#because not only did starfall happen so did the rite?

[ecce-felix]

i dont really do tiktok or any other social media, so while i KNOW the majority of acotar fandom hates nesta (part of the reason i love her actually bc if an entire famously misogynistic fandom hates her she must be That Bitch) i tend to ignore it/cultivate the content i see to avoid it bc i value my peace and i dont care what they have to say so when there’s a fuckwit posting shit about her in her tag i get Very Pissy 

[aldbooks]

Finally came home from work not wanting to immediately crash into bed so worked on the Gwynriel Starfall drabble I mentioned the other day.

So here, have your pain. Be prepared for tears.

TW: discussions of grief, allusions to self harm/thoughts

---

A hush fell over the gathered crowd as the lights dimmed and everyone's gaze turned skyward. It was then Azriel noticed that Gwyn was no longer among the crowd.

Truth be told, he'd been somewhat surprised she'd accepted the invitation to the annual Starfall party Rhys- and now Nesta- hosted at the House of Wind. The Blood Rite the prior year had clearly shaken the priestess, which he did not fault her for in the slightest, but the result was that- according to her friends- some of the progress she'd made towards leaving the Library and the priestess hood behind had regressed. This party was meant to be a reintroduction of sorts to life outside, reacquainting Gwyn with what it feels like to socialize with new people.

She would be safe here, he knew that. Even with all the visiting guests from other courts, between himself, Cassian, Nesta, Emerie and even Rhys and Mor, someone would always be looking out for her should she find herself overwhelmed. Yet, when he looked around a moment before, he had see Nesta, and Emerie chatting with Cresseida, Cassian had been having a lively discussion with Helion, Rhys and Feyre were showing off their son to group of adoring admirers, and Mor and Amren were drinking and laughing in a corner with Vivianne. Everyone was accounted for- except Gwyn.

But he hadn't seen her leave.

He could sense his shadows urging him back inside and he allowed them to lead him as they propelled up through the House and up the stairs to the training ring. There, laying on one of the training mats that had been left out from the morning, with her dress fanned around her legs, was Gwyn.

She didn't make a sound as he approached, just lay there, arms splayed out at her sides, staring up at the night sky where the stars had begun to fall. She didn't even acknowledge him as he crouched to sit beside her but, as he got closer, he noticed a lone tear glittering on her cheek.

Instantly concerned, he reached out to gently swipe it away, growing evermore concerned as she continued to ignore his presence as though she were not aware of him.

"Gwyn," he asked softly. She did not look at him but he saw the slight flicker of her eyes that said she'd heard him. "Are you alright?"

Her lips parted but all that escaped was a choked breath. His shadows immediately slithered towards her, wrapping consolingly around her arm. Some unnamed feeling sparked in his chest at her obvious distress by he tamped it down. "May I join you?"

Carefully, he stretched out beside her, the tips of his fingers a bare inch from hers and for a long moment, neither of them spoke while they watched the sky.

After what felt like hours while his mind swirled with concern, wondering what had upset her so badly, she said-"It's been four years."

He blinked, momentarily nonplussed.

"I haven't watched Starfall properly in four years, since before-" She didn't finish the sentence, but she didn't have to.

Since before the attack on Sangravah. Since those brutes had abused her. Since she'd come to the library.

Since she'd lost her sister.

Somehow, he knew it was the last point that bothered her the most.

He said nothing, allowing her to speak her thoughts in her own time. Slowly but surely, she did.

"At first, it was because it had only just happened. I'd barely been in the Library a month. Time- or rather, the passing of it, I suppose, still didn't seem real. Nothing felt real."

There was a painful constriction in his chest as he listened to her and familiar guilt rose in him. She was yet another person he'd failed to save. Sure, she was alive and well now, but he hadn't been able to spare her the pain and indignity of what those bastards had done to her. Had not been able to spare her the horror of watching her twin die in front of her. Hadn't been able to save any of the many of other priestesses who'd lost their lives that terrible night.

"After that I- I stayed in my rooms, didn't even look out the window. It was a punishment of sorts, I think. Because I was here and she wasn't." Her voice became choked, and he knew she'd begun crying again. "She would never see these things again, why should I?"

Azriel felt a stab of pain at her words. Had that not been the exact thought he and Cass and Mor had had that first year without Rhys? Knowing he was locked under that mountain, unable to see the stars they all loved so much, why should they be allowed to enjoy it? Of course, Rhys had eventually come home... Gwyn's sister never would.

"That first year was the hardest," she continued through her tears. "The holidays and celebrations were the worst I think. Catrin and I had always shared them together just like we shared everything. And then I was suddenly alone, and I felt- I felt so lost. Sometimes I hated her for it. For leaving me here with all these memories and all this pain- she left me alone-"

Her breath stuttered as she held back a sob and Azriel felt his throat grow tight.

"There were nights- dark nights- when I thought about- when I wanted to join her...."

Azriel's heart stilled, his body going cold all over as something roared inside of him, screaming in fury at the thought of never knowing this woman. Of not watching her grow and flourish into the warrior he now knew. But he couldn't say the feeling she described was foreign to him.

He may never have lost someone so precious to him that he felt compelled to join them in the beyond. Indeed, he often had to acknowledge how blessed he was that every single soul he cared about was still on this earth. But there had been times if he'd wondered if perhaps they might all be better if he were not there.

He said none of this out loud. He wasn't ready to acknowledge those thoughts, not now. But... one day... She understood, he realized, she would understand, she would not judge him. Perhaps one day, he'd tell her what he'd never told anyone else.

Her soft voice brought him back to the present.

"It wasn't until that first Solstice without her, when I was attending service and the priestess spoke about darkness giving birth to light, and the renewal of the Mother, that I realized I had found solace in those moments int he chapel. In song, in prayer, in reflection... And I realized, she would not have wanted this for me. For me to remain hidden away from the world. She would have wanted me to live..."

She sucked in a shaky breath and when she spoke again her voice was broken. "She would have been so disappointed in me-"

Azriel's heart ached unbearably. He inched his hand to the side, his fingers seeking hers, seeking permission to touch and she allowed it, wrapping her hand around his and squeezing tightly.

"I couldn't bear it- I was disappointed in myself as well. Disappointed that I wasn't ready, that I could barely stomach the thought of leaving this place that had become my haven- my safe port in a storm..."

"It wasn't until I met Nesta- and Emerie- and Cassian.... and you- that I started to feel like I didn't need that port anymore. I could be my own anchor. But I was- am, still scared..."

Azriel was incapable of speaking with the well of emotion in him, so he just squeezed her hand back, trying to convey without words that it was ok that she was still scared. That whenever she was ready, Nesta and Emerie, Cass and himself would all be there to catch her when she jumped.

He would always be there to catch her.

He'd thought his heart had broken as he listened to her describe her grief, but it was the stark regret in her next words that shattered him.

"What if I missed her?"

He didn't know what she meant at first, until he realized she wasn't just looking up at the stars that streaked by. She'd been scanning them, as though looking for something.

"When her soul passed through from this world, what if I missed her while I was hiding away in my room like a coward? I- I never got to say goodbye- what if I missed her?"

Azriel squeezed his eyes shut, unable to hold back his own tears any longer. After a moment, he managed to say. "So say it now. Say goodbye. I'm sure- wherever she is, she hears your heart. She knows." He turned his head to look at her and found her looking back at him with a fathomless expression that begged for absolution. "Goodbye isn't for her, Gwyn. It's for you. So say it now, if you're ready to."

Fresh tears filled her eyes, making them glisten in the starlight, almost like they were glowing. Her chin wobbling slightly, she turned back to the sky, squeezing her eyes shut as her lips moved in a silent prayer until sobs overtook her.

With a slight tug on her hand, she rolled into his side, pressing her face his shoulder as she sobbed and he held her quietly through tears of his own until the stars faded and they drifted into sleep together, still clinging tightly to one another.

[acourtofthought]

Two Ways of Looking at Bonus POVs

(contains TOG spoilers)

Cassian received a POV - then got the the first book after Feyre's

Chaol received a POV - then got the very next book.

Therefore Az receiving a POV = his book next.

But maybe there's more to it than that.

Cassian's mating bond with Nesta was first hinted at in his POV which took place halfway through ACOMAF:

That first afternoon, he’d looked at her—not at the face and the body that human men marked, but her—and he had seen it all.

Every instinct in his body came roaring to the surface, so violent hehad to choke them with a brutal grip or else he’d fnd himself on his knees, begging her for a touch, for anything.

Cassian breathed in the smell of her into his lungs, stirring his cock as it latched onto some intrinsic part of him and sank its talons deep. Nesta Nesta Nesta

It was not until 1.5 books later (2 if you include the novella) that the Nessian mating bond was accepted in SF.

We were also introduced to the Elucien bond in the same book (though theirs was confirmed) and now we've had 2 .5 books (including the novella) without an acceptance or rejection.

So with these standalone books, it's looking like SJM teases the idea of a bond between two characters then shelves it for a bit, creating a storyline to push them away before the acceptance of their bond. It's not "here's your mate and you get your HEA in the next book". She could have waited to introduce Nessian or Elucien's bonds in ACOWAR but she instead introduced them early on knowing it was going to be years before they actually got together. For Nessian it was almost 2 years from the first hints of their bond to their acceptance and for Elucien it's been over 2 years. Maybe she does that to demonstrate that just because people have a bond, they don't run headfirst into a relationship with one another, they still make the choice to be together.

So what about Chaol? His bonus showed him on a boat headed to the healers and his story immediately picked up with him on the same ship. However, his bonus did not feature Yrene and there were no hints that Yrene was Chaol's mate (humans in TOG didn't have fae bonds). There can be no argument that they only chose one another because of their bond which means SJM didn't need to create the passing of time between them meeting and falling in love since there was no magical force drawing them together, a thing that leads some to doubt the validity of a couples feelings.

Chaol's bonus is not the same as Cassian's or Azriel's or even Lucien's pov when we slipped into his mind:

Cassian’s bonus featured hints to his endgame and ended with Nesta still human -> their book picked up after she'd been turned, fought in a war -> was struggling with her father's death (etc). His book started well after his bonus.

Azriel's bonus featured hints to his endgame and ended the day after Solstice . Since then they celebrated Starfall, the girls were forced into the Rite, Feyre almost died, etc) which means an Az book will not pick up where his bonus left off.

Chaol's bonus did not hint at his endgame and ended with him on a ship. His book picked up with him on that same ship, shortly after his bonus.

Both the Cassian and Azriel bonus chapters happened in the middle of another characters journey in order to introduce the possibility of their bond early on, then SJM redirected us back to the POV of the other character.

If you place the Cassian bonus chapter in chronological order, the hints of his bond with Nesta came before the reveal of the Elucien mating bond which took place at the end of MAF.

We were first introduced to the possibility of the Nessian bond, then the Elucien bond, then the Gwynriel bond.

So far we've had Nessian's story.

If SJM is basing the acceptance of her bonds off when they were introduced because she prefers to allow her pairings time to evolve before accepting the bond then it's possible it's not Bonus = Person who gets the next book but "order of introduction of possible bond" = who gets the next book.

Chaol's extra chapter had nothing to do with Yrene and everything to do with the plot that was immediately following it (he was on a boat headed to another kingdom, and his POV book picked up from there).

Cassian needed a bonus chapter so we could see the hints of his bond, so we could see exactly what he was feeling towards Nesta and the instincts he was having from his own pov. Since Cassian wasn't given a pov within the actual book and SJM wanted us to see that he suspected / felt drawn to her before others noticed it, a bonus chapter was the only way to go about it. However his bonus didn't have much to do with the setup for ACOWAR or even the setup for his own book.

Azriel needed a bonus chapter so we could see the hints of his possible bond with Gwyn. There was no other way for us to be introduced to the way Gwyn made him feel without it since anything else could have only been Nesta or Cassian's perception of it. But just as SJM allowed time to pass between the introduction and acceptance of Nessian's bond, she could be doing the same with Gwynriel. And chances are, we're not going to see Az and Lucien fighting in the Blood Duel or Az fighting for Mor in the Blood Duel so it doesn't seem like his bonus has anything to do with plot either (outside the romance).

Lucien did not need a bonus to have his bond hinted at because it became part of the actual story. He has a confirmed bond with Elain and Feyre slipped into his mind to show us the instincts he was having toward her. A standalone Lucien Bonus Chapter would be redundant at this point because we already know who his mate is. And plenty of time has passed meaning that SJM has been able to demonstrate that Elain hasn't gone running into his arms for the sole fact that they are mates. Elucien ending up together at this point would clearly be a result of choice from getting to know one another in their book and not because of their bond.

(I also believe an Elain Bonus Chapter would be way too spoilery. I don't think we're ever getting one for her).

That's not to say this is SJMs thinking but since an argument can be made for it, I think there is still hope for an Elucien endgame in the next book.

[mystical-blaise]

Hey Lauren,

I absolutely love your Fic and can't wait forbthe future chapters . I just wanted to know do you think ACOTAR 5 will be centred around the Autumn conflict or Illyrian? It could be a mix of the two but do you think one would be more heavily dealt with than the other

Hi there, Anon! Aww, well thank you so much! I know I'm excited to share the rest of the story and was working on the next chapter this morning, actually. Regarding your question. Personally, I think it could go either way or both. They both have links to Illyria and Autumn. Illyria with Azriel being an Illyrian and his hatred for them and Gwyn winning the Blood Rite. Autumn because Gwyn is definitely related to someone in the Autumn Court and Eris and Az have a history regarding Mor. It's probably dependent upon CC3 as well. We're not sure how long the crossover will be in terms of the timeline and what may need to happen. If Bryce is there during the Spring, there might be some connection to Starfall and they might need to get to Ramiel. Ramiel is forbidden. So, that may incite a conflict with the Illyrians if they need to sneak in. However, Eris seems to know a hell of a lot about the history that even Cassian didn't so I also wouldn't be surprised if there is information in Autumn that only they have. In truth, when I was outlining ACOWAS, I tried to put in an Illyrian plot but... to me, it didn't work (at least in terms of my fic). An Illyria fic leans more to Emorie TBH (she's female and Illyrian. I do recommend if you want a Gwynriel fic that deals with Illyria, Trial of the Valkyrie by @daevastanner on ao3 is top tier). Here's the thing. Yes, Azriel hates the Illyrians and their misogyny. But, mostly, I think he hates his father and what he did to his mother and the general hate is an extension of that. And now we have seen inside his head that his hate for his father is definitely internalized into self-loathing.

To me, this is less of an I need to go to Illyria and discover they're good. He's met Emerie. He knows this. In my opinion, this is a personal struggle of self-worth, which is why I think his story lends to a Tower of Dawn situation in terms of Azriel's storyline. I see striking similarities to where Chaol is at the beginning of ToD and where Az will be after TT goes bye-bye in CC3.

For Gwyn? I don't think Illyria is going to be an issue unless the Valkyries are going there to recruit, which they could. But, we got a ton of info about Gwyn's mom, her link to Autumn, and Eris was heavily featured in ACOSF not to be used in ACOTAR5. So, if I have to choose, I'm leaning more Autumn over Illyria.

[vidalinav]

More House of Wind Headcanons: Rooms/Floors Edition

These actually help me a lot writing Queen of Queens, sort of like jotting down notes for your fic. So here goes!

There are four levels; the main (top), the first floor of bedrooms, where Cassian and Azriel stay, the second floor of bedrooms where Nesta stays and where there’s a private library, the third level that has the kitchen, and then the levels that start being the library. (This is canon-taken straight from the beginning of ACOSF) 

But there starts being more levels and rooms in between the actual house and the library, and NO ONE knows where they came from. Nesta very much thinks it’s the House; however, EVERYONE else thinks that it’s Nesta who did it unknowingly. Because if she’s not in the house, the rooms do not exist. They start thinking that maybe the House is siphoning magic from Nesta, but it is really just Nesta. Whatever she imagines in the house, exists. 

First Floor: 

Is just the main floor. Honestly not much of it changes, because of the formality of it being the floor that business is held. The House could change it and change it back, but Nesta thinks that’s a hassle, because then every time someone comes over she’s like do you need this room? And so she doesn’t bother with it. They really stop eating in that dining room anyways, so it becomes a stage house that is sort of the beware all who come here type of entrance. The only time it actually changes is during holidays, but they end up having a terrarium of sorts to the side of the house on the mountain outside so.... starfall eventually gets mostly held in there, because it’s also controlled by the House’s heart, but the only way you access that is through the third floor, so the top floor is again just for show. 

Second Floor: 

Ends up being Azriel’s floor and the floor for guests. The House/Nesta redecorate and it’s a lot more apartment-ish. One side of the floor is a large apartment for azriel and the other half is a hallway that leads to more rooms for guests. Each room is made up for specific people, just in case they stay over. All of them are soundproof. Nesta made sure of it. There’s like maybe six rooms. Emerie and Gwyn stay quite often, and Gwyn starts staying their way more often when she starts the process of actually leaving the library, but since she technically still lives there, Clotho is like well... if you just want to keep working here you can, which she does. Emerie stays there more often, because her winning the Rite starts making it harder for her to live in Illyria. Also winnowing back and forth for training is like more steps than necessary and she doesn’t like having to rely on anyone... except that Mor happens to winnow her often, which she appreciates. She still does live of course in Illyria, but her friends are in Velaris, so she struggles with if she wants to live there or not. Because that’s her livelihood, but Nesta is like do what you want and let the house know. Eventually she gives her a key, but that will be explained later in this long ass thread. 

Third Floor: 

This is Nesta and Cassian’s home which is so pretty and Nesta’s whole aesthetic. Again it’s more apartment-ish. Of course, there’s one hallway that you know has the stairs and leads to the terrarium/sunroom place and the small private library, but otherwise most of the rooms get combined to be just Nesta’s and Cassian’s. It really looks like a large house. Besides their room which has the biggest bed you’ve ever seen, there’s of course so many windows on this floor. Some are the balcony's carved out, some are just giant windows. There’s one window in the living room/ private library that opens, but is technically not a balcony, and there’s flowers along the window sill, which Nesta loves and of course she can see all of the city. The whole floor is very bright, cream and blue is the theme. A mixture of seaside and hygge. I feel which I have pictures of on pinterest lol. But there are maybe three empty rooms for when Nesta and Cassian decide to have kids. Nesta caps it at three. But actually one of these rooms gets filled in my fic, but not because of a baby that they have themselves. But I’ll let y’all unpack that one. The private library gets decorated on a regular basis with holidays and when they’re having small family gatherings or have a war meeting, they use this place. It has a large table in the middle for studying, so it’s a good place, and it’s just a way more comfortable, happier setting. There’s also cat fixtures that climb up the walls and cat doors that lead to the most obscure places for Bryaxis when he’s a cat, for those of you who’ve read that fic idea post. Maybe you haven’t. 

The Terrarium/sunroom place: 

This place has a literal pond in the middle. It is so large, and there are wild plants all to the side of it, even in the middle of winter, because it’s like a greenhouse. All of it is windows. It is tucked away, on the side of the mountain, you can only reach it from Nesta and Cassian’s floor and it is a gift from the House to Nesta and Cassian as a mating present... sort of. It’s mostly to Nesta. It has A LOT of poisonous, carnivorous plants. Which Nesta learns are useful... because she starts dabbling in her witchy magic and she learns how to make poisons. This place starts being like a lab almost. If she learns magic, she does it here, away from the House with actual people in it. But on Starfall, they do start having the celebration here, because it is the perfect view of the stars. It is the closest you can get without being splattered by star guts and the windows of course clean themselves. You can access outside through here, so sometimes they’ll just open up the doors and go outside to the porches that surround it. Elain will come here often, mostly because she does want to hang out with Nesta and Nesta is not keen on going anywhere, so at first she goes because she’s like well I can take care of your plants, and Nesta is like the House takes care of it, but if you want I guess... and she does take care of them, and actually while Nesta excels at all things magic, it’s really Elain who starts exceling at poisons. They kind of bond over it lol. 

What floor am I on? Fourth Floor: 

Is where the kitchen is. Nesta never goes here. Elain goes here every once in a while, especially when she tries to make Nesta things, but Nesta is very adamant that the House will do it for her, but at some point the House is like let your sister do something for you! So it withholds her desserts. Elain is very happy to oblige and most of the time, it is just Nesta sitting on a stool by the work table, warmed by the heat of the oven, her music playing from the symphonia, and Elain smiling softly as she works, perfectly content, while Nesta reads a book or talks about what she learned in the library this week or that. It is very hard to get Nesta to talk sometimes, so Cassian is actually immensely  grateful that Elain gets more pushy about communicating with Nesta and having her talk with her more. Not on a super deep level, but a companionship to have, because Nesta is mostly introverted, except for occasional instances, and if she can, she will avoid personal connection at all costs. It’s just a habit. There are certainly days where Nesta is more subdued that most, and usually he’ll give it a couple days, but if she’s still sort of off by the end of the week, that’s when Elain comes. She actually shows up by herself and Cassian’s always like how did you know and how did you even get here? And she’s like it’s a sister thing. Nesta and her get closer this way. 

So, on the Fifth floor: 

These are the floors that start being based off of whatever Nesta wants to see, because that’s how she unknowingly does magic. 

On this floor, there is a massive ballroom. I’m telling you there are fountains on the walls with cherubs, paintings on the ceilings that both look angelic and looks like clouds are in the sky and they’re moving. It’s bedecked in white and gold and there are crystal chandeliers hanging from the domed ceiling and it is so tall. It’s like a cathedral, and every time music plays which it does as soon as Nesta walks in, it echoes in there. Like loud, moaning sounds. Cassian thinks its creepy af, but Nesta loves that haunting sort of extravagances, and she swears she can see shadows dancing along with her. She starts taking private dance lessons in my fic, and this is where she practices. It has a lot of giant bouquets. 

But not only that there are two rolling staircases and when you go up them, that level is a theatre. Reds and velvet, and dim faelights that float in the air as if they’re floating on water. Think Phantom of the Opera. This “room” most of the time goes unused, but Nesta specifically starts being like well... I’m a big fan of the arts and music, so let’s start hosting things here. And it starts becoming a really big thing to be invited to these things. However, it’s mostly because Nesta still doesn’t really want to go out into the city, but she does want to hear a symphony. So it’s actually Cassian’s idea at first, to invite the orchestra to play at their home theatre for a surprise, and it just becomes a thing and citizens are invited, because it’s just a huge theatre to just be 2 people. However the stairs are a big problem, but we get passed that, but I’ll go into detail about that later.

Sixth floor: 

Is just one narrow hallway that leads to one door. But that door can lead you anywhere. And Nesta has a really hard time figuring out how to use it. Because one of the powers Nesta has, instead of winnowing, in my fic, is that she can open any door and go anywhere she wants, provided that there is a door, even one she draws. But she doesn’t figure that out until she figures out this door. So, for a while, she keeps opening the door and it leads to the riverfront estate, and Rhys is so freaked out that she just pops out of the closet, and she’s so freaked out too. But she closes the door and when Rhys tries to open it, it’s just a closet, and he’s like all looking through it like wth, knocking on the wood. But when Nesta opens it, it’s not even the house, it’s like a large dark abyss and some monster starts trying to claw it’s way out, so she shuts it really quick and the door keeps pounding and she’s like never again. And she gets very wary about opening anything, except many times the IC will ask her to use this door, so that they can find things. Similarly to scrying, where she knows the locations of things, she can open the door thinking of that specific object and she’ll end up being in that location. Nesta does not like this door, because she thinks it has a mind of its own, even though a lot of it is just her controlling where it goes. But because of this door, she learns that she can make any door a portal, so she ends up “drawing” a door at the base of the mountain outside which becomes an actual door which leads to the theatre. Also, she learns that there are a specific set of keys that the House gifts her, which unlocks and locks these portals she makes attached to the house specifically. Cassian and Emerie of course have one, but she gifts two also to Feyre and Elain on the premise that if they should ever need her and for some reason cannot fly up and obviously don’t want to climb the stairs or if they’re somewhere else entirely, they can visit her and be lead back by just unlocking any door they’re by and it will make a door to the House. Eventually she learns to have the door open to the seaside. And let me tell you, think Japan’s Hitachi Seaside park, with all the nemophilia (blue flowers), but all of it eventually coming to end at a beach or water striking the cliffside, still haven’t decided on that. 

I think that’s all the floors, but tbh, there might be more. I’m just super tired and I can’t think anymore or describe things. So for now, that concludes the House of Wind, Rooms and Floors Edition. Let me know if y’all have any headcanons or suggestions that you might want to see! Bye. 

[thespianbooks]

A Court of Nightmares and Starlight //Chapter 2//

(Chapter 1) (Chapter 2) (Chapter 3) (Chapter 4) (Chapter 5) (Chapter 6) (Chapter 7) (Chapter 8) (Chapter 9) (Chapter 10)

Maybe I was sick.

As a high fae, I had never actually been sick before. In fact, I hadn’t been sick since before that fateful day in the woods; when I shot an arrow and killed Andras in his beast form. I cringed, my stomach churning at the reminder of Tamlin and his court. The memories of my past human life, of my life at the Spring Court, were only going to make me feel worse just as I was beginning to feel better. A few days had passed since I jolted awake and puked my guts up in the middle of the night. At first, I thought it was a one-off. A recurring nightmare that reared its ugly head, and my negative reaction to it. However, the next day my nausea spell returned with a vengeance in the middle of a painting lesson at my studio in the Rainbow. I barely had enough time to excuse myself and leave Ressina in charge before winnowing back into my bathing room at the estate before hugging the toilet again for the rest of the hour. By that evening, I had miraculously been able to eat a light dinner, but after a fitful couple hours of sleep that was plagued by another nightmare, I was in the bathing room once again.

I managed to hide my illness from the others that day, but I knew Mor was suspicious the next when I showed up to breakfast and only nibbled on a piece of bread with butter. She was the first to theorize I had the flu, and both Elain and Nesta prompted the question on whether fae could actually get sick. Elain was more curious than Nesta, who simply snorted a remark about how she thought fae were too powerful for common viruses. While it was meant to be more of a snarky comment than an actual question, I couldn’t blame her for it. After learning about how terrorizing a female's cycle was during my first year after being Made, I had also been curious regarding what other ailments fae experienced.

Such powerful immortal beings, like myself, aren’t so vulnerable to the common cold like humans are Feyre darling, Rhys had remarked with an amused grin when I asked him about it. But there are times we do fall prey to it on occasion. Although, it's more like a nasty, lingering flu since our symptoms are more severe than humans.

It made sense; as immortal beings with magical abilities, we wouldn’t experience the same ailments our human counterparts would. When we did, it would be more enhanced; just like a female's cycle was more exaggerated than a humans. I supposed as a more powerful and stronger being than a human, dramatic ailments were the trade-off. The more I thought about it, I figured Mor had probably been right, because as the next day and a half passed, my nausea spells lingered along with some body-aches and fatigue. I also noted a strange and faint glimmer in the pit of my stomach. It had been there for the last couple of days, and it felt strangely instinctual--intuitive, rather than a symptom of my illness. I thought of it even now, as I sat in the library with Mor and Elain; finalizing details for the party we were throwing on Starfall in a couple of weeks.

For the most part, my symptoms had subsided today. The nausea still lingered through most of the morning, but now as lunch was approaching, I was confident I would be able to eat and keep a meal down. The nightmares had stopped as well, and I was finally able to get a full-night's rest. After the night they began, I made sure to keep my wall of adamant up for Rhys. My stupid illness was the least of his worries while he was in the Illyrian mountains, and the least of mine as well.

 “Feyre, what do you think?” Elain asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

I turned to her, “About what? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening,” I admitted, reminding myself that now wasn’t the time to be drifting away in thought.

Mor giggled, amused. “I told you she wasn’t listening to anything we were just talking about. She’s too busy daydreaming and worrying about things she shouldn’t be worrying about.”

I rolled my eyes, “Well excuse me, Mor, but as High Lady I think I do have plenty to worry about,” I argued, but she merely waved it away.

“Leave the Illyrian camps to Rhys. He, Cassian, and Az can handle whatever situation might be brewing,” she reasoned.

I tried not to notice the way Elain’s face seemed to redden at the mention of the shadowsinger. While it was no secret that she and Azriel spent more time together since moving into the estate, I knew Elain still tried to avoid any conflict with Mor; despite the secret Mor still hadn’t revealed in the last decade. She had centuries at hiding her closeted feelings, and just as I had promised her during the war, I wasn’t about to reveal a thing. Despite wanting to ease Elain’s nerves in regards to the Cassian-Mor-Azriel situation, I knew it wasn’t my place. We had plenty of time to see things worked out as they should.

Nesta, on the other hand, had little regard for their delicate circumstance. On the rare occasion that she would join us for dinner, she frequently bit out any remark she could when she noticed any connection between Azriel and Elain. In the last decade, her hard edge did not soften a bit. Some years ago, I realized that would probably never change, and although she seemed in a better place now than she previously had been after the war, I was glad to know she was at least slowly allowing us back into her life. Things had been tense after I banished her from Velaris at the beginning of the decade, but after her period at Cassian’s cabin in the Illyrian mountains, I saw a flicker of hope on the horizon. She returned with Cassian after a year, and while I had been expecting nothing but contempt in those grey-blue eyes we shared, instead there was...an understanding. Our reunion was uneventful, but at least tensions were beginning to ease.

After learning Elain and I were working on the estate, she outright refused to have a room, but Elain insisted we include one anyway. She somehow managed to figure out a way to connect their quarters together, so at least when Nesta deigned to visit her, she would see she had a place of refuge from the rest of us. Amren and Elain were still the only ones she allowed closest to her; though from time to time I could hear her and Cassian with their usual verbal sparring matches in the library. She never discussed what happened in that cabin, at least not with me. I had an inkling she discussed it with Amren, but after her return I thought it best not to ask any questions. I was happy with our current standing, because at least she was here now and the rest could wait.

“I guess you’re right,” I amended, trying not to dwell on the Illyrian mountains and the tension Rhys, Cassian, and Azriel had to face in the camps.

“I’m sure they’re alright,” Elain added, “I’ve heard Cassian and Azriel talk about the Blood Rite. I bet they’re enjoying the final ceremonies right now.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of my lips as I nodded in agreement, noting how quickly she threw in Cassian’s name before Azriel’s.

“And they’ll be home in a couple of days, which means we have to finish up this work now before Rhys gets back and holes you up in that suite of yours for Cauldron knows how long” Mor shot me a knowing grin as she rolled her eyes in mock disgust.

Elain’s face flushed again, but I merely shrugged, “I can’t help it if my mate finds me irresistible.”

“Does he know you’ve been sick?”

I sneered, turning to the paperwork laid out in front of me, “Let’s get back to party planning, shall we?”

Mor grinned again, knowing she had made it under my skin but said nothing else about it as we spent the rest of the afternoon finalizing our plans. Since moving into the estate seven years ago, we moved our Starfall celebrations from the House of Wind here. Elain had been the one to suggest we hold a grand party for all of Velaris; knowing full well our expanse of land allowed for such an occasion. I had been so happy to see that she was finally starting to return to her old self; to see just a bit of the person she was before she was Made, that I couldn’t argue. Even Rhys and the rest of the inner circle approved of the idea, and it became an annual tradition for us.

To my relief, I was able to eat lunch and an early dinner without experiencing any more nausea. After my meeting with Mor and Elain, Mor whisked her away for a shopping trip at the Palace of Thread and Jewels. I opted out, happy to wear my traditional Starfall gown Rhys’s mother created for me. Well over a decade later, and I never tired of wearing the same gown every year; it bore too much sentimental value to wear anything else. After the first couple of years, I tried playing with the look by adding different pieces of jewelry, but after trying and failing at several attempts to match a jewelry set with the gown, I now let Nuala and Cerridwen style it to their heart's content. They were better at dressing me anyway.

I sighed, eyes drifting from the paperwork on my desk to my office around me. The wall of windows to my right allowed the natural light in; accenting my off-white furniture and the pale lilac rug in the center of the room. After the nightmares of darkness and closed-in walls, I wanted nothing but open air and light. I wanted our estate to allow us to view the city at night as it was intended; bright and colorful lights in the distance as well as mirroring off the river. I wanted to allow the elements and natural cycle of the day to reflect inside and for everything to simply breathe comfort and home. After everything we had been through, we all deserved this bit of peace--and the estate served as that peace. I smiled to myself as I reminisced over the furniture pieces Rhys and I mulled over; after noticing the off-white color scheme I was planning, his argument had been that since this was the Night Court after all, we should-

I bolted upright in my seat; startled by the sudden flicker in my abdomen that ripped me from my thoughts; that same instinctual flicker I noticed a few days ago. I paused as it fluttered for a few seconds, like a miniscule heartbeat pulsing through my core. Just as quickly as it had arrived, it vanished. I remained unmoving, scared that the nausea would return along with it. When I felt nothing, I slowly reclined in my seat, loosing the breath I held throughout the ordeal. I had been feeling that flutter for days and related it to my symptoms; now that I was on the mend, I expected that to have gone away as well. It was such a strange and foreign sensation. It wasn't outright physical, more like a gut feeling personified. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact way to describe it, the only thing I could relate it to was the bond Rhysand and I shared.

Perhaps it was the bond letting him know I was sick, because not even a second later I felt Rhys run a delicate finger along my shields. I willed my heart to slow before lowering them just enough to allow us to communicate.

I felt that, you know

Felt what? Innocent. Just play dumb.

He wasn’t falling for it. Felt whatever it was that just rattled inside of you. Did you have another nightmare?

I was silent for a minute. He didn’t know what it was either; probably assuming it had something to do with the other night. No, I wasn’t asleep.

Have you been sleeping?

I sighed, knowing I couldn’t hide the last few days from him forever. On and off, I’ve had a few nightmares here and there.

I could feel his dark shadows roiling and gathering from here; concern immediately taking over my mate. Do you need me to come home?

My heart fluttered at the thought, knowing deep down I did want him here. It didn’t matter how long we were apart, a few hours, days, weeks; I would always want my mate at my side, but the rational part of me knew we had our obligations to attend to. I had to remind myself that this wasn’t like that period of weeks I had infiltrated the Spring Court before the war with Hybern.

No. You’ll be home in a couple of days. I’m fine now, I had a couple of bad nights but last night was actually good. No nightmares, and no puking. Not a total lie, but I felt like I could omit the suspected illness I had been experiencing. For now. 

Those dark shadows lingered, as if trying to create a protective and calm aura around me. It was rare that Rhys had felt so possessive, and I knew it was an innate male-bonded reaction more than anything. Still, I felt his reluctance before he said anything else.

After this week is over, it's going to be a long time before I leave your side again

I smiled, part of me still finding it amusing when his feral male-bonded instincts took over. He still cringed and apologized whenever his overprotective behavior became too much and leaked out, but I knew it came from those primitive, feral ways of our ancestors. 

I wouldn’t complain. 

His shadows began to dissipate as he chuckled. The sound immediately filled me with want for him and I had to sigh deeply to quell it. I miss you.

I know

I could feel his smug grin as I sent him an image of my vulgar gesture. Prick

Always. I could almost see that grin on his handsome face as I moved from my seat behind my desk to an armchair on my attached balcony.

I’ll be back before you know it, my love, and we can resume our nightly attempts. Maybe this time apart is what we needed.

I looked out towards the city from my seat on the balcony, willing my heart not to ache at what he implied. The sun was setting on the horizon; its amber glow bathing me in its warmth as the image of my would-be son plagued my thoughts. I thought of the way those bright blue eyes sparkled, so like Rhys’s always did when the light caught them at a certain angle. He would be so beautiful.

Yes, he will be

I smiled, and closed my eyes as I leaned my head back. Just come back to me and we’ll see if we can actually make that happen 

Oh, I have every intention of making sure that we do

I had to bite my bottom lip in an attempt to once again repress my desire. I pictured his suggestive grin, throwing my shields up once again in response and as a goodbye.

That night, I dreamt of those bright near-violet eyes as I had pictured earlier. Only this time, they belonged to a young Illyrian male that greatly resembled the High Lord of the Night Court as said High Lord led him through the camps he would one day train in.

(tags: @df3ndyr @judexcardanxgreenbriar @emikadreams )