#because I value my own mental well-being too much to stress over that shit

[gods-no-longer-tread-here]

getting mad at people online for writing fanfiction will not make real, living pedophiles stop assaulting real, living children. it will only make people dislike you. this is a very painful thing to learn when you are young and think everyone builds their personality around Gaining The Respect Of Their Peers, and that telling someone they're a bad person will make them be good in the way you expect, but it is something you must learn so you don't become isolated and miserable.

you are always allowed to block people, tags, and posts. you are always allowed to curate your experiences. you should feel in control of your feed on Tumblr. but you cannot accuse people of being evil because of their fanfic. you are not helping anyone when you do that.

[bougieblkbimbo]

what is love?

because i never truly felt it

sure my mom, dad and friends have told me they love me but i don’t feel anything

i learned early on as a black woman, nobody loves you,

your family’s love can be conditional,

your friends love can also be conditional,

and a lot of the men that say “i love black women” are bull shitters, they like that they can use us

people like to have black women around and not really value us as women.

people like that were strong,

people like what we can do for them,

people like our aesthetics,

but they don’t actually like us.

we get ignored,

forgotten about,

rejected,

used,

abused,

and the list goes on….

in my personal life,

i was only praised about my abilities and what i can bring to others such as emotionally, physical, and mentally,

i was only praised when i would bend over backwards for people to use, abuse, neglect , and suck the life out of me,

i was only praised when i was the “party friend” that people liked to hang around for a good time, but when shit goes down, y’all were no where to be found.

trying to make friends my whole life and being ostracized, and seeing how much easier others had it than me,

trying to live up to the standards of people around me and still not being “perfect enough for them” and every single thing i would try to do would be critiqued

trying to be as attractive as possible because of the beauty standards and how people literally don’t treat black women the same as other races of women and lighter women because they’re seen as more worthy of respect, kindness and care,

whereas i’m seen as the bitch you can disrespect, the friend you can take advantage of.

being a black girl that has never fit in my whole life,

im tired of living up to the standards that people want me to be.

people want me to be the type of black girl that’s a stereotype.

people want me to be a “jezebel”, that’s why they overseuxalize me because im apparently the definition of “pretty for a dark skinned girl”.

that phrase doesn’t mean shit. it just means you’re attractive enough to fuck but not really take seriously and be seen in public with and be seen as someone to actually be valued and respected.

people want me to have low self esteem. people expect me to settle for any person and build them up, stress myself out, and also waste my prime on someone because god forbid a black woman has standards. apparently because we don’t fit the eurocentric standards of beauty, and we’re seen and showed we’re “the last picked”, we can’t have standards and expect to be treated well, even though that’s the bare minimum

people want me to be a mammy. I gotta always be emotionally available to hear about boy problems, drama with your own friends, be the emotional support. But when i talk about my issues when i’m struggling and hurting, i don’t feel seen. i’m not seen. i’m gaslighted, people don’t understand, people don’t even really empathize with me because i’m a black woman. apparently not worthy of getting sympathy.

people want me to not be myself. people want me to only “culturally” be a stereotype and not an individual. Me liking country music means i’m “whitewashed”, me speaking in a “monotone” voice means i’m boring, me speaking to different types of people means “i’m trying to get rid of my blackness”. This has caused me serve identity issues. I’m too “different for the blacks” and “too black” to fit in with everyone else.

I love being a black woman but they way i get treated is exhausting

I’m sick and tired of feeling the pressure of being boxed into expectations,

i’m sick and tired of feeling alone and feeling like i’m the only one that’s experiencing discrimination and ostracization because of what i look like and people can’t understand,

i’m very sick of being shown by the world i’m not worth shit unless i can provide people things and isn’t that “too masculine” as some people like to refer to us as?

i’m tired of “doing” and i want to start “receiving” the treatment everyone else gets

[cultoftheswag]

I am suffering from a very bad episode of brain fog today but regardless I would still like to add my own experience as well as context to the screenshots provided by cata.

For starters, I used to be fangs fp (favorite person). I eventually had to cut ties with him for forcing me to abandon my other friends . The screenshots attached are back from that time. Another friend of ours posted a screenshot from a game night they had in a cotl discord server and because Pavi's name was visible , fang spiralled so badly that instead of putting down his phone and distancing himself from the source of anxiety (like the rest of us do , because the people that used to be friends fang are also extremely mentally ill but instead we get falsely accused of projecting our own illness onto his) he sent me over 40 messages on discord that had me so stressed I contacted his ex girlfriend at the time to notify his parents in case he tries to take any drastic action , as well as contacting me at 6 am on my real phone number twice through an encrypted number. And all of this over seeing someone else's username. He accused people of lying to him and conspiring against him by making a discord server to exclude him when said server had existed before even fang had joined the fandom and had even been a member of him at some point himself!!!

Fang you are certainly going to be reading this and I want you to tell you that you aren't am irredeemable monster as you like calling yourself, cause this would absolve you of any responsibility over your actions. You are a huge selfish asshole though that surrounded himself with the kindest people that sacraficed so much emotional labour until you pushed them all away. Being apart from you helped me realize that the reason I was your fp was because I was agreeable and would say anything you wanted to hear so you wouldn't feel triggered. Talking with you felt like I had to constantly walk around eggshells and shoulder all your vents so you wouldn't hurt the people around me until I couldn't take it emotionally anymore. And in turn you found other people to graphically vent , overstep their boundaries and only reach out to them so you can shit talk about how "wart thinks I'm too draining and I cannot vent to them anymore and they most likely hate me and they will leave me : (((((".

You've had so many people actively sacrafice time to specifically help. Cata was literally there for you advicing and we both urged you constantly to reach out and get professional help and not give up (this where the accusation that we projected our mental illness onto him comes from) , and not to mention all the other people on your dms that were also there for you . I literally talked you out of suicide. You had people from different countries and states reach out to you and help you , because you manipulated all of us to such a disgusting degree we got emotionally invested in you , despite how much it endangered us.

Seeing you publicly deny and reframe all this kindness that went into you is infuriating and disgusting. You literally violated one of my dearest friends boundaries and asked the for THEIR PREFFERED METHOD OF SUICIDE IN HOPES OF COPYING IT, CAUSED ONE OF MY OTHER FRIEND TO TEMPORARILY MOVE IN WITH THEIR PARENTS AGAIN BECAUSE OF IT AND ACTUALLY MANAGED TO HOSPITLIZE SOMEONE IN THE END. YOU SENT PEOPLE SELF HARM PICTURES AND DESCRIBED IN DETAIL WHAT YOU WILL DO TO YOURSELF OUT OF MALICE.

You're a fucking coward and instead of apologizing to the people you almost killed and the people you hurt and used , you had someone instead write Google doc to defend your image so people won't think of you as immoral and ableist and whatever else you are scared of . You value your self image above everything else . Cata wasn't stealing they were trying to break from an incredibly abusive relationship. Taking action to make you remove our names from your DNI isn't black mail when you literally had my fucking discord handle in there which is a violation of my own privacy. Also the last part about Kats au being problematic is such a snake-y move . It clearly reads as "no guys don't look at the other shit I pulled in private uhhh look at how bad an immoral this person is" . Mother fucker you are making romantic ship art of of two cult leaders . Do you realize in what fandom space you are ?? Something something what were you doing in the devil's sacrament.

I could include way more things fang has done but this getting too long .

beware of fang

Hey, im gonna say it outright and state that this is a call out. people get called out for being dangerous. fangs nearly pushed 3 people to commit suicide(including myself) and i had to be hospitalized because of him, so this feels justified. Im sorry if you disagree, ill keep it short and to the point If you’ve been a long time follower of his im sure you’ve seen his vague posts about his ex friends, the cotl tumblr community and “fandom drama” with little to no context behind it, other than various people appearing on his DNI. his vague nature in the posts is intentional, he doesn't want to let on that he was abusing his friends. Ive tried time and time again to write something but it never seemed right, like what he’s done to me and my friends wasn’t severe enough to warrant something like this, but it is and i don't want to let this go any longer, esp not when he has my friends, their names, usernames and literal contact information in his DNI list Over the last year ive been friends with fang hes been horrible. Hes never changed and refuses to acknowledge what hes done to his friends and how horribly he has hurt them, to keep this short im keeping this bullet pointy Here is his carrd, he has everything neatly outlined for yall to block on every platform Dont harass, dont contact. all of this is public information so https://web.archive.org/web/20240713073710/https://fanged-info.carrd.co/#boundaries

https://fanged-info.carrd.co/ Twit: FFANGEDD / narilamb_ / mewhenimsilly Insta: ffangedd / narilamb Tumblr: ffangedd / fanged-cotl / fanged-xeno Cara: narilamb Blusky: fanged / narilamb Itaku: fanged Artfight: FANGED Toyhouse: FFANGEDD Sheezy: fanged Discord & telegram: narilamb All the people mentioned have given consent Cw !!! abuse, suicide, self harm https://drive.google.com/drive/u/2/folders/1MLMOT-qvgrX-9NnUEgpl4AkEPfixy2wG

The drive is a bit out of date, as I logged it all before april. Hes posted more awful shit and vented to me again since then Feel free to request the letter i wrote to him, i might share it anyway because it sums up my thoughts on the matter If you want any additional context feel free to ask

Fang uses suicide and self harm threats to control and manipulate his friends, hes begged me for assisted suicide and when i refused to help him commit he begged in groupchats. He begged on instagram stories as well as twitter, so much so that his twitter for suspended for 12 hours. He has admitted to wanting someone to commit suicide with him and has previously formed suicide pacts and nearly followed through on one with a friend. fang backed out first. he continues to redirect blame. refusing to take accountability for his actions. He still blames his previous medications, his ex psychiatrist, his self diagnosed BPD & OCD, psychosis, and states of beings from disorders he doesn't have (claiming to be manic or sociopathic whilst not having bipolar1 or ASPD) fang blames his (ex)friends, claiming they were projecting their mental illness onto him when they were just reacting to his abuse, that they the ones in the wrong and that how they treated him/cut him off was vile and unfair, and believes that he never got real closure when he did. it just wasn't what he wanted to hear and now feels entitled to an apology from these people when all he’s ever done is traumatize and terrorize them. He describes the amount in which he has cut over pavi, wart and kat because what they put him through and how they traumatized him. The traumatizing actions were: Kat asking for a content warning, pavi didn't want to walk on eggshells anymore and blocked him without an explanation & wart blocked him after being emotionally abused for months Hes described how he would carve their names into his thigh and told me that he will carve my name into his skin when i leave too. He demanded wart and surf choose their “real friends” and cut off their community for him because fang hated that they were being “two-faced” and hanging out with “people who hate him” He would spend hours venting relentlessly and graphically in his friends DMs, demanding their time and attention and expecting immediate replies. His friends are not professionals and shouldnt be expected to be an on-call DIY therapist for him, for hours, without consent. Fang has said he is completely unwilling to self censor for other peoples safety He referred to me (and our friends) as a phone person, a voice, icons. Concepts he can talk. Completely dehumanizing everyone that cared about him even to their faces. He blames his ex friends for his poor mental health and has said he wishes they watched him commit suicide, he wanted his friends to be traumatized from this (as if they werent already.) When a friend posted a screenshot of a gamenight to tumblr he had a breakdown so severe and so dangerous for so long that several of his friends has to mute the DM to keep themselves safe from his verbal abuse and suicide/SH threats He doesn't care about how triggering any of this can be for someone and will subject anyone (including people in danger) to his “venting” He didnt care about triggering me and contacted me at the worst of my suicidality in january and exasperated the danger i was in so severely I had to be hospitalized against my will before I could commit suicide. 

Im honestly not entirely sure what to even think. he knew the severity of my suicidality. he knew I had been hospitalized for an attempt in 2022, and still he chose me, probably the most vulnerable of his friends at the time to vent that heavily too back in janurary Hes a dangerous selfish person whos proven over and over that hes not getting better and isnt willing to change, i honestly had hope when he slowed down his graphic vent posts and victim blaming on twitter and insta but he decided to say fuck all and get right back into his shit train of shame and misery. Heres a link to all of the screenshot, damning ones are in important bitz if you’re not interested in going through them all https://drive.google.com/drive/u/2/folders/1MLMOT-qvgrX-9NnUEgpl4AkEPfixy2wG in these screens alone he: admits to sending his cuts to his friends, threatens to cut if i leave, admits that he was doing to go through with a duel suicide and begged me for assisted suicide

warts screenshots v

full screenshots & complete context in the drive as for him claims that i was stalking him: i was scared, i was his friend. i tried so hard to be good enough and never was. the screens were a by product of confiding in my friends about what was happening and the drive was made to share w/ them i admit i prolly shouldve combed out some of it but, ykno also big phat apology for tagging cotl!!!!! only did bc fang has, please stay safe everyone, and thank you so much if you have read everything (the doc encase anyone was wanting it ! figured i;d just use tumblr regular posting method) https://docs.google.com/document/d/17QjXUEdQVd8c4GZS--vPo-xR3kgmoLl4ZmN3ROMutg0/edit?usp=sharing

[promiseiwillwrite]

Pain

Sometimes I hurt from being lonely, and I don't know how to ask for help.

It feels hurtful of me to ask, and better to suffer in silence than spread the pain.

It seems wrong to want attention.

It seems wrong to want comfort.

Especially if the trigger is overwhelm or stress.

I am supposed to be able to deal with it. I am supposed to know what to do, and to do it well enough to adult right through it.

I can push through it, but it is like a break pad with a hole in it. Metal on metal, screaming the whole time.

And it feels like it is never going to go away. I keep wanting it, and I keep having a lot of variance in my ability to convince myself that everything is right and okay in my life.

Sometimes I am a warm pool of trust, and everything is fine. I know I am loved.

But when I feel like this, it feels like I haven't heard an encouraging word in a hundred years.

I KNOW it is the mental illness talking. It is so Urgent and opressive. I KNOW it has me in it's teeth, and the best thing to do is distract until it passes. I know it's just that time of the month.

But god damn it feels so bad and real and familiar. This is who I thought I was, how I defined my reality for MOST of my life.

I was supposed to suck it up. I was supposed to ignore it, and figure it out on my own, and Never ask for help.

I have been trying to do the opposite. But I still haven't broken the insistence that asking is harmful. It still feels harmful. Or at least, potentially harmful. Plus, there's also guilt and shame in not asking, because it means I don't trust people, and it does no credit to others when I fail to ask.

And I still feel really gross when I DO ask. I am not in practice. It is how it was with spending money. I got over it eventually, but it took Years. And it was NOTHING to how awful I feel when asking for help.

Asking someone to spend time with me is terrible.

Asking for help at my Job is stressful.

Asking for anything I think is "unreasonable" is physically painful. I can't even Breathe it hurts so much.

The Moral OCD whispers "Attention should be paid intuitively by others without asking as an indicator of how much they care. This should be your metric for how much you are wanted by other people".

Is it wrong???

I know it is. This is just unhealed neglect, Screaming out of me, in response to loneliness, which triggers me badly.

And The genocide in Gaza is triggering me. Because those people need help. Badly, and they are being ignored.

And my Boss is nice, but he's not helping me learn my job's primary functions, so I am having to piece shit together on my own, even when I ask pointed questions, and I still can't know what I don't know, because I'm that new.

And I think my bar for "unreasonable" with my partner is set too far on the side of caution. I avoid anything I think might cause emotional labor for him, and I think that is wrong-headed of me.

I am constantly afraid that asking for anything is manipulative. I am Painfully aware that it places people in psychological pressure and discomfort to have to say "no."

And I have a hard time believing that people would want to say "yes." I think when they DO say yes, they are secretly wishing they hadn't, and resenting me for asking and putting them in that place at all.

So I ask my partner only for things that feel like Low or No stakes.

Except... Partnership really rather implies more balance than that.

I need to figure out a point at which I should start asking for comfort from R. Maybe even literally a number value on my pain scale, so that I just go ask for help if pain exceeds a certain point.

[jenomark]

Can i request an ideal type for all members? Like just your thoughts on what the members need please

Keep in mind that this is not truth. I'm not going to focus on the physical stuff, because physical preferences change all of the time. I'll just focus on what kind of person I think they need/want, or what I think they should gravitate towards more. 💚

Also, I answer these kinds of questions a lot, but my ideas do change. Keep that in mind, also.

Taeil: I think he would be so in love with someone whose personality is not unlike Haechan. Someone who ends up being the life of the party. Someone who cares about keeping other people happy and entertained. Someone with a larger than life personality to balance out his own. Someone to bring him out of his shell more (because we all know the real Taeil is a wild man, tbh). Someone extraverted and friendly. However, he'll need them to be serious when it's time to be serious. I also think he'll need someone that really understands his lifestyle, because I can't see him with someone not in some part of the entertainment industry.

Johnny: I think, when Johnny sees people, he wonders if that person will be a good marriage partner for him. There is something about him, to me, that suggests he's modeling relationships off of what he's experienced growing up. He'll need someone with a similar personality to him. It's not because he's vain, it's just that he wants things so badly to be fun and stress-free. So, with that said, their sense of humor has to be amazing. He is a leader type, but I think he'll switch to being a follower type when he finds his ideal type. He'll like it, too. I think he'll end up falling for someone not from his native country. Differences are interesting and cool to him.

Taeyong: Honestly, someone that can take care of him. He's not looking for a mother figure. He's not looking to be babied. I always get the feeling he just wants someone to take over for a while and tell him things will be okay. Someone empathetic. Judging by what he shows us, animal lovers are ideal. Don't laugh at how seriously he takes things sometimes. I think that would kill him. I always see him with someone mentally and emotionally strong. The opposite they are to him, the better. I can see him being interested in someone he works with, but I do think he's the type to get caught up in how people make him feel rather than how good they would truly be for him. I genuinely hope someone good and sweet finds him eventually!

Yuta: Someone who can deal with the intensity he dishes out. They have to be strong and capable, mentally and emotionally. They can't clash with his ideas or opinions, but they also can't back down. He'll be looking for someone who can keep up with him. I do think they would have to have a degree of goofiness to them, though. I don't think he's as serious as he can present himself to be. Someone charming. Someone that can hold an interesting conversation. Someone who makes him feel like home, if that makes sense. He needs to feel at ease in a relationship.

Kun: Someone focused and mature. He feels like someone who would be honored to find a partner just like himself. In a weird way, I think he would look at a reflection of himself and be turned on. However, I happen to agree with him on this one. Someone who enjoys what he enjoys would compliment him well. Someone affectionate and open to receiving his affection. Someone disciplined and wise beyond their years. Though, I do think they would have to differ from him somehow because he'll need someone to help him chill out. For this reason, I would probably place him with someone younger but mature.

Doyoung: Someone even more outgoing than he is. Extroversion. Someone he can learn from and follow. Someone that likes to cuddle and stay inside, but they can also go out and have fun. He's not picky at all. His restlessness makes him want everything and to experience everything at once, so his ideal type ends up looking like a million people squished into one. Personally, I would like to see him with someone mature. I don't want anyone that will be reckless with his soft heart. Someone he can sing with, I think. I feel that would be best for him, because I think it will create a tighter bond.

Ten: Since he knows people really well, he knows what is best for himself. I think he has a whole lot of qualities on a list that he wants. Someone artistic. Someone without an attitude. Someone that lets him live freely. They'll have to understand him, and they can't just pretend to understand him because he'll know right away if they don't. Someone gentle with him. Someone who sees his heart. Someone that feels like a soulmate to him. Someone who can live in the different world he's created for both of them. I think the person he goes for will be spiritual and creative and just everything that embodies Ten as a person.

Jaehyun: Someone pretty. That isn't necessarily a physical thing, because someone can be pretty on the inside, too. Someone who doesn't make him think or talk too much. He doesn't want drama. He doesn't want anything that is too hard. I do get the feeling that he likes femininity a whole lot. Someone who is private about their affairs but knows how to celebrate their own accomplishments. He'll need a best friend as well as a lover in that person. I see him with someone in the entertainment industry, but I think he'll always go for someone people least expect him to. Honestly, they might have to be a little weird, since his energy is a little offbeat.

WinWin: Ideally, I think he wants someone that excites him. Someone who acts one way in public and another way privately. Though observant, his attention sometimes isn't the best, so someone that thrills him would keep him interested. Whether or not that's good for him, only he knows. He likes giving support and likes knowing that they're pleased by that support. He has a lot of determination to do what other people do not want him to do, and I think that might translate into relationships. He'll probably go for someone opinionated and talkative. Someone that will let him spoil the shit out of them and treat them like royalty.

Jungwoo: His ideal type is someone just like him. For better or for worse, they'll have to know what he's like when they're with him. Someone clever is good. He likes mental games and likes to be kept on his toes. Someone that can teach him new things. I think he likes to be surprised. Outdo and outspeak him. On the flipside of all the chaos, he's deeply sensitive and probably needs someone who understands what it means when he's stressed. Someone patient, because he's not a person who opens up as easily. A good listener. Honestly, someone that isn't scared to call him out sometimes can't hurt.

Lucas: Someone who is fun enough for him to take his mind off of things. He has a lot of worries, so he'll need someone to take his worries and turn them into something positive. Someone dependable. Someone who has had shared experiences. Someone who understands everything he is not saying. For this, I definitely think he'll need someone in the entertainment industry. I think his ideal type reads a bit different from what he might need. There is a part of me that feels he has no idea what he really needs or wants. To me, he seems like someone who, right now, just wants to be loved.

Mark: Ambition and independence is a big theme. He needs a hard worker, first and foremost. They would have to give everything 110%. Next, he needs someone with similar values and morals. They, of course, don't have to see eye-to-eye with him about everything, because he's quite accepting, but he can't be with someone who doesn't believe in anything at all. Friendliness is good, but extraversion isn't needed. He needs someone devoted to him. Someone confident and sure of themselves. He'll need someone who can hang around when things get tough, which they will. I can't see him with someone too wild.

Xiaojun: Whether he wants it or not, ideally, someone who can put him in his place. He does need someone to guide him. He needs a boss, in a sense, but not someone too prideful to accept his love. He has a lot of love to give. I think he's addicted to people who are loud and crazy. He needs a big presence in a personality. He wants to always be stunned when this person walks into a room. Someone who likes to play and have fun. If they're too stuffy or serious, Xiaojun starts to change himself, and he doesn't want to do that. Whomever they are, I think his eyes will light up whenever he sees them.

Hendery: Someone sensitive. His ideal person is the same whether it's for a relationship or a friendship. He needs someone who thinks about the welfare of other people. Compassionate. Kind. Welcoming. Humor is a big need. If his person can't make a fool out of themselves, he's not likely to be interested. He wouldn't want them being self-deprecating, though. Someone who believes in and loves themselves is important. I think he wants someone to romance him rather than just him romancing them. The more I get to know him, the more I feel like he strives to be a really good husband for someone someday.

Renjun: I think he would fall so deeply in love with someone bubbly and cute. Someone a little extraverted, friendly, and probably a little annoying. Someone that makes him feel shy when he talks to them. Someone that can talk him down from a ledge. He has tendencies to be a little pessimistic, so someone optimistic is perfect for him. Whomever they are, I see them being small and sweet. A good listener. If they can do the things for him that he does for other people, he would be very thankful. For some reason, I see him wanting to date friends of his friends.

Jeno: I've always seen him with someone older. Not by too many years. I think, no matter what age, they would have to treat him as an equal. Ideally, his type would have the same interests that he does. He would love nothing more than to do an activity and for them to be truly happy about joining him. Someone caring. Someone kind. Someone that other people would call a nice person. He wouldn't want to be taken advantage of in any way. Therefore, someone with a fiery and self-serving personality won't work with him. He needs calmness and simpleness. He doesn't need your support, but he's touched if he has it.

Haechan: Someone who understands him. Don't change the things you don't like about him, but offer to help him grow. I say this a lot about him, but he definitely needs someone patient and compassionate. I think, if he had it his way, he would go for another singer/artist, but I don't think that's the best idea. I think he needs normalcy in a relationship, or it will have the tendency to make him depressed along the line. Someone very intelligent and clever, like, they have to be able to back up what they're talking about. Mental sparring turns him on. If you can play with him and not get hurt so easily, it's ideal.

Jaemin: Stability!!!! It's, like, his number one thing. He is self-sufficient all on his own, so if you don't add any stability to his life,there is no use for you. I think he looks at love in a very logical way. He just wants someone to share his life with. He wants what is his and he wants them to have what is theirs, but to also come together in a way that is mutually beneficial. Honesty is a must, because it's what he values in others. He'll probably need someone who isn't bossy or dominate. He's not someone who takes too kindly to being told what to do, to be honest. Someone wise. Someone intelligent. Someone low-maintenance.

YangYang: Someone that doesn't take themselves too seriously. Someone who makes him laugh a lot . I think, right now, his ideal type physically is very shallow and typical of someone his age (for the most part). The more important parts read like: "Someone my mom likes." or "Someone who makes me be a better person." I do think YangYang thinks a lot about what's on the inside of a person and how that affects him in the long run. He'll want someone kind and easygoing, someone that has good values and morals. Something also tells me he has this idea about love that can be very much like a fairytale. He can be very naive, so someone who knows what they're doing can only help serve him.

Shotaro: I think his ideal type list is miles long but he'll never admit exactly what is on it. His expectations are high, but realistic. He needs someone energetic, someone who wants the same things out of life that he does. Someone trustworthy. Someone intelligent and savvy about the industry. I kind of get the sense that he is picky about who he chooses to love, like, he knows exactly what he wants. I want for him to go for someone who looks tough on the outside but is really soft around the edges. I kind of want him to go for a dancer, but something tells me he stays away from all of that.

Sungchan: Someone he can help. Someone he can take care of, cherish, nurture, love for life. He has a really good and lovable personality, so I think he's going to attract exactly what he's looking for. He'll need someone bold, too, like, they have to match the fearless vibe he sometimes has going on. If they're bolder than him, it's a plus, because he sometimes feels like a coward. I can see them also being a little awkward, and I really think he's attracted to that awkward energy. He'll want his ideal type to make sense when other people look at them together. Someone chill and drama-free. I don't think he cares what kind of job they have or where they come from, just that they make him happy.

Chenle: When I think about it, his ideal type feels simple. He doesn't feel like someone who really needs much in life. The qualities he wants are basic things like: nice, fun, honest, loves him, doesn't like to argue too much etc. I think Chenle's main requirement is probably that the person loves and respects his family. I don't think he's too fussy. I can't see him with someone who likes being part of the spotlight. I think he needs a low key relationship where two people can flourish in each other's company. I do think he draws people to him that he might be so tolerant towards that he won't realize they're manipulating him. Either way, I think relationships are the furthest thing from his mind at the moment.

Jisung: Someone most likely older than him. It's not that he needs someone to lead him in life, just that he likes learning from people who have different experiences. I also kind of feel like he has a need to be taken seriously and seen as mature, so someone more experienced will do that for him. Someone who expresses their own emotions well and can see where his emotions are coming from. His ideal type would need to be best friends with him first. Building friendship is important to someone like him. If you pass the friendship vibe check, he's up to seeing where else it goes. I think he would be into someone artsy and cute, someone soft and kind. I wouldn't be surprised if he went and found himself a little weirdo.

[milkttea]

(bursts in like the Kool-Aid Man) I HEARD YOU WANTED AIZAWA AND FATGUM PROMPTS! Ok but seriously I love the idea of either of them seeing their S/O being kind and parental to their "kids" (Shinsou, Eri, and all of 1-A for Aizawa; Kirishima and Tamaki for Fatgum) and having the sudden realization of "oh fuck I love them so much???? Do I want to marry them??? Raise kids together??? Shit I'm in too deep"

YES YEEEEEESSSSSS OOOOO this is very good I like this very much, in headcannon format but long as hell lmao LETS GOOOOOOOO

Yeesh the balance is off here lmao my love towards Aizawa is showing 🖤🙈

Warnings: soft Aizawa and Fatgum, they love you very much.

- Both of you met while on a mission, standard villain holding hostages situation. You were in the business for a while at that point and were well known for your caring nature and acting motherly towards others.

- At that point he had a vague idea of who you were, but didn’t pay much attention until he found himself in trouble. He had been cornered by multiple villains and was in a tough situation that would be difficult to get out of alone. You noticed this while some of the villains attempted to cut off Aizawa’s arms.

- You jumped in with a shield protecting him as you used it to push back the villains and hold them while he wrapped them with his scarf. From then on he paid more attention to you.

- After the mission you asked him how he was doing and took notice of injuries he sustained and healed them. This led to a lengthy conversation and eventually you both talked more over dinner.

- That was around 4 years ago, Aizawa was still a teacher then, but because he expelled his students so often you never interacted with them much. So you can imagine how surprised you were when you came to greet him on a work day and saw a full classroom of students.

- Of course they all wondered who you were so you explained you were a Pro-Hero, but didn’t give any more details. Aizawa valued his privacy and you respected that.

- So that leads to you coming more and more to his class and helping him with the students when they get too rowdy, they’ve become somewhat of your kids if you were being honest.

- They would talk to you because Aizawa definitely wasn’t the best person to talk to about feelings, if dating him for 4 years has taught you anything it’s that his love language is physical touch and silent affection. He wouldn’t talk to you about your feelings but he will get you coffee at 3 am.

- It was another day where you decided to drop in to his class and see how they were doing with their training. As usual the class greeted you and you watched as they worked on their ultimate moves once again.

- Bakugou ever the walking time bomb, blew up boulders that headed towards the direction of Jirou and you went into action quicker than anyone else. Making a shield around her and holding back the debris as she looked in shock, as did everyone else.

- Moving the wreckage out of the way you immediately crouched down to Jirou and checked her for any injuries, after making sure she was fine you made your way to any other students that may be injured and helped them out.

- Aizawa was scolding Bakugou about being more careful with his quirk as he noticed you holding Kirishima’s face and softy healing some injuries from running through rock walls.

- His face softened before he hardened so that no other students would notice.

- ‘They would make a great parent— wait a minute.’

- Aizawa couldn’t believe his thoughts, he already had 21 kids, physically he probably couldn’t handle more.

- This didn’t stopped him from paying more attention to the way you interacted with the students, especially Todoroki. Lord knows he needed a parental figure in his life and you took that role with excitement, you would offer him advice and a place to stay if he didn’t want to be at home. You had a separate home from Aizawa in case you needed to lay low. 

- You would also feed him and be there for him when he had mental breakdowns and just needed someone to care for him. You really helped him get out of his shell and talk more about the problems he faced.

- Once everyone moved to the dorms, it was necessary for the teachers to move in to a separate housing as well. Not with the students, but far enough away that they would still be there if there were emergencies. 

- With that in mind, the students went to you more and more if they needed anything or just wanted to talk. This never stopped you from caring  for them and making meals for them, as well as just treating them like normal kids. Not heroes in training, not enhanced kids, just normal kids doing normal activities.

- The feelings grew more when he started training Shinsou, if possible you became more parental like and offering assistance and healing when needed. You still maintained a mentor-like responsibility but that didn’t stop you from taking Shinsou to get the necessary equipment with his parents permission and giving him meals to help him get stronger. He and Todoroki could often be seen trailing behind you like ducklings and doing whatever you needed or just sticking by you. The same went for the other students.

- They had their ways of coming to you for assistance and showing affection, you found it adorable, Aizawa found himself falling more and more in love with you and built his feelings towards you becoming an actual parent with him. 

- Those same feelings grew tenfold once Eri came along, she became a daughter to you both, as much as Aizawa didn’t want to admit it.

- When she woke up panicking at night you both would take turns calming her down and you would often hum songs from Disney to help her go back to sleep.

- Aizawa’s thoughts delved deeper and deeper and he fell more and more in love with you with each passing day. He wanted to marry you and raise kids together, raise Eri together. The thought kind of scared him, but it also excited him.

-  ‘I’m definitely in way too deep,’ he thought as he looked at you playing with Eri and Shinsou, one of his few days off training and he was spending that time with you and Eri, his self-proclaimed little sister, ‘but I wouldn’t change this for the world.’

- He spent time with you all day and with the kids thinking of how he was going to ask you to marry him and adopt Eri. He’ll stress over that another day, for now he was content being with all of you. 

- What else to start with but that this man is in love with you. He first landed eyes on you when you had been at the same restaurant during a break in your rounds. You both ordered the same thing and he struck up a conversation. At that point he didn’t know you were a Pro, your suit could shrink into a wrist watch, you figured if you passed as a citizen it would make it easier to find villains.

- He then got to know you better over the course of that short meal, a villain decided to interrupt your lovely conversation (it was about his favorite meal, very interesting actually) and you slapped your watch pulling out a glove that you used to blast the villain away. With the help of FatGum you both apprehended him and handed him over to the police.

- This lead to him finding out you were a Pro and you both left together as you put on your suit that you made yourself. Eventually you both got closer and you could be seen at his agency more often than not. You would work with some of his sidekicks with their costumes if they needed any help with technical issues or just improve them overall. 

- He eventually asked you out and you started dating from then on. It was wonderful and he would see how you cared for others and treat them with kindness (unless they were asking for a fight then you would end it).

- It was at this time he started to take on a high schooler as his sidekick, his name was Tamaki Amajiki and he was a very nervous boy. Poor thing had some serious anxiety which you 100000% understand. This business was hard and to maintain a good public image was hard as the citizens would criticize everything you do. This was a big fear to him as some would call him a nervous wreck and it didn’t help him.

- It was at this point that you decided to treat him to food and offer him some assistance with his anxiety, he learned to depend on you if he was feeling too overwhelmed and you would take him away to get his bearings. He came to see you as a parental figure and would confide in you. 

- This filled FatGum’s heart with glee to see his significant other and one of his sidekicks that he saw as his own kid get along so well. The feelings only grew once Kirishima joined FatGum’s agency. He was sunshine and you loved him so much.

- You would take the time to help him with training with your inventions as well as Tamaki. You always made sure to make all of them meals and give them food that would help them stay healthy and in the best shape. 

- Poor FatGum’s heart couldn’t take it, he was so happy to see you be a parental figure to these boys. He thought of them as his own kids and to see you extend that same feeling to them just made him so so happy and he loved to be with all of you unless he was busy. 

- He fell more and more in love with you each day and he honestly planned on marrying you, with how hectic both of your lives were at the moment, he could wait, so for now he was happy with the little family that had been made.

[chipper-asks]

Any tips on how to grow your own blog by chance?

Aah man I've written a response to this kind of question many times but I always delete it because I'm afraid of coming off as self centered or arrogant, but I definitely have some tips on what works and doesn't work (on tumblr.)

I will say that I never believed I would get to the "Big Fandom Artist" stage. I've seen people drop my name in conversations or descriptions and just assume other people know who I am and that's still incredibly wild to me. I never really pushed to get a big blog it really just happened.

But! I do have rules and personal guidelines that might help if you are thinking of actively building your blog!

1: Keep personal information and vent posts to a minimum

It should go without saying that its not a good thing for your personal information to be on the internet. Once its out there its near impossible to erase. This is for your own safety.

Vent posts give out more information than you might think, but also some people who are following you may be going through difficult times themselves. I go on the internet to get away from my stressors and problems and i've specifically catered my dashboard to reflect my desires. I have no doubt others are the same.

I've unfollowed mutuals because they vented too frequently. I enjoyed what they made! But it stressed me out to read their vent posts because I couldn't help. I realized it was taking a toll on my mental health and I made the tough decision to unfollow.

It is very tempting to vagueblog because its nice getting out all the angry feelings, but a blog with thousands of people following it is not the place to do it.

2: Shitpost vs Quality Foley

I could go into a massive essay on this alone (ive even written out an outline already) but i'll keep it as brief as I can.

Throughout my time on Tumblr I’ve seen a number of posts of artists complaining about the lack of notes on their serious work compared to the abundance of notes on their shitposts.

This is because Tumblr IS a place of shitposts. It's like squeezing a clown nose and expecting it not to honk.

However! It's more complicated than that and i've broken it up into four parts organized by importance.

A. Relevance/Meta: Is it something that people are already familiar with? Is it something that's currently going on?

People want to enjoy things they're already familiar with. For example, people getting into Hollow Knight are more likely to follow a blog that posts HK content regularly over a HK blog that posted a picture of Grimm once and then is full of original content. It's not that people don't like your original stuff, its just not what they're looking for.

If you like striking while the iron is hot, meta jokes are the way to go. Making references to games like Among Us during the height of its popularity for example would get you lots of notes.

B. Hilarity

Is it funny? Does it subvert expectations?

Shitposts will always be more popular than a well drawn post. People like to laugh and share things that laugh. A cool, well drawn post is more often than not met with a "hm, cool. scrolls down."

This is a polished comic I made 10 months ago. I'm very proud of it and i'm pleased with the amount of attention it got. It took me 2 days to finish.

This is a shitpost I made 3 years ago that I still haven't been able to top. It took me 30 minutes to make.

That's not to say a well drawn post can get popular! It's just that people enjoy a good laugh over something shiny. This is a factor of knowing your audience. Some things land better than others and you'll be better off if you just roll with what you get.

I will say tho I appreciate the people who reblog my oc posts 200x more than people who reblog my shitposts and fanart. Those are quality followers and you must cherish them.

C. Appeal

Is it cute? Is it fluffy? Is the design easy to understand? Does it make people emotional? Is it angsty? Is it relatable?

People like cute shit. People like things that make them hurt (albeit not too much). People like things that they can see themselves in.

D. Skill

There is some merit in being good at what you do. People do like funny things more than shiny things, but shiny things are cool too.

If you post things that are funny? You're normal horoscopes.

If you post things that are well drawn? (its really telling that I can't think of someone right off the top of my head)

If you post things that are funny AND well drawn? Well then you're iguanamouth

3: Know your boundaries.

There's a difference between being understanding/tagging things correctly and catering to people who want you to be someone else.

I know that many people get upset with others who gender the vessels in Hollow Knight. While it doesn't bother me, I can recognize the misgendering of vessels as a source of dysphoria and I tag accordingly.

If someone comes into my inbox and tells me to stop drawing a character because they're "problematic," I'm just going to block them and go about my day.

4: This is your blog, its your rules.

I'm apologetically myself on my blog. I post what I want and what inspires me. The reason why I have so many AUs is because its my blog and I like AUs. If a large portion of the fandom doesn't like my AUs, its their loss, I make great AUs.

In fact, its just a good mindset in general to have. If some people don't like what you make, its not your problem. It makes you happy and it makes hundreds of others happy then continue to do what you do. It's impossible to have a large following and not have someone who dislikes you purely out of spite.

Make stuff for yourself, not because you want numbers.

5: Don't feed the trolls.

If someone sends you hate, take a picture of it, share it with your friends, laugh, block the person, delete message, move on with your life.

It's really fun to feed the trolls, but feeding trolls attracts more trolls and soon its not fun anymore. Just laugh when you get your first anon hate, maybe frame it in your room, and don't even acknowledge them with a "fuck you."

6: Recognize your position.

This is more advice for when you do get a big blog. You get to a point when you realize you have a portion of your audience who value much more than a regular human being and are willing to take up arms for you.

Do. Not. Weaponize. Your audience.

It's incredibly shitty and can ruin peoples lives.

7: Post Frequency/Schedule

Now this is one I can't do. It's normal for me to become incredibly active for 2 weeks and then end up posting nothing for a month. I don't have the patience to build up a queue of new things.

However! If you have more discipline than me, posting daily or twice a week builds up anticipation for your next post. You're dependable and people have the chance to look forward to seeing something from you on their dash on Friday.

Thats all I can think of so far.

There's no TL;DR you'll miss my important advice within these tips.

[colorseeingchick]

Crushing On You (Kirishima, Tamaki, Toyomitsu (Fat Gum))

Ion know bout y’all, but I consistently act weird around my crushes. That being said, I also can NEVER tell when someone has a crush on me (although I’m told its obvious). So let’s commemorate that, shall we? 

A/N: This one is dedicated to the lovely @kirislut​. She passively told me to write this and I was like yeah! And then proceeded to take 2 months to do it *sigh*. But yeah stan her or face my wrath >.<

Warnings: None! It’s fluffy. Y/N is written to match the age of the character (so a first year for Kiri, third year for Amajiki, late 20s for Fat). 

Kirishima Eijirou (xBruh!Y/N)

Kiri would be crushing on you for a long time before he even realizes he’s crushing on you. 

You would be a part of the Bakusquad,  and you also made an effort to stand up for yourself against Bakugou, and something about that really got to Kiri. 

You were somehow so *manly* while also so hot AND cute? Damn, how do you do it? 

Not that he understood that he saw you in such a light.  

Because Kiri doesn’t realize he has a crush on you, he wouldn’t necessarily be super blushy or flustered at first. 

When around you, he’s showering you in compliments.

When you aren’t around, he’s constantly bringing you up in conversation. Every conversation. With every single person. 

He would also team up with you to tease Bakugou.

And you already know that if anyone had anything negative to say about you, then he would stand up for you in a heartbeat. 

He really admired you, to say the least. He loved being around you. That was all (he thought).

That is, until the bros™ decided to give him a talk. 

“So..Y/N?” Is all Sero would say. 

And obviously Kiri smiled at your name, but didn’t know why they were bringing you up. 

“Are you gonna ask them out anytime soon? If you wait any longer I might just do it myself,” Kaminari tries to playfully nudge Kirishima into understanding. 

“Ask them out???” Kiri is now in shock! Because where did this come from!

That being said, his face also got as red as his hair, and the thought of you hugging him or staring back at him felt like a really pleasant idea all of a sudden. 

“Oi, shitty hair, don’t tell me you don’t recognize your own feelings. Are you really that much of an idiot?” Bakugou asks, his tone irritated and disinterested.

Although, he’s kinda invested in seeing you two get together at this point. The whole squad was. 

And then it hit the man like a truck. 

Shit! I have a crush on the coolest, strongest, most amazing person I know. 

After this point, he doesn’t know if he’s ready to ask you out yet. But he definitely starts acting differently. 

Usual shoulder leans and elbow nudges now make him feel like Kaminari was electrocuting him.. 

Any compliments you sent his way would cause Kiri.exe to stop working.

And your smile would make him feel starstruck. 

It was a breaking point when a school sponsored dance came around and you showed up looking like a WHOLE SNACK in the most elegant dress/tux/(whatever badass clothes you wanna be rockin). .

Kiri straight up would not look at you. He fully refused to turn his head in your direction, which was hard because the Bakusquad decided to spend the whole time there together, which meant he wasn’t leaving your side. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Bakugou was so confused (I mean same. Kiri THEY LOOK LIKE A SNACK why aren’t you basking in their glory jeez).

“SHHH Bakugou. It’s not manly to stare…” 

Kiri was worried that he would ogle you into discomfort, jaw dropped and eyes wide because his heart would burst upon looking at you for too long. 

In turning his head, he didn’t notice Kaminari and Sero approach you, whispering into your ear.

It was only when you came up and tapped him on his shoulder that he turned around and looked at you, you smiling at him. 

“Hey Kiri, do you wanna dance with me?”

Hey would pause, because he was really flustered, but then he would flash his huge toothy grin and gladly take your hand, pulling you onto the dancefloor to dance with him into the night. 

BONUS: While dancing with you, Kiri would only look at your face and refused to look at your feet, causing him to stumble a couple of times. 

And naturally, you would ask him about it. 

He would blush but explain, “I didn’t want you to think that I was staring down at your body and making you uncomfortable…”  

WANDERING EYES ARE NOT MANLY! change Kiri’s mind. 

You would laugh and respond, “Hey, if you need to look at our feet to make sure we don’t trip, I don’t mind.”

But you would then pull close to him, wrapping one hand around his neck and speak quietly into his ear-

“And if you wanna look at the rest of me while you're at it, I wouldn’t mind that either.” 

Kiri.exe has stopped working once again. Good job Y/N! 

Amajiki Tamaki (xGentle!Y/N)

Tamaki would have a crush on you after being your friend for a little while. 

Like at first he was super nervous around you because people are nerve inducing and scary (I feel ya buddy its ok).

Over time though, you guys became closer friends. He realized how gentle and sweet you were.

You would spend a lot of time together, studying, going to get food, and training together.

You also would spend late nights together, especially when one of you was stressed or having a panic attack. You kept each other safe. 

It wasn’t a surprise to Tamaki when he found himself wanting to spend more time with you. 

It didn’t shock him that he loved looking into your eyes. 

He felt himself, and watched himself, fall in love with you. 

But despite that, he wasn’t really as awkward about it as you would expect him to be. 

Your entire relationship had been very wholesome and close from the start, and because he was aware of his feelings from the get go, there wasn’t any real shock. 

Ultimately, you were his safe space, and he would rather not compromise that by bringing his emotions into it. He was content to love you from a bit of a distance. 

In a non creepy way, he loved to watch you. He knows looking at people you love or feel safe with is a really good way to calm anxiety and ground yourself, and that’s what Tamaki does all the time with you. 

Just watch you work or eat and laugh. It was enough to keep him together. 

And the times you told him “I love you” made his heart soar, even if he knew it was platonic.

He also had a journal with writing in it, where he would write small notes or lines about his thoughts. Many were about you and how pretty you looked when you came to his room in PJs when you couldn’t sleep, or how happy you were when you down a bowl of ramen, or how-

You get the idea. 

 Though he was content with accepting his crush on you, nothing could have prepared him for how you found out. 

You both had been working together in his room. He was working on some homework while you were studying for your *least* favorite subject, math.

So you ask if you can see his notes to help you understand better.

“Yeah. It’s the first one on my shelf. Its the most recent pages.”

What he forgot was that he had moved it into his backpack and the nondescript notebook that sat first on his shelf was his journal. 

While he kept working, you opened to try and figure out how integrals worked, but instead were met with a cute doodle of your face with a heart next to it.

The line above it said, “On a cold day, y/n’s smile keeps me warm.”

It was oddly poetic, a lil sappy, insanely heart tingling but cOMPLETELY out of left field because- what? This was definitely NOT integrals.

“Tamaki, I don’t think this is the right book…”

He looks up and his face drops in horror as he sees you with his journal, your eyes dazed and unsure.

“O-oh! I’m s-s-so s-sorry I-”

He trips off his bed and runs right up to you, tugging the notebook out of your hand and pulling it to his chest. “This isn’t how I meant for you to f-f-find out I have a c-crush on you-u.” His eyes are glued to the floor. 

“...Tamaki, you have a crush on me?” You ask, in a calm (but very shocked) tone. 

His eyes shot up, wide, and he scrambled through the notebook to see what you read. It was just the doodle and one line, but if you had flipped a page back, you would have seen a long rambling explaining how much he liked you.

But, you didn’t flip a page back, and instead, Tamaki had 100% exposed himself. 

“Y/N I’m s-so so sorry you probably think that I’m a creep now I swear that I really value our friendship and I don’t mean to ruin it so you can just forget about this and-”

He went on for a while, lost in his words and slowly falling apart while you were trying to process what you heard. 

He had a crush on you too? What a relief. You wish you realized sooner! But better late than never right?

Now for how you were gonna calm him down.

On instinct, you wanted to jump on him and kiss him till he couldn’t breathe, but that would probably freak him out more than anything else. 

So you just do what feels right. 

“I really hope you don’t hate me or think I’m weird you just really make me feel complete and peaceful and I never meant to-”

You reach out and gently take hold of one of his hands, pulling it to your face, and softly kiss his knuckles. 

He stops rambling and looks like a deer in headlights as his face ignites into a bright red. 

“WHY DID YOU-” 

“Shhh.. Tamaki… I like you too, okay? I like you a lot. So please calm down.”

What a roller coaster for this poor boy. “Y-you don’t think I’m obsessed with you?”

“I don’t! Well, if you’re obsessed with me, I’m just as obsessed with you, so its okay!” 

You smile at him and he blushes, hiding his face into his shoulder, his hand still sweetly entangled with yours. 

“I, I’m glad,” he manages to get the words out after a few seconds.

For the first time in the history of your relationship, Tamaki was a flustered blushy mess with you. 

“Cmon Tamaki, we have more studying to do!!” You want him to mentally gather himself, so you take him back to his bed, hands still intertwined. 

BONUS: After failing at studying, Tamaki laid down on his bed and stared at the wall, failing to nap, while you were sitting at the foot of the bed.  

His mind was racing. 

“We like each other, but we haven’t talked about it since that moment… What if things are going to be awkward? I don’t want it to be what should I-”

The bed dipped down behind him and an arm snaked up around his torso. His back was pulled against your chest. 

“Is it okay if I take a nap with you, sweetheart?” You ask in a lazy and sleepy voice. 

His heart fluttered at the nickname. “Yeah, of course.”

“I’m glad. I love you, Tamaki.” And with that, you nuzzle into his back and fall asleep. 

And with the feeling of your arms and your stable breathing, he realized you were still his safe space. And with that he was lulled to sleep. 

Toyomitsu Taishiro (x Foodie!Y/N)

You’re assigned to represent your agency for the team-up with Fat Gum’s agency.

When you rolled in, Fat Gum didn’t take much note of you at first. 

But when you intensely fawn over takoyaki during lunch break on the first day, he felt like his eyes were being reopened and he was seeing you for the first time. 

Love at first meal!

Though he initially found you attractive because he shares his love of food with you, he slowly found himself loving everything about you. 

You’re a lighthearted person, with a big heart and an even bigger appetite.

You brought a lot of joy, and that was energy Taishiro could never get enough of.

He knew he was a goner when one day were pranked by one of his Agency members, got caught off guard, and ended up jumping at him. 

He caught you and held you (cuz hero instincts obviously), and in that moment you couldn’t help but hug him out of fear (and because he’s SO CUDDLY REEEEEE).

But that’s enough for him to realize he wants to hold you more. And often. 

Yeah he’s whipped okay.

He definitely tries to keep it professional! And not *overtly* flirt with you.

But he brings you food literally 2 or 3 times a day. 

That may sound like a lot, but given its Fat Gum, it came off pretty innocuous at first.

He’s also really observant, so he picks up on what type of foods you really like. 

So he very often pulls up with your favorites, which always makes your day better. 

He also tries to give you some of his favorite foods, and days you like his favorites were the best. 

He was living his best life watching you be happy, even in a professional setting. 

Fat Gum finally came forward about his feelings for you after a mission went awry. 

It was supposed to be an information retrieval mission- simple get in get out. 

You, Fat, and Sun Eater were going to be working together. 

Fat would guard, Sun Eater would infiltrate and restrain, while you would obtain necessary documents.

That plan is sabotaged the moment you realized the League is also present- when they definitely were not supposed to be. 

Before you can process this shocking information, a knife is being plunged into your stomach. 

Toga smiles down at you- “pretty blood from a pretty person, I’m sorry I can’t help myself.”

She jumps back when Sun Eater sends an octopus arm at her. 

He grabs you in the process and pulls you back, where Fat is now standing by his side, eyes wide in horror. 

He takes you into his arms, and the last thing you feel is being held against his fluffiness before blacking out. 

When you wake up, you’re in a hospital bed, Recovery Girl on one side of you, and Taishiro on the other, in his skinny form. 

Evidently, he had beaten most of the villains to a pulp, but the League had dipped before he could do much more damage. 

But after that, he had carried you to the ambulance and hasn’t left your side since. It’s been half a day. 

“Fat Gum…” 

“Hey do me a favor and call me Taishiro, okay?” He asks you very gently.

“Tai-shiro…” Oof his heart skipped a beat at hearing you say his name. 

“Taishiro, the mission…”

“Shhh it’s okay. There’s an interrogation of the villains that we captured going on right now, and Fourth Kind’s agency is following up on our leads. We did our job for now.”

“Are you okay? Amajiki-kun, is he okay?”

“We’re both fine. Some scratches on him, a lil fat lost for me, but we’re okay.”

“Taishiro...The agency, why are you here? You should be there running the ag-”

“I want to be here with you. That’s why I am here. I trust my assistants to cover for me right now.”

“That’s very nice of you, but I still don’t understand why…”

“Because I like you. I like you lots, Mx. L/N.  I know our relationship has been professional, but seeing you injured was something I didn’t…. I care a lot and I couldn’t find it in myself to leave you here alone. I hope our relationship can stay professional and friendly though, I really enjoy spending time with you.”

Recovery Girl looks back and forth between you two, eyeing your shocked face and his determined, serious one. 

“I’ll be back to check on you in an hour, Y/N. But I’ll leave you two alone for now ~~~” 

You paused, silent. The longer you stayed silent the faster his heart began to race. 

Suddenly, you sit up, placing weight on the heels of your palms. 

“Y/N you’re still injured what are you-”

It's your turn to cut him off, grabbing his jacket and yanking him towards you with your left hand.

Your right hand going to wrap around the back of his neck,

and your body falls back, 

Caught off guard, half standing, and balance lost, Fat’s upper body is now looming above yours, his hands planted on either side of you.

His eyes are wide, and your hands on the back of his neck are warm.

“I’m sorry, Taishiro… but I don’t want this relationship to stay just professional. So can I kiss you?”

His heart flutters, and his classic grin spreads across his face as he closes his eyes and let’s his face close the distance between you two. 

BONUS: You and Fat Gum decided that you didn’t want to tell people that you had started dating- the news would take it and make it a public affair. 

But you decided to leave it up in the air for your agency to figure out. They were your friends after all. 

The first to catch on was Amajiki, but he stayed quiet. 

But the new recruit Kirishima wasn’t as quiet about his suspicions. 

When he walked in to see you hug Fat Gum, he didn’t know how to react. 

You both seemed fine and acted as if hugging was a perfectly normal thing he shouldn’t be surprised by. 

You say goodbye and pat Kiri’s head on the way out. 

The last thing you heard was a loud scream, followed by a “Fat, you and Y/N are dating?” 

Yeah! Cat’s out of the bag.

[masterthespianduchovny]

Some people gon be mad at me, but I gotta say it...

Some Scully fans don't understand Scully or her relationship/feelings with/for Mulder.

Scully's relationship with Mulder is this utterly pure thing that is grounded by how much she genuinely cares, respects, and supports him as a person. When you understand Scully's perception of Mulder in this view, seeing her as some long suffering woman doesn't make any sense.

Most of the time Scully sacrifices or choosing Mulder isn't based on romantic feelings, it's based in moral and ethical values and what she holds important. The show sets this up early.

In Squeeze, Tom asks "who's side are you on" and Scully says, "the victim."

This coincides with the side Mulder is on.

Tom was obstructing the case due to his on bias and hatred of Mulder. Despite Mulder's pettiness, Scully understands that Mulder will always prioritize the victim. She chose justice (Mulder) over pettiness (Tom).

When Scully declines a second date with the single father, she's choosing knowledge and curiosity over romance and her personal life.

Interestingly enough, Mulder never asked her to choose him. He's always asked her to be honest about the truth, but he never put her in that situation to prioritize him over her own professional goals or personal life. In fact, he would've understood if she did and said as much.

So when I say some Scully fans don't understand Scully, I'm not being insulting or intentionally rude, I'm saying they're overlooking small character moments that inform her characterization throughout the series.

Scully was not only a workaholic, she LOVED her work. And there wasn't just an obligation to Mulder, it was to the victims as well. I often think about how in this universe, if Mulder and Scully hadn't investigated these cases, either no one would've or it would've never been solved. It must've been something Scully also thought about as well.

Scully mentioned a few times that she joined the FBI to make a difference. Not for prestige or make a name for herself, but to make a difference. She didn't throw away her career for Mulder, she was exactly where she wanted to be. Those other cases handled by mainstream agents were always going to be investigated and solved (if possible), but x file cases?

There's a reason Mulder was called from bumfuck, Kansas or backwoods, West Virginia. There was no one else. Her and Mulder were the only two who took these things seriously.

But also, Scully genuinely genuinely cared for Mulder. Not because she wanted to fuck him, thought he was hot, or really wanted to date him. She enjoyed him as a person. Like truly. After working with him, understanding this beliefs, and meeting many victims, the x files became her passion project too. She attached herself to Mulder because there was no one alive she respected more than him. Someone who stood by their convictions regardless of what others thought to the betterment of people besides him.

He had his flaws, but the great parts of Mulder truly outshined the worst parts of him.

People often overlook how much the x files and her experience changed Scully. The deadpan, straight to the point Scully we know and love came to fruition in season 5. Believe me, I checked. Remember, Scully used to be goofy, open, and free. Then she was abducted, given cancer, kidnapped, sister killed over mistaken identity, etc. That changes a person.

But none of this is Mulder's fault. Mulder changed her in the best way possible. He opened her mind up and challenged her--it was intellectual. Those other things I mentioned made Scully pull within herself and close off. It made her guarded. So suffered so much emotional and mental and literal physical trauma.

As a result, her social interactions changed.

As a reminder, she became a workaholic because of her passion for the x files and she enjoyed it. Then to add on to that, her work was wild as hell, hard to explain, and some of it classified. Scully lived such a unique experience that regularly interacting with others would've been frustrating, exhausting, and her having a sense of feeling misunderstood. And dating would've been a minefield.

Thing is: Scully didn't mind this change to her life. This isn't to say that Scully didn't want or have any friends, it's to say that she didn't strive to have a booming social life nor did she care. Again, she VOLUNTARILY became a workaholic and threw away a normal life for paranormal shit. Someone who does that isn't trying to meet friends for happy hour on Friday or planning to have serious relationships any time soon.

Not only that, some people live lives like this right now and have incredibly fulfilling lives. Some people just work and have one or two friends and they're living their best lives. The idea that just because Scully doesn't have an active dating life and a circle of friends she regularly talks to means that her life is dour is so flawed.

Scully's eventual dissatisfaction with her life was rooted in her believing she should want things that she didn't want. Scully could've walked away. She could've said enough, instead she kept finding reasons to stay because she wanted to be on the x files. And it's quite clear that you can't work on the x files and have a normal life. She didn't want both, she wanted the life that she chose.

At that time, Scully was unable to articulate just how much she wanted to be with Mulder, which is why she positions, "Don't you want to get out of the car?"

She wanted moments of normalcy with him.

And it isn't just because Mulder gets that life because he lives it, its because Scully is actually in love with Mulder for who he is. She's seen Mulder at his best and at his worst and loves every part of him.

Whatever feelings Scully had for Mulder in the past that she pushed away, she couldn't do it anymore. She loved Mulder in a way she couldn't put into words. It was the truest feeling she ever felt, the most sincere thing and she hadn't realized it yet. Then, when she does, it takes them time to get there because Mulder is literally the most important person in her life.

Which seeds were planted back in season 2. In "Little Green Men" (I think), the thought of not working with Mulder saddened Scully because it meant she wouldn't get to see and talk to him. Mulder made a huge impression on her and became important to her very quickly.

So imagine 5-7 years down the road...embracing this feeling and the thought of losing Mulder if things went south would've been devastating for Scully. She wouldn't lose just a partner, she'd lose a best friend too.

Because she genuinely cared for him and he's her literal best friend.

The love Scully feels for Mulder surpasses known definitions of romantic love because her feelings aren't centered in that. She loves him on levels that most people can't imagine. Scully cares for Mulder so much and she shows that by listening to him and protecting him even if Mulder doesn't think he needs protection. She validates him and doesn't trivialize his beliefs even when she doesn't agree with them. It doesn't matter who the person is, Scully will always go to bat for Mulder because he only ever had himself and he needs to someone to say "hey, you're not alone and you're taken seriously."

I bring this up to say, the idea that Mulder doesn't deserve Scully when Scully clearly wants him is flawed. The idea that Mulder should be lucky that Scully "puts up" with him is flawed. The idea that Scully would ever tell Mulder as such or anything resembling (and stressing how she could've been happy with this perfect other man) is flawed. Those first two things are categorically wrong and the last is something Scully would never do because she loves Mulder and that is harmful. Scully would never tell Mulder something that would harm him or that she believed could.

All Things is so pivotal because Scully stops concerning herself with what she believe she should want and embracing what she actually wants: investigating x files and living an unconventional life with Mulder.

Scully wants that.

Not dating around, girls night, or frequent intimate get togethers with her family. She wants to investigate haunted houses on Christmas Eve and discover invisible bodies and help victims find justice.

After her and Mulder get together, she's committed to him. She waited so long to be with him that even while he was in hiding, she never considered dating anyone else. Emotionally and spiritually, she'd been married to him. Now that they'd been together, she didn't want anyone else but him.

Like there's so many layers to this, which hasn't even taken the "like a switch" speech. Or her reaction to Diana, which had multiple levels--romantic, platonic, and professional.

Lastly, the idea that Scully was waiting around for Mulder (to ask her out) is such a basic take. Scully wasn't waiting on Mulder, she prioritized their working relationship over romance AND she knew Mulder had his own stuff going on with himself. Even if she had wanted to date then, she didn't fault Mulder for not asking her out. All the shit he'd been through and was going through, Scully was more concerned about his emotional well-being opposed to upset that he hadn't pursued her.

Although I do get the criticism and the desire for Scully to date, have on screen friends, and shit, it just doesn't track with what we've seen and know of Scully.

Like, this woman almost went on the run with Mulder after knowing him for 2-3 years. They only reason they didn't was because she wanted to see her sister who'd been shot. The reason she almost went on the run was due to moral and ethical reasons and not romance, however, my point is that Scully's convictions and priorities is why her life was the way it was and that's the way she wanted it to be. She then went on the run with him when she didn't have to, but we know she would because 1. his sentence was an injustice (we know how Scully feels about justice) 2. she was madly in love with him and refused to continue living her life without him.

Once again, Scully is discarding any notion of normalcy because she didn't want it and hadn't wanted it since getting assigned to the x files.

And that's on that.

(And it's why I object to the characterization of their relationship in IWTB and seasons 10 and 11. Although it's fine and makes sense for their relationship to have issues at times, the writers handled it so cavalierly and without thought. You cannot have the backbone of the show in a romantic falling out and not address it--not really. They don't try to genuinely deal with such a situation because it's melodrama, but my question is: why introduce it in the first place. If it isn't worth being addressed, it's not worth being introduced. Mulder and Scully had a chat or two, but it was so superficial and lacked teeth. It's not that I wanted the show to focus on them romantically, I just want the show to not bullshit or half ass shit they're introducing and bringing up is all.)

[teeth-and-tea]

ANIME & MANGA I HAVE BINGED IN THE LAST MONTH: May 2021

I've Been Hunting Slimes for the Past 300 Years and Now Ive Maxed Out My Level: incredibly long name aside, cute af slice of life that suffers Same Face Syndrome. I'm still happy to watch it because of how feel good and fluffy it is though, Im probably gonna forget about it in two or three years tho. 8/10.

Don't Toy With Me, Miss Nagatoro: I found out this was a webcomic first and suddenly all the HORNINESS made so much more sense. A Femdom, Degradation, Humiliation, Dacryphilia Bullies to Lovers story disguised as a high school rom-com which, I'm not going to lie, misses SKEEVY CITY by mere inches on a regular basis. However, I'm a Dom/Switch and this entire relationship sets off my dom brain center like New York City just shy of midnight. So if you're into that sort of scene, this anime is for you. If not, it's still fascinating but you're probably gonna be a little put off by how mean the Girl!Bully is to the guy MC. Unless you find out something about yourself, in which case, congrats! Stay safe, sane, consensual, and learn about the traffic light system on top of safe words, I promise you'll have a better life in general after that. Still Ongoing, currently 10/10.

Fruits Basket: IM GONNA CRY I LOVE THIS ANIME SO MUCH???? The original anime came out when I was in... I think middle school and my parents were really strict on what I watched so I never got to experience the first wave and I never bothered to watch the show ever after I moved out of the house years later. However, now that I'm much older I honestly can say this is one of my favorite anime to date, and all the characters are charming, lovable, with their own problems that I can connect to or sympathize with, and I love the MC which is always a treat tbh. Except Akito. Akito can suck a sandpaper dick. I'm only on S2 tho so no spoilers! Anime 11/10.

Monster Girl Doctor: went in thinking it was gonna be a monster girl who's a doctor with a homoerotic assistant (her name is SAPPHY okay sue me for thinking it) and ended up watching the entire dubbed harem series. Honestly, I've seen worse and this one has consistent follow-through on interesting characters and backstory enough for me to shove aside the blatant under-monstrousness of the female monsters and the harem-ness of everything else. Dubbing is honestly really good, which is a treat, and the monster designs are not the worst and the MC is tolerable. Honestly, I don't mind having watched it! The mix of cgi and the traditional animation together work pretty strangely though, and it often doesn't flow super well. 7.5/10

So I'm a Spider, So What: Dubbed version which honestly isn't that bad. Took me a bit to get into it, but after realizing that it's got a mismatched timeline a la The Witcher, it made so much more sense. Heavily done in cgi, and you can definitely tell between the 2D and 3D animations, but not the worst in the world. I went in not expecting much but it ended up being an Issekai I can stand and even enjoy. On god has a decent story... with the spider. I'd be a liar if I didnt say I skipped some of the human parts just to get back to the best part of the show. 8/10.

Somali and the Forest Spirit: I'm so fucking nostalgic for this thing it makes me want to go and hug my dad. About a human girl under threat of being eaten with a monster-dominated world. Very obvious "humans fear what they don't understand" message but instead of the humans learning tolerance it's what happens when they get annihilated first so like, kudos for the mangaka for having the guts to do that. I cried like a baby regularly. It's really good, I watched the dub and ID WATCH IT AGAIN!!! 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Oh my god. O h my g o d. Fell in love on the first episode, ngl. About if an immortal being learned how to be a person from scratch. I love it. HOWEVER. Keep a box of tissues on you at all times because you're gonna need them. I'm only on EP7 because that's all that's out right now but just know. I love it. Not for everyone but certainly for my "what do we define as human and the human condition" ass. 12/10.

Those Snow White Notes: A sports anime without any sports. About shamisen playing which is cool because I never realized how cool this instrument was??? Its neat af. OP1&2 are by Burnout Syndrom so know theyre fire. Gonna be real, its pretty alright, but not extraordinary. You can tell they were using the characters as archetypes rather than actually characters which kinda kills a lot of the emotional value you could've had, but I'm still gonna watch it. It doesn't make me cringe as hard as other sports anime tho so I consider it toptier in that regards but if you're a big sports anime fan you might be bummed out by it. Every single musical performance is INCREDIBLE tho. A solid 8/10.

Toilet Bound Hanako-kun: THE ART OMFG IT'S SO GORGEOUS. Listen, if you took coptic markers and gave them an animation budget with some manga panel direction thrown in there, that's this anime. It's beautiful. Gorgeous. I'm in love with the aesthetic every second. Story? Really good. Characters? I love the MC and his evil little twin brother asshat. Demons? Not super imaginative but I'm carrying on happy as can be anyways. Dubbing? A bit shaky at times but I found the voices charming if a little off for some of them. I'm already waiting for the second season with popcorn at the ready. 10/10.

Prison School: I watched this directly after Hanako-kun and it was like I got slapped in the face by sweaty unwashed titties and some fedora wearing schmuck's piss kink. No character is likable or redeemable. I finished it, but at what cost? 2/10 and only because a character shit his pants and I laughed.

Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle: watched this right after Prison School and it was NECESSARY tbh. Its so CUTE and honestly, im not even kidding you, the fucking funniest anime I've seen in months. I watched the dub and the VAs are having the time of their lives working on this anime not just giving it their all but literally just going ham. Its great. If I read this im sure id be bored outta my mind but the VAs giving it a joyous performance make it an insta fave for me tbh. 9/10.

Sk8 the Infinity: i watched the dub with my bro and I can confirm that its a spectacular show because we both loved it and we have vastly different tastes. Incredibly SUSPENSFUL AND STRESSFUL for an anime about skateboarding but we finished it in a single sitting tbh. The last episode is not dubbed for some reason but we still loved it. Like if Free! was less obnoxious but the only fan-service here is Joe ♡ a beefcake who owns my lesbian heart. I think there's exactly one named female character tho and I legit couldn't tell you what it was if there was a gun to my head. So, over all, 9.5/10.

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: I'm going to be entirely honest, I went in thinking it was going to be a boring isekai of no value. I was right about the Isekai part. It was honestly pretty interesting and focused on nation building like you're playing civilization rather than the usual "Get Stronger" narrative or "Get Some Pussy" narrative most isekais take which is delightfully refreshing. Granted there are flavors of that in this which means it doesn't alienate the big isekai watchers out there, but it's not the whole dish and it doesn't make me want to cringe the same way others do. You've got a slime MC just vibing and building a nation of monsters nbd. Does lose points for making the female monsters more humanoid than their male counterparts but makes them back by only doing perfunctory fan-service and nothing that makes me want to cry... except the butt sumo episode but in fairness it was all a terrible dream. Literally, the MC refuses to dream anymore after that. solid animation, decent voice acting, decent story, made me realize how HUGE this is in the Light Novel community???? There's like 18 fucking novels and that's WILD. 8.5/10.

MANGA:

Spirit Photographer Saburo Kono: a one shot special by the mangaka of The Promised Neverland! Honestly a really delicate touch of both super creepy and really touching, and I'm not gonna lie I'm bummed that this isn't a bigger project but the single chapter makes it a good taste for their style. I've been wondering if I wanna read/watch The Promised Neverland and now I think I will. 10/10

Deranged Detective Ron Kamonohashi: from the mangaka of Hitman Reborn comes this Sherlock and Watson derivative! Not even 20 chapters out yet with a sort of spotty schedule, I honestly love it even thought it's exactly as you expect. HOWEVER. Kamonohashi the "Sherlock" character uses mental pressure to kill all confirmed murderers and it's up to Toto the "Watson" character to save all those people before Kamonohashi kills them! It's just recently introduced a "Moriarty" family of crime lords (not a big spoiler don't worry it was obvious) so the tension surrounding Ron's past is amping up rn. Personally, I think the art is GORGEOUS, the characters engaging, and the story quick enough to keep my interest. Most mysteries are solved within a chapter or two so you're not stuck 20 chapters into one locked room mystery which is just peachy tbh. RN, 10/10. If this gets an anime, I anticipate a legion of fangirls who ship the two main characters along with their many friends. I've been alive too long to believe otherwise.

Don't Toy with Me, Miss Nagatoro: Yeah I read the manga after I watched the show. A slower build than the anime, but it works for the format, if theyd done the same with the show then I don't think it wouldve done as well. Honestly? Cuter tbh but just as horny. You dont start really LEARNING about your character until like, chap 65 tho and no real "drama" happens until like 75. A good chunk of the chapters are like 8pgs so its a breeze to get through. I love these slow burn idiots of the century. 9.5/10 because you can DEFINITELY tell the mangaka does hentai too.

Yugen's All-Ghouls Homeroom: one-shot by the mangaka for Food Wars, it's no wonder there's this constant perviness from the MC, a guy who can see and exorcise spirits. Takes place at an all girl's finishing school with KICK ASS monsters tbh, kinda bummed its not longer. The MC? Blatant monsterfucker who is also a CONFRIMED monsterfucker???? Idk i vibe with that single emotion. Everything else is hit or miss. 7/10 for monsters and cool concept, lost points for the MC very pointedly being okay with admitting he'd wait for the teenagers to be adults tho. Creepy af. Could live without that.

Hell's Paradise: I finished the entire 127chps in 3 days and I was really enthusiastic about it 90% of the time thinking about how deep it was and then I actually thought about it and I ended up being very neutral about the whole thing tbh. The art is fantastic tho, but DEFINITELY deserving of the M rating. Tits. Tits everywhere. But not tits to be ecchi over, no, monster hermit tits on beautiful women-ish figures. Now generally I give that a pass but a huge theme in the story is that men and women are "no better than one or the other" but like, lady tits are what you see 99% of the time. Men tits are few and far between. I call bullshit on most of the "deep" themes is what I'm saying, so it's like the mangaka was trying for those deep thoughts but missed the margin a little too far for my preference. That being said, the MC is a married man who loves his wife which automatically makes him my favorite character so like... idk so many good things, so many misses, but overall really spectacular themes and imagery. Unique but classic all at once. It's getting an anime and I have NO IDEA how much censorship they're gonna be doing but they're going to be doing SO MUCH. Oh yeah, and one guy is a plant/human hybrid who fucks a 1000 year old plant-hermit which makes him a canon monster fucker. And one canon non-binary character who I, a nonbinary, actually like. So like... gosh I've got mixed feelings. 8.5/10.

Choujin X: From Sui Ishida, mangaka to the mega hit Tokyo Ghoul comes this brand new manga!... Of one chapter, lol. Not really binge-y because it's just the one chapter out right now but I'm already keeping my eye on it. The grasp on anatomy in the art is PHENOMENAL and you can see Ishida flexing his art skill which is great. Can't give a true rating but I'm giving it a tentative 9/10 because I'm excited to see more.

Shag&Scoob: technically not a manga, its an ongoing webcomic I binged an subscribed to in one day and I just think it deserves more attention. Starts off funny with "what if Scooby Doo had a gun" and has been led to "what if all cartoons are aliens that survive and receive their powers by the humans that love them in an epic war with Martians." On god, its good. I finished the current series in a couple hours so it's a breezy read, highly recommend it. 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Yeah I watched the anime and then finished all current 143 chapters in like 3 days. GOD IM WEAK. I don't buy physical manga unless I know I want to remember the story forever and I'm already budgeting for the current books out. Yeah, this is a good series. That being said, definitely not for the faint of heart or those who suffer under common triggers like suicide, molestation, death, etc. It's all framed as bad and necessary to the story don't get me wrong, but it's there and has lasting affects on the characters. Incredible story telling by the creator of A Silent Voice. Keep tissues nearby at all times. 12/10.

[smol-nevi]

I don't generally make this kind of thing a habit, but I think if you happen to be on the Crystal RP Discord, aka @crystal-rp-ffxiv, you should probably be aware of this kind of behavior, so here goes.

If you're on Crystal RP and the admin team decides they don't like you, you're going to be living under a microscope while they wait for you to mess up, if not bait you, probably while making up conspiracies about you as well. As for how I know this, I was a moderator for about a week's duration and saw it first-hand.

Unapologetically lengthy post. Receipts in the link above, long version below the cut.

From the first time I looked in the mod chat I knew something was wrong. I read backwards in the channel, thinking I'd acclimate myself and see what kind of rules precedents had been set and that sort of thing. I mostly just found out that they had it out for a particular member (at the time using the name Jericho) for not much reason. They'd spent a troubling amount of time over the past few months watching him and another member like vultures, believing them to be the same person and waiting for them to make some kind of mistake that would justify banning both of them...despite keeping different schedules, having different personalities and typing habits, and visibly being two different people. The admin team had come to the conclusion that Jericho was a troll who wanted to make them look bad, and anything he said or did was scrutinized to a ridiculous degree for evidence that would corroborate their belief.

Except none of the things they believed at all were true: he'd had a minor argument via DM with the head admin Benjimir Thursby's wife, Tessariel Aerlinn, who had made an overly broad statement about anime and Asian culture. Jericho had told her that overgeneralization about 'Asian culture' is potentially racist, and she became extremely angry, saying that because she's Asian, she can't be racist against Asians. After that, it seemed that Jericho was considered fair game for whatever retaliatory actions the two of them could justify.

Even a cursory glance at actual racism in Asia pokes Tessariel's statement entirely full of holes, and having personally read the conversation I didn't see anything actually inaccurate in his statement even if she believed it didn't apply to her. I asked what he had done that would merit such a response, because it felt very disproportionate to anything I'd ever seen him do publicly, and that was what I was told. The exchange via DMs had been screencapped and kept in a channel for evidence, and while I didn't get a copy of it, I did read it, and I said that I thought it sounded awfully one-sided and punitive and would have been much better as an actual conversation. I also expressed that I was concerned how much of the channel had been solely devoted to what was basically a witch hunt, considering that some of the server members had over the course of the past couple of months commented that the admins' behavior towards Jericho seemed biased.

I basically got a pat on the head and told that my opinion was "valued" but wrong. This would happen a lot over the course of the week.

Shit continued to escalate. Their favorite punching bag, who was acutely aware of the grudge by now and probably trying to be nice and discuss something that he thought they could all talk about, brought up some articles that stated that LOTRO might be having a graphical overhaul. This actually ended in him being put into some kind of time-out mute, because "everyone knows those articles are debunked already" despite them still being hosted on reputable games news sites. Back-channel, the admin consensus was that he was in fact trying to bait Benjimir and Tessariel into somehow looking stupid in public, because [paraphrasing] 'he knows how important LOTRO is to them.'

Benjimir in fact went off publicly about how he knows the dev team and they sent him 'personalized swag' for 'being himself' and that everyone should just listen to him because he's right. Someone else made a reasonable request for sources on statements that Benjimir made about the LOTRO improvements not happening, and they immediately became the team's private #2 punching bag.

The whole time I reiterated that this was really uncomfortable and I had serious concerns about the way they were handling Jericho. And as always I received a pat on the head and was told to not worry about it, there were really good reasons for it, really. He was 'bringing down the quality of discourse' on the server somehow. Benjimir decided that the only way he would unmute Jericho is if Jericho talked directly to him, and that Jericho tried to talk to any of the more level-headed members of the team first was taken as obvious evidence that he wanted to evade rules and create problems. I asked when we planned to unmute him, and Tessariel immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had messaged me, which wasn't incorrect but the way she worded it felt highly accusatory and I was beginning to feel that I was also in trouble somehow for not agreeing with the rest of the team.

Things came to a head quickly when I woke up and looked at the mod chat and they were having an animated conversation that started with Benjimir asking if it was 'bad that he was laughing at Jericho' and most of the rest of the team talking about how he was stupid, uninformed, a troll, etc. for the sin of having some misgivings about cryptocurrency, of all the things. One of the mods self-described their behavior as bullying. I said that this was extremely unprofessional and that I thought they should keep conversation to actual moderation matters, and if they had a personal disagreement with a server member they should handle it in a personal venue, not via official server moderation channels.

I was, for the final time, patted on the head, and told that this was not something they would consider, because the moderation team 'needs to be able to vent for their mental health' (never mind that the job was not stressful except for the rest of the team committing worse behavior than the server members) and that maybe I was in fact too sensitive for the job. Benjimir heavily implied that I had become too close to Jericho and was being manipulated, managed to misgender me somehow despite my having used solely male or neutral pronouns the entire time I'd been on the server, and after relating a story in which a couple of years ago a well-liked moderator left after having the same complaints as I did (which he saw nothing at all troubling about), suggested that I should be demoted to babysitting the lore channel.

So I took some time to collect receipts, which are linked at the top of the post, and told him where to shove it.

Since that time, things have actually somehow gotten worse on Crystal RP. Benjimir posted an entire page screed vaguely talking about "rampant negativity" that stated anyone with questions should DM him.

Upon DMing him with questions, Jericho was banned, the only reason given being that he was a 'poor fit' for the server in some vague way. I was immediately banned afterwards for calling out this decision as being driven by a personal vendetta in the feedback channel and let him know afterwards via DMs in no uncertain terms that I had logged everything I needed and would be building my case (and that he is an asshole). Jericho was reinstated, though I'm not sure what the conditions of his return were as that was after my ban and I didn't ask since I didn't want to stress him out further. Benjimir also reprimanded someone for discussing asexuality, stating in a DM to them that the conversation was somehow ERP related. I called him out on this via DM as well. Tessariel was not much later caught posting my last DMs to Benjimir in an entirely unrelated server, though she didn't include the part after that where I brought up his aphobia (during Pride Month, in a server with a rainbow icon no less). Benjimir for some reason decided to suddenly start following my FC's Tumblr well after our falling-out.

And as of today (6/24), Crystal RP now has seven pages of draconian rules, because it wasn't micromanaged hard enough before or something. Notably, a lot of these rules describe behaviors that they wanted to punish Jericho for but couldn't at the time justify, or that they'd like to punish me for but have nothing they can do to me. Or they exist to justify their own behavior, as now seen in the very beginning of the channel:

"This approach also provides our volunteers with leeway to act in good faith without the burden befitting a professional occupation."

"So we afford them the means to speak openly, vent, lament, candidly and yes, sometimes crassly and raw about everything and one."

Not only did they behave unprofessionally and shit-talk before, they have now encoded in the rules that this is acceptable and even good moderator behavior, because they saw someone else do it so it's fine (a lot of this wording is very similar to what I was told when I protested it). So rather than address anything I ever said past or present, Benjimir is choosing to double down and giving himself and his team explicit permission to be shitty, right in the opening paragraphs where you'd have expected a mission statement or at least some sort of welcome.

Which is about all you need to know about that server and its owners, in my estimation. I'd considered not even posting to Tumblr about it, but given that it's only getting worse, I think it should be generally known that this is how you can expect to potentially be treated.

[chickenmcfly1]

Do you have headcanons or thoughts on Marty's relationship with his family in the original timeline? We only get that quick glimpse of them at dinner, & it doesn't look like there's much warmth there, but do you think he had any sort of close connection with them? Or do you hc that it was basically always dysfunctional?

Thanks for the question! I tend to go back and forth about this a lot. Sometimes, I feel like they all do love each other very much and have a lot in common, and just suck at expressing it, but sometimes I do feel that there’s a lot of dysfunction and maybe even genuine resentment between them. We’ll see lol (I’m also writing this in like 15 mins before my rehearsal, so I didn’t proofread. Enjoy deciphering my typos)

Side note: Did George even like Lorraine? Or did Lorraine just obsess over him like she did Calvin Klein and George just kinda went along with it because she’s cute and popular and saying no would involve confrontation? We know he was infatuated with her, but I hardly believe that infatuation and the Florence nightingale effect are enough to base a marriage on. Anyway,

George

George makes absolutely zero effort to reach out to anyone in his family. It’s not that he doesn’t like them, it’s just that he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t understand how to connect with his wife or be a dad to his kids

When the kids were little, especially Dave, George was pretty good with the kids. They’re cute and they’re babies, and he gets flustered when they cry and they stress him out a bit, but all in all, it’s good. But by the time the babies start turning into actual people, and god forbid, teenagers, George is so stressed and afraid, he’s like “oh no better not get involved”

By the time Marty comes around, his marriage is already falling apart, he’s like “oh no, this parenting thing is really difficult,” I should probably just not, and so they just kinda leave Marty to his own devices

He’s severely preoccupied with his work and that always takes priority over family which upsets Lorraine to no end

Just the fact that George let’s Biff hang around and works for him after what he did to Lorraine makes her really uncomfortable and hurt

Speaking of Biff, Biff tends to be a jerk to the kids as well. We see him poking fun at Marty and Marty look very physically uncomfy when it happens. If he’s really drunk, he has gotten physical with them too. We know, Biff can become a cold blooded murderer at the slightest provocation, so I feel like him shoving around a few teenagers just to be like “haha George look what I’m doing to your kids. Are you gonna do anything about it?” Or just out of resentment bc those are George kids with Lorraine is not out of character. George still won’t say anything

On a more positive note, though, he’s very close with Dave. They both have similar interests and Dave was his first kid, after all.

He recognizes how similar Marty and him are, but instead of taking that as a “oh this kid just needs a push of encouragement, and a confidence boost,” George’s mentality is to just protect Marty from any situation where he will face rejection or disappointment. It’s his way of showing love, but it really just hurts Marty more than anything.

This whole combination of George not standing up for Marty when he’s pushed around by Biff or yelled at by his mom and telling Marty “oh you won’t be successful anyway, just don’t try” really makes Marty feel . . . I hesitate to use the word worthless because that’s such a strong word, but for lack of a better term, his dad insinuating the idea that Marty deserves to be pushed around and that he won’t ever have success so he should just give up makes him feel really worthless and bad about himself

Marty sees this, and decides that he will never be like that and he will never let anyone else be treated the way Marty was. So whenever someone’s in trouble or being mistreated or spoken badly about, Marty will step in. And this whole fear of ending up like his dad and that idea of “I feel weak and powerless and worthless right now, but If I don’t let anybody else even think I’m those things, if I can prove them wrong and they validate me, I’ll feel better about myself” just feeds into Marty’s chicken complex.

With George, I don’t even think he makes an effort to make a change. He doesn’t seem like he would take initiative and fix his relationship with his wife and kids. So George just kinda decides “this is my life now, and it sucks, but what can I do” and sinks into this depressed state, making him even more afraid and withdrawn and perpetuating the cycle more

Lorraine

Lorraine is absolutely miserable. She’s lonely, she feels unloved, she’s in a home where someone she is very uncomfortable with pushes her husband around regularly and she knows if it came down to it, George would not tell Biff to leave her alone

She, unlike George, tries to get her family to do normal suburban family things, but they always fall apart. She’s usually drunk and moody and she and George are incapable of setting things up in a way that’ll make them work, but she’ll get mad when things don’t go how they’re supposed to (which they rarely do) and it’ll usually end in George stuttering in fear, Dave escaping to get to ‘work,’ Linda getting out of there, Marty booking it to Doc’s, and Lorraine being absolutely over it

She’s an alcoholic and she’s barely functional enough to do what’s needed of her, but somehow getting along. A lot of drinking means a lot of hangovers, and a good 60% of the time, she’s either drinking, or pretty out of it.

When she’s drunk, she usually retreats away, but if she ends up in a situation with one of her kids when she’s drunk and just wants to be left alone, she can be very mean and critical. Marty is a sensitive person, and we know he really lets criticism get to him, so this is not the greatest environment for him.

Also Lorraine is probably totally over the guitar thing. I speak from my poor parents experience when I say that dealing with a musician in the early stages is not easy. It involves a lot of hearing them practice the same bar over and over and over and over and over and it can drive you absolutely insane. So when Lorraine is hungover or whatever, she just wants Marty to shut up which makes Marty all the more insecure about his music

She’s also very critical in general. She’s hard on Marty, and will pretty much ignore him unless she’s giving some kind of criticism or yelling at him for something or the other. Marty knows at this point not to argue back because he’ll just get his feelings badly hurt. I mean, when Lorraine shits on Jennifer at dinner, Marty just sits silently, looking supremely uncomfortable, which is nothing like how the Marty we know would react when his loved ones are insulted.

I feel like Marty’s desperation for validation comes from this. The way he keeps trying to wrap his arm around Jennifer, the way he’s so latched on to Doc, people who validate him, it’s clear that Marty has not been told that he’s good enough very often, and he’s very eager to prove he is to others and himself. That also explains why he values other’s opinions of him so much, too.

Anyway, back to Lorraine, Lorraine is so despondent at the state of her life that she just sinks further into her alcoholism and depression, once again making their family situation that much worse. She does try to make things work and do normal family things, but it just doesn’t work out

Money must’ve been tight too. I mean, 5 people on one average at best income living in California can’t have been comfortable, which would’ve probably just added more tension

But yeah, those are some of my thoughts on the matter lol. This family is a hot mess, and I’m so glad Marty has doc to reverse all that trauma lol

[hext00ns]

love when my brain attaches to dumb weird shit no one else cares about like a weird crossover ship that only makes sense to my brain and the weird little stories that go on in it because i wanna ramble under the cut is my thots on all this 

Don’t trust Steven with any human stuff mans never went to school even Ben is better at stuff like budgeting then Steven is and Ben lived on the road with two other teenagers for a good chunk of his older teen years 

All thee of them pool together in the decision making department because all three of them have those good ol’ leader instincts. Dexter is use to working alone while both Ben and Steven are use to leading teams. At first they probably butted heads a LOT and still kinda do but now days they are pretty equal in that kinda stuff. 

Ben tries to plan dates, really he does. But he’d rather just get a smoothie with them or watch a horror movie at home. It’s Steven who plans the more romantic stuff. HOWEVER, Dexter will surprise them both when it comes to things like anniversaries cause he’ll plan something weirdly and uncharacteristically romantic for them that will probably make Steven start crying and Ben makes fun of them both despite being really really happy. 

Cooking and cleaning goes to Steven. He mother hens both Dexter and Ben. Dexter has issues with stepping away from work long enough to keep himself from keeling over and Ben still acts like a 13yo some times when it comes to cleaning up and choosing McDonald’s for every meal. Steven is super happy to do it though! He was raised by the gems and Pearl was always huge on cleaning and keeping things tidy and he is use to cooking for himself as well from a young age. He actually finds joy in both of these activities because they’re very domestic and calming for him. 

I have lots of different aus and ideas going on through my head so who confesses first is very much up for debate. Ultimately, Steven is the most emotional of the three and is most likely to say something in the moment about his feelings. Where as Ben has been in many relationships over the years and is super use to asking people out that he likes. Dexter I think could be the one to initiate the relationship but only with the right circumstances. 

Ben is kinda hardheaded. Steven is highly emotional. When they have fights Steven is normally the first to try and get them to all calm down and make up. He’s very pacifistic and hates arguments especially among loved ones. Dexter is a bit on the middle ground. He can get very frustrated very easily but also he’s more likely to cool down faster than Ben is. However, you KNOW you fucked up if Steven is the one that has to leave and calm down from the argument. There are definitely times where and argument got to a place where Steven was the one to leave in a fit of anger to go blow off steam. Normally during those fights, Dexter and Ben are so surprised (and kinda worried) that they often completely forget what the argument was even about. 

Steven is literally the BEST caregiver when someone is sick. He gets a lot of his motherly tendencies from Pearl. Dexter is pretty prone to stress fevers and working himself sick if Ben and Steven aren’t there to keep him from doing so. 

Ben and Steven are so goddamn talkative there are days when Dexter straight up kicks them out of the lab. Ben’s probably the most talkative of them all but Steven isn’t that far off. Dexter is pretty quiet unless you get him going on something. Man can infodump for hours about some science shit Ben and Steven have never even heard of. Of course they still try their best to follow along even if they are so fucking confused. 

Steven is the most observant when something is going on with the others. Especially in an emotional sense. He’s borderline an empath (actually I think his powers do technically make him and empath but besides the point). Dexter is pretty observant if something is different or someone is acting strangely if he can get his nose out of his work long enough to see it. But unlike Steven who will question it immediately, Dexter will give it a day or so before mentioning it. Ben is so goddamn oblivious sometimes. It’s okay he’s trying. 

Proposing honestly probably isn’t on any of their minds much. All three are young adults, two of which are traumatized heroes and the other one is a workaholic. Not only is their age a factor but their situations are too. If marriage ever was gonna be a thing with them it would be a good few years into the future I think. And, despite being the most emotional and romantic one of the bunch, Steven is actually the LEAST likely to pull out the ring. After his proposal failure with Connie he just is really scared to even mention the idea of marriage to anyone. He realizes that the idea of relationships he was raised around isn’t how humans work. Yes he can fuse with humans but no human wants to stay fused. Even Garnet learned that you can’t sacrifice your individuality to a relationship. This is a struggle for Steven because he’s always struggled with who his is and his identity and though things are better now he always will struggle. Even then he’s also very scared of taking things too fast. He knows he’s overly emotional and a huge romantic and he knows he jumps into stuff way too fast sometimes. Dexter might think about proposing sometimes but will probably just talk himself out of it a lot. He’s married to his work right? Well, in all truth he can’t deny that the idea is nice. But they’re all busy and also there’s three of them so how would that even work? Yeah he just talks himself out of it. However, Ben is the one who actually goes through with it (when the time is right). He really doesn’t care about things like “how it’ll work” and whatever. He’s pretty impulsive and leans in on his instincts. When he realizes that this is what he wants and is pretty sure Steven and Dexter would want it to, fuck yeah he’ll go for it. 

It’s down right annoying how much these three would sacrifice for each other. Or anyone really. Steven the most, he often values other lives and happiness above his own. He’s a helper and a healer but often forgets about himself in the process. Ben is use to self sacrifice. He’s a hero, like Steven. He is prepared to put his life on the line for them. Dexter is interesting because despite being the protag of his show I wouldn’t really call him the hero type and I don’t really think he’d strap himself with the title either. However if put into the position he will take up the mantle (we see so in Fusionfall). Honestly, Dexter is more surprised than anyone at how much he’d risk to keep the people he cares about safe. He does it on pure instinct without even thinking first. 

Ben is such a fucking blanket hog he gets his own. It’s green. Ben and Steven have to almost drag Dexter to go to bed and get some fuuucking sleep for god sakes. Steven isn’t a blanket hog only because he’s the cuddler. He gets all the warmth he needs from the others. Dexter wont admit it but Ben will, the fact that Steven is the best big spoon at night because he’s the biggest of the three. He’s wonderfully fat and it’s fantastic. Big arms big belly how do you not love to cuddle that!!!! However despite being a great big spoon Steven very much likes being the little spoon a lot. He likes to be held just as much as he likes holding others. Steven also is very prone to wanting to be held when he’s having a bad mental day. Ben would much rather be the big spoon in most his relationships but fuck man Steven’s hugs are so nice okay one exception. 

Steven is the most ticklish and Ben holds this against him. Ben is the least ticklish but once you get him going he gives this hilarious shreek. Dexter is ticklish but only if you know where to poke. However he’s also the one who will probably hit you on accident just as a reaction. 

Ben is the best kisser he’s had the most experience. Romantically, Steven’s only ever kissed Connie before then but he’s the best at like slower softer more romantic kisses that’ll make your heart ache. Dexter has no fucking idea what he’s doing but he’s a fast learner so there’s no complaining. 

God please they’re 18yos they are all so fucking irresponsible on some level. They’re so prone to doing dumb shit. Of course Ben more so out of all of them.

[feather-dancer]

⭐

I've noticed while I'm an angst magnet who occasionally wanders in fluffier directions my niche really seems to be in writing characters with mental health issues and oddly enough I never even intended it?

Jim having anxiety is a given of course, he does in canon, so it's not all that surprising my brain wandered off one afternoon wondering what would happen if he didn't have his support network after being bathtubbed. That one became Ghosts he left behind where we've had stress induced disassociation, dysphoria about his new body plus his fight with anxiety and panic attacks WHICH GIVEN HOW CHAPTER 3 ENDED he's tipping well into breaking point territory making it all the more critical they get hold of him before he completely gives into the monster he's terrified of being. He's fighting it with everything in his arsenal though, the biggest problem is he's been caught in a spiral of awful that is messing with his memories causing him to second guess and has no means of seeing a way out via someone he trusts so it only digs in deeper. Having been in one of these I've drawn on my own experience and they are godawful, this is the perfect storm for Jim to be hit by one and boy is it.

Plot aside in general nobody treats his anxiety as a funny personality quirk or Jim being dramatic, it's completely normalised and steps are in place to help when it has a !! moment which is a rarity in all fiction honestly? There has been a mention that he was on medication but the Darklands incident caused a "hiccup" in how effective they were, Toby mentioning he's particularly worried about that because something really must have freaked him out to not even contact Barbara from past experiences and Claire had been taught some CBT techniques as well. Brain having stupid moments is part of Jim that does not have an easy fix but you can be given means to cope which I hope other anxiety sufferers reading can appreciate. I've seen more than a few that just give him anxiety and either write it badly or he's the only one in the world who seems to and everyone else just ignores it.

Sensory overload has popped up a couple times as well which is another thing I get that does generally need specific circumstances to trigger depending on what your own flavour is. My BIG one is sound and Jim having heightened senses now is discovering how much they suck because it's all new and people are so noisy without realising it. This is part of the reason he keeps bolting for the same place in the woods: It's a lot quieter there and while anxiety brain will still kick off at least so many voices or strong smells from cars and general human habitation that don't seem to stop can't overwhelm his senses there. One less thing to worry about in an ocean of pear shape.

Sliiiight spoiler for As long as there are stars in the sky chapter 3 but Douxie has one here too because of extreme circumstances: Shunted in and out the Void with no warning (Thanks Kanjigar), the existing stress of the situation upped even more by being outted and worry for those outside plus he hadn't realised his bond with Archie got temporarily disrupted so he got slammed HARD with the panic belatedly when back in the Forge. The last was one thing too many, he hit the floor leaving familiar and Zoe to spring into action to ease him through it as it's one of the worst places it could have happened. It's not treated like a surprise to their party because they know him so well and recognise the signs and that it's very different from injury or panic attack because of that all important normalisation again whereas the trolls understandably have no idea . They're gonna need to come up with something suitable to explain it away without anyone finding out they're magic users sure but that is about pat and parcel of the hilarious mess that is this plot.

In Heart of Glass chapter 1 Douxie ended up having a straight up disassociation moment because one of his trauma triggers was (Unintentionally of course) mentioned and his brain just noped out the conversation breaking a pen in the process. How you react when one comes up is unpredictable at the best of times, he ended up going that route because he was already stressed while doing his best to hide that fact as much as possible essentially causing a bsod moment when the limit was shot through in an instant. The thing was even before it happened Archie sensed there was a potential incident waiting to happen and was trying to calm him down which unfortunately didn't work. That said his presence there helped him ease into the other side because even in his worst moments his familiar means safety able to keep alert for danger while being cuddled the shit out of. It had the added bonus of showing how close their bond is as well as just how traumatised the bean is in that verse centuries on without a laundry list of hows and whys.

I'm not sure where it falls under really but there's the touch averse thing that all variants of Douxie I write AU or not share. If it's on his terms or he knows/trusts you it's fine, if it's unexpected or he doesn't know who you are there is always that hitch of panic and looking for a polite out. Why? It can very quickly turn into a grab, the associations of being snatched up by knights or anyone else he's run into over the years remains firmly embedded in the Not Good category. Somewhat ironic when if he's comfortable he's a very touchy person and a hugger but that is of course on his own terms not anyone else's. Some trauma you simply cannot age away from, it’s stuck for life.

ANYWAY TANGENT ASIDE more mental health issues and reactions to trauma being normalised in the world they exist in and given the respect they deserve and not treated like a character trait please. If you can have a character be gay or Trans (Meeeee blatantly hinting Jim is Trans without saying he is is because it'd make no sense to in context is fun) or something like dyslexia without everyone making a big deal out of it you can have someone with anxiety without treating it like "oh they're just anxious lol". I write it myself in the hopes that it might help at least one person understand what it's like or better yet another see somebody writing it that understands what it's like and isn't using it for cheap shock value. I have to put up with all this shit it's about time it does something useful.

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Good morning/afternoon/evening/night, Ralph. (I think I covered all my time zone bases there). I have been thinking lot lately about all the rhetoric in the fandom about Harry’s health and well-being, and how loud it has felt this year. To be clear, I am not asking for you to weigh in with your own speculations about how Harry is doing, unless you feel comfortable doing so. (I’m not telling you what to do either way, obviously, seeing as I am only a little grey icon in your inbox and have no right or way to demand anything of you.) I’m more looking for guidance or even just your rambling thoughts about what is respectful and appropriate when we’re wondering about a celebrity’s well being, and how you handle your own thoughts and assumptions about this. I feel like over the course of the last year we’ve just been inundated with all this panic and speculation about how Harry is unhappy or unhealthy or otherwise not himself, going all the way back to the Jingle Bell Ball Golden performance. Every time we get any new content there’s a wave of people saying he looks too thin and overworked like he’s not getting enough food or rest, or overweight and out of shape (pick a lane, people), he looks stressed, he looks sad, he looks angry, his eyes have lost their sparkle, his smile is dim, he’s addicted to drugs, he’d addicted to drugs because Jeff is doping him up to keep him going, he’s going to quit music, he’s going to hurt himself, blah blah blah. And the people making these “observations” hide behind the assertion that they’re just worried for his health when they’re faced with any sort of criticism.

This whole ongoing rhetoric feels really…icky? I suppose? to me. I do kind of think he has looked more drawn and intense (“stressed” and “sad”) in the content we’ve gotten this year, but I also think (1) the content we’ve gotten has largely been pap shots and stunt stuff, (2) this year he had to postpone his tour, and we know he loves performing so that must have really sucked, and (3) this year has just been rather shit for all of us, we’re all stressed and sad and scared and frustrated by the larger political and social goings on, and by the ways our own lives are impacted. In the past, the content we’ve gotten where Harry looks the happiest and most at ease has been performance footage or him with his family and loved ones. We haven’t gotten any of that this year. It makes sense that the pictures we do get would feature him looking less than completely relaxed and jubilant. And then there are all the assumptions that he’s lost weight or gained weight and is therefore unhealthy or on drugs or drinking a lot and that just honestly pisses me off. You cannot tell jack shit about a person’s health from their weight, and especially not in random pictures taken at random intervals in random settings. To pretend you can is harmful, and Harry probably won’t see you making these assumptions about his mental and physical health based on the prominence of his cheekbones in a set of pap pics, but friends and strangers who are already struggling with their weight will. And the assertion that someone is dealing with an addiction of any kind (or, god forbid, and I hate even typing this, being subjected to drug use at the hands of someone with power over them) is an allegation that a) you can’t make from one picture and b) has really deep, life altering, tragic and painful and hard consequences for that person and all their loved ones, and deserves more respect and deference than to be treated as something you can just throw out into the great wild beyond and then forget about.

But beyond the fact that people are making hurtful and invasive allegations and assumptions about a real person’s private life based entirely on a very very limited and posed and edited set of content that was hand chosen to be given to us, I think the thing that bothers me the most is it feels like the people who are driving these conversations are doing so because they want something from Harry. It’s never (or rarely, I suppose) “man Harry looks tired in the pictures we’ve gotten lately, I really hope he’s taking care of himself, things have been so hard for us all.” It’s always “Harry has been so withdrawn and sad and angry he’s not communicative with fans and he’s not willing to engage with them when he sees them in public and I miss him. I miss my Harry. I miss happy Harry. I want him back. Give me Harry back.” Which tells me the concern isn’t Harry or Harry’s health, but rather the feeling that Harry owes us something that he hasn’t been giving, and now he must pay up or give us a valid excuse.

Then I do, occasionally though, find myself thinking “am I doing exactly what I’m complaining about? Am I assuming the worst of people based on a limited set of insights into their lives?” And in the wake of the Britney legal battle that has been unfolding recently, I sometimes wonder if maybe as fans we do have kind of a duty to call out celebrities when they seem to be struggling or acting incredibly out of character. Most of the time I follow this up immediately with the thought that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s health and safety, much less that of a 27 year old man I’ve never met and have no connection to beyond liking his music and his face, and I do truly believe that, but there is some part of me that feels uneasy just turning off all my concern, because I am a person who tends to be greatly concerned about everyone, who just wants everyone to be happy and healthy and safe and loved, and who wants to help people feel that way, where and when I can. So I guess what I’m asking, in the incredibly long winded and winding way I ask anyone anything (my poor husband, he gets a novel from me every time I ask what he thinks we should do for dinner) is do you have any of these same feelings and concerns? How do your navigate them? Where do you draw a line? Do you just withdraw completely from this type of speculation? How do you balance being a kind, engaged, empathetic fan with being a respectful, responsible fan who knows their limits? (And man, isn’t that the ultimate question?). Your blog is one I end up on whenever something big happens or a particular conversation pops up, because I’ve found that I really value the way you break things down and are willing to consider them from many perspectives, so I appreciate you even taking the time to read this.

Thanks for your interesting thoughts about Harry anon. I feel like there's a lot to respond to here and I'm going to start by answering the questions your questions - and then I'm going to get distracted and talk about a post I really hated.

I'm always a little bit worried about Harry, and all 1D members. He might be really struggling, that's always a possibility. Harry has lived a very intensely scheduled high workload life since he was 16. He might have had all sorts of responses to the fact that that schedule was removed, or anything else that is happening in his life. But I feel like I'm generally pretty boundaried about those concerns.

I think part of it is because my base line assumption is that boyband members are pretty fucked up. You don't need to know a lot about the history of touring musicians to know that. I think I've said before that if 1D members are eating every day and not doing needle drugs then they're doing better than we have any right to expect (and if they're not eating and are doing needle drugs, then those are coping mechanisms for intense stress and there's no shame in either of them).

I do think it helps with boundaries to be starting from a point that acknowledges how hard it is to be a popstar. I'm all about fantasies of omnipotence and in my day to day life I think I can fix all sorts of things, but I don't think I can make any difference to any 1D member's life.

In addition, I am profoundly affected by having been a fan throughout 2016. We know what it looks like when Louis was going through a horrendous, devastating, trauma - and it looks pretty normal.

None of this means I don't have opinions, or worries, but I am aware that my opinions or worries aren't facts. It's rare that I think that my worries should matter even to people reading my tumblr, let alone other fans in general, and certainly not Harry. You say 'am I doing the same thing as other people assuming the worst about people...', but I'd argue that that's actually not the problem. There's nothing wrong with assuming the worst of people. What is wrong is when fans think their assumptions about a celebrity should matter to anyone else. You don't have to turn off your concern to think that it's not a priority.

I definitely think it would be a very bad thing if people took the moral as the 'free Britney' movement as 'fans should call out celebrities when they think they're struggling'. That sort of surveillance isn't effective or useful. What has been useful for Britney is solidarity in a well documented power struggle, which is a very different thing.

And I can't emphasise enough how important the 'well documented' aspect of this is. What most fan worrying about Harry amounts to is: 'I don't like what he's doing, and there's no way he'd do things I didn't like and therefore there must be something wrong with him'. That's a really controlling way of thinking about people. I really think it's important not to reproduce that abusers logic.

I am pretty well insulated from that sort of discourse from a very well weeded dash. But I saw a post that was mostly about other fandom stuff, that treated assumptions like: "Harry must hate being with Olivia and he's suffering and it's clear he's not happy with his image and his team" as building blocks that you don't even have to argue for (this is the post - and I'm going to come back to one of the things someone said that was even worse in a second).

Lets stop for a minute and imagine that Harry hasn't got a problem pretending to date Olivia, and his main concerns are about the messiness of life and his career at this point in time. It is really fucked up and agressive, and pretty hateful towards Harry, to say 'oh he couldn't possibly want this. It's clear that he hates it.' etc. (I feel like I've been making this argument for years about people who object to Louis doing such things as smoking and not performing middle-class culture for them). When fans trash talk what Harry is doing at the moment, and suggest that believing he could be choosing what he's doing is some how an act of huge disrespect to him, there is every chance they are trash talking him and the choices he's making.

The final thing I want to draw attention to is how often this sort of fan storytelling is combined with a profound lack of interest in what 1D members are actually going through. The tags screen shotted and added on to the post I reblogged actually described Holivia as Douis 2.0. Apparently assuming that there was absolutely no connection between Douis, and Louis and his family's ultimately successful efforts to privacy as Jay was dying. What the fuck is wrong with people that they ignore that, and erase that? There's far more interest in making up 1D members suffering so that fans can continue to tell the stories they want to tell, than actual acknowledgement of what we know that they went through.

Sorry I got distracted. What I'm trying to say is that there's nothing wrong with having feelings about celebrities or telling stories about them. But it's so important to acknoweldge the limits of your knowledge and power, even when fandom discourse encourages the opposite.

[yejiroh]

Hello! I love your Wake Up and See Me story! (not so secret slut for angst and character death) I'd like to request very angsty HCs for Obey me! charas x fem!reader who is still grieving for her family singing her mother's lullaby while spacing out somewhere public. The lullaby in question being Lullaby of Woe by Ashley Serena, The Hanging Tree from Hunger Games series or Come Little Children by Erutan. Wanna see their reactions so bad!!!

I- I really need to update that series. Thank you so much for the support of it anon!

And thank you for the request darling! I’m sorry it took so long, but the lullaby’s were beautiful! So yes, I decided to listen to them all and match them with who I think it’d get the best reaction from! I made a little scene as well before the reactions, so it may or may not be a bit of a long read.

Lullaby Reaction! Obey Me BROTHERS x Fem!MC (ANGST)

Couldn't add the Keep Reading link because Tumblr is a beeotch. Sorry not sorry to everyone because this is LONG!

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TRIGGER WARNING: death, loss of parents, toxicity, mentions of cannibalism, more death, child abuse, traumatic stress, mentions of suicide, nightmare factors, unintentional murder, loss of siblings, and as the anon requested, A SHIT TON OF ANGST!

Side note: I really really liked Lullaby of Woe...may consider making a series based on the lyrics. Who knows?

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This one is kind of long because I did get carried away, but I do hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

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Lucifer, Mammon and Beezlebub: Come Little Children

As the cool Autumn breeze hit her face, MC took a sip from the hot cup between her clothed hands. Today would mark the 15th year since the orphanage- her orphanage, had burned down. All 23 children and her parents except she had burned to an ash- less than that truly. She, with her ill body and frail stature, she, with her poor value and level of importance, she, the one who had been trapped in the building longest of all.

Every time she had walked into the toy store around the corner, MC felt pulled towards the puzzle sets. Specifically, the 24 piece sets. MC was the 24th child. But she was also the first. Every day, she’d buy a set, just to lay it on their graves, sorry that she had been left behind. 

“Come little children, I’ll take thee away, into a land of enchantment…oh momma, I’m so sorry I let you all down...I’m sorry I played with the fire, I’m sorry.” A tear had poured down, slid to her dry lips as she desperately held them back.

“I’m sorry momma...papa...I’m sorry I didn’t listen...I’m sorry I killed you all…”

And, as she walked away from the tombstones, a heart that was not hers broke.

{Reactions}

LUCIFER:

1.Never before had Lucifer been so...disturbed.

2.The song was stunning, and that was true….but somehow he could relate

3.He would definitely stay on the down low for a while, his pride showing when he has to come up with lies as to why he wasn’t talking to you

4.Okay, flashbacks for weeks. He was genuinely affected by the song.

5.In the end, he needs more comfort than you once he finally kicks pride out the window and sheds tears in front of you.

6.“I’m sorry, MC…”

MAMMON:

1.Okay...he wasn’t the best at spying on you-but he was worried! Your behavior was odd since last Sunday...actually, every Sunday.

2.He ran out to you, crying hard as he tackled you, saying how sorry he was for digging into your personal life. 

3.The demon was holding fistfulls of little puzzle pieces, candy, and notes, claiming they were from the souls of the children, who wished you the best in life and to move on.

4.He, the avatar of greed, had done something of huge charitable value for these children as he held you close

5.Yes, he got flashbacks….but decided not to dwell on them, more so trying to comfort you.

6.“Stupid human...you can come to me always, ya know that?”

BEEZLEBUB:

1.Beezlebub doesn’t always show his feelings, sure. But he does, forever and always, come for those he cares about. 

2.It’s like a magnetic pull as you cry. He’s there, wiping the large tear threatening to spill with his thumb, licking it off before wiping his hand off. 

3.A kind smile with eyes pain ridden as his big hands engulf your own, for he too, had a tragic past and lost someone he considered blood.

4.“It’s okay, MC. They’re right here, and always will be. Please don’t cry.” He says as he points to your heart, right by your breast, but with no sexual intent. Only comfort. 

5.“Come on, big girl, don’t cry, I’m here.” He says, holding you close and running his fingers through your hair with the gentlest of touches.

6. No one can harm you in your vulnerable state as the Avatar of Gluttony protects you.

Satan and Asmodeus: The Hanging Tree

It was in class- herbology. The lesson was on wisteria trees when MC bordly began to hum a tune.

“Are you, are you, coming to the tree? They strung up a man, they say who murdered three. Strange things did happen here no stranger would it be, if we met at midnight, in the hanging tree.” 

“Miss L/n quiet down! I’m trying to teach!” The professor had called out, but MC was lost as tears began to bubble up. She continued her little song quietly as her desk mates huffed in annoyance. She’d done this every day of the week, only to end up crying. Nobody knew what was wrong with her, nor did they get a word out of her. Not until Amso took MC and Satan out for a spa treatment.

Filing her nails, Asmo blew off the dust, his brows furrowed.

“Say, MC?”

“Yeah?”

“Why is it you sing that depressing song every time someone brings up wisteria trees?”

Now Satan looked up, lifting a cucumber off his eye, his curiosity sparked. MC looked away, pulling her hand away from Asmo’s as she pulled her knees to her chest, a deep sigh escaping her lips. Asmo quickly waved his hands in front of him.

“Oh, sorry, sorry MC! I didn’t know it was a touchy subject-”

Satan interrupted. “Care to share?”

“Satan!”

“No, no, Asmo- it’s okay. It’s...it’s just not something I really talk about.” MC said, finishing off with a whisper. 

The two leaned in, eyes big and expectant when MC looked to them.

“You know, my father passed away when I was really young. It was a selfish reason, really- to put it into his own words, it was, “To escape the responsibility of life.” , but that wasn’t the case.” MC  raised her pant leg, revealing all the burn marks and scars covering the skin. 

“It was really to escape the guilt of hurting me.”

The brothers went quiet for a moment before Satan put a hand up.

“So what does that have to do with that song you were singing?”

MC smiled bitterly. “Because he was the man in The Hanging Tree my mother always sang to me.”

“So what happened to your mother?”

“She too, joined him in death…and left me alone.”

{Reactions}

SATAN: 

1.He was at a loss for words, to say the least.

2.Never, in the demon’s countless millennia had he come across such a pitiful soul

3.Taking a bite of the cucumber before tossing it aside, he took the other off, tracing his fingers across the burns that resembled his rage: Ugly, loved, and traumatizing

4.As the room was quiet, he just felt intrigued to know more, had to know more. 

5.“You’re very strong, MC.”

6.The Hanging Tree did not leave his mind for quite some time as he tried to figure out the mystery MC had unknowingly left implanted in his brain.

ASMODEUS:

1.He has never ruined his makeup by crying in front of somewhere. Never ever.

2.But he sure as hell came close to it. 

3.Asmo had nothing to say but grab MC’s hands and kiss them softly over and over again before continuing the manicure he had initially started.

4.A mental note to take MC’s mind off other things so as not to give her wrinkles from stress or depression. 

Leviathan and Belphegor: Lullaby of Woe

She never had a peaceful night's rest. The dreams always came back to haunt her.Each night, she’d live through it, again, and again, and again. Oh, how the false man in white would come to her, a mischievous grin on his handsome face before cutting into her mind, showing her the deaths at her fault. Her mother, kind and beautiful, always coming in to protect her, reassure her that it wasn’t real, that she was seeing things. 

“Momma, please! I’m scared! I don’t wanna see him again momma!” A little girl wailed, holding onto her mother’s waist, legs wrapped around in a firm hold, hands bundled in her clothes.

“My darling, please just sleep~ I’ll always be here love. Always.”

And always she was, for her remains laid in that rotting home to this day, not yet known. Still, no one would believe the late Mrs. L/n’s daughter.

MC shuffled more in her sleep before finally waking up, eyes puffy from the unconscious crying. Slowly she got up, getting ready for the school day as she washed her face, prepared, and left the room. 

“Good morning.” Each of the brothers would greet her, to which she’d return a small nod. There was nothing to talk about. Not when these nightmares haunted her so.

A little girl sat by her mother’s corpse, a man beside her.

Drink, child. Feast in the blood of a sinner.

“...But….but mother wasn’t a sinner…”

“Ignorant child. You are but a bastard, for she was never married. Drink and cleanse yourself of the blood of a sinner. Repent and be saved.”

Truly, the false man in white was but a liar, wanting nothing more than a child’s innocence and fortune as he toyed with her. 

Lost in her own fantasies, she began to sing, the tall Jubokko tree towering beneath her with the damned’s skulls by her feat. 

“For the witcher, heartless, cold...Paid in coin of gold, He comes he’ll go leave naught behind, but heartache and woe…”

“Deep, deep woe, for the witcher, heartless, cold, Paid in coin of gold, he comes…”

MC’s voice broke into it, pathetic cracks of the voice clear but quiet as she stopped.

A small applause was heard behind her; Belphie and Levi had seen and listened patiently, attentive and concerned.

The Avatar of Sloth put his arms down, kicking a skull as he sat down.

“That was a beautiful song, MC. What has made you so upset?”

Levi too, had sat down, his eyes no longer focused on the forgotten D.D.D.

MC just smiled sheepishly, sitting down with the boys as she tucked back a loose strand away. 

“It was nothing important. A story for another time.”

{Reactions}

BELPHEGOR:

1.Girl, honey, darling. You're lying. It’s okay! You can trust him!

2.If MC doesn’t end up telling him, then he can just slip into the dreams (I think?)

3.Honestly worried for you. He’s the Avatar of Sleep- he KNOWS you’ve been disturbed lately, and more so than others.

4.Can you imagine the pure look of hatred once he finds out about this man?

5.And ew, you drank your mother’s blood? 

6.But that’s cannibalism, which is a major sin so…

7.I guess you really can stay with him forever!

8.Honestly, he’s like a flame; burns as long as there’s fuel, then will move on to another topic.

LEVIATHAN:

1.So yeah. He didn’t really say anything.

2.But he was listening. 

3.Didn’t make an anime reference once because nothing he’s ever knew of had been that horrifying. 

4. Didn’t wanna make you feel shy about it, but kind of hints about it later on. 

5.No, he doesn’t care about the man, because as you sat down on the skull ridden dirt, you just seemed so...peaceful