#because my brain processes that i've felt this before but always forgets i 'felt' it in a dream

[profilerclra]

Am I allowed to cry? pt. 1 | Spencer Reid x Reader

In which you're in love with Spence, but never told him.

angst! (but don't worry, part two will be fluff)

warnings: Some light swearing and that's it i think (??)

content: Mutual pining (although spencer's side isn't really shown in this part)

a/n: I've been writing this one for 2 weeks and even deleted it once, but finally got to it and finished this!! Hope you guys like it <3

You had joined the BAU only 2 years after Spencer, and you two quickly became friends and only grew closer with time. Now, 5 years after meeting, you two we’re best friends, joined at the hip. Spencer was the greatest friend you could have, understanding and loving. Maybe that’s why your stupid brain decided to complicate things, at some point you started to see Spencer in a different light. 

One day, when you were having the worst cramps ever during a case, Spencer went out of the precinct the team was at, when he came back he had bought you chocolates and heating pads to help with the pain. You felt like you could cry, and after he gave you one of his beautiful smiles, you realized. 

Oh fuck… I'm in love with Spencer Reid.

That day, you also swore you would never tell him, there’s no way he felt the same, and you would not ruin the perfect friendship you both had. 

What you seemed to forget about was that, at some point, Spencer was going to get a date, a girlfriend or whatever, and you didn’t even stop to think how you would feel when that day arrived. 

Well... You don’t need to imagine it anymore, because it finally happened. The day before, Spencer had told you how he finally gathered the courage to ask a girl that he’d been on a few dates to be his girlfriend. Your heart sank when he delivered the news to you, though you did your best to seem enthusiastic for him. 

“Really, spence, that’s great. I'm super happy for you!” You told him, before quickly excusing yourself to the bathroom. 

You felt so dumb, you knew Spencer was not in love with you, you thought you had accepted that, so why the fuck are you feeling like the floor has been taken off your feet every time you think about him loving someone that isn’t you? God, you might be going crazy.  

You knew you wouldn't be able to keep your "omg I'm so happy for you!" facade for long. Your genius solution was to avoid him, only for some time, while you dealt with your feelings. 

You decided to talk with the only person that knew about your feelings besides you, Penelope.

You open the door to her office, “Pen, help me. I’m so stupid, my brain is broken or something” 

Penelope turns around on her chair, pulling another one for you to sit 

“Oh no honey, whatever it is you're not stupid, now, what’s happening?” 

“Spence has a date… God, I’m 27 years old, why the fuck do I care about this”  

“Ohh you’re in love, baby. Of course, you’re going to feel bad, that’s normal. Trust me, I’ve been there.” 

“Maybe… It doesn't matter anyway. I'm going to avoid him for this week, process all this shit and then everything will be back to normal” You force a smile, that was meant to pass a positivity you didn't even really feel, but it just made Penelope feel bad for you. 

“Maybe don’t do that. You know Spencer is going to notice, it’s best if you talk to him.” She says, repeating an advice she has lost count how many times she’s given you. Penelope has always been sure Spencer was into you, and always encouraged you to confess. Needless to say, you never heard her advice. 

“No, I can't. I would ruin our friendship, he would hate me. And, it would be so unfair of me, I mean… I only confess now that he has a chance with someone?” You take a deep breath, and get up from the chair  “Thanks for the chat pen, love you” You say, placing a kiss on her cheek and leaving her office. 

You really did appreciate her advice, but there’s no way you would confess to Spencer, not only would it seem petty, but you were deadly afraid to ruin your friendship… not that avoiding him was doing any good, but fuck that you’re not in the mood to be rational right now. 

You head to your desk, avoiding eye contact with Spencer and just focusing on your work when Hotch calls the team. You guys have a new case. 

“Great”  You mumble under your breath, even if being in the office would be hard to avoid Reid, having to be out on a case with him will make it impossible. That doesn't mean you're not going to try. "Im an adult and a professional, this shit should not get in the way of my work." You think to yourself as if it's a mantra to keep you focused. 

You enter the room, taking a seat between Emily and Rossi, as Hotch and Penelope brief the team you can see in your peripheral vision how Spencer's gaze shift to you, making avoiding it somehow more difficult. You're used to giving him small smiles, being beside him and always being in contact with each other somehow, he even would be fine with letting you hug him beside his germophobia, so you're sure he already noticed how distant you were being. 

"Alright, wheels up in 30, We'll get more details on the jet" 

— 

On the jet, hotch distributes the tasks, as always, he paired you up with Reid to do the geoprofiling. 

After a couple of hours, you and the team arrive at the precinct. As the rest of the team goes out to the field, you and Reid stay back doing the reading, and geoprofiling. You only speak to him when it's something regarding the case. Luckily, after a day, you guys finally makes the arrest, and soon you are back on the jet.

As soon as you arrive back to the BAU office, you just pass by Garcia's office to give her a quick goodbye and head to the elevator, ready to go home, and finally process your feelings - or better yet, force yourself to get over Spencer.

If this was under normal circumstances, you and Reid would be standing together in front of the elevator discussing which food you two would order as you watched some weird indie movie. The memory of those times brings a sharp pain to your chest, how could you be so naive? Yes, you told yourself he was not interested, but deep down between all those moments you two shared you hoped one day he would see you as something more than just a friend. 

"Hey, is everything alright? You seemed off today" Lost in your thoughts, you didn't notice when Spencer stood beside you, his voice pulling you off your thoughts. 

"I'm great spence, just have a headache"

"Are you sure? You know, lying to a profiler has a very small percentage of working" 

"I'm sure, don't worry… So, is it today?" You ask, as you two step in the elevator and press the button to the garage level

"Yeah, I'm really nervous." 

"That's normal, but it'll be fine, don't worry" The elevator gets to the floor your car is at, you hold the door open and turn to him "hey, be yourself ok? She'll be lucky to have you." You say, before shooting him a small smile and getting out the elevator. 

As you walk towards your car, a few tears start streaming down your face, you've known you love him for a long time, and you now realize that you might never know what could have been between you two. Maybe Garcia was right, but now it's too late to say anything. 

[babyangelsky]

Tag Game: Scenes I Will Never Forget

Tagged by beloveds @nabi-unveiled @yannig and @dramalove247

Tagging: @negrowhat @benkaben @slayerkitty @soypim @chicademartinica and @bunni-bun ! I don't know who all has already done this but if you have I'd love to see your lists! 💖

Rules: Share 5-10 scenes you can't forget. Not your favorites, the ones that got stuck in your brain for any reason.

I wanted to do this game immediately when I saw it because I love talking about the things I feel deranged about. But as I got into it, a question I ended up asking myself a lot was, "do I like the scene or do I just like this line/this specific moment/the acting/the dynamic, etc?"

And after asking myself that question, this is the selection I came up with. It's overwhelmingly BL with one singular exception at the end. Also it ended up being more than 10 because I have no self control and was encouraged to break the rules.

Not Me

When I was doing my BL wrap up in December, specifically the list where I talked about my favorite lines, I mentioned that my previous favorite line had been dethroned.

This was the favorite that got dethroned.

But we're talking about scenes here, not just lines (even though the line and the delivery are excruciatingly beautiful and still one of my very favorites of all time). It's the face journey. It's how even though Dan was nude he didn't really feel exposed and vulnerable until Yok actually began to draw him, and in doing so perceived things about him that only an artist could perceive. Dan felt like he was confessing because Yok asked to immortalize him, to see him.

When It Rains, It Pours

This should come as no surprise to anyone who's been following me for a while. I very openly lost my shit about this scene. This is the scene that got me. This is the scene that took my interest in this show and turned it into raging, incandescent love.

THE JOY! THE RELIEF!

Kinnporsche

Another one that should come as no surprise. I've talked about the bathroom scene before. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it changed me as a person. This scene and this show are the entire reason I'm sitting here writing this post now.

Others in our community have written at length about how beautifully acted and scored and lit this scene is and they've done it far more coherently than I ever could, so I'm not gonna do that. Just imagine me gesturing passionately at everything about it to communicate my feelings.

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us

If I could put any show in its entirety on this list, it would be this show because the amount of scenes that stuck with me is endless. But it's the scenes where In and Wang are alone that have stuck with me the most, in particular the ones where it's just them in the house.

There's this feeling of having stolen time, of having gotten away with something, of finally having something to yourself that you've been desperately wanting that comes through so well. Wang finally gets to talk to In as much as he wants, he gets to touch him, he gets to ask questions he's always wanted to ask and have them answered, he gets to fully be in love with him in a way he can't be when someone else is there watching them and intruding on them by simply existing.

This is a show that you have to be in the right mood for. There are moments where the tension has been curated so well and so carefully and has reached such a pitch that it makes them almost unbearable to sit there and watch. And that's what I love most about it.

Only Friends

Whatever else may be said about this show (and there's a lot), to me the one thing about it that cannot be faulted is the acting. Every single actor turned in a fantastic performance but the one that's stuck with me the most is Khao. Particularly during Ray's second therapy session where he was ready and willing to actually try and let the process in.

It was a huge moment for Ray and fuck if he didn't make the viewer feel everything right along with him.

My Only 12%

The way this bridge scene shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces. The separation was so necessary for Cake and Eiw and it ended up being really healthy and beneficial for their development as individuals but FUCK IT HURT SO MUCH. YOU'VE GOTTA TRUST THE PROCESS BUT SOMETIMES THE PROCESS HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

This is also on my list of favorite lines of all time by the way.

The On1y One

I fought with myself a lot over which scene to chose from this show because regrettably, no matter how much I love and have to say about Benjamin Tsang's face, a microexpression does not in fact count as a scene.

But Jiang Tian finally unpacking his suitcase and not just finally feeling like he's home, but feeling like he's home with the person he loves most? That's a scene. That suuuuure is a scene 🥲

My grief for the second season we're never going to get is eternal.

My Stand-In

This moment where Ming finally realizes that the person he fell in love with was always Joe was pure emotional catharsis. Everything that happened and everything they'd been through and all the mistakes and the pain and misunderstandings finally culminated in this one beautiful scene and Ming had the only reaction it was possible for him to have.

You can practically see the guilt crushing him as he walks toward Joe and you can hear the regret in his voice as he apologizes and begs for him back. Only Up could've played this role and delivered this performance, no one else.

See Your Love

Have you ever wept over a man weeping over another man's adam's apple? This scene is so much more than that but at its core it's that simple and beautiful and devastating (in the best way).

Top Form

THE FUCKING ACTING. THE CINEMATOGRAPHY. THE EXPRESSIONS.

Kinnporsche

Yeah, Kinnporsche is on here twice. I couldn't not. I don't think I've ever watched this show without repeating this scene at least half a dozen times. This may be the funniest scene in any BL I've ever seen and it makes me lose my shit EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Bonus: The Village

This scene from The Village has stuck with me since I first watched it when I was 10 years old. There are very few scenes I've seen in my life in both movies and series that I think are even half as well scored and emotionally tense as Ivy reaching her hand out in the darkness with the absolute faith and certainty that Lucius is going to grab it and everything will be okay.

There is a whole rant to be had about how abominably this movie was let down by its marketing but that's a conversation for another time.

[yannig]

Tag Game: Scenes I will never forget

Rules: Share 5-10 scenes you can't forget. Not your favorites, the ones that got stuck in your brain for any reason.

Tagged by @my-rose-tinted-glasses and @theside-b, thank you friends!

As usual, my first reaction to this kind of prompt is to blank completely, but I'm sure I'll find something! I tend to remember plot-lines or character dynamics better than specific scenes, but that's what make the exercise interesting ^^

We're keeping to QL and QL adjacent shows, or I'll end up in book territory and it'll turn into a mess.

Spoiler warning for (in order):

Koisenu Futari

Beyond Evil

Pit Babe (S1)

The Next Prince

Don't Say No

Love In The Air

Koisenu Futari

I adore the entire show, but Sakuko and Takahashi's first meeting in particular means so much too me.

There was something deeply satisfying and healing in watching them go through a typical meet-cute and knowing all the little incentives to love where meant to be read as micro-aggression, instead of normal.

It felt like being welcomed home for the first time.

time to find the gif: 5 seconds! yay! :D

Beyond Evil

This scene gets me in hysterics every time I think about it.

It's the final confrontation, so of course it's packed with tension; but it's this choice of Han Joo Won, specifically, that I can't get out of my head.

Lee Dong Sik interrupting the final face-off between Han Joo Won and his father, Han Gi Hwan's gun changing target from Han Joo Won to Lee Dong Sik, and Han Joo Won immediate reaction being to put himself between them.

In the most unhinged way one can put themselves between two gunmen.

His back to his father, asking for Lee Dong Sik gun's - seemingly on Han Gi Hwan's side, from the outside, and that's certainly how Han Gi Hwan understands it because he's an idiot.

Except Han Joo Won put himself right under Lee Dong Sik's arm. Where he was shielding Lee Dong Sik from his father's gun, but not the other way around. Where he was almost supporting Lee Dong Sik's arm, were he to decide to shoot anyway. Very firmly on Lee Dong Sik's side - and unlike Han Gi Hwan, Lee Dong Sik reads that correctly.

And then of course, Han Joo Won turns the gun against his father.

It's not like we needed a confirmation he was unhinged or in love with Lee Dong Sik, at this point in the show, but still.

Unhinged behavior, Joo Won.

spent half-an-hour searching but couldn't find a gif of this moment :(

Pit Babe

Babe crumbling down after Charlie's death occupies an entire (heartbreaking) episode, but the one scene I have printed on the back of my eyelids is him laying on the ground beside his car, completely unresponsive, watching Charlie's accident on repeat like it will give him closure or relief.

I don't know why it's this visual specifically that stuck with me - I was arguably more sensitive to Babe's tears - but even a year later, it won't leave me alone.

couldn't find a gif of this one either i'm sad :(

The Next Prince

Prince Rachata whipping Paytai to punish Ramil for messing with Khanin.

This feels a bit like cheating because it's so recent, but holy fuck the choke-hold this scene has had on me is insane. I wrote a fic for this scene in less than 24 hours (which I'd never done before), and rewatched it several times in the process! It's engraved in my mind at this point. It might be early, but I know already I'm never forgetting this.

The tension. The feels. The lighting. The subtle tremors. The power dynamics. The whump. This one probably also counts as a favorite, but what can I say. It was impactful for a reason.

the positive of an on-going show is that it took me less than 5 minutes to find this gif, which is always a win in my book :D

Don't Say No

Here's one that will certainly never make it into favorite lists: King managing to convince Fiat that Punn's father will convince Leo's family to force them to break up and make Leo marry Punn.

I've forgotten half of this show to the point I had to go back and google everyone's names, but that was so stupid I can still remember it clearly.

I know Fiat has self-esteem issues and everything, but we're talking about the parents who basically adopted him, the mother who gifted them a couple necklace before they even got together, the mother who, when coming back after months (if not years) out of the country, greets him before her own children because his finally her son-in-law and she's so happy about it. The idea they would force them to break up is laughable.

It could have worked in a lot of BLs but not this one. I can't believe Fiat fell for it that was so stupid.

did not even look for a gif

Love In The Air

The bathtub scene in the special episode is simply seared into my mind.

Sky and Prapai are the couple who got me into Thai Bls, so I've got a soft spot for them. And this scene works for me for like, sexy reasons obviously, but also dynamic wise, it's just- chef's kiss. Of course Sky would be into discipline and domination - the guy craves control. And Prapai just goes with it, because he wants nothing more than to please Sky. It just works so well for them.

gif searching time: about 5 minutes. i was scared for a minute but i did find something!

That was fun! Thanks again for the tag <3

No pressure tag: @obsessedferalgremlin @visualtaehyun @popleedelululand @candidsoup @babyangelsky @negrowhat @wangxianinventedromance and anyone who wants to play ^^

[childotkw]

hi!! i really, really, REALLY love your writing I'm not kidding when I say I'm utterly in love with your style (and your mind because you're brilliant! YOU HAVE GALAXY BRAIN!!) I wouldn't say I'm a picky reader exactly but..well let's just say that I can love a story but it's rare for me to read something and then instead of just loving the story, I fall in love with the writing itself too! I swear when I first discovered you it felt like I found a whole new world! after reading everything you posted on ao3, I camped here for days reading everything else regardless of ships/no ship/plot. It's been years since then haha I still go here XD I was that CAPTIVATED. MESMERIZED. IN AWE. STILL AM.

With THAT SAID, before I get way too emotional and forget my second reason for this ask hahahshs I'm not sure if someone has already asked this before but do you have something like an outline/thoughts process of any of your published works? or just the general idea of your writing process! I'm genuinely interested in how you plan and sort things out! If that's alright of course >_< I would love to learn a thing or two!

Hello hello!! Thank you so much for your kind words - it's great to hear you've enjoyed my stuff! 🥰

I have a whole bunch of posts in this tag (#writing tips) where I talk about my writing process / plans, if you want to have a look at those as well!

For me, every story honestly has a different approach. Some pop up nearly fully formed (e.g., Consuming Shadows), while others change and morph depending on the day and the phase of the moon (e.g., ybtm(ibty)).

I suppose I'm lucky in that I've never really struggled with coming up with ideas. If anything I have far too much fun letting my imagination get away from me 😅

But I always try and have the overarching plot line mapped out before I commit to writing a story. I always sit down and map out a general storyline (different acts, if you will, or what the main character growth moments will be), so that I have a rough outline to starting working towards.

For example, when I first sat down to start working on all your secrets (all my lies) last week, the first thing I did was establish a timeline.

I mapped out from the day Regulus' consciousness comes back in time (1 August 1976, for those interested), all the way to two years in the future (currently at May 1978), and wrote down, month by month, what events would take place. It's not necessarily set in stone, but by having a timeline written out, it gives me an idea of where the peaks and troughs in my story would be. It gave me a solid understanding of how my pacing might need to change, or how certain events need to be added / rearranged so that there are never any significant months of inaction for the characters.

By having this timeline in hand, I can now start filling in the smaller moments (how I get from Point A to Point B in the story), which gives me a way to start plotting out my chapters and what will happen in individual scenes.

Hope that gives you an idea of how my brain works? If you have any other specific questions, feel free to ask!

[wrongcaitlyn]

for the ask game !!! 4, 6 and 22 for tyt / dear reader in general !!!

4. If the fic required it, what did you research in order to write it?

oh SO much😭 there was definitely a lot of research into dates, at first, just because i wanted to make sure i was lining up all the award shows with the actual dates and choosing which award shows to write (also coming across the fact that grammys 2018 was on jan 28...) also, the categories that were in award shows, i had to research what exactly all of those categories were for - which ones nico would be nominated for, who they were awarded to (just the singer, also the producer?). the amount of time that i spent on the grammys' wikipedia page was much longer than i'll ever admitslkjfd

also billboard charts! i did a ton of research into records, how they're counted, because i wanted to make sure that when i was mentioning nico's milestones, they were at least somewhat realistic. i read through a bunch of billboard album reviews and articles with producers and whatnot to try and figure out the basics of music journalism.

there was research into transitioning, as well, even though i was much more hesitant to trust *google* for that sort of stuff, but i wanted to know just how easy it would be for nico to actually get top surgery and whatnot, and also the effects of binders when singing/having a performance and stuff

SO MUCH OLYMPICS RESEARCH. LIKE. god i think i complained about this at some point but seriously, the archery world championships and olympics qualification is still confusing asf to me. but i wanted to make sure that, despite kayla being a relatively minor character, i was figuring out all the right dates, how she would get qualified, records for youngest world champions, etc etc.

weather accounts. ik that it's very unnecessary but i genuinely looked up dates for concerts and what the weather was, or when i wanted it to rain i actually looked up whether it was raining, how i could twist it to when it *did* rain, and whatnot. i may be insane when it comes to details like that

and in general, i watched a lot of interviews (though that was in my free time, and tbf i've always been interested in it, even before i started writing the series) about artists and singer-songwriters and how they wrote, how they worked, and just the entire creating-an-album process

there's probably a lot more that i'm forgetting, bc i genuinely was always researching something. fun fact! there hasn't been an italian artist to reach #1 on the billboard hot 100 since 1958 (he was also the first european artist to reach #1 on the billboard hot 100).

6. How did you decide what tense and POV(s) to use?

i had just written a fic (my hunger games au) in past tense, and when writing it, i felt like i kept slipping into present. so when i started writing talk your talk, i decided to just test out present tense and see whether i liked that better (back when i thought it would be a relatively short oneshot, maybe a oneshot series)

the funny thing about that is that i thought i didn't like it, and so THEN when i wrote another fic - my marauders jegulus fame au - i decided to write that one in past tense. a warning for any writers: NEVER. write two wip's that are in different tenses. it's a horrible kind of torture. since then, i've had to write all of my other fics in present tense because i didn't want to mess up my brain while writing talk your talk - it's so confusing to switch it up, because then i'd also have to monitor what i was reading, and if i read something present tense, i wasn't able to write starry eyes; if i read something past tense, i wasn't able to write talk your talk. i couldn't write one and then switch over to the other, i had to like program my brain to think in the correct tense - ANYWAY it was very very hard and i highly recommend to never do that and just stick with one tense, at least until you want to fully switch over😭

as for the pov, in talk your talk, it was always going to be nico! the whole fic was very centered around him, and i knew that i wanted to add all these details on how he felt about his rise to fame - i really wanted that internal dialogue during shows, and school, and producing music, and also how songs would come to be and whatnot. also, i had just written my hunger games au in nico's pov, and i just really liked it😭

when it came to greatest of luxuries, i knew that i wanted to expand on the universe. that did horrendous things to my wordcount, but i think it was for the best!! i got to add more character development to will, which was *really* important to me, seeing as he and nico are pretty separate stories while nico is on tour and will is in college, and it also let me introduce a bunch of new characters!! i added a few other interludes too, with a bunch of different pov's, but the most interesting, i think, was apollo

apollo's pov/memoir (and i'm so sorry, i know you haven't gotten to that yet but i just had to include it when talking about pov's!!) is one of my FAVORITE things to write. i knew that i wanted to add more of apollo's lore and his story to the au, but for a while, i didn't know how to do it - it didn't feel right to just add an apollo pov where all he does is reflect on the past and so i got SO excited when i thought of creating a memoir. usually i'm heavily against writing in first person, but it just felt so natural with apollo - how else could you have a pov that just focuses on the past (pretty much an entirely different timeline) but still with the huge ego of apollo? while he still shows maturity and how he's grown as a person?? i'm already such a fan of including mixed media in my fics, but the memoir has to be my favoritekjldsf

22. What is something you learned about yourself as a writer from the experience?

i love causing pain. i think i already knew that, seeing as one of my first fics when starting to write again last year was a hunger games au in which i killed off like a good majority of the main cast. but there was something cool in writing angst as a theme in talk your talk, when fame au's largely focus more on the reputation of a person, conflicts between relationship, etc. not that i have a problem with those, seeing as im a sucker for literally any kind of fame au, but i sort of put them in the background for this series!

overall, i feel like i've grown such a huge amount with this fic. i started it around the same age as nico and will, only slightly younger, and now they're nearly 20 and im still 16. both in the writing sense and just in general, i really got over my fear of starting/committing to longer fics, because i really just fell in love with the universe. i learned that i *love* adding different forms of media to fics, and that one of my favorite things about writing is exploring how different universes would impact the characters differently - it would shape their personalities, give them some different characteristics and different outlooks on life, and that's prob why i love au's so muchdjfs

but the main main thing is that this is the first time that i feel like i really wrote the fic and got a huge community out of it - i've always had a few mutuals in fandoms and whatnot (both when editing and writing), but with talk your talk, i started getting repeat commenters, and eventually started my tumblr, and i realized how incredibly motivating it is to be able to share my obsession with the au with so many other people!! it's been an absolutely incredible experience <33

well i definitely rambled a lot thereDLKFJS thank you for the asks!!

[emotional-support-demon-crowley]

Hello there

I really hope that you're having a great day and taking care of yourself. (Hugs)

Here are some requests for the ask game:

1 for "Is not that Strange?" (Newt or Anathema perspective, perhaps?); 2; 3; 7; 16; 17; 23; 28; 35: Are you working on anything at the moment?

Hello! I'm happy the weekend is here and I have plans to enjoy it. I hope you're doing well! Thank you so much for the lovely asks.

1. Write a scene from 'Is Not That Strange?' in Newt or Anathema's POV:

In the interest of time, I promise I will answer this, I've already got some ideas, but I'll need to slot it into my writing schedule, so it'll take me a hot minute. I'll reblog this post with the results when it's done.

2. Which of your fics is your pride and joy?

'Unfallen' is always going to have a very special place in my heart specifically because I didn't believe I could finish a story until I managed to write that one. Nothing else would have been possible if 'Unfallen' hadn't rattled around in my brain demanding to be let out.

After that, I think either 'Terminus' because I was really happy with how it came together and how well it was received, or 'Is Not That Strange?' for being something that was both playing with tropes but also new and interesting for me.

3. What are your top three most commonly used tags on AO3?

So in checking on the answer for this one, I've had to come to terms (yet again) with the fact that I am really shit at tags. But here's some sort of an answer:

Mind Manipulation - when I first started out, most of my stories had some sort of memory shenanigans

Crowley Forgets Aziraphale in self-defense - this is entirely due to my post-season 2 series since each entry gets tagged with it

Fluff/Mostly Fluff - I've found that any time I dip a toe in angst I need to write an excess of fluff to reset my brain chemistry

7. Coffee or tea while you write?

Mountain Dew when I write, almost exclusively.

I do like tea but I tend to drink it at work where I can get it for free.

I'll drink coffee, but I like my coffee like I like my alcohol - I don't want to taste the base ingredient.

16. What do you struggle with most when writing?

The easy answer is focus. I have raging ADHD and whenever the words aren't flowing easily, my brain is seeking easier sources for dopamine without checking in with me first. To help avoid that, I do things like setting my phone out of reach and opening my writing in a separate window so I don't see all the other tabs with their notification counts, which... helps some.

There are parts of the actual writing that I feel like I'm not as skilled at as others, but I wouldn't call those struggles. They're just things that I'm working on challenging myself to improve.

17. What is something you recently felt proud of in your writing?

This might seem odd, but I'm actually really proud of the fact that I'm taking the wonderful editing I get from @mythosandsuch and carrying his suggestions forward into my first draft work. Basically, as he's taken up the job of helping improve my stories, I noticed trends with some of his feedback. Specifically, there were things that I was doing pretty consistently and by working on changing those habits both in the first draft process and in my initial editing, it's making my writing stronger.

I know from experience that editing can be a really hard job and I will forever be grateful for the time and effort that @mythosandsuch puts into making my writing shine.

Seriously, beyond the regular mundane editing and invaluable feedback, at least once a chapter he finds a very silly mistake that I'm grateful got caught before the posting stage.

23. What's a story you'd love to write but haven't even started yet?

This is tough. I fall in and out of interest with stories in a way that I have almost no control over. I have small scene ideas that are really gripping, but if I haven't fleshed out a whole outline around it yet, the idea as a whole doesn't really get under my skin and demand to be written.

I have a time travel story that has some interesting elements. There's a vampire AU that I've been poking at an outline for, but the final battle and resolution is too vague for me to lock in on it. Truthfully, I have a bunch of folders of ideas and whenever I finish something I go poking around hoping one of them will catch my eye.

28. What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with?

I had one where Crowley was an incorporeal spirit who was drawn to places where people were about to die, but he had almost no ability to save them, which was such a horrible way to exist that he thought it must be some sort of punishment. No one who isn't deceased ever saw him until he met Aziraphale because someone was stabbed behind the bookshop. Since Aziraphale can see him, he convinces Crowley to let him help him try to save people. Crowley is hesitant from the start and though they do manage to save some of the people together. But as Crowley feared, Aziraphale ends up in harms way and badly injured a few times in the process. At one point, Aziraphale is hurt so bad it seems like he might die and he believes maybe this is a way they can finally be together. That was not the resolution of the situation because Crowley has been keeping secrets about who he used to be...

There was more to it than that, but the whole story was just angst and pining all the way down. Plus, you know, unknown strangers in mortal peril. I started writing the first chapter, but there really wasn't room for the type of humor I like to have in my stories and when I realized how far into the negative emotions I would need to wade to finish it, I concluded it would make me miserable to try to write it.

35. Are you working on anything at the moment?

I am! None of my big ideas caught my attention when I sat down to write again after I finished posting my last fic, so I decided to knock out the next entry in my series 'Till the Hurting is Done'. I figured those are usually a few thousand words, I could easily finish it in a few days-a couple of weeks at most! Now I'm watching the word count confidently approaching the 20k mark. But I'm happy to follow where the story needs to go.

In the series as a whole, after Season 2, Crowley decided to pull a Jim and get rid of his memories. He just decided to only forget the ones that included Aziraphale specifically. Problem is, the outcome is a little less stable than Crowley expected. In one of the earlier entries, Warlock showed up and Anthony, the name he prefers post memory dump, doesn't recognize the boy, but feels a strong desire to try to help him.

In the entry I'm working on now, Warlock has returned to Whickber Street. He's ready to accept the offer of help because he can't stop thinking about the man who is the spitting image of the nanny who disappeared with the family gardener the night before Warlock's eleventh birthday.

--

My thanks again for taking the time to engage. I enjoy taking a little break to write about my process. And I will get you the scene you requested as soon as I can.

[hinatashiftz]

TRIAL AND ERROR

2nd ALT. ZEROBASEONE DR

W.C 4.7K | WARNING/GENRES: Reality Shifting Storytime, LOTS OF ANGST but fluff at the end, mentions of cheating/flirting with other people while in a relationship, in depth mentions of sobbing and crying and in public too, mentions of overwhelming thoughts, mentions of anxiety, mentions of fighting, mentions of yelling and arguing, mentions of a funky love square, mentions of le sserafim, we love hanbin he’s one of the best friends, reconcile at the end , second chances at love, lovey dovey at the end

When the two of you go from friends, friends to benefits, boyfriends in a span of two weeks. When one conversation lands you in bed, naked and breathless with your best friend and for the next week your brain was in shambles trying to find the puzzle pieces again on what the two of you were.

However, I quickly found the puzzle pieces in a blink of an eye as I was falling into last week's same situation. I suddenly was spilling the romantic feelings I felt for Ricky as he held me in his arms, he looked at me in shock as if I started speaking an unknown language. Luckily, he reciprocated.

Fast Forwarding, Present time, Ricky and I have been in a romantic relationship for almost two months. It hasn’t been the best relationship I've ever been in but I was happy. Sadly when I’m in love, I'm completely and utterly blinded. I’m happy with anything given to me even if it's something small and I’m obsessed. He never came off as a clingy person in the first place and since we had sex before a first date, which also wasn’t the best due to our job and scheduling. I guess you can say the relationship always felt unbalanced. The state of where our relationship was I would never put him up for blame, I don’t think anyone is to blame, it was simply wrong timing. He was genuinely one of the most caring people and attentive people I've ever met.

Pursuing a romantic relationship while being in this sort of profession is kinda difficult. Kinda as in, it’s not for the weak.

The last week of our relationship before it was broken off was unsettling. Of course he was never the clingy type but he was a bit more distant than usual. Everytime he did try to reach out to be with me though, Gunwook would budge in the middle and always have an excuse to stop me from hanging out with him. At the moment it confused me but I didn’t think much of it, until one night.

I was winding down from the work day alone in my shared bedroom with Gunwook and Yujin. Yujin was out running errands with Matthew and Gunwook was currently in the living room playing Fifa with Ricky. As I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling, practically falling asleep with my eyes open, I suddenly heard Ricky’s voice as whatever conversation they were having continued on and they spoke louder.

“ It’s not serious, Gunwook.”

I was intrigued until my stomach dropped.

“ YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP”

I didn’t wanna hear anymore but it’s not like I had much of a choice, I could put headphones on but the growing anxiety inside me would take them off quickly to hear more.

“ I know, I didn’t forget. “

Gunwook let out a sarcastic laugh.

“ Have you spoken to him about it like I told you ?”

“ No I didn’t.. I haven’t got around to talking to him about that “

He let out another sarcastic laugh

“ You can’t be serious.”

Silence filled the entire apartment and anxiety was ripping me apart. Hearing more of this conversation was bad enough but the silence was probably the worst part.

“ I don’t know what to tell you- It’s not that easy to talk about that-! Do you know Sora ?!”

“ Do YOU know Sora because I don’t think YOU DO AND I DON’T THINK YOU CARE-“

Were the last words exchanged by them before I suddenly heard a bunch of shuffling around, groaning and loud mumbled cuss words.

My body reacted first before my brain could process anything, My feet sprang from the bed onto the floor and ran into the living room to see Gunwook’s hands grabbing a fistful of Ricky’s shirt and Ricky had done the same. They both began to push each other around the living room and without thinking I went to grab Gunwook.

“ Fuck-! Stop- IT !” I groaned loudly as I tried pulling Gunwook away from Ricky, wrapping my arms around his body and within a few seconds I heard more footsteps and other people yelling. I looked up to see Hanbin getting in the middle of the two and Jiwoong who was pulling Ricky away. With the help of the two, I finally was able to pull Gunwook off and get him far from Ricky.

“ I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND WHY DID YOU GRAB HIM AND NOT ME-?!”

Why did I grab Gunwook and not Ricky? Guilt rushed through me for a second before Gunwook shouted

“ SHUT UP AND TELL HIM WHY WE ARE FIGHTING RIGHT NOW”

Yet again, the room was filled with silence. Gunwook looked over at me and grabbed my arms delicately that were still wrapped around him, tense and shaking from anxiety and pulled me off of him softly.

“ You were listening, right? “

I nodded my head in response, I couldn’t respond verbally from the anxiety coursing through my veins.

“ When did you start start listening ?”

I looked around the room and kept my eyes mainly on the floor, avoiding all eye contact at cost.

“ When you raised your voice the first time “

Gunwook patted my shoulder and pulled me to his side

“ Well I knew that.. but I didn’t know if Ricky knew that-“

“ You heard that ..?” Ricky said as I finally looked up and made eye contact with him and he looked like it was game over.

“ What’s fucking going on? “ Hanbin spoke out, confused like the rest of us were, besides Gunwook who knew.

“ Yeah.. what’s going on? I just want to know what’s happening..” I added onto what Hanbin said and looked at both Gunwook and Ricky.

“ Look..” Ricky spoke out as he looked down, fidgeting with his hands. My eyes fixated on his hands, he was anxious now.

“ It’s not you-“

This isn’t happening.

“ I’m not.. for relationships.... I’m used to doing things with people but nothing serious, I’ve.. been flirting with other people and talking to people..” Ricky stated, not making eye contact with anybody.

This isn’t serious. This isn’t happening.

My mouth dropped as he spoke more and I watched him. I felt nothing. I wish I could feel nothing. I felt numb. My world was starting to crumble around me and I couldn’t stop it.

I felt Hanbin’s glance over at me as my eyes were fixated on Ricky. Ricky looked up at me for a second with tears in his eyes before looking away again.

“ What.. that’s fucked up, Ricky. That’s not right- that’s wrong-“ Hanbin stated

My vision was blurry as my eyes were filled with tears. My throat started to burn as I fought with everything in me to not burst out into manic sobbing. My chest felt heavy as I began to breathe heavy from the overwhelming mixture of feelings.

“ Why didn’t you tell Sora when you had the fucking chance to ? Why didn’t you do it?” Jiwoong sounded more like he didn’t wanna believe the situation that was unfolding and in complete disbelief.

Silence filled the room as I felt Gunwook’s gaze on me.

“ Are you okay, Sora?” He asked and I snapped back to reality and finally looked away from ricky and looked around at everyone who looked at me, tears racing uncontrollably down my face.

“ I-“ My voice cracked as I began to talk

“ I can’t fucking do this-“ I raised my voice as sobs wanted to began to come out my mouth but I couldn’t, not in front of them, not in front of him.

I ran out the dorms, slamming the door shut behind me and running down the stairs to get the energy drained out of me instead of sitting in the elevator with weight on my shoulders. My sobs echoed through the staircase as I heard running footsteps behind me and Gunwook’s voice echoing behind.

“ Sora wait !”

No. I can’t. I can’t wait. I can’t stop. If I stop I have to deal with everything. I don’t want to, I don’t think I can deal with everything.

I ran through the empty lobby, swinging the front doors open ahead of me and turning the corner into an empty, narrow street. My sobs continued to echo into the night. My body was shaking and I could barely keep up with myself as my legs were shaking below me.

I don’t know what to do. Is all my brain repeated. My brain, my mind, my thoughts, everything was being filled and felt so cramped inside.

I suddenly felt a strong tug and a warm, tight, kinda rough, embrace. I stopped. I froze. My body froze and my cries were silenced for a minute as I stared blankly at the road.

“ Please Sora- stop- I’m here, I’m right here.” I heard Gunwook as he grabbed my waist, turning my body around to face him. My eyes immediately met his and his eyes were filled with tears as he watched me in front of him.

My sobs began again. I fell into his embrace and held onto his body as I began to ramble about everything and anything that was racing through my mind.

Apart of me wishes I never ran out in the first place but I’m human, I reacted to hearing my boyfriend talking to other people. Clips and pictures of me running in the streets crying circulated the internet for days. I got in trouble with my manager for not thinking.

Hanbin came down a few minutes into my depression spiral ramble with Gunwook as we cried together and Gunwook repeatedly telling me

“ You’re perfect, Sora”

“ You did nothing wrong “

I looked over Gunwook’s shoulder and saw Hanbin standing, looking at the both of us. I could tell he felt bad. He walked over to us and leaned in as well, wrapping his arms around me, engulfing me into a hug between the two before he pulled off and tugged me a little to look at him.

“ You didn’t deserve that, not in that way atleast. I’m sorry” Hanbin stated as he held my hands and sighed

“ You didn’t do anything..I..” A sigh left my mouth, I wanted to say it’s okay but it wasn’t okay, I wasn’t okay.

The next morning, I was immediately woken up to Gunwook who looked ready to take on the day.

“ Let’s go- Get up !” He said with a smile on his face as he tugged on my blanket and slapped my bed playfully

“ Why..” I groaned and rolled around in my bed, my eyes feeling heavy from crying the night before.

“ To get breakfast of course, aren’t you hungry?” He said as he sat on my bed next to me.

“ We have food here..?” I grumbled and looked over at him confused as hell.

“ Yes.. but there’s a new cafe around the corner that’s really cute and I think you’d like it, I looked at the menu and it has food you like too” He stated as he tilted his head and swiped his thumb over my half lidded eyes that were barely open.

“ It’ll be a good day..” He said softly

Right.

“ I guess..let’s go i’ll get changed.”

After I got changed and looked presentable to the public eye again. We went to the cafe he mentioned and it was actually a lot better than he made it seem. He took me to many shops and stores that we walked by and dragged me across the city any time a new idea or store popped into mind. After the 7th place I stopped him.

“ Gunwook- Hey- Stop-! Why are you taking me to all these places ?” I asked as I looked at him confused and out of breath as I stopped him while we were mid run to head to a corner shop before it closed.

“ Fuck-.. Because ! I.. I love you and I’ve been in love with you for awhile now and I know the break up just happened, you still like ricky, and you don’t feel anything for me but..” He looked around as he spoke, his face growing red

“ Can we just.. continue this day..?” He asked in a softer tone, finally making eye contact with me.

I couldn’t help or fight off the smile that crept onto my face. I looked down at my hands for a minute, fidgeting with my fingers before nodding and looking up at him as my smile grew wider.

“ Yeah.. Yeah we can..”

Our day continued together into the evening surprisingly. I’m not much for someone who spends their whole day out like that since my battery drains fast and I like being rested at one spot and relaxing but it was fun today.

The rest of the week there was tension with the members and ricky and I felt at fault. I couldn’t do anything about how I felt however because we had to focus on our job. We were finally doing our promotions for ‘ Sweat ‘ and I had to put my attention and focus on it. My job comes first now.

The fans never knew about my relationship with Ricky so of course they never knew about the break up either. Until I told them through plus chat messages , It was vague and brief, I would never put Ricky down that way and put our business public like that.

He’s been my best friend since day one at Boys Planet, for the last year he’s always been at my side. Of course it was obvious especially to ZEROSE that something was wrong with me, I can’t stay away from Ricky. He means so much to me than anybody could ever know, more than words can ever describe. How could I possibly just let this go easily?

I can’t.

I had to let ZEROSE know that something was wrong and that I was dealing with a breakup and that I was fine. No details about ricky or what happened.

My sister was Sakura from LE SSERAFIM so for that whole week, whenever she had time she would come to my dorm and just chill by my side. It was genuinely so comforting to know that I have support. I have my members, I have my sister. They took away the negative feelings that I held.

Hanbin, Matthew, Ricky, Gunwook, were the closest people to me in the group. However, Gunwook has just confessed his feelings towards me and was not hiding it at all while I had Matthew who was more subtle, he made comments every now and then but I never thought much of it. I’m a very oblivious person and don’t notice when these things happen to me until it stops. Zhanghao mentioned to me one day after filming and dance practice that Gunwook and Matthew had a heated discussion in the upstairs dorm the day before. I took note of it but didn’t think too much about it until Matthew started to distance himself from me. Hanbin was the one who told me that he’s heard from Matthew that he has feelings for me but didn’t know how to pursue me due to everything going down with Gunwook and my break up. Everything made sense.

There was just.. a small.. empty feeling in me. Every Time I saw Ricky, which was often. Everytime we filmed and were forced to give fanservice and be cute and act like everything was fine. I wish it was fine. Everytime I went to bed alone at night, my mind went to him. Even though I have Gunwook and Matthew at my side who want me, why can’t my mind stop thinking so much about him.

The next day came by and everyone had schedules or errands to run besides me. I decided to have a chill, wind down day at the dorms by myself. I turned on my favorite show that I watch over and over again, on repeat while I ate my lunch.

“ Hey ! Anybody here ?” I heard Ricky’s voice echo through the apartment suddenly and I sat up quickly.

“ Uh- yeah i’m here !”

Silence filled the air for moment as I heard his footsteps slowly grow louder towards the living room

“ Hey..” He spoke in a soft tone and I nodded my head

“ Hey..” I responded, my heart longed for him as I sit in front of him watching him.

“ Did you need something..?” I asked as he continued to stare at me.

“ Oh- yeah- I forgot my headphones..” He stated as he started to look around the dorm before I pointed to the kitchen

“ It’s on the counter, I saw it this morning” I stated

He grabbed his headphones and stared at them for a minute. I didn’t know what to do or what to say so I pressed play on my show and continued to eat.

“ How are you” He blurted out

I glanced from the tv screen to his face and paused the show.

“ I’m.. okay..” I responded, looking down at my food, fidgeting with my fork

“ How are you?” I felt obligated to ask him back

“ I don’t know” He responded as he bit his bottom for a moment before sighing.

“ What are we, Sora ?” He asked as he walked closer to me, hesitating to sit next to me on the couch so he sat on the floor

“ I don’t know..” I stared down at my food flustered by the sudden question

“ What do you want to be?”

that’s a good question. I glanced at him who stared at me longingly. He stared deep into my eyes as we made eye contact.

I put my food down and sighed, crossing my arms.

“ I.. don’t know..” I said the same answer, biting my lips and fidgeting with my arms.

Silence.

“ What’s going on with you and Gunwook and Matthew?” He stated as he got up from the floor suddenly and my eyes followed him immediately

“ What-? “

He started to pace around the living room, fidgeting and picking at his hands. I got up, hesitating to get close to him but I grabbed his arm. He pulled away gently and looked around

“ Cause-! I’ve been hearing a lot of things around the dorms you know between members and things that they tell me and things the other members tell me- and I know you went on a date with Gunwook the day after we broke up-“ Ricky rambled on and poured out every single thought that was in his mind on the table

“ I didn’t go on a date with Gunwook- that wasn’t a date- that was just.. Gunwook being nice, he confessed but.. I haven’t moved on.. and he knows that”

“ … and matthew?”

“ fuck if I know what’s going on with matthew..but nothing as far as I know..”

I stated with a long sigh, sitting on the couch again. Ricky stood there, biting at his lips and stared at the floor in thought.

He quickly came and sat on the floor next to me.

“ Look- I want you back. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me- the best thing that will ever happen to me- I felt so much for you than I ever have for anyone before and I got freaked out and I went back to what I know and felt safe- I know I didn’t act like it but you are and-.. I know.. I did.. things that are unforgivable- I know! I’ve never been this kind of person before and I hate that I did that to you.” He spoke angrily, but I knew he wasn’t angry at me. He was angry at himself. He looked down at the floor, his eyebrows furrowed in.

“ Ricky-“

“ I love you, Sora.” He spoke out as he looked up into my eyes with confidence.

Those words. That sentence. We’ve never exchanged those words to each other within the time span of our relationship.

My eyes quickly filled up and my cheeks became wet from my tears. He leaned up and held my hand gently, caressing my hand.

The front door opened and I quickly got up from our position and stood there as tears kept falling and Ricky followed, he stood up next to me and I heard footsteps grow louder and a mumble of a conversation. I looked over and my teary eyes met Gunwook’s and his smile faded quickly, Yujin looked at me with a mixture of confusion and shock.

Gunwook quickly went over to my side and grew upset to see me cry while Ricky was there.

“ You finally came to fucking talk to Sora and you make him cry ?” Gunwook stated as he looked at Ricky who rolled his eyes

“ It’s fine- It’s not like that-“ I stopped Gunwook and patted his shoulder, He looked over at me confused, his eyes softened and his eyebrows went upwards worriedly. I knew what he was trying to ask with his facial expressions.

“ I’m okay.. I promise “ I responded. He nodded slowly and sat down on the couch carefully behind me.

I wiped my tears and sighed

“ I need to think- I need you to go Ricky..”

I knew what my answer was but I couldn’t talk about it in front of Gunwook right now and I needed other opinions on this.

“ I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry..” He stated as he rubbed the back of his neck and looked down

“ You should go, I think Sora wants to be alone they said.” Yujin said as Ricky listened and headed out.

“ Are you okay?” Yujin asked and I nodded my head in response and sighed, sitting on the couch next to Gunwook.

“ What happened ?” Gunwook asked as he looked over at me and I shook my head

“ I don’t wanna talk about it right now..”

And I didn’t. It was quiet for a few minutes until Gunwook pressed play on the tv again and the room was no longer quiet as we all sat together on the couch and talked and ate until everyone else came home.

Hanbin arrived after Jiwoong and laughed as he saw me on the couch.

“ You look like you need to talk to someone?” He said with giggles following after and I laughed along with him standing up

“ Yeah I do actually”

He motioned his head to his room and I followed behind him.

“ Tell me everything, what happened.” Hanbin stated as he took a seat on his bed and I sat next to him, leaning against the wall

A long sigh left my mouth.

“ Ricky-“

“ Ricky came over ?!” Hanbin gasped and hismouth dropped. I laughed and nodded my head.

He fixed his posture and faced me 100%

“ What did he do? “

“ He said he left his headphones here-“

“ They’ve been there for a month- before you guys even broke up-“ His eyes widened suddenly and he started to clap his hands before he snapped his fingers

“ He wanted an excuse to come over and talk to you !” He exclaimed and I clapped my hands repeatedly as we connected the puzzle pieces

“ I know that’s what I was thinking too as soon as I heard his voice when he came in the dorms ! Anyways though- after he asked for them he started asking me all these questions- first he asked how I was and quickly started to ask about us “

Hanbin listened closely, he kept eye contact the whole time and had his hand on my lap innocently.

“ Then.. he said.. He wants me back.. he said he was sorry about everything and that i’m everything he’s ever wanted and I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and that he felt so much for me that it made him scared and freaked out so he went back to what he knows and what’s safe and flirted with other people but he knows what he did isn’t good and wasn’t asking for forgiveness from me”

Silence, Hanbin just continued to look at me and wait for what I would say next

“ Nothing ?” I asked him and Hanbin tilted his head to the side

“ It’s not up to me to decide what you want between you and him”

I rolled my eyes playfully and groaned

“ I know that but I need help, I feel dumb for still wanting him-“

“ You’re not dumb for that”

“ I know I have Gunwook AND Matthew who want me but I can’t stop thinking about Ricky- It’s always ricky and it always has been ricky, it’s never been anyone else. “

Hanbin nodded his head and looked down for a minute before looking back at me

“ It’s cool that ricky came by and finally spoke to you properly but you need to figure out and really think if you want him back or not. If you want him back you need to think about what you want from him too and communicate that to him.” Hanbin stated as he got up from the bed and took his shirt off, finding his pajamas he was going to wear that night

“ .. yeah.. I know..” I said before getting up from his bed

“ I told him i’ll think about it and he left so, I’ll see“

“ Good- Have u ate dinner I was gonna get some delivery” Hanbin said as he opened his door and we stood in the hallway talking

After he showered. ate together with everyone in our dorms ( Yujin, Gunwook, Hanbin, Jiwoong and I), I went to bed.

The following morning I woke up and was met with Yujin swinging my door open. He quickly came to my bed side threw the blankets off my body.

“ You have to come to the kitchen”

I groaned and rolled over, covering my eyes. I’m not a morning person if it isn’t obvious from before.

“ Why.. I don’t trust you”

Hanbin’s laugh could be heard from the living room as he entered my room as well

“ Sora, really, you have to come in here “

He said as he came to my bedside and grabbed my hands, getting me onto my feet and out of bed. I sighed and followed them out the bedroom door and my eyes were immediately met with him.

Ricky was cooking in the kitchen. I blinked a few times and rubbed my eyes.

“ you’re making breakfast..?” I asked tiredly and he quickly whipped his head around and nodded, his face quickly growing red and he looked back at what he was making.

“ I didn’t know you were ACTUALLY awake, I remember.. you.. like waffles versus pancakes right?” He questioned and I nodded my head slowly making my way into the kitchen

“ He also stocked our fridge and freezer of stuff you like” Hanbin nudged Ricky’s side before leaving the kitchen and watched from the living room

I quickly opened the fridge to find my favorite vanilla yogurt, strawberries, green grapes, everything filled with things I was actually going to get at the store today. My jaw dropped

“ I also got stuff for you in the pantry..” Ricky said shyly avoiding eye contact with me

I quickly went over to the pantry to make sure he was telling the truth and he was. I smiled and laughed in shock, looking over at him.

I slowly walked over to his side and looked down at the food he was making and then back into his eyes

“ but why..” I asked, never looking away from his eyes

“ Because.” He stated as he looked at me into my eyes finally, his eyes looked at me with a soft gaze, looking into each eye for a moment and looking at my face before speaking again

“ Because I meant everything I said to you yesterday. You said you were going to think about it and I’m sure.. you’re.. nervous.. for good reason.. but I want to show you that I’m here.. that.. it wasn’t just words..” He went on, he bit his lip before continuing

“ I was scared before but I’m here. I want you, I want all of you. Nothing but you. I’ll do anything to show you that-“

I leaned in and grabbed his wrist softly

“ I want you. I want you too. I wanted you this whole time- I never stopped wanting you for a second.”

I stated as I looked into his eyes as he relaxed, he smiled widely and wrapped his arms around my body, pulling me close to his body as he rested his head onto my shoulder and into the nook of neck. He left out sigh causing me to shiver and he giggled against me.

It felt good to feel him again. The emptiness feeling in me was gone and he was here.

[milfygerard]

Not to tell you how to run your own blog but I loved the discussions full of nuance and would love to see them more often. But also on the other hand I know people who did that often enough that they ended up a target of hate too. Apologies for sending the super chaotic album analysis ask, I was running on fumes too, it was 5am and I hadn't gone to bed yet. The winter months come and I always have trouble waking up before the sun sets, and falling asleep before the sunrise.

Anyway I am not diagnosed with anything, never really could be with where I am, even more so as a woman (we don't even have ADHD meds, those with a diagnosis travel abroad just to buy them) but I have an inkling I might be ND because of many factors but mainly due to feeling like I'm an alien my entire life which no one seems to understand. I've thought about going abroad to get a diagnosis and then I read about what they were doing to ND people during covid and I went fuck that I'll stay wondering and alive. As for Taylor I think the biggest pointer for me was seeing her directing Me! and saying she needs to do less "dead face" or whatever she called it when looking at the footage. I went, oh I know that, it's the thing I also tell myself to do when surrounded by people. Later on I learned why that might be a thing I do lmaooo

the absolute dread i felt getting this anon notif like oh no...it begins

I appreciate the very valid concerns, ive seen how swifties can react to and treat blogs that post too much about subjects they don't like or see as valid. I also have mutuals ive seen get on the wrong end of swiftie harassment and it definitely seems overwhelming at the very least. I have a bit of luck/disguise on my end because ive kind of deduced that swifties seem to not care too much about me if they arent mutuals bc i am not technically a swiftie blog. She's definitely the special interest ive been talking about the most, but I don't post about her solely, I don't have her as my icon or in my url (girard <3) or mentioned anywhere that i'm a swift enjoyer except for me tagging her posts for mutuals who don't wanna see it. My actual posts that I write about her rarely get a Ton of notes and i make them pretty sparsely while also talking about and reblogging a ton of other random shit. I think this helps lessen the likeliness that I'll get someone who like...obsessively reads my blog to point out how stupid dumb and stupid my takes are and get attached to me in like a lolcow sense of trying to provoke me into arguing or entertaining them. If i do start getting some of that, I'll probably just turn off anon and asks for awhile and eventually theyll forget I exist or maybe even block me, imagine that <3

For the second part, I do encourage you to look into whatever neurodivergencies you think you may have even if a literal doctors diagnosis isnt a possibility! Part of the reason im pretty comfortable with tossing around words like autism is because I don't see professional diagnosis as a be all end all, nor do I think its bad to give yourself a "wrong" diagnosis while trying to understand yourself. Even if you don't end up identifying with autistm, I think being around autistic circles and learning about coping mechanisms and thought processes for other neurodivergencies can be so helpful for understanding yourself and your brain, and can bring really helpful. Like, I don't personally have DID or severe psychosis but talking to and reading write ups from mutuals has let me learn about them as like mundane mental health issues/NDs that anyone could have as well as issues i have had in the past with mild hallucinations or conceptions of personality. Most mental illnesses and NDs are treated very strangely and cruelly in general society and are considered aberrant or inherently bad or painful, but these are normal and often neutral (or positive! Which is often ignored or not considered) aspects of peoples lives.

If you are curious about self diagnosis, the most reliable and popular test online is the RAADS-R questionnaire which theres a great version of on embrace autism which i also definitely recommend scrolling through. They also have interesting articles, alternate tests and articles and tests for other neurodivergencies like OCD, which really opened my eyes to the likeliness that I've been suffering with undiagnosed OCD for pretty much my entire life. Theres also an autism forum if you want a broader spread of information and advice that might not be immediately accessible to you. I didnt touch on taylor much in this response (the dead face thing is extremely real, that and her talking about deciding to make the blood in anti hero purple glitter glue because she doesnt feel like a real normal human being in that directors on directors interview) but I do hope the other stuff is helpful and not too rambly <3 autism forever

[shirogane-oushirou]

OMG RENNIVERSAY???? HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AGAIN YAYYYY GUSH PASS IF U WANT HEHE 🎫🎫🎫

😭💕💕💕 THANK YOU NIIICK!!!!!!! for both the oushiversary and the renniversary (and honestly all of the time), your tags on rbs make me so giddy and emotional and i'm always so thankful ;w; wah.

i have a hard time expressing just how much ren has done for me this past year so... it's rambling time ksjdnfjk...

[pet death mention] my baby boy cyrus had lost his battle with cancer just a week prior to The Dream. i won't ramble about him here, but he was my biggest support when home life got fuck-y; losing him was like losing a part of myself. [/pet death mention end]

unfortunately i didn't have much to focus on afterward... i was trying to keep busy, but the art parties i'd been attending went on a long hiatus shortly after this, and while i TRIED vrc for a bit i found The Social Anxiety meant it wasn't the best choice for me ;;

and then i had this long, cinematic dream, about befriending and getting flirty with a dorky, fruity scientist from the c.dc (lol. lmao. i would NEVER!!!!! that's the very first thing i changed about him KJASNDKJN) who was fun and goofy and was so so loving to his niece who followed him around everywhere ;w;

and then he did a little villain heel-turn after being infected by a sentient parasite (also lol. lmao. my brain trying to bully me and make me feel bad... but it does it in the form of a cute bisexual man? 🥴). and of COURSE when his niece and i acted afraid of him he did the whole "i'll destroy everyone powerful in this city. and i won't let anyone or anything harm you." thing and i just OOUGHHHH. there's more to it than that, and i don't want to ramble TOO much, but he was so clearly twisted-justice-but-loves-people-so-hard core. that's the good shit ughhh.

and so! according to the document timestamp, i woke up at 5:45am, opened my ipad, went into procreate, and went to town scribbling down a vague idea of his face and mannerisms before passing out again. i KNEW i didn't want to forget this guy; i immediately felt he was special. most of my ocs come from dreams in some form, but he was already almost fully formed. The Ideal. To Me...

and when i woke up for real, i spent the day nailing down his design. and i was Officially Doomed from then on u_u

he's changed SO MUCH in the past year (just the fact that i had to revive his supernatural villain form as a separate AU a few months ago is proof of that KJANSDKJN)... as have i. he gave me someone to focus on as i healed, a reason to continue drawing in spite of the aforementioned art party hiatus, pushed me to join the selfship community For Real, lead to me meeting so many people and making so many friends outside of my teeny tiny a-couple of-friends-from-college circle, helped me appreciate the oc creation process and AUs so much more, pushed me to do monthly art challenges that i haven't done since before i fell ill...

and just... made me love myself more. made me appreciate the things i didn't like about myself. helped me realize the potential of selfshipping in general, to be a tool to see oneself as deserving of love, even if it takes making a fictional character play messenger between the self-doubt and self-acceptance bits of your brain.

i likely would have just stayed in my own little corner -- my quiet little oushirou blog that i didn't have linked anywhere, chatting in stream chats but not talking to any chatters outside of that -- if not for ren. i've met so many people who have similar struggles! different struggles! similar and completely different interests! gone completely outside of my comfort zone and found such a good circle of people who uplift each other!! HELL, my art blog has multiple times the followers as i have here, but they only ever interacted with my umi.neko art LMAO -- here it feels like we all want to support each others' art and writing and other creations and rambles and and and.

and it's because ren gave me a reason to make that step. start tagging things, start following people and reaching out, chatting with people who reached out to me... he's genuinely changed my life for the better. ;w; i don't think i'll ever be able to express just how thankful i am that he came to me at the exact moment i needed him most. i love him so so much rghhhrgh. gripping him in my fist and kissing him all over his face forever and ever. 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

[novelcain]

Okay so I've barely started reading but I just feel like mentioning something

Do any of you guys know how long falling feels?

So I tried out dive, right? Our coaches let us have "free time" after practice, and a friend took me to jump off the five meter (16.4 feet). I was super excited going up, I'm always itching for a new experience, and even when I looked down it didn't feel that far.

My first issue was actually stepping off. You portrayed it really well—even if you aren't afraid, your body is. I was fine looking down, but once we actually got ready to jump—I couldn't for a second. The only reason I did was because my friend counted us off and I didn't want to be a pansy.

When I actually jumped... I just fell forever. You're only in the air for about a second or less, if you look it up. People fall so quickly. But when you're in the air, just falling, you feel suspended there for minutes. For me when I was falling, even though it was literally less than a second, I thought it was at least 5.

When I was falling, I didn't even realize how long it felt it had been—I think I was halfway down when I started to think "I should've hit the water by now," and then another second passed—somehow feeling wind whip at my legs despite the relatively short drop—before I started to panic, just a little, and ask "why haven't I hit the water yet?" And then another second passed before I hit the water.

It's actually incredibly interesting how you both feel like everything is going x20 slower than it is, and yet simultaneously, everything is happening at once. Your brain slows down to process everything, yet you still know how fast you're going.

Isn't that so cool?!?! I love the human mind, omfl

Bro this such a fascinating human respounce to me. Like I always forget how long falling feels,

Like i know it's just our brains trying to give us time to come up with survival solutions but it's still wild what a lil bit of pure adrenaline can do for your response time and time perception as well. :D

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

I've had this moment of realization some weeks ago, after I watched Red, White & Royal Blue. I even wrote a bit here and I focused on the genre, on chemistry, the film as an adaption. And then I stumbled on some review or think piece which had its central thesis based on the fact that this film is just another US/Royal imperialist propaganda, wrapped up nicely as a rom-com. And I was dumbfounded because why didn't that thought cross my mind instantly? Of course the ideological frame of analysis is but one, but it's still important. Me from a few years ago would know it. Me from today had to read it someplace else. Around that same time, I saw a teaser for an experimental film on Mubi in which the narrator talked about physical and imaginary borders. And again that terminology made me think of the times in which I could so easily talk about and use concepts related to borders, displacement, belonging, otherness, imperialism/colonialism, all critical paradigms that have now left my vocabulary.

Of course that as years went by, my research focus had shifted as I worked more and more in the area of gender identity (especially women in cinema) and then forms of masculinity (because of Jimin, which is something I haven't told before). And that led to becoming familiar with another set of concepts and adopting a terminology which I had to chance to use it in my posts here on tumblr a lot more than in my academic research in the past 3-4 years.

But what I wanted to say was that when I realized I was blind to the ideology in some Hollywood movie, I felt stupid. I felt like I regressed so much, compared to 22-23 year old me who could so easily juggle with those notions. Where has it gone? Did it disappear completely? Maybe not. I can bring that side of my brain back to life if I only go through some articles briefly. But it doesn't take away the fact that I had lived that moment of realization.

And now that I have distanced myself from the "institution", what's left? Will all my knowledge be stored in some part of my brain and I will forget about it as I move on and do other stuff? Why do I consider that specific type of knowledge as the only smart and relevant component?

And what about fatigue and apathy? And what about those concepts and ideas which belonged to people who no longer have a place, but their presence still lingers because I have assimilated their ideas? Years later and I still believe and use words and concepts that were not initially mine, but I can't get rid of them because I made them mine in the process?

There's always been this inner conflict as to what's the purpose of research. I don't know which is my voice and which is the other one with more power and influence. Do I think that having my name published is the ultimate purpose? I used to (I was being told), but when it happened, I felt no joy. I felt more relieved that it was finally over after months and years of work.

But then I stay up for days and I do stuff on my own and I finally write essays with no outside pressure and I come and post them here. And in those moments I'm happy. I'm also happy not for the likes and reblogs, but when I see other people commenting or sending asks in which they share their thoughts. And no one knows who I am and I don't get any recognition and none if it goes into some portfolio. And I'm happy. And then I get reminded that I was told about the democratization of research as well, of how it should reach more people, instead of getting locked up behind paywalls and that sharing the knowledge is the most important thing. And I believed it 10 years ago and I believe it now. And then I have to be confronted with the fact that such type of writing doesn't really have a place in a fandom that places a lot more stock on other type of participation.

Contradictory ideas coming from the same source which are fighting in my brain. And are part of me, whether I like it or not.

[amadeusgame]

September Devlog: Full Episode 1 Design Finalized

Per last month's devlog, this month's primary task was to finish the narrative outline and complete game design document for the full Episode 1 release. And I'm happy to announce that this is done, I have a concrete vision to follow, and now it's a matter of ticking off boxes on the to-do list until this thang is RELEASED. I'm getting REALLY excited about this project, and feeling like it is becoming more and more tangible.

Some quick updates before getting into the details:

I'm sure you all heard the kerfuffle about Unity; I've discussed where I'm currently at on the Tumblr blog here.

I went to PAX West (and the Seattle Indies Expo) and talked to a ton of indie devs! I wrote about a lot of upcoming indie games on the Tumblr blog here.

As always check the linktree (https://linktr.ee/amadeusgame) for all resources related to Amadeus. Most frequently updated are the Tumblr blog and Discord server, but these itch.io devlogs will continue monthly as well.

And now, for this month's updates. 

TL;DR--

PAX West & Seattle Indies Expo: more details on these events, specifically how much it helped me as a solo dev meeting and talking with other solo devs.

New Mechanics Envisioned: made a new paper prototype & sought playtester feedback to determine final control scheme vision.

Finishing the Narrative Outline: process for sitting down and mapping out the full Episode 1 narrative to guide the GDD

Completing the Game Design Document: process for taking the new mechanics & full narrative to fully outline the design for Episode 1

Recreation: media I engaged with this month for fun and inspiration!

Details below for those interested.

PAX West & Seattle Indies Expo

This was my first time attending PAX, and it was incredibly valuable. The Seattle Indies Expo (an adjacent, and completely free, event) in particular was fantastic, because I got to have really in-depth, one-on-one conversations with a lot of other small developers. So many of us are working on passion projects in our spare time, and wearing 20 different hats - from music composition to coding to project management to marketing - while also doing something else to pay the bills. So it felt very grounding to have honest discussions with so many other people who are all in the same boat. It also helped to find that a couple other developers came to the same answers I did on certain topics (virtually all of us are in agreement that you absolutely have to have deadlines that you take seriously, or you will never finish...), and one of the developers I spoke with mentioned something really helpful: that if you only have 1-2 hours to work on your game a week, decide EXACTLY WHAT you will work on in that time slot beforehand, so you've already started dedicating brain energy to the topic before the time comes.

I met a handful of developers who I'm likely to keep in touch with for the foreseeable future. It was a fantastic opportunity. Those of us out here making niche little passion projects really do feel the passion coming from each other. Gotta find your people and support each other!

I'll go ahead and plug my Amadeus blog Tumblr post on the subject again, because I'm also genuinely excited about a lot of these games: 10 Upcoming Indie Games to check out!

New Mechanics Envisioned

Never forget that busting out the sticky notes/scratch paper is an essential step in game design & development.

One of the major roadblocks I faced last month standing between me and finishing my GDD was that I knew I needed to rework the main interaction mechanic. I liked that it was WASD/point-and-click interchangeable, but it felt very unpolished. So one of my first tasks for this month was to figure out what, exactly, my vision for a polished interaction mechanic was. To do that, I revisited the very first step of game development, and made a paper prototype.

In doing this, I was able to identify the biggest source of my problem: I really like that you can control Amadeus - and not just a cursor, but this makes it impossible to interact with things that he can't get to (like looking at things in the sky). This is kind of at odds with the control scheme that seems most natural for the genre.

The central source of my problem was this:

The most straightforward control scheme for my game seemed to be point-and-click, where you don't have an actor you control but just directly interact with environments.

However; point-and-click mechanics are very hard on my wrists (because I have massively screwed up wrists), and I want to make a game that I can play comfortably - and for thematic reasons, this is all the more important!

Moreover; I just really like controlling a little guy and walking around as him.

I have come up with a solution that I think works well, at least on paper. One of my big goals this month is to prototype it in-engine, and hopefully get it in front of playtesters soon. The good news is that I got a lot of feedback from playtesters that the hybrid control scheme was a plus, and almost nobody used exclusively WASD or exclusively point-and-click, which tells me that my "utilize both" design philosophy feels right. Now I just need to polish it.

My goal is still to have a rebuilt demo, containing more or less the same content as the existing demo (unless...? but let's not get our hopes up too high!) with the new mechanics and control scheme, out this Winter. So far, still on track for that!

Finishing the Narrative Outline

THIS was truly the largest obstacle between me and a complete GDD. It is not possible to list out all assets needed in a game if you don't have a list of every scene in the game, and you can't have a list of every scene in the game without a complete narrative outline. Making the demo was easy in this respect - I already knew how my story started. I also knew more or less how it would end (or at least, several key climactic events). But there is no catharsis in a climax that lacks a rich, engaging, and well-developed journey to get there. That's the meatiest part of the game, and it's what I did not have.

Truth be told, I don't know whether the journey I am writing counts as rich, engaging, and well-developed. But I've finally made it concrete, and I think it has heart. This process was actually very rewarding, because I found that in asking myself questions (what is CHARACTER doing here, how does EVENT happen) I found really fascinating answers that made the entire story much more interesting than the one I initially set out to write.

I started just by creating a document titled "Episode 1 Outline" that looked something like this:

Intro

Prologue

Placeholder Scene

Placeholder Scene

Placeholder Scene

Climax

Outro

The reason I was actually able to get from that to a complete outline in less than a month is because, while it didn't really feel like it, I actually did a lot of "writing" last month. I spent the whole month watching a ton of werewolf movies and taking scribbled notes in my Amadeus brainstorming notebook, so I had a huge pool of ideas that were already swimming around in my head. This month's task wasn't to write a story I had no ideas about, it was to finally draw from all of my ideas and refine/organize them to a manageable and logical format.

Most importantly, I gave myself a deadline to finish this outline, and so the day of that deadline I sat down and looked at my intro, my climax and just thought of the "path of least resistance" to get from point A to point B that flowed well and made sense. The resulting outline is much, much shorter than I had initially envisioned (I had some utter delusions of an Umineko-length monstrosity of an introductory episode) - but it works, it tells the full story, and it's complete. And, as will be discussed in the next section, even this relatively "short" episode has so much to it that if it were any longer there's almost no way I would finish it on time.

I still don't have every single detail mapped out at this stage. That much was true for the demo as well. Many aspects of the story wrote themselves by building the game and the necessity of flavor text, signposting, etc.; so I'm leaving room for that. It is just specific enough that I know exactly what assets to make for it, and I know the purpose of each scene. This lets me write early scenes setting up to payoff in later scenes more effectively. I think it should be a good length to be engaging for the player while still letting me give it some polish. :)

Completing the Game Design Document

This was the big thing I needed to accomplish this month. I actually made solid progress on this last month, but I was unable to finish it because I didn't have a definite narrative outline, list of scenes, or finalized control scheme. Once I had these from my work this month, I was able to sit down and finish this document.

I want nothing more in the world than to share this document, because seeing it complete feels like such a massive victory. It shows that I know exactly what I'm doing and that I have solid direction for the development of Amadeus. It proves that this game is getting made. It's even color-coded!! Unfortunately, it contains absolutely GINORMOUS spoilers not just for Episode 1 but for Episodes 3, 4, and 5, which won't be out for years. So you'll just have to take my word for it.

The "Level Planning" and "Rule List" sections of this document needed the most attention, but they are also some of the most valuable for directing the full game's development.  

For the Level Planning aspect, I broke the scenes from my narrative outline down by gameplay type (point-and-click, pure dialogue, puzzle/other) and, in doing so, I found that I gave myself additional ideas for some things I wasn't sure about. Thinking about the narrative in a different way, by breaking it down into gameplay concepts, helped me make certain storytelling decisions and continue fleshing out additional narrative details. This is why I was OK leaving some things vague in my outline - I knew other aspects of development would help me fill in the blanks.

Creating the Rule List is something that, in a way, is helpful as a form of "pre-coding." It forced me to put some thought into how I will actually implement the mechanics I have been brainstorming and prototyping. I already have some ideas, and I already know at least a few edge cases/problems that are going to arise--but that means when it comes time to sit down and actually script things out, I won't be starting from scratch. I've already dedicated brainpower to considering the problem! It'll make it way easier to actually DO, since I've done the first step already.

I know I am repeating myself a lot here, but it keeps coming up because it's important. Putting thought into something before you sit down to "do" it makes it SO much easier to actually do it when that time comes. This entire month has been effectively just that for the whole game: in making this GDD, I have put thought into every aspect of the game's development, so now that I can focus on making it, it's going to be so much easier. I already know where I'm going! What a weight off of my shoulders!!

The last thing I needed to flesh out in the GDD were my asset lists and screen mockups, which there isn't much to say about that can't be inferred from the title. I'll include the mockup for a new menu/settings screen I need to create though to tease some features I hope to implement:

I also included some (annotated) screenshots of the demo to remind myself what the game actually looks like with nicely drawn assets and not mockup scribbles...

Recreation

As with last month, I want to take some time to discuss media I've engaged with this month. This is for two reasons. First, I genuinely believe that it is impossible to create good art without engaging with other art. Second, talking about media I enjoy will probably give you a feel for my tastes, which may or may not inform how likely you are to enjoy the game I'm making. Although the best measure for that is still just playing the demo and seeing for yourself!

This month I spent the majority of my time playing Castlevania: Symphony of the Night with my roommate. Truthfully, I did not actually expect this to be relevant to Amadeus in any way because the genre is completely different. But I've never been happier to be wrong! The Halloween-y vibes are of course relevant as I am writing about werewolves, but I was also just so inspired by several really brilliant game design choices. This game features something that I like to call "style AS substance," and that is exactly what I want to convey in my own game. I also got a fantastic idea for something I've been brainstorming for Episode 3 thanks to this game, but I can't elaborate on that any further at this time.

Anyway, it was a fantastic game, and also fantastic inspiration. 10/10 would recommend to friends.

That's all for this month! There will be another devlog at the end of November, and now that the GDD is done, there should be a lot of development progress in that one. In the meantime, you can always bookmark the Linktree and check back for new resources.

[sincelastsession]

Joshua that number I left for my past EMDR therapist is the only way I've gotten in touch with her. I did request my records, she said she'd send them. They weren't delivered ever. I really really do want to get my files from her I am entitled to a copy via state law. It contains a fuck ton about me that I really feel will help because the sheer amount of traumas to bring up again is going to jar me trying to list em out. I feel like it'll definitely assist you on my treatment plan greatly because we did A LOT.

I assume that there's a place files of this nature are supposed to go?

I assume you would know who to call to help me secure them? Or perhaps we could find out. Even if you don't want to use them...I would very much like a copy of her files on me.

I can sign paperwork for you next session for you to get my files if I haven't and idk who else you'd like to talk to or option to chat with other than psychiatrist and primary care but I'll sign documents with them.

I think she still has a profile on psychology today and email...but the text number I left has been my only way to catch her...

I don't want to be nasty but if she can't produce my files I will call a lawyer. Because yes they'll be great for therapy but I asked a while back.

I'm going to send an image of your card to her and request she leave a voice-mail or talk to Chelsea so we can get that done.

It's just BOTHERING me.

I do understand your treatment style us very different.

Also fuck Robyn. I got so much "feedback" to say about her. She takes literal young men and women who are struggling and honestly I see those patients struggling more with thier gender identity and transitioning. I don't think she's safe for LGBTQA+ folks. That's imo something that should be between a psychiatrist and endo foremost before hitting therapy. Like ive spoken to mine about it and we have different views but now that I have I can open up abt that. Like she invited a client to her home. I feel she pushed a bi male into transitioning and imo the trans ppl I know are happy and she doesn't seem happy now at all. She told me to break up with my now ex and treated me like a liar and literally sessions with her felt like interrogation and SUPER judgy and she was VERY FAKE with my parents who were ofc putting on a show for her.

I cannot begin to explain how well my parents are at manipulating therapists and turning it into everything being on me and as soon as I say something in response or try to blow their cover it's WILD because the one thing they don't realize they do is thier facial expressions. They'll either over mask or forget to do it. They always trip up.

Mom likes to play victim and very clueless kind. Dad does this in a different manner, he's subject to get pissed and walk out or raise his voice unless he's gonna act right because you're not a woman.

The weirdest part of having been raised by these people. The way I've studied them since childhood to please them. They adapt and use therapy against me. They don't remember what they've said or done. They seem put out by me telling them "hey what you did was fuckin wrong and yeah I've brought it up before and you shut down and we never settled it" then they'll be like "you just love to hold grudges" etc... but it's not that. I'd like to process it all or what I can. The reason it comes up over and over is because it's not going into memories to be forgotten in my brain. It's just hanging out in the fuckin trauma bay. Like a packed ER.

I am open to whatever type of family therapy is beneficial. Often times my dad is nasty to my mom when she's calling or texting about me. I don't think she deserves any bullshit if she's just relaying a message.

Like they got divorced and still fight like idiot assholes.

She left and I had a fucked up back and was a stoner and kept to myself because my father treated me like a partner to abuse and daughter to control and there's a ton of emotional incest. Dad also talks to young ppl online and what I saw years ago looked like grooming behavior and poor pity me with women of age I hope but still younger than me. Probably because many older men try to influence young women and never emotionally mature correctly and actually accept their age. I remember him on dating sites complaining about how ugly certain women were whose profiles imo were quite lovely and impressive. He acts sorta like an incel.

My sister you'll probably see straight through. She's an actress.

I do want to see with a few sessions if it may be possible to salvage anything with any of them.

What's upsetting is that though I have a poor sense of self...they don't really know me or seem to want to know me.

My psychiatrist thinks it's due to me not being healthy and also that I'm not married and doing the "normal" thing so there's resentment.

Since NONE of them listen to anything I have to say because they're all under the impression I'm trying to control them based on well nothing other than I'm gonna guess THE PAST.

They think I'm frantic. They haven't really read anything about what I deal with. They don't listen to listen. They listen to reply and they cherry pick and twist things I say to mean things they don't.

I don't know how to have a conversation with any of them without them exploding. My dad and mom have literally put me on speaker and walked off and my sister idfk last time I tried to speak to her she was FADED and I hung up.

They all have excuses.

It hurts that they won't accept and educate themselves like my friends do. It's not hard.

I fear they are both VERY mentally unwell and I'd really like to hear what you think.

I do have audio I keep forgetting to show you. I feel it's important and it will give you an idea of what a "light" encounter with them both while having a fucked up back and asking for help because I couldn't do laundry on my own sounds like. I recorded it because it'd already been happening that day and they do the narccistic tornado and I wanted to make sure my words weren't twisted more.

I wish I had more recorded. It's wild.

I'm concerned my dad is fucking with Piper's head but she's already a shitshow (I love my sister but I'm gonna fuss about her crap still)

I feel like I'm playing Squid Games and talking to any of them is a test.

My dad has told me to kill myself and to die and he's left me alone in the hospital after relieving my mom where I was then abused and left in a waiting room with a dead phone and no way to go pee for HOURS because my back was out.

We almost sued OLOL for the maltreatment.

This is not the first time I've been left alone in a hospital and abused.

People think I'm a hypochondriac but I just have a special interest in medical. I grew up in medical environments. Knowing as much as I can retain has kept me safe from further misdiagnosis and malpractice bullshit. I wish I could actually just gent sent to a mayo clinic or idk one of the big hospitals where they use diagnosticians and run you through the gambit.

I know it's not a thing unless ppl are very sick. I mean it was traumatic as a child to be put in NIH testing for a Dermatomyositis study. I don't remember meeting other kids. I just met Ted Kennedy one day while I was playing waiting on another test. It was scary being like 8 and seeing secret service fill a room and guard a door so he could have a photo with me. He did talk to me a ton and I really don't remember what he said. My parents were thrilled and I'm sure there's a cat piss stained picture somewhere.

Did you know that my sister and dad just threw a ton of my things away and donated or tossed most of my books. I had a massive bookshelf. Now it's covered with things that are mine and shit my sister used to make her room aesthetic without asking me.

It has always been hard to go home and get anything from her. I really just want to take everything that was or is mine. Things I gave her and things she stole.

I don't think she realizes I have 2yrs to file a report on the assault and I could take her to court for emotional distress too and probably more.

I've never gotten justice for any of the things that have happened to me.

I wish I could just send all thier asses to prison but they wouldn't survive.

They all think I won't do anything. That's been taunted at me.

They have no clue. They have no clue what they created and they have no clue what goes on in my head.

Sometimes I think that there's something supernatural at play.

I believe in those sorts of things. I don't talk about it much enthusiastically because ofc people like to shit on it.

I know most of the things that haven't been proven by science will eventually be.

I know that also it does exist. Our govt wouldn't have done studies to use ppl with ability for war purposes.

I know a lot of cold reading is fueled by trauma. I don't like to cold read. I think people who sell cold reads etc are just very good at telling others what they want to hear...or they're so desperate they will truly take advice.

When I read things come through and there's this process. It's mind's eye where pictures and words come through. Then I just ask about what I see or deliver whatever messages. I was pushed out of a group that was threatened by my reading. They were threatened because they are frauds. If a message doesn't make sense for someone then I tell them to just take what makes sense. It's often like a crowded room when I read for people. It's been a while since I tried beyond simple shit. I've scared the crap out of friends holding thier hand and reading them. Because they never told me about the people I relayed messages. I didn't just guess. I opened myself up to it and flooded in.

Sometimes I want to get Reiki certification so I can just do that for ppl. I was told by a master that I was a natural energy worker. I was told by native shamans that I was a gatekeeper. My grandmothers had thier little superstitious practices.

This is the part you'll probably want to ask more about if I haven't talked abt it. I've exorcized a demonic or spiritual entity out of a person before. There's no way to prove it. I know what I saw and heard. I wasn't high.

It makes me wonder how many cases are actually supernatural and how many are actually just mental illness.

Also it's been driving me insane Joshua but I know you somehow outside of therapy. I do wonder if we've just been at the same place at the same time more than once and that's why I remember your face or if we have many mutual ppl. This is a big city small town so who knows. I hope it doesn't fuck up th Or you have a doppelganger 🤷🏻‍♀️

Idk.

I think one reason ppl think me and Travis would be a pair is because he's just a really kind good person. This extends beyond me and to others he knows. His family really is picturesque. They are excellent people. He will make someone incredibly happy one day. I am really bothered by people passing him over. He's actually looking for a therapist. I wouldn't be bothered if any of my friends saw you as a patient. The whole "oh no we can't do therapy with people you know" thing imo is silly. People in this state all know each other to the point it's just goofy.

My partner called me all excited that he didn't have to work overnight. He called because he was going out and felt bad that he wouldn't get to chat with me and had planned on doing so and had been excited to do so. He actually said "I Love you" more than once and I told him to go have fun. Saying I Love you is difficult for him sometimes. Am I sad I'm not getting to talk to him? Yes. Am I happy he got out of a stressful work night to enjoy time with his buddies or other partner? Yes, why wouldn't I be? I do get sad that I can't be there but it's still better than half the mfers that are just overgrown fuckbois etc that don't even have the emotional maturity to call.

I'm gonna go smoke out, do smol bit of laundry in my travel laundry bucket thing, eat decent food, stay up to an asinine hour, and play Sims4.

Hopefully no dumb bullshit occurs.

I cannot and I'm not the one this evening.

Goodnight

[health-is-wealth1985]

Sharper Focus and Clearer Thinking: My Positive Experience with Fast Brain Booster

While I wouldn't call myself forgetful, I did struggle with occasional brain fog and difficulty concentrating, especially during busy workdays. This lack of focus impacted my productivity and left me feeling mentally sluggish. Seeking a natural way to sharpen my cognitive function, I discovered Fast Brain Booster, a dietary supplement generating a lot of buzz online for its focus on supporting mental clarity. The emphasis on natural ingredients and potential benefits for brain function piqued my curiosity.

A Natural Path to Enhanced Cognitive Function

Fast Brain Booster appealed to me because it offered a comprehensive, natural approach to supporting brain health and cognitive function. The formula boasts a blend of vitamins, minerals, and powerful botanical extracts known for their potential benefits in enhancing memory, improving focus, and promoting mental clarity. Ingredients like Vitamin B12, Lion's Mane Mushroom, and Bacopa Monnieri stood out for their ability to support neurotransmitter production, potentially improve cognitive function, and potentially enhance memory consolidation.

The focus on natural ingredients resonated with me, as I wanted to address my cognitive concerns holistically and avoid harsh stimulants. Fast Brain Booster offered a multi-nutrient approach to potentially nourish my brain and support its natural cognitive processes.

The Fast Brain Booster website provided clear information on each ingredient and its role in brain health. They also offered studies and research highlighting the potential effectiveness of these natural components. This transparency and the focus on a natural approach instilled confidence in the product's safety and effectiveness.

Easy to Use and Integrate into My Routine

The convenience of Fast Brain Booster is one of the things I appreciate most. The capsules are easy to swallow and don't require any messy mixing or special storage. The recommended dosage is two capsules daily, which I seamlessly integrated into my morning routine alongside my usual breakfast.

Gradual Improvement and Enhanced Focus

Within a few weeks of taking Fast Brain Booster consistently, I noticed a subtle yet significant improvement in my mental clarity. The brain fog that used to cloud my mornings seemed to dissipate, and I felt more focused and mentally engaged throughout the day. This improvement in focus allowed me to tackle tasks with greater ease and efficiency.

Perhaps the most unexpected benefit was an improvement in my memory recall. Remembering names, deadlines, and details became significantly easier. This enhanced memory function was a welcome change, reducing the mental strain of trying to keep track of everything.

Sustainable Support and a Sharper Mind

Fast Brain Booster offers a natural and sustainable approach to potentially promote brain health, enhance cognitive function, and improve mental clarity. Unlike quick fixes or stimulants with potential side effects, the effects of Fast Brain Booster are gradual and build upon consistent use. This natural supplement has become an essential part of my daily routine, promoting sharper focus, improved memory recall, and a more productive workday.

Important Note: It's crucial to remember that everyone's body reacts differently to supplements. While my experience with Fast Brain Booster has been positive, it's always advisable to consult with your doctor before starting any new supplement regimen, especially if you have a pre-existing medical condition or are taking medication.

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle with a balanced diet, regular exercise, and adequate sleep remains crucial for optimal brain health. However, Fast Brain Booster can be a valuable tool in your journey to a sharper mind, improved focus, and enhanced cognitive function.

A Reliable Partner for Enhanced Focus

Overall, I've been very impressed with Fast Brain Booster. The convenient format, the natural formula, and the noticeable improvement in my mental clarity, focus, and memory have made it a valuable addition to my daily routine. If you're looking for a natural way to support your brain health and achieve sharper cognitive function, I highly recommend giving Fast Brain Booster a try. Remember, maintaining a healthy lifestyle is key, and Fast Brain Booster can be a helpful companion on your path to a sharper mind.pen_sparktunesharemore_vert

[tidyturnip]

Other less romantic but equally real thing - intention and mindfulness matter for cementing memories, but also repetition. You can repeat the memory over and over as often as you want by hearing the song again, which you can do either in your own temporal lobe if you know the song well enough or in your actual ears thanks to the glories of recorded music. I'm sure it's come up in your playlists or someone else's in your presence, YOU! [grabs the screen like kermit] ANYONE READING THIS CAN GO LISTEN TO RAINBOW CONNECTION RIGHT NOW sorry I got distracted

Oh yeah anyway, deciding you were going to remember that moment was the other thing you needed! And you can do that with any old thing.

I can remember one of the first times I wondered about how memory works, I was walking past the loading bay doors of the old art building and its kiln before they tore it down and I remember the color of the peeling paint and the posters and playbills on it, though I can't remember what they said. I remember how hot it was that day and how my legs were tired from walking across campus and the smell of the pavement, how powerless I felt because I was a kid going to see my dad at his work after I got home from school and then walking to the coffee shop because he was grading and I was bored. And I was like, I wonder if I can just decide to remember something like this moment, and I did, but now the memory is just the things I've rehearsed about it - the sound of cicadas and ventilation fans, the short point of view, the little slope to the parking lot road and cul de sac that isn't even there any more! I know it isn't there because there's a new building in that space. Oops, see, I just eroded that memory by suggesting to my brain that its location (or some other core component of the memory) is replaced by something different. It's more effective than trying to make a memory go away, you can just change it a little by replacing a detail. Not gone, but replaced. If I went right now, while reminiscing about that memory, and looked up what was there on google maps, it'd fuck with it more! I'm not going to because I like having an arbitrary memory about introspection about cognition.

I couldn't have been more than nine or ten. Maybe less. I have memories from before that of course, I just hadn't chosen what to remember and I was always getting scolded for forgetting things. I was also being entreated or enjoined - we're making memories, or you're remember this for a long time, or - whatever. But also, my dad taught human development, a field spanning sociology and psychology, focused on a process all humans go through to some degree, which I was currently doing, and I thought, what if I decided to remember this moment. And I kept walking to the coffee shop. I wonder where the granite bench went that was along the side of the art building.

There are a lot of things I'm sad about in my life. You don't get to go through the kind of medical trauma I've been through and come out unscathed on the other side.

But one thing I'm really bitter about is that I can't remember my wedding anymore. The pernicious anemia took it from me and wiped my brain clean. Except it's not clean, not really. I remember it in patches. Like red wine stains on a white rug that have never quite lifted out no matter how hard you try.

I look at the pictures on my bookcase, and they feel like remembering a story someone else has told me. There's a young woman in a white dress wearing my face, and she looks happy. I'm happy for her. But you can see the strain around her eyes, too. The pain she'd hiding because no one with authority believes her when she says her body doesn't feel right. That something is Wrong.

They won't believe her for another decade. They won't believe her until it's almost too late, and it's that lateness that will rob her of her memories and turn them into a wavering rainbow suspended in the fine haze of watery sunlight that occasionally surfaces through the blanks.

There's one memory that's real, though. Solid. It's not my vows. It's not my father walking me down the aisle. (Though those are there, just hazy and dream-like). It's our first dance.

It's the lights dimming around the room as the staff cleared the floor, causing the fishbowls full of white roses and LED lights on the tables to wobble like pools of moonlight against dark paneled walls.

It's the band inviting us out onto the floor and us giggling because we know what's coming next, and no one else does. It's the twang of a banjo reverberating around the room through the speakers, followed by the dulcet tones of Kermit the Frog wondering why there are so many songs about rainbows.

It's us waltzing around the enclosed circle of light, singing to each other out of tune and grinning like idiots as everyone around us starts to laugh.

It's everyone joining in on the song because it's the Muppets, and everyone knows the words. It's 100+ people singing the Rainbow Connection, some laughing, some a bit tearful, because it's bringing back memories. Because it's making a new one.

It's looking up at my new husband through the brain fog and all the pain in my body and thinking, "I want to remember this moment forever."

I don't know what entity was out there listening to me at that moment and chose to grant that wish. I don't know why this is the one memory that stuck while everything else in my brain got decimated into scattered, fragmented snapshots. But I'm so, so thankful it is.

Though, I could have done without it randomly coming on my YouTube music out of nowhere to hit me in the emotions like a brick to the back of the head. Jesus Christ.

[samflir]

What makes a good boot sequence?

A while ago, I had my first truly viral post on Mastodon. It was this:

You might've seen it. It got almost four hundred boosts and reached beyond Mastodon to reddit and even 4chan. I even saw an edit with a spinning frog on the left screen. I knew the post would go down well with tech.lgbt but I never expected it to blow up the way it did.

I tried my best to express succinctly exactly what it is I miss about BIOS motherboards in the age of UEFI in this picture. I think looking at a logo and spinner/loading bar is boring compared to seeing a bunch of status messages scroll up the screen indicating hardware being activated, services being started up and tasks being run. It takes the soul out of a computer when it hides its computeriness.

I think a lot of people misunderstood my post as expressing a practical preference over an aesthetic one, and there was at least a few thinking this was a Linux fanboy post, which it certainly is not. So here's the long version of a meme I made lol.

Stages

I remember using two family desktop computers before moving over a family laptop. One ran Windows XP and the other ran Windows 7. Both were of the BIOS era, which meant that when booting, they displayed some status information in white on black with a blinking cursor before loading the operating system. On the XP machine, I spent longer in this liminal space because it dual-booted. I needed to select Windows XP from a list of Linux distros when booting it.

I've always liked this. Even as a very little kid I had some sense that what I was seeing was a look back into the history of computing. It felt like a look "behind the scenes" of the main GUI-based operating system into something more primitive. This made computers even more interesting than they already were, to me.

Sequences

The way old computers booted was appealing to my love of all kinds of fixed, repeating sequences. I never skip the intros to TV shows and I get annoyed when my local cinema forgets to show the BBFC ratings card immediately before the film, even though doing so is totally pointless and it's kinda strange that they do that in the first place. Can you tell I'm autistic?

Booting the windows 7 computer would involve this sequence of distinct stages: BIOS white text -> Windows 7 logo with "starting windows" below in the wrong aspect ratio -> switch to correct resolution with loading spinner on the screen -> login screen.

Skipping any would feel wrong to me because it's missing a step in one of those fixed sequences I love so much. And every computer that doesn't start with BIOS diagnostic messages is sadly missing that step to my brain, and feels off.

Low-level magic

I am extremely curious about how things work and always have been, so little reminders when using a computer that it has all sorts of complex inner workings and background processes going on are very interesting to me, so I prefer boot sequences that expose the low-level magic going on and build up to the GUI. Starting in the GUI immediately presents it as fundamental, as if it's not just a pile of abstractions on top of one another. It feels deceptive.

There may actually be some educational and practical value in computers booting in verbose mode by default. Kids using computers for the first time get to see that there's a lot more to their computer than the parts they interact with (sparking curiosity!), and if a boot fails, technicians are better able to diagnose the problem over a phone call with a non-technical person.

Absolute boot sequence perfection

There's still one last thing missing from my family computer's boot sequence, and that's a brief flicker of garbage on screen as VRAM is cleared out. Can't have everything I guess. Slo-mo example from The 8-Bit Guy here: