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beautheexpositor · 5 years ago

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Indirect Confessions

"Hey, Beau? Are you awake?" Jester's quiet voice asked nervously from beside her in the dome. Beau knew this tone, it was the tone of a Jester that had been thinking about something for a long time. A tone that usually led to a long conversation. Long conversations weren't always Beau's strong suit, but with Jester it was never a bad thing. She wanted to talk to her, maybe a little too much.

"Yeah, I'm stiff and sore as shit," at this point, she rolled over to face her friend. There was a contemplative look on Jester's face, to match the tone of her voice. "What's up, Jes?"

Jester sat up, and looked around the inside of the dome at their friends. Dirtied up from another day in the wastes, they had all been exhausted when they crashed. "I think... Maybe we should like, you know, leave the dome so we don't wake everybody else up or whatever."

So this would be a long conversation. Today had been absolutely exhausting, as every day on the road in Xhorhas was turning out to be. Normally, Beau would be pissed about having to get up in the middle of trying to sleep, but the feeling in her stomach and chest she got around Jester made it impossible to not want to be around her. She pushed herself up, muscles screaming as she did so. "Lead the way," she said through a yawn, hoping it didn't make it seem like she didn't want to. Jester didn't seem to notice at all.

They walked a short ways, just out of earshot of the dome. Jester plopped onto the ground without a second thought, and patted her hand beside her for Beau to join. She did so without thinking twice. Staring at the sky with her best friend beside her, Beau felt a little more calm than usual.

"So, ah," she looked over at Jester, noting the same contemplative face still plastered on. She couldn't help but think about how adorable it was. Then she mentally slapped herself for thinking it. "What's on your mind? Unless you just wanted to take me out here to look at the clouds at night."

"The clouds are really pretty, Beau. Bringing you out here to look at them would be super fun," she smiled in Beau's direction, and Beau smirked back. "But I actually was thinking about something and I wanted to talk to you about it but things have been, like, pretty crazy and stuff." The smile faded again, unusual for Jester.

"Yeah, we've almost died like 6 times in 2 days. That's a record even for us, man," Beau sighed.

"Yeah, but we're super strong. And you killed those creepy guys like, RIGHT away!" Jester encouraged her. "It has been a lot, though. I guess, I've been like thinking about Fjord and stuff, you know?" Beau's heart dropped as the words left Jester's mouth. Duh. Fjord. Maybe this conversation wasn't one that Beau would enjoy, after all.

Not that she wasn't happy for Jester, of course. She knew Jester had been crushing on Fjord since the moment she met him. But it had always seemed like a petty thing, a puppy dog style crush that wouldn't lead to anything. Something based on the fact that Jester had never really liked- or interacted with- anyone before. For a while it had even seemed to pass completely, but now Jester and Fjord were getting close again- and it seemed a lot less one sided than before. Beau should have been ecstatic about her best friend's crush finally noticing her for the amazing, wonderful devil she was. But for some reason, one she wouldn't admit even to herself, it only made her feel a little sick.

Despite the now growing hole in the pit of her stomach, Beau cocked an eyebrow at her friend playfully. "Yeah, what's going on with that? He like, kissed you on the cheek and saved you in the tree total prince charming style and everything! So, is something happening?" She hoped she sounded excited and interested.

Apparently, she seemed interested enough, because it was enough to get Jes talking. "Well, like, he totally did kiss me on the cheek didn't he? But like, I had just saved his life, so he probably was just caught up in that and being nice and stuff. But then the tree thing was like, really weird, you know? And it felt different than before. So I don't know!" She threw her hands in the air dramatically, and Beau snickered under her breath. It reminded her of her younger days, puppy love and stupid flirting. The dumb feeling of not knowing if the person liked you back, and the talking to everyone about it until finally someone made a move. She hadn't had anything like that, herself. She had only had Tori and various one night stands. But she knew the routine well. She sat quietly and waited for Jester to continue, because she knew she would after a seconds pause. She was right.

"I just, well," Jester piped in again after the approximately 2 seconds of silence, "It's all really weird. And I guess I wanted to talk to you about, well, I don't know if I really even like him as much as I thought I did."

It took Beau a moment to process what Jester had said. It felt... strangely comforting to hear that. She didn't want it to feel comforting to hear that, but it did. "What do you mean? You've liked him since like, the second you saw him."

Jester's face scrunched up when Beau said that. "I mean, yeah I totally have. But like, that's the problem maybe? I think I liked an idea of him... and now that it's real or whatever, I don't know if I ever really actually liked him. I've never liked anyone, like, really. And you're the smartest person I know and stuff," The compliment made Beau's heart skip a beat, even if it was just a typical Jester compliment that probably was just meant to make her feel better. "So I guess, like, what I wanted to ask you is... how do you know when something is real love?"

Beau coughed. She couldn't help but show the surprise at the sudden, very deep question. That was not at all where she was expecting this conversation to go. Especially after her puking her backstory guts out to Yasha only a little bit ago. She thought of Yasha, and the way she made her feel. She crushed on Yasha hard, but she didn't want to move in there. Plus, something was holding her back. Something that was sitting right next to her. She could say that real love was what she had felt for Tori... but she didn't want to share that with two people in one night- besides, she still wasn't sure if that WAS real love. She knew what love felt like, even if she didn't want to admit it.

"Sorry," she said after a second. "That just, I did NOT expect that. Uhhhh, well, let me think," she paused for a second and tried to compose herself. How did she tell Jester what love felt like without making it painfully obvious that she was talking about her?

"You don't have to talk about it, y'know, like if you don't want to," Jester said, seeing Beau's walls come up so suddenly. "But you're so smart and you like know a lot about stuff and I'm sure there's been SOMEONE you've loved because you're really great and whatever."

Beau smirked again, despite herself. "Yeah, yeah I guess I have," it wasn't a lie. "Love is, weird, I guess. I think it kinda depends on the people who are in it? It's different every time, or whatever," what was she doing? She should have just said she'd never loved anyone and let it go. But she couldn't lie to Jester like she did to everyone else. "Love is when you feel like you can be honest with someone. It's NOT like the porn novels, dude."

Jester shot her a little look, not genuine anger, just a tease. "Yeah, and like I said, i like, totally know that." she laughed, and Beau's heart soared. Keep calm. She had to keep calm.

"Whatever, man," she elbowed her best friend in the arm, playfully. "But seriously. It's way different than that I think. It's not all excitement and passionate steamy romance. It's more subtle than that. It's knowing a person and wanting them to know you, I guess. It's knowing that tones mean what different things, and what faces they make in different situations. It's... well... wanting to go out of your way to talk to someone or be with them. It's wanting them to be the last person you talk to before you go to bed, and the first person to see when you wake up. It's thinking they're SUPER hot but also like, really fucking adorable. It's a lot of things, I guess, and still you can't explain it."

She felt as if she had overshared. It wasn't like her to say things like that, but she couldn't help it. Her heart felt as if it was going to rip out of her rib cage. She had to make a joke. "But also like, I've never liked a dude. So it could be totally different, I dunno."

Jester looked at her with a sincerity she only saw on rare occasions. One that wasn't built out of humor or joy, but deep thought and emotion. "Well, I think that sounds really beautiful Beau. You're good with words and stuff. I don't know why anyone says otherwise. And like, I wouldn't HAVE to love a guy, you know?"

Beau's ears perked up. Jester had never talked about liking ANYONE other than Fjord, not seriously anyways. Beau had never even thought about the fact that she could like anyone else, long yet a girl. "Oh, uh," she tried to play it casual. "You wouldn't? I guess I didn't, Sorry I just didn't know you swung that way. I mean," Her words were fumbling.

"Well, like," Jester started again, relieving Beau of the pressure of having to keep tripping over her tongue. "I didn't really know I could like anyone other than a boy, my momma always only courted boys and my dad was a boy and that's really like, all I ever saw, y'know? But then like, you like girls and Yasha likes girls and that Keg liked girls so I realized maybe that's, y'know, a thing too... and maybe I, y'know, could love anybody. Cus like, Yasha is so strong and pretty and stuff. And the bright queen was REALLY cool and whatever. And Avantika was hot and scary and I was like, a little jealous of her or whatever, but also she was so cool and cute I can't blame Fjord for thinking so. And like, you're really cool and super powerful and really pretty and stuff," Beau once again tried to hide the smile creeping across her face at the compliment she was just given. "So yeah, I guess I could like anyone. Not just Fjord. I think maybe I don't even REALLY like Fjord as much as, y'know, who I thought he was. Love can be anything, right? Like, like you said it's soft... Maybe that's something I have to think about more because you brought up some pretty good points... You can love anybody. They don't have to be Oskar, you know?"

Beau smiled, and looked her friend in the eye. Her heart was racing. "Yeah Jester, I know."

Reposting and editing this because it's Day 3 of Beaujester week which is Modern AU/ Confessions!

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