#bear grylls tents

[shybluebirdninja]

The Great Outdoors

Summary: Logan takes you on a camping trip, but his survival skills are hilariously outdated.

Pairing             : Logan Howlett x Fem!Human-reader

Genre              : Fluff

The sun was already dipping low behind the trees when Logan parked the truck. He got out like he was about to conquer the wild, while you stood there, looking at the woods and trying not to laugh at the seriousness on his face. Logan wasn’t the camping type—or at least, not the “modern” kind. He was more like the “rough it with nothing but your fists and claws” type.

This was going to be interesting.

“So, what’s the plan, Bear Grylls?” you teased, slinging your backpack over your shoulder.

Logan grunted, pulling out a rolled-up tent from the back of the truck. “Survive. That’s the plan.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Wow, so detailed. I feel so prepared.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ve done this a hundred times. Just follow my lead, and we’ll be fine.”

Oh, boy.

You made your way into the clearing Logan had apparently scoped out beforehand. It wasn’t bad, actually—nice little spot near a river, surrounded by trees that rustled softly in the evening breeze. As soon as you set your stuff down, Logan got to work... sort of.

He started with the tent. You watched him as he unfolded it, frowning like the damn thing had personally offended him. “These damn things get more complicated every year,” he muttered, trying to shove a pole into one of the sleeves.

“Need some help?” you asked, biting your lip to keep from laughing as he wrestled with it.

“Nah, I got it,” he grumbled, jamming the pole so hard it almost snapped.

Five minutes later, the tent was half-collapsed, one corner flapping in the wind, and Logan was cursing under his breath.

“I think it’s supposed to stand up, Logan.”

He shot you a look, then glanced back at the tent. “It’s fine. I’m just, uh... testing its durability.”

You let out a snort, shaking your head. “Right. Maybe you should just let me handle that.”

“I’m a grown-ass man,” he muttered, glaring at the tent like it had insulted his mother.

“Yeah, and you’re losing a fight to a piece of nylon.”

After another moment of watching him struggle, you stepped in and started putting the thing together while Logan, not exactly one for sitting still, decided to gather firewood. He disappeared into the woods with nothing but his claws, because why bring a hatchet when you’re Logan?

By the time he came back, arms full of sticks and logs, the tent was up and looking perfect. You leaned against it, smirking as he dropped the wood into a pile.

“See?” you said, gesturing to the tent. “That’s how it’s done.”

Logan grunted, clearly not impressed. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s see you start a fire.”

You crossed your arms. “Watch and learn, old man.”

He grinned, that dangerous little glint in his eye. “Oh, you’re gonna regret that.”

Logan, being Logan, didn’t just gather some twigs and light them with a match like a normal person. No, that would’ve been too easy. Instead, he pulled out his claws and crouched next to the fire pit, sparks flying as he struck them against a rock.

“Logan, that’s not how—”

Whoosh!

The pile of wood lit up like someone had dumped gasoline on it. Flames shot up higher than you thought possible, and you stumbled back, laughing your ass off while Logan jumped up, cursing.

“Goddammit!” He swiped his claws through the air, trying to beat the flames down. “I meant to do that.”

“Oh, sure,” you choked out between laughs, wiping at your eyes. “That’s the perfect height for roasting marshmallows, right?”

Logan glared at the mini-bonfire for a second, then at you. “Next time, you can light the damn thing.”

You couldn’t stop laughing, the sound of it bouncing around the trees. Logan finally cracked a smile, though he tried to hide it behind a gruff mutter.

After some careful maneuvering (read: Logan finally letting you fix the fire), you both settled down for the evening. The fire was low, crackling softly, the night air cool around you. Stars were starting to peek through the darkening sky, and the only sounds were the soft hum of the forest and Logan chewing on beef jerky.

You leaned back against a log, holding your hands out to the fire. “So, what now? Gonna show me your impressive ghost story collection?”

Logan raised an eyebrow, gnawing on his jerky like a wild animal. “Ghost stories? What are we, twelve?”

“Come on,” you teased. “Everyone knows camping isn’t complete without ghost stories. It’s like... the law.”

He scoffed but leaned back, his eyes glinting in the firelight. “Alright. You want a ghost story? I’ll give you one.”

“Oh, this oughta be good.”

Logan cleared his throat dramatically. “So... once upon a time... there was this girl. Thought she was real tough. Real smart.”

You narrowed your eyes. “Is this about me?”

“Shhh, I’m tellin’ a story here,” Logan said, smirking. “Anyway, she thought she could survive out in the wild with just a little ol’ tent and her wit. But one night, she heard a rustling in the trees... something... watching her.”

You leaned in, playing along, even though you knew exactly where this was going. “Oh, yeah? What was it?”

Logan’s eyes widened theatrically. “A bear! Big, ugly thing. Twice her size. It came into her camp, sniffin’ around, and you know what she did?”

You shook your head, grinning. “What?”

“Nothing. She just froze. The bear ate all her snacks, tore up her tent, and left her sittin’ there in her own piss.”

You burst out laughing. “Wow, Logan. Truly terrifying. 10/10. I’m gonna have nightmares for weeks.”

Logan grinned, leaning closer. “I got more. You’ll be beggin’ for mercy by the end of the night.”

You pushed his shoulder lightly. “You’re such an ass.”

As the night deepened and the fire began to die down, you both retreated into the tent. It was surprisingly cozy inside, the faint warmth of the fire lingering outside while you snuggled into your sleeping bag. Logan stretched out beside you, his body taking up way too much space, but you didn’t mind.

“Comfy?” you asked, glancing at him as he wiggled around.

“Like a fuckin’ sardine,” he muttered, trying to adjust in the small space. “Who the hell makes these tents so damn small?”

“They’re meant for normal-sized people, not... whatever the hell you are,” you said with a smirk.

Logan snorted. “Mutant privilege. I need bigger accommodations.”

You both lay there for a few minutes, the quiet settling in around you. Logan’s breathing was steady, his body warm next to yours, and despite his earlier grumblings, you could tell he was content. This whole camping thing wasn’t so bad, after all.

“Alright,” you said suddenly, turning to face him. “I’ve got a ghost story.”

Logan raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything, so you went on.

“There’s this guy, right? Big, tough, hairy—like, really hairy. The kinda guy you wouldn’t wanna meet in a dark alley.”

Logan rolled his eyes, but you kept going.

“And one night, he decides to go camping with this totally amazing girl—smart, funny, great taste in camping snacks—”

“Wow, I wonder who this is about,” Logan deadpanned.

“Shhh,” you said, stifling a laugh. “But the thing is... the guy? He’s got a secret. See, he acts all tough, like nothing scares him, but deep down? He’s terrified of one thing.”

Logan looked over at you, eyes narrowing. “What?”

You grinned, leaning in close. “Commitment.”

Logan blinked, then let out a low chuckle, shaking his head. “You’re full of shit, you know that?”

“Maybe,” you said, smiling. “But you know I’m right.”

He didn’t deny it, just stretched out a hand to pull you closer, his arm wrapping around you with an ease that made your heart flutter a little too fast.

“I’m scared of plenty of things,” he muttered, his voice low and rough. “Just not the same kinda things as you.”

“Like what?” you asked, curious now.

Logan looked at you, his eyes serious for once. “Losing people. People I care about. That’s what scares me.”

The confession was quiet, unexpected, and it hit harder than you’d thought. You swallowed, unsure of what to say, but Logan just shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, pulling you in tighter.

“Guess that makes you a real badass,” you whispered after a moment, your voice barely breaking the stillness of the tent.

“Damn right,” he muttered, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Now shut up and go to sleep before I start tellin’ real scary stories.”

You smiled against his chest, warmth spreading through you as the sound of the river and the soft crackling of the dying fire lulled you to sleep. And maybe, just maybe, you’d both survived the great outdoors after all.

[shitouttabuck]

fuck it friday

tagged by @eddiebabygirldiaz @try-set-me-on-fire @devirnis @exhuastedpigeon <3

from a new prompt fill i have been having the time of my life daydreaming about and just have to sit and write because it’s all fully written in mine head [pats skull]

“Need a hand?” he asks Eddie, rescuing the bones of the tent and undoing Eddie’s attempted monstrosity of structural integrity. He grins at Eddie’s woebegone expression, passing him the correct pole. “It’s this one, actually. Didn’t do much camping as a kid, huh?” Eddie pouts at him. “My dad was never really around, and Mom is not an outdoors kinda person.” “Not even in the army?” “Those tents are different,” Eddie says, looking pleased as the tent begins to take shape, canvas stretching in all the right places. “And, uh. It’s been a minute, I guess.” “Well, I am more than happy to be your Bear Grylls,” Buck grins. “Buck Grylls, if you will.” “I will not,” Eddie says with a sniff, but he’s smiling, so Buck basks in the warmth of it. “Hey, can you show the kids how to do their own tent? I think it’ll be good for them to know how to pitch it themselves.” “Yeah, ’course.” He gets a little into it, he can tell, shouting “Survival Skills 101, baby!” and continuing with unfettered enthusiasm even once both tents are pitched, showing them the wildlife-proof food boxes and the kindling for the fire pit and how to purify lake water. Eddie reels him in gently when the kids’ eyes begin to glaze over during his explanation of sediment filtration, a hand on his elbow as he interrupts Buck to suggest they collect what’s needed to get the fire going before the sun sets.

tagging @onward--upward @jeeyuns @anakinfallen @chronicowboy @transboybuckley @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @rewritetheending @clusterbuck @buckactuallys if you fancy!!!

[popchoc]

Maya & Carina - 🏕️ 🤕🌷 please

Maya & Carina, ⛺️ 🌷 🤕

Maya is strong. Strong enough to carry someone for quite some distance. But she's also realistic. She knows that carrying Carina would slow her down, a lot, and that they'd never make it back before nightfall. They'd might get halfway, but that would be anything but an advantage.

Their last hour of daylight is way too precious.

"You can make it though," Carina suggests, while biting through the pain. She leans forward to re-adjust the improvised brace around her ankle, careful to avoid the broken bone. They lost a lot of time after her fall, needing to take care of her injury first, but Carina is convinced that Maya can still finish the last part of the trek, especially if she'd take a run for it. "You can reach the parking lot before dark and get help. Or maybe your phone picks up a signal before that?"

Maya shakes her head. "No way," she tells her, a serious and determined look on her face. "I'm not leaving you here. Never."

"But Maya—"

"Carina, no! If we split up and something happens to me as well, we don't stand a chance. Besides, we don't need that risk. We can make it through the night, and then take our time first thing in the morning." Maya takes Carina's hand in her own, giving it an encouraging squeeze. "We'll be okay. Alright?"

Carina just nods. She knows Maya feels responsible. Even guilty maybe. She took Carina out here. Persuaded her it would be a great hike, now that winter was finally over, making the Washington woods accessible again. Accessible and beautiful, with spring breaking through in every possible way.

Not wanting to waste any more time, Maya jumps up.

"We need shelter first. I'll try to build us some kind of tent," she says, already scanning her surroundings. "I can make a fire, too. I think we've got some water left, and we can do one night without food."

"Look at you," Carina grins through gritted teeth, as another wave of pain hits her, "Watching that Bull guy all the time finally pays off."

Not understanding, Maya furrows her brow, but then a sudden snort escapes her - despite their unfortunate situation.

"You mean Bear," she chuckles, remembering the moment when Carina finally agreed to watch the show with her, only to take off in disgust within a few minutes, when Bear Grylls was about to drink his own pee. "And like him or not, but he does know survival. I'm sure you'll send him a thank you note as soon as we're out of here!"

By now, Maya has wandered off a little, still searching around for anything useful. Spring might indeed come with some lovely flowers, but it also means a surplus of buds and fresh, young and most of all tiny leaves. Now why couldn't they have been stranded on some tropical beach, surrounded by giant palm trees?

"This isn't gonna work, is it?" Carina asks, her already existing worry fueled by the now thoughtful expression on Maya's face. Maya turns back to her, alarmed by the tone in Carina's voice.

"Of course it is!" She isn't sure who she's trying to reassure the most, but she has to believe that things will work out. That she can do this. "I- I'm not completely sure how yet. But I'll figure it out. I promise," she goes on, quickly speeding back to her wife. "Hey, look at me. I promise, okay? I know I've been… absent. But I'm here now. And I'm getting us through this. I'll get you through this night."

When she takes Carina in her arms, cautious so she doesn't hurt her even more, Carina looks up at her.

"By building us a roof out of daisies?"

"If I have to," Maya quietly nods, before pressing a kiss to her temple. "I mean, how many would it really take? A thousand? Two maybe?!"

Carina narrows her eyes. "And if that doesn't work?"

"Then I'll cover you," Maya shrugs. "I know it's not much, compared to a roof of daisies, or a bed of roses, or a freaking sheet of tulips, but if it's enough for you—"

"It is," Carina cuts her off. "See, this Bear of yours might be the expert here, and he might very well be right about needing shelter first. But he doesn't have what I have."

Now Maya is the one to frown. "Which is?"

"You, silly!" Carina laughs. "I've got you. And you, my love, are - and will always be - more than enough."

****************************************************

Mix & Match Writing Prompts 

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

My brother's out in the wilderness like Bear Grylls, no wonder we don't hear from him lol

Never expected it, but it's oddly endearing. Maybe because I wouldn't be caught dead outside lol I enjoy my room too much, and bugs scare me 😭

How are you Ange? Prefer a cozy room or wouldn't mind a tent?

We literally do a camping trip in the Peak District every year. I have lost count of the number of times we’ve climbed Mam Tor and Kinder Scout.

It’s crazy to learn the amount of stuff I have in common with this dude; music, how we spend our free time, etc.

I would still rather eat my own fingers than ever have a conversation with him though 🙈

[chicgeekgirl89]

Happy Campers

Fandom: 911 Lone Star

Characters: Carlos Reyes, T.K. Strand, Paul Strickland, Judd Ryder, Mateo Chavez

Rating: T

Summary: When the boys of the 126 decide to spend a weekend camping in the wilderness they're sure they are well prepared for any challenges they might face. Three firefighters, a paramedic, and a cop. What could possibly go wrong?

For the @badthingshappenbingo​ prompt: Poison/Venom

Read on AO3

“Hey! Mateo! D’you put the blue cooler in here?” Judd yelled, eyeing the back of the SUV.

“Yeah, that’s what you said to do,” Mateo said, popping his head up from the bag of fishing gear he was arranging. 

“Yeah, I know what I said, but you gotta put a towel down or something first in case it leaks,” Judd said, pulling it back out again and reaching for a spare beach towel. “See? Keeps it from ruining the floor mats.”

“I thought the point of floor mats was to keep the floor clean,” Mateo said. “What’s the point of covering up the covering?”

“Dude’s got a point,” Paul said, bringing his duffle and fishing rod over. “Where does it end?”

“Look, all I’m sayin’ is, Grace very graciously offered up her car for the weekend so we could all drive together and we need to be respectful,” Judd said, carefully placing Pauls’ duffle alongside the cooler.

“So she doesn’t murder you?” Mateo asked.

Judd nodded. “Exactly.”

“Seems like a good choice then,” Carlos said, handing Judd one of the tent kits so he could continue his game of car packing Jenga. 

This camping trip had been an offhand idea at the bar one night and steadily gained steam as they all managed to find time off to get them an extended weekend out in the wilderness. They had prepped and planed for weeks and they were all excited to hike and fish and sleep out under the stars. 

“Whoa, whoa whoa,” Judd said, holding out a hand as T.K. started to climb in. “You ain’t bringing coffee in this car.”

T.K. looked down at the travel mug in his hand. “It’s herbal tea.”

“Water only. No snacks,” Judd warned them all.

“No snacks?!” Mateo cried “What’s the point of even going if we can’t have road snacks?”

“Listen, unless you’re going to pay for the detailing, nobody is eatin’ or drinkin’ anything other than clear liquids in this car,” Judd said firmly.

“Judd, let the man have his tea,” Grace said as she came out the front door, work bag in hand. “Lord knows he’s gonna need some sustenance for this weekend.”

“I keep telling you we’re gonna be fine,” Judd insisted.

“Mhmm,” Grace said. “So, no ladies this trip?”

“We asked,” Mateo said with a shrug. “They all said ‘hell no.’ I think has to do with the bugs and the dirt.”

“Yeah judging by the character of your ladies, I’m gonna guess it was less about that and more about them not wanting to be around you fools in the wilderness,” Grace said knowingly. “Carlos, you’re going to keep these boys in check the next couple of days, right?”

“Yes ma’am,” Carlos said. “I’ll make sure they get home safe.”

“We don’t need a babysitter,” Paul said closing the trunk of the SUV. “We know exactly what we’re doing.”

“Uh huh,” Grace said skeptically. “Forgive me if don’t think a bunch of city boys can handle themselves in the wilderness.”

“Hey,” T.K. said, “I spent six summers at camp.”

“And some of us ain’t city boys,” Judd said.

“Oh, baby, I know you think you are Bear Grylls, but you grew up in a suburban neighborhood with a white picket fence just like the rest of us. Just cuz you’ve lived in Texas your whole life doesn’t make you a country boy,” Grace said, patting his chest and giving him a peck on the lips. “Ya’ll be safe now, I’m serious.”

“We’ll be just fine,” Paul assured her. “It’s a state park, there will be plenty of other people around. Safe as can be.”

“It better be,” Grace said as she gave them a wave and hopped into Judd’s truck to head to work.

“All right, let’s load up,” Judd ordered. “If we’re gonna make camp before nightfall we need to get a move on.”

“Shotgun!” Mateo yelled, barreling through them all to get to the front seat.

Even with the extra space of the SUV they were a little cramped. Carlos had volunteered for the middle seat and T.K. and Paul were squished in on either side of him, their knees all knocking around as they tried to find a comfortable position.

Carlos ended up pressing his thigh firmly against T.K.’s in an effort to give Paul a little more personal space, but from the look on his boyfriend’s face, he didn’t seem to mind. 

“Should we be offended that your wife thinks we’re not going to survive?” Paul asked as they pulled out of the driveway.

“Nah,” Judd said. “She just underestimates our wilderness skills.”

Personally Carlos was also dubious about their collective wilderness skills. He and Judd had both spent time on family ranches growing up, but the rest of the group were full blown city boys. None of them were truly outdoorsmen in any sense of the word. But the park was well known and they weren’t planning to camp in a particularly remote area. They had a first aid kit and nearly thirty years of first responder training if you added them all together. Nevertheless, Carlos couldn’t help but feel like they might end up calling it quits early.

Despite his trepidation he was looking forward to the weekend. He and T.K. hadn’t seen much of each other lately, work had been crazy for both of them, and his dad had sprained an ankle, so he’d been spending extra time helping out at his parents’ house. It would be nice to have some time together, even if their friends were around too.

“Anybody want jerky?” Mateo pulled a bag out of his backpack, wiggling it back and forth. 

Judd glared at him. “What did I say about snacks in the car?”

“Jerky’s not a snack, it’s sustenance,” Mateo told him calmly, offering the bag to the backseat. 

Paul eyed it warily. “I’m good.”

“T.K.?” 

“Not sure it goes with my tea,” T.K. told him, holding up his mug.

Mateo looked expectantly at Carlos who dutifully reached in and took a piece. He took a bite and immediately regretted it. The thing tasted like dog food, and he had an immediate urges to spit it out, but he forced himself to chew instead. “What do you think?” Mateo asked. “Made it myself. Learned how on TikTok.”

Carlos swallowed. “It’s uh, an interesting flavor.”

Mateo smiled and took a big bite of his own piece. “It’s my proprietary spice blend.”

“Well it smells like ass, so close it back up,” Judd told him as he pulled onto the highway.

“Our friends are fun, aren’t they?” T.K. asked with a smile.

“Pretty sure they were your friends first,” Carlos teased, stealing a sip of T.K.’s tea to try and rid his mouth of the jerky flavor.

“And now we’re family, so you’re stuck with us,” Paul told him with a grin.

Lots of teasing, a few arguments about music choices, and one bathroom stop later they arrived at Bastrop State Park. Judd insisted on parking as far away from everyone else as possible to try and spare Grace any dings or scratches, which resulted in an extra long hike to their campsite with all their gear.

“Nuh uh,” Paul said as Carlos began setting up the tent he’d brought himself and T.K. “You put that tent on the far side of this clearing. We don’t want to hear any shenanigans ya’ll get up to tonight.”

Carlos felt his face flame but tried to laugh it off. “Paul, we’re out in the wilderness and we just spent an hour dragging all this gear in here. I don’t think anybody is going to be up for anything tonight except going to sleep.”

Paul paused putting up his own tent and put his hands on his hips. “I’ve only known T.K. for about five minutes longer than you’ve known him, but the dude is definitely always ‘up’ for you.”

Carlos had thought his face was red already but now it felt like the surface of the sun. “I—“

“Hey babe.” T.K. appeared, his hand immediately going Carlos’ shoulder. “Did we bring sunscreen?”

“Yeah it’s in my backpack,” Carlos told him. 

“Oh, great,” T.K. said, leaning in and capturing his lips in something that was far more than a polite peck and definitely not quite appropriate for the company they were in. T.K.’s smirk was at a ten when he pulled back. “Thanks.”

“Yeah,” Carlos said, his head a little fuzzy as T.K. went in search of the backpack. His eyes found Paul, who sent him an I-told-you-so look. Carlos swallowed and reached for the tent poles. “I’ll just…”

“Mmhmm,” Paul smiled and pointed. “All the way over there.”

The got the tents up and the campsite settled as darkness began to fall. Mateo had started a fire; it turned out the two years of boy scouts he’d participated in during middle school were handy for something after all. 

Dinner was courtesy of Grace, packets of meat and cheese and vegetables wrapped in tin foil and cooked in the fire. Paul and Judd were busy wrangling some sticks to roast marshmallows and T.K. was cuddled into Carlos’ side, a blanket wrapped around them both to ward off the chill of the night air. 

“I am not singin’ Kumbaya with you,” Judd said as Mateo mentioned it for the third or fourth time, clearly trying to get a rise out of him.

“Just one round,” Mateo said. “It’ll be a bonding activity.”

“I’m about as bonded to you as i want to be,” Judd told him. “Now take this stick and start on some marshmallows.” 

Before long s’mores were in production and they were swapping tales of their most ridiculous calls, each more wild than the last. 

“Bees?” Paul asked incredulously as Carlos finished up a story he would never have believed if he hadn’t seen it himself.

“Bees,” Carlos confirmed. “It was terrible.”

“I once had a teenager who tried to deep fry his hand,” T.K. told them.

“His hand?” Mateo asked in horror. “I mean I did some stupid stuff back in the day, but nothing that stupid.”

“It was very stupid,” T.K. said. “Kind of put me off corn dogs permanently.”

“Yeah I can see that,” Judd said, pulling another gooey marshmallow off his stick.

“I had to save an alligator from a four story walk up,” Paul told them.

That got everyone’s attention. “An alligator? In Chicago?” Mateo asked incredulously.

“Illegal pets are big business,” Carlos said knowledgeably. “Is that what happened?”

“Yep,” Paul said. “Building was on fire and the dude refused to leave unless we took the ‘gator with us. Called her ‘Cookie.’”

Judd shook his head as they all laughed. “Some people are just plumb crazy. Ain’t a thing you can do about it.” He checked his watch and got to his feet. “All right boys, time to turn in,” he said. “Fish are gonna be up early. And I would like to take this time to remind everyone that these tents are thin and nobody should do anything that’s going to cause anyone to feel uncomfortable in the morning.”

Carlos was completely mortified, but T.K. grinned. “They make headphones for a reason Judd,” he said cheekily.

“Mhmm,” Judd rolled his eyes and zipped himself into his tent, Mateo and Paul following suit.

“What do you tell them about our sex life?” Carlos asked, infusing his tone with some heat.

“Nothing,” T.K. said as he zipped up their tent. “Well, nothing explicit. What they make up in their own minds is totally on them.”

“Right, the fact that you’re King of Innuendo has nothing to do with it,” Carlos said with a roll of his eyes as he stripped off his pants.

He was busy unzipping his sleeping bag when T.K. tackled him, lips tasting like campfire smoke and marshmallow. It was sweet and warm and Carlos let himself get lost in it. It had been so long since they’d had time together where one of them wasn’t completely exhausted or trying to catch up on things around the condo. He hadn’t even realized how much he missed his boyfriend until this moment.

When T.K.’s hands began to wander Carlos reluctantly broke it off. “Babe we can’t,” he said, trying to keep his voice low. 

“Why not?” T.K. asked, a pout on his face. “It’s been so long, we’re finally alone…” He smirked as his fingers found a very particular spot and Carlos’ breath caught. “And you clearly want to.”

“Everyone will hear,” Carlos managed. “You can’t be quiet.”

“I can’t,” T.K. grinned wickedly. “But you can.”

It turned out Paul had been right. T.K. was always up for Carlos.

XXX

Despite his late night Carlos was the first one up in the morning. The sun hadn’t even risen yet as he crept out of the tent and got the fire started for coffee. It seemed like kind of a waste since they’d have to put it out again before they left, but he knew his night owl of a boyfriend wasn’t going anywhere without it. And he didn’t think anyone else would mind either.

Judd appeared after a few minutes, giving Carlos an appreciative nod as he poured him a cup. He could hear Mateo and Paul stirring as he filled a mug with creamer and just a little bit of sweetener and let himself back into his own tent. 

T.K. was still completely sacked out, an arm thrown over his face, mouth open, ever a chaotic sleeper.

“Hey,” Carlos said softly, giving him a little nudge as he carefully sat down next to him, somehow managing not to spill coffee from either cup. “Time to wake up.”

T.K. let out a groan. “S’too early.”

“Yeah, this is when the fish are out. Come on, everybody else is already getting ready.”

T.K. managed to open an eye and looked up at him. “Let’s just stay here. We’ll be all alone, we can finish what we started last night.”

Carlos shook his head, an amused smile on his lips. “We could. And I would love to. But Judd is really looking forward to showing us all how to fish. It would hurt his feelings.”

“What about my feelings?”

“Your feelings will still be there when we’re actually alone,” Carlos told him. “Come on. Coffee. You’ll feel better.”

It took a lot of cajoling, some promises of things for later, and more coffee, but eventually Carlos got a rumpled, grumpy T.K. up and dressed and ready to head off for a morning of fishing.

Judd turned out to be a good teacher and they managed to catch a half a dozen fish, Paul being the most successful with three decent sized bass. Carlos, Mateo, and Judd caught one apiece and, predictably, T.K. caught nothing but a cat nap against Carlos’ shoulder. 

They grilled their catch for lunch and spent the afternoon in an intense game of corn hole that had to be abandoned for cards when T.K. began to spout accusations of cheating and needed to be physically removed for a half hour to cool off like a toddler.

He was still grumbling about it hours later when they tucked into their tent for the night. “I still say Mateo was cheating.”

Carlos sighed. “T.K. let it go.”

“But—“

“I don’t know how you think someone can cheat at corn hole anyway.”

“His feet weren’t behind the line!”

“It’s a game T.K. Just a friendly game among friends.”

T.K. mumbled something unintelligible from where he’d grumpily wrapped himself up in his sleeping bag. 

“What was that?” Carlos asked.

“Nothing,” T.K. said and Carlos had to bite back a laugh. T.K. was generally such a cheery person that it was funny to see him worked up and in a mood. 

Carlos turned down the lantern and shuffled around until he was lying down on his side next to his boyfriend. “Hey,” he said quietly.

T.K. exhaled through his nose and then turned his head to look at him. “Hey.”

“This trip was a good idea,” he said.

T.K.’s face softened. “You’re having fun?”

Carlos nodded. “We needed this.” He reached over and ran his fingers through T.K.’s hair. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” T.K. said, leaning forward, seeking his lips.

It was slow and soft, and they let it linger to the point that Carlos was pretty sure T.K. was half asleep when he finally pulled back. “Feel better about corn hole now?” he whispered.

“Mhmm,” T.K. said, eyes closed, burrowing as close into Carlos’ chest as the sleeping bags would allow.

Carlos let his own eyes drift shut, feeling T.K. breathe against him. “Good.”

XXX

Their second day wake up wasn’t nearly as early as the first. The sun was peeking out through the trees by the time they made coffee and munched on granola bars and trail mix. Their plan was to hike before the heat of the day and make it back by noon to go kayaking.

Carlos squeezed T.K.’s hand as they began to walk the trail, elated as always by the smile he got in return. Before T.K. he hadn’t known love was stitched together by little moments like this. Holding hands, walking side by side with their friends like it was the most normal thing in the world, this type of moment had become sacred to him. 

The trail was quiet at this hour of the morning and they laughed and joked as they wound their way through the trees. What had started as good natured ribbing about Paul’s dating life had snowballed into talking about Mateo’s lack thereof. Much advice was being shouted back and forth, some of it good, most of it bad.

They rounded a turn, the sun bursting forth, setting the area around them on fire with gold. Carlos let go of T.K.’s hand for a second. “I’m just going to take a picture,” he said, pulling his phone from his pocket.

T.K. nodded and kept walking, yelling something about pick up lines and how they definitely worked if you used them right.

Carlos rolled his eyes, mostly at himself, because he’d love to tell them T.K. was wrong, but his boyfriend had definitely used a few on him, and clearly they’d been effective.

He snapped a couple photos, playing with the angle a little. “Gettin’ a good shot for Instagram?” Judd asked, startling him.

He hadn’t realized Judd hadn’t moved on with the rest of the group and he startled, his phone slipping out of his hand and landing in the brush next to the trail. “Whoa, sorry about that,” Judd apologized. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay,” Carlos said. “I was just lost in my own head I guess.”

He bent to pick up his phone, hoping he hadn’t accidentally shattered the screen or the camera.  His fingers closed around it and then there was a sharp pain in his wrist. He jerked his hand back, letting out a surprised shout.

“You all right?” Judd asked.

That was when they both heard the tell tale rattle and saw something slither off through the bushes. Carlos looked at Judd in wide eyed surprise. “Was that—“ 

Judd immediately swung into action. “Here let’s sit you down, all right?” he said, gently taking Carlos’ elbow and guiding him onto a large rock before turning and bellowing down the trail after the rest of the group. “T.K.!”

Carlos looked down at the two bloody puncture marks on the back of his wrist and felt his heart begin to race inside his chest. This couldn’t be happening. This was not happening.

There was crashing nearby and T.K., Paul, and Mateo all appeared in a rush. “What happened?” T.K. asked, slightly out of breath. 

“Carlos got bit by a rattler,” Judd said, his voice much calmer than seemed appropriate for the situation.

“What?” Paul asked in shock.

“I dropped my phone,” Carlos said, still stunned. “I bent over to pick it up, it was so stupid, I never even checked—“

“It’s not your fault,” Judd told him. “Coulda happened to anybody.”

T.K. dropped to his knees and examined the wound. “It might have been a dry bite,” he said, looking up into Carlos’ eyes. “What are you feeling?”

“Um, my heart is racing,” Carlos said. “My chest is kind of tight.”

“Okay, that could just be the adrenaline,” T.K. told him. “We’re going to clean and bandage the wound and then we’re going to get you out of here.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Carlos said, feeling shaky, but trying hold onto his boyfriend’s calm. A dry bite would mean no venom in his system, which would mean no reason for concern. This might not be anything more than a scare.

“Mateo, I have bandages in my backpack. Paul get me a new water bottle.” T.K. doled out orders, speaking very fast, belying his concern. “Judd, keep an eye on him, okay?”

The team found what he needed in seconds and T.K. began to clean the wound, drawing a circle around it with a pen to mark the area of redness so they could see if it spread. 

The tingling started slowly, Carlos barely noticed it at first with the way his heart and mind were already racing. “You all right there Carlos?” Judd asked.

“Um,” Carlos swallowed hard. “My arm is kind of tingling and my mouth is dry.”

Judd and T.K. exchanged looks. “Mateo, get the radio and call dispatch. Ask them to meet us in the parking lot with an ambulance,” T.K. said. 

“On it.” Mateo was up in a flash, pulling the radio from his pack. “Dispatch this is off duty Firefighter Mateo Chavez of the Austin 126, do you read me?”

“Babe, I want you to tell me the second anything changes, okay?” T.K. told Carlos. 

“T.K.” Carlos couldn’t keep the shake out of his voice, panic running through him like a river. This was bad. Really bad. You started learning about rattlers in Texas as soon as you could talk; how to recognize them, how to avoid them, what to do if someone got bit. Right now all of that knowledge seemed to have fled Carlos’ mind, replaced by pure panic and he thought he might be sick. 

“Hey.” T.K. paused his ministrations to cup Carlos’ face firmly in his hands. “You’re okay. I’ve got you. I’m not going to let anything happen to you, all right? Do you trust me?”

Carlos managed a nod. “Good. I need to immobilize your arm, so I’m going to bandage it against your chest. That should help slow the spread of the venom. Judd,” he looked up and Judd immediately moved to action, helping pull the bandages up and around Carlos’ shoulder. 

They made quick work of strapping the arm into place. By the time they were done Carlos’ heart was pounding in his ears and his entire body had begun to feel shaky, his chest getting tighter with each passing minute.

“How you doing babe?” T.K. asked as he finished securing the bandages in place.

“I’m uh, I’m a little tired,” Carlos told him, his eyelids feeling heavy

“That’s normal,” T.K. told him. “But I need you to try and stay awake, all right?”

“Ambulance is on its way,” Mateo said, rejoining the group. 

“Yeah we still gotta get him off this trail though,” Paul said.

“I can walk,” Carlos said, although his knees felt like they were turning into liquid.

“No, no,” T.K. said quickly. “You need to stay as still as possible.”

“Paul and I’ll carry him out,” Judd said immediately. “It’s only half a mile or so, we got this.”

T.K. hesitated, his mind clearly still running through scenarios and options. “If we wait for a rescue team it’s going to cost us extra time,” Mateo pointed out. “If you want him outta here fast, we should go now.”

T.K. nodded. “Okay, yeah, let’s do it.”

“Don’t try to help,” Paul said as Carlos shifted around. “You let us do all the work, all right?”

They made it down the trail in twenty minutes, Judd and Paul moving astonishingly fast even while carrying Carlos’ substantial frame. They could hear the sirens before they reached the parking lot, and paramedics met them at the base of the trail with a gurney.

They immediately put Carlos on oxygen and fluids, T.K. watching their every move like a hawk, tense, and clearly wishing he could be the one doing it. In five minutes flat they were ready to pull out. “We’re gonna meet ya’ll at the hospital, all right?” Judd said. 

Carlos shook his head from where it was pillowed against the gurney. “You all should stay,” he said, his voice muffled by the oxygen mask.

“Are you crazy?” Paul asked incredulously. “We’ll break down camp and be there in an hour.”

“You just relax and let them take care of you,” Judd directed. “T.K, get in touch when you can.”

“Yeah, we’ll see you soon,” T.K. told him as he pulled the ambulance doors shut.

The heart rate monitor was beeping fast, Carlos’ heart working overtime as the poison slowly spread. His entire body was tingling, mouth numb and dry like he’d spent too long at the dentist, everything hot and feverish. Funny how the thing that was bothering him least was the bite itself; it seemed inconsequential compared to everything else that was happening. 

“We’re almost there,” T.K. told him. “They’ll get you started on anti-venin, probably some antibiotics, something for the pain if you want it. It’ll be fast, probably another hour or so and you’re going to feel a lot better.”

Carlos sucked in a painful breath and tried to speak through the oxygen mask. “I hate…that voice.”

“Which voice?”

“Your…,” he swallowed thickly, “patient voice. It’s…detached. I hate…when you use it on me.”

T.K. smiled and gently carded his fingers through Carlos’ hair. “Don’t get hurt and I won’t have to.”

“You’ll call my parents?” he managed. 

T.K. nodded. “As soon as you’re stable.”

For as anxiety inducing and worrisome as the situation was, their arrival at the hospital was fairly calm. Certainly everyone moved quickly, Carlos wasn’t sure he’d ever been admitted for treatment so fast, but it was all with relatively little fanfare. An exam, some blood work, a lot of questions, and several intense looking bags of IV fluid, and that was it.

Carlos did freak out a little bit when they unwrapped his arm and found the redness and swelling had moved far beyond the pen line T.K. had drawn. The heart monitor spiked and he got extremely dizzy as panic joined the venom in his bloodstream, creating a heady cocktail that made him nauseous.

His good hand found its way into T.K.’s and stayed there, squeezing more tightly than was probably comfortable, but T.K. didn’t complain once. He just leaned closer to explain what the doctors were talking about in that calm, quiet, paramedic boyfriend voice, occasionally speaking up to ask the medical staff about dosages and timing. 

It took a couple hours, but the medication began to do its work and Carlos’ symptoms slowly eased. The nurses checked in pretty frequently and eventually Carlos let go of T.K.’s hand long enough for him to go outside and call their parents.

“What did they say?” Carlos asked as soon as he came back.

“My dad said he hopes you feel better soon and to call if we need anything. Your parents are worried. I told them that you’re fine and they don’t need to drive all the way out here, but I’m not sure your mom is going to listen,” T.K. said.

“Yeah probably not,” Carlos sighed and sank back against his pillows, his good hand coming up to rub his eyes.

“Do you need anything?” T.K. asked. “I can go down to the hospital gift shop, pick up a book or something.”

“No, no I’m okay. I just want you here with me,” Carlos said.

T.K. smiled and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. “You got it.”

Carlos studied him for a moment and T.K. raised his eyebrows. “What?”

“I don’t know how you can be so calm,” Carlos said. “When you’re hurt I am an absolute basket case.”

“I went in the bathroom and cried after I called your parents,” T.K. said bluntly. 

Carlos felt an immediate squeeze of concern, now searching his face even more thoroughly for puffy or reddened eyes. “You did?”

T.K. released his hand, giving it a gentle pat before leaning back in his chair. “And this is why I don’t tell you these things. Because now you’re all worried about me instead of yourself.”

“I don’t want you to be upset.”

“I know. But when you get bitten by a rattlesnake miles away from civilization, I’m not sure what other feeling I’m supposed to have.”

“I’m so—“

T.K. cut him off. “No. Do not apologize. You don’t apologize for things outside of your control.”

Carlos mulled that over for a minute, things still not sitting quite right. “Can I say thank you then?”

T.K. rolled his eyes. “Yes, you can say thank you.”

Carlos lifted his good hand a crooked a finger so that T.K. leaned toward him, their lips meeting in a soft kiss. “Then thank you.”

There was a knock on the door and Judd, Paul, and Mateo poked their heads in. “Hey, do we get thank you kisses too?” Paul asked cheekily.

Carlos laughed. “You guys carried me half a mile. I will thank you in whatever way you want.”

“Cookies,” Mateo said immediately. “Those ones you brought to the 126 a couple weeks ago.”

“Okay, maybe we let the man recover before demanding baked goods from him. You up for some visitors?” Judd asked.

T.K. looked at Carlos, as if he were judging whether or not Carlos could handle it. “Yes, come on in,” Carlos said, ignoring his concern. 

“Looking pretty good there, buddy,” Paul said as they gathered at the foot of his bed. “Feeling any better?”

“Yes,” Carlos said. “Much. Thank you guys again for all your help out there. I’m so sorry this is how our trip ended.”

“Aw, don’t worry about it,” Judd said, then he chuckled. “Just nice to see someone other than T.K. in a bed like that.”

It made them all laugh and T.K. took the ribbing good naturedly. “Seriously though you had us a little worried there. Glad you’re doing okay,” Paul said.

“I wasn’t worried,” Mateo said.

Paul rolled his eyes. “You cried back at the campsite probie.”

“I did not cry!” Mateo exclaimed. “It’s my allergies. They’re bad yo.”

“Well there’s certainly no need for tears,” Carlos told them confidently. “The doctors said it’s something like what, five people a year die from rattlesnake bites?” He looked at T.K. who nodded an affirmative. “And I do not feel the need to defy the odds and be one of them.”

The guys stuck around for a bit, chatting and keeping them company. Carlos started to flag, but tried not to show it. He’d already ruined the end of their trip, he didn’t need to kick them out so he could take a nap. 

“We’d better be gettin’ back,” Judd finally said, clearly reading the room and the drooping of Carlos’ eyelids. “Although if you don’t hear from me again, it’s cuz Grace has buried me in the backyard for not gettin’ you home safe.”

“You did get me home safe,” Carlos said sincerely. “Tell Grace to give me a call. I’ll vouch for you.”

“You take it easy,” Paul said, giving his leg a pat through the blankets. “T.K., keep us posted.”

“Will do,” T.K. told him.

“Aw, come on, one group hug before we go,” Mateo said, holding out his arms and advancing on Carlos.

There was a lot of grumbling, and it was kind of awkward with all of the IV lines Carlos was hooked up to, but they managed something close to a group hug in the end and then Judd, Paul, and Mateo headed out.

“You should try and get some rest,” T.K. said, fussing with Carlos’ blankets and checking his IV’s yet again.

“They’re still in there T.K., I promise,” Carlos told him, his words slow and slippery as they came out of his mouth. He was fading fast, two nights of sleeping on the ground probably not helping much.

“Sorry,” T.K. said, sitting back down in his chair. “I feel like I should be doing something. I’m not used to being on this side of things.”

“I don’t need you to do anything,” Carlos told him, trying to force his eyelids to stay open, “except maybe hold my hand.”

T.K. smiled softly and reached out, intertwining his fingers with Carlos’. “That I can do.”

“How long do you think until my mom shows up?” Carlos mumbled, losing the battle as his eyes drifted shut.

“I give it about another two hours.”

“She’s going to be worse than the rattlesnake bite.”

“I’ll head her off. Don’t worry.”

“M’kay.”

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Reality TV show Masterlist

A drop in the ocean (ao3) - ShippingFangirl26 (IceQueenJules26)

Summary: Dan had been ecstatic when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing wanted him in the next season, until he found out HE would be there.

A Perfect Pair (ao3) - husbants

Summary: Dan, a struggling actor who works retail by day, and Phil, an ex-YouTuber-turned-porn-star, end up matched together on the new reality show, Perfect Pair.

a white-hot pride for you to see (ao3) - keeplovinanyway

Summary: There's different sorts of prides: quiet and personal, loud and happy - and there's the angry one, that makes you want to fight those who are the reason your life is so hard sometimes.

On the airplane aisle across from Phil is a homophobe who doesn't like him watching Queer Eye. So what if he has a little fun with this?

Famous Last Words (ao3) - potatoesarenotforsex

Summary: Dan is on his way, early in the morning, hope in his heart and trepidation in every step. He never expected to bump into a friendly stranger at the train station, nor could he ever have predicted how that boy would change his life. Friends, rivals and strangers join together for a reality tv experience that no one could have predicted.

How I Met My Boyfriend on Queer Eye (warning: super gay) (ao3) - danhoweiis, twoheadlights (fizzfic)

Summary: au where dan is a hero on queer eye and accidentally falls in love with one phil lester

If These Walls Could Talk (i hope they wouldn't say anything) (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: Dan and Phil are both contestants on Love Island. There's an upcoming recoupling, but Dan doesn't know where Phil's head is at, and where they stand.

Phan - Survivor AU (ao3) - superbcandyangel (orphan_account)

Summary: Phil Lester is on Season X of Survivor, he meets Dan Howell.

Sidetracked (ao3) - phanimist

Summary: Dan and Phil are both contestants on 'The Bachelorette', but fall in love with each other instead of the girl.

Stirring in Love (ao3) - andthenshesaid-write (ladyknight1512)

Summary: When Phil applied to be a contestant on the Great British Bake Off he didn’t even expect to make the long-list, let along make it into the actual tent. But make it he does and there he meets Dan, a baker unlike Phil in every possible way. After a rocky start, Phil realises that maybe he can learn some things from Dan after all, and the biggest things have nothing to do with baking.

The Bachelor (deviantart) - unicyclingelephant

Summary: One Bachelor. 25 beautiful contestants. 1 chance at love.

The Island - yougetusedtonotknowing

Summary: Based on the TV show ‘The Island with Bear Grylls’ in which a group of ordinary people are challenged to survive on a deserted island for a month. Dan expects the rain, the hunger, the exhaustion, and the frustration. What he doesn’t expect, is friendship.

Total Drama YouTube (ao3) - ReallyPham

Summary: Inspired by the TV Show, Total Drama Island.

28 YouTubers have agreed to participate in the new TV Show, Total Drama YouTube where they'll have to do real life YouTube challenges and try to survive the cruel judgement of their fellow peers. They'll sacrifice it all just to win 1 Million Dollars on TOTAL DRAMA YOUTUBE!

You’re Poison (ao3)- DarkEyedDreamer

Summary:When Dan signed up for Big Brother he didn’t expect it to be that difficult. He always thought himself to be a level headed guy. But that was before he realized his arch enemy and former celebrity crush were both going to show up. Troye didn’t like bringing up the past. He always preferred to act like it didn’t exist. Things were a whole lot easier that way. But now he was going to be trapped with his past for the next three months, and all of a sudden pretending like nothing happened wasn’t going to work. With all the drama that young people seem to bring to the table, anything can happen. Adding in challenges and a chance to win $50,000? All bets are off. So who will be going home with the gold? And who will be causing the most drama along the way?

YouTuber Big Brother (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: Twelve hopefuls are locked in a house together for up to a month, all battling it out to come out victorious and take home £100,000. All they have to do is survive the tasks, the rations, each other, and the all-seeing eye of Big Brother and the viewing public.

[queenofgraveyards]

omg can i get some flower lore like how did poppy start working at the bakery(maybe her mom somehow ties into it like she would take her there after something happened with her dad or it was just her mom’s favorite)? what are h everyday shoes? did they have pets growing up(i feel like poppy wouldn’t bc of her dad obvs)? are they allergic to anything? is h into like survival and stuff(i feel like he would so be into camping and all of that and he would force poppy to go with him bc he’s codependent and bc he would LOVE to fuck poppy like on a tree or something like that lol)? what’s h fav veggie? does poppy do arts and crafts(i like to believe she crochets mainly bc i crochet but i can totally see her making cute little hats for the little girl i forgot her name lol but like imagine pregnant flower making clothes for the baby😭😭 i KNOW h would be feral)?

i'm so sorry it's taken me so long to answer this i just really wanted to make sure i knew what i was talking abt for i said anything 😭

k so, the bakery was literally just her mum's favourite!! and i believe poppy mentioned that they did classes there too and bc her mum loooved their stuff and she also loved baking (n cooking she was literal like the perfect home maker anyway) she took poppy along when she was old enough and it kind of became their thing!! and then poppy got a weekend job there too, even tho she didn't really need one mainly after her mum died bc she hated being at home and hated being around her brother and dad plus it was a way to help her feel closer to her mum!! oh h's everyday shoes 🤔 that is such a GOOD question its literal a rat but for some reason i imagine he would be a boot guy, but they'd probably be that nasty ass pair of dark brown suede boots that rl h used to wear a lot, and they'd be so beat up and yuck bc flower h does know not or care or realise that you have to look after suede and not get it wet lmaooo omg could you IMAGINE flower h as a prepper bc honestly? i can and like he would be soooo funny bc he hasn't had a logical thought in his entire life and yet he's worrying abt the end of the world and has all these plans in case him n poppy aren't together and how to get across london to each other and where to meet etc, also i think he unironically LOVES bear grylls and all of his stupid survivor shows and yes he loves camping which blows poppy's mind bc she's like...this man loves camping? THIS man who can't be without his xbox longer than a day loves the outdoors? lol ok and yes ofc you're right bestie flower h would be FERAL for fucking poppy outdoors, in a tent, against a tree, just on the ground, you name it he's into it and he'd be so yuck going on about it being natural and he'd have to fuck her on her knees bc that's how it happens in nature and poppy would literally be like..........ok!

flower h has never eaten a vegetable in life next question (he doesn't like asparagus)

poppy paints! it doesn't really get mentioned in bloom but she does it a couple of times in flower and she's a very good drawer/painter!! but you're also right i could see her doing some kind of needle work crafts too, i feel like she'd TRY to crochet and immediately suck at it and we all know poppy is a if im not good at it immediately then im not interested kind of gal so she'd give up, i could see maybe her being into embroidery and she'd make everyone a little round hanging embroidery hoop for christmas or something, i could also see her getting into diy candles for a hot min like where you heat and melt n shape tapered candles into fun shapes, i feel like that would be her thing too until she inevitably gets bored haha

and yes of course bestie, you are SOOOOO right flower h would go feral for a pregnant poppy, like not even in the same way bambi h is insane about that kind stuff but his is in a more disgusting feral way and ofc he would be OBSESSED with a little baby poppy like imagine him being a girl dad too and he would be SO in love with this tiny little creature that looks exactly like his wife and he just vows to be the best dad ever and be the dad to their baby that poppy unfortunately never got

[campseer]

Embracing the Wild: Unleashing Adventure in the Great Outdoors

Introduction:

Welcome, fellow adventurers, to my untamed corner of the internet! Today, we embark on a journey beyond the confines of city life and into the realm of outdoor exhilaration. Strap on your hiking boots, buckle up your backpacks, and get ready to experience the thrill of nature's playground like never before.

The Call of the Wild:

Escaping the Concrete Jungle Escape the monotony of the concrete jungle and dive headfirst into the embrace of Mother Nature. Discover the hidden trails, breathtaking vistas, and the sweet serenade of chirping birds. It's time to let your spirit roam free, guided by the compass of adventure.

Gear Up, Get Out:

The Art of Equipping for Outdoor Triumphs From tents that become cozy sanctuaries to multi-functional gadgets that make Bear Grylls envious, we delve into the world of outdoor gear. Unveiling the tools that transform ordinary outings into extraordinary escapades, we'll explore the must-haves and uncover the hidden gems that will have you prepared for any wild encounter.

Embracing the Unexpected:

Tales of Triumph and Mishaps In the wild, unexpected moments become the fodder for unforgettable stories. From hilarious mishaps to triumphant victories, I'll regale you with tales of conquering mountain peaks, battling rogue mosquitoes, and forging bonds with fellow adventurers. After all, it's the unexpected twists that transform outdoor excursions into unforgettable memories.

Unleashing Your Inner Explorer:

Lesser-known Treasures Await Beyond the tourist hotspots lie hidden gems that only the true explorers stumble upon. Let's embark on off-the-beaten-path adventures, unraveling the secrets of remote waterfalls, uncharted trails, and untouched wilderness. It's time to go where the crowd doesn't dare, discovering the wonders that await the intrepid few.

Conservation and Connection:

Leaving No Trace, Building Bonds As we wander through nature's wonderland, it's our responsibility to protect and preserve it for future generations. Discover the principles of Leave No Trace and the importance of sustainable practices. Along the way, we'll forge connections, not just with the wild, but with fellow outdoor enthusiasts who share our love for the environment.

Conclusion: So, dear adventurers, are you ready to embrace the wild? It's time to trade screen time for starry nights, stress for serenity, and ordinary for extraordinary. Let's embark on a journey that will leave us breathless, inspired, and with a newfound appreciation for the untamed beauty that surrounds us. Remember, the wilderness is calling – will you answer?

@campseer

[mochie85]

"It's inevitable!" 😍

The visual image i got in my head after reading this masterpiece! 🥵🔥

I'm not an outdoorsy kinda girl. But if you mention Loki-tent-sex...I might just turn into Bear Grylls.

Deep in the Forest [Loki x Reader]

A link to my Masterlist is HERE Summary: Just a short, smutty, imagine. You and Loki in a tent having feelings. Warnings: 18+ only. Smut. Mild angst. (w/c 750)

Loki’s lips brush down the delicate skin of your throat; kissing slowly in time with his thrusts. You can feel your pulse inside his breath, flooding the sliver of space between you as his mouth comes to rest on your shoulder with a whisper of praise.

Quiet. You have to be quiet.

The way he moves inside you, the muted whimpers he stifles with every drag of his cock to the tip—if you could absorb a moment, wrap yourself in it forever, it would be this one.

Moments ago, his fingers burst through the thin bottom of your tent. He was willing himself not to explode, or moan so loudly the foxes would begin to howl. Either way, it amounts to the same.

They curl deep in the earth as he roots himself: his digits in soil, his cock in your cunt. The other hand plays with your breast, thumbing the nipple, and his sighs grow heavy while the humidity rises. “Darling,” he murmurs, and you comb damp straggles of hair from his face. His sapphire eyes find yours in the gloom of smothered torchlight; hooded, fogged with a desire he can never name. But you can: ‘love’—and so will he…eventually. The others are in tents dotted around yours.

Cap said, explicitly, ‘no, late night shenanigans’ while looking directly at Loki. And Loki had smiled, innocence swelling in his eyes as he pressed a palm to his chest: wounded. But he came, like he always does, because he can’t resist what you are together. He never can. “Darling,” he chokes again, as another liquid rock of his hips makes you forget your own name. Your legs tighten around him, pushing him deeper, and the torch rolls from its forgotten nest in the sleeping bag. “Shit, Loki…” you hiss, fumbling a hand towards the traitorous torch. Cap'll be all over that like nettle burn. He snorts against your hair, and in a flash, the clunky object vanishes. And with it—the sniff of light. “Hush,” he soothes, making you clench around the root of his cock. For some fucking reason his voice is even more devastating when you can’t see his face. “You wouldn’t want me to be discovered, would you? Deep inside you; deep in the forest of a strange land.” A shiver wrenches down your spine and makes your hips jolt.

Loki groans, stifled by a well-timed kiss. His tongue nudges deeper, a contented sigh rumbling in his chest as you arch into him and his palm slides under your head. Slowly, slowly, he rolls upwards, tugging your clit with his pelvis. It’s inevitable, now.

Climax sparks and begins to blossom outwards, licking between your thighs, tightening every muscle beneath your waist with pure pleasure. It’s inevitable, you think—as he pants quietly in time with your quickening breaths, as he smothers the need to spur you on with loud, filthy commands. A short whine slips between his teeth, and his back muscles tense. “Cum with me, Loki,” you whisper, and his heartbeat hammers against your chest. Long curls pool in your collarbone as his lips find yours in the darkness and Loki of Asgard groans his orgasm deep into your throat.

It’s inevitable, you think again, as your hand slides down his damp back, over the curve of his unbearably hard ass, clutching the twisted sleeping bag in a fist. The two of your are right together, and the world makes sense. He kisses the side of your nose as your silent gasps of orgasm ebb; the tip of your cheekbone, the shell of your ear. Loki's nostrils puff quietly in the humid silence. A droplet from the tent fabric drips onto your leg as you unwind from his body and he shifts to the side. He slips from inside you, seed hot on your inner thigh, and you miss him immediately: a particular kind of emptiness. You wonder if he feels it, too.   “I should go,” he murmurs, but he doesn’t want to. Resistance strings through the syllables like dew on spiderweb. You wait, just in case there’s something else he wants to add to that statement. A confession of love, perhaps. But in the pitch black, the only thing that follows is the trail of a long finger down your cheek, and a brush of his thumb over your lips. And then, his breath hitches. “I…” he starts, and then the words are eaten by the darkness in which they find themselves.

“Go,” you whisper. He leans forward, catching your lips like he’ll never leave. But he does, leaving a gap in the tent flap so you can see the stars. The tent smells of him. “I love you,” you whisper into the pillow with a smile, imagining Loki doing the same four tents over. You’ll say it soon enough. And so will he. It’s inevitable.

Tags in comments❤️x

[pinecellar]

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. (Or at least attempt to)

Today I wrote out a list of things I want. Here it is:

To create, film, write and act in my own projects

To build or find an artistic (hopefully queer) community and foster it

To be a better friend and support; potentially later a lover/partner

To have an income

How to do this? I frankly have no idea, but I am tentatively optimistic that I can figure this out.

2024 has been one of the toughest years of my life, next to 2013 when I ended up unhoused and lived out of my car. It almost seems like it’s entirely unraveling. I got laid off from a job I loved, I lost my beloved cat Biz, and my partner (of over 10 years) and I amicably broke up recently. Needless to say, I’m pretty shattered and scattered at the moment.

However, there are so many things for which I am thankful. I have my health. I have housing. I have marketable skills and a frankly impressive resume. I have savings I can dip into as finding employment in my professional field currently (product design) is BAD and likely will continue to be bad. I have been on interviews (which I typically ace, thanks to my former life as a professional actor with hundreds of auditions under my belt), I have honed my resume, I have redone my portfolio and personal branding (the latter I know is cringe but necessary), and I have built new skills quickly. I have, as the old Bear Grylls meme states, improvised, adapted and overcome.

I am a survivor. I had to be all my life. However, as I inch closer to middle age, I know I can’t keep this up forever. I don’t want to be an island or a recluse. This I know. No person can be and maintain their well-being, but I also don’t want to say goodbye to filmmaking/acting/storytelling. Not until I figure out what she wants from me.

Creative pursuits are volatile lovers. Filmmaking/acting has been pestering me for years after I left Los Angeles and my inability to properly address her while juggling my “life after her” has had extremely negative effects. I have changed in a bad way. The passionate, vivacious, creative person I was got pushed aside. Yes, I am a far more stable, professional and easy going person than I used to be, but I never evolved that past creative life/person into something else. I never married my past and my present in a satisfactory way. I basically unceremoniously pushed her away like she was some childish pursuit to be shunned and abandonned, but she was always there. Always whispering. Always taking me away from the people and the life I had built after her and making me resentful of it all.

My partner always supported my creative pursuits. I want to make that clear. I just didn’t know how to handle my “creativity mistress” and be what my partner needed. I deeply love my partner still, and always will. I want them in my life, but I want them to be happy and fulfilled. I can’t be a good and present partner for anyone until I figure this creative gnawing out, but I do know I ultimately want to be someone’s lover and partner, fully and generously. I know I’m more than capable to love, give and support through good times and bad times. I’ve done it before, but I want to give myself fully this time.

I have been working on a short “film” for months now. My layoff threw me through a loop financially and emotionally, which delayed its progress. I have learned a lot from this project about what is too ambitious for one person. I am beginning to try new time management processes and project management so I can sustainably continue this type of creative workflow when I ultimately gain employment (unfortunately, you gotta pay those bills).

Things are so volatile right now that I am gonna stay away from the news and lock my phone daily to prevent “doom scrolling.” There are things we can control and things we can’t. I know what I can control and it’s not the national or global political stage. I don’t what is gonna ultimately happen, but I sincerely feel like everything is gonna be okay.

[gravity-barbie]

Taking the Hargreeves camping HCs

Request @tainted-petals

This can be read as romantic or platonic (except Five’s)

Masterlist

Luther Hargreeves

-You get the idea to take Luther camping when he mentions he had always wanted to go to summer camp as a kid, it’s not the same thing (especially considering the more dedicated way you do it) but he lights up at the suggestion and the plans in motion

-He loves doing things like this, well not this specifically, but making up for all the experiences he had missed while cooped up in the academy, camping was probably already on his new bucket list

-Luther did some research before hand, both to be safe and hopefully impress you, and when it comes to every skill from setting up a tent, fishing, foraging and so on, he’s either an instant pro or completely inept, there’s no in between

-He’s more handy than not and he’s a good sport about helping with the moor tiring aspects of camping too, plus, with him around you can go even deeper into nature than usual with the reassuring knowledge that your companion could take on a bear if necessary

-He absolutely loves camping cuisine, cooking over an open fire, catching his own fish, and he swears something about the wilderness air just makes it taste better

-He actually really likes being surrounded by nature, there’s a similar peacefulness to it like what he felt on the moon, but he also feels more free, and confident, and capable than he ever has before

Diego Hargreeves

-Considering Diego’s whole macho-act you’re honestly shocked to learn he’s never been camping, he’s in turn offended by your surprise which makes it very easy to convince him to go with you, feeling the need to prove himself

-You wouldn’t know he lacked experience with how confident he starts acting once you’re in the forest, he like skimmed an article about camping and suddenly thinks he’s Bear Grylls

-To be fair, he is a natural at enduring the great outdoors, athletic, resourceful, hands-on, and he’s one of those people that kind of likes the challenge of it, and the chance to test his survival skills (and show them off)

-It takes him a bit of time to let his guard down but once he does, the experience oddly relaxes him and has him more willing to be vulnerable and open with you than usual

-He’s a fan of the freeing aspect of the activity, the open space, all the spare time, the relative solitude, all the things he’s usually denied by his city life

-Bringing him was definitely a good idea, it’s not really the type of thing he would decide to do on his own but it really suits him, he realises pretty quickly that he could see himself going again, maybe even trying hiking or something next time

Allison Hargreeves

-Not exactly the outdoorsy type, Allison is hesitant when you bring up the idea, only agreeing because it’s you, and even then she (unsuccessfully) tries to bargain for more high-tech camping gear

-Despite her disinterest, she is actually very good at many of the practical matters, chopping wood, tying tough knots, building a tent, they’re all child’s play for someone who grew up as she did

-As she isn’t entertained by the nature or work alone, she’s more talkative than usual, get ready for a lot of 20-questions like games and personal inquiries, if nothing else she does appreciate the opportunity to get to know each other better

-She can’t help herself from bringing some homey touches to cozy up your tent, which she does actually have fun with, it reminds her of the forts she’d occasionally make when she was younger

-Despite her reservations, she finds herself unwinding and really enjoying herself as you sit around a campfire, making smores and opening up about yourselves

-She does really like the ‘unplugged’ aspect of camping, it feels amazing to be completely out of the limelight, it’s the most peace she’s had in years

Klaus Hargreeves

-Klaus doesn’t necessarily know if he wants to brave the great outdoors, but he’s slept in enough alleyways throughout his life that he figures it shouldn’t be that much of a challenge and agrees to go pretty easily

-Normally he would avoid this potential discomfort, but now trying to live off the land makes him feel like he’s getting in touch with his Amish roots, which is something he wants to experience at least once

-He’s still a bit of a complainer though, pawning off as much of the hard stuff onto you as you’ll let him get away with, and most his attempts at hard labour are best described as comical

-Despite that, his whimsical personality is a nice edition to have, it makes the occasionally tedious tasks so much easier to get through, and each memory will be way more colourful with him around

-Being surrounded by nature really brings out the adventurer in him, he’s very eager to drag you off to explore, but keep an eye on him because he will get lost otherwise

-His inner flower-child does really enjoy all the freedom and spontaneity of the activity, he’s half-joking about how he’s one with the wind and all that, but overall he probably wouldn’t go camping again for a long while

Five Hargreeves

-At first Five rejects the idea, having spent more than enough time cut off from civilisation, but with his ‘retirement’ he’s opening himself up to new possibilities and decides to take you up on your offer, actually going into it with quite an open mind

-He does put a lot of care into planning though, and on top of that picks a campsite near a landmark he’d like to visit, because he is trying to turn this into a full blown road trip

-He has top tier survivalist skills, and can easily keep up with your more natural camping style, he could probably even teach you a life hack or two

-But he has a much better time when he’s experiencing new things, he enjoys learning to fish, he loves spotting animals, having rarely seen any up close throughout his life, and he finds he’s a huge fan of s’mores

-He’s less of a fan of the poor sleeping conditions and might keep you up for a while with his complaining

-The trip does a lot to reduce all the stress he’s been carrying, from the atmosphere, the lack of pressure to be productive, and just for once in his life being able to do something recreationally, suffice to say he’s glad he let you talk him into this

Viktor Hargreeves

-You are not surprised to learn Viktor’s never been camping, he isn’t one to step out of his comfort zone, however if anything you find camping to have a positive effect on your mental health which is something he sorely needs, so you decide to invite him along on your next trip

-He is a little weary (to be fair he hasn’t had the best experience going to secluded parts of the woods with people), but he trusts you, and you could talk him into just about anything so he gets on board

-He struggles a little with some of the physical challenges like making the tent and fire, but the two of you laugh it off, and he’s a quick learner once you give him a few pointers

-There’s actually something empowering about this experience for him, from learning all these new skills, overcoming obstacles and getting in touch with his instincts

-He does prefer the quieter moments, really appreciating the intimate atmosphere, when’s he’s laying on the ground, gazing at the stars and just listening to the running stream in between conversing with you

-It also provides a nice environment to practice his music, he’s at ease, inspired by the scenery and is playing the best he has in a while, which is also a nice source of entertainment for you

[roobgumball95]

can you imagine like,,, a seijoh camping trip,,,

you can’t tell me iwaizumi wouldn’t be the highschool student equivalent of bear grylls. dude would be climbing trees and starting fires without matches and chopping wood and cooking the food without breaking a SWEAT. the man was built for the outdoors.

kyoutani is his right hand man, angrily trying out-chop him with the wood and iwa doesn’t even realize he’s made it into a competition.

yahaba is repulsed by the outdoors but makes himself useful. he probably sets up the tents and helps clean the pots and pans after kyoutani and iwaizumi dent use them.

watari is afraid of bugs.

kindaichi is also afraid of bugs but warms up to them after iwa tells him he used to love catching bugs.

kunimi is a shocking kind of insect attractant. by the end of the trip he’s covered in bites from head to toe.

matsukawa and hanamaki do absolutely nothing. like somehow they literally get away with doing nothing. they escape to go swimming and fishing whenever iwaizumi tries to recruit them to help with something (they always come back right on time for food though).

and oikawa… well oikawa didn’t want to go in the first place. he hates camping, always has. it’s gross and disgusting and he can’t shower properly and what about his skincare, iwa-chan, how is he supposed to connect with the team while breaking out?! and yet it all comes to a head when the team goes for a swim in the river and he’s complaining and whining because the river water is slimy and iwa pulls him aside with his eyebrows all scrunched together and asks “tooru, (oh my god he never calls him tooru) if you want to go home, i’ll seriously take you home right now,” and oikawa remembers how much iwaizumi (and the rest of the team but they don’t matter) has been enjoying this trip… and he sighs and waves it away because “don’t be ridiculous iwa-chan, i know you love camping.”

(and iwaizumi just stands there as oikawa walks away, because oikawa doesn’t do things he hates for anyone)

[chodzacaparodia]

Why would people think Sakusa couldn't handle camping or something like that as a part of team bonding? OF COURSE, he would hate the idea. OF COURSE, he would have found it all extremely gross. OF COURSE, there would be no end to his complaints. BUT he would certainly prepare himself for this trip. He would read a lot of survival tutorials and watch a lot of survival programs (he would definitely spend his evenings with Bear Grylls). He would take all the necessary items. He would be prepared for any possible situation (even an attack by animals that do not live in Japan). Bonus one:

"Miya, you won't make a fire like that. You're holding the sticks at the wrong angle. And the leaves are wet, they can't catch fire." "Shut yer trap, Omi!" "..." "..." "Do you know I have a lighter?" "..." Bonus two: And there was only one tent for two! (Which was set up by Sakusa because he turned out to be an expert among the Jackals) “OMIIIII!” "Shut up, Miya. I want to sleep. I told you that at night the temperature in the woods drops sharply and you will be cold." "I won't be cold if you cuddle with me!" "..." "..." "Come here before I change my mind and start to think that killing you and using your body as fertilizer will have a positive effect on the ecosystem."

[twobrokenwyngs]

over here making tentative theoretical plans w @ultraballantine and @trillgutterbug that scare me to my core lmfao. do I look like fuckin Bear Grylls over here?! on one hand, YOLO, but on the other hand god invented indoor plumbing for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!

[brainfingerprints]

Smoky Mountain Mysteries Part 5: Derek Leuking

This is the fifth installment in a five-part series detailing strange disappearances in the Smoky Mountain Range.

Derek Lueking was 24-years-old when he suddenly left his home and went to the Smoky Mountains, never to be seen again.

Lueking did not show up for work on March 15th, 2012, which was highly unusual for him, and when a colleague of Derek’s informed his roommate, Ryan Moulden, (who had also not seen him) Moulden called Lueking’s family who then reported him missing.

As they searched his apartment for clues, his family and friends found a search on his computer for the Smoky Mountains National Park. Lueking was an avid camper but not an experienced hiker so this struck the family as odd. On March 17th, the police found surveillance video from the Microtel Inn in North Carolina, near the national park, that showed Derek leaving with only a daypack. In the hotel room, his parents found a bottle of liquor on the floor and a Bible on the bed.

That same day, the family found his white Ford in the parking lot of an area in the park called Newfound Gap. In the abandoned car, there were copious amounts of newly-bought survival gear, including a compass, lamp, pocket knife, knife sharpener, tent, sleeping bag, 100 feet of black parachute cord, granola bars, and a survival belt containing a multi-tool, flashlight, and fire starter rod. There was also a few torn-out pages from a military guidebook as well as his wallet. The strangest item in the car, however, was a note in Derek’s handwriting, that said: “Don’t try to follow me.”

Despite the note, the search effort for Derek began almost immediately. There were about sixty people and three dog teams assigned to search for Lueking. The searchers had been organized into 14 search teams that have walked more than 70 miles of trails.

Every hiker they interviewed denied having seen Derek, even though it was a busy day at the campground and he disappeared in broad daylight. Because no one reported seeing him, it is assumed Derek immediately went off-trail or deliberately kept himself hidden from other park-goers. What worried searchers and family members was the fact that he had bought survival gear but did not bring it with him. Although the trails themselves are well-traveled, hiking off of them is dangerous and risky. Novice and experienced hikers alike would have trouble navigating the terrain. Without the survival gear, it was nearly impossible to stay alive for more than a few days.

Another worrying aspect of the case is Derek’s note stating to not follow him, implicating an intention of suicide. Earlier that year, Tim Lueking, Derek's father, had noticed his son had “started drinking a little bit and smoking cigarettes, which was highly unusual for him. He wasn't happy with his job, where his life was going." Despite this, the family vehemently states that Derek was not suicidal and believes he might have been forced to write the note by another person.

Derek was also a fan of the survival show “Man vs. Wild” and the family believes he might have gone into the park in order to replicate Bear Grylls, the host of the show.

It is also important to note that he disappeared on the anniversary of his grandfather’s death, which also leads to another of the family’s theories that he left to be alone during a time of grief.

As of now, no trace of Derek has ever been found. With no witnesses, evidence, or a body, his disappearance has become one of the most mysterious in the history of the park.

[unmitigated-bleat-blog]

I just discovered a new YouTube channel that I'm really digging. It's a guy who tells stories, basically, and it's quite fascinating. He has a lot of recent material and his stories are engaging, and for the most part, well-researched. He is also reliable about citing sources, and he is a charismatic presenter. What brought me to him is that he tells true stories of crazy things that happened, and I'm kind of a true-crime buff and fan of Curiosities and Oddments.

The true and well-researched stories he tells are of real-life horror: that poor guy that got stuck in Nutty Putty cave and died, absolutely chilling stories of scuba-diving deaths, and really awful crimes. He told a true story I'd never heard before about a guy being cooked alive with boiling water and steam under the streets of NYC that legit gave me nightmares. About 1/3 of the stories he tells are stories I've heard before. Lots of them have even been made into movies. He sticks to the facts and tells it well.

For about two weeks, I got caught up on all his videos. Or, ALMOST all. He also has videos labeled stuff like "Halloween Horror Stories", and he tells stories of ghost, UFO, and other supernatural encounters. Personally, I don't believe in ghosts or UFO's, and I think that almost all sightings or encounters of these kinds are either intentional deception--hoaxes--or an unknown earthly explanation. Just because we don't know the explanation, doesn't mean there isn't one.

(This includes the entire cast of Cryptozoology's Greatest Hits--Nessie, Bigfoot, Champ, etc. I still claim and stand by it, that every single Chupacabre sighting in and around Texas is a coyote with sarcoptic mange. Fight me.) I watch these videos while I'm working from home, and generally just let auto play choose the next one. That's how I saw the handful of these that I saw. Now, I mostly skip those videos, which is cool, because they are maybe 15% of his content, so he's still an excellent creator.

I grew up in the country. No, not those subdivisions that promise "country life", with city convenience, the actual Texas Hill Country. Having successfully adapted to city life, I am accustomed to knowing things that city people know that country people don't (let's face it, rural areas are rife with ignorance of all kinds), but once in a Blue Moon, I find the opposite, and it always takes me by surprise.

There are some things that people who are from big cities just don't know. Like for example, the woods aren't scary. They're not. Shhhh. Keep that quiet. Because camping stories are VERY well represented in supernatural fiction; they're like the Pizza Guy in porn. The details keep changing, but basically: Someone went camping, heard a lot of strange noises, saw something moving in the distance, or maybe a bright light, and smelled something stinky. They immediately ran back to their car and barely made it out with their lives, and no one knows, to this day, what that was. Wooooooo :-|

I vaguely remember one where a woman went alone on something like a 5-day camping trip, and didn't return. Three weeks later, she ran out of the woods, terrified, without any of her gear, certain that "something" was after her. I actually laughed out loud. And another Bear Grylls wanna-be heard noises in the dark, went to investigate, and then saw his own light moving back at camp, and ran for his life. He was lucky to make it back to his Mercedes alive.

I could actually walk you through how that g-g-g-ghost was me and my brother when we were kids. And it's not because we just enjoyed terrorizing campers. Most of these stories are because people from the city think [trees = forest = public property], but that's not the case at all. The problem is, these “adventurers” didn't even do enough recon for their trip to realize they are on private land, and have pitched their tent in someone's orchard. The noise they heard was the middle-school-age children that live there, hiking up from the house to find out why there's a fire burning in the berry patch.

As a bonus, these misplaced "campers" pay out gold every time they get hit, like Sonic the Hedgehog. Whenever they startle, they drop a Coleman stove, a Maglite, and a sleeping bag from Nordstroms. And they should also maybe do a little more research on the plants and fish they were eating in that area. Or else, stick to eating just their dang organic vegan gluten-free granola from Whole Foods when they need to feel Hippie Chic and At One with Mother Gaia. 🙄

Go home, Paighslyye, this ain't Coachella and you don't belong out here. Don't worry, I'll get the gate you found closed but left open, so my neighbor's livestock doesn't cause a fatal car accident on the highway. But you gotta quit swinging that stupid machete around. Cause you've already cut yourself twice, but mostly, because those grapevines you're hacking at were imported from Europe. And btw, if you'd assembled your dumb titanium rod and sealskin yurt 20 yards to the west, you'd have fallen 100 feet down an unmarked well and drowned before anyone found you. And please stay away from the razor wire fence over there that you don't even see. You'd get cut, but also, there's a bull in that pasture. Do you need the wifi password or nah? 😉