#because he had to go through the auditions and the evaluations and the years of uncertainty

[daylightaftertherain]

I should start writing that kimchay idolverse au that I've been thinking about forever hmm

[masterofengene]

COULD i also request an idol!K oneshot/longshot (perefered fem reader but also wtv you are comfortable w) inspired by you are in love by taylor swift and its like suuper fluffy and he is so sweet and kdramary and like theyre wondering around the city or smth(can you tell I just finished binge watching i-land and immediately need compensation for the pain it caused me 😭😭😭) omg maybe like a friends to lovers trope and he realises how much she means to him and its like a she fell first but he fell ten times harder like IM SO SORRY FOR RAMBLING I NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT OF MEJFDHSKDFGJ like im just imagining confessions in the rain after a miscommunication which left them both rlly sad and then she runs after him in the middle of a city street at midnight. honestly PLS TAKE complete creative freedom because as you can probably tell my thoughts rn r super messy and delulu ajshgfhkfhkgdjhsdfhgfdjkg i literally just have been thinking abt a long fic to get immersed in w K bc i have seen ltrly none😔 THANK U SMSMSMSMSMMS ASDKJFH.

Here i am!! So i finally got back to my writing and this one got those creative writing juices flowing and it gave me so many ideas so enjoy!!

…………………………………………………………………………….

Coffee at Midnight.

K! X fem reader based off the song “ you are in love “ by Taylor Swift.

…………………………………………………………………………….

You and K had been friends for what feels like forever. You guys had gone to the same school and were close in age so you two naturally grew closer. Before you even realized, you two were best friends. But as time went by you couldn’t help but look at K differently, Over the years he had filled out and his features grew more defined. Anyone who knew K would notice this, unless they were blind.

But you hadn’t even registered your own feelings changing, not until you were head over heels for him. You two shared a love of the performing arts so when he debuted, he managed to get you an audition and then he stepped back and let you handle it. He knew you’d land the rest yourself, he always had a blind faith in you. He trusted you more than you trusted yourself. It was a little bit after that, that you realized you’re own feelings towards K.

It was one look, and a dark room, a light hearted joke.

It had been a few months since you had begun your training, and to say that you were exhausted was a major understatement. It was well past 10 at night your monthly evaluations were right around the corner and you couldn’t quite nail the choreography that you would be tested on. Your body was tired and you were drained but you couldn’t just give up. Your eyes were aching so you had dimmed the lighting just enough to relieve the dull ache.

You were so into your practice that you hadn’t heard your phone going off, you didn’t hear the messages that k was sending to check on you. And lets just say when he got no response, he went to check on you himself. Because how dare his best friend not answer him.

What you did hear was the door to the practice room opening. You had thought for a second that it would be an instructor coming to kick you out of the room, luckily it was not. It was just K.

“You weren’t answering me…i was worried about you.” K said, being the one to always speak his mind. But he could read you like a book. So why bother hiding your exhaustion. Without saying anything, you let out a sigh and not-so-gracefully sat down on the ground. You laid back and simply said. “I have been at it for hours and i cannot get it right no matter how hard i try. Im not that much of a dancer.”

And then he gave you that look, the look that would make you feel so loved and cared for that it unlocked all of those hidden feelings.

“Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing so well. Even if you do not realize it. You know….i think i saw some janitors, trainees… even a few pigeons watching you dance through the windows. An amazing performance.” He said jokingly, although he truly meant that you did an excellent job. He had just wanted to see you smile instead of looking like you would cry any second.

And after that, your feelings for him kept growing but you were certain he would never see you as anything more than a friend. Still you always had hope that he /could/.

That was until you had gone to the mall one day and were window shopping by yourself, you had invited K along but he had said that he was at a practice. You didn’t think anything of it, they had a comeback coming up anyway. You really didn’t give it a second thought. Well…until you did.

You had walked into your favorite store, the place where you got all of your clothes from. It was locally owned and they only had this one location. Everything about it made you smile, from the dresses to the shoes, to their jewelry. You were happily browsing but that soft peaceful smile that you had faded in an instant.

Right in front of you was K and a girl you had never seen before standing in front of a bracelet rack. They were clearly close, leaning closer to each other as they talked.

In that second, it felt like your whole world had came crashing down. Why had he lied to you about practice? Why was he here with /her/? And why was she standing so close to him? A thousand questions raced through your head as K looked up and made eye contact with you. There was panic in his eyes in that second, and without a word you turned around and left. If only you knew the real reason that he was so panicked….

Unknown to you, the reason he was there in the first place was because he had wanted to buy you a bracelet and confess his own feelings that had grown. He wanted it to be romantic and special. A sweet confession. He had asked his cousin to come along and help him pick out something that you would like. He only wanted to surprise you and not hurt you.

He thought situations like this only happened in the dramas that he watched on the television. But K had seen that devastated look in your eyes and he felt the pain that washed over you in that second. You might have fallen for him first but he fell harder that’s for sure.

it was midnight when you decided to go to the convenience store and get some coffee, your head was still swirling with emotions, and the weather outside represented how you were feeling, windy and stormy. Then you felt your phone go off and found that K had texted you, saying that he was on his way to your apartment. All you said in return was that you were getting coffee, to come a different time.

As you rang up your coffee and a little sweet treat, you pulled your hoodie up to cover your hair before going back out in the rain. You wee still hurting but you couldn’t see K until you felt calmer. You didn’t want to lose him entirely.

The bell sounded from the door and before you knew it you heard your name bing called. You’d recognize that voice anywhere.

“she is my cousin.” That was all k said as he walked up to you. And you were still in shock because how had he known that you were at this convenience store.

“This is the only place open that has coffee near your place..” He seemed to hear your silent question, then you noticed that his hair was soaking wet from walking in the rain.

“still. I thought you had practice.” The hurt in your voice had said enough as you walked around him heading back inside. It was all a fresh feeling for you and you still had so many questions left unanswered.

“stop and listen please.” K said following you outside into the pouring rain. That’s when he let the truth slipped past his lips as he let like he was losing his best friend. He grabbed your hand and you felt a smooth, cool metal press against your hand. “I didn’t know that you felt this way about me until i saw that look in your eye today. (Y/n) i was planning to do this in a better setting but ill just tell you now. She was helping me buy you a bracelet, I couldn’t tell you because it was going to be a surprise. But i really like you, actually no. You’re my best friend and you mean the entire world to me, i love you. Im sorry you had to find out this way.” The look in his eyes was a desperate one.

You felt shocked, you had never once considered any of the things that just fell past his lips, and as if he saw your shock he let go of your hand and left the bracelet there. He rocked back on his heels to give you time to process his words as the rain fell around you two.

“i… you like me? Really? But how did you…. Did you know I’ve felt the same?”

“not until today…i saw that look you had. Like you wee heart broken…I can’t risk losing our burnt toast sundays…” His comment made you crack a smile as all the pieces slowly fit into place.

and the rest…. Well that’s history.

[fishylife]

Getting around to the variety series that was made for Creation of the Gods (Episode 1) (Episode 2) (Episode 3)

Episode 1

Deng Chanyu wasn't in the first movie so at this point we don't really have an idea of what she's like as a character. But her actress is here and she looks cool.

The actor for Nezha is so tall now lol. Them kids grow up fast.

Yu Shi struggling with the toy horse. The director (of the variety show) was like dude just walk but he refused.

Li Yunrui asking Wu Yafan how he wants to be introduced and Wu Yafan's all shy like "...any way is fine" and Li Yunrui just laughs because that's so cute haha.

Wu Yafan: Our director is a 第一乖寶寶 (#1 well-behaved baby)

LMAO apparently fans in comments call Wuershan 善寶寶 (Baby Shan). When Wu Xin was like "...can we call you that" Wu Yafan was like "YEAH WE CAN!"

Ohh the guy who plays Jiang Wenhuan (Huang Xiyan) is Taiwanese.

Wu Xin: Doesn't this place look like a station? Wuershan: If you hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have been able to tell. A man who says it like it is.

The entire cast was relatively confident about seeing themselves from five years prior but then we get flash forwards to them cringing so hard their souls leave their bodies lol.

Yu Shi was a basketball player lol.

Did Chen Muchi change his name? He introduced himself as Hai Liang.

Wow Wu Yafan is actually from a Shaolin temple.

They were all cringing at Li Yunrui's dancing XD But you know what I noticed? He was dancing to EXO Lay's Lose Control lmao.

Apparently some of the initial assessments were kind of odd and unusual ^^;; But I guess they were meant to kind of get the people to let loose.

So apparently Yu Shi was in a basketball ad and the casting directors wanted to find him but he didn't look at his dms, so they went through his team's leader.

I'm trying to understand the exercise that Liu Tianchi set for Yu Shi. I think he had to tell the story while putting the music stands, and while he did, she kept telling him to look at her. Wuershan said that that exercise was for evaluating concentration, in terms of whether you can tell a story/deliver meaningful dialogue while doing something else.

Liu Tianchi does seem like a pretty intense acting teacher from what I've seen of her, in both this clip and in the three-episode behind the scenes documentary ^^;;

Hou Wenyuan was going to audition for Meteor Garden but ended up also auditioning for Fengshen lol.

Oh wow Ci Sha is from Daliang mountain :o I watched a documentary on Daliang mountain so I recognize it. Ci Sha had auditioned for both Fengshen and an idol show, so his company asked him if he wanted to be an actor or an idol. He was attracted to the action of Fengshen so he chose that.

Huang Xiyan used to go by Huang Tingxuan.

Huang Xiyan's audition was so rough omg, two people held him down while he delivered his lines lol. And then while continuing with his piece he was so nervous that he was scratching at the carpet and was called out by Liu Tianchi ToT

So many of the guys are basketball players. I guess the casting directors want tall guys.

Li Yunrui had to deliver his lines over the construction noises which...he didn't lol.

Li Yunrui's fake basketball omfggg

They ran through a bunch of photos of people who hadn't made it through the audition and I think this is Wang Zhuocheng? And earlier there was an idol who'd auditioned too (and they were already an idol at that time).

So it sounds like the training camp was technically the last part of the audition.

Li Yunrui's nickname is 小林 btw. I initially though I remembered his surname incorrectly but no it looks like his nickname is not related to his name.

LIVE look at Li Yunrui's imaginary basketball ToT And then they had the other guys do it too ToT

Chen Muchi: I'll help you study for gaokao Someone else: Liu Han had 500 points at first, after (Chen Muchi's help) they only have 200 Savage X'D

Naran at this time didn't really understand Mandarin so she was communicating in English and then Na'ernaxi was trying to explain to her. I guess they're the only two women there. And so because of that they don't have to pick rooms.

Wu Yafan came with his mom. Everyone was like omg so cute <3

Look at the instruments behind them

Hou Wenyuan came on screen and everybody hyped him up XD Yu Shi called him a man who brought BGM with him and others were like 大哥來了! I guess he has a reputation of being 大哥 lol. They were commenting on his flashy jacket. And it seems like he's quite extroverted too.

So here are the room combinations. Not everyone is here though. Maybe there were a few different training camps.

Aw Naxi is the 樓長. I think she is older than most of the guys (being 27 compared to the guys who seem early 20s). So it makes sense she'd be more responsible I guess.

Li Yunrui and Huang Xiyan came a week later so they ended up being roommates.

The guys used to let Wu Yafan play on their phones :P

At least two witness testimonies of Yu Shi having a messy room lmfao. In his defense, his underclothes were on his bedside table to "dry" lol.

Meeting all of the trainers at dinner (y)

Schedule

5AM jog ToT I feel a little bad for Wu Yafan, he's just a little boy ToT

So the first trainer Wang Jinwu was literally a military trainer (and what a fitting name, 王金武) and the early morning training was military-style. Which was advantageous for Chen Muchi who was a soldier.

I feel bad for Naran because she's still learning Mandarin but still has to take part in all of the training ToT

Btw they all call Naran "Nana" :3

To be fair I think Wang Jinwu is fairly reasonable. When the trainees do anything that's not up to expectation, he tells them what he expects and then tells them not to do it the next time. He doesn't just yell at them without explaining his expectations.

Wu Yafan said that when he was at the Shaolin school he also had to wake up early and then run for 2km so he was used to that kind of life ToT

Episode 2

Naran is here!

One thing of note is that since a lot of these actors were unknowns before this movie, they haven't really developed variety skills. So the kind of comedy on this show is more down to earth.

Time for class!!!!!

Naran immediately felt cringe when she saw herself on screen lol. And everyone else was like you just gotta power through it XD

Lmao even Wuershan was like "er yeah now that I'm watching myself, the speech is a bit much." XD

LOL they're going to watch 300.

Naxi got picked to speak in class lol

Ci Sha was studying management in school.

I think this class is a sort of performance/acting class. Anyway they're practising tongue twisters, probably to improve their speaking.

Yu Shi reading the tongue twister from his book like an old man ToT

Huang Xiyan getting teased for his erhua lmao.

Yeah it kind of wasn't fair to Naran to study the same tongue twisters at that time (when she was still relying on translators). So the performance trainers spent one-on-one time to just train her pronunciation.

The way Yu Shi had a big smile on his face when he was just learning to ride horses and the horse was just walking slowly. That would probably be me though, horseback riding looks fun.

And then they had to practise riding together with others.

The MC asked if the actors ever through it was tedious that they had to spend so much time on the basics of horseback riding. Yu Shi said that when he played basketball sometimes he'd spend 1.5 hrs just practising basics without even touching the ball, so it wasn't so unfathomable to him.

A horse was purchased for each actor, and Naxi had two horses.

Swimming class next :3

Aw some of the trainees (including Chen Muchi and Yu Shi) couldn't swim so they had to start from the basics. Wuershan said that in the second movie there'd be battles in water.

Lol Hou Wenyuan "teaching" Wu Yafan to swim. He was just like "I'll hold you up and you swim, okay?"

The staff asking Wu Yafan if he's having fun

Chen Muchi bullying kids like 'let me have this' lol

LMAO their swimming competition XD Some of them just walked the whole way

Wushu lesson next!!

Li Yunrui: How come we can't see us :< Huang Xiyan: This was still before the 9th They did THIS MUCH in the first week.

They trained in boxing and sword arts and also just general fitness. Honestly the fitness part looks the toughest to me ToT I would fold like a wet noodle. The exercises they did to harden their abs like bro. They were all soooo tired T_T And they had martial arts lessons nearly every day, sometimes twice a day. Rough times.

The martial arts trainer was like "I'll give you a break, let's do stretching" and a bunch of them found stretching the toughest lol.

Hehe Sang Laoshi was nicer to Wu Yafan than the older guys. And all the instances of Wu Yafan 偷懶

The history teacher trying to engage Wu Yafan in the lesson by asking him how old he is. But otherwise everyone struggling to stay awake ToT

The history teacher asked the actors to read the passages in their home dialect, which for Huang Xiyan would have been Taiwanese but Huang Xiyan was like omg this is so difficult. But the history deduced that Huang Xiyan probably wasn't as good in Taiwanese.

Oh right Hou Wenyuan is from Shenzhen so he knows some Cantonese. His pronunciation isn't super good but he seems to know enough to keep reading.

I wonder if they know what roles they're going to be playing at this point.

The way Hou Wenyuan's jacket is always super flashy

Naxi always kind of leans into Naran when she's giggling :3

So they have 6 meals a day but they're smaller portions.

Lol the dudes have a group chat for sneaking out for late night snacks XD

LMAO the reason why Naxi knew what the guys ate during their late night snack that night was because she and Nana had snuck out to eat late night snack as well and bumped into them XD EXACTLY a case of "girl what were YOU doing at the devil's sacrament?"

At the training facility, Wu Yafan had a different meal plan with a wider variety of foods so the other guys would ask to borrow his card to get different food that would not have been allowed on their diet.

Performance time. I think this is basically their big evaluation and they could be sent home if their performance is not up to standard.

Teacher Zhou Mi told the trainees not to be too nervous because if they did anything wrong, it would be his fault, which drew laughs. But also Liu Tianchi said that it was a teacher's fault if they didn't teach a student well, which I think is a rather Chinese thing. Like how when kids do something wrong, it's their parents' fault for not teaching the child properly.

Twerking lmao

I agree that the dance looks odd but we can also see how physically demanding it is. And also it's easy to see when you're not doing the actions properly (especially with the bigger actions).

During the first martial arts portion with the weapons, Wuershan said that the point was for the trainees to be able to match each other's rhythm when clashing.

Now onto individual martial arts performances :o

Yeah so throughout the episode I saw another female trainee whom I didn't recognize, and I think basically she and Naxi were competing for the same position as Deng Chanyu. So they both trained in dual blades.

First evaluation after 6 weeks. Wuershan said that while there was a score, he was mostly looking at each trainee's capabilities and how much room they had to grow.

Yu Shi freestyle singing + guitar lol

Ci Sha takes 6-7 hours to get home because he's from a more rural area.

Lol Wu Yafan now old enough to join the group chat for the geges and jiejies.

Ci Sha had been training for one of the hostage son positions and only found out he would be Yang Jiang shortly before filming.

Yu Shi freestyle guitar again

Episode 3

Back from new year's vacation

Wu Yafan said that during the holidays he was doing homework (to make up for missed time at school) and everyone laughed.

Zhou Mi is kinda funny as an instructor though. I know he seemed really strict at first but now that we get to know him we see how he jokes around.

Ci Sha said that he celebrates new year at a different time as a member of the Yi ethnic group (Nov 20). So Lunar new year was just chillage time for him and he didn't make it all the way home.

I noticed this in the last episode but some of the music editing in this show isn't great. There were some scenes where people were talking and the background music was so loud. In this episode there was a part where the loud background music abruptly stopped, it wasn't even a fade out.

Yu Shi hurt his ankle playing basketball during his break and he was like 'nah I'm good to go now!' but apparently it was still hurting ^^;; Then they were playing basketball again and he hurt his other ankle.

Chen Muchi hurt his foot "break dancing"...I hate to laugh but the whole ordeal was kind of funny XD Like all the other guys were laughing XD First at transporting him out on the trolley and then the guys waving to him with a farewell song as he went to the hospital lmao

Bailiga had a cast on too??? Everybody is injured ^^;;

Nana has this fox stuffed toy :3 Btw they're all laughing at Sun Rui giving a fierce performance while on crutches

Even those who were injured kept up with training...this is The tough training montage

Sang Laoshi a dark horse in the gym? Like dude the speed at which he lifts the barbell was crazy.

Oh damn it's circuit day huh

Wuershan said that Sang Laoshi does the circuit with him ToT So it's like a "if he can do it, you should be able to too" kind of deal

The host was talking about Naran so she was like "me?" :3

Oh wow some clumsy editing but there was a shot of the folks laughing and Naran was not there, so they probably just took a laughing shot from last episode and accidentally edited it in here.

Oh my god this man XD He's such a big personality XD

WHAT apparently Hou Wenyuan's douyin was broadcast in Times Square ToT

Naran is cute haha

Wu Yafan always getting paired up with Hou Wenyuan XD They were saying how it was like he was babysitting

Oh interesting, so the purpose of this exercise was to more or less get an idea of a person's outline. Liu Tianchi pointed out that while some of the older guys were only pointing out their characteristics, Wu Yafan had painted a general picture, a muscular man with hair like feathers that was fierce.

The teachers watching Huang Xiyan's performance of a...piece of paper blowing in the wind X'D

So these guys were supposed to play "jiangshi" (which, by the way, their entire getup did make me laugh XD). I'm not 100% sure which definition of jiangshi they're going with but in this case they seem more zombie-like.

Oh damn we are getting strict Zhou Mi again!!!!!! Yu Shi couldn't recite a passage during their performance class and Zhou Mi was like "the way you're performing right now, do you respect me?"

Jing Niansong was working with Chen Muchi and Yu Shi on some skits and he was saying that he liked that they were starting to have thoughts on acting and performance. He didn't want them to be puppets, he needed them to be actors.

I've been thinking this since episode 1 but at some angles, Li Yunrui looks a lot like Zhang Yujian.

Training montage again!!

Naxi broke Zhou Laoshi's arm ToT

Li Yunrui never brought his room key card, it was always Huang Xiyan who did lol

[vaginachronicles]

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way, I was honestly thinking that I wasn’t capable of it anymore.

I don’t cry. It takes...a lot. There’s a lot of possible explanations for this. One is that when I was a teenager and my mom was at the height of her manic depressive disorder, (which entailed violence towards me), she would gain some sort of satisfaction out of seeing me equally in the same pain she was. I trained myself to bottle it all in so that I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of seeing me break down. And I guess that kind of stuck.

When I have cried, it’s usually not even because of something that’s personally happened to me. It’s random and strange, like the audition video of a talent show on Youtube...or the end of a film (how dare you “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”. I didn’t cry when I ended my last relationship, though it was painful. Generally when something happens to me, I’m able to stomach it because it rarely compares to what I’ve been through before. 

I ugly cried for two hours today.

Over a dog.

Honestly, if I wasn’t still sitting in a cafe surrounded by people, I’d probably be home and practically dehydrated from it. 

This is a distinct pain. You can’t hold it in or hold it back. There’s no control to exercise. It takes over you. Your chest feels completely hollow. Your stomach feels so completely twisted into knots that you can’t eat. My appetite died harder than it ever had. Sara (the good one) went to breakfast with me (bless her heart), and I had to shove the eggs down. Each bite felt heavier than the last. It’s hard keeping it down.

A god damn dog.

Shortly after I met my partner, or ex...I don’t know who he is at this point...he began fostering a puppy. He works as a manager at an animal shelter, one of the things that drew me to him, and they have been critically over capacity for a long time. When I was first introduced to her, he was confident he was adopting her. Completely sure. When I tell you she is the cutest damn puppy you have ever seen...I mean it. Her name from the shelter was Ontario. He was calling her Miss Thing, which was a terrible name. She was a boxer/bulldog sort of mix, and her face had all the rolls that you just want to squish and kiss. So that’s what I called her, Squish. 

Squish was a puppy, and fostering puppies isn’t easy. Food and water run out of them nearly as fast as it goes it, you practically have to olympic sprint to get them outside in time. They have nuclear levels of energy, and they just want to be on you/near you/around you at all times. Quite simply, she was a baby. She needed patience and tenderness. Over time, he seemed less capable of showing her either. I understood...his job is long, hard, extremely stressful days. The things a puppy can do with poop in a crate are....unbelievable. I could see the toll it was taking on him, and I didn’t want it to cloud his judgement of his feelings or attachment to her, so I tried to help more and take some responsibility. As much as I could without actually living there.

I cleaned her accidents. I took her for walks. I ran her in laps, trying to wear her out. I bought her plush toys to both keep her company and because she just absolutely loved them. I bathed her. I tried to temper his agitations towards her. And through all this, I came to love her so much. I don’t want to admit that I loved her more than my cats...I love my cats...but I did. I was mom. I don’t know if this is some sort of weird trauma response to an abortion years later. But I just loved her, unconditionally.

I made this clear to him. He still wasn’t sure he wanted her. Realizing it was possible he wasn’t going to foster fail, I began evaluating how I could make space in my life. Would it be difficult? Absolutely. Potty training...covincing my landlord...paying more rent...probably signing a new lease...limiting my future rental options...increase in monthly expenses. I knew what I was up against, it was a lot. But none of it mattered, because I loved her and if it came down to it I was going to try. I had to try.

This was the week of the adoption event she was meant to be at, if he didn’t foster fail. I sent him a message on sunday, after writing a draft email for my landlord, and told him if he was sure he wasn’t going to adopt her to let me know and I was going to send it. I didn’t want to send it unless he was sure because my landlord could always say no and then use that as a segue into raising my rent anyway or putting me on a new lease. He said he would think about it and let me know. I saw him on valentines day, he didn’t say anything. Nor did he do anything...at all. But, whatever. I tried not to think anything of it.

I talked to him every day this week. I asked him how the preparations for the event were going several times, because that was a stressful aspect of his job. He never mentioned Squish. A relief, I thought. If he kept her, or even just stayed on the fence long enough to keep her out of the event, it would give me time to prepare.

I talked to him all day yesterday. Normally I would go over his place friday nights, but my depression the last two days had been taking me over physically, and everything I needed to get done piled up around it, so I told him I was going to stay home. He never mentioned anything. He sent me a picture of her sleeping on his lap, and I called her my sleepy bee.

I had a horrible night, couldn’t sleep...chest pains. Was up until almost 6 am. Managed to sleep a few hours, before my cats began terrorizing me for their breakfast and I finally gave up. Since I did not see him the night before, I set aside my normal saturday afternoons of research and decided to shower and get ready to see him. It was the morning of the adoption event, but I knew he had gotten up early to finish all the preparations.

I got out of the shower and looked at my phone.

And it felt like I had been shot.

He had taken her to the adoption event and let her go. Never telling me he wasn’t adopting her. Never giving me the chance to talk to my landlord. Not even giving me the chance to say goodbye. My heart immediately just felt completely broken. Not only because she was gone and I’d never see her again, but because he was capable of doing something to hurt me so god damn much.

The adoption event was ticketed and sold out. Even if I went, I wouldn’t get in. The very first video they posted on the event page, I saw a puppy in the background wearing green footy pajamas. They knew her as Ontario. They didn’t know she was Squish, and that she had a home with me. 

I’m not stupid. I know she will be fine, loved. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel like my heart was cut out. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to let anyone or anything close to me, while simultaneously wanting to fall into someone’s arms who I trust and cry everything out of me. But that person doesn’t exist for me. I don’t think they ever will, and I honestly am not sure I even want them to. I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of loving. I’m tired of giving and having pieces cut out of me. I thought there was a future here, maybe. Finally. Someone who could see the real me, and respect me, and love me, and who I could create something real with. The relief of not facing a lifetime of relentless loneliness. But it never gets better. It just doesn’t. 

[thebrokengate]

This is what makes me crazy, okay-

Brian died not only hearing Tim’s last words to him of “I’ll kill you!” but he also died with the tape on him of his and Tim’s audition for MH. That tape was the last piece of him, the last shreds of the humanity he once had before all this started. It was probably the last thing grounding him back in reality. It served as a reminder of who he was: Brian Thomas - not just an empty shell of a man, wandering around without an identity with one singular goal in mind to put an end to everything. It was a reminder of Tim: one of his closest friends back then, who knew him well when he was Brian Thomas, but sees him now as not even a shadow of his former self, but as someone who he doesn’t even recognize. It was a reminder of Alex: someone who he was once friends with before he became a killer, broken by the Operator’s constant looming presence in his life. It all started from that one fateful night, and things never got better. Brian was alone with it all for so long, he forgot what it means to be human - to have a life outside of this. He became a solitary creature in the midst of it all, not by choice initially, but because it’s just the way things had to be. And by the time of his and Tim’s last confrontation, he knew there was no going back to the way things used to be. He’s known it for years in that solitude. That.. isolation. And it’s not a fate he can outrun anymore now than ever before.

And worse still, Tim didn’t know. He didn’t know it was Brian who fell from that ledge, that he chased away, that he blamed for Jay’s death, blamed for setting everything up. He’s watched himself on tape, in a mask, working alongside this hooded person all this time - this elusive character from the shadows who was only directly by his side whenever he was in a different state of mind. Can you imagine what it was like for Tim to watch that tape and discover that it had been Brian all along - one of his first real friends back then? To know that the last thing he ever said to him was “I’ll kill you”? To be forced to take a step back and re-evaluate everything he’s been through up until that point and recontextualize it all with the fact that it had been Brian trying to help them from the shadows all that time? And to know now that he can never go back, never try anything else, never find a way to bring Brian into the light, never be a team again in any way because he’s dead. To wonder if things could’ve been different - if he could’ve changed anything had he known that person was Brian all along.. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how that made Tim feel, having seen Brian go from this happy, lively, bubbly person he used to know to who he was on the day he died without ever even knowing it until then.

It’s still the greatest tragedy of the inability to communicate and of lost friendship I’ve ever seen in any piece of media.

thinking about how brian was alone for YEARS and then he died with the last thing he saw was someone he considered a close friend wanting him dead …

[briamichellewrites]

105

Elliot noticed Joe alone in the studio. Where was everyone? They had yet to arrive. He was early because he got bored at home. She told him she just wanted to talk to him about what happened. He listened as she told him she wasn’t looking for a relationship, just a hookup. As disappointed as he was, he appreciated her honesty. She wasn’t going to lead him on and make him believe he had a chance when she wasn’t interested in that. He thanked her for telling him.

They both agreed to keep the hookup a secret, mostly due to her age. He knew she was sixteen but it didn’t cross his mind until he got home. Telling anyone would get him into huge trouble! Maybe to the point of getting the police involved. He didn’t want that. So, no. He would not be telling anyone. Though, he wanted to! He wanted to tell the whole world he had slept with his crush!

Secretly, she was waiting for Jon. They were in constant communication over text messages. He felt like he was slowly falling in love with her. Did Dorothea know? Hell no and she never would. She would accuse him of being a predator and possibly take the children away from him. Seeing her text messages were the best part of the day. Elliot was discovering who she was and that included her gender identity and sexuality. She had come out as an agender but she didn’t know if that was still true.

Her therapist told her that it was okay if she had made a mistake in labeling herself. She was twelve years old and had a very basic understanding of what gender identity and sexuality were. Maybe she was only interested in men. What about her gender identity? She didn’t know.

While visiting Mike, he agreed that she didn’t have to worry about labeling herself. His brother had taken a long time before he came out as gay because he wanted to be one hundred percent sure. She could experiment and see what she was comfortable with. He didn’t want to ask if she was sexually active, though he had a feeling she had already lost her virginity. She wasn’t the type to wait until marriage.

After a month of treatment, he was doing a lot better. He was learning how the affair affected him. For the first time, he was able to express himself without judgment. He could cry, get angry and feel whatever he needed to feel. During his intake, he was given an evaluation. He was diagnosed with anxiety and Post Infidelity Stress Disorder, a disorder similar to PTSD. Along with different therapies, he was given medication to level out his brain chemicals.

His anxiety was partly due to his PISD. He was slowly learning that the affair was not his fault. There were things he did wrong but they didn’t justify Anna cheating on him. He had blamed himself for not being there for her emotionally because he was preoccupied with the band. She cheated because Brad was there when he wasn’t. He had to learn that wasn’t true.

She cheated because she was selfish. It wasn’t a one-time thing. She had been cheating on him for four months. He had broken down in tears during a therapy session. At first, he was embarrassed. Then, he felt a wave of relief. His parents had visited him after he checked in. They were concerned about him and they suspected he was drinking. No, he was going through depression and anxiety. He just didn’t know what it was at the time.

Elliot looked beautiful. She was done with shooting for a while. Her agent wanted her to go to auditions first modeling and maybe acting. They were going to look at companies she wanted to work with. Was she going to make modeling a career? No, she thought about it but it wasn’t what she wanted to do. She thought the industry was too narcissistic.

“You have to look beautiful all the time, you have to be a certain weight. It’s too much pressure for me, especially since I’m competing against other women all the time.”

“I can see that. It is very much about how you look. You should do something that makes you happy. Are you going to try producing?”

“Yeah, I want to. I might start as a production assistant or shadow a producer to get some on-the-job training. I’m going to see if I can butter up George or Matt.”

He laughed. She probably had better luck with Matt. It was later that he got a knock on his door. He looked up from his sketchbook and saw one of the staff members. She had bad news. He put his stuff down before getting up. What’s going on? His friend was in a car accident, the one who was just here. Elliot. What happened to her? She was in the hospital. That was all the information she had.

He thanked her for letting him know. Did he want to talk about it? Not until he had more information. She nodded and promised to update him. Thank you. Elliot had been driving home when she pulled into an intersection. It was a green light and she was waiting for her turn to go when a car sped into her driver’s side door. She rolled over until the car landed on the passenger side. Drivers pulled over and got out to help her.

Someone called 911 to report the accident while they all made sure she was okay. At the hospital, she was found to have a broken neck, broken leg, and bruises. Her neck was in a brace to prevent further injuries. The accident was reported on the news. Brad got a call from the hospital saying that his daughter had been brought in. He asked for the location of the hospital.

After getting it, he dropped what he was doing and went out to his car. When he got there, he went immediately to the emergency department and asked for Jayde Johnson or Elliot Pitt. The receptionist looked her up in the records. After a few minutes, she found her. What was his relationship with the patient? He was her father. After showing his ID, he was brought back to her room. Thank you! A million things were going through his mind.

Elliot was in bed with a neck brace and bruises. He didn’t know if she was still angry with him, so he approached her carefully. Ellie. It’s dad. She couldn’t turn her head, so she waited until she could see him.

“Thank god you’re okay! How are you feeling?”

“My whole body hurts. It was my turn to go. The other person ran into me.”

“Don’t think about that now. I’m here.”

Brad had bad news about Elliot, which he needed to share. He got a text message from Mike the evening before. Elliot was in a car accident. He gave them as much information as he could. She had gone to visit Mike and was coming home when she was hit while driving through an intersection. Her car rolled over multiple times, causing her to have a broken neck, a broken leg, and bruises. She was in a neck brace. Thankfully, she wasn’t going to be paralyzed.

They were angry at the driver who hit her. She could have been killed. Did they want to visit her? Yeah, they grabbed their stuff before deciding who was going to drive. Joe didn’t know what to think. He just saw her! They all had anxiety because they had to know for sure she was okay! Phoenix patted his shoulder. Thanks. The drive to the hospital felt like forever.

Brad had given him good directions, so they found him easily. He greeted them and introduced himself. How was she doing? She was stubborn as always. Other than that, she was going to be okay. He warned them that seeing her was going to be hard because of her injuries. They nodded and Rob asked if he wanted to get a coffee. That would be wonderful. After deciding who was going to visit, they went down to the cafeteria.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @thewriternia

[keanicello]

How is marijuana performance enhancing

Weed (pot) is going through a broad administrative audit in numerous worldwide locales for clinical and nonmedical access. Marijuana possibly affects the soundness of competitors as well as on execution in both preparation and in contest. The point of this general survey is to recognize and feature the moves in deciphering data as for world class athletic execution, and to highlight significant examination regions that should be tended to.

Information Sources:

A nonsystematic writing survey was conducted involving Medline and PubMed for articles connected with pot/maryjane use and sports/athletic execution; abstracts were evaluated by lead writers and key subjects recognized and investigated.

Primary Outcomes:

Marijuana might be principally breathed in or ingested orally for a scope of clinical and nonmedical reasons; proof for viability is restricted however encouraging for constant torment the board. Despite the fact that proof for serious damages from pot use on the well-being of competitors is restricted, one ought to be perceptive of the potential for misuse and emotional well-being issues. Albeit the predominance of pot use among tip top competitors isn't notable, use is related with specific high-risk sports. There is no proof for weed use as an exhibition improving medication.

Now that cannabis is legitimate in a few pieces of the U.SScientists are beginning to expose a few fantasies about mar jane. Simultaneously, weed's social disgrace is starting to relax — to such an extent, as a matter of fact, that competitors and wellness masters who commend weed's health benefits are beginning to challenge the generalisation of sluggish, overweight stoners.

In any case, is pot genuinely a marvel drug that upgrades athletic execution or do its negative secondary effects offset its advantages?

We addressed a few specialists in medication, wellness, and the pot business about how weed might possibly benefit or hurt your wellness.

At the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan, snowboarding made its presentation as an Olympic game. Presently not consigned to the edges, snowboarders took to the snow-covered pinnacles of Mount Yakebitai, and 26-year-old Canadian Ross Rebagliati rose to worldwide acclaim. However, not long after he won gold in the goliath slalom occasion, a medication test uncovered 17.8 nanograms per millilitre of THC, the psychoactive compound in marijuana, in Rebagliati's framework, which he actually attributes to handed-down cigarette smoke.

"Marijuana in those days was viewed as being for failures and sluggish stoners," Rebagliati told The New York Times. "The huge corporate backers would have rather not supported me. I turned into a wellspring of diversion, a joke. I went from legend to zero for the time being."

Rebagliati was at first deprived of his award, but since marijuana had not been authoritatively prohibited by the Global Olympic Board (IOC), he was eventually ready to keep the gold. Two months after his bombed drug test, the IOC formally prohibited weed because of its illegal status as a social medication.

The politicization of pot

As the conflict on drugs was pursued on America's roads, it was likewise working out in sports fields all over the planet. "We needed to draw an illustration from Nagano," IOC Chief General Francois Carrard told the Related Press in 1998. "The IOC needs to stand firm against social medication."

Ruler Alexandre de Merode, executive of the IOC clinical commission at that point, added that marijuana ought to be prohibited despite the fact that it doesn't go about as an exhibition enhancer like steroids.

Roger Pielke JrA specialist in sports administration and a teacher of ecological examinations at the College of Colorado Rock, guarantees that "the more deeply the truth was that the Clinton organisation's emphasis on the enemy of doping guidelines helped serve its homegrown strategy plan, which was centred around pursuing a conflict on drugs."

In 1998, the US swore an exceptional $1 million to help the IOC in its main goal to destroy drugs from world class sports. Barry McCaffrey, head of the Workplace of Public Medication Control Strategy, was inflexible that sporting medications, for example, weed ought to be similarly as a very remarkable need for the worldwide games local area as execution improving medications.

"We raise Olympic competitors up on global platforms for every one of the world's youngsters to gaze upward to as good examples — the message they genuinely should send is without drugs," McCaffrey wrote in a 10-page notice to the IOC. "The objective of this entire exertion should be to forestall Olympic awards and the Olympic development from being discoloured by drugs."

As per Pielke, Rebagliati's case gave the U.S. government the influence it expected to campaign U.S. hostile to doping pioneers to remember pot for the World Enemy of Doping Organization's (WADA) Denied Rundown.

WADA was laid out in 1999 through an aggregate drive driven by the IOC, and keeps up with the World Enemy of Doping Code and disallowed list. Its key job is to normalise against doping guidelines around the world for Olympic games. Chief McCaffrey drove the U.S. designation at the primary authority meeting of WADA, after which "WADA looked undeniably more like the organisation the US and its other worldwide accomplices called for, than the first IOC-shaped WADA" as indicated by a report from the White House Office of Public Medication Control Strategy (ONDCP) on the office's activities and achievements from 1993-2000. The US is likewise the biggest individual supporter of WADA, which gets half of its financing from the IOC, and half from legislatures all over the planet. In 2020, the U.S. promised more than $2.7 million of the $37.4 million WADA financial plan.

Regardless of the U.S. government's position on friendly medications, the ONDCP recognized that the athletic local area itself was less worried about weed than about execution upgrading substances, such as anabolic steroids, which can advance tissue development and muscle age and abbreviate recuperation time after an exercise.

"Over our endeavours to set up an IOC prohibition on maryjane, competitors and sports authorities at all levels — going from Olympians to secondary school mentors to youth competitors — informed ONDCP that they felt that the more pressing medication danger inside the games world was the utilisation of execution improving medications," the ONDCP report expressed. These worries, the report notes, were "deductively grounded" by the consequences of the 1999 Observing the Future review, which reasoned that adolescent steroid utilisation expanded generally half over the earlier year's review.

For what reason is marijuana restricted?

As per WADA, any substance might be remembered for its restricted rundown in the event that it meets two of three models: it can possibly be execution improving, it represents a potential or genuine wellbeing hazard to the competitor, or it disregards the "soul of the game."

WADA didn't answer inquiries from NOVA about the disallowed rundown or marijuana's status on the rundown. Be that as it may, a few ongoing examinations explore whether pot has execution improving characteristics in athletic rivalry. A 2020 writing survey by specialists not related with WADA concluded, "there gives off an impression of being not a great explanation in view of current information to accept that pot has any critical ergogenic [performance-enhancing] impact." A free 2021 survey repeated that end, saying pot "doesn't go about as a game execution upgrading specialist as raised by mainstream views."

"In no conditions is (marijuana) ever an exhibition improving substance. It is a net negative with regards to athletic capacity and execution," says Jeff Anderson, a teacher of radiology and imaging sciences at the College of Utah who concentrates on how the cerebrum answers intensifies tracked down in marijuana. "All in all, individuals affected by THC can't proceed too on mental tests, they have eased back response times, diminished chief capability, diminished consideration."

Twenty years after WADA prohibited pot, U.S. olympic style events runner Sha'Carri Richardson conveyed a show-halting execution at the Olympic preliminaries, trailed by a profound meeting in which she said she took in the week prior to that her introduction to the world mother had passed on. Be that as it may, Richardson's fantasies about contending at the (postponed) 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo were run when she tested positive for THC, recharging a conversation about marijuana's effect on execution.

Since weed was prohibited, the public insight and legitimate scene encompassing its utilisation have changed significantly. While marijuana is unlawful at a government level, clinical weed is legitimate in 37 states, and cannabidiol (CBD) — supposedly involved by 1 of every 7 Americans — is not generally restricted by WADA. In the court of popular assessment, where Rebagliati once found ignominy, Richardson tracked down help, and her case abandoned many scrutinising the science pot's restricted status.

"Drug testing is one more device of the medication war, and it's a disappointment," Kassandra Frederique, chief overseer of the Medication Strategy Coalition, said in an explanation. "Sha'Carri's suspension fills in as a wake up call and a sign of how deceptive the medication war is in our regular daily existence, a long way past the carceral state."

Weed in the body

Under the rules illustrated by WADA, "all regular and manufactured cannabinoids that mirror the impacts of THC are denied, but CBD isn't restricted."

A cannabinoid is a compound that — regardless of the source — communicates with cannabinoid receptors, which are tracked down in virtually every organ in the human body. THC, for instance, influences pot clients by restricting to cannabinoid receptors in and outside the cerebrum, making cells act in an unexpected way. (The receptors additionally tie with the body's normal weed-like synthetics, called endocannabinoids.)

Since the 1998 Winter Olympics, the THC metabolite limit for Olympic competitors has been raised from 15 nanograms for every millilitre to 180, purportedly to just identify in-rivalry utilisation of marijuana. Nonetheless, the period of time weed will remain in an individual's framework relies upon recurrence of purpose and the sum consumed.

This has to do with how weed is used. When smoked, ingested, or generally consumed, cannabinoids are assimilated and held in many pieces of the body, especially greasy tissue. Ultimately, the THC side-effects are delivered and discharged through pee. Nonetheless, day to day customers of weed amass THC quicker than it tends to be taken out from the body, reports Lia Tabackman for Insider Wellbeing.

"Pee testing is one of the most widely recognized drug testing strategies," notes Tabackman. It is additionally generally utilised in first class sports.

As per a 2008 report on drug separating the diary Mayo Facility Procedures, marijuana can be recognized in pee for as long as three days after a solitary use. For moderate clients (4 times each week), marijuana can in any case be distinguished 5 to 7 days after last use. Also, in weighty everyday smokers, it very well may be identified in pee for as long as 30 days or more after they stop.

In any case, with regards to evaluating conduct disability while utilising pot, a Public Organization of Equity concentrate on drove by scientists from RTI Worldwide found that estimating THC levels in blood, pee, and oral liquid were not solid marks of pot inebriation, paying little mind to how the marijuana was drunk.

"Drug testing never really shows current debilitation," Frederique said in a proclamation. The [United States Hostile to Doping Agency] should fix this obsolete, coldhearted, and informal arrangement."

"A genuine or potential well being risk"

As well as restricting it, WADA looks at THC as a substance of misuse, meaning it is "much of the time mishandled in the public eye outside the setting of the game." Cocaine, heroin, and MDMA (delight) are likewise on this rundown.

Some emotional well-being specialists have communicated worry over the improvement of pot use problems, which might prompt expanded nervousness or burdensome issues.

"I'm among the gathering that desires to see marijuana stay on the disallowed list," says David McDuff, a habit, injury, and sports specialist who has served on the IOC's Agreement Board on Emotional wellness in Tip top Competitors.

At the point when McDuff was working at College of Maryland School Park, he says he was stunned by the degree of psychological well-being, side effects and problems inside the school competitor populace, and that the quantity of competitors utilising marijuana consistently bounced across various games.

"I was alluding to the substance abuse cases and large numbers of them had comorbid nervousness or burdensome problems alongside their pot use jumble," says McDuff. "As a clinician, I can't resist the urge to attach its utilisation to decreased execution scholastically and physically."

Different specialists express that while the gamble of pot misuse is genuine, it is out of line to not follow similar guidelines to liquor, which was not generally disallowed starting around 2018.

"Liquor is something far less secure than marijuana use for wellbeing, with regards to grimness and mortality," Angela Bryan, a teacher of brain science and neuroscience at the College of Colorado Rock, told Logical American. "I think [cannabis] ought to be dealt with like different medications that individuals use in light of multiple factors — liquor, caffeine, nicotine. It ought to be managed, however I don't think it ought to be restricted."

McDuff brings up that assuming marijuana is viewed as a substance of misuse, liquor ought to be too. "Liquor use would most likely disregard every one of the three of WADA's standards."

In September, WADA declared that it is exploring pot's status as a denied substance, however that it will stay disallowed in rivalry through 2022. The declaration followed a late spring of negative media consideration and analysis following Richardson's suspension.

Because of a solicitation from legislators to return to its strategies on weed, WADA brought up that by and large, the U.S. has been "one of the most vocal and solid supporters for including cannabinoids on the Precluded Rundown."

"WADA has, for over twenty years, dependably and submissively followed U.S. requests to help with supporting its homegrown medication strategy plan," says Pielke, "just now to wind up dependent upon analysis from U.S. policymakers."

[scuttling]

I said I love you, that's forever

Fandom: Criminal Minds Pairings: Aaron Hotchner/Female Reader Word Count: 5,619 Tags: 18+, NSFW, Dad Bod Hotch, Unprotected sex, Oral sex, Fingering, Reader gets drunk, Brief mention of canon-typical violence Summary: This one is sexy, sweet, and fluffy and features Aaron getting used to his new, healthier body. Inspired by @sleepyreaderreads and this ask. Collection: Just The Way You Are Series, Part 1 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 (Coming Soon!) Part 4 Link to A03 or read below! Being home when Aaron gets home is the best part of having a flexible work arrangement, you have to admit. You’ve been together for five years, but only living together for four months—for one reason or another, mainly his job, it took you a while to reach the cohabitation phase, but neither of you had minded much. You were always spending time together when he was free, and you enjoyed having your own space, so the arrangement worked out for the both of you.

Now, though, as he walks into your home office looking so handsome in a white shirt, black slacks, and burgundy tie, a soft smile on his face, you know without a doubt that you made the right choice by moving in with him. You wouldn’t give this up for anything.

“Hi. How was your day?” he asks, leaning over you for a kiss. He intends to make it quick, but you put your hands on his body, lengthen the kiss, hum against his lips.

“Hmm. It was good. Better now, though.” You hit the keys necessary to lock your desktop and stand, stretch to wrap your arms around his neck. “How was yours?”

“Not bad.” He says it casually, but you can see the stress in the lines around his eyes, his mouth, and you raise a brow in question. “The unit’s being audited. A percentage of our consultations need to be reviewed, updated psychological evaluations completed—on top of everything else, it’s a lot,” he admits with a sigh, and you nod your understanding, brush your fingers through his hair.

“I’ll call Elena and cancel dinner.” You’d planned weeks ago to go out with one of your friends for Indian food, to meet her new boyfriend, but Aaron is clearly having a rough week and it’s only Wednesday. A quiet night in may be just what he needs. “We’ll stay home, I’ll order takeout. We can relax.”

“No, no. I know you’ve been looking forward to this; it’s really alright.” You tilt your head, something of a frown, and he takes your face in his hands, kisses you twice on the mouth. “It’s alright. I want to go out. I want to take you out,” he says, voice low, pulling you in for a slower kiss, and you melt against him, slide your arms around his back instead, pull him closer.

“I want to keep you in,” you murmur when the kiss breaks, and he raises the corner of his mouth in a sexy smile, presses his lips to your nose.

“And miss meeting the one?” You both laugh lightly, because Elena finds the one every couple of months, but she’s a hopeless romantic, always means it at first. It’s endearing, especially when you and Aaron feel a little like an old married couple. “Let’s go out, have a good time. If we stay home, I’ll be tempted to work.” He takes a step back, lets you head out the door and down the hall to your bedroom, so you can get changed; he follows behind, sits down on the bed while you go through your closet.

“I’m sure I could find ways to tempt you not to work,” you say, pushing dresses down the rack until you find one you like: it’s an emerald green mid-length dress, with cap sleeves and a slit up the front, not too formal and not too sexy, perfect for the restaurant where you will be eating.

You pull your t-shirt over your head, bend to slide your leggings off, and Aaron makes a soft noise in the back of his throat.

“Consider me tempted.” You turn around, roll your eyes playfully, and put on the dress, sit down next to him to slip your feet into a pair of nude sandals; you lean in for a kiss, palm pressed to his chest, and it quickly becomes something deep, passionate. Aaron brings a hand to rest against your throat, and you have half a mind to take the dress back off and cancel those plans after all, but you know he wouldn’t let you do that anyway.

You pull back, bite your lip, and give him a very pointed once-over, then stand to finish getting ready. You can feel his eyes on you the entire time. “I’m just saying, he should be on the side of a tub of protein powder or something,” Aaron says later as he unlocks the front door, letting you step in before him. “His arms are bigger than his head.”

“He’s a personal trainer, baby. It’s his job to work out and look buff—he’s like a walking billboard for his business.” You slip your shoes off, hook the straps around your finger, and stroll toward the bedroom. “Elena really seemed to like him.”

“I give them three months.” He’s just a few feet behind you when you turn to shoot him a slightly admonishing look, even if he is probably right. “She seemed more focused on his twelve pack than anything else.”

You toss your phone onto the bed, remove your dress with a soft laugh. “Their relationship is still new; it’s all about the physical. You remember when we were like that, don’t you?” You aren’t exactly surprised when he comes up behind you and glides his hand across your bare stomach, when he brushes your hair away from your neck and kisses you there.

“We were never like that. It was never just physical for me,” he breathes into your ear, and you close your eyes, sink back against him, tilt your neck for more kisses. “I loved you before I loved you. I always just knew.”

“Fuck, Aaron,” you sigh, and you lay your arm along the one on your stomach, reach back with the other to press him closer to you. You lick your lips, turn your head so your face is near his, and he leans in to kiss you and slides his hand into your panties, rubs his fingers over your pussy.

You’re already a little wet from his hands on you, his mouth, but as always, he turns you on effortlessly; your face heats, your heart races, your breath quickens. Your pussy becomes almost unbearably slick, your moans against his lips gentle and pleading, and he removes his hand and slides your underwear down, guides you onto the bed.

You watch, panting, as he removes his tie, then takes off his belt, his pants; you can’t go without touching him for long, and you move to sit up so you can reach for him, pull him closer. You work at the buttons of his shirt from the bottom while he starts at the top, and you take it off together, then slip your hands into his boxers and push them down.

You immediately want to take him into your mouth, thick and hard as he is, and you slide your hands up his stomach, beneath his undershirt, in anticipation of that; you don’t get very far before he lays you back on the bed again, on your side this time. His forcefulness makes you ache to have him inside you, and he crowds in behind you, slides an arm beneath you and wraps his hand around you, over your breast, holding you tightly. You tip your head back, whimper, because he’s going to be so good to you as always and the waiting is almost too much to bear.

“You know I’ve got you,” he whispers, squeezing you, and you nod in response; he lifts your leg and hooks it back over his thigh, then pushes inside you, sinks fully into your wet heat. You exhale, a sigh of pleasure, and he mouths at your jaw, nibbles at your ear while he thrusts slowly but completely. “Hmm. This may not be new, but you’re always perfect for me. Doesn’t that feel so good?”

“So good, so good.” It’s difficult for you to really move in this position, though you rock your hips almost involuntarily into his thrusts, but he takes care of you, nips at the back of your neck, pounds inside you, brings you so close so quickly you almost forget to breathe. Your hands are on him anywhere you can reach, desperate for contact. “Aaron, mmm, god.”

“I know, baby.”

He puts his free hand behind your knee, bends your leg, folds it up by your chest so he can pump his cock faster, harder, and you feel surrounded by him—his hands on your body, his hot grunts of effort in your ear, the faint smell of cologne that lingers after a long day familiar to your nose. You're a little overwhelmed by it all, but pleasantly so, and when he comes you come, clenching tightly around him as he spills deep.

“Perfect,” he whispers tensely, nuzzling against your throat, and he slides out, brings your leg down, runs his hands tenderly over your body like you’re something delicate. “I love you.” You turn your head toward him, say it back, and he presses his palm to your cheek, treats you to a deep, wet kiss, then brushes his thumb over your lips. “Every time I kiss you, it feels like the first time.”

“For me too,” you say with a tired smile, running your fingers through his hair, and he kisses you again before patting your hip and telling you to go get cleaned up, that he’ll take care of the bedding. When you come back, he’s in his boxers and t-shirt, legs tucked under a fresh comforter, and you slide in next to him and curl up beneath his arm. It’s a couple weeks later when you decide to bring Aaron lunch at the office; things seem much calmer lately, but the team’s cases have been back to back, and he’s been out of town a lot. You have to take the opportunity when you can, and that means showing up with a bag of Mexican food and a smile and hoping he’s not too busy to eat with you.

You get checked into the building and head for the BAU bullpen, stopping to chat with the team for a few minutes. You loosely plan for dinner or drinks in the future, make a promise to pop in and see Penelope before you leave, and then head up to Aaron’s office, knock lightly on the doorframe.

“Hungry, handsome?” Aaron looks up from his stack of paperwork with a smile, then slowly runs his eyes over you—you’re wearing a sweater, jeans, boots, nothing revealing in the slightest, but he makes you feel very warm and very naked nonetheless.

“Yes. For lunch, too,” he says, and you roll your eyes, a little bashful, and enter his office, setting down the bag of food you brought after he clears space on the desk. He stands, pulls you close for a hug and kiss, and then you unpack lunch, spread containers out over the desk. “Burritos? Are you trying to beef me up?” he asks, and you look up at him, lift your brow.

“Were you expecting salads? I’m feeding a super special FBI agent here, you need your strength.”

“We’ve only been living together for five months and it’s already getting hard to button my pants,” he grumbles, but he peels back the foil on the one labeled pollo asado without further complaint, takes the hot sauce when you hand it to him.

“So we’ll go up a size. It’s a good thing you’re not living off of coffee and vending machine protein bars anymore. You’ve been needing someone to feed you up for a while—and besides, I don’t mind if your pants are unbuttoned,” you say, licking sauce off of your thumb. “Nothing hotter than a well-fed Fed.” He rolls his eyes, and you sit down to eat.

When the hour is up, you pack up the leftovers, give him a longer, slower kiss goodbye, and pat his stomach, which makes him groan. “Any harder and the button might pop,” he jokes, and you laugh, shake your head.

“Don’t be dramatic. I love this tummy. Might even grab onto it later, you know?” You slowly wet your lips, then smile, and take a step back, take the paper bag and head out the door. “See you tonight, love you.”

“Devil woman,” he calls after you, and you grin the whole way to Penelope’s office.

“Light in the darkness,” she says when she opens the door to find you on the other side. “How did god know I needed to see an angel today?”

“Oh, I don’t know about all that, but I have some extra chips and guac from lunch if you need a pick me up.” She eagerly accepts your offering, and you take a seat next to her, dip a couple of chips half-heartedly, still full from your burrito. “So how have you been? Busy supporting the cutest group of crime fighters since Scooby Doo?” She laughs, nods her head.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much the extent of it. When it rains creepy crimes, it pours, apparently. I think we’re all in desperate need of a vacation at this point—and a puppy.” She hits a few keys, pulls up a screensaver that is just a compilation of fluffy puppy photos, and you both sigh.

“Aw, a puppy would be nice. I don’t even dream about vacations anymore; I’ve come to terms with the fact that Aaron will never be the vacationing type.”

“Not even the honeymoon type?” she asks, looking at you over her glasses, and you crunch on a chip, shake your head.

“I doubt it, and we’re not there yet, anyway. I’d consider myself lucky if he took more than two days off in a row.”

“He’s always been like that—working himself too hard,” she says sadly, as if to let you know it has nothing to do with you. You know that, but can’t deny it would be nice to have more than the weekend with him. “As long as I’ve known him, at least.”

“And I get it: what you guys do is important, and I wouldn’t want him to change himself for me. I guess we all just have our things.” You smile, and she does too, reaches out to pat you on the arm.

“Could be worse, honey. Could always be worse.” She hits a few keys on the keyboard again, and up pops a man’s mugshot. “This guy’s girlfriend had to find out he’s been killing women and chopping them up in an industrial food processor.”

You’re glad you already had lunch, because the imagery is enough to make you lose your appetite for several hours.

Your stomach eventually comes around, and you and Aaron have a quiet dinner—chicken, potatoes, and “a salad, since you’re watching your figure now” you tease—and then you ask if he’d be okay with calling it a night a little early. He agrees, and you take him to bed and undress, then slowly pull off all his clothes, running your hands over his body as you go.

“So big and strong,” you murmur as you brush your palms over his shoulders, press your lips to his bare chest. “Unbearably sexy.”

“Used to be stronger,” he sighs as you trail your mouth lower, sink to your knees, smooth your hands down his thighs.

“I used to be perkier; still want me, don’t you?” You look up at him, wink, and he reaches down to cup your cheek with a big hand; you nuzzle into it, happy, content, just like always.

“I’ll always want you.”

“Good. And I’ll always want you.” Just in case the words aren’t enough, you bring your hands to his stomach, massage it a little, run your tongue slowly over the length of his cock. “Mmm. Lay down for me?”

He does, and you climb on top of him, lean in to kiss him slowly, deeply, skimming neatly trimmed nails over his chest. You kiss along his throat, down to his stomach, and then wrap a hand around the base of his dick and put your mouth on him, the other hand pressed lightly against his stomach while you suck him off.

Your pace is easy, your hand moving in time with your tight lips and hollow cheeks, and you squeeze his tummy, moan your pleasure, and flick your eyes up to his face. His lips are soft around a sigh, but his brows are tensely knit, and he brings a hand to your chin, caresses you lightly when he floods your mouth, when you swallow for him and lick him clean.

“Fuck, baby,” he breathes, and you crawl up his body, kiss his cheeks and his lips and then whimper when he presses your back against the bed.

His fingers find you soft and wet and open, and he pushes two of them inside, leans over you to mouth wetly at your throat, your breasts. You weave your fingers into his hair, grip his shoulder, moan his name, and he makes you come quickly, expertly, in that practice makes perfect kind of way. He kisses your lips as you sigh, sink against the bed, then rubs his hand over your chest and hums.

“Perky,” he says in your ear, and then you both laugh, and you pull him down on top of you for a quick cuddle before going to the bathroom to get ready for bed. A couple of Fridays later, it’s your turn to host girls night, so you’re in the kitchen putting together a charcuterie board and mixing up cocktails when Aaron walks in, looking casual and cuddly in jeans and a quarter-zip fleece sweatshirt. You know he plans to set up camp in his office, but you kind of wish he wouldn’t just so you’d get to look at him some more.

“Gorgeous man,” you say, peering up at him as you wrap your arm around his waist. “Can I interest you in a paloma?” You lift up a pink cocktail and he laughs lightly, guides your hand back toward the counter.

“You can’t, but I will take a beer for the road.” You shrug your shoulders, let him go so he can walk over to the fridge; you take a sip of the drink you offered him, wince a little—it’s a bit strong for a girls night in, but it won’t kill anyone—and Aaron caches the expression, holds back a smile. “Are you going to end up drunk tonight? Should I prepare for the worst?”

“Ha ha. I don’t plan on it, but if I do, just throw me over your shoulder and put me to bed.”

“It’s cute that you think that works,” he says, bending to kiss you on the cheek, and then the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it, baby. Keep… rearranging your cheese.” He smiles, you smile back, a little exasperated, and he goes to answer the door.

A short time later, you and your friends are gathered in the living room, sprawled across the sectional sofa with drinks and snacks. You’re maybe a little tipsy, and when the topic turns to Elena’s now ex-boyfriend, the personal trainer, you’re just uninhibited enough to weigh in.

“I don’t know what you saw in him anyway. He spent so much time in front of the mirror, I would have been insecure that he was going to leave me for himself.” Your friend Jada laughs, and you preen, take another sip of your drink.

“She just misses his dick; the new guy isn’t working with much. What’s his name? Chester? Charlie?”

“Clifford,” Elena says, pulling out her phone, “and no, he’s not working with much, but he’s really cute. Look at him.” She shows you a photo from her camera roll, and Clifford looks just like the personal trainer, but with brown hair instead of blond.

“Not my type,” you dismiss with a wave of your hand, “but clearly he’s yours, so congrats, really. You can work around the small dick thing.”

“What is your type?” your other friend Michelle asks. “I’ve never been able to pin it down.” You open your mouth to answer but frown after a moment.

“I’ve never really had one, I guess. I know what I don’t find attractive, but what I do find attractive?” You think on it for a minute, and all you can imagine is what you already have. You can’t help smiling wide. “I mean, if I had to say, I guess just Aaron.” Your friends chime in with a chorus of aww, and you shush them. “I just think he’s perfect, you know? He’s smart and sweet and secretly funny; tall, and strong, but not in a ‘spends all day at the gym’ way—no offense. He’s a little softer, I can wrap myself up in his arms. It’s nice.”

“I’m with you,” Jada says. “A hard body might be nice to look at, but I need something to grab onto in the middle of the night.”

“Yes! Something to grab onto, and Aaron is perfect for that. He’s such a good cuddler, and he’s heavy, in a sexy way, like when he’s on top of me.” Okay, so you’re definitely a little drunk, never this loose-lipped about your sex life, but it’s all true regardless. “And he’s nice to look at—so nice to look at. The most handsome man I’ve ever seen.”

You could go on talking about Aaron for the rest of the night, but topics change and you have enough sense not to ramble any further; you don’t have the sense to stop drinking, though, so by the time your friends leave, you’re puttering around trying to clean up the kitchen, and not doing a very good job of it. Aaron finds you, makes a soft sound and puts his arms around you from behind, effectively stilling your motions.

“Let’s go to bed, baby,” he murmurs into your hair, and you sink back against his body, sigh happily.

“I want to go to bed—I want to go to bed with you. I always want to go to bed with you, because I love you.”

“I know, sweetheart, I love you, and we’re going to go to bed right now. We can clean up tomorrow.” You let him lead you down the hall, but you only make it halfway to the bedroom before you turn around in his arms, try to pull him down to your level. He’s so tall it can sometimes be annoying.

“I love you. I want you, always. You’re my type.” He laughs, bends to kiss you softly and tries to walk you backward toward the bedroom.

“Thank you. You’re my type, too, and I want you always.” You nod, because that’s good. You should be his type, since he loves you. That just makes sense.

“I want a puppy—a fluffy baby puppy with you. I’ll be the puppy mom and you’ll be the puppy dad.”

“A puppy,” he repeats, and you make it to the bedroom: you can tell because he sits you gently on the bed, helps get you out of your jeans. “We could get a puppy, if that’s something you want. I can walk it in the mornings before work, you can walk it on your lunch.”

You make a happy sound, because you hadn’t expected him to say that. You figure asking for one more thing can’t hurt, while you’re on a roll.

“I want a vacation, too, please. A beach vacation—I want to see you in swim trunks, your hair all wet, and I want to feel your skin warm from the sun.” He pulls your top over your head and walks away from you; when you make a sound of protest, he assures you he’ll be right back, and he returns with one of his t-shirts, helps you put it on.

“You want a beach vacation?” He turns down the bed, maneuvers you under the covers, then starts undressing himself. “What brought that on?”

“I don’t know. Just want to go away with you,” you say, and you can feel yourself drifting now that you’re cozy in bed, wearing Aaron’s clothes, soft pillows all around you. “A vacation, or a—a honeymoon.”

Aaron says something in response to that, but you can’t make it out, too busy falling asleep and imagining the scent of sunscreen and the feel of thick fingers rubbing it into your shoulders. You wake with a bit of a headache, and a dry mouth, and a warm body at your back, an arm loosely slung around your waist. You groan and press back against Aaron, and he leans forward to brush his lips over your ear and chuckle lightly against it.

“I think you went a little overboard,” he says, and he smooths your unruly bedhead back away from your face. “There’s water and ibuprofen on the nightstand. If you’re feeling up to it, I think a shower would do you some good. I’ll make breakfast.” He presses several soft kisses to your cheek and chin, and you close your eyes, hum your contentment.

“I love you, do you know that?”

“I do know that,” he breathes, and he runs his hand over your hip in a way that makes you wish you had more energy and less aching in your temples. “You said it a lot last night—I also couldn’t help overhearing you say I’m the most handsome man you’ve ever seen.”

“Well that’s true. Incredibly handsome,” you agree tiredly, and he presses his lips to your neck in the form of soft, smacking kisses.

“You also said you wanted a honeymoon,” he murmurs, and you open your eyes comically wide, slide up to a seat, look down at his face to try to read his expression.

“I did?” He nods, clearly trying not to smile at your surprise.

“Yes, you did. I’m not clear on the details, though—would that include a wedding, or were you planning on skipping over that part?” You lean over him, hide your face against his shoulder, and he laughs softly, rubs his hand up and down your back. “We’ve never talked about it, but it seems that’s something I should have at least brought up. We just took our time moving in together, and I didn’t want to rush that if you weren’t ready. Are you ready?” he asks quietly, and you pull back to look at him—his open expression, soft features, curious eyes.

“In theory, or in practice?” You have to ask, because this is Aaron, and he’s amazing, but he’s not a grand gestures type of man—if he’s asking you to marry him, you want to be very clearly on the same page to avoid miscommunication. He smiles, runs his hand down your arm.

“In theory.” You think of what it would mean, how it would feel, being married to the best man you’ve ever met, the kindest, most open-hearted (if occasionally grumpy) person, and the answer comes easily.

“Yes, I’m ready in theory.” His smile grows, and you match it, leaning down for a kiss. Then, he moves out from under you, reaches behind himself, into his nightstand, and rummages around for a moment before returning with a blue velvet box that he just holds, so casually, in his hand.

“How about in practice?” Your heart sinks to your stomach in the best way, and you can’t find the words even though you know exactly what you want to say. You bite your lip, and your eyes water a little; Aaron presses his palm to your cheek, and you meet in the middle for a slow, sweet kiss, exhaling softly when you pull apart.

You nod your head.

“Yes, I’m ready in practice.” You kiss again, a bit less sweet, weaving your fingers into his hair, and he pulls you down, makes you laugh, covers you with his body and kisses your face until you’re both out of breath.

“That’s good, because I want to make an honest woman out of you if we’re going to have a baby.” You freeze beneath him—did you talk about children last night, too, in your drunken haze?—and he chuckles, leans back so you can better see his face. “A fluffy baby puppy, remember? I’ll be the puppy dad and you’ll be the puppy mom.” You smack his chest, which he finds hilarious, and then you put your hands on his arms and sigh.

“Let me see that ring, please.” He props himself up on his elbows, opens the box for you: it’s sparkling, beautiful, exactly what you would have chosen for yourself, and you pluck it out, hold it up, and then hand it back so he can slide it onto your finger. “How long has this been in that drawer?”

“Since you moved in,” he says, and he takes your hand, kisses it, and admires your new accessory. “It was in my sock drawer before that, and I’m honestly not sure how long it was there. Two years, at least.” You frown just so you won’t cry, and he leans in to press his lips to the downturned curve of yours. “I told you, I always just knew.”

You deepen the kiss, run your hands over his sides beneath the soft t-shirt he slept in; his fingers move to the hem of the t-shirt you slept in as if to remove it, and you pause, pull back.

“No, wait, I’m gross. How are you even kissing me right now?” Aaron rolls his eyes, presses his mouth to yours repeatedly despite your half-hearted protests.

“Because I don’t care about morning breath, I’m marrying you.” He puts his hands in your hair, continues kissing, and you know resistance is futile; he wants you regardless, just as you are, and you would feel the same if roles were reversed—you do, every day.

“Mmh, okay but. At least let me. Shower first,” you mumble against his lips, and he rolls his eyes, leans back so he’s on his knees hovering over you, hands on his thighs.

“Would that make you feel better?” You nod happily, and he climbs off the bed, pulls you to your feet. “In that case, you go shower, and I’ll make breakfast as planned. And then, if your conditions are met, princess,” you wrinkle your nose, and then you both laugh, “I think I would like to make love to my fiancée, if that’s something that would interest you.”

“I’m very interested in that,” you agree, winding your arms around his neck, and you allow him one more kiss before you shuffle toward the shower, standing under the spray long enough to feel fully human again.

You drink the water, take the ibuprofen, and throw on his quarter-zip sweatshirt from the night before, and then meet him for eggs, toast, fruit, and kisses. He’s cleaned up the mess from last night, brewed a fresh pot of coffee, and you fall a little bit in love all over again.

After breakfast, you make it as far as the couch, flat on your back with the sweatshirt hiked up around your stomach and Aaron’s head between your thighs; you moan, tug on his hair as he drags his tongue repeatedly through the wetness that clings to your pussy, and when he makes you come you close your legs around his shoulders, squeezing tightly, back arching off of the couch.

“Mmm. Should have locked you down a lot sooner,” you pant, encouraging him to climb on top of you. He licks his lips and leans in for a warm, soft kiss.

“I’ve been locked down since our first date. You wore a blue dress and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.” You pull his shirt over his head, and he pushes his boxers off, guides his cock inside you and plants his hands, noses along your cheek. “And now you’re mine.”

You can’t remember the last time you had sex in broad daylight—or the living room, for that matter—so each roll of his body, heavy and smooth against yours, is that much hotter as the sun shines in through the window, as birds chirp from the tree just outside. Your moans feel louder, more indecent, and you hold onto his ass, run a hand up his back, while he groans in your ear, whispers things like fuck and baby and mine.

“Aaron, please,” you sigh, digging your fingertips into his hips, and he kisses you, thrusts harder, knows what you need without having to hear it. He’s getting close too, huffs hot breath against your cheek, and you squeeze him tighter, press up against him. “Yes, hmm. I’ve got you, baby.” You move a hand to his hair, carding fingers through it, and he rests one gently over your throat, kisses you deep and wet, passionate, pounds against you until he comes.

He slides his hand down your body, rubs his fingertips over your clit, and this time your orgasm is softer, and you bite at his shoulder just to feel more connected, even though he is still inside you, heavy above you. You cling to him, catch your breath, and then you kiss a little before hurrying to get cleaned up and hoping you don’t make a mess of the couch.

When you reconvene in the living room, windows open, curtains blowing softly in the breeze, Aaron is on the couch with his laptop on his thighs. You plop down next to him, peer over his shoulder, and he raises his eyebrow and smiles.

“What do you think of Golden Retrievers?” You rest your head against him, look at the screen full of fuzzy yellow puppies, and sigh, content.

Taglist 🤍: @thaddeusly @arsonhotchner @mrsh0tchner @ssahotchie @sleepyreaderreads @mintphoenix @meghannnnnn @disgruntledchowchow @azenpal @g-l-pierce @my-rosegold-soul @ssamorganhotchner @heliotropehotch @angelhotchner @qtip-blog @gspenc @wishuhadstayed @averyhotchner @hotforhotchner11 @itsmytimetoodream @unicornprancing @uchihasteph @mugi-chwan95 @madamsnape921 @hxtchncr

[freddyfreebat]

Jack Dylan Grazer Discovers Who He Is in Luca Guadagnino's “We Are Who We Are”

After supporting roles in the It and Shazam!, the young actor shifts gears with his turn as a capricious army brat in the Call Me By Your Name director's new HBO series.

by Iana Murray / Photography by Nik Antonio  —  September 14, 2020

A few years ago, Jack Dylan Grazer took a trip to the movie theater. He was in Toronto and it was one of his days off from filming Shazam!, the DC comedy in which he plays the shape-shifting hero’s foster brother. He decided to watch Call Me By Your Name, and he immediately fell for it. Grazer took note of the director’s name that appeared in the credits—Luca Guadagnino—and turned to his mother.

“I want to work with him,” he told her. With eerie prescience, she assured him: “You will.”

Whether Grazer, now 17, has a knack for manifestation, or it was all just happenstance, his wish came true in the form of We Are Who We Are, Guadagnino’s coming of age drama which follows a group of army brats living on an American military base in Italy. Thematically, the show is something of a spiritual successor to Call Me By Your Name: Grazer plays Fraser, a tempestuous 14-year-old with a pair of headphones constantly plugged in his ears. He’s the new arrival at the base with his mothers (Chloë Sevigny and Alice Braga), and quickly forms a deep bond with his neighbour, Caitlin (Jordan Kristine Seamon), as they both wrestle with their sexuality and identity in the midst of domestic troubles and teenage debauchery.

“He’s an enigma to himself,” Grazer says of his character. “He doesn’t really understand a lot of the things he does but he’s so forthright so he convinces himself that he knows everything. He feels like other people don’t deserve his intelligence. But he’s also very volatile and aggressive at times, and not because he’s coming from an angry place but because he’s constantly questioning who he is.”

If Fraser is just beginning his coming of age when we first meet him, Grazer is inching closer to the end. Starring in enormous blockbusters including IT, he became the Loser Club’s resident hypochondriac at age 12 and a superhero’s sidekick by 15. His films have grossed a combined total of over $1.5 billion. Suddenly the stakes are multiplied tenfold during what are ostensibly, and horrifyingly, the most awkward years of your life. Every misstep is now being monitored, examined through a microscope of millions. (See: His 3.8 million fans on Instagram, to say nothing of the countless stan accounts.) Child fame is a disarming transaction like that: a stable career and all the other perks of being a celebrity, but at the cost of normalcy. That unalleviating pressure forces a kid to mature fast.

Grazer is acutely aware of this fact, admitting outright that he’s “not a normal person.” But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I became 70 when I was 7!” he laughs. “I don’t know if I really had much of a childhood. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to grow up really fast.”

Nevertheless, he’s still 17. When we meet over Zoom, his shoulder length curls are damp and disheveled (he just got out of the shower), his black painted fingernails contrast with his brightly-lit, white bedroom as he rests his face on his hand. It’s a Saturday morning and he looks tired: It’s his first week back at school, which has traded classrooms for hours of video calls reminiscent of the one we’re currently on. “It feels like the days are shorter because the teachers don’t want to torture their students by keeping them on a computer for six hours a day,” he tells me. “You do miss the social aspect of being at school.”

If you were to judge Grazer by what’s out there on the internet, you’d expect an anarchic and relentless bundle of energy. A quick YouTube search brings up results like “jack dylan grazer being a drama queen” and “jack dylan grazer being chaotic in interviews for 4 and a half minutes straight.” He trolled a YouTube gamer on Instagram Live. His TikToks are inscrutable.

But here, he’s incredibly earnest, as he excitedly talks about his skateboarding hobby (a skill he picked up after auditioning for Mid90s) and his attempts to learn the flute (“I need to learn how to read sheet music, but it’s like reading Hebrew!”). He’s calm and thoughtful, as if this project we’re discussing requires a shift in sensibility.

For Grazer, acting had always simply been fun. While other kids might take up a sport or get hooked on video games, he performed in musical theater with the Adderley School because he “just wanted to play.” His roles so far have been reflective of his carefree approach to the job: Up until now, he’s portrayed best friends with biting one-liners, or the younger version of the protagonist in a flashback. IT is a prime example of both. In the horror franchise, Grazer plays a neurotic germaphobe running from a fear-eating clown, but in reality, the film felt like “summer camp.” Both films never felt like work; he just learned his lines and got to hang out on extravagant sets with his best friends. Likewise, school amounted to being pulled off set by a teacher in between takes to cram in the mandatory hours.

But with We Are Who We Are, he steps into his first leading role, one that required him to convey longing and confusion through Elio-like physicality and subtext. It’s abnormal to talk about the show as a turning point for an actor who isn’t even a legal adult yet, but Grazer explains that the show required him to radically change his approach to acting. He spent six months in Italy (“It felt like I was in Call Me By Your Name.”) and built up the character beyond what was on the page in collaboration with Guadagnino. “His philosophy is that we know our characters better than anyone else—even the writers—because we are the characters essentially,” he explains.

In many ways, Grazer absorbed that philosophy entirely. He describes the experience less as a performance and more like a “rebirth”—perhaps even an attempt at method acting. Over those months in Italy, the distinctions between actor and character gradually became indistinguishable. “I had no other choice but to act and surrender to Fraser entirely and throw Jack Dylan Grazer out the window,” he says. “I would go out and get a coffee as Fraser and walk like Fraser. That was just me trying to get into [character], but then I slipped at some point and just became Fraser.”

One day on set, he looked at himself in the mirror, and the hardened kid standing there with a bleach-blond dye job and oversized shorts was unrecognizable to him. He could only see Fraser. While talking about his character, he seems to unintentionally switch pronouns, from “he” to “I”, as if the two still remain one and the same.

The process was so transformative that it forced him to re-evaluate himself entirely. “I never really struggled with identity before,” Grazer tells me. “But I think the show opened up my eyes to question myself. Being Fraser forced me to question what I wanted and what I stood for and what I believed in. At some points, the show bled into reality.”

When asked how he has changed, he takes a pause and a pensive swivel in his armchair, unsure of how to answer. “I think I was more ignorant before I did the show,” he says, and he leaves it at that.

Coming of agers are a particularly well-trodden genre, but there’s a naturalistic, raw energy to We Are Who We Are that is distinctive from what we’ve seen before. Each character quietly struggles with their own problems and growing pains—for Fraser, it’s his sexuality. Caught in a fraught relationship with his lesbian mother and an infatuation with another man, his story doesn’t tick off the familiar beats. His personal discovery is instead internal and intimate. "I think every single person born as a boy has this guard. It’s this guard that they don’t even realize they have, where they’re initially like, ‘Being gay? I could never.’ But we’re all born as humans who are attracted to whatever we’re attracted to," he says. "I think that’s how Fraser interprets it as well. Yes, he’s reserved and nervous about it in the beginning because he’s unlocking this new idea for himself. He’s figuring it out, and that’s what you see in the show: him coming to terms with this idea."

As our conversation winds to a close, I ask him if Martin Scorsese ever visited the set—his daughter, Francesca, plays the confident cool girl of the show’s teen cohort—and his eyes widen. “That was actually a really stressful day,” he divulges. Still, he revels in the memory, speaking so fast it’s like someone has put him on 2.5x speed as he shows off his impersonation of Guadagnino. The director was so nervous about Scorsese’s presence that production halted that day.

“Luca was like, ‘I cannot do this today because Martin Scorsese is on my set. I don’t know what to do, this is not good for me. I will have a panic attack before the day ends,’” Grazer says in his best Italian accent. “It’s like if you’re a painter and Van Gogh shows up.” 

Admittedly, Grazer is also a self-proclaimed superfan of the Wolf of Wall Street director, and afterwards, he got to spend several days with his idol, as they went on lavish restaurant outings in Italy and talked about anything and everything.

He takes a second to compose himself. A giddy, Cheshire cat smile spreads across his face. The kid in him comes flooding back.

“...Oh my god!” he yells. “I met Martin Scorsese!”

[leejungchans]

— reunited.

🆕 ask juliet anything!! | juliet’s masterlist

word count: 1.3k

warning(s): none!!

note: words in bold are spoken in english!!

set in early 2017

summary: in which juliet bumps into someone very, very familiar and dear to her heart.

Juliet nods her head along to the music playing from her earphones as she peruses the snack aisle in the supermarket. Her classes ended a bit earlier today, giving her more time before she has to be at the company for training. What better way to spend that time than getting snacks to share with the others during their breaks?

Definitely chocolate, she thinks as she grabs a bar from one of the shelves, pausing for a few seconds before grabbing two more. Who am I kidding? We’ll inhale it within thirty seconds if I get just one. What if I also got chips? Or is that too much if we’re going to get tteokbokki after training?

Sighing, Juliet looks wistfully at the assortment of snacks before lowering her head and speed-walking through the aisle. If I can’t see it, I won’t be tempted.

Stopping by the dairy section, she reaches for a bottle of banana milk after much deliberation between it and the strawberry milk. This specific brand of flavoured milk was the first thing she had after landing in South Korea, and since then she’d always try to have either before practice or evaluations as a good luck charm whenever possible.

Juliet is about to head to the cashier when she spies a boy around her age standing only a few feet away from her looking at the selection of bottled tea. Her heart skips a beat when she catches the side profile of the boy. It can’t be him... can it? But he looks so awfully similar to...

Before she can be sure, the boy makes his choice and disappears behind the aisle she was just in. Juliet finds herself following after him. She wanted—no, needed—to confirm she hadn’t been seeing things, that he is indeed who she thinks he is. It’s been so long since she’s seen him, she can’t just leave without being sure.

Doing her best to act natural, she walks back to the snack aisle and grabs a bag of spicy chips, pretending to read the label when she’s really trying to get a better look at the boy out of the corner of her eye. Unfortunately, the boy isn’t near enough for her to be sure, and before Juliet can inch closer to him, he leaves the aisle.

Damn it, I knew I should’ve put on my glasses.

Hastily shoving the bag of chips back into its original place, Juliet hurries to catch up with him, carefully peeking behind the shelves to see which section he went into.

Wait... do I look suspicious right now? What if someone’s watching me through the CCTV and thinks I’m trying to steal something? The thought causes her to shudder, hoping she’ll get her answer as quickly as possible so she won’t have to act like this anymore.

Passing through the aisles, Juliet finally finds the boy looking at the instant ramen before casually slipping in and grabbing a random one from the shelf, once again watching him using her peripheral vision. Is this weird? This is so weird. Man, if he’s not who I think he is, I would’ve done all this for nothing... Fuck! He’s looking this way! Don’t look at him, don’t look at him, don’t look at him... 1790mg of Sodium... interesting... what riveting information...

So deep in thought, Juliet doesn’t realises that he’s approaching her until she feels him trying to squeeze past her in the narrow corridor in an effort to leave. Jumping in surprise from the sudden contact, the bowl of ramen slips from Juliet’s hold and falls to the ground with a clatter.

“Sorry!” they both squeak in unison, the boy crouching down to pick up the ramen before she can do so herself. When he looks up to hand it back to her, they freeze upon getting a good look at the other’s face, eyes widening with realisation.

“Felix?”

“Juliet?”

Huge smiles slowly spread across their faces after getting over the initial shock before they pull each other in a hug.

“It’s so good to see you!” Juliet squeals. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here now!” Felix explains once they separate, laughing when her eyes widen comically at his revelation.

“Shut the front door. Really?”

“Yeah! I auditioned for JYP a while ago and got accepted, and they told me to move here immediately. I wanted to contact you, but I think you changed your phone number...”

“Oh, I did,” Juliet says sheepishly. “But I’m glad we ran into each other here! Well, not really ran into... I was kinda following you around the store like a creep because I was trying to make sure if you were really... you.”

Felix giggles. “Were you? I didn’t notice. I just thought you were another student trying to buy snacks after school.”

“I mean... that part’s true,” Juliet says with a grin as they walk back to the cashier to pay. “But anyways, it’s so great that you’re with JYP now! Are you doing okay with settling in and stuff?”

He nods slowly. “I think so, I’m still adjusting to the culture shock and practising my Korean, but the boys there are helping me a lot! One of them is also from Sydney, can you believe it?”

“You’ll have to introduce us sometime then,” she says as she hands the cashier some money while he scans her items. “Plus, you found me now! So if you need anything or just someone to talk to, you can reach me! You have a Korean number now, right?”

He nods again, rummaging for his wallet and phone in his bag before handing the latter to Juliet so she can enter her number in while he pays. The two leave the supermarket with a quick “thank you!” to the cashier as she returns his phone.

“‘Aussie sister’?” Felix laughs, reading the contact name she saved for herself.

“Yeah! You can change it if you want, or if you already met another Aussie sister at JYP,” she pouts. “In that case, I can be ‘Aussie sister #2’ or ‘Julie’ or whatever.”

“Nah, I don’t know any other Aussies here other than you and the boy I mentioned earlier. His name’s Chan, by the way! Where are you going now? To SM?”

Juliet smiles melancholically. “I’m not with SM anymore, Lix,” she says softly, watching his eyebrows crease with worry. “I’m with another company now called KQ. It’s much smaller compared to SM, but I’m happy there and they treat me well, so don’t worry.”

“Well, if you’re happy, then it’s all that matters!” Felix says brightly. “I have to go back to JYP too, but we’ll meet up more now that I’m here, right?” he adds the last part hopefully.

“Definitely! When we have time, I’ll take you to all my favourite food places in this area,” Juliet promises.

Felix beams. “I can’t wait! Take care, okay? And good luck with training.”

“You too. Again, it’s really, really nice seeing you again.”

“Likewise... so, this is goodbye?” he asks when they come to a intersection, being able to tell that Juliet has to go the other route from the direction her feet are pointing at.

“Yeah... but only for now! Remember to text me later so I’ll have your number!”

Felix nods. “I will. I’ll see you around?”

“You bet. I still have so much to tell you,” Juliet tells him before they hesitantly go their separate ways, knowing they both have to be at their companies soon but still wanting to catch up more.

It doesn’t take long for her to turn around to watch Felix’s retreating figure, though she immediately bursts into laughter when he does the same, and the two friends give each other one last exaggerated wave before disappearing into the crowds of people.

Despite the freezing temperature, Juliet feels warm and fuzzy on the inside, overjoyed from seeing her childhood friend for the first time in years while also knowing that there will be more to come now that Felix also lives in Seoul.

Things really are starting to look up.

She walks into KQ’s building with a spring in her step, arms clutching her banana milk and chocolate securely when her phone chimes from a notification. Clumsily fumbling with her uniform skirt’s pocket, Juliet fishes out her phone, instantly grinning at the message that pops up on the lockscreen.

[Unknown Number] [16:03] your aussie bro right here!!! 🐨 fighting today!!!!!!

— bonus!!

juliet following felix around the supermarket trying not to look sus like:

a/n: i can’t believe it took me this long to write a scenario with felix but here it is 🥺🥺 bc they were both in a hurry, they didn’t exactly have time for an emotional reunion but rest assured they were very, very happy to see each other :3 especially for juliet, she was still adjusting to everything and everyone at kq, so when felix came into her life again it made her so happy 🥺💕

[ikykwklk]

— numb | b.c.

A/N: Hi guys! This is my first ever written imagine, so please bear with me if I have any mistakes ㅠㅠ I was actually having constant fight with myself because of this, but I finally did post it! Hope you guys like this and tell me if you guys want me to write more because it would really help me ㅠㅠ

Genre: fluff, angst, cheater!bang chan, idol!bang chan, idol!reader

Dancing has always been your option to escape this cruel world that we live in.

You've always danced your heart out everytime you perform.

And it has always been there whenever you can't express your feelings to others.

"Okay! We're done now!" Your choreographer yelled right after your newest title track ended.

Your group dropped onto the floor right after you got the okay signal from him. Pants and gasps of your members were the only sound that surrounds the dance practice room.

"You did great y/n, I'm relieved that you're a fast learner" your choreographer said as he patted your shoulder, you shot him a tired smile then mumbled a "thank you", "You guys are good to go right after cleaning up the dance practice room, the room is needed for later" your members immediately took their bags and started cleaning the room.

"Hey y/n! Are you coming with us? We'll head to the dorm right after cleaning" one of your members said, Chaeryoung to be exact, as she picked up the pieces of the group's snacks earlier. "Nah, you guys get going, I still have rap lessons later", Chaeryoung nodded and went straight to the door with the other members following behind her.

"Take care y/n, we don't want our newest member to not feel well before our comeback, alright?" Your leader, Yeji said as she sling her bag on her shoulder and head towards the door. "Will do, Unnie, you guys take care too!" They waved for the last time before shutting the door behind you.

You still can't believe that you had been added as 6th member of ITZY right after you auditioned from a year ago. You've worked hard to become an idol and now you're here, you know that you needed to work harder than you did. That's why you wanted to left behind, because you wanted to improve more.

You move towards the speaker to play your title track from it's beginning and ran towards the mirror, posing your position and danced all your heart out.

When the music ended, the door suddenly slammed open leaving a squeak from your lips and watched the door with your brows meeting together.

"Oh, Hey y/n! Didn't know you'd still be here!" You smiled at the people as they start to come inside the room one by one, making the room filled with voices again.

"Hey Jisung Oppa, sorry, I totally forgot that you were using the room after us".

"It's fine! You can still continue practicing, we just came here to eat our dinner, our practice has been cancelled" Jeongin said as he skipped towards the sofa then dropped his bag.

"Is that why Chan Oppa is not with you?" You walked towards them, Minho nodded at you then started to ramble about how the oldest is not taking care of himself again.

Chan was your secret lover, he helped you ever since you moved to Seoul year ago. You both got close and even letting you hide in his studio whenever you don't feel like going back to your dorms. It was that time where you got insecure because of how people see you as a person who doesn't have any emotions.

You aren't actually the kind of person who hides their emotions in front of other people, instead you let out all of your emotions a lot that they often found you as a prey. But as you realized their intentions, you started to become numb, putting walls around you as you meet the old and new faces you've seen in your life.

Only Chan, his members, also known as Stray Kids and your own members, ITZY are the only people who have seen your crazy side, and with you debuting on ITZY, means that the public needs to see your crazy side too, and that what made you overthink about you being an idol.

Chan was the one who came into your mind, and when you told him your worries, he accidentally confessed to you while he comforted you which made you stop crying, he got worried and apologized over and over until he felt your lips against his.

And after that, you never doubted yourself again.

"Can you check on him, y/n? Tell him that the food's on it's way"

"Sure thing, be right back" you walk towards the door then went inside the floor's elevator to your boyfriend's studio.

The boys knew your relationship with their leader, and they're very happy to welcome you in their circle of friends. Since they now have known the oldest weakness, which is you, they don't mind abusing it knowing that it's also for their leader's health.

You and Chan knew that when you enter in a relationship as an idol, it would mean that you two need to be more careful since you haven't even debuted yet and dating one of the well known leader in 4th generation of kpop history. So it means, less time being and seeing each other, but whenever you got the chance to go and visit him in the studio, you would. Even if you need to sacrifice hours of your sleep to  see him.

Because that's what made you both stronger and desired each other more.

Right?

As the elevator dinged, you step outside and walk towards the all known studio that your CEO gave your boyfriend to work on their music.

You opened the door knowing that he'll be wearing headphones, his back facing you with the sounds of keypads tapping filled the studio.

But instead you were welcomed with Chan's back facing you and a girl sitting on his lap, her moans and Chan's groans filled the studio along with their skin slapping.

The door you opened slammed on the wall, making your boyfriend and the girl stopped what they're doing, their closed eyes before are now wide open as they looked at you standing in the studio's door.

You ran outside the studio heading towards the elevator before your vision becomes blurry by the mixed emotions you're feeling at the moment. You hear Chan calling your name behind you but you have no plans on talking to him right now.

Good thing that a staff of the company stepped outside the elevator, you went inside and pushed the dance practice floor quickly. Chan chased after you but the elevator doors closed right in front of him.

As the door closed, you lean back against the elevator wall, stared at the door then tilted your head while looking at your blurred reflection in front of you.

You've been through this already, having your heart shattered by guys before Chan came into your life. He knew about those experiences you had which is why it is hard for you to pinpoint your emotions at him.

Are you mad at him because he knows you like the back of his hand?

Are you mad at him because of what you've seen in his studio?

Or are you mad at yourself because you trusted him with taking care of you heart?

You couldn't care less anymore now. He broke his promise that he will take care of you. It's not new to you anymore, but the pain that Chan had cause you to feel it again, and made your numb self worse than you are before.

So when the elevator dinged to know that you've arrived on the dance practice floor, you shook your head to clear your head with thoughts and went to the boys who are inside the room before.

As you opened the door, heads were turned and you immediately noticed that your members are with the boys. When Yeji saw you she ran towards you and gave you your in-ear monitors.

"Y/N! Manager oppa said that JYP needed to see your performance with us now since their practice are cancelled" Yeji pointed at the Stray Kids members who are sitting on the floor quietly eating their dinner.

"Y/n-ya, where's Chan hyung? Did you told him that the food's here?" Hyunjin asked you as Lia helped you with your in ear monitor and handing your mic.

Before you even got the chance to answer, the dance room's door opened again to reveal JYP, along with your choreographer and your boyfriend, who's head is hanging low while following the two older men inside the room.

Your members and Chan's stood up to greet the three as JYP told the Stray Kids to continue eating as your group start to prepare for your performance in front of him.

"I want to see the dance performance that you prepared, Y/n-ssi. Sorry for the sudden announcement of your evaluation, you needed to be verified that you're qualified to become the part of ITZY," JYP explained your situation while Ryujin went to the computer to prepare your music.

You saw Chan at the corner of your eye as you assured the CEO that it was okay and asked you about your performance in your lessons. You couldn't bring yourself to smile at the man who was talking to you, so you just nod and answered his questions before he asked you to move towards the mirror to look at your performance.

You walked towards in front of the mirror and looked at your friends who was cheering you silently, smiling at you as your eyes landed on Chan, which you shrugged and close your eyes to yourself focus on your performance.

This is what you've been waiting for, now those emotions that you can't express, you can finally show it to them. You should be nervous performing in front of the owner of the company, but you let your emotions take over you, letting everything go and make sure that Chan is listening.

Do you remember you remember (Said)

Remember what you said (Said)

You started talking to me

As if you would give anything to me

Don’t you remember you remember

Remember what you said (Said)

Then you changed

As if you took special pills

Cast blue, my blurred vision

Is this true? You won’t regret this?

My yesterday, my boo boo boo

Lonely life, I like it

I swallowed the water, I got cold

I want you to be ruined, I won’t hold you

You were my yesterday, my boo boo boo

Lonely life, good bye

You look at me with cold eyes

You see me and turn as if you didn’t know me

I just stand here vacantly

I see you who I didn’t know

I can’t help laughing

Now I don’t know you anymore

I’ll forget you woo woo woo

Go away, don’t even look back

I’ll erase you woo woo woo

Go away, don’t even look back

The mixed emotions that you've been bottling in from the events hours ago has suddenly came over to you. You suddenly felt like a new person, you feel like you were the only one watching yourself dance into the rhythm.

When the music stops, you hear applause from your right side, realizing that they've been watching all along. After you give your bow, JYP confirmed that you will be debuting as the 6th member of ITZY and will prepare immediate comeback for your group. You give your thank you's and bowed at your choreographer and the CEO, who is now exiting the room, leaving you with your members, Stray Kids and Chan.

Oh, right. Bang Chan was watching you.

You were pulled into a hug by your members, squealing and congratulating you for being able to debut and join alongside with them. Stray Kids joined in congratulating you for your hard work, but you weren't responding, you weren't happy, you finally became an idol, but why does it feel like nothing?

"Y/n, I'm so sorry please let me expla–"

You turn your back on him and went towards where your backpack is, you took off your in ear monitor and put it inside your bag before you sling it on your shoulder and looked at your friends.

"I'll be going now, enjoy your dinner", you said in a cold tone and walk towards the door.

"Y/n, please talk to me," Chan grabs your wrist tightly with his two hands, you heard his voice shaking, realizing his mistake.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes, there is! Please! Don't leave me, I won't do it again!" You heard Chan starting to cry, your wrist now wet because of his tears falling.

"I only asked you a promise Chan", you said, your back facing him.

"I know, and I am sorry, I wasn't thinking straight, I should've never done it." He pulled you into him, hugging you from behind.

"But please, don't leave me, I can't live without you" he continued as he put his head at the crook of your neck. You hold his arms to let yourself go from him and turn around to look at him.

His black curly locks that you used to play with are messy, his eyes and nose are red because of crying, cheeks that are stained of with his tears, shaking lips as he continue to cry in front of you. Chan wasn't looking at you, he was hanging his head low but enough for you to see his state.

You would've forgive him. But the image of him and the girl earlier keeps flashing back into your head, giving yourself more reason to shut yourself from everyone else.

Now you can't feel anything, you're just there standing in front of him; blank face, your eyes that always holds stars are now just brown orbs filled with darkness and your lips pressed on a line that used to smile back then.

"Then good luck finding a way to live then, Bang Chan Sunbaenim," you bowed and walked away from him.

[organic-guacamole]

second chances song (leak) analysis

we already knew the finale was gonna be really sad but this 1 minute long clip really had me bawling ✋

ok let's do this

I see this song as the full circle ending to the core four's storylines. Which is pretty obvious from the clip.

The way it shows where they were at the start of the series to make you realize just how far they've all come from then. We can't really make out much of the lyrics but what we can pull out from it just shows exactly what each character's plot was and maybe still is/will be in (the potential) season 3.

Nini:

"I'm finding who I want to be"

Ever since season 1, Nini's been trying to find her place in the world. Starting with "putting herself out there" after the initial breakup with Ricky, and being inspired to audition for the lead of the musical. She's always wanted to stand out and be someone rather than just someone to someone. After each of her breakups she's eventually gotten stronger in some way, but still she feels lost and sometimes forgotten. Her going to YAC at the beginning of this season and immediately trying to make a name for herself in a place where no one knew her shows us how badly she wants to feel known and loved.

Whatever happens in this episode, whether it be the music producing opportunity from Jamie or not, is giving her a second chance to find herself.

EJ:

"I thought I knew what I wanted"

This one is easy. Since season 1 we saw EJ being extremely sure of himself and confident on his future, everything went his way all the time and he felt he was set for life. Then he learned something, he's not always going to be number 1. Sometimes stepping back and making a re-evaluation of your life and choices is necessary to move forward, he discovers this during the musical, "I'm not the Troy you want" and "Some wonderstudies we are". In season 2 he finally realised that it's ok to not have extreme certainty for his future. For years it's been embedded in his mind that, no matter what, he's going to Duke and he is going to be just as successful as his dad. There was no question about it and he didn't know he could. With some help he found that things can change because people change. Maybe his dad accepted that he's not going to Duke, but is pressuring him to make a new decision immediately.

His second chance could be him finally accepting that it's okay to not know at any given point, and finally break free from his family's expectations and do what he wants to do.

Gina:

"I'm sick of when I'm on the run"

As we know, Gina is accustomed to her mom's job uprooting whatever life they've settled into, to start a new one elsewhere. This line could mean that she's moving again but this time doesn't have a choice to stay. She said at the beginning of the season that her mom is letting her stay with Ashlyn until the end of the semester. I'm not 100% sure how American schools work but I'm pretty sure the semester is ending very soon. East High was the first place Gina was fully accepted. The East High kids saw the best in her, even when she just came in planning on taking over and making her mark before the inevitable move. She's sick of having to move all the time but this one really matters because this is where she's found her home. She doesn't know what's coming in the future but she doubts that she may ever find another place like this.

Her second chance may be deeper than the others, maybe she wishes she had a second chance in another life where her mom doesn't have to move her around. That she can have a new start to her life where she is right now.

Ricky:

I don't think he had any unique lyrics in that clip so I'll just go over what I think the song in general means for him.

We all know that Ricky's been going through a lot. At the start of season 1 he made a big step in auditioning for the musical, except it wasn't for himself, but to show the girl he loved that he's willing to do anything for her. We've consistently seen where Ricky puts others' opinions, feelings, wants and desires ahead of his own because he doesn't think he deserves to to great things on his own. He wants the people around him to be their best, but stay with him. He's always been content to let the people have their thing and just watch from the sidelines. He doesn't see himself worthy of whatever his dreams were, maybe because everytime he's put himself out there, it's backfired on him. He hates change and just when he gets settled into a new rhythm, accepting new people close to him. Someone leaves. When he was finally getting into the musical in season 1, his parents announce their divorce. When he gets into the musical in season 2, he and Nini break up. When he makes a choice to put himself out there, it blows up in his face and pushes him further into himself.

He needs a second chance to get it all right this time. Start over. Learn to understand his self worth but understand that the people he loves can have their own issues, problems and moments that don't concern him. Understand that sometimes, things happen when you aren't expecting it and they may seem bad but at some point, you'll learn from it.

[wndoheum]

           INTRODUCING  DOHEUM  ❜  ─── !

funky record scratch i’m markus twenty-one years old, go by he/him & MOST IMPORTANTLY, super stoked to be in this amazin GROUP! i have absolutely zero self-control so expect some other muses from me in the future AND bear with me folks, things might be a lil bumpy so please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times.

—— TLDR :

his full bio is horrifically long !!! i’m talking 3.5k+ words!! and as a great philosopher once said, ain’t nobody got time for that, so that’s what this lovely intro is for!!

born the youngest of 4 older half-bros in kazakhstan, 3 from one marriage and 1 from another. his dad really loves divorcing his wives clearly.

grew up wildly unstable both in regards to finances and . . everything else. endures torment by his older brothers + the fact his father really can’t stand lil doheum compared to his social and boisterous brothers is not grand.

his mother passes when he’s still young, which he doesn’t remember much of so it’s no skin off his back. ( still finds himself mourning her to the day tho but it’s mainly in an objective sense ) music has always had a huge impact and it’s his mother’s love of it that sprouted this little seed when he learned piano for her.. only after her death he couldn’t bring himself to even touch the keys.

becomes a trainee for the first time when he’s a youngin a year after his family moves back to korea. ( freshly turned 14, at that ) auditions for an absolutely shady company that spits him and many other trainees out on their asses when it comes to light they were just extorting them all for money with no chance of debut, gives up his little music dream. ( he was only there for roughly 5 months so it’s fine! :) so he says ) bullied the hell out of because damn shitty kids think it’s funny he’s from some place that isn’t south korea all through his school years

moves in with his grandfather after the loss of his grandmother to take care of him since he’s the last family member he feels close with when he’s a teen. his dad couldn’t give less a shit what he did anymore so he calls it a win. lives relatively unfulfilled, hones his academic prowess and aims for a spot in SNU where he wants to start pursuing a degree in forensic science eventually.

with his gramps in gimcheon is where he rediscovers his love of music and it’s in rap cyphers, freestylin it out with a cluster of rappers. learns the tricks of the trade in production and becomes an absolutely beastly rapper. tho.. a lot of them are pricks to him ( see bio for more lulz )

AT LAST!! he auditions for wonder nation. he shows great improvement, workin himself to the bone all while still finishing up his final year of high school. did i mention he still makes the 2 hour bus ride back to gimcheon where his gramps lives on his days off to check on him in that first year of training? yeah it was a lot. gramps being the sweet man he is, moves with doheum to seoul!

trainin going great, turns from that emotionally tense and entitled little teen lashing out at other trainees into a well-rounded goblin as the years fly by. goes from being a trash dancer to being pretty damn good. until one lil slip in the practice room twists his ankle teehee.

despite what he initially thought of just being a sprain, is in fact a fracture. ( anyone else in the broken ankle gang... if you know how fragile ankles are it is ridICULOUS ) spends months in recovery after needing a few rods put in but upon his return his ankle is still super unstable and the further he pushes, the more pain he got into. it’s at a monthly evaluation when he gets singled out for his sloppy footwork and bing bang boom,,,, his dream is dropped and transformed for another one as a producer.

BUT IT’S FOR THE BEST DON’T WORRY. the idea of being put on display to the public was something that had given him countless bouts of anxiety and worry over the years. HE’S STILL ON HIS GRIND because he is ruthlessly stubborn and refuses to just give up what he wanted to do!! ankle in decent condition considering he’s not doing any strenuous dancing anymore and just buckling down on the production path. ( but shh don’t bring up how some angles of standing or flexing his ankle put him in excruciating pain ) focused solely on creation and cultivation of music and he’s doing just Swaggy.

—— NOTES :

complicated is not nearly a big enough word for the absolute disaster of this man

a chill and level-headed type.. reliable bitch who gets things done but in the same sense it makes him a prick to work with sometimes because he’s pretty no-nonsense

patience of a saint but don’t read him the wrong way cause he will also snap into someone like a slim jim if you come at him sideways

a quiet extrovert,, loves people and hanging out! and an absolute villain... gives the same energy as johnny from nct saying he likes to make eye contact with people bc it ‘excites him’

devastatingly mature #grewuptoofastgang

i have unable to explain my muses personality-itis so y’all gonna have to forgive me on that front

—— PLOTS :

bring him softness!!! bring him the tender souls who bleed for others more than themselves!! let him see firsthand what it is to be the lamb ( cause he thinks kind people are lil cuties <3 )

it’s impossible to get under his skin but bring on anyone who’s determined enough to try

anyone who’s filled to the brim with hate for him for reasons that can be plotted muah muah :*

aspiring artists who need help with producing?? ( or possibly more painfully and Deep, need help with dance for some reason )

my plots page has bunches of em that are kinda just a baseline so you can go take a peek right here

?? LITERALLY ANYTHING, HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT

[knjsagustd]

either side of sunrise | jjk 03

It makes me ache.  The realisation that I’m learning all these little things - all the stuff that makes you fall in love with someone - through a screen, constantly separated by hundreds of thousands of miles is hitting different today.

prev | next | series masterlist | playlist

→ idol!Jungkook x actress!OC (Aurora Kim-Wiseman)

→ w/c: 4.8k

→ warnings: discussions of mental health, therapy and time spent in psych wards.  This chapter contains descriptions of suicide and attempted suicide.  It’s in the first italicised section.

→a/n: i just want to say thank you to anyone and everyone that has taken the time to read this fic 💛💛💛

Interlude: Ophelia

“Today’s the day?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Do you mind if I ask why?”

“She’s like a wall in my life and I’m ready to move past her.  I can’t keep carrying this.”

“Okay, where would you like to start?”

“The beginning I guess…”

“I met Ophelia Huston when I was twelve and were both auditioning for ‘Introducing Me’, her for the main role and me for the best friend - for obvious Hollywood reasons.  Eleven then, at thirteen she was everything.  She had this magnetism, you look at her and all you wanted was to be her friend.  She was like the fucking sun - sorry.  And she chose me.  We both got cast, and the rest is immortalised on screen.  Time goes on and the show gets bigger than any of us could have imagined.  The whole cast was like a family to me considering how I was spending so much time in LA and my actual family was back home.  But Ophelia was my person.

“Around season three things started changing, Ophelia was having problems.  I don’t know what, she wouldn’t tell me.  But I saw her agent and our directors and producers giving her stuff, pills.  I told my agent at the time but he just told me it wasn’t my concern.  She changed, there was always this wild look in her eyes that felt dangerous.  Like she was hanging on  by a thread.  But I couldn’t do anything.  I was exhausted, missing my parents, missing her, crying myself to sleep every night.  I was falling apart too but my agent just said it was hormones, gave me sleeping pills to help at night, and booked me more gigs to keep me distracted.  People that knew me then said they’d never seen a fourteen year old look so old.   Completely dead behind the eyes until a camera was rolling - then I was whatever someone asked me to be.  Fourteen years old and basically fully grown.  I was too young to question or make decisions but old enough to watch my best friend, my sister destroy herself.  With the help of people that were meant to be looking out for us.

“The night season four wrapped, Ophelia killed herself.  I was the one that found her.  We used to give each other our hotel room keys in case we needed something.  She hadn’t come down to breakfast, so I went to check on her because she’d started skipping meals and I was the only one that could get her to eat.  I walked into her room and she could have just been asleep.  But there were those stupid little orange pill bottles that Americans have beside and an empty bottle of tequila beside her.  I looked the pills up.  She was on high prescriptions of citalopram and zopiclone - whatever the American equivalents are.  She overdosed on purpose then drank most of the bottle.  I called her agent instead of an ambulance.  It was too late for one anyway.  I didn’t cry until her funeral.

“If you don’t mind telling me, what happens next?” How did we end up here?”

“I don’t mind.  I think I’ve been numb since then.  When I was in the psych ward they did an evaluation and they asked me to rate my usual mental state from zero to ten, with zero being the absolute worst I’ve ever felt and ten being the best.  I said I don’t think I know what it feels like to be above a three, at a push.  I couldn’t remember the last time I wasn’t tired, or my smile wasn’t fake.  Between Ophelia’s death and my admittance there were two years where I just pushed myself harder.  I was following her track, using any method to keep myself going in order to work.  Pushing myself to the limit to get the job done.  Taking any gig my agent threw my way.  There’s a lot of shit I’m not proud of in my catalogue.  There’s things I can’t watch because I can’t find myself in the girl on screen.  In the bad way, not the I’m doing a great job way.  I’ve met people who worked with me back then who say I’m unrecognisable.  On the two year anniversary of Ophelia’s death I was alone after wrapping a project I hated every minute of.  I… I’d never felt more alone than I did sitting in that huge, empty, hotel room with a new script in front of me.  All I wanted was to sleep.  So I, uh, I took every pill in the, the current batch of my sleeping pill prescription.  Unlike Ophelia I was - um I was found in time.  My agent, they found me and called an ambulance.”

“Are you okay?  You don’t have to keep going.”

“No.. I - I need to say this out loud.  Someone needs to hear my version, not the one that the press circled.  They, um, they pumped my stomach.  There’s a specific treatment for sleeping pill overdoses.  Then I was referred to the psych ward.  That’s… that’s where I spent my eighteenth birthday.  I stayed there a month.  I went back twice in the year between then and Gravity.  You know everything after that, you were there.  I fired my old agent who’d been with me since I was ten, I got a restraining order against him too because he’s a manipulative arsehole.  I found Maia, who treats me like a person and friend, not a profit.  She lets me say no to things.  The first job I took after it was Gravity and I am so thankful for it.”

“And how are you feeling now?”

“I’m not as sad as I used to be.  Mostly I’m just tired.  Sometimes I’m angry.  At the people who didn’t help me or Ophelia.  At the industry that puts people like us in these positions.  At Ophelia for not being strong enough, which I know is shitty and wrong.”

“How do you feel for saying all of this?”

“I feel a wee bit lighter.  I’ve said it, now I’m not the only carrying it.  It can’t haunt me.”

November 2020

I’m reading over audition packets in my childhood bedroom - It’s loose term considering I spent most of my childhood bouncing around hotel rooms - when the call comes.  It’s just my phone buzzing beside me where it’s face down on my floor.  I lean back against the bottom of my bed as I answer it, not bothering to look at the contact ID.  THe only people that call me are Maia and Jungkook.  The latter of which is weird to say.  After my birthday the something snapped and we’ve started calling whenever we can, time zones permitting.  We’ve also moved off instagram as our primary mode of contact.  A simple exchange of phone numbers and emails and we’re using the internat to call and text - no international charges needed.  Because he’s a millionaire who forgets that fact and my parents have made me terrified of spending money most of the time.  Not sure why I didn’t think of it before.  However, it’s like one am in Korea right now so I’m assuming it’s Maia calling about an audition or offer.

“Hello,” I say in English, flipping the page of the audition material I’m looking at right now.  I’m fairly sure it’s a Marvel film that’s not saying so to limit spoilers.  Which has me rolling my eyes because Maia knows I’m not keen on joining the MCU.  It’s the only boundary she pushes me on.  I’m fully aware that Marvel is a steady, well paying job, but once you join that’s all you are, they own your soul.    You never escape it.  Especially at the stage I’m at in my career. (There’s also the fact that I refuse to contribute to the idea that East Asians are interchangable and I don’t know if Marvel is as committed to that as I am.  I’m Korean, I’m not interchangeable with Chinese and Japansese people.  Also I’m only half Korean, nowhere near white passing but still, sometimes it feels wrong to take roles that were written as full Korean.)

“Hey Rory.”

I almost drop my phone.  I did not expect a groggy, sleep heavy Jungkook’s voice to filter through my speakers.  Annoying little butterflies come to life in my stomach at it.  It only took like four months but he’s using my nickname.  It certainly doesn’t make my heart jump to my throat.

“Hey.”  God my voice sounds so disgustingly soft.  Pulling my brain of the script induced haze, I switch to Korean.  Something that is becoming easier with each phone call.  Especially now, since I’m home and dad likes to chat with us in Korean when mum isn’t around.  “Why are you calling, isn’t it really late there?”

“I couldn’t get back to sleep.”

“So you called me,” I ask slowly.  He’s making my heart do sick little slips in it’s new home beside my voice box.  This is going to kill me.

“Yeah.”

Dead.  The word sits heavy between us for a moment.  It’s a confession some sort.  One I know we shouldn’t push.  There’s too much at stake for the feelings behind it.  Over the phone I hear shuffling, and a deep breath.

“Could you maybe turn you camera on?  I… I just want to see your face.”

How can you say no to that?  If any of my friends knew about the way my heart just melted that would be teasing me so hard.  I wouldn’t put it past Olivia’s creepy level of instinct for her to just randomly text me ‘simp’.  She’s done it before.  And been correct.  I don’t even care that I look like my life is falling apart - hair in a half falling out pile on my head, my huge glasses perched on my nose, a ratty oversized sweatshirt turning me into a shapeless blob.  Taking a grounding breath (my therapist would be proud), I push the aforementioned glasses back up the bridge of my nose and press the facetime button.

My breath catches in my throat.  He shouldn’t be allowed to look that good at one am.  The fluorescent lights the kitchen he’s clearly sitting in are not so flattering on anyone else.  Honestly it’s unfair.  His hair is long, with a fresh undercut, and messy from sleep.  A large hoodie is hanging off his frame, dwarfing him, making him look deceptively soft and small.  There’s a soft, tired smile on his face.

“You’re wearing glasses,” he says with a small, childlike laugh.  I blush.

“Normally I wear contacts.  I’m blind without them,” I shrug.  He cocks his head, undoubtedly taking in this vision of me being presented to him.  It’s incongruent with the limited amount of shots the paparazzi manage to get and the promotional stills from Gravity that were released last week.  This, honest, version of me isn’t the same as the one the world gets.

“I like them, they suit you.”

“Thank you…  Do you, um, do you want to talk about why you can’t sleep?”

“You’re not busy?”

“I’m sat on my bedroom floor on my fifth audition pack of the day, I’ve got time,” I smile at him sardonically.  He ducks his head, it’s a familiar movement from the interviews I’ve watched - and that one time we met in person.  It makes me ache.  The realisation that I’m learning all these little things - all the stuff that makes you fall in love with someone - through a screen, constantly separated by hundreds of thousands of miles is hitting different today.  He adjusts on the bar stool he’s perched on, so as to sit more comfortably as he speaks.

Their new album is dropping tomorrow - a fact I knew not just from him but from the internet and Olivia and Daniel who won’t shut up about it. (They keep counting down to it in the group chat.  Exhibit A as to why they are not aware of my friendship with Jungkook.  It would be insufferable.)  I understand pre-album jitter, they’re of the same breed as pre-premier jitters.  You put your heart and soul into something, of course you’re worried about how people are going to react to it.  This time is worse apparently.  The boys have put it together differently than their past albums, and it’s more personal in some ways.  And Jungkook is scared it isn’t good enough.  Four months of this have taught me that Jungkook is always scared of not being good enough.  I know from experience it’s very hard to convince someone they are.  The best I can do is listen.  Remind him that ARMY will love and support anything they put out.  Because it’s from them and their hearts.

“Getting to see you is so much better,” he says sleepilly after a moment.

“Yeah, it is.”

And we just sit there for a moment, staring at each other on our phones.  If this was a movie, and we weren’t on opposite sides of the world, this would be the moment we’d kiss.  Instead we just sit there, smiling softly like idiots.

Both of us jump as a voice starts speaking from off screen.

“Jungkook-ah? Why are you up?”

Namjoon comes into frame, heading for the fridge without sparing us a glance, as Jungkook replies;

“Couldn’t sleep, hyung.”

He sounds exhausted.  I feel extremely awkward, sitting here watching Namjoon fix a bowl of cereal without him knowing that’s what I’m doing.  I can’t figure out if I should announce myself.

“Were you talking to someone,” Namjoon asks, putting the milk back in the fridge.

“Uh, Aurora-ssi,” Jungkook replies, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.  Slowly Majoon turns to look at us, a spoonful of cornflakes halfway to his mouth.   It’s almost comical.  He bows and blushes.

“I’m sorry Aurora-ssi, I didn’t realise.”

I return the bow, which is kind of weird considering I’m cross legged and doing it through a phone screen, blushing furiously.  I don’t miss the tired shit eating frin on Jungkook’s face.  There are some very obvious cogs turning in his brain.  Ones I don’t need to see come to fruition.  Especially in front of Namjoon.

“It’s okay.  Um, I hope you’re okay too?”

I don’t really know what to say.  With Namjoon here, probably fully prepared to talk Jungkook through everything better than I ever could, I feel kind of extraneous.  But it feels rude to not check in with him too.  Even if this is literally the first time we’ve properly spoken.  In truth, the only member I’ve spoken to other than Jungkook is Jimin (my little side comment to Jin on Graham Norton doesn’t count).  He was always begging to be included in our text conversation and has taken to interrupting our calls.  Always stealing the phone and insisting on having a proper chat with me before hanging up and dragging Jungkook wherever they need to be.  Last time he remembered my reluctance to say if I had a bias on Graham Norton and tried to guess.  Jungkook gave him my number - in an effort to get him to stop interrupting us.  So now it’s not just the Gravity chat spamming my phone.  Although he’s progressed from trying (and failing) to figure out my bias to just sending me memes.  Granted his attempts consist of just asking if it’s him or Jungkook over and over again - occasionally he throughs in Jin and Tae.  Apparently he doesn’t think I’m a rapline girl.

“I am fine, thank you.  I hope Jungkook didn’t interrupt anything.”

I barely suppress my laugh when Jungkook jokingly rolls his eyes.

“No I’m just trying to pick auditions.”  Namjoon nods sagely along with my words.  I’m about to continue when a text from Maia drops down on my screen.  My eyes widen. “But, uh, I should go.  And you two should go to bed.”

“Are you okay,” Jungkook is asking instantly.

“Yeah, fine.  My agent wants to call me.  But, this was really great.  It was lovely to see you again Namjoon-nim.  Good luck, I’m sure the album is amazing.”

Both of them wave goodbye on screen as I give them a thumbs up and end the call.

Interlude: Dream

“It’s called “Finding the Way Back” and Sandra Oh has specifically requested that I audition for the part.  Like what the fuck?”

“Language, Rory.”

“I’m an adult.”

“Fair.  is this an ‘I can’t believe this amazing thing is happening’ kind of what the fuck, or an ‘I don’t deserve this amazing thing’ what the fuck?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe both?”

“Why?”

“This is all I’ve ever wanted.  I read the audition packet and I felt so seen, I knew it was going to make so many other people feel seen too.  It’s the sort of shit that gets Oscars, you know?  I’ve never in a million years believed that i was going to do Oscar stuff.  And it’s playing across from Sandra fucking Oh - who is like my icon.  She’s so amazing, like as a person and an actress.  And she wants me - Aurora Kim-Wiseman, ex-pulic train wreck - to play her daughter in this film that is just begging to be genre-defining.  This sort of thing doesn’t happen to me.  Not in real life.”

“Nice things are allowed to happen to you Rory, not everything has another shoe waiting to drop.”

December 2020

“Welcome back, we are here with Olivia Dickens, Aurora Kim-Wiseman, Jake Llewlyn and Daniel Peterson,” James Corden says over the loud cheers that are filling the studio.  It’s hard not to smile as Olivia bounces on her toes next to me, cutting off the circulation to my hand with how hard she’s holding it.  Jake is being just as characteristically cool as usual, one arm slung over my shoulder, the other waving.  And Daniel is just laughing at Olivia’s antics, and whatever it was Jake whispered as we were getting into this line.  I give a little wave with my free hand as James continues speaking.

“Now, these four may appear very cool on the surface -” a questionable statement given the way Olivia is vibrating “- but we are going to test their nerves of steel in a game we like to call Flinch!”

The way James says the last word actually makes Olivia flinch a little bit.  It only serves to make Daniel laugh harder.  Those two are never a good combination.  At least the producers learned from our last press cycle and decided against letting them to pairs interviews together, that was disastrous.  They’re both chaotic entities who feed off each other.  Now we always do it girls and boys.  Olivia and I together because I’m apparently a calming presence.  Daniel, Jake and Matt together because they keep other in check.  Playing Flinch isn’t exactly what I expect when we started the press cycle for Gravity season two but it’s probably going to be one of my favourite parts.  Especially given how easily Olivia scares.

James is explaining the rules, like Olivia and Daniel haven’t made us all watch the video of BTS playing a million times.  In fact I’m ninety percent sure they were watching it on youtube while we were in make up.  Make that a hundred percent given the good natured eye rolls that Jake was sending me in the mirror.  He’s sending me a similar look right now, I roll my lips between my teeth to stop myself from laughing.  Looking around I catch Maia standing off stage.  Her arms are crossed, she’s looking at me in that way she does when I’ve given her something she needs to spin.  If I’m guessing, the camera’s probably caught that exchange and she’s placing money on Jake and I’s ship hashtag being revived after this airs.  Anxiety rises in my stomach.  I hate the way every friendly interaction is twisted by people.  How it always leads to invasive question and false rumours.

“Who out of you scares the easiest,” James asks, as though Olivia isn’t literally shaking next to me.  Like we’d practiced it Jake, Daniel and I turn to Olivia, while she shrinks into my captive arm.

“Well, then I think it’s only fitting that you and Aurora got first.”

With that the boys are whooping as I walk Olivia behind the screen.  She pulls my hand to her, adjusting her grip so she’s clinging to it with both hands like a lifeline.  Everyone is speaking at once, James trying to distract us to get a good jump when he launches the fruit, Jake and Daniel messing about with eachother,  Olivia replying to them and the audience cheering.  It all feels very overwhelming all of a sudden.  Especially with the concern of fruit being thrown at high speeds towards my face.  I don’t realise I’m just standing there staring ahead, dead-eyed, until James is calling to me.

“Aurora, are you okay there?” There’s a laugh in his voice that makes me feel a little bit self conscious.

“I’m already dissociating,” I say back, lifting my free hand into a peace sign on autopilot.

This gets me one of those full audience laughs.  Especially as my statement is punctuated by an orange and apple being launched towards us.  Olivia shrieks, jumping out of her skin.  My hand gets jerked along with her.  But that’s the only movement they get out of me.  The audience goes wild, along with James and the boys.  Daniel is just pointing at me as Olivia and I walk back.  He brings me into one of the bro, tug you in and pat your back, hugs, wrapping an arm over my shoulders as we watch the replay.  I don’t even blink.  Laughing I burrow into Daniel’s side to hide my blush.

Nearly four hours later we’re sitting in Olivia’s hotel room watching the show air.  We’re all piled on her bed with Shake Shack burgers that we got security to sneak in for us.  The flinch segment just ended.  We’re all laughing at how Daniel grabbed Jake, the two of them jumped for each other like Shaggy and Scooby Doo.  I definitely won.  That’s not up for debate.  My phone buzzes.  Out of habit I grab it, holding it close to my face.

JJK: Tae is annoyed that you did better than him at flinch.

I hold in my laughter so as not to get the other’s attention.  They’ve been questioning me about my ‘mysterious gentleman’ since we started filming the season and it’s been picked back up for the press tour.  Apparently i’m on my phone a suspicious amount.  And smiling more - Jake likes to say it’s creepy.

Me: you’re watching??

JJK: In between rehearsals.  We like watching Mr Corden and you’re in it so we had to.

Me: 🥺👉👈 you’re watching it for me?

JJK: ...Well yeah.

“Rory!”

My phone is snatched, unceremoniously, out of my hand by Olivia.  Thankfully she switch sit off, placing it on the bedside table next to her, rather than looking at it.  Today is not the day I want to explain the Jungkook situation.  And the fact I’ve kept it from them.

“Pay attention to us.  Your mystery man can wait.”

I laugh, collapsing dramatically into Jake.  He rolls his eyes, adjusting me so I’m all but laying in his lap.

Interlude: Soul

“Why are you still acting?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve said it yourself, this industry took your childhood, killed your best friend and almost picked you.  Why keep going?  You have a stellar school record, your examination grades are excellent, you would have your pick of universities if you wanted.  Or you could just allow yourself to fade into anonymity.  Why stay?”

“...Will you judge me if I say that I don’t know who I am without it all?  This has been my entire life for so long I don’t know if I can exist without the lights and cameras.”

“Once again, I’m never judging you, and that’s a valid if slightly concerning answer.  However I can’t help but feel it isn’t the whole truth.  You’ve said before that without Gravity you be back in the psych ward by now.  Is it truly just a case of identity?”

“No…  Acting makes me feel alive in a way that nothing else does.  Not even when I was seventeen and high on LSD on Sunset Boulevard.  I love getting to tell stories, to represent people and just be someone else for a while.  I’m not over-exaggerating when I say I’d be dead by now if I hadn’t returned to it.  Before I was in a horrible situation, but it wasn’t representative of the whole industry.  There are some really good pockets that remind you this isn’t just some white guy’s billion dollar investment.  It’s an art form.  I’m not saying I’m Van Gogh with his brush, or Shakespeare with his pen when I’m in front of the camera - I’m not making masterpieces for the most part - but I’m creating something.  And it makes people feel seen.  Or allows them to experience emotions that would be too scary in real life.  Yes, it almost killed me, but now it’s keeping me alive.”

January 2021

“Happy New Year!” I say when Jungkook’s face appears on my screen.  He’d texted the same at ten am - when Korea entered the New Year - but I was in a shoot.  Filming goes ahead, even on the last day of the year.  No-one listened to my argument that that I’m Scottish and technically Hogmanay is a holiday and bigger deal than New Year’s day.  Granted I only said it to Maia who just blinked at me before sending me off to wardrobe.  But no, we only have so much time with this sort of weather - a perfect, atmospheric, grey cold punctuated with snow - in New England so we have to get the shots now.  Can’t even bank on reshoots because it’s so specific.

A chorus of ‘Happy New Year’s greets me as Jungkook waves me around the sitting room he’s in, showing me the rest of BTS draped across the various pieces of furniture and each other.  I wave at them.  Since that first facetime call they’ve become so regular that I’ve had some sort of interaction with each member at some point.  They walk in and out of them, sometimes stopping for a chat.  Usually they just drop off Jungkook’s food, remind of a call time or tell him to go to bed.  At first everytime one of them stepped into frame my stomach would flip.  There’s nothing quite like global superstars to kick start your anxiety.  But I’ve settled into it now.

“How was today?” Jimin asks over Jungkook’s shoulder.

I try to stop myself blushing.  Jungkook does the same, he’s fully aware of what I was shooting today since I’ve been anxious about it all week.  Not everyday you film your first ever (kind of) sex scene in front of a woman that has been your icon for as long as you can remember, while she gives you tips from the other side of the camera.  It wasn’t a full on sex scene, more like heavy petting and grinding to simulate the act while we both remained fully clothed.  The camera only filmed us from the waist up, with a lot of close ups.  But it’s still nerve wracking.  It’s the opposite of something I want to share with BTS.  Especially Jungkook - whose ears are turning red at the thought of it and currently looks like he wants the ground to swallow him.

“Yeah it, uh, it went fine.”  My voice comes out a little strangled.  “What are you guys up to?”

Once again Jungkook pans the camera, this showing a paused TV screen depicting a scene from one of the Marvel films.  I think it’s an early one from the looks of it, maybe the first Thor or something.  All I can see is an explosion.

“We’ve got a few days off for the New Year, so we’re doing a rewatch,” Jungkook explains.

“Oh,” I say, feeling suddenly awkward for interrupting.  “I’ll stop distracting you.”

Jungkook cocks his head at me, looking like he wants to say something but for some reason is holding it back.

“There’s a party downstairs.  I promised Maia I’d come back after making a call.”

With that we all say our goodbyes.  That funny look never leaves Jungkook’s face.

“I’ll call you later?” He says, once the others have settled down.  I just nod, biting my lip.

Once we hang up I flop back on my bed.  Is it stupid that all I can think about is how much I wish he was here?  How much I want to be able to ring in the New Year with one of those fabled kisses.  Standing next to a person I want to spend the coming year with.  God I’m a fucking idiot.  And pathetic.  My Therapist was right.

[neocrush]

to the fools who dream.

pairing: idol!renjun x fem!trainee!reader

prompt: when two fools with the same dream collide and tragically fall for each other. except, one has already achieved said dream. the other is willing to sacrifice everything in able to reach that same dream. through experiencing love and heartbreak for the first time, they learn to separate dream and reality.

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TEASER UNDER THE CUT.

“Five, six, seven, eight!” The dance teacher counted to the beats of Boss Bitch by Doja Cat. You kept a strong gaze, looking at your dancing figure on the mirror. You and your fellow trainees  squatted on the ground as you stayed in that position, waiting for your respective solo parts. As your solo part came, you stood up and gracefully went to the center. After sixteen counts, everyone else stood up as you led them into the chorus. As the song ends, you stayed still in your ending pose. You and Saerin’s heavy breathing being the only audible thing to your ears. 

Your ending pose included you perching one arm up her right shoulder as both your bodies faced each other, meanwhile your actual faces faced the floor. “Good job, girls! That’s a wrap for dance practice today!” The man who previously had a stern face, smiled proudly at your hard work. “Your managers told me that none of you have any extra classes or training after this one. Therefore, you are allowed to go back to your dorms. Rest up, tomorrow is the monthly evaluation.” 

All twelve of you bowed as your dance teacher left the practice room. “Finally..” Haryeong sighed, collapsing to the floor as she sprawled her body in a funny manner. 

“I’m so nervous. I-I don’t think I’m ready for tomorrow’s evaluations.” Hannah stuttered. She was fairly new to the company, so her being extremely nervous for her first evaluations wasn’t that surprising to any of you. What surprised you, was that she started crying. Jaera, the eldest female trainee engulfed her in a motherly-like hug. She wiped the tears that fell onto the gray-haired girl’s cheeks away. 

“Hannah, look at me,” She softly spoke. The younger girl looked up, indicating that she was listening to her elder. “You’re going to do amazing. I know that for a fact. I’m not just saying this because we’re friends or because I’m trying to cheer you up. You are truly talented and hardworking. You entered this company without knowing how to count beats and stay on key. That was nearly a month ago. Now you’re up for the Main Dancer position and our vocal coach praises you on the daily. Heck, you even started rapping! Do you see what I’m trying to say? Your hardwork won’t go to waste. None of ours will.” The speaking girl looked around at her fellow trainees. Some of you starting to tear up a bit.

She continued, “I say this with all my heart. We all deserve to debut. When the time comes, our company will realize that our talent and hardwork can’t go to waste. If they fail to do so, then they’re missing out on so much potential.” The sobbing girls wiped their tears as they laughed at Jaera’s last line. Sumin pulled everyone into a hug as you cherished this moment, knowing it won’t forever be like this. 

The hug fell apart as Wonchae’s phone buzzed, receiving a call from one of your managers. Soon enough you all bid your goodbyes, as you were travelling in different cars to your dorms. Everyone walked to building’s main lobby and black vans arrived. It was 3:58 AM and you were in need of rest. As you put your white mask on, you heard a voice call out your name. You turned around and immediately removed your mask, bowing at the person who was nearing you. “Yoongi-sunbae, hello.” You properly greeted your senior.

“Ah, good thing you’re here. The CEO wants to see you.” You widened your eyes at what the taller man had just told you. “Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing bad.” He chuckled at your tense figure. “I should probably tell-” “No, no, it’s okay. They already know.” He reassured as he cut you off mid-sentence. “I can walk you there. My practice room is on the same floor.” You firmly nodded at his suggestion. “Let me just get some iced coffee, which is what I initially was going to do.” You both chuckle as you trailed behind him to the vending machine and to the 12th floor via elevator. 

You walked through the spacey hallway that led to the CEO’s office. Yoongi took a turn as he opened a door that revealed six boys chaotically doing shenanigans in a big practice room. You just chuckled at the sight of the six hyperactive men you had to deal with since you were a mere child. “Y/n! Hi!” A deep but cheerful voice that belonged to none other than Taehyung joyfully called out your name as he energetically waved at you from a distance. “Hi Taetae-sunbae!” You smiled ear-to-ear and waved. 

“See you soon? Good luck for the evaluations tomorrow by the way.” Yoongi calmly voiced out.

“Oh, Thank you, sunbae. See you soon!” You bid your goodbyes as you properly bowed - he was your senior afterall. You continued your mini journey to the CEO’s office as you walked straight towards the end of the hall.

You were now face-to-face with the door that led to the CEO’s office. The words  ‘BANG SI HYUK’ on top of ‘CEO of BigHit Entertainment’ with big, golden letters and a bold font were plastered on the big white door. It was quite intimidating - you must say.

You entered the room full of hesitation and got lost in your see of thoughts, until a man voiced out. “Ah, y/n. I have been waiting for you.” Your boss, Bang Sihyuk, smiled softly. You bowed, “Hello, sir. I apologize for being late.” “It’s alright. Take a seat.” He pulled out a chair that was in front of his large desk, gesturing for you to sit on it. “Thank you, sir.” You took a seat, smiling at his extremely kind gesture. He took a seat on his large leather chair, facing you from the other side of his desk.  

“It’s very late right now, so I’m not going to keep you here for a long time. I’ll just get to the point, okay?” The middle-aged started as you firmly nodded. 

“You have been training with us since you were 12 years old. When you auditioned, I saw the talent and potential in you. I knew you were going to become a star one day. An extremely successful one. You are very talented and hardworking. You already know that, of course. Everybody in BigHit does. Even our cleaning staff.” You both chuckled at his comedic remark.

 He continued with a more serious tone, “I’ve watched you grow into an amazing artist. There was never a day where you would let me down. After every performance, you always remind me why I accepted you into the company in the first place. You never fail to improve. To be better. To be stronger. You are extremely independent for someone your age and you should be proud of that. But most importantly, you are passionate and humble. Wherever you go in life, remember to keep those core traits as they will always bring good things to you. I, as your boss, am extremely proud of you and the person you’ve become.” 

You smile at the amount of compliments that you were being showered with by one of the most important people in your life and career. 

“I made a deal with SM Entertainment.”

Your smile altered to a confused-type-of-look as the words that had just rolled out of the man’s tongue irked you in a way. It wasn’t that you hated SM Entertainment, they were just - a joke - to your company. Your fellow trainees who were in the same class as some of the SM trainees would always talk about how celebrity-like they acted. The girls would joke about how self-centered they were here and there. Of course, you just stood there and listened. You went to an international school and trained almost your whole life, resulting in you almost never interacting with trainees from other companies. Hence, not knowing how they behaved in real life. The only exception was when you appeared in Stray Kids’ music video for God’s Menu. Then again, they weren’t trainees.

“They have decided to transfer a male trainee from their company. He wasn’t exactly fit for their company, but I saw lots of potential in him. They didn’t want to properly let him go. They weren’t going to risk losing another trainee. Therefore, they proposed a deal.” 

I think know where this is going.

“Our team had a meeting with their team. We showed them all of the latest monthly evaluations. They decided that they were going to select one of our trainees to be transferred to train at their company and vice versa.”

Oh no, it’s actually happening.

“With lots thinking and negotiation. They chose you. You’ll be picked up by your new manager here at around 8 AM. Y/n, I truly believe that you are going to be an amazing artist. No matter which company you are under. I have faith in you, y/n.” 

You were tearing up, “So is this goodbye? An end to years of training here? My home?”

Bang Sihyuk replied, “This isn’t me completely letting you go. It isn’t an end to anything. It’s the start of something wonderful. You are extremely talented, passionate, kind, hardworking, and humble. Whichever company you are in won’t matter. You are an amazing individual and you know it.” The chubbier man had engulfed you in a warm hug. “BigHit will always welcome you with open arms. Whenever you’re feeling empty, you know we’re here for you. You know the boys will do everything to protect their sister, right?” 

You nodded into the hug as you pulled away and smiled, “I’ll do my best. I always will. It’s what you taught me.”

“Show ‘em SM kids how they raised you in Bighit!” you laughed at the man, who in a few hours, won’t be your boss anymore. 

You spent the few remaining hours of being under the company you grew up in with the members of BTS and TXT. Together, you ate ungodly amounts of Spicy Ramyeon while reminiscing the boys’ trainee days with you.

Oh, how you were going to miss your brothers.

a/n: no nct yet sorry! but we need this for character building :)) did your faves make an appearance/get mentioned?

taglist

none atm so send an ask to be added !

[prevfmdharu]

                 °  손하늘 ’s YEARS AS A TRAINEE: 2016 - 2020

2016

haneul got signed through an open audition they were holding in gwangju, he danced to origin’s fire for his autidion.

first montly eval performance he did: drip drop

not his best performance, most likely one of the weakest because he had never really sung before aside from karaoke.

but he got a good response because it was his first evaluation and showed promise.

moved to seoul, got accepted to hanlim high school

the first half year he spent as a trainee, he focused mostly on dancing and getting used to being a trainee. 

he worked hard at both his school work and trainee activities but while he was in high school he decided that he should focus on on skill for a set amount of time.

since he was already a dancer, he decided that he should try to become a better singer and rapper, while also practicing his dancing.

singing/rapping while dancing was difficult for him this year.

2017

the year he deicdes to focus mostly on his vocals, he tries not to rap as much unless he has to but through out the year and through different montly evaluations his confidence grows as not only a dancer but vocalist.

some of his montly evaluation songs include:

don’t wanna cry, group performance

move, solo performance

spring day, group perfomance

gashina, solo performance

really really, group performance

these were the ones that recieved the best response and he got placed first that month for performing. these were also the ones he enjoyed performing the most

his natural vocal talent started coming out this year, even if he doesn’t have the most powerful vocals, his control and melisma starts taking form.

this year his vocals while dancing also stabilizes, he started runninf on a threadmill while singing to stabilize it.

2018

this year he decides to focus on rapping, he tries not to sing unless he has to but thankfully he rarely sings.

some of his monthly evaluation songs for 2018 include:

pinoccio w/ male vocal trainee

baby don’t stop / w male vocal trainee

don’t give / w female vocal trainee

love scenario, group performance

fake love, group performance

late night, adjusted to be a solo performance

these performances were well recieved and he got placed first with these six performances, showing his improvement as a rapped.

to practice his rapping haneul finds different tongue twisters, which he repeats multiple times a day, then he sticks a pen/chopsticks in his mouth and practices his prononciation that way. he also practices rapping on beat and to get a better understanding of what he’s rapping, he writes the lyrics down.

he also starts practicing his own rap making, so for different instrumentals he practices writing raps.

2019

this year he focuses on combining the thing s he has learned from the previous years, so he alternates between rapping and singing for his monthly evaluations

some of his monthly evaluation songs include:

dding, group performance

hit, group performance

gotta go, solo performance

danger, solo performance

these are the performances that recieve the best response from the coahces and he ranks no 1 with these song performances.

he also focuses on learning english this year, to get rid of most of his accent he listens to english songs and records himself to hear how he sounds.

he also graduates from high school this year, so he puts it all into his trainee activities. 

at this point he is one of the more versatile trainee’s in gold star media but because he is so versatile, he also starts to lose his value to them.

2020

he continues on combining, practicing his rap making, while singing and dancing at the same time.

haneul isn’t aware that they are considering letting him go as a trainee at this point. so he performances are he would usually do.

some of his evaluation songs in 2020

fear, group performance

we don’t talk together, duet w/ female trainee

his last evaluation song: rebye, duet w/ female trainee

when he was let go as a trainee, haneul was shocked even if he might have sensed that something was off, he had never thought that him being let go as a trainee would be the result.

haneul doesn’t quite remember what was told to him when he was let go, that time was a blur for him and he doesn’t want to think about it.