#because she’s just a kid being put under immense amount of stress by adults

[yourdeepestfathoms]

when i first started to play the Changeling route, i was expecting snarky child Clara roasting the shit out of grown adults

what i was NOT expecting was just how vulnerable, scared, and emotional Clara is throughout the whole thing

the amount of emotional turmoil and torment Clara goes through is fucking insane. i’m only on day eight, and this child has completely speedrun anxiety, daddy issues, abandonment issues, and trauma—among other things. she’s only twelve days old by the end of the whole thing, and her mental health is already in pieces 😭

but like, some of the things you can make her say really highlight just how vulnerable and young she is.

whereas in the Haruspex and Bachelor routes you can refuse quests because you can’t be bothered, Clara can refuse a lot of quests because she’s scared. because what she’s doing freaks her out, and she doesn’t want to get involved.

she also just seems so sad all the time. especially on day six, which is just a huge emotional rollercoaster for the poor kid (one part that sticks with me is when it’s implied that she starts crying while talking to the Albino, and the Albino does his best to comfort her, and she starts weeping about how even Katerina, her own mother, disowned her)

this is so jarring after you play both the Bachelor and Haruspex routes because she acts nothing like this. you see hints of her vulnerability, but usually when you talk to her, she’s very cryptic and strange. she’s nothing like she is in the Changeling route, where her youth and fragile mental state is suddenly laid bare right before your eyes.

also there’s a line where she admits that she’s been “crying a lot lately.” so. yeah.

[thewriting-corner]

‘Renegades’ trilogy by Marissa Meyer: review

Welcome today to a post I have been waiting to do for months. I never do entire posts for book reviews, but since this was a trilogy (and one of my favorites I read this year) I decided it would deserve a little more.

Note: I will be doing a spoiler-free review first and then I’ll put a warning before talking about each individual book :)

Synopsis: The Renegades are a syndicate of prodigies—humans with extraordinary abilities—who emerged from the ruins of a crumbled society and established peace and order where chaos reigned. As champions of justice, they remain a symbol of hope and courage to everyone... except the villains they once overthrew.

Trilogy Review ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I honestly think these are the best books I’ve ever read. The description was fascinating, easy to follow and gave amazing imagery without that heaviness that a lot of fantasy books have (this is more sci-fi/dystipia-ish but still).

The characters felt real and their individual voices were clear from start to finish. I loved every single character, even the ones I hated. 

However, there is one thing that bothered me BUT it does align with their world and that is the lack of accountability certain characters recieve (but I will be talking about that in my Supernova review).

Then the PLOT OH MY GOSH. I mean, it’s superheroes. It’s nearly impossible to be original with a plot that isn’t the same as any Marvel or DC comic/movie/show. And yet Marissa Meyer that such a beautiful job of taking a common conflict (heroes vs villains, villains wanting to take over the world) and turning it into a unique plot with amazing twists. 

I mentioned the world-building before, but I’ll do it again. Third person POV is not my favorite and neither is heavy world building like the one this book needed and had. Still, it was written in such a simple way that I didn’t feel like she was trying to confuse me, it was just a story.

Overall, this series was amazing and I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a fast paced, mind-blowing world building and compelling characters that will make you feel single to the core even in a relationship.

🚨Spoilers Ahead🚨

Renegades ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

“We were all villains in the beginning.”

I went into this book with low expectations because I didn’t think I’d like Marissa Meyer’s style and boy was I wrong.

The first few chapters were a bit confusing but the moment Adrian fixed Nova’s bracelet I KNEW this would steer towards romance and it sold me. And then Nightmare making fun of the Sentinel for his comic book phrases and poses was my favorite thing ever. That would be me as a superhero, no doubt.

I really liked the way the plot progressed “slowly” without feeling dragged on. In fact, despite it’s slower pace of the story, the book still felt quick and that just won a million points with me.

Don’t even get me started on the Anarchists. I LOVED them. I like how they weren’t presented as villains from Nova’s POV, just enemies of a totalitarian state. Not even just in her point of view though. I genuinely didn’t think any of them were bad until Ingrid decided to show up at the library and almost killed Sketch’s crew.

And speaking of Sketch’s crew … the minor characters??? Hello??? Who writes side characters that are SO good?? Oscar is my favorite though. He wins. Danna being the only one to question Nova about Adrian’a feelings for her was hilarious, although it stressed me out that Nova put her to sleep. Counterpoint: it was very cute that the only way she could stop thinking of Adrian liking her was by putting Danna to sleep. Very on point teenage reaction. I would’ve done the same thing if only I wasn’t trying to remain anonymous in the organization that indirectly killed my parents. 

The climax, on the other hand, felt a teensy bit rushed but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy Nodrian in their not-date. It was adorable, especially when they stopped at the kid’s party and then Nova panicking over the mere thought of going on the ferris wheel with Adrian. All the carnival chapters where my favorite thing ever and I really wished they hadn’t ended with Nova killing the woman who raised her. But I did like the irony of it being Ingrid who told her she didn’t have the guts to press the trigger and then she died at the hands of Nova’s gun. 

AND THE ENDING WITH ACE BEING ALIVE. That shook me. I suspected it, of course, but it shook me to my core. 10/10 plot twist there.

Archenemies ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

“I guess I figured you deserve to have good dreams every once in a while. Even if you never sleep.”

This one gets six stars because somehow I read it in 11 hours and I’ve never read such a large book in one day. The entire story was just fast-paced action, superhero world building and Nodrian flirting and eventually kissing. Best book ever.

I liked how in this book we got a closer look into other character relationships like Oscar and Ruby and then Danna’s suspicions over Nova. I would’ve liked to see more of Danna’s friendship with the team though, since at times it seemed she was only there to send passive aggressive comments at Nova. And the Sentinel’s “death” was amazing. Pure comic book material right there. 

There is this thing though that I mentioned in the general review that bothered me and it’s when they reveal Agent N. This weapon they created using Max’s blood is a great example of how the Renegades had obtained way too much power. It’s when we start to see that maybe Nova and the Anarchists are right. The Renegades are slowly becoming a dictatorship and it’s bothersome that nobody except Nova and Adrian notice. Especially when it was so obvious with things like them using Agent N “against every prodigy who didn’t follow the Renegades code”. Sure, they were criminals, but that wasn’t about arresting them. It was about changing the DNA of people who made one mistake and were immediately deemed enemies of the state.

Back to the good stuff, Nodrian flirting was the highlight of this book. They’re both so awkward and adorable, especially when Nova’s teaching Adrian how to shoot and then when they’re in his room later on. The whole ��you want me to ignore everything?” and “you’re not allowed to have girls in your room?” quotes KILLED me. Those were peak flirting moments and I’m immensely surprised by the way that Marissa Meyer manages to write teenagers realistically as an adult and not even having teenage kids of her own. Also, Nova opening up to Adrian was just. No. It killed me. My ghost is writing this btw.

The ending, once again, amazing. I loved it. Not only did it once again show Frostbite’s true colors, show us how much hate Adrian actually held against Nightmare and the way Nova had softened by the Renegades’ influence. And Ace Anarchy’s capture goes into the good things pile.

Supernova ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

“To be honest, I’m not sure there are such things as villains anymore. Maybe there never really were.”

Is it a bad review if I just insert the word “AH” for the next ten lines? Yes? Damn it. I admit that I was expecting something much different, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I have never cursed and squealed so much by reading and had I not bought the hardcover with my own money, I would’ve thrown that book against the wall. It stressed me out. First of all, getting Nova and Adrian kissing in the tunnels a few chapters before Adrian arrests her for being Nightmare was another level of messed up. Clearly, she did everything in her power to save him from her house’s explosion and he threw it out the window in blind anger. And then the whole execution thing??? That was horrifying and it’s when the Renegades’ incompetence really showed its true colors. They couldn’t bring the people back to their side - because they failed - so they sentenced a broken, dying man and an underage girl who acted under the manipulation of her entire family, to death. If Hugh had ever even attempted to find out what happened to both Artino girls, none of that mess would’ve happened, but instead Lady Indomitable died and he went “WELL, can’t do anything about her last task, can we?” I get he was preoccupied by her orphaned son and the Ace of Anarchy, but it was as simple as going back into the house and searching. In fact, this entire book was just showing how their society was crumbling and in the end they went “we were all heroes”. I’m surprised Nova forgave the entire Renegades organization for what they did because even if it was Ace who sent a hit after her and her family, the Renegades were still willing to overuse their power. 

And once again back to the good stuff before I end up bashing the Renegades even more, I never thought I would be on board with Adrian and Nova’s relationship at the end of the book. I try not to ship toxic relationships in YA because they happen a lot and I wouldn’t like younger readers to think that it’s okay, but I loved how both Nova and Adrian were willing to make a change for their relationship to work. They compromised because they loved each other so much it didn’t matter who had tried to kill the other person and their dad or who hadn’t advocated against the other’s execution, you know, the ups and downs of every relationship. While I do wish we had seen them talking about everything, I get a book can only have a certain amount of words and I was glad just the same with how it ended. Also, Leroy’s threat to Adrian is iconic, just like Oscar proclaiming his undying love for Ruby at the arena were they almost witnessed multiple murders.

The epilogue. Just. Wow. I knew it before because I’m smart and I spoiled it but I NEED another Renegades book. You can’t just end the series saying Evie Artino was Magpie and her being as angry as Nova once was. Like, no. You just can’t. That was a crime against humanity, tbh, but overall the series was amazing and I have never been more grateful to spend almost $80 in books. 

[ericsonclan]

Practically Brothers

Summary: Marlon and Louis spend some time helping each other out before having a joke off later that night.

Word Count: 2602

Read on AO3:

“Careful, Lou! Don’t move so much!” Marlon warned as a bit of the vegetable oil spilled onto his pants leg.

“Shit, sorry!” Louis flashed an apologetic grin over at his best friend. “I just got excited I guess. We haven’t done a hairdo day in forever.”

Marlon smiled warmly at Louis’ words. It had been a while since they had done this. For the last couple years Louis and Marlon would get together in Louis’ room and surround themselves in the secret stash of pillows that Louis had (although everyone at Ericson knew about it so his stash wasn’t very secretive at all).

Once they got hidden away in the stash of pillows on his bed they would begin the process of helping each other with their hair. Life had been so hectic lately though that neither of them had had the time or energy for this special time together. With struggling to get enough food for everyone, making sure that the school was safe and dealing with more deadheads than they can count, everyone at the school was exhausted.

Marlon dipped his finger into the vegetable oil once more and began to moisturize Louis’ dreadlocks. Louis sat there quietly for a few moments before he began to whistle. Marlon bopped his head around here and there to the tune. The two of them enjoyed the peaceful moment as Marlon continued to work on Louis’ dreads. After a few seconds Louis stopped humming and his eyes wandered over to the small amount of vegetable oil that stood in an old soda bottle.

“I hope Omar never finds out how much of his vegetable oil we’ve stolen,” Louis’ words made Marlon pause for a moment before resuming. Louis didn’t have to look at his best friend’s face to know that he was smiling.

“Yeah, this will be a secret that we take to the grave,” Marlon held out his hand that wasn’t coated in the oil and Louis shook it firmly.

“We shook on it so now we gotta keep it a secret,” Louis smiled as he sat still.

“I was going to keep it a secret either way. Omar is scary when it comes to food,” Marlon’s words made Louis laugh softly.

“Isn’t that the truth,” Louis looked outside the window and noticed that some of the leaves were beginning to fall. Soon this season would be over and the cold harshness of winter would be upon them. Louis wondered how much stress would weigh on Marlon’s shoulders throughout that season. Marlon never seemed to take on more than he could bear. At least that was the impression that Louis had gotten over the years. Louis snuck a glance back at his friend. He was really thankful to have Marlon as a leader. He won hands down over all the shitty adults that had left them the moment the world went to hell.

“All done,” Marlon spoke up and wiped off the oil on his hands before he took off his letterman jacket. The blond tossed it beside him on his right and shifted his weight. Louis scooted over on his knees and grabbed the knife.

“Alright, dude, stay extremely still or I might accidentally shave off part of your mullet.” Louis smirked.

Marlon frowned over at his friend for a moment before a subtle smirk appeared on his lips. “That would be way too high a price to pay.”

“It would be a travesty,” Louis began to shave the right side of Marlon’s head where some new hair was growing in. He only needed to shave a small portion of it. “Have no fear, I won’t harm this majestic mane,” Louis grinned and continued his task. Once the right side was done he picked up his friend’s jacket and shook the loose hairs off onto the floor before tossing the jacket over on Marlon’s other side. Shuffling over, Louis began the process once again on the left side. The room was quiet except for some quips from Louis here and there. After a few minutes he was done. Louis scooted back and nodded proudly. “Yep, you are still rocking that eighties look!”

“Someone has to,” Marlon smiled and worked to get his jacket back on. He glanced out the window and saw the slant of the sun. “Shit, I need to go talk to Brody about the fishing shack. Could you find Aasim and go over the traps again? It will be easier if you’re there seeing as you’re the one who made them and all,”

“I’ll see if I can. My piano may be calling to me,” Louis got off of his bed and stretched.

“Louis, please. For me,”

Marlon’s tone made Louis pause before nodding. “Okay, I will be with Mr. Stick in the Mud in two shakes of a lamb’s tail!”

Marlon chuckled at Louis’ words then waved goodbye. Soon both of them were off to their respective tasks.

The day went by fairly smoothly. Marlon had been able to figure out a solution with Brody regarding the efficiency of the current fishing spot while Louis had fixed the traps. All it had cost was a headache that Aasim claimed he had gotten from Louis’ talking. Louis insisted this was a false accusation and that Aasim simply didn’t drink enough water that day.

Evening was quickly upon them. After Ruby and Sophie had worked to prep the ingredients with Omar for dinner and once the perfectionist chef himself signed off on the meal, dinner was served. Louis immediately took a spot next to Marlon who was sitting at a table with Ruby, Brody and Rosie. The pitbull casually sat beside Marlon who snuck little treats to her here and there when Ruby wasn’t looking.

The four of them ate the food happily, enjoying the warm, comforting stew that they had eaten for years and would continue to until the walkers got them or - as Sophie had proudly declared - old age did. She always believed that all of them could live until they were old and withered. Dinner continued to be peaceful as people at the different tables chatted and conversed until Marlon let out a huge burp.

“Good Lord,” Ruby waved a hand in front of her face and frowned at Marlon.

“Sorry,” Marlon smiled sheepishly and began to sip his stew when Louis spoke up.

“Yeah, you should be. This is a real burp!” Louis belched loudly, causing Marlon to nearly choke on his stew. The pair laughed loudly while Ruby got up and stormed off with a huff.

“Honestly, you two,” Brody got up and jogged after Ruby. The pair talked quietly for a minute before Brody offered that they could have some tea which brightened up Ruby’s mood immensely.

“Alright, Marlon, it's a joke-off time,” Louis grinned and saw the sparkle of joy in Marlon’s eyes.

“Okay, but you better get ready to lose. You’re the one that's going to get stuck with dish duty,” Marlon smirked over at Louis.

“That’s funny because I could’ve sworn I saw your name on the list for dish duty.” Louis returned the look back at his best friend.

Soon Mitch and Aasim moved to a table nearby Marlon and Louis’ table along with Willy who jumped down onto the spot next to Mitch. All of them were interested in seeing this joke-off. It had become a fairly regular routine with this pair. Marlon and Louis would throw back jokes back and forth and whoever ran out of jokes first or felt that the other one had done better would lose. The loser would then be stuck with an annoying chore.

Louis cleared his throat and decided to start the joke off. “I saw you picking flowers the other day for a girl,” Louis leaned forward and looked at his friend. “I bet Rosie liked them.”

Marlon smiled at that joke before adding in his own. “Hey Lou, the spiders called. They want their baby back,” Marlon smirked when he saw that Louis had understood he was referring to his hair.

“Oh ho ho, well played,” Louis grinned. No one else seemed impressed by these jokes. They were usually bad, corny or downright dumb jokes about Marlon or Louis. Occasionally Rosie or one of the other kids got thrown into the jokes but that was less frequent. Louis pondered his next joke for a while before delivering it with a smirk. “Marlon is so white that sunscreen puts him on,”

Marlon chuckled at that which made Louis laugh as well. “Oh yeah? Well, Louis, I hate to break it to you but the tooth fairy doesn’t take teeth that are lost on account of being a dumbass,”

Louis’ eyes widened at those words and he held his heart in mock sadness. Marlon began to laugh some more at that which in turn made Louis’ laughter grow. “Hey, Marlon, y’know why Rosie has a mattress in the headmaster’s office? It's because you smell so bad even she won’t sleep next to you,”

Marlon felt the zing of that one and immediately had a comeback. “Well the only reason your piano doesn't run away from your stank is because its legs don’t work!”

Louis paused at Marlon’s words, impressed by the reply. The pair was quiet for a second before they burst out laughing. The two of them continued to shoot jokes and zingers back and forth until Marlon held up his hands.

“Alright, alright, I’ll forfeit this round but you’d better watch out for next time,” He smiled competitively at his best friend. Louis returned the look and leaned his elbows on the table.

“We’ll see about that. After all, both of us are-”

“Idiots,” Violet butted into the conversation as she walked by with the twins and Tenn.

“Actually it's pronounced geniuses. We are joke masters.” Louis smiled at the blonde who rolled her eyes as Marlon and Louis high fived.

“Well, you’ll face the daunting task of being under the watchful eye of Omar as you clean dishes tomorrow,” Louis stood up from his spot.

“Oh boy, I can't wait,” Marlon quipped and rose as well.

“You still have one more night of freedom. So how about you join me in the music room?” Louis offered and Marlon nodded warmly.

“Sounds good to me, Lou. I just need to grab something from the headmaster’s office.” Marlon began to walk alongside Louis.

“Alright, then I shall see you soon. If you get lost, just follow the sound of my mesmerizing music,” Louis pulled on the sides of his coat as he strolled forward.

“Will do, but I think Rosie and I will be able to navigate the winding halls of the admin building just fine,” Marlon waved a quick goodbye to Louis before jogging up the stairs. Rosie followed close behind.

Minutes later Marlon had entered the office. He strolled forward and reached out for the map that lay on the table. His eyes wandered over it for a second before he felt Rosie pawing at his leg. “Sorry, girl,” Marlon gave the pitbull some loving pats and headscratches. “We can go hang out with Louis now,” Marlon tucked away the map in his pocket and grabbed the red pencil.

Rosie led the way down the stairs and happily trotted towards the music room where Louis had begun to play his music. Based on the strained notes and the slightly off-centered music, Marlon guessed that the piano was due for a tuning. Louis turned when he heard the door creak open thanks to Rosie’s paws whacking against it.

“Seems you were able to find the music room after all,” Louis smiled playfully at his friend who returned the smile.

“Yeah, it was a good thing I had Rosie with me.” Marlon sat down on one of the chairs and a pile of dust shot up and swarmed his face. He coughed loudly and Louis stopped his playing for a moment.

“You okay? Getting choked up because you lost the joke off?”

Louis’s words made Marlon look over with a competitive expression. “Ha, you wish,” Marlon coughed loudly for another moment before he took a deep breath.

Louis studied his best friend for a moment to make sure he was really okay before he began to play the piano again. His fingers danced around on the keys, creating a beautiful, playful melody that was only partially lost due to the untuned piano.

Marlon listened and smiled softly as he looked at the map. His mind quickly wandered back onto the safety of the school. He wondered if it was wise to start enforcing a tighter safe zone. After a few minutes Marlon decided against it. He wouldn’t make any major changes, at least not tonight. He doubted he’d be able to properly assess such a weighty decision at the end of the day when his energy was low. So instead he enjoyed his friend’s music.

After a little while Louis stopped his playing. “Y’know, maybe you should learn to play the piano,”

Louis’ words made Marlon glance up. “Yeah, well I bet I’d sound pretty shitty compared to you,”

“That's what practice is for. Surprising as it may be, I wasn’t always a piano master. Shocking, I know,”

Louis’ words made Marlon crack a smile. “I think I’ll stick to the guitar, thanks.”

“Well, I’m sure the day you track one down will come soon. With all the wild stuff we’ve found on some of these deadheads, I wouldn’t be surprised if we found one with a guitar,” Louis spun around on his piano bench to look at Marlon.

“That would be the dream. I miss playing guitar,” Marlon tilted his head back with a tired smile. “Well, it's getting late so I should head to bed.”

“Alright,” Louis rose up from his spot to sneak in some final pets for Rosie. He knelt down and whispered conspiratorially to the pitbull. “Make sure he actually gets some sleep, Rosie.”

“Hey, I can hear you,” Marlon looked down at his friends as he placed his hands on his hips.

“Damn, looks like we got caught, Rosie,” Louis’ gaze focused on the pitbull who was panting happily. “Alright, but seriously dude. Don’t push yourself,” Louis’ eyes locked with Marlon’s.

“I won’t,” Marlon smiled reassuringly and was relieved to see that his friend relaxed at those words before standing back up. Marlon continued to look at Louis for a moment before he walked forward and gave him a hug. Louis immediately returned it. The two of them held onto that hug for a moment before Marlon let go. He gave a final smile and wave, wishing Louis goodnight before heading off towards the headmaster’s office.

Marlon slowly walked down the hall, his eyes glancing around at all the graffiti that covered the walls as he walked up the stairs. Today had been a good day. He had been able to give his mind a few moments to get away from all the stress that being the leader brought, but now it was time to focus again.

Marlon glanced back at the music room as the sound of the piano filled the halls once more. He was really glad to have a friend like Louis. No, friend wasn’t the right word. Brother felt more fitting. Even though the world had gone to shit and life could be hell he knew he would always have Louis on his side. With that comforting thought putting Marlon’s heart at ease, he began to climb the stairs again, ready to continue his role as protector of the school.

[8redphoenix8]

An Essay about School and the Stress of a 17 Y/O "Adult"

Hi. Its me. Red.

I've been hardcore struggling in school, Pre-Cal has been giving me hell for the past 5 months, I recently learned I didn't even get a credit for last semester, and History has been rough due to me not being informed about quiz and test dates. This has resulted in me making anywhere ranging from a 62 in Pre-Cal, and a 68 in History at the worst. I've been trying my best to bring these grades up, but as soon as one goes up, the other goes down and I can't keep up.

I'm so very tired. My mental health is wearing thin, but I can't afford to take off or I might miss important assignments or be able to exempt finals at the end of the semester. My parents don't think I'm trying, they think of me as irresponsible. Hell, they cornered me just a few weeks ago just to tell me how shit I am at being an adult, which I barely even qualify as, since I'm only 17.

My mom has been having me plan out a "Life Plan", which sucks. I know its supposed to help, bit when I barely understand how the REAL world functions. She tells me to find a cheap college, which she suggests the two I have in my town, Ranger College and Tarlton State University. This contradicts things my mom has said to me before, how she said she doesnt want me to go to TSU because it's not a good college. She tells me to major in something useful, like science or engineering, so I can make tons of money and get a good job. Then go to college again to do what I want. She says go to Ranger for a while, transfer to TSU, graduate, get a profitable job doing CAD design or something, then GO BACK to a college I actually want to go to and major in art like I want to. Why? Why should I go to three (3) seperate colleges and rack up massive amounts of student debt? Fucking hell, I don't even like CAD design in the first place.

I just want to be happy, but the pressure I am put under as a junior in highschool is immense and unrelenting. I used to be one of those kids who got As in every class, now I'm struggling to to keep Bs and Cs.

I am tired, so very very tired. I wish I could just have a break and relax from this life.

[donothold-ontoyoursanity]

When The Rain Comes

pairing- Ulsa x Papa

word count- 1866

genre- (tiny) fluff, angst

summary- second chances are what he wants, but he hates them. He’s made mistakes during his teens, made up for them in the early adult life and screwed up again. He’s confessed too late, or too early, but he manages to find the right time to propose. He’s an average guy, but she doesn’t settle for average. Perhaps it was the mistakes that he wishes to reverse.

The sun peeked out behind the rain.

It was when I first met you. We were 7 then, young children without a care in the world. We often met up at the park, starting off as shy strangers but then forced by our mothers to talk to each other. Our friendship then blossomed, secret glances at each other during school were prominent. Inside jokes emerged. Playdates became more often. Our parents started to get concerned about the amount of time we were spending with each other, but we didn’t care. We were 7.

Fast forward a few years later. We’re now 12, and because we’re friends of the opposite gender we’ve drifted apart, and everytime we look at each other we are reminded of our past friendship. Despite all the fun we’ve had as kids, I start a rumour about you. Something about how you drank alcohol at home. The rumour spread, turning your own friends against you, leaving you with no one to trust. I don’t know why I did it. Perhaps I was jealous of you- many of the boys circled around you, begging for a piece of attention.

It’s when you turn 13 when you find out I started that rumour. You had moved to a different school, but you were still living in the same town. Coincidentally, we saw each other at the park we first met, and you came to me without hesitation. You glared at me, exasperated. “Why the hell did you start that rumour?” you said to me, growling. I panicked, trying to look confused as if i forgot about that rumour. “What rumour?” I replied, nervous. “You know which rumour it was. Don’t lie to me.” I roll my eyes, throwing up my hands in defeat. “I don’t know why. Now get away from me, Ulsa.” You scoffed, smirking. “Bullshit.” You turned around exiting the park without a second glance at me. I too turn to leave, but before I can do so, I notice that you’ve left something behind.

It’s our friendship bracelet from years ago.

We don’t interact again before university-during high school I have a few affairs, none of them serious enough, all while seeing none of you. Yet i kept hearing stories about you from my friends, saying how you had won a local science competition. Many years after and you were still the charmer, and I hated it. I hated it with a burning passion. I would retch at the mention of your name while all of the other boys followed you.

We were 16 when you had your first serious relationship. It was with a guy named Rory. Rory was handsome-practically the male version of you. It was obvious that you two would get together- the royal couple as many people would say, yearning for a relationship like yours. And for the following year, I knew of all your dates with Rory, no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to ignore you, yet i kept going back to your icetagram and checking your story every day you had a date. It hurt me whenever you posted a picture with Rory, but I kept liking every picture you posted of him. I was 17 when I realised that I was in love with you. You were still with Rory, arm in arm, and glaring at any girl who had intentions with Rory. You loved him, and he loved you. In order to forget about my lovesickness about you, I hooked up with a girl. You may know her- Placida, your best friend. I purposely went to your table and flirted with your best friend in front of you, and I enjoyed the glares you sent me. I had to pretend I could be fine without being with you, and I flaunted my “strength” in front of you. I remember the conversation we had while you were third wheeling with me and Placida. “What is up with you?” “Me?” I asked, innocent. I cocked my head to the side as my phone buzzed. The conversation we had was put on hold. I checked my phone, and the rain started.

It was when we were in university when we started to tolerate each other again. From project partners to inseparable friends. It felt just like as if as we were 7 again, without a care in the world. But we did care about many things- often, I came to your dorm to deliver some coffee to you because you were pulling an all-nighter. Sometimes you came to my dorm with bags of fried chicken, relieving me of my stress. The playdates we used to have were replaced with playing Mario Kart together, our old inside jokes replaced with new ones. It felt like being rebirthed, especially when I was with you.

There was a thunderstorm when I accidentally told you I loved you. I was at your dorm, sitting around after a round of Mario Kart when i said into the comfortable silence, “You know, I really love you.” You look at me, shocked. “What?” you replied. “As a friend, obviously,” I say back, panicked. “I don’t think I would have felt this liberated without you.” You laughed, probably relieved that I just managed to cover up my accidental confession. “You were such a jerk during high school though,” you laugh.

I laugh at my childishness. “I know.”

We continued to share notable events in our lives, even though we couldn’t see each other too often. You got a job at a law firm, and I got a job as a doctor. You had a niece- I didn’t have any. We were at the climax of our lives.

Both of us were not prepared for when you called me, crying, your words incomprehensible. It prompted me to go to your house at once. Once I got there, you fell into my arms, tears staining my shirt, not that I cared. “Rory broke up with me,” you said through tears. I did my best to console you, feeling the arms to grief tugging at my heart. Over time you got over him, thankfully, because that meant I finally had the chance to be with you.

I never planned the breakup from the very start, but I was immensely grateful that it happened because I would have never had a chance. We spent more time with each other, the rainy days filled with sunny days and the days of grief and tears were no more.

A year after Rory broke up with you, I confessed to you again. And unlike last time, it was not an accident and I had no intention of covering it up if it went wrong. I was ready to let go of this friendship, because I wouldn’t have been able to handle a second rejection.

How lucky was I that you accepted.

As soon as you said you accepted my confession, I did the most romantic thing I could think of and kissed you. You were definitely surprised at it, but you didn’t pull away.

And so 5 months of dating went by.

I had loved you my entire life, so I had a plan. To propose to you.

Many would argue that 5 months is far too little time of dating before proposing, but those 5 months felt like 10 years with you, because time never stopped when I was with you.

It was all ready- the reservation, the ring, everything. And when I popped the question, you wouldn’t stop screaming and of course you accepted, making me the happiest person on earth.

2 years after we got married, we had Johnny. After the birth, you looked up at me with tired eyes and said, “did i do it?” I laughed and stroked your cheek. “Yes.Yes you did. I’m so proud.”

Johnny’s childhood went by fast, and our love went strong.

It was strong until that day. The day when I found you in our bedroom, crying. I asked you what happened, and I tried to hug you, but you shied away from me. “Why?” you asked.

“Why what?” I reply, unsure.

“Why did you touch the ice?”

Of course. It was snowing on the day. I dropped the bucket of ice and picked up some to put back into the bucket, but I wasn’t sure why you would get angry at me.

But how could I forget? When we were 8, we were running while it was raining. And then the hail started coming down, and I ran to shelter. But you? You kept playing in the hail, until you dropped down. You were taken to the hospital, and from that day on you hated ice.

So what could I say? You were always the one for dramatics.

“It was an accident, Ulsa, I’m sorry.”

You turn to me, angry. “I don’t know why I married you.”

Those words hit me right in the chest.

And so, we fought, we fought like crazy and we couldn’t stop, eager to dispute each other. Anyone who knew about the fight weren’t surprised that we got divorced.

But me? I was angry that you had ended our marriage over ice. It was a small thing, and yet you chose to push me out of your life because of that one thing. I hated it. I hated everything.

We split paths naturally. I don’t know what you’ve been doing for the last 3 years, but I see that you’ve gotten over me. I still haven’t.

You’re getting married again tomorrow, to a man named Donald. I can’t help but feel jealous, like I did in the teens, because I want to have you. I wanted you to always be mine, and I never wanted to let you go. I feel so angry that I’m making Johnny go by himself and to give this letter to you, because I can’t bring myself to look at you being happy with someone else.

I was never supposed to be with you. I hated being rejected for the second time, and look where I am now. I was forever destined to be rejected by you since the day I told that rumour about you. If I didn’t tell that rumour about you, could I have confessed earlier and became in a relationship with you rather than Rory? Could I have gone back in time and told myself to be more careful with the ice bucket? Or could have I gone back in time and told you to get under cover when it started hailing? Where did I mess up? What was so despicable about me that I couldn’t keep you by my side?

Nevertheless, I do wish you the best with your new husband, because above all the negative emotions, I wish for your happiness. If he makes you happy, then I am satisfied. I only exist for your happiness, and nothing else.

Hopefully it doesn’t rain on your wedding day, like it did on ours- it rained so many times when i was with you, it must be a bad omen.

Have a lovely marriage, filled with everything you could have ever wanted.

Yours,

Papa.

a/n; i wrote this in like....two days because i suddenly got the inspiration for it. Anyways please reblog because we need validation Proofread by Admin S Written by Admin J