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Stages of a Breakup: Week 52
Stages of a Breakup: Week 52
1. Eat pancakes with syrup for breakfast
2. Go to work
3. Have a shitty day
4. You’re floating which means you don’t get any groups aka tips
5. Also you have to fix a board by yourself and no one helps you
6. Stay 44 minutes after closing
7. Feel accomplished
8. Some people did help you
9. That was nice
10. Want to ask your managers if they are going out for a drink but feel weird and don’t
11. Go home
12. Stay up until 6:00am watching Ryan Gosling psychological thrillers (Murder By Numbers and Fracture)
13. Turn it off because you need to masturbate and you can’t do it to a double suicide pact
14. The sun is up
15. Sleep for what feels like minutes
16. Iris is here!!!
17. Hang
18. Walk to your new apartment to get the keys
19. Need to poop the WHOLE walk
20. Find the roommate you kind of had a mini crush on with a GIRL
21. Hang in your room with your friend Iris
22. It’s so tiny and not at all the width he described
23. It doesn’t’ matter you’re very excited
24. Watch Planet Earth for a min
25. Get bagels
26. Head towards your friend Cristiana’s apartment for dinner
27. Stop in 3 thrift stores except you are in Brooklyn so they are “vintage stores”
28. See some good art
29. Follow some people on Instagram
30. Get to Cristiana’s
31. Her mom is there
32. You haven’t seen her since you were 14
33. She’s more excited to see Iris
34. The whole evening feels like a lot
35. Still fun
36. Overeat pasta
37. Overdrink vodka
38. Iris pays for a Lyft home
39. You can’t tell if the Lyft driver is being rude
40. Home
41. Try to write this
42. Sleep is tantamount
43. Keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking you overslept
44. Iris leaves
45. Pack things
46. Take things down
47. The taskrabbit goes to the wrong location first
48. You feel a tiredness behind your eyelids that almost feels like a second consciousness
49. He comes!
50. You move everything!
51. Make a detour where he spends 89 dollars on bandanas of the flags of different countries
52. Unpack
53. Hang out
54. Eat a bagel
55. Buy some things from the dollar store
56. Take the train back to meet your friend Ariel and get the rest of your stuff
57. Eat
58. Go
59. Unpack
60. Drink 3 celebratory beers
61. Ariel leaves
62. Everyone hangs out
63. Smoke lots of weed
64. Have a little apprehension about taking a shower/using the bathroom in front of everyone
65. Bite the bullet
66. It’s not that bad
67. Night night
68. Get up
69. Go to new gym!!!!!!!
70. It’s different
71. Work out for 1.5 hours while watching episodes of Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body
72. Which you thought by concept alone would be fucking awful
73. But seems to take people who don’t believe in themselves and teach them jujitsu which is sick
74. People definitely say “Fix my body” which is gross, but overall you were ok with it shockingly
75. Home
76. Shower
77. Start cleaning the cabinets in the kitchen which is…a feat
78. Slowly go in a circle and clean the entire front room(s)
79. Your roommates get psyched about the apartment being clean and doing stuff so they start hanging art
80. Together you guys hang almost an entire wall of vintage records
81. And a mount your ledge and put a train sign on it (automated ticker that tells you how far away the trains are)
82. Stay up til really late cleaning the entire rest of the apartment
83. Come down to your room
84. Realize you still have to do your own shit
85. Start unpacking
86. Your roommate comes in and 1. Shows you that your TV can hook up to an HDMI cable 2. Many episodes of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s show Skull Crusher
87. Which is very good
88. He also goes to the deli and gets you guys bagels with cream cheese
89. You guys are laying on your bed watching
90. It’s like 7:00am
91. You want him to sleep in your bed but it’s not gonna happen
92. Go to sleep
93. It’s cold
94. Go to the gym
95. Go to work
96. Make a paultry amount of tips
97. Be annoyed and in a bad mood about it
98. Have a proposal on your range
99. They don’t tip
100. But you believe in their love and are happy for them
101. Stay up til 6:00am playing cards with your roommate
102. Have a crushhhhhhh
103. Sleep for 2 hours
104. He wakes you up to go to work
105. Work
106. Loose your voice which is terrible
107. Eat a lot of free BBQ
108. Change boards quickly almost by yourself
109. Feel good
110. Home
111. Your crush roommate has a date
112. Feel bad feelings
113. They go out
114. Hang out with your other roommate
115. Smoke weed and watch a movie and he tells you a lot about his family, some of which is really dark
116. Your other roommate comes back with his date
117. They are canoodiling and you want human touch
118. Think about him having sex
119. Stay up late
120. Set an alarm
121. It doesn’t go off
122. Apple phones are such fucking pieces of shit
123. Wake up 12 minutes before you need to leave
124. Leave in that amount of time
125. You look like shit tho
126. Run into your roommate on the way out/hear him and the girl he hooked up with laughing and talking
127. This gives you a lot of feelings that you have to process but you wish you didn’t
128. Get to work
129. See the perfect kitchen island on the way that you have no time or ability to transport
130. Find out you were supposed to be a floater
131. That enrages you
132. Do your groups
133. The last one doesn’t tip at all
134. Do trick shots
135. Pull some weird muscle in your side belly
136. Eat one chicken wing and a not fully popped bag of popcorn
137. Talk to Gabe about your roommate crush
138. He agrees you know everything and it’s a bad idea
139. But feelings
140. Home
141. Lethal Weapon
142. Pizza
143. Vegetables
144. Mute
145. The Dick Van Dyke Show
146. Bed
147. It’s 6:00am
148. This is the last day of the project
149. You don’t know what to write
150. It feels like it should be meaningful and poetic and conclusive in some way
151. But you’re still just living your life and it’s happening at normal speed
152. You do feel better
153. Because on this last day
154. You’re writing from your apartment in a new city
155. That you moved to by yourself
156. While you have a job you love
157. And cool new roommates
158. And shows lined up
159. And you’re doing it
160. And you’re happy
161. And this is your life
162. And that relationship was a part of it. It used to be a bigger part of it but now it’s a littler part of it
163. But your life is still full and big
164. And you’re proud of yourself
165. And you hope people read this
166. And feel comforted in some way
167. Because writing it was comforting
168.
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 51
1. Set an alarm to get up and go to the gym
2. Get up
3. Do not go to the gym
4. Watch The Office instead
5. Decide you’ll go after you see the room you might rent
6. Go there
7. See the room
8. Meet their drug dealer who just got back from a trip to South America where he did Ayahuasca and got burned with frog venom
9. Smoke a lot of weed with your potential roommates
10. “Chill” for like 4 hours
11. Buy and eat half a whole chicken with plantains and sautéed vegetables from a restaurant nearby
12. Hang out more
13. Fall in love with the dog that lives there
14. Agree to live there even though it is very messy and has no windows because you like the people and it feels like college and New York is very isolating and you think this will be good for you overall
15. Go to a mic with one of the roommates and his girlfriend
16. You’re still very high
17. Your friend Molly is at the mic thank god
18. Talk to her
19. Be interrupted by other friends she has
20. One of them says the guy who moved out of the room you just agreed to take said it was very bad living there
21. But you don’t think it’ll bother you?
22. Worry a little
23. Go up
24. Do ok!
25. For how high you are this is a good miracle
26. Walk with Molly to a fancy grocery store, she buys a salad and ice cream, the essentials
27. Her boyfriend got an interview for a writing job!
28. Walk home with her
29. It’s rainy but nice
30. You take the train to a show one of your new roommates runs/booked you on that day because you were sitting on the couch
31. Get there very early
32. Also everyone else is late
33. Charge your phone
34. Introduce yourself to what you think is another comic but turns out to just be an audience member
35. The show is called “Permission to Fail” and you’re supposed to work on new material which you do but both your new roommates are watching and you wish you had just done the hits so they know you’re very funny
36. They have to know right?
37. It doesn’t seem to matter, they hang and talk to you afterwards
38. Look up where you’re going & you all take the train together
39. It’s fun and you like them
40. Pass by Mr. Mando’s, a grocery store/produce stand
41. Buy so much fresh fruits and vegetables and it’s only 7 dollars!!!
42. Also buy a 12 pack of Rolling Rock because you love beer and it was only 10 dollars
43. Carry it all on the train for like 40 more minutes
44. Get home
45. Cherish how clean this home is and how high the ceilings are
46. Wonder if you are making a horrible mistake
47. Wish you could call your mom and get her opinion
48. You’re also a little scared to get it but ultimately you gotta know
49. Clean out some DISGUSTING food from your refrigerator
50. Eat some good food
51. Look through a lot of your old Facebook posts
52. Have maybe a crush on one of your new roommates?
53. Think about what making out with him would be like
54. Want to masturbate because soon you’ll be losing this detachable showerhead
55. Do
56. Feel physically weak from cumming so hard
57. Sleeeeeeeeeeeep
58. Wake up
59. Masturbate again! You really don’t want to get this day started
60. Make a pros and cons list about the new apartment
61. Call your mom
62. Talk it over with her
63. She reminds you that you feel very comfortable around a lot of messy boys
64. Thrive even
65. Feel better
66. Put off going to the gym some more
67. Call your friend Rachel on the phone
68. She is great
69. It is Rihanna’s birthday!!!
70. Decide the gym isn’t happening for you today
71. Drink a beer
72. Eat some stuff
73. Get ready to cook all the fresh veggies you got yesterday
74. Instead make a list of your favorite comedians and a list of your least favorite comedians and publish them (just to Facebook, nothing fancy)
75. Watch lots and lots of The Office
76. Cry at Jim & Pam’s wedding
77. Make a big fun dish that’s so many things
78. Drink too much beer
79. Slow down
80. Request a day off from work to move
81. Wonder if you should do two?
82. Be excited about moving!!!!!!!
83. Have a really intense conversation with someone online about whether or not Amy Schumer raped someone
84. Try to think about packing since you have to do that in 7 days
85. Masturbate again
86. Be on the computer for H O U R S
87. Put on a dvd (Shooter)
88. Be shocked at how many people like David Letterman
89. Up
90. YOUR FRIEND JESSICA IS PREGNANT AND ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
91. Omg
92. So exciting!
93. People are at an age where they are keeping their babies so that’s always shocking
94. Eat a bowl of whatever it was you made last night (mushrooms, red & yellow peppers, brocolli, corn, kielbasa, potatoes)
95. Facebook and text and Instagram for a long time
96. Like too long
97. These screens feel like a trap lately
98. Ughhhh agree to work 1.5 hours later than you were scheduled even though you really don’t want to you just need the $$
99. Request another day off for packing cause you’re stressed
100. You should text the guy to ask him to measure to see if the bed will fit but you’re scared
101. Your friend Gabe asks if you want to talk on the phone
102. You do!!!!!
103. It helps a lot
104. You text about the bed and book a TaskRabbit which is stressful because he only has a truck and you’re not sure everything will fit in there
105. He texts back with the measurements!!!! Your bed will fit!!!! Thank the lords
106. Feel anxious
107. Start packing, decide you won’t go to the gym
108. Go to work
109. Have a fun day
110. Make not that much in tips
111. Make up for it in free shrimp that a private party leaves behind
112. Go out for drinks with coworkers/managers
113. It’s so fun!
114. Spend like 25 dollars
115. Go to another bar
116. Get a little tipsy
117. Find out one of your managers is going to be your new neighbor!!!! Like on the same block neighbor!!!!
118. You can carpool home when you’re both working and it won’t be that bad!!
119. Get driven home
120. Too drunk
121. Fall asleep without drinking any water
122. Remember to put the shrimp in the refrigerator though
123. Wake up feeling bad and with a surprisingly deep cut on your finger
124. You have a message from the guy who’s room you’re taking about a deposit
125. This is stressful, no one has mentioned this to you yet
126. Decide to ignore it? Message him back you’ll talk to the roommates
127. Ugh
128. You’re supposed to hang out with your friend Gaby today but you feel like shit and need to pack
129. See a piece in GQ about Brendan Fraser and really want to send it to your ex bc he loved him and talked about him a lot (lol) but practice restraint and don’t
130. You need to start packing!
131. Eat some shrimp
132. Talk to your friend Molly on the phone for an hour
133. Go through some clothes
134. Decide to get rid of a bunch
135. A woman posts in a secret group you’re in about a breakup and a million other women immediately start commenting & it makes you excited for the response to this project, and also proud at how far you’ve come because you realized you’re not in the thick of it anymore like she is
136. But you still need some stuff and this thread is great
137. Women are so great
138. Watch a video of Tiffany Haddish meeting Oprah
139. It’s….great
140. You really need to do laundry
141. It’s 5:53pm
142. Frame a piece of Beyonce wrapping paper you’ve had sitting next to the unopened frame for 3 months
143. You do your laundry at 8:30pm!!!!
144. It only took you the whole day ☺
145. Call your dad’s landline (which he referred to as an “LL”)
146. Get your grandma & him
147. Chat
148. Feel happy that you did at least one productive thing today
149. Bake a cake!
150. Put away the laundry while it’s baking
151. Eat 2 pieces of cake
152. Stay up way too fucking long
153. Wake up way too fucking early
154. Feel an emptiness where rest would be deep in your bones
155. Take the train for an hour
156. Babysit for 10 hours
157. Almost fall asleep 3 times
158. Get 2 free meals out of it
159. Travel another hour to Redhook to see your friend Iris and her brother Max who lives here but you haven’t seen since you moved and meet his baby!!!
160. The baby doesn’t really like you
161. Get ice cream and beer
162. Hang!!!
163. It’s so nice
164. See a video of their house you spent so much time in/grew up in now that it’s all renovated
165. Iris drives you home which is a blessing
166. Shower
167. MASTURBATE
168. Wash your hair
169. All things that needed to happen
170. Your friend Ariel offered to drive some stuff to your new house
171. You texted those boys about when to get a key and the security deposit, they haven’t responded yet which makes you nervous
172. Iris is going to stay with you the night before you move
173. Put on makeup
174. Go to work
175. Get a huge group of girls who unintentionally all wore white and only tip 3 dollars
176. Go shopping on your break
177. GET NEW SHOES FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
178. Also get 2 pairs of black jeans, an item of clothing you’ve always wanted but never found that fits you!!!!
179. You have a 20$ off coupon for the shoes so they are 40 instead of 60 and the jeans were half off so they are each 25 instead of 50!
180. Call your mom and tell her how happy you are
181. Have a conversation with your co-worker about how he and his girlfriend broke up this week
182. You can’t tell if he’s hitting on you or not
183. Your cousin comes in on a date!!!!!!!!
184. You haven’t seen him since you moved out of your Grandma’s apartment
185. It’s really good to see him and you do love him
186. Make 153 dollars in tips
187. Go home
188. Eat pasta, a crabcake and real cake in that order
189. Agonize over whether or not you should switch shifts with someone for tomorrow
190. One is more money but longer and you’re so tired and you need to pack
191. But moneyyy
192. You stay up until 5:00am
193. Go to your normal shift
194. Stop at a .99 cent store on the way, buy 12 tubes of glitter glue, 5 small notebooks for gifts and a magenta shade of mirror nail polish
195. You make almost no money
196. Retape a bunch of axes
197. But have fun hanging out with people
198. And listening to a Kanye Pandora station
199. That during a Drake song someone comes in and says, “I didn’t know you were so gangster”
200. …………………………………because you’re listening to a Drake song
201. Good lord
202. Leave
203. Think about waiting for one of your co-workers to walk with him but you don’t want it to look like you’re waiting because the last time you saw him you all got beers and he’s being a little distant since then so maybe you were flirty and he didn’t like it???
204. This all might just be in your head
205. But you don’t wanna risk rejection on any level
206. Go home
207. Plan on packing
208. Write a Facebook post about Mardi Gras things
209. Paint your nails with the new nail polish and try the nail gems you got for Mardi Gras and never ended up using!!!
210. First they look ugly but then when you add more they look cool!!!!
211. Watch a disturbing but interesting music video by someone named Melanie Martinez
212. Do literally nothing for probably 5 hours
213. Eat a lot
214. Drink 3 beers
215. Find a different coworkers ACTING website which is truly terrible
216. He also told you he cheated on his girlfriend more than once and that’s why they’re breaking up
217. Find her acting website
218. It’s way better and she’s so talented
219. Marvel at how mediocre guys treat incredible women like shit??????
220. Start doing SOME packing at like 2:00am
221. Find the part of Etsy dedicated to “Kanye West Prayer Candles”
222. Get lost in there for a while
223. Drink another beer
224. Listen to Jamiroquai for the first time
225. It’s not what you thought at all!!!!!!
226. Find and finish your two year gratitude journal
227. Answering questions about your life makes you feel really good because you like the path you’re on and where you’re headed
228. NEXT WEEK IS THE LAST WEEK
229. SO EXCITING
230. You’ve been telling some friends about it
231. Scared for sending it off into the world
232. What if professional people hate it?
233. Self-publishing is a sexy fun option
234. What if an editor with expensive glasses reads this one day
235. And is like, “Should we take out the part about editing? Feels too behind the curtain”
236. And you’ll say breaking the fourth wall isn’t just for kids discovering theatre in high school and The Office camera work
237. Be excited for the future
238. And moving
239. And living
240. Also you texted about getting a key and got a cheerful but vague response but you’re sure it will all work out somehow
241. No mention of the security deposit yet, hopefully that will just disappear!
242. Go back to packing
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 50
1. Uber home from Sam’s house for 8 dollars
2. Get a gay black man named Dwayne who you bond with over Will Downing who tells you about the old Mardi Gras traditions he had growing up in the Tremé
3. It’s Lundi Gras!
4. Unpack the 2 containers of meatballs and red sauce and polenta that have leaked/exploded
5. Eat a pastry that was loose in there
6. It’s still good
7. Successfully connect to wifi on not 1 but 2 devices with no help!!!!
8. Try to make plans for today/tonight but everyone is asleep
9. Start the movie “Jack,” a 1996 Robin Williams movie also with Diane Lane where he is born 10?
10. Everyone responds to your texts at once
11. Quick take a shower/get dressed
12. Uber to Molly’s to go to Red Beans (parade)
13. She is still getting ready
14. Wait there
15. Try on a blonde wig and 2 turbans
16. These are not your looks
17. Your friend Mary-Devon meets you guys
18. Try to catch the parade
19. Catch it!
20. Wait in line for a bathroom
21. Run into some people
22. Eat some 7$ gumbo Molly gets
23. Get a free piece of chicken
24. Run into your friend Claire!!!
25. Hang out
26. Get too high
27. Think you lost Molly for an hour when really she’s only been on the phone 13 minutes
28. Go back to Kate’s house with Molly
29. She and Kate craft
30. You want to craft but none of your stuff is here
31. Make a weird headband/headpiece out of scraps they both have
32. It’s pretty bad
33. Watch 3 episodes of America’s Next Top Model and drink a lot of vodka with Triple Sec and grapefruit juice
34. You guys Uber Eats 60 dollars worth of sushi that still isn’t enough
35. Eat
36. Decide to go to this Krewe de Selena dance party at Allways Lounge
37. Rally
38. Kate and Molly get dressed
39. You stay as you are
40. Uber there
41. Go to the dance party
42. The bar is cash only
43. And the ATM is broken
44. Go to Kajun’s
45. Get drinks and money
46. Hang for a while
47. Run into a girl you have complicated feelings about
48. She touches you too aggressively which always happens
49. See this couple you met 4 years ago when he moved her down and they broke up but now they’re back together and he moved here to be with her
50. Leave
51. Run into Rachel and her bff Hallie who is visiting from Portland
52. Go back to Kajun’s because they need $ as well
53. Get a double whiskey sour
54. Hang
55. Go back
56. The performances have started
57. See a 17 year old rapper
58. You know that because all of his songs mention that he is 17 and still in school
59. He is amazing (Maja?)
60. The next performance is some amazing men twerking and one of the best dancers you have ever seen in your whole life
61. Somehow without realizing it you have moved from the back to the second row and are dancinggg
62. See your friend Mariama!!!!!!!!!!
63. You love her
64. It’s so nice to see people you know and love!
65. Leave at 2:00am
66. Take an Uber that’s TWENTY-SEVEN DOLLARS because surge pricing for Mardi gras
67. This is usually like an 11 dollar ride for context/rage
68. Your Uber driver is an adult man named Kevin who tells you he isn’t driving Uber for the money (which apparently he “doesn’t need”) but to meet a girlfriend
69. You stop talking to him but are enraged at how cavalier/misogynistic he is being, and how it clearly doesn’t even occur to him how that’s a terrifying this to say to a woman he’s alone with, driving, at night, to her fucking house
70. Angry tweet about it
71. Say nothing
72. Get home
73. Take a shower and try to wash all your makeup off, unsuccessfully
74. Sleep for 4 hours
75. MARDI GRAS!!!!!!
76. Your alarm goes off to meet Molly at Kate’s to go with her but you don’t want to do that
77. Hang out with Erica who’s awake
78. Eat meatballs & polenta
79. Talk
80. It’s so nice you haven’t gotten to hang out with her that much and it’s really nice to catch up
81. Do your makeup together
82. Drink champagne
83. A guy gets back to you about a potential room in NY for March and you arrange to get in touch when you get back after you explain that it’s Mardi Gras and you’re going to be drunk very soon
84. She has so much good glitter
85. Ride with her and Joe
86. Get a 6 pack at a corner store
87. Walk to Lafitte’s Blacksmith Shoppe (oldest running bar in the continental US)
88. Get a “purple drink” that’s deceivingly strong
89. Walk to meet people
90. See so many costumes
91. Drink
92. See Erica’s drunk friend and her kids one of whom is a sleeping baby, the other of whom is miserable and 3 today
93. Bounce back and forth between R Bar & Mimi’s areas
94. Go to Grace’s house with Molly & Sam
95. Watch some of Sam’s porn’s
96. They are good
97. Drink more
98. Eat a sandwich
99. Mardi Gras!
100. Run into more people
101. Take pictures
102. Eat king cake
103. More people
104. Use the bathroom at your friend Lindsey’s house
105. Watch and cry to the video for Ke$ha’s “Praying”
106. Whiskey
107. Walk more
108. So much bouncing around all over
109. You’re trying to avoid your ex-boyfriend and his gf because they are out together
110. Go to Granpre’s (bar) to meet people
111. Get drinks
112. Take a boomerang of some strangers pretending to take a shot
113. Walk into the Quarter again
114. Feel angry because your friends did drugs and are being by themselves and you miss them and feel outside and it’s frustrating
115. Frustrated Cry to Molly
116. Find Rachel
117. Sad Cry to her
118. Feel heard
119. Decide to go to Lost Love Lounge by yourself because comics/friends will be there even though your ex-bf might be there
120. Go
121. See people
122. Not him
123. He’s not there
124. A guy cries to you that he didn’t give you enough credit for the things you were right about when you were here and your leaving has left a hole and people “needed you”
125. Which is very nice
126. Uber back with Geoff & MD
127. Hang for a little while
128. Get the key to their house, where moving to tomorrow
129. MD gets you an Uber since your phone keeps closing out of all its’ apps which is fun and not terrible or frustrating at all
130. Shower
131. Makeup remover
132. Realize how sunburned you are from an entire day spent walking outside in the sun
133. Could be worse
134. Try to watch Jack more
135. Are too tired
136. Sleep
137. Wake up at 8:42am
138. Erica is awake!!!
139. Lie on the couch with her
140. Watch This Is the End
141. Get Chinese food
142. Think about getting vegetables, don’t
143. It’s Valentine’s Day!
144. Watch a documentary about a rich British man who murderd his girlfriend then his mom tried to cover it up for him
145. Watch Some Like It Hot
146. Wish for aloe
147. Check your ex-boyfriend’s new gf’s social media
148. Huge mistake
149. You dumb idiot
150. Block her on Instagram
151. And facebook
152. Talk to Erica
153. Realize through her wisdom you can’t do this to yourself
154. Block him on Facebook
155. Feel good and in control
156. It’s ok however long it’s taking you to process this and you shouldn’t judge yourself for
157. Have Erica get you an Uber
158. Do makeup and pack in 16 minutes
159. Get to Mary-Devon and Geoff’s house
160. Drop off your things
161. Go to Carrollton Station for the mic
162. See people
163. It’s nice
164. Your ex-bf comes
165. His gf isn’t there
166. Glad to see they’re spending their first Valentine’s Day evening apart
167. She’s probably working and they’ll have sex later
168. You can’t check anything now
169. Which is good
170. Go up pretty early
171. Buy a million drinks
172. Your tab is 36 dollars in a place where drinks are 2 dollars
173. Get a little drunk
174. Smoke some weed
175. Ignore your ex-bf & don’t say one word to him
176. Watch his set where he talks about dating a “Catholic woman”
177. It’s gross to you
178. He looks good though
179. But who cares!!!!!!!!
180. Eat 2 hot dogs at the bar
181. Leave
182. Come home with Geoff & MD
183. Eat a chicken taco
184. Put your leftovers in the refrigerator you forgot to earlier
185. Fall asleep while sitting up
186. Walk to the guest bedroom
187. Spend Valentine’s Day sleeping on the bed you had sex with your ex-boyfriend on the last night (and morning!) you were in New Orleans
188. Seems tragically & poetically right
189. It’s ok though
190. Lol it also has the sleeping bag on it that was your ex-bf’s dog bed at your old house
191. You never got to see him (the dog) and now you leave in 2 days and you probably won’t
192. He is a sweet baby angel and you hope you will see him another time
193. Wake up at 5:15am for some reason
194. Some of your eyeliner has migrated to different places
195. Stay on your phone for 2 hours
196. Go back to sleep?
197. Try to text people to go to lunch with you at The Turkey and the Wolf
198. Everyone has a job
199. Mary-Devon comes home!!!
200. She has time and wants to go to lunch with you!!!!
201. Smoke weed
202. Their slogan is “Get high and come by” so really you’re just following orders
203. Drive there
204. It’s 19 minutes away
205. You’re high
206. Order the most beautiful food of:
207. Fried bologna sandwich
208. Fried pot pie (Like a savory turnover)
209. Roasted garlic eggplant dip with dill & cucumbers & roti
210. A drink with tequila, spice & almond milk called
“Nothing Goes According to Plan”
211. Mary-Devon gets a different equally beautiful drink called “My Mom Blacks Out Better Than Yours” which is a great name
212. Wait for what felt like a million years for the food to come
213. IT COMES
214. It’s perfect
215. The fried pot pie thing is one of the best most perfect things you have ever eaten
216. Go home
217. Listen to some of Under the Blacklight, this breakup album by Rilo Kiley you listened to a lot abroad before you were ever in a relationship
218. It has a different meaning to you now!!!!!
219. You’re excited to rediscover that
220. Remember that a long time ago your ex-boyfriend tweeted how wonderful it was falling out of love and your (you thought) mutual friend sent him a link to one of these songs
221. Annoyed that even this can’t be all the way free of him
222. Oh well, it will be one day
223. Still high
224. Take some leftovers even though you could have just pushed through and ate it but then you would have been uncomfortably full and you’re proud of yourself you didn’t
225. Get home
226. Lie down and watch The Office with Fred the cat
227. Take a shower without conditioner
228. Put aloe on!
229. Watch The Office for many hours
230. Eat your fried bologna leftovers
231. Think about getting ready for this mic before the show
232. Ubering everywhere costs so much money
233. Order an Uber on your laptop because your phone is a piece of shit
234. Get there
235. Go up
236. Do well
237. Meet a comic who’s on the next show you’re on
238. Hitch a ride with him
239. Get to Sidney’s
240. Mary-Devon told you sometimes there is a man who sells pulled pork in waffle cones outside the show
241. Look for him
242. He is not there
243. Lots of people you know are there!!
244. Hang
245. Get your clothes for Mardi Gras from your friend Jade lolol
246. Do your set
247. It’s very fun
248. You miss being able to do comedy for longer than 2 minutes
249. Eat free strawberry ice cream
250. Get 25 dollars!!!
251. Convince Geoff (who’s driving you back to his house) to go to Hank’s
252. Spend TWELVE DOLLARS on fried food
253. Which doesn’t sound insane but fried fish is 2 pieces for 1.50, so it is
254. Eat some chicken strips and a corn dog with your friends
255. Go home
256. You’re drunk
257. Look at Geoff’s senior yearbook and see pictures of him and everyone’s quotes
258. Find your ex-boyfriend’s old roommate
259. Want to send the picture to your ex-boyfriend because it’s truly a hilarious gem
260. But you don’t !!!!
261. Progress bitch
262. Watch some of The Office
263. Pass out
264. Wake up like 5 different times because you can hear MD’s alarm for work
265. Go back to sleep
266. Sort of have a group text with your friends Molly & Gabe you keep falling asleep during
267. Wake up when your friend Wyshonda calls you
268. She’s near and can come get you to hang out!
269. Quick go to check in/print your boarding pass
270. Find out your flight is at 7:45pm not 9:00pm like you thought?
271. Call Rachel see if she can still take you to the airport
272. She can
273. Get dressed
274. Wyshonda comes
275. Get sushi from the grocery store
276. And so many free samples
277. Think about getting a king cake to take back, decide against it
278. Go park and eat in her car which reminds you of high school
279. She tells you all about her trip to Cuba which sounds amazing
280. Catch up in general
281. She drives you to this cool abandoned house that is covered in graffiti
282. She takes some pictures of you! (She is a photographer)
283. You look at them and don’t like your body but accept that that’s ok
284. Hang out for a while longer
285. She drops you back home
286. Think about packing
287. Think about drinking
288. Watch The Office
289. Take a shower
290. Eat cold fried fish and chicken and one meat pie
291. Finally start doing stuff
292. Ask MD if she wants the white wine you have left in a baby bottle, then drink it yourself when she asks, “Why don’t you just drink it now?”
293. Pack everything
294. MD takes you to Rachel’s
295. You guys listen to songs with the word “blood” in the title for some reason
296. Hug her and say goodbye
297. Rachel takes you to the airport
298. You guys talk for a little bit at the terminal, it’s good and you love her
299. Go to your plane
300. Look for daiquiris
301. Text your friend Laura who flies for a living if they’re anywhere near
302. They don’t sell them at this terminal
303. They do have a smoothie king though
304. Get one (Berry Punch)
305. Get two Bacardi white rum’s on the plane
306. You made your own!!!!
307. The plane is half empty so you get to go from being cramped in a middle seat to having your own whole row
308. One of the flight attendants is hot
309. Not hot enough to make you sign up for a credit card though
310. Write in your journal
311. Masturbate
312. Yes on the plane
313. No one’s there it’s fine
314. Try to sleep
315. The plane is landing
316. You land in Newark, NJ even though you live in Brooklyn, NY because it is cheaper
317. Take a bus
318. Meet a Norwegian woman and her daughter
319. Help them get where they’re going
320. She gives you a bar of Norwegian chocolate
321. You give her glass beads Mardi Gras beads
322. But then you feel terrible because you tell them to get off one stop too late ☹ ☹ but they’ll figure it out
323. But you still feel terrible
324. Take the train
325. See a woman that you can’t tell if she’s being harassed or not
326. Go up and ask her if she’s alright
327. She sort of is blank
328. Ask if she knows him and wants to talk to him
329. She says no
330. He starts yelling at you, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH A BLACK MAN TALKING TO A BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN?”
331. He is kind of slurring his words a little and it makes you uneasy
332. Your train comes
333. You both get on the train, you get in a different car than her in case he follows you
334. He does
335. He keeps yelling at you
336. You close your eyes and do your best to ignore him
337. It goes on
338. Change cars at the next stop
339. Luckily he doesn’t follow
340. Take the train forever
341. Finally get home
342. You have three exciting pieces of mail
343. A save the date for a wedding you’re not sure you’ll go to that’s in a literal castle
344. A nice note from your mom
345. Your moviepass card!!!!!
346. Check to see when you have work tomorrow
347. Not til 3:00pm baby!!!!!
348. Feel good in this place
349. And happy to be here
350. Know for the first time that this is your home now
351. Check your messages
352. Your friend Wyshonda sent you three pictures!
353. They are phenom & you love them
354. Decide to post tomorrow
355. Wake up an hour before your alarm
356. Think about sleeping more or doing something productive
357. Waste the hour scrolling through your phone
358. Post the pictures Wyshonda took
359. Message 2 people about seeing rooms for March
360. Eat some old vegetables, chocolate & granola for breakfast
361. Waste time
362. Wait for a train for 20 minutes because you had to buy a new Metrocard
363. Only get to work out for 30 minutes
364. It’s a good 30 min though
365. Work
366. You’re a “floater”
367. Which kind of sucks
368. But there’s free pizza
369. Have 2 pieces
370. Make 93 dollars
371. Solve a problem
372. NEW free pizza!
373. Have 3 pieces
374. Walk home in SLUSH because it SNOWED
375. Yesterday you were wearing a sundress in New Orleans and now you’re mad you don’t have snowboots
376. Feel the most tired
377. Home
378. Facebook
379. Not enough sleep
380. Wake up to go to the gym
381. Stop in a Modell’s Sporting Goods to see if they have sneakers because you DESPERATELY need some new ones
382. They have a smallish selection and you don’t really love any of them
383. Convince yourself to get cool thin sneakers because you are momentarily swayed by the world
384. Spend 59.84 bc you signed up for a rewards card to get 10% off
385. Go to the gym
386. Work out in them
387. THEY FEEL TERRIBLE AND YOUR FEET STILL HURT MAYBE MORE THAN BEFORE AND YOU HATE THEM YOU JUST WANT CHUNKY LAME SEARS SNEAKERS BUT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIND SUBURBAN STORES IN NEW YORK
388. Text your friends Molly and Gabe
389. They say return them
390. Look up DSW, see that there’s one very close to you
391. Go back to the store not even an hour later
392. Return them
393. The salespeople are kind
394. Train to work
395. There was a fire on the track so there are delayssssssss
396. Wait for so long and get stressed about being late to work
397. Read more of your book “Bad Haircut” by Tom Perrotta
398. It’s good writing but the perspective isn’t something you can all the way latch onto
399. You’re late to work
400. You have many groups
401. Lose your voice very badly
402. Drink 3-4 cups of Sleepytime tea at work because it’s the only kind of tea they have left
403. Make 208 dollars in tips!!!!!!
404. Bond with your coworkers, they are mostly really cool
405. Think about making out with one of them
406. Home
407. Watch Eddie Izzard’s Dress to Kill special that you first watched at a friend’s house when you were in 5th grade
408. It’s SO good
409. He is a genius and so funny and this special is ridiculously good
410. Eat 2 pieces of Papa John’s pizza and an entire sleeve (except for like 6) of Club crackers
411. Watch Fergie sing the Jazz National Anthem at the NBA All Stars game
412. It’s breathtakingly terrible in a way only art can be
413. Floss
414. You’re seeing a room tomorrow that you really hope works out!!!!
415. And you hope you have your voice back by then otherwise it’ll be weird!!!
416. Drink water
417. Try to sleep
418. Eventually succeed
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Conversation
Stages of a Breakup: Week 49
1. Wake up in a weird stupor
2. Have bites of fried rice, curried chick peas, leftover Chinese, & a Sweet n’ Salty granola bar for breakfast
3. Start to get dressed for the gym
4. Remember you need to try to get these overdraft charges fixed
5. Call Venmo
6. They tell you to call your bank
7. Call your bank
8. THEY REFUND BOTH CHARGES
9. 64 DOLLARS TOTAL
10. LOCAL BANKS/CREDIT UNIONS ARE THE SHIT
11. Also send Randy an email back about the story and quoting price
12. He pays!
13. Gym
14. Have to end 10 min early to get to work
15. Both managers you don’t like are working
16. It’s ugh
17. Have great groups
18. Get 69$ in tips
19. Lol
20. Go home
21. You have a package from your dad that’s a DVD of his family’s old home movies and a picture of you when you were 13 (maybe?) and a sweet postcard
22. Call him and leave a message about how much you appreciate it/how nice it was to come home to
23. Immediately start drinking
24. Eat food including a gross amount of Nutella
25. Watch many many The Offices
26. Make an Instagram story about how you got drunk instead of packing for New Orleans but how that’s honestly more in the spirit of Mardi Gras
27. Stay up too late
28. Ethan texts you
29. You text back and forth for a while
30. It feels not good to you
31. Verging on too much
32. Stop responding
33. Start packing
34. It’s very hard
35. Packing for 10 days including normal clothes and costumes and also for potential rain is hard
36. Trying to fit it all in one bag because your return flight is on Spirit Airlines and they’re literally the devil is even harder
37. Also wrestle emotionally with the idea of seeing your ex-boyfriend in all these clothes
38. It’s very ugh
39. Drink some more
40. Stay up til 8:00am
41. Whoops
42. Sleep until 1:00pm
43. Finish packing while watching The Office
44. Your friend asked you to be on the writer’s room for her show???
45. Email back saying you’re interested???
46. Maybe that will be a thing????
47. Leave your house at 5:30pm
48. Feel VERY anxious and scared and scared and anxious for your journey and trip as a whole but especially the parts of getting to Newark you haven’t done before
49. Go into the new World Trade Center for the first time (connect to New Jersey PATH trains there)
50. It’s BREATHTAKING
51. It’s all white/gleaming/bustling
52. In the center is a HUGE towering sculpture/art installation/piece that’s clothes and has plaques about how many clothes are wasted each year by millennials
53. Ride the PATH train
54. Buy a ticket for another train after a kind Indian man helps you and you reject it after a while but then really he was right and you do what he said
55. Feel very scared you’re on the wrong train though because you’re outside of your Google maps comfort zone
56. Get to the airport
57. Get to the right terminal
58. Walk through the food court because you’re worried about time but then have like an hour and no good food options
59. Stare at a Ben & Jerry’s cart and wonder if you just want an ice cream cone for dinner
60. Call your mom
61. Talk to her for 49 minutes
62. Show her the song Pretty Girl
63. You cry while she’s listening to it
64. Talk through some trip anxiety with her
65. Also your friend Sarah who texted
66. Board
67. None of the in flight movies are good-if only you were going North or West bound!!
68. Find Chopped instead
69. THEY’RE DOING A MARDI GRAS THEMED ONE
70. ALL THE CHEFS ARE FROM NEW ORLEANS
71. YOU KNOW SOME OF THE RESTAURANTS
72. It fills you with happiness and joy to watch and feels serendipitous
73. THE EPISODE AFTER IS STILL MARDI GRAS AND HAS CHEFS FROM NEW ORLEANS
74. ONE OF THEM IS THE CHEF FROM THE RESTAURANT YOU WORKED AT FOR YOUR FIRST JOB IN NEW ORLEANS
75. HIS NAME IS CODY AND HE WAS VERY HOT AND MEAN SOMETIMES
76. YOU’RE FREAKING OUT
77. HE GETS TO THE FINAL ROUND AND LOSES TO A BLACK WOMAN NAMED MISS LINDA AS HE SHOULD
78. It’s insane and feels like an amazing omen/start for(to?) this trip
79. You can feel yourself getting sick ☹
80. You can’t rest and drink tea/do anything nourishing because you’re literally just going to be in the airport for the next 10 hours
81. You’re flying JetBlue so you get a million snacks
82. Including some Buffalo popped corn they have leftover from the Superbowl which is fantastic
83. Get into Ft. Lauderdale
84. They have free wifi thank the lords
85. Buckle in and get ready to watch The Office until your flight at 7:38am tomorrow!
86. People keep shining the floors for some reason and it’s so loud
87. You would kill someone for food that has a temperature
88. Keep trying to drink water as if that keeps away sickness
89. Get kicked out of the terminal because it apparently closes for ONE hour before opening up for morning flights
90. Lay down by a baggage conveyor belt
91. Daydream of going to sleep
92. Don’t trust being unconscious in public enough at all to do that
93. Try to remember what comfort and rest feels like
94. Use a sock as a handkerchief because you can’t keep taking all your luggage to the bathroom to get tissues
95. Feel drained and empty
96. Know that you won’t even be able to really sleep on the plane because it’s only like an hour flight
97. Maybe it’s more because of the time difference?
98. But you don’t want to miss the snacks?
99. It’s a bridge you’ll cross when you come to it
100. Something goes wrong with the internet & it stops working
101. If ever there was a time for Jesus to take the wheel-it would be at 4:42am at this airport in Fort Lauderdale, FL.
102. You keep sort of orgasming because whenever you hold your pee for long periods of time your bladder presses against your G spot
103. Wish you could masturbate
104. It makes you wonder if you’re going to hook up with anyone in New Orleans
105. Put some Vitamin E on the burn on your hand that’s been there for 4 days since you burned it putting chicken nuggets in the toaster oven & didn’t really do anything to take care of it
106. You probably won’t
107. Desirable women probably treat the burns on their hands with alacrity
108. You been thinking about what the ideal scenario is with your ex-boyfriend, what you wish would happen
109. You can’t decide if you would hook up with him if he wanted to because he has a girlfriend and you promised your friend Gena 7 years ago you would never cheat with someone because someone really fucked her up even though at the time you had no concept of love or that kind of hurt, but it was a very intense promise
110. Also you don’t want to do something that makes you a bad person/hurts someone unfairly
111. Also he probably doesn’t want to and won’t be attracted to you anymore
112. This seems to be the whole crux of it
113. You really want him to be
114. And to regret everything and to miss you
115. The likelihood of this is slim to none, and the likelihood of him expressing this to you even if it was the case is so close to zero it’s barely existing at all
116. It’s hard to not value your worth by whether or not you are desirable to one person when that was how you framed your desirability for two years
117. Which honestly is probably a part of the problem
118. Try to imagine what sexually validating yourself feels like
119. Decide to go back through airport security and wait by the terminal
120. It’s unreal how many people are upstairs
121. Wait in the security line too long
122. Get swabbed for chemicals
123. Get in
124. Get picked up then get breakfast with your friend Grace
125. You’re starting to get sick but there’s really nothing you can do about it
126. Get boudin with grits and scrambled eggs and a biscuit and also chicken noodle soup
127. Also have 2 different kinds of soup for lunch
128. You’re trying
129. Catch up!!!!
130. Go back to her house and sleep for 2 hours
131. Go to a beauty supply store on Elysian Fields
132. A transformer blows and the power goes out for a minute???
133. Get really good glitter
134. And an eyeliner you feel meh about
135. Go meet Molly at the house she’s staying at
136. Drink a little
137. Turn down an edible
138. Watch the first episode of ANTM
139. It’s NUTS
140. Decide not to go to the parade
141. Go to Carrollton Station
142. See people!!!!!
143. See your ex-boyfriend
144. It’s good!!!!
145. You guys talk
146. You do a set where you mention the break up a little
147. Talk to him for a while
148. He buys you a beer
149. It feels good
150. You don’t want to be with him and it’s nice to connect and you feel happy for him
151. He leaves without saying goodbye
152. You have your first piece of king cake this season!!!!!!
153. Buy a round of drinks
154. Talk to people you love
155. Get driven home by your friends Geoff and Mary-Devon
156. Be a little cold
157. And happy
158. Sleep?/The office with headphones
159. Up up up
160. Go to Pizza Delicious
161. Get a balanced meal & rum punch
162. Meet a puppy named Boudin
163. See someone feed him one meatball
164. Feel overwhelmingly happy
165. Go to Goodwill
166. Buy fabric to braid and one leotard
167. Craft for a while at Grace’s house
168. Rachel comes over!!!!!!!
169. Grace’s drug dealer comes over
170. She starts taking out the most weed you’ve ever seen in one place
171. Truly it’s nuts
172. Do errand things
173. Shower
174. Change
175. Makeup
176. Feel good & bad about your body
177. Store
178. Alcohol
179. Try to coordinate and make plans but it’s very hard
180. Try to write this while you’re on mushrooms, realize you’re just gonna have to revisit later
181. But a note before that: It’s weird and amazing to be back here but it can also be sad and when you were talking to your ex-boyfriend & you asked him if he minded about the joke or something like that and he said, “It’s been a year” like very dismissively, and it was sad because a. you really had to work hard not to be like “Actually it’s been 48 weeks” and sound like a PSYCHOPATH and b. it’s SO CLEAR how much he’s moved on and DOESN”T CARE/isn’t affected by it at all but you have to remind yourself that emotionally he checked out of the relationship 6 months before it was over and you didn’t know that/were still in it. Also you’re living through the discomfort of being alone while he went immediately for the ease of new love so. But your mom told you you were being judgmental and maybe that’s true too
182. You probably shouldn’t do drugs anymore while you’re here
183. But like, has it ever been cold outside then you get into a warm bed and the person you love is in there already asleep but then they wake up for a second and pull you into them and sleep into you? How do people ever get over losing that?
184. Go to the new grocery store on Saint Claude, get beer and whiskey
185. Pick up Rachel and Harrison and Rachel’s co-worker
186. Spend lots of time in stressful traffic getting to the parade then trying to find a parking spot
187. Finally get one that’s pretty close
188. Muses!
189. Feel kind of removed probably because you’re standing in the back
190. Eat some pimento cheese
191. Get more into it
192. Eat some mushrooms
193. Run into some people
194. In the light of day you wake up & feel terrible
195. Emotionally & physically
196. Drugs are terrible and you shouldn’t do them anymore here
197. You probably still will
198. Also it feels like maybe you’re not over your ex-boyfriend just yet and it sucks that he has a girlfriend but you have to suck it up and not tell anyone because he’s moved on and so has everyone else and you think they think it’s pathetic
199. Feel pathetic
200. When The Office character you identify with the most is Kelly Kapoor, it’s a dark day
201. Also you have a day off where Grace had to go to work and everyone has work and you feel lonely and like no one cares about you
202. It’s rough
203. It’s also very difficult to be without any kind of transportation and you hate that
204. You also don’t have makeup remover which is an ISSUE
205. Someone texts you to hang out
206. You used to be close with them but haven’t hung out in a long time
207. Agree to see them in a few hours
208. Braid fabric/take a shower/eat pizza/drink beer
209. Get dressed
210. It takes a long time
211. Your ex-boyfriend will be at the show you’re on tonight
212. It’s hard to pick out an outfit that will make someone regret leaving you
213. You finally decide on one
214. It’s shiny and has a lot of mesh again
215. Makeup
216. Walk to the show
217. It starts raining a little
218. Headline the show
219. Do well
220. Make 5 dollars
221. Everyone goes out after
222. Hang
223. It’s alright
224. Your ex-boyfriend is very aggressively not in love with you anymore
225. He drives you home because you’re walking and he offers because he is sweet and kind
226. It makes you sad
227. He has this whole other life now that’s moved on without you with all these people you love
228. You don’t belong here anymore
229. You do in some ways and you love everyone but there’s not a place for you here
230. All you wanted to do was makeout with him
231. He did say you can see his dog tomorrow
232. They’re having a party at his house for Endymion (parade)
233. Look foreward to that but also be sad
234. He also said at one point there’s no reason why he wouldn’t be happy to see you
235. Which is good but also
236. You wish he was a LITTLE tortured
237. You’re so tortured by this whole thing
238. Girl
239. This sucks
240. All you want is for him to cheat on his girlfriend with you
241. You don’t care if that makes you a bad person fuck everyone
242. In time this will go away
243. You tell yourself
244. In a year it won’t be bad
245. But you thought that when you broke up and here you are
246. Actually, you didn’t, everyone else did
247. But you knew yourself
248. Things are sad
249. Also your friend Mary-Devon hasn’t texted you to hang out or made any effort to make plans/see you and it makes you sad
250. But she asked you if you wanted to be her bridesmaid so she has to love you right?
251. It’s sad out here
252. At least you didn’t do mushrooms
253. Get up
254. Have a cinnamon raison bagel with melted butter AND a sour beer AND then 45 minutes later, 2 fried eggs with hot sauce, bacon & toast
255. Finish your braided rope harness craft project costume thing for Mardi Gras day
256. It’s so cool!
257. Post an instagram of it with a good caption
258. Get dressed
259. Decide to walk with Grace to your friend Sam’s house then plan on going straight to your ex-boyfriend’s house for 1:00pm
260. Have a change of heart and realize you don’t want to be there all day
261. Agree to meet up with Molly and Kate at their house
262. Walk to Sam’s
263. Go in
264. Put on makeup and glitter
265. Have so much fun with them
266. Decide to go wherever they’re going/that it would be wrong to leave them
267. Sam worked on a movie that was a coming of age story set in 2003 so he had an amazing “Summer ‘03” playlist that he puts on a portable speaker you walk to
268. Go to Canseco’s
269. Get a 12 pack for 11 dollars
270. You miss this city
271. Go to a chicken wing party
272. Drink vanilla whiskey
273. Meet a girl with a cool button collection
274. Drink 2 beers
275. Leave because the chicken wings are still raw and you have to cross the parade route still
276. Walk to a second party
277. It starts raining
278. Get there just in time!
279. Have the best gumbo you’ve ever had in your entire life
280. And strawberry cream cheese king cake
281. And hummus and vegetables
282. And ranch and vegetables
283. And pad thai
284. And chips
285. Drink on the porch
286. Meet so many people
287. Drink whiskey
288. Sam takes your picture on film so you can’t see it yet but it feels exciting
289. Walk to the parade
290. Catch big beads!!!!!!
291. And some other things
292. Walk back
293. Go to the bathroom
294. Have crawfish pasta that’s perfect
295. Think that you lost your phone
296. Forget that you have it to Molly to hold
297. Drink probably 3 more beers
298. Try to meet up with other comics
299. Go to a bar instead
300. Free finger sandwiches and a questionable dip
301. Drink 2 “Gingeritas”
302. Some of the comics come there
303. Hang out
304. Lyft back with 2 girls you just met who are friends of friends
305. Get to your friend Grace’s house
306. Feel pretty ok about the night
307. Nothing like the last 2
308. Wake up!!!!
309. Another fresh morn
310. You’re switching houses today
311. Grace agrees to drive you
312. Because she is an angel
313. Walk to your friend Sam’s where her car is
314. Stop in and say hi for a sec
315. Get the car
316. Go back to her house, get the luggage
317. Go to Erica and Joe’s house!
318. Erica is hot glueing butterflies to a sheath of pink tulle, as you must
319. They take you out to lunch at Mopho
320. You get great fu (phu?) and spring rolls and brussels sprouts and a beer
321. Talk about comedy shit
322. Go home
323. Put on a pink cape real quick
324. Get dropped (they are also angels) outside the Sandpiper Lounge where Box of Wine (a walking parade) leaves from
325. Run into your breakup buddy Nora who gives you lots of glitter
326. Ask how she’s doing
327. She seems really good
328. Wish that your ex-boyfriend could just rejoin your rugby league and force you to deal with these issues head on
329. Wait around for about an hour
330. Stand next to a Shania Twain krewe
331. Hear so much Shania Twain
332. Damn you feel like a woman!!!!!!!
333. Run into more people
334. Walk
335. Do the whole parade with Molly
336. It’s SO FUN
337. Get a free hot dog from a Confederacy of Dunces/Russian satire float????
338. Eat cheetos out of a goldfish bowl on a girl’s headpiece
339. Dance dance dance
340. Run into more people
341. Meet up with your friend Sam and his friend Natalie
342. Go to an afterparty you originally needed a wristband for but now don’t
343. Go to the bathroom and charge your phone and eat food (REALLY GOOD corn bisque & a mini muffaletta)
344. Take an Uber with Molly to Stallings playground (right by your old house!!!) for Eris (a walking parade that usually is at sunrise but is at night this year)
345. Watch a weird fire/singing thing that Molly whispered, “Would have been really powerful if they were good” lololol
346. See soooooo many cool costumes
347. Feel conflicted/problematic about walking through historically black neighborhoods at night with a bunch of white people setting off fireworks
348. Stop to get some beer
349. Cross under the bridge
350. Lose Molly
351. Go to a bar with Sam to use the bathroom
352. Go to a different bar with Sam to get drinks
353. Meet a British guy looking for coke
354. Sam tells you he’s started doing porn
355. Find Molly
356. Rejoin the parade
357. End in Jackson Square (? Near Pirate’s Alley where all the fortune tellers go)
358. People are dancing and climbing fences to dance on top of them and a band is playing
359. Sam is showing you & Molly porn gifs of him
360. There seems to be sexual tension between the two of them
361. It’s exciting and fun
362. Lose Molly again?
363. Go to Verti Marte to get food and one more beer with Sam and Natalie
364. Get a free whole bear claw
365. Oh also you’ve had two wrapped to go boxes of meatballs in your backpack this whole time
366. Go to a party at “The Pearl” which is a weird free space that seems to be set up for people who are tripping
367. You’re stressed because your phone is dying and you can’t find an outlet in this whole house because everything is aaz spaceship or something (they do have one of the original rides from when the World’s Fair was in New Orleans in the backyard that people are sitting/drinking in and singing the same 2 lines of a rap song to over and over because they don’t know the rest)
368. Eat a lot of saltines in green & red salsa because you forgot you have 2 full meals in your backpack
369. Go home with Sam and Natalie
370. Plan to uber back from there bc it’s closer to where you’re going
371. Stay there instead
372. Sam has 7 houseguests (in his shotgun) so the three of you sleep in his queen bed
373. He spoons you in the middle of the night & it’s nice
374. Sleep in a D.A.R.E tshirt
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 48
1. Whoops you did Monday on the end of last week
2. It’s Tuesday now!
3. Who cares
4. Wake up earlyish
5. See a text from the girl moving back into your/her room about when you’re moving out
6. It triggers some stress in you
7. You ask her if she wants the window treatments you bought
8. She doesn’t
9. This is more stress
10. Check social media
11. This turns out to be a horrible mistake because while you are casually scrolling through Instagrams, clicking away, you go to a very RANDOM and private Insta you thought only you followed, it’s a stripper in Miami who likes astrology and also designs clothes so her posts are all over the place but you love it
12. She did these memes of Horoscope Starter Packs
13. You click the Aries one bc you gotta see
14. YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND HAS COMMENTED ON IT
15. ??????????
16. HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND REPLIED TO HIS COMMENT???????
17. It’s honestly too much for you
18. Because this is a safe space
19. How did he even find it
20. Does she follow and showed it to him????
21. Were they gramming together??????
22. The thought of that bursts your heart
23. Bring 1,173 dollars in cash to a Chase bank
24. Deposit it, get checks-your roommate asked for 2 rents worth now
25. Something is wrong about the rent but you’ve decided it doesn’t matter
26. Go to the gym
27. Work out but sadly
28. Your phone freaks out and won’t respond to touch
29. You get VERY nervous
30. It fixes itself? But is probably still dying
31. Go to a beauty supply store
32. Buy a bedazzled baseball hat that says, “Boss” in fake jewels, purple mirror nail polish and nail gems—for Mardi Gras
33. Go to work
34. Eat 2 halves of leftover doughnuts
35. Still good
36. Listen in disgust while two people bond over Rick & Morty
37. Get two groups that don’t tip but are loud and boisterous and annoying
38. Get one group that does tip
39. Feel blahhhhhhhhhhh all damn DAY
40. Get annoyed at one manager who does not understand how to communicate thoughts
41. Stay an hour past when you were supposed to leave, mopping
42. Almost choke on some seasoned French fries
43. Walk to the train
44. Get a text from the guy (you were talking to a while ago then realized he was seeing someone else) asking if you’re mad at him
45. You reply no
46. But really-it’s not that you’re mad at him you just realized you were putting an unfair emphasis on his interactions with you and you don’t want to be texting him at 3:00am anymore
47. Wonder if you should tell him this
48. Wonder if you should message your ex-boyfriend and tell him it’s rude he didn’t tell you he was dating someone when he knew you would see it and have to deal
49. Drink a beer
50. Pay your roommate two months rent which is the most money you’ve ever written a check for
51. Accidentally break a plate
52. Eat the world’s worst quesadilla
53. FIND WORSE THINGS ON INSTAGRAM
54. Your ex-bf and his new gf went on a date to Applebee’s and they both uploaded matching instagrams and he captioned his “Applebae’s”
55. Which is objectively terrible and disgusting
56. You remember/realize that in the two years of dating neither of you ever posted a ‘couples’ photo, that’s just the two of you together
57. She already is saying “I love you” online and he’s “loving” (the love react on fb) the comments
58. It’s too much
59. How do you stop caring??? How do people stop that?
60. Talk with a friend on the phone a little about it
61. Laugh
62. Feel kinda better
63. A girl you met a few nights ago messaged you her fire ritual so maybe you’ll do one of those
64. To cleanse
65. Send a friend 2 dollars online for a sick button
66. Keep looking at the instagrams over and over again like visual self-flagellation
67. Wish that you had a “I’m happy and loved!” picture to post
68. Remember that he unfollowed you on Instagram anyway so it wouldn’t matter
69. Feel sad & out of control
70. Put on The Patriot
71. Decide you need to take a shower
72. Want to masturbate
73. Cum!!!!!
74. Knock over some bleach and stain the carpet whoops
75. Who leaves a jug of bleach unopened anywhere???
76. Stay up too late
77. Finally turn off The Patriot and try to sleep
78. Wake up at 10:00am
79. Wake up at 3:00pm
80. Stress about stuff more
81. Eat a doughnut and half of a steak sandwich that isn’t yours but is about to go bad and one pack of fruit snacks
82. Start trying to write an email to HR giving feedback they asked for
83. Get a call from your friend Molly!!!!!
84. It’s perfect and she’s perfect
85. Three way call your other friend Gabe!!!!!
86. This is better than Facetime!!!!!
87. Gabe, your least superficial friend in the world, tells you you are objectively prettier than your ex-boyfriend’s new gf and that she is a “step down”
88. Which, whether or not it’s true is sweet and kind thing to say and you love him for saying it and it makes you feel better
89. But still feminism though!!!!!!
90. Watch some more of The Patriot
91. Email the HR email
92. Email about an editing job you’re doing for a friend
93. Maybe connect with 2 new roommates?
94. Try to get ready to go to the gym
95. Post 2 pictures to Instagram your friend Rashida took in your sports bra
96. YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND HAS ALREADY POSTED ANOTHER INSTAGRAM THIS TIME OF HIS DOG THAT YOU MISS SO MUCH and wow Instagram is an emotional battlefield
97. But you feel fortified from talking with one of your best friends who you love
98. Look forward to the gym
99. OMG talk to your friend Charlie on the phone
100. While on the phone with him, sign up for Moviepass AND unfollow your ex-boyfriend on Instagram!!!!!!!!!
101. Two huge things
102. Feel like you have a piece of glass in your foot
103. Because you definitely do
104. Talk to your friend Molly on the phone
105. Start editing your friend Randy’s story
106. The only time you leave the house today it is to go to the gym and immediately come back home
107. Talk to your friend Jade on the phone
108. Finish Moshe Kasher’s book “Kasher in the Rye,” which was incredible
109. Take pictures of all the outfits you have for Mardi Gras, send them to her
110. Buy two items from Torrid for 62 dollars and get them shipped to her house so they’ll be there for Mardi Gras
111. Make an Instagram story starring your jeweled hat that says “BOSS”
112. Watch the first 35 min of Get Him To The Greek
113. Masturbate
114. Shower
115. Sleep
116. Wake up weirdly early for going to bed at 6:00am
117. Feeling rested and alert!!!
118. Ignore the shooting invisible pain in your foot and get dressed to go to the gym!!!
119. Eat a sandwich with cheese that only had a little bit of mold on it
120. Send two emails you’ve been meaning to-one to your old gym in New Orleans asking if you can work out while you’re there and one to a group you’re in about a room for March!
121. Get booked on a show 2 months from now by writing a semi-snarky fb comment!
122. Go to the gym
123. Get annoyed by a weird man who moved your ipod and reminds you “you can’t trust people”
124. But like, the only person you can’t trust is people who try to remind you you can’t trust people
125. Work out
126. Listen to Britney Spear’s first album
127. It has aged well
128. Go into a sneaker store on the way home because you need new sneakers and part of you wants to get rid of all remnants of things your ex-boyfriend was involved in acquiring before you go back so you seem more changed/new/different
129. Try on like 4 pairs of shoes
130. They are ok but too expensive
131. You need a DSW in this bitch
132. Go home
133. Start a new book that’s written by the guy who wrote Election and Little Children (both great movies/you didn’t know one person did both of those)
134. Come home
135. Eat 2 packs of fruit snacks because you don’t want to encounter anyone by going in the kitchen and you hear them in there
136. Look at your phone for a while
137. Your ex-bf’s new gf is truly doing the most and has posted 2 instagrams of them and made a picture of the two of them her profile picture
138. This washes off you like water because you are an evolved being
139. You have also gone through the cleansing ritual of looking through her Instagram with a few choice friends and feeling emotionally safe & superior because you have all concluded that she overdraws her eyebrows which should be a crime
140. Peek out of your apartment to find there are a lot of firefighters in the apt next door and a lot of smoke
141. Worry
142. Breathe in some smoke
143. It’s ok someone just burned some food
144. Get an email from a girl about a place for April—decide you could put your stuff in storage and stay with friends if you needed to for a month
145. Send 3 booking emails to try to get more shows around a date you’re doing in Philly
146. Feel like a real comic/consummate professional
147. Drink a whiskey ginger you made with the shittiest whiskey the world has to offer
148. Your friend Charlie is coming over!
149. Plan to take a shower in the hour it will take him to get to your apartment
150. Sit in one spot until 5 min before he’s supposed to come
151. Text him you’re hopping in
152. He says he’s at your stop
153. You turn off the shower & put clothes back on
154. Wait 20 minutes
155. He got a roast beef sandwich before coming
156. Drink with Charlie!
157. Learn about the Rohingya and the genocide they are facing in Myanmar
158. Talk about more stuff
159. Show him your ex-bf’s new gf
160. He looks her up on some journalist database
161. No arrests
162. You look yourself up
163. It finds this YouTube video from like 8 years ago you forgot you made!!!!
164. You were so pretty????!!
165. Watch many episodes of The Office while Charlie nods in and out
166. He says he’s lonely
167. You tell him he can hold you if he wants for contact
168. You secretly hope he will
169. He says it’s ok
170. Watch more of The Office
171. Take a shower at 3:00am
172. Go to sleep
173. Wake up at 12:00pm
174. Charlie didn’t set an alarm
175. He missed an important Skype call
176. Whoops
177. He leaves
178. Go to the gym
179. Go to work for a short period of time
180. Have some down time, do trick shots with other people you work with
181. Throw (successfully) two axes at a time, two axes in one hand, underhand, and backwards
182. Sweat profusely and turn really red but don’t care because the sense of strength and accomplishment you got is more than worth it
183. Have a really annoying group
184. They don’t tip
185. Buy a 6 pack of Milk Stout and tortilla chips (for the salsa you found unopened on the ground 2 months ago) on your way home
186. Home
187. Get a check for your writing that’s 380.00
188. Freak out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
189. Also get a copy of the magazine it was published in
190. It was so long ago you forgot what you wrote kind of
191. Read it
192. You’re so funny!!!!
193. Call your mom for the first time in more than a month
194. She has company but says she’ll call you back but she’s happy you called
195. Feverishly drink beers and eat chips & salsa
196. Write a fb status about how people in love never make good art
197. She calls back
198. Talk on the phone with her for 4 hours
199. Cry a lot
200. Get past it
201. Have a really good conversation
202. Process some shit
203. Find out that she and your dad are divorced now, it finalized December 1st
204. Cry cry cry
205. She tells you you’re being judgmental about your ex-boyfriend
206. “You’re not in that position anymore”
207. This is interesting and something you haven’t considered
208. Marinate
209. See an apartment listing for 525/month
210. Send out an inquiry about it
211. Your eyes hurt from being open and crying
212. Take a shower
213. Find out Venmo charged you an overdraft fee twice, try to remember to call and get one taken off
214. Try to cut the piece of glass out of your foot with dull scissors
215. It doesn’t really work
216. You’re hungry but you’re doing this not eating after midnight thing
217. Realize your gym closes so fucking early tomorrow you have to get up super early if you wanna go before work
218. Ugh
219. You still haven’t done any more work on editing your friend’s story
220. You know you’re setting a bad impression and he’ll probably never hire you again or recommend you for others
221. You just can’t make yourself focus on it for some reason
222. Feel bad about it
223. You go to New Orleans so soon
224. This 52 week project is almost over
225. What then
226. YOU GOT THE PIECE OF GLASS OUT OF YOUR FOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
227. You’re gonna be fine
228. Find a message from someone who read all the weekly entries of this book you put on a secret tumblr every week in case something happened to the Word doc
229. They said they read it all in one night after looking for things to help with their breakup and that it was very inspirational and relatable
230. You want to cry because that’s so encouraging, you have no idea if anyone will care about any of this it’s just something you needed to do and lots of people have made you feel kind of bad like you’re obsessing or thinking about it too much or prolonging hurt
231. It was nice
232. Stay awake accidentally til 4:00am
233. Get up at 8:30
234. Eat a doughnut
235. Go back to sleep for 25 minutes
236. Go to work looking like shit because you cried for 4 hours on the phone with your mom
237. Work
238. Your friend from college picked the date for her wedding!!!!!! It’s September 29th!!!!
239. Get like 100 bucks in tips
240. Be incredibly frustrated because two different managers snapped at you and one apologized but the other one was right before you left and it was so fucking annoying and you wanted to cry and hit something
241. Leave
242. Rush to the gym
243. Work out for 25 minutes
244. Your butt/back leg muscles are sore/tight today for some reason
245. Wait in line for 20 minutes at the bank to deposit a check
246. Sing softly to oldies with another man for like 10 of those minutes
247. Come home
248. Make a stir fry on the stove like a real person
249. Eat pizza crusts out of the trash, just to remind you where you came from
250. Find the song “Pretty Girl” by Clairo
251. Listen to it multiple times
252. Watch many many episodes of The Office
253. Do NO work on the story you should be editing
254. Drink 1 beer
255. Feel sooooo full
256. Eat the LAST fruit snack package! Out of 80!!!!
257. Find out that Kate Spade made a line of “bridal sneakers”
258. No no no no absolutely not
259. Make an Instagram story about how pimples are really just gifts from the Lord
260. Text your friend Gabe for a min
261. Eat some nutella
262. Want to masturbate and take a shower and also already be asleep
263. Drink water
264. Continue watching The Office & drawing
265. Find a video of a TINY little sweet angel girl covering “Creep” by Radiohead with her dad that is HEARTMELTING
266. Stay up toooo late
267. Wake up two different times from nightmares with abusive people
268. Get up for good
269. Eat a warm doughnut
270. Masturbate
271. Start getting dressed for the gym
272. Do some stuff online
273. Listen to lots of pump up songs
274. Stretch
275. Be sad you can’t go to a Superbowl party because you really need to finish editing this story today, but you also didn’t get invited to any sooooooo
276. Decide you’ll eat chips and salsa while you edit
277. Put 20$ on a Metrocard instead of getting an Unlimited because you’re going to New Orleans in 2 days!!!
278. Gym finally
279. Walk for 80 minutes while watching a HILARIOUS episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta
280. Two grown women get in a fight because one saw the other one park in a handicapped parking spot at the mall which was, “shady”
281. The other one yelled back, “I was hanging out with someone who is handicapped, bitch!”
282. They also did a mediation/séance to “clear the elephants in the room” which was…interesting
283. Text with your friend Gabe and he says some WONDERFUL things that are helpful to you
284. He says (gently) that you need to let go of your ego in all this, and it doesn’t matter what your ex-boyfriend is doing/who he is dating/if he still; has feelings for you because it doesn’t matter in your life anymore, you have moved on without him on your own and have grown so much
285. He also listens while you talk about editing your friends story and you realize why you have been putting it off—you’re worried about offending him by doing too many rewrites/how to address ADDING when editing vs. just rearranging/subtracting
286. Home
287. Get annoyed that one of your roommates & her bf is in the living room, this is the third night in a row someone has been dominating that space with their love and you wanted to write in there!
288. Eat chips & salsa and chicken nuggets in the kitchen with your computer
289. Finally start editing!!!
290. Whew it’s hard and you are tired
291. Wish you could just watch The Office and turn off your brain
292. Do the edits!!!
293. It takes a long time and you decide you won’t charge him for all of them because you made him wait so long
294. Email your rewrite with notes
295. Hope he likes it
296. Watch The Office
297. Paint your nails with this new mirror nail polish you got for Mardi Gras that isn’t what you thought but is still cool
298. It smells terrible though
299. Think about packing?
300. Decide to do it tomorrow
301. You have to work from 3:45-10 and work out at some point though
302. Look up how long it will take you to get to Newark
303. Like an hour and a half
304. Feel free from your conversation with Gabe and really feel like you have turned a corner
305. More Office
306. New Orleans so soon! ! ! !
307. !
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 47
1. Wake up half an hour before your alarm
2. Go back to sleep
3. Wake up an hour and a half AFTER your alarm, which never went off and is still set
4. Be so disoriented you forget your own age for 15 minutes
5. Slowly look at your phone
6. Eat
7. Email the girl you’re doing the poster for you’re gonna be late
8. Get dressed for the gym so you can go after
9. Go to the library
10. Scan and work on the poster
11. It takes a while and is harder than you thought but you finish it
12. She sends you 40 dollars!
13. Rush to meet that guy you have had an emotional saga with at Shake Shack
14. Get there before him, start reading outside
15. He is 45 min late
16. Realize only 15 min can pass of you reading on the ground before you look homeless
17. It is cold and it seeps into your bones
18. Want to leave and cry
19. Try to talk yourself out of your feelings
20. Try to lose yourself in your book (Farenheit 451)
21. Start writing in your journal about it
22. Realize how truly fragile you are right now
23. He comes
24. He apologizes
25. Get a double cheeseburger, fries & a salted caramel milkshake
26. Have a good time talking about rap and comedy
27. He leaves to go to a show
28. Go to the gym
29. Try to return some clothes to Rainbow, they let you come in, wait on line, then tell you the store is closed and to come back tomorrow
30. Work out
31. Get VERY overwhelmed about stand up at the gym
32. Want to cry again
33. Look forward to being home and crying in peace
34. Go home
35. Don’t cry
36. Take a shower
37. Think about drawing
38. Think about watching something
39. Do nothing
40. Drink water
41. Be hungry because you’re trying to do this thing where you don’t eat after midnight
42. Decide never to talk to anyone about your body ever again
43. Listen to an A*Teens song someone posted on your wall you’ve never heard
44. Dance but also feel triggered because those girls are SO thin and no wonder you had an eating disorder
45. Cancel lunch plans you had for today because the thought of rushing anything sounds terrible
46. Read your old fb messages with your ex-boyfriend
47. Be struck by how many of them are him not committing to doing simple shit, like go to events with you
48. Roll your damn eyes
49. Wish you had realized/recognized that sooner
50. Find a message he sent when one of you was traveling where he wrote, “This is the song that’s my alarm I thought you might want a piece of home” and a link to a song that he woke up to every day that you probably heard every day for close to a year
51. Listen to it
52. Feel things
53. They’re not good
54. Call your friend and leave a sad voicemail about said feelings
55. Leave the house
56. Return 49 dollars worth of clothes to Rainbow
57. Catch a 2$ mistake the cashier was making, feel good about that
58. Work out
59. Feel ok & still bad
60. Get cotton balls on the way home at a dollar store (so you can repaint your nails! Something you’ve been wanting to do for w e e k s)
61. Also get a wheel of glitter and some bar soap
62. Shower
63. Finish The Virgin Suicides
64. Start Saved
65. Change
66. Eat a lot of food
67. Spend an hour on the train going to a show
68. Finish Fahrenheit 451
69. It’s eh
70. Some great parts but lacked a mooring interest
71. Start a book about Courtney Love
72. Get to the show
73. It’s light and intimidating
74. Scrap doing jokes because no audience, just give a TED talk about porn instead
75. It goes really well and you have fun and are comfortable and proud of yourself
76. Watch a lady from NPR do a set
77. It’s eh with some highlights (a lot like Fahrenheit 451!)
78. Go out to dinner with your friend and her boyfriend to a Spanish restaurant
79. It’s wayyy fancier than you expected, try to figure out what you will get without spending 30 dollars
80. They tell you he is paying because he sold a TV show to a network!!!
81. Yayyyy
82. They order a lot of tapas and a pitcher of Sangria
83. Have a nice time talking and eating
84. Eat a paella that is too salty
85. Come to learn a lot about the waiter
86. Learn a lot about TV shows and pilots and things
87. Leave
88. Spend more than an hour on the train getting home
89. Read like 100 pages in the Courtney Love book
90. Her life is nuts
91. Finish watching Saved when you get home
92. Paint your nails with this new gel nail polish you got which is stressful
93. Look at all the people who liked your ex-boyfriend’s most recent Instagram
94. Go down a bunch of roads you used to know (like his brother in law/their old friends, etc)
95. Find a girl who you FORGOT about that he told he loved/visited in Colorado while you were dating who he abandoned you when you were on mushrooms to talk on the phone with for 2 hours one time because she said she was gonna kill herself
96. Realize there’s sooooo many women he’s just collecting broken hearts from
97. Vow not to be one of them
98. Start The Boiler Room
99. Lament that you don’t have your TV show dvds with you so you can watch The O.C.
100. Think about doing push ups, mostly for the arm benefits
101. Gym
102. Meet your friend Chad who is New York for a few days in between international travel (he is one of your most impressive friends)
103. Go to eat at a subpar Israeli restaurant that is very cold inside
104. Spend 6 dollars on ONE beer
105. Get not enough fries
106. And have to ask them to heat up this eggplant thing
107. And dry cake
108. Still tip a lot because you work for tips now too and you get it
109. Go back to your friend Rashida’s apartment where he is staying so he can finish packing for MOROCCO
110. Make one bracelet
111. Try to surpise/scare Rashida when she gets home but it backfires and you and Chad just end up waiting silently in the dark for upwards of 10 minutes
112. Rashida sets up a backdrop and lights (she and Chad are both photographers) and you guys take some pics real quick
113. Chad leaves to go to the airport and forgets 1 shoe
114. You and Rashida keep taking pictures
115. You decide not to go to the mic you were going to, take your shirt off, eat some of a weed gummy
116. You do a photoshoot in your sports bra then look at the pictures high which does honestly WONDERS for your self-image
117. Watch 3 episodes of The Office and eat nutella and M&M’s while Rashida edits
118. You both eat buttered bread
119. You make one of the pictures your profile picture, it immedietly isn’t getting enough likes
120. Rashida goes to sleep
121. You watch the ENTIRITY of High School Musical for the first time since you saw it when you were 17
122. Watch 3 more episodes of The Office
123. Go to bed at 4:00am
124. Wake up around 10
125. Rashida is making breakfast
126. Watch more of The Office
127. Check on the prof pic, it’s still not doing the numbers it should be
128. Eat scrambled eggs with vegetables and steak
129. Gym
130. Get texts from two female comic friends from home that someone leaked a post from a secret group you’re all in
131. Be so angry!!!!!!!!
132. Work out anyway even though it’s very difficult to be away from your phone
133. Home
134. Eat sausage out of the trash
135. Shower
136. Feel exhausted
137. Try to get dressed for a show that’s at 8:00pm instead of 10:00pm like you thought
138. Eat a piece of pizza and a Costco granola bar
139. Put on Braveheart
140. Go to the show
141. See a friend
142. Do the show
143. Get free beer
144. Do well
145. Stay to hang
146. Get trapped in a conversation with a man who thinks he should be allowed to murder
147. Get put on the second show
148. Do great!
149. More free beer
150. A girl buys you a drink and says she saw you a year ago (when you were just visiting! Before you lived here!)
151. Go smoke weed in the murder guy’s car (with other people!!!!!!!!!)
152. Drive to Queens?
153. You’re very high
154. Pet a girl’s fur coat
155. Ask if Kanye can be put on like 7 times
156. Finally it works
157. Be happy
158. Get dropped back at the venue
159. TAKE THE TRAIN HOME VERY HIGH
160. It’s after 2:00am and some stops are closed/running on different lines and you navigate all of this while being very scared and unsure of both the world and reality
161. Finally get home
162. Binge eat
163. Which isn’t great because you’ve been trying not to eat/drink alcohol after midnight
164. Tonight you did both
165. Go to sleep
166. Set an alarm to wake up to go to the gym
167. Wake up for it
168. Turn it off and go back to sleep like 3 times
169. Feel terrible
170. Go to work
171. Have an ok time
172. Don’t get to go to the gym
173. One of your managers who you love wants to go drink after work
174. Agree
175. Go out for 2 drinks
176. Go home
177. Set alarm for gym
178. Get up and go
179. Work out
180. Feel wayyy better
181. Fart a lot, like maybe an alarming amount
182. Go to work
183. Scavange food
184. Work from 11:00am-6:00pm
185. Have good groups
186. Make 146$ in tips
187. Home
188. Eat some Chinese food and nutella
189. Phone
190. Braveheart
191. Cry
192. Shower when there was maybe a hope of going out
193. There’s not anymore
194. One of your old friends got engaged
195. Stuff online
196. Eat some chicken nuggets you made in the toaster oven for the first time
197. Burn your hand on the toaster oven
198. Start a review of Braveheart
199. Give up 1/4th of the way through
200. Set an alarm for the gym tomorrow
201. Tomorrow is the end of another week!
202. Tonight was the first night of Carnival and you miss New Orleans but it’s also ok
203. Get up
204. Get to the gym late
205. Only work out for 30 minutes
206. Work
207. Make some $$
208. Leave
209. Go to your friend Molly’s show at UCB East
210. Watch
211. Meet a person you are friends with on Twitter for the first time in real life
212. Hang out with Molly and one of the other comics from the show at the bar, get someone’s free drinks, also get pizza
213. Learn about a Lady Gaga death conapiracy theory
214. Get your chart read
215. Learn your chart has a lot of stability in it and is very masculine
216. Feel excited and happy about the stability part because it makes you feel better about your potential mood disorder thing and also being here
217. Eat an entire gummy bear edible at like midnight
218. SMOKE on top of that
219. Why
220. Go home with Molly because by the time you guys get to the train you’re too high to be by yourself
221. Get to her apartment
222. Watch The Office while she does emails
223. Eat 5-6 bags of JetBlue snack chips she had from a flight and two bags of popcorn and a caramel yogurt bar thing
224. Sleep
225. Sleep
226. Wake up
227. Watch The Office more
228. You’re still high
229. Go to the gym
230. Still high
231. Go to work at 4:00pm
232. Still high
233. You don’t have a group until 5:00pm, which is EXACTLY when it wears off and you’re normal again
234. Lord
235. Get some $$
236. And free fancy doughnuts! And red licorice!
237. Go to a mic with your friend Chris who you work with but have never seen do stand up
238. You both find out the other one is funny
239. Meet a girl who is too friendly
240. Go
241. The trains aren’t running
242. Bus
243. It takes 2 hours to get home a distance that was supposed to be 45 minutes
244. It’s snowing!!!!
245. Home
246. Shower
247. Sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 46
1. Wake up around 1:00pm
2. Immediately eat leftover pancakes
3. Talk
4. Make a plan to hang out with the now non-crush friend bro on Sunday
5. Watch some episodes of a YouTube drag talk show called, “Unnhhh”
6. Do a photo shoot with Nate!!!!!!!
7. He suggests you open the refrigerator and take the pictures in there
8. You guys do
9. It’s phenomenal
10. You feel special and goodish in your body
11. Order Chinese food
12. Edit pictures
13. Get food
14. EAT
15. Watch But I’m A Cheerleader for the first time
16. It’s incredible
17. Drink so much whiskey
18. Upload two of the photos you and Nate took
19. They get over a hundred likes in the first hour
20. Feel pretty and like you accomplished something
21. Watch 2 episodes of Ru Paul’s drag race
22. Split up the Chinese leftovers
23. Go home
24. Try to watch the end of XXX
25. Eat half a sandwich out of the trash and 3 bags of fruit snacks
26. More whiskey
27. Feel a little sick
28. Take a shower, wash your hair
29. Try to throw up
30. Can’t
31. Lay down
32. Stress about what time you’ll get up tomorrow cause it’s already 4:32am and there’s a lot you have to do
33. Wake up fine
34. See you have a facebook message from this guy you messaged like a week ago trying to reconnect you haven’t spoken with in literal years, he says he never checks facebook, to text him instead
35. Text him
36. Don’t hear back
37. Read a lot of posts about sexual assault between the Aziz Ansari thing and the theatre you did improv at in New Orleans which is in the midst of a scandal
38. Upload another picture of yourself from the photoshoot with Nate
39. Go to the gym
40. Buy three gel nail polishes for 6 dollars from a man on the street
41. Post about it in a beauty group
42. Get met with a BEAUTY CONSPIRACY THEORY about people who reproduce packaging and formula to sell for less and give you diseases
43. Feel so annoyed!!!!
44. Do three mics
45. Eat two free pizzas and two paid for beers
46. See Molly
47. Talk about the theatre/sexual assault thing in New Orleans
48. Have 1 ok set 2 bad ones
49. Find some abandoned books on a recycling bin
50. Take four of them
51. Including “Dry” by Augusten Burroughs that you read and loved in high school
52. Start re-reading it on the train home
53. Remember it is about an alcoholic living in NYC
54. Time for some self-examination baby!!!!
55. Get home
56. Keep reading
57. Binge eat
58. Drink a little
59. Sleep
60. Wake up with a lot of plans
61. Slowly abandon them all
62. Have a lost day
63. Talk to your dad and Grandma on the phone
64. Don’t leave the house once
65. Slowly get your period
66. But you have an IUD so you never fully get it there’s just a little brown blood hovering around
67. Eat like 15 packs of fruit snacks feverishly
68. Spend all day reading about the sexual assault situation unfolding in your old improv theatre in New Orleans
69. Feel ----------!!!!!!!!!!!!
70. Write a long post
71. Resign yourself to being inside
72. Eat too many chicken nuggets and mac and cheese and some leftover Chinese and a peanut butter and nutella sandwich and three IPA beers which you don’t even really like
73. Talk to one of your best friends from high school on the phone
74. Make a plan to talk to your friend Mary-Devon tomorrow morning on the phone for the first time since she got engaged and you miss her a lot
75. Feel better
76. Watch the new Katt Williams special
77. Love it
78. Write a review
79. Read your ex-boyfriend’s interview with him
80. Look at who shared it
81. One of them is a person who wrote, “My boyfriend does cool stuff”
82. Whoops you found his new girlfriend
83. Feel your stomach drop outside of your body
84. It’s 4:30 in the morning you can’t even call someone to walk you through these emotions
85. Look at her facebook
86. She is hot and thin and has tattoos
87. Her name is Chandler
88. Ugh
89. She’s a chef
90. Ugh
91. She has a chest piece and you remember him telling you he thought a chest piece would look really sexy on you
92. UGH
93. Some of her cover photos are bell hooks quotes
94. Lololol good luck with that!
95. Ugh you try to get out of there
96. She is pretty and thin and that makes you feel
97. Like human garbage
98. You have started your period today and you have a pimple on your chin and your body’s been off and on sweating all day so you’re slippery and gross some places and your hair is that of a fifth grade boy who likes fish sandwiches
99. Write a little in your journal about it
100. Write a snarky tweet you will probably regret
101. Thank Jesus in Heaven above you didn’t text him back so you can feel like you have one ounce of power in this hell of a situation you’re going to encounter in a few short weeks
102. On her profile she made their relationship facebook official but it’s not on his profile
103. Ugh
104. Wonder if his dog likes her
105. Think about them doing all the things you guys did plus more because she likes to cook and is probably outdoorsy or something
106. Wonder if you’re allowed to be mean to her because she’s thin
107. Feel relieved you’re going to talk to Mary-Devon tomorrow who’s met her and will know some things
108. Prep yourself to cry
109. Try not to think about losing a bunch of weight in the next month
110. Health
111. Body positivity
112. Hate this girl and your ex-boyfriend
113. Hope she’s lame and dumb and he’ll never love her the way he loved you
114. Doubt yourself
115. Feel inadequate
116. Remember you have a wonderful and engaging book
117. Also that it’s 5:14am now
118. Decide to leave the computer
119. But not this hell!!!!
120. Ugh
121. Wake up
122. You’re ok and alive!
123. Do laundry!
124. Talk on the phone with your friend Mary-Devon
125. It feels good
126. She tells you that girl is weird
127. And that your bodies aren’t that different
128. Feel roughly 80 times better
129. Laugh with her a lot
130. Catch up on some New Orleans comedy gossip
131. Get dressed
132. Go to work
133. Make some $$$
134. Call like 4 different people on the walk to the train because you want to talk to someone, get no one
135. Home tired
136. Gabe calls back!
137. Talk to your friend Gabe on the phone
138. Decide not to eat because it’s 12:30am
139. Go to sleep!!!!
140. Wake up naturally at like 10:30am!!!!!!!
141. Text with your friends Rachel & Molly about the new gf
142. Feel incredibly comforted after an extensive talk with Rachel about clothes being an extension of ourselves that we control
143. Take out ALL the recycling in your apartment that has been building up for weeks and is a huge pile
144. Find an entire Alaskan salmon and beef filet RAW/ROTTING that was in the bottom of your roommate’s Blue Apron that she never unpacked/found
145. Go to the gym
146. Feel good working out
147. See that there’s a Rainbow across the street from your train stop
148. Head in!
149. Gather a bunch of items to try, realize there’s no dressing room
150. This is your Russian Roulette
151. Buy four pieces WITHOUT TRYING THEM ON
152. Get home
153. Take a shower
154. Finish watch XXX and eat a TUB of salad
155. Try on all the clothes
156. Decide to keep 2, think about the other 2
157. Agree to make a tour poster for someone for money!!!!!
158. You’re worried about getting it done in time, and also the quality, but very excited as well!!!!!
159. Go to work in new leggings
160. Make 85 dollars, meet some beautiful foreign gays
161. Realize you haven’t lived until a beautiful gay man whispers in your ear, “Did my husband tip you?”
162. Pack a lot of free food in cups
163. Ride the train home
164. Your feet hurt so much from standing
165. Cancel escorting at an abortion clinic so you can go to the Women’s March tomorrow with your friend Ariel
166. Be so excited!
167. Prepare yourself for 6 hours of sleep
168. Wake up feeling exhausted but excited
169. Stare into your phone for a solid 15 minutes before being able to physically move
170. Eat weird bean sandwiches you took from work last night for breakfast
171. And some carrots
172. Get dressed
173. Bring your work stuff with you
174. Have one of the most terrible train rides of your time here so far-nothing crazy happened you just felt really claustrophobic and people kept sneezing without covering their noses & someone was wearing a very intense perfume
175. Finally get out of the train
176. Meet Ariel!!!!!!!
177. She gives you feminist pins to wear!!!!!
178. Run into another friend on the train
179. Go to the Women’s March!
180. March for a little
181. Stand for a little
182. See a girl whose boyfriend is a Trump supporter…….get outta here!!!!!
183. Try to march
184. Get thwarted by the police 2 different times
185. Sneak into the Museum of Natural History with your friend Ariel to go to the bathroom
186. Stay
187. Explore in there for a while
188. Leave
189. Rejoin for like another hour
190. Take a stroll through Central Park
191. Get Mexican food!
192. Hang and talk
193. Go to the gym
194. Go to work
195. Do a three hour party
196. Get good tips
197. Have fun!
198. Lose your voice
199. Go home
200. Write a long status about the women’s march at 2:30 in the morning that probably won’t get any likes
201. Text this guy you kind of have a crush on but he is seeing someone else but is taking you out to dinner to apologize for leading you on/misunderstanding/friendship?
202. Feel wayyyy better about this whole thing/seeing your ex-bf/him having a gf
203. Feel honestly grateful to him bc maybe if he hadn’t hurt you so much you wouldn’t have left New Orleans/gotten to New York
204. Be excited for your single life!!!!!!!!!!!
205. Wake up at 10 something
206. Go back to sleep until 1:00
207. Stay in bed
208. Eat cake for breakfast and macaroni and cheese from the trash and leftover Chinese food
209. Have trouble motivating
210. Do bed stuff
211. Go to the gym
212. Return a blue velvet dress to Rainbow across the street
213. Work out but it’s hard
214. Stall there for a long time
215. Go back to Rainbow
216. Get really excited about buying sexy clothes for Mardi Gras
217. Spend 84 dollars
218. Have the female cashier look at what you’re buying and say, “For you?” and when you confirm she says, “It’s not gonna fit it’s too small”
219. Feel awash with too many negative emotions to separate and name
220. Feel robbed of the joy you’ve had about your body for the past three days
221. Swallow some tiny tears
222. Put one thing back
223. Still get the rest
224. Walk home in sadness
225. It’s alright
226. Eat in a way that if drawn in cartoon would look like a sugar tornado
227. Drink a spiked seltzer & 1 beer
228. Text your friend good luck who’s opening for Rory Scovel
229. Finally start at 9:30pm on this poster project you have put off all day
230. Put on Love Actually to watch while you draw
231. The Lord of the Rings
232. Finish somewhere during Lord of the Rings
233. It’s not perfect but it’s ok and you can hopefully clean it up tomorrow on the computer when you scan it in at the library
234. Feel ok
235. Stalk your ex-boyfriend and his new gf on fb a little
236. Feel still ok but less so? But still ok
237. She’s 26 and that’s truly insane because you’re 28 and he’s 37 and you felt like THAT was a big age difference but hey
238. Take a shower which you DESPERATELY need
239. Mentally decide to try on clothes afterwards, also sleep which is key
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 45
1. Sleep not too late
2. Eat muffins
3. Listen to a podcast your friends did because they said they started to talk about who their bridesmaids would be when they got married and you wanted to see if you made the cut
4. You did!! ☺
5. Take a million years to get dressed
6. Finish watching the last episode of Black Mirror you didn’t realize was the last episode!
7. Get a text from a comic inviting you to watch a show with them, and to do a mic before
8. You accept!!!
9. Write a fb post about stand up comedy and money that gets a lot of likes
10. Hurry to the gym because now you have places to be!
11. Wait for the train because it’s delayed
12. A pipe burst in the subway and it’s just shooting water onto the tracks like a small geyser
13. It doesn’t get fixed
14. Go to the gym
15. Work out a little while watching and episode of Love It or List It that you’ve seen before (which is miraculous because you’ve only seen one and it was this one)
16. Leave to go to the mic
17. Your friend isn’t going but you still wanted to go
18. It’s mostly only men there
19. The host puts you up right away even though you were late which is confusingly nice
20. Have a good set where you talk about porn
21. Watch most of the rest of the mic
22. Leave to go to the show
23. Get in for free by saying you’re a comic which you were nervous about but it went fine!!!
24. Pin hair back and put some mascara on
25. Feel slightly less gross
26. Still smell from the gym & just life
27. Watch show
28. See friend
29. Move to watch show from a better place
30. Know 2 people on the show
31. Run into someone else there
32. Hang after the show at a bar that you threw up and made out with someone the last time you were there
33. Buy the second round of drinks
34. The producer of the show you went to is also the one you had a weird email thing with that was embarrassing
35. She comes to the bar to hang out
36. It’s actually fun and goes well!!!
37. You guys bond over puzzles
38. Ride the train home with your friend who lives near you!
39. Home
40. Eat way too much
41. Be on Facebook wayyyy too long
42. Start watching another episode of The Staircase
43. Think about masturbating
44. Think about taking a shower
45. Think about masturbating in the shower
46. Text your friend Charlie and apologize for never calling him back
47. Sleep
48. Wake up, wander to the kitchen, eat a muffin, put on perfume (?????? Why) go back to sleep
49. Wake up for real later
50. Gym
51. Go late to a mic because getting dressed is hard and anxiety producing, especially when you know you will be on a stage
52. Go up
53. Go to a bar afterwards with a group of other female comics
54. Get a little drunk
55. Get Chinese food with some of them
56. Take the train home
57. Feel GREAT
58. Wake up a little earlier than yesterday
59. Gym
60. Shower
61. Get dressed
62. Drink a beer
63. Eat some frozen asian dinner thing
64. Go to a mic late
65. Sit with Molly
66. Go up
67. Get a burger at a great bar
68. Go to a second mic with Molly and another girl who works at a blog and has a Britney Spears podcast
69. Do well at the mic!!
70. Talk to Molly afterward about LIFE (ever heard of it???) and your trip to New Orleans soon (she is also going back)
71. Take the train home for a long time
72. Snapchat a lil
73. Find out via snapchat your friend is ALSO watching The Staircase! Your ex-boyfriend probably told her about it
74. Decide to watch an ep of it
75. Jk watch like 3 episodes of it which are all an hour, stay up until 6:00am, finally force yourself to stop watching even though you only have 2 left
76. Sleep until 3:00pm
77. Get up
78. Eat a sandwich you made in the toaster oven
79. Go to the gym
80. Walk for an hour
81. You go girl!
82. Think about the worst things that could happen on your trip to New Orleans, accept that even if all of them happen, you’ll still have a good time and be ok
83. Go to the last night of an open mic that’s ending
84. Go up in the first group
85. Have fun
86. Have a respectable set
87. Remeet people
88. Get free wine and pizza
89. “Hang”
90. Walk to the train with a friend after getting like 3 different really nice compliments
91. Decide to watch another episode of The Staircase even though you have to get up in less than 8 hours for a 15 hour shift
92. Wake up
93. Woof it’s rough (ruff)
94. Eat a weird breakfast of mostly cheese
95. Unintentionally watch only the sex scene of XXX
96. Get dressed in old underwear for like the 4th time this week because you need to do laundry but there’s no time anywhere
97. Go to work
98. Build a desk!!!!!!!!!!!
99. Get very surprised by a white man from Connecticut you work with who was so open and happy to teach and learn and do physical projects with you
100. Learn about track lights
101. Make 42 dollars in tips
102. Eat food a child left behind
103. Laugh
104. Feel good
105. Do your second shift
106. Feel exhausted
107. Get almost no tips
108. Ask to go home 30 min early
109. Take the last two alcoholic seltzers from the work fridge you’re allowed to take
110. Have three different people tell you how you can “change your script” to get more tips
111. Leave at 12:43am
112. Call your friend Charlie
113. Make a plan to hang out tomorrow at 8:00pm when you get off of work
114. Be tired just thinking about it
115. Spend what feels like a long time waiting for the train but is actually probably only 15 minutes
116. Get home
117. Poop
118. Open/drink one of the alcoholic seltzers
119. HAVE A PACKAGE WAITING FOR YOU FROM YOUR DAD
120. IT’S A BOOK FROM YOUR LOCAL BOOKSTORE AND A SEPHORA GIFT CARD AND A VERY SWEET NOTE THAT CONGRATULATES YOU ON FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS
121. Almost cry
122. Send him a thank you email instead of calling because it’s 2:00am
123. Find the Demi Lovato documentary online
124. Try to decide if you want to watch that or The Staircase Part II
125. Demi
126. It’s truly nuts
127. Her voice is incredible
128. She is 5 years sober at 25
129. You’re 28 and have never owned any property or a car
130. It’s fine
131. Wake up
132. Go to work for 10ish more hours
133. Get good tips!!!
134. Have a really fun shift!!!
135. Get a free piece of cake!!
136. Call your brother back while you’re walking to the train
137. Talk to him outside in the cold for 2.5 hours
138. It is an amazing conversation
139. He tells you things about himself during high school you never knew
140. You share some stuff as well
141. Your hands are numb
142. Finally get off the phone
143. Call Charlie
144. Agree to meet at your house
145. It takes him more than an hour and a half to get there
146. You almost fall asleep
147. Clean your room
148. Eat
149. Charlie asks if he can stay over
150. You say “duh”
151. Watch some of The Staircase II
152. Charlie comes!!!
153. Talk & drink
154. Laugh
155. Change for bed
156. Put on Swordfish
157. Wonder if you guys are going to hook up or cuddle or anything
158. You don’t
159. It’s nbd and so fun
160. Sleep
161. Get up
162. Charlie has to go to work or something
163. Aziz Ansari sexually assaulted someone
164. Laze around for a bit
165. Take a shower
166. Get a brilliant idea
167. Try to write it out
168. Call your friend Ariel to talk it out
169. Finish it, post it
170. Be late to brunch at your friend Nate’s house
171. Get there!
172. Eat the most amazing meal of: buckwheat banana pancakes with carmalized bananas and nutella, massaged lemon kale salad, bacon, baked beans!!!, scrambled eggs, sauted mushrooms and espresso martinis
173. Have so much fun with Nate and Rashida
174. Get threatened by Nate’s downstairs neighbor
175. Miss the Saints viewing party you were supposed to go to at a friend’s cousin’s apartment for the playoff game
176. The Saints lose really marginally
177. Start Inside Man
178. Hang out and talk
179. Dance
180. SING SONGS and record them
181. Freestyle a lot of songs about: séances, mermaids, tortilla chips, drones
182. You guys sing a serious one and cry
183. Have an embarrassing and kind of painful but ultimately good texting conversation with this guy you’ve had a crush on where he says he’s seeing someone but also apologizes for unintentionally leading you on and acknowledges that he finds you attractive and was definitely flirting at times and respects you a lot
184. Feel ok
185. Order Dominos as a group
186. Run in the cold to pick it up
187. Bring it home
188. Find that they really fucked up the order
189. Call, get free replacement wings
190. Eat everything
191. Rashida leaves
192. Finish watching Inside Man
193. Sleep at Nate’s
194. Go to bed at 6:30am
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 44
1. Stay in bed all day
2. Watch 3-4 movies
3. Rachel comes over!!!!
4. Talk and squeal for a while
5. Eat buffalo chicken eggrolls and fruit snacks and beers
6. Catch up about some sexual assault stuff!!!!
7. She leaves to go home & pack
8. Watch more movies
9. Masturbate in the shower
10. Cum so hard you black out a little
11. Write a long and angry post about a YouTube vlogger who exploited someone’s suicide for views on his channel
12. Sleep
13. Movies
14. Feel bad you haven’t been working out
15. Eat avocado toast for like the 6th morning in a row because you got a bag of them at Costco and you’re worried they’re gonna go bad like the bananas
16. Finally buy someone a Christmas/birthday gift who sent you one
17. Email your mom about paying a bill that she’s been asking about for a while
18. STILL look at your ex-boyfriend’s facebook page and feel sad then mad at yourself for caring when he clearly doesn’t and has moved on
19. Try not to convince yourself that if you were thinner he’d love you
20. Fail
21. Try to be kind to yourself
22. Try not to hate and not love him, some less feelings would be nice
23. Feel that everyone wants you to move on/thinks it’s kind of sad you’re still hung up on it
24. Want to cry
25. STILL miss him
26. Think about seeing him at Mardi Gras
27. Cry because a Ke$ha song came on
28. Miss New Orleans so much it hurts
29. Cry some more
30. Watch the movie Whatever It Takes
31. Look up pictures of Jodi Lyn O’Keefe
32. Finally go to the gym
33. Work out
34. Remember that arbitrary probably made up quote from Sex and the City that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it, and think that the relationship was two years and you haven’t been broken up a year yet
35. Feel a little better
36. Go to Barnes N’ Noble to get a planner for half off now that the new year has begun (hot tip!)
37. Look through some, find a good one that’s camo deer
38. Receive a text from your ex-boyfriend when you turn the data on on your phone to send a picture of bridal wedding planning books to your friend
39. He asks if you’ve seen a docu series set/filmed in your hometown about a famous murder that was there
40. You feel weird
41. Don’t respond
42. Buy the planner and a cute book about famous bald people for your dad
43. Go to a mic
44. Meet a beautiful gay from LA
45. Have a good set
46. See the guy you have been texting
47. It’s slightly weird
48. Realize you’re not good at crushes because you can’t live in the ambiguity they require
49. Also you’re probably not ready for anything with men right now
50. Go home
51. Look up and start watching the documentary series he asked about
52. Eat pesto pasta, a leftover fourth of a burrito, calamari salad, and Nutella
53. Masturbate
54. Feel connected to your ex-boyfriend in this weird way because you’re watching the thing he recommended you can imagine him watching it/you guys watching it together, then it feels like you’re back there
55. Wake up
56. Feel sexy
57. Dance in your room
58. Tweet about dancing & feeling sexy
59. Go to the gym
60. Shower while drinking
61. Watch a little more of Obsessed, drink a little more
62. Eat dumplings and have another beer
63. Go to an open mic
64. Get there late
65. Sign up
66. Go up in the last group
67. Feel very intimidated and nervous the whole time
68. See some people you know
69. See your friend’s husband you don’t like
70. He goes up
71. He isn’t funny
72. You feel validated in not liking him
73. Then feel bad for thinking that
74. Leave
75. Go the wrong way on your second train home
76. Get home
77. Eat 9 mini buffalo chicken eggrolls from Costco
78. Realize you have an entire cluster of bananas that are about to go bad
79. Decide to make banana bread
80. Switch it to banana muffins because there isn’t a bread pan/tray thing in your house
81. Put off making them because you’re worried you won’t have all the ingredients and something will go wrong
82. Watch more of the murder mystery doc set in your hometown (The Staircase)
83. Make 2 batches of the muffins to use all the bananas, one with raisins one without
84. They turn out good!!!!
85. You eat too many and feel full
86. Go through hundreds of your photos on Facebook
87. Find the fb account of a friend you used to kind of be in love with but also really good friends you forgot about/had a weird ending with
88. Read through all your messages with them which were shockingly deep/intimate
89. Message him “Hi!” at 4:45am
90. Go to bed at 5:00am
91. Get woken up by your dad and Grandma calling
92. FaceTime them a little
93. Eat a muffin
94. See there’s been a snowstorm outside!
95. Call the gym to see if they have normal hours secretly hoping they both do and do not
96. They do
97. Plan to write with your friend Molly later
98. Switch over to your new planner you bought!
99. Request 10 days off work for Mardi Gras
100. Realize you’re missing Chewbacchus which is your favorite parade
101. Cry
102. Cry
103. Cry
104. Realize you’re also gonna be in New Orleans for Valentine’s Day
105. Laugh & laugh & laugh
106. Remember you haven’t ordered your brother’s Christmas present yet
107. Look up box sets of Hey Arnold on dvd
108. Get dressed to go to the gym
109. Your brother calls
110. You guys have an initially good, then slowly deteriorative conversation that leaves you upset
111. Work out
112. Try to go to a friend’s house but get thwarted by a shitty bus driver & the weather
113. Go home
114. Eat red vegetable curry and chicken nuggets
115. Watch things
116. Text that guy
117. Stay up way too late
118. Wake up way too early
119. Have a great shift
120. Meet a guy from Lafayette!
121. Eat
122. Get a group at the last minute and ten dollars
123. Gym
124. Home
125. Start the fourth season of Black Mirror you didn’t realize you were putting off because you watched all the other ones with your ex-boyfriend
126. You still haven’t texted him back yet
127. Kind of decide you won’t
128. It’s made you feel good to have some power these last few days
129. A welcome change
130. Take a shower
131. Drink 2 beers
132. Floss (you haven’t been writing that but you’ve been doing it)
133. See a mouse for the fourth time in your apartment
134. Start using your new planner
135. Work again
136. Get 101 dollars in tips total
137. Go to the gym
138. Forget that they close at 7:00pm on Saturdays
139. Work out for 7 minutes
140. Go home
141. Try to meet up with your friend Charlie but it doesn’t work out because of both of you
142. Watch another episode of Black Mirror
143. Drink?
144. Masturbate to some really good literotica
145. Stay up until 4:00am
146. Sleep until 2:00pm
147. Eat some muffins and mac & cheese
148. Get to the gym
149. Buy a 16 dollar bottle of cheap bourbon from a liquor store you didn’t know was right by your house
150. Talk to your dad on the phone
151. Don’t watch The Golden Globes
152. Get like 10+ followers on Twitter because of a follow thread in a women’s facebook group
153. Feel both empty and ok
154. Have a revelation at the gym about how if someone is looking for validation from their romantic relationships they’ll never be satisfied but if they’re whole and they just love the other person for who they are not what they can give them, they will
155. Think about texting your ex-boyfriend a lot of times
156. Know that you don’t really want to/it won’t change anything
157. Be dying to see what his new tattoo says, it looks stupid
158. Worry that people won’t be able to connect to these lists
159. What if this is all for naught?
160. Drink 2 good beers
161. Watch another episode of Black Mirror
162. Try not to think about when you have to move apartments again in March and how you’ll do it
163. Eat like 15 bags of fruit snacks and 9 chicken nuggets
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 43
1. Wake up
2. It’s Christmas!
3. Open your cards by your roommate’s tree
4. Read the newspaper comics your dad sent
5. Get dressed really fast
6. Go to your mom’s cousin’s apartment
7. See a black squirrel
8. Almost cry on the train
9. Feel sad
10. Get there
11. Feel better
12. Dance in the kitchen to a 2003 era playlist your cousin has on her ipod
13. Get a glass of wine
14. Eat quiche and salad and cookies and fruit
15. Get gifts which you didn’t expect at all!
16. THEY ARE REALLY GOOD GIFTS
17. THEY ARE SEPHORA MAKEUP AND EXPENSIVE SKINCARE STUFF THAT FEELS FANCY
18. And gloves that work on your phone!!!!
19. You’re shocked at how good the gifts are
20. Get sleepy on the couch
21. Call your family on speakerphone, everyone talks
22. Hitch a ride to Brooklyn
23. Get dropped off in front of your door
24. Facetime your family
25. They are playing a Jeopardy boardgame
26. Play with them for a little
27. Try not to cry
28. Fail
29. Feel for the first time sadness and regret that you didn’t go home
30. Say goodbye
31. Contemplate going to a friend’s house for “mulled wine, desserts and board games” which sounds lovely but you’re really tired
32. Get a call from your brother
33. Answer
34. Talk to him for 2 hours +
35. It’s really nice
36. He tells you the only time it felt like Christmas was when you Facetimed in
37. Feel ok that you didn’t go
38. Draw
39. Decide not to go out again
40. Watch movies
41. Sleep
42. Wake up early, travel an hour and 18 minutes to see your friend in Queens
43. Arrive
44. Have a reunion with her dog and a neighbor’s dog she’s taking care of
45. Watch Amazing Race and drink a beer with her in the bathroom while she cleans
46. She orders and pays for an extensive beautiful Italian lunch for you both
47. Move to the living room
48. Watch Amazing Race on the big TV and eat: breaded chicken cutlet with lemon and garlic, fresh bread, linguine with clams, roasted vegetables, salad with parmesan and walnuts and spaghetti carbonara
49. Back to the bathroom
50. Watch until you have to leave
51. She packs up and sends the leftovers home with you
52. Give her the Christmas card you wrote
53. Have a quick catch up chat about how it isn’t good for you to have goals and how talking to your ex-boyfriend from college lifted a weight you didn’t know was there and how you mostly feel bad for your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and how you lost respect for him
54. She agrees
55. You leave, head into Manhattan to volunteer at a church that feeds the homeless
56. Meet a woman who is overly touchy, tells you you look exactly like her ex-daughter in law, asks if you’re in school, how old you are, what your sign is (“Cause you seem like a Virgo”) and in general makes you uncomfortable
57. Feed around 200 people
58. Leave
59. Go to an open mic that’s 15 minutes away
60. Sign up
61. Get threatened from stage by a guy
62. Go up
63. Do fine
64. Hang out and talk with the friend you met there and a guy you both know and ran into
65. Have fun
66. Wait until the other mic (the one you meant to come for) starts
67. Go up
68. Have a rocky set where you try to talk about roller derby but they’re not really having it
69. Feel weird
70. Leave the mic with your friend Molly to go to her house and watch screeners her boyfriend got
71. Get sushi and ice cream on the way
72. Watch The Disaster Artist and Lady Bird
73. Have feelings about both of them!!!
74. Talk
75. Look up a rash Molly’s boyfriend has that looks like Lyme disease or cellulitus
76. Sleep on their couch
77. Wake up
78. Hang around for a while
79. Publish a tweet that goes semi-viral
80. Go home
81. Make plans to work out and do lots of productive things
82. Stay in bed drinking beers/watching movies for a few hours
83. Clean your room finally!
84. Group text with some friends from home
85. Eat a lot of frozen Costco appetizers
86. Text with a friend about a possible name for the podcast you want to start about masturbation
87. Want to text the comic you have a crush on
88. Don’t
89. Feel undesirable
90. Live with it
91. Make a Venn Diagram of The Mask and The Grinch that’s mostly just a flat circle
92. Try to sleep
93. Work
94. Work
95. Have a very frustrating day where you try to navigate a sexist co-worker and a new business figuring itself out
96. Meet one of your best friends from home after work!!!!!!!
97. Drink beers
98. Watch The Social Network
99. Talk talk talk
100. He tells you about someone he loves who is undocumented and you remember how lucky you really are
101. Exchange Christmas cards
102. Realize you agreed to volunteer somewhere at 7:00am the next morning that’s an hour away
103. Set an alarm at 2:00am for 5:00am
104. Wake up at 5:00am
105. Try to decide what the right thing to do it
106. Send an email cancelling
107. Go back to sleep
108. Sleep !!!!!!
109. Work out
110. Go to work
111. Sleep
112. Go to work again
113. Get a 56 dollar tip
114. Change a board by yourself for the first time
115. Feel great and competent and proud
116. Get a text from one of your best friends that she’s engaged
117. Gasp out loud
118. Call her outside
119. Cry
120. Without gloves
121. You’re only on the phone for 9 minutes but your hand is numb by the end of the conversation
122. She tells you there was a romantic scavenger hunt and all their friends were clues
123. Your ex-boyfriend was one of the clues
124. You can’t stop crying partially because you’re so happy for them but partially because you’re so sad to be far away and not a part of this
125. Ask her why one of the clues wasn’t to come to New York
126. Say congratulations to her fiancé!!!!
127. Get off the phone
128. Take the subway home
129. Cry more
130. Keep crying when you get home
131. Regret moving for the first time
132. Put on a movie (Taking Lives)
133. Get dressed to go out because it’s New Year’s Eve!
134. Go to your friend Molly’s parents’ apartment
135. It’s so beautiful and there’s so much free food & booze
136. Do edibles with her dad and some of his friends
137. Dislike three people at the party very intensely
138. Walk outside to see the firweorks in the park at midnight
139. They are beautiful and you have a moment with a tree because you’re very high
140. Drink champagne outside
141. Start a group sing-a-long to Auld Lang Syne while people walk home
142. Do a group new years chant in the lobby of their building with everyone
143. Kiss no one
144. But it’s ok
145. Feel good
146. Feel happy and generous
147. See a girl whose mom died this year crying, feel very sad for her
148. Go back up to the party
149. Stay there until 5:00am
150. Think you broke her dad’s phone
151. Freak out
152. Find out it was already broken
153. FLOOD with relief
154. Get a text from a boy you have been crushing on a little at 3:48am saying Happy new year
155. Text with him a little
156. Get driven home by friends
157. Sleep
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 42
1. Wake up feeling empty
2. No Costco trip
3. What will you do for Christmas?
4. What is money
5. Work out
6. Make a plan to go to a mic with a girl you haven’t met yet
7. Stay home and watch The Office instead
8. Decide to make Christmas cookies at like 1:00am
9. Substitute like 5 different ingredients because you didn’t have all of them in your house
10. They’re only ok tasting, but you feel a lot better for making them
11. Go to your last day at your dance studio easy money job
12. Watch Christmas adjacent movies on HBO Go
13. Gym
14. Get up ungodly early to go to a screening an hour away at a friend of a friend’s apartment that promised free pizza
15. Get offered a beer as soon as you walk in, immediately feel better
16. Take an orange juice first but feel comforted knowing the beer is there
17. Meet everyone/talk for a while
18. Eat pizza
19. Drink 2 glasses of orange juice
20. Watch the movie/play
21. Have a talkback
22. Say things that people seemed to respect
23. Eat apple pie with ice cream
24. Drink a beer
25. Make a friend who worked at Disney in Malaysia
26. Listen to a lot of theatre stories
27. Leave with a group
28. All walk to the train together/get on the same train
29. Lose respect for the guy who made the movie you liked 2 seconds ago because he makes three rapid fire sexist comments/feel like he’s hitting on you
30. Be shocked when, after he gets off at the next station, your friend tells you that’s the guy she’s been in love with for three years
31. Say bye to her a few stops later after getting all the hot goss
32. Go to the gym
33. Shower
34. Change
35. Go to a show at a pizza place
36. They all came to the show
37. Get a free slice and beer
38. Buy another two dollar beer
39. Have an ok set
40. Feel rusty but good
41. Sit with your friend who is leaving after her set to get on a bus to go home for Christmas
42. Eat the rest of the pizza she leaves when she goes
43. Talk to the people after for a min
44. Go home
45. Wake up early and travel an hour to your friend’s house to hang with her and her parents (in town for the holidays-you grew up with them) because you’re missing her party tonight
46. Have 2 glasses of wine and lots of cheese and a biscuit with jam
47. Feel happy
48. Give her a Christmas card you wrote
49. Get hissed at by her cat who’s a real big personality
50. Leave to get to your job
51. Take a beautiful picture of the city from the overpass by the train station
52. Be 20 minutes late to your job
53. Have your first real shift at the axe throwing job
54. Work 4 groups back to back without a break
55. Get 40 dollars in tips which isn’t bad on top of the 13/hr you’re already getting
56. Feel way better about the job/competent
57. Get a free beer after your shift
58. Find out that you get half off all drinks sold at the bar
59. There’s a lot of free penne vodka pasta too that you eat cold out of a cup
60. Listen to a co-worker and one of your managers tell drinking stories back and forth that are just them blacking out/peeing on themselves
61. Miss New Orleans where people know how to drink
62. Go home
63. Wake up early to go to Costco
64. Hear an earful from your mom’s cousin who doesn’t think this job is safe/good enough
65. Feel stressed out
66. Spend 246 dollars at Costco-the most money you’ve ever spent at one time/in one place
67. Feel both proud and disgusted
68. Eat
69. Get ready
70. Go to a holiday party your friend Gaby invited you to
71. Arrive, feel disconcerted because you can’t find your friend and don’t know anyone else there
72. See someone you know
73. Relax
74. Put your coat down
75. Get food
76. See friends
77. Sing carols!!!!!!
78. You didn’t know that would be a big missing piece of the holidays for you but it was
79. Decide to sleep over at Gaby’s since her girlfriend got her wisdom teeth out and is staying at her parents’ house
80. Travel another hour
81. Talk with your friend on the train about ideas/catch up
82. Fall asleep watching Bad Santa in front of a beautiful REAL tree
83. Wake up
84. Drink Coquito (your first time having it!!!)
85. Watch an episode of Friends then Bad Santa 2
86. Fall asleep?
87. Get dressed
88. Head to a bar to watch a football game
89. Get sidetracked by a barbershop where Gaby wants to get a haircut before Christmas
90. Go in
91. Wait for like 40 min
92. Call your mom
93. Go to the bar
94. Get a good burger and fries
95. Drink 2 Christmas beers (Mad Elf) that are 11%
96. Get a lil drunk
97. Hear a white woman talking about voting for Trump
98. Watch some football
99. Leave
100. DANCE at Gaby’s apartment
101. Share songs
102. Leave to meet a comic doing a toy drive
103. Travel from Washington Heights to Brooklyn (an hour)
104. Meet him at his apartment
105. Eat homemade pie
106. Take the presents on the train to the hospital (in Washington Heights- an hour)
107. Talk and laugh
108. Go into the pediatric ICU
109. Drop off presents
110. Learn that the security is really intense because “a lot of people stole babies in the 80’s” and that that’s what a “code pink” is
111. Get offered food
112. Turn it down (a first!!!!!) because you’re shy and don’t want to take from doctors and nurses
113. Go back to Brooklyn (an hour!!!)
114. Text with the comic the whole time
115. Keep texting him until almost 5:00am
116. Realize you have a crush on him
117. Buy him a bowtie on Etsy for 9.00 dollars when he says he hasn’t gotten a Christmas present since he was eleven
118. Sleep
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 41
1. Eat macaroni and cheese out of the trash
2. Your roommate keeps throwing away perfectly good food, even though you’ve told her to let you know if she doesn’t want it because you’re very poor right now and you’ll eat it
3. She doesn’t, so you have been taking stuff out of the trash and eating it
4. Set an alarm to wake up early because you’re supposed to go into work early before a party you’re working tonight
5. Your boss emails you telling you they don’t need you
6. Feel like this isn’t good and worry you’re going to be fired
7. Watch lots of episodes of The Office
8. Make a fake Top 9 end of the year Instagram post in photoshop that’s all dead birds
9. It doesn’t do as well as you think it should
10. Go to the gym
11. Buy a Jamaican beef patty and whole pizza because you have no groceries at your house
12. Don’t shower
13. Think about going to a mic
14. Masturbate
15. Start drinking at 1:30am by yourself
16. Feel excited then sad
17. Miss your friends from New Orleans
18. Finish a jar of Nutella that was mostly done already
19. Eat more pizza
20. Steal a glass of wine from a bottle in the living room that’s been open on the bar forever
21. Close the laptop around 4:30am
22. Go to a friend’s recording of their half hour
23. Be the only audience member
24. Go to a show with her afterwards
25. Eat a free half of a cheeseburger and fries with very good pickles
26. See a guy who was the white guy on the Real World sketch on Chappelle’s Show
27. Be starstruck!!!
28. See a famous-ish person you know struggle to have a good set
29. Feel comforted in that knowledge
30. Walk home
31. Check your phone bleary-eyed at 9:00am when you wake up
32. See a tweet where your ex-boyfriend refers to someone as his girlfriend
33. Wake up
34. Cry
35. Feel completely overwhelmed
36. Call your mom even though you have kind of been avoiding her since your fight
37. Cry and cry
38. Feel better
39. Go to work
40. Watch Stick It and The Bone Collector on someone’s HBO Go that was logged into your work computer
41. Library
42. Gym?
43. Work again
44. College theatre alum drinks meetup
45. Hear people caroling inside
46. Get a free beer and shot from the owner of the bar
47. Break a pepper shaker
48. Find out your ex-boyfriend is really dating someone new, it’s not just an easy way to refer to the girl he was hooking up with when you were in an open relationship
49. Decide not to get the name/stalk
50. Lose respect for him
51. Feel bad for her
52. Unless she’s prettier than you & you will just hate her
53. Cry cry cry
54. Talk on the phone with a friend while you’re texting a different friend at the same time
55. Be comforted by women
56. Feel ok
57. Sleep
58. Take a bus to Boston for a surprise party for a friend!!!!
59. Try to draw on the bus but it’s very bumpy
60. Text
61. Watch fb videos for over an hour
62. Be 45 minutes late
63. BOSTON!!!!!
64. You haven’t been back here since you were in college?
65. See a BEAUTIFUL huge fat pink Christmas tree at Macy’s
66. TAKE THE T!!!!!!
67. Sit next to a man you would like to talk to but don’t
68. Walk 13 minutes in the freezing cold because you missed a bus
69. SEE YOUR FRIENDS
70. Uber to the restaurant immediately because you have a reservation
71. Go to a fancy French dinner with them that they PAY FOR
72. Eat bone marrow for the first time
73. Have underwhelming salmon
74. But overwhelming bread!!!
75. Almost take a shot of whiskey out of the bone marrow bone, decide not to be a caricature of yourself
76. Get invited to Christmas with your friend John’s family
77. Feel happy and grateful and touched
78. Talk too much about yourself
79. Remember things
80. Feel good
81. Take the T back to their apartment
82. TWO of their friends (different) get engaged that night
83. They get a text from your college ex-boyfriend saying he won’t be able to make it to the party tomorrow
84. Feel quietly disappointed
85. Learn who Shea Serrano is
86. Read a little of his book about Basketball
87. Like it/him a lot
88. Use a fancy skin cream/oil
89. Sleep
90. Watch an episode of The Sopranos!!!!! Which you forgot about!!!!
91. Paint your nails all different colors
92. Go get vegan tacos with your friend John
93. Talk about a lot of things
94. He pays for them, which is the kindest thing in the whole world
95. Eat
96. Your friend gets the text, “Do you think you’ve already Vanilla Sky’d yourself?” during lunch from your college ex-boyfriend that makes you remember how funny and unique he is
97. Find out he has a twitter
98. Memorize the handle for later
99. Help prep for party
100. Go to surprise party house
101. Help prep for party
102. Hang streamers and tie balloons to chairs and make a Cheeto bar and custom signs for custom drinks at the whiskey station
103. See a close friend you had a falling out with but then it was ok but it’s still a little weird but feels like it could be good
104. SURPRISE
105. Have fun at the party
106. Eat a million delicious things, mostly turkey pesto wraps and Buffalo Chicken dip
107. Drink maybe 3 whiskey gingers
108. Buy a bus ticket for 2:15am that night because you have to be at work in like 15 hours
109. Dance
110. Hear a Kate Nash song about birds that’s oddly fun and insightful and sweet
111. Leave party
112. Talk with friends at home for a while
113. Ask if they think your college ex-bf is mad at you
114. They don’t think so?
115. Light Hanukkah candles
116. They go to sleep
117. Do dishes
118. Pack
119. Write in journal
120. Call Uber
121. Get on bus
122. Try to sleep
123. Get woken up by someone’s KPop ringtone that is SO LOUD and goes on for MINUTES before you have to WAKE THIS GIRL UP so she can turn off her fucking phone
124. Be grumpy
125. Look through your college ex-boyfriend’s entire twitter
126. Feel some type of way
127. Wish you guys could be friends/that he was at the party
128. Sleep maybe 2 hours
129. Get into NY at 9:00am
130. See a woman LOSING HER SHIT at the bus agents because she missed her bus and they didn’t help her
131. Stay in the subway station for an hour because it’s warm and you can’t go to work yet
132. Go to work
133. Work
134. Feel ok
135. Get 18 dollars in tips, lead 2 groups
136. Go home
137. Eat
138. Fall asleep at 7:00pm
139. Wake up at 11:30pm
140. Be on your phone
141. Watch Snatched
142. Eh
143. Sleep
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 40
1. Do laundry for the third time since moving
2. Feel indebted to your grandmother for keeping jars of quarters everywhere
3. Spend too much money on Chinese food
4. Gym
5. Go to an acquaintances Queer Film Theory show in the bar of a movie theatre in a shopping mall where people offer queer readings of straight media
6. The entries included: Dragon Ball-Z, Pitch Perfect 1, Motocrossed and Lord of the Rings
7. Have fun but feel weird afterwards when you try to say congratulations to the host, he seems uncomfortable to talk to you and like he thinks you want something from him?? But you don’t you just thought the show would be cool and it was
8. Leave feeling weird
9. Go to a show in the rain
10. Go first, have an ok set
11. The host got realy drunk and gives you another drink ticket because you ask for it
12. Spend too much money on beer
13. Hang out with another comic on the show who did a screen test for SNL this year but didn’t get it
14. He is very funny though
15. Flirt with him? Who can tell what’s going on really
16. He decides to leave pretty suddenly, you guys walk to the train station which is closed
17. Find the bus
18. Get on it immedietly, leave him in the street
19. It’s not even the right bus so you have to get off and change later
20. Something is wrong, a lot of subway stations are closed, it takes a while to get home
21. Work
22. Rush to your first training for your axe throwing job
23. You get there really late, everything is basically done
24. Feel terrible
25. See the guy who was rude to you
26. He tries to talk to you
27. You say hi and mostly ignore him
28. Ask your friend if he’s doing anything after
29. He’s going to a show in Manhattan
30. Go with him
31. Realize you know one of the producers
32. Watch the show
33. Say bye at the end
34. Introduce yourself to one of the other comic’s on the show, you were on a show with her earlier in the month
35. She offers to split an Uber back to Crown Heights with you
36. You do
37. They can’t drop you off at your house so she’s going to buy you another one home
38. Go up to her apartment while she’s doing that
39. End up talking and hanging out for a while
40. Meet her roommate who is a dominatrix
41. Hear many stories and even see some videos of the men who come to see her
42. Smoke weed
43. Eat a bagel with cream cheese
44. Watch an episode of Big Mouth
45. Hear so many cool stories of her close personal comedian friends, including Dave Chappelle
46. Freak out a little
47. Understand a The Color Purple reference
48. Leave at 4:30am happy and tired
49. Go home
50. Sleep
51. Work
52. Rush to your other job for ‘friends and family’ night
53. Only like 4 of your friends come out of like 20 you invited
54. That ends up being more manageable and better
55. Successfully show them how to throw axes
56. Get two tips
57. Clean up
58. Go out after with your friend Charlie
59. Go to an expensive-ish bar that is closing
60. Go to a way better dive bar that is not closing
61. Eat a million trays of free popcorn
62. Drink 3-4 beers
63. Go home
64. Babysit a child
65. Have a weird power struggle over opening the mail
66. Get 110 dollars and some free cookies
67. Get an amazing email saying you don’t need to escort in Jamaica Plains at 7:00 in the morning the next day because it’s gonna snow
68. Go to a comedian holiday party thrown by the woman you had a really weird encounter with
69. Drink a million beer/shot combos
70. Be in some photobooths
71. Obnoxiously remind the DJ he hasn’t played a single Kanye song since you got here 2 hours ago
72. Dance
73. Try to fix your hair in the unisex bathroom that is just a bunch of stalls and a trough with a mirror over it
74. Feel disgusting
75. Take off your turtleneck underneath your dress because even though there’s snow outside, it’s 1 million degrees in here
76. Run into a lot of people
77. Feel unsettled
78. Go to another bar after, this comic you have a crush on comes
79. Throw up in the bathroom
80. Make out with a different guy in front of him then fall asleep on that guy’s lap
81. Your friend Molly buys you an Uber home
82. Throw up again when you get there
83. Feel TERRIBLE
84. Pass out
85. Lose the entire next day to shame and a stomachache
86. Feel weird that you kissed your kind of friend
87. Stay inside all day
88. Go to a show called “Strangers” where the host has never met anyone on the show
89. Have a very awkward conversation with a comic who turned out to not be funny that was like pulling teeth
90. See some people who were funny
91. Have a set that wasn’t as good as you wanted, feel bad
92. Hang out after and meet people/talk about sexual assault
93. Drink nothing
94. Go home
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 39
1. Library
2. Gym
3. Go to your friend’s house to try to write monologue jokes for a packet that’s due later in the week
4. Go to a show with her
5. Eat a piece of pizza with pasta on it
6. Spend 9 dollars on two pieces of pizza which is fiscally irresponsible but delicious
7. Have a good set at the show
8. Go out with people after the show
9. Try to get drunk off two drinks
10. You cannot
11. See an angel of a woman put a man in his place after he groped he friend after their pool game
12. Leave
13. Training for your new job as an Axpert at an axe throwing company in Brooklyn (lol, of course)
14. Walk home with one of the other trainees who lives across the street from you
15. Stop in a bar with him
16. Get drinks
17. Go to a different bar
18. Get more drinks and play video games
19. Meet a man named Excel
20. Go to the library with him, check out White Oleander
21. Get pizza
22. Go to his house to eat it
23. Watch a particularly sad episode of Parks & Rec
24. Talk outside in their backyard with him & his roommate for a while
25. Walk across the street to your house
26. Feel excited and happy
27. He texts you
28. Text a little bit
29. Go to sleep
30. Proctoring job
31. Run errands afterward
32. Talk to a friend on the phone
33. Sleep
34. Don’t do the packet by the deadline
35. Make a powerpoint quiz about Sex and the City
36. Be too proud of it
37. Present it at a show
38. See your friend from college you haven’t seen in years!!!
39. Go out with her
40. Find a weird underground bar where you can’t tell what to feel about the bartender and drinks are 14 dollars
41. Get drunk on good whiskey
42. She buys you pizza
43. You walk her to the train station because her phone died
44. Home
45. Help your friend host his open mic
46. Go to watch a friend’s show and “hang out”
47. Feel inadequate
48. Sit quietly at a table while other people talk
49. Leave by yourself
50. Text the guy across the street from you to see what he’s doing
51. He invites you to meet him at a bar he’s at with his friends
52. Get there, it’s very cool
53. Go to the bathroom before saying hi
54. Meet someone in line from New Orleans
55. Hit it off with them
56. Find the guy, say hi, get a beer
57. Meet some of his friends
58. THE GUY YOU TEXTED/MET THERE REFUSES TO TALK TO YOU
59. HE IGNORES YOU
60. You are normal and talk to other people, keep circulating, assume it’s coincidental, then after 40 minutes where it’s happened like 4 times that he intentionally talked to someone else, you fill with rage and hurt pride, close out your tab, and leave
61. Walk home cursing his name and everything about him
62. Generally feel bad about yourself
63. Wonder why this is upsetting you so much because you don’t even think he’s that cute/great
64. Try to sleep but honestly you’re really wound up and sad and you stay awake for a long time being angry and sad
65. Finally sleep
66. Feel emotionally awful most of the next day
67. Your cousin (a different one on your mom’s side of the family) is having a housewarming party in her new apartment that night
68. Go there
69. Meet so many people who have their shit together and have impressive jobs
70. Flirt with a British Jamaican guy who then told you about this emotional love affair he’s having with a co-worker
71. Feel rejected and inadequate AGAIN wonder if you’re repellant in some way to men
72. Or being weirdly desperate in a gross way
73. Hate that these are thoughts you’re having and feelings you’re feeling
74. Stay until the bitter end of the party
75. Help your cousin (Sarah) clean up, eat any leftover cheese
76. Talk with her about political quilting (!!) comedy, and life things
77. Leave at like 3:00am
78. Take the train even though she urges you to cab or Uber
79. See someone peeing on the tracks as you wait for the train
80. Feel uncomfortable for the first time in a train station
81. Get on the train
82. Pass out
83. Stay inside all day watching movies
84. Gym
85. Deposit a check
86. Spend 10 dollars at Subway getting a footlong turkey with Harvest Cheddar Sunchips because you don’t have any food at your house (which was disappointing but still good)
87. Go through all your clothes, separating out, mentally preparing to do laundry tomorrow
88. Clean your whole room
89. Watch more movies
90. Sleep
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 38
1. FINALLY JOIN A GYM!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Work out
3. Feel sore but great
4. Hire a TaskRabbit to hang the furniture you can’t
5. He does but he breaks something in the process
6. He also says his rate is 52 instead of the 34 it said when you booked him
7. Almost cry
8. See that the app charged you 34
9. Don’t ask any questions
10. Be able to change in your room now without people seeing in
11. Start watching Baywatch (the movie) in bed
12. Go to your friend’s house for some cake
13. Talk with her about writing projects and New York and rent and things
14. Walk home because she’s so close!!!!
15. Take the LIRR for the first time to go to your Aunt & Uncle’s (technically second cousins but they’re a lot older than you) house for Thanksgiving!
16. Hint that you’re very hungry because it seems like they don’t eat dinner until very late
17. Eat SO MUCH chili with sour cream and shredded cheese
18. Find out that they voted for Trump and are still very happy with that decision
19. Tell them you do work with abortion clinics
20. Talk for a while about stuff
21. Watch Raw (the sexy cannibal movie)
22. Start to watch Patton Oswalt’s special
23. Your uncle leaves because the first 15 minutes is anti-Trump jokes
24. Stay up until 5:00am writing a review of Raw
25. Masturbate in the shower
26. Sleep until noon
27. It’s Thanksgiving!
28. Go to the grocery store, get a lemon bar mix
29. Have a beer
30. Go outside to smoke a cigar with your Uncle, talk politics some more
31. He says some pretty terrible things about North Korea
32. Get changed to go to dinner
33. Have a drink at the bar while they’re setting up the table
34. Have a really lovely meal
35. Go home
36. Feel overwhelmed
37. Talk to your mom on the phone which is REALLY bad for too many reasons to explain
38. Cry
39. Talk to your dad
40. Feel a little better but mostly just lonely and angry
41. Emerge from the room
42. Make lemon bars in the kitchen by yourself which is a nice break
43. Show your Aunt and Uncle the American Idol episode of Black Mirror, they don’t like it
44. Watch The VVitch with them
45. They do like it
46. You don’t
47. But who cares
48. Sleep
49. Have a big pancake breakfast with bacon
50. Hang out
51. Read in the sun with two dogs sleeping on top of you
52. Eat a lemon bar
53. Also about 40 miniature Milky Way bars
54. Your Uncle brings up the poster he printed for you on his work printer which is really nice because it needs to be able to print blueprints. It is a photo of an original Basquiat that was in one of his client’s homes. It is currently valued around 60 million dollars
55. He asks if you want anything else printed
56. Spend about 35 minutes looking up “Kanye West illustrations” on Pinterest
57. Find a watercolor where Kanye is painted like one of the founding fathers
58. Send it to your Uncle to print
59. Read vintage copies of National Lampoon (he has every issue ever printed) while he tries to print
60. He can’t get something right
61. Your Aunt comes down
62. She figures it out
63. Women are the best
64. Have more chili for dinner
65. Get into a conversation about female firefighters (Only 63 out of 10,000 in New York)
66. Transition into a conversation about sexual assault (Thanks Harvey Weinstein!)
67. Realize you have to be at the train station in like 15 min
68. Pack real quick
69. Say bye to your Aunt
70. Feel good but also kind of weird but also pretty sure she still loves you
71. Your Uncle drives you to the station
72. He takes this opportunity to tell you that you should get a real job because he’s worried about you and you could fall down and break your leg at any moment and wouldn’t be able to pay for it
73. You restrain yourself from saying that an accident shouldn’t put a person in debt if they’re not rich, healthcare should be a right not a privilege and that you’re pursuing comedy because you’re good at it and you want to be happy and make something in your life you’re proud of
74. But the train is like 5 minutes away and you still have to buy a ticket
75. Thank him for the weekend and leave the car
76. Buy the ticket
77. Find the platform
78. See two teenage girls carrying BOTTLES of vodka onto the train
79. Discover that it is legal to drink on this train
80. Regret not bringing any booze
81. Read your book
82. Transfer 2 more times
83. Hang your posters
84. Your friend Rachel who is from New York but lives in New Orleans is visiting!
85. Have a sleepover
86. She tells you you’ve lost weight
87. Bask in that for 1 million hours
88. Go to a diner in the morning
89. Get delicious food and a free egg cream
90. Go to a farmer’s market
91. Contemplate buying eucalyptus
92. Go to Rachel’s apartment
93. Talk on her roof
94. Get some CDs from a stoop sale/giveaway
95. Gym
96. Mic that you thought was a show that you also thought was a potluck
97. Show that is a show
98. You do a great job but you go first so a lot of the comics who came later didn’t see you
99. Go to a bar afterward
100. Get a free drink
101. Try to start writing monologue jokes for the Jimmy Kimmel packet you can’t tell if you’re going to submit yet
102. Get home kinda late
103. Sleep
104. Gym
105. Go to Molly’s house to write
106. Feel frustrated and frustrating
107. Have Thanksgiving leftovers
108. Wash her dishes as a thanks
109. Watch Rough Night
110. Write review
111. Hide from people in your apartment
112. Masturbate in the shower in a really meaningful way
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 37
1. Finally figure out what your full horoscope is
2. Watch some dvds from the library
3. Try to finish 600 pages in 6 hours because you have a library book you can’t renew
4. The lady at the library lets you just check it in and then check it back out again
5. Come home
6. Flirt with a very high employee at a hardware store
7. Assemble an IKEA shelf all by yourself!!
8. Go to a going away party for a comic
9. Have fun
10. See a guy you used to have a weird obsessive crush on who is really into conspiracy theories now
11. Go with him and 5 other comics and get the best Chinese food you’ve had in a long time
12. Get dropped off at a bus stop
13. Take the bus!!
14. Walked 18 minutes to a Planet Fitness to see if it could be your gym
15. Decide it could not
16. Walk 18 minutes home
17. Stop in a weird home goods/perfume/Christmas decorations store
18. Spend 15 dollars in a corner store on items for a grilled cheese
19. Make and eat a grilled cheese
20. Eat some perfectly good cookies out of the trash
21. See a job posting for an axe thrower
22. Freak out because that would be perfect for you in every way
23. Write a cover letter really fast and send it to your mom
24. She edits it and sends it back
25. Email the job
26. THEY CALL YOU WITHIN FIVE MINUTES
27. She wants to set up an interview for tomorrow but you can’t
28. She interviews you on the phone
29. SHE OFFERS YOU THE JOB!!!!!!!
30. YOU FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
31. Call your mom, thank her profusely
32. Go to a training session for escorts at a women’s clinic here
33. Hang out with your friend Charlie who’s dogsitting
34. Read him a story out loud about the Petticoat Rebellion
35. Eat pizza
36. Cuddle with a dog
37. Go home
38. Run into someone you’ve known since you were a baby at 1:00am at a train station in Brooklyn who you didn’t even know lived here
39. Wake up very early to go rug shopping with a friend
40. Get breakfast sandwiches for the drive
41. Drive 1.5 hours to go to an outlet mall in Long Island
42. Look at 1 million rugs
43. Buy none of the rugs
44. Have fun anyway
45. Drive 1.5 hours back
46. Talk about Louis CK and consent
47. Get dropped off at a bus station to meet a little girl you are babysitting
48. Worry that you missed her bus and fucked everything up and will be in trouble
49. You didn’t
50. Get her and her friend
51. Make them Annie’s mac & cheese that you eat so much of your stomach hurts for like 25 minutes afterward
52. Eat something called Buttermilk Frozen Yogurt that comes in flavors like “Brambleberry” and “Toasted Strawberry Lychee”
53. Manage the emotions of two young girls
54. Read some of your book
55. Get 120 dollars
56. Go home and stay in because you’re sleepy
57. Go to a 3:00pm show for mom’s and their babies
58. Perform stand up comedy for them
59. Truly struggle
60. Meet a little girl named Luna who WILL be President one day
61. Get a free drink
62. Stay for the mic after
63. Have a good set
64. Make a friend
65. Get invited to get dinner with some comics
66. Walk to another mic
67. It is a musical mic!
68. Sing a list of Porn Pet Peeves you have
69. It goes very well!
70. Go to a party at a friend’s house
71. Have a lovely experience buying a bottle of wine where everyone is kind and gives you free samples and doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself for wanting to buy a ten dollar bottle of wine
72. Get to the party
73. Eat your weight in Brie and prosciutto
74. Talk to a lot of different people and one cat
75. Take an Uber to a different party
76. Everyone is leaving as you arrive
77. Stay and talk about Quentin Tarantino with some guys who are there for the party but you don’t know
78. Wait 45 minute in varying degrees of rain for the bus
79. Get home finally
80. Pass out
81. Sleep in as much as you can
82. Stay inside all day
83. Have big plans for yourself
84. Accomplish none of them
85. Learn how to change drill bits
86. Call it a day
87. Accidentally heat a bagel almost to the point of fire
88. Spend the rest of the day trying to air out the smell of smoke before your new roommates get home and think you are incompetent
89. Watch a lot of The Office
90. Watch the movie Split
91. Make dinner
92. Drink 2 beers
93. Talk to your Grandma’s friend on the phone for an hour
94. Tell her you’re scared to go back to New Orleans and see your ex-boyfriend
95. She tells you about leaving her husband
96. Try to hang some curtains
97. Or even a ledge
98. To no avail
99. Feel defeated by some of this IKEA furniture
100. Talk to your friend who is in the middle of her 12 hour nursing shift
101. Realize you haven’t talked to your brother in a long time and you should call him
102. Masturbate in the shower
103. Email your new boss a date you can come train
104. See all your friends on The Office
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 36
1. Your friend visits
2. Go to shows with him
3. Get drunk in an LSU themed bar
4. Talk to a bouncer about oral sex
5. Pick up the key to your new apartment from a dog clinic
6. Have disappointing Middle Eastern food (nothing worse than dry lamb)
7. Meet a man from Eygpt who is nice
8. Hire a guy on TaskRabbit to help you move
9. Bond with him over Kanye West
10. Move
11. Get a bed and TV from the beach
12. Learn out of 10,000 firefighters in New York only about 60 are women
13. Be frustrated at how big your bed is in your room
14. Your mom is visiting!
15. Eat some of the best pasta you’ve ever had
16. See a play that is a mixture of Chicago and Wolf of Wallstreet
17. Get in a fight in public with your mom
18. Get asked by a security guard and a police officer to leave two different places
19. Feel so frustrated you want to explode
20. Don’t
21. Somehow get to a calmer place without really resolving anything
22. Cry forever
23. Get health insurance
24. Go to IKEA
25. Think about how good a date the IKEA food court would be
26. Get 170 dollars worth of shelves and boxes
27. Try to unpack everything
28. Go to Roosevelt Island to visit a 78 year old woman you might move in with after your sublet is up
29. Drink pink lemonade out of a goblet
30. Try to set up your new TV with your old DVD player, run into some obstacles
31. Go to Best Buy and Old Navy
32. Do a show where you get free wings
33. Get invited to someone’s Thanksgiving
34. Have dinner with your mom and her friends
35. Meet up with a friend from high school who’s in town
36. Get free fries and a beer for half price
37. Reminisce about Dr. Pepper chapstick
38. Get an exciting new book and 5 less exciting DVDs from the library
39. Eat a salad from Starbucks (would NOT recommend)
40. Think about 50x a day how you wish you had less stuff
41. Talk to your Uncle on the phone, he tells you one thing that fixes the TV and DVD player!!!!!
42. He invites you to Thanksgiving in Long Island with your Aunt
43. You agree!!!!!
44. Happily watch Saw
45. Drink 2 beers during the daytime
46. Get a piece accepted by McSweeneys!!
47. Do stand up at a fashion/activism show
48. Get judged on your outfit
49. Win
50. Take the bus for the first time
51. Walk a mile in the rain
52. Eat more chicken nuggets than you have in three years
53. See a different play with your mom
54. She and her friend leave at intermission
55. You stay because you like to give things a chance also because the tickerts were 80 dollars
56. Stay for the talkback after the play
57. Learn some interesting theories about time
58. Get a look of disgust from SEVERAL elderly white people for existing
59. See a man using a computer inside a locked empty Apple store at 11:47pm
60. Walk 2 miles in rain boots that are a size too big
61. Meet a drummer and music teacher on the train having a wonderful conversation, get off in the middle of it because you’re at your stop
62. Make too much eye contact with a little girl on the train who is reading with her mom because you can’t tell if she thinks she’s better than you
63. Have a second conversation with each of your new roommate’s separately
64. Hit it off with one of their boyfriend’s because your brother taught you about good anime
65. Eat 4 Fruit Punch Jolly Ranchers which you don’t even really like, but these are desperate times
66. Make a plan to watch SNL at a friend’s house
67. You both cancel within 30 minutes
68. Try to empty all the miscellaneous bags you have stacked in your closet with little to no success
69. Watch Juno on DVD
70. Remember that you like it even if the writing seems a tad bit heavy handed
71. Solidify your love of Jason Bateman
72. Stress think about how you’re going to hang a ledge by yourself
73. And assemble/hang all/any of the furniture things you got from IKEA
74. Watch Spiderman on DVD
75. See that your friend got engaged to someone she’s been dating for three weeks
76. The world finds out Louis CK masturbates in front of women
77. Get followed by someone called “Salad Bae” on Instagram
78. Find a handwritten note in your Grandma’s things that says, “Thank you God for everything you gave me and thank you more for everything you took"
79. Realize that her generation of women was strong in a way you will never have to be
80. Feel grateful
81. Miss three calls over a period of a few days from one of your best friends who is going through a breakup
82. Feel awful you haven’t been able to call her back
83. Text her at midnight to say that even though she’s in nursing school and you don’t want to wake her up but you feel like if you don’t do it now you’ll forget for way longer
84. She texts back, she’s on a clinical rotation and at the hospital til 7:00am
85. Finally take your Social Security card out of your wallet which apparently you’re not supposed to keep there?
86. Fantasize about having sex in your bed with a man that you trust and are attracted to
87. Think about joining a gym
88. Miss your gym when you look them up and they aren’t 24 hours
89. Think about eating salmon
90. Talk to your dad
91. Talk to your Grandma
92. Think about calling your brother
93. Eat salmon
94. Watch more DVDs
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