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clrasecretdiary · 2 months ago

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Am I allowed to cry? pt. 1 | Spencer Reid x Reader

In which you're in love with Spence, but never told him.

angst! (but don't worry, part two will be fluff)

warnings: Some light swearing and that's it i think (??)

content: Mutual pining (although spencer's side isn't really shown in this part)

a/n: I've been writing this one for 2 weeks and even deleted it once, but finally got to it and finished this!! Hope you guys like it <3

You had joined the BAU only 2 years after Spencer, and you two quickly became friends and only grew closer with time. Now, 5 years after meeting, you two we’re best friends, joined at the hip. Spencer was the greatest friend you could have, understanding and loving. Maybe that’s why your stupid brain decided to complicate things, at some point you started to see Spencer in a different light.

One day, when you were having the worst cramps ever during a case, Spencer went out of the precinct the team was at, when he came back he had bought you chocolates and heating pads to help with the pain. You felt like you could cry, and after he gave you one of his beautiful smiles, you realized.

Oh fuck… I'm in love with Spencer Reid.

That day, you also swore you would never tell him, there’s no way he felt the same, and you would not ruin the perfect friendship you both had.

What you seemed to forget about was that, at some point, Spencer was going to get a date, a girlfriend or whatever, and you didn’t even stop to think how you would feel when that day arrived.

Well... You don’t need to imagine it anymore, because it finally happened. The day before, Spencer had told you how he finally gathered the courage to ask a girl that he’d been on a few dates to be his girlfriend. Your heart sank when he delivered the news to you, though you did your best to seem enthusiastic for him.

“Really, spence, that’s great. I'm super happy for you!” You told him, before quickly excusing yourself to the bathroom.

You felt so dumb, you knew Spencer was not in love with you, you thought you had accepted that, so why the fuck are you feeling like the floor has been taken off your feet every time you think about him loving someone that isn’t you? God, you might be going crazy.

You knew you wouldn't be able to keep your "omg I'm so happy for you!" facade for long. Your genius solution was to avoid him, only for some time, while you dealt with your feelings.

You decided to talk with the only person that knew about your feelings besides you, Penelope.

You open the door to her office, “Pen, help me. I’m so stupid, my brain is broken or something”

Penelope turns around on her chair, pulling another one for you to sit

“Oh no honey, whatever it is you're not stupid, now, what’s happening?”

“Spence has a date… God, I’m 27 years old, why the fuck do I care about this”

“Ohh you’re in love, baby. Of course, you’re going to feel bad, that’s normal. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

“Maybe… It doesn't matter anyway. I'm going to avoid him for this week, process all this shit and then everything will be back to normal” You force a smile, that was meant to pass a positivity you didn't even really feel, but it just made Penelope feel bad for you.

“Maybe don’t do that. You know Spencer is going to notice, it’s best if you talk to him.” She says, repeating an advice she has lost count how many times she’s given you. Penelope has always been sure Spencer was into you, and always encouraged you to confess. Needless to say, you never heard her advice.

“No, I can't. I would ruin our friendship, he would hate me. And, it would be so unfair of me, I mean… I only confess now that he has a chance with someone?” You take a deep breath, and get up from the chair “Thanks for the chat pen, love you” You say, placing a kiss on her cheek and leaving her office.

You really did appreciate her advice, but there’s no way you would confess to Spencer, not only would it seem petty, but you were deadly afraid to ruin your friendship… not that avoiding him was doing any good, but fuck that you’re not in the mood to be rational right now.

You head to your desk, avoiding eye contact with Spencer and just focusing on your work when Hotch calls the team. You guys have a new case.

“Great” You mumble under your breath, even if being in the office would be hard to avoid Reid, having to be out on a case with him will make it impossible. That doesn't mean you're not going to try. "Im an adult and a professional, this shit should not get in the way of my work." You think to yourself as if it's a mantra to keep you focused.

You enter the room, taking a seat between Emily and Rossi, as Hotch and Penelope brief the team you can see in your peripheral vision how Spencer's gaze shift to you, making avoiding it somehow more difficult. You're used to giving him small smiles, being beside him and always being in contact with each other somehow, he even would be fine with letting you hug him beside his germophobia, so you're sure he already noticed how distant you were being.

"Alright, wheels up in 30, We'll get more details on the jet"

—

On the jet, hotch distributes the tasks, as always, he paired you up with Reid to do the geoprofiling.

After a couple of hours, you and the team arrive at the precinct. As the rest of the team goes out to the field, you and Reid stay back doing the reading, and geoprofiling. You only speak to him when it's something regarding the case. Luckily, after a day, you guys finally makes the arrest, and soon you are back on the jet.

As soon as you arrive back to the BAU office, you just pass by Garcia's office to give her a quick goodbye and head to the elevator, ready to go home, and finally process your feelings - or better yet, force yourself to get over Spencer.

If this was under normal circumstances, you and Reid would be standing together in front of the elevator discussing which food you two would order as you watched some weird indie movie. The memory of those times brings a sharp pain to your chest, how could you be so naive? Yes, you told yourself he was not interested, but deep down between all those moments you two shared you hoped one day he would see you as something more than just a friend.

"Hey, is everything alright? You seemed off today" Lost in your thoughts, you didn't notice when Spencer stood beside you, his voice pulling you off your thoughts.

"I'm great spence, just have a headache"

"Are you sure? You know, lying to a profiler has a very small percentage of working"

"I'm sure, don't worry… So, is it today?" You ask, as you two step in the elevator and press the button to the garage level

"Yeah, I'm really nervous."

"That's normal, but it'll be fine, don't worry" The elevator gets to the floor your car is at, you hold the door open and turn to him "hey, be yourself ok? She'll be lucky to have you." You say, before shooting him a small smile and getting out the elevator.

As you walk towards your car, a few tears start streaming down your face, you've known you love him for a long time, and you now realize that you might never know what could have been between you two. Maybe Garcia was right, but now it's too late to say anything.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x bestfriend!reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x self insert #spencer reid fluff

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samflir · 1 year ago

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What makes a good boot sequence?

A while ago, I had my first truly viral post on Mastodon. It was this:

You might've seen it. It got almost four hundred boosts and reached beyond Mastodon to reddit and even 4chan. I even saw an edit with a spinning frog on the left screen. I knew the post would go down well with tech.lgbt but I never expected it to blow up the way it did.

I tried my best to express succinctly exactly what it is I miss about BIOS motherboards in the age of UEFI in this picture. I think looking at a logo and spinner/loading bar is boring compared to seeing a bunch of status messages scroll up the screen indicating hardware being activated, services being started up and tasks being run. It takes the soul out of a computer when it hides its computeriness.

I think a lot of people misunderstood my post as expressing a practical preference over an aesthetic one, and there was at least a few thinking this was a Linux fanboy post, which it certainly is not. So here's the long version of a meme I made lol.

Stages

I remember using two family desktop computers before moving over a family laptop. One ran Windows XP and the other ran Windows 7. Both were of the BIOS era, which meant that when booting, they displayed some status information in white on black with a blinking cursor before loading the operating system. On the XP machine, I spent longer in this liminal space because it dual-booted. I needed to select Windows XP from a list of Linux distros when booting it.

I've always liked this. Even as a very little kid I had some sense that what I was seeing was a look back into the history of computing. It felt like a look "behind the scenes" of the main GUI-based operating system into something more primitive. This made computers even more interesting than they already were, to me.

Sequences

The way old computers booted was appealing to my love of all kinds of fixed, repeating sequences. I never skip the intros to TV shows and I get annoyed when my local cinema forgets to show the BBFC ratings card immediately before the film, even though doing so is totally pointless and it's kinda strange that they do that in the first place. Can you tell I'm autistic?

Booting the windows 7 computer would involve this sequence of distinct stages: BIOS white text -> Windows 7 logo with "starting windows" below in the wrong aspect ratio -> switch to correct resolution with loading spinner on the screen -> login screen.

Skipping any would feel wrong to me because it's missing a step in one of those fixed sequences I love so much. And every computer that doesn't start with BIOS diagnostic messages is sadly missing that step to my brain, and feels off.

Low-level magic

I am extremely curious about how things work and always have been, so little reminders when using a computer that it has all sorts of complex inner workings and background processes going on are very interesting to me, so I prefer boot sequences that expose the low-level magic going on and build up to the GUI. Starting in the GUI immediately presents it as fundamental, as if it's not just a pile of abstractions on top of one another. It feels deceptive.

There may actually be some educational and practical value in computers booting in verbose mode by default. Kids using computers for the first time get to see that there's a lot more to their computer than the parts they interact with (sparking curiosity!), and if a boot fails, technicians are better able to diagnose the problem over a phone call with a non-technical person.

Absolute boot sequence perfection

There's still one last thing missing from my family computer's boot sequence, and that's a brief flicker of garbage on screen as VRAM is cleared out. Can't have everything I guess. Slo-mo example from The 8-Bit Guy here:

#computers #opinion #boot sequences #computing history #meme

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wrongcaitlyn · 5 months ago

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for the ask game !!! 4, 6 and 22 for tyt / dear reader in general !!!

4. If the fic required it, what did you research in order to write it?

oh SO much😭 there was definitely a lot of research into dates, at first, just because i wanted to make sure i was lining up all the award shows with the actual dates and choosing which award shows to write (also coming across the fact that grammys 2018 was on jan 28...) also, the categories that were in award shows, i had to research what exactly all of those categories were for - which ones nico would be nominated for, who they were awarded to (just the singer, also the producer?). the amount of time that i spent on the grammys' wikipedia page was much longer than i'll ever admitslkjfd

also billboard charts! i did a ton of research into records, how they're counted, because i wanted to make sure that when i was mentioning nico's milestones, they were at least somewhat realistic. i read through a bunch of billboard album reviews and articles with producers and whatnot to try and figure out the basics of music journalism.

there was research into transitioning, as well, even though i was much more hesitant to trust *google* for that sort of stuff, but i wanted to know just how easy it would be for nico to actually get top surgery and whatnot, and also the effects of binders when singing/having a performance and stuff

SO MUCH OLYMPICS RESEARCH. LIKE. god i think i complained about this at some point but seriously, the archery world championships and olympics qualification is still confusing asf to me. but i wanted to make sure that, despite kayla being a relatively minor character, i was figuring out all the right dates, how she would get qualified, records for youngest world champions, etc etc.

weather accounts. ik that it's very unnecessary but i genuinely looked up dates for concerts and what the weather was, or when i wanted it to rain i actually looked up whether it was raining, how i could twist it to when it *did* rain, and whatnot. i may be insane when it comes to details like that

and in general, i watched a lot of interviews (though that was in my free time, and tbf i've always been interested in it, even before i started writing the series) about artists and singer-songwriters and how they wrote, how they worked, and just the entire creating-an-album process

there's probably a lot more that i'm forgetting, bc i genuinely was always researching something. fun fact! there hasn't been an italian artist to reach #1 on the billboard hot 100 since 1958 (he was also the first european artist to reach #1 on the billboard hot 100).

6. How did you decide what tense and POV(s) to use?

i had just written a fic (my hunger games au) in past tense, and when writing it, i felt like i kept slipping into present. so when i started writing talk your talk, i decided to just test out present tense and see whether i liked that better (back when i thought it would be a relatively short oneshot, maybe a oneshot series)

the funny thing about that is that i thought i didn't like it, and so THEN when i wrote another fic - my marauders jegulus fame au - i decided to write that one in past tense. a warning for any writers: NEVER. write two wip's that are in different tenses. it's a horrible kind of torture. since then, i've had to write all of my other fics in present tense because i didn't want to mess up my brain while writing talk your talk - it's so confusing to switch it up, because then i'd also have to monitor what i was reading, and if i read something present tense, i wasn't able to write starry eyes; if i read something past tense, i wasn't able to write talk your talk. i couldn't write one and then switch over to the other, i had to like program my brain to think in the correct tense - ANYWAY it was very very hard and i highly recommend to never do that and just stick with one tense, at least until you want to fully switch over😭

as for the pov, in talk your talk, it was always going to be nico! the whole fic was very centered around him, and i knew that i wanted to add all these details on how he felt about his rise to fame - i really wanted that internal dialogue during shows, and school, and producing music, and also how songs would come to be and whatnot. also, i had just written my hunger games au in nico's pov, and i just really liked it😭

when it came to greatest of luxuries, i knew that i wanted to expand on the universe. that did horrendous things to my wordcount, but i think it was for the best!! i got to add more character development to will, which was *really* important to me, seeing as he and nico are pretty separate stories while nico is on tour and will is in college, and it also let me introduce a bunch of new characters!! i added a few other interludes too, with a bunch of different pov's, but the most interesting, i think, was apollo

apollo's pov/memoir (and i'm so sorry, i know you haven't gotten to that yet but i just had to include it when talking about pov's!!) is one of my FAVORITE things to write. i knew that i wanted to add more of apollo's lore and his story to the au, but for a while, i didn't know how to do it - it didn't feel right to just add an apollo pov where all he does is reflect on the past and so i got SO excited when i thought of creating a memoir. usually i'm heavily against writing in first person, but it just felt so natural with apollo - how else could you have a pov that just focuses on the past (pretty much an entirely different timeline) but still with the huge ego of apollo? while he still shows maturity and how he's grown as a person?? i'm already such a fan of including mixed media in my fics, but the memoir has to be my favoritekjldsf

22. What is something you learned about yourself as a writer from the experience?

i love causing pain. i think i already knew that, seeing as one of my first fics when starting to write again last year was a hunger games au in which i killed off like a good majority of the main cast. but there was something cool in writing angst as a theme in talk your talk, when fame au's largely focus more on the reputation of a person, conflicts between relationship, etc. not that i have a problem with those, seeing as im a sucker for literally any kind of fame au, but i sort of put them in the background for this series!

overall, i feel like i've grown such a huge amount with this fic. i started it around the same age as nico and will, only slightly younger, and now they're nearly 20 and im still 16. both in the writing sense and just in general, i really got over my fear of starting/committing to longer fics, because i really just fell in love with the universe. i learned that i *love* adding different forms of media to fics, and that one of my favorite things about writing is exploring how different universes would impact the characters differently - it would shape their personalities, give them some different characteristics and different outlooks on life, and that's prob why i love au's so muchdjfs

but the main main thing is that this is the first time that i feel like i really wrote the fic and got a huge community out of it - i've always had a few mutuals in fandoms and whatnot (both when editing and writing), but with talk your talk, i started getting repeat commenters, and eventually started my tumblr, and i realized how incredibly motivating it is to be able to share my obsession with the au with so many other people!! it's been an absolutely incredible experience <33

well i definitely rambled a lot thereDLKFJS thank you for the asks!!

#wrongcaitlyn #talk ur talk asks

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drkdreams · 10 months ago

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Forgotten Orgasms

Reposting from my fetlife

Trigger warning for hypnokink content don't read if you don't like that.

I forgot I had orgasms.

Not all orgasms just a few specific ones.

Ones it was predetermined I would forget.

And predetermined how I would remember them.

Brains are interesting. I find the highest form of arousal and intimacy for me involve mental stimulation. I've been playing with a hypnotist, Mentat, for alittle over a month now. It has been incredibly hot, and now as we are beginning to feel more comfortable, we are starting to explore and try some new things. With discussion on consent before hand, and a post mortem discuss on how things felt afterwards.

Two nights ago we decided I would forget the session. Usually he is very careful to make sure I remember everything. This time the goal was forgetting. So after dropping, and floating, and falling, and orgasming for a while. I forgot it happened.

Now my brain, my subconscious, is a sneaky lovely bitch, because she knows how hot I find this all, and so she went along with it. My brain dismissed lingering thoughts, small inconsistencies that pointed to we had played. Redirected thoughts so I couldn't focus on what happened... I cleaned up and went to bed thinking I had just been turned on during the conversation, even though I never dropped.

It was midday the next day when there was a small crack in the wall holding my memory. I was deeply focused on work, heavy mental cross checking of investory numbers, when I got a few sudden flashes of images and words spoken and a small waves a pleasure. But I couldn't chase the memory. It was there and then gone. I tired to focus and remember but it was no where. And it wasn't another memory. It felt different. So of course I text Mentat. You did something to me last night? This was in a positive and playful way. I was already turned on at the thought of forgetting what had happened. I trust the man to honor my limits and do things I find arousing. And I know he would want to know any details about how my brain is processing this all...we both enjoy the analysis of what's happening during drop and play. Anyways, we text a bit, but I couldn't talk until later.

So I go about the rest of my day. My brain again redirecting any hard focus on what happened to other topics, which seems pretty normal given that I always have 5000 things going on in my brain. We finally get to have our call. This is all through video chat currently. We discuss alittle more about what the break through felt like, where I am at in remembering at the moment, which was still no memory.

Mentat then finally asked me to focus on him and gave the Recall command. It wasn't like movie or complete play by play of what happened. But suddenly I could focus and access those memories and feelings. I could remember the conversation before hand about memory play and if I would be OK getting naked during it. I remembered dropping, orgasms... The prompt to forget.. getting redressed while still in deep hypnosis. there was some further talk and play and another round of remembering to forget because I still had an inkling something had happened. He had also inplanted a trigger to feel it all again, and specifically to orgasm when I remembered, which I did as I exclaimed "you put a trigger to..." not sure how much of that got out of my mouth before I was overwhelmed with pleasure...

So yes I greatly enjoyed having my memories temporarily stolen. Even more so having them returned and then getting to discuss the whole thing with Mentat. We are both very smart nerds who find the discussion almost as hot and intriguing as the erotic hypnosis.

#hypnok1nk #hypnoslut

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childotkw · 4 days ago

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hi!! i really, really, REALLY love your writing I'm not kidding when I say I'm utterly in love with your style (and your mind because you're brilliant! YOU HAVE GALAXY BRAIN!!) I wouldn't say I'm a picky reader exactly but..well let's just say that I can love a story but it's rare for me to read something and then instead of just loving the story, I fall in love with the writing itself too! I swear when I first discovered you it felt like I found a whole new world! after reading everything you posted on ao3, I camped here for days reading everything else regardless of ships/no ship/plot. It's been years since then haha I still go here XD I was that CAPTIVATED. MESMERIZED. IN AWE. STILL AM.

With THAT SAID, before I get way too emotional and forget my second reason for this ask hahahshs I'm not sure if someone has already asked this before but do you have something like an outline/thoughts process of any of your published works? or just the general idea of your writing process! I'm genuinely interested in how you plan and sort things out! If that's alright of course >_< I would love to learn a thing or two!

Hello hello!! Thank you so much for your kind words - it's great to hear you've enjoyed my stuff! 🥰

I have a whole bunch of posts in this tag (#writing tips) where I talk about my writing process / plans, if you want to have a look at those as well!

For me, every story honestly has a different approach. Some pop up nearly fully formed (e.g., Consuming Shadows), while others change and morph depending on the day and the phase of the moon (e.g., ybtm(ibty)).

I suppose I'm lucky in that I've never really struggled with coming up with ideas. If anything I have far too much fun letting my imagination get away from me 😅

But I always try and have the overarching plot line mapped out before I commit to writing a story. I always sit down and map out a general storyline (different acts, if you will, or what the main character growth moments will be), so that I have a rough outline to starting working towards.

For example, when I first sat down to start working on all your secrets (all my lies) last week, the first thing I did was establish a timeline.

I mapped out from the day Regulus' consciousness comes back in time (1 August 1976, for those interested), all the way to two years in the future (currently at May 1978), and wrote down, month by month, what events would take place. It's not necessarily set in stone, but by having a timeline written out, it gives me an idea of where the peaks and troughs in my story would be. It gave me a solid understanding of how my pacing might need to change, or how certain events need to be added / rearranged so that there are never any significant months of inaction for the characters.

By having this timeline in hand, I can now start filling in the smaller moments (how I get from Point A to Point B in the story), which gives me a way to start plotting out my chapters and what will happen in individual scenes.

Hope that gives you an idea of how my brain works? If you have any other specific questions, feel free to ask!

#anonymous #writing tips

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sharlmbracta · 10 months ago

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youtube

comment excerpt:

ADHD is a boon to creativity the challenge is consistency… or seemingly so. I think in general living, you need to impose structure to survive as an adult with ADHD, especially if you go no-meds like I have. I don't think that's nearly the case with creative activities though creativity is our domain, man. It's more about trusting your mind to do good exploration when you let it run free.

Everything that ever really stuck for me about music theory, stuck AFTER doing that. Not from reading and practicing but inadvertently actualizing it in my noodling, which I've come to realize is my mind's way of sorting out the information.

It's really interesting how the knowledge comes sometimes. I have been playing guitar for 20 years, largely self-taught. l've spent a lot of time pouring over different techniques and studying theory, never really feeling like I got where I was supposed to with it. I certainly enjoy what I play, but it's always felt like the understanding that other people have, escaped me.

But now, I tend to think I just never actually realized how much theory I had picked up over the years of scattershot study. Maybe I don't have the most well-rounded foundation, but my actual output on the instrument conveys to other, more learned people, an understanding that they always seem to want to know more about, like somehow I have figured out something they haven't.

My answer has always been "Well, I never practice, but I always play." Most other players l've met, are far more 'on-grid' than me, more predictable and consistent in their decisions and application of technique. You never know what I'll play, or why it actually works. One of my best friends is an incredibly talented and dedicated musician, with high mastery of guitar, piano, and especially trumpet. HE does not understand what I do half of the time, puts all of this analysis into it, trying to crack the code. He wants ME, to teach HIM what I know.

And yet, I don't even know the code. It's all impulse from my perspective. I don't know why things come together like they do. I just know that they do the majority of the time. I know enough theory to point out what worked about them — I do that sometimes, get into a mode of reverse-engineering what I play under the lens of modern theory and it helps me internalize — feed that intuition I'll need later. It's still terrifying for me to improvise in front of people, but every time I do, people tend to presume I am much more serious and studious than I have ever been — like I meant for things to work out this way, when I probably had little clue what I was going to play before I began.

It's like I am fully present when I play, just not cognizant. Maybe it's just that the strain on memory in those times doesn't permit my brain to consciously process it all, but it seems like it still does SOME kind of recall that is almost absolute. I can do anything a normal musician can do, it's just not accessed in quite the same way. I just put in the time and it worked out.

I WILL however say. It was not always that way. For the first 5-7 years I had a hyperfocus for it that just would not let go, so I would in fact practice for hours every day. Now, I worry less about it because 'm more focused on learning new stuff and being exposed to different music that inspires me to play and write more music. At some point, I found I just had the skill-born freedom wanted on tap and it just became about discovery for me.

A lot of my best skills are like that. I don't know how or why l'm good at them, or why I can randomly rattle off in-depth information I otherwise don't ever consider. I think our ADHD brains internalize things differently. It's not that we forget things, it's more as though much of the information stored in memory comes out somewhere outside of consciousness, more in the space of intuition. The problem with ADHD isn't as much one of storage as it is recall mechanisms. The better relationship I have with my intuition, the more my skills in things I want to do just seem to come to me by just following my own impulses to engage and letting my brain get whatever it thinks it needs… and just accept that I might never know that directly.

Learning with ADHD is often akin to tending to a garden and watching as the flowers bloom.

- differentbutsimilar7893

#adhd #brains #study #stuff #forwarding #life #《 Learning with ADHD is often akin to tending to a garden and watching as the flowers bloom 》#adhd music #adhd musicality #adhd creativity #tags for me to remember

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shirogane-oushirou · 7 months ago

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OMG RENNIVERSAY???? HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AGAIN YAYYYY GUSH PASS IF U WANT HEHE 🎫🎫🎫

😭💕💕💕 THANK YOU NIIICK!!!!!!! for both the oushiversary and the renniversary (and honestly all of the time), your tags on rbs make me so giddy and emotional and i'm always so thankful ;w; wah.

i have a hard time expressing just how much ren has done for me this past year so... it's rambling time ksjdnfjk...

[pet death mention] my baby boy cyrus had lost his battle with cancer just a week prior to The Dream. i won't ramble about him here, but he was my biggest support when home life got fuck-y; losing him was like losing a part of myself. [/pet death mention end]

unfortunately i didn't have much to focus on afterward... i was trying to keep busy, but the art parties i'd been attending went on a long hiatus shortly after this, and while i TRIED vrc for a bit i found The Social Anxiety meant it wasn't the best choice for me ;;

and then i had this long, cinematic dream, about befriending and getting flirty with a dorky, fruity scientist from the c.dc (lol. lmao. i would NEVER!!!!! that's the very first thing i changed about him KJASNDKJN) who was fun and goofy and was so so loving to his niece who followed him around everywhere ;w;

and then he did a little villain heel-turn after being infected by a sentient parasite (also lol. lmao. my brain trying to bully me and make me feel bad... but it does it in the form of a cute bisexual man? 🥴). and of COURSE when his niece and i acted afraid of him he did the whole "i'll destroy everyone powerful in this city. and i won't let anyone or anything harm you." thing and i just OOUGHHHH. there's more to it than that, and i don't want to ramble TOO much, but he was so clearly twisted-justice-but-loves-people-so-hard core. that's the good shit ughhh.

and so! according to the document timestamp, i woke up at 5:45am, opened my ipad, went into procreate, and went to town scribbling down a vague idea of his face and mannerisms before passing out again. i KNEW i didn't want to forget this guy; i immediately felt he was special. most of my ocs come from dreams in some form, but he was already almost fully formed. The Ideal. To Me...

and when i woke up for real, i spent the day nailing down his design. and i was Officially Doomed from then on u_u

he's changed SO MUCH in the past year (just the fact that i had to revive his supernatural villain form as a separate AU a few months ago is proof of that KJANSDKJN)... as have i. he gave me someone to focus on as i healed, a reason to continue drawing in spite of the aforementioned art party hiatus, pushed me to join the selfship community For Real, lead to me meeting so many people and making so many friends outside of my teeny tiny a-couple of-friends-from-college circle, helped me appreciate the oc creation process and AUs so much more, pushed me to do monthly art challenges that i haven't done since before i fell ill...

and just... made me love myself more. made me appreciate the things i didn't like about myself. helped me realize the potential of selfshipping in general, to be a tool to see oneself as deserving of love, even if it takes making a fictional character play messenger between the self-doubt and self-acceptance bits of your brain.

i likely would have just stayed in my own little corner -- my quiet little oushirou blog that i didn't have linked anywhere, chatting in stream chats but not talking to any chatters outside of that -- if not for ren. i've met so many people who have similar struggles! different struggles! similar and completely different interests! gone completely outside of my comfort zone and found such a good circle of people who uplift each other!! HELL, my art blog has multiple times the followers as i have here, but they only ever interacted with my umi.neko art LMAO -- here it feels like we all want to support each others' art and writing and other creations and rambles and and and.

and it's because ren gave me a reason to make that step. start tagging things, start following people and reaching out, chatting with people who reached out to me... he's genuinely changed my life for the better. ;w; i don't think i'll ever be able to express just how thankful i am that he came to me at the exact moment i needed him most. i love him so so much rghhhrgh. gripping him in my fist and kissing him all over his face forever and ever. 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

#thank you nick kajsndfkjn this got so long again lmao i just. he's changed my life so quickly and drastically.#i was isolated for YEARS before he pushed me into openly selfshipping. i can't get across how important he is to me succinctly ;;;#i don't believe in the traditional fandom definition of 'soulmates' but... according to my views on it he definitely is one for me 🥹#📌 [ my posts. ]#[ asks. ]#[ oomfies ; meli. ]#[ renniversary. ]#🧃 [ who is in control. ]#🍄 [ lying on the blade of an emotion. ]#pet death -#<- clearly marked; 2 sentences right under the readmore

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novelcain · 1 year ago

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Okay so I've barely started reading but I just feel like mentioning something

Do any of you guys know how long falling feels?

So I tried out dive, right? Our coaches let us have "free time" after practice, and a friend took me to jump off the five meter (16.4 feet). I was super excited going up, I'm always itching for a new experience, and even when I looked down it didn't feel that far.

My first issue was actually stepping off. You portrayed it really well—even if you aren't afraid, your body is. I was fine looking down, but once we actually got ready to jump—I couldn't for a second. The only reason I did was because my friend counted us off and I didn't want to be a pansy.

When I actually jumped... I just fell forever. You're only in the air for about a second or less, if you look it up. People fall so quickly. But when you're in the air, just falling, you feel suspended there for minutes. For me when I was falling, even though it was literally less than a second, I thought it was at least 5.

When I was falling, I didn't even realize how long it felt it had been—I think I was halfway down when I started to think "I should've hit the water by now," and then another second passed—somehow feeling wind whip at my legs despite the relatively short drop—before I started to panic, just a little, and ask "why haven't I hit the water yet?" And then another second passed before I hit the water.

It's actually incredibly interesting how you both feel like everything is going x20 slower than it is, and yet simultaneously, everything is happening at once. Your brain slows down to process everything, yet you still know how fast you're going.

Isn't that so cool?!?! I love the human mind, omfl

Bro this such a fascinating human respounce to me. Like I always forget how long falling feels,

Like i know it's just our brains trying to give us time to come up with survival solutions but it's still wild what a lil bit of pure adrenaline can do for your response time and time perception as well. :D

#novel answers #no space between us

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reflections-in-a-critical-eye · 1 year ago

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I've had this moment of realization some weeks ago, after I watched Red, White & Royal Blue. I even wrote a bit here and I focused on the genre, on chemistry, the film as an adaption. And then I stumbled on some review or think piece which had its central thesis based on the fact that this film is just another US/Royal imperialist propaganda, wrapped up nicely as a rom-com. And I was dumbfounded because why didn't that thought cross my mind instantly? Of course the ideological frame of analysis is but one, but it's still important. Me from a few years ago would know it. Me from today had to read it someplace else. Around that same time, I saw a teaser for an experimental film on Mubi in which the narrator talked about physical and imaginary borders. And again that terminology made me think of the times in which I could so easily talk about and use concepts related to borders, displacement, belonging, otherness, imperialism/colonialism, all critical paradigms that have now left my vocabulary.

Of course that as years went by, my research focus had shifted as I worked more and more in the area of gender identity (especially women in cinema) and then forms of masculinity (because of Jimin, which is something I haven't told before). And that led to becoming familiar with another set of concepts and adopting a terminology which I had to chance to use it in my posts here on tumblr a lot more than in my academic research in the past 3-4 years.

But what I wanted to say was that when I realized I was blind to the ideology in some Hollywood movie, I felt stupid. I felt like I regressed so much, compared to 22-23 year old me who could so easily juggle with those notions. Where has it gone? Did it disappear completely? Maybe not. I can bring that side of my brain back to life if I only go through some articles briefly. But it doesn't take away the fact that I had lived that moment of realization.

And now that I have distanced myself from the "institution", what's left? Will all my knowledge be stored in some part of my brain and I will forget about it as I move on and do other stuff? Why do I consider that specific type of knowledge as the only smart and relevant component?

And what about fatigue and apathy? And what about those concepts and ideas which belonged to people who no longer have a place, but their presence still lingers because I have assimilated their ideas? Years later and I still believe and use words and concepts that were not initially mine, but I can't get rid of them because I made them mine in the process?

There's always been this inner conflict as to what's the purpose of research. I don't know which is my voice and which is the other one with more power and influence. Do I think that having my name published is the ultimate purpose? I used to (I was being told), but when it happened, I felt no joy. I felt more relieved that it was finally over after months and years of work.

But then I stay up for days and I do stuff on my own and I finally write essays with no outside pressure and I come and post them here. And in those moments I'm happy. I'm also happy not for the likes and reblogs, but when I see other people commenting or sending asks in which they share their thoughts. And no one knows who I am and I don't get any recognition and none if it goes into some portfolio. And I'm happy. And then I get reminded that I was told about the democratization of research as well, of how it should reach more people, instead of getting locked up behind paywalls and that sharing the knowledge is the most important thing. And I believed it 10 years ago and I believe it now. And then I have to be confronted with the fact that such type of writing doesn't really have a place in a fandom that places a lot more stock on other type of participation.

Contradictory ideas coming from the same source which are fighting in my brain. And are part of me, whether I like it or not.

#m thoughts #personal #academia

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amadeusgame · 1 year ago

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September Devlog: Full Episode 1 Design Finalized

Per last month's devlog, this month's primary task was to finish the narrative outline and complete game design document for the full Episode 1 release. And I'm happy to announce that this is done, I have a concrete vision to follow, and now it's a matter of ticking off boxes on the to-do list until this thang is RELEASED. I'm getting REALLY excited about this project, and feeling like it is becoming more and more tangible.

Some quick updates before getting into the details:

I'm sure you all heard the kerfuffle about Unity; I've discussed where I'm currently at on the Tumblr blog here.

I went to PAX West (and the Seattle Indies Expo) and talked to a ton of indie devs! I wrote about a lot of upcoming indie games on the Tumblr blog here.

As always check the linktree (https://linktr.ee/amadeusgame) for all resources related to Amadeus. Most frequently updated are the Tumblr blog and Discord server, but these itch.io devlogs will continue monthly as well.

And now, for this month's updates.

TL;DR--

PAX West & Seattle Indies Expo: more details on these events, specifically how much it helped me as a solo dev meeting and talking with other solo devs.

New Mechanics Envisioned: made a new paper prototype & sought playtester feedback to determine final control scheme vision.

Finishing the Narrative Outline: process for sitting down and mapping out the full Episode 1 narrative to guide the GDD

Completing the Game Design Document: process for taking the new mechanics & full narrative to fully outline the design for Episode 1

Recreation: media I engaged with this month for fun and inspiration!

Details below for those interested.

PAX West & Seattle Indies Expo

This was my first time attending PAX, and it was incredibly valuable. The Seattle Indies Expo (an adjacent, and completely free, event) in particular was fantastic, because I got to have really in-depth, one-on-one conversations with a lot of other small developers. So many of us are working on passion projects in our spare time, and wearing 20 different hats - from music composition to coding to project management to marketing - while also doing something else to pay the bills. So it felt very grounding to have honest discussions with so many other people who are all in the same boat. It also helped to find that a couple other developers came to the same answers I did on certain topics (virtually all of us are in agreement that you absolutely have to have deadlines that you take seriously, or you will never finish...), and one of the developers I spoke with mentioned something really helpful: that if you only have 1-2 hours to work on your game a week, decide EXACTLY WHAT you will work on in that time slot beforehand, so you've already started dedicating brain energy to the topic before the time comes.

I met a handful of developers who I'm likely to keep in touch with for the foreseeable future. It was a fantastic opportunity. Those of us out here making niche little passion projects really do feel the passion coming from each other. Gotta find your people and support each other!

I'll go ahead and plug my Amadeus blog Tumblr post on the subject again, because I'm also genuinely excited about a lot of these games: 10 Upcoming Indie Games to check out!

New Mechanics Envisioned

Never forget that busting out the sticky notes/scratch paper is an essential step in game design & development.

One of the major roadblocks I faced last month standing between me and finishing my GDD was that I knew I needed to rework the main interaction mechanic. I liked that it was WASD/point-and-click interchangeable, but it felt very unpolished. So one of my first tasks for this month was to figure out what, exactly, my vision for a polished interaction mechanic was. To do that, I revisited the very first step of game development, and made a paper prototype.

In doing this, I was able to identify the biggest source of my problem: I really like that you can control Amadeus - and not just a cursor, but this makes it impossible to interact with things that he can't get to (like looking at things in the sky). This is kind of at odds with the control scheme that seems most natural for the genre.

The central source of my problem was this:

The most straightforward control scheme for my game seemed to be point-and-click, where you don't have an actor you control but just directly interact with environments.

However; point-and-click mechanics are very hard on my wrists (because I have massively screwed up wrists), and I want to make a game that I can play comfortably - and for thematic reasons, this is all the more important!

Moreover; I just really like controlling a little guy and walking around as him.

I have come up with a solution that I think works well, at least on paper. One of my big goals this month is to prototype it in-engine, and hopefully get it in front of playtesters soon. The good news is that I got a lot of feedback from playtesters that the hybrid control scheme was a plus, and almost nobody used exclusively WASD or exclusively point-and-click, which tells me that my "utilize both" design philosophy feels right. Now I just need to polish it.

My goal is still to have a rebuilt demo, containing more or less the same content as the existing demo (unless...? but let's not get our hopes up too high!) with the new mechanics and control scheme, out this Winter. So far, still on track for that!

Finishing the Narrative Outline

THIS was truly the largest obstacle between me and a complete GDD. It is not possible to list out all assets needed in a game if you don't have a list of every scene in the game, and you can't have a list of every scene in the game without a complete narrative outline. Making the demo was easy in this respect - I already knew how my story started. I also knew more or less how it would end (or at least, several key climactic events). But there is no catharsis in a climax that lacks a rich, engaging, and well-developed journey to get there. That's the meatiest part of the game, and it's what I did not have.

Truth be told, I don't know whether the journey I am writing counts as rich, engaging, and well-developed. But I've finally made it concrete, and I think it has heart. This process was actually very rewarding, because I found that in asking myself questions (what is CHARACTER doing here, how does EVENT happen) I found really fascinating answers that made the entire story much more interesting than the one I initially set out to write.

I started just by creating a document titled "Episode 1 Outline" that looked something like this:

Intro

Prologue

Placeholder Scene

Climax

Outro

The reason I was actually able to get from that to a complete outline in less than a month is because, while it didn't really feel like it, I actually did a lot of "writing" last month. I spent the whole month watching a ton of werewolf movies and taking scribbled notes in my Amadeus brainstorming notebook, so I had a huge pool of ideas that were already swimming around in my head. This month's task wasn't to write a story I had no ideas about, it was to finally draw from all of my ideas and refine/organize them to a manageable and logical format.

Most importantly, I gave myself a deadline to finish this outline, and so the day of that deadline I sat down and looked at my intro, my climax and just thought of the "path of least resistance" to get from point A to point B that flowed well and made sense. The resulting outline is much, much shorter than I had initially envisioned (I had some utter delusions of an Umineko-length monstrosity of an introductory episode) - but it works, it tells the full story, and it's complete. And, as will be discussed in the next section, even this relatively "short" episode has so much to it that if it were any longer there's almost no way I would finish it on time.

I still don't have every single detail mapped out at this stage. That much was true for the demo as well. Many aspects of the story wrote themselves by building the game and the necessity of flavor text, signposting, etc.; so I'm leaving room for that. It is just specific enough that I know exactly what assets to make for it, and I know the purpose of each scene. This lets me write early scenes setting up to payoff in later scenes more effectively. I think it should be a good length to be engaging for the player while still letting me give it some polish. :)

Completing the Game Design Document

This was the big thing I needed to accomplish this month. I actually made solid progress on this last month, but I was unable to finish it because I didn't have a definite narrative outline, list of scenes, or finalized control scheme. Once I had these from my work this month, I was able to sit down and finish this document.

I want nothing more in the world than to share this document, because seeing it complete feels like such a massive victory. It shows that I know exactly what I'm doing and that I have solid direction for the development of Amadeus. It proves that this game is getting made. It's even color-coded!! Unfortunately, it contains absolutely GINORMOUS spoilers not just for Episode 1 but for Episodes 3, 4, and 5, which won't be out for years. So you'll just have to take my word for it.

The "Level Planning" and "Rule List" sections of this document needed the most attention, but they are also some of the most valuable for directing the full game's development.

For the Level Planning aspect, I broke the scenes from my narrative outline down by gameplay type (point-and-click, pure dialogue, puzzle/other) and, in doing so, I found that I gave myself additional ideas for some things I wasn't sure about. Thinking about the narrative in a different way, by breaking it down into gameplay concepts, helped me make certain storytelling decisions and continue fleshing out additional narrative details. This is why I was OK leaving some things vague in my outline - I knew other aspects of development would help me fill in the blanks.

Creating the Rule List is something that, in a way, is helpful as a form of "pre-coding." It forced me to put some thought into how I will actually implement the mechanics I have been brainstorming and prototyping. I already have some ideas, and I already know at least a few edge cases/problems that are going to arise--but that means when it comes time to sit down and actually script things out, I won't be starting from scratch. I've already dedicated brainpower to considering the problem! It'll make it way easier to actually DO, since I've done the first step already.

I know I am repeating myself a lot here, but it keeps coming up because it's important. Putting thought into something before you sit down to "do" it makes it SO much easier to actually do it when that time comes. This entire month has been effectively just that for the whole game: in making this GDD, I have put thought into every aspect of the game's development, so now that I can focus on making it, it's going to be so much easier. I already know where I'm going! What a weight off of my shoulders!!

The last thing I needed to flesh out in the GDD were my asset lists and screen mockups, which there isn't much to say about that can't be inferred from the title. I'll include the mockup for a new menu/settings screen I need to create though to tease some features I hope to implement:

I also included some (annotated) screenshots of the demo to remind myself what the game actually looks like with nicely drawn assets and not mockup scribbles...

Recreation

As with last month, I want to take some time to discuss media I've engaged with this month. This is for two reasons. First, I genuinely believe that it is impossible to create good art without engaging with other art. Second, talking about media I enjoy will probably give you a feel for my tastes, which may or may not inform how likely you are to enjoy the game I'm making. Although the best measure for that is still just playing the demo and seeing for yourself!

This month I spent the majority of my time playing Castlevania: Symphony of the Night with my roommate. Truthfully, I did not actually expect this to be relevant to Amadeus in any way because the genre is completely different. But I've never been happier to be wrong! The Halloween-y vibes are of course relevant as I am writing about werewolves, but I was also just so inspired by several really brilliant game design choices. This game features something that I like to call "style AS substance," and that is exactly what I want to convey in my own game. I also got a fantastic idea for something I've been brainstorming for Episode 3 thanks to this game, but I can't elaborate on that any further at this time.

Anyway, it was a fantastic game, and also fantastic inspiration. 10/10 would recommend to friends.

That's all for this month! There will be another devlog at the end of November, and now that the GDD is done, there should be a lot of development progress in that one. In the meantime, you can always bookmark the Linktree and check back for new resources.

#Amadeus game #devlog #indie game #indie game dev #indie dev

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ovaryacted · 1 year ago

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HIIIIIIII!!!!!! How you doing Nic <<3 I haven't been on Tumblr for ages so idk if I missed any new fanfic from you? (Though I guess I'll find out soon enough cause I'm about to stalk ur blog again)

What have you been up to besides simping for Leon? And has the holiday mood hit you yet? I hope you're doing great!!! My days have literally been PACKED with exams I'm so exausteddd. I'm really proud of myself today cause I think I did very well on an exam I literally started studying for this morning (gonna get that stupid degree 🫡🫡) the exam was a nightmare cause the professor was literally like fifteen minutes late and she made it so damn difficult for no reason 🤧🤧 FUCK PHYSICAL CHEMISTRY I'M SICK AND TIRED!!!

But anyway, ur blog always gets my mood up tho!! Even though I don't have a lot of time lately I love binging ur posts whenever I have a second to breathe. I know I've said this before but you're my favorite blog on here! Keep up the good work pookie <33

Also I just got a notification of you saying you want someone to bully you into writing so I guess I gotta make this ask meaner like...

START WRITING RIGHT THE **** NOW YOU ******* PIECE OF **** DON'T BE SUCH A ***** *****🤬😡😤

Did that help ☺️?

Anyhow yeah, just felt like sending an ask cause I haven't in a while. I'm really proud of you btw, don't overwork yourself Nic! Quality over quantity is te way to go <33 byeee lovelieeee ❤️❤️❤️

-🌑

MY NEW MOON ANON BABY HI HOW ARE YOU I’VE MISSED YOU!! 🩶

I’m decent, kind of just trying to survive and go through the motions. November’s been rough, December is kinda worse BUT I’m chilling for the most part. I hope you’re doing alright especially with your studies!! I’m super proud of you for focusing on school work and getting good grades. And yes, fuck physical chemistry, but the real bitch in the sciences is physics (I love biology and chemistry lmao, but absolutely can’t stand physics!). I’m sure that you will do great for this semester, I wish you the absolute best on your finals. Take care of yourself, eat well and stay hydrated, and do get your rest. I remember how I was during finals when I was still in school, absolutely tore me apart I was running on lattes like it was water LMAO. But I hope you get your break very soon!

I always love seeing your messages, they make me happy. But I also feel ashamed I haven’t written anything new though I am in the process of getting back in the groove of things. My brain just hasn’t kicked in when it comes to smut and it’s like I know what to write, just never know how?? I have so many ideas, and usually I’m very good at creating intricate hcs or plot points or need be, but when it comes to writing it out it just takes me forever to do it now. It’s a process, but I know I’ll have something for you to read soon. The bullying is working tho, I will say that because the second you sent me that message I actually opened up my computer and wrote something 😭 So thank you!

And btw, I got your longer ask, I didn’t forget about you wanting more sub Leon. I have two WIPs in the process, jumping between them, but now I’m changing the way I’m seeing and writing for Leon so I have to tweak some things out. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten. Thank you for the lovely message seriously. 🫶🧡

#ovaryacted asks #₊˚⊹♡ ─ new moon anon 🌑

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vetustamorla · 1 year ago

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I'm here with the writing asks as I promised! and I have a few hehehe: 11, 12, 16, 22, 41, 61 (out of the whole of la noche eterna), and 68

omg good luck to me 🙏 i'm a little tipsy so this might be a mess

11. Do you write scenes in order, or do you jump around?

i do write in order!!! this wasn't always the case but for the last few minds i just have to have the knowlegde that i got through This bit to get to this other bit, or else my mind gets stuck. however, having done both, i think both are pretty great

12. Do you outline your fics? If yes, how detailed are your outlines? How far do you stray from them?

bfhdbfdbvhjfd i """outline"""........it's more of a braindump? i write out bits of scenes and dialogues and details like i am describing them to myself and go off that, dedicating half of my screen to that and half to the document i am writing in. it has worked Wonders and allowed me to take some pressure off my brain by having these very detailed, very silly notes to go off

16. Do you write by hand, on your phone, or on your laptop?

on my laptop!!! but years ago i was pretty much only writing on my phone. i have carpal tunnel problems so by hand is a no-go for me

22. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

.........it depends???? but mostly during or after. the titles are pretty much always from songs, or reiterations of the song lyric, that i've been listening to while writing. i've never been very original in my titling nor am i pretending to be tbh

(fun fact: make my world stop, everyone (no one)'s favourite fic, was pretty much from the very beginning called yuck in my document bc i'd been listening to charli xcx so much vhfdvngdjfnbg however later on the tone changed and i had to adapt the title with that </3)

41. Who’s your favorite character you’ve written?

mine is also leon i think 😭😭😭😭 i went so heavily on his mindset and i feel like i know him from the inside out now; it's unlike anything i've ever written before. in the past my favourite character was silva from my technically-rpf-but-not-really series, for the same reasons, because i focused so heavily on his psyche and felt like i know his every, even the worst, emotion at all times. with leon i'm happy to also explore the happier side of things and that's what makes it so enjoyable to write, the intricacies to explore with his character are pretty much endless!

61. In la noche eterna, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

it has to be between these two for me:

one: the part of the porn bit in when eden was lost where luis finally drops the pretense and lets leon see him and feel him and comfort him. that just... that's been on my mind pretty much as soon as the idea for this fic was born, and it made me uncomfortable to write because of how fucking hard it went, how bit by bit luis goes from masking and keeping up appearances to getting leon to make it better but without commiting and to, finally, accepting it. accepting the pain. living with it. living through it.

two: the exchange between the merchant and leon in make my world stop. this might be an unobvious one but i enjoyed SO much proverbially hitting the reader on the arm like ehm, hello, small reminder that the merchant while awesome is still in fact a ganado! and seeing him forget that compassionate and helpful part of himself in lieu of being drawn to leon, to the plaga in leon, was really fun to write. and really spooky.

[send me a fic ask or a few!]

#i'm not spellchecking this hvxfvgjfj i have a headache</3 #ty for the ask<3

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drkdreams · 10 months ago

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Forgotten Orgasms

Reposting from my fetlife

Trigger warning for hypnokink content don't read if you don't like that.

I forgot I had orgasms.

Not all orgasms just a few specific ones.

Ones it was predetermined I would forget.

And predetermined how I would remember them.

#hypnok1nk #hypnoslut

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elsa-fogen · 22 days ago

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Yep. Yeah. That's me. Almost all of it, except, i sleep well (if i manage to fall asleep) Reblogging because maybe some of you didn't know (i also didn't know)

Story time!

Too long don't read: used to sleep on private math lessons because i hate math; it takes hours for me to fall asleep WHEN I SUPPOSED TO, and my sister does it in 3-5 minutes.

I was studying at university and we had MATH there I've always had problems with it. since 5th grade i think (well, i hated math before too but real problems started there) when i changed schools and the new class was behind what I've already studied and i didn't pay attention, until i realized that at some point I was behind. I said "welp, i guess it's to late to try, so fuck it"

So at university we had this very high level math and i just couldn't understand a thing (and we had an awful teacher who was saying evvvvery time something like "yall getting expelled, we're all gonna die") so i decided "if i don't understand, fuck it then, i will not even try" and started skipping math classes.

But i STILL had to pass an exam, we were getting 3 tries and if you fail you're getting expelled. I failed first two what a surprise (i don't know how i managed to pass it after all, i can't remember SHIT, only that i is fucking non-existing number which is square root of -1. Why on earth would you need it i have NO fucking clue.

So i had personal teachers who tried to make me understand at least something to pass the exam. And there was one i remember very well, i even remember that we paid her 10$ per hour (for us that was quite a lot). And i remember her because i was SLEEPING. I just COULDN'T keep my eyes opened. She explains something about deviding by zero and my brain draws the fucking universe collapsing in front of my eyes. She gives me some task, I'm trying to write something and I'm falling asleep and DREAMING about writing, then ahe wakes me up and i see that i didn't write SHIT. It all ended when in the middle of lesson she just kicked me out.

And, what a miracle, I'm leaving her apartments and suddenly, all the sleepiness just wanishes! I'm walking home, thinking about some another AU of mine, roleplaying it with myself in my head, full of energy again.

That's not the only case of this, but it's the strongest i ever felt. But that like happens all the time, EVEN WHEN MY MOM OR MY GRANNY COMES TO ME AND START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING I'M NOT INTERESTED, IM YAWNING AND FEEL URGE TO FALL ASLEEP. But the moment they leave, It goes away! I was calling it work allergy LMAO

I was diagnosed with adhd in my early childhood (there was also something about epilepsy, but it's ok now so it doesn't matter), not long ago i brought this fact back into my active memory (thanks to Jaiden animations ADHD video for that xD) i kinda used to myself by now and now I'm trying to catch and analyse all moments of adhd kicking in. I know my own tricks and buttons, how to make myself do the thing or just how to force myself into doing something. Because i know if i start, I'll probably lock in and won't get up until it's done (well, if i have at least a tiny bit of interest in that thing, or else i won't), and i hate it when someone interrupts me in the middle of the process. No mom, i can't come right now, i can't finish it later, because i either spend few more hours forcing myself to go back to the task or just forget about it.

But i didn't know that this sleepiness was a legit symptom! I just thought that it's exaderated boredom, that's it, had a joke name for it. That's... Funny to know that this thing is actually also adhd moment.

Also, about sleeping. I have problems falling asleep. I may lie in the bed for hours without even my phone, just rotating my stories in my head, and when i don't have a story to think about, this is just the name of my current hyperfixation with different tones and in different random dialogues that doesn't even make sense. I have no idea how to fall asleep, except when i didn't sleep for like 48 hours (EVEN THEN IT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM AND I START THINKING OF THAT CREEPY PRION SICKNESS AND SCARE MYSELF AGAIN). And my mom told me that it have always been like that with me. She and my dad had the whole ritual to make me fall asleep. Dad would hold me in his arms, his head with me covered with a blanket that i could only see his face (or else I would look everywhere and never fall asleep), and rock me for HOURS while i was SCREAMING and CRYING the whole time like i was tortured. But when I'd finally fall asleep, they could be as loud as usual and didn't have to whisper, because wake me up is a whole different story. And my mom was SHOCKED when all it took to make my sister fall asleep was just pet her back for 3-5 minutes.

I don't think of myself as... Sick or ill. That's how i was all my life, i don't know anything else. That's not a sickness to me, that's just part of my personality. Maybe sometimes some parts of it bite me in the ass and make my life harder, but i don't know other life. That's the only one I've got, and i guess I'm fine with that (tho now that i think about it, i need to pay more attention to how i write the characters, and don't make them all ADHDshers LOL i need to study neurotypical people under a microscope 🔬🔍)

bro im gonna CRY i didnt know this 🥺

#reblog #adhd #adhd things #adhd story #text post #storytime with elsa

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sincelastsession · 6 months ago

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Joshua that number I left for my past EMDR therapist is the only way I've gotten in touch with her. I did request my records, she said she'd send them. They weren't delivered ever. I really really do want to get my files from her I am entitled to a copy via state law. It contains a fuck ton about me that I really feel will help because the sheer amount of traumas to bring up again is going to jar me trying to list em out. I feel like it'll definitely assist you on my treatment plan greatly because we did A LOT.

I assume that there's a place files of this nature are supposed to go?

I assume you would know who to call to help me secure them? Or perhaps we could find out. Even if you don't want to use them...I would very much like a copy of her files on me.

I can sign paperwork for you next session for you to get my files if I haven't and idk who else you'd like to talk to or option to chat with other than psychiatrist and primary care but I'll sign documents with them.

I think she still has a profile on psychology today and email...but the text number I left has been my only way to catch her...

I don't want to be nasty but if she can't produce my files I will call a lawyer. Because yes they'll be great for therapy but I asked a while back.

I'm going to send an image of your card to her and request she leave a voice-mail or talk to Chelsea so we can get that done.

It's just BOTHERING me.

I do understand your treatment style us very different.

Also fuck Robyn. I got so much "feedback" to say about her. She takes literal young men and women who are struggling and honestly I see those patients struggling more with thier gender identity and transitioning. I don't think she's safe for LGBTQA+ folks. That's imo something that should be between a psychiatrist and endo foremost before hitting therapy. Like ive spoken to mine about it and we have different views but now that I have I can open up abt that. Like she invited a client to her home. I feel she pushed a bi male into transitioning and imo the trans ppl I know are happy and she doesn't seem happy now at all. She told me to break up with my now ex and treated me like a liar and literally sessions with her felt like interrogation and SUPER judgy and she was VERY FAKE with my parents who were ofc putting on a show for her.

I cannot begin to explain how well my parents are at manipulating therapists and turning it into everything being on me and as soon as I say something in response or try to blow their cover it's WILD because the one thing they don't realize they do is thier facial expressions. They'll either over mask or forget to do it. They always trip up.

Mom likes to play victim and very clueless kind. Dad does this in a different manner, he's subject to get pissed and walk out or raise his voice unless he's gonna act right because you're not a woman.

The weirdest part of having been raised by these people. The way I've studied them since childhood to please them. They adapt and use therapy against me. They don't remember what they've said or done. They seem put out by me telling them "hey what you did was fuckin wrong and yeah I've brought it up before and you shut down and we never settled it" then they'll be like "you just love to hold grudges" etc... but it's not that. I'd like to process it all or what I can. The reason it comes up over and over is because it's not going into memories to be forgotten in my brain. It's just hanging out in the fuckin trauma bay. Like a packed ER.

I am open to whatever type of family therapy is beneficial. Often times my dad is nasty to my mom when she's calling or texting about me. I don't think she deserves any bullshit if she's just relaying a message.

Like they got divorced and still fight like idiot assholes.

She left and I had a fucked up back and was a stoner and kept to myself because my father treated me like a partner to abuse and daughter to control and there's a ton of emotional incest. Dad also talks to young ppl online and what I saw years ago looked like grooming behavior and poor pity me with women of age I hope but still younger than me. Probably because many older men try to influence young women and never emotionally mature correctly and actually accept their age. I remember him on dating sites complaining about how ugly certain women were whose profiles imo were quite lovely and impressive. He acts sorta like an incel.

My sister you'll probably see straight through. She's an actress.

I do want to see with a few sessions if it may be possible to salvage anything with any of them.

What's upsetting is that though I have a poor sense of self...they don't really know me or seem to want to know me.

My psychiatrist thinks it's due to me not being healthy and also that I'm not married and doing the "normal" thing so there's resentment.

Since NONE of them listen to anything I have to say because they're all under the impression I'm trying to control them based on well nothing other than I'm gonna guess THE PAST.

They think I'm frantic. They haven't really read anything about what I deal with. They don't listen to listen. They listen to reply and they cherry pick and twist things I say to mean things they don't.

I don't know how to have a conversation with any of them without them exploding. My dad and mom have literally put me on speaker and walked off and my sister idfk last time I tried to speak to her she was FADED and I hung up.

They all have excuses.

It hurts that they won't accept and educate themselves like my friends do. It's not hard.

I fear they are both VERY mentally unwell and I'd really like to hear what you think.

I do have audio I keep forgetting to show you. I feel it's important and it will give you an idea of what a "light" encounter with them both while having a fucked up back and asking for help because I couldn't do laundry on my own sounds like. I recorded it because it'd already been happening that day and they do the narccistic tornado and I wanted to make sure my words weren't twisted more.

I wish I had more recorded. It's wild.

I'm concerned my dad is fucking with Piper's head but she's already a shitshow (I love my sister but I'm gonna fuss about her crap still)

I feel like I'm playing Squid Games and talking to any of them is a test.

My dad has told me to kill myself and to die and he's left me alone in the hospital after relieving my mom where I was then abused and left in a waiting room with a dead phone and no way to go pee for HOURS because my back was out.

We almost sued OLOL for the maltreatment.

This is not the first time I've been left alone in a hospital and abused.

People think I'm a hypochondriac but I just have a special interest in medical. I grew up in medical environments. Knowing as much as I can retain has kept me safe from further misdiagnosis and malpractice bullshit. I wish I could actually just gent sent to a mayo clinic or idk one of the big hospitals where they use diagnosticians and run you through the gambit.

I know it's not a thing unless ppl are very sick. I mean it was traumatic as a child to be put in NIH testing for a Dermatomyositis study. I don't remember meeting other kids. I just met Ted Kennedy one day while I was playing waiting on another test. It was scary being like 8 and seeing secret service fill a room and guard a door so he could have a photo with me. He did talk to me a ton and I really don't remember what he said. My parents were thrilled and I'm sure there's a cat piss stained picture somewhere.

Did you know that my sister and dad just threw a ton of my things away and donated or tossed most of my books. I had a massive bookshelf. Now it's covered with things that are mine and shit my sister used to make her room aesthetic without asking me.

It has always been hard to go home and get anything from her. I really just want to take everything that was or is mine. Things I gave her and things she stole.

I don't think she realizes I have 2yrs to file a report on the assault and I could take her to court for emotional distress too and probably more.

I've never gotten justice for any of the things that have happened to me.

I wish I could just send all thier asses to prison but they wouldn't survive.

They all think I won't do anything. That's been taunted at me.

They have no clue. They have no clue what they created and they have no clue what goes on in my head.

Sometimes I think that there's something supernatural at play.

I believe in those sorts of things. I don't talk about it much enthusiastically because ofc people like to shit on it.

I know most of the things that haven't been proven by science will eventually be.

I know that also it does exist. Our govt wouldn't have done studies to use ppl with ability for war purposes.

I know a lot of cold reading is fueled by trauma. I don't like to cold read. I think people who sell cold reads etc are just very good at telling others what they want to hear...or they're so desperate they will truly take advice.

When I read things come through and there's this process. It's mind's eye where pictures and words come through. Then I just ask about what I see or deliver whatever messages. I was pushed out of a group that was threatened by my reading. They were threatened because they are frauds. If a message doesn't make sense for someone then I tell them to just take what makes sense. It's often like a crowded room when I read for people. It's been a while since I tried beyond simple shit. I've scared the crap out of friends holding thier hand and reading them. Because they never told me about the people I relayed messages. I didn't just guess. I opened myself up to it and flooded in.

Sometimes I want to get Reiki certification so I can just do that for ppl. I was told by a master that I was a natural energy worker. I was told by native shamans that I was a gatekeeper. My grandmothers had thier little superstitious practices.

This is the part you'll probably want to ask more about if I haven't talked abt it. I've exorcized a demonic or spiritual entity out of a person before. There's no way to prove it. I know what I saw and heard. I wasn't high.

It makes me wonder how many cases are actually supernatural and how many are actually just mental illness.

Also it's been driving me insane Joshua but I know you somehow outside of therapy. I do wonder if we've just been at the same place at the same time more than once and that's why I remember your face or if we have many mutual ppl. This is a big city small town so who knows. I hope it doesn't fuck up th Or you have a doppelganger 🤷🏻‍♀️

Idk.

I think one reason ppl think me and Travis would be a pair is because he's just a really kind good person. This extends beyond me and to others he knows. His family really is picturesque. They are excellent people. He will make someone incredibly happy one day. I am really bothered by people passing him over. He's actually looking for a therapist. I wouldn't be bothered if any of my friends saw you as a patient. The whole "oh no we can't do therapy with people you know" thing imo is silly. People in this state all know each other to the point it's just goofy.

My partner called me all excited that he didn't have to work overnight. He called because he was going out and felt bad that he wouldn't get to chat with me and had planned on doing so and had been excited to do so. He actually said "I Love you" more than once and I told him to go have fun. Saying I Love you is difficult for him sometimes. Am I sad I'm not getting to talk to him? Yes. Am I happy he got out of a stressful work night to enjoy time with his buddies or other partner? Yes, why wouldn't I be? I do get sad that I can't be there but it's still better than half the mfers that are just overgrown fuckbois etc that don't even have the emotional maturity to call.

I'm gonna go smoke out, do smol bit of laundry in my travel laundry bucket thing, eat decent food, stay up to an asinine hour, and play Sims4.

Hopefully no dumb bullshit occurs.

I cannot and I'm not the one this evening.

Goodnight

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