#bc oh my god is this a lot for like 30mins

[straykats]

its 2am i am haing a mentak breakdown

[daisyvstheworld]

Day 17 - Jan 17 - Grindelwald/Jungfraujoch

I woke up super early for NO REASON bc I didn’t even make my original train. I was sad that I was leaving so I took my fine time. I pooped and then I packed up, went down to breakfast at 7:10ish. The breakfast buffet was so nice!! The restaurant was super pretty and the mountain was just appearing as the sun was rising. There was an omelette station but I just got scrambled eggs, some mini waffles (bad), fruit, cheese to sample, and coffee. Turns out they had yogurt lol I didn’t have to buy yesterday. Wish I had known.

I was originally planning to get to the train station for the 7:48am departure but I took too long to eat and poop again, and then the front desk wasn’t open so I couldn’t check out until 7:55am :( the lady said the bus ran every 15 mins but I waited and it never came so I just walked down to the Grindelwald station and waited for the 8:18am departure. There was a huge group of Korean tourists that all went WHAAAA at a flock of birds flying away

Anyways that group left on a different train and I hopped on mine. Once I got to the terminal, it looked like there were only skiers and I was like uhh wtf am I not supposed to be here.. but eventually I saw 2-3 other tourists. The lockers didn’t work so I had to pay 10 francs to put them in the peoples back office -_-

The view up was soooo pretty!! It’s kind of cloudy today but I think it’s supposed to clear up a bit at the top. Idk I hope so at least.

I went to the bathroom once we got to Eigergletscher since the next train wasn’t departing for 20 mins and literally when I got out of the stall, a bunch of people were waiting in line and then this huge ass group of like 40 Korean tourists showed up at the ticket line I was like wtf

We got on the tram and it was a 30min or so ride up, through a tunnel in the mountain.

OoF this altitude!! We took a stop at Eismeer and of course it’s cloudy and shit so you can’t really see anything but you can see how vast the snow valley is. And it’s windy so it was cool to see the little snow storm

Once we got to the top; the swarm of Korean tourists began hahah I did the tour a little out of order because it was so chaotic but it worked out! My selfie stick really came in clutch

Unfortunately it was super cloudy and windy so you can’t really see much 😭😭 but I got some cool photos and they even had a little picture op showing that this was a film location for Crash Landing on You.

The Lindt workshop area didn’t appear to be open and Restaurant Crystal looked closed too but I found out it just opened at 11am so I just waited a couple minutes for it open and ordered my alcoholic coffee and cheesecake 😊 took my Pepcid AND lactaid like a responsible asian. Lowkey I was hoping the sky would clear up a little before I left 🥲 it did not lol so I left.. a little disappointing but tbh I should’ve checked. When I checked, it said it was gonna be sunny but it LIED or I forget when it was supposed to be sunny and I left too early.. but I rather go to Lausanne than wait for the chance of it potentially clearing up even though it looked very unlikely. NEVERTHELESS, I am grateful for the opportunity and it felt cool to just be at the top. It does have a kind of surreal splendor being that high up surrounded by snow and winds. It feels like I shouldn’t be there considering how wild the weather is. Wish it was a little/lot clearer but no regrets!!!

Ok I’m on the last train rn to Lausanne.. and oh my god. Taking trains in Switzerland is nice but sometimes you gotta pray your train is on time or you’ll mess up your ENTIRE schedule. I’m done with transfers now but I just took 3 trains to get to where I am now. If I missed any of them, I’d be panicking.. the train from Interlaken to Spielz was stressful bc we just stopped 10 mins out from the station to wait for an oncoming train??? So the announcer said we’d be a few minutes late and I was like BRUH we’re supposed to arrive at 1:51 and then I’m supposed to catch a different train at 1:54!!!! What do you MEAN A FEW MINUTES LATE

Luckily we were on time or just a minute or so late and it’s a small station so I just sprinted across the platform and got on the next train. I’ve had to take out my passport every single time they check my ticket, but luckily I think I only have to do it once more after this when I take this train later to get to Geneva. It’s been snowing all over the country, it’s quite pretty!

I got hungry and ate the last pretzel bread, but as I was eating I realized that this bread is like 3 days old.. like I brought it all the way from Salzburg, Austria… oh well, it’s in tummy now. Along with the random shit I had for breakfast, a coffee with whipped cream and Williams, and a cheesecake. Lol.

JESUS CRISTO

Je is back on the train to Geneva - it’s 6:15pm. I have sweat so much today. I am wearing SO MANY LAYERS. I went from being in -18 degree weather to like 35/40 degree weather carrying all my bags and walking up hills. To say I was sweating at the Olympic Museum is a SEVERE understatement. I thought I was gonna have a freaking panic attack, but I didn’t wanna waste time by taking layers off bc the museum was closing in 2 hours. The museum was suuuuper cool!! Gave a history of the Olympics going back to the origin in Athens and moving to modern Olympics who apparently a French man brought back in the early 1920s, ain’t that wild! He was very much about the unity of art and sport. There were exhibits on the development of Olympic sport, the host cities, the demonstration of art and culture, ALL the torches from the ceremonies displayed, and the stories behind them all. I wish I had more time bc it was truly so cool. Then they had an exhibit of artifacts donated by athletes and the games. The last one was more interactive and shows the athletes village, their nutrition/health/well-being, and a zone for people to play games and such. Quite cool, quite cool indeed. Again, wish I had more time. But I rushed the last bit to make sure I had time to walk through the gift shop really quick, go to the bathroom, and grab my stuff. I took a couple of quick photos at the Olympic park and started back. I feel so musty at this point (and hungry) that I just wanted to get to Geneva. I walked back to the metro and hopped on the Ouchy line back to Lausanne Gare. It’s only 2 very quick stops, but when we hit the first stop, this man came SLIDING into the door and ended up not even getting in. His foot didn’t make it through the train door, only the station door. It looked so painful though - he was a pretty skinny man and I think he slipped on accident. He got up pretty fast though. But I gasped really loudly bc it felt like a cartoon in a movie.

Anyways I got on the train. It’s quite packed. I wanted to eat but I don’t wanna eat in front of all these people so I guess I wait until I get to Geneva.. and walk 10-15 mins to my hostel 😭😭.. and check in… 😭😭😭

I have done so much today. I’ve taken 7 trains today. Plus the metro. I’m so tired 😭

[syndxlla]

hi! so i just want u to know that i love more to love so much!! i literally get so excited every time u update! ive always wanted to ask questions about fics but always get too shy/nervous but while im feelin good i just thought id come by and talk about more to love! i guess i was just wondering what din does when he’s home? does he play with grogu? does he talk about the princess? how is feeling about the princess? does he have any insecurities about their relationship?

that was a lot lol u dont have to answer all of them but i hope uve had/have a wonderful day bc u deserve it!! <3

oh??? my??? god???

this is my favorite ask i’ve ever gotten where do i even BEGIN.

din is only off duty from 12am to 6am, and it takes him 30min-1hr to get to the palace through the tunnel depending on the day, which means on the nights he does go home, he’s only there from roughly 1am to 5am. So he only has time to sleep. He doesn’t get much time to do anything else. Most nights he just stays in the knights quarters in the lower levels of the palace with the rest of the royal guard, but he does have a family and misses his son a lot, which is why he makes an effort to go home at knight as often as he can. it’s also why Isla knows him so well, he’s the only palace guard who travels the tunnel multiple times a week, all the others who do are lower ranking Keldabe security knights.

grogu is always dead asleep when the knight comes and goes, sometimes he stays awake for din, and din comes home to a very sleepy little boy trying to see more of his dad. din used to see him more often but after he took the position of guarding you, that’s really dwindled. he really misses grogu... like a lot. it’s okay though, he’ll get to see grogu more after you get married to korkie and his job goes back to normal, right?

he’s sworn an oath of secrecy to the royal guard, and because of that he can’t talk about you outside of the palace (which is part of why he didn’t explain who you were to Isla in her tavern.) din definitely should not have told peli why he needed that dress...but he really wants to tell grogu about you, he thinks you’ll really like one another (naive, patient, kind).

din has a lotttt of mixed emotions about the princess. but i’m gonna wait to expand on those for the actual story (don’t worry it’s coming soon). let’s just say: he’s just as conflicted as you are in this situation. and yeah, he has hella insecurities about your relationship, but he forgets about all of them when he’s alone with you.

PLEASE SEND ME MORE ASKS LIKE THIS OHMYGOD.

P.S i had an okay day. superrr exhausting and i’m looking forward to tomorrow which should be a little more relaxing <3. thank you for checking up on me, it means a lot.

[juupajaa]

Let's talk about coping skills ok? Here's some shit you can start using/practicing while unlearning disordered eating:

Sleep. Oh my god yes. This is one of the most effective ways to block Bad Shit in real life. Sleep is the closest thing we have to a reset button and getting enough sleep is just as important as getting enough food, so don't ever think you should feel bad for sleeping. How: Forming a good sleeping schedule can be hard but thankfully it gets automated after you've done all the hard work. Waking up the same time every morning (even when you could sleep in or you had just an hour of sleep😴) helps your body to recognize it as a pattern and it will adjust to it. Your body's own clock can be a huge asset if you give it a schedule. It will wake you up at the same time and make you tired at the right time, but first you have to be consisted with how you sleep. Long naps and irregular waking hours make your body confused about when it's supposed to feel tired. Caution: if you already have sleep problems, napping might make them worse. Naps should never go on for over an hour! 20-30mins is the optimal time.

Activity: Now this can mean exercise and exercise is a perfectly good way to get your mind back to reality and the stress relieving effects of exercise are known by everyone and their mother by now. BUT activity can be easy and chances are you have a fecked up relationship with exercise anyway. How: Taking a walk or doing yoga/stretching/breathing exercises are a good substitute for exercise and even better if you can do it in nature. Walking is great bc you can do it just the way you want, with music, in silence, with a friend, alone, at night, in the morning, noon, sunshine, rain, whatever you want. Even just ten minutes is enough to get you over the worst crap. Caution: obviously exercise is off limits if you can't do it responsibly. If you've anxiety about going outside, start easy. Maybe just around the yard/your street? Your room maybe?

Daydreaming: Aw feck yeah, this is the best 😎 Daydreaming is my main thing and I've found it to be most effective in fighting that existential dread that hits me every time I start to feel like I'm not everything I could be. How: Basically just go somewhere you won't be disturbed for a while and start making up all those fantasies! If you're drawing a blank, find magazines, social media, music, whatever you need to get you going. I usually go to some really neat tumblr blogs to look at the cool pics of shit that makes me think that I've still stuff to do. Self care tags are also really helpful. Making lists can also make this more fun and it's important to remember that you aren't committing to anything, you're just daydreaming and making some vague plans and dreams. Caution: you can definitely go overboard with this. Take note of your state of mind when you start eyeing for inspiration, bc sometimes it can get overwhelming and you'll just get sad about your own life again and that is not the goal of daydreaming at all.

Hobbies/distractions: This could be anything that requires you to focus enough to forget about That Thing that makes you feel like shit. How: Close the door and put on a sick track and start doing that thing baby. It doesn't matter if you do it only for a little while, nor does it matter if you don't do anything "valuable". Just get busy for a while. Caution: Make sure you take on something you can actually do, I know I've walked into that trap quite a lot. If you start some project and it proves to be more difficult than you can do right now, it can make you feel even worse. So do stuff that's doable✌

Pampering: YALL. The amount of times I've had to walk myself to the shower and have a God Damn Relaxing Time is astronomical, but it does make me feel better everytime. How: Anything can be pampering, even something as small as having a cup of tea. Sometimes you gotta dedicate a whole damn day for going through every inch of your damn body and make sure you are clean, fresh and feeling silky and soft, but that's not every day. Painting your nails is also surprisingly fun, ad is sitting down to binge watch your favourite movie for the billionth time. Caution: You've gotta make sure you get to do your thing in peace. Kinda ruins the whole purpose of nice, relaxing self care moment if it's interrupted 😑

Talking to: Ehhhh it works tho. Having a chat with yourself is a good way to do a bit of an reality check and vent at the same time. How: Ask yourself what's up my dude. This doesn't mean you have to find a mirror and talk out loud but that's an option too if you wanna. Just taking a moment to tell yourself that it's going to be fine and to ask why you're feeling like you do can do a lot. It gives you time to process the situation better and look for a possible exit or a solution. Caution: honestly the only thing that go wrong with this is that you start mocking yourself. Don't do that. You get yourself better than anyone so try to be sympathetic when you're feeling like crap.

[alien-origins]

ok so I haven't been feeling that the arrangement/relationship was giving much bc it was a purely sexual thing and I was getting bored and low key disgusted.

and like when we met we both agreed for this to be no strings attached bc neither wanted a gf/bf. however I noticed like a year in he was catching feelings because he said "would you like to be exclusive?" and I asked what he meant and he said "that we only have sex with each other" and I said that I didn't know.

cut to like a few months later my sex drive goes down and I don't want to meet up bc it's just for sex and I tell him I'm not really wanting to do anything and he's like "oh but we can hang out still", but hanging out with him is literally sitting in his bed playing video games which isn't interesting or fun for me or watching a movie and have him dry hump me and tell me he wants me to which I get annoyed at because I EXPLICITLY said I didn't want to do anything.

and I also need to mention other things that annoyed me with him. every time in the morning I wanted to leave I always had to like come up with something like a "plan" so I had somewhere else to be and couldn't stay because dude I want to enjoy my weekend. and every time I was like "well o gotta go" and he said "it only takes 6 minutes to the train from here" but like I have smaller legs than you, want to have an extra 5 min in case and I HAVE ANXIETY which I've told him so I need extra time or I'll literally panic. so I almost missed the train several times because he would sometimes refuse to let me get up from bed and I was clearly annoyed at him like this isn't funny and idk why he thinks I'd want to miss my train bc then I'd have to wait 30 min for my bus.

time management. I'm the person that gets to class 20 min early. Gets up 2-3h before I need to leave the house and make sure I have n extra 20-30 min of I'm going to find a new place. this dude was more of a "few seconds before" type of person which gave me anxiety and just felt disrespectful of my time when HE decided time and then never managed to meet me in time. even if 90% of the time he just had to walk down to the lobby door of his apartment to get me on he'd be 10-15 min late.

however I think what was the breaking point for my tolerance was when we decided to watch captain marvel in theatres. I said I'd like to eat before and he was like "sounds good, the movie starts 21.30 so we can meet 20.35 and eat" and I'm like, weird time but okay. and I arrive 10 min early to the mall we're gonna eat at (where they also have the theatre) and I tell him I'm there. 20-30min later I get a text that says "I'll be a little late" and I'm like okaybim in the lobby. he comes through the doors 20 minutes before the movie starts and then is like "so what do you want to eat?" and I say "do we really have time for that" I'm annoyance and he's like sure we do and I'm like....sure....so we have Lebanese food but I can't eat quickly because of my anxiety and past ed so I eat half and put the rest of the shworma in my bag for later. then he wanted to go to another store to buy drinks with like 3 min left until it started. RIGHT OMG when we got there FORTY MINUTES LATE he wants to go say hi to a friend who works in a store there LIKE???!!???????

and onto kinks. he noticed me posting pics of kris wu sometimes going "omg daddy choke me😩😩" as we know I do, and he's like "you're into that?" and I'm like yea, thinking about choking. and then he asks about what I mean with daddy and I explain that's like "he's hot" it's a term used for hot men and he's like "you can call me daddy😏". and me, who only have like 5 names on my daddy list is laughing internally but I'm like whatever, sure.

next time I get to his house he asks me to call him daddy mid sex and I'm like ok??? and I do and there was nothing more to it. like 2-3 times later he goes full dd/lg and oh my gOd was it disturbing. he said stuff like "cum for daddy", "you have to keep quiet or your mom will hear" etc. and I said I didn't like talking during sex prior to this AAAAAND I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY VERY BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD so this made me nauseous and I told him I didn't like talking like that during sex. i don't even remember his response but he did it like 2-3 more times before he stopped but like omg I felt so uncomfortable. he kept asking what kinks I had and I said I enjoy hair pulling, choking, being restrained and roughhoused but idk why he translated it into dd/lg.

I had told him vulnerable things about myself that he didn't understand like my anxiety, issues with my period pain, my relationship with my dad and some things about sugar babying. and he really thought he could fix all these things.

third thing. he sent me links to oils, meditation methods and other "natural" ways of getting rid of period pains. and I tell him thank you but if this worked I'd know already. and he's like "but it works for some" and I'm like I'm not saying it isn't, it's just the fact that I almost got immune to strong pain killers specifically made for cramps so rubbing some lavender oil on my vulva won't do shit boy.

fourth. I get that he was probably trying to be nice and give me compliments and I told him I was insecure about my tits because they're not that big. they're a size AA and A on food days I guess. but he said every time that my boobs had gotten bigger like, I'd have a F cup at this point if they actually were getting bigger and he noticed it every time. then however he started saying "your ass had gotten bigger" and it made me feel so selfcouncious. he KNEW about my ed and he KNEW I was still having issues with it so I don't understand why that comment was necessary???? I spiraled after hearing those comments and almost started dieting and skipping meals again because of those comments. and I know it's in and hot to have a big ass rn but o don't want one, love em on other people but I don't want one bc o feelnotd be disproportionate with my small chest and I already feel so uncomfortable sometimes with not being curvy and like it messes me up ......

and just being treated like a sex object in general. sure it was a sexual arrangement, but some respect please.....he would call me sexy even though I said I didn't like that comment bc I didn't see myself as sexy and didn't think it described me well (plus I look younger than I am so it makes me kind of uncomfortable). and saying only things about my body and how hot and sexy I am and it didn't make me feel good. ever. I don't think he ever complimented me on anything else but looks and it gets very boring after a while.

the end of it. as we know I'm in Korea rn studying and he knew this since months back and we hadn't talked since my bday in February and I avoided sc bc we almost only talked there but then I posted something and he replies around July/August and never stops writing even though I don't reply for 1-4 days. immature of me maybe but I was working a lot and didn't even think of replying bc it gave me anxiety to talk to him at this point.

then September. it's 1 month left until I leave and I have a LOT to fix before going and friends to say bye to. he says "can we meet this weekend" and I tell him I work weekends and I have other things to do almost every weekend up to when I leave and idk if I'll have time. he kept pushing again and again and I told him I didn't have time. then like a week left and he asks me to come over tonight and he knows I need to know these things I'm advance or I don't do it bc I'm not an impulsive person. and I tell him "honestly I don't think I will have the time to see you before I leave. I want to say bye to my close friends and my family" and he's like "wouldvevliked to see you one time before you leave though ://" butbi don't reply.

I talk to a few friends and they tell me to break it off but I only did it last week and BOY. I sent him a message on fb saying that I'm sorry but I don't think this kind of relationship works for me anymore, I'm not interested in it and won't be when I come back either probably and I say that I hope he understands. and he just replies "what kind of relationship is this?" and I say fwb at best. and he's like. .....well...I was hoping for more but I could sense you didn't want it.

LIKE!!!!!WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME SO WE BOTH DIDNT WASTE TIME OMG. LIKE HES AN ADULT. A FULL BLOWN ADULT. HES TURNING 30 NEXT YEAR.

but I tell him yea no I was never looking for that and we agreed on nothing more. and he's like "too bad liked your vibe" and I laughed out loud bc omg that's hilarious!!!! also fuck you. and I say sorry again and that I'm not looking for anything at all and he asks "why?" this dude has the audacity to ask WHY I don't want to suck his dick and I'm trying to be nice about it but I said "do I need more of an explanation than that I don't want to?" and he's like no, but hmu if you change your mind. he also said he wasn't looking for a normal relationship, he wanted something between fwb and a real relationship whatever that means and like ugh I'm so tired....

In conclusion I hate men and I removed him from sc and fb.

[moonstarpetals]

as sleep embraces me in her arms; as darkness kisses my forehead, here are the 21 things i’ve learned from life as i turn 21 in 30mins :

1) God is faithful, and He is loyal. No matter how far you think you have gone, He will always love you and want you back.

2) always choose to see the good in people. even though first impressions count, never judge a book by its cover

3) when things don’t go as planned, never blame it on yourself or on God. God never hands you things that you aren’t ready for, even in the bad- there is still good.

4) family > everything else.

5) life is too short to have ugly nails. pamper yourself once in a while (or every other month)

6) drink lots of water, it’s victoria’s secret to good skin (and so is sleep)

7) feedback can be a bitch, but don’t let it tear you down. take it in bc you’re strong, no one says it’s all flowers and roses. but when u absorb it and improve, you will be a better updated ios version of you.

8) you don’t have to disrespect them like how they did 2 you- don’t stoop to their level. people have eyes n ears.

9) be honest with yourself and your feelings. if you’re not having a good day, don’t pretend you are. feel it, internalize it, and love yourself.

10) it’s really good to just not give a fuck sometimes. take it easy on yourself

11) it’s okay to be emotional. you’re you. but don’t let it consume you.

12) invest in good skincare products and not makeup

13) take your time to figure things out. as much as you think there’s a timeline to life, there isn’t.

14) if you get stuck in a hole, you can always get out (thanks dad)

15) be kind to the people around you, you don’t know what’s behind that smile

16) friends come and they go. those who are meant 4 u, will come back

17) letting go can be a bitch, but oh will it save you

18) the best things in life sometimes come in ugly looking boxes

19) there are good people out there, you just haven’t met them yet

20) mum’s always right, your dad will always be your protector, your grandma will love you to the moon and your sisters will always be your bestest friends

21) invest your time in people that matter 💜

ily all 💜 thank you for supporting me

[azoraahai]

1, 2, 11 and 14!!!

1.) what are your top 3 favorite sets you’ve made? i’ve already this here, but i’ll be more than happy to share more!! this merthur set with sign of the times lyrics!! it still makes me depressed every time i think about it. my inej ghafa set for soc week! i think that was one of the first few layout sets i’ve done and god i love that one sm!! the purple is just so vibrant and pretty!! my kaz brekker set is way more on the simpler side of how i make my gifs now, but god i love the vibe, the scenes i chose that make him look completely unhinged ( as he should be ) plus the book quotes!! one of my favs!!

2.) what is your least favorite set you’ve made? oh yikes, there’s a lot. im super fucking critical about my gifs so lemme dig through my archive real quick lol. okay this one isn’t bad by any means but i just absolutely despise it: grishaverse + colors of the sky. again, it’s not bad. but i blend gifs SO MUCH better now than i did back then. it’s cool to see how much i’ve grown tho!

11.) what is that one set you made that just won’t die? HA there’s too fucking many!!!! mainly my marvel sets and now recently stranger things. but the one,,,, the one set i’ll see in my notifs and cry from laughing so hard every time,,, it’s my tony stark fuck you set. the only set to have been close to reaching 30k which is fucking mindblowing!!!!!!!

14.) how long does it usually take you to make a set? it really depends on the set. some can take me 30min-1hr, some take me a week. most of my recent sets have been like 3-4hrs all together! i always usually get distracted bc i always end up rewatching scenes instead of actually giffing it lol.

send me some gif-maker questions!

[nevertrustamanwho]

Vent

this is not a ntam, more of a vent.. i don’t really have anyone to talk to :( sorry, it got very long, i hope that’s okay. some backstory: i’m on vacation in senegal, where my dad is from, visiting my (half)sister, living with her and her husband, it’s a big house, divided in flats basically, his mom lives here and family stays here when they’re i town.. also i don’t really identify as a woman/girl

since four days his nephew’s staying here for work. he’s abt 10 years older than me. most ppl here a very religious but he drinks and stuff, so we went out to have some beer, also he speaks english and i don’t speak french or wolof (native language here)

he was like “you can tell me anything, i’m cool” regarding drinking & smoking. he asked if i smoke weed, i said yes. we go out i have a beer, don’t even finish it. he asks a friend if he can get some weed (i didn’t ask him to). while we’re at the pub he asks me shit like if i have a bf i say no, he’s like “i can’t believe that” i’m like “i don’t want one, most guys are annoying af, can’t just chill always have to try some shit”(also i’m not interested in any guy atm).

also he tells me i could be a model, but i don’t think much about it bc a lot of people tell me that and i actually want to get into it. he also tells me he thinks we’ll get along, i’m like “sure i get along with most weed smokers.”

he keeps asking me questions like “what’s the craziest thing you’ve done. me: “idk” he: ”sleep w/ a girl?” i say “no, i like girls but haven’t done anything w/one”. we go back, bc his family is asking where we are, they can’t know he drinks. before we leave he pay but i offer to pay for my own stuff and he says “women here don’t have to pay for anything”

later his friend brings him weed and when his family sleeps we smoke in his room. he tells me he likes me, my innocent thinking, stupid ass: “your cool too”. we get high. he asks „you want to sleep in my room tonight?“ i’m like „no, lmao“. that’s when i start to feel weird abt the evening.

my left arm is full of scars from when i used to cut myself, he points that out and asks where it’s from, i say i used to cut myself, he’s like “why?“ i just say “i had and have depression” he says he gets it bc he lived in the u.s. but can’t understand “how you could do that to yourself” and basically wants me to tell him everything abt it. i say:”you won’t understand it bc you don’t have it and i don’t do it anymore” he keeps pushing and asks me why i won’t share it with him, like i didn’t just meet him that day.. also i don’t talk abt anything with anyone. he also asked if i’m depressed at that moment. i say “no” and am annoyed and he says “i’m just fucking with you haha” to which i just respond that he’s not funny and doesn’t get it.

we chill and he keeps asking weird question. if i dated a black/senegalese guy before, kissed or slept w/ one i say no, he asks if i want to, me: i don’t care where someones from or what his skin colour is but i don’t want to w/ you. (he has the ashiest elbows i’ve ever seen) he wants to kiss me i say no, and he’s like: “i just think it’s sad you’ve never kissed your people before, like your senegalese side” ?!?!???(i think to myself, like my disgusting dad didn’t kiss me against my will enough) and tells me he likes me. i keep saying i don’t want to and have to point to my cold sore (i was starting to get ill) to get him to stop. he asks if i’m a virgin, (no) since when i’m not if it was with my first and only boyfriend (no) and what i like in bed and what i know abt sex, where i know it from. (i don’t want to tell him “oh, y’kno my brother sexually abused me when we were kids and made me addicted to porn and then i let older guys use me when i was 15 and wasted” and lots of other reasons, also bc it’s none of his fucking business especially since we talked abt how people here care to much abt what you’re doing not abt what they’re doing..) i don’t really say anything he asks if it’s from movies and vids, i say “yes” so he’ll leave me alone. he says “oh, you’re a bad girl” and smiles.. fucking dickhead.

at some point he asks if i could see me with a hijab (?!???) i just say “i’m not muslim, or religious in any way.” i kinda jokingly ask him if he could see himself in one. he doesn’t get it and says that it’s not for men.. also he asked me if he could see me without glasses like it’s something special..

he tries to tell me all this shit i already know like black people in the u.s. are at the bottom bc the system oppresses them (which i’m using pretty easy language for right now but his was even easier probably bc he thought “that woman couldn’t know anything, abt anything”), media paints a picture to support a narrative blablabla like i know all of this and also i’m high and just wanna chill.

then he starts this conversation abt how there is no explanation on how humans and exist and what was before. i’m like “dude have you never heard of dinosaurs?” and he actually asks me “is there any proof that they existed?”….. me: “fossils!?!????” and he asks if i’ve seen them… i think, is this idiot fucking serious??? but since i’ve actually been to the natural history museum where i live and they have, among other things, a huge tyrannosaurus skeleton, i can say “yes, and also what would anyone get out of making that up?”. and he’s basically just like “oh”. he is now talking abt how we don’t know what we’re made of.. i’m like “atoms, everything’s made of atoms” then he asks what they’re made of (which i actually kinda know but not their name and also 1. i’m not a scientist and 2. google is still free) and also i know we don’t know everything but like don’t try to tell me we don’t know shit that we actually know. and then he tells me this story about how he knows what happens bc “HE” (god) told him. and it’s like there was only one star that was feeling lonely and then he made himself into another star, trying to tell me it’s a scientific and spiritual fact whatever the fuck that means (i’ll give him that new stars form when old ones collapse but it’s really not that easy). and with everything i was just like “yeah you can believe whatever you believe, but i’ll believe what i believe and don’t try to push your beliefs on me” and thinking “dude when the fuck did i ever ask for you opinion on anything??”

i had all these other points to make (why would you think god’s a man, why do you think you’re right when you’ve been raised to be religious and i formed my opinions for myself? also i don’t say im right) but i let him believe what he believes and also don’t give enough of a shit abt him to care

anyway the next morning he comes to my sisters flat and calls me “miss atom” i call him “mister religious” he corrects me with “spiritual”.. whatever.. later my sister says we should do a siesta and he says only if I invite him, i say i don’t care, do what you want. i purposefully stay on the couch while he and my sister are on a mattress and he “jokingly” says that my sister should go over and i should come to him. me:”she can come over here but i won’t come over there”

then somehow we/he get into a convo abt marriage, i say idc abt that, if i love someone i don’t need to prove that by marrying. he tries to talk me into it, if it‘s his culture or religion, and his parents i say i don’t care, what do they have to do with our relationship (also thinking that if i’d ever marry it would be a woman, only if she wanted tho) and it just gives me the whole „asking for a friend“ vibe.

this day i actually get ill so i just stay in my room, mostly to avoid him. i’ve been ill since then and he asks me 10times a day if i feel better yet, like it would change in the 30min you left my alone. one time he even called me “baby-*my*name*” which might have been nice if he wouldn’t have done all that out her shit.. but still condescending.

this morning he came up and i was changing in my room, my door wasn’t closed all the way but when i heard he was up i closed it properly and while i was completely naked he comes in without knocking, it really wasn’t on purpose but still made me fucking pissed. so today when he asks me if i can give him some water (i was pouring something to drink for myself, but it also pisses me of that the men here always ask women to get them shit) i just wanted to throw the glas into his face and tell him to get his own shit.

basically he is just really annoying and invasive, but i can’t really say anything bc i’m a guest and don’t want to be rude, i might anyway at some point and if he has a problem with it i’ll just snitch to his family 🤷🏽‍♀️

also this fucking stupid pissward works for the government.. the world is doomed people!

---

There are quite a few red flags in this story, as well as a strong superiority complex coming from him. I’d definitely be wary of the guy and never be alone in a room with him. Personal space and boundaries are something he doesn’t seem to care about.

[taesflower]

post ten facts about yourself and send it on to ten of your faves!! ❣❣

Lina!! Ilysm!!  💕

I love flowers so much!! 🌸 like give me flowers and you own my ass

I tend to overwork ha ha ha... :’)

I can be a perfectionist from time to time. :3 especially when I’m organizing my notesI’m really bad at rating things as well as choosing things.

I’m like “whatever” 90% of the time, like when asked: “between this and that what would you like more?” or “would you rather...?”, my answer most of the time is whatever jsdhf.

Um I’m a very shy and nervous person? I tend to eat my words and letters sometimes even mix them up when I talk and type especially when I talk for too long or I’m in the center of attention. Whenever I’m supposed to hold a conversation I tremble a lot and talk really fast and my heart feels like it’s gonna explode and the heat dear god dksgk.

Oh yeah I tremble a lot?? Like I can’t take a pic with one hand, and sometimes you can see how much my hands trembling when I hold a class or food. And sometimes it gets really bad that I can’t hold anything ksdjgfjkd.

Music is everything to me tbh. I can’t do anything without music! I listen to music while I’m studying, eating and I fall asleep while listening to music. :3 I don’t have earphones atm so I’m ;;;

I don’t know how to use makeup bc I don’t wear make up at all and when I have to my mom/sis does it for me. i cry ;;;

I LOVE ANIMALS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

I’m slow? It takes me sometimes 30min to register the obvious ksjdgfd

[squid-inspiration]

you’re so productive! any advice for finding writing time? (esp for ppl who spend almost all their time reading and can’t stop...)

ah god, idk if i’d call myself productive, i don’t even have a lot of fics on ao3? but i do write a lot, a good amount is just original work or not on ao3 yet. w an exhausting job and a daily 4h commute, i have like 3.5ish hours left at the end of the day to take care of cooking, sucky adult responsibilities like bills, etc. so I FEEL YOU.

idk if this is much use to anyone but me, but i’ll just list stuff that i feel helps me Get Shit Written in no particular order. it’s not necessarily “how to make time for writing” but rather “how to not get stuck so you can actually make progress in those 20min you have per day”.

HOW THE SQUID GETS STUFF WRITTEN

aim for routine. i fail this as often as not, but when i got home i take care of dull adult stuff and food etc, and i get to piss around on random websites a bit, but i try to sit down at ~11pm so i have an hour to spend on writing. i generally don’t do an actual hour of writing, but eh, i try.

writing sprints! i used to do nanowrimo, and i long for my highschool days where i once hammered out 175k IN A MONTH. how?! (i mean the story sucked, but still!) these days if i’m struggling i sometimes set a timer for 20-30min and just. write. i can get distracted again after, but that time is for writing. usually i can manage 400-700 words in one go, not all of which are brilliant. which leads me to…

EDITING. editing is your friend. i often write snippets out of order to get down the precise wording of sth when it pops into my head. i’m not afraid to look at a fic overall and move entire scenes around, modifying them so they fit better, etc. i don’t much stress “does this scene segue perfectly into the next” when i first write it down. essentially, do your best, but don’t get hung up, bc first drafts are supposed to suck. in movies, you film the footage, but the film is created in editing. i try to treat my writing the same way.

don’t be precious! this is where my animator mindset kicks in i guess lol. i’m not afraid to toss stuff out. if i write 300 words to get a point across and it’s clunky, well whatever, move on and revisit. oh hey, upon revisiting, turns out i can express all that in 47 words! delete the other 253 words, move on. hey i love this scene, but it kind of breaks the flow and doesn’t entirely fit in this place for the emotional/thematic arc - transplant it elsewhere, make adjustments to fit it into its new place, move on. it’s like gesture drawing: capture the essence quickly, worry abt anatomy later. get the bones & big shapes in place first. if i have the emotional core of the scene that’s the important part and the transitions and fixing can come later, no prob, moving on.

this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put effort into it, i put my heart & soul into everything i write, but better get it done than perfect. this stops me from getting too hung up on a “perfect” result.

carry a notebook! i always have one on me, and sometimes a sketchbook too. just jot down random dialogue snippets, sentences, metaphors, etc. idk how ppl survive w/o notebooks, i get anxiety if i don’t have at least an old grocery bill & a pencil on me. i don’t rly write during the 4h/day i spend on the train bc i hate ppl being able to read what i write in public, but i take lots of notes. i also just. think a lot abt what i want to write, i suss out just the right phrases etc, and when i get home i often feel good and ready to go!

i guess this kinda goes along w my “keep the big picture in mind” attitude. i try to know the ending as soon as possible so i can measure everything i write against it. does this scene in some way, shape or form support the arc leading us from the beginning to this ending? no? DELETE. or adjust until it does. i know this is more plotting/structure than “making time,” but having a general idea of where i’m going helps me to go go go when i have the time to write, rather than floundering aimlessly about for 15min of the 20 i have.

GET A WRITING BUDDY. i would like to sing the praises of @brightbluedot here, who is the literal bestest anyone could ask for. i know some ppl don’t like showing their messy WIPs, but i LOVE tossing stuff at ppl bc i am in constant need of validation lmao. kicking ideas around and talking out loud abt my difficulties works magic for my problem-solving - i’m an animator, so i’m used to running my stuff past ppl and getting continuous feedback. it can be v painful but it HELPS ME SO MUCH. 

and often i’m like. “oh hey if i write this then i can throw 200 words of it at audrey and we can freak out over these losers together!!” like. i cannot overstate how much i like sharing stuff w ppl, if anybody wrote to me “hey how’s this or that WIP coming along” i’d smother them in 500 words in a heart beat, i’m that kind of person. so ofc i need to have 500 words to throw at ppl! this… makes me feel like a sad person, but i’m a pro at emotional oversharing, so there you have it i guess. insecurity & attention-seeking = motivation to do stuff for validation & attention lmao.

be emotionally fragile as fuck. did mention yet i have a thin skin? it is THE THINNEST. drama kills my mojo instantly, so a lot of the time i used to spend writing meta or interacting w the fandom is just spent writing instead. kinda sad honestly, but these days i spend v little time hanging out in the tag and just try and keep up w a handful of ppl

sometimes ppl also write stuff that’s so good i bums me out, which is not a happy way to react to great wrtiing, but i’m being emotionally honest here, so there ya go. i sometimes just need to stop looking at other people’s stuff to stop myself from comparing how many click&comments&kudos they get, bc that’s a) not an indicator of quality and b) even if it was, who fucking cares, ppl like what they like and that’s how it should be, the point is i shouldn’t even care in the first place! this way i spend more time focusing on getting stuff done, too. instant time-saver.

ok uh, idk if any of this is even remotely what you asked for, but ummm i tried?? looking back i guess the last two points are pure salt uhhh. 

i hope there’s maybe a little nugget of helpful advice in this rambling mess :’D i’m a professional procrastinator, so this is p much just how i try to trick myself into being productive and motivated when i do have the time to write.

[cheswirls]

i have so many thoughts and its about 430 am so lets get started before they get scrambled.

i decided to read red potter and the middleground, but because i finished one so early in the morning, i had to hold off on the other for a bit, until this -past, i guess- evening. i had read for sure a chapter of the middleground previously, maybe two, but i’ve read too much now that the recollection isn’t coming to me like it came in small bursts through reading through chapter one again. i think it was another instance when i got extremely busy and had to put it down, maybe tac2 took over, dunno, but i got back to it now bc im still on the post-playthrough-of-white high and anything deep in unova is good and lu is fantastic so i knew this would be fantastic and is was right.

it’s a very dark read? unexpected, then again, its centered around a war, so also i shouldve expected it. the realization hit me around the third chapter, i think, when the nimbasa incident happened. very dark and very good. and emotional, i dunno how many times ive cried tonight but its been a night/twilight. the whole story basis with the center legend of unova and all the olden history is really good, its all really boosting my unova high like this is exactly what ive been needing to find, and all the characters it brings in despite the animeverse of it all -benga, n, touko!!- and the roles they play just really made it better, its kind of shallow but i like it even moreso because of the additions and though the story kept me highly entertained and drawn in there were a couple moments when i wished like oh man i hope the story has n in it bc n man jus n i need n content and then bam mentioned and now hes officially in it sort of i mean yeah he is. in the story. and this was early on like during the first few chapters so i had to hold out but it was worth it like, the story is interesting with the anime characters and i knew it was gonna be aniverse going into it and it was good and fine and still is good and fine. 

i dont remember when i started wishing for touko but man oh man it happened and i was like damn this could happen i wish she was kinda here bc i think i had begun to pick up on something and then later i really picked up on it which i will get to later and them bam another happy revelation and i am still like. touko. shes here. shes a part of the story. this is awesome.

anyway before this gets too long to massively too long, this is basically going to be a big analysis and happy-rant post, so if you have not read the middleground by the amazing @pkmncoordinators, you should do so here but then like leave this post until you do and then come back, that would be good. the rest is under a cut to save peoples dashes, sorry this is mega long already aha.

i played ghetsis’ battle theme through a chapter and it mustve been a shorter one bc it lasted me -30min- near the entire chapter. maybe the one beginning w the drayden and alder talk? or the dragonspiral tower one? or maybe theyre the same, its been a long night of binging this entire work. anyway. it set the mood for whatever chapter like i intentionally was like oh this theme is a little foreboding lets play it. and i had it down so low sometimes i could only hear the percussions to it, but it was still there, setting the tone.

otherwise, i found myself only keeping to n music. maybe there were a couple plays of unova e4, way in the very beginning of the first/second chapters, maybe, but for the most part, i kept with n’s songs. the bridge, some, the castle and battle theme, a lot. some renditions of such in b2w2 style. i tried to play through the music of n’s room in the castle, but i had to stop after a little into it, maybe ten minutes, because it was getting all these feelings out of me and i felt like if i played it all i would ‘tire it out’, so to speak, even though that hasnt happened w any of the tracks thus far, but i really want that to be a special one i  have on to draw inspiration from. later into the night/morning, whenever, i did decide to try out a remix of it via the b2w2 track of the same theme. the tune is in a slightly different pitch, but more than that, it gets distorted, almost corrupted, throughout and differentiates itself that way from the original, so i did end up playing through that no problem. i cant recall now if i ever played a theme back to back, i think i switched after the 30min was over, which, understandable, it’d been looping for half an hour. but i think i did play it again maybe once, which is fine. good.

but enough with music meta. its interesting, maybe thats where the draws of ‘where’s n?’ came from, but its not the focus.

oooh boy lets talk about various things that i will address here bc its 5am now and i need to not lose track. the n thing. um. the touko revelations. remember liberty, because the truth will set you free. the hero of truth. the opening chapter remarks. the possible sourgrapes. the viewpoints thing. there is probably more i will get to later in a different post but these are the current things for the morning.

first i wanna talk abt touko, hilda, whatever. small note so i dont appear brash, to ppl who dont really follow my content, i just dont really like the names hilda and hilbert. hilda is slowly growing on me, but missy always called the protag touko, and it really grew on me, and i live the name now, so thats what i always defer to her as. jus a preference thing.

so, i had no idea and i had every idea. oh my god. lu, you are so good at the foreshadowing stuff, serious. a master at it. i didnt pick up on the nimbasa trainer mention, or maybe i did but its been long ago now and i dont remember it. if she appeared before then i already dont remember the callback to it, oops. anyway. it was after that, for sure, if not before, that i did pick up on the brunette trainer and thought ‘damn if that was touko tho thatd be so rad’. really thinking it was in the electronic store in striaton, but that seems so far away from nimbasa like there mustve been something in between but i dont think so? so that. and then in the next, black city? abt the brunette trainer watching the tv, and i think i had the same thought except it was during ghetsis’ speech so between both moments brunette trainer was mentioned. i think i picked up on the repeated mentions of brunette trainer when she and iris locked eyes to see her also packing to leave the center. it was a thought more along the lines of ‘brunette trainers seem to be standing out to me more or are i guess being detailed more than other trainers’ than out of suspicion. i was picking up the repeated characteristic, but more of the notion that it was being named over and over, instead of anything real behind it. like, okay, there are a lot of brown haired trainers around, that works.

it was maybe in icirrus if that was the next thing, i tried to look and think i confirmed that was the next thing based on the recall conversation, so yes. in icirrus, my memory is really failing me sorry!!, somewhere, the first mention or maybe if that first mention was the brunette trainer across the hall in another room, my mind clicked. and it was like, oh, this brunette trainer might actually be all the same person. and i started to think again, wow, what if that person was touko bc i was really passionate abt it and i couldnt come up with who else bc i didnt have the focus i was still actively reading the store yknow? if was nothing about the being followed, i had to wait for the others to catch on and tell the reader before i got that aha. but i did! get! the touko part. it was when iris woke up from the comatose and all those scenes started playing out, maybe she mentioned not disturbing the others or cilan when they were talking, or georgia when she ran off, or something abt the trainer in another room, or a revelation dawned i guess somewhere in those scenes. and i was like oh my god that has to be touko god wow. im really losing my original train of thought i apologize. still recovering from sickness, and the whole long night thing. so something along that thought, but then it sorta got forgotten bc shit got real w virgil and the truth seekers being there, and i didnt recall again until she approached cilan during the counter sheidl -niiiiice throwback, by the way- training, and i was like !!!!!!!!!!!! that HAS to be touko and then she led him away and the whole scene played out and i remember scanning the page briefly, jus flicking my eyes over to see if i saw the namedrop and didnt, so i got entranced in the scene and then benga was like ‘hilda get the other three’ and TOUKO!!!!! WAS THERE OMG!!!! like confirmed, in the flesh, it was great its great what a great thing to add wow. and then the recall conversation happened and i began to pick up and was like wow they were being followed and didnt even remember the brunette trainer mentioned in nimbasa, barely remembered someone with a samurott led the charge to put out the fires, so that was a surprise. of course, that was such an intense scene, and i remember having a small breakdown around then bc burgundy said something about how she couldve been in one of those rooms and that chilled her and it sent me wild bc it was scary to think about, it really was chilling, this story really is dark che wow. 

so i was proud of myself for picking up on that, the touko thing, but i probably wouldve been in the dark completely had i read it and not recently played through white and mind being constantly on that region and those characters right now. 

that was super long. um. next thing is liberty bc i can remember it. the line is, im pretty sure, just remember liberty, because the truth will/can set you free. and its really only because im so into unova right now, but back at the first chapter today, my mind immediately picked up ‘oh liberty island’. except its not island, its liberty garden-island, thing, but still. the liberty just connected, and i had it, and so like when iris busted out like hey we’re not flying to nimbasa we’re going to liberty garden i was like yh guys cmon take a hint. but i really think it was probably creative and thought-provoking to others, a bit of a twister, to liek other readers like this isnt a callout on an easy riddle, jus a notion i picked up on easily. actually i remember the castelia thing confusing me, but there was also some disconnect because the liberty line want being used, it was just being mentioned that everyone seeking the seekers was heading to castelia, like the two were never paired i dont recall of. and it happened every time. i was like okay yes theyre at libery garden, then castelia was mentioned and i was like okay theyre at castelia. they never really crossed so they never crossed in my mind. it wasnt until the group landed in castelia i think that my mind connected, ah yes, liberty garden is off the coast of the city. i do wonder how plasma figured it out though. i think earlier speculation was on the touko-n relationship compromising the location, though im not sure how that would work in the first place, so it seems more likely someone jus picked up on the insinuation like i did, jus made the connection, tho i dunno who.

really quick hero of truth revelation thing. it took me a couple reads to grasp, like iris realized something cilan didnt but he went away and it took me, i had to read it over a few times because she realized something so therefore the readers have to realize as well, and then i made the connection that cilan was related to the hero of truth therefore making him the hero of truth. that couldve been phrased better unless cress and chili are somehow included which i think not, too many motifs, but the point comes across. i might not have made the connection had i not read earlier in the day about iris slipping cilan reshiram’s pokeball, something i stumbled upon before i started reading the entire thing oops so maybe that was a giveaway that helped me work through it, maybe i just connected based on the ancestor stuff, dunno. 

i still havent figured out whos writing the chapter intros and its getting to me!! i dunno if we’re supposed to know yet, at first i felt like cilan, and then a vague collection of others, maybe trip with the camera capture in black city, and then maybe touko at the end tho i feel like something was mentioned that was confidential and that she wouldn’t have known about. then again i suppose sharing stories and then recounting could come into play, in which case benga could also be writing them.. i dont’ feel like its someone currently irrelevant, tho. like, i don’t think it’s luke, or bianca, or someone kinda disconnected like that. its probably a spoiler for you to say whom, which okay, fair, but i hope someone signs off on the intros in the last chapter, or that theres something to pick up on to discover it ourselves, or maybe its not important, but i really gotta know eventually.

someone mentioned days ago about something like not being into wishfulshipping and then something about sourgrapes was mentioned, i really dont remember that well, but i started to pick up on it throughout, especially with all the camping scenes, and remembering you liked sourgrapes so much, and is it possible to confirm that thats a ship in this fic? or, has a possibility? i think i’m picking up on it, but it could be friendship, im not sure.

these next two are the last two for now i think. first, viewpoints, because this story delves into such a cast of characters and i think the same story told from the viewpoint of others would be so interesting, like told through the eyes of benga or touko, or even elesa possibly, and if you ever like wanna divulge in that or after you get done wouldnt mind someone taking a shot at it and working with for accuracy reasons, that would be pretty cool. and you have your first volunteer.

second and last is the n thing. i think a little is just meta, which i want to make a full post on later in time, so this may or may not tie in not sure. just, real brief, isn’t n such an interesting character? i really just, i dunno if i like him like i like others, but i really find his dynamic interesting. keeping it short, bc meta, the boy really grew up differently than a “normal” human. the proper socialization was there, sort of, because he can walk and speak and was educated like hes a math geniusa nd stuff, but he wasn’t socially educated. a lot of people dont realize the two are different, i didnt until i took an intro to sociology course this past fall semester. anyway tho. he really wasnt socially educated, and you can see that through all representations -cant speak for spe actually i havent read the arc yet- even in the anime, though far less likely than i would have liked, having rewatched the n arc a few days ago. the disconnect from people is there. n had tutors, but other than that he was in a room with his only company being pokemon formerly abused by people. that was it. not even normal pokemon, but those he had to gain the trust of first because they were misled by trainers. he doesn’t really know how to act with people. he talks fast, hes very blunt, he doesnt know the meaning of personal boundaries, et cetera. he was, practically, raised in a cult. led to believe only the cult’s beliefs. and its only through getting out of his room and around unova, at least in the game, that he begins to develop his own thouhgts and ideas and morals, that he begins to doubt what hes been preached his whole life. this is getting a bit like so im gonna cut, but i just, n is such an interesting character. the tie in. already, in the tv announcement, his voice is ethereal and i could picture it, could play the sound in my mind based off the anipoke and the gens voices, because both of those are genuinely how n sounds to me, i can see it perfectly it just works like there is no other voice for him. i could picture that when he spoke. and already, with the dreamy, far-off gaze, and it hardening, i can see his characterization is going to be so great in the middleground, and im so excited. i recently finished a fic where his characterization to me was absolutely perfect, and even as it evolved, that standard didnt diminish, because the evolution was so seamless and good that the changes to him felt right, felt realistic.

im realizing now this sounds like a do-good-or-there-will-be-consequences thing, which is not my intention. im just, i really wanted a story with n, one i knew would be good, and the middleground is it at the moment. and i know youll do a good job because i liked tac so much, which featured n, and already its the little things with middleground!n that are already so good, and this was really just me saying thank you and i cant wait, and so thank you and i cant wait for more. i cant wait to see more of n, no matter how small a role, or how big iunno, he plays, its already so good for such a complex character with such a grey background. morally grey, ethically grey, realistically grey, just grey. 

all in all, the middleground is amazing so far, i love it so so much, and once again, i cant wait for more. thank you for such an amazing piece thus far, lu. its past 6am now so its taken me a bit to get through this post, i hope the majority makes sense. and i cant wait to see what comes next with the story.

[x-avantgarde]

SHINee World V - Hong Kong Experience!

So hello everyone owo I went to Shinee's World V, Hong Kong stop's concert!! (This is a Kpop post, I know but I will be back for vkei in the future! So please stay tuned!!) :D I bought the tickets really late orz and so before I start, I would like to apologize because I don't really know SHINee that well (I know them but I wasn’t a Shawol or anything) and I went because my mom likes Taemin (and SHINee) a lot XDD  (beware of this long ass post haha (it’s 2000+ words orz)

So we arrived at the venue at around 2pm? The merchandise opens at noon but I had this lesson that ends at noon so... We had lunch before we went to the venue (and the place is super far lol, but it's super close to the airport). Me and my mom took the airport express line from Kowloon (Elements?) to Asia World Expo and it was actually pretty quick (~20mins?). But the fare was super expensive OTL (though you get a discount if you show them your concert ticket).

There were A LOT of people lining up for the merch when I got there, but I wanted to get the light stick so badly (because I don't have one? XD) so I just lined up (like whatever haha). The line was super long, the merch was outside but the lines looped into the area where the standing went and waited. Around 30mins in the line I met people from my school lmao XD (so awkward bc we're actually not close?).

There were these people who approached us and asked us when we were in the line about whether we wanted light sticks or not (because they had "a bunch"). It was super fishy so I didn't get any, there were many cases in Kpop concerts where people sold fake light sticks :/// The official ones sold at 80HKD each but those people sold it at 60HKD each :////

After approximately two hours and fifteen minutes, I finally managed to get the merchandise :D Around halfway through the line, the staff gave us this sheet to write down what we wanted. In the end, I spent around 500HKD lmAO. I told myself I would only get the light stick and that was it, but you know what? I ended up getting an Onew fan, Onew key chain and these postcards (rip my money haha but it was so worth it). The Onew key chain is super duper cute!! owo (and yes my favourite member is Onew ouo)

It was around 4pm when we finished getting our merch, so me and my mom decided to go into this (kinda bad) cafe / restaurant place to sit down and eat something. I didn't eat anything because I literally just ate lunch three hours ago X"D Around 4:15, people were starting to line up. There are two places where you can go into the venue, one is on the ground floor, (for people in standing (who already got in) and people from the seating (block 5-13 (aka every block)) in the first rows. (A-M)). I was in block 10 row L so I had to get in on the ground floor.

Around 5:00 we went to line up and get ready to get in. The security was super strict and there were these Japanese girls in front of me who got cut off because they found a camera (but the girl said she went to disneyland and that's why she bought it). They took super long T___T until they finally managed to check my god damn bag. I bought a small-ish backpack but they literally took out everything T______T I understand that they didn't want any cameras inside the venue and stuff, but... uhhh really???

Me and my mom managed to get in, and we walked up the stairs (finally) and found our seats!! :))) On our seats, there was a pack, which included an balloon, a fan (double sided with a member's face) and this banner in Korean //orz what does it mean haha//. I got Key's fan so it's okay /but ugly sobbing because I didn't get Onew T_T/.

It was supposed to start at 6pm but they were super late (because Taemin had this earpiece problem so he kept apologizing during the introduction / first MC T___T (like CHILD ITS OK (let me give you a hug lmao). When the fans sat down, it felt super unreal, and it all felt like a dream. When the lights dimmed and we started screaming and chanting, "SHINEE! SHINEE! SHINEE!" They played a video (to our disappointment haha).

After that Shinee cAME OUT :DD They started with the song Sherlock and it's super good XD But I didn't warm up yet so I was kinda stiff and I didn't scream and all. (For some reason, I felt super awkward). But I was waving my light stick, just enjoying Shinee performing :))

The next song was Married To The Music and I was starting to get more hyped :) I lowkey sang along XDD I think they came out in suits or something (i forgot orz). Then the next song was Juliet (and the chorus is so catchy?!?!) After these three songs, it was MC timeeee! ^^ they started talking about how they haven't been to Hong Kong for a long time (around four years??) so they were really happy to be back. Key mentioned about how HK food was really good or something haha.

(Starting from this part, the order of the songs are going to be all messed up). They changed clothes somewhere after the MC or something like that (they changed way too often!!). I got more warmed up as Reply came up :DD Everyone sang along to it (and dude it's so good hahaha). You know how people would scream when a member's part comes up? That was me when Onew's part came up XD But it felt like I was the only Onew fan in my section because when Onew sings there were nearly NO ONE screaming T__T (It felt lowkey awkward because I would only be hearing my screams hahaha).

Then midway they changed into casual and I swear, Key looks SO GOOD in real life. During Lucifer, I was so hyped hahahaha. Key took off his white jacket because it was "too stiff and too hard to dance in it", and also he was like, "I look better without it". OMG XDD And guess what was underneath his jacket? A grey sleeveless shirt. SLEEVELESS. HE LOOKED SO GOOOD OMG. XD In the middle of the setlist /forgot which song orz/ he made the hand heart and it got onto the mini screen on the side. I got /shot/ in the heart owo.

THIS IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE CONCERT FOR ME HAHA. OKAY. During some song, Minho winked and gave this smooch towards the crowd OMG. AND IT WAS LIKE WINK THEN AIR KISS. /DIES/ WHEN HE DID THAT, I LITERALLY SPAZZED OUT ON MY SEAT HAHAHA, I WAS LIKE 'WHAT IS LIFE?' (He is so extra?!?! X"D)

In the middle of the setlist, (ESPECIALLY DURING Everybody), I got super duper hyped and screamed like crazy whenever it was Onew's part X"D (and also when their choreography was super cool). LIKE WHO CARES, I'M HERE TO HAVE FUN BITCHES XD During Everybody, these Japanese girls (again XD ikr, they have a lot of Japanese fans haha), also got super hyped XDDD Even though we weren't supposed to film, no one honestly gives a shit? (including me lmao). I filmed for around 30s in total XD (just to document the hype and it's the only thing I can hold onto after the concert T_T (other than the merch)).

They also performed Why So Serious, 1 of 1, So Amazing, View (that was aWESOME), Ring ding dong (the crowd was so high XD (including me hahaha)), Prism, Feel Good (CLIMAX OF THE CRAZINESS HAHA), Shift (don't really remember anything XD (except the fact they performed this song). The atmosphere was so awesome!! :))

In around the first quarter? Two members changed first, then the others went. Key, Minho and Taemin stayed first X"D Minho or Key was like, "I'm wondering if any of the members off stage are eating right now (referring to Onew and Jonghyun)" XD Then Onew and Jonghyun came back, wearing silk material / soft / shiny fabric clothes :DD it was so cool haha. (I think they also performed Dream Girl but I don't remember what happened T_T).

(I'm listening to SHINee's songs while typing this up so ahahahahaha) They sang a lot of the slower songs during that silk material clothing part XD (whatever you call it haha). Onew and Jonghyun also sang a duet-- Please Don't Go. This song was so touching and T_T //feels// Onew's voice was so sweet <333 /melts/ (Jonghyun's voice is also good <33) Hopefully Jonghyun's not sick or anything because he struggled a lot with hitting the high notes T___T especially during the duet and Replay QAQ

During Feel Good, oh my... oh my... The lyrics in the chorus, "I can make you feel good" X"D Everyone sang along in that part and I was kind of hesitant but I GAVE UP. So I also sang along and that was sooooo fun. This was one of the songs I like hahahaha. Though I wished they performed Tell Me What To Do because Jonghyun's voice in that song is GREAT.

There were a lot of Key and Taemin fans hahaha. Whenever it would be Key or Taemin's part, girls in my section would be screaming ahahah (like me in Onew's part X"D). And Onew's smile just melts my heart ouo Taemin also did a solo performance, he performed Sayonara Hitori (in Korean). His costume was so cool (there were these ribbons(?) that are sewn onto his sleeves, so whenever he spreads his arms it would look kind of like wings :D There were also these long stripes of red fabric hanging from the ceiling. There were also smoke(?) in the floor to make it even more dreamy <33 When my mom heard that song, she shook my arm excitedly and said, "This is my favourite song from Taemin!!" /lmao/ It was super cool and I enjoyed every single second of it /and I lowkey sang along because it's so good hahaha/

Skipping to Aside!! It was actually when we were supposed to blow up the balloons (which had led lights inside of them). I struggled a lot (because honestly I've never successfully blown a balloon before... until now XD) but the crowd looked super good because of the flashy balloons :DD Even Jonghyun was thankful for what the fans had prepared :DD (because he mentioned it in the ending speech).

Skip skip skip, time for chanting the encore! The fans actually started singing happy birthday (in Korean) to Shinee (as it's nearly their 9th anniversary!) ^_^ Every time we want to start over again (by singing happy birthday), we would all laugh as we don't know when we should start singing again haahaha (if it makes any sense XD). They came out in the moving carts (LIKE FINALLY?!) and the crew played So Amazing in the background. I really wanted to get one of their signed balls (that sounds wrong LMFAO /i'm sorry/) but I didn't manage to get one T_T because Onew and Jonghyun actually tried throwing some to my section but they didn't manage to throw it pass the crew (bc the crew was sandwiched between my section + the moving carts) OTL

/HIGHLIGHT NUMBER 2/ Since Minho was the only one on his cart, he actually stopped in front of my section (directly in front of me) and did the hand heart (like the one you make the heart with your arms + head??) towards my section XD I cried ahaha, and you know what? Before I knew it, MY HANDS AUTOMATICALLY DID AN ARM/HAND HEART BACK TO HIM. HE WAS SMILING SO BRIGHTLY OH MY GOSH. (No one in front of me did a heart back so it's actually possible he might have seen me in the corner of his eyes /dies from happiness/ /but it's okay if he didn't actually see me because giving a heart towards my section is already good enough <333/)

They did the ending speech and they reminded us to support Key's new drama <33 Shinee also told us that they will be back soon (isn't that what all the overseas idols say lmao). And it ended! I was so sad T___T they played a video (or some MV /i forgot/) and in the end the screen said "Thank you and love you" XD It was really touching but my mom had to ruin the moment and said, "Yeah, more like thank you and love your money" LMAO.

It was such a great experience and I have definitely fell in love with Shinee :D (who wouldn't if they attended Shinee's concert haha). It was so different from Visual Kei's lives and I might be doing a comparison in the future so please stay in touch with me! <3

[jess-oh]

Reflection

aaaaaaaaahhhh i did too much today and didnt have enough time to dedicate to my schoolwork!!! Ahhhh!!!!

I FORSURE need to do my moodboards for Publication Design tomorrow and post my articles for negotiation skills and developing a marketing plan. And then after that... i want to do as much as I can. That includes reading for GD III, gathering information online before class on Wednesday, reading and annotating the physical article for developing a marketing plan and so on. I really hope work isn’t too busy tomorrow so I can just get everything done but even if it is, I’m going to just try and stay in the computer lab at school until I finish everything! I just gotta focus and get everything done at once so that I’m prepared for the week! It’s not that I’ve been procrastinating but I’ve been really busy with a lot of other things! I essentially have no time over the weekends anymore so Monday will be my “safe” day from now on until the end of October! Probably! EEEEEE! I do want to stay up and get some of this stuff done but I also know that it’s better to get a good night’s rest and be on time for work! Ido want to be more committed this year and do a better job at faithfully serving my customers with a smile and a good attitude! Haha. I have high hopes for the year so far!

I woke up at Esther’s this morning around 7am and 8:30am. Around 8:30am, I started reading 1 Samuel a bit again before preparing for the day by brushing my teeth and changing my clothes. I decided to wear my jumpsuit! I was kinda worried that it’d be awkward spending so much time with Esther but it wasn’t! I didn’t ask overly intrusive questions and just stayed surface level but we were still able to learn more about each other through that! I learned about her parents&siblings, her views on pets, her apartment, and so on. Very lighthearted and casual! And she bought me an iced blonde americano today! So kind and generous! It was actually a little bit awkward bc she insisted that she would pay but I confessed that I was just going to my backpack to take out my glasses so that I could see the menu. From her tone and offering, it seemed like she was willing to pay anyway and maybe I shouldn’t have assumed it. I felt kinda bad. Anyway, Johnathan picked us up and then we went to go get Daniel Kwon and had a pretty good time in the car ride to church! It did fall silent at times but overall, it was pretty fun! I only wish we could’ve talked more with Daniel bc he was pretty quiet the whole ride after. He does usually keep to himself anyway but still. I felt bad. But we listened to Johnathan’s experience with drum corps and I shared about my internship and we joked about the Bible quiz and discussed all the great parts of Crazy Rich Asians and so on so forth! I was actually really happy to finally have a positive conversation about that movie bc I feel like I’ve just been constantly trying to defend it from the backlash and criticism but I could finally openly discuss it with other people who enjoyed it and it was honestly so great! At church, I signed up to be a mentor for Kidsland and then hurried into service! I sat towards the front behind Johnathan, Esther, and Daniel and was soon joined by Amanda and Angela. I’m really happy Angela and I are starting to get along better this year! I don’t feel so afraid of her constant judgment anymore and I think she’s been accepting me more too. I’m glad! Amanda and I had a great time together as per usual during service and whilst eating together. I’m really blessed to have her in my life and I think we’re going to grow really deep in our relationship with Christ together. Thank you for sending her into my life, God! Even just eating with everyone and welcoming in someone we met over the summer felt so great! Just being able to casually share life together with them all! I was really sarcastic and enthusiastic and unapologetically me and it felt so great! Oh back to the service, the sermon today was sooooo good! P. William challenged our faith and how without God, we are nothing. We should constantly be seeking God like a treasure and be so willing to give up everything for Him! We need to surrender all that we are at His feet but far too often we do so but then want to take it back and solve our issues by our own strength and that’s just not how it works! And that kinda felt like the first “sign” today. I should always keep my eyes locked on Him bc as much as I may study, it’s worth nothing if He is not at the center of my heart. The worship was really good too and my hands and arms just kinda lifted by themselves but I wasn’t thinking about how I sounded or how I looked. I was just so happy and blessed to be serving God! Honestly, a small part of me hoped that Jason saw me but I did my best to just cast out those thoughts and focus on God and I think I did pretty well! Now fast forward to the Bible competition! We didn’t do as poorly as I thought! There were definitely things I could have studied more but my guesses were sometimes right and overall, we did pretty well! We were third place until the very end when we bet it all and lost it all LOL. But we did much better than I thought we’d do! Especially considering how little we all studied! But I do think our study session from last night really helped us retain some more information! Like the story about God and how many times He called Samuel! Esther originally thought it was three but I remembered it being four and bc of that conversation, I had confidence that it was definitely four bc we even checked the Bible for evidence! P. Josh was the pointkeeper and his pride in us was really encouraging! Just by how big he would write our score on the board or whenever he smiled at our joy in winning. It was really nice! I made mistakes at times but by trusting and working together, it actually all turned our pretty well! I wish it could just stay like this but I know Johnny and Christine are returning soon and I am excited to serve with them but I’m also kinda afraid that it’ll ruin our current dynamics! I’ve been having such a great time with everyone and I wish it could just stay like that forever.

After that, Jason graciously drove us all downtown and dropped Amanda, Angela, and I off at the Arc since Angela moved there! Amanda took a bus straight to the mission conference thing she invited me to and I went to 623 to see if it was open so that I could work on some homework! It was closed! D:

Then I took the red line and 15 bus home and immediately peed! I had to so bad! I’m so glad the restroom is so close to the front door! But unfortunately by that time, I only had about 10-15min to rest and I wanted to get a lot of homework done today! Thinking back on it, I’m a little disappointed bc I passed by macapartments earlier on my way to the conference and could’ve easily picked up my textbook! No wait. I remember now. I was going to go but they close at 5pm on Sundays and it was past that time. Riiiiight. But yeah! So I watched a couple videos, tried to quickly figure out how to resize the resource guide, and then I left for the conference! Googlemaps told me it would take me about 23min to walk there but it actually took about 30min, even with me rushing! But then again, I got confused and kinda lost at one point so that makes sense. I did debate on just bailing out bc my decision to attend was so last minute too in favor of doing homework but ultimately, I told Amanda that I would go so I went. And it was so good! Grace Kim, a missionary that recently went to Turkey, shared about her testimony and why missions are so important and her own journey getting there! And as interesting as that was, I was just really surprised by the community after! Everyone was so genuinely welcoming and I was glad to meet them all! I’m excited to go back again next week and see them all again! I want to grow in my faith with them! I know that I’m committed to investing and serving at Lakeview but the people I met today were the people I imagine when I think of church. They were diverse and welcoming and so kind! I really got along with this girl named Amy and we shared our testimonies and how we got to Vision School and just hearing how passionate she was for the Lord now in comparison with how she felt before was so amazing and interesting to learn about! She’s really the one that made me want to join Vision School and maybe even serve as a missionary with her! I really think we can grow deep in our relationship with Christ together! And I am so excited to see her again next week! I should’ve gotten her contact info today but I’m sure I’ll see her again! But the conference was kinda “sign” two! Especially when Grace, the speaker, said our biggest blessing should be Jesus and we should want Him to come now! If we want Him to come later, the things of this world have become idols. My biggest concern in going on a one year mission trip to a different country was the fact that I would be so close to getting my degree and would rather finish that and not mess up the credits that I have already earned and delay the trip for later. But we can’t procrastinate on God! I got to talk to Amanda during the break about her heart in going to Egypt for a year and she shared how she heard from God that when she is turned away from Him, everyone that she would have met and reached out to are also turned away and they all start walking instead towards death. And yeah, she could go to the same place and just delay the trip but there would still be people that she could have reached but never did because of her priorities. And that thought scared her more than anything so she decided to go for those people that she could reach! And it was really interesting to hear about her faith in that! I was also touched by how Grace said Muslims never question Islam and are blind followers and are taught to never question anything and are blind followers as a result. But because we do question things and have a deeper understanding of Christianity bc it isnt something we were just forced to know, we can show them the right way! And the fact that someone else finally told us to question Christianity to find more answers was so reassuring and nice to hear! I think I can dedicate my Sunday nights every week to these lectures and I’m excited to be spending more time with Amanda and maybe even going on a short term or long term mission trip! Who knows! Regardless, I’m excited.

Thank you God for blessing me with this blessed day! I am so grateful for all that you are and all you have done. Thank you.

#TEAMATCHA#

[smallboyonherbike]

oh god, the tag about how to keep dogs white, is such a mood. like my dog's only white like until 30mins after bath

Dndndnss I’m glad you know my struggle!! I seriously try to keep up as best I can w bathing her often but bc I feed her cheap wet food (she gets dry for a meal but when I first got her she would only eat wet food bc her previous owner only fed her table scraps) her coat on her back gets like dyed a little from the food.

And like if I cared enough to spend a lot of money on food and constant grooming I could probably get her coat less dingy but 🤷‍♀️ she’s pretty healthy for being about 10 years old. But like seeing that dog or other instagram dogs that have like pure white coats I’m just like?? How?

[moonstarpetals]

as sleep embraces me in her arms; as darkness kisses my forehead, here are the 21 things i’ve learned from life as i turn 21 in 30mins : 1) God is faithful, and He is loyal. No matter how far you think you have gone, He will always love you and want you back. 2) always choose to see the good in people. even though first impressions count, never judge a book by its cover 3) when things don’t go as planned, never blame it on yourself or on God. God never hands you things that you aren’t ready for, even in the bad- there is still good. 4) family > everything else. 5) life is too short to have ugly nails. pamper yourself once in a while (or every other month) 6) drink lots of water, it’s victoria’s secret to good skin (and so is sleep) 7) feedback can be a bitch, but don’t let it tear you down. take it in bc you’re strong, no one says it’s all flowers and roses. but when u absorb it and improve, you will be a better updated ios version of you. 8) you don’t have to disrespect them like how they did 2 you- don’t stoop to their level. people have eyes n ears. 9) be honest with yourself and your feelings. if you’re not having a good day, don’t pretend you are. feel it, internalize it, and love yourself. 10) it’s really good to just not give a fuck sometimes. take it easy on yourself 11) it’s okay to be emotional. you’re you. but don’t let it consume you. 12) invest in good skincare products and not makeup 13) take your time to figure things out. as much as you think there’s a timeline to life, there isn’t. 14) if you get stuck in a hole, you can always get out (thanks dad) 15) be kind to the people around you, you don’t know what’s behind that smile 16) friends come and they go. those who are meant 4 u, will come back 17) letting go can be a bitch, but oh will it save you 18) the best things in life sometimes come in ugly looking boxes 19) there are good people out there, you just haven’t met them yet 20) mum’s always right, your dad will always be your protector, your grandma will love you to the moon and your sisters will always be your bestest friends 21) invest your time in people that matter 💜 ily all 💜 thank you for supporting me https://www.instagram.com/p/BvURUklhSeN/?igshid=1hvay1bx8rtrg