#because at the end of the day I'm just some paranoid little girl who got abandoned because I was too weird

[iralthegreat]

Why does everything have to be so complicated blughrurjrjsjrn

[tarantulasnot]

Okay fine I'm a stalker

Like bad.

But whatever a girl can dream.

Sub! Leon Kennedy x Fem! Stalker! Reader smut lolzzz

Dark content! Stalking, exhibitionism, voyeurism, elements of stockholm syndrome, Leon doesn't ask for help cause he's Mr. Independent so his brain messes with him, reader does come in, Ada mentioned if you squint your eyes like 9999.99999%, Leon just doesn't know wtf too do with himself, my crk account got lost so now I'm torturing Leon

©©©

He was a trained military officer, he had survived countless injuries and perilous situations both willing and unwillingly. Of course he knew there was someone there, at all times.

He went to the store? There was someone there, watching him as he made his purchases. Were you that interested in what he was eating for dinner?

Even when he was eating it, he felt it from somewhere outside of his dining room window. It inspired him to stand up and close the blinds, however it was too late and his appetite was ruined.

Over time he felt it more and more as that strange presence seemed to adjust to his schedule, one he wasn't fully aware he had. Like how he always took the same roads to go to his part-time job, never taking a single detour. Or how he stopped at the same gas station every day to get one of three drinks, always settling on the same one every Wednesday. This was something he didn't notice until you made him notice.

Then you started hitting a little too close to home. Or rather, in his own home.

Whoever you were, you were good at what you did. He would come home to his dishes washed, or maybe his clothes. With a couple of things missing of course.

He thought about calling the police, but who was he kidding? He was the police. He can't just hit up his co-workers about something a trained military officer can't do. Well, maybe one. But she wasn't all that helpful. So, he started doing his own little investigating.

However, the paranoia was so relentless. He couldn't dress without thinking you were there, watching him, maybe not even through human eyes. Cameras maybe? The man couldn't even eat without throwing up because of the anxiety you caused him. Constantly forcing him to imagine what you were planning.

How could Leon be reduced to this? He was a man of power, of status... and yet here he was quaking in his boots over some person who he could probably kill in one swift kick to the temple.

But you weren't physical, you weren't tangible. You weren't something he could pin down and fight. Were you even real?

You seemed to notice him looking into it, and that omnipresent energy seemed to sputter at the knowledge. Like usual though, you had accustomed yourself to it. He had accustomed himself to it too. Maybe, the reason why the energy seemed to shift was because he simply was being paranoid. Maybe it was the trauma from always having his life threatened, maybe it was just his memory going bad.

Or maybe, there was someone out there.

Maybe you didn't want to hurt him at all.

You never seemed to do any harm, whoever you were. In fact, you seemed almost helpful sometimes. Even though it was odd that something he'd mutter under his breath, barely audible, would somehow come to reality- it was still free in the end.

So why was he being so serious about this? It was probably no big deal. Maybe he just needed to relieve some stress, clear his head a little.

But what would that make him? Normal for wanting a little bit of self care, but what about the fact he's doing it with his window wide open, facing the woods he feels like someone's in?

Maybe it was something in him that liked this, liked the danger, the anonymity of the eyes. Maybe he dreamt about it one time, the pretty girl he found out was stalking him was maybe a little too pretty. Maybe she was an ideal, maybe he wanted those keen eyes watching him.

As he sat on the edge of his bed, facing the open window, he could practically feel the inquisitive nature about you. He could feel your gaze on him.

His member strained against his pants. He had refrained from touching himself, from doing just about anything because of the extreme obsession going on within him. But you weren't so much of a stranger anymore. At this point, you had been in his home, in his life- you were a part of him he'd struggled to accept.

But he was accepting it. Maybe he even craved it.

You were so normal to him, so comforting, like a last resort. He really had no one else. His blue eyes fluttered shut and his face bloomed red as he slid his fingertips over the ache he'd been denying. Already the pressure made him sigh, his long lashes resting against his cheek as he teased himself.

What was he doing? This was just to prove that there was no-one there, there was nothing to be afraid of, but what if there was?

He gasped as he heard something outside, and he accidentally squeezed himself in surprise. He'd be lying though if his dick didn't twitch. Jesus... maybe he wanted something to be there- someone? Someone just to prove he wasn't going crazy, he wasn't just imagining things. Why couldn't he make up his mind? He kept thinking to himself as his other hand lifted up under his shirt to pull it up a little.

You were loving the display. His eyes weren't fixed on you, they were above you to the treeline you were crouching in front of. You weren't even in a bush, you were just sitting on the ground in a very black outfit in a very dark forest. You weren't sure what he was doing when he sat on the edge of his bed like that. You almost debated the fact he might just call out to you. He had been investigating you, in fact you helped him. You gave him a false lead on some random girl who had no clue who he was.

How clever. He thought it was some silly girl with a strange obsession for him, he would never suspect his coworker.

His coworker, that's why your fingerprints were on his things. You'd redirected him so many times. When you'd come over, he'd stare outside to the treeline, where you weren't, but usually would be.

But now, you were right in front of him, with his big hand lifting up the black fabric of his tank top- gasping and subconsciously rutting into his hand. Ever so cautious, as Leon pretends to be when he's all alone.

In the safety of his own home.

You teased him, shifting just once, just to test his reaction. It's the best decision you've ever made because the sweet little gasp he makes as he suddenly grips himself is priceless. You'd record him if the stupid light attached wouldn't give you away.

However, he's right back at it. This time, he's panting, and his thighs are twitching.

Leon swears he means to have some shame, or maybe he's pretending because he can't seem to rip his pants off fast enough. He grabs the lotion beside him and puts it on his hand. God, the slut even puts on a show. Dragging his calloused hands over his thighs before he reaches his aching base and he gives it a light squeeze, bobbing it in the air. Teasing you.

Or what he believes to be that girl from Kansas. "F-fuck..." After having no contact for so long has him laying on his back now. He pumps himself slowly, small strokes to get him fully hard before he starts to speed up a little bit. The cold air blowing through the window reminds him of how exposed he is right now, and the thought makes his fist move faster. His other hand comes up to swipe his thumb over the tip, forcing a huff from himself. God it feels Soo good- so good!

He hopes someone is watching now, or he did all of this for nothing. All this worrying, all these late nights looking around his room, all this whining against his palm as his hips jump into his own fist. his knees rub together as his back arches. His muscles flex as he furiously strokes himself, his eyes rolling back in his head while he tries not to cry.

He's so humiliated, but it turns him on so fucking much. He wants to be seen, noticed. He loves this-

And you know he does, you know he's in his own little world. Because you're leaning against his house now, just under his windowsill as he cries and whines, too conflicted but so overwhelmed with pleasure. He's so overwhelmed in general.

His knees tap against each other as his hand leaves his lips to accompany his other palm on his member, stroking in two different directions. The squelch fills the air as he becomes louder, heaving and groaning furiously as he gives himself what he's been denying for so long. Yet, you tease him one more time. You make yourself openly known for the first time. You knock on the side of his house.

The sound sends a frigid chill down his spine, but it's replaced by a searing hot heat. Someone was watching him pump himself to the thought of a stalker. But he realized he loved it- he loved everything- it slammed him over the edge and his eyes roll back into his skull. The coil in his stomach bursting into a climax with an intensity he's never felt before. "Oh FUCK!! 'm cummingg!!! I'm cummin- f-fuhuhhhck!" He's sobbing as wave after wave of his orgasm slams into him, his hand is squeezing himself and the sheets for some sort of purchase to cope with the way he's practically screaming. "Ohhhh- mnh! FUCK! can't stohp-!" God, he wails like a fucking bitch. His back is arching off the bed and he explodes into his own hand, he's terrified but fuck, fuck, fuck he's cumming, and he's cumming hard. His cock pulses as the ropes of cum spew out like some dumb teenager. Fuck you're right there- you're watching him- he should be hiding, calling someone-

"Please!" He cries, and you know what he wants.

You both know what he wants, even if he doesn't admit it out loud.

So he closes his eyes, and he hears your footsteps. He's covered in his own cum, he's whining and crying- all he's saying is please over and over again, his body twitching with every footstep. Pleading you to leave him alone? To not look? To touch him? Fuck if he knows, he just wants something from you, but his brain's all fucked up from the months of psychological torment.

You're on your knees now, and he's basically hyperventilating. You take his sensitive shaft into your hand, and you lick the underside. The lotion makes your tongue buzz, but you dont care. Lotion is temporary, having a braindead Leon is forever.

LOL IM THE KING OF UNFINISHED FICS!!!

[sessakag]

Now all I can think about is Prey!Papa-Naruto because it would be the wildest funniest thing ever! Poor Hinata is probably trying to make sure her kids grow up to be good morally upstanding people and Naruto is just….Yeah 😬. Funnily enough this Naruto probably wouldn’t have as much of a contentious relationship with Boruto because there’s no way he’s putting work above spending time how he wants 😭. And as a Kawaki hater I’m pleased to say I don’t see this Naruto being altruistic enough to take in some random abused kid so really we’ve got my ideal version of the Uzumaki family 🫢. Anyway, I bet parent-teacher conferences and kiddy playdates and birthday parties are gonna be fun times 🤣. Speaking of bday parties happy early birthday! I hope it’ll be a fun one.

Daddy Prey!Naruto is the funniest thing ever, lol.

For sure, Naruto would spend time with his little mini-me. Who would stop him?

I feel like Boruto would be very aware that his father is a homicidal nutjob and spend his time trying to keep innocents out of harms way, but he does it in ways that are just as bad as his father, because of course, the apple doesn't fall that far from the tree, and that he has this huge blind spot to when his own inner crazy is starting to show, lol. And of course, mess with his mom or baby sister, well then, you'll have a hard time telling Naruto and Boruto apart at all🤭he'd justify his violence and the bodies in his closet because Prey!Narupapa taught him that delusion is just another way to say correct, and there's nothing wrong with customizing your own reality when it's convenient. He'd also spend so much time trying to undo Hima's worst tendencies their dad is teaching her in an effort to help his mom out, but ends up making it worse by teaching her "alternative" tendencies that are just as bad but much more slicker than his father's open bluntness, which ultimately, makes Hinata's job harder, lol. Poor lady, I can see her trying to explain the situation to her crazy husband. Hinata: I'm trying to make sure the kids have a moral compass, Naruto Naruto: The fuck they need that for?

I'll be honest, I really don't know all that much about Kawaki since I don't watch the show, but his design is very cool, and the clips I've seen of him on youtube I vibe with🤭but Naruto being altruistic and adopting a poor orphan? Not fuckin likely at all, lol. Prey!Naruto wouldn't care about any kids but his own🤷🏽‍♀️so you're all set for sure, lol.

Parent-teacher conferences would be lit af😂imagine Naruto's big buff tatted up self sitting in one of those itty bitty chairs at a table lower than his knees while the teacher tries to get him to understand that it's not a good thing that his little girl is drawing her classmates with their heads somewhere other than on their shoulders🤣he would be so insulted and have a very scary diatribe about why Hima's work is "art" not a "red flag". The teacher would resign the next day by the time he was done. Omg birthdays🙈One word: Pinata. Take that as you will, lmao!

And omg, I wanna write Prey!Naruto at a PTA meeting, lmao! And you'd think Hinata was the one that dragged him to it, but NO, he'd go on his own because he's a super paranoid bastard that needs to know what is going on in his orbit and that includes his hellspawns, and if he doesn't like what he hears he'll have to retire a few folks to ensure things are being run for the benefit of his offspring😂

Hima's not doing a kiddy playdate, study date, pretend date, any date. Over somebody else's dead body would Naruto allow his baby girl to do any sorta dating🤣hell naw, and don't @ him about it. End of discussion. Why? Because Naruto knows how guys are, and considering the things he does to Hima's mother on a regular basis, he's dead set on not letting any guy near his daughter until she's at least 80 years old, if she's lucky. Teen!Hima good luck trying to date or get a boyfriend😅especially since big brother's not gonna be too keen on the idea either, lol. And thank you for the early birthday wishes!!💕

I feel like this SOL Prey!Naruto family is set in stone to be a thing at this point, lmao. I'm certainly sold on it. I won't say whether or not I plan on Hinata getting knocked up in Prey, ya'll will have to wait and find out but I definitely think this should be a full SOL fic at this point, lol. It's just too good to pass up🤭

[feuqueerfire]

The Categories of Final Hallucinations

I noticed 2 types of visions that the characters had in the last episode, specifically in regards to Non

Non was front and center and the visions are about him

Phee: He kept continually seeing Non die in different ways, including some which were new and unseen ways. He's grieving Non's death and also feels guilty for what he's said (the "Get lost and die"). Phee was also the only person who understood that these were visions and Non wasn't real. Even in the 2 years later part (which may or may not be real - tbh I'm thinking of it as a continuation of the hallucinations in the courtyard), Phee sees Non walking into the water.

Tee: Non asks Tee to kill him with a knife on the rooftop because he’s so trapped while working for Tee’s uncle. Tee has been feeling guilty about his actions bringing Non into this world and ultimately being unable to get him out of the mess, so this manifests as a horrific way to help Non, though of course he ends up stabbing White in reality :’(

Tan: Non thanks him, then hangs himself, then thanks him again. Tan just wanted to be a good brother and in these hallucinations, after he has avenged Non, he finally is. His last vision is Non thanking him and walking into the light.

Non may or may not be there but it's mostly about their own situations/consequences/fears rather than Non

Fluke: Non is hardly there except at the end, Fluke's mostly being chased by a cop because he's deathly afraid of ruining his reputation and not getting to become a doctor. Aside: I loved that Fluke gouged his own eyes out, the eyes with which he was constantly witnessing the misbehavior against Non (Top breaking the camera, Jin taking the video) but keeping silent about

Top: He was just being chased by Non through the woods, very little depth because we hardly knew anything about him

White: he never knew Non and so his visions are about his relationship with Tee instead

Jin: I don't think Non even appeared in this but I'd have to double check. It was mostly about what if what Jin did to Non happened to Jin himself with him seeing people taking videos of him in compromising situations, including with Keng

For me, Tee's was the most shocking and horrifying because I was expecting death for Tee (especially after episode 11) but there was the vibe that maybe White is the final girl who will survive. Instead, my mouth fell open as soon as I realized what they were hinting at and I lost my mind as the sequence went on. One of the most unpredictable aspects of this whole show for me and it really is tearing me up, esp after ep 11.

Tan's and Phee's are the most tragic. I didn't cry at all during this show but for a second there, during Tan's visions, I became misty-eyed. (also I've been typing Tan as Non and having to correct... I think NewTan would like that tbh)

I think Jin's was the most disappointing to me because although he knows his actions to release that video were wrong and likely feels guilty, I was hoping Non would at least make an appearance? When Jin apologized to Non the day Non disappeared, Non didn't know what he was apologizing for and said Jin didn't have to apologize. I wanted Jin to apologize to Non while admitting to his wrongdoings, even if it's in hallucinations. Instead, it's Jin being paranoid about what he did to Non being done to him.

[Edited because the Tee/White scene did a whole number on me so I got a bit confused about their visions when I first posted this right after watching the ep]

[hellsingmongrel]

Man, so I'm not normally the biggest fan of Modern AUs, nor am I overly fond of fiction focused on kids, but...last night, my sleeping brain decided to concoct this Trigun (Stampede-flavored) Modern AU that now is living rent free in my damn brain! I want to get it out of my head and into the ether. I don't know if I'm going to do anything long-form with it, and I'm having to translate dream weirdness into more coherent storytelling, but here we go.

So it's modern day Earth, like 2024 or some shit, right? And that's when this version of Earth had just begun fucking around with Plant cloning. It's early enough that the SEEDS project hasn't even left the planet, the scientists haven't yet figured out how to put Plants in bulbs and use them for fuel, none of that! But they've already had Tessla happen, and the boys have already been born. Since they're not in space, even though they had to have found out about their sister, Nai hasn't had a chance to literally nuke humanity from orbit, and I guess Rem has had a chance to try and curtail some of his trauma, so he's...more stable? Ish? Stable enough where he's not actively trying to murder everyone. And the boys are "older," like we see in the flashbacks for the time Vash encountered Nai during the Last Run, so probably around 6 years old but looking 16 or so.

Rem has managed to fudge their paperwork so they've started going to school with human kids, to try and give them a normal childhood. Nai isn't as eager to play ball with the whole "being human" thing as much as Vash is, but Vash has got so many friends, Meryl and Milly and Lina are there and they're like the cutest, most stupidly adorable group of friends, just a bunch of little goofballs, like kids that age are. And the school has a field trip to a theme park (it was Disneyworld in my dream because my school actually did this, but ours was a band trip) and Vash manages to convince Rem to let him go. Vash and Nai and Rem are still paranoid about humans figuring out who they are, so you know, he's told to be extra careful and take care of himself, and Nai gives him one of his blades or something for self defense, just in case something happens. Even though Vash would never, that boy has trauma around knives and trying to defend himself, if you've read Trimax, iykyk. But he takes it anyway, and somehow, he manages to sneak it into the park. Maybe the metal doesn't register on metal detectors or something, who knows.

But he's a kid, and kids are dumb. Especially when they're 16. Especially if those 16 year olds aren't actually 16 and don't have the actual lived experience to know better. So he starts playing with the knife in front of the girls, showing off and just being a silly little guy. And then the knife slips. Bad. We're talking "this is how he probably lost his arm in this AU" bad. Blood everywhere, the girls are panicking and take him to the school chaperones and it's like "HOLY SHIT WTF DUDE, We're taking you to the ER, someone call his mom!"

And he hears that, pictures the doctors finding out he's not human, remembers what happened to Tessla, and panics. Boy does a runner like only Vash can do, and he manages to get away from them, out of the park, and escapes from security. And when parents get involved in trying to find him, the authorities start looking into the incident, and someone in the government overseeing the Plant research is able to recognize the elemental make up of the blade he dropped, and they start having suspicions. So the feds get involved, and it just goes from bad to worse, right?

Meanwhile, loopy from blood loss and panicking and a little sobbing mess because he feels dumb about slipping up and he's afraid he'll never get to go home to his mom and his brother again and is spiraling the way kids do when they panic, he gets lost in the city and ends up stumbling over teenage Wolfwood, who lives on the streets and has a few street kids that he looks after on his own with Livio. They never got to live at the orphanage, but that also means that the Eye (in whatever form it takes in this AU) never got ahold of them, so yeah, shits fucked for them, but it's actually a whole lot better for them than it might have been. And it's Wolfwood without all of the EoM trauma, so you can just imagine what he does when this delirious, bloody, terrified, severely injured kid runs him over in the street, sobbing about being caught by the adults and taken away.

Big Brother Nico do what Big Brother Nico do.

At that point, I ended up waking up, but damn if my brain didn't give me enough details to come up with a dumb AU idea that I kind of love and want to do something with, but I don't know if I have the time or spoons to do so.

Ideas I'd had following this beginning to flesh itself out in my head; Luida and Brad are Plant researchers brought onto the project to help the feds figure out wtf is going on with this whole situation, and when Luida is told to talk to Rem, because she's not giving them anything they can use, the two of them reach a secret accord to bring Vash home safe and sound and cover everything back up nice and squeaky clean the way it should have stayed.

Vash's arm is bad enough that he can't really heal it very well on his own without medical care, Plant healing or no. He's doing better than most kids would, but it still begins to go septic, and it forces Nico and Livio to make the really hard decision to find adults they can trust to bring him to so he can get the care he needs. He still ends up losing his arm, though.

At the end of everything, Melanie ends up taking Nico and Livio and the other kids in, so they still get to have their momma figure, even if she comes in later. Maybe she's the one that they find to help them. Is she maybe someone they've known was mostly safe but was never able to get them to stick around long enough to take care of them? Either way, the boys get Vash to her, and it starts the process of getting him home and the kids finally staying at the orphanage.

Meryl, Milly, and Lina all end up sneaking away when they realize that Vash is in more trouble than the adults are letting on, trying to go find him, since they know him better than anyone other than Rem and Nai. Eventually, they meet up with Nico and Livio while everyone is trying to avoid federal agents.

Obviously it's lovey-dovey Vashwood and Insurance Girlfriends and Polygun-flavored, but in the "these kids are too oblivious to think about sexy things, yet" sort of way, because I really do headcanon that at least Vash is ace, Wolfwood is probably demi, and also I am not writing children getting intimate like that. >8/ But kids having little crushes on each other is adorable and I can't not have Vashwood and Insurance Girlfriends be the eventual outcome, once those idiots all grow up and get their heads screwed on straight.

Also, because Nai hasn't had a chance to murder everyone, Rem's managed to work with him enough that he's very slowly overcoming his trauma and regaining his ability to trust that he's not in permanent danger. He'll probably grow up to be a Plants Rights activist or something, lbh. Or a politician. But he's not going to murder people, so either way, it's a win/win!

Because Nico's been living on the streets with him, Razlo either hasn't had to manifest as strongly for Livio, or hasn't manifested at all. Livio is still the sweet, shy, crybaby teddy bear we see, and maybe Razlo only comes out when the feds start getting closer and almost managing to grab the kids, and because he's been able to bond with Nico and the other kids so well this time, Livio is close enough to them that the thought of them getting hurt or taken away is enough to make him want to protect their little group instead of just Livio.

Wolfwood absolutely grumbles about how alike Vash and Livio are. Both a couple'a crybabies, geez, what the Hell you two??? But he also is very much a teddy bear who gives the best hugs when one of his little band of gremlins is upset, so he probably spends more time in a cuddle pile than anything else, now that there's two of them to lose their shit at the drop of a hat.

Vash was totally the one very sweet boy in a clique of girls that everyone who'd known him realized, when they were adults looking back, that he was very much the sweet gay kid hanging out with the girls because it was safer to be himself around them than it was to be around the other boys. (This isn't meant as a stereotype of gay kids, this is based on actual kids I grew up with. My friend group honest to God adopted them because we were all a bunch of momma bears.)

Vash is also...not trans? Because he's a Plant and Plants don't work the same way humans do, but he's also not what humans would think of as a cis boy. He expresses a masc presentation, but probably the closest equivalent would be an intersexed kid. Nai, too, tbh, though he's probably more of the "I don't give a fuck" opinion when it comes to his own gender identity. He uses he/him because that's what humans think when they see him, but he doesn't care any deeper than that.

[batfamfucker]

Episode Three things I loved:

Bill and Frank. Obviously.

Old gays in general. Two gay men who get to grow old together and die together happily (As happy as you can be in the apocalypse).

Secret basement below the basement.

Bill's bunker. It's awesome.

Bill being Autistic for his entire screen time. Tell me that man isn't neurodivergent. I love him.

The fact Bill and Frank died together and it was lovely and they were happy instead of Bill finding Frank hanging like in the game. I'm glad they got to go together peacefully.

The gay coding with their words. 'A man who knows which wine to put with rabbit' 'I know I don't seem like the type' 'No, you do.' He read that motherfucker. 'Who's the girl' 'There is no girl' 'I know'

The piano scene. The fucking song throughout the ep. And the end as Joel and Ellie drive away. The open window. The message within the lyrics.

The cute little town.

Them bickering and being a married couple.

The meme-ability of Bill. 'The government ARE Nazis!' And 'You WHAT?' I need them as meme templates thanks.

Honestly that whole scene 'They ARE' 'They are NOW but they weren't THEN'

Bill's fucking Illuminati stuff. The hilarity of him staying alive because of his conspiracy theories.

Bill being a fucking badass tbh. The minute FEDRA leaves, just breaking into everywherr. Seeing him set up that town, having a full blown plan, setting up traps and building a goddamn generator, relaxing as he lets his traps take care of infected, just enjoying his steak and laughing. Knowing he does that a lot 'Gets me everytime'. Man's was made for this. He slayed tbh. That whole scene was so satisfying.

I was scared Frank was gonna use Bill, and he did at first, but then seeing him genuinely begin to love and care for him. Refusing to let Bill die when he got shot even though Bill told him Joel could care of him, wanting to marry Bill on his last day.

Honestly Frank just being sassy and dragging Bill lmao. 'We need friends babe. Sweetheart please you just sit in the basement all the time. You need a social life other than me, and for my own sanity, I need one too. So I've made a friend over the radio and you can't do anything about it. Now get me my paint'.

Tess being an AllyTM. Her and Frank being besties whilst their paranoid husbands scowl at each other.

Joel unable to say the word 'partner' for Bill and Frank lmao. You just adopted a lesbian. Honey, you've got a big storm coming.

I was hoping Ellie would get to meet Bill and he would tell her about Frank (Before going into the ep, based on the game) so she would have a nice little internal 'I'm not the only gay in the world thank god' moment. But I didn't mind since the whole episode was amazing.

The strawberry scene.

Bill apologising for getting older quicker but then it's Frank that needs the help later. My heart.

Frank and his paintings and beautiques.

Frank knowing Bill poured the pills into the wine bottle so he'd die too.

The marriage scene. Them exchanging rings. Having the same last meal and wine they had for their first meal together. Sitting next to each rather than across the table. A shot of the hole that Frank fell into, where they met. Sobbing. I love them.

They are the definition of 'In sickness and in health, till death do us part' and it hurt but it was some beautifully.

Knowing any Homophobic Gamer BoysTM were ripping their hair out at this episode.

It ripped my heart out but the fucking skeletons. The baby blanket and transition to seeing that baby and the mother. Knowing what happens. Hearing a mother comfort her kids and seeing a old lady and a whole community of families and knowing what happens to them.

All the fuck the government stuff. It feels like all the fucked up shit they did is so realistic and would happen.

The letter for Joel. 'Keep Tess safe'. And the symbolism of knowing there's at least one person (Ellie) worth saving. Worth living for. My heart.

Also, though. 'Hehehehe'

Ellie reading 'hehehehe'

The casualness of human bodies in the apocalypse. Periods actually referenced in an apocalypse show! Joel tossing Ellie some deodorant! Him being prepared to take care of a teenage daughger again! Ellie telling him he needs to shower (Also their banter). Ellie stocking her bag with toilet paper.

Joel making a small gravestone for Tess out of rocks from the river. That hurt.

Dad Joel coming out more and more each episode.

The forest scene. Joel giving his jacket to Ellie to sleep in so she wouldn't be cold. Him making sure she eats even if he doesn't.

Ellie roasting Joel. Joel roasting Ellie. 'Shit at shooting or life in general' Joel's continous 'offended but mostly confused I just got dragged by a 14 year old' face.

The arcade machine.

The repeat of the 'Anything bad?' 'Just you' joke.

Ellie being lowkey a psychopath again? The basement scene and her seeming to enjoy killing the infected dude.

Ellie being upset he stashes the massive gun. Because same.

The plane scene. Ellie's excitement all episode. Every question she asks. That's my Ellie.

Joel's dark humour. 'So did they'.

History Lesson With Joel.

Flour Zombies Confirmed. It's no longer Plants Vs Zombies, it's Plant Zombies.

The way he said the date of the outbreak, the subtle pain, and you can tell it's engraved because of that reason, as well as Sarah's death, and his birthday. I can't wait until Ellie finds out it was his birthday. And/Or about Sarah.

Contractor (?) Joel dragging Bill about his fences and using his KnowledgeTM to bait him into trading. Him being right.

Ellie's first time in a car. 'It's a spaceship'

'Women's shirts'. Joel really is thinking of her and it's nice to see he's used to taking care of a teenage girl and how he goes back into that role with ease. Him getting used to that again, even if begrudgingly at first.

Everytime Joel tells Ellie off. Dad Mode Joel Activated.

The fucking seat belt scene. Joel telling her to put her seatbelt on. The parallel of him saying that to Ellie like he did with Sarah. Him leaning over her and Ellie being completely comfortable with him doing so. Her not knowing what a seatbelt is.

Joel trying to get Ellie not to play music but then not letting her turn it off when he realises it's a song/artist he likes.

Joel warming up in the final shot when he likes the music. Ellie hating it. It's giving Dad Who Listens To Smooth Radio Whilst You Die Inside. I know because I've been there.

No school scene. Not introducing the bloater so soon. I'm glad we're building to that. Makes it seem much more impactful.

Basically the entire episode.

All I 'didn't like' (/Joking) was that they didn't hide literally everything in that house in the secret basement below the basement so raiders won't find anything when they come, so it'd still be there if they ever need to go back there. But that's just because I wouldn't be able to deal with it if that were me. I'd be making sure no one finds that shit. It's mine, and I'd go back for it when possible. Maybe. At some point. Hopefully. Or live there myself if I wasn't in Joel and Ellie's situation. I also wanna see Joel swinging upside-down from a chain at some point.

Joking aside, this episode is great. The show continues to not only meet my expectations, but exceed them. I can't take the fact that there's only nine episodes this season because I don't want it to end and I hope season two isn't about the second game, but for the show's later seasons to be about the years and adventures Joel and Ellie have together after the events of the first game, if season one meets the end of the first game. Because I love them and need more of this.

I'm so excited to see where this show goes. It has the perfect balance of sticking to the source material yet also doing new stuff that also surprises people who have played the game. I adore it.

[kayrockerqog]

imma compress all my td2023 season two thoughts into one post, so spoilers below particularly for the final four/five episodes

Okay so, I can't be the only one who's super tired of Caleb by the end of the season, right? Like, no, I don't dislike him as a character necessarily, hell, we didn't have much to go off of for a GOOD while, and I'm certainly glad they actually gave him some substance. But like...really? Putting him in the FINALE? Extending his arc so long that it keeps PRIYA in until the final FOUR?? It just makes them both feel like they overstayed their welcome, especially when people like Damien, Zee and Raj got shafted in favour of their plotline, which was ultimately super exhausting compared to others. It also just felt a little...off, especially for Caleb's teammates in the finale basically being "Team Not Julia," that just felt...so sad. And not in a way that was really earned since he was super wishy-washy for the latter half of the game, especially after Damien was eliminated. Like girl how can you go from having nothing to having too much?? What is this, rags to riches? And just to get all of the kinda low points of the season IMO:

Damien was just straight up robbed, and his elimination left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth?? Like there ain't no way DAMIEN would be dumb enough and/or not paranoid enough to NOT take the idol with him to elimination, like, ON HIS PERSON. I don't care that it was hidden at the campfire, there is no way anyone with his personality, especially after saying he moves the damn thing like four times a day, would NOT KEEP IT ON HIM DURING THE CEREMONY!! That's just an unnecessary risk and it got him taken out. Also, Priya voting him out made DOUBLE no sense, like I get Wayne and Raj being sentimental and all but why would Priya vote him over someone else?? I'm still not over Zee's elimination either. Like, yeah, I get why, he spilled a bunch of tea about everybody, but did they just FORGET THE FIRST AND ARGUABLY MOST IMPORTANT BIT OF TEA??? THAT CALEB WAS FUCKING WITH PRIYA'S HEAD??? Why did they spare him of that? Caleb should've gotten more fucking consequences for not updating Zee on the development, especially when you made him PROMISE NOT TO SAY ANYTHING!!! However, there's a lot of good stuff too that I absolutely adored about the later episodes:

MK and Julia's farewell felt really fitting, even if I felt MK should've stayed over her, plus the hug??? the mutual respect??? Chef's commentary???? real. Raj and Wayne continue to be completely endearing, both with Raj's elimination and Wayne's obvious love and care for him even when he's not there. I mean FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, his worst fear at the time was having to compete AGAINST Raj instead of with him!!! How precious is that?? Plus the HUG????? RAJ'S FAREWELL?????? EVERYTHING ABOUT IT HAS ME SO GIDDY MAN!! "Bowie, get your dancing shoes!" me, being buried in a pile of the hearts swirling around my head and also just, Bowie in the finale being an icon, as usual, even if he isn't competing. His friendship with Wayne as a result of his relationship with Raj and how he's adapted to their ways of thinking is SO!!!!! GAH!!!!!! HE LEARNED THE HOCKEY TALK!!!!! IM WEAK!!!!!! And everyone on Wayne's team being so genuinely happy to support him, especially those I genuinely would not have expected to be there (Axel, Ripper, Chase) but when I think about it, it makes PERFECT sense, and I'm just,,, AGH!!!!! And while the final three and winner may not have been my first choices, I am ultimately pleased with the ending. Wayne winning makes up for the exhaustion of other plotlines in the season, and really, he played fair and square and won. Much as I wanted Julia to win, I'm glad he did.

now that ive actually seen all the episodes I'm gonna be,,, insane and reblog so much td stuff because obviously, so,, AND IF ANYONE WANTS TO ASK ME MORE QUESTIONS FEEL FREE!!! I WOULD LOVE TO TALK MORE IN DEPTH ABOUT MY THOUGHTS OF THE SEASON!!

[scoonsalicious]

I think my asks are getting into your inbox late somehow. maybe that's my internet or it's probably just tumblr being tumblr BUT ANYWAY. yeah...this is going to be so so bad. And I get Pocket got triggered hearing his voice and lo and behold Joana is still following him like a puppy because I truly do think there's no interaction between those two anymore apart from her trying to get his attention and him just always trying to get away (or maybe i'm putting too much fate on Brenan). And I usually don't mind Pocket fucking her feelings away, like I'm not saying it's the healthiest way to cope but go and do your thing. But, and correct me if i'm misremembering this, isn't he just a tad bit too young for her? I mean, he's legal and everything and it won't really matter if it's just a quick fuck if you really think about it. But why do I have a bad feeling about it? Like is this guy to be trusted or is there something fishy going on here? Or could that just be me being paranoid? LMAO. I can't explain it but I just really have a baaddd feeling about it.

I stated in my previous ask about Hydra being connected to the strip club somehow and well, I was right again. Though, my theory on them experimenting on these women could still be wrong tho and i really hope I am. But, again this is a theory, if Juniper is actually a Hydra agent, Pocket just put so many people in danger by blurting out that they now know Hydra is connected to the strip club. Like so many things could've gone wrong with that IF she is in cahoots with them. But, she also could just be an annoying bitch all on her own lmao.

But ah, Beatrice calling in. I mean there's really not much for me to say about that small cameo. The part were he still calls her "my girl" though is both sweet and a little annoying sometimes lmao. Like, i don't think he's still understanding the weight of what's he's done thinking that he still has a chance with Pocket. Maybe he's just highly optimistic, which does reinforce the fact that there's really more to what happened. OR it could also mean that no matter what, even if they're never getting back other, she's still going to be his girl in his eyes. It's bittersweet in it's own right.

I can already feel the slope declining, like things are going to go downnn and Pocket is going to spiral so bad. I really don't want it to happen but all odds are against her favor right now on top of her not thinking with a clear mind and is running high on strong emotions so there's not much we can do. That's all I have to say for now, you're amazing as always! Lots of Love!

— Jnon 🤍

Another Jnon! My day is good!

There is definitely no interaction between Bucket and Cunthage right now. She's pursuing, he's fleeing. He knows he's probably too late to salvage things with Pocket, but he's staying away, anyhow. And Bad Decision is DEFINITELY too young for her. By, like, 14 years. Granted, she's about 70 years too young for Bucky, but still, lol. Nothing fishy going on with him; he just looks enough like Bucky if she squints (while wasted) for her to fuck her feelings out. I confess that I did consider bringing him back for an altercation at the club, but it ended up not making it into the final draft. Too bad, though-- it would have involved him encountering her with his friends while she was performing, and him trying to take some form of revenge, but who's in AC by that time? Bucket! And he beats the shit out of poor Brandon. But, it ended up not fitting, so it got cut :( Regrets. And the whole "my girl" thing? It's definitely the second one. He's pretty sure at this point that 🎵they are never, ever, ever... getting back together 🎵 But she's always going to be "his girl," the one that got away, in his eyes. Granted, without that little bit of insight into his mind, it just comes off as cocky and possessive. He'll explain himself later.

Love you oodles!

[108garys]

Why is she like that?

@kassiekolchek22 Here's my way too long, half awake analysis of Em's behavior and attitude throughout until dawn, it is both rambling and has video references✨

Also I'd like to put a little disclaimer that any talking bad about the other characters doesn't necessarily represent my views on them so much as I'm trying to look at things from Emily's pov so buckle in and I hope you like it 😁

I get that it's easy to hate Em, she's a down right bitch that starts drama and is an asshole to her boyfriend and she has an annoying voice.

But you gotta look at things from her pov, a girl in her social circle is out here coming onto her boyfriend openly, shamelessly disrespecting her and her relationship. Of course she'd be mad, then her best friend suggests she should be taught a lesson, says that she's looking out for her and in her anger she agrees but then it goes terribly wrong and the girl and her sister vanish off the face of the earth. She stamps down whatever negative feelings she has for the girl because she's missing, most likely dead. The fact that Hannah was boundary stomping herself isn't relevant and Em must set it aside.

Then in the aftermath her relationship crumbles, which is understandable given that's a hard thing to face but then her best friend, who got the ball rolling on the prank, who claimed she was just looking out for Em swoops in and gets together with her ex, now that is a certain type of betrayal that screws with a person.

Then a year later on the anniversary of the worst day of all their lives thus far and she's faced with the two people who broke her heart and trust being happy together, she starts saying a bunch of insecure bs and think about it, she's an over achiever, top of her class, athletic and independent. None of that meant jack all to the people she was closest to when everything that comes out of her mouth makes her sound like a bitch.

So in her new relationship there's this underlying fear, will she be enough? Is she too much? Is he secretly interested in her friends? When did Jess actually catch Mike's eye? So she gets clingy, paranoid, down playing her strengths, she needs him to show up for her(and let's face it the way most people play Matt, that doesn't really happen), under the most favourable circumstances there is a glimmer of that working.

But when she's on her own all she has is her, it's traumatising, life and death and yes she screams and cries and survives based on what she minimised(potential after also being betrayed by her new boyfriend). She faces unspeakable horror almost all alone, she faces it all and just barely gets out alive(all before anyone else even knows what's really going on) and for her trouble she gets her ex pointing a gun in her face. It could end right there, you had to do it didn't you? Betrayed again. On the other hand, all her fears are confirmed and it was meaningless and the betrayer has the audacity to talk about how she was scared(she doesn't get to confront mike so that's neither here nor there). So she slaps her and even then some people act like she was being unreasonable because she's just an awful whinny bitch right?

Additional information. Em's best scene that that shows her in the best light in her relationship with Matt and generally shows what she's like when she's not on edge/the defensive was cut from most people's games and is apparently really hard to get a hold of(sony was like "this scene can be for pre-order only😑). This unfortunately makes it much harder to max Em and Matt's approval and makes it far more likely that they'll have a bad relationship through out the game.

Now looking at Em and Mike and the other side of the subsequent relationships, firstly we don't know how long Em and Mike were together and we don't know the exact timeline of the relationship dynamics over the past 12 months, what we do know is that Em and Mike hooked up one additional time after their official break up. We don't know if this is after they both got into new relationships or when only one of them had or if they had started seeing other people without committing yet making it a bit of a blurry area so take it however you will but I think it's one of those things that's too easy to twist one way or the other for most/least charitable interpretations.

All this said if Matt doesn't see Em and Mike hugging(which whatever went down in the grey area I do think that it really was like Mike said it was, at least from his pov), it opens an additional dialogue on the ruined fire tower where he yells at Em to treat him better, like straight gets her dangling for her life to repeat after him that she promises to treat him like a human and sure Matt growing a spine is a moment but this is an Emily pov post, so it's like something clicks in her head where you can see that she really didn't notice how awful she was to him and how her issues effected her new relationship, in this version she'll ask about him in the end, either devastated that she wasn't better to him before he died or so very afraid that he'll leave her before she has a chance to fix it(this is her expressed with her asking the interviewer if he knows how much she cares for him and if he said they were together). Again it really doesn't help her case that she really does have an annoying voice so even when she's being sincere she still sounds like a bitch

Below we have the cut scene that shows Em and Matt's dynamic actually sort of working

High relationship Em talking about Matt in the interview(at the start of the video)

And around 2:17 we have the option for Matt to tell Emily to treat him better

And this one was just a bit funny

That concludes my reasons why I don't hate Em, maybe you still do and that's cool too but regardless I hope you understand her better

[1st-lil-poet]

{𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐅𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲}

[TW: Murder & Blood]

[ 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐩𝐬𝐨 belongs to @bluetorchsky and 𝐇𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲 𝐊𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐲 belongs to @thesoulesscollection !

[𝐌𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐞, 𝐁𝐨𝐛𝐛𝐲, and 𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐚 belong to me!]

[1/2]

✝️[Bobby Angels: Deceased/FALSE]

🥀[Veronica Angels: Alive/TRUE]

🌹[Maddie Angels: Alive/TRUE]

📷[Deadname|Al Kohaul Angels:Alive/TRUE]

🩹[Kyle Baxter Angels: Alive/TRUE]

——————————————————————————————

The Runner & Angels Families are known for their knowledge of many different types of magic for generations.Rumor has spread that they are quite religious, yet know some demonic rituals… Let’s talk about family members! :D

——————————————

Al Kohaul: The middle child of the family. Al is a shy, closeted transgender man who has a great eye for photography! (He’s the child in the blue dress.) He’s has the ability to see other people’s dreams, memories and past. He has been forced to join more “Lady like” clubs by his mother… but ends up hiding in the shadows every time. Speaking of which, he loves the dark as it reminds him of the night sky. He’s a bit photogenic despite his love for taking pictures. Al has mixed match eyes and often covers it up with his hair. His powers does have some downsides like if he overuses it, you might see him coughing up blood or worse, having a seizure…

Kyle Baxter: Is proudly the oldest! He’s immune to pain and often got himself hurt as a child. (He’s the kid in the red shirt and bandages.) He pretends to be weak and cowardly, but is quite strong and capable to fight 10 people at once! He is quite protective of his siblings and cousins, so if there is chaos happening because of his siblings doing, Kyle finds a way to keep it unseen. He can hear other people heartbeats, track people down just by smelling their blood, and climb up walls and buildings! The only downside is… he can get EXTREMELY hungry and when he’s hungry, HE HUNTS.

Maddie Angels: She’s the youngest of the three. She has a passion for fashion and has a side business making clothes. Maddie is currently working for Honey and might be her favorite employee. She LOVES to skatebroad! She’s albino but, yet people mistakes her for being white most times, it happens so many times that she just gave up and accepts it. (She's the little girl in pink) We know about Heartbreaker, but want to know about her skills? She has sonic scream, super speed and can shape shift. The downside is if she stays in the form for too long, she’ll feel VERY nauseous and lightheaded. She hates her mom for killing her dad, to make it worse, her mother's reason was “Your daddy had a demon in him, so mommy had to crave it out.” Now, she’s is happily adopted by Calypso! 

Bobby Angels: INFORMATION REDACTED.

Veronica Angels: Mother of the three. Paranoid about everything and everyone… She can see people sins, demons and desires. She often forgets to take her medication due to overworking herself. One day, she forgets to take them and fighting with Bobby, it sadly ended with killing her husband. Veronica is currently in a mental hospital, regretting what she’s done. If you try to speak to her, all you’ll hear will be, “I'm sorry, my babies. I don’t mean it…”

———————————————————

EDIT: Sorry, if I made this dark!!!!

[berryunho]

Not you and Bee updating your fics the same day when just yesterday I was going through both fics again because I missed them dearly. You people are gonna kill me, the adrenaline that shot through me hit so hard when I saw The Answer and Wonderwall had updated that I almost spooked myself and fell from my bed.

Anyways HELLO! Good to see you again <3

Hope you're having a good 2024 so far.

Here we go on another one of my unnecessarily long ass comments about the fic, sure hope I haven't overstayed my welcome with them just yet lmao (let me know if I do end up overdoing it at some point please, I will gladly tone it down if it becomes a problem).

FIRST OF ALL: I THINK I'M GOING INSANE.

Maybe its the hj brainrot that I've been stuck on for the last few months, maybe it's the fact that the ateez hyperfixation is hitting harder than usual since the comeback but him throwing a tantrum yelling "you will not take her from me"? Butterflies. Got me giggling and kicking my feet. I was rolling around on my bed as I read that.

Maybe it's the absence making the heart grow fonder and all that.

That being said, my misplaced fondness for this clown did die down once he hit us with the whole "she should be begging me for her life", if the cult thing wasn't enough of an ick I guess that did the job. Like, sir you had me for a sec there with the possessiveness (*tucks my hair like debbie ryan*) why did you have to remind me of your actual personality?

But yeah, catch me slowly being dragged down against my will to join the TheAnswer!HJ simps, though I guess that's what's gonna happen to mc soon enough too, I really am along for the ride with her. Me and mc peering down the edge into the abyss where they lay, the abyss stares right back at us. Damn. People are right, we are not immune to cult propaganda. Tragic.

I really wanted to point out that this chapter had me extra paranoid than the last one tbh, you mentioned in the notes that this was shorter and that you felt like it was lackluster, but I seriously didn't feel it at all because of how on edge I was at times, not as much as let's say during her escape attempt in the corn field sure, but I was still wary and uneasy while reading. I know we had the whole circus with the Guardian thing last time, but san being so urgent in his claims that they have to leave and us getting to hear about how pissed off hj got because of mc's "unsatisfying" reaction to his little scheme? I am dead serious when I tell you I was bracing for the absolute worst, got me shaking in my little tinfoil hat.

The part about the machine harvesting the field? With mc saying she wouldn't want to be caught in it? (ALSO I SEE THAT SHORT YEOSANG MOMENT, I SEE YOU LEAVING A TRAIL OF BREAD CRUMBS FOR HIM 👁👁 <- EYES THAT SEE)

My 2 braincells immediately went "oh em gee, foreshadowing?", like I am certain to my core that someone's gonna fucking die to that or be horrifically injured, its just a matter of: whom? 🤨 I'm gonna save my guess as to who it could be in case that does happen, but I will come back here to yell on another ask about it if that comes up in the future.

Then the scene with hj and hwa talking to mc about her questions, and she hits them with the "oh what can I do if I'm alone?" and hwa is desperately trying to get her to stfu (me too man, me too) while hj smiles at her. You know, like a cryptic weirdo.

Now, I am more than willing to say that what came to mind for me in that moment was probably due to my very *rational* fear of TheAnswer!HJ, but ignore the fact that I am losing myself to his mind games and hear me out for a bit: I kid you not, for a second, I legit thought that he may suggest to or even outright attempt to like "mark" mc with the Sign.

In what way? I don't fucking know but there are many options and he is twisted enough to think of that, we all know it and the sirens were blaring in my head about that when he said the Sign would protect her as long as she had it in her, like "mc girl, I dread to say this but I feel like we should trust mr lapdog on this one, I fear you may be poking the modern day moses a bit too much and we all know he is having a diva moment today", because for hwa to be so concerned over it while hj reacts somewhat positively? Yeah, something wicked this way comes. And on that note, it seemed to me that hwa wasn't just trying to get her to steer from upsetting hj, he seems like he was trying to keep the peace between them in more ways than just that (more on that in a separate ask cause I feel like this is getting too long and its probably a pain for people to scroll past it LMAO I'M SO SORRY).

You clarified for me last time that mc will find out eventually about what happened to her bff (thank you by the way <33) and given how much it was brought up this chapter, I do think he is gonna wait out a while to use the haseul card (haseul girl you will always be remembered as the ride or die friend that you were, more on the die side but it's not your fault girlie, we love you), because while he is clearly prone to emotional outbursts, he is also smart as hell and just as cruel, we are yet to see him mess up big time just out of losing his cool (or maybe the consequences just haven't quite caught up to him just yet but I'd argue he is still ahead in that case), so I imagine that the threat of doing it is very much real but he will play it right for his own advantage.

The man is a diva but he is a cunning one, he more so seems to bring it up because he knows that the idea of devastating mc in that way is a threat in and of itself to everyone else that is also vying for her attention, which is 100/10 writing, author you are amazing (if the way that the fic is eating away at my brain wasn't clear indication of that).

I am also once again proud of our mc for *once again* poking holes in his little bible lore, yes bestie you are correct, wtf does it mean for a Guardian to kidnap someone? A question that I personally had when I read his explanation is: if the Guardians can kidnap people across dimensions then why tf can't the cult members or him, the big powerful prophet himself, also do something like that? Wouldn't that be way more helpful than sending uber eats across dimensions to the Others through sacrifices?? He says they need mc to do that but the Guardians have no issue going "yoink :3" over to our dimension to spirit away his followers and at the same time he also wants us to believe that the same Guardians are afraid of him? Sir. Pick a side, you can't have it both ways. Either they are clearly stronger than you and that's why we are all struggling with mc being a non believer or you are the op big shot of this religion whom everyone grovels under, make it make sense ! !

(Also this isn't me trying to point plot holes in your story pls lol I don't think his religion's lack of consistency is a reflection of your writing ever, in fact I think it's really cool cause it adds to the mystery of it all along with making us question him even more, I just have a lot of fun dissecting the snippets of it we do get out of spite for him lmao).

I have some more things I wanted to add but I'll throw them into another ask cause, again, I feel like this is already gonna be annoying to scroll past lmao, so sorry for anyone seeing this, apologies everyone.

But these were my general takes on the chapter, I really enjoyed it as always so thanks for another update Lauren <333 wish you well!!

- 👁👁

LKSJLFKJASDF OMG HI!!!! <33333

First of all let me just say that you will never annoy me w these comments like this is seriously my dream feedback i could cry honestly im so touched that you care so much to type all of this out and that you clearly spend so much time thinking about the answer and really appreciating it and like. YEAH ILY SM DO NOT WORRY !!!!! 

Fun fact about bee and me updating at the same time . we didnt plan it this time . it was in fact random . but there was a time in like… i wanna say december 2022 when bee was writing claire de lune and her and caly and i all conspired to update on the same day and im pretty sure we did and i cant even imagine what it wouldve been like to be a claire de lune/mists of celeste/the answer reader on that day LMFAO

ANYWAYS INTO THE MEAT AAAAAAAAAAA pls these reactions to hj are so real like sometimes ill write something a little bit too … cute ? and then ive gotta reel it back real quick we gotta remember who we’re talking about we gotta stay strong even if he is hot and obsessed 

TY for saying you felt that the chapter was still interesting hehe i guess i felt like people would be expecting a lot from this chapter and i knew it wasnt going to be What Was Expected or like that it wasnt going to go right into the escape attempt like i think some people probably thought SO im glad that the chapter was still … paranoia inducing LMFAO 

No fun fact idk if this is like obvious or not but my grandparents are/were corn farmers so like. Obvs i have spent a lot of time on a corn field. Planting harvesting running around etc. and i was always so freaked out by combine machines theyre literally fucking ENORMOUS like easily 15 feet tall but the good news is they go like. 10mph. But i still wouldnt want to find myself in the path of one AHAHAH !!!!!! ANYWAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

eheheheeh yeah the whole scene w the unholy trinity really …. Ooooooo was it fun to write hehe yes the whole situation w haseul is really a big opportunity for hj to keep manipulating mc and something for him to hold over her head and i hope the dramatic irony is coming through w the fact that we obvs know she’s dead but mc has no idea bc i lovvveeeeeee that tension in a story like just waiting and waiting and waiting for mc to find out … ehehe and i like how you point out that hj hasnt really messed up big time or lost his cool bc youre … right … but he’s almost almost getting there and i just love him being unhinged and ………… yeah ill be quiet now heh

UBER EATS SACRIFICES ACROSS DIMENSIONS SENT MEEEEEE LAKDJFL;ASKJDFL;KJA;DFKJ youre so real for these questions and like yes this is exactly the type of thing i want you to be thinking … hehehe keep yourself in mc’s shoes yk … i def get that you’re not trying to point out plot holes hehe dw dw thank you for your compliments hehe

I WILL ANSWER YOUR SECOND ASK NEXT !!! TYSM AGAIN I LOVE YOU MWAH MWAH MWAH i hope you are WELL !!! <3333

[queen-of-boops]

hey!! how are you?? i have a hc request. how do you think the li's outside of s4 would react in a situation similar to the one with dylan?

Hey lovely!

I'm going to stick to S1 and 2 since S3 just ignored drama all together and everyone in S5 is impossible for me to create HCs for. I'm also going to ignore the whole making MC sleep on the daybeds thing for the most part because it seems ooc for like 90% of the LIs but:

Season 1

Levi: If the way he acts when Mason is involved in Cherrygate is any indication, Levi will not be pulling punches. At that late in the game, he's fallen hard for MC and trusts her when she says Dylan was lying. He'd be making digs at Dylan whenever he got the chance and openly hostile towards him.

Jake: 100% on MC's side. He believes her implicitly and is there to support her. Like Youcef, the whole thing would likely be the inciting factor for his love confession.

Mason: Of all the S1 LIs, he's the one I see being the most hurt by the situation. He wants to believe MC, but without meaning too, he'd pull away a bit and become slightly guarded. He'd come around eventually, but he'd need time to get there.

Talia: She takes no bullshit. She'd be the first to see through Dylan's macho bs and give him a piece of her mind before very happily falling asleep next to MC.

Season 2

Gary: I can't see him and Dylan getting along at all. Even before shit hits the fan, he's gruff and snappy with Dylan. He wants MC to trust him and that trust goes both ways.

Noah: Like Mason, he'd need time to think things through. He wants to believe MC, but needs time to really think about the relationship before chosing to move on.

Rahim: Let's be honest, it's all too easy for Rahim to believe his girl is going to move onto someone "better". He'd be really paranoid, trying to convince MC to stay with him no matter if the kiss happened or not.

Bobby: Boys got some self-esteem issues, and they'd be fully present in a situation like this. Outwardly, he trusts MC, cuddling her close and reassuring her that he knows Dylan is lying. Inwardly, he's panicking. But in the end, he'd fully support MC the way she needed.

Lucas: His jealousy would come out in a situation like this. Of all the S2 LIs, he's actually the one I can see sleeping separately from MC (although he'd be the one to move to the couch). He'd be making digs at Dylan, and snapping at anyone who tried to say something happened. But until the dust settles, he'd be on-edge and hurt.

Henrik: Since Henrik's so upfront and honest, he'd pull MC aside and straight-up ask her if the kiss happened or not. As long as MC said nothing happened, he'd 100% believe her, quickly moving past it like nothing happened.

Marisol: Another jealous LI, she'd have a hard time accepting it at first. But she also has likely been negged in the past and while she's hurting, deep down she knows nothing happened.

Arjun: He'd laugh and make a joke about it. He trusts MC, even if he's a little hurt inside, but he brushes it off because she needs him to be there for her. They'd have a long talk about it later, but when he's around the group he's clearly on MCs side

Carl: Another one with self esteem issues. He'd be hurt and second-guessing everything, retreating into his shell until the facts came out.

Felix: Panic. Full-fledged panic. He'd be convinced Dylan is a really cool guy and he lost his chance with MC. She'd have to literally knock some sense into him.

Elijah: Cocky and confident, Elijah would tell Dylan that there's no way his girl kissed someone else. He might not actually believe it right away, but he'd do everything in his power to convince everyone else nothing happened.

Elisa: Honestly, she'd probably be flirting with Dylan. In her eyes, it's harmless fun. But if MC showed interest in Dylan, she'd make it her mission to win her back. At the end of the day, she's fine with MC window-shopping as long as she came back to her.

Kassam: His jealousy would come out. He'd be sullen and withdrawn, snapping at anyone who suggested something happened between MC and Dylan

Jakub: I hate to say it, but he'd probably relate to Dylan. He's the only LI I can truly see believing Dylan because they trust him instead of personal insecurities. If MC decided she wanted to work through it, it would take some work and personal growth from both of them

Hope this answered your question and hope you're doing well!

[strangerinnastrangelandd]

I don't know what I'm doing here.

If my 18 year old self found out that I skipped out on a charity rave to make a Tumblr page in the year of our lord 2023 she would... Well, shed probably be cool with it because she was in jail waiting to sign my will to live over to the state of new jersey. She's probably ask me for a cigarette.

Any way I found this really beautiful journal last night in a garbage can while I was on my way out of a comedy show (btw rlly funny support indie comedians case comedy free at Abyssinia in philly every Tuesday night!) and it was brand new with the lilies" all across it. It made me miss drawing, scribbling little poems, feeling like I was leaving something positive behind. The last ten years of survival mode made me a really miserable person for a long time. If I had one wish, it would be to transfer my conscienceness into a newborn baby and relive life knowing everything I know now. Me now, in my sixteen year old body? I could be a doctor! I could be a drug kingpin! I could be invited to parties ! Here's how I imagine the difference would be;

current me : CM

young me: YM

CM: hey, let's ask lucy to hang out

YM: if she really liked us she would have asked already

CM: she just asked if you wanted to hang out at home room..

YM: I asked first clearly she hates me

CM: ok... Johnny asked if you want to go to the beach with blah blah blah and also blah

YM: I hat blah and blah and I had like two granola bars today I can only wear sweatshirts until I poop you KNOW this

CM: ok... We got invited to a party---

YM: I have soCIAL ANXIETY

CM: uh... We could go to *best friends house* and watch a movie?

YM: no I don't feel like putting pants on

CM: ok well I have plans with a friend so I'll just leave ya to it----

YM: I wish I had friends :/ no one likes me! I never get invited anywhere! I don't know what it is!!! *aggressively chews hot pocket*

-end scene-

I would do more of an intro post if anyone ever asks but for now this will be my little place to rant and post my pathetic doodles and snapshots. And also! I will explain at a later date but I made a gofundme kind of for shits and giggs and mostly out of desperation. I just got evicted seven days after moving into this room, owned by a man who wanted no background check or even a deposit. Yes I know it sOuNdS tOo gOoD tO bE TrUe I KNOW OKAY I GET IT- essentially the landlord is mentally ill, bizarely paranoid, obsessed with my social life to the extent that I face a ten to twenty minute inquisition about my actual plans for the day... I could go on, but it's a tale for another day. Anyway, I have to stay in Philly until October and I definitely want to get tf out of dodge the day they hand me those papers. All my money since moving here has gone to rent, deposits, food and fines to two different states. I've been able to get my license back for a year but I literally can't afford the fee, or a car to rent to take the driving test.

But hold on! This ain't a sad story kids! Because I've decided to get in on that #vanlife game. Not to TikTok or anything, just because... Well, I've been stuck between NJ and PA for ten years. I accomplished a lot I think, got clean off drugs and worked for several reputable rehabs, made some friends, heard some live music, met some cool strangers... But I want to see the world. I don't want to sign a lease every year and plan my vacations six months I'm advance. Life has proved time and time again that I'm just not cut out for it , mentally or physically. I guess someone else would see a therapist, go on antidepressants and make themselves adjust. I was on of those people. But freedom is so close I can taste it. I wasted my twenties and I don't plan on being forty regretting even more then I do now.

Fun game! Guess which girl is on drugs!

Any way, the go fund me. I found a pretty good RV my friend says he can fix up for $4000. I know even if I'm hired tomorrow I won't be able to even think about saving until I find a place to live so ya know what? Fuck it. Here's my change cup.

https://gofund.me/cacfe1eb

[erigold13261]

>>:3 enjoy my happy headcanons

1. Mystery man's real name is Martin but Tatiana calls him Marty McFly when the two are alone

2. Sayu crew owns an DDR mashine and Sofa has the highest score out of everyone

3. EX-Jay play D&D together and recently BJ2 joined in

4. You better believe Neon is little spoon! I mean look at his partners prime cuddle material

5. Mayday used a preppy, cheerleader type girl Mama went through a gothic lolita phase and J loved dressing like a Victorian gentleman... Let's just say they don't talk about it a lot today, except J because of course he would

6. West and Eve meet up for Just Dance and chill, it gets intense sometimes with how dedicated these two are

7. Yiruk, Kayne and Dew got into trouble for a prank involving duck tape, mentos and Soda but not in the you think it would

8. Dodo loves Ena! he even did a cosplay once maybe even commission Remi for some of his OC's

9. Yinu watches Samurai jack with Orange! They think it's fun! ( J not so much because of the amount of robot brutally destroyed in the show)

10. Zuke dreamed of having a late night talk show when he was younger, think something similar to Eric Andre

1). I feel like this is a reference that is going over my head. But cool headcanon! Not what I imagine Mystery Man's name to be, but a good one to have! Tatiana being silly my beloved

2). Sofa and Dodo just having dance-offs where Dodo puts too much effort in and ends up just dancing a random dance and not even hitting the right buttons while Sofa is expertly dancing and hitting every button perfectly every time.

3). Pft, what a bunch of losers /j. I can see Noa being a DM and he regrets it almost immediately as he now has like 3 murder hobos in his campaign.

4). I like the idea that Neon switches but is big spoon most often. Or at least he wants to be, it can't be comfortable to sleep on a metal arm wrapped around you. But same thing with being little spoon, it would be difficult with his head and body. Not to mention DJ is probably not the most touchy person, and even though Mama likes spooning, it is difficult with Neon's metal body.

They try to use blankets or something to soften the metal, but it just leads to Neon getting overheated and very paranoid/feeling trapped. Which is another thing that probably stops him from being little spoon a lot.

Like I LOVE the idea, but unfortunately it has to be a conscious and awake cuddle session for spooning to work, otherwise if any of them try to sleep/nap, it will just end up bad for someone. But Neon switching a lot and being little spoon every so often is a very nice thought that I love1

5). Hmmmm, not how I see them. I like Mama as a flowey, pastel colored skirts and dresses kind of girl. And Mayday I could see going through a goth phase more than a preppy girl phase.

HOWEVER. Mayday trying to fit in and make friends so she pretends to be a preppy cheerleader kind of girl is something I see happening. It didn't make her happy but it got her some friends (who were fake but at least she wasn't alone).

For Mama, I can see her always wanting to try gothic lolita fashion (and for those who don't know lolita is a legit fashion and is different from lolis or lolicons) as it is super pretty and cute, but never having enough money for it growing up and then feeling too old to ever try it once she was an adult. I can see her finally getting to live her dream one day for a Halloween party where she dresses up in lolita fashion (and then does so more regularly every so often for fun).

As for Neon, yeah. I can see him going through a phase like that for fun. Especially if he and Martha were dressing up together. He hasn't dressed up like that for a while until Carna wanted to be a kind of Victorian noble person for Halloween one year which sparked Neon to try and wear more outfits like that at times. Especially if Carna was also dressing up to go out so fea wasn't alone in looking dapper.

6). I'm so sorry but "just dance and chill" made me think of netflix and chill lol! Those two would not be doing THAT hahah. But no, I can see them dancing together for exercise and to just bond.

7). Okay, at first I'm thinking they made a makeshift bomb (by accident, they were not thinking), but you said it's not what I think so hmm..... I can't think of anything other than taping a bunch of mentos into a duct tape ball.

8). Don't know much about ENA, but sure, I can see Dodo liking that media. Maybe even showing Eve since they both have split color designs or something like that.

9). Don't know if Maragold would like Samurai Jack all that much. Not because it was bad, but because Maragold wouldn't really be interested all that much. They would watch it with Yinu to be nice at least, and honestly I actually don't think Maragold would like the robot violence that much too. Carna would love the violence in the show but think some scenes are too slow and get bored with it too (I have seen very little Samurai Jack and it's been years so yeah, memory might be bad).

10). Also don't know anything about Eric Andre, so uh, yeah. I can see Zuke wanting to be a show host one day though! That seems like something Zuke would want to do at some point, but ended up growing out of that dream later down the line.

[sweetswesf]

Check In

What I Did

Responded to a post I was tagged in in the channel for the Black-male dominated professional engineering group I am in outside of work...was honest about what going through a layoff is like and how people should support people going through it and immediately regretted it

Got through 4 DAYS of 100 Days of Python in a day to catch up

Didn't work out...sat at my damn desk ALL day and neglected dishes and eating better and working out...all to catch up with Python

Received yet another request to meet with this CEO next week who made a random post about a podcast episode I did...I have no clue where it's going and why he has not given up on trying to meet ME after all these years, but we'll see...

Bumped my face against the cabinet door AGAINNN

Finished Alice & Wonderland finally a few days ago and couldn't help but draw parallels, pick out the themes, and cry when Alice slayed the Jabberwocky! "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"...that's what I'm going to do with these things I've been battling

online shopped for like 2 hours (I know...way too long) for back to back days because they're having a special: spend $150 and get $100...I'm very indecisive because I don't have much time to shop and don't want to do it often, and the stuff I buy tends to stay with me for YEARS...and I had a LOT of gift cards at Free People (THAT IS MY STORE!!!)...I bought these! Hopefully they fit, hopefully it was worth it...I feel like I keep trying with little pieces...one day, people are going to be sending me my designer wardrobes for free...these are going to hold me over and hopefully inspire me to the attract the opportunities that help get me there; I like comfortable, cute, unique, different things...with a feminine hippie undertone:

What I Learned

They say people will be more attracted to you the less they know about you, and for someone as open and vulnerable as me, this has been hard...I guess this is why I feel like this blog is so therapeutic: I can get my feelings out, have them read without knowing who the reader is and without the reader knowing who I am

Feeling

Dependent on my friend...I really look forward to meeting with her biweekly; she couldn't come to our meeting today and I felt a little sad...it made me scared because I'm so used to being left/made to look dumb

Accomplished...I've built Hangman, Rock, Paper, Scissors, and a few other things; I regretted starting the 100 Days of Python since I already know the language instead of going harder on the Algos, but I am doing it to get to the harder lessons on stuff I don't know and just to get faster with the language which will help me both in the algos and on the job eventually, especially since, I tend to lose my train of thought mid-algo sometimes...Like today, I figured out how to add recursion to my problem by accident, and recursion is really difficult for me...PLUS, I'm learning a lot of new tricks and resources I never knew of even in these beginning lessons...most importantly it's getting me up to work at my desk and reminding me that I can sit for long, knock out some Pomodoros and ...I worked more hours yesterday than I have in one setting all month...

My A1C levels are on the bridge for pre-diabetes...like if I was 0.1 over on my score, I would be considered pre-diabetic...so I need to get that in check...I was inspired to check by this healthy Black YouTuber Hallease and my grandmother has diabetes...that life is NOT fun...movement helps but it contradicts going hard on this interview prep stuff...I added the Pomodoro Gym Chrome extension to make sure I get up because my FitBit watch KEEPS giving me a rash...I hate it...

Glad I overcame the paranoid thoughts of having a brain issue...

Sad at all the time I've wasted in the past on social media procrastinating from doing the work and making things harder for myself

Glad I meet weekly with an old colleague...white girl gets me and we relate...but she reminds me of an old friend that ended up ghosting me and acting like she didn't know me...PEOPLE are hard to trust

Takeaways

I'm going to get better at this stuff

I'm not getting fat...looking in the mirror I see more definition in my body despite me feeling chubby cheeked in the Google Meets video

Going to start doing Advent of Code: 25 Python challenges in the month of December...happens every year since 2015...I attempted once and gave up after like a day; FINALLY found the name of it after reaching out to a mentor to me who helped me get ad revenue on my project from bootcamp

I don't judge homeless people who spend money on drugs or other non-essentials...it's a HUMAN thing to spend things on what feels good in the moment and lose sight of what the money is really for...we're all trying

I can't judge people who are laid off, collecting unemployment, or food stamps, etc.

I believe I am going through a lot of these experiences to become more humble and judge less

Taking this time to focus on building skills is a good thing...I'd rather do it now than when I'm too old...I saw another guy on LinkedIn leave his good job to do the same: train up skills as he knew he wouldn't be able to work and do both...I'm excited to see who I will become after I learn these skills

I don't like my gym crush anymore...I embarrassed myself trying to get his attention in the gym and it was like chasing down a child...I already attract attention being this short, bulky, Black girl amongst all the men on the weights level...I noticed his new neck tattoo of praying hands and it just read to me "irresponsible spending" and I know I shouldn't think that way because I just bought clothes when I have PLENTY of them already and nowhere to go...we all try...

I have to stop panicking and getting in my head

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut

Prayer; reminding myself that God won't leave me

Pushed myself to finish the coding lessons

Told myself that I won't be in this forever, I'm going to get better, I'm limitless, and me getting to the next level is predicated on MY actions

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals To Complete

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

250 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

Learn more about my gym crush & get him to ask for my number

Get a house similar to that one in Spain

Update my personal app

Complete 100 Days of Python

Complete Advent of Code

Decorate the plastic Christmas tree with the ornaments I HAD to buy

[dzpenumbra]

1/28/23

I started the day on about 6 hours of sleep, rushing downstairs to help my cat who was puking at the bottom of the stairs. She's been doing that a lot lately, it's... definitely concerning. I'm guessing it's thyroid related, it started a bit after we moved up here and I'm guessing that's right around when her levels swooped from a little too high to so low that she suffered kidney damage. I'm still very deeply hurt and upset by that. I feel like I should've tried alternatives to medication. But I really don't feel like going down that self-blaming road of thought right now. Not great for the depression.

She's laying on my lap right now. She puked again later in the evening too. She barely ate anything today. It's, of course, very worrying. We just went to the vet yesterday. Maybe it's the stress? Maybe something about rebounding off the massive Gabapentin dose? I don't know. I'm going to call the vet tomorrow if she doesn't eat her breakfast.

Last night, I left a note to myself pleading to keep the momentum I had yesterday and use it to get the compost, trash and dishes done. And not only did I do that, I also vacuumed. I'm really proud of myself for that.

I've been doing surprisingly well with executive functioning and shit the past week. Not... perfect, of course. But much better than normal. And I'm guessing that means depression and being in an... acutely trauma-activated state... are some of the bigger contributing factors to my "inability" to reliably get things done. Who knew, having space in my life from my family's neurotic hair-trigger self-defense systems opening fire on me and just dumping all their fear and stress on me was like... bad for my self esteem... and overall mental health... and keeping me in a state of being perpetually traumatized.

The serendipity of this is so surreal. I guess serendipity isn't the right word, that's got more of a positive connotation... It's more like I'm fucking cursed. Like I pissed off a gypsy at some point. (I feel like that's an offensive term, but I'm just keeping it in because I like the cadence of the phrase, Romani doesn't really roll off the tongue the same way, sorry if I offend, it's clearly not said out of hate). Let's track this back to... college, shall we? 15 years is a fair distance. So I moved to the college I graduated from so that I could be with my bandmate. We were a duo group, just the two of us. I was driving 2.5 hours to his place every weekend to record an album in his apartment, crashing on his futon and staying the entire weekend. I moved down to be around him. The first week of school, we got in a stupid fight. I had made a solo produced hip-hop mixtape, he wanted to help produce stuff for me, he made me a hip-hop beat that had Coheed's Welcome Home sampled as the hook. I... didn't like it. Simple as that. I didn't like it and I didn't want to use it. And because of that, he stopped hanging out with me for about a year and became best friends with the roommate I had moved in with, a "party friend" from high school. This friend, within the first month of the same first semester, came home to find me working on a large charcoal drawing on the only table in the apartment. He flipped out on me, and I mean big-time. I moved out and got my own place. Lost both of their "friendships" and ended up in a college where I knew no one.

I lived alone for a while and things went pretty good. My lease ran up and I decided to move. I moved into a renovated attic above someone's lake house with a girl who I had heard rumors had hard drug problems. We barely talked, which is a shame because in hindsight we probably would have been good friends if we got to know each other. One day I found brown powder and blood spots in the sink, which my paranoid brain immediately connected to heroin. Turns out it was likely makeup foundation and blood from my cat's flea bites, neither of which I had encountered in life before that time. But I dipped the fuck out of there, and... in my haste... moved into a former frat house with 4 other people. The place was a dump and one of my roommates there and his girlfriend were not just actual heroin addicts but dealers too. Yep, in my attempt to make myself safer, I moved in with the person who - if my at-the-time roommate was doing hard drugs - would've been her dealer. And one day I decided to play drums when I thought no one was home... and this guy - who we discovered later had a .22 with the serial number scratched off hidden in the house and didn't tell anyone... - chased me out of the house threatening and screaming at me. He chased me down the street to campus, and luckily my 6'6" neighbor was coming back from class and held the guy back from me in the middle of the street to give me time to escape. I spent the next week or so bouncing between crashing on my friend's couch, sleeping in the painting classroom, sculpture studio or student art studios, pulling all-nighters when those weren't possible, and sneaking in my window when everyone was asleep to feed my cat and change her litter. I still feel horrible for neglecting her then.

I escaped to a motel that was renting a room to the person whose couch I was crashing on, my then best friend. I guess. And I recorded an album there. I rarely left my room, I didn't really socialize with her and the other roommate. I nurtured a very deep crush on a girl I was in class with, who's dad was one of my art teachers. We had mutual friends, she was cute, seemed nice. She had a boyfriend. We got pretty close, we'd go out to dinner a lot after class. (Kind of a red flag, I guess? I dunno.) I moved out of the motel and to another apartment in a quiet town nearby, the crush moved into my old room. While she was there, she broke up with her boyfriend... then started hooking up with someone who worked at a Blockbuster, whose number she got when I took her there, like while I was there. (Red flag, I guess?) It was super uncomfortable. And short-lived. Not long after, I asked her out... she took a week to think it over (Red flag, 100%. Didn't take a week to think over Blockbuster dude, what am I, fucking radioactive?). That lasted about 8 months until I got kicked in the shin at a concert and got a blood clot. She broke up with me like... the morning after the concert, for some fucking reason. "A break" or whatever. Long story short, I got her to meet back up, she saw how fucked I was, she was in the ER with me when they wanted to amputate my leg. She broke up with me for real the second I landed back on my parents' property for aftercare. Like the day after I moved. I was still on pain pills, I still could barely walk.

Stuck at my parents place, in an area with no real social connections... I worked with what connections I had. My former roommate, the one that flipped out on me for the charcoal drawing. He was a former folk singer (very vain and egotistical, not particularly talented, but really played up his credentials) and was interested in getting into rap. I had an extensive history with production, writing, recording and performance at this point. I was open to collaboration. He was trying very fucking hard to mimic Lil Wayne and Kanye West, who I didn't really care for as much. Stylistically, sure, I admire their skill, but I never liked the subject matter of most mainstream rap, the shallow narcissism and anti-social materialism. I was much more into underground intellectual hip hop stuff, more existential, more poetic, more about like... life and existence and everyday things than like... gang shit, and violence, and money, and ego, and all that. Superficial shit. That friendship ended because I was explaining some lyrics from a song I had written about... 4 years prior? That I assumed he had actually listened to... and I was explaining my viewpoint on good and evil. He, I should add, was the son of a preacher (I think, I don't know titles), was the most womanizing of all the people in our social group, and ended up growing up to be a preacher himself (again, I think). I told him that, in my beliefs, you need to embrace the good and the bad. That evil has a place in the ecosystem of the world, and that good is there to counterbalance that. And vice versa. And he got freaked the fuck out and said he "saw the Devil in (me)". I remember that very clearly, he was sitting on my futon in my house and then left, it was the last time we spoke. Bless his heart.

I moved to a nearby major city for like 3 months and then moved back. My friend down there was not very interested in helping me figure out employment, only really getting into a band that he didn't actually commit to auditioning for. I guess the next real friend I had was my most recent ex. She told me she was recently divorced... and she wasn't. I didn't figure that out until like... months after I had flown half way across the country to meet her in person and stay at her (their) house. My skin is actually crawling thinking back on that. Like... ugh, such a gross feeling to have been ignorantly party to that shady shit. I felt so guilty, for soooo long for that. By the time I was told that she wasn't officially divorced, she had moved across country to a 3 bedroom house she couldn't afford half an hour away from me, you know... as people do... We were still just friends hooking up, the first time I had ever done that in my life, at like age 30. I just said fuck it and started dating her, I didn't know what else to do. She was like... my only fan, she liked listening to me talk about things I was passionate about, she was willing to learn and play games that I liked to play, we'd watch movies and TV shows together, it wasn't a bad deal. I wasn't really as physically attracted to her as I really think I should be in a physical relationship, but my self-esteem had never been lower and I just... honestly didn't think better really existed. I grew a lot from the relationship, but... let's just say that it was very toxic. And dating someone who is supposed to be living with you, but is also renting an apartment in the same town... and running off to it frequently? I really wish I could go back in time and just get Past Me off the meds that were fucking up my judgement and shake myself a bit and just go, "yo, dude, this isn't healthy and you really deserve to be treated better than this. And it's also super suspicious."

I finally developed the confidence to break free of that in 2017, and then dove right back into it like a month later. Then severed it for good in summer 2018. A week later, I found out that my childhood friend died, and that one of my college classmates had been murdered and my "best friend" whose couch I had been crashing on, whose child I was the godfather of had hid this from me for 7 fucking years, for "my own good". Existential crisis. Reached out to that same "best friend", got the "I have work in the morning" response.

I have told the more recent ones a few times. Needless to say, the story is pretty consistent here. I have just been dealt a really shit hand socially. And I often wonder... how statistically likely is this?! Like... it takes everything in my power right now to keep faith alive that there actually are good people out there. That not everyone, and even not most people are like the ones I have encountered. It's really fucking hard to believe. And it's really immobilizing.

Like... okay. Think of it this way. Because I do... Where is the incentive to go out and meet another person who is going to say "I'd love to date you, and I'd love to move in with you, but I'm going to need to rent my own apartment too and just run off to it all shady all the time. And pick fights with you to justify my 'escapes', too." Where's the incentive to make another friend that in 2 months is going to be telling me I'm "too needy" because I want to be more involved in their life. Like... this may seem like an extreme example, but this has been my entire social life for like... pretty much my entire life. This is what socializing is in my experience. I wish so fucking much for healthy friendships and a healthy relationship, I literally dream of them regularly. But I've really been struggling with... faith that this time, after 15-20 years of consistent crit fails, this time I'm gonna roll a 15+.

But I have to have faith. I need to. Because without the risk, there is no reward. Guaranteed fail if you never roll the d20.

I had to scroll up to even see how I got on this like... life history of being in really unhealthy relationships. It's because the isolation I've been in this past week has actually been better for my mental health than the social interaction I've had to work with. Yes, I freeze up a bit when I go to the vet because I haven't interacted directly with a human in a week. Yes, it gets weird in the hallways when I pass a human and don't know what to do with my hands. But I'm getting better at it.

I got Chinese takeout today, and I went to pick it up at the restaurant. And it was perfectly natural. And I considered just grabbing a seat at the bar and getting a drink. Which I haven't done in like... probably over 10 years... actually probably closer to 12 or 13 years. Maybe someday I will. Idk. Still a bit weirded out about being in close proximity to clusters of people, like I had a straight up full-on panic attack just standing in a subway car in NYC. Too many people, too fucking close to me. I've never really felt comfortable with it at any stage in my life, Covid gives me a good excuse to validate it. So, it's tricky.

I'm fucking exhausted. 3:30 crept up real quick. :( As negative as this post came out, today was actually a productive day. I just... I was going to stream Noita to test the Twitch Integration... and I didn't. I wussed out. I was afraid either no one would show up, which defeats the point... or just that high school kid would show up, which can get a bit annoying. Hopefully I'll brave it tomorrow.