#because it's safer to let my stalker know when I'm online

[getvalentined]

Cons to Dreamwidth: You cannot block people from following your blog or getting alerts when you post publicly, and you cannot remove followers or subscribers. This means that if you want to keep someone from getting a notification every time you post something, you have to permanently set your entire blog's security to friends-only visibility. When a friend and I asked about this, because I have a stalker that is currently still subscribed to my old DW account whose affiliation I cannot remove, we were both told in no uncertain terms that there is no intention to ever change this, and if someone in my position wants to feel remotely safe on their platform they should just lock down their account and hide forever.

The rest is good, I'm not gonna lie, but I can't use it because the owner literally said that people in my position should just hide forever if they don't want someone who literally tried to kill them to get a notification every single time they post something.

If that's not a concern of yours, then by all means use DreamWidth. It's a good platform with good features made and maintained by good people. I know I'm a (fairly) unique circumstance, and I wouldn't tell anyone not in my position to avoid the platform.

Near as I can tell, Dreamwidth's biggest selling points right now are:

Porn is allowed

NFTs/crypto can fuck off (more info from one of the site owners)

Posts viewed in (reverse) chronological order

Actual privacy options

I can't say it's everything your average Tumblrite wants, but it's still a helluva lot better than far too many other options.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, you can call me Pronoun Anon. I briefly mention sexual trauma and stalking. I'm not sure if this is the right blog to ask but you always answer people in such a nice and nonjudgmental way, I wanted to come here for some advice and opinions.

I have never questioned being anything other than a cis female and go by she/her pronouns. A few years ago I was targeted by an abusive stalker ex and had some other traumatic incidents where guys disrespected my boundaries and made me feel uncomfortable. I also faced a lot of misogynistic comments (guys telling me they could do whatever they wanted to me and that my thoughts didn't matter since I'm just a girl and can't have my own thoughts anyway).

Basically because I'm a girl and they wanted me and I didn't feel the same way, men made my life a living hell and I went through some of the worst mental health periods of my life, including having to go to the hospital. These were guys I met at public events, saw me, felt attracted to me, and wanted to pursue something more than just friendship, and wouldn't listen to me when I said no. Not even in a rude way or anything but just me letting them know I wanted us to stay friends, and them arguing with me that "guys and girls can't be just friends" and continuously trying to pressure me into romance and sex with them while ignoring my discomfort.

I stayed out of public events for a while, but now one is coming up that my friend invited me to (it would be my first one in four years). And… I kind of feel inclined to have people call me by they/them or it/its in public? I haven't had anyone try it out on me but I feel like it might be more comfortable. (I'm also interested in some neopronouns I feel connected to, but feel like even they/them and it/its may be hard for people to get used to, or seem "snowflake-y" to people who already know me as a cis girl who wants to change pronouns now)

I don't get bothered by she/her because it's what I've gone by my whole life both offline and online, and have always thought of myself cis, but when I'm in places where there are men around me looking at me in a prefatory way, I want to "detach" myself from that, and not be "seen as a girl" (I also don't wear feminine clothes anymore, and stick to more androgynous fashion styles).

I also feel like it's a matter of kind of wanting a "fresh start" from my old self. Like people remember me as she/her so this kind of gives me a chance at a new identity (I also plan on going by a different nickname in public, since my old nickname was very unique and recognizable).

Just wanted some thoughts on this because it might be impacting my near future and I'm not sure what exactly to think of it. Like Idk if it's even "reasonable" to begin with and I don't want to start telling my friends to call me by different pronouns in public if it's going to seem weird or fake. Does where I'm coming from make sense?

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through. That sounds really distressing to experience, and I hope you've found some healing.

If using other pronouns in certain settings is what would make you feel more comfortable, then that's a perfectly valid reason to use them. It's also okay to use more than one set of pronouns - you can use they/them, it/its, or whatever other pronouns you had in mind along with she/her pronouns.

I think it's absolutely understandable to want to detach from feeling preyed upon, especially in public settings, and I totally get how femininity can be tightly interwoven with that feeling. I also used to be a cis girl but after some sexual trauma by a boy I started exploring my gender expression and I found that "dressing masculine" actually made me feel safer because I didn't feel targeted. I write about this more in detail in my expose, so if you're interested to hear what I wrote, feel free to ask.

I also just want to say that I really resonate with the idea of a fresh start and a new identity. I changed my name to something more masculine (although I tend not to tell the internet what it is) and in my experience I do feel that it has served that purpose for me, so maybe that will come to fruition for you as well.

There's a common misconception that pronouns indicate gender identity, which isn't necessarily true. Like you can identify as a cis girl and use they/them pronouns, you can identify as a trans man and use she/her pronouns, whatever makes sense to you. So while it's perfectly okay to explore your gender identity, you can use whatever pronouns you feel comfortable using, even if you continue to identify as cis. If people find it weird or fake, then maybe those people don't deserve you.

Ultimately, don't let other people's treatment of you stop you from going out and enjoying yourself.

I hope I could help, please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[argentconflagration]

(cw: brief self-harm mention)

I hope this is fine, if you want me to not push back on things like this tell me, but I'm going to push back on this a little.

Overprotection is a real danger to kids, so it's important to make sure we're not perpetuating that. So when I see advice like this, that's far more conservative than the principles I myself live by, alarm bells start going off in my head. A big part of overprotection has to do with adults seeing young people as not being full people with their own needs beyond indulging adults' desire for the "Safety Of Children" (which could be its own essay unto itself). Another part of it is adults seeing young people as naturally controlled by adults, where they expect young people to obey random adults on the internet. So let me go into more detail about this specific past to explain what I mean.

The first pitfall of overly-cautious advice, of course, is that oftentimes it's not followed at all, for exactly that reason. Following all these rules will have a genuine negative effect on a person's ability to authentically connect with people online, and not everyone is going to be willing to make that trade-off, and they are completely within their rights to do so. For example, if I wasn't able to tell my online friends where I live, it would be harder to communicate the particular difficulties I'm experiencing living here, which are a big part of my life right now. Sharing pics is another thing that's a big part of human connection, that would have a genuine impact on my friendships if removed.

But the other thing that I'm trying to get at is that overprotection doesn't make people (including young people) safer. If I'd followed the guidelines, and hadn't met either of my girlfriends, it's hard to say where I'd be right now, but there's no question that it'd be somewhere less safe, because I'd have so much less social support for everything in my life. Another trivial example out of hundreds is one time when I was feeling depressed to the point of having self-harm urges, and an online friend (using my real address) ordered me food so that, among other things, I wouldn't have to enter the kitchen to prepare food myself. Even more than that--one of my girlfriends was able to take me in when I was homeless a couple years ago, and is arguably the reason that I currently have a stable income and stable housing. I am vastly safer for not having followed these guidelines.

Lest this post come off as "safety from online predators and stalkers isn't important", let me offer some alternate advice:

- The above guidelines are reasonable for interacting with strangers online / things to avoid posting publicly where anyone can find it

- It's entirely possible for someone to be 100% lying about who they are online, and easier on places like tumblr where nearly everything is asynchronous

- Make a pseudonym for yourself online, there's really no need to tell people even your real first name at all

- Someone who knows your home address/school/place of work has the ability to find you if they want to

- Trust is a gradual process. One of the things people might try to do is pressure you with things like "Don't you trust me?" People who pressure you to trust them are people you shouldn't trust.

- If you meet up with someone,

- bring at least one other person, preferably an adult you can trust

- meet up in a public location with lots of other people

- Trust your gut.

how to keep yourself safe online

since parents are failing here, these are some basic rules kids

-dont tell them your name

-don’t tell them the state, city, area you live in

-don’t tell them what school you go to

-dont give them your number

-don’t share pics, catfishing is a thing

-dont ever agree to meet up