#because even knowing this would be the hard part i didnt realize how discouraging it would be to see my dream drown like this

[tiecladartist]

I've promo'd my book's tumblr account on like 4 different social medias (including tumblr itself through this account).

I've followed topic-related blogs big and small, and interacted with/reblogged their content.

I've used all manner of applicable tags both proper and conversational (ie talking through tags to make it less rigid and because it's the norm on here)

I've liked, reblogged, posted, changed the profile pic, the whole shebang.

Only thing I haven't done is directly message/ask folks requesting follows because that just doesn't feel right. And yet the book blog is completely dead in the water. I know that content-wise Tumblr users would be the most likely to enjoy the series, so obviously I'm sad about this, but I genuinely don't know what I'm doing wrong at this point 😓

If you like fantasy books; stories about angels, demons, and cool magic; casts with lgbt characters (the main characters are Aro/Ace and Pan, and many other characters are lgbt too); or even just wanna follow out of pity/sympathy, the blog is @divinetrialsseries

Don't know what else I could do to get it off the ground now, so all I can do is get down on my knees and beg. Pride is a price I'll pay to get this story the attention I dearly hope it deserves.

[thechangeling]

Tell me a story

Ty doesn't believe in fate.

A shout out to @ilikebooks8 for convincing me to make a fanfic about autistic!Eleanor Blackthorn. Autism is genetic so it makes sense for Ty to have autistic ancestors. If you are autistic I guarentee you have someone in your family who is also autistic they just haven't been diagnosed yet. For me, I've got my dad.

Cw: mentions of ableism, abuse and the death of a minor character. Very anti Andrew Blackthorn.

"Tell me a story," Tiberius' asked, in that mature, matter- of-fact way he spoke. Ty was only eight but already he sounded like a boy twice his age in terms of his vocabulary and the way he spoke.

Although he still had the voice of a child which was rather amusing. Eleanor turned to face her son with a groan as she felt searing pain shoot through her bones. She had been laying down all day due to feeling extremely unwell. The noises and lights of the outside world were especially brutal, but she had gotten used to it overtime. She had learned to cope. To smile and nod and make eye contact. To control her movements and still her hands and laugh at their jokes.

Eleanor played the part of the proper shadowhunter and the dutiful wife, the attentive mother. It didn't matter that it had changed her. Had completely turned her into a different person, someone harsher and colder. Someone who was so quick to anger and venomous hatred.

Someone who only knew how to be in pain.

She always tried to not let that side of her show to her children. They didn't deserve it. But the past few weeks in particular had been brutal. Her body felt broken and it was becoming harder and harder to put up that facade.

She faced Ty with the best fake smile she could muster. "Which story would you like to hear?" He climbed up on the bed beside her and sat down in an odd twisted position where his legs were in a W position. He began tapping his hands on his knees as he appeared to contemplate his choices.

Eleanor could remember a time when she was younger when she used to do that. Before her parents had stopped her. She knew she should really tell Tiberius off to discourage him from doing these things in public. He was so blatent and open in a way that frightened and almost angered her. There was no telling what kind of reaction The Clave might have.

She didnt want him to end up with the dregs, or worse.

"I don't know," Ty said finally scrunching up his eyebrows. "I can't think of one right now. Could you make one up?" Eleanor smiled in spite of herself. She had always loved making up stories ever since she was a kid. She had always been a creative person, painting and drawing as often as she could. Shadowhunters didn't really appreciate a creative streak.

Eleanor nodded. "Ok sure, let's see." She took a breath, trying to ignore the agony spreading through her back and shoulders. "Once upon a time there was a prince who was trapped in a tower that was guarded by an evil ogar. The prince had been rumored to have special powers so he was forced by his parents to stay locked away in the tower forever to keep him safe. He wasnt allowed to make friends with any other children so he grew up alone. Teaching himself how to read and write and playing games to amuse himself."

Ty rolled his eyes. "Isn't that rather cliche? The whole prince trapped in a tower story? I've definitely heard that before."

Eleanor laughed. "Where did you hear the word cliche Tiberius?" Ty shrugged, not seeing the amusement in the situation.

"It was in a book. Can you keep going?" He whined impatiently. "I wanna hear the rest."

Eleanor sighed, shaking her head good naturedly. "Alright then. So the prince was trapped for a very long time. Then one day a mysterious adventurer came exploring nearby the tower."

"Can it be a detective?" Ty interrupted, bouncing up and down. He had been obsessed with Clue lately.

"Alright sure, it was a detective. He was searching the answers to a murder mystery. The murder of a young women."  Ty instantly looked interested. Perhaps murder was not the best subject for a story being told to an eight year old, but Ty was a shadowhunter. They were trained to deal with blood and death.

"His was searching for information and came across the tower," she continued. So he decided to investigate. He snuck passed the ogar and into the tower, where he was ambushed by the prince!"

Ty gasped excitedly, wriggling in place. "What happened next? Did they fight?"

Eleanor opened her mouth to continue, but then the bedroom door flew open, startling them both.

It was Andrew. Instantly Ty shrunk himself down, hunching his shoulders. Eleanor knew that Ty didn't always get along with his father but she knew Andrew still loved him deep down. He glared at them both.

"Ty your mother is meant to be resting," he said pointedly.

Eleanor shook her head. "Oh no it's alright. He wasn't bothering me." Andrew didn't seem to hear her.

"Tiberius let's go," he said harshly. Ty hesitated for a moment, looking up at her.

"But I wanna hear the rest of the story!" He protested. "I wanna know what happens to the prince!" Eleanor sighed solemnly. She didn't want to disappoint Ty, but she was feeling pretty worn out.

"Another time baby," she assured him. "I promise."

But unfortunately she never got the chance. She never got the chance because little did they know, Eleanor Blackthorn had cancer. Something that silent brothers couldn't cure. Something that shadowhunters were powerless against.

"What are you thinking about ?" Kit murmered from his spot curled up against Ty's chest. His breath tickled Ty's chin.

Ty paused, not quite sure how to answer. They were lying on the roof of the LA institute again. It was their special spot. Kit had suggested a night of star gazing for a date since the weather was nice.

Things has been a little weird between them lately. Kit had been pretending that everything was fine and he was unfazed, but Ty could tell that something was bothering him. And he had a feeling he knew what it was.

At Magnus and Alec's anniversary party, Jace made a joke about how Kit and Ty would probably be the next ones to get married and Ty immediately went into a blind panic. He completely froze up at the mention of marriage. At the mention of him getting married. His body instantly went into a complete overload almost as if he was on the verge of a meltdown.

He didn't take the time to think about any of it. He just snapped and yelled that he wasn't getting married. That he wasn't ever getting married. Ty wasnt even sure where it came from. Kit was pretending like it wasnt a big deal but Ty knew he was hurting. He could tell.

Ty traced a pattern across Kit's arm. "Honestly it was nothing," he assured him. "I just-." Ty stared at Kit, studying his face. The curve of his lips, the adorable blush of his cheeks and the tiny beauty mark under his eye that Ty loved to fixate on. Everything ached, but it was a good kind of ache.

Ty loved him.

"I just want to stay like this forever," he murmered. "Here with you, where I feel safe and warm. And loved." Ty nuzzled his nose against Kit's. "I want to be with you forever."

Kit smiled distantly before breaking into a slight frown. "Then why don't you wanna marry me?" He asked sadly. And Ty could instantly hear the old ghosts of self loathing and insecurity still haunting Kit's thoughts.

Ty sighed. "It has nothing to do with you I promise. I just really don't want to get married and I'm not even fully certain of why exactly."

Kit stroked his cheek slowly. "Is it the idea of a big wedding? Because we don't have to do that you know. We can totally just skip it," he said assuredly.

Ty shook his head. "That's part of it but it isn't the only reason." He paused to contemplate what exactly it was that was making him feel this way, feel so afraid.

Strangely enough, Ty kept coming back to his mother. His mother who was always a little peculiar in private. Who always seemed sad and exhausted even before the silent brothers diagnosed her. Who was constantly going along with whatever her husband wanted for whatever reason. Because she assumed he knew what he was doing? Because she didn't want to make waves in a society so rigid and obsessed with conformity?

Ty had been considering it more and more lately.

He sat up, displacing Kit from where he was resting. "I think my mother was like me," Ty admitted in a shakey voice. "I think she was autistic and that's why she ended up in the situations she did."

"Ok?" Kit looked confused. "But that still doesn't explain-."

Ty interrupted him. "She was trying so hard to fit in and do the right thing and she would just let him control her. She kept compromising for him because she thought that's what she was supposed to do and also because despite it all I think she really loved him! And it made her so stupid!" Ty shouted.

"I just don't want to become trapped like that," he confessed.

Kit was silent for a moment, just staring at him with a puzzled expression. "Ok, but Ty you realize that I'm not your dad right? Like I would never try and control you or make you into something you're not. I'm not trying to own you, I'm trying to love you!" He argued. "Ty, marriage isnt supposed to trap you. It's about making our relationship into an Offical legal thing that everyone's forced to acknowledge and accept."

Kit took Ty's hand in his. "It's about making each other family."

Ty looked away. He couldn't meet Kit's eyes when he was staring at him looking so hopeful and desperate. It did strange things to Ty's insides. He squeezed his eyes shut, scrunching up his face along with his fists for a moment before letting go.

"I just don't want to let someone have power over me in that way," he explained. Kit sighed, then smiled softly before leaning forward to rest his forehead against Ty's. Ty let out a little moan as he let the tension release from his body with a sigh. Kit placed his hand over Ty's heart.

"But don't you get it Ty?" He asked softly. "You already have, whether you meant to or not. I'm in your system sweetheart, in your blood just like you're in mine." Ty felt him smile. "Like we were made for each other. Like we've spent our entire lives waiting for each other."

Ty pulled away from him. "No I don't believe that," he stated firmly. "I don't believe in fate or destiny or soulmates. I think it's an overt  romanticization of life and the human condition which can have disastrous consequences. It leads people to believe that they are somehow incomplete without a romantic partner which is incredibly problematic." Ty realized he was probably going on a bit of a tangent as he was known to do. But he couldn't be bothered to care.

Kit pouted a little. "Yeah I get that. But I don't know. I like to romanticize things in life. After everything that I've been through, I guess it just makes things feel better you know?" Kit glanced at him hopefully."I don't care if you don't believe in any of those things. I do. And despite what you might believe, you aren't always right about everything," Kit said pointedly.

Ty scowled at him. Kit was undeterred. "And I get that you're coming at this from a scary trauma place. I understand that. I have those too. But you don't have to be afraid of me," he pleaded.

Ty couldn't resist reaching out and touching him, pushing a curly lock of hair behind his ear. "Can I maybe think about it?" Kit smiled and snuggled up against Ty's chest again. "Of course," he murmered. Ty leaned back and resumed his earlier position, staring up at the sky.

He nuzzled his face against Kit's hair. "I'm glad you're not mad at me anymore," said Ty.

Kit snorted, turning to face Ty. "I'm never mad at you love. It's pretty much impossible." Ty grinned and leaned forward to kiss him slowly, savoring the feeling of Kit's lips against his.

Kit broke off and kissed Ty's cheek, then his orbital bone. Ty giggled and closed his eyes which prompted Kit to place a kiss on each of his eyelids.

"I love every inch of you," Kit whispered. Ty couldn't speak. He was too overwhelmed. He just wrapped his arms around Kit even tighter and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

They lay in peaceful silence for several moments before Kit spoke.

"Tell me a story."

In case you missed it, the story Eleanor was telling Ty is the story of kitty in Lady Midnight basically. Also. Not me projecting my fear of marriage onto my comfort character! 😂

Tag list: (lmk if you wanna be added/removed) @playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @knifescythe @ti-bae-rius @dianasarrow @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies @zfoxdraws @julieandthefandoms @older-brother-kit @ilikebooks8 @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @heloisacosta23 @adoravel-fenomeno @eutonyinwhisper

[dapper-nahrwhale]

for the writing ask, number 3!

Asiksj thanks so much for the ask!! (Under the cut is some fantasy high riz and aelwyn friendship I've been writing)

"One scene you want to write but cant because its difficult"

I guess it's hard for me to write like cohesive scenes like I'm used to writing slightly connected oneshots like 5 + 1 type stuff, shortish scenes that arnt connected much. But writing like stuff with connected plots is difficult, coming up with ideas for plot is easy actually writing it all together is hard.

Like theres like this fantasy high mafia road trip thing au (the title would be Pretty like a Car Crash from some song I think) I'd want to write but... trying to put together a whole plot ugh I enjoy writing lil oneshots and scenes but trying to get it all figured put is hmm not my strong suit.

Like writing out whole scenes that are connected with actual plot is hard so I just write unconnected scenes and all I'd like to figure out how to do like whole stuff but idk.

Actually some writing (fantasy high riz and aelwyn friendship I've been cooking up) under the cut cuz it got pretty long

I'm not going to write out a whole entire plot multiple chapter thing here so I'll just write some stuff that I've been working on. Even though this is a multi chartered plot thing so.

The road to recovery is paved in sleepless nights and tired mornings. (Title)

The bad kids are rightfully wary about letting them hang out together. Partly because they're both paranoid enough to think the other would take an attack of opportunity on them. Of course what the bad kids didn't expect was for them to band together when someone else gets murdered. Basrar gets framed for murder. Riz and aelwyn are on the case.

Riz doesnt like or trust Aelwyn. Aelwyn doesnt care about his opinion, but it's easier to try and get along with each other to make this long suffering case go by quicker.

Aelwyn decided to stop doing super toxic things because her sister and jawbone have gotten her to and because she doesn't like or enjoy going to parties getting rekt and kissing strangers anymore. So she needs new, slightly less toxic habits and if staying up late researching stuff while not sleeping is that then the only one to also do that would work. Putting her high intelligence to good use. (Sleeping is hard for both of them, so why not be productive instead of going to have a bad time sleeping.)

They've both killed more people then they should have. They both refuse to talk about too much with jawbone, even though at this point they really should. Instead they avoid all of their problems by solving cases and researching stuff. They both value knowledge. Adaine isn't here because she'd only discourage them and they know it's not healthy to burn out like this but. Well. It's the only way they know how to function. So. They don't talk about their feelings or anything. They both don't sleep at all if they can help it. They just work themselves to the bone, refuse to sleep because of really bad nightmares and hope it's enough. It isnt. But they'd really like to think it was.

Combined, they would sleep about 6 hours, riz passed out for 4 and aelwyn trancing fitfully for 2.

(Aelwyn will trance for just a few hours, sitting in a creaky old chair while riz works on something or other. They make it a rule to always have one of them awake if the other is sleeping when they end up working late. Paranoia and all that. So whenever riz inevitably passes out in his desk aelwyn will keep watch and go over spells in her book to keep herself awake. It's a shot system but it works for the most part. Sometimes they'll both stay up the entire night, sometimes theyll both be too exhausted to stay up anymore and fall asleep at the same time.)

To solve the case they hole up in rizs office for a few days, everyone panics at first when neither go to school and then riz and aelwyn dont answer their crystals cuz it wasnt charged and they were so focused on the case they forgot to do school. They freak out considering what happend last time and actually bust down the door of his office and find them both sleeping. It's cute but they wake up and start fighting them before they realize oh it's just the bad kids.

(Undetermined time later)

"Just had to get away from adaine for a bit. She worries about me too much."

"Are you giving her reason to be worried?"

"Probably"

"I dont know how sam and adaine and everyone else can forgive me. I'm a terrible person." Alewyn

"Were. You were a terrible person. You arnt anymore. Even if you think you still are, you arnt anymore. The horrors you have done are not who you are. Or something like that. The you who did all the terrible things is still you and that sucks but you just have to do better now" Riz

"It doesnt make up for all the stuff I've done."

"Probably not. It might never."

"Ostentasia still hasn't talked to me or even been in the same room as me. and I cant blame her. I cant forgive myself."

"Yeah. I mean you did put her in a palimpsest prison for several months. And then almost get her and the other maidens sacrificed to our evil vice principle dragon. That's pretty messed up "

"Yeah."

She feels she doesnt deserve her new family. She hasn't done anything to deserve their free love. She in fact has done more to hinder it than anything.

Adaine reminds her of love without expectations. It's hard to remember but shes getting better at it.

Jawbone tells her he wanted to adopt her. She didnt understand why. Shes almost old enough to be on her own she doesnt need anyone to look out for her. But it would be nice to have a parent who cares. At least that's what adaine tells her.

Everyone else is getting better and they both feel like they're not.

This is by no means all of it or in any way done or edited and I'm still working on riz parts of it, those are much more difficult than aelwyns for me to write as of now because they're so based on my own personal stuff kinda but I'm so wicked excited to be writing this! I just think they're friendship would be so intersting and all!

[sainadazai]

Chapter 2

There was a certain essence of security in the fact that one kid would be sent home today, still there was a horrible feeling inside you that you'd be the one leaving.

There was no reason for you to fail, Mr.Aizawa didn't seem to be singling anyone out, though.

That alone made you nervous, if he didn't have someone specific in mind, then it was free reign whoever would be booted at the end of the day.

Bakugou threw a softball more than seven hundred meters, you were sure your primary school record was less than 30 meters. With your quirk you didn't need dense muscle, it required lean muscle and mostly on your back.

Manipulating the state of matter in metal wasn't really difficult, but lifting it with your mind was.

Even more, it was especially hard to keep it in its semi-liquid state while you manipulate it. Cause many people have conjuring quirks, hell probably somebody in this class had a quirk that could make things, yours was just also limited to one specific material.

It took a long time to perfect your own unique fighting style. You didn't wanna be like cementoss, or Best jeanist, although they were great heroes.

Being a carbon copy of a hero that already has existed served no joy to you, you were y/n, and that's who the world oughta know.

Was that really gonna help you now, though? What were these eight tests he was talking about?

test one: 50 meter dash

Should be easy enough, why use your quirk on something you already excelled in during school. Y/n L/n - 100 meter dash - 12.67 seconds. It couldn't be hard to half that at least, maybe even quarter it, you wouldn't use your quirk here.

You really need to stop underestimating people, in your heat, the first at that, were Tenya Iida and Tsuyu Asui. The boy was well built, muscular, tall and his legs seemed to have engines in them. He was sure not a good match to make you seem strong or fast.

The girl had long, green hair and beautiful round eyes, she seemed to have some sort of frog hybrid quirk. Probably much faster than you as well. Not really the best time to second guess yourself, you already assessed this test. No quirk. Don't waste your energy.

Ugh, but shouldn't heroes go a hundred percent all the time? God this was infuriating.

"Go"

Well, there you have it, first day and you're already overthinking. Without letting your worry get to you, you sprinted towards the speedometer hoping you wouldn't get discouraged by the fast boy in front of you. The air flowed against you, pushing your hair back. You had forgotten about the tension air creates when you run against it, but it didn't matter. As quickly as it started you heard Iida's score, the Asui's, but you knew 50 meters was easy. You knew you were fast even without your quirk, you would prove it.

"6 seconds"

"Without a quirk?"

"What even is her quirk?"

"I don't know, she wasn't in my exam."

The others after you seemed to be faster than you too, even if by seconds. However, it was helpful to learn exactly what their quirks were.

Uraraka- zero gravity

Iida- engine

Bakugou-explosion

Knowing all this made you unique compared to them, because now, you know their quirks and how they work for the most part, but only a few even can guess yours. Maybe it won't help you too much now, but in the future this knowledge will.

Test two: Grip strength

Easy, this can be done without even touching that little machine, but sure, you'd give me a show.

"Woah, you hit 500 kilograms?! You're such a beast"

The boy with extra arms seemed to do well on this, you could obviously guess why. Still, you had no fear at all in this test. What were they thinking putting an object entirely made of metal and wires in your hand? Rigged in your favor to be honest.

You took the contraption in your hand, avoiding the eyes of the few watching you to see what your quirk was. Jokes on them, cause with this test, it'd take a genius to tell. Applying a decent amount of pressure from your hand, you began to feel all of the particles in the tiny machine, moving them closer and closer together. Pushing them down with each breath out. Until the machine beeped.

12,000kg

You almost smirked at that, you technically didn't have that much plain grip strength, but the teacher said use your quirk, anything goes.

"Twelve thousand!? No way!" the yellow haired boy spoke with astonishment, not anger, but the words felt accusing,

"sorry.."

The students were left dumbfounded. However, at the mention of such a high number, todoroki began to seek out your face, he recognised the girl who had tried to speak with him earlier. Looking at the floor and avoiding the quite obvious compliments, he couldn't help but feel it wasn't out of modesty.

Test three: Standing long jump

The ring on your finger would serve well enough for this one, removing it, you liquified the metal ring until it was a non-Newtonian liquid- or a liquid that is solid under pressure. It soon multiplied until it was around a foot high line of liquid metal, then you curled it into a spring shape. Jumping straight up you landed both feet on the outer edge of the spring and flew into the air launching it with you and quickly turning it back into a tiny ring around your pinky finger.

Then apologizing again as more questions floated in.

Next was repeated side steps, then ball throws. By then, the other students had acknowledged the uncomfort you seemed to have around them, and only admired from afar.

To others the ball throw seemed like the most important test, but it didn't really feel like that to you. Despite having some restraint, you wanted to be the best in every test. Well, maybe not this one, after the gravity girl sent a ball to infinity.

Still, you held the softball, all eyes on you, not feeling so shy, considering you knew these were supposed to be your friends, you wanted them to like you, more than anything. So you would just have to woman up soon.

You tossed the ball to yourself a couple times, feeling for any metal particles, baseballs were usually full of string on the inside, maybe that would work? No, too risky for now.

Feeling pressure to hurry, you took a quick glance around, locking eyes with the boy who sits by you. He still was stone faced, but looked a little intrigued to see what you would do. Was he curious about you? He was so strong though, you'd seen it earlier. Well, best live up to expectations.

No luck with metal in the ball, but there was plenty all around you: iron in your blood. Taking your pointer fingernail, you scratched a quick cut on your opposite palm, maintaining eye contact with the boy. His stiffness faltered for a second, confused and maybe worried at your actions.

Quickly you dragged your blood out of the cut in a thin, rope-like flow, wrapped it around the ball, and took a deep breath. Then you closed your eyes, just how you taught yourself to, and imagined the blood pulling the ball into the air. Arm swung back and ready you released the image along with a throw high into the air.

Continuing to focus on where your blood would take it, you imagine not a place, but a number, and a force. Applying that force to the blood and ball, long lost in the sky, you finally sighed out and looked around, waiting for a score.

Your peers seemed confused about what had just happened, all except for the red and white haired boy, he seemed to have caught on to some extent.

"1,609 meters"

"A mile, exactly? How?"

"Your blood? That doesn't match up with everything else you've done today!" A girl with recognizably large breasts and thighs spoke, she was gorgeous. Hair tied up in a black ponytail, and even her voice sounded sophisticated.

"Uhm-"

"If you say sorry one more time i'm gonna blast you to space, ya hear me!?"

The fire boy, Bakugou screamed at you, and you would have been scared, but it actually made you feel comforted. The realization that people here were not asking for your apologies.

"Yes sir." you winked.

Why did you wink? Did you forget you weren't talking to mochi? A yellow haired boy, whose name you thought was denki turned red and fainted. You felt incredibly stupid, and flustered, and mad at yourself for slipping like that.

"AAAaaa im so sorry, pleaseforgivmeidontknowwhatiwasthinkingwinkingayoulikehatwhenyoubarelyknowmeohnopleasedonthatemenowimsorryimsorrymochiwillyellatmelater!" you screeched out, falling subject to your now loose personality.

Then you went to hide among the crowd of them, slowly shrinking in on yourself.

The next one up was the green haired boy, Deku? That's what bakugou called him, right? You didn't know you were standing next to shouto todoroki, but he sure knew he was standing next to you.

He wanted to confirm his suspicions about your quirk, and also he subconsciously wanted to know what a conversation with you would be like. You didn't seem too eccentric, or obnoxious like some of the kids here. Plus for some reason you were flustered at any and everything,and well, it was stupidly adorable.

Todoroki shouldn't be thinking these things, but he is. On the first day of school no less.

It seems, though, you weren't the star of the show today. He tore his eyes from you at the sound of your gasp. The boy who hasn't used a quirk all day had thrown the softball barely a few meters. So how did he get in? He seemed nice enough, but it sparked the question, how would someone quirkless make it to the hero course?

Or maybe he wasn't, it seemed, the teacher had nullified whatever quirk he tried to use. They were talking for quite some time, until Mr.Aizawa removed his restraint on the kids quirk and he was left to throw.

His lips pursed, deep in thought. Deku really had to get this one right. There may not be a better place to apply his gifted quirk. He really didnt wanna go home, either, so this was it.

Blinking, he thrust his hand back and before you could process what was happening an incredible force of wind flew back on you. The ball launched high into the air, a trail of pure power following it. You didn't take your eyes off that ball until it dropped. A puff of dirt flying up around it.

705.3

So you looked back to the boy, eyes wide just like everyone else, and your eyes found a bloodied purple finger. Broken in every sense of the word. Deku, though, was smiling, the brightest smile you'd ever seen. Proud. He was proud of himself. What could you be but proud of him, too?

You'd known him less than a day, spoken to him all but once, but his smile was pure. You used to smile like that when you were working out your quirk in the forest behind school. It was beautiful.

"Awesome.." you whispered through a smile clad lips.

Teeth white and shining under the sun, and todoroki heard you. Even looked down(or up) at you. He wanted to see that smile again from you, and for the love of god he couldn't tell himself why....

A/n this isn't a deku fic but I love him, and it IS his show, so- don't be surprised if i write about him like he is the most precious gorgeous blessing on earth.

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

[stry-someone-to-remember-you]

Plan(ed) to Have Something Ready, By The Ball Drop &/or Tomorrow!!! If Everything Works out...

Hey Everyone, 

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE!!!

Wow, this is the second message without any art added or anything... LOL... Seems odd really to do this without having something up by now... By the way, yes the current avatar pic is related to the comic as you’ll come see soon. It’s and early sketch so some kinks aren’t worked out in the current image. But it was the one I was ready to have when I made this blog so there was at least something...

So as you probably can see by this title, I do plan on having something posted... I just don’t know to what extent. Due to some family drama, and continually piling on work I wasn’t able to get my Christmas Pic out to you guys, which was just a static scene with a few of the characters to get us started here. But... well family got in the way, continually decorating till Christmas day... a lot of things going on, bickering (though we all love each other) it’s just... you know life. I fully expected this as well, which is why I promised something before New Years, but didn’t specify as to what.

I postponed that idea to be released today or tomorrow, after seeing how I was completely unable to get to the work by Christmas Eve. But, by the looks of the progress I made on it and my families continually need of me till we get some things done in this house (that always has something to be done in it... LOL, at least things are coming fairly together).  So lets just say, I may not have anything out by tomorrow. But with hopes I want to have something out. So We’ll see. I could release early the character sketches. But I want to keep this blog clean as possible, so I feel releasing the character profiles, cards and blogs together prior to the Prologue, would fit better and keep this page having a cleaner look to it at the start.

 Maybe even by midnight tomorrow PST I could have something... But that again depends. I need to clean stuff for the internet/cable guy and I’m seriously allergic to dust... So the next few days I may be in an almost sickly comatose state regardless of the precautions I take. If dust gets kicked into the air at all and isn’t properly vacuumed up, than I’m often sick for days... I feel like all I’ve been doing the whole month is cleaning or working story wise on this comic... Mostly cleaning if you ask me, but at least after Saturday things should be more relaxed and I can have a better work schedule planned out. So yeah, that’s my life...

But DIDNT’ WAN TO LEAVE YOU HANGING with this Negative Nancy Talk ;D ;P ;D lol....

I want to tell you what I have so far:

I have the Christmas Image at least with the basic building blocks to complete it. Like I’ve drawn where I want things, but not detailed anything... So that’s why it may be a day or so... Technically its a Happy Holidays and New Years piece, but with the Christmas Tree in it I have the habit of calling it such...

I may have plans to detail it a bit more then I plan on having the comic, but that also depends on things. I may just leave it in the same style and not fully decked out to make it easier to finish...

~Several Characters for the beginning have their final forms created. These are major characters that will be scene in the prologue. I’m just having to figure out out little things with background characters in some instances.

~The prologue is almost completely written out. I had a change of heart a week ago on some things and had to change it around, which is why the written format for the prologue isn’t complete as it initially was. I just felt some things didn’t fit, so I added and took away some things so it flows better and also works both fanfiction wise for the story, but easily mixes for the Ask AU... I also have at least the beginning portion of the Intro script written, the parts unaffected by the changes. However, parts of the intro will be written out, depending on the questions you ask the characters in this prologue so these portions I’m leaving open on purpose. It’s the plot driven portions I’m mentioning that I’ve changed slightly. ;) I have fun plans for the prologue. Remember this story has a clear direction I’m taking it with plot. But the Ask portion will be a part of it, I have such a fun way of Ask’s being tied into the plot driven story, and it will change depending on the context, person and setting which makes this really fun to plan out. 

                   -With that said, here’s an early heads up, that for Ask Questions, I will allow any sort of asks, but if it has potential to spoil a part of the story, then I won’t answer it. Alongside this, I’ll allow Anon magic to a small degree. I won’t include Asks that like spoil something for a character, or tell the character where someone is, give away what someone else is doing to another character, etc... Unless it may fit the context, but generally I won’t use these types of asks. I will allow Anons to appear occasionally rather then just be unseen voices, as I have fun ways of incorporating Anons into the story that also works with different points in the plot. I will accept things like... say a dog or cat to appear for ex. amount of asks. I already know who they’ll be and have been planning out their designs, but I may draw the line at other animals (e.g. horses, fish, racoons, squirrels, lizards, etc.) Although, I do really love rabbits, I chose to make it concise to just two animals that if asked could appear. It’s not because I can’t draw them but I don’t want things getting out of hand. Types of anon magic I’m not going to use if put in the Ask portion, are things like giving people certain powers or items that may completely effect the tone or plot of the story, accept maybe if I did a non-canon AU to this au for fun one day. I will go more in depth in the general rules later. In no way is this to discourage anyone from asking such things. I may set reminders at times if I get to much of something. But, in general I’ll do what I can to make this a fun Ask blog all the same.

~The Larger Summary, I promised like a trailer would be in the comic form I have rendered the Script for, and have two slides so far drawn out, just not completed. (for the time I didn’t have around the Holidays compared to normally I actually surprised myself with this)

~The story itself is really coming together, I already have a starting and stopping point (which I had prior to this blog) as it will have several Acts and Arcs, some which have greatly changed and take on new depth since the point I started this blog. The themes and story in general are drawn out pretty well.  I don’t have all the chapters I’d want fully written. As I have my plan, but I also want to get the prologue in first, just to see if there’s anything I should change with my concept. It’s just a precaution, something I’ve learned well when taking on something new. So I don’t have things that are written in stone and hard to change if the form I’m hoping to take doesn’t work out and needs to be retooled or something. But these are minor and shouldn’t change the overall scope and plot I’m taking this story on either.

~I’ve created several of the character bios, many in fact are already written in true Henry Stickmin fashion. But as I took inspiration to make this into a AU as well, I will possibly make both the bio cards and show a static shot of the characters alongside it or something... It’s an idea, but I want this to also be the easier comic. But, considering that I’ll always have a static shot I use as reference for any character I make, this is what makes this more realistic to occur as well. ~I’ve nearly drawn out all the characters for the intro portion. And already know how I’ll handle Anon’s in the story. In the Prologue itself, I’ll actually have you Anon’s being referenced as audience members in a conference of sorts. Think of it like those conferences when a new Apple or Microsoft product is first advertised as something new to the news conference, those big rotunda’s where someone's being interviewed and presenting the hot new item. Think of the opening to the prologue being something like this scenario. So the questions directed at the character in there, who... *cough* I will introduce later after I fully render both their character profile and have their character bio(s) fully done. Which considering how fun and easy it’s been to do this so far shouldn’t be to long now... Although to keep from getting questions to soon on them, I may hold off on posting the Characters and Bio’s till I have that Intro/Trailer completed... I’m still considering which to do first actually. But top on my list out of all of these is having my cover art for the top completed. That’s something I admit though I have the layout I have hardly started on and should focus on first.

~I’m also taking close looks at how to properly make the rules for this group. When I posts either the Character Bios, Holiday Pic, OR the Trailer Comic... Maye even just the cover art... Then I will try to have out an official Rules list. The one I have on the group posts is just general stuff... But I’m reconsidering some rules I already wrote... Basically keep things family friendly, be kind an courteous, nothing vulgar or disturbing. 

I may change this from a PG-13 comic to maybe PG-15. I’ve realized recently, there are some points that some characters do swear... sometimes more then once. I’m not someone who talks with vulgarity myself, but I sure can write characters with it.... Let’s just say I’m going to see if in those scenes I might just bleep out words and see if the dialogue still comes through. But, I dunno... LUCKILY, we don’t have to worry about many of those scenes till way further into this comic. So lucky for either of us, this isn’t a major concern at the moment. And on the plus side it’s not the crudest words I could have chosen so... it may still work as a PG-13 work... I’ll make this decision soon as possible. 

Another reason for the sudden change, came as I realized as the story goes, and even in early chapters there will be scenes where blood is shown and physical mortal danger and peril is experienced by the characters. I do have heavy theming sometimes, later on it may seem constantly about. As this story is heavily Drama/Mystery and some suspense based. As the story progresses it will become less Drama/Mystery and more based around the drama/suspense itself. This will obviously be some more intense scenes that showing less blood would allow me to make PG-13, however I also don’t want to undercut the certain tones using representations of a mortal wound would bring. I also want to look at things like these future scenes realistically. Which is why I’m mostly considering changing this story to a PG-15 or at least more certain I am. I just don’t want people shocked that I’m doing this. I don’t feel this story will be R, there was a time where I heavily considered it. But for once I decided no, I didn’t want that. I just didn’t want to open the door for scenes I didn’t intend to have in this story. There will be heavy themes that my have TW for some people. But I didn’t want some TW’s  that having a R rated story could potentially have. I mean certain themes people are free to write fanfictions for, and depending on the content can make art for. But again this will be family friendly group... As You can see I’m considering more then a little here when it comes to the official rules. These details will be followed up on the official rules post.

~~~~~~

Now I apologize for the length.

The structure of this and the previous Authors Notes will probably fall under their own category for length. I’ll work to make sure posts in the future won’t be so long and hard to read. It is early morning for me when I woke to write this, and I found once much of the day passed that I still wanted to include the stuff I did into this update.

I have more to tell you, but I think this post has spurned the energy in me out. Anything that I missed in this post, I’ll try to remember to update in the next post (hopefully after I get some art on here). What I can’t do at the moment is promise dates right now till I’m more certain of schedule to work on this or can promise that my general allergies won’t cause me to delay this at all. But I can confirm that I should have several things coming out this next month, including the comic Prologue I hope. Depending on the traction the comic and fanfic gets, I may try to work on it quickly, or take my time with it. I may do a mix of both as my perfectionist self won’t let me just shoot something out without giving it my all first. I’m shushing that side slightly so this comic will be easier on me then the more detailed one I have planned. All the same, I’m planning to work on this one more at the moment till I can get an idea of my work flow. Sometimes the easiest route of work is better for planning, rather then diving head first into the deep end right away. You don’t learn to swim by jumping head first into the ocean. Piece of advice that it took years for me to learn myself ;). Anyways, I figured since I did promise something hopefully by today or tomorrow, I’d give you a formal update... Also... Well I can’t promise that updates won’t be like this in the future. I’ll try to keep them concise. But as people who know me, well have learned when it comes to personally talking I tend to write or talk out epistle. So... When I give updates, I may have lengthy ones... I’ll try my best to keep this side of me out of updates, if I can help it. Anyways Happy New Years Everyone!!! I hope everyone's Christmas and Holidays were extra special, despite the state of the world!!! 

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE AND DAY!!! Sincerely, <3 (Mod) Sweet Heart Blaze

[blarhiv]

Now i understand why people say shipping is toxic. Since i started seeing Jikook more than friends and notice the shipwars, i cant watch taekook interactions, i literally scroll down when i see a taekook-yoonmin etc. ship accounts. Because deep down i am scared their interactions will make me notice Jikook is not actually that special. I just saw a tkk moment and watched it this time. And indeed, Jikook's interactions aren't special now i look at it objectively –> –>

Because if some interactions happened between others, i'd say it's friendship. But between Jikook, the same interaction seems as if it means more than friendship. It's ridiculous. Like in the last live, tkk stared at each other for so long. And i know it doesn't meant anything. We do that with my friends when we cant find something to say. But when it happens between Jikook, inckuding me, we all make a big deal out of it. Because that's what we want to see. What i want to see. I can't enjoy BTS content as much as i did before anymore. Because however all of us deny it, i am sure most of us, just like me, search for some moment between Jikook instead of actually enjoying the content. Even unconciously. This is what is toxic about shipping. I'm not even talking about toxic shippers which is something else. It hit me so hard. And because i already fell into this ship, now i will never be able to watch BTS videos lile how i did years ago. I don't know what to do. Maybe i am delusional about Jikook but i believe in them. But tkkrs do, too. And yoonminers. Anyone does, really. They believe in their ship as much as i do. And it discourages me, making me realize actually how stuck i am with a ship that might not even be real. Tell me something, please. I want to watch BTS without worrying about ships. I want to go back to the times i never knew about shipping. I really need help. Guh..

Hi!

You know, I absolutely relate this situation about not be able to watch bts content without searching KM and so on. It really happens unconsciously. Just my mind in one deep corner of head tells me “hey! here we are!”. Before, it was really hard level, like I really couldnt watch anything calmly. Not now, gladly. Just take it easy. Everything comes from our heads (wow, captain obvious).  Also environment affects a lot..  You know,I even would say this( but get me correctly please) : ship isnt a first thing and even isnt a second thing in supporting group, member, music etc... You dont have to prove anything to anyone. They are real? Perfect? No? Amazing. 

About second part of the topic. Ship wars- that sucks. The only way to avoid it- try to follow only proven pages, dont use some apps, dont search such info and so on.. Personally, I follow some pages, don’t search any info about what i dont like to see.. kinda.. for what..we all have better things to do. And about KM’s relationships...as I said before, to be very honest, its not an ending of this world if truth isnt like we want it be. Their behavior is similar with others? Yes, absolutely. But if you harmless enjoy their interactions, harmless believe that there is something else.. then its good! Why not? This is a personal matter. If others believe in tkk, ym, TaeYotan... good! Its only their business. No one is right, no one if wrong. Because we dont know the actual truth! And unlikely we will. If talking biased, there are a lot of moment that make KM different, if we compare with others. But this is only opinion. My advice- take it easy. This is conclusion I came after 3 years. Relax. And I really don’t know what to do with this thing when you unconsciously search KM haha... I suppose,only time treats. Thats  how was with me. And i’ll say honestly- if i didnt have blog, it would be even easier to watch bts content. Also work with own head. Yeah, life is always work on yourself. Everything comes from our mind..

Also...just remember why you came to this sphere... Coming back to the origins is a really good thing. 

[vampexx]

I have tried a few times now to write this post but I just couldnt go forward with posting it, thinking its too personal...

But...here it goes...

I have always been a painfully shy, paranoid and self conscious person so being this open is really scary for me to say the least due to my struggles with confidence and self esteem...

And drawing has been something I did for as long as I can remember...and it was something that helped me growing up...

However, ever since high school in 10th grade, I have had almost all my drive and love for drawing drained from me from comparing myself to the other, "better," students in my art class and from my own art teacher who at first, in 9th grade, started as a somewhat positive influence but then the next year being really negative and rude.

I was the student that was told, "youre not done, go back to your seat, keep working," when going to my teacher for advice. When he said this, he would only glance at my work before turning me away. All while the other students received kind, positive and constructive criticism when I did not.

He even addressed me, out loud, in front of the class, regarding my low grade, saying, "the only reason you arent failing my class is because you did your homework last night."

For context: the homework assignment was some drawing exercises...and the reason my grade was low was because, it was towards the end of the year, I had completely given up on myself and my art so I didnt turn in a project. One, because I never cared enough to finish it and two, it was an act of rebellion on my part.

That was the first and only class where I actually had an F-....I didnt even know it was possible to get that low of a grade...but trust me, it is. My math grade was never even that low.

Now, this art class was something you had to submit a portfolio for it to be reviewed so these 2 art teachers could decide if you were accepted into this art program or not. (It was exoensive too, if I remember correctly, it was like $200 per semester, and I did this for 2 years).

And against my own self consciousness, while feeling like I was far less qualified than others, I challenged my self doubt and fear of rejection and tried out anyways...

And a few weeks later, I found out I was accepted. That moment went down as one my top, most proud moments. I was proud of myself for a change.

Only for that to change a couple years later...where the little pride and confidence I had left in not only myself, but my skills in art, just dropped so low.

On top of that, my academic grades while in this art program, were also dropping considerably due to the amount of stress I put myself through trying to meet everyone elses expectations and standards.

My painting and drawing teacher (the nice one, not the rude one) would encourage my love and skill for cartooning, charcoal and shading. My digital art teacher (the one who ended up being so rude to me in the following year), helped me realize my strengths in photoshop and with a tablet. He did praise me a few times, which did help, but it didnt last very long.

My downfall was the art class that I took in 10th grade, with my previous digital art teacher, which was "figure drawing." Basically, it was learning how to draw anatomy and being anatomically correct which I found out very early on, was not my strength....and it was the whole focus of the class for the entire year so I was screwed. My strengths were cartooning and caricatures, not anywhere near anything anatomically correct. I kean, I could draw a skeleton, but when it came to human figures and poses....I dont know why but I had a tough time. So that was the year that things really went downhill fast.

It just took the fun out of drawing and turned it into something that felt too forced.

However, in my experience with this class I learned something about myself that Im actually glad that I did...

Its that art is just a hobby for me. I learned that I hate drawing on demand, in a certain time frame, and drawing what someone else wants me to draw.

I want to draw only on my own terms and at my own pace.

I couldnt see that about myself because I was too concerned with everyone else and their skills in drawing.

A few years after I quit the art program, I really didnt draw all that much aside from little doodles and unfinished sketches on the edges of my homework and class notes. I didnt like anything that I drew anymore.

And when you lose love, drive and interest in something you were once so passionate about....it leaves a gaping hole in you. It makes you feel pointless, like there nothing special about you. Nothing that sets you apart from everyone else. It really is as depressing as it sounds.

I was lost.

However. I FELT FREE. I didnt have a constant reminder from several different people that I wasnt as good. No one to make me feel lesser than someone else. No one to put me down.

As a result, my academic grades improved back to As and Bs (excluding math in the 11th grade, I had like a D).

---

And I realize now that maybe I didnt learn all of this the hard way for no reason. Maybe its to also help someone so they dont have to learn the hard way like I did. Or maybe, its to reach out to those have experienced the same or similar things as me so that they dont feel alone. So that they know that them and their skills are still very much valuable and valid.

Because everyone goes at their own pace, no two people are ever the same.

Anyone can be good at anything.

Now I didnt want this post to discourage anyone from taking or considering an art class. Please understand that my experiences are unique to myself. Art classes are actually very helpful as long as your surrounded by positive and encouraging influences.

Just remember to be careful. Respect yourself and your abilities. Be patient with yourself. Have faith in yourself, dont give up. And last, but not least, know your worth and what you deserve when it comes to treatment.

---

Anyways, so up until a couple of years ago, I slowly started to get back into drawing.

I do love to draw, along with architecture and interior/ fashion design.

Im working to rediscover myself, even though I dont want to do it professionally...

So as I did years ago, I will challenge my self doubt again and try to put myself back out there.

So as anxietal as I am, I want to ask...

Would anyone be interested in seeing something I drew?

Might be an odd question and it might sound attention seeking but Im really just testing the waters....

I will add one little doodle I did the other day just to see....

I know its not that great and thats its nothing amazing but....its something Im proud of...however small it may be.

Im not sure how I feel when it comes to reposting...

I feel like I dont want people to repost it...

In case I ever feel like taking it down...

Idk.

Anyways....Im literally shaking Im so nervous...

But...Im trying to repair some old damage.

Have a miraculous day and thank you for your patience.

Again, please dont repost. At least until Im a little more comfortable.

Thank you

[rqs902]

.

LOL MTY AS MA ZHENNAN IM CRYING HAHAHHAHAHA the rap with the hat covering his face and the running around im ded. i appreciate da xi and rainbow’s silliness too but i think mty was just so extra and was so out of his normal sleepy looking state LOL

im just laughing at how much tyler is laughing at everything LOL

aw just seeing tyler’s outfit makes me think that yingge and ruiyang have had a big influence on him haha yingge really looking out for him like an older brother by arranging to have cake to celebrate tyler’s birthday 

L O L liao juntao is comforting szb by telling him to not mind the haters bc he shouldnt care about them, he doesnt even know who they are. and then the next second being like “你就說你愛不愛你哥哥” and being like “HE NEVER SAYS ITTTTT” SMH HAHHAHAHA hes the dorkiest older bro that you can rely on to give you encouragement when you’re down but also will no doubt embarrass you beyond belief in public 

hm :\ i see they tried to address the zhang yang issue concisely. i mean, i guess its better than them completely ignoring the fact that there was an issue. but it seems like they painted it as zhang yang having anger / emotional control issues and they were about to force him to leave but xiao zhi and yang runze begged them and zhang yang felt regret and sad so they let him stay. and he has since started to open up about his feelings more. this feels like such a sterilized retelling of what happened, i still dont really feel like we can actually understand what happened. but from xiao zhi, yrz, and zhang yang’s weibo posts they all insist that theyre being treated well by the show and not to worry, bc zhang yang’s got his feelings sorted out soooo idk but i wouldnt be surprised if that was something they had to do to get tencent to let zhang yang stay on the show tho

surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly considering his younger age and personality, yrz’s post is the most direct and he basically just simplified it down to them having worked hard on their composition but the tencent crew told them to change it and zhang yang got frustrated and angry. it got recorded and leaked and blown up so much that zhang yang felt really bad about it afterwards. 

we’ll probably never really understand everything that happened, but i guess all we can do is be grateful that tencent forgave him (bc he probs does not want a career of being blacklisted by tencent... seems like career suicide) even if there was or was not fault on both sides. im really hoping he feels alright. especially bc their group is doing so well on the show, its a good opportunity for them to gain more fans. 

it is so hard to keep track of these kids’ demographic info bc its not on the show’s wikipedia page or anything so i struggle to keep track without a collated place to look up info, but if i remember correctly i believe yrz is like 18? zhang yang was born in like 97? and xiao zhi 95? (could be wrong) but if that’s true, xiao zhi is like 25..... can we talk about this real quick? bc it must be a lot for someone like yrz being 18 to be going through all this, but it also must be real difficult for xiao zhi, can you imagine? trying to be the oldest bro, trying to keep them together, comforting and encouraging, responsible and depended on, and can you imagine the amount of 包容 he must have? and the fact that he didnt even want to be with zhang yang at first but has grown to appreciate him so much and the fact that hes the least popular one out of their trio, but is also the one keeping their whole team grounded? wild. i mean all that considered, i think im starting to be a xiao zhi fan. and a big part of it is the way he performs on stage, so free and with such enjoyment, but honestly this whole thing is a part of it too. 

lol xu yang telling xiao huang straight up “are you really happy? you said you dont get much screentime and now you’ve been separated from xiao li” -- BIG OOF. too real. omg that directness just hits you like a ton of bricks. rip

man i wish xiao huang and xiao li could reunite but also xiao li getting zero screentime when they flash to hyt’s group right after? sad. 

o i heard about yyg leaving the show but i didnt realize it was because he has an injury o gosh i hope he’s okay...... i thought he would’ve left bc he wanted to, but this feels more like hes being forced to, like he has no choice and he didnt actually want to leave his friends :( i was in disbelief that he’d just leave his friends, so i guess this makes sense, its just more sad. 

tbh watching the elims so far, i only cried when yyg was talking about how he couldn’t feel his legs but he still didnt want to leave his friends behind. even when the kids who are leaving were announced, it didnt leave as big of an impact, but maybe its because of the way they announce them all at once. the reshuffling... i feel like its true that things havent been easy for qiang ge, but i also feel like he mightve said he wanted to reshuffle bc it would make jym look less like the bad guy if two of them brought it up instead of jym alone. i guess it kinda makes zk look sad as a result though. 

for one thing, these kids are pretty lucky at least the show doesnt force them to be or stay together. the judges made a suggestion and they were allowed to say no. 

i feel like hyt is just picking kids based on their personalities and i cant say thats a bad thing, but it is interesting that everyone else on his team is gonna sing besides himself then lol 

ljt’s team picking jym? i feel like theyll have a lot of emotions, but maybe if they all respect ljt enough itll work out 

i can see xy being with wx’s team. xiao zhi saying wsh isnt his first choice but he’ll do it for his team to be happy, im a bit concerned, esp bc tbh wsh isnt gonna help them get more votes but i guess theyre not thinking about that. xiao zhi was the only one who didnt even walk over to get wsh, even tho he was the only one that was supposed to, as f-man. we’ll see how this goes... but again he didnt want to pick zhang yang at first and apparently thats worked out well so 

hmm qiang ge’s hesitation being labeled as a sign of lack of confidence, well hes been unconfident that people want his instrument for this whole show, but now he’s also scared that he’s going to be forcing people together against their will. the whole thing between wjy and muji... literally wjy tries to appear like he doesnt care, but muji obviously cares a lot. and the fact that they literally asked muji in front of wjy if he’d be ok with working with wjy, of course muji’s gonna say its fine bc what kind of terrible person would he be if he said no to wjy’s face? ugh obviously theres something going on but qiang ge seems like hes optimistic that he can be the go-between and fix whatever there is, but thats a lot to ask for from a child his age. and then mty also? qiang ge wiping his tears for him was touching but also telling of their relationship dynamic. qiang ge is really signing up for a lot... seems a bit idealistic, but hes popular so hopefully he’ll be okay. LOL wjy awkwardly asking muji if he’ll be okay and muji saying it will and qiang ge running to get in between them. oh man. we didnt get to see it that much but if i remember correctly, wjy just tries to do too much and muji is like no stop and then struggles to get wjy to listen. 

oh rip i feel like the kids who were leftover were some of my favorite kids.......... like da xi and rainbow and even ruiyang and tyler and samhar, i was looking out for them :( im just amazed they eliminated people who have made such a unique stylistic impact on the show. but i guess they werent popular enough. also sad that yyg probably feels guilty that his leaving meant his teammates got eliminated but they also feel guilty that he stayed behind for as long as he did even though he was suffering. 

hm not gonna lie this ep was not as emotional as the snzm elims for me, and i do feel like its prob in part bc im still more invested in snzm and the kids there, but also in part just the way the elims were structured, its not as big of an emotional impact for me. announcing the kids who got eliminated at first all at once, and then the rest are just the rest left behind after the kids choose teams again. its a bit rough bc you know they have to take the instruments into consideration too, not just friendships, which i think made the saving segment of snzm so emotional. it was raw friendship and they struggled so hard to choose, and it was framed as “saving” versus here its just reshuffling. it doesnt hit you as hard that those who dont get chosen are leaving until they start walking away. its interestingly different. its discouraging that kids i liked a lot were eliminated, but theres still a few left that i care about so ill keep watching for now...

[akira-seijuro]

1/3 Last brain pill

I should have been something else. I could have made more days less painful for everyone. I love my family, friends more than I love myself. I can't do it. I can't love myself enough to let them go.

On 27th April, 2020, one of the anti depressants that I have been taking for over an year, is over. My doc, reduced the dosage and I think I'm finally done with it and I was so damn fucking happy. I think, for the first time in my entire life, including my childhood, I don't see myself as a victim anymore. Victim of being bullied, unfriended, heartbreak, academics and most importantly my friends and family.

This lockdown is like shit worst. I can't even imagine people being alone and trying to take care or themselves. It's nightmare. I can't even imagine myself in my pg or my hostel room anymore. I mean, sure I could have survived like I did all those years, but that chronic self care obsession would just make me let go of myself. On May 31st 2020, I'll be officially completing one year of my medication and June 2nd would be my father's first death anniversary and July 15th would be the time I probably saw my friend, for the last time, who totally instilled hope in me. I'd probably never see him again.

I could have been better. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if it was my best thinking now. I could have been more patient, a better daughter. I could have been more honest, a better friend. I could have been more kind to myself. I lived in fear for so long, I don't care about my last minute anymore. I don't am have any regrets. I tried my best. I don't like when people say 'Poor you, take care of your mum. You had to go through so much at a very young age. Everybody goes through this. Everybody dies sometime. I get it, I understand your pain.'

I think what I wanted was 'It's alright. I believe in you. We'll be ok. We will go through this shit together and finally make peace with it someday.' I did have my best friend saying that to me until January 2nd, 8.30pm. Now I don't know where he is. How he is doing. I wanted to escape my life so badly, I wanted to run away from my bitterness. But it was all inside of me. I didn't want my dad's death another thing for people to say sorry for. It means something for me. Sometimes he means everything to me. Every little piece of my existence belongs to my parents. I love them very much that I can't be this girl who went through her childhood without almost making a single friend. But yeah, teenage is shit. I changed. A lot. I became more open, accepting, strong and brave. I was never afraid to tell the truth, I used to postpone but I know I would do it anyway, I would do what feels right to me. C'mon I proposed 2 guys. It was real. The love I felt. I think being in love makes you feel that everything is possible, mostly that it deepens the hope that someday you'll be happy. Chill. Both are one sided and failures. I've never been loved or cared that way. I don't think I need to. I mean my friends wholeheartedly love me and would go almost out of their way to do anything that would make me feel better at times. I never looked for a fucking replacement of the man whom I loved the most. No body can be that man who chants my name to feel better while in pain.

Rather than hurting people. I think I scared alot of people away because of my love. I guess it's so intense and feels weird. I don't know. I've started therapy for the first time in my life on October 23rd 2016, because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't wish the person on his birthday because my existence was irksome i guess. I still don't know what it was. But yeah. It continues till April 30th 2016 while I was in college. Every week Thursday at 3pm, a counselling session. I felt more accepted and more cared for with the space I wanted there. But frankly, I started therapy because I just wanted someone to listen to me and just try to not have an opinion good or bad about my pain, but be with me while I was processing it. I went there because I thought they'd not have any choice but to listen because I paid. But it was the best thing I did in my life. My dad's illness came back again. I mean March 2nd 2012 to December 17th 2012 is not enough. I was a lid. I didn't process shit. I just believed in god blindly and performed my duties of packing, buying groceries, boarding public transportation, learning how to ride a scooty without ever having a cycle, waiting outside operation theatre, outside radiation hall, outside chemo sessions, all while preparing for my bard exams and jee mains. I just blocked it out. All the pain and emptiness. It had to come again. Being close friends with dad, his illness pushed me to the edge of depression and I was meds which he manipulated me to stop after reaching home. I would isolate myself and would be blamed for it later. I would feel guilty that the person, my best friend whomi trusted the most left me to hang dry. Actually 2 of them. Then comes the job.

But I came to Bangalore with my cousin. When I entered royal orchid for my job orientation everyone is with someone and I was all alone. Just how I entered my college. All alone from Hyderabad to Surathkal. I opened my door, saw my roommate with her family came out and cried so much for my dad. He called my cousin and then he came to see me. It's new for him as well. So I dont blame. My dad knew what I needed until he knew he was gonna die sometime soon. I suffered, wished it to end. I tried therapy and meds again but I felt its hopeless and I stopped once the side effects were horrible from July 2017. My therapist was wonderful though. I loved her. I felt like she's my friend and I didn't want to go down that lane so I stopped. Then people told me that I'm so pessimistic to think 2018 December 22nd would be my last birthday with dad. You know it's not the worst thing to imagine the worst, sometimes its callous reality. Some doctor said this. You dont know what your people want whether they want to fight on ventilator or not. But it would be nice to get to know them. My stomach turned in may so much that I thought something bad is going to happen to my dad the whole time. Once he was scared and the practical prank he pulled took a toll on me and I colored my hair blue. It became green. I wanted to cut ties with my family and friends. No body was there then, all my friends were on business trips or we had a fight. But I made a new friend who's accepting and weird. Then another new friend with whom I randomly broke out after storming out of a meeting. I guess I started developing feelings for the former one. I didnt want all that shit because I know it's not going to work out or that it won't be reciprocated. So, I didnt want that shit to make my suffering much worse. So I realized everything is so messed up and I needed help. I stuttered and stammered dude while my dad thought he was dying but didnt. I barely remember what words I spoke or repeated. Well, second time when they called, it's true. Anyway on 31st may, with all the complications I decided I might need meds because even my body is going out of control now. Then on 1st I get that call and had to dye my hair back to brown and go see him there. This time no words came out of my mouth, it's like I forgot all the languages and how to form sentences. I couldn't promise him that I'll come out of depression, so I said I'd try in my head which obviously didnt come out because, well, like I said my body wasnt under my control. Then the only thing I wanted him to know about my life is Ayushman, lets call my first love that. I dont want to name. That I love Ayushman so much but he doesn't and its ok. I called to tell him about my new friends Bhavana and Bennington, let's call second guy that. But instead it all turned out something. But once after all that agony injecting rituals and processes, I came back and the only person o wanted to see and talk was Bennington. Then I realised what I was feeling and I accepted it and felt good that while grieving, I was able to love and not feel guilty about it. True, I tried very hard, wanted to cross oceans for him. I wanted to be there for him. But then I didn't want to force it. I don't know what the fuck I did anyway. Then a lot happened, prathista entered my life and I was loved and accepted and I could feel people wanting good for me. And that's all I needed. Besides the belief thing. Some more fights with my best friend sneha, with whom I got matching tattoos.

Then my best friend, lets call him sunshine had to like go out of the world to save love. I was alone. I was a workaholic. Knowing that someone loved me gave me immense energy to work harder, to do more good. But then Voila, my mom and cancer again. God. I didnt feel that someone is inflicting pain or that I'm a victim. I felt that these things happen and its life. It's bad but it's how it went in my life. I have no control over what happens to her. Whenever I assist her or do some stuff, I keep correlating with my dad's time with cancer. It gets so confusing. Idk. I love my mum too. I grieve. I cry. For both mum, dad. Sometimes for sunshine and Bennington. But I think it's ok. It's not something to feel bad or sorry for. It's a part of my life. I am glad I was able to back to my friendships. Gowtami, Chandu, Bokade are like pillars of support for me. I realised being kind is a way to deal with the crisis. I liked the way I lived for the first time. But I'd do anything for the people I love. I'm not going to force it. I wish them all good. People keep saying I'm strong and brave explicitly. No, I was always them. They are implicit things. Thats my character. Being able to be strong, brave, vulnerable, real honest, intense and sometimes messy. Anyway 2 more brain pills to go and still more therapy sessions. They will end when they should. I am glad that this is something that I did for myself. It's my effort despite all the discouragements I've faced about it. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm so glad it has a name. I miss my dad very much right now. My mom's chicken curry too. I miss my friends.

Love,

B.

[tayegi]

I feel like all those misogyny anons are young girls or if not they shouldn't even blame everything on the OC????? Literally. All. Of. Them. Are. Doing . The. Same. Thing. It's a whole messy relationship. Don't blame one character when the others are doing the exact same shit!!!!

All the beautiful messages I received are under the cut ^^

But I just really REALLY wanted to thank everyone for sending me such wonderful asks. Right when I was about to lose faith in humanity, you guys came out of nowhere to restore my faith. I really REALLY appreciate it. I was srsly even considering deleting Equilibrium because I refuse to let this disgusting misogyny spread, but now I realize those misogynists are thankfully just the vocal minority. 

I really REALLY appreciate this, guys. You always know what to say to make me feel better when I’m at the cusp of giving up. I LOVE YOU

Anonymous said:BRUUHHHH shit just got real in equilibrium. Seeing the development of the story, I knew it was gonna come crashing down soon but damn. This story is so interesting and I really enjoy reading stories with very flawed characters. JK was really pissing me off like he's so damn controlling and it's amazing how people don't see equal fault in all three of them and point fingers at the girl???? Like wtf what story are y'all reading cause last time I checked they were all using each other lmao

Anonymous said:wtf??? how is oc manipulative and a bitch??? can't they that jk is the bitch here?? like he's so selfish and conniving and omg I'm just so angry after that update. not at you because damn girl you can write but like ahhh why wont he just let her touch jm like I just wanna Hug her tbh. I hope she finds the right man. u go girl!!Anonymous said:Omg I come back to this nonsense? I hope you don't let this affect you too much. I don't get why women are always blamed. If anything as I was reading I felt bad for the OC the most honestly. Shes insecure because she got bullied when she was younger and then this angel Jimin comes and he's nice to her and she gets attached. Jungkook takes advantage of the situation so it works out in his favor. For 6 months he was the only one who knew what was really going on.

Anonymous said:Wow I was so surprised to see that people were angry with the OC She is so pitiful and desperate Plus Jungkook's actions are so sick he knows she doesn't love him but he knows she won't leave him because of Jimin so even in this situation he is still using Jimin to manipulate the OC They are all so fucked up

Anonymous said:Really hope all the shitty misogyny doesn't put you off after how hard you've worked! please remember theres shitloads of us who really do appreciate your work and as much as people don't openly voice it, we're still all here in the background, internally voicing our opposition to the minority that obviously don't see the wealth in your work x so fuck them and do your shit because you want to! it's annoying that some aren't understanding it in the way they should but just know the rest of us dox

Anonymous said:I think the problem is not that the OC is women. The problem is that the readers are narrow-minded fans that blindly favor there idols.. U kno, when the bias also clearly did smth wrong but they only blame the other side... Tsk tsk. But the thing that I'm worried is that the story probably won't have an happy ending :c I know it's not ok but I want to OC has a new start with Jungkook (I am sorry Jimin!) or she would be sick of this relationship& too hurt& move out and be a roommate with Tae

Anonymous said:Hey, please don't regret the story cause of some of these mysogynistic idiots. I mean ofc if it makes you uncomfortable to write it then do whats best for you. But i love this story because of the complex nature of this messed up relationship, and your amazing writing. I love how you present selfishness in all three of them. The good and bad in them. You write in shades of grey instead of black and white and its truly amazing. Anyway i hope i didnt say something wrong i just love your work.

Anonymous said:Thank you for standing up in what you believe in. It's one thing for males to be misogynists (which is still HORRIBLY WRONG, fuck them) but for females to behave like one too? It's just disappointing. Us women get enough shit everyday as it is. We should be empowering each other instead of looking at each other as threats BLEEGH! Anyway I loved the latest chapter of equilibrium and pretty much everything you've written.... 🤗

aloneandlovingit said:I appreciate you so much for always calling out these misogynistic people for their shit. Whenever something goes wrong in a relationship it's always the woman who is blamed and the man is made to be a victim even if they're both in the wrong. The worst part is that these anons are probably young girls who were brought up to think this way and this just perpetuates the culture of women being against women and it needs to stop! Anyway I loved the new chapter as always and I love you 😘

Anonymous said:Why and how are people talking shit about the oc???? Wtf.. Equilibrium's so well thought and well structured, people in love do stupid shit, get over it. Jk is being fucking selfish and emotionally using them both, and if people wanna blame someone, blame the right guy. I really rope that the oc get out of this mess, cause girl u don't deserve all this bull shit. and fuck all this misogynist people +

Anonymous said:I'm so shook. I'm leaving this ask to let you know that the majority of the female population all over the world is still NOT on the mysogynous side! Girls, read carefully before you speak! Lu has written everything not only beautifully/intriguingly but also in a crystal clear manner (come on, you don't actually need to interpret things, make a list of who's done what and you'll see that each character is just as manipulative and opportunistic as the other)! Cheers Lu, this is a masterpiece.

Anonymous said:I can't believe people are saying the OC is a bitch?? what about jungkook who proposed this relationship for "fun" and had motives??? and jimin who only likes jungkook and shuts the OC out??? i've been wanting to rip jimin's throat out since he entered the fic

Anonymous said:I could be missing something, but I don't understand the outrage towards the OC when she is just desperate to hold on to the first person who treated her like a real person. That is why I think she is 'attached' to Jimin. The same goes for Jungkook being 'in love' with the OC since she is the first person to ask him a 'meaningful' question that wasn't superficial (coffee shop convo). My heart hurts for the OC because she has to fight so hard for Jimin's attention when she deserves better.

Anonymous said:I seriously can't see how these people are so blind. It was obvious that they were all using each other before and in the latest update Jungkook basically said he never cared about Jimin. How did they miss that? And Jimin rejected the OC until Jungkook proposed they all date. Wow. P.S. I had a feeling Jungkook would be the first one to break. Love your writing and don't let these people ruin Equilibrium for you.

Anonymous said:I almost feel bad for the anons who feel the need to antagonize the OC so much... But it actually fucking hurts. To think that every time that both men and women are in the wrong the woman is the one punished 110% of the time... Ugh I'm so sorry that this had to open our eyes to all the brainwashed idiots out there still perpetuating such hard-lined misogyny. But keep in mind that there are still lots of people who don't stand for this shit and never will, stay strong and love you!!!! 💖💖💖

Anonymous said:Equilibrium is one of my favs and it so upsetting to see people turn the story into something else because they are too blind to see their precious oppas do anything wrong.

Anonymous said:Are people serious? Its so obvious that jungkook and jimin are doing the exact same thing as the oc. Jungkook is only in the relationship for the oc. Jimin is only in it for jungkook. How can you blame the oc for being manipulative but not fault them

Anonymous said:but notice how no one is going "aw poor jimin jungkook tried to abandon him thank god the oc is caring and didn't run away with him" 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 ppl are unbelievable. I'm so sorry this is the reaction ch 10 is receiving lu. pls don't let it discourage you. use your voice and the fact that a lot of ppl read the fic to EDUCATE AND TEACH YOUNG WOMEN. stopping now won't accomplish anything. I think you have enough influence with your writing to get something across to these young women and help them

Anonymous said:I want to tell you that equilibrium is honestly so beautiful & your writing is really amazing. I've only recently discovered you but I am upset I didn't find you before! As for the main character & the boys: HELLO THEY ALL PLAYED EACH OTHER FOR THEIR OWN REASONS!!!! Like why is everyone mad at the OC when each character was in the relationship just to be with the one they liked? Anyways the last part with Jungkook & the OC in the hallway is so nicely written! I hope you have a nice day! 💙😄

Anonymous said:I can't believe the amount of ppl mad at the oc rn when jungkook was literally doing the same thing??? so was jimin???? they were ALL playing each other, dont ppl understand that?! that's the whole point of this fic, y/n is in love with jimin, jimin is in love with jungkook, jungkook is in love with y/n. It's all just one big love triangle and they're all lying to each other by being in this relationship. I'm sorry ppl aren't getting that, but pls don't let that discourage you from writing it :(

Anonymous said:*reads the asks saying rude things about the Equilibrium OC* :/ *sighs* Why are people only focusing on the OC??? Jungkook is just as bad, and really no one wants to be with everyone in that relationship. :/ The OC wants Jimin, Jimin wants Jungkook, Jungkook wants to OC. Putting all the blame on the OC is just stupid. :/ I'm sorry you're having to deal with those anons. I wasn't around for what you were saying about In Bloom, but I can see how similar stuff to this would put you off of it. :/

Anonymous said:reads other anon messages - sighs - guys... look below the surface before you immediately judge the narrator. JK doesn't deserve sympathy--he's using Jimin to get to Y/N, Jimin is using Y/N to get to JK, and Y/N is using JK to get to Jimin. No one's innocent of this. In addition, the way he just roped Y/N into giving him exclusivity wasn't exactly fair or unproblematic... So they're all guilty, and the drama's so gooooodddd

Anonymous said:Thank you for the update. I haven't read it yet but in really excited about it!!! I'm really sorry about all of these random rude misogynist ppl who just came out of the blue tho.

[jess-oh]

reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine. 

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine. 

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that. 

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that. 

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too. 

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

[musicalsushi]

2019

It’s New Year’s Day.

The day where we all decide to look, do, and be better.

The gym is packed.

100 new people decided to move to Nashville and pursue their dreams.

Starbucks is full of people finally beginning that novel.

Yesterday we all posted a synopsis of 2018. We uploaded highlight photos of our year. Maybe your year wasn’t so hot. Your last post of 2018 was a less graceful way of saying, you’re freakin ready for 2019. Regardless, we took a moment to sum up 2018 and write what we hope for in 2019.

I quickly wrote a synopsis of my year last night. It wasn’t difficult to pin point the high points. I did a lot last year. But I quickly wrote it, to leap straight towards the next. Today I lazed out of bed thinking of the things I could have accomplished already, if I’d woke up sooner. Later I read a blog post from about 5 years ago. I couldn’t believe how far I’d come. I cried while I read it. I cried for not giving myself the time I should have given myself last night.

I’ve realized a resolution for this year I needed to make.

Allow myself the time to feel proud of me.

When you become too go-go-go in your head, your body doesn’t feel like it’s capable of your expectations. You wind up stagnant instead. The need to succeed overpowers the reasons why you want to do what you’re aiming for in the first place.

I’ve recently taken up rock climbing. Rock climbing is teaching me a lot.

It’s also making my arms hella swoll, but that’s a different bonus.

There is an indoor climbing place I love, where the walls are 60 feet high. I recently went and decided to climb a route I did not fathom finishing. For being such an innocent color pink, It was a much higher level than I’ve done and it was surely daunting...I went for it anyway.

I got to a point I was sure I couldn’t get passed. After countless attempts and falls, I climbed higher. Rather than feeling discouraged by how many tries it took, I felt disbelief and pride I’d actually done it. Then I looked up. There was still so much to climb and it looked more difficult than anything I’d yet done.

I did something in that moment I don’t do nearly enough in life. In fact, you hear often not to do this. I looked down. I looked down and I saw something much different. I saw how far I had already come. I couldn’t believe what I’d been able to climb. The feeling of letting myself be surprised, humbled and proud of my strength, is what motivated me to keep going.

I went a little higher. I fell a few more times. I questioned my ability to get to the top. It made no sense in my mind I could finish, yet it also felt so feasible. I knew I could do it because I’d already climbed passed parts I was so sure I couldn’t climb.

Wanna guess how this story ends? I made it.

I didn’t really know it then, but I know now why I made it to the top. Part of it was my strength. Part of it was my climbing strategy. Part of it was my determination. Part of it were the moments I gave myself to feel proud of how far I’d come, even before I’d reached the top.

Maybe 2018 felt like a year where all you did was fall and you’re no where near the top.

While I was climbing that route, I felt so proud I was able to climb at all, if I’d made it only 1/4 of the way I would have fallen down with a smile.

Maybe 2018 was extra hard on you. Maybe you feel like you couldn’t catch a break no matter how much you went for it. Maybe you feel like you wasted time feeling beaten down. Take a moment and breathe. Listen as the air fills your lungs. Let out a smile as you finish exhaling it out. You may not feel like it, but you climbed higher last year. You made it through. You kept going. Don’t let life beat you down to the point you feel you haven’t accomplished a thing. Take a moment to feel proud of where you are, even if it’s not where you wanted to be. Because even in the realization and decision to step towards whatever that looks like for you, there is a moment to feel proud.

My mom always has said, “Go forth,” and for some reason I always take it upon myself to let it affect me negatively. It’s because I put so much pressure on the doing I’d rather not do anything. This year I’m going to feel encouraged and inspired whenever I hear those words. I know as I’m climbing up, even when I fall, as long as I keep trying my muscles are getting stronger. Eventually I’ll be hitting that top rock, then I’ll let out a big grin as I make my way to the next, and more difficult climb.

[erickgfsx634-blog]

The Most Hilarious Complaints We've Heard About Fat Decimator System

Why does shedding bodyweight have to be so stressful? Why could it be so challenging?

There are many elements. It could be presumptuous to express that shedding pounds was simple. It undoubtedly isnt! A person who has to shed then pounds finds it just a hard and disheartening as the one that has to lose about 100 lbs. Even though the amount of lbs show up as fat decimator reviews a vast distinction between the ten-pound loser as well as hundred-pound loser, the truth is identical frustrations are professional.

I suggest that we understand the two main influences We now have to discover to discern if we want to reach our body weight-loss ambitions.

To me, the two big influences are the outward influences plus the inward influences. An outward impact is anything at all out inside the touchable, 3-dimensional authentic earth like foods, scales, mirrors, men and women, apparel, and so forth. The inward influences are things that go on within your heart, your dreams, your thoughts, and finally your steps. The two outward and inward influences Engage in their particular roles in shedding pounds. The real key is always to find out how to pay for additional interest to The great inward affect that can help you get rid of body weight.

A Beginner's Guide To Fat Decimator System

Down below are some outward influences And just how they influence your weigh-decline progress:

The scale: reinforces your accomplishment or failure each and every time you stage on it. Reduce numbers on the scale suggest youve dropped some excess weight, but under no circumstances plenty of Based on your anticipations. Higher quantities on the size indicate you must have performed a little something Incorrect. It doesnt account for water-weight, bloat/swelling, muscle mass mass, and many others.

The mirror: serves as our critique meter, or something which displays how the world views us, consequently, we must look at ourselves that way as well.

The refrigerator and cupboards: reminders in the NO ZONES within our homes.

People: if they know you will be shedding excess weight, they need a report with your progress.

Physical physique fatigue: dietary alterations, workout, or worrying sets in and also you turn out to be irritable or unfortunate sometimes.

The Most Innovative Things Happening With Fat Decimator System

Meals: new taking in practices and more healthy snack foods interfere with what youve previously called ordinary, and The brand new routines are tough to include.

Calendars: timeframes youve set to achieve your excess weight-decline goals is nearing its end, and you simply are frightened that youll be described as a failure all over again.

Menus: correct foodstuff variety looks like a CHORE, and consuming just isnt pleasurable any more simply because you know the caloric depend, grams of sugar, grams of protein, and grams of Extra fat of every little thing you put into your mouth.

Garments: when you lose the lbs, apparel starts to sag on you a little, which could make you appear even worse. Having to invest income on new garments is usually depressing if its not Component of a existing price range. Specialists: they have all sorts of recommendations on losing body weight, and they cant wait for you to listen to them. This higher than list could go on and on based upon how deeply you required to investigate this problem. But as you'll be able to see from this shortened version, all of the surface influences make us come to feel the stresses of shedding body weight.

The inward influences I want to deal with are All those influences that some would label as self-communicate, or instead self-affirmations that either convey to us were all right or not all right on earth as we realize it. Its that inner voice that all of us have that directs us to thinning, then inevitably directs us to act In keeping with our considering. Actions start with ideas, and ideas begin with dreams. And needs begin with what we would https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7otwaGL8y0&list=PL1C491EjQOiyYh1bLEBcKtC2t-v9ko09w like deep inside of our heart. Seems intricate and poetic, I acknowledge; but it is so worthy of the hassle to just take a while and decide how you can also make your heart talk its desires, which will prompt the thoughts, that will then produce steps.

The inward influences are Functioning very well for yourself Until finally you step on the scale or glimpse within the mirror. Then what happens? Youve permitted the outward influences to watch your development, along with the outward influences need to override all those beneficial inward influences. You start to mock all your labor youre undertaking, uncover disappointments, discover shortcomings, and usually debase any accomplishments you obtained. Youll try this for a person pound lost or for 1 hundred lbs shed. Why? Mainly because youre enabling the outward influences to get over the inward influences.

10 No-fuss Ways To Figuring Out Your Fat Decimator System

How would you make the inward influences rank bigger as opposed to outward influences? This can be the trick Function AT IT and don't forget its TWO To at least one! When you hear the devil on your shoulder (the outward influences) toss all around insults, uncertainties, and damaging remarks, change your head to your angel on your own shoulder (the inward influences) that lets you know that you're accomplishing fabulous, youre generating progress, youve labored so difficult, youre improving upon every day, and youre likely to really make it.

For each and every adverse comment, strike back again with two positive feedback. In case you try this, youll constantly remain one action in advance from the destructive, which just may very well be sufficient to help keep you going ahead toward the prize. The moment you DONT strike back, the outward influences gain one-up on you, then two-up, then shortly develop into 10-up just like a board recreation as well as your recreation piece is slipping behind within the squares. In case you end up as well significantly behind to the squares, you will become extra discouraged and after that quit the game all collectively. Just like a kid who suggests, properly, I certain cant gain now, leaves the sport and pouts on his way household.

The outward influences has to be part of the process, regrettably. This is actually the monitoring, our measuring adhere that proves we're accomplishing the appropriate points.

The human body doesnt fully grasp this in any respect. Your body is a grand equipment that is consistently busy with checks and balances, ensuring that al units are GO, that all functions are performing to their greatest abilities. It doesnt have time for thoughts. It only does its purposeful responsibilities accordingly. So You can't rely on the body to be aware of any inward influences or outward influences which include Ive talked about. It's only worried about entire body capabilities and getting items completed.

So operate Quite difficult at having to pay additional awareness for the inward influences. But bear in mind It's important to set the inward influences in there before you decide to can actually utilize them. Like Placing gas in the car to really make it go, you will need to put The great inward influences in to generate them accessible when you have to get in touch with on them. Here are some wonderful inward influences or angel tones you are able to place into your brain now that will help you accomplish:

I'm accomplishing Very well, thinking of this isnt effortless!

I'm making development!

I havent misplaced still, but I havent received both!

I however want to get rid of XX lbs, but seem what Ive finished so far!

I didnt take in a person terrible snack these days!

I acquired in all of my fluids now!

I even now might get my fluids in these days prior to bedtime!

I received all of my protein in these days!

I am able to squeeze a lot more protein in nowadays if I check out!

I like The point that Its acquiring simpler to wander up the stairs!

I like the fact that I am able to stoop over and choose that up off the ground!

I like The reality that I am able to say NO to that cookie!

This gives you a Start out TODAY to start to set far more inward influences inside of so you can fight the outward influences with additional electric power! Remember that it's essential to do TWO inwards for every 1 outward. Continue to be Forward of the game, so you wont go household a quitter!

[jess-oh]

Reflection

Dear journal,

Hey! I do really want to get better at doing this. I really do.

I am currently at Norris on a Wednesday and I’m glad I got to spend time with Johnathan, P. Josh, Johnny, Daniel Bang, and David today. And Joy stopped by earlier too to say hi! But I must admit that a small part of me feels a bit lonely and hurt. 

P. Josh and David are both going to volleyball today which is great and im happy for them but they didnt invite me but did invite Johnny. Johnny decided not to go but I was kind of hurt they didnt want to invite me. I’m assuming it’s because they end late and it’d be hard for me to get home later. A part of me wanted to say yes and go with them or even ask if i could but I also know that I do have a lot of homework and reading to do. So I decided not to say anything.

I know I have a lot of homework to work on so I purposefully didn’t have a lot of fun today and tried to just focus. I thought everyone else would just want to study too but I guess they wanted a mix of both. Which makes sense. But when I first got here, I studied with Johnathan and eventually once he finished his work, he got up and sat with his other friends and had a gr9 time with them. I just kept studying but I felt kinda bad. Like my company wasn’t good enough. 

And I played smash with P. Josh and Johnny which was fun and I definitely could’ve left sooner after a few games to sit alone on the ground floor again in case someone wanted to come join/study with me. I really want to be here for them. To live life with them. So they know if they need someone to talk to, I’m here. I don’t want them to feel burdened to hangout with me but I just want them to know that I am here and willing to be with them. And just having fun and playing smash...I feel took away from that. Time I could’ve spent being available upstairs was wasted having fun downstairs. And I know it’s important for me to get along well with P. Josh and Johnny too, especially since I’ll be serving with them a lot closer next year but...still. I know I could’ve done better. But I also just didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to ditch company that I already had. I didn’t want to choose to be alone again.

I thought if I just kept this mentality, it would be easy to do this and in some ways it has been. Commuting 1 - 1.5hrs is fine. But I didn’t realize the toll it would emotionally take on me. To feel unwanted. This is definitely something I need to pray about and something I want to continue doing but I do feel a bit discouraged. I’m just gonna keep hoping things get better. God, I trust you. Please just take control because I cannot do this by my own strength. I really can’t. Thank you, God.

I could just choose to go home now but I want to stay to (1) be here in case anyone needs someone to talk to and (2) so I can focus and concentrate and finish my homework! I just associate my apartment with rest now since I’m rarely ever home anyway. But because of that, it’s a lot harder to find the motivation to get any work done. And I do want to be a good student and really try with my philosophy and IP class. Really. 

It’s important to be here and really try and live life with the church but it’s also important to be a good student and diligently engage in my studies! I want to glorify God in any way that I can and that includes this. 

I can never tell if I’m being too hard on myself or not hard enough. Oh well.

I’m really hoping Joyce drops by during her 7-8pm window though I know it’s unlikely. If anyone comes from now to 10pm, I would honestly be really happy. But it seems pretty unlikely at this point. I just want to make the best use of this time and really focus on my homework! I need to read about 20 more pages for my IP class and I’m not sure how many for MBQ. But I also at least want to start researching for my IP thesis as well so that I have something ready and prepared for class tomorrow! 

And then tomorrow, I need to finish my layouts for Website Design II and turn those and help out with the Lunar New Year event after class. Hopefully it isn’t too much! I would prefer not to go to the Lunar New Year event but because I am well and able and I’m a board member, I feel as though I should take responsibility and help do my portion.

I’m really debating on whether or not I should rejoin as a board member next year because I don’t even do that much as a board member, tbh. And with Ally, Mitch, and Wes, I think they’ll be in a good place. I want to focus more on church, especially during my last year. But I’m also worried I’m cutting off my ties with the people at school and investing maybe too much into church. I think having a balance is important and of course, being close with everyone at church is important but I also don’t want to be alone and/or lose my community at school either. It’s tough though bc my school community is so lacking in terms of faith and being Christ-centered. I would much rather spend time with people who can challenge my faith. But I’m also worried I’ll just end up alone. And I don’t know if P. Josh and/or the NU kids could understand that bc they have such a powerful Christian community at their respective schools/ministries. It is discouraging, I think. 

I also keep wanting to address my MAST concerns with P. Josh but I always flake out. I have a whole list ready but I always make up excuses in my head to not bring it up. I’ve just been afraid to speak up or say anything recently. And I kind of hate it. It’s important to listen and stand down but now I’m just afraid. 

I do think it would be important to tell him about this though. Because honestly, it has been getting increasingly harder to keep up with this and do this. But this was conviction I had and commitment I wanted to make. And I do really want to keep up with it as much as I can. But I also don’t know if I’m starting to just do it out of a sense of pride than willingness to actually do this for the Lakeview community. I do genuinely want everything I do and say to come from a place of love and that has been lacking in what I do recently. I admit it. But I do want it to come from that place. I don’t want it to be something I just brag about or take pride in. But I want to very humbly do this for the chance that I may be able to help others. And just trust that God would use me to help them in some way, shape, or form. It might not be in some amazing way and it might only be one person. But regardless, that should be enough for me. And I do want it to be. So God, this is my desperate cry and plea to you. Please just take over. Please create in me a clean and pure heart so that I may wholeheartedly serve with everything that I am for your Kingdom and glory.

Amen.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

whats up journal?!

im just gonna go ahead and write this now bc this is something that i want to get back into doing but i really dont think i’ll have the energy to do it tonight. anyway, hi. how are you, how have you been? some things have come to light recently that i wanted to document and write down so that i dont forget them. 

first off, this past week was HECKA TIC. HECTIC! so busy! so stressed! i havent felt so stressed in a while and i am pretty sure it’s bc i didnt have a solid grip on everything that i could control. a lot of things were out of my hands that i couldnt predict or do anything about. it’s not so much that i was busy but bc of unforeseen events and circumstances, it affected everything else in turn and turned my world right upside down! AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AH!

NEway, yeah. that was tough. but yeah. last night, i had a prayer meeting that started at 11pm and ended around 3am this morning and i.... was surprisingly not exhausted once it ended. a part of me was relieved but another part of me was really glad that i could have the opportunity to pray and read and share life with the people there. they were all strangers and who knows if i’ll ever actually meet any of them in person. but i was glad to be with them nonetheless. i did mess up and make mistakes but ultimately, i did what i was told and got through it okay. i definitely felt like dozing off on more than one occasion but really tried to make an honest attempt to stay awake and pray during the times that I could. I felt like my prayers weren’t good enough at times and felt discouraged when people prayed over the same passage. but theres definitely a learning curve there. and just being able to pray with everyone for so long and aloud in my home, it made me realize just how little time i actually spend with God. Especially this past week. I was busy, yes. But I definitely have time that I could be dedicating to Him that I don’t. I know that I’m worried about the response if I read my Bible at work but who cares? They like me for me anyway and I’ve done it before. What’s the harm in that? And even if I am too afraid to be bold and open about my faith at work, I could still at the very least read on the bus or the train or while I’m waiting for it to come! So often, I jut read comics and webtoons to pass the time and keep myself invested and I am genuinely interested and invested into them but the time that I spend reading and catching up on comics, I could’ve been using to read the Word and spend more time with God all this time. 

I feel the worst in History of Communication Design bc my friends and I act like such mean people and I hate it. I am so much more concerned with fitting in with my friends than I am in actually succeeding and doing well in the class. Who cares if people call me a nerd? At least I actually made the most of my money and got the full worth out of it. No, I don’t particularly like Richard and no, I really didn’t enjoy being with Jilly. But I also don’t think that gives me any right to so openly and outright hate them and only fuel that desire but making memes and making fun of them openly during class. I hate who I am when I’m with them and I wish that I could just stand up for myself and call them out and do better. And be better. But I don’t. Or at least, I haven’t yet. But it’s definitely something that I want to do. God, please give me the strength to do so. To stand up for my beliefs and fight for love instead of giving into the hatred of the world. 

We had our MAST meeting today and it actually went pretty well! I think I’m on pretty good terms with everyone and we were able to laugh and joke around while also learning real and insightful things from the first chapter of Philippians today. I’m glad! I’m a little sad that we didn’t all join together afterwards for lunch but I understand that people already had their own commitments and plans to attend to. I was just glad to spend anytime with them at all and I am excited to continue to grow in our faith with Christ and relationships with each other as the year progresses! 

I was worried things would just be awkward between me and P. Josh when we went to get food but surprisingly, it wasn’t. It normally is but today it wasn’t. We actually had a very deep and meaningful conversation. I felt honest and it was refreshing to share my own story, perspective and thoughts and to listen and process his viewpoint in return. I really don’t think I’m deserving of the encouragement he or anyone else gives me because I don’t think that I’ve done enough to deserve it. But he shared some good wisdom with me and I’m glad to also be growing in our relationship together as well through MAST and Movement. 

Finally, on the same note as earlier, I don’t want to read webtoons anymore until I have a better grip on my spiritual life and actually reading the Bible in moments when I can. I know that it’d be so much easier to pass the time with Webtoons or my shows but what’s the point if God is missing from all of it? I want to really reassess my priorities and take a hard look at my life and focus it around God once more. I’ve always been happiest whenever everything that I did was about God and I hope to get to that place again. This past week served as a huge realization and wake up call for me. On Monday, I thought I was just chillin. I thought my life was totally fine and under control. Through this week. God showed me just how wrong I was. 

Last thing, I think it’s interesting that I act more shy and timid at church than I do at school. Because my friends and co-workers would definitely not think to label me as an introvert, shy, timid, passive, or anything in between. But at church, I guess that is the image that I present of myself and I do wonder why the two versions of me are so different. I know that my sense of humor isn’t always PG and thus, better used at school but I think it goes even further beyond that. I think it’s an underlying issue that has something to do with the hurt that I felt back home with Sa-Rang that I haven’t yet made amends with. But I am hoping to really meditate, process, and reflect on that so that I can serve better in the near future through Movement.

Thank you so much for everything, God.

I really don’t deserve any of it.

I pray this all in your name,

Amen