#because i'm 27 and i am still figuring this shit out and that's... okay

[inbabylontheywept]

So: You have depression.

I'm 27 now. The last time I had a major depressive episode was when I was 16. I still have depressive episodes every now and then, but the worst tend to be a month, and most I can generally get through them in about a week. It took me a while to kind of figure out how to handle depression as a recurring thing, and so I thought I'd make a little welp-I-got-diagnosed-now-what guide.

So, first part of the guide: When I first got depressed, I thought that depression was the terrible, sad hopeless feeling that I had. It isn't. That terrible sad hopeless feeling is a symptom of prolonged depression. By the time I get to that point, I'm pretty well cooked and it takes a lot longer to bounce back. Avoiding getting to that point is a vital part of living with depression.

So what does depression feel like?

I am going to hammer this point home a lot of times while writing this: Depression is an anesthetic. It is not felt as a presence, but as an absence. The first absence, for me at least, is when life stops being fun. Every movie feels boring, I can't get more than a few pages into any book, and everything just seems... bland.

This is the best point to catch it at. I have found that consumptive patterns of entertainment do not do anything to help depression. Some people have told me that producing art at this time really helps them, but personally, I can't imagine trying. Instead, I just do tasks that I know inspire physical satisfaction. Which sounds like jerking off (I don't actually reccomend that route) but really means things like: Going for a walk in the sunshine. Working out. Cleaning the house in a fairly exhaustive way. Scrub the baseboards, wash the sink, clear the fridge, etc.

I recognize that doing those is really, really hard while depressed because depression causes physical weakness and exhaustion. The best I can do is, unfortunately, encourage vigillance. If you suspect you're getting into a funk, start on this before you get really deep into the mire. People that get into the mire can get out, but it's not self-help read-a-book type shit, it takes therapy and medication and patience and it is so much easier and cheaper and faster to just avoid letting it get that bad then crawling out once it's sunk its teeth into you.

I have found that for things that work almost by exposure alone, spending time in the sun and talking to people are borderline magical, with the caveat that talking to people about being depressed tends to make things worse instead of better. Talking about anything that cuts through the anesthetic of depression is ideal, or if it's sunk in deep enough that you're having trouble finding anything, talking to someone else about what they're passionate about. Ideally, you'd find someone passionate about a thing you know you're passionate about but are struggling to enjoy right then, and then you'd just let your mirror neurons run amok. Bonus Points

So, you're already depressed. Like, pretty fucking depressed, and you fucked up, and you let it slide. What then?

This is my I-Fucked-Up-And-Got-Big-Sad, Salvage-My-Weekend, depression routine. You'll need to make one for yourself at some point, and yours will work better for you, but this is mine and I think it'll work okay-ish for you. Until you get your own, at least.

I have to get up before 10 am. Staying in bed later than that gives the depression such a huge head start on my day that I just basically can't catch up. If I can't just brute force get myself out of bed, I will throw my blankets and sit cold on my sheets until that gives me the motivation I need. If I cannot work up the guts to throw my blankets, I will actually roll off the bed, flop gracelessly onto the floor, and then stare wistfully up until I can will myself to stand. It helps that every bedroom I've had either had freezing cold tile, or itchy coarse carpet. If you have a comfy floor, maybe buy a very scratchy rug? I cannot emphasize how important this step is. It's like, half of the whole thing.

After getting up, immediately go outside and sit in the sunshine. This provides free executive function, and getting it ASAP will make everything go much smoother.

Talk to someone while outside. If you have a roommate, they work great. Face to face conversations tend to be the best, but phone calls with loved ones are like at least 80% as effective. Calls to family members tend to be better than in face conversations with acquaintances or people you're mostly ambivalent about. Don't do chat messages. Worse than nothing.

This should have scrounged up enough free energy that you can clean something. I always start by trying to clear a part of my counter off. If that's all I got, that's all I got, and I still feel good about it. If that inspires me to do more, I'll run with it until a whole room is up to snuff. I don't do more than one room while I'm this crispy: The goal is not really to clean the house, but to work through a series of tasks that require some initial level of executive function but provide a larger amount back once completed. Life has a lot of these deals that are like, give me $10 and I'll give you $12, give me $12 and I'll give you $20, on and on, and the hard part is really just getting the $10. Some people wake up with $10. Most days, you will wake up with $10. But not when you're like this. You're gonna have to earn it. I'm sorry.

I am going to reiterate: This is what I do when I feel a funk coming on. My life and my schedule are not always this regimented. Living with depression doesn't mean never sleeping until 10, or having a weekend where you don't talk to someone, or take a break from cleaning. Living with depression just means never, ever, leaning into the depression when you feel it coming on. Even when it starts out feeling cozy. Even when you want to just snuggle into it and sleep and sleep and sleep. The first day or two will feel luxurious, and the next week will feel terrible, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to get out. You are always going to have to worry about that. Again, I'm really, truly sorry.

Bonus Bonus Points

I am not a psychologist, but I do have a theory about why depression exists. Remember how I said it's anesthetizing? I think that's what it's there for - getting rid of emotional pain when it isn't being helpful. People often get depressed after a major injury. Boredom is normally nature's way of punishing you for just curling up and doing nothing, but depression can be the emergency override on boredom. It makes sense for you to sit still and do nothing while your body is healing, so maybe nature temporarily removes all your motivation with depression and then just lets you be a limp noodle until you're healthy again. Maybe?

Back to the emotional level, though, depression might also be a way to muffle pains that would otherwise be so intense that people might not remain in control of the faculties. The pain of losing a parent is notorious for driving people so mad with pain that they ruin their lives, but depression is there to at least try and keep us sedated until the nadir has passed.

It is helpful to know what the purpose of depression is, because you will eventually get it from an "intended" cause, and reflexively fighting it then probably isn't good for you. And at the very least, knowing why this stupid thing exists makes the world feel like less of a cruel place.

There are a lot of interesting studies on the physical effects of depression - things like muscle weakness, increased pain tolerance, muscle relaxation, etc. that I won't go into, but it does so many things at once that it almost doesn't feel like a fuck up, but a feature that we just kind of lost the plot on. Not gonna deep dive on it, but it is something that probably shouldn't be confined to just a mental disorder.

[memberment]

Genesis

I am back from work. My internet is down. However, thanks to the gods, I have hotspot. Updates are here tn. I'm working on a redraw of Marj and Bebe. ALSO.

Abt to start writing Clyde and Kenny going on a date (THERE HAS TO BE SOME FLUFF IN THIS OTHERWISE WHERE'S THE FUN, RIGHT?)

(I totally lied I am not about to work on either of those things right now I'm about to concept my cypher for Trinitarianism. And I'm only directly saying it on this acc because there are like six people here. But there is a cypher and it is in relation to the art. I am HOPING someone picks up on HOW bc I will not be stating that. Unless I say fuck it we ball and I do. But I probably won't.)

1:43 update I got nothing done so far bc I got distracted for two whole hours explaining the plot of this entire fic to my brother god bless. BUT. The prologue art on trinitarianism has been reposted. There doesn't appear to be anything different about it though.

It is 4:58 and I've been testing shit for an hour and I keep accidentally posting and I'm GONNA SCREAM

HOW DO I GET IMAGES TO ACTUALLY UPLOAD LIKE I AM TRYNA POST A CHAPTER ON SUNDAYYYYY

It's 6:27 and I'm still lost I am calling god himself to give me an explanation because I WANT TO START POSTING THIS. ON SUNDAY. I DO NOT WANT TO WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT LINE UP. BUT I CANNOT GET IMAGES TO WORK AND THERE ARE SPECIFIC IN FIC IMAGES I NEED. I ALREADY MADE THEM. AHHH.

But anyways I'm working on the Marj/Bebe redraw in hopes that I can actually get everything done for Sunday and I got to a point with the line art where I just started coloring and I'm leaving everything up to god lmao

Anyways, send ur thoughts and prayers that one of my ao3 pals can make these pics fucking work bc I will actually scream if I can't get them to work LMAO

6:35 update NEVER FUCKING MIND I GOT IT SOMEONE QUE UP THE WAR IS OVER PART OF THAT CHRISTMAS SONG I'M LOSING MY SHIT

HOLY SHIT Y'ALL I JUST FIGURED OUT THE BEST THING FOR HEIDI'S INTRO CHAPTER I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND

Also I am SO sorry if any of you have post notifs on and your email is blowing up from me I kept accidentally posting the same fucking thing while trying to test stuff

I promise I will stfu soon LMAO

Yeah okay I just figured everything out. I'm losing my shit. Screaming. Crying. Throwing up. Anyways, expect MAD SHIT to be hidden within the walls of this fic. Like. They are gonna be HIDING. IN. PLAIN. SIGHT.

anyways first real chapter is going up Sunday because I! FIGURED! IT! OUT! (It's literally 8 in the morning I've been fucking with this for basically three hours (I took an hour break to draw bc ao3 got me mad) and I am running off diet Dr Pepper and vibes alone, excuse my insanity.)

[sunken-standard]

So I've been having a Very Bad Week

(as have many of you, I'm sure). Bad enough that I've been considering going to the 24hr mental health crisis center a few towns over (I won't, because I don't want the paper trail; once you sign the intake form it's an automatic 24hr psych hold and I don't want that on any kind of record because Nazis).

So Weds. I decided to switch therapists. I'd only talked to A. like three times I think, and I just wasn't feeling it. My last therapist, J., left the practice in August. Anyway, I called and they were able to get me an appointment with someone new Thursday morning, easy peasy, no grief at all for wanting to switch again so soon.

So I start my intake session with L., everything is normal (giving a very brief synopsis of my history and brain cooties and why I've had 5 therapists in 5 years [3 of them left! I'd still be talking to the very first one if he was still there!], blah blah). Then I say I'm really in crisis, thinking about going to the ER, whatever, and I mention it's because of the election.

I'm not going to lie or bullshit or whatever; my feelings and thoughts are why I'm in therapy in the first place and I shouldn't have to self-censor for anything (except admitting to crimes, but w/e). Anyway, this woman was like "I'm going to assume you voted for Harris?" (uh oh)

"I did."

"Well, mumble mumble, in the spirit of full discolsure, mumble mumble bullshit bullshit--"

"Did you vote for Trump?"

"Mumble mumble blah blah reluctance, yes I did."

"Oh that's all I need to know. Sorry, that's a dealbreaker for me." (I might have been a little clipped or curt, but I'm a blunt person and I don't waste time. I wasn't nasty or demeaning or anything, just completely honest.

"Oh, okay, I'll let the front office know and they'll call you back with a new appointment for someone else."

"Cool, thanks, Take care." All said politely, if a little coolly (compared to my normal customer service warmth; I would call it a baseline for most non-customer service people).

This was at 9:30 am. By 3:30 no one had called, so I figured I would (maybe they got swamped and then forgot, benefit of the doubt, whatever)

So I call. And I find out they decided to have the office manager call me on Monday because of how rude and abusive I was (????!!!!!) and they'd already come out to the reception area to warn all the other therapists of what kind of person I am.

What

The

Fuck

So this woman had lied and twisted everything around, said I told her to shut up, I insisted on knowing who she voted for, I was rude, all this kind of shit. And I can't prove a thing because nothing is recorded or whatever. So it's the professional's word against mine, known crazy person. I was so upset, I was crying on the phone and everything (and even worse, my voice got stupid so it sounded like fake crying, but I couldn't stop it or reign it in).

I made sure to give my side of things. I was very very clear that I never said "shut up" because I just don't talk like that in a professional relationship. I was also clear that she made it political by saying she assumed I voted Harris (which, let's be real, is the same as asking), and that I don't think it's unfair for me to ask the same and make a decision about my treatment based on that answer. Sorry if I don't want to be vulnerable in front of a person who actively voted against my rights as a human being ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So now I have to wait all weekend to see if I'm going to be dismissed from their care, meaning cut off from all my drugs (really don't give a shit about therapy, it doesn't work anyway).

I've mostly calmed down, but I took a lot more drugs than I'm supposed to in combinations I'm really not supposed to just to calm me down enough that I don't think I'm going to have a heart attack, throw up, or violently shit myself from my fight or flight response. (and it only took 27 hours of gross overmedicating to do so!)

Anyway, buckle up kids, this is the future now and this sure as shit ain't going to be an isolated incident.

[firesofdainix]

now i ask you 😈

2, 4, 5, 8, 22 (im curious, i always use song titles bc i cannot think of good titles otherwise LOL), 27, 28, 30, 56, 74, and 75 :DDDD

Original Ask Post

2. Where do you get your fic ideas?

It depends on what I'm currently consuming, with the exception of already-written fanfic. BUT most of the time those concepts need to be fleshed out, and most of the time I hear a good, REALLY good song lyric that can deepen the concept, or think about it WAY TOO LONG in the shower or when I'm sleeping. its... a hit or miss of ideas basically 😭

4. How do you choose which fics to write?

oh boy okay so. this is a bit embarrassing but because I have so many WIPS I have to use spin the wheel to see choose, especially since idk what to write. but if I'm lowkey inspired with one of my fics, then i'd choose that fic immediately! if I get tired, I'll move on to another one!

5. How many wips do you have? what fandoms/pairings are they for?

i have 4 current wips im actively writing right now. two are for demon slayer with no pairings involved, and two is for solarballs: one is the Jupiter x Uranus fic, and the other is my Jupiter & Sun fic that I'm still going over because IT'S A PAIN TO WRITE. then there's a new brainworm in my head, basically Uranus x Planet X and their relationship, and a Vercury one-shot where the pair have the worst sexual tension ever

8. post an out-of-context spoiler for a wip

it's posted!

22. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

preferably during the process. fun fact, take on me is named "toxic earth and mars yaoi yippee" in my gdocs and its the funniest shit ever. some fics that are based off song lyrics are already prepared, while some I have to create titles out my ass for (e.g: ganymede's one shot, earth going evil)

27. What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

uh. probably descriptions? or figurative speech. i haven't done purple prose in a while but I also think I am good at writing that :P

28. What area of writing do you want to improve in?

FIGHT SCENES!!! also, writing unreliable narrators and showing different points of views, along with ambiguous characters!!! and dialogue because god most of it sounds like I try way too hard

30. How much do you edit your fics? Do you edit as you write or wait until you finish the first draft?

if it's a one-shot, i go over it once, decided it's good enough, and post it. if it's like, a multi-chapter/ or beyond 10k words that's where I genuinely try and look for mistakes. because I might contradict myself two pages in 😭

56. Are there any fics that you would change or rewrite if given the chance?

not really haha! im in denial in thinking that most of them are okay LOL

74. Do you have a fic you wish got a bit more love?

AFTERMATH NEEDS MORE COMMENTS!!! and Take On Me (I love u regular commenter Axtumn 💞)

75. Is there a particular fic that readers gravitated towards that you didn’t expect?

SO MANY. I didn't expect to get so popular since my au was just for me to indulge and post for!!! after the battle, ganymede, saturn's moons hanging by a thread, and galileo figaro were the ones I didn't expect to blow up. i expected tsunami to blow up since I purposefully made the summary like that LMAO

[antiphrastic]

Fics I read and loved this week (Feb 27-Mar 4)

I didnt read anything for a couple of weeks because I started playing Dragon Age: Origins again, for reasons that WERE unknown to me but then I figured it out and well. This isn't the time to talk about it, but let's just ADHD + faulty time perception + grief is a sometimes funny combo. (I'm okay! Honestly! I just. Get a weird urge to replay Dragon Age: Origins, every February, and I always thought it was funny and this year I finally realised what was happening, and it's still funny, because my grandpa would NOT understand but he'd just shake his head at me about it anyway).

Is this a segue into a bunch of Dragon Age fic recs? It is not!

An art for a Trigun fic crossed my dash and I liked it so much that I thought "why not?" and then I liked THAT so much that I found others and here are a handful of things I loved that I guess I'm in the fandom for now? even though I've never seen the source material? or any iteration? ANYWAY

fool in the moon by arahir

Words: 8292 Rated: Mature

Wolfwood carries a body.

Vash is a walking death wish. A race between self-sacrifice and skill, and in all Wolfwood’s shitty years on this shit-ass planet he’s never met a man with so much of each.

So maybe Vash taking a bullet to the head for him shouldn’t have been a surprise.

Missing scene? Canon-divergent? I don't actually know I don't know Trigun at all. Vashwood hurt/comfort. There is a warning for graphic depictions of blood and wounds. I am given to understand this is very spoilery for all sorts of stuff. But it is beautifully written, and there is so much juicy characterization. The way the author writes Wolfwood grappling with his conflicting desires and emotions is absolutely delicious. I went in knowing nothing except what the main character looks like based on gifs from my dash, and I left fully invested in these characters.

(also, this is the tweet with the art that made me go look for the fic)

Let Not My Bones Be Laid Apart From Yours by ghosttopiary

Words: 5942 Part 1 of a series Rated: M (it's pressed up pretty hard against the boundary to E, though)

Here he is again, being sewn up.

So a theme may be emerging: canon divergent hurt/comfort Vashwood. Graphic in the blood and wounds/body horror and re-setting bones sense. Also graphic in the human/non-human sex sense. Also graphic in the intense catholic guilt that absolutely kidney punched me and I am not nor have I ever been christian in any way beyond the cultural so that was a surprise. It's just. I'm going to call it beautiful too. It's beautiful, even when it's horrible. If you want to feel things, and feel them Intensely, this one is for you.

[sunnychuuya]

Pookie what the flip is this I'll answer them tho lmao at least I'll try it might be slightly venty so srry about thar

yea most of the time I geuss. They suck a little sometimes but they try their best and I love them

2. My gc with my besties to say gn

3. So. So. So fucking much.

4. Its been getting a lot better lately but some days I still feel actually sickened at the sight of my own body

5. Single..

6. Painlessly. Hopefully much much later.

7. Taco belllll

8. I did soccer for a year when I was 4 and I want to attempt figure skating at some point, I'm really good at goalie in alot of games though

9. No I have two fake teeth that stop me from doing that (lore drop!!)

10. Never been in a fight. Just one sided against me if I wasn't absolutely fucking terrified of getting in trouble I would've beaten the shit outta some people, I suppose the closest thing I ever got was in 5th grade some dude was a repeated bully of mine I can't remember what it was about this time but he fucking grabbed my arm and twisted it like this fucking close to breaking it and I tried to kick him in the balls and a teacher yelled at me 🥰 he had no consequences

11. I mean I'm a Lil confused. I just got out of my first ever real relationship and I'm still recovering tbh. But I had liked my friend for three years previously and I still love him alot but I can't tell if it's platonic or not. I think it is now?

12. O n l y 48 hrs?

13. I hate alot of people tbh but I kinda hate myself for hating them cuz that's normal

14.yea

15. MY SILLY PUPPIES (one is 11 years old)

16. Fucking terrified cuz I'm about to play the second episode of sally face

17. I still have my lip virginity bro

18. HELL SPAWN

19. Maybe. I kinda wanna be a little kid again but also it wasn't the greatest for me outside of my house so I don't even know.

20. bRO PELASE STOP I HAVENT-

21. Nothing lmao

22. Idk maybe someday. Probably one maximum 2

23. Basic ear piercings but God I want more

24. English and science.

25. Yes.

26. Physical touch I need to cuddle up with someone right now I genuinely feel like I'm dying

27. I mean yea and I feel horrendous about it it broke my heart too but it wasn't a healthy relationship and was fucking up both of us

28. YES IN FUCKING FIFTH GRADE- I SWEAR TK GOD- I don't think he understood but like bruh

29. Please you're making me want to grab a knife and take it to my stomach I didn't want too but it needed to happen.

30. Same as sai, the questiond about relationships but for a different reason like God I felt horrendous enough already

31. Sai how fuckin dare you I love u okay ur like super cool and fun and I feel if I met you irl I would've wanted to be friends with you too. But I'm pretty sure I am. I just still sometimes have trouble believing it.

32. OURPLE

33. Whaaat noooo- WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU-

34. Last one thar wasn't jusr black was about choso from jjk and it was really silly I'm such a fucking degenerate bro help me

35. My dog clifford

36. Yes oh fuck yes I do and it has given me some of my worst regrets in life

37. Forgive, barely ever turns out well tho.

38. I wish its sucked tbh

39. NEVAH

40. proly when I was like a baby

In skipping numbers too for my brain to work

51. Tacoss

52. I mean technically yes it does I could go into science but I'm sure thats not what you mean, but no I do not believe everything happens for a reason because of some higher power or whatever

53. Played sally face for an hour then texted some friends cuz I was too fucking scared to sleep

54. Fuck no

55. I try not to be

56. None

57. I dunno.

58. Rainy

59. Yesss

60. Yup

61. Yeess

62. Idk alot of things surprisingly anime/friends/kpop tho r all great and video games

63. I like my name but it doesn't always feel like it fits but there's nicknames that help :3

64. STOP THIS

65. Heyyy this happened to me. I politely turned him down and we r still besties I went to his house 2 weeks ago

66. Yes. Same friend. When I went to his house he snorted fun dip and I RANTED to him about kpop for 30 minutes even tho he knows nothing

67. OH FUCK WAIT ONE OF MY BESTIES ID A TRANS DUDE I FORGOT HE TECUNIXALLY COUNTS AS OPPOSITE SEX KINDA IDK CUZ SEX IS LIKE ??? I DONT FUCKIN KNOW IG HIM BUT IF WE DONT MEAN GENDER BUT SEX THEN THE SAME DUDE FROM THE LAST TWO

68. Deepest within the last month was a 3am sleepover chat with my bestie over how mha saved my life

69. Idk

70. Yea at least 10 ppl

@mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow totally understand if u don't feel like answering these btw they r kinda hard

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[survivor-marieta-islands]

Episode 16: "She's in her COMP BEAST ERA."—Trinica

Trinica

GET WRECKED MOTHERFUCKERS

Zo

The emotional part of me feels guilty voting for Jinx tonight but the rational part of me knows you gotta get rid of the ones who are trying to get rid of you 😕

Jinx

OooOOOOUUUUU if i pull this off? i can call myself a survivor player

Trinica

Okay uhhh I won the last immunity challenge so I was safe, yay! But bestie Brandi was not, boo! But then Jinx idoled herself and I was like damn RIP Brandi. But then it TIED between Brandi and Colin! And then Jinx SAVED BRANDI thank GOD. And now it's 2-2 or 3-1 if we can convince Zo that Jinx now has to go oop

Aaaaand Colin is gone which like I really did need to happen because they could have collected like 5 jury votes AT LEAST if they played their cards right. And now this FIC is made up of a ton of challenges I did really well at teehee so hopefully I have this in the bag despite the fact that I'm in NYC for a work trip and busy as FUCK. We'll see. I have way less time to do this than I normally would. But we'll see.

Brandi

I thought for sure I was going last night and jinx saved me. JINX. we have never been able to get in the same page and J I N X S A V E D M E

Trinica

also Brandi asked for my Guess Who spreadsheet and, fully cementing my role as villain, I am indeed falsifying it before sending it to her ;___;

Brandi

ok look I cannot figure out that damn dolphin game. trinica got 7 mil, jinx 10 mil???? brandi 300,000. and that was an accident.

--

im back bc zo has 100000 BEADS. BEADS. B WORDS. BEADS.

--

I got that puzzle in 27 minutes and I kinda regret cheating so hard last time lmao like imagine we used that cheat code this time...... I need it

Zo

Somehow Someway I have convinced Trinica to take me to FTC 👀 I sometimes am amazed at my own powers of persuasion and absolute LUCK that falls into my lap! Had Colin not given me the legacy advantage, I would probably not be sitting where I am today but I trusted the process and didn’t go as hard as I could have on Final Immunity knowing that the legacy would somehow get me to FTC. Ok I need to go take a walk I’m still holding my breath from tribal wow

Trinica

Hoooooooly shit. The jury said I'd have to win out to make it to the end, and I've fucking done it. I can't believe this. She's in her COMP BEAST ERA.

So last vote saw Colin out, which I did need to happen but couldn't convince Brandi to do, and I'm so glad, but it did give Jinx 2 flashy moves at the forefront of the jury's mind when they played an idol. Then Jinx almost beat my ass at a challenge and I had to win in a tiebreaker (which I demolished at, 1000 to Jinx's 500, but WOOF I was scared). I would LOVE nothing more than to go to FTC with Jinx for a second time- the poetic justice!- but I Fear. They could very well win. I've come too far and gotten too much blood on my hands to let my sentimental heart lose me the game. No matter who's at the end, this is going to be a BATTLE.

[dzamie]

I posted 15,568 times in 2022

That's an average of 43 posts a day!

977 posts created (6%) (thanks, horny anon(s))

14,591 posts reblogged (94%)

Blogs I reblogged from the most:

@dovewithscales

@universalthaumaturge

@catgirldick

@ demilypyro

@carbisari

I tagged 15,401 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags. This is because I am using tumblr correctly.

#text - 12,482 posts

#image - 9,255 posts

#tumblr - 3,252 posts

#video - 1,669 posts

#furry - 1,477 posts

#dragons - 1,408 posts

#rawrs - 1,068 posts

#politics - 853 posts

#vore related - 689 posts

#asks - 684 posts

Longest Tag: 47 characters

#doug dimmadome owner of the dimmsdale dimmadome

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I thought @prokopetz's 🔁🐦 (Rotate Bird) RPG was a fun little idea, so I figured I'd have a go at making a character and writing up a scene to see if I could figure out the test mechanic.

Meet Chandler the Fluffy. With his pipe, his bristly, grey beard, and his yellow raincoat and hat, it would be easy to mistake him for a gruff old sailor. However, he's only in his thirties, is as cheerful as can be, and has only set foot on a boat twice in his life. His hobby is metalworking. After an improbable incident one day between a homemade figurine, a ball of magic, and a Sollux Captor cosplayer, Chandler was granted three special abilities: "Copy Piece," "Mirrored Fangs," and "More Utensils."

"Alright, in the next area, you see a locked gate, a small pile of bouncy balls, and a catboy with a vacant smile holding a small, chrome key."

"I'll use Copy Piece to make a duplicate of that key."

"Okie. That's gonna be a test to see how accurate it is - or you can get just a generic key-shaped thing for free."

"Kinda defeats the purpose of copying a specific key, no? Now, it's a shiny metal thing, so I'll tap the crown because treasure, the area - still outside, I presume - is well-lit, so the lightbulb there, and also the paperclip 'cuz I'm MacGuyvering this shit. Also, if you tilt the ice-cream sideways, it kinda looks like a diagram of an eye, and I'm looking closely at the key, so..."

"Lightbulb and ice cream are a bit too far. Two dice?"

"Wait, wait: EYES cream."

"...goddammit. Three dice, as long as you never use that pun again."

"I'll take it. 1, 4, and... 5. I'll take that four, thanks."

"Okay, you get a perfect copy of the key, and for the fallout... that's the falling dude."

"I'll sac the... lightbulb to unbe that. Y'know, before someone makes me trip and drop the key beyond the fence."

"I'd never dream of it."

"I'm sure. Alright, time to use the key to unlock that gate!"

"Gate's unlocked now. But before you go, you feel glomping intent and hear the catboy right behind you: 'Mew aren't plannyaing to leave with my key, nya?'"

"And you criticize MY puns? Anyway, I turn and hand him the key. And use More Utensils and hand him a spoon as well."

"Wh- again? Uh, he takes them both, though looks puzzled at the spoon."

"Out I go! 'Bye, kitty, enjoy the spooonn!!'"

322 notes - Posted March 27, 2022

#4

They're right and they should say it. Any game with item durability is made objectively better with an option to turn it off. Looking at you, Minecraft. Breath of the Wild. Enter the Gungeon.

Dark Souls gets a pass because basilisks, wonky hitreg, and Blighttown show that the game was always intended to be hostile to the player.

While we're at it: hunger is a shit mechanic.

335 notes - Posted February 22, 2022

#3

where the fuck is my Next button

did I reach the end of tumblr

is Demily's post so powerful it deleted everything after it

339 notes - Posted February 25, 2022

#2

NO

NO!

THEY FIXED IT

THEY FIXED THE RAT POST

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY

1,420 notes - Posted March 22, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

6,483 notes - Posted October 16, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

(fixed that last link so it's not a fucking tracking URL because I have standards)

[dingleautomotives]

There’s no need to be embarrassed, you know.

[meanbihexual]

7, 17, 27, 37, & 47 for any of your SWTOR babes!

So I have 9 developed (ish) OCs, so I just assigned them randomly to numbers without looking at the questions first, and I definitely got some combinations that I probably wouldn't have picked on my own, so I definitely am stretching some creative muscles on this one.

Thank you for sending me these @storyknitter!

I'm also putting a cut because this got long.

7. Favorite way to waste time? Feelings surrounding wasting time?

Safi: So Safi doesn't actually learn to waste time until well into adulthood. The Tiisheraan enclave was run by a very busy, very efficient Jedi who expected the people around her to be the same way. It's hard to blame her, given that she was running an enclave and a creche in, essentially, the mountain wilderness, and you know shit got crazy, but it didn't exactly teach the kids in her and her colleagues' care how to relax.

Safi's time on Tython with Orgus was largely spent learning how to slow down and take a breath in between Doing Things, but even after she figured that out her free time was mostly spent meditating, doing chores, or taking care of other little things that needed to be done.

Kira is actually a really good influence on her, because Kira knows how to have a good time AND take care of things, and she balances the two pretty well, so she definitely pressures Safi into really spending time doing things just for fun or even not doing anything. Especially after the Emperor's Fortress, when Safi was really struggling with meditating and really anything about being a Jedi, Kira helped her to discover that sometimes it's okay to just stop and do something meaningless.

Safi definitely continues to struggle with it, though, and funnily enough it's when she and Theron get together that she finally starts to figure it out. Theron is physically incapable of relaxing when she meets him, and seeing it in him and wanting to help him just goof off sometimes allows her to see the value in wasting time and really learning what she likes to do when there's no higher purpose to be served. (The same thing happens to Theron in reverse, as well, and they actually turn into semi-sane people eventually.)

Once she realizes that wasting time can be beneficial and that it's actually pretty fun, Safi likes watching holo-soaps (don't judge her), gardening, swimming, and listening to music.

Phila: Reading trashy romance novels all the way. Phila LOVES them, and the more ridiculous the premise, the better. In a weekend with nothing going on, she can easily devour five or six of them, along with a rancor-sized portion of Alderaanian chocolate.

She also loves to dance, although she doesn't usually consider it a waste of time. Before she decided to join the army, she was seriously considering a career as a professional dancer, so she likes to work dance into her workouts and also just uses it as stress relief.

Phila is fine with wasting time as long as everything important is dealt with first.

17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

Ixaila: Ixaila is the closest thing to Sith princess that exists in the Empire. She's the heir to two prominent pureblood families, she was raised in wealth and privilege and style, and it definitely shows in her wardrobe, which is so extensive that it takes up a room the size of a (large) shuttle at her estate. She rotates out what she has available on her ship every few months, and she only ever brings a small fraction of what she owns onboard, but it's still enough for her to crew to eyeroll extensively when it's rotation day.

Ixaila always looks put together. Vette has commented more than once that Ixaila is the only person she knows that can come out of battle looking like a holo-model (if they were modeling for a post-apocalyptic type deal.) Whatever outfit she has on, you can bet it's the highest quality, designer version available in Imperial space (and sometimes outside of that, too.)

As far as colors go, she favors blacks, reds, golds, and the occasional red-toned purple, and for fabrics she likes options that are rich and soft. A lot of her pieces are cut simply but really shine in the details, like embroidery or beading.

If she has any particular dressing rituals, she hasn't shared them with me.

Jy'tana: Functional all the way. It's a bonus if it looks nice, but she's always going to go for the outfit that makes the most sense for whatever she's doing. She doesn't really have any rituals for dressing, but she does have some superstitions regarding how she dons her armor and prepares her blasters for battle. Unfortunately, if she told you what they are, she'd have to kill you.

27.  What is their biggest regret?

Amytis: Amytis is still percolating in my brain, but based on what I know so far, I'm going to say that she let Lana get away the first time. And the second time, too, actually.

Amytis and Lana meet for the first time on Hoth, when the consular is doing whatever Chapter 2 bullshit is happening at that point. They end up snowed in together, and, as is a Moral Imperative in fanfic, fall tragically in love and do some Doomed Lovemaking.

Of course, after the blizzard is over, they're faced once again with the fact that they're on two opposing sides of a war and have really only known each other a very short time, so they end up going their separate ways.

They end up repeating this pattern during SoR and finally end up staying together after that, but they did lose several years together.

Katt: I haven't solidified a lot of Katt's story after SoR, so from prior to that, it's that she wasn't able to save her father after her mother died.

When Katt was a child, her parents were spacers, and she and her younger sister Liri were raised on their ship. They went all over, transporting freight (both legally and not so much), seeing new planets, never staying in a new place long enough for it to get boring. Katt absolutely loved it.

When she was about 10, after making a run to a planet somewhere in the Outer Rim (Katt can't even remember the name, now), her mother got sick. The illness moved fast; one day she was fine, the next she wasn't, and in a week she was dead. Whatever it was affected her brain; she forgot who she was, who her family were, all sense of time and space and environment.

Understandably, this was terrifying for Katt, and really fucked her up on Taris when she was dealing with a disease that literally steals people's Space Humanity.

After her mom died, though, Katt's dad was destroyed. He made his way back to Coruscant, left his two daughters with his older sister, and started taking suicide smuggling runs that no one else would. It didn't take long for his actions to catch up with him.

Of course, none of this was Katt's fault, and even though she knows that logically, she can't shake the emotional sense of regret that she should have done more, been more, to keep her father alive during that time.

37. Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

Tsia: Tsia definitely starts off more analytical and as her story progresses she becomes more emotional. I would love to give more details here, but I haven't played the agent story in like, 6 years, and I really need to do that again so that I can develop her more.

47. How do they express love?

Ynnara: In public, usually very sarcastically. Sometimes people wonder if she really does love her wife, until they see that unrefutable proof that she does (typically in the form of "I will kill you, slowly and agonizingly, if you do anything to make her even slightly unhappy." Ynnara has issues, but she's a Sith, so...)

In private, however, Ynnara is ridiculously romantic. You know those Jane Austen heroes that spout off the most heartbreakingly romantic monologues at any given moment? It's like that. She also is very physically affectionate, so kissing, hand holding, sensually draping herself across her lover, she's got all that down.

And, of course, tons of sex.

Adira: Adira is basically a giant golden retriever with the capacity of a labrador puppy to get into trouble. So her love looks like a lot of well-intentioned disasters, enthusiastic physical displays, and occasional heart-meltingly tender moments.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hey! So, to make a long story short - I'm 27 years old, born and raised Catholic. I consider myself an occult-leaning person, or a Christian witch so to say, but my faith is very complicated and I want to ask YOU if it's valid/okay like, at all. Basically, the Catholic "vibe" or imagery or certain parts of theology and beliefs and stuff in the Bible is super close to my heart, and I like to go beyond that - meaning I have some interest in the Gnostic teachings and beliefs. I also dabble within Thelema and other various occult-leaning stuff, and it feels good so I don't think there's a problem. However, I have to say I feel like my relationship with God and religion is a bit difficult, as I don't really "trust" so to say bishops and the clergy, and some parts from the Catholic catechism aren't really up my alley. I like going to Church sometimes but I do not feel it is super important to me. I have to ask you - is my practice, faith, beliefs, and all that shit *still* valid? Sometimes I have doubts, I just made a tumblr (hello there lol) and I've seen many different Catholic witches and like I sympathise and kinda identify with that but I am way more beyond that. Would appreciate any insight!

Hey there! (same-age + Catholic-roots high-five!)

I totally feel you on not being able to fully trust all the clergy of the Catholic Church because let's be real, a lot of them are super corrupt; and there's a lot of stuff in the Catholic Catechism that does harm. I personally identify as Catholic, but not as Roman Catholic to make that sort of distinction in myself — much of my faith life is Catholic, but I don't consider myself under the authority of The Roman Catholic Church.

---

Ultimately, I have zero authority to tell anyone whether their beliefs are "valid" or whatnot — but I do believe that pretty much any faith system that brings nourishment to self & others rather than harm* can be a healthy way of connecting to the Holy, whoever or whatever that may be.

---

I have several friends + know of quite a few people who incorporated elements of both Catholicism and witchcraft / paganism / etc. into their personal faith experience, often with powerful results. But I myself have not delved into the occult world, so I'm not the person to go to to discuss it! Still, you might find some useful stuff in my Christian witches tag — after checking out the posts in there, feel free to return with further questions!

You might also like listening to / reading along to some of the episodes of my podcast where I've interviewed folks with similar experiences to yours, to get their informed perspectives rather than my outsider's perspective:

my conversation with Taylor, a Christian witch (ep 18); they talk a good bit about how there's a lot of overlap in Catholic stuff and witchy stuff

And with another Christian witch, Phoenyx (ep. 7, no transcript for this one yet) (Phoenyx is also on tumblr and has an essay about "what the Bible says" about witchcraft over here!)

Solaris doesn't talk about witchcraft in depth if I remember correctly, but they do incorporate some of that into their Methodist faith (ep 36)

Azura Rose talks about Satanism in ep 46

And there some more witchy stuff discussed in ep 20, in which multiple folks share info about their sacred spaces

Aaaand more witchy stuff in an ep where I talk about a video game that delves into some history of syncretism in 19th century Russia haah (ep 48)

Plus an ep where I talk about how Brigid is a meaningful figure in three different religions (including Catholicism; ep 47)

__

*One huge thing to be careful of when practicing witchy / occult stuff is not to appropriate rituals or beliefs from closed systems if you can't claim them — such as connecting to Lilith if you're not Jewish; or burning sage if you're non-native. Appropriating stuff causes real harm and perpetuates systemic exploitation of marginalized communities, so it fails the simple "do no harm" test of whether a faith system is sound.

I invite any Christian witches, pagans, or similar to chime in with any thoughts (or just so @perfect-mind can see you're out there!)

[ravysu]

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

[ming-yu-hao]

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder | Chapter 2

Pairing: fratboy!mingyu x female reader, some wonwoo x reader

Word Count: 6k

Synopsis: When you transferred to a different university, you and Wonwoo promised that you would make long distance work. But distance proves to be more difficult than you both originally thought.

This Chapter’s Tags: cyber sex lol, angst, CHEATING, grinding, oral (female receiving and male receiving), fingering, mingyu is just sweet and it makes me sad, kinda fluff?

Warning: THIS SERIES IS ABOUT CHEATING. DO NOT READ IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!

A/N: i really self indulged on this one... man i just wanna fuck frat boy mingyu is that too much to ask... anyways PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS CHAPTER I PUT A LOT MORE TIME INTO THIS ONE so feedback would be very appreciated <3

Chapters: Previous | Next | Masterlist

Sunlight peeked through your blinds the next morning, stirring you awake. You opened your eyes and snapped them shut again as the glare of the sun blinded you. Yawning, you reached for your phone and squinted at the pile of unread messages from Jisoo that had built up over the span of last night.

Jisoo: omg what u were here for like 2 seconds :(

Sent at 10:49 PM

Jisoo: i hope u feel better babe

Sent at 10:49 PM

Jisoo: wait

Sent at 10:50 PM

Jisoo: did something happen with wonwoo

Sent at 10:50 PM

Jisoo: i swear if he's mad at you for being a normal college student...

Sent at 10:50 PM

Jisoo: bitch answerrrrr :(

Sent at 10:53 PM

Jisoo: i'm staying the night somewhere i hope ur feeling okay <3 pls update me when u wake up

Sent at 12:06 AM

You laughed under your breath as you realized that it was 10 AM and Jisoo's side of the room still remained empty. From how last night was going, you could only assume that she was somewhere with Seungcheol. Classic Jisoo, you thought to yourself.

Just as you sat up in bed, your phone vibrated with another notification. You glanced down, expecting another text from Jisoo, but your eyes lit up as you saw Wonwoo's name on the screen instead.

Wonwoo: good morning :) do you wanna facetime?

Sent at 10:27 AM

Without replying, you quickly opened up your laptop and called Wonwoo. He answered after a few rings, his face filling the screen for the first time in a month.

"That was fast," He laughed. He must had just woken up because his voice always had a distinct rasp in the morning. His glasses also still rested on his nose and you could see his bare chest at the edge of the frame.

You smiled warmly. "I've missed you," you said, leaning closer to the camera.

"I missed you too," he gave you a toothless smile and ran a hand over his face. "I'm sorry I kept ditching you."

You shook your head. "No, it's okay. I understand."

You stared at him for a moment, neither of you speaking; you almost didn't know what to say. After all this time, you felt like you didn't know anything that was going on in his life anymore. It was tearing at you slowly. You were watching your own boyfriend become a stranger to you.

Luckily, Wonwoo broke the silence. "What are you doing?" He asked.

You shrugged. "I just woke up. I need to shower."

He raised his eyebrows at you suggestively and chuckled. "Oh?"

"Shut up," you rolled your eyes as you snickered. Wonwoo rested his arm behind his head and smirked at you.

"Can you blame me? I haven't been inside you in so long." He groaned. You felt your face burn at his bluntness. You looked down at your hands, and he must have noticed your embarrassment because he quickly asked, "Your roommate isn't there, right?"

"No," you replied, gazing back up at his face.

"Why're you so shy?" He grinned devilishly.

"I'm not," you protested. You began to toy with the bottom of the big tee shirt you were wearing.

Wonwoo sighed loudly. "I'm horny."

"I can tell." You replied with a chuckle. You slowly pulled the hem of your shirt up farther until your underwear could be seen. Wonwoo noticed this, biting his lip.

"Fuck," he breathed, "I miss your tight little pussy." Your skin heated up with each word he spoke. You watched as he removed his arm from behind his head; your mind instantly filled with images of him stroking himself. "Touch yourself for me." Wonwoo demanded.

Without a word, you leaned back against your pillows and slowly spread your legs for the camera. The wetness between your thighs was so intense at this point that your underwear was clinging to your folds.

Wonwoo let out a deep groan as he touched himself off camera. Your skin flushed even further as you watched his face contort in pleasure. "Take off your shirt," he muttered.

You obeyed, pulling the fabric over your head and leaving yourself mostly exposed. Your breasts bounced in view of the camera as you leaned forward and pulled your underwear down your legs. Wonwoo moaned, his head leaning back and exposing the veins in his neck. "Fuck, you're gonna make me cum already."

You giggled and leaned back against the pillows again, this time exposing your nude body to him. You dragged your hand down to your heat and began to run your fingers through your folds. You let out a whine at the long-awaited contact. Your other hand squeezed at your breast, stimulating your sensitive nipples.

"Shit," Wonwoo hissed, "If I was there I'd be fucking you so hard. Making you moan my name for everyone to hear." You felt yourself clench at his filthy words. You bit your lip and rubbed your clit in circles.

"Mmh, shit." You moaned. "I miss you so much. Miss feeling your cock inside me." You heard Wonwoo's breathing grow heavier on his end of the line. You could tell he was going to cum soon. You pushed two fingers inside you, desperate to release.

Curling and scissoring your fingers deep inside you, intense pleasure began to take over your body. You threw your head back and whined loudly as you felt your orgasm approach. "Wonwoo," you moaned.

Wonwoo let out a choked moan at the sound of you moaning his name. "Fu- I'm cumming," he stuttered as he finally released.

You continued to pump your fingers inside of you while Wonwoo started to slow his breathing again. "Cum, baby," he said. You brought your other hand down to your clit and rubbed it in figure eights. Your legs twitched with pleasure, your walls clenching and pulsing around your fingers.

You cried out as your orgasm finally washed over you, your head falling back against the pillows behind you. You kept your eyes closed for a few seconds as you basked in the pleasure. Your heavy breathing began to calm.

When you opened your eyes, you saw Wonwoo wiping his hand with a tissue. He glanced at you and smiled. "Now that," he whistled as he laid back down against his mattress, "was unbelievably hot."

Your cheeks burned and you reached for your shirt to pull back over your head. "We should do that more often," he said.

You laughed. "Maybe."

Wonwoo sat up after a moment. "What time is it?" He asked.

You glanced at the clock. "Almost 11."

He groaned in frustration. "Fuck, I have to go. I have a group study soon."

"Oh," you replied.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly as he rose out of bed. "I'll call you Saturday, okay? I love you." You nodded silently.

"I love you too," you said right as he ended the call.

And then you were left alone, with sweat sticking to your skin and your soaked underwear balled up next to you. You shut your laptop and sat in silence for a few moments, staring out the window as you felt disappointment settle over you.

That was the first time you had seen his face in a month. Hell, that was the first full conversation you two had shared in so long. And it was over as quickly as it had begun.

Anxiety coursed through your veins. Was that all you had become to your boyfriend now? Just a number that he could call when he wanted to get off? Were you no longer someone he confided in?

You shook yourself out of your worried thoughts. Finally, you stood and walked over to the bathroom, your legs still a little weak beneath you, and turned the shower water on.

You stared at yourself in the mirror while you waited for the water to heat up. Your mind flashed with images of last night—of Mingyu staring down at you, his lips nearly brushing against yours, and the sound of you moaning his name.

You had told yourself that it had only affected you because you missed Wonwoo. Then how were you still left feeling unsatisfied after what just happened between you two?

Things were not the same as they once were, you noted as you stepped under the stream of hot water.

When you walked into your digital media class on Tuesday morning, you were hyperaware of each little movement you made. You kept your gaze fixated on the ground and carefully trotted up the stairs until you reached the row you always sat in. Glancing up, you saw Mingyu through the corner of your eye, his attention captured by his phone.

The sound of you setting your bag down was enough to pull him away from his device and look over at you. You sat down and stared forward, refusing to make eye contact with him. Your face started to burn in embarrassment; you didn’t know how you were going to make it through this class.

“Hey, I’m sorry about Saturday,” he paused, “I was drinking and I didn’t know what I was doing.” He said, breaking the silence. You forced yourself to finally look at him. He was back in his usual state: clean, pushed back hair and muscles concealed by his hoodie. You could see genuine remorse in the shine of his eyes and in the slight pout of his lip.

You shook your head. “No, no. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you.” You reassured him. His troubled expression seemed to lighten up a bit at your words. He gave you a small smile and nodded his head.

“Good. Otherwise this class would’ve been a lot more awkward.” He chuckled and returned his attention to his phone.

You observed him for a minute, noticing the way he chewed on his bottom lip in concentration. Your body flushed again as you thought about his lips: how close they were to yours, the words they whispered to you, how you imagined they would feel against you skin. You tore your gaze away from Mingyu, your heart beating a little faster than before.

You needed to get a grip. There was no way you were going to make it through the rest of this semester if you spent every class getting flustered while reminiscing your half-asleep-wet-dream-fantasy of Mingyu.

Sighing and choosing to ignore the pressing thoughts in the back of your mind, you pulled out your laptop and buried yourself in your notes until the professor strolled into the room and began the lecture.

You managed to successfully ignore Mingyu’s presence for most of the class, despite him sitting only a few feet to your side. You were only reminded of his existence again when your professor announced: “We will be working on a project for the next week. Everybody needs a partner.”

You and Mingyu glanced at each other, as the two of you normally collaborated on assignments in class. He nodded and gave you a thumbs up before you returned your attention to the professor.

“You will write two articles on events or people in the community. For the first, one of you will write and the other will be responsible for photography. For the second, you switch.” He explained briefly.

The lecture came to an end a few minutes later, and the room instantly started buzzing with conversation as students stood up and scrambled to find partners. You turned to Mingyu and gave him a tight-lipped smile.

“I guess I should get your number so we can talk about the project?” Mingyu suggested, pulling out his phone.

“Uh... yeah, okay,” You replied awkwardly as you typed your number into his phone. You cursed yourself internally for letting this happen. This class used to be fun: you and Mingyu casually talked and exchanged answers and cracked jokes with each other and that was that. You didn’t know much about his life, and you didn’t need to. Hell, you didn’t even know he was part of a fraternity. But now that was all ruined. You couldn’t even look at him without feeling small and awkward. And all of this was to blame on some cheap alcohol and your stupid hormones.

You pulled yourself out of your thoughts as you handed Mingyu’s phone back to him. “So, do you have any ideas?” You prompted.

Mingyu’s face contorted as he thought for a moment. “Um, my frat’s doing some charity event this week,” he said. When you didn’t respond for a moment, he panicked and added, “I don’t know if it’s a good idea. We can just-“

“It’s perfect.” You cut him off, snickering at his uncertainty. “Since you know more about it, you can write that one, and I can come and take pictures.” Relief flooded his features and he let out a breath. “When is it?” You asked.

“Thursday.”

“I’ll see you there, then,” you smiled.

The next day passed quickly and before you knew it, the evening of the fundraiser had arrived. You and Mingyu had texted casually the past couple of days; he just gave you details on the fundraiser and tried to come up with an article idea for you.

You strolled through campus on that Thursday afternoon, wrapping your denim jacket around your torso a little tighter as a chilled breeze blew through the air. The brisk atmosphere of late autumn was finally starting to settle in. You quickened your pace, wanting to reach the university quad before you froze.

As you neared the quad, you could hear distant chatter and laughter. You rounded the corner and took in the view of the surprisingly large crowd that gathered near the booth the SVT frat had set up. They were having a raffle for a voucher for free textbooks. Whoever came up with the idea was genius; you couldn’t think of a better way to get broke college students to participate in something.

You walked up to the booth, camera bag in hand, and immediately recognized the boy sitting behind it. It was Seokmin. His eyes lit up as he saw your familiar face. “Hey! Y/N, right?” He greeted you. You told him yes and smiled before greeting him back.

“Do you know where Mingyu is?” You asked, scanning over your shoulder for the tall boy.

Seokmin squinted as he stood up and looked around the quad. “Uh, he was somewhere around here earlier.” He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “He’s probably off being an idiot.” You laughed and fiddled with the camera in your hands.

Just as you were about to ask if you could take a picture, someone shook your shoulders from behind. “Y/N! What are you doing here?” Jisoo bounced in front of you, Seungcheol by her side.

“Jisoo? I didn’t realize you were a member of the frat now?” You joked before holding up the camera. “I have to take pictures for a class project.” You explained.

Seungcheol wrapped his arm around Jisoo’s waist and said, “You can take a picture of us.” She agreed excitedly, already posing and smiling before you even pulled out the camera.

You stepped back and looked through the lens, making sure that the booth was visible in the background. “Okay, say cheese!” You said as you snapped the picture.

A pair of hands then poked you in your sides, causing you to yelp loudly and nearly drop the camera. You whipped your head around and saw Mingyu’s taunting face smirking down at you. “Hey, Y/N.”

“God, you scared me! You’re lucky I didn’t drop the camera.” You cried, playfully smacking him in the arm.

Mingyu held his hands up next to his face in defense. “Woah, sorry. My bad.” He chuckled. Jisoo and Seungcheol approached you two, butting in on your conversation.

“You know Mingyu?” Seungcheol asked, glancing between you two and raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah, we’re partners for a project.” Mingyu explained briefly while checking over his shoulder. He turned to you. “Let’s go take these pictures fast, yeah? It’s kinda cold.” Before you could even respond, he linked his arm with yours and walked you away from the booth and into the small crowd of students.

You furrowed your eyebrows and looked up at him. “We got out of there fast.” You noted.

Mingyu sighed. “Yeah, sorry. Cheol’s just weird about certain stuff.”

You were even more confused now. “What do you mean?”

“He just like- he tries to set me up with people all the time and I don’t want him the get the wrong idea of us.” He dismissed quickly before saying: “Why don’t you get some pictures of the people standing around here? Just take a few. We don’t need that many.”

“Oh... okay.” You responded hesitantly. You lifted the camera up again and snapped a couple more pictures of students conversing and walking up to the booth to buy raffle tickets. Mingyu stood next to you with his arms crossed over his chest, impatiently tapping his foot. He flashed you a relieved smile when you turned to him.

“All done?”

“We should be.” You replied while placing the camera back in the bag.

“Okay, we can go back to the house and work on the article together,” he said, “there’s gonna be some people from here hanging around there later but they shouldn’t be too loud.”

You agreed and began walking with him towards the SVT frat house. The sun was beginning to set now, and the air nipped at your exposed skin as the temperature continued to drop. You stared down at your shoes while you walked, your mind still fixating on Mingyu’s strange behavior.

Finally, you mustered up the courage to ask: “Are you okay?”

Mingyu’s eyes met with yours. Confusion overtook his features in response to your question. “Yeah?” He chuckled.

“Sorry,” you spoke, “you were just acting weird earlier.”

Mingyu sighed and stared ahead silently for a moment. “I don’t know,” he started, “I guess I just still feel bad about last weekend.”

Your heart fluttered in your chest as you revisited the memory once again.

“Sorry for bringing it up again. I know we should probably just move on already cause it wasn’t that big of a deal. I just... feel like I overstepped. So... I’m sorry.” He rambled.

You looked up at him again. “You don’t have to feel bad. I’m not mad at you.” You exhaled. “But you’re right... we should just move on.”

Mingyu gave you a small nod before changing the subject. “Did you figure out an article idea yet?”

You shook your head. “No, but it’ll be fine. There’s so much that goes on around campus.”

Your conversation slowly died out, but thankfully you arrived at the SVT frat shortly after. Mingyu opened the front door and allowed you to step through before walking in behind you and shutting it. The house was warm; you shivered as your skin adjusted to the change in temperature. You slipped your shoes off and stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to guide you through the house.

Mingyu led you to the dining room, crying out as he rounded the corner. “Seriously, Seungkwan?” He huffed.

A boy sat at the head of the table, textbooks sprawled across the surface. A few other people sat at the table with notebooks and laptops in front of them, watching Mingyu with confused expressions on their faces.

The boy—Seungkwan—stood up from his chair with his jaw dropped. “What do you mean ‘seriously, Seungkwan’?” He mocked Mingyu’s deep voice. “You know I have group study every Thursday!” He cried.

Mingyu rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” He responded.

Seungkwan sat back down and calmly resumed his studies as if nothing had happened. You assumed that this must be typical behavior between the two. Staring at Mingyu with wide eyes, he turned to you.

“Is it fine if we go work on it in my room?” He asked, his voice lowered.

You felt blood rush through your ears. You swallowed. “Yeah,” you exhaled.

Mingyu led you up the stairs and down the hall. When he opened the door to his room, you were surprised by how clean it was. Everything was organized neatly and the room smelled fresh.

You heard the door click shut behind you, and your heart started beating faster.

“We can just sit on the floor,” Mingyu spoke. His deep voice startled you a bit. You walked further into the room and sat down with your legs crossed, resting your back against his bed frame as you set the camera down next to you. Mingyu sat down, his knee only a few inches away from yours.

Reaching behind his head for the laptop sitting on his bed, he pulled it into his lap and opened up the article.

“I’m not completely done yet.” He smiled sheepishly while rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’s fine. You’re farther than I am.” You reassured him while you took the camera out of the bag again.

He laughed, “That’s true.” You placed the camera in his hands. “Alright, let me just get these pictures pulled up on here.”

You nodded and looked down as you played with your hands. You began to wonder what Wonwoo would think if he knew that you were in some other guy’s room right now.

You frowned and pulled your phone out of your pocket. You opened up your messages and went to send a text to Wonwoo when you realized that the message you had sent him last night was still unread. A dark, heavy feeling settled over your chest. Why did he act as if you didn’t exist anymore? Why would he suggest doing long distance when he couldn’t even commit to it?

You shut your phone off and set it on the floor next to you, staring forward. You exhaled, trying to stop the tightness growing in your throat.

Mingyu was leaned over his computer, his lips pursed in concentration. The definition of his triceps was visible through his sweatshirt. “These pictures actually didn’t turn out too horrible.” He said after a few moments of silence.

You laughed and playfully hit his shoulder. “Shut up.”

He brought his gaze to meet yours, a teasing smile on his lips. “No, they’re actually good.”

“Thanks,” you squeaked, the intensity of his gaze making you nervous. You felt blood rush through your veins. You broke eye contact, glancing down at his nose, and then at his lips that were parted slightly. You quickly looked up to his eyes again, but now they held a knowing look in them. He knew exactly what thoughts were going through your mind.

You inched closer to him, your breath getting caught in your throat as you noticed him bringing his face closer to yours. Your heart raced as you fluttered your eyes shut. His lips brushed against yours and you leaned closer, but then you felt him pull away.

“Do you really have a boyfriend?” He asked.

You sighed, opening your eyes slowly and looking into his concerned ones again. You pressed your lips into a line and looked down shamefully.

“I do,” you admitted. That tight feeling in your throat began to come back. Mingyu was silent. “I’m sorry.”

As you spoke your voice cracked and tears began to spill from your eyes. You felt Mingyu’s warm, soft skin caress your cheeks, holding your face in his hands. You looked up at him with teary eyes.

“Hey. Shhh, don’t cry.” He whispered. His brows were furrowed in concern as he ran his thumb over your cheek. “You can talk to me about it. I’ll listen.”

God, how you hated that he knew exactly what to do and what to say. You hated that he was giving you everything you had craved the past two months without even realizing it. You hated how he made it so easy to confide in him when you had a boyfriend that was supposed to be there for you instead—a boyfriend that was becoming a stranger to you.

You closed your eyes, causing more tears to fall down your face. “I’m sorry,” you said again, your voice a broken whisper.

You inhaled a shaky breath. “We’re long distance. But he barely talks to me anymore.” You explained. You brought your hand up to hold the wrist that was still caressing your face. “I just feel so alone. It feels like he’s given up on me.”

Mingyu was silent. The only audible sound in the room was your uneven breathing.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said, “you deserve better than that.”

You felt your heart flutter in your chest at his sweet words.

“What do you want?” He questioned.

You opened your eyes. You were no longer crying, but your face was still wet with tears. Mingyu was staring at you with that same concerned look: eyebrows furrowed, eyes wide and conflicted, lips slightly parted.

“I just want someone to care.” You muttered.

He brought his face closer to yours again. His tongue darted out to lick his lips, and his eyes were half shut as he whispered: “I can take care of you.”

Your breath hitched.

“Do you want that?” He asked.

“Yes.”

Mingyu finally brought his lips to yours, kissing you hard and passionately. He left slow, open-mouthed kisses against your lips. The hand on your face gently squeezed, puckering out your lips as he continued to kiss them.

You brought your hands up to his hair, running your fingers through his soft locks as he pulled you into his lap. Your hips rested on top of his, straddling him, and you felt his tongue dart out against your lips. You parted your lips, allowing him to slip his tongue into your mouth and deepen the kiss.

You ground your core into his lap, feeling his length begin to harden beneath the fabric of his jeans. He groaned into your mouth as you continued to move your hips back and forth.

This is all that you had wanted: someone to care for you, to touch you, to pay attention to you and make you feel wanted.

Mingyu brought both of his hands down to your hips, pushing you down against him as he lifted his hips up towards you. “Let me make you feel good,” he muttered against your lips.

You exhaled shakily, feeling the growing wetness between your legs. “Okay,” you whispered.

He placed his hands on your ass, roughly squeezing the soft flesh between his hands. You circled your hips again, letting out a quiet moan as his hard cock brushed against your clothed clit.

He pulled his lips away from yours. “Stand up,” he said quickly. You obeyed, peeled yourself off of him, and stood expectantly as he stood up from the floor himself. You could see the outline of his cock in his jeans as he rose. He towered over you now, making you feel small beneath him. He pushed your jacket off your shoulders, letting it fall to the floor, and his fingers played with the hem of your shirt.

“Can I take this off?” He whispered into your ear. You nodded silently and he pressed a soft kiss beneath your ear. He lifted the fabric up, pulling it over your head and exposing your body to him. His hands brushed against your waist, making goosebumps form on your skin. “Lay down,” he demanded.

You sat down at the edge of his mattress and laid on your back, bunching your legs up at the edge of the bed. He leaned over your body, caging you in by resting both of his forearms on either side of you, and placed another kiss to your lips. Just as he began to kiss down to your neck, he pressed his hardness against your center. You let out a whimper at the contact.

He nibbled and sucked at the soft skin of your neck, causing your entire body to tingle. You leaned your head back, exposing more of your neck to him, and your eyes rolled back into your head at the pleasure.

“Mingyu,” you whimpered. He pressed his clothed length against you again.

“Fuck,” he hissed. He placed more open-mouthed kisses against your neck as he ran one of his hands down your stomach. He brought his hand up again and squeezed your breast through your bra.

He pulled away from your neck, looking down hungrily at your chest. You noticed this and complied to his wishes by arching your back against the bed. He brought his hands behind you, unhooking your bra before pulling it off of you slowly. He exhaled as he stared at your bare chest.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said. You felt heat rush to your face at the compliment. Before you could say anything, he brought his mouth down to your breast, sucking and flicking his tongue against your hardened nipple. You gasped. At this point you were so turned on you were sure that your arousal had already soaked through your leggings. He squeezed your other breast with his hand, and you arched your back again as you moaned.

Mingyu pushed himself up, staring into your eyes with his lust-filled ones. He kept eye contact with you as he pulled away, nearing your core. His fingers slipped under the waistband of your leggings. He looked to you for approval, and you nodded your head rapidly.

He tugged your pants down quickly and slid them off your legs, leaving you in only your underwear. He could see the wet spot on the fabric; he brought his fingers to the cloth and pressed it against your clit. Your legs twitched and you gasped quietly.

Mingyu chuckled. “Shit, you’re so fucking wet for me.” He licked his lips, and you could see the pride in his gaze as he slipped his fingers beneath your underwear and pulled them down your legs.

He brought his face close to your center, smirking before finally bringing his tongue to you and licking a strip up to your clit.

You let out a choked moan and your legs shut naturally, but Mingyu placed both of his hands on your knees and spread you open for him again. He placed a soft kiss on your clit before sucking on it harshly. Your hips jerked up and you cried out.

He looked up at your from between your thighs, an alarmed look on his face. “You have to be quiet, baby. There’s people downstairs.” He went back to sucking on your clit right after.

You pressed your lips together, trying to contain your moans, and they came out as heavy pants and muffled whimpers instead.

Mingyu brought his fingers to your core, teasing your entrance. He flicked his tongue against your clit as he pushed a finger into you and curled it deep inside you. You arched your back and cried out, “Fuck!”

As the pleasure continued to grow, you brought your hands down to his hair again, tugging each time he pumped and curled his finger in you. He moaned against your core, the vibrations making your eyes roll back into your head.

He pushed in another finger, scissoring them deep inside you. You could hear the filthy sounds of his fingers pumping into your wetness.

“M-Mingyu,” you moaned. “I’m gonna cum.”

He smirked against your core before resuming his ministrations of his tongue against your clit. He pumped his fingers into you faster and curled them with each thrust.

The pressure in your lower stomach was growing fast. Your legs began to shake as the pleasure built, and when Mingyu pushed his fingers deep into your core, you felt the knot snap.

You threw your head back as intense pleasure washed over your entire body. Your legs convulsed and you couldn’t hold back a particularly loud moan. Mingyu continued to pump his fingers into you slowly as you rode out your orgasm.

When the pleasure subsided, he pulled his fingers out of you, keeping eye contact with you as he placed them in his mouth and sucked them clean. The sight was so dirty that you whimpered softly. He leaned over you again, kissing you one last time, allowing you to taste yourself.

He rolled over, laying next to you on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. “How was that?” He asked.

“Good,” you breathed, “really fucking good.”

He chuckled under his breath. “I’m glad I could help.”

You sat up, glancing at the obvious boner that still strained against his jeans. “What about you?” You prompted.

“I’m fine. It’ll go away.” He dismissed, throwing an arm over his eyes. “Just lay down with me.”

You bit your lip, thinking for a moment before palming him through his jeans. “But I wanna make you feel good. It’s only fair.”

He hissed at the contact, his hips jerking up a bit. “Shit,” he muttered, removing his arm and placing it behind his head.

He watched you with half-lidded eyes as you fumbled with the button of his pants. You pulled them down, reaching your hand into his boxers and pulling out his cock. It was big. Really big. You were honestly worried if you were going to be able to fit it in your mouth. You stared at it for a moment, wide-eyed.

Mingyu looked down at you and giggled. “Well? Do something.”

You pumped your hand up his shaft, swiping over the tip and collecting the pre-cum that was leaking out. You pumped him a few times before situating yourself between his legs and bringing your lips down to his tip.

You rubbed your lips against his leaking head of his cock before pressing a soft kiss to it. Finally, you wrapped your mouth around him and sucked on the head. He groaned and lightly jerked his hips up, forcing more of his cock into your mouth. You glanced up at him while you continued to suck, pushing more of him into your mouth.

He stared back at you with his mouth hung open. “Fuck. ‘M so hard.” He moaned before leaning his head back against the mattress. “I’m not gonna last long.”

You swirled your tongue around him while he was in your mouth. Then you pushed your head down further, taking him deep into your throat. You struggled to inhale through your nose, almost choking on his dick.

You pulled yourself off him, catching your breath, and continued to pump his length. You brought your head back and sucked him into your mouth, using your hand to stroke whatever you couldn’t fit in your mouth.

Mingyu was panting and jerking his hips up each time you swirled your tongue around his tip. You looked up and saw his head thrown back, the veins in his neck prominent as he clenched his teeth. He hit the back of your throat and you moaned against him, the vibrations causing him to gasp.

“Fuck! Fuck, I’m cumming.” He cried. You kept him in your mouth as the strings of hot liquid met your tongue.

You kept sucking on his length until you swallowed around him. You pulled yourself off his cock with a pop and stuck out your tongue to show him that you swallowed everything.

He pushed his softening cock back into his boxers and motioned for you to come up next to him. “Let’s lay down.”

You laid down on his chest and he pulled a blanket up to cover your nude body. You closed your eyes and listened to the softness of his breathing and the faint beat of his heart beneath his ribs.

“Shouldn’t we work on the project?” You asked after a few moments.

“No, it’s fine. Let’s just rest for a minute.” He said, running a hand gently down your back. You leaned into his soft touch.

The two of you laid in a comfortable silence, just basking in the calmness and in each other’s warm presence.

“Mingyu?” You broke the silence, looking up at him.

“Hm?” He hummed, meeting your eyes.

“Thank you.”

[hopefulstarfire]

Alright so the Gotham Historian podcast is still happening. It's not gonna be a high quality high budget thing unfortunately its essentially me w my own lil recording app just yammering away about Batman 😂.

The first scripts almost done. It was gonna be shorter and then I found something interesting so now it's gonna be longer and it'll be discussing Batmans very first appearance ever, Detective Comics #27.

The second script I'm trying to pull in as much research as I can for it because it's about the early publication history and creation of Batman. It will namely be focused on Bill Finger and some of the other contributors, such as Jerry Robinson, and not so much on Bob Kane. Because Bob Kane got over 70 years of the spotlight to himself for essentially just being the salesman for Batman while everyone else did all the work. I will have rants about this.

Third episode will be all about explaining the Bat Familys various members, how it came to be, and even some looks at the Wayne family tree itself.

Fourth episode will be about Batmans Rogues Gallery. And, yes, you will be hearing so much about Lord Death Man, because goddamnit he gives me so much seratonin in the midst of my major depression. I fucking love Larry.

Fifth episode will be dedicated to both mapping out Gotham, explaining Wayne Industries a bit more and also going into some of the different Batman gadgets. It's the catch all episode for that.

After those episodes, I have ideas, just figuring out the episode order, but it'll be going across just all sorts of different topics and if anyone wants anything specific I will absolutely do it.

For now, some of the ones I know I'm gonna be talking about are

An entire in depth episode for a milestone talking about Pre/Post Crisis Jason, leading up to his death and everything around A Death in the Family, and about how he wasn't the angry asshole or "little snot" that his writers at the time tried to say he was.

The wildest Batman controversies, and, yes, The Selfish Lover one is at the top of that list.

Some different storylines across the Batfamily and their villains, such as Tower of Babel, Long Halloween, We Are Robin, Year One, etc.

The best episodes of BTAS.

Debating on if i just want to make a really long post about why Lego Batman and Mask of the Phantasm are the best theatrically released Batman films (with the Burton films being just right behind them) or if I should do it for the podcast.

The issue where Bruce got to save his parents.

The issue where Batman wanted to lobotomize the Joker.

The importance of Oracle.

How I would do a Batfam series of cinematic or television releases.

The Himbo Bruce Wayne Argument. I do briefly talk about it in the first episode. There will be an entire episode dedicated to this because I will die on this hill.

Probably the best episodes or highlights of the different movie and tv show adaptations of the Batfam or those moments that really hit hard. I probably won't touch on the Nolan films or Pattinsons Batman bc I don't like them and I don't really feel like just sitting there talking about shit that I don't like bc others like them and thats okay find your enjoyment wherever you can dudes.

Also don't really wanna talk about Tom King and Devin Grayson, because they have both pulled so much fuckshit with their runs and I just

Different episodes going more in depth into specific characters beyond just my explanations in the 3rd and 4th episodes; such as deeper dives into Dukes powers and also where his story can take him, finding identity with Tim (since the writers cannot figure out what his hero name is anymore and also lets not forget btas just making him jason with tims name and costume), Harleys character growth, why Two Face would make for an infinitely better archnemesis for Batman than the Joker, etc etc.

WAYNE FAMILY ADVENTURES MY BELOVED.

I got a ton more but those are just some of what I've been thinking of and again if anyone wants a specific topic I am more than happy to talk about it. But just know that it is on the way and I'm just excited to be able to share thoughts and information with everyone because Batmans been my favorite thing since I was at least 3 years old.

[eusuntgratie]

4, 10, 13, 17, 18, 25, 27, 36 sorry they're good and stuff.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

hahahaha i know this isn't the intent of the question but y'all already know it's baby. got hit with that first baby in a buddie wip i'm reading and felt myself physically swoon.

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

um. i feel like there's definitely things i'm not thinking of but the your blue eyed boys series and its sequel series. god. i think about it all the time. i used to re-read the whole thing every year but i haven't in awhile. something about steve's complete and utter dedication to bucky, his tenacity in figuring out a way to help him despite having no fucking clue where to start just does something to me. the things they carried kind of collectively fucked up my entire friend group in high school. this is me trying haunts me. tiny houses. oof. there are definitely more not-fic examples but i can't think of them atm bc i barely read anything besides fic lately.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

maybe grief. i have a hard time putting the small quiet moments of loving someone into words. things that resonate with me personally are sometimes easier to write and sometimes harder, it just depends how i'm doing and what i'm writing.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

okay i'm gonna talk about shadow even though i'm not really actively writing it right now bc i've been thinking about it for REASONS and bc its my beefiest wip. its one of the million fics spawned by a buddie playlist you made me (MWAH!) inspired by one particular song on there. a very specific scene of baby eddie at a college party with his sister meeting a very out and very queer and slightly older buck and just losing his whole ass mind came to me on my work commute.

so basically the fic started with this mental image of buck in a crop top and glitter - you can see him here lovingly drawn by @demonlandline 😍😍😍 like the image was SO clear in my head and still is and i still can't believe i get to look at him eep

but then its sort of spiralled out into this much larger story of eddie exploring his queerness and facing the ideas of who he was supposed to be and i think i'm probably gonna project a lot of my catholic bullshit and thoughts about my own queerness and all the other reasons i am obsess about eddie into the story. and i think it will be a beast to write, because there will be some fun scenes and i'm planning for a lot of smut but there will be a lot of heavy shit too. so it'll be awhile before i can focus on it but. i'm excited about it.

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

i was really really nervous to write Q, because I'd never really fleshed out an OC before but mostly because they're nonbinary and i'm cis and i just didn't want to fuck up.

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice…what do you Know?

sex?! hah. there's a reason i'm so comfortable writing smut. 🤷🏻‍♀️ parenting. healthy communication and healthy romantic relationships. i guess i could write more about gardening or sewing or taking care of an iguana or cooking or any of my other weird/random experiences/interests but i don't think i've really worked any of that into my writing yet. i definitely know way too much about higher education in the us but i have no interest at all in writing about that :)

okay i skipped two bc this is hella long and i'm afraid tumblr will eat it before i can post

weird writer asks | ask me

[dire-crowley-apologist]

A bunch of bullshit word vomit about my oc

Tw: slight mention of s*icide

Aster the non magic human who got pulled into twisted wonderland a few years before MC. He's 27 and he had actually died back in whatever dimension he belonged to but now he's in this whack ass world alive and technically well. Crowley uses him to do tasks that he's either too busy to do or just didn't want to and he's gotten pretty used to the day to say goings-on at the school. He's stubborn and talks and very much like "fuck them kids" when something happens. He also back talks and out right refuses to do shit at times. He's very much a self indulgent oc X3 so potentially not lore friendly

Aster (nicknamed: Ash) throwing an absolute fit because he can't get a God damn energy drink in this fuck ass world

He's very much a "this is fucking stupid, I'm leaving." Type

He keeps to the "shadows" and out of public view of the students. The only ones who really knows he exists are older students who were there when he showed up and the staff and no ones really allowed to talk about it. Of course, rumors make their rounds about a supposed urban legend that involves Aster. Crowley tends to keep him close. Why? Aster shrugs "I don't know. Cause he's fucking weird?"

He's just trying to enjoy his lunch but he's being bothered by more busy work

Aster: Self care hack: pretend you're sim that has no choice

A normal conversation between Crowley and Aster

Aster has absolutely 100% barked at Crewel with an absolute straight face, threw some finger guns and left.

Aster is just a depressed dude living at a fucked up school where a normal day literally does not exists.

"[ ] overblotted!"

Aster munching on a brownie "That sucks."

he got the brownie from Crowley in exchange for doing something for him

Aster @ Crewel: That's not very live, laugh, love of you

Aster when Crowley asks him to do literally anything: In this economy?!

It's either "in this economy?!" Or "it's gonna cost ya." If Aster goes along with anything without complaining or asking for something in return then something is wrong and maybe whoever is asking should rethink.

At some point after MC shows up Aster makes more appearances in the public eye to help out as like a weird form of kinship but absolutely does peace out when shit gets too annoying

praise is the real trick to getting Aster to do anything and Crewel found that real quick

Aster also loves spicy food

Man eats hot peppers as snacks practically

Crowley really has no real power over him cause any like thinly veiled threat is responded with "okay, and?" Funny enough the one who seems to hold the leash is Crewel since he figured out the trick so to speak. Aster still back talks and grumbles but he usually gets whatever is asked of him done without issue. He isn't happy about it! He definitely isn't happy about being praised and being called a good boy!! He isn't a dog God damn it!!

am I shipping aster with bird and dog man? Absolutely! Mans got two hands.

Aster when the overblotting shit kicks off: I don't know what's going on but I do know I don't want to be a part of it. leaves to go take a nap or something

also Aster died via s*icide though he doesn't remember it nor does he remember much about his past life now that he's in twisted wonderland. He does have a scar around his throat like a rope had been wrapped tightly around it.

Idk why Aster being canonically dead and Crowley fucking knowing that is just so fucking funny to me

Aster is such a tsundere

And can not handle being flirted with. Aster.exe has stopped working

Aster: This feels like an airport

Aster: I'm 27 years old. I have no money and no prospects.

"If you have no money how do you have all this stuff?"

Aster: I think you should stop asking questions.

Aster @ Crowley: Whats yours is mine and what's mine is also mine.

When bird, dog and Aster get together the dog is the one who holds the brain cell but even then they end up is some really dumb situations

Aster @ Ace, Deuce and Grim: My brothers in christ, this is maidenless behavior.

Aster being told that he's starting to act like Crowley a little bit and having a crisis about it

Aster: I DO NOT ACT LIKE THAT CROW!!!

the whole student body watching these two idiots dancing around the fact that they like each other

Aster: This is the worst day of my life.

Crowley: The worst day of your life so far.

Crowley: excludingthattimeyoukilledyourself

Aster: What?

Crowley: Nothing, nothing. :)

Aster being an absolute brat to Crowley but then ready the throw the fuck down when anyone says something like HEY THATS MY BIRD TO BULLY, JACKASS

Aster absolutely has a praise kink

AAAAAAA

Crewel pointing out that Aster is spending too much time with Crowley because his bad habits are starting to rub off on him.

Aster getting all flustered and saying that his bad habits are his own a-and nobody else's and that he definitely isn't spending nearly all his time around Crowley that his picking up some of the birds mannerisms

Aster: I would kill for an Arizona green tea right about now.

And last but not least, a kitty Aster