#bc that would totally not encourage the person to feel ‘different’ while they’re in a dissociated headspace

[ttransthirteen]

My psych teacher said some really fucked up things about DID but I can’t complain to anyone about it bc they’ll be like. Why are you so upset about it. And how do you know she isn’t right. Also nobody gives a shit or understands the nuances enough to get why I’m complaining I’d assume.

[the-travelling-witch]

so this is the last time i'm making a post like this bc honestly i don't want to encourage (what i assume to be one person) sending multiple asks, when i've expressed on multiple occasions that im much more comfortable with packing all of it into one ask

i know that sounds so rude of me and if it had been a one time thing i wouldn't have said anything but apparently it's affecting me to a point where i'd rather close anon asks + i feel like if i already express my boundaries i’d also like them to be met, i think that's fair considering it's my blog

i read through the post i made last year when a similar thing happened and i closed anon asks and honestly a lot of it is still applicable rn, so i'll reblog it after this as a reminder (though it can always be found in my rules)

anyway into the last anon asks i got before closing them

[re: this ask]

yes, i said what i said, heizou (in this au) has always had them, as i’ve said here and on his aesthetic page

well i can see why people would call it purple (bc of ei, inazuma, electro etc) but i think in that regard it’s even more important that it’s a different shade; but yeah, it probably looked more purple(ish) during his fatui days since his outfit had more purples and reds in it (i know the ask wasn’t that serious but i love reading into stuff okay ㅠㅠ)

[re: this au]

first of all, i hope your eye is okay!!

i really like the au and want to keep writing for it bit by bit as inspo gets to me; also i personally like hades a lot, the aesthetic and vibe are totally up my alley + i like the roguelite gameplay a lot, so it depends a lot on if you like that kind of stuff (if you do, i think it’s a good choice)

[re: this post]

yeah i studied it for like 7 years!!

[re: this post]

well i wouldn’t necessarily tag the yandere label on (all of) them, i don’t think it fits in this case; but yeah if the love interests wouldn’t want to make you look into the games they would not be doing their jobs lol ㅠㅠ

on that note, i’ve wanted to pick up piofiore again recently but haven’t gotten around to it yet (it’s a console game, so ikemen games are more accessible and also technically free to play, piofiore isn’t)

i honestly don’t know when season 2 started bc i wasn’t really fixating on bllk for a while, but you can clearly tell that they’re straining their animators, so i’d personally say reading the manga is the better choice atm (also bc my favourite menace is currently still manga only jshsh)

but, once again, i’m dragging people into fandoms with me, the marketing expert strikes again :]

[leclerced]

Is angel going to get togheter with Charles too?

sorry i wrote kinda lot ab this oopsies hehe

i think angel is just w landoscar!! her and charles are besties for life but i can’t really see them having a fourth person in their relationship tbh bc we established that angel is so obsessed with oscar and lando they’re all she thinks about unless seb is around, so in my head she wouldn’t see charles as an option if that makes sense? she knows he’s hot, but it never crosses her mind bc oscar and lando have ruined sex for her in a way, at least with other people. if she ever thinks about anyone else, she’s immediately comparing them to her boyfriends, thinking no one will ever know her body like they do so it’s not even worth it. bringing up seb again bc of this brain, and this brain rot. i think after oscar and lando haved fucked her while teasing her about seb, she’s just laying there thinking about how seb is most definitely good in bed, but she’s certain there’s no way he could eat pussy the way lando or oscar does. there’s no way he could make her feel the way her boyfriends do. she entertains the fantasy when she’s around seb and it’s all she can think about, but then they kinda ruin it for her when they give her eight orgasms while telling her how much better than anyone else they are, how no one can make her feel as good as they do. she really believes it.

maybe her and charles fool around a few times just because the trio wants her to have more experience, all three of them agree on it but it wouldn’t be like blindfold universe, they want her to experience sex without them. maybe after teasing her about seb so much, they don’t want her to regret not exploring when she was younger so they encourage her to explore her sexuality a little. maybe they suggest charles or she chooses him because she trusts him. she’s back to her super shy innocent self the next time they hang out because she wants to ask him about it. he instantly notices her mood is different and he’s very sweet and concerned, trying to make sure she’s okay. angel is enamored by how careful he’s being with her when she just came over for an impromptu movie night, or so he thinks, but he’s checking on her and she feels so comfortable with him bc of it and after he’s asked her if she’s okay a dozen times a dozen different ways she says like, “i promise i’m okay! i just… i wanted to ask you something.”

he’s very reassuring and says she can ask him anything, she is his best friend and he trusts her more than anyone, so whatever is bothering her, she can talk to him about. he’s assuming it’s something personal about her, maybe her relationship or career. but then she’s telling him about how she wants to experiment more and how oscar and lando want her to before she settles down with them, because she never got the opportunity like they did. he’s like “oh okay, i get it! i’ll totally be your wingman lets go out!! no wonder you look so good tonight let me get ready!” and she gets so flustered and quiet when she says, “well- i was kinda hoping, um, maybe you would wanna? i trust you… i don’t want to do it with a stranger.”

charles is so endeared by her and is asking if she’s sure, if the boyfriends are okay and if they know that’s why she came over. he asks how it came up, why she chose him other than just trust and then teases her a little about seb. says they’re old friends from when they teammates, so he knows he’s good. they talk for at least an hour before he agrees because he wants to make sure they’re both fully on board and comfortable with everything. they lay down some ground rules, he asks what she’s expecting and her likes and dislikes, anything along those lines. she does the same and then it’s late and he’s driving her home after they’ve made plans for that weekend. she thought it would happen that night, but charles didn’t want her first time with someone else to be rushed, especially considering how nervous she was about asking him about it. he tells her to think about it over the next few days and they’ll talk about it again on saturday and if she still wants to, they will.

[kouhaiofcolor]

So I’ve had this in my drafts for a while bc I wanted to give a thorough response to this. I didn’t intend for it to be as loaded as it turned out (and I feel kinda bad for that), but my energy from the op is still strong on this & I wanted to follow up on it.

While i agree there was a lot of derailing around the point of the nhc behind algorithmic antiblackness, colorism, texturism and the like — what’s unfortunately beginning to chip at these “Natural hair is too expensive/time consuming to invest in” defenses, is legitimately how much more time, energy and money is spent & lost among Black Women on weaves, wigs, sew-ins, perms, etc. Esp throughout the course of our lives in prevalence. Because, the thing is…. it doesn’t have to be time consuming. It never had to be. It’s doesn’t have to be expensive, either. It doesn’t have to be an investment in consumerism — when it’s supposed to be an investment in yourself.

The knowledge members of the nhc imparted on us (those true to cultural relevance on textured hair and brown or dark skin), were supposed to be tools and a means for investing in the health of our hair. Part of us that the things we’re more attached to as Black Women (on the basis of Black hair care) actually harms. How is the ‘cost’ of that ample grounds for outright just not learning (as someone Black in an antiblack world literally sustained on tearing Black Women apart), how to do your own hair though? I always get lost there w the assortment of excuses for this — even in the face of direct influences from white supremacy & antiblackness in general.

Even if you feel totally adverse to doing it for yourself, why just opt for continuing to damage your hair (*part of your appearance) w maintenance that has proven to kill it over short & long periods of time? I really don’t get it. Even for what’s left of the nhc today that absolutely pales in comparison to its heyday, i still see and encounter a lot of Black Women actively walking back all the progress the movement tried and intended to make to soften and better understand the representation of Black hair. There’s nothing wrong w liking/wearing your hair short as a Black Woman; nothing at all (like I’ve had to backpedal and rephrase, length is not & was not the endgame for the nhc or what I was pressing in my op).

But why should we just hold onto the things that truthfully some of the most hateful stereotypes about us are based on? What logical sense does that make? What sense does it make to reinforce this resistant mentality among future generations of Black Girls & Black Women? Esp when they’re harmful to our actual livelihood??? (<—that one gets me the most). Black Women did plenty of tests & research w valid trials & error as to figuring out the key to maintaining optimal health for textured hair. I’d consider that sacrifice — bc who else would have or was going to do it for us? Even if you can’t go natural for you for xyz, whats stopping you from retaining what you can learn to esteem other Black People about their hair?

All the benefit doesn’t have to be for you personally. You could engage & still wear weave; could learn & still wear protective styles; could still wear your hair short & encourage other Black Women to practice good habits to enhance the health of their own hair. You can still wear weave & discourage little Black Girls being introduced to perms & protective styles that have proven to do harm. Educating yourself could be the difference between someone else Black being charged an arm & a leg to see stylists who have a laundry list of reservations about doing textured hair itfp — or damaging their own hair w the bad habits/norms that are already unique to how Black hair is & has been commonly maintained. Where do you lose in that?

This is what gets me about that audio/vid that keeps resurfacing where that Black Woman is beside herself on TikTok telling the world that Black Women are generally incapable of growing their hair at all — based on the same ignorance she’s obviously more comfortable (dare I say complacent) surmising about black women than unlearning about black hair in general. And in the face of it, all I’m seeing Black Women w natural hair (long & short) do is have to come forward (all over again, like we haven’t been more than diligent in disproving this kind of recycled nonsense already) to negate her w actuality. And even w the follow ups that prove otherwise, that vid is still doing rounds across platforms. Which do you think is more likely? That that video convinces ppl that she was just ignorant, or that the racist notions people already have about Black Women’s hair anyway are sound?

Something else particularly stank about the vid imo that I haven’t seen or heard attention brought to, is how she literally made it to specifically slander Black women. There were no stabs at Black men, or Black people’s hair at large. She gunned specifically for Black Women’s hair (and ofc excluding women mixed w Black for obv texturist reasons), w this blatant conviction to shame & discredit us alone — as if our hair is something separate not just from “the hair of non black women”, but separate from our men’s as well.

It’s all ‘it’s too expensive & time consuming to take care of our own hair’ up until a new wave of misogynoir specific to Black women’s hair revs on the internet. Then it routinely shifts to us having to follow up w educating the world about how the colonization of Black hair & widespread misogynoir (still) has Black women by the throat. But the world knows how they treat us tho. What does that have to do w your relationship w your hair? All I’m saying is it’s not always gonna be the informational rebuttal it’s been used as. Esp considering all the money we as Black Women openly pour into the cosmetic industry on hair as is.

Because the thing is, weave is expensive too; wigs and protective styles have their cost-cons too. I have definitely seen enough content & heard enough stances on this by & among Black Women to be aware that these avenues for hair care are far more expensive than what’s portrayed ab maintaining natural hair. There’s tons of buyer’s remorse spoken on among Black Women who put bad, demanding or inconsiderate stylists on blast & discourage paying for their services. But is there any prevalent encouragement to maybe look into more personal reasons to learn how to take care of your hair yourself? Of course not. Because it’s too “challenging and/or expensive”, right?

I’m not shaming us, I’m just saying…. it can get tiring. It does get tiring. It’s getting old & becoming harder to defend when it’s something we opt for just bc we don’t “want to” take care or our actual hair (which is another justification I’ve seen rise to popularity as an “end of discussion” sort of gesture). It’s keeping us right where we are. It’s stunting our minds, awareness, & willingness to learn as well as unlearn. I just see where we make excuses — even at the risk of making some upset w this take. Black Women definitely have reasons, unlike any other women on the face of the earth, to have a strained relationship or compromised sense of self when it comes to how we identify w our hair. Because of white supremacy, misogynoir, colorism, texturism, featurism, yes, yes; undoubtedly. But I also definitely worry that we’ve been far too comfortable just putting our hair away under something else if not someone else’s texture.

I don’t think this is beneficial for little Black Girls; I don’t think it’s ever really been lucrative for Black Women. At the same time I also understand that, even as a Black Woman, it’s not my business what other Black Women choose to do w their hair. I just genuinely do not understand why we keep defending doing the same outdated things yet expecting different modern results. It gets so incredibly confusing sometimes.

I really miss the natural hair community & watching natural hair content generally. That was so good for Black Women; we were thriving at it, too. And as rapidly as it rose to popularity, it’s crazy how dead the whole concept is now. I think it had more to do w all the division created over routines around maintenance than anything else. Everybody was entirely too pushy w trying to make what worked for them personally a staple for taking care of textured hair in general — & that shit walked so that colorism, featurism, texturism & misogynoir could run. Now the same ppl who was riding the wave a few years ago & swearing by all these products, brands, sponsors, wash day & styling methods have put natural hair away as a concept entirely.

Also, why the hell did we waste all that energy prefacing everything w, “Stop doing this and do these things for your hair to grow to tailbone length overnight🤡” — just to go right back to weave and perms? All that researching for what? All the dedication to disproving antiblack/misogynoir notions about Black hair for what? All the redefining of protective styles for what? All the trying to unlearn the belief structures around the colonization of Black hair for what? What did we teach ourselves fr? How did we make things any easier for Black Women and little Black girls? It’s tragic af. The Natural Hair Community/Movement is dead, it seems like. I don’t think we fought hard enough to prevent what happened to it honestly :\

[mehidktbh]

Okay okay okay I’m back and this request is kiiiiinnnndaaa similar to the other one in a way but like also different sorta.

How about the same three boys (my favorite angels💕) Tommy, Jason, and RZ Mikey with a reader who is just not strong. I lost my muscle and am now just generally a physically weak person. When I think about the big strong slashers, I lowkey kinda like feeling weak bc they’re just so large and I’m kinda sorta rly submissive (as previously mentioned lmao😳)…

Like how would they react to a weak reader who lowkey likes that the slashers are so much stronger. It could be playful wrestling matches, them just showing off, anything honestly.

I loved your last one so so much and again, take as much time as you need and pls don’t overwhelm yourself because I totally get it! Thank you so much💕

A/N: Omg yes! I can relate so much, I just want a strong man in my life. Is that too much to ask for :( But thank you sm!! You are so sweet and I always cry when you request stuff, you are too kind!

THOMAS HEWITT

- He adores you...

- No joke.

- But come on how can he not, we all know Thomas will love you either way!

- He is into anyone and all body types so when he sees that you don't have that much muscle this man is falling head over heels for you. You're so cute and he is definitely protective over you, keeping you away from any victims or his family. He knows how his family can act and feed on the vulnerable and we all know Thomas would rather die than see that.

- Though if you're thinking about hoping to get your muscles up, good luck. Unless you actually talk to Thomas and tell him that you want to be more muscle he probably won't let you carry anything heavy. Your carrying plates? Nope, it's his now, Picking up something that's heavy and you're bending your back a little bit too much? NO! Didn't you know how much that could hurt you Y/N!? Shame on you >:(

- Also you can't tell me this man wouldn't give you piggyback rides 24/7! Or carry you around all day.

- if you want to do playful wrestling matches with him he is so down. I mean he always goes soft at you, but in the end, he'll let you win and always exaggerate how exhausted he is, just to get his point across on how you won the game fair and square.

JASON VOORHEES

- *Cough* Size kink? *Cough*

- Jason all very much adores you, I mean who wouldn't.

- Through I think Jason would also maybe let you exercise, you know... Gotta keep that muscle up now Y/N! Through can you imagine waking up early just to go outside in the freezing cold while Jason hands you a bunch of logs to do wights with. SO CUTE!

- I mean Jason would be your personal coach, he cheers you on from the side and encourages you to keep going. But also making sure to force enough water down your throat, gotta stay hydrated.

- But then again Jason also doesn't mind if you don't want to excise, he is happy with the way you are now. He's like Thomas, he will love you no matter how you look.

- If you ever bring up about playful wrestling matches he'll be nervous at first but agree after some time. And when you finally get to play he's just standing/sitting there waiting for you to make the first move. And he'll also be extremely soft, and also let you win every game :)

- He'll also make sure you're eating enough food, plenty of greens and iron in there. Through some times he will need his mother's help and others he'll let you lead.

RZ MICHAEL MYERS

- Omg the thought of him lined up against your body, he is amazed.

- Michael is super caring and supportive of you, he is always happy coming home to your caring face and warm hugs. He'll always pick you up no breeze and maybe swing around a little.

- He would never really make you work out just to get your muscles up, you look perfect and an angel the way you are now. Why change that? If you are really into getting your muscles up and stuff, Michael would be more than happy to help you or instead watch intensely at the gym as you work out instead.

- He'll make sure you eat right and always have enough iron in your food. Through he knows your more than okay to keep up with feeding yourself.

- And if you ever bring up wanting to have some playful wrestling matches with him, he'll say yes! Michael wouldn't be ruff but he wouldn't be so soft either, his man won't push your limits but he will know much he respects you as a human by making sure he doesn't go too soft on you.

- And if you like your matches ruff then oh God, your in for a ride with him. He'll happily let himself win some matches much too your complaining and sometimes he'll let you win.

[nevermindirah]

Do you have any thoughts on the use of AAVE for Nile (or lack thereof) in TOG fanfiction? I've been reading some Book of Nile fic and some writers seem to write her as a Millennial™ (using words like "fave" and "woke") but never acknowledge her Blackness in her patterns of speech. I know we don't see her use as much AAVE in the films, but I would argue she's in situations where code-switching would be valued (first in a "professional" environment in the army, then around a group of non-Black strangers).

Hi anon! I have many thoughts on this and I'm honored you asked me! But I should start by saying I'm white and any thoughts Black fans and especially Black American fans have on this that they want to share would be beyond lovely. (I'm not gonna tag anybody bc that feels rude but please add onto this post if any of y'all see this and want to!)

The main reason I personally avoid AAVE for Nile in my own fics is because I'm not Black. But Nile-centric fics by Black writers tend to avoid using much of it too, at least from what I've noticed/understood, and my guess is it's largely for the reason you mention, that she's in situations that encourage code-switching.

In movie canon Nile is highly competent at tailoring her language to each situation she finds herself in. This fantastic linguistics analysis meta shows how skillfully Nile chooses her vocabulary and grammar to meet her goals with different conversation partners in different contexts. In comics canon Nile had a bunch of different civilian jobs before joining the Marines, so she would've had experience code-switching in the ways that made sense for all those different contexts as well as the Marines and her family and high school and wherever else she spent her time before we met her. And now she's spending her time with a handful of immortals none of whom are native English speakers and a fellow Black American but one with a Queen's English UK accent whose professional experience is in the CIA where high-status code-switching is often an absolute must for success or even survival.

Fics featuring Nile are charged with extrapolating from that to how it might show up in her use of language that she's coping with a traumatic separation from her family and her career and pretty much everything she's ever known and now she needs to be able to make herself understood to people who seem to care about her and each other but are super duper in crisis, three (soon to be four) of whom predate Modern English entirely and the only one who's anywhere near her contemporary she's not supposed to talk to for a century. All of these people are telling her that pretty much any contact with any mortals poses an existential threat to her and the rest of the group. How the FUCK is she supposed to cope with that, like, generally? And would it be a more effective way for her to cope if she talked to Andy Joe and Nicky using the speech patterns that she used to use with her mom and brother, to at least retain that part of her identity even if it means having to do a lot of explaining, or would it meet her needs better to prioritize Andy Joe and Nicky understanding what she means with her words over using the particular words and grammar forms she used with her family?

I've seen several fics, both Nile-centric / BoN and otherwise, explore this a little bit in how/whether Nile uses Millennial™ speak. It's often a theme in Nile texting Booker despite the exile because of the popular headcanon that he as The Tech Guy is the only other immortal who understands memes. But Nile's much-younger-than-Booker mom probably uses Boomer and/or Gen X memes and Andy has been adapting to new communication styles for forever as evidenced by her canon high level of fluency with standard-American-accented English.

Which brings us back to people avoiding AAVE because they're not Black and they don't want to make mistakes (or they're not Black and they don't want to get yelled at for making mistakes, though I think many people overestimate how much they'll get yelled at while underestimating how much these mistakes can hurt). I can imagine some Black fans hold back from using much AAVE in fic because they don't want to share in-group stuff with white people who are likely to then adopt and ruin it, as white people so often do with Black cultural stuff. Some links about this including a great Khadija Mbowe video. I'm saying this gently, anon, because you might not know: woke, an example you cited as Millennial™ speak, is AAVE, and that's gotten erased by so many white people appropriating it and using it incorrectly online.

And also there's the part where fandom is a hobby and you never know when you're reading a fic that's the very first thing someone's ever written outside of a school assignment. This cultural considerations of language shit takes a level of effort and skill that not everybody puts into every fic, or even could if they wanted to because they haven't had time to build their skills yet. It's definitely easier for non-Black fans to project our millennial feels onto Nile than to do the layers of research and self-reflection it requires to depict what Blackness might mean to Nile, and it's not surprising that often people sharing their hobby creations on the internet have gone the easier route. There's not even necessarily shame in doing what's easier. It's just frustrating and often hurtful when structural white supremacy means that 3-dimensional Black characters are rare in media and thoughtful explorations of them in fandom are seen by the majority of fans as not-easy to make and therefore Nile Freeman, the main character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood, has the least fic and meta and art made about her of our 5 main immortals.

I've been active in different fandoms off and on for twenty years and I barely managed to write 5,000 words about Sam Wilson across multiple different fics in the 7 years since I fell in love with him. There's an alchemy to which characters we connect with, and on top of that which characters we connect with in a way that causes us to create stuff about them. Something about Nile Freeman finally tipped me over the edge from a voracious reader to a voracious writer. It's not for me to judge which characters speak to other individuals to the level of creating content about them, but I do think it's important for us to notice, and then work to fight, the pattern where across this fandom as a whole Nile gets way less content, and way less depth in so much of the content that's in theory about her, than any of these other characters.

Anyway, back to language. My two long fics feature Nile with several Black friends — Copley and OCs and cameos from other media — but all of those characters except Alec Hardison from Leverage aren't American. It's very possible I'm guilty of stereotyping Black British speech patterns in I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore. I watched hours and hours of Black haircare YouTube videos in the research for that fic and I modeled my OCs' speech patterns on what I heard from some of those YouTubers as well as what I've heard people like John Boyega and Idris Elba saying in interviews, but the thing about doing your best is you still might fuck up.

I'm slowly making progress on my WIP where Nile and Sam Wilson are cousins, and what ways of talking with a family member might be authentic for Nile is a major question I need to figure out. For that, I'm largely modeling my writing choices on how I hear my Black friends and colleagues talking to each other. I haven't overheard colleagues talking in an office in a long-ass time, but back when that was a thing, I remember seeing a ton of nuance in the different ways many of my Black colleagues would talk to each other. Different people have different personalities! And backgrounds! And priorities! A few jobs ago my department was about 1/3 Black and we worked closely with Obama administration staff many of whom were Black and there was SO MUCH VARIETY in how Black people talked to each other, about work and workplace-appropriate personal stuff, where I and other white coworkers could hear. There are a few work friends in particular who I have in my head when I'm trying to imagine how Sam and Nile might talk to each other. From the outside looking in, God DAMN is shit complicated, intellectually and interpersonally and spiritually, for Black people who are devoting their professional lives to public service in the United States.

One more aspect of this that I have big thoughts on but I need to take extra care in talking about is the idea of acknowledging Nile's Blackness in her patterns of speech. There's no one right way to be Black, and Nile's a fictional character created by a white dude but there are plenty of real-life Black Americans who don't use much or even any AAVE, for reasons that are complicated because of white supremacy. (Highly highly recommend this video by Shanspeare on the harms of the Oreo stereotype.)

Something that's not the same but has enough similarity that I think it's worth talking about is my personal experience with authenticity and American Jewish speech patterns. My Jewish family members don't talk like they're in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I've known lots of people who do talk that way (or the millennial version of it), some of whom have questioned my Jewishness because I don't talk that way. That hurts me. Sometimes when another Jew tells me some shit like "I've never heard a Jew say y'all'd've," I can respond with "well now you have asshole, bless your Yankee-ass heart," because the myth of Dixie is a racist lie but I will totally call white Northerners Yankees when they're being shitty to me for being Southern, and this particular Jew fucking revels in using "bless your heart" with maximum polite aggression, especially with said Yankees. But sometimes I don't have it in me to say anything and it just quietly hurts having an important part of me disbelieved by someone who shares that important part of me. The sting isn't quite the same when non-Jews disbelieve or discount my Jewishness, but that hurts too.

Who counts as authentically Jewish is a messy in-group conversation and it doesn't really make sense to explain it all here. Who counts as authentically Jewish is a matter of legal status for immigration, citizenship, and civil rights in Israel, and it's my number 2 reason after horrific treatment of Palestinians that I'm antizionist. But outside that extremely high-stakes legal situation, it can just feel really shitty to not be recognized as One Of Us, especially by your own people.

It can also feel really shitty to be The Only One of Your Kind in a group, even if that group is an immortal chosen family who all loves each other dearly. Sometimes especially in a situation like that where you know those people love you but there are certain things they don't get about you and will never quite be able to. I'm definitely projecting at least a little bit of my "lonely Jew who will be alone again for yet another Jewish holiday" stuff onto Nile when at the end of I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore she's thinking about being the only Black immortal and moving away from the community she'd built with a mostly-Black group of mortals in that fic. Maybe that tracks, or maybe that's fucked up of me.

Basically, this got very long but it's complicated, writing about experiences that aren't your own takes skill which in turn takes time and practice to build, writing about experiences not your own that our society maligns can cause a lot of harm if done badly, it can also cause a lot of harm when a large enough portion of a fandom just decides to nope out of something that's difficult and risky because then there's just not much content about a character who deserves just a shit ton of loving and nuanced content, people are individuals and two people who come from the exact same cultural context might show that influence in all kinds of different ways, identity is complicated, language is complicated, writing is hard, and empathy and humility and doing our best aren't a guarantee of avoiding harm but they do go a long way in helping people create thoughtful content about a character as awesome and powerful and kind and messy and scared and curious and WORTHY as Nile Freeman.

[mimzy-writing-online]

Hello. I had a question regarding your post about blind characters. I have a character in my WIP that must cover their eyes.. but it’s blind. He may need to tell people he is blind to explain why he covers his eyes though. I was wondering how I might write this character without offending. Thank you :)

I think I want to start by explaining the “covering blind eyes” trope and why it has become a harmful trope. I think understanding why it’s hurtful helps everyone learn how to handle it better.

I would guess that the “blind people wear sunglasses” trope comes from Hollywood for the specific reason of 1. wanting to signal to the audience that the character is obviously blind and 2. avoid breaking the suspension of disbelief by preventing the audience from catching the sighted actor look at visual stimuli (because disabled characters are almost always played by able actors).

But this changed the way the public expects to experience blindness. If watching a sighted actor wear sunglasses and say he’s blind is all the exposure to the blind community a person has had, that’s the only model of blindness they’ll recognize. If they meet a blind person in real life who doesn’t wear sunglasses, it’s going to break this built perception and cause an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. 

And then there is the common “cloudy-white blank gaze” that pops up in media. It stems from the fact that cataracts is the most common cause of blindness and the appearance of severe cataracts is a cloudy film in the eyes obscuring the iris and pupil. It can also alter what color a person’s eyes appears to be, making them appear paler and grey in the beginning and then as the cataract advances it becomes more yellow/brown and alters a person’s vision to appear more yellow tinted.

There are lots of other eye conditions that makes the eyes look visibly different. Albinism for instance affects the color and structure of the iris. Eyes might be congenitally misshapen. The muscles might be weak or not work and one or both eyes point significantly outward. Someone who was born blind and experienced no visual stimuli might also have weak muscles around their eyes because they never had a reason to focus their eyes on anything.

And unfortunately humans have the habit of feeling uncomfortable when they meet someone who looks very obviously different from the norm, whether that’s a personal style choice (hair color and style, tattoos, clothing choices) or something they can’t help (a visible disability, skin color, scars). 

To the paragraph above, @gothhabiba replied with:  “it's very weird & ahistorical to claim that racism or ableism are some kind of natural "human" trait.. like frankly it's apologia”

You’re right, I wasn’t thinking beyond that generalization or assumption.

Perhaps a better way to put it is: I was raised in a society where I was taught from childhood to think that there was only one kind of human being to be. White, cis, straight, abled, conservative. That’s a very western thing and that’s a thing I’m going to constantly be unlearning.

Racism and ableism and homophobia aren’t innate, that’s a western thing that was forced onto the rest of the world by colonialism. And because western media created this idea that the world is white, abled, cis, straight, and Christian-value leaning, it taught people to think that was the norm so that seeing someone different from that archetype would cause a cognitive dissonance, which causes discomfort.

And instead of working past that cognitive dissonance to learn more and realize there’s so much more to life than media taught you, society encourages you to ignore that cognitive dissonance by sticking your head in the sand-- or TV screen.

So combine these two tropes or common beliefs together and you get something a little dangerous: the idea that blind people cover their eyes because they look obviously different and they’re ashamed (or should be ashamed) of that.

And if you’re someone who’s just gone blind or who was born blind and you have little to no contact with the blind community, then this societal belief that you should be ashamed of how your eyes look becomes detrimental to your self-esteem and further builds internalized ableism.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve read or watched a blind character cover their eyes with sunglasses because they were ashamed of how their eyes looked. And I distinctly remember a few times where a sighted friend of the character was trying to convince them to stop wearing sunglasses because there’s nothing wrong with looking different--which is true, but it plays into this fantasy of being the perfect abled ally who saves the blind character from being miserable. 

In an ideal world, the character has no reason to believe looking different is a bad thing or diminishes their worth or makes people dislike them. And if they develop this belief, it’s more likely that someone more involved in the disabled community, most likely someone disabled themselves, will set them straight. Or that the character will learn to accept themselves on their own, looks included.

But there are some perfectly valid reasons for any blind person to wear sunglasses. They might have an interest in fashion and sunglasses complete the look they’re going for. They could want to protect their eyes from UV rays while they’re outside. They may experience light sensitivity and sunglasses reduces any discomfort or pain. Those are incredibly common reasons to wear sunglasses whether you’re sighted or blind.

But there are some more complicated situations.

In your words, your character must cover his eyes. You never specified why, so my primary guess is that he has some kind of power that is unpleasant or has devastating affects and the only way to prevent it is to keep his eyes covered. My primary guess stems from this post where an anon and I discussed a retelling of Medusa, a hypothetical blinding of oneself to avoid ever killing anyone ever again, and what I think I would do if I was in that scenario.

So how do you write a blind character who must cover their eyes and avoid some of the complications?

1. Your character must always have the ability to say “fuck off, it’s my business, I don’t have to tell you why I’m blind or why I cover my eyes.”

Most blind people really, really don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of why they’re blind and how they feel about it and what it’s like being blind with a stranger they’ll never see again or a new acquaintance they don’t know well yet. You have exceptions to that rule where sure, educating the public about blindness is a thing you want to do and you’re committed to helping your community, but I still have days where I don’t want to talk about being blind or disclose my medical crap.

And if someone doesn’t respect their right to their privacy or pushes too much, the blind character is allowed to be angry, is allowed to tell them off and complain without anyone else in the situation vilifying them or saying they’re “overreacting” and “should have just disclosed private information because big deal or whatever.” If they are angry, that’s their right, and it’s not unreasonable, it doesn’t make them a bad person.

2. Your character should not be ashamed of being blind or of covering their eyes. It is a part of their life, they’re used to it by now, even if they weren’t in the beginning.

The shame and internalized ableism is something that should be written about, but that’s for an own-voices story with a blind author. I don’t think an abled person will ever be able to understand how much society expects you to hate yourself and your disability because “being disabled is a tragic thing that ruins your life” and how that does affect your mental health, self esteem, your relationships with others, your medical care, and what kind of accommodations you can get.

3. It wouldn’t hurt to have a few sarcastic lines in response to uncomfortable conversations.

Stranger: so what’s with the...

Blind Character: what’s with what?

S: the... you know

BC: you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific

S: Your eyes?

BC: They’re... eyes

S: but you’re...

BC: Blind?

S: uh...

BC: yeah, I’m blind. *walks away*

Or this conversation:

S: *to some other character* so why are his eyes covered?

(author’s note: which, honestly, that’s fucking rude. At least have the guts to ask me yourself)

BC: If I look anyone in the eye they instantly perish.

*awkward silence*

BC: instantly.

Friend: It’s truly tragic

BC: *melancholic* that’s how I lost my sister. *chokes up* She was so young

Or this conversation:

S: Why are you wearing that?

BC: It’s called fashion Karen!

Or this conversation:

S: are you like... blind?

BC: yes?? why wouldn’t I be?? Wait, are you sighted? Are you one of those sighted people? You poor thing! What caused you to gain your sight? Do you have a car? A bike? Were you born sighted? What’s it like to see color? Do you miss not having to see 

God, I want a chance to try that last one. I haven’t interacted with a stranger in almost a year. One day...

4. Honestly, it’d also be cool if someone’s reaction to your character covering their eyes was like, “cool sunglasses,” or “cool *insert random character, even one you made up* cosplay,” (which is ten times funnier if this character is a notable figure in modern society like an actor who people might cosplay). 

5. You know, if he’s covering his eyes with some kind of blindfold, he should totally have custom blindfolds for his moods. Like, I have a mask that says “suck it up buttercup” and another that says “not today” because sometimes that’s the mood. And sometimes the mood is one of my floral masks, and sometimes the mood is my cat mask.

So, just some thoughts. I hope that helps.

Edit: a commenter said: “op, unless i'm mistaken this kind of reads like anon meant the character ISN'T blind but lies about being blind to explain covering their eyes? it seems like they made a typo on the word "isn't"”

So my original response to the question was based on the assumption that the character is blind. However,

If the character is not blind, then do not under any circumstances have them lie and say they’re blind to escape a mild inconvenience. 

It’s better to have the character actually explain the situation or straight up leave the conversation or invent a more ridiculous lie than to perpetuate the very real stereotype and misconception that there are people who fake being blind and therefore it’s okay to discriminate or harass them if you even suspect they’re faking.

Do not under any circumstances perpetuate that stereotype. Do not harass someone because you don’t think they’re blind enough.

[wkemeup]

hi um so I didn’t have a great day at work today, I’m 20 yrs old and generally a pretty quiet person if I don’t know u very well and I work with like adults who have children and are married so it’s awk bc idk what to even talk to them abt and then sometimes whenever they do start a convo w me they bring up how I’m quiet and it really doesn’t help at all it just makes me shrink even more into myself :( like there was one comment made a while ago that I should have a bell (so u could like hear me ig idk) or they would straight up say that they forgot I was there or today when a comment was made how I should work on it and sit down with this person and talk for 15 min each day (like it’s all in a joking connotation but like it still hits me ya know?) I had 2 more hrs of my shift and I was just tryin not to cry, just ugh :(

I’m sorry that happened to you 😔 I think people sometimes try to make conversation and it comes out awkward or uncomfortable, especially when it’s a subject that makes you feel insecure. It sounds like it’s not their intention and they’re teasing to try to help you feel more comfortable but that’s clearly not what’s happening. The important thing to take away here is that you are still whole and important and valued, even if you’re quiet or shy or uncomfortable in social situations.

If your goal is to try to overcome this, I’d encourage you to find other things in common with them. I actually also work with a lot of people older than me. My closest work friend is literally my moms age haha. But we both love football and we always complain about random work things to each other. So even if you’re in totally different stages of life, there’s always other small things you may have in common!

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[masterthespianduchovny]

Tell me more about how Stuckies are wrong in the What if and why Steve and Bucky aren't romantic, please, I need some sense on my dash.

For starters: assume any analysis I conduct will take CA: TFA into account.

Okay, so I rewatched "What If..." and Steve and Bucky's relationship is one of best friends with brotherly elements. Yet, they aren't as close or as inseparable as believed.

This isn't to say they didn't care about each other or weren't close at all. However, when you look at their interactions pre serum Steve and compare it to post serum Steve, it's remarkably different.

Bucky acts like a big brother of sorts to Steve who is looking out for a little brother who is always getting into shit. Stuckies like to frame it as if they have this incredibly close relationship since the beginning, but it's not in the way that they like to frame it. These two weren't inseparable or it was just them, and then everyone else. And this is important to note because of how Stuckies talk about Steve and Bucky's relationship as well as how they talk about Peggy and her relationship relationship with Steve.

Steve and Bucky became close due to war, which tends to bond many people who are in the same unit together. Although Bucky cared for Steve he didn't necessarily respect him. As a friend, but not as a man. (Peggy respected him as a person)

It took Steve taking the super serum and saving Bucky for Bucky to respect Steve as a man and his convictions. It took him being saved to recognize that this was what Steve stood for when he was Skinny!Steve, which is why he was proud of him. But he didn't appreciate these values and convictions until his ass was on the line.

When Bucky is on the date (with the girlS bc he probably went home with both or hooked up with both. lol) he checks in on Steve, but he's focused on his date. Steve is, for all intents and purposes, a fourth wheel. When Bucky realizes that Steve has wandered off, he finds him and tries to talk sense into him, but again, as a big brother type/good friend.

Hell, even Steve is indifferent to Bucky's behavior because this is his friend and someone he cares about, but his world didn't revolve around Bucky nor was there any indication that his feelings went deeper than that (knowingly or otherwise).

However, Steve was concerned about Bucky because Bucky was his best friend and family. Steve literally had no one else outside of Bucky. Both of his parents were dead and he literally had no other family. He not only grew up with Bucky, he stayed with him for a bit as well.

This isn't to say that romantic feelings couldn't have ever developed, however, Steve was concerned about a friend/brother not the fact that he could be losing someone he had feelings for.

Steve cared about keeping his remaining family (and teether to the past) alive when he's saving Bucky. Again, some may see this as romantic and maybe Steve and Bucky don't realize their queer identities at the same. However consider this, as true as this might be, society overemphasizes romantic love as being the most important and significant (even when it comes to grieving). We trivialize and diminish platonic love and grief. We say that it can't be as powerful or as devastating as romantic love.

The only reason Steve would want to save Bucky was if he was in love with him and not because that was his best friend/brother. Never mind the fact that Steve wagered half of the universe to save Vision (and failed), that he refused to kill Tony despite Tony trying to kill Bucky, that Steve literally risked his life to save every Sokovian citizen on the rock than let one die. That Steve went on the run for his beliefs even before Civil War.

People position it as if Steve and Bucky can't function without each other when we literally see Steve function just fine without Bucky. He just refuses to let someone he care about die or others get harmed in the process while trying to take on Bucky. Steve even willingly took Bucky in to be arrested with no issue whatsoever. Bucky and Steve lived separate lives while either was on the run or in hiding.

"Will you ever get to What if???"

I said in another post that even if Peggy and Steve shared similar scenes as Steve and Bucky, the beat is different because the context is different.

Bucky started respected Steve as a man because of the serum, which made him appreciate Skinny Steve. Steve already respected Peggy as a person pre serum and said her outside finally matched her inside (as in others were now seeing what he's already seen).

When Bucky is encouraging others to cheer for Steve, it's a way of him finally giving Steve validation for his conviction to fight in the war. When Steve is encouraging others to cheer for Peggy, it's him wanting others to see what he's always see in her and also to have people respect Peggy. Steve was genuinely proud of her.

People mention the bar scene, but I believe these are totally two different things. 1. Steve and Bucky don't have a monopoly on bar conversations. 2. It's normal for people who are in the army and fighting wars to go drink. 3. Steve and Bucky's conversation is a very different context and feel. Again, Bucky is validating who Steve was before the serum and assuaging his fears--being a good friend.

Peggy and Steve are just grabbing drinks and he listens to her talk about how people treat her due to being Captain Carter now. Steve is happy for her, but feels down about himself. They both show admiration for each other before almost kissing.

How are these scenes the "same" thing? Or that Bucky and Steve's scene now has a romantic subtext because Steve and Peggy's does? The context between both are different. As mentioned before, Steve and Peggy were already established as to having feelings for one another.

Peggy literally trains alongside Steve while he's is in physical therapy and regularly did so before Howard made her the suit and shield.

Let's talk about CA: TFA and how Bucky was trying to flirt with Peggy as she and Steve eye fucked. And then he said, "I now feel invisible like you." Yes, please tell me more about how this is a reflection of Bucky's feelings for Steve and not his dismay of not being the center of female attention.

Every scene, repurposed Steve and Bucky scenes or not, are tinged with romantic subtext between Steve and Peggy. These two are sooooo into each and they could barely contain themselves. They're so supportive of one another and genuinely believe in each other. And the live action or the animated versions of thee characters felt that way before the serum.

Although I do believe that Bucky would've had more of a reaction when Steve was "blown up", other than that, his interactions with Steve was on brand. That's his friend and he's proud of him, but Bucky wasn't on Steve's ass. He's his own person who exists outside of Steve. Bucky actually behaved like he did before he was shipped off to war--just doing him.

Although Bucky respected Steve more in the Hydra Stomper suit, it wasn't the same as when Steve got the serum. His buddy had a nice gadget, but he was still Skinny Steve--he just now had a way to be on the battlefield despite his medical concerns.

Like, please point of where the romance is here?

[atalana]

[copied over from my cr blog, also this is gonna get long, i’d apologise but im not sorry]

okay, so

this is a rant probably about 7 years in the making, bc when i first watched lok i had not done any music study, i had not done any composing of my own, my knowledge of music theory was at a primary school level and i still thought tv soundtracks were just made by one person composing a whole cache of music and then the audio editors pick and choose what track to place where

(spoiler alert that’s not how film and tv scoring works, i have now done a music composition course where we had to score a short film, among other things, and i have so much more respect for tv composers jesus christ)

but this one stuck out to me even way back then, bc me barely knowing what a leitmotif was was like “hey this one little refrain keeps popping up whenever bolin does lavabending, and i like it, i’m gonna see if it’s on the soundtrack”

it was not, and that’s sort of where i left it back in 2014, but i actually did a rewatch of lok pretty recently out of nostalgia, and then noticed it even more

and to explain why (and this is also a little bit why five’s stuck out to me in tua, i’ll get to that in another ask), let’s cover, leitmotifs, and tv scoring in general

so a leitmotif is basically just a short musical idea that represents something in a piece of music. when i studied motivic development we were encouraged to make that motif four notes or less, and then develop it into something longer (aka a theme), because if you can constantly come back to a really short idea while keeping the piece moving, that’s what makes a piece of music memorable

(you can ignore those rules on purpose but that’s a different essay)

so the most common way that a leitmotif shows up in soundtracks is to represent a character or a location - you play the motif when that character shows up or when you’re in that location and boom, the audience associates that motif with that person place or thing, and you can then use this to tell the audience things without actually telling them. for example, star wars playing the imperial march whenever someone does something darth vader related - darth vader isn’t on screen, but you can feel his presence, because his music is playing

and if we were a film score, where we have two hours to show one particular character’s development, great! we give them a simple motif, and then as they grow as a person we change their motif to reflect what is happening to them, until we end up with something that communicates on a subconscious level how much they’ve grown. we toss in as much symbolism as we can, and we have a really great soundtrack that’s instantly memorable

tv scoring, is harder. partially because of time constraints (have you ever composed half an hour of original music a week, and had to make sure it fits perfectly with every beat of what’s happening on screen? these guys have), partially because there’s a much larger focus on ensemble casts

so what atla and lok do, for the most part, is not score individual character motifs for everyone. this is fairly common in tv soundtracks, instead we score ideas, concepts, and feelings - these’ll come up a lot more and give you more information than just “oh hey this character’s on screen”

the avatar state, for example, has the strongest and most recognisable theme across both shows. i’m linking an atla track in here because it has the best example but you’ll know this shows up with korra too - and with particularly important moments for wan, for kyoshi, etc. they also appear in the opening of both shows, four strong notes that start and end on the same note (in the case of what i’m linking, it’s an F#)

the first part of this track is the more uncertain, pensive theme that comes up when both avatars are feeling doubt/worry/sadness, but then it transitions into the more recognisable four. worth noting though, those are both basically the same motif. if i write them out back to back, you’ll notice they both have four notes and start and end on F#. if i had to guess, four notes four elements, and it comes back to the start because the avatar is a cycle.

korra has a theme for when she’s fighting, but not an individual character theme. the airbenders as a concept have a theme, republic city has thematic instruments, as do some big name characters, like iroh and his tsungi horn (this is also a cross-series thing, he’s always playing it in atla, it shows up when zuko has to make big moral decisions, and when we first meet iroh in the spirit world in lok, it shows up there too, to let the audience know who this is before we properly see him)

so, if korra doesn’t get a single theme and instead has several for different aspects of her life, and mako and asami follow along with the mood of the story like all the other characters, the fact that bolin has a personal leitmotif at all, let alone a solid, developing one, is pretty remarkable!

now, granted, it mostly starts with book 3, before then he was like every other character, but it has clear symbolism through those last two books! and, initially i thought it was related only to his lavabending, since that’s most of when it shows up, but since my rewatch, i’ve started calling it his hero theme

see, when people wanna criticise mako and bolin, usually the comments they get are that bolin’s too immature and mako’s too serious/uptight. but like, that’s how they work, you can’t analyse either of them without the context of the other. since they were little kids on the streets, bolin chases his heart and mako makes sure they don’t die from it, that is their entire childhood. and neither would have got here on their own because mako wouldn’t take the necessary risks and bolin wouldn’t take the necessary precautions. (like. remove either one from the equation and they’d still be working for the triple threats bc s1 and their flashback miniseries make pretty clear that bolin got them out and mako kept them out)

and then book 2 proves it! because it splits team avatar up, and what happens? bolin is totally taken advantage of by varrick and used as a pawn in his evil plan and mako ends up in jail

so what’s book 3, to them? it’s, being able to find themselves without having that codependency. mako no longer has someone to protect, which is what he’s based his whole life around so far - bolin’s doing fine and he’s no longer dating either korra or asami. and bolin’s trying his hand at some of that responsibility (look at how he immediately adopts kai who is explicitly them but younger because he wants to be the older brother for once). most importantly, they find the rest of their family, and stop being defined by being orphans. they don’t have to be that singular piece of a puzzle, they can just be themselves. and that’s where bolin’s character really starts to shine, because that’s when they bring in the bending plot, and bending, perhaps more than any other character, really gets to the heart of who bolin is

if you want more of my thoughts on that i have an essay here, but tl;dr: bolin’s an extremely powerful earthbender, but he’s not a metalbender because metalbending requires you to double down on the earth characteristics and think like an earthbender, and bolin doesn’t, he’s too fluid for that, which is one of his major strengths, so of course he can lavabend

and finally - to his motif itself! (as a note, i’ve put all of these in the same key to show where it repeats, but there’s a variety of keys used in the show)

as far as i can find, it first shows up in s3e8, when bolin stuns p’li with this well placed shot

[Edit: it first showed up in the s2 finale, but again in a simplified version and again with him doing something heroic with earthbending, so we can still start the analysis here]

mako volunteers bolin for that job, because he knew bolin was capable of it. why? because bolin landed an identical shot earlier in the episode, after trying to metalbend, getting frustrated he can’t, and cheating with some extremely well aimed earthbending. it’s just a short refrain and you barely notice it, but it’s the first connection of this motif with the theme of bolin’s bending

it looks like this, and it’s always played on a trumpet, which is part of why i call it the hero theme, because, if you’re looking at music from a western perspective, trumpets were used to herald kings, and then used to represent military glory, and then when superhero themes started happening, they used trumpets too - it’s basically western music shorthand for hero these days

(it’s also symmetrical so that helps with the good vibes)

and he’s saving everyone here, so it’s linked to his bending, but it’s also linked to his heroism

it ties the two together, and they are tied together.

when’s the next time it shows up? episode 10, when the brothers are in prison in ba sing se, and bolin tries to metalbend them out. again, he’s doing this to save people, and this motif gets a few notes added on to the end in a raising pattern - they’re inspiring, but they don’t go anywhere. which is exactly what happens in the scene, because he’s trying to go about this in the wrong way. mako believes in him, but it won’t (and doesn’t) work

it appears in episode 12 when bolin saves everyone from ghazan destroying the temple, in a more fancy orchestral remake of the first version - it’s impressive, but it hasn’t actually developed yet, it’s just his discovery of it

the book 3 finale already has its own fucking amazing soundtrack, i love that entire episode’s score, but it gets its own moment there too, and the first real development!

because what we hear is not what we’ve heard before. we know it’s the same theme, because it’s using those signature trumpets, but it’s the second part of this phrase, the answer to the question supplied by the first one. why? because bolin’s figured out who he is and he’s starting to use it. it still hasn’t settled yet though, it’s early days and he’s still just turning ghazan’s lava back on him, so again, it raises, leaving it on a question mark

it doesn’t appear in s4e7 when he lavabends as a warning against the escaped prisoners, because he’s using it as a threat, not to help people. but it does later in the episode when he uses lavabending to save them from kuvira. and that’s when we get the first full phrase, question and answer

it keeps the first motif identical, takes out the first note of the second, and ties them together - except now it’s not open ended, now it knows where it’s going - it’s been three years, at this point bolin is confident in both himself and his bending

and then that phrase appears all over the place in the finale, because all bolin does is save people - everyone from the exploding building, he slows the giant mecha with lavabending, he saves opal, he slows the giant mecha again by collapsing a building on it, and most importantly, he’s the one rescuing his brother this time, instead of the other way around (though that one doesn’t get a motif appearance bc admittedly a fuck ton of other things are happening in the soundtrack at the time)

so to that question asked in book three - who is bolin when not next to someone else? well, funnily enough, we saw it in book two as well, just in a warped way, playing nuktuk. it just wasn’t truly him because it was created by varrick, and he needed to get away from varrick too. the question put forward by the narrative is who is bolin, and the answer given by the music is, he is a hero. and i don’t know why bolin is the only one to get a theme like this, but i think it may have something to do with the fact that, while everyone in team avatar has been a hero and saved people, he is the only one who has, from the start, solely been motivated by wanting to help people. he follows his heart, and his heart cares, about everyone. it’s been the driving force behind almost everything he’s ever done. and i love him so much

[xiyao-feels]

@hqfeels

Oh man, as someone who loves 3zun, and thinks the mess of intertwining relationships is what makes it interesting, I really should not have read this post - while I think you make some interesting points for a different interpretation of the Nielan relationship, I would also caution against basing your interpretation so closely to the words of what is a translation

e.g. when you discuss LXC not framing things in terms of the sworn brother relationship, you point to the use of “one of his sworn brothers” vs “my” or “our” - chinese doesn’t always use pronouns, so it could very well be the translator having to fill in

I make note of this, not as a nitpick, but bc I think it goes to the heart of the framing of the relationship. Because I think Xiyao is fundamentally framed within the 3zun context - after all, what does JGY call LXC to show they’re close? Er-ge. “2”, not just Ge. NMJ, as Da-ge eternally haunts their relationship. The point of rejection from LXC? You don’t have to call me Er-ge anymore.

So, hey! I appreciate that you said you shouldn't have read my post, but I thought your points were worth addressing, and since you left comments in the notes I figured it was reasonable to respond. If you don't want to read this post, I completely understand, and I've left a bunch of empty lines after this paragraph so you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

The point about relying too heavily on exact shades of meaning is definitely a good one. Reading over my post, however, I think there are only three places where I do that; the point identified, later for one point in my discussion of QHJ's teacher, and actually later in the temple when I talk about the "sob" of Liebing as some evidence for LXC's grief for NMJ.

I think it's worth asking: how much does any one of these points contribute to the argument? They're definitely not irrelevant, or I wouldn't have pointed them out, but even so there's only so much wiggle room. No matter what pronouns he uses, for example, LXC only spends one clause of that speech directly on JGY killing NMJ, and it's in the context of, well, a general lack of reaction of personal grief. If—not even if he actually said 'our sworn brother' or 'my sworn brother,' I do think that would be some evidence of personal betrayal, even if it has to be considered in light of the rest of his reactions and non-reactions. But if, in the original text, the Chinese simply didn't specify the pronouns such that "his" is the translator's best guess—I just don't see that as a serious blow to the argument, given the consistency of the pattern as a whole, and I think it's kind of cherry-picking to suggest that it is.

Second, I don't think the pronoun there is ambiguous as is suggested. Consider the phrasing; it's not just "his sworn brother," it's "one of his sworn brothers." Supposing that "his" wasn't present in the original text. "One of my sworn brothers"? "One of our sworn brothers"? Neither really makes sense. Of course, perhaps they might make more sense in Chinese; but that's a little further than "what if the translator had to pick a pronoun."

Now, I think the above points are worth considering on their own merits, which is why I brought them up first. However, I have to say: I did, actually, check the Chinese, for the "one of his sworn brothers" and indeed in multiple places. I didn't mention it in the post for the same reason I usually try not to rely on it in my posts: because I feel like I'd end up setting myself up as some kind of authority when I'm very much not, and because I'm frequently fairly confused XP I have, what, one term of Mandarin, some amount of self-study, and Pleco installed on my phone. But I do often look at the original text and try to work things out, and sometimes I learn stuff that's been lost in translation, and often I can go well, my best guess aligns with the translation. If you want to confirm for yourself, and I encourage you to do so!!, then you can look at the text here: https://www.kunnu.com/modaozushi/. It's in chapter 64.

This is the clause about JGY killing one of his sworn brothers: 他设计杀害了自己的一位义兄 ("that he planned to kill one of his sworn brothers"). The pronoun before "one of his sworn brothers" is 自己, which is a pronoun referring to the subject of the sentence—in this case 他, he, JGY. Now, could I be wrong? Of course! Should anyone rely on uncited statements from a total stranger? No! I strongly encourage people to check this out for themselves, and if someone who actually does speak Chinese wants to offer some guidance I'd be very grateful. But given that it matched the translation from people who do actually speak both Chinese and English, it seemed enough to allow me to rely on the translation.

On that note, actually, I'll admit I missed a trick. "我父亲的一位恩师", one of my father's teachers—"teacher" there is 恩师, which Pleco gives me as "mentor; one's kind and respected master (or teacher)." So it does have more of an emotional edge, and I'll edit the post to acknowledge this. Even so, I think it's worth remembering both that it's one word, he's not adding lots of adjectives about the teacher, and most importantly that the teacher simply isn't lingered on. The effects of his mother killing the teacher, yes, and the contrast between his memories of his mother and the fact that she did kill his father's teacher...but the teacher himself is just not dwelled on.

(For completion's sake, the "sob" of Liebing in ch 107 is "呜咽", which Pleco gives as 1) sob, whimper 2) (of water, wind, stringed instrument, etc) weep; wail; lament; mourn.)

But again, quibbling over phrasing is to some extent a distraction. The important thing is not so much any one incident as the pattern they form, considered together; this is why my original post was so long, because I was trying to consider the overall pattern, and I think the comment about framing is pointing at the same thing. So it's worth asking: are xi//yao framed in terms of the 3//zun relationship?

In fact, I think this divides into two questions. First: does the text frame xi//yao in terms of the 3//zun relationship? And second: do xi//yao understand their relationship fundamentally in terms of the 3//zun relationship? I think you could make more of an argument on the first one, or at least, xi//yao and NMJ are part of their own narrative in the text and often show up together. But in terms of the actual relationship, it's the second question I'm interested in here, and I think the answer is very much no.

First of all, a note on timelines. In MDZS, LXC and JGY knew each other for about seventeen years; they were sworn brothers with NMJ for about four. To put this another way, they were sworn brothers with NMJ for less than a quarter of their overall time together. Moreover, they had significant time without NMJ before they all became sworn brothers, as well as after his death. Now, much of their relationship is revealed to us through Empathy, which necessarily limits us to when NMJ was alive, and moreover shows us only those of their moments together that he happens to see, so it's understandable that these years dominate our view, but I do think it's important to remember.

Okay, now let's consider what we see of their relationship. Given how much of it we see through NMJ's eyes, it's in fact remarkable how much it isn't about him. In the first conversation we see them have together, LXC is proposing that MY stop being NMJ's deputy and go serve his father in Langya (though only after confirming that's still what MY wants, note—and which he knows MY had wanted because MY literally told him!). When MY says he does want it but he owes NMJ, LXC says he thinks NMJ will understand but volunteers to talk with NMJ himself if he doesn't. Neither of them have told NMJ they know each other; after NMJ comes in, when he seeks to find out how they do, asking LXC and then ordering MY to speak after LXC refuses, they don't tell him. I'm not saying either of them are unhappy with NMJ here—quite the contrary!—but there's no sign they see the other, or their relationship with each other, fundamentally in terms of him. (For a close reading of the scene, as ever, I recommend confusion-and-more's post here.)

Furthermore, in MDZS, after MY flees from NMJ in Langya and becomes a spy, he starts sending LXC letters with information, and LXC works out who it is. As with pretty much everything we see about them, this suggests a quite astonishing intimacy—that MY was able to trust that LXC would work it out, and that LXC did. Not only did NMJ not know who the spy was, in MDZS he didn't know there was a spy at all—LXC concealed it from him entirely. Now, this is obviously very solid practice for spies, but again—you have xiyao together, and NMJ apart. (I'll also note that in MDZS LXC is exchanging blows with NMJ sword to saber until the very end of the post-Sun Palace confrontation, even after MY steps forward; he definitely does not seem to think that NMJ has any sort of right, here.)

At the Phoenix Mountain Hunt, we see them together but, again, not with NMJ, and there's no suggestion that LXC had socialized with him particularly—JGY is aware of how much prey he's taken, but of course JGY is running the hunt. Then when they both go off at the end of the scene to expand the hunting grounds, LXC asks LWJ if he'd like to help, but there's zero suggestion that they're going to seek out NMJ, even though he's part of the reason JGY needs to expand the hunting grounds.

In chapter 73, LXC and JGY are talking after the conference. Then NMJ comes over and comments disapprovingly about JGY. Again, LXC doesn't actually speak a single word after NMJ joins them. This... really does not suggest perceiving him and JGY as fundamentally part of that triad, imho.

The guqin scene: LXC and JGY are very much focused on each other. Only LXC talks with NMJ at all, and only once, briefly, answering his objection. NMJ is described as looking up before his objection, which suggests to me that he/wasn't/ looking up before. Meanwhile LXC and JGY are complimenting each other's playing, LXC is offering to teach him exclusive teachings, and JGY is telling LXC about his mother. You could reasonably say LXC teaching JGY the Song of Clarity is or is partly about NMJ—his desire again for them to reconcile—but in their interactions they are focused on each other to an almost absurd extent, and not NMJ.

The discussion conference mentioned in chapter 30? We're told NMJ wasn't originally planning to go; it seems likely that we would have been told if the same was true of LXC, given that LWJ is the one telling us about it. So, again, we have JGY and LXC together, and NMJ only coming in for outside reasons.

At the beginning of the stairs conflict, when NMJ comes in and calls JGY out, we see that JGY and LXC are discussing something, with "notes of all colours" on the desk before them. WWX is later going to realize they're discussing the watchtowers, which even now, well before he's Jin-zongzhu, JGY is trying to convince his father to build; there's no sign, on the other hand, that NMJ even knows what they're working on.

Their last interaction before NMJ's death /is/ about NMJ, with JGY very upset and LXC defending the idea that NMJ hasn't rejected JGY completely. But again this doesn't suggest that they view their relationship fundamentally in terms of their relationship with NMJ, and as we've seen it's not what they're usually talking about.

I talk here about two patterns of 3//zun interaction in the Empathy chapters: broadly, MY/JGY and LXC talking privately and NMJ coming and interrupting them, and NMJ attacking MY/JGY, and LXC intervening.

Looking over their interactions, the text does not, to me, suggest that LXC and JGYview their relationship fundamentally in terms of NMJ or of 3//zun.

And again—LXC doesn't bring up NMJ in the temple, and he only reacts to NMJ-as-NMJ three brief times.

Now, it is of course true that JGY calls LXC er-ge as a sign of closeness, and that he's 'er-ge' because NMJ is the first brother. However, a few points.

First, I would argue that it's a recurring theme in MDZS (and /especially/ for JGY) that the form of a relationship doesn't necessarily match what the relationship actually is; the form, therefore, might be an interesting point to consider, but it must be considered in light of the evidence we have about their actual relationship.

Second, JGY calls LXC er-ge a full thirteen times in the temple chapters. Once in chapter 99, when he's responding to LXC about JL; twice in chapter 100, discussing NHS; in chapter 105, three times leading up to his explanation of the letter; six full times when answering LXC's questions in chapter 106; and then once in chapter 108 when he is literally asking LXC for protection from NMJ's fierce corpse.

Once and only once, on the last er-ge in chapter 105, does LXC respond to being called er-ge, though we're told he did so earlier off-page. And—well, look at the paragraph:

His tone was more than earnest. Ever since he captured Lan XiChen, he’d indeed been treating him with respect. At this point, Lan XiChen wasn’t able to turn against him yet. He could only sigh, “Sect Leader Jin, I have already said, when you went your own way to scheme such havoc at Burial Mound, that there was no longer the need to call me ‘Brother.’”

This is not only not framed as an essential rejection, it's framed as explicitly /not/ that: "Lan XiChen wasn't able to turn against him yet." And again, as I pointed out in my post, we're explicitly given a reason for it that has absolutely nothing to do with NMJ! 'Don't call me er-ge because you killed da-ge' would be very natural; the fact that it's explicitly not about that suggests strongly to me that they simply don't think of 'er-ge' in terms of its relation to NMJ, despite the form.

[konaizumi]

Can you please sell me on Light On Me? I kinda want to see it but it also seems like it leans too much into the love triangle aspect (?? Idk I'm guessing based on gifs) and I'm not into that. Feel free to go as hard as you like 😁

Ok you should definitely, 100% watch Light on Me, it's amazing!

To address your concern, yes the love triangle is a big part of the plot, but it's like, a good love triangle. I totally get it, I also really dislike love triangles and find them annoying (though kdramas usually do a pretty good job with them imo) but! this love triangle isn't just added in for unnecessary drama and angst, it actually has purpose and plays into the character development of all the characters involved. Also, the two "rival" characters are close friends and always very respectful about everything. The love triangle isn't fueled by competition, it's more just two people falling for the same person.

So I don't know if that encourages you or not, but now I shall try to sell you on the characters. First, our dear protagonist, Taekyung, who is socially awkward (autistic-coded imo) and doesn't have any friends (by choice, not bc people dislike him), and he decides he wants friends, so on the advice of his teacher he joins the students council. I love him so much and at first he seems like he'd be the typical innocent and naive dating-sims protag, but he's actually pretty witty and smart once he gets comfortable, he's just extremely straight forward and open about his opinions.

Next is Shinwoo, my son, resident disaster gay, best boi, and tsundere of the student council. They have an awkward first meeting, so he's kind of harsh at first toward Taekyung but gradually they become close. He's not the most friendly and sociable, but he's always willing to help out his friends at his own expense.

Then Daon. Daon is president of the student council, and super popular bc he's so nice. He has an inability to say no to people and people recognize that he is a pushover and take advantage of him (not maliciously bc everyone loves him, more just like a "i know daon is willing to help if I ask" way). He's got it kind of rough but prob has the most character development.

Last, Namgoong, wingman extraordinaire and best friend. He's always there to cheer people up by making them smile. He seems really light-hearted and not very serious, but he's always there to support his friends in a supportive but non-invasive way. He's got the best lines. (not part of the love triangle)

The dynamic between all the characters is beautiful and has a good balance between funny and serious, and they're always friends first before anything else. It's really endearing to watch Taekyung become friends with these people and the way he gets excited over the new friendships. And it's really a story of how these three boys are grow because of Taekyung. His honesty and straightforwardness is very different than what they're used to from other people and it's really the catalyst for their character development.

I also really like the way they handled the love triangle. While it still played on common troupes, it felt somewhat subversive? Non-traditional? Idk, it was very different from usual love triangles, so if that's what's putting you off I would still recommend giving it a try. (also you will get second male lead syndrome out the wazoo, but for a while you won't be able to tell who you're feeling it for lol)

Ok, that was maybe too much but you said I could go as hard as I wanted 🤣 and this is prob top 3 fav bls for me and I've had to restrain myself from writing more. It also def feels more like a kdrama than your usual bl, if that helps. It's truly and beautiful and wholesome show and I recommend it with my whole heart!

[thedreadvampy]

ok look please understand that it is absolutely normal to want to live with your best friends, have casual sex with your friends, raise kids with your friends, and keep your friends as the most important people in your life.

whether it's a qpr or not, that's normal and it's healthy.

I think people are often encouraged to think that the historical, traditional expectation is to put your partner before your friends but that isn't...really true? men have very rarely been expected to have a stronger social connection with their partners than their friends, and the only reason women have been expected to centre romantic relationships is because they've historically been socially and financially dependent on making and maintaining a strong relationship.

that isn't to say that your partner shouldn't be as important as your friends. after all, at least in my social setting, relationships aren't a primarily financial and political arrangement - hopefully you are with your partner because they're a good friend to you as well as a partner.

like it's cheesy to say but Sam and Kofi are some of my best friends and that's a big part of our relationship. but like. they aren't the only friends I'm that close to. I'm differently close to, say, my friends Alex and Jake (who I think are probably the most important people in my life), or my friend Joe (who I've lived with in a mutually supportive way for 5 years), or my friend Courtney (who I hook up with regularly and love dearly) or my friend Lesedi (who I have very seriously considered co-parenting a child with) but I'm not less close to them.

and this isn't a Weird Me Thing either. like:

probably about half the people I know have housemates who they've lived with, moved house with multiple times, and who are as intimately involved with their lives as their romantic partners, often more

where I grew up and most places I've been, most people have "aunties" - your mum's best friends who stepped in to help with the kids and who are part of the family. I myself traveled down half the country regularly to help support a friend who was a lone parent while his son was little, from looking after a baby for days at a time to helping him look for daycares and booking doctors appointments, and that's super normal - when I and most of my friends were kids we were all used to spending up to 1/3 of our week at a parent's best friend's house. that's literally a big chunk of the role godparents play in many people's lives too. it takes a village to raise a child and formally or informally most cultures expect that the parents' close friends will chip in and love and care for the child.

Most adults I know have at least one friend who they carve out at least a few hours a week to spend time with - go to the cinema, go for a coffee, cook dinner, catch up and vent and offer emotional support.

Friends with benefits? totally a really thing whatever people tell you, it doesn't have to be emotionally romantic and often actively feels weird to be

It's normal to grieve when a friendship ends and it often affects people as deeply or more deeply than a relationship ending

like, this isn't to say that a lot of media messaging posits this sort of stuff as immature/less important (and for men, the dreaded A Bit Gay) but that messaging actively runs counter to how most people live their lives in the real world, and you know. in a film when someone finds a partner they become the Most Important Thing In Their Lives. in real life most of your friends will agree you're being kind of a jerk if you consistently blow them off in favour of your partner at any age.

and I think the thing that concerns me is the degree to which the idea that you're expected as an adult to choose between romance and maintaining close, meaningful friendships is uncritically absorbed and reflected in how a lot of otherwise very thoughtful people talk about relationships, romance, sex and friendships.

like if your expectation is that having intimate friendships can only happen if you don't have important/lasting romantic/sexual relationships, or that having a relationship means you can't have or want friendships deeper than casual hangouts and occasional Emotion Chats...like, that will harm you.

Not everyone wants or needs romantic/sexual relationships, true, but everyone, regardless of whether they also want that, needs supportive and meaningful and lasting friendships as part of a fully actualised social life. As I say, those needs might be met by some of the same people (I've been in a relationship with Sam for 9 years, but we've been friends since I was 14 and while I can imagine a life where we're not dating or having sex, I genuinely can't bear to imagine a life without his friendship) but emotionally close friendships are still a genuine need.

(plus honestly if the only place you can get emotional closeness is a sexual/romantic partner, that's a very vulnerable place to be in. both for you and for them. It's not good to only have one person you have a serious, close, mutually supportive emotional relationship with - ime most people do best with like 4 or 5 close friends minimum (one or more of whom may or may not be their sexual/romantic/queerplatonic partner)

and this is where I'm dipping a toe into the Spicy (shitty) Discourse, because I don't at a object to the idea of queerplatonic relationships (I don't necessarily understand them, but honestly I haven't understood anything since 1999) it worries me how many people defend the idea of qpps by saying WOULD YOU DO X WITH A FRIEND????

and I understand the defensive impact bc tbh when people say "explain the difference between a queerplatonic partner and a friend" they are very rarely asking in good faith - they've already decided that aro/ace people Just Want To Be Special and that qpps are a Stupid Tumblr Queer Concept.

and it's a shitty question anyway imo because like. I know there's a difference between friends-with-benefits and Girlfriends on an emotional level, or between a friend and a non-sexual romantic relationship. I know there's a difference and most of these people would agree but if you asked me to draw a hard line to define This is Not Romantic and This is Romantic I'd be stumped. it's an emotional reality not a behavioural one so it's not a clearcut concept and it may be different for everyone

B u t

When people respond to this (shitty, bad-faith) question by insisting "friends don't kiss! friends don't live together! friends don't co-raise kids!" they are just flatly Wrong. And it's a really weak argument because of that, because people will just say 'yeah we literally do, a qpp is a normal friendship, qed' and that's. Uh. Based on what's been said that's kind of a reasonable conclusion? because those things are all normal friendship things for a lot of adults.

there are many possible arguments for the term queerplatonic. it's about describing an emotional connection that isn't quite romantic. it's a way of clarifying that your intention is to commit to spending your life with someone. it's a way to define the expectations you have of your relationship. but ultimately it's not your job to justify this to anyone. many people (me included) might not understand exactly what a qpp means to you, but that doesn't mean we have any right to go 'that's meaningless' or talk it down if it isn't hurting anyone

but like. these specific types of defences of qpps (the "qpps are Important Vital Relationships and friends are just People You Don't Mind Spending Time With" attitude) are harmful, both to people not in qpps and to people in qpps

Exceptionalising the idea of having friends you love like family, who are the most important people in your life, who you might choose to live with or share your life with or be the person you'd trust with your children/your wellbeing/your health? That's dangerous!

and it takes us no closer to adequately valuing close friendships to say "close friendships are what QPPs are and they're a direct replacement for romantic/sexual partnerships". we can have both, and we should feel able have both. not necessarily both a qpp and a relationship, but both a life partner (sexual/romantic/queerplatonic) and other friends who are intimate parts of our lives and families. That's such a profoundly vital part of being queer particularly but also just of being, and it stresses me that people think that's a Special Kind of Relationship not a normal close friendship.

[blackberry-gingham]

Hewo :3

Saw you write headcanons ❤. Could ya do one of dati g the guys while being yourself a guitarist in another band ??

Thnks

Yus I can UwU

George

I honestly feel like guitar reader with George would be soooo cool and laid back!

Like, honestly any relationship with George I feel would be like a "we're friends first and foremost, and significant others second" deal

So even tho you guys are in seperate bands, there's never like any "ok, but ONE OF US has to be the better one" type of tension/joking lmao

It really is just a lot of you two practicing together, trading tips, and just all around honing your skills together

That said, I could see the two of you needing time away from your band mates a lot and so the brainstorming with each other is a bit of a cover up

It's not that you don't like your band, or him his, it's just that you need your space to recharge and the others can be a bit.... much, being rock stars and all

Anyway, the two of you are very skilled guitarists so there would definitely be plenty ideas worth picking each other's brains for!

I think you and George would've met during the Beatles hamburg days in a little dive type of place

Your careers took off in seperate ways later on, but you both just clicked at the time and so you kept in contact ever since!

Despite how close you are with George, you don't really come in to feature on a song or just hangout in studio with all the boys

Or vice versa for George and your band tbh

Everyone jokes about needing to keep an eye on you both before you run off together and make your own band lol

Secretly, you both have considered it, but you're happy with your current bands and besides you two have your thing going, and that suits you just fine

John

Ok, so not to step on anyone's toes but ???

I personally headcannon reader to be like a slightly, but noticably, better guitarist then John ????

Like things definitely get competitive between you two

At first, John's kinda jelous tbh

I'd just imagine any brainstorming or private practice sessions being a lot of you bouncing ideas off of him and him just being his brutally honest self and not really doing much bonding with you

At first, that is

Bc as we all know, the root of jealously is insecurity! So I think having reader around to encourage the real John out as well as your genuine admiration of his playing skills, would turn his attitude around!!

When it clicks for him, it's like an "um duh" moment where he realizes that you're not out trying to claim the title of "better then John Lennon" or something

Not everything is a competition, and besides, you love him! It doesn't matter who's "more talented"

I feel like you and John met backstage after a show, like maybe you and your band opened for the Beatles or even vice versa!!

He's a little begrudging of it, but from musician to musician, he just had to tell you how great you were that night

After that came a few chance run ins between your bands and before long, you and John figured why not?

I mean, you both at least respect each other's musical talent, why not get to know each other!

You come sometimes to listen in on the Beatles recording sessions, and it's not uncommon for the rest of the boys to kick John off lead guitar and have you "show him how it's done"

It's just a little inside joke at this point lmao

He likes to act all offended and huffy of course, but when you're not around he loves to brag to the lads about how amazing you are, both as a musician and a person!!

The boys can get a little annoyed on occasion when you do come over tho, seeing as recording time sometimes turns into a bit of pissing competition between you and John

But it's all in good fun and also sooo obvious you two love each other and enjoy having a little go at one another from time to time, so they're happy for you both

Paul

Finally, someone who isn't also a guitarist lmao

Of all the other boys, you and Paul compliment each other, musically and instrumentally that is, the MOST

Like John and Paul are the lyrical masterminds always and forever obviously, but if Paul is looking to get a certain tune out? He tries to get in contact with you whenever he can!

It's just that you get him, like John does, but in a different way, if that makes sense. You know?

He'll oftentimes bring his and John's lyrics and a bass sample he's got for it and ask your opinion on the bass playing and even what kind of guitar chords you think would work with it!

Your private practice sessions aren't all work tho, sometimes Paul just serenades you with his bass and his voice and the two of you chill together

You and Paul are DEFINITELY old friends, like from childhood days!!

You've known each other basically since forever, which is how you're able to craft sheet music so well together, but life simply took you in different directions to different bands

Once you two seperated for that while that he was in Hamburg, he realised just how much he missed you and didn't want to be without you or your expertise!

He was 100% going to ask you to join his band, but you had already found your own :/

That didn't matter too much tho, Paul figured the least he could do was finally ask you out so he wouldn't have to be without you!

You've been together ever since

Typically you don't really come to the Beatles studio sessions, but Paul has been known to come over to you and your bands sessions for sure!

Your bassist is just fine of course! But I mean... Who could say no to some tips and input from good ol macca?

The boys poke at Paul a lot for "cheating on them" with you when it comes to writing sheet music, but they can't deny that you come up with really good stuff together!!

Ringo

I think of all the boys, you and Ringo have like the least amount of tension between yourselves lol

Like there's a tiny bit of competition with any other string musician I'd think, but Ringo and his drums are in a whole other field!

Honestly, Ringo is just in awe of you and your skills

Granted, he doesn't really know enough about guitars to dissect the fine details of what makes you so great or compare you to John and George, but I mean... he thinks you sound absolutely incredible!!

Now, he's not the best drummer in the world, but he keeps great time and you love him for it! Especially when you two have practice time together

And he's so pleased to hear that

A lot of the time, Ringo likes to think he plays for you, rather then just with you and that internal motivation honestly helps push his skills to new heights!!

I feel like you two met totally by accident lol

Like he wandered into your recording studio by mistake one day

"Oh sorry, I heard the guitar and I thought you were George!"

You two share a laugh after he explains himself just a bit more, but you got on so quickly, that the rest is history!

Honestly, the other boys love having you there for their recording sessions

Like seriously, they appreciate you lol

They always tell you Ringo is at his absolute best when you're in the studio, and it's true!

It's to such a point that you've featured as a guest guitarist when the boys play live more then once, just to give Ringo that extra little push

Your favorite spot on stage is right beside him and his drums :)

Bonus:

In the post Beatles era, your Beatle either joins your band, or if that's lost as well, you two form a new group or just a plain duo together!

The transition is a bit of an adjustment period for your Beatle still, but having you there to support them after things fall apart is a HUGE relief

That, and having a familiar face who's also a talented musician to enter a new era of music making with is kind of exciting!

All in all, having you there eases your Beatles post breakup pain and you guys go on to make a couple iconic, landmark albums together ❤️

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

hii, i wanted to ask a question about my bestie xx

i’ve typed her as an enfj bc she’s always seemed like a high Fe type to me and the enfj function stack and descriptions of them on various websites were describing her very well. me and her are very different “people-wise”: she always talks abt ppl behind their backs while maintaining friendly attitude talking WITH them, always compliments ppl to get something she wants(some of our teachers always loved her bc she knew how to get their love and trust); then me…i’m an isfp…totally opposite, i have only a few friends, i hate talking behind people’s back, never “sucked up” on anyone, including teachers(some of them still love me, but for different reasons), i can’t compliment people i don’t like(tbf, i can’t compliment AT ALL, very bad at words, unlike my friend) and etc. I also don’t like lying to people and friends, and she, on the other hand lies or manipulates her words quite a lot(sometimes it helps her getting what she wants tho, i must admit).

But i’ve noticed recently that she’s very secretive…like…really secretive. She never shows her true feelings or struggles to her friends(or me, at least, lmao)…We both keep our feelings inside, but I have high Fi and I thought this kind of way of dealing with emotions was kinda Fi-ish. Not that she shows her friends her fake emotions, but more like she deals with them on her own.

also, she’s very impulsive in terms of her interests? more than me sometimes(and i have aux Se)…she gets heavily invested, for example in her choice of her future career and has her future in this career all planned(what uni will she graduate, how successful she might be, how “cool” will she be, etc.) and she talks about it(her new interest/hobby or her career choice) so passionately, that you think “omg, she REALLY wants to be a therapist/marketing specialist/dentist/whatever”, and she seems really invested in it, but then she DROPS it…like, she suddenly “realizes” it’s not what she wants or that that profession isn’t as good/profitable as she thought. She also cancels plans last minute a lot. It can be her, who encourages and organises our friend group’s gathering, but then gets out of it last minute herself, sometimes trying to make really pathetic excuses(but sometimes they’re very well-thought, such as “my parents asked me to babysit my little siblings” so none of us could blame her for telling that she won’t go w us last minute). I’m not telling it’s always lies. I’m sure sometimes her parents really don’t allow her to go somewhere or ask to babysit, but why does she always tell us that last minute!? sometimes she does things for her own benefit, like she’d rather go out with a person who has a good camera(so they could take pics for her), rather than someone she’s closer to and will have better time with. she’s also very insecure deep down. me too, but i don’t want people’s approval as much as her. she’s always scared to gain weight or look bad to her boyfriend, even though he’s the nicest guy i’ve ever met and has always told her that she’s the most beautiful girl ever and he would love her no matter what. perhaps i could also describe her as “all talk, no actual actions” and it hurts me isfp ass very much :((

we also have a lot of passive aggression in our relationship, bc we’re both hate conflicts in some way, and sometimes supress our anger towards each other(i tend to sometimes burst out tho), so ig she’s more passive aggressive than me and never tells me what’s wrong, therefore i can never tell if i offended her or not. idk, maybe she thinks the sam abt me?

she’s not a bad person tho, she’s a good friend and we’ve been friends for a long time, but sometimes she acts very very strange and i’m not the only one who has noticed this.

maybe you could help me…from what i’ve described, does she seem enfj type 3(have difficulty telling what her wing is)? ty in advance ❤️

Based on this it sounds like you are both in your mid-teens, and so honestly I would just give it some time if you want to type her because while your personality certainly exists at this time, it’s very much in flux. A lot of this just sounds like she’s dealing with a lot of insecurity and expectations and it’s hard to say if it’s typology governing these actions or if it’s just like...being 16 or 17 (which is what I’ve assumed from this).

I’m not sure what her type is but here are a couple of things that might help you, and I will say that ENFJ doesn’t sound wrong given that assumed age. It could be - looking at ENFP or ESFP wouldn’t hurt - but a lot of her behaviors seem in line with high Fe and even with Ni I would expect a certain amount of impulsivity and indecision at her stage of development.

First, try to think about her in terms of who she is without comparing to yourself. I don’t know for sure if you’re an ISFP - you might be, or you might not be - so if you compare to yourself and you are mistyped then you’re working off an incorrect basis for comparison in the first place and that will make everything harder. Try to think how she compares to people you know in general - and especially your peers. Is she more impulsive than most of your classmates? Less? Around average?

Second, I have found the idea that high Fi users are more private and high Fe users are less private to be absolutely false; I think it is partly based on a Tumblr user who mistyped as an Fe user for a long time but then realized they were a high Fi user and was trying to make that fit and it’s persisted long past that. A lot of high Fi users, especially extroverted ones, are very expressive, and a lot of high Fe users can be private - Fe users are typically very attuned to what others think of them and so might keep their emotions on lockdown or hide them in order to elicit a certain response (Fe-dom 3s, for example, will absolutely do this). As a rule thinkers and introverts are more private with their emotions than feelers and extroverts but that’s about the extent of it.

And finally, and I tell most people this especially when they bring up not just a typology question but also some conflicts or personal difficulties; I get that you are asking me for help with MBTI, and that’s the main help I feel like I have any ability to give and I know unsolicited advice is often unwelcome so feel free to ignore, but: MBTI does not solve interpersonal (or intrapersonal) problems. It can be a very helpful and powerful tool, but knowing is only half the battle (or something). A person who knows literally nothing about MBTI but is an empathetic and thoughtful communicator who does not shy away from healthy confrontation will do better than a typology expert who lacks even one of those traits. If you want to know her type, review the first few paragraphs and see if that helps and feel free to revisit after some time, but if you want to like, know why she keeps flaking on you, then unfortunately getting over the fear of confrontation and potentially upsetting someone will be a far more effective use of time.