#because for so long it felt like the only way to survive with only cis people around me

[sirenedeslily]

𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐎𝐍 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋 ‎𐦍 𝐦atthew 𝐬turniolo

𝒢𑄺 ⸻ ❝ like if you hold me without hurting me, you’ll be the first who ever did. ❜ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝

𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡, a hardened fighter finds unexpected tenderness in the arms of a gentle soul, where love becomes both his salvation and his deepest fear.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬, emotional and psychological angst, violence, mentions of trauma, depiction of illegal street fighting, sensitive themes of self-worth, and fear of hurting a loved one. my attempt @ fluff :3

𝐰����𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭, 1.4k !

𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒘 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒐𝒍𝒐 wasn’t born into love.

no one had ever held him close when he was a boy. no one had ever whispered to him that everything would be okay when the nights were long and cold, when the bruises from the world around him were more than just skin deep. he had been passed around like something unwanted, a shadow that people barely noticed until they had to. one foster home after another, each colder than the last, until the idea of love or warmth was nothing more than a distant memory, something he’d never truly had in the first place.

at sixteen, matt stopped expecting anything from anyone. it was easier that way—no expectations, no hope, no chance of getting hurt. but the hurt came anyway, creeping into his bones like a sickness. the world had never been kind to him, and he had learned, in the back rooms of strangers’ houses, that the only thing he could control was how much he fought back.

and matt fought.

he fought with his fists, with his teeth, with a rage that seemed to consume him whole. it was the only way to survive in a world that had given him nothing but pain. the violence became his only language, the only thing that made sense. it was how he stayed alive, how he kept himself from being swallowed by the emptiness that followed him wherever he went.

that’s when he came into matt’s life—a man who saw the violence in matt’s eyes and knew how to use it. the man didn’t care about the boy behind the bruises, didn’t care about the heart that had been broken so many times it barely beat anymore. all he cared about was how hard matt could hit, how much damage he could do. and matthew? he didn’t care, either.

he was just looking for a place to sleep.

so he fought. brutal, illegal street fights in the back alleys of forgotten places, where the only law was how much blood you could spill. matt became a machine, a weapon honed by years of neglect and pain, his body more bruise than boy. he fought because it was all he knew how to do. he fought because no one had ever given him anything else.

but it wasn’t living. it was surviving, and just barely.

and then you came into his life.

you, with your cinnamon scent and wide, innocent eyes. you, who looked at him like he was more than just the violence he had been shaped into. you, who had never known the darkness he lived in, but who somehow saw through it. you stepped into his world of shadows and fists, and instead of running, you stayed.

you, with your soft hands and your gentle smile, were like a dream. he wasn’t sure you were real at first—how could you be? no one had ever looked at him the way you did, like you could see past the bruises, past the blood, and into something deeper. something matt wasn’t sure existed anymore.. or ever.

but you saw it. you always saw it.

the first time you touched him, matt flinched. not because you hurt him, but because your touch was so gentle. he wasn’t used to gentle. he wasn’t used to anything soft, not after years of fists and hard floors and nights spent alone. your fingers brushed against his skin like a whisper, light and warm, and matt felt something in him break, something he hadn’t even known was there.

you didn’t ask him to be anything other than what he was. you didn’t ask him to change, to give up the fights, the violence that was so much a part of him. you just were—you were there, with your cinnamon-sweet smile and your heart so full of love, and somehow, that was enough.

for the first time in his life, matt wasn’t alone. for the first time in his life, someone saw him, not just the fighter, not just the boy who had been left behind over and over again, but him. the boy who was still trying to find something to hold onto, something that wasn’t blood and pain and broken bones.

you held him without asking for anything in return. you let him break down his walls at his own pace, piece by piece, until he wasn’t just matt, the street fighter, the boy who only knew how to survive. he was yours.

there were nights when matt would come home from a fight, his knuckles bruised and his body aching, and you would be there, waiting for him. you, who smelled of cinnamon and warmth, would welcome him into your arms as if he weren’t covered in blood, as if the violence that followed him didn’t touch you. you didn’t flinch when you saw the cuts and bruises; you just took his hands in yours, your fingers soft as you traced the lines of his knuckles.

“it’s okay,” you’d whisper, pressing your lips to the broken skin on his hands, as if you could kiss away the pain, as if your love could heal the wounds that ran so much deeper than the surface.

and maybe it could.

because with you, matt felt something he hadn’t felt in years—something he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt at all. it was a warmth that spread through his chest, a lightness that came from the way you looked at him, the way you touched him like he was something precious. he didn’t know how to handle it at first, didn’t know what to do with the way you made him feel, like he was more than just a boy made of bruises and scars.

but you were patient. you didn’t push. you just loved him, quietly, gently, until matt started to believe that maybe, just maybe, he was worthy of that love.

matt had never been soft. he had never been the kind of person who let himself feel too much, who let himself hope for something better. but you—you—changed that. you brought out a part of him that he didn’t even know existed, a part of him that wanted to be better, to be more. not for himself, but for you.

there were moments, late at night, when you’d curl up next to him, your head resting on his bare chest, and matt would just hold you, his arms wrapped around you like you were the only thing keeping him grounded. and in those moments, with your warmth pressed against him and your scent filling the air, matt would feel something close to peace.

it scared him, sometimes—how much he needed you. how much he wanted you. he wasn’t used to needing anyone, wasn’t used to feeling like someone could slip through his fingers and take his heart with them. but you were different. you weren’t just someone; you were everything.

you were the sweetness in his life, the light in the darkness that had surrounded him for so long. you made him feel things he didn’t know how to name, things he didn’t know how to control. and it terrified him. because matt had only ever known how to fight, how to push people away before they could hurt him. but with you, he didn’t want to push. he wanted to pull you closer, hold you tighter, keep you with him forever.

but love—real love—wasn’t easy.

there were nights when the darkness inside him would rise up, when the violence that lived in his blood would threaten to consume him. he’d wake up in a cold sweat, his heart racing, his hands clenched into fists, ready for a fight that wasn’t there. and you—you would always be there, your hands soft on his skin, your voice a soothing whisper in the quiet of the night.

“i’m here,” you’d say, your breath warm against his chest. “i’m not going anywhere.”

and you never did. no matter how many times matt tried to push you away, no matter how many times he told you that he wasn’t good enough for you, that you deserved someone who could give you more than this life of blood and violence and pain, you stayed.

you stayed, and you loved him, and you showed him that maybe, just maybe, he was worth loving.

matt had never known a love like yours. a love that was gentle and fierce all at once, a love that didn’t ask for anything in return but still gave everything. you were his 𝒄𝒊𝒏𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒐𝒏 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍, sweet and warm, the one thing in his life that made him believe in something more than just survival.

you made him feel like he could be something more than the violence that had shaped him. you made him feel like he could be yours.

and in the end, that was all he ever wanted to be.

𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔.

𝒢𝜚 💭 ࣪ ✸ 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 ∿ trying to work on requests but it’s been mostly chris stuff and i miss writing about my boyfriend soooo :3

❝ 𝟐𝟐𝟐 ❞ 𝑻𝑨𝑮𝑳𝑰𝑺𝑻, @carvedtits @et6rnalsun @wovenribbons @flouvela @eternaldecisions @elizabebabe @ncm9696

❝ 𝟑𝟑𝟑 ❞ 𝑻𝑨𝑮𝑳𝑰𝑺𝑻, @l34n @sturniolossss @lovingregulusblack @cl1tlover3000 @mattslolita @mattssgf @le4hsblog @brvtall @mattscoquette @chratts-left-ball @jetaimevous @angelesqve @starlace111 @fawnchives @starkeyszn @etherealval @slut4chriss @star-yawnznn @nickmillersn1gf @sturnsmia

© sirenedeslily

[meeks-just-wants-to-scroll]

more trans colm? Maybe some headcanons for him? (Also, side thing, what are you opinions on trans Kieran 👀)

*sweats* okay so most of my HC are nsfw because I like my trans characters nasty but I don’t post nsfw to tumblr so let me challenge myself and come up with some sfw headcanons.

— SFW Trans Colm HC —

- do not ask me how but Colm has access to testosterone shots. He takes shots because it’s a bit of a sadomasochistic pleasure. Something so great about feeling a needle go into skin.

- he had been openly trans for a while. Risky, yes, but he has a level of arrogance and actual survival expertise to allow him live life that way. People who would wanna get him for being trans should have higher priorities.

- he is pretty thin by man standards, but has muscle on him. He works hard and his emphasis on upper body balances out his hips and makes him look overall boxy, like a cis man.

- Dutch is trans in this too because I say so and so Dutch and Colm had some trans man solidarity.

- colm is strictly T4T.

(Additionally…. I feel Colm kinda dislikes cis people. He doesn’t care much about anyone, but he felt even less remorse for killing Annabelle because she was Dutch’s cis girlfriend).

- Colm’s brother is cis because I like the diversity of a trans brother and cis brother pairing. People who don’t know who’s who will guess which one is the trans one (it’s a 50/50 chance.)

- Colm can grow stubble but not a strong mustache, let alone a beard. He was clean shaven in his younger days but as he got older, the messy graying stubble just fit his silver hair.

- Colm has been serving cunt since before he was passing as male. He has always been a Tom boy in the sense of he could never stand dresses and never wore them in his youth or teens. Always had to be a shirt tucked into his pants and a polished gun on his hip.

- he looooooves his big furry jacket. Colm rarely gets dysphoria (he is just so confident and has passed for years of his life), but when he was younger and would, he’d wear the jacket to conceal his silhouette. Still keeps the jacket because it’s bad ass.

- don’t question me. The fingerless gloves make him even more trans to me.

- he maybe cut his hair real short early in his transition, but since then never cut it very short. He’d let it grow out since he didn’t care a whole lot about his hair. He could tie it into a pony tail at this point, he passes so solidly that even long hair wouldn’t make people question his gender.

- <3 he surrounds himself with booooooys. Because he likes feeling like he is one of the booooyyyyys. When you’re the gang leader you can do anything, like brewing yourself in the wonderful (disgusting) environment of an all men space.

- ^^ addition to above: having the iron hand over all the men is empowering for him. Pre-transition, he had the guns and silver tongue to get his way, but it is a different kind of power when he can command people and have respect on the basis of being a man in a man’s world.

- ^^^addition #2: some of the men likely do, don’t, or are unsure if they believe colm is trans. He is so old, and look at his face! His voice too, so deep and raspy. How could a woman sound anything like him? Discussion of the rumors is restricted to only distant O’Driscoll camps where Colm isn’t around to punish (execute?) them for the banter.

- does Colm actually care that much about living ninja? I doubt it. He is so rooted on the throne of the life he built that people thinking of him as a woman would only work in his benefit. His enemies would underestimate him, expecting a country girl in some boots. Then, BLAM, a fuck ass slay old grandpa blows their head in.

- he has top surgery! What kind? I say fans can decide. I’ve drawn him with inverted T top surgery scars just because. He likely blackmailed or threatened a surgeon to operate on him. Had some trusted O’driscoll boys (or his brother) with a gun to the surgeon’s head to make sure the man didn’t do anything funny and try to kill Colm.

^^ additionally, Colm’s brother took the brunt of the gang leading while Colm recovered. Swag brother! ((if you’re curious I imagine Colm had small breasts already but he still wanted to be flat flat)).

- Colm could have a phallus (ignoring the history of what trans surgeries did and didn’t exist at that time). I personally think he has bottom growth and just packs sometimes. ^.^ 👍 t-dick is nothing crazy.

—Trans Kieran Thoughts—

I love the headcanon. I have seen like…. One artist make art about it so a lot of what I have thoughts on is just what they drew.

- mysteriously has testosterone. How it is administered is up to audience. I can see him being a gel kind of guy. Just imagine that man all moisturized and happy with his t gel.

- patch facial hair but it’s getting there. He used to dream of having a beard but he’s coming to accept he’ll likely always have patchy facial hair.

- long hair because he actually vibes with it. Makes him think of when his ma would call him her beautiful daughter. While it causes his dysphoria, since her passing he now thinks of it more fondly.

- his da would bond with him over horses and little Kieran cling to that because it made him feel good and he couldn’t explain why (it was a more “boyish” interest/activity and it gave Kieran gender euphoria).

- his fashion is a little bit of jackets to hide his body shape and breathable comfortable clothes (autism.. sensory.. uhh).

- doesn’t have top surgery or bottom surgery but he binds. Is it healthy binding? Likely not…. Idk how easily Kieran could be ninja in the O’Driscoll gang if he had to take breaks to let his puppies breathe. He undoes the unhealthy bandage binder and it’s red from soreness. anyways he has chest puppies and I love them. I think he used to sneak off and find a creek to wash in and make sure he still has sensation in those poor crushed things.

- his voice cracks are mostly just how he sounds. His DIY vocal training is smoking cigs.

- is scared Mary-Beth won’t like him for being trans. Imagine his surprise when she is also trans. T4T for the win.

- wears all black and green when was with the O’Driscolls but in the VDL gang / afterwards he wears more colors and feels better about letting a little chest mound be visible. He doesn’t bind as severely anymore.

- doesn’t wash his horse-pattern chest binder for fear it might shrink or something.

[ofmighty]

  //   (  melissa barrera  .  cis female  .  she/her  )  .    ⸻  emilia sanchez  ,  a  thirty year  old  ,  has  survived  another  day  in  red  creek  where  they  have  lived  for  their whole life  .  the  trailer trash  is  known  for  being  electric  and  combative  and  is  often  associated  with  last call at the bar , bouncing between jobs , and brown hair flowing mid-dance  .  in  a  small  town  where  they  work  as  a waitress at dolly’s diner ,   word  travels  fast  .  it’s  hard  to  keep  a  secret  ,  and  it  looks  like  the  boogeyman  knows  redacted  (  dee  ,  21+  ,  est  ,  she/her  ,  n/a  )  .

hello ! i'm happy to be here, my name's dee. fair warning, i haven't written on tumblr in forever, but i'm looking forward to plotting & introducing you to my two babies.

BASICS:

NAME: Emilia Sanchez

KNOWN AS: Emilia, Mia, Emi

BIRTHDATE:  October 27, 1994

ASTROLOGY:  Scorpio sun / Aries moon / Cancer rising

HOMETOWN: Red Creek, MI

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual

HEIGHT:  5'7"

OCCUPATION: Waitress at Dolly's Diner

QUICK FACTS:

born & raised red creek to a single mom and younger half-sister. she's only ever lived in the small trailer she was raised in, at the trailer park in town

her mother had her kids young and wanted to keep the party lifestyle going, so emilia and her sister quickly learned to take care of each other and their mom, rather than the other way around. eventually her mom stopped working, and it fell on the girls to keep their small trailer afloat.

emilia always dreamed of leaving her small town and going to vegas or new york to pursue dance, but there was a loyalty to her little family that kept her tethered there. by the time her mother passed away five years ago, she felt like it was too late in the game for her to go for what she wanted. instead she stayed for her sister, and her sister stayed for her, two girls desperate to leave but also unsure how to do anything but stay.

despite the judgment she's always held for her mother, emilia shares a lot of similar traits with her: inability to hold a job ( her mother because of her drinking, emilia because of her sharp tongue ) , spending most of her nights out late at the local bars, definitely inheriting her self-destructive qualities.

unlike her mother, she had no interest in flimsy relationships built on free drinks and lies. apart from one semi-serious relationship back in the day, she's sworn off having to rely on anyone else to keep herself happy—but she is the kind of person who likes some no-strings fun.

fiercely independent and quite opinionated, she struggles with keeping people in her life for long, but the few she does keep around she's fiercely loyal to.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

a best friend or a couple close friends

that one ex from high school / early 20s that made her swear off relationships for good

ex-colleagues before she quit or was fired from a job, especially people she pissed off in the process

coworkers for the diner

drinking buddies

people she mooches free drinks off of

neighbors at the trailer park

former classmates

cousins

girls she used to take dance classes with

childhood friend she grew apart from

truly anything and everything, i'm all ears for plots !!

[karrenseely]

Silver Linings

I just realized something. I learned about the existence of Trans people when I was 12 or 13 I think. I learned about us in a medical encyclopedia. It wasn't a lot to go on, but it definitely was enough. Two things happened when I saw that entry. First I wasn't alone, second I could do something about this.

I absolutely wasn't alone or the only one AMAB who was a girl. That lifted a huge weight off of me, I wasn't alone. People who've never experienced the feeling that you're the only one in the world that seems to not be the way everyone around you is, have no idea how hard that is, I sooo identified with the Last Unicorn as a child. Growing up, I had no positive examples of queer people. None. I can't recall a negative example either that was explicitly queer. There was nothing for me to reference what I was going through. I was taught like all young girls in our society that being a girl is inferior to being a boy (why? Why does our society do this? Even today? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! We're not inferior to men, we never were, but for some reason some narcissistic AH somewhere decided this and then a bunch of other narcissistic idiots with power liked it and here we are living in a patriarchal misogynistic society, which is absolute BS). But I was also taught that being a boy who "wanted" to be a girl (yes I'm aware I was girl all along, though it took me a long time to understand that, because... society) was doubly bad and horrible.

So I was completely ashamed and terrified of anyone learning my secret because I was the only one and I knew it was a bad secret. I'm sure there are other things that happened that taught me this, experiences with my parents, peers, teachers. But I don't remember most of them, and I don't really need to go into it here, as the sadly important point is that I learned very young to be ashamed of myself.

No one ever talked about people like us. Ever. There were the occasional movies involving cross dressing and drag, usually men pretending to be women (notice that key word that differentiates trans people from cis people. Cis people when they cross dress in performative ways are pretending to be the opposite sex or a gender outside the binary. Trans people aren't pretending, we are the gender we identify with.) like Tootsie. I liked the movie, it was nice to see a man who could pretend to be a woman and enjoy some of it. But I never identified with that character, not in any significant life changing way. Because he was a man, he identified as a man throughout the movie and I was a girl forced to be a boy. And most other instances of crossdressing in media were treated as a joke, including Tootsie. "Hello [shame] my old friend, I've come to talk with you again." (1)

So learning I wasn't the only person in the world that felt this way was life changing. It gave me comfort, which I sorely needed. But the second part was just as important. I could actually do something about my body and I could be me. And that gave me hope. Which was sorely needed as I was spiraling downward rapidly at the time. Months later as the horrors of my body changing became more apparent I came out to my parents in desperation, which instead of recognizing me and loving and supporting me, was met w/ dismissal, and attempts to erase me and increased the shaming tenfold. But the one thing that kept me going. The one bright star in that horrible darkness was the knowledge that I could transition someday, not as soon as I'd hoped, not as soon as I needed, but someday. It felt like an eternity away, but it was there, telling me to keep surviving to keep going because I could be me when I got there.

Had I not learned of trans people, I honestly don't think I would have survived my first adolescence. I would just be another dead kid with everyone wondering why I was so depressed and weren't there any signs? (I often wonder how many of the children that manage to kill themselves are queer. Based on proportions of homeless youth, I imagine queer kids are a very large chunk of that statistic.) Just learning about the existence of trans people kept me alive. Knowing I wasn't alone and there was something I could do about it. It was horrifyingly frustrating that I couldn't do anything until I turned 18, but I would be able to do something about it. So learning about trans people saved my life.

Just that one concept, that trans people living their authentic lives existed, was enough to keep me alive. And here is the silver lining that occured to me. Despite all the negative, bigoted, horrible publicity, laws, and hate. Our existence is being talked about a lot. Which means, kids who need to know they aren't alone, that they are not the only one's that feel this way. Are finding out that we exist. Yes they'll need to do research and understand that we and in turn them are not evil, not monsters, not perverts, But beautiful amazing wonderful and caring people. And because of that, maybe. Just maybe, a few more trans kids will survive and maybe even thrive one day, because they learn they aren't alone and there is something they can do about it.

I hope so. I really hope that is the case. I also wish we didn't suffer so much that way, too many of us die. Maybe someday, that will change for the better. (1) Simon and Garfunkel, "The Sound of Silence."

[chipped-chimera]

So, I'm a Lesbian I guess.

So uh, life update. I came out to my Mum, so I figured I'd do so here too.

I've done a bunch of self reflection, healing. I reached out to my ex and we had a good conversation and I think that just made everything even clearer for me.

So yeah, this is me saying I'm not bisexual. I'm lesbian. And I probably always was.

More context below the cut if you want it (it's long). But anyway, here's to finally feeling like I'm finding the real 'me' in all this rubble.

❤️🧡🤍💖💜

I thought I was bisexual for ages. The fact I even got to think that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for my ex, who identified that way and I felt in a safe enough environment to express it. In the past two months I went through some self reflection, and talked to my ex for the first time in 2 years. It was good, and it's too complicated to explain easily but at least on my end I was getting a double dosage of the comphet juice between just regular expectations and the undiagnosed autism (also jesus christ, being a teenager in 2005-2010 that environment was just fucked up for anyone who might be trying to come to terms with not being straight). Kids in my school were more accepting, but also in the same breath using 'Gay' as an insult).

We were both undiagnosed neurodiverse people and maybe it was just the first time we'd encountered someone who just actually understood for once. Who saw who we were and were okay with that. The 10 year relationship, put in that context makes a lot of sense. So I don't blame him for how it ended. If anything I thanked him for breaking it off, because I was in such a goddamn state after being used by the Australian government (see Robodebt) there was no way in hell I had the mental tools or even brain space to realise anything about myself because I was too busy just trying to fucking survive. I would have lived and died in that relationship simply because at least it was safe, and stable. But it wasn't genuine.

Past two years since that relationship ended were fucking rough. For most of this year I kind of just turned into myself I guess, but I was letting it happen because after finding out about the high comorbidity of chronic health conditions with Autism and how it's likely related to long-term compound stress from masking for so long, I really asked myself when was the last time I just let myself 'rest'? Didn't do anything I didn't want to do or feel compelled to do because of some social contract or guilt?

I couldn't come up with an answer.

So I rested. And I think that's basically given me the strength now to finally 'wake up'. I dunno. That's how it feels. I only recently noticed my thoughts about women were structurally very different than the ones about men (and yeah it's goddamn fuckin' embarassing to say but uh thanks Larian specifically for giving me a female love interest tailored to my exact preference which FINALLY connected some dusty neuron in the back of my head or something. It was Karlach. MY GODDAMN GAY AWAKENING WAS KARLACH, ffs) and the more I examined it, the more everything became clear. I was hesitant to remove the bi label from myself, wondering if this was just a really extreme 'bi-cycle' swing but the more and more I thought about it, went through memories in my life, how I could never see myself with someone else it was always characters together and really it was the relationship and intimacy between them, regardless of gender that I was appreciating.

I thought I was grey ace but after going 'huh these thoughts are kind of different' and realising that yeah, I could imagine myself with a woman - it wasn't some weird other shit I'd told myself like it was just visceral self hatred or something, placing myself with a guy it was literally I did not want to be with a guy - it became obvious. So fucking, embarrassingly obvious.

I'm not sure where things will go from here. I am incredibly socially isolated in real life. My best friend is my Mum. I don't have a social circle at all outside of online spaces. I'm 30 and that's a fucking weird age to be thrown out into the world essentially experiencing goddamn delayed idk mental puberty because you suppressed it that hard. I haven't used a dating app in my LIFE. I'm still kind of scared of being hurt by others and I'm aware it's not entirely logical, but I just feel fragile. I'm also still picking up the pieces of my life.

I've confirmed a C-PTSD diagnosis with my psychologist, which explains why all the CBT tools I'd learned over the years just stopped working (CBT doesn't always gel well with PTSD or Autism) so that's probably going to inform treatment going forward. My intense fatigue issues are probably caused by having to carry all this fucking trauma and suppression of myself. As I said to my Mum, it's like I'm just 'Tired from being alive' at this point. I'm really, really fucking hoping it's not Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME. The new medication I'm on seems to be keeping me going past the 4hr mark though, so we might be onto the right medication mix (I do not appreciate the 7:30pm crash, like clockwork, where instead of feeling unfocused and tired like before I now feel jacked up as hell like I'm waiting for someone to punch me however :V)

I don't know where this is going. Or where I'm going. All I know is 'I'm going'. When the breakup first happened, when I hauled myself out of the Mental Health ward and back to my parents home where I had to figure out what the fuck to do after any kind of certainty of my future had been completely obliterated - I saw a lot of snakes. I'm kind of vaugely pagan, if I'm honest. I don't know how to put it. I am very scientific but I also don't think we know all the answers.

My ancestors were likely heavily Celtic, likely some Viking and Pictish influence as both family lines go back to Scotland and Ireland. I know through my reading that natural signs were important to them, so I start noticing when I see multiple occurrences, especially in odd places (I'll be real, I just remembered earlier in this relationship when I was more into pagan shit I saw a lot of Moths. Yeah. Yeah I feel like smashing my face into my desk about that. No I never figured it out then EITHER). I know quite a few things about snakes. Snakes are an animal that is both used as a symbol for medicine, but also classed as 'evil', especially in the modern christian context.

They are considered symbols of rejuvenation, of immortality, much like the Phoenix, they are constantly reborn through the shedding of their skin. Shedding is critical to a snake, because if it does not shed it's skin, it will die. This is a legitimate concern for zookeepers with snakes that have scars - they often struggle to shed completely, and they have to soak the snake's skin in water so they can cast off the skin.

So it's shed or die.

I have struggled to let go of things. Of everything that was done to me, but I knew it had to be let go. And today I have shed a lot of that shit. I am crying on and off but this is probably the first time it's easy. It's not physically painful, like knives in my throat, or something I have to shove down and keep contained for fear of being rejected. It's happy crying.

Because that skin being shed - it wasn't mine either. I needed rest, I needed to soak in that goddamn water dish so I could get through all the scar tissue. So it's probably the strongest image I have in my mind of everything. Of who I am. My entire life.

If you're going through difficult shit in life, all I can say is - you're strong. You're strong as fuck. Strength isn't being able to get into a physical fight, or being super confident around people - it's enduring life and the chaos thrown at you. It's being able to be broken down and rebuild, just like the snake casts off skin for their new selves. You will endure things and be stronger for it, than those who have lived all their lives without any pain whatsoever.

But it could be better, I know. It doesn't justify the pain. But please listen to yourself. Listen to your body. If you need to be selfish? Be fucking selfish! Don't want to do that thing? Don't do it! If you know it is costing you, if it is adding to that scar tissue - stop. Take the time you need to reset, to regain your breath. Ask yourself who you are doing this for. Ask what skin you are wearing and whether that is something you want to keep. Shed it. Let go.

It will hurt, but this is just the beginning. Change feels like a broken bone. But it will heal.

[theresnosafeharbor4myships]

Fandom: Person of Interest, Careese Title: The Tipping Point

A/N: Carter wrestles with the aftermath of Snow 's attempt on John's life, the part she played in it, and what to do to make it right. Carter's POV and missing scenes; takes place throughout s1e10 Number Crunch, s1e11 Super, and s1e12 Legacy.

He was tall. She’d known that from how he’d loomed above her after he’d shot her CI, but seeing him stand there in person, in the headlights of Snow’s SUV, he somehow seemed a giant, taller and slimmer than Fusco, more broad and muscular than Snow. This man in the suit she’d been chasing who’d continued giving her grief. Her antagonist these past few months. The shadow of NYC. The vigilante who’d left criminals for her like a delivery service. The smartly dressed hero who’d saved her life.

And she’d betrayed him.

She watched his expression change from indifference at the approach of their vehicle to confusion as he saw her emerge from it with Snow, as their eyes met and she finally saw him in the light.

Yes, he was tall, but she hadn’t prepared herself for the shiver of shock that trailed down her spine at meeting her protector face to face, the mystery finally revealed. Well-cut suit, broad shoulders, tan skin, sharp cheekbones, striking eyes. Attractive. Handsome. Dangerous.

Carter instantly wanted to retreat back into her ignorance of him, reverse this mistake of pulling him out into the open. Not only because of the regret washing over her for having sold him out, but because she felt the air shift around them as Snow spoke.

The man in the suit stood ramrod straight, on guard, and yet somehow also at ease, as if he had nothing to lose. He wasn’t trying to hide, didn’t run or pull a gun or appear concerned at all that she’d brought his old CIA pal with her, none of the things she’d expect from a fugitive with a rap sheet as long and damning as the one the suits had shown her.

No, the danger she sensed came from Snow, a tense desperation, something sinister in the air.

Then the shot rang out, and in a heartbeat her vigilante lay on the ground, bleeding from his stomach as the ‘good’ guys ambushed him.

They’d baited her, used her to get to him.

She’d been fooled, but not by the man in the suit. Sure, he colored too far outside the lines for her comfort. (As much as she despised it, didn’t all government agencies do that?) But he did it by illegally tracking citizens and breaking into homes and business to...what? Gift wrap criminals for her to bring to justice and successfully close cases? Kneecap dangerous individuals and guilty parties when he could very easily play judge, jury, and executioner at whim? Call in tips that led to good police work? Protect a young girl who’d been on the run for years, a battered woman she herself had tried to save, and, confoundingly, her, the woman who’d wanted nothing more than to put him behind bars?

She’d hesitated calling Snow because, for all the trouble the man in the suit created and the havoc he left in his wake, there seemed something...compassionate about him. Oh, she still thought he deserved jail for the mayhem he’d caused the past several months. She had a job to do, after all, and she stood firmly on the side of doing what was right.

But this...this was all wrong.

Snow had told her he’d been the man’s best friend, that they wanted to bring him in alive, to help him, save him—and everyone else—from the dangerous path he traversed. And until this moment, she’d wanted the same thing, to arrest him, get him off the streets, stop his vigilante antics. But now, faced with Snow’s idea of “help,” Carter knew she wanted something vastly different. The man had prevented her from getting shot, really shot, but her actions had done the opposite for him.

So she ran. Not away from what she’d done, but towards the path that would hopefully provide her answers. Towards him. She’d heard Snow’s side of the story; now she wanted his. The only way she’d get it is if he survived the shot meant to kill him.

She’d told Fusco she’d arrest him if she ever got the chance. And she’d meant it. But when the moment came, Carter knew if she stopped him from escaping, Snow would arrest him, maybe torture him, likely kill him. She wouldn’t be party to that.

So going against the law, all government agencies, Snow, and every ounce of her training, she helped him into the vehicle with his bespectacled friend, her instinct that there was more good to him than Snow fighting with her stance on justice.

She’d trusted her gut many times before, and it’d never steered her wrong. It didn’t mean she had to like it, though.

******

Carter’s thoughts drifted to him often the next several days, wondering if he’d survived that gut shot, if his leg would heal well enough to have him running five steps ahead of her in future investigations, if Snow was closing in on him. If she’d ever hear from him again.

She realized she didn’t even know his name. Snow hadn’t revealed it, and she hadn’t asked, if only because she knew they wouldn’t give her any info they didn’t want her to have. They’d manipulated the details of his story, even playing the ‘we want to protect you, the ignorant damsel in unknowing distress’ card simply because she was a woman, trying to scare her into believing the man would turn on her like he’d done to his handler. According to Snow, his saving her had merely been good instincts, and her lack of them would get her killed like the last woman he’d trusted.

She’d recognized the ploy the second the words left Snow’s mouth, but she let them think they’d gotten one over on her. If he’d only saved her, she might have believed them. But she’d been witness to the handfuls of people he’d rescued before her and heard the desperation in his voice as he’d warned her of her own impending danger. “You’re not listening to me.” Trust or not, the man in the suit had helped her many times over. Snow had simply used her.

Still, Carter couldn't help wondering...had she willingly let a highly skilled assassin go so he could eventually disappear into the ether? Would he escape, drift off to some other city and start all over again, leaving her none the wiser but wholly responsible for the destruction he dished out? Somehow she didn’t think so, though the beast of curiosity wouldn’t leave her.

She vacillated between concern and frustration, the pendulum swinging wide as her irritation mounted day by day. A handful of months ago, she’d only had to do her job, never easy or safe, but straightforward; she simply knew what to expect. Then this man…

At first, she’d just wanted to catch a criminal, the skilled vigilante who flouted the law and rubbed it in their faces. But over the past several weeks, it’d become more than that. The man was a provocative challenge, different than the two-bit criminals, petty but dangerous gangsters, and run of the mill murderers she dealt with day in and day out. He broke the law to do good, to protect people. Who the hell did that? In all her years, Carter had never met anyone like him.

She’d gone into homicide because she was good at making connections, pulling threads that unraveled the mystery of whodunit. But for all of the frustration he’d brought to her doorstep, the man in the suit allowed her to help stop crimes before they happened, to protect citizens before they took their last breath. It was rewarding, thrilling, exciting, redeeming in a way her after-they-were-dead day job could never be. And the cat and mouse game they played—though she had to admit she was never sure which one she was in that scenario—intrigued her.

She needed to know if he’d survived.

She tracked down the man’s associate, “Mr. Burdette” (or he’d guided her to himself, as he’d informed her), and followed the bread crumbs he’d thrown her, apprehending Derek Watson and preventing him from getting himself into trouble. But that left her with more questions than answers about the odd pair, though Burdette had confirmed that their mutual friend was alive, which helped alleviate some of her guilt in having caused his injuries.

It wasn’t enough though. She wanted answers. Between the two shadow men, the man in the suit seemed more...cooperative with her and slightly more forthcoming. The thought nearly made her laugh. That’s like calling the ocean dry, Carter thought. But compared to Burdette and the blank, unforgiving stare he’d given her throughout their conversation, she thought she might have slightly better luck with her protector.

Strangely enough, the man in the suit had called her desk phone the night he’d revealed his whereabouts, and though the number had appeared as blocked on the caller ID, she put in a requisition for the call log to her phone. It’d taken some time, but she figured it didn’t matter much, even as she was anxious to get the info. He had plenty of recovery time ahead of him.

A few days later, an officer handed her an envelope, and she sat down at her desk before opening it. She stared at the call log, confused by the emotions she felt at having this small tether to him. The regret hadn’t left her since that night, but the concern, hope, worry, and anxiety swirled inside her, a volatile concoction that left her stomach slightly queasy. If she called that number, something would change. Everything would change.

She wanted so desperately to know who this man was, how he knew the things he knew, why he’d protected her, why her. Longed to know the real story with the CIA, especially now that they’d used her to get to him and still tailed her. Wanted to know what he’d gotten her into. She wanted to know who his friend was, the shorter man she’d questioned once before without knowing how close she’d come to them. She wanted to know him, to understand him and his vigilante quest.

Carter glanced around the bullpen, but there were too many ears around. She stepped into an empty interrogation room, dialed the number on her cell, and swallowed hard before pushing the send button. It went straight to an automated voicemail, and she briefly considered hanging up before deciding to leave a message instead.

“It’s Carter. I...’m sorry about what happened. Snow said he was your friend, that he wanted to help you. I didn’t know they would...I never meant for you to get hurt, but I met with your friend; he told me you’re recuperating. I’m glad to know that. When you’re feeling well enough, can we meet? No feds this time, I promise.” She let the smile bleed through her voice at the end, hoping he’d hear her regret and sincerity through the stilted message, and hung up.

Now it was simply a waiting game.

****************

Carter’s phone buzzed a few days later with a text from an unknown number. Lyric Diner on 3rd, 7:30am, Thursday.

She found herself smiling at her phone as she read it and self-consciously glanced around. No one paid her any attention, but she forced her face back into neutral as she responded. I’ll be there.

She arrived early to stake out the place. And because the anxiety swirling whirlpools in her stomach wouldn’t slow down. The prospect of sitting down with her protector, face to face, one on one, hyped her up more than any amount of caffeine, but ignoring the fact that she didn’t need any additional stimulants, Carter sat facing the door and ordered a cup of coffee.

She kept watch, wondering if he’d show up. Maybe he’d change his mind? No, he had no reason to set the meeting only to not show, she was sure of it. He’d stake out the place before entering to make sure no one had followed her and to ensure she’d come alone. No Snow or other sidekick with her, no danger awaiting him this time.

“Your coffee���s getting cold, Detective.” He’d arrived early too, just as she’d suspected. His voice came from behind her, his husky tone setting some of her anxiety at ease.

She should’ve known he wouldn’t use the front entrance—when had he ever done anything she’d expected?—and Carter turned her head slowly towards him before raising her eyes to meet his as he moved to sit across from her.

The man was more attractive up close and smartly dressed in one of his infamous suits. His demeanor, cool, controlled, and suave with that slightly smug smirk she always heard in his voice, told her he’d known this day would come. He—this whole situation, if she were being honest—intimidated her a bit, but she couldn’t quell her curiosity. She turned her detective mode on, the armor that kept her emotions in check and her personal feelings safe.

Carter hadn’t quite known what to expect since the man was such a damn mystery, but she wasn’t surprised at how intriguing the meeting went. He seemed impressed by her ability to lose her CIA tails and that she’d managed to track him down (Had he wanted her to? She felt silly that this thought only now occurred to her. Maybe she hadn’t found him at all.). She couldn’t help bantering with him before letting him know she didn’t approve of Snow, and she felt his his concern for her when his face changed so intently and his voice took on a protective edge when he asked who else trailed her. But she finally asked the questions that kept haunting her: where did he get his information? and why her?

It’s when she felt a subtle shift, much like she had with Snow in that parking garage. This time it was directed at her but no less dangerous just because he was friendly.

His voice, though sincere, sounded rehearsed as he answered, “Because your moral compass is pointed in the right direction.” She’d buy that but, despite the slew of them that’d become corrupted, there were any number of cops who did their job well. So why her?

Carter raised her eyes to meet his, the question still lingering. Instantly, his face softened to amusement, his voice losing the superior edge. “Because I’m tired of you chasing me.”

She knew how relentless she could be. Her mind instantly flashed to the first time she’d met him, homeless, hurting, alone, needing help in a way he couldn’t or wouldn’t admit. Now he sat before her, revitalized and helping others, and in the way she’d wanted to assist him: to give him a second chance. It was because of that quality that he’d chosen her.

“You have your rules,” the man countered her. “And you have a chance to save a life.” Though his tone didn’t change, the look in eyes implored her, and Carter knew she’d break her rules, within reason, to help him save someone’s life. She didn’t have it in her not to.

He stood up and slipped a phone into her hand, his fingertips lingering a few seconds longer than necessary. “I’ll be in touch,” he promised.

Carter looked at the phone and then watched him walk away. However he knew what he knew, whatever help she could provide, she wanted to know more and would try to help him save Andrea Guiterrez.

She sat at the table a few more moments, replaying the conversation with him over and over in her mind. He confounded her, piqued her curiosity, raised questions she knew she’d likely never get the answers to, interested her in a way she’d never felt before. And in that instant, Carter knew her life would never be the same.

Also on Ao3 here

[winslet-navarro]

BASICS:

full name: winslet eversley nickname(s): win, winnie birthday: november 16th, 1992 age: thirty one gender: cis-female sexuality: heterosexual occupation: owner of exotic elegance & stripper at bare necessities education: high school diploma location: midtown

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:

hair colour: dark brown eye colour: dark brown height: 5 foot 6 inches tattoos/piercings: ‘noah’ tattooed on her left wrist, both earlobes pieced, belly button piercing  scars: c-section birthmarks: N/A

HISTORY:

TW: domestic abuse, sex work Born the second eldest daughter and fourth child overall to a shameless drunk who spent more time on a bar stool than at home looking after his family. The Navarro patriarch just won’t die and for that, Winslet will be forever annoyed. The Navarro Matriarch was useless and liked her illicit substances more than she liked spending time with the children she created. For as long as she can remember, Winnie and her siblings have been alone in the world. Winnie will still speak somewhat fondly of her childhood because she had her brothers and sisters to lean on. Sure, they practically had to raise themselves but at least they had each other while they did it. The eldest Navarro did her best to shield the younger kids, however, with parents like Dick and Kelly they really didn’t have any change of normalcy in their lives. Winslet is a middle child and has always leaned into the middle child syndrome stereotype. She often felt forgotten. Definitely by her parents and sometimes even by her surrogate parental figure - her older sister Michaela. Due to this, she sought acceptance, attention and even love from others outside the Navarro family home. Winslet would openly date any boy who gave her a sliver of attention during high school. Often ending up in toxic and even abusive relationships. More than once, she returned home with a black eye or bruised lip only to have her older siblings and twin question who had done that to her. If she told them, they would grab the closest item that could be used as a weapon and hunt down the boy who dared raise a hand to a Navarro. Winslet would say she would do better, to not seek acceptance in the love of a boy. Yet only weeks later the cycle would start again. This went on until Winslet saw the very distinct pink lines of a pregnancy test when she was only sixteen years old. By seventeen, she’d had her son; Noah and the father was long gone. She was nothing but a warm hole for him. This was the point that she knew she would need to be better. Be a better parent to her child than the parents she had experienced. She would provide in any way she could. Her older siblings were angels in the early years of Noah’s life, helping to baby sit whenever she had to work. Winslet got a job waitressing at the Rizzo’s Diner. She was making barely enough to survive but she was doing her best. One night, older very well-dressed gentlemen had come into the diner and sat in her section. She approached with a smile and spent the next hour filling his coffee whenever it was needed. Chatting to him about his day and his work. Before she knew it, she had an offer. The arrangement was simple. Nothing sexual to start with. Winslet would accompany him on dates. Talk to him about his life and hers. Go to dinners at fancy restaurants. She would be his sugar baby. It was an arrangement that she jumped at and she quickly quit her job. This was the best way she would have the funds to provide for her son and help her family financially. This arrangement went on for several years and she truly became friends with this man. When their relationship did turn sexual, she didn’t even mind. She was attracted to him. He was a silver fox type, dressed well and was always clean. So why not. She had savings, she had financial freedom and she didn’t have to worry. When Winslet turned 23 the arrangement came to an end. By that point, Winslet had some savings but not enough to sustain the new lifestyle she now led. She jumped at the opportunity to work at the local strip club Bare Necessities. She knew what she looked like. She knew she was desirable and she used these factors as a way to manipulate men to her whim. Soon she was raking in the money again. It’s been several years since. Now, she’s a business owner having purchased the local sex shop Exotic Elegance with the savings she had managed to make. She still secretly works at the strip club a new nights a week, keeping this factor away from her family and her son

[feastonkings]

boyd holbrook / he/him ——— no way is that FINNEGAN ‘FINN’ O’CONNOR.. they’re a 37-year-old HUMAN notoriously known for being ABRASIVE & UNHINGED but there are some people who have seen them being LOYAL & DEPENDABLE. if you ask me, they remind me a lot of a blood tinted smile, embracing the darkness to become limitless, the roar of a beast within hungry for more, fanning the flames of violence, and a taunting laugh, but that could just be because they’re considered the BLOOD KNIGHT around town. just keep an eye on them & see if their true colors shine through..

GENERAL.

full name: finnegan patrick o'connor nicknames: ireland, finn (preferred name) classification: enhanced human gender / pronouns: cis man, he/him age / birthday: 37, march 27th orientations: bisexual, homoromantic occupation: capo for skyport mafia & co-owner of exposed circuits location: middle district status: single family: patrick o'connor (father), margaret march (mother, unknown), kirby (half sibling), several half siblings and cousins strengths: hard-working, loyal, dependable, stoic, protective weaknesses: abrasive, unhinged, sadistic, violent, stubborn character inspo: tba

BIOGRAPHY.

tw: violence, child abuse, addiction, murder, implied homophobia, neglect

born in a chicago prison to a drug addicted sex worker, finnegan o'connor was destined to walk the wrong path from the beginning. patrick o’connor, his father, escaped as a fugitive to america from ireland. He was on the run after being arrested on suspicions of his involvement with the irish mafia. very true accusations, hence why he ran.

in the states, patrick kept his ties with his mafia family back home, running weapons, taking people out, making explosives, and getting rid of whatever other contraband they needed to move outside the country. by the time the guards handed him finn, he had already become a well known name in chicago for all the wrong reasons.

with his father knee deep in international crime, one would assume that they had money but it never seemed like Ffnn or any of his siblings got any benefit from it. they lived in the southside, in a house that should have been condemned long before they occupied it but there were not many city workers brave enough to enter their area.

his mother was non-existent, most of his younger siblings related to him through his father. if finn were to sit down and think about it, he probably has a lot more brothers and sisters out there. the money for food Patrick gave whatever woman he was seeing at the time rarely made it into the kitchen. they were expected to eat what was there, or find some other way to feed themselves. it was a damn miracle any of them survived at all but somehow they managed.

once they were all old enough for school, they had a system down and were already involved in the family business in one way or another.

his volatile home environment offered little nurture there and love was non-existent. he only ever learned a few things: don’t talk to the cops, don’t ask stupid questions, protect the family, and do whatever his father says. the last one was key, because if you didn’t listen you were sure to feel it. which may happen regardless if his father was in one of his moods.

he would claim finn needed to learn some lessons and over time, it became normal. crying or showing any type of emotion made you weak in his eyes so finn learned early on to bottle it up and find other ways to express pain. usually it was through violence, picking fights with anyone who would oblige him. by his teen years he would add substances into the mix to drown the demons or induce a short period of numbness to escape.

finn went to school when he felt like it and wasn’t much of the academic type. as far as he was concerned, by the time he hit ninth grade he had learned everything he needed to for life. he spent most of his time terrorizing fellow students, stealing what he wanted from them and beating the piss out of anyone who messed with family or looked at him wrong. his fuse has always been short, and his first reaction was and often still is violence, it excited him.

otherwise, he was doing work for the family business or running around in the streets of chicago. sometimes this meant partying with friends and associates, other times it meant running and hiding from the cops. he ran from cops like he ran from his feelings and he was damn good at it, for the most part.

things changed when patrick was arrested and five of the children currently living with him were put into the system. finn tried to get as many paired off as possible to keep them together. he'd done his best to look out for his younger siblings when he could, as the oldest he took a bit of responsibility in it, only a little bit though. over time they all had their own agenda and were angry and bitter just like him.

the plan had always been to get out of chicago. once he turned eighteen he could take a sibling or two and they could head anywhere and start over. get a better life with clean air and sunshine in a place where the name o'connor had nothing attached to it. dreams were just dreams, though and at the end of the day finn should've known patrick would find a way to fuck it all up.

all he'd wanted was to take advantage of the empty house for once and then get what was his before his father returned. instead, he was interrupted mid-session with his boyfriend axel who he'd been seeing for awhile. drunk, hateful, and barely coherent, a mixture of strong irish laced slurs fell from his father's mouth. no son of mine is going to end up becoming a string of gay slurs and other remarks. where was everyone else? he had a business to run, was this why wasn't finn taking care of it while he was gone? a worthless failure just like the rest of his offspring.

finn tried to push axel out while his father rambled on. he wouldn't admit it, but axel was the first person he made an attempt at some real kind of relationship that wasn't filled with toxic sewer waste with. his father stopped axel from leaving, and threw him across the room like a ragdoll. he hit finn with several strong fists and pulled his gun on both of them, forcing them to stay in the room.

when patrick returned, he brought a woman with him who happened to be a sex worker. he gave him the ultimatum to sleep with her and 'prove he was a man'. knowing his trigger happy pops, finn did as he said trying not to look at his frightened boyfriend still sitting in the room. he regretted it, because the other got up and once again tried to flee. finn stopped what he was doing to try and prevent his father from doing anything but it was pointless.

patrick beat finn to the brink of unconsciousness, just before things went black he watched him unload the pistol into axel. when he came to the body was gone and he was forced to clean up the mess left behind. his father screamed at him, calling him every slur in the book and told him to get his shit together or he wasn’t his son. for some reason finn stayed around for another month, practically a drone while he healed, blocking out everything around him.

it wasn't long before patrick noticed and confronted finn again. when finn started to pay attention to what he was saying, it was like he woke up. he pushed the older man away from him. patrick stepped forward and raised an empty bottle in his hand to strike, but this time a hand caught his wrist.

something snapped inside finn, he was not going to take any more of his father's bullshit. years of pent up rage, resentment, and pure unadulterated anger poured out of him as he laid into the only man he'd ever feared. blinded by the rage, he didn’t remember who pulled him off his father or if he stopped on his own. all he noticed was patrick didn’t appear to be breathing and a female voice yelling she’d called 911. the next thing he heard was the sirens.

he got up and ran as fast as he could, but this time he couldn’t hide from the pursuit of the police. they caught up with him hiding behind a local bar and threw him to the ground, arresting him. the charges were attempted murder and possession of an illegal firearm. “so, the asshole lived?” was the only response he gave and laughed as they put him into the car.

since he was seventeen, they were able to charge him as an adult. he had a chance to change that if he was willing to give them information on patrick and his involvement with the mob. of course, even after everything the man had done to him and his siblings, finn was no snitch. the judge took the long history provided by the social worker assigned to the o’connor family into account, giving him a sentence of only five years versus the max of fifteen.

he took the sentence with a smile, going away for five years wasn't hard. prison was not that bad of a place in comparison to what he was used to. it was clean, full of people he could relate to, and he was served three hot meals a day. he was cold and numb for the first few months, but soon enough he'd built a reputation for himself as someone who could get any job done and wasn’t to be messed with.

he made some quick money once he was free and a car, not looking to go back home ever again. finn took off to texas, with the promise of a job he'd be good at from his cell mate who'd been involved with the mob down there. soon enough he was in dallas, with new documents and a capo position with the skyport mafia.

over the next several years he built up his name again, as someone who is ruthless, sadistic, and to be feared with enemies. to some he was a protector and others just saw him as a weapon. truly finn could give a fuck less what anyone thought.

he co-owns exposed circuits and enjoys the services they're able to provide the public. some of his siblings, even ones he hadn't known before, have popped out of the woodwork and some cousins too. finn looks out from them from afar, but he's not much of the loving type. protective if they deserve it, and cold otherwise.

HEADCANONS.

has an all black with dark green leather interior vintage dodge charger named morticia

among his many tattoos his body is riddled with scars both old and new, the worst being on his back from the times he was whipped with the buckle side of a belt

he has a hard time looking in the mirror long because he has his father's eyes and similar features

he hasn't had any sort of real relationship since before he went to prison.

finn prefers knives to guns, despite being a hell of a shot. he likes to drag out his encounters, even when it doesn't call for it.

more to come

[fadedstarsfms]

Adelaide Moretti Intro

★ IN CHARACTER ★

FULL NAME: Adelaide Moretti SPECIES: Werewolf (original) AGE: Appears 30, actually ??? DATE OF BIRTH: Late Fall GENDER IDENTITY: Cis Woman NEIGHBORHOOD: Hidden Hills OCCUPATION: Bookseller at The Bookshelf POSITIVE TRAITS: Self-reliant, Adventurous, Loyal NEGATIVE TRAITS: Rebellious, Secretive, Self-indulgent SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual LENGTH OF TIME IN RAVEN’S PEAK: Too Long TATTOOS: She has her siblings initials on her inner upper arm FACE CLAIM: Olivia Cooke

★ BIOGRAPHY ★

TRIGGER WARNING: fire tw, death tw, slight suicide tw, murder tw Adelaide was born screaming in this world, making herself heard by everyone around.  It only continued as she grew older as she refused to be drowned out by her siblings.  She had fire in her blood and it showed in the magic she wielded.  Sure Adelaide was soon known as a bit of a troublemaker but in her eyes being in trouble at least made her be seen by those around her.  She had expectations as a Moretti but Adelaide had no interest in upholding them, only agreeing to get married because her siblings asked her.  In fact her siblings were practically the only people she would do anything for.   Frankly she didn't care about the growing tensions between her family and the others, all she cared about was that her family must be right because they were family.  So she didn't think to really say anything in deterrence to temper with the stone even if she didn't think it was a great idea. But soon the entire family was plagued by sickness and it was the first time that Adelaide was truly scared.  Scared that she was going to lose everything she loved. Luckily the family survived but it wasn't without a cost.  They lost their magic that they held close and instead were plagued by a monthly curse.  Adelaide's rebellious nature only got worse as the anger grew in her.  As time went by she felt like she got better controlling her emotions more, or at least wasn't letting it dictate her actions as much as it was, however it was clear to all around them that they weren't aging.  And nothing Adelaide could do could stop that no matter how much she tried.  So she decided to accept it and make it everyone else's problems. Spending the countless years Adelaide did as her own heart and wants told her.  Whether that was changing people out of boredom or killing people she deemed deserved it, Adelaide lived by her own code.  Sure she came back to Raven's Peak every so often but no matter where Adelaide was nothing felt like home to her anymore.  The only thing that truly calmed her down was when she got to see her family after some time away, so she hopes that maybe if she can stay long enough she would get to run across them again soon.

★ WANTED CONNECTIONS ★

Sires - Adelaide gets bored and frankly loves turning people into werewolves. So if you want one she's here to provide

Friends - She's been alive for a long time and frankly she likes making herself known where ever she is. So please be friends with her

Enemies - On the flip side there's no way this girl doesn't have any enemies, she gets on way too many people's nerves. Come hate her.

Literally anything romantic - She doesn't tend to do relationships BUT it would be fun to see her put down her guard in the past or now. Or if you just want hookups she's great for that

Anything please come love her

★ PLAYLIST ★

Salt In The Wound by boygenius

King by Florence + the Machine

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush

Broken Man by St. Vincent

Perfect (Exceeder) by Mason ft. Princess Superstar

Everybody Wants To Rule The Wold by Tears For Fears

Motion Sickness by Phoebe Bridgers

Sinner by The Last Dinner Party

The Execution of All Things by Rilo Kiley

Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene by Hozier

[murahel]

My good friend suggested I put my thoughts on Blacklist (TV show) here, so here I am.

Before I start piecing this together, I have to say something about the Redarina theory. First, I think it will never be confirmed canon because of bigotry, and also the show has ended and the true identity of Red wasn't brought back on the table since Elizabeth's death. That's two seasons completely abandoning the mystery at the center of the show. Second, I think Redarina should not be considered canon in the whole show because there are clearly contradictions, most likely because the show hesitated on what was the answer to "Who is Red?". Those contradictions and the way Katarina is talked about would make Redarina theory lean towards "women want to transition because of misogyny" terf discourse, which should not exist in the first place.

For Redarina to exist, Katarina cannot be a cis woman. Period.

Thus being said, here is a recap of my conversation with my good friend. Keep in mind I'm no expert, I'm not in the head of the writers and maybe I got some things wrong, so don't come around @ me.

I think "Cape May" is the friendlier episode of Katarina = Red because it is an episode between Katarina and Red.

There are no other characters present. It's the first time true Katarina is introduced (albeit as an hallucination). The whole episode is a replaying of what happened to Katarina the first time they were here alone (got attacked by mercenaries).

It's just so personal between them.

Katarina had come here to commit suicide after having to abandon Elizabeth to protect her. Red is here because Elizabeth just died. "Cape May" is where they go when they lose Elizabeth. No one other than the parent of the lost child would react that way.

Besides, Katarina abandonned a necklace on the beach when they came to Cape May, alone, with no one else to testify of it. And years later, Red finds it when he comes to Cape May and recognises it. The only person who could have known that is Katarina themselves.

Red = Katarina stays the only viable explanation left at the end of the show, especially after s8 finale. Watching s8 finale, I felt like the show had finally decided on a response to "Who is Red?" and that that response was Redarina, especially with the overlapping of Katarina and Red. Then the last two seasons left that mystery to rot and never gave a clear answer, which I guess is understable since Elizabeth died and she was the main character concerned by this (Agnes is too young to be concerned I guess?? Even though it seems Elizabeth told her ThingsTM, which is yet another thing the show will never explain).

Anyway, there are many hints that Red was very close to Katarina, knowing things about Katarina no one else knew and stating he was present in situations where Katarina was supposedly alone.

For example, when Elizabeth was a kid, she was in a house with her parent, Katarina, and her dad, the true Raymond Reddington. Long story short, Katarina and the true Raymond Reddington fight, a fire starts and the true Raymond Reddington dies. Katarina got Elizabeth out of the house, both of them getting burns in the process. The only person left who knows what happened inside that house is Katarina, since Elizabeth was too young to have clear memories of everything.

But then Red knows what happened. He even engaged someone to erase Elizabeth's memories of the night. Even more so, Red was present because he has burns from that night. So since the only person other than Elizabeth who survived the night was Katarina, they are the only candidate left as a response for "Who is Red?"

I'm passing all the other details such as, Katarina's husband wanted to kill Red and immediately let go of the idea after Red whispered something to him, Katarina's allies are allies of Red meaning that all the people who could have taken the role of Red are out there being their own selves.

Also, Red visits Katarina's father, who asks to have his child back, and Red says it's impossible. In s8, Red states that Katarina is still alive and living somewhere out there, so if it was true he could have gotten Katarina's father and Katarina reunited. Hell there's even a wholeass season where a woman impersonates Katarina and if Katarina was still really out there, the best way to get rid of the problem would have been to bring the true Katarina back but he doesn't because Red. is. right. there.

The show has established all the characters evolving around Katarina. The true Raymond Reddington? Dead, there's a whole season about identifying his squeletton. Katarina's husband? Was running around to get Red killed, so obviously he can't be Red. Katarina's handler? He's seen having dinner with Red. Ilya? He's still out there standing right next to Red. Kaplan? She's right there standing next to Red too. The season "Katarina" is introduced and you see her standing in the same room as Red? It's not the true Katarina!

Literally all the characters introduced by the show who could have been Red are not. The only one left is Katarina. The only option left for Katarina =/= Red would be a stranger, like an actor, because all Katarina's allies and relatives are still themselves, but someone not related in any way to Katarina would never care so much about Elizabeth. Or a character not introduced by the show at all, but then what's even the point.

I'm not even starting on the whole discourses Red gives about parental love and what not and how some of his words are sometimes literally the same as Katarina's words.

Then the show also imply, sometimes heavily, that Red would have a romantic/sexual attraction towards Elizabeth, which is disgusting and should never have happened, because the show kept hesitating about the response to "Who is Red?" Lizzington ends up being straight up incest and that's just a big No.

Again there are contradictions, because in one of the early episodes Red makes a house explodes. That house, is the house the true Raymond Reddington shared with his American family, his first family before he met Katarina. In this episode, Red gets inside the house and remembers quircks of the house from when he lived in it (leaving his hat on the hand of a door, a metallic something on the floor creaking under his shoes, etc.) and that are things he shared with his first american family, things from the true Raymond Reddington that Red/Katarina supposedly wouldn't care about.

So there are episodes like that that go completely the other way, even though there's later an entire season dedicated to proving Red is not the true Raymond Reddington.

Anyway, I'm not over the bull ending.

[x-ceirios-x]

Shouichi

Basic Data

Name: Shouichi 

Nickname/s: Shou

Age: s1 - 17

Gender: cis guy, he/him 

Occupation: bounces around a lot. pao family tea house employee as of s2

Nationality: fire nation

Abilities

Non bender Picked up a lot of street fighting tricks in his teen years and doesn’t exactly know how to fight ‘fair’. Then again, when you’re fighting for the ability to eat the next day, fair doesn’t quite matter. He had quite a bit of natural strength from working on a farm as a kid (and all the manual labor that comes with that) and learned to use that to his advantage pretty early on. 

Appearance

 1 2

Physical features: (hair, eyes, skin, build etc) really choppy cut, curly, med. brown hair, black eyes, pretty thin build

Height: i don’t have a number because none of them do but. A little taller than zuko (as of s2)

Standard clothing: i have a sketch of this somewhere i need to find it.

Defining features: (scars, burns, piercings, tattoos, signature accessories etc) killer burn scar he gets on his stomach during the final battle

Other outfits: some formal fire nation stuff he gets from zuko eventually, but he still prefers his stuff from the earth kingdom

Personality

On the surface, everyone thinks he’s a good kid that just keeps to himself. While it’s true, it goes a little deeper than that. He intentionally doesn’t get to know people better than basic small talk and keeps them an arm’s length away at all times. He’s well-mannered and polite, making him a customer favorite at the tea shop, but he’s incredibly independent (to a fault) and insists on doing everything himself.  Emotional vulnerability isn’t his strong suit by any means, but he takes time out of his day to make the kids he sees on the street smile (whether it’s with leftover food or a joke someone told him). 

Likes: country scenery, animals, kids (major soft spot there), flowers

Dislikes: city life, crabby & entitled adults

Strengths: friendly, relaxed, observant, resourceful, independent

Weaknesses: stubborn, reckless, also independent

Fears: time passing, dependency

Relationships

Affiliations/Alliances: team avatar, the white lotus league, iroh, zuko

Family: unnamed father (deceased), unnamed mother (deceased)

Friends: toph beifong, sokka, momo (specifically them, he gets along with the whole gang)

Romantic Interest/s: Zuko

Biography:

Shou grew up on a ranch on the outskirts of the fire nation, pretty far from any close city. His dad raised him since his mom died from an illness when he was a kid, and the two lived a pretty quiet life. The war finally reached the furthest parts of the fire nation (not like it hadn’t before, but things got worse), so the two decided to sneak out and hope to restart their lives in the safe city of Ba Sing Se. When he was about 12, they left for (what was supposed to be) a well-covered dock for refugees to leave the country, but it was run through by fire nation soldiers the night they tried to escape. The boat left with only half of the passengers it was supposed to. His father didn’t make it on the ship. Later, he learned his father died in prison. 

Across the sea and through a long trek on land, he made it to Ba Sing Se. He began working as much and as hard as he could—most places, however, wouldn’t hire a 12-year-old. This led to stealing food to survive, despite how badly he didn’t want to. He learned he had to do what he could to survive rather quickly. The older he got, the more money he could make at formal jobs, so by the time he was 14 (and looked a little older), he was able to get something steady. 

However, in the meantime, he got involved in a lot of back-alley, pretty shady ways to make a little extra: he started in fighting rings where people usually felt bad for the scrawny underdog, but not enough to throw the fight. He learned how to dodge and throw punches pretty quickly (considering there were some nights his life almost depended on it) and eventually started winning. The older he got, the easier it was, but the harder opponents he was thrown in with. Most of the reason he couldn’t hold down a job for very long was that he’d come in so bloodied up he’d get fired. He couldn’t leave, however, because a lot of the other guys had bets in on him. The time he tried, he ended up fighting off a couple of (slightly drunk) guys with knives. 

Things started becoming a little more interesting when he started working at a tea shop around 17. He hadn’t been there long when a rather odd pair (father and son, he originally guessed) showed up. The older man, whose name he later learned was Mushi, was the talk of the city when word got out about how amazing his tea was. As much of a pain he was, always nagging about injuries or offering to help him with things, he was the reason he was getting more money. The guy couldn’t be that bad, right?

The other of the two, a boy about his age named Lee, was a different story. At first, he treated him like any other person he’d worked with—basic small talk was fine, but he tried not to make any meaningful attachments. However, one evening he offered to close with him, so he “didn’t have to be alone all that time”, and he found out he was seriously funny. And he had some of the strangest stories to tell—whether it was about his uncle, his younger sister, or even just the things he’d seen in his travels. He talked more than he expected considering how quiet he was when they were working with others around and Shou didn’t want him to stop. 

Over time, they grew particularly close. Rather than just working together, he surprised himself and called Lee a friend. Mushi seemed to enjoy that either of them had someone to talk to and began spending quite a bit of time together, even outside work. They went for lunch on a day they both had off and he showed him some of the prettier places in the city that they could get into without trouble. (Which also meant getting into a little trouble here and there.)

Their bond turned into something slightly more than friendship shortly afterward—at least from Shou’s perspective. Even before going to Ba Sing Se, he’d never felt so strongly for someone and slowly began to realize things were different with him. He was happier than he’d ever been before and he wanted to tell him that. 

Never a master at words, he wrote him a letter instead of verbally telling him—it was much easier when he could plan everything out before he wrote it down. He offered to meet him that night if he wanted to talk and asked Mushi (who he’d warmed up to a little) to give it to him.

He waited from a half hour before, till hours after they were supposed to meet. It took a long time of denial and several ruined dishes he’d tried his best to cook himself for him to realize he wasn’t coming. The next day at work, neither Mushi or Lee showed up—when he tried to ask the owner, he said he wasn’t given a reason and hadn’t spoken to either of them since the evening before. 

Things became dull again. There was no one there to make him laugh and get the chores done just a bit faster. Despite how much he didn’t want to admit it, he missed Mushi’s songs and stories as well. Whatever happened to them was far outside his control and nothing he could be bothered by anymore. He went back to keeping his head low and guard on, preferring not to let himself get hurt again. It wasn’t fair that they—specifically Lee—left without another word, and it reinforced his already rather draining idea that most people he cared about ended up leaving or being separated from him after a while. 

He heard nothing from either of them for months, until one evening he came home to find Mushi sitting at his dining room table, drinking tea and watching the world go by. After almost throwing the closest thing (probably his shoe) at him, they sat down and talked over tea. 

Mushi explained his name was not truly Hong Mushi, but he was a fire nation general named Iroh, and Lee was Prince Zuko, the fire lord’s son. That should have taken longer to sink in, but he was throwing so many details at once that he had no choice but to follow along. He learned that there was a (now) secret organization of bending and weaponry masters meant to protect and train the avatar (who was very much alive and trying to stop the war) known as the Order of the White Lotus. With the avatar’s help (which he didn’t know he was helping yet), the order was attempting to take back Ba Sing Se the same day the avatar faced Fire Lord Ozai. Iroh very quickly emphasized that he expected him to keep this secret unless he took him up on his offer: come with the white lotus and have a chance to "change his destiny".

That was something where he and Lee (technically Zuko, he guessed) differed—he wasn’t a big believer in destiny. But if it meant out of his run-down one-bedroom and a chance to see more than just the world directly around him, he’d take it. 

They left soon after—he dropped off a letter at the tea house letting the owner know he would be taking an "extended leave of absence" for reasons he wouldn’t discuss and figured he could deal without half a week’s pay with Iroh. They got in touch with other masters who agreed to help and eventually arrived at their camp a few miles outside the city. In the meantime, Shou began asking questions—all of which Iroh would answer with patience. Why did they lie? Why were they not in the fire nation? What happened that he was an apparently disgraced general when he seemed like he’d be perfect in leadership like that? He explained what happened to his son, to himself in the passing of the crown, to Zuko (although he tried not to dwell on that, saying it wasn’t his story to tell), and how they ended up in the situation they were in. He took the time to answer everything and tried to pass on some wisdom through his stories while he was at it. Shou didn’t realize it for a long time, but many of those stories stayed with him far into his adult life. 

Each of the masters arrived and each had their own way of asking “who’s the kid?” And each time was a little easier to not snap at anyone and say he wasn’t a kid. Something about patience and open-mindedness Iroh was trying to teach him. Along with teaching him morals (and begrudgingly accepting that all these old guys were now honorary dads), he started picking up on several fighting techniques. He never got formal training, but picked up on things quickly and tried his best to mimic them. Piandao was even nice enough to teach him how to use a sword—or, at least, how to keep the other guy who’s got one from killing you. 

With time, the stories and lessons sunk in, and he was a lot less conflicted regarding Zuko and everything that happened between them. Iroh reassured him not all hope was lost on him and he hoped to see him again. Somehow, he managed to work in several jokes about how oblivious he was whenever this was brought up. He refused to admit those feelings he had for Zuko might have been reciprocated despite how badly he wanted them to be. 

He got the opportunity to find out not long afterward—one morning, he was practicing reading the maps Pakku allowed him to borrow (and ensured he took very good care of them) when Iroh came into the tent and told him he had a visitor for him. He prepared for the worst and hoped for the best when Zuko walked through the entryway. After a much-too-long and painfully awkward conversation, he found out he’d kept the letter. A million times over, he apologized for not coming despite the fact he wanted to. Too many other things happened and it led to them not seeing each other for months. After clearing the air of any and all confusion, frustration, and anything related to their relationship, they finally kissed—Shou didn’t think he’d been that happy in a long time. 

The final battle was quickly approaching, however, so that happiness didn’t last long. As soon as they were together again, they had to be separated—Zuko and Katara were going to the palace to challenge Azula, the other three (whose names he’d just learned, along with Katara’s), Suki, Toph, and Sokka, would be trying to take out the fire nation airships. Everyone was hoping Aang, the avatar (apparently) would show up at some point during this whole mission, considering he’d been missing for a few days before that. He seemed to be the only one concerned about that aspect of the plan, so kept his mouth shut about it. 

Later, he learned that the avatar was a twelve-year-old kid with a pet flying lemur. And a flying bison. Because all of that made complete sense to any ordinary person. Appa was cool, though. 

When everyone left for their missions, he kept to the promise he made to Zuko: he’d stay with Iroh the best he could and ensure he made it out of the fight okay. They talked for a while at sunrise and Shou took the opportunity to thank him for everything. The stories, the learning opportunities, and simply someone being there was more than enough for him. Since he got to Ba Sing Se, he’d been on his own, and it was nice to have someone to rely on. To Iroh’s surprise, he actually hugged him before they charged in. 

He very quickly learned how important all of those lessons were. He’d missed the adrenaline of a fight (when the tea house got popular he was able to get a little more distance from the rings he usually fought in), but this time he wasn’t facing half-drunk idiots who didn’t know how to fight but could hit hard. He was fighting trained, human-weapon fire benders who got some extra gas power from the comet.  

Again, he picked up on things fast. While the lessons were important, nothing would prepare him for the excruciating pain a fireball to the stomach would feel like. He caught on just in time, too; if he hadn’t jumped in the way, Iroh would have taken that blow to the back. Luckily, this was the tail-end of the fight, and they secured the city not long afterward. 

The rest of the team met back in Ba Sing Se at the request of Iroh—he stressed that Katara, at least, had to come back because some injuries required the healing powers of water bending, and Earth Kingdom medicine didn't cut it. Shou, despite being stuck in bed, asked him not to name him specifically in the letter. She would come to help where she could, they both knew that. He didn’t want to worry Zuko more than he had to. 

After quite a bit of healing, Doctor Katara (he started calling her that) insisted that he stay off the muscles as much as possible, and getting a lecture about him not taking time to heal past broken bones either, she handed him off to Zuko. He got yet another lecture about how he should have been more careful and how he was terrified for him and he was right to be. Through a lot of tears and several punches to his shoulder, he finally convinced him to take a breath and sit with him for a while. The two ended up falling asleep (the best they had in days, maybe weeks) and didn’t live it down from Sokka, Aang, and Toph for several days. 

Afterward, things went as smoothly as they could. Rebuilding a nation (and the world, really) after a hundred-year war wasn’t easy, but Zuko seemed to handle it well. Still having complicated relationships with the fire nation, Shou decided to head back to Ba Sing Se and help manage the Jasmine Dragon with Iroh. They visited each other when they could and communicated mostly through letters for a while. 

After a long time in this process, he finally left the Earth Kingdom and decided to stay with Zuko at the palace. They got married (there was no rule against it but many probably wouldn’t accept it) and eventually adopted a little girl named Izumi. 

Their adventures don’t necessarily end there. Things still happen and Shou made friends with someone else from the fire nation—a girl not much younger than himself named Kiui. 

Extra Information:

Main goal: Live to the next day and figure out what to do when that happens. 

Hopes/Dreams: Not having to survive one day to the next, go back to the country and live on a ranch. 

Playlist

if you made it this far ily. lmk what you think about him <3

[vengefvlx]

PART I: CHARACTER BASICS

Faceclaim: Adeline Rudolph 

 Name: Cadence “Cadie” Kentwell 

Age: 25 Gender: Cis Female 

Home: District 2 

Role: Victor of the 66th Games  and Mentor 

Personality: Intimidating, Chaotic, ruthless, loyal, determined

Song:   Glory and Gore by Lorde

PART II: CHARACTER BIOGRAPHY

Mentions of killing, death

Cadence Kentwell was born into a long line of Kentwells that believed they were better than the rest. It was drilled in to them that you either went into the games or you became a peacekeeper. And so Cadie found herself being enrolled in the District 2 training academy before she knew it. Of course she loved it. She had grown up thinking that the best way to be the best was via the games. Her one goal was volunteering and winning the games. And she was going to let noting get in the way.

Of course it was hard. Cadie was small. A lot smaller than most of her fellow peers. And so they underestimated her. They didn’t think she was good enough. That was just bait to Cadie. She was determined to show that she was better than them, and that she didn’t need the advantage of being tall. Being small gave her advantages of her own anyway. Cadie quickly learnt that being agile and quick on her feet could help her overcome some of the biggest tributes.

Cadence was also lethal at long distance. Up close, her height was a disadvantage. But Cadie learnt to use knives and spears to her advantage. The weapons soon became her weapon of choice, and Cadie soon rose to being an actual player in the training academy.

When the time came to it, she never actually got to volunteer. She was 17 years of age when she was reaped. Each year there were people that were supposed to volunteer. Nobody volunteered for Cadence. But the girl was not surprised. She had made no effort in making friends in her years at the academy. What she didn’t understand was why someone would waste their one opportunity to claim glory, to let her go into the games instead. She supposed she knew that they probably thought she wouldn’t make it.

But she proved them wrong. Cadence won. She'd never doubted herself. And so she returned home with her head held high. Of course, deep down she was never the same. There was something that came with killing other people her own age. She didn't regret anything that she had done. She'd had to survive. But, something had changed inside of her.

And returning home was difficult. Re-adjusting to life was difficult. She supposed the only thing that kept her head above water was training her younger sister. Clove Kentwell was 7 years younger than Candence. She supposed that was a good thing, because Clove was just as thirsty for the win as she herself had been, and she wouldn't have put it past Clove volunteering in her sisters place.

So Cadie spent most of her time preparing and personally training her sister. She didn't know if Clove would get reaped or picked to volunteer, but she wanted to make sure that she was ready. They had no real other family. Whilst they came from a long line of Kentwells, they had no actual immediate family. Clove was everything she had. And she was going to make sure she wouldn't lose her if she did go in the games. Of course she idea that she could have left Clove all alone if she’d died in her own games hadn’t crossed her mind until after she’d won her games.

But she did. Candence lost Clove. She wasn't surprised when Clove volunteered. She had to one up her big sister after all. But, what did surprise Candence was when Clove was killed. It was like a sucker punch to her heart. And the worst bit was that Cadence hadn't been able to react. She had a ice cold bitch reputation, and all eyes, and cameras had been on her. She hadn't been able to mourn her sister.

Not until she had returned to two anyway. The moment she stepped off that train she had locked herself away in her Victors house. It felt more like a prison than a Victor house though. She spent most of the next year here, unless required to be else where. And then she plastered the fake smile onto her face, and tried to make people believe nothing was wrong.

Only those who truly knew Cadence would be able to tell. And there was really not many of those people left. Cadence had never been a very trusting person, and so, with Clove lying in a grave, there were not many people left in this world for her.

She supposes that is what makes her a perfect mentor for the Quarter Quell Games. Though she could kill any of the rest of the District Two team for not giving her a year off this year. It was what she deserved after the heart ache of last year. But she once again finds herself thrown into mentoring. At least this time she doesn't particuarly care if  District Two win.

Once upon a time all Cadence Kentwell cared about was making her district proud. Now she just wants to survive.

[merrock]

CHARACTER INFORMATION

face claim: Barrett Doss

full name: Bowie Hawkins

nickname(s) / goes by: Bo

pronouns & gender: She/Her, Cis Woman

sexuality: Pansexual

birth date: March 20, 1989

birth place: Merrock, Maine

arrival to merrock: Local to Merrock

housing: Historical Downtown

occupation: Firefighter

work place: Fire Station

family: 1 younger brother (adopted)

relationship status: Single

PERSONALITY

Bowie has a wall up to new people and she rarely lets people all the way in as a self-preservation method. Though she has a hard time letting people in, once she does let someone in though, she is fiercely loyal and so whatever she needs to do to protect that person. She’s been through a lot but she is learning to try and let more people in.

WRITTEN BY: Jo (they/them & she/her), est.

BACKGROUND / BIO

triggering / sensitive content: fire, death, child neglect

Never in Lilianna and Marco Romano’s dreams did they imagine having a child and they made sure Bowie knew it. They resented her for even being conceived, as if she had anything to do with it. It was honestly a miracle that the little girl survived living in that house as long as she had, which was until she was 8 years old. By the time she was 5 she had learned how to use the stove and how to keep herself alive while her parents went out of their way to party and leave the girl on her own. She preferred when she was by herself, because then they didn’t leave her with their creepy friends they tended to when she was a baby. When she was 8, her teacher got curious and she ended up telling her all about what her home life was like and she called Child Welfare Services who removed her from the home. 

Bowie was placed in a temporary foster home and then she went to who would be her adoptive home, her teacher. At first she didn’t believe it, but she knew she was lucky because she was an older kid and they didn’t always get adopted but her teacher had taken a liking to her and she was happy in her home with her new family. She finally was growing and flourishing with a loving family where she felt happy and loved. She had two parents who loved her and a younger brother who she got along really well with and it made her turn away from the path she would have been heading. She lived a good life from 8 onwards and she knew better than to take any of it for granted. All good things must come to an end, or so Bowie had heard. She experienced it when she was only 16. There was a fire, and Bowie got her and her adoptive brother out but the two of them couldn’t save their parents who perished in the fire. The siblings were sent to a foster home, something Bowie only had to experience once before, almost a distant memory at that point. They were unfortunately separated at that point. Bowie had fought pretty hard to get them into the same home but it never happened. She was also never formally adopted and aged out of the system at 18. She changed her last name from Romano to Hawkins to match her adoptive family.

After everything she had been through, Bowie has a bit of a tough shell but underneath it all she is a teddy bear. She would never admit it to anybody, but she still deals with memories, almost like she is back in the fire. They come in her dreams and she tends to wake up with night sweats. She knows she should go talk to somebody about it but she just can’t seem to get herself to go. She is afraid of what that person would say. Though Bowie had never really thought about what she had wanted to do when she grew up, after the fire, she knew that she wanted to become a firefighter, to help save people. She worked hard once she was able to and eventually she passed training and landed a job at the firestation. She loves her job and doesn’t want to do anything else with her career. Her only wish is that she knew where her brother ended up.

[bubbelpop2]

(stick around, this addition will sound questionable sometimes until the end of it)

I think that this inherently ties in with the fear of men in general. There's no way of knowing if a man is positively or toxically masculine until you really get to know them. And so men are just sort of.. feared by default. And even if you do know someone, men can be scary, period-- even if they don't mean to be. Which is a valid reality worth addressing. Cis men, Masc Trans women, Masc Cis women, and Masc Trans men tend to be.. well, intimidating. And that doesn't give your friends the right to abandon you, but I think it's worth addressing when trying to tackle a problem like this.

(I am a man with a uterus, by the way.)

Masculine people who tend to not be very expressive tend to appear unapproachable, and there's a little bit of a personality change (not by much, but it would be noticable to those closest to you) that comes with being on T. You may be happier. You may be louder. You may be angrier. You may speak less. You may speak more. You may be harder to read in general, by people who are far more used to your old mannerisms. There are a lot of different reasons as to why someone might disconnect with you after transition, and they're best dealt with by being asked about directly. Someone may not know exactly why they don't click with you as much as they used to.

If someone specifically cites your gender as the reason for them being uncomfortable around you, that is... Morally grey. It's not great, and on the bad side of Tumblr (t3rfs) it's used as a primary tool of ostracization-- but from a person who lives in a rural conservative area, with several close relatives who have experienced abuse and SA.. I get it. It may have much more to do with the fact that you're masculine than the fact that you're trans.

It might be some innate thing that you've learned without knowing it, as a means to keep yourself safe, especially if you're queer in a rural area. That's okay. Being afraid of masculinity is valid in such an age where the average cishet man is, let's face it-- not that great, and very capable of hurting you for any reason. It's really a survival tactic to try and sense whether or not someone is safe to be around when you think a stranger is a cis guy.

Even so, it is in no way ever acceptable to ask anyone to try and be more feminine for your comfort.

Your personal phobia of masculinity or men or whatever never gives you the excuse to treat your old friends like shit, and it definitely doesn't excuse telling them to act more feminine. What the fuck is wrong with you. You need to address your own internal issues when it comes to fearing men. Not project those issues onto your friends to try and change them.

Your personal feelings regarding a situation do not have to translate into hurtful words and actions. You are responsible for not being a dick whether you are conditioned to fear men or not. (And you should probably unpack those feelings.)

I'm obviously not saying that you need to trust every masc presenting person you see just because they might be a trans woman or a trans man or queer, but dude. You can't exclude people from queer spaces just for being outwardly masc.

(also if you find some way to twist my words to attack masculine or non passing transfems just break your keyboard. They are wonderful and they are women. If you think they're a man at first glance, a passing fear is only a human response, especially if you've felt personally traumatized by men.

But trans women aren't men. And to let that fear develop into actions that clearly display rejection and disgust and disrespect, even after you learn they're a woman? Gross.

I had a fear of all women (cis and trans) for a long time. I've always felt more comfortable around masc people. But it never stopped me from at least trying to welcome women so i could judge them by their character instead of gender. Why is it okay to be a dick just because you have a fear of men? If you swapped the genders that shit would be demonized.)

Anyways, do not in any way try to misinterpret my language to hurt trans women or cis/trans men. I think men's issues and the issues of people who get clocked as masculine should be cared about way fucking more than they are now. Nobody should like, demonize or ostracize people for being masculine. Men's issues matter. Men's feelings matter. And honestly? Transphobia that affects both trans men and women would be a lot easier to tackle if more people were willing to address how the patriarchy affects and isolates men within an intimidating role. I don't wanna be the "men's rights/not all men" guy but, man. You need to care about men if you want to care about feminism and transphobia. Not all men or outwardly masculine presenting people are gonna kill you on sight.

tried to vent in a trans space about how, as a trans man who’s been on T for a long time (over 7 years now), i have noticed that the more i pass as a man, the less welcomed i am in queer spaces unless i go out of my way to feminize myself. and how that sucks! and it’s isolating!!! and it feels horrible to see ppl who used to like you and be close to you drift further and further the more masculine (& therefore more comfortable in urself) u become…

only to get ppl replying to me and saying “well if you dressed more fem then ppl wouldn’t be intimidated by you. you signed up for this”

i’m sorry but i didnt sign up for social isolation when i transitioned, i signed up for gender euphoria and comfort in myself and my life. and i had hoped that the ppl in my life would be able to see how much joy that brings me and continue to love me.

[feastonkings]

jenna ortega / she/her ——— no way is that OPHELIA GOMEZ.. they’re a 22-year-old SYNTH notoriously known for being SUPERSTITIOUS & NIHILISTIC but there are some people who have seen them being SUPPORTIVE & ADVENTUROUS. if you ask me, they remind me a lot of falling asleep to horror movies, taxidermy animals in cute costumes, creepy quiet appearances, out of place smile that doesn’t match the aesthetic, speckled freckles that accentuate facial features, but that could just be because they’re considered the NIGHTMARE FETISHIST around town. just keep an eye on them & see if their true colors shine through..

GENERAL.

full name: ophelia luna gomez nicknames: oph, lia classification: synth gender / pronouns: cis woman, she/her age / birthday: 22, occupation: paranormal investigator & employee @ tbd orientations: bisexual, biromantic status: single family: jhoana gomez (mother), lourdes gomez (mother), sibling (wc), older sibling strengths: creative, supportive, adventurous, honest, smart weaknesses: blunt, morbid, superstitious, nihilistic, odd character inspo: tbd

BIOGRAPHY.

ophelia was made after multiple attempts to have another child didn't work and her mothers were simply not satisfied with one. they made an arrangement with the skyport mafia that allowed them to use the back of their siblings oddities shop for their dealings.

she had a relatively normal childhood. school was school, though she never felt like she fit in. her interests were strange, focused on the paranormal, horror, aliens, and dead things.

one of her first hobbies as a teenager was learning and doing taxidermy. she dressed them up and posed them to represent other types of characters and occupations. she still sells these in an online store.

there was a few people that she could call a friend and they were the people that helped her survive high school.

her mothers kept her being a synth from her and her sibling until ophelia was eighteen. this was not only a surprise, but an outrage to her. she took it as them being ashamed of what she was and had a hard time forgiving them for keeping it a secret for so long.

she was originally slotted to go to college but instead of accepting the scholarship she went to work at the oddities shop and started working as a paranormal investigator.

ophelia still hasn't talked to her mothers, she moved to the lower district and lives with a roommate there. she has no clue if she's doing what she wants to for the rest of her life, but for now she's just trying to survive.

HEADCANONS.

coming soon...

[ofwrxth]

CHARACTER BASICS

Name: Nolan Thorne

Age & Birthday: 29, June 24

Gender/Pronouns: Cis Man, He & Him

Birthplace: The Wards

Current Residence: The Wards

Role: Runner, glorified handyman around The Wards lol

Positive personality traits: adaptable, diligent, innovative, resilient,

Negative personality traits: bitter, incisive, restless, self-sabotaging

ABOUT

Nolan grew up in the wards with parents Lydia and Victor. They worked with the TPC for years and years, becoming trusted runners. However, when Nolan was just five when the truth about his parents TPC involvement was uncovered by (WC – older member?). For years his parents been skimming off profits and resources for themselves from runs. They'd even sold a few TPC secrets to Vanguard for a hefty payout, resulting in some runs gone sideways but them remaining unscathed at the cost of TPC lives. This included the Port Nexus Slaughter (where Vanguard took out fifteen members of TPC because of information leaked).

TPC leadership at the time reacted strongly, making an example of his parents for the sake of the greater good. They said that the only way The Phoenix Collective survives is if their secrets are safe and their ranks fall in line. Unity was the only way forward and they couldn't allow those who'd profited off of their own to continue. So yeah his parents were floated in a controversial decision that some TPC were for and others were against.

Nolan, for his part, was just a kid. Five years old and given to the care of the community. He was shuffled from place to place, never lasting long with anyone family within TPC. Some people resented his name for the losses they'd suffered because of his parents turn-coat nature, others felt sorry for the boy.

As he grew up, Nolan tried to prove himself – that he was different from the legacy his parents left. He was anger at his parents for what they'd done. For leaving him. He was angry at TPC for not giving a second chance. For not accepting him fully as he got older. He wrestled with the why of his parents actions for years and still does at times. He was bitter and full of self-doubt that he was different from them. He struggled with anger whenever anyone spoke poorly of his parents, but he also struggled with the need to show that he wasn't like them at all.

Over the years, however, Nolan has done his best to contribute to TPC, finding that it's the only place he knows how to belong to. It doesn't even feel like a choice anymore. Just a fact of life. He's a bit more clever than people give him credit for, always assuming that his stature means he prefers to fight (he doesn't mind), but he's actually quite adept at rigging power grids and ventilation systems to to help their community, or siphoning water from the upper levels down to them. Station maintenance usually fixes his hacks but he still does them around The Wards, trying to contribute.

A name is a powerful thing, and while not everyone held it against Nolan, some people did and it slowed his progress to a trusted runner. Which he's now become. Some people still doubt him. Some people still make snide comments. But he does his best to keep his anger in check, to prove he's different and contribute to the cause.

CONNECTIONS

WHISTLEBLOWER – However, when Nolan was just five when the truth about his parents TPC involvement was uncovered by. Maybe it's a member who was in their teens or early 20s at the time (so they're older now) and they figured out what his parents were do/revealed the truth to higher ups. Maybe they didn't know that the reaction would be so extreme. Maybe they did.

SINS OF THE FATHER – This person (people) lost a loved one(s) because of Nolan's parents. Logically, they know he didn't have anything to do with it (being a child at the time), but they can't help their snide remarks.

SECOND CHANCES – Friend(s) of Nolan who bite back on his behalf when people are derisive.

SIBLING – Nolan doesn't need a younger sibling but if someone wants to bring in a sister or a brother, I would be open to discussing dynamics!

RANDOM SIDE NOTE – I was thinking that leadership 24ish years ago was different from the Alvarez family and maybe the decision to float Nolan's parents caused a ripple affect (that it was too harsh?) and ended up costing those in power their leadership positions down the line and it eventually went to Alvarez in some capacity before Santi (or maybe to Santi directly but he'd've been 24 so maybe NPC dad? – Just a thought)