#because it makes the twisting of that friendship and loyalty so much more devastating

[idonthaveanyurlideas]

hanging out :) workshopping new music :) they r buddies

[david-blackthorn]

I havnt read those books in the shadowhunter chronicles yet, what are your favorite things about them? (Im curious whether I should read them or not since I have such a big tbr already)

Oh maaan you're in for a ride

I have no idea which series in the Shadowhunter Universe you meant exactly but i'll start with my fav

Part I:

The Dark Artifices:

Do you ever feel like your soul needs a good mix of romantic pining, chaotic battles, and emotional devastation? The Dark Artifices is calling your name.

But seriously if you love stories that combine heart-pounding action, deep family bonds, and characters so real you’ll find yourself thinking about them long after you've finished the books? This is the series for you!

This series follows a family of Shadowhunters in sunny Los Angeles (yes, there are beaches AND demon fights) as they deal with forbidden love, ancient laws that make no sense, and plot twists that will leave you staring at the ceiling at 3 AM like: what just happened.

It’s got:

Two people who can’t be together because of reasons but have enough chemistry to destroy you.

A goofy warlock with more secrets than anyone is ready for.

A soft boy who paints and probably writes poetry but will absolutely murder you if you hurt his siblings and childhood friend.

A broody faerie loner who says “I work alone” but would probably die for his friends.

“I would die for my siblings, but also, they’re so annoying” energy.

Found-family dynamics that will have you texting your friends, “DO YOU SEE THIS?”

And, of course, the *painful but addictive* mix of love, loyalty, and chaos...

Enemies-to-lovers? No, wait—friends-to-lovers? Actually, it’s more like "reluctantly obsessed but too emotionally constipated to say it."

Three people staring dramatically at each other like ‘Is this polyamory or a REALLY complicated love triangle?

Characters who will make you scream, “JUST COMMUNICATE,” but you’ll love them anyway.

Enough family angst to fuel a therapy session for years.

A genius, autistic boy who solves mysteries but can’t solve the mystery of his own feelings

Main characters? Let’s just say there’s a parabatai bond that’s more complicated than your high school crush.

The plot? Fast-paced, full of betrayal, and packed with vicious fight scenes.

The family? Everything is fine...except when it’s not.

The romance? You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll probably scream and definitely ship things that should not be shipped. :)

Basically a murder mystery, faerie politics, and the most relatable struggle of all: Trying to keep your family alive and well while the world is falling apart.

Fair warning: you’ll never emotionally recover (and you’ll love every second).

part II:

The Mortal Instruments:

If you’re looking for a fast-paced urban fantasy series full of adventure, humor, and heart, you need to pick up The Mortal Instruments.

It’s got everything: shadowy secrets, epic battles, forbidden love, and enough twists and turns to keep you hooked from start to finish. Plus, the friendships and family bonds will hit you right in the feels.

If you like:

Hot people with emotional trauma

Family dynamics so messy even you would say "y’all need therapy"

Enemies-to-lovers-to-enemies-to-allies-to-love(maybe) but make it *gay*

Bonus gay dads with actual functional communication (because someone has to balance the chaos)

A love triangle that's not technically a triangle, but don't worry, it'll still destroy your soul

If you do then babe, let me introduce you to The Mortal Instruments:

It’s like Twilight, but everyone fights better is hotter and has sarcasm set to ✨maximum damage✨.

You'll question the characters' life choices, then realize your own aren’t much better.

There’s an overachieving golden boy with a superiority complex who definitely Googles his own name but is secretly baby.

A girl who just wants to vibe and maybe not be surrounded by apocalypses, but alas.

A cinnamon roll nerd who says, “I don’t want to be here,” but somehow ends up saving the day every time.

And a guy who walks in like: "I’m too goth for this mess," but then adopts everyone and pays for dinner.

The Mortal Instruments is what happens when an ex fanfic writer starts a writing carrier and makes a book series: chaotic, emotional, weirdly self-aware, and packed with heart. Read it. Your inner emo kid will thank you.

Bonus:

The plot? Like Supernatural on speed.

The dialogue? Whedon-esque but with more sass per square inch.

The drama? Every fanfic writer wishes they wrote this level of ✨chaotic bisexual disaster energy✨.

If this sounds appealing, congratulations! This series was literally written for you.

part III:

The Infernal Devices:

The Infernal Devices by Cassandra Clare is an absolute gem of a series, blending romance, adventure, and a touch of Victorian-era steampunk. If you love books with unforgettable characters, heart-wrenching love triangles (in the best way), and a beautifully atmospheric setting, this is the series for you.

It’s full of witty banter, emotional depth, and a story that stays with you long after you turn the last page. Trust me—there’s no ‘right’ team to root for, but you’ll love every moment of trying to decide.

The plot? Wild.

The romance? Devastating.

The side characters? Hot, chaotic, and probably more interesting than the main ones in most other books you’ve read.

Let’s not forget:

The Victorian Aesthetic™ (it’s giving Pinterest board).

A robot army that would make Skynet say, “You okay, bro?”

Poetry recitals that feel like life-or-death declarations.

And more tragic backstories than a Shakespearean play.

It's got:

a steampunk version of London where demons and shadowhunters roam the cobblestone streets, and your biggest problem isn’t the fog, but the ✨existential dread✨.

There’s a protagonist who just wanted to read books but accidentally became the center of everyone’s emotional drama (relatable queen).

A golden retriever boy who’s so perfect it physically hurts and is slowly dying.

And a sad boy™️ who looks like he stepped straight out of a My Chemical Romance album, only with a reading obsession.

A love triangle where instead of fighting, the two love interests are like, ‘Hey, what if we all just loved each other?’

Friendships so deep they’ll make you scream, “WHY CAN’T THE WORLD LET THEM BE HAPPY?”

A heroine who’s like, ‘Do I choose the guy who might secretly hate himself more than anyone else alive, or the literal angel in human form?’ (Spoiler: she chooses both. Iconic.)

Brooding boys who quote poetry in life-or-death situations (because of course they do).

*A love triangle where instead of fighting, the two love interests are like, ‘Hey, what if we all just loved each other?’

Start with Clockwork Angel and get ready to laugh, cry, and ugly sob over Will, Jem, and Tessa. But be warned: this series will RUIN you in the most beautiful way possible.

I won't write a summary of The Last Hours since i haven't finished it yet sorry babes, but hope you liked these *mwa*

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

"Know now we do that guide the creation of the clones from the beginning, Dooku did. [...] Valiant men the clones have proven to be. Save my life and yours they have many times. Believe in them we must."  — Master Yoda, TCW Season 6 Episode 10, The Lost One

Good soldiers follow orders.

Guys, I’m sad about the Jedi and the Clones, and I’ll make you all sad with me.

That foreshadowing exchange between Obi-Wan and Grievous is so powerful and so tragic that I can never cope with it. Obi-Wan is normally fun. He’s the guy who taunts Grievous at every turn, the guy who quips and makes light of his enemies’ threats. Here, he is furious. One of his fellow Masters (Eeth Koth) is still in danger (i.e: being tortured), and he just watched several of his men get mauled down by commando droids. So Obi-Wan is done - he is not here to play. 

And yet in his anger he is still so Jedi that he tries to understand. Why? What could possibly be worth mutilating your body and becoming Dooku’s servant? 

And Grievous tells him that he’s “no errand boy,” and that he’s got a grand army, and that he’s powerful now. And that just pisses Obi-Wan off even more, because he sees how pathetic Grievous truly is and he cannot fathom being so blind. 

When Obi-Wan says “an army with no loyalty, no spirit,” it’s obvious he’s comparing the droids to the Clones. That’s what’s heartbreaking. 

The Jedi have an army too, but theirs has loyalty and spirit. They don’t command it for power but out of duty, and they don’t see their troops as tools but as friends and comrades, brothers in arms. That’s worth infinitely more than Grievous’ hunks of metal, powerful as they may be, and Obi-Wan is outraged that Grievous could delude himself like this.

He yells the last questions, which he never does. Have you heard him yell at Dooku like that? At Ventress? Nope. Even with Maul, Obi-Wan never acts like this - but here he does because he is furious on his men’s behalf, he is furious at Grievous for so carelessly dismissing the value of life. The only other time I can think of where he shouts at someone in real anger (Satine doesn’t count) is on Mustafar with Anakin. That’s the level of pissed off he’s at.

And here comes the devastating part.

In the end, the two armies do end up being one and the same. The Clones lose their loyalty to their Generals, they lose their compassionate spirits that would have never allowed for the killing of children under their watch, and they end up being programmed. And the Jedi don’t ever see it coming, because they trust them so. freaking. much. The Jedi don’t see it coming because they, like Obi-Wan, appreciate their men and believe they are different from droids - the Clones are kind, they are intelligent, and they are their friends. And the Jedi would fight to defend this truth, just like Obi-Wan does. 

The Jedi ignore the fact that Dooku created the Clones, because that’s how much they believe in the Clones’ loyalty, and spirit, and free will. And in the end, the Order gets wiped out. What do they have to show for all the friendship, and the trust, and the love? The same thing Grievous had to show for all his “power.” Death, destruction, loss. What do they have to gain? Heartbreak and genocide.

The Jedi and their troops were a reverse image to Grievous’ twisted ambitions and his monstrous army, they were the foil to lust for power and the need for domination, and they still get the exact same fate as the bad guys. 

And damn, it hurts.

[thepapergirlandthespiegelman]

Castlevania Season 4: I’m not mad, just disappointed

Season 4 is poorly written fanfiction, which is...better than a lot of things could be, I guess.

Spoilers below the cut.

Content warning: trauma, sexual assault, psychological manipulation

The Gods Have Had a Change of Heart

Or, “Season 3 Blocked and Ignored”

Season 3 felt like the fabric of the universe had been twisted just to inflict additional pain. Season 4 overcompensates in the other direction; trauma evaporates, and good things happen for no other reason than to make our favorite characters happy.

The Season 3 finale left two characters in particular totally devastated: Alucard and Hector. Alucard is violently betrayed in a horrifying sexual assault by the first two people he’s spoken to since Trevor and Sypha left. He ends up killing them in self-defense and puts their bodies on stakes outside the castle, alluding to his father’s habit of doing so and potentially hinting at a turn toward evil. Hector is seduced by Lenore and then enslaved using a magic ring.

Yet at the start of Season 4, it’s as if these things never happened. Alucard is troubled, but not totally devastated, certainly not evil. Taka and Sumi are referenced in exactly one conversation with new character, Greta, in which she says the rather tactless throwaway line, “I had a boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time once. But they never tried to kill me.” Hector is nominally imprisoned, but immediately seems highly agentic, perhaps even more so than before. He studies, lays traps, and makes secret plans with other people. Furthermore, his relationship with Lenore is completely transformed. From falling to his knees in abject horror and despair at being enslaved, he suddenly switches to light banter, in what is apparently a basically okay, mutually enjoyed romantic/sexual relationship. Manipulative, selfish Lenore is now a sympathetic character struggling to reconcile her own role and feelings with Carmilla’s plans.

The events of season 3 happened, remaining canon in the most basic, literal sense. But the emotional weight attached to them has disappeared into thin air.

Not gonna lie, I did breathe a sigh of relief when I saw that Alucard and Hector were okay. I’m soft-hearted! I don’t like seeing characters I like suffer! I mean, conflict is important, and I can deal with (or even enjoy in a certain sense) seeing characters suffer if it makes sense and serves a narrative purpose. But as far as I can tell, the season 3 finale was nothing more than lurid, meaningless violence. I probably wouldn’t have continued watching the show if it devolved into nothing more than finding novel ways to torture the characters.

Still, it doesn’t feel quite right to pretend like nothing happened either. Or, really, not that nothing happened, but that those things didn’t matter, didn’t hurt, didn’t leave lasting scars. That’s...almost kind of worse.

But, I thought, I can sort of forgive this sudden shift in the stars, given that there may have been some sort of change in creative direction relating to Ellis’ decreased involvement with the show.* Plus, season 3 was insanity. It’s not like it was full of great writing choices, so if we quietly ignore some of them, maybe that’s for the best.

*I only later learned that Netflix actually chose to continue with Ellis’ season 4 scripts. It is not lost on me that maybe Ellis doesn’t know how to write about the lasting effects of traumatic sexual experiences or how power dynamics can make a sexual relationship problematic because he doesn’t understand that those things exist.

Characters Being Nobody and Nothing Happening

Pretty Pictures, Not Much Else

Unfortunately, the disconnect between seasons 3 and 4 isn’t the only problem with this season. Although I felt that season 4 was a bit less boring than season 3 (I particularly enjoyed some of the earlier episodes of season 4), it suffers from the same basic problems of Characters Being Nobody and Nothing Happening.

None of the characters experience any significant development, let alone any sort of coherent arc. Sypha has changed slightly, becoming more rough and jaded. I did really like the scene where she talks about becoming the kind of person who says “shit.” I think it really speaks to how entering into a relationship with someone means taking on aspects of their lifestyle, and how that can change you in ways that you can’t predict and therefore can’t exactly “agree” to. Sometimes those changes are good, sometimes they’re bad, sometimes they’re neutral, and sometimes it’s difficult to know. But you have to accept that you’re sacrificing some aspects of the person that you could have been if you chose to live completely independently, or with someone else.

Trevor really hasn’t changed since season 1 when he first decided to take up the mantle of hero again. Likewise with Alucard. Hector and Lenore change, as previously noted, but that change is sudden, jarring, and occurs completely off screen in between seasons 3 and 4. Carmilla dies as exactly as she lived: bitter, angry, and violent. Saint Germain just kind of...gets fucked over in a nonsensical subplot, which is its own whole can of worms.

We also get several new characters in season 4, none of whom have developed personalities or motives, nor do they develop any of those things over the course of the season: Greta, Zamfir, Varney, Ratko.

And nobody. Does. Anything.

Trevor and Sypha spend the entire season trying to explore and aid Targoviste, which comes to absolutely nothing. They’re unable to help anyone, Zamfir dies, and they end up just jumping through a magic portal to the actually relevant subplot in the finale. Carmilla literally does little more than draw maps until she’s ultimately killed. Hector plays a minor role in Saint Germain’s extraction of Dracula from Hell; otherwise, he and Lenore basically just exchange banter. Saint Germain does sort of do some stuff? But it’s often unclear how he’s made his connections, who the people who are helping him are, or what exactly he’s doing in terms of his magic beyond “whatever it takes to get back to his lover.”

Sure, there are fight scenes, but they feel meaningless. There’s no context, no stakes. There’s also a LOT of dialogue, and it is. Not well written. Exposition is embarrassingly clumsy at times, and the philosophical musings are cliche at best, muddled and confusing at worst. There’s just not all that much going on.

That is, except for Isaac. But more on him in a second.

What Kind of Show Is This?

When the plot line adapted from Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse ended with season 2, the show struggled to establish a new identity.

Despite nominally dealing with themes like whether humanity is inherently good or evil and how to cope with wrongdoing and loss, seasons 1 and 2 ultimately boiled down to a pretty generic action-adventure/fantasy plot with found family/power of friendship elements. Main characters Trevor, Sypha, and Alucard don’t really wrestle with big philosophical questions or suffer any major defeats. They know that they have to take down Dracula for the good of the world, and they work together as a team to do it, with a little character development relating to their various backstories sprinkled in.

Then season 3 happened, and things got weird. The trio is broken up for what feels like a pretty trivial reason—Alucard has to protect the castle and Belmont hold, I guess? And the result of that decision is that the dynamics for the three main characters are completely unbalanced.

Ellis openly admits that he basically went feral with the writing of season 3, and it shows. The messaging in seasons 1 and 2 was cliche, but consistent. The message of season 3? Anyone’s guess.

Season 4 reversed the darkening of tone from season 3, but shares its inability to pick a story and tell it.

Isaac is the Main Character

Always has been.

While I can’t say that his character or arc are perfect, I can say that he actually has a character and an arc. He starts off motivated by his fierce loyalty to Dracula, then has to struggle to find his purpose once Dracula is gone. He goes from subservient to agentic. He goes from fully endorsing the genocide of humanity and not caring about his own life to seeing some worth in humans and genuinely wanting to live. He has an interesting moment that deepens our understanding of what night creatures are, while also serving as an exploration of the meaning of one’s fundamental nature. Most importantly, these changes happen naturally over the course of the show. They never feel forced or out of the blue, and while I feel like even more could have been done with Isaac’s character, there’s a lot to appreciate about what is there.

If there’s any thread holding Castlevania as a single, coherent work together, it’s Isaac. Not only is his character the best executed and the most coherent over the course of the show, his character explores themes that are larger than himself and relevant to the show as a whole, like those mentioned earlier: misanthropy versus a belief in the value of humanity; the ability to go beyond one’s “nature” or initial circumstances; and how to respond to being wronged or losing something important to you. Exploring the individual lives of characters is great, but really good writing usually requires going beyond that to reflect on broader questions and ideas. Isaac is the only character here that serves that larger purpose.

Sorry...I Just Don’t Buy It

The season 4 finale is crazy, although in a different way from season 3′s.

Varney being Death makes no sense on several different levels. I’m not going to spend a lot of time picking that particular plot twist apart, but I will talk about why I think it doesn’t work at the largest scale, and how I think season 4 might have been done better.

Last minute twists with zero foreshadowing are rarely a good idea, and this is no exception. Why introduce this “Death” entity at the last minute to be the most important battle of the season? The finale of the entire show, even? Besides the lack of logic or emotional buildup, this robs the show of the opportunity to make use of the antagonists that it already has. Since Dracula died, Carmilla has been the obvious choice for a new big bad. Why hasn’t she done more?

Season 4 feels crowded with characters and plot lines that amount to nothing. Why not bring some of these characters together? If Carmilla is the main antagonist, how come she never meets any of the protagonists (except Hector, who is a pretty minor player in this ecosystem) or even affects them in any way?

Season 4 feels like maybe it was trying to make something out of season 3 and the model that it presented, but it ultimately fails to do so. The writers throw the trio back together at the end anyway, so why not have them rejoin sooner and work together? Maybe Sypha and Trevor’s past experience with Saint Germain could have helped Alucard and Greta piece together what he was plotting sooner, rather than all four of them being completely blindsided by it in the penultimate episode. (Sypha and Trevor know that someone is trying to resurrect Dracula, but they fail to find out any actual detail about the plans, despite their supposed attempts.) Have characters actually do stuff, figure stuff out, advance the plot!

Likewise, maybe Carmilla becomes aware of Saint Germain’s scheming, sees it as a threat, and tries to take him down. Maybe she tries to get involved and somehow use alchemy or the Infinite Corridor to her own benefit. What does it look like when power-hungry Carmilla, who wants to rule the world, finds out there’s an entire multiverse out there? That could easily set her up to be a foil to Saint Germain, causing him to realize that what he’s doing is wrong.

What actually ended up happening in the show feels disjointed and often empty. In particular, most of the events that happen in the last two episodes just don’t really work for me. I didn’t like Trevor suddenly sacrificing himself to this random, new, super powerful enemy, or how the gems and dagger that he found just happened to be the perfect weapon to kill this new enemy, or how he inexplicably returns from the dead.

This kind of thing is what I mean when I say that this season feels like fanfiction. Trevor comes back from the dead for no discernible reason other than that it would really suck if he died. Greta as a character seems to literally only exist to be Alucard’s girlfriend and support him so that he doesn’t have to continue to be alone and potentially turn evil. Alucard’s trauma from Taka and Sumi and Hector’s trauma from Lenore are both conveniently erased. Even Dracula and Lisa are resurrected somehow and get their happy ending. And it’s like, I guess I prefer deus ex machina to the opposite (Does that have a name? When everything is going well but then something terrible happens for no reason other than to make things worse for the characters?), but they’re both bad writing.

God. This isn’t even getting into what happened with the Council of Sisters. And I don’t even really like those characters, but that doesn’t mean I want to see their characters handled poorly.

I’m not sorry that I watched until the end, but I can’t in good faith recommend the show as a whole. If you’ve yet to watch Castlevania, just stop at the end of season 2. While there are some shining moments in seasons 3 and 4 (4 more than 3), it’s just really not worth it.

[fallencomrade]

                                                 ━━  𝟑s

                                                     please repost, don’t reblog.

𝟑 𝐒��𝐑𝐄𝐍��𝐓𝐇𝐒

   ▘  LOYALTY   ➺   a  shining  trait  of  james  barnes  that  ( somehow )  survived  the  passing  of  time  and  tribulation.  since  his  early  brooklyn  days,  bucky  barnes  displayed  a  steadfast  loyalty  and  dedication  towards  those  he  loved  and  cherished.  growing  up  during  a  time  when  there  was  a  heavy  emphasis  on  duty  and  responsibility,  james  understood  his  role  as  the  eldest  and  only  male  child  of  george  and  winifred  barnes  -  and  assumed  that  role  with  ease  and  enthusiasm.  this  loyalty  extended  beyond  blood  though,  as  was  proven  by  james’  devotion  to  close  friends,  the  most  notorious  being  his  everlasting  friendship  with  steven  rogers.  hydra  had  tried  to  weaponize  this  gleaming  trait,  hoping  to  mold  it  to  their  liking  and  use  it  to  instill  a  unquestionable  loyalty  to  their  cause.  they  were  pathetically  unsuccessful  -  and  the  chair  and  cryochamber  were  fashioned  as  a  result.  after  his  time  spent  with  hydra,  TRUST  is  something  barnes  deeply  struggles  with.  his  trusted  inner  circle  has  certainly  grown  smaller  and  much  more  exclusive,  but  james  still  harbors  this  same  dedication  to  those  selected  few.  given  his  past  and  his  current  afflictions,  those  bonds  he  does  manage  to  forge  prove  all  the  more  stronger  and  resilient.

  ▘  TENACITY   ➺   the  serum  only  enhanced  that  which  already  existed  within  him.  childhood  was  spent  surviving  the  rough  and  tumble  of  brooklyn  city  streets,  made  all  the  more  grueling  with  steve  rogers  as  a  best  friend.  as  such,  barnes  learned  at  a  very  young  age  how  to  assess  a  situation,  adapt  to  his  surroundings  and  ( most  importantly )  how  to  survive.  dance  hall  skirmishes  and  back  alley  brawls  were  nothing  though  compared  to  the  brutalities  of  war.  still,  it  was  this  grit  that  helped  the  young  man  not  only  survive  but  excel  as  a  sergeant.  the  army  soon  discovered  that  this  notorious  flirt  from  brooklyn  exhibited  a  certain  aptitude  for  sharpshooting.  this  impressive  talent  along  with  james’  natural  charisma  helped  to  build  him  a  trusted  reputation  within  the  ranks  and  respect  among  his  comrades.  these  talents  were  also  what  made  the  man  such  a  formidable  soldier.  the  bastard - serum  amplified  these  strengths  and  hydra  WEAPONIZED  them.  years  blurred  into  decades  and  his  skills  were  hellishly  refined  thanks  to  rigorous  and  ruthless  training.  the  winter  soldier  program  reconstructed  the  man  into  a  living,  breathing  weapon  capable  of  handling  any  firearm,  blade,  explosive,  advanced  weaponry,  artillery  or  blunt  object.  &&  if  he  truly  found  himself  limited  and  weaponless,  the  cybernetic  arm  soldered  to  his  body  proved  a  more  than  capable  alternative.  in  combat,  the  soldier  proved  a  devastating  force  and  hydra  was  quick  to  take  the  credit  and  reap  the  benefits,  but  this  staggering  ability  to  adapt  without  pause  and  utilize  his  surroundings  for  his  advantage  stemmed  not  in  the  dirty  lab  of  one  arnim  zola  but  began  on  the  street  corners  of  the  city  james  barnes’  called  home.    

 ▘  VIRTUE  /  ETHICS   ➺   growing  up  during  the  depression  was  not  easy  for  anyone  and  neither  was  spending  the  beginning  of  young  adulthood  surviving  the  second  world  war.  his  childhood  was  marked  by  some  of  the  worst  and  most  difficult  times  in  history  -  and  yet  james  never  allowed  hardship  or  misfortune  deter  his  regard  for  hard  work,  nor  did  he  allow  it  to  pollute  his  idealistic  outlook  on  life.  both  his  parents  worked  hard  to  support  the  family  and  that  same  work - ethic  was  imparted  onto  james,  who  assumed  the  role  eagerly  and  naturally.  luckily,  during  this  time  of  strife,  his  family  always  had  enough  to  provide  both  him  and  his  two  sisters  a  comfortable  lifestyle,  with  various  opportunities  to  explore  and  take  advantage  of  -  which  was  more  than  some  families  could  boast  at  that  time.  after  the  death  of  sarah  rogers,  james  made  the  decision  to  move  into  an  apartment  with  his  best  friend.  as  young  bacherlors,  they  did  not  have  much  but  together  they  managed  to  scrape  by  and  make  an  honest  living.  despite  steve’s  skepticism,  james’  choices  were  never  made  out  of  pity  or  some  disgruntled  sense  of  obligation.  he  worked  tirelessly  and  did  what  he  had  to  because  that  was  what  he  grew  up  believing.  a  man  takes  care  of  the  people  he  loves,  no  matter  what.  whatever  the  cost  -  working  two  jobs,  skipping  a  meal  here  and  there,  some  months  spent  without  heat,  selling  unnecessary  belongings  -  bucky  would  do  whatever  was  necessary  -  and  did  so  without  complaint.  in  fact,  he  woke  up  each  morning  with  a  smile  on  his  face  and  a  quip  on  his  tongue.  for  him,  there  was  no  better  reward  or  greater  comfort  than  knowing  the  ones  he  loved  were  taken  care  of.  he  believes  himself  unrecognizable  when  compared  to  that  willful  man  now,  but  certain  traits  of  the  old  james  barnes  can  still  be  found  within  him.  there  is  a  payout  for  hard  work  and  the  man  that  he  is  today  is  slowly  remembering  those  feelings  of  satisfaction  and  fulfillment  in  honest  labor.  

𝟑 𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐒

▘  RUTHLESSNESS  ➺   𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑢𝑚 𝑡𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑠 𝑡𝘩𝑎𝑡 𝑤𝘩𝑖𝑐𝘩 𝑎𝑙𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑦 𝑒𝑥𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑠.  𝑔𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑠 𝑔𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑡.  𝑏𝑎𝑑 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑠 ...    before  the  horrible  truth  was  unmasked,  the  history  books  painted  james  barnes  in  a  favorable  glow.  he  was  known  for  being  the  young  jovial,  dashing  side - kick  of  captain  america.  A  PATRIOT  -  dedicated,  noble,  brave,  honorable  ;;  an  honest,  hardworking  man  who  cared  about  family,  duty,  honor  and  sacrifice.  &&  he  was  many  of  these  things.  no  one  could  deny  james  barnes  of  his  genuine  heart  of  gold.  the  man  was  willing  to  do  anything  for  those  he  loved.  anything.  such  love  was  a  truly  powerful  thing,  capable  of  cultivating  great  beauty.  it  could  also  prove  to  be  equally  as  DISASTROUS.  at  its  purest  form,  it  inspired  strength,  selflessness,  kindness.  twisted,  it  became  a  deadly  incentive.  the  BRUTALITY  of  the  winter  soldier  was  not  born  solely  from  the  torture  inflicted  upon  him  or  the  serum  he  was  infected  with.  beneath  his  buoyant,  sprightly  exterior  existed  a  side  of  james  barnes  that  was  seldom  exposed,  unless  provoked.  there  was  a  violence  that  lived  within  the  darker  parts  of  his  heart,  a  ruthless  determination  to  protect  the  things  which  were  important  to  him.  &&  if  anyone  dared  to  threaten  those  things ?  well ...  those  details  are  far  less  known.  if  needed,  james  had  no  qualms  about  getting  his  hands  dirty  or  splitting  open  his  knuckles  to  send  a  very  clear  message.  he  had  an  ability  to  separate  himself  from  his  own  subconscious  and  used  this  talent  to  become  someone  almost  unrecognizable  from  his  more  charming  counterpart.  this  austerity  deepened  into  something  even  more  callous  during  the  war  -  when  the  enemy  became  much  more  larger  and  far  more  deadly.  to  switch  back  and  forth  between  these  personas  became  even  more  fluid  and  then  -  it  became  frighteningly  easy.  it  was  a  duality  that  many  were  forced  to  adopt  in  order  to  survive  the  TRAUMAS  of  war.  it  was  only  a  glimpse  of  what  he  was  truly  capable  of  though.  the  extent  of  his  CRUELTY  reached  its  full  potential  once  he  was  injected  with  zola’s  serum.  bucky  barnes  was  capable  of  great  horror,  even  before  he  became  the  winter  soldier  -  but  with  the  serum,  the  torture  &&  captivity  -  this  capacity  was  exposed  and  steadily  becoming  the  CRUX  of  his  entire  character.  despite  the  size  of  his  heart  of  the  pureness  of  his  intentions,  there  still  exists  a  violence  inside  of  him.  ruthless  and  efficient,  it  has  grown,  survived,  thrived  and  matured  over  the  years,  and  still  sits  within  his  core  today  -  its  potential  just  as  deadly  and  just  as  horrifying.

▘  DISSOCIATION / DETATCHMENT  ➺   an  extension  of  the  adverse  trait  described  above,  james  started  to  display  this  ability  to  separate  himself  from  his  more  repugnant  qualities  early  on.  he  was  never  known  for  being  VIOLENT.  that  brutality  was  extracted  and  molded  once  hydra  got  their  hands  on  him,  it  was  assumed.  the  historians  will  tell  you  the  winter  soldier  was  a  product  of  inhumane  warfare,  experimentation,  abuse  and  indoctrination,  but  james  knows  the  truth ...  in  the  beginning,  james  did  what  he  had  to  to  protect  the  ones  he  loved.  during  his  captivity,  he  did  what  he  had  to  to  survive.  &&  now  -  he  does  what  he  needs  to  to  live  with  himself.  &&  what  was  necessary  in  all  these  occasions  required  the  man  to  separate  himself  from  his  empathy  -  and  later  on,  his  HUMANITY.  he  relied  so  heavily  on  this  mechanism  during  his  time  as  the  soldier  that  the  disconnection  became  more  common  than  not  and  breaking  free  from  that  impulse  is  something  he  continues  to  struggle  with  today  -  and  something  he  is  hesitant  to  even  relinquish.  dissociation  makes  it  easier  to  exist  ;;  to  move  forward  -  as  is  expected  of  him.  one  day  bleeds  into  another,  into  another,  into  another ...  and  he  moves  with  it,  no  longer  a  phantom  existing  outside  of  time.  instead,  an  active  presence.   —  but  his  continued  reliance  on  this  crutch ?    he  exists.    but  is  james  barnes  living ?    IS  HE  REALLY  ALIVE ? 

▘  INDECISION  ( current day )  ➺   a  weakness  that  only  manifested  after  his  captivity,  barnes  deeply  struggles  with  the  burden  of  choice.  freedom.  autonomy.  ambition.  purpose.  all  the  small  ( yet  crucial )  decisions  and  preferences  that  define  a  person’s  character  oftentimes  feels  absent  from  his  makeup.  james  buchanan  barnes  used  to  have  strong  opinions,  about  anything  and  everything.  his  favorite  flavor  of  pie,  best  subject  in  school,  favored  season,  blondes  -  brunettes ?  hell,  he  even  had  a  favorite  color.  if  someone  were  to  ask  this  james  barnes  about  those  same  sentiments,  if  they  lasted  and  endured  the  years  along  with  him  or  if  they  had  changed  with  the  time,  james  would  falter  and  stare  back  with  vacant  eyes.  individuality  feels  like  a  withered  gravesite  inside  of  him,  a  bottomless  pit  of  nothing.  every  so  often  he  may  hear  the  flickering  echoes  of  what  once  was,  but  the  enthusiasm  -  the  passion  -  feels  distant,  far - away.  for  decades,  he  had  been  deprived  of  free will.  he  was  a  WEAPON  and  weapons  did  not  feel  or  think.  weapons  did  not  make  noise  unless  fired  by  the  hands  authorized  to  use  them.  unbounded,  given  a  NAME  once  again,  a  voice  -  and  he  knows  he  should  feel  grateful.  &&  yet,  the  only  thing  he  feels  is  overwhelmed.  his  mind  does  not  hesitant  when  it  comes  to  battle  ;;  TO KILLING.  his  hands  know  exactly  which  gun  to  reach  for  given  a  situation,  how  much  pressure  to  apply  to  snap  a  bone.  he  no  longer  needs  to  run  the  numbers  in  his  head  to  calculate  a  bullets’  trajectory  given  distance  and  wind  speed.  he  fires  without  thought  and  never  misses.  he  is  an  expert  of  wartime  tactics.  violence  is  second  nature  to  him,  right  behind  DEATH.  now,  alive  -  a  free  man ...  they  ask  him  what  he  wants  and  barnes ...  does  not  know  -  and  he  inadvertently  still  finds  himself  looking  to  others  to  supply  those  answers  (  that  instruction. )

𝟑 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐒

▘  SHAMEFUL INCLINATIONS  ➺   to  admit  such  whims  out  loud  would  flood  him  with  repugnant  shame.  he  knows  it  is  wrong  to  reminisce  and  crave  the  inertia  of  subjection,  but  he  cannot  deny  the  nostalgic  longing  that  twists  inside  of  him  on  his  darkest  days.  to  think  such  things  ;;  to  feel  such  things  disgraces  the  efforts  and  sacrifices  that  were  made  in  order  to  free  him  from  those  chains.   —  but  james  barnes  has  always  been  selfish  like  that.  it  is  easy  to  brush  off  accountability  and  blame  hydra  for  everything.  𝗂𝗍  𝗐𝖺𝗌𝗇'𝗍  𝗁𝗂𝗆,  𝗍𝗈𝗇𝗒 !  𝗁𝗒𝖽𝗋𝖺  𝗁𝖺𝖽  𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝗋𝗈𝗅  𝗈𝖿  𝗁𝗂𝗌  𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖽.   ▪    𝚑𝚢𝚍𝚛𝚊 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚞𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞.    ▪   🇾​🇴​🇺​  🇦​🇷​🇪​  🇹​🇭​🇪​  🇱​🇴​🇳​🇬​🇪​🇸​🇹​  🇸​🇪​🇷​🇻​🇮​🇳​🇬​  🇵​🇴​🇼​.    ▪    𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚞𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.    ▪   𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖽𝗂𝖽 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗌𝖾 𝗒𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗌,  𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗌𝗇'𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎.    𝗒𝗈𝗎  𝖽𝗂𝖽𝗇'𝗍  𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾  𝖺  𝖼𝗁𝗈𝗂𝖼𝖾.  NO CHOICE.   they  had  absolute  control  over  his  body,  his  mind. (did they?)  he  could  not  refuse. (couldn’t he?)   the  grim  reality  is  that,  as  years  bled  into  decades,  the  leash  hydra  had  chained  around  his  neck  started  to  loosen  considerably,  until  the  pull  barely  existed  at  all.  rarely  did  his  handlers  need  to  rely  on  the  early  tactics  to  keep  him  in  line.  he  COMPLIED  without  resistance.  both  masters  and  soldier  fell  into  an  agreeable  rhythm,  following  a  trusted  routine.  it  made  activation  less  agonizing,  muffled  the  scratching  of  chaotic  thoughts  into  soothing  white  noise.  it  made  his  orders  simpler  ;;  made  killing  easier  ;;  made  existing  with  himself ...  easier.  it  was  a  gift  ( they told him )  to  be  relieved  of  the  burden  of  choice  and  there  are  times  when  he  still  ( shamefully ) agrees  with  this.  to  feel  nothing  at  all,  after  having  felt  so  much ... ?  it  is  a  very  dangerous  thing.  the  numbing  high  of  indifference,  apathy,  inertia  -  can  feel  like  FREEDOM. 

▘  LIKELIHOOD OF RECOVERY  ➺   the  harrowing  truth ...  he  has  lived  more  of  his  life  as  a  WEAPON  than  he  has  a  person.  after  everything  he  has  gone  through,  james  feels  more  machine  than  he  does  human.  he  feels  the  corrosion  of  rust  spreading  through  him.  his  body  does  not  feel  like  flesh  and  bone,  but  more  akin  to  gears  and  wires  and  metal.  thoughts  are  mere  embedded  programming ...  implanted,  artificial.  his  heart  feels  like  a  gnarled  knot  inside  his  chest.  his  soul  feels  absent.  morality  is  faint,  compassion  -  oftentimes  hard  to  find.  to  choose  requires  great  effort  ;;  to  think  requires  effort  ;;  to  care  requires  effort  -  and  james  is  exhausted.  those  on  his  side  tell  him  he  deserves  a  chance  to  recover,  to  heal  -  but  he  sometimes  thinks  that  the  best  thing  they  could  do  given  the  situation  is  to  take  this  body  that  feels  more  like  a  weapon,  decommission  it,  place  it  in  storage  under  lock  and  key  and  allow  it  to  gather  dust.  can  he  heal ?  can  he  recover ?  can  he  exist  as  anything  other  than  a  weapon ?  after  all  this  time  and  after  everything  he  has  gone  through ?  he  isn’t  sure.  optimism  hasn’t  been  his  forte  since  1942.  he  considers  himself  a  realist.  &&  if  his  chances  follow  his  rotten  history  of  luck,  the  odds  do  not  appear  to  be  on  his  side.

▘  DRAFTED SOLDIER  ➺   he  will  never  admit  it.  ever.  &&  how  befitting  -  this  dark  secret.  how  it  reveals  the  nature  of  his  character ...   all  the  blood  on  his  hands,  all  the  lives  he  has  stolen,  the  atrocities  he  has  committed  -  and  this  is  the  one  thing  he  is  most  ashamed  of.  his  head  is  filled  with  dark  secrets  -  hydra’s,  his  own.  all  of  them  are  shameful,  ugly,  brutal  and  yet  this  one  secret  stands  out  the  most  in  his  mind.  this  is  the  one  that  GUTS  him  the  most,  because  it  was  before ...  everything.  before  the  war,  before  hydra,  before  the  soldier.  this  reveals  james  barnes  at  his  core.  this  is  his  blemish  ;;  his  most  reproachable  trait.  this  destroys  his  character  more  than  hydra  or  the  soldier  ever  did.  it  is  a  truth  he  will  never  admit  to,  to  anyone.  he  will  even  go  as  far  as  denying  it,  lying  to  his  dying  breath.   —  but  how  could  he  admit  such  a  thing ?  after  witnessing  the  bravery  and  determination  he  saw  in  others,  in  his  best  friend  -  to  serve,  to  protect  -  without  the  slightest  pause  or  hesitation.  all  the  while  he  tried  to  hide  from  the  call  of  duty,  hoping.  praying.  james  barnes  never  signed  up  to  serve  the  second  world  war.  it  is  a  secret  he  has  never  admitted  to  anyone.  not  to  his  friends,  his  father  or  sisters.  not  to  the  other  commandoes.  not  even  ( especially  not )  steve.  &&  it  is  a  secret  he  will  take  to  the  grave.   

𝟑 𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐒

▘  LOSING AUTONOMY  ➺   while  freedom  has  proven  tumultuous,  he  still  prefers  the  struggle  when  compared  to  the  alternative.  while  under  hydra’s  control,  james  barely  surfaced,  but  the  rare  times  he  did  he  saw  the  world  though  a  murky  sheet  of  ice,  drifting  in  the  inertia  of  the  soldier’s  compliance.  existence  felt  more  like  an  out  of  body  experience  -  a  resultant  of  trauma,  he  was  later  told.  he  witnessed  his  torture,  his  brutal  crimes,  the  creeping  advancement  of  hydra’s  power,  more  as  an  onlooker  than  an  active  participant.  it  made  certain  things ... easier  to  stomach.  the  torture,  the  experiments  ;;  stasis,  the  chair.  it  made  following  orders ...  simpler.  he  hardly  blinked  when  exposed  to  his  own  potential  for  DEVASTATION.  the  violence.  the  breaking,  rebuilding  and  training  of  more  soldiers,  the  little  spiders.  torture.  murder.  during  his  less  lucid  states,  he ( selfishly ) welcomed  the  disconnect,  but  every  so  often  -  his  old  sense  of  morality  would  give  a  kick  and  he  would  stare,  wide - eyed  and  horrified.  he  would  honestly  try  with  every  bit  of  strength  he  had  left  inside  of  him  to  stop  himself,  to  control  himself,  but  even  his  hardest  endeavors  failed  miserably  against  the  soldier’s  rigid  conditioning.  nothing  more  than  the  occasional  hiccup  in  his  code,  a  sudden  half - second  hesitation  -  quickly  roped  back  into  submission  by  screaming  static.  to  exist  in  such  a  way  -  condemned  to  watch  as  your  shadow  destroys  every  bit  of  light  within,  fated  to  feel  the  rot  putrefy  your  soul,  slowly  -  slowly ... it  is  a  terrible  thing.  &&  it  will  continue  to  haunt  james  for  the  rest  of  his  life.  he  may  struggle  to  find  purpose  after  his  liberation,  the  motivation  and  energy  to  pursue  a  meaningful  life,  but  the  last  thing  he  ever  wants  ( what he fears )  is  to  be  used  as  a  PUPPET  again.

▘  LIVING  ➺   he  existed  in  a  definite  state  for  a  very  long  time,  long  enough  for  him  to  find  comfort  in  routine,  monotony  -  THE EXPECTED.  there  was  an  equation  to  surviving  hydra  ( surviving himself )  -  and  hydra  proved  they  would  be  true  to  their  word  if  only  he  obeyed.   COMPLIANCE WILL BE REWARDED.   orders  were  clear  and  exact  and  non - negotiable.  missions  were  organized  and  coordinated,  objectives  defined  well  before  he  was  even  pulled  from  stasis.  he  knew  what  to  expect  -  how  much  pain  he  would  need  to  endure,  what  followed  activation,  what  proceeded  mission  completion  -  and  he  knew  what  he  needed  to  do  in  order  to  make  the  process  bearable.  ( ready to comply )  the  soldier  did  not  like  it  when  things  did  not  go  according  to  plan.  like  hydra,  he  did  not  like  surprises.  lose  ends.  it  required  him  to  make  decisions, to  think ...   orders  were  simple.  all  he  needed  to  do  was  complete  them  as  quickly,  as  cleanly  and  as  efficiently  as  possible,  AS INSTRUCTED.  any  deviation  from  the  expected  leads  quickly  into  CHAOS  and  chaos  can  be  as  dangerous  and  as  deadly  as  an  explosion.  after  the  failure  of  project  insight,  the  soldier  was  forced  to  adapt  to  his  situation  in  order  to  survive.  the  upheaval  of  sudden  liberation  almost  destroyed  him.  he  spent  those  first  few  months  in  a  mad  attempt  to  regain  some  semblance  of  order.  he  hid  out  of  sight,  living  as  a ghost  while  struggling  with  whiplashing  whims:  the  rigid  impulse  to  return  to  his  surviving  handlers  ( for  orders )  or  the  luring  urge  to  continue  to  run  and  observe  this  new  form  of  reality  he  had  abruptly  been  exposed  to.  it  was  a  constant  strife  between  soldier  and  man  ;;  compliance  and  curiosity.  the  longer  he  was  exposed  to  clean  air  though,  the  more  james  barnes  settled  to  the  surface,  the  stronger  his  voice  became.  the  soldier  slowly  started  to  come  to  terms  with  some  truths.  he  did  not  miss  the  chair  -  or  hydra’s  drugs.  he  did  not  miss  the  violence.  it  was  enough  to  justify  his  decision  to  run  -  and  slowly,  the  man  started  to  live.  to  be  alive  ( human )  opened  the  door  to  many  things  he  did  not  mind.  music,  knowledge,  the  warmth  of  a  blanket,  pizza ...  but  there  was  a  price.  james  learned  in  bucharest  that  he  could  not  continue  to  live  as  a  ghost.  he  could  not  continue  to  reap  the  benefits  of  living  without  also  bearing  its  obligations.  the  more  he  is  dragged  back  into  the  land  of  the  living,  the  more  responsibility  is  placed  on  his  shoulders.  he  is  forced  now  to  make  decisions  that  not  only  impact  his  life  but  others  as  well.  it  also  brings  into  focus  his  past,  forcing  him  to  start  coming  to  terms  with  his  crimes  -  and  his  guilt.  to  live  a  life  involves  many  things  james  is  not  yet  comfortable  with.  he  is  forced  to  move  forward,  to  make  choices,  to  collaborate  and  trust  others,  to  heal ...  all  new  waters  the  man  is  deathly  afraid  to  wade  into,  because  it  leads  to  uncertainty,  leads  to  the  unexpected.  cause  and  effect.  there  is  no  equation  to  guarantee  success  ;;  no  trusted,  proven  procedure  to  follow.  to  live  a  full  life  means  making  decisions  and  then  being  brave  enough  to  live  with  those  decisions.  barnes  still  deeply  struggles  with  the  fear  of  the  UNKNOWN,  and  when  overwhelmed  by  crippling  indecision,  finds  himself  clinging  to  old  comforts.  that  same  sickening  desire  to  exist  once  more  beyond  the  bounds  of  time,  a  chimera  relieved  of  the  burden  of  choice  all  together.    

▘  HIMSELF  ➺   his  potential.   his  mind,  body  -  everything  contained  within  this  cage  of  blood  and  bone  terrifies  him.  for  him  ( &&  those  made  like  him )  freedom  is  nothing  more  than  a  far - fetched  pipedream.  zemo  shattered  all  illusions  of  freedom,  and  all  it  took  was  the  whisper  of  ten  choice  words.  regardless  of  the  small  progress  he  made  in  the  years  following  his  defection,  all  of  it  was  reduced  to  rubble  the  moment  he  was  dragged  back  into  the  plane  of  the  living.  he  was  careless,  ignorant,  sloppy  -  allowing  himself  to  be  curious,  hopeful  -  and  six  agents  paid  the  price  for  it  in  germany  when  the  soldier  was  reactivated.  the  great  fist  of  hydra  is  indeed  a  terrifying  sight  to  behold,  but  james  understands  the  soldier  is  simply  a  byproduct  of  himself  -  and  that  is  what  truly  horrifies  him.  even  before  the  serum  was  introduced  into  his  body,  his  potential  was ...  concerning.  the  things  he  was  willing  to  do  back  home  ;;  the  things  he  was  willing  to  do  during  the  war ...  the  disconcerting  ways  he  was  able  to  manipulate  his  own  morality.  his  malleable  ethical  code.  the  serum  only  heightened  that  which  already  existed  inside  of  him,  but  it  did  pave  a  space  for  corruption  to  thrive.  it  made  him  even  more  dangerous,  even  more  LETHAL.  his  potential  for  destruction  was  exemplified.  his  ability  to  survive,  his  tolerance  for  pain  -  expanded.  the  serum  allowed  hydra  the  opportunity  to  find  that  seed  of  ugliness  which  existed  inside  of  him  and  feed  it,  cultivate  it.  they  helped  it  grow  and  thrive,  and  then  sowed  the  deadly  fruits.  the  things  he  found  himself  capable  of  -  the  violence,  the  brutality.  the  things  he  learned  to  stomach  ;;  the  horrors  he  found  himself  able  to  commit ...  revolutionists.  bright  minds.  visionaries.  humanitarians.  entire  families.  innocent  bystanders.  good  people.  children.  he  killed  without  blinking  ;;  without  flinching  -  and  then  returned  to  the  people  who  issued  those  orders  and  waited  for  more.  there  were  a  handful  of  times  when  he  hesitated,  questioned  -  but  for  the  most  part,  he  completed  his  orders  without  question  and  did  so  without  feeling  a  flutter  of  disturbance.   i had no choice.  hydra had control of his mind.  you couldn’t refuse them.  it wasn’t your fault.   he  can  hide  behind  those  excuses  all  he  wants,  but  barnes  knows  what  lives  inside  of  him.  he  knows  what  hydra  put  inside  him  and  what  was  already  there.  the  winter  soldier  might  be  an  exaggeration  of  the  worst  parts  of  a  person  -  as  captain  america  exemplified  the  best  -  but  the  soldier  is  only  a  reflection  of  the  darkness  that  already  lived  within  him.     &&  THAT IS TERRIFYING. 

𝟑 𝐆𝐎𝐀𝐋𝐒

▘  PURPOSE  ➺   ever  since  his  reemergence  back  into  the  land  of  the  living,  james  has  struggled  to  understanding  what  to  do  with  newfound  existence.  a  name,  a  face,  a  place  in  this  world,  an  identity  and  yet  -  on  most  days  he  still  feels  like  a  weapon.  recovery  feels  similar  to  deactivation,  and  the  soldier  finds  himself  waiting,  constantly  preparing  for  the  day  when  they  will  take  him  out  of  storage,  brush  off  the  rust  and  use  him  once  more.  the  expectation  looms  over  him  like  a  dark  cloud  and  hinders  his  progress.   —  but  what  else  does  he  have  to  offer ?  what  else  can  he  do ?  if  not  for  some  useful  purpose,  why  does  he  exist ?  if  the  only  thing  he  knows  how  to  do  is  fight,  kill,  DESTROY  -  what  other  direction  is  there ?  he  is  good  at  what  he  does.  he  is  good  at  what  hydra  bred  him  to  be ...  but  he  does  not  want  to  exist  for  that  purpose.  he  is  tired  of  war,  of  violence  -  but  without  the  constant  stimulation  of  battle,  time  is  a  slow  and  dragging  endeavor.  he  does  want  to  prove  ( to  the  world,  hydra,  steve,  to  himself )  that  he  is  more  than  just  a  weapon  made  for  war,  but  he  finds  himself  more  often  than  not  questioning  the  validity  to  that  statement,  especially  when  it  is  the  only  thing  that  feels  natural  to  him.  the  serum  defines  him.  his  skillset  defines  him.  his  past  defines  him  -  and  if  he  has  proven  one  thing,  it  is  that  he  is  a  good  fighter.  A GOOD KILLER.  he  excels  when  it  comes  to  battle.  he  is  hard  to  stop  ;;  hard  to  kill  -  and  these  types  of  strengths  point  to  one  obvious  path.  one  does  not  use  a  blade  to  paint  a  magnificent  masterpiece.  he  was  weaponized  long  ago  and  to  try  to  be  anything  but  what  he  has  been  for  so  long  seems ...  counterproductive.   still,  he  does  not  want  to  keep  fighting  -  and  his  doctors  tell  him  that  is  important  ( essential ).  if  he  isn’t  serving  though,  what  should  he  do ?  time  is  so  painstakingly  slow  and  without  stasis,  he  does  not  know  how  to  fill  in  the  stagnant  space  in  between.  he  might  lose  whatever  shreds  of  sanity  he  has  left  -  and  there  isn’t  much  left  to  spare.  he  needs  guidance,  instruction.  he  needs  someone  to  tell  him  what  to  do ...  they  tell  him  it  is  up  to  him  to  decide,  but  he  doesn’t  know.  he  does  not  want  to  go  back  to  hydra  ;;  he  does  not  want  to  be  controlled  or  manipulated.   —  but  when  time  starts  to  pull  and  drag  and  his  mind  is  left  free  to  wander ...  there  are  times  when  he  feels  desperate  enough  to  long  for  orders.  he  hopes  to  find  some  kind  of  meaning  once  again  to  his  existence  and  hopes  this  time  around,  it  is  fashioned  for  something  good.  

▘  A SENSE OF IDENTITY  ➺   he  is  not  sure  he  will  ever  truly  feel  natural  within  his  own  skin  or  inside  his  own  mind.  the  face  he  wears  now  feels  more  like  a  mask,  stretched  to  the  seams  to  hide  the  husk  beneath.  for  so  long  he  existed  as  a  puppet,  body  moving  on  command.  his  actions  never  felt  like  his  own  and  neither  did  his  thoughts.  for  far  too  long,  he  was  a  stranger  inside  his  own  mind  and  body.  the  strings  have  been  cut,  a  name  placed  back  on  his  tongue  -  but  he  still  feels ...  empty.   who  is  he ?   what  does  he  like  to  do ?  what  are  his  hobbies ?  his  interests ?  what  does  he  dislike ?  what  makes  him  happy ?  what  makes  him  sad ?  they  ask  him  these  questions  and  all  he  can  hear  are  the  voices  of  old  hydra  handlers  inside  his  head.  A  WEAPON  NEED  NOT  BOTHER  ITSELF  WITH  SUCH  MEANINGLESS  FRIVOLITIES.    —   it  is  not  a  part  of  your  code.   he  often  needs  to  be  reminded  ( reassured )  -  he  is  not  a  weapon.  he  is  not  a  machine.  beneath  skin  and  bone,  he  has  a  heart.  he  has  a  mind  and  both  these  things  belong  to  him.  he  is  allowed  to  want,  to  feel,  to  explore,  to  refuse,  to  challenge ...  freely.  it  is  a  hard  concept  for  him  to  remember  and  to  accept,  but  he  has  made  some  strides.  he  has  discovered  ( rediscovered ? )  some  things  he  likes:  the  feel  of  sunlight  against  his  face,  the  smell  of  coffee,  the  soft  scratch  of  a  record  player  and  the  fuzzy  music  which  follows,  a  trusted  knife,  pizza,  warm  blankets ...  he  has  also  recognized  some  things  he  does  not  like.  the  building  crackle  of  electricity,  paralysis,  the  stench  of  death,  silence  so  loud  it  hurts,  eyes  watching  him,  the  sudden,  sharp  hiss  of  ice  melting,  prolonged  pain ...   meager  progress  maybe,  but  it  is  a  start  -  and  james  hopes  to  some  day  feel  the  same  comfort  within  his  own  body  and  mind  that  his  past - self  seemed  to  epitomize  so  effortlessly.  TO  BE  HIS  OWN  PERSON  -  defined  by  passions,  opinions  ;;  propelled  by  confident  choices  made  with  conviction ...  the  idea  seems  so  unattainable  given  how  DAMAGED  he  is,  but  it  is  still  something  he  would  like  to  attain.  if  only  to  prove  to  hydra  ( &&  to  himself )  that  he  is  in  fact  his  own  person  and  that  he  does  not  belong  to  anyone  -  but  himself. 

▘  TO PROMOTE POSITIVE CHANGE  ➺   after  all  the  destruction  he  has  blasted  into  the  course  of  history,  the  idea  seems  almost ...  laughable.  dismissible  certainly,  for  what  other  purpose  could  hands  sharpened  into  blades  be  used  for ?  &&  perhaps  even  insulting,  to  those  whose  lives  he  ruined.  like  his  other  emotions,  after  his  desertion  his  guilt  was  initially  muted,  but  the  longer  he  remains in  this  plane  of  existence  -  the  more  time  allowed  to  heal  -  the  more  james  comes  face  to  face  with  those  directly  impacted  by  his  crimes,  and  each  time  the  discomfort  inside  him  grows  stronger.  the  memories  are  returning  and  most  of  them  are  HORRIFIC.  the  lives  he  cut  short,  the  families  he  ripped  apart.  the  orphans  he  abandoned,  the  parents  he  made  bury  their  children ...  the  peace  he  broke  in  order  to  secure  continued  chaos.  hydra  was  a  parasite,  feasting  on  the  corpses  of  war  and  conflict  -  gorging  and  growing  -  and  he  was  one  of  the  reasons  how  they  survived  and  thrived  throughout  history.  the  fist  of  hydra,  zimniy  soldat,  the  soldier,  hydra’s  bloodhound.  he  was  unseen  from  the  eyes  of  the  world,  faceless  -  but  his  actions  resonated  ;;  his  reputation  notorious,  even  if  only  as  a  ghost  story.  many  of  his  crimes  have  been  made  public  thanks  to  the  widow’s  data  dump,  but  there  are  many  ( too  many )  that  are  still  undisclosed  -  known  only  to  him,  his  victims  and  the  hydra  higher - ups  who  issued  the  orders.  he  knows  it  sounds  silly,  far - fetched,  childish  -  but  it  would  be  nice  to  have  some  kind  of  impact  on  this  world  that  isn’t  so  violent  or  destructive.  he  knows  he  cannot  make  amends  for  all  the  bad  he  has  done.  there  is  too  much  blood  ( far  too  much  blood )  but  if  he  could  do  something ...  to  prove  he  can  be  something  more  than  that  which  hydra  made  of  him,  he  would  like  to  try.  there  is  no  fixing  the  damage  the  winter  soldier  has  caused.  there  is  no  way  to  restore  james  barnes’  promising  reputation,  but  to  leave  this  world  knowing  he  could  do  something  good  -  after  doing  so  much  bad  -  would  feel ...  freeing.

tagged by :  stolen ! tagging :  @cxpt​,  @justicetempered​, @gcroinya​, @fatedfuturist​, @agntross​, @mxndwitch, @toscrve​​​

[hyunllx]

Flopbb’s REAL All-Star Sim: Premiere Week

Disclaimer: The actions and words of the houseguests in this sim do not reflect who they are as players and real people, nor do they reflect my opinion of said players. Im just trying to make sense of a random event simulator lol.

“Good evening everyone, I’m Julie Chen Moonves and THIS is Big Brother All-Stars. It’s been 20 years since the premiere of BB1, with countless twists, hundreds of houseguests, and dozens of games played across the globe. The past two decades have led up to this moment, as 16 of the world’s greatest players are about to enter the yet again to compete as all-stars. Your votes helped us pick the elite of the elite players of Big Brother from around the world. Welcome, everyone, to Big Brother All-Stars!”

One by one Julie calls the houseguests in. Excitement fills the house like a flood as old friends, allies, and enemies recognize each other:

“I am ecstatic when I see Da’Vonne walk through the door. She’s a close friend of me and Swaggy outside the house. She was there for us after BB20 and I am so happy to play alongside her this time around!”

“I can’t believe I’m in this house for the FOURTH time. On top of that, I’m with Kaysar and Britney again, my two closest friends in the game. I’m already feeling like I’m in a great position this season despite being the most veteran player.”

“The first thig I notice when I walk in the house is how many old school players there are. Janelle and Kaysar in particular, who’ve I’ve played against before. I was entirely prepared to fight a cast of newbies but I may have to rethink my strategy already.”

“I walk into the house excited to play with people I had so much fun getting to know through interviews outside the house... until I see her. Of course Neda is here, and by the look on her face she’s just as delighted to see me. I can’t get away from this girl.”

Reunions and new introductions are cut short, however, as Julie instructs the houseguests to head to the backyard. Surely pros of the game didn’t need to sit around drinking champagne. The first HOH will begin immediately.

“I didn’t necessarily want to drop out this early, but I also didn’t want to win, so I’m fine with it. It may also help the newbies underestimate me. I was never a big player or a comp threat; I got through under the radar.”

“Janelle and I have played this competition before. This was the first HOH on our original season, BB6. I felt like I could stay up there for awhile but I also didn’t want all eyes to be on me for the first week. I’ll let someone else take that fall.”

“I fall and I’m devastated. I wanted to at least outlast the other players from Canada but I’m the first of them to fall. Neda’s still up there and I know if she wins or makes a deal I’m in serious trouble.”

“Did I plan on winning this HOH? No. But I know being a four-time player is a big target and I would be on the block if I didn’t. I really need at least one week where I can build alliances that’ll help me survive a few more weeks in this house until that target starts to shrink.”

“History repeats itself and Janelle wins the first HOH of another All-Stars season. The last time this happened, she put me on the block, so I’m feeling very uneasy about things this first week. I need to talk to her to make sure she knows this time I’m her ally.”

After the competition the houseguests return to their introductions, hanging around the kitchen while Da’vonne leads several others in cooking for the house. 

Ika is the first one to break from the group, not unnoticed as she pulls Neda into a side room. Ika appeals to Neda, asking if they can forget their former rivalry as they are severely outnumbered by the American returnees. Neda listens and assures her she isn’t holding a grudge and agrees to join an International Alliance if Ika can pull Anthony and Angela in.

“Ika is out of her mind if she thinks I’m just going to forget about her betraying me and getting me evicted on BBCan5. I don’t trust her at all. She’s a snake and I’m not falling for her fake loyalty again. She needs to go.”

Later in the night, Danielle R approaches Janelle in her HOH room, congratulating her on another HOH win under her belt, while also reminding her about her nominations the first week of BB7. Janelle reassures her that she will not be targeting old school players and that they should work together this time instead. Along with Kaysar, they establish an alliance.

In the middle of the night Neda approaches Janelle and Kaysar. She tells them in secret about Ika’s plan to form an alliance, though she exaggerates the tale and claims Ika is forming a majority alliance. She reveals her distrust for Ika and warns them of her ability to backstab if she tries to appeal to them for an alliance. 

“I decided to form an alliance with Kaysar and Danielle because I’ve seen how these newer players react to old school gameplay on BB14. They’re intimidated by playing with famous players but they underestimate our abilities to keep up with them. When they are hit with the realization that we’re just as good as they are, or better, they come after us immediately and relentlessly. I think it’ll be good to have a safety-net of these like-players to fall back on if the new school players decide to turn that target on me.

As for the information Neda gave me... I don’t necessarily trust her but I have no reason to doubt this is happening. It makes sense that an international player would want to feel secure in a large alliance. I don’t like how easily Neda turned on people trying to work with her, but I’ll keep her for now if she wants to be on my side.”

Meanwhile, downstairs Bayleigh and Da’Vonne find a quiet spot to talk privately. Their friendship outside the house is strong, and they naturally fall into the role of allies in the house, promising to support each other to the final 2.

“I love Bayleigh. She’s a good friend outside of this house and I trust her entirely. She’s smart and we think alike in the game. This alliance really just built itself without conscious thought. I will do everything in my power to ensure one of us gets to the end.”

The next day everyone is exhausted from the previous day competition. The realization that they are truly back to playing Big Brother settles in and tension starts while the house gathers for Janelle’s nominations.

“I have nominated Ika and Vanessa for eviction. As it’s the first week I have so little to go on. Ika, It’s come to my attention that you may be rallying an alliance already in the house. Hopefully you trust these people enough to help save you this week.

Vanessa, we’ve talked very little so far and I know not to trust that. Your gameplay likes to lurk in the shadows, so here’s a spotlight.”

“It’s day two and 75% of the house hasn’t talked game to you. Why pick me over them? I wanted to lay low this time but it seems I have to get to work faster than expected. I think Ika is her target but I certainly don’t want to be a first boot pawn.”

“The only person I’ve spoken to about starting an alliance so far has been Neda. Clearly she still holds a grudge and I can’t trust her. Having the HOH on her side is very, very scary. I have to work my butt off to win this Veto.”

After nominations, Janelle, Kaysar, and Danielle R split up to individually pull in the other veteran players to their alliance. Janelle convinces Britney very quickly to join being great friends outside of the house. She attempts to pull in Keesha who seems apprehensive of the idea, but tentatively agrees. Kaysar pulls Rachel into one of the side rooms to propose the same deal. Rachel is hesitant, unafraid to remind Kaysar of her rivalry with Janelle and Britney. Kaysar explains that their rivalry can wait until later in the season when the vets have secured their safety in the game. Rachel agrees to help the alliance half-heartedly.

“I’m not really sure how to feel about this alliance. On one hand being safe with the HOH this week is reassuring. However, she’s only HOH for this week and if it’s found out I’m part of this old school super-alliance then I could be in big trouble. I also don’t trust Janelle and Britney to continue working with me in the long run. We’ll have to see how this week plays out.”

Meanwhile, Danielle R attempts to pull Jun into a quiet bedroom but is intercepted by Vanessa. Vanessa appeals to both about her situation being on the block and asks if either would consider using the veto if they won, promising to return the favor and to keep them safe if she were to win HOH. After much convincing, Jun and Danielle R agree to the deal.

“I honestly don’t really care about this deal with Vanessa. I doubt I’m going to win veto even if I am picked, but I’ll take the safety if she wins. I’m more concerned about this old school alliance Danielle tried to pull me in to. Fortunately I didn’t have a chance to agree to or reject the alliance. It’ll give me a little more time to mull it over and decide if I trust the other older players or not.”

Saturday morning, the houseguests are woken up to the announcement that it’s time to pick players for the veto competition. 

“I’m actually feeling pretty good going into this veto comp. The two people I got to agree to use the veto on me are playing, plus myself. Hopefully they’ll either throw it to me or keep their word.”

“Of course I get picked. I have to throw this comp. I can not be picking sides on Day 3 of this game. I’m sorry Janelle, but I have a feeling you don’t need my help on this one.”

“Just like last All-Stars I’ve won both the first HOH and POV. I’m used to being seen as a comp beast in this game so it doesn’t bother me that much. If anything it’ll help my allies feel sure that I can keep my word to keep them safe.”

After the veto competition, the houseguests scatter back inside the house to privately discuss their options, automatically assuming Janelle will keep her nominations the same. Bayleigh and Da’Vonne head up to the HOH room to congratulate Janelle on her win and pick her brain for a target. Janelle asks Day about her experience previously playing with Vanessa and listens carefully to Day’s personal perspective of Vanessa’s game. They speak for awhile, eventually being joined by Kaysar, weighing both options carefully. After a couple hours, they agree to an alliance, having grown comfortable strategizing together.

“I really like Janelle and Kaysar. I think there’s a real friendship forming there. They are great strategic minds but they can also win comps left and right and lord knows Bayleigh and I need allies like that in this game. She’s always going to be my number 1 but I wouldn’t mind going to final 4 with Jaysar.”

“I do trust Bayleigh and Da’Vonne and I’m very happy to be in an alliance with them. I think they will be easier allies to publicly support compared to the old school alliance. They can slip under the radar easier.

After talking to Da’Vonne I am feeling better about  my decision to put Vanessa on the block. I think her being up week 1 has hindered her ability to puppet master from the shadows so I don’t think she’s much of a threat for now.

I haven’t heard anything more about Ika’s majority alliance and that’s not necessarily a good thing in my mind. Either I’ve been lied to about it or they’re working against me which is dangerous. In either case, I have to get my allies to figure out who is in this alliance, if there’s anyone at all.”

After a quiet Sunday of little gameplay, the houseguests gather Monday afternoon for the veto ceremony. It goes quickly as expected.

“I didn’t expect Janelle to use the veto at all let alone on me but it still sucks being on the block week 1. People throw random votes on the first eviction and some of those could come my way if nothing major happens.”

“As expected I’m still on the block. I tried to lay low to show Janelle that I really don’t have an alliance and I’m not making big moves against her but clearly that didn’t work. Now I have to work my ass off to start forming this alliance people think I have.”

“Ika is a final nominee and I couldn’t be happier. I feel like I’ll be be able to play the game without constantly feeling like I need to watch my back. All I need to do now is continue planting seeds in people’s heads that she’s working against them.”

Wednesday evening, the night before the live eviction, Bayleigh and Da’Vonne are approached by Ika and pulled into the back bedroom to hear her campaign to stay.

“Day and I decide to give Ika a chance to talk to us. Janelle is looking for any information she can get on this supposed majority alliance, but if she wants to promise us safety or a shield for the net few weeks, we’re all ears to that.”

Ika begins her campaign by admiring BayDay’s perception and strategic ability, playing into those in hope they will believe her. Da’Vonne is the first to address the alliance rumours , and Ika tells her the truth of her conversation with Neda. As she begins to explain, Britney walks in to join the conversation, having heard them talking in the room next door.

“I saw Ika take Bayleigh and Day into the back bedroom and I had to follow to listen. Janelle told me she wanted to work with them and if they were in this secret majority alliance all along, I was not going to let them plot behind her back alone.”

After a few awkward moments of Britney pushing into the conversation, Ika continues to confirm that she was trying to extend an olive branch to Neda and only  suggested an alliance with the international players as a way to leave their rivalry in BBCAN behind. After listening to the rest of Ika’s pitch, Britney takes this information to Janelle and Kaysar in the HOH room, who promptly call Neda up to talk about it.

Neda is steadfast in her lie when confronted about it, insisting she told Janelle everything Ika proposed to her. Britney reveals that Ika told her about the international players alliance and it was only proposed to put their rivalry aside. Neda denies this but becomes visibly upset. 

To put an end to the rumour once and for all, Britney calls the rest of the houseguests up into the HOH room. While everyone squeezes into the space, Ika and Neda bicker about the situation immediately. Ika reveals the truth to the house and Neda’s arguments become shaky, most people in the room skeptical to her lies. Eventually Janelle quiets the argument to ask Neda one more time about the alliance. Defeated, Neda admits to lying to get Ika put on the block.

“Hopefully this meeting shows people that I am true to my word and I haven’t been secretly making alliances behind their backs. I’m not going to stop campaigning and I think this might help keep me here this week. Sorry Vanessa.”

“I do feel bad for Ika in this situation but I don’t regret putting her up. This is big brother and someone has to be the first one out. Right now I don’t have a preference for either nominee so I’m just going to let the house decide for themselves.”

“I’m starting to feel uneasy in the house. I don’t like that the international players were brought up in all that drama. I had no intentions of working with them specifically and if people doubt my loyalties because of that it could be bad for me.”

“I do feel bad for Ika. No one wants to be on the block because someone held a grudge and manipulated the HOH. That being said, I know how good of a competitor she is and what she’s capable of. It might be good for Janelle and I if we get her out now while we have the chance.”

The following evening came in a flash, and nervously the house gathered in the living room for the first eviction of the game. Tension filled the room as they waited for Julie to appear on the usually-blank television screen. As usual, the host made idle chatter and jokes with a handful of houseguests to relieve some of the stress before calling for the speeches of each nominee.

“As everyone knows I have been lied on and you’ve been manipulated all this week. I have done nothing but tell the truth to the house about my plans and attempts to put a grudge behind me, and I think everyone knows who my target is. Janelle, I do not blame you for putting me up here, I’m not coming after you at all. Neda, I do blame you. You are a snake and I will not rest in this game until you are out of this house.”

“So I think I speak for everyone when I say this week has been kind of wild for a week one. There’s already been a ton of drama and plans have already been exposed to the house. I haven’t really gotten a chance to play yet but I know some of you have. Given how this week went, it seems like drama could pull any one of us in next, so I ask you if you think it would be a good idea to keep a non-threat, or someone willing to expose your secrets to the house.”

One by one the house guests are called to the diary room to vote.

It’s official; with 7 votes to evict, Ika will be leaving the big brother house tonight. Let’s see how the other votes fall.

[richincolor]

January's New Releases

2021 told 2020 to hold it's beer and what a month January has been! Publishing YA also came out swinging with a slew of new books (many already bestsellers) in what we hope will be another banner year for BIPOC stories. Click below to find books for your TBR list. 

Week of January 5th

The Life I’m In by Sharon G. Flake Scholastic Inc

My feet are heavy as stones when I walk up the block wondering why I can’t find my old self.

In The Skin I’m In, readers saw into the life of Maleeka Madison, a teen who suffered from the ridicule she received because of her dark skin color. For decades fans have wanted to know the fate of the bully who made Maleeka’s life miserable, Char.

Now in Sharon Flake’s latest and unflinching novel, The Life I’m In, we follow Charlese Jones, who, with her raw, blistering voice speaks the truths many girls face, offering insight to some of the causes and conditions that make a bully. Turned out of the only home she has known, Char boards a bus to nowhere where she is lured into the dangerous web of human trafficking. Much is revealed behind the complex system of men who take advantage of vulnerable teens in the underbelly of society. While Char might be frightened, she remains strong and determined to bring herself and her fellow victims out of the dark and back into the light, reminding us why compassion is a powerful cure to the ills of the world.

Sharon Flake’s bestselling, Coretta Scott King Award-winning novel The Skin I’m In was a game changer when it was first published more than twenty years ago. It redefined young adult literature by presenting characters, voices, and real-world experiences that had not been fully seen. Now Flake offers readers another timely and radical story of a girl on the brink and how her choices will lead her to either fall, or fly. — Cover image and summary via Goodreads

Happily Ever Afters by Elise Bryant Balzer + Bray

Sixteen-year-old Tessa Johnson has never felt like the protagonist in her own life. She’s rarely seen herself reflected in the pages of the romance novels she loves. The only place she’s a true leading lady is in her own writing—in the swoony love stories she shares only with Caroline, her best friend and #1 devoted reader.

When Tessa is accepted into the creative writing program of a prestigious art school, she’s excited to finally let her stories shine. But when she goes to her first workshop, the words are just…gone. Fortunately, Caroline has a solution: Tessa just needs to find some inspiration in a real-life love story of her own. And she’s ready with a list of romance novel-inspired steps to a happily ever after. Nico, the brooding artist who looks like he walked out of one of Tessa’s stories, is cast as the perfect Prince Charming.

But as Tessa checks each item off Caroline’s list, she gets further and further away from herself. She risks losing everything she cares about—including the surprising bond she develops with sweet Sam, who lives across the street. She’s well on her way to having her own real-life love story, but is it the one she wants, after all?

One of the Good Ones by Maika Moulite and Maritza Moulite Inkyard Press

ISN’T BEING HUMAN ENOUGH? When teen social activist and history buff Kezi Smith is killed under mysterious circumstances after attending a social justice rally, her devastated sister Happi and their family are left reeling in the aftermath. As Kezi becomes another immortalized victim in the fight against police brutality, Happi begins to question the idealized way her sister is remembered. Perfect. Angelic.

One of the good ones.

Even as the phrase rings wrong in her mind–why are only certain people deemed worthy to be missed?–Happi and her sister Genny embark on a journey to honor Kezi in their own way, using an heirloom copy of The Negro Motorist Green Book as their guide. But there’s a twist to Kezi’s story that no one could’ve ever expected–one that will change everything all over again.

Roman and Jewel by Dana L. Davis Inkyard Press

If Romeo and Juliet got the Hamilton treatment…who would play the leads? This vividly funny, honest, and charming romantic novel by Dana L. Davis is the story of a girl who thinks she has what it takes…and the world thinks so, too.

Jerzie Jhames will do anything to land the lead role in Broadway’s hottest new show, Roman and Jewel, a Romeo and Juliet inspired hip-hopera featuring a diverse cast and modern twists on the play. But her hopes are crushed when she learns mega-star Cinny won the lead…and Jerzie is her understudy.

Falling for male lead Zeppelin Reid is a terrible idea–especially once Jerzie learns Cinny wants him for herself. Star-crossed love always ends badly. But when a video of Jerzie and Zepp practicing goes viral and the entire world weighs in on who should play Jewel, Jerzie learns that while the price of fame is high, friendship, family, and love are priceless.

The Awakening of Malcom X by Ilyasah Shabazz & Tiffany D. Jackson Farrar, Straus and Giroux (Byr)

In Charlestown Prison, Malcolm Little struggles with the weight of his past. Plagued by nightmares, Malcolm drifts through days unsure of his future. Slowly, he befriends other prisoners and writes to his family. He reads all the books in the prison library, joins the debate team and the Nation of Islam. Malcolm grapples with race, politics, religion, and justice in the 1940s. And as his time in jail comes to an end, he begins to awaken — emerging from prison more than just Malcolm Little: Now, he is Malcolm X.

Here is an intimate look at Malcolm X’s young adult years. While this book chronologically follows X: A Novel, it can be read as a stand-alone historical novel that invites larger discussions on black power, prison reform, and civil rights.

When You Look Like Us by Pamela N. Harris HarperCollins

When you look like us—brown skin, brown eyes, black braids or fades—people think you’re trouble. No one looks twice at a missing black girl from the projects because she must’ve brought whatever happened to her upon herself. I, Jay Murphy, can admit that, for a minute, I thought my sister, Nicole, got too caught up with her boyfriend—a drug dealer—and his friends.

But she’s been gone too long now.

If I hadn’t hung up on her that night, she’d be spending time with our grandma. If I was a better brother, she’d be finishing senior year instead of being another name on a missing persons list. It’s time to step up and do what the Newport News police department won’t.

Week of January 12th

Chlorine Sky by Mahogany L. Browne Crown Books for Young Readers

She looks me hard in my eyes & my knees lock into tree trunks My eyes don’t dance like my heartbeat racing They stare straight back hot daggers. I remember things will never be the same. I remember things.

With gritty and heartbreaking honesty, Mahogany L. Browne delivers a novel-in-verse about broken promises, fast rumors, and when growing up means growing apart from your best friend.

The Meet-Cute Project by Rhiannon Richardson Simon & Schuster

Mia’s friends love rom-coms. Mia hates them. They’re silly, contrived, and not at all realistic. Besides, there are more important things to worry about—like how to handle living with her bridezilla sister, Sam, who’s never appreciated Mia, and surviving junior year juggling every school club offered and acing all of her classes.

So when Mia is tasked with finding a date to her sister’s wedding, her options are practically nonexistent.

Mia’s friends, however, have an idea. It’s a little crazy, a little out there, and a lot inspired by the movies they love that Mia begrudgingly watches too.

Mia just needs a meet-cute.

Concrete Rose (The Hate U Give, #0) by Angie Thomas Balzer + Bray

If there’s one thing seventeen-year-old Maverick Carter knows, it’s that a real man takes care of his family. As the son of a former gang legend, Mav does that the only way he knows how: dealing for the King Lords. With this money he can help his mom, who works two jobs while his dad’s in prison.

Life’s not perfect, but with a fly girlfriend and a cousin who always has his back, Mav’s got everything under control.

Until, that is, Maverick finds out he’s a father.

Suddenly he has a baby, Seven, who depends on him for everything. But it’s not so easy to sling dope, finish school, and raise a child. So when he’s offered the chance to go straight, he takes it. In a world where he’s expected to amount to nothing, maybe Mav can prove he’s different.

When King Lord blood runs through your veins, though, you can’t just walk away. Loyalty, revenge, and responsibility threaten to tear Mav apart, especially after the brutal murder of a loved one. He’ll have to figure out for himself what it really means to be a man.

Angel of Greenwood by Randi Pink Feiwel and Friends

Seventeen-year-old Isaiah Wilson is, on the surface, a town troublemaker, but is hiding that he is an avid reader and secret poet, never leaving home without his journal. A passionate follower of WEB. Du Bois, he believes that black people should rise up to claim their place as equals.

Sixteen-year-old Angel Hill is a loner, mostly disregarded by her peers as a goody-goody. Her father is dying, and her family’s financial situation is in turmoil. Also, as a loyal follower of Booker T. Washington, she believes, through education and tolerance, that black people should rise slowly and without forced conflict.

Though they’ve attended the same schools, Isaiah never noticed Angel as anything but a dorky, Bible toting church girl. Then their English teacher offers them a job on her mobile library, a three-wheel, two-seater bike. Angel can’t turn down the money and Isaiah is soon eager to be in such close quarters with Angel every afternoon.

But life changes on May 31, 1921 when a vicious white mob storms the community of Greenwood, leaving the town destroyed and thousands of residents displaced. Only then, Isaiah, Angel, and their peers realize who their real enemies are.

Week of January 19th

Thirty Talks Weird Love by Alessandra Narváez Varela Cinco Puntos Press

Out of nowhere, a lady comes up to Anamaría and says she’s her, from the future. But Anamaría’s thirteen, she knows better than to talk to some weirdo stranger. Girls need to be careful, especially in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico—it’s the 90’s and fear is overtaking her beloved city as cases of kidnapped girls and women become alarmingly common. This thirty-year-old “future” lady doesn’t seem to be dangerous but she won’t stop bothering her, switching between cheesy Hallmark advice about being kind to yourself, and some mysterious talk about saving a girl.

Anamaría definitely doesn’t need any saving, she’s doing just fine. She works hard at her strict, grade-obsessed middle school—so hard that she hardly gets any sleep; so hard that the stress makes her snap not just at mean girls but even her own (few) friends; so hard that when she does sleep she dreams about dying—but she just wants to do the best she can so she can grow up to be successful. Maybe Thirty’s right, maybe she’s not supposed to be so exhausted with her life, but how can she ask for help when her city is mourning the much bigger tragedy of its stolen girls?

This thought-provoking, moving verse novel will lead adult and young adult readers alike to vital discussions on important topics—like dealing with depression and how to recognize this in yourself and others—through the accessible voice of a thirteen-year-old girl.

Your Corner Dark by Desmond Hall Atheneum/Dlouhy

Things can change in a second:

The second Frankie Green gets that scholarship letter, he has his ticket out of Jamaica.

The second his longtime crush, Leah, asks him on a date, he’s in trouble.

The second his father gets shot, suddenly nothing else matters.

And the second Frankie joins his uncle’s gang in exchange for paying for his father’s medical bills, there’s no going back…or is there?

As Frankie does things he never thought he’d be capable of, he’s forced to confront the truth of the family and future he was born into—and the ones he wants to build for himself.

Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo Dutton Books for Young Readers

“That book. It was about two women, and they fell in love with each other.” And then Lily asked the question that had taken root in her, that was even now unfurling its leaves and demanding to be shown the sun: “Have you ever heard of such a thing?”

Seventeen-year-old Lily Hu can’t remember exactly when the question took root, but the answer was in full bloom the moment she and Kathleen Miller walked under the flashing neon sign of a lesbian bar called the Telegraph Club.

America in 1954 is not a safe place for two girls to fall in love, especially not in Chinatown. Red-Scare paranoia threatens everyone, including Chinese Americans like Lily. With deportation looming over her father—despite his hard-won citizenship—Lily and Kath risk everything to let their love see the light of day.

If I Tell You the Truth by Jasmin Kaur HarperCollins

Told in prose, poetry, and illustration, this heartrending story weaves Kiran’s and Sahaara’s timelines together, showing a teenage Kiran and, later, her high school–aged daughter, Sahaara.

Kiran is a young Punjabi Sikh woman who becomes pregnant after being sexually assaulted by her fiancé’s brother. When her fiancé and family don’t believe her, she flees her home in India to Canada, where she plans to raise the child as a single mother. For Kiran, living undocumented means constant anxiety over finances, work, safety, and whether she’ll be deported back to the dangers that await her in Punjab.

Eighteen years later, Kiran’s daughter, Sahaara, is desperate to help her mother, who has been arrested and is facing deportation. In the aftermath, Kiran reveals the truth about Sahaara’s conception. Horrified, Sahaara encourages Kiran to speak out against the man who raped her—who’s now a popular political figure in Punjab. Sahaara must find the best way to support her mother while also dealing with the revelation about her parents.

We Free the Stars (Sands of Arawiya #2) by Hafsah Faizal Farrar, Straus and Giroux

The battle on Sharr is over. The dark forest has fallen. Altair may be captive, but Zafira, Nasir, and Kifah are bound for Sultan’s Keep, determined to finish the plan he set in motion: restoring the hearts of the Sisters of Old to the minarets of each caliphate, and finally returning magic to all of Arawiya. But they are low on resources and allies alike, and the kingdom teems with fear of the Lion of the Night’s return.

As the zumra plots to overthrow the kingdom’s darkest threat, Nasir fights to command the magic in his blood. He must learn to hone his power into a weapon, to wield not only against the Lion but against his father, trapped under the Lion’s control. Zafira battles a very different darkness festering in her through her bond with the Jawarat—a darkness that hums with voices, pushing her to the brink of her sanity and to the edge of a chaos she dare not unleash. In spite of the darkness enclosing ever faster, Nasir and Zafira find themselves falling into a love they can’t stand to lose…but time is running out to achieve their ends, and if order is to be restored, drastic sacrifices will have to be made.

Lush and striking, hopeful and devastating, We Free the Stars is the masterful conclusion to the Sands of Arawiya duology by New York Times–bestselling author Hafsah Faizal.

Week of January 26th

Written in Starlight (Woven in Moonlight #2) by Isabel Ibañez Page Street Kids

If the jungle wants you, it will have you…

Catalina Quiroga is a Condesa without a country. She’s lost the Inkasisa throne, the loyalty of her people, and her best friend. Banished to the perilous Yanu Jungle, Catalina knows her chances of survival are slim, but that won’t stop her from trying to escape. It’s her duty to reclaim the throne.

When Manuel, the son of her former general, rescues Catalina from a jaguar, a plan forms. Deep in the jungle, the city of gold is hidden, home to the fierce Illari people, who she could strike an alliance with.

But the elusive Illari are fighting a battle of their own—a mysterious blight is corrupting the jungle, laying waste to everything they hold dear. As a seer, Catalina should be able to help, but her ability to read the future in the stars is as feeble as her survival instincts. While searching for the Illari, Catalina must reckon with her duty and her heart to find her true calling, which could be the key to stopping the corruption before it destroys the jungle completely.

The Knockout by Sajni Patel Flux

If seventeen-year-old Kareena Thakkar is going to alienate herself from the entire Indian community, she might as well do it gloriously. She’s landed the chance of a lifetime, an invitation to the US Muay Thai Open, which could lead to a spot on the first-ever Olympic team. If only her sport wasn’t seen as something too rough for girls, something she’s afraid to share with anyone outside of her family. Despite pleasing her parents, exceling at school, and making plans to get her family out of debt, Kareena’s never felt quite Indian enough, and her training is only making it worse.

Which is inconvenient, since she’s starting to fall for Amit Patel, who just might be the world’s most perfect Indian. Admitting her feelings for Amit will cost Kareena more than just her pride–she’ll have to face his parents’ disapproval, battle her own insecurities, and remain focused for the big fight. Kareena’s bid for the Olympics could very well make history–if she has the courage to go for it.

Wings of Ebony (Wings of Ebony #1) by J. Elle Denene Millner Books/Simon Schuster Books for Young Readers

“Make a way out of no way” is just the way of life for Rue. But when her mother is shot dead on her doorstep, life for her and her younger sister changes forever. Rue’s taken from her neighborhood by the father she never knew, forced to leave her little sister behind, and whisked away to Ghizon—a hidden island of magic wielders.

Rue is the only half-god, half-human there, where leaders protect their magical powers at all costs and thrive on human suffering. Miserable and desperate to see her sister on the anniversary of their mother’s death, Rue breaks Ghizon’s sacred Do Not Leave Law and returns to Houston, only to discover that Black kids are being forced into crime and violence. And her sister, Tasha, is in danger of falling sway to the very forces that claimed their mother’s life.

Worse still, evidence mounts that the evil plaguing East Row is the same one that lurks in Ghizon—an evil that will stop at nothing until it has stolen everything from her and everyone she loves. Rue must embrace her true identity and wield the full magnitude of her ancestors’ power to save her neighborhood before the gods burn it to the ground.

[avidbeader]

Voltron Season 6

Okay, now that I’ve seen the season (and that was much harder than it needed to be, but I’ll save that for another post), I will try to get some initial thoughts down. I’m sure I’ll have more as I rewatch.

TL;DR version - I loved this season.

If you follow me, you know I ship Sheith and ship it hard. And S6 makes me feel like I won the lottery there. I was hoping that the Operation Kuron thing would be settled. I was hoping Keith would return to the team, be the one to discover the clone plot, and find a way to rescue Shiro. I was hoping there might be another hug. I was hoping for some flashbacks to how Keith and Shiro got to know one another.

I was not expecting a scene that I have seen a dozen variations of in fanfic. I was NOT expecting a battle of “Akira”-level epic-ness, a crossover fic of “Winter Soldier”, and the clear declaration of “I love you”. I think I would have legit screamed if my husband hadn’t been watching with me.

(And miss me with the “brother” thing. Thanks to the flashbacks we see that other than his dad (because he didn’t remember his mom), Shiro is the only person that Keith cares about. He has no frame of reference for when the affection and friendship from his side slides into romantic love. I’ve seen plenty of posts from gay people who verify that yes, calling that person for whom you have all these new messy feelings a brother or sister at first is actually something that happens. And *because* JDS started with “brother”, he could finish with “I love you” and not have the toy company execs try to censor it. I look forward to seeing how much more they are able to do with this.)

I’m trying to decide whether I’m surprised or not that they killed Kuron. On the one hand, we’ve already had the brother variation in GoLion and the melding of both those characters into one in DotU. On another, my understanding is that Lauren Montgomery and Joaquim Dos Santos originally planned to either kill Shiro off permanently or have him be gone until nearly the last minute in order to have Keith grow into leadership. But for once the toy execs were useful and insisted that they weren’t going to create toys for a character that was only around for the first two seasons. (Boy, the philosophy has changed from my childhood, where two seconds in the background was enough reason to make yet another Star Wars action figure...)

My interpretation is that Kuron’s consciousness died the moment his connection to Haggar was severed, leaving behind a body running on minimal brain activity. That’s the most moral way to have Allura recover Shiro’s consciousness from the Black Lion and infuse him into Kuron’s body, since his own is nowhere to be found. It’s rather sad, since Kuron was certainly trying his best when he wasn’t being pushed by Haggar into doing her bidding. I will be interested to see whether Shiro has access to or retains any of Kuron’s memories, or how much Shiro knows - if his essence was tied to the Black Lion, he may only know what the Lion was there to witness.

At the moment, I’m not a fan of the all-white hair. I really grew to love Shiro’s look in S1-2 and was only putting up with the look of S3-4 Shiro because I figured we’d see Original Shiro back once the Kuron plot was done. But that’s just my personal opinion and I’ll try to make myself get used to it - even though it reminds me of those horrifying edits where people just removed all the hair from the characters’ heads.

Non-Sheith stuff:

I was SO immensely relieved and happy when I realized that the time-skip was (1) on Keith’s side and (2) he was with his mom and got a pet in the process. I was legitimately pissed off in advance at the idea of Keith being stuck alone or just doing Blade stuff while the rest of the paladins were in the semi-leaked long sleep that came from a cast interview. Instead, it seems like he and his mother had the time to get to know one another again forced upon them. (The fact that it makes the age discourse even more irrelevant than it was already? That’s a bonus.)

I was not surprised that Lotor had some really nasty skeletons in the closet. I may find some more to think about, but I do feel that the story was written fairly, showing through Zarkon and Honerva the effects of being exposed to the rift, and telegraphing that same effect onto Lotor (such as reverting to “Victory or Death” when facing the white lion of Oriande). Whether or not he might have overcome it given enough time and support...that’s for fanfic to explore. And when you contrast the fact that Lotor chose to sacrifice others (the Alteans he took to the “colony” in his quest, Narti back in S3 or S4) while Allura tended to sacrifice *herself* from early on (healing the Balmera, getting Shiro out of the Galra ship)... I think that draws a pretty clear line between their characters and the paths they were destined for.

In general, I wasn’t wincing near as much through the “comedy” episode and didn’t have to fast-forward at all. (Which I do with parts of “Space Mall” and I do not intend to watch “The Voltron Show” ever again.) I was delighted to see Pidge uncover a little Blade of Marmora when her dwarf was smashing pots and looking for treasure “Zelda” style. Yes, it would have been fun if Coran had chosen for Keith to turn up as an NPC, but I can understand why they decided to keep it simple.

I also liked that, although this was a Keith-heavy set of episodes, they did give plenty to the other characters. Hunk got to shine with leading the repairs on the shield. The revelation that Pidge had created something to take out Shiro’s arm? Logical and devastating. And I don’t think I rolled my eyes at Lance even one time this season, which is quite an accomplishment. I loved seeing him be honest with himself about his feelings for Allura, and even examining them with a maturity that has been slowly developing over time. I love how Allura went all in to save him in the first episode - I hope that’s pointing toward an endgame ship, because those are two characters that I think would be good for one another.

I liked the use of what few background characters we had, although I was getting dizzy from all the twists and turns from Axca’s loyalties and (until the last time) impatient with how quick to accept said turns Ezor and Zethrid were. I am very curious to see what Haggar/Honerva is planning next - I expect her to be the final big bad to defeat in the last third of the show.

And while I need to go back and watch S5-6 back to back to be sure, I get the feeling that the entire team went full throttle here. The writing was tight overall, the characterization mostly logical, the animation incredible, the music fantastic, and the voice actors had some tour-de-force moments in what was already a set of strong performances.

And now we’re going back to Earth, something that was legitimately deflected by the showrunners when asked several months ago. I was not expecting that - I figured Pidge was about to say they needed to go to Olkarion to get a new castle built. But now we’ve got Earth in the picture again, and my husband is letting himself hope just a little for Vehicle Voltron to make an appearance. I am pumped and eager to see what happens next even as I savor everything that this season gave us.

[survivorsuriname]

Jury Speeches and Answers

Kenjie

WELL GUYS CONGRATS TO THE BOTH OF YOU. Heres what im going to say! No question who is my vote and this person is way far deserving to the person next to him or her ! So congrats.

Quincy

Hi everyone remember me? Well, I don’t remember you that well so tell me your greatest memory you had with me

Xenia

I feel both Blakey and Vi's social game sucked. I congratulate both for surviving in spite of that because that is what the game is about eventually. The winning part of it is about Jury management. How do they both feel they were better than the other t Jury Management? My vote is based on that. Good Luck!

Elizabeth

Congrats on making the F2!

Vi - I'm not sure what your game was from your speech so could you just sum it up in your answer ?

Questions for both of you:

- Why does the other finalist deserve to win over you? - If you could change one thing about your game, what would it be and why?

Jake

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y5xImBUylB7s1uPN_vZKiK1U54W-wOzkJYuk8cFPlYs/edit

Sean

congrats to you both! i enjoyed playing with y'all and my vote is still up in the air, i'm gonna see how you guys answer the questions from myself and my fellow jurors to determine who gets my vote. blake: jake has been saying that you are taking credit for things that he and elizabeth did, what do you think you did that separates yourself from them in this game as your own player? vi: i think you're a great person, but i also didn't really see much of you throughout the game. were you still doing things behind the scenes that impacted the game, and if so, what?

BLAKE

Jake

Okay, first off, I will apologise wholeheartedly for the arrogance in my speech. You probably know me better than anyone as an emotional hothead who doesn’t think about things before he says them, so if I came off as arrogant- which obviously I did- that wasn’t my intention whatsoever.

I’m gonna respond to all your stuff: - Firstly yes, the idol guess thing was not accurate, because I didn’t actually want to go find an idol, but I felt at this point you had told me that I was a goat so were more invested in me staying for your benefit

- Decreased activity actually did win me an ORG. That time, it wasn’t a strategy. This time, it was. Yes, I was busy hosting Twisted, and yes, I was busy doing other things, but it was a conscious effort not to log in/strategise unless I needed to. In my last ORG, it got my ally so complacent they gave me their idol and I idol’d them out with it. I didn’t need to play until Final 9 by which point everyone left in the cast assumed I didn’t care, so I avoided vote after vote, so knowing that decreased activity had won me an ORG, I made the decision not to check unless I desperately needed to, and this did diminish my threat status. In so many ORGs, I make a move too early, or I make myself too big a target by talking to everyone, strategizing too hard, etc. etc. but with decreased activity, I won an ORG, so since then I decided to adopt that into a strategy to allow people to give me more information which would allow me to assess who was easy to beat and who wasn’t, but picking up social games so my allies would be voted out over me and I’d still have room to move. I know you don’t believe it is a strategy,  but when it did win me the ORG the first time (when it wasn’t a strategy) I adopted the same approach in hopes of winning this one.

- When I talked about agreeing on Quincy, I was talking about my conversation with Sean. At that point one of my key alliances/social connections was with Sean as I made my secret final two deal with him. You guys did decide on Quincy (which I was happy with), but in this instance I was talking about my chat with Sean.

- Our friendship outside the game helped significantly in that but I do believe I had some control over you. You’d assumed that I didn’t care and was playing for third, and I knew then that I could make moves I wanted because the first part of my strategy had worked. I believed that you never saw me as a threat and honestly would have gone along with things I wanted to do.

- You talk about Vi taking me because she didn’t want the easy win. I do believe that my connection with her was a significant part in getting me here because I approached her at F8, and she told me that she would vote with me for the rest of the game. Even though Vi probably isn’t playing for the win, I do believe that doesn’t mean my connection with her should be underestimated.

Again, I’m sorry for the arrogance in my speech. It was never my intention and if I could change my speech now I would do it significantly. As you know me pretty well outside the game you’d know that I don’t really think about things before I say them. This has gotten me in trouble before, it’s gotten me in trouble now, and it will continue to get me in trouble in the future. I’m really sorry, Jake.

Elizabeth

Hey Liz! Thanks for the questions.

1. If Vi were to be given the win over me it would be for my arrogance at FTC. Truthfully, I think the thing that separates Vi and I is that I played for the win and she didn’t. Jake said it in his speech; Vi asked me to vote her out at F4 and I believe she would have at F3 as well if I’d won. She said “dammit” when she won the F5 immunity. A lot of the things she did in the game indicated that she didn’t care much, or that she was happy to be fourth/third whatever, while I played my ass off from F9 onwards. Even in my horribly misguided FTC speech, I was still playing for the win. To answer your question, I believe that if Vi deserves the win over me it would be solely based on my arrogance in FTC. 2. Hands down the thing I would change about my game is my FTC speech. As I mentioned in my reply to Jake, and as a lot of people who know me both in and outside the game know, I’m a massive hothead who really doesn’t think about the things I say and the way they’ll come across. If I could go back, I would tone down the arrogance in my FTC speech and come off as a lot more humble. If that loses me the game I will kick myself forever because I believe I did play strongly and to blow it here would be devastating.

Quincy

Hey Quincy! First off something funny, I went back in our Skype conversation because I thought of something cool that we’d talked about and I actually confused you with Sassy! LMAO RIP MY LIFE. Probably our only memory was you going to this concert thing and showing me a pic of it? And during the tribal phase when we had that luck challenge, we messaged each other saying how we didn’t understand it, but that’s about as far as we got because we unfortunately ended up on opposite sides after that.

Xenia

Hey Xenia! First, I won’t deny that my social game did lack big at times. I swore at Kenjie a couple of times and did act arrogant at times because I didn’t think about what  I said before I said it and honestly that’s been a big lesson of mine in this ORG. As for my Jury management, I think I was better than Vi for the following reasons: - When I stuck with you, I stuck with you: I found the people who were loyal to me, and in previous ORG’s I’d learned that flipping constantly didn’t win respect from the Jury. When Jake went home, I maintained my loyalty to Liz, I fought my ass off with the intention of saving both of us. With Sean, I stuck with him constantly until the end where there were no other options. With Emily, I made a very strong, genuine friendship with her from the F7 onwards, and we made a deal and I never would have broken that. - Even when people were on the other side, I maintained good relationships with them. This is mainly with Geri, who unfortunately isn’t on the jury, but he and I had a massive mutual respect for each other, and when it finally came time that I won immunity, we maintained that respect. Although I lost my cool at you and Kenjie sometimes, I still maintained respect for the other side as I, with Kenjie particularly, believed a game is a game and friends are friends, and we kept that between us despite the fact we ended up on opposite sides and I eventually voted him out.

I hope that answer is satisfying for you!

Sean

Hey Sean! Okay, so, I’m assuming here that you’re talking about the game while Jake was still in it, so the things that separated me from them were:

- My initial relationship with Kenjie, on Julianatop, I formed entirely on my own. There was no direction from Jake, in fact, I suggested to Kenjie that Jake be brought in as the third to our alliance. I wanted to balance the thing with Jake with the relationship I was fast forming with Kenjie and that’s how I did it. - My entire deal with you: making the F2 with you, pledging to go to the end, and us voting together, was the first breakout thing I did after Jake told me that he thought I was happy to be the third place goat to he and Liz at the end. Therefore, mirroring what I did in the org that I won, I scoped the remaining people on the other side for someone I thought had a low threat status like me and would be happy to make a duo, and was someone I could beat. That turned out to be you, so I worked on forging an alliance between us. That was a big move of mine that I did entirely without Jake, and with our alliance I would have planned on getting him out at F7 had he not been eliminated at F9.

I did stick with Jake and Liz until the F9 because, having won an ORG previously, I knew I was in a solid position, they thought I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be the one in our three to take the heat, and I was able to work behind the scenes, so there was no need for me to do anything too extravagant that would risk me getting voted out earlier, but I knew I needed to separate myself from him, which is why I jumped on making the deal with you. That deal with you ended up being the basis for giving me the confidence to move at F8. So I really hope this proves that I was my own player and I hope I’ve satisfied you!

Vi

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O0rzENmX1dZojlwi_j-8y-bxyKMnDWGlGYy6pY8xYMo/edit

I am now accepting votes

[brightbeautifulthings]

Ruin & Rising by Leigh Bardugo

"'Beauty was your armor. Fragile stuff, all show. But what's inside you? That's steel. It's brave and unbreakable. And it doesn't need fixing.'"

Year Read: 2018

Rating: 4/5

Context: This series has been kind of all over the place for me. I thought the first was very well done, the second was very slow, and this one fell somewhere in the middle. In hindsight, I'm thinking it was a mistake to read Six of Crows before The Grisha Trilogy, not because of spoilers but because there's a significant difference in quality. I think I'd have loved these a lot more if I didn't have her later books to compare them to. There are spoilers ahead for Shadow & Bone and Siege & Storm.

About: Alina and her friends have gone underground after the Darkling's latest attack--literally underground with the Apparat and his congregation. He's determined to make a saint out of the Sun Summoner, but Alina has an agenda of her own. Once they escape, she plans to find the third amplifier and destroy the Darkling and the Fold once and for all.

Thoughts: This is not a bad book, and there are quite a lot of things this trilogy does very well. The writing is excellent, and the world-building is stunning. Bardugo's Grishaverse feels in every way like a real place, down to its languages and its bigotry. There's a much better sense in this trilogy of how difficult things are for the Grisha and how, before the Darkling (and even after), there wasn't a real place for them even in Ravka. They're both feared and desired for their power. It's a gorgeous, harsh, sometimes devastating world, and for everything else that didn't quite work for me, they're worth reading for that alone.

For as fast-paced as the Six of Crows duology is, the Grisha trilogy is a lesson in patience. There's a lot of traveling. There's a lot of the characters having no idea what they're doing. There's a lot of searching for amplifiers (still?), and it drags at the pace even in Ruin & Rising. I wasn't as frustrated by its slowness as I was in Siege & Storm, but it's a problem that spans all three books. They're also quite bleak. The Darkling is such a formidable villain that there's never any sense that he can actually be beaten, and it gives the entire series an atmosphere of hopelessness. I was preparing myself for a conclusion in which everyone dies because even a reasonably happy ending just doesn't seem possible.

I think I could have managed all my less than stellar feelings about the series if I had liked the characters more. With the exception of Genya (who's not on the page all that often), I wasn't moved by any of them. Alina's pessimism wore on me after the first book, and there was never a point where I found the Darkling compelling. I understand he's supposed to be seductive and, at times, sympathetic, but I was never feeling it. The attempts to humanize him fell flat for me, and he mostly just seemed like this bland, insurmountable force of wickedness.

The upside of Ruin & Rising is that Nikolai grew on me a lot. Seeing him face actual challenges did a lot for his character development, and while I don't love him, there's a possibility that might change eventually. Mal also underwent significant changes by the end of the series. He's still not one of my favorite love interests, but he kind of came into his own in this book when he stopped beating up Alina (and himself) for their failed romance and started focusing on keeping everyone alive. Some of my favorite lines in the novel ended up coming from him.

I also like the way the friendships have progressed in this book, as it seems like people who could never come together on anything--Alina, Zoya, and Genya--finally learn to trust each other, and maybe even call each other friends. There's a strong sense of camaraderie and loyalty in Alina's group that was a long time coming. The end has some surprising twists thrown in, and I was more satisfied with the way things went down than I expected to be. I'm strongly tempted to re-read Crooked Kingdom now so I can see these characters in a new context. While I didn't love the series as much as I'd hoped, I liked it and appreciated it, and they're still near the top of the shelf for YA high fantasy.

[golddaggers]

Switch

Reader x Kol Mikaelson

(NOT MY GIF)

*requested

Imagine: You had just been transformed into a vampire and commited your first kill, which induced you to turn off your emotions in order to help you cope. Yet, being so close to the Mikaelson family, they would not allow you to stay that way for long. However, despite how hard they try, the only one who manages to break down your walls is Kol Mikaelson.

Warnings: lights descriptions of torture, mostly fluff and swearing. no biggie. 

Word Count: 2503

I fell onto the cold, hard ground, finally realising what I had done. Blood was spilt across my face and my body, proving it was not just some twisted dream fabricated by my mind to punish me for becoming a vampire; no, I had actually killed all those people. Their limp forms were scattered throughout the dark room, their necks broken due to my brutally. A growing pain took over me, leading to a strangled, loud gasp to crawl out of my lips. The guilt was too much for me to overcome it so easily.

“Y/N?” A deep, somehow soft too, male voice cut through the devastating silence. “What happened here?”

“I murdered them.” I managed to blurt out, tears already streaming down my warm, red cheeks. “I was angry, scared, hungry. I-I couldn’t control myself, Kol. I just couldn’t.”

“Oh baby.” He whispered in a soothing tone, one I did not deserve. “I hate to see you like that! It was a mistake. You’re new, it happens.”

“No, no, no. I ripped these people from their lives. I shouldn't… I can’t!”

“Y/N, listen to me!” My eyes were screwed shut, yet, the salty teardrops kept descending, reaching my bottom lip. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Turn it off.” Someone else said, coming from behind Kol. “You don’t have to suffer because of this. Just turn it off.”

“Are you insane, mate?” The tall, brown haired man yelled, obviously mad at the proposition. “She’s not going to do this!”

Damon smirked, tilting his head slightly, whilst graciously leaning against a covered with scarlet blood wall. Although it was a entirely crazy idea, my Salvatore friend had a point. Turning my emotions off could be really helpful, for it would rule out of the game all distractions. It would help me develop as a vampire. Plus, if I experience even one more ounce of this crushing pain I have inside now, I would surely break.  

For one second I felt everything rushing through me, every bit of feeling, like pure energy was flowing inside my veins, and then it was over. I did not feel a thing. Not guilt, not sadness. Absolutely nothing. Solely void was left behind.

“Y/N, please tell me you didn't…”

A bright, wide smile curled my lips, revealing there was nothing that the mighty Mikaelson could do, except enjoy this new side of me.

“I did, honey bunch.” I winked at him, getting back on my own feet. “Now, if you excuse me, I have a few business to solve.”

“You’re not going anywhere.” Kol stated, grasping my wrist and forcing me to stay where I was. “And Damon, you better disappear before I have the chance to rip your heart out.”

Those words said, it took less than a split  second for the plain white room to get suddenly crowded. Stefan and Elena went to Damon’s side, gently clutching his arms, assuring he would stay in place; yet, they did not come alone, for Rebekah, Klaus and Elijah rapidly approached their reckless sibling as well. I sighed, starting to get utterly bored from this whole situation.

Klaus cleared his throat, moving one step ahead and shooting a fierce look towards the Salvatores. He was obviously not happy to be seeing this horrific scene.

“Alright, who is going to explain what has happened here​?”

“Why was Kol threatening Damon?” The brown haired doppelgänger quizzed, quirking an eyebrow. “I thought we had decided to call a truce. For Y/N’s sake.”

“He pushed Y/N into turning off her emotions.” The younger Mikaelson brother said, narrowing his eyes and still keeping me under his tight grip. However, even though this dialogue was annoying as hell, I could not care less about what was on the verge of happening. “Is it enough or you fellas need me to find another reason to be mad at the glorious Damon Salvatore?”

“You mean she…” Rebekah’s voice died out before she finished her sentence and her sibling replied with a weak nod. Man, those people were simply pathetic! “Let’s go home, then. We need to get Y/N back as soon as possible.”

Ultimately, I pushed Kol’s hand away from my upper arm and went to the centre of the room, staring each person standing in there. They had quickly formed a circle around me, perhaps thinking they could avoid my escape. Fools.

I chuckled, sustaining their strong glances at me and crossing my arms on my chest.

“Uh, if I may have a say on my own life, I don’t want to turn back on. I’m actually feeling pretty good the way I am.”

“I’m sorry, love, but you have no idea what you want right now.”

“Out of everyone, Klaus, I really thought you would appreciate this new version of me.” Licking my lips, I walked smoothly to where the Hybrid was whilst hearing everyone’s breathing hitch on their respective throats. “I was obviously wrong.”

“No, darling, you were wrong to get closer enough for me to this.”

Then Klaus, piecing his blue eyes on my own, got hold of my neck, his hands soft on the skin he grasped; sharing one last look, he swiftly twisted it, killing me where I stood. Yet, even though darkness engulfed me pretty quickly, I still formed one last thought: the blond Hybrid was totally right.

The room I woke up to was bright. And amazingly beautiful. Like it belong to a king. Or a queen. Its walls had a miscellaneous set of colours while the expensive furniture was perfectly positioned, like it had been made to that exact spot. The whole thing was simply perfect. However, whatever amazingness I should have been caught into, it was broken the second I realised I was chained up. Urgh, why couldn’t they just let me go? This is so boring!

“She’s awake.” Rebekah muttered, swinging the tall white doors open. “Hello, Y/N.”

“Oh, hello, munchkin.” An ironic smirk lied carelessly on my lips. “Such a nice day, isn’t it?”

“I definitely hate turned off Y/N.” She rolled her eyes, annoyed, yet, I could still see sadness playing on her gorgeous traits. “Come on. I want to try it first.”

“Poor Rebekah, always trying to save the ones she loves.” I said, staring at her emotionlessly. It was odd, though, for the memories of our friendship were still fresh in my mind.  I was not able to care, though. “Don’t you get tired?”

The blonde soaked a small blade in a transparent, thin liquid, right before she dug it into me. I could sense the stinging pain, yet, it was not enough. I smiled faintly at her failed attempt to flip the switch back on.

“Try harder, Bekah!” It was teasing. Oldest trick in the world to get people mad. The ones who cared, anyway. “Come on! Fight for me.”

“God, you are such a spoilt brat!” The original snarled, burying the knife deep within my flesh. “Why don’t you obey, for once, the elders?”

“Enough, sister.” Klaus put his hand on her shoulder, stopping her to go any further. “Let me handle it. I might have a better chance.”

“Uh, I feel so especial! The mighty Hybrid caring for me.” A maniac smile changed my traits, giving it a crazy gleam, as he took his sister’s place, removing the blade afterwards. “Well, I should, shouldn’t I? I don’t. I feel nothing. Or does boredom count?”

“Look at me, Y/N.” I raised my chin, defying him by fixating my eyesight on his. “Now pay attention: you are loved. By everyone in this family. We would risk everything for you. Do anything. You’re a Mikaelson just as much as I am. Why don’t you try for us? Me, Rebekah, Elijah, Kol…”

“Really, Niklaus? That’s the trick you are using? Trying to make me feel like I belong?”

“You do belong, Y/N.” He stroke my cheek, his slim fingers tracing my cheekbones. “You are family. Come back to your family.”

“Nah, I don’t think that’ll break me.”

Klaus allowed a tired exhale to slip, shaking his head. I could bet he thought this was going to be easy: just appeal to her loyalty towards her family and she’ll be right back on track. Not exactly, Nik. I bit my bottom lip to avoid a sneer laugh. .

“Don’t make it so difficult, sweetheart.”

“I wouldn’t if you just let me go.”

“You see, darling, that’s not happening. You either flip back on or flip back on. There’s no other possibility.”

“Now what is it? Rage? Or is it pity? Doesn’t matter. It won’t do the trick, Niklaus.”

My last remark had done it for the Hybrid, because the anger within his irises announced what he was going to do next: snap my neck. For the second time. It must be my lucky day.

Simply marvellous!

“Are you awake now, love?” Someone questioned, tenderly massaging my arms, bringing me to a rather spinning reality. I blinked quickly, adjusting to the new found darkness. “Are you okay?”

“I am fine. Perfectly fine.” My voice sounded hoarse, probably due to the hours I spent “asleep”.”I imagined you would be their last resource. The reckless Mikaelson. My boyfriend, or is it ex? I don’t quite know.”

“Oh dear, it’s going to take a lot more than a humanity switch off for you to get rid of me.” He chuckled, bitterly. “I didn’t come here to convince you that this is wrong. I’m afraid you already are aware of it.”

“Then what?” I whispered, fighting against the tiredness. It was getting harder and harder to not feel anything. The emotions were scraping the walls of my head, crawling back to where they belonged. Nevertheless, I would not allow them to surface it. No. Never. “What do you want, mighty Mikaelson? Torture me some more? See if you, out of everyone, can make me flip back on?”  

“Nah, I just want to talk to you.”

“Care to be more specific, sweetheart?”

“I want to tell you a story.” He clarified in a smooth tone, his lips dangerously close to mine. His mint scented breath fanning all over my face, making me want to kiss him, to taste that mouth. Urgh. “About a relationship I had in the past.”

“Oh, I see. You do want to bore to death.”

“Quit being a brat and listen!”

“Fine.” A soft sigh escaped as I nodded, agreeing. “Go on.”

“Before I met you, I was madly in love with this girl called Davina Claire. Damn,  she was perfect! In every way.” Kol paused, swallowing thickly; perhaps he was struggling with the memories of his old ex girlfriend. “However, when she brought me back to life, it came with a price. I was cursed with an unbearable thirst. I tried to resist! It was worthless, for in the end, she died by my hand. And, God, it hurt like hell! I mean, I had lost the only thing that had ever made me feel something. I killed the only person that had ever touched my soul.”

“Is this supposed to be touching?”

“Oh come on, I’m not finished.”

“Proceed, then. At least it keeps me distracted from this knife buried in my skin.”

“I beg your pardon.” The brown haired Mikaelson smiled, gently, and pulled the blade off, winning a relieved gasp from me. Klaus must have put in back on to keep my blood flowing. “Now, as I was saying, I had lost everything. My magic. My Davina. Then I was bitten by Marcel and put into a slumber.”

“Didn’t you ever live? All your stories end with you in boxes.” The statement slipped and I widened my eyes, surprised. I did not care, why should I be asking stuff?

“I blame Nik for that, but you are right. My life kind of sucked and with Davina gone, it all became pointless again. That was when you, my tiny witty human, showed up.”

“I’m not tiny. Nor witty. Not even human.”

He laughed, clearly amused.  

“Yes, you’re still tiny and witty. For me anyway. And I love you. So much.”

“Can’t do anything about it.” I shrugged clumsily, still restrained by the chains soaked in vervain. “This is ridiculous, don’t you see? All of you? I won’t get my feelings back.”

Kol, suddenly, cupped my cheeks, his eyes filled with everything mine lacked. It was hard to sustain the intimate exchange of looks, for tears began to well up on that chocolate sea. If I kept staring, I knew I was not going to be able to resist any longer.

“I don’t want to lose you too, Y/N. You’re the only good thing in my life right now and I can’t afford it. I won’t let you destroy yourself because of a reckless mistake. Because I wasn’t around to teach you.”

I chewed my bottom lip, finally caving in and feeling the energy of my emotions flooding back in. All of it. Pain, guilt, rage, love. Love! I had hurt so many people I loved! How dared I say so many hurtful things to them?

Salty teardrops fell down my cheeks with the realisation of the evil I had performed in the time I spent off. No one should forgive me for what I did or said. I was not worthy of it. A cry rumbled in my chest as I absorbed, bit by bit, the enormous acheness from my previous actions.

“Baby?”

“I’m so s-sorry, my love.” Those words came out mingled, stuttered, strangled. I closed my eyes, avoiding the silky, reassuring look I got from my boyfriend when I voiced a coward apology. What good have I done to have someone so sweet to look after me like him? “The pain… It took over me. Made me do things. I thought I was going to break!”

“Hush, sweetheart.” His warm digits silenced me, resting against my mouth delicately. “First let me get you out of these chains.”

“How can you trust me, Kol?”

“We’ve been together for a while now and I got to know your eyes, those sweet Y/E/C eyes, very well. I know when you’re lying.” He broke the iron that held me up, which lead to a clumsily stumble, for I was unable to stand on my feet properly. The brown eyed Mikaelson picked me up, carefully placing me on his toned arms as if I weighed nothing. “Thank you for coming back to me. I don’t what I’d do without you.”

“Oh, Kol.” A goofy sigh slipped. “I will always come back to you.”

“Always?”

“Always.”

Afterwards, a smirk still enlightening his traits, he stole a kiss from my lips. It was just a peck, yet, it made me feel warmer. Of course my guilt, self loathing, hate, the whole package, remained, nonetheless Kol managed to shake it all off, forcing me to concentrate on the present and, for now, that was all I needed.

[howlinwolfwb]

A NEW FAN’S 1ST REACTION TO BERSERK

I was introduced months ago to the Berserk series by a personal friend, who showed me the 2009 Egg Of The King movie. Like most modern movie adaptations of classic series, the movie rushed through the beats of the story. But I had a feeling that I was watching parts of a story that could be great. Maybe it was my friends reverence of the source material, or the inference of character development of the movie.

But nothing could prepare me for the experience of watching the 1997 series. And as a new fan, it was definitely an experience like no other animé I’ve seen yet.

The original series is hard to find Stateside, but I eventually did. I heard about it from the friend who showed me the movie, and another distant friend. I knew that if I was hearing rave reviews about it from 2 sides of the globe, it was at least worth a peek. After watching the series once, I think I’ve just become a diehard fan. These are my thoughts on the show; this does not extend to the manga, the Golden Arc movies, or to the new ongoing series; this about the 1997 tv adaptation. I’ll post reviews of the manga as soon as I’ve gotten far enough into it. (20 years and still not finished? I hope that his ending’s that good, if he gets to it…) I might post reviews of each volume of the Berserk manga. In the meanwhile my thoughts of the show:

Holy fuck. No other way to say it. Holy FUCK, this show is amazing. It’s a very well-written, dark fantasy/horror animé, but with a RICH depth and soul to it that is often overlooked in this genre of animé. It’s so good, with so many good elements to it, that I can’t analyze it as a whole. Every facet functioned so well, and added up perfectly to the shocking end.

The only other animé series that this show is comparable to, in terms of story quality, ending predictions, and the cumulative end result shaking me and getting deeply under my skin, is Neon Genesis Evangelion. The story didn’t go out of its way to force an emotional reaction from me; it told a much more human story than is common in horror fantasy manga. Although the ending is extreme, and a horrifying twist for the journey of the Hawk Knights, all of whom I’d come to invest in and care about through Guts’s eyes, I don’t regret seeing it. The story of Guts’s life and journey with the Hawk Knights stirred up a torrent of emotions in me as I progressed through the show, and the show dared me to not like it with THAT ending. It’s still tough to put into the right words how i feel about this article, so thank you, dear reader, for following me this far.

The story of Berserk is the story of Guts, the Black Swordsman, journeying a land based on the deceptively scenic Medieval Europe, and in times and experiences just as perilous and traumatizing.

Guts had an extreme childhood living with a band of mercenaries, under the charge of Gambino, a gruff, brutal, and unsympathetic father figure. When Gambino was crippled in battle, he tried to kill the terrified boy. Guts accidentally killed him during this, and was forced to run for his life from Gambino’s comrades. Narrowly escaping death by an arrow from Gambino’s comrades, he lives the rest of his life as an incredibly strong wandering mercenary, going from reward to reward. When he kills Bazuso, the giant Grey Knight, he attracts the attention of the perfectly bishie Griffith, leader of the rogue mercenary group Band of the Hawk. After challenging Guts to a duel, and proving the only knight that could defeat Guts and his immense person-size sword, Guts becomes inducted into the Hawk Knights after his recovery from the fight.

Guts then lives 3 years with the Hawks, living under the watchful and scolding eye of Casca, the lovely but harsh and jealous comrade, fighting alongside a man he now considers a dear friend. The Hawk Knights accompany Griffith as he starts to make a name for himself in royal courts, impressing and socializing with nobles and royalty, even though the nobles would rather see him and his band of plebs dead. They try multiple times to kill Griffith. Guts never wavers in his loyalty for Griffith, even attacking a noble, and killing the noble’s child by accident, for him. Until he overhears Griffith say to the princess:

It is my perception, that a true friend never relies on another's dream. A person with the potential to be my true friend, must be able to find his reason for life without my help. And, he would have to put his heart and soul into protecting his dream. He would never hesitate to fight for his dream, even against me. For me, a true friend is one who stands equal on those terms.

Guts was visibly shook by hearing this. He fell into a crisis of purpose, and of self. He had invested so much of his life and heart into being there for this man that it shakes his being when he hears that. He then resolved himself into leaving the Hawk Knights, to make something of himself, and to prove himself, to both Griffith, and to himself.

Something else bothered Guts, something that happened earlier than that friendship crisis. Guts and Griffith fought an immortal beast that nearly killed them both. The monster, known as Zodd the immortal, only stopped when he noticed the weird egg-shaped pendulum that Griffith always kept around his neck. The monster had stopped dead in its tracks when he saw that, just as he had been about to kill Griffith. He then warned Guts that Griffith would be his doom, should they ever become equals…

The story of Berserk is both aggressive, and heartfelt, at the same time. I was reminded of Game Of Thrones quite a few times in the show. I’m a big fan, as many of my followers already know. And THIS show is written about a time and place similar to Medieval Europe, it involves political intrigue, barbarity and brutality, no clean or pure heroes (anti-heroes at best), and a general feeling of bloodlust and anxiety. Sexuality is also a big factor in the show, but unlike GoT, it’s not for the sake of fanservice, which there’s very little of in Berserk. More often than not it isn’t consensual. Berserk is not just violent, or filled with blood porn; it is jarring and disturbing when you understand its ramifications. But it doesn’t revel in its viciousness; it’s simply a part of their life. Weary viewers and readers, you are officially warned. The real meat and heart of the story are in the bonds between the characters. This show, at its core, is about relationships between people, and the harshness of cutting them off or betraying them. Everyone in the Band of the Hawk has an important role for Guts, and means something different to each of them. Berserk knows its characters. Close attention is paid to nearly all of them. The show is so character-driven that the narrative comes second, to the point that the villains are almost universally pathetic, until the very end. I came to KNOW, and feel like I was best of friends with, the characters of Guts, Griffith, and even the gruff and spiteful Casca. This isn’t to say that the show is without edge; Berserk is edgy AS FUCK. Edgy enough for a circumcision. This show has blood porn for days; often times almost looking like rivers of blood every battle. But this show has an immensely emotional core, which is what I have come to realize is so incredibly important about the perspective of the story. This is the story of Guts, the broken medieval road warrior. In any standard fantasy story, Griffith would be the main character, and Guts would be a supporting or even background role. But this story is entirely through his eyes, and what the characters do with and to him. Griffith is seen almost entirely through Guts’s eyes, making him enigmatic, and always distant, even when standing right next to him and scolding Guts for doubting his trust. Also mold-breaking is the fact that nearly all of the characters are adults in their 20s. There’s plenty of angst and edge for and from everyone, but it’s well-deserved, and more importantly, not teenage emo angst. Which makes the end of Berserk THAT devastating, THAT heartbreaking, THAT painful to endure watching. I still remember being in shock from it when the credits rolled, and I realized that this was indeed the last episode, the end of the show. The show loops back to its beginning afterward; the first scene of the first episode was a cold opening that took place long after the events of the finale, and the very end of the last episode loops back to it. But what happened was an almost devastating watch the first time through. I had needed to simply go somewhere, and do something else; I even had to call a friend, and do other things for the rest of the night, because it was so unnerving. Not because it was a bad ending, or poorly written. It was a VERY well-written ending for the story, and I can see now how the events of the Hawk Knights had all led up to it. But the end was a SOUL-CRUSHING tragedy. I will not spoil it, but it was hard to sit through, with the implications, and with the end to the friendship of Guts, Griffith, and Casca. Does that change my opinion or my newfound love of the show? No; it doesn’t at all. Should a genuinely good story be shat on, because it ends as a no-holds-barred, and deeply unsettling tragedy? If so, why is the story of the Titanic still so popular? Why does that story bear repeating? And in consideration, this is a story of hard men (and a hard woman); a band of mercenaries who give no fucks about killing mercilessly, or climbing the social ladder in medieval days. Their destiny, their dream, could only end two ways: total glory, or absolute mayhem, and chaos, and death. And it should say something about western culture and entertainment that even now, with gritty and dark tv shows like Game Of Thrones and The Walking Dead, we still only have the appetite for optimistic and clean endings.

This show is brutal. Both viscerally, and emotionally brutal. And it’s incredibly rich in detail, and such a treat for the characters. I have just begun to read the manga, and I might later cover that. But I felt that I had to write about this, because this is the type of story worth going crazy over, and feeling genuinely for the characters, and NEEDING to express feelings over it when it’s over. It will likely affect the way that I write my own stories bc of it. I really, truly hope that you, the reader, will give this incredible animé a chance.

[hhemeraa-a]

How about bad end for Troy, tho?

Ends

            I actually physically can’t... make myself write this. Myles loves Troy so much that if Troy ever died, Myles would be like “whelp, guess today is my day to die too.” because he would 100% follow through with that. His disgusting sense of loyalty and devotion gets real sickly warped when it comes to people he loves and idk if Troy is that much better.  He is a literal ray of sunshine and would never purposefully hurt anyone.  Secrets are secrets, friendship is for life, he has a real hard wolf pack mentality and will protect all his friends and he tends to make those really easily. They are a pair that work so damn well together because they can balance out what the other lacks and really help each other grow even if Troy they both don’t realize it. They’ve both fucked up in some really sick and twisted ways and yeah sometimes they tend to enable each other in their more unsavory habits, but these two are bros for life and there is very little that can get between them. 

           With that though...

           It is not in Troy’s personality to do this, but if he ever used the time(s) they had sex together against Myles, Myles would literally fall apart. It would be so emotionally devastating because he trusts Troy with his life and to have this event that was already something he was emotionally hurt about doing thrown back in his face -- he would become a shut in.  He’d have the biggest emotional break down on the planet. He’d never leave his house and he’d waste away into nothingness.  Not because he slept with Troy and people know about it, but because someone he trust betrayed him. Someone he loved on top of it! And gave his all to just threw his flaws right into his face and laughed about it like it was nothing. 

           Had anyone else done this to him - someone he didn’t care about or just a surface level friend - Myles wouldn’t hesitate to kill them or ruin their lives slowly over the course of weeks, months, years. But Troy? Troy would make him never show his face ever again. 

[novelconcepts]

ficlet: rainbow hues

She wonders if color would be so important, if they hadn't all become friends this way. She wonders if she'd see them in such vivid hues, if they hadn't become Rangers. She can't imagine it any other way.

Color just makes so much sense.

Black

Zack is black like the middle of the night, like staggering out of bed into a moonlight-spattered hallway. Zack is the sensation of pulling sharply out of a nightmare to find yourself all shadows and eyelids. Zack is dragging breaths into your chest, banishing all those twisting little dots in front of your eyes, until you can root yourself in the world again.

Zack is black like the rushing adrenaline of not looking where you’re going, of twisting the wheel just to feel the car spin out, of taking the dive and trusting you’ll land on your feet somehow. Zack is the heart-in-throat sense of an out-of-orbit leap. Zack is crashing back to earth, sneakers pummeling dirt and skidding out under you, flailing to force balance back into the universe.

Zack is black like the space between thinking, like the button in your head which, when mashed flat, sends you into overdrive. Zack is the leap before the thoughts can take hold, the spiraling uncertainty of life or death. Zack is the knowledge that everything, everything, everything ends--so jump now, while you can, while the blood runs hot and your friends can break your landing. 

Zack is black because the world doesn’t always make sense, doesn’t always forgive even the best of us, and the adventuring soul knows this--knows this, and beats on against the current, turning darkness to raucous laughter, all the same.

Red

Jason is red like the siren in the night, shattering the silence, screaming to life. Jason is the motion which races toward the raging fire, the swinging fist, the cocking gun. Jason is the tearing lungs, the wind-up heartbeat, the soldier plunging into war. 

Jason is red like the sky when the sun bleeds out each evening, casting its last light so that life may continue to wrap things up for the day. Jason is the beam against the shadows, breaking up each blot of despair, leaving behind the heat of a summer steadiness. Jason is the stand-tall, walk-tall, get-back-up redwood among the pines. 

Jason is red like the blood in an empathetic face, like the moment you hear a secret and make it your own. Jason is the flashpoint of the very instant you decide--snap judgement, all certainty--to care about someone new. Jason is the hand on the shoulder of fear, squeezing tight, assurances that courage is not inaction in the face of horrors so much as the choice to walk on through the fear. 

Jason is red because everyone needs a leader sometimes, in the tiniest of moments when it’s too exhausting to carry the weight yourself, because the heartbeat of the sturdy cracks the ribcage wide open and bursts forth, carrying with it a grim determination that everything will work out in the end.

Blue

Billy is blue like the clearest July afternoon, when everything is possible, when all the pieces seem to order themselves on the table. Billy is the truth--beyond simple faith or hope--that every problem can be solved, given enough patience. Billy is the airstrike against ignorance. 

Billy is blue like the ocean current dealing blows to the mountainside, too strong to ever be set aside, at once life-giving and devastating. Billy is the principle of kindness wrapped tight around the principle of giving as good as you get, the careful switch between the pacifist and the clenched fist. Billy is push-too-hard-and-you’ll-go-under--but always, always starts off giving you a chance to float.

Billy is blue like the lightbulb going off, like the arrangement of numbers on a spreadsheet when they finally add up, like a world divided up into blocks that meet and click and build. Billy is the smile of one who does not need to think about friendship anymore, who only needs to reach out to know he is not alone in the world, who values trust and loyalty above all else. Billy is the presence over your shoulder, urging you on, saying, Yes, this monster can be bested--here is your sword. 

Billy is blue because blue is not the color of desperation, or depression, or despair, but the color of consistency and calm, the color of skies that stretch on and on into infinity. 

Pink

Kimberly is pink like the rose of a first morning light, like the realization that you have finally begun to forgive yourself, without even meaning to. Kimberly is the sun rising in the east, the lungs drawing breath, the self growing, changing against all odds. Kimberly is the eyes-open revelation that another day is setting off to the races, and you’re going to run to catch up, or else be left behind yet again.

Kimberly is pink rushing into the cheeks of the shamed, of the guilty, of the self-hating. Kimberly is the staredown in the mirror, the calculation of all those messy little pieces: who you were, who you are, who you might be, if you keep straining forward. Kimberly is the slow process of knitting back together, line by line, thread by thread, waiting for the day when you are whole once more.

Kimberly is pink like the agility of one who does not live for the fight, but has never been able to avoid it. Kimberly is expectation vs. desire, the rules of the game constantly twisting and rewriting inside her head. Kimberly is catch and release, swing and leap--off a cliffside, off the pyramid, off the popularity grid--and landing on her feet in poses she never expected her body to manage. 

Kimberly is pink because feminine is not weakness, because the cut of her hair or the words held like marbles in her mouth do not define her, because the world wants a woman to be pretty, and soft, and gentle, and these things do not come naturally to a warrior’s spirit.

Yellow

Trini did not think of herself as yellow for the longest time. It took months of reflection, months of campfires with the group: months of Zack taking her hand and swinging them both through the darkness, months of Jason squeezing her shoulder with reassuring strength, months of Billy’s faithful smile, months of Kimberly finding all of the threads she’s tried so desperately to hide and weaving them into something beautiful. And now...

Trini is yellow like the lamplight on a winter’s evening, cutting through shadows in some places, making shadows in others. Trini is the gleam of headlights on a winding road out of town, off the map, leading on to a new kind of home. Trini is the uneasy anticipation of change, of revolution, of something too new to name yet. 

Trini is yellow like the dandelions pushing up in a spring field, strong and wild and fiercely unwilling to be plucked. Trini is the awareness that one can be unexpected and untamed, maybe not the flower they asked for, but the one too stubborn to be crushed down. Trini is the natural earth beneath her own feet, telling her to push on, to leap, to run, to never let anyone tell her she’s not good enough to make the bouquet. 

Trini is yellow like the lightning sparking the sky, tearing it open, refashioning it into something without rules. Trini is dress-my-way, walk-my-way, talk-not-at-all, and learn to love yourself for it. Trini is flashfire punches and whole-body tackles, rock music slamming grunge drums straight down into her teeth, setting the soundtrack for victory. 

Trini is yellow because yellow was once the color of fear, of never quite allowing herself to inhabit her own skin, of never quite knowing how to be soft and normal and right. Yellow, the color of fear made into iron, the color of rage built from the ground up. Yellow, the color of light undiminished by the terrors of the night. 

Trini is yellow because yellow is the color of ownership now, of self-identification, of instinct. 

She wonders sometimes if she’d see them all this way, in brilliant rainbow shades, if things had been different. She thinks probably not. Which is weird.

Now that the colors wrap around them, seeping from their pores, enclosing them in armor, she can’t imagine anything else. 

[canonlawandrejected-blog]

❤️

My compulsive lies, heartless accusations, and the continued ways that people were treated by me have been more than horrific. Somehow, for whatever reason, I have lied, manipulated, accused, and destroyed so many people's lives. Lying became something that I always did without even thinking about. Hurting people, hurting families, breaking up marriages and consistently caring only of myself become who I was. For years now, I have sat and tried to remember who all I hurt, the men who I used for emotional whatever and the women/wives that I never thought about. My behavior towards others, men and women, is truly devastating for me to look at and accept. Relationships and marriage should be valued, honored and respected by others. Friendships should be cherished, deeply appreciated, and never taken for granted. People, no matter ethnicity, sexuality, old, young, rich, poor, deserve to be loved and cared about. People should never be used, made confused or lied to because those hurtful events or words may stay with them for a life time. The smallest choice or decision can shape the rest of your life or the life of so many others. I never EVER gave my heart, trust, commitment, loyalty or any real dedication to anyone . It is sickening to look in the mirror and know that I treated so many amazing people the way I did. It has broke and shattered me into a "ball of nothing." Living with guilt, shame, hatred for myself and my addictions have been worse than death. The guilt and shame that i deal with daily are beyond words. Knowing that people have been scarred and hurt by my sick, narcissistic behavior, is devastating! Every day is a complete struggle and it only gets worse and worse. While people get up each day, get ready for work/school and live their lives, I spend my days living in misery and complete depression. Depression is putting it lightly. Trying to remember who was in my path of my destruction has been almost impossible. The reason for this is because anyone who crossed my path probably got hurt in some way. That sounds almost dramatic but I feel that it is the truth. What does someone do who desperately wants to make things right but does not know how? Apologies are just words. They are designed to make things right and bring peace to those involved. Living has come like a standstill and guilt and shame consume my days and nights. What do you do when you can not find the right words or know who to make things right with? How can you find peace with yourself and with the Lord! My Godmother told me that if you seek confession that you need to go and walk away ready to forgive yourself. Time has gone by, I do not know how long anymore, and I have stayed away from the church and seeking forgiveness. After realizing my path of destruction, I have felt unworthy of forgiveness and love. Each day passes, wishes are fulfilled but not even close to what I really wanted. Somewhere I forgot that wishes are silly and prayers to God are what really matters. God knows what we need, who we are, what are destiny is, and leads us toward the path he created for us. It reminds me of a song by George Strait Unanswered Prayers. The lyrics say that we should thank God for Unanswered Prayers. As humans we wish for things, silly things without thinking, and those wishes can get all kinds of twisted and turned until it was not anything you ever dreamed of or wanted. When we pray to God, our Heavenly Father, he knows what is deep within our hearts. He listens to our prayers, listens to our unspoken words deep within us, and provides us with exactly what we need at that moment in our lives. People get angry at God and loose faith, hope, trust and forget that He knows what our path is supposed to be. As humans beings we want instant gratification, answers and clarification immediately. We try making our own paths and forget that God is the one in control. He is all powerful, all knowing, and the only one that knows what and who we really are. If their is evil in your heart, resentment, anger, hatred, shame, etc. God knows those things and knows of your real intentions. Walking down my path of humility has reminded me that God knows whether my true intentions were to hurt and destroy people. He knows if my intentions were evil or maybe God knew that my heart was not ready to receive the love every person should have in this life. So, i sit contemplating confession and asking if it is time for me to finally forgive myself and have God bring peace into my heart. Can I walk away knowing that I am truly forgiven and give myself back to the Lord? Deep within me, my struggle has not only been my sins but the sins that others carry within them. My guilt for hurting them caused me to want to take away their sins and I became consumed with things that were not mine. God has blessed me with the understanding that we can only be responsible for ourselves and pray each day for others. My life has become a daily prayer for people who have hurt me, because the best way to love others and seek forgiveness is to pray for others who you my not like very much. Praying for people who you may dislike has become my way of forgiving those people. After awhile they become important to you without even knowing it. God brings peace when we least expect it. Robert Frost is an amazing poet and his poem about two paths and the one we choose really gets to me. Do we take the path less traveled? Does it really make all the difference? Why are there only two paths in the world? Can't God send a helicopter to take me out of the woods because some of us get lost and loose any path at all. Today, I am grateful for God and trust in his will. God knows of my past, my intent, my shortcomings, my flaws and my desire to walk in his grace and mercy. Today, I am grateful that God gave me one more day to show me what his plan has been for me. Today, I am grateful for the love in my heart for the people who have shaped me into who I am today. Today, I am grateful for so many small things that are great gifts I have taken for granted. I am grateful for my plants, my vacuum cleaner, running water, the movie Forest Gump, the rain, breakfast, and many more things. I am grateful that today I have not drank alcohol and have the will and desire to stop smoking. Today, i am grateful for the next step in this journey and welcome Gods next step in my life. Sent from my iPhone

[catherinejimenez]

2016: ON THE TOP OF MY LIST

Last year, I’ve watched more than 10 Korean dramas and there’s this 4 particular dramas that really catches my heart.

Disclaimer: This blog post might contain spoilers so if you haven’t watched the dramas that I will be mentioning here, I hope you can forgive me :)

W-TWO WORLDS

Synopsis: W-Two worlds is a fantasy-romance about a man and a woman living in different worlds. Yeon Joo is a doctor living in the real world and her father is the author of the most popular webtoon, W. And Kang  Chul is the lead character of that webtoon. Things becomes complicated when Yeon Joo’s father decides to kill Kang Chul and Yeon Joo gets pulled into the comic world and met Kang Chul.

I was able to watch this drama because of a friend who keeps on telling me that there’s a drama that she’s really into. I wasn’t interested at first because I’m still not yet done with Game of Throne’s season 4. But after few weeks of convincing me, I started to watch the drama and the story began.

It wouldn’t be much to say that it was love at first episode for me with W. The first few episodes of the drama were good but a little dy. But after few more episodes I started to like W. It’s a great fantasy story, a lots of twist and turns. You can’t never be comfortable because you just never know what’s going to happen next. I love the whole concept of a character having to learn he’s from a work of fiction. It’s unbelievable and devastating for the person involved.

What I liked about W-Two Worlds?

Aside from the drama’s bold storytelling, the execution of the two worlds is really my favorite. A serious kudos to the whole production team,because they managed the transition of the two worlds so skillfully.

A cute OTP. Yeon Joo and Kang Chul is really cute together. They can turn the serious scenes into romantic one real quick. One of my favorite scene of them is during the time that Yeon Joo confessed her love to Kang Chul. Before, Yeon Joo randomly says those words to him but he’s not affected at all (It’s her way to go back to the real world). This time, it’s different,  he got swayed by Yeon Joos confession.

Overall, W-Two worlds was fun and crazy ride. With action packed fantasy story. It’s highly recommended if you’re a fan of those kind of genres.

MOONLIGHT DRAWN BY CLOUDS (LOVE IN THE MOONLIGHT)

I have to tell you this guys, I really really love this one. Seriously. This drama reminds me all over again why I fell in love with traditional dramas. It wasted no time in grabbing my heart and hold onto it really tight for the entire 18 episodes.

One of the things that comes to my mind when I think of MDBC, aside from Park Bo Gums sweetness, is that this drama is really well made. From the execution of scenes to the delivering of lines, everything.

Yeong (Park Bo Gum’s character) was my favorite among the cast of the show. Yeong’s character is full of charm and you couldn’t resist it I’m telling you. One of my favorite scene of him is during the confession and first kiss on Episode 7. The way Yeong approaches into confession and eventually to his first kiss scene to Ra On got me so kilig. Ugh. This boy makes my heart wobble, seriously. Another one is in Episode 14, when he comes face to face with Ra On in the secret meeting place. I won’t forget his “I will never forgive you” line before walking to Ra On and grabbed her in his arms. I never thought those words could be so romantic. I still haven’t moved on from that.

If there’s a leading man who’s really charming and handsome there should be a better half who has the same characteristics as him which really suits for Kim Yoo Jung. She’s one of the child actresses who’s really grown up so beautiful and talented. I can still remember her, portraying the role of young Yeon-O in Moon embracing the sun (which is my all time favorite drama). I really like Kim Yoo Jung as Ra On, she’s really natural. She’s funny without looking like she’s trying hard. Kim Yoo Jung consistently looks like she’s being herself.

The cast really suits the drama. Aside from the leads, Kwak Dong Yun really catches my attention. His cool but caring friend role is loveable (I’m so kinikilig while typing this one.) Special shout out to the Princess and Master Jung’s loveline. I also enjoyed their love story, even though it’s mostly played for comedy afterall, they are the reason why Ra On and Yeong met.

GOBLIN: THE LONELY & GREAT GOD

Goblin made me speechless and fall in love in less than a few minutes. As someone who watched many dramas and (I can say) can predict almost everything that’ll happen next, this drama made me laugh, cry & cringe when I didn’t expect I would.

Synopsis: Goblin is about a general way back in Goryeo, who got killed out of jealousy by the King. Because of his desperate wish for revenge, God gave him the chance to become goblin, a creature with immortal life and superpowers.

Goblin is really unpredictable. This drama made me cry, laugh out loud, cringe (Paulit ulit ako haha) and so much more. This drama caught me offguard. It’s so fun to watch and that’s not even all. It makes you think about so many things especially God, good and bad, death, your deeds, you past and so on. It’s really a drama for everyone. It has everything you could wish for: Romance, comedy, poetry, drama and so much more. There’s something about this drama that was really addicting.

Why I like Goblin a lot?

Aside from the unique pairing of Goblin and Eun Tak, the bromance between Goblin and Grim Reaper is really enjoyable. The way they annoy each other is such a riot. Lol One of my favorite funny moments of these two is when they are trying to learn how to use cellphone. Deok Hwa, a younger servant of Goblin, told them the basics on using phone. He said, they should go first to the appstore to download apps then suddenly Goblin started to wear his coat. I was laughing so hard during that scene.

Goblin and Eun Tak’s loveteam is a breath of fresh air. It’s an unusual pair because of the age difference but the chemistry of the two is really cute.They’re not the typical clingy couple but there’s something in them that will make you love them.

Grim Reaper and Sunny’s amazing lovestory. I really love the concept of their relationship. Grim reaper being innocent about impressing girls is so adorable. I think fellow KDrama fans will agree on me that they are another example of second lead syndrome. I seriously hoped that they could make another drama together.

 WEIGHTLIFTING FAIRY KIM BOK JOO

One word to begin with….. Sweeeeg!

Synopsis: Kim Bok Joo is a weightlifting athlete in a sports university. Her seemingly ordinary life becomes interrupted as she reunited with her elementary schoolmate, Joon Hyung who’s currently an athlete of the swimming team.

WLFKBJ possibly one of the underrated dramas last 2016. I love almost everything about this drama because it really shows the charm and trials of the youths. I seriously wish I could just fill this blog post with only heart emoticons. This drama makes my heart so full and I’m loving it so freaking much. WLFKBJ feels so raw, real and beautiful with more resemblance to life and less of fiction. From the moment I saw the preview online, I felt like this show would really fits my taste.

Here’s the main things that made this show works for me:

The people and stories feels real and relatable. While dramaland is full of shows with fantastical and unusual set-ups, this drama’s charm lies in just how ordinary it’s setting is and how ordinary its characters are.

Lee Sung Kyung as Kim Bok Joo. Oh my God I love her. At first I will admit that I found Bok Joo’s acting a bit exaggerated and her body movements so unnatural but once I accepted that Bok Joo really is a person who walks weird and who really couldn’t help crumpling her face into a pout on a regular basis, I grew to love her. I seriously can relate to Bok Joo, from dealing with self-image, to crushing on boys, to finding meaning in what she does. Maybe because Bok Joo is relatable, I often find myself in her.

Nam Joo Hyuk as Joon Hyung. I Honestly prays to God to have my own Joon Hyung. I just love how he cares so much for Bok Joo even before they become a couple. Which leads to my next favorite thing, Joon Hyung Sweetness. I love it. I love that Bok Joo doesn’t need to be anything or anyone other than herself, to inspire this kind of loyalty, affection and head-over-heels love from him. The two of them shared an amazing amount of chemistry in this show. The skinship feels so natural and easy, I feel like they’ve cuddled a lot before and I’m completely blown away. These two is consistently cute together.

The Friendship of Bok Joo, Seon Ok and Nan Hee.I love that no matter what came between them, they remain as good friends. I seriously can see my friends on them. (Shoutout to my squad. Love you. Ewww Haha) So endearing and yes, full of SWAG!

So far, WLFKBJ is my most loved drama. I don’t know when will I get over because it only sets another standard for me to look at on the coming dramas this year.

The Dramas that I’ve mentioned above is highly recommended I’m assuring you all you won’t regret watching them.Goodnight, Good Morning and SWEEEG!