against her lips, and she groans softly, her frustration evident.
i bring her hand to settle on my thigh, and she squeezes it, pulling me even closer. âreally canât touch you, ma?â she murmurs through the kiss.
i nod, breathless as i pull back and attach my lips to her jawline, pressing and biting until i leave a mark. âsaid it,â i whisper, fingers spreading over her shoulder as i caress it. âmeant it.â
her lips are parted as she takes me in, resists her hands, and my thoughts become dirtier by the second. everything else falls away for a second, but then her previously low eyes light up, flicking over my shoulder, and she screws her eyes shut, an exasperated sigh escaping her. âfuck, nai,â she mutters under her breath, barely audible. âi gotta go.â
i pull back. âgoâwhat?â i scan her face, eyebrows furrowed. âwho texted you?â
she hesitates, glancing to her carplay screen, but whatever message had popped up is already gone. she shakes her head, looking back at me, jaw clenched. âlisten,â she says, her hand squeezing my thigh one last time, and i think it puts me in a trance. âif i call, you gonâ answer? need you to tell me you will.â
i bite down on my lip, confusion still stretched across my face, and iâm not sure if itâs just a heat of the moment thing, but i nod like itâs the most obvious answer in the world, even when i know i shouldnât of.
#paige bueckers#paige bueckers x oc#paige bueckers fic#paige bueckers fanfiction#paige bueckers smut#paige bueckers uconn#paige bueckers x fem#wlw fanfic#wlw fiction#wlw smut#wlw blog#paige bueckers blog#lgbtqia#my fic
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haikyuu ships but its things about their relationships or moments that I think would surprise their friends/teammates
starting off with my boys Daisuga: honestly definitely the rest of the team forgets that they haven't been together forever, and are never expecting when either of them are acting like, well, teenagers in a relationship. Specifically in regards to being shy in front of each other or wanting to impress each other, the rest of the team always is surprised by it because in their mind, like, why are you feeling insecure in this relationship I thought you've been dating for 2 years and Suga is just like "try 3 months BITCH now I need you to find out what his favourite kind of chocolate is I'll pay you real money if he doesnt realize why you're asking."
right along to Kagehina and honestly, literally even just realizing they have a normal relationship. I think everyone absolutely understands how they got together, but I imagine the first time ANYONE sees them out in public together they ALL have a moment thats like "oh shit they like... are actually dating" and every time Kagehina is just like... on a lunch date, or going shopping, walking a dog, just chatting. Like people are surprised that they genuinely spend time together outside of sports. The first time Kageyama goes with Hinata as his date to a family wedding the entire family is flabberghasted bc they definitely thought this was an on-court obsession only
Iwaoi is really simple, literally just people realizing that Iwaizumi has genuine romantic affection towards him is the funniest thing to me. There's a week where Iwaoi is worried bc Iwa had to go to school with a hickey on his neck but literally NOBODY bats an eye or even mentions it because "yeah Oikawa obviously-" but when theyre changing for practice and they see that Oikawa has a hickey on his neck the entire team goes feral and practically tackles Iwaizumi like "you committed to kissing him for that long?????? YOU?????" like they cannot comprehend Iwaizumi actively participating. (obviously this is also the only time they every see Iwazumi embarassed enough to visibly blush which only compounds things.)
Bokuaka's is so stupid but honestly - the first moment the team realizes that Akaashi is, like, attracted to Bokuto and isnt just his best friend that got carried away. Konoha catches Akaashi checking out Bokuto's ass as he's leaving the changing room and it legitimately ruins Konoha's day. What is he supposed to do with this information.
To be completely fair, Ushiten as a concept probably absolutely baffles the entire Shiratorizawa team for multiple reasons. I think though the obvious one is that the rest of the team cannot understand how little Ushijima is bothered by any of Tendou's antics, where Tendou is VRRY touchy and goofy and lots of PDA and affection and Ushijima is completely receptive and unbothered by it, if not going out of his way to intentionally make Tendou laugh to invite him to more. Like Tendou absolutely would sit on his lap during lunch and Reon would be sitting there losing his mind bc last time he sat too close to Ushijima he got a lecture on personal space. Oh, but now suddenly he's super chill and relaxed and nothing bothers him its tendou doing it.
Asanoya's is a little sad tbh but I think, specifically the second and first years, would be surprised by how serious Noya is about the relationship and how little he tolerates jokes about them being opposites/a surprising pair or any of that. Like theyre shocked to find out how seriously he's taking being a boyfriend and really trying to make sure Asahi is happy. The idea that it isnt superficial or just for fun for him is surprising to them.
Arankita - in a comedy of errors Atsumu accidentally finds out they they are ~no longer virgins~ and legitimately has to leave practice for 20 minutes. There's a piece of him, and the rest of the team, that had 100% believed Kita was a robot and they just.... the idea that this was something that happened organically and not for "procreation" doesnt fit in their worldview. Kita smacks the next person who brings it up and that ends the conversation.
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ii. "you told me i was pretty when i looked like a mess" | Sam Monroe
Pairing: older brother's best friend!Sam Monroe x fem!reader
Summary: Best friendâs older brother!Sam Monroe who you could always count on when you were 13 and he was 15.
Warnings: None
Word count: 976
Next Part
Your hands shook as you applied some tinted lip balm, the tube almost slipping out of your hand because of the sweat forming.Â
It was the night of the schoolâs winter dance, and you were asked to go with a boy who was in your Spanish class. He sat in front of you and always asked to copy your homework, and youâd oblige because every single time heâd say âyouâre amazingâ and âwhat what I do without you?â And the occasional tease, âthese better be right, or i'm gonna have to ask someone else.âÂ
It felt too good to be true when he asked you to go with him to the dance, but he was just so nice to you when you saw him. In the end, it was too good to be true when you overheard his friends ask him why he chose you and not the girl he actually liked.Â
âSheâs been letting me copy her homework, I thought this could be like a âthank youâ.âÂ
âBut itâs fucking awkward, none of us know her, our dates donât either, and sheâs not really talking. She's just there.â Â
You did feel out of place the entire time. Apparently the girl he liked was friends with the other guys dates, they all ran in the same circle and you were the odd one out. While they had their inside jokes and well established friendships, you barely knew your own date. And he didnât really bother to include you. So you did end up just sitting and listening and wishing you could partake.Â
The second you found out his true reasoning to ask you out, the tears came and you wanted to go home. But how? Your dateâs mother was the one to drop everyone off. Your brother was out with his girlfriend, and you knew heâd be pissed if he had to leave and pick up his crying, little sister. And the last thing you wanted was to get bombarded with questions from your parents if you did go home so early.Â
You called the only person you could think of. You werenât sure what the plan was, but you just didnât want to be alone.Â
And just seeing him, someone who you feel safe in the presence of, you run into his arms and let the tears flow. It was hard to make out from your watery explanation, but he understood what happened and held you just a little tighter. Despite his anger, there was nothing he could do. They were still in middle school and Sam was a sophmore in high school, heâd look like the loser if he went inside and beat up a kid two years younger than him.Â
âOh, god.â You said as you wiped away your tears only to see the blackness from your mascara. You could only wonder how pathetic you look. This was supposed to be a special night, and it had barely begun before it turned into the worst night of your life so far.Â
âStop that, you still look pretty.â He wipes your cheeks with his long sleeve, trying to wipe away your mascara but really just dragging it around.Â
âThanks.â You whisper, not really believing it. Â
âNo, Iâm serious. You got that kind of Courtney Love-Hole look, yâlook cool.â He leaned back to get a better look at you and smiled. You loved when he smiled, when he was happy and sweet, especially towards you. And in the moonlight, he was even more handsome.
With it being winter and cold outside, Sam gave you his jacket and slung his arm around you as he began to walk you home. You thought you could die at that very moment and be the happiest girl in the world.Â
âSo what should I do to whats-his-stupid-fucking-face?â He knew wasnât going to do anything to the kid, but he wanted to lift your mood. You smiled and shook your head. Honestly, you wanted nothing to do with him but you played along.
âJust punch him real hard in the face, I want it to be swollen and ugly.âÂ
âYeah, yeah thatâs good. And letâs take his money, Iâll- no listen to me,â he interrupted himself at your snort and continued, âIâll kick the back of his knees, hold him down, then you take the five dollars out of his pocket, got it?âÂ
You giggled as you imagined it, kicking the back of his knees. You saw him do it to your brother after he slapped the sunburn on your shoulder and that was the most you had ever laughed. Youâll never forget your brotherâs shock and pointed finger to the smaller slap mark on his back, âshe did it to me first, look!â
âNah, she wouldnât do that.âÂ
âAnd weâll get hot chocolate with the money.â And he pointed to your favorite cafe and walked towards it.Â
âSam, wait, I donât have any money on me right now.â
âThatâs okay, itâs on me. Something good has to come out of tonight.â He dragged you to the building, and in there he bought you a hot chocolate with extra milk. Which was something you appreciated because you burned your tongue really bad drinking your hot chocolate a few weeks ago and he saw.Â
What followed was some talking about movies, music, and embarrassing stories(your favorite one being that he fell off his chair in class because he was leaning backwards). Then a trip to the park where you two spun on the merry-go-round until you couldnât see straight or stop laughing.Â
And when he finally took you home, he gave you a short peck to your head and wished you a good night. It was that moment you believed he liked you as well, and you dreamed of what it would be like to be boyfriend/girlfriend with him.
banner by @dollywons
#hayden christensen fluff#hayden christensen x reader#hayden christensen imagine#hayden christensen fanfiction#hayden christensen#hayden christensen x you#hayden christensen x fem reader#sam monroe#sam monroe x you#sam monroe x reader#sam monroe imagine#sam monroe x y/n#hayden christensen x y/n#sam monroe fanfiction#life as a house
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Dinner with Aunt Denise & Uncle Jeff A Tale of Science Fair Photography
Ever since my parents died my aunt and uncle have done their best to fill some of the hole left in my heart. It almost feels like they adopted me in a way. They check on me. They help me clean. They helped me sort through all of my parents' belongings. And from time to time they invite me over for dinner when I'm feeling up to it.
Last week I got a new invitation. I had been feeling pretty lonely as of late so I graciously accepted. Before I left I saw my camera sitting on the table and realized I had this fancy new lens which is especially suited for taking pictures of people.
I thought to myself...
"This lens has only taken pictures of bridges at sunset."
Which is cool and everything, but I don't really want my only photos to be of bridges at sunset. I like taking pictures of other things.
I didn't have any lighting equipment handyâjust a single external flash. And without a solid plan for how I was going to use it, I quickly packed said flash and headed westward. As I saw the sun lowering in the sky above the highway my big photography brain had an idea...
"I should take pictures of *people* at sunset."
I needed a reflector of some kind to bounce my flash against. I thought poster board would probably suffice so I stopped at Walmart and headed to the arts and crafts area. I found these tri-fold poster board thingies that grade school kids use to display their science fair experiments.
I got 2 for $7!
What a deal!
After I arrived I asked if my aunt & uncle minded having their photo taken. My aunt said she was fine with it but warned me that no one had ever been able to take a decent photo of her.
I'm typically not one to be braggadocious, but I replied...
"Well, that's because you've never had your photo taken by ME."
I'm not sure I should have been so cocky considering my lighting equipment is typically used to display the life cycle of earthworms, baking soda volcanos, and... potato batteriesâwhich was the delightful and totally real project I just found on Google.
Science Fair Entry from Billy, Age 10
After a delicious feast of bratwurst, salad, and non-electrified potatoes, I convinced my aunt and uncle to sit for a sunset photoshoot. They even helped me set up my science fair project.
Science Fair Entry from Froggie, Age 42
I decided to do a quick test indoors to make sure my plan would work. Jeff volunteered for my first experiment.
Without my contraption...
With my contraption...
I think my experiment was quite promising. But would my idea hold up outside during the sunset with constantly dimming conditions?
We moved everything to the backyard. The tri-fold poster board was a bit ornery regarding its uprightness and needed to be tamed. My Uncle Jeff used a large rock, some pillows, and a step ladder to keep the makeshift reflectors in place.
I started taking test photos without the flash to figure out the background exposure.
Those pesky power lines were going to need to be zapped later in Photoshop, but I was really digging the scenery.
I dialed everything in, started taking photos, and even on the little rear camera screen I felt like they were turning out well. With the sun setting the sky looked like it was on fire. But then the batteries died in my flash and I was starting to lose that fiery sky as darkness began to creep into view.
Unfortunately, all of the potatoes were in our bellies so my aunt scrambled to find regular batteries in the house.
This photoshoot had become a complete team effort with everyone doing their part to make it a success.
Surprisingly it was my Uncle Jeff was giving me some bona fide model poses. He just naturally has some sort of... resting model face. Very masculine and authentic. And my Aunt Denise is just pure sunshine manifested as a person. So I had no problems getting nice expressions from her.
So... would you like to see the pictures?
Will I get a blue ribbon on my science fair project?
Am I building up the suspense too much?
Okay, here we go...
I suppose the only validation I really need is from the person who has never had a decent photo taken of them.
Let's see the verdict.
All of those hours and hours of photography training helped me learn the problem solving skills I needed to pull off a photoshoot with seven dollars in supplies.
Take a small light source, bounce it off something larger, and you get a big light source.
And big light sources make people look snazzy in photographs.
Easy!
Are you kidding me?
I lost to the potato kid?
What kind of rigged nonsense...
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thinking about how near refers to light at the end of the seriesâ not really as light yagami, not even really as kira, and not quite as L, but rather an amalgamation of titles: L-KIRA, a twisted mix of two personas, masks on top of masks. no longer a person but a series of letters, a filtered voice through a screen. a man who has built his entire life in the space between lies, who cannot let himself stop for a second without the weight of his own guilt, his sins, crushing him. regrets repressed because this is the only way it could ever be, it has to be worth it, it has to, it has to, because you canât even bring yourself to consider what it all means otherwise.
i am a firm believer that light yagami, the son, the student, the average human person, dies at the same time that L does. at least at the beginning of the series he has some semblance of normalcy to hold himself to, the Serious Student persona that keeps him walking to and from school and talking to people and eating dinner with his family at home. how many times do we really see him going outside, post-L death? how often do we see him outside of some L-based police HQ, talking to people he isnât trying to manipulate? really, itâs no wonder he falls so far, alienated as he is from the rest of humanity. when was the last time he breathed long enough to remember what the sky looks like? hugged his mom, laughed with his sister? did he ever visit his fatherâs grave? does he remember what the breeze smells like? was he ever really happy? did he deny himself his only chance?
at least in the case of L and near the isolation feels intentional, a preferable choice, carefully and logically considered for all the pros and cons. light never asked for the position he fell into, that fell upon him, that he created for himself. he denies the death note being a curse, but itâs not like he could ever admit it if it was.
lightâs story arc in death note really feels like a tragedy to me, specifically in the sense that he never really gets the chance to change. on a plot level this is true, much of the second half of the story post-L death is light utilizing the exact same strategies as before (taking away his ownership of the DN to Strategize, romancing a woman he doesnât care for to use her, fighting a snarky troll of a super genius hiding behind a letter whose real name & face he cannot find), but itâs true on an emotional level too. light never really gets to grow up, he never gets the chance to truly question his ideals or goals without the world heâs built by himself crashing down around him.
i keep thinking back to the significance of matsuda asking him about his dad, how he could drag him to his death for the sake of all of this. lightâs response, so truthful in its desperation, really sums it all up: he died for a reason. KIRA has to win, or his dad died for nothing. he cannot face the idea that he caused his own fatherâs death, so KIRA must be justice. there is no other alternative. KIRA is god, or light yagami killed his own father for a fairytale.
really, itâs so fitting that his name uses the kanji for moon. moonlightâ not originating from the moon itself but a reflection, of something brighter, greater, more powerful than he could ever be. light dies the same way as every other criminal he passed his judgement upon, on his knees and desperate, pathetic, begging for life even as he knows he is doomed to the same fate of nothingness that he granted to everybody else. godhood denied. he said it himself, that he could never be anything more than a human, but somewhere in the fog he lost track of the person he once was. and itâs nearâs cruelest observation that stands out the most to me in that final sceneâ that he never really had to be this. he couldâve stopped at any point, felt his guilt, paid his regrets, and moved on with his humanity still intact. light has spent far too long repressing and denying to ever consider that an option anymoreâ but there was still room for sympathy for the 17 year old kid who killed without thinking, long before he built up such a dedicated palace of lies to justify his actions and hide away his guilt.
L-KIRA dies on the floor of a dirty, abandoned building, surrounded by the people he spent years manipulating and lying to and betraying. light yagami dies in a helicopter, locked and chained to his only closest equal, holding a notebook that he would use to sound the death knell of his own fate and wearing his fatherâs gifted watch.
#death note#astronaut rambles#i just finished my manga reread can you tell iâm not over it#this fucking series. this fucking series#damn you light yagami for getting to me so much#time to read time speaks and cope#also can you tell i accidentally deleted a paragraph of this and had to rewrite it while incredibly annoyed ajskrkfjskem#a rare astronaut ramble written entirely on my phone instead of at my computer wowie#also thinking heavily about L and the Persona and Status of L and how much it oroboros-es itself#the name lawliet never actually shows up in the manga yâknow. he hides it well for the entire series#L was only ever L here. but who even is that#sighhh
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