#be nice to hopefully be maybe less crazy anxious. like my heart actually hurts. so im gonna go play some games now but like. i did it! :D
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pepprs · 1 year ago
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done w drivers ed!! :”~D
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foxyotomelady · 5 years ago
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Another love, Chapter IX (JuminxReader)
Author’s notes:
The following story is partly inspired by the game itself (obviously) and partly by THIS post. Go check it out, cause I think it perfectly explains why Jumin is so overprotective sometimes.
Be aware of: strong language, angst. Actually, it's only one way to describe this chapter:
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Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III | Chapter IV | Chapter V | Chapter VI | Chapter VII | Chapter VIII | Chapter IX (You are here) | Chapter X | Chapter XI | Chapter XII | Chapter XIII | Chapter XIV |
Buy Me A Ko-Fi Have a nice reading!
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It's been a few days since the gossip about the whole "love drama" came out and since you learned about Mr. Chairman's plans.
Surprisingly, these were peaceful days. Well, maybe not for Jaehee who had to deal with the phone calls from Jumin's father, as Jumin refused any conversation with him. For you these days were very constructive. You saw Jumin calming down, being less stressed, less jealous and not as anxious as ever.
But of course, these days did not last too long. 
One morning, when Jumin went to work, and you were writing in a chat room with Yoosung: You: you really played this game all night? 
Yoosung: I had to 
Yoosung: I can't miss this event 
Yoosung: I'm so tired 
Yoosung: and I must stay for another hour 
Yoosung: 
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You: Shouldn't you study?
You: You said you failed the lastest exam
Yoosung: hfdsybkb
You: ???? 
Yoosung: Elizabeth just ran over my keyboard 
Yoosung:
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Yoosung: Can't Jumin take her already?
Yoosung:
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You: He's better now, so I think he might take her back soon
[Zen has entered the chat room]
Yoosung: oh, sorry, I must leave!
Yoosung: my guild needs me!
You: good luck! [Yoosung has left the chat room]
You: Zen?
Zen: god...
Zen: I had a terrible dream
You: what was it about?
Zen: I do not know if I should write about it 
Zen: this dude will go crazy 
You: But it's only a dream, right?
Zen: I saw you 
Zen: You were scared and a woman was dragging you somewhere 
Zen: I ran after you but you both disappeared into the dark
Zen: and yeah it's only a dream but
Zen: I tend to have prophetic dreams
You: whaaa? really?
Zen: yes, that's why I'm so worried
Zen: 
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You: hopefully, this dream will not come true
Zen: yeah... 
Zen: but taking into account all the rumors around Jumin and you 
Zen: I can't help but worry
You: did this woman in your dream look like Glam Choi?
Zen: no, I saw her for the first time
You: so maybe it's really just a random dream
Zen: I hope so...
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Jumin's POV 
The first day at work after the gossip leaked was terrible. All his employees whispered about it. He had to organize a meeting to explain the whole situation - it helped, now the company was in relative calm. He felt guilty for this situation - if he wouldn't be overcome by jealousy then nothing like that would happen. 
Y/N, as usual, was right. His behavior was not healthy. It was wrong. Simply wrong. But even now he could not control his anxiety. It was better than a few days ago, but... 
She did not call me and she did not write for about three hours and thirty-five minutes... He thought, massaging his temples. Maybe I should call, check if everything is alright... Then there was a knock at the door. Jumin gave a short "Enter, please". It was Kang Assistant, "Sir, Mr. Chairman is here to see you," Jaehee looked worried. "And... also Sarah."
Jumin frowned, "I do not want to see any of them, send them away." "Just let me in, I'm his fiancée!" A squeaky voice spoke. 
"No, you can’t come in here!" Jaehee tried to stop the unwelcome guest but in vain. Sarah went in, followed by his father. "What is the meaning of this, son, why did not you want to let us in?" His father was very upset.  Jumin sighed, "Assistant Kang, leave us alone." Jaehee left, obeying his request, and he continued, "You are both unwelcome here, and I do not know anything about having a fiancée. I thought I had made myself clear the other day, I will not marry this woman. " "It's because of this girl?" Sarah squealed so that his ears ached. "The girl who is dating that famous actor?"  "She's not dating him, it's a misunderstanding and gossip, besides I have to advise you to be quieter, my office is not a place for such scenes."
"Scenes ?! So I'm making a scene ?!" There were for no doubt false tears in Sarah's eyes, "And what was that scene the media say about?" "I am here to ask you the same, my son," His father put in. "You always blame me that the rumors about my relationships with women are bad for our company, but you're no better now."
"I admit it's my fault, but nothing like that will happen again." 
"But does this girl really deserve you?" Sarah squealed again, sobbing. "She is a viper who plays on two sides, I would never do it to you!"
"I advise you not to express an opinion about Y/N in this way, I will not tolerate it, especially from the gold-digger mouth." Sarah gasped, and his father narrowed his eyes, "Son, this is not the way you treat your fiancée!"  "How many times do I have to repeat myself," Jumin corrected his tie, it got stifling, "this woman is not and will not be my fiancee." "Mr. Chairman, you promised me!" Sarah stamped her foot like a capricious child. Before his father could answer, the phone rang.  Jumin looked at the screen of the cell and his heart ached with relief, "I'm sorry, but I have to pick it up," He quickly picked up the phone, "My love? Is everything alright?"  "How dare you! In front of me!" Sarah was furious. "It's all right," Y/N answered over the phone. "But Jumin, what are these screams?"
"Do not worry, it's just that gold-digger."  "Sarah?" "I'm leaving!" Sarah hurried to the exit. "You really disappointed me, son," His father added. "The feeling is mutual, father." And so his father also left, slamming the door behind him. Jumin took a deep breath, "Finally, they left."  "Are you alright?" "Yes, my dear, I was just surprised that my father and that woman were here together." "Did you read what Zen wrote in the chat room?" "Yes, I do not believe in such things, but I admit that I thought about strengthening the security on our floor."  "I just wanted to tell you to not do anything like that, we have enough security here, no one will be able to enter this apartment."  "I hope you're right," Jumin rubbed his eyelids, "Please, call to me more often when I'm here."  "Okay, I promise."  "Ah, moreover, I do not like the fact that you appeared in Zen's dream." Y/N giggled sweetly, "You know that Zen does not have control over it, let alone me? I guess it's because he is worried about all these rumors." "Maybe I should come home earlier today?" He suggested. "Don’t do this, Jaehee has enough work, and recently you have not been too kind to her."  "Are you scolding me right now?"  "Exactly."
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Your POV 
Another few days passed and nothing happened. Everyone forgot about Zen's dream and considered it completely random. Besides, none of the RFA members thought that Glam or Sarah could resort to something like kidnapping. But, either way, Jumin told the security chief and Yoon not to let these women approach you.  
It was quite late when you heard the screams at the door. You got up from the sofa and approached the door to see what this fuss is about. 
"Let me in or I'll tell Mr. Chairman that you didn't obey me!" You heard this voice before. Was it Sarah? 
"I'm sorry miss, but I can't. Mr. Han instructed me not to let you in." 
Sarah screamed, "Are you deaf? I said I'll tell Mr. Chairman and he’ll fire you, I swear! Other bodyguards let me in at this floor because Mr. Chairman requested it. You should do the same for your own good."
"I'm Mr. Han's employe so only he can fire me, miss. Please, let me escort you from here."  
"I assure you that Mr. Chairman can do anything he wants with you!" 
Annoyed, you opened the door. Both Sarah and Yoon looked at you in surprise. 
"Ms. Y/N, please go back inside," Yoon said, apparently worried. 
"No, let me talk to her." 
"Ms. Y/N please, I have clear instructions from Mr. Han. I can't let this woman near you," You saw that Yoon was sweating. The poor man was clearly taken aback because of all this. 
"She want to talk, so just let her, gosh~!" Sarah scoffed. 
"Yoon, I don't want to make any problems for you. I'll explain everything to Jumin. He will never fire you if I tell him not to. But I can't convince Mr. Chairman, so it'd be better if we obey Sarah's wish." 
"Oh my~! This girl actually has a brain!" Sarah giggled awfully. "Yoon, this is your name? I'll remember it. Listen to this smart girl and let us girls talk. I just want to take her to the cafe for a little chit-chat." 
"To the cafe?" Yoon frowned, he had sweat under his nose and on his forehead. "Ms. Y/N can't leave this apartment. It's a request from Mr. Han." 
"What?" Sarah gasped and laughed. "What are you? His pet? I heard he lost his cat recently, that's why she keeps you here? Are you replacement for a cat? You poor girl!" 
Yoon had a really weird expression on his face. You could tell that he was very uncomfortable upon hearing these words. You know for a fact that he was worried about Jumin's obsession over you almost as much as Zen, but he couldn't do anything about this. 
"Yoon," You touched his arm, ignoring Sarah behavior. "I can deal with her. She's just a girl, she won't hurt me." 
Yoon sighed loudly, "Please contact me if anything happens. And please do not leave the building. There are many cafes in here." 
Sarah was very pleased when you were going to the cafe she chose. The first thing that alarmed you is that the cafe was located near one of the exits from the building. You sat down at a table away from the other guests and ordered a coffee. 
Sarah was looking at you with a devious smile. 
"So?" You asked coolly. "What do you want?" The second thing that struck you was that there were no security guards nearby. Did she really plan something? Shit, you should take Yoon with you! But maybe you were just oversensitive.
"I must admit that you are a sneaky one, first Hyun Ryu and now Jumin Han, decide and leave one of them to me!"  
"Grow up, Sarah, you know it was stupid gossip." You looked at her coldly, stirring the coffee.  
"I can provide the media with more rumors, for example, about the fact that Jumin Han is an obsessive freak who closes his girlfriend in his own apartment." 
"God, you're so childish. I'll ask you again. What do you want?" 
"Isn't it obvious? Leave Jumin alone, break up with him, cheat on him, whatever."  
You raised your eyebrow and took a sip of coffee, "And what if I don't do it?" 
"Then you will have to deal with me," When you heard that voice behind you, you shuddered. 
 It was Yuwoon. 
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Why there were no bodyguards at the last floor? How Yuwoon and Sarah got to know each other? I'll explain it in the next chapter. So stay tuned! :>
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aerinmelina · 5 years ago
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New Beginnings
The unintended sequel to this oneshot here. (oops)
This one is a gift fic for @fairykam​. <3 :) You’re wonderful and amazing and a great friend, and I hope your weekend is fantastic!
DRAGONWATCH 1 & 2 SPOILERS LIE HERE.
**
Kendra couldn’t sleep.
She sat in a chair next to the bed where Bracken laid, resting peacefully as she held his hand. He had yet to wake for more than a minute or two at a time. Every time he did stir, though, it was with a sudden jerk and a panic as he tried to assess where he was and – Kendra assumed – to figure out if he was safe. She calmed him at every occurrence; his last upset had been several hours ago, so she was hoping he would be alright.
It must’ve been getting somewhere close to dawn by now. Kendra released Bracken’s hand and stretched her arms and legs, longing to exercise a bit to relieve the tension she felt.
The door opened and Warren peeked his head inside. “Hey,” he began. “Why don’t you go for a walk? I’ll stay here with him.”
Kendra glanced back at Bracken and bit her lip. What if he woke up again, and she wasn’t there to help him?
Warren would be there. He would help.
But what if he needed more healing? What if he needed her magical abilities?
“I don’t think so…” she hesitantly replied.
Warren rolled his eyes and walked completely inside the room. “Let me rephrase,” he said, placing his hands on her shoulders. He guided her to stand, then led her to the door. “You’re taking a break, you worrywart.”
“But Warren—”
“Don’t ‘but Warren’ me,” he insisted. “Bracken is fine. He’s just resting. You need to get out of this room. Go breathe some fresh air. Maybe get something to eat.”
She put her hand on the door frame and twisted her body around so she could get another look at the sleeping unicorn. He did look like he was just resting, and his coloring was much more normal than it’d been when he’d first arrived.
Kendra sighed, then looked up at Warren who was clearly not going to let her back in. “Call for me if he wakes up?” she asked.
“Sure,” he replied, then rubbed the top of her head and messed up her hair. She gave him an exasperated sigh and swatted at his hand in response, but truth be told… she was glad to have him there with her. Warren would take good care of their injured friend.
With one last glance at Bracken, Kendra left the room and went to bathe and change her clothes. She emerged feeling somewhat refreshed, but still couldn’t shake the anxious feelings that she’d been harboring for days (weeks, really). In an effort to try and calm her mind enough to hopefully sleep for a few hours, she decided to go for a walk. The towers and walls of Blackwell Keep were poorly lit at night; however, that was hardly a problem for her.  Plus, daybreak wasn’t too far off – the sky was already lightening a little.
Two minutes into walking, she ran across someone else who was sitting on the ground, staring out at the slowly diminishing stars.
Her brother.
Seth.
Her heart gave an achy lurch.
He noticed her approach. Neither of them said anything to the other for a moment, and then Seth broke the silence and returned his gaze to the sky.
“You couldn’t sleep, either?” he asked.
“No,” Kendra said. She didn’t want to intrude on his solitude, but at the same time, she longed for his company. No matter how potentially painful the experience turned out to be… she needed to talk to him. “Is it alright if I sit with you?” she asked.
Seth looked like he hadn’t expected her request. “Sure,” he answered, gesturing to the ground next to him. She accepted his invitation and leaned her back against the wall behind them, bringing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them.
“The sun will be rising soon,” Kendra commented, trying to start a conversation.
“Yeah,” came Seth’s short reply.
“The view from here is really nice. You picked a good spot.”
“Cool.”
A somewhat awkward silence fell between them. Kendra didn’t know what to say. The last time they’d seen each other (minus yesterday afternoon which didn’t really count because it was so chaotic and Kendra had been wholly consumed with worry for her sick unicorn) was when Seth had nearly taken Bracken’s first horn away from her. He’d actually chosen to leave it with her – an act which had clearly surprised them both.
Come on, Kendra… think of something…
“What was it like?” she asked. “Being around Ronodin so much?”
Seth turned his head toward her, as if trying to gauge her intentions, and then shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t really have anything to compare it to.”
Kendra considered his statement and tried to ignore the way that comment hurt her heart a little more. He didn’t remember love. “Was he nice to you?” she asked.
Seth shrugged again. “I think so,” he answered. “He taught me a lot about being a Shadow Charmer. Made sure I wasn’t hungry. I had a comfortable place to sleep. And he didn’t hurt me.”
“But?” Kendra prompted. Her brother sounded conflicted.
“He told me I was his brother,” Seth continued. “When I found out that he was a unicorn, I asked him how we could be brothers since I’m human, and he said he’d rescued me a long time ago and we’d chosen to be brothers. I don’t know. Something about the way he said it just… seemed strange to me, I guess.”
“Strange?”
“He kept telling me things about myself that could be true, I guess, but I’m not sure. Maybe I really was like that before I forgot everything. I don’t feel that way now, though.”
“What do you mean?” Kendra was genuinely curious to know what kinds of lies Seth had been told.
Seth paused for a moment before continuing. “He didn’t help people. No… more than that. I did some things that hurt people. It didn’t… it didn’t sit well with me. It didn’t feel right. But he was my brother, and he knew what was best, right?”
He seemed to be genuinely asking Kendra that question. She thought carefully about her response before she delivered it. “Well… you already know where I stand,” she started. “Ronodin is a liar, and you’re actually my brother. By blood.” She shifted her position so that her legs rested straight out in front of her. “We’ve always lived together. I don’t even remember a time when you weren’t part of my life. We’re less than two years apart in age.”
Seth appeared to be listening intently, clinging onto every word she said. “What made you decide to leave Ronodin?” she asked.
He shook his head as though to derail his train of thought. “Uh… Bracken helped, actually. He was patient, and he encouraged me to think twice about everything. He corroborated your story. And he told me that I was a hero.”
“You are,” Kendra confirmed instantly. Seth shot her an expression which clearly told her that he wasn’t sure he believed her, then continued talking.
“I already had doubts about Ronodin, and talking with Bracken kind of added to those doubts. Ronodin does what he wants. It just doesn’t feel right.
“And then he wanted me to take the unicorn from you. I didn’t think I’d have a hard time with that. He told me that you’d stolen it from him in the first place; I was just going to take back what was rightfully his. But you… You were helpless. Defenseless. And you begged me not to take it away. You told me it was Bracken’s horn, not Ronodin’s. You were so earnest. You seemed so… genuine. I couldn’t take it from you. Not without getting some of my questions answered first.”
“How did Ronodin react?”
Liar. Thief.
Seth crossed his legs and forcefully rubbed his face, then ran his hands through his hair. “He was furious.”
“Did he… did he hurt you?”
I will kill him if he did.
“No,” Seth said. Then he added, “I don’t want to talk about it. Tell me about… about me. Us. Our family. Please.”
Kendra almost pushed him for more details, but the pleading look in his eyes forced her hand. She dropped the subject.
“Well… our family lived in Rochester until a couple of years ago. You were always getting into trouble, ever since I can remember. Mom always said that you were too curious for your own good. Dad always said that he didn’t know what he was going to do with you.”
“What kind of trouble?”
She smiled. “All sorts. Well… not like drugs and stuff. More like… pranks, and general disobedience. You’d get caught doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing, and then you’d try and argue your way out of punishment. Your arguments didn’t usually work, but you did get away with some things once or twice… which probably didn’t help. Mom told you that you should become a lawyer when you grow up.”
He’s listening. To everything.
“We used to fight a lot. Mostly about stupid stuff. But… things changed a few years ago. We stopped fighting each other and started fighting together against other people. We were a real team.” Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t help it. It’d been too long since she’d spoken with her brother, and while having him here with her was comforting, it also hurt her that he had no memory of her and everything they’d gone through together.
Seth looked at his toes. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said.
Kendra shook her head. “No, no… it’s okay,” she replied. “I’m just… it’s hard. You’re my best friend, Seth. My brother and my best friend. You drive me crazy and you’re impulsive and you always have to learn lessons the hard way, but you also care so much about other people. You’ve always had a heart. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much, it hurts.”
“I guess I don’t really know what to say,” Seth stated after a brief pause. “I want to believe you. I want to believe that I’m a good person. But, Kendra…” he trailed off. “I’ve done some things I’m not proud of.”
Ronodin will pay.
“It’s not your fault that you’ve been manipulated. He took advantage of your situation. I know who you really are. You’re kind and brave and reckless and so loud. You’re so curious that I’m pretty sure the cat died like 27 lives ago. And you love to tease and torment me… but you’re also reliable and confident. You’re loyal, honest, dependable and creative. You’re my brother. I swear to you, you’re my brother, and whatever you’ve done or think you’ve done, that’s not you. It’s not the real you. I swear it.”
“I want to help people.”
“Yes. That’s you. The real you. That’s the Seth Sorenson I grew up with.”
“Sorenson?”
Stab my heart.
“Our last name,” Kendra clarified.
“Seth Sorenson,” he repeated, feeling how the words rolled off his tongue.
“The one and only,” she stated. “There’s no one else like you in this world, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to be my brother anyway.”
Seth smiled at her – a small, hesitant one, but a smile no less. “Well… it might be nice to have a sister for a change,” he teased. Kendra reached out a hand and lightly shoved his shoulder.
The siblings sat in silence and watched as the sun finally rose above the horizon. They still had a long way to go, and more bridges to build between them, but Kendra had the feeling that they were off to a good start. She noticed that her heart felt less heavy than it had an hour or two ago.
Her brother was back. He may not remember her, but he was safe. She’d help him get his memories back, and they’d make new ones along the way. And if he never regained his memories? Well… he was her brother. She would never stop trying to help him.
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maxattack-powell · 7 years ago
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The Freshman: 1-1
Book 1 - 1
Chapter 1: Welcome to Hartfeld University
Masterlist - go here for other chapters and related original fics
Disclaimer: The following are fics (adaptations from actual game chapters AND original works) to Choices: The Freshman series. It is a fictional adaptation. I do not work for Pixelberry Studios, the game developer or own the rights to the characters Chris Powell, Nicole or any other IN GAME character. All of the ORIGINAL characters, storylines and events were developed, by me, for this adaptation of The Freshman story.
Comments: I enjoyed playing Choices: The Freshman… But it needed more. I’ve included certain things that aren’t really full fic size in order to add more substance to the story. I ALSO have quite a few full size fics throughout. I wanted to see MC and Chris through their college years, and more… with additional angst, fluff, sweetness, real life and overall detail - so here you go.
NSFW moments in some chapters - Mature Readers Only Please
Paring: MC x Chris
MC Appearance: fair skin - short, somewhat curly/wavy blonde hair - hazel eyes - sporty button up cardigan over white v-neck and jeans
POV: ~MC~ or ~Chris~
Welcome to Hartfeld University, one of North America's most elite academic institutions!
~MC~
It's the first day of another year at the prestigious Hartfeld University.
A fair skinned young woman steps out of the passenger seat of her mother's blue SUV. Being dropped off near the quad, only a small walk to her dorm, MC looks around her new surroundings. Most freshmen were not permitted to have an automobile on campus, especially if they were considered local, which she unfortunately was. She let out a small sigh as she assessed the campus, realizing the quad was bigger than she thought. According to the online map she spent time studying over the last few weeks, she thought she wouldn't have to drag her luggage too far once dropped off. However, the place was huge, yet very beautiful. She wished she could have brought her car but it really wasn't necessary. Even being away at college, she lived close enough to home that either of her parents could be there in less than a an hour or so if needed. Still, her little truck was a big part of her independence and she missed it.
MC turns and hugs her mother who had also jumped out of the car to give her one last tearful goodbye. They both smile, her mom telling her she will be back to pick MC up for the break before she knew it.
She waves goodbye as the blue SUV begins to drive off, turning back toward the large quad. She scrunches her face, trying to shield her vision from the bright sun, as she looks around again. Some of the buildings were clearly very, very old. Of course there were new and exciting buildings being built yearly too from what she learned during registration. Many full of new technology and exciting advancements. The university even had its own movie theater now as well - and being a avid movie enthusiast, she couldn't wait until she could enjoy that perk. She hoped at least one of her roommates would be a big movie buff too.
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MC was missing her friends back home already. The memories of crazy movie nights and after football game parties made her smile, her face warmed by the bright sun. While deep in thought she walks across the bustling campus... running her hand through shoulder length wavy blonde hair as the breeze kept catching it and dragging it across her face, obstructing her view.
"At least the weather is perfect today... ugh, but this suitcase weighs like a thousand pounds. Maybe I shouldn't have brought so much--" She huffs and blows some hair out of her face once more.
Distracted, she rounds a corner on one of the quad cross paths, marked by a statue of some kind, blocking her view of possible incoming traffic. She's pivots so quickly that she smacks right into the chest of a guy jogging by. They both tumble to the ground, him falling onto his back while she ends up splayed across his chest.
"Whoa!" He looks startled, blinking a few times. His expression quickly morphs to a look of concern as he realizes what happened.
MC's face instantly burns at the closeness of their bodies, his face only inches from hers. She quickly scrambles to awkwardly push herself off of him, using both hands to push off his chest, having limited leverage options at this point. Her hands are burning from the contact - that or the embarrassment. "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" She sits back on her heels, kneeling beside him. She lets out a small groan as she throws her hands up to her face to hide her shame.
He smiles at her actions and props his upper body up on his elbows. She blushes even deeper, her body turning warm as she takes in his whole appearance. MC could tell he was fairly tall, even though he was still laying haphazardly on the ground next to her. Not only were his legs long, they were obviously very muscular, filling up his worn jeans in such a satisfying way. His broad chest and shoulders were covered with a red Henley shirt... it looked worn-in and comfortable. She instantly wondered if it was his favorite, smirking at the thought that she was probably correct. He notices her expression and grins back, effortlessly rising to sit up next to her now, running his left hand through his messy auburn hair, letting it rest on the back of his neck.
"My ego is a little bruised. If the other guys on the football team saw me getting tackled by a pretty girl, they'd never let me forget it." His eyes meet hers, causing her breath to catch in her throat. They were the brightest blue she had ever seen. He searches her face as she tries to avoid drowning in his gaze.
The young man brushes his hands on his jeans, directly on his muscular thighs, her eyes watching their every movement. He then stands up and offers her his left hand, in an attempt to help her up. MC appreciates the offer and connects with him once again, this time with intention. As she rises she doesn't pull her hand from his. Curiously, he also doesn't let it go, instead keeping a firm, yet soft grip.
It seems like minutes pass as they both stand there, until he clears his throat and lightly shakes her hand. "I'm Chris, by the way. Nice to meet you." His hand was so warm. Almost like he could absorb the sun and retain its power for hours, maybe days.
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MC prays her hand doesn't betray her and begin to sweat. She glances down briefly at her bag, attempting to hide her treacherous thoughts before allowing her hazel eyes to once again meet his piercing blues. "Nice to meet you too. I'm MC." She returns to the handshake, showing her appreciation.
He gently lets go of her hand. For a brief second, she sees him clench the same hand into a fist, causing his knuckles to turn white. The action is instantly gone though, as he stretches his fingers back out before letting his hand hang loosely by his side. It happened so quickly that she began to doubt her eyes. She wonders if he was trying to shake off her contact, and if so, was that a good or bad thing.
Chris raises his right hand, rubbing at his stubbly chin. She could tell he shaved that morning, but he was probably capable of growing a decent beard if he chose to. She starts to imagine if he ever had, as it would be a shame to hide such a strong, well defined jaw.
"MC... for some reason that rings a bell. Huh. So uh..." He interrupts her musings while running his hand from his chin, across his jaw to the back of his neck again. She wondered if it was an anxious mannerism of his. "...are you okay? Nothing broken, I hope." He looks at her hopefully, a small smile slowly creeping in.
MC felt bad for him as he was trying to assume the blame for the collision, worried that he hurt her, while it was really all her fault. "I'll be fine. My hand is just a little scraped up." She rubs them both against her butt to brush off the dirt and hide the scrapes on her palms.
His eyes linger on her hands as they make contact with the seat of her jeans, following them as she rubs both together. His face falls a little. "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" He looks at her, adorably standing there awkward, full of concern.
MC's eyes crinkle as her smile grows with an idea. "Kiss my hand and make it better?" She asks jokingly, punctuating her request with a smirk.
Chris visually relaxes and moves closer to her, his eyes never breaking contact. "If that will help..." He lifts her right hand to his lips and kisses it , palm first, then each finger. MC tries to hide the shudder that tears through her body at the contact- each point of contact feeling electric.
Flushing, she tries not to laugh at the ticklish action. "If feels better already."
He still holds her hand as he asks, "Any other bumps or bruises you need me to fix?" His right eyebrow raises with amusement.
Now it's MC's turn to run her left hand through her hair, stopping it behind her neck, hiding the growing red coloring from her increasing heart rate. "Let me think about that..."
Suddenly interrupting them, a leggy blonde in a mini skirt runs over to them both "Chris! There you are! Don't forget about the Kappa house mixer tonight."
He startles and turns towards the intruder, dropping MC's hand simultaneously. She inwardly whimpers at the loss of his heat. "Oh... Becca. Hey. I'd love to go, but I promised my roommates I'd hang out with them." He doesn't seem too upset about turning her down, so MC wonders if he's really busy or simply making up an excuse.
Becca puts on an exaggerated pout, sticking her bottom lip out in such a cliche way. She then grabs his arm and threads hers through his. "Too bad... I promise you'd have a better time with me..." Becca narrows her eyes in her best attempt at seduction, causing him to recoil slightly from her as he was clearly uncomfortable with her forwardness.
At this point MC has had enough and decides to interrupt her in turn. "Uh, we're kind of in the middle of a conversation." She interjects, clearly amazed at Becca's brash behavior.
"It looked to me like you were just leaving." She finally turns to MC, her first attempt at an interaction.
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MC is immediately irritated, hating games like this. There's no reason for this type of behavior. She and Chris were simply talking before Becca rudely interrupted. 'Who does she think she is acting like this...' "Actually--" MC begins, but just then Becca drops her iced coffee at MC's feet, causing it to splash all over her. The liquid immediately soaks through her clothes, making her cold.
"Seriously?!" MC grabs her shirt hem and looks down at her jeans and shoes, now thoroughly saturated. Becca's fake surprise turns into a snotty sneer. "Oops. I'm so clumsy." Again, she pouts.
Chris immediately pushes Becca's arms away as he steps towards MC, his mouth falling open in shock. "MC! Your outfit!" He quickly looks around for anything he can do to help. "I'll go find some napkins." He yells over his shoulder as he sprints towards the campus coffee shop.
As soon as he's gone, Becca leans in startling close, interrupting MC's fruitless attempt to rescue her now ruined clothes, possibly more like her dignity. "Just so you know, Chris is mine."Concerned by her direct statement MC's mouth drops open. "Oh, he's your boyfriend?" She starts to feel bad about the way the moments with Chris made her feel, her face going warm at the thought.
Becca stands up straight and sighs. "Not yet. But he will be." She says with such confidence as she flips her long blonde hair behind her shoulder.
MC's face goes flat. "Oh yeah? I could care less about your love life." Now she was pissed knowing she was right before. 'Who the hell did this girl think she was? The audacity. She doesn't even know me, a complete stranger, yet she acts like this.'
"Good. Just stay out of my way, and we'll be fine." She throws a judgmental look up and down MC's person, causing her to clench her jaw and narrow her eyes. MC knew then, that she would have an issue with Becca if she didn't back off. Upperclassman or not, it makes no difference.
As she feels her inner temp rising with anger she notices Chris running up with a stack of napkins. His look of concern causes her to immediately cool down. "This is the best I could do." He hands her some of the napkins and she attempts to wick some of the liquid from her shirt, completely giving up on the jeans at this point.
She didn't notice before because of her instant shock when Becca attacked, but some had splashed higher than her shirt. Some so high, it streaked across her left cheek and even landed a few drops in her hair. Chris apparently did notice though, as he reaches up and gently wipes her face. MC's cheeks suddenly feel warm again, her eyes locking with his. He then attempts to remove the drops from her hair, but she knew it was a lost cause. No matter how exciting it was for him to be concerned about her, especially after Becca's immature behavior, she knew her hair would be a wreck.
She gives him a genuine smile and reaches for his hand, taking the used napkin from him. Their hands make brief contact, sending a jolt through them both. She tries to ignore that it affected her like that, and that she noticed his slight jerk from the contact as well. "It's a good start... I'll just find my dorm and change. See you around okay?"
"You can count on it." Though his face was still full of concern he gives her a warm smile. Between his smile, his touch, and his concern... MC found that she was no longer cold.
She gives him a quick wink and a peace sign as she turns towards the dorms. She notices him briefly give Becca and incredulous look as she was again attempting to bleed into his side while dragging him to who knows where.
'Even if I have to deal with people like her, it's worth it if there are other people like him... this may be a great year after all.'
After a few minutes of slow walking to navigate through the quad and section of forms, she arrived. The building had 8900 on the top most corner so she knew she was on track.
"This looks like the place!" She finds the elevator and goes up to the third floor. MC knocks on the door, which almost instantly swings open to reveal a spacious common area. "Wow... this place is huge!" She stands there in amazement as she takes it all in.
"Aaaaahhh! New roomie! You're finally here!" An average height, dark haired girl approaches. "...and covered in coffee?" She frowns as she pauses in her mission for a hug.
MC looks down and assess her appearance. The coffee has begun to dry and looks worse than before. 'Great.' She shakes her head and poses, placing her right hand on her hip and dropping her luggage from her left hand to run it through your sticky hair. "Haven't you heard? It's the hottest look for fall." She laughs, making your most ridiculous duck lips.
The dark haired girl clearly loves this behavior, as she partially folds over with laughter. "Oh yeah? Well you're definitely pulling it off. Seriously, you're *super* pretty." She flashes MC a bashful smile.
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'What?! There's no way, especially now!' MC laughs to herself before honestly returning the compliment. "Thanks... you're super hot!" And she was. Her thick dark hair went past her shoulders, framing her exciting dark eyes and adorable nose. And then there was her smile. She had the perfect smile.
"Oh wow..." She blushes and looks away, a slight smile curving her lips.
"Too much?" MC wrinkles her nose and begins to feel like she may have gone too far. She just met her after all. 'What is it with you today.' She was being super open with everyone even though she had just arrived. Must be all the excitement buzzing around.
"I'm going to go with no..." She blushes an even darker shade. "But you probably want to get out of those coffee-stained clothes. Let me show you to your room!" She lets MC in, closing the door behind her before she takes off towards the hall.
Suddenly she turns giving MC a look of horror. "Omg. I'm Kaitlyn by the way!" She laughs again before continuing. "Man you really tongue tied me - I didn't even introduce myself."
"Oh yes, you're right! My name is MC." Kaitlyn reaches to shake her hand before she continues to lead her through the suit.
MC notices that the space continues to grow, much to her amazement. "Wait... do we have this whole place to ourselves?" She notice many closed doors, curious what may be behind them... bedrooms, closets, bathrooms.
"Ha! I wish. In case you haven't heard, the school's in a housing crunch. This is a six-person suite! We'll be sharing this place with one other girl... and three guys!" Kaitlyn's eyes grew big as she informed her of their predicament.
She knew Hartfeld had some co-ed dorms, and that she would be sharing with other freshman students, but didn't realize there would be six of them in a single space. As an only child, she hoped she would know how to build and maintain relationships with them all in such a close space, seeing as she was used to being alone most of the time while at home. 'This could be fun.' She grins.
"That's awesome! This is great. It'll be like having five best friends right off the bat." Kaitlyn nods and wholeheartedly agrees as they both bounce around with excitement.
"Just friends? They say the number one rule of freshman year is not to hook up with your roommates..." Kaitlyn wiggles her eyebrows, her eyes showing deep amusement. "But I don't always play by the rules." She winks and points her finger gun at you, taking a shot.
MC laughs, a small blush creeping up her cheeks. "I'll keep that in mind." She tries to stay focused on her room while thinking about the events of the day so far. Her literal run in with Chris, her unfortunate experience with Becca, and now Kaitlyn. She felt like she could be her best friend, like the two were tied together somehow.
Kaitlyn interrupts MC's inner monologue. "Here's your room. Hurry up and change, then we can hit the Welcome Week Fair!" She beings to turn towards the door and pauses. "Oh, I almost forgot! Every year, they set up an *massive* slip 'n slide in the middle of the fair!" She's now beaming at the thought. "It looks super fun... and it's a great excuse to wear a bikini!" She accentuated her statement with a wiggle of her hips, causing MC to laugh and join her impromptu dance.
MC asks, "So... are you going to do it?" She wonders if Chris will be there. He was a freshman this year too, right? She wasn't actually sure though, now that she thought about it. She knew he was on the football team, and Becca was definitely older if she was talking about a sorority. 'Maybe he isn't a freshman, maybe he is older, like her.'
"Definitely. You only get one chance to make a first impression. Sliding through the quad in a sexy swimsuit is a great way to make an entrance." Kaitlyn turns and heads for the door. "I'm gonna go change! Be back in a sec, okay?" As she runs to her room down the hall, MC digs for her bikini in her suitcase and shuts your door to change.
Once she checks her hair and makeup, she digs in her stuff again for her towel. She can't find it, beginning to worry that she forgot to pack one. Once she is satisfied with her appearance, she goes out to the common space, finding Kaitlyn waiting. "What do you think?" MC spins to show off her bathing suit.
Kaitlyn's mouth falls open. "I'm roommates with the hottest girl at Hartfeld!"
MC shakes her head in disagreement, assessing Kaitlyn's choice in bikini. It's a dark tube top style and she looks amazing in it. "Um, you don't look so bad yourself."
Kaitlyn snorts though a smile, waving her off. "Ready to go make a splash?" Kaitlyn asks as she grabs two towels, tossing one at MC, heading to the door.
'How did she know...' MC nods, with a determined smile on her lips. "Let's do this."
Outside they find dozens of people manning booths for various organizations. Onlookers cheer as freshmen coast down the slip 'n slide. MC’s not sure how she missed all of this being set up as she went through the quad earlier. She had been distracted tho, she reminded herself. Her thoughts drift towards the guy she met earlier.
As they both approach the slide, Kaitlyn can barely control herself. "Here goes nothing!" She gets a running start and jumps into the slip 'n slide. The crowd goes wild. People neither of them have seen before stop and cheer Kaitlyn on as she makes her way rapidly down the slide.
A preppy beautiful blonde with sweet eyes and a kind smile begins to cheer "Woo! I'm loving that confidence!" She claps her hands and laughs.
"Marry me!" A short haired blond guy wearing a puffy vest screams out. MC wonders if any of them will become her friends.
She laughs at Kaitlyn's enthusiasm and crowd response before positioning herself near the beginning of the slide. "My turn!" She sprints across the grass and dives head-first onto the slide. "This... is... cooooolllegeee!" She scream in her best 300 Spartans impersonation, as she poses like Superman.
As she reaches the end of the slide, slowing down as the water pools, she hears people talking about her. A tall handsome dark haired guy looks to his friend "Who's that girl? She's like... a slip 'n slide angel!" 
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He was tall, with a fairly broad chest. Clearly he participated in at least one type of sport. ‘This school has a lot to enjoy.’ She giggled to herself.
Out of nowhere Chris steps into view next to him. As he moves closer to the first guy, he leans to see who his friend was referring to. A smile spreads across his face as he watches her get up at the end. "That's MC. She's the one I was telling you about." He was speaking a somewhat quietly, almost like he didn't want her to hear. MC’s mind begins to wonder if they are on the football team together, as she remembers Chris mentioning that earlier, and they both certainly looked like they played football.
His friend responds. "No fair. How come beautiful girls never knock me over?!" The dark haired guy mock pouts as he strongly clasps Chris on the shoulder. Chris just grins harder, raising an eyebrow at MC as she glances over again. Instead of being embarrassed at being caught looking in their direction, she owns it, giving Chris a return lifted eyebrow and raises him a smirk. He openly laughs flashes her a big smile before turning to talk to other guys in their immediate group.
Just then Kaitlyn runs up to MC with a couple of snow cones, handing her one. "I don't know what flavor you like, so I just got rainbow."
"Thanks!" She tried to hide her excitement. Snow cones were a thing for her. It's like she and Kaitlyn were cut from the same cloth. She lets out a small sigh of relief, knowing that Kaitlyn would be her roommate and easy to hang out with.
"I've never seen someone so happy to get a snow cone." Kaitlyn laughs and takes a huge bite out of hers.
MC looks back over where Chris and his friend were standing just in time to see Becca arrive, positioning herself in front of Chris and his friend. She was going on about something MC couldn't quite make out. She wrinkles her nose and turns back to her new friend.
"Well, I do love snow cones... something serious. I might also be smiling because of this cute guy... I think he may be into me." She looks back towards Becca as she suddenly drops her red solo cup. Becca then moves and lowers herself very provocatively in front of Chris and his friend, her hand on his leg as she slowly stands back up, only inches from his body as she rises.
MC frowns at Becca's direct display of her body, basically on top of Chris. While his dark haired friend smirks and grabs his chest, Chris steps back as his face turns a deep shade of red and his brows pinched together in surprise. He was clearly uncomfortable now, and no longer aware of MC’s presence as he turned and walked towards some other friends to escape the sudden show.
MC looks around a crowd of people now in her line of sight, curious where he was going. He joined a new group of guys, many of which had football jerseys on. Becca apparently didn't notice he was gone immediately, also running out of view to catch up to him.
While it felt like an eternity, it only lasted seconds. Kaitlyn's eyes grew in her surprise. "Oh... uh, who? Where is he?" She stated looking where Chris previously was as MC was still somewhat distracted.
"He actually just left... looks like he's a popular guy. Lot of friends to mingle with." MC shrugs as if she was indifferent, but inside she was a little sad that he was gone. She shakes her head and smiles to her roommate. "I'm having a great time. Thank you for inviting me."
"You're so sweet... I'm so glad we're in the same suite. I feel like it was destiny for us to be roommates." She laughs and hugs MC as she hugs back. It felt good to have a connection with someone so soon after arriving. She missed her friends from back home.
"I think you might be right." They both raise their snow-cones and cheer, laughing as both treats slosh as they collide.
After taking a few minutes to dry off, MC and Kaitlyn check out the rest of the fair.
"Let's see here... a capella? Nah. Can't sing. Student government. Nah, don't care." MC laughs with Kaitlyn as she assesses and shoots down all the extracurricular activities and clubs as they pass. MC eyes never stop scanning the crowds for faces she may know, even though she really only met a few people so far. She was actually surprised at how many students were there, enjoying the fair. Hartfeld was going to be a great experience.
Just then her eyes land on a familiar face at the Kappa Phi Sigma booth. 'Becca...'
"Ah MC. Could you not stand so close to our tent?" She purses her lips as she evaluates her and Kaitlyn. "We don't want people thinking Kappa Phi Sigma would associate with someone like you."
Kaitlyn's face screws into a look of disgust. "Wow, MC, is this girl serious?" She crosses her arms below her chest and shoots Becca a solid glare.
"Unfortunately." MC’s eyes narrow as she refuses to break eye contact with the bitter blonde across from her.
Becca smirks, believing her comments are working. "Time to move along." She waves her on in a overly sweet, patronizing way.
The sweet kind-eyed blonde she saw earlier suddenly appears next to Becca with a look of surprise on her face. "Are you sure, Becca? I mean, look at her bikini... it's pure hotness!" She shoots MC a genuine smile. 
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"Aren't we basically honor bound to sign her up?" She frowns back at her less than friendly sorority sister.
"Madison, would you *please* stop undermining me?" Becca grounds out towards Madison between clenched teeth.
MC shakes her head and sighs. "Don't worry Becca. I'm not interested in joining any sorority that associates with someone like you."
Becca's smile brightens, replacing her scowl with a super fake look of a perfect sorority sister. "That's what I thought. Buh bye now." She smirks at MC and sips an iced coffee through a straw.
"I see you got a new coffee Becca..." The thought of retaliating for her earlier action crosses MC’s mind, but at the last second she finds the control inside, deciding to be the bigger person. She does however flinch in Becca’s direction, causing her to jump, spilling the iced coffee on herself.
"Aaahhh!" Becca's eyes go wide with horror as her cute outfit is ruined.
Kaitlyn's eyes narrow at her and she stifles a laugh into her hand. "You should be more careful. Coffee stains are super hard to get out." They both give in and start snickering between themselves.
Becca glares at them both. "You're going to regret this... you just made an enemy for life." She brushes her clothes in a vain attempt to remove the coffee.
MC shrugs as she begins to turn, walking away. "Eh, it seemed like you already hated me anyway."
"Get. Away. From. Me." Becca spat out, her face turning red.
"Becca, people are starting to avoid our booth..." Madison looks around nervously, as her sister continues to get louder.
"Shut up Madison!" She screeched.
"I guess this is where we say 'buh bye'..." MC winks at her as she and Kaitlyn walk away. She does wave at Madison as they leave, and she quickly waves back, before dropping her hand and looking at Becca nervously.
Kaitlyn flashes MC a smile. "Ms. Queen Bee was completely jealous of your look... she even doused herself in coffee because of it!" Grabbing her sides as she laughs.
"Well, with the way she acts, it was bound to happen. The world must maintain balance with people like that. It was inevitable." MC’s almost crying with laughter.
Kaitlyn throws her arm around her shoulder, the other sweeping across the quad in front of them as she speaks. "I can't believe it... your first day and you've already got a nemesis. You're so lucky!" She pulls her outstretched hand back in, making a fist of fury to emphasize her words.
As they both make their way back toward the dorm, MC randomly looks back across the quad. Her eyes meet a tall dark, very handsome man wearing a sweater vest and blazer. She immediately finds it odd that he's wearing so many layers, especially formal layers, while visiting the fair. It works for him though, very complementary to his physique.
"See something you like?" Kaitlyn interrupts, elbowing her in the ribs.
MC gives her a mocking "Ooof!" and turns towards her again. "You mean that guy? He's not really my type." As you gesture towards the well dressed guy you were just assessing. She did admit to herself that he wasn't bad to look at though.
Kaitlyn looks over at him thoughtfully. "Hmm... a girl with high standards. I like it."
MC laughs and roll her eyes. A moment later, said guy walks into a nearby building and disappears from view. He quickly falls from MC’s thoughts as Kaitlyn speaks again.
"Hey, it's getting dark and I just got a text from one of our roommates. They're all home!" She speeds up her pace, eager to get back.
"Sounds like we should be heading back to the suite then. I'm excited to meet everyone else, maybe I'll hit the roommate lotto four more times." MC winks at Kaitlyn and she blushes, giving her a huge grin.
A few minutes later they both enter the suit's front door and notice an empty common space as they head to their respective rooms. MC thought it was odd since Kaitlyn just said they were all back. ‘Maybe they are in their rooms too?’ She wonders.
While this afternoon was a blast, she was more than happy to change back into her regular clothes. MC decides that a pair of jeans, a tank top and an open button up flannel would look good and still remain comfortable. While simple, the outfit was flattering. The jeans hugged her hips and ass in just the right places, the tank was firm fitting and gave her great cleavage, and the flannel... well it was one of your favorites as it was super comfortable. That's all she cared about. As she runs her hands through her hair, she realizes it and her makeup could use a serious touch up. She looks into her dresser mirror and nods - she no longer looks like she's covered in coffee or a drowned slip 'n slide rat. "Perfect."
As the sun sets, she walks into the suite living room and finds a girl standing in front of a painters easel. She wasn't there when she and Kaitlyn entered just 20 minutes ago, apparently assuming correctly that the others had been in their rooms. She then starts to wonder who's room was which. There was one right across the hall from hers, but the door was currently shut. She knew Kaitlyn was at the end, same side as hers, but the one across from hers and the two in the middle were still a mystery.
"Hey, you must be MC. I'm Abbie." MC moves forward in attempt to shake her hand, but Abbie quickly pulls hers back, causing her natural curls to bounce. "Ah! Careful! I'm covered in paint and I would hate to ruin your outfit!" She sheepishly laughs.
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MC’s eyes widen at the beauty on her canvas. "Oh, you're an artist?"
Abbie looks down at her artwork and sighs. "Wow... no. I'm a long way from calling myself an *artist*." She bashfully looks up. "I guess I'm... more of a girl that paints. Anyway, everyone else is up on the roof already. I'm going to finish up and join you guys a little later."
Kaitlyn scoffs. "No way! You're coming with us Abbie... you can finish your painting later. It's not going anywhere."
Abbie let's a small smile cross her face. "I guess I'm close to finished... what do you think MC?" She taps the end of her brush on her lips.
"Hmm..." MC takes a second to fully appreciate her work. Studying the image, she sees a young girl at a dresser surrounded by fairies, dragons and other fantasy creatures. In her reflection she has a crown and a very content look on her face. The detail was amazing. It looked so real, yet it was a complete fantasy.
Kaitlyn was also appraising Abbie's artwork. "So, what's your thoughts MC?"
"It looks amazing Abbie... I was just wondering, are you the girl in the painting?" MC wants to know more about it, about her.
She blushes and looks at the floor. "Uh.. maybe? I don't know. I've heard it's impossible to keep yourself out of your own work... and I was definitely super into fairytales when I was little." Her smile grows bigger as she reaches within, connecting with an old memory.
"Aww! That's adorable!" Kaitlyn gushes, giving Abbie a one armed hug.
"So it's sorta a self-portrait of the artist as a young girl... plus fairytale creatures?" MC says thoughtfully. "A world you wanted to experience?"
"Sort of, yeah." She contemplates her work as she stares at it, cocking her head sideways.
Kaitlyn jumps up quickly, startling us both. "So!" She claps her hands. "Now are you ready to come up to the roof with us Abbie?"
"Sure... but only if I get to pick the music." She looks seriously at Kaitlyn. MC couldn't help but wonder what she had missed earlier in the day, there had to be a story there.
"Your wish is my command." Kaitlyn bows. "Now let's go!" She runs her arm through Abbie's and begins dragging her towards the stairs.
MC trails behind them both, becoming familiar with the new surroundings as she crosses the rooftop threshold. She had no idea there was roof access, realizing that it made more sense they were all up there instead of in their rooms. Kaitlyn pauses in front of her, throwing her arms out towards the night sky. "Nice. We've got such an amazing view."
Abbie turns towards MC, giving her a better view of the roof and the rest of their roommates. "Ready to meet the guys? This is..."
Suddenly, he's there, right in front of her. "Actually... we've already met." His smile turns up on one side as his face lights up with amusement.
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MC’s mouth falls open slightly. "Chris?! You're my roommate?" She stands there, in slight shock as she inwardly laughs. 'Guess that answers the question if he is a freshman...'
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thedecemberthoughts · 5 years ago
Text
On everything and anything during the quarantine so far...
April 23, 2020
There are many things i am currently worried about, and it seems that its so much that i cannot identify each of them. I have been thinking over many things, and i cannot keep up. I worry about what i can do to keep myself motivated. I worry about what i can do to keep myself moving, and not just on my phone. I think about projects i can do, but never find the motivation to do them. I am worries about the things i applied for, and if they will get cancelled. I am still hoping that i get the artist residency in Liepzig, Germany but i won’t know that until may when they send the emails. Or when i check the website, and they’ve announced the participants. I hope i do get in. I know i can provide work that can truly be called art. But i know i should also leave room for disappointment, and as i dough, the more i worry about the results. I hope later today,
you find things to drive you to do the things you plan to. To finally 3D model again, to dra the portraits you havent, to research about lights so you can have a set up in your room. To try and move the uniqlo paper bags from the back of the cabinets, into the big suitcase. To continue learning german, and maybe have a practice partner soon. 
May 21, 2020
I haven’t left the house for about 60 days now. I haven’t really gone crazy, and to be fair, i am quite enjoying being home. I do miss human contact; i want to be hugged. I think if anything, i miss the weight and warmth of another person. I often hug my parents, but hugging someone without them hugging back is a totally different feeling. I think im okay. For the most part, i think everything is fine. But if im being honest, i know im mostly keeping it in, and pushing it down. I think im going crazy, but unlike everyone else, its not because im locked in. 
I wish i knew how to be honest for everything. I hope i find the courage to come out to Floris soon, and i hope nothing bad happens to our friendship when i do. I think once everyone i care about knows im Bisexual, id been less anxious. Hiding this from everyone, i think is keeping me so tightly wound. 
The sleepless nights keep coming. i hope it gets fixed soon. Ive been enjoying getting to know Lucas during the late/early times though. I hope we become better friends. He’s really nice and i enjoy his company. Hopefully soon we get to call and i can finally talk to him and hear him speak. I know he’s not gay but hey, he’s also a nice guy to have as a potential boyfriend; of course thats not my main point. I like him because he can be as passionate about design as i am. And besides, hes just really fun to get to know. I hope that doesn’t die down soon. 
I also haven’t heard about the German Artist Residency. I still am sparing it a bit of hope, despite this i know the news that i wasn’t chosen, though might be predictable, will crush me. By all means i really wish i get to go. In this weird times, its a sliver of hope that i am craving. 
What really tugs on my heart is how little friends i seem to have; which i can’t seem to prove because i do care about some people, and i talk to a few from time to time. But being someone’s second or spare option is something i feel no one i know really gets. Being someone who doesn’t really belong in a group of friends, and who doesn’t fit in with their circles, as much as i have endured living it, crushes me more each day. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Can i be someone’s first choice, main priority, someone’s person for once? I love being there for people but why can’t i have someone be there for me? Its a hirt i can’t seem to ease, and each day it throbs even harder. I hope i get over this, or find a solution soon. 
Will my death even matter at this point? I’m not thinking of killing myself, but it makes me think. Do people actually care about me enough to want me to stay alive? Well yes sure. thats easy. i think for most people who know someone, they wouldn’t wish death on them. But does it really matter if its only hypothetical. In these situations, perhaps actions can speak louder than words indeed.
Bottomline, i guess i just want attention from someone who willingly and pointedly wants to give it to me. To be appreciated despite my discomfort with being appreciated. To be noticed, and to finally be visible. I crave to be someone’s. But for now i guess a tight hug from my best friend (which is impossible because he’s in fucking Germany right now), or from one of my other friends. To have a caring person envelop me in their arms, and radiate warmth from their hearts to mine. Is that too much to ask? 
I want someone to care for me as much as i care for them. 
May 27, 2020
Why the fuck am i so fucking gay? Also why do i want to have friends so bad, only to push them away before they fuckin leave me? I want to die and i hate this life. Or maybe i just don’t want this particular life anymore. 
It seems that despite all my efforts to leave this life behind, something keeps drawing me in. I know in these cases, it mostly means that theres something i am not answering to. In the heroes journey cycle its believed that until the hero answers the call, it will keep beckoning for him to acknowledge and do something about it. (this shit is gonna sound so fucking gross when i read this back, but man. do i care?). anyway, It seems i am stuck in this cycle, and to be able to leave all this behind, i have to acknowledge or do something. Am i so stupid oblivious to know what it is? I wanna fucking die. 
Why does my heart hurt too? how is this fair. I hate being so ugly, and so unattractive. Fuck this life… what am i doing wrong. Besides, why can’t i be transparent with people? why do i keep putting up personas to everyone i meet. ITS NOT FUCKING COOL. and above all, its so exhausting. I seriously need help…
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