#because of course they can’t be far. What if other dudes hit on Johnny and he doesn’t kick their ass?

[zappedbyzabka]

Reminds me of something…

[jae-canikeepyou]

| kismet | j.jh | part two

pair: jaehyun x fem!reader

word count: 10k+

summary: his parents sends him for a month long vacation to the country side to meet his other half, which so happens to be you. and alternatively, your beloveds asks of you to be in your best behaviour while he’s around. disliking how things turn out, you both come up with a pact with each other before your two families gathers together for christmas eve dinner.

genre: arranged marriage + bad 1st impressions

a/n: this is not proofread and i apologise for any mistakes :p here’s the next one and i hope you look forward to the final soon! enjoy reading! ~j

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| part one | part three (final) |

it was another morning johnny saw you and jaehyun arguing at a distance by the stables. be it inaudible yelling or actions that seemed exaggerated, this time it was a sight that was a little worth seeing. so he walked closer to hear this quarrel.

“you didn’t check the horses’ conditions yet? it’s been a few days and i told you to memorise the schedule!” you flipped through pages roughly that they nearly tore. “it’s your job! you’re the ‘vet’!”

“what? you never gave me any schedule to begin with!” jaehyun groaned then sat back on the hammock to rest and you were trying to get him back up on his toes. “and what if i just want to take a day off today? you can’t force me!”

“check the animals jaehyun. that’s an order.” you sighed, writing down notes to keep updated with the stocks and materials. “i have some things to do—”

“like what? practicing and riding?” he asked and you didn’t answer. “thought so. you rarely do things around here and you still brag about how accomplished you feel.” he scoffed and laid back down on the hammock. “i’m the one doing the work..” he mumbled until it was inaudible for you.

ouch that hit the mark. johnny could see your cheeks bubbling up and eyebrows narrowing at jaehyun’s comment. of course he wouldn’t know that because you usually do not deal with the hard work around the farm. the only job you work hard for was horse riding. you had a reputation to hold as you were the daughter of a renowned family.

jaehyun took a huge inhale as he swung himself like a mother did to lull a child. he sung to annoy you even more and with the ruffles from the papers in your hands, johnny could tell his friend was satisfied making you mad. you bit your hairtie between teeth, tying your hair up into a high ponytail and rolling up your sleeves until the elbows.

he was indeed a huge man, you grabbed the edge of the cloth and pulled him as high as you could. he fell miserably to the hard soil. “ow quit it y/n!” he stood up to dust the impossible dirt from his pants. “you’re just sensitive because what i said is actually true! i’ll get back to work if that’s what you’re worried about.”

he fixed his coat and head straight inside the stables.

you crossed your arms and tried your best to hold your changing expression. “talk about sensitive! you can’t even withstand heavy workload!”

“mentally i can but i’m not physically ready! i didn’t sign up to be your pawn so stop acting like a queen and actually help out!” he grabbed the hay and scattered them in the horses’ place.

the audacity- the fall from three days ago still had an impact on you. “didn’t you hear what i said? i have things to do! now continue that. i have to answer this call..” you sounded irritated and soon your voice sounding further away the more you spoke. jaehyun saw you answering the ringing phone, taking it from you.

before you could, you were draped on his shoulder as if you were a towel. “i won’t take that as an excuse, y/n! you’re coming with me!” he forcibly took the phone off your hands and threw it far.

defeated and exhausted to talk back, you tapped his back because fear was slowly consuming you due to your shoulder pain. “you’re buying me another phone! put me down jaehyun! my back still hurts!” you hit his hips and expected he wouldn’t listen but,

he did as you were told.

“you’re forgetting your condition number one!” jaehyun pointed his temples as anger became visibly seen on his face. “you said ‘you’ll do the work for me and with me’, and they go together!” he threw a small sack of hay to you.

“you’re being an ass because i invaded your day-off!” you stomped to the next horse.

“tsk, i don’t think i can continue this with you! you‘re ruining my well-being every single day!”

“the jeong jaehyun can’t stand arguments?” you tilted your head in frustration and nodded at his silence. “thought so. this is part of the pact you suggested and i’m just simply following it! so if there’s anything, you’re the weak one here!”

from afar, johnny was taken aback behind the fences.

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the kitchen was quiet, the grandfather clock ticking away time and as each second passed, so did your patience. daylight met its end. it was day 14 and your mother asked you to give jaehyun the lesson he wanted to have— bread making. you forgot about it, and jaehyun probably did too because despite staying over for ‘vacation’, every day you either saw him with his friends goofing around the barn or him superglued to his school work.

yet now you were close to smashing his face into the mountain of flour he carefully, and slowly built. mark did a better job despite being clumsy. you can handle clumsy, but you couldn’t handle people with top perfection in their ego, a.k.a., jaehyun.

his dimples were hollowing as he looked intently at the numbers on the scale, waiting for that specific and exact digit to appear with a spoonful of melted butter. “oh my g- you’re wasting time!” you grabbed the spoon and put everything into the bowl. “0.1 or 0.2 grams makes no difference! hurry up and mix the dry to the wet ingredients!”

“i was nearly done with the measurements but you had to dump everything in there!” still he stirred them in a bowl with a whisk anyway. “you’re the impatient one!” he carried the bowl and placed it between his arm and waist, subtly asking johnny to film him.

“uhm what do i do after they’re incorporated?” mark interrupted the heated conversation. so far he was careful and observant with your every move. “do i knead it?”

“after twenty minutes.” you smiled at him. this was great; mark actually made your day at least, a lot better than jaehyun did. “resting it will let the flour hydrate. the milk will be absorbed and the gluten will relax too.”

mark snapped his fingers as he tore a plastic wrap to place on the bowl. “that makes it easier to knead right?”

for a moment you felt like a proud mom. “mhm, you’re learning! you’re originally not my student today but you’re doing a better job than—”

the bowl jaehyun was using fell to the floor. to make it worse it was upside-down, that meant all work done had gone to waste. the dough wasn’t close to incorporated. “..him.”

“crap.” jaehyun swore under his breath. his lashes slowly lifted. “my bad. i don’t mind starting again. i can handle my next batch.”

and though they were pretty, your disappointment came through your sigh. “goodness jaehyun. things are never right with you. i’ll clean this up. we ran out of eggs and milk so you have to go to the farm and get some.” you pulled mark’s arm aside as you began to clean. “mark you can chill for a while.”

jaehyun untied his apron and went out with a bucket, mumbling and complaining to himself at exasperating you were so early in the morning.

johnny then followed him. the pact he heard lingered in his head and thought this would be the right time to ask. “i can do the milking myself john.” he opened the gate to the cattle.

“i know. but that’s not why i came along.” johnny put his camera aside. “you and y/n.. made a pact?” with that question out and jaehyun dropped the bucket, johnny figured that what he heard days ago could be true.

“what?” jaehyun turned on his heel, confused, trying not to sound or look surprised. “why would i make a pact with someone so ill-mannered as her? she’s not worth my time or even interests me.” he affirmed with subtle shaky eyes. “the only pact i know is this marriage our parents put us into.

johnny thought for a while, looking at jaehyun who grew clueless the minute passed. he guessed he was wrong. “n-nothing. i’m probably hearing things. or jumbling scenarios because i’ve been watching too many movies this holiday season. i’m sorry dude.”

deep inside jaehyun let out a sigh of relief, but anger was starting to boil at how careless you were for slipping out. he continued to milk the cows and retrieve a couple of eggs before hearing you call them from the house. “oh my g- she’s screaming again-” he scoffed and tried to walk faster. “i can’t just run i might spill the milk bucket!”

“there’s this thing called speedwalking!” you yelled. “try doing that!”

“you always argue with her. aren’t you both tired?” johnny took huge leaps to escape the cold.

“she isn’t, i am. imagine the amount of stress i get the moment i open my eyes in the morning.” jaehyun vouched and shivered at the thought of it.

johnny opened the door and the warmth met their skin. “sure but when you do bump heads, there’s always a smile on your face after you state your point. i never seen you in a good mood since you and sue broke up. i can take that smile of yours a sign.” johnny noted what he’d been seeing.

“it’s a victor’s smile. it means i win the argument.”

they both entered the house and to find you still teaching mark. jaehyun placed the bucket down and rested on the sofa after being told he could use the kitchen once you were finished. trying to keep warm, jaehyun gave small glimpses of you as he wondered when it would be the right time to tell you about what johnny told him. and because he felt johnny tailing him from behind, he wanted your lesson to be over quick.

“i’m thinking it’s a sign that you have feelings for y/n.”

jaehyun batted his lashes. “no no no. i don’t fall in love that easily. there’s nothing attractive about her and i told you i’m not marrying someone like her, with bad attitude and all—”

“and still you tease her for fun? that’s like a cover-up to hide how you actually feel. you may not see that but in another’s eyes, it means something.” johnny clicked the buttons on his camera, rewatching the videos he took.

“are you throwing the ‘i tease her because i like her’ kind of ego? you know i argue with her because i hate her.” he hissed, flipping his laptop open to double check his reports.

the blonde hair boy shook his head with a growing grin of disbelief. “i’m not. my point is, it wouldn’t hurt to try to know her for who she is.” johnny’s lips flatlined when his eyes trailed to your approaching figure. “who knows maybe she’s trying as well and never really got the chance to- yeah i know y/n he’s all yours now.”

unfolding your arms you playfully hit his back with pressed lips. “shut it johnny. just help the baby lion with the cleaning, he’s not really good at it.”

you sat on the sofa, circling your shoulder to ease the pain before leaning back. “ugh. kneading the bread made it worse.”

with the frequent complaints coming from you, he couldn’t concentrate proof-reading his work. it made jaehyun unzip his coat, fishing something from inside and handed a box to you. bothered with how you hesitated to get it, he grabbed your wrists and placed it on your palms. “take it. it helps me a lot too whenever i cram.” did he just.. smile? it was subtle but you were sure he did.

a swarm of guilt started to form at the pit of your stomach. it wasn’t that you thought he partially blamed himself for the fall at the barn house, but because he actually cared when the fall wasn’t even the ultimate reason why your shoulder suffered in the first place. he had no knowledge and still doesn’t. and it was kind of frustrating to think you couldn’t begin that topic.

your heart now was experiencing somersaults. you asked yourself: why? sure he’s handsome and got built, but at this moment why are you all flimsy and speechless? “so you do have a heart for people.” you opened the box of the patch’s packaging.

“i was expecting a ‘thank you’ but i guess with that you’re taking back your words.” he grinned as he typed on.

you snorted as you put your legs up. “hmpf, aren’t you assumi- ow.” you touched your forehead where the pain stung.

“shut up, i’m reading.” jaehyun stressed in a low voice.

“reading what?” you scooted in closer, and jaehyun surprisingly let you see what it was rather than snapping at you. you squinted at the screen and nodded. “equine studies..” you read out softly, that seemed to be a report he worked on in his early years. “isn’t it mandatory for you to study it?”

jaehyun’s scrutinizing gaze caught you off guard, making you clamp your lips to keep quiet. he sighed and continued to read as if you didn’t exist. “i thought you weren’t interested in my field of study.” his brows drew together at your curiosity despite remembering how you did say it clearly.

quickly you tear the patch’s plastic to break the awkward silence you brought upon and let out a soft chuckle of shame. “i’m asking because it’s equine related and i wanna learn. plus i’m too tired to pick up a fight with you so teach me everything you know.”

“i don’t even know if you’d get it in one night- fine. it’s mandatory but i only learnt the basics. i’m not specialising in it or anything so don’t expect much.” jaehyun stared at the screen yet feeling your presence so close kind of pressured him, and he didn’t know why.

“basics like checking the heart, respiratory rate, temperature and hydration status?” you hugged your legs together after placing the patch behind you. “hm.. that’s kinda simple.”

jaehyun clicked his tongue. “that’s the general checking for an animal’s condition, used for emergency access and such. we were given an understanding of veterinary anatomy—”

“which includes learning principles in developmental anatomy in gross, microscopical and ultrastructural levels. learn all these then you can focus on organs to give a physical and radiological diagnosis with the physiology and anatomy as bases—” you finished his sentence, soon shutting up as you got carried away.

his mouth agaped in shock and in strangeness of your interest. he checked your forehead to see if you were in the right mind. “did you read it out from a book or something? and what’s up with you and scientific terminology? you’re supposed to be hating on big words.”

you wondered why his comment hurt you. did he assume you were uneducated? at this point you thought deeply that secrets were meant to be kept. and they were only to be revealed by two ways; one was heard by others, and two was at your will.

“why are you so quiet now?” he laughed, scrolling down at endless of documented pages. “are you experiencing brain fart after that long sentence of sophisticated vocabulary?”

this was far from assumption. this was plain mockery. and it hurt. you hit him on the arm a little more violent and forceful than the usual, and bite back your lips. “it’s not because i’m dumb. i know these because i’ve been there.” you stood up and grabbed the box he gave you. “thanks for this anyway. good night.”

“hey you don’t have to hit me!” jaehyun paused for a second, he had difficulties processing your sudden outburst. he mumbled to himself, “why is she offended when i’m the one who got hit..”

mark happily came out of the kitchen with a freshly baked bread in his hands. “y/n! i’m done with the bread and it smells soooo good- jaehyun, where is she?” the younger one put down the tray.

he sighed and gestured confusingly. “i don’t know she probably went to sleep.”

“man i wanted her to try it.”

“she can try tomorrow. anyway i’m gonna take a shower.” jaehyun turned off his laptop and headed straight to the bathroom.

but before he could have his relaxation, hendery stood against the opposing wall with arms crossed. “can we talk?” he tilted his head, asking to sit at the veranda with him.

they sat at the table set with hendery pouring cups of hot tea. jaehyun took it in his hands, eyes meeting your childhood friend’s as he brushed his hair up. “i kind of wanna tell you something. it’s not my position but i feel like you deserve to know.” that made jaehyun’s mind questioning more. “i overheard you and y/n talking.”

jaehyun frowned at the very recent event, something he found rude from your action. “yeah? she reacted so much and hit me just because i teased her a little. might’ve taken it too seriously but she should know i was joking about her not knowing-”

hendery looked at the dusk distance. “m’lady loves animals more than anything, and for a long time veterinary science is something close to her heart too.”

jaehyun gulped in full on revelation. that was why you reacted. he realised the reason why you hated him in the first place wasn’t only because he was the one you were to marry, but because he was the person who was currently studying the course you’ve always wanted to take.

“she was supposed to take it in college but due to unfortunate circumstances she couldn’t continue. there’s family issue and she had an accident-”

what accident? jaehyun for the first time in other’s eyes, showed worry and curiosity. and his raise in brows cause hendery to realise he missed out an important detail.

“ah you haven’t met mr. y/l/n yet, right?” hendery asked as he sipped on his tea. “he’s busy right now because he’s always out of town but he’s the one y/n’s having issues with.”

“i’m guessing her father opposed to the idea of her becoming a vet?”

hendery shook his head. “he didn’t oppose. in fact he allowed y/n once we graduated high school. she got enrolled to the first semester and was doing well until she had little time to no practice for her semi-finals at cross country at all. mr. y/l/n is a horse riding coach so he’s especially strict with y/n. let’s say their arguments started from there.”

though he didn’t ask parts of your personal life, hearing all these news stunned jaehyun. there was only one thing he wanted to ask: what caused your accident? “how did she do with vet science?”

“she managed and had no fails.” hendery had a brief proud smile. “sadly mr. y/l/n didn’t find it impressive, because he really thought his daughter would be an equestrian like him. y/n hoped he’d be understanding but yeah anyway, you get the gist from there.”

“if it ever crosses her mind, we’ll see if she does. i’ll head inside for a shower. thanks for letting me know.” jaehyun had his palms on the knob, turning around one last time to confirm something. “was the accident, bad?”

“not as life threatening, but it was enough to traumatise her.” hendery picked up the plates and cups. “she.. still hasn’t recovered.”

he stared back at the young lad’s expression, and he could tell hendery has been looking after you ever since. maybe it was better if he hadn’t asked.

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you still shook your legs after hendery warned you of your decency and image, saying that that action was his pet peeve. but really, it was just an excuse to save himself from you due to the fact he said that shaking legs while thinking wasn’t ladylike at all. you couldn’t keep yourself in one place, pacing back and forth in the barn with marg eyeing you since it already been long you did so. “sis.” she cleared her throat and you stopped being jittery with biting your fingers. “what’s up with you?”

“nothing.” you lied, an uneasy feeling began to build up in your chest as the man you despise gently held the horses’ manes. “i’m fine, just thinking.”

jaehyun did the final checks for your horses’ health conditions and to be brutally honest not only did you find him surprisingly quiet, he was rather kind and collected for four days now. he even taught you some veterinary related topics in which you were surprised he was willing to teach. maybe he took your subtle request when you wanted to learn anything he knew about equine medicine. perhaps he wanted a break from all negativity when it came to you. in fact he did mention he couldn’t continue arguing anymore.

and in those four days it got you thinking about the pact. you had a week left and you weren’t sure if you convinced your family or jaehyun’s friends enough to call off the marriage. yes you’ve been at each other’s nerves for small arguments and there were times you forget about it too because the way you both fought was so natural. however today was just too quiet, like he was stopping the fights on purpose and for what reason exactly?

marg slid next to you when you went out for fresh air, nudging you by the waist with hers. “obvious again.”

“w-what?” you widened your eyes, earning a sly grin from your sister. “obvious about what?”

“your heart is on your sleeves. i can see it. the others might do too. so tell me, do you like jaehyun?” she crossed her arms, her grin widening when you began to be jittery again.

“ha?! no!” you stuttered and lied, and you knew marg’s claims hit the nail.

because not only did the past four days of not talking with jaehyun had a toll on your pact, but it definitely had on your heart. there were a total of four things you discovered about him.

1. jaehyun was a fast learner. he learned to clean horse hooves, saddle them and even did carpentry in one day.

2. he had humour but no one really acknowledged it, and appeared a little dorky to you.

3. his dimples were actually cute and has a vampire smile.

4. he really did have a heart for people too. you saw how he helped out your family whenever you were absent.

sometimes these traits softened you, and sometimes you wanted to at least be his friend. but you weren’t close to being one because the pact clearly prevents you to and in the end, it was better off that way. marg held your shoulder. “i know you fight a lot but that’s when the developing starts.” she paused, looking back at the barn. “jaehyun seems alright but you’re really being too obvious.”

“again, obvious about what? i hate it when you’re so vague stating your point.”

“if you wanna talk with him just do it.” she turned around a little to see the said man removing his gloves. “i noticed you’re both distant. it’s been four days so i’m guessing you’re not used to not fighting him. you tend to miss whatever you both stopped doing.”

you pinched her cheek. “do you even know how mentally draining it is to reason out with him?” you darted a gaze at her before a weight was put upon your head. it wasn’t that long for you to realise it was jaehyun. gosh how irritating. you even recognised the perfume he wore.

“i know exactly how that feels, marg.” jaehyun winked at her. “can’t mess with this one,” he messed your hairdo. “she’s feistier than most animals i’ve encountered.”

his giggle of pride echoed in your ears and you thought you were able to tolerate his reply but no. whether he was doing his part for the pact or not, whether he was enjoying this or not, he became more of a jerk the longer he stayed here.

“i’ll leave you two to talk. the light in y/n’s eyes changed when you arrived- ah!” she held her arm as you pushed her aside, and she was proudly walking away with what she had done.

jaehyun shoved his hands in pockets as he gestured you to follow him into the barn. it was only the two of you now while the rest surveyed other parts of the land with hendery. he held jet’s reins, usually your horse would react whenever strangers would. not to jaehyun, shockingly. you bit your lips in wonders what this man had in his mind.

“i just checked him like you taught me. he’s dehydrated.” he pinched a part of its skin close to the mane. “you practiced this morning right? didn’t give him water?”

“i gave him enough.” you unlocked the gate to jet, soon petting him. you couldn’t help but feel immense awkwardness. “did his skin snap back?”

“not as fast as i expected but he needs a little more fluids to keep the levels normal.” jaehyun wrote down numbers before handing your notebook to you, and you thought today was going to pass again without progress for the pact. “i’m gonna walk around for a bit. later.”

“hey.” you called out perhaps a little too rudely and instead of talking things through. he stopped in his tracks. “setting the vet thing aside, aren’t you being too quiet right when we have a week left? it’s been four days and by now some of them might notice the sudden silence. did you forget about the pact?” you asked, not knowing why you were fuming all of a sudden.

maybe it was because he was only staring at you. or that marg’s obversation was slowly getting to you and convincing that her hunch about you was right. “you’re a jerk when i met you but you’re even more so nowadays.”

jaehyun turned around with pursed lips, he didn’t like how you always assumed, especially giving him nicknames in which his friends also have gotten used to calling him those. “me? a jerk? i’m doing all i can to stop this marriage because we both know how it feels to be controlled.”

his answer only made you laugh. “ha you don’t know anything about me, jaehyun. if you’re actually doing something why haven’t you done anything then? you’re being careless-”

he brushed his hair & wore his cap backwards. “it’s not about if i’ve done something! y/n it’s about what you did!” jaehyun pulled you to a corner in caution if anyone heard him. “you were loud and careless! last week johnny asked me if we made a pact because he heard you mentioning it! i assure you he has a mind i still couldn’t understand and he’s probably trying to connect the dots now-”

“wai- you’re saying he knows about it and you’re only telling me now?!” you slammed jet’s gate, your eyes fixed him. “you could’ve told me right then and we could’ve solved this as soon as possible! how much do you think he knows?”

jaehyun slowly rubbed his face, shook his head and shrugged shoulders. “i don’t know! but you know what happens when he figures out we’re arguing for show? he’ll tell everyone we did that because we’re against this marriage! and in the end? we’ll be stuck with each other for life-”

“ugh don’t even tell me about it i couldn’t even stand the sight of you!” you wrapped yourself more in your coat, stomping straight outside and ignoring his reactions towards you.

“why are you like this when it’s clearly your fault?!” he quickly grabbed your shoulders to forcibly turn you around. “i’m telling you and you’re so reactive about it?”

you pointed at his chest. “no! it’s your fault for not telling me sooner!”

“oh so now it’s my fault? y/n look at yourself! can’t you see that someone impudent like you can cause troubles even for a slightest bit! you’re at fault!”

impudent?.. this was all too familiar and nostalgic.

jaehyun then closed his eyes at the stinging pain in the groin. “ugh what the hel-”

“you deserve that-”

right when that felt good and you wanted to hit him more, you were yanked backwards by a force. you fought back the arms restraining you. “y/n stop!”

“let me go wong kunhang! this jerk needs a lesson!” you growled in his arms, shimmying your body through them.

hendery reminded you of your shoulder and soon you stopped. “i’m sure that kick was enough for a lesson and calm down, will you?”

“jae you alright?” johnny helped him up. “hope it’s not too injured because you still need that for reproduction-”

“seriously? now’s not the time.” jaehyun glared at him then to you, you were now like deer in the headlights with his stare. “this is why i can’t stand you.”

mark, hendery and johnny looked at each other trying to figure what had happened. “what were you two arguing about?” hearing hendery ask, you tugged on your coat once he let go of you. “we heard her yelling that she couldn’t stand the sight of you and then you’re both blaming each other.”

you hesitatingly looked down to your boots, avoiding their curious gazes. fidgety as you knew you were, you tried not to respond. they heard from that far of our conversation.. oh my go-

as if jaehyun could read your mind, he cleared his throat. “it’s nothing. y/n’s just stubborn as usual. she doesn’t want to admit her fault when i told her jet’s dehydrated. guess she didn’t want to look irresponsible.”

“classic y/n.” your cheeks suffered from hendery’s squeezing palms. “how many times do i have to tell you to behave? c’mon you’re better than this.”

jaehyun sighed in relief that they were convinced with his reasoning.

jet’s snout poked your arm and exhaled, you cursed under your breath for not locking the gate. “then you should know why i’m like this.” you reiterated with a flat smile. “i’m gonna go to the bar for a drink. don’t bother me.”

“oh then we’re coming with! mark! you’re driving!” johnny pulled the boys into jaehyun’s car. “this hurt dude needs cheering up after you nearly ended his career for having kids.”

“maybe it’s better off that way?” you grinned with a tattling tone.

“i hate you so-” jaehyun barked before his voice was shut off by the car door. his expression became funnier with how the vehicle muted his voice.

jet and cash trotted slowly to let the car go first, hendery rode ahead of you as you followed him. beside the roadside was fields of green, laying flat with new flowers that have yet to bloom. by now the horses were galloping alongside the car, you could feel jaehyun shooting daggers at you. the joy to horse ride diminished when you took a glimpse of him pointing at you, sliding his clenched fist from left to right and pointing at his chest.

you’re dead to me. he spoke with his eyes. and you could hear his annoying voice in your head.

you flicked the reins to ride faster, passing hendery and cash. reaching the bar first would make you feel better and it would at least let the neighbourhood know you weren’t hanging out with boys like him. you soon unmounted yourself from jet and led him to an area where he could stay.

the bell chimed and you raised your hand for a simple mocktail. funny how you told the boys you’d be here for a drink yet didn’t plan to get drunk. you sat by the bartender’s while you saw them entering and sat at one table by the window. honestly you could’ve went elsewhere instead but this bar was the closest from home. and right now you really needed to clear your mind.

to clear your mind from jaehyun because you knew he’d be the death of you.

—

and how you ended up on the same table with them was too hazy for you to recall.

“i was like, singing my heart out at one karaoke place after i was rejected from the coffee shop i applied to. then the girl of my dreams had appear while i was all sweaty and sloppy and i was shirtless! it was really-” johnny spoke too fast for you to hear and curled his fingers remembering it.

“second hand embarrassment was too much at that point.” jaehyun chuckled and sipped on his glass.

“but john, you got her to say yes even though you’re high and wild.” mark raised his palm for a fistbump.

mark turned to you. “y/n what’s something you couldn’t forget?”

you smiled slyly towards your childhood friend and hendery’s panicked face resurfaced with begging hands. you feel yourself going tipsy but went for storytelling anyway. “this previous halloween i forced hendery to dress as rapunzel because i wanted to dress as pascal.”

mark let out a contagious laugh which had everyone giggling too. you brought out your cracked screen phone which jaehyun broke and showed a picture of you on a piggyback ride with hendery. the said man cowered himself from the compliments and while you continue to keep him in the spotlight. jaehyun found it unbelievable that you were quickly switched from cranky to giggly when drunk.

“here’s the awesome part,” you slurred your words with hiccuped breaths. “around nine guys asked me to ask for his number and i gave it to them! he was that hot! i could never compete!”

jaehyun oddly cackled out loud and you all turned heads to him. “of course you could never! i mean look at you!”

his friends raised brows as jaehyun was enjoying this a little too much. perhaps taking advantage of your drunken self. “you dress weird and your hair’s a mess. you’re always rude and sometimes smelling like a horse. by the way that’s such a turn off to guys like us. like do you even bathe-”

you were definitely tipsy but you understood his words clear enough to feel a wave of emotions blanket over you. forgotten memories began play in your head and began to sulk.

“yeah i know i’m like this and so what if i’m plain and ordinary?” you whined and the boys held their breaths.

“my parents think i couldn’t take care of myself after i dislocated my shoulder at cross-country.” jaehyun heard you.

“because of that they started to pair me with accomplished men they think could give me a better life. so i misbehave every time they bring a suitor over.” you propped elbows on the table and glared at jaehyun. “you’re the fifth and before you arrived i lied to mom and dad that i recovered, hoping they’d stop and leave me alone but nope! they think you’re the one-”

hendery managed to catch your collapsed body from falling. he let out a soft laugh. “mhm, she spills a little too much when she’s drunk-”

you covered his lips and did several clicks of your tongue. “i’m tipsy! not drunk but tipsy! are you spilling tea about my life to that jerk?”

he scoffed lightly. “of course not! i didn’t tell him anything.” he lied.

you pinched his cheek. “i doubt it. you’re a talkative donkey! they should cast you to be part of shrek musical next fall!” you giggled and tried to keep yourself awake from all that drowsiness. your eyes dropping to slumber.

“m’lady.” he fixed you on his side and you were now carried on his back. “jaehyun doesn’t know a thing.” he cooed, giving jaehyun a wink to zip his mouth shut regarding the topic.

small sobs began to bubble out from you, you clung onto hendery. “ah jaehyun? you know that jerk called me impudent? he said i always cause troubles but what choice to i have? i don’t want to be betrothed!” you wailed and mark and johnny raised brows at jaehyun as soon as you said it. “hendery he called me impudent! he’s just like dad and i hate them both!” you leaned on his shoulders.

“but do you really hate jaehyun?” johnny smirked as he enjoyed how open you were compared to being sober. jaehyun noticed where this was going and tried to stop him but the tall lad shushed him when you spoke.

“yes!” you slurred with a lopsided smile and narrow brows, which looked strange as they couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad thing.

“i hate him because he’s so prideful! ‘jeong jaehyun, veterinary medicine student’ my butt. i should’ve been one too but daddy said no.” you pout, soon knocking out. “i hate how.. handsome that jerk looks-”

your friend hopped slightly and quickly got out of the bar so you wouldn’t cause a scene any further. “i’ll bring her to my place, it’s just a block from here. you guys can go ahead.” he told the guys to call it a night. “i’ll take jet and cash to my stables at home. see y’all tomorrow.”

they got on the car and started the engine. jaehyun read the atmosphere among them, he fixed the front mirror and saw mark and johnny with questioning looks. “what?”

“did you really call y/n impudent?” mark played with the buttons of the window.

jaehyun stepped on the pedal to head to your place. his friends bombarded him with what if’s and was too tired to respond. but just to shut them up, he replied.

“i was angry when i said that. i didn’t really mean-”

“do you think she meant it when she said you’re handsome?” johnny asked to cut off the weird vibe lingering while mark propped his fists to rest.

“she’s drunk. not like she can remember it anyway.” jaehyun clenched on the wheel.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you woke up in hendery’s bed with a tray of breakfast on his desk table. you slid it towards yourself to eat when a folded paper fell from underneath.

i saw jaehyun at the grocery store earlier, he asked me to pass this breakfast to you. also! he said he’ll be at the barn’s loft. now go meet him. ~hendery

great, he pissed you off yesterday and he was the last person you wanted to see today. what was his plan now? he prepared breakfast and yet what was the use of eating the meal when it has gone cold? you tied your hair to a top bun and wore your glasses, quickly grabbing your coat, onto to jet’s back and went to the barn.

the sun’s heat was enough to make you warm on the way there. jaehyun swung his legs while he waited. he stared at the ground when a shadow appeared, you stood at the entrance asking him to come down.

he did that, but there was a different air around him. it was the same air as those four days of silence between the two of you. “at least you’re not late.” he slid his palms into his back pockets.

“did you want to talk to me about something?” you asked with a slice of bread in your mouth. he nodded with intense eyes. “then make it quick. i have to make my rounds-”

“i’ll go with you.” jaehyun suggested and you choked on your bread.

“what?” you gulped on the huge piece stuck in your throat and stopped him from walking. “why not tell me now?”

he pulled you to jet’s stall and pushed your back to mount on the saddle. “‘cause it’s better if they don’t see us talking normally when we’re supposed to be at each other’s throats.”

he’s definitely up to something..

jaehyun rode a bike, leading you and jet through woods and up on a hill where its summit towers part of your family’s lands. from here you could see your house and tiny figures you assumed were his friends. you haven’t gotten a clue why jaehyun was being nice again. and if he was, why today? why bring you all the way here to have this conversation? you couldn’t think of anything at all and maybe you should’ve eaten the meal he prepared for you.

when the winds blew, jaehyun spoke in a soft voice. he was awkward, you could tell that, but what he did was something you didn’t expect. he leaned back with his palms on the grass. “i’m sorry i called you names.”

hm.. you better be.

that apology alone pierced your heart, in a good way. if he was tired from all the negativity and endless banters, so were you. it had been fifteen days after all. maybe this was a cool break before continuing with the pact. “which ones?” you copied his position and counted your fingers one by one. “there’s ugly.. shorty.. lazy ass.. a no brainer-”

“i didn’t call you tha-” he paused, his lips forming an ‘o’ until he pursed them together seeing you mimic him on his laptop. “right. i implied it when you wanted me to teach you equine studies. anyway the bottom point is, i’m sorry for calling you impudent.”

you chuckled, but to him it sounded more of a scoff. “haven’t heard that in ages. never expected i’d hear that again.” you looked at him, he did too, there was a stare down before you spoke again.

“but yeah. i guessed you did that to fulfill your part for the pact. the guys were probably nearby and you thought of that to spark up the conversation. are we done?”

jaehyun rested his arm on his knees. “no that’s not what i meant- i’m being sincere here.”

“okay? then tell me what’s on your mind. you brought me up here. it’s gotta be something worth my time.”

“i feel like the pact just brings the worse out. and whenever it does, i don’t feel myself anymore. like this is not me.”

he picked up a dandelion, letting the wind take its soft pieces. he wished his feelings weren’t easily swayed like the flower’s petals. he knew he was easily hotheaded, stubborn and mr. perfect, but should he always be like these?

“then who is the real you?” you caught some flying pieces of the flower before looking back at him for answers.

“a studious douche who got his heart broken by his ex.” he shrugged and waited for your bicker, but you sat there with shocked eyes and struggled to find what to say. “yeah, in case you’re still surprised, i do have a heart for people.”

“i heard you.” you flicked his temple.

he held back fists from hitting back. “hey why’d you hit me?”

“it’s my way of being affectionate.” you laid on the grass and while he copied, you thought that jaehyun had a point, how the pact seemed a good approach yet with deteriorating results.

“by being violent?” jaehyun moaned as he asked. “ever thought that a pat in the back would be better?”

you glared at him. “let’s continue what we’re doing with another condition.. no personal or evil intentions whatsoever, or maybe a slight hint that we’d start dissing. we’re doing this for ourselves and..” you cleared your throat. “..helping out a friend.”

it made total sense, because he knew how much of an effect it did when the purpose of the pact was done unconsciously and naturally. he let out a tight and breathless sigh between his lips. “i’m your friend? after calling you all that?”

“i just needed something to describe you. would calling you a douche make you feel better after you apologised?” you stood up and headed downhill.

“well you did call me ‘handsome��� last night.” jaehyun singsonged and carefully walked down the stoned steps.

you froze at how stupid and blabbermouth you could be whenever you went to the bar. “i don’t remember, since i’ve been studying the things you taught me.”

“you can ask the others if you think i’m lying.”

“y’know what? i take back the condition i said.” you quickly hopped on jet to head back. “don’t bother me!”

“what do you mean studying? you’re planning to pursue vet sci? hey!”

“yeah.” you made jet walk in circles around the confused man, and your one-word response had jaehyun confirming you already decided to tell your father about it.

and it’d be on christmas eve too.

—

for almost half an hour marg couldn’t contain her feelings after you told her what had happened. marg squealed and you quickly covered her mouth since the door wasn’t entirely closed. she squeezed the pillow and hid herself behind it.

“he apologised?! such a gentleman! i mean mark didn’t really tell me the details but jaehyun really felt guilty?” she put the pillow down and crawled next to you on your bed.

as to why she reacted this way remained unclear to you, you figured it was probably she watched too many rom-coms with johnny in the past few days. “i admit, it was considerate of him to do that. but it doesn’t prove he’s already a good man.” you fixed your files and past researches of veterinary science. “sometimes an apology isn’t enough.”

your sister nudged you in a force causing you to stumble in your stance. “ey you’re too mean. him apologising is already enough of a sign that he’s a good one, and raised well.”

“i don’t know marg.” you slumped on your bed. “my head’s hurting because of him.”

she raised a brow and gave you a teasing look. “by thinking of him or he just couldn’t get out of your head?” she kicked her feet to escape your balling fists.

“why are you reacting if it’s not true?!” her giggles grew in volume as she brought out her phone record your reaction.

“get out of my room!”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

jaehyun walked around the mart in response to yet another order from you. it had to be a day before christmas eve too. he should be feeling the very essence of christmas and because of you, he didn’t. people who happened to pass by him swore they saw a walking corpse, while some sensed a spreading dark cloud hovering above him.

his demeanour quickly shifting and changing as if the clouds blocked his rays of sunshine. he was mumbling to himself and those who stood close by took careful small steps away from jaehyun, for he sounded like he was enchanting a spell.

he thought about it a lot— whether it there’d be a difference between the two of you if you hadn’t taken back that condition. because now that he was controlled like a pawn again, he wasn’t going to back down or lose to you. at least for the past few days since then he saw an improvement. you weren’t as violent, not a single word of hate from you nor were they intentional. it was obvious you were helping out. a small smile managed its way to resurface until he saw a reflection of himself looking like an idiot. jaehyun, you’re a fool. you shouldn’t be feeling this.

ignoring his subconscious, he turned a heel at the next grocery aisle when a voice attracted attention, at least to him it sounded like hendery. hearing your name from an unfamiliar man’s lips had him peeking secretly at a distance. “i suppose y/n’s behaving well with jaehyun?”

“better than everyone expected.” hendery followed him with hands deep in pockets. “aside their petty arguments, she gets along with him, mr. y/l/n.”

“that’s good to hear. i knew the jeong’s would never fail my expectations. their son is in vet school, yes?”

the mentioned name chilled him to the bone. he wasn’t to supposed to be feeling in this manner yet the very presence of your father already had gotten his shoes glued to the ground. hendery nodded and continued to walk along with him. “i hope he doesn’t encourage her about it too much. having y/n marry him would keep her quiet about ever continuing vet school.”

jaehyun’s back grazed the products he lightly leaning upon and stood still in his thoughts. he wasn’t the type to eavesdrop on others, let alone your family issues. although he was briefly told about your rocky relationship with your father and couldn’t hear much of the conversation, he shouldn’t care or meddle with it but.. did mr. y/l/n really think that?

and he remembered how you told him you’d pursue veterinary.

he fished for his phone with certainty that he would tell you what he had heard. he nearly dropped his phone when it rang and your name appeared as the caller. staring at it for a while, never in his life had he ever hesitated before— given that he was a straight forward person, he wanted to tell you.

and he didn’t know why he decided to keep his mouth shut and stayed behind, instead of doing the opposite. hendery noticed him beside the hundreds of chocolate chip buckets. “oh jaehyun!” he greeted, making your father turn his head around. “come here!”

jaehyun pressed his lips for being caught, steadily and unwilling to go them. he wished that now would be the appropriate time to be walking on super glue, he really didn’t have the mood to talk to your father. it wasn’t the right time as their conversation about you would probably escalate from there.

“hello mr. y/l/n, i’m-” he greeted, unknowingly staring at him longer because you were his carbon-copy.

“i know you’re jaehyun and i’ve been updated enough that i wouldn’t have to be physically at my residence to know your good qualities.”

“glad to know someone’s giving you the correct information.” jaehyun smiled, subtly gazing straight at hendery with more pressure on the tone of the name. hendery then clamped his lips to a close, regretting he should’ve minded his words carefully.

mr. y/l/n nodded with a chuckle— even hendery rarely saw him doing so, ever. and this only proved that there wouldn’t be a better groom fit for you other than the son of his childhood friends. “i like your personality. mind joining me for tea?”

jaehyun read the situation, and what your father was up to. he had to listen for another half hour even though he felt his phone continually vibrating then stopping. he knew it was you, but how could he answer when the person you grew to hate was with him at this moment? one word from him through a phone call would make you go berserk.

anyone could see that jaehyun was fighting a mental dilemma. for anyone it would be an easy question to answer; free food, you’re in. his future father-in-law asked for company, sure why not. jaehyun felt like he only one answer, and it had to be a correct one. he gulped and though he eyes wavered, he agreed anyway. “i don’t mind, but y/n would probably be moody if i don’t return immediately.”

“mhm, no worries. i won’t keep you long.” mr. y/l/n said, and jaehyun didn’t know why he had a small heart attack on what possibly could follow.

he lead him to a restaurant, hendery nudged the troubled-looking dimpled man. “sorry dude. he likes snacking on things but i’ll try to divert his attention so you can go to y/n asap.”

—

the relieved sigh didn’t last long when looked up from the ground. jaehyun spotted you crossing arms with a slight worrisome look. your fingers then pointed at the kitchen window and it looked like his soul left his body and his footsteps on the ankle-high snow. the curtains indoors brushed to one side with his parents facing back from the windowsill at the upper balcony.

his heart was beating his chest as if it wanted to go out. he planned to tell you what he and your father talked about, but in that previous hour he missed out your text messages and calls— not knowing they were that important. now he knew why they were.

you took his phone and clicked on the lock button, he didn’t check your means to reaching him. they were still in the lockscreen. “i know you’re a seenzoner but you shouldn’t ignore important calls! i was calling you an hour ago because your parents came so suddenly. did you know about their change of plans?”

he gave you other paper bag and made his way inside. “no they were supposed to arrive tomorrow.” to you jaehyun seemed grumpy for doing groceries, but it was obviously not the case when kept looking elsewhere. he bit his inner gums in question as to why he was venting out his irritation at you instead of the revelation that was told to him.

you followed him in and began bring out the items to set the remaining food on the kitchen island. something told you not to go overboard with the planned argument you had in mind, but you couldn’t handle the way he was acting now, as well as giving you the sudden silent treatment. behaving this way was such a wrong timing and you decided to cut the silence before it made you feel worse than you already were. “you good?”

“y-yeah.” he tilted down to take a quick look at you while realising lately how you hadn’t been sleeping well. the puffiness under your eyes was proof. he cleared his throat. “uh, i should be asking you but have you been studying.. lately? or have you been staying up all night?” he asked, changing the subject.

he twitched at your outburst excitement with your palms rested on his arm, shaking it vigorously. now that he reminded you, you gestured him for a whisper. “i found another way to stop this marriage without us hurting each other.”

what? his eyes grew big.

“aren’t you hurting me now?” he cleared his throat, referring to the reddening spot on his skin from your grip. he knew what you meant. he knew you’ve been sitting in your bed the whole day, reading e-books and going over past lectures documents.

“if i tell my dad that i’m pursuing vet school again, i think this time he’d let me. i’m confident because i do have a degree in equestrian sport science. imagine the benefit if have a degree in veterinary?” you opened a carton of milk to drink. “i wonder if my credits’ still applicable?”

“you sure you wanna do that?” jaehyun held the top your head, gripping it as if it were a basketball. “it’s gonna take you years to finish.”

“scared to have a competitor in the field, jaehyun?” your voice challenged him.

he wasn’t scared at all, he loved competitions as well as proving he could do things. but, he was scared for you. he knew the outcome of all this because it was already planned out. he was told by your father during tea break before he arrived here.

chills slowly went down your spine with that one, subtle, short silence from him.

“i’m not scared. it’s just that..” you shot up your head at his remark. he trailed off and shut his lips seeing your parents enter the living room with his beloveds.

“just what?” you stared at him with a long hum.

he had to lie and keep his opinions to himself. “are you able to take on hard words in that tiny brain of yours?” jaehyun scoffed, leaning in closer to provoke an argument with his hands patting your head.

“hey! you’re insulting my height, not my brain!” he heard your innocent whines as if they were precious— too precious that he wanted to protect you than to fight you; just for tonight.

and for the first time he was laughing sincerely at you.

week three had you imagining things, that he would look at you so differently. instead of horns they’d be halos, softer looks than tensed ones, and most of all you wonder what changed him within a day. it was confusing that he would show another side of him, then go back to what he was when you first met him.

but tonight? his possibility of change soon went void.

during dinner, whether or not it was right, that choice you made became one of the two things you regret to do and say. your father said his ultimatum in a low voice by the hallway, isolated from everyone enjoying the celebration.

“dad, please. i’ve done what you want. i think it’s time you’d allow me to do what i want.” you kept your head low in all hope this would be your final time to ask. “i’m successful as an equestrian, i hope to be more so as a veterinarian. please let me continue. i don’t want to get married yet-”

“still holding onto it, y/n?” he scoffed and took quick glances at his surroundings. “i’ve done everything for you to be known, raised you to be the best rider out there-”

and he too, held with the same stupid reason. “no dad! i raised myself to be the best because heavens knows how much damage it’ll cost me if i failed you-”

“this is the last time i saying it, you’re never going to be one.”

“but dad! you know how badly i want to be a vet-” you whined and hoping you wouldn’t cry because you promised yourself you wouldn’t.

“y/n you’re marrying jaehyun solely for that reason!” he whisper-yelled, making your heart squeeze tight because you could see how your complaints have pissed him off. “he seemed to be agreeing with me after i invited him for tea.” he fixed his hair.

w-what did he just say?..

he loosened the top button of his shirt; his gaze still scared you like it did that night. he held his temples to reason out with you. “discipline yourself tonight. i do not want hear anything from you about this matter ever again.” the impact of his tone shattered you. not only your mood but with how you perceived jaehyun as a whole.

you couldn’t remember much afterwards, anger roamed around your head and as much you kept your composure, jaehyun has a sharp eye. you’ve been quiet since coming from the hallway, hours have passed too since your father called you upstairs.

“are you alright?” jaehyun leaned on the refrigerator while you took some fruits from it. figured that you were completely ignoring him, he grabbed your favourite sweater to snap you out of your clouded feelings. “are we doing the pact now?”

it was getting suffocating being next to him. the audacity of what he did disgusted you. “hey tell me-”

you shut the fridge’s door with much force, held your breath and went to the sink to wash them. “i’m not doing it. and what’s there to tell you? just because i opened up to you that doesn’t mean we’re already close.” you coldly answered with a irritated look.

jaehyun was abruptly taken back, his hand let go of your clothes. “why are you’re suddenly like this?”

you began washing the apples as well as peeling their skin. “you’re not born yesterday, jaehyun. this is my usual self.”

“no y/n, i’m not talking about-”

“what the hell is your deal?” jaehyun could hear you mumble even with the loud blasting of holiday playlists.

“i just want to know if we’re starting the argument,. it seems like you’re doing your part-”

“you knew all along, didn’t you?” the sound of peeling almost excruciating to your ears but nothing more than his reaction to your question. ‘that my dad would refuse my plead.”

painful as it was, his expression changed. he was colder than the snow outside, heartless as a predator and unresponsive like a dead man. he just stared at you straight, acknowledging it with soft wavers of his brown orbs.

and that alone was enough to break you to pieces.

[ad1thi]

henlo adi tis i with a request for some stevetony fics,,, angsty if you have 'em 💓

okay so this rec list is mainly classic stevetony fics, but i assure you - there’s angsty ones in there (ive marked the angsty ones with a 😞 so you can identify them quicker) just a general note that a lot of authors are going to repeat, because there are some authors that (imo) are stevetony staples (so if you see an author more than once - thats a sign that ALL of their stevetony is good and ive cherry picked the ones i love the most) (ive also marked those authors with a 🌟) 

//

in the light of limerence:  @shell-heads

It's the final game of the season, their biggest one yet, and there's only one question on everybody's mind: who the hell is Captain Steve Rogers' boyfriend, and why does Cap keep dodging questions about him?

"You gotta admit it's suspicious that only Bucky and Sam have met your boyfriend, dude," Clint points out as he shoves Pietro away with a smirk, pulling the uniform over his head and tugging it down. "We've known you, what-two years? We've never seen the guy even once."

"And your phone mysteriously only has pictures of Tony Stark," Johnny Storm adds as he joins the conversation, knocking knees with Thor when he sits down on one of the benches. "Tony Stark, who has at least ten fansites and personally assured me he's had a boyfriend for the past five years."

"I can't believe Cap is actually out here acting like Tony Stark's boyfriend," Luke says with a smirk, resting against a wall without a care.

"I can't believe you guys still think this is a joke," Sam throws back while tossing his other dirty sock at Luke, who dodges it smoothly.

In little more than ten minutes, the biggest question of Shield University is answered with much aplomb by none other than Tony Stark himself.

almeno tu nell'universo: @silkspectred 😞 🌟 (funfact: this is the fic that got me into stevetony) 

Tony drives off.

Well, he wants to.

But he can’t.

Because.

Steve Rogers is in front of his car.

Steve fucking Rogers. Is in front of Tony’s fucking car.

Rookie and Jailbait Take On The World: @theapplepielifestyle 🌟

“You really should be in school, you know.”

“Why would I be there when I could be here, solving crimes with my favourite rookie?” Tony flashes a grin, and Steve’s stomach twists like it did on the first day.

Teenager, Steve’s mind supplies. Definitely not legal, stop doing fluttery things, stomach.

Thumb, Index and Pinky Extended: @/Eudoxia 😞

Tony Stark is twenty-one when he loses his voice. It shouldn't matter, but in a world where the first words your Soulmate says to you are marked on your skin, it can be pretty damn annoying.

I (created from fantasies) exist solely for you: @mizzy2k

Six years ago, without the Avengers Initiative there to save the day, scientist Dr. Eric Selvig sacrificed himself to save the world, the almighty demi-god Thor was lost to a terrible storm, and vigilante Iron Man – spotted with a nuclear weapon trying to take advantage of the situation – was forever labelled an enemy of SHIELD.

This is a comic book office AU, where Steve is defrosted a year too late, Thor has forgotten who he is, and no one knows Tony is Iron Man.

Also includes: office pranks, inappropriate post-it notes, and superheroes who like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

Celestial Navigation: @sabrecmc

Celestial Navigation: 18 year old Omega!Tony finds himself Bonded to Captain Steve Rogers. He isn't happy about it until he is.

By request, here is CN in one place without other stories and artwork.

Ironsides: @copperbadge 🌟

Antonia Carter Stark takes no shit and no prisoners.

Paved With Good Intentions (I’m On The Road To Hell): @itsallavengers 😞 🌟

When the mysterious group of vigilante assassins known only as 'The Avengers' are tipped off about the dirty secrets that lie within Stark Industries, Steve Rogers has his heart set on taking out Tony Stark for good in order to protect the rest of the world from his evil. He's seen the footage, after all- Stark is a man who fights only for himself. And of course, when a job arises as chief bodyguard for Stark, to protect him from the growing threat of an ominously infatuated stalker, the opportunity is way too good for him to miss out on. It's the perfect placement, and the perfect way to find out whether or not their tipoff is genuine.

But as Steve falls into rank as the new bodyguard for Mr. Stark and he spends time getting to know and protect him, his initial hatred begins to falter and merge into something different, something far more terrifying than the prospect of killing the face of Stark Industries.

Steve Rogers may just be falling in love with him instead.

The Problem With Communication: @itsallavengers

Steve is terrible at flirting, but when he finally picks up the courage to talk to the adorable barista who makes his drinks, he finds himself hitting a small snag:

That being, Tony is deaf. He doesn't know what Steve is saying.

But never say Steve Rogers does not rise to a challenge.

Killing Me Softly (With His Song): @itsallavengers

Steve is Tony's whole world. Tony couldn't imagine life without him. They've grown up together, after all.

Steve gets cancer.

Open Field In Front of Him: orphan account

Steve Rogers's football season is functionally over after a loss to Rutgers, but he finds a distraction in Tony Stark (yes, THAT Tony Stark). A college AU Stony fic.

Good For You: @orbingarrow 😞

Steve doesn't understand why Tony dates people who abuse him. Tony doesn't understand why Steve cares.

The rest is bad choices, good choices, rehab, milkshakes, paintball, YouTube videos, couples therapy and learning to put the past in the past. Or: How Tony finds his happy ending.

COMPLETE 5/27/16 Edited to add art as last chapter on 6/23/16

Wrapped Up In Clover: @festiveferret

It's been seven years since Steve and Tony split up, and Steve's sure he'll never see Tony again. He's finally managed to put their failed relationship behind him and move on, focusing on his friends and building his business. But then his best friends, Bucky and Clint, decide to get married, and their wedding week at a cabin resort in Vermont turns into a minefield of heartbreak for Steve.

little green soldiers: @/nasa 🌟

“Rhodey,” Tony says. “I’m not stupid. He’s shipping out in three months. I’m not going to fall in love with him.”

Tony is a student at MIT; Steve is a soldier. They meet at a house party six months before Steve is set to deploy. This is their story.

flesh and bone: @/nasa 😞

“You or Rogers?” they ask, brandishing a knife or a gun or a flame.

“Me,” Tony says, over and over again. “Me, me, me,” always me.

Buried: @not-close-to-straight

When Howard Stark demands Tony work at a dig site in S.America one summer to "build character" and "learn about life", Tony is furious. But then he meets soldier/archeologist Steve and falls in love with blue eyes and a perfect smile. 

Just as they are ready to move forward together, Steve leaves abruptly with no explanation and breaks Tonys heart. Ten years later, Tony stumbles across the file for the old dig site. He's determined to visit and shut it down, but discovers that instead of a village, the dig has uncovered a temple and actually needs MORE money to stay open. A security team is hired to protect the staff and the artefacts they find, and Tony comes face to face with Steve Rogers all over again– except Steve is bearded and BIGGER and way more dangerous than he used to be...And Tony likes it.

When the camp is attacked, Steve jumps into action, snatching Tony and running into the jungle to escape and work their way towards safety. But long days and nights together bring back old feelings, and one day Steve takes a risk and asks Tony to give them another chance. Will Tony say yes? Or is his heart buried too far for the soldier-turned- archaeologist-turned-mercenary to find it?

don’t know why it took me so long to see: @3799steps 

“Oh, watch this,” Natasha says, propping her chin against her knuckles and turning a sweet gaze on him. “Tony, what’s it like dating a superhero?”

Tony bristles in irritation. “We’re not dating,” he snaps. “Captain America probably thinks he can get into anyone’s pants just ‘cause he’s got a mask, costume, and reputation, but not me, buddy. That shield? Gotta be overcompensating for something.” He adds, a bit petulantly, “Oh, and all that blue? Definitely more Steve’s color than his.”

- In which Tony is a genius in all matters except recognising his boyfriend past a mask

Heartlines: @nanasekei 🌟

“Let me,” Tony repeats. He regrets it deeply, so much, he wants to stick the words back into his mouth again, and it must show, in the way his voice wavers. He feels exposed, all of a sudden, as if he’s asking something bigger than what he can actually say. Let me touch you, let me take care of you. “Just… Let me do it.“

Feel Whole Again: @thepartyresponsible

Steve turns to leave. It’s easier to talk, somehow, when he’s not looking at him. “If you need anything,” he says, “I’m just a few floors down.”

“Might regret that, Cap,” Tony says to his retreating back. “I’ve been told I’m needy.”

Steve doesn’t know who the hell said that to Tony. It’s probably for the best that he doesn’t.

“It’s an honor,” he says, a little helpless, out of his depth and out of his time. “It’s an honor to be trusted with something like that, Tony.”

Attack Dog: @/salytierra

Steve doesn't swim in self-delusion. He knows that he is sick and that his owner is even worse. He is aware of it every time he rips some nameless guy’s throat out and feels the crunch of bones under his fingers. He is aware of it every time the rush of adrenaline at seeing life slip away from a stranger’s eyes hits him and gets him bothered and panting in ways that have nothing to do with physical exhaustion.

But it feels so good…

His owner’s approach is less personal. His shots fall clean and take out several foes at a time, his figure elegant and so graceful he looks like a god among savages. He is power incarnated, cold and burning like a sun at the same time… and Steve tries not to focus on him when they are fighting together, least his knees go weak and his technique falters. It’s fine though. They will go home afterwards and his owner will fuck him on the hard floor, with most of their gear still on and a vicious grip in his hair.

[carynsilver]

Favorite Fics: Darcy Edition

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. Things started going on that hurt my soul, and I just felt like, who cares about some fic recs when people are getting hurt? But… I don’t know. I still find solace and comfort in reading stories, even when things are hard—especially when things are hard. So, I finally felt like maybe it was time for another. If the fic writers out there are giving me escape, warm fuzzies, and enjoyment during these weird times, then they deserve some love directed back at them.

So far, I’ve listed my top 10 favorite Stucky, Drarry, and Stony fics. I love them all, but… that is a lot of dudes. I decided it was time for a little girl power in my fanfic recs. One of my favorite BAMF female characters is Darcy Lewis—one of the best and most under-rated, under-explored characters in the MCU.

I love Darcy as the every-girl who has the moxie and chutzpa to hold her own in a life full of superheroes. The girl tased the God of Thunder because he was freaking her out, for goodness sake! I love her being BFFs with Jane, being Thor’s lightening sister, and creating a found family. I love her living in the tower and caring for all the superheroes and science geniuses like they won’t care for themselves. There’s enough leeway in her backstory for fun twists, too, like being Jewish, or—one of my absolute faves—secretly being the daughter of Tony Stark.

There are a ton of good Darcy fics out there, but these are my top 10. Thank you, writers, for sharing these amazing stories with us!

Casa de Island Avengers by @inkbert

I clicked on this story because of WinterShock (Darcy/Bucky), which is a favorite ship of mine (I feel my love of Bucky has been previously discussed at length, lol), but it has become one of my favorite fics of all time. Not even just in the MCU—if I were listed my top five fanfics ever read, this one is on the list.

The concept is simple—post-Ultron, the Avengers started falling apart as a team, so Steve spearheads the effort to get them all on a two-week vacation to Tony’s private island in a last-ditch bonding effort. Every character (except Thor, but he does get some good screen time) has his or her own point of view for at least a chapter or two. Sometimes, this leads to characters sounding the same, but @inkbert really grounds each character in their own backstory and makes their inner monologues sound unique. Then, so many wacky hijinks ensue—camping, drinking, movie nights, girl bonding, sailing, pranks, and the most competitive game nights and challenges you’ve ever seen.

The ships included are Darcy/Bucky, Steve/Natasha, Pepper/Tony, and Clint/Wanda, but this story isn’t only about the ships. It’s about all these crazy characters bonding—found family at its finest. This is probably my favorite Darcy/Jane BFFs story ever, and the Bruce/Tony science bro connection is classic. The story is fully seated in cannon (up through Ultron and moving to the ccmpound), except no Clint/secret family and Pietro lives. Read it. Read it now! And if you enjoy it, there are several one-shots that follow, including a Wanda-centric one that shouldn’t be missed.

Best Supporting Soulmate by Valeris

I love a good soulmate fic, and this is an excellent one. The first thing your soulmate says to you is written on your skin, and there are both romantic and platonic soulmates. Darcy has Jane as a platonic soulmate, but it’s her other soulmate who made her life crazy before she even met them. What are you supposed to do when your soulmate’s first words to you are to let them die? 

The two primary ships in this fic are Wintershock and Stony, which work well together, but the story delves into a lot more relationships. I don’t love the whole amnesia trope in a Stucky fic because losing all that history and friendship hurts so much, but in a WinterShock fic, I have a real soft spot for Darcy being able to help post-HYDRA Bucky learn how to person again, and she does that in spades in this one. She also cultivates friendships with just about everyone in Avengers Tower and beyond. Darcy/Johnny Storm BFFs are amazing, and the deep friendship Darcy develops with Tony in this story gives me all the feels. This is a great version of BAMF Darcy who can see what the tortured characters need and is able to help them get there. And there is some interesting conflict with the Fantastic Four, as well.

This was one of the first, if not the first, WinterShock stories I ever read. I had been trying TaserHawk, but it wasn’t really my cuppa, and then somehow found this one and got hooked.

Road Trip of Champions by @leftennant

Natasha and Steve are going on a road trip. Steve wants Bucky to come with, but they feel like they need a fourth to make things even. Natasha bribes Darcy into coming with, and over the course of the trip, we get a lovely WinterShock romance. The road trip concept is fun, and Darcy and Bucky have a light enemies to friends to lovers vibe going on. Bucky is recovering, Darcy isn’t going to take anyone’s crap, and Natasha and Steve really just want a little private time along the way. And the bit at the end of the main story when they play paintball—classic and a scene that has stuck in my mind long after reading many other fics. The protective vibe Bucky has for Darcy after all this and how it even affects paintball is adorable. There are other one-shots in this ’verse as well that should not be missed. You might never think of lemons the same again.

Daybreak by @anogete

Anogete has a really good touch with snarky, caretaker Darcy. I love all her WinterShock stories, but this is the one that’s stuck with me the most. The concept of Darcy trying to help dismantle Bucky’s trigger words by creating new memories for each one was so compelling. The therapy aspect did give me pause (a personal thing; it is dealt with as respectfully as possible in the story), but it all works out in the end. The fact that I loved it so much despite a mild personal ping with the concept speaks to how well it’s written, honestly. :-) And, if this one isn’t to your taste, Anogete has plenty of great WinterShock to read, so definitely try one of them instead!

The Run ’Verse by themonkeycabal

Though it eventually becomes a WinterShock story, my favorite thing about this universe is the Tony-Stark-is-Darcy’s-father trope. This is probably my absolute favorite version of that relationship. There is also time travel, and BAMF Peggy Carter. And even though I don’t love the Darcy-becomes-a-Shield-agent thing as much as Darcy the Scientist Wrangler, this story has a great, cannon-compliant reason for why Tony, Clint, etc., weren’t able to come help Steve, Natasha, Sam, and Maria in CA:tWS. There are a ton of stories in this ’verse, and I enjoyed every single one. My favorite, though, is the one where Darcy and Tony go visit Howard’s forgotten secret bunker and have three generation’s-worth of overdue conversations.

A Morbid Taste for Ice by sitehound

This is probably my favorite TaserTricks story, though I haven’t read nearly as much Darcy/Loki as I have other Darcy ships. I think it’s because writing Loki in character and making it believable to me that Darcy would fall in love with him, especially post-Avengers 1, is a fine line. If the fic apologizes too much for Loki’s wrongdoing without enough repentance/reformation, I don’t buy that she would legit be able to fall for him, but, go too far on the redemption and Loki gets OOC.

This story hits all those beats pretty perfectly and combines them with the whole Darcy/Jane/Thor (and now Loki) found family thing, Thor/Loki brother angst, Jane/Darcy BFFs, and a really compelling murder mystery to boot. There is also an interesting subplot with Loki being what basically amounts to a magical mechanic that I found really interesting amidst the snark, romance, and mystery solving. I’m sad this writer only has the one story up because it is so good!

Bygone by @inkbert

This story is Shieldshock (Steve/Darcy), not WinterShock, so even though I do try to only choose one fic per author (mostly), I’m totally fine having two by @inkbert on this list. Besides, this fic is amazing, and it’s not like there are anyone’s rules to follow on these fic rec lists but my own, lol! This is hands down my favorite ShieldShock story ever. 

Jane’s experiment goes awry and sends Darcy into the past—specifically after Bucky left for basic but before he shipped out and Steve got tapped for Project Rebirth. Darcy ends up living with Rebecca and Mrs. Barnes, and she falls head over heels in love with tiny Steve, so much so that they get married despite not knowing what the future holds for her. Then, the night before Steve is going to report to basic, Darcy blips out again, and when she blips back in, Steve is dead. The rest of the story has Darcy blipping her way through time, making friends with Howard, Peggy, and the Howling Commandos. Ultimately, though, it’s her brother/sister relationship with Tony that is the most poignant, especially by the time they catch up to the present again. And Darcy is a complete BAMF the whole time—going on missions, learning to fly anything with wings, doing anything and everything to keep her found family together. This story also gave me a plan for what I would do if I were ever shot back into a timeline like this where I couldn’t sew or cook or make a living—become a typist… genius, Darce!

Their Hearts Said by @anogete

Another Anogete story because I just can’t resist. All her stories are really good, be they WinterShock, ShieldShock, or even her really good Loki/OC fic. I would definitely suggest giving all of them a try.

This ShieldShock story is my favorite post-Infinity War tale. It picks up a few weeks after the snap, with everyone grieving and trying to figure out what to do next. Steve is barely holding it together while the remaining Avengers try to figure out what they can do. After Jane and her family disappear, Darcy heads to Avengers Tower, hoping against hope that maybe Thor knows what’s going on. Darcy and Steve start sleeping together as more of an escape from the awfulness around them than anything else, but as the team works on a plan to save the day and bring everyone back, they develop real feelings for each other. There is also time travel and I really loved the minimalist way she wrote how the day was saved in this. It balanced well with the character stuff. This story is much preferable to End Game—too bad cannon didn’t go like this!

Good Madness by Em_Jaye

Normally, I prefer my Darcy embedded within the MCU cannon. I adore that every girl keeping up with superheroes thing. But, I do enjoy a good AU on occasion, and this is one of my faves. It’s ShieldShock and kid!fic. Darcy runs a bakery that was left to her by her mother (real You’ve Got Mail tones there, but no creepy identity porn), and Steve comes in for treats on occasion. One day, he brings his daughter, and the rest is history. I love the Steve/Darcy romance in this one, and Steve’s daughter is a sweet character. I love the Full House thing Steve has going on co-raising his daughter with Bucky and Sam. And there is a nice Bucky/Natasha subplot and some really good Tony, which I would say more about except that I don’t want to spoil the surprise. My favorite story in the series is the five rules one at the end, so definitely keep going long enough for that. And if you like Em_Jaye’s writing, you should check out The Long Way Around—a Shieldshock, time travel, Endgame fix-it WIP that is excellent, as well.

One Year by @steeleholtingon

This story is WinterShieldShock. OT3s aren’t my favorite trope, but somehow with Bucky/Darcy/Steve, it works. Maybe it’s something about the boys’ history and Darcy dragging them into the future. Kind of what she does for each of them individually in WinterShock and ShieldShock, but with even more oomph. I haven’t read the whole tag, but One Year is my favorite.

Bucky’s Winter Soldier recovery has pushed both Steve and Bucky to the edge. Steve ends up leaving (at Bucky’s demand, but also because the team is afraid he’s going to do some kind of suicide via superhero duty if he doesn’t get his head on straight). The wrinkle—the night before he left, Darcy and Steve had a comforting one-night stand that resulted in two pinks lines on the test. The resulting story takes place one month at a time. Steve tries to piece himself back together and put his feelings for Bucky in the past whilst falling for Darcy over text messages. Bucky, on the other hand, realizes how he fucked it all up and vows to be there for Darcy and Steve’s baby while Steve is gone. Darcy navigates the waters of an unplanned (but wanted) pregnancy while balancing her feelings for both of them. And all the rest of the Avengers, science crew, and other Avengers-adjacent peeps support all three of them through it all. Angst, recovery, and a happy ending. So good!

So, after all that, what are you guys waiting for? Get to reading all this Darcy goodness! :-)

And now I need to figure out what fic rec list to work on next. I have a Stranger Things one (Harringrove and Mileven) almost ready to go, and then I need to decide what to do with the ships and characters that I don’t have a full top ten for. Group them together, perhaps? Bughead and LoVe might be a good combination, lol. And WinterHawk and WinterIron.

[365days365movies]

February 1, 2021: Dirty Dancing (1987)

There are two people to credit for the beginning of this month. The first is my girlfriend, who asked that I represent her with this GIF.

Thank you, dear. Anyway, this is one of her favorite romance films, and she’s also not a big romance movie person. She was shocked that I hadn’t seen it, and that’s because of the second person to credit here: my Mom.

That is my Mom in the late ‘80s with her Pomeranian, Pugsley. Yup. This is just the GODDAMN SURFACE of my Mom, who’s quirky as shit. Love her for it, though. But, OK, why is my Mom involved here? Because this is also one of her favorite films. My Dad’s, too, but I’ll talk more about him in April.

However, if you read the Romance February introduction from yesterday, you might be wondering something. If my Mom’s taste in romance movies was so prevalent in my early life, how in the hell have I never seen this movie, one of her favorites? Especially considering the fact that, TMI here, but I WAS BORN TO THE FILM’S SOUNDTRACK. YES. REALLY. HOW HAVE I ESCAPED THIS MOVIE?

Yup. No clue. Shall we remedy that? SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

It’s 1963 in the Catskills, where Frances “Baby” Houseman (Jennifer Grey), a politically conscious young woman on her way into the Peace Corps, is going on vacation with her parents, Jake and Majorie Houseman (Jerry Orbach and Kelly Bishop), and her sister, Lisa (Jane Brucker). The owner, Max Kellerman (Jack Weston), who’s a friend of the Housemans, welcomes them to the resort.

Later that night, Max is briefing the young male waiters and entertainment, all of whom are hired from Ivy League universities. Well...except for the intriguing young dance instructor in the sunglasses. THAT...would be Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze).

I wanna just say before I forget, I miss Patrick Swayze. He’s awesome, and he left far too soon.

The next night, during dinner, Max introduces Baby to his grandson, Neil (Lonny Price), who’s just graduated from Cornell’s Hotel Management school. A school which, for the record, is the best hotel school in the USA, and second or third in the world. Also, hotelies (that’s what we called them) are CRAZY. They’re an interesting...bunch...

I, uh... I went to CornellMOVING ON

As Neil awkwardly hits on Baby, everybody encourages them having a relationship, despite her CLEARLY not wanting any of this. She instead watches Johnny skillfully mambo with another girl on center floor. After being roped into a magic act by Neil, and given a chicken by Stan (Wayne Knight, which I’m a fan of), she leaves, annoyed and irritated.

On her way back, she sees Johnny’s cousin, Billy (Neal Jones) struggling with a few GIGANTIC watermelons. She offers to help him, and he brings her to a secret house party, where some dancing’s happening. Some...dirty dancing.

Interesting side note here: racial integration! In 1963, remember, so that’s interesting. I mean, if anybody’s a fan of that, it’s gonna be me. At the party, Johnny arrives with Penny Johnson (Cynthia Rhodes), his dance partner from the mambo floor. Johnny sees her there, and questions her presence, to which she makes an adorably awkward comment. And then...they do a dance of their own.

The next day, Lisa makes a love connection with one of the waiters, and asks Baby to cover for her. Baby also speaks to Penny, who doesn’t come from the best background. That night, Penny’s missing, and Neil gives Cornell students just the WORST goddamn name as he very awkwardly hits on Baby. He takes her to the kitchen, and that’s where Baby sees Penny.

Yeah, Penny’s not OK. Baby goes to Billy and Johnny, who go to get her. Turns out Penny’s pregnant, but Johnny’s not the father. They’re obviously quite close, although they aren’t romantically tangled. Baby, coming from a place of much higher privilege, doesn’t quite understand how difficult this is. Penny berates her for this, and it’s revealed that the father is Robbie Gould (Max Cantor), one of the waiters, who’s also the guy that’s been hanging around Lisa.

Baby confronts him the following day, where he states that “Some people count, some people don’t.” He also offers her a copy of The Fountainhead, a well-known book for complete and utter douchenozzles. She warns him to stay away from her sister, then goes to ask her father for money for the abortion. Which, by the way, was very illegal in 1963. She gets the money from her dad, who gives it without asking many questions.

However, there’s an issue; Johnny and Penny have to dance on the only night she can get the abortion. And there’s nobody to replace her...except maybe Baby? Johnny’s entirely against it, they end up convincing him, for Penny’s sake. And now, we get a hallmark of ‘80s cinema: the training montage.

This is a pretty good time to note three things. One, Jennifer Grey is the daughter of Joel Grey, one of the GREATEST actor/dancers ever to grace Hollywood and Broadway. Dude was one of the main characters in Cabaret, for which he won an Oscar, and originated the role of the Wizard of Oz in Wicked. So, yeah, she’s got dancing blood. Secondly, Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey apparently HATED each other. Yeah, kind of a bummer. But their chemistry was SO GODDAMN POWERFUL, that they were able to push through their feelings and do this as well as they are. And third...THIS SOUNDTRACK BOPS. 

I get it. I GET IT.

Something else I get, too. The chemistry between Grey and Swayze really does sizzle, GODDAMN. Over the course of the montage, they clearly get closer emotionally...and physically. And yeah, it’s definitely there. Although, given the fact that they’re from different class backgrounds, it’s probably gonna be one of those stories. Well, OK. Let’s do it.

After a little too much time practicing, the two take a break. And yet, while on a nature excursion, they continue their training in different environments. Most iconically, they practice lifts in the lake.

Yeah...yeah, I get it.

The day approaches, and Baby and Penny have a bit of a heart-to-heart. Penny asks Lisa to cover for her (and I’m betting that she won’t, LIKE AN ASSHOLE), and she heads to the dance gig. It mostly goes OK, but the lift is aborted at the last second. However, the performance is still received well. They leave JUST before an elderly couple from the resort sees them. 

Johnny gives her a pep-talk, telling her that she did well, and the music on the car radio hints at their growing mutual attraction. But once they get there, tragedy’s struck. Turns out that the abortion doctor was a dangerous quack, and Penny’s now dangerous injured, in pain and possibly dying. Panicking, Baby does THE RIGHT THING, I can’t stress that enough, THE RIGHT GODDAMN THING, and gets her doctor father.

Understandably upset (and yeah, it is understandable, all things considered), Dr. Houseman forbids Baby from seeing Johnny or any of the others ever again. This situation...sucks. Damn. And Baby agrees, as she sneaks off to see Johnny anyway. She apologizes to Johnny for how her father treated her, but Johnny blames his own social status for it, rather than her father.

Their conversation becomes very real, and eventually turns into Baby declaring her love for Johnny. As a song comes on the radio, she asks him to dance with her. Giving in to his own feelings, he agrees. And together they engage in some...Dirty Dancing.

As the two dirty dance horizontally, the night turns to day. That morning, things are definitely awkward between Baby and her father, who almost takes his family away that night. But, his wife and Lisa convince him to stay. He even comes back to visit Penny, checking in to make sure she’s alright, which Baby finds out once she does the same.

Things are also a little awkward between Baby and Johnny, interestingly. Wonder how last night ended. Well, Penny figures it out, and warns Johnny about the risks off getting involved with the upper class. Which, remember, is how she ended up this way. The two have a tense-but-intimate exchange. Which just preludes this IMMEDIATELY happening.

Yeah, that’s not a surprise. Well, more heart-to-heart proceeds, and they continue to learn about each other’s lives. That night, Lisa tells Baby that she wants to go all the way with Robbie. Despite Baby’s warnings, Lisa simply tells her off, and is generally, I’ll be honest, a bitch. The next morning, though, Baby and Johnny have another dance session. And it’s THAT session. You know the one.

Neil interrupts, and proceeds to give a bad name to Cornellians everywhere (I’m not like that putz, I SWEAR), and pisses off Johnny in the process. She asks why he didn’t stand up for himself, and then immediately hides Johnny from her father, who’s walking with Robbie and Lisa. Rightfully calling her a hypocrite, he storms off.

And then they immediately resolve it. Which, GODDAMN, do I appreciate. Robbie strolls by, makes a typical crass comment about Baby, and then Johnny BEATS THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM

OH FUCK YES. And if that wasn’t enough catharsis, Lisa catches Robbie with one of the high society wives from earlier, as they sleep together in a cabin. OH. YES. THAT’S SOME GOOOOOOOOOOOOD SHIT.

Baby and Johnny, in the actual good and fully-developed relationship of this movie, spend the night together. And are seen the next morning by the high society wife, who had the hots for Johnny.

The wife, Vivian (Miranda Garrison), implicates Johnny in stealing a wallet. Johnny’s about to be fired, and then BABY ADMITS THAT THEY WERE TOGETHER IN FRONT OF HER FATHER HOLY FUCK

She did it. She actually did it. Goddamn. And then, AND THEN, she TELLS HER FATHER OFF AND CALLS HER OUT FOR HIS ELITISM HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS MOVIE. And then, Jerry Orbach fuckin’ starts tearing up, and I AM SHOOK MOTHERFUCKER

And yet, even though the wallets were actually stolen by an elderly couple that Baby actually implicated, Johnny gets fired anyway. GODDAMN. After Baby completely loses heart, Johnny confronts her father, and learns that he believes that he was the one who got Penny pregnant. Johnny semi-tells him off, then walks away.

At his car, Johnny and Baby say goodbye with a kiss, and Johnny heads off forever. I mean, probably not, there’s a good 16 minutes left, and we haven’t gotten to the most iconic scene of the film yet. But anyway, Baby mourns her lost relationship, and her sister actually bonds with her over this whole thing. Hot damn.

I want to punch Neil in the goddamn face. Mostly just because he’s on screen, but also because he LITERALLY ruins the goddamn anthem of Cornell University, by setting the anthem for the resort against its melody. Goddamn you, Neil. GODDAMN YOU. Also, fuck Robbie, because he LITERALLY OUTS HIMSELF to Dr. Houseman as Penny’s former deadbeat partner. As the anthem continues (to my rage), who shows up but Johnny, who comes to stick up for Baby and all she’s done.

He brings her up on stage, and interrupts the anthem (THANK YOU CHRIST) to perform the last dance of the season, as he always does. Despite Dr. Houseman’s would-be objections (prevented by his wife, who has moved up on my list of favorite characters), the two are left alone on stage. And that...is when the song plays. YOU KNOW THE GODDAMN SONG

Y’know, it’s funny, because this song is definitely an ‘80s song, making this whole sequence pretty goddamn anachronistic, but WHO CARES!? It’s one of the most iconic sequences in film history, especially of the era, and I love the hell out of it. The crowd cheers, the rest of the kids join in, the lift happens, father and daughter make up, everybody dances, I dance with my girlfriend, I LOVE IT! They kiss, they dance and the film fades to black.

Dirty Dancing! See you in the Review! Oh, I’m changing the name of that section, by the way. Alongside a few more things. You’ll see.

[reachexceedinggrasp]

Fated to Love You here reaffirming my long held conviction that no pure romance drama should be 20+ episodes.

This show is... really something. It is, in the fullest possible sense, A Lot. It starts out as an all-out screwball comedy wrapped around a troperiffic romance fluff plot. Wall to wall clichés, but not in a bad way; in a meta, self-aware, peak performance, finest Velveeta way. And if you’re not familiar with screwball comedy, think ‘light-hearted crack fic with slapstick and farce’. There is nothing believable or grounded about any aspect of it, it starts at Bonkers Level: Platinum and it only climbs higher as it goes on.

(On a side note, this results in the leading man being possibly the most memorable love interest in romcom history. His introduction scene is nothing short of batshit insane and you can't reliably predict how he will respond to anything. I have never seen a main character like this, he is all over the shop and utterly singular. Your first reaction to him is ‘wtf?’, your second and third reactions are ‘really?! this guy??’, your fourth reaction is ‘okay he do be mad hot tho’, your fifth and final reaction is ‘I cannot believe this performance exists, I have no idea what he is doing, but it is amazing.’

Appropriately(?) the actor who plays him is an uncanny Korean doppelgänger of Johnny Depp and- between the resemblance, the mannerisms, and the fearless total commitment to a bold as fuck acting choice with the very serious chops to back it up- I’m not convinced they aren’t half brothers separated at birth.

They do sabotage my happiness several times by starting to randomly style his (long, beautiful) hair very weird, fixing it right when the plot is rapidly circling the drain so he looks his hottest just as the show becomes briefly unwatchable, and then ruining him for the entire second half of the series by shearing it all off. WHY, my anguished cry goes up. Why do you do this?! Why does he have like seven hairstyles over the course of the show? Much later they even briefly give him that ubiquitous Kdrama Second Lead haircut with weirdly forward combed fringe in a solid straight line across the brow all the way back from the crown. It looks terrible on everyone and I hate it so much. This version was less bad than most but it is still bad. Anyway.)

So it’s an incredibly fun time to start but there are some problems with the tone and plot even in the first 9 episodes, including when the lovers start getting along really well right away and they’re both thoroughly decent people so there’s nothing keeping them from having a lovely time together making the best of the circumstances (forced/fake marriage). And, instead of introducing new conflict or advancing one of the dozen conflicts previously established and actually moving forward, there is a painfully contrived rehash of something they already dealt with which is then just never resolved. They make the hero leap to a conclusion his wife is nefarious after he’d already decided once that she isn’t (though it was completely reasonable for him to think she was- the fact that he decided to trust her so quickly just speaks to what kind of person he is), never try to find out more or talk to anyone about it, start pushing her away because of it, and have all this come to absolutely nothing. It only exists so he’ll stop being so incredibly nice to her and they won’t fall in love too fast.

You’d think they would have to eventually clear the air before the romance advances right? No. It wasn’t a real plot point, it was just a reset button to get them estranged and hostile again after they connect over their kindred spirits and we’ve spent a bunch of time showing how profoundly supportive and honourable our hero is. He’s being beautifully mature and selfless because he’s a really good dude (unusual for a romcom drama, right? for the main guy to be nice and considerate? to accept responsibility even if he doesn’t have to? Gun’s weird but he’s wonderful), but the writers need him to be cold and standoffish, so they just make him act like an unreasonable idiot for a while. He’s been thus far hugely proactive and direct and honest about everything, it’s one of his most prominent character traits, but suddenly he’s going to avoid confrontation in favour of being super passive aggressive?? Then the writers never solve it. Never! It just goes away. He got over it, I guess? He decided he doesn’t care if she’s a gold digger who deliberately trapped him? God forbid we have motivations that make sense and organic character drama, right? It's not like he didn't have totally valid reasons to be suspicious that could have led to legitimate conflict our heroine would struggle to vindicate herself from.

But anyway, apart from that kind of lazy bullshit, it’s a fine romance plot with extremely endearing characters who have great chemistry. They are fun and well-rounded and incredibly human despite all the silliness and OTT antics. Their relationship is hugely, hugely engaging and the dynamic is perfect, they really complement each other as characters and organically drive each other's arcs. There's the genuine depth and warmth and quiet pathos so often lacking from this kind of show. Things progress at a semi-reasonable pace. They work up to confessing their mutual feelings and get into some cute shenanigans before making out. It happens soon enough that you are not frustrated, but there's still plenty of build-up. Then- uh oh! We’re only 9 eps in and we have another 11 hours to fill with this fluffy plot!

Time for a bunch of absolute fucking nonsense. Time for our show, which has been so goofy and removed from reality it occasionally resembles a Monty Python skit, which has been so light it asks you to ignore the frankly incredibly fucked up implications of its premise for the sake of comedy (they were both drugged and proxy raped resulting in a pregnancy- the FL was a virgin prior to this and Gun had a girlfriend he wanted to propose to- and it was the FL’s family who did this to them: SUPER FUCKED UP), so farcical that it makes Some Like it Hot look like a gritty crime drama, that show to cover a bunch of serious heavy shit.

First, the rankest of melodrama. The families and the world all turn on our couple, but their love is true and will conquer all- UNTIL, he randomly collapses and gets convenient Soap Opera Amnesia. He’s forgotten their entire relationship and a series of coincidental pieces of misconstrued evidence, the machinations of his scheming ex girlfriend, the Soap Opera Doctor’s advice, and his closest confidants all going along with this conspire to make him believe (AGAIN) that his wife just wants his money.

This whole terrible episode is mercifully brief, but it just gets worse after his memory returns. This is where we get into the Noble Idiocy. The ‘pretend you don’t love them to “save them” from getting hurt by hurting them and making their important life decisions for them as if they don’t have a basic fucking right to decide that themselves’ kind. Which goes on for three FUCK years in the show. He wastes three years of their lives they could have spent together because he’s worried he might die young (in a terrible way) and doesn’t want to put her through that. And, of course, they inevitably get together later, so all he did was make it infinitely worse for her either way. To say nothing of how he thus couldn’t be there for her through the loss of their child. Possibly my most hated fucking trope of all time when done this way.

And, yep, you read that right. This show that has the single most batshit bonkers over the top slapstick I have ever seen in a kdrama, this show has a storyline where the fluffy romcom trope accidental pregnancy ends in massive trauma. Because she was standing around in the street after realising he does remember her (he continued to pretend he had amnesia after his memories came back, it’s all part of the stupid noble idiocy so I glossed over it) and gets hit by a car in the middle of their angst staring.

It is nearly Meet Joe Black levels of hilariously abrupt and incongruous.

so, blah blah, they lose their baby (there’s a very stupid whole thing about her telling everyone to save the baby instead of her- the baby is not far enough along for this to have been remotely viable. She is like 3 months pregnant. They all act like there’s a choice to be made between them and she’s mad at her husband for choosing to save her, but there was NO CHOICE. Either she lives or they both die! ffs I’m so irritated about this) and then he dumps her ~for her own good~~ because he loves her too much to make her go through losing him? So she loses him sooner?? right after their baby died???

Why do people in these stories always think being betrayed and abandoned for no reason and being incredibly angry at someone you love while also not getting to be with them is somehow less painful than making the best of your life together and then losing them against their will? ‘I will make her hate me and then she won’t be sad we broke up/I died!!!!’ is such a fucking galaxy brain take and I despise it with the heat of ten thousand suns. Fuck you, Spider-Man. You aren’t protecting anyone, the villains still know you love MJ and will still use her against you, you clod. Emotionally torturing the person you love is not going to make them not a target because the villains are not as fucking stupid as you two. Anyway.

Amnesia was right where I started fast-forwarding and skipping around (because I couldn’t bear it), but it only goes downhill from there. Maybe I would have toughed out more of the wretched middle part plot twist if they hadn’t cut all the hot guy’s hair off. If I’m going to watch total nonsense tedious melodrama, I need it to at least be pretty. I understand it was a Symbolic Haircut but damnit! Let me have this!

And it ultimately does the thing that kdramas seem obsessed with and which makes me want to claw out my own eyeballs with frustration. There’s a giant time skip, the female lead gets a personality transplant, all narrative momentum is lost, and the characters who eventually (at ENORMOUS length) get together permanently are essentially completely different characters with a completely different dynamic than the couple you were shipping for 90% of the story. It is so FUCKING unsatisfying and it is EVERYWHERE.

Not so much with this one because this one still had a lot of very romantic scenes late in the game, but most that do this, it’s also like all the romance is sucked out of the post-time skip episodes and the ending is a consolation prize instead of a triumphant culmination. Inevitably, the heroine abruptly cools off and is suddenly wary of the hero and wants this Important New Career she never mentioned until the penultimate episode but is now her one true life’s dream. What the apparently irresistible appeal is of these contrived separations and demure conclusions is I CANNOT FATHOM. I’m here for the fucking romance guys, you have not made Citizen Kane, please just indulge me with a big schmoopy finale.

And if not that, it’s frequently that there’s been so many random mood swings and so much shitty behaviour by the end that the relationship doesn’t make sense and you don’t know why they even bother to get back together.

I’m not inherently against all misunderstandings (they are the bread and butter of low stakes romance let’s be real) or attempts at noble idiocy from misguided characters, but the duration and seriousness of the drama these generate needs to be in proportion to how ridiculous they are. If your entire plot can be solved by a thirty second conversation there is NO REASON not to have and the continuation of the misunderstanding is a result of someone just NOT SPEAKING UP when any functional human being would have spoken up seven times by now IT’S BAD.

Do little cliff-hangers, whatever, but don’t draaaaagg out silly misconceptions into Shakespearean tragedy, it’s just wearying. It makes me hate the characters for acting like emotionally constipated toddlers with terminal stupidity. If there is so little trust, so little understanding, and so little basic patience between these people, they probably shouldn’t be dating, so try fucking harder, writers. And noble idiocy that is more than an impulse they fairly quickly see the error of is just insulting. You are not helping the other person, you are being domineering and selfish. I have a whole complex about wasting time and seeing endless parades of characters flushing years down the toilet for literally no reason gives me hives. Especially when the whole issue is about time!

(And, btw, so much of the plot is about how desperately the family needs an heir and everyone still wanting them to have kids the second time they get together- while the ~dilemma used to keep them apart is a GENETIC DISEASE which could STRIKE AT ANY TIME. Do you SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS WRITERS????? NO, I KNOW YOU DON’T. ommmmmmmmggggg that’s awful! So they’re just dooming more kids to Soap Opera Brain Disease? And maybe growing up without a father just as Gun did? And no one even considers suggesting adoption??? He never considers that he shouldn’t have biological children despite thinking he shouldn’t have a wife?)

ANYWAY. Please do watch the first nine episodes and the last three, it’s bananas. They are cute as fuck, Gun is The Best, and the tropey romance scenes are top quality. You don't get those things executed so well, it doesn't happen, so you need this in your life. The acting is of a calibre you never usually see in modern romcoms; these are people at the top of their game committing utterly and taking these characters completely seriously. In that way it is pure wish fulfilment for me as someone who loves romance and is almost always disappointed by popular romance media, and thus the show is incalculably special. But skip the middle. Just skip it. It's not worth the suffering. I find the tone whiplash honestly just this side of crass.

I’ve been thinking about it for over a week and I truly love the main characters so it did plenty right, but I just cannot with wedding the two things this show is trying to be together, especially when it goes so hard in two mutually exclusive directions. but also the Meet Joe Black sudden car accident device is not redeemable under any circumstances. Can we never do that again, please.

[glapplebloom]

Welcome to the Most Must See Review on GLAB! MIZUARY! This month I will be looking at various episodes starring The Miz and it begins with Fear Factor.

Now I don’t watch a lot of television outside certain things so I was not a reality show watcher. But apparently Joe Rogan was the host of Fear Factor and said the Miz was one of the most fit contestants on the show. So let’s see how the Miz did in Fear Factor.

In 2006, the Miz is teaming up with some lady called Trishelle and they’re representing the Real World reality show that was on MTV. This was before the Miz became the most must see Superstar on the WWE so you’re seeing what Mike Mizanin can really bring.

The first game is basically Demolition Derby where the winning team gets a trip to Kenya. The trick here is that one person drives while the other person shift gears. So apparently Trishelle and Miz dated on the show and this was when the Miz JUST signed with the WWE. He hopes to become a WWE Superstar. I’m pretty sure headlining Wrestlemania and beating John Cena makes you one. Also, his partner doesn’t know Kenya is in Africa.

But while I’m going to focus on the Miz and his partner, let’s talk about who are they facing. Shout out to my fellow Survivor Fan Characters Readers as Survivor’s Johnny Fairplay and Twila Tanner are on one team. From the Amazing Race is Victoria and Johnathan. From American Idol is Carmen and Anthony. And from the Apprentice is Tana and Craig. And after what happened earlier this year, I’m automatically rooting against them.

So it begins with a race to knock down a flag for an additional $5000 but the Miz shows off his smarts by waiting in the back. Likely to let them get damaged trying to race for it. But considering a second person has to be responsible for the gear shift a lot of them are having issues. But once they got the hang of it they kept crashing into each other like they should. And the Miz is destroying the others on commentary and in the Derby. Sadly being the most aggressive also meant they were the most damaged. So they were the third out. The American Idol team won this non-elimination round.

Miz Soundbite of the Game: “Its called Demolition Derby, not Run Derby”

Now there’s something I didn’t expect to see: the winner gets to decide between a Trip to Kenya or taking a pass from the next Stunt, which is an Elimination Round. And whatever they don’t pick goes to another team. Mr. Fairplay suggested to the team that they keep the trip and give him the pass because he’s the weakest player. Now if I was the Idols, that pitch makes me think “you know, why don’t you play”. Of course, they can’t decide until they find out the next stunt.

They got to collect skulls in a swamp. The women have to dive into a well, the men have to dive into a mud pit, and the women have to go into a pit to get the last skull that’s guarded by an alligator. The American Idols decide to keep the trip and give the pass to the Apprentice Team, because they were the second to last team in the last game. The Miz is not confident about having Trishelle pull him out of the mud pit.

While I do plan on skipping anything not Miz related, I will mention that thanks to Johnny Fairplay he got Victoria to quit so the Miz and Trishelle technically don’t have to do the challenge. After Victoria (honestly rightfully) hits Johnny (and not too seriously), it seems Johnathan was going to start a fight with Joe Rogan but Miz had to break it up to prevent Joe from beating Johnathan.

Despite a team quitting and Miz helping out Joe, Team Miz still have to complete it to advance. Makes sense, but they’re gonna crush it. Miz SWAM through the Mud Pit and back, not even relying on Trishelle to pull him, and crushed the time in 8:13.1. Being the fastest team to complete the challenge, they get to pick the order for the next stunt. And this is the end of this first part.

Miz Soundbite of the Game: I felt like Arnold in Predator man, I was like “Screw the Rope, get to the boat, I’m coming!”

The episode begins with everyone noting that Johnny looks like someone who has been partying all night and haven’t gone to bed yet. Johnny, despite actually doing it, is using it to his advantage because that means people are underestimating him. While this may work on Survivor, I don’t think its going to work on Fear Factor.

The next stunt is a water stunt. They got to ride these things to grab items to stop a fire and save a dummy in a houseboat. Then they ride a helicopter, drop into a boat, swim to shore, and bring the dummy to an ambulance. The Miz and Trishelle picks the order and have the Apprentice Team go first. Its like he can predict the future. This is followed by the American Idol Team, then themselves, which means Team Survivor is last. Miz even gives Trishelle advice.

While the Miz got off on time, Trishelle was WAY off in comparison. But thanks to her swimming skills they make it on the same time. But the Miz is having difficulty getting onto the boat. But he makes up for it by busting a wall that was in the way and got on the helicopter in 2:37. And they complete the challenge in 6:07.1, again the fastest time so far. Also, it looks like Team American Idol wants to trade partners with Team Miz. Also, apparently this is not an elimination round, so Johnny and Twila decide to sit it out. This is all Johnny’s plan as everyone thinks Twilia would have loved to try it.

Miz Soundbite of the Game: So you can be good, you can be bad, but there’s nothing like being the Miz.

The next stunt has the ladies being stuck in an airtight box underwater with a whole bunch of bugs. The men have to dive underwater and cut ropes to free the girls. Johnny kept his end of the bargain and did not party all night long. He got home by 11. But they did the stunt in over 8 minutes while the other two teams were above a minute. But now Team Miz is up and they complete the challenge in 38 seconds. So despite Johnny’s plan on resting the day before, it was all for naught.

Miz Soundbite of the Game: All Four in One Shot, DUDE! You’re a f... animal! ~Joe Rogan.

The next stunt has Ladies in a sled having to go through it to a tunnel with Spiders while they have to get a key with their mouth. The men have to turn the crank for them to go through the tunnel and then jump into a big container of ice to find another key to keep it moving. And to make things worse: Johnny Fairplay is going to be the host for the rest of the show. Team Miz did 7:57.4 but in a surprising turn of events, Team Apprentice got 5:26.4 (their first win). Luckily for Team Miz it was not an elimination round and Johnny Fairplay gets eliminated again.

Miz Soundbite of the Game: Trishelle: I’m like GET THE DAMN KEY OUT Miz: I don’t wanna do it.  I don’t wanna do it. Get yourself out.

The final stunt is the following. While in the middle of the air they have to make their way to the back of the car and after 90 seconds they’ll come crashing into the ground. The team that transfers the most balls in 90 seconds will be the winner. Team Miz is first and sadly only got three balls. Team American Idol goes next and despite getting two pretty fast, couldn’t get the third one. And finally Team Apprentice who only got one. Which means Team Miz wins!

Miz Soundbite of the Game: Come on! Is it 57 seconds yet! Come on!

Overall, it was fun to see. You get to see Pre-WWE Miz and see a lot of what would become the WWE’s Miz and the Star of Miz and Mrs. Miz shows impressive physical abilities and showed that he can be tough enough. Winning 4 out of the 6 games is very impressive, especially the cutting wires underwater in a little over half a minute. Next time, let’s see the Miz after he got on the WWE.

[mischiefandspirits]

Doppelgänger (8/?)

Previously on Doppelgänger ~ Masterlist ~ Next time on Doppelgänger

Danny, Sam, and Tucker were just 14 when they took a look inside the portal Danny’s parents had built. From there, everything changed. They woke up with white hair, green skin, and powers they could learn to control. They were hybrids, halfas.

They were the hero Doppelgänger.

{Lucky in Love, Part 1}

A heatwave had hit Amity Park, which meant all the teens could be found in one place: Floody Waters.

“It’s way too hot,” Tucker said and winked at a guy that was passing. “Just like the people.”

“I don’t think it’s hot,” Sam said, choosing to ignore the second part.

“Are you kidding, I’m broiling,” Danny huffed, tugging at his swim binder.

Sam frowned at him, then took off her hat and put it on his head. “That better, baby?”

Danny gave her a look as he pushed the hat’s veil off his face. “I don’t know, are you sure you’re not going to catch on fire if you let the sun touch your skin.”

“Seriously, how are you not hot in this?” Tucker asked as he tugged at the edge of the black cloak she was wearing over her bathing suit.

She shrugged. “It’s just not hot. And I need to keep up the goth aesthetic.”

“Well far be it for me to mess with your aesthetic,” Danny chuckled and pulled the hat off to give back to her.

“If you’re overheating -”

“I’m fine, really.”

She gave him a look that said she didn’t completely believe him, but took the hat.

“Hey, Danny!”

Danny smiled and turned to Valerie as she walked up. “Hey, Val.”

She smiled back, then turned to Sam and Tucker with a pinched expression. “Foley. Manson.”

“Whatever,” Sam said, turning to face the front of the line they were waiting in.

Tucker followed her lead.

Danny frowned at them before focusing on Valerie. In a quiet voice, he asked, “Is your thermos working okay now?”

“Yeah, thanks for the help. I don’t know why it didn’t work before.”

“You got an older model, electricity-powered. The new ones are powered by ectoplasm. I don’t know how one of the old ones even got on the market.”

“I don’t either. I guess it’s a good thing I know you,” she said, setting her hand on his shoulder.

Sam snorted.

Danny sighed and let Sam and Tucker go ahead without him when the line moved up. “Sorry about them. They’re just protective.”

“It’s alright, I get it,” she said, squeezing his shoulder then letting it go. “Are we still on for tomorrow?”

“Of course. See you then.”

“See you.” Danny watched Valerie wander off then ran up to join his partners.

“Done flirting with disaster?” Sam asked.

“I’m not flirting, and she’s not that bad.”

“Tell that to our bruises.”

“We don’t have any bruises,” Danny huffed. “And I’m the one that usually fights her since I have the best chance at evading so I don’t see what your guys' problem is.”

“That’s exactly our problem,” Sam hissed, turning to him with yellow eyes. “She shoots at you every chance she gets and you’re still trying to cuddle up to her.”

“I’m not -”

“You are, even if you’re too clueless to see it. And she’s definitely trying to cuddle up to you!”

Danny blushed. They weren’t… Valerie was just his sparring buddy. That’s it.

Their ghost senses went off.

Sam rolled her eyes. “I’ll go deal with it. Make sure clueless doesn’t get himself killed while I’m gone,” she told Tucker, shoving Danny towards him.

She had just gotten out of sight when the screaming started. Danny and Tucker looked over to see a dark shape hovering over the running crowd.

“It’s Johnny’s shadow,” Danny said. “We should find a place to hide in case Sam needs help.”

Tucker nodded and they jumped the railing, but ended up getting separated in the crowd. Danny ran for the bathrooms, only to be pushed out as soon as he slipped inside. He flushed as he realized he’d gone into the wrong one.

“Hello, ladies’ room!” Star said.

“I’d tell you to go to the men’s room, but I don’t think you qualify.”

Danny scowled at Paulina, one of the few classmates who went to elementary school with him. “That’s a low blow, even for you,” he muttered to her as he passed.

He was almost to the men’s room when he heard an unfamiliar scream in a familiar voice. He turned to see Shadow hovering over Valerie, glaring down at the huntress.

“Oh no you don’t.” He ran for the two, grabbing the Fenton Fisher out of his Space Fold. “Hey! Tall, dark, and formless, remember me?”

Shadow turned to him and roared.

Danny tossed the line like a lasso to bind its arms. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Growling, the ghost flew into the air.

“Danny!” Valerie yelled as he was pulled along for the ride.

Shadow shrunk down to slip free then swooped down to grab Danny out of his free fall. It brought them face to face.

“I swear, if your biker pal is flirting with my sister again…”

Shadow snarled and dove.

Danny looked down to see them heading towards the sharp points topping a wrought iron fence that bordered the edge of one of the pools. His eyes darted about until they locked onto the emergency drain for the pool.

“Come on, slick,” he said and cast the fisher’s line, catching it on the fence on the other side of the pool. “Let’s see how well you mix with water.”

Using a bit of ghost strength he pulled the line hard enough to send them into the pool. Danny swam out and climbed up to the lever. He glanced back to see Shadow melting in the pool. He pushed the lever, saying, “Enjoy your trip to the sewers! Oh, and if you see Monday’s meatloaf, say hi for me.”

Danny jumped over the railing and was immediately grabbed. “Danny, that was so amazing!”

“Thanks, Val. You okay?”

“I’m great, thanks to you,” she said, then kissed him.

Oh. Oh! Maybe Sam wasn’t completely wrong.

Danny pulled back and tried to say something, but whatever had been on his tongue was lost when he spotted Sam floating behind the huntress with glowing green hands.

The half-ghost vanished.

“That’s for saving me.”

Danny blushed and pushed Valerie so she was at arms’ length. “Val, I, uh, I’m flattered and I like you, but I don’t know if-if I like you that way, you know.”

Valerie grabbed his hands and stepped closer. “Well, there’s only one way to know. Tomorrow, you and me.”

“We, uh, already had plans for tomorrow.”

“Those were plans, this is a date.” She kissed his cheek and walked away. “I’ll meet you at your house. Four o’clock.”

“Okay?” He watched her for a moment then buried his face in his hands. Sam? Tucker?

There was no response.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“For the record, she kissed me.”

…

“Come on, guys, you’re being ridiculous.”

Sam spun around and grabbed the front of his shirt. “You put yourself in danger! Put our secret in danger!”

“I couldn’t just sit back and let Shadow hurt Val.”

“What if she had seen your eyes when you used your power? What then?”

Tucker set his hand on Sam’s shoulder and gave Danny a blank look. “Dude, that was really dangerous. You know our human forms are a lot less durable. You could have really been hurt.”

“I’m sorry, guys, but I didn’t have time to change and Shadow knows me. Human me. I thought I could distract him long enough for Sam to get there.”

“You did a wonderful job of it,” Sam snapped and the two turned to walk away.

Danny sighed and went to the water fountain. He pressed the handle, but nothing came out.

The pipes rattled and Danny’s ghost sense went off.

Shadow burst from the nozzle.

“Oh no.”

The ghost’s green eyes landed on him and it grabbed him, phasing him through the floor.

“Come on, I’m already in trouble for tussling with you once. Can’t you find someone else to kick your butt?”

It glared at Danny and its hands tightened. Then Danny was sinking into it.

“What the -- Let go!”

They came out in the boiler room, but Danny only caught a quick glance before his head slipped into the darkness. There was a moment of weightlessness, then light stung his eyes and he was falling.

Arms wrapped around him, knocking the breath out of him.

Danny coughed and looked up to see Sam floating in front of him. He looked up and gave Tucker a smile. “Thanks.”

They nodded and flew back up through the ceiling. Once they were back in the halls, Tucker set him down.

“Danny!”

The two growled and Sam disappeared.

Valeria ran up and pulled him into a hug. “Are you okay? I saw people running and screaming.”

“I’m okay. That shadow ghost showed up again, but Doppelgänger saved me.”

She turned to Tucker with a smile. “Thank you.”

Danny’s jaw dropped and Tucker flinched back before disappearing.

“Did… you just thank them? You hate Doppelgänger.”

She blinked, then gave him a flirty smile. “Well, if they saved you they can’t be all bad.”

“Really?” Danny asked, excited. Was Valerie really reconsidering her stance on Doppelgänger?

She hummed then kissed his cheek. “Sit with me at lunch?”

“S-sure.” It wasn’t like Sam and Tucker were talking to him anyway. Maybe he could finally get through to her.

Something moved in the corner of his eye, but when he turned there was nothing there.

Shrugging, he took Valerie’s hand and walked with her to the cafeteria.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You seem happy,” Jazz said as Danny came into the house.

He sent her a smile as he passed her perch on the couch. “I am. Val’s meeting me here at four. I’m going to go toss my backpack in my room.”

“You’re not usually this happy about your sparring sessions with Valerie,” Jazz said, suspicious.

Danny froze. What could he even tell her? Yeah, I’m thrilled because my friend is finally seeing that my ghost half isn’t an evil poltergeist out to ruin her life.

Jazz’s eyes widened. “Oh my gosh, are you going on a date?”

“What? No, of course not! Val and I are just friends!”

She smiled and turned back to her work. “Sure, little brother.”

“It’s not a date, Jazz,” he said, pushing aside the fact that Val wanted it to be a date.

“I won’t tell our parents, don’t worry.”

Danny marched up the stairs. He threw open his door, ready to spend the next ten minutes groaning into his pillow about how everyone in his life seemed to think he had a crush on Valerie, only to freeze at the sight of the ghost leaning against his desk.

“Where is she?” Johnny growled.

Danny glared at him and shut the door. “Like I told your shadow, you need to leave my sister alone.”

“I don’t care about your sister, punk. I want Kitty.”

“Who?”

“My girlfriend.”

He narrowed his eyes. “If you’re messing around with another girl’s head.”

“Calm down, punk. She’s a ghost. I only even went after your sister because Kitty got caught between here and the zone and needed a body.”

Danny opened the door. “JAZZ, GET TH-”

Johnny yanked him back and slapped a hand over his mouth.

“WHAT WAS THAT?”

The two teens shared glares then Danny shrugged the biker off. “NOTHING! NEVERMIND!”

There was a moment's pause, then Jazz gave the affirmative.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t blast you all the way back to the zone?” Danny said, shutting the door.

“My girlfriend’s overshadowing yours.”

That was a very good reason. “Excuse me?”

Johnny pointed down at his shadow. “Shadow’s been tracking Kitty since she took off. He finally caught up to her right as she overshadowed your muscular girlfriend.”

“Valerie’s not my girlfriend!” Danny snapped.

“Sure, kid. That’s not what Shadow saw.”

Danny suddenly remembered the flicker of darkness he’d seen before lunch and rubbed a hand down his face.

Then he realized.

“Let me guess. Kitty overshadowed Val at the waterpark.”

“Yeah, right before you attacked Shadow.”

“In my defense, we didn’t exactly leave things on the best terms and I thought it -- he? -- was going to hurt Val.” So all the stuff about wanting to date him, the kiss, it was all Kitty. Which means Val wasn’t reconsidering her stance on Doppelgänger either. “And he’s the one who escalated from capture to kill.”

“Maybe if you learned to keep your nose out of other people’s business…”

“Uh, my sister. My friend. You and Kitty made it my business. Speaking of which, why is your girlfriend trying to date me?”

“Hell if I know. She just stormed off out of nowhere. Girls, you know.”

Danny stared at him. “Dude, I’ve spent enough time in a girl’s head to know that whole stereotype of girls getting angry for no reason is bs.”

“You’ve spent time in a girl’s head?” Johnny asked incredulously.

“You’re a ghost. You shouldn’t be surprised by weird psychic nonsense that happens around here.”

“You’re human.”

“My bedroom is directly above a portal to another dimension, a nerd who died in the fifties haunts my school locker, and my partners aren’t talking to me right now because my sister’s ex’s girlfriend kissed me while overshadowing my friend who they don’t like because she hates the local ghost kid that half my school has a crush on. My life is weird.”

Johnny didn’t respond.

“Yeah, so what did you do to tick off Kitty?”

Johnny huffed and leaned against the desk again. “Nothing.”

“Sure. What were you doing when she took off?”

“Driving around the next town over, keeping out of the ghost kid’s reach.”

Danny narrowed his eyes. “And how’d you get there without tipping them off that you were here?”

Johnny smirked. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“We’re coming back to that. So you were driving, that’s it. What were you doing while driving?”

“Just checking out the sights. Maybe had Shadow run off some guys when they tried to hit on Kitty. Snagged a ham when she phased us through a meat truck.”

“We’re coming back to the theft too,” Danny said and Johnny rolled his eyes. “Why’d she phase you through a meat truck? Is that a thing you guys do?”

“I didn’t see the truck ahead of us while we were on my bike.”

“And what distracted you?”

The older teen shrugged. “The girls in the car next to us were cute.”

Danny facepalmed. “You’re an idiot.”

“Watch it.”

“You nearly crashed your girlfriend into a truck because you wanted to ogle other girls and you can’t figure out why she’d be mad?”

“I didn’t mean nothing by it. She knows that,” Johnny snorted.

“Are you sure about that?”

“We’ve been together since before you were born.”

“You literally said you still get jealous, so why can’t she?”

Johnny scowled and crossed his arms.

“So what are you going to do to fix this?”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. It’s your girlfriend,” Danny said, then shrugged. “I mean, I can do it, but my idea of fixing it is calling up Doppelgänger to have them rip your girlfriend out of Val so we can all kick both your butts, but I didn’t think you’d like that plan.”

��And how do you expect me to fix it?”

“Apologize. Get her candy and flowers. I don’t know. She’s your girlfriend. How do you guys usually make up after a fight?”

“We make out.”

“You guys need help.” Danny opened his door.

“Where are you going?”

Danny ignored him and went to the stairs. “Hey, Jazz.”

“What?”

“My friend’s girlfriend caught him checking out other girls and now she’s ticked.”

“Good.”

“Yeah, so how would he make it up to her?”

“She can do better.”

“Come on, Jazz,” Danny said, losing the fight against his smile as he heard Johnny grumble behind him.

Jazz sighed and put down whatever she was working on to look up at him. “First, he needs to apologize. And actually mean it. A gift couldn’t hurt, but it should accentuate the apology, not pick up it’s slack. It should be something specific to her, to show that he’s thinking of her. Not flowers or candy, that’s too general. Though he can get her favorite candy or flowers to go with the main gift. Get something that connects to her interests. Preferably something she’s mentioned wanting, to show he’s been listening. Maybe there’s a book she doesn’t have that she’s been talking about or a dress she’s been eyeing. But remember, the main thing is the apology. Telling her that he knows he messed up and he’s sorry and he’ll work on being better in the future because he doesn’t want to lose her. Clear communication is important, got it?”

Danny glances back at Johnny’s pinched face. “Yeah, thanks Jazz.”

“Any time, little brother.” She started to turn away, then stopped. “Also, your friend should know, she might not forgive him. Especially if this isn’t the first time he’s done this. He needs to respect that or it will only make things worse. Apologize, then step back and give her time to make her decision.”

“Right.”

Danny returned to his room with an annoyed Johnny.

“That plan sounds stupid. She even said it might not work,” he scoffed.

“Well if you don’t like Jazz’s plan, we can go with mine.” Johnny gave a growl that sounded more like Shadow. “So what is Kitty interested in?”

“Me.”

“Considering she’s trying to hook up with a random human boy right now, I don’t think that will work.”

“I wouldn’t call you random.”

“… Oh my god, did you complain about me to your girlfriend?” Danny laughed. “Is she trying to date me specifically to make you as jealous as possible? Well, now I feel used.”

[terramythos]

TerraMythos' 2020 Reading Challenge - Book 22 of 26

Title: House of Leaves (2000) 

Author: Mark Z. Danielewski

Genre/Tags: Horror, Fiction, Metafiction, Weird, First-Person, Third-Person, Unreliable Narrator 

Rating: 6/10

Date Began: 7/28/2020

Date Finished: 8/09/2020

House of Leaves follows two narrative threads. One is the story of Johnny Truant, a burnout in his mid-twenties who finds a giant manuscript written by a deceased, blind hermit named Zampanò. The second is said manuscript -- The Navidson Record -- a pseudo-academic analysis of a found-footage horror film that doesn’t seem to exist. In it, Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist Will Navidson moves into a suburban home in Virginia with his partner Karen and their two children. Navidson soon makes the uncomfortable discovery that his new house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Over time he discovers more oddities -- a closet that wasn’t there before, and eventually a door that leads into an impossibly vast, dark series of rooms and hallways. 

While Johnny grows more obsessed with the work, his life begins to take a turn for the worse, as told in the footnotes of The Navidson Record. At the same time, the mysteries of the impossible, sinister house on Ash Tree Lane continue to deepen. 

To get a better idea try this: focus on these words, and whatever you do don’t let your eyes wander past the perimeter of this page. Now imagine just beyond your peripheral vision, maybe behind you, maybe to the side of you, maybe even in front of you, but right where you can’t see it, something is quietly closing in on you, so quiet in fact you can only hear it as silence. Find those pockets without sound. That’s where it is. Right at this moment. But don’t look. Keep your eyes here. Now take a deep breath. Go ahead and take an even deeper one. Only this time as you start to exhale try to imagine how fast it will happen, how hard it’s gonna hit you, how many times it will stab your jugular with its teeth or are they nails? don’t worry, that particular detail doesn’t matter, because before you have time to even process that you should be moving, you should be running, you should at the very least be flinging up your arms--you sure as hell should be getting rid of this book-- you won’t have time to even scream. 

Don’t look. 

I didn’t. 

Of course I looked. 

Some story spoilers under the cut. 

Whoo boy do I feel torn on this one. House of Leaves contains some really intriguing ideas, and when it’s done right, it’s some of the best stuff out there. Unfortunately, there are also several questionable choices and narrative decisions that, for me, tarnish the overall experience. It’s certainly an interesting read, even if the whole is ultimately less than the sum of its parts. 

First of all, I can see why people don’t like this book, or give up on it early (for me this was attempt number three). Despite an interesting concept and framing device, the first third or so of the book is pretty boring. Johnny is just not an interesting character. He does a lot of drugs and has a lot of (pretty unpleasant) sex and... that’s pretty much it, at least at the beginning. There’s occasional horror sections that are more interesting, where Johnny’s convinced he’s being hunted by something, but they’re few and far between. Meanwhile, the story in The Navidson Record seems content to focus on the relationship issues between two affluent suburbanites rather than the much more interesting, physically impossible house they live in. The early “exploration” sections are a little bit better, but overall I feel the opening act neglects the interesting premise. 

However, unlike many, I love the gimmick. The academic presentation of the Navidson story is replete with extensive (fake) footnotes,and there’s tons of self-indulgent rambling in both stories. I personally find it hilarious; it’s an intentionally dense parody of modern academic writing. Readers will note early that the typographical format is nonstandard, with the multiple concurrent stories denoted by different typefaces, certain words in color, footnotes within footnotes, etc. House of Leaves eventually goes off the chain with this concept, gracing us with pages that look like (minor spoilers) this or this. This leads into the best part of this book, namely... 

Its visual presentation! House of Leaves excels in conveying story and feeling through formatting decisions. The first picture I linked is one of many like it in a chapter about labyrinths. And reading it feels like navigating a labyrinth! It features a key “story”, but also daunting, multi-page lists of irrelevant names, buildings, architectural terms, etc. There are footnotes that don’t exist, then footnote citations that don’t seem to exist until one finds them later in the chapter. All this while physically turning the book or even grabbing a mirror to read certain passages. In short, it feels like navigating the twists, turns, and dead ends of a labyrinth. And that’s just one example -- other chapters utilize placement of the text to show where a character is in relation to others, what kind of things are happening around them, and so on. One chapter near the end features a square of text that gets progressively smaller as one turns the pages, which mirrors the claustrophobic feel of the narrative events. This is the coolest shit to me; I adore when a work utilizes its format to convey certain story elements. I usually see this in poetry and video games, but this is the first time I’ve seen it done so well in long-form fiction. City of Saints and Madmen and Shriek: An Afterword by Jeff VanderMeer, both of which I reviewed earlier this year, do something similar, and are clearly inspired by House of Leaves in more ways than one. 

And yes, the story does get a little better, though it never wows me. The central horror story is not overtly scary, but eeriness suffices, and I have a soft spot for architectural horror. Even Johnny and the Navidsons become more interesting characters over time. For example, I find Karen pretty annoying and generic for most of the book, but her development in later chapters makes her much more interesting. While I question the practical need for Johnny’s frame story, it does become more engaging as he descends into paranoia and madness.

So why the relatively low rating? Well... as I alluded to earlier, there’s some questionable stuff in House of Leaves that leaves (...hah?) a bad taste in my mouth. The first is a heavy focus on sexual violence against women. I did some extensive thinking on this throughout my read, but I just cannot find a valid reason for it. The subject feels thrown in for pure shock value, and especially from a male author, it seems tacky and voyeuristic. If it came up once or twice I’d probably be able to stomach this more easily, but it’s persistent throughout the story, and doesn’t contribute anything to the plot or horror (not that that would really make it better). I’m not saying books can’t have that content, but it’s just not explored in any meaningful way, and it feels cheap and shitty to throw it in something that traumatizing just to shock the audience. It’s like a bad jump scare but worse on every level. There’s even a part near the end written in code, which I took the time to decode, only to discover it’s yet another example of this. Like, really, dude? 

Second, this book’s portrayal of mental illness is not great. (major spoilers for Johnny’s arc.) One of the main things about Johnny’s story is he’s an unreliable narrator. From the outset, Johnny has occasional passages that can either be interpreted as genuine horror, or delusional breaks from reality. Reality vs unreality is a core theme throughout both stories. Is The Navidson Record real despite all evidence to the contrary? Is it real as in “is the film an actual thing” or “the events of the film are an actual thing”? and so on and so forth. Johnny’s sections mirror this; he’ll describe certain events, then later state they didn’t happen, contradict himself, or even describe a traumatic event through a made-up story. Eventually, the reader figures out parts of Johnny’s actual backstory, namely that when he was a small child, his mother was institutionalized for violent schizophrenia. Perhaps you can see where this is going... 

Schizophrenia-as-horror is ridiculously overdone. But it also demonizes mental illness, and schizophrenia in particular, in a way that is actively harmful. Don’t misunderstand me, horror can be a great way to explore mental illness, but when it’s done wrong? Woof. Unfortunately House of Leaves doesn’t do it justice. While it avoids some cliches, it equates the horror elements of Johnny’s story to the emergence of his latent schizophrenia. This isn’t outwardly stated, and there are multiple interpretations of most of the story, but in lieu of solid and provable horror, it’s the most reasonable and consistent explanation. There’s also an emphasis on violent outbursts related to schizophrenia, which just isn’t an accurate portrayal of the condition. 

To Danielewski’s credit, it’s not entirely black and white. We do see how Johnny’s descent into paranoia negatively affects his life and interpersonal relationships. There’s a bonus section where we see all the letters Johnny’s mother wrote him while in the mental hospital, and we can see her love and compassion for him in parallel to the mental illness. But the experimental typographical style returns here to depict just how “scary” schizophrenia is, and that comes off as tacky to me. I think this is probably an example of a piece of media not aging well (after all, this book just turned 20), and there’s been a definite move away from this kind of thing in horror, but that doesn’t change the impression it leaves. For a book as supposedly original/groundbreaking as this, defaulting to standard bad horror tropes is disappointing. And using “it was schizophrenia all along” to explain the horror elements in Johnny’s story feels like a cop-out. I wish there was more mystery here, or alternate interpretations that actually make sense. 

Overall The Navidson Record part of the story feels more satisfying. I actually like that there isn’t a direct explanation for everything that happens. It feels like a more genuine horror story, regardless of whether you interpret it as a work of fiction within the story or not. There’s evidence for both. Part of me wishes the book had ended when this story ends (it doesn’t), or that the framing device with Johnny was absent, or something along those lines. Oh well-- this is the story we got, for better or worse. 

I don’t regret reading House of Leaves, and it’s certainly impressive for a debut novel. If you’re looking for a horror-flavored work of metafiction, it’s a valid place to start. I think the experimental style is a genuine treat to read, and perhaps the negative aspects won’t hit you as hard as they did to me. But I can definitely see why this book is controversial. 

[twoidiotwriters1]

Starcrossed Losers IV (Josh Wheeler xReader)

A/N: Y/N has trust issues and terrible luck.

Remember to leave feedback!

Words: 2,199

Warnings: Blood, a lot of running, cursing, a lot of gross ig??

Previous chapter // Next chapter

Josh steps inside the store and prepares to put his hand in danger, not without whining and groaning, of course, I can’t blame him, putting your hand down someone’s throat must be disgusting. 

The closest thing I’ve seen to this is that time Alex and I were over at Nathan’s and Alex had to pull a plastic cap out of Nathan’s dog’s mouth. The way his hand smelled that day... ugh, totally would not recommend. We had to rush over to the vet to make sure Patty hadn’t swallowed any more plastic items, it’s like a block away from the mall, so we decided to let Nathan take his dog back home and we stayed here.

-Time for another beautiful flashback, sponsored by the terrible image of Josh searching on a ghoulie’s stomach with his bare hand-

“Don’t ever let me put my hand down a dog’s throat ever again.”

“How often do you think it could happen?”

“Dogs are silly, Y/N, I don’t know,” He shrugs, examining his hand with repulsion.

“If you ask me, I think that was pretty heroic,” I offer.

“Shut up,” He whines.

“For real!”

“You’re only saying that so I don’t feel as gross...”

“I say it cause I think it was a brave move. Patty’s a pitbull, she could’ve eaten your arm,” I giggle.

“Nah, she’s an angel” 

Alex is the angel, but I won’t admit that to his face.

“Will you ever take a compliment without shrugging it off?” I roll my eyes, “I’m trying to say that I admire you, bitch.” Alex laughs at my outburst.

“I only do it so you keep complimenting me, isn’t it working?” He winks at me, and I feel the urgent need to push him towards the passing cars. Or hold his hand. Whatever.

“Sure. Tell you what, let’s go to the mall, I’ll get you icecream and you can look for a bathroom and wash your hand.”

“Yes, please,” He sighs and takes my hand to practically drag me on the direction of the mall. Alright then, I don’t mind at all.

---------------------------------------

Josh got the keys. His hand is covered in something gross and I can’t hide the smirk that’s growing on my face.

“The things we do for love, am I right?” I grin.

“Don’t start, Y/N,” He complains.

“No I mean, fucking respect. Not everyone would do that for their crush.” He shakes his head at my statement, not flattered at all.

“I just wanna find Sam.”

“And I want to get out of here, so let’s go!” I start walking, a new burst of energy going through my veins now that we have the keys.

“I’ll see you around,” He tells Angelica, and I happily wave goodbye while passing.

“Guys!” She says, following us.

“So what’s your plan, then?” Josh looks at me, “You’re leaving too? What about your skates?”

“There’s a store close to my old neighborhood, I’ll get a new pair from there.”

“You can’t wait to leave, huh?”

“Same as you,” I frown, “I’m sure anywhere’s better than with a bunch of weirdos.”

“Hey! Just because you’re not as cool doesn’t mean I’m weird” He replies playfully.

“I don’t think so, mister,” I hold to my backpack tighter, getting ready to go out, “I just need to leave this place, this mall has brought me nothing but trouble...”

---------------------------------------

And I wasn’t talking about Triumph or the Jocks only, I was also thinking about that day with Alex:

“How’s that hand?”

“Still smelling like crap.”

“Too bad. Here, take it. My treat,” I give him the icecream cone I bought moments ago, hoping it’ll make him feel better.

“Jee, thanks, Vinchi.”

I smile at the stupid nickname; it was the invention of a ten-year-old Alex that saw my drawing of a butterfly and thought  I was the next big paintor, “like that guy, ’vinchi”. He meant to say Da Vinci, but the other name was funnier so it’s the one that stuck. You know how you’re supposed to hate silly nicknames? Well, even that was impossible when it came from Alex. I liked him too much. 

I liked everything about him, or slightly related to him. Yet, I managed to keep my distance. Why? Cause you don’t get attached to things you cannot have. Alex was dating our friend Stuart. 

Unrequited love is not something I personally enjoy, so is better to stay away from it. And just like unrequited love, if a bunch of rowdy misfits is running in your direction, you run faster and hide.

---------------------------------------

Angelica has been insisting on staying and forming our own tribe. Fucking crazy, right? You’d have to be out of your mind to try to form a tribe with these people. There’s no way I’m trying that.

“Angelica, maybe next time okay?” I look at her over my shoulder, “seriously you don’t want us on your tribe, we’re very dumb and slow.”

“You know that’s a lie.”

“Still, it’s better this way, you don’t need us.”

“Bye-bye Angelica,” Says Josh while opening the exit door.

You know when things are bound to end in tragedy? You get this feeling that it’s going to be one shit after the other, and you’re right, cause that’s all that’s been happening so why would it change, right? Yeah, well I was so excited about leaving that I forgot this was the case.

The same ghoulie that had run off with Josh’s sword on her back was outside the door, she jumps on him and throws him to the floor, Angelica and I jump back in surprise.

“Get off me now! Shit!” 

“Don’t die!” Angelica runs back to get her molotov bombs (because according to her, fire is the only answer) and I’m left with no weapons to defend us.

“Okay! it’s two against one I can do this!” I try to reach the sword but the ghoulie keeps moving and I don’t wanna hurt Josh by accident, “Hold on, I’m trying to get the sword!”

“Try harder!”

“Shut up, I’m saving your life!” I kick the ghoulie’s hip and she doesn’t budge. Josh seems to be having a hard time and I can’t do much without putting myself in danger as well, the sword is halfway out and is dangerously close to his chest. If I make the wrong move, I’ll kill him.

“Fuck! I need a real weapon, hold on!”

I run like hell until I get to the hardware store and my eyes land on the only thing that I feel capable enough to handle. A sledgehammer. Because judging by my record, I’m pretty good at smashing things. I grab it and run back to where Josh is, lifting the tool at shoulder level.

“Here’s Johnny!” 

I swing it hard and hit the ghoulie’s head with full force, she tries to stand up but Eli appears on the other side of the hall exactly where she landed and pulls the sword from her chest only to put it back, this time in her head. She falls like a puppet on the floor.

“Eli?” Josh seems disoriented, I help him stand up.

“You better be worth it,” He replies, handing him the sword and looking at my hammer with a nod of approval.

We run again until we reach the elevator, we find Wesley there, keeping the door closed.

“I can’t hold it!” He screams.

“Let him in!”

Wesley steps back and the door opens harshly, Triumph stepping in like a nightmare. The guys attack but Triumph easily beats them, I swing my hammer but he traps it mid-air and pulls me towards him. I kick his crotch and he barely groans. It’s not enough.

“Hoyles! Man! This does not need to end up in violence!”

Triumph stops and lets go of me, throwing me into the floor. Eli and Josh both pull me far from him, I grab my hammer tightly.

“Wes!” Josh warns him. Triumph is getting close to the boy and I know that he won’t be able to pull it off alone either, Samurai or not, he’s still a kid.

“AHHHHHHHH!” Crumble jumps from the roof of the elevator and attacks Baron Triumph with her bare hands. He easily pushes her away. Crumble stands up slowly, we’re all expectant, not knowing what the hell to do.

And then Crumble raises her hands and starts speaking in what I’m most certain is nonsense in Spanish, but it does the trick: Triumph backs off until he reaches the elevator and closes the gate. Wesley closes the second gate and supports his back against it.

“What the fuck was that?” Asks Josh.

“I wanted to help you,” whispers Crumble.

“How did you get out of the store?”

“I can turn myself into mist,” She explains excitedly, “and then I float through the cracks. Watch!” Then she proceeds to run straight into the elevator’s door and knocks her lights off.

“Outstanding,” I look over to Angelica, “bet you’re really proud of your Ghoulie witch now.” Angelica just smiles back at me.

So... that happened. Thank god it’s over, now I can finally go. But first, I think I’ll take Josh’s word and go shopping one last time.

---------------------------------------

“Thanks again for the icecream.”

“Anytime, Al,” I smile.

“You ‘going home now?”

“I guess, it doesn’t look like anything interesting is about to happen so...”

“Hey, about what you said...” He scratches the back of his neck, “you really think it was heroic?”

“Patty could’ve died. Of course I do,” I answer with full honesty.

“Thanks... I think you’re very heroic too.”

“What?” I laugh, “Dude, I’ve never done anything out of the ordinary.”

“You call out the jocks on their bullshit even if they annoy you afterwards. When Lily got high and was having a bad trip, it was you who took her to the shower and made her threw it up out of her system,” He puts a hand on my shoulder, applying light pressure to it, “You may not be saving the world, but you take care of your people. That’s cool.”

And maybe it’s the sugar rush, maybe it was the way his words sting on my heart or the way the artificial lights inside the mall made his eyes look so shiny. But my feelings for him went through the roof. Exactly like my common sense.

Whatever it was, all I know is that suddenly we were too close, and suddenly we were kissing outside the icecream shop. It lasted only five seconds though, cause then he tried to cup my face with both hands and the smell of dog’s saliva made me step back in disgust.

“Oh my god, what is that dog eating?”

“I’m sorry!” Alex covers his mouth with both hands and regrets it immediately after, grossed out by the smell, “fuck, I need to put on sanitizer.”

“I have to go,” I mumbled in a hurry, walking towards the exit.

“Wait, Y/N!”

“See you on monday, Alex,” I walk faster, almost crashing against a random boy wearing the ugliest reddish pants on earth, seemingly also running for his life.

Don’t. Just don’t. Whatever you have to say, trust me, I already heard it in my head every night for the past six months. I know it was a shitty thing to do, kiss someone else’s boyfriend. My best friend. Who had been dating my other friend for the past four months.

It doesn’t matter that he kept going. It was wrong. “Y/N, you bitch ass liar, you told us none of you ever made a move!”. Joke’s on you, a kiss is not a move if it doesn’t affect on anything after it happens. A kiss is just a kiss. Mine was a huge mistake for sure, but not a love declaration.

Alex and Stuart kept dating and we never mentioned our incident. Not even after he broke up with Stuart two months before the nuke. Not even when he went with me to look for my sister Katie.

---------------------------------------

So how’s that for a move huh? That’s the reason why I’m leaving. Cause it doesn’t matter if you’ve known them for a day, a semester or ten years. I thought that the people I hung with during Highschool would be my tribe during the apocalypse. That we were inseparable. Turns out we weren’t.

Love is weak compared to personal interests and I refuse to be the only idiot that gets attached. No one is worth that much pain. I’m leaving. Best of wishes to Josh and gang of weirdos but I’m out. I’m backing up. Stepping back. I’m-

“Y/N, come here quick! Stupid Josh cut his finger and now I need to get bandages and duct tape! Make sure he doesn’t faint!”

I’m coming into a halt and drop my backpack and weapon to the floor as I’m rushing over to the restrooms.

“He did WHAT?”

Taglist.

@letsbloodmagic​

[neo-culture-mafia]

Older Members: Reaction to Daughter Defending Themselves

Hello my little beans,

This has been in drafts for a while and I think this is actually an awesome idea. I am going to only be doing realistically possible members...so no ‘99 - ‘00 line. Eventually...but not right now. So as you requested I will do Taeil - Jungwoo. I hope you like it and remember to request more if you would like. Also, thank you. I love that you love out blog so much.

Love, ~J

P.S. Since most of the members aren’t super old, I’m not going to make the child like 15 or 16, I’m going to be more realistic with this one and make some of the included members who happen to be younger, have younger kids...if that makes sense (some will have ‘special’ case tho [i.e. adoption, etc.]).

______________

LEE TAEYONG (Had daughter when he was 17 - Single Father - 7 years)

You were literally sitting there, playing angry birds. You had been waiting for your dad to come back from the car. He was in eyesight but he was on the phone with Uncle Yuta so he had to step away so you wouldn’t hear. He sat and watched you from the driver's seat, but he was still too far away for what was about to happen. 

“Hey, little girl.” a man said as he sat next to you. You looked back to see your dad freeze and just stare at you and the man. You turned back to the man with a smile, not wanting to be rude. “Hello, sir.” You said and returned to your game. “I have this really cute puppy in my car if you want to come see.” He said and you shook your head no. “Oh why not?” He asked as he pouted. “Because you’re a stranger...and you’re smelly.” you mumbled. Before you knew it, your phone was snatched from your hands. “Hey!” You yelled and the man took off. “Come and catch me, little girl!” He yelled and you hopped down from the bench. You began to run and try to get your phone back. “You as-” You began screaming, yet strong arms picked you up. “Hey little lady.” Your dad said holding you tightly. “I hope you weren’t going to say what I think you were going to say.” He said as he began walking to the car with you in his arms. “But...he took my phone!” You said pointing to the man. “Yeah, I know. I can get you a new one. There are unlimited phones, but only one of you.”

___________

MOON TAEIL (Acquired daughter when older sister passed after an accident - Single Father [”uncle”] - 13 years)

You both went to the arcade for the day because of the good report you got from school. You took the advantage at this chance to just forget the compound and focus on right now. Even though he was technically an uncle...he was your dad. Your real father had disappeared after your mom passed, so Taeil was all you had left. You were going to ask him today if you could call him dad, so today was a day that would stay in your memory; no matter the outcome.

“You are so gonna lose at air hockey!” He said pushing your shoulder as you both walked into the air-conditioned arcade. “Yeah, sure old man.” You sneered playfully. He held his chest with a fake hurt expression written on his face. “The last one to the air hockey section buys lunch!” You said starting to run through the semi-empty arcade. “I’m the only one who brought money!” He laughed and chased after you. You make it first and are waiting patiently with your hands on your hips. “Oh my gosh, you act just like your mother.” He said ruffling your hair and taking a place at the other end of the table. You smile to yourself and fix your hair. He inserts a token and you both play 2 rounds before you go to the racing games. “Hey, can I ask you something?” You said, getting ready for rejection. “Yeah...but can I go to the bathroom first?” He asked and you nodded. “Of course. I’ll just wait here.” You said and he nodded, running off. 

“...y/n...?” Someone questions. You turn around looking for the source. It was a man around Taeil’s age. “May I help you?” You asked, pausing the game. “I just have been looking for you for so long,” he said walking over and bringing you in for a hug. “it’s me...your dad? Don’t you remember me?” He asked as he held you in his arms and looked down at you. “D-dad?” You questioned. “I have waited so long to hear you say that.” He smiled holding you close again. “Let’s go get some food and catch up!” He said grabbing your wrist and pulling you away. “Wait...no.” You said, coming back to your senses. “No. Let go!” You said hitting his wrist. But he regripped your arms and pulled with all his might. “Stop! Come on. You’re coming with me.” He said pulling harder. “No. Dad!” You screamed for help. “What?” Two people asked at the same time. You looked back and saw Taeil standing there. With one final tug from you, you were free from your father and running into the arms of Taeil. He held you and put you behind him. “Get the hell out of here.” Taeil seethed, looking at the man who claimed you as his own. “Not without her.” He said trying to come closer. You gripped onto Taeil. “Don’t make me go.” You squeezed your eyes shut. “You’re not leaving.” He comforted you, bringing you in his arms. “Leave. Before I get someone down here to make you leave like I did the last time you tried showing up in her life. She wants to find you? That’s different. But I’m not going to allow you to come in her life when you were the one who walked away in the first place.” Taeil said and the sorry man just gave up. 

“You okay?” He asked and you nodded, making sure the man already left. “Yeah.” You mumbled. “Okay, good...” he said ruffling your hair and pinching your cheek slightly. “When you were calling for ‘dad’...did you mean me?” He asked and you nodded after a moment. “If you don’t like that, I won’t call you th-” “I would be honored if you would.” He said and you just looked at him and smiled. You hugged him tightly. “Thanks, dad.” 

___________

SEO JOHNNY (Mom was going to put you up for adoption if he didn’t take you - Single Father - 8 years)

You waited outside of your dance studio that had become a second home outside of the compound. Your phone rang and you quickly answered it seeing as it was your dad. “Hey, dad.” You cheered. “Hey, baby. I’m going to be a couple minutes late. I’m on my way, I’m just stuck in traffic.” He said. “Alright. I’ll wait right here.” You cheered. “Okay.” He said and you hung up. 

You pop your earbuds in and just listen to random music until someone ripped your earbud out. You look up and the man suddenly slapped you. He grabbed you as your phone fell to the ground. You start kicking and screaming. He was still running for a while until you realized that you could easily take this dude down. You start laying your knees into his ribs. He gripped your thighs so you couldn’t move your legs. You put your mouth close to his neck and bit down hard. He screamed, dropping you and grabbing his neck. He tried kicking you so you wouldn’t move, but you were quicker than he was. You got up and ran as fast as your little legs could take you back to where you were supposed to be picked up. You couldn’t help the tears roll down your face as you heard the steps of the man behind you. 

You got back to the studio to see your dad looking around as he held your phone. “Dad!” You screamed getting his attention. He saw you and began to run towards you. “Car. Now.” He yelled and you ran past him and to the car. You got in the passenger’s seat, and curled up, not wanting to see your dad get violent. You grabbed his phone and called your bestest friend, Chenle. He answered. “Yes, hyun-” “Le le.” You cried. “Oh, y/n...what’s wrong sweetpea?” You stayed on the phone until your dad got in the car with your phone in hand. 

He began driving, rubbing your back lightly to calm you down. “I am so proud of you y/n. You did what I taught you and you didn’t give up.”

___________

NAKAMOTO YUTA  (Adopted - Single Father - 14 years) [this one will be a little different]

You haunted his dreams and every waking moment. Your screams for help ringing in his ears. You both were having fun, he turns back and he’s hit with something over the head. He watches as a group of men drag you away from him as he lies helplessly on the ground. Your inner child shone through as you yelled for ‘daddy’, trying to call for Yuta and the feeling of safeness he brought with him. “Please...get up!” You cried as they tied a scarf around your eyes. 

You were thrown in a car, continuously hit until you passed out from crying too hard. You woke up, wishing they put a bullet through your head already. They had reverted you to your younger self again; the you at the orphanage. You became quiet, docile, and childlike. You only spoke small sentences to the men who came in every hour or so. You just wanted your dad at this point, and he just wanted you home again. Most people from Seoul flew into Osaka to help him stay on his feet. 

Yet, when the men realized you really weren’t going to say anything, they decided to give you back. 

Yuta sat at the large meeting table with everyone sitting around him. “You just have to be at your A gam-” Taeyong was cut off by one of Yuta’s henchmen running in with a phone. “It’s y/n.” he said and Yuta just snatched the phone away from him. “Y/n...hello?” he called, holding onto the small electrical device. “Dad?” You asked and Yuta fell back into his seat, the tears coming into his eyes. “Are you okay?” Was all that came out of his mouth. “Yes-I have to go they’re coming.” You said and there was a whoosh on the other side of the phone. Your screams were the only thing that was heard. “No! Don’t touch her!” Yuta yelled, but he knew he couldn’t do anything. “Osaka bridge. 5 o’clock tonight. We’ll trade her for you.” Was all the man said before hanging up. 

“We...can surprise attack them or something. You can’t just...go.” Taeyong tried reasoning with Yuta as they rolled up to the bridge. “No. I’m going to do this. They want me...and I...I just want y/n to be safe.” was all that Yuta said as he put the car in park. Everyone got out and waited at the car. They were parked at the bottom of the bridge, and they all watched the bridge in anticipation for the car that would bring you home again. 

Eventually, the car rolled up, and men hopped out with you in their arms. You were still blindfolded and you looked broken...but alive. Yuta de-armed himself, putting his gun on the hood of his car. “We’ll get you,” Taeyong said, looking at Yuta then the rest of the men who could only agree with the head boss. “We’ll get you back and you guys will be a happy family again.” Taeyong said and Yuta just chuckled, nodding his head. 

He looked back up to the bridge where you were awaiting your freedom for the exchange of his. He knew he wouldn’t be coming back...and Taeyong knew that too. Taeyong just didn’t want to admit it that Yuta was doing that voluntarily - by choice of his judgment. “Just...make sure she’s happy.” Yuta said and Taeyong could only nod in defeat. 

Yuta walked up the bridge, savoring every step of freedom he had. Once halfway up the bridge, your blindfold was taken off. “Daddy!” You screamed and once you were released, you sprinted as fast as you could to Yuta who was savoring this as a bitter-sweet feeling. 

You hobbled the last few steps, digging your face into his chest and sobbing for pure joy. “Are you okay?” He asked as he took your face in his hands. You smiled through the pain and just nodded as you were happy to be in his arms again. 

The men motioned for Yuta to hurry up. “I want you to go to Taeyong and the other boys down there.” Yuta said pointing to the car at the bottom of the bridge. “But-” “I’ll be home soon. I’ll be okay.” He reassured you, but he didn’t say what home he’ll be going to. You just nodded, not realizing that this was it. 

“Cheer up. I’ll come to see you soon.” He pinched your cheek softly. You nodded, hugging him one last time before running to the car. 

Yuta watched as you got in the car and Taeyong drove away with you who would believe the world ended in happiness and rainbows. Yuta breathed in the last breath of freedom before he continued his walk of shame. Guns were drawn as he raised his arms in surrender. He walked close and eventually was in custody. 

He was thrown in the car, without restraints or blindfold. The men felt bad for him; giving him one last taste of life before it was all over soon. He leaned his head against the window as he reminisced the best moments of life. When he first brought you home...when you called him dad for the first time...when you told him you loved him for the first time. He was just proud you survived this long...especially in a world like this where it seemed that nothing was fair.

Yet he remembered everything he didn’t do yet. He never said he loved you back...but he loved you with all his heart. He would never be able to walk you down the aisle...and he would never be able to comfort you after your first heartbreak. 

He sighed, closing his eyes and smiling to himself while tears rolled down his face. 

Yet, he didn’t know what to do because he knew that you would be sitting up all night waiting for him to get back. 

...and he was never coming back...

__________

QIAN KUN (In a relationship where his S/O had a child from the previous relationship - Married - 11 years)

He thought you were fine. You were just in your room reading and listening to music. Your mom had gone to work for the day like usual and you were just chilling with your dad. Yet, you were acting really weird today so he let you have your space, getting ready to have a heart to heart with you in a little bit. He already had a drink and snack in hands, ready to leave the room with you after the talk and go make dinner with him; ready for when your mom when she came home. 

He walked down the hallway, humming to himself before standing in front of your closed door. He stopped when he heard a muffled thud. “Get the fuck off of me.” He heard you struggle. He dropped the snack and kicked the door in. He saw you struggling on the bed with a man in a mask. Your dad didn’t waste time in walking over; but before he reached the both of you, you had kneed the man in the no-no area and he groaned, slapping you roughly. You gasped and Kun grabbed the man by the hair. He pulled the man up and you got up with him. “Fuck.” The man sighed as soon as he was met with Kun’s angry expression. 

“Why is she so strong? I’ve been trying to get her out of this damn bed for like...5 minutes now.” The man struggled to get to you as you stood in a cocky stance on your bed. “Because she’s my daughter.” Kun said before headbutting the man. The man dropped to the ground. Your dad made sure the man was knocked out cold before he clutched his own forehead. “I haven’t done that in years.” He said as you hopped off the bed. “That was so cool.” You pointed to your dad and the man at the same time. “Yeah, for you maybe.” Kun chuckled as you both stared at the brawny man who laid on the ground unconscious. “5 minutes?” Kun questioned you after a moment of silence and you nodded. “The rock flew through the window and I already knew I wouldn’t be able to get to you in time. I gripped onto my headboard and got ready. He was really strong too.” You sighed, rubbing your wrists where the man had pulled on you. 

“Well, I’m proud of you.” Your dad said as he put an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer - laying a kiss on your forehead. “But now...” He sighed looking at the man and then the broken window and broken glass. “How are we going to explain this to your mother?” 

(KUN. IS. THE. ULTIMATE. DAD. DON’T FIGHT ME ON THIS)

__________

KIM DOYOUNG (Had daughter when he was 16 - Single Father - 6 years)

“I’m gonna find you.” Doyoung cooed, looking around a corner as he followed the sound of your giggling. “And when I do you’re gonna meet the tickle monster.” He said and you laughed. You rounded the corner of the playground that was full of other kids. “Catch me if you can.” You called as you hid with your back to the wall.

Doyoung crept next to the wall where you were hiding behind. Yet, when he turned to scare you, you were missing from your place. He looked around for a split second as a slight panic set in over his mind...before a loud groan was heard throughout the play area. Doyoung ran and saw you looking down at the man who was cupping his manhood from any further violation and pain. Your dad swept you up into his arms, straightening your clothes out and planting a kiss on your forehead. “You okay, princess?” He asked. “I’ll be okay.” The man said from the ground. You and your dad slowly looked at each other, and then to the ground where the mean man laid. 

Doyoung rolled his eyes as he carried you away from the man and back to the car. “You did that to the man?” He asked, and you just nodded as you had a look of guilt on your face - expecting to get yelled at for hurting someone. All that came was your dad's open palm. You looked up at him with a confused expression. He just smiled at your solemn expression “High touch?” 

TEN (Adoption - Single - 14 years [ he is more of an older brother than a dad honestly])

“So...what are we getting for dinner?” He asked from the other side of the couch. “I don’t know. You’re the adult. Think of something.” You snarked back. He groaned, throwing his head back on the couch. “But...that’s too much work.” He said and you chuckled. “You’re the girl here. Why aren’t you in the kitchen making food?” He asked, and that sent you flying from the couch. “Excuse me?” You stood with your hands at your waist. He smiled. “I was joking, but while you’re up, can you run down to the chicken place and pick up the usual? I would...but you’re already up.” He said. You rolled your eyes, walking around the couch but not before flicking his forehead violently. 

“Hey!” He said rubbing his forehead. You stuck your tongue out at him as you slipped your shoes on. “I’ll be back.” You said throwing on one of his sweatshirts and walking out of the house. 

You walked down the semi-dark street as you daydreamed by yourself. You stepped next to an alley, and the next thing you remember was opening your eyes in the back of a car being driven by people you didn’t know. 

You tried brushing the hair out of your face, but your hands were bound. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” You whined. It was already completely dark outside. “Is she awake?” The driver asked. “Yeah, boss.” A man next to you said. “Oh, well you just told me all I need to know.” You scoffed. “My dad will beat all of your asses by the time he finds you.” You confidently said. “And how will he find you, if we already have your phone?” The man asked. “No need to be asking questions.” And your cocky tone was met with a harsh slap. You turned yourself upside down in the seat and kicked the driver with one fight and the other man with the other. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You walked in to see Ten still in the position as when you left 6 hours ago. “Hello?!” You screamed, flailing your handcuff bound wrist and bloody wrist. He turned over and looked at your deteriorated state. “Where were you?! Men captured me and drove me halfway to Busan! I saved...myself!” You yelled. “Oh...” He said looking at you up and down. “I was waiting for my chicken.” He said and you rolled your eyes, stomping to your room. You slammed the door but still heard him. “So that’s a no for the chicken?”

________

JUNG JAEHYUN (Adopted you because your father wasn’t in the picture when he first your mom - Married - 14 years)

You and your dad had actually gotten into a fight the morning you had left for school. He wanted you to wear a sweater, but you wanted to leave and putting on a sweater would take up your time. Then you called him immature so he called you a brat. It ended up with you walking yourself to school. 

You were now walking yourself home because you told your dad you didn’t want him to drive you. That was a bad idea and you realized that as soon as you noticed the car following you. You began to walk quickly but as you did that, it cut you off on a corner, and a man with a knife hopped out. “Come with us.” He grabbed your upper arm that would have been protected by a sweatshirt. “No. Let go.” You said hitting the mans hand. He looked at the man in the driver's seat as he nodded. He pulled you hard but once he realized you weren’t going anywhere, he cut your arm and hopped back in the van. You decided to be a smart ass as you took out your phone and took a picture of the license plate. The van broke hard and started reversing. 

You put your phone away and you began sprinting. Your lungs were on fire and begging for you to stop, but you cut across parks and other people’s lawns as you ended up on your front porch. You kicked the door in and ran into the kitchen where your mother was preparing dinner. “Mom.” You cried, burying your head in her chest. “Y/N! What happened to your arm?!” She asked holding you and examining your opened arm. “Where’s dad?” You sobbed, just wanting him to protect you. “In the shower. What. Happened.” She continued. You heard tires screech in front of the house. You left her and went to close the front door that hinges were now splayed across the living room floor. You saw the same van drive off, but you still barricaded yourself against the broken door. 

You clutched your injured arm, your school shirt now stained red. Your mom ran in, yelling: “Jae! Emergency!” She screamed up the stairs. You heard a door slam and footsteps coming down the hall. “Give me your arm.” Your mom said as she held a damp cloth. You whimpered, shaking your head and turning your body away from her. Your dad came down the steps with damp hair and a bulge on his hip (ON HIS HIP LADIES, CALM DOWN, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY SITUATION. FOCUS.). “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”  He asked jumping the last few steps and landing crouched in front of you. 

“She came in with a cut up arm, and she was asking for you.” Your mom shrugged, moving the hair from your face. He took his gun off his hip and set it down next to him. “What happened baby, you have to tell us.” He said gently grabbing your hand so he could see your arm. “I...I was walking home. And-and these men cut me off. Then a guy, he hopped out.” You took a breath. “And he tried to-he tried to get me in the van. I wouldn’t go so he cut me.” You said finally getting enough courage to look at the wound. When you saw it still gushing, you couldn’t take your eyes away. “Don’t look at that.” Your dad said as he gently brought your attention to his face instead. 

“Do you remember what the men looked like?” he asked and you nodded your head. “I also got a pic-picture of the license plate.” You said and he smiled. “Good job.” He pinched your cheek lightly. “We need to get this disinfected.” Your mom said motioning to your arm. You hugged your arm to your chest more, shaking your head. “Come on. We have to.” Jae said standing up. He motioned a hand out to you and you slowly accepted it. He pulled you up and lead you to the downstairs bathroom. 

You sat on the counter as he took out stuff to fix you up. Before he could even begin, you wrapped your non-messed up arm around him and hugged him. He gladly accepted the hug. “What’s this for?” He asked you curiously. “Earlier. I’m sorry I’m a brat, and I called you immature...and I broke the door.” You sighed. “Just thank-you for caring.” You said and he chuckled. “You’re not a brat. We both said stuff that was mean. So I apologize too.” He said pinching your cheek. “And even though you’re older; you’re still my little girl. I would care about you even if you didn’t want me too.”

___________

Dong Sicheng (Winwin) (Had daughter when he was 16 - Single Father - 6 years)

You were picked up by uncle Kun and uncle Yangyang. Your dad was doing something important so he couldn't come himself to pick you up from school. You knew it was serious because he usually never leaves you to come home with anyone but him. “Are you hungry?” Uncle Yangyang asked and you nodded your head quickly with a huge smile on your face. Kun held candy out in front of you while Yangyang held a juice box. “Thank you!” You happily said as you took them both in each hand. 

You all walked to the park where your dad would be meeting you guys. “Don’t step on the cracks!” You scolded your uncle Kun. “Yeah, Kun. Don’t step on the cracks!” Yangyang helped you. “I’m sorry, y/n.” Kun pinched your cheek quickly. He looked up to Yangyang where he hit him on the back of the head. “You just need to shut up.” He said and you laughed at the two men fighting. Yet, they were fighting too much to realize that a man had come by and swept you up in their arms. 

As they ran down the alley, you remember what your daddy had told you. “Aim for the eyes.” You whispered and turned towards the man while still staying in his arms. You brought your hands up and push on the man's eyes. He gargled, smacking your hands away. Yet, he pushed you off of him as he tumbled holding his eye sockets. He tumbled and hit his head on the ground, passing out completely. 

“Then after...wait for an uncle or me to come get you. We won’t be far from you. But you have to stay put.”

You groaned as you stood up, being covered in some dirt and mud from falling into a puddle. You hid your hands in your sweatshirt and looked down the alley to see no one. The man started groaning and tossing in his sleep as you got scared. Your eyes quickly filling with tears. “Uncle! Daddy!” You cried, wanting to be at the park already. Your snacks were now long gone and you were scared. The more you called for someone, the more the man woke up. Then before you knew it, you saw your dad coming down one way and your uncles coming down the other. You didn’t know who to run to, but you were brought out of your trance when the mean man pinned your small body against the brick of the building. You screamed from the suddenness and you just saw the man being pulled off by your uncle Kun. Your dad picked you up, and you let the tears flow. 

You grip onto your dad’s shoulders and didn’t look at anything else. “It’s okay baby.” He hushed. You heard groans from the man and obvious punches and kicks. Your dad fumbled for something on his hip. “No. It’s okay. Don-don’t hurt people.” You said holding his face with your small hands. He sighed, wiping your rosy cheeks of tears. “It will be quick. He won’t feel anything.” He said and you began crying again, diving back into the familiar shoulder. You felt your dad lean closer as the familiar sound of the gun cocked itself back.

“Sing for me, sweetheart.”

__________

KIM JUNGWOO (Had daughter when he was 16 - Married - 5 years)

You and your father are the pride of the family’s cuteness. You got all your cuteness from him. Your mother says you got everything from your dad. Your cuteness, innocence, pure heart and your stubbornness. You and your dad are usually inseparable and whenever one of your uncles need to unwind, they’ll go to you to play and let go f their stress; believing that this world was still full of innocence and peace. You were a prime example of it. Yet, you were still stubborn. If you didn’t wanna hear something, you flipped your hair and walked the other direction. Yet, it would get to you later on and become a cry baby. 

“Cry baby! Cry baby!” The older boys taunted you on the playground. “Am not!” You screamed back. “Yes you are, go cry to your daddy or something. This place is only for the best kids.” He said and pulled your hair. Your eyes pooled with tears and you ran away from the prk. You totally left your mom and dad sitting on the bench while you cried your eyes out. When you finally stopped and looked around and realised you were a long way from the park. 

As if someone read your mind, someone touched your shoulder. You looked back to see a woman. “Sweetie, are you lost?” She asked, and you nodded as you rubbed your eyes. “Here, how about you hop in my car and we could go back to the park?” She asked and you nodded. You followed inside her car and you sat up front. 

You drove a little bit and you noticed you had passed the park. “Wait...how did you know I was at the park?” You asked and she smirked. She reached below her seat and pulled out a gun, pointing it at you. Yet, you grabbed the gun and pointed it right back at her. She was definetley taken by surprise at your actions. “Take. Me. Back. Now.” You said and she rolled her eyes. 

“Huh...I wonder what would happen if I pressed this button.” You said, already knowing that your dad called it a ‘trigger’. “Okay okay fine.” she said screeching to the side of the road. She snatched the gun from your hands, and threw it in the backseat. You crossed your arms and cocked an eyebrow. “Go and tell your Daddy that Diana is waiting for him.” She said. “Yeah sure whatever.” You replied. 

“Just get out brat.” She said and you got out, running in the direction of the park. You eventually got to your parents where you told your dad the message. “Wait, you acted like that and she still let you go? Surprising. Good job baby girl.” He pinched your cheek, and was met with an abrupt slap to the back of the head by your mom. “If she continues to act like you, she’s gonna get herself killed.”

[perscinnamon]

BONSAI!

    1. Everett

Sometimes, it's a simple answer found in your own home.

1999; a year of restless anticipation and empty grocery stores, a considerable population of gym rats and game shows and the bitter smell of black coffee through the suburbs of Everett, Washington.

The world was coming to an end as we knew it according to David Eddy and McGraw-Hill which, to Mark, seemed fucking ridiculous. But, what did he know? He was too busy trying to keep his joint together, bits of weed falling between his shaking fingers. He had woken up at exactly six-thirty for the past month and a half so he could clamber his way to the upstairs bathroom, the only one in his house with a window, to smoke before school. He knew his parents slept in unless it was Sunday. He also knew that they didn't know the difference between the smell of incense and the smell of weed.

When he was finally able to assemble his joint, sticking his tongue out a bit to lick both sides and stick them together, he sighed in relief.

He grabbed his lighter off of the counter and put the toilet seat down, climbing up on top of it to unlock the window and push it open.

Mark leaned each elbow on either side of the windowsill, lighting his joint and taking a deep inhale. He watched the cloud of smoke as it left his mouth.

He liked this feeling; the cold fall breeze nipping at his skin as his heart fluttered in his chest and his head felt light, the high settling in quickly.

The sun was just starting to rise. Of course, Mark couldn't actually see this since he was facing the West, but he watched with sleep in his eyes as the sky slowly lit up, cascading the neighboring houses in a blurry coat of morning sun.

Yeah, he liked this. He liked this a lot.

That is, until the sharp sound of a car horn in his driveway jolted him from his weed-induced reverie.

"Ah— Ow, what the fuck..." Mark groaned in pain, holding his head where he had hit it on the top of the windowsill.

He leaned over as far as he could, looking past his roof to find exactly who he'd expected.

Johnathan Suh, a lanky 22-year-old sitting in a bright red 1987 Corvette Convertible was grinning smugly up at Mark, his long arm swung over the passenger-side headrest. Mark had known Johnathan for as long as he could remember, the Suh family were regulars at their church.

"What do you want?" Mark croaked from his bathroom window, joint still in his right hand.

"What do you think? I'm driving you to school!" Johnathan yelled back, not bothering to consider the fact that it was 6AM in a sleeping neighborhood.

"Why?" Mark said, taking a hit from his joint.

"Because your parents don't trust you after last weekend. They trust me, so hurry or I'm leaving." Johnny said with an impatient hand gesture.

Mark exhaled dramatically, flicking the stub of his joint off the roof and hopping down from the toilet seat. He glanced at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and ran a hand through his messy hair, his cross pendant flashing around his neck as it caught the dim bathroom lights.

He was clad in a pair of navy blue boxers that hung at his hip bones as he made his way to his room, pushing the door open and reaching for his dresser drawer. He managed to throw on a pair of black trousers and his wool uniform sweater, a pair of mismatched socks on both feet as he took two steps at a time down the carpeted stairs. He grabbed the pair of P.F. Flyer's he kept by the welcome mat and his black Jansport backpack, making sure not to slam the door behind him as he padded to Johnathan's car.

"Took you long enough." Johnathan said, wearing that same grin he always seemed to have plastered on his face. Mark shook his head with a soundless chuckle, hopping over the passenger door and throwing his bag in the backseat.

"Buckle up, kiddo. I don't want another ticket under my belt. I got pulled over last week because one of my taillights were out. One!" Johnathan exclaimed with frustration, still grinning, as he pulled out of Mark's driveway and cruised down the street.

"I mean... That's still illegal." Mark said, his voice still relatively hoarse with sleep as he pulled on his shoes.

Johnathan's car was definitely a hand-me-down, given to him by his uncle with a rearview mirror missing and three flat tires. He managed to clean it up decently enough but it never seemed to be the kind of car he could see Johnny in. Mark could see him in some 1970s Shaggin' Wagon. Or an Achieva.

"Yeah, but, like, the car is ol— Wait, you're one to talk about legality!" Johnny said as he slowed at a stop sign, throwing a quick peace sign up at the Nissan Quest passing us.

"It was one time, Johnny." Mark said with a frown. Here we go again...

Johnathan had been grilling Mark incessantly for his recent drunken fiasco the previous Saturday since their parents spoke about it at church Sunday morning.

"Dude, yeah, two days ago. How did you even manage to get ahold of a bottle of wine near a Jewish holiday? They buy that shit up every Shabbat." Johnny said with a chuckle, pulling on to 41st St. past the cemetery.

"I got it from Paul's. I managed to get out of there before he opened up a can on Jacob's brother. That's why I was driving so fast, I wasn't even that drunk!" Mark explained hastily, looking out at the passing headstones. Some were in the shapes of crosses or angels or hearts. It would suck to be buried in Everett, Mark thought as they drove by in a blur.

"If you pull some shit like that you're in for it, Markie-boy. Your dad doesn't play around. I'm actually surprised he didn't ground you." Johnny said calmly, turning right on to Rucker Ave, past the Safeway Fuel Station.

Mark shrugged, bored of the conversation topic as he rested his chin in his palm. He hated when Johnny ruined his high like this, especially when he talked about his dad.

He loved Johnny like a brother and for a Tacotime employee that carved wood into spoons and smoked Nutmeg in his free time, he was a pretty cool guy.

He could also be totally overbearing.

As they pulled into the roundabout at the front of Mark's school, he faced Johnny with ruffled hair and a pink nose.

"Could you pick up a gram or two for me later? I'm gonna be at Hyuck's."

Johnny hesitated for a moment, rubbing his forehead with a sigh.

"Fine, now get out of my car." Johnny said with a playful shove to Mark's shoulder.

Mark grinned winningly before getting out and grabbing his backpack, turning around to say one last thing.

"Pick me up at two."

"Three."

"Two-thirty?"

"Whatever, go to class."

Mark chuckled, walking towards the school with his untied P.F Flyer's, his laces swinging around his feet angrily as he shoved both hands in the pockets of his trousers.

He didn't mind this place. For a stuffy private catholic school covered in brick and vine, it wasn't too bad.

It was the kids that were the worst.

He liked a few of the student's at St. Pius School. He liked his friends and, although he didn't talk to the girls too much, he definitely liked looking at them.

As he made his way up the front steps, he caught sight of a Bully Piston bike racing by him. He watched it screech to a halt in front of the bike-racks.

"Hey, Hyuck!" Mark called from the top of the stairs.

Hyuck turned around as he was locking up his bike, a grin on his face as he flashed a peace sign, rushing up to Mark and shoulder-checking him.

Mark stumbled back with a laugh and shoved Hyuck with his elbow as they made their way through the double-doors.

"How've you been, bud? Heard you knocked over the Bailey's mailbox last weekend."

Mark grunted, rolling his eyes.

"Can people stop bringing that up? It's been, like, almost a week."

"I haven't been here to press you about it. Also it's Monday." Hyuck said nonchalantly, stretching his arms over his head as he nodded to a giggling group of girls to their right.

"Where've you been, anyways?"

"Out."

"Out where?" Mark asked again as they approached his locker. He rotated the lock carefully, silently mouthing his combination numbers.

"My dad's." Hyuck said, leaning his shoulder up against the locker next to Mark's.

Mark frowned. He knew about Hyuck's situation with his parent's recent divorce but didn't know it would resort to him being taken away for an entire weekend.

"That's dumb."

"I know." Hyuck said, ruffling his dark curls with his hand as he watched the students around them waste time before they had to head to morning mass.

"I'm coming to your place later, right?" Mark asked, glancing at Hyuck before putting a binder in his backpack and slamming his locker door shut.

"Yeah. I might have a few people over Friday if you wanna stop by to pregame." Hyuck said, yawning.

"Maybe. I'll see how my dad's feeling."

"Kate might be there."

"Oh- Okay." Mark said after a minute, not really knowing how to reply to this statement. Kate was a pretty blonde that sat on the other side of his Psych classroom in third period.

"Don't be weird about it, Mark. I'm trying to get you laid." Hyuck said with a low chuckle, playfully bumping Mark with his arm.

Mark rolled his eyes.

"Thats all you think about, Hyuck."

The bell rang.

Hyuck shrugged.

"I like to have fun, can't blame me."

**

Morning mass was always a slow process, all the students gathering into Ardolf Hall at an irritatingly slow pace. The stress of having to find his friends in the pews before looking like a loner was too nerve-racking for Mark. That's why he avoided it.

He had ditched Hyuck to go to the bathroom and separated himself from the usual crowd of people that we're headed towards the double doors of the school chapel five minutes ago, heading down the empty hallway with his head down, staring at the floor pattern and stepping from one green tile to the next.

The boy's bathroom was always pretty gross, in every sense of the word, but there wasn't anywhere else to get away.

Mark walked in, scrunching his nose at the smell as he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, eyes red, lips chapped, face pale. He sighed in frustration at his appearance before dragging his eyes down, towards the stall directly behind the mirror.

Mark shrieked and jumped back, scaring the girl sitting on the toilet behind him who let out an almost identical yell.

"What the hell?!"

"Damnit." The girl said as she stared at the coke on the floor that she had previously been forming into a neat white line on top of her Economics textbook.

They stayed like that for a bit, the girl sitting on the closed toilet seat with a textbook on her lap and her coke dusting the tiled floor, Mark leaning up against the sink with wide eyes.

"Wh— What are you—"

Heavy footsteps drew closer outside the bathroom door.

"Sh." The girl said, holding her hand to her mouth cautiously.

They came closer, a hand reaching for the bathroom door and swinging it open.

The girl peeked past the stall door and her shoulders relaxed, lunging towards the boy that had just entered the room and hitting his shoulder.

"Christ, Duffy! You almost gave me a heart-attack." The girl said with furrowed eyebrows.

"Not my fault you're so damn jumpy all the time."

Mark stood there awkwardly, his cheeks bright red.

"Since when are you buds with Mark." The guy, Duffy, said to her, gesturing his head towards Mark with a raised eyebrow.

Mark scratched the back of his neck, pushing off of the sink he had been leaning against.

"I'm not. He walked in and scared me shitless." She said, glancing back at him.

"I'm just gonna go. Sorry." Mark said, inching past the couple slowly.

"Hold on. What are you doing over here, anyways?" Duffy said, a look of suspicion on his face. The girl stood behind him, arms crossed.

Reid "Duffy" Durbin was a notorious presence at St. Pius. He was a self-proclaimed DJ and if he wasn't hosting a party he would show up anyways, always with a baggie full of pills nobody bothered identifying as they scarfed them down. He sported a bristly excuse for a go-tee and a patchy buzzcut. He and Mark didn't really run in the same crowd, although Duffy and Hyuck were pretty tight.

Mark didn't really have an excusable answer so he just shrugged.

"Just getting some air..."

"Not much air to get in here." The girl said with a chuckle.

Duffy groaned in annoyance, "Okay, I hate to be an ass, but... Mark, can you leave? I'm trying to run a business here." He said this as he held up a baggie of what Mark assumed was more coke.

The girl crossed her arms anxiously.

"Um, yeah... Okay. Sorry." Mark said with hesitation, reaching for the door handle and pulling it open.

**

His strange interaction that morning had killed his high and left him drowsy for the remainder of the day, forcing him to watch the clocks at the front of his classrooms as the hand spun clockwise in repetitive circles.

Mark thought about the run in with Duffy and coke-head girl all day, half humiliation and half curiosity. Since when does Duffy sell coke? He had always been just a friendly neighborhood weed plug.

It was weird, but Mark didn't think much of it as he waited by the bike-racks while Hyuck unlocked his bike.

"Isn't Johnathan picking you up?"

"Yeah, but not until two-thirty. I'll probably wait in the library until he gets here."

"You can just hitch a ride with me, you know." Hyuck said as he walked his bike down the sidewalk, Mark following beside him.

"Yeah, but he's bringing bud."

Hyuck made a face that indicated that he understood Mark's rationale.

"Fair enough," Hyuck mounted his bike, "see you at my place, then!"

Mark nodded and waved, watching Hyuck race off, dodging a mini van pulling into the roundabout. It honked at him and he gave it the finger.

Mark snorted at the exchange and turned back towards the school, kicking a half-eaten apple core lying on the sidewalk.

He kept his head down the entire way to the library, kicking acorn tops and stones, stepping over the cracks in the sidewalk instinctively.

Step on a crack, break your mother's back.

**

Mark made his way into the library, the smell of dust and paper overwhelming. There were a few people sitting at the wooden tables in the middle of the room, books or lined paper spread out in front of them. A few people sat at the computer desks at the back as the librarian piled books on a rolling medal cart.

He took a seat on the floor in a back aisle near the history books where nobody ever bothered going. He stretched his legs out and unzipped his backpack, pulling out the book he had been reading for his English class. The Crucible.

The only thing he could hear in the room was the occasional sound of the printer going off or someone coughing.

A kid stepped over him to reach for an obnoxiously heavy Civil War book, a thick History packet in his hand as he eyed Mark and walked off, scuffed Nike's shuffling against the dirty carpet.

Mark had been reading for almost fifteen minutes, his tailbone already aching, when he heard the doors to the library slam shut. He jumped and looked up and around, only seeing the aisles of books that surrounded him.

His eyes, wide as ever, scanned the area as he got up with a grunt, creeping away from the history books and towards the middle of the room, the hair on his arms standing up.

As he approached the middle of the library, he realized he was alone. Not one person reading a book at the wooden tables, nobody typing away at the clunky old computers in the back desks, not even the librarian with her dusty medal cart stacked with books.

"Hello?"

He stood there as his voice's muffled echo filled the room.

And suddenly, it was dark.

[eldritchsurveys]

768.

Why did you last feel like crying? >> When I checked my bank account because I was trying to decide whether to get HBO Max or not, and I discovered that my stimulus check is coming on Wednesday. I’m just really relieved, lmao. Had just about resorted to convincing myself that I wasn’t going to get one at all. But now I can get some stuff I need but can’t normally afford!

How long ago and why did you last feel infuriated? >> I don’t remember. It probably had to do with people making noise.

Do emotions control you or do you control your emotions? >> Er. Well, here’s the thing -- on a good day, when I’m not having Symptoms Of Disorders, my emotions can be pretty manageable, or at least my management of them can feel pretty competent and compassionate. On the other days, my emotions can be a fucking game of Minesweeper where all the squares have mines in them. Except one. One square has 100 mines in it. The probability of stepping on that square is like 80%. So.

Do you keep your friends secrets/private information to yourself? >> Well, yes, if that sort of thing was shared with me.

What negative quality do your friends bring up the most? >> I... don’t think I’d like to be friends with people who have a habit of bringing up “negative” things about me.

What quality do you think you have that others don't think you do? >> I don’t know, I haven’t taken a poll or anything.

Do you often "jump" to conclusions? >> I mean, maybe. I don’t know how often I do it but it’s probably the average amount.

Do you find being alone with strangers scary, interesting or indifferent? >> That definitely depends on the context of the situation.

Do you think you know a lot about the world? >> No, because I don’t.

What about the world do you wish you never found out? >> ---

Do you know first aid? >> Not really, mostly because I’ve rarely had an opportunity to practice it.

Does the sight of blood make you feel sick? >> Not as a rule.

Does your first name have an L in it? >> No.

Middle name have a C in it? >> No.

Last name have a R in it? >> No.

Do your initials spell a legitimate word? If so, what? >> No, they don’t. But Sparrow’s spells “SAD” and that’s pretty funny.

The word above, does it have any connection to you at all? >> I mean, she is on antidepressants.

Do you prefer classic rock or nope alternative? >> Nope alternative???? I don’t know if that’s a typo or what but that’s hilarious to me for some reason. Anyway, I listen to both classic rock and alternative.

Do you like Kings of Leon? >> Sure. They’re, like... motel-grunge/motel-rock adjacent. (I can’t be the only person who’s made up that term, for certain kinds of bands. Like Queens of the Stone Age and shit. Sometimes Kings of Leon gives the same vibe, but... cleaner, I guess.)

How about The Script? >> Never heard of them.

Does crying make you feel better? >> Sometimes, but first I have to go through the hell of letting myself cry in the first place.

Do you know a girl called Becca? >> No.

How about a guy called Gregory? >> No. I almost said yes and then I realised I was thinking of Greg Hirsch from Succession. smh

Does someones background effect whether you'll be friends with them or not? >> Their... background? What kind of background are we talking about here?

How about their religious background? >> I mean, I don’t think I could be friends with a fundamentalist evangelical Christian. But most non-fundie versions of religions are okay with me.

If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? >> ---

Do you drink tea and/or coffee every day? >> Nope. It’s almost warm weather time, so I won’t be drinking much tea at all until fall, unless it’s iced.

Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? >> No.

How about a fashion designer? >> Yeah, I used to draw outfits and shit. I still think fashion is a fascinating industry but I want no part of it myself.

Do you wish that magic was real? >> I mean, no, not really. Also, like. I have Inworld. So.

What food would you love to wipe off the face of the earth? >> ---

Can you use a bottle opener? >> Sure.

Do you own a cheese grater? >> Yeah.

What time will it be in 38 minutes time? >> 11.06p EST.

What day/date will it be in 11 days time? >> The 20th of May.

Have you ever owned a pet fish? >> Nope.

Do you prefer fire or ice? >> I have no general preference. They’re both valuable.

Do you rap along with rap songs? >> If I know the lyrics, yeah...

When happy, do you become more talkative? >> Not necessarily. Sometimes I’m happiest in silence.

Bowling or sailing? Why? >> ---

What colour is your kettle? >> Black.

How about your microwave? >> White.

Do you prefer sitting in the front or back of a car? >> It doesn’t matter.

How about in a train? On the bus? >> I have a specific seat I like on the bus. Train, doesn’t matter. (On the subway, I liked sitting in the smallest seats so there’d be less chance of someone sitting next to me. Some of the newer trains have that one-seater that flips up, by the door? Love that seat.

Do you care about politics? >> Fuck no.

Obama or Bush? >> Well, that’s this survey dated.

Blair or Brown? >> ---

When did you last cook something from scratch? >> I don’t remember.

What things make you jealous? >> ---

Are you offended easily by non politically correct language? >> I’m not easily offended, period. Most things I recognise aren’t meant to be taken personally by me, specifically. But obviously I’m leery of the usage of incendiary language -- I’m not going to hang out with someone who throws around racial slurs or mocks people for having feelings about words meant to hurt them, like, duh.

Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right? >> I have no opinion about this, especially not a generalised one.

Do you feel hungry, thirsty, sleepy or none of the above? >> I’m getting tired because it’s around my bedtime.

What's your I.Q? >> ---

What's your Mum's Mum called? How about your Dad's Dad? >> ---

Do you prefer crepes, pancakes or waffles? >> Waffles.

Do you have ice-cream in your fridge right now? >> I think Sparrow still has some in there. Oh, and I still have a few mochi ice cream balls.

How about chicken nuggets? >> No, just fried chicken.

Do you eat fish often? >> Not as often as I’d like.

Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one{s}? >> No.

Do you know anyone who is scared of you? >> I don’t know if anyone’s afraid of me. If someone is, I bet they’re not going to go around telling me about it.

What person who has died would you bring back and why? >> ---

Do you like watermelon? >> Eh. I don’t get the hype.

Can you remember the month of your first kiss? >> ---

Do you make friends easily? >> No.

What makes you different from everyone else? >> Nothing, dude. I mean, I obviously have differences from people I know, or people I might encounter, but not from literally every human on earth.

I give you a piece of paper. What do you draw/write on it? >> ...

What pictures or photos are up in your lounge? >> My what.

Do you like purple and white patterned things? >> Not especially.

Do you know anyone called Pipa? >> No.

I say purple, you think... >> Sparrow, because I think she’d paint the whole world purple if given half a chance.

What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? >> Just, you know. My existence.

Do you like being complimented or does it make you uncomfortable? >> It can make me uncomfortable because of brain shit, but I also appreciate it and will try to express appreciation instead of discomfort.

Does the description of your starsign correspond with your personality? >> No, because the language of astrology as used to describe a person is more complex than just wherever the Sun was when you were born.

Do you have a photo album? >> No.

What artists paintings do you find the most beautiful? >> *shrug*

What about the most disturbing? >> *shrug*

Have you ever gone to a camp or summer school? >> No. I did summer theater once and I’ve gone to day camps.

What was your favourite cartoon as a child? >> Johnny Bravo is the only cartoon I remember watching, tbh. I didn’t get to see a lot of television unless it was the boring ass shit (to a child, anyway) my dad watched.

What was your biggest fear as a child? >> Thunderstorms. Until I hit thirteen and then suddenly I just... wasn’t afraid of them anymore. Don’t ask me how it happened, I really don’t know. (It might have been more gradual than that, of course. Memory is unreliable, especially from that far back.)

Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? >> Breathe underwater. So, you know, I could actually not almost drown for once.

What about invisibility or mindreading? >> Invisibility. I want nothing to do with other people’s minds.

Do you like what you see in the mirror? >> No, which is why I don’t look in the mirror unless it’s necessary.

Which stereotype do you dislike the most? >> All of them??? Stereotypes in general?

Can you remember all your past teachers names? >> I can remember more than I’d expect to remember, but definitely not all of them.

Do you like talent shows? Which ones? >> No.

Have you ever failed an important exam? In what? >> Yeah, I failed the English midterm and final in 11th grade -- well, I say “failed” but it’s more like “I got a zero because I literally turned in a blank sheet of paper”. I... was definitely struggling.

Do you find people taller than you intimidating? >> No.

Do you think you are better than people of a different country/background? >> Fuck no???

What's your favourite thing about your country? >> Dude.

What's your least favourite thing about your country? >> Sigh.

Who is your favourite bzoinker? >> I don’t have a favourite, I just use bzoink to find surveys.

What websites do you have bookmarked? >> I have a lot of websites bookmarked.

Do you use bows and ribbons to decorate your gifts? >> No. Well, I’ll stick a bow on a Christmas gift because why not, but outside of Christmas I don’t even wrap gifts. I might put it in a bag but that’s it.

Do you listen to the same type of music as your parents? What type is that? >> I grew up listening to soul and R&B and gospel, so yes, that’s all still part of me.

What TV show scared you as a kid? >> None.

Family Guy, The Simpsons or South Park? Why? >> Hmm. Well, I don’t really know anything about The Simpsons, but I’d probably like it better than Family Guy, and South Park is so hit-or-miss (with a lot of misses) for me that I can’t really deal with it anymore.

[bigsnzstanacct]

Richie Robbins

Here’s my first, totally unfinished sneezefic. It’s all about loud sneezes, I haven’t edited it at all and tbh I found it on some random blog that had clearly grabbed stories from the forum bc I didn’t want to dig through all my old computer backups so ya know if it’s screwed up it’s not my fault.

As passionately as he desired to, he knew he wouldn't be able to evade it. It would come, as so many times before: unavoidable, uncontrollable, unstoppable. He closed his eyes, tilted back his head, let the itch like fire at the edges of his nostrils expand to set his whole nose ablaze with a tickle so strong, only a monstrous explosion could expel it. And monstrous explosions were his stock-in-trade.

"hehh...hehh...HEISSSHOOO!" he exploded. His stunned professor stopped her lecture, as the noise rang out through the huge lecture hall, waking up quite a few drowsy (hungover?) students. Flummoxed, she lost her place in her notes, as the boy sitting next to him, a jock, last name Stevens... first name he couldn't remember, muttered, "Nice one, Robbins. You planning to blow any houses down any time soon?"

Richard Robbins waited a moment before he replied, hoping to make sure the one great sneeze had been enough to expel the full magnitude of the tickly sensation in his nostrils. He sniffed before opening his mouth to reply, which was, as always, a huge mistake.

"Yeah, Ste-st... stevens... I... hah... I...iiegh...ieghhh..ihhh...ihhh..." He thought for a moment he'd gotten it under control, rushing a firm index finger to his quivering nostrils, but it was too little, too late: "Y-yeahhhh... ahhhKESHHHHHuuuhh. HEYY-SHEEUUUUEY!" Another of his roaring sneezes rang out through the room, again startling Doctor Renyolds, who had just managed to get herself composed enough to begin lecturing again. And the sneeze came with a brother, a great screaming affair which appeared to have erupted from the very depths of Richie's being, and, luckily enough, had carried with it sufficient force to finally blast out whatever was causing the terrible tickle in his nose.

"My!" Doctor Reynold's voice came, after only a few seconds, "Whoever has been exploding in my has thoroughly put me off my lecture. Were we speaking about Hamlet or 'The Waste Land'?"

Richie sank in his chair. He had hoped to avoid this, this time. All throughout high school he had been known as the school's sneeze factory, variously going by nicknames from Sneezy to Big Bad Wolf to Johnny Tsunami--that particular psudonym coming from a quite unfunny teacher--but in college, he had hoped to avoid being identified primarily by his nose.

Of course, when you had a nose as big as Richie's, it was rather difficult not to notice. It was nearly always the first thing people noticed about Richie, either because he was busy sneezing or because its moderately thin but hugely protruding shape, rather like a right triangle seen in profile, was the most commanding thing about his face. And his nostrils: they were great, wide, massive things, sucking up irritants with an unholy frequency, tickling with an unthinkable burning fury, exploding with almost unimaginable, messy force. There were times when he felt his older brothers' insistence upon calling his nose Mount Vesuvius was not wholly inaccurate.

Not that any of the men in Richie's family had room to complain about his sneezes. While Richie may have gotten a double portion, this was surely a family curse: when the six Ritchie men--three older siblings: Tristan, Adrian, and Sebastian, Richie himself, his little brother Max, and his father--were united in colds and allergies, it was a wonder Richie's mother hadn't gone deaf. All six of them complained of unusually strong itches that developed deep within their nostrils, which could only be expelled by their characteristically loud sneezes. Stifling or containing the sneezes would never do; it would only intensify the tickle--and the resulting sneezes--by several orders of magnitude.

No, there was little Richie could do in such a situation besides let himself sneeze and hope that no one would notice. Which, thus far, had never happened.

"Hey, Robbins," the jock queried, "should I send out the storm warning to little pigs?"

After class, Richie walked out onto the campus, on the way to his dorm room. He was hit full in the face by the bright September sun, and by his furious nasal tickling.

"Nodda... hiihhh... nodahhh... again... HEEEYY-SHEEUU! HISSHHH! ehh... ehhhSHIIEUUU!" He let the sneezes erupt into the open air, giving them free reign to bend him in half, three times, each sneeze bigger and louder than the previous, though, for Richie, they were comparatively light, more like minor aftershocks than the sneeze-quake itself. He wished these would've hit in the lecture hall, rather than the nuclear blasts he had actually let out.

"Well, you can't always get what you want..." Richie muttered to himself.

"But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you just might find...!" Sing-shouted Richie's best friend, Adam, who had, as ever, appeared behind him.

"How do you do that?" Richie asked, "Do you stalk men unawares in the night by custom? I'm beginning to think you're practicing to be Batman."

"Richie," Adam paused to say, mock-serious, "I am Batman. And even if I wasn't, I'd be able to locate those sneezes from halfway across the campus," laughed Adam. "But anyway, what's up?"

"Well, I exploded in the middle of my Poetry and Drama class, and I'm pretty sure Professor Reynolds hates me, but besides that, not much."

"Old Vesuvius come back to life? Well, no shock there. No offense dude, but your nose has been permanently set to stun since high school."

"Yeah, I've noticihhh... ihhhh... ihhyahhhhhhhAAESSHUUU!"

The pair began walking down the cobblestone path of the university, presumably towards the dorm rooms, then cut through the quad, where, of course, the flowers begot a huge tickle in Richie's nose. "Oh! W-waaahhh... ahhh..." He tried to get the tickle under control long enough to utter the phrase "watch out," but Adam had long since learned to gage when Richie was about to embark upon one of his voyages to a Byzantium of Richter-scale rocking sneezes, and had promptly set his fingers in his ears, got down on his knees, and, in a grand military manner, announced, "Cannons are aimed! Target has been acquired! Fire at will! Fire at will!!"

The fact that he had never, frankly, fired at will, passed quickly through Richie's mind before the sneeze washed over him, washing away all thoughts other than the sneezes, and all quiet in the quad: "yyeeaaaaaaHHHCHOOOOOOOSSSHHH"

Several stunned students turned around to locate the source of the booming noise, and Adam thought that he heard a "wow," somewhere in the distance. A few birds, it seemed, started from the trees. Adam wasn't even entirely sure that he had imagined the swaying he thought he saw in a few of the trees. There was no doubt about it: Richie could sneeze. Ever since they met in freshman year of high school, Adam had seen Richie's nose at the epicenter of a daily series of frightful detonations. This particular sneeze had been not only monstrously loud but torrentially wet, leading Adam to celebrate his decision to crouch at Richie's side; he did not want to get drenched, as he had been on more than one occasion. Ever since freshman year.

"Geez, Rich, you done?" Adam asked, after giving Richie a few seconds.

"SHEEEOOO!" Richie exploded, if possible, even louder.

"Guess not." he chuckled. After Richie (and Adam) felt sure that Richie's nose wasn't about to go nuclear again, Adam stood up, began walking, and quipped, "You know, I'm looking for a side-kick; before I swoop in and lock up the baddies, maybe I can get you to sneeze and blow 'em down!"

"Shut up, Adam." Richie joked, giving Adam a playful slap on the head, before the two rushed off trading barbs as they went.

—-

Richie reached the dormroom with comparatively few incidents, although he had to force himself more than once to obey his father’s favorite dictum: don’t stifle your sneezes. Don’t even try. Richie’d heard that particular sermon preached any number of times, along with his mother’s story: “When your father went on our first date, he tried to hold those things back, and when they finally came out”—“when she smothered her spaghetti in pepper,” his father would always interject—“I thought he was going to blow everything off the table! He sounded a little like you, actually, Richie.”

So, with his mother’s slightly nasally voice ever ringing in his ears, Richie forced himself to let out a series of noisy nasal explosions, in order to satiate his nose’s uncontrollable need for relief from its buzzing, burning, incredibly tickly itching sensations. Few people could imagine just how strong the tickles in Richie’s nose got; perhaps the only way to truly represent their magnitude was their own self-expression in his explosive sneezes. He felt fairly lucky that he'd only had to give in to three or four on his way back to the dorms, although the gaggle of women who had clearly bathed in perfume were less than joyous at the sudden, shocking explosion of elephantine nasal trumpeting which had suddenly erupted to their near right, and each had jumped at least a foot in the air, much to the amusement of Adam, who'd laughed almost as loudly as Richie had sneezed.

Adam and Richie had reached their dorm room, and were sitting about, not really doing anything, as college students are wont to do in lazy afternoons, after classes but before the dinner hours. Of course, they could have been studying, but who’d want to do that? Richie was busy plotting ways to avoid blasting the cafeteria during lunch (take an extra dose of Claritin, bring a handkerchief, and always avoid pepper like the plague), while Adam sat on the bed, debating with himself about whether or not to take a nap, when he felt a tickle invade his nose. Adam’s sneezes, while certainly not tiny, couldn’t compare in the slightest to Richie’s nasal artillery, and the “ihh… ihhhh…IT-CHEEOOooey” he released was nothing compared to a Richie sneeze.

But Adam’s nose wasn’t done yet; the tickle returned, the previous sneeze having done nothing to alleviate it, but rather seeming to have augmented it: “nyehhh… hih! hih! hehhh…” Adam’s nose vacillated on the edge of a relieving sneeze, its power building with every hitch of his breath, “nighiiee…hiegh… ighhhiee… iiiaaAAAAAHHH-CHOOO!” Adam sneezed, much harder than normal.

“Woah, buddy,” Richie murmured over his shoulder, “You really let that one go; you aiming to start a sneeze fight?”

“No, no, no, no,” Adam said, still feeling a bit lightheaded from the sneeze, which had taken more out of him than usual, “getting into a sneeze war with your nose is like bringing three sticks and a baseball bat to the Crimeahhhh… Crimeaaaaahhhh… Crimean... aayyYAH-SHEWWWESSH!” Yet another draining sneeze burst from Adam’s nose, this time with some considerable spray. “Yeesshhh,” Adam said, “that would would’ve drenched a tissue almost as bad as you would! I’m turning into a fire hose sneezer like y… you… you… Ah-CHOOeeeyyy!” Adam let out yet another sneeze, although this one was comparatively light, more in keeping with Adam’s usual sub-volcanic sneeze level.

Thus far, he’d been able to avoid it, having long since learned that if he was to ever do anything except sneeze, he’d have to suppress his sympathetic sneezing reaction. But ever since he’d been a teen, Richie’s nose had been envious of anyone who let out too many sneezes around him, and desired to experience such enormous relief as came with his hurricane-strength achooeys. Thus, he felt a slight tickle brewing when Adam had released his fourth sneeze, and when he heard Adam hitching up to a fifth—“ahhh… ahh… am… ah… am I ever gonaaaahhhh stahhh… stahhh… stop… ahhh…”—he feared his nose too, would begin to go into sneezy paroxysms.

“Adam, man, ah… ah… can you get a hold on those sneezes… my n-nose is starting to tickle too… hoohhhh… ohhhh…”

Richie struggled to get a grip on the still relatively slight tickle that had invaded his nose, as Adam did his best to hold back his sneezy nose from the delightfully relieving fifth sneeze that he knew was on its way. “ahhhh… ahhhh… I-I dunno… ohhhh ahhh… hah… It ruhhhh… ruhhhheaalllly tickles. Ahhhhh… AHHHH… AYYY-CHEOOOSHH!” He let out another sneeze, the strongest, wettest, and most forceful of the bunch, although not spectacularly loud.

But anyone waiting for a noisy nose would have little time to wait. Adam’s fifth and final sneeze had sent Richie’s sympathetic tickles into overdrive, and with almost no buildup, he reared his head back, nostrils flaring wildly like a bucking horse, and bellowed out an enormous, “CCHHHHEEEOOOOOOOO!” Followed by two more, slightly less loud but torrentially wet, “PLESSHEWEY! IT-CHEWWW!” Each sneeze was a spectacularly loud, messy affair, though they were commensurate to Richie’s normal sneeze volume, which, of course, approached the ear-splitting at close ranges. It was more than enough, Richie realized sheepishly, to sound throughout the entire dorm room floor, and maybe the floors above and below. He remembered to make a mental note to avoid staying up late nights—a late night tickle could easily turn peaceful dorm-mates into irate potential tormentors, irritated by being woken by Richie’s cannon-like sneeze. He realized, too, that he might’ve shaken people from any number of midday naps.

When Richie’s series of explosions were done, an affair which sent Richie’s body completely out of control, rearing back and exploding forward with abandon, his entire body at the mercy of his monstrously powerful lungs, mouth, and most of all, nose, Adam couldn’t resist making a quip. “See why I don’t want to get in a sneezing fight with you?”

“Yeah, I know. I hate those sympathetic tickles. Gotta keep that under control,” Richie said, as much to chide his nose as anything else.

“Under control? Your nose? That’s like keeping a bull in a china shop from disturbing a single piece of porcelain. Really wish I could find out why I was sneezin’ though. Those were pretty big for me, though for you it’d be like taking an earthshaking thunderstorm and replacing it with a light, pleasant summer rain…” Adam laughed, but paused when his joking was interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” Richie shouted, fearing that it was an irate neightbor, awoken from a nap. This had been one of his many fears about college; each of his older brothers had brought home several stories of how they had woken up between one and several fellow dorm-mates, roommates and apartment neighbors (not that the Robbins boys needed to be in the same building with a person to make themselves known by their noses; the family’s suburban neighbors had revealed on several occasions that someone, usually Richie, had been audible through the windows). Tristan, the oldest, who had, after Richie, the second most Vesuvial nose in the family, once told the story of how he had woken up, very literally, his entire dorm with a series of cold-inspired sneezes, and how only the awesomely pathetic sight of his sickly state, ensconced as he was in blankets and almost covered in used tissues and hankies, had prevented him from receiving one of his dormmates infamously cruel practical jokes.

Richie hoped to avoid such a situation, and so it was with apprehension (and desperate attempts to remember his self-defense classes) that he opened the door.

“Hey, dude!” Said the surprisingly pleasant and excited looking young man at the door, “was that a sneeze, or did somebody set of a nuke in the room next to mine?”

Relieved as Richie was by the friendliness of the visitor, Adam slightly sluggishly slid out of bed, laughing as he did, “That’s my man here, Richie, the Nose extraordinaire, the loudest sneeze in the west, superman of sneezes, the titan of ticklish nostrils, Sir Vesuvius himself, the leaf-blower…”

“Richard, just Richard is my name.” Richie cut in, eager to cut Adam off before he got to the detested “Johnnie Tsunami” epithet.

“Well, Richard-just-Richard, I had to come over here to see if that nose actually just came out of a person!”

“Sorry, I can’t help it…” Richie said, suddenly blushing slightly, “I hope I didn’t wake you or anything…”

“Nah. I wasn’t doing anything. But really, you just sneezed that loud? You got some kinda supernose or somethin’?”

“Well, it’s not exactly thin, as you can see,” Adam began, with a professorial air, “and the protruding shape and large nostrils provide some explanation as to its loud-speaker like qualities…”

“It’s just been that way since I was a kid,” sighed Richie, mildly put off by the awkward conversation.

“Dude, I haven’t heard a sneeze that loud since, like, ever, probably. Although my dad sets off some real firecrackers back at home… I didn’t think I’d hear anything like that for another few months. Kinda reminds me of home, actually.”

“Well, anytime you get homesick, just give us a ring and bring the pepper, though you might wanna bring some earplugs actually…”

“Adam. Geez, do you ever run out,” Richie inquired, with an irritated air.

“Not really.” Adam replied straightforwardly, "I'm a joke machine. And a love machine. Just FYI, let the ladies know..."

“Well,” the visitor declared, “Adam, Richie, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Jerry.” He stuck his hand out, and Richie shook it forcefully, though he found his grasp met with a vice shaking like a centrifuge.

“Nice to meet you, too.” Richie said, wincing slightly from the handshake.

“Hey, dude, we’re headed to lunch soon, wanna come?”Adam asked cheerfully.

“Yeah, totally. I was actually kinda hoping to avoid eating lunch alone,” Jerry confessed, “though I don’t know how you get through lunch, dude. Better warn ‘em: hide the pepper!”

That’s a joke I haven’t heard before Richie thought to himself. But, though not original in his jokes, this new acquaintance wasn’t half-bad, and was certainly an improvement upont the angry neighbor Richie’d feared he’d encounter. And speaking of curing homesickness…

“Are you wearing co-cologne… cologne… ehhhhh… ehhhhhhh… EHHHHHSSSSHOOOO!” Richie erupted another characteristically noisy sneeze, which, at unusually close range, prompted both Jerry and Adam to dramatically cover their ears to avoid the full blast of Richie’s nasal explosion, which was easily a nine on the Richter scale, probably a ten.

“Geez, man, I thought they were loud through the wall!” Jerry said, awestruck.

“Richie’s nose? Man, you haven’t seen anything yet. He’ll blow the paint off the walls before we graduate,” Adam joked, yet again.

“I think I might go ahead and take a shower,” Jerry responded, “I’ll meet you guys in about thirty minutes, alright?”

“Sounds great!” Adam said.

Richie would’ve replied, but Jerry’s cologne hadn’t yet finished with Richie’s surpassingly tickly and tickle-able nose. “hahhhh… HAHHHHH…HEHSHOOOH!” Richie erupted again, thanking his lucky nasal stars that his nose had seen fit, for once, to not let out a great big wet one while he was right in someone’s face. He opened his mouth to say, “nice to meet you,” but what came out was another, “TITCHEWWWEY! SHEWWWWWSH!” It was hugely, horribly wet, and in his zeal to avoid blasting his new compatiot, he had turned and, inadvertently, sprayed a great, big wet one into the face of his good friend Adam.

“Well… um… are you trying to tell me you don’t like my jokes, buddy?”

Now, getting sprayed by a sneeze was usually a messy affair, but getting sprayed by a Richie sneeze was pitched somewhere between “elephant sneeze” and “sprayed by a fire hose”. Adam was drenched, and Richie found himself reflecting yet again as to why he never, never attempted to use a pathetic tissue to hold up against the surpassing force of his all-powerful nasal eruptions, the tickly twin cannons of wind, wet, and sound that had taken up residence on his face, began full-strength operations in high school, and seemed to grow in power alone as their experience increased.

“Well, I think I’ll be taking a shower too.” Adam said, before promptly turning around, grabbing a towel and some clothes, and rushing to the bathroom, letting out an irrepressable, high-pitched, and surpassingly effete “EWWWWWW!” which sent Richie and Jerry into shaking convulsions of laughter.

—

After cleaning himself off from Richie’s hurricane-force discharge, Adam proceeded to the downstairs dining hall to meet both Richie and their new friend Jerry. Of course, he heard Richie before he saw him. “heh… heh… HAT-CHOOO!” It was a comparatively small one for his good friend Rich, but the noise still carried well out of the dining room and into the hallway. Adam often kidded Richie about his sneezes, but half the time he genuinely felt bad for the guy. After all, those massive eruptions that had punctuated almost his entire high school experience weren’t just occasional explosions, they were daily at the very least. Any number of things lit Richie’s sneezing fuse, setting off a chain reaction inside Richie’s nose that led inexorably to a blast of such volume and violence that people often inquired of Richie how such a loud noise could come out of a 45-year old 6’ 10’ two-hundred-thirty-pound ex-logger construction worker with a bad head cold, much less little old Richie Robbins. Every time he sneezed with people around, Richie would blush, shrug, and, Adam knew, mentally wish himself out of the room. It wasn’t easy having a semi-superpower—not that it’d do any good in a fight, Adam mused—for a sneeze. But it was life for poor Richie, and that was simply that.

For Adam’s part, he’d never been particularly bothered by his best friend’s outrageous a-choos. Maybe he just had ears of steel, but the volume didn’t bother him, and it did provide a decent shake-up during lulls in conversation. Heck, he’d been a regular vistor to the Robbins household, and that was an experience unto itself. Multiplying Richie’s sneezes with a father, three older brothers, and one younger made a ruckus that just didn’t make sense. If anyone needed proof that sneezes were hereditary, well, Adam knew where to bring them. He’d heard the same story from all six Richie men: it’s the tickles. The tickles, itches, tingles, and twinges that invaded the Robbins family sinuses were purportedly unbearable, like a thousand invisible brushes sweeping all the way up the nasal cavity. And the only way to get those brushes (temporarily) out was to let out a blast that could be heard across three counties (or at least a small suburban house… and a few of the adjacent ones.) Their sneezes came from their toes and then some. But the big sneezes were just the only way that they could relieve the incredible pressure and the tickle that built up in their large, protruding nostrils, swishing around their noses with an unimaginable irritation. The ones with long build-ups were the worst. He’d seen Tristan and Adrian, Sebastian and Max, even Mr. Robbins, staring up at lights, forcefully fanning under their noses, doing anything to tip the tickle out of the gate and onto the flight ramp, at which point a sneeze would shoot out from their nostrils of which any elephant would have been proud.

It was thoughts like this that preoccupied Adam as he sat down with Richie and Jerry, who were discussing the finer points of eruption-inspiring allergens.

“For my dad, is the dogs that are the worst, man, get him within ten feet of a dog, especially one of those great big shaggy things, and oh man… it’s time to break out the protective earmuffs, I’m tellin’ you…”

“Yeah, dogs get me bad too, but the cats… oh… waay… wait a second… I’b gonnahhhh… ahhh… HASHOOOEY!” Richie gasped out a “’nother… nothaaahhh” before bursting into a second tectonic shift of a sneeze, “YASSSHOOOOOO! Oh, I’m so sorry, that was a big one.”

“They’re always big ones, Rich!” Adam said as he sat down.

“Can’t argue with you there.” Richie sighed. While he often wished he could just get rid of his charateristic sneez-plosions, Richter rockers, or Richie Roars, as his nasal expulsions were variously called, Richie was grateful for friends that weren’t repulsed, shocked, or amazed by his sneezes, and he felt much less self-conscious about lettin’ it rip when Adam, or, as of today, Jerry, was around. Not that he had much (or any) choice.

“So, you two comparing notes?” asked Adam.

“Yeah,” Jerry said, “so far, we’ve mentioned flowers, pepper, animals…”

“Actually, most spices get me, red pepper worst of all.” Richie began, “In fact, the reason I sat down at this table is because it doesn’t even have a red pepper shaker, thank goodness. But I’ve blown back the fur and feathers on just about any pet you can imagine…”

They continued on talking like this, unaware that at the table just behind them, the very jock that had filled the standard role of Richie’s sneeze tormentor was subtly listening in on their conversation. Ashton Stevens was his name, and he, like Jerry, had also had a big sneezer at home. But he didn’t have such generous memories of his parents’ noisy noses. In fact, he had been driven nearly insane by his mother and father’s constant loud sneezes, which, unlike Richie’s, seemed put-on, fake, as if they both just wanted to announce to the world how noisily they could sneeze. The crowning moment had been that day, the day of senior prom… but Ashton tried not to think about it. For his part, he had rather dainty sneezes, somewhat at odds with his large and muscular build. He, of course, had never been plagued with allergies on the level of Richie’s, but he had gone through an allergic phase as a teen. During that time he constantly focused on controlling his sneezes, squelching them down until they were little more than a semi-audible, “chuh”. Richie’s gargantuan gale winds had brought him right back to that moment at the senior prom, and he secretly seethed inside every time Richie’s nose went out of control and spasmed with a silence-smashing sneeze. But he was formulating a plan, in the back of his mind, that would shame Richie into shutting up, as his parents never would.

Meanwhile, as Ashton Stevens seethed, Richie (predictably) sneezed. “yeaaaahhhh, ahhhh… aaaaahpppppSHEWWW! Uh, another one. I don’t know what’s making my nose so itchy!” The sneeze, honestly, had been the lightest one he’d let out in a while, only audible above speaking voices at the end, indicating a comparatively low-level irritation. Probably a stray flake of black pepper. While he reacted to pepper as much as anybody else, Richie had never had nearly as much of a problem with pepper as he did with dander, other spices, and the dreaded perfume and cologne.

“So,” Adam inquired, “what are you boys up to this evening. It’s Friday night, and ah… ah… HAT! CHOO!” Adam let out a neatly segregated sneeze, a firmly punctuated breath drawn in followed by a neat and tidy choo, which, although somewhat wet, was not extremely loud, as per the normal pattern of Adam’s sneeze. “Woah, I don’t know why I keep sneezing.”

“Yeah, come to think of it, neither do I,” Richie added, “do you think you’re allergic to something up here?”

“Nah, I’m as hardy as a bull, allergens can’t get me down. Try as they might, they cannot invade the fortress of my mighty nasal guard. Granted, they don’t have as big of a target on mehh… on mehhhh… me… as…. BAA-shewww!” Adam sneezed again, with a sound that sounded utterly fed-up with sneezing.

“Any chance you might be getting a cold?” Jerry inquired. Adam and Richie exchanged anxious looks. Each knew what the other was thinking: if Richie caught a cold, his sneezes, seemingly impossibly, would grow significantly in strength, volume, and mess.

“No,” Adam said, attempting to laugh away the possibility, “No way! The last time I had a cold was…”

“The camping trip in eleventh grade. And I promptly caught it and nearly blew down our tent on several different occasions.” Richie finished for him, “And I hope it’s not happening now,” he moaned, “because if you get sick, then I’ll get sick, and if I get sick…”

“Don’t worry, Rich!” Adam insisted, “I’m not getting sick! But so you don’t worry, I guess I’ll take some vitamins, and call it an early night, I guess…”

“No way, man!” Jerry interrupted, “we’ve barely been in college for a week. We’re goin’ out tonight. We’re going somewhere, and if you don’t like it, mister, too bad!”

Adam laughed. “Well, can’t argue with a command like that, sir. Where do we go?”

“There’s a nice bar nearby,” Richie offered.

“No, no, no, I mean a real club: loud music, sloppy drunks, and scantily-clad women.” Of course, at the mention of women, all three hormone-addled brains perked up instantly, and any reluctance at club-going was instantly erased.

And, Adam saw another perk:

“Plus, the club’s so loud, Richie, that it’s probably one of the few places on earth where your sneezes can’t carry. You know, places like construction sites… death metal concerts… one of my sister’s shouting—I mean singing recitals…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But that’s actually a good point, and the sneezes have actually been comparatively light...” but suddenly Richie’s eyes got a distant, faraway look. His nose scrunched up, and the itch exploded in his nostrils like a thousand buzzing tiny, invisible flies, sending his nostrils into a rampage of twitching, his upper lip, his entire face swishing and moving with the enormous need to sneeze that had burgeoned so suddenly in his nostrils. This was gearing up to be a real monster; his breath hitched, “hahhhh… hahhhh…,” his eyes bulged. He reached his hand up to try to scrub away the itch, although he knew it was useless. This was shaping up to be the biggest sneeze that had hit him all day… “hih! hih! ah! ah! ah! ooooh, it won’t come ou… outahhhh… ahhhhhh… ahahhhh… ahahhah…” the sneeze stuck for a moment, leaving Richie’s face in a mask of sneezy agony, the corners of his mouth turned firmly down, his eyes tearing and glancing upwards, searching for a light bright enough to send his brewing eruption into its final stages of detonation, his eyebrows severely arched. His watering eyes rapidly blinked for what seemed an eternity, before he gave his nose one more good sniff and gave in to the inevitable detonation: “hhhhaaAAA-AARRSCHOOOhhh! HAAA-HOOOOOSH-SHOOOOEY! Ahhh… igghiee… hah…" He hitched for just a few seconds before absolutely roaring out the thermonuclear explosion of his final sneeze: "RAAH-SCHOOOOOOOOHH!”

“Woah.” Said Adam and Jerry simultaneously.

The sneeze was so big, it left Richie panting a little after. It wasn’t just the biggest sneeze all day, it was the biggest set of sneezes he’d had in a month! Richie had rocked back and forth with each colossal sneeze, giving his tickly nose complete abandon. The sneezes took him over, and each was a nearly-shouted affair that was louder than most people can shout. Those sneezes seemed to come from his whole body, his nose being merely the epicenter of the eruption. He was completely out-of-control for each massive gusting sneeze, his whole frame shaking and swaying at the mercy of his king-sized schnoz and the unbearable itch that had taken three of Richie’s most powerful sneezes to expel. When he opened his eyes afterward, he was half-afraid that he’d blown the table away!

Adam and Jerry, prepared by experience, had covered their ears, but the rest of the dining hall… well, being unprepared, some had dropped forks, plates, and cups, most had stopped their conversations, and quite a few shocked “what was that?”s sounded around the room. Those had been big even for Richie, far too loud, in fact, for anyone to hear the near-simultaneous soft, tickly “chuhh! ch-hoooh! chuhh! ka-chuuhhh!” that had come from the next table over, soft barely-there puffs of air in comparison to Richie’s Kansas twister sized sneezes, which he swore would have been big enough to send Dorothy not only to Oz, but to the other said of Mars.

“Dude,” Adam said, as the dining room slowly went back to normal, after being rocked by Richie’s “You totally shouldn’t have jinxed it.”

“Ha-ha,” Richie said, not feeling exceptionally prepared for laughing after single handedly—or rather, single-nosedly”—overpowering an entire dining room full of noisy college students in volume. “Let’s just get out of here as quickly as possible. I don’t want another one of those to happen… and I think… there might still be the beginnings of a… ah…” Richie quickly clamped his hands over his nose, hoping that he might fight the tiny residual tickle back before it became another of room-rocker, or at least get outside into the open air to release the beast.

Adam, Richie, and Jerry hurried surreptitiously out of the dining room. At the table behind them, sat Ashton Stevens, face upturned, irritated tears forming in his eyes, but a smug smile on his face, nose twitching and jerking with otherwise imperceptible “chooh! chuh! ha-hushh!” sneezes, with a plate of spaghetti practically drenched in red pepper. His little “experiment” confirmed, he threw the plate away, which promptly cleared up his sneezes, and walked calmly out of the dining hall, but not before slyly sliding the red pepper shaker into his waiting pocket.

--

Richie had, of course, erupted again outside, although once out of the range of the red pepper flakes that were like gunpowder for Richie’s cannon-like nostrils, the sneezes hadn’t registered quite so high on the Richter Scale (“a minor aftershock!” Adam had quipped).  But sneezes that huge left Richie concerned; could he be catching a cold? That would be disastrous. Besides feeling bad, he could hardly go to class, detonating another sneeze every few minutes, sneezes that would rock a three hundred person lecture hall and perhaps even send his papers flying down to the row below, sneezes that would throw even the most concentrated lecturer off of his or her game, sneezes that, in a smaller classroom, would probably disturb not only his own class, but all the classes on the floor! Of course, he’d had mega-sneezes like that before, and it didn’t always mean he was catching a cold, but if he was… well, he’d just take a lot of vitamin C that night. But going to bed early wasn’t an option. Richie, Jerry and Adam were going to a nearby club, Club Z, for a night on the town. After running back upstairs to change (again), the threesome left their dorm and headed towards Club Z, chatting all the while.

“So, Rich, how are classes going?” Adam asked, to get the conversation started.

“Oh, pretty good, when I’m not busy sneezing through them. Sebastian warned me that his sneezes tend to disrupt standard professorial activities, so I knew mine would probably blow out a few eardrums. Not that I’m not used to that sort of thing.”

“How about you, Jerry?”

“Oh, things are going well for me too. Chemistry is kicking my butt, but besides that I’m doing pretty well. That class is so boring! I almost wish that someone would come in there with a great big Richie-cane kinda sneeze. At least that way things wouldn’t be quite as boring!”

“Oh, you would have loved our high school then,” Adam cut in, “Almost every time I fell asleep in class, Richie’s nose would get an itch and once the nasal volcano got going, sleeping was not an option.”

“Whatever, Adam,” Richie said, blushing slightly at the extended discussion of his nasal… ahem, prowess, even among friends, “I didn’t even have a half of my classes with you.”

“Exactly.” Adam replied, smiling. *** Soon, Richie and company arrived at the club. However, they were still several feet away when the perfume started getting to Richie’s nose: “ah…. ahhhh… agghhha… igghhiiie… AAAA-CHOOOOH! heh… heh… AHHH-CHOOOOOH!” he sneezed, blasting out the tickly perfume smell as hard as he could. When Richie sneezed, his whole body was involved; in fact, Adam was surprised that Richie didn’t have a six-pack from all the forceful contractions of his stomach and chest as he roared out all that sneezy air at obscene velocities, and decibel levels.

“Bless ya, buddy. Are there some flowers around,” inquired Jerry.

“Na… no, nahhh.. ahhhhh WAAAAAASSSHOOOO! ARRRR-CHOOAAAYYYY!” Richie screamed out each sneeze. While not as loud as the true Richie-canes of the dining hall, these sneezes produced more than enough volume to echo loudly off of the nearby buildings and turn quite a few heads. Richie was quite afraid that an irate head would poke out of one of the windows of the high-rise apartment buildings on the street to demand that he achieve the impossible feat of quieting down his great lion’s roar of a sneeze.  He’d been asked by more than one teacher (and moviegoer, and theater patron, and restaurant waiter, and even, on one notorious occasion, a few patrons at just the sort of rock concerts that Adam had supposed would be loud enough to drown out Richie’s roars, but then again, not only were all the people there drenched in cologne and perfume, but Richie had left from a friend’s house who had a very furry german shepherd, and Richie had the beginnings of a cold) to control his thunderclap sneezes, but, like the thunder, Richie’s sneezes were a force of nature, and could not be quieted down or controlled any better than the wind.

Hoping he’d gotten his nose under control with that last massive sneeze, Richie ventured to speak, “No… it’s the perfume... oh, wait… ‘nothing one’s cahhhh…. coming…. RAAAAASSSSHOOOOOH! YASSSSSSHHHHHHHH-OOO!” Richie sniffed loudly, as two girls, one of who was probably wearing the sneeze-causing perfume, looked around. The girl wearing the perfume, alright slightly tipsy, half-spoke, half-shouted, “Ugh, I can’t stand it when people exaggerate their sneezes like that! Can’t he control it? That’s just too loud!”

Aside from the irony of the woman commenting on Richie’s loud sneezes with her loud voice (although Richie had to admit that even a trained opera singer would have difficulty keeping up with him in volume when he really got going), Adam was offended by her comments about his friend, and was about to walk up and give the perfume drenched woman a piece of his mind when her friend abruptly did it for him!

“Oh, Charlene, be quiet! They can hear you. Besides, how can you expect a poor kid to control his sneezes when you can’t even control your big mouth!” Adam had to admit that he was impressed, and as Charlene and her assertive friend got in line for the same club as Adam, Richie, and Jerry, Adam made a mental note to “bump into” her at some point that night. Maybe Richie’s wind-machine strength allergies would flare up again and give him an excuse to talk to her?

Meanwhile, Ashton wasn’t far behind the trio, cringing at each of Richie’s elephantine sneezes. He thought to himself, “This is ridiculous! He sneezes even louder than my father! How embarrassing! I don’t even know how those other goons can stand to be seen around him. I’ll teach him not to be so disgusting with his sneezes.” As the perfume got to his nose, Ashton harshly muffled three sneezes by pinching his nostils, “shhhmp! chikkk! ch!” They were barely audible. Ashton fingered the red pepper in his pocket as he watched Richie and company walk into the club. He bided his time for a few minutes, and then, after walking around the block a bit, went in as well.

—-

As soon as the threesome entered the club, Ritchie rushed off to the restroom, hoping to give his nose a good, strong blow to clear his nose of perfume and pollen, so as to head off the sneezes at the pass. But by the time he reached the restroom door, his twitching, tickling nose had had too much, and, bleary-eyed, Richie let it take over for six full-strength sneezes: “HAASSSSSHHHHHOOOooooo… hh… hhhiiiiiIIIIIIIIICHOOOOOOO! Ih-CHOOO! haaahHH-CHOOOOOO! ahhhhhHHH-CHOOOO! HAHH-CHOOOOOOOhhhhheyyy” That last one was a monster, making a gutteral, throat-scraping sound as the normal “choo” was twisted by Richie’s awe-inspiring lung power into a growling, snarling shout of a sneeze, leaving Richie somewhat lightheaded and dizzy. And of course, he immediately connected the number of sneezes (Richie rarely let out so many all in a row like that) to the head cold he was desperately afraid was brewing in his firecracker nostrils, those wide, vacuum-like tunnels where tickles went in, and sneezes came out that were second only to the Big Bad Wolf with a bad cold.

And speaking of colds, Richie was terrified of developing one. Every cold he’d ever had had settled directly in his nose, causing a near-constant tickle that he could only blow out with his biggest, most ear-drum busting, dorm-wall rattling, earthquake-causing sneezes. Even Richie’s biggest sneezes could only provide momentary relief from the tickle; minutes later, the tickle would come back with a vengence, and so would the sneezes, until Richie would deliberately blow them out as hard as he could, just to get the tickle to stop for a few minutes. Richie’s colds were events in the Robbins household (and every house on the surrounding block); he hoped and prayed they wouldn’t become events on-campus too.

Looking around the restroom and finding it (thank goodness) empty, Richie marched to a stall to give his nose a few of his patented, honking nose blows. While not quite commensurate to his sneezes in volume, those bass-note honks of his could certainly send a rumble through any room, and Richie was glad that the room remained empty as he did his best to keep his nose free and clear, so as to minimize sneezing episodes.

Meanwhile, Adam and Jerry were on the prowl, and getting shut down all the time. Jerry had offered to buy drinks for no less than three women, with no success, while Adam’s jokes were falling unusually flat, perhaps owing to the volume of the music and the near-impossibility of hearing anything (except perhaps for Richie) over the thumping bass and wailing noise of the speakers.

So it was that Adam and Jerry had given up and begun dancing their way into the morass of people at the center of the club, when Richie went searching for them. Of course, hidden as they were in the mass of people, Richie had no hope of finding either of his friends, and sat down at the bar, quickly flashing his (fake) ID, and ordered a beer. He figured he’d wait until he found Adam and Jerry to start dancing, and he was sure that his nose would give him ample opportunity before then to test Adam’s theory that the noise of the club would muffle the rumbling explosions of his nose.

In fact, as the bartender slid Richie his beer, Richie felt his nose flaring into life. His breath hitched, his face contorted, his nostrils assuming control of his face, twisting this way and that as though they had a life of their own, reacting to the bucking bronco of itch that had, as always, brushed ferociously against the twitching walls of his sensitive nostrils. And as Richie’s face contorted, his watering eyes slid closed in preparation of the great big sneeze to come…

…and Ashton Stevens saw his chance. He’d been sitting at the bar, plotting how he could cause misery for Richie at the club. Luckily, he’d been at the bar while Richie had erupted in the restroom (especially since the only thing Ashton found more disgusting than sneezes was nose blowing), but now he was sitting not too far from Richie, and had been spying on him out of the corner of his eye since Richie had sat down. Now was his chance. He slid the small shaker of red pepper out of his pocket and sent a cloud floating up into the air, knowing that the strong air conditioning in the room, as well as the breeze from the constantly opening front door, would waft the tickly spice straight into Richie’s all-too-combustible nose.

And he was right. Seconds later, Richie froze, as he felt the tickle in his nose multiply exponentially. The itch in his nose, already monstrous, became a thousand buzzing flies, scurrying through his nasal passages, wreaking havoc on his sensitive sinuses, creating such tremendous pressure in his nose that he knew that the only way to get any relief would be to blast out a sneeze at full-strength. He felt it gearing up to be as big as the one in the dining hall, if not bigger. Out of his watery eyes, he took a quick glance around him: there was no way he’d get to the restroom before his Vesuvial nose gave an eruption that would put Mt. St. Helens to shame, and the way his nose was feeling, it’d be wet enough to outshine Old Faithful. But there were so many people around. Richie had been warned about it time and time again, and he knew he shouldn’t… but he didn’t want to spray any strangers! So… he stifled.

“ahh…. Ahhhhhh… AHHHHHHHHH… AGGGHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA…” He wound up, with huge, powerful breaths, and then… “chhhmmppppppppppp!” He sneezed, somewhat wetly, but contained, and with nowhere near enough volume to be heard over the noise of the club. Stifling successful.

But his nose was on fire. It was as if he had quadrupled the already unimaginable tickle. If he was going to fire off one eruption before, now he was preparing for a twenty-one-gun salute. Finger struck firmly beneath his nose, Richie rushed to the restroom as fast as he could, pushing past the clubgoers in the crowded club, afraid to give so much as an “excuse me” for fear that speaking would tip the sneeze into the uncontrollable zone. Richie forcefully pushed the door open as he marched into the restroom, which was, of course, filled with people. In the already small, echoing restroom, Richie’s sneezes would probably reach ear-splitting volumes and annoy, if not terrify, every patron in the restroom. But it wasn’t as if he had any choice; he had to let the monsters loose.

Richie quickly swung a stall door open and closed as his breaths became audible, and grew louder, and louder… “iiihhhhhh… HHHHHiiiiIIIHHHHHH… HAHHHHHH… HAHHHHHHH…. HHAAAAHHHHHHHHH…HAAAAAAAAAAAAA-SHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BAAACCCHOOOOOEEYYYY! HASSSHHH! HAHHSSHHHHuuhh… OOOO-SHOOOOOOOH! USSSSHHHHHH-CHHAAAHHH! Ahhhhh… Ahhhh… ahhhhh…CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

They came, sneeze after sneeze after sneeze, outrageous in volume, hurricane like in spray. Richie heedlessly swung backwards and forwards, gulping in air to fuel each massive explosion. He knew now why his parents had warned him to never, never hold in his sneezes, because this was the result: a constantly seizing nose in a fit that would last for minutes.

The reaction of the men in the restroom, as expected had been vocal and noisy. The already somewhat drunken patrons had no trouble voicing their disapproval: “What the hell?! Did somebody drop a bomb in here? Shuddup in there, I can’t hear myself think!”

But Richie, whatever he wished, he no ability to shut up. His nose was in control now, and it was going to blow, and blow, and blow until the pent-up tickle was blasted out, full-strength.

“Hehhhh… ehhhhhh… EEHHHHH-SHOOOOOH! EH-SHOOOH! Eghhhhaaaa… haaaa… haaa… YAAAAAAA-SHHHEEEEEWWWWWWWW!  SHIISSSHHHHH! ISSHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH-SHOOOH! AHHHHHHHH-SCHOOOO! AH-SHOOOOH!”

The sneezes just kept coming, unbelievably loud, unbelievably powerful. This was one of the longest fits Richie could remember (though probably not the worst he’d experienced). Gradually, the sneezes grew farther apart: “haahhhh.. hahhhh.. HA-SHOOO! Ahhhhh… HA-SHUU! iiSHHHIIII-OO!”

Each sneeze, though still loud enough to echo through the restroom, was at a more manageable volume. Still, Richie was exausted from firing off sneeze after sneeze, and as his nose finally let out its final “heh… heh-chhh-EW!” Richie just wanted a nice long nap. He sat in the stall for a moment to survey the damage. He had been right about the spray; he could see the glistening drops decorating the entire stall door as though it had been hit with a hose. He still heard the men grumbling and muttering about his sneezes, and he was sure that those who were in the restroom (and probably those near the door) would spread the word to their friends about Richie’s incredible eruption. Sometimes, Richie just wished that his nasal curse could just go away. Why was his family cursed with the world’s most massive sneezes? Why was his nose the epicenter of such eruptions? But, as he sniffed gently, preparing for a nose blow to clear the last bits of congestion in his nose, he was glad for one thing: the tickle was completely gone.

Meanwhile, Ashton had been standing near the door, and had heard Richie firing off sneeze after sneeze after sneeze. He was red with rage; that fit had been exactly like the one his dad had blasted out at Ashton’s senior prom, in the middle of Ashton’s prom king acceptance… all over the prom queen. She dumped Ashton within the week.

Turning violently on his heel, Ashton marched out of the club, certain that he had a new secret weapon to use against Richie: if he could get him to clam up those sneezes, just once, then he knew Richie would fire off a show of sneezes so loud that Ashton could use it to embarrass Richie in front of anyone within earshot; in other words, Ashton grimly laughed to himself, anyone within a five-mile radius.

—-

Ashton, however, had not been the only person close enough to the restroom to hear those gale-force blasts trumpeting out from Richie's nostrils of fury. In fact, just as Richie was beginning to launch into a fit for the ages, Jerry had decided he ought to slip off to the restroom; no need to "break the seal" yet, but Jerry had anticipated he was in for a fairly long night, partying with his newfound friends, and--hopefully--with a few more newfound "friends" from among the club's very attractive female population, and as such wanted to make sure that his tiny bladder would not interfere with his very large-sized dreams---oh, alright, fantasies---of what would go on that night.

But Jerry was pretty far from the door when he heard that tell-tale eruption coming from the men's room. He quickly stuck his head into the restroom and knew immediately the source of the disturbance. He would scarcely have believed that even Richie could sneeze so forcefully. He was putting up a good fight with the music in the club, and that was deafening as it was. Heck, at close range, Richie's nose could have outdone a shotgun, a leafblower, a small nuclear explosion... but in the midst of these musing, Jerry noticed Ashton. Unlike everyone else in the restroom (and nearby), who were scrambling to get away from the noise, Ashton seemed transfixed. He was just standing by the restroom door, not going in, didn't seem to be coming out, and he had the most peculiar, almost devious expression on his face. Of course, Jerry knew Ashton somewhat---Ashton was touted as one of the most talented football players of the freshman class, and at their D1 school, that meant a lot. But this threw Ashton in a completely different light. Why on earth was he just standing there? And what was that strange look that passed across his face each time Richie bellowed out another monsterous, "HHHHHEEEEEESSSSSSSSCHHHHHOOOOOOOOoooooh!" Jerry was not a suspicious person by nature--and as Richie's twenty-one gun salute went on, he knew he had to check and see if Richie was alright--but he filed that instance away in his mind as yet another strange happening of college life.

The more important thing was to check on Richie. When it finally seemed that Richie's nose had calmed down enough that he'd be able to speak, Jerry ventured forth a, "Hey, man, you alright in there?"

"Jerry?" Richie responded, fearing the worst, "oh, god, don't tell me you could hear me all the way out..."

"No, no, man, I was just heading to the restroom when I heard the big bang from outside the door, don't worry. But what happened there? I didn't think you were ever going to stop!"

"N-neither did... oh, god, h-here ihhhh... here it gooohhhh... ohhhhh... oohhhhhh... ahh... HA-CHOOOOH! Man, thought I was done there," Richie give a liquid sniff, "but the aftershocks just sneak up on me."

"And speakin' of sneakin', there you guys are!" Adam quipped.

"Are you just everywhere?" Richie asked, half-laughingly, half-exasperated. Adam had the strangest habit of popping up everywhere.

"A magician never reveals his secrets, young Richard." Adam gave a sudden gasp before, "Ha-chooOOSH! Huh... hashhhooo! Ugh, must be in the air," Adam said, as he grabbed a tissue from the sink counter to blow his nose. He was a bit of a nasal honker, and his blows were decidedly louder than his generally quiet, gentle sneezes (although, in comparison to a Richie-cane, your average elephant was pretty quiet and gentle), and were much louder when he had a cold---because he didn't have Richie's almighty, head-clearing sneezes, he relied much more on forceful nose-blowing to blast out the itch from his nose, and still had far less success--unsurprisingly--that a full-force sneeze from Richie, even without a cold or that dreaded red pepper.

Richie, however, wasn't so sure that something was "in the air"; the humongous fit he'd just succumbed to made him almost positive: he was catching a cold.

"No, Adam, it's not 'in the air'--we're sick, and I'm going home." Richie declared. Adam was somewhat taken aback at his friend's unusually forceful tone, but he knew that, as always, he could joke his friend out of his resolve.

"Oh, you're not sick---granted, a 300-pound body builder with a bad head cold and a wind machine up his nose probably can’t compare to the ‘ol schozz-cannon you’ve’ got… but those, my friend, were not cold sneezes.”

“How do you know?” Richie demanded.

“I still have hearing in my right ear, obviously.”

[celestialholz]

Star Trek: Picard. MON CAPITAINE, HE’S BAAAACK. <3

Well, I am a British idiot without a decent proxy, but it’s Friday and therefore Captain Picard Day officially for my good self, so... about time we got with the damn times and DID SOME REVIEWIN’, mes amis. Spoilers abound, naturally. I’m going blow-by-blow, but also elaborating on some lovely things here and there. Jean-Luc Picard means a lot to me personally, I write about him a lot for those who may not know me, and I’ve been SO excited for this - but does it measure up? Spoiler warning: oh yeah. Hellllll yeah.

Warning: Many crudely-drawn hearts incoming. None of them are mechanical, sadly.

- Okay, first thing: this show is GORGEOUS. Oh my god, seriously. CBS knew they were running a potential gold mine here and spent the damn money to prove it. That sweeping into the Enterprise? The credits? Boston? Jesus, my eyes haven’t been treated so well since Avengers: Endgame. It’s a damn Michelin-starred FEAST. It strikes precisely the right balance of feeling gloriously alive and futuristic whilst having the vineyard be oh-so-current, and thus retro for the era. 1701 out of ten, boys. <3

- Data. Picard. Poker. My soul aches. This immediate rich banter is just... *pinch emoji* Ten Forward, man. TEN FORWARD.

- Give me the dog. Just give me him. I love Will, super stoked to see him again, but THIS is my new Number One. Shaped like a goddamn friend.

- Boston, huh? Jesus. Immediate action, immediate knowledge without any knowledge at all of who this chick is. Great writing. <3

- Credits! Already said they’re visually lovely, but the music is also surprisingly effective. Has this contrast of giving us quaint vibes mixed with 24th century tech; the real message of this show, laid out right there.

- Romulans! In the vineyard! Picard said alien rights! Love him. <3 This whole thing feels so very him - he can’t ever quite be stagnant, even back home. He’s out here being forward-thinking and socially progressive as fuck.

- He has a found family again. Of course he does. God, you can truly tell Patrick Stewart exec-produced this. <3

- Decaf earl grey. “You’re getting old, Johnny.” (Don’t drink decaf earl grey if you can help it, guys. It’s fucking terrible. I’m sure he knows this. Bless him.)

- Journalist? She’s going to be an arse, isn’t she?

- ... Oh yeah. And a prejudiced one, too! Lovely. /end British sarcasm I love that layering of this against “Romulan lives -” “Lives.” This new universe feels so deliciously alive at every turn; visually, socially, culturally... this is the vibe I WANTED from a sequel. Beautiful. <3

- Picard, here, in this scene. Just dear GOD. This is why this character is so enduring - he’s kind, warm, soulful, deeply intelligent, principled as all hell, and he’s become so embittered by this horrendous miscarriage of justice... the utopia’s failing, folks, and it’s a delight. Patrick sells the absolute shit out of this whole thing like the absolute asset he’s always been to this franchise, and just the CARE that has gone into his portrayal? I’m in love. Just give me fucking ALL of it. He feels so very him whilst also being richer and a touch bolder and christ, all these things Patrick’s said about loving Picard and wanting to portray him faithfully shine here so very clearly. Flawless. <333333 

- Oh, and all of that, but also THROWBACK THURSDAY. <3 These flashbacks will murder me, I’m certain of it. Retro and new in perfect harmony.

- Oh, here’s the kid! And hang on, an intriguing quote... “You just wave your hand and it all goes away”? Can we just... step back and think about what that’s a reference to, because fuck, dude, I MAY JUST HAVE TO WATCH TAPESTRY AGAIN. (Hardly a chore, let’s be real. I’m a Q stan, leave me be. It’s likely not a reference of course, but for the love of the Continuum, give me De Lancie. This shit already can’t improve so far, just LET IT IMPROVE ANYWAY.) 

- This interview-on-a-random-screen thing is great, too; I love the dichotomy of it. Picard’s out here being principled and wonderful, solely for our eyes and the girl’s. It’s literally background info at this point and it’s a lovely little aside to how Picard’s just been here the whole time, abiding by what he believes in without any real fuss. 

- ... That lovely little vineyard confrontation. Yes, yes, yes. Dad vibes without being a dad. I so didn’t want him to be a dad, it’s so painfully out of character, and I’m so glad they went with ‘lovely old uncle’ instead. <3 This whole scene just again pitches Picard amazingly.

- Can I have that firepit, Jean-Luc? Thanks, Captain.

- ... Hold the entire galaxy’s collection of phones: IS THIS CHICK LAL?! How the hell would that even work?! Bro...

- This nostalgia suite thing in the archives? Incredible. The banner? He hated that shit, we all know this, but it meant something to him deep down, that those children had his respect and admiration, that he felt so inspiring to others... how very telling that it’s one of the things he chose to keep. <3 Parallels not-Lal and this whole mini-arc thing wonderfully.

- ... Is her name supposed to sound like Vash’s? Is that a coincidence? Anyway, she’s not Lal, which makes much more sense, but she is... Data’s daughter? When the sodding hell did that happen? Oh, I really don’t care, honestly. It’s beautiful. All these Data flashbacks continue to kill me, and just for the love of it, let’s chuck some Captain in there, uniform and all! Gaaah. Who gave Patrick Stewart the right to still be this attractive, good lord above. Brent out here absolutely nailing this naive joy we loved so much back in the day, too... <333

- That chat about Dajh (possibly? The sweet and misguided android chick, giving me major Amanda Rogers vibes - I was too excited to look up the spelling, do forgive me) and her connection to Data, and what it means to Picard? Lovely. Absolutely adorable.

- ... And we come to my only minor gripe with all of this joy - why in the name of all positrons was Dajh introduced and then more or less immediately blown to tiny android pieces? Can’t help but feel the potential she had was wasted. I understand that we needed a Picard catalyst to get him back in the game, but I feel as though she’d have done that whilst still being alive. Although, I’m not going to be too harsh on it... “I haven’t been living, I’ve been waiting to die” is a thousand percent the quote of 2020 twenty-three days in and I just about screamed. I’ve got Tapestry vibes again, my god. This man is such a legend. <333333

-  I was becoming rather invested in dear Dajh, though, and I know we have her identical twin elsewhere (more on that shortly) but that’s sort of like giving me Lore and expecting me to be fine without Data. Speaking of which... 

- B-4. In a drawer. Near a door? Well, probably about thirty metres away from one. Love it. And a Maddox namedrop at the same time as something of an explanation! Actually really enjoyed this tie-in to old lore (pun fully intended, folks) whilst being coherent in its own right. God, I’d love to see a non-Trekkie watch this, they’d be so fucking baffled...

- Okay, even with all I’ve said about the visuals, that segway from neuron necklace to space was spectacular. I’m never going to need an eye test again. <3

- Nice guy Romulan. Awww. Someone hug his awkward soul. Dajh’s twin looks immediately less interesting (as evidenced by the fact I’ve forgotten her name - it definitely starts with ‘S’) but I’m definitely reserving judgement for now, I’m sure she’ll be as great as the rest of this show.

- ... That’s a cube, isn’t it?

- IT’S A CUBE. WITH ROMULANS. WHO AREN’T ASSIMILATED. Did they steal it? How the hell did they steal it? Do they have an alliance? What the fuck is happening? Picard did not sign back up two minutes ago for this shit guys!

... Well, basically, tl;dr? Modern, socially developed, stunning; retro in flawless contrast, with an even richer and more nuanced main character than ever who still feels so very himself, which is all I ever wanted. Fucking fantastic. Is it Friday again yet? Can your esteemed reviewer hit up a proxy next week and not die in anticipation of whatever the shit that ending was being perhaps explained a little more?

To be continued...

[trickkombowerskru]

The Bowers Gang’s Crushes  Hang Out  With Them After A Bad Lay

Request: Anonymous: Their crush is pissy because their last fuck was a disappointment in bed and they had to fake everything so here they are hanging out with them hoping to distract and themselves cheer themselves up with their favorite person. Bowers gang?

A/N: Sorry this took so damn long my dude

Warnings: Mentions of sex

Henry

Ugh

That's the only way you could describe what happened last night

Bobby was absolutely terrible in bed

He put all his needs before yours

Didn't last long

And you had to fake everything

EVERYTHING 

It was a pain in the ass to have to get yourself off after he fell asleep

But you didn't wanna think about the shitty lay anymore

You just wanted to get it off your mind 

And raise some hell

Luckily you knew the perfect person for that

Your unexpected friend Henry Bowers

You and Henry kinda has an unspoken friendship all the way back to Kindergarten

You kinda just looked out for each other 

Like an instinct

And over the years you became better friends

While he wasn't your best friend by any means you two were still really close

He notices something off about you but doesn't question it

You just tell him you wanna raise hell and he smiles

He knew exactly where to go

You two just fuck around all over Derry before stopping at the cheap yet absolutely delicious diner in the hill

"Okay so what's up your ass?"

"Nothing."

"Oh come on can we not that the thing were you say nothin' is wrong and then I gotta spend like 10 or 15 minutes pullin' it outta ya?" 

"Just a bad lay that's all."

"Oh is Reyes bad in the sack?"

"Awful. He finished so fast, gave no consideration to me and I had to fake everything. I mean EVERYTHING."

"Even?"

"Yup."

"Wait girls can do that?"

"Yeah. Why? Is that news to you?"

"Well shit now I need to know if any bitches faked it with me."

"They probably didn't. I don't know how you are, but anything is better than the sad excuse he gave me."

"How can you tell if it's faked?"

"YOU can't only we can."

"Well fuck."

"Yup. Anyway can we just not talk about it anymore? I don't wanna think about it."

"Okay."

You two eat before Henry smirks

"I bet I could make you cum."

"I don't doubt it after last night." you say not admitting to him, that you thought of him last night when you were getting off

"You're on Bowers."

And boy did he make up for Bobby's short coming and MORE

Patrick

"Hey Princess. Sorry Steven sucked in the sack."

"What? How? How did you know that?"

"I got instinct and you don't have the good sex glow."

You decided not to question how the hell Patrick knew that and just tell him

You came to him after all

"Oh well yeah Josh was terrible. And right now he's the last thing I wanna think about right now."

"Fair enough."

You two just get into all kinds of trouble

Even egging his house running away laughing before his mom can see you

"So I got a proposition for ya."

"What?"

"I bet I can make you cum  for real." he pipes up referencing the fact you faked it with Josh

Oh you didn't doubt he could for a second besides being really hit Patrick was FAR more experienced

"Okay I'll bite. And if you don't?"

"I'll give you $50."

"Upfront?"

"Upfront."

"Oh you're on Hocksttetter."

Yeah needless to say you were a goner

Patrick not only claimed you as his

But before he even really got in you were a goner already cumming once

Because DAMN the combo of that boys tongue and fingers were MAGIC

And he made you unravel quite a few times after that

Vic

You just needed some fun

After Peter's shit last night

You called up Vic

Figuring he could get your mind off of it

He took you down to the ice cream shop

Getting you each a scoop

You talk for a bit before you just burst out with what happened

"Hell I bet you could make me cum before he ever could."

He turns red and that's how you know he was interested

"Oh. Did you wanna actually try because-"

"O-Only if you want me to."

And oh you did

Your point was proven correct

Belch

Johnny was the WORST

Absolute worst

Thank god Reggie was available

He could take you for a long drive

And just get your mind off the whole thing

You gradually let out everything that happened

And you noticed him getting gradually more flustered

"W-Wait girls can fake that?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I just....I didn't know"

"Well we can. I mean ugh last night was just so bad. No consideration for me at all."

"Sorry bout' that. If it makes you feel any better I think a guy should always focus on his girl first."

You smile

"Course ya do because you're actually sweet and don't just care about "sticking it in" "

He blushes harder

One thing lead to another and before you knew it you were back at your place

Getting proven to just how much he put the girl's pleasure first

And boy were you under prepared for how much the answer was