#because i think if i bought more art items and did more art i'd be in this situation with my art as well

[jojotichakorn]

for the game - phum 🤲

you said i should do all of them, which is insane, but also thank you weeeee ✨🫶

i'm gonna put the headcanons under the cut though, y'all can send asks with other characters (& emojis) from here

🏳️‍🌈 a sexuality headcanon

i personally definitely headcanon him as gay.

🏳️‍⚧️ a gender headcanon

a good ol' cis boy.

😇 a headcanon about their religion/lack thereof

hmmm... i'd imagine he's probably not religious, because he was shipped off from thailand at a really early age, and no one was socialising him and really involving him in the culture oversees either, so religion probably just kind of naturally passed him by. at this stage, i also can't imagine when he would discover it later in life on his own either.

🧸 a headcanon about their childhood

well 💀 horrors beyond our comprehension, basically. tbh, we know quite a bit about it, but just to solidify, i think 1) his parents and oldest brother genuinely never called to talk to him; 2) fang did call almost every day, but it got to this slightly weird juxtaposition of like "oh, you're calling me, but then if i start complaining about the horrific situation i'm in, you shut me down", so it wasn't Great, 3) the distant relatives he lived with did not care about him at all, it was truly unimaginable levels of neglect; 4) he had zero friends and the "i cried every day" thing was not an exaggeration.

👻 a headcanon about what scares them

well, we know about heights. for some reason, i also think darkness. that's if we're talking specifically classic fears. if we're talking more psychological - definitely fear of rejection and abandonment.

👽 a headcanon about a weird quirk of theirs

i do not think he sleeps with his plushies, that's not really their function. they are a comfort item during the day and also just a special interest on their own, as a collection.

💤 a headcanon about their sleep

i actually think he has a really hard time falling asleep, specifically because he isn't used to feeling safe, and that's also why he wakes up at the smallest sound.

🦾 a disability headcanon

autism in the biggest boldest letters.

💝 a headcanon about their love language

i'm gonna be honest, it's all of them equally. he is very acts of service, he starts driving peem around everywhere almost right away, he exchanges food with both peem and fang, so they wouldn't eat what they don't like. crossing over into gift-giving as well, he bought peem a bunch of seafood even though he doesn't eat it because they were at sea and peem would have wanted to eat it, he buys peem stuff all the time tbh, he pays for toey as well. quality time is also up there - he follows peem around everywhere and doesn't mind just sitting there in silence while peem works on his art. physical touch, of course, he can't stop touching and kissing peem. finally, words of affirmation, he is really good at compliments and just talking about how much he loves spending time with his friends etc. like i always say, his heart is the size of a skyscraper, and he has so much love to give.

🫂 a friendship headcanon

he still has a really hard time making friends and i think it will take him a long time to actually start hanging out with his new friends from peem's friend group separately and not when everyone is invited.

💔 an angsty headcanon

his self-worth is incredibly shakey, it's truly like a game of tumble tower, when you can see that it's gonna fall on the next player's turn. and i think that, though it will get better, especially if the family thing is resolved correctly, it will genuinely take decades to deal with it fully.

🪢 a headcanon about their family

his parents are gonna get hit by a bus that will be driven by someone who looks suspiciously like me :)

📓 a headcanon about their hobbies

i think he definitely has a hobby that involves a lot of reality-escaping. probably not video games, because i can't remember seeing a good pc/console at his apartment. i am leaning more towards books and/or movies/series, something like that.

👗 a headcanon about their clothes

he does not really care about fashion rip 😔

🔪 a headcanon relating to fighting/violence

unlike fang, i actually don't think he was ever that big into it. he ended up in a couple of fights anyway, because of fang, but he himself is very 👉👈

🌟 a headcanon about their desires/wishes

i think he wants kids, but is afraid he is going to make a terrible father, because he hasn't really had any good examples of parenting throughout his childhood.

🥇 a headcanon about what they’re best at

perhaps a slightly weird answer to a question that's probably leaning more towards skills and achievements, but i'm gonna say taking care of people. he is very attentive and loving, he is genuinely just incredibly good at the small gestures and remembering things about other people and giving the right gifts and saying the right thing at the right time, etc. etc.

🍫 a headcanon about food

he eats a very limited amount of food, which is also why fang can only cook spaghetti - he learned to cook it specifically for phum, and phum just kept asking for the same thing every day. i wouldn't be surprised, if he isn't actually allergic to seafood as well, but just says that, because it's easier than explaining that he eats exactly seven foods and nothing else.

🎭 a headcanon about what they lie about

his exact feelings about his parents. i think he's been shamed a lot for feeling the way he does towards them, so he keeps making things up and skirting around the conversation, so he wouldn't have to directly say "i do not want to see them anymore".

❤️‍🔥 a romantic headcanon

he is extremely romantic in my opinion. i think he believes in soulmateism and true love and the whole shebang. i think he watches lots of romcoms and has probably seen every mlm storyline in existence, dreaming of his own gay little relationship. he has all the proper romantic gestures down to a fine art too, obviously.

💄 an appearance headcanon

yes, he did dye his hair that shade of brown to look more like a teddy bear. slash srs

🖕 a headcanon relating to anger

anger is his mortal enemy. he has a lot of it pent up inside (understandably so), but he thinks it's a very ugly feeling he is "not supposed to feel", so he suppresses it. whenever he feels angry, he just kind of goes inside his shell and leaves the situation.

😺 an animal related headcanon

he is a cat person (hence, peem).

😬 a headcanon about the worst thing they’ve done

straight up the agreement he made with peem at the beginning.

😭 a headcanon about the worst thing that happened to them

being abandoned by his parents at five years old.

😶 a random headcanon!

he isn't as close to toey as he'd like to be, because he is 1) autistic and 2) not particularly well-socialised, so he has a hard time really understanding what social rules to follow for their particular relationship. in his head, he definitely considers toey his younger brother and would absolutely just spoil him rotten and hang out with him a lot, but not a lot of that gets actualised in reality, because he's a little afraid of making any sudden big moves or actively saying that he feels about toey the same way fang feels about him.

[overculturedswine]

I came across Flipwitch when the soundtrack came into my YT recommended, and wow, it really goes. Absolutely recommend checking the soundtrack out, it's amazing. The art looked pretty good, and people in the comments were talking about how good of a Metroidvania it actually was, despite being "just a porn game TM". That was all very intriguing, so I checked it out.

Now, I'm not like an expert on Metroidvanias - I've played two Metroid games and failed to get into Hollow Knight - but this seemed mediocre at best as one of those. The actual movement and controls are good, there's some interesting stuff you can do - I think I got a couple treasure boxes before I was supposed to cuz you can toy around with coyote time and whatnot. However, the movement at the start of the game is nearly the same as the end. You get a side dash and a triple jump (you start with a double jump). I didn't think that this changed the way I interacted with the world really. There are some spots you can't reach without an upgrade, but not very many. When the game wants to lock you out of an area, it'll do it by locking it behind a key you have to find instead of an upgrade you need. This just makes it feel a lot flatter, sometimes I felt like this was less of a Metroidvania and more of an Open-World game, if that makes sense. The quest log certainly didn't help in that regard.

There are two progression paths: the ability upgrades, and the wand/damage upgrades. The ability upgrades are just like any other Metroidvania, mostly. You explore around and find stuff you can use. There are also merchants you can buy from that'll give you magic items, but I never really interacted with them. At the start when their items were useful, I never had enough money to spare, and by the end I had already figured out not to bother with combat. The only good thing I bought let me use fast travel starting from anywhere - the only good thing I bought let me skip more of the game. The wand upgrades come from doing quests. There are a bunch of NPCs around, you do some stuff for them, and after you've done a few, you return to your teacher and raise your damage output. Mechanically, you could probably ignore this. It's just a damage buff, and it doesn't do much more than make combat less tedious. But those quests are where most of the porn in this porn game is, so the game does want you to interact with it. I did do all of them, but mostly cuz I wasn't sure if they were important to do or not. For a while, it was unclear how important these were to progression. They aren't normally super interesting either. Some of them require exploration, you need to find an item and bring it back, so you might need to backtrack and use an upgrade, but most aren't. Most of the quest entail of finding someone who's into catgirls, so you put on your catgirl costume and have sex. You can collect a bunch of these costumes and wear them in normal gameplay, but tbh I stuck with the defaults most of the time.

I found the combat really uninteresting. You have two attacks, a melee and a ranged. You can get magic items and upgrades that will enhance your ranged attack, but since you have to rotate them into activation and then charge them, it means they're not that useful in gameplay. Using them is so slow, so it's almost never worth taking the extra seconds swap them in, charge, and then activate. I also had issues with some of them where they wouldn't activate properly, so I'd have to start again. It didn't take long before I just stopped bothering. Since the combat is so uninteresting, the boss fights also really suffered. I died a few times on the first boss, but from there on out I cleared each boss in one or two tries because they all had almost the exact same tells and patterns. I actually thing normal exploration is more dangerous than boss fights, but not even for a good reason. The main reason I died was that I was unaware I was so low on health. You get a ping if you're very low health, but every single attack does more damage than that ping accounts for, so even if you don't hear it it's possible to die in one hit. On most of my deaths I had heals in the bag, and plenty of time to heal, I just didn't realize I needed to. Obviously there's a HUD as well, so I can always check visually, but it's small and in the corner, so I didn't really see it passively. Personally I just found it rather annoying.

The porn was also really disappointing. The art direction is on point at all times, the enemy designs are super cool, the level art is great, the soundtrack again, rules, the sound design is also really awesome. All of this together should combine into porn that's like, interesting. But it doesn't. Maybe it's just me being queer, but it's just boring. This has a fantasy setting, there are demons and angels and minotaurs and slime monsters and mushrooms and goblins and moving statues and living plants and the game somehow made those all boring. One of the biggest game mechanics is that you can switch your sex - that's what the title of the game means! So all together this should be incredible, but it isn't. Your player character mostly has the game animations across genders, but the boy's idle animation has him gently his hips swaying from side while the girl's is doing that, but also like, I can't even describe it well, breasting boobily? Find me a woman who ever stands like that and I will pay you. When you kill a male enemy he makes video game death sounds, but when you kill a female enemy she makes video game sex sounds. It's just really superly duperly made for straight guys. The PC's male sprite is actually pretty cute, but when he's in a sex scene it's always whatever girl who's the focus. It's all PIV or blowjobs, over and over and over again in the exact same way. There are a few lesbian scenes, but those are clearly made for dudes to watch. Is there any male gay sex? No, of course not. Again, fantasy setting, all sorts of fantasy creatures, and it's all straight PIV.

What's annoying about that is that they all look super good. The animation is incredible, the style is amazing! It's all very cutesy-chibi-ish, but it toes the line to where it's still hot. It is obviously executed well, but they just weren't interesting in anything else.

Anyway, go listen to Hieroglyphmix, it's amazing. It's got a whilhem scream, amen break type stuff, fun synths, full orchestra to loop it back to the top, it's great.

I like this game more than Hollow Knight, but that's cuz I'm a weirdo and can't stand that game.

[reallyhardy]

I really love your prints, the colours and patterns are always so bold and playful! I've bought merch from redbubble before, but as a budding sewing enthusiast myself I've been eyeing your bags thinking... I could make something with that. Would you consider selling some of your printed fabric for people to make items for their own use? I'm thinking dungaree style pinafore dress and scrunchies with the scraps. Thank you for all the cool stuff you create!

❤️❤️❤️

hi! i'm so sorry, i've been asked this before and i want to make maybe like a more formalised reason for why i'm saying no for now

basically however many years ago i made something of a mistake by posting my mushrooms design online at full res for anyone to just...right click and save and it ended up stolen by an amazon seller based abroad where, even after i reported them for infringement, amazon did nothing and left the listing up. in checking the reviews it turned out the products were not particularly high-quality print-wise, and were made with synthetic, swimsuit type fabric. this really disheartened me as as far as i know this amazon seller is still able to make money off art they stole from me. so it's sort of soured me to sharing my work...

also: i'd in the past had textile products available via redbubble and then had people both irl and online report that the fabric was low quality, thin, and synthetic, and the print quality was also blurry or smudged... just really like. not what i want to be putting in the world, and that was because i left it all to a 3rd party

this isn't to say that i don't want other people getting to make things with my patterns on, really it's more about the fact that i just want to keep ownership over things that have my art on them right now, and know that i'm responsible for the things that are made from my patterns, and that the fabric they're printed on is fabric that i've personally felt and checked the quality of. i hope this doesn't sound too gatekeepy or anything. my mind may change later on down the line! but at least while i've still not even completed a full year of business selling my bags, i just want to be using the fabric myself - and maybe when i've been at this for a little bit longer, i'll consider trying to find a way to offer fabric in a way that's fair to me earnings-wise as well as accessible to people.

[queenofzan]

and idk it's hard not to be bitter about how anti-fashion people are when most people are also under the impression that clothes are cheap and easy to manufacture

they're not!

everything you're wearing was made by human hands, with very very limited exceptions. some tubes can be knit entirely by machine. your socks may have only been monitored by a technician, not directly sewn by one. likewise simple knitted hats. tubular skirts or dresses.

does the thing you're wearing have sleeves? straps? separate elastics? a zipper? it was made by human beings.

the only reason we think clothes are cheap is because they are made by slave labor.

everything i am wearing right now, except my socks, was made by me. if i paid myself an equitable wage for that labor, this outfit would be hundreds of dollars.

it's not a fancy outfit. i'm wearing a binder (self-drafted pattern), underwear (multiple-iterations of fit adjustment on a commercial pattern), a button-up sleeveless top (self-drafted pattern in multiple iterations), and trousers (self-drafted pattern with multiple iterations for fit). and the socks i did not make, but which i bought from a company that purports to only sell ethically made items like eight years ago.

i'd estimate the top took about four hours (not including pattern development), the pants more like eight (which does include some pattern development, since it was only the second time i used the pattern, and i ended up removing and adjusting the waistband twice), the underwear about an hour, and the binder probably two. at a decent but not great pay rate (less than most union jobs in my area pay, but about what they paid ten years ago), that is $375 not including materials, overhead, or any of my other costs (such as the pattern development and training to do all this).

this is a pretty standard casual-to-business-casual outfit. it should be $500-600.

now, i can get a pair of work trousers from target for, idk, $30. a top, let's say ditto. the binder is more expensive because it's still a specialty item but let's pretend anyone but me makes binders in my size i personally find comfortable, that's $75. underwear? likewise, i'm a sensitive baby, i have to buy kind of expensive undies in order to not feel pinched, let's say $15. which puts me at $150.

the only thing close to a fair wage for a skilled worker there is the binder, because, again, that's a specialty item people still feel comfortable charging a decent price for, because there's less undercutting happening. that won't be the case for long, as more places stock binders in store and therefore try to find ways to cut costs and get their sweatshop workers manufacturing them.

clothes are not cheap. clothes are not simple. they are not easy. they should not be so cheap, and the people who make them should not be exploited.

and tbh i do feel like there's a connection between not understanding how much work still goes into clothes and devaluing Fashion-As-Art. i think if more people were aware of the Real Cost of an everyday outfit being several hundreds of dollars, they might be less confused about why clothing designers and producers think hard enough about it to make Weird Fashion Art.

[kingsbride-moved]

3, 5, 6, 8, 10, 14, and 20 for the end of the year selfship ask game! :]

3. did a relationship with an F/O change in a major way (i.e. you started dating a platonic F/O or realized you prefer a formerly romantic F/O to be a friend, got married/engaged to an F/O, etc)? if so, did it happen more spontaneously, or was it something you had planned for a while?

Asterius was originally platonic but overtime his relationship with Dia started feeling more romantic :~) he's still not quite at the point where I'd call him a romantic f/o but he's inching there. And regardless I love him a lot... I wish I was better at drawing him tho! Would make sooooo much more content with him if I was better at drawing him </3 5. regardless of who you'd pick for the previous question, which F/O would you say you spent the most time with this year (i.e. by thinking/talking about them the most, creating a lot of art or writing for your ship…)?

Not even a question Theseus is always #1 </3 hmm I wanna elaborate but I'm not sure what else to say about it here... but he's literally on my mind almost daily even if I don't always write or talk about him! 6. talk about any special/memorable moments you had with your F/O(s) this year! Which stood out to you the most? Haven't talked about them here bc they were both suuuupper brief and fleeting but I've had 2 dreams about Theseus somewhat recently :~) though in one he was a summer camp counselor! We kissed overlooking the edge of a cliff but I woke up immedietly afterwards LMAO 8. in which ways did your F/O(s)/selfshipping help you this year? Hmm this is gonna be a lil less about selfshipping and more about Theseus and Asterius in general. I've talked about this before but in 2019 ~ 2020 or so I was rly rly depressed and hadn't really done any art in months and months. I had started drawing again a little bit but in late 2020 I saw a clip of Theseus and Asterius and I just latched onto them immedietly <3 and because Theseus was such (and still is) an unpopular character, I had to create for him myself... so I did! A lot of it too, I had drawn more in those months than I had all year due to Theseus and Asterius </3 I don't draw them as much as I used to since I've been focused on my personal projects again, but they are Quite Literally the reason why art became fun for me again... 10. have you bought any merch of your F/O or other items that remind you of them this year? A LOT of keychains of Theseus and Asterius!! I've posted my most recent one here, but I think I have ah... maybe about 10 total. Wish they had official merch but I do not see that EVER happening </3

14. did you find out anything new and surprising about yourself through selfshipping this year?

Hmm not necessarily THIS year but Theseus and Asterius basically reignited my interested in history and mythology and I've been invested in it ever since <3 20. are there any hopes and wishes you have regarding your own selfships and/or the selfship community as a whole for the coming year? There should be more content for bitches like me who prefer their babygirls to be cringefailures who can't do anything right. Thumb's up! 👍🏽 also I want to finally start comming people for art of Dia and Asterius I need more art of them together tcfyvgbuh

[captainpirateface]

So kids... Lemme tell you a tale....

I have been looking for this weird lookin' fella for a number of years.

Many... Many... Years.

I had no idea what it was called. And the search was nearly mind breaking.

"Old Man made of Forest" on the Google gives you every weird Old nature dude thing on the planet.

Except this sneaky fella.

Why?

Because he is not an "Old Man",

He is a "Troll"

and a particular one at that.

Some more back story.

I first saw some of these weird fellas growing up in Vegas in my Grandmother's and my Great Aunt's Houses. I was always fascinated by them. They are completely made of items found in the woods. The body, a small log. Dried cranberries for eyes. Etc...

One day years ago I suddenly remembered the weird looking creature made of the woods from my childhood.

I called my Grandmother and asked her what it was called. She knew exactly what I was talking about but had no dang clue what they were called. She told me their sister, my other great aunt, in Florida had bought them for my Grandmother and their other sister.

So last weekend, at this wonderful antique and oddities store called Good As New that we always find strange treasures at.

I finally saw him.

I told Sheri that, "This fella looks like that forest creature I have been looking for.."

And then did a double take and said,

"I think it is!!!"

I quickly took a pic and sent it to my Mom and called her immediately. She confirmed that yes, indeed, this was the creature I had been looking for!!!

You think I'd won the lottery.

I was so loud and happy in this very quiet store.

So, now he is mine, and I know who he is and where he came from. He was birthed from the woods of Tennessee, handmaid by a family business that has been making them for many years. And...

He is a troll.

And he is now "My" Troll.

Here is a smidgen of info copied and pasted by Yours Truly.

Knud "Ken" Arensbak (1923–1997) was a Danish-born lithographer and artist who, along with his wife Neta (born Agnete), is best known for making fanciful handcrafted figures of trolls in the Great Smoky Mountains of Tennessee, United States. The family still operates 5 Arts Studio, which makes and sells Arensbak trolls to collectors all over the world.

__________________________________

So my dude is a "Arensbak Troll"

And now my life is complete, and I can die a happy, happy man.

😉😉

Link below if you too would like to own magic.

Love, #CaptainPirateFace

[frogsandfries]

I think it's apparent but

I'm having fun with this diamond painting.

I wasn't having any fun earlier today; I was actually having a migraine. So I tried to lay down after dropping off rent, but I couldn't. I was up for a while this morning, then the pain was too much for how little sleep I'd gotten. I didn't get to go out for coffee till like, one, almost two. Didn't get there till almost three. I had something like over an hour of chill-out time before I wanted to get back home because of sunset.

When I got back home, I worked on the Darger Project for a while because I'm pretty sure diamond painting is what fucked up my neck and my back, which is definitely what caused my migraine. I decided to fuck around with the HEX codes for the color of my pen while I worked. I find that motivating because I'm a silly child.

Did a couple squares of the diamond painting.

As I fill more and more of the canvas, I can see what's kind of going on with this new style of drill. They're incredibly faceted, which means that they shimmer, compared to some of my other canvases. I hate to say, this new style of drill causes my other canvases to pale in comparison.

I also actually, like almost desperately want to get my hands on some colored pencils, but my next check, my free cash is going towards Christmas presents. Like. I am indescribably desperate to get some colored pencils--first, so I can make the carousel, which I'm absolutely dying to do; but second, because I bought this big ole 12×12 sketchbook. I want to make some art.

Also, my stupid package was supposed to be delivered today.

It was not.

A p p a r e n t l y it'll be delivered tomorrow but........ I dunno, I was also very cynical when I was out for coffee today; I grabbed a cookie, and it was like, rock solid. I asked for a replacement, and the gal at the counter kind of gave me an "I'll get it when I get it". I was thinking to myself, oh, okay, I'm not going to get a replacement. However, I did. I mentally bet that it would also be rock hard. It was not.

In this case, I have a little bit of a reason to be cynical though. The last pin I ordered, the first thing I ordered when I moved here, never arrived. However, I should be a little forgiving. I got my fabrics, and a few other items.

[bakurapika]

yes! on and off since high school (i'm almost 30 now w one foot in the grave). Not regularly enough for me to be able to give you a complete unbiased overview of seller's fees or anything, and since I don't sell digital art, I can't answer the question about resolution.

I do know that art sellers often sell just the digital art and not the physical print, although as a consumer, I appreciate when the artist includes a step-by-step guide on ordering from a local print shop... because otherwise I have no idea how to turn a digital image into something on my wall lol.

I would also suggest getting one of the prints yourself and photographing it. Those digital mock-ups are nice but don't always give a correct sense of scale or an idea of what the item looks like irl. What I'm selling currently, I have the nice professional photos from the digital mockups... but I also have photos I took of myself wearing the item from different angles, and the preview image is a "real" photo. Imo that offers some confidence in the actual product being good rather than just looking good online. But again, that might not apply as much for digital art.

A lot of people knock Etsy as a platform due to fees (not up front but as a total % of sales), but I think the big upside is the visibility you get from search results. You could make a sale from a total stranger within a couple hours of listing with no advertising with confidence in terms of digital payment. It's pretty user-friendly and all that. With as big a site it is, I'm sure there must be horror stories about bad-faith actors buying things and then getting refunds etc but I haven't had any negative experiences like that.

Try to be responsive and ship things out quickly. In general it's worth it imo to buy shipping through Etsy directly unless there's a reason you can't. As a teenager, I stopped selling for a while because sometimes, the Mental Illness would happen, I wouldn't ship out for WEEKS for no good reason, and I would just refund someone AND ship out their item and then feel terrible about it for ages. So... don't do that. I probably have a longer list of don't-dos from when I was a teenager tbh.

The one thing I'm selling now is through Printify, which handles everything for me including shipping. It works along with Etsy directly. No labor on my part once I made the product and set up the listing. But, I make about $10 at the end of the day for a sale that's almost $24 after shipping, so there's a pretty big trade off. In comparison, in the past when I've done the design-myself-and-manufacture-by-someone-else thing, I've bought in bulk ahead of time and shipped out myself. If I did that now, I would guesstimate I'd make like $5 more per item. But that involves not just labor but financial risk, which is why I no longer sell that particular item lol.

If you're shipping out a physical item yourself, little personal touches are nice, especially if you're trying to build the business. That might just mean a handwritten note thanking someone for the order.

Finally, this isn't advice so much as something to be aware of. Lately Etsy has really been pushing sellers to use coupon codes for 1) when someone puts an item in their basket and doesn't buy it, 2) when someone favorites an item, or 3) when someone buys one thing from a shop. In all these cases, sellers can send coupon codes to shoppers.

These are so common now though that when I shop on Etsy, unless I really need an item right away or it's limited stock, I would rather favorite the item or put it in my shopping cart, then wait 24 hours to see if a coupon code gets automatically generated for me. So I'm pretty cynical about that sales tactic, but I'm guessing that if Etsy is pushing it so hard on sellers, it probably works to increase sales/revenue. shrug emoji.

question: do any of you sell on etsy? what would a complete beginner need to know?

[space-hair]

nothing makes you want to 180 out of ever selling your handmade items than your own mother insulting you passively over it my dudes. Actually that’s not true I never wanted to sell my shit but this just confirms to me that I cannot even enjoy my own hobbies without feeling like shit over it LOL. Tag got long but I don’t want to re-write it so screenshot and I’ll just throw thoughts out into the void cause that will help me feel better.

Anyways I feel like this has some depth that by me telling myself is not enough, but posting it feels like ‘complete’ haha. 

The never-ending sucking spiral of capitalisms ability to make you monetize everything in your life drains me more and more each day. I loooooove making dolls I don’t mind if they’re sold technically but not to even get money just cause they take up space LOL... but it’s easy to say ‘sell’ and not so easy to set up an etsy, take pics of everything, make listings for everything, add description for everything, research comparable prices for everything, figure out shipping and shipping prices, boxes, packaging, returns, unhappy customers? questions people may have, interacting with people with severe social anxiety in it of itself is scary, setting up a day every week that i have to go to the post office to sell, figuring out if i make enough that i have to do shit like taxes or whatever, ETC ETC ETC. that is not so easy as ‘just selling’ my shit. We aren’t even going to get into the normalization of not paying artists what they deserve and how even if I priced my items at minimum wage level I know that would still be tough for me to sell at that ‘high’ of a price etc. if it was so easy as to just sell, sure. but really, making stuffies and dolls and items is my hobby, selling my stuffies and dolls and items is not. I just want to make stuff. I don’t want this pressure of ‘you should totally sell that!’ I don’t want to make things thinking ‘I can’t keep that mistake in, I have to undo this, make sure to double knot this’ because I want to sell good items, I just want to have fun and if I make something ugly that’s not going to be some big deal. I don’t want to scroll down tumblr and see that shitty thrifting blog making fun of another ‘ugly’ handmade item again, knowing that my craft items will end up in the thrift store too. I want to make a doll because I want to make a doll, not because I need to put something up on the store to sell. I also don’t want to put all my shit up on the store and see it not selling at all.  Mommy says 'just put up what you have as you have it, if it sells it sells if it doesn't it doesn't' but can't understand that of course it hurts the heart to know something you made is not something people are interested in. And I have a weird thing where I really view items as 'people' in a way, and it hurts to think that this item is unwanted and would feel like damn, why I suck!! And if this type of item doesn't sell, if it's an item I really like making, suddenly now my hobby of making these items I like, I will have to take time away from that to maybe make more of the other item that does do better for sales? y'know... y'know....

Crocheting, knitting, making dolls and stuffies and items... that's my hobby that I enjoy, but I can never talk about it in it of itself. Whenever someone talks to me about it, family or stranger or whoever, the only topic is 'do you sell? you should sell!' as if I can't just do this to enjoy it. No one ever asks me how I got into making dolls? What's my favourite yarn? Have you ever thought about making this item??? It's always only about selling it. I want to have conversations about how I found this really cute pattern but it has so many mistakes in the pattern how annoying, or what this person thinks about this yarn being made into this pattern, this colour or that colour, etc... I never get that. I only get 'do you sell?' 'haha, no, maybe one day!' 'you should totally sell!' haha yea.... totally... :”)

Then mommy comes in and will always tell me how expensive this webkinz is to buy, or how I have so many stuffies or items in my room ... I mean really, don't tell your daughter 'you should sell your handmade stuff' and then turn around and be mean and rude about that exact thing. Seriously, if you think I'm ridiculous spending 30 dollars on a stuffie, how can you expect I'd be excited to sell my handmade dolls for 50? Some of my dolls are the same size as these stuffies I buy. Also how insulting is it, to me, for her to say I have so many stuffies just sitting there doing nothing .... and yet she has a shit ton of my stuffies that I made for her sitting above her desk and in a basket in her room.... sitting there, doing nothing. What, you're telling me the only reason you keep my dolls is out of obligation? That you think it clutters your room to have them just sitting there? Or is it that you enjoy seeing them there, which then makes you a hypocrite getting upset at me having stuffies in my room that just sit there. Like seriously, do you not think before you say such a thing to me when you have 100's of hours of work that I did just sitting there right in front of you as you insult me for buying such an 'expensive' doll and such a 'stuffed' room? If I was hesitant before to sell my stuff, this just assures me that I really never want to. I see many doll collectors, people who will buy little stuffies like mine from Etsy, you wanna know what their room looks like???? Like MINE!!! and what do they pay for the dolls???? more than fuckin' 30 bro!!! It's almost like , wow I don't want to sell knowing mommy thinks poorly not just of me for having a room like this and spending money on things like this, but she would think poorly of my customers surely as well huh! 

I'm not totally irresponsible with money or my room. Yea my room is a bit 'cramped' sure but it's not dirty, it's not a hazard, it's not dangerous, it's organized and I am not overflowing with stuff or anything. When my room gets to the point that I couldn't buy one single more stuffie it's not like I'm an addict and can't stop. I have built over 10 grand in savings so far, it's not like I'm so financially irresponsible that I would pay for a stuffie when I cannot afford rent or whatever. Of course as well if there was ever a time that I couldn't afford a doll or whatever, I would never buy one over more important purchases. I pay rent, I rent this room, I can do with this room as I please. If mommy wanted to be able to dictate what I can and can't do with my space that I pay for, she should be paying full rent and changing the dynamic of how we live here. Oh well. It's not that big of a deal, it's just like y'know, I do pay for this space it's not like I live in her house for free y'know?

  Weird rant on the tumblies for today but yea. I just... I wish that I could just be happy LOL. To do my hobby and spend money on my hobby without being guilted and made to feel bad about it. One day when I'm selling my shit, no one tell my customers about this post that'd be embarrassing. 

[dausy]

This is my weekend post I was too lazy to post about until today. Ill start it with a quick drawing I did in procreate. I can't draw while out of the house. Its just not my safespace but heres a drawing just to keep my blog somewhat art themed.

So I lived in Savannah all during my entirety of my social media hiatus. Quit doing art at that time. Now I kinda regret it. But since I've been away for 3ish years..omg I'm so jealous everything has grown sooo muuuch. So I get adverts all the time for the brand Vuori and last year maybe? we drove to Montgomery Al to explore since we live vaguely close and I had no idea that Vuori sold in real life locations and there they were at this one shop in Montgomery! I thought that was just some sort of internet brand (very expensive too btw) but I love the few items I got from there and I had been thinking about buying some of the same items but in different colors. Since I knew I was going to visit Savannah I had small hopes that maybe it was a bougie enough town to maybe have a boutique that also sold Vuori...sounded like that was too specific too happen. Thought maybe I'd drag by husband around river street while he complained I was taking too long looking for a specific brand that I'd never find..I also kinda wanted to try the OnCloud brand shoes too..I thought Onclouds would be more readily available for shopping purposes..anywho, we go to see a movie and afterwards since we were in the area my hubby was like "oh I wanna show you this store at the tanger outlets I saw the last time I was here" and lobehold!!! it was a store that sold both Vuori and Onclouds..in one store..I just about died..I don't want to tell you how much money I spent on 2 pairs of shorts, pants and a pair of shoes. Then we ran over to hottopic so I can buy another lougefly I dont need.

movie we saw btw was the Buzz Lightyear movie and I absolutely loved it. It was a great movie.

Then the next day we went and had brunch at the cutest little french inspired place called The Emporium. I'd never been before but I loved it.

Then we went to the art stores. Also hit up a super kroger which I miss tremendously and wish I had one nearby. I bought so much junk food to bring back with me. I am a bloated sugar bomb right now.

I did go check out the Sailor Moon Vans but didn't actually buy any.

Then we visited St Augustine Florida. We've gone on many trips where we were like "oh we should have brought the dog" and this time I was adamant we brought the dog. This was probably the time I really shouldn't have brought the dog. I was asking for parking tips on facebook because I get anxious about trying to find parking in new places and the local facebook let me have it about being a bad pet owner and taking my dog to walk on the beach when its hot outside. I ignored the haters because my dog has booties and a backpack! but it did shake me up 8( ngl. I did feel horrible for her. It was really hot outside but it wasn't the heat that got to her it was the fact that we went to the pirate museum and they had pretend canon fire and just within the past 2 years my dogs decided loud noises were going to scare her. The fake canon fire absolutely freaked her out. She didn't do anything, she just looked petrified the rest of the day. So we cut our day short. We did get to go on a tour which she looked like she had fun and we walked around the fort. But as soon as we did that one museum, any noise had her shaking and glued unable to move. Wasn't anticipating that. So anyway..it was overall a fairly good weekend.

[xelles-archive]

gushing time babey (may or may not have been inspired by @nougatships)

ok but like. why does nobody talk about jose. like- legit, i don't see anyone talking about how good he looks! all they say is that he's underrated, his item is useless, blah blah. i don't care if he's underrated, you're literally talking to his spouse! talk to me, tell me how he could easily swoon people of all genders and still have a smug smirk on his face even if tons of people are staring at him! he's too overconfident of his status and looks, yes, but do i even get the chance to complain? well, even if i did, i still wouldn't. he is such a handsome man and his loving gaze is just- aaaaaaa. >////>

i don't remember the exact date when he was announced, but it was around early july/late june. when i got the notification of a new survivor, i was intrigued, but that was mostly because i was still interested in idv. and ohhhh boy, little did i know that i would see the love of my life! yes, i fell in love with jose at first sight! his hair- his outfit- his eyes- everything about him seemed so perfect to me. he had all my tastes in one go and i couldn't help but scream to my clanmates about how good the new survivor looks.

just a few days passed and he already has fanart?! wtf?! they didn't even announce his official personality traits or backstory at all! ok, look, when i tell you idv artists are fast, they ARE fast. the first fanart i saved of him was on july 10th, which is our anniversary. the fanart was sent to me by a friend (they must have taken note of my gushing lmao) and i just went !!!!!! aaaaaaa?!?!??!!!?? 😳😳😳

then he was finally released! yay! too bad i didn't have enough clues (game currency) to buy him. soooooo i sacrificed my time to get more clues. i bought him after a few weeks or so. he was officially in my survivor list at august 1st. it was one of the happiest moments of my life. i was probably stimming so much at that time.

GOSH, don't even get me started on his skins. he only has two skins that looks visually stunning (i got one of them a few days ago!) but aaaaaaa, he slays his other skins too. he could wear a torn blanket and i'd still be in love like a helpless puppy.

everyone in my clan knew how big of a simp i am for jose. they always ping me when they find content of him (which is rare because, yeah, he's kinda underrated) and i'm actually thankful for that! i go batshit crazy with emojis, because duh, who wouldn't be impressed by someone who is literally the meaning of charming?! ok, maybe that's just me. but at some point, you gotta relate to that too!

jose was always the one i apologized to — even if i haven't even done anything entirely wrong. i was just.. too harsh on myself. when i catch myself doing that, i always turn to jose, cry, and apologize to him. at that time i didn't know what self shipping or f/o is, but i'm glad i do now. i still apologize to him, but this time, he's actually there to respond to me. he tells me it's okay to make mistakes, whether they be big or small, and he still loves me no matter what. he sees my flaws as perfection and the definition of who i really am. aaaa what the hell honestly! how can he accept someone as shitty as me?! i'm so grateful for his presence and existence, i won't ever stop loving him.

curse my alexithymia. >:( i can't find the right words to express my love to him. i'm much more better with actions. u-u and sometimes i can't even tell what he's feeling or thinking because he always has a bitch resting face. how rude. do you want me to kiss you so i could get rid of that look or what??

intimacy. something jose always likes does to do with me. i get so flustered whenever i feel his hands caressing my body, aksbjdjfbfjd oh my gosh. i don't even want to think about it- AAAAAA.

i've actually never been attracted to those who have facial hair. jose apparently changed that?! his stache looks so nice and neat, oh cheese loowees. it sometimes tickles my face whenever we kiss. A-AH WHAT THE HELL WHY DID I EVEN MENTION THAT HHHHHHH. ō///n///ō

why 😭 does 😭 jose 😭 not 😭 have 😭 much 😭 official 😭 art 😭 i need more!!!!! i mean, his fanarts are probably better because he looks so hot in it- but i want something from the creators themselves!! i wanna know if they actually care about him like i do!

kwjsidjfhfjdjf i could endlessly ramble about him but i don't want to keep you here for too long. i just love him so much, to the point that i would sacrifice every atom for him. y'know, metaphorically. aldhjffjdbhdb. he has helped me a lot through drastic times and i love him for that. he's usually sarcastic, but he tones down his humor in serious situations. he's very straightforward too! it helps a lot because i get to know his opinions on things. yay i don't get struggle understanding him now. but aaaaa everything about him is so perfect?? i couldn't ask for anyone better. he makes me so happy and i love him so much!

[ask-obt]

// wow, that was surprisingly easy!

// well not actually lol

so it turns out my 3DS had some bad luck and decided it didn't want to be modded directly- instead I would either have to reformat it (not happening, I have a lot of downloaded titles I don't want to lose saves for), or backup my saves on a flashcart and then reformat it. so I bought a flashcart with ok reviews on amazon, waited patiently for it to arrive, and it worked...! kind of. well, it was already pre-loaded with modding software that I don't think was what I was looking for- but I also wasn't sure whether or not to try getting it a new SD card for it or if that may potentially brick the dang thing (I have bad luck with bricking things lol). in the end I just decided to use the flashcart as-is and just play it directly on my DSi and just give up on the 3DS modding for now. yeehaw!

I fiddled around in sky temple for a little bit (read: 8 hours) to add little tweaks to the game. mostly adding fairy-type in (using one of the premade ASM patches, I tried learning the coding language for 3 seconds and wanted to explode), and then adding fairy moves and learnsets in by hand using the stats from the mod Explorers of Skies- which seems like a super fun hack! I'd just boot that on the flashcart directly, but I wanted to keep mods for OBT minimal... with one other change, to make milotic's body size 1. because I want eilwyn to hang out with more pokemon pre-postgame than just rune and [partner] :(

working on this though did make me want to attempt one of my own hacks someday! i'd love to implement stuff like: - nuzlocke setting (not sure if there could be a recruitment limit of 1 per dungeon, but I could possibly see there being a way to delete a recruit automatically when they faint) - option to switch hero/partner out mid-playthrough - early unlocked luminous spring (maybe post-future arc?) ... but I also don't know a lot about coding! I'd have to be pretty far ahead in OBT's buffer to fixate on a big learning project like that, hehe. wishful thinking in the meantime! there was also a mighty temptation to change the sprites here into custom OBT sprites, but that would've made this into a MUCH bigger project, and I really should focus on drawing pages since I don't have a buffer atm u,w,u (also also I'm a lil freak that wouldn't want to mix the art style of the game with the art style of my art, so it'd take even longer on account of me trying to emulate the canon style, rip)

this does mean I couldn't really find a way to port the game files for OBT's data directly though, so for now I am settling on starting a new file and playing it to the point current OBT is at, of course keeping recruits and items the same- it'll be a big project, but I'm warming up to the idea of streaming a casual run where y'all can watch me collect a million gummis to give shiny new alolan rune stair sensor. being able to play on-the-go with the hardware is already pretty helpful, since I hate playing games at my laptop haha.

finally, here's a clean screenshot! I also gave her the shiny model, which... is hard to tell because that's just how shiny alolan vulpix is

is rune an alolan culprit ingame?

// she is! or at least, my best approximation of one. see OBT is played on a physical cartridge, with modifications made using ye olde action replay (which boy oh boy I sure hope that never explodes, they're hard to come by nowadays). I use a combination of cheats that can change rune's type, moves, and even abilities to get my closest approximation to alolan vulpix based on a combination of what was available at the time and what would be closest to kantonian vulpix in build (since a lot of pokemon get better movepools in later gens). she very very briefly had snow warning (but no snow veil since it isn't in the game's data), but I quickly found it made the game borderline unplayable since every 3 turns or so, EVERY pokemon currently in the dungeon had to take damage. which takes forever. so she instead has no ability at all. however, the game does have flags to reset pokemon types and abilities, so I always need to reactivate the codes every time I enter a new dungeon... it's a lot of work haha

of course I set all this up before the super cool Sky Temple ROM editor was released! the very talented community has options to include alolan vulpix and fairy-typing in the game, along with many other fun mods. I have considered porting OBT's data from the physical copy into a modded ROM, but I haven't gotten very far haha. the other option is to start with a new file on a ROM and play up to where OBT's gameplay is with items, recruits, levels, etc... which is probably way more work, hehe. though typing this all out, maybe a casual "mimic" playthrough would be good streaming material? that said if you're in the modding scene and would like to baby someone through save porting and/or editing, feel free to hit up my DMs!

[dyker-farmer]

Ok this was supposed to be a quick draw and a description to go with, that blew into a full chapter and now it's also on Ao3 SO happy reading ig idk

I never see Shane works that don't go all in for romance nor explore the more realistic ugly parts of recovery, and I kind of crave That TM. So let me have at it too with the self-insert whump mumbo jumbo; no romo version.

Set post-8 hearts event, Farmer Uidelsib is two years or so in, full house built and married to Emily. They/them pronouns, same as me.

Diverges from then on, Shane-centric from an outside POV for the most part.

[[MORE]]

Take that can away if you can.

Gulp it down. Chapter 1/2/3/4

There's a few to-know to survive life in society, in the valley; there's no good way to comment on the age nor weight of both resident housewives, you can't say no to Evelyn's homemade cookies- and why would you, you fool-, you do not fight at the Saloon or you'll get no cheese anymore on your pizza and only sparkling water for drinks, and-

And you don't mess with Shane's alcohol related ritual.

Except I did, that night, because you do that, when your two-years long friendship with the guy taught you better than letting his impulses overcome yours, when your buddy is trying to recover from teenage long-lasting into early adulthood, trauma-enhanced heavy addiction, and you know, you know tomorrow he'll feel like absolute shit and question his right to therapy the moment he'll stop his pounding skull from splitting. Wonders what a three-dosage paracetamol can do. 

At least he doesn't drink it out anymore.

So yeah, when you're in my shoes, you get that Joja store-bought crap out of Shane's hand, and you brace yourself for the incoming lash out.

The first fractions of seconds are always those to look closely into most. It's only a glimpse, but before the scowl slips on like a well-worn boxing glove ready to strike, there is always this open page I learned I needed to decipher as quick as I could.

Tonight, it's heartbreaking. When I peck his forehead- doting big sibling habits die hard, even when you're actually the youngest of the pair- the eyes I catch looking at me are so confused and bare of any emotion, except for the sorrow that goes beer-soaked tears, it pangs. I get used to the breakdowns, working in the fields I do when I'm off the farm's, but it's not the same when it's a friend.

When I straighten back, offensive beverage in hand, it's already gone in a flinch, away from the empty space behind the chair and onto the table, as he snarls.

"Wha- giv'me back- 's mine!" I don't know how much he drunk before he met up with me, but from the slurring, it's a Lot. A season and a half into sobriety. That's harsh.

I ignore him and walk behind him, pondering where to put the beer for now.

"Y-you can't just do that! It's my booze I got with m'money, not some- who d'you think you are?-" He sputters indignantly, angry tears fewer than the sad ones but still there. He tries to turn around and grab behind his back, but the wild movement is way off and only gets the chair to nearly topples down. I rush in time to stabilize it, and profit off the moment to set a strong hand on his shoulder.

"I can just do that, 'cus it's my house I got with my money, and I think I'm your pal who knows when you've had enough. Dude, I trust you to be an adult, but minutes before, you were already so torched I had to keep your neck upright so you didn't faceplant into the table, and you nearly just kissed my floor good evening. Not to mention you clung to my arms the whole way from the little entry stairs to the kitchen because, quoting, 'If I don't I'll fall in the hole and won't get up'."

I turn to the fridge again, going to open it, before I think better of it. Likely enough, we'll both forget it was there in the first place, it'll stink up my fridge- it's Joja's- and it'll be money out of Shane's pocket for nothing. I set it on the counter, with the rest of the pack. He'll put it to cool down when he's back to Marnie's. Or he won't, probably. 

That's not a worry for now.

When I caught up with him, it was a few feet below my doorstep; he'd probably slipped up trying to climb the three steps up to it, and settled for it. He was nursing that same can, muttering to himself, head down, curled up on himself. Except for that leg sticked out, he probably hurt it when he fell, I'll have to look at that and work on it if it's too swollen. Hopefully that'll spare us from a visit to Harvey's.

Bad memories. Not mine, and it's warm and not raining outside, but. Déjà-vu.

Anyways, he looked the picture of "help I've fallen and I can't get up- and even if I can I won't because Fuck You", and it's been a hassle to have him cooperate. But when I asked if he wanted to leave, he shook his head with a fervor no somnolent drunk should have. That resulted in a lovely streak of vomit down the wall right next to the door. That's also for later. If Eryza doesn't lap it up. Ew. This cat's never predictable.

Now, he's staring at his hands, sitting at my table, contemplating something too far down for me to see- or maybe just zoning out with a sleeping brain. Then he mumbles. "Sorry."

I get back to the table and sit at arm's length across of him. "Nah, 's okay. I don't mind being a helping hand or touchy-feely, must be the frog-eater in me. Not for the helping part." I'd chuckle but my quip falls on deaf ears.

I go to put my hand over his. When he doesn't blink at it, I try and shake a reply out of him, gently. He startles and hawkeyes our joined fingers. When he's finally looking at me, I raise a single eyebrow. He doesn't say anything, but when he pulls back his arm, I let him. We both straighten up, and it's hard to keep up the eye contact.

"So…" There's a heavy air on us. Suddenly, like the last year didn't happen, we're sitting a stride away of each other, and yet it feels like he's all the way back to the forest, looking down at waves.

"Do you want me to do something?" I bend myself a little closer to him, not moving otherwise.

He puts his head in his hands, shivering. Can't tell if it's the AC or his system kicking the alcohol out, or itself, in stress. I think I hear something, but it might as just be his shuddering breath.

"Shane" I insist, voice level, not pressing. "I need words. I want to help, I truly don't mind, but I need words to know what to do." He's never shown signs of going nonverbal before. If he does, I'll improvise. Until then… I need words.

Time ticks slowly as we wait. Then, with great effort and deep fatigue, he drags his palms up from under his nose to his temple, spreading some snot and wet tears across his face from his scrunched shut eyes. Lips trembling but finally showing, that attempt to let out a sound that's not too garbled. He coughs, sniffles a bit, breathe in again, sounding like a sick dog, and blows through gritted teeth before his jaws go slack. Eyes still closed, he whispers, and I have to lower myself some more toward his crouched form to catch it.

"Can I get something to drink…?" His voice is hoarse.

The demand could be comical, if we were into sour humor. And we usually are. But right now, we're not finding the joke in the lines. I stand silently, and as I walk to the fridge again, I let my hand brush his shoulder- same spot as before.

I take a minute to choose, look into the pantry. When I'm back at the table with my items of choice, he's still sitting there, his cheek is cushioned on his arms, face hidden from view. His shoulder, except for the occasional tremor, rise and fall in rythm with his snores. Breaks my heart to interrupt that, but not really. Hangovers are mean bitches with the sharpest nail art on the blackest of boards.

"Psst, dude. C'mon." I rustle his hair backward. He hates when I do that, says it tickles, and it makes him sneeze. So I obligatory do it once a day if I can. Let's say today's my late quota for the last four days I haven't seen him.

He gruffly tells me to kindly refrain from such pleasantries, and raise bleary eyes back up at the table. I can also guess he tried to bat a hand at me, but his coordination is off and he slaps himself lightly on the ear. Then he glares bewildered at his hand for a few seconds, obviously insulted. I profit of this moment to grab a small basin from under the sink, on second thought.

When he brings his attention back to me, I'm sitting again. Between us, a jug of fresh milk from this morning, a small sack of peppers, and a juice carafe sit aside a green glass bottle. There's also some bread, mostly for me to munch on. Because, hmmm dough. He squints at it all, especially at the bottle. Probably trying to read the label.

"Yeah no, didn't get you one of my best wine, not sorry."

"Hot pepper… juice?" He looks at the actual peppers next to it. "With actual peppers?" And then I get the squint too.

"Hmph, I know you like your elongated hell tomatoes, man, what can i say."

At that, a feeble snort.

I decide that it is the highlight victory of my soirée.

"Welp, have at it." I gesture to the half-liter liquor glass right by his left.

He fumbles with the drinks and some splashes around, but I lay back on my chair, arms crossed, letting him do his thing. While I don't hold back from growing downright doting on him when I got to- or even when I don't- I don't see how more devotion right now would be not smothering. He can break my fancy glass cups if he wants and spill my milk, so long he doesn't cut himself or cry over it.

Now, you could be thinking that plain water would have done the trick just fine, if not better, in rehydrating him. Here's the thing, though; going from booze to tasteless liquid, for Shane, that's a sure way to puking his heart out. And I'd rather not have us deal with an acid bile throat burn on top of near alcohol poisoning. Sorry to not spare you the squeamish details, but his oesophagus is pretty sensitive ever since that stomach pumping back at the clinic. Hot fiery hell fruits he can do just fine, with relative moderation and hydratation- hence the milk and juice- but liquor bursting its way back from his guts? Nuh uh. 

It had taken lots of coaxing, but he'd explained the plain tastes, or lackthereof, were very hard for him to deal with, especially when contrasting with strong ones like beers and whiskeys. I'd shackle it to gustative hypostimulation, but I don't know enough about him that way to say. He'd said sparkling water was a good compromise.

But I don't have sparkling water, because I do not like suffering.

I might buy a pack for when he visits though.

And I do know a handful about him already. Shackle that to perceptiveness and a stubborn streak on top of a year and so long camaraderie.

And having a certain uncontrollable fear of failing to act quick the next time coped with by accumulating information and patterns compulsively.

I shake my head to focus on the present again. He's switched from juices to soaking bread in milk to eat it small portion after small portion. He pauses in mid-bite when he catches me staring. He's still hunched on himself and red-faced and a tad bloated. His cheeks are drying and he's blown his nose. I smile calmly. Worst of the storm passed, unless I screw up and blow it.

"Ywou wan' chom'?" He offers a dripping piece of bread. In moments like this, when he's sobering but not quite, the resemblance with Jas are unmistakable. The glint in his reddened eyes that open wide, and his blank-but-not-quite wondering expression, it's all here to paint a scrutinizing but vulnerable picture of tired but bright minds.

"Nah thanks. You done with that milk?"

"...Sure." He eyes it, wary. He knows where this is going, and he doesn't like it. I take the drink off the table, and his gaze follows my movement until I bring it to my lips.

He frowns. A silent warning. 

And as I lock onto him with a dead stare, not blinking a millisecond, I down the rest of the 2 liters jug in three, five gulps. I even take the time to lick my new mustache away, and close my mouth with a click of my tongue.

His expression is the macabre marriage of beffudled horror and pure affliction, disgust if you will. The face of someone who doesn't hate milk, but has grown out of it enough to not be able to live off the stuff like the brave souls I'm apart of. And probably with reason, as I actually can't, like most 20+ years old, digest the liquid in large amount. But I smile like a smug cat, perfectly content.

Cats really can't digest milk once adults, it's all social mythos.

We silently judge and fuck with each other like that for a while more, as more time passes, until the room's elephant gets it all humid with its prancing around. Enough that tears and nervous sweats start again, for no apparent reasons but the residual anxiety from the whole chain of events that led to this.

"I think we should talk about this."

--- to be continued.

[coucouchatmoi]

So!

Bought some things (Cat Miraculous and Chat Noir Embroided Hoodie) on the ZAG Store last Sunday and just received them. Time for some unboxing.

I have to say, shipping to the EU isn't exactly cheap. There were 4 options you could pick, 3 of which went via USPS and 1 using DHL. Now, the cheapest of these was an USPS service promissing to deliver between 7 and 21 days. I don't know about you guys, but to me that sounds like enough time for a parcel to vanish (going off on Belgian post delivery at least, don't know about USPS services). The DHL one was nearly double the price, but would deliver within 3 days. The USPS services following were more expensive, but would deliver later. So obviously, I went with DHL (also because their lorries appear on our streets every day, so seemed like the safest option).

The package actually did arrive on day 3. I'd tried to change the delivery date on their site to one day later to make sure I was home, but DHL happily said 'fuck that' and went on with the original delivery date. Luckily, I was home so there was no need to go fetch the parcel somewhere else.

The box everything came in is actually pretty sweet. Just look at the art on it. How cool is that?

(Kwamis, Queen Bee,Chat Noir, Ladybug, Carapace and Rena Rouge among other ZAG heroes like Pixie Girl)

1) Chat Noir 'Glow in the dark' ring

So first item: the cat miraculous. I don't know why it surprised me, but the ring actually came in a miraculous box.

I remember having the hardest time deciding on a ring size. Searched quite a few of sites to see how to determine the size for yourself. Unfortunately, even after all that, I think I still bought like 3 sizes too big or something (no idea). If you think of getting the ring and you don't know your US ring size, I guess it's better to go have it measured it by a professional or at least someone who knows what they are doing. 

The ring looks pretty good, but ho boy is it heavy. (The one I got is 29g / 1.023 oz). Since I won’t be wearing it, I checked how it would look stalled out. Not too bad to be honest!

(Yah I know, not the neatest display. :p)

2) Chat Noir Embroided Hoodie

This Hoodie is nearly identical to the Clawsout Cat Hoodie in design, just doesn't have 'claws out' on the kangaroo pocket. It’s also more expensive than the Clawsout one, even on sale. I’m not entirely sure where all the effective differences lie (it’s hard to see on the pictures), but I’m guessing this one is thicker than the one in French terry fabric. 

I usually get a size M for these types of things, but sensibility pushed me to get L this time. I'm glad I did, because the L fits just right. Chances are this Hoodie too follows Asian Adult Sizes, just as the Clawsout one (but I’m not entirely sure). So I'd keep that in mind when getting this.

There were minimal loose threads on the piece, so I'm happy. Think there was one on the embroidery and a couple on the thumbholes of the sleeves, but that's about it. The green is so bright you expect it to light up in the dark (edit: no idea if it's just an illusion, but sometimes it does seem to light up in the dark. Though can't see anything in a room that's completely dark, so pawsibly not). This makes me a little worried about washing, though. I doubt the colours will stay as vibrant. All in all, the hoodie looks good and sits well. Also warm as fuck. Definitely going to wear this all winter. 

Conclusion: I'm happy with this impulse buy. Was pretty pricey of course, but luckily customs was already included into the shipping costs (otherwise this would’ve definitely costed nearly double of what I threw at it right now). 

[cuntwrap--supreme]

Well, I may have gotten too fucked up last night. I don't drink, ever, but I'm hurting so much I thought, "Hey, I haven't had anything to drink in like 5 months, and then it was just a shot with the boys, I'll go get a 6 pack of some shit cider because I'm a pussy and can't handle liquor." And I did. And I only got through 4 of 6 before I was too fucked up to stand. Because, again, I'm a pussy and I don't ever drink. And I slept for like 6 hours and still feel drunk.

And I know. I know. Drinking to deal with issues is not good. It isn't healthy. BUT. It kept me from going to where he works at 2am and crying to him, asking why he would just ghost me like this. Guy's been my best friend for years, and now he won't even respond to me. I'm going to use whatever coping mechanism I damn well please to get through this.

I believe this is Day 4 of not hearing back from him. The dudes I work with think I should give him a few days of space then try again, if I feel like potentially tearing open the wound again. They seem to think that he's ghosting out of nervousness. Which, like, is not something a 34 year old grown ass man should do, but go off? But they've been men their whole lives, so I'll take their advice. I'm only Man Adjacent ™️ and sometimes don't fully grasp the ways in which mens think.

But guy had said he's had a thing for me for two years-ish. He'd said that even thinking about me while he's at work is dangerous. Like, I sent him a photo of me flexing my arm in the gym mirror because he asked why I was going to the gym so much, and his response was something about trying to hide a boner. He kept saying how excited he was to take me out on a date, but didn't know if I was serious about it or not. But then he would also ask that I not come by to see him after work, and constantly say he couldn't hang out, even just to talk for a few minutes, so I don't know. I genuinely do not know. And it's weird, because this man is essentially me, if I was a cishet bald guy. I've never not been able to tell what was going on in his head. And the only conclusion my brain can come up with is this was all a joke to him? Because everything he does is done in joke format so there's plausible deniability in whether he was serious or not. Know how I know that? Because I do the same fucking thing. Same exact. So I'm thinking maybe this was a way for him to feel out the situation before he pulled back and could just say it's all a joke.

Whatever the case, I'm fucking hurting. I've spent the past few days working long ass shifts and glad for it because it brings me a good distraction from my thoughts, even though the second I had any downtime I was back to forcing myself not to cry.

Like, I've been on this little sideblog talking about this man for years. I've never felt about anyone how I do about him, not even when I was a kid and had that "first love" feeling. I'd genuinely do anything for him, and I thought he'd do anything for me, too. But I never expected the ghosting. Like, I've written enough songs about him to fill an entire album, if I was ever not-sad enough to finish them. He's inspired art I've made, stories I've written, places I've gone and things I've done. For the years he's been in my life he's always been someone I could look to for help, and who I used as an inspiration for me to do better. I took a bullshit management position to try to impress him. I applied to college after college trying to get his attention. I bought so many stupid items just because it was part of an inside joke. And now he's apparently just.... gone.

And I'm left here, trying to pick up a bunch of pieces and put them together like a puzzle bought at Goodwill. I don't have all the pieces, and the ones I do are kinda warped and unusable. I'm more suicidal right now than I have been since I was literally being abused daily in my late childhood/early teens. And what's worse, is I'm manic, so I'm making all kinds of shit decisions. Like getting shitty drunk last night. Or driving to work going 110mph on the interstate in heavy traffic. Or not eating for the past two days. Hell, I might go blow all my money on something stupid that I can't afford, like a sword or a new tattoo. Just so I feel like I have some semblance of control.

And this is entirely too long now. I don't even think I'll read this over again if I ever look back on the stupid shit I've written. I just need to vent, because no one in my life understands this. The closest person I know who does get it can only imagine the pain. He's been with his wife since they were like 13, and they're 21 now, and he's like, "Yeah, if she left I think I'd be pretty fucking suicidal," because they are each other's everything, but she's never just left him so he only has the imaginary pain.

Anyway, this is why I shouldn't hold feelings in for over two years. This is why I should have just said something forever ago. I would have quit to be with him, because he was my boss and it's against company policy for him to have dated me. But I would have quit for him. I would have lived in my car if it meant meaning anything to him.

And now that's all fucked, all because I asked if he was serious about taking me out.

[ilovetosmilepleasemarrymepi-blog]

For information and my safety and their sainity,

I do not own any pictures, art, drawings, or epic pieces of art in this story.

All ponies pony names, names of pony songs, pony songs, or any thing else that could get my ass sued. Also all chacters, locations, phrases, items, names of spells etc... They belongs to Hasbro, Hasbro entertainment, and Hasbro productions.

Witch will inevitably be bought by Disney like everything else. So we can get a pinky Deadpool ship!

FINALY!!!

Hello . My name is...well I guess I.. well how about you can just call me Dayrl for now. You see my story ... It is true, very true well the beginning is any way. Oh though how I wish this was a true story. The true story though has not yet occurred. If I'm to change my life would to change my life and find the one I was destined to meet. I'd have to find the one the cupcacake of my eye that for years or more I might of gone without noticing. I'd have to go through hell to find true love. I'd was going to be sent through life's emotional hell.

But that is later

This... is where my story began...for now...

My pony life started in high school. I don't even rember much of it, and I know I did not know about fan fictions back then. What had happened is that I saw this kid with really cool shirt with on and it something really cool on it with a rainbow maybe ?

Yeah that it defintaly not the design that was on the shirt but it is 20% cooler

So I asked the dude about it his shirt I mean he said it was from a short about ponies now at I was uncertain but I'm really open minded and also I was in high school so i think that was at the time where I was more use to watching cartoons so theres that by the way it may now be important but I really love to brag ... So you know the really famous season four tirek episode where twilight had the power of four Alicorns and when she when to battle tirek the stated exchangeing blows and beams energy waves throwing rocks at each other having a good ol time well I watched as .... It ... Aired ... Which alot of people can say that they did that to but ya know like I said l love to brag

#overlyadzaderatedartparody

So now ya know how I came to the fandom that's well and good and I really don't remember alot after that other than ya know watching the episodes now and then but if knew then what I know now ...... Well I often say don't it's not got look at the past unless your looking to learn

Now apparently ..... Very apparently I seem to have falling away from the fandom at sompoint and I think it it a fairly simple reason that I faced a problem that all us bronies have to and will learn to over come if we want in this fan community

Prejudice

Mockink, taunting teasing

Rejection

Eventually if you can't get over something like that and face your problems your fears and lack of self confidence you become ..... Lost alone ....unhappy you will be unable to move on with life... like...

Now eventually after a while I found the fandom again I don't really want to say ... Hoooo....huuummmm I guess if I'm going to be telling this story I'm going to be honest with you

#apples

#honesty

#elementofhonesty

#applejack

So any way here it I'm not what a normal person would call normal ...or at the very least average I have these psychological disorders there called autism, ADHD, ADD, OCD, and plethora of behavior probelems you see growing not the best behaved i had a lot of social issues and trouble making friends on account of my autism and the fact my dad had passed away when I was two and technicaly speaking im still not the best behaved or social

any way I was in this assisted liveing home becaus my mom need a break from me a person with less .... Metal advantages sometimes just can't handel you all the time and one day i was watching tv in the day room nothing on as per ussaul you know I did have my phone back then too and hardly ever watched TV when I did alot of it was Steven universe and any one else who watches that can tell you that hiatused are a Bitch so basically steven universe was hiatuse and there nothing on and I found my self watchin TMNT alot but ya got know there nothing on there's nothing on but one day there was...

Now one thing you have to understand about me is I absolutely love my music all music any music any at and I'm not that picky

#octaviamelody

#vinylrecordscratch

I don't really have that many thing I won't listen to most of the time I only have one rule and that is that I won't listen to anything where I can't understand the lyrics I feel like what the point in music if you can't apeel to everyone and if one person can not what your saying that's one person you did not reach but the point of the matter is that I like and appreciate a lot of music what I'm realling to say is that the music is a big part of why I loved in Steven universe so much like comet, giant woman, it's over isnt it and I will straight up right now say that show deserves ten Grammy's (not to mention the Annie award, animation award, it deserved deserved deserved for best episode paraphrasing the name of the award Mr. Greg instead of that dumb ass adventure time vr episode) but I'm getting off toppic now I like music and what is my Little pony without alot of music

So I'm pretty sure no I'm beautifuly one hunldred percent sure on who I have to thank for saving me from when I was down in my funk the it was none other than the cuti mark crsaders let me explain it is definitely not the first song iv heard in the series but damn shur if it's not one the best I was watching mlp one day and ya know I thought here go just another friendship song ... Fuckin ass then out of no where I was blown away the kiss makeup , the lights, the crashes, the danger, and rock be e de de e dew

All I have to say right now is I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for you the cmc

#imnotzecora

so from the bottom of my heart for as broken and shattered it gets every day thank you

You help me so much

Now let talk about something really serious do you believe in simplicity that things just simply happen an that they are all coincidences maybe you believe in faith it can come from strangest places in apparently very ummm... If you believe in faith how far does that faith go how long are you willing to let the Signs just pass you by ignore faith some people get second chances but some never even get a first and if you do nothing if it something ....or someone that is a greater power or forces .... why not at least play along Just to see where you end up

Ok im a guy so naturally I do what guys do I watch porn and please just stay with me for one minute here because this is probably the most important part this is where I the divine intervention made it's first move it a very crucial part to this story so please just stay with me who know here what the rule 34 is ... Oh come on...

#sweetibellohcomeon

Shut you all know it is everyone knows the rule is it's states if exist it can be sexy and there porn of it

so me being the very lonely guy that I was never had being been in a relationship and alwase watching porn I knew for a fact that they did not show porn on YouTube so showering pornsites for pony porn and finding none (or not look hard enough not find what I wanted or worse just being internet lazy) went YouTube and they had ..... Somethig

Clop

Right now I challenge you to go to someone who is not a mlp fan and ask them to watch clop then ask a brony the exact question and compare just their face reactions yeah I had no idea what it was I did after though

So I got my fill of clop now at that time I was also a big anime fan this is the second event that seems to line up just perfectly to be some kind weird divine intervention I was watching frieza react to the video where pinkie pie beats up all her friends to the theme of the smile song and I'll give you a thousand Guesses what video was in description

cupcakes

Now yeah it was a weird video but I did even here it was a fanfic till way later the next couple of web searches we're mostly fan made songs untill ...

My first fan fiction by scribbler of course

#scribbler

#scribblerproductions

#subcribetoscribbler

Scribbler i dont know who you are but if could only realize what a monumental difference youve made in my life I have goals now because of you on I've found love and pepol can say they are fictional chacters all fuckin day I ve got more than that I want to and need to

So let's go back where all began

Rocket to insanity my first mlp fan fiction ever butt you know I think I've told you quite a bit now so ill save some for next time

That where really interesting ...