#because i 100% think it's an anxiety thing and anxiety always finds something to fixate on

[celestialbeing2]

daffodils.

a finnick odair x fem!reader story

summary - as the flowers were blooming, so did your anxiety. why? a household slip up. it happens to the best of us. lucky for you, there is only one other person in district four that can calm your nerves.

warnings - not the best grammar, not proofread (fluff!)

maybe it was just you allergies getting the best of you. or was it seasonal depression? no that's not likely. either way a wave of anxiousness had hit you. hard.

it was about that time in district four. the flowers were blooming, and the sky and water were a breathtaking shade of blue. the district filled with vibrant colors. spring made its way. and you weren't here for it.

on these days when you weren't feeling 100%, you would find your designated "comfort spot". it was a small patch just large enough for you to lay down without feeling suffocated. the patch gave you the best view of the sea. it was also surrounded by yellow daffodils. it was all far too amazing for the eyes.

as you made your way over to your patch, your chest felt heavy. thoughts were swirling around in your head and it was extremely hard to process one complete thought. you felt sticky from the sweat beads on your forehead. even though there was a strong breeze that day, you still managed to sweat buckets. the tears rolling down your cheeks could have also played a factor in the stickiness.

you weren't really sure what exactly happened, but the last thing you remember is dropping a vase. not just any vase, it was a family heirloom. before anyone in your home got the chance to figure out the source of the crash, you were out the house. to say you were nervous from the potential outcomes of the accident was a understatement.

as you finally got to your patch and sat down, your focus was on the ocean. the serene waves made you feel slightly better. but hearing the waves crash immediately brought the nervousness back. you tried to redirect your focus on the small insects around you, but the buzzing of the bees made you think of how your ears rung after the crash.

the ocean and the animals were checked off of your fixate list. that left the plants. in front of you was a collection of flowers. bu the daffodils caught your eye the most. some were white, some were yellow, while some were both. you love daffodils. they only bloom once a year, and they only live for a few weeks. so you have to soak in their beauty for as long as you possibly can.

however, the footsteps behind you snapped you back into reality. who could even be out here? no one knows about your little spot. no one besides...

"mr. odair" you said, turning your head around slowly. not ready to meet his sea-green eyes. his stare could be too intense sometimes. nonetheless, you loved it.

"no need to be formal with me, honey" he replied, squeezing his way into your area. you adored the pet-names he gave for you. the way they rolled off of his tongue made you love him more day by day.

once finnick sat down, the silence between the two of you grew louder. you stared at the daffodils on your fingertips, while finnick looked straight ahead at the sea. he has always had a desire to be around the sea. no wonder why hes the best fisher you know.

before you could fill in the silence, he jumped in. "why are you out here? i stopped by our home to see if you were busy but when your mother told me you were gone i was extremely worried. is everything okay?" he said, positioning himself to face you with his classic big doe eyes. this time they were glassy, as if he was about to cry. he truly was worried.

"sorry. i broke something and i just panicked. i thought i was done for. you know how my mom gets sometimes. i just acted impulsively, i didn't mean to hurt you." you answered him. you probably were too focused on finding the rights rather than on him, because he was in a different position, with something in his hands.

his fingers were moving quickly, weaving something together. you couldn't see what it was. his hands are always at work in some way. that wasn't new to you. what was new to you was his sudden vulnerability. he quickly wrapped up making the thing that was in his hands. he held it out to you.

it was the stems of the daffodils in front of you. they were tied into a intricate pattern that resembled a headband. on the side on the band, a white and yellow flower sat on top of it.

"i know you didn't mean to hurt me. you never mean to hurt anyone. i know you. you're selfless and kind. don't take my feelings to heart. i just care about you a lot." he said, averting his gaze to the band. he then placed the band on your head.

"it fits perfectly" he said, fixing the band and smiling to himself. if only he knew how adorable he looked. his smile was large. crescent dimples were indenting his cheeks, and the soft blush over the tips of his ears and cheeks nearly made you melt.

"i..i don't even know what to say" you mumbled, grasping one of his hands. finnick lightly chuckled.

"that's fine, let me do the talking" he said proudly. he then brought your head to his lap and placed it down gently, like it was made out of glass. he didn't live up to his previous statement though. instead of him talking and you listening, you two sat in silence again. like how it was when he first came to your spot.

this silence was more comfortable. finnick and comfort mixed well together.

[lambilegs]

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

modern!au lee harker headcanons (she looks so sexy in this picture I'm gonna die) 📲♥️

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

doesn't like posting on instagram, and if she does, it'll be something not including herself, like her pet cats LMAO

she finds it anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable to post pictures of herself, but just for legitimacy's sake, she does have a picture of herself as her dp

it's one hundred percent an unintentionally fuckboy angle pic of her looking down at the camera (hot hot hot)

lesbians ALWAYSSSS be sliding into her dms and hitting on her, but she's SUCH a dry texter and gets so flustered and awkward

the only time she posts on her story is if it's for social justice causes, or to just repost things her friends have posted

probably has 100-150 followers. just a lot of people she's met in class, when dragged out or online

yes I def think she has online friends. she's totally in a discord server filled with people who have similar interests to her (+ are neurodivergent duh)

constantly falling into wikipedia wormholes -- will search up one curious idea that pops into her head (lee's search history: shifts in christianity in the sixteenth century), and then click on one term, and then another, and then another, and then, ends up spending three straight hours fixated on absorbing all this new information

loves watching video essays and deep dives (she also occasionally watches movie recaps when she couldn't be bothered to watch a film but her curiosity is piqued. she loves Kennie J.D.)

her lockscreen is def a pic of her and her friends :') (once she gets a gf though, it'll def be that switcharoo thing iphones do, filled with photos of her friends and gf)

she has an album in her phone that's just of her and ruth, and she sometimes gets lost in her thoughts, just staring at all the memories of her and her mom. this happens a lot on lonely nights

speaking of, ruth is her number one on speed dial. she still isn't certain why, but having her mom there like that comforts her

her friends force her to get dating apps, once spending a very long afternoon making profiles for her (she literally had to rip the phone from their hands when they wrote: I study criminology so I know a bad girl when I see one ;))

they find the entire ordeal hilarious, especially since she's stiff on the couch and wringing her hands like 🧍🏽‍♀️ but she knows, deep inside, she wants a gf/partner and, well, apparently, this is the way to do it

however, she ends up being really overwhelmed by all the options KDIJSKDJ and she finds herself confused and conflicted as to how to decide who to swipe right or left on because she doesn't know anything about these people, their morals, their values, how compatible they are with her, etc. (her friends groan and tell her to stop making it so complicated and just select based on gut instinct)

but her gut instinct is literally non-existent with such brief intros to the people she sees. plus, she finds socializing draining as is, and the idea of texting and making small talk with someone for days to weeks, then not feeling anything when they meet seems exhausting to her

gets so impatient when it comes to microtrends on tiktok. she sees all these trends constantly changing and being implemented in diff ways, and people always advocating for new ways to change yourself and discard last month's trend, and she finds it so overwhelming. she already isn't super in tune with social cues and societal expectations and rules, so tiktok constantly having all these new microtrends, as well as challenges and tests to dissect and define how good your relationship is, how well you're doing self-care, if you're fashionable, etc., and all the different ways to change this, is draining to her.

she's super late when it comes to trends also lmfao always feels like the one lesbian out of the loop bc she never gets the pop culture references (lee: "who is chappell roan?")

her friends force her to do tiktok dances bc they find it hilarious how she's just 😐 the entire time

nsfw cut (literally barely anything LMFAO)

watches porn

definitely secretly follows lesbian nsfw artists on twitter

[shytastemakerthing]

Hi!! I'm Ellie, and I'm looking for a romantic matchup for one of the Twisted Wonderland characters, please!

Some basic info is that I go by she/her pronouns, I'm 5'5, and I have a rather rounded figure (but that just means cuddle time is that much more comfy, i'd say!!) I have fair skin (by fair i mean vampire pale.) Blue eyes, and loooooong brown hair!

Personality wise, I'm the rather fun-loving sort, even if my severe social anxiety and depression keeps me from going outside, I do all I can to keep myself entertained and having as much fun as I can. If something sounds boring, then I have a hard time focusing on it (which gets me into a lot of trouble in school tbh.)

However, I tend to be extremely shy around other people, my social anxiety makes it very difficult to be open around others. However, when I become more comfortable with them, I'm much more lively, and willing to share my interests and hobbies and such.

Honestly, my entire life revolves around things that interest me, whether it be a new game to play, a story I like, characters I'm invested in, a new hobby, etc. It will always be something that I find easy to rant about for hours on end.

Aside from hyper-fixations and special interests, I'm rather reserved and don't say more than I need to at any given time. I tend to be overly considerate of others to the point where it drags me down, but I don't let it get in the way of my special interests.

In a relationship, I'm the type to be extremely clingy towards my partners, often hanging off their every word to shape how my mood will be for the entire day. When I'm in a relationship, my partner tends to be my hyperfixation or special interest, as I often want to spend all of my time with them due to just how happy their company makes me.

In all, I'm a girl who lets excitement control my life to the point where I don't have the capacity for a relationship that is just "chill". I'd need someone who can meet my needs while at the same time being someone who can get something fun for us to do together without me getting bored of them.

My love language is quality time and physical touch!! I'm a big fan of just having a blast with my partner, but cuddles and hugs are definitely the best. (pda in public is a big plus)

I am an extremely bashful and romantic sort of character, with lofty dreams of what life with a partner might be like. Even though I love the idea of romance, I am totally up for a chill relationship as well, anything goes as long as they're happy with me, and I'm happy with them.

Sorry for this being so long!! I'm looking forward to being matched!!

A/N: Hello and thank you so much for your request! I do hope that you enjoy it! Have a wondeful day/night!

Request: Twisted wonderland match-up

I match you with............

Floyd Leech

Someone who lets excitement run their life? Well then, count Floyd in. He is all about having a good time and has been known to leave things that he seems to be boring in search for new adventure and excitement

He will 100% condone this certain behavior and if he happens to find something rather exciting but you aren't there with him, be prepared for a towering eel man to come bounding towards you to carry you off to said excitement

Floyd is clearly all about physical touch. Holding, squeezing, having a hand on your shoulder, your head..... yeah, he's a touchy guy

And all for quality time as well. Someone willing to spend time with him? Someone who he is completely in love with and knowing that said feelings are returned?

Congrats, he is all yours now

Chill time often takes place within his room... half the time he falls asleep, but he looks so adorable, you can't even begin to think of waking him up

He will absolutely cling onto the things that are of current interest to you. You guys are the same in that regard, having bursts of hyper-fixations at any given time

He loves your clingy nature

Because this man is the same

Y'all feed off of each other

..... please come see him at work in the lounge (Jade and Azul aren't begging..... maybe... Floyd just does so much better when you're there to see him)

More than once, he has fallen asleep to the sound of your voice. Not that your ramblings bored him, no, your voice is just so soothing to him that he couldn't help it

Expect to stay with this guy for r the rest of your life, he isn't letting go

Thank you for your request!

[tagalongifyoudare]

The Fear of Repeated Disappointment

As I once again fall into my semi regular 911 spiral, I feel my anxiety continuing to rise, which sucks.

I am so scared that a similar thing will happen with 911, at least to some degree, that happened with Supernatural. Supernatural was my comfort show, my underlying obsession, a reassuring constant as new fixations came and went. I used to watch at least my favorite episodes every few months for almost 15 years. I have not watched it since watching the final episode. The way they ended it, invalidating so much love, resilience and struggle in the process hurt so much, I just don't know how to love it again.

I don't think this will happen 100% with 911 because it consistently has WAY fewer problems, and I have WAY more confidence in the writers/producers/etc. There are also so many more areas in which I trust they will end the stories well. AND I know myself well enough to know that if Buddie does not go cannon by the final episode of the show, a part of me will always be sad, disappointed, and upset when I rewatch it.

To me, it has always felt and looked as if Eddie was intended, since his first introduction to be the eventual and final love interest of Buck. (I have endless things to say about this, so hit me up if you are interested!) That being said, I think that up until the last few seasons, there is a strong argument for this just being "seeing what I want to see". NOW however, this no longer feels applicable.

I can no longer see a justification for them loving each other as only friends. I have friends who are more like family, as in, I would not be 100% surprised to be named as the responsible party for their child in the event of their death. I know what this kind of love is, what it looks like and it is NOT how they relate to each other, at least not any more. Both Oliver and Ryan are amazing actors, and have made these changes by choice. From what I know of them they are both good people, and would not knowingly lead on their fans...

It makes me feel torn constantly between optimism and pessimism, between hope and the realities of my experiences, between thinking the world can change, and feeling as if hate and ignorance will always win out.

Because for me, that is what it now comes down to. If one of them was female OR a bi or gay side character instead the two 'straight' leading males THEY WOULD BE END GAME. Without question. Without a doubt. No matter what. So, to me, it has now become a question of if a show on Fox will truly be the first show (at least in my knowledge) to have both of its leading "straight" characters actually fall for each other? I just don't know, and that is what scares me.

Based on my experience, they won't. And yet....they have handled so many stories that I thought they would do a poor job with, and they have done well. They haven't forgot about plot lines that I assumed they would.... I find myself trusting them more then I have with most previous shows, but still.... It just makes me wish I could trust that this world was filled with a little more love, acceptance and freedom...

I really really hope that 911 can do what Supernatural, Merlin, Sherlock and countless others have failed to do. I want it to give me validation, hope, joy. To say I will cry if it actually happens in an understatement. With so many heroes being revealed to be villains recently, it would be something quite spectacular to have 911 actually validate love coming in all different forms, at different times, and in unexpected ways.

[yanderemeganekko]

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so scared for my health, I feel like there's no hope sometimes.

My reflux has been getting worse. Eating small meals every 3-4 hours isn't enough, leaving out all the irritating foods isn't enough, the medicine and all the little changes and everything, feels like it does nothing. I still wake up to the burning at night, I feel nauseous from both eating and not eating. There's no comfort, and there's no help.

Speaking of the burning at night, consistent sleep has become a luxury. At some point last week I started waking up at night, and it's getting worse every night. It takes me an hour or more to fall asleep, and I wake up every other hour to either pain or anxiety, and then I can't fall asleep again. I force myself to fall asleep through the stress and discomfort, and manage to sleep enough hours, but I can tell the quality of rest is worse.

I'm also getting constant hot flashes and muscle spasms, and have trouble getting deep full breaths sometimes. I occasionally feel light-headed and my blood pressure has been a bit low (100/68 on average or so), which is scary as fuck because I have no idea why. Sure, I could chalk up the hot flashes and spasms to stress, but I can't explain the low blood pressure. Isn't stress supposed to raise your blood pressure?

I wish I had an explanation for anything that's happening with my body. I originally thought the hot flashes were just the diabetes lowering my heat tolerance, but I get them constantly even with the weather cooling down.

And the blood pressure and shortness of breath? What if I have a problem with my heart? I'm hypochondriac and one of the things my anxiety fixates on is the thought of developing a heart-related hypofunction. It's irrational, especially given my EKG results have always been good, and any chest pains can be explained away by the reflux. But I've never had anything but a short EKG done, so there's nothing to relieve the anxiety.

Of course all of this could be done away with if the healthcare system wasn't fighting me to death. The doctors I've dealt with have been nice but obviously overworked, and constantly 'reassure' me that I probably don't have any severe conditions on the account of my age and gender.

And the nurses that take the calls at the call center are a nightmare. I just burst into tears mid-call with one because I asked if, in addition to having a gastroscopy scheduled (which she seemed apprehensive about already), I could meet up with a doctor to discuss my other symptoms, but she dismissed it and said, near verbatim, that "well, you just need to find your own method of dealing with the stress that's causing them". I had no idea how to continue, so I just tried to stifle my sobs and told her thank you and goodbye, and hung up. What the hell was I even supposed to say?

I have no idea what to do. I could probably afford a quick check-up with a private doctor, but there's no way I can afford the expensive follow-up tests or examinations they might assign.

I don't even have anyone I can meaningfully talk to or receive comfort. My partner and most good friends live an ocean away, my dad is emotionally constipated and prone to freaking out, and my roommate might just hate me. All I can think lately is how I just want to see my partner again.

I think about my mom a lot, how I'd feel so much better just talking to her. How much I just wanna see her again even once. How I watched her slowly die in pain and misery. How I keep getting diagnosed with all the same problems, how long do I have to live, how little do I have to live, if I get to ever see my partner again, much less have a life with him. I just want to see him. I just want to live.

I'm just so scared and feel so alone. I just want something, anything good to happen. I can't take this anymore. Please.

[ghoulciifer]

Heey😊 Could you do a headcanon about shinsou and hawks with a partner who has ptsd, please?

hc: Shinsou and Hawks with an s/o who has ptsd.

tw: ptsd, abuse (emotional and physical), blood

tags: hurt/comfort, mental health, recovery

notes: hi anon, ty for sending in this request ❥ i sincerely hope that you are okay and doing well. please know i am by no means a therapist but i do hope these hc’s bring you comfort. be safe and don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to ❥

» i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, shinsou is a very caring and understanding human and will not hesitate to express that to someone he cares deeply for

» so when he learns his s/o has ptsd? of course he’s going to comfort you and make it very clear he’ll support you through anything.

» you two were out getting coffee one day, enjoying the cloudy weather bc you knew that meant the amount of people out and about would be scarce (cute lil’ emos)

» and while you were in line waiting to order you engaged in some idle chatter, his hand resting on your lower back, debating whose drink of choice was the best boy thinks he knows shit bc he lives off caffeine PFFF

» it was finally your turn to order but the second you made it to the counter your entire body froze

» the barista must’ve been new because you’ve never seen his face here before, and you would’ve easily avoided the place had you known because he looked identical to your abusive ex

» shinsou’s never seen that asshole before, so he gets a bit confused when he feels your body tense up and wonders why you’re not responding to the barista asking for your order

» you’re sweating bullets and all of the sudden it feels like your chest is turning in on itself, the anxiety and stress on your body making bile threaten to rise in your throat but all you can do is stand there with wide eyes fixated on anything but him

» shinsou’s quick to take the intitiative and order for the both of you before gently ushering you to the corner of the shop, sitting you down at an isolated booth and sitting in front of you to sheild you from any passerby while you try to calm down

» “Hey it’s okay, kitten, shhh... take your time, I’m right here. It’s just me and you.”

» he knows you get like this when experiencing one of your triggers, being the attentive boyfriend he is, so instead of pestering you and potentially making things worse he’s trying to deduce what the cause of your panic attack was

» all while holding your hand or rubbing your back in soothing strokes; unless physical contact isn’t the way to go for you, in which case he’ll shush your tears away and whisper words of affirmation your way at a respectful distance

» does not leave your side until you’ve recovered (even though the barista called his name 20 mins ago but you’re WAY more important)

» once he sees you’ve calmed down significantly, he’ll remind you he’s here for you and tells you you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to

» but you decide to explain to him why you just shut down all of the sudden and how you actually feel bad bc you know it’s not the barista’s fault he looks like your shitwad ex who inflicted so much trauma on you

» shinsou will definitely have to swallow the anger that follows when he hears how that asshole is still making you feel less than what you deserve BUT doesn’t let that show at all

» instead he’ll soak up every word that falls from your lips and nod intently, holding your hand and rubbing the knuckles w his thumb, putting a lil kiss there every now and then he’s so fuckin sweet

» he’ll tell you that you shouldn’t feel bad, that no one can ever really control their triggers, and that he’s so grateful you’re out of that situation and he’ll never let you experience something like that ever again

» eventually (once your breathing has regulated) you ask him about your coffees and he’s like “oh yea”

» your drinks are cold by the time he goes to get them but neither of you really care, he’s just glad you’re okay and you’re happy to be there with him

» shinsou never fails to make you feel safe when you’re around him and you’ve never felt so loved <3

» bird brain is also a very kind and considerate boyfriend, i refuse to believe he’s this suave womanizer like i’ve seen some people portray (which is ok !! just not what i see tbh)

» i also believe that he knows a thing or two about ptsd so he’ll 100% understand what you’re dealing with and how to handle it

» in that case you two would help each other through your triggers when they occur (just supportive couple tings, uwu)

» so it’s no surprise he’s dropping everything to run to you when you call him, completely panicked at home while he’s at work

» you were cutting up some fruits and veggies for yours and hawks’ bento boxes for the week, you liked doing so on your day off so you wouldn’t have to worry about it when you got busy

» unfortunately your winged boyfriend couldn’t be there to annoy you help like he usually does because he ended up needing to finish some extra paperwork at the agency

» so you were in the kitchen by yourself, jammin’ out to your favorite songs, hips swaying as you carefully cut up your produce

» however after a particularly good song blasted through the speakers, you started loosening up and weren’t being as careful anymore

» the blade of the knife nicked the tip of your finger and you immediately dropped its handle, clutching your hand with a hiss

» initially you were just focused on finding something to stop the bleeding and found a stray kitchen towel to do the job, but something about the scene before you seemed much too familiar...

» memories of fights with your abusive ex flooded your mind as you watched the towel stain crimson, taking you back to the numerous times you had to do this very action when he took his anger out on you by flinging whatever object he had on his person at your shaking frame

» suddenly the room began to spin and it felt as if your chest was caving in on itself as you held onto your wrist, fingernails leaving indents at the skin

» your body moved for the phone on instinct texting hawks with only one word, it was all you could muster with your hands shaking and tears clouding your vision

» the minute he saw the word “panic” flash across his screen? best believe he was reaching for the first exit to fly home at mach fuckin’ 20

» luckily the agency was fairly close to the apt. so it took him less than 5 minutes to be by your side, opting to land on the balcony instead of going through the main building

» “Y/N? Everything okay??”

» he frantically searched the house before finding you curled up on the kitchen floor and clutching to a bloody towel against the cabinetry

» he caught a glimpse of the fruit on the cutting board and quickly determined what happened before kneeling beside you to pull you into his lap, stroking your hair for a moment before prying your wrist away from your chest to inspect the damage

» “Shhh, dove, it’s okay, I’m here... I’m just gonna take a look, okay? We gotta stop the bleeding, I’ve got you, sweet (girl/boy).”

» your tear stained, puffy, red face makes his heart ache but he waits for you to nod before removing the towel

» gives you a kiss to the temple after determining you do in fact need to be bandaged up and scoops you off of the floor, holding you close to his chest

» he’ll take you to the bathroom and get you fixed up before pulling your head to his chest, arms wrapped around you and hands rubbing your back as you come down from your panicked state

» you don’t even have to explain anything to him bc he just knows, he’s well aware of the stories you told him of past relationships and how you got those scars on your body.

» also becomes furious every time but will not let it show, all he cares about is keeping you grounded as you listen to his heartbeat against your cheek

» you murmur a soft “thank you” to him once the tears cease and he simply hums in response, reminding you no thanks is necessary because he does this out of his deep love for you.

» “You’ll never have to feel unsafe again, dove, I’ll always come to you... I’ll always be right here.”

[jebazzled]

troubleshooting: common quandaries and thots to overcome

It's no surprise that people whose major hobby involves writing, the internet, and fandom are often people who carry a lot of anxiety and tension around with them. For many of us, writing is something we do to escape, relax, unwind, and flex creative muscles we might not get to use at work or school. I get it.

For many of us, however, it also seems like forum rp is a stressor, a cause of great anxiety and insecurity. We've all seen or known people who go through a major rp-related crisis.

Sometimes, these crises are truly major - catastrophic falling-outs and permanently damaging rumor mills and etc etc. But a lot of the time? Well. It's not that it's "in your head," because obviously what you are feeling is very valid. But I think sometimes the way we think of internet spaces fuels dysfunctional thinking.

This isn't quite a tutorial; it's more in the vein of my tough love re: writer's block. I'm going to talk through some common scenarios, anxieties, and other issues I see in the rp community, and offer my (fully unsolicited) thoughts and advice. As always, your mileage may vary, but I'm trying!

Topics covered, because this one is a LONGBOI:

Insecurity & thread reactions

Insecurity & completionism/ Being Liked

Jealousy (especially ship-related)

The server is not therapy.

So here's the thing about the internet: for better or worse, it's for everyone.

On the far end of the spectrum, this means that the internet is a great incubator for toxic garbage. See: right-wing radicals, etc. But for most of us, this means that there is room on the internet for weird little me and my weird little hobby. You can find a community to talk about virtually any interest. You, for example, found the rp community.

So here's the thing about the internet: for better or worse, it's for everyone. This means that while you can find a community to talk about virtually any interest, you are never going to find a community that is completely without flaws.

There will always be people who annoy you, rub you the wrong way, or who you think are mean-spirited and negative. There will always be someone you don't get along with. There will always be people who disagree with you.

I have been in servers where members come to me time and time again to complain about other members, as though I am going to boot someone for wanting to talk about x just because they, personally, are sick of hearing about x. I am not going to tell someone to change their personality because someone else, personally, finds it annoying.

Offline, you wouldn't tell your manager at Starbucks to fire Susie because you don't like talking to her. You would simply not talk to her outside of a professional context. You would simply not take your break at the same time as her. You would simply not make small talk with her when the store is quiet and would instead, like, read the liner notes on whatever CD is at the register. (Does Starbucks still sell CDs?)

There will always be people in your community who you do not like and whose logic does not make sense to you. If they are not doing anything genuinely abusive, they have as much right to be in your community as you do. There is, in fact, likely someone in your community who finds you somewhat annoying. C'est la vie.

A community is not an environment custom-curated to your exact specifications. It is a community. You are not entitled to it being perfect. You are entitled to a space free from harassment and bigotry. If the space is free from harassment and bigotry and you cannot enjoy the space because someone else in it is existing harmlessly in a way that you dislike or find irritating, you have the option to leave the community. Discord server links are not a binding contract!

This is all to say: I think a lot of us expect far more of our online communities than is fair. Remember that every single person in your server is an individual human being with an interior life as rich as your own, and a list of neuroses possibly as extensive. None of them, yourself included, are perfect.

Oh, speaking of that list of neuroses! Let's tackle it, babe.

Your neuroses are not anyone else's problem.

It is on you to work through and overcome your anxieties and insecurities.

It is kind of other people to accommodate your growth, or to modify their behavior so as not to trigger your anxieties and insecurities. They are by no means required to do so.

Note: they do need to respect your triggers, if you have them and list them.

So here we go: troubleshooting frequent freak-outs. Buckle up!!!

Insecurity & thread reactions (or lack thereof)

Some people experience a lot of anxiety and insecurity around how their writing partners react to their threads. This might surface in the form of feeling unappreciated/disliked if the thread partner doesn't drop an emoji react on the link in your server's tag channel, or in feeling like no one likes your writing because they aren't swooning over it in #affirmations/ #thread-shoutouts/ #quotables/ etc.

You are serving as both texters in this meme.

So... you don't actually know what's going on with your thread partner at any given moment, you know? Personally, here are some possible scenarios with me as your thread partner:

You tag me and I put a passage from your post in #thread-shoutouts: I am at my desk, on my computer, not engaged in active DM conversation with anyone, and your post either made me cackle or it made me emo

You tag me and I DM you to gush about it: there's a lot happening in the server right now/ I don't want to derail a public conversation

You tag me and I react with an emoji: I am at date night with my girlfriend and she is in the bathroom. I have had time to read your post. I probably haven't put it in my tracker and will try and remember later, when I find it in one of 100 tabs open on Safari on my phone.

You tag me and I don't react at all: I am swamped with work and read your post in between emails. Instead of taking a second to react I immediately jumped into my tracker to log your reply, and now I am back to emails.

You'll notice none of these rationales are: "I don't react at all because I dislike you as a human." "I actively chose to quote Susie in #thread-shoutouts and not you because I want to hurt you." "I don't DM you about our thread because I hate our thread."

It doesn't have to be that deep! Stop hurting yourself. Let yourself assume the kindest option. After all, don't you want people to assume the best of you, too?

If your thread partners know you value emoji reacts or thread shoutouts, it is kind of them to do them. But it isn't inherently unkind for them not to, either. You're better off trying to kick that need for public validation.

Overview for addressing thread reaction insecurity:

If your server has a thread shoutout/quotables/etc channel, mute it. Don't look at it. Stop giving yourself something to fixate on.

When you are worried that someone hates a thread because they aren't giving emoji reacts, instead of building a narrative in your head that may or may not be true - communicate! "What beats do you want us to make sure we hit in this thread?" is a good introductory question to see if a thread is doing something for either or both of you, and gives your partner a chance to say something if they do want it to go in a different direction and would be more excited.

If someone is continuing to write with you, regardless of whether they post an emoji, it is probably because they enjoy writing with you!

Be deliberate about your thread premises! In my experience, threads done "just because" without a specific purpose (e.g. building chemistry between ship partners, introducing a subplot about a cursed hairbrush, kidnapping a house elf) are the first to lose steam and lose interest. It's entirely possible that someone likes you, likes writing with you, and simply doesn't prioritize this thread above their others because there's nothing meaningful to prioritize!

Keep your eyes on your own paper and stop reading so much into what other people do or don't do. It's probably not that deep!

Insecurity & completionism/ Being Liked

You would not be the first person to exacerbate their own problems because of a sense of duty to the spirit of completionism. Here's the thing, friend:

You do not need to write with every member.

You do not need to plot with every character.

You do not need to be in every subplot.

You do not need to have a character in every member group.

People fall into this trap thinking that if they can be everything to everyone, it will make them popular/important/beloved/a truly included member of the site.

But quantity is not the same as quality. You might have a thread with every character onsite but if half those threads are under a "they're on the same bus" premise, then yeah, people aren't going to want to keep up with that thread, and it's going to contribute to your thread reaction anxiety!

Write characters you are excited about. But more importantly: write plots you are excited about. Write threads you are excited about. You can be friends with people in your server without writing with them! You are better off writing a smaller number of really well-plotted, juicy plots that everyone involved feels heavily invested in than in writing a lot of watery threads for the sake of writing with every single person. It's hard to believe, but many people would rather NOT have a thread and wait until there's a juicy reason to than write a thread that doesn't have any development relevance simply for the sake of it.

If you're finding that it's hard to find juicy or plot-driven reasons to thread with many people, that might be a hint to write different types of characters. While yes, people exist who are very self-contained and isolated, the purpose of rp isn't to be a direct mirror of real life. It's to have fun while writing with other people. If your character is not fun to write with other people, they are probably not a good fit for an rp setting.

RP is not a popularity contest. This is not high school. No one is voting for prom queen. Be kind and be open to ideas and collaboration and people will like you. People will enjoy writing with you! People might even go out of their way to write with you. And they will be writing things that matter to both of you. That's winning, dude.

You might be tempted to pinpoint a "popular group" in the server and fix your sights on becoming one of them. This is also a failing proposition: often the "popular group" you might first identify is incorrect, and you are mistaking "exclusivity" for "importance." Sometimes sites have a small, tight-knit group with intricate inter-group plots and a very visibly closed-off dynamic. Since that dynamic mirrors the popular girls you were raised watching in teen movies, I can understand why you would assume that these people are the most important people to befriend on a site. They're not. They're cliquey and exclusive, and trying to get them to make room for you when they have intentionally and performatively set themselves aside from many other members is like... lmao, dude, it's not going to work.

Not only that, but the fact that these people are hard to pin down? It's not a selling point! The most beloved members on any site are not the ones who make you beg for a scrap of their attention. The most beloved members are the people who are friendly and kind. THAT is who you want to Get In with.

Overview for addressing completionism tendencies and "what if I'm Left Out" woes:

This is not a popularity contest, and you are a grown up. Focus on having fun and enjoying writing. That is not something you can do if your first priority is Getting In with the people you think are a site's "Popular Crowd."

You do not need to be everything to everyone. You cannot be everything to everyone.

In fact, everyone will appreciate you more if you do less and you do it well.

Focus on the positive. Who cares if Susie and Sally won't write with you? Sarah and Sam love writing with you! Yes, it would make sense for Susie to plot with you because your characters work together - but again, this is a hobby, not real life, and if you and Susie don't vibe, your characters don't need to interact! Why write with people who make you feel insecure? Trick question; there's NO reason to!

I understand the drive to be well-liked. Trust! I, too, desperately want to be well-liked. You'll have better luck if you don't try so hard. Be yourself and make friends with people who genuinely like you. Stop worrying about what the site's yearbook will look like. There isn't going to be a fucking yearbook.

Jealousy (especially ship-related)

Do you ever find yourself feeling a spike of anxiety or resentment when one of your favorite writing partners writes with someone else?

This reaction is especially common where ships are concerned: when one partner writes AU ships with their character, or has a plot with their character's previous partners before their OTP, etc.

It's a bit territorial, and it's not a good look, friends!

Your writing partners get to write with other people. How much they enjoy writing with other people has nothing to do with how much they enjoy writing with you. How much they write with other people has nothing to do with you. What they write has nothing to do with you. It's not all about you!

It truly doesn't matter how anxious you feel when your writing partners write with other people. They are entitled to write with whoever they want! What makes you nervous about them writing with other people?

In a forum rp environment, the best way to secure fulfilling, satisfying character arcs for your character is to plot with multiple others. That includes you, on both fronts: your writing partner needs you for their character's development as much as you need them! They aren't going to just stop writing with you arbitrarily.

If they do stop writing with you, there is probably a reason! Are they still on the site? Are they still writing? Are they going through something in real life that might impact their muse? There could be a hundred reasons why they are writing more with Susie now than they were with you, and they could be anything from "Susie is out of town this week so I want to give her a lot of replies to come home to" to "a ladder fell on my head and I am recovering from a concussion" to, possibly, "your territorial behavior makes me uncomfortable, and I would rather write with people who do not make me feel bad about writing with other people."

This behavior is especially weird in a ship context, and is something worth unpacking. When you write ships, do you resent/get anxious about your ship partner writing AU ship threads? About their character having previous partners? About their character having crushes that they do not act on?

An AU ship is an alternate universe specifically because it is not real. Susie and Sally shacking up in a space AU has no bearing over whether or not Susie and Marco end up together as finals.

Just like human beings have romantic history, it makes sense for characters to have romantic history, and these plots give your writing partner an opportunity to write plots that they might not get with you. For example, your writing partner might want to write a breakup plot with weird friendship tensions, which might not be a relevant vibe for Susie and Marco. But your partner can explore that with Marco and Sally. Again: it's not all about you, and your writing partner gets to write what they want, and you do, too.

Sometimes I think we can trace the territorial side of ship-oriented plotting to toxic monogamy culture, as described here. Particularly relevant are the below:

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

Your writing partner is not cheating on your ship by giving their character other ships. If it feels that way to you, you are getting too emotionally invested, and you should probably back off of ship-oriented plotting for a while to unpack why you are feeling this way.

That said, of course be clear about boundaries. This applies both to M-rated content and to parameters of plotting. For example, you might tell your partner that you are not interested in a plot whose core conflict is "will they or won't they." You want to write these characters with the longevity of their relationship never in doubt. You might not want a plot where one character is cheating on the other. You might want these characters to be monogamous. That's fair! It's not fair for you to expect your writing partner to limit the plots they do that do not actually involve your character to avoid triggering your insecurities.

Overview for dealing with jealousy:

It's not all about you! Your writing partners deserve to have a good time as much as you deserve to have a good time. They can enjoy writing with you AND writing with someone else.

Be very clear with your boundaries. If there are plots between your character and another character that you cannot write, let your partner know before they accidentally step in a minefield.

Be willing to step away from ships. There are plenty of plots that do not involve ships. If ships make you a jealous and anxious mess, you should stop writing ships and work on that journey. It is more important to be a good writing partner than it is to write romantic ships.

Writing is such a personal thing, and we all of course connect very deeply to our characters - it only makes sense that we be invested in their outcomes! But if your gut reaction is one of jealousy, this is something that you need to work on, not something your writing partners should need to tiptoe around.

The server is not therapy.

Because rp is an online hobby, it can be easy to forget that every person you interact with in the server or forum is also a whole ass person on the other side of the screen. Which is to say, your rp friends do not exist to be your emotional support.

Of course they can be supportive - some of my closest friends are people I have met through rp! But online as in real life, you need to remember that everyone is always going through something. You are never the only person in the world who needs support, and you need to be thoughtful in how you engage with your friends here.

Do you listen when they share their problems, or do you immediately change the subject to talk more about your own? Do they not share their problems at all - is this a one-sided close friendship? Are the majority of your DMs to them seeking comfort, advice, affirmation, validation?

If you need a text-based counseling service, BetterHelp can connect you with a therapist. A therapist is a person whose job is to listen and ask nothing from you for their own personal emotional needs.

Your friends - online as in real life - are not therapists. They will not always have the bandwidth to help you. They will not always feel comfortable helping you. The internet breeds a sense of intimacy, the idea that regular chat conversation makes for a deep knowledge of another person. And of course this is sometimes the case! But in many cases, the person you are asking for psychoanalysis in the DMs on Discord doesn't actually know you very well. And if you have been relying on them for emotional support, you might be wearing them out.

Overview for not treating your rp friends like therapists:

Be thoughtful. If you have something heavy you want to talk about, first ask if they have the bandwidth. For example: "Hi Susie! Do you have the energy to give me some advice on x work issue?"

Listen. If your friend wants to talk about their issues, stop thinking about how you can relate and it sounds just like that time you... and just LISTEN. If you want to offer advice, keep it about them. If you don't know how to help, commiserate. "That's rough, buddy."

Self-check. Look at your chat history as though it's between your friend and someone you've never met. What do you think of this person? Are they a good listener? Do they reciprocate the support they get from your friend? Do they remember things your friend tells them about their own life? Or is this a one-sided conversation? If you're realizing that you're leaning too much on this friend, give them some space. If you're realizing you've gone way overboard leaning on this friend, maybe apologize and promise to be more conscientious going forward.

Be considerate. Remember that every person you know from the internet is so much more than what you've seen - I don't mean that in a "all internet users are creeps" way, I mean that in a "even if you've chatted in a server with some every day for six months, you still don't actually know them super well." Think of other people you've spent Some Time with. Think of your lab partner in 8th grade bio. You shared a desk with them for an hour a day five days a week for two thirds of the year. How much of your life did you share with them?

This tutorial got LONG - sorry, friends! Lots to talk about. I'm always happy to give Real TalksTM like this one. Feel free to drop into my askbox if you have a topic you'd like me to cover. I'm full of thoughts and feelings, and it would give me great joy for y'all to ask for them for once.

I hope this is helpful, and wish all y'all the best. Happy writing!

[learningmorelikerambling]

We're on our third day (early morning) of vyvanse, and I got this sudden urge to look into effects of ADHD medication in general and on people without ADHD. I thought to myself, "Well, maybe reading a big ol' paper on it will be a nice test of the effects on me in particular."

I wrote a whole paragraph here and then accidentally deleted it... on mobile... so I can't undo...

Note to future self: Write all important school or work related papers and notes on desktop.

Okay, let's try this again.

I'm tired. Exhausted. Didn't sleep well. Kind of anxious.* While reading, however, I just kind of... stayed focused? There was some conscious stubbornness going on, so placebo is probably involved, but I'd like to think the vyvanse is helping. (We're on a very low dose.)

My mind wandered like usual, but I was always able to connect my thoughts back to the topic and not get distracted from the reading. I paused to look up definitions (something we usually only have the energy to do when we're hyperfixated), and then quickly went back to the paper when I understood (something I absolutely cannot do when I'm hyperfixated; the fixation ends up on the next thing, then the next thing... very focused on the topic but can't stay on target). I also saved a paper on the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (I feel like I'm faking intelligence by using basic biological terms for the brain lol) because it's a) relevant, b) interesting, and c) of exactly the field I want to study academically when I can.

Where the fuck was I

Right, so the mind being in all sorts of places thing hasn't gone away, but part of me managed to stay on topic. (Vague thought: Maybe related to multiplicity? It'd be good to eventually determine what symptoms are ADHD, what's the system, what's autism, what's anxiety, or sleep deprivation...)

What made me think the vyvanse really is doing something is when the paper started talking about IQ. (Which is bullshit. Here's a good video on that. Maybe we'll go through his sources in another test of focus, heh.) Something we always, always do is immediately lose interest in a source when it starts saying what we know with 100% certainty is bullshit. We know that doesn't make the entire paper nonvaluable, or the research false, or the findings irrelevant—but we're always fighting the little focus demon looking for any excuse to wander off, and motivation to continue just plummets. But today... it was fairly easy to keep going. I thought to myself that I should be skeptical of opinions implied in the piece, but it was still important for me to get through it. And then I just kinda... kept going. Kept being interested.

The reason it's so important is that we need to be able to get through and absorb information like this. We need to be able to study. And psychological research, especially, is important—because that's the field we want to go into.

I want to build a career.

This is getting long, so I'll put my summized understanding of the article in a cut reblog on desktop. (This is basically an examination of my own mental processes, hehe. Self-study.)

*The symptoms of anxiety have faded while writing this post. I may need to take a break though bc I can tell I'm gonna burn out here.

[redvoid-40]

Ok but have you considered: a blushing Kazekage with a former honeypot kunoichi s/o; he’s all self conscious about sex and wondering if he measures up (when he’s not turning as read as his hair thinking about it).

I have very strong feelings about this, so brace yourself for a long-ass answer. :D (also I had to google what honeypot meant and what I found was just someone who’s very pretty and desirable so I went with it =.=)

So, while I think Gaara would be very comfortable and open with his SO once in a well-established relationship, on the beginning he wouldn’t know what to do with himself! Specially if his SO was a cutie-pie who’s already used to drawing attention because of her looks.

I mean, in ‘Gaara Hidden: a Sandstorm Marriage’ he gets all flustered when he meets his prospect wife because she’s beautiful, and he doesn’t even have real feelings for her since it was the first time they ever met (I didn’t read the novel, just the wiki story so there may be more to it than that). So I imagine he would be even more embarrassed once he found himself having sexual thoughts about the woman he DOES care about for the first time.

And most likely he and his SO wouldn’t even be dating then. I head-canon that Gaara would fall in love slowly with a SO that was his friend for years, so he wouldn’t even realize it was happening. Also, I see Gaara as a demisexual, so he wouldn’t have experienced sexual desire in the way most teenagers do once they hit puberty, so that would be uncharted territory for him as well.

At first he’d catch himself losing focus when in close contact with her. Suddenly, catching a whiff of her scent at an accidental brushing shoulders made his brain go haywire as he was hit with the urge of pulling her against him and burying his face in her neck. Talking alone with her made him lose focus as his eyes hyper-fixated on her lips, imagining what they would taste like and what sounds they’d make if he were to kiss them.  Training together made the most inappropriate scenarios dance in his head, and suddenly they were in the bedroom and she was sweating and breathing hard on his mattress instead of training fields.

And of course Gaara would find himself all shades of red every time he caught himself thinking those thoughts, stammering a two-words excuse as he put some space between them. He had never felt like that before and he didn’t know what to do with those wants.

First he’d be ashamed with himself because he’d see those thoughts as disrespectful towards his precious friend. She wasn’t a piece of meat! He had no right imagining her in those positions!

He’d most likely talk it over with Kankuro and Temari and the whole thing would feel more like a confession than a conversation between siblings. Kankuro and Temari would laugh so much they’d risk bursting an hernia before reassuring Gaara what he was feeling was completely normal, and encouraged him on acting on those feelings. 

And by encouraged I mean they developed a whole action plan for his little brother (those two had been watching that relationship develop for years; they knew what was happening before any of them did and they wanted it to hAPPEN ALREADY).

After days (if not weeks) of dealing with his new emotions and accepting them Gaara would be hit with another type of anxiety: what if his friend (ahem*crush*ahem) didn’t feel the same way? She was the most beautiful woman Gaara had ever met, and he knew other people saw it too. And after coming to terms about his feelings for her he noticed how these other people actually knew what to do with their feelings towards her. 

He started to notice when his friend was being flirted with by someone else and it made him feel insecure as hell. Other people were smooth, they knew how to smile just right as they sneakily invited her out in a date while making it sound like a casual thing between friends; they complimented her looks with no shame or hesitance, and they always tried to pull her away from him for some alone time.

Gaara hated witnessing those interactions, but he didn’t do anything about it. His friend deserved the attention she got, not only because of her looks (while they intimidated him, they were not the reason he felt the way he did) but because she was a wonderful person. She was kind and loving, and she deserved someone who knew what they were doing instead of a boy like him who took months to understand and accept his feelings. 

But, what baffled him, was that she always deflected any advances made towards her. She was always polite and kind, but still she shot down her suitors one by one.

Gaara watched it with his heart in his throat. If she didn’t want any of the actually experienced people, what chance did he have?

Kankuro and Temari would have to peel his eyes open and show him the reason she denied all those people was that she was waiting for him to make a move. Gaara wouldn’t believe at first, but it still was enough to plant a seed of hope in his heart. The “inappropriate” thoughts he tried to snuff for so long came back full force; not only during eventual moments he had with his friend but also unprompted.

When Gaara laid in bed at night he’d picture her there with him, imagine all the things they could do together and, for the first time in his life I believe, he’d jack off to thoughts of her, muffling his moans and “I love you”s in his pillow.

For a few days Gaara would blush every time he and his friend met, and I think it would be her who would notice the signs.

Signs Temari and Kankuro told her about as they practically begged her to take the first step and ask Gaara out in an official romantic date.

The poor girl had been in the same boat, saving her wants for herself for fear of pushing unrequited feelings into her friend. Gaara was so sweet he might feel actually guilty if he didn’t return her feelings, and she didn’t want that.

But after watching him blush around her and feeling his hand tremble in her when she grabbed it (something that didn’t happen before) she decided it was time to risk it.

She kissed him. Gaara was 100% taken aback but once his brain caught up with what was happening he pulled her flush against him and kissed her back as if his life depended on it. It was a clumsy and inexperienced kiss but it was the kick-start for a long and healthy relationship.

Once that he knew his feelings were reciprocated Gaara became much more open about his sexual desires so, while he still blushed and trembled on all of their firsts (make-out sessions, second and third base, sex) he didn’t have to deal with that horrible anxiety anymore.

In short: Gaara pined for months, struggled to accept his emotions and sexuality, but in the end got the girl.

[beingdreeyore]

I’m tired today. Not just ‘lack of sleep’ tired, but that soul deep tired that happens when too many emotional and stressful things have happened too close together. Like getting hammered by a set of waves that leaves you lying on the sand, coughing up water, unsure of which way is up.

Am I coping okay? Honestly? I don’t know. I mean, I cried at work yesterday again because they won’t give me a computer that works, which I need in order to do my job.

I’m back to having anxiety over the guy from work again. I don’t want to have to find out if he is going to go back to treating me as poorly as he used to. It was so innocent and sweet when it began - and that’s still there. I feel it on those long chats - but he’s proven he is 100% unprepared to change anything, so aren’t we just entering into yet another cycle on the carousel? But he’s also my biggest support right now... It’s difficult without him and it’s difficult feeling braced against his past behaviours. So I’m anxious. They have to have some big soul deep chats themselves, and when they do, if it involves them staying together (which I suspect it will given how allergic he is to change and given how happy she is to be treated poorly), his hand will be forced to cut me off anyway. At least if he’s honest with her it will. If he’s not... Well... Pretty much everyone knows what happens when he’s not honest (including her, I suspect). So I’m braced for all of that. I still believe that he’s inherently good, even if sometimes his decision-making complicates that picture when it comes to me. But I can’t go back to being ignored 2.5 days a week and then having him blow up my phone the other 4.5. I can’t do that again.

Then there was that last call to work.

That last patient will be with me all day. It wasn’t the sort of thing anyone leaves behind at the hospital, regardless of their experience level. I’ve come home. Eaten breakfast in the sunshine. Put washing on. Done a body weight circuit. She’s been with me for all of it. She was drowning, both literally and metaphorically, and it feels a little like I don't have the strength to stop her from dragging me under with her today. When we left her, we all walked away silently. Stuck in what we’d just witnessed. Painfully aware of the errors of the team from the day before.

So I sat in the sunshine and let it warm my body. I closed my eyes and thought of home. I focused on the good things. There aren’t a lot, but there are always some if I just look for them. The exercise helped too. Now I need to distract myself from all of it. I need to keep busy and occupied. I need to not fixate on past hurt. He said he will try to do better. Forgiveness means not punishing for past mistakes, so I don’t get to bring up the past, it wouldn’t be fair. In giving us another chance to be better at this, I have to be better at trusting too. While he is trying, I also have to try. I can’t get angry about past mistakes and I have to give him a fair chance to change things.

But I hate that it’s like this. I hate that something that happens so innocently and so naturally, that makes the world feel wrong when it’s not around, requires this much brain power. Because it should’t. It wouldn’t. If only he had chosen differently. 

He chose what he chose though and now really, it feels like just one more thing bringing me stress as I try to navigate it. And that sucks, because it wouldn’t have been that way if he’d chosen differently. We’ve already proven that. Every time we sink into one of those long chats, we prove it. 

Thinking of any of that will get me nowhere today though. So I can’t. I need to keep moving and keep looking for the good. I need to wait patiently to see if I do hear from him. I need to forgive him and reassess if I don't. Also, I need to sleep. At some point I need to find a way to give into those waves of fatigue and let them drag me down into sleep before anything else drags me down. I need to push her and work far from my mind and take a break from it all so I can make it through another week. 

[777horns333rats]

trans OCD, doubt, and the internet

11/30/2020

tw, doubt, dysphoria, a bunch of other crappy trans related problems

today i made the very moronic decision of posting a tik tok venting about dysphoria today. i received multiple comments from 16 year olds telling me to “google tocd.” what i found in the results was honestly very dangerous. 

doubt is something i’m very familiar with, having been in the closet for 19 years. while presenting as cis, the innermost thought that was the backdrop to everything wasn’t necessarily “im in the wrong body” but more “something is wrong, and i feel like nobody knows me.” the thought “am i transgender” was constantly followed up by my very conscious follow up thought

“no, you aren’t transgender, transgender people are in pain all of the time, transgender people don’t question it, transgender people face so much bigotry and pain, you don’t want to face all of that bigotry and pain do you? even if you are transgender, you wouldn’t want to transition because you like dating men too much, men will never want to date you if you transition.” (i haven’t transitioned yet, but from what i know so far that last anxiety isn’t really true at all.) sometimes these purposeful counter thoughts would last for so long that they started getting pretty weird and meta. things like “if you were transgender, you are somebody who is so honest and doesn’t care what other people think, you would have already transitioned by now!” which is hard to make sense of in retrospect.

after coming out, and presenting as a woman, i don’t necessarily have these long battles with myself as often anymore, but i’d be lying if i said they went away entirely. its much easier to spot what my true feelings are and what is surpression now, but i still have moments where i’ll think, “what the fuck am i doing?” i think addressing this doubt head on is something that is really overlooked in the trans community, but is really important, because being trans isn’t about following a checklist, but following your authenticity. without doubt, how are we going to be sure if something is right for us? i still have doubt from time to time, where i’ll think maybe i am some form of nonbinary, or just a feminine man, it’s easy to tackle these thoughts as now i approach them with no fear, knowing the answer to them will not be a challenge to deal with, as i have already dealt with coming out as a woman.

here’s where that tik tok comment comes in. tOCD, or Transgender Related OCD, is not related to being transgender, but actually linked with OCD, with a fixation on transgender identity. i read a few stories from people with this and felt overwhelmed with shock at how similar these stories felt to mine. lying awake at night combatting the question “am i transgender?” feeling an immense sense of fear or dread along with the idea of transitioning, or “becoming transgender,” and the thoughts being triggered by certain random things. these things all felt very familiar to my experience, as my thoughts of being trans before i was out were not at all happy. that is the common difference i kept reading “for transgender people, these thoughts bring them joy, make them happy, and do not cause distress or make them try to combat these feelings.” this description of trans experience was not at all similar to my experience, this made me increasingly fearful that i had gotten it all wrong.

i threw myself into a rabbit hole. i read forum after forum, i tried to analyze a scientific study, i read blog posts and discussion boards. i do not often spend my time on the internet on forums with neurodivergent people, or in neurodivergent spaces, though i am neurodivergent, it doesn’t impact my life in many major ways so i do not seek those spaces, but finding a lot of tOCD forums, there is a MASSIVE amount of transphobia hidden there. while there are 100% cisgender people with tOCD, it looks like to me a lot of closeted trans people (or eggs) have co-opted that space in order to talk down their own thoughts. this makes the few tOCD forums that exist a dangerous mix of people assisting each other through their intrusive thoughts, and eggs spewing transphobic rhetoric in the comments of confused and nervous people. this was absolutely not healthy for me to see, and if you are going to do research yourself, i recommend checking in with yourself and your triggers, because it is really difficult to find the distinction from what i’ve found. 

i can report, i am a woman. this is something that is unwaivering through all of my forms of doubt. this is something that is a truth regardless of my thoughts, and regardless of my feelings. before i knew this though, my thoughts were not at all joyful when trying to find out this discovery. discovering i was a trans woman this whole time, meant i had been spending the past 19 years of my life, in a sense, lying to the people around me. it had meant i was spending my life up to this point, dormant, or not being my true self. it had meant i was going to have to go through expensive treatments, therapy, and oppression. all these thoughts of me being a woman were clouded entirely by overwhelming fear, so no, i didn’t feel happy when my thoughts approached me, in fact i felt nothing but overwhelming dread, and a desire to push those thoughts away.

living as a woman and embracing my gender identity has proven to be nothing but helpful, and has made me feel nothing but more confident and true to myself. the truth is always behind the panic, and when it comes to your gender identity, there’s very little reason to panic.

heres a link to the random quora answer that helped calm me down, i recommend you read it if you are having any anxieties : https://qr.ae/pNikpp

[grubbyduck]

No Man’s Land - an essay on feminism and forgiveness

I have always proudly named myself a feminist, since I was a little girl and heard my mum proudly announcing herself as a feminist to anyone who would listen.

But I believe the word 'feminist' takes on a false identity in our collective imagination - it is seen as hard, as baked, severe, steadfast, stubborn and rooted. From a male perspective, it possibly means abrasive, or too loud, or intimidatingly intolerant of men. From a female perspective, though, these traits become revered by young feminists; the power of knowing what you think and never rolling over! My experience of being a feminist throughout my life has been anything but - it has been a strange and nebulous aspect of my identity; it has sparked the familiar fires of bravery, ambition, rage, sadness and choking inarticulacy at times, sure, but at other times it has inspired apathy, reactionary attitudes, bravado and dismissivness. And at other, transitive times, it caused me to rethink my entire outlook on the world. And then again. And then again.

In primary school, I read and re-read Sandi Toksvig’s book GIRLS ARE BEST, which takes the reader through the forgotten women of history. I didn’t feel angry - I felt awed that there were female pirates, women on the front line in the world wars, women at the forefront of invention, science and literature. I still remember one line, where it is revealed that NASA’s excuse for only hiring six women astronauts compared to hundreds of men was that they didn’t stock suits small enough. 

When I was 13, I tried to start a girl's rugby team at my school. I got together 15 girls who also wanted to form a team. We asked the coaches if they would coach us - their responses varied from 'maybes' to straight up 'no's. The boys in our year laughed at us publicly. We would find an old ball, look up the rules online, and practise ourselves in free periods - but the boys would always come over, make fun of us and take over the game until we all felt too insecure to carry on. I shouted at a lot of boys during that time, and got a reputation among them as someone who was habitually angry and a bit of a buzzkill. Couldn't take a joke - that kind of thing.

When I was around 16, I got my first boyfriend. He was two years older (in his last year of sixth form) and seemed ever so clever to me. He laughed about angry feminists, and I laughed too. He knew I classified myself as a feminist, but, you know, a cool one - who doesn't get annoyed, and doesn't correct their boyfriends' bulging intellects. And in any case, whenever I did argue with him about anything political or philosophical, he would just chant books at me, list off articles he'd read, mention Kant and say 'they teach that wrong at GCSE level'. So I put more effort into researching my opinions (My opinions being things like - Trump is a terrible person who should not be elected as President - oh yeah, it was 2016), but every time I cited an article, he would tell me why that article was wrong or unreliable. I couldn't win. He was a Trump supporter (semi-ironically, but that made it even worse somehow) and he voted Leave in the Brexit referendum. He also wouldn't let me get an IUD even though I had terrible anxiety about getting pregnant, because of his parents' Catholicism. He sulked if he ever got aroused and then I didn’t feel like having sex, because apparently it ‘hurts’ men physically. One time I refused sex and he sulked the whole way through the night, refusing to sleep. I was incensed, and felt sure that my moral and political instincts were right, but I had been slowly worn down into doubting the validity of my own opinions, and into cushioning his ego at every turn - especially when he wasn't accepted into Oxford.

When I was 17/18, I broke up with him, and got on with my A Levels. One of them was English Literature. I remember having essay questions drilled into us, all of which were fairly standard and uninspired, but there was one that I habitually avoided:

'Discuss the presentation of women in this extract'

It irritated me beyond belief to hear the way that our class were parroting phrases like 'commodification and dehumanisation of women' in order to get a good grade. It felt so phony, so oversimplified, and frankly quite insulting. I couldn't bear reading classic books with the intent of finding every instance that the author compares a woman to an animal. It made me so sad! I couldn't understand how the others could happily write about such things and be pleased with their A*. As a keen contributor to lessons, my teacher would often call on me to comment in class - and to her surprise, I think, my responses about 'women's issues' were always sullen and could be characterised by a shrug. I wanted to talk about macro psychology, about Machievellian villains, about Shakespreare's subversion of comic convention in the English Renaissance. I absolutely did not want to talk about womb imagery, about men’s fixation and sexualisation of their mothers or about docile wives. In my application for Cambridge, I wrote about landscape and the psyche in pastoral literature, and got an offer to study English there. I applied to a mixed college - me and my friends agreed that we’d rather not go if we got put into an all female college. 

When I was 19, I got a job as an actor in a touring show in my year out before starting at Cambridge. I was the youngest by a few years. One company member - a tall, handsome and very talented man in his mid-twenties - had the exact same job title as me, only he was being paid £100 more than me PER WEEK. I was the only company member who didn’t have an agent, so I called the producers myself to complain. They told me they sympathised, that there just wasn’t enough money in the budget to pay me more - and in the end, I managed to negotiate myself an extra £75 per week by taking on the job of sewing up/fixing any broken costumes and puppets. So I had more work, and was still being paid 25% less. The man in question was a feminist, and complained to his agent (although he fell through on his promise to demand that he lose £50 a week and divide it evenly between us). He was a feminist - and yet he commented on how me and the other woman in the company dressed, and told us what to wear. He was a feminist, only he slept with both of us on tour, and lied to us both about it. He was a feminist, only he pitted me against and isolated me from the only other woman in the company, the only person who may have been a mentor or a confidante. He was a feminist, only he put me down daily about my skills as a performer and made me doubt my intelligence, my talent and my worth. 

When I was 20, I started at Cambridge University, studying English Literature. Over the summer, I read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘Why Does He Do That’ which is a study of abusers and ‘angry and controlling men’. It made me realise that I had not been given the tools to recognise coercive and controlling behaviour - I finally stopped blaming myself for attracting controlling men into my life. I also read ‘Equal’ by Carrie Gracie, about her fight to secure equal pay for equal work at the BBC in 2017-2019. It was reading that book that I fully appreciated that I had already experienced illegal pay discrimination in the workplace. Both made me cry in places, and it felt as though something had thawed in me. I realised that I was not the exception. That ‘women’s issues’ do apply to me. In my first term at Cambridge, I wrote some unorthodox essays. I wrote one on Virginia Woolf named ‘The Dogs Are Dancing’ which began with a page long ‘disclaimer for my womanly emotions’ that attempted to explain to my male supervisor how difficult it is for women to write dispassionately and objectively, as they start to see themselves as unfairly separate, excluded and outlined from the male literary consciousness. He didn’t really understand it, though he enjoyed the passion behind my prose. 

The ‘woman questions’ at undergraduate level suddenly didn’t seem as easy, as boring or as depressing as those I had encountered at A Level. I had to reconcile with the fact that I had only been exposed to a whitewashed version of feminism throughout my life. At University, I learned the word Intersectionality - and it made immediate and ferocious sense to me. I wrote an essay on Aphra Behn’s novella ‘Oroonoko’, which is about a Black prince and his pursuit of Imoinda, a Black princess. I had to get to grips with how a feminist author from the Renaissance period tackled issues of race. I had to examine how she dehumanised and sexualised Imionda in the same way that white women were used to being treated by men. I had to really question to what extent Aphra Behn was on Imionda’s side - examine the violent punishment of Oroonoko for mistreating her. I found myself really wanting to believe that Behn had done this purposefully as social commentary. I mentioned in my essay that I was aware of my own white female critical ingenuity. For the first time, I was writing about something I didn’t have any personal authority over in my life - I had to educate myself meticulously in order to speak boldly about race.

As I found myself surrounded by more women who were actively and unashamedly feminist, I realised just how many opinions exist within that bracket. I realised that I didn’t agree with a lot of other feminists about aspects of the movement. I started to only turn up to lectures by women. I started to only read literary criticism written by women - not even consciously; I just realised that I trusted their voices more intrinsically. I started to wish I had applied to an all female college. I realised that all female spaces weren’t uncool - that is an image that I had learned from men, and from trying to impress men. The idea that Black people, trans people, that non binary people could be excluded from feminism seemed completely absurd to me. I ended up in a mindset that was constructed to instinctively mistrust men. Not hate - just mistrust. I started to get fatigued by explaining basic feminist principles to sceptical men.

I watched the TV show Mrs America. It made my heart speed up with longing, with awe, with nerves, sorrow, anger - again, it showed me how diverse the word Feminism is. The longing I felt was for a time where feminist issues seemed by comparison clear-cut, and unifying. A time where it was good to be angry, where anger got stuff done. I am definitely angry. The problem is, the times that feminism has benefitted me and others the most in my life is when I use it forgivingly and patiently. When I sit in my anger, meditate on it, control it, and talk to those I don’t agree with on subjects relating to feminism with the active intent to understand their point of view. Listening to opinions that seemed so clearly wrong to me was the most difficult thing in the world - but it changed my life, and once again, it changed my definition of feminism. 

Feminism is listening to Black women berating white feminists, and rather than feeling defensive or exempt, asking questions about how I have contributed to a movement that excludes women of colour. Feminism is listening to my mother’s anxieties about trans women being included in all-female spaces, and asking her where those anxieties stem from. Feminism is understanding that listening to others who disagree with you doesn’t endanger your principles - you can walk away from that conversation and know what you know. Feminism is checking yourself when you undermine or universalise male emotion surrounding the subject. Feminism is allowing your mind to change, to evolve, to include those that you once didn’t consider - it is celebrating quotas, remembering important women, giving thanks for the fact that feminism is so complex, so diverse, so fraught and fought over. 

Feminism is common ground. It is no man’s land. It is the space between a Christian housewife and a liberated single trans woman. It is understanding women of other races, other cultures, other religions. It is disabled women, it is autistic women, it is trans men who have biologically female medical needs that are being ignored. It is forgiveness for our selfishness. It feels impossible.

The road to feminism is the road to enlightenment. It is the road to Intersectional equity. It is hard. It is a journey. No one does it perfectly. It is like the female orgasm - culturally ignored, not seen as necessary, a mystery even to a lot of women, many-layered, multitudinous, taboo, comes in waves. It is pleasure, and it is disappointment. 

All I know is that the hard-faced, warrior version of feminism that was my understanding only a few years ago reduced my allies and comrades in arms to a small group of people who were almost exaclty like me and so agreed with me on almost everything. Flexible, forgiving and inquisitive feminism has resulted in me loving all women, and fighting for all women consciously. And by fighting for all women, I also must fight for Black civil rights, for disabled rights, for Trans rights, for immigrant rights, for homeless rights, for gay rights, and for all human rights because women intersect every one of these minorities. My scoffing, know-it-all self doing my A Levels could never have felt this kind of love. My ironic jokes about feminists with my first boyfriend could never have made any woman feel loved. My frustration that my SPECIFIC experience of misogyny as a white, middle-class bisexual woman didn’t feel related to the other million female experiences could never have facilitated unity, common ground, or learning to understand women that existed completely out of my experience as a woman.

My feminism has lead me to becoming friends with some of those boys who mocked me for wanting to play rugby, and with the woman that was vying with me over that man in the acting company for 8 months. It is slowly melting my resentment towards all men - it is even allowing me to feel sorry for the men who have mistreated me in the past. 

I guess I want to express in this mammoth essay post that so far my feminist journey has lead me to the realisation that if your feminism isn’t growing you, you aren’t doing it right. Perhaps it will morph again in the future. But for now, Feminism is a love of humanity, rather than a hatred of it. That is all. 

[immortalcoelacanth]

Brand New Animal (BNA) Oneshot: Nighttime Comforts

*points at Shirou and Michiru*

You see this? You see this found family dynamic? I crave fluff for it.

In other words, I’ve found another fandom I’ve fallen into! Also I apologize in advance if Shirou or Michiru’s characters aren’t 100% accurate. I did my best and rewatched some episodes but I’m not sure I fully got their dynamic down. 

Word count: 2494

Summary: For as ready as Michiru was to move to Anima City and find a way to fix herself, she was in no way prepared to deal with how isolated she felt in this new place, especially at night. 

Even with the faint ambiance of Anima City drifting in through the somewhat open window, Michiru was keenly aware of how oppressively silent the night felt. She was currently sprawled out on her back, eyes focused on the ceiling as she desperately tried to fall asleep. For as exhausting as her days had been, this was not the first time that Michiru had experienced this kind of insomnia. 

The worries that filled her mind, both about her condition and what continuing to stay in this city would look like. Who knew what struggles she might face due to how she looked? 

Michiru sighed and curled up, pressing her face against her pillow as she continued to think. She knew she was lucky to have a place to stay, to have met Gem and Melissa, and even Shirou despite how apathetic and detached the wolf beastman tended to be. They had helped her, been nice to her, but…

She tightly gripped the pillow, squeezing her eyes shut as she did her best to breathe through the wave of despair. This was not something new, this feeling of loneliness and isolation. It was what she had felt after changing into… this.

Into a beastman. 

What was new was that she had achieved her goals, in a way. She had managed to reach Anima City and would, hopefully, uncover a way to fix what had been done to her. All things considered she should have been happy with this development, but for some reason she was just as sad as before. 

If not more so because… 

She was alone. She was alone and had to depend on beastman that she barely knew and anything could happen to her and-

Michiru hiccupped softly. 

She missed her parents. She missed being able to go to school, she missed her sports, and-

She missed Nazuna. 

It was stupid, so, so stupid to be this upset, especially after everything she had been through. She had already been sad about her transformation, she had already said her goodbyes to her parents, even if she had only left a letter. She had put all of that behind her and moved forward so she could fix her life!

She hated how weak feeling sad made her feel, hated how lonely she felt in this strange place. When the sun was up and the lights were bright, it was easy to forget the feelings that lurked in the back of her mind and throw herself into the activities of the day, working with Shirou and exploring some of the city, but when she was alone… 

Well, currently it felt like she was always alone in a way. 

No one understood what she had been going through, the struggle of trying to figure out where she fit in, how to fit in. Dealing with the beastman around her was challenging, and she felt so far from her previously human state. 

Michiru was stuck somewhere in between. 

Despite having a plan, she still felt lost and honestly had no clue what to do. To accept being like… this, or to fight even if her recovery seemed hopeless. 

These dark thoughts always snuck up on her in the middle of the night, either invading her sleeping mind and causing her to dream of horrible things or forcing her to stay awake as she contemplated everything.

She knew it was not healthy to stay awake like this or to allow these thoughts to consume her. She had been able to push them aside in the past, and yet… 

It felt like such a struggle when she was like this, like it was an impossible task to try and ignore the worry and anxiety that clouded her mind. 

Even her strongest trait, her determined nature, could be swayed by these moments of despair and hopelessness. 

She slowly exhaled, doing her best to let go of her pillow. After staying like this and just breathing, doing her best to calm herself down, she rolled over and continued looking back up at the ceiling. 

A tear slowly rolled down her face, and she did not bother to wipe it off. 

She lifted a hand into the air, staring at the limb and letting out a bitter chuckle. To be fair, she was a freak among beastman from the look of it. The weird stretching her arms had done was… unnatural.

She was unnatural. 

She did not know what to do. 

Her face twitched, a grimace taking over it as her arm dropped and she sat up. Hands gripping the mattress, she held this position for a couple seconds before slowly pushing herself upright, standing on shaky legs, and stumbling towards the window. When she was close enough, she shoved it so it was fully open, letting in the nighttime air. 

Michiru sighed as she leaned against the windowsill. While the cool wind did help her calm down, gave her something to focus on, it only reminded her of the tears that were still somewhat staining her face. 

She sniffled again and did her best to wipe them off, so caught up in her sorrows that she did not notice that she now had company. It was only when her hands lowered, face drier, that she realized who had joined her. 

“Michiru.”

“Shirou!” She squawked in surprise, practically sounding like a bird as her head snapped to the side, eyes fixating on the man who was standing on the rooftop not too far away. 

Who had apparently been standing on the rooftop for who knows how long. 

The beastman was silent as he continued looking the tanuki over, as though he was searching for something. As the silence dragged on, Michiru was quick to voice her questions. 

“What’re you still doing up? Why’re you on the roof? Did something happen? Is there-” 

While the rapid-fire questions might have been somewhat annoying to Shirou under normal circumstances, he was far more focused on something else at the moment. The thing that had woken him up from his fitful rest. 

The salty smell of tears. 

He waited for Michiru to finish her rambling; eyes narrowed in a contemplative manner. As she finally fell silent, voice growing quieter and, strangely, losing the confidence that it typically radiated, Shirou spoke up. 

“Why were you crying earlier?”

Wrong move.

Michiru was immediately on the defensive as she gawked at him, completely taken aback by his question, before slamming her hands down on the windowsill and glaring at the beastman. 

“Hey! Who asks a question like that?! You don’t just-ask someone something like that! Or assume that kinda stuff! It’s rude, and-”

Shirou just continued to stare impassively, waiting for the tanuki to finish what in his mind was nothing more than a tantrum. He hated to admit it, but he was starting to get used to these outrageous shouting fits. 

“Besides,” Michiru continued, crossing her arms and looking off to the side in annoyance. “What makes you think I was crying, huh?! What gave you that idea?!” 

He squinted. Had she forgotten already…?

Fortunately, his clearly judgemental silence was enough to remind her of one key detail she had forgotten about him in her panic. 

His sense of smell.

It was at that moment that she knew the game was over in a sense. He knew she was sad, could probably still tell based on the tears that had been staining the fur on her face, and it made her feel… ashamed.

She knew why she was sad, but at the same time she felt confused about it. Confused, and uncertain if she even had a right to be sad. It all felt so stupidly childish compared to all the things that had happened, how she had somewhat accepted her state of being a beastman. 

… But at the same time, it was her identity. The thing that made her, her. And her place in the world that had been thrown into turmoil. 

She was stronger than this, better than this, and yet… 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Michiru finally mumbled, not wanting to get into the mess that was her emotions. Her head dropped as she turned her attention towards the ground in order to avoid, what she assumed to be, his judgemental gaze. “It’s not important.”

Shirou could easily see that was a lie, and she knew he was smart enough to realize such a thing. 

Please, don’t let him ask-

“Alright.”

She blinked in surprise and looked up at the beastman. “Wha-really? You’re not gonna…”

“No.” He shook his head. He did not see any point in continuing the topic, knowing it would only upset her further. At this point he had only one goal in mind. 

Get her to rest so he did not have to deal with a sleep deprived Michiru in the morning. 

Now it was time to work towards that goal. 

Without warning, he crouched down and started to make his way through the window. Michiru quickly backed up, confused as to what he was doing, and she watched as he jumped down and landed beside her.

Her confusion continued to grow as she watched Shirou walk over to her bed, briefly looking it over before eventually taking a seat on it. He shuffled back so he could lean against the wall and then gestured for her to join him. 

Um, what?

Uncertain as to what exactly he wanted, or what he was planning, she hesitantly made her way over to him. She repeated the process of sitting down and shuffling back so she was beside him. 

It was kind of weird how quiet there were both being at this point. Well, Michiru’s silence was strange, but she honestly did not know what to say at the moment, and she was still confused as to what Shirou was doing-

She was snapped out of her thoughts when an arm landed on her shoulder, gently tugging her towards the beastman. Her eyes widened as she leaned against Shirou, stunned by this development. She remained tense and uncertain for a moment until the warmth of the body next to her began to spread to her. 

Kind of like a heater. 

Michiru let out a soft sigh as she slowly relaxed. Shirou was… surprisingly comfortable, soft even. Of course, there was a part of her that quietly pointed out how embarrassing this was, her essentially cuddling him, but the voice was quickly silenced. 

Shirou had promised to protect her, help her get situated in Anima City, and this was just another way of doing that. 

And it was something she could potentially use to embarrass him in the future… 

As if sensing her mischievous train of thought, the beastman reached out and gently flicked the side of her head. She yelped and quickly covered the spot before looking up at him. “Hey! What was that for?!”

“Stop thinking so much and get some rest. You’re going to need it.” He passively replied. “We’ve got work to do tomorrow.”

That’s right, work. Investigations into what had happened to her and the anti-beastman that were causing chaos throughout the city. 

Something she could focus on, ground herself with. 

Michiru shook her head in an attempt to disperse any lingering thoughts and leaned against Shirou, one of her hands unconsciously reaching up and holding onto his trench coat. She let out a yawn as she felt her eyes slowly begin to shut. 

“Thank you…” 

Though the words were slurred due to tanuki’s exhaustion, Shirou heard them loud and clear. He was still somewhat facing away from her, looking out of the window, but he did reach over and gently ruffled her hair. 

Michiru let out an annoyed noise and pressed her head against his side, causing an unseen smile to appear on Shirou’s face before quickly vanishing. Slowly, her breathing evened out and the lingering tension in her form vanished. 

It was at this moment that the beastman sighed in relief, quietly happy to see that his efforts had not been in vain. Now all he had to do was figure out how to escape her clutches… 

Hours later, as the sun rose and Gem began to crow, Michiru woke up. She immediately noticed that Shirou had left at some point, leaving her all alone. Alone, except for the trench coat that had been placed over her while she slept. 

Shirou...

She sat up and, after a moment of hesitation, she gently picked up the article of clothing and looked it over. 

It still felt warm.

A smile crossed her face as she flopped back over onto her side, flicking the trench coat out so it was resting overtop of her once more. As she pressed the side of her face back into her pillow, eyes slowly shutting as she settled down once again, the warmth radiated by Shirou’s trench coat soothing her. 

Helping her feel less alone. 

 Omake:

Shirou grumbled and muttered to himself as he struggled to break free of Michiru’s clutches. She just… refused to let go of his trench coat no matter what he did. Granted, he had done much and had only tried to gently pry her hands off the item, not wanting to risk accidentally hurting her.

It was annoying to deal with, but it was also… sad to see her clinging to him like this in her sleep. He knew she had been struggling to figure things out about herself, and he knew for a fact he would never truly be able to comprehend the strife she was going through, but at the same time he did know that level of anxiety and fear.

The fear of being changed, being treated as an outsider…

A sleepy noise from Michiru broke him out of his thoughts, and he looked down just in time to see her hug one of his arms as she pressed her face into his shoulder.

How could such a sleeping position be comfortable, he wondered to himself as he got to work on his next plan of escape. It seemed like sacrifices needed to be made, and in this case that sacrifice would have to be his trench coat. He could part with it for now.

After some calculated squirming and shifting, he was able to loosen her grip on his arm enough to slide it free, allowing her to hug the empty sleeve in her clutches. From there, Shirou slowly scooted away from the sleeping tanuki.

Freedom had been achieved, but he was not done just yet.

He got off the bed and stood up before leaning forward and carefully moved Michiru around, pausing occasionally so he did not accidentally wake her up. When he was finished with this task, she was lying down on her back, the trench coat covering her.

That would do.

Now certain that Michiru would be fine for the rest of the night, Shirou nodded to himself and left. 

                                       xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The found family dynamic is my jam if you couldn’t tell and I intend to write as much as I can before my muse dies while balancing all of my other active WIPs as best I can. 

I hope you all enjoyed reading!

- ImmortalCoelacanth

[lightsintheskye]

Ahhh I have a lot of messages in my inbox right now (over like ...2000; ) but this one just jumped out at me from yesterday and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m sorry if this is a long long response (l’ll screenshot it as a textpost so it doesn’t clog someones feed) but I just, with how hypercritical social media makes us about ourselves and others its important to acknowledge bullying and how exposed we are to it. If anyone reading this is also struggling with this topic right now please read below. Remember I’m not a licensed therapist but I’ve had a lot of experience with bullying so read below if you like-

For the most part, the big two are finding a positive support network and focusing on things that make me happy. I’m not unscathed, I have clinically diagnosed MDD, Anxiety, and PSTD, but I’ve learned to manage these things. If you need to take a break from social media, do it- do your best to be your own curator of positivity. If social media is one of your few solaces, create a special account for yourself that just follows what you love. Remember that YOU are the one in control of your social media feed and are responsible for what you see.

1. Support Network:

Find a group that you can trust, and do you best to talk about your feelings and experiences in a constructive way(see no 5). That being said respect your support network, always ask if it’s ok to vent to them and don’t treat others as emotional dumping grounds. I know trusting people is incredibly hard, I still struggle with it (my own support network is literally two people but I also practice a lot of behavioral therapy since a lot of medications unfortunately don’t work for me) but you can not go through life second guessing every action (fuck you, anxiety). If your situation is such that you don’t think you have friends you can talk to, your college might have a therapist you can talk to for free. There are also online sites and hotlines that offer the same free services. Sometimes it takes a few therapists to find one that works for you, but sometimes its easier to talk to a friend rather a stranger- and therapy might not always be available to everyone. Google is your friend for finding constructive options.I know it’s hypocritical since this is a tumblr post, but do research on your own from reputable sites and sources for healthy coping.

2. Don’t bottle it up: I used to be incredibly quiet about any sort of stress or bullying I received in the past. I used to lie about never being bullied or harassed after middle school, but the only person that ended up hurting is myself. I don’t think I’ll ever be perfectly fine, but talking about it helps more than you think. I’m not saying to blast it out to everyone exactly how you’re feeling 24/7 but take time to trade woes with a close friend every week or so. Just don’t forget to celebrate the good when and where you can- this world has so much that makes it suck, but there’s also a lot that we can enjoy- too.

3. Bullies seriously suck, but don’t become one:

In my experience, very few bullies ‘grow up’ if they’re still bullying people in college, they just kinda get better at hiding it. This usually manifests behind passive aggressive comments, and or just talking behind someones back and hiding behind a screen to say things. Even in grad school I’ve witnessed "adults” being shitty to each other twitter, on insta, on discord, on tumblr, on A03- you name it. Bullies can come from anywhere, and be anyone, and bully for any reason. People who were bullied sometimes become bullies themselves in a way to gain back sense of power- but their own abuse doesn’t make abusing others right. In the past I’ve had comments and emails telling me everything from childish bullying to literally telling me to kill myself. Negative comments about my appearance, the way I talk, the way I draw, my hobbies,my choice of schooling (which ??????),  harassment about my choice of friends and the people I associate myself with. People who seek negativity will find any reason to slight another. But know that harassment is harassment regardless of why, so even if you’re angry bullying someone back really wont change much. I can think of nothing more toxic than willingly engaging with your bullies in order to find ways to ‘get back’ at them. The beauty of being online is that you can just leave a site, hit a block button, and even make a new name for yourself. Do your best to limit interaction with them. Do not put yourself in situations that involve them. Do not cyber stalk them (yes, repeatedly checking their tumblr/fb/instagram to criticize and mock their every post, or find every person they talk to “whistle-blow” on them is a form of defamation of character and cyber-stalking). Doing this will only invite negative emotions and make you start to hyper fixate. It’s an easy two way street that will invite people to do the same to you- and unless you’re the next coming of Christ someone will inevitably find out something negative about you. Do not hold people to standards that you yourself cannot achieve. You may be more morally inclined than your bully but no one one is perfect. You will never be able to please everyone. It is not your job to do so. 

4. Report, Put Away, Ignore: If these people are saying things to you that can be documented and reported to your school (assuming these are classmates that you can prove have done things) then take a screenshot if possible and report it. It’s a gamble to have anything done about it, some schools are shit about bullying, but some schools aren’t. Recently in my case, in grad school there was a bullying incident and we were incredibly afraid of what the bullies would do if they found out who exactly reported them, but thankfully I had friends help us report it- so multiple reports from anonymous sources made it hard for them to pin point it was someone finally standing up. Some colleges will take defamation of character (which, as an adult, is really what a lot of bullying is) very seriously and amazingly- that bully completely changed. I would not call them a friend, but for now their apology seems sincere and they’ve worked towards being a better person. So, if you choose to report it, after reporting, put that shit away and don’t keep looking at it, find a way to make it really hard to look at over and over. Put it in a folder within a folder within seven folders if you have to BECAUSE- 5. You HAVE to work towards moving ON or it will consume you.

Way, way easier said than done. I’m not saying so much ‘be the better person’ as to just ...seriously remove yourself from that shit as fast as you can. You owe nothing to the people that hurt you, but giving them more of your time over and over if you have the option not to is only going to end in you getting angrier or more upset yourself. The first time something hurts you, put a warning label on it, if it continues to hurt you, do not engage.

The internet can be so toxic- a lot of bullying is masked as “call-out culture” from minor things that happened years ago, it validates the worst forms of “coping” possible. It creates such a bad system of alarm fatigue for when real issues are happening, and creates a hive mind of abuse and hyper criticism where everyone is looking for the next target. There’s an extreme difference if a “bully” disagrees with your favorite ship or show and harasses you about it, or if someone is literally harassing you as an individual by telling you to self harm or worse. Treat your emotional scars like an actual wound; if you keep picking at it and ripping off the band aid to see if its still there its never going to heal. The scars might still be there and will still be visible on some days, but you’ll no longer be bleeding at the slightest brush. Learn to grow, learn to let others grow. Learn to trust again, and learn to try and be happy with who you are and who your friends are as you know them.  A big reason why I stepped away form the internet is that I found myself looking to validation in terms of popularity. And when i finally had it- I realized how toxic it ended up being for my health. I’d spend hours just to make a comic even at the cost of sleep or food, and 100 positive comments couldn’t stop my brain from fixating on ten that were negative or downright harassment. Even as I step back on the internet, I’m doing it from a much better place internally. It’s so so important not to get lost in numbers and online “validation.” Please just know eventually things will get better, and those that matter will stick around to be there to see your growth. People will always find something to give you shit about, but only you can determine how much it affects you. Recognize your emotions, process them, and take responsibility for them. Let your self-worth be determined by your own actions and words, not the actions or words of others.

[moonprincemulti]

You Are Always Mine - Chapter 6

- 23 Nov 2020

- sixth chapter of a series (YAAM)

- catboy/shapeshifter hyunjin & music producer chan

- top chan x bottom hyunjin

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"They're here." Chan's eyes widened as Hyun spoke those words, not believing it to be true at first. "Wha.. they? Who-" "The men.." Hyun whispered softly, his eyes still fixated on the duo that walked in their direction. Chan gulped as he knew Hyun was speaking the truth then. "The men.. who.. changed you?" Hyun's little nod confirmed the anxiety inside of Chan, and he got goosebumps all over his body. He could see the fear in Hyun's expression, following his line of sight to see if he could spot whoever he meant. Hyun felt his heartbeat go up, reaching out to grab Chan's hand. Chan spotted the male duo as well, and for a moment they had made eyecontact. Chan watched the males talk to eachother and then decided the only option was to run away. "Let's go. Let's run." Chan turned around and pulled Hyun along, beginning to run as fast as he could. Hyun stumbled the first few steps as he had been frozen with fear, but he quickly caught up and ran with Chan. They heard some shouting behind them, and Hyun whimpered as flashbacks shot through his mind. "No-" Chan kept running, glancing back for a moment to see the males in full pursuit. He began running even faster, Hyun groaning softly as he tried to keep up. "Why are they here?!" Hyun said in between his pants, Chan shrugging and just turning another corner. "I don't know. Let's shake them off first." Hyun nodded and kept running, trying his best to keep this pace.

As they turned another corner, Chan was relieved as he saw a door to the outside. He bit his lip and kept running, slowing down slightly before reaching the door. He opened it and let Hyun go through the door first, glancing back at the males who just had turned the corner. He smirked and walked outside as well, but was then surprised by two strong arms wrapping around him. He let out a scream out of shock, before he felt a rag of cloth being pressed against his face. He struggled against the person's grip, knowing they definitely had gotten Hyun already. The grip on him got even stronger, and he groaned, taking a deep breath of whatever substance the cloth was drenched in. It only took a few seconds before Chan felt his body go weak, everything going dark. Chan's body was carried towards a van and put in it, next to a similarly unconscious Hyun. The van drove off, transporting the two boys to somewhere unknown. ➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶ Chan was woken up by the sound of a machine whirring, accompanied by soft whimpers. Chan furrowed his eyebrows, opening his eyes but being blinded by the bright tube lights above him. He groaned softly as he got used to the visual, and he heard the whimpers grow into whines. He began looking around, not recognizing where he was. The room was well-lit, but looked incredibly poorly kept, as the cement walls had cracks in them. Chan turned his head to the side, now noticing the oxygen mask that was attached to his face, but he was quickly pulled out of his thoughts as he saw Hyun in a hospital-like chair besides him. A doctor of some sorts was hovering over the younger, a weird drilling machine inching closer and closer to Hyun's arm. Chan wanted to get up to stop the doctor, but he then felt he was being restriscted. His hands, feet, waist and chest had been bound to the chair, so he had no chance in getting up. Chan groaned loudly and struggled against them, getting the attention of the doctor. "Ah, I see you've woken up. Good timing. You can watch the procedure before you experience it yourself." Chan looked at Hyun, who looked back at him with a horrified expression. Chan could see the younger had been crying non-stop, his eyes puffy and red. Chan struggled against the straps once more, hating to be so useless. The doctor focused back on Hyun, but as the door of the room opened, the doctor stopped and faced the second man that had walked in. "Sir, I didn't know you would be here so soon." "Oh shut up Wilson, you couldn't wait to torture him again. Leave the room and come back when I tell you to." The doctor nodded and turned off the drilling machine, walking out of the room then. The door was closed and the doctor looked at Chan and Hyun. "Well well well, we thought we would never see you two again. We've been looking for years after you escaped." The man looked at Hyun, who was stil upset about the whole situation. Chan furrowed his eyebrows, trying to speak with oxygen mask on. "You- how- where are we?" The man walked to Chan, which made Chan freeze slightly, but luckily the man only helped him by removing the mask. "Repeat that for me please." "How do you know us? Where are we?" Chan looked at the man, curious, but also slightly afraid. "I know this blonde haired boy because he is one of our experiments. I know you because you were one of our targets years ago. You are at our lab, where we create beings like your friend." The man smiled gently, glancing at Chan's body. "You would suit a big cat nicely.. sadly we don't have big cat dna yet.." Chan furrowed his eyebrows and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry but.. experiments? You do horrible things to people to experiment? Is this governement approved?" The man laughed and shook his head. "Oh lord no, the government wouldn't approve of this until our experiments prove to be useful. We haven't reached that point yet, but your friend was one of our most succesful ones yet." Hyun whimpered as he tried to get out of his restraints as well, his fear of being caught again and the traumatic memories of the past making him hate this place as much as he thought was possible. He never wanted this again, he never even wanted Chan to be involved with this, but it was all his fault. He shouldn't have stayed with Chan. He should've just stayed a cat, then he would've never been caught. The man looked at Hyun, smirking slightly. "You were so succesful, we were so close to the end, and then you escaped. You ran off like a scared puppy." The man walked to Hyun and glared at him angrily. "You'll pay for that eventually." Chan looked at them and groaned. "Stay away from him you freak. He isn't your property." The doctor raised his eyebrow and looked at Chan. "He isn't? Are you sure about that? I was the one to find his mangled little body, all alone, on the side of the road after a car crash. Parents dead, nobody around.. just this little boy who had no chance of surviving if I didn't take him." Chan listened to the doctor, his mind racing at 100 miles an hour as it felt like Chan could relate to the story. "A...a car crash? Where... where did you find him?" "Australia, your home country." The doctor gasped as he realized Chan hadn't figured it out yet. "Oh I see.. you're confused. You still believe your childhood best friend to be dead. Well, be prepared for a hard wake up call. You're childhood friend is alive and well, right next to you as a hybrid." Chan now could connect all the puzzle pieces and he couldn't believe it. "What? You.. he.." Chan glanced at Hyun. "Hyunjin?" ➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶ Felix sighed as he once again got Chan's voicemail. "What is going on.. no phonecalls, no texts... Where is he?" Felix bit his lip and looked at Minho, who was scrolling through his phone, unaware of the situation. "Minho, are you able to call Chan?" Minho looked up at the other and raised an eyebrow. "What?" Felix sighed and rolled his eyes. "Our friend has been missing for days and you aren't concerned?" Minho blinked and then sat up straight, going to call Chan's phone. "I am concerned, I just thought.. nevermind." Minho heard the ringing tone stop, but he also got Chan's voicemail. Minho shook his head and hung up. "Nope.. also voicemail. You think something bad might've happened?" "Well it's unusual of him to not react for days.. He even missed our monthly chicken and beer night. That never happens." Minho nodded and sighed. "Should we check on him? In his apartment? Maybe he fell and couldn't get up." Felix shook his head. "No no, Hyun would know how to call us." Felix bit his lip and then got up. "Come on, let's go check at his apartment. If he's not there, we'll go to the police." "The police? What will you say to them?" Minho got up as well and walked with Felix. "We'll tell them that our friends is missing and that we are worried. That's what we'll tell them and they better find him. Minho bit his lip and nodded. "Let's hope he is okay. Hyun too." Minho furrowed his eyebrows. "Would it maybe have something to do with Hyun?" Felix looked at Minho, tilting his head. "What? Because he's a shapeshifter?" Minho blinked and froze. "A what?" Felix gulped, realizing only Chan and him knew what Hyun really was. Did he fuck up by telling Minho? "Uh.. nothing. Forget I said that.." Felix quickly began walking towards Chan's apartment, Minho following him with slight confusion.

[raisansgrapeon]

My Goodbye to Unus Annus

I’m really waiting to kinda give this, because I just ignore problems till the last moment.

Unus Annus really consumed my life for the last month or so. It’s just the way my brain works. When I find something I like, I hyper fixate till the fixation wears off and then I find a new thing.

This was different though.

Normally, I can draw and pull my mind away from my hyper fixation, even if it’s a bit difficult. But when I started watching Unus Annus, all I could do for a whole week was watch this channel. Partially due to the anxiety of missing videos and the timer, which was at about 48 days when I joined in, and partially because I have always found Mark and Ethan’s dynamic to be insanely funny to me, being a long time fan of Markiplier Makes. It was honest to god terrifying to be so deep in watching the videos that I could not get myself to draw for an entire week, when I’ve drawn nearly every day of my life. That was kinda the reason I waited so long to get into it. I knew this would happen, just not to that extent.

Since I caught up, I’ve been able to draw, and read, and actually do college work, but I’m still investing so much of my brain space to this channel. It’s amazing. I have loved so many of these videos and it hurts seeing it go even though I know it was going to happen. I blew over 100 dollars on merch for this channel. I’ve watched Preserving Ourselves in Wax and The Truth of Unus Annus so many times I might as well be able to recite them verbatim. It’s been a wild month for me, catching up and keeping up, and I’m sure for many, it’s been a wild year. 

So just... Thank you? I dunno this is really badly formatted my english professor would have my head for this monstrosity of an essay. 

Thank you to Mark and Ethan for making this in the first place, sticking to it for a whole ass year, and for every single video you made. They’ve made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe, cry on a few occasions(i swear it was because of the onions), and really think about myself and what I could do with myself.

Thank you to Amy and Evan for putting up with those two, and for shooting these videos. No one could see these moments without you guys! And you are also damn funny when you cut in! Thank you Amy for your vast pool of creative contributions. Thank you Evan for the Pee Trilogy. It may not seem like an accomplishment, but you made it happen anyway and honestly, we are all indebted to you for the well of comedy you have provided. I hope Bodhi is doing well.

Thank you to the editors for making each video that much funnier with zooms, comments, and general composition. You have a very hard job at your hands to enhance your source material, and you do it wonderfully. The channel would be half as funny as it is without your hard work. Despite what people may have said on the unedited video, Unus Annus would not be what it is without you all. 

And thank you to the community here on Tumblr. You all make amazing things. Stunning artworks, smooth melodies, and memes that almost made me break a fuckin rib. You all have made this experience that much more memorable. There may be archives that defy what the channel is meant to be, but I can rest assured knowing that I got to experience something truly special because of you all. You can’t recreate the moment of explosion on the Unus Annus tag when a new video drops. That’s special to the now, right down to the last second. We have this moment together, and you are all what have made this journey special for me. 

I’ve made a post before waxing poetic about how Unus Annus art and what not shouldn’t be taken down, and I still stand by that. I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to delete their art of this channel. It’s a memory frozen in time, and we can still create art for this channel after it’s death. I don’t want to forget this channel, and art helps us remember. Do what you will, but I firmly believe that the art made here is something that should be cherished and preserved, just like our memories of this channel.

Anyway, uh... Thank you.

Thank you for the memories.

Thank you for the laughs and the cries.

Thank you for the hard work and dedication.

Thank you for existing in this moment with me.

It’s been a pleasure getting to know about this Unus Annus.

See you at the stream.