#because ive never had better odds than i do right now

[conanssummerchild]

my parents will do absolutely everything for my sister, cater to her every need, and then chastise her for not being able to do things on her own, and they'll ignore my every concern and then chastise me for not asking for help

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

[ginnsbaker]

fic: if i bleed (you'll be the last to know) (8/?)

Part summary: Leigh heads off to Palm Springs with Danny, while you grapple with what to do about your feelings for her.

Pairing: Leigh Shaw x Fem!Reader, temporary Leigh x Danny | Word count for this part: 5.000+ | Warnings : Slight angst | Author's Note: No, I did not forget about Danny still not being honest with Leigh and R not tattling on Danny. Just let these loose ends dangle for a while. Anyway, enjoy! :)

Masterlist | Part I Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Next part

-

The morning after you gave Leigh a puppy for her birthday, your phone is flooded with texts from her, filled with questions ranging from vaccine schedules to the best chew toys. She shares a story about how Rogue, their previous dog, had always been Matt’s, and how she often felt left out of his care. Now, with Logan, she feels a full sense of ownership and is eager to get everything right.

You still flinch slightly whenever she mentions her late husband. It’s as if she forgets that you and Matt had something significant too, as if you weren't once the secret he kept close. Sometimes, you wish you could just erase his presence, simplify everything about your relationship with Leigh. 

But you recognize that it’s selfish to wish him away, because Matt was a significant part of Leigh’s life, a major influence on who she has become. And who she is today is a lovely person—someone you've come to admire very deeply.

[6:20 AM] Leigh: Logan’s an angel, slept through the night.

[6:35 AM] Leigh: So, house training... how do I make sure Logan doesn’t turn my bed into his personal bathroom like he did five seconds ago?

You grimace at the message, picturing the hassle of laundering the sheets and possibly needing to call a cleaning service for the mattress.

[6:54 AM] Leigh: And shots? Rogue was all up to date because Matt was on it, but I’m clueless. Where do I start?

As you work your espresso machine, a grin spreads across your face, the kind that makes you feel like a complete fool but in the best possible way.

[6:56 AM] You: Good morning! You’re lucky I don’t bill for text consultations 😆

You typically charge $18 for a twenty-minute chat with a client.

[6:58 AM] Leigh: Oh. How much do I owe you? I want to pay.

Your smile falters a little at her missing your joke.

[6:58 AM] You: I was just kidding. Your texts are more than welcome, Leigh.

Feeling bold, you follow that up with something you've been wanting to make clear since last night.

[6:59 AM] You: This is what friends are for, right?

Waiting for Leigh’s reply feels like an eternity, and you're about to send another text to walk back your hint at friendship when your phone vibrates.

[7:00 AM] Leigh: I’d feel better paying. Can I drop by the clinic later?

Reading her message, you're hit with a rush—excited at the thought of seeing her, yet downhearted she's talking about paying, as if that's what's between you. But then, those little typing dots appear. You're practically holding your breath.

[7:00 AM] Leigh: We’re friends, which is why I’m paying.

It's a good thing you don't have a roommate, or else you'd never get away with grinning like an idiot at your phone. It's a bit ridiculous, you think, how high school this all feels—waiting for a glimpse, a moment, anything.

[7:01 AM] You: Absolutely, come by anytime. Looking forward to it 🙂

You hit send and lean back, trying to act like you didn't just have a mini celebration over a text. 

And then, spurred by Leigh texting you first thing in the morning, you decide to add her on your social media accounts. You spend an extra fifteen minutes getting ready that morning, simply because you lingered longer in the shower, listening to songs that remind you of Leigh and how this crush is dangerously close to becoming something uncontainable.

-

[10:13 AM] Notification: Leigh accepted your friend request.

-

As it turns out, Leigh is a serial texter. 

It’s odd, really. For someone who might come across as reclusive and somewhat untouchable, she is surprisingly talkative over text. The messages start coming in more frequently after this morning's exchange, just moments after you've finally left home to drive to your clinic. What's even more interesting is that this time, they're not about Logan.

And they’re all unusually random and unrelated to one another: memes that make you laugh out loud, articles on topics ranging from the philosophical implications of artificial intelligence to the best way to juicing recipes. You find yourself waiting for these messages, eager to see what tangent Leigh's mind has wandered off to now. You get into it, dissecting the articles she sends over with the seriousness of a scholar. You type back your thoughts, trying to sound as insightful as possible, maybe even a bit witty, hoping to impress her. You imagine this might be her way of initiating deeper, intellectual conversations between you two.

So, when you send back a paragraph or two analyzing the latest article she's shared, maybe touching on its impacts on modern society or offering a counterpoint to the author's thesis, Leigh's responses aren’t what you expect. Instead of engaging with the discussion, she sends a  simple thumbs-up emoji or, even more baffling, a random factoid about her day, like her opinion on the Kani salad from a sushi bar near the Beautiful Beast gym.

[12:15 PM] Leigh: [sent a photo] Just some store-bought crab sticks and diluted mayo. Don’t try it. Their saké though is 👌👌👌

You wonder why she’s having Japanese rice wine this early in the day.

[12:22 PM] You: Thanks for the heads up. I know a place for authentic Japanese food. You want to check it out with me some time?

Your text remains unseen for the rest of the afternoon.

-

You find yourself staring intently at the wall clock in your clinic, keenly aware of each minute slipping by, and with it, the dwindling chance of Leigh arriving before the doors lock for the day. As it nears 8 in the evening, Suzie is already wrapped up in her end-of-day tasks across the lobby. Leaning your cheek on your palm, you watch blankly as she meticulously arranges her desk, perfectly aligning each item, then moves on to gently pull the blinds closed on each window.

Suzie’s not blind. She throws you these knowing glances every time you let out one of your heavy sighs. Finally, after you've probably sighed loud enough to be heard next door, she stops what she's doing and plants herself in front of you.

“What’s going on?” she asks.

You try to look puzzled. “Nothing. Why?”

Suzie rolls her eyes. “Please, you’ve been mooning over that clock and sighing like you’re carrying the world on your shoulders. What’s up?”

You crack a smile, partly at her description, partly from being caught moping like a lovesick teenager. “It’s just… I thought maybe Leigh would come by. She said she would,” you say, wincing at yourself when the last part comes out a bit whiny. 

Without missing a beat, Suzie pivots from her closing duties and makes her way over to you. 

She’s not delicate with you this time. “You’re doing that thing again. Waiting around for something that’s probably not gonna happen. It’s not doing you any good.”

You know she's hitting the nail on the head, but it's tough to swallow.

Suzie continues, “You're young, you're attractive, and it's honestly weird that you're pining over your ex's ex. At first, I thought it was kind of adorable, in a bizarre, romantic-comedy kind of way. But now, it's like you're always hung up and disappointed.”

“Thanks for saying I’m young when I’m five years older than you,” you say with a sheepish smile, hiding your disappointment that she isn’t saying the things you want to hear, such as the possibility that Leigh just got busy.

Suzie shakes her head in disapproval. She's fed up, and her next words aren't going to be sugar-coated. “Snap out of it!” she barks, the command hitting you like a cold splash of water, and you jerk back in your chair, wide-eyed. Seeing you shrink back, quivering, she softens a bit and shifts back to the harmless receptionist you’re used to.

“Look at me, Y/N,” Suzie says, ensuring she has your full attention. You manage to meet her gaze, even though your eyelids feel heavy. “It's not fair to Leigh, either. You're giving meaning to everything she does—or doesn't do. It's putting her in an impossible situation. And honestly, it's not fair to you. You're missing out on your own life, waiting for someone who... well, who might never show up the way you want her to.”

Suzie knows she’s being tough, but sometimes love means being the friend who won’t let you settle for anything less than you deserve.

“I hear you, okay? It’s just… it’s the way I’m wired. I latch onto a person like a leech, refusing to let go until I see it through,” you mutter, shielding your face with your hands, a bit ashamed to even say it out loud. You get so tunnel-visioned, missing out on maybe better things and experiences because you're stuck on one track. You fall hard for your choices, never by chance.

“Good. You know what’s wrong with you,” Suzie says softly. 

You let out a weak chuckle, the sound tinged with a bit of self-mockery. You're half-hidden behind your hands, peeking out at Suzie as if she's got all the answers. Suzie pries your fingers away from your face and then pinches your cheek so hard, you start to whine a bit.

“Ow! What was that for?” you protest, rubbing your assaulted cheek.

“That's for being a pathetic little bitch.”

“Excuse me, I'm still the one signing your paychecks,” you shoot back, trying to sound offended but it’s hard to keep a straight face.

“Sure thing, boss,” she laughs, and you join in. 

“Okay, so what do you suggest I do then?” you ask as the last of your chuckles die down.

“Go on a date,” comes her swift response. “All that stuff they say about love finding you when you're not looking? Biggest lie ever.”

You look at her curiously, assessing her physical features. “W-With you?”

“Dude, no! Not with me!” Suzie exclaims, laughing nervously. “I mean, sure, I'd take you out if you weren't my boss, but I don't see that happening anytime soon unless you fire me.”

“Got it, got it,” you say, still chuckling. Suzie realizes too late that you were just teasing her and huffs. “Not with you. But seriously, go on a date? Just like that?”

“Yeah. Just meet someone.”

“You make it sound like it’s easy.”

“Because it is,” she says with a shrug. “Here. Give me your phone.”

-

Leigh doesn’t know what to do with the fact that you may or may not have feelings for her. 

So, she does what she does best: Pretend.

Leigh pretends you’re not EspressoEyes. In her mind, it could just be a coincidence, and you might not be the person who wrote to her advice column. Without any concrete evidence, she holds onto this notion, using it as a shield to fend off the uncertainties and doubts that would follow if she believed otherwise.

Leigh pretends because she needs your help to figure out how to care for Logan. Because maybe she wants to be friends. When you join her for a run, you don’t press for conversation, a rare companion who's not afraid of silence. Having you around feels like having Matt around, in a way that she's reminded of him when you talk about the same things you like, the same books you've read, and the same music you listen to. 

Leigh pretends it doesn’t bother her in case you are EspressoEyes. She’s no stranger to turning heads as she walks down the street, accustomed to the attention. There's a certain power in being desired, and Leigh revels in it. But the idea of you liking her doesn't quite make sense to her; it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It’s not because you’re a woman—she’s been with women before. What Leigh can't wrap her head around is that you, of all people, could actually be into her. After all, she hasn’t exactly been her most charming self since you two met. Even her best friend is keeping a cautious distance. She’s been wearing down the people closest to her, those who are supposed to like her the most.

And this bewilderment doesn't sit well with Leigh. She is someone who thrives on understanding, on knowing where she stands with people and why. So, when pretending isn’t enough, she does what she does second-best: Avoid.

She must have been waiting in her car outside your clinic for the better part of the evening, debating with herself about what to do next. She's parked just out of view, positioned so she can see the clinic entrance without being too conspicuous. She hasn't eaten dinner yet, her stomach growling, but she remains glued to her spot across from where she knows you're waiting for her.

Ever since you subtly asked her out through text, she’s been on edge, second-guessing her actions (texting and sharing posts on the internet with you all morning, what was she thinking?) and wondering what they might have meant to you. Leigh didn’t mean to leave you hanging—she did come to your clinic, sort of. She remembers typing out a response to you, something witty and non-committal, but her finger hovered over the ‘send’ button before pulling back. It felt like too much, too soon. She needed time to think, to figure out why the idea of checking out authentic Japanese food with you left her feeling so conflicted inside.

Leigh's guilt gnaws at her as she sits there, wrestling with how to extricate herself without causing further confusion—or worse, hurt. Eventually, it all comes to a head. She finally gives in, typing out a message to you on her phone with a shaky urgency.

[7:53 PM] Leigh: I'm so sorry, something came up. I can't make it to the clinic after all.

Your reply comes quickly, much to her astonishment, especially since she hadn't opened your message all afternoon.

[7:54 PM] You: It's fine, don't worry about it. I can have Logan's supplies delivered to your place if that works better for you.

Reading your text, Leigh bites her lip, another surge of guilt washing over her. Your kindness, your willingness to accommodate her, only complicates this predicament further.

[7:54 PM] Leigh: Yes, that would be great, thank you.

[7:54 PM] Leigh: How much do I owe you?

As she starts nibbling at her cuticle, Leigh is eager to resolve at least the financial aspect of her obligation. Though she knows she owes you so much more than just Logan’s supplies.

[7:56 PM] You: Like I said, it's on the house. But just this time ☺️

It’s still too generous. But Leigh knows better than to argue further, concerned that insisting might hurt your feelings.

[7:56 PM] Leigh: Thank you. I won’t forget this.

[7:57 PM] You: 😊😊😊

Leigh sighs, remembering her promise that you could visit Logan anytime. She hopes you won’t take her up on that offer too soon, at least not until she has a chance to sort herself out.

-

Danny isn’t too bad once you get to know him. That's what Leigh learns after more than two months of dating him. 

Initially, Leigh wasn't sure what to make of Danny. Their shared wit and sarcasm often put them at odds, like two alphas vying for the upper hand, each one not willing to back down, always aiming for the last word. Yet, in their calmer moments, when the competitive edge fades and they're just enjoying each other's company, Leigh finds something unexpectedly comforting about being with him. He has this confidence about himself that Matt never had, knowing exactly what he wants—and that's her. His straightforward approach makes everything about being with him feel predictable. And lately, she's starting to see predictability as a good thing, a sign of stability. This is a welcome change from the uncertainty that often left her anxious about the future. Plus, all these traits spill over into the bedroom, making the sex between them feel effortless and satisfying in a way she’s never experienced before.

Despite all this, there are days when Leigh finds herself merely tolerating Danny's affections. A part of her remains tightly locked, still bruised from losing Matt, and she's not sure if those doors should—or even can—open again. To compensate, she often says yes when she can, whenever her mood permits her to be giving and amenable.

And it is exactly why she says yes when Danny asks her to go to Palm Springs with him this weekend. 

-

The getaway feels like an extended lazy morning where the concept of time blurs into insignificance. They drift from one hotel restaurant to another, luxuriating in the art of doing absolutely nothing. This routine isn't new to them; it’s the same one they slip into whether they’re at Danny’s apartment or Leigh’s place—only now, the scenery is different, and the sheets they tangle in are expensively soft, boasting a thread count far beyond anything either of them owns at home. 

They're lounging by the pool, sipping Margaritas—Leigh with a book in hand and Danny absorbed in his phone—when your name comes up in conversation.

“So, how are things between you and Y/N?” Danny asks, not looking up from his phone.

Leigh stiffens slightly. She carefully moderates her tone, her face schooled into an expression of indifference as she marks her page and looks over at him. “What about me and Y/N?”

“I don't know... are you guys friends now?”

If Leigh weren’t so preoccupied with her own personal concerns about you, she might have recognized the underlying worry his question poses. What he's actually trying to figure out is whether you've come clean to Leigh about his role in Matt’s secret affair with you.

“Yeah, I guess we are,” she says. To say otherwise would be a lie, because you’ve been nothing but good to her. Danny seems satisfied with this answer, nodding before returning his attention to his phone.

“Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering,” he mumbles. He's back to mindless scrolling, but Leigh can sense the tension from two feet away. 

“No, tell me,” Leigh insists, placing her book on the side table between them with a definitive thud. Danny mirrors her actions, setting his phone face down and turning to her with a seriousness that clashes with their otherwise relaxed afternoon.

“I just don't get why you'd be friends with Matt's mistress,” he blurts out suddenly. 

Leigh is taken aback. They've never fully discussed what transpired between you and Matt, so she hadn't realized he was paying such close attention to her interactions with you. Believing that he wasn't privy to all the details, she quickly jumps to your defense.

“Y/N didn’t even know Matt was married to me,” she explains, trying to clarify the misunderstanding and protect your integrity.

“Yeah? And you just took her word for it?” Danny doesn’t bother to hide his skepticism, and it irks Leigh more than usual. She doesn't understand why every conversation with Danny has to turn into a challenge or an argument.

“There’s no evidence to suggest otherwise,” Leigh replies, her voice tightening as she struggles to keep her frustration in check. “I mean, I even went through your phone to see what Matt had been saying to you, and there was nothing there indicating that Y/N knew he was married.”

Danny feels a lump form in his throat. Fortunately for him, Matt hadn't mentioned anything in their texts about Danny being Nick either. He has been debating whether to disclose his role in everything to Leigh. But things between them have gotten serious, and Danny's not so sure he should come clean. Part of him wants to delay—perhaps until they are married with kids, when he's more certain that Leigh won't leave him over a past mistake.

“Look, I'm not saying don’t trust her, but... she used to be in love with Matt, right? You don't think there's a chance she resents you even a little?” 

Leigh stops for a second, Danny's words prompting her to consider aspects she hadn't really thought about before. Wrapped up in her own insecurities, jealousy, and pain when she discovered the truth about you, she had never stopped to consider your perspective—how you might have felt learning that the man you had feelings for was married. Did you feel just as fooled and stung as she did? The thought bounces around her head for a moment. From what she can recall, nothing in your behavior has ever suggested that you're a bitter ex. But then, what if you're just exceptionally good at masking your feelings?

Do you really like her, or is it all an act—a scheme?

But then, she remembers the night you gave her Logan, how your smile was nothing but warm, your eyes bright with something that, looking back, Leigh realizes might have been admiration. Not even Danny looks at her like that, whose gaze is always bridling yearning and a desire to possess. Leigh shakes her head, almost laughing at the thought of Danny being right about you.

“Danny, honestly,” Leigh finally says, trying to put an end to the discussion, “if what you're saying is true, I can handle it myself.” It seems the quickest way to close this topic, knowing that debating it could easily consume their entire afternoon and completely derail the purpose of their vacation.

“But doesn't it hurt, having her around? Like a reminder that Matt went for someone else?” He's playing on a different fear now, not questioning your integrity, but poking at the scars Leigh's tried so hard to heal. 

Leigh wants to admit the pain never went away. She’s merely learned to co-exist with it. It's like the weather for her: on some days, her mind is a landscape of clear skies, but when the storm hits, it's relentless. For now, she chooses to keep this pain private, unwilling to give anyone the leverage to use it against her or even attempt to fix her. It's her burden to bear, and hers alone.

“No,” Leigh answers, reaching for her book again. “I don’t see it that way anymore.”

- 

Leigh ends her nearly year-long social media hiatus by posting a series of photos from her Palm Springs vacation with Danny. Sharing such personal moments publicly is uncharacteristic for her, especially given her minimal online presence over the past months. Maybe it felt like sending a message to everyone that she’s doing okay. That they can go back to seeing her as just Leigh again—a single, actively dating woman in her early thirties—not as the young widow she was in her late twenties.

Danny's friends are the first to swarm the comments. They tag Danny, peppering the feed with teasing remarks, their comments ranging from jokes about the desert heat to compliments on the couple's sun-drenched physique. It's all typical, light-hearted friend banter, until one comment sharply disrupts the mood: 

“Yo, isn't that your brother's wife?”

Leigh deletes the comment within seconds of seeing it.

A few hours later, you ‘like’ her post. Leigh's eyes fix unblinkingly on the notification. She's been idly wondering if you'd seen the post, and now, you’ve confirmed it yourself. But what does that ‘like’ mean?

Is it a nod of approval, a silent indication that you're happy for her? Regardless of what it means, Leigh discovers she was sending another message—one that’s exclusively for you. It tells you that whether you're EspressoEyes, whether you harbor any feelings for her or not, it no longer matters.

She's with Danny now.

-

Returning from Palm Springs, Leigh feels different—like she’s turned a corner or something. She feels refreshed, and she wants to take on something, such as Drew’s grievances about her advice column. She picks one to start with, something about anniversary ideas, and she's got the perfect story for this.

It was one of those anniversaries with Matt, the kind that stands out from the rest of his surprises because it's so quintessentially him—albeit a little nerdy. He took her away from the city's glare to a secluded spot where the sky was a blanket of stars, untainted by artificial light. After laying out a rug for them to both settle on, he began the painstaking process of setting up a rather complex telescope. It took him nearly an hour, but the wait just made the moment even more special. With the telescope finally ready, Matt pulled out this old, crinkly constellation map and started hunting for one specific star. It was one of the last times Leigh remembered them being truly happy—deeply in love, free from the shadows of Matt’s depression, Leigh’s instinct to fix things, and the small lies that slowly eroded their relationship.

When he finally located it, he excitedly guided her to peer through the telescope. There it is—a tiny speck of light, but it's theirs. Matt turned to her with a bashful smile and revealed that he had 'bought' that star for her.

Leigh shares this story with her reader, emphasizing that it's about understanding what truly moves your partner. For her, it was that star—simple, unexpected, and insanely romantic. She tells her reader to find that one-of-a-kind thing, that personal touch that says “I love you” in a way that can only come from them. Just like Matt did with a star and a starry night.

It's only after she closes her laptop that Leigh realizes tears have been streaming down her face.

-

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.”

It takes a moment to recognize who you've just bumped into. This encounter isn't as jarring as the last; it’s merely a brush of shoulders as you both maneuver to avoid incoming traffic. That ‘incoming traffic’ turns out to be none other than Leigh Shaw.

She's beaming up at you, and it looks genuine despite the sparse interactions since she last canceled on you. You’re still catching your breath, your heart racing from the speed of your run and something else entirely.

“At least I didn’t make you crash on the pavement this time. I'd say that’s significant progress,” you quip, drawing a soft laugh from Leigh. Last week, you made the firm decision to compartmentalize your feelings for Leigh, resolving to see her strictly as a friend. Yet, when faced with reality, such resolutions seem trivial, particularly when that reality includes Leigh smiling at you with her effortlessly charming grin—a smile that, despite your best efforts, still sends a familiar flutter through your stomach and makes your knees feel like they're made of something much less solid than bone.

“Speaking of progress, Logan’s due for his vaccines this week, right?” You remember the schedule clearly, not just because you’re good with dates, but because Logan has become somewhat of a shared responsibility between the two of you—or at least that’s how you still see it.

“Oh, right. I promise I'll swing by. No bailing this time,” she says, chuckling, but there’s a serious undertone that tells you she’s committed to making good on her word this time.

“You better not,” you tease, “Can’t have Logan missing his shots. He’s still very young, and it’s critical we build up his protection against—”

“I won’t, Doctor,” Leigh cuts in, giving you a playful salute that makes you blush. “So, where are you off to after this? I was actually about to grab some donuts for breakfast—”

Leigh pauses mid-sentence as a woman appears at your side. She’s stunning—slightly taller than Leigh, clad in a sports bra and tight yoga pants, with sneakers on her feet. An absolute goddess; even Leigh can’t resist a quick, appreciative glance.

“Who's this?” the woman asks with a British accent, adding the perfect touch to her 5-foot-7 frame.

“This is Leigh,” you introduce quickly, noting the surprise in Leigh's expression. “Leigh, this is Sara.”

“Lovely to meet you,” Sara says warmly, extending her hand. Leigh shakes it, though her movements are somewhat mechanical. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh?” Leigh’s smile is strained. “Nice to meet you, too.”

You quickly steer the topic back to Leigh's breakfast plan, asking where the donut place is. “It's just down that street,” Leigh points vaguely, but then stops short. Almost as an afterthought, she adds, “Actually, I just remembered I've got to pick up something from the laundromat.”

You frown, thrown by her sudden change of tune. “Are you sure? We could grab a bite after the run.”

“No, really, I should get going. Maybe next time!” Leigh replies hastily, already stepping back, her exit swift and decisive. As she hurries away, you're left there, watching her leave, trying to figure out what flipped her mood from happy to wanting to escape so quickly.

“Shall we?” Sara nudges you gently, already jogging in place. 

You give Sara a nod, but as you start running, you can't help but sneak one last look back. Leigh is quick to put distance between herself and the park. With a sigh, you turn your full attention back to Sara, who’s already picking up the pace, chatting about a new trail she wants to try next weekend.

“Let's go,” you mutter, mostly to yourself, as you push your legs to match her pace.

Meanwhile, Leigh walks briskly to a different restaurant, forsaking her initial craving for donuts. She can’t quite explain why she fabricated an errand; all she knows is that she needed to get away from you and Sara. Earlier, she couldn't help but notice how close Sara was standing to you, assessing you with a look that seemed a bit too interested. Leigh keeps turning over Sara's words in her mind, puzzling over what she meant by saying she'd heard a lot about her from you.

Why were you talking about her with Sara? Who exactly is Sara to you? Just a friend, or something more?

And what Leigh finds even more perplexing is why she's so troubled by needing to know the answers.

[witch-hazels-musings]

hello there dear pookie,

ive wanted to try writing drabbles, but how the fuck do i do that?

sorry for my wording, but do you have any tips for writing better? my writing right now can be classified as monstrous shit. please bless me with some moral lesson. if youre free, obviously, as ive heard of your current situation. thank you, ily :)

-H.Y

heyoo - sorry for my late response!

Well, one of the key parts of writing drabbles is just delusion. That's funny, but it is true. you just have to do it!

aaaaand if you want to improve your writing, then I would suggest doing a lot of edits. write what you want without stopping or second-guessing yourself and then go back and review what you wrote and make it better.

broke down some of my thoughts below

My biggest suggestion is SHOW vs TELL - are you telling the reader information, or are you showing that information

Tell ->

I was scared. I knew this couldn't be right because John would never text this way. He was always so clear in his messages. My gut told me this was all wrong.

Show ->

The phone shook as I read John's message for the third, fourth time. Don't answer the door. What do you mean? Why? John? "Ahhh, I gotchu! Can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message, or don't, I probably won't check it," John's recorded voice hung heavy in the air as if the silence of my rejected call stole the oxygen from my lungs. I ran to the door, the bolt sliding into its lock while my hand trembled above the metal nob.

^ You can see that showing creates emersion, it helps draw the reader into what is happening rather than just stating the facts. We can easily see that 1. the character is scared, 2. this is an odd thing for John to do, and that something is very wrong. By adding these components and focusing on - sight, sound, feeling, sensations, and actions, we can make a better scene with relative ease.

This does help if you already know what you want to happen though! often I put myself in the situation of the character to really grasp all the details (writing = role-playing lol)

also, you CAN TELL sometimes. my general rule of thumb is show 80-90% of the time, tell 20-10% depending on the situation.

My other big tip is to TRIM your narrative. Often times we have extra words in our prose, repeat phrases or information, and other redundant items that don't need to be in the narrative. so let's cut them out

Not Trimmed, bloated (text in red is irrelevant, doesn't help the prose / slows the images down) ->

When she emerged, she grabbed the wooden comb on the shelf and ran it through her wavy hair. Having it tied up for hours caused the waves but she knew they wouldn’t last. Her hair was heavy and thick, by the time she went to bed they would be gone again. There wasn’t a mirror, but she could see herself well-enough in the reflective glass next to the doorway. Her long skirt stopped just above her ankles, the dark, almost black color broken up only by a few embroidered flowers her mother had added. They were oddly shaped, the petals connecting in some places and floating beside the pistil.

Trimmed ->

When she emerged, she grabbed her wooden comb. It caught in the slept-on tangles and mats, tearing with each forceful passthrough. She winced but didn't stop. There wasn't a mirror, but she didn't need one. The reflective glass near the door revealed a put-together look. Fai's long skirt stopped just above her ankles, the dark, almost black color broken up by a few embroidered flowers. They were oddly shaped, the petals connecting in some places and floating beside the pistil. She ran her fingers over them and thought of her mother.

^ Of course this could use some more editing, it always can, but here we cut out the extra bits to focus on what elements were important for the reader. We also infer now that the mother made the embroidered flowers rather than being directly told

Both of these are good suggestions for writing to go from a first draft to a polished draft! remember, it's far better to edit something that already exists than it is to fix what doesn't -- AND, perfection isn't out there, so focus on having fun, getting what you want on the page/screen, and then work from there :)

happy to help otherwise! I'm part of a writers' group on Discord if you want to join us - The Writers' Factory - it's not a social server though, it's really only for writing and getting help with your skills/stories!

[janeway-lover]

hey. this might be a bit of an odd ask?

I know youve probably had a lot of asks about everything thats happened so ill try to keep this as brief as possible out of respect

My name is Erin. I only knew daisy/charlie for about a month (i think? time is hard) before everything happened. but they were always incredibly kind and supportive and just a wonderful person and friend.

for context Im a bit of an ametuer game developer. ive been working on this one game for a little while now, and in memory of their passing I decided to add a little easter egg where if youre really, really lucky you have the chance of running into a person named Charlie, and become friends with them, and if you do they are the nicest person possible (and can never get sick, unlike every other character in the game), just as my own way of getting back at the universe. Because. idk. its not much but it felt right to try and immortalize them in the only way i know how

but still, you knew them far better than I ever had the chance to, so it only felt right for me to ask you for permission, or at the very least let you know what i was doing, before i did anything like that. if you dont want me to do something like that, i would completely understand and respect that.

(and just. god im so sorry. i know you dont know me and i dont really know you but just. christ)

(also im sorry if this comes across as rude or insensative. i know youre probably going through a lot at the moment so if you dont want to answer this id understand. I know this is a bit of a weird coping mechanism but its nice to think that maybe this way a bit of them can live on, maybe even longer than me. who knows)

(this is getting rambly isnt it. i should just send this now. this is probably filled with grammar mistakes and makes no sense but i know that if i tried to edit this to be perfect i would be here forever because i know theres nothing i can really say that could help is there.)

that would be really sweet and i think you should do it. i think they'd've liked that.

[someonexsomeone]

Everything I Know About Love

Title: Everything I Know About Love

Author: SomeonexSomeone

Word Count: 3k

Pairing: Bella Swan x Reader

Summary: After a certain vampire left her life, Bella just tries to continue her life...without the expectation of meeting a drunkard at a party and talking about love.

Authors Note: DAY 5 WHOOP WHOOP I cant believe im actually doing it. Lots of reasons of life happening now that in the past ive let dictate my life, I'm actually proud of myself for keeping this going. Make sure to give yourself a pat on the back today. Afterall, you survived another one, against all odds :)

Though parties weren't really her scene, there was only so much more Charlie could take of her being in her room. Really, she had been feeling better little by little for the last couple of months, though she doubted she would ever feel completely whole again for a really long time, she wasn’t just wasting away like she was when Ed-...like she had been before. Jessica and Angela were being more than understanding, one more than the other though she didn’t want to name names, and the boys were keeping her easily distracted by asking her to tutor them. Jacob, of course, was doing more than enough by being by her side, even going as far as helping her fix up some old dirt bikes and teaching her to ride. Their weekly rides near the beach make the weekends that much sweeter, even if she’s probably spent more on laundry detergent in that time than she has her whole life. 

So, she thought, you would think that all of this progress was good enough for Charlie to finally turn back to the relaxed, non-hovering parent she had come to appreciate, right? Wrong. Though he had gotten much better recently, finally stopping his stupid stop-ins to her room when she was quiet for too long, though it meant she was now doing her homework at the kitchen table rather than in the comfort of her room, he still looked at her like she was going to break apart at the slightest breeze, or even the mention of the Cullens. Cullen was a phrase much easier for her to say, recalling her near-death experience with Jasper and Rosalie’s sour face to cover Alice’s smiling face or Emmet’s welcoming demeanor or Esme’s gentle hands, but some words still caused her to shiver or go stockstill despite her reassurance that she was better, that she was going to be okay. Charlie knew better than to mention the redheaded Cullen if he could avoid it. And, so long as he remembered it, Bella was fine. Even if Charlie’s eyes betrayed his reassuring words, and his typical late nights at the office were instead moved to the house, papers scattered across the coffee table to act like both the crime map and coasters for his beer, she would continue to be. 

She knew he was trying, trying as much as he possibly could for someone who didn’t really raise his daughter until the most hormonal parts, but it was like he didn’t even remember who she was…before. Scrapes and bruises on her arms from general clumsiness earned her a self-harm prevention pamphlet on her bed, missed meals earned her a furrowed brow, and any plans that weren’t outside made his mustache wiggle in an almost amused way. This, though, she almost wanted to scream at.

“Dad, seriously?”

“Listen, I’m just worried, Bells. It feels like you’ve been cooped up in your room for days.” It took all her willpower to not roll her eyes.

“Because it’s midterms? I’m not going to go out when these tests are important.”

“I know, but you even missed your date with Jacob this week!” She huffed.

“It’s not a date, Dad,” she said, exasperated that this was probably the millionth time she’s said the words but they never seemed to stick. “Plus, Jacob’s doing his midterms as well! You know Billy’s not going to let him go on that guy’s trip if he doesn’t get a B on his Math test, and he really wants to go.”

“I just don’t understand why you can’t go over and help-”

“And,” she cut him off, “I went out two weekends ago with the girls to get Prom dresses, per your request.”

“...I just want to make sure you’re feeling alright.” Bella huffed in defeat, swinging her legs over the edge of her bed. It was just supposed to be a peaceful afternoon nap before she got back to studying, a break for her eyes and hands from staring at the index cards thrown across her desk, but apparently, that was too much to ask.

“I’m fine, Dad, really. I just need to study.” Bella stood beside her desk, the picture-perfect student in every way. He still looked skeptical. She sighed. “Jessica is hosting a party this weekend. A get-together, to celebrate the end of exams.” She watched ruefully as he perked up immediately. “Can I go?”

Charlie played up the protective guardian, stroking his mustache in thought, before saying, “Will there be alcohol?” Bella just huffed again, rolling her eyes. “Okay, okay. As long as you promise to be responsible, and call me if anything looks suspicious, you can go.”

And that’s how she found herself sitting on the steps outside of Jessica’s family lakehouse. The perfect environment for debauchery, it was far enough away from Fork to feel like you were in the middle of nowhere without sacrificing any cell service. She could hear people cheering down by the water, jumping in although winter was just letting up across the PNW, and the music playing behind her made her blood thump heavily under her skin. For a long time, she found comfort in the sound of her own heart, the steady thumping she could hear if she paid attention, but now it just made her feel conflicted. The thing that Ed-...he loved about her, dare she say, most, a reminder of him that she couldn’t ever be parted from. It made her heart clench painfully. She took another sip of the drink in her cup, long warmed past the chill it once had.

Introverted to her core, Bella actually found herself thankful for the change in scenery. Although she had come to like Forks, there were a few downsides. Not only did everyone know everyone, which meant that her original plan to hide out in the library when the party was happening was quickly dashed when she remembered the weekend librarian was a frequent customer at Charlie’s favorite diner, but it also meant that midterms were not as much of a distraction as she hoped. Yes, her teachers were good, but the advanced placement curriculum at her old school made this school much easier. Jacob was gone this weekend too, receiving a B- on his Math test that made Billy roll his eyes, so he wasn’t there to shelter her from Charlie’s downcast eyes, and all of her school friends were going to attend this party, even Angela, who convinced her parents this was an important part of her adolescent upbringing. She thought Angela was her best bet to curb boredom and wandering hands, but as soon as she saw her boyfriend, it was game over. 

The evening air was crisp out here, a dewy smell that reminded her of all those summers she was able to take a break from Arizona’s dry heat. The view from the cabin was amazing. The calm lake and the tree-filled skyline listed a little weight from her chest, just for a moment, the closest thing she’s gotten to be around her old vampire boyfriend as she could get. There was that stint in her life where she thought changing everything about herself was a great place to start to get over her first love, but past the shoulder-length haircut and dirt bikes, there wasn’t anything actually fun to her in the more dangerous activities she tried about. A shudder ran through her at the reminder of her attempt at cliff driving. She took one look over the edge before demanding Jacob escort her back to their car. He just laughed at her, waving her over to instead sit on the rocks and look out at the horizon. It was there that she learned gazing out at a body of water, whether ocean or lake, made her feel a peace she had been desperately looking for. Something about the majesty of the water, she reasoned, made her problems seem so insignificant…

“I’m not gonna throw up, you stupid head!” Bella nearly jumped out of her skin as the back door flew open, releasing the stench of sweaty teens and blasting pop music she escaped outside to avoid, There was a rumble of voices in the wake of the person stumbling out before the heavy door swung shut with a bang. Bella jumped up, holding her arms out faster than she could think, though she had no clue why she thought she would be able to catch the obviously drunk teen when she could barely stand on her own two feet most days. The person barely noticed Bella, stumbling past them to throw themselves against the deck’s railing. Bella worried they were gonna hurl, or worse, throw themselves over, but they did neither. Instead, they gasped heavily, like they hadn’t had a good breath of air in who knows how long, before leaning back and basically stumbling onto Bella’s feet. With a bounce, they ended up right next to her, their head snapping up to gape at Bella’s equally wide eyes.

“Holy shit! How long have you been there?!” Bella opened her mouth, but no words escaped. Instead, she stared at this stranger and mimicked a fish. “Oh my god, did I just sit on you? I’m so sorry!”

“No, you’re okay.” Bella hesitated. “Are you…okay? Not gonna hurl or anything, are you?” That earned a laugh, way too loud to be from anyone but a drunk person.

“Yeah! I just needed some fresh air.” Bella smiled at that.

“That’s why I’m out here too. It’s way too loud in there.” That one earned her a blinding smile. Bella let out a small puff of air, only a little uncomfortable around this random stranger, and unsure about what to do next. Does she sit down? No, that would be stupid.

“Why don’t you sit too? We can keep each other company, and become best friends!”

“Best friends?” Bella jumped as her hand was grabbed, and could do nothing against the sudden strong force pulling her down. Her drink went flying as her butt hit the step harshly.

“Yeah! I’m in the market for a new one.” If they noticed her pained expression, they didn’t say anything. Bella rubbed her back as they continued, “I was supposed to hang out here and celebrate with her, but turns out she’s a two-faced skank and hooked up with the guy I liked.” Bella just stared, open-mouthed. “Oh, don’t worry! It stopped hurting about…” The finger counting was near hilarious, but Bella was too worried about them to laugh. “I don’t remember! A while ago.” Then they huffed, nearly doing a 180 in emotion. “Besides, it’s not like I was in love or anything. I mean, I hardly knew the guy. But there was something about him…”

“I know what you mean.” The words were out before Bella could even think about the consequences. 

“You do?” Bella hesitated, before nodding. “Were you in love?”

“Um…”

“Oh no!” Bella jumped back, nearly catching an elbow to the face as the stranger threw their hands in front of their face, “I made you uncomfortable! Oh, I’m so sorry! Me and my big fat mouth…”

“No! No, it’s okay!” Bella reached forward, pulling their hands away from their face, trying to earnestly look into their eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s just…a little fresh.”

“...you’re sure?” Bella nodded once. “Oh! You’re too nice!” Then, arms were thrown around her, pulling her face far too close to a stranger’s. “Woah! And pretty!” The stranger huffed. Bella shivered as their breath puffed against her face. “I bet you get loads of dates.”

“I wouldn’t say that-”

“And you probably know everything about being in love! Tell me about it, please!” Bella blinked. Drunk memory, she figured, or they just had a really bad one. “Please, please! I need to know. What if he was the one, and I never knew because I didn’t know what it felt like!”

“I don’t…” Bella could feel the rejection on the tip of her tongue. Denial would be easy, it’s not like she knew who this person was anyway. Plus, it would probably be easy to lose them in the crowd inside, and a phone had to be somewhere around here to call Charlie to come pick her up, despite the plan to spend the night here to help Jessica clean in the morning. But…there was something sparkling in their eyes that made Bella hesitate. This was a complete stranger, a person that, if they even knew who she was before this night, probably knew nothing of her previous relationship. Especially if they were this drunk. They were looking at Bella with the biggest, most innocent eyes, gleaming with so much unbridled trust and innocence that Bella felt her soft heart waver. “...know how to describe it.”

“Is it like how everyone says it is?” Bella laughed a little at that, gently pushing them away to settle their face back into their own personal bubble. In retaliation, they swung their knees so they knocked against Bellas, making their shoe tips touch for good measure.

“It can be. It was for me.” Their look of awe made Bella giggle lightly.

“Really?”

“In a way.” Bella paused, watching their eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Was that the answer you’re looking for?”

“I don’t know…maybe?”

“Then…tell me what you’ve heard, and I can elaborate for you?” Bella watched as they mouthed the word ‘elaborate’ before the meaning clicked and they nodded their head enthusiastically. 

“Just not too many words, okay? You’re a little…fuzzy?” Bella laughed lightly, nodding. The stranger smiled. “Yeah, that’s perfect! Okay, so, enchanting in every way.” Bella nodded, and their smile bloomed brighter. “It's everlasting every day.” Bella hesitated, before giving a so-so wave with her hand. They frowned in response. “Stomach sick with butterflies?” At Bella’s enthusiastic nod, they smiled again. “Sweet obsession, rose bouquets-”

“Trust me,” Bella said, cutting them off. She felt a little bad, but this was too complicated for a yes or no answer. “From personal experience, obsession is not what you want. Not when it’ll eat you whole.” That caused another bout of eyebrow-wiggling confusion.

After a moment, they said, “Maybe they were just obsessed with being in love? Obsessed with obsession is how things end up…no good.” Bella felt her eyes widen in shock. For a drunk person, someone who could barely remember a conversation from a moment ago and for completely disregarding personal space, that was shockingly coherent. 

In their short months together, Bella couldn’t count the number of times Edw- he talked about falling in love. Their late nights together were spent half in silence, just gazing into each other's eyes, and the other half was spent talking about anything they felt the need to say. For Bella, it was what she was thinking, how she was raised, things she liked. For him, it was how long he had waited for her, for someone who sung for him and made him feel loved as he had seen Esme and Carlisle interact throughout their many years. She remembered the way his eyes shined as he talked about them, about the love they had for one another, the way they fit together better than anyone he had seen in his 100 years. 

“I have that now, with you.” He whispered before kissing her, putting any conviction he had in the statement with the first press against her lips. And she had believed him, wholeheartedly. Looking back on it now, she can see why Charlie and her friends were worried for her. Months of on and off, of not knowing if Bella was gaining his attention in a good or bad way, the way he proclaimed his love to her within a month or two of knowing her. But…she could still feel his insistence, his devotion, and the love that sparkled in his eyes when they were together. There was no way that wasn’t real…was it?

“Maybe you’re right…” Bella whispered, neither convinced nor closed off to the possibility. These last few months have given her a lot of time to think things through. Writing to Alice had helped a little in the beginning, but having Jacob there to talk to, to finally have someone to open up to, especially after learning his own secret, their friendship had never been closer. He was always there for her, especially on the bad days, and cheered her on when she was able to get back on her own feet. After finally asking out the girl of his dreams, he didn’t abandon her, instead introducing them so Bella was always welcome without a hint or suspicion of something else, something unsaid, being there. Bella felt a swell of adoration when she thought of Jacob, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the way she felt with him. But was that such a bad thing?

“You’re frowning.” Bella started, flinching as a hand gently pressed on the space between her eyebrows. She hadn’t even realized they had pushed together.

“You’ve given me something to think about.” That caused a smile.

“Really?” Bella nodded. “Good! I’m not just a pretty face, you know.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Bella laughed. Their smile brightened even more. In one swift motion, with far too much coordination for someone so drunk, they threw their arms around her, pulling her close and smacking a wet kiss against her cheek. Bella’s face flared bright red.

“And you’re not just a pretty face too! You’re a gorgeous face with a kind heart!” They slumped against her, resting their head against Bella’s shoulder, snuggling as close as they could in their awkward position. “Thank you for explaining things to me. I think it made me fall in love with you.”

“Wha-” Bella stuttered. They laughed loudly, pressing their lips against her cheek again with more teeth than necessary.

“And you’re funny! You have to give me your number now. I’m not gonna let that stank bag get to you before me this time.”

Joke or not, Bella couldn’t help her burning ears or the way her heart beat out of them. She also couldn’t help the way her heart skipped a beat. The first time in a long time.

______________________________________________________________

masterlist  l What is Laufeyfest? l Laufeyfest masterlist

[horizon-verizon]

I always wondered why Daemon Blackfyre didn’t claim it through Daena; it always seemed to me the better argument than Naerys cheated because that can never be proven, and, sadly, it seems very unlikely.

GRRM likes taking things from history, so it always struck me as odd that not once did a guy make a bid for the throne from a woman's lineage. That happened a lot in history. Henry II claimed the English throne through his mother, Empress Matilda; the Yorkists drew their claim through Anne Mortimer, the cognatic heir of Lionel of Antwerp, who was the 2nd son of Edward III, over the Lancasters, who drew their claim through the 3rd son of Edward III; Edward III himself claimed the French throne through his mother, Isabella of France, when her brothers, Philip the Fair’s sons, died without male issue, beginning the Hundred Years’ War. The English/British/UK monarchs didn’t even drop their claim to the French throne until the year 1800, almost 500 years after the claim was first made. It seems like a waste not to utilize that storyline.

And yes, Aegon III got his claim from Rhaenyra, but the throne was more or less given to him; he didn’t put forward his own claim and fight for his right to rule like the people I mentioned above did. He was too young to make his own bid for the throne, is what I’m saying.

Watsonian: Daena was already disposed, as opposed to those other women men use to claim the throne in ASoIaF (in Robert Baratheon's time, he didn't use his Targ grandmother to justify his taking of the throne but it certainly helped that the maesters decided to speak of Rhaelle 🤫). And Daena had been imprisoned for years, she had little resources or connections to herself at court. It doesn't hit as hard to use the woman who has little to nothing material on her side to claim the throne and especially when women in the Targ succession line had been tacitly officialized as...undesireable. They were just a generation from the Dance when Daena was active and about.

For Daemon's present prospects, it was just better to claim it through his father, the ruling male monarch who favored him all his life, than his mother. There was more political heft to Aegon IV's name than Daena's, and those who wish to gain power and aren't that sentimental or are hyper focused or whatever (we don't know what Daemon was thinking...yet) will use the parent who will get them there. It was Robert's grandmother that the maesters used after all.

Daemon himself was banking on a hypermasculinity & the anti Dornish sentiment to "makeup" for his bastardy and get lords, who despised Daeron II's dealing with the absolute primogeniture-practicing Dornish, to support him

Doylist: Even those men you mention of history use the woman precisely because there is no man they can use.

Daena is worse off than those women in terms of personal power or prestige that any of her kids could have benefited from because of her imprisonment and the fresh-kinda anxiety over strong female characters/female rulers. Daena was a princess...but how far was she able to, again, use that title to gain resources and prestige previously enjoyed by Rhaena the BB, Rhaenyra, Alysanne, etc?

Now, could GRRM write Daena to actually be free and more active at court and give more for her to do while showing how Targ men's power just overshadowed her even without direct PoVs (even the main ASoIaF books have many unreliable narrators as narrators...a PoV can still be a unreliable)? Absolutely, and I think the intention was to show this transition from more power-wielding women into the Blackfyre Rebellions in a more constricted and contained setting (time frame) and so he thought showing the "what could have been" with Daena's imprisonment required a story of her escape and birthing a child.

[thatneoncrisis]

20 questions for 20 writers!

tagged by @waitineedaname thxx

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

21 works, i feel like thats a healthy number

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

i have 439,385 words, a very large chunk of that is from We Have Always Lived in the Apartment

3. What fandoms do you write for?

right now its the locked tomb, used to be homestuck, i have some crossovers with the magnus archives and one with john dies at the end

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

We Have Always Lived in the Apartment -- TLT horror mystery modern au

Insert Jesus Allegory Here -- solkat focused continuation of karkats pesterquest route, i NEED my new fics to get more popular than this oh my god

Gehenna the First -- TLT houseswap au with harrow as god

the gap between a tragedy and comedy (in this life its just you and me) -- TLT coffee shop au.

What's Eating Gideon Nav?  -- TLT catholic boarding school horror au

5. Do you respond to comments?

not typically, theres some weird thing with my head where i kind of hate that it counts my comments in the total comment amount. i cant explain it i just dont like how it looks, plus just repeating variations of "thank you!!" feels hollow after a while. im more likely to answer direct questions about the story rather than general commentary i do love talking about my thought process and intentions

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

ok so i cant actually tell you this because none of those fics are Done yet but all you need to know is that i consider all of my TLT fics tragedies to some extent. take that as you will. i dont even Like the word angst really it portends a level of melodrama id like to avoid

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I'd say its a dead tie between A Brief Lesson In The Occult and Shit. Let’s Build A Fort. i can barely look at these anymore and if you read them and feel compelled to tell me you like them: dont. i can do better now

8. Do you get hate on fics?

never to my knowledge has anyone ever publicly disliked one of my fics. in fact sometimes i dream about someone posting it in their discord group chat and making fun of it because im so curious about what theyd say

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes i have. i do it almost exclusively as satire or character analysis as i find like, the physicality of sex to be inherently kind of goofy. liek the second you have to describe a dick or boobs with words the magic is gone it just becomes weird silly looking flesh. so i like focusing on weird and bad sex, unsatisfying or clumsy sex. sex that changes you in no significant way

10. Do you write crossovers?

yes i have. A Brief Disappearance and Statement of David Wong are both TMA/JDATE crossovers and i DID write a homestuck/TMA crossover but its not on my ao3 i guess? odd

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no? does that happen?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i think once someone asked but i have no clue if it happened

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

@notedchampagne is my co producer in all things forever but ive basically written everything myself and they help polish it up

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

shiiiiiiite uh. jade/davepeta still means a lot to me. i think there are a lot of really engaging ships in TLT but i always kind of default to griddlehark i just kind of understand them the best

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

eventually SAM and i would like to circle back to our fanventure Therapystuck but we both got really busy with school, work and a general lull in the HS fandom. also maybe someday ill go back to Insert Jesus Allegory Here i liked the direction of the story i just have to get myself back in that headspace. being into homestuck Does something to you, like psychologically

16. What are your writing strengths?

after asking some friends theyve told me im good at tone, prose, funny metaphors, and dialogue but a caveat for the last thing as "I have yet to see how your Own guys talk and how you'd handle distinct voices from scratch so I'm only giving you about 80%"

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i hate like. writing Around the important bits of a scene. i love the physicality of characters and what it reveals about them, along with pieces of the scene the narration deems important or interesting enough to mention to the audience. but im always worried im jsut fucking yapping. also i hate like, political scenes theres a rhythm to them that i dont quite understand. people sitting around using specific language that Feels important in a way that doesnt make it clear im bullshitting like 99% of what theyre talking about

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

AHAH. GOD. i actually looked this up the other day because theres an original story i want to write where i want to make it clear theyre basically speaking french the whole time, even though its written in english. i only speak english (i took some french in hs, its left me though i want to pick it up again) so i wouldnt know anything about how it reads to polyglots but i guess theres really only so much you can do outside of literally learning a new language just to write a story for free. ive seen a whole host of tips so i gues sit just matters how you employ them

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Homestuck. my only regret is that i wasnt a better writer

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

FUCK christ uuuuh. favorite right Now would be The Apartment but EVENTUALLY id like it to be Gehenna the First because its the hardest to write and i need it to pay off. if you havent read it uhhh. hi. hello. you should do that. i think its really cool and fun and junk

CHRIST who to tag i dont follow big writers uuuh @tranquilitybasehotelcasino and @accidentallyadorable sure have fun

[skellyflowers]

Catch a Shuttle

AN: I'm back

I truly did not expect to enjoy relearning how to use the force, but Kal is a good teacher. He helped me not feel self-conscious about being older than all his other students. After a few days I had become more comfortable and opened up to the other students. It was a little odd that they looked up to me. I don’t think that anyone has done that before. Kal told me not to overthink it, I did survive the genocide of the jedi as a child. 

Training lasts from sunrise to sunset and even when I meditate I am only alone with my thoughts when I go to bed. When I do get to be alone my thoughts turn to IV. I wondered where he was and if he was ok. I didn’t know how long it would take to repair his ship inside and out but it had been 2 months since I last saw him.

I had completed my morning hike and found a nice high rock to meditate on for a while. Kal had really opened my eyes to how relaxing it can be. It also reminded me of the years I lived in the monastery, which was oddly comforting. It really became the best part of my day. I was on the rock for about 30 minutes before I heard frantic footsteps approaching.

“There you are.” Romor huffed. The poor Iktotchi clearly had been running for a while, his normally blue face is tinted purple.

“Romor, is everything ok?” I asked.

Romor takes a few moments to catch his breath. “He’s back! The Mandalorian!”

I jumped off the rock after he said that. “Really where is he!”

“He landed back at base. Kal is talking to him. Kal told me to find you”

“Thanks Romor.” I yell over my shoulder at him. I feel a little bad just running off and leaving him behind. But I think Romor will forgive me this time.

When I get back to the base I see IV’s ship. At least I think it’s his ship. It looks brand new with a new paint job and it looks like he got new engines on the back. The ship is a far cry from the hunk of metal that held together duct tape and hope.

“Do you approve?” A voice asks from behind me.

There he is! I’m happy to see him. There was a part of me that worried that he wouldn’t be able to make it to meet up with his friend.

“Ya it looks better than new.” I say. “Your friend is a great mechanic. I thought it was a new ship.”

“They’re my in-law now.” he says casually. “The wedding was the reason I couldn’t get back sooner.”

“Who got married?” I asked

“III and the mechanic I told you about. It was about damn time he was so whipped for her, it was getting embarrassing.”

“What is a Mandalorian wedding like?”

IV tilts his head at the question. Oh no. Should I not ask questions like that!

“It depends on the individual.” IV says after a long pause. “III loves a grand gesture, it was pretty flashy. I'm sure Vessel just said the vows with no bells and whistles.”

Before I can ask more follow up questions Kal arrives with the other students. Oh good Romor made it back.

“Good to see you two catching up.” Kal says with a faint smile. “Have you thought about my task?”

“I can get it done. I would just need a second pilot. Even a droid would do.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask.

“I asked if IV could bring me a very specific ship.” Kal says, crossing his arms. “It was last seen in an Imperial scrap yard. We’re safe here but I want to be prepared, just in case.”

Kal is right. Just because we have been safe for a few months doesn’t mean the Empire would never come here. An emergency ship would be good to have. 

“You can take BD-1. He can help find the ship and pilot it back.”

“Is he capable of flying the ship you want? He is NOT flying my ship.”

“I guess you can't make an exception?” 

“There are only very specific exceptions. Droids aren't one of them.”

“I'll go with you.” I say. Everyone turns to look at me. “What? He just said he needs a second pilot.”

Kal lets out a quiet snicker. “Nothing. You're right, BD-1 isn't a good choice to fly the ship I'm trying to get back here.” Kal puts his hand on my shoulder. “Be careful.”

“I will. Thank you.” It was nice to know he was ready to trust me with this.

I head back to my tent and start to pack my things. I honestly started to get excited, my last trip with IV hadn't gone smoothly AT ALL but I still looked forward to it. As I finished packing my bag I heard footsteps approaching. I immediately think that it’s Kal coming to tell me He was going to trade places with me. As I prepare to defend my choice I turn to see IV.

“I’m surprised you volunteered to go. Our last trip wasn’t exactly great.”

“I know, but I think you deserve a chance to redeem yourself.” I joke. He responds with a laugh and I wondered what it would sound like without his helmet on.

“Well, I’m glad to get a second chance.” He pauses and touches a pouch on his belt. But then pulls his hand away. “I’ll see you at the ship.”

I head back to IV’s ship once I'm prepared. Kal and the other students are gathered outside. BD jumps into my bag and gives me a few happy boops. Kal and the others wish me and IV luck, but not Lila. She runs up to me and hugs me tight. She is the youngest and the top of her head only comes up to my stomach.

“Come back soon.” she says. Lila then looks around me and at IV. “YOU BETTER PROTECT MY FRIEND!” she then shouts.

“I swear on my life.” IV responds with his hands up in surrender.

With that IV and I head into the ship. BD jumps out my bag and enters the coordinates for the scrap yard. As the ship begins to take off I see everyone waving goodbye. As we left the atmosphere I leaned back in my seat and looked at IV.

“I think that Lila is a little worried about me.” I say sarcastically.

“I was scared for my life. It’s sweet she cares about you so much.”

“Lucky me you owe me a blood debt.” He laughs at that and puts the ship into hyperspace.

During the trip in hyperspace BD gives us the details of the scrap yard. It was fully automated. No people work in the yard, only retired battle droids. The ship we are looking for is a now decommissioned transport shuttle that was used before the Empire. It's a great choice if you need to move multiple people and be under the radar.

IV takes the ship out of hyperspace and lands outside of the sector security. We sneak to an unguarded security terminal and BD connected to it. We found the shuttle Kal requested, it is about a 30 minute walk from here. But it is right in the path of the battle droid's security path.

“Ok, we found the ship but now we just need to get past land and air security.” I say.

“Leave the droids to me.” IV says firmly. “I make sure they don’t stop you from getting to the ship.”

“And after? Assuming I can get the ship off the ground, I’m pretty sure that I saw anti-air cannons.”

Before IV can come up with an answer BD-1 makes a series of beeps and boops. IV tilts his head and looks at me. I guess I should translate.

“BD can send out a jamming signal for about two minutes.”

“That’s a big enough window to get back to my ship.” I nod.

“We can drop you off then get out of here.”

Now with a plan we start to sneak around the scrap yard. BD helped us avoid any droids that were patrolling the yard. Then we finally made it to the ship we were looking for. It was still in a good looking position. I hope this thing can still fly. BD locates the shuttle’s entrance and IV and I see that a cruiser cockpit blocks the door.

“Give me a little room, I’ll move it.” I say to IV. 

He moves behind me, but stays close. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I try to focus on the cruiser that was in the way but it’s a little hard when IV is watching. I really want to show him how much I have improved my skills, but he is also making me nervous. After a few seconds of focusing myself I feel the force around us. I move the stray cockpit out of the way and stack it on top of some other broken ship pieces. 

I am in a full sweat after placing the cockpit down. BD happily beeps and does a little dance. IV places a gentle hand on my shoulder when he checks on me. I wished I could see his face, his body language isn’t telling me if he was impressed or not. 

“Nice work.” He says, as if reading my mind. “I’m sure that was way heavier than a drunk in an alley.” Was that a joke!

“A little bit.” I joke back.

 After I catch my breath we head to the shuttle’s entrance. BD is able to open the door but it gets jammed. IV picked up a nearby piece of a metal bar. He uses his strength to hold the door open so BD and I can slip in around him.

The inside of the ship is covered in dirt and dust. Other than that, it is in pretty decent shape. BD runs up to the shuttle’s cockpit and plugs into the computer. One by one lights turn on in the ship. I sit in the pilot seat and watch the ship status update, one of the fuel lines is damaged, the shield generator is offline and the storage hatch is broken. Luckily the ship’s hyperdrive is online. IV comes up behind me to look over my shoulder to look at the monitors.

“I’m surprised this ship is doing this well.” I say. “I wasn’t sure it would even activate.”

“I had my doubts too. You think you can fly it?”

“If BD can put in the coordinates I should be fine by myself. Or else I'll be stuck following you.”

“If this rust bucket can get off the ground.” He laughs.

Before I can say anything a deafening bang comes from outside. The sudden sound makes me jump back and on IV. I briefly look up at him. My reaction was embarrassing but he made no comment on it.

“What was that?” he asked. IV then moves to the window and attempts to clean off some of the dirt.

The shuttle is now humming and finished running a system check. All flight systems are on line but the engines aren’t starting. Also the navigation is offline.

“That stack of junk next to us fell over.” IV tells me.

“Are we stuck?”

“I don’t think so, but I’m sure a patrol is on its way.” IV comes back over to me. “Are you going to be able to get this thing in the air?”

“Yes, but I might be screwed after that, navigation is totally disconnected.”

“Use the droid. He should be able to supplement the navigation.”

An alarm blares in the cockpit and red lights flash. BD tells me that a security alert has been sent for right where we are! 

“Let's get this thing in the air!”

The engine stalls and shakes the whole ship. After a few seconds the ship starts to move! Just as we get on the air I see a squad of battle droids running towards us. I just barely move the shuttle enough to not get hit with blaster fire.

IV directs me towards his ship and BD informs me that the droids are going to send out scout ships. That's not good. This ship’s shield generator is completely offline. Just as IV gets off the shuttle, the proximity alarm goes off. I can see that three objects are coming towards me. I move the shuttle away from IV so the droids don’t notice him. I then see that the droids are flying Tie Fighters. My shuttle is just fast enough to stay out of range of the fighters until the engine stalls again. 

They open fire once they get close enough. I do my best to avoid the blaster fire. The reactivated just as a hit lands on one of the wings. I look down at the radar and suddenly see a new dot. And it’s closing in fast! Now what! Then one of the dots behind me disappears, then another and then so does the last dot. I look up and realize that the mysterious fourth dot is IV! He flys alongside me and tags my comlink.

“Sorry I'm late. You two ok?”

“We’re both in one piece. Took damage to the wing.”

“Can you get off world?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“You go first. I’ll follow.”

I start to pull the ship up. We get over the clouds and soon we are in orbit. IV following close behind me. BD inputs the home coordinates and activates the autopilot. Once the shuttle and IV’s ship are in hyperspace I relax. I let out a harsh breath and lean back in my seat. Why can’t things go smoothly with IV?

The trip in Hyperspace is thankfully uneventful. We make it back and BD helps me land the shuttle. IV landing next to me. Kal and the other students come out to greet us.

“You made it back.” Kal says.

“Yes, just barely.”

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, just damage to the wing. The shuttle has no active shields.”

“We’ll check it out.” Kal then brings the others inside the shuttle leaving me IV outside.

“How come when we do something together it goes wrong?” I joke.

“Only twice.”

“At least you paid me back.”

He tilts his head. “What do you mean?”

“The life debt. I know you didn’t forget that I saved your life.”

“Oh, right.”

“Yeah I would say you definitely saved my life.”

IV doesn’t answer, but I see him reach the pouch on his belt. He pulls it off his belt and gives it a look. Like he is really considering something.

“You ok? Did that bag offend you somehow?” I joke.

“I brought this for you.” his thumb gently runs over it. 

“What is it?” I reach out for the small bag.

“It’s a traditional gift.”

“What tradition?”

“Open it first. Then I’ll tell you.”

I opened the bag. It’s a bracelet? It is a simple link chain. It is very shiny and a little heavier than I would have thought.

“IV what is this?”

“A… courting gift.”

“YES!”

His head snaps to look at me. “Really?”

“Yes! Stupid!” I hold my wrist out to him.

“Ok.” his hands shake a little when he puts the bracelet on.

I hold my wrist up once he finishes. “Now you really can’t get rid of me.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

[autisticbokutoenthusiast]

i know that only like 2 other people on this webbed site care about womens volleyball but what is everyones thoughts on vnl so far and olympic predictions 👀

i think china, italy, and japan are gonna qualify through vnls for the olympics. i cant make my mind up between canada and netherlands for the fourth spot, on the one hand canada is ranked slightly higher rn and have played the best ive seen them but also the netherlands match against china was really impressive

i think vnl quarterfinals is gonna be:

thailand - hosting so automatic qualification, theyre my fav team and im happy they get to host the final round but i dont think my girlies are gonna make it past quarterfinals, at least not this year (though their win against dominican republic was great AND they took a set from the usa even if their loss to korea was frustrating, something happened between weeks 1 and 2 and they came out stronger because of it also my girl wipawee is proving me right that this is her year)

brasil - currently ranked 1 and their bench and starters have been lethal. gabi is solid as always nyeme has been making so many great saves. also i love the way the crowds erupt when thaisa comes on court i never get tired of it. i think they can make it to finals if not taking gold

usa - i know they havent been dominating but they seem to still be testing out their younger players, like washington/drews/hancock all havent even played yet- drews aint even on the roster and shes usually a go to player for them. their loss to china sure was something and they lost to brasil for the first time in like 5 years but their week 1 team wasn't their strongest and we knew this, it certainly gave newer players/ their bench some good experiance. excited to see how they match up with poland and turkiye later this week.

poland - lavarini has been great for them also they have wołosz back and stysiak is a monster and i thought genuinely they had a great chance of making it to finals last year if texas ac hadnt sabotoged them

italy - (now that egonu an sylla are back) for sure they can do it also antrapova in their pocket is great and in general despite the stumbling last year their team is doing well this tournament like their win againt turikye was great and that was with their week 1 squad

turkiye - won last year and are in a great position having both karakurt and vargas- (i like their odds better when they use them as subs for eachother more than having karakurt play outside but santarelli obviously knows much much more than me lol) they havent swept as much as i thought they would but they are human. and if they are on their game then theyre unstoppable but 3-1 loss to italy and 3-2 to japan took me by surprise. still would never count them out theyre obviously making it through. excited to see their game against serbia tn

china - silver metalists from last vnl. yall know i love yuan xin yue and want to see her play but also wang yuan yuan has been great this week also zhu ting is back on the roster!!!!!!! as im writing this their ranked 4 so i have a good feeling about them

for the last team idk but it could be:

japan - put some respect on kogas name!! girlie has been fantastic this tournement and winning against turkiye is huge imo and theyre game against brasil was amazing even if they didnt win they fought hard those 5 sets. genuinely i think japan is more primed to win the mental battle of the game i have such high hopes for them

canada - if they can get back to their week 1 play style i wouldnt count them out even tho its unlikely

serbia - usually is an easy prediciton but theyre right now behind korea in the rankings.... but they dont have boscovic back and their squad seems to be pretty young and they fight hard so it can still be them

dominican republic - though they haven't been winning a ton so far they are one of my ult teams i love them dearly and i hope castillo joins them again soon cause she is my favorite libero

i dont really have thoughts on olympics as of now except for my qualification predictions

hoping a single other person wants to talk about this!!

[phoenixfangs]

Coming from me, someone who has only played the first game, about AA: What ships in the fandom do you think people just Don't Get? I know the big one being the boys Miles and Pheonix so odds of numbers people are likely to mess up that dynamic often.

But any others that stand out in the fandom that have you thinking They Wouldn't Say That vibe? Please, feel free to go wild, I'm curious

kobi im kissing u on ur mouth for indulging me

ur totally right that people get narumitsu wrong, ill steal a phrase from pepper analysis of franmaya (another ship people get totally wrong but they explained it better in fewer words djffkj) to say that people often reduce them to sunshine boy and grump (boring dynamic), or worse, seme and uke. people will really write these guys like theyre bad yaoi stereotypes and think its Good just because it made them horny

now i love yaoi. i love porn. i love porn of these guys. but they are the MOST complex characters in the entire series, so reducing them to Just top/bottom for the sake of beating off to it is so. idk frustrating lol

its not all bad though, my buddy bloodofgrapes (hiiii hello grapes) probably produces my favorite nsfw content where bdsm concepts and roles like top/bottom are Intentionally Part Of It, because he actually puts a lot of thought into the dynamic as it pertains to phoenix and miles, rather than just stapling yaoi tropes onto them. the characterization in his comics/fanart is top notch, high recommendation 👌 (obviously this also means the non nsfw content that grapes makes is excellent too, as an aside)

idk if u know who kristoph is, if ive perhaps auts-ed out at u about him before, but he and phoenix make up krisnix, which is my Current ship brainworm. i dont even bother looking up ship content of them because me and pepper are the only people on the planet who understand them apart, and them together. read a fic where (admittedly they werent dating, idr if they had a relationship pre-fic but whatever this is more about the general dynamic) kris abducted, tortured, and like Half Killed phoenix and yknow as much as i feel kris Wants phoenix dead, kris is SO hung up on having phoenix in his life that he could never actually go through with killing phoenix. hed probably kill himself right after djfkfjdja he wouldnt know what to do with himself if phoenix werent around

aside from that one fic, my Dread is that people write it to be this completely one-sided abusive relationship where phoenix is a hapless victim and its up to miles to (somehow) save him by being his Real Love, because a kinder codependent relationship with the "correct" partner is the solution to a mean codependent toxic relationship 🙄 and the thought of that makes me sick to my ass

the thing about krisnix is that its, to quote one of my favorite jokes/lines in vbros, "a game of cat and also cat": there are highs and lows, wins and losses, for both parties because they are worthy adversaries, they are contemporaries. i think kris Does do a lot of shitty toxic things to phoenix, but i dont think phoenix is above giving some of that energy back during the 7 years they know and are circling each other. To Me its very much unhealthy obsession by the blake robinson synthetic orchestra, theyre Definitely stalking each other

and also they fuck nasty

[hdsc-ace]

Acosmist - Moonknight

IV. Help

Masterlist Part 3 Rest of my work.

Warnings: none.

Lucilla Spector arrives home and goes remembers the issues.

"Jesus." Lucilla sighed as she slammed her apartment door closed. "I'm sorry Mr Harrow but I haven't spoken to my brother within the past hour." She bagan to mock, head falling back to rest against her door. "I lived better at the Shiva than today."

If the girl ranked how bad her lies were; she'd rank today's on the top. It was absolutely pathetic. She wouldn't be surprised if Mr Harrow knew what Lucilla was hiding already. Heck, the girl didn't know what she was trying to hide herself.

Before this one the worst preforming lies from Lucilla Spector was her Mother's Shiva. That day Lucilla couldn't tell what was the truth or a lie.

She knew Marc was contemplating attending before she even saw him. He never had a good connection with their mother, especially after Randell. However whether his lack of attendance was something Lucilla couldn't figure out of reason for.

Whether it was guilt or anger, Lucilla didn't know. The only thing she knew was she remembers Marc across the street from her as she was about to enter the house, a bottle concealed within a bag in his hand. She couldn't still remember the small smile they gave each other as Lucilla waved to her brother. Marc only watched her for a moment before he left.

Their entire family that attended the Shiva questioned Lucilla on where Marc was and she couldn't give an accurate answer. Instead the common answer she thought of was that "he's spending time with Layla."

That was the first lie. The next where built upon the girl's life which she continued to lie about. Back then, Lucilla had no life and no purpose. This was even before Ptah.

"Ugh!" She screamed, throwing her phone across the room as it was the only thing in the vicinity. It landed with a loud crash and crack to add to the array of imperfections on the screen. "I can't I do one simple thing." Lucilla groaned.

Lucilla never lied.. well never did. She never lied because she was quite frankly never good at it because when she did the situation only ever got worse and never better.

The only reason she began to lie was once she met Ptah, after her life began to fall apart.

Lucilla never accepted help either. It pained her that Harrow seemed like he wanted to help the girl. She could of easily accepted it if she admitted she needed help when it was offered.

She was always taught doing something alone always gave the best results. "I can't do anything right." The girl grumbled before curling up into a ball. "I can't accept help."

"You did once." Ptah reassured the girl as he appeared sat next to Lucilla. "I say that was progress."

Twice. She ever accepted help twice in her life willingly and only one of them stuck around. The other left when she didn't want it to.

"One encounter doesn't matter." Lucilla shrugged, "This left me with nothing."

"No one said mortal life is easy." Ptah explained, "Being an avatar is no help. I am aware of that. However Khonshu has provided you an opportunity."

"Marc won't listen." The girl shrugged, wrapping her arms around her legs. "He never even cared. Besides I only stayed for Layla."

One thing Marc never saw Lucilla as was family. Not even as his sister. He lasted long enough with Lucilla by his side until he dumped her on the side of the road.

The girl had no friends at the time and it was only Marc until he left home. It wasn't until Layla found her and took her in. She didn't know Layla and Marc were connected until he find Lucilla sat in Layla's living room one day. He wasn't happy to find his sister and wife were close.

He probably didn't want a another thorn in his side again.

"Try and trust again, Lucilla." Ptah argued, "This is an alternative circumstance. I am certain he will listen to you now."

The girl forced a smile at the hood. There was an odd second of silence in her head before the thoughts began piling in again. "When will you re-pick?" She questioned, sliding her legs away from her chest.

"Not for a long time." He responded, "I see no need to switch to an avatar that doesn't provide accurate results."

"At least I'm good for something." Lucilla chuckled slightly as her head rested against the door.

A comfortable silence washed over the duo as time pasted. Ptah stayed beside her, never once leaving as the girl's mind skimmed over the day's events.

It was strange to see Marc again after two months but he wasn't exactly Marc. But there's no surprise that he didn't want anything to do with Lucilla.

"Phone." She pricked her head up at Ptah's mumble before glancing in the direction of her phone. It laid across the room with its screen continuously flashing as a jumble of messages pile through. Which was odd, only because Lucilla had no one to blow up her phone like that.

She didn't move towards the device. Whoever it was that was trying to contact the girl most likely was Layla. However, she didn't care at this precise second.

"Answer it." Ptah commands, his figure appearing above the phone as if he was looking at the contact. "It will help." He added, turning around to look at Lucilla as the room was filled with only the small buzzes from her phone.

The girl groaned slightly before crawling over to her phone. She once again slid down against the wall, pulling her phone into her hand.

The continuous flashing of the screen didn't phase Lucilla as much as the new crack that formed upon the screen. It was more than a crack, the whole screen was shattered but wasn't at the same time. She really should've invested in that screen protector. The bottom half of the screen was completely broken to the point where Lucilla slid her thumb across it, making her thumb bleed. It stung almost as much as a paper cut.

Lucilla shook her hand in pain before placing her thumb within her mouth so she could suck away the blood.

The top half of the phone, on the other hand, was fine. Apart from the few cracks that has been there for many years. At least she could see the numerous of notifications piling through.

Her breath hitched as she began to read them.

Miss call from Marc Spector Unread message from Marc Spector New voicemail

There was at-least seven of them that repeated a similar cycle of being from Marc.

At times like these Lucilla questioned what goes through Marc's brain. One minute he was acting like her never wanted her there but the next he's blowing up her phone. It was usually something most people would assume was him caring but was actually him trying to cover up his mistakes.

Was she happy to see Marc again? Sure, she was, however one thing Lucilla wasn't looking forward to was what would occur if he did stick around.

Lucilla carefully unlocked her phone and tried to decipher the words upon her screen. She had 15 voicemails. All from the past hour. All from Marc.

There was no doubt Khonshu had a plan which made Marc do this. The God knew Ptah wanted to help, but it just dragged Marc back to Lucilla.

Her fingers grazed over to her messages, where more notifications from Marc sat unopened.

Luck. Answer the call. Please. I just need to talk. For Layla's sake. Answer. Lucilla. Please.

It didn't take long for the messages to become repetitive; repeating the same line over and over again. He never had anything new to say.

Lucilla inhaled deeply before switching back over to her voicemails. She scrolled through the beginning as more began to pile through. Ignoring the new ones, Lucilla pressed play on the first voicemail and sat in silence.

"Hey Luck." Marc greeted in an out of breath tone. "I know I made the impression earlier that I didn't want you here but I need you. You're the only one around here I can talk to about this, that will actually understand."

She scoffed at his words. He didn't need her. He didn't need anyone. "Can you please call me back? I'm sorry but I can't take no for an answer right now. J-Just don't disappear."

"Need me my arse." Lucilla mumbled, knowing Ptah could hear her and the voice message.

"He came back." The God reasoned as Lucilla watched his figure stand before her.

"You did say Khonshu would crack." The girl shrugged, resting her head upon her knees that were against her chest once again.

"That was no act of Khonshu." Ptah stated through thin air.

Lucilla frowned at her phone for a moment, allowing her expression to soften quickly as she let out a small laugh. Of course it was Marc choosing to come back to her. It was definitely a change in events for once. However, this only meant he needed something from Lucilla.

Silence filed the room again as knock hit the door. Lucilla froze before quickly placing her phone down. "Who is it?" She called out cautiously. There was a numerous number of people who could be at the girl's door and only one of them was someone she wanted, Layla.

"Marc." The stranger introduced themself through the door. "Luck, if we can talk for just a second." He began to explain.

"Go away Marc." Lucilla ordered loudly, making her way to the door. "I saw nothing, right?" I always see nothing."

Her tone dropped as Lucilla opened the door to Marc covered in sweat, just like he ran a marathon. He was out of breath as-well. A part of the girl wanted to question so many things about her brother but she couldn't.

"Luck." Marc breathed out softly, "I'm sorry."

Lucilla completely ignore the apology and changed the topic, "what did you steal?" She didn't want to continue to listen to the meaningless comments again.

"Can we talk about this inside?" He gestured inside Lucilla's apartment. The girl stood for a moment before pushing her door open even further, allowing Marc to walk inside.

[spikeinthepunch]

ive been thinking this for quite a while now but i havent felt attached to like. any kind of sona at all for some time. and this does happen quite often when i fixate on a fandom but my "fixation" has been er, a full year so. its not the fixations id get purely during my manic episodes lol. and even prior i was consumed by things like rping and i didnt pay much attention at all to sonas because i was busy doing that.

and like i have never considered myself a person whos legit furry for that reason bc i am 1) not involved in fandom and 2) my fursonas simply have just been a visual extension of myself that i usually dont stick to or see as anything more than a slight mascot than myself. or that very least, i may have felt more strongly attached to them as a kid-teen but, i dont as much anymore as i have felt less reason to project myself into designs? i guess? im not really sure.

something something recovery and change. i guess. i undeniably swapped around fursonas and names because i just had no sense of self. every time i had a manic ep i wanted to throw away whatever identity i had (and i often did for a while)- i can pick out very specific points in my life based off my sonas through the years alone lol.

i dont want ot say growing up has changed this because growing up doesnt exactly have to do with it. but i have spent a lot of time figuring out my personal problems and putting love into a fandom thing thats always been a big part of my life (and had denied myself the joy from) and its not at all related to fursonas. i feel better enough abt my current self that i am not relating to those old sonas, and i just havent had a drive to make a new fursona. and i have felt that for a while, and even wanted to draw art of me as a human, but like,... hesitated? which is odd to point out but it was kind of like i felt people expected me to only draw Me in the form of a fursona.

currently mikike is just a mascot. it will exist on my website and such for little assets and design stuff. right now it is also my minecraft skin but that is something i am altering away from it in order to fit something better for the format. still, it isnt my sona and itll stay the way it is bc i am not attaching it to my actual feelings. so yeah, outside of that little creature, i really just havent visualized myself in that fantasy sona kind of way and i just dont feel like it right now.

[fraener]

9/8/2024

long day of laying down until a flurry of activity with work and coming home and speaking to my loved ones on the phone. dinner bubbling away on the stove and the aching icelike creak of the burner heating and cooling is rhythmic. fighting now to find the good. i spent so much of the day crying in bed unable to move under the weight of knowing the truth about it, that h just cant understand me and doesnt or cant make the effort to do so. i keep feeling like theres just no point in even telling him why im upset because i think if i do hell either feign ignorance or really just not get it. i feel tricked and cheated all the time because of how he likes to play dumb and hide things from me. he just doesnt trust me and so in turn its impossible for me to trust him. although, instead of sending me into the outward insecurity spiral where id be begging for attention and rushing after him, it makes me disgusted and disappointed and hurt and withdrawn. i told him i didnt want to see him today and he stopped responding to my texts. saw his car at the dispensary on my way home and felt my stomach drop just a little, like i didnt like him being so close to my house. im grateful to live somewhere now it would be much more obvious if he came to look in my windows. i think i feel the edge underneath which i could pull and topple it all, and every time i feel that sharp little ledge i choose not to lift. similarly, there doesnt seem any point in ending it, because i have nothing better to do. i lost my faith in the satisfaction of telling people exactly what thyeve done wrong so they have to face the truth of it. or, faith in the satisfaction of ending it. i wonder when passivity becomes cruel and when it is that i should choose to do hard kindnesses. tomorrow i want to be better, today was only getting good towards the end. spouts and lids today at work, next 3 classes ill encourage them to modify their forms and try new things. i have work wednesday and i forgot...its good i wont go to the city after all. starting a new 101 class, teaching them back to back. soon my schedule will be just mondays and tuesdays off, then for a little while i think it may be just mondays off, then sundays and mondays if i am careful. it isnt hard to work at the ceramics studio, often welcome reprieve at the end of my darker days. ive moved and started a new job and somehow nothing has changed. i am feeling so many different griefs right now. tomorrow i hope bg can lift my spirits. for now im tired.

but i think i should say s confessed hes never had any attraction to me. from that point i think i am seeing him truer without hope in the way, or fantasy, or whatever it is. he is so so dear to me. we get closer every day and i am so glad to know him. ive really gotten to a new level or depth with both him and f, it feels beyond any love ive known no matter what the shape of relationship. somehow more intimate than a lover, more patient and understanding than family, more dedicated than a friend. for this i can be grateful, for the continued care of c's garden, my very very strange new life which feels like an odd and unknowable pitstop that i am afraid of but dont need to fear. i talked to kk on the phone today too- briefly, about ceramics, about our students. there is love for me in the world, i have love for it too. its so sad to me that a year ago i wrote that i felt h was far from me and i didnt know how much longer wed be together. so odd weve survived this long in our terrible purgatory state. as i said a year ago, i thought wed be closer by now. c'est la vie.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #642

Top Ten Games from the 2024 Summer Showcases

Okay, so the other week I swore I wouldn’t do this – literally writing a Top Ten about favourite gaming reveals of the past because I didn’t think I was bothered enough to actually write about this year’s crop of announcements and CG trailers. However, I’ve been swirling around the various separate shows for a couple of weeks now, and I’ve decided to just do a quick roundup of the most interesting games that were shown regardless.

Besides, I’ve left it late this week and I don’t have a lot of time.

So really there’s not much to it, and very little in the way of preamble. This week I’m looking back at the last few weeks’ worth of gaming showcases – from Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, Ubisoft, Geoff Keighly, Devolver, etc – and basically just picking the games that I think looked the best, or excited me the most. This isn’t necessarily a list of new announcements; I don’t really mean a bunch of games that I’d never heard of before. Rather, it’s just a list of games that either excited me just by existing, or by showing me something of themselves that I’d not seen before, didn’t know about, or just made the whole thing seem more, well… exciting. I’ve said that word far too much. “Proper bangin’”. Is that better?

Maybe next week will be funny.

Sid Meier’s Civilization VII (Firaxis Games): nothing but a name, an announcement, and a generic pre-rendered trailer, but already I’m salivating. Civ VI is my most-played game of all time, and there’s no way I’m not getting this bugger day one. Day One! And it’s launching on console and PC at once. The next decade of my life disappears here.

Perfect Dark (The Initiative/Crystal Dynamics): I wasn’t expecting to see proper gameplay of this long-awaited title, especially given the rumours of troubled development. The original game is an all-timer for me, so I’m a bit nervous that in “modernising” it they’ll lose the elements I love. But this is so, so promising: it looks like there’s a proper mission structure, with gadgets and infiltration, but perhaps a more emergent style of gameplay, coupled with some first-person parkour. Early days – I’m guessing it’s a 2026 release – but optimistic. Even if I doubt we’ll see Elvis back.

Fable (Playground Games): I nearly didn’t include this as I don’t feel it did much more than, well, show a bit more. It already looked like Playground had nailed the irreverent British humour, and the realistic, naturalistic graphics continue to look fantastic. We got – I believe – some proper gameplay here, and, well, it looks like Fable. Knowing it’s coming within the next eighteen months is tantalising.

Mixtape (Beethoven and Dinosaur): I always get really excited by adventure games, even if I tend to drift away from them before completion for some dumb reason. But hopefully Mixtape’s, er, mix of groovy nineties nostalgia, teen movie drama, and stylised jerky animation – at times like stop-motion, at others like it’s “animated on twos” – plus a phenomenal soundtrack, will burrow it into my must-play list. Also: Life is Strange: Double Exposure has reminded me that I must go back and complete the first game.

Winter Burrow (Pine Creek Games): basically Stardew Valley meets Brambley Edge, this gorgeous-looking farm/life sim about teeny tiny mice is the sort of potential time-sink that can devour families. It doesn’t look like it’s doing anything new, but it’s doing it with such style. And the wintry, melancholy tone of the trailer is giving me The Secret of NIMH vibes, which ain’t no bad thing.

Age of Mythology: Retold (World’s Edge): I had the first game, twenty-odd years ago; I think I bought it for my wife (we weren’t married back then, mind) because we both loved the Age of Empires series. But a crazier, more bombastic, mythology-flavoured version of Age, with the dynastic equivalent of superweapons, is right up my pantheon. Plus it’s all modern and pretty now, and the team’s recent Age of Empires IV was superb.

Screenbound (Crescent Moon Games): one that had been shown off before, but it was part of the Day of the Devs session, so I’m including it; because its trippy mechanic is worth looking at over and over. Basically, you simultaneously control a character moving in 3D space as well as a character moving in a 2D level on a GameBoy-style handheld. How it works, I dunno; but colour me intrigued.

Petal Runner (Nano Park Studios): the sort of groovy RPG that I’d love to devote time to, but will probably just play for an hour (I’m sorry, Cassette Beasts and Sea of Stars). But outside of the bizarre, Pokémon-delivery mechanic, it takes the 8-bit aesthetic to new heights by giving us, essentially, a lost GameBoy game, complete with pixelated four-colour graphics. Fascinating!

Indiana Jones and the Great Circle (Machine Head): I’ll be honest, I don’t think this game looks amazing; I think it’ll be entirely entertaining from start to finish, just a great, fun time. It’s not flat-out gorgeous, the gameplay doesn’t look particularly innovative, and I’m not sold on the whip. But I just think it’ll be really enjoyable, a good time. Plus they’ve utterly, totalled nailed the Indiana Jones-ness of it, especially with Troy Baker’s uncanny Harrison Ford impression. It won’t be game of the year, but I can’t wait to play it.

Astro Bot (Team Asobi): propping up the list because I don’t actually have a PS5, but this game still looks adorable. It feels like these sorts of platformers are very rare outside of Nintendo, so I’m glad Sony are going full-bore mascot-jumping-game. It’s also cute how it’s just an advert for PlayStation, up to and including a spaceship that’s literally a PS5. Come on, Microsoft; give us a self-referential Banjo Threeie!

Just bubbling under is The Plucky Squire, which looks adorable, innovative, and fantastic, but which I’m discounting as I’m not sure if was officially shown as part of one of these showcase events, and was “just” previewed to press. Seeing as it was previously revealed and I’ve already seen footage of its quirky 2D-then-3D dynamic, I’ve decided not to allow it into the list proper. Basically, there were loads of games I wanted to mention, and this way I get a sneaky 11th one, so it’s all good.

[kusundei]

keep trying to. ignore it. because i dont feel like being evil. but its like truly truly bothering me..?? its weird bcuz i was in a worse situation earlier this week which would’ve probably incited a tweak but didnt rlly happen. idk whats going on today its just iiii have been filled w a . dread. like. overwhelming dread. plagued me since maybe 4th period??? then kept evolving. had a down spiral during math and maybe that was because of . maya’s comment. because oh god forbid it caused everyone to start pestering me and? i thought everyone forgot about that??? also being reminded of the haircut tmr. hate them for two different reasons and its - 1. i always get fucked up and. - 2. tina.

tina freaks me out. shes kind. known her for so long cuz of my mom of course but ? her face ? scares me ? it truly is just that seeing her reminds me of HIM. i tend to kinda block it all out and not think ab it as anything more than a. bad thing that happened to me. to a degree it never truly feels real till i see her again. then i am reminded that no that was real and that happened to me and jt permanently fucked me up. or when i start getting that weird pain again. ive been on and off like rlly anxious ab it since??? i was told?? but its getting worse

its not rlly like its the same building. that location doesnt exjsr anymore but god forbid i pass by the building on occasion going to safeway or passing by my old apt and. oh the fear. cuz the room is glass. can see the whole interior and it scares meee sooo much^_^ i have a bad time remembering things till its right in front of me again and THEN i recall it all. oh but surely ill be fine??? its no big deal. he wont find me. wouldnt even recognize me. of course tina wouldn’t have him around or anything it truly is fine. I AM FINE AND I AM NORMAL. just still bothered because why am i. still. tweakish

i sorta know but i dont. jusr been. plagued w guilt since earlier today. i have no idea if he noticed or he saw but even the thought that maybe he did freaks me out. but i did that to myself??? if he were to lash me and condemn me and hate me then that is truly. my fault. though i know he wouldnt JUST REMINDS ME OF HOW NERVOUS I GOT EARLIER WHILE HE WAS GONE but im fine. im fine and im normal. i just still feel bad. the candy was a bad idea too PERCHANCE IT DOESNT RLLY HAVE CAFFEINE IN IT but it has caused me to fiend. and maybe its some sort of like placebo affect i have no idea i just. im normal. not enough bad things have happened to me today to truly justify how i feel right now and j think thats the bad part. not allowing myself to feel it because its not justified. its just me being evil towards myself and j cannot control it and its makinf me. odd

idk i. just. keep distracting myself and then going back. and being evil?? the evil thing didnt leave me at all though. woke up still feeling bad. i can only pray to god that i’ll be okay tomorrow and. my mom will spare me? im not repenting. i keep feeling like i should be because of the guilt but no. bad things do not need to happen because there r good things in my life. even jf ajax knows he wouldnt lash me. would he? he wouldnt. hes normal. im normal. i wont speak it into existence because it is not real and i am just sabotaging myself and making myself ill. everything. is okay. i love my boyfriend. i think he is sending me freaky things. perchance ill try to enable myself to feel better and be okay^_^ not like im not okay. im always okay. im just feeling. less. okay than usual^_^ oh god i feel so guilty its killing me