#bcs she was still going through the early stages of her breakup

[soshiharin]

Has there ever been a time where Harin was noticeably emotional in public? Like when snsd won a daesang and they were all crying. And since Harin is always so put together and calm in public it surprises a lot of people.

harin is a bit of an emotional person but she refuses to cry in public so you can count on one hand the times she’s been caught crying. the most memorable one, though, is from snsd’s 2017 fanmeet ‘holiday to remember’ bcs she was visibly emotional throughout the fanmeet and towards the end was crying a lot (tears were streaming down her face but she tried her best to look ‘normal’). that was the most emotional she had ever been in public

[9w1ft]

oh my GOD *realization*

okay i dont have anywhere else to put this bc i don't have tiktok but

i was watching thru some of @diickvandyke's older tiktoks, she's a great creator, and there was one, basically entry level kaylor timeline, talking about the arc and shared muse of rep-lover-folklore-evermore. she mentioned the album covers showing this, almost like a cycle.

the rep cover has taylor looking directly at the camera, lover is looking down, folklore is looking up, evermore is looking down. so like rep and evermore are parallel but also opposite, and lover and folklore are as well. best example is that in rep (early stages of relationship) she could be looking at her muse, in evermore she could be walking away (aftermath, getting closure)

lover and folklore parallel, especially when considering her muse as the sun. she's in the purple pink skies, above the trees, looking down at the muse. then she comes crashing down to earth, but she's still searching for her sunlight.

so keyword being CYCLE. she mentioned them being linked as a CIRCLE as well.

now, what does the next album cover, midnights, look like? (at least the one we have released rn, i have a suspicion there's going to be another official front cover)

what's different about it? what's something about this cover she's almost never done?

she's facing the camera directly.

it's like she's back at the start of the cycle we mentioned.

not meaning she's at the start of a new relationship, just like narratively she's gone through all those stages and now she's back to the beginning with a new body of work.

(and yes i know she's sorta looking down/at the lighter but shhh it's close enough)

i just think that's cool as hell and more evidence for that arc of those 4 albums, not just folkmore being fictional.

sorry for the long-ass ask, this was an entire rant 😭

ah yeah i find myself liking a lot of their tiktoks!

i do like the idea of there being some symmetry or, that there is some sort of visual connection between the four albums, although i’m not of the persuasion that folklore or evermore are breakup albums so

[homemade-ghosts]

do you think gina will be saying she loves ej back at all? i keep feeling like she will because she thinks she does love him. when i think of that scenario i keep wondering to myself how we get to what happens in ep 7 then? every other spoiler has been correct so i cant see why this would be the one spoiler that’s not but how do we get to gina saying she loves ei to That. i fear they’ll call ricky a rebound bc they have no media literacy and/or call gina a cheater 😭😭

always taking that way the fact the only shot we have for ep 8 is gina and ricky looking at each other while singing with corbin and miss jen in the middle to me means good things even without knowing spoilers but

If this season were longer, I'd say maybe (because there would be time for Gina to say it back and then, 2-3 episodes later, realize she was never really in love with EJ, she was in love with the idea of him) but given the limited time we have left this season + what we know about ep 7, I'd have to say no. If EJ does tell Gina he loves her, I don't think she'll say it back.

Gina, like Anna with Hans, saw her relationship with EJ through rose-colored glasses. He was her fantasy of the perfect first boyfriend...until he wasn't. The more Gina got to know Ricky, the more they connected, but it had the opposite effect with EJ. The more she found out about him, the more she felt like she couldn’t trust or rely on him, the more she realized just how disconnected they really are.

While I don’t think she’ll reciprocate the “I love you”, I do think it’s possible that they make up early into episode 6. Maybe EJ, knowing that Miss Jenn is currently on her way to camp to take over some of his directorial responsibilities, tells Gina that he promises they’ll spend more time together soon. He promises he’ll be there for her, that she can count on him. She reluctantly accepts and gives him a chance to prove it...but then, according to the 306 promo, he misses her “basketball triumph” (side note: I’m still unsure if this is a reference to a literal basketball game that the Blue Team wins for Color Wars or Gina’s duet with Corbin on the faux basketball court stage) and that’s the final straw. EJ claims he’s “the guy who shows up”, but he forgot a key part of showing up: you have to keep doing it. You have to put in the effort. You have to stick around. 

The rose-colored glasses are off and now they’ve got a crack right down the middle. It’s over. Gina knows she deserves more than this, she deserves someone who won’t just say he loves her, but actually work to show her that love (”love’s not a thing you get: it’s work and tears and sweat.”). Gina won’t settle for some superficial, hail Mary declaration of love & I hope she’ll tell EJ as much. 

I know this is probably unlikely, but whenever I imagine this scene I picture Gina saying something like, “For once, EJ, just be honest. You don’t love me, you barely even know me! All this lying and hiding and not apologizing? That’s not love. I deserve someone who’s going to be there for me, who can be happy for me without thinking about himself. I deserve someone--” EJ interrupts with, “Someone like Ricky?” & BOOM, there’s your set up for the events of ep 7.

No matter how that scene actually goes, even if they don't officially break up in ep 6, I feel pretty confident in saying that both Gina & EJ will know, by the end of the episode, that they can’t come back from this. 

As for your point about #them calling Ricky a rebound &/or Gina a cheater: no matter what happens, they’ll find a way to villainize Ricky & Gina and victimize EJ. No matter how much time there is in between the pw breakup and Rina officially getting together, they’ll still say Ricky is a rebound and Gina “hasn’t had enough time to process her breakup with EJ” and that she’s “being forced to move on too quickly.” It’s exactly what they’re doing with Ricky right now. Despite the fact that Ricky had an entire arc about learning to let go of his past and accept/embrace change that culminated in his breakup with Nini, despite the fact that he himself said he didn’t like the person he was becoming when they were together, despite the fact that he wrote 2 whole songs about how he was over her, they claim he’s still in love with Nini. Even after Ricky’s mind immediately went to Gina when he heard Carlos say “EJ, you’ve stolen the woman Ricky loves.” They still say if Nini was at camp, Ricky wouldn’t even look at Gina. It’s wrong and it’s annoying and it makes them look stupid, but that’s never stopped them before. I don’t expect their reaction to Rina later this season to be any different, honestly. They’re committed to misunderstanding this story.

About that clip from ep 8: It does look like everyone is a part of whatever song they’re singing there (pretty sure you can see a glimpse of the shirt Larry was wearing when they filmed the finale next to Sofia, so Big Red is there too) but I think it says a lot that Ricky & Gina seem to be looking past Corbin & Miss Jenn and directly at each other. Tbh, after all the leaks, it’s kind of nice that we don’t know much about the finale, IMO.

[jonroxton]

as for clois, the writing choices made little sense to me. why did they wait so long to make them explicitly romantic? i swear they were still writing clana in s8. at times it felt like lois was in love with the blur & not clark & that she really started falling for clark when she realised he was the blur. and that's fine, i don't mind it tbh, but they should have started writing clois in s5-s6 so they can get that aspect out of the way with enough time to write lois being in love with clark

love these. gonna tackle ‘em one at a time.

1. why did they wait so long to make them explicitly romantic? 

It seems to have been a combo of things. there were rules set on lois by the superman offices  irt what she could do, who she could interact with and even how long they had her for a season. this is why you barely saw her with lex or at the planet in her early years, and why clois doesn’t ever move beyond the bantering subtext stage until like season 6. I remember  returns was coming out and the superman offices lifted a few restrictions on how the show could use her, this changed a little when s7 ended and Rosenbaum and Kreuk left and new contracts drawn, but they were more or less constricted in how they could portray clois. always through loopholes basically. the why of this is simply bc the show never wanted to venture too fast into the superman mythos, which is what lois and clois brought them. 

s8-s10 got new show runners and less restrictions, but why still the delay? why have lana return and stop all that s8 build up.  with hindsight and within the context of the complete show, it’s difficult for me to frame her returning arc as anything but horrific for clark/lana, and though I wished they hadn’t beat that dead horse, what they did holds a lot of nuance and pathos for both characters. the writers seem to have wanted complete closure irt to clark with lana before ever pursuing clois seriously. they were never the greatest writers so the result is lost in translation. some see it as forced on them, but I feel this does the whole arc a disservice, since it’s explicit choices down the line that lead to their separation/break up , bottom line is that clark and lana lie to each other and this time the consequences are irreversible, the pattern of the secrets and lies causing all their strife finally broken.  it all seems to move slow or even backwards irt to clois romantically, but the show took clark’s pains over losing lana (again for the billionth time) seriously. going for clois at this point would have indeed been the rebound, the show decided not to and overall is the better for it.

2. this is where the blur comes in

clark is not looking for romance in s8 (neither is lois) and clois is not romantic in that they are in love and together. this has been the running gag since her arrival, with the subtext (if you see it) being that they actually like one another and enjoy each others (biting) company and one day will be married. the fun is in their clashing personalities not being quite who they are destined to be, and we watch it all while clark is passionately in love with his high school sweetheart. this was certainly annoying considering how long it went on, nevertheless, all through both of their romantic entanglements, clark and lois have a strong friendship and camaraderie that works irregardless of whether or not they’re romantically interested (or seen that way). this is the foundation s8 builds on, that they’re good (maybe great) friends and can count on each other. this is actually an anomaly in SV lol, but they’re really the only people the other can depend on completely without fail.

so clark is heart broken yet he’s also for the first time coming into his own. he and lois are in a new environment, more professional, more serious, more superman. the superman/lois/clark triangle and its effectiveness (or lack thereof) has been written about before and by my betters. what I can say as I understand it is: it’s a mistake to differentiate between superman/clark blur/clark as separate people and its not so much that lois falls for one over the other but that she recognizes something in superman that is very much like clark and vice vera and does so at different times. the structure of this narrative is infuriating, but thematically is filled with identity madness. this is always why the triangle ends when lois is conflicted about being in love with both precisely bc they’re so alike. a wider superman running gag is lois lamenting clark and superman are not the same person bc they would be the perfect man. 

superman/blur is the powerful, lonely, kryptonian side of clark and sv clark has never had an easy time connecting with this part of himself (he’s actively fought against it). when he’s speaking to lois as the blur, this is not someone clark has seen before, this serious, introspective, entirely giving lois who wants to listen to him. who doesn’t run away from him and fully accepts his powers. and though she doesn’t know it, she’s connecting with a serious, hidden part of clark. I think another important point about how lois sees clark is that she IS impressed with him because he constantly surpasses her expectations, even without the subtext of being interested in each other, lois does have an appreciation for clark as a do-gooder. 

3. with the foundation of their friendship and history, this leads to a lot of s8 stories where they have to confront their subtext for the first time (that saw episode where they pretend fake married and forced to go through a test. it’s literally WHATS YOUR SUBTEXT?! sv anvil’s for ya). made all the more complex by exes and secret identities.

4. LAST THING I think is important to consider

lois and clark have seen each other go through terrible breakups and have seen each others heartbreak. the last half of s8 very much plays up that notion of not getting involved to not get hurt. hooking them up early on would’ve meant not getting this very careful characterization where lois and clark work hard and seriously on their relationship to make it work. 

5. last last thing: it’s a shame we didn’t see it

I disagree we didn’t see it. s8-s9 was more loophole superman shenanigans but s10 is one glorious clois domestic train! 

[shrugman]

all of them ily facetime me

I’m half a bottle of wine in so this is the perfect time to answer this

1. Name: Michelle Bair

2. Birthplace: some airforce base in virginia 

3. Ancestry: general European, Scottish, and Native American

4. Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

5. Biggest fear: Abandonment 

6. Strength/Weakness: For the most part I’m pretty honest / I can’t make decisions if they impact other people

7. Worst habit: braiding and unbraiding my hair / shaking my leg

8. Favorite holiday: Halloween  

9. Ever been in a car crash: thankfully, no

10. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher: Paul omg

11. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house: drop whatever bag I’m holding

12. Age at first kiss: 14? Idk whatever the second half of 8th grade was

13. When did you fall in love for the first time: when I was 15

14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long: Stephanie is my ride or die for like 11 years. Like literally I’d die without her I love her so much 

15. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: pump that GPA up a bit

16. What were you doing at midnight last night: trying (failing) to sleep

17. When was the last time you laughed hard: earlier when I was telling Stephanie a story about my dad

18. Who was the last person that told you they love you: My dad 

19. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday morning: idk man probably a generic sound of unhappy

20. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with: I don’t even know because like what actually counts as a date?

21. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen: never happened

22. Who did you see in concert first: Jimmy Buffet I shit you not

23. Who was your favorite teacher: Paul

24. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day: I text Stephanie 

25. Who do you think about most: probably Stephanie 

26. Is your ideal occupation? Optometrist 

27. Beer, wine, or liquor? liquor 

28. Favourite restaurant?  Saizeriya (it’s in Japan)

29. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Vanilla with cherry 

30. McDonlads or Burger King? McDonalds 

31. Fantasy dinner guest(s)? Kate McKinnon 

32. Have you ever been drunk? When was the last time? I’m like tipsy rn so? now? idk

33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk? honestly I don’t even known

34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? Wonder? idk

35. How many pets do you have? a single dog

36. What would be the first thing you bought if you won the lottery? idk something stupid like some cheese 

37. When was the first time you smoked? Like a cigarette? Never. Weed? Sometime last fall when I went camping 

38. Who last sent you a text? Stephanie 

39. Who did you last send a text to? Stephanie lmao 

40. What 4 things would you take to a desert island? i’d just die

41. Name the 3 most important people in your life? Shit this is hard because like obviously Stephanie but also my family and there are 4 people in that and I can’t pick whos the most important out of them so 

42. Favorite song? I honestly don’t know

43. Favorite movie? Heathers 

44. When did you last cuddle someone? fuck idk like late march early april?

45. When did you last have sex? see above

46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? probably either jump off a roof or tell my dad I’m into girls

47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? Abandonment, yes. Constantly 

48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? There are way to many fucked up things to even choose 

49. What relationships have ended? But you can’t let go? Idk there was one that at first I couldn’t let go but now I can so?

50. Where would you take a road trip? Albuquerque 

51. How do Mondays feel for you? during the summer, whatever. During the year, like i put a vacuum on my face 

52. If you could spend ten minutes with your ‘hero’ alive or dead what would you ask them? Omg Stephanie how did you get to Germany 

53. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’? a weird combo of both tbh

54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? Idk I guess getting into JMU is p good 

55. What scares you about your future? That I won’t’ do well enough to get into Optometry school 

56. Why does pizza come in a square box? easier to transport 

57. What would happen if you knew you could not fail? so many things 

58. How does it feel to be photographed? sometimes I hate it but i like being able to look back on the moments 

59. If you could erase an event from your mind, which one would you choose? oh god... maybe seeing my dad cry while I went through security out of Japan for the last time 

60. Do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’? No. I want my children to be better than me in every way so that once I’ve taught them all I know they can then teach me what they’ve learned 

61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? I try to stand for it 

62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? If I had the talent, be a stage actor 

63. What are you thankful for, this moment? That surgery went well yesterday 

64. Do you have same sex fantasies? Well I mean, yeah 

65. If you have had sex in a public place, where? a pool locker room 

66. Have you ever cried during/after sex? nope

67. Who is the oldest person you’ve had sex with? Dylan

68. Who is the youngest person you’ve had sex with? Tori

69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner? Dom

70. How tall are you? 5′10

71. How much do you weigh? 144 which I was hype about because the last time I’d checked I was 150

72. What color is your hair naturally?  like dirty blondeish?

73. What size jeans do you wear? 8 I think but idk

74. What is your favorite color to wear?   black

75. Do you have any piercings?    just ears

76. Do you have any tattoos?    no

77. Do you care how other people see you?    I mean yeah

78. Do you like sports?  I love ballet but other than that no 

79. How do you feel about age differences in relationships?  It depends. Like below 25 if you have more than a few years I’m iffy, but the older you are the more lenient I am 

80. How do you feel about race differences in relationships?    idgaf

81. Do you believe in karma or fate?    yeah

82. Do you keep a journal? no   

83. Describe the last dream you remember: I can’t remember a recent one 

84. Describe your favorite dream: Don’t really have one

85. Where are some places you would like to visit? Canada, South America, Paris, etc   

86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? Paramore and Halsey but I’m too stressed about money to buy tickets 

87. What music do you listen to when you are happy? BTR and early 2000s songs rn

88. What music do you listen to when you are mad?  Breakup songs. I have a playlist

89. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Candles, yes

90. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Wine

91. What are your favorite alcoholic beverages? I like sex on the beaches and vodka mixed with cranberry juice 

92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? no cigarettes or cigars. Tried weed twice but it didn’t work 

93. Who is your number 1 friend and why is he or she there? Stephanie becuase she’s always there for me and when everything in my life is falling apart she’s always my rock and I just love her so much 

94. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member? I don’t know what this means

95. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with? Of my current friends? Nah I don’t think so

96. Would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath? I DON’T WANT TO DIE

97. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex? yeah

98. Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you? //actual// ex? idk maybe 

99. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? been there, done that

100. What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people? dude

101. How often do you brush your teeth? twice a day

102. How often do you shower?  When was the last time you had a shower? I try to shower every day. I just took a bath and then washed my hair with the shower head

103. How often do you shave your legs?  rarely lmao

104. Political affiliation? dude

105. Opinion on abortion? duDE

106. Opinion on immigrants/ immigration reform? dUDE

107. Should prostitution be legalized? honestly I don’t know enough to say

108. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? wtf kind of meta

109. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? it’s easier that way

110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? just like... make everyone stop hating everyone else so much

111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? acting

112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? 100%

113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? well technically I live in both Germany and America so this question is too complex

114. Why are you the person you are? what

115. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I try but I’ve had slipups

116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? bc ppl suc

117. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I’‘d probably be a lot more outgoing 

118. Were you happy when you woke up today? no

119. What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? Well my mom just texted me and she really liked turtles 

120. Want someone back in your life? At times, but then I remember they’re gone for a reason 

121. What are you excited for? PRAGUE

122. Are you scared to fall in love? sometimes 

123. When is your next road trip?idk

124. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? told stephanie I love her

125. Do you like to cuddle? yeh

126. Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours? maybe? idk

127. Plans for tomorrow? we’re going to see castles 

128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? too much

129. How is life going for you right now? :/

130. If you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept? yep

131. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? tori

132. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? I mean I never have, but I think I could if the military would butt out 

133. If you could have one super power what would it be? transformation 

134. Background on your cell phone? the lockscreen is a gradient from purple to pink and the background is Tyler on a piano 

135. What are you thinking about right this second? these questions 

136. Last book you read? How was it? I Wrote This For You. made me cry. I loved it 

137. What is the last thing you bought? coffee at the airport 

138. Do you live with your parents? during holidays 

139. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? no

140. Have you ever met a celebrity? not like A-list

141. What are you like when you’re drunk?  super giggly 

142. What are you like when you’re high? idk

143. Do you want children? yeah

144. Do you want a church wedding? no

145. How many pillows do you sleep with? as many as I can 

146. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope 

147. Who was your first real crush? this guy Matt in 4th grade lmao

148. What are you allergic to? grass and pollen 

149. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? rn I like the name Vita but ask again in like 3 months 

150. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? Girl just because I feel like I’d be able to raise her better 

151. How did you get your name? My sister pointed at my mom’s baby bump and was like “Michelle!” and they were like ok

152. Name one thing about your body you love? my cheek bones 

153. What is your biggest goal in life? be happy. Like fully

154. Do you still have feelings for your ex? nah

155. Do you think aliens are real? YES

156. What age did you start drinking? my first drink was at 14 but I started like regulatory drinking at 17 

157. What do you think of President Obama? YES

158. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? nah

159. Describe your dream girl/guy? idk

160. Story of your first kiss? we were at a park 

161. Story of the first time you made out with someone? same as ^

162. Story of the first time you had sex? I went over to her house while her parents were at work 

163. When did you first have sex? when I was 18

164. First time you gave/ received oral sex? ^

165. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? nope

167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? Holtzman

168. How many followers do you have on tumblr? What about twitter/ instagram? 44/87/19

169. Are you friend with your parents on Facebook? yeah

170. First time you thought you were in love? When did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person? 14, when we broke up and I realized I was confusing a crush for love 

171. Do you talk to yourself? wayyyy too much 

172. How old will you be on your next birthday? 20

173. How did you meet the last person you kissed? tinder 

174. Do you have any hickies? not rn

175. Turn ons? being confident without being cocky 

176. Turn offs? acting like you’re entitled to me

177. What qualities did you get from your mom? petty, creative 

178. What qualities did you get from your dad? idiot, hard working 

179. How many siblings do you have? 1

180. Have you ever taken anyone’s virginity? yeah

that took so long omg. ily

[silenceandpatiencepining]

memories with TS songs

Today I’m thinking about how many memories I have with Taylor songs and imaging how there are even more coming just waiting to happen.

I was in sixth grade when Taylor’s first album came out and I used to steal my older sister’s hot pink iPod nano so I could listen to Taylor on the bus drives to and from school. It’d be me sitting alone, slouched on the seat with my knees propped up, staring out the window daydreaming while listening to Our Song. Or thinking about Teardrops On My Guitar and changing the lyrics to “teardrops on my violin” bc I was an orchestra kid with massive crushes on people who always looked past me.

Every time I had a falling out with someone or a friend that was going through a breakup, Picture to Burn was there with me. On more than one occasion my sister or I brought the small kitchen pot and a lighter to our bathroom and turned on the blower so we could literally burn pictures or notes or letters without starting a fire.

I’m Only Me When I’m With You has been the longtime anthem of me falling in love with my best friends over and over, and them not feeling the same way.

The summer after Fearless came out, I was absolutely obsessed with the album. I was away from home for a month or so and I would listen to it on repeat. Sometimes I’d g-chat (bc it was the newest feature on my new gmail account) with my cousin and we’d watch the You Belong With Me music video at the same time and gush about it.

Fearless was really That Album—so many iconic bops. Hey Stephen was my first favorite on that album. The Best Day made me want to cry and hug my parents and I still think that if I ever get married, that’s gonna have to be my father daughter dance song. I still scream sing the bridge of Tell Me Why every time it comes on. Fearless is the song that got me and still gets me gassed up to shoot my shot (archer pun not intended). Fifteen. White Horse. You’re Not Sorry. BREATHE. Forever & Always became my sign-off salutation and it’s still one I use. The Way I Loved You! I didn’t have the deluxe version of the album (bc I didn’t know there was one) but damn. I still stan fearless.

Speak Now was definitely the album my sister loved the most. It’s a lyrical masterpiece. I don’t know if I’m remembering this right but when Mine dropped with the music video there was this story circulating that it dropped early because Taylor and her team found out that it had leaked while they were on a flight or something crazy so they released as soon as they landed, ahead of the original date. And I remember watching that video and being so in love with all the pictures hanging on strings in the forest. I have so many memories of me playing Speak Now from my CD player and jumping around singing and dancing to my favorites songs or lying on the carpet like a dramatic bitch for the slow ones, especially Dear John. I’m pretty sure the only way I listened to Dear John was lying on the floor in the puddle of tears (imagined and real).

Red came out when I was in high school and everyone was so shook when it dropped bc we were like yooooo is Taylor experimenting with dubstep (back when dubstep had its little hay day). 2012 was such a weird year. It gave us Kony 2012 and apocalypse theories. But mostly, Red is the album that was the soundtrack to my last years of high school. It was sitting in the passenger seat with the music up and windows down, on long drive to the country or to get milkshakes and slushees. It was me falling in love with my best guy friend again, him choosing to date my best girl friend, and then him breaking both of our hearts. It was forbidden moments with him knowing he was dating my best friend. It was me singing “don’t look at me you got a girl at home and everybody knows that” and then being a fucking hypocrit bc all our friends would be over hanging out and we’d be snuggled up, never holding hands or kissing but always being a little too close.

Red was the first concert I got to see Taylor. A relative got me tickets for my birthday. I wore my cowboy boots and favorite hi-low dress and curled my hair. And every drive I took that year, after every pool party, after every movie date with the boy, every last adventure before my friends went off to college, every late night at a friends house was awash in Red.

1989 is the soundtrack of my first years of college. It was me feeling left behind and awkward, and turning that into a fresh start in a new city and trying to shake off negativity. I remember when the Shake It Off video came out and I literally screamed and laughed and cried tears of happiness bc I felt so seen. Loving to dance even though I wasn’t the best at it. I remember late nights walking around campus in the dark in the winter listening to Welcome to New York and letting that feeling of endless possibilities and new beginnings wash over me. I remember countless times I zoned out standing in the shower thinking about Clean. I remember feeling like 1989 sounded like such a mixtape (in the best way—it captured such a specific set of feelings).

Reputation. Where do I even start. I think up until Rep, my love for Taylor Swift and her music was such an internal part of me, but EVERYONE was talking once the singles started coming out and it was when I finally found myself getting defensive over Taylor. I remember literally screaming the first time I watched the LWYMMD music video. My eyes nearly popped out of my head. When the lyric video for CIWYW came out, my best friend and I were staying at this hotel while she was visiting me and I cried and all I could say was that I was just so happy that Taylor found someone to love her whole. reputation was quite literally the only thing I really listened to for MONTHS. I was obsessed with the album. I would have died for that album.

I initially didn’t think I would get a chance to see her on tour because the tickets were soooo expensive but I ended up getting a surprisingly cheap floor seat just 3 days before I saw her in Foxborough night 1. That entire performance blew my mind. I was 5 rows back from the B stage which ended up being the perfect place cause Tay was soooo close while performing Shake It Off (one of my all time faves) and the surprise acoustic song was 22, which made me literally melt because I had just turned 22. I actually danced so hard during SIO that I twisted my ankle and fell back onto my seat during the concert—almost everybody that was seated around me had moved up by that point to get closer while Tay was on the B stage, but my ✌️social anxiety ✌️ was not about that life. I think I lost my voice from singing. And definitely was shooketh to the core when Hayley Kiyoko came on stage. Truly unforgettable.

This era has been such a whirlwind and I cannot wait for the memories it will bring and the lyrics that will destroy me. If Taylor talks at all more explicitly about dealing with family illness or sexuality/identity or the monumental effort it takes to really love yourself, just know that it will probably end me.

ANYWAY I love you @taylorswift

Your music has been the soundtrack to so many parts of my life. I know there are countless fans out there with stories like mine, or even more powerful ones and I just want to share how much your craft and dedication to your fans means to every single one of us whether or not we meet you. In these last couple weeks before the album is released, I hope you see and hear SO MUCH positivity and no more of the drama.

Lol if anyone, if a single one of you actually reads this 1) wow thanks 2) please reblog with some of your #TS song memories or times when #Taylor Swift was there with me AND USE THE TAGS so we can share these awesome memories with each other

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 51

1. Set an alarm to get up and go to the gym

2. Get up

3. Do not go to the gym

4. Watch The Office instead

5. Decide you’ll go after you see the room you might rent

6. Go there

7. See the room

8. Meet their drug dealer who just got back from a trip to South America where he did Ayahuasca and got burned with frog venom

9. Smoke a lot of weed with your potential roommates

10. “Chill” for like 4 hours

11. Buy and eat half a whole chicken with plantains and sautéed vegetables from a restaurant nearby

12. Hang out more

13. Fall in love with the dog that lives there

14. Agree to live there even though it is very messy and has no windows because you like the people and it feels like college and New York is very isolating and you think this will be good for you overall

15. Go to a mic with one of the roommates and his girlfriend

16. You’re still very high

17. Your friend Molly is at the mic thank god

18. Talk to her

19. Be interrupted by other friends she has

20. One of them says the guy who moved out of the room you just agreed to take said it was very bad living there

21. But you don’t think it’ll bother you?

22. Worry a little

23. Go up

24. Do ok!

25. For how high you are this is a good miracle

26. Walk with Molly to a fancy grocery store, she buys a salad and ice cream, the essentials

27. Her boyfriend got an interview for a writing job!

28. Walk home with her

29. It’s rainy but nice

30. You take the train to a show one of your new roommates runs/booked you on that day because you were sitting on the couch

31. Get there very early

32. Also everyone else is late

33. Charge your phone

34. Introduce yourself to what you think is another comic but turns out to just be an audience member

35. The show is called “Permission to Fail” and you’re supposed to work on new material which you do but both your new roommates are watching and you wish you had just done the hits so they know you’re very funny

36. They have to know right?

37. It doesn’t seem to matter, they hang and talk to you afterwards

38. Look up where you’re going & you all take the train together

39. It’s fun and you like them

40. Pass by Mr. Mando’s, a grocery store/produce stand

41. Buy so much fresh fruits and vegetables and it’s only 7 dollars!!!

42. Also buy a 12 pack of Rolling Rock because you love beer and it was only 10 dollars

43. Carry it all on the train for like 40 more minutes

44. Get home

45. Cherish how clean this home is and how high the ceilings are

46. Wonder if you are making a horrible mistake

47. Wish you could call your mom and get her opinion

48. You’re also a little scared to get it but ultimately you gotta know

49. Clean out some DISGUSTING food from your refrigerator

50. Eat some good food

51. Look through a lot of your old Facebook posts

52. Have maybe a crush on one of your new roommates?

53. Think about what making out with him would be like

54. Want to masturbate because soon you’ll be losing this detachable showerhead

55. Do

56. Feel physically weak from cumming so hard

57. Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

58. Wake up

59. Masturbate again! You really don’t want to get this day started

60. Make a pros and cons list about the new apartment

61. Call your mom

62. Talk it over with her

63. She reminds you that you feel very comfortable around a lot of messy boys

64. Thrive even

65. Feel better

66. Put off going to the gym some more

67. Call your friend Rachel on the phone

68. She is great

69. It is Rihanna’s birthday!!!

70. Decide the gym isn’t happening for you today

71. Drink a beer

72. Eat some stuff

73. Get ready to cook all the fresh veggies you got yesterday

74. Instead make a list of your favorite comedians and a list of your least favorite comedians and publish them (just to Facebook, nothing fancy)

75. Watch lots and lots of The Office

76. Cry at Jim & Pam’s wedding

77. Make a big fun dish that’s so many things

78. Drink too much beer

79. Slow down

80. Request a day off from work to move

81. Wonder if you should do two?

82. Be excited about moving!!!!!!!

83. Have a really intense conversation with someone online about whether or not Amy Schumer raped someone

84. Try to think about packing since you have to do that in 7 days

85. Masturbate again

86. Be on the computer for H O U R S

87. Put on a dvd (Shooter)

88. Be shocked at how many people like David Letterman

89. Up

90. YOUR FRIEND JESSICA IS PREGNANT AND ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

91. Omg

92. So exciting!

93. People are at an age where they are keeping their babies so that’s always shocking

94. Eat a bowl of whatever it was you made last night (mushrooms, red & yellow peppers, brocolli, corn, kielbasa, potatoes)

95. Facebook and text and Instagram for a long time

96. Like too long

97. These screens feel like a trap lately

98. Ughhhh agree to work 1.5 hours later than you were scheduled even though you really don’t want to you just need the $$

99. Request another day off for packing cause you’re stressed

100. You should text the guy to ask him to measure to see if the bed will fit but you’re scared

101. Your friend Gabe asks if you want to talk on the phone

102. You do!!!!!

103. It helps a lot

104. You text about the bed and book a TaskRabbit which is stressful because he only has a truck and you’re not sure everything will fit in there

105. He texts back with the measurements!!!! Your bed will fit!!!! Thank the lords

106. Feel anxious

107. Start packing, decide you won’t go to the gym

108. Go to work

109. Have a fun day

110. Make not that much in tips

111. Make up for it in free shrimp that a private party leaves behind

112. Go out for drinks with coworkers/managers

113. It’s so fun!

114. Spend like 25 dollars

115. Go to another bar

116. Get a little tipsy

117. Find out one of your managers is going to be your new neighbor!!!! Like on the same block neighbor!!!!

118. You can carpool home when you’re both working and it won’t be that bad!!

119. Get driven home

120. Too drunk

121. Fall asleep without drinking any water

122. Remember to put the shrimp in the refrigerator though

123. Wake up feeling bad and with a surprisingly deep cut on your finger

124. You have a message from the guy who’s room you’re taking about a deposit

125. This is stressful, no one has mentioned this to you yet

126. Decide to ignore it? Message him back you’ll talk to the roommates

127. Ugh

128. You’re supposed to hang out with your friend Gaby today but you feel like shit and need to pack

129. See a piece in GQ about Brendan Fraser and really want to send it to your ex bc he loved him and talked about him a lot (lol) but practice restraint and don’t

130. You need to start packing!

131. Eat some shrimp

132. Talk to your friend Molly on the phone for an hour

133. Go through some clothes

134. Decide to get rid of a bunch

135. A woman posts in a secret group you’re in about a breakup and a million other women immediately start commenting & it makes you excited for the response to this project, and also proud at how far you’ve come because you realized you’re not in the thick of it anymore like she is

136. But you still need some stuff and this thread is great

137. Women are so great

138. Watch a video of Tiffany Haddish meeting Oprah

139. It’s….great

140. You really need to do laundry

141. It’s 5:53pm

142. Frame a piece of Beyonce wrapping paper you’ve had sitting next to the unopened frame for 3 months

143. You do your laundry at 8:30pm!!!!

144. It only took you the whole day ☺

145. Call your dad’s landline (which he referred to as an “LL”)

146. Get your grandma & him

147. Chat

148. Feel happy that you did at least one productive thing today

149. Bake a cake!

150. Put away the laundry while it’s baking

151. Eat 2 pieces of cake

152. Stay up way too fucking long

153. Wake up way too fucking early

154. Feel an emptiness where rest would be deep in your bones

155. Take the train for an hour

156. Babysit for 10 hours

157. Almost fall asleep 3 times

158. Get 2 free meals out of it

159. Travel another hour to Redhook to see your friend Iris and her brother Max who lives here but you haven’t seen since you moved and meet his baby!!!

160. The baby doesn’t really like you

161. Get ice cream and beer

162. Hang!!!

163. It’s so nice

164. See a video of their house you spent so much time in/grew up in now that it’s all renovated

165. Iris drives you home which is a blessing

166. Shower

167. MASTURBATE

168. Wash your hair

169. All things that needed to happen

170. Your friend Ariel offered to drive some stuff to your new house

171. You texted those boys about when to get a key and the security deposit, they haven’t responded yet which makes you nervous

172. Iris is going to stay with you the night before you move

173. Put on makeup

174. Go to work

175. Get a huge group of girls who unintentionally all wore white and only tip 3 dollars

176. Go shopping on your break

177. GET NEW SHOES FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

178. Also get 2 pairs of black jeans, an item of clothing you’ve always wanted but never found that fits you!!!!

179. You have a 20$ off coupon for the shoes so they are 40 instead of 60 and the jeans were half off so they are each 25 instead of 50!

180. Call your mom and tell her how happy you are

181. Have a conversation with your co-worker about how he and his girlfriend broke up this week

182. You can’t tell if he’s hitting on you or not

183. Your cousin comes in on a date!!!!!!!!

184. You haven’t seen him since you moved out of your Grandma’s apartment

185. It’s really good to see him and you do love him

186. Make 153 dollars in tips

187. Go home

188. Eat pasta, a crabcake and real cake in that order

189. Agonize over whether or not you should switch shifts with someone for tomorrow

190. One is more money but longer and you’re so tired and you need to pack

191. But moneyyy

192. You stay up until 5:00am

193. Go to your normal shift

194. Stop at a .99 cent store on the way, buy 12 tubes of glitter glue, 5 small notebooks for gifts and a magenta shade of mirror nail polish

195. You make almost no money

196. Retape a bunch of axes

197. But have fun hanging out with people

198. And listening to a Kanye Pandora station

199. That during a Drake song someone comes in and says, “I didn’t know you were so gangster”

200. …………………………………because you’re listening to a Drake song

201. Good lord

202. Leave

203. Think about waiting for one of your co-workers to walk with him but you don’t want it to look like you’re waiting because the last time you saw him you all got beers and he’s being a little distant since then so maybe you were flirty and he didn’t like it???

204. This all might just be in your head

205. But you don’t wanna risk rejection on any level

206. Go home

207. Plan on packing

208. Write a Facebook post about Mardi Gras things

209. Paint your nails with the new nail polish and try the nail gems you got for Mardi Gras and never ended up using!!!

210. First they look ugly but then when you add more they look cool!!!!

211. Watch a disturbing but interesting music video by someone named Melanie Martinez

212. Do literally nothing for probably 5 hours

213. Eat a lot

214. Drink 3 beers

215. Find a different coworkers ACTING website which is truly terrible

216. He also told you he cheated on his girlfriend more than once and that’s why they’re breaking up

217. Find her acting website

218. It’s way better and she’s so talented

219. Marvel at how mediocre guys treat incredible women like shit??????

220. Start doing SOME packing at like 2:00am

221. Find the part of Etsy dedicated to “Kanye West Prayer Candles”

222. Get lost in there for a while

223. Drink another beer

224. Listen to Jamiroquai for the first time

225. It’s not what you thought at all!!!!!!

226. Find and finish your two year gratitude journal

227. Answering questions about your life makes you feel really good because you like the path you’re on and where you’re headed

228. NEXT WEEK IS THE LAST WEEK

229. SO EXCITING

230. You’ve been telling some friends about it

231. Scared for sending it off into the world

232. What if professional people hate it?

233. Self-publishing is a sexy fun option

234. What if an editor with expensive glasses reads this one day

235. And is like, “Should we take out the part about editing? Feels too behind the curtain”

236. And you’ll say breaking the fourth wall isn’t just for kids discovering theatre in high school and The Office camera work

237. Be excited for the future

238. And moving

239. And living

240. Also you texted about getting a key and got a cheerful but vague response but you’re sure it will all work out somehow

241. No mention of the security deposit yet, hopefully that will just disappear!

242. Go back to packing

[derivatived]

stalkers that never go away

i think its safe to say that we have all had people in our lives that just DONT go away. you have told them or have done things to make them understand that they need to leave you alone. these experiences can happen with literally anyone- strangers, friends, parents, or anybody that crosses your path. most of the time these stalkers, for lack of a better word, just fade away. they get bored, find someone new, or you find a way to avoid them. i wish that was my case.

i have dealt with ending friendships or just growing apart from someone but i did not deal with ending a friendship and having that person turn into a literal stalker until 1.5-2 years ago. this stalking and harassment continues indirectly to this day. let me start from the beginning if youre still interested.

i had become friends with this girl my senior year of high school. our friendship hit off very quickly and obviously we had a great time together, through texts, snapchat, whatever. we went to different universities for two years and maintained this best friendhood throughout those years. we both were unhappy with our schools and our majors so we both decided to transfer to a new school together and become roommates as well as best friends. keep in mind, we told each other everything. we trusted each other.

when we finally moved in together to start our third year of college, i realized that things would be different. i had not realized one of the biggest reasons my friend had chose this school was more so for a guy she had been seeing casually. several months before we moved in, they became official. of course i was happy for her because she was happy. but trust me, this dude was and is a total douche. this guy had also went to our high school and was in our friend group, which is how the two met and rekindled. this guy also took women’s virginities and hung the bloody sheets on his wall and bragged about it, NOT KIDDING. if that isn’t an indicator of poor character, i don’t know what is. but that was several years ago and my friend was happy, so fuck it, whatever.

as we started living together, i realized my best friend became more interested in hanging out with her new boyfriend and his friends. i constantly felt annoyed when we all hung out because she wasnt being herself, she was being someone completely different than the friend i had for years. it was like she needed these stranger’s approval to make her boyfriend happy. if i made an inappropriate joke, which i’m known for, everyone would laugh but my “best friend” would scold me in front of everyone. over a few months, i got really bored with these people. her boyfriend and all of their friends just constantly disrespected women, including me and my friend, but she and everyone else just laughed along with it. i honestly did not appreciate the personalities of my friends boyfriend or his friends and it was lame.

aside from her new lame ass friend group, i was also dealing with my own issues. i had went through a breakup with someone i met online. when i confided in my roommate/friend, she basically shrugged me off. i mean, i was really upset about the whole thing. it took me months to get over that shit. but she shrugged me off and honestly treated me rudely because i was upset about it. it is important to remember, that even though i was annoyed with her and her choice of friends, i still confided her with this secret basically. my online relationship wasnt something i shouted from rooftops and is something i am still embarrassed of 3 years later.

but anyway, our friendship slowly faded. she was more interested in getting drunk with her boyfriend and his friends. i kind of grew out of that stage and i truly did not like the people she was hanging out with. 4 months into living with each other, winter break came and we both went home for a month. keep in mind, we had the same friend group from home. when i got home, i started making plans with everyone that was home. occasionally i invited my roommate but she said no every time except once because she was working. i stopped asking and figured since we know the same people, she can make plans when shes available. i saw her once that month. the texts and snaps we used to have also faded btw.

when we got back to school, she made it a point not to invite me anywhere with her boyfriend or their friends. when i brought it up to her she was just like yeah im not inviting you because you didnt invite me to anything over break. i was seriously like in shock. we had the same friends, she denied me so many times, and she was making this point to not invite me anywhere because of it? but i was just like alright i didnt know you felt that way. we basically dealt with the problem and moved on. but nothing changed and i would say this is where the harassment/stalking began. we eventually stopped talking sometime around march. i had also gotten a boyfriend from a different school and went to visit him a lot. but i stopped saying hi to her and i stopped initiating any contact just to see what would happen. the funny thing was that we didnt speak to each other until may because i stopped starting conversations and putting in effort. imagine not talking to your roommate for 2 months? well, the story gets worse.

but ya know, whatever. i give people chances. i knew we were both taking physics over the summer at our school so i started talking to her again. i also still wanted to be her friend, i did not decide not to be until many months later. anyway, we were both biology majors taking physics. this was a 5 week summer course that went at an advanced rate but the professor was cool and made it super easy- the homework problems were the exam. unfortunately, my friend/roommate dropped the course after the first week. she did super bad on the first exam. i tried to tutor her and i did everything i could as a friend to insist she not drop the course. i was pretty surprised by what happened next. she was just really accusatory towards me (i did very well on the exam bc i studied and love math). she claimed she couldnt take classes with me (we took one before and i did better than her) etc. but if you want the truth, she didnt study for the exam and got drunk at a bar with her boyfriend the night before, thats why she didnt do well. but i digress. she dropped the course and a week later she told me she was changing her major.

now the major change is another thing entirely. this pissed me off to no end because it was like i knew her so well. i knew she wanted a degree in biology.. she switched to pre-pa. and i tried to convince her not to but she kept insisting she could be pre-pa and still go into genetic counseling or a genetics career later (which is what she had always said she wanted to do). but basically she changed her major to pre-pa and i butted out. i am not dissing pre-pa majors. i think thats a good major.. if you want to become a pa.. but she didnt.. so it was a huge mistake.

anyway, summer ends and we actually have a new roommate moving into our apartment for the next two semesters. we had both agreed to this a year ago, ya know, when we were still friends. the guy that moved in was her boyfriends best friend. yeah. so again, this dude was a total douche as well. sexist, jokes about rape, sexual harassment, bla bla. just a complete idiot like her boyfriend. but whatever, I GIVE EVERYONE CHANCES.

he moves in and it was alright at first. but i noticed my best friend just like wanted nothing to do with me anymore, she was literally up this guys ass all fucking day now. she never had time to chill with me during the day but suddenly she has time for this dude. and this goes back to earlier when i said about her being a different person around her boyfriends friends. she just wanted to fit in so badly and have friends. me and her had also gotten into huge argument before he moved in. she had kind of ditched me on my 21st birthday and lied about it. she said she had an exam for a summer class, then ordered a pizza to our house, and left with it to go to her boyfriends place. whatever. we sorted it out kind of but i was really distant.

so at the end of september we got into another huge argument which was honestly it for me. in early september, my roommates had some people over and let someone sleep in my bed. i am still unsure of what happened or who did it, but when i came back from my boyfriends after that weekend, there was blood on my sheets and brand new white comforter. i asked them if someone was in my bed just because i was so confused and they both lied. i didnt tell them about the blood because i honestly was just afraid to know what happened in my room. i washed my sheets and shit then put two locks on both my doors. i had a backdoor that led onto the porch where mail was delivered. but ya know, if youre gonna leave blood stains on peoples shit, ya cant invite yourself into their room anymore. so the locks were on, i left the next weekend. i got a text sometime saturday from my roommate that was like “if you put locks on the doors you need to give a key to both of us” and i was like nah i dont really want people in my room. basically we went back and forth through text and her argument was that my room cant be locked bc its easy access to the porch for mail or just to hangout (no one hung out on that porch ever btw). but i was just like nah walk around. i got back sunday and locks on my doors were removed. there was damage to the windows and doors from them breaking in. 

keep in mind, i had been very nice to this girl considering all of the dumb shit shes said and done to me so far (some of those things are little details i left out but she was basically an asshole to me). unfortunately, i have a temper and when i get pissed off enough, someone is being told. i was so pissed off that she broke in with our other roommate and did something she had no right or reason to do?? why do you need access to my bedroom so badly?? i didnt really care. i went into her room and was like hey, did you go into my room this weekend? and she looked fake confused and said no. and i was like alright well all of the locks are undone and i can see you were in there so why? and she was like no one was in your room but we are allowed to have access to the porch. and i was like no you were in my room, walk around if you want on the porch you never use. and she was like well i had medicine delivered on the porch- AND basically this is when i stopped listening. i remember this conversation because i actually recorded it and made fun of her later with my friends because she tripped and stuttered on her own lies. the argument ended with me lecturing and belittling her for acting like a little kid. we didnt speak after that for a week and a half and she didnt go into my room as far as i know. 

so a week and a half later, the internet bill in my name was due. neither of my roommates paid me on time. they paid in venmo the day it was due or the day after. it honestly started to piss me off bc i was sick of having to ask for it, pay for it myself, and wait for their money to get into my bank account. i put a note on the fridge that was like “pls pay internet or dont use :)”. this was totally passive aggressive and bitchy but c’mon. it was 16 fucking dollars. just pay it on time. i was in lab for  class when i got a bitchy text from my roommate. i honestly dont remember details but it was something “dont act like i dont pay you, no one is trying to scam you, if you dont trust us then address it bla bla” bitch.. you dont pay me on time.. and i did address the issue of you breaking into my room, and i just wrote a note for you to pay the fucking bill you owe? like just pay the money and shut the fuck up? but ya know, i had enough of that shit. i responded to her and told her to pay the bill or dont use it, dont text me again or contact me anymore, i dont want to talk to you or deal with your immature bullshit. blocked. i blocked her number and on all social media. i was done. and if you remember my temper, i wanted to go home and rip into her dumbass. but i didnt.

so that was it. that was the last time i spoke to this girl that was once my best friend. but, we had a lease that wouldnt end until may so i had to stay there. and trust me, i tried to get out of my lease. but the story doesn’t end there.so the guy we lived with, i kept on ok terms with for awhile. i said hi when i saw him and he would always ask me how i was, what i was doing, etc (this is important). and you know, i would be friendly bc i didnt really care about this dude. he was just there to pay rent. one day he announced in the kitchen he was going on a run. he left, and then i heard a buzzing. he left his phone unlocked on the table with our other roommate’s (my ex bff) chat open. i glanced and noticed my name in the text and my heart stopped. i know i shouldnt have done what im about to tell you. it was a total invasion of privacy and it really hurt me to read.

i read their entire conversation as far back as the texts would go. the whole way back to august when he first moved in. EVERY SINGLE TEXT BETWEEN THE TWO WAS ABOUT ME. i cannot emphasize this enough. every single message between these two people from september to october was bitching about me, making fun of my past, making fun of me eating fucking chick fil a once per week, calling my boyfriend a nigger, calling me names, watching what i do and texting each other about it, breaking into my room more to check if i packed my bag to stay at my boyfriends, going through my shit, so much fucking shit it was so fucking crazy. i went through the texts fast and put the phone back. i honestly dont know if it was left there on purpose or not. i never talked to the guy roommate again. when he said hi i said nothing and eventually he stopped. after i read those messages i felt so many things.

i was so fucking pissed that they were talking about me like that. my ex best friend was telling my personal stories about the online dating, she even wished i killed myself. and this dude i barely knew was just going along with it and joining in. it was seriously fucking sick. it was full on stalker. both of them watched everything i fucking did. they went through my things and checked shit not even i would think mattered. it was insane. i was pissed and i honestly felt so violated and unsafe. i felt so helpless too. i couldnt tell them to stop. they wouldnt. i couldnt call the police. it was so indirect and was just texts on someones phone. i felt so horrible i didnt sleep for 2 days. 

there was no more confrontation. the indirect harassment continued into may. i moved out and thought it was over but it wasnt. we went to a relatively small school and a friend told me about this girl in her summer class and asked me if i knew her. when she told me the name of this girl my heart dropped again and instantly i said WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS. and she was just like oh shit.. i could have sworn i heard her say your name to this guy in our class and she was telling him about reporting you to the police. i seriously felt sick. i retraced in my mind quickly for anything she could be going to the police about me for? i literally hadnt talked to the girl or done a thing to her since october, thats the honest truth. and i was just like about what?? i was so eager for this girl to tell me the details it was killing me. basically she told this long story about how the girl has been coming to class every day and talking about her ex roommate. appartently this ex roommate stole her debit card and credit cards and was stealing thousands of dollars from her. on top of that, this ex roommate also sexually harassed her several times. the ex roommate was supposedly me. 

i almost laughed when my friend told me this shit. i felt so much relief because these were just stories my ex friend/roommate were making up for attention. but after a few days of thinking i was like fuck thats kind of psychotic. like thats borderline crazy to be telling people openly that someone sexually harassed you and stole your money when both of those stories are made up... like dude. i did nothing to you but ask for bill money lmao. 

i ran out of time but ill continue this shit later. if u read this fucking novel, congrats 

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 48

1. Whoops you did Monday on the end of last week

2. It’s Tuesday now!

3. Who cares

4. Wake up earlyish

5. See a text from the girl moving back into your/her room about when you’re moving out

6. It triggers some stress in you

7. You ask her if she wants the window treatments you bought

8. She doesn’t

9. This is more stress

10. Check social media

11. This turns out to be a horrible mistake because while you are casually scrolling through Instagrams, clicking away, you go to a very RANDOM and private Insta you thought only you followed, it’s a stripper in Miami who likes astrology and also designs clothes so her posts are all over the place but you love it

12. She did these memes of Horoscope Starter Packs

13. You click the Aries one bc you gotta see

14. YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND HAS COMMENTED ON IT

15. ??????????

16. HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND REPLIED TO HIS COMMENT???????

17. It’s honestly too much for you

18. Because this is a safe space

19. How did he even find it

20. Does she follow and showed it to him????

21. Were they gramming together??????

22. The thought of that bursts your heart

23. Bring 1,173 dollars in cash to a Chase bank

24. Deposit it, get checks-your roommate asked for 2 rents worth now

25. Something is wrong about the rent but you’ve decided it doesn’t matter

26. Go to the gym

27. Work out but sadly

28. Your phone freaks out and won’t respond to touch

29. You get VERY nervous

30. It fixes itself? But is probably still dying

31. Go to a beauty supply store

32. Buy a bedazzled baseball hat that says, “Boss” in fake jewels, purple mirror nail polish and nail gems—for Mardi Gras

33. Go to work

34. Eat 2 halves of leftover doughnuts

35. Still good

36. Listen in disgust while two people bond over Rick & Morty

37. Get two groups that don’t tip but are loud and boisterous and annoying

38. Get one group that does tip

39. Feel blahhhhhhhhhhh all damn DAY

40. Get annoyed at one manager who does not understand how to communicate thoughts

41. Stay an hour past when you were supposed to leave, mopping

42. Almost choke on some seasoned French fries

43. Walk to the train

44. Get a text from the guy (you were talking to a while ago then realized he was seeing someone else) asking if you’re mad at him

45. You reply no

46. But really-it’s not that you’re mad at him you just realized you were putting an unfair emphasis on his interactions with you and you don’t want to be texting him at 3:00am anymore

47. Wonder if you should tell him this

48. Wonder if you should message your ex-boyfriend and tell him it’s rude he didn’t tell you he was dating someone when he knew you would see it and have to deal

49. Drink a beer

50. Pay your roommate two months rent which is the most money you’ve ever written a check for

51. Accidentally break a plate

52. Eat the world’s worst quesadilla

53. FIND WORSE THINGS ON INSTAGRAM

54. Your ex-bf and his new gf went on a date to Applebee’s and they both uploaded matching instagrams and he captioned his “Applebae’s”

55. Which is objectively terrible and disgusting

56. You remember/realize that in the two years of dating neither of you ever posted a ‘couples’ photo, that’s just the two of you together

57. She already is saying “I love you” online and he’s “loving” (the love react on fb) the comments

58. It’s too much

59. How do you stop caring??? How do people stop that?

60. Talk with a friend on the phone a little about it

61. Laugh

62. Feel kinda better

63. A girl you met a few nights ago messaged you her fire ritual so maybe you’ll do one of those

64. To cleanse

65. Send a friend 2 dollars online for a sick button

66. Keep looking at the instagrams over and over again like visual self-flagellation

67. Wish that you had a “I’m happy and loved!” picture to post

68. Remember that he unfollowed you on Instagram anyway so it wouldn’t matter

69. Feel sad & out of control

70. Put on The Patriot

71. Decide you need to take a shower

72. Want to masturbate

73. Cum!!!!!

74. Knock over some bleach and stain the carpet whoops

75. Who leaves a jug of bleach unopened anywhere???

76. Stay up too late

77. Finally turn off The Patriot and try to sleep

78. Wake up at 10:00am

79. Wake up at 3:00pm

80. Stress about stuff more

81. Eat a doughnut and half of a steak sandwich that isn’t yours but is about to go bad and one pack of fruit snacks

82. Start trying to write an email to HR giving feedback they asked for

83. Get a call from your friend Molly!!!!!

84. It’s perfect and she’s perfect

85. Three way call your other friend Gabe!!!!!

86. This is better than Facetime!!!!!

87. Gabe, your least superficial friend in the world, tells you you are objectively prettier than your ex-boyfriend’s new gf and that she is a “step down”

88. Which, whether or not it’s true is sweet and kind thing to say and you love him for saying it and it makes you feel better

89. But still feminism though!!!!!!

90. Watch some more of The Patriot

91. Email the HR email

92. Email about an editing job you’re doing for a friend

93. Maybe connect with 2 new roommates?

94. Try to get ready to go to the gym

95. Post 2 pictures to Instagram your friend Rashida took in your sports bra

96. YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND HAS ALREADY POSTED ANOTHER INSTAGRAM THIS TIME OF HIS DOG THAT YOU MISS SO MUCH and wow Instagram is an emotional battlefield

97. But you feel fortified from talking with one of your best friends who you love

98. Look forward to the gym

99. OMG talk to your friend Charlie on the phone

100. While on the phone with him, sign up for Moviepass AND unfollow your ex-boyfriend on Instagram!!!!!!!!!

101. Two huge things

102. Feel like you have a piece of glass in your foot

103. Because you definitely do

104. Talk to your friend Molly on the phone

105. Start editing your friend Randy’s story

106. The only time you leave the house today it is to go to the gym and immediately come back home

107. Talk to your friend Jade on the phone

108. Finish Moshe Kasher’s book “Kasher in the Rye,” which was incredible

109. Take pictures of all the outfits you have for Mardi Gras, send them to her

110. Buy two items from Torrid for 62 dollars and get them shipped to her house so they’ll be there for Mardi Gras

111. Make an Instagram story starring your jeweled hat that says “BOSS”

112. Watch the first 35 min of Get Him To The Greek

113. Masturbate

114. Shower

115. Sleep

116. Wake up weirdly early for going to bed at 6:00am

117. Feeling rested and alert!!!

118. Ignore the shooting invisible pain in your foot and get dressed to go to the gym!!!

119. Eat a sandwich with cheese that only had a little bit of mold on it

120. Send two emails you’ve been meaning to-one to your old gym in New Orleans asking if you can work out while you’re there and one to a group you’re in about a room for March!

121. Get booked on a show 2 months from now by writing a semi-snarky fb comment!

122. Go to the gym

123. Get annoyed by a weird man who moved your ipod and reminds you “you can’t trust people”

124. But like, the only person you can’t trust is people who try to remind you you can’t trust people

125. Work out

126. Listen to Britney Spear’s first album

127. It has aged well

128. Go into a sneaker store on the way home because you need new sneakers and part of you wants to get rid of all remnants of things your ex-boyfriend was involved in acquiring before you go back so you seem more changed/new/different

129. Try on like 4 pairs of shoes

130. They are ok but too expensive

131. You need a DSW in this bitch

132. Go home

133. Start a new book that’s written by the guy who wrote Election and Little Children (both great movies/you didn���t know one person did both of those)

134. Come home

135. Eat 2 packs of fruit snacks because you don’t want to encounter anyone by going in the kitchen and you hear them in there

136. Look at your phone for a while

137. Your ex-bf’s new gf is truly doing the most and has posted 2 instagrams of them and made a picture of the two of them her profile picture

138. This washes off you like water because you are an evolved being

139. You have also gone through the cleansing ritual of looking through her Instagram with a few choice friends and feeling emotionally safe & superior because you have all concluded that she overdraws her eyebrows which should be a crime

140. Peek out of your apartment to find there are a lot of firefighters in the apt next door and a lot of smoke

141. Worry

142. Breathe in some smoke

143. It’s ok someone just burned some food

144. Get an email from a girl about a place for April—decide you could put your stuff in storage and stay with friends if you needed to for a month

145. Send 3 booking emails to try to get more shows around a date you’re doing in Philly

146. Feel like a real comic/consummate professional

147. Drink a whiskey ginger you made with the shittiest whiskey the world has to offer

148. Your friend Charlie is coming over!

149. Plan to take a shower in the hour it will take him to get to your apartment

150. Sit in one spot until 5 min before he’s supposed to come

151. Text him you’re hopping in

152. He says he’s at your stop

153. You turn off the shower & put clothes back on

154. Wait 20 minutes

155. He got a roast beef sandwich before coming

156. Drink with Charlie!

157. Learn about the Rohingya and the genocide they are facing in Myanmar

158. Talk about more stuff

159. Show him your ex-bf’s new gf

160. He looks her up on some journalist database

161. No arrests

162. You look yourself up

163. It finds this YouTube video from like 8 years ago you forgot you made!!!!

164. You were so pretty????!!

165. Watch many episodes of The Office while Charlie nods in and out

166. He says he’s lonely

167. You tell him he can hold you if he wants for contact

168. You secretly hope he will

169. He says it’s ok

170. Watch more of The Office

171. Take a shower at 3:00am

172. Go to sleep

173. Wake up at 12:00pm

174. Charlie didn’t set an alarm

175. He missed an important Skype call

176. Whoops

177. He leaves

178. Go to the gym

179. Go to work for a short period of time

180. Have some down time, do trick shots with other people you work with

181. Throw (successfully) two axes at a time, two axes in one hand, underhand, and backwards

182. Sweat profusely and turn really red but don’t care because the sense of strength and accomplishment you got is more than worth it

183. Have a really annoying group

184. They don’t tip

185. Buy a 6 pack of Milk Stout and tortilla chips (for the salsa you found unopened on the ground 2 months ago) on your way home

186. Home

187. Get a check for your writing that’s 380.00

188. Freak out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

189. Also get a copy of the magazine it was published in

190. It was so long ago you forgot what you wrote kind of

191. Read it

192. You’re so funny!!!!

193. Call your mom for the first time in more than a month

194. She has company but says she’ll call you back but she’s happy you called

195. Feverishly drink beers and eat chips & salsa

196. Write a fb status about how people in love never make good art

197. She calls back

198. Talk on the phone with her for 4 hours

199. Cry a lot

200. Get past it

201. Have a really good conversation

202. Process some shit

203. Find out that she and your dad are divorced now, it finalized December 1st

204. Cry cry cry

205. She tells you you’re being judgmental about your ex-boyfriend

206. “You’re not in that position anymore”

207. This is interesting and something you haven’t considered

208. Marinate

209. See an apartment listing for 525/month

210. Send out an inquiry about it

211. Your eyes hurt from being open and crying

212. Take a shower

213. Find out Venmo charged you an overdraft fee twice, try to remember to call and get one taken off

214. Try to cut the piece of glass out of your foot with dull scissors

215. It doesn’t really work

216. You’re hungry but you’re doing this not eating after midnight thing

217. Realize your gym closes so fucking early tomorrow you have to get up super early if you wanna go before work

218. Ugh

219. You still haven’t done any more work on editing your friend’s story

220. You know you’re setting a bad impression and he’ll probably never hire you again or recommend you for others

221. You just can’t make yourself focus on it for some reason

222. Feel bad about it

223. You go to New Orleans so soon

224. This 52 week project is almost over

225. What then

226. YOU GOT THE PIECE OF GLASS OUT OF YOUR FOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

227. You’re gonna be fine

228. Find a message from someone who read all the weekly entries of this book you put on a secret tumblr every week in case something happened to the Word doc

229. They said they read it all in one night after looking for things to help with their breakup and that it was very inspirational and relatable

230. You want to cry because that’s so encouraging, you have no idea if anyone will care about any of this it’s just something you needed to do and lots of people have made you feel kind of bad like you’re obsessing or thinking about it too much or prolonging hurt

231. It was nice

232. Stay awake accidentally til 4:00am

233. Get up at 8:30

234. Eat a doughnut

235. Go back to sleep for 25 minutes

236. Go to work looking like shit because you cried for 4 hours on the phone with your mom

237. Work

238. Your friend from college picked the date for her wedding!!!!!! It’s September 29th!!!!

239. Get like 100 bucks in tips

240. Be incredibly frustrated because two different managers snapped at you and one apologized but the other one was right before you left and it was so fucking annoying and you wanted to cry and hit something

241. Leave

242. Rush to the gym

243. Work out for 25 minutes

244. Your butt/back leg muscles are sore/tight today for some reason

245. Wait in line for 20 minutes at the bank to deposit a check

246. Sing softly to oldies with another man for like 10 of those minutes

247. Come home

248. Make a stir fry on the stove like a real person

249. Eat pizza crusts out of the trash, just to remind you where you came from

250. Find the song “Pretty Girl” by Clairo

251. Listen to it multiple times

252. Watch many many episodes of The Office

253. Do NO work on the story you should be editing

254. Drink 1 beer

255. Feel sooooo full

256. Eat the LAST fruit snack package! Out of 80!!!!

257. Find out that Kate Spade made a line of “bridal sneakers”

258. No no no no absolutely not

259. Make an Instagram story about how pimples are really just gifts from the Lord

260. Text your friend Gabe for a min

261. Eat some nutella

262. Want to masturbate and take a shower and also already be asleep

263. Drink water

264. Continue watching The Office & drawing

265. Find a video of a TINY little sweet angel girl covering “Creep” by Radiohead with her dad that is HEARTMELTING

266. Stay up toooo late

267. Wake up two different times from nightmares with abusive people

268. Get up for good

269. Eat a warm doughnut

270. Masturbate

271. Start getting dressed for the gym

272. Do some stuff online

273. Listen to lots of pump up songs

274. Stretch

275. Be sad you can’t go to a Superbowl party because you really need to finish editing this story today, but you also didn’t get invited to any sooooooo

276. Decide you’ll eat chips and salsa while you edit

277. Put 20$ on a Metrocard instead of getting an Unlimited because you’re going to New Orleans in 2 days!!!

278. Gym finally

279. Walk for 80 minutes while watching a HILARIOUS episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta

280. Two grown women get in a fight because one saw the other one park in a handicapped parking spot at the mall which was, “shady”

281. The other one yelled back, “I was hanging out with someone who is handicapped, bitch!”

282. They also did a mediation/séance to “clear the elephants in the room” which was…interesting

283. Text with your friend Gabe and he says some WONDERFUL things that are helpful to you

284. He says (gently) that you need to let go of your ego in all this, and it doesn’t matter what your ex-boyfriend is doing/who he is dating/if he still; has feelings for you because it doesn’t matter in your life anymore, you have moved on without him on your own and have grown so much

285. He also listens while you talk about editing your friends story and you realize why you have been putting it off—you’re worried about offending him by doing too many rewrites/how to address ADDING when editing vs. just rearranging/subtracting

286. Home

287. Get annoyed that one of your roommates & her bf is in the living room, this is the third night in a row someone has been dominating that space with their love and you wanted to write in there!

288. Eat chips & salsa and chicken nuggets in the kitchen with your computer

289. Finally start editing!!!

290. Whew it’s hard and you are tired

291. Wish you could just watch The Office and turn off your brain

292. Do the edits!!!

293. It takes a long time and you decide you won’t charge him for all of them because you made him wait so long

294. Email your rewrite with notes

295. Hope he likes it

296. Watch The Office

297. Paint your nails with this new mirror nail polish you got for Mardi Gras that isn’t what you thought but is still cool

298. It smells terrible though

299. Think about packing?

300. Decide to do it tomorrow

301. You have to work from 3:45-10 and work out at some point though

302. Look up how long it will take you to get to Newark

303. Like an hour and a half

304. Feel free from your conversation with Gabe and really feel like you have turned a corner

305. More Office

306. New Orleans so soon! ! ! !

307. !