#because if i wrote it first i would not have been motivated to write anything else after it

[andhumanslovedstories]

I am not closely following the election results tonight, but I am occasionally seeing flashes of them out of the corner of my eye. The most obvious sign that things aren’t going well right now is the complete lack of celebrating on my dash. I know what tumblr looks like when it’s happy. Maybe I’ll go to bed tonight and see something different in the morning. I hope to god that is the case. But I’m thinking about the way I’m thinking right now, and I want to get some stuff down before the future kicks in.

In 2016 I was in a period of my life I affectionately refer to as as my fuckup era. I wasn’t even fucking up really. More just chilling out and falling short of the vague expectations I’d had about what I was supposed to be doing after I graduated college. While my friends from college rented apartments in the city and got jobs that didn’t supply you with a uniform shirt, I lived at home and worked as a barista at a fancy movie theater. That’s a real job you can do for almost five years. I didn’t have a clue what the back half of my twenties should look like. The only long term plan I had in my life was moving out west with my best friend, and my plan for finding a job once I was out there was basically to cross my fingers and hope.

Those days weren’t bad on the whole, but it felt like I was not actually living a life so much as I was goofing off in the waiting room. Sometimes that felt embarrassing, sometimes it felt fun, and sometimes it felt like I was completely pointless to the world.

On 2016’s Election Day, I went to bed early. After watching the votes come in, I needed the night to be over. I woke in a world that felt different than it had been the night before—not just in the actuality of who would be president but down to its foundations. I realized for the first time how much hope I’d had in human nature because now I didn’t feel it anymore. It’s almost silly when I think about it—so many horrible things had already happened that year, people had done horrible things as long as there have been people, and I didn’t think I was naive to that—but something clicked into place that morning.

It felt the same way my world had changed a year earlier, in 2015 during my last semester of college. My college victory lap felt like a prolonged downward spiral. Very early in the morning on a Monday, after pulling an all-nighter and overwhelmed by self-loathing that I could not just motivate myself to work on a paper that had been my only thought all weekend, I self-harmed for the first time in a way that was impossible to pretend it was anything else. Earlier that weekend, I’d tried staving off the urges drawing or writing on my arm, something that did (and does) usually work. I’d written this quote in silver sharpie on my forearm: “Good is not a thing you are. It's a thing you do.”

I picked that quote from the Ms. Marvel comics and liked the words so much, I thought that I wouldn’t be willing to purposefully mess it up by hurting myself there. Didn’t work. They just made me feel more ashamed of myself as I did it.

That was the worst I had ever felt. Then, on the Friday of that week, a friend of mine was senselessly, brutally murdered.

It doesn’t feel now like there was ever a time before her death. My memoir class is now where I wrote about her. My favorite professor is now the one who held me as I cried. My final thesis, the culmination of my history degree, never got finished and certainly never got polished. I turned it what I had and got an A minus. Sometimes I think of rereading that paper to see if that’s the grade it actually deserved. We hadn’t been the closest friends, but my name was still on the email admin sent to professors, listing students who might be emotionally affected by this tragic event. Grace’s murder hangs over every memory I have with her and everything she ever touched. It feels like its own type of obliteration to leave her reduced to her death.

Grace wanted to be a lawyer because she believed in justice and also liked arguing. She could be rude when she wasn’t interested in what you were saying. When you caught her attention, you felt like the most fascinating person in the room. She was so proud of being Jewish. I watched her become proud of being gay. She was so universally friendly that it took me a year to realize that she actually liked specifically me. She had a somewhat silly laugh and an astonishingly luminous smile.

I thought less of the world and the people in it because of how she died. Trump’s election in 2016 felt like that.

After he won, I left stasis. From November through December, I thought harder about my future than I ever had before. Who did I want to be? What did I most value? What did I think was worth protecting? What work wouldn’t kill me to do? At one point, in presumably a fit of madness, I thought, “what if I got into politics.” Epiphany eventually hit me. By the time of Trump’s inauguration, I was already enrolled at community college, getting my pre-reqs for nursing school.

Now it’s election night again, eight years later. I live on the west coast with my best friend, in a house that we bought together. I work as a nurse in a hospital in a city where there are homeless encampments off every highway and someone begging for change on every corner. Meanwhile, there’s Palestine. Meanwhile there’s Sudan. Meanwhile refugees drown in the sea and border patrol shoots jugs of water. Even hurricanes have human cruelty now.

I don’t think people are inherently good or the universe inherently kind. But I am very good at tricking myself into thinking it for a little while, and when I do, I can remember the a specific feeling from Friday of my senior year, from that morning in November— how fucking hard the disappointment hit me because I had expected people to be better than this. It makes me want to be better than that.

I believe, and hope that I always will, that we can make a better world. I don’t know what it looks like, but I think I will see it in my lifetime. Those of us who can believe such things owe a bit of that naïveté to the world—not to excuse atrocities or think them impossible but to believe that we can stop them at all. You have to have a couple people sprinkled around who are genuinely shocked when people do bad things. It’s not that the pessimists are wrong, but you need the occasional counterbalance. I want to be a reasonable cynic’s pleasant surprise.

Every shift, I interact with people at their lowest and worst. I see the direct pipeline from pain to anger to violence, and how fragile that pipeline can be. So many situations can be changed by things as small as a warm blanket or a kind word. Violence can be quite easy to avert. Crises can be quite simply to resolve. Even when I know that whatever I do that shift will not change the circumstances of a person’s life, I think that what I do that shift still matters.

I’m lying in bed, writing this post instead of looking at the news. I wonder how tonight will change me. Been thinking about what I’ll do if Trump wins. Been thinking about how whatever I think I need to do under Trump will still need to be done if Harris clutches out a victory. I guess this is a pessimist’s optimism: to a degree the election doesn’t matter. Good is not a thing you are. It is a thing you do. Our better world will always take a lot of work.

But please god please, why can’t it be just a little easier to do it?

[endo-bunny]

Sit Down Now and Rest

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Description: You had anxiety and depression, and Tony and Bruce were more than happy with getting you anxiety meds the moment that you asked. When you stop taking your meds, your mental health plummets and spirals as well as your physical health, and everyone notices. Don't worry though, they're there for you.

Pairing: (Platonic) Avengers x Teen!Reader

Type: Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Warnings: Depression, anxiety, sickness, fainting, dizziness, taking meds(both medicated and just vitamins/iron supplements), dehydration, insomnia, depressive and hurtful thoughts, reader doesn't talk very much in this, nicknames(Kiddo, Kid, Hun)

Word Count: 1,627

Note: I may or may not have written this with too much of myself being present… But it's fine! I also wrote this at like 2 in the morning so it's kinda rough but I just needed to get this typed out so here ya go! Also, the characters might be kinda ooc because I haven't watched any marvel movies in a little while but I've been hyper focused on fics with them lately so yea. And I am working on my tlou and tech fics, it's just hard to find the motivation to write them, but don't worry, I'm working on em.

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You were quick to notice that you stopped taking your meds. You knew that they helped you, but you couldn't get yourself to start the habit of taking them again. You wanted to, most definitely, but you couldn't. Every day was the same. Wake up, look at your meds, contemplate taking them, saying you'll take them later, go train, eat, and then not take them.

You also stopped taking them at night too. You had even set alarms so that you'd remember to take them, but it didn't help at all. Natasha was the first to notice that something was up, being the closest one with you. When she realized that something wasn't quite right, she made sure to keep a close eye on you. She was quick to pick up how dizzy you looked when you'd get up, sometimes not even being able to stay standing before you crumbled back onto the couch. You'd always play it off as if you just lost your footing but she and everyone else knew that that wasn't the case.

One morning you had gotten up much later than you had recently been getting up. When you checked the time, it was around two in the afternoon. You got up and went to the kitchen, feeling extremely hungry after forgetting, and also just not wanting dinner the night prior. When you arrived in the kitchen, Tony was there. He had kind of taken up the father role in your life.

The moment he saw that you had finally arose, he was quick to make a snarky comment in good fun, “Ah! The beast has finally awoken from their slumber, now off they go to find their beauty.”

You only roll your eyes, ignoring him. You felt exhausted, even though you got close to ten hours of sleep seeing as you fell asleep around 4 in the morning. You couldn't find anything easy to fix or that looked appetizing in the fridge or pantry so you just opted for a bottle of water that you would only take a sip or two of then leave with your other five almost full water bottles on your nightstand.

Before you could go back to the confines of your room, Tony had to ask you a question, “ Hey kiddo, did you take your meds?”

The question caught you off guard, not expecting him to ask seeing as he hasn't asked in a real long time.

“Oh yea! I, um, took them earlier but fell back asleep. Yea, that's what I did!”

You try to make it seem like you weren't lying through your teeth, but weren't very successful because of how exhausted you were. However, before Tony could confront you, you book it to your room. You hide there for the rest of the day, not coming out for Dinner. Steve had come by to tell you that dinner was ready but you told him that you weren't very hungry as you just kept your

on the book that you had your nose in. You kept your light on all night, not feeling tired.

The next morning, Nat knocked on your door around eight, coming to get you so that you could train with her. When she opened your door, she saw you laying on your back staring up at the ceiling. You looked exhausted and had dark circles under your eyes. When Bat opened the door, you flung up in surprise. You hadn't heard her knocking so you weren't expecting for the door to randomly open. You couldn't tell who it was at first because your vision went fuzzy black as your body tried to accommodate the sudden movement that you caused. Nat waited for you to acknowledge her.

When you did after a couple seconds, you looked over at the time, confused. It had just been two the last time you looked at the clock. How could it be eight all of the sudden? You were brought out of your thoughts by Natasha trying to talk to you. You zoned back in, giving her a questioning look.

“I said, are you ok? You look exhausted Hun. I came by to get ya to come train but it looks like you need to rest for a couple days.”

“Oh! No, I'm fine. Just give me a couple minutes to get ready and I'll be down and we can get to work in no time!”

She gave you a skeptical look but nodded, closing your door behind her.

When you got down to the training room, Bucky and Steve were there with Natasha. They smiled upon seeing you walk in. However, Bucky and Steve's bright smiles dropped upon looking at your figure. You were slouched, tired eyes not fully open and your eye bags were extremely dark.

Bucky was the first to point it out, “Hey Kid, you ok? You aren't looking too good.”

You only shrugged, your body aching and your throat feeling scratchy and sore for some reason.

As you're sparring with Natasha, you continuously have to stop the match because you go into coughing fits. As finish with your last coughing fit you go back to Natasha, but she's packing her stuff up.

“Wait, where are you going?” You're voice comes rather harsh and rude as you ask the red head.

“I think you should rest for the rest of the day Hun. I'll come check on you in a little while. But go take your meds and also some cough syrup and eat something.”

You didn't say anything as you grabbed your stuff and walked back to your room. This was stupid. It was just a little cold. You can still fight. You need to train. Deep down though you knew you needed to listen to her and do as she said. In the end, you don't. You go back to your room, take a sip or two of water, get a small snack and then sit down in the living room with a book.

You try to read it, but you can't stay focused for long enough to. Your mind is spiraling and racing. You kept replaying how training went. You were so pathetic. And rude. How could you be so rude? Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You slam the book down onto the sofa, huffing.

You hadn't noticed that some of the others had joined you in the living room. They look up at you, surprised. They weren't used to seeing you like this. You tried to get up quickly, wanting to get away from this embarrassing situation.

The moment you get up, the world goes black, buzzing and ringing is the only thing you can hear as you collapse. You feel something picking you up and setting you down on the couch. You blink your eyes a couple times, slowly feeling sensation being restored in your body. You look around you and see that Bruce is coming over with a damp cloth and water. Nat has your head resting in her lap and Tony has your hand in his. They all look worried as they stare down at you. You hear gasped as Steve and Bucky walk in.

Questions are being thrown at you, too fast for you to comprehend. You instinctively put your hands on your ears, feeling overwhelmed. They all quiet down upon seeing this. Tony is the one to ask the questions from then on.

“Hey, it's ok. We're sorry, didn't mean to overwhelm ya like that. Can ya sit up?”

You nodded, feeling embarrassed now. Tony nodded and Nat helped you sit up, allowing you to lean against her.

“Ok, drink some water, you're ok,” Tony hands you the water that Bruce had brought over as Bruce is wiping your face with the cold damp cloth.

“Ya feeling better?”

“Ya, I'm fine.”

“Have you been taking your meds, kid?”Tony doesn't hold back, knowing what it looks like when you don't take the meds that have been helping you produce what your body needs.

You sheepishly look down at your hands that are fidgeting in your lap. You inhale sharply before shaking your head no.

They all sigh, Natasha being the one to talk this time, “Why haven't you been taking your meds, Hun?”

“I-I just don't want to… I don't like the feeling.”

They looked at each other, wondering what to say. As they look at each other, you go to stand up, but they make sure that you don't get up.

“Sit down now and rest,” Bucky's voice comes from behind you, his hands still on your shoulders.

“I'm sorry…” Your voice comes out in a whisper.

“You're forgiven kiddo, but ya gotta start taking your meds again.” Steve comes over and sits on the other side of you as he speaks.

“I know.”

“How bout I take my medication with ya? God knows that I haven't been taking it as much as I should be,” Tony chuckles as he tries to negotiate with you.

You didn't know if it would actually help you but you were open to the idea.

“Good, drink some more water. Now what do you want to watch? Hm? TV's all yours,” Tony stood up, giving you the TV remote as everyone decided to sit down on the couch.

You picked your comfort movie as you snuggled up with Steve and Nat. Tony had gotten you some actual food, and by the time the movie was over, you had drank all the water, ate all the food, fell asleep, and almost everyone else had fallen asleep as well. You felt safe with the people that cared about you all around you. You knew that this would be a journey, but you also knew that you weren't alone.

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Tag list: @fakegingerrights @macchiato-dreaming22 @silnebula

[ddaz3d-and-cc0nfused]

༉‧₊˚. 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 || 𝐬𝐚𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫

― pairing: sam winchester x plus size!reader

― summary: sam winchester was never comfortable with pda, but while on a hunt, sam is shaken with the harsh reality that he's needy, and the only person that can fix it was you.

― warnings: kissing, making out, dry humping, marking, teasing, needy sam winchester.

― wc: 1288

⋆ a/n: more old writing sigh, but i guess i can say i kind of like this one but i kinda didn't know a lot about sam's character when i wrote this because i was only in the earlier seasons then, but now since i've watched the show three times, i feel like i can say that i know his character like the back of my hand!

masterlist | AO3

You had no idea what was up with Sam that day, but he couldn't seem to keep his hands to himself. He wasn't usually a PDA type of person, opting to keep the kisses pg, meaning only cheek, temple, or forehead kisses. You had no problem with it, because if he wasn't comfortable with doing it out in the open or if he was afraid it would make him look unprofessional, you had no reason to try and push him to do anything he didn't want to.

When the affection happened in private, it just made it all the more special, both of your senses heightened and a lot more pleasurable when you two made love.

You never usually joined the brothers on hunts per Sam's request, only staying behind in the hotel room to offer some emotional support afterwards; but this time, you felt like going on an adventure. Dean was more than happy to humor you, but Sam was a bit more skeptical. He knew that you were your own person, that he truly had no say over what you did, so all the hunter asked was for you to stay close to him; easy enough, right?

At first it was a little difficult seeing how there were many places you three had to go, and it was giving Sam some anxiety, not only that, but he was feeling a type of way that he couldn't put his finger on. He thought it may have been is psychic abilities, but one touch from you and his skin lit on fire, he instantly knew that he was horny. When he got into your shared hotel bed together, his crotch pressed into you full rump, it took every bone in his body to not jump you right then and there, to keep his wondering hands placed tightly in yours.

You could sense something was off with your lovely boyfriend when you had gotten into the Impala, and instead of Sam sitting up front with his brother, he chose to sit in the back with you, one hand on your thigh. You found it a bit strange, but nonetheless welcomed the out of the blue affection. But you didn't welcome it when all of you split to go investigate different parts of an abandoned house, Sam hot on your heels.

As you were turned around, you felt Sam wrap his arms around your waist, his head buried in between your shoulder and your neck.

"Sam?" You questioned, the energy detecting device in your hand slowly lowering. He dragged his large hand down your fluffy stomach, resting it over the zipper of your pants. "Sammy?" You asked again, but this time your voice was higher pitched. He always acted this way when he was needy, but it was never out in the open like this, not when somebody could easily walk in and see your compromising decision.

"I just— I just want you so bad. . . I don't—" Sam rambled, pulling down the zipper of your fly. "You couldn't wait to do this?" You breathed, your head slightly tipping back. "Why did you think I picked the farthest room in the house?" Of course he lead you hear with an ulterior motive, why wouldn't he? He was smart, strategical, and you'd be lying if you said that you were tempted to give in.

"Sam, we can't, I'm sorry." Your hands fell over his sneaky one's, pulling your zipper back up and placing his hands back on your waist. He audibly groaned when you turned around threw your arms around his neck. His pupils were blown out, his expression was that of a kicked puppy. "Baby, you know that I want this as much as you do, I always will, but not in public." You sighed, pushing some of his hair out of his face. "I know. . . Can I— can I just kiss you?" He asked, his hands sliding lower before resting on the swell of your ass.

"Dean's gonna be real mad that we haven't got anything," You teased running your fingers through his hair, but you showed no hostility as his lips ghosted over yours. "It'll only be for a couple of minutes. . ." He mumbled, pressing his lips onto yours. It felt so great to kiss you, like your touch was slowly extinguishing the fire that had been burning in his stomach for the past two days. He couldn't help that his palms gripped your ass aggressively, rubbing you crotches together. You moaned quietly into his mouth, Sam hiking up your thigh so that he could get a better angle. His growing erection was pressed against your heated cunt, the friction driving both of you nuts.

"You said only kissing. . ." You breathed against his lips, arousal becoming more prominent in your panties. He only groaned in reply, his head tipping back so that his neck was exposed to you. You attached your lips onto is most sensitive spot located just under his ear, Sam bucking his hips against you. You were muting yourself by making marks that wouldn't easily be seen, but Sam was forced to bite his lower lip to silence himself. The worst part about doing this in not only a potentially haunted house, was that it was extremely empty, sound basically bouncing off the walls. You knew Dean would never allow Sam to live this down if he were to catch the two of you.

The tingling sensation of an orgasm was barely in your grasp, but it was enough to detach yourself from his neck and collarbones, only placing a kiss there which your lipstick left a mark.

"Sam, ____?" Dean called out. "You guys got anything?" Your eyes widened as you pushed Sam off of you, giving him a look of apology. "Uhh— no, there's nothing here!" You shouted back, licking your sleeve and wiping the makeup off his lips. "Alright well I explored all of downstairs and most of the upstairs and I got nothin', so I think we're done here." His voice was a bit closer, but now by a lot. "Okay! So are we gonna go?" You asked, straightening up Sam as he stood there with a stupid smile on his face. "Yeah! I'm goin' to be in the Impala, so you guys better hurry up!" He concluded, his voice growing fainter as he walked back down the stairs."Sam," You growled, "I'm going to kill you." You glared, now wiping off your lips for any smeared product.

"I'm sorry honey, I got a bit carried away." He apologized, but he didn't even sound remotely sorry. You just scoffed, grabbing your things with the intention of leaving. "Sure." He only laughed, following close next to you. "Don't act like you didn't like it," He teased. You only rolled your eyes, but it provoked a small grin on your lips. "Well I hope this'll sedate you until we get back home." You poked, both of you now walking down the old stairs. "Maybe, but seeing how your butt is looking in those jeans, I may be tempted to do it again." You groaned, "I'm going with Dean next time."

As you guys were about to get into the car, your eyes landed on your lipstick mark that you had placed on the side of Sam's neck. You felt your stomach fall into your ass but it was already too late, Sam had gotten into the front seat of the car while you got into the back anxiously. You watched Dean look at Sam's neck before smirking wolfishly, making eye contact with you in the rearview window.

"Looks like you guys got a lot of things done." He said, his voice full of amusement.

ೃ⁀➷ my lovely taglist!: @alina02 @louderfortheback @minervadashwood @fandomsarelifee @theendofthe70s @nomajdetective @mgg-theprettiestboy

[finnbbl]

Hey, I saw your requests are open. Would you write something for 3Racha where something sad happens and the reader turns non-verbal to try and cope with it?

It's just a problem that I always have and I would like to know how you think the boys would react :)

3Racha when you’re nonverbal

3Racha Written

Prompt: Being friends with the main producers of a music group had its perks. But when you’re asked to accompany them a certain gathering, you hesitate when you figure out who will be there.

Genre: Angst/Comfort

Gender Neutral Reader

Warnings: Implications of trauma, alcohol and dr*g mention, I don’t think there’s any swearing, reader goes nonverbal.

A/N: I wanted to first start off by saying I apologize it took me a bit to get out. I’ve been in my own slump and I’ve found it super hard to find motivation for anything, especially writing and posting.

I wasn’t sure if you wanted a specific incident to happen where the reader goes non verbal, so I hope this is okay. I also wasn’t sure if you wanted it romantic or not, so I just kind of wrote what felt right in the moment. I tried to leave the situation vague so it could match with anyone’s experiences. I personally don’t like it too much (I honestly hate my writing so it could just be that LOL) so I can make a separate post with a text version, of course it would be a little bit different than this. Please let me know your thoughts 🙏

Requests - OPEN

Masterlist

Please read disclaimer in masterlist

Parties were the absolute worst. If you were forced to choose a least favorite thing on the planet, parties would be it. They’re loud and crowded; Worst of all, he’s always there.

3Racha had been nominated for an award. They had been invited to a big award show, a one where afterparties usually follow. You were incredibly proud of them, knowing just how hard they worked. They meant the absolute world to you, and to see them put their best foot forward and exceed tipped you over the moon. Previously, you’d turn them down when they’d ask you to attend with them, and you had a very good reason. Firstly, parties just weren’t your thing. You never fit in with everyone else growing up. Secondly, you knew that he was going to be there. You didn’t know what to call him. Putting a label on things had never felt right to you before. If someone were to ask him, he’d tell them you were together. But if someone were to ask you, you’d say it was complicated and you were content with how things were. You did that with everyone that seemed to be more than friends with you, commitment was a scary thing. But you did know that he was someone you never wanted to be around ever again.

You remember the way he’d always ask you to accompany him to one. He was the partier in the “relationship.” However, you’d always preferred to stay in. Nice and cozy in your blankets. One night, you decided to try and get out of your comfort zone. You wore something different, and put effort into your appearance. The moment he let his hand “accidentally” linger over your ass was the first sign of a mistake. The night only went downhill from there. Next thing you knew you were drugged and taken advantage of. It took you months to recover, months to find the will to get out of bed. Only Chan out of the three knew of this incident, but only very very vaguely. He only found out because he was the one nursing you back to your normal self again. You avoided giving him details, he doesn’t know the person, time, nor the place. You wanted to stick to using being tired as an excuse to politely turn them down. There was no way you could let them find out that you were just too weak to attend said gathering, especially because they don’t know what happened.

You listened to the boys explain how excited they were for this one. How this was such a big award, and how it was going to be so much different. The excitement that laced their voices made it hard for you to deny the question you knew was coming. “Do you think you could go with us this time?” They knew the answer every time they asked this question. A hesitant no, almost as if you were thinking about it. In reality, your mind was fighting off bad memories. It was hard not to think of it when even the topic was brought up, there’s no way you could bring yourself to revisit the place it happened. He was always going to be there, just like he was at every one while you knew him. Again, parties were his thing. So you were confident no matter which one you attended, he would be there. You were scared, to say the least. Scared of seeing him, scared of being pushed back into that dark room, scared of reliving what had made you feel so lifeless.

However, Han’s unintentional puppy eyes drew you closer and closer to the edge. How you wanted to see them happy. You weren’t sure if it was only platonic or if there was some hint of romantic feelings for them there, but you knew you loved them so much. Although the three knew the usual answer, they still proceeded to ask. They felt as they should always invite you, even if they know what your answer would be. However, this time you surprised them. With a quick purse of your lips, the words fell from your mouth. “Fine, but only this once.” The way their faces lit up when you agreed to go to with them brought a smile to your face. Though it quickly dissipated as your brain grabbed back at those awful memories. The guys were too lost in excitement to notice, but you’d prefer it that way. Everyone else had their own problems, so you hated adding your own on top of them.

The last few nights leading up to the award ceremony were filled with anxiety. Sleepovers with Chan were a mutually agreed way to get both of your minds off of stress. However your anxiety still managed to claw its way through what was supposed to be a comforting barrier with him. Chan was next to you, fast asleep which was something that was rare for him. Meanwhile, you silently cried next to him. Hours passed and you were still unable to fall asleep, too busy fighting off the horrible memories. Horrible memories of a time in your life that left you numb. You couldn’t shake it, knowing that he was going to be there. He was a popular artist, and you’d already checked the lineup for the event. His name was there, and now you were petrified. You couldn’t bring yourself to tell them you changed your mind. They were so excited, so you dealt with it.

The night of the party arrived. You’d isolated yourself for the day, hoping to prepare yourself enough for what was about to come. Hours passed and next thing you knew you were sat between Chan and Changbin on a fancy couch. Despite it being a fancy event, Han sat on the back of the couch with his feet on either side of you, his hands slowly running through your hair. It was a common thing for you to do with the three, often being very touchy with each other. It was to the point where you questioned if you were more than friends. While you didn’t kiss, or do anything beyond that, you were very hands on. Cuddling, hugging, playing with each others hair or outfits, you name it. However, you couldn’t decipher whether it was platonic or if there was a hint of romance in there.

Suddenly, an all too familiar voice snapped you out of the peaceful thoughts that managed to distract you for.. at least a little while. Soon enough, your worst fear of the night happened. He placed himself on the couch right across from you guys. The first 20 minutes or so, he had the subtlety evil smirk on his face.

However, you knew it would dissipate sooner or later. Based on your experience with him, he was an extremely jealous person. And given, how important skin-ship was to you and the three boys, it was only a matter of time. It happened when Han noticed you were quieter all of the sudden. His fingers came to a slow stop in your hair to travel down to your shoulder. His head leaning down to your ear to whisper something.

“Are you alright, jagiya?”

It was quiet, quiet enough where only those within a 3 inch radius could hear. So you wonder why you saw that man who you feared, drop his smirk to a frown. Maybe he read Han’s lips and noticed the word ‘jagiya’ ? Either way, you ignored it, and with a nod and a small smile which was noticeably forced, you brushed off Han’s worries insisting you were just tired. Changbin took notice of his member’s concern, and leaned in close to reassure you that the event would be over soon. You gave him the same smile and quietly thanked him.

Thats when he suddenly started staring daggers at you from across the room, his hand clenching onto the almost empty soju bottle. He was drunk, for sure. That had to have been the scariest part. It only added more fuel to the fire, you were silenced. Except nothing was physically stopping you from speaking. Your head dropped down, staring at your nails that now started to dig into the palms of your and in an attempt to quiet the voices in your mind. It was a bad habit you picked up when you got anxious. Recently, it’d been worse so you currently had crescent shaped markings left behind on the center of your hand. Han noticed the tension in your body, and leaned down to express his concern once again.

“Are you sure you’re alright? You’re very tense.”

No response. As much as you wanted to reassure him that everything was okay, you couldn’t. It felt as if your throat was closing up, you couldn’t speak or move. You were anxious, overstimulated and all you wanted to do was jump out of the window. Anything to escape.

Your eyes were now staring daggers into the floor, and your body was completely still. Did you even hear him? He wondered at your lack of response, however it didn’t take long for him to pick up on it. But before he could say anything else, Chan’s hand gently but swiftly grabbed yours. Holding your hands in such a way that your nails couldn’t fight their way through your skin again. Chan was a very observant person, so it didn’t take him very long to notice the marks on your hands. That’s when Han recognized what was going on, Changbin following in their suit not but a few moments later. Once again, Han leaned down to say something. He was well aware that you were nonverbal right now, but he said it anyways hoping you could at least muster the energy to tell him you wanted to leave. You suddenly felt a hand on either shoulder, which were now rubbing soothingly into your tense muscles. “Do you want to leave? Chan still has to say his goodbyes to everyone, but I can take you outside.” This sentence was whispered into your ear, and the word ‘leave’ sparked your attention. You nodded almost too eagerly.

With that, Han motioned for you to stand up, saying something to you excuse yourselves. Chan let your hands slip out of his, looking over at his band mate and Changbin to silently communicate everyone would be leaving soon. You were unsure of what he said, now focused on not making eye contact with a certain someone right across from you. The closer to you that Han got, the more anger you could feel emitting off of the man in front. That only left you more anxious. Suddenly, Han put his arm around your waist gently to guide you out. The anxiety started to die down as you stepped out of the building, but the tears you were fighting didn’t. “You okay?” Han softly questioned as your eyes looked up to meet his. It took him not but a brief moment to notice your glossy eyes. He immediately pulled you in for a hug, which caused you to break down. Still unable to speak, you only mumbled out incoherent words that the male tried so hard to pick up on. Fortunately for him, he was able to make out a few words which told him everything he needed to know.

You felt unsafe is what it was. Although he wasn’t sure why, it was a step. Han would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t sense anger and tension in the room. The reason was what he couldn’t figure out. His head rested on yours, gently rocking you back and forth hoping to calm you down. Suddenly the door opened, but you remained still. As Chan and Changbin walked over, your breathing began to slow down. “Sorry n/n, I did my best to get us out as soon as possible. They don’t know when to shut up.” Chan apologized and rubbed his hand up and down your back. “Come on, we’ll talk later. Let’s get her out of here.”

Once you all arrived home, everyone went to their dorms. Except you stayed back at Chan and Jeongin’s. Although the younger was in the middle of a brand deal, which left you and the latter alone in the dorm. The trio agreed it would be better if you stayed with one of them for the night, so they decided on the leader’s as it would be the calmest. Your body lay next to him on his comfortable mattress, the lights set to a soft and comforting purple color with the tv playing a movie on the lowest volume. The male laying next to you, with his hand running up and down your back. Your eyes followed the movements of the character on the screen, but your brain wasn’t absorbing any of the plot. It was obvious this was a difficult night for you, but Chan just had to know.

“Feel free to not answer, I know you’re still not in a talking mood..” He led on, and your head raised to make eye contact with him. “Was that the guy… from you know.”

You did know, you knew exactly what he was talking about. Your facial features remained still, looking back and forth between both of his eyes as you mustered up the energy to get some form of response out. With that, you only nodded before turning back to the movie. Chan could swear he felt his heart break and everything suddenly clicked in his mind. If he had known it would only cause you anxiety, then he wouldn’t have pestered you to go for so long. “I am sooo sorry y/n.” His other arm found its way around you as he rested his head on yours. “We wouldn’t have pressed so hard if we knew what was going on.”

Although you didn’t respond, your hand found its way to his and gave him a light squeeze to reassure him that it was okay. “I know I don’t know the whole story but you can always talk to me about how you’re feeling, alright?” A small smile formed on your lips and your head nodded against his, nuzzling further. He let out a light and squeaky giggle as he ran his fingers over your knuckle gently. It was in this moment that you realized it was all going to be okay.

[yandere-sins]

Hiii, Could you write Satan kidnapping MC because they're his favorite writer? I had this idea recently and it looked promising. Maybe MC is so talented that people compare their books and Simeon's books.

Thanks for your request! It’s very fitting for Satan :3

»»————-———— ♡ ————————-««

"How's it coming along?"

Satan's voice tore you out of your daydream—a nice one, of a world far, far away—and you twisted around to see him come through the door, setting down his bag before returning your gaze and smiling. You didn't hear him come in, nor noticed how fast the time passed since he left, but immediately you felt uneasy again. "Not so good," you muttered, turning back to you laptop and biting your lip, now overly aware of his footsteps creaking over the floorboards.

"Let me see," he asked. Leaning over your shoulder, Satan gently nudged your hand off the mouse to scroll up your manuscript to read what you had added over the span of the last few hours. There were fewer new pages than he expected as he scrolled too far the first time, and you only slumped more on your chair, too afraid to admit your failure.

"Hm... I'm not sure. It's just lacking the certain something, you know what I mean?" he finally commented as he reached the blank half of the last page you wrote before sighing, shaking his head. "Didn't you say you wanted me out of the room for peace and quiet? I thought that would help you."

Fiddling with your thumb, you kept silent for a while as his body continued to weigh down on you. It was his impatient threat to say something, to make him understand your views. But how could you? In his eyes, you may very well not have been human, but you two would never see eye to eye regardless of how he viewed you. "I tried..." you eventually muttered, looking down and hanging your shoulders.

"I don't really feel motivated... A-And I'm hungry! I can't work like this! It's blocking my inspiration to be in this room, I haven't been outside in a week!"

Pushing back your chair, Satan moved out of the way just in time to dodge it ramming into him. A part of you felt bad for almost hurting him, but it was the part that hadn't understood yet what kind of situation you two were in.

He was the demon that lured you into a trap by promising to be your patron, and you were the dumb human who didn't think twice before agreeing. Nowhere on the contract did it say you'd have to spend your time in his home, in front of his scrutinizing eyes, but you had been naive and gullible, all too happy to sign without reading the fine print.

Stumbling back, you felt the adrenaline rush as you opposed him for the first time since he had brought you here. It was your fault, you knew that. You had enough sleepless nights to reflect on your mistakes. But Satan could not make you his puppet, no matter how much he wanted you to. It's not how the creative writing process worked! With so many restrictions he put on you, it was impossible to create anything—no matter how much he loved your creations.

As you watched his hand rise into the air, you heard a tsk escape from his lips, and you looked away, squeezing your eyes shut and bracing for impact. You've seen his anger, witnessed his rage. It had never been directed at you, but with your mind running wild all day—just not with ideas for your new book—you were sure it was time for him to lash out at you.

Instead, you felt the gentle warmth that his palm emitted as he cupped your cheek, and your eyes blinked open in confused astonishment. "I'm sorry," he said, his expression full of concern and shame. For a moment, you almost forgot he wasn't human; his reaction felt so validating and real. As if he truly recognized how he wronged you.

"You said you wanted some alone time and I thought it would be best to give you what you wanted. But you are right. I should have taken your needs into consideration."

Satan spoke these words so earnestly, not a hint of a lie in his voice. It felt surreal to hear these words, knowing he had kidnapped you in the first place. "No, I'm sorry, I..." you started before catching yourself. Why were you apologizing? Wasn't it his fault you flew off the handle? It had been Satan who had tricked you, so why were you feeling bad all of a sudden?

"No, you are right. I can't keep you cooped up here all day, even though I long to see your new story. It was selfish of me when we were supposed to be partners in this, so forgive me."

Dropping his hand from the gentle caressed to your face, Satan held it out to you. You couldn't help but be hesitant and unsure. What did he want? Would he hurt you if you accepted the invitation?

"Please let me make it up to you," he explained, sincerity in his eyes as he stood there, waiting for you to agree. It all felt so unreal, but the paranoia made you unsure how to act. You had already imagined all kinds of scenarios, from the horror ones to some that made you blush. Being a writer, your anxiety didn't give you a clear sign of what to do, and after being stuck in an unfamiliar, dark place for more than a week, barely surviving on the food and water you had been given, and even less on the few hours of sleep every day, it was a surprise you could even come up with more scenarios in your head.

"You're not mad?" you asked hesitantly, eyeing his hand with suspicion. You already knew the palm would be warm, his long fingers perfect for wrapping around your hand, and his touch soft and gentle. After being deprived of social interactions, it was a tempting offer.

Satan shook his head, sadness rushing to his features again. "No, I'm worried and ashamed I let it come so far. I will make it up to you. I'll show you the beauty of this world and take you to experience unforgettable things. I didn't ask to be your patron so you'd live out the rest of your life like a caged animal. I want to support you, even if I have failed until now. Will you give me the chance to right my wrongs?"

Even though you felt nervous about making this decision, Satan had said all the right things. Everything you had wanted to hear from him, assuring you that you had also been heard by him. When he first approached you for this partnership, you had been unsure as well; deal with the devil and all. But he had seemed so sincere back then, too. So convinced in your skills and talents, sweeping you right off your feet. The same was happening now, although if he meant what he said, then his intentions were still pure.

Slowly, you placed your hand into his, choosing to trust him once more. After all, he had approached you for this deal. Surely if it was this important to him, he'd not mess it up again, right? Satan beamed when you gave him your answer, nodding once in confirmation as his hand wrapped around yours.

"Let's go then!" he announced, and before you could ask where to, he had pulled you after him, opening the door and bathing you in the warm, beautiful sun, leaving the darkness behind.

»»————-———— ♡ ————————-««

"You good?" Satan asked, patting down the blanket around your shoulders. You nodded, swallowing down some of the soothing tea in your hands before smiling.

"I think I can do it now!"

A gentle smile played around his lips as he chuckled, excited after hearing your enthusiastic reply. "Then I'll be over there, reading. Call out if you need anything."

It had been the right choice to trust him. All this time, you had been fearful and wary when, actually, he was a good guy. People would think you'd gone mad, hearing you talk like this about a demon this way, but they didn't know Satan. Some demons truly were good people, perhaps better than most humans you knew.

After that little argument in the afternoon, he had done his best to give you back the freedom you craved. He took you to a nice beach town, where you two played in the sand next to the ocean, took a long walk and talked, and ate delicious food from many different vendors. Had you two not been in a professional relationship, one could have almost called it a date.

But that wasn't important. Important was that when he asked if you wanted to continue this partnership, you agreed. On the condition this time that he wouldn't restrict you as much again and listen to you, to which Satan willingly shook hands. You went back with him to his domain with fewer worries, less stress, and actually feeling inspired to sit down and write. And once you cozied up with a blanket and some tea, you were happy to fulfill your side of the contract—at least until you were too sleepy to continue.

Glancing back over your shoulder, you saw Satan lounging in his armchair, his own steaming cup of tea on a side table as he read his book. He noticed your gaze, meeting it with a smile and a slight wave and you returned the gesture before looking onto the empty page of your manuscript again, getting ready to throw yourself into the story. You could do it! You knew that now. You had all the support that you needed, and Satan had become more of a friend than the captor you had originally thought him to be!

All you ever wanted was to write, and now, it was your time to shine.

All thanks to Satan's help.

»»————-———— ♡ ————————-««

Humans were easily frazzled, weren't they?

Vulnerable, fearful creatures. And yet, he couldn't help but fall for you the moment he read the first sentence of your book. Satan remembered that he thought, "Wow, they get it," as he dove into a story filled with passion for the obscure, something that couldn't have been from a mind as fragile as a human.

But it was, and so he found you.

And you were everything he wanted you to be.

So for a moment, he panicked when he saw you distraught. For a moment, he could feel the feeble connection of your pact waver, threatening to tear as the contract he made the first time had been rushed and haphazardly. He knew better now than to be careless around you. You, who had the power to make and break him, turn him into an obedient puppy to your whims, even though he was the scariest dog your world had ever seen. If he wanted to keep you, he had to rethink his plan, better it, and put a leash so tight on you that you'd be unable to escape his grip.

Inevitably, he fixed the problems easily, building trust that you should have never allowed to form between you two. Satan relished in the sight of your turned back, your fingers tapping away merrily on the keyboard of the laptop he got for you. Don't get him wrong, he adored your works, loved the obscure, wild ideas that you put into words so lovely that they touched his ruthless soul.

But it was you he wanted. You he loved.

That's why he decided to be patient. Even with the itch in his fingers to pin you to the ground, the burning on his lips to capture yours so frevently you'd forget yourself. The inescapable pull you had on his whole body as if you were the demon binding his soul to yours, and that annoying part of his mind that wanted nothing more than to rip it out so you may have it.

Satan couldn't let you know all these things he wanted to do with you, the way he'd have you captured in his arms until you stopped thrashing. It wasn't enough for Satan to have captured you, he wanted more. He wanted to still his anger with the softness of your body in his hold, soothe the rage inside him with the sound of your voice. Know that every word you'd write, you'd do for him. It made him anything but angry—greedy, gluttonous, prideful. He could act like the main character in your book all you needed, but it wouldn't change the fact he was the villain at the end of your story.

But he had already captured your body, soothed your distrust, and soon, he'd have that new creation you'd only write for him and him alone. Thus was the new contract he made you sign. A contract you accepted much too easily after he showed you the illusion of freedom you were craving. As if there had ever been a choice for you.

You were a simple soul, even if your mind was brilliant. He could read you like a book, the way your body shuddered against his touch as you dreamed of him—dreams he planted in your head for you to nourish with your ideas. And Satan could play this game for a long, long time, dragging it out until you'd accept his love willingly, seek it out like he had sought after you. Even if it would take forever, he'd practice the illusion of patience.

All so he could have you for all eternity.

[inuiiwonderland]

Twisted captivity

Chapter 1

Twst third years x fem reader

A/n: here is the first chapter of my new series “twisted captivity” !! Again this is a yandere series so it will have some dark themes! Also, the first couple chapters will be more on the short side since It has been a while since I wrote anything and also because of my major writers block and motivation for writing. So I’m taking baby steps rn lol. But I genuinely wanna write this since it’s been on my mind for MONTHS! So enough about my rambling I really hope you guys enjoy this!

Words:766

-

You walked down the long hallway as Crowley explained to you the rules and things you would be in charge of.

“Since your father told me you’re a researcher, you will be in charge of writing down every detail and interaction you have with the mers and also help us understand more about them and their biology!”

You simply nodded, still not believing that he has REAL mermaids and mermen’s in his care.

“You will also be in charge of feeding them, cleaning and taking care of their tanks! Though do be careful, some of them can be very wary and may attack when they feel threatened!”

“Ah that’s…good to know”

“Great! Now it’s time for you to come meet them so follow me” You followed him as he led you down a long hallway before walking through a double door which led you to a giant lab. In there you can see a big window as people rush in all sorts of directions.

“This is our lab! Here we run all our experiments and test” Your eyes grow wide as you see a couple of people roll in a big cart with an equally large tank which has a mermaid inside.

The poor thing was thrashing around in the tank as she clawed on the glass. The tank must have been made with really strong glass since it didn’t crack or break by how hard the poor thing was banging on it. The cart was rolled to another room, which you did NOT want to know about.

“Don’t worry she’ll be fine”

Something tells you she wouldn’t….

“Come follow me! I’ll show you the less aggressive ones first”

Okay now you were slowly starting to regret this

Maybe you should’ve stayed home and made yourself a good meal as you watched your favorite show. But no, you decided to show up instead.

What if this is all illegal? What if the government or whoever doesn’t even know such a thing exists?! Or maybe Crowley is working for the government?!

As you begin to panic, you accidentally bump into said man as he comes to a stop.

“Sor-“

“We’re here!” You step aside and you stare in awe as you are met with a beautiful sight.

The place looked absolutely gorgeous. It definitely didn’t look like it belonged in a research facility.

The place had a huge waterfall along with some beautiful trees and huge rocks and caves. You noticed a bridge in the center of it all and it had beautiful long vines surrounding it.

This definitely looked like it came from a fairy tale

“Welcome to the heartslabyul enclosure!” He says with a big smile.

“This place is so…”

“Amazing right? I’m glad you think so because I spent millions on this place!”

“Hey Crowley!” You both turned around to see a man with black and white hair. The man looked annoyed as he glared down at Crowley.

“Ah! Crewel! Nice seeing you here today, say why are you here?” The man scowled.

“I work here you idiot”

“Hey now that’s not a good way to talk to your boss! I have a new worker here with me and you can’t make it seem like calling me an idiot is okay!” Crowley says as crewel turns to look at you.

“You should still run while you have the chance” He says which causes Crowley to gasp.

You just awkwardly laugh as crewel and Crowley continue to bicker back and forth. You step away from the two as you decide to explore the area a bit more.

You walk down the bridge and to a small path that leads you to another beautiful part of the area. As you continued exploring, you didn’t notice the pair of eyes that peeked from under one of the lily pads.

Red eyes followed you as you continued to walk down the path.

Weird….never seen her around before

He watches you like a hawk before quickly ducking down as you turn around.

You eye the water curiously

“Weird….could’ve sworn I heard something” As you were about to walk a little closer towards the water, the sound of your name being called made you stop. You look up to see Crowley waving at you from the bridge.

“Come! I have more things to discuss with you in my office!” You just nodded but before you left, you looked back at the water one last time before walking away and to where crowley was.

As you leave, the boy slowly comes back up with curious eyes.

She looks nice….

-

Again sorry for such a short chapter😓 but as I said, baby steps!

Taglist: @ruisann @roseapov @0ffth3rec0rd @anunholyabomination

Ask if you wanna be put on the taglist!

Also! Reader will have more like a mother/older sister relationship with the 1st and 2nd years! I will explain more as the story goes:)

[sillylittlestoryblog]

Keeping me warm

Part 1

Trafalgar Law x Reader

Warning: None I guess. Maybe awkward writing because I wrote this at 3 am while I couldn’t sleep ( it was storming ) and english isn’t my first language. Plus I haven’t written anything in ages so pls don’t judge to much.

Summery: basically just fluffy and angsty thoughts while freezing. Idk lol (I need sleep)

If you however do enjoy this, positive words are great for anyone’s mental health. Have fun.

The howling of the wind was unbearable. The crew members sat close together in the dark cave. It had been two days since the raging ice storm. Of course, no one had planned to stay in this place for so long. But just the thought of going outside into the cold made even the bravest pirates' legs shiver.

After even the stubborn captain of the Straw Hat Pirates had admitted that it no longer made any sense, everyone realized that they would have to sit out this storm.

The cave came in handy. Together with the Heart Pirates, the Straw Hats had anchored on this winter island.

The Sunny had been through a lot and Franky had actually planned to get some material for repairs in the small fishing village. Since only a few days had passed since the last major battle and the Surgeon of death was still busy patching up crew members, his crew was more than happy to take a break. A few days off couldn't hurt anyone.

You remember how Nami had been upset, crying that she would rather have stopped off at a nice summer island or at a luxurious spa. A vacation wasn't often granted to the Straw Hats. You had comforted her and said that a bit of snow could certainly be fun.

And oh how wrong you were.

You regret your words of encouragement as you sat shivering between your friends. An icicle hung from Usopp's nose as he desperately tried to warm himself by the small campfire.

"I'm hungry," Luffy's voice penetrated the silence. He said what everyone was thinking. Sanji was still trying to conjure up something edible from the few remnants that had survived the avalanche. But even the usually so positive cook didn't really know how to help himself.

Bepo and Chopper had suddenly become the most popular crew members. Everyone was secretly hoping to snuggle up in their warm furs and perhaps sleep despite the loud storm.

The only one who seemed to be able to sleep without the warmth of the two was Zoro. Once again, you envied him for having the talent to sleep in any situation.

Your eyes glanced over to the other pirate crew. Captain Law was sitting on a rock, looking into the void. He also seemed to be cold, but tried to hide it. Under no circumstances could he show any weakness. That would only make the situation worse and ruin the group‘s mentality. He scowled at the other captain, who kept shouting for food and jumping up and down. How could he still have that much energy ?

Law just rolled his eyes whenever he thought of the strawhat.

His mind wandered again and he looked in the other direction as unobtrusively as possible. From his seat, he had a good view of everyone. So he could keep a good eye on each member of his crew. At least that's what he told himself.

He also wanted to keep an eye on you.

Trembling, you sat between Nami and Robin. The older one had taken off her dark cloak and wrapped it around the three of you like a blanket. It was a nice gesture, but it didn't seem to do much good. But at least you weren't as stubborn as some others. The cook had refused to lean against one of the other men, preferring to rather run off to the other corner of the cave on his own. He must have been freezing, Law saw him looking enviously at the floor where Zoro had been snoring quietly for hours.

Yesterday, the motivation had been a bit higher. Everyone was sure that the storm wouldn't last that long and that the sky would soon be clear again. But this was the Grandline after all. No one could really predict the weather conditions.

Brook had wrote a little song, strawhat-ya had bounced happily back and forth and the cooks of both crews had roasted fish over the campfire.

You had smiled from time to time.

A warm feeling shot through Laws body.

Your eyes had sparkled in the light of the fire and he had to turn his gaze to you again and again. You were so beautiful.

Before you became part of the friendly crew, it had always bothered Law to spend too much time with the Straw Hats. They were loud, inconsiderate and constantly meddled in other people's problems. Above all, the parties that the rubber man regularly announced were law's worst nightmare. Loud singing, food and booze everywhere and always the strangest of people. He would much rather be in his study or in a quiet library, hoping desperately to escape the chaos.

But this feeling changed abruptly after you became part of the crew. He spotted you straight away. He quickly noticed a new face. And what a face it was. He had wanted to talk to you all evening. But someone was always glued to you, if it wasn't Nami, the captain or Chopper, it was the annoying cook who jumped around you with hearts in his eyes. Asking you for company, mixing you special drinks or turning up with a hot soufflé in one and a bouquet of flowers in the other hand.

Law had been uncomfortable, but he hadn't dared to speak to you. Nico Robin had told him over dinner how much you liked to read and that had only increased his interest.

Yet he hadn't made any effort to talk to you. You probably hadn't even noticed him.

You had noticed Trafalgar Law immediately.

Of course you knew his Wanted poster, as well as the many stories about the captain of the Heart Pirates. Luffy was always talking enthusiastically about Tra Guy and the other Nakama usually had the best stories to tell. Franky once told you how intelligent Law was, when you painted one of the rooms on the Sunny together. Usopp told you how badass his powers were. And Chopper had raved to you about his medical talent.

Since then, you had often asked the other girls about him. With completely neutral intentions, of course.

That's why Nami and Robin weren't at all surprised by the way you looked at him when you first met. Nami had rolled her eyes and laughed: "You look at him like you're Luffy and he's a piece of meat." You had sent her a dirty look, but your body had already betrayed you. Your cheeks were warm and your heart began to beat a little faster. Robin had just giggled and left you two alone.

When you thought back to that evening, your face flushed again. You sincerely hoped that you hadn't made a fool of yourself.

In the cold cave, these thoughts were the only thing that seemed to keep you warm. Again and again your thoughts seemed to wander to him. A glance in his direction couldn't hurt, could it?

Cautiously and not at all obviously, you let your eyes wander.

Your eyes wandered over the body in the dark coat. How you wish you could put it on your own body now.

His dark hair peeks out from under the white cap he always wore. You had to remind yourself of Nami's words two days ago. Maybe she was right. On a warm island, you would certainly have had the chance to see Law without his hat. How much you would have liked to see all of his hair. And you also felt that his eyes were always shrouded in shadow.

Eyes that you wished you knew the color of.

Eyes that always seemed to avoid yours.

Eyes that could never lose focus while in a fight.

Eyes that just swept over your body.

Eyes that met yours all at once.

Your head quickly turned to the side. Was he looking at you?! Just pretend you were doing something else. Had Robin been talking to you? You desperately tried to get your friend's attention. You feel like you've been caught. The familiar feeling of warmth returns even stronger than before. Robin had definitely been the wrong choice for your excuse. She couldn’t have been talking to you, of course, if you hadn't wasted your time ogling Law, you would have noticed how Robin's dark hair had landed on your shoulder. She'd been sleeping quietly next to you for a few minutes.

Damn. Now you were sure. He had caught you. Cautiously, your gaze drifted back.

Law's gaze was also averted but his cheeks were blushed. And his gorgeous eyes had disappeared behind his cap again.

Law's chest was suddenly incredibly warm. Why hadn't he been paying more attention? Of course you'd catch him staring at you. Hopefully you didn't think anything bad of him. Nothing would be worse than that.

You were probably used to being stared at. The cook could hardly take his eyes off you three Strawhat ladies. But had Law just looked at you the same way? As he pulled his coat closer around him, he hoped fervently that his eyes didn't turn into hearts every time he looked in your direction.

With the most serious expression he could fake in this moment, he tried again.

But he hadn't expected your eyes to still be on him. Law was turning as red as a tomato. The warm feeling was everywhere again. And now he really couldn't be sure if his gray eyes hadn't turned into big hearts.

Because you were looking at him. And he looked back.

A small smile flitted across your face.

And Law awkwardly smiled back.

The cold and the storm were long forgotten. While the others were freezing and dreaming of warm summer light or cozy blankets,

two pirates were infinitely warm.

[blublublujk]

bound 2 (falling in love)

oneshot

word count: 6.5k

genre: fwb to lovers

pairing: yoongi x reader

summary:

You and Yoongi were okay with being friends with benefits... until you weren't.

warnings: i tried to focus on fluff (did you catch it or did i fail), explicit sexual content; unprotected sex (they make love to each other), choking and breath play (hello it's yoongi), multiple orgasms, slight overstimulation, crying (is it really my ff if there's no crying involved), creampie, very cute aftercare and i think that’s all, this is more sweet than anything lol

a.n: believe it or not this wasn't apart of my drafts i wrote this all one night because i couldn't sleep so thank my insomnia for this, it was about time i write about yoongi :D

also i noticed a lot of you are reading it was destiny and love always wins and i wish you guys wouldn't only because i plan to rewrite some of it and continue them at a further time (chaptered ffs are so hard for me rn since i don't have all the time in the world to dedicate myself to them but i promise to be back with those two series) thank you for everyone who takes time to read what i write it really means so much and your comments have been so motivating. thank you so fucking much for 2k notes on good girl, gone bad i havent seen numbers like that ever im so so grateful, thank you from the bottom of my heart. i'll try to be back one or two more times this month and happy late birthday to me hehe <3

—> m.list

—> welcome me on ao3 & twt

—-

It happened again.

Another failed date to add to the sad list of people that simply will never workout for you.

The list was growing longer as months passed. When you started this list, it was barely the start of a very hot summer. Probably the hottest it’s been in years, one can only assume the winter will not be any easier. 

And you were right. Winter was only beginning and it was brutally cold. The streets were moist from the previous night of harsh rainfall. 

What better time to date and settle down than now. When the world gives you rain, settle for the warm arms of a lover.

Unfortunately, you made a grave mistake thinking this would come easy. Ten first dates later and you are still very single and loverless. 

It is not easy to go out during a time like now, suffering at the sight of happy couples and their stupid happy lives. Really, it should disgust you. It used to. The whole concept of devoting your entire life to someone. The need to constantly feel the tender touch of another person. The desire to fall in love and do it all over again, you get it now. At least, you think you do. 

“I don’t think this is gonna work.” The words fall from your mouth in a quiet rush. The man across you sits in silence before he smiles in his loss. 

“Don’t worry, I figured. It seems your mind was elsewhere. I know you don’t want to pursue anything romantically, and that’s fine with me, but is everything okay?” 

Is everything okay? Well currently, yeah you’re okay. As for your heart, it’s heavy and strangely, you feel there’s a hole in your chest and it needs to be filled. That would fix things, you think. You have been single for so long that you forgot what it was like to love and cherish someone. Not that you have ever truly loved or cherished anyone, but you’ve gotten close. If a silly relationship you had in your sophomore year of high school counts. Then yes, you’ve totally been in love. 

“I’m okay. Thanks for asking. I didn’t mean to lead you on, if it ever felt like I did.” The apology seems bitter in your mouth. Another failed fucking attempt. How difficult can dating be? Have you really been this disconnected with the world around you? 

“Don’t stress it! Things happen. I hope you can find what you’re looking for. See you… around?” The man’s understanding response makes you feel worse. Maybe you should consider deleting Tinder and finding love naturally, if that’s still a thing in the contemporary life. 

“Yeah, totally!” And like that you’re off to the next. Giving yourself plenty of time to bathe in your disappointment and miserably cry about your failed attempts at finding what you’ve been missing. Who knew dating could be so difficult?

The walk back home is just as cold as the outcome of today’s date. Your date insisted he could drive you home and if not that then pay for a cab, but you didn’t live too far from the restaurant you both met at. Though he insisted, you figured this walk could refresh you after yet another failure. You were starting to regret it as the cold wind started roughly hitting your skin. Preserving the chilly weather, you genuinely couldn’t wait to get home and wrap yourself in a bundle of warm blankets and comfortable clothes. 

Cold hands struggle to open your door, you blow on them with warm puffs of breaths, soon making your way in and getting comfortable in your humble apartment. 

yoon: you up?

And that, that is what made this harder. The fact that you knew there was someone completely capable of loving and caring for you the way you desired. You have seen it with your own eyes. Every time you ended up in his bed, in his arms, you felt it. Deep down you know something is there and that something beats everything else. Maybe you’re just delusional, but you look for him in everyone else and you hate it. Hate because you will never be anything more than his personal little whore that comes at the sound of his call. 

me: yeah

Normally, you aren’t dry over texts, especially not with him so he’ll see right through you. You’re hoping for once, he can ignore it. 

He won't. 

yoon: you ok?

me: been better

yoon: wanna talk about it?

me: no, i'm ok

yoon: ok, wanna come over? 

Yes, because during a time like this all you want is the comfort and warmth of someone else’s touch and Yoongi has never failed at giving that to you. But he is not yours.

And you are not his. 

me: not feeling well. sorry.

yoon: sick? 

A white lie never hurt anyone. 

me: yeah, throat hurts

yoon: im sorry 

me: it's not your fault maybe another time.

Though you really shouldn’t say that. There should be no next time. That way you don’t suffer any longer and drag him down with you, considering everything you’ve been feeling and dealing with lately. It’s not fair to Yoongi, but especially yourself.

He doesn’t reply anymore and you can’t even hide your disappointment. You aren’t disappointed at him, okay maybe a little bit at him, but mainly yourself and your recently found complicated feelings. 

You and Yoongi started this whole mess a year ago, before you even realized what you truly wanted. It started off with subtle flirting here and there. They say not to mess with coworkers, given that it can complicate things at work and one should never play with their main source of income, but you did it anyway. You are still young and he only made you feel younger, like a teenage girl crushing over her forbidden crush at church. It was silly, but Yoongi made it easy. 

The flirting turned to one thing, then another. 

“We shouldn’t, not here.” Yoongi had you pinned outside the club you both worked at, leaving trails of wet kisses down your throat.

“Five more minutes.” His words were muffled into your skin as his hands explored your body. Yoongi’s touch was always way too soft for his own good and you fell victim to his deadly warmth. 

“If Mr. Kim finds out, he’ll kill us and fire us both.” That was a bit dramatic on your part and you swore you felt the taller smiling against your neck.

Yoongi drops one last kiss on your cheek as his hot breath hits your ear. “Not if I kill him first.”

You gasped, pushing him off you with a quick smack to his chest. “D-Don’t even joke like that.” 

Yoongi just laughed. 

“Okay, okay baby.” The term of endearment fell from his lips too easily and you melted into the dark night. “See you after work?” 

You only nodded, not being able to deny his temporary warmth and sweet presence. Then he dropped a kiss on your lips, leaving you just as quick as when he first found you. You were fucked.

From there, it only got worse for your sake. Your heart could only take so much. 

Really, you should blame things on him. It was his fault you fell in love with him and his stupidly soft hands. It was all his fault! He left you no choice but to love the feel of his lips against your skin, to easily melt under his soft gaze, and find comfort in his unnecessarily warm bed. Yoongi was perfect. Everything you could ever want. 

That’s why it was so fucking hard. Dating was hard enough, but after feeling Yoongi’s intimate touch, you were a complete goner. Though he was far from it, Yoongi touched you like you were his and he would fuck you like a lover would. Kissing and making love to you as if you were the most beautiful woman on Earth. It was all too much. 

Fuck, you really needed to get a grip.

The knock on your door makes you jump from your couch. 

Ten minutes longer and you would have fallen asleep exactly where you were lying. In outside clothes and all. You didn’t even bother taking off the outfit you had carefully planned thinking that this lucky outfit would have finally taken you somewhere. It didn’t. 

“Coming!” There’s not a single person that should be outside your door, especially at this hour. Your feet make their way to the door regardless and the blood from your face drains when you see the person standing behind the door. 

Quickly, you unlock your front door, rushing the taller inside. “Hurry! It’s freezing! What are you doing out here?” 

Yoongi’s cheeks are surely frozen, a pink dust decorates his cheeks and the tip of his nose. It almost makes him look cute. You were far more gone than you imagined. 

He hustles inside, carrying a fairly large brown bag with him. He brought… groceries? 

“Took you long enough.” The taller one makes himself at home, laying his bag on your coffee table. 

“What are you even doing here?” You ask again. 

He ignores you. “Thought you said you were sick. You don’t look very sick?” 

Yoongi looks at you with a questioning look, his eyes wander your outfit and guilt starts eating your insides. 

You cross your arms, an attempt to hide yourself in shame, but what’s done is done. “I- I had plans.” 

“Yeah, I see that.” He simply says, standing awkwardly in your living area. 

If this doesn’t convince you to delete that forsaken app for the sake of your dignity and shameful behavior, you don’t know what will.

“Anyways, w-what brings you here?” 

“Brought you some stuff.” His hand waves over to the bag he carried inside. 

“Stuff?” You question, a bit dumbfounded, planted still in your place.

“Tea, cough drops, some soup I made earlier this week. Oh and flowers.” Yoongi doesn’t seem at all embarrassed or fazed about the situation. Not that he should be, but he speaks with a puff to his chest, as if he wanted to ensure you understood his every word and action. Like any concerned lover would be. As if he was yours and you were his.

Oh.

This was so so bad. For you and your weak heart. Fuck.

“I-“ 

He cuts you off before you even get to speak. “I don’t know if you’ll like it. It’s just some plain seaweed soup. Usually helps me when I’m sick. I’m not sure what flowers you like, or if you even like flowers. Do you? Their tulips. I did a bit of research before. My mom likes tulips. I figured you might like them too.” 

He did research? Double fuck! 

Yoongi was nervously rambling, now he was slightly embarrassed. Pink flushes his cheeks and it wasn’t the weather’s doing this time. 

“Yoongi…” You start breathlessly and in disbelief. 

“What?” He nearly stutters, his hand is shaking. He’s nervous. Who would have thought? 

“Why.” Is all you manage to ask. 

“You were sick.” Is all he replies. As if things were really that simple. What next? Would he come rushing to the hospital if you suddenly fell ill? God forbid, but it was a valid question. 

What was going on? For a second, you entertain the idea. Maybe he fell in love between the blurry lines of this complicated relationship. Were the shared intimate memories too special for him to forget too? You weren’t sure anymore, but what did this all mean? Maybe he loves you, as much as you love him.

Thoughts keep spinning and you wish there was an easier way to turn off your brain. Not now.

“I know, but why? Why all this? Why for me?” Your vulnerability is showing and it makes you feel weak. Maybe your hands are shaking too. 

“I don't understand?” Yoongi searches for the answer in your glossy eyes, he’s tempted to reach out and comfort you. Have you in his hands, but he’s too coward. He doesn’t want you to feel the shiver of his touch right now. His vulnerability peaks through as well. 

Why not you? It’s always going to be you. 

“I-I’m nothing to you.” There’s a shiver again and then you break. 

Yoongi doesn’t care anymore. He’ll consider the consequences later. Right now, none of it matters.

His hands hold your face, ready to wipe the tears that threaten to leak from your precious eyes. He hopes his hands aren't cold anymore from standing outside for so damn long, but he couldn’t stop himself, in his selfishness and all.

His hands shake slightly, trying to stay strong as he lays it all on the table. “Y/N, you’re everything to me.” He whispers, eyes never leaving yours.

You lay your own hands on his, you feel so delicate around him when you wrap warm hands around his cold wrists.

“I-I am?” You ask between sniffles. His hands are still pretty cold, but they’ll soon warm up against your soft skin. Nobody knows how desperately you need to be touched until you are and then it’s like little fireworks spark inside your body. It consumes you in the best way possible.

“Of course. I thought I made that obvious.” His eyes are soft, different to how he typically looks at you, but you’ve seen these same eyes before. They are no stranger. It’s similar to the look he gives you when you catch him staring at you while you are deep in work. He pretends to look away as if he wasn’t admiring you from afar and you pretend that you don’t notice his curious eyes. It’s the same look he has after you both end up in heated makeout sessions, behind the rusty club you both work at. And it’s definitely the same look he has while he settles on top of you, whispering sweet words of praise and promise.

Nothing should feel different but it just does, there’s something in the way he looks down at you that lets you know that everything you’ve been searching for has always been right here. Right where you’ve been all along.

The taller leans in and you freeze struggling to keep your eyes on his. Yoongi’s thumb brushes against your cheek with a soft touch. You were fragile between his hands and he’s willing to do anything to keep his precious flower safe. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Yes. Please.” You whisper back in a hurry, scared that this would be nothing but a dream. It wasn’t time for you to wake up yet.

His eyes zero-in on your lips and then he’s kissing you. It’s not much different from other times. After all, you guys have shared plenty of kisses, probably more than you should have considering you guys were friends with benefits, at most. But this time, the kiss isn’t just a careless lust-filled doing, no this time the kiss is a promise. The promise to never again allow you to question his feelings and intentions towards you. 

If Yoongi has to spend his whole life making this up to you, he simply would because that’s how much you meant to him. He can’t believe he even let this go on for this long. He should have been more clear and careful, but he doesn’t regret a damn thing. Not when he has all the time in the world to repair the time lost. And especially not when his reckless actions led him to this. To you.

Yoongi’s lips are soft and bend with yours with ease. He takes his time, never in a rush. Especially not when he has you in-hand. 

The taller doesn’t escalate the kiss. He keeps it sweet and gentle, like he always has been. “I’m so sorry baby.” 

Kiss.

“For?” 

Kiss.

Yoongi has the whole world in his hands right now as he looks down into the sparkles in your eyes and he’s never been so sure about anything in his life. “For being a fucking idiot.”

Kiss. 

“It’s okay.” A kiss is shared again. “I was an idiot too. I was just scared that you wouldn’t want that with me.” 

“Want what?” The taller questions, fingers trailing your face, admiring the imperfections and all. 

“A relationship, I mean. You seemed content with how our relationship already was. I was afraid of losing that. Of losing you.” You admit, eyes fluttering at his touch. 

“Of course, I want that. I want that and more. I-I’m not the best with relationships. I’m only saying this because I want to be open and honest with you. There’s not a second you aren’t on my mind. While at work, you are all I can see. In a crowd of a hundred, my eyes always find yours. I don’t know how to explain what you do to me. But I don’t mind. I think if I ever lost that, I would lose my mind. So I’m sorry if I ever made you feel the opposite. There’s so much more I want to say, but I just don’t know how. I want that. I want that so bad. A relationship and whatever more you give me. I might not be the best boyfriend but I’ll do whatever it takes. I- I love you.” Yoongi’s words are heartfelt and he’s so relieved. One because he’s been keeping this in for so long, any longer and he would have exploded, but second because he’s been dying to say those three words. He really does love you and Yoongi doesn’t love many people in life, but if he had to choose, it’s always gonna be you. 

The tears that were creeping on your eye-lids fall prettily down your face, but Yoongi comes to your rescue. He’s quick to wipe them off your pretty face, tempted to kiss them away, but he keeps that in for now. “Y-Yoongi… I love you too. So much. I think I always have. You are so easy to love. The way you look at me, care for me, and always show up for me. That says more about you than anything else. I tried dating to get over what I felt for you, as you can probably tell, but nothing worked. It was so easy, Yoongi. So easy to fall in love with you. You’re perfect and I don’t doubt that you’ll be the best even after all this. I love you.”

“I love you too, I love you. Fuck, I love you.” Yoongi kisses you again and this time he isn’t as gentle. His lips are still soft as ever as they curl around yours. His tongue comes out and you immediately allow access, letting him explore your mouth. The taste is much better now that there isn’t anything you both are holding back. Everything down on the line and you couldn’t be happier. The hole in your heart was never empty, it was just waiting for this exact moment to remind you that you’ve always had it all. 

“Yoongi.” In between breaths you call his name and Yoongi feels his knees lock. “Take me to bed.” 

Yoongi just nods in a trance with the way your tone drips of arousal. A long strand of hair falls on his face when he picks you up with ease off your feet. He takes you to the place he’s had the honor to visit a hundred times before, but it’s different this time, much different. 

In the process of it all, something falls and it causes you both to laugh until you run out of breath. 

“I can’t believe that just happened.” You laugh into his ear. “You owe me a new lamp. My mother bought me that, you know. House-warming gift.”

“Fuck, sorry.” Yoongi mumbles near a whisper as he grips you harder like he’s afraid he might drop you next and the idea makes you giggle because you know he would never purposely hurt you. “I’ll apologize to your mother directly. Buy you and her a new lamp, whatever it takes.”

“What makes you think you are meeting my mother?” You tease with a smile on your face, watching the blush rise on his cheeks. 

“Well, I figured we could, you know, if you would like–” Yoongi doesn’t often get shy about many things but he can’t keep calm around you and that kills him softly.

“I’m just teasing you.” You say and he bites his lip. “Of course you’ll meet my mother and my father and my nosy ass family. I hope you like annoying, persistent grandma’s that stuff you full. My grandma’s the worst of her kind, but she’ll love you.”

“I would love to.” Yoongi simply replies, still whispering as if you guys had to keep quiet or else you’d be in deep trouble. 

“Why are we still whispering?” You whisper back, roaming fingers through his long, gorgeous hair. He needs to remind you to thank his mother personally for insisting he keep his hair long because it made him look pretty and you could never disagree. Yoongi’s so pretty. 

“I-I don’t know.” 

You both smile at each other before sharing another kiss. It’s so sweet and if you weren’t already off your feet, you would be floating by now. He’s gentle when letting you drop into the sheets below, he finds space between your legs and you wrap them around his hips. Lips still in contact, never losing the plushy feel. 

Everything starts to feel hot. Your hips start to slowly grind against his begging for any sort of friction. But the kissing doesn’t stop. 

Not when you start whining against his lips. 

Not even when Yoongi starts trailing his fingers down your waist and around your curves. He teases his fingertips against your waistline, soft to the touch. 

It’s not until you mewl loudly into his mouth, skillful tongue playing with yours, as you feel him start unbuckling your pants, button-by-button. 

Yoongi’s eyes are heavy-lidded, his gaze burning fire. “Gonna take care of you now, is that okay?” 

You furiously nod, coming up to kiss him once more, both your lips are raw and sensitive, but it gives you more of a reason to fix it with even more kisses. 

He drops one quick kiss onto your mouth before he trails down your jaw. Yoongi breathes in the sweet scent on your skin, wishing he could feel you even closer. “Smell so damn good.”

His voice is raspy against your ear and it makes you blush, while you feel his hand finally touch you where you had been aching with need. “Wanna hear you.”

Breathing lightly, you whisper. “Make me.” 

And of course, Yoongi makes you regret how fast you said the words because he delves his fingers forward with little resistance. Two fingers stretch you at the same time, gasping at the sudden sensation. 

By now, you were molded to fit Yoongi’s fingers. On days where you were really in need, you would take four, all at once. Yoongi was best at reading every expression, every crease and scrunch to your face, especially emotions. He knew exactly how to curve his fingers, the way to build you up, and bring you back down. Yoongi knew it all and he was so lucky too. 

He never anticipated it would have gone this far. It was just sex to begin with. But who were you both kidding, it was always much, much more. 

Yoongi curves his fingers in the way he’s used to and watches your mouth drop, sweet noises soon leaving your lips. “Feels good?” 

There’s no need to ask because he can tell. Your expression tells him everything he needs to know. That and the fact that you are dripping around his fingers but it’s sexier hearing it from you. 

“Yeah… f-feels so good.” With his other hand he tugs your clothes off, leaving you bare on the bottom. Remembering the first few times is a bit embarrassing, but Yoongi always made sure to take his time and make you feel comfortable. It was special and memorable in its own way, and Yoongi felt it too. 

This is unlike any first time, but it was technically the first time you could officially make love to each other until you fall lovesick and that had to be impossible around someone like Yoongi. 

“Hold your legs open for me, flower.” You try to ignore the warm feeling that buzzes in your chest, but you are sure your face says it all. Without another word, you spread your legs open, tucking both hands behind your thighs.

“Flower?” You breathe out with a bit of a struggle as his two fingers continue to pump deep inside you, brushing repeatedly against your g-spot. 

“Do you not like it?” Yoongi smiles slightly, biting his bottom lip while he watches you start to tremble, making the prettiest sounds. 

“I do. Why the new name?” Voice a bit unsteady but it does the job. Yoongi thinks of all the times he thought you were as pretty as a flower, which really was all the time. Especially, in the way he has you right now. Pretty, pretty as a flower. 

“I’ve always wanted to call you that. You’re pretty, sweet, delicate. Just like a flower.” He justifies his reasoning and you melt into puddles. 

“Yoongi.” Voice sweet as honey. 

“Yes baby.” He replies with ease.

“Make love to me, Yoongi.” 

There was a time in his life where Yoongi believed he could live without love. How foolish of him to think so. When he met you, it was a complete three-sixty. Suddenly, Yoongi started to look forward to his shit job. He looked forward to that time between breaks where he could admire you from the back like a pinning loser. Yoongi even started to like the walks he had to take to get to work because he knew that the path would eventually lead to you. He started looking forward to tomorrow's and to the bright future that led ahead. His mom would often complain that he was wasting his life away waiting for it to start, but Yoongi thinks life truly started the day he met you. 

It was a bit awkward because you couldn’t even look him in the eyes, intimated by the staff and new environment. You had previously worked in different bars so you assumed it would be no different and it wasn’t, but the intimidation of a new job was there nonetheless. Yoongi was there every step of the way. He had a crush on the new employee and you needed help on fitting in. Either way, your friendship was very platonic until it wasn’t. 

Yoongi knows he should have said something along the lines “hey, maybe we shouldn't be doing this anymore. I’m in love with you and I have been since you started working here” but the stupid words never made it out. He felt it would be too much to hear and it would only make him look like a complete loser. 

And you felt the same. It was silly really, because everyone around you knew it and there was no reason to fear someone as easy going and non-judgemental as Yoongi, nonetheless it brought you both here. After many failed dating attempts, you were finally happy and in the arms of someone who you truly love and want to be loved by. 

There was a time in his life where Yoongi believed he could live without love, now Yoongi believes your precious, sweet love brought him back to life and he wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. 

Clothes now discarded on the floor, heavy breathing filling the room, and Yoongi could get wasted on the smell of your intoxicating perfume. “Breathe flower.”

Yoongi felt you shiver at the sound of his words, throwing your head back as he thrusts you full of cock. He pushes inside you with gentle movements, struggling to keep himself up while feeling the tug of your warm velvet-like walls. 

You gasp feeling him hit your cervix in a calm, slow pace. It was breathtaking regardless of the gentle rhythm. “You’re so deep...”

“I know flower, breathe baby, breathe.” He is struggling to keep from coming inside you, overwhelmed by his own emotions as your eyes roll back, feeling the pressure rise in your belly. Without a condom, everything feels so different from other times, feeling every ridge and crease fold inside your drenching heat. You take him so nicely, like you always have. Like you’ve always belonged to him. 

You don’t even notice you stopped breathing until you start feeling lightheaded and desperate for fresh air. Breathing just as much as necessary so you don’t faint, you shake your head against his hold, his eyes watch yours, observing with curiosity. 

“No?”

“Mm, n-no.” You shake your head again, whimpering when you feel him kiss your cervix with his swollen tip, over and over and over. “Can– can you…”

“Can I what, pretty flower?” Yoongi rolls his hips a bit faster, feeling his orgasm build too quickly. He wishes he could have days with you like this always. Days to love and worship you from head to toe.

“Choke me.” You manage to say. “Don— don’t wanna breathe.” 

Yoongi growls deep, increasing his speed even more, desperate to fill the deepest part of your glistening folds. He feels you tense underneath, the sounds coming from your mouth are loud enough for your neighbors to hear, but Yoongi stopped giving a fuck about everything around him. 

He places a hand on your throat and squeezes gently, not blocking off your airways completely, but leaving you just enough air to work with. It drives you insane. The more you breathe, his rough thrusts take the air out from your lungs and the process repeats. It feels so good.  

“M-more. Harder.” You barely hear your own words, but Yoongi seems to understand because his dick is moving rapidly inside you, nearly splitting you in two. You wrap both hands around his wrist, loving the heavy weight against your chest. It’ll end too soon and it disappoints you in a way, but you have all the time in the world to make this up. “G-Gonna come.” 

Yoongi nods, concentrating on the way your face scrunches with pleasure. With love. The way your eyes tell him a story. God, Yoongi’s madly in love. “Come, my precious flower.” 

With those final words, you come on his bare slick cock, blossoming in the blissful afterglow. Yoongi doesn’t stop thrusting inside you, but he takes his hand off your throat, kissing your face gently when he sees tears start leaking down your cheeks. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay baby. Breathe for me. Slowly.” Yoongi’s words bring you back down and you throw your arms around him, crying against his shoulder. You don’t even know what invoked this strong emotion to sob your eyes out, but Yoongi allows it, caressing the back of your head. Yoongi doesn’t judge, he only holds you until you settle down. “It’s okay baby, let it out. Breathe, pretty flower.” 

“C-Come inside muh-me, please.” Even after all that, you still beg for him and Yoongi wants to laugh but for your sake and the fact that it’s endearing to him, he delivers accordingly without further questions. 

Right as he’s going to paint your walls white, he pushes himself up with one hand, still holding you with the other. “You sure?”

You’re confused about the sudden question, the tears still decorate your face but then you understand. “Birth control. Just come in me Yoongi, fuck me, fu-fuck.”

Yoongi doesn’t hesitate to regain his brutal pace, fucking you with purpose. Not that he doesn’t want kids in the near future, but he sure as hell doesn’t want any right now. He’s glad you are on the same page but maybe one day the conversation would spark and he wouldn’t want the mother of his kids to be anyone else but you. You were perfect for him. 

“Gonna come.” That’s the only warning you get, then he’s emptying himself inside your tight walls. He doesn’t stop rolling his hips, his slit leaking puddles, until he’s pumped himself dry. With one last thrust, he groans and carefully pulls out. 

He brings you with him, head falling against his chest as he continues to play with your hair, leaving kisses into your bare shoulders. “You okay baby?”

“Perfect. Feel so good.” You mumble into his skin, feeling around his waist. “I’m leaking your come into the sheets though.”

“I’ll take care of it, pretty flower.” You nod sleepily into his chest with a quiet ‘thank you’, feeling completely sated and satisfied, aching with exhaustion. “Sleep baby, I got you.”

With that, you fall deep into the shackles of sleep. Yoongi rubs your back until you completely fall asleep in his arms. He struggles to unwrap himself from your hold, but when he finally succeeds, he tucks you in and kisses your cheek a few times before getting up to clean up after the mess you both created. 

He’s light on his feet, bringing a warm towel to your slick folds and wipes as best he can, being gentle so you could continue to enjoy your sleep. Even like this, you look so beautiful and Yoongi is an extremely lucky man. 

Yoongi makes sure to also pick up the lamp he dropped from earlier as well. He blows out a breath of relief when he notices that the damage is nothing big and nothing that can’t be fixed. He’ll make sure to fix that as soon as he can. 

While he’s out there, Yoongi places the tulips into a vase and fills it with water, placing it near a window where it could grow and blossom beautifully near the sunlight. He even cuts the tips into slants because he had heard somewhere online they last longer that way, making sure to get rid of any dead leaves and petals. Yoongi couldn’t be happier.

After he’s done with the light cleaning, he washes his hands and feels the exhaustion hit him tenfold. He’s careful when placing himself back in bed, lifting your arm and placing himself underneath you. The man smiles when he feels you curl yourself around him, sleeping soundlessly. 

“I love you.” He whispers and even though you don’t say it back Yoongi feels it with the way you melt into his arms. Yoongi falls asleep easily that night. 

…

“Baby.” Yoongi hears someone call him and he ignores it. Sleep calls his name louder and he doesn’t feel like waking up right now so he groans and cuddles deeper into the bedsheets below him, unaware of the life around him. 

“Baby wake up.” You keep calling sweetly and it’s tempting but he persists.

“No. Don’t wanna.” Yoongi grumbles like an old man and you can’t help but to laugh. “Just ten more minutes.”

When you woke up the next morning, you were so thankful Yoongi had kept his promise. Your apartment was flawless and you were as clean as you could be. The tulips looked prettier today as the sun shined on the delicate petals. You even had time to warm the seaweed soup he brought from home and you couldn’t wait to get a taste. The smell alone is delicious and it warmed your home up nicely, you truly couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that this was no longer a dream but your reality. You could definitely get used to this. 

You drop kisses onto his warm cheeks until his eyes flutter open, almost similar to a cat. “There you are.”

Yoongi pulls you into his arms again with quiet noncoherent grumbles and closes his eyes once more. “Give me ten minutes.”

“It’s already been ten.” You whisper lightly laughing. 

“Oh. Ten more then.” You get comfortable on his chest and cuddle for a bit longer because you can’t say no to his cute sleepy self. 

Yoongi starts to sniff the air with curiosity. “Is that the seaweed soup I brought you?” 

“Mhm.” You hum. “Better get up soon before it burns.” 

That manages to be convincing enough and Yoongi forces himself up, with you in his embrace. 

“Wanna wake up like that forever.” He says, voice filled with sleep. 

“You can.” 

Yoongi snaps his heavy eyes towards you. “Are you–”

“Move in with me, Yoongi.” Yes, you skipped every step to this, but nothing was ever to code between you and Yoongi. One thing you were so sure of and that was spending the rest of your life with him. “Please.”

“I- yes, of course.” Yoongi wraps his arms around you for a tight hug, kissing your temple. “I love you. I love you and I’ll prove it to you every single day.” 

“I know, I love you too. I love you.” Those three words come out from your mouths so easily and it’s nice that you no longer have to ever hold back. The man of your dreams is in the palms of your humble home and he’s in love with you. This was better than any dream. 

“Let’s eat?” He says after some time of hugging and kisses being interchanged. 

You nod, letting him take you there. Your kitchen is filled with the cruel aroma of food and your tummy rumbles as you sit comfortably while you wait for him to serve you a bowl of the warm tasty soup. 

“I should be doing that. I’m a terrible host.” Yoongi shakes his head while smiling, the fluff of hair moving with him, then your phone dings. “Hold on, give me a second.” 

Your heart drops when you see it is a Tinder notification from a man you promised to get back to. You look over to find Yoongi serving your bowl, making his way to the table. He leans in puckering slightly and you immediately lean into the sweet sudden kiss while he places your meal in front of you. This Yoongi is new because it wasn’t often you could act domestically towards one another, however this was perfect and just what you needed. 

“Everything okay baby?” Yoongi asks while caressing your soft cheek and you immediately nod in his palm. 

“Yes, everything’s perfect.” You reply in awe. “Thank you Yoongi, for everything.”

For letting me love you and for loving me back. 

The older man just smiles and joins you for the meal. 

It turns out you didn’t need Tinder after all. 

You quickly delete the app off your phone and start to eat with the love of your life, conversation flows while you enjoy each other’s presence and fall deeper in love. 

Alike Yoongi, you couldn’t imagine it happening any other way. You were bound to fall in love, one way or another, but that man was meant to be yours as you were meant to be his.

[geminialchemist]

It’s been about a month since I beat Shadow of the Erdtree. Thinking it through, especially the ending, I think my thoughts have changed.

I think I hate that final boss and the lore around him even more than I did before.

Call me a Godwyn Stan, but I will die in the hill that he made far more sense than Radahn, and I’m gonna explain it.

Building up to the dlc, we know Miquella is close to three people in particular. His sister, Malenia, his father, Radagon, and his half brother, Godwyn. After Godwyn dies, Miquella becomes obsessed with bringing him back, or granting him a proper death. He tries an eclipse to bring him back, it doesn’t work, implied to be because the eclipse just will not happen. Now why would a heavenly body not move into its proper place again?

Oh yeah, Radahn! Guys got a hard on for holding back the stars. So it made sense that him being dead was a dlc requirement, on top of why Malenia would have fought him in the first place. It just fueled the idea we were going to see Godwyn even more.

Yeah, Godwyn is dead. I keep seeing that argument thrown around like it means literally anything. He’s super dead, prince of death, lord of the undead, blah blah, this argument is nothing but noise. The Realm of Shadow is where all things that die pass through. It’s basically the land of the dead! This argument that Godwyn is dead, to me, is the single dumbest argument against his return when you’re in a place all dead things go. That’s like saying Godwyn’s soul is trash, so you shouldn’t expect to find him in a garbage dump. If there was a single narrative way to bring that beautiful idiot back, it would be in this dlc because of where it takes place. If they had brought him back this way, no one would have batted an eye at its inclusion.

So, the dlc takes place in the land where all dead things pass through that is super hard to get to through by any normal means, so no one could really try to revive Godwyn this way. It has a plot where Miquella, who is obsessed with bringing Godwyn back, is trying to revive someone from death by shoving them into a new body, and then they don’t do it? They bring back Radahn like that made any form of narrative sense? Like two missable lines of dialogue from two separate NPCs can satisfyingly explain this stupid idea?

I don’t know if it was Miyazaki or GRRM who wrote this, but maybe next time they should let the intern with no writing experience do the plot for the next game, they might do a better job at crafting a sensible narrative.

There is so much to love about this dlc, and I’ve said it before in a previous post that I’m just better at airing out my grievances at a thing than my praises. But when I replay it, I have such a hard time finding the motivation to finish the second half of the dlc, knowing that is what waits me at the end. It feels like such a waste.

Rant over. I hope you have a nice day.

Edit: you know what, rant is not over(but I still hope you had a nice day)! This entire mess of a plot could have been avoided if they just… didn’t have Miquella resurrect anyone! Have an original boss! It’s almost as if this plot was designed with online discourse in mind because there is no way to not think of Godwyn when you think of Miquella trying to bring someone back from the dead!

Okay, now I’m done.

[judeswhore]

breaking up with jude and having to take all his things back to him

omg wait i actually wrote something abt this for a fic i was gna write and then scrapped so u can have it here, it’s not the best but

"y'know you could've just asked me to drop these off for you. then you wouldn't have to see him." katie riffled around in the bottom of her bag in search for something, her tone light despite her words and she only glanced at you briefly while waiting for a reply. tearing your gaze from the house across the road you shook your head, wiped your sweaty palms across the material of your trousers.

"i want to see him."

"you want to see him?"

"yeah. no. i don't know, kinda? i don't want him to think i've taken the break up badly."

him being jude. after almost three years of dating he'd brought the relationship to an end, a decision he promised you he hadn't made lightly. for you it was out of the blue, you hadn't been fighting and there'd been no signs, sure you hadn't seen each other much with uni and his career but that was something you'd grown used to. for him it had been building. he said he couldn't handle the distance anymore, that it was getting too much to love someone who was never around. you got it, sort of, but that didn't make it hurt less. this conversation had happened two weeks ago, you'd only just found the motivation to peel yourself out of bed to return a bunch of his things.

from across the car, katie threw you skeptical look.

"you've cried every day since and consumed like half of england's ice cream supply. you have taken it badly." you huffed and leaned into the back seat to grab the box, careful not to let anything tumble out when you pulled it into your lap.

"he doesn't need to know that." you best friends mouth opened, a disapproving retort on her tongue but you beat her to it, pushing the car door open. "i'm okay now. i want to do this in person." you stumbled out with the box, turning to close the door behind you but katie had leant across, her face soft, eyes just a little sad.

"hey, he doesn't deserve you, remember? this was his loss."

at his front door you simply stared for a few moments, unable to lift to your hand and knock. returning the things he'd left at your place made the break up seem much more real, like giving him his hoodies back meant it was a done deal. you were handing over a piece of your heart with the box of his belongings, because no matter what, that would always belong to him too. a dog barked a few houses down and forced you into action, your fist coming down three times on the white door.

there was a few seconds of silence, the click of the lock and then the door swung open, revealing a freshly showered jude. the first glimpse of him in two weeks tugged at your chest, made your tummy dip and it was difficult pushing back the overwhelming urge to press against him. your body told you to kiss him, habits didn't die easily, your mind trying to catch up with the slight difference in his appearance. he'd grown his beard a little longer and his hair hadn't been cut in the time you'd been apart. his bottom lip was cut.

"hi." his voice cracked and he made a face, sent you a half sheepish smile before clearing his throat. "hey."

"i brought your stuff." straight to it. you weren't sure you could stand here and exchange small talk with him without breaking down. there was the smallest bit of comfort in the fact that he looked as bad as you felt. there were dark circles under his eyes, he obviously hadn't been sleeping, and the grey joggers he was wearing had a multitude of different stains down them. something tugged again at your chest and you swallowed thickly, thrust the box not so gracefully towards him. "i think i packed everything, i can- if i forgot anything i'll get katie to drop it off."

like you should have gotten katie to do today because looking at him hurt so much you felt like your heart was breaking all over again. the air around you was tense and awkward, jude kept shuffling from one foot to the other and you couldn't stop your palms from sweating. it was strange how someone who used to make you feel so safe and loved suddenly made you want to disappear inside yourself. jude took the box with careful hands, palms flat against the bottom to avoid brushing your fingers. the second he had hold of it you tucked your hands into the pocket of your hoodie. you didn't want him to see them shaking.

"you didn't have to drop them off, i could've come by." he could have but you knew deep down he wouldn't have. something told you he would've avoided you at all costs until he went back to germany. "but thanks. d'you wanna come in?" your gaze snapped up to his from where you'd previously been focused on his shoulder. "to get your things. i packed them up when you text earlier."

"oh. yeah, sure." you nodded and followed him into the familiar living room, the pain in your chest doubling when the scent of his aftershave washed over you. there was a box of your things on his sofa, your clothes and make up, small things you'd left behind, things you never thought you'd have to take back. placed at the very top of the box was one of jude's england shirts, one of the first ones he'd warn for the senior team, the one you always wore around his house. nausea rolled over you at the fact he was giving you it.

"i don't need that." jude followed your gaze and you watched his throat bob on a swallow as he dropped his own box down beside yours. his fingers brushed the material.

"it's basically yours, it doesn't fit me anymore so i don't need to keep it. i thought you'd want it." you only shook your head, you couldn't wear that shirt knowing that it was connected to a part of your life that didn't exist anymore. jude always made comments about how he liked seeing his girl in his shirt, he'd always pull you close and smother you in kisses and tell you how pretty you looked. you couldn't wear the shirt knowing you weren't his girl anymore, knowing one day someone else would wear that shirt. that he'd find another girl. you tried to talk around the lump that had settled in your throat.

"i don't want it, jude."

"right. no, of course not." again he cleared his throat and you needed to leave, needed air before the tears started and you collapsed in his living room. jude took the shirt and held it between both hands. for a few moments you were both quiet, watching each other, unsure what to say and before you could blurt something you'd regret, you reached for the box.

"i should-"

"i am sorry, y'know. i didn't- i never wanted to hurt you."

"but you did."

"i know and it's killing me. i should've told you how i was feeling instead of letting it drag out and leaving you in the dark. you didn't deserve that." his words were rough and you'd known him long enough to know he was fighting back tears. you also knew if you watched him cry, you'd also cry and you'd promised yourself you wouldn't do that in front of him. you wouldn't let him see you vulnerable like that again.

"no, i didn't."

"baby-" the endearment slipped from his lips from habit and you froze on your turn to the door, stomach dropping and that ache building even more in your chest. jude shook his head a little and rubbed the back of his neck, his bicep straining against the soft cotton of his shirt. "i'm sorry."

"i know you are but that doesn't make me feel any better. i don't- i can't have this conversation again, i can't hear you say you don't love me anymore, jude." pain and regret twisted his features and he shook his head. he made to reach for you but thought better of it, pressed his hands to his sides.

"i didn't stop loving you."

"stop it." your bottom lip wobbled and you had to stare straight at his chest to avoid the look in his eyes. "you can't- i don't want you to lie to me. you broke up with me, you don't do that if you love someone."

"that's not fair."

"life isn't really fair, is it?" without thinking, your fingers raised to tug at the necklace around your throat, a nervous habit you'd picked up years ago. it was only then that you even realised you were still wearing it, the silver "j" suddenly feeling hot and heavy against your skin. "oh, i forgot.."

setting the box down again, you fiddled with the clasp, awkwardly unclipped it before letting the piece of jewellery drop into jude's palm. he stared at it for a few seconds before shaking his head, trying to push it back towards you but you'd already picked the box back up.

"no, this is yours, you don't need to give me it back."

"i'm not gonna keep wearing it, jude. why would i?"

"because-"

"i'm not yours anymore, remember? i'm not gonna wear a necklace that says i am. i don't want it." your tone was harsh, harsher than necessary and it made him flinch, his brows drawing in. "wearing that let me pretend that this wasn't real, that it wasn't actually happening but it is and i can't keep lying to myself. everything reminds me of you and it hurts. i don't want it to keep hurting."

jude dropped his gaze, let his eyes instead focus on your hands. you were both quiet for a few seconds, neither knowing what to say. you'd gotten everything out of your systems the day of the break up, there was nothing else to say other than goodbye. you cleared your throat and nodded a little awkwardly towards the door.

"katie's waiting for me."

for the second time in as many weeks, jude let you walk away without another word.

[ndjournal]

How’s your dream going?

it’s been a while since i’ve heard about you!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

Dearest anon, my dream is well and peaceful although I am indifferent to it either way now which is what makes it peaceful and effortless :)

I considered writing a post on my learnings but was a bit hesitant because it's just another version of an experience that's already been spoken/written about many times before and there's nothing particularly special about this one. However, since you've asked, I will share some things about my journey and what has helped me personally which might help other Vanessas/versions of me out there. Please only take what resonates, my journey is not a blueprint for all journeys however I have noticed some commonalities in truth seekers.

The biggest thing was quite literally giving up entirely. I actually wrote a post on giving up about 3 months ago when I was earlier into this 'journey' and I still agree of course with what I wrote however I would write it differently if I were to write it now (it would be a more expanded version); perhaps I will write a part 2 although this answer here can sort of be taken as a part 2. You see, this Vanessa's life was quite comfortable in general so when she started on the ND path, while she was very determined to "get it", I wasn't motivated or entirely willing to give her up. We spent a lot of time letting go of concepts and limitations (and that definitely helped later on so I'm not saying it's not helpful, do what resonates for you!) and Vanessa/the ego was becoming subtler and subtler but it was still something I held onto. There was still identification with not much motivation to give it up entirely - sure there had been desire and interest to 'materialize' things but when we gave that up too, there wasn't anything. I was still lost in Maya despite the dream not being all that captivating or enjoyable.

Then quite literally life circumstances all of a sudden threw some major curveballs and Vanessa was terrified despite all that she had learned - it felt like all knowledge had suddenly disappeared and she had absolutely nothing to hold onto. After trying various things and going round in circles trying to keep everything at bay, the only thing left that really resonated was to quite literally give up on everything - it felt like there was no other option for peace but to do so because she was so mentally exhausted and drained from caring about every single thing that it was so much more appealing to be nothing and no one, to just BE… oh just the thought of being nothing and no one was freeing.

4dbarbie's words here gave Vanessa a lot of strength and direction (although her answer there was for a new identity, I did not use it for that as it was exhausting to even think of a new identity. I just wanted to be nothing and no one, that was most peaceful)

Give UP: It is what it is and 'you' can't do anything about it. Just let it all happen, we all die one day and it's over anyway. Worrying, fearing, doubting, striving, searching, desiring - how tiring, you would much rather sleep a hundred years. No matter what, you can't force life to give you what you want. Allow everything its being and leave it alone. Expect nothing from your body or mind. Let them do whatever they want, cease caring. Literally dgaf, if life wants to beat you, just let it beat you. (Ever had a bully? They get bored when you stop reacting and they leave you alone. They may increase the strength of their punches at first, but so what? You're already getting bullied... you can do nothing about it but cease caring and let it happen.)

And also this from 4dbarbie helped me understand the indifference that I had to embody:

I did not fake a lack of disturbance, I just let things happen to 'me' painful or not, I did not try not to react, I just didn't get involved emotionally with what was going on because I was tired, completely, of both desiring and being scared. The emotions didn't interest me anymore, I became indifferent to whatever was happening, neutral. If 'I' got what I wanted, whatever, if I didn't whatever again. I didn't try to change anything, the events just passed without leaving a 'footprint', all the bad/unwanted things had no reverberations anymore, it was like they never existed. Then there comes the idea of: what if they never actually did? And you fiddle and play with that a little. It's just play because you don't really care anymore, it's a real feeling of being unaffected, it's not manufactured because you aren't trying to get anything, not even 'realization', you want nothing anymore. This detached feeling, of needing nothing - it brings a lot of power, try to at least reach that and worry about the rest later.

She knew she had to stop trying to fight life but she was afraid of what would happen if she did stop trying. Eventually she got exhausted and had nothing left. Then no longer wanting/searching/trying to make happen any particular outcome or caring anymore, just pure indifference being in the present moment with no conditions/labels/problems is what gave her peace and then things just starting to ease up on their own. Things even happening on their own with just a random thought without any particular input.

I realized all the practices that Vanessa did before the curveballs had a 'doing' intention, a 'purpose' behind them (quieting the mind, self-realization, dropping beliefs etc) while afterwards, the same 'practices' were engaged again but with the intention of just being with no labels, no agenda, just being nothing and no one and this made all the difference - when you are no longer doing anything - you are not the doer/body/ego/mind; you're just being with no identification and no longer care about anything. And the indifference here is not forced or pretend like she used to have before as a defense mechanism, its genuine true indifference and full acceptance of everything (see the second 4dbarbie excerpt above - understanding and experiencing this subtle difference will help a lot).

The reality only comes when you give up yourself, when you give up your ego, when you give up your needs, your wants, trying to make something happen, desires, when you give up trying to become self-realized, when you just give up. - Robert Adams

Life is just a giant mirror of your Self. When you stop fighting it, it will stop too. But you have to be the one to initiate it. It takes courage and faith for sure to take that leap.

It has no choice but to die. What you take to be reality is the same, take away your identification and it soon ceases to be. - 4dbarbie

It can be easy to get lost in the dream again if you get caught up in the 'materialization' aspect - it's all still a dream even if forms change. Lester also talked about this in No Attachments, No Aversions:

I knew these things were not to be latched on to. I knew that if I got interested in them, I'd stop progressing. I had seen by this time that this world is a mentation - a dream. So to get interested in the dream again through interest in powers would trap me back into what I was wanting to get out of. - Lester Levenson

Also remember these things happen on their own, it's not the ego that's doing any of this and Self doesn't 'do' - Self is just effortlessly being. There's no 'doing' involved. If there's effort, it's ego as Lester said.

Now when I read my past blog posts or read Lester or Robert, there's an entirely new level of understanding and resonance with their words from before. This excerpt from Silence of the Hearts speaks more on what I was experiencing as well.

Let go of everything. Do not hold on. Stand naked before God, without any crutches, without anything to hold on to. There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to stand naked before God. By standing naked I mean no scripture, no fancy words, no preconceived ideas, no spiritual intellectual knowledge. - Robert Adams

Perhaps without those curveballs, Vanessa would have continued to live in the illusion like an NPC in a Sims game until something like that happened to her and forced her to completely give up on everything and stand naked before God (her Self).

A day will come when you will long for the ending of the dream with all your heart and mind, and be willing to pay any price; the price will be dispassion and detachment and the loss of interest in the dream itself. Once you have seen that you are dreaming, you shall wake up. - Nisargadatta Maharaj

Now I know all happens by itself and I am just witness to it all. To all Vanessas out there, I know you got this. Follow your heart and trust in what resonates! And remember not to compare yourself to others, we are all One. Everything will be okay 💜💜💜

[diazsdimples]

JAMES JAMES JAMES HERES AN OFFICIAL ASKING *BEGGING* YOU TO WRITE YOUR BUDDIETOMMY/EDDIETOMMY FIC THAT YOURE WXCITED FOR AND NOW YOU HAVE TO WRITE ITS THE LAW. IDK WHAT EMOJI IT WAS IF IT WAS EVEN ONE BUT 🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️

THATS 60 SENTENCES THAT YOU HAVE TO WRITE NOW. YOU GOT THIS BABY YOURE GONNA DO SO GOOD YOURE GONNA WRITE IT RIGHT? 😘😘😘

Here’s my favourite picture of Eddie Diaz for motivation 💜

I would do anything for Eddie Diaz, just you watch. LOOK AT HIM. Also I wrote 1.5k for this in one sitting, the beans are SO BACK!

Though he’ll never admit it, looking at Tommy is one of his favourite things to do.

If you asked an outsider, they would probably say that Buck’s the most attractive out of the three them, with his boyish good looks, bright blue eyes and bulging muscles beneath the obscenely tight shirts he wears. He’s got the cutest dimples in his cheeks that pop out whenever he’s got that mischievous smile on his face, and that alone regularly makes Eddie’s knees turn to jelly.

Tommy though. Tommy is handsome in an almost classical, old-timey Hollywood kind of way. Where Buck is softness and fuzzy around the edges, Tommy is all sharpness and angles. His cheekbones are so pronounced that Eddie often marvels that he doesn’t cut a finger when he caresses them. The cleft in his chin is a perfect shape, and Eddie’s thumb nestles in it like it was fit to size when he kisses Tommy senseless.

And now, looking at Tommy with the wind through his hair, a smile on his face, and a pale orange tank top that gives Eddie just the slightest hint of a nipple? Eddie wants to pull the car over and ride Tommy until he can feel him in the back of his throat.

He won’t do that though – they’ve just given the Chevelle a new leather interior and he’ll be damned if he’s going to ruin it already.

The drive to Point Dume is stunning. The sun glints off the ocean like light on a sapphire, blue and sparkling as the waves crash against the shore, and the high cliff faces on their right are large and imposing, making Eddie feel small.

The beach houses along the coast are large and luxurious – and will probably be non-existent in a few years if climate change has anything to say about it – and Eddie and Tommy entertain themselves by pointing out what style of architecture they’d look for if they ever retired to the seaside. Tommy likes the classical, almost ramshackle style of the older beach houses, whereas Eddie’s drawn to the sleek lines and metal beams of the more modern styles.

Not that it matters anyways, because on their firefighter’s salaries they’re lucky they can even afford to rent a place big enough for them and Chris, but it’s always fun to dream.

Tommy pulls over in Malibu and they each get an ice cream cone, leaning against the hood of the car while they eat.

Eddie’s not usually one for public displays of affection, usually seeing them as tacky, but he leans into Tommy’s side, humming as his boyfriend slings an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer.

“Everything okay?” Tommy asks as he presses a kiss to the crown of Eddie’s head.

“Yeah,” Eddie hums, tucking his head under Tommy’s chin. “Just like being here with you.”

“You’re so sappy today, what’s gotten into you?” Tommy laughs.

It’s because I love you. I love you and I’m here with you and it’s perfect.

The words stick in Eddie’s throat, unable to come out. He’s been thinking them for a while now, but no matter how hard he tries, the moment never feels right to say them to Tommy. With Buck, they fell out of him as easy as could be. Like it was second nature, something he’d kept inside him for years and was finally able to say them aloud. But for some reason, Eddie feels like the first time he says it to Tommy needs to be on some grand occasion, with fireworks in the background and Buck watching as his boyfriends declare their love for one another.

Maybe, after today, they’ll finally break free from Eddie’s mouth.

Instead, Eddie pokes Tommy in the side. “Am I not allowed to show affection for you once in a while?”

“Of course you are,” Tommy replies, expertly dodging the nip Eddie aimed at Tommy’s neck. So, he’s got a bit of an oral fixation? Sue him. “I’m not complaining.”

Eddie stretches up to kiss Tommy’s cheek, before darting forward and taking a chunk out of Tommy’s ice cream. He wrinkles his nose in distaste as the bitterly cold flavour of mint explodes in his mouth and lets out an exaggerated gag.

“You’re an idiot,” Tommy laughs as Eddie takes a few hurried licks of his own ice cream, keen to replace the mint with something much more agreeable. “What did you do that for?”

“I forgot you like to eat frozen toothpaste,” Eddie grumbles in response. He lets out a quiet moan of appreciation as the softer, warmer flavour of rum and raisin coats his tongue.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you don’t appreciate the finer things in life.”

“I appreciate you and Buck, don’t I? I’d say that’s pretty good taste.”

Tommy snorts, reeling Eddie in for a breathtaking kiss. He’s minty and cold, his tongue sweeping across Eddie’s lips, making them tingle in its wake. A groan rumbles low in Eddie’s chest as Tommy kisses him, his hand firm against Eddie’s back.

“Touché, Mr. Diaz,” Tommy murmurs as he pulls away. “Sassy little shit that you are.”

Eddie grins and blows Tommy a kiss. He finishes the last of his ice cream in a few hasty bites, before flopping back into the passenger seat of the Chevelle.

“Come on, if we don’t send Buck a photo of the cove in the next few minutes, he’s going to think we’ve crashed and go frantic.”

Tommy snorts, knowing Eddie’s not far from the truth, and climbs back into the driver’s seat. There’s a soft look on his face as he gives Eddie a quick kiss before throwing the car into gear, and it makes Eddie feel as though he’s been filled with hot air.

The drive through the exorbitant neighbourhood that is Point Dume is probably one of Eddie’s favourites that he’s done with Tommy.

They probably look like a couple of weirdos as they cruise slowly past the lavish mansions, making pointed comments about the designs and the landscaping. Tommy even boldly announces at one point that if it were up to him, decorative cacti would be illegal. Eddie giggles as Tommy tells him about the times he was drunk as a teenager and had repeatedly fallen into the cactus outside his grandparents’ home. It had taken three separate occasions of his grandmother picking prickles out of his asscheeks before they’d taken Tommy aside and asked him to cut back on his drinking – or to at least watch where he was going if he was going to sneak back in.

[poppy-metal]

haunted by beyonce is so creep au. i was about it because i love my little freaks and listening to that song. would making a spotify playlist for it be too far lol? little sneak peek...

he spends the rest of his time at college a near recluse. re-reading your old letters. he crumbles them in his hand and feels a need to punch or stab at something but every time he finds himself smoothing them out gently. he tries to channel his anger into other ways. tries not to let this fester in him and make him even worse but it's too late for him to decide. how is he meant to move on when he can't hear a bird chirp without all his thoughts turning to you? 

-☕

AURRRRRRRR

he graduates stanford. its all hazy. he went kind of comatose after your last letter. he sat in his room for days just..... staring at the ceiling. numb. he gets precariously close to failing all of his classes and only slightly comes out of it when he's confronted by patrick and his grandmother calls him worrying about him. he manages to pull himself enough together to push through his last semester. worst of all - he stops playing tennis for awhile. anything that used to make him happy just pisses him off. he moves states with patrick when he offers because the thought of being alone is too daunting. he doesn't trust himself.

patrick and art buy an apartment together - patrick goes pro - art...... stays home. the reality of your absence hits him months later and he comes out of his numb state of shock and its bad. he's self destructive and meaner and he cries more often than he ever used to. he burns half your letters - almost burns the apartment down doing it - but stops halfway through and saves the last remaining ones. he rereads them religiously. he wonders how all of it could be fake. he wonders why he didn't just throw them away when they first started coming. why did he have to engage? he thinks the worst of himself - what kind of pathetic deranged freak he must be to have found these words appealing? to be touched? to fall for someone he doesn't even know? patrick worries about him. they fight alot. patrick isn't used to this kind of art. this miserable, sad, snappish art. he tries to get him back into tennis - but everytime art holds a racket he feels sick. he remembers how much you wrote about it - his tennis. how beautiful you thought he was when he played. how you'd always been watching him. he thinks about you seeing him on TV and not even recognizing him because of how little he meant to you.

he tells patrick he's taking a hiatus from tennis thats all. the media goes crazy about it. but he deactivates all of his accounts.

its been a few years now and people are getting antsy. they want art donaldson back. patrick is niggling him again. he says art looks alot better than he did before. that it'd be good for him. art doesn't know what he wants. being famous again doesn't feel as thrilling as it used to. he wants to be normal again, though. he's gotten good at pretending, at least. he has a job at his local bookstore and he can smile at people and he's having sex and he goes out with patrick sometimes. there's no reason he shouldn't be back out there.

but he's not okay. he's a viper wrapped in the body of a man. he's filled with poison and he wants to inject it into the world around him every day. he still writes to you - he texts your old number - senseless things. the rambles of a mad man. he wants you to turn on the TV and see him step out onto a court as art donaldson again and he wants you to feel him through the screen. he wants you to be watching when he wins and he wants you watching when an interviewer asks him what its like to be back so he can look at the camera and pretend its your eyes he's meeting through the screen when he says, "I've never felt more motivated."

"and what's motivating you, mr. donaldson?"

a smile. "reconnecting with an old friend."

the good thing about being back into tennis, art has found - is the money. money he can use to find you. money he already plans on using to find you.

[aqours]

"Aqua has an Oedipus complex-" first of all beyond the fact the only way you could possibly think this is you never read or watched OnK at all and just read a synopsis and didn't bother to verify if it was accurate or not- this is actually the weakest way you could possibly interpret the nature of the feelings Goro/Aqua had regarding Ai. like, even ignoring the fact that Aqua has such an extreme lack of an Oedipus complex to the point he actively refused to breastfeed from Ai because it would have been creepy and inappropriate to him, everything about Aqua's feelings regarding Ai if anything read as parental quite frankly

Gorou Amamiya became Ai's fan because of Sarina. Because Sarina was somebody important to Gorou that he comforted in her last days, he became a huge fan of Ai in order to carry on Sarina's wishes and to keep supporting her and became a genuine diehard idol fan in the process. Then, he met Ai while pregnant: and had a heart-to-heart conversation with her. And came to the conclusion that Ai was somebody he wanted to support in any capacity. He could have been like Ryousuke and actually become possessive of her and feel like she betrayed him: he did not. He was a medical professional that put aside his own feelings as "a fan" to support her both as a doctor and as a fan in his own way by wishing for her sincere happiness as opposed to an image sold to fans.

He wanted to see her grow up happy and healthy. If Ryousuke had not killed him and there was no murder plot at all? The plot of this story probably would have been about him moving to Tokyo after talking to Ai's manager saying that someone needs to be their family doctor while keeping their secret and him taking the roll. The series would have been about Gorou as the Hoshino family doctor and how he supports them as a member of the sidelines who gives support in his own way.

Aqua never really refers to Ai as his mother much outside of situations when it'd be weirder if he didn't. It's very explicit he does not have a romantic or sexual attraction to Ai in this new life: he already didn't, but now it's like, Negatively So Actually. No longer able to support her as a doctor he even took an acting gig JUST to help further and bolster Ai's career. It's beaten into your face with the subtlety of a dozen hammers to your face his only desire is to watch Ai grow up safe and happily and succesful.

Aqua's/Gorou's relationship with Ai was someone who wanted to see her grow up to be happy. And after some waste of life incel murdered her? To want to make sure that was avenged. Because he was someone older than Ai who valued her and wanted her happiness above everything else in the world, and views the person who is responsible for that as someone who's life is forfeit. Because Ai was a good person who didn't deserve her fate and as someone who only ever wanted to support her, wants to make sure that her memory can rest in peace completely.

If anything, the feelings Aqua/Gorou had towards Ai are parental in nature. So much about his motivations read like a father who wants to avenge his daughter's murder, to kill the man that denied her the happiness the child deserved.

"OnK is soooooooo gross the mc has an Oedipus complex and is a p*do-" not only is this a reading you can only get from a five second sypnosis read and being determined to hate OnK for brownie points, it's not even the right fucked up dead dove way that you could describe their relationship.

EDIT: I feel the need to address this, as it's talked in reblogs and some notes! I never expected this to get notes, and I mostly wrote this in one go. Please understand I wrote this post from the perspective of purely writing Aqua's feelings for Ai purely from a familial perspective. The reality is that Aqua's feelings are complicated and can be read in many different ways: from familial, to that of a lover, to someone who puts Ai on a pedestal as the ultimate Idol and the ideal of what a "true" fan would be: someone who loves their Idol for who she is as opposed to a toxic image. I don't fully 100% agree with this post anymore, but if I had to chose only one familial way for Aqua to view Ai I would probably still default to "vengeful father who wants to avenge his daughter's death." BUT Aqua's feelings are ultra complicated and are on an entire spectrum ranging from "wholesome" to "outright disturbing," so please don't take my words as like a single sure-fire way to interpret him! ty all <3

[lesgetittkookie]

redamancy - jjk (part iii)

⤖ genre: fluff, future smut, angst, gardener!jeongguk x rich!reader, okay but jeongguk isn't really a gardener like that but you'll see, kinda slow burn but not really

⤖ pairing: jeongguk x female reader

⤖ rating: 18+

⤖word count: approx. 14.1 k words

⤖ chapter warnings: explicit language, angst

summary: jeongguk is just a normal dude with a simple routine. wake up, go to the gym, work his job as a waiter at this posh upscale restaurant in the heart of gangnam before coming home to a night full of video games and ramen (it's delicious and cheap). that routine gets disrupted when he accidentally taps the back of an expensive sports car of one of the richest men in south korea. considering he's broke, he couldn't afford to pay for the damages so the man makes a deal with him by offering him to work at his house as one of the gardeners. jeongguk takes it but wasn't prepared to meet this beautiful young woman who's constantly lounging by the pool, you, the rich man's daughter.

author's note: hi hi hi pls don't kill me yall. i know it's been MONTHS since i last posted. there were many life changing events that occurred in my life and it really held me back from ever completing part 3. i had half of it written in august but it was left abandoned for a while because of my college semester. i also lost motivation to write for so long too. im gonna be honest, i hate this chapter. no matter what i wrote, i was not happy with it at all and im still not. but i didn't wanna keep you guys waiting. the only thing i ask from you is that if you can really give me feedback and thoughts on the chapter, it would be really helpful. seeing you guys enjoy it keeps me motivated to continue writing, the more motivated i am, the sooner i can post future parts. im on summer break so i would really like to finish this story if possible. pls don't be a silent reader. i hope you guys like this chapter. xx M.

taglist:@janedukiesworld@rjsmochii@mwitsmejk@jjeonjjk7@whoa-jo @linda-botello @dewamused @tearsdntfall617 @taehyungseggs @thoudailydeets @hobiiihope @miss-jupiter @petalsofink @imjustreadingig @guksunshine @iheartsvt @rainnyrh @axniyx @kookies-n-spice @carolsummerlove @rievjjks @dopedreamfireparty @

“You’re going to what?” Jeongguk asks, almost dropping the garden snippers on his foot. 

Dohyun jumps a little at the older man’s loud voice, almost dropping the flower bouquet. He dusts off his white button-up, fixing the collar. 

“I’m going to ask Y/N on a date,” He reiterates proudly. “I got her these chocolates from that fancy chocolate store,” He holds up the white box wrapped in a baby pink bow. “And some roses from my aunt’s flower shop.” His other hand props up the bouquet, plastic rustling when he shakes it. 

No way. There’s no way he’s actually going to ask you. Not when you literally just said last night that you don’t have any form of feelings for Dohyun. But you also did mention that you wouldn’t have the heart to turn him down, not wanting to see him hurt. 

God, why did you have to be so nice? Are you actually going to accept the date when Dohyun asks you? 

He looks at Dohyun who seems to be in a daze, probably daydreaming about you and him together. He shivers at the thought of you kissing Dohyun on the corner of his mouth as you did with Jeongguk last night. 

Gross. 

There’s no way you’re going on that date with Dohyun. Not when you’ve made it clear that you’re interested in Jeongguk. If that kiss didn’t mean anything last night, he’d be quite upset. 

“Uh…I don’t know if that’s…a good idea,” Jeongguk replies, voice honeyed. He’d be damned if he lets Dohyun ask you out first. 

The excited smile begins to fade, forming a firm line. He looks at Jeongguk in confusion, “Why?” He asks. 

Fuck, what can he say? There’s no excuse coming to mind. 

“Listen, dude,” Jeongguk walks up to Dohyun, putting his arm around the younger man’s shoulder. “Girls like Y/N, they’re not interested in guys like us.” 

Is he gonna go to hell for lying like this? 

“Guys like…us?” Dohyun questions, looking up at Jeongguk with a clueless pout. 

Jeongguk nods, pretending to look sullen, “Yeah, I mean look at us, we’re just a bunch of commoners,” Something you’ve made very apparent that you don’t care about. “Y/N’s family…they’re rich. She’s probably into guys who own sports cars and Rolex watches.” Lies. You’ve mentioned how you couldn’t stand materialistic guys. 

“So what you’re saying is…” Dohyun stares at the grass thoughtfully, “That I need to have nice and expensive things.” Jeongguk nods in response. 

Yeah, he’s definitely going to hell. 

“B-But I made reservations at that expensive French restaurant,” He tells Jeongguk, looking a little sad. 

Lame. Going to a fancy wine-and-dine restaurant for a date would not impress you, he thinks. You already seem to be sick of your high-class lifestyle. The last thing you would want is to be sitting in a place surrounded by other rich folks.

If it were up to Jeongguk, he would’ve taken you to his favorite street vendor for some tteokbokki and then to the arcade to play games. He thinks you’d enjoy that more. 

“It’s okay man. That wouldn’t have been enough,” Jeongguk shakes his head, putting a hand on the other’s shoulder in a comforting manner,  “She probably would’ve ordered the most expensive wine on the menu.” 

Dohyun’s bottom lip quivers and a look of despair etched onto his face. “I would’ve paid for it.” 

Jeongguk raises an eyebrow, “You could afford that?” 

Dohyun shrugs, “I made a deal with the manager to pay in installments.” Geez, he really had it all planned out. 

“I don’t think she’s worth it, dude,” Jeongguk’s voice is laced with fake sorrow. He hopes you never find out that he’s saying this shit because he does not mean a single damn thing he just told Dohyun. 

“I mean I guess you’re right,” Dohyun looks down at the flower bouquet with a dejected look on his face. “She’s just always been so nice to me so I thought there might’ve been something there.” 

You are a nice person. So nice that it shook Jeongguk to the core. There wasn’t a single bad body in your body it seems. You would never have any ill intentions towards anyone. He’s witnessed it firsthand. You’re damn considerate of others that you were afraid of facing the day Dohyun confessed to you because you didn’t have it in you to turn him down and witness his heartbreak.

If anything, Jeongguk is doing both you and Dohyun a favor. 

“I hear you, buddy,” Jeongguk clasps his hand against Dohyun’s back, making the younger man wince a little. “Guys like us never get the girl.” 

Except for Jeongguk. He thinks he might have a chance.

Too arrogant? 

“I guess I’ll just cancel the reservation,” Dohyun states in melancholy, and Jeongguk immediately nods.

Yes, cancel the reservation. Please. Cancel so Jeongguk can ask you out on a date instead. 

“Well I’m going to go put this stuff back,” Jeongguk tells him, putting the tools away in the bucket. He’s also hoping to catch you sitting outside again. He wonders what swimsuit you’re wearing today. 

“I’ll go with you,” Dohyun mumbles, walking alongside Jeongguk. 

God dammit, never mind, he prays you’re not sitting outside. 

The two men are heading towards the back along the concrete pathway, stopping in front of the shed. Jeongguk looks over at the sunbed where you’re usually sitting but fortunately, you’re not there. His shoulders relax at that and he lets out a sigh of relief. He can’t help but look over at Dohyun, only to see him already staring at the sunbed as well with a gloomy look on his face. 

“Come on, help me put these tools where they need to go,” Jeongguk suggests in an attempt to distract the younger man. He’s not going to lie, he does feel a little guilty for lying like this to him. 

Jeongguk is never the type to really feel guilty which is why his Jin Hyung calls him a dickhead sometimes. But right now, he can feel it just a tad bit. 

Dohyun glances over at the sunbed one last time before hesitantly following Jeongguk inside, placing the bouquet and box of chocolates onto the wooden table. He takes out the tools one by one, placing them onto the hooks. Jeongguk just watches the other, noticing how his frown isn’t going away, eyebrows furrowed. 

Once the tools are placed in their respective places, the two of them head back outside. Dohyun leaves first and Jeongguk follows behind only to bump into the other male’s back when he pauses in his footsteps. He clicks his tongue, looking up at Dohyun only to find him staring longingly at something a few feet away. 

Oh god, please don’t let it be. 

He turns his head and there you are, walking outside of the house in your swimming attire. There’s a book in your hand as per usual and it sounds like you’re humming to a certain tune, earbuds on. 

Jeongguk finds himself panicking, ready to steer Dohyun away from the back but it’s too late. 

“You know what, I’m still gonna tell her,” Dohyun says determinedly. “I’m still gonna ask her out on that date.” He’s got to be joking. “I’m gonna ask her out on that date and then tell her I’ve been in love with her since we were kids.”  Before Jeongguk could respond, Dohyun is already striding over to you, chocolate and flowers in hand. 

This is not going to end well. 

+

It’s a beautiful day out, you think. The sky is a bright blue, the sun is out and shining high, the garden is looking colorful and vibrant with the newly planted flowers and there’s a nice breeze blowing through the air. You have a smile on your face as you think about all the things that happened yesterday. 

The way Jeongguk kept making you laugh obnoxiously and smile like a fool. He’s unintentionally funny because he’s so honest and blunt. He wouldn’t even try hard to make you laugh, he would just say something casually and actually be serious about it when you think he’s joking. You hope that you can see him again outside of your house soon. 

You haven’t seen him yet and you’re hoping he hasn’t left yet. At least not without saying bye to you. Not that he has to but it be nice if he did. 

You’re listening to music when you walk outside of the house into the backyard, book in hand, ready to begin your reading for the day. You plan to read just for a little bit, drinking a glass of red wine while you wait for Jeongguk to come to the back. 

Luckily, your mother isn’t home, having gone to her company’s building after finding out about some setbacks with the clothing material for her latest fashion line. You have no idea what it was exactly but she was definitely stressed out about it. 

Plopping down onto the lounger, you open your book to the page you bookmarked before picking up your wine glass to take a sip. Before you can bring the glass up to your lips, you hear your name being called by a ringing voice. 

You flinch, almost spilling the wine on your thigh, and look up to see Dohyun striding towards you, a look of determination on his face. In his hands, he’s holding a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. 

Oh god. You were afraid of when this day would come. 

You set down the glass on the circular glass table beside you, closing the book as well. Mustering up your best (fake) smile, you greet him, “Hey,” You clear your throat, “Um you look nice.” 

The compliment immediately brings a bashful smile to his face as he looks down at the ground before looking at you once again. “Thank you,” He responds. 

“Mhm,” You clear your throat, awkwardly looking away. 

God, you were nervous. You already told Jeongguk you were never prepared for the moment when Dohyun was going to ask you out. You always hoped for him to eventually lose feelings and let you go. However, here he is, standing in front of you dressed in nice clothes while holding a flower bouquet. 

You felt like you were going to be sick.

“So I uh,” Dohyun lets out a deep breath. “I was wondering if you would,” No please no. “Sorry,” He shakes his head at himself. “I had a whole speech prepared but now I can’t seem to remember anything,” He tells you and a fake laugh escapes your lips. 

If he can just get nervous and maybe back out…

“Iwaswonderingifyoudliketogoonadatewithme,” He says it so fast that you almost miss it but you knew exactly what he just asked you. 

Your throat feels tight, eyes just staring at him in surprise. What do you say? How can you tell him no? Not when he’s staring at you with those hopeful eyes, hands clutching the bouquet and chocolates. 

How can you go on a date with someone else when you have a crush on Jeongguk? A major crush. Though you don’t know him very well, you know enough to like him. A lot. But maybe he doesn’t like you. He’s still a mystery to you. He’s made it clear that he finds you attractive but what if to him this is just some sort of little game to him? 

After all, he is only working here temporarily. He could just be trying to get into your pants and then disappear right after he gets what he wants. You don’t know. He genuinely seemed interested in having a conversation with you last night but at the same time, it could just be an act. 

“Um Y/N?” Dohyun’s call of your name causes you to snap out of your doubtful thoughts and look up at him. 

“Yes?” You say in surprise. 

“Wait, that's a yes?” An excited smile grows on his face. 

Oh fuck. That’s not what you meant. The smile on his face…how can you say no now? 

Letting out a regretful sigh, you gather a fake smile on your face. “Yes,” You can’t believe you’re doing this. “I’ll go on a date with you.” With those words leaving your lips, your eyes immediately snap to Jeongguk who you didn’t realize was standing a few feet away from you both. 

The look on his face causes your heart to drop into your stomach. 

Did he just witness you say yes to the date? 

Your eyes don’t look away from him, a guilty expression on your face as you stare at his now blank face. It went from surprise to blank in a matter of seconds, a way of showing you that he looks unbothered by what just happened. 

Maybe he is unbothered by it. 

If he isn’t, then he’s doing a great job at not showing it. 

You didn’t mean to say yes. In fact, you were ready to say no. But with the excited look on his face, you don’t have it in you to take it away. You just have to come clean later. You can’t get this far. 

Not when you know you can’t reciprocate your feelings for the man. 

“I’m so glad you said yes!” His smile is vibrant and it looks like he can’t contain his excitement, bouncing on his tiptoes. 

With a tight-lipped smile, you accept the bouquet of red roses he hands you along with the chocolates. Your eyes glance behind him again towards where Jeongguk is standing. He gives you a thumbs-up and a pursed-lip smile before heading towards the gate. 

You open your mouth to say something but Dohyun speaks before any words can escape you, your attention turning back towards him again. 

“So I can pick you up on Friday? How does 7 sound?” He asks you, voice sounding thrilled. 

The more you hear him speak, the worse you feel. There’s no backing out of this now. Jeongguk left without saying anything which causes you to question how he might’ve felt. Maybe he did like you back. Or maybe he just doesn’t care. 

Again, you don’t know. 

The overwhelming feeling of all kinds of emotions fills you and you just wish to disappear but instead, you just give Dohyun another fake smile and say, “Sounds good.” 

“Great!” He grins. “I’ll see you Friday!” He says before turning on his feet and leaving. You watch him walk towards the gate, no longer containing his excitement when you hear him whisper yes yes yes. 

“Jeongguk! Wait up!” You hear Dohyun shout, eagerness, and enthusiasm loud in his tone. 

You wince, looking towards the gate in hopes of catching a glimpse of Jeongguk but you fail to see him at all. He didn’t bother to come to the back and say. But you can probably understand why. You let out a sad sigh, holding up the bouquet of flowers in your hand and staring at them. 

Just one date. You just have to get through this one date. 

+ 

Friday evening 

The feeling of dread swirls in your stomach as you stare into the mirror with your hair and face ready for the date you’re about to go on. You’re not looking forward to it at all. Ever since you woke up this morning, you thought about coming up with some sort of excuse to back out of the date. Maybe lie and say you have the stomach flu or something. 

Then again, if you lie, you would just be postponing the date because you have a feeling he would reschedule it for another day. So you thought to yourself that it would be better to get it over with. 

Your plan is to go on the date, eat and then tell him that you don’t have any feelings for him. You know that if you lead him on further, it will end with a more painful heartbreak for him.

You’re also bummed because, for the remainder of the week, you did not see Jeongguk at all. Even when you sat down at the pool all day, constantly looking over at the door in hopes of catching sight of him, he didn’t come towards the back. 

Instead of Jeongguk coming to the shed to drop off the tools, it would either be some other gardener or sometimes even Dohyun who, of course, would wave at you excitedly and remind you about the time of your date on Friday. 

You think he might be disappointed in you and doesn’t want to see you. Or maybe he backed off because he probably thinks you’re giving Dohyun a chance when you’re not. 

You just fucked up by saying yes. 

After telling Dohyun that you don’t have feelings for him, you’re determined to tell Jeongguk you like him when you see him on Monday. And if he doesn’t like you back? 

Well then you’re just going to hide in your room in embarrassment until he finishes working his last few days at your estate

You’re wearing a black long-sleeved dress that has a square-shaped neckline and slightly ruffled sleeves. It reaches below your knees, a slit on the left side, revealing the skin up to your midthigh. You left your hair open in soft curls and your makeup is done minimally. 

You’re putting on your dangly earring when you hear your phone vibrate on the vanity. The screen lights up with a text from Dohyun telling you he’s out front waiting for you. You exhale deeply, attempting to calm yourself down, feeling slightly sick in the stomach. 

Just two hours. You just have to endure this date for two hours. 

Fixing the loose strand of hair in your face, you look into the mirror one last time before grabbing your clutch and walking out of the bedroom and down the spiral steps. You nod your head at one of the maids on your way out, giving her a polite smile. 

When you walk outside of your house, you see Dohyun waiting in front of the gate with another bouquet of flowers. He cleaned himself nicely, wearing a white button-up under a black blazer with matching pants. His hair is pushed back and he’s not wearing those glasses again. 

With an elated grin, he gives you a bow which you return before grabbing the flowers he holds out and muttering a small ‘thanks’ in response. 

He nods, seeming proud of himself before he holds out his hand which you hesitantly take. He walks you to his car, a red Toyota Corolla, opening the door for you politely. 

Your mind can’t help but wonder when you went out with Jeongguk that night at the bar and he told you that chivalry was dead so he wouldn’t open the door for you. You can’t help but smile at the memory, shaking your head. 

Once you’re sitting down in the car, bouquet in your lap along with your clutch, he gently closes the door before jogging towards the driver's side to sit down. His face is beaming when he starts the car again, the sound of a girl group song immediately playing on the Bluetooth loudly, causing you to wince at the volume. 

He looks panicked, cheeks and ears red as he quickly turns down the volume dial on the knob and mumbles a shy ‘sorry. You give him a reassuring smile before looking out of the window.

The car begins moving, an awkward silence immediately filling the air since neither of you say a single word. Dohyun is the first to break it, clearing his throat before speaking. 

“So how was your day?” He asks, attempting to make conversation. 

You shrug, watching outside as he drives out of your neighborhood towards the city. “It was okay. Didn’t really do much.” 

Other than hoping and praying for the date to be canceled one way or another. 

He nods, tapping his index fingers against the steering wheel as he says, “Cool cool. I didn’t do much either.” You nod, listening. “Well actually, I started this new Korean drama. It’s about this guy who…” 

He rambles about the drama, beginning from the first episode and providing you with details on how it all started, and for almost the majority of the car ride, he’s giving you a rundown on how each episode goes down one by one along with his personal opinions. You just nod and add in a few words to make yourself sound interested when really, all you wanted to do was open the car door and roll down the street. 

Unable to help yourself, your mind drifts to the time you were with Jeongguk and how you two talked about the most random things. He would tell you crazy stories about the things he’s done with his friends, always having something ridiculous to say which would make you laugh a crazy amount. 

Again, Jeongguk is blunt and careless about what he says and who he says it to. He never held back from telling you things that might sound absurd to others. 

For this one time when he and his six other friends had a competition on who can eat the most gamja hot dogs at a carnival before they all went on one of those spinning rides and ended up vomiting while the ride was still going. The whole ride had to immediately shut down and people who were waiting in line were not happy and covered in their puke. 

To make the night even worse, his friend Jin almost fought a little kid over the last alpaca plushie at one of the games and it resulted in them being kicked out of the carnival. 

The whole time he had told you that story, he had a smile on his face at the memories and you remember being enraptured by how beautiful he looked with his bunny teeth on display, the small mole beneath his rose-colored lips visible; the hand gestures he’d make to animate the story. 

You don’t realize you’re smiling again until Dohyun calls for your name, causing you to flinch in surprise. 

“Yeah?” You ask, smile dropping and you look at him questioningly. 

“I was um asking what you thought about it?” He wonders, glancing at you before looking back at the road. 

Fuck, what did he ask about? 

“I’m sorry,” You shake your head. “Can you repeat the question?” You look at him apologetically, mentally cursing at yourself for being distracted by Jeongguk again. 

Dohyun clears his throat, “I was asking what your thoughts were on the show so far.” 

Oh right, the show. The one you didn’t listen to a single thing about. God, you don’t know what to say. 

Think, Y/N, think. 

“It sounds…” You’re looking for the right word. “Like there’s a lot going on.” You slightly wince at that, hoping he doesn’t notice. 

Dohyun looks a bit confused, pursing his lips in thought before saying, “Really? I don’t know. I honestly think it’s quite boring. There’s no good drama going on with the characters.” He says and you nod. 

“Honestly you’re right,” You quickly add. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” You let out a fake chuckle. “It needs to be more dramatic.” 

You have no fucking clue what you’re saying. 

Seeming to be satisfied with the answer, he nods with a smile before moving on to a different topic. 

For the rest of the car ride, you try really hard to give him your full attention when he talks, chipping in on things when appropriate up until you guys reach the restaurant. You let out a slightly annoyed sigh under your breath when the restaurant comes into view. 

Pierre Gagnaire à Séoul. 

The French restaurant your mother absolutely loves meanwhile you hate. The food is not bad but it’s not to your taste. You’re also not a fan of the environment, surrounded by all the posh and stuck-up rich people. 

The restaurant has valet parking as well so when you guys pull up to the front, Dohyun quickly opens the door and runs to your side so he can open your own door for you, holding his hand out for you to take. 

You try not to think about how Jeongguk would probably tell you to open the door yourself because he wouldn’t do it for you. 

He hands his keys over to the valet before you both head inside, his hand holding yours. You try not to squirm when he tries to intertwine your fingers, letting out a breath to try and relax. 

He opens the door for you, allowing you to go in first and you give him a thank you before walking inside first, internally grateful that your hands are no longer clasped together.

The aromatic smell of the food immediately hits your nose. The sound of chatter fills your ears along with the utensils hitting against the plates. The sight you see with your eyes is one you are used to. Wealthy people dressed to the nines in their extravagant dresses and suits, sipping on expensive wine. 

“Good evening,” The hostess at the front greets with a practiced smile. “Reservation?” 

Dohyun nods excitedly, “Dohyun at 7:30.” He tells her and she nods, looking at the screen before grabbing two menus from beside her and nudging her head towards the tables. 

“Follow me please,” She says, Dohyun letting you go first before he follows behind you. You walk past other people, avoiding making eye contact with anyone you know. 

This restaurant is where all of the affluent people go, friends of your family that your parents are close to. You wouldn’t be surprised if you saw any of them here though you’d much rather not which is why you just stare at the hostess’ back as she guides you both towards your table. 

Dohyun pulls the chair back for you as soon as you reach the table before he sits himself down. The hostess places the menus down on the table before saying, “Your waiter should be here shortly.” And with that, she leaves. 

“I’ve never been here before so I’m excited,” Dohyun says, flipping through the menu with stars in his eyes.

You shrug, pretending to look through the menu though not really because you already know what you’re going to choose. “I’ve been a few times,” You inform him. 

“Oh,” He looks at you. “Do you like it?” He looks nervous when he waits for your response. 

You give him a pursed-lip smile and say, “Yeah,” You lie. ��I like it.” 

He grins, seeming satisfied with the answer before looking at the menu again. You look down at your own menu again in order to distract yourself, waiting for him to decide what he wants to eat. 

“Good evening, my name is Jeongguk and I’ll be your waiter this evening.” As soon as you hear that husky yet gentle voice, your head snaps up to the person and the menu drops onto the table out of surprise. 

And there he is, standing in front of you wearing black slacks that accentuate his strong thighs while he wears a white button-up that hugs his chest. The sleeves are pulled up a bit, his inked arms slightly peaking out. His dark hair is pushed back to reveal his eyebrow piercing and strong brows, a single loose strand slightly falling forward on his forehead. 

His large doe brown eyes meet yours, shock evident on his face as he stares right back at you.  

“Holy shoot Jeongguk!” Dohyun sounds just as surprised as you look before a large smile overtakes his face. 

+

Jeongguk had no fucking idea that this was the fancy wine and dine restaurant Dohyun was going to take you to for the date.

The whole week Dohyun wouldn’t shut up about it and he didn’t bother asking the younger man which restaurant it was. He wasn’t interested in knowing because quite frankly, he tried not to care. 

To say that he was disappointed when you said yes to Dohyun would be an understatement. He knew you were too nice and didn’t want to hurt the guy but he really thought you’d muster up the courage to turn him down. 

Instead, he watched you say yes and take the flowers and chocolates from Dohyun with that pretty smile on your face. 

Now Jeongguk usually isn’t the type to get jealous. But that’s usually because there’s no one he’s really been interested in. Sure, he’s had a few girlfriends here and there but the relationships don’t last long enough because the girl either ends up batshit crazy or he just couldn’t return the same feelings. 

But seeing Dohyun all excited and happy about taking you out on a date would just piss him off. He wanted to be the one to take you out. He thinks his plan would’ve been more solid and fun. Taking you out to the arcade before eating at his favorite fried chicken spot with beer.

Jeongguk can’t deny that he holds these strong feelings of infatuation towards you. You interest him because you’re different. Sure, it might sound like those typical cliche things but he’s speaking the truth. You’re intelligent, funny, and so fucking kind to others. Let’s not also forget how immensely beautiful you are. 

Yeah, he’s got a gigantic crush on you. 

Too bad he’s standing in front of you as your waiter and not as the date sitting across from you. He can’t seem to take his eyes off of you right now. Taking in your wide eyes and slightly ajar mouth, he tries not to act just as surprised by keeping a blank stare. 

“Oh wow, didn’t expect to see you guys here,” Jeongguk says, voice flat and void of any emotion. 

Before you can say anything, Dohyun says, “Jeongguk, I didn't know you worked here!” Jeongguk tries not to wince at Dohyun’s loud enthusiastic voice. 

“Yeah,” Jeongguk clears his throat, giving his full attention to Dohyun so he doesn’t stare at you. “Usually the evening shifts now since you know…I work at the other place.” He informs him. 

Dohyun nods, “Cool cool.” He looks across at you. “Isn’t it funny how Jeongguk is our waiter, Y/N?” 

Jeongguk looks at you who’s just looking at Dohyun before glancing at him, “Yeah, it’s pretty crazy.” Your voice is shy of speaking and he thinks it's because of him. He holds eye contact with you, taking in the small pout on your glossy lips. There’s a certain emotion in your eye, almost looking apologetic but Jeongguk tries to brush it off. 

“Anyways, what would you guys like to start off with? Something to drink maybe?” Jeongguk asks, pulling out a pen and his notepad. 

Don’t fucking look at Y/N, Jeongguk. 

Dohyun looks at you first with a questioning gaze, “Y/N?” 

You clear your throat as you shut the menu, “I’ll just have water.” Jeongguk nods before looking at Dohyun. 

“I’ll also have water,” The younger man smiles at Y/N. 

Why the fuck is this guy always smiling? Jeongguk wonders. 

And why the fuck are they both just ordering water? If Jeongguk were you, he’d be ordering the overpriced wines for the hell of it. Maybe just maybe…he can make this date a bit more entertaining for himself. 

Jeongguk stands straighter and then looks at Dohyun, “Are you sure you guys don’t want to try the red wine? It’s Pinot Noir. A classic.” 

Dohyun’s eyes widen for a second before they glance at you and then back to Jeongguk. Jeongguk looks at Dohyun and secretly winks, almost as a way of communicating to the younger man that this is going to impress you.

Jeongguk knows it won’t but he’s bored and sad. Sue him. 

Dohyun nods rapidly and says, “We’ll have some of that as well.” 

Before Jeongguk can say anything, you cut in by saying, “Are you sure about that? It’s quite expensive, Dohyun.” You’re looking at him in concern, pointing a manicured nail at the price of the wine on the menu. 

Dohyun just shakes his head and tries to wave it off, “Don’t worry, Y/N. I can afford it. Order whatever you want.” 

You purse your lips, not saying anything else. Your eyes shift to Jeongguk slightly squinting at him almost in suspicion but he just shrugs, turning around to walk away. 

Is Jeongguk going to look like an asshole for trying to sabotage this date? Probably. Does he care? Not really. He’s trying to save your ass before Dohyun confesses to you. He needs to make sure that doesn’t happen otherwise you’re going to end up lying and telling the man that you like him back when Jeongguk knows damn well you don’t.

Though Jeongguk only really hung out with you once, he knows enough to say that you will feel extremely guilty for hurting someone else’s feelings. You’ve proven that just by going on this date with Dohyun regardless of the fact that you don’t hold any feelings for the guy. You just didn’t want to turn him down because you knew he’d be heartbroken. 

Jeongguk is not going to let you accept Dohyun’s confession. Not when Jeongguk likes you and you like him. At least he thinks you like him because if that kiss on the corner of his mouth didn’t mean anything he doesn’t know what the fuck that meant. 

Surely you weren’t leading him on. Or maybe that’s how you say goodbye to your friends? 

Wait, but then again you don’t have friends. 

This shit is going to give Jeongguk a headache. By the end of this date, if it doesn’t turn into a complete disaster, Jeongguk is going to stop being a pussy and say something. He doesn’t exactly know what yet. But something. 

Pouring the wine into the fancy glasses, he puts them on a tray and brings them back out to the table. The first thing he sees when he heads towards your table is your smiling face looking directly at Dohyun. 

Hell no. 

“Here’s your water,” Jeongguk places down each glass one by one. “And your wine,” He carefully puts down yours, making direct eye contact with you as he does. He notices you gulp and he tries to hold back a smile. When he’s setting Dohyun’s glass on the table, his finger accidentally knocks over the glass, causing it to tip over onto the table and a little bit on Dohyun’s slacks. 

Okay, that one wasn’t planned, Jeongguk swears. 

Dohyun gasps out of surprise, standing up with his pants slightly soaked in the wine. Meanwhile, you’re just staring with your hand covering your mouth, eyes wide. Jeongguk quickly acts shocked as well. 

“I am so sorry,” He picks up the white cloth napkin and attempts to dab it on Dohyun’s pants at the front. “I’m really sorry. I don’t know how that fell over.” He pretends to wince, facial expression feigning guilt. 

Some of the people at the surrounding tables are watching, talking amongst themselves as they stare at what just happened. It’s like they’re expecting Dohyun to lash out at Jeongguk or something but instead, he says, “Hey it’s okay. It was an accident.” He grabs the cloth from the Jeongguk, patting the pants himself.

This guy is so damn nice, Jeongguk hates it. Why is he so damn nice? 

“You sure you don’t want to go clean up?” Jeongguk hears you ask, watching the whole scene in concern. 

“No no,” Dohyun shakes his head and waves off. “It’s alright. At least I’m wearing black pants so it’s not that noticeable.” He laughs and you just nod in response. 

“I’ll get you another glass,” Jeongguk speaks, turning around to get him another glass. Once he returns with a new one, he carefully places it on the table. 

“Alright, so did you guys decide what you want to eat?” Jeongguk clasps his hands together, looking between the two, gaze lingering on you. 

Look away, Jeongguk. Look. Away. 

“Hm, I’m having a hard time deciding actually,” Dohyun pouts, brows furrowed as he studies the menu. “Do you have any recommendations?” 

Boy, Jeongguk sure does. 

Clearing his throat, he slightly cranes his neck to look over at the menu and points at one item in particular, “I recommend this filet mignon. Everyone loves it.” And it’s fucking expensive as fuck. 

Jeongguk hears you add to the conversation, “It’s almost 150,000 won…” You’re staring at him in ridicule, mouth parted and eyes wide. 

If there’s anything Jeongguk has learned about you, it’s that you’re not dumb. In fact, you are very fucking intelligent and he’s pretty sure you can see right through his actions. But for some reason, that doesn’t stop Jeongguk. Maybe he wants to have a bit of fun with this. In his defense, he’s trying to help you. 

“Don’t worry about the price, Y/N. I can afford it,” Dohyun acts nonchalantly, looking up at Jeongguk and confidently saying, “I’ll have that.” He then looks at you. “Y/N?” 

You let out a defeated sigh, closing the menu, “I’ll just have the risotto carnaroli de coquillages.” The way you say it so eloquently in French almost makes Jeongguk's dick hard. God, it sounded so hot. 

How much more attractive and interesting can you get? 

And also, where the fuck did you learn to speak perfect French?

It seems as though Jeongguk isn’t the only one affected by your French speaking because when he looks at Dohyun, the younger man is just staring at you with parted lips and stars in his eyes as if you’re the greatest thing he’s ever seen. 

You’re so damn nice that you ended up choosing the cheapest entree on the menu. You were just way too damn considerate. There goes that rich girl persona he was trying to paint to Dohyun. 

Trying not to physically drool, Jeongguk looks away and nods, “Got it.” He walks always so fast, almost bumping into another waiter on his way. 

+

You have a feeling that Jeongguk is trying to fuck up the date you’re on with Dohyun. You can see right through him. Having the poor guy choose expensive menu items so he can impress you when Jeongguk knows damn well you’re not about it. 

At least this can kind of confirm that he was affected by the whole date thing. That answers some questions but not all. 

Also, can you just say that Jeongguk looks fine as fuck in his uniform? 

If you had known that he works here as a waiter, you would’ve definitely joined your mother for the sake of seeing him. The sight of him wearing that tight-fitted button-up with those slacks hugging his ass almost had you drooling. 

You tried so hard not to just dead-on stare at him the whole time while he was standing right in front of you. You just couldn’t help yourself at times, eyes trailing down from his perfectly structured face to his chest and down to his tattooed covered hands and forearms that were peaking out from beneath his shirt sleeve. 

Your mind was steering away to some…unholy thoughts. Especially because of those damn thighs. 

Why did he have to be so damn hot? 

Okay, you’re getting a little too carried away right now. You need to focus. Focus on Dohyun. The man you came on a date with. You have to try and at least make some sort of conversation with him. He’s always asking you for your opinion and thoughts on what he’s saying but you end up stuttering your way through the conversation since you have no idea what he’s asking you about when you’re not listening. 

Jeongguk being here as your damn waiter does not help the situation at all. Although you think he’s trying to help you in a somewhat cruel way you need to get him to stop. You’re beginning to feel guilty as fuck when you see the man do something that is the total opposite of impressing you. 

“Um Y/N?” You’re snapped out of your thoughts when you hear Dohyun calling your name. 

“Yes? Sorry,” You apologize, feeling bad for being distracted again. 

Dohyun shakes his head, a small smile on his face, “No worries. I just wanted to talk to you about something.” 

Your heart races at that and you gulp, beginning to feel a little worried at what exactly he wants to say. No no, you didn’t think it be this soon. You need to tell him before he tells you. You can’t let him tell you first. 

Before you can say anything more, he continues, “I don’t know if you remember that before you left for college I was going to–” 

“More wine anyone?” Jeongguk cuts in, holding up the bottle and acting oblivious to what he just interrupted. Your shoulders relax in relief and you nod rapidly. 

You really need a fucking drink to get through this. 

“Yes please,” You hold up your glass and he pours it in for you. 

“There you go,” His fingers brush against yours which ensures the glass is in your hand’s grip when you pull it back and you try not to shiver at the tinging feeling and his eyes directly looking into yours.

“Dohyun?” Jeongguk looks at him with a questioning gaze, holding out the bottle but the other just shakes his head in response. 

“I’m good thanks,” He looks eager for Jeongguk to leave right now, knee bouncing in anxiousness. 

“Okay well your food should be here shortly,” Jeongguk says before turning to leave. He looks a bit hesitant to leave, glancing over his shoulder to look at you and you just send him a fake small smile, looking down into your lap. 

What the fuck do you do? 

“As I was saying Y/N, before you left for college I was going to tell you something,” Dohyun’s voice sounds a little shaky when he speaks. “But you had to leave and I never got the chance but for so long I–” 

“Bathroom!” You blurt out, eyes going wide. 

Dohyun looks confused, “Huh?” 

You let out a nervous laugh, “Um I just really need to use the bathroom,” You stand up, grabbing your purse. “Can you give me a few minutes? I really gotta pee.” No, you don’t. You need to go freak the fuck out and possibly climb out of the window. 

“Oh okay,” He nods understandably before flashing you a sweet smile. “I’ll wait.” 

You give him a fake smile in response, pushing into your chair before walking towards the bathroom. You maneuver your way around a few waiters, avoiding eye contact and rushing inside. Luckily no one else is in the bathroom so you just stand in front of the sink, taking a few deep breaths as you stare into the mirror. 

You don’t know how to turn him down. He’s getting so close to telling you about his feelings. You didn’t have the heart to turn him down for the date. What if you can’t reject his feelings for you either? 

If that ends up happening, you’d be absolutely fucked. 

You don’t even fucking see a window in here otherwise you’d escape right there. 

“You okay?” You hear a familiar voice ask, causing you to flinch in surprise, hand resting on your chest. 

“Holy shit,” You exhale. “You scared me.” You look at Jeongguk, wondering how the hell you didn’t hear him enter the bathroom. 

The women’s bathroom might you add. 

“Yeah yeah,” You try to wave off. “I’m fine. What are you doing in here?” You quickly ask, looking away and pretending to look into the mirror and fix your hair. 

“I saw you come in and you didn’t look too good,” He shrugs, hands in his pocket as he leans against the wall. “Just thought I’d check up on you.” 

Your heart swells a little at his concern. You’re in awe at the fact that he cared enough to come to see how you’re doing because he thought something was wrong. God, he’s making you like him more and more. 

“I’m,” You clear your throat, “I’m good.” You’re not. “I think.” You add before letting out a shaky breath. “It’s not every day that someone is about to confess about being in love with you for years.” You let out a humorless chuckle. 

“Well you’re right about that,” Jeongguk says and you look at him with a raised eyebrow. He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “Sorry, not helping.” 

“Not at all,” You respond, turning around so you can lean your back against the counter of the sink. “Aren’t you going to be in trouble for being here?” 

Jeongguk shrugs, “Not my first time being in the women’s bathroom during a shift,” He smirks and your chest slightly tinges in jealousy at what he’s implying but then he adds, “I once had to help an old lady clean a stain off of her dress.” You relax at that, causing Jeongguk to smirk. 

“What did you think I meant?” He teases and you roll your eyes in response. 

“Was it a wine stain cus’ you sure seem to be quite clumsy for a waiter,” You ask with heavy sarcasm, watching how he pushes himself off the wall. 

“Hey! That was actually an accident,” Jeongguk tries to defend. 

“I’m sure it was,” You remark, arms crossed over your chest. You try not to notice how he’s slowly walking toward you. 

“It was,” He answers before saying, “Look I’m trying to help you out over here.” 

You pout, avoiding eye contact with him by staring down at the pristine tiled floor. “I don’t need help.” 

You’re lying. You really fucking need help. 

Jeongguk lets out a sigh, “Y/N, why’d you say yes to the date if you knew you didn’t like him?” He asks, pierced brow raised in question. 

Unable to meet his eyes, you fiddle with the rings on your fingers and say, “I just felt really bad because he just seemed so excited,” You look up at him, “I just didn’t know how to say no.” 

Jeongguk nods and you notice how he’s standing directly in front of you now. You swallow at the sight of how good he looks in his button-up that shows off his small waist and strong chest. The sleeves are snug around his biceps and the black dress pants accentuate his strong thighs. 

“Yeah but now look,” His hand gestures towards the door to refer to Dohyun. “You said yes to the guy, making him think he has a chance or that you might like him or something.” The guilt weighs down on your chest and you stare down at the floor in shame. 

 Jeongguk is right. You made the mistake of saying yes and it probably made Dohyun hopeful that the feelings he has for you are mutual in return. But that’s not true when the man standing a few inches in front of you is the only one you want. 

Seeing the uniform hug his body in a way that shows off his toned muscles almost has you drooling and you try not to shiver at how his dark eyes give you a once-over. You know you look good with the way your black dress is hugging your body, the slit reaching your midthigh, showing off your smooth skin. His eyes seem to linger on that area in particular and you try not to smile. 

“I just couldn’t say no,” You whine, pouting at the floor with your arms crossing over your chest. 

Jeongguk dips his head a bit, bringing it closer to yours with just a few inches of space in between, and asks, “And why couldn’t you say no?” 

Your eyes can’t help but wander to his rose petal-colored lips that look so soft at the moment. You’re curious to know how the piercing would feel if you were to just kiss him on the mouth. There’s also that cute little mole he has beneath his bottom lip. Swallowing, you look up to find his doe-brown eyes staring at your own lips as well. 

Clearing your throat, you answer, “Because he brought me flowers a-and…” You shyly look away from his intense gaze, cheeks flushing as you look behind him. “And he got those expensive chocolates. I just didn’t know how to say no.” 

“What about me?” Jeongguk inquires, causing you to snap your head to look at him in surprise. 

“What about you?” You raise an eyebrow in question. 

Your heart starts to race when you notice his right hand come up to your face, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. His fingers lightly brush against your exposed neck, causing you to slightly shiver at his touch. 

If he can just wrap those hands around your throat you don’t think you’d mind at all. 

“What if I brought you flowers and overpriced chocolates and asked you out to dinner?” He asks, eyes watching how you grab his right hand, fingers tracing over the tattoos on his knuckles. 

“I would’ve said yes even if you didn’t bring me flowers or overpriced chocolates,” You tell him truthfully, enjoying the satisfied look on his face. 

“Well,” He looks down at your joined hands before intertwining his fingers with yours. “Good to know I don’t have any competition.” You snort at that, suddenly feeling brave and pull him closer to you. 

You know you shouldn’t be doing this right now. Not when you’re literally on a date with someone who’s been crushing on you since you were kids but you’re in the bathroom with your waiter slash gardener slash friend? Acquaintance? Whatever he is, what you know for sure is that you want to kiss him right in the mouth because he looks too good not to. 

So you do. 

Forgetting about everything else going on, you make the move you’ve been desperately wanting to make since you saw the man standing in front of you. 

You grab the collar of his shirt and tug him down so you can press your lips against his in a lustful kiss. A small noise of surprise leaves his lips but he quickly reacts by putting his hands on your waist and returning the affection.

The feeling of his lips against yours was nothing like you’d ever felt before. They felt almost silk-like and pillowy as they moved against yours in the heated kiss. Sparks ignite, in your chest, buzzing throughout your entire body as his large hands slid up and down your back before moving down toward your hip. He squeezes it softly, causing you to inhale sharply.

His lips move against yours in a soft but sensual manner that has your knees slightly quivering and your heart pounding. You feel breathless when you pull apart for a few seconds with his forehead resting against yours. His right-hand cups your face, thumb playing with your bottom lip.

Jeongguk smirks, “You look good with your lipstick smeared.” You roll your eyes playfully but you can feel the heat in your cheeks at his comment. 

“Shut up,” You pull him until your lower back hits the counter behind you, his hands caging your body against it which causes a rush of excitement to run up your spine. You can’t help but give him a once over, noticing how pink his lips look now, hair slightly unruly from your hands. Jeongguk watches as you bring your hands to his chest, fiddling with the collar before letting them trail down his chest to feel his pecs. 

The muscles feel hard and firm beneath your hand as you trail them down toward his abdomen. When your hands dip a little too low, he quickly snatches your hand and holds it up against his chest, tugging you close by the waist with the other arm. 

“Nuh-uh,” Jeongguk clicks his tongue, “As much as I’m into the idea of fucking you in a public area, you are not about to start this in the fucking bathroom at my job.” Your cheeks flush immediately and you try to shove him away but he hardly moves. 

God, you just wanted to devour him right here. You couldn’t handle the sight in front of you right now. You know this is just his work uniform but you never would’ve thought that he can look this good. You just wanted to get on your knees and… 

“Y/N.” You immediately snap out of your horny thoughts, eyes wide and face warm. Jeongguk has a stupid smirk on his face as if he knows what you’re thinking about right now. 

Despite wanting to tackle him to the ground and have him take you right here, you remember you have a whole date waiting for you outside at the table most likely wondering where you are. 

“What?” You clear your throat, pushing those lustful thoughts aside. 

Jeongguk holds a teasing smile on his face, “Are you dreaming about my dick?” 

“What-no!” You deny, pushing him off and turning towards the mirror to fix your hair. You notice how your lipstick is smeared, courtesy of Jeongguk. You take a tissue and clean it before opening your clutch to pull out the liquid lipstick so you can reapply it. 

You can feel Jeongguk’s eyes on you the whole time as you’re bent over the counter, looking closely in the mirror. You try not to make eye contact, gliding the applicator across your bottom lip. 

Your breath hitches in your throat when you feel his hand slide on your hip but you pretend to like it doesn’t affect you even though your heart rate starts to increase and a feeling of thrill runs up your spine. 

“You were totally dreaming about my dick,” You glare at him through the mirror, elbowing him in the abdomen which causes him to slightly groan. 

“Why would I be thinking about your dick when I’m on a date with someone else right now?” You ask. 

Jeongguk snickers, “You weren’t saying that when you had your tongue down my throat a few minutes ago.” 

Your jaw drops and you turn around, pushing at his shoulder, “I did not have my tongue down your throat.” 

He has that smug smile on his annoyingly handsome face that had you contemplating whether you wanted to smack him or kiss him again. 

“It’s okay, you’re too shy to admit it right now. You’ll get comfortable eventually,” He shrugs, avoiding the little punch you were about to deliver to his chest. He grabs your hand instead and pulls you towards him once again with his tattooed arm around your waist while the other cups your cheek. 

“You’re annoying,” You mumble, playing with the top button on his shirt. You notice ink peeking out from where the shirt is unbuttoned which you somehow haven’t noticed before. 

Can this man get any more attractive? 

“I’d say charming,” Jeongguk responds before asking, “We’ve been here for quite some time now.” 

“You’re the one who followed me,” You retorted. 

“I had to make sure you were okay,” Jeongguk defends, thumb stroking your cheek. “What are you going to do now?” 

You let out a dreaded sigh, letting your hands rest against his chest as you say, “I’m going to have to tell him I’m not interested.” You shake your head. “I shouldn’t have said yes in the first place. It was a mistake from that day but he just had this hopeful smile on his face. I didn’t have it in me to deny him.” 

Jeongguk looks at you with a nonjudgmental gaze, nodding his head. “You can’t let this drag out any longer.” 

“I know,” You agree, thinking about how crushed Dohyun is going to look once you tell him the truth. 

“He’s going to be heartbroken,” Jeongguk adds. 

You pout, “I know.”

“But I’m going to be one happy man.” 

“I know–wait what?” You almost missed what he said and he just chuckles in response. “Why would you be happy?” 

“Cuz then I can ask you out on a date,” Jeongguk says with full confidence, wrapping both arms around your waist and swaying you side to side. 

“And you’re so sure I’d say yes?” You ask, eyebrows raised in question. 

He narrows his eyes at you playfully and says, “With the way you were about to get on your knees I’d like to think–” 

You slap his chest, “God, you’re so annoying! See if I ever give you head now.” 

“I’m kidding,” Jeongguk pouts. “You can’t take away that privilege already. You haven’t even done it yet.” 

Rolling your eyes at his response, your hand plays with the piercing in his right eyebrow. His hands rest on your lower back casually as if you guys have done this a million times. Jeongguk is definitely a touchy person but not in a way that’s made you uncomfortable of course. You’ve enjoyed the feeling of his hands on your body and you wonder what it would feel like on your bare skin. 

You’d definitely like to find that out. 

To say that you’re surprised he’s even talking to you would be an understatement. Especially after the day he saw you accepting Dohyun’s little gifts and proposal to dinner. He had left so abruptly much to your disappointment. And even after that, you didn’t even catch wind of him when working around the garden. 

You really thought you lost your opportunity with him but his actions and words say otherwise. 

“You didn’t answer my question,” Jeongguk’s statement breaks you out of your thoughts. 

“What question?” 

He raises an eyebrow, “If you’d like to go on a date with me.” He runs his thumb over your bottom lip, staring at them as if he wants to just devour them again but he’s restraining himself. 

You didn’t even realize he asked you that question. 

With a snort, you say, “Are you seriously going to ask me this in the bathroom while my actual date is waiting for me outside?”

Jeongguk rolls his eyes at you, “I’m sorry would you like me to shower you with flowers and expensive as fuck chocolates? I can also ask Bill, who is playing the violin in the dining room right now, to play you a song while I ask you out.” 

This time you roll your eyes at his response, “No need for flowers and expensive as fuck chocolates,” you emphasize his words. “And his name is Bill? He doesn’t even look like a Bill.” 

“That’s what I’ve been telling my coworkers. He looks more like a Marvin to me.” Jeongguk says and you nod your head in agreement after a quick thought. 

“Tell you what, give me your number first and then I’ll give you a response,” You don’t know where this confidence suddenly came from 

“You know you could’ve just asked me for my number if you wanted it so bad,” He laughs and you ignore him, handing him your phone. 

“Hush, I need to leave now so hurry up,” You watch as he types in his number, an amused smile pulling at his lips which causes you to narrow your eyes at him.

He hands you back your phone, an innocent smile on his face while you’re looking at him suspiciously. When you glance down at your phone, you understand why he has that look on his face. 

The contact name for his number is My super hot gardener &lt;3 <3

Can he get any more annoying? 

“Are you kidding me?” You ask him but don’t change the name anyways. 

“Not at all, love.” He pulls you forward once more, cupping your face with both hands this time, causing you to look up at him. “Listen, don’t worry about how Dohyun is going to feel, and don’t beat yourself up about it either.” You nod sadly. “You can’t keep leading him on like this. Neither of you deserve that. So just be honest about your feelings towards him.” Jeongguk tilts your head up to look at him. “You have to put yourself first okay?” 

You nod understandingly, hands going behind his neck to pull him down for another sweet kiss because you just couldn’t fucking help yourself. The feeling of his lips on yours was just so damn addicting. The way he was gazing at you with those soft doe eyes and the comforting words he provided had your stomach fluttering with butterflies. 

Your lips move in sync, arms tightening around one another as if you didn’t want to let each other go. His tongue prods at your lips, asking for entrance which you grant. His tongue slides into your mouth, hands digging into your hips as he fights for dominance with your own tongue. The kiss becomes more and more heated, your hands tangling in his wavy hair once again while you’re pretty sure your lipstick is smeared over both your lips as well as his own. 

The sound of your phone vibrating has you pulling back from his lips with a loud POP. Your chest is heaving, slightly out of breath from the intense kiss. Jeongguk runs his thumb across his lip to clean the faint lipstick while you’re opening your purse to see a message from Dohyun. 

Dohyun: Hey Y/N, are you okay?” 

Great, he must think you’re fighting for your life in the bathroom or something. It’s probably been well over 20 minutes so you can’t blame him. 

“I really have to go now.” You tell Jeongguk and he nods understandingly. 

“It’s fine,” He grabs a tissue and brings it up to clean beneath your lower lip. “Your lipstick smeared again.” You smile at the gesture in a thankful manner, letting him clean it for you.

He’s going to kill you. 

“Remember what I said okay?” He tells you and you nod in response, your throat feeling tight already at the conversation you’ve been dreading the whole night. “And I’ll be nearby in case you need help.” You nod once again, feeling reassured by his words. 

“Okay, thanks.” You give him a sweet smile, leaning up on your tiptoes to kiss his cheek which catches him off guard.  

“Yeah…” He clears his throat, “No problem.” 

With a small smile, you turn around and walk out the bathroom door not without looking over your shoulder at Jeongguk one last time. 

Here goes nothing. 

+

“Hey, sorry I took so long,” You apologize to Dohyun, straightening out your dress before sitting back down on the chair. 

Dohyun just gives you a sweet, understanding smile in return and says, “It’s okay. Jeongguk hasn’t even come by with the food yet.” 

You cough, taking a sip of your water to hide the flush of your cheeks. If only he knew Jeongguk was too busy with his tongue down your throat in the bathroom. The thought of what just went down in the bathroom had your stomach swirling in excitement. You hope the small smile on your face was not too obvious.  

“Is everything okay?” Dohyun’s voice is filled with concern. 

You’re snapped out of your thoughts at the sound of his question, looking up at him with wide eyes. You need to focus on the fact that you’re on a date with Dohyun right now and that you only have to endure this for a little bit longer before the food comes. 

Then you actually have to let Dohyun down politely. Honestly, you don’t even know why you don’t just get it over with right now. 

Jeongguk’s words echo in your head, telling you that it’s okay to think about yourself and turn Dohyun down. There’s no reason for you to be stretching this time out even longer. It’ll save him the heartbreak. It’s not like he was wrong. The further you lead Dohyun on, the more hurt he’ll be in the end when he finds out you do not reciprocate mutual feelings.

You also can’t forget the soft look in Jeongguk’s eyes. It was a look that you’d never seen on his face before and one that you didn’t think he was capable of showing considering his intimidating aura. But if there’s one thing you learned, it’s that Jeongguk is far from intimidating underneath all those piercings, ink, and black clothes. 

God, you just wanted this date to be over so you can tell Jeongguk to fuck off his shift for the night and go somewhere so the two of you can spend some time together. 

“Uh yeah, I’m okay,” You take a sip of your wine this time. “I’m fine. It’s just a little hot in here.” You’re praying he buys that excuse for your flushed face. You exaggerate it by fanning yourself with the menu listed with the different alcoholic beverages. 

“Oh no,” Dohyun looks worried. “Do you want to go somewhere else?” He asks seriously. 

“No no,” You wave off. “I’ll be okay. Thank you though.” You reassure him with a small smile. You are not about to drag this night out any longer. 

Dohyun nods though he looks a bit unconvinced. You fiddle with your fingers, unsure of what else to say. The silence between the two of you is awkward. You’re staring down into your lap while Dohyun opens and closes his mouth as if he wants to say something but holds himself back. 

“So Y/N,” You look up at Dohyun. “You probably already have an idea why I asked you out to dinner.” You try not to make it obvious when your eyes become a little wider, your heart dropping in your chest. “I mean..” He chuckles a bit, scratching the back of his neck. “We’ve known each other for so long. I remember watching you as a kid, thinking you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.” You try to smile but you think it looks more like a grimace. 

“I remember when one of the kids your mom would set you up with for playdates was being so mean to me  but you just…came to the rescue and told them to leave me alone.” The memory was quite vivid to you only because ever since that day, you noticed how Dohyun would start bringing you small gifts like a flower from the garden or pieces of candy. “That’s when I knew I started to develop feelings for you.” 

And there it is. The expression on his face is filled with admiration and love as he stares at you intently, pouring his heart out to you and confessing his feelings. Something you’ve always feared because you knew that by the end of this, he was going to leave with a broken heart. You let yourself get way too far and led him to this point. Now it’s your job to end it. 

“I just really want to tell you that I’ve always loved–” 

Dohyun gets interrupted when Jeongguk arrives with a tray carrying your entrees. “Alright you guys, the food is here.” Dohyun’s face drops, falling silent at the interruption while you’re filled with relief, exhaling out a breath. You look up at Jeongguk only to catch him already looking at you, giving you a small wink that Dohyun isn’t able to see. 

“Filet mignon for you,” Jeongguk sets down the plate in front of Dohyun who thanks him in response with a polite smile. “And risotto for the pretty lady,” Jeongguk emphasizes pretty and you bite your lip to hide the smile that threatens to form on your face. 

“Thank you, Jeongguk,” Your foot brushes against his ankle purposely when you uncross your legs and he just looks at you with a certain glint in his eyes, a pierced eyebrow raised at the gesture. 

“No problem,” He clears his throat, breaking eye contact so it doesn’t look so obvious to Dohyun. “Is there anything else you guys need?” 

Dohyun looks at you in question and you shake your head as a no in response. He then looks back up at Jeongguk and gives him a grateful smile, “No, we’re good. Thanks, man.” 

“Yeah, no problem. I’ll be back to check on you guys,” He informed you and it sounded like he was mostly talking to you from the way he looks at you, eyes lingering before leaves. He needs to stop making it so damn obvious. 

“So…” Dohyun is about to start talking but you interrupt him. 

“Let’s eat, I’m starving,” You immediately pick up the fork and dig into the feed even though you had no appetite to consume food. If anything, you felt nauseous. You’re dreading the conversation that you’re about to have. 

“Wow,” Dohyun’s eyes are wide as he chews his food. “This steak is amazing.” He gushes, cutting into the meat with his knife and fork before holding it in your direction. “You need to try this.” 

You shake your head, “Oh no, I’m okay. Thank you though.” You politely decline and give him a grateful smile. 

“No seriously,” He responds. “You have to try this.” He seems persistent, wiggling his fork towards you with a bite of the tender-looking steak. You gulp, noticing how he’s leaning forward in anticipation with an eager look in his eyes. You’re about to lean forward, lips parted to take a bite but Jeongguk being the savior he is–God, you can just kiss him–comes back. 

“You guys look like you’re running low on wine so I brought some more,” Jeongguk chirps, moving Dohyun’s arm back so he can pour into the glass. You bite down on your lower lip to keep yourself from smiling widely, meeting Jeongguk’s eyes with a thankful expression. You opt to stare at his beautiful inked hands pouring into the wine glass as you try not to make it obvious when your hand secretly strokes his thigh. You hold back a laugh when you notice him slightly flinch out of surprise, jaw clenching, and eyes narrowed when he glances at you.

You feign a look of innocence and say, “Thank you for the wine.” You’re grateful that the table is high enough that Dohyun can’t see how Jeongguk takes his left hand while the right is still holding the bottle and squeezes your hand. 

Jeongguk clears his throat, 

“Thanks, Jeongguk,” Dohyun gives him an appreciative smile, “I was just trying to get Y/N to try the filet mignon.” 

“Oh yes,” Jeongguk says, attempting to sound professional and you bite back a laugh, “Many customers rave over the filet mignon. The cows were fed organic grass which is one of the reasons why it’s so delectable.” 

Organic grass? What the fuck is he even saying? 

You know damn well he’s trying to be funny but the way he said it with a straight face would make one think he’s serious. For example, Dohyun looked utterly fascinated by the thought. 

“Wow, are they really?” 

Jeongguk snorts but quickly covers it with a cough, “Yeah man. Don’t you know? Those cows are living their best life. Better than you and I,” Jeongguk takes the fork out of Dohyun’s hand and the other boy just stares at him, eyes wide in curiosity. He grabs the piece of steak that was originally meant for you and slides the bite into his mouth before giving Dohyun the fork back. Jeongguk scrunches up his face in delight, almost looking angry as he chews before he lets out a sigh and looks back at Dohyun. “Dare I say the cows are living a better life than Y/N too.” 

You cover your face, unable to hold back your giggles while Dohyun just looks confused now. Jeongguk has a small smile on his face as he glances at you, feeling accomplished for making you laugh so cutely. 

“I have to ask my uncle about this if it’s true,” Dohyun shakes his head, expression full of surprise as he looks deep in thought. “He owns a farm so maybe he can start doing that too.” 

Jeongguk looks like he’s trying not to burst out laughing this time but instead nods, “Yeah let me know what he says, man.” 

“Jeongguk, Suho is calling you to the back,” A waiter whispers into his ear, “Like now.” 

“Now?” Jeongguk asks and the other waiter nods. He looks back at you and sees you swallow nervously. This means Jeongguk can no longer save you from delaying this any further. It’s either now or never. 

You look back at Jeongguk and give him a reassuring nod in a subtle manner to tell him it’s okay if he leaves. He glances over at Dohyun, noticing how the other boy is tapping his foot impatiently beneath the table as if waiting for Jeongguk to leave so he can pick up where he left off. 

“Alright,” Jeongguk clears his throat, “Looks like I’m needed in the back. Are you guys good?” He asks, mostly directing the question at you based on the direct eye contact he makes, eyebrow raised. 

You give him an appreciative smile, “I’m good. Thank you, Jeongguk.” 

“Me too. Thanks, Jeongguk!” Dohyun says a slight eagerness following his tone. 

“Okay cool, be right back.” He tells you, sending you a small comforting smile. You let out a deep breath, looking over at Dohyun who’s already staring at you with a nervous expression on his face. 

“Y/N, there’s something I need to tell you. I’ve been meaning to tell you for so long but…” Dohyun twiddles with his fingers resting on top of the table. “I would just get so nervous and chicken out,” He chuckles at himself with a shake of his head. “I’ve always admired you and your kindness. Your kindness is what drew me to you more than anything. Comforting people when they’re upset and going out of your way to make them feel better.” Your lips turn up into a small smile at his words but your chest aches out of guilt with what you’re about to do. “Basically, what I’m trying to tell you is that…I uh really really like you. I’ve liked you since we were kids. Maybe even love.” Dohyun lets out a quivering laugh, avoiding eye contact. “I was wondering if you’d give me a chance.” 

Your throat feels like it’s closing up as you hear his words, processing them clearly. The feeling of your heart pounding against your chest and beating in your ears, your face feeling warm and flushed. You look down at your hands in your lap, playing with the ring on your index finger as you let out a shaky breath through your lips. 

“Dohyun…you’ve always been a sweet guy,” You begin, “So selfless and always thinking of others.” You add and he nods, a smile playing on his lips from your compliment. “But I…I’m sorry,” You feel your eyes stinging as you notice the smile vanish from his face, lips pursing in despair. “I don’t see you that way.” You finally say. 

His face crumples a bit, shoulders and head dropping as soon as the words leave your lips. He looks down into his lap and you swear you can hear him sniffling a bit. The silence between you two is almost deafening, the sound of other customers and cutlery being the only thing you hear. 

“I’m really sorry,” You say again, eyes welling up a bit because of how bad you feel. “I probably shouldn’t have even said yes to you because it seems like I’ve led you on but I just didn’t know how to tell you no.” 

Dohyun just nods in response, not moving a single inch from his position and his lack of words is killing you. You notice Jeongguk peeking at you from behind the door, locking eyes with you. He immediately notices the sorrowful look on your face, stepping forward to approach you but you quickly shake your head. 

Not yet, you try to tell him. You think this conversation needs to end with closure. You don’t want to leave without making sure he’s okay. You know he’s not okay and he probably won’t be for some time. He’s had feelings for you for so long, he must feel so crushed by your rejection. 

When Dohyun finally lifts his head up to look at you, you feel your chest ache at his red-rimmed eyes and quivering lips. “Y-You won’t even give me a chance? Like… not even if I take you on more dates a-and maybe let you get to know me better?” He wipes his nose with the back of his hand, sniffling. 

You shake your head, a sad smile on your lips. “I’m sorry…I just,” You look over at Jeongguk who’s talking to another customer while constantly glancing at you in concern. “I like someone else.” You tell him, feeling like absolute shit. You just didn’t know what else you could’ve told him for him to completely let you go. You had to tell him the truth. 

His face shows pure anguish, looking completely defeated. “So I-I don’t stand a chance against him?” He asks, voice hoarse. 

“I’m sorry,” is the only thing you think you can say in response to that. 

He just nods, head hanging low and lets out a quiet. “Okay.” 

“Everything good?” Jeongguk decides to cut in, saving you from this painful moment. 

Dohyun just looks up and Jeongguk in response and nods solemnly, “Yeah can we get the check please?” 

“Uh yeah sure,” Jeongguk responds. “Boxes?” 

“No thanks,” Dohyun immediately says, his voice cracking. “Y/N,” He looks at you properly for the first time. “Do you think I can get a r-ride home? I-I just don’t think I can…” He looks like he’s about to have a breakdown so you immediately cut in. 

“It’s okay. Don’t even worry about it.” Your voice is soft, feeling like you need to speak to him in a delicate manner because he may break any second. “I’ll call my driver.” 

“Okay,” Dohyun nods. “I’m gonna go. I’ll see you on Monday.” He says quickly before getting up swiftly. There’s a fresh set of tears in his eyes and he nods at Jeongguk. Head hanging low with his feet dragging across the floor, he walks towards the door without looking back. 

You stare at the door, never feeling this much guilt and regret in your life. Guilt for turning him down but also regret even accepting this date. You think saying yes to the date probably gave him high hopes that you had feelings for him in return. You should’ve come clean at the pool when he asked you out in the first place.  

“Oh god,” You cover your face with both hands. “I feel so awful. I feel so fucking awful. I can’t believe he cried.” Your throat feels tight and painful, unable to get the image of your head. 

“Hey hey,” Jeongguk looks around before kneeling beside you, hand on your arm, “It’s okay. You had to do it okay?” You nod but don’t move your hands away from your face. 

“I know I just can’t forget the look on his face,” You whisper into your hands. “I just feel so bad.” 

“I know Y/N. That wasn’t an easy thing to do,” Jeongguk acknowledges, rubbing his hand up and down your back in a comforting manner. 

Not only do you feel like a total asshole right now, you’re a little embarrassed at the fact that Jeongguk is seeing you on the verge of bursting into tears but you cannot help yourself. 

“Hey listen,” His voice is gentle and you feel him move closer to you, his chest pressing against your knee. “A lot of these people are looking at us and I don’t know if they know who you are but I don’t want it spreading around that you were crying in this boujee ass restaurant in the headlines tomorrow.” You chuckle a little taking the napkin he’s holding out for you, patting it beneath your eyes. 

“Thank you,” You say quietly, unable to look him in the eyes. 

“Of course,” He clears his throat. “I’m about to finish my shift soon. Um if you want, I can give you a ride home?” He offers before quickly adding. “Only if you want to. I won’t be offended if you just want your driver to pick you up.”

You finally look at him for the first time, taking slightly widened doe eyes, face looking soft. He’s tugging at the piercing on his lower lip, a nervous habit you’ve noticed from the time you’ve spent with him. 

“I would really appreciate that,” You inform him with a grateful smile. 

His shoulders visibly relax at your answer, a sigh escaping his lips. 

“Thank God you said that,” He pretends to wipe the sweat off his forehead, “I don’t think I was ready to handle the rejection.” He tells you and you feel like there’s some underlying truth to that. 

“The dude I’m crushing on is offering me a ride, who am I to say no?” You say bravely and he freezes, eyes wide and full of surprise with how you say that without a single stutter. 

“D-Dude you’re crushing on me?” He repeats, bringing his hand up to point his index finger at him. “Am I the dude you’re crushing on?” He asks in disbelief. 

You give him an ‘Are you joking’ look, pushing at his shoulder. “Who else is offering me a ride home here?” You ask him. 

“I’m sure tons of people would. You’re beautiful.” He says easily and you flush, not expecting that response at all. 

“Oh,” You look down at your lap with a smile on your lips. Feeling so flustered by his compliment, you change the subject. “Is it wrong to do all this after I just broke someone’s heart?” You ask him. 

Jeongguk shakes his head, “No, you did what you had to do, Y/N.” You nod, a slightly guilty expression appearing on your face once again. “Here,” He pulls out what looks like car keys from his back pocket. “Do you want to wait in my car while I finish up here?” 

You nod, grabbing the keys from him with a smile, “I’ll wait.” You grab your purse, pulling the strap onto your shoulder. Jeongguk also stands up from his kneeling position, brushing his black pants. 

Once you stand up, you have to peer up to look at him. Even with your heels on you, you’re still barely reaching his damn shoulder. 

Are you really that short or is he just super tall? 

“By the way,” You start, causing him to immediately pause from picking up the plate and giving you his full attention with the way he turns his body to look at you, eyes meeting yours. For some reason that makes your heart flutter. “Can you charge the dinner on my card?” You open your purse to pull out your tiny card holder. “It’s the least I can do for Dohyun.” You add, handing him the card. 

Jeongguk looks down at the card in his hand as if it’s the most fascinating thing he’s ever seen, eyes squinting before widening. He holds the card up to the light as if inspecting it before bringing it back down and closer to his face again.

“Um, is everything okay?” You ask in confusion. 

“Did you just hand me a black card?” His voice is full of surprise, mouth slightly ajar. 

“Yeah…” You trail off, looking down at your feet. 

Great, he must think you’re a spoiled brat. 

“Do you know the amount of unnecessary and useless shit I would buy if I had one of these?” He holds the card in his fingers as if it’s fine china. 

“I mean you can,” You respond and he just looks at you in disbelief.

“Baby you’re too sweet but I never thought about getting sugar mama.” He smirks before adding, “At least not anymore.” Your heart flutters and you try not to squeal at the fact that he casually called you ‘baby’. 

This man is trying to kill you. 

You pretend to act unbothered by his words with a roll of your eyes, shoving at his shoulder, “Shut up before I make you pay for this dinner.” You threaten and he immediately closes his mouth, turning towards the table. You laugh in response, shaking your head at him. 

“I’ll be out in 10 minutes,” He tells you and you nod, a smile on your face as you step towards the door already feeling a lot better just by talking to him. 

[a-d-nox]

my experience, given my 9h, one year post uni graduation

so as many people know who have been here for awhile my 9h... its a bit much...

for a long time, i have seen people say that pluto and/or chiron in the 9h would mean that you would drop out of college or what have you.

i am living proof that its not always the case.

my experience was the chiron placement giving me anxiety - i hated that i wasn't as great as i had expected i would be. i hated being a psych major (i feel like i have a decent ability to listen and advise others, but it just didn't feel right after 3 years in the major). my department then was shaky because the psychobio/pharm side was questionable at best; maybe one or two people would pass the tests the rest would fail and then it would be curved. the teaching style didn't work and their were no other professors or tutors available to help (WHICH IS INSANE). so i was feeling hopeless and anxious... and depressed... i couldn't see myself passing a test at the end of the term let alone going on to help others if i couldn't understand (which i connected with grades - it didn't matter how many mind maps i made on a topic) the material.

we can skip the dark crap that i went through during that time too because we have already talked about it-

so i healed myself (chiron can be wounded, but he was healer first foremost) by changing my major (pluto is the change).

yay english major - the venus there is really "a doing (learning) what i love" signifier in my opinion.

all this conjuncts my mc, so yes - i got my degree, awards, and lots of people knew what i went through by the end of it because i wrote about it in the school newspaper.

BUT ON TO THE REAL REASON I AM WRITING THIS.

what happened when i stopped being in a learning environment?

it's been a year. to be honest, the 9h chiron feeling is crawling back in. i am sure everyone notices that my posts are more sporadic and just less in general. i am mentally exhausted - i work an 8-5p corporate office job (not in my field). it's hard to not feel uninspired by the end of my day. i feel like i am becoming stunted.

my brain was a sword and without school and constant/consistent learning (especially in areas i am interested in), i feel my sword is without a whetstone.

not to be a complainer (but yes to complain) corporate america squeezes out your motivation, your creativity, and your drive if you are there long enough and if you are in the wrong spot long enough. in my situation, i feel like i try to ask questions and make change and i get rejected? so more stunting.

i feel like people would disagree, but with a 9h like i have (or if you have any of these objects singularly), you have to keep learning. you have to be in the right environment that allows you to continue to expand your being. you have to read outside of work, get certification, take classes, maybe even get more degrees.

personally, i feel like i am not as intelligent as i was a year ago - i'm tired and uninspired. i am tried of fighting for something different where closed mindedness exists. i never felt more free then i was when i was in a classroom.

to wrap this up, it doesn't matter how scary the house looks (chiron, pluto, etc). it needs your attention. if anything, you need to nurture it more. just because you didn't have the best experiences in the area doesn't mean you should ignore it - your "wounds", the "darkest" areas in your life still need your care. wounds heal and without the darkness we wouldn't know the beauty of the light.

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