#because im in too much fucking pain and physical discomfort every fucking day and i just don't feel like dealing with

[bkgexe]

if all else fails, i was myself

bakugou x reader ✾ 4.6k

info! no smut sorry gang ✾ tw! trust issues that manifest as issues w physical intimacy/contact, dubcon in its vaguest definition (NOT bkg & reader) ✾ notes! ive been in perpetual writers block for months. is this trite idk. i miss my baby but anytime i write for him im like oops this is gonna be 60k words!!! so here is. a drabble lmao. also big lmao moment this is titled after count me out by kendrick lamar ldskfjdlkjf which was on repeat while writing so uh sorry mr. lamar abt the mha fanfic

katsuki has always known that part of him is wrong.

he’s never liked being touched. every kiss he’s experienced has made him tense as an elevator cable poised to snap. any attempt to go further than that has made him a little ill, made his gut feel like a stack of loose papers being torn to shreds, slow and loud.

it doesn’t help that he’s only ever had three kisses in his life: eijirou at a new year’s party (too many teeth), eijirou again at another new year’s party nearly a decade later (too much tongue), and then his fourth date with kyoka (when he tried to convince himself he just had to push through the discomfort to become normal).

things went further than that. it was a mistake. they both knew it right after it happened—kyoka first, and then katsuki after his head stopped pounding with what if i'm doing this wrong what if she's pitying me for fucking this up what if i don't know how to touch another person correctly what if i was supposed to learn at some point and i missed it how could i fucking miss it will it always be like this because i can't do this again i can't i don't—

“kat," she said after. she looked at him with something only a few degrees removed from pity, and poorly removed at that.

he attempted a halting non-apology. he attempted a real apology. failed at both.

"it's okay, you know," she said. "to not like it."

he scoffed even though he wasn’t entirely clear on what she meant by it, because there was so much he didn’t like. “i like it just fine.”

“if that was liking it, I’m honestly worried about your capacity for enjoying life in general.” it wasn’t a joke. her bluntness was something that'd made katsuki think he could push his boundaries with her. all of her thoughts were laid out plain for him to read, an open-source journal. “i'm just saying you don't have to like it. and you don’t have to force yourself to do things you don’t want to do. don't fuck yourself over for someone else's happiness.”

kyoka still texts him often, checks in, invites him to drinks with their friends. she’s kind. she’s normal. she doesn’t have this weird, shredded thing inside her that makes her balk at the idea of someone’s hand on her skin. that makes her think she's doing something wrong, even if she's not the one that initiated the touch.

when you started your job at the front desk of katsuki’s agency, he never thought that he'd be here, wishing above everything that he could just be normal. just for one fucking day, so he could laugh at your shitty jokes and maybe brush his knuckles across the back of your hand in passing and take you on a date where he could kiss you in his car after driving you home and the thought wouldn’t make his skin crawl, wouldn't tear up his insides to pulp.

because he fucked everything up. he's standing in his empty office where you'd been spending time with him and he fucked it up and hurt you and he's not sure how to unfuck it.

the thing is, he could grin and bear it. he could deal with the odd thing inside him that hates the contact and white-knuckle it through every kiss, every caress. but he’s never been a great actor. he wouldn’t be able to hide that from you.

(kyoka told him, years later, that it’s not that the sex itself wasn’t fine—what made it nearly unbearable for her was the fact that she could tell, only after it was too late, that being physically vulnerable with her pained him far more than he was willing to reveal.)

no one wants to feel like the person they’re with is grinning and bearing it. that they’re white-knuckling it through. katsuki knows this. he knows he’s basically a fucking virgin all but in title at thirty and that he’s got the personality of a dried-out fig you find in your fridge weeks after its last edible moments. he doesn't have much to offer.

but he walked into work one day and nodded at you, curt, a grimace on his face—and you smiled at him so kindly that his stomach twisted.

with you, it wasn't the feeling of something being torn apart. it was different, lighter. leaves wrenched into the sky by a strong breeze. still a kind of tearing, but different—less destructive.

he was wearing a deep carmine sweater his mom sent him in one of her bi-monthly care packages (as if he’s not an adult, and a pro-hero on top of that), and you said, “that’s such a nice color on you. is it new?”

there was that breeze inside his chest, strong, pulling at his bones. “yeah,” he grunted. then slowly, as if remembering how: “thanks.”

it was the attention, he thought at first, that piqued his interest. he wasn't used to it. people always watched him from afar, and he had fans online that were borderline obsessive, but people didn’t approach him. they didn’t say that’s such a nice color on you. they didn’t smile the way you smile.

he’s always had a shallow streak. it’s not like he doesn’t know this. it’s become a little muted over time, a little discouraged by the visible scarring on his face and body from his time in the field, but it’s never fully been eradicated. so it was simple, he thought. you paid him attention and stroked his ego, and he preened like a self-obsessed bird of paradise.

and then you started making these little origami whale sharks.

fucking stupid. it bothered him an annoying amount. you had a bunch at your desk, all different colors and sizes, some taped to your desktop monitor, some hung up with little pieces of string under the desk's storage overhang. you drew dots on the back of each one, a distinct spotted pattern that was unique for each shark. and you made them for everyone but him. eijirou bought you a pack of high quality origami paper and you made him his own fucking school, all with little faces, winking or surprised or angry, their wide paper mouths gaping and empty, the lines of their bodies pressed careful and sure.

he hated it. it was annoying and a waste of company time and he usually didn’t ever use dumb corporate slogans like “a waste of company time” but you were really pushing his fucking limits.

it was definitely just the attention he liked, he told himself, because surely someone doing something as dumb as this would annoy him to no fucking end if he spoke to them.

and then he spoke to you and he was wrong.

he asked why you made the damn things in the first place and you told him, “i like whale sharks. but to be totally honest, i just run out of things to do."

and he saw that as a challenge. you were running out of things to do? rest assured he could find more shit for you to take care of. so he did. tasks that he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy, they were so dull and time-consuming. and you were so achingly competent that it drove him up a fucking wall. you completed everything he asked of you in half the time it would take someone else, and you always reported back with a smile, and you always did good work, and he could see himself having a conversation with you about something other than work but he didn't want to try because he was worried he'd begin to like you as a person.

you're pretty. really fucking pretty. he can see that now, and he sure as fuck saw it then. you're hardworking. you're just likeable, and that's something katsuki had never been. it (reluctantly) impressed him. worse than that, it turned his feelings for you into a sort of interest.

but he knows he's not normal when it comes to things like this.

he tried to distance himself from you because of it, but it turns out that asking someone to do work for you means you do have to speak to them sometimes. and sometimes turned into a lot of times.

sometimes turned into bringing him coffee in the morning, not because he asked you to, but because you're sweet like that. sometimes turned into being the person he bounced ideas off of when he had a board meeting coming up or something otherwise boring and meticulous. sometimes turned into you laughing at his prickly comments rather than going quiet because of them. turned into you saying suck it up, dynamight, this is what it means to be the boss when he complained about doing paperwork.

sometimes turned into staying late with him at the office, getting take out for the two of you to share while you finished filing claims and damage reports and other stuff he hated taking care of by himself. sometimes turned into him asking you to stay late just because he wanted you there. because even when he was quiet, you'd tell him about your day, about things that happened in the office, about how much you like the book you'd both been reading. he loved listening to you talk. felt comfortable enough to tell you things about himself when he'd never felt comfortable doing that before.

sometimes turned into you holding out a piece of fried tofu from your take-out container for him to eat while he was approving time-off forms that he should have looked at much earlier that week, and you being so close that he could notice how good you smelled, and the warmth of your body basically radiated towards him, like all your energy was focused on him, and your smile was small but somehow even more lovely than usual, a secret for him to tuck away and keep, and when you finished feeding him and he had a little sauce on the corner of his mouth and you reached forward to wipe it off for him and your hand lingered there for a moment and your eyes fell to his lips and what if you try to kiss me and i'm wrong and you hate me for it and what if i can't give you what you want and what if i'm not actually what you want what if i've disappointed you already what if—

it was too much.

so he fucked it up. your thumb was so soft against his skin. he reeled backwards in his chair, rolling it whole feet clear of you, and he felt the tearing again, the bad kind, like paper unevenly shredded by clumsy hands, and he had to leave. he had to leave. he needed to leave so badly that it felt like pulling his skin off would be preferable to being in that office with you.

hiding in the bathroom was fucking pitiful. he remembered his breathing exercises. he remembered to ground himself. and when he came back to his office, you were gone.

if he was normal—and he wants to be normal, god fucking damn—he could have stomached your proximity. he could have eaten out of your fucking hand. he could have touched you back like a normal person probably would have and he wouldn't be here, alone, looking at a little purple sticky note you left him that says i finished organizing the pto forms. i hope you feel better!

he doesn't know whose pride you're trying to save with that. as if you didn't leave because he made things so fucking awkward by running away from you when you touched him. when you—maybe, if he was reading the room correctly—were about to kiss him.

and you don't speak to him for days. he doesn't want to push so he doesn't—just watches you out of the corner of his eye whenever you're both in the same room, which is arguably worse. he's not sure. he's just itching to fucking talk to you because he misses it.

he misses you. in a more-than-friends way.

it takes a while for him to realize this. when he does, it hits him like a metal rod up the side of the head. it's fucked up of him to miss you the way he does when he doesn't feel like he can provide you with the things a normal person could. and though he's worked on his patience over the years—worked on understanding that he can't have everything he wants—it doesn't stop him from being selfish and finally pulling you aside to talk.

and baffling as fucking ever, the first thing you say is sorry. "i know i should've talked to you about it earlier. i just—i shouldn't have done that. and i know it. i shouldn't have assumed that—i don't know. that you..."

you look helpless. it's one of the very few times that katsuki has ever felt the compulsion to touch someone. not because he wants the touch, per se, but because he wants to be able to provide comfort. he never figured out how to do that with words. he's so focused on his inability to comfort you that he barely has any idea of what you're actually talking about. instead of doing anything at all, he just stands there like a fuckwad.

"i just want you to know that i would never—like never—have touched you, or tried to... if i didn't think there was like, a vibe?" you shake your head, exasperated with yourself. "god, even that sounds so bad. i'm sorry, i just—"

"wait, what are—?" and then it clicks, because he's been slow on the uptake figuring out his shit when he should have been focusing way more on yours. "there was..." katsuki says, and he fucking hates that he can't find better words for what you were both feeling in his office, "a vibe."

the way your face changes when you're flustered is one of katsuki's favorite things, but it's not as enjoyable when he feels just as flustered as you look. "i—oh? so... so you—?"

his ears feel like they're being attacked by two heated straightening irons and he knows they're red as hell right now. he's gonna have to say this plainly even though he'd rather get his teeth pulled out one by one with a pair of pliers. "it's not you."

your expression loses any sort of hope it once held. you press your lips together and sigh, maybe a little exasperated. he's doing his best here but he knows his best is shit. "i can handle a non-cliché rejection," you tell him. "honestly, i'd prefer a non-cliché rejection—"

"i'm not trying to reject you," he says, and it's selfish of him. because he's really not. he isn't comfortable with the things you'd want from him, but he still wants you in some capacity. "i just don't—do shit like that."

"kissing?"

somehow knowing for sure that you did want to kiss him in his office makes him want you more. he likes that you're bold. he likes that you're not ashamed of that. he wants to be different than he is. "any... of it," he struggles to admit.

"at all?"

he nods.

"just—like touching, and stuff?"

it sounds so juvenile that he can't help but laugh through his nose, roll his eyes. "yeah. touching and stuff."

"oh."

you're disappointed. of course you are. it's not like he expected anything different, but—sometimes he fucking hates his life. hates that he can't be the thing people need him to be. hates that trying is so difficult, that it flings his stomach into space, like a throwing stone skipping across a still lake.

"so you don't go on dates, or anything."

"haven't tried."

"do you not want to?" you ask, and he can tell it's more of a genuine question than anything. you're curious about him, like you always are. it's more than he deserves, for all he can offer.

"doesn't make sense to."

"that's not what i asked."

it's not. and so katsuki listens as you ask your question again, and he really takes a moment to think.

considering the answer to your question leads him to his first date with you. and his second, and his third—his fourth, and he's keenly aware that his last fourth date ended with what he expects all dates are supposed to end with.

he takes you to the aquarium. because of all the fucking origami whale sharks. you still haven't given him one and it sticks in his craw like a bone. in front of the backlit tank that holds sharks of all types, shapes and sizes and teeth he's never pictured possible of a living creature before, he asks, "why sharks?"

you look at him, brow raised. "i don't know. they probably needed the biggest tank in the aquarium. and this looks like the biggest tank."

"no, dumbass—your sharks. the ones all over the fuckin' office."

"what, you don't like them?" you ask, but you're smiling, sly.

he shrugs. he thinks they're dumb as hell. he wants one to hang up at work, like the ones you've got hung up at your desk. "they're whatever. they clutter the fuck out of ei's office. and he's already got issues organizing." you've just made eijirou so many at his point, and it's getting ridiculous. "but what—are they easy to make, or something?"

you laugh a little. "no. not at all, actually." a whale shark swims by, its spotted hide shimmering in the tank's eerie blue lighting, and you watch it intently. "but it'd be boring if it was too easy."

this date ends with him walking you home from the aquarium a few blocks from your apartment and you smiling at him and telling him that you had a really great time, and he feels like a fucking freak because you don't even expect more. you don't wait for a kiss. don't look disappointed that he doesn't try to give you one. the way you look at him holds so much affection that he doesn't deserve and he has no idea how to reciprocate it to you, and somehow he lands on, "make me one."

"one what?" you ask, but he thinks you already know what he's asking. you like to play coy. he likes it when you play coy. when you're enjoying yourself.

"one of your little fuckin' paper things," he mutters, because admitting that he wants one of those dumbass sharks feels somehow demeaning. he doesn't want you to know how much he's wanted one. "ei's got a million of 'em."

your hand was on your door handle, but it falls to your side. he's keenly aware of its proximity to him. he doesn't feel that terrible ripping in his gut and its absence is almost frightening to him. your fingers tighten into a fist. it's cold out. "ah, and you're jealous?"

"no," he says, knee-jerk. "i just don't get why everyone gets one but me."

you smile when he says this and he could live in this image of you, delicate and small and made for him. he goes home and thinks about it until he falls asleep. thinks about it even beyond then, feels that strong breeze inside him tearing every leaf from its grounded perch.

here's the thing—nothing against jirou, but unlike his other fourth date, this one was enjoyable. more than. he loved watching you be amazed by the size of the whale sharks, and he loved watching you put a bunch of coins into the penny press and cranking the machine until one was squeezed out into the pattern you wanted, and he loved watching you lay your hand against the glass where the rubbery wings of a flood of stingrays battled for your attention, and—

he loved watching you. that's weird, right? he sounds like a fucking lunatic thinking that.

but he does. he hadn't realized until now how difficult it had been not only to touch people, but to look at them. maintaining eye contact, watching someone do a simple task out of interest instead of staring them down in an attempt to intimidate them. he's so much more fucked up than he thought but what makes it bearable is that he can do it with you. he can watch the way you enjoy things and feel like he's not intruding on something he shouldn't. without even trying, you make him feel welcome—wanted.

that's it. you make him feel wanted.

the realization affects him in a way he doesn't understand. at work the next day, when you smile at him over the top of the front desk, he feels something incredibly strong—something like instinct—that tells him to touch you. small. a thumb brushed across your cheek. his fingers grazing yours. he wants it in a way that can't be right because he's never wanted to touch someone like this.

he doesn't do it, but he thinks about it all day. your little smiles when you notice him watching you on your dates, the way your fingers graze your lips when you cover your laugh, the softness in the way you regard him. you're quiet, reserved, but when you laugh you laugh hard. he wants your soft, your quiet and your loud, he wants the feeling of your fingers on his lips, he wants your smallest smiles, all things he wishes he could fold up and keep and later display somewhere he can always see them. a school of paper fish, gaping mouths and drawn-on spots and such carefully pressed lines.

so on the eleventh date—(he knows it's ridiculous to count, but he's never spent this much time with one person before, not like this)—he reaches for your hand when you're walking alongside the bay, the air turning cold in the wake of the sunset that the two of you had just witnessed. that's romantic, you'd teased when he asked you to watch it with him. he'd rolled his eyes, shrugged you off.

but maybe he wanted it to be romantic. maybe he wanted to make this as normal as possible for you because nothing has been normal between the two of you so far.

you pull back when he reaches for you, as if on instinct. look up at him, confused, when he reaches out again. "katsuki..." you say, and it sounds as if he's done something wrong.

he tries not to let his brain spiral but thoughts drip inwards. water meeting a dented hull. what has he done this time? what else has he fucked up by being fundamentally wrong?

"you know..." you start, and you lose your words.

he thinks of kyoka, years ago. it's okay, you know. to not like it. he wonders if you'll still text him like she does.

your lips pull into a frown before you speak and katsuki can't breathe. "i was never gonna ask on my own because i know you don't like talking about things like this if you don't bring it up. but—um. katsuki—do you think i expect something from you?"

"huh?" he asks, dumb. breathing is still something he fails to do.

"i know that this is—different. i know you have some things going on that make the physical part hard for you." you look up at him so earnestly, and he loves looking at you. he loves looking at you and doesn't want to have to stop and he's worried that this is it. the moment he'll have to stop. you try to smile and it's small and he wants it all for himself. careful. delicate. secret, for him. "i'm not gonna lie to you. i don't know what a relationship without that kind of stuff looks like. but that doesn't mean i'm not willing to find out. it's—i don't need you to try to do something you think i want you to do."

"i'm not."

"it makes me feel a little sick, kat. honestly. it makes me feel like, i don't know—like i'm taking advantage of you, or something—"

"you're not."

"you don't have to do things like that to keep me around." you look flustered, eyes darting from his face to the skyline. "if you want me, i'm—you know."

it's okay, you know. "i don't know."

"i'm yours," you say, and cringe immediately at your words. "or like—i could be, you know, kind of whatever you wanted, if you—if that's what you want. would want."

katsuki can only remember a few times when his head was this quiet in the presence of someone else. when he trusted someone enough to let his mind go blank, to let himself act on instinct. "can i kiss you?"

you sigh. "this is what i was saying. i don't want you to—"

"no," he says, quiet, and he's closer to you than he's ever been. he likes the way you smell. he's not gonna apologize if that's weird. "i just want—god, i feel pathetic asking again. can i just—?"

just, just, just. just a touch, just a kiss, just a moment of your fucking time—it's all he wants. and he's never wanted like this. he's never trusted like this. his head has never quieted entirely because he's so sure that he's not going to disappoint you, or be something you don't actually want, or be wrong.

you've shown him that he can't be wrong with you, regardless of whether or not something within him is broken.

your lips are warm, a little chapped from the dry air, and he tries to remember what kissing chastely is but it's like something breaks in him further the second the two of you touch. his hands are cradling your face, his tongue is gliding against your tongue, his teeth are clacking against your teeth, and he knows the kiss is bad and wrong and messy but he suddenly needs it. he needs to feel you.

you make a noise against him and worry slices into his stomach before he realizes it's a quiet, breathy moan, and maybe you've been okay without the touch but that doesn't mean you don't enjoy it when you receive it. he can tell he hasn't made his boundaries clear enough—your hands circle his wrists, too cautious to go further, too hesitant to grip him like he thinks you want to. like he wants you to want to.

his teeth hit yours again and you laugh, and he pulls back, stomach tight. there's a hope in him that's ready to be torn.

you see it in his face—the fear. "i love kissing you," you blurt out, as if it's the only reassurance you can think of in the moment. "i mean—you're just." you laugh again, and he realizes it's nerves. you're just as nervous as he is. "can i—can we go somewhere warm? and maybe do this more? or—if this was enough—"

he's pulling you towards his apartment before you can get another word out.

kissing you is easy because you make him feel like it's relatively new for you as well. maybe that's how it feels for everyone every time, but he wouldn't know. he just feels comfortable with you. like you're not so much better than him, like you're not waiting to laugh at him when he fucks up, like you're touching him because you really want to.

so he takes you to his apartment and puts you on his couch and kisses you until your back is against the armrest and he's looming over you and you feel comfortable enough that your hands stray from his wrists to his shoulders to his hair and he didn't even know touching someone could feel like this.

put aside the fact that he's nearly finished in his fucking jeans three times just from your fingers running across his back, from the way you cup his cheek when he pulls back for air because he keeps forgetting to breathe—just having you close is intoxicating. he wants to bury his face in the curve of your shoulder, he wants to bite marks into your skin that'll stay vibrant for weeks, he wants to etch himself into you so deeply that he doesn't have to leave. these wants aren't even sexual—it's something about having you be his. i'm yours, you'd told him, and he hadn't even known that it would be exactly what he needed to hear.

he's in love with you, which isn't shocking to him, but he knows he shouldn't be in love with you yet because people that aren't fucked up in the head don't feel shit like this so quickly. he's not gonna tell you this for a very long time, but he knows—so completely and confidently—that he will reach a point when he can tell you.

"you sure you want this?" he asks, breathy, between kisses.

you stop kissing him, brows raised in surprise. "katsuki, we don't... this is a lot for one night. we can take it slow, still."

"that's—i'm not talking about that." he gives in, then—lets himself bury his face in the crook of your neck, lets himself breathe in deep, lets himself find your hands and intertwine your fingers, and you can probably feel that he's hard as fucking metal for you but that's not what's important right now. it sure as hell makes it awkward to try to have a serious conversation, though. "you sure you wanna deal with all... you know. my stuff."

"are you sure you wanna deal with all of my stuff?" you counter, and he pulls back to look at you. kissed rotten and smiling. "of course i want to deal with it. i like you."

and he likes you too. god, he likes you so fucking much.

the next morning, long after you've left for home, he finds a little orange whale shark hidden behind the alarm clock on his bedside table, stars in the place of eyes, and the trace of you is enough to make him feel warm. to hope that over time his apartment becomes full of the little paper creatures until his home is its own aquarium, until everywhere he looks is a memory of all you've brought him—pieces of you, perfectly arranged and delicately folded by your careful hands, much too gentle to tear.

[therewithinthestars]

.

[effectivelyweird]

The NHS is hell (gynaecology edition)

Six weeks ago I had a pelvic prolapse of some sort. This caused varying levels of pain and discomfort. I havent been able to walk anywhere, or stand for more than a few minutes before experiencing pain. At the end of the worst days I have to push my insides back in.

I obviously went straight to my GP who was unable to examine me because it hurt too much to even get a finger in. At that point I basically didnt have a vagina, it was collapsed and squished, of course it was going to be tough to get a feel. GP referred me to gynaecology to get an ultrasound.

SIX WEEKS LATER I finally have an appointment. I get in (partner in tow for support) and am immediately asked:

Doctor: "Why are you here?"

Like??? Didnt you read the referral? MEe: "I've had a prolapse" Doctor: "How many children?" Me: "None" Doctor: Pauses and looks confused

Now, whilst it is far more common for people who've given birth to have a prolapse, it absolutely is not the only thing to cause one. I fall into basically every other risk category, it is NOT a surprise that this has happened.

Then I was asked to give my entire medical history and all the meds Im currently taking.

Like?????? WHY dont you already have that information???? I've waited six weeks in on and off agony, unable to leave the flat, holding out for this appointment, and now I have to spend the first half of it giving you information you should already have.

We move on to a physical examination. I explain that despite taking a pill to stop my periods, surprise! Im having a period. I have brought stuff to get me sorted and cleaned up (I use a cup, cant really be examined with that in) and explain Im happy to go get sorted so we can do this.

Doctor makes a rude comment like "If you'll let us examine you" like I didnt just make it clear I was happy to be examined. So now Im wondering wtf did that referral say? My GP hadnt been able to examine me because of intense pain when she tried, not because I didnt let her.

So I get myself sorted and lying on the examination bed. Im already very uncomfortable with being poked about down there for multiple reasons but I always suck it up because they're medical professionals and are here to help. For extra context, I have a skin disorder down there which means I tear very easily, things have narrowed or disappeared entirely, basically you have to handle me with care. I havent had sex in nearly six years due to discomfort both in and out.

Doc comes over, lubes up and dives straight in. If I hadnt just pulled my cup out of me, this in itself would have caused great pain. She then moves around wildly to get a good feel, hitting a tender spot and making me yelp.

"Oh, did that hurt?" she says, clearly surprised.

"Uh, yeah??" I say incredulously. Of course it fucking hurt. I have something out of place in that area and you just tried to scramble my eggs.

Doc abandons her examination and goes back to her computer. I am not given anything to wipe myself down with so Im left with a mass of lube and fluids for my pants to just deal with I guess.

I was then told I was being passed on to the womens hospital who will "make sure youre doing your kegel exercises properly" "I havent been given any kegel exercises though?"

Doctor looks surprised and slides a hand written note over to me. It has a website name for me to look up and learn from there.

Then it was over.

Without telling me ANY information about what was happening with my body. So did I have a prolapse? Did I not? Did she feel everything was fine? Did she feel something wrong?

I DONT KNOW

Im exactly as clueless as I was before I went in there, and now a little traumatised from the experience.

I waited six weeks, unable to live my life in that time, only to spend £20 I dont have to go to an appointment I didnt need. I was referred to get an ultrasound from gynaecology and instead I got an aggressive examination and then palmed off to the next clinic without a care in the world. I clearly stated when I went in that I am autistic and have ADHD but even if I wasnt I think I would have still been shook from her (lack of) bedside manners. I still dont know whats happening to my body. I still dont know what I should be doing, or not doing, to help this issue.

All I know is that I didnt get what I was referred for and now I cant pay my bills.

And I still have to stuff my insides back in on a bad day.

[commoncorps3]

lol im not sure my mental and physical health has ever been this bad.

im kinda suicidal again instead of just being numb, empty, and having depersonalization/derealization but I don’t even know who to tell. my friends are probably getting overwhelmed with me/tired of me doing so bad all the time. it’s gotta be a real bummer. can’t tell my family bc they freak out or the complete opposite just tell me it’s gonna be ok. my girlfriend has DID and hasn’t fronted in several days because she’s been having a hard time mentally and physically so one of her alters (who I am not dating) has been in control. this alter doesn’t really talk to me nearly as much as my gf usually does so my bpd (and general shit mental health atm) is having a fucking field day with that. i miss her a lot. Unrelated to her but I don’t sleep or eat enough. my house is disgusting and I can’t get myself to clean it. the stupid lexapro my psych made me try gave me so many fucking side effects and I stopped taking it days ago and I’m still having the worst fucking time. i have so many bruises and scabs from how bad my skin picking has gotten from the medicine. my jaw hurts so bad bc the med made me start clenching it/gritting my teeth all the time now. my teeth feel so weak and sensitive like I’m scared they’re gonna fucking break into pieces when I eat. my acne got worse too but idk if that’s bc of the medicine or bc my hormones are crazy OR bc I’ve been on my period for basically two months at this point. i have sores on my tongue that are painful and overstimulating just to feel and i want to bite them off or something. my wisdom teeth are hurting too. im so tired. I have no excitement. im just detached from life. I’m not enjoying anything. people’s concern for me is not even fucking hitting me like it should be. I’ll be like “I want to kms” and they’ll be like “holy shit I’m worried about you i love you don’t die” and I’m just like “🤷”. it’s very frustrating. everyday feels like a shitty dream. but i never wake up. ive barely even been listening to music. which is fucking wild for me. I just listen to YouTube at work. and it’s mostly like videos on disturbing/scary shit lately. like shit I’ve barely even touched before the last few weeks. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so interested in really fucked up stuff but nothing else hits the same. I guess I subconsciously just wanna feel something. so fear and discomfort is my go-to. I’m always in pain. I have the desire to abuse drugs or drink or SOMETHING to make myself feel better. but I still really don’t even do that. oh yeah and I relapsed twice this week. once wasn’t that bad but the second time was pretty fucking rough. it’s even worse bc I literally broke apart someone’s fucking shaving razor at my friend’s house and used one of the blades. then had to wake my friend up bc the cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. I need serious help. I don’t want to be hospitalized though. I did that earlier this year and it was a complete waste of time. I wish I could just die. I’m so tired of pushing through this hell. And I can’t help but think “well i guess it could be worse” which is true but also every time I think that something else happens. I want out. Please. I wish I had the fucking balls to kill myself like ive wanted to for the past like 12 years. No one can help me. I can’t even help me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I take the medicine. I go to therapy. I reach out to loved ones for help. I try to live my life. But it’s not fucking working. I’m so miserable.

[penandwind]

I don’t have the courage to face the world anymore.

So recently I matched with someone on a dating app. And it threw me at first because how fast she was moving and pushing for. I’m so used to having to constantly prove myself and vie for someone else’s attention that it was strange having someone pursue me. Not unwelcome, just different from what I’m used to. But she was coming on strong and seemed really really into me, which part of me though was a  bit of a red flag, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and we went on a date.

And I thought it went pretty well.She looked noticably different than her pictures, not enough to say I’d been catfished but it was noticiable. Despite that, things went pretty good. Conversation was flowing, my stomach was a little upset from outside reasons but it didn’t hamper things much. I had a fun time, and she said she did too. After I found myself conflicted, I wasn’t sure what to do, if I should see her again. Her really forward interest in me threw me for a loop, but I wasn’t sure if that was genuine discomfort on my end, or my own dumb psychological baggage/hangups that I needed to power through. But with the wise counsul of a friend, I decided to give her another shot and see because she seemed genuinely nice and into me.

And I tried to, only to find she ghosted me.

To say it was a blow to the self esteem and ego is an understatement. There is something so abhorrently absurd of the situaiton. Someone I’m worried about that seems to into me immediately loses all interest in me as soon as she meets me. Were ghosting me and endless romantic woes not the norm, I could see myself laughing at it all. Instead, I find myself collapsing deep into myself.

I’ve been trying to “go out” more and make new friends and try to meet people moreso lately. That was what I had planned for this weekend. Instead, I found myself too scared at the prospect of even going out into the world, and instead sat staring at my screen, desperatelly trying to not think of how pathetic I am.

One of the things I struggle with mentally, is the idea I’m not “good enough” at anything, and I’m not good enough to take part in anythign in the world. Because a lot of times, it seems like the world doesn’t want me in it. At a cosmic level it certainly seems like fate is doing its best to drive me back into my cold, dank cave. It take a lot of courage, a (comparatively) lot of audacity to think myself important enough to insert myself in someone’s life, to distub them with my mere presence. Ive tried and failed so many times, and each failure is a little bit more weight to the stone in this sysiphean endeavor.

And gods help me I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I’ve tried so much trying to figure myself out. I’ve worked out so much of my shit in therapy, I’ve been trying to learn better communication skills, I’ve tried so much. Im even undergoing painful, and expensive surgery to try and curtail some of the symptoms of my disability just so I can exercise and get in better shape. Because lets face it, if I was 30% prettier I wouldn’t be having this problem. I’d be a fucking shy tortured artist type or whatever people say.

Of course I’m not innocent in the “pretty” bullshit either. I fucking hate how there are people out there who are perfectly compatible for me personality wise. But, because I’m not attracted to them in a physical way its a no sale. My therapist says its ok to be attracted to certain people and there’s not a way to change that. But its bullshit and stupid that it limits me in such a way.

I read a long time ago LSD permanently alter’s one’s neural pathways, they think differently after even just one dose. And thats what I need. I need enough LSD to MK ULTRA myself into a completely different person. Because every day it becomes just a little more certain that no one can romantically love “me.”

[spikesbimbo]

Soft sex pt.1   pt.2

-MSBY

Tags: cuddle fucking,cockwarming, morning sex, big dick!meian, bath sex, makeup sex, praise kink, hurt/comfort, pussy job

a/n: vanilla is not something to be ashamed of, its way more common than you think, you don't need to be doing kamasutra every night to keep the spark. none of that daddy shit in this. Srry : /

i also don't proofread, i h8 reading works right after i finish them, so let me know if anything's wrong.

NO KINKY FREAKY ASS SHIT 

**ONLY SOFT SEX BEYOND THIS POINT**

18+ Minors DNI

-Hinata

….Morning... sex. mmhmm

He could usually control his morning wood

But after being gone for so many days, finally coming home to see you, it was impossible

You woke up after you heard a few groans, feeling him rut into your back, turning over to see his face flushed and cheeks red, whether it be from getting caught or his activities 

So you decide to help him as a good s/o should

But you're also tired… 

So you just pull your pants off and tell him to go at it, not too rough because you had to work in the afternoon.

-

“Baby, you okay?” you faintly asked, turning around, eyes trying to open after hearing him make some noises. You hated when people disturbed your sleep, which you oh so loved, but your boyfriend was an exception, sometimes.

But what you didn't expect when you opened your eyes was catching him, red faced, with his hand in his boxers trying to make it stop. Looking like he was in a lot of pain, so your quick mind got on it, not wanting to see his face in any more discomfort.

“Here” you said, shuffling your back into him while pulling down your panties, setting your ass on his bulge, grinding a little to get him to hurry up. Knowing this was the only way you could take care of him.

“You sure?” he asked already putting his cock into you being needy as ever, which indeed you thought was cute in way but him stretching you out made you respond by pushing yourself even more against him, bottoming out which both of you let out some moans and curses, softly saying them as he wrapped his arms around your torso, giving you a minute before he started moving.

“S-shoyo”  you quietly gasped, holding onto the pillow as he pushed himself into you trying to close your eyes and relax, slowly but restlessly, getting deeper in you with every thrust. Leaning back into him his arm now moving around your chest, angling himself to where it felt good. 

His thrusts felt agonizingly slow, teasing almost, as he shoved his face into your shoulder, groaning how good you felt. “fuck, baby m’gonna cum.” he whined out. The pressure in his hips getting stronger with you clenching around him.

‘s’okay, hurry up and cum baby” you cooed, feeling him grow in you, wanting him to feel good, moving your hips back to catch his. “fuck-k” he finished, the warmness spreading into you, some dripping out onto your legs, slipping on the bed.

“You good now?” you giggled after some time, him finally sporting a smile instead of a frown. “thank you...” he shyly muttered out, turning you around to face him, wanting to see your pretty face.

“Can u wake me up at 3?” you asked, giving yourself another hour to get clean. Already being put back because you had to come in earlier today.

“Yeah cutie.” he said, putting it on his phone, you too worn out to do anything but stay still, now facing him while he snuggled into your chest, his head right under yours, finally getting the rest you deserved.

-Atsumu

You were a sensitive little thing, loving how rough and needy he got with you.

But sometimes you needed a break, it hurting too much leaving you sore.

But you're also a fiend for him okay?

who wouldn't be?

Jumping on him every hour of the day.

So you go and straight up, atleast try to, tell him that you want him to be easier with you.

But you were also embarrassed of it, being so needy for him, also not wanting his ego to get any higher than it was,  due to you basically you telling him you needed him everyday.

And he's like ok!! on it (¬‿¬)

-

“What wrong pretty girl, hmmm?” he asked, pulling your waist closer to him, dragging his hand on your upper thigh, fingers finding the outline of you panties under that skirt you were wearing. Him wondering why you looked so distraught just walking up to him.

“Tsumie” you said ignoring his question, bringing up your own, trying your best to get it out only for it to get caught in your throat.

“Hmm?” he responded turning all his attention on you, his gaze making you even more nervous.

“I- um... was just wondering if you could- ya know....bealittlemoregentlenexttime?” you said, muttering the last part out, hoping he understood and wouldn't inquire any further. 

He paused for a minute, taking in what you just said, glad that you were comfortable enough to express your thoughts around him, pulling you closer until his face was to your chest, looking up at you with his eyes glistening due to the reflection of the lamp in them. “Right now princess?” he smirked much softer than he usually did.

“Here baby. You're gonna come with me, and i'm gonna take good care of you...real good care of you.” he said, playful traces underlying his words, getting up from his chair while picking you up with him, hands under your thighs already causing a problem. Yes you loved dom, rough atsumu but when he was sweet and gentle, that was a whole nother story, as you could prove right now.

He gently laid you on the bed, taking all your clothes off, kissing all over you until you were wet enough, before attempting to “test” you with his fingers. To which you whined in protest, wanting him in you right now, wanting to feel his warmth inside and out of you.

He positioned himself on top of you, listening to whatever you wanted, fully settling himself inside after sometime, giving you time to adjust to him. He started moving his hips back and forth, his view of you beneath him being picture perfect, as you could say them the same before leaning down into you, muttering words of praise and affection in your ears. The only sound you responded with was moans and cries, but the look in your eyes, the look of want and need, the baseline for love, told him what he wanted to hear, but it wasn't enough.

“Thank you for putting up with me, you know i love you, huh? tell me baby.” he said not rushing you wanting you to feel at ease with him “Tell me you know i love you” he finished, desperate undertones in his words, looking at you with those big sweet eyes.

“I-i know you... love- me.” you choked out, his soft thrusts still hitting you deep, knocking on your cervix, but it felt so good; being in eachothers arms,  hitting all the right spots, his breath in your face entangling with yours, feeling more connected than ever. Before you knew it the two of you had finished more than once, now resting in eachothers arms, a 

“You feel good baby? He asked, an airy smile plastered on his face, you trying to do the same moving closer to him so he could hear you, arms still wrapped around each other.

“yeah.”

 -Kiyoomi

You loved him so much, even when he was a meanie

And he did the same, internally grateful that he was lucky enough to get someone as sweet as you.

Which is why he was making up for the argument he started earlier today.

Not meaning anything he said, just stressed and taking it out on you : ( not knowing how to apologize with words.

So he does what he knows you love, but you never ask him bc you don't want to bother him. 

You loved him touching you and vice versa, but you respected his wishes and only did it when you two were alone, even holding back in private too, not wanting to bother him.

So he gives you want you want, a physical form of an apology, another way to express his feelings. 

-

“shh..” he tenderly mumbled into your ear, the one he’d been kissing on for the past few minutes, the sloppiness of it that you loved. Your chest to his back, being completely nude with your legs spread open, one of his hands pinching your nipple while grabbing the rest of the flesh around it.

The sweat and tears adoring your face, masked in pleasure, trying your best to look up at him only to receive a kiss on the head.  

“Yoomi~”  you sofly cried, clinging on your hands back onto the fabric of his shirt, the one that he got back from his press conference in, the one that he came back in a bad mood, immediately taking it out on you.

His thumb played with your clit, two of his long fingers sliding in as well, leaving you more of a mess then you were already in, his voice accompanied, encouraging you to. He curled his fingers into you, not roughly but hard enough to make you feel it. Your other hand shakily grabbing onto the arm he was blessing you with.

You were such a sweetheart for him, an angel he thought. As soon as you walked in the room he could swear he saw a halo around your head, looking at you long enough to where he could bask in your beauty, but short enough to where you couldn't tell.

Sometimes he felt like he didn't deserve you, being such a bad boyfriend that can't attend to your “needs”, feeling like a dead weight on you. But the way you followed him around like a lost puppy, expressing your love for him in ways you knew he would like reassured him that you were the one.

“-omi” you moaned, legs now shaking, holding them in place with his arm, his fingers working faster while his hand was still cupping your breast squeezing it every once in a while.

“Come for me love.” he warmly mumbled into your ear, taking a break from kissing down your neck, his marks accompanying the glistening of your skin, being the prettiest sight in his eyes. You freezed up in his arms, finally letting go of his shirt, your head rolling back as far as it could. You ultimately getting the both of you dirty, your cum being now a puddle beneath you two, not having the energy to fret about it.

He lets you rest in his arms after your high, lightly resting his head on top of yours, giving it another kiss, gently holding you leaning into you before whispering a faint “Im sorry.”

-Bokuto

This is regular occurrence for you two

Yes, he fucks the shit out of you, but lovingly < 3

You two always express your love for each other through touch, being intimate leaves to you in a daze.

But after he wins a game and sees you in the crowd so excited, a big smile appears on his face, feeling grateful to have you in his life.

He shows you how much he appreciates you

-

“i love you....so much” he said, dragging your clothes off, eyes following you like a needy puppy, his shirt hanging on by one of his arms still in it, the rest of him naked. 

You could only giggle in response, taking off the bra yourself, seeing that he was trying his hardest too, not wanting to take any longer. “Ko, baby what about you?” you said referring to his state letting out another laugh. His hair even more messed up from taking off his hoodie faster than  you've ever seen, looking like a little kid trying to dress themselves.

“baby.” you murmur, your hands landing on the sides of his face, into your space, trying to bring him back to reality for a second. “I'm always gonna be here, always... so you can take your time” you finished, seeing he finally took your suggestion as he stood up.

He took off his shirt, now being fully naked for your eyes to admire. But before you could let your hands touch his chest he grabbed them, softly pulling you into his lap, wrapping his big arms around you while letting his head rest on your shoulder.

You got the hint and relaxed as he lined himself up with you, moving his head so that he could see before pushing himself inside trying to hold back his eagerness. “feel good?” he asked thrusting in you a little, the blush covering his cheeks as he held your body closer. 

“yeah...feels so good.” you faintly whined out. “...only you could make me feel this way” 

His big frame melted into yours as he started moving, your words being music to his ears, his slow strokes making you feel his need. You leaned your head on his shoulder too, slightly moving your hips with his, wanting to feel him even deeper.

His hands moved to your ass and the top of your back, gripping them firmly against his soft movements, letting out moans as he felt you clench around him, the soft flesh being the only thing  keeping him grounded. 

“F-fuck baby” he started before you cut him off with a “shh, you can cum.” trying your best to seem stable with the way he was fucking you, bouncing on him, hitting those seep spots over and over.

You felt him release, the wetness dripping down your thighs falling onto his, hearing a few curses and moans along with it, giving you puppy dogs eyes asking if you'd let him fuck you again, and of course you couldn't say no.

He kept you in this position for the rest of the night so he could hear all the words of affection, the praise you said he deserved, moaned into his ear. The scratch marks and bruises being the only physical trace left, reminding him of the love you two shared.

“You did great bo.” you said with a smile, sitting in his lap, eyes fluttering as you feel asleep along with him. His grip on you was still tight, kissing you on the forehead, his way of letting you know how much he loved you.

-Meian

Date night yayyyy

Anyways, he’s admiring how beautiful you are, thanking the gods for giving you to him

And he wants to show you how much he worships the ground you walk on, taking it nice and slow, as usual, but this time it would stay like that.

Even if he tries to be gentle with you its still gonna hurt for a min.

Poor baby :’ (

But its okay cause he’ll dote on you and coo in your ear of how good of a girl you are for taking him. :  )

-

“Please, meian.'' you whined, grabbing onto his chest, sweaty skin linking you two together, thighs connected to his hips. Rubbing your bare self on his length, the lace panties you had on being long gone, tossed somewhere on the floor.

He couldn't keep his eyes off of you the whole night, the outfit you had on hugging you just right, the skin peeking out every so often, his hands wondering all over you to your obvious enjoyment; and on the ride home he couldn't keep his eyes off your lips. The gloss shining bright in the streetlights, your natural pout shaping your pretty little face, so innocent, reminding him of all the times you weren't.

“shhh... its okay, I got you angel. We can take it slow, okay?” he said already reading your mind, knowing how his pretty girl thinks, holding your weight making sure you didn't slide down him too fast.

He let you do whatever you wanted to your heart's content, it was always about you, he'd always go along with what you wanted, never doing anything you didn't. You wanting to ride him out of the blue, wanting to take it at your pace. He was more than happy to provide, you usually letting him do whatever he wanted to you, its only right that he returned the favor.

“You good doll?” he groaned, only the tip being in you right now, trying to accommodate his size, even though you were wet from him jumping on you the minute you walked through the door. His hungry eyes not leaving you once, picking you up while shoving his lips on your soft ones, hands raking through your clothes, his hands pulling them off till you only had your panties on.

“Ease up baby, look... “ he stated, his grip on your hips with his big warm hands making you melt into his touch, distracting you from your end goal. “m’sorry... im trying to go faster” you let out, a few tears following while you froze in place. Your mind racing with the thoughts of this not feeling good for him, only you, instant regret flooding your train of thought.

“No, no, no angel,” he started worriedly, wanting to take care of you as he should, leaning up against the bed frame now being face to face with you. “its all about you okay? don't worry doll it feels good for me too, I'm not as impatient as i seem” he said, a slight laugh accompanying him trying to lighten the mood.

“here, lemme move all the way inside you, then you can do whatever you want alright.” he somewhat asked. You nodded, holding onto his shoulders as his hands and hips moved, slowly filling you up, now trembling in his grasp. The stretch making you whine, feeling his balls against your ass, already rutting into him letting out a few moans while he leaned back, thinking you were the most precious thing he's ever seen, a slight smirk now on his face.

“Alright angel, im all yours now.”

© all content belongs to spikesbimbo. do not alter or repost .

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Four

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: hey y'all. my new job has been draining the life out of me so i have very little energy left for writing, which is why these updates are taking so long. im still very passionate about this fic though, it just takes me more time to write :(

in other news, this chapter is saturated with descriptions of pain, both physical and emotional. i hated writing it but it was worth it.

***

Nesta, 14

Sometimes it all becomes too much. Feyre asking for help with homework and Elain begging for more money to go to the strip mall, and their dad ignoring them all as if they aren’t even there. Sometimes she wants to leave it all behind and pretend she isn’t anchored to three other people, wants to pretend she is a lone being in a lonely world.

When she needs to go away, she comes here.

Cherrywood House is quiet, as it always is this time of year. One of several expensive vacation homes in the Smokies, Cherrywood is Nesta’s favorite for a multitude of reasons— it’s empty for ten out of twelve months of the year, it’s the only house with a clear view of the nearby lake, and cherry blossoms bloom on trees out in the back every spring.

It’s early June, and she has a few more weeks left with the house until its owners return. The family that owns the place never leaves a trace of themselves behind when they leave each August, so Nesta returns the favor by never leaving hints of her inhabitance either.

She takes her worn Converse and socks off at the back porch and climbs in through the unlocked window barefoot. This is where she belongs. A ghost roaming the empty halls, with no one to care for and no one to care for her.

She makes her way upstairs to her preferred hideout spot: an airy bedroom with a bay window seat that looks out onto the cherry blossom trees outside. Cracking the window open to let the fragrance of flowers in, she settles into the bench seat with her book of the week and starts reading.

Absorbed in dreams of deep love and deeper kisses, Nesta doesn't notice the sun going down until she can barely make out the words on the page before her. Glancing up with sore eyes, she realizes she needs to leave soon if she doesn't want to take the wooded path back home in the dark.

“Damn,” she sighs, but she gets up and shuts the window firmly.

She keeps her nose in her book all the way down the hall and down the stairs, and doesn't sense anything off until a large shadow flashes in the corner of her eye. Her head whips up, and the face that greets her looks just as surprised as she is.

Nesta freezes.

“Um,” the guy says. He’s maybe a few years older than her, seventeen or eighteen, and tall with shaggy dark hair. The front door of the house is still cracked open behind him. “What the fuck?”

Nesta unfreezes. And then she runs.

All the way through the main hall and to the back door, while the boy’s shouts chase her through the house. “Hey, wait up!”

They weren't supposed to be here this early—

Her hand wraps around the back door handle and she flings it open, shoving through the second screen door and shooting right down the porch steps. Heavy steps behind her ignite a panic in her, and she gains a burst of speed.

“HEY!” he calls again. Soft grass becomes dirt and twigs beneath Nesta's feet, and she knows she's reached the tree line. Dark shadows fall over her as she darts into the safety of the woods.

Still standing on the back porch and waving a raggedy pair of Converse, Cassian tries calling for the girl one more time. “You forgot your shoes!”

Cassian wakes up at five in the morning to the sound of the house’s pipes creaking, a telltale sign that someone is using one of the faucets. Blinking his eyes open, he hears the distant sound of the shower running.

Who would get up in the freezing cold at this hour just to take a shower? He checks the time once more to make sure he isn't imagining things, and gets up to peek his head out of his bedroom. Sure enough, light leaks out from under the bathroom door.

Cassian walks up to the bathroom and listens closely for any sound beside running water. He knocks hesitantly. “Nesta?”

Her muffled voice calls back to him, but he can't make out a thing.

“Are you alright?” he asks. “How long have you been in there?”

There’s no response, and now he’s concerned. Raising his voice, he says, “I’m going to come in to hear you better, is that okay?”

A soft affirmative answers him, and he tries the doorknob. It’s already unlocked, which is odd, but he pokes his head into the steam-filled bathroom cautiously. “Nesta?”

From behind the curtain of the shower, a pale, tired face appears. She’s sitting on the floor of the tub, he realizes. “Hey,” she attempts a feeble smile at him.

Cassian fully enters the bathroom, the humidity dampening his skin. “Are you okay? When did you get up?”

“I’ve only been in here for an hour, maybe.” Her voice is weak enough that he has to move closer to hear her. “Don’t worry about your water bill. I’ll pay it, I swear.”

He shakes his head, confounded. “I don’t care about the water bill. You still haven’t told me if you’re okay.” He moves to crouch beside the bathtub, the opaque shower curtain the only barrier between them.

Nesta rolls her eyes, looking embarrassed. “It’s just cramps. I get really sick on my periods, and I would have warned you that they suck ass, but that would imply that my period could affect you. It doesn’t have to affect you— if you just leave me to myself for a few days, I won’t even be a bother.”

Cassian blinks, not really knowing where to start with that, so he just says, “But why the shower?”

Nesta shifts uncomfortably behind the curtain. “Sometimes hot water is the only thing that helps with the pain. I already tried getting out of the shower, but it hurt so bad— I had to go right back in. I’ll get out eventually, don’t worry.”

Cassian frowns. This all sounds incredibly worrying. “This is normal for you?”

She’s about to answer when her face pinches in a look of discomfort. “Cassian,” she says, strained.

He leans closer, wanting to help. “Yeah?”

“Get out.” She doesn't look like she has the energy to add anything else.

Cassian wants to defy Nesta and stay right there, but that would require arguing with her, and she clearly is no longer in the mood to hold up a conversation.

Reluctantly, he nods. “I’ll be right down the hall. Yell if you need anything.”

Nesta is already sinking lower into the tub, trying to get more fully under the burning hot spray. Her eyes drift closed and she hums in answer.

Cassian doesn't return to his room like he said he would, but heads downstairs instead. He spends a good ten minutes reading the drug labels of various painkillers from the medicine cabinet before carefully arranging a nonlethal cocktail of them on a tray. He adds a cold glass of water and various handpicked snacks before returning upstairs to set the tray by Nesta’s bedside, and turns the heat all the way up to combat the chill in her room, just in case.

Then he goes back to his room and waits. He tries to listen closely for the sound of the shower stopping, but he’s not used to being up this early on a Saturday, and his bed is so warm…

He falls asleep waiting.

***

Nesta stumbles out of the shower long after Cassian leaves her and downs a handful of pills without thinking too much about who left them for her. She already has an idea of how the next few days will go, and she just hopes Cassian will allow her the dignity to suffer through it alone.

She crawls into bed exhausted and shuts her eyes tight. The next time she opens them, sunlight is streaming weakly through the windows. Jarring pain lances through her abdomen, and she brings her legs all the way up to her chest and whimpers. From the edge of her consciousness, she notices the snack tray has been replaced with lunch— some leftover lasagna from the night before. Sneaking out her hand from her mountain of blankets, she goes for her phone. A text sent nearly an hour ago waits for her.

Cassian: please eat.

Nesta glares at the lasagna because she knows better. She might have spent this morning eyeing the bathroom tiles to determine if they were clean enough for her to curl up there and die, but she's not at a point to abandon her dignity just yet. The last thing her roiling nausea needs is solid food. Instead, she gathers the focus to text back Cassian: Leave me alone today.

It's only after she sends the message that she realizes it sounds harsh, but she can't bring herself to explain further or to soften her tone. Her pain always has a way of stripping her of any defenses and formalities and leaving only a primal creature behind.

Turning her phone off, she closes her eyes and inhales tightly through her nose. A wave of cramps that feels closer to what a brutal stabbing victim would feel like overtakes her, and— no, she has to get up.

During times like these, the bathroom is Nesta’s favorite place in the whole world. Cool tiles to rest her head on, hot water just a foot away, and a spacious tub if she ever feels like passing out. Heaven. Naturally, she escapes there first.

After maybe another hour of restless writhing and moving about, Nesta decides the suffering isn't worth it and hobbles downstairs in search of some Nyquil to knock her out. She’s got the medicine cabinet halfway open when a broad hand slams it back shut, and she turns to find Cassian standing behind her with a stern look. “You haven’t eaten anything all day. You can’t take meds on an empty stomach.”

Nesta wants to cry at the denial of pain relief, but she grips the counter behind her and manages a glare instead. “You can’t tell me what to do.”

“I will absolutely tell you not to wreck your liver, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

A desperate whine escapes her, and she can’t believe Cassian has to see her like this. Even worse, she sees sympathy soften his face as his hand slips off the cabinet next to her head. “I made soup,” he offers. “Can you have soup?”

Nesta hesitates. Her insides don’t hate the idea of soup. She nods.

***

Nesta insisted on avoiding Cassian for the rest of the day, and Cassian graciously eased off her back once he knew she’d eaten. He kindly pretended he didn’t hear her running back and forth from the bathroom all day because she couldn’t sit still, and only interrupted her once to make sure she took more Tylenol before bed.

Now, long after night has fallen, Nesta is truly alone. Her medicine either hasn’t kicked in yet or isn’t strong enough to do its job tonight. She can barely think straight, and this is when the most primal part of herself comes out.

Despite her age, despite everything, she still cries. She cries as if anyone would bother listening, physical pain intertwining with the pain and humiliation of being ignored. “Papa,” she calls into her pillow, again and again.

She hasn’t trusted her papa in years, and yet she still expects him to rescue her. She still waits for him to show up and make everything better.

A hot tear leaks from her eye, and the catharsis of it distracts from her cramps. She curls up into a ball and cries harder, as if she can weep out everything that’s wrong with her body.

A soft knock interrupts her helpless whimpers, and Nesta hears the door open a moment later. “Nesta? Were you calling for me?”

Somebody came. No one’s ever come for her before.

A sigh of relief escapes her, and she forgets to put her walls up. “I’m just—” she tries to say, “so tired.”

She hears Cassian come farther into the room and curse. “Fuck, it’s an icebox in here.”

A hand nudges at her mound of comforters, giving Nesta’s shoulder a shake. “You should’ve told me the heater wasn’t working. Are you okay?”

That question sets her on edge. “Do I look okay?” her voice cracks. She wants to cry even harder now that he’s here, for some reason.

“Obviously not,” he mutters. “You’re staying in my room tonight. Get up.”

Nesta groans and burrows further into her freezing cocoon of sheets. “Don’twannamove.”

“It’s either that or I’m carrying you. I’m good either way.”

Nesta finally cracks her eyes open, glad that Cassian is only a tear-blurred figure in the dark. She doesn’t want to read whatever is on his face right now. Gathering her heavy comforter around herself, she gets up and lets Cassian lead her down the hall to his room.

Toasty warmth hits her as soon as she’s inside, and she makes an exhausted sound and drops the comforter. In a blur, she’s tucked into Cassian’s bed, enveloped by his scent and his lingering body heat on the sheets. Under the dim lamplight, Cassian seems to finally take notice of the tear tracks on her face. Clicking his tongue in sympathy and concern, he rubs his thumb over the sensitive skin under Nesta’s eyes. Her whole body shudders under the gentle touch. Who knew just the pad of his finger could combat this inescapable agony?

“This isn’t normal,” he murmurs. “I’m taking you to a doctor as soon as this storm clears.”

If Nesta was in the right state of mind, she’d tell him absolutely not. However, she’s barely comprehending his words as it is, so she watches him click the lamp off in silence. Darkness fills the room, but she can hear him moving.

“I’ll be right back,” his voice rumbles, and then she’s alone again. More tears leak at the feeling of abandonment. She’s so sick of herself.

After what feels like an eternity but is only a few minutes, she hears Cassian return. The mattress dips behind her as he climbs under the blankets with her, and then Nesta feels something hot and dry being pressed to her side. A towel. “Does this help?” he murmurs, his voice surprisingly close to her ear.

Wordlessly, Nesta reaches down and takes his hand holding the hot towel, dragging it beneath the hem of her sweater so the heat burns against her bare skin. She sighs and allows her tensed body to sag, leaning back into the hard cradle of Cassian’s chest and arms.

In her ear, Cassian’s breathing has gone shallow. His hand slips from her side, only to find her back and start rubbing up and down.

Her eyes flutter shut.

“My mother was a Muslim immigrant from Algeria,” Cassian whispers out of nowhere. “And whenever I felt sick as a little kid, I would crawl into her lap and she would rub my back just like this, and say some prayers and blow on my face, and I would feel better.”

Nesta makes a weak sound of acknowledgment. That sounds nice, nicer than anything she ever knew growing up.

“I’m sorry I don’t know any prayers,” Cassian says. Then, Nesta feels a whoosh of breath tickle the side of her face. “Does that help?”

It feels weirdly good, and Nesta's shoulders start shaking. She doesn't know if she's holding in a laugh or a sob. Cassian’s hand stills on her back. “Nesta?”

A sharp wave of pain sets her straight. After she breathes through it, she tells him, “You don't need to pray. Just… keep talking to me.”

His hand resumes drawing circles on her back. “Alright.” And he whispers stories into her ear for the rest of the night, until she's fallen asleep and long afterward.

The next morning, Nesta is feeling much better. Cassian knows this because she’s sitting in the living room when he comes downstairs, straight-backed instead of hunched over in pain, and she’s regained the energy to glare at him.

Cassian’s relief at seeing Nesta okay hesitates at that glare. He slows on the bottom step. “How’re you feeling, sweetheart?”

“Don't call me that.”

He blinks, not sure what he did wrong. Before he can ask, Nesta says, “You didn't listen to me.”

“Excuse me?” He strolls deeper into the living area.

“I told you to leave me alone while I'm on my period, and you didn't listen. You dragged me to your room and made me spend the night with you.”

“You were crying for help,” Cassian says in disbelief. “What was I supposed to do? Ignore you?”

“Yes.” She looks even angrier. “It’s humiliating for me to have you see me like that. It's humiliating to have my own family see me like that.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but you’re—” He almost says overreacting, but some deep instinct tells him that word won’t fly well with Nesta. “You’re wrong,” he decides. “Whatever you think I’m thinking of you after last night, you’re wrong.” Cassian has no problem going into caretaker mode for Nesta; it's his natural state of being most of the time anyway. Besides, last night was… a new experience for him. For a multitude of reasons. “You can't tell me you go through that every month and have never had anybody take care of you.”

“I haven't, and for good reason,” Nesta seethes. “You had no right to see me like that.”

Cassian leans on the arm of a chair and crosses his arms, considering her. “Have you ever seen a doctor about your period?”

“That’s none of your business,” she snaps. Here is the Nesta that Feyre is always talking about: quick to anger and always on the defense, to the point that she comes off as unreasonable. Nothing like the helpless woman in tears from just the night before.

It brings out a rougher side of Cassian, one that wants to nip and bite at her boundaries instead of letting her be comfortable all the time. “That’s no way to talk to someone who stayed up all night to wait on you hand and foot, you know.”

“Don’t you dare hold that against me.” Nesta’s voice is dangerously cold.

“I’m not holding it against you. I’m taking you to a doctor.”

“No.”

“I already made an appointment.”

“Cancel it.” Her voice is brittle and she’s now trembling with restrained rage. Cassian doesn’t know if it’s because he’s refusing to give her a choice or if she just really doesn’t like doctors. Either way, it doesn’t change how Nesta ran out of bed at four this morning to puke her soup up. If it wasn’t for all this snow, he would have dragged her ass to the ER by now.

“I don’t have health insurance,” Nesta admits when she sees that Cassian won’t back down. “And I’ve made it this far without any cause for concern; there’s no reason to go.”

“Then I’ll pay for it,” he says simply. Her lack of care for her health astounds and angers Cassian at the same time. How is it that nobody, not even her family, has looked at this woman before and said You’re not okay, do you need help? How many times has she cried in pain with no one to listen?

Nesta has now stood up and is turning red in the face. “Absolutely not. Stop it.”

“Stop what?” Cassian smirks and straightens up.

“I’m not going to the doctor,” she barks. “Cancel the appointment.”

“No.”

“DO IT!”

In that moment, Cassian sees it. He sees how beneath the adult manner and adult words, the carefully crafted facade of cool, there is an explosive, tantrum-prone child. And he’s about to reveal her for good.

“It’s this Wednesday. I hope you don't mind skipping class.”

An enraged shriek shatters the air in the room, and before Cassian can even be shocked Nesta is verbally pouncing on him, yelling, “How fucking dare you, you complete shithead—”

“Nesta.”

“You have no right to— You’re so useless, this is why I didn't want to stay with you, this is why I never talked to you—”

“Nest—”

“You egomaniacal manipulative bastard— just because you let me stay in your house doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do—”

“Damn it Nesta, can you just shut up and LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE!”

Nesta freezes and blinks, taken aback. Cassian immediately snaps his mouth shut, wondering if he’s finally crossed that line he’s been so cautiously toeing this whole time.

He watches her face closely, looking for signs of upset— or worse, fear. She only says, “Fine.”

He’s confused. “Fine, what?”

“Fine, I’ll go to the doctor’s.” Just like that, her fight is gone and the facade is back in place. She sets her jaw, but a hint of surprise and newfound discovery lingers in her eyes. “But I’m not letting you pay for it. It’ll have to come out of my own pocket.” She doesn't look happy about that part.

Cassian wants to argue her, but he knows how to pick and choose his battles. For now, he’s just baffled that he demanded Nesta to do something, and she listened.

He raised his voice at her. God, he yelled at her in anger and she only blinked in response, and now she’s listening to him. What kind of sick alien shit is this?

***

a/n: i love talking about these characters so if you ever get sick of waiting for part 5 just shoot me an ask and ill gladly discuss nessian with you

tagging: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @sensitiveillyrian @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx

[dramaqueeenamby]

Waves: Wild Hearts

A/N: This is sorta a follow up to Fighter that I’ve had on my computer for months. I have included the ending of that oneshot at the beginning of this one to help refresh memories, but if you want to read Fighter, you can do so here. Yes, there will be a part 2 to this one. 

Warnings: Angst

Words: 2K

-GIF from Google-

TAGS: @babe-im-bi​ @notacamelthatsmywife​ @queenoftheworldisdead​ @tashawar​ @valkryienymph​ @letsshamelessqueen-m​ @lettytheletdown​ @hello-therree​ @toni9​ @kpizzletrash​ @missdforever​ @missyperle​ @mani-lifes​ @koko-michelle @liquorlaughslove​

-----

Previously on Waves

“Now back to the news that broke headlines just last night. Academy Award-Winning Actress Summer Hemsworth was allegedly attacked in her Georgia hotel room last night. Hemsworth suffered two gunshot wounds and reportedly collapsed in the lobby as horrified onlookers called 911 and attempted to stop the bleeding.”

“She was rushed to the local hospital where doctors performed emergency surgery, and as of now, we are hearing reports that she is in stable condition.”

“While details are still unclear, what we do know is that the attacker is now deceased, reportedly at the hands of Summer, who fought him off. In addition, the perpetrator has been identified as Myles Hampton, the same man who stalked and attacked Mrs. Hemsworth almost six years prior.”

“Hampton was sentenced and serving a 15-year sentence which has the world wondering. How did he get out? How was he able to re-traumatize his victim? How--”

“Mommy.”

His son’s voice ripped Christopher from his phone where he was watching the news for reasons even he couldn’t explain. Well, rather, didn’t want to explain.

Elysha glared at her brother, bringing her index finger to her mouth. “Shh. Papa said we gotta be quiet.”

Summer moaned, finally waking up from another nap. They had her on heavy painkillers that made her sleep, much to the chagrin of all four individuals occupying the private hospital room. For the twins, sleep meant she couldn’t talk to them. They needed to hear her voice to know that she was going to be okay.

For Christopher, well, even awake, he still worried.

And for Summer, she just hated to be unconscious as she recognized the concern that it caused her family.

“Did he now?” She whispered, blinking a couple times as she managed to lift her hand, bringing it to Emmett’s cheek. “Well, mama says you don’t have to.”

Both kids responded with a smile, quickly grabbing the sheets on either side of the bed, where they’d remained the entire time.

They wouldn’t leave her side.

“Look, mama,” Elysha chimed as they lifted the papers. “We drew you pictures. Mines is bestest.”

“Nu uh!”

“Uh huh!”

She smiled, ignoring the pain she was still experiencing. It mattered not though. She’d take the pain of survival over the finality of death any day.

“They’re both the bestest,” Summer shared, making both of them grin for a few seconds when she noticed Elysha drop her head. “What’s wrong, baby?”

Elysha took a few seconds, her voice barely above a whisper. “We’re glad you’re okay, mommy.”

“Yeah,” Emmett agreed. “Why’d that mean man try to hurt you, mama?”

Summer closed her eyes. Her pain was no longer a concern. Her priority was the hurt she saw and heard in her children, her beautiful babies prematurely forced to encounter the evils of this world.

“I-”

“Well, it’s about time you woke up, lil’ missy.” Helen spoke with a warm smile as she walked into the room.

Seeing their grandmother raised their spirits just enough to eat away some of Summer’s guilt. Helen walked over and gently felt her daughter’s head. “How you doing, baby?”

Summer, conscious of the watchful set of blue eyes on her, smartly replied. “I’m good, mama.”

Helen nodded. “I see you’re getting some of your color back. Good. You was getting a lil’ pale on me, lil girl.”

Elysha gasped. “Can I have some of mommy’s color, grandma!”

“Me too, grandma!”

The twin’s excitement and naivety made Summer smile. Their uplifted spirits nursed her soul.

“I don’t know about color, but how about you two come with grandma to the cafeteria, and we’ll see what kind of ice cream they have.”

The promise of their favorite dessert quickly dimmed when they realize it meant leaving their mom.

“But-”

“Ya’ll go. Mama has to talk to papa,” Summer referenced Christopher who’d sat silent while allowing the children time to bond with their mother. “Please?”

Emmett groaned but relented. “I’ll bring you ice cream back, mama.” He looked back at Christopher. “You too, papa!”

“I’ll bring you some too, papa!”

Careful kisses on either side of her cheeks preceded the kids finally walking out hand in hand with Helen.

The sound of tiny footsteps repeatedly diminished until they could be heard no more, replaced by heavy-footed strides and the creaking of a chair. Summer closed her eyes at his warm touch, his hand clasped over hers, the other going to her forehead.

He laid his head against her shoulder, Summer angling her own so that she could kiss the top of his head.

She gently tightened her grip on his head. “I’m fine, Christopher.”

“Don’t.” She licked her lips, concern shifting from her kids to her husband. “Don’t give me that shit, Summer. You are not fine.”

“I’m alive, Chris,” she croaked, wanting desperately to stress how grateful she was. “He shot me. Twice. And I’m alive.”

“This never should have fucking happened. If they’d been watching him, he would have never-”

“Hey,” she forced some bass into her voice. “We can’t do that. It happened, and it-it sucks, but-”

“How can you be so calm about this?” He forced out bitterly, finally lifting his head to reveal glazed eyes that burned with fear and rage. “After everything he did, what he tried-”

She attempted the comedic route, something that typically worked for them. “Well, it’s not like this is the first time I’ve almost died.” The dark joke fell through, possibly increasing his irritation. She swallowed. “I-I think-I still don’t know what to think, Chris. I-It’s a lot to process, but I can’t do that right now. Emmett and Elysha are watching us, watching me, and every time I look at them, look at you, I’m reminded of everything I stood to lose, and I’m just-I’m thankful. And the last thing that I want is to further worry the twins…or you.”

He lifted their conjoined hands and gently kissed her fingertips. Summer recognized the gesture as acknowledgment.

“I love you,” she breathed as he moved his mouth to kiss her inner forearm. “So much.”

He brought his hand to her cheek, their eyes meeting with a burning and moving meeting that conferred the ardent love between them but was now tinged with a new emotion.

Fear

Wild Hearts

“Just a few more seconds. Come on, Summer.”

Face scrunched up in discomfort, the actress swallowed her pain and scraped for every bit of resilience that she had left, successfully completing the set before relaxing as soon as her therapist gave her the okay.

Dropping onto the floor, Summer crossed her wrists and placed them over her head. Deep, relaxing breaths abated her nerves and aching muscles as Rene attempted to offer words of encouragement and praise that Summer was only halfheartedly listening to.

It wasn’t that Rene was bad at her job. No, far from it. She was a wonderful physical therapist who pushed Summer in ways that were both challenging while also welcoming. It was that Summer still hadn’t come to accept that she was back at square one. She felt like she was preparing to become Storm all over again. Relearning suddenly replaced years of maintenance. Her schedule had been disrupted, and it created cognitive dissonance.

Hand unconsciously falling onto her core, her fingers slid over the dark scar that still bled with remnants of trauma and regrets. One of two, it was the most prominent and noticeable. Folks rarely paid attention to feet, but the stomach, it was the area that generally garnered a decent amount attention based solely on the level of flatness.

Rene noticed the way Summer’s fingers stroked her slick skin and cleared her throat. “Why don’t we call it a day?”

“The day has been called, ma’am.”

The ginger grinned crookedly and complimented her client. “You did great today.”

Summer snorted, groaning quietly as she sat up and braced her palms against the mat. “Now you’re just kissing my ass.”

“While you do have quite the ass,” Summer rolled her eyes. “I’m not quite sure how my wife and your husband would feel about that.”

Summer rolled her eyes as Rene reached a hand to help her stand up. “Noted.” Rolling her shoulders, Summer walked over to grab her pink Blender Bottle, downing down the water mixed with lemons and limes. The typically acrid mixture was welcoming because of the addition of ice cubes that quenched her parched throat, assisting in the cooling down of her warm body.

“I think we could even maybe move down to twice a week instead of three.”

Swallowing a couple more ounces, Summer lowered her cup and wiped at her mouth. “Seriously?”

Rene nodded as she crossed her arms. “I meant it. You’re doing great.” A beat. “Physically.”

And just like that, Summer rolled her eyes and turned her body to start packing up her items. “Here we go again.”

Rene already knew that she was going to be met with apprehension, but that didn’t dissuade her. “I can only help you rehabilitate your body, Summer. But your mind—”

“—is fine.”

Rene stilled, her green eyes softening. “You can say that until you’re blue in the face, but it makes no difference if you don’t really believe it, and I don’t think you do.”

Summer stilled, her back toward the tall woman. A part of her, a very small part of her, wanted to switch things up. She wanted to entertain the conversation, just to see how it would play out, but another part of her knew exactly how it would play out, so she did as she’d done a lot lately.

“So, same time next week?” She spun around, swinging her bag over her shoulder. Before the other woman could offer a response, Summer shot her a wink and walked past her. “Thank, Rene.”

As if on cue, Phillip’s large frame appeared in the doorway, and Summer’s grin fell.

Arms clasped in front of him, he nodded in acknowledgment. “Ready, Mrs. Hemsworth?”

An elongated sigh escaped as she approached him and managed to reignite her previous smile. “I told you, Summer is fine, but yeah, I’m ready.”

A grunted response that she couldn’t really make out proceeded him opening the door for her only to quickly move back in front of her so that he was blocking her view. For a man his size, he was impressively quick on his feet.

A few more doors, elevator ride down, and Summer was met with the blistering Australian heat as a firm hand moved to her backside and escorted her out the building. Out the corner of her eye, she spotted the photographers who snapped away, a few inching close to the star but not enough where they were in arms reach of Phillip.

They weren’t stupid.

Phillip had served as a bodyguard for some of the most important figures across the world, celebrities and royals included. His resume was impeccable, and he was damn good at his job, a job that, while she respected, Summer felt suffocated by at times.

The fact that she even had a full-time bodyguard was something that she still hadn’t swallowed. She’d always been vocal and open about the fact that she loathed the whole “barrier” between celebrities and “regular degular” people. Her occupation, in her option, shouldn’t place her on a pedestal.

Plus, she was far from hopeless, and so a bodyguard was something could never get with unless they were provided by the event she was attending.

But a certain husband of hers was absolutely adamant about hiring the 24/7 protection following the attack, and while Summer understood his reasoning, she still wasn’t in agreement.

Not that it mattered…

The drive was short as the outpatient treatment center was only about twenty minutes away from the Hemsworth residence. Once they reached the mansion, Summer relieved Phillip from his duties. She had no plans on going out again. Christopher was picking up the kids from school. She’d maybe take Doggy out for a walk on the beachfront, but that didn’t require the 6”3 giant’s presence.

Not even three seconds into the door, Christopher was in front of his wife, hands on her hips as he pecked her lips.

“Hey, honey.”

Summer faltered only for a second before chewing on her bottom lip. “Damn, waiting for someone?”

“Always.” He winked and smacked her ass, prompting her to try to push him away.

“I need to shower,” she protested with a small pout as he brushed her comment off and slyly lowered his mouth down to her ear.

“I’ll join you.”

Summer grinned, momentarily contemplating his offer. “Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?”

“We are married, aren’t we?”

“I mean….” She laughed at his scowl and managed to pull away, walking past him to make her way up the steps. “Can you make us—”

Summer stopped and turned around on the second step only to see that was directly in front of her, on the first step.

She lifted a brow. “Sir?”

“What?”

She crossed her arms. “I’m pretty sure that I said n—Christopher!” She squealed as he silenced her by picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder. “Put me down!”

“I am going to put you down,” he responded while continuing their track up the stairs. “On my dick.”

“Christopher!”

————

Summer rolled over on her side and ran her hand over her face, eyes shut as she struggled to catch her breath. Holding onto the pillow, she pulled the blanket up to her neck, depriving her nude body of the chilly air that the AC caused to consume their room.

She smiled softly as her husband kissed her temple. Feeling the bed creak, he peaked and saw him moving out the way as he started to pull on his clothes. Leaning on her back, she grabbed her phone off the nightstand and saw that it was time for him to leave to pick up the twins.

How long were we?

“Phillip will be here in a few minutes—”

Summer frowned. “What?” She sat up, not caring that the sheet fell down, exposing her breast. “Baby, I told him he could go home for the day.”

Christopher stood up, pulling his pants on. “Why would you do that?”

She looked from side to side. “Because I don’t need him? I didn’t plan on going out today.”

“But you knew that I had to go pick up the kids, so you’d be alone.”

Summer closed her eyes. “Christopher….”

The chime of his phone interrupted her as he glanced at the screen to see that Phillip had arrived and entered the house using the key that Chris thought was a good idea to provide him with. “He’s here. I have to get going.”

Summer frowned and leaned back against the headboard. “Okay.”

Looking back over to see that she was still dissatisfied, he walked over and sat on the bed, reaching out to cup her cheek. “Why don’t you come with me?”

Her brows furrowed. “Seriously? Christopher, you’ve already called the man over here.”

“And?” Chris didn’t see a problem. “He’s staying the night—”

“Again?” Summer was no longer so disappointed. She was irritated. “That’s the third damn time this week.”

“Okay?”

Summer scoffed and moved away from him, crossing her arms. “You know, I would appreciate it if you would actually, maybe, communicate with me before you make these decisions.”

“What is there to talk about, Summer?” He watched her move to the other side of the bed as she kicked the blanket off and scurried around to gather her clothes. “You need pro—”

“No, Christopher, what I need is for you to stop treating me like a child!” A beat. “I can take care of myself!”

“Like you did with Myles?”

Summer clutched the shirt in her hand at the same moment Chris closed his eyes. “Fuck, Summer—“

“You can go to hell,” she whispered, yanking her shirt over her head and marching past him, snatching her arm away from him when he reached for her. “Don’t—“ she stopped, eyes closing as she fought the sob in the back of her throat. “—touch me.”

Christopher recognized that tone. It was rare, but when present, he recognized that nothing he could say or do could penetrate the impenetrable exterior that was Summer’s wall.

The slamming of the bathroom door indicated what he already knew. Walking over to the door and placing his ear against it, welcoming it to the quiet sobs of his wife confirmed it.

He’d fucked up.

-----

A/N: So....whose side ya’ll on?

[dadgonedeku]

Bnha Comfort Headcanons

❣️✨~SFW & Gender Neutral!Reader (S/O)

❣️✨~Warnings: mentions of panic & anxiety attacks, nightmares, includes cursing, and includes mentions of other potentially sensitive and personal topics, so please if you’re sensitive to stuff like this then read at your own risk!

❣️✨~Characters Included: Baku, Kiri, Todo, Deku, Mirio, Tamaki, Nejire, Kami, Sero, & Shinsou

❣️✨~Hello! I just felt like writing some fluffy comfort hcs since we’re currently all dealing with rough times and a global pandemic to top it off, so have these! I hope they help at least a little because I know they helped me when writing them!

❣️✨~Also I honestly had no idea what emoji to use for Sero? I went through like four different ones before deciding on a juice box because he was drinking one in one of Kiri’s flashbacks. IM SO SORRY I- IT WAS TWO IN THE MORNING I APOLOGIZE I PROMSIE ILL CHANGE IT-

Katsuki Bakugou💥

💥~ Believe it or not, but he understands what you’re going through, whether it be emotional or physical stress, or even anxiety and panic attacks, he knows the feeling of them all.

💥~ He can most likely relate to nearly everything that can cause those feelings, and he knows that familiar feeling of emptiness, heartache or sadness, and stress above all.

💥~ And truth be told, he’s a hothead and can definitely be a huge asshole sometimes, but with you it’s different.

💥~ He never wants to see you hurt, never wants to see you in discomfort, and certainly never wants to see you in a situation that’s unsafe for you.

💥~ So when he walks in on you crying or you come to him wanting to talk about an issue, he won’t admit it but he’s worried for you, and wonders how he can help in any way. Also he immediately threatens to blow someone through a roof.

💥~ He cherishes you and loves every part of you, it’s not like he’d just ask any random extra to be his s/o, and in all honestly he was the one who asked you to be with him in the first place.

💥~ He’ll hold you close and pet your head, and if you’re crying he’ll bring up his thumb to your face to dry your tears and cradle your face. “Oi, none of that dumbass.”

💥~ You two will stay like that for however long you need or want to, he honestly doesn’t mind, he just wants to make sure you’re okay.

💥~ He’ll tell you how strong, beautiful, and amazing you are, and that he loves every inch of you with everything he has.

💥~ Overall just suavely hypes you up and cradles you in his hold, and won’t even care if you end up falling asleep or passing out on him from emotional exhaustion. He’ll just carry you to bed and stay with you, pressing soft kisses to your forehead and running his fingers through your hair, wrapping his strong and safe arms around you as you rest.

Eijirou Kirishima🥊

🥊~ He feels so guilty and awful that he even allowed you to feel like this in the first place.

🥊~ Like what kind of man ever allows his s/o to be in a situation like that? How could he have ever slipped up and looked over your feelings?

🥊~ Is instantly at your side if you’re upset or crying, and will not hesitate to cuddle you until the end of time. “Gosh I’m so sorry s/o! What’s wrong? Please tell me!”

🥊~ He’s the empathic type, and in all honestly he’ll probably cry if he sees you crying.

🥊~ He’ll make you stop whatever you’re doing and focus on him and whatever he’s saying to try and comfort you, and will apologize for allowing you to even feel that way in the first place.

🥊~ He understands being stressed out or exhausted, and he can relate to the feeling of overwhelming anxiety or sadness.

🥊~ He’ll hold you close or snuggle up with you, securing you in a protective hold as he whispers sweet nothings in your ear.

🥊~ He’ll tell you just how much you make his heart flutter with everything you do and just how stunning you are to him.

🥊~ Will rub your thigh or run his hands through your hair or pet your head until you fall asleep in his arms.

🥊~ Ends up staying and sleeping with you, because it wouldn’t be manly to leave his s/o alone after they had just broke down in front him, plus he just always wants to make sure you’re okay.

Shouto Todoroki❄️🔥

❄️~ He doesn’t completely understand? Like he hasn’t really dealt with having to comfort someone else before?

🔥~ But he gets the feeling of having panic or anxiety attacks or the feelings of being overwhelmed or sad, and longs to help you get rid of them like he’s trying to with his.

❄️~ Immediately asks if you’re physically hurt or in pain, and if you say you aren’t then it’s an instant sigh of relief for him.

🔥~ If you’re crying he will hold you to his chest and warm you up or cool you down, offering a reassuring sensation that relaxes your tense muscles.

❄️~ He will wipe away your tears and press short kisses to your forehead, and will ask you if you want or need to talk about it with him.

🔥~ He will talk you through it and tell you how he has dealt with it or ways that could most likely help you.

❄️~ He will offer to stay as long as you need to want him there, and he silently pleads to himself that you don’t kick him out or ask him to leave, he knows you won’t, but he can’t help but ponder.

🔥~ He seems calm and collected on the outside, and sometimes that is indeed the case, but other times, he’s always worried sick, and every once in a while that leads to his quirk acting up slightly.

❄️~ You don’t mind though, you understand and you try to explain your situation the best you can for him so he can do his best to help you.

🔥~ Overall the two of you end up falling asleep with you on top of him, curled up against a wall as he holds you close. “I love you s/o, never forget that.”

Izuku Midoriya🥦

🥦~ He’s honestly so distraught he doesn’t even know what to do.

🥦~ It takes him a bit to get over the preemptive panic fit before he finally realizes that you need him to calm you down and not vice versa. “I’m so sorry s/o! Please tell me what’s wrong! I want to help in any way I can.”

🥦~ He’ll apologize multiple times, even if it wasn’t his fault, he just feels so upset and guilty that he can’t help but feel somewhat responsible.

🥦~ He’s crying, definitely crying, even if you aren’t, he still will, always, every damn time.

🥦~ He can relate if you have nightmares or panic attacks, and understands how they could make you feel because he’s had his fair share too.

🥦~ He’ll hold you close and mutters things about how he’ll always protect you and will never let anything happen to you or hurt you ever again.

🥦~ He also forces you to take it easy for the next couple of days, because it’s important to take care of yourself too, and our boi had to learn that the hard way.

🥦~ He never wants to see you hurt or upset, so he’ll do anything to make you feel better.

🥦~ He’ll break the rules and stay with you in your dorm for the night or whenever you need or want him to, when it comes to your health and safety he’ll break every rule in the book.

🥦~ The day after he’ll give you little surprises like your favorite snacks or maybe even a hoodie of his that he knows you love.

Hitoshi Shinsou💜

💜~ Honestly doesn’t know what to do at first.

💜~ ‘Shit, they’re upset, oh fuck they’re crying, fUcK whAt do I dO”

💜~ He tries his best, he knows he’s not the most understanding or the most empathetic person, but he’ll still try his hardest for you.

💜~ He understands if you’re having anxiety attacks or are just reacting to being overwhelmed, and he also heavily relates to lack of motivation.

💜~ So if you’re suffering from any of them, he’ll have his own way of helping you through it.

💜~ He will hold you in his arms, rocking back and forth slightly. He’ll try and crack dumb jokes to make you laugh, or tell you stupid stories about himself and the antics that in sued.

💜~ He’ll pet your head and call you ‘kitten’ regardless of your gender. “There there kitten, everything’s gonna be okay.”

💜~ He dries your tears and always finds a way to cheer you up, and will sometimes even turn on a ‘sad hours’ playlist for the two of you to listen to while you hold eachother.

💜~ He offers to drown one of his hoodies in that cologne you like for you to borrow and wear, and you happily agree.

💜~ If you fall asleep on him he just carries you to bed, gets in with you, tucks himself in and cradles you in his arms, never letting go and eventually falling asleep himself.

Denki Kaminari⚡️

⚡️~ The same as shinsou honestly.

⚡️~ ‘Shit, what the fuck what the fUcK why they’re cRyInG whAT dO I dO?!’

⚡️~ He does his best, and he can understand having anxiety or going through a situation that’s overwhelming, but that’s about it. “I’m so sorry s/o, I had no idea, please just tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”

⚡️~ He just wants to be there with you and make sure you’re okay in the end, and won’t hesitate to blow off his friends if it means that he can help you out.

⚡️~ If he somehow can’t be there for you he will barrage you by sending you memes or voice attachments of him saying stupid shit to make you laugh.

⚡️~ He will hold you close and play with your hair, and he will offer to get you food or drinks in hopes to make sure that one of the reasons you’re upset isn’t because you’re hungry.

⚡️~ He will gush about how much he loves you and how whipped he is for you, and will even go as far as to call himself a simp.

⚡️~ Will not hold back in exposing his friends and their stupid antics in the hopes to make you laugh at least a little.

⚡️~ He assures you that everything will be okay and he will press gentle kisses to your face or the top of your head.

⚡️~ The two of you somehow or someway end up dying laughing while playing video games or making tiktoks at two in the morning, that’s just the magic of Kami.

Hanta Sero🧃

🧃~ He’s honestly really upset for you at first...

🧃~ Like who hurt you? Who’s gotta pay the price? (Highkey Bakugou too but-)

🧃~ He walks in so worried for you, his heart racing and his stomach feels like it’s in his throat.

🧃~ Immediately hugs you and tells you it’s gonna be okay, asks you what happened and why you’re going through this. “I just- fuck s/o, I don’t know what to do, please tell me what’s wrong.”

🧃~ If you tell him what’s going on he tries his best to give you good advice, or also finds a way to say that he understands, which honestly, he probably doesn’t. (At least not fully)

🧃~ There’s like a 45% chance that he will cry, even if you aren’t. He’s just so heartbroken to see you the way you are and he can’t help but feel super emotional too.

🧃~ Offers to go out and get take out or some other food for you both, if you accept then he’s back in seconds to minutes, but if you decline that’s okay too.

🧃~ He pulls you to his chest and tries his best to crack a stupid joke or two in an attempt to make you laugh.

🧃~ He’s the type to praise you to no end, constantly hyping you up whether you need it or not.

🧃~ He loves you with his whole heart, and ends up staying with you for the rest of the day or night until the next morning.

Mirio Togata🌻

🌻~ Mirio is like the ultimate sweetheart, so when you’re upset or if you tell him you’re crying or dealing with a lot, he’s there for you in what feels like seconds.

🌻~ He walks in with a package of your favorite snack food and one of his hoodies that you gladly accept, and as soon as he sees you his heart drops to his stomach.

🌻~ He never wants to see you hurt or upset, and honestly he probably won’t completely understand, but he will do the best he can regardless.

🌻~ He’s instantly engulfing you in a strong and safe hug, his scarred arms wrapping around your neck and the small of your back, and you can’t help but be showered with warmth as soon as you touch him.

🌻~ He’ll softly sing or hum a tune in your ear as you snuggle up to him and softly cry or rest your head against his chest.

🌻~ He’s always showing off that beautiful smile of his to you, and will do whatever he can to make you smile back.

🌻~ He carries you to bed and then repositions to where both of you laying on your side facing eachother, as he wraps his frame around yours.

🌻~ He will pet your hair and assure you that’s everything will be okay, and how he will do anything to make it better.

🌻~ Definitely the type to make you laugh almost instantly, by either telling you stupid puns or sharing even more stories of his misadventures with his quirk.

🌻~ He will gush about how beautiful and amazing you are, and how he’s so lucky to have you in his life. He will say that you inspire him to be better and get stronger so he can keep you safe and sound, and all of those are true. “You’re just so amazing s/o, and I can’t help but fall more in love with you everyday.”

Tamaki Amajiki🐙

🐙~ He completely understands, and has most likely been in the same situation at least once before in his life.

🐙~ He deals with anxiety too, so he knows how it feels and he never ever wants you to go through it too.

🐙~ So if you text or call him he’s at your door in seconds, or if you just tell him in person you’re immediately wrapped in his comforting and safe hold.

🐙~ He tells you how strong you are, and how you never cease to amaze him, he gushes about how beautiful you are and how lucky he is to have you as his s/o.

🐙~ If you cry he’ll likely tear up or cry with you, or he will just lower his voice and hold you even tighter.

🐙~ The two of you end up in a position on a couch or on a bed where you’re laying on top of him with your face buried in his neck, facing away from him as he holds you close to his chest, pressing sweet and short kisses to your cheek or head every once and a while.

🐙~ Talks about how he’ll always protect you and keep you safe while playing with your hair. “I’ll do anything to keep you safe sunshine, please never forget that.”

🐙~ He most likely will wrap you in a safe blanket burrito as he holds you, and he will tell you cute or funny stories about you and him or his adventures with the big three.

🐙~ Overall he says he understands, and assures you that he will always be there or encourages you to talk through it with him, however if you say no, he won’t push it, but instead will say that he’s always around if you ever decide that you do want to talk.

🐙~ The two of you end up falling asleep on top of eachother, with Tamaki’s hands on your head and waist, and your arms on his chest or neck.

Nejire Hado💎

💎~ She is such a sweetheart, and despite her seemingly constant bubbly nature, she can still relate if you’re going through anxiety or if you’re overwhelmed by something.

💎~ She’s by your side in an instant, and immediately engulfs you in a comforting hug.

💎~ If you are smaller than her she’ll just cuddle you as you sit in her lap or rest your head on her chest and entangle your legs with hers. If you’re taller than her then she’ll just curl up in your lap like a little kitten and wrap her arms around your neck.

💎~ She offers to go get your favorite snacks or drinks, and if you decline she’s okay with that, and if you agree, then she’s all for it and she’s back in flash.

💎~ She’ll hold you and run her fingers through your hair, and if you’re crying she’ll dry your tears, tell you how beautiful you are, and then flash you that shining smile of hers.

💎~ Asks you to close your eyes and focus on her voice as she tries to calm you down the best the can while she holds you and rocks you back in forth in her arms. “Don’t worry s/o, everything will be okay just wait and see!”

💎~ She will massage your back, neck, or your shoulders to keep the tension away.

💎~ She will try to make you laugh by telling ridiculous stories about her adventures with Tamaki and Mirio, which of course always seem to make you laugh.

💎~ She just gushes about how amazing and beautiful you are to her, and that she will always help and be there for you when you need it.

💎~ If you end up falling asleep she’ll just smile and move you to a more comfortable sleeping position, or she’ll carry you to bed and snuggle up to you, whispering sweet nothings in your ear as she plays with your hair.

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / talk about menstruation and iud / venting / but i just wanna get this out, and maybe someone else is in the same boat as me because ive never been able to find any accounts of similar experiences ... I wanna preface this by saying im 26 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, which is probably related but i dont know how. I normally have super heavy periods and debilitating cramps, along with discomfort during penetration (or similar activities) on some occasions. Ive tried a couple different birth control options over the years and each one has given me constant cramping. Its weird because the cramping on the pill (2 or 3 different kinds of BC pills in different times of my life) and depoprovera shot were the same in that i would get terrible cramps whenever i did any kind of activity but especially when i stand up from a sitting position. I remember being in college and standing up and having to immediately sit back down hunched over until it passed. I got the depo shot a few months ago and it was the worst thing ever. I had severe cramping with all kinds of movement (and havent been able to even touch myself without setting off the cramps) and after a month of it i started bleeding for a month straight until a doctor gave me estrogen pills on top of it to stop the bleeding. The pills stopped the bleeding but not the cramps, so the plan was for me to wait it out and try an iud next since the medicine would be administered locally instead of by pill or shot through my whole body.... three months during the depo shot i could not exercise or do any physical activity, which of course is making my fibromyalgia and mood worse. I feel like ive lost a whole year to the depo shot, on top of other health problems that have been acting up before the depo. It sucked and im not trying it again. I had about 2 weeks until the mirena iud insertion where i was taking the estrogen pills and still cramping (along with getting a full heavy and bad cramping period during the vitamin-pill week while i waited for the prescription to come in. The cramping was so bad i almost wanted to go to the emergency room, but it lessened by the next day even if i was still going through so many pads.) Before the iud insertion i took a pill the night before which the doctor said could help loosen up my organ to allow for easier insertion since ive never had a kid. I knew i could expect a lot of pain given how sensitive i know i am, but the few people ive heard get them said it was only really painful during and they were fine after, so i figure i could be strong and deal with it if its going to help stop my monthly cramping and bleeding. Turns out the insertion was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life. Normally having a speculum put in already puts me in considerable pain (a speculum feels like a shard of glass shoved in me) but it pales in comparison to getting the iud. I was crying out and struggling to stay still during the proceedure but once it was over i hoped it would start to feel better. It burned with pain and still does days later. I didnt realise i would get severe cramping immediately after the insertion, but i could barely stand up. The doctors had to let me stay in the room for like a half hour before i could limp back to the car. Im lucky i had my mom to drive me home because i could still barely breathe it hurt so badly. I took tylenol about a half hour before the proceedure but i dont think it did anything. I couldnt take advil because of other medicines im taking. So the only other thing i could do is lay there screaming in pain with the heating pad pressed on me. A few hours later my mom had to call an on-call doctor from the same hospital and he said to go to the er so we went. The rest of the night is kind of blurry i was in so much pain and could barely think. The er gave me a painkiller and later a muscle relaxant before telling me i have to stop my other meds so i can take advil. I was there for like 6 hours i think, feeling waves of terrible cramps that feel like a knife is slicing the inside of me - the same feeling as the iud insertion. I feel bad for everyone who had to hear me screaming every 10 minutes and my mom who had to stay with me. The doctors kicked me out immediately after giving me advil and i went home barely able to even walk or move. It took me another 2 hours to manage to fall asleep even though i was so exhausted and had the worst chest and body pain from being so tense at experiencing the worst pain of my life. Nornally, if unmedicated, ill get periods so bad im screaming in pain, but it will only last 1-2 hours until the advil or tylenol kicks in and dulls it down to a bearable ache, so this iud was supposed to be my fall back on options to eliminate cramps. (I really wish the doctor would just let me get a hysterectomy i dont ever want kids and this whole situation is giving me severe gender dysphoria) Yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping off my traumatic er experience and today im still getting really horrible waves of cramping and nausea. Thankfully im not bleeding (...yet?) But it still feels like having a tampon being yanked out of me that wont come out. The knife feeling isnt there so im not screaming, but the cramps are still so bad and i dont know if i need to take it out. The er doctor said to take it out if the advil doesnt help, and that this is most likely anxiety making the pain get out of control. The er nurse said this is normal. Like??? How the fuck to people deal with this im scared about taking it out because thats probably going to hurt even more. I forgot to ask my prescribing doctor if theres a risk for toxic shock or something but like i dont have a fever its just so painful feeling it there. The placement is "right" according to the ultrasounds but it hurts so much and is still giving me cramps I really dont know how anyone could deal with this the whole thing is so upsetting i want it out but i dont want to deal with the proceedure to get it out and that same severe cramping i dont think theyll allow it to be a surgical removal but i wont be able to sit there and deal with it again!!!! Just thinking about all of it is giving me more anxiety too, i have such dysphoria about my internal organs and such a terrible phobia about even having them!!! This amount of cramping should not fucking be "normal" i hate being invalidated at the er like that God i just dont know what to do the cramping is so bad and im still scared of getting an ulcer from the advil. Thats another thing. A year ago i got an ulcer from taking advil because of period cramps, so ive been suffering taking tylenol! Thats why i want a BC that works to get rid of cramps and bleeding!! Now here i am with the worst cramps and bloating of my life!! How am i expected to function like this!!! I dont remember half of the past few days because ive been in so much pain!!! I can only hope this gets better because it feels worse today than it did yesterday, even if its not as bad as the day before when i had the insertion done. The doctor said if im still having the same kind of cramps ive been getting with the other types of birth control after a month i can look into other options (hopefully hysterectomy!!) But thats so far away and i havent been able to practise driving or apply to any jobs because i cant fucking do more than sit or lie down because of the god damn cramps Ive lost like all my personality and enjoyment of life and lost any one i could call a friend because this is consuming me and i cant fucking do anything i hate it i just want something to go right for once i want to be able to exercise again i love exercising and i havent been able to go for a walk without getting winded and severe cramping I cant even find other people that get cramping on birth control when standing up or doing activities so i dont know why this is happening to me ive looked everywhere i can and all i get is dysphoria because """"mensutruation is a womens health problem"""" and my phobia of pregnancy makes it impossible to browse forums I dont know what my point to all this is i just really need to vent because i feel so alone with this specific problem Life sucks and then you die i guess lmao

[dunk-that-touchdown]

Tsuyoshi Kanamori Headcanons

So these were flagged on my other blog since it was littered with so many porn gifs, so I’m reposting them here! Hope yall enjoy em!!

Warning: Spelling mistakes/errors cuz OP doesn’t like to proofread 

_____________________________________________

Relationship:

I’ll start this off by explaining the type of girl he would fall for because the love of my life has very specific tastes (but please know that he would fall for almost anyone, but what I’m about to explain is the type of girl he seeks out):

Okay, so physically, Tsuyoshi likes himself short girls. Yes, I know it’s such a cliche to have a tall man with a short girl but he can’t help himself. He thinks they are so cute and he loves the contrast of their heights. He likes the fact that he can just pick you up when he wants to hug you or kiss you and it absolutely drives him crazy when he holds your hand. It’s so small compared to his and he loves that his hand can clasp around your entire hand. It makes butterflies flutter in his stomach.

He also likes girls that are in the cute category. Once again, it’s a cliche but I will not change my mind on this. Girls with wide eyes, chubby cheeks, sweet smiles, and soft looking features are his weakness. This man would honestly fall to his knees in front of any girl like this because he just can’t handle how cute they are.

Im terms of personality, he loves a girl that has a sort of innocent and motherly kind of nature. There is a lot going on in Tsuyoshi’s  life which causes him a lot of stress. Being a captain of a school team as well as being a third year prepping for exams can really put a lot on his shoulders and he would love to have a girlfriend that would be able to help him relieve some of that stress and take some of his daily duties off his shoulders. Things like coming to help him with his chores, helping him study, giving him gentle reminders of when to take a break or go to sleep, helping him with his meal prep and schedule for sumo would be something he would absolutely love his girlfriend for.

He is also a sucker for innocent girls or at least innocent looking. In addition to wanting to be taken care of, he wants to be able to protect his girlfriend and having them look so innocent makes his drive to protect her even stronger. He would never let any harm befall his girlfriend and if she was ever in danger, he would be there for her as fast as he could.

Honestly, he would even beat up any person that dared to cause his girlfriend mild discomfort. You don’t mess with his girl and get away with it, okay?

Now onto some general relationship headcanons:

There is honestly nothing this man wouldn’t do for you if it meant seeing you smile. He would walk to the ends of the earth for you if it meant it would bring a smile on to your face. Whenever you’re feeling down, you can always expect him to come to your house with bundles of sweet goodies, teddy bears, and kisses to make you feel better. He’s just such a sweet boy.

He’s very protective of you too. He doesn’t want anything bad happening to you at any point and will always go out of his way to make sure that you are safe. He even formed a protection squad for you comprised of all the first years of the sumo club and some other delinquents from his school. They escort you home when Tsuyoshi can’t do so himself, they watch out for you when you’re out with your friends in a sketchy looking neighborhood and they even come to your house to help you make dinner from time to time because eventually they are going to become your ‘sons’

To be honest, you’ll end up as he mother of the sumo club and no one questions it. They all call you mother and treat you with the utmost respect.

He is kind of shy around you but trust me when I say that it’s so adorable. Like in the beginning of your relationship he gets so flustered by the smallest things that you do. If you laugh at a joke he made, his cheeks will turn a bright pink and he’ll try to look away from you so that you won’t be able to see it but you would have spotted it and it’s just… so cute. If you tease him at all about it, he’ll just stutter and fumble around his words, only making him cuter.

He is such a sweet boyfriend. Like I know I already said this but it’s fucking true. Even though he looks like he could fucking kill you with his bare hands, Tsuyoshi is an absolute teddy bear and only ever wants to see you smiling and happy. Home boy honestly loves for your smile and if anything ever made you sad, he would be right there to help bring a smile back onto your face.

There is honestly nothing this man wouldn’t do for you if it meant seeing you smile. He would walk to the ends of the earth for you if it meant it would bring a smile on to your face. Whenever you’re feeling down, you can always expect him to come to your house with bundles of sweet goodies, teddy bears, and kisses to make you feel better.

He is also very much a gentleman. He treats you with the utmost respect and care and won’t let you waste your precious energy on anything if he has the power or opportunity to do it for you. So things like opening doors for you, pushing in your chair, paying for food, fixing your sink, or wiping your tears away when you cry are all the hints he will and wants to do for you. You are his everything and there is nothing that is going to stop him from providing for you. 

Now it’s canon that Tsuyoshi is a shy boyo. He gets flustered around women pretty easily and has a hard time talking them and when it comes to his girlfriend, he’s even more so, especially when it comes to forms of affection during the beginning of your relationship. He is afraid that he might hurt you or make you uncomfortable because his hands are so big and usually just waits for you to initiate any kind of physical affection because he just has too many worries when it comes to being the one to touch you first.

However, as your relationship progresses, he’ll be a little more forward and begin to imitate forms of affection first. He’d start off with simple hand holding or letting you latch onto his arm as you both walk together or sit beside each other. There is nothing this man loves more than just having you close to him and he’s always dreamed about you holding his hand and having it actually become a reality just makes him so happy. Eventually he will become a lot more comfortable with touching you and will go for bolder approaches to affection like kissing you, hugging you, and just overall touching you.

But honestly he’s a Slut holding your hand and kissing your forehead though. The gesture is just so soft and innocent and intimate and he just lives for it. He also just loves playing with your fingers randomly, comparing them to his and intertwining them and planting soft kisses on them. Compared to his, your hands and fingers are just so dainty and cute and he can’t help but admire them any chance he gets.

Actually, this guy just likes touching you in general. Tsuyoshi is he type of man that will want to be around you 24/7 because he just loves you so much and always wants to know that you’re doing well. Wherever you go, he will always have some part of him touching you, but like I said, holding your hand is his favorite thing to do. Other than that, it’s having an arm around your waist or linking your arms together when you’re walking.

He gets you flowers every other day with the cutest little hand written card that reminds you of how much he loves. Each bouquet of flowers he gets you always has a meaning to it and a card to match (even though his handwriting is a little sloppy). One day you’ll get a bouquet of Arbutus flowers to show that he loves only you with a heartfelt letter going into detail as to why he loves you. The next day you’ll get a bouquet of daffodils to show his desire to love you and how he wants to show affection at any given moment with yet another letter going into detail. However, the flowers he loves getting you most often are roses. It’s pretty cliche but he thinks they’re just as beautiful as you and they are such a universal symbol of love, though he never gets you them in a bouquet. It’s only ever a single rose and he always gives them to you in person along with a sweet kiss.

My husband is super sweet and cute, alright.

He’s the type of boyfriend that will take as long as it needs to understand you and how you’re feeling. The last thing he’ll get want is for you to be upset and will let you take your anger out on him if need be. He’ll sit with you for as long as you need, letting you rant to him and tell him exactly why you’re upset. If it has nothing to do with anger or sadness and you just want to talk to him about something that you’re not comfortable with or familiar with, he will be all ears for you. He wants to be someone you can go to to talk about anything, grounding you and keeping you comfortable and safe.

He’s also the type of boyfriend to do the most ridiculous or mundane things for you when you’re on your period. He will go to hell and back to get you something that probably doesn’t even exist because you mentioned it in your sleep or something. Yoshi just wants you to be comfortable and feel little to no pain when you’re on your period. If you need something to punch because your cramps are too much to handle, go ahead and punch him. He doesn’t mind. He would even suggest it. If you need to cry, he has two free shoulders for you to cry on as well as a vacant lap that you can sit on to cuddle up to him if you need. He’s just very accommodating and understands that what you are going through is painful and will do all that he can to help. If there is stuff he doesn’t know, you bet he’s going to do research if you complain about something he doesn’t quite understand.

Loves having you nap with him!!! Like listen, this man is the softest and warmest person on his team and cuddling with him is like a dream. After he’s eaten his chanko and it’s time for a nap, he’ll call you over just so he can have you in his arms, sleeping peacefully cuddled to his chest. It’s honestly the cutest thing waking up to him because he does that sucky thing in his sleep. Yunno what I’m talking about? Babies do it in their sleep when they don’t have a pacifier and they’re just sucking on their tongue or lower lip. Yoshi does that and it’s just so heart melting seeing him do it. (Though he will deny it if you ever bring it up)

Lunch dates are a must. Almost all your dates happen during lunch, whether or at school or otherwise. He is usually the one to make lunch and then take a bus or train over to your school and eat with you. He is a very good cook and always makes you your favorite foods and desserts and feels such a great sense of pride when you compliment his work.

However, he does have a certain fondness for the sea so he’ll take you on his father’s boat for a date. He likes taking you to different areas in the ocean and telling you all about it since he’s a bit of a marine biology nerd. He knows all there is to know about marine life and can identify almost any sea animal or plant. It’s so captivating seeing how passionately he talks about everything and you can’t help but blush when he answered a question you have for him in such expert detail.

He’s actually very in tune with sea animals as well and they actually like him back?!? So lots of dates where he takes you swimming with different types of fish and maybe even a dolphin or two. He loves the look on your face when you see all the different fish and tries to take as many pictures of you as he can whilst in the water.

Listen, Tsuyoshi is a big guy and being a big guy means he needs big clothes and his clothes are just always so warm and big and comforting, so it’s only natural that you steal them, right?

He just… he loves seeing you in his clothes man. It’s just so cute to him. If you wear his signature black shirt, he’ll probably die from how hot his cheeks will get at the sight of you. The way his shirt just engulfs your body and makes you look so innocent and angelic is just too much for him.

Speaking of clothes, you guys totally match! You were the one to convince him to do it and he actually really likes it. Whenever you go out on dates or to a get together with some friends, you guys always make it a point to match clothes with each other. It doesn’t have to be exact but matching colors and maybe shirts is something you both do often and everyone thinks it’s just so cute seeing you too like that. This big intimidating dude wearing a matching pink shirt with his sweet and short girlfriend is just a heart stopper for everyone.

Lives for your selfies. Every time you send him a picture of yourself, he always feels his knees go weak and his heartbeat flutter in his chest. You are just so cute and beautiful to him and he saves each and every photo you send to him. It doesn’t matter if they actual cute photos or ones with you wearing a face mask on after only having 2 hours of sleep, he is going to cherish each one.

However, he Doesn’t really take his own though. He isn’t really a photo taking kind of guy and always thinks he looks odd in pictures. It’s usually you taking candid pictures of him and sending them to him to have as well as keeping

You guys have the cutest pet names for each other! He loves calling you things like: “Muffin, sweetie, gumdrop, bright eyes, and sugarplum” he thinks those are names that fit you so well and loves using them for you. On your side, calling him: “(teddy) bear, babe, Tiger, Tsu-chan, and honey bear” are some names that both you and him like.

Tsuyoshi loves kids and babies but he is absolutely horrible with them, though not on purpose. Young kids just find him so scary looking and he almost always makes them cry when they make contact with him but he tries his best to make em smile again.

Often times, he gets a bit down when babies cry around him because he really does love kids and he’d like to have a few of his own someday with you.

When he gets all upset about it, you’ll have to come and comfort him. He just doesn’t understand why babies are so afraid of him when all he wants to do is play with em.

I can totally see Tsuyoshi having a bunch of girls and then a single boy. He would have at least four girls and a baby boy as his last child and he would spoil them all to hell.

His first born girl would be his absolute princess and for a while he would be wrapped around her finger, doing any and everything she wanted him to do. Though, she wouldn’t ever want much because she’s such a shy sweetie pie that loves her father to pieces.

He would then have twin girls that are just so rambunctious and energetic that he has a hard time keeping up with them.

His last girl would be much like her mother and yet again, he would be wrapped around her finger.

His son would be like a mini version of him and he loves it so much. He would teach his son how to protect his mother and sisters and how to treat women with respect and it’s just so cute seeing this mini Tsuyoshi waddle around trying to make sure all of his older sisters are okay and giving his mother tissues and hugs and kisses throughout the day to show his affection.

NSFW:

Okay, let's start off with this big boys dick. It’s fucking thick, okay? His cock is a little on the shorter side, being 5.3 inches long but holy shit it is too thick to be real. His cock could do some serious damage to you if you don’t properly prepare beforehand. Not to mention that he’s a bit of a grower too but not by much since it’s only 5.5 inches once fully erect. You can bet that he also has some pretty impressive veins on his cock too that are pretty sensitive~! The tip of his cock matches the girth of his shaft and it’s such a good feeling having it go inside you. It’s also full of rich pink tones that are honestly so drool worthy because it makes his cock look so pretty. A pretty cock for a pretty man.

He also has a lot of pubic hair though he shaves it in a way that you can’t really see it when he wears his mawashi belt but he doesn’t do it often. He doesn’t really tend to his pubes all that much because he just doesn’t really see the point in shaving it all away if it’s just going to grow back. If he has an important bout he is taking part in, then he will shave down a little bit just so that you can’t see much of his pubic hair, but he leaves the rest of it unattended.

He actually quite likes the way his pubic area looks with all the hair and thinks it’s a lot manlier than being completely bare down there. This goes for his girlfriend too. He likes his girl a bit bushier than the norm. It’s not a necessity, but he just thinks it makes his girlfriend a lot more natural and womanly when they have at least some pubic hair but he’s overall satisfied if she wants to keep herself bare or not.

Now like I said before, Tsuyoshi is a pretty shy man when it comes to women… but dude does have some experience under his belt. Mostly during his second year, Tsuyoshi was chased after by a lot of girls from different schools due to his performances in his bouts. Who wouldn’t love seeing that tall ass man and his thick thighs take down other men so easily? One or two girls would have been luckier than others by having taken Tsuyoshi to bed with them, but that’s about it.

With that being said, Tsuyoshi knows what he is doing and is going to treat you very well when he makes love to you. Yup, you heard me right. Home boy makes love to you. Rough fucking is good and all but what he really wants to do is take his time with you, let you feel him and how much he burns for you.

He is a gentleman in the streets but a freak in the sheets. He is a dirty man. Very dirty~! His sex drive is a normal for a man at his age, thinking about sex and women whenever he has a moment to spare. With being a part of the sumo club, he hasn’t really had a lot of experience with women (like I said, he’s only really been with one or two girls sexually in his life) but he has had a lot of time to think about some rather raunchy sexual fantasies he would just love to try out with someone he has really found a good connection with.

He is very skilled when it comes to using his tongue and fingers. He could honestly make you cum ten times over with just his fingers or his tongue.

His fingers are thick and long, good for reaching deep inside you and really giving your pissy a good stretch. All he ever needs is a single finger to really prepare you well for his cock because that’s just how fucking thick they are. Not to mention that they are pretty calloused too so the texture of them against your soft, wet folds is to die for.

Now this boy’s tongue… holy hell his tongue. It’s wide as hell and was basically made for eating out some good pussy. He likes to eat you or slowly, lapping up at you with long, slow livks that are bound to drive you insane. He enjoys taking his time to really taste you and build you up to a slow burning orgasm before you both get down to the real business.

Long, deep thrusts is what Tsuyoshi is best at. Sex with him is always pretty slow, but it’s incredibly intense. He wants you to be able to feel each and every movement he makes, feel his thick cock sliding in and out of you, how it stretches you and makes you moan. He likes to be able to bury himself deep inside you before pulling out and seeing if he can get even deeper. He thinks it’s the perfect way to have sex because the build up is so hot and frustrating but then the finish is so blissful and intense.

Tsuyoshi doesn’t mind having sex in the missionary position or whatever position you suggest, but a few positions that he really likes are:

Concubine - this is a type of doggy style position that allows for good penetration and lots of touching on the male’s part. Since Tsuyoshi is such a slut for touching you, it’s the perfect position for him. He can control the pace as well as touch you all over whenever he pleases. He can have his hands on your hips, holding you tight as he thrusts himself into you or he can leave forward a bit and cup your breasts and whisper sweet nothings into your ear as he fucks you nice and slow.

London Bridge - this is a sex position that allows for lots of face to face contact and plenty of deep penetration. This is perfect or the both of you because in this position, once again Tsuyoshi can control the pace and tough you how he pleases, but he also has access to a special little place on you that he knows will drive you wild: your clit. When in this position, when you’re getting closer and closer to your climax, he will pinch and play with your clit slowly, helping push you over the edge and cum hard around his cock.

Eagle - now if you’re anything like me, you love having a man put his weight on you and this is exactly what this position calls for. Again, lots of deep penetration and clitoral stimulation and him controlling the pace. You both will be able to see one another and all of the pleasures faces you make as he fucks You into the sheets.

Time for his kinks!!!

Tsuyoshi is hella into biting! Now, he doesn’t like to do so roughly because he is afraid of hurting you, but he does like to nibble and bite you hard enough to leave light marks on you. He just needs to put his mouth and teeth on you when he feels himself sinking deeper into the pleasure that you are surrounding him in. However, when he does this, he doesn’t moan as much which really sucks because his moans are so freaking sweet.

Mutual masturbation is something he is into. He thinks it’s so hot being comfortable enough around each other to be able to masturbate in front of one another. He likes to watch you tend to yourself, showing him all the ways in which you liked to be touched as he does the same for you. This usually happens in the beginning stages of your relationship, but he still enjoys doing it when you guys are deep into your relationship or even when you are married.

Face sitting!!!! Face sitting drives this man fucking insane! He loves having his head between your thighs, your pussy sopping wet and waiting for his tongue and mouth. He likes feeling you shake and try to grab onto him when he eats you out like this. And the sounds you let out makes him so weak, he can’t help but let out long groans of satisfaction at each little sound you make.

Light spanking. I say light because he doesn’t really want to hurt you at all but he still wants to spank you a bit. The man has big ass, heavy ass, thick ass hands that are bound to leave more than just a little mark on you if he spanks you. He is very cautious when he spanks you and mainly adds it into foreplay rather than doing it during the actual act of sex.

He has a pretty big impregnation kink. He wants to cum deep inside you, giving you everything he has before pulling out and plugging you up with his fingers. He likes the thought of it potentially getting you pregnant even though he pretty much knows it won’t since you’re on a pretty good protection plan but he still likes to hope. It’s a huge turn on for him, having you carry his child. He doesn’t know where he picked up such a kink from but I’m sure it’ll never fade.

Did I mention he’s an ass man? This man just… loves your ass so much. He loves kissing it, biting it, spanking it, and dare I fucking say he likes eating it as well. Just anything to do with your ass, he wants to drown himself in it. Even out of the bedroom, he likes to lay on your ass or give it a little squeeze or a pinch every now and again.

Loves leaving love marks on your thighs and ass! Can’t forget that. It makes him so hot seeing all his little love marks littered over your thighs. He likes to place kisses on them after sex or run his fingers along them. Doing so almost always gets him back in the mood and ready to make some more.

How could I forget thigh riding?!?! Please ride his thigh, it’s so sexy to him. Especially when you’re desperate and needy to get off. It’s like his way of teasing you. He’ll have you sit on his thigh, completely naked and already dripping for him. He’ll instruct you on how fast you’re allowed to go and when you’re allowed to cum. As you’re riding his thigh he’ll play with your nipples, bringing one into his mouth and sucking on it as his hands fondle your ass or your clit. It’s such an intense experience, especially when he makes you look at him when you cum.

[spontaneoushiccups-blog]

What a year. I can hear Iris shouting from her crib in the other room, boisterously rejecting her afternoon nap. She is tall and big- with magically copper colored hair and light, twinkly blue eyes. Everywhere we go everyone falls in love with her. Her charisma is pure magic. She looks right at you and smiles coyly. She buries her head in your chest and looks up at you with a big toothy grin- binky still in her mouth. She shrieks at the top of her lungs with vigorous demand for food or attention or just a laugh. It takes a lot of willpower for me not to say to every stranger who comments on her undeniable charm, “you have no idea. This kid has gracefully survived in her first year more medical trauma than you will probably see in your entire life.” I used to tell everyone she came into contact with- but I’ve learned that it freaks people out. Sometimes I still do it, but I find joy in knowing how much her light lights up every room- even without anyone knowing what a tremendous gift her light actually is. All the things she has been through- what we have been through together.

It’s been nearly 10 months since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write about all of this. At moments it was too hard. In other moments I was just too tired to look at it. As I sit in our brightly lit living room on a perfect, clear, cold green spring day in Portland on the eve of my beautiful baby’s birthday, I am compelled to. So much has happened. In June- while on the coast with our family we got a call that her BT Shunt was bent and could fail at any moment- giving us just a few moments to save her failing heart, and that we had to drop everything and go immediately back to Portland, directly to the chlidren’s hospital and prepare for her to have her Glenn heart operation 2 months premature (and those were 2 important months.) So we left. We sent our 5 year old to California and we drove as fast we could to the hospital. We listened to Kid A the whole way and cried. We got there and there she laid- smiling and pale in a new hospital room, gentle and patient with the wires and the beeping- the constant prodding and poking, adjusting, testing. Until after a few days of monitoring her- the maternal instinct of the fill in cardiologist (ours was in Korea and no one could reach him) canceled the surgery hours before it was to take place. Then just-like-that we were home again and the turmoil calmed and it was another “until next time.” We just had to get our other daughter back from California.

Then there was the feeding tube. The fucking feed tube. She would pull it out and we would be stunned by her beautiful, bare face- not realizing how normalized we had become to that awful yellow tube with its big slab of taciderm tape across her perfect, plump cheek. She would often, quite proudly, pull it out. Every single time we had to put it back up her tiny nostril, and force it down her throat- causing our tiny baby who we were told not to “let cry” because of her heart, would scream in pain and discomfort. I physically couldn’t do it. Major respect to my wonderful husband who reinserted it every single time. My job was to pin down her little arms as she squirmed and screamed. I would carefully cut the taciderm tape into the shape I had perfected with so much practice. He would put in the tube, and as fast as I could I would lay down the pad, stretch the tape just slightly and stick it to her sweet, sad face. We would usually chase the experience down with a shot of vodka. We eventually joked that the stress was so intense, afterward it was like trying to sedate a wild rhinoceros- our skin was too tough to penetrate, even with vodka. It just made us feel a little less like we were on fire. A nurse once told me that they surveyed patients and providers alike about what the most upsetting outpatient procedure to perform or endure was. It was hands down the NG tube for both patient and medical personnel. Worse than an IV, worse than a G-tube, worse than setting a bone. So at least everyone hates it as much as us, I guess.

Once she started getting big enough to be interested in food that wasn’t formula- we opted to have a GTube placed surgically in her stomach so that the NG living in her throat wouldn’t potentially affect her long term love of food (an important quality in this family.) Once placed- we never ended up using it. Im told this is a common phenomenon. The minute that tube left her face- she started eating (and growing) really well. Because it had to be surgically placed- as a precaution it had to go six months without use before we could remove it. That six months officially came this last Saturday. After we were given a blessing on the phone by the general surgery team- Ryan and I rather nervously deflated the little water balloon that kept it steady in her belly and pulled it out right out. She hardly even noticed. We covered it with a bandaid and within a matter of a few hours, the pencil sized hole turned into a closed up wink of scar tissue. Just like that. It feels incredible to hold her and feel her soft belly without that awkward, plastic button poking through.

At the end of August- at the appropriately scheduled time she went in for her Glenn heart surgery. She had a pre-cath procedure to determine the size of her arteries (nice and plump) and we were hoping that her anatomy would reveal that she was a good candidate for the “Cath Fontan” a new procedure they are starting to do more regularly here in Oregon that would make it so her chest would not have to be reopened for her third surgery, the Fontan, between the ages of 3 and 5. In order to do it they would have to etch a little patch in her heart while her chest was open during the Glenn. Anytime a child’s (or anyone I assume) sternum is opened they have to go through 8-10 weeks of sternal precautions, meaning no torque whatsoever to her arms, and no lifting from her armpits. Not as difficult to do on a baby that you can just scoop right up- but a bit of a logistical nightmare for a 4 year old who would probably want to be held. So the idea of instead going through her thigh, a much shorter hospital stay, and an overall less traumatic experience for her (us) was beyond appealing. (Not even to mention that Iris will have no memory whatsoever of her surgeries this year- but by 3 or 4 years old will.) We were given a photo of her heart and all her arteries- like a tiny tree with sinewy branches reaching out, stark white against a black backdrop. They told us it didn’t look like she would be a good candidate for the cath fontan, afterall.

So another morning came and another anesthesiologist explained how they would put her under. Again a surgeon drew the little diagram of her unique little heart and explained in a foreign language what they were about to do. Again we signed all the papers and kissed her on her little forehead and a team of medical professionals wheeled her down the hall away from us. We went to the garden and prayed (something I never used to do, but often do now.) We waited in the gorgeous family waiting room with 11 foot tall windows looking out against the fremont bridge that arches across the twinkling Willamette river. Hours before I expected to see or hear anything the surgeon came in to talk to us. I was scared. He was gentle and soft spoken. She was out! She had done a great job and was already waking up from anesthesia, her little striped orange kitty rattle still at her side. He was pleased to tell us that once he got an actual look at her heart (something I will never be able to fathom) that she was a perfect candidate for the cath fontan, afterall. We burst into tears.

And then we were out of interstage. I will never forget the day the medical supplies company came and took away her oxygen tanks, her scale, her blood oximeter. In many ways I feel like interstage was an extension of my traumatic pregnancy. That once the Glenn was over the stork finally arrived and brought me this beautiful, smiling baby. The summer was such a blur of chaos, sadness, stress. I felt like death was sitting in the corner of every room and then one day- he was gone. Sometimes I still see him out of the corner of my eye. Who after all is safe from death? Not one of us. But I’m not so constantly reminded anymore. In the place of that worry- of seeing mortality with xray vision, all the time, every day, I instead can marvel at the way Iris melts every stranger at the grocery store. I weep every time she falls asleep, heavy on my chest. A few weeks ago I stepped out of the shower and there she was standing in her crib, big and strong and beautiful with her bright red, magic hair glowing from the sun behind her, and she looked me right in the eyes and put her arms up and said “Mama!” for the very first time. I felt it all the way in my toes. I used to love to tell people the enormity of what she went through- to watch their eyes widen as I reminded them of their own mortality- but now I know better how to quietly, graciously, understand that lurking under the skin of every darkness- there is beauty, and it was always there.

[stonerdoesnothing]

(Lots of spelling errors, I just need to vent)

I had an argument with this one guy "not all men are horrible" yes. This is true. But tell me, how come every male ive encountered in my life has done something to fuck me over or sexually assaulted me. You're "not all men" is dangerous in the fact you're trying to tell women their experiences mean nothing. My experiences mean nothing.

As a young girl, not evem 7 yet, not knowing any better i was sexually asaulted by boys my age who i believed where my friends. They kissed me, touches me in inappropriate places and attempted to go further .

During that same year boys who seemed about 10 or 12 surrounded me and demanded me to take my clothes off when i was 7, only reason i survived my brother came in to help me before it got too far.

Another time in elementary school i was continuously grabbed by the vagina by boys older than me, i was shamed into silence because i believe this was normal.

My mother slept around with men. I woks up to physical fights and arguments, waking up to watching my mother and step father hitting each other in the hall way right outside ny door, that same step father handcuffed me to my bedframe to keeo me from leaving the house when i was home alone one day. Brothers were spending the night at their friend's places, mom gone for a few days sleeping around and shooting up meth.

My older brother was sexually assaulted by our grandfather on my mother's side, his name was Paul and he wasn't biologically related to us but still, he is s a disgusting predator who targeted my brother when He was a young boy and a young teenager.

A year later i was friends with my brother's friends little sister, whenever i went to their house the boy constantly pulled me into his room, under the blankets and in his bed. He would kiss me despite the fact he was 2 years old than my 9 year old self, and best friends with my brothers. I didnt know any better, i believe this was all I was meant for.

Middle school, these boys Chris, and David, they continually sexualized me, touching me, said degrading things to me and manipulated me into believing that was all my worth was and i believed them.

A man online pressured and threatened to track me diwn and kill me if i didnt send pictures of myself, naked pictures. To this day im terrified to find them online somewhere.

In high school i let the guys fuck me, use me, degrade me as if i was worth nothing. Because thats all i thought i was. My ex boyfriend Aaron got upset when i didnt send him pictures. My ex Diego fucked me in the woods, while cheating on me with three other girls, emotionally degrading me and shaming me while using me as his own toy until i put my foot down. That was me first time standing up for myself, i was a Jr in High school.

The only time i felt worthy of love and care was from my ex girlfriend Elissa, but even then she only used me as an experiment and while in pain i had sex with my friend Jared a few weeks after. And after that he wouldnt. Stop. Touching me. Even after i told him nothing rkmantic will come from this,vit was a one time thing and he said "okay, i understand" but he kept going. Only until i snapoed at jim did he finally get it an backed off.

After that i found a guy named Jay. He made me do things i was uncomfortable with "dont worry, you can do it" despite my clesr discomfort and countless "no's" this will be my third time standing up for myself. He wss a creep, a stalker that had a weird fucking foot fetish. Now i cant take my socks off without being severely uncomfortable. I hate my feet, i hate them now. It makes me sk damn uncomfortable.

Then Justin. He would pick me up from work, take me to his house, fuck me and sleep. He wouldnt touch me after that, he would sleep with his back to me, away. I fell asleep crying multiple times and did he ever reassure me? No, he just left for his shift in the morning, leaving me in his apartment for 10 hours. Nothing to do, i cant go anywhere. When he cane home he would expect me to clean HIS apartment and make HIM food. After a month of this he breaks up with me telling me "I was too much, i was too much drama and i was just using him for emotional stability and that i was too clingy after he ghosted me for two weeks and i asked just twice "why are you ignoring me?"

And thats not even all.

When women say most men, we mean most men. I never had a guy friend who didnt sexualize me, that didnt try to fuck me, that didnt degrade me. Im sick and tired of your fucking fragile masculinity, accept men are trash and do something to fix it rather than victim blame and throwing a fucking fit.

[apsbicepstraining]

‘Birth control is a political act’: the pre-Trump contraception hasten starts now

In fear of what the new presidency will mean for reproductive privileges, women in the US are hastening to lock IUDs

On Wednesday morning, gynecologist Deborah Ottenheimer went to work defined not to talk about the election. I never do that, she says. You exactly never know where people are at. But as her entrances opened, she swiftly realised she wouldnt have a choice. Every single patient that marched in burst into weepings, she says. Women and girls were sobbing. Just sobbing. Everybody was wrecked.

Ottenheimers New York City clinic plowed roughly 40 patients the day after Donald Trump was elected, and the only thing more rare than their rips was that so many of them had these questions: Should I get an IUD?

Feminists, queer and transgender activists accumulate to protest Donald Trump. Photo: Pacific Press/ LightRocket via Getty Images

This tiny T-shaped plastic-and-copper coil, designed to stop an egg and seman from surviving in the womb, has become an unlikely weapon on the frontline of womens claims. These are not people who were thinking about it already or were miserable with their current technique, says Ottenheimer. These beings were afraid.

In fear of what a Trump presidency might mean for reproductive claims, thousands of women on social media have urged one another to seek out better access to IUDs, a structure of birth control that they are able last-place anywhere from three to 12 years. Trump has promised to defund Planned Parenthood, the reproductive health organisation that offer contraception to numerous women around the US, and dismantle the Affordable Care Act, which guarantees better access to contraception. Depending on the label, an IUD inserted before Trumps inauguration guarantees that a woman is protected from unwanted maternity for the length of his presidency and beyond. Its a fuck you to this president to get family planning that will outlasted him, says Margot Judge, a 25 -year-old from New York who is considering get an IUD this week.

Since the election, Ottenheimer says she has continued to be overwhelmed with requests about the device, and she is not alone. Planned Parenthood has reported a spike in asks while Google reported a massive flower in searches for IUD this week. And while this stair towards self-protection is a measure of reassurance, plenty of the status of women continue deeply unsure about what the future holds.

Contrived Parenthood allies rally for reproductive healthcare. Picture: Nick Ut/ AP

For me, my reason is fright, says Jennifer, 35, from Maryland. For the past eight years, weve read expanded healthcare and more recognition of reproduction privileges but I recollect how tense concepts were under George Bush. So, for me, theres a sense that I need to protect myself because I dont think lawmakers will.

Jennifer has thought about going an IUD before, but experiences urged to get one now. She says that the hysterium she has noticed among women after the election has left her detect unsettled about making a decision. I dont like the sentiments of being covered into a angle. I feel like I am being raced, like Im having to make a decision right now that I would like to be more astute about.

Even without the threat of a pussy-grabbing chairwoman, IUDs make a lot of women anxious. They are the third most popular species of contraception in the US and the best available anatomy of reversible contraception available but it requires a medical procedure, and fibs of perforated uteruses, heavy bleeding and painful cramps have long communicated wives running to the pill instead.

A mass rally on the fourth date after such elections. Photo: Pacific Press/ LightRocket via Getty Images

However, gynaecologists contend complications are rare. Ottenheimer says that, while there are other forms of long-term birth control such as the implant( inserted in the arm, lasting up to 3 years ), IUDs are a really good option for most women. Clare Lyons, a registered nurse who pushed wives to get an IUD on the night of the election, is indicated that IUDs are fantastically safe and that females should get informed about whether it might be a good option for them. Ultimately, my letter is to make an appointment with a provider; figure out what is best for you.

Ayelet Bitton, a 25 -year-old software engineer from San Francisco, has read a few horror fibs about IUDs, which have always regarded her back from getting one. But now she is re-evaluating. I used to say I didnt want to deal with going it inserted, or the fear that it are likely to be removed. But now I want to reconsider all of that, she says. Because the stress of something going wrong with my IUD is a lot less than the stress Ill have if this other substance happens.

Hannah Weinberger is also reconsidering the downsides. The 26 -year-old from Amaeus, Pennsylvania, is an avid cyclist. She was once put off having the methods used to avoid physical side-effects that could stop her from cycling. But now that has changed. My strong inclinations about being able to take control of my mas means that temporary discomfort doesnt[ concern] very much to me any more.

Most wives cite two reasons for wanting to get an IUD: was intended to take advantage of their current claim to free contraception, and uncertainty about rising costs of contraception in the future. But theres another reason, too.

A #GOPHandsOffMe protest outside Trump Tower. Picture: Pacific Press/ LightRocket via Getty Images

Contraception is a feminist issue, says Weinberger. Going an IUD signifies I have a tool in my body that the government cant style. Attaining my own option about what my body is possible and cannot do in the face of an administration that wants to change that is a political act.

And gives be clear, this administration does very much want to change that. Although Trump has flip-flopped on abortion and has seemingly softened his attitude on Obamacare, Mike Pence, his beady-eyed operate mate, has been vehemently opposed to reproductive privileges throughout his political career. He signed a whopping eight anti-abortion legislations into rule in fewer than four years as head of Indiana, including one that mandated women impound burials for their aborted foetuses and allowed hospitals to repudiate abortions to ladies even if they would die without care.

So, while an IUD is a form of armour that women can use to shield themselves against Pence and Trumps crusade to control their bodies, theres still conclude for women to be anxious about their future in Trumpland.

Even if I decide to get an IUD today, says Jennifer, how do I know that in a few years Ill be able to see someone to get it taken out?

The post ‘Birth control is a political act’: the pre-Trump contraception hasten starts now appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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[former-cannibal-3]

idk im not feeling too great rn, but i'll try not to whine too much okay

lack of motivation and lack of energy both suck ass, and ive been reminded of the unfortunate reality that the bras i own are broken and trying to stab me (the unfortunate circumstances of developing large breasts also means that i cant just pick up a $20 bra at target, the only things that actually HELP are $90+ im screaming for real okay i cannot fucking WAIT to be rid of these things that burden my body and mind and if i wouldnt bleed out i would cut them off myself) and all but one pair of pants i own are old, have holes in them, or i can’t bike in so whats the point (i went to go get pants and couldnt find any that fit me in my price range so i got shorts instead t the time, but now im afraid of wearing them because my stockings are also ripped and old and i cant have my gross legs seen by the public, i know shocking a+ reason to not go outside lmao). my mouth is increasingly awful to deal with, i cant sleep without waking up to pain, i cant fucking eat most things anymore cuz i cant fucking chew properly... my mask broke yesterday, did some temporary stitching so i could go out still but the breaking seems almost like a sign and another burden on me regarding the discomfort of idk being alive i guess lmao.

in other words, discomfort about how i look keeps me from wanting to leave the house, and i feel myself wanting to isolate away from my friends more and more lately. it’s kinda shitty since i was invited somewhere and also was/am supposed to go dye a friends hair today. and in the vaguest way possible i wish i could tell them i was not really feeling up to going out, and not really willing to be a factor in someone’s hair color (and now my BF wants me to keep up with his too and just aaa), i am not qualified and every single time i do this i get more and more upset about it.

i can do nothing for others without feeling like i have screwed up and i hate the feeling and want nothing to do with it anymore, but what the fuck am i supposed to say to my friends? no?

who the fuck says no to anyone???

see this is exactly why i hate myself right now.

please dont take this the wrong way. 

im exhausted. i hate being alive right now. im sure i’ll be okay but like... idk. it comes in waves or something. waves of isolation and exhaustion and discomfort with like everything but especially myself and the state of being something physical and existing in flesh rather than as some nebulous fog of consciousness and experience, okay strike that i would rather not have any experiences anymore anyway. all i wanna do is float in a void and sleep, maybe wake up to do something enjoyable like sdvx or something.

you know life’s got you fucked up when the reasons you can think of to stay alive and make an effort in bothering to keep yourself fed, showered and rested boil down to essentially rhythm games and fictional characters lmao. even with real people who i have lasting relationships with are something i cant handle right now, i need to isolate myself and be alone for like a year i stfg.

but i have obligations to continue working, or rather drawing. i need money if im gonna fix any of the issues i have with myself and HOPEFULLY i’ll feel better. maybe some day i’ll feel good enough to do things out of the house with people. maybe some day i’ll feel good enough that i wont reel away from physical contact. maybe some day i’ll feel good enough that i wont feel like im snubbing my bf when i refuse contact. maybe some day i’ll feel good enough that i wont cry in response to contact in the first place.

[rose-goldthoughts]

Rambling...

I’m sad and on & off angry. My thoughts are all over. i was to vent abut it from yesterday but I didn’t. Ive been in so much pain first the ovarian cyst then my period plus my usual fibromyalgia and uctd pain. I got so upset today when lyn cam by and asked what was wrong I said “in pain and grumpy” then he jokingly replied that I basically always am, and my mom added to the joke stating this is what she has to deal with. imagine SHE has to deal with. I know they were joking but fuck it it wasn’t the time or place Im literally suffering trying to keep my fucking shit together and do every fucking thing a regular person is to do in addition to my many physical and mental ailments ,,,lost my fucking train of thought crying.... :/ [[a moment of brain fog]] Ye I just wish for one day an entire 24 hours, everyone that is of some importance to me in life would experience all and I mean ALL the symptoms I have EVER had at my worst, from my illness. I mean they get the vasculitis, tinnitus, paresthesia, the burning skin, itching, fever, crippling migraine, costochondritis, raynauds, swelling, paralysis, hypersensitivity to sound and light, the allodynia, the hyperalgesia, gastrointestinal discomforts, vertigo, hair loss, brain fog, anxiety, depression, fevers, olfactory hallucination, everything else and dont forget side effects from the fuck ton of medication and etc. I wish for 24 hours they could all experience that shit at it’s worse AND be expected to wake up go to work and function “normally” and deal with persons saying “you look like death” “ what’s wrong?” “you are too young to be sick” and the barrage of other questions and comments. OH and don’t forget all the suddenly qualified experts that always know the “cure” be it exercise, some natural herb/plant, vitamin, or some other shit that they are oh so confident will cure your illness because ye it is that simple. Sounds cruel huh? ye I thought so too, but I just want them to have it for only 24 hours  don’t ant them to die obviously or have any long term effects (other than knowledge/understanding) after the 24 hour period, they would go back to complete normality after  that. I think that would have them understand what it is like to struggle, feel alone, suffer and constantly fight both mentally and physically just to cope with life. I often wish this shit was terminal, just hear that “ you have 6 months to a year “ speech,  at least I could look forward to an “end”