#beautiful depressed ian for you all

[romidoes]

‘stop eating your weight in fruit loops, go get dressed!’

[heymacy]

IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder

╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher

[jessicaslittlelovesickmess]

Your mama’s crying

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x daughter reader

Warning: death, angst, Ian Doyle, depression, Ian calling reader by her “name”

It had been seven months…

Seven months since your mother had passed, your best friend had died at the hands of your father Ian Doyle. Seven months of losing yourself and recreating a new version of who you once were, everything had changed once she left, even me.

I couldn't bare looking into the mirror to stare at the dark eyes, raven hair that I mourned the loss of so I dyed it. Pink. Purple. Blue. Green. Red. Before settling on a beautiful Blonde that she would've loved. I swapped my glasses for coloured contacts, it hurt to see the ghost of my mother in myself.

Seven months and yet it felt like seven years..

The first day had begun a month after mum had passed, I was curled in her bed my face smothered in her blankets that were slowly loosing her scent. Morgan had burst into the room throwing my gym clothes at me telling me to get ready, we ran ten kilometres that day only stopping at the lookout on the hill to yell out our frustrations at the world.

It became a routine of sorts and sometimes Penelope would join us although she couldn���t keep up with us as often. It was okay. We would be okay, Sergio clung to me more as the months grew almost as if he just knew.

I sat with Derek on the roof, his arm wrapped securely around my shoulders as we spoke "I miss her" I whispered curling myself into him more. "Me too, miniP' he kissed my head before resting his cheek on it"me too he repeated sadly "she'd be proud of you, you know that right?" | nodded biting my lip.

I hope she would be

Although I wanted revenge

I had graduated university top of my class with the team cheering me on in the crowd, how was I to see those two guilty faces. It hurt my mother not being in the front row like she was meant to but I imagined she had been.

My father loved me in a strange way

The team thought it best to use me as the bait to catch him, I called him to a cafe just a quiet one that I had visited him before at. Staring at him I felt nothing, his face was blank “whats the softest way to say you took away my friend, my buddy?. Whats the kindest way to say you took away my friend?”.

“You wouldn’t understand Alora” he whispered “so help me understand father” hopefully the team should walk in any moment. “It was simply fate my dear, we have a past” fate? Fate took my mother? My heart had shattering once more.

I wanted to scream and cry, throw anything available at him but I was just so numb and maybe he knew that as he leaned over. Placing a gentle kiss on my forehead before the team burst in “Je t'aime Y/n” he whispered I love you Y/n “Adieu père” I whispered. Goodbye father

How dare he simply call it fate

“Elle m'a enlevé ma fille”

She took my daughter away

I was bound to him, mum was bound to him

I was his daughter

It was all a blur as he was arrested, I had become numb but I knew I hated France it would never be the same I’m not sure Virginia could be the same anymore.

I never went home that day, finding myself at Penelope’s front doorstep tears streaming down my face. Her arms had become home I wondered if my mother would be disappointed in me- of who I had become.

“Oh my sweetheart”

I wished I could’ve told her sooner about my adoration for women of my harboured feelings for an older blonde that I had no chance with. I had an internship with the bau while I found a job that I actually wanted, I had plans just as my mother once had.

We had been called into the conference room, I stood near the back “everyone take a seat” Hotch sighed as JJ stood beside him. "7 months ago I made a decision that affected this Team." he said, and I knew immediatly that this was about mum.

"As you know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. The doctors were able to stabilize her and she was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under a covert exfilitration. Her identity was strictly need-to-know." he said and I felt sick to my stomach.

"She stayed there until she was well enough to travel, she was reassigned to Paris where she was given several different identities which we had no access to for her security." He goes on.

"She's alive?" Penelope asked.

"But we buried her..." Reid says hurt.

I had buried my mother

I had buried my mother

Yet she had walked into the room with a smile on her face as if these seven months had never existed, I had buried my mother for nothing. These seven months had been a lie, all the words JJ and Aaron said had been lies all those tender hugs and kisses were full of guilt.

I couldn’t help but leave quickly as mum made her way around the team giving out hugs unaware she had watched me go. I couldn’t be there, I couldn’t be in that room not with everyone so happy to have her back, I grieved my mother.

I mourned someone who wasn’t dead

Maybe it was selfish of me but I left the team that day, finally moved my things out of my mothers apartment now that she was back. I ignored her calls so angry she could do such a thing the same went with Aaron and JJ, how could they? my mother?.

The team had called me often saying how my mother had been crying, her sobs begging for me and maybe in some sick way she knew just how I had felt.

I laid with my head in Penelopes lap as I sobbed, her soothing hands running through my hair “I know it’s hard right now Y/n but maybe it would be a good thing if you started talking to her again”.

“I’m just so scared Pen”

“And thats okay baby cakes”

It wouldn’t be another two weeks before I worked up the courage to talk to her, Rossi was hosting a part while I had arrived with the blonde. Mum made her way beside me “I’m proud of you Y/n” she slowly placed a hand on my shoulder.

She took a deep breath in tears already staining her waterline “and I’m sorry, if I could’ve taken you with me I would’ve but Aaron had said no. I asked them everyday about you and I’m sorry I couldn’t be here I’m sorry, I put my little girl through all this pain”

She moved her hands to cup my face “my baby girl, and when you graduated Uni. I made sure Aaron got me a clip of you. I never once stopped thinking about you, Mon cher I love you”

“And I am so so proud of you” the warmth of her lips pressed against my forehead cemented she was real “I’m sorry mama” I cried. “I was just so angry, I didn’t mean to make you cry” she pulled me into her chest rocking us gently side by side.

After a while she chuckle causing me to look up confused “you and Garcia?” She smirked with a raised brow

[cabotwife]

Can you do a fluffy Johanna mason x reader where reader is bipolar going through a depression episode. If you don’t want to that’s fine I am just doing bad and though tha would be a cute thing because 2 “broken” traumatized people healing together is always a cute trope yk

Two Broken Halves

Johanna Mason x Fem!Reader

thank you for your request! i hope you enjoy 💗

warnings: poorly written fluff, not proofread

word count: 787

a/n: this one was a bit hard to write, mostly because i know that my experience with my depressive episodes are not the same thing that everybody experiences. reader is mostly based off of me and Ian Gallagher a little bit.

a/n pt2: if anybody finds themselves struggling, in anyway, or just need somebody to talk to, i want you to know that i am here and my messages/inbox is always open for you. i love you all<3

-> now i'ma take a nap before i start working on the next request

there’s a quiet buzz in the room as you lay in your bed, curled in on yourself. the faint sound of the door closing can be heard, and you know it’s your girlfriend.

“y/n! i’m back!” Johanna shouts, you can hear her throwing her shoes onto the ground.

you stay silent, staring at the wall beside the bed. “y/n?” Johanna’s in the room now, hovering by the door frame as she looks at you, trying to evaluate the situation.

the brunette huffs as she begins changing out of the clothes she had been wearing all day and into something comfier. she glances at you again before making her way over to where you’re laying on the bed.

she’s never been great at handling other people’s emotions.

Johanna bites her lip as she crouches down by your head, “hey baby, you feeling okay?” she says in a quiet voice, trying to be as gentle as she could.

when she still doesn’t get a reply from you she lets out a sigh, standing up. “i’ll be right back, okay?” even though she knows you won’t say anything she still pauses by the door to gaze back at you. she frowns as she leaves the room, leaving the door open behind her in case something happens.

after about a half an hour the brunette makes her way back into the room carrying a bowl of soup. she sets the bowl down on her nightstand before plopping herself down onto her side of the bed. “y/n/n?” she whispers, pulling your stiff form towards her. she positions the two of you so that you’re laying with your head on her abdomen.

Johanna runs her fingers through your hair as she looks down at you.

you’re staring at the sheets of the bed, your eyes are blank, almost empty. it saddens your girlfriend to see you like this.

“can you eat something for me? i know you haven’t eaten today.” she waits for your response, but none ever comes. “y/n please.” her tone is still soft, she’s trying to be gentle with you but she’s growing frustrated.

Johanna stares down at her girlfriend, a sigh leaving her lips. she pulls herself up, moving you off of her.

she stands by where your head is laying, she hits the bed lightly, “come on, you have to eat.”

“’m not hungry.” she hears you mumble.

she stares down at you, her eyes soft with worry. “just a little bit.” she huffs as she pulls you into a sitting position, sitting herself back down next to you on the bed. your head falls to her shoulder as she grabs the bowl of warm soup.

she stirs the spoon around before pulling it out slowly, moving it towards your mouth. you reluctantly open your mouth, allowing her to spoon-feed you.

Johanna smiles as you eat the soup slowly, “there ya go, beautiful.” she hums, continuing to feed you.

once the bowl is empty she places it back on the nightstand before turning back to you.

a grin overtakes her lips as she feels you snuggle against her shoulder.

you both sit in silence, just letting her hold you.

“i’m sorry.” you whisper after a few moments.

the brunette looks down at you, “you’re sorry?” she questions, “for what?”

“that you have to deal with me.” you stare at your hands as you find yourself playing with the hem of Johanna’s tank-top.

Johanna huffs, “i do not deal with you.” you can practically hear her eye-roll in her words. “hey, hey look at me.” she says, her hand finding its way to your jaw so she can tilt your head up. when your eyes meet she can finally see the tears in yours. “oh, sweet girl..” she whispers.

“i’m sorry.” you mumble again, rubbing at your eye to attempt and make the tears go away.

“i love you, y/n, i do.” she places a kiss to your forehead as she speaks, “you mean the world to me, i don’t- you’re not someone i have to deal with. i choose to take care of you, because i love you and you matter to me.” her fingers are running through your hair as the tears stream down your cheeks, “we take care of each other, y/n, we do. some days are harder than others, i, of all people. understand that.”

“i love you, Jo. thank you.” you whisper. Johanna grins, leaning down to place a soft kiss to your lips.

“wanna come out with me tomorrow? we could have a picnic..” Johanna asks gently, trying to probe you into leaving the bed.

you think for a moment before nodding slowly, “sure..” you hum.

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

Happy Birthday Ian Gallagher!

May rolled around again, and Ian turned 28. The weather was weird, hot and humid one day, cold and rainy the next.

The hardcore work schedule they both agreed on for the early part of the year so they could travel in the summer was wearing on both of them and Ian was exhausted by the hyper vigilance he put himself under when the weather started fluctuating and the days grew longer with the onset of spring. He was heartbroken and disappointed that beautiful days set off alarm bells in his head, signaling a manic episode could be eminent. 

He didn’t want to celebrate his birthday, he told Mickey as much and received only a glance and an understanding confirmation from his husband. His family would throw a party regardless, it was scheduled for next weekend, but on the thursday that his birthday actually fell on, Ian wasn’t feeling celebratory. 

He wasn't sad or depressed at the idea of turning a year older, he just wasn't up for performing birthday joy he didn’t really feel for anyone else. 

But when he woke up, naturally and not to the sound of his alarm, Mickey was kneeling on their bed expectantly holding a cake. A lumpy, lopsided thing poorly covered in white icing he probably made after Ian fell asleep last night.

It had patches of bare chocolate cake sticking out between the crumby white icing and it threatened to topple over, ready to smear the blue poorly iced Happy Birthday Ian all over their comforter. 

Ian looked between the cake and his husband for a second, confused. Mickey pulled a face after a while, “blow it out, dipshit.”

There was one candle sitting in the center and Ian was pretty sure they had used it before, and that definetly wasn’t sanitary, but he propt himself up on his elbows and blew it out anyways, causing Mickey to grin slightly before setting it on the nightstand.

“I know you don’t want to celebrate, but I just wanted to give you a little break” he explained softly. “I called Verde growers and pushed our pickup back a little so we don’t have to leave till noon.”

Ian flopped down with a huff, it was probably about 9am if he had to guess. “Yeah?” He asked, patting a hand down on Mickey’s thigh and rubbing slightly.

“Yup” Mickey confirmed, learning forward to kiss Ian lightly. The smell of the faint smoke from the candle wafted between them.

“And you made a cake” Ian stated, glancing over at the sugary monstrosity.

“If you can call it that” Mickey joked, pulling the plate onto his lap boxer covered lap and sitting with crossed legs, producing two forks from behind him.

Ian sat up with him, comforter falling away revealing his shirtless chest. “Just one bite ‘cause-”

“Cause cake for breakfast will upset your stomach. Yeah, I know Gallagher. Fuckin’ pansy.” 

The cake was definitely box mix and the frosting was the tinned kind, but Ian looked down at the poorly drawn letters and grinned, genuine warmth pooling in his chest as he watched his husband clumsily lick frosting from his bottom lip. 

Ian swallowed and took the cake, putting it back where it was and pulling his husband in until he was sitting in Ian’s lap, bodies pressed together. He wrapped his arms firmly around his waist and leaned his face against the center of Mickey’s chest, rubbing his forehead against the soft material of his tee-shirt. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he woke up without an alarm, it felt good. He felt well rested and settled with his husband’s heavy weight against him. 

“You okay?” Mickey asked, running a hand through his hair. 

Ian leaned his head back, blearily looking up at him. “I’m good, thank you.”

“You’re my big guy,” Mickey said, quietly teasing. “I had to do something.” 

“‘M your big guy” Ian agreed placing his head back down, this time with his ear against Mickey’s chest, content to listen to the rhythmic beating of his heart. 

Maybe they’d spend the rest of their extra time in the morning to make breakfast, or take an extra long shower, or leisurely get each other off, but all Ian wanted to do for the moment was hold his husband and revel in their closeness. 

And what he wanted, he was going to get. It was his birthday after all. 

[lolahaurisfw]

✎ Introduction ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

Here i'll only be taking requests for fluff, platonic, and angst! Reqs are always open like usual too, and you can request as much as you want and as detailed as you want! i just get to things when i can/want to.

Anon's: None Yet

Other Accounts: @lolas-favfics @lolamultifandom @lolahauri @chowderpop

AO3: Here

BlueSky: Here

-> MASTERLIST <-

DNI: Map, Zoo, Pro-Para, Pro-Ana, TERF, Zionist, Bigots, Discourse Blogs. Block me if you don't agree. ❤️🖤🤍💚

What I Won't Write:

Smut. (Go to my other blog)

What I'm Willing To Write:

Reader Who Is: Tall, Short, Fat, Chubby, Curvy, Buff. Trans/NB.

Reader Who Has: Depression, Anxiety, DPDR, ADD.

Fluff, angst, platonic, hurt/comfort.

HC's, one shots, short multi-chapter fics, imagines/drabbles.

Canon-friendly, AU's, Canon Divergence, Out of Character.

Ch x Ch / Ch x Reader / Ch x OC / Poly Ships of any kind.

F/F, M/M, F/M, GN/F, GN/M, Poly Ships of any kind.

Fictional Other (F/O) Imagines: +18, no names, they/them only.

Now that that's out of the way, here's the list of fandoms and characters i'm familiar with and will happily take requests on! (you can request others from these fandoms, but it will prob take me longer)

Adventure Time/Fiona & Cake: PB, Marceline, Marshall Lee, Winter King, Candy Queen, Simon, Ice King, Fiona.

Attack On Titan: Armin, Eren, Mikasa, Sasha, Levi, Hanji, Annie, Historia, Reiner, Erwin, Ymir. 

Avatar: Jake, Neytiri.

Batman Begins Trilogy: Batman, Catwoman, Bane, Joker, Scarecrow.

Beauty & The Beast: Belle, Beast/Adam, Gaston.

Bee & Puppycat: Bee, Deckard, Cass, Toast.

BigBang Theory: Raj, Leonard, Penny, Amy.

Bistro Huddy: All Staff Members.

Black Dynamite: Honeybee, Black Dynamite.

BNA: Michiru, Shirou.

Bob’s Burgers: Bob, Linda.

Breaking Bad: Jesse, Skylar.

Call of Duty: Konig, Ghost, Mace, Keegan, Krueger, Valeria, Farah.

Creepypasta: Jeff, Jane, Ben, Toby, EJ, LJ, Slenderman, Splendorman, Clockwork, Kate, Masky, Hoodie,

Desperate Housewives: Bree, Gabi, Edie, Lynette, Carlos, John.

Dirty Dancing: Johnny, Baby.

Earth Girls Are Easy: Mac, Zeebo, Wiploc, Valerie.

Elemental: Wade, Ember.

Encanto: Isabela, Bruno, Dolores, Julieta.

FNAF Movie: Vanessa, Mike, William/Steve.

Frozen: Elsa, Anna, Kristoff.

Futurama: Leela, Fry, Amy, Bender.

Good Pizza, Great Pizza: Alicante, Octavia, Dr. Keh, Nasir, Flash, Cicero, Kimmy Slice, Dr. Price.

Grandma's Boy: J.P, Samantha.

Gravity Falls: Ford, Stan, Soos, Melody, Giffany, Bill.

Jane The Virgin: Jane, Michael, Petra, Luisa, Rose, Rogelio, Xiomara.

Jurassic Park (1993): Ian Malcolm, Ellie Sattler.

Jujutsu Kaisen: Gojo, Choso, Nanami, Sukuna.

King of the Hill: Hank, Peggy, Luane, Nancy, Dale, Khan, Min, John Redcorn.

Life Is Strange (2015): Maxine, Chloe.

Lisa Frankenstein: Lisa, Creature, Taffy.

Little Mermaid (2022): Ariel, Eric.

MHA: Dabi, Hawks, Aizawa, Shigaraki.

Miller's Girl: Cairo, Johnathon.

Moon Knight: Moon System, Layla, Khonshu.

Mulan: Mulan, Li Shang.

National Treasure: Benjamin, Riley.

Nintendo: Link, Zelda, Peach, Daisy, Rosalina, Luigi, Bowser, Waluigi.

Norbit: Rasputia, Norbit.

Princess & The Frog: Tiana, Lottie, Naveen, Shadow Man.

Ratatouille: Colette, Linguini. 

Regular Show: Mordecai, Margret, Eileen, CJ, Benson.

Resident Evil: Karl Heisenberg, Carlos Oiliveria, Lady Dimitrescu.

Rick and Morty: Rick, Jerry, Beth, Doofus Rick.

Riverdale: FP Jones, Hiram.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Kim, Ramona, Gideon, Wallace.

Scream 5: Amber, Tara, Sam.

Serial Mom: Chip, Beverly.

Silverado: Slick, Rae, Mal, Paden.

Shallow Hal: Rosemary, Hal.

Shameless: Lip, Fiona, Kev, V.

SheRa (2018): All Adults.

Sherlock (2010): Sherlock, John Watson.

Slashers & DBD: Brahms, Ghostface, Michael Myers, Jason Vorhees, Pyramid Head, The Spirit, Huntress, Trapper, Wraith, Trickster, Pearl, Jennifer Check, Stu Matcher, Billy Loomis, Tiffany Valentine, Patrick Batmeman, Thomas Hewitt, Vincent Sinclair, Eric Draven, The Artist, Amanda Young.

Spiderverse: Miguel, Jessica Drew.

Spongebob: Dennis, Man Ray.

Squid Games: Gi-Hun, Sae-Byeok, Ali, Sang Woo.

Stardew Valley: All Adult Humans (Except George & Evelyn)

Steven Universe: Garnet, Amethyst, Peridot, Lapis, Jasper, Blue Diamond, Rose, Greg.

Stranger Things: Robin, Billy Eddie, Chrissy, Hopper.

Supernatural: Sam, Dean, Castiel.

Super Store: Amy, Jonah, Dina, Garrett, Cheyenne.

Tangled: Flynn, Rapunzel, Mother Gothell.

The Batman (2022): Batman, Riddler.

The Breakfast Club: John Bender, Allison Reynolds.

The Nanny: C.C, Fran, Maxwell.

Total Drama Island: S1 Contestants, Chris, Chef, Blainley.

Triple Frontier: Frankie, Santiago.

Turning Red: Ming Lee, Jin Lee.

Twilight: Edward, Carlisle, Alice, Charlie.

YOU: Beck, Joe, Peach, Love.

Young Sheldon: Mary, Connie.

~

Abel Morales (A Most Violent Year)

Astarion (Baulder’s Gate 3)

Babbo Natale (Violent Night)

Barbie (Barbie 2023)

Basil Stitt (Lightning Face)

Beverly Goldberg (The Goldbergs)

Bruce (Beyond Therapy)

Charles Ingalls (Little House on the Praire)

Charlie Dompler (Smiling Friends)

Chel (Road to El Dorado)

Dale Kobble (Longlegs)

Dan Conner (Rosanne)

David Levinson (Independence Day)

Din Djarin (The Mandalorian)

Doug Remer (Baseketball)

Duke Leto Atreides (Dune)

Fezzik (Princess Bride)

Francine (American Dad)

Fujimoto (Ponyo)

Georgia Miller (Ginny & Georgia)

Jack Harrison (Translyvania 6-5000)

Jackson Rippner (Red Eye)

Jon Arbuckle (Garfield 2024)

John Doe (John Doe Game)

Jonathan Levy (Scenes from a Marriage)

John Wick (John Wick 4)

King Baldwin (Kingdom of Heaven)

Kitten (Breakfast on Pluto)

Laurent LeClaire (In Secret)

Linda Gunderson (Rio)

Llewyn Davis (Inside Lleywn Davis)

Master Chief (Halo)

Mike (5lbs of Pressure)

Moe Doodle (Doodle Bops)

Nani Palekai (Lilo & Stitch)

Nathan Bateman (Ex Machina)

Outcome-3 (The Bourne Legacy)

Orestes (Agora)

Paul Blart (Paul Blart: Mall Cop)

Paul Cable (Last Stand at Saber River)

Peggy Bundy (Married With Children)

Peter Mitchell (3 Men & A Baby)

Poe Dameron (Star Wars)

Prince John (Robin Hood 2010)

Robert ‘Bob’ Floyd (Top Gun: Maverick)

Rose Tyler (Doctor Who)

Shiv (Pu-239)

Stanley Ipkiss (The Mask)

Star-Lord (Guardians of the Galaxy)

Summer Field (Time Cut)

Tate Langdon (AHS: Murder House)

The Janitor (Willy’s Wonderland)

Thomas Magnum (Magnum, P.I 1980)

William Tell (The Card Counter)

[hornithology]

Grayson (2014) live read - Issue #2

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once again the cover makes me think of James Bond / spy movies. something about the figures on white. cover by Janín.

Slade as a shooting dummy!

girlpower!

"her power is in the tautness of her core... her power is in her curves." ...ok. we shall see how this goes. I do like that the spy-in-training school is an all-girl's academy, which reminds me of the English boarding school recruitment in le Carré's Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. spy schools are a genre thing, right?

ahh... my heart strings. also, Dick, why are you always shirtless when you call Bruce?

UGGH BRUCE. this dialogue is so good. Bruce what do you mean it was NICE??? what does that mean? you are incapable of directly verbalizing your feelings.

this dialogue is INSANE because 1) Dick slipping up and accidentally starting to say Alfred's name?! 2) Bruce purposefully abandoning their code names on a UNDERCOVER SPY MISSION to say Dick's name?? that tiny kindness he gives him before he tells Dick they can't talk longer. he doesn't have time (or perhaps ability) to say what he wants to so he speaks in this little code.

there's more to this rant but it's not actually what I am researching so I shall shelve it for now.

"de-brief" -- Dick's in top form with the puns. I like this flirting moment, it feels friendly.

hm. hm.

this page has a fun composition, plus a direct spy media reference of Ian Fleming!

"...the more dangerous the stunt."

really, Dick? it's not that you're a little performer liar boy who is really depressed???? sure.

whispered hypnotic trigger that makes you faint like a beautiful damsel!! hot.

ok this panel has me convinced they're drawing on 3d model reference. all of these figures are exactly the same proportion. you couldn't have made the girls different heights? I know it would be too much to ask for different body types. ugh.

Helena you FLIRT.

oh, Dick is so concerned with righteousness and virtue.

absolutely nuts that these are the same writers that did Nightwing #30. you know, the one where Dick said "things can never be the same after this". like. Dick babe you are so isolated that you are acting like things are the same. look at that pained smile on his face. babe. you are so unwell.

that's Grayson #2!

not a ton here for my research besides some development of Helena and Dick's dynamic. very much not enthusiastic about the depictions of bodies in this. ONCE AGAIN HE IS SHIRTLESS WHEN TALKING TO BRUCE.

[aajjks]

DHP!JK

you’re hesitant to follow your husband’s instructions. hesitate to show minji and mi-cha to your son’s nursery. you hear a tiny voice telling you to go back and stay by jungkook’s side, but you should check and make sure junseo is okay. you give your husband one last look before deciding to introduce junseo to his cousin and auntie. “so” mi-cha speaks up. “congratulations. i take it things went smoothly during childbirth?” you give mi-cha a small smile and nod your head. “yeah. i had a c-section, so, that was kind of depressing” mi-cha rubs your shoulder to provide comfort and it feels nice. you open the cracked door of junseo’s nursery and find ahyeon cartwheeling and junseo knawing on his little fist.

“ahyeon, come and meet minji. this is your cousin” you say as you take minji’s hand and introduce her to the sweet girl. as the two are introducing themselves, mi-cha slowly walks over to junseo’s crib. just one look at the 1-month-old has her cooing at his tiny body. “oh my goodness” mi-cha gasps. “y/n~ he’s so beautiful” you laugh. “thank you. he gets his good looks from his mama. don’t tell jungkook i said that—,”

you’re cut off by crystal’s cries and a loud cringing sound, meaning someone has gotten hit. you rush out of the nursery and downstairs, hoping it wasn’t jungkook who had gotten hit, but when you see his head hanging low, you realize he did. you rush to your husband’s side and cup his face, focusing on the bright red mark on his cheek that pisses you off.

“Oh, yn darling, don’t worry about it. It’s OK..”

you know it’s not okay. you want to yell ‘THERE’S A MARK ON YOUR FACE!’ at him, but you’ll save it for later. the brothers continue to bicker at one another until ian angrily grabs his things and demands crystal to leave with him. “i’m not going anywhere, ian” she says to him with her arms crossed. “crystal” ian warns her.

“let’s. go.”

“i. said. no”

“you heard her, ian. now, get the fuck out of our house before i call the cops on your dumbass” you say, glaring at the man in front of you. “you’re gonna regret this. all of you will”

those were ian’s last words.

~🫧

He loves how you just threw his brother out of the house.

And you’ve been so comforting to crystal too it’s been a little hard on her because she’s been crying for the past hour and he doesn’t blame her. It’s hard when your spouse cheats on you.

And he seemed to have no regrets over that, on top of that he had the audacity to threaten you. He cannot believe his brother.

After a few hours, after having another dinner with your sister, you both decide crystal to stay over, “oh Noona don’t worry about it you’re my sister you are actually my sister… stay over as long as you want.” Jungkook says, looking into her tearful eyes.

You decide to show crystal the guest room. After a few hours, your sister also takes her leave. And it’s now 2 AM, and he’s exhausted.

“Come baby.. junseo’s asleep. I checked up on him and I also fed him with a bottle although it was really hard task, but I knew you were busy so.. come to our bedroom.”

It’s such a bad time and he shouldn’t be horny at a time like this, but he cannot help it.

Jungkook takes your hand and leads you to the master bedroom, his body is burning up with desire, and it’s all because of how you defended him and took control.

It was the hottest thing he ever has witnessed.

As soon as you both are in the bedroom, he locks the door and turns on the AC.

“Oh yn… you know, sweetheart? The way you just defended me a few hours ago.. it was the hottest thing ever.” he’s really horny right now and maybe it’s because he hasn’t touched you in over a month.

Or maybe it’s just because this is the first time he’s getting to see a different side of you that has his pants straining. “Sit down baby.. I just wanna show you how thankful I am..” he smirks, looking at you with a predatory gaze.

Once you sit down, on the bed, jungkook starts to strip, he takes off his clothes slowly, making you watch and it’s the best thing ever to see you getting aroused.

Your gaze is hazy, filled with lust and anticipation. You want this as much as him. Finally he throws his shirt to the side and he’s pouncing on you.

“Sorry baby. I know I’m supposed to be gentle and all that but whenever I look at you, I just lose my shit. But I promise I will be gentle.” He coos,you’re a little surprised as he climbs on top of you and you’re thrown into the mattress.

“Just let me fuck you, yeah?” He leans in, burying his face in your neck as he sniffs your scent.

Is it even possible for you to smell better? Yes, and it’s exotic

“mhm..” he inhales, peppering hot open mouthed kisses on your neck, traveling down to your collarbones.

[aeide-thea]

tagged by @aldieb! thx for thinking of me, these little questionnaires are like. a cute little blast from tumblr's more interactive past :)

last song: i was going to have to give a sad little answer here about how i don't listen to music nearly enough anymore (never mind sing) and it's very definitely a reflection of my depression, but then i entirely out of nowhere and very urgently was like 'wait actually i have to listen to gordon lightfoot's "song for a winter's night" right now' so then i dashed off and did that and now that's the answer:

if i could know within my heart that you were lonely too i would be happy just to hold the hands i love on this winter night with you…

favorite color: oof so so many!! colors are so important. the signature one has gotta be a really highlighter-vivid chartreuse (🎾), but i do also really love me a good marigold orange? not to mention vermilion, or ochre, or moss green, or really saturated cobalt, or shades of rust or russet…

last movie/show: shetland bbc, which is a quiet well-acted murder mystery series set in a very beautiful very remote landscape. soothing if you like the british isles and can bear to entertain the fantasy of a decent policeman, at least for an hour or so at a time. also i admit to enjoying douglas henshall's face.

sweet/spicy/savory: all the best things are savory and also spicy! like. the jamaican curried chicken i grew up with. indian curries. malaysian laksa my beloved. can you tell i like curry. :D

relationship status: sidebar but this is such an amatonormative question lol. like why are we societally expected to look at 'relationship' and infer 'romantic.' also it seems like a weird outlier given that all the other qs are low-stakes little softballs abt yr tastes. however. extremely single! sometimes i'm sad about it because i miss sexual intimacy and i'm too shy to pursue that with strangers? but honestly most of the time i'm just as glad, because i don't actually know how to love people romantically without making a whole self-abnegating religion of it, so i'm not really convinced that dating was ever really all that good for me, on the whole…

last thing i googled: i use duckduckgo now, and you should too! :) having said that: 'yoal boat.' which is a very beautiful traditional style of shetland boat—apparently descended from a norwegian model?—that the islanders used to use for fishing, and then for storage draw up onto the land into these little prepared hollows called noosts (they have marinas now), which like. obviously i think is the most charming word imaginable. a cozy little noost for a lovely little boat! 🪺

current obsession(s): yoals aside, i guess the thing that best fits this category is that sometime in the last year or so i turned into Merino Guy??? like. even my boxer briefs are merino now (well, a merino-tencel blend) and like. it's so good, guys. comfy in a startlingly wide range of temps, helps me lessen my contribution to the microplastics problem, somehow even makes for reasonable athletic wear in the right weights and cuts: what's not to like. anyway brb, gotta go print out my 'NOT 🐑ISH ABOUT MERINO' bumper sticker. :D

tag 9 people: oof idk, do this if you'd enjoy it and ignore it if you wouldn't? gonna make like west and pull some names from my activity feed: @e-b-reads, @ghostofasecretary, @leatherbookmark, @nathanielthecurious, @obstinatecondolement, @papavera, @quailfang, @tisiphoness, @youcanthandelthetruth

[thesinglesjukebox]

CLAIRO - "SEXY TO SOMEONE"

Sexy to someone, [6]-y to us…

[6.40]

Katherine St. Asaph: A version of the shut-in femcel dispatch of "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)" or Mitski's "Nobody," via the chill/listless resignation of Colleen Green's I Want to Grow Up, "Some People" specifically. I imagine the song will resonate with a lot of people, but for me it does nothing. This isn't a topic you can psychoanalyze without being a colossal jackass; your sexy is not my sexy, and your relationship to feeling "able to pull it off" is not mine, nor fixed forever. But "Sexy to Someone," as a song, is ostensibly about being wanted but never fully inhabits the idea of wanting. The music expresses low drama and low stakes, and the lyrics are full of hedging and disavowal -- sexiness as something one "can't live without" yet also "just a little thing," "sometimes," "nothing more." It's as if sexy were a nice little mood-booster like a cool spring day or a sweet platonic text from a friend, but you know, if it doesn't happen, whatever. That concept is utterly alien to how I experience it. Sexy, to me, is about urgency, about being caught in sudden freefall by a grappling hook of desire and fascination such that the most important thing in that moment is the person pulling you in, and about flinging your own hook down other cliffs to be seized. There are playful variations, lived-in variations, but none that are indifferent. I don't even think this is an especially unusual stance, but it's not particularly aligned with the current milieu -- c.f., "Everyone Is Beautiful and No One Is Horny" -- which is perhaps why newer songs about the topic feel so un-visceral. (I linked three songs; the timeline isn't perfectly chronological and the genres aren't totally the same, but notice how each crescendos less than the last.) But the culture isn't ready for that conversation. [5]

Hannah Jocelyn: I've been mostly indifferent to Clairo up to this point, but I'm not going to mince words: this is an amazing fucking song about the lack of amazing fucking. In my life I often feel loved but not really desired; maybe because I'm an autistic trans woman, maybe I'm just weird and it has nothing to do with my gender identity. This sounds like every time I've dressed up nicely to go to a concert and secretly gotten frustrated nobody notices me -- yeah yeah, self-love and all that, but I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be desired by someone else. What pushes this over has nothing to do with the conceit: I love how she repeats "Sexy to someone is all I really want/sometimes sexy to someone is all I really want", with the emphasis on seeexxyyyy and then the emphasis on sooommmeeoone. If the whole song was just different phrasings of that one line ("sexy to someone iiiiiisssss all I really want, sexy to someone is aalllllll I really want") it would be a [10], but the lovely woodwinds and piano nearly get it there anyway. [9]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: In which Clairo nails the precise emotional intersection of “I’m depressed and can’t leave the house” and “I’m hot and want everyone to validate me.” Her tone is confessional and intimate; her soundscape is playful and cheeky. “Sexy to someone is all I really want,” her inner monologue deadpans. Mission accomplished.  [9]

Ian Mathers: The vocals are kind of undistinguished, especially at first. Once she locks into the "want to get out of the house" bits towards the end and starts singing more forcefully it works better. Luckily the production is more intriguing, especially those sharp little bursts of sound interrupting every so often. Unfortunately those taper off even as the singing gets stronger, as if we wouldn't want to risk the whole thing being interesting at once. [6]

Alfred Soto: Singing in this breathy manner lends this credible yearning for self-respect a coyness it doesn't need nor can support, but that's the point too. Self-deprecating because she has no choice, Clairo performs not-being-there with feeling. The filigrees rule: the bass splats, the bits of what sound like distorted woodwinds and piano. [7]

Taylor Alatorre: I can relate. Not to the song, mind you – carping about some failed Hollywood auditions when you’re a commercially successful rock musician, in the 2020s, will tend to preclude that. But yes, I can relate. [4]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: The lyrics are great, the music not so much. It certainly doesn’t have the charm of the Rostam productions she’s had in the past; the woozy synths and reverberating piano are a smidge too too tidy to capture the semi-listlessness that this wants to embody. [4]

Jonathan Bradley: It would be missing the point to wish for more from a song this small in intention and idle in its thoughts: the most exciting thing that happens is a coy melody line that appears in the mix like a needle has just been dropped on a gramophone record. Comfortable like a couch with too many cushions and sun-dappled, it lolls in a space that could be lazy or could be anhedonic. "I need a reason to get out of the house," Clairo muses, but even if she's at a loose end, her tune is too easygoing to crust over into malaise. [6]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: "Sexy": really hard word to fit into a pop song that wants to take itself seriously! This is, of course, part of the point of "Sexy to Someone" — it is easy to convince oneself that the desire to be desired is a frivolous one, and here Clairo turns that questioning of a deep want into grist for the pop mill. It's thoughtful and fitfully funny and really not very good at all as a song. It recalls a lineage of too-clever chamber poppers, conjuring a burbling mellotron and a loping bassline to convey not much beyond a stately whimsy. It's restrained to a fault; there's no closure or rupture, just a gradual fade into nothing much at all.  [4]

Nortey Dowuona: Clairo is yearning and hungry. She needs a dollar to get some water after she's found somebody worth of her.  [10]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[yanderelovlies]

Can you make a fanfic of sunny day jack x a s/o who self harms because they have depression?

Are you okay hun? If you need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING THIS FIC CONTAINS MENTION OF SELF HARM PLEASE TURN BACK NOW IF THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFY. BE SAFE EVERYONE

Jack never thought much of you wearing long sleeves. He thought it was something you were more comfortable with. He learned better one night. A simple kiss grew into a heated makeout session that led to your bedroom. When you refused to remove your shirt, Jack grew concerned. At first, he thought that maybe you had body issues. It hurt that you didn't see the beauty in your body like he did, but that only made him more determined to show you just how beautiful you are in his eyes.

“Hey hey….it's okay sunshine you can trust me….I love every part of you…..please let me show you.”

He watched you fidget for a bit. He knew all he had to do was dig in your head to find out how he can heal what's bothering you, but he wanted it to hear from you. He wanted you to trust him that much, and you did. With a shaky grip, you slowly began to lift your shirt. You seemed to be doing fine till it came time to take your arms out, and then you stopped entirely.

You looked at him, your eyes already starting to water before you whispered “Please don't hate me.”

When the sleeves came off Jack’s eyes widened. On your arm were cuts some fresh, others are old and scarred up. He could feel his own heart breaking as his hand came up and gently traced the old one. You never gave him the opportunity to ask your own self guilt did it for you both.

“I-i used to do it when I was a t-teen…..when i finally g-got away from it all, I thought i stopped for g-good…..Then Ian…and I-!” You couldn't continue as your sobs took over.

How long have you been hurting like this? Jack gently pulled you in and just held you. He wanted to say something.. Anythingbut he knew if he tried, he would cry alongside you. He had to be strong for the both of you.

So instead, he waited for the both of you to calm down before pulling away from you and cupping your face. “I don't hate you, sunshine. i never could….I'm sorry i could be there before to help, but i'm here now. I promise we will get through this. No matter what it takes. He kisses your forehead before getting up. “I'm going to get you some comfy clothes. Sit tight sunspot.”

He spent the rest of the night making sure you felt comfortable and safe, and when you fell asleep that night, he started making plans to go over with you to help you. He will make sure you never have to fight this alone again.

[kayluh1915]

Is it possible you can recommend some ianthony fanfics?

Also I want to know your fave ianthony stories 🤭

psssst,��disclaimer…

Of Course! We can't forget about some good fanfics! I haven't read any recently so I may make an updated post a while later after I've read some newer ones and give them shout outs. For now, however, I'll only be focusing on some older classics. I also haven't read some of these in a loooonnnggg time so a few may not be as great as I remember them being. Just keep that in mind moving forward! These are in no particular order!

Brilliant Blood, Beautiful Bones

Warnings: Possible sexual themes. I can't remember lol This fic is one of my absolute favorites. It reminds of me of something like Detroit: Become Human, but this was written before that game came out. I actually recommend anything Patricia has written, but this one is my favorite by her!

New You

Warnings: Sexual themes Unfortunately, this story is incomplete and is only three chapters long. I'm still upset about it, but those three chapters are SO GOOD that I can't help but recommend them. The premise isn't new but it's done in such a unique way that it feels new. I wish the author would come back and finish it, but it is what it is.

Soulmates

Warnings: Possible smut or sexual themes... I can't really remember again... I am such a sucker for soulmate AU's and this one is the standard I judge all other soulmate fanfics I read. It's so perfect on every level. It's fluffy, angsty, bittersweet, everything. I cannot recommend it enough.

#YOLO

I know, the title is extremely dated and doesn't seem like it would be something good, but trust me it's more than the title! It's a oneshot where Anthony buys a motorcycle and Ian's afraid of it. In order to help him get over his fear, Anthony takes him on a ride and he ends up enjoying it. Trust me, guys! It's worth reading.

The Summer to Remember

Warnings: Maybe Smut? I honestly can't remember if there is or not... YET AGAIN This is one of my favorite chaptered stories. It documents Ian and Anthony going on a cross-country road trip over a summer. It seems simple enough, but pesky feelings get in the way and make things complicated. Just describing it makes me want to reread it. I love it. This was written by a fan-favorite author, Grace. Another one of her fics show up in this list, but that's for later...

Kama Sutra

Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content If the title wasn't obvious, this is an extremely NSFW work. I had to throw one in there, guys. This is a little silly at first, but the dynamic they portray here is great and ends up being pretty hot and wholesome. If you're over 18 and like smut like I do, it's worth checking out!

Gone

Warnings: Depictions of depression and non-descriptive suicide This would not be a fanfic list without Gone. This fanfic is the most infamous work in the entire Ianthony fandom. I remember back in the day that the tag was flooded with people love-hating this fic for months. It's extremely well written and hooks you in, but it's absolutely heartbreaking and will steal your soul. The author, Grace, actually reached out to me at the time and thanked me for making her fic so anti-popular. I haven't spoken to her since and her accounts are all inactive, unfortantly. If by any chance she's reading this, I'm sending well wishes and much love to you!

That's all I have for you guys right now. I have some new stories queued up, but I'm obsessed with Stony right now and have been for months... I seriously cannot get enough of those two even four years after they kicked the bucket. However, I promise I'll get to them! When I do, I'll be sure to come back and make a rec post. For now, I hope you and others can enjoy some of the classics! I also have written a few if you'd be interested in checking them out!

[denimbex1986]

'*****

Andrew Haigh’s mysterious, beautiful and sentimental film is a fantasy-supernatural romance about loneliness and love. It concerns the climacteric of middle age when you realise you are probably nearer to death than birth, there is no guarantee that you will live your life inside a relationship and your parents were ordinary, vulnerable people – just like you.

All of Us Strangers is adapted by Haigh from the Japanese novel Strangers by Taichi Yamada, translated into English by Wayne Lammers (already filmed in Japanese), possibly tilting away from the the original’s tone of disturbing possibilities towards a melancholy sweetness, and very much keeping its feel for the eerie and the uncanny but finding something gently revelatory in these things.

Andrew Scott is Adam, a screenwriter in the first phases of depression, listlessly working on a script inspired by his relationship with his late parents, who were killed in a car crash when he was 12. In semi-silent montages, Haigh shows us Adam neglecting his work, watching daytime TV, eating biscuits, broodingly going through old photos of his childhood and putting the music of that era on the turntable, namely Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s The Power of Love. He lives on his own in an apartment in a modern block in London, a weirdly Ballardian-looking high rise in which he fancies himself to be the only occupant – or almost. Adam notices another man who keeps roguishly catching his eye: Harry, played by Paul Mescal. Like Adam, he is lonely; unlike Adam, he is a bit of a drinker. The booze emboldens Harry to approach Adam.

Just as this tricky relationship is beginning to take off, Adam goes on a whim to see the old suburban neighbourhood near Croydon where he grew up. Here, he makes a sensational discovery: mum (Claire Foy) and dad (Jamie Bell) are somehow still alive and living in his old house, which is decorated and furnished just as it was in the mid-80s. They have not aged and greet him with a mild, wry bemusement and easygoing welcome, as if Adam was home early from a term at uni and wanted his laundry doing. This is not a writerly reverie that Adam is having; he is by now about the age his parents were when they died and the universe has given him this secret miracle, to speak with his parents as an adult about his life, being gay and being on the verge of a relationship.

In its Englishness and politeness, All of Us Strangers reminded me a little of Ian McEwan’s The Child in Time and also Will Self’s The North London Book of the Dead, whose hero discovers that, after dying, his late mother has gone to live in a flat in north London’s Crouch End. (In Self’s novel How the Dead Live, we find that dead people go to live in bland suburbs.) When Adam first has a solo chat with his cerise-tracksuit-clad mother in the kitchen – she has briskly told him to take off his wet things after he’d been caught in the rain on his way over – I found myself thinking of Marty McFly’s Freudian encounter with his mother in Back to the Future. Yet the implications are not comic in the same way. His mum looks at Adam and realises that he looks exactly like her dad, the kind of epiphany that indicates that this quasi-ghost-mum is not simply a figment of his imagination.

His mum and dad aren’t angry about his gayness, nor do they make any show of being unimpressed, surprised or matter-of-fact about it – they don’t do the traditional twinkly-eyed we-knew-when-you-were-eight-years-old bit parents sometimes have to do in art, as in life, with varying degrees of sincerity. His dad does wryly say he could never catch a ball. His mum is frowningly concerned about the “lonely” or “childless” way of life he has chosen, evidently unaware of legal and cultural changes that have happened since she died. There are further fantasy scenes in which Haigh indulges in a note of comedy and even whimsy: Adam climbs into bed with his parents, wearing an enlarged version of his childhood PJs, and it’s a measure of the absolute seriousness with which Bell, Foy and Scott play the scene that it doesn’t just come across as silly.

As for Adam and Harry’s relationship, it continues to hold out the promise of happiness, with interesting dialogue scenes: they discuss the way the word “gay” has been replaced by “queer”. Harry’s theory is that “gay” was discredited by being used as a term of abuse in school: a “gay bike”, “gay haircut”, etc. Opinions may be divided over the film’s final scene, whether it takes this drama too far into another (familiar) genre and whether the scenes in which we’ve made such a tearful emotional investment have merely been misdirection. But what tremendous performances from all four; what style Haigh brings to this movie, fusing the themes of romantic relationships and intergenerational relationships of his previous movies Weekend and 45 Years.

It’s a heartstopping moment when Adam walks broodingly through a park and sees, in the distance, another man who briefly gestures with his head towards a thicket of trees; Adam follows, but the scene isn’t what we think. The film is an enormously satisfying and affecting experience.'

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

The Hill of Slain by Ted Nasmith :: [Guillaume Gris]

* * * *

A letter from Jung on depression:

"Dear N.,

I am sorry you are so miserable. "Depression'" means literally "being forced downwards."

This can happen even when you don't consciously have any feeling at all of being "on top"!

So I wouldn't dismiss this hypothesis out of hand.

If I had to live in a foreign country, I would seek out one or two people who seemed amiable and would make myself useful to them, so that libido came to me from outside, even though in a somewhat primitive form, say of a dog wagging its tail.

I would raise animals and plants and find joy in their thriving. I would surround myself with beauty - no matter how primitive and artless - objects, colours, sounds.

I would eat and drink well.

When the darkness grows denser, I would penetrate to its very core and ground, and would not rest until amid the pain a light appeared to me, for in excessu affectus [in an excess of affect or passion] Nature reverses herself.

I would turn in rage against myself and with the heat of my rage I would melt my lead.

I would renounce everything and engage in the lowest activities should my depression drive me to violence.

I would wrestle with the dark angel until he dislocated my hip. For he is also the light and the blue sky which he withholds from me. Anyway that is what I would do.

What others would do is another question, which I cannot answer. But for you too there is an instinct either to back out of it or to go down to the depths. But no half-measures or half-heartedness."

[h/t Ian Sanders]

[unkn0wnsubstanc3]

He's lost Control!

“I am a believer in Joy Division. Fuckin’ hallelujah!”

Fuckin’ hallelujah indeed. That was my immediate reaction after seeing the 2007 biopic Control that invites us into the world of Ian Curtis and Joy Division. The film, directed by Anton Corbijn, who worked as a photographer with the legendary post-punk band, is largely based on the memoirs of Curtis’ wife, Deborah, which gives it its raw and personal feel. Shot entirely in black and white, Control perfectly captures the sombre and melancholic tone of England in the late 1970s. It unveils the fear, alongside the longing, of losing control and masterfully examines the toll that fame and art can take on an individual. 

The film chronicles Ian’s life from his early days in the band until his suicide at the age of 23. But it does so much more than that. The visual language, the cinematography, the use of light and shadow, the music (performed by the actors themselves) all work together in perfect harmony to set the scene skilfully and immerse the viewer. I am there and I am with them. The concert scenes feel incredibly real with Sam Riley, who plays Ian Curtis, getting every little movement exactly right. He gives a powerful and nuanced performance and manages to portray the intense and troubled persona of the singer without descending into caricature or melodrama. Everything flows naturally to paint a beautiful picture of Ian’s life and that of the band, both cut out too soon. Control succeeds where many other biopics have failed. It effectively recreates the gritty atmosphere of the late 1970s Manchester music scene with its introspective mood that poses the question - what does it mean to be an artist? How many sacrifices can you make before you break? Before you lose control of yourself…  

While the answers to those questions remain deeply personal, the film certainly pushes one to go inwards and search for them. Control is outstanding in its effort and serves as a notable tribute to Joy Division’s legacy. It expands beyond the simple progression of an ordinary documentary and strives to add another, more emotional, layer. After all, the film is created by people that knew Ian Curtis and the band personally. On that note, although a rather accurate depiction, at times the portrayal of Curtis’ personal life can feel somewhat one-dimensional, focusing too much on his struggles and not enough on his musical genius. Stephen Morris, a founding member of Joy Division, noted that facts were bent in service of the dramatisation of the story, saying that “the truth is too boring.” Naturally, a big focus of the film is Ian’s failing marriage to Deborah, played by Samantha Morton. She gives a standout performance, filling the character with resilience that makes her an essential counterpoint to his self-destructive tendencies. Without shying away from portraying Curtis’ struggles with epilepsy and depression, his infidelity and drug use, the film paints a vulnerable picture of a man who seemingly mostly dreamt in black and white.

We see his dreams in black and white scenes that flash before our eyes. And we feel them. And we mourn for him. For his life, for all he didn’t get to do and for all he did. For all the control he had… and for the control he lost. The film offers a compelling insight into the life (and death) of one of the most influential musicians of the 20th century. The unique sound of the band that influenced the entire post-punk movement still echoes in our hearts and Control gives us one final glimpse. We mourn because we fear and because we understand. 

[doux-amer]

My favorite books of 2022 in no particular order (well, book cover aesthetics so that this post won’t look lopsided visually)!

Babel, Or the Necessity of Violence: An Arcane History of the Oxford Translators' Revolution by R.F. Kuang

I go back and forth on how I feel about this book. I do think there is merit to the argument that it’s incredibly didactic and it doesn’t trust its readers as much as it should (but then again, you look at the world around us so maybe the heavyhandedness is necessary)—BUT I also liked it despite the things that made me ambivalent about it and I firmly believe it’s THE book of 2022. It’s the most important book of the year and more than any other novel I’ve read recently, it speaks to the truth and the times. Even if it’s not revelatory to you because, well, the subject matter is your lived experience, you feel seen and R.F. Kuang puts what you know into words so elegantly.

If you love words, if you’re fascinated by translation, and you love history, strikes, and searing critique about racism, colonialism and imperialism, etc., read this. R.F. Kuang is brilliant. Wow. What a dazzling, whip-smart mind and strong command of prose. The term “dark academia” is bandied around a lot, but this is what it should be. A disquieting look at the rot and the heartbreak that comes with loving a place that will eat you whole.

Plus, you have to read it for Ramy. I’m begging you. And if you don’t weep over the simple beauty and tragedy of [redacted] at the end of the novel, you have no soul! Just saying!

Blood, Sweat & Chrome: The Wild and True Story of Mad Max: Fury Road by Kyle Buchanan

If you love Mad Max: Fury Road, which you should, you need to read this. There are hundreds of entertaining and insightful interviews with cast and crew and you get an intimate look at every step of the production over the two decades it took to get made. When you watch MM:FR, you have no idea how it got made. Once you read this, that feeling will only deepen because HOW THE HELL did this get made and how did they all survive and not lose their minds?

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters

What a banger of a debut! Super provocative (not an exaggeration as you can tell by the strong reactions to it), romping good fun, and lots of heart even if everything that unfolds makes you channel Marie Kondo and exclaim, “I love mess!” Just look at the summary. It’s soap opera-y, and you know what, we should have queer drama like that too, all while carefully examining gender, motherhood, sex, family, etc. 

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles

This is my favorite book of the year. There’s apparently a theme between this and my 2020 favorite, Piranesi, and to a lesser extent, if you really want to stretch it, my 2021 favorites. They’re about people stuck in one place in one way or another; in the case of A Gentleman in Moscow and Piranesi, literally trapped in one place. But it’s not depressing! I put this novel off for years because I thought it’d be your usual overhyped literary fiction fare that isn’t anything special and is, rather, staid and bland, but it’s SO fun and it’s funny. I love protagonists who are silly but are aware they are. Rostov is just so full of it, but he’s well-intentioned, aware of his shortcomings, and willing to learn. I wanted to be whisked far, far away and I was with Amor Towles’s witty, sparkling prose and his lovingly and intricately crafted world. This is about a man sentenced to house arrest for life in a hotel! You stick with him through decades as Russia, and by extension the world, changes dramatically beyond the doors of the hotel. They’re exciting, turbulent times and you’d think you’d be more interested in what’s going on out there, but no, the world inside is much larger and richer than you’d imagine it to be. A comfort read that I’ll return to over and over again.

Honorable mentions:

Atonement by Ian McEwan - beautiful, but I watched the movie before right before reading it and it’s the rare movie that is surprisingly a very faithful adaptation so I wasn’t as invested in it 

Beautiful Country by Qian Julie Wang - the prose is mediocre, but I can’t tell if that’s due to the inexperience of the writer or the deliberate decision to write from her child self’s perspective. Nonetheless an important read! I also kind of feel it goes into sad immigrant story territory, but it’s a disservice to reduce it to that when this dismantles the myth of the American dream thoroughly. It also gave me a doorway to a Chinatown and New York I’ve seen or only heard glimpses of but never saw (for clarity, I’m a native New Yorker who’s Asian American and I grew up with immigrant friends, relatives, classmates, and acquaintances who struggled financially, but this was beyond that; Qian highlights that difference within the immigrant/first to second gen community well)

Tanqueray by Stephanie Johnson - if you read the HONY posts, you know you’re in for a wild ride. Is it the best written book ever? No. But it’s the most fun one I read last year and Ms. Stephanie has the BEST voice. This is the rare book that made me want to listen to the audiobook and I’ll have to do it sometime. She twirls and rewinds the clock and you can envision New York in all its splendid, dirty glory back then.