#because my 30 year old cousin has been living with my grandma for a few years because

[ningningkittie]

.

[mizufae]

abelia for the ask game!

Abelia - do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with?

First of all, I didn’t know what abelia was and it turns out they are those evergreen bushes in designed landscapes that get little star shaped flowers and I’m always like “what are those???” And now I know so hey, that’s something I’ve currently learned!

Anyway. I have a bunch of jewelry I would be really upset to lose, but nothing I always wear. I did go through phases where I wore the same pendant necklaces all the time even in the shower for a few years, only swapping them seasonally or for special occasions. I used to be a watch wearing person but once I succumbed to the ubiquity of cell phones and my old watch died I haven’t gotten a new one. When I think of my jewelry collection and try to pick the pieces I would be devastated not having anymore, there are only maybe a dozen, and most of them are heirlooms. My family is partially Jewish old money so we have been passing some things down since our mothers sewed gems into the lining of their fur coats on the boats to America before WWII. I don’t have any of those because my mom still has them but I have some things from my great grandma that I never wear and would never sell but if I lost them my ancestors would rise from the grave and harass me like I’m in Fiddler on the Roof.

I have a too-long string of beautiful Hawaiian black pearls that my aunt got when she lived in Kauai and were given to me after she died way too young. There’s the tiny gold heart shaped locket with a diamond chip on the front that my grandma gave me when I was only about three and I could put it on a chain that fits me but I don’t want to. There’s the elegant string of graduated petite pearls that my evil grandmother got me when I turned 30 and is probably the only time she gave me a gift that wasn’t snide in some way. I have a whole little pile of earrings from my older cousin who I was obsessed with as a little kid, they are all eighties-tacular, with colorful metal hearts and stars and moons with more smaller ones dangling from the larger ones, which I often wear to cons and parties and always get compliments on. My (non evil) grandma also left me her collection of cloisonné enamel pins, I have two gorgeous butterflies, a frog, a fish, a ship and an elephant in shades of green and cerulean and gold plate. I have her mother of pearl carved pendant that has delicate scenes of Chinese landscapes on each side. I have the pink Venetian glass circle my grandfather brought back from Italy for me, and Grandma’s jade bracelet made of cream, evergreen, and peach colored beads. There is the rainbow glass and silver bracelet my childhood best friend gave me as a birthday present after we moved away from each other that goes with literally every outfit I assemble. I think that’s all but two of the ones I would be devastated to lose.

The other two are the ones I thought of immediately when I read the question.

When I turned 21 my parents gave me a present. They knew I was going through a lot of complicated stuff and struggling and they know I’ve always hated diamonds and always had mixed feelings about gender, but in my family 21 is the age that typically girls are given a gift that is something that can become an heirloom. Like a really nice diamond necklace or a big fuck off cocktail ring or something to like, wear to a cotillion or whatever the fuck old timey people did, you know? My parents knew I was not about that life. They also knew that despite my coloring pointing to silver looking the “best” on me I’ve always preferred gold and copper and brass. So if they didn’t know me at all they would have given me like, a silver diamond tennis bracelet, and I was dreading it.

But my parents came to visit me at college and I was in their hotel room and my mom pulled out a jewelry case, and she said “I remembered how much you always liked my fire opal ring, and you’re really an adult now, and we trust you to take care of nice things, and you don’t wear rings, so we found this for you. If you don’t like it we can return it and get something else, okay? Or just money.” And in that box was a nice gold chain with an opal pendant. It’s simple, oval, about two inches tall and an inch across, with an incredible rainbow flash with fire orange at the top and a beautiful spectrum of blues and greens inside a creamy flecked stone. The setting is simple and modern, and it’s gold, and I’ve worn it to almost every wedding and formal special occasion ever since. It doesn’t catch on my clothes or hair, it’s just the right length, it feels so nice to hold. The clasp of the pendant clips open and closed so I can put it on different chains really easily or convert it to another piece of jewelry like a pin or earring very simply.

The thing about opals is that although I love them, they are fragile. You can’t get them wet or greasy, they are hard to clean, they can shatter and chip. My parents trusted me with something that was an embodiment of my personal and atypical taste, worth a truly significant amount of money, and something fragile, that I’ll have to care for in a particular way for the rest of my life. And they also gave it to me with no expectation of me accepting or even liking it, but trying their best. So it means a lot and if I ever have to board a boat for another country with valuables sewn into my clothing, it’s the first thing I’m sewing in.

The second one is a blue moonstone pendant in a silver setting I bought from a jewelry booth at my town’s summer festival when I was fifteen for like ten bucks. It’s what I would often wear for months at a time. It’s the birthstone of the boy I was in love with for years, but I loved him in the wrong way. It became kind of a talisman for me about, like, anhedonia. Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure and I’ve struggled with depression since I was eleven years old. I think that I bought the necklace not to express my obsession with the boy so much as to be able to hold on to something physical to remind myself that I’m capable of happy feelings. Because just being around him when he was happy, being able to share the things he liked or bring him something new he enjoyed, that made me so joyful. Like yes I also wanted to kiss his face off and live happily ever after but in retrospect what I really wanted was to always feel about life how I felt about life when I was around him. He couldn’t ever love me back the way I thought I wanted him to. If only we’d been able to see what was happening from a distance. We were best friends for a few years but too many of those were tainted by my unrequited feelings and his conflict between wanting to make me happy, hating himself, and being afraid of expressing what was wrong for fear of hurting everyone. So I still wear my simple blue stone necklace all the time because it’s like blue jeans and goes with all my clothes, but even at almost forty I will sometimes hold it, and think, we were two people going through almost the same thing, but I had someone who broke through my anhedonia, and he didn’t. We could have been such better friends. We could have helped each other so much more. I could have let go of my obsession and still loved his presence in my life, and he would have been free of the burden I unduly laid on his teenaged back. And maybe he would still be in my life. Maybe I would have been someone he could have reached out to. Never, ever, ever, give the key to your happiness to anyone but yourself. I bought that necklace because it was a pretty color with a little flash, and it reminded me of feeling happiness when I was surrounded by funnel cakes and fireworks and felt almost nothing. When I piled all those other symbols onto it, I heaped them onto someone who didn’t ask for them, without even talking about it, who could never have carried those symbols the way I wanted. It’s just a cheap stone on a simple chain, and I can love it, but I can’t expect anything more from it.

Anyway that got long. Here’s a picture of the cloisonné frog and butterflies!

[abortionado]

It’s been over 10 years since we found out my grandpa had Alzheimer’s Disease, so I’m not in a huge amount of grief following his passing this morning, especially because he’d been suffering so much the past few weeks. It feels like an awful thing to say, but everyone was as ready as we could be for the end. I’m glad he’s not in pain anymore. He was a good man, and he didn’t deserve to suffer for so long. His daughters and his wife (my grandmother) didn’t deserve to watch him suffer for so long.

I was quite young when he really stopped being himself, so I unfortunately don’t have a whole lot of personal memories with him, but I do remember that he was a soft-spoken, intelligent man who loved to read more than anything (which only made it harder to lose his linguistic skills with the progression of the disease). I know his first wife died when he was in his 30’s, and he stepped up and raised his two young daughters alone on a modest single income. I know he married my grandma a few years before I was born, and he was always just as active and present in mine and my siblings’ lives as he was in my cousins’ (his biological grandkids’). I know he was one of the first people to hold me when I came into this world.

One very dear memory I do have of him, though, is of the time I was visiting my grandparents’ house and somehow found out (I have no idea how) that the earth was eventually going to crash into the sun. I was crying, and my grandma was trying to reassure me and tell me that it will be long, long after all of us are dead, but I wasn’t worried about that, I was just sad that such a beautiful place would meet such a tragic end. I remember he picked me up, sat me on his lap, and said,

“It’s okay to cry. Let’s cry it out for good old earth.”

And as much as I told myself I was completely ready for his passing, and I wouldn’t make this about myself and would just be glad that his suffering was ending, it really hit me this morning while I was consoling my mother that I’m never going to see him again. I think when a loved one is battling a terminal illness, we know logically that the end is coming and try to prepare ourselves, but there will always be a softer, more human part that refuses to give up until the very end. I think that’s the part that’s hurting.

I’m glad he’s not suffering anymore. I’m glad this long, painful, hopeless journey is finally over, and I hope he’s at peace and relaxing with a good book wherever he is.

But the soft, selfish part still hurts. I wish I got to know him (the real him) as an adult. I wish we got to talk about things like politics and literature, and I wish I could’ve learned from a person as wise and well-read as him. I wish he’d been around to see me, my siblings, and my cousins get married and start families of our own.

Alzheimer’s has taken a lot from my family, and millions of families every year go through the same thing. That’s why I’m making a donation to the Alzheimer’s Association in his memory. I definitely don’t expect you to donate to commemorate a man you don’t know, but if you know someone who’s been impacted by Alzheimer’s and you are able/feel so inclined, a $1 or $5 gift to prevention and treatment research is a great way to honor them.

Rest In Peace, Grandpa Larry. 💜

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Unexpected Part 4

Harry Potter Marauders Era Post-Hogwarts 

Link to Part 3 

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader 

Rating: M 

____

The sound of someone knocking on the bedroom door roused from your deep sleep. You heard Regulus groan beside you as he lifted enough to look at the clock.

“The fuck?”

Regulus grumbled. Who the hell was waking him up at 7:30 am when Halley was sleeping?

“What?”

Regulus snapped. The door opened and James stepped in with his hand over his eyes.

“Do you two have clothes on?”

“No.”

Regulus replied, with a grin. The more that he could make James uncomfortable the happier Regulus would be. He wasn’t a fool. Regulus knew that James was still pissed over you running off and getting married. For the few days that the three of you had been staying with James and Lily, James had barely said 4 words to you and it was beginning to annoy Regulus. He made a mental note to talk to James later.

You, meanwhile, gave your husband a small displeased expression as James spoke again.

“That’s just great. I really don’t want to be in here but Reg, your mother is here and we don’t know what to do with her. She’s trying to tell Sirius that he’s doing everything wrong with Halley. They are about to fight. Not to sound concerned but I would pay to see it but I don’t want my kitchen destroyed either.

Regulus quickly got up in search of his abandoned pants. This was the last thing that he wanted to deal with. He needed some form of caffeine before dealing with Walburga or Sirius.

“Fuck shit crap...what the fuck is she doing here?”

James, who had turned around, shrugged.

“We wondered the same thing. It's kind of funny though. Halley is looking at your mother like she hasn’t seen anything like her before.”

Regulus sighed.

“Because she hasn’t. Y/n and I don’t act like raving lunatics around her. Whether you want to believe it or not, but we used to live a very drama-free life. I knew this would happen. We would tell her and she is just going to show up at random times. Who the hell comes visiting at 7:30?”

“You drama-free? Forgive me for not believing that. As far as your mother, she’s been here since 7.”

James clarified. For once, James had to agree with Regulus on something. When James opened his door that morning to see Walburga Black on the other side, he had to make sure that the world hadn’t ended. James was under the impression that Walburga never wanted to see him again. After all, the horrible woman screamed it at his face when Sirius ran away and James was not the least bit upset.

Regulus turned.

“7? Normal people are sleeping at 7...oh wait...this is my mother that we are talking about...carry on. You said that Sirius has Halley?”

James nodded.

“He’s protecting her like a little piece of gold. I think it's annoying your mother and that is what’s the best about it. She wanted to hold her and Sirius told her that his turn wasn’t over and she has to wait in line.”

You ran a hand through your hair trying not to sigh. This was going to a giant mess!

“I got this,Y/n.”

Regulus muttered as he pulled on a shirt and stormed downstairs. If his mother thought for one minute that she was going to sink her claws into his daughter, she had another thing coming! The last thing that Regulus was going to let happen was Halley have a horrible childhood like him. He would die before that happened.

It's a good thing that we willed Halley to Sirius. I could rest in peace knowing that she is safe with him. I will rest better knowing that James also doesn’t have her.

Regulus thought with a pleased smile. The two of you had sat down one night after Halley was born and decided “who do we really hate the most?” Regulus thought the whole thing was rather amusing until you made the comment,

“We need to decide who would be best to raise our child if something happens to us. Do you really find our child’s security a laughing matter?”

The two of you had come to an agreement that Halley would go to Sirius since James and Lily had Harry to worry about. Of course, James and Lily could be involved as they liked in their niece's life but Regulus was adamant that Halley went to Sirius and you agreed.

Walburga looked up when Regulus stormed into the room. She automatically frowned at her youngest son’s disheveled appearance. Regulus’ curly hair was a mess and his shirt was untucked. Walburga hadn’t seen her son look this bad in ages. If Walburga wasn’t hell-bent on holding her granddaughter she would make a comment about Regulus looking sloppy.

“Regulus, make your brother give me the baby.”

Regulus’ attention went to Sirius who sat at the table cuddling Halley. Without saying anything, Regulus eagerly took the cup of coffee that Lily was holding out to him. He didn’t turn to face his mother who looked like she was about to blow a fuse over being ignored. It vaguely reminded Regulus of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. If she started screeching, “I will not be ignored” Regulus wouldn’t be able to fight the urge to laugh at her. What was she going to do, after all? Send him to his room?

“Regulus, you are ignoring me.”

Walburga snapped. Regulus shook his head and pointed to the cup of coffee in his hand.

“See, he has to have the motivation to deal with you too. He’s just too nice to say it.”

Sirius commented. Walburga huffed as she sat back down at the table. Her dark eyes were focused on her eldest son and granddaughter.

“You should have socks on the baby. She’s going to catch a cold.”

“It's warm in here.”

Sirius muttered.

“Sheesh mother, would you sit down and take a pill or something? It isn’t like we are going to let her crawl through a puddle of bleach or something. We aren’t heathens.”

Walburga rolled her eyes before standing up and turning back to her youngest son.

“We are having dinner with our whole family tonight. Bring your wife and the child...and for Merlin’s sake brush your hair. You look like your father did after Sirius was born...I swear a woman has a baby and the father goes to pieces.”

Regulus finally had enough coffee to be able to process his thoughts clearly.

“I haven’t gone to pieces, mum. I was asleep. It's barely 7:45...most people are sleeping.”

Walburga put on her sweater with a disapproving scowl that used to send Sirius and Regulus running. Her face reminded Regulus of the time that he had caught the living room drapes on fire.

“I’m sure your wife wasn’t sleeping. You should help her with the child.”

Regulus groaned.

“Mother, I swear to god...it is too early and I haven’t had enough…”

Sirius jumped up and tugged Regulus after him.

“Happy family time is over mother. They will show up to your cult dinner later. Try not to ruin him any more than you already have.”

“You’re not coming, are you?”

Walburga questioned. She didn’t want to deal with Sirius more than she had to. If she dealt with him too much then she could develop feelings for his sassy sarcastic self and she didn’t want anything to deal with that. She was catching enough feelings being around Regulus and Halley. Adding Sirius to the mix would be a disaster!

“Not in a million years.”

Sirius replied before leaving the room muttering to Halley about her family being crazy and to not listen to anything that anyone told her.

“I’ll tell you all about the cult when you get old enough to understand. Your crazy grandma is an alcoholic and needs her special cider to function.”

Regulus shook his head before turning back to his mother who looked ready to start yelling. The fact that Walburga Black wasn’t screaming spoke volumes about her actually want to be involved in Halley’s life.

“We’ll come, mother.”

That evening you stood beside Regulus as the two of you stared at the front door of 12 Grimmauld Place.

“Why are we doing this again?”

Regulus questioned. You sighed as he snuggled Halley closer to him.

“We are being good people and Halley deserves to know both sides of her family.”

Regulus didn’t make any facial expression before turning to you.

“We can just tell her that my family is a bunch of shady characters that she really doesn't need to know. Hell, Sirius can back us up on that one. Halley has your family and she has Sirius...that's enough from my family. She doesn’t need to grow up witnessing these psychos in action.”

Before you could respond the front door opened. Orion stood on the other and smiled seeing Halley in her father’s arms.

“There you two are. We were wondering what was taking so long. Now let me have her.”

You watched as Regulus made a pained expression the moment that his father snatched Halley from him. Orion spent the next few moments smiling down at her as Halley started tugging at the buttons of his vest. ‘

Regulus silently prayed that Halley would start pulling hair that night. That would be one hell of a way to make an introduction into the family...giving someone a new bald spot.

“Come on it. Everyone else is here.”

Regulus reached over and wrapped his hand around yours. You couldn’t help feeling sad when you noticed the dark expression on Regulus’ face. It was the same expression that he had the day before. You assumed that this would be a normal thing anytime that the two of you were in the Black family home.

Multiple sets of eyes rolled up when you stepped into the room with Regulus. You knew a few of the people already. Narcissa and Lucius were looking at the two of you with wide eyes while Bellatrix scowled in your direction. The horrible woman almost made a comment but was stopped the moment Narcissa elbowed her in the side.

Walburga smiled before turning to Druella.

“I assume that you haven’t been told but Regulus and Y/n married not long ago. This is their daughter Halley.”

Regulus hated the way that his aunt and cousins were looking around at each other as if saying,

How is he still here? How is Regulus still with us? What was Walburga thinking?

Walburga turned back to her youngest son with a pleased smile.

“Sit down.”

The next half an hour was the tensest of your life. While Walburga had been overly nice to you the day before, tonight she was in a constant conversation with her sister-in-law. Tonight, she was clearly showing the true colors that Regulus mentioned to you before.

So much for being hopeful….

You thought as Narcissa turned to you. She gave you a sweet smile.

“Halley is a darling little girl. How old is she?”

“Four months.”

Regulus replied. Narcissa again smiled ignoring her cousin’s careful gaze. Regulus wasn’t about to let his guard down. He didn’t care how sweet Narcissa pretended to be. Regulus wasn’t as concerned about Narcissa as he was Bellatrix. His older cousins’ cold gaze was locked on the two of you.

“She’s the same age as our Draco. How wonderful they are the same age! Did you have a hard time with the pregnancy?”

You shook your head before putting your drink down.

“Not at all. A little morning sickness but that was it. Her birth wasn’t bad either.”

Your eyes flickered over to Regulus who had a small smile on his face.

“I think we both did well.”

Narcissa’s mouth dropped.

“You mean, Regulus stayed in the room with you? He didn’t leave?”

You immediately realized just what Draco’s birth was probably like for Narcissa. She was probably in some cold sterile room all alone. “He was with me the whole time. He may have been a bit traumatized but he did just fine.”

Narcissa immediately glared at Lucius. The man was giving Regulus the biggest “fuck you” expression imaginable.

“I think that you and I will have a talk later.”

Both Lucius and Narcissa sat hissing at each other quietly for the next fifteen minutes. You leaned over to Regulus.

“I think I just caused a rift between them.”

Regulus smirked. He couldn’t give two shits as to what was pissing Narcissa and Lucius off. They could get hit by a bus for all Regulus cared.

Bellatrix, who had been listening quietly, the whole time was finally beginning to have enough. She wasn’t thrilled with the fact that Regulus brought you home. Since when was he allowed to go marry whomever he wished? Bella didn’t have that luxury nor did Narcissa or any other woman. Regulus probably got to do as he wished because he was a male.

Stupid double standard.

Bellatrix muttered before turning to Narcissa.

“Regulus was always the weak one. Now look he’s gone and knocked up a blood traitor.”

She said it loud enough for you to hear. You had to stop yourself from turning to hex the bitch. If you needed another reason to hate Bella. She had given you one. Clearly, she knew nothing about her cousin. Regulus was anything but weak.

“Reggie, can we go home now?”

You whispered in his direction. Regulus’ eyes turned in your direction. He had somehow started talking to his father.

“Soon.”

________

@amelie-black @truly-insatiable @lucasfilms77 @realgaytrash @fandomsxxregulus @spiderxalmighty @jessyballet @knreidy1 @rubyroscoe1 @acciosiriusblack @quuenofblacks @hazncalsgal @bennyberry @criminalyetminimal @whymyparentscheckmyphone @brokencasbutt67-writer @authoressskr @fandom-trash-worth-it @hankypranky @summer-novak @shaylybaby2032 @marichromatic @maggioli-m @emiwrites3reads @stuckinsaudi1 @shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @knight-of-gleefulness @deanwherescas @shitfaceddaniel @wontlookaway @mycuddlycorner

[traumatized-motherfuckers]

CPTSD and Core Beliefs (Your lens, built on traumatic fuckery)

Alright, so you know I have this Patreon thing that I try to make worth your while in return for your economical help. One of the benefits is the good ole’ monthly ask me anything. And I love it. Because the questions are great. And they push me to dig into topics that I was procrastinating. This month’s AMA is a particularly good one! A question that needs to be addressed, anyways. So it’s perfect. Let’s aim for two birds with one stone.

Our good friend Cassie - you know her by now - asks, how do you identify core beliefs and start to change them? Which is a very simple and very complicated question.

  So, to take a step backwards, what she talkin’ bout?

  Well, one of the internal issues that complex trauma sufferers have to rectify is their belief system. Between our core beliefs and our inner critic, we have a lot going on in between our ears to keep us downtrodden and destitute.

  We’re talking about what I call Fucked Up Core Beliefs here… which are your trauma-born core beliefs. Again, called FUCBs because when you discover them, you’ll likely whisper to yourself, “wow, that’s actually really fucked up.” These sentiments are like the lenses that you surgically stitched onto your face several decades ago in response to your upbringing, as your little mammal brain tried to understand its place in the global hierarchy and how to be chill about it.

 The framework you built from your early development and beyond, that all information still filters through today - both on the way in and on the way out of your head. The words that stream through your brain consciously or subconsciously to shape the ways you appraise… everything. Yourself, your life, your past, your future, other people, and everything that happens in between.

  So, essentially, talking about the ways you interpret your existence and the collected pool of knowledge from where you make decisions, and therefore the ways you act. If this is starting to sound like a big deal - it is!

But it don’t come with a big flashing sign. The Challenge

These beliefs are challenging to figure out because:

  One, they were adapted early on in your life in an effort to understand the circumstances around you or directly downloaded from the sentiments expressed in your environment. When you were first establishing your perspective of the universe and trying to figure out how to navigate it based on the clues presented.

  Plus, the harder part is… because of the early adoption, you’ve already accepted the idea for so long that it doesn’t even seem like a “belief” to you - you’re not choosing it and it’s probably not apparent to you - it’s just the secret narrative running in your head that corrupts all later data. Not cognitive thoughts that you’re directing on purpose. You probably don’t have recollections of the time before you believed such and such to question what you believe - these ideas are solidified in your head with as much certainty as the alphabet.

  So, you might believe you’re a worthless piece of shit as a function of the neglect and abuse you experienced, a way to explain the mistreatment to yourself from a young age… OR you might believe you’re a worthless piece of shit because mom, dad, sister, and society directly told you so. But either way, many years down the line, it’s difficult to pinpoint either of these originating factors as memories fade or to even question the validity of the thought… or to even notice the thought.

  Two, if your family of origin was always repeating the same sort of thoughts and you later associate with people who make you comfortable to be around (i.e. probably have some similar views of the world), you have nothing to compare your beliefs to.

  Your environment teaches you what’s normal. There’s no reference for what is and isn’t healthy, fair, or functional if everyone is drinking the same kool aid. And, unfortunately, in traumatic environments, folks seem to congregate around the fucked up beliefs to protect them with a mutual unspoken agreement. Accept the accepted narrative of the group or be outcast. The same story is replayed on repeat from all ends of your social circle, so why would you even begin to think there’s another way to look at things?

So, if mom, dad, cousin, uncle, grandma, neighbor, peer, teacher, and media are all telling you the same reality exists, how would you ever even begin to have the wherewithal to think otherwise? The thought probably never crosses your mind. The sky is blue, grass is green, and the world is a miserable place where everyone is trying to take advantage of you.

  Three, again, I cannot over-express how insidious, subtle, and generalized these things can be. Fucked up core beliefs affect how you see and process everything. Again, like lenses or an instagram filter permanently applied to your corneas. So, there’s not necessarily one life-effect linked to one-FUCB for easy detection or one event that will cause a clear-as-day defined belief to come shooting to the top of the pile. More like, you very slowly realize you have an unhealthy view or twenty about yourself and the world that have sorrrrrtof impacted every single area of your life now that you spend years considering it.

  Thinking you’re a worthless piece of shit, for instance, has led to you taking low-level jobs with chaotic schedules, living with an abusive partner, and settling for living in the same environment with the same behavioral patterns that you’ve known your entire life. It’s also allowed you to give up exercise, eating right, staying sober, and trying to make any life-improvements. Why bother spit polishing shit? And here you are, wondering why you feel awful about yourself and don’t enjoy anything you’ve created in your life.

  But. It’s not that simple to sort out, or else we would have done it already. You probably haven’t ever purposely considered how commonly this impression is operating below the surface of your actions. Realizing that the belief “I’m a worthless piece of shit who deserves nothing” and trying to change it would be like pulling out the wrong Janga block - everything it has been supporting suddenly comes tumbling down and you’re left with a real fucking mess to rebuild from the bottom up. And, to top it all off, no one ever even taught you how to create a sturdier structure in the first place.

  Fourthly, from some of my own learnings, I’ve come to the conclusion that the core belief, itself, doesn’t even have to present itself at any point to be making a difference in your life. They are so deeply ingrained in my brain that my thought center just naturally uses them as a jumping off point, without even directly touching on the words that might ping my brain as unusual. Just like we can subtly detect risks in our environment that set off our warning bells without ever creating a conscious thought to go with the arousal, I feel like I can apply a core belief to my world without ever noticing the accompanying stream of consciousness.

Sometimes I feel like fucked up core beliefs have become so accepted over time that they’re feelings more than cognitions. As if they’ve become so reflexive through repetition that you have muscle memory - an intuitive response that bypasses your logical brain recognition threshold and jumpstarts shittily-related thoughts… and those will actually register on your thinking scale. But at that point, you accept the novel-feeling thought and never note that it was actually spawned by a very old recording.

  Which is to say, you might have to work on identifying your fucked up core feelings before you can get to the thought deeply buried underneath. Taking a meta break from the episode to tell you, I’ve never thought about that so thoroughly before. But Fucked Up Core Feelings definitely sounds like a solid description of my world. I guess we also have FUCFs to go with our FUCBs from now on. Anyways.

  With all of this in mind, I’m sure you can start to see why these fucked up core beliefs are a big problem. Hell, if you’ve listened to this podcast for more than a few episodes, you’ve definitely heard that I’m still challenged by my own. Like, when I say that I’m freaking out because no one should listen to me and I feel like an imposter - I believe that I’m not good enough to share information with people. That I’m too flawed to even express myself. This is a problem for, say, podcasting. Or, living. And I have to fight it all the time.

  Long story short.

  Your core beliefs are sneaky, they can be comprehensive, and they are hardwired into your brain as your default system for analyzing everything on the planet. Again, kind of like looking for goggles strapped to your face, but in reality you had lasik surgery about 30 years ago.

  So, if you aren’t constantly on the lookout for core beliefs and actively working against your pre-programmed ways of assessing yourself and the world around you… they will get out of control, cause a fair amount of avoidance and defeat, and set you back several steps in your mental health management… plus, potentially your entire life, if you make any big decisions out of this unhealthy mindset. Which you will, because that’s how the brain works. I’m almost certain that you have some experience with this already.

If you ever think things like: The world is a dangerous placePeople are cruelI’m not good enough I’m not smart enoughI’m not enoughI’m brokenOther people don’t like meThere’s something wrong with my personalityI’m not allowed to… (live like others, have nice things, be happy)I’m not one of those people who… (has money, has good luck, gets what they want)Shit is just harder for meNothing ever works outLife is always hardI can’t.

Then you’ve had some fucked up core beliefs floating around in your head.

 These are some super broad ones for the sake of demonstration, so don’t disregard highly specific beliefs that might relate to your particular circumstances or upbringing.

  If you haven’t ever noticed yourself thinking these big shitty picture things… check again in all your deepest nooks and crannies. I think a lot of us TMFRs operate from some version of the narratives above - plus, much worse. Like I keep saying, these beliefs might not be in your conscious thoughts, so much as they’re directing the show from behind the curtain.

How do we pull it back? Discover the beliefs ........

Keep reading or listen up at t-mfrs.com

https://www.t-mfrs.com/podcast/episode/532f2b1c/core-beliefs

[kulfigf]

im going to rant abt arranged marriage a bit below the cut, pls dont rb but feel free to read :3

ik like people say that talking about arranged marriage in an inherently derogative way is "racist", but like living through it, it must be known that there's not a day of my life that goes by without it hanging over my fucking head. it's a circling, never-resolving, horrible conversation i have with my mother almost everyday and it makes me sick with anger and anxiety.

i am the oldest of all grandkids, and i am a girl. and that sucks dick because as a muffinmuncher i am literallly just waiting for the day I will have to come out to my family. like i dont have a choice -- it's either that i refuse to tell them and have to deal with years and years of them badgering me to get married and them questioning my worth as a person, or submitting and marrying a guy. no, im not getting forcibly abducted and made to marry, but the "choice" i have is not a choice since it comes with fucking Terms and Conditions.

i have a second cousin who is not married -- she's in her mid-30s and she's not some flourishing careerwoman, shes just a regular lady, but every family event is hell for her. i know this because she's the "black smear" in the family for not being married despite her "age". my family likes to regard themselves as being "respectful" so they will not stoop to name-calling but what they do is actually fucking worse. they are convinced, my mom included, that she is deeply, truly unhappy and lonely. whether or not she is none of our godamm business but the fact that it is attributed to the fact that she isnt married to a proper christian boy is aggravating.

i am a hundred percent sure that this will be done to me the day that i refuse -- all these people who have met me only once a year will talk about my supposed unhappiness. my mother warns me about this unhappiness all the time -- "you say all this now, but you dont know how unhappy you'll be when you dont have someone to live your life with". and the truth is I will be unhappy because i will have to risk losing many people i grew up loving and caring for -- i will be unhappy, and it will not be fixed by an arranged marriage.

my mom walked on eggshells around my dad's mom during the early years of their marriage. my grandma is treated like fucking shit by my grandpa and she grins and bears it all. my dad is an outlier simply because he does the groceries and the laundry, "feminist" ads on TV laud men for knowing to operate the washing machine -- how can i fucking expect that some fucker who is balding in his twenties will treat me with respect? ik that i will never marry but im so afraid that this is the reality that awaits some of my close friends.

in my old house, when i was barely five, my neighbours were these two girls who were high schoolers. when we moved out we kept in sparse touch, but we went to meet them when the oldest got married. i called her ramya akka; ramya was her name and akka is the honorific address for a woman older than you in the local language. she was incredibly bright -- they only had their mom and each other growing up so she knew how to run the house, she had to grow up early. i mustve loved her as a child and i remember her being like light. her groom was some guy who had scored a job in the united states, and the wedding was lavish. ramya akka had barely lifted her face from the floor, and my sisters and i marked that day as the day our childhood died.

a few years later when she flew back here, she was so quiet and dimmed. her green card hadnt been fully secured so she had spent the last year doing nothing. her husband was away from home most of the time, and she joked in a way that seemed sad to me -- "oh when im sick, he cant take care of me because he cant cook. he makes me a watery rice and daal and i leave the bed telling him that id rather do it myself". when she leaves, my grandma beams and tells me "god she was so ill-behaved as a kid, but look at her now she is so mature". it has been a couple of years since but i still cant recall the evening without wanting to cry.

in all ways except physical, ramya akka is dead and people not only let that happen, but they lauded her for it. many women kill themselves at the altar or the wedding mandap, and it's a death you have to do or else you will risk your respect and your face and your fucking dignity. it's a horror for a cishet woman, and it's a fucking ticking timebomb for queer ones. i know i will lose the relationship i have with my aunts, who i love dearly, the day that i tell them who i am. i should not have to live with this, no one should.

[purplesurveys]

1298

trigger warninggg

[Pause: Currently]

What style is your hair in?  In a really haphazard ponytail that I didn’t tie all the way through so it looks more like a bun than a ponytail.

What’re you wearing? Just a shirt and a pair of lounge shorts.

What’s the weather like outside?  I can’t really tell since it’s dark now and we currently have the aircon on, but judging how the weather at night has been more merciful now I’m guessing it’s quite chilly out.

What time is it?  11:28 PM. I really should be sleeping now since I have an antigen test early tomorrow but eh, it won’t be very Robyn of me if I have a normal body clock lol.

What’re you sitting on?  I’m currently in the living room. It’s been a while since I’ve taken a survey here, or downstairs in general.

Who, if anyone, is in the room with you?  My siblings and mom, and my grandma and cousin who are staying the night. The dogs are here too.

What’s on your mind?  How I should really be headed for bed.

What make-up, if any, are you wearing?  Nothing.

What month is it? We’re at the end of October.

[Fast Forward: Future]

What career do you want?  I used to want to get into journalism; like that seemed to be the only path for me at first. Once I started actually taking it up it didn’t take long for me to realize it wasn’t meant to be. After that I aimed to get a career related to media and/or communications, and I’m here now.

What age do you think you’ll get married by?  At this rate, I don’t know if it will still be a possibility for me. I tend to...not give things another try once I’ve proven to fail them once. But if by some miracle I meet someone and find myself in a stable, long-term relationship, my ideal age would be 27 or 28.

What about having kids?  Same age. I don’t want to have kids in my 30s.

What age do you plan on moving out?  Maybe 26? 27? Time will tell. I used to say I’ll move out as soon as I get my first job but I quickly learned how insane that sounds.

Can you see yourself moving away from here and if so, to where?  I imagine it for myself, yeah; but I’m also afraid of big leaps. I hope I would be brave enough to move to an entirely different city or even country altogether.

Do you think you’ll marry your current significant other?  I don’t have one.

Do you know what the weather is supposed to be like for the rest of the week?  I think sunny? It’s been like that the last few days and I haven’t heard any news about a typhoon coming. Which is GREAT, because I’ll be going to the beach this weekend and this is the only instance I’m ok with being under the sun lol.

What tattoos and/or piercings do you want in the future?  Seven dots. I also still want a bowl of nachos.

Do you want any cosmetic surgery sometime down the line, if you had money for it?  Nope.

In ten years, how old will you be and where do you see yourself?  33. Making more money.

[Rewind: Past]

When’s the last time you took a shower?  Yesterday.

What was the last text message you sent?  I sent an inquiry to a publication since they were being unresponsive to my email.

What did you do yesterday?  Just work. This week had been pretty hectic...but then again I think I’ve been saying that about all my weeks these days. Ugh. I’m burned the fuck out. My bosses are begging me to file a leave for once but I just can’t stand the idea of being absent and resting while shit is going on at work.

How old were you when you first started dating?  I never really...dated. The first and only relationship I’ve been in had been mutual from the very beginning and we dove headfirst to being together, no courtship phase and all. And I’m demi too, so dating is something I honestly find complicated.

When was the last time you saw your best friend? Angela, last Sunday. Andi, last January.

What was your first word?  My parents didn’t take note of it. What’s your earliest memory?  My mom planning a ‘camping’ trip for me and my sister, which was really just a tent set up beside her bed.

Do you remember what you were doing twelve hours ago? I was in a virtual meeting with one of our clients.

Three years ago, did you dress the same way you do now?  No. I liked stuff like denim skirts and off-shoulder tops back then, which wouldn’t be my first or even fifth choice these days.

How old were you when your first younger sibling was born, assuming you’re not the youngest or an only child?  I was 2.

[Eject: Stuff You Wish Didn’t Happen]

How did your first serious breakup go? My surveys from September last year to probably around March this year can speak for themselves.

TW// Have you ever had an eating disorder? I wouldn’t call it an eating disorder but I did lose much of my appetite in the aftermath of said breakup and skipped many meals. If I did eat, it didn’t take long before I felt full or before I felt nauseous.

TW// Have you ever cut yourself? Yes. I keep a key somewhere in my room just in case I feel like doing it but fortunately I haven’t felt the need to look for it for a while now.

TW// Have you ever thought about or attempted suicide? Yeah, extensively for the former. I’ve only had one attempt.

What was the last thing you cried about? Hometown Cha-cha-cha.

What’s one thing that’s stressing you out like crazy right now? Work.

Have you ever had a horrible teacher and/or boss? I’ve had plenty of horrible teachers. None for bosses - the ones I have are great.

The first time you dumped someone, was it hard? I’ve never been dumped but I’ve been dumped twice. Yes, both times were hard.

[Record: Awesomeness That Deserves to be Recorded on Video Forever]

When was the last time you laughed really hard and what was it about? Just a few hours ago; I was watching In the Soop and there had been a really funny moment when Hobi and Taehyung were playing RC cars and one of them was going really fast their car ended up crashing into a big box of fucking tennis balls and sent all of them flying. That gave me such a good laugh hahaha.

What was the last funny movie you saw?  I don’t really watch movies anymore.

The last time you ate something really delicious, what was it?  Starbucks’ dark chocolate macadamia cookie, which I’m having right now because my cousin got it for me :)

The last time you got your paycheck, how much was it and were you satisfied with it?  I’m not sharing that here haha. But sure, it’s an ok pay considering I still live with my family.

How exactly did you and your best friend meet?  We met in Grade 1 when I stabbed her palm with a pencil.

What was the last compliment you received?  That I’m an ok and reliable person to work with. 

What’s one thing you wish you could relive just for one day?  The day before the pandemic broke out just so I could’ve made the most out of that Friday instead of going home at like 4 PM lmao.

[Play: From This Moment On]

Now that you’re done, what will you do?  Get some sleep.

What’s on your agenda for today?  Well it’s Saturday now, so I’ll have to go out to get my antigen test later this morning since I’ll need to show I’m negative for COVID for my weekend trip to Zambales. I’ll probably catch up on sleep as soon as I’m back home and then spend my afternoon or evening packing.

What’s your next meal going to be?  Another dark chocolate macadamia cookie from Starbucks since my cousin had gotten me two hehe.

Will you change your clothes later in the day? Yes. I’m going out so I’ll definitely have to get into clothes more suitable outdoors.

Who do you plan on seeing today?  I’ll be meeting up with Kata and Bea since we’re taking our antigen tests together.

Are you going to take another survey afterwards?  I want to, but I really need to get some sleep haha.

Is the weather supposed to stay this way all day or will it change?  I don’t think it will change since we don’t have a typhoon warning.

Do you have any chores you need to do?  Not really.

Do you have work later in the day?  Yeah I’ll have to do some weekend work. I hope to get it done as soon as possible.

What about any homework to do?  I’m not in school.

[amazingmsme]

For the horror ask thing, 3 and 20!

3. you're planning a horror movie marathon with your friends - which movies are you picking? The original Halloween & Nightmare on Elm Street first of all, those are my top faves. Room 1408, A Quiet Place, The Amityville Horror but the one with Ryan Reynolds, Delirium, Silence of the Lambs, What Lies Beneath, Bad Times at the El Royale, Kiss the Girls & probably a lot more that I can’t think of right now, but horror is like my favorite genre of film & I tend to prefer paranormal & psychological stories as well as more realistic ones like people being kidnapped or escaping a killer. Midsommar & The House that Jack Built are also fantastic films but both get extremely fucked up & graphic so I’d have to check with whoever I’m watching with. The Conjuring movies are all great & id probably have a marathon just for them

20. do you have any personal scary stories? something that happened to you or somebody close to you? I have way too many, you’d think being the only people who ever lived in this house would mean no ghosts, but you’d be wrong. But I’ll give some highlights:

-1 time when I was trying to leave my room as a kid, some orange nail polish shot out directly in front of my face & hit the wall before sliding down to the floor. With how fast it was going it 100% should’ve broke but it kind of stayed there for a second before falling down

-my sister heard & felt someone whisper in her ear that was pressed against her pillow

-I saw a tall man in my closet watching me dance in my room, this was around the time I was in middle school. To this day I’m still paranoid that I’ll see him if I go dance in there

-one time as a kid it was freezing outside but I still wanted to go out & play. My grandma was watching me while my mom took my sister to the doctor & I was playing out of sight from any window. My old dog Gabby was super protective & barked at everything, & out of nowhere this young woman appears, I’d say mid to late teens. For reference I was wearing 2 pairs of pants, a long sleeve shirt, a puffy jacket & a hat & gloves. This girl was wearing short shorts, a spaghetti strap tank top & was barefoot with no visible signs that she was cold. I was just frozen staring at her & she looked at me. I think she might’ve said she liked my dog but I can’t really remember. I looked over at Gabby & back at her & she was gone

-a few years ago when I stepped out of the shower, 3 full fingers were pressed into the steam on the mirror, but what’s really odd is that there was no palm mark. Of course I took a picture

-we have a tiny porcelain doll that’s haunted & I’m positive that’s where the little girl came from. She’s chilled out over the years but it used to be every time you talked about it, something would happen about 30 minutes after. Like our drapes would fly open, the tv would turn on, we heard a ringing that wasn’t our doorbell, weird shit like that. The guys my mom used to baby sit were terrified of her

-when I was like 3 I was staring at the cabinet she’s kept in & my mom asked what I was doing. She said I had this strange determined & stern look on my face & said “she needs to be standing up.” I was never a stubborn kid but I was adamant about it. After that the activity lessened by a lot

-also regarding the doll, my sister took some pictures of her on the first step in our pool for her photography class but no matter what, the teacher couldn’t open the files for the doll pictures. She could get the other ones but her computer would act very weird when she tried to see those specific ones

-everyone in my family has seen the little girl & even 1 of my sister’s friends saw her go to my room. I think only my sister & I have seen the man tho & he usually appears as a dark shadow, tho when he was in my closet I could see more detail like clothes, but his facial features were in shadow

-the girl looks like your basic horror movie child ghost, like I’m not shitting you. She’s got long dark hair & wears a white dress & whenever I see her the dress is usually the first thing I notice

-2 years ago my sister & I were at our house while my parents when you a high school reunion. We were chilling out by the pool when the chair sitting next to me scooted away from the table. I saw it happen & it freaked me out & my sister heard it & we were both scared. Idk why but I always just assumed they’d never go outside & so shit like that

-random objects can go missing & then appear right before your eyes, but not before you turn the house upside down first. I think they enjoy seeing us frustrated & it ticks me off

-we will hear people talking sometimes but you can’t really make out what they’re saying. If it’s more than 1 voice then it’s always a guy & girl’s voices

-I get touched by them the most out of my family & I fucking hate it. Get your fake dead hands OFF my body I do not like you. I’ve been touched in my house & a few times when I was hospitalized, & once this year at a guest house on vacation. The weird thing about the times in the hospital were that they all happened on the left side of my body. Hands down the worst part of it is when I can feel the size of the hands so I know if it’s a child or adult. & for some reason, ghosts like to touch you 1 finger at a time, 0/10 would recommend

-in my dad’s old house he said he could feel someone sitting on his bed with him & could even see the indention. He said he thought it was his Papaw. But when we go there I almost always get an unsettling vibe

-I made sure to save the best for last! This is my worst/scariest experience & I really hope my cousin doesn’t see this because it happened when they were here. But the younger one was in my room already asleep so I was just chilling on my phone in the dark. My phone illuminated the room just enough so I could see a few feet around me & I saw the girl at the foot of my bed. She had on that stupid white dress & her dark hair hung over her shoulders & hid her face. Then she grabbed the footboard & acted like she was about to fucking crawl up so I noped the fuck out & turned off my phone & proceeded to hide under the covers. Then I just… went to sleep? I mean I’ve been used to that shit all my life but I have no idea how I slept after that. I knew that if I got my mom then it would wake up my cousin & she’d know that something weird was up so I just ignored it the best I could. But you bet your ass I told Mom the next day

Like I said, I have a lot of stories & there’s still more I could share, but most stuff is pretty insignificant & I forget what exactly happened, but stuff does happen. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of shadows & I really hope that there’s nothing in my new apartment. But yeah, sorry this got so long!

[crazycrackersworld]

Today at 1:30 p.m. my Aunt Theresa passed away. She had been in the hospital with pneumonia and covid for about 2 weeks they never could get her oxygen where it was supposed to be , and couldn't get her to keep food down they couldn't fix her.

Just a couple weeks ago we were all together in her house throwing her a birthday party for her 70th birthday my Uncle Mike came down from Colorado and had surprised her the place was full of family and friends and laughter joy and happiness and none of us knew what was right around the corner. None of us had any idea what events were going to be getting to unfold within a week or so and I don't think we would have believed it if someone told us.

She got sick thought it was pneumonia she was dealing with it and I'm one night my Uncle Jerrry couldn't get her up out of the bathtub she didn't have the strength to do it on her own and he couldn't help her so he called the ambulance and they took her to the hospital and that's where she stayed.

And in that amount of time Uncle Jerry spent two stays in the hospital of about a day or two each before getting sent home on cousin Tim went to stay with his dad to help him out but clearly he was sick right away he's been in the hospital since this past Monday hopefully he gets better.

My mom did not pick a real winner to be my biological father since I've never met him since he pretty much ran and disappeared as soon as he found out she was pregnant. So for the first few years of my life my mom's family stepped up and between my five uncles and my grandfather it was like I had six dads and between my mom and my grandma and my two aunts it's like I had four moms. Everybody helped, I learned different things from everybody and I consider myself very lucky to have had all those people in my life.

A lot of times people in the family made jokes all my Aunt Theresa not being The brightest bulb on the tree or the sharpest knife in the drawer it was always done out of love. In reality was she the smartest person no, she wasn't the dumbest either she did have a tendency to forget things or get things wrong and we just chalk that up to being Theresa.

But despite any of that or any shortcomings she was one of the kindest most caring most generous people I've ever met in my entire life. She truly had a beautiful soul and had a way of lighting up a room when she walked into it almost always in a good mood even when she wasn't in a good mood. I remember her smile and her laugh I remember how even as an adult when she would come back to Wisconsin to visit after moving here to Arizona and she would see me it was like just taking a look at me just brightened her day.

I had made the decision to not move back to Wisconsin permanently and and to stay here for the foreseeable future couple weeks before her birthday party and I only told a few people cuz I wanted to keep it a secret because I wanted to tell everybody else at her birthday party I wanted to tell her at her birthday party it was kind of my present. And I remember the look on her face when I told her she didn't look like a 70 year old lady she looked like like a little girl who had just gotten the doll she wanted for Christmas or the piece of candy she had begged for all day and she gave me the biggest hug and she was so happy that I was staying. And now I'm here and she's gone and it does not seem fair or right I am hurting more than I have in a very long time.

My cousin Jeanette lives in Maryland and Tim even though he's here obviously as I mentioned he's in the hospital. And so my Uncle Jerry who isn't in the greatest health in the first place is all alone in that house because he just lost the love of his life and I honestly don't know how long he'll last without her. I always thought my Uncle Jerry and Aunt Theresa would be one of those couples that once one pass the other one would just kind of give up and die of a broken heart soon after. Because they loved each other that much. I'm sure their marriage wasn't perfect, they had their problems and their issues with both of the kids but they stayed together through all of it neither one of them ever gave up on the other one neither one of them ever quit. They had the kind of marriage that I always hoped one day I would have.

Obviously my love life has not turned out that way, but seeing them together still always gave me hope and I guess it still does.

I can't list all of the things that I am going to miss about her so I guess the only proper way to say it as I'm going to miss everything about her, just everything. I'm going to miss everything about her.

There was a time in my life where I had moved out of Mayville didn't tell anybody where it went and I distanced myself for my mom and my dad and as I was slowly beginning to patch that relationship there were a few times that I did reach out to my Aunt Theresa for help for a ride somewhere you know maybe even a few bucks for some groceries and she never judged me she never lectured me she gave me the ride or she borrowed me the money she was always there for me.

I'm not saying other members of the family weren't I'm just saying the entries that was a little different she almost felt like a second mom sometimes let's face it I probably needed more than one mom i'm kind of a bastard.

So today at 1:30 p.m. I I lost one of the most beautiful people that I have ever known and I am here in what is still a foreign land and I feel so alone and I'm trying to be strong for my mom and she just lost her sister and I'm trying to be strong for my Uncle Jerry because he just lost his wife and he's worried about his son and I am trying to be strong for him because he just lost his mom and he's in the hospital sick with what most likely killed her.

So I try to be as strong and resilient in front of everybody else as possible when inside I am just falling apart cuz it's something I can't make better I can't fix this and I want to I want to fix it so bad.

So I will probably cry myself to sleep after drinking half of my jar of moonshine and I'll wake up tomorrow and I will try to hold him to tears so I can be there for my mom and everybody else because right now they need them more from me and I'll just have to keep my grief inside as much as I can and realize that other than family nobody really cares if I'm broken or not.

But for everything that she ever did for me, heck for me Lisa and Katana at the beginning, the least I can do is be strong for her sisters and her brothers and her children and her husband. The least I can do to honor her memory is to be there for everyone else like she was always there for me.

I don't know about everybody else in the world but she seemed to always see the Best in Me even when I was screwing things up left and right she always Saw the Best in Me. Two summers ago and her and my Uncle Jerry were up in Wisconsin they they picked me up from jail to take me to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and then to basically break the law and take me to Sue's apartment so that I can give Sue some contact information and some other stuff cuz we really haven't been able to talk cuz I didn't have any money on my books. And even when I walked out of the jail and she's standing there I mean there was no judgment there was nothing she was just happy to see me and happy I was safe. I mean one of the most lowest points in my life where I'd screwed up just about as much as you can she just hugged me and told me she loved me.

And that was my entries I know her kids might have some criticisms and they might not think she was always the best mom and maybe Jerry might think she wasn't always the best wife and maybe my mom and my Aunt Margaret and my uncle's might not think she was always the best sister but I can tell you she was just about the best a screwed up kid like me could ever have and I thank God that she was in my life and I wish she was still here.

For me myself I can definitely say that my life has been better having had her in it and it's going to be a little emptier now that she's gone and I hurt so much I do I hurt so damn much I miss her already.

Oh God I hope I get some sleep tonight, some good sleep unbroken nightmare free but I don't see that happening.

Because of all the covid stuff I mean Uncle Jerry was able to get my Aunt Margaret and my mom in to say goodbye to her but that took a lot of arguing apparently. I was at work and nobody wanted to tell me what was going on because I wanted to make sure that I was safe and it was paying attention to where I was driving and I understand all of that I do but I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

So I guess that's what I'm going to do right now I'm going to say goodbye. Auntie Theresa this is your nephew Sean, I am so sad to see you go and I am going to miss you so much. But I know you were really sick and I know you were really scared and I know you were in a lot of pain it is cliche as it is I am glad that you're not in pain anymore I really am. But the selfish part of me wishes you were still here because I don't want to say goodbye I don't want to lose you I don't want you to be gone forever because forever it's too long.

I'll do my best to keep an eye on Tim and Jerry and even Jeanette I'll do that for you because I love you so much I just love you so much. And it hurts so bad that you're gone. And I just hope that I can keep making the positive changes in my life that I know you were so proud of I'm so proud to watch me fix myself and I just want to know that you're looking down and you're still proud of me. That'll mean a lot.

So until we meet again someday goodbye my sweet sweet aunt I hope it's peaceful where you are, and that Grandma and Grandpa were waiting for you and that you weren't scared.

And in addition to goodbye, I love you Aunt Theresa I'm going to miss you....

Love Sean

May you rest in peace

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #446

“so you can throw me to the wolves  /  tomorrow i will come back, leader of the whole pack”

Favourite cheese? American. Superman or Batman? I know literally nothing of Superman, but I like Batman. Who are your best friends? The only person I consider a best friend is Sara. Name the 3 most important people in your life: My mom, Sara, and... I suppose myself since I cherish my mental health VERY deeply. Are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments? No. Do you know anyone who is overly flirty with people? Girl or a boy? In my personal opinion, yes. I do believe it's possible to be "overly" flirty, considering you can really lead people on. It's a she. Do you believe vampires are real? Not the stereotypical Twilight kind. No. Have you ever been to a porn website? Were you addicted to it afterword? No. I'm really not into that. What is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? I think the most disgusting thing anyone can do is commit rape. Would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? Which one seems best? I feel teleportation is obviously more convenient and useful in dangerous situations. Have you seen the movie Twister? Did the tornadoes look real to you? LKJFL;AKSDJFKLASJDLFKA;WE NOOOOOOOOOO. I am WAY too terrified of tornadoes to watch that. Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? Hurricane Floyd was pretty devastating. I was too young to really remember it, though. Did your mom ever fix your eggs and bacon into a smiley face as a kid? She probably did. What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? BOJANGLE'S, AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet Earth? I mean, it's possible, but I don't know. Do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? I didn't know they stopped. Does it bother you when people burp around you or do you do it too? I couldn't possibly care less, it's a natural bodily function. Just because of societal standards though, I don't burp in public, though, but only around family and close friends. What is one kind of music you’d do anything to not listen to in the car? Anything like rap that has a STUPIDLY loud bass that just annoys everyone within a ten mile radius. When was the last time you babysat, if ever? Did anything bad happen? A year or two ago, for my nephew. No one else was free to watch him, so I had no choice. Nothing bad happened, besides nearly having a panic attack. Do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? Or is that weird? No. Even Sara and I don't do it, because I'm too self-conscious of how I look. Even though she's seen me plenty before irl. Would you ever consider becoming a scientist? Why would you or why not? Well, I majored in biology briefly... I wanted to be a wildlife biologist. I just adore animals and thought I could do it. I just couldn't handle school. When is the next time you’ll talk to the cousin you’re closest to? I'm not especially close to any of my cousins. Are you really into vintage things? Have you ever been into that stuff? Yessss! is writing something that you enjoy doing? Definitely. Would you rather read or write? Write. Would you rather draw or take photographs? If I wind up being very proud of the product, I prefer drawing, but I take pictures far more. When was the last time you cheated at something? I have no clue. Has anyone ever copied off of your homework assignments? I think so? Do you have any pictures of celebs saved to your computer? ... *stares at my folder labelled "Mark"* What would you consider your favorite holiday? Why is this? Christmas. I love the whole vibe of it. The weather, the smells, the treats, my niece's and nephew's excitement... I adore all the lights and decorations, the gratefulness for family and your loved ones in general... I just love Christmas. If you’re a girl, do you have big hips? Too big? I'd say my hips are normal. Girls, do you think you look good in dresses or not? God no. Not anymore. Have you ever taken a pottery class before? Nope. How many times have you seen Star Wars? Be honest. Once. I didn't like it. Has your best friend ever made you cry? Yes. But in her defense, we've both made the other cry. Have you ever entered a talent competition? God no, I ain't got shit to flaunt. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? Yes. If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark colour or a light? And if you wear mascara, what colour is it? I only ever wear black for both of those. What is your favourite Christmas movie? Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. What do you get complimented on the most? My Markiplier tattoo, actually. What do you think of your best friend’s ex? One I REALLY don't like, the other I'm neutral about. Are you biracial? No. Do you have Pop-Tarts in your house right now? No. We try to not buy them, given they're just TOTALLY empty calories. They don't fill me at all. Is anyone’s birthday coming up? No. Does/did either of your parents serve in the military? No. Do you like sour candy? I LOVE sour candy. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Alaska, to see the Northern Lights. Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? I haven't driven in well over a year. Hell, maybe two. But no, because I'd need prescription sunglasses. Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? God no. Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yeah. What time do you usually have dinner? 5:30-6:30, usually. What’s your favourite meat? Chicken, I think. What is your favourite meal of the day and why? Breakfast. I just enjoy breakfast foods. What colour is your shampoo? White. Tell me a silly little old wive’s tale you believed when you were a child: My older sister got me to believe that if you said a word a ridiculous amount of times, it'd be the only word you knew how to say anymore, lmao. Shut up, I was little. What was the last magazine you bought? Do you subscribe to any? I don't buy magazines. Whose Facebook profile did you last look at? Was there anything that caught your attention? Uh, that's a good question. Do you regret your last relationship? Not at all. What’s better, mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes? Mashed potatoes, though I'm picky with them and the texture. Did you ever used to make cookies, cakes, or pie with your grandma? No. Do you like kids? Not especially. They ask too many questions and can be really rude, even though I know they usually don't mean to be. What are you listening to? I'm watching Gab Smolders play Dino Crisis 2. I finished her playthrough of Final Fantasy X, so now I feel a void in my soul that I am trying to fill with a new series lmao. Do you burn incense? Not really anymore. I'm not against it, I just... haven't. What is your favorite kind of cracker? Cheese-Itz. Can you name a single song by Billy Joel without looking it up? Yeah; I can name a few, actually. My dad loves Billy Joel, so I heard him a lot growing up. "Piano Man" is a classic. Do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]? I actually really like the Jolly Rancher ones. Have you ever been kissed while sitting atop the hood of a car? That's actually possible... but I'm not sure. I think I have a faint memory of lying on a car hood with Jason before. What do you think is the dumbest/tackiest piercing? I don't like calling a piercing either of those, like if they make someone feel more confident and attractive, good for them. I can say I'm personally not a fan of the smiley piercing, though. Have you ever requested a song on the radio? No. When I was a kid at a birthday party, though, one of the girls did. Does your mother still take care of you if you get ill? She helps a lot, yeah. What is one song that always brings back memories every time you hear it? Honestly, too many. I attach way too aggressively to songs. Do you currently have any pimples? Not currently, no. Did anything disturb your sleep at all last night? Ugh, yes. I couldn't sleep for shit. How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? I have only seen one picture of Jason with the girl he dated after me and it. Set. Me. On. Fucking. Fire. It's pathetic. If you’re not in college, why? All it did was give me emotional breakdowns. What do you think about MTV? I am way too out of the loop on what goes on on any TV channel to answer this. What was your very first day of your very first job like? What’d you do? How long did it take you to get the hang of it, and feel comfortable with working? This was waaaay too long ago... All I remember is actually being hopeful, though nervous. I never got to the point of feeling comfortable there. Or at any job. If you have a dog, are they friendly to strangers or other dogs? We don't have a dog, but we do have a cat that is EXTREMELY skittish around strangers. Someone he doesn't know comes through the door? He's bolting to hide. Do people ever comment on or joke about your driving? Well, I got flipped off once by a driver, so... I'd consider that a silent comment. I, to this day, don't know why they (it was a group of guys) did it, but it's stuck with me. What was the last thing to move you? Are you easily moved or inspired? The ending of FFX alsdkfjkaljlkwjer. And yes. If you`ve ever seen your very favorite band, did you cry when you saw them? Was it like a dream come true? If you`ve never seen them, do you think you would? I haven't, but I probably would a little bit. Of all the reality competitions you’ve watched, who are some of your all-time favorite contestants and what shows were they from? From America's Got Talent, I adore(d) Landau Eugene Murphy Jr., as well as Prince Poppycock. I keep up with them both on Facebook. Ever had a friend named Alex or John? One of my closest online friends was Alex. A couple years ago she just... got a boyfriend and fell off the face of the earth. Are you happy with your relationship status? I mean... no, I'm ridiculously lonely, but being single is for the best right now. What kind of stuff do you like on your hot dogs? Just ketchup and mustard. Have you ever been in a spelling bee? No. What is the most annoying thing that your parents do? Mom absolutely always assumes she's right. Dad repeats himself like CRAZY. Would you say you’re someone who has good manners? Yes. Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? Actually, the doctors couldn't determine mine (or any of Mom's kids') because my legs were ALWAYS crossed when they did ultrasounds. Mom says she "knew" I was a girl, though. Have you ever been addicted to something unhealthy? I'm addicted to caffeine, yes. Who makes the best desserts in your entire family? Hm, I dunno. Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? I have very severe sleep apnea that results in very violent nightmares almost any time I sleep without my APAP mask. Even WITH the damn mask, I have them a lot. When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? *shrug* Do you have trouble reading small fonts? Yes. I used to find it aesthetically pleasing, but my vision is just too bad now, even with my (shitty) glasses. Do you know anybody that believes that magic/witchery truly exists? I think so. Do you find watching animals in their natural habitat to be exciting & fascinating? Absolutely!! The last time you had sex: did you want it, or did the other person want it? ... You know it's supposed to be a mutual desire, right?? What does your sibling(s) call you? "Britt." Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? Maybe? I'm unsure. Did/do you believe them? Hell no. I don't believe in psychics and believe people who claim to be so are manipulative pieces of shit. Is anything annoying you right now? I am bored to an inexplicable level askldjfla;wejlr. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Yeah. Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? No. Have you ever felt abandoned? Well yes. By definition, my dad abandoned our family. Where are you? I’m in my bed. What’s been the worst part of this day? I've just been so, so bored. I'm sick and fucking tired of dealing with anhedonia. Who last encouraged you to better yourself? My therapist.

[anne-white-star]

Exchange student modern au jon pertwee x reader: Studying abroad

Notes: reader is a student from the netherlands she's 20 years old (jon is 24) and goes to england to studdy. She goes to frensham heights school and meets there jon pertwee as her asigned student for the year. It may not all be acurate but please enjoy reading jon lives in rowledge (this is an au and probably not completly acurate)

Words : 2488

Warnings : bullying, cursing

Y/n was working on her degree in (prefred feeld). Her year of studying concidered also of studying one year abroad, she was extremly exited about it

"Do you have everything dear?"

"I think i do don't worry mom everything will be alright"

"Alright just wanted to make sure, here is your ticket for the train"

"Thanks mom" She hugged her " once i arive i'll call alright

"Alright, take care my dear "

"Take care mom" y/n ran to the train while waving "bye!"

"Bye sweetheart!!"

The wissel went off and a few seconds later the train started to move she kept waving at her mom, once she was out sight y/n sat down it was going to be a long ride.

She had to get from the netherlands to belgium to France and then to London england but she had brought some stuff to sketch a bit the ride was about 7 u 47 min.

Y/n drew the landscape around her sketching with difrent kind of colors

Finaly after almost 8 hours the train had finaly arived, packing everything back up y/n grabed all her things and got out

She had to wait for an other train to frensham cause there was the school she had to go to

Once the train had arived to bring her to frensham y/n sat down again it was going to be about an other 2 hours oh wel she thought its better than biking everywhere.

Late that afternoon y/n finaly arived at frensham heights school the princable greated her " Ah you must be y/n y/l/n" he shook her hand

"Yes thats me" she smiled

"I hope the ride went wel here"

"Oh yes it did everything went alright and the trains were on time"

"Good, you will be staying at a room for one night and tomorow you wil go back home with one of the students he has already been informed of your stay"

"Alright great" she picked up her suit case "please show me the way" about 30 minuts later y/n was seteled in the room, she wasn't going to pack out everything also because of tomorow. She grabed her phone and dialed her mothers number

"Hey mom"

"Hey sweetheart have you arived?"

"Yes i got here about 30 minuts ago and im now in my room where i stay for the night"

"Oh for the night? I thought you would stay there for the whole year"

"I do but they informed me that i would stay with a student for the year"

"Do you know who it is?"

"Not yet they will tell me tomorow"

"Alright wel i don't have to worry about you your 20 years old dear"

"I know mom its fine really, Anyway i should be going i have class at 9 tomorow"

"Alright sweetheart sleep wel"

"Night mom" She hang up And placed the phone on the bedsite table "wel Its time to sleep" she grabed her pyjama out her lugage and put it on, then she went under the blankets and went to sleep

*time skip to 8 o'clock next morning*

Y/n got out of bed and started to dress her self breakfast was waiting then she left her room to eat

"Good morning sir"

"Ah good morning y/n did you sleep wel?"

"Oh yes i did "

"Good im glad to hear that, breakfast is waiting for you it might be difrent from what you normaly eat"

"Oh thats alright im not making a big hassle out of it as long as it is bread its fine"

"Alright then once school starts you will be inform who you wil stay with"

"Thank you, see you later sir"

*skip to 9 o'clock*

Everyone had sit down for class and y/n walked in with the teacher

"Good morning everyone we got a new class mate she is an Exchange student from the netherlands please introduce yourself" the teacher stept aside

"Hi im y/n y/l/n and i hope we will have a Nice year with echoter im really looking forward to it"

"Good miss y/l/n do you know yet who you are going to stay with this year?

"not yet im suposed to get the info today"

"Alright the student you wil be paired with is mr pertwee" the teacher pointed at a guy with big grayish blue eyes dark brown wavy hair and he was wearing a school uniform "you can sit right next to him "

"Alright thank you sir" y/n sat next to mr pertwee

"Hi my name is jon its Nice to meet you y/n "

"Like wise"

"Please grab your english books and turn to page 45"

The day went by fast

"Oh now i don't know who im going to stay with this whole year"

"Y/n You are staying with us"

"Oh... we i guese that we should get my stuff then "

"Good idea, please lead the way" jon grined

"Here is everything"

"Three suitcases and a bag i have seen girls who brought more"

"Oh wel that doesn't really mater i only brought things that i would need, and i got my school uniform today"

"Ah i see, we should go i bet my aunt is waiting for us"

"Alright lets go" They grabed everything and went out

Once they arived home they went up the stairs jon opend the door

"This will be your room for the upcoming year"

"Oh its absolutly wonderfull" she looked around on the otherside of the room stood a desk and a big closet

"The bathroom is down the hall first door on the left, i leave you be so that you can settle your stuff"

"Alright thanks jon i'll be down in an hour"

Finaly an hour later y/n was done with packing out and placing everything in the right place , then there was a knok at the door

"Yes?"

"Hey y/n I just came to tell you that dinner is ready "

"Oh thanks jon im coming with you" she stood up and followed him

Y/n sat next to him at the table "jon i have a question, um where are your parents? "

"They devorced and they don't want anything to do with me anymore so i moved in with my aunt"

"Im so sorry jon i din't know"

"Its fine y/n don't worry" he smiled softly

"Hello everybody!" Came a voice from the front door

"Hi bill, y/n This is bill my cousin"

"Nice to meet you" she shook his hand

"Like whise"

After dinner Everyone went to bed early to get a good night of sleep, the next day was going to be a long day

*time skip to four months later because im to lazy *

"What lessons do we have today ?"

"Um english, biolgy, art , music, history and french

" and Tomorow ?"

Mathematics, science, sport and geography

"Alright noted"

Once they arived at school they went to their class room

"You go in jon i need to check something"

"Alright"

"Well wel wel if it isnt the Exchange student" y/n turned around and looked at a girl and there where two more behind her , y/n knew her of course she had been there already for four months

"what do you want erica" (Im sorry if it is your name you can change it if you want)

"Oh don't try to be all smart and stuff you know what i want and don't think you get a chance with jon, he's one of the best looking boys in the school and he will be mine"

"Honestly i don't mind i only stay at his place, in 6 months i'll be going back home"

"Good because he wil never like a whore like you, now bye" she fliped her long blond hair over her shoulder and walked away while her friends followed while snikering

Y/n signed and looked down "he's just a Friend Anyway" she mumbled while walking back to class

Once she was back in class she sat down next to him "what took you so long" he wispered

"Sorry i could't find my book" it was a lie of course, y/n doesn't want to talk about the struggels she's having with erica, and stuppid enough she's in the same class as her so she always has to look at that dumb face

Y/n Her thought were stoped by what the teacher was saying "as we all know we have a ball at the end of the year and because its you guys last year here you get to decided the theme of the party"

Erica raised her hand "Oh what about a party with lots of alcohol" she grined

"No erica alcohol will not be tolareated" said the teacher

"Whats the fun then if there is no alcohol tsjk" she scold

"Sir what about an all decade event everybody can dress up from the 40s thill now, difrent food will be served and all kinds of music will be played"

"Thats a Nice idea miss y/l/n" People around the room agreed with her idea

"Tsk sounds boring" erica said and her friends agreed

Y/n got angry but calmed her self down "wel if you think its boring please come with a better idea im curious to hear it" she said with a smile, erica went quiet and turned away

"Alright then its setteled this will be the theme of our ball it will be held 6 months from now"

*skip to the end of the day*

*sigh* "im glad this day is over" y/n sat down on the coutch

"Me to" there was a pauze between them "you know y/n Im really proud of you how you handeld yourself in class

"Thanks jon"

"Are you ok?"

"Oh yes i am, im just tired" she stood up

"What Are you going to do? "

"I have to call my mom to sent some of my stuff over for the party"

"Alright im going to make dinner"

Y/n went upstairs and called her mom "hi mom"

"Hi sweetheart Hows everything going ?"

"Everything is fine ..... mom i was wondering if you could sent some stuff over here"

"Sure thing what do you need?"

Could you pack my hair curler some of my make up, my black evening dress with glitters, my 1930s evening coat, the silver high heels i bought with the dress a and the ear rings and necklace i got from grandma ?"

"Sure thing i will sent it in a big box anything ells?"

"Oh yes my trolley i have to take my stuff back home as wel so thats the best idea i guese"

"Alright i noted it i will look everything up And sent it to you"

"Thanks mom love you got to go now"

"Love you to sweetheart speek to you later"

"Bye" she hang up And went back downstairs to eat.

About a month later everything had arived that she would need to dress up

*time skip to 4 months and 20 days later*

The bulying got worse and worse, y/n had been atacked, spit on and called names but never had she imagined that jon would go to the dance with erica.

She had done her hair but stoped with everything els it just wasn't worth it she would rather stay here at home, jon already left a bit sad by the news y/n don't want to atend

*knok knok* the door opend "hey y/n?"

"Oh hi bill"

"Whats wrong"

"Jon has gone out with somone wich i din't expect him to go with"

"Who?"

"That stuppid bitch Erica"

"Really with her? Goodness i expected better from him"

"Me to" she sniffed

"Hey don't give up now there is still a chance come on get dressed chop chop"

"Are you sure I mean..."

"Yes 100% sure you are way more pretty than her come on "

"Alright if you say so.... but how am i going to get there?"

"I have a car"

"Alright give me 30 minuts" y/n started to get dressed put on her necklace, ear rings and shoes she then did her make up, she grabed her long coat and walked out.

She opend the door and heared a car horn

"Hey y/n over here" it was bill he sat in a old black vintage car "here is your ride my lady"

"Why thank you kind sir, lets go" she steped in and sat down

Bill started the car up And drove away

"Thank you so mutch for the help i really need that"

"Its nothig everything for a friend, now come on lets go i also have a date"

Everything was nicely decorated and music was playing, people were dressed up in all Difrent kind of dresses and suits, a table stood against the wall where there wer all Difrent kinds of food it looked all So good

"Look there is jon"

"Alright thanks bill" she hugged him and walked to jon who was dancing with erica, people looked at her as she walked acros the dance floor she tapped his shoulder "hey jon"

He turned around " hey y/n I thought you were going to stay home "

"Bill convinced me to go anyway so here i am" the was caught of guard by a cough from behind her

"Im sorry but jon is my date so shove it you whore"

"Excuse me what did you say?"

"You heared me"

"You know what fuck you its a wonder jon would even want to dance with you, do you even know how miserabel you made me feel this past year, you are also 19 years old you really should be more mature" She was caught of guard when erica shoved her " I get it now you are jelouse of me for staying with jon get a grip, come on jon lets dance" she took his hand and walked to a chair and placed her coat on it, then her beautyfull evening gown got revealed

People stared at her "y/n you look absolutly gorgeous"

"Thank you" she blushed

"May i have this dance "

"Of course jon"

Jon leaded y/n to the dance floor and they both started to do the walz

"Y/n i have to tell you something"

"Tell me jon what is it"

"Well i really enjoyed this year with you staying and i wish you could stay longer, but y/n Im really realy in love with you and i wish i had told you ealyer "

"I love you to jon i really do"

"May i give you a kiss?"

"Sure" she smiled softly at him, He leaned in and gave her a kiss

"Perhaps i can stay a little longer but i need to inform my parents first"

"Thats all fine with me"

"Lets hope they don't mind"

"So do i" he said smiling

And both danced the night away

The end

I hope you enjoyed reading 😊

[ifantasyfreak]

Percy Jackson X Avengers

Steve Rogers is Percy's Grandpa and Bucky Barnes is Nico's Brother...this is gonna be messy!

Some powers are made up and not from the original book, also ilatics = different language

Why am I doing this? Why why why why why...My college in New Rome wants us to do a family tree thing, both sides. I asked my mom about her side, but she said that only her own mom would know the full history. Her mom, my grandma, was Grandma Peggy Carter. I didn't like going to meet her too much, not because she was mean or something, but because she was so sick, it hurt to see her in pain and hooked up to all those machines. I loved her too much to see her in pain. Annabeth was too busy to come with me. I would have to face this alone. I reached her room.

"Hey Grandma..." I said softly. She smiled weakly when she saw me. "Hello Perseus, come give Gammy a hug." she said, holding her shaking hands out to me. I gently hugged her. She was the only one who could call me Perseus and I'd still be comfortable with it. "How has College been?" she asked me as I sat down beside her on the chair. "It's been pretty normal. Atleast it's in Latin, so I don't struggle too much. They've given us an assignment, the family tree. Mom said you would know more." I said, pulling out my notebook from my back pack. She nodded, sitting up with my help. "My mother was a daughter of Hekate, as in the Roman form of Hecate. My father was a Magician, Egyptian Gods descendants." she started. "Wait wait wait! There's Egyptian gods too?!" I exclaimed. She chuckled and nodded. "If you think that's surprising, then this will shock you. My grandfather was a son of Thor." my eyes bugged out. Norse gods too?! "So you're telling me that I'm the descendant of not only Greeks, but Romans, Egyptians, AND Norse?!" I asked her. She nodded. "How is that even--you know what? Never mind. What about my grandfather?" I asked her. She had a wistful look in her eyes. "Your grandfather was Steve Rogers, or more publicly known as Captain America." my eyes widened. "I'm the grandkid of a World War 2 super soldier?" she smiled and nodded. "Ohhh this is messed up but then again, when in my life are things not messed up" I started muttering under my breath. She squeezed my hand. "Steve was a kind man, he always fought for what was right, and he always fought for the weak and stood up to the bad people. He never got to know I was having Sally before he went into the ice. I kept wondering...if he had known about her...would he have stayed with us? Would he have fought harder to come back to us?" she said. I smiled sadly. "Wait, if we go by your logic, then shouldn't mom be like, atleast 60?" I asked her. "She was Steve's daughter, wasn't she? The serum somehow made her age slower. She's still young, she's got a lot of life left to live, even though she's supposed to be so much older." "Does mom even know about all this? She used to say that grandpa left a long time ago..." I said softly. Grandma smiled sadly. "I told her that. It was easier to tell her that her father left us, rather then to tell her that her father died saving 40 millions of lives to keep a military secret. She doesn't know why she ages slowly, but since she has you, she doesn't seem to care." "Can I tell her?" I asked. She thought about it. "I supposed she's old enough to know now." I nodded. After spending a bit more time with her, I was getting up to leave when there was a knock on the door, just as she fell asleep. I looked over as the person walked in.

The guy was huge, tall, buff, he had blonde hair and baby blue eyes. He wore brown pants and a white t-shirt (that seemed a bit uncomfortable on him) with the word 'S.H.I.E.L.D' stitched on it. Wasn't that Grandma's company? "Uh, hi." I said uncertainly. "Hello." he stood there while we looked at each other awkwardly. He finally looked at Grandma. "Oh Peggy..." he said softly, sitting on her other side and holding her hand. Who was this guy? I looked at the photo frames on Grandma's table. There was a man who looked similar to him, but extremly thin and fragile. Was that his brother or something? I wish it was in colour so I could figure it out dang it! I picked up the frame and analysed it. "Hey, uh, you know this guy?" I asked him, holding up the frame. He looked down with a small smile. "I think that's me." he answered. I looked back and forth between him and the photo, trying to figure out how they were the same person. "I went through a...surgery. Made me what I am right now." he said. How the heck did he get so buff after one surgery?! "So, uh, what's your name?" he asked me, trying to smile. "Percy Jackson. Yours?" "Steve Rogers." he said. I froze. I looked down at my book. I had written the name correctly. Oh god... "You're my grandpa!" I exclaimed. He was taken aback. "Sorry kid, but I think you're mistaken." he said. "No! Grandma Peggy said that you're my grandpa!" I exclaimed. He looked at Grandma with confusion. "You mean...?" "Yep. The night you guys got hanky panky was the night my grandma got pregnant." I said, internally throwing up at the thought of Grandma and Grandpa getting intimate. He blushed. "You didn't really leave, did you?" I asked. He had tears in his eyes. He shoke his head. "No...I just got frozen in ice for 70 years..." he whispered. Grandma woke up then. She saw Steve and started crying in happiness. They hugged and I left the room to give them privacy. I held back my own tears, their reunion had been beautiful. I texted my mom, saying I really needed to talk to her about something important. She told me that she'd come meet me at a cafe near the hospital in 30 minutes. I nodded. Just as I was shutting my phone, Steve came back out.

"Can I meet my daughter?" he asked softly. "Yeah sure, but I'll have to go explain that you didn't actually leave and stuff. Come to this address in 45 minutes." I said, showing it on my phone. He pulled out a notebook and wrote it down. Gosh old people nowadays! "Ok, see you then." he said. I nodded. It was pretty awkward. Do we part with a hug? A handshake? I did a Leo. I gave him a salute and then ran out. I could hear his chuckling as I was running, and slightly smiled. I met mom and I told her about Steve. She was moved to tears. As soon as Steve walked inside the restaurant, I pointed him out and she ran with tears and hugged him. She only reached his chest, but that didn't matter. Steve looked wide-eyed. I smiled as I walked to him and mouthed 'your daughter'. He understood and hugged her back. She pulled back a bit and he cupped her face. "Oh, my beautiful girl..." he said softly. Mom hugged him again and he rested his cheek on her head while holding her tight. Then he held out a hand to me, and I grinned, joining the hug. Then we all sat down on the table once again. Mom and Steve were glowing while they talked. It started getting late. "Well, I need to go, Annabeth's probably waiting for us at home." I said. Mom nodded, also standing up. "Do you have anywhere to stay?" she asked him. He shoke his head. "I was planning on crashing in a bed and breakfast for a few days. My new boss is giving me some time off before I move into his building and start my job." he answered. "Come stay with us!" Mom said brightly. It took a bit of convincing, and then he finally agreed. We went home together in a taxi. The only reason why I didn't go home on Blackjack was because I wasn't sure whether or not I could tell Steve I was a demigod.

"Annabeth! We're home!" mom called as we took off our shoes and put the keys on the bowl next to the door, walking into the living room and sitting on the couch. "I never did get to ask, who's Annabeth?" Steve asked us. Annabeth came then. "Hey Perce, sorry I couldn't come with you today." she said, smiling sympathetically, coming over and side-hugging me. "It's alright. Though you won't believe what I got to know!" I said, giving her a chaste kiss. I heard Steve gasp softly at our exchange. Right, I don't think people did PDA in the 40's. "Who's this?" Annabeth asked, looking at Steve. "Uh, yeah, that's what I found out. That's my grandpa." I said. Annabeth didn't even question why he was still so young, she simply ignored it because of how complicated our lives are anyways. "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Steve, Percy's grandfather and Sally's father." Steve said, holding out his hand to shake Annabeth's. "The pleasure is all mine! I'm Annabeth, Percy's girlfriend." she said, smiling and shaking his hand. They seemed alright. "What's for dinner? I'm starving!" I stated. My stomach rumbled as I said that. They laughed while I blushed. "I made some pasta. Is Nico gonna stop by?" Mom asked us. "Not really sure, but didn't Hazel say she and Frank were coming from camp today?" I asked, looking at Annabeth to confirm. She nodded. "Great! The house will be filled with happiness and love and laughter!" mom said, gushing. We smiled at her. "Stella! Stella where are you?" I called out, walking into the apartment. I heard a squeal of delight and she crawled over to us. I scooped her up into my arms happily. "There's my best girl!" I said, tickling her foot. "I thought I was your best girl." Annabeth said, fake pouting. "You're BOTH my best girls!" I said grinning. "And what about me?" came a voice behind us. I turned around to see Hazel. "Um, you too!" "And me?" came Frank and Nico. "Oh give me a break you guys aren't even girls!" I whined. They all laughed. "Hello, I'm Steve, Percy's grandfather." Steve said, introducing himself to them. They switched titles around. "Hello, I'm Hazel, Percy's cousin." "I'm Nico, Hazel's half brother and Percy's cousin." "Hi, I'm Frank, Percy's friend, though we act like we're brothers." "Yeah, the gang's big. When were they gonna come over again?" I asked Annabeth. "I think they're all coming by tomorrow lunch time." "Guess we're gonna have to prepare, huh?" my friends all got the double meaning. We were gonna have to prepare for monsters. "Holy shit!" Nico exclaimed with his mouth hanging open, staring at Steve. He switched back to Italian. "Neeks, you went back to Italy." I said, smirking. "That's Captain freaking America!" he exclaimed in Greek. "Gosh, now you've gone all the way to Greece!" Hazel stated. He was almost bursting with excitement, similar to the way he used to when I first met him. Our Nico was back! "Captain America! Huge fan! Thank you for saving us all sir!" Nico said, finally, in English. Steve smiled a bit. "I was just doing my part." he said, while Nico enthusiastically shoke his hand. "No, no, you don't get it! You saved my brother's life!" Nico said. We all looked at Nico confusedly. "You have a brother?" "Yeah! He's from the 40's too! Always took care of us, they said you were his best friend!" Nico said, smiling hugely. Steve looked confused now, as did the rest of us. "They said he got captured and then you saved him from that factory!" Nico said, trying to explain himself. Steve's eyes lit up in recognition. "You're welcome, I guess. Which friend was this again? Sorry, I'm blanking out, there were a lot of people in that factory who were close friends." Steve said, trying to remember. "James Barnes!" Nico said enthusiastically. Steve froze. "Wait...you're his Italian brother who lived in a different city he always talked about?" Steve asked him. Nico nodded happily. "I'm sorry...but he fell off a train when we went to attack an enemy base shortly after...but how are you still alive? He said you were 10." Steve said, confused at the last bit. Nico cocked his head to the side in confusion. "What do you mean he died? He visits me every weekend." Nico said, ignoring the question. "I'm sorry, but I don't think that's possible." Steve said. Nico rolled his eyes exaggeratedly and looked at my mom, who was just as confused as the rest of us.

"Can I borrow your phone Mrs. Jackson?" my friends refused to call her Sally or Mrs. Blofis. "Sure." she said, handing it to him. "Annabeth? Um, can you type the number?" he asked. Annabeth rolled her eyes and took the phone. Nico narrated the number and then Annabeth gave him the phone. Nico out it on speaker as it rang. A few seconds later, the line picked up, but there was no greeting on the other end. "Hey Wint, it's me, Death Boy. Can you come over to the Seashell's right now? There's someone you should meet." Nico said. Then he cut the call. "Shouldn't you have waited till the person said something to cut it off?" Hazel said, not pleased by his manners. "He never says anything on the phone. Says it could be used against him. We have code names for everything for that reason. He knows I call from different numbers so that I can't be tracked." Nico said, shrugging and handing back the phone. "Before whoever you called comes over, you didn't answer the previous question. If you that same Nico then how are you still so young?" Steve asked. "I got stuck in a time-less hotel. Thought I was in there for only a few months, turns out, it had been 70 years! I am a 100 year old man stuck in the body of a teenager." Nico said, rolling his eyes again. "Should we really trust him with the demigod stuff?" Frank asked us. "Guys! This is America's golden boy! Of course we can!" Nico said, like it was obvious. We cracked up at his description. "How is this even possible?" Steve muttered under his breath, rubbing his temples. "You got stuck in ice for 70 years without aging a day. How is that possible?" Nico retorted. "I guess we could tell him. As long as he swears on Styx." Annabeth said. Nico actually squealed. "Right, Steve, we have to tell you something." Just as Hazel was finishing that sentence, there was a thump on the fire escalator. Nico grinned. "James! In here!" Nico called. "Is it like a family thing to turn up through people's fire exits only instead of doors?" I said. Before he could reply, a tall brunette walked into the room. He was wearing all black and his face was covered with a ski mask. His hair was shoulder length, and his left arm was literally metal. The guy stopped in front of Nico and then took off his mask and revealed his face. Steve gasped while standing up. "Bucky?" he asked the man. Bucky? Didn't Nico say his name was James? The man turned and his face looked annoyed. "Who the hell is Bucky?!" he said in a low, dangerous voice. I didn't even realise that my hand slipped down into my pocket and wrapped around Riptide. The other demigods did the same. "James! Calm down! That's your nickname, remember?" at this point, I was glad that mom had taken Estelle and gone to put her to sleep, and Paul was out for a 3 day teacher's conference cross state. I had a feeling things were gonna get messy. "Who is this guy?"

“He’s your best friend from the 40′s!” Nico said happily.  “I think I would have remembered if I had a friend.” James said roughly.  “You don’t remember me half the time, how would you remember your best friend if you can’t remember your own brother?” Nico said, rolling his eyes. James flinched.  “Alright, you got a point, kid.” James stated. “Wait, what do you mean he can’t remember stuff? Does he have amnesia or what?” Hazel asked Nico.  “He got brainwashed by some people.” Nico said flatly. We gasped.  “Do you want your old memories? And to be sure that this brainwash machine won’t affect you again?” Annabeth asked James.  “I don’t see how you’ll be able to do anything about it.” he said flatly.  “Answer the dam question.” I said, glaring at him. I could see that he flinched slightly. He looked at Nico and Steve.  “...yes.” he said, sighing.  “Then I can help you.” Annabeth said.  “How?” he asked her.  “Daughter of Athena. We’re mental.” she said without humor.  “Wait! What’s going on!” Steve exclaimed.  “Dad, they’re helping him. Just sit back, it’s gonna be alright. I promise they’ll explain afterwards.” Mom said, coming from the rooms and sitting beside him.  “Seaweed Brain, make sure he doesn’t move. Hazel, mist. Nico, Frank, this is gonna take power, make sure that we don’t get ‘interrupted’.” she was talking about monsters. We all nodded. We took our positions. Annabeth stood next to James, I stood on her other side, Hazel stood next to Mom, and Nico and Frank took defensive positions near the window and door. I took a swing of water and put down the bottle on the coffee table. Steve was still looking nervous and doubting us. I expanded my senses and when I opened my eyes, the colour was swirling around like a storm was going on. The water on the bottle formed into the shape of my hands. I mimicked them holding onto James and he was stuck in place. I could see that he was trying not to panic. Then Annabeth’s eyes opened and the grey started swirling as well. I’m pretty sure we looked terrifying. She put her hands on James’ temples.  “This might hurt a little...you have to try to not fight it.” Annabeth told him. He nodded slowly. Annabeth focused on his mind and did her mind thingi. She didn’t ever mention she had powers. It was just a given that Athena kids didn’t have extra powers like some other demigods. So to hear that she had these powers she didn’t tell me about? Well...I felt kinda hurt. But now was not the time to argue. Yep, I’ve grown slightly mature...but only in tense situations like these. Pretty soon, Annabeth was clenching her teeth and wincing, while James bit his lip so hard that his lip started bleeding. I was struggling to hold him properly. And then hell broke loose. Frank and Nico charged at the door, which burst open and made 3 empusa’s come in. Hazel joined as well. Steve was trying to help as much as he could, but he was out of his league. Mom went to go get Estelle and her own Celestial Bronze weapon.  “Annie! It’s getting harder to hold him down!” I said through gritted teeth. I had to take a step ahead and physically hold James down. All of a sudden, it was done. Annabeth dropped her hands and fell on one knee while panting hard, and I crawled over to her gently.  “You ok?” I asked. She nodded.  “A little help here?!” Frank called out. I focused on the monsters they were fighting. I focused on their blood and felt it’s flow.  “I’m gonna freeze them. Take your chance.” I said. They nodded. I did as I said. The monsters froze. My friends stabbed their swords through them and the monsters burst into golden dust. They all collapsed onto the couches again. Nico approached James. 

“James?” he asked softly. James caught his breath before answering.  “Not James...Bucky...” he answered. He looked at Steve.  “Did you do anything stupid?” he asked with a playful tone. Steve’s face lit up and they both met in the middle in a hug. I craddled Annabeth in my arms. She seemed...terrified... “What’s up?” I asked her softly.  “He’s scarred almost as bad as us...” Annabeth said softly. I went still.  “That can’t be possible...we went through Tartarus, Annie. No human can ever be as bad as us.” I said. “He is a demigod...but...he had it almost as bad as you...he was tortured...he was constantly brainwashed...he was forced to kill innocents...” Annabeth slowly listed off. With each thing she stated, my mind made images. I could see this guy facing something so horrifying. His expressions showed that. He did experience all of that. We wisely stayed quiet. He turned to us.  “Thank you, Daughter of Athena. And Son of Poseidon.” Bucky stated with a thankful smile, in GREEK.  “How did you know me?” I asked him. He pointed at his eyes. I nodded slowly.  “Ok, now explain to me what happened exactly.” Steve demanded.  “I’ll go get the snacks.” Mom said, already knowing that he was in for a long ride.  “We’re demigods. As in offspring of God and Human. And yes, Greek gods do exist.” I stated. Steve nodded slowly once he finished processing that.  “Let’s officially re-introduce ourselves. Bucky Barnes, Son of Hades, God of Death.” Bucky stated. “Nico DiAngelo, Son of Hades.” “Hazel Levesque. Daughter of Pluto, Roman form of Hades.”  “Frank Zhang, Son of Mars, Roman form of Ares. God of War.”  “Annabeth Chase. Daughter of Athena. Goddess of Wisdom” “Percy Jackson, Son of Poseidon. God of Water.” Steve rubbed his fingers on his temples. He gave a sideways glance to mom.  “How did you manage to attract the god of water to you?” he muttered under his breath. All the demigods heard and cracked up. 

[betweentheseseams]

For Christmas, my aunt gifted me a DNA kit. I’ve always thought they were a bad idea (Where is all that info being stored? What unethical things can a company owning the rights to so much DNA possibly do? Why do white people need to know so badly how white they are, to the point that we created the ultimate Buzzfeed survey to confirm our whiteness? (If you didn’t know, Ancestry/23andMe and the like aren’t especially helpful for non-white folks, due to lack of testing in largely non-white groups. There’s a whole lot more to study on that and I highly suggest you take the time to read up on it)). That being said, most of the adults in my family have done the tests, mainly to appease my aunt, who is essentially our family historian and takes her role very seriously. I had considered the idea of doing one over the years. I never met my biological father. My mother separated from him before she realized she was pregnant with me, and although he was aware that she was pregnant and I had been born, there was no communication there and she met and married my stepfather shortly after I was born. He was my dad growing up, until I turned 18 and we became estranged, after I realized how incredibly toxic he was as a person and he basically disowned me when he discovered I wasn’t interested in following his rules and very racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, and highly uneducated ideas. It caused a lot of issues within our family, but for the most part things have been relatively calm in the 10+ years since.

Fast forward to Christmastime. I had expressed interest in finding out if I had any other siblings, as well as my medical history, to my mother and my aunt. I wasn’t particularly interested in knowing anything about my biological father. Over the years, my mom has mentioned that he wasn’t a particularly good person when they were together, and the last information she’d heard of him was that he’d been arrested for arson at some point in the late 90s. I’ve never really given him much thought, and, as a child, whenever anyone realized that my stepfather wasn’t my actual biological dad, I was extremely vocal in pointing out that I only considered my unknown biological father as the “Sperm Donor”. But the idea of possibly having other siblings, and wanting to have a more complete medical history was compelling enough to me that I sold away my spit and rights to a company.

Come March, I got the results back and sent my aunt a text so she could connect me to our family tree in the app. She immediately went into super detective mode, and within a day found my biological father and several other family members. She confirmed that I didn’t have any other siblings, besides the two I already have, and that I had a living grandmother, several aunts, and a few cousins. She sent me photos, articles, and social media links, and I expressed to her that it was very overwhelming and while I appreciated it, I needed time to process it all. I tentatively went to my biological father’s Facebook page that he shared with his wife, and was extremely underwhelmed by what I saw. This man, a stranger to me, could’ve rivaled the dad who raised me in his ass-backwardness. He might possibly be the only MAGAmaniac in all of Vermont (obviously not, but you know what I mean), and as I already wasn’t interested in knowing him pre-test, this basically confirmed to me that he wasn’t someone I wanted to know. When you’re already a card-carrying member of the Shitty Dads Club™️, do you really need another one?

And that was that. I basically wrote that part of my life out of my mind, as it didn’t have anything to do with me or my day-to-day. The knowledge of having a living grandmother wasn’t appealing to me, as my Momaw (stepfather’s mom) passed four years ago, and was the most amazing grandma and best friend I could have possibly asked for. I feel lucky that I was able to have something SO good come from that connection, along with my two siblings. I don’t need another grandparent because I hit the fucking jackpot of unconditional love and support and guidance with Momaw. I didn’t feel like I was missing out by not knowing anyone else from my paternal biological family, either, as my mom is the youngest of 10 and my family is already massive as is. So it all came as a bit of a surprise when my aunt messaged me out of the blue in early July to inform me that she had taken it upon herself to reach out to my biological father and not only inform him of my existence (which he already knew about), but also sent him photos of me, along with my phone number. Something I neither wanted nor gave her permission to do. Something I hadn’t even expressed interest in. And after telling her yet again that it was overwhelming, she continued to allow this line of communication to stay open, and brought my mother into the mix.

According to my biological father, he apparently believed both my mom and I were dead. He says my maternal grandmother told him that the two of us had died, and he sunk into a deep depression over it, which has followed him for the past 29 years. Never mind the fact that he was in contact with a couple aunts and uncles over the years and so obviously knew that my grandmother had lied to him (if she ever even did so. We can’t know, as she passed when I was 3), or the availability of the fucking internet and basic Google search. In his own words, my aunt reaching out to him and “informing” him of the existence of his nearly-30 year old daughter “blew his whole world open”. Insert infinity eye roll emojis here.

As you could already tell, I was both upset that my aunt broke my trust in such a huge way, and thoroughly unimpressed by what she was sharing from him. I spoke with my mom about it several times, expressing how much my aunt had hurt me and frustrated me with her actions, and her choosing to take matters into her own hands and speaking for me. That might be the biggest annoyance for me of all, that she for some reason felt compelled to speak on my behalf for something I had no interest in or desire to explore, and took the option of some anonymity from me. My voice is my most important belonging, and having someone deign to speak for me infuriates me. And although my mother listened to me expressing how upset the whole thing made me, I found out a week later that she herself had been in contact with my biological father.

That was a kick to the ribs. She and I had spent years working on and building a relationship of trust and support, after a childhood and early adulthood of never being able to trust her. She was largely absent through a huge portion of my life when I needed her most, and it has taken years for me to build up my trust and faith in her. If you had told me ten years ago that my mother would become my best friend and confidant, I would have laughed my throat raw. But life is funny, and she did. And then she broke that trust in such a painful way, even after hearing how much my aunt’s choice to reach out to my biological father caused a massive rift between us. And Mom chose to create her own. For the first time in years, I didn’t want to speak to or see her or hear from her. I made that clear to her, and kept my distance until I could calm myself enough to speak to her without saying something that could irreparably damage our relationship. I reiterated that I had no interest in knowing my biological father, that I didn’t want to hear from him, and that it was a huge betrayal by her to continue speaking to him and fostering any sense of hope in him that I wished to have anything to do with him. Although things have been tense the last couple weeks, she and I have slowly been working through it.

And then tonight, as I arrived at work, a text from an unknown number popped up. A long text, from my biological father, who chose to ignore what my aunt and mother were supposed to have told him, that I didn’t want to have any contact. He introduced himself and reiterated his story about my maternal grandmother lying to him about Mom and I dying, said he wanted to get to know me and show me all the love he has for me, and that from what he’s heard I’m a lot like him. Things that I have no interest in hearing, don’t take to heart, and don’t feel particularly moved or motivated by. And I’m just. Exhausted.

Exhausted.

I don’t want this connection or half-assed truths or unbearable weight of expectations that have come to land so heavily on my shoulders.

When you sign in to take your DNA test, there is a disclaimer that you might find out information that could be upsetting and lead to more questions than answers. That continuing with the test could cause problems in your family and person life.

They weren’t kidding.

[searchingwardrobes]

My Problems with Once and Adoption/Foster Care

Ya’ll know I love this show, and I love the character of Emma Swan. BUT . . . their portrayal of adoption and foster care - particularly the adults who care for these children - leaves much to be desired. The thing that especially saddens me are those in the fandom who buy into their portrayal without question. I recently started another fic that throws adoption agencies under the bus. I don’t fully fault writer’s. After all, the source material is flawed, and we all want to write Emma in character. However, I just hope I can give you another perspective.

Why in the world am I qualified to talk about this? Well, let’s see . . .

* My cousin fostered to adopt all three of her children, two of them brothers.

* My sister pursued adoption for several years before deciding to embrace being, as she puts it, “the best aunt ever” instead.

* My best friend waited ten years to adopt her precious daughter. She went through the heartbreak of caring for her first child - a son - until his birth mother changed her mind at the last minute before the adoption was final. 

* We have a close family friend who is like an “extra grandma” to my kids and her adult daughter was adopted at birth. 

* My sister in law and her brother are adopted.

* My husband’s youngest brother and sister were officially adopted by his dad after he married their mom.

* Another close friend of mine adopted her twelve year old daughter from The Philippines two years ago. She was born with her mouth fused shut, no feet, and no hands. I tutored this little girl for a year, and I love her to death! 

* A friend of mine who is now in her sixties put her daughter up for adoption when she became pregnant at fourteen. The girl found her as an adult, and they have now forged a relationship.

* Another friend of mine is fostering her niece while her sister is in rehab. Right now, it looks like it may become permanent.

This isn’t even an exhaustive list of all the people I know who have fostered and adopted. These all span multiple locations as well.  I know it’s not the same as going through it myself, but all of the above people are dear to me and it hurts me deeply to see their way of life misrepresented. 

So here are just a few things that I want to point out concerning the plot on Once:

1. Domestic infant adoption in the US varies state to state, but it basically goes like this:

* If a birth mother decides to pursue an adoption while she is still pregnant, it is HER decision who gets her baby. If she goes through an agency (most common), she will get to look through profiles of potential adoptive parents. This is important to remember, PLEASE! The birth mother chooses the parents, not the other way around. If it’s a private adoption, she usually finds out about the parents through friends, family, or acquaintances, but the choice is still hers. Therefore, if Emma had decided to put Henry up for adoption before he was born, as the show implies, she would have been the one to pick Regina out as his adoptive mom. 

* The birth mother can decide to meet the birth parents or never meet them. The birth mother has the right to ask for financial assistance for everything from maternity clothes to counseling after she gives the baby up. The only thing illegal is the mother can’t “sell” her baby. In other words, she can’t make a profit off the adoption.

* The birth mother also gets to decide if it is a closed adoption, semi open, or completely open. Even in a closed adoption, the child has the right to the birth parent’s medical records when they come of age. Open adoptions are on a scale. Some birth mothers attend birthday parties and have regular visitation. Others let the child decide on contact when they reach a certain age. Sometimes they send letters each year on the child’s birthday. There are dozens of arrangements the birth mother can come to with the birth parents, and it all gets spelled out in a legal document.

* The only time an infant is placed in foster care is if the birth mother decides after birth that she doesn’t want the child. This is always temporary. Infants are either returned to the birth parents or are adopted. THERE IS NO GROWING UP FROM INFANCY IN FOSTER CARE! Now, a child can be taken away from their birth home at a later date due to neglect, drug abuse, etc. But no kid is born into foster care. There are thousands of parents in the US waiting for an infant to adopt, more than there are babies to adopt. That’s why it took my best friend TEN YEARS to find her daughter. That’s why when a baby was abandoned at the Atlanta airport a few years back, hundreds of parents called family services wanting the child. The boy had a home (which became permanent) within 48 hours. There is no way a healthy, beautiful baby girl like Emma would have been put in that group home like we saw in season two. At worst, she would have been placed with foster parents temporarily until the waiting period was over. (See below)

* After the infant is given over to the birth parents, there is a waiting period. During that time, the birth mother can change her mind. This varies wildly from state to state. Here in Georgia, it’s two weeks. In Pennsylvania, where my best friend lives, it is an entire month. On day 30, my best friend had to give her son back to his birth mother. I can not convey to you the pain she endured. Having said that, I’m glad birth mothers have the freedom to change their minds. I would never want to go back to the 1950s when babies were ripped from the arms of their devastated mothers who were given no say in the matter. On a side note, some adoptive parents opt to let the baby go to a temporary foster home until the waiting period is over so they don’t go through heartbreak if the birth mother changes her mind. My next door neighbors chose that route when they adopted their daughter, but remember in Georgia, that’s only two weeks. With my best friend, she felt a month was too long and she was willing to love on that child even if it was only for a month. 

* Even after the waiting period is over, the adoption is not official until the parents stand before a judge. Legally speaking, this is more binding than birthing a biological child. In other words, there is no going back. No returning the child. No exchanges. No refunds. Which brings me to . . . 

THE SWANS GIVING EMMA BACK: If Emma was legally adopted, this would be impossible. She states that she was three when it happened, making it even less credible to me. The only way this would make sense is if they were foster parents who never legally adopted her. It is true that foster parents sometimes decide to stop fostering when they have biological children, but adoption? Nope. (Not to mention the show later claimed that Emma chose the last name Swan herself when she was 9 or 10, so .  . . )

2. The cost of adoption:

* I don’t know where the idea comes from that it’s expensive for a birth mother to give her baby up for adoption. The adoptive parents pay for everything, as I stated above, or at the very least, they pay the medical bills. This doesn’t mean it’s EASY for a mother to give up her baby. Props to Jen for portraying Emma’s agony so well in season three! However, just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision for the CHILD. Obviously, my friend who is now in her sixties was unable to care for a child at 14, when she was a child herself! She was thrilled to hear her birth daughter tell her about the happy home she was raised in. Like Emma tells Henry, birth mother’s give their children up “to give them their best chance.” It is a selfless decision.

* It IS expensive to adopt - for the adoptive parents. There are legal fees, fees for home inspections (which expire and have to be redone yearly), travel fees, medical fees (not only maternity for the birth mother, but physicals for them, their children, and even their pets), and then additional fees if they are paying an agency. This is a simplified list, honestly. A friend of mine had a blog when she was adopting her sons from Ethiopia, and her list of paperwork that had to be filed was mind-boggling. 

RUMPLE ARRANGING HENRY’S ADOPTION: Considering all of the above, it had to be an illegal, black market adoption. That does exist  -however, it’s usually foreign, not domestic. Nine times out of ten, however, they just swindle couples who are desperate to adopt. But you know, Once writers . . .  

3. The reasons parents adopt or foster:

* Inability to conceive - this has to be number one. It’s the reason my best friend adopted, and it’s the reason my sister pursued it for so long. One sad thing? The most common reason for infertility is a disease called polycystic ovarian syndrome. One of the symptoms is weight gain, regardless of diet or exercise. Yet guess what many countries require for you to adopt? A “healthy” BMI. Meaning women with PCOS have an even harder time adopting.

* Compassion for orphans - This is why my friends adopted their daughter from the Philippines. They have two biological children, but when they thought about the millions of orphans in the world, they felt led to share their home and family with a child who did not have one. I know several people who foster for the same reason. They aren’t doing it for a “check from the government.” (And fyi, the government gives them most of that “money” in the form of food stamps and other public benefits that often only covers the bare minimum.)

* A need in their family - My friend who took in her niece had just come upon her “empty nest years,” but she couldn’t look the other way when a three year old little girl was being neglected because of her mother’s addictions. She and her husband were then back to pull ups (the mother hadn’t even attempted potty training), preschool cartoons, and teaching the ABCs. Their niece also had spent so much time in an exersaucer that her legs were crippled and she still couldn’t walk. They had to pay for braces on her legs and physical therapy. But how could they turn away their own flesh and blood? (By the way, she is now five years old and thriving!)

REASONS TO ADOPT ACCORDING TO ONCE: To fulfill your own needs and soothe your own loneliness. I’m not saying there aren’t awful, selfish people out there who adopt for that reason, but I ask you: How many people would be willing to go through ALL the difficulties I described above for selfish reasons? It just doesn’t make sense. And frankly, it is insulting to the many adoptive and foster parents that I know and love. 

4. Regardless of all of the above, adopted kids DO struggle at times.

* Mary Margaret tells Emma in season one that Henry has the same question that all adopted kids do: “why did my real parents give me up?” (I’m paraphrasing, but you remember this scene, I’m sure). This is actually true. Pretty much every family I know who has adopted, their kids have gone through this at some point. No matter how loving a home they are raised in, this question inevitably comes up. Some kids (or adults) meet their birth parents and find peace : they really weren’t able to take care of me, they really did want what was best for me, they did it because they loved me. For others, meeting their birth parents is painful. Yet none of that means the adoption wasn’t the best choice or that the adoptive parents were awful to the child (like Regina).

* Is the foster care system in the US flawed? Yes. There are too many cases and not enough social workers. Children fall through the cracks, some of them have tragically died. However, if you actually look into the facts in such cases, children are most often injured or killed not by foster parents, but by their birth parents. Usually it is the system’s failure to remove children from dangerous homes that is the problem, not cruel foster parents. There are also not enough foster parents for children who need homes, with older children being the hardest ones to place. Many of these kids are suffering from severe trauma and caring for them isn’t easy. Typically, the reason kids are bounced around in the system is because their parents keep regaining custody, loosing it again, regaining it again, etc, etc. By the time the parents either get their shit together or relinquish custody, the kid’s a preteen or teen. So my question for Once is:

WHY DID EMMA GET BOUNCED AROUND? She was put back in the system at three, but we don’t see her again until she’s eight or so at the movie theater. Do you really expect me to believe they couldn’t find a home for adorable, sweet, smart little three year old Emma? My sister would have adopted a little girl like that in a heartbeat! She wouldn’t have cared that she was three. We’re told that Emma kept running away, but at three? 

No way little Emma was incapable of being adopted. I just don’t buy it. Since adopted kids have issues even in loving homes, why couldn’t that have been the writer’s narrative? Couldn’t Emma’s adoptive parents simply died at some point? In my opinion, the whole thing was just lazy writing.

[purplesurveys]

1244

1. Have you ever seen two movies at the theater in a row? No. I don’t think I have the attention span for that, regardless of how much I enjoyed the movie.

2. If you were to go to Starbucks right this second, what do you think you’d order? Iced Americano and maybeeeeeee a chocolate cheesecake or their barbecue chicken sandwich.

3. Do you own any dice? Yes.

4. Do you like to wear cardigans? I do like them and wish I had more because I think they suit me, but it’s not really a priority either.

5. If I were to ask you nicely, would you please consider making a survey for me and everyone else? I can try but will probably quit halfway through because I’m not super good at coming up with questions that haven’t already been asked.

6. What is the worst thing a child has ever done to you while you were babysitting? None of my cousins ever misbehaved towards me when I had to look after them. The worst thing I saw was a kid punching my sister in the stomach, but he cowered as soon as I came over and begged not to tell on him lmao.

7. If you wear contacts, do they tend to get really dry after only wearing them for just a couple hours? I don’t wear contacts and am generally not a fan of the idea of dropping things in my eye haha.

8. Have you ever watched any British television shows? Like...Mr. Bean? Lol sure, I guess. I don’t watch a lot of it though.

9. Do you own a nightgown? No. I don’t see it as a necessity.

10. If you could get any pet right now, what would you? I’m more than ok with my two dogs.

11. Have you played Grand Theft Auto: IV? If so, what do you think of it? Yeah I’ve played every game in the series. I don’t have too many memories of GTA IV though...my favorites were mainly San Andreas and GTA V.

12. How often does your internet disconnect? With our old connection it probably went out once or twice...a year maybe? It definitely didn’t run into a lot of issues. But we recently switched our service to one that’s able to provide a much quicker connection, but it’s been a bit of a compromise because it has issues a bit more often than the one we used to have; it goes out for a few hours several times in a week, which can be a hassle for my work from home setup.

13. Have you ever actually been stuffed into a locker? No, our lockers were too small to stuff a person in them.

14. Do you / did you decorate the inside of your locker at school with stuff? I didn’t. We weren’t allowed to.

15. How many teenagers do you know who have babies? I don’t know teenagers with kids now, but I have several classmates from high school who gave birth when they were in that age range.

16. Is there a fan in the room you’re in right now? Yup, mine is always on unless I was purpose wanted to sweat my ass off.

17. Do you believe that chivalry is really dead? No but it should be, as should any sexist institution predicated on the idea that only men are real people. <

18. If you have one, what’s your favorite novel by Chuck Palahniuk? I don’t have any.

19. Do you get your surveys from your subscriptions page or do you actually go to specific sites and search for them? Tumblr, or Bzoink if I can’t find any interesting ones from here.

20. How much is your cell phone bill each month? I use prepaid, so this doesn’t apply to me.

21. And why the heck is Cingular now AT&T? I really don’t care.

22. Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? It was possible, as a kid.

23. Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? This one, definitely. It was easier to do this hahaha.

24. What’s the coolest thing you’ve made with Legos? I was never creative. I only made towers.

25. When you make a survey, do you answer your own questions? I’ve never made my own survey.

26. If you could keep your parents or trade them for other parents, which would you pick? Ugh this question is so cruel...I would change my mom’s personality, I guess. I don’t know if I’m willing to trade her.

27. Do kiwis make you think of testicles or is it just me? No, I don’t think about kiwis ever.

28. Do you think it’s cool how peroxide gets all fizzy when you put it on a cut? I don’t think about this either.

29. Is there a piggy bank in the room you’re in? No.

30. If I had the power to give you one thing right now, what would it be? A loaded bank account.

31. Do you want to get pregnant right now? Not now, but I do want to be able to have this experience someday.

32. Do you know anyone who doesn’t like the internet? My grandma hates the whole tech thing and has refused to learn anything beyond the landline phone.

33. Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? My late grandpa did and paternal grandparents do. Like I said, only my maternal grandma hasn’t bothered to catch up with gadgets.

34. Have you ever housed a friend for a long period of time because they had no place to live? No, and I’m not sure if this is something my mom would be receptive to. If I had my own place, I would do this for a friend in need in a heartbeat.

35. If you have a favorite comedian, have they ever been in a movie? I don’t have a favorite comedian.

36. How many sets of twins do you know? Three off the top of my head. Two sets from my high school, and the other set were my classmates in an English class I had in college.

37. Has anyone ever made fun of you for using proper grammar? I don’t think so.

38. Do you own any hemp jewelry? Nope.

39. Have you ever cut carpet with a carpet cutter? No, I didn’t even know that that’s an actual thing, so thanks for the new information.

40. Are there any books you want to read? I’m not really eyeing any book. Haven’t for a while now.

41. Is it before of after 3 pm? Before, I guess. It’s 4:03 AM.

42. If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? I can be of my sister. I have virtually no relationship with my brother.

43. If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? I’m the eldest. 44. What are your plans for New Year’s Eve? I don’t plan that far ahead.

45. Would you like a beer? Eugh hate beer no thanks.

[roguebotanist]

I’ve been playing around with talk to transformer today and thought it would be fun to extend a bunch of sim bios! I think someone may have done something similar recently, but I’m not really sure. Anyway, here’s every sim in Strangetown (bolded parts are their original bios). Long post ahead:

Loki Beaker

As soon as he perfects his latest invention, Loki is sure to get the recognition he knows he deserves. In the meantime, he keeps himself busy by trying to assemble a nuclear reactor out of common household items. During one of his experiments, he accidentally melts the family dog. Realizing that his so-called tools of destruction are so harmless, Loki gladly takes his pet back home and happily adopts it. Fearing that the strange creature will cause more damage if he is ever left alone, Loki goes to great lengths to keep it, including stacking hundreds of baby chicken eggs in the backyard.

Circe Beaker

Circe knows 238 different ways to make someone scream, and none of them are nice. She enjoys taxidermy and collecting coat hangers. She has a wonderful knowledge of names and an affinity for Hallmark, which is why all her books are centered around Christmas and spring holidays. This is particularly important to her, as her whole life is completely shaped by them. The children love to ask questions about things, and they are able to make up as many of the answers as they like. Do you have a huge embarrassment problem? One of Circe's known phrases is 'Where's the finger in your back pocket?'.

Sometimes in the garden, she prances

Nervous Subject

His hobbies include twitching and blinking a lot. He's also fond of travelling and baking. Along with the broad and meaty teeth of a canine, St George the giant groundhog has a day-old beard and a partial gingivitis – which is the inflammation of a plaque inside the teeth. His beard and gingivitis don't hurt his routine; they just mean he's a bit slower and a bit more circumspect.

That's because he's aged.

Olive Specter (yes, it gave her stats)

Olive will stop at nothing to get what she wants. She spends her time collecting mushrooms, sharpening sticks, and excavating her yard. As you might expect, she has a big appetite, and eats anything that she thinks is good enough for her. She's as much of a carnivore as you are, and is able to catch fish or birds at the least opportunity. She doesn't bother with plants, and prefers to live in areas full of food.

Alignment: Neutral evil

Hit Dice: 1d8+2

Speed: 30 feet

Ophelia Nigmos (this one is unsettling and strangely coherent)

Ophelia's hobbies include hypochondria and monitoring the air quality. She worries about the future... and the past... and the present. Especially right now.

Her past memories have become like mantras, repeating over and over in her head. They are the most important thing to her. This time, she's not sure she will remember them the way she did before. She's aching to go back and erase her past.

That which is most important to her--the things she left behind--has been forgotten. And nobody can help her. Nobody.

PT9 Smith

The only thing PT9 loves more than his lawn is his family. When he is not spending time with his children, he enjoys clipping coupons and staring up at the sky. Over the years PT9 has found his place in the aquarium world. He has helped educate people on different types of fish and he has hosted various education seminars for clients who have "fish stories" to share. In his spare time, PT9 enjoys spending time with his wife and his grandchildren.

Jenny Smith

Jenny loves having a career, but she wishes she could spend more time with her family, and maybe make some new friends. She really likes green. She wishes she had more friends. She wishes her mom would talk to her more often. She wishes she had nicer hair. She wishes her nose looked like a horse's. She has a lot of sympathy for humans and hopes to see one in the future. Jenny is a cross between a cat and a dog with a medium build, no special traits, but that means she's got a lot of muscle and a huge body

Johnny Smith

Johnny dreams of being the hero that rides in on a white horse, or at least a cool sports car. He'd go on to become the worst Superhero in all of space and time, which I guess is exactly what a normal, human teenage boy would do.

Jill Smith

When Jill closes her eyes, she sees dolphins. She has her heart set on becoming a deep sea welder someday. She loves dolphins so much, she's often put one in the trunk of her car and hit the gas to cheer her up.

"I love them so much," Jill declares. "I'm a Dolphin Lover."

Pascal Curious

No matter what happens, Pascal believes there is a logical explanation for everything. In his free time, he practices home psychoanalysis and collects conspiracy theories. He's become adept at opening jars containing creepy little bones or fragments of jellyfish, an odd skill in the world of ponysaurus hunting.

"I have been extremely lucky with bone fragments and that's not even being exaggerating," Pascal said.

Vidcund Curious

Serious and exact, Vidcund strives to fit the universe into a nice tidy package. He has an unnatural fondness for African violets. He is literally covered in them, from head to toe, if not technically. This is an odd love-hate relationship, a love-love and a hate-hate; that leaves us to sit and imagine the potential war between the vine and the earth.

Lazlo (”Twilight”) Curious

Not as studious as his older brothers, Lazlo got his degree in Phrenology. He likes to call phone psychics and spends hours trying to bend forks with his mind. His middle name is "Twilight" because his father was a vampire. He hates flowers.

General Buzz Grunt

The General likes to have his clocks set to military time. He used to enjoy barbershop quartet singing, but that is classified information. It's unknown when he fell in love, but it's possible that he was one of the first humans to understand the concept of love.

Tank Grunt

Tank Grunt wants to be just like his old man. He spends his days lifting heavy things, dodging imaginary bullets, and being bigger than the other guy, but deep down inside, he wonders if anyone really knows who he is. He hates it when his grandmother wants him to call her "Mama" and his grandma is pissed, and he just wants to stay in the dark and get away from the boring world around him. If he could just learn to love himself, he'd be unstoppable.

Ripp Grunt

Ripp totally doesn't care what you think of him. He is going to do whatever he wants to do, which is mostly what everyone else is doing. He has this whimsical desire to show off his tattoos, even though they give me nightmares (sometimes it feels like these tattoos are like a big torture device). He is hyperbolic and outrageous and uncouth and rude to the point that he's almost comical.

Buck Grunt

More than anything else, Buck wants to be a pet stylist to the stars. He spends a lot of time wondering why his father never seems to notice him.

"I want to have big hands and big feet, and I'm hoping I'm going to end up a couple of feet longer than my parents are," Buck said. "My Dad tells me a lot of things like, 'My son is going to be that guy who gets attention by the funnest side of you you've ever seen.' "

Cousins' health makes him optimistic about his prospects

Ajay Loner

To pass the hours, Ajay enjoys counting the grains of sand in his backyard. He may be about to blow his last few thousand, so he worries no more. "You can always count them. You just have to keep on keeping on," he says.

Chloe Curious

The complete opposite of her sister, Chloe just wants to meet new people and to have a good time. She can often be found daydreaming or chatting on the phone. She is very positive and has a creative mind, a big help when composing mean tweets. She always makes sure she keeps her emotions under control and is not too outgoing in social situations.

Lola Curious

Intelligent and focused, Lola knows what she wants and how to get it. She enjoys politics and telling those around her what to do. She keeps her enemies close and keeps a close eye on her enemies' backbones. Her love of Doctor Who and her interest in exploration drive her to travel the galaxy.

Erin Beaker

Erin spends a lot of time working on her psychic powers. Of course, she isn't really psychic, but don't tell her that. Erin's already a pro at picking out great dates with potential future partners. Nothing beats having a psychic date.

Kristen Singles

Kristen envisions herself as a world famous sports champion. She doesn't particularly care for Strangetown, but it's only a pit stop on her track to greatness. As much as she hates to admit it, her talent has never been in question, but that's not stopping her from strutting and parading around town in a T-shirt advertising her skills. She's no longer treating her sport as a game, but instead is obsessed with her prowess as a self proclaimed "muscle mom."