#because i am learning and am involved with stuff in the uni so it really does feel connected and like a community

[clonewarsahsoka]

There is a version of me that gave up uni after first or second year and didn't return to the city and just lives at home and works a min wage job or smth and maybe she's happier maybe she's not but she is definitely less stressed but also she doesn't have the friends that I do

[chipped-chimera]

WIP WEDNESDAY - 21/06/23

(I mean it’s technically Friday now between timezones and spoons but have this otherwise I’ll keep forgetting) My first WIP Wednesday! Thanks @theviridianbunny​ for the tag! I’ve been really getting stuck into modding - as well as falling into my usual mod habit of ‘start like six project at once and end up with a million WIP files' but I guess I’ll talk about the major ones.

Graphic design is my passion ...

(Long) rambling about mods I'm making + things I've learned below the cut~

My V’s tatt project is still ongoing, and I’ve (somewhat begrudgingly) been trying out Substance Painter to work on bits of it, mainly polishing seams between UV maps. It’s definitely got a lot of benefits, especially for graphic placement in really tricky areas (like anywhere in the entire head mesh region for example) but I still think a lot of the heavy work will still be done in Photoshop so I’ll probably be writing up both experiences with them when I do that tutorial I keep hinting at for complex tatt work. I’ve started drafting a tumblr tutorial but I wonder if that’s the best format, maybe a PDF? Google doc? Github wikis look cool? (tho I think I need to pay for that) - if y’all got suggestions for tutorial formats pls let me know!

As for the other arguably overly-ambitious-project-where-I-bit-off-more-than-I-could-chew ...

H A I R.

Hair has been the bane of my existence for about the past week( ... weeks? Maybe two?), most of it involving cursing, a lot of reverse-engineering game meshes and smashing my head against blender. But if not already evident from my monowire post - I am a stubborn bitch with too much time on my hands so even though there were at least two moments where I wanted to curl up on the floor under my desk and just stay there - we got there.

This all started because my favourite hair mod which I cannot split from my V’s identity was acting funky and the shape of it had been altered since a physics update. It wasn’t her anymore. So I needed new hair. I tried editing the existing hair. I tried importing the old hair mesh. I tried so many things and they didn’t work out one way or they threw a million errors or there were an obnoxious amount of verts.

I even tried looking for replacement mod hair. None of them fit, all of them felt too ‘clean’ for my V. So I just concluded: FINE. I’ll make my own damn hair. From scratch. At least then I’ll actually KNOW what’s going on with the mesh, right?

Problem with hair is tutorials are very limited in respect to Cyberpunk, so I had to learn a lot of this by myself and looking at other processes used for building game hair. I’ve had a previous stint in game design at uni but it was very introductory and more broad-strokes concepts not specific stuff like what ‘real time hair’ is and how you actually go about placing hair-cards (there’s a million different ways btw) but after another 3 days smashing my head against blender I finally got shit to work to a satisfactory level using hair tools for blender and the particle hair grooming system (not the 3.5 blender system, maybe more on that at some point).

Putting together the hair cards I was 120% convinced this was going to blow up in my face, primarily through vert count. But this hair tool plugin? Alarmingly efficient. I was frequently checking my work against Alt's hair mesh (one I was planning on rigging to) and here's the final-ish stats -

This is with only Alt's hair mesh selected (no cap) and then only my mesh(s - lots of layering to build it up), and by comparison I felt I'd built up the density of a chinchilla. This is not a brag, this is mostly genuine confusion over how efficient this plugin is, all I did was smack around hair curves. It did all the UV mapping junk on the fly.

Although structurally complete, I still consider this a WIP (yes I know there's a reeeeal fun vert funkiness in that second render, it's been fixed) since I'm having to go back and fine-tune some of the UV's the plugins mapped that I'm not happy with and generally figuring out my density problem because if anything, after putting it in-game it felt too dense.

Because yes, somehow I got it in game.

WITH. PHYSICS.

This may have driven me absolutely up the wall between having to learn blender from scratch then what the heck real time hair is and how that works etc. etc. but ... god, seeing her move back from the mirror and just feeling that instant catharsis of 'IT'S HER!' made it so. Damn. Worth it.

It looks too thick - this might be because I chucked in the 'doubled' feature Wolvenkit comes with because I hadn't spent any time doing backfaces. But it also might be because it's black? That's going to need investigating.

The physics need a lot of work too, I did a pretty rushed weight painting job last night on a merged version of the mesh because I was worried whether it was even viable and I'd already dumped an insane amount of hours into this between trying to salvage the old hair and building a new one (with some more bells and whistles. Mainly - curly). That wasn't without it's issues -

This almost fucking cracked me, given this was one of the issues I was experiencing before trying to fix an existing mesh mod. Turns out I was just being dumb and forgetting to export the armature, which I'd thought I wasn't supposed to do after having blender throw a bunch of errors on other hair attempts. I gave it a try after one last shot and boom. Worked. (I dunno what those errors were about man but now I know armature? very important).

Will I release this hair? no damn clue, depends on if I can get it to a level I feel is 'releasable'. I already know what I'm calling it though - Venatrix her side-handle I've decided on.

I look forward to adapting it into maybe a comb-back version, as well as a tied up version, so I can show off both her undercut + have the option of NOT hiding every damn tatt I've obsessed over placing on her neck haha.

In other news -

My much-needed wacom tablet replacement arrived (as well as other things I was looking forward to 👀) meaning my Wacom Cintiq, workhorse of ten years can finally enjoy her retirement. Her controls were getting funky, she had a few dead pixels but man. I'm convinced they won't make them like her ever again. Either way she's done unfortunately - upgrading my monitor to 2k made this painfully obvious. I don't think it's even running in full HD, it's that old. And with Phantom Liberty coming out this year? I'm probably going to need a new videocard and DVI compatibility isn't really a thing anymore.

So for future I think I'll just stick to the basic tablet set up, invest in screens. Also now I FINALLY know what her hair is gonna look like and with the tablet here, I can get back to work on the tattoo bodysuit.

Anyways, that's it for now! (Jesus Christ did you really read all of this? If you did you're a fucking trooper). Sorry for the extended ramble but MAN I did a lot, I needed to yell.

Till next time Chooms! Thanks again @theviridianbunny for the tag~ <3

Oh shit wait, have the blender renders before I forget because hahah I figured out how to do that too lol -

[crguang]

What the fuck that Kafka fic was so good and all of you are insane for making it, for me kafka is like all abt the yearning, she distances herself from relationships so if someone liked her she’d be very distant and vice versa, she wants to feel the one thing she can’t, and she plays an instrument and music is pretty connected w emotions and like communicating them even though she intelectulizes (? idk how to spell rn) a ton of her emotions I just ugh. Just like Kafka thinking abt r everytime she plays, her being unsatisfied w all other accompaniment, like i needed a warning or smth Also I’m finally writing the uni au like i might make a side blog or smth to post it on here, but I need the escapism rn, it’s been awful this week, like the election, genuinely what the fuck, and I’m stuck in America bc I have uni and ppl are being extra racist to me like it’s suddenly okay? And even though I just finished midterms I actually only have like a month until finals? anw sorry for venting but um am i allowed to yap abt arcane s2 on here, i mean a ton of it is me hating on Caitlyn. -🌠

youre so right about her distancing herself when she realizes she’s getting too involved thats why im obsessed with the idea of her learning that defence mechanism in response to getting hurt when she was younger, paired with her need to be great and not allowing herself too many distractions + the competitive field of classical music and the whole “distant bitchy perfectionist” persona protecting her from that as well… it all connects very well i think thats why i love this AU so bad😭 kafka communicating through music but that doesn’t mean everyone will understand what shes trying to convey, and at the same time it gets her closer to her goals and the life she wants to live so its two birds, one stone. she thinks she needs R to be the best because playing alone has left a void she can’t fill with other accomps when really that void is there because she never mourned life separating them. you know how the more you try to ignore something or restrict yourself from something, the more it obsesses you? that’s her. so successful yet so unfulfilled ugh

i’m so happy you’re writing especially since things are shit right now, having an escape is important so im glad you can forget about stuff at least for a while. i also hope you’re safe and surrounded by good people because a ton of hatred and racism, xenophobia, transphobia and misogyny has reemerged after the election results and it’s so disgusting to see. this is what trump stands for and this is why he couldn’t win, i fr cant believe he did again. i hope he croaks before january. i’m sorry you’re going through it with uni as well, i know how exhausting the month of november is for college students, hoping the rest of the semester goes by fast because i can’t do it anymore either, man.

you can yap about arcane s2 now that i’ve watched the episodes, especially if its cait hate lol this is a safe space i do not like that girl!!!

[creature-from-unknown-orgins]

OKAY HELLO WONDERFUL PERSON THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME DO THIS!!

So, the book I am reading is called Babel by R. F. Kuang. Its like 500 pgs and I'm on pg 100ish, just as a reference point so you know where I'm at. And It means that if you decide to read it, you will not be completely spoiled!

I wanted to read this book at first because I heard about it on the podcast Lingthusiasm and the thing they said about it was that the magic system was based off there being a tension between words in different languages. For instance, the english word sad doesnt directly translate to the french word triste. Yes they mean semantically almost the same thing, but the contexts of use are subtly different, the specific feelings, the atmosphere that comes with the word is not exactly the same. And so two words are inscribed on a bar of silver, both words are spoken, and magic occurs. WHICH IS SUCH AN AMAZING CONCEPT FOR A MAGIC SYSTEM!!!

The plot so far: A young boy's family dies due to cholera (he lives in Canton) and and English scholar finds him and cures him of the cholera he has contracted using the silver bar. This person, Professor Lovell, is actually the boy's father but Lovell never actually tells him himself and probably doesnt know that he knows and Lovell took the boy on as his ward instead of as his child. Yeah. Sooo Lovell takes the boy to England to make him to study languages. And the boy chooses his name - Robin Swift. Aaaannnnddd Lovell isnt the nicest of people (/under exagg) - TW ABUSE: beats him quite horrifically because he was 2 hours late to a tutor session... END OF TW. Did I mention I hate Lovell?

Okay so flash forward like eight years and he's going to Oxford Uni to study languages. He gets there and makes friends with another boy called Ramy (I think that they are going to be in a romantic relationship... or at least that one will have feelings) AND THEY JUST HAVE THE BEST RELATIONSHIP AND I LOVE THEM!

And nowww Robin has met his half-brother (accidentally) who is involved in a criminal organisation which steals the silver bars and distributes them to those who need them more than the rich upper class of England. And so Robin now has 5 days to make a decision whether or not to join the organisation which is a little stressful because TIME PRESSURE AND A LIFE CHANGING DECISION AND HE NEEDS TO TALK TO RAMY ABOUT IT (OR AT LEAST I NEED HIM TO) BUT IM NOT SURE HE WILL BECAUSE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS AND COMMUNICATION ARE NOT THINGS THAT GO WELL TOGETHER!

AND theres SO much stuff and little tidbits about language scattered through which makes me so so so so happy and I love learning about it I love languages and books and academia and fantasy this book is perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I infodumped to one of my english language teachers about it today and I think I might lend it to him when I am done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU JAMIE FOR LETTING ME TELL YOU ALL OF THIS IT WAS SO SO SO FUN I LOVE YOU

My inbox is open for you to infodump at any and every point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /GEN

INFODUMP :DDD (Sorry for the late reply, I was at my grandparents)

I LOVE THOSE LITTLE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WORDS AND THAT IS SUCH A COOL AND ORIGINAL IDEA!! /gen

Lovell is awful, noted

QUEER YES that sounds so cute!!

THAT SOUNDS SO AMAZING!!!! I’M GLAD YOUR TEACHER LIKED IT TOO

I love the little differences between languages like that!! It’s so nice!!!

I really enjoyed your infodump!! You can definitely keep me updated on the book!! (And if you find a word thing like that that you love please tell me! /nf)

[notasapleasure]

a meme!

Thanks for tagging me, @grimm-lynn :)

1. Are you named after anyone?

I think the intention was to name me after my dad's mum (who died when he was very little), but to spell it in a more modern way. Inadvertantly, it's also a portmanteau of my parents' first names.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I was very sick and very tired and very frustrated when the removal guys broke it to me midway through emptying the house that they absolutely couldn't take any of my garden plants over the Irish Sea because of fucking BREXIT. I was also very angry with my husband, who was meant to have checked this. In the end, we managed to palm the plants off on friends and family and we'll try to bring them over later, once we've looked at the paperwork involved.

3. Do you have kids?

No!! I have known for a very long time that I never wanted them and do not have even an iota of maternal interest let along instinct.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

It has its uses.

5. What sports do you play/have you played?

My weekend hobbies as a kid were horse-riding and karate, and I played field hockey at school, did long jump and 200m sprint. But then, y’know. Everyone else got taller and I didn’t really. I dabbled in rowing at uni, because it was kind of expected that you'd try it, but my late-night carousing rather interfered with the early mornings. Also, as mentioned, I am short. Since then I haven't really done anything regularly except about a year where I got into weights. I'd like to get back into picking up heavy things and putting them down again, but I resent the cost of gyms and I need to have a structured class where someone tells me what to do, I don't have the willpower or imagination for solo training.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about other people?

Hm, it's tough to describe (my mum would say 'their energy') but like...whether they're engaging with me, like really with me and curious about what we're talking about, or if there's that feeling that you're on the clock to prove you're interesting or whatever before they get bored.

7. What’s your eye colour?

Blue

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Weird things to compare?? But uh. Happy endings probably? Not in my scary movies though. I like scary movies with bittersweet endings. Though the more I think about this choice the more confused I get.

9. Any special talents?

I'm so bad at answering these things, my mind just goes blank and I'm like 'oh pffff I don't do anything special, there's always going to be someone who's better than I am'. Assigned Jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none. There are lots of things I like to do and I try to do them well. I guess I will say that you probably want me around in a stressful situation - I'm calm and I love coming up with solutions to things.

10. Where were you born?

In a county hospital in a large and rural county of England.

11. What are your hobbies?

Ok, well. Writing, obvs. Fic and poetry now and again. There's an original idea that's been rattling round my head for a few years that I keep saying *this* NaNoWriMo I'll do it! And then don't. Art used to be much higher up the list but I'm so rusty. I haven't painted in years (...has it been over a decade?). Gardening (I miss my garden so much SO MUCH rn). Baking and cooking. I go through phases of manic knitting interspersed with a little crochet, but I want to improve my sewing - I have my granny-in-law's sewing machine I need to learn how to use. If we get this amazing house we’re looking at I’m going to have to get good at DIY, too.

12. Do you have any pets?

Two greyhounds and six (yes. six.) ferrets.

13. How tall are you?

5'1"

14. Favorite subject in school?

Art and English lit.

15. Dream job?

Not to be all 'I don't dream of labour' but I for sure don't dream of working for other people/companies. As you can see from the hobbies section, I like to DO stuff and be busy, but I like to work on my own terms and I like project work. So my freelance editing and proofing stuff suits me fairly well right now, though I dream more of a UBI that would let me do more with my time that wasn't just about earning, but could encompass more volunteering and community stuff. Being on furlough during lockdown suited me so well - I did so much and recovered so much energy that I was much more willing to engage with strangers as well as friends through video chat etc.

Tag fifteen mutuals - FIFTEEN?! huh ok, I’m tagging y’all but no obligation, right? And Idk who’s already been tagged, sorry if you’ve done this already and I didn’t see! @stripedroseandsketchpads @notfromcold @erinaceina @bellaroles @batri-jopa @donnaimmaculata @notabuddhist @kheldara @blxcksqvadron @boogerwookiesugarcookie @elwenyere @thatonelemontreeiforgorabout @jimtheviking @weirdsociology @rapidashmascot

[links-studies]

Hello! I’ve been wanting to get into astrophysics when I start uni. What’s it like studying astrophysics ? I’m curious,,

Hi! I'm so sorry I'm so late to answering this: I only just finished my semester and I was trying to lock in to make sure my grades stayed fine through my senioritis ^^;

To answer your question: Hmmmm I suppose the exact experience depends on whether or not you have a specific specialty of astrophysics you want to go into, and what school you'd like to study at! If you have something specific you're looking for in your studies/you'd like advice on, I'm happy to answer further questions （*＾-＾*） But I could also speak on some general things I've noticed and experienced in my studies that a lot of people don't seem to know before going into the field!

Generally speaking, astrophysics (and physics in general, really!) is a very math-heavy field! I find a lot of people go into physics not expecting the amount of mathematics knowledge that's required. Do not be fooled, you will be doing lots of math! Not just punching numbers- physics gets into some of the grittier parts of higher level mathematics applications. There is a lot of calculus (single variable and multivariable) and linear algebra in particular. Personally, most people I know who are graduating now are either math double majors or were not terribly far from having a math degree with the number of math courses they took. If you enjoy applied math, you'll probably have a great time! If you're not a fan of math, then there could still be other parts of studying astrophysics you enjoy. But astronomy is another great option that might be better, depending on what you're looking for! (❁´◡`❁)

Another thing I'd like to note is that it is unlikely you will get to the astrophysics specific classes until your later years in uni (unless you decide to take some astronomy classes first). There's a lot of physics you need to learn before you get to all of the other physics, and learning it all takes a lot of time! Many of the specific concentrations and specializations stuff doesn't come up until much later on, so you gotta keep in mind what your goals are and try not to lose your motivation for studying all the other stuff first. Especially because when get around to taking your astrophysics classes, it quickly becomes apparent why you needed to learn it all to begin with! It requires understanding of most of the concepts you learn prior to it (classical mechanics, electromagnetism, special relativity, thermodynamics, etc). But believe me, it's fun when you finally get to it! It's like a puzzle piece coming together, and I can say I certainly gained a much deeper appreciation for how the universe works afterwards.

Additionally- and I cannot say this enough because some people don't seem to realize it until they're in pretty deep- if you're not personally a fan of data analysis and having to work with at least some coding, you might want to consider going into a teaching application of astrophysics or contemplating a different specialization! Most astrophysics research involves working with a ton of data, always, all the time. Even in fields which could be considered to be "untraditional" fields of astrophysics still require working with data. If you find data analysis fun, you'll probably really enjoy doing astrophysics research! If it's not up your alley, it may not be a great time. You could probably still study astrophysics without having to do data analysis, but personally I don't see that being worth it unless you plan to stick to teaching physics/astrophysics outside higher academia. I'd suggest taking some data analysis courses if you have the opportunity and seeing how you feel about them.

Those are kind of the key points I can think of to mention when it comes to what's important to know about the ✨astrophysics experience✨. From a more personal standpoint: I am obviously biased, but I've had a great time so far. Part of me just kind of thought space was cool going into it and I still totally think space is cool, but from a much more appreciative and knowledgeable standpoint now. Not to mention, I would say the astrophysics community is very open and welcoming. There's lot of wonderful organizations you can join, and I've had a wonderful time at every conference I've been to. Not only that, but I feel like the community really puts effort in to welcome and accommodate people of underrepresented backgrounds- there's lots of events geared towards people from all kinds of walks of life. Such things are important as well, because the astrophysics community is incredibly collaborative! Most research is done at least in a team, if not part of a much bigger organization. This might depend on what specifically you want to research, obviously, but for the most part it holds true. And that experience is a lot more fun than you'd expect it to be! I've had many wonderful collaborators and team members in my time doing research, and I expect I'll still continue to meet much more. That sense of community that I've gained in my studies is personally invaluable to me. Again- biased!- but I'd say on some level astrophysics is worth studying just for that feeling alone.

Aaah sorry I realize I'm rambling a little bit. As aforementioned, I'm more than happy to answer any more questions you might have (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) My background is personally from a smaller school going into graduate studies (I'm going off to get my PhD focused on gravitational physics research, specifically!) so I might not be able to speak much on studying physics at most bigger schools or on going into industry after your uni studies, but I'm happy to answer questions about generally what it's like studying/doing research in physics, as well as questions about preparing for grad school 💚

[breathing-inthemoon]

random rant no one asked for

so, basically, yesterday i got this massive urge to do a literature degree. for context, i'm currently majoring in astronomy, i have been for a while, ngl, i'm embarrassed that it's taking me this long, even though i shouldn't be (according to my awesome friends). being an astronomer is my dream. i want to work as one, and i think that's what puts the most pressure on me and why i struggle so much with perfectionism and craving good grades, plus the stem enviroment doesn't help (my upbringing doesn't either). i want to enjoy my life as a student, but i find myself physically unable to do so. for more context, because of the questionable way in which my courses work, i'm only taking finals at the moment. i'm done with all my classes, but i'm not done with the subjects bc of compulsory finals (most uni courses in my country have ways of avoiding taking the final by meeting certain requirements that involve grades and presence in lessons). my point here is that i'm not really going to uni, i only go when i have an exam, which sucks all the joy from seeing my beloved campus. so, the thing is that i actually really enjoy learning. i'm such a nerd and proud of it. and it really pisses me off that i have to be so stressed about it bc of how the system works. this leads to me fantasizing about studying without all that drama. sometimes, i end up reading the material for finals that are not my priority atm, the idea of studying to get a good grade paralyses me. and sometimes that turns into me thinking of doing another degree, completely stress free, just for the sake of it, not giving a fuck about grades, or how long it takes me to finish it.

for the longest time, i wanted to try a math degree after getting my astronomy one, but the thing is, that it is too close to the type of academia i am used to. math also has compulsory finals, plus its still stem and that will not let my brain rest when it comes to expectations, even if i'm doing it for fun, i'd be scared of making a fool of myself during exams.

so yesterday, it hit me: literature. i love reading. i love languages. as i said before, i'm a massive nerd. i think majoring in lit will give me the student life i dream of. i don't plan on doing anything with that degree if i get it. it's just for me. it's the academia equivalent of moving to another city where nobody knows you and start a new life. i would still be doing astronomy, hopefully, that'll be my job. but i'd take courses on the side, maybe one at the time, idk, it'd be chill.

but, there's always a but. right now, i really like the idea.. but i've been here before, with other stuff. other projects i wanted to start and never did or i started and never finished. abandoned hobbies, etc. i like a lot of stuff (see pinned post for reference) but i'm not the most consistent human being. it's not that i lose interest in the things.. it's just, life gets in the way.. especially if it's not a priority. astronomy will always be my priority. and i love it, but it's not the only thing i love.. i just wish i could multitask, but i find again and again that i cannot. i mean, i can barely do one task tbh, but that's a conversation for another day. so basically, rn, i really want to do it, however, i don't have much faith that i will follow through, and that makes me really sad.

[aimo-learning]

The first lesson - model only with primitives

One of my biggest flaws with C4D was not really knowing the basics. I am fully aware that most times I am a little too scared to stray from what I know.

I also started using Cinema4D based on tutorials. And don't get me wrong, I learned a TON with tutorials. But most of them are very much a case of guiding your hand with no real insight. Click here and voilà, design is done.

I had previous experience in Maya, so some of the knowledge carried over to this tool. I had lost a lot of the little practice I had over at uni, but c4d is so intuitive that is very easy to pick up.

Now, I decided to start over from scratch. I learned some new shortcuts that I didn't know, but essentially this lesson was more of a refresher than anything else. Also, it came with a neat assignment at the end!

So the assignment was to model my favourite place. Hard to beat a ramen shop, but I thought about home and something that is very familiar to me: a pastry shop. The constraints were that we could only use primitives and a maximum of 5 colours. The renders are also the most basic of basics. After all, this is a lesson for pure beginners.

I started thinking of what I wanted to include and how to achieve that using only the limited range of tools at my disposal. I went back to my notepad, roughly sketching what I wanted to build. I even took a reference photo (!) when I went to the shops because I saw a cool idea for the counter stools. I mean, it was incredible how I got involved with such a tiny project.

The only rule I skirted a bit was in the materials. I didn't use 5 colours only... I used 6. I threw some white to the mix so that the plates and coffee mugs weren't... pastel. And I added some transparency to the cake display because it needed to be a glass display.

I had a blast with this. It helped to boost my confidence a little bit and get used to actual... modelling some 3d for a change - no generative/abstract/random stuff.

It's kind of a weird challenge, to limit yourself and follow along as if you know nothing of the tool to try to learn new perspectives and workflows.

The next lesson seems to be about... splines! Oof. Can't wait!

[zyana-wyvern]

I have a few... well, many things to add to this. This might get very long, so bear with me.

First of all, just to get this off the table, I do agree with pretty much all your arguments and of everyone else who offered their perspective.

I too have been through many things and saw all the possible palette of situations going on in this fandom, from some of the most wonderful, to some of the craziest and repulsive. I'm in this fandom since the beginning of 2021, so in two full years I've seen some stuff. Add the fact that this is the first time I got so deeply involved in a fandom, this will probably carry a lot of significance in my life as I go forward.

With that in mind, everything bellow comes from my perspective and filtered through my experience, so if you don't agree with something, keep in mind that your experience may have been different, which doesn't make it less valid. I will though be very candid and opened because one of my goals this year is to speak my mind more, regardless of consequence, and that mainly for my own mental health. Keeping things inside isn't healthy at all for me in the long run.

I've always likened the dawn of this fandom to a little eden. Everyone was getting along, being kind to each other and just overall having a good time. then it slowly degraded, which is not surprising. All the groups I have been in, wether at school, uni, or work start out like this. It takes some time for people to get accustomed to each other and decide with whom they have affinities and with whom they don't. The big difference is that in real life we see each other face to face, we communicate more readily, see body language, *feel* everything better, which leads to less overthinking. Personally I have to constantly remind myself this so as not to take things personally. In this respect it has been a learning experience for me because I can apply it in real life as well.

There was a time when I was also hurt by all the things here and I recognize them very well, but then upon a deeper introspection I realized maybe I too was guilty of alienating the ones who made me uncomfortable, rather than trying to bridge that gap. An eye for an eye doesn't really work.

Yes, I do reblog the lesser known creators personally, but I also reblog my friends and my friends aren't my clique. I do not only talk to them or gather in a conniving circle of cackling witches, praising each other and despising every one else. I reblog anyone and anything I like, or moves me in any way, but I also try to curate my content.

Also, I had the experience of reblogging a lot from people who I loved and who were lesser known and I got nothing in return. The same for certain friends. Not all give back the same way I do and the reverse might be true as well because time is sadly so, so limited. The reasons are varied, either my oc wears something from a friend with which another friend has beef with, or my post, or rather the npc in my post triggers them etc. It's not easy to bear, but if that is their choice, there's nothing I can do.

To me the message and feelings that this situation gives me takes precedence over the number of notes. When I take the time to offer my energy to someone and I get nothing in return, or very, very little, I feel used and silly, like a little groupie screaming and cheering for their idol, while being utterly ignored. Not a nice feeling to have.

I think being honest with ourselves and realizing our own mistakes is the first step. Others will do the same and will give back what we offer. Those who don't, ideally fall on the wayside.

Another important factor is Tumblr itself. I am surprised no one mentioned this site's algorithm, because it is one of the main reasons people don't have exposure on their creations. I know its patterns quite well after two years and it will hide your posts, it will shadow ban you, oftentimes posts won't appear in the tags and so on.

I am someone who takes periodic breaks. I have quite the busy personal life and I need that time away, not only for the well being of the people in my real life, but also for my fandom experience itself. I get burned out and bored after a while and after a break my passion is renewed. Well, after these well deserved and normal breaks that rarely last more than a week, my reach is to the floor. I barely get a few notes and friends tell me they didn't see my posts.

So many, many times, it is the AI's fault, not the human's.

Just a few days ago I wrote a drabble about one of my personal gripes, which relates to gatekeeping and feeling silenced from showing my otp and hc as they truly are, by the general direction of the fandom and the judgement from others and my post was pretty much ignored. It's great yours got so much traction.

Truth is we do not know each other AT ALL. No one truly knows the other in this fandom. To protect ourselves we must always remember this and either connect and give people the benefit of the doubt, or retreat, regroup, release.

It is also a very small fandom, where everyone nows everyone and there's only a limited number of people who might react and see our creations.

As for cliques... I only know of one which really hurt this fandom deeply, but I won't get into that. The other groups, or circles of friends are an inevitable part of human nature. People gather into groups, "clans" since the beginning of time. It cannot be stopped and it isn't a bad thing, unless it gets malicious as we saw it happening in the past. Discord indeed strengthens these connections and the only places we see each other better, the Town Squares or so to say, are Tumblr and Twitter.

My solutions to this and how I coped until now are to always remember that there's a real human being with feelings behind that OC, or that PFP, that this isn't my job, but a hobby, a passion that should be enjoyed and not become a chore, that yes, my hc and otp are very valid and I love them dearly, but others feel the same for their hcs. Most importantly, that sometimes I need to step back, I need to detach, I need to soar above it all and have a view from above, gather my thoughts and myself, before I plunge back in. We risk becoming "cyberpsychos" if we don't remember who we are and what our goals are here.

I think after solving our own internal issues and learning self love, we can more readily open to others and understand them, put ourselves in their shoes better, but also remember our own independence and not let all this play with our heads.

I love this fandom with the bad and the good. It is exactly like the game and deeply life changing in many ways.

I also appreciate you opening this discussion which gathered so many people and made them speak up. That is I think another solution - communication, honesty, openness.

There are more people with good intentions in this fandom than the opposite.

The Cyberpunk Fandom on Tumblr

After being away for a while and being able to step back and watch from afar, I can easily say that the fandom/community here on Tumblr is dying. Not surprising when you consider how competitive it's become. Not surprising when you consider how toxic and clique-y it's become.

If you're not in a clique, good luck getting notes.

If you're new, good luck getting notes. This place is horrendous for welcoming newcomers.

If you don't have an elaborately modded character and don't have the VP skills of a god, good luck getting your work seen.

Better watch your step or else you'll start an argument. Whether that's about mods or an NPC or headcanon. Better yet, don't share mods or headcanons at all. You will draw the wrath of somebody out there.

But make sure that you're posting new content every three days or else people will forget about you.

And don't make it too creative and different or else people won't like it. Just remix the same old picture in a new way over and over again.

And don't even think about sharing things other than VP of a hot person because nobody cares. All everyone wants to see is a hot person for 5.5 seconds. Put months and months of effort into developing a character? Too bad. Put a lot of love and time into developing lore and writing for your character? Better save it for yourself. No one on this app cares. Your character will be whittled down to how hot they are or not. That's a toxic community.

You have people who've been in this community for months that are hurting. There are people who are losing something they love when their work that they put effort into isn't being noticed. It stings when they're overlooked because they don't meet the ridiculous criteria in this community on this app. You have people that are scared to share their work. You have people that are struggling with their mental health because of this community. Because it's a toxic community. How do I know this? Because I've seen it happen, I've heard them say it aloud.

You have some people here who managed to make it to the top and the rest struggling to keep up. Do you really think it's healthy to have that kind of structure? Do you really think it's healthy that people are buying entire PC set ups just so they can take modded pictures and feel like they belong? That's a toxic community.

Do you really think it's a good thing that those who don't have elaborately modded V's and high end PC set ups aren't getting seen? 30 notes is hardly enough for some of the talent that I see around here. But they're overlooked because they aren't in the right clique or don't create the content that the fandom is demanding or don't use every mod in existence. That's a toxic community.

So what can you do to make it better? Share work that doesn't belong to only your friends. Leave nice notes on shares even if they aren't in your clique. Take a moment to appreciate it when people share something other than VP. Take a moment to appreciate those Vs that aren't elaborately modded. Take a moment to appreciate the talent of people here. Everyone here, not only the same 20-ish people.

This is something that is happening even on Discord servers. I've watched it happen, watched the interaction fade away. But it can be fixed if enough people put an effort into it. That means a real effort, a genuine wish for this community to continue on. If not, then we'll just have a handful of people sharing their VP into a void and nothing more. That isn't a community.

Put an effort in. Look beyond the scope of only what is in arms' reach. Appreciate what people create. Appreciate the effort that is put into their characters. Share things. Reach outwards and see the good in what people create even if they aren't what you've been brainwashed into thinking is good. Because we have been brainwashed. We've been brainwashed into thinking that we can't interact with anyone outside of our clique. We've been slowly made to think that only one set of criteria for VP and OCs are "good" and that is hurting so many people. Simply announcing that you 'think all work is good!' or 'I just do it for myself!' won't mend the hole that's being ripped into people when they aren't acknowledged.

Who is going to share your work when everyone is gone? Who's going to like your work when there's nobody to like it anymore?

And I don't mean that you need to spend hours on Tumblr sharing everything you see. That will only lead to more burn out, so please don't think that's what I mean. I mean that the toxic community practices have to end. I mean leaving the brainwashing behind and acknowledging the talent and skill of all people. I mean acknowledging all people who are here.

[oopsimbug]

in which... y/n is just trying to put on eyeliner and harry is bored pt. two

a/n: when she’s back from a six month hiatus after making only ONE fic. wow, do i suck. for anyone who cares, school has been pretty rough. i’m actually procrastinating studying for an exam to finally upload this. it’s been pretty hard to balance both school and writing but oh well. anywho, here it finally is. it took so long to write because i wasn’t feeling very inspired by this. a lot of people asked for a part two and even though i kinda wanted to leave it on a sad note, i am a sucker for giving the people what they want, so sorry if this is a bit shit- i definitely don’t like this one myself. i guess i’m not one for fluffy endings. well, at least for this one i wasn’t. i really hope you enjoy it! more stuff to come, if school doesn’t mind fucking off for a little while (or maybe just forever?) xox -(a) bug

pairing: best friend! harry styles x reader

summary: Harry is worried about Y/n. Y/n is worried about Harry. Harry is solving it by thinking of ways to check on her, while Y/n uses cheesy pasta and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air as an excuse to not think. But what will happen when someone is at her door, and it’s not her delivery man?

warnings: angst, swearing, y/n and harry being idiotos, fluffy end, kissing

word count: 5.3k

It had been a week.

One gruelling, painfully long week.

Harry was biting his nails, staring up at the ceiling as he laid in his bed, worrying about her.

About how he fucked up.

He didn’t think that she would be upset for this long. He thought she would scream at him and then text him the following day, wanting to hang out- a silent “I forgive you”, he supposed.

But after two days of radio silence on her end, he decided to call her. The only problem was that her last words to him were “leave”. She wanted space. She needed to think things through- what things? Harry had no clue. But he had to respect her and her choice to not want him around. So with that, he put down the phone.

But a small part of him (okay fine, a big part of him), wanted her to just show up at his house so they could cuddle again, talking about the stupidest of things while they made cupcakes in his kitchen. They would be listening to groovy music and now and then, they’d stop mixing bowls and sifting flour to dance- well, they were horrible dancers, so more so just wave their hands, hips and shoulders around. It would be fun and would always end up with them laughing at one another. He would lick the batter and she would berate him, telling him that “one of these days, you are going to get salmonella and I’ll just laugh at your stupid ass” and he would retort with something witty and a bit flirty like “don’t worry darling, we both know you would be right at my side if I got sick. I know you can’t stand being apart from me” with a wink and a cheeky smirk. He just wants to see her in her oversized Space Jam hoodie and little basketball shorts. Or her short flower shirt and his sweatpants that she has to cuff at the bottoms because they’re too long. Or even-

He’s gotta stop thinking about her, or his brain will soon explode. But he just can’t stop. He tries to think of the happier moments, like her showing him a tour of her very healthy houseplants that she prides herself in, but every time he closes his eyes, all he can see is her teary face telling him to leave. So no, if he was given the choice to think of her flailing her arms around in his kitchen to dancehall tunes while making sweet treats or crying at something that he provoked, you bet your ass he’d choose the former.

But after the seventh day, he knew that something wasn’t right. This was too much “thinking time”. For all he knew, she could be fine, but she could also be positively bawling. She could be living for this free time, but she also could be waiting for him to make the first move. She could be wanting Harry out of her life for her benefit forever, but she also could be feeling lonely and counting the seconds for their makeup, just like he was.

That was it. He had to go see her and make sure his best friend was okay.

He practised what he was going to say to her in his car on the way to her apartment. “Y/n, I’m so sorry for how I acted. I didn’t stop to think about how you were feeling and didn’t take your emotions into account which was unbelievably wrong of me. I’m truly sorry. It’s just that I really care about you and you’re my best friend and I can’t see you choose a tinder fuck over me and if I saw him in the street I would knock his lights out and I just want to kiss you, can I kiss you, oh god please let me kiss you I just want to-“

Fuck, what was wrong with him? Why was he so upset? He had been on plenty of dates with other celebrities and models and she was always on the sidelines, cheering him on. So why was he getting so touchy-feely about a single tinder date? Maybe he was just in desperate need of attention. He hadn’t had a girlfriend for almost one year and casual fuck arounds also stopped about four months ago, so maybe he just needed to fuck someone quick. That would explain why he sees his best friend’s kindness and natural flirty nature as something more romantic. Every laugh at his jokes, every look in her eyes, every graze of her hand on his thighs as she leans over him to get her drink on the side table next to him, he becomes more switched on and awake. She leaves him feeling giddy and excited at every conversation. “This can’t just be because I’m horny right?” he cannot believe he would ever be that horny. What the hell was he going to do?

*

This is pathetic she thought.

I’m pathetic.

She let out a huge sigh before shoving another forkful of cheesy pasta into her mouth.

What am I doing?

The answer?

Eating carbs upon carbs upon carbs, lounging on her comfy sofa in the most comfortable, yet daggiest pair of pyjamas ever while watching reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air for the fiftieth time, actively avoiding all commitments, housework and jobs that involve moving further than to the kitchen, which even then was an embarrassingly burdening trek on its own.

But she let it slide. How could she not? She was upset and this was how she coped. That’s what she kept reminding herself as she boiled more and more pasta watching the days pass her by without realisation, but now, she’s beginning to question if this was the best idea. Pushing all thoughts of him out of her mind by not looking at her phone just in case he called or texted. But she was beginning to struggle.

It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know what inner turmoil she was facing. He seemed genuinely hurt when she snapped at him. He truly didn’t understand why she took so much offence to the playground ribbing, it seemed. And she had to go be a dick and ignore him. He was probably worried sick. How many times would he have called to check up on her? 10? 15? The more she thought about it, the more she wanted this stupid feud to be over and just be in his arms again, even if it’s just as a friend. So she caved. Turned on her phone, expecting there to be at least a call or a text asking if she was still alive or not. And although she did receive a message of that likeness, it wasn’t from Harry, no. It was from her daily water tracking app, pleading her to fill in her daily intake of water so as to not die of dehydration after she was suspected to have not drunk any for the entire week when in reality, she was just too in her head to open her stupid phone and log her water.

Wow, she thought.

Now not only has Harry chosen to not speak to you, but you also look like a huge idiot right now. Of course, he wouldn’t want to talk to you! You got pissed at him for absolutely no reason and now he hates you. He’s gonna ask for his cardigan and track pants that he keeps at your house in case he wanted to sleepover. He’s going to take back all of his little knick-knacks that he leaves over, like the cute diffuser that he leaves because he knows you need it for your constant hay-fever that blocks your nose and then he’s going to declare that you aren’t friends anymore and then you will never get the chance to tell him how you feel and then-

Her panicky brooding is interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Who the hell could that be?”, she thinks. It was too late for it to be the postman with her package containing her entire Amazon wish list that she bought on the third day of mourning to make herself feel better. But it couldn’t be Mrs Xiao asking her if she had any holes in her shirts that needed stitching. The sweet old lady fell asleep at 8:37 pm sharp after her medicine that she’d take at 8:30 pm would kick in (which she learnt after spending nights over at her apartment where her niece, Mei, took care of her. Y/n would learn traditional recipes like baozi and watch movies with her two friends all the time). It couldn’t be Mei either, she was always in online uni lectures from 8:30-10:30 pm, locked away in her little study, so as to not bother or be bothered. So now, a little panicked, Y/n wondered who was truly at her door?

Another two knocks come, echoing off the walls of her little apartment as she turns down the volume of the program she was watching. She stares at the door from her couch, debating whether she should risk getting stabbed by a possible murderer or not, before ultimately deciding that life was too short. She was also getting sick and tired of the knocks that kept arriving in threes. She swings her legs off the couch and onto the floor, pushing them into her slippers so that her feet wouldn’t touch the cold floor, waddling her way to the door before shyly opening it, peeking at who it could be through the tiny crack in the opening, hoping whoever it was wouldn’t mind her current state: belly filled with pasta, hair knotty, giant shirt with sweatpants on and Harry’s patchwork cardigan hanging off her shoulders- which she had been wearing all day, cherishing the pretty piece of clothing and his scent imbedded in it, taking it all in just in case he asks for it back. She peeps at the torso of this mystery person, realising that Harry owns the jumper worn by them, before looking up and locking eyes with a worn out and tired eyed Harry, one hand in the pocket of the familiar hoodie and another extended out near the door, ready to knock again before freezing when it opens up all the way to show herself to her best friend. He doesn’t eye her up and down cheekily like he normally does when she is wearing pyjamas, wolf-whistling at her relaxed state, claiming that “You look runway-ready, my love! Do a twirl for the crowd, will you?”. Instead, he stares her right in the eyes with what looks like almost relief, before smiling a weak and broken smile.

One of them needed to break the silence or both would have just stared at each other in her doorway until the world exploded. So she starts.

“Hi.” her voice hovers a tinge above a whisper, almost as though if she dared to speak louder, this probable illusion of the one she loves would fade away. He lights up a little bit, probably relieved that she started the conversation.

“Hey,” his soft voice matched her volume and tone as if he too didn’t want this to be a dream. “May I come in?” The words sound awkward to her coming out of his mouth. Harry never had to ask for permission to be invited in- he usually just strolled in without so much as a holler to indicate he was present, finding amusement in scaring her instead while she was doing whatever she was doing, whether that be reading, watching a movie, cooking or napping. They were the best of friends and never had to inquire about entry to each other’s domains, along with other small things like if they had anything in their kitchens to eat or if they could sit somewhere, so hearing it was a little disheartening and provoked Y/n to think about how serious this situation was.

“Okay”, she replied after the pause of contemplation, opening the door fully so that the lanky boy could follow along behind her, like a little puppy. She didn’t like how awkward the situation was. She just wanted things to go back to what they were.

But then you wouldn’t be able to tell him you love him... her inner voice argued. And she agreed. She knew that yes, this will be awkward, but it’s an opportunity for him to listen to her and know that she isn’t joking.

“Would you like some tea?” She enquires. They’ll need to handle this like proper grown-ups (which in all honesty, isn’t their dynamic- it’s more like first-year uni students who are mature enough to have deep conversations but still laugh at dad jokes and anything remotely serious, like a painting with boobs), and from what she knows, or has seen in movies when the characters are being serious, is that you need tea or a drink of that sort and a sit down on the couch where you talk stuff out. So that’s exactly what she does.

“Yes please,” Harry’s soft voice replies as he toes off his boots that most definitely cost more than her apartment. Y/n nods and heads to the small kitchenette and flips the switch on the electric kettle before going into her cupboard that housed the mugs. Harry stood awkwardly near the sofas, and to save him the embarrassment of waiting while standing, Y/n invites him to sit with a small, “You can take a seat,” and a quick glance at him before returning her gaze to the mugs to make herself look busy. She didn’t want to look him in the eyes for more than three seconds in fear of bursting into tears and the worn out and tired sight of him. She shakes the thought out of her head and begins to prepare the mugs.

Y/n put two teabags in her mug while putting one in Harry’s. She was raised in a household of avid tea drinkers and she inherited her strong tea quirk from her father who would always keep two teabags with only a dash of milk, and the only difference between her tea and her fathers was that Y/n wasn’t strong enough to take her tea without sugar, unlike her father, who thought that drinking unbelievably concentrated leaf juice with milk was a fun and relaxing time. On the other hand, Harry liked to keep one tea bag in his mug while he drank it, but just like her father, he too took little to no sugar with his cup, being the health freak he was. And early in their friendship, when she mentioned it to him, Harry chuckled and chirped, “Your father is a smart man. He has to be for raising amazing and talented people like your siblings. I’m not sure what went wrong with you though...” while booping her nose as they laid together under a tree for a little picnic. And though she rolled her eyes at him and punched his shoulder for the sly dig at her, she was practically beaming at the fact that he thought her family was smart. Harry had no idea how much that meant to her. Y/n loved her entire family, and she was unbelievably close to them, so it made her entire week to know that Harry, someone she respected and loved so much, recognised how talented and smart each of her family members were. Don’t get her wrong, she didn’t need the validation to know that her family was amazing, but she felt so special knowing he took the time to notice. He did that a lot though. Doing things that meant a lot to her without batting an eye. Saying things that only a person as observant as he could notice, like complimenting her eye colour in the light and asking her to read for him because he constantly mentions how much he loves her voice.

Y/n looked over to the same sweet guy she fell head over heels for, who was sitting on her couch, fidgety as ever, and wondered if they would ever be the same after the very next moments to come. She didn’t want things to change between them, but she was dying inside knowing that he wasn’t hers. And getting over him was not in the question, after the fiasco that happened last week. She just wished she could get inside his head to sate her painful curiosity.

What is he thinking about?

**

What is she thinking about?

It’s the million-dollar question running through his mind. What was she pondering over as she made them tea? Did she want to talk to him? Was she mad that it took him so long to find the balls to face her? Was she as nervous as he was? Was she worried that they would never be the same again like he was?

He was going into panic mode, questioning everything, while probably looking stupid as ever. As much as he regretted how awkward things were now, and the fact that he instigated her to lash out at him a week ago, he was realising that he was not regretting the fact that he did it. He didn’t want her to go out with someone else, and she didn’t. And yes, of course, he feels bad-beyond bad, in fact- for making her cry, and wishes he could take it all back, he also sees this as an opportunity to tell her how he feels about her. He could finally tell her that he thinks about her all the time. About her soft smile, her bright eyes, her melodic laugh, her speaking voice that brings butterflies to his stomach. He could tell her about how he loses himself at work, the grocery store, fuck- even at events- thinking about what she was doing at her house. Was she under her blankets on her couch, watching some corny tv show? Was she baking her signature choc chip cookies that taste like the gods blessed every single biscuit on the tray before they were put in the oven? Was she knitting her cat, Chesnut, another rug to plonk herself down on, with her feet up on the ottoman as she listened to the 7 o’clock news on the radio? Was she writing a paper for another deadline? Something so sophisticated, like the exploration of white and male privilege and how it is ingrained in our society? Something that Harry tried to understand and research so that he could stay in the loop with his smart girl’s interests, but he always struggled with.

It was a huge insecurity of his. Not that his best friend was smarter than he was, no way. He treasured the fact that she could and would whip his ass at a debate on things like the state of the world, or human rights. She could school him on global politics, languages, maths, science, history and literally anything else, and he would be cheering her on. What he was insecure about was her realising that he was probably slowing her down in life. Y/n was well within her rights to kick him out of her life for being nothing but a freeloader and stopping her from reaching her full potential, what with him constantly stopping her from her own life to help him go through shit happening in his. Whenever he was sad, or confused, or upset, Y/n was the first person he would talk to and he feared that she would realise that he was probably taking advantage of her and stop talking to him. And that scared him. It scared him because he knew that she didn't need him at all, but he needed her to do anything in life. Every major and minor decision in his life has been approved by Y/n first, and not because she was a controlling friend who didn’t trust him with his own life, but because Harry needed her validation. Harry Styles, a world-famous superstar, had girls, guys and non-binaries at his feet, following his every beck and call. Harry Styles, who was on the cover of every magazine, known by every celebrity, dated only the most perfect of women, required validation from Y/n, a psychology major at a small university. Y/n, who liked to plan her day out on a to-do list, end up not doing anything on that to-do list and cry about it afterwards. Y/n, who breaks it down to “Murder She Wrote” by Chaka Demus & Pliers like it’s her last 4 minutes and 5 seconds alive on this Earth while making pancakes. Y/n, who cries more when she’s laughing while watching Tik Toks than she does during sad movies.

To celebrities, Y/n was nothing but a regular. But to Harry, she was all. She was the warmth of a sweater that you toss in the dryer for a few minutes to make it extra toasty. She was the pad of butter that you spread onto your pumpkin sourdough toast and it ends up being exactly the amount you wanted. She was the feeling when you are driving home from a long day of interviews and premiers, and you’re on the freeway and the windows down and you just… exist. She is the feeling you get when you watch Pride and Prejudice, and the relief of when you find the perfect word to end a lyric. She is when your shoes fit perfectly, and when you finish a book so utterly fulfilling that you lie there in a trance, looking up at your ceiling at 3 am, wondering how you could have been so lucky to be able to be blessed with an ending like the one you just read. Y/n was all those things and more.

And that’s why he had to tell her he loved her. No matter how scared he was.

***

The electric kettle is finished boiling the tea all too quickly as the bubbling comes to an end and the distinct click of the switch turning back off echoes around the silent apartment. Y/n had poured the scalding hot water into the two cups she had prepared stared into them.

It was time. She had tried to avoid this for as long as possible, but now it was the moment to face the music. She picked up the two mugs of tea and brought them to her lounge where Harry was sitting on her worn in green sofa, staring at her coffee table, eyebrows scrunched, pouted lips, deep in thought, before looking up at her with wide green eyes, and followed her to where she stood in front of him. She passed his mug to him before sitting on the comfy chair a few feet away from the sofa and from him, putting some distance in between them for her sake, so that she wouldn’t try to hug him and say sorry without saying what she needed to say first. Which she needed to start talking about now, so as not to sit in the awkward silence created by the two.

Say something!!

“So…’

Jesus fuck…. was that all you could think of? Wow. I am going to lose my best friend.

Y/n was choking.

“I am so sorry,” Harry’s voice intercepts, raspy from the lack of use, looking up from the coffee table he seemed so interested in. “I am so fucking sorry Y/n. I have no excuse as to why I was making fun of you that day. I pushed too far and I am a shit friend for not noticing that you were already on edge. It was so wrong of me and I am so sorry.” He stopped himself before he started to ramble, looking at her with eyes filled with an emotion she couldn’t decipher.

Y/n felt… unsatisfied. Why did she feel this way? He apologised, right? So why does she feel unfulfilled? Why does she want him to say more? He hit all of the points he had to for a standard apology, so why did she think he hadn’t done enough? Was it that little optimist in her brain hoping he would maybe reveal a slight attraction to her? Maybe tell her that he loves her, and has loved her forever and ever? Confess that she has bewitched him, body and soul so that she didn’t have to? God, was she an idiot. But a lovestruck idiot at that. She bites her tongue and replies.

“Harry, I forgive you. Although you were annoying as ever,” She rolls her eyes and smirks, while he lets out a breathy, half-assed chuckle, showing his acknowledgement at her attempt to ease the lowered yet still prevalent tension. She continues. “ I understand that you were just trying to have fun. I guess I was the one who irrationally lashed out . I am always okay with you poking fun at me, but I was just frustrated and tired and I took it out on you. I’m sorry for the improper communication and I’m sorry for pushing you away when we should’ve just talked…”

“I forgive you too. I think this was just miscommunication on both parts.” He stared into her eyes, almost as if he could sense the discontent in her, but chose to ignore it.

“I guess so.” She halfheartedly answered, not really knowing where to take the conversation next. They had both apologised, but evidently still had things to say. Well, Y/n had things to say, that’s for sure, but she was pretty sure that Harry wanted to say something too. He had that look on his face where he wanted to say something but was forcing himself not to.

What does he want to say? Why can’t he say it to my face? I mean, sure, I’m also hiding shit I wanna say, but I have an excuse. This could ruin our friendship. What does he have to say?

“Great,” Harry replies, trying to fill the awkward pauses and conversation that is being held. He still looked like he had something to say, but seemed like he was not budging.

Well, if he’s not saying anything, I’m not either. Why do I have to confess my feelings and put our friendship on the line if he isn’t even going to say what’s on his mind?

“So, are we good?”

“I don’t know. Are we? I mean, I forgive you and you forgive me, right?”

“Right… No yeah, we’re alright. We’re completely fine!” Y/n replies quickly. Why the fuck would you say that? You’re not fine.

There is a pregnant pause and Y/n has half a better mind to just get up, walk to the bathroom again with her head down and lock herself in there till he leaves again, because she cannot take this awkward conversation. Not with him. She shifts, ready to stand up to get some water, when Harry looks at her, confusion and slight panic setting into his face.

“Wait. I don’t think I’m fine…” She looks up at the boy sitting in front of her, reading the words from her mind like they were scribed on a piece of paper in the blackest of ink, permanent and bold. Her heart stuttered. What else did he want?

“Is everything okay, H?” she tentatively asks. He loses eye contact with her, gaze lowering towards the table in front of him

“I-” he pauses, trying to collect his thoughts while simultaneously trying to explain to her why he wasn’t okay. “I just- fuck” his head falls down, his face inches away from the hot tea in his hands, the humid steam billowing out of the mug and warming his elegant face as he takes a deep breath and tries once more to convey his thoughts. “I don’t want us to be friends again.”

Her heart stops. This could go one of two ways. He could either be confessing his hatred or his adoration for her, and either one would probably end with her imploding. She tries to take a neutral tone when she replies.

“What does that mean, H?”

He looks at her once more. “It’s not enough, Y/n... “

“What?” She is confused. Her friendship isn’t enough? How is she supposed to reply to that?

“I want more. I don’t want us to just be friends. I want to be more with you. I want to do more with you. I want to do things that friends… they shouldn’t do together…”

Is he trying to confess he likes her? Why, in all the ways you could speak, would he choose to speak like that?! She has had enough of him dawdling around his feelings. “Harry, stop being cryptic and fucking tell me what’s going on?!”

“I love you, Y/n! I fucking love you, Y/n. So much. And it is eating me from the inside out. I hate that we can’t be normal anymore, and I hate that you don’t love me the way I love you, but I cannot sit here and pretend everything is fine, because I love you.”

Y/n is stunned. Frozen in her spot. Can’t move, can’t speak, can’t breathe. Stuck in space, and stuck in time.

Holy fucking shit… he loves me…

While Y/n processes the life changing knowledge that her best friend loves her, her best friend conveniently sits next to her, wishing that he was dead for the letdown he was about to receive.

“Say something… please, for the love of God, say something!”

****

She looks up at Harry. Not Harry Styles, playboy, whore, singer, millionaire, but instead; Harry, her best friend of five years, reddened face out of embarrassment. She sees the mortality in his eyes. Feels his presence so heavily in the moment. She is in awe. True awe of him, and his ability to love her. And with that awe- and that stupid look on her face, she reaches up and cradles his face in her hands, brushing her thumbs softly over his plush pink lips. He stands just as still as her, barely breathing, as if it would shatter the fantasy to stardust and he would wake up in his bed, cold shivers running down his spine, as has happened previously whenever he thought of this moment, staring up at his ceiling at 3:40AM wondering why he thought of his best friend in such a way. She creeped closer to his face before stopping a breath away from him, and whispered.

“Is this okay?”

She looked into his eyes, and he looked into hers, both never feeling so alive before. He wishes to tell her that she needn’t ask for his permission, and that he wants to kiss her forever. Eternally locked in an embrace that holds their souls together. But all he can muster is a weak and broken whisper back.

“Please,”

She can hold it for no longer, and leans in the rest of the way, their lips moulding together, for the very first time, eyes fluttering close, as his hands reach to grab her by the hips to straddle him, deepening the kiss even further. And when they part for breath, panting for air with slightly moist lips, they touch foreheads, eyes still closed. Words needn’t be exchanged- everything that yearned to be said was useless, as it could never describe how they truly felt for each other. So hopelessly besotted with one another, that all they could do was breathe together before kissing once more, hoping that their actions could provide even an iota of an idea of how much they love one another.

Two best friends, turned lovers forevermore.

[awesomehoggirl]

Hi uhm I noticed youre like really cool and youre like. Idk youre just cool I dont know how else to phrase it. And I was wondering what are like. Some things that youd recomend someone to do at least once in their life? Like what are some experinces that you really enjoyed yourself/think youd enjoy a lot that youd recomend to other people ? Idk man Im on break soon, all my friends are busy and Im looking for things to do and you just seemed like a chill person who would give good recs 👍

i gotta say im really not as cool as you think i might be social media distorts stuff i spend most of my time doing boring shit 😭 like scrolling mindlessly watching family guy soap cutting tiktoks or washing up or doing uni work. anyway onto the ideas... if youre near any rivers or lakes or the ocean i would recommend doing something on the water i really like rowing and it is something you can do alone in a day which is so peaceful and rewarding and fun. go to your nearest city and cafe-hop with a book youve been meaning to read! GO TO AN ART GALLERY it is one of my fav things ever to do you will never regret going to an art gallery!!! go to a big one or to local exhibitions... go to art fairs and craft markets and support the local artists there, go see student plays! i once did a pottery making class which was fucking hilarious it was so fun and you can find so many similar things locally, you can make soap or do life drawing or learn to weave. and in doing these things you end up meeting so many people of so many different ages and walks and life AND you can learn so many new skills and find new passions and hear new stories and become involved in your community. GO TO PUNK GIGS! check out your local music scene! last week i got two tickets to a random feminist punk show and put 'hey anyone want this other ticket' on my instagram story and went with a complete stranger and ended the night hugging her at the barrier with loads of new friends. see if there are any flea markets/car boot sales in your area and go and find the weirdest objects and haggle with sellers! one thing i think would be really great to do if youre trying to have fun solo (and if youre the right age and have the financial means) is to book a hotel room/inn/b&b in another town or city or hell another country if youre able and stay there for a night or as long as you like. obvs make sure people know where you are and that you are safe (this one actually might be better to do with one other person) but like... be independent for a night it can be really fun and an amazing learning experience i was able to go abroad independently with a friend this year and as a newly turned adult i felt that throwing myself into a random place id never been to helped me to just kinda. mature in a way. anyway yeah just... go to new places and do new things and learn new skills, indulge your senses always, make a joke out of everything, but get out there and be a little spontaneous because even if youre afraid at first soon enough you wont be. if youre not able to do any of these things then READ. read as much as physically possible. read a different book by a different author in a different genre from a different culture every day. read wikipedia pages and go down rabbit holes. watch 5 different movies and read an essay on each one when youve finished. just like youll never regret going to a show or an art gallery you will never regret any time you spend reading. i have no idea if this was the answer you were looking for but i hope it was at least in the right ballpark or a conveniently adjacent one. if you have any followups or whatever my inbox is always open and i am having a very cool and fun night taking notes on a digital lecture about washington irving i was meant to do last week

[azure-clockwork]

Ok, let’s go over my bosses because I have too many:

The Professor or Howard: the man who teaches the course I used to TA and now get paid to help design and troubleshoot on the side. He’s a semi-famous roboticist and that’s the only reason he’s still employed. He’s not actually named Howard, but he still can’t be assed to learn mine, so he can deal. Sometimes he’s funny to laugh at but I really hope he gets booted from the uni at some point.

The PhD student or River (in Egypt): The only reason I’m involved with Howard’s course is that he basically doesn’t run it. River, his kickass PhD student and head-TA-turned-co-instructor, runs it and I report to her. She is me, but a few years older and I want to be her when I grow up. I may or may not have feelings for her that I will hotly deny. Ignore that I drunk text her about her research semi-often.

The Manager or Benny(fits): if I had to pick one person to list as my single boss, it would be him. I formally report to him at my full time engineering position. He has enough people under him that I don’t take direct orders from him that often, but he is the one who gets information from the higher-ups about what projects we’re supposed to be doing. He will tell you about how the company insurance covers pretty much anything you can do to a rental car and makes sure go out to eat as a team as many times as he’s allowed to expense.

The Pirate Captain or Scout: when Benny is out of the office, Scout is in charge and it becomes a ‘pirate kingdom’. I dress up and it’s very funny. In many ways, he is more directly my boss than Benny, because he runs the daily scrum meetings where we check in on task status and assign stuff. He knows so so many plane facts, and it is a new hire rite of passage to get him to take you to the company museum (a hanger full of old stock preserved for posterity) and teach you about it. He is Cub Master for the local Cub Scout pack, and that fact indirectly got me my job.

Bonus! The Fiddler or Ms. Hat Guy: Hat Guy’s mother works as a gig musician in her semi-retirement. She invited me to play with her group at their monthly show in a local bar, and I had a grand time. So now I keep coming back. I am still sight reading half the set list on stage, but I get free Guinness and a share of the tips. I solo on “Road to Lisdoonvarna”, “Swallowtail Jig”, and the vocals for “Danny Boy”, plus whatever the peer pressure and the beer convinces me I can sight read the solo for.

Ok, this next story requires introducing a new character, so let’s quick go over the dramatis personae of my blog, mostly because naming these peeps amuses me! Maybe I’ll link this in my intro post or something.

New! Hat Guy: my friend from college. Known for his wool hat, love of Mountain Dew, and skill in robotics and rocketry

Roommate Who Knows my Tumblr: roommate, friend, and Tumblr artist. She got me into Fire Emblem and knows my secrets

Roommate Who does not Know my Tumblr: a giant golden retriever of a man. Blissfully ignorant of Tumblr, my secrets, and until recently, the word twatwaffle

My Boss: technically, she is the head TA turned Co-Instructor of the course I TA. Technically, my real boss is the professor. Technically, I don’t care.

My Baby Cousins: several of them are 18 now. However, they are several years younger than me, so they are babies in my heart. Hiya cousins!

Mom, Dad, and Younger Brother: exactly who it says on the tin. Mostly, they’re great

Bluejay: that’s me! I’m pretty fucking neat

[skamamoroma]

I Promised You The Moon - Episode 1 Thoughts - aka did John Hughes direct this and not tell us?

Oh I had to wait so long today to see episode 1 as I was working but I am so very happy I waited till I was in bed and with a cup of tea... which I then cried into four times. So that’s where I’m at. This is going to be long, I’m not even sorry in the slightest!

For ITSAY, I made so many posts about this show and how moving and beautiful it was, how the symbolism and writing was exceptional, how the music was absolutely incredible and how much I adored BK and PP’s chemistry. P’Boss’ work is special and the feel of Part 1 was a delicious kind of awkward, indie movie full of metaphors, fraught pain and emotion and pretty breathtaking storytelling of love and growth. I fell absolutely in love with Teh and Oh and their story, obsessed with Teh as a character (as I see a lot of myself in him and I love when he spirals) and I just felt utterly moved by the whole show. So I never needed Part 2. Part 1, for me, is perfect. And I certainly didn’t expect to love Part 2 as much or feel as much emotion because I just thought it wouldn’t be possible especially with a change of director and city and storyline... but I genuinely think that was a good idea after seeing Episode 1.

I just finished it and I’m kinda tear stained and the first thing I couldn’t get out of my head was just how much it reminds me of the late dear John Hughes movies from the 80s. Those of you who are a little old like me born right at the beginning of the 90s, will have been brought up on those movies filled with 80s synth music, stories of growing up, artsy camera work and filled with colour and emotion. Those movies are some of my all time favourites and I absolutely felt their influence on Episode 1 and maybe the rest of the season, I don’t know! I really wonder if P’Meen used them or was aware, hahaha. Anyway...!

But first off, I cannot, and I mean CANNOT handle the music. Part 1 really did floor me with the use of the score and how it was such a huge part of the reason it was so beautiful. Phuket Dreams has me in tears about 3 notes in... so cue me crying at the remixes of the old score with 80s synth sounds and almost Dream Pop echoy sounds. That right there is my jam, my absolute favourite music and the way IPYTM is so clearly going to be full of it makes my heart very happy. Especially those last scenes with Oh, that sweeping 80s style music taking him from heartbroken pain to dancing to forget had John Hughes all over it and just felt so impactful. So I will bang on every week about the music I’m sure.

As for the beginning and the casual buying of condoms (yesssss god damn Nadao, thank you for safe sex lessons for LGBT+ youth and a nod to actual sexual expression, I’m mega proud) leading into the way Hoon and Suri were involved (they didn’t give me Tuty 😭) in transferring Teh, it felt like such a gorgeous transfer from ITSAY vibes to IPYTM... watching Teh’s mamma so proud, Hoon watching over him as always and then gently leading into the first moment that made me cry...

How dare they put a remix of the old score over Teh being told by his mamma that she accepts him as he is so casually and softly, in a way that not only lets Teh know he’s loved but welcomes Oh as someone she cares about deeply and is happy being someone her son loves. It was beautifully done and I couldn’t help but think of Teh’s teary face on the Cape at the end of Episode 5 and thinking how proud I am of him. The way Hoon stroked his hair - help.

Teh. Now I made no secret of the fact that I loved every moment of watching Teh go through it in Part 1, how his very physicality and struggle played out especially him writhing all over his rug! But we had to see him grow. He isn’t the same boy he was but he still feels like Teh, just a little more comfortable, a little more mature in some ways and just READY for life. He feels tentative but also prepared to grow more and I just adore him. Oh, on the other hand, the one who was much more secure in himself in terms of his self and sexuality in Part 1 is now absolutely thrown into the unknown and isn’t handling it well.

Oh was established so beautifully as a Phuket boy. His name is rooted in his home, he lives in shorts and by the sea, he’s shaped by that place and what it means to him... his signature scent is coconut! He literally embodies Phuket... so it doesn’t in any way surprise me that we are watching him flounder and feel lost. It feels so human and so many moments felt so moving. When he told Teh that the best part of his day was seeing him, when he imagined the waves on his mind, when he listened to his mamma talk about the coastal weather... it’s hardly surprising that he cried as he was asked to explain his name. That was the second moment that got me. I was a wreck. Watching him break down and fall to pieces infront of total strangers just because he was recounting the meaning of his name, the foundation of who he is, the thing he misses to very much... he doesn’t fit, he doesn’t feel at home and he didn’t feel himself. It was beautifully done, for me. I caught my breath the second he started crying because it was so utterly human and raw. I have felt the way he does and recognised every second on his face. PP has come so so far with his acting.

Then we get the mention of Yongjian. NOW SOMEONE TELL ME IS THAT TEH AS YONGJIAN IN THE TITLES? If so, how dare they spoil it?! I am going to weep uncontrollably if Teh gets his dream. But the way Teh spoke of their future, the way he tried to recreate their past with Yongjian’s speech. Their entire history as friends and boyfriends is rooted in that story, that character, the idea of being Male protagonists... and Teh is so sure of their future. Also, you cannot also avoid the meta of it all with BK and PP. That moment and their words felt so personal to them too and their own real lives!

Do not even start with how their first kiss in Phuket was underwater and arguably their first kiss in Bangkok is the same albeit in public. DO NOT LET ME THINK ABOUT THIS TOO MUCH.

The issue is that, Part 1 set out for us how they ended up where they are. Oh fell into acting, it was never his dream from the start. Then it all became a fight, a thing to win from his rival and in the end a thing to prove. We haven’t really ever see Oh show a passion for the stage and acting, not really. He worked so hard to get his place in Uni but there’s so much irony at play. Their entire story of rivalry has actually caused this current situation. Oh “won” the coveted Uni spot (helped in part by Teh) and Teh “lost” and was making do. But we see how that’s not how life goes. Oh never really felt he knew what he wanted and so he just ploughed on. He’s now in a situation where he has to start deciding, has to be his own person and he’s just... lost. I can’t wait to see him find it whatever it may be! The difference with Teh is that he may not have got his number 1 desire but his passion is ENOUGH. He loves what he’s doing and that moment where Khim (is that her name, I forget now, it’s so late, but Goy’s character) was explaining the lights was gorgeous. Teh’s passion was ignited, you could see that “oh wow” moment... and you can see the difference in how they’re going to progress, Teh didn’t need the top Uni because his passion can carry him and will help him succeed whereas Oh doesn’t know what his passion is and perhaps he’s where he is for the wrong reasons after all. The story telling is lovely to me, if completely heartbreaking.

The tears came again at “but I’ve already given so much of our time to other people”. Oh the tears. The boat scene from ITSAY is my favourite scene of the show and that line is one of the most beautiful bits of writing I’ve encountered for a long while... and to see Teh use it and remember it and effectively set out the issue they’re facing was heartbreaking. They made that promise on the boat and they’re breaking it. Oh-aew is trying to be what he thinks Teh needs and Teh is wide eyed and filled with this new world and getting to indulge his passions. They’re both so human and both trying the best way they know but they’re so young and so unsure and have so little life experience that they don’t know how to be adults or how to manage all of this stuff. They know they care and love and are each other’s person but they have such a lot to learn.

So the introduction of Q and the boys... and let me say they’re glorious... feels both beautiful and tragic because they look like they will be accepting and also potentially LGBT+ themselves or maybe Q (I see your gorgeous painted nails, sweetheart and the way you didn’t question Oh saying “partner” for a second)... but also they’re what Oh is using to fill the time he promised to Teh. It’s not Oh’s fault. He deserves friendship and a world of his own too but he was relying so much on the familiarity of Teh and Teh’s presence to keep him grounded and comfortable but he can’t do that all the time. He is trying so hard to be good and thoughtful and kind that he’s not telling Teh the truth. He’s doing what he said he wouldn’t do on the boat, but we can’t blame him in the slightest, he’s the sweetest boy.

I have so much to say but I guess that’ll do for now. I really loved the episode. Yes, it’s different but I think I realise now why it needed to be. In a way I’m kinda of happy about it because ITSAY stays sacred!!!! It stays as that beautifully fraught and emotional indie movie of my heart filled with metaphorical depth. It can’t be touched as far as I’m concerned but with IPYTM it feels just as moving, just as emotional, just as impactful but in a different way that reflects maturity. I don’t think it would have worked if it still felt fraught and characterised by ITSAY vibes. They’re not kids, they’re not insecure about who they are anymore in terms of their sexuality and they are moving into adulthood.

I know it’s going to break me. Episode 1 had me genuinely crying into my tea but I also know that it had the potential for its own special brand of symbolism and meaning. We can already see some special moments which seemed to be saying way more than the words themselves like the speech on light and how we see things and the way Oh even used it himself to see a different perspective at the end. That felt really very meaningful. They’re going to need to be able to see different view points as they navigate what will probably be a shit ton of pain! They will need to adjust to the light, to their circumstances to be able to survive and for their bond to be what is important without allowing other stuff to pass into their line of sight. Oh saw nothing. Empty stage, no Teh, not even himself... he opened his eyes too soon. He needs to learn to adjust and learn how to see the world and his place in it so that when he opens his eyes he sees what he desires and has worked for and made for himself rather than emptiness.

The last thing for me is the chemistry. What more can you say other than they’re perfect? They have the most natural, enigmatic, intense and sweet chemistry. They work so beautifully together. They sell even the smallest of moments and they absolutely destroy with emotion. I just feel every second of Teh and Oh’s emotion and that is such a damn skill. Their talent, man.

So I loved it. I am going to be dreaming tearstained in 80s synth music tonight! I can’t wait for the rest to emotionally destroy me a little more.

[whumpmyworld]

Welcome to the world of kdrama whump part 4!

Oh wow how am I at part 4 already? But I keep finding new kdramas and I keep finding new whump in them so here I am! Let’s just get right to it shall we? If you want to see the other 3 parts you can find them here: part 1, part 2, part 3

Period Drama:

1. Rookie Historian Goo Hae Ryung ( 신입사관 구해령)

Available on Netflix

So first up on this list is a really cute period drama that is packed with so much of funny scenes and also really serious stuff. It’s set in the 19th century and it’s about a female historian Goo Hae Ryung and how she becomes a historian and we also learn about prince Lee Rim and he’s a writer in secret! and it’s got quite a bit of mystery too which I quite liked. and Cha Eun Woo is really great in this along with Shin Se Kyung. 

Here’s a list of the whump that @whumpetywhump​ did. You should check it out!

2. The King Eternal Monarch ( 더 킹: 영원의 군주)

Available on Netflix

Ah, this one. I almost didn’t add it to the list because i wasn’t happy with the way it was written. but whump and cinematogaphy wise, this show is so good! (plus wdh + whump never disappoins). So it’s set in a parallel world to ours in the ‘Kingdom of Corea and it revolves around a plot to murder the royal family but the prince survives and goes on to be the king in current day Corea. but some how, with the use of Manpasikjeok which is like a supernatural flute, they can travel between worlds, (between the Kingdom of Corea and The Republic of South Korea). So the story focuses on the king and a mysterious person who saves him on the night the king dies. Pretty interesting concept, could have been executed better but oh well. It was pretty funny and intertaining for the most part.

Action:

1. Two Cops ( 투깝스)

Available on Netflix, Viu and Viki

Oh this show is so good too! It’s about a detective who is trying to solve a case and then catches the guy he was after but then somehow the guys spirit ends up possessing (but in a funny way, it’s not scary) the detectives body and so they need to work together to solve the case which starts to get complicated. There’s whump for both the characters and it’s pretty goood!

Here’s a list of all the whump!

2. My Secret Terius ( 내 뒤에 테리우스)

Available on Netflix, Viue and Viki

My Secret Terius is so fun! and so cute but also really dramatic. It starts off with the lead loosing her husband and a mysterious man who lives next door to her. He’s basically a NIS agent and he’s got a lot of back story which you will find out throughout the show. And then Go Ae-Rin (the lead lady) discovers that there was some conspiracy to her husbands death and they work together to solve the mystery all while fighting other bad guys too..

Also, the kids in this show are super cute. Here they are trying to help Kim Bon heal after he was rescued.

3. Flower of Evil ( 악의 꽃)

Available on Viu and Netflix

One of my top 3 kdramas from 2020 i think! So this one is about Baek Hee Song and he’s married to a detective and they have a cute little daughter! and Baek Hee Song is like the perfect guy but in reality he had a lot of secrets and he’s been living under someone else’s name and his wife doesn’t even know. So his past slowly comes to light all while his wife is figuring out a case that may or may not involve him. It was pretty intense but also really intersting and Lee Joon Gi whump never disappoints, just look at this gif XD 

Angst and Melodrama Family:

1. 18 Again ( 18 어게인)

Available on Netflix and Viu

So, if you’re in the mood for some heartfelt kdrama with lots of tears and lots of heartwarming moments, this is definitely the show for you. I don’t think I made it through any of the episodes without crying. So this is actually based of the American movie 17 again! It follows the same premise of our main guy (Hong Dae Young) getting turned into an 18 year old kid and him and his wife are on the verge of a divorce. But there’s so much more with how they struggle as young parents, to their relationships with everyone and their jobs. Everything about this was so good! (If you watch/watched this come yell about it with me. I can’t stop talking about it)

2.  It’s Okay to Not Be Okay ( 사이코지만 괜찮아)

Available on Netflix

I think this was one of the top kdramas for 2020 and rightly so because it’s so good! aside from some flaws it had a really great storyline and talks alot about mental health/traumas. So this is about a guy who is a psychiatric nurse and he has a brother who he takes care of. The story also focuses on a children’s book writer who has antisocial personality disorder and how they make it through life esp with all the trauma they’ve faced. It’s such a pretty show with a pretty decent storyline and of course some nice whump throughout. You should definitely check it out.

Supernatural:

1. Bring It On Ghost ( 싸우자 귀신아)

Available on Netfix, Viu and Viki

I didn’t think i was going to like this because it seemed kinda of scary and I don’t do well with horror. But this show was so good! It was a little scary but it was also really funny at the same time. It’s the story about a girl who dies and becomes a ghost so she’s wandering around. Then she meets an exorcist and becaomes friends with Bong Pal. They, together with the help of two uni friends go around fighting ghost and sending them away. It’s kinda like a kickass ghost fighting club with a little bit of mystery added it. So of course you can imagine that there will be whump :D 

Here’s a list of all the whump! Thanks again whumpetywhump :)

2. The Uncanny Counter ( 경이로운 소문)

Available on Netflix

I think this has been recommended a few times here but I had to include it officially in this list. So this is about a group of people called Counters who hunt down evil spirits and they all have some kind of abilities. Then this high school kid, So Mun, ends up becoming one of them through certain events that take place and he’s some how involved in one of the cases that the counters are involved in. This show has everything I love! Found family, best friend trios, action as well as humour. It just finished airing too! Good stuff.

Here’s a list of all the whump! Thanks @love-me-a-lotta-whump​

And there we have it! Part 4. I hope you guys will enjoy these kdramas as much as I have and if you have any other shows that you would like to see in a future list let me know! or if you want to talk about any of these shows, I’ll be here :D 

[bangteamhyuk]

Seesaw (Teaser)

SEESAW (Teaser)

Genre: Mature/Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Friends with benefits Arrangement

Synposis: His outfits always in black, and if not black then it must be in dark muted tones. You pressed the button on the elevator floor, and positioned yourself at the edge. You watched his back from a distance, and turned away if he moves his head. You were always the one who start your small conversation with him: From “good day” to “good night” to “that’s interesting (whatever it is you find ‘interesting’ from him, even though you were interested in him more than the item)” and other things. You and your little crush to your neighbor who lived on the 18th floor.

Until one rainy night, all drenched and cold, and your eyes smudged all over with kohl, you found him waiting for you inside the elevator. His body slacked on the edge, hair unkept, his jacket barely settled on his shoulder while holding on to an empty bottle of Jack Daniel.

“Rough night?” he asked while you moved to the other side of the lift,  pressing the button from the elevator immediately closing its door.

“Yeah, seems you had one too?” you watched him attempt to position himself upright in amusement.

He drank from the empty bottle before he replied and realized straightaway that it’s been drained.

An idea came up to you suddenly and you asked:

“I have more of that in my place. Wanna come over?”

“Good morning” you said upon entering inside the elevator. You walked past him and placed your back on the steel wall for support.

“Good morning”  he replied, eyes blinking.

You opened your insulated tumbler to drink your freshly brewed hot coffee you made before leaving your apartment, when you noticed something particularly interesting from the lone stranger you’re with inside the lift. “Nice bean hat” you complimented.

“It’s a gift from my friend” he looks up at the elevator screen, monitoring the floors you two are in before it hits the ground floor. “That coffee smells nice, Ethiopian beans?” he turned his head a little to your direction, but was not trying to look back at you particularly.

“No, Tanzania. Peaberry” you took a sip and levelled your eyes to the decreasing number before the elevator digitial screen until it hits ‘Lobby’.

“Have a good day” you smiled as you walked pass through his side, letting you leave first, like a true gentleman.

It was always the same dry and small conversation. Always the same feeling whenever his around. Your little crush on the man living on the 18th floor.

——

It started about two months ago when he was running towards the closing elevator, asking for you to wait when you were about to push the close button upon boarding inside the lift.

Normally you would mind, and would even subtly pushed the button hard (about once or twice) so the lift would close quickly before the other person could enter.

But not this guy, no. The way his eyes looked at you, like a cat purring when it wants to be loved. The way he shifts his appearance from looking cold to being warm.

“Thank you” he panted, as he tried to catch his breath from running and crouched down on his knees right when the elevator door closed. 

He was wearing a black oversized hoodie and a dark blue fitted jeans and black canvas shoes, but were all dripping wet.

You pulled out your gym towel from your bag. The one you didn’t get to use because, Matt, the cute guy your friend introduced to you during her wedding day, suddenly sent you a message asking if you had any plans for this afternoon.

Ofcourse you cancelled your “gym day” to trade it for one steamy workout session with him inside his car. Which leave you now with your gym outfit and stuff inside your bag perfectly unused.

“Here” you handed it over to him, feeling sorry of the situation he was in. Wet and dirty from running outside the street. He turned to you confused, unsure whether to accept the towel you were offering or not.  “Oh don’t worry, I didn’t get to gym today so it’s not used...” you smiled.

“Thanks” he bowed a bit and gently wiped his neck and face as he pushed the 18th floor button.

You pushed 17th.

“New here?” you asked.

“Yeah, I just moved two weeks ago”

---------------------

A/N: The day after I wrote “Moving On”, I realized how bittersweet it was to end it at that... I really enjoyed writing it, that I just sit back and revel at it (one of my personal favorite). Then it hit me... Min Yoongi is unhappy? I wanted to end it that way, but I just can’t 😫 . Not when I am currently obsessing over SEESAW, and the fact I lost count on the times I’ve watched his performance, on repeat!! (Did you guys watched BanbangCon21?!) Min Yoongi is the epitome of sweet and spice and everything nice 😭 like a cinnamon bunbun you just wanted to protecc. Thus, I feel obligated to make another one involving him.

It’s on the same (uni)verse of “Moving On” except that OC Y/N here is another person with a totally different personality (except for the love of good coffee 😉☕) .  Can be a sequel or a stand alone fic. Nevertheless I really want to thank everyone who appreciated “Moving On” the same way I did.

A family just moved out of the house quite recently, it was very sudden and unexpected. We never really had a major argument that brought her the decision to move out, it was more like she was craving for growth without us in the background anymore. And I felt all sorts of emotions, but most especially melancholy. I learned that grief isn’t always about feeling sorrow over a person’s death. It may mean sudden changes around you too, like heartbreak. That’s why I drew all my emotions to the story of “Moving On” and wrote all reminders to myself that it’s perfectly normal to feel it, to feel being sorrowful over the situation, over the reality. Hence, ending Yoongi to feel bittersweet about the changes around him. Sorry been ranting stuff. Anywayyyyy hope you all enjoy the teaser. I’ll post it as soon as I finish :) Thank you everyone again!!! -Soleil 🌞

[scripttorture]

Do you have any advice for self-care to use specifically when you are angry and frustrated by torture apologia? Or even more so when being dismissed when confronting others because they think you are not smart, too emotional, not having enough applicable background, etc. I wanted to keep this general. I know you posted about taking breaks and keeping up your mental health but I could not find anything about ways to deal with anger that don’t involve confronting others, especially if it is culturally frowned upon. Thank you for your hard work with this blog.

Well duck, I uh mostly deal with anger by running this blog.

 I’m honestly not sure that I deal with anger well. I try and I’m working on it but I know I struggle to stay calm and polite when something infuriates me. I’m also a lot better at communicating in a helpful, patient and articulate fashion in writing then I am in person.

 Keep in mind that you do not have to have these conversations every time someone is spouting torture apologia.

 Spreading awareness is great! Educating others is great!

 But (and I really can not stress this enough) it is not your job to correct everyone. It is not your job to ‘fix’ people. It is not your job to persuade others they should care.

 Pick your battles. Engage with people who you think you can have a genuine conversation with. Remember that when you’re talking politics (and torture is political) then the aim is not to convert the people on the extreme ends: it’s to persuade the people who are on the fence.

 And if you really want to engage with people engage about the things they care about. If you’re talking to someone who believes in law and order or justice as retribution then talk about how torture puts police at risk and how it leads to innocent people landing in jail. If you’re talking to people who are concerned with safety in their neighbourhoods talk about how torture can serve as a recruiting factor for extremist groups and gangs. If they’re concerned about public health and the treatment of the mentally ill talk about how torture causes life long health problems and how that takes away from the economy.

 Aim at the level where people are willing to engage with you.

 If people take issue with your level of education or subject and question how you can know this stuff; act like an academic would. Cite your sources.

 ‘Well Rejali who studied this for years and created one of the most detailed analysis of global torture we have-’ ‘O’Mara, who studies the brain and how trauma impacts it,’ ‘Morgan, who put US marines through a mock interrogation with mild levels of stress and found-’ ‘Shalev who studies solitary confinement-’ ‘Sironi who is a psychologist and has interviewed hundreds of torturers-’ ‘Kara who produced the largest data base of interviews with modern slaves-’

 Repressing your anger, tapping it down, is not a good idea. As with most negative emotions it’s healthier to let yourself feel them and work through them.

 It’s also important to recognise that while there are real reasons for your feelings you can not always do anything about them. And there comes a point where you have to deal with that. The things that anger us and hurt us are not always things we can actually personally effect. Changing public opinion takes decades and is the work of thousands of people, not one individual.

 I feel like those of us who are not from the West have a bit of an advantage here, because sitting with that anger and learning when and how to put it aside is something you grow up with.

 Having support helps a lot. Having people you can talk to about this stuff is incredibly important. And I am so grateful to all of the people I know who support me in this: the court journalists, philosophers, writers and researchers who I can discuss this with. I also get a lot from reading about the successes around the world, modern or historical. They’re out there.

 Martial arts have also helped me a lot over the years. Capoeira helped me a lot but given the pandemic it isn’t a great idea right now. But a pair of boxing pads and a willing house mate are definitely a good way to get out some anger. Thumb on the outside of your fist, never inside your fingers. Keep it close to your body, fist at your hip, thumb upwards. Twist as you punch so your thumb faces down as you connect with the pad. Make sure to move your hips.

 Don’t do what I did at uni and try to use a pillow instead of proper pads. You’ll end up bruised.

 Right now, without a decent capoeira group and a lockdown in place, I do push ups.

 If you have a garden dig. Plant young trees, if you’re in the northern hemisphere (it’s the wrong time in the southern hemisphere.) Dig a vegetable patch. Make an area of wild flowers by cutting and tearing out the grass, raking the ground and scattering native plant seeds in the mud.

 Take all the electric whisks out of the kitchen and make a cake. Cream the butter until it feels like your arm will fall off.

 Make a curry from scratch without a blender. I use a granite pestle and mortar and it takes several batches and several hours to grind a proper paste. I’m a big fan of Matar Paneer and it freezes well giving some tasty work lunches for a week or so.

 Make bread. I’m not very good at this but the kneading, layering and mixing all take a lot of work. Which can be a very good outlet. I wish I could give you a paratha recipe but the truth is my skill level is no where near high enough to attempt the best breads. (I buy mine frozen.)

 The advantage I’ve found from all of these outlets is they’re constructive. Boxing and push ups will make you stronger, whatever skill level you start at. Gardening will give you fruit, vegetables or wonderful flowers in a few months time. It’ll give you new knowledge of plants. Cooking any of the things I’ve suggested will give you wonderful food and more skills.

 I always try to find something constructive to do with my anger. I think there’s a tendency to portray anger as bad in and of itself rather then having a conversation about how we act on our anger.

 I also can’t stress enough how writing can help. Fiction is an excellent way to process our feelings and express why we feel the way we do.

 The piece of fanfiction I’m currently writing has one of the characters dealing with a traumatic brain injury. Writing this character struggling to communicate what he’s going through and trying to come to terms with his limits while the people around him are looking at him and saying ‘well you don’t look disabled-’ It’s helped me process a lot of my anger over how I’m treated because of my mental health problems and the dumb, unnecessary barriers that make my life more difficult.

 What’s the root of the anger here? When you know that, you can address it with words. You can construct a story that will explore it. You can see it through the lense of different characters. And that really helps process it.

 I hope that helps :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer