#bc like i basically don’t a have a filter most of the time but rn being high?

[gregmarriage]

i love drugs!!! i love being high!!!!

[bittersweetmorality]

— chuuya boyfriend headcannons (sfw & nsfw)+ drabble

☾ genre: SFW and NSFW Headcannons (NSFW section is marked-- 18+)

☾ pairing: Nakahara Chuuya x GN!reader (reader is given the name ‘mommy’ in the drabble)

☾ warnings: none for the SFW– general smut for the NSFW ??

☾ w/c: 1,978 words

☾ a/n: hey lol :D as a certified chuuya fucker, i just had to.  i literally have like three other chuuya drafts that i’m currently working on.  hopefully they turn out like i want and i can post them bc :| the chuuya tag is starving.  anyway i hope i can populate it just a tad.  thanks for reading bugs !

— SFW 

lemme start off by saying that he will treat yo ass RIGHT.  ON MY MOMMA.

not to bring his trauma into this already but :| my man has major abandonment issues.  he will not do anything to jeopardize your relationship, and he honestly just values your happiness above anything else

you just know how much he cares about the fellow members of the mafia– even though they don’t requite the same amount of love that he gives them, he still loves them wholeheartedly

even dazai

little shit

his love language is definitely touch and gift-giving.  no i don’t accept criticism because i’m right

you’re telling me he wouldn’t absolutely spoil you with expensive gifts ?? mans is a mafia executive– he’s making hella bank, and he is spending it all on you

he’s also definitely a pretty clingy significant other, but good luck trying to get him to admit that :|

his life is… well… yaknow

there’s always a lot going on there..... he’s stresst

he wants nothing more than to just hold you in his arms after a long day-- especially if he just came back from a hard day at work

times like this are when he’s most clingy-- he feels like he almost lost you, and now he never wants to let you go

many, many times he’s fallen asleep like this; you’re basically suffocating in his grip as his eyelids flutter closed, either on the couch or your bed

but of course you’re not going to complain

and he’s so glad you don’t

he’s also the type to almost never explicitly say that he loves you at first, it’s simply not something that comes naturally to him

instead he indulges in his love languages profusely, and he just hopes you get the message

he’s also afraid that you’ll leave him if he says something like that, so for a long time he doesn’t :(

so when you come home to a bottle of expensive wine wrapped in an exquisite red ribbon, you know he just wants to tell you how much he loves you

eventually, of course he’s comfortable with you enough to say it, and it comes completely natural

and since he’s such a romantic, he says it every morning when you wake up, and before you go to bed without fail

he’s definitely the type to show you off too

like, as he’s having a conversation with someone, he’ll suddenly get really loud when talking about you so everyone within a three-mile radius can hear

“well, you see i would go out drinking with you tonight, but i actually have a date.  with my partner.  you know them, right?  here’s a picture i took of them a few days ago, just look a-”

also: biggest hype man

you could open a jar of jam and he’d be like “holy shit, you go babe”

nakahara chuuya kiss me rn challenge

anyway, basically he’ll love and support you no matter what

like truly you’re like a walking ray of sunshine to him

anyway !!!! DATES !!!!!!!

dates with chuuya are planned.  always.

like i SAID he’s a hopeless ROMANTIC MY GOD

he absolutely loves picking you up at your doorstep and taking you for a ride around town on his motorcycle

speaking of which, your arms wrapping around his middle and squeezing him tight as he drives the bike is literally his favorite thing in the world.  oh my god you’re going to make him melt

and i know for a fact your first kiss with him was after he dropped you off at your door when your first date was at its end

it was almost completely perfect honestly, except when your faces were just mere inches from one another, his hat bumped into your forehead and fell to the ground

baby was so embarrassed-- he went bright red and picked up his hat, basically shielding his face

he just wanted the date to be completely perfect– and it was!! until that happened

but obviously you just let out a light giggle and pulled him against you, and he quickly closed the gap between your lips

also, chuuya sleeps in

he sleeps a lot <33

that being said he loves lazy mornings

it’s well past 11, but you’re still laying in his arms– who is he to get up?? and disturb the peace??????

he will not.

also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can’t even emphasize this enough, but please comb your fingers through his hair

there’s a chance he might melt into a puddle on the spot and never recover but still

on the rare occasion where he’s the little spoon--

(which, speaking of which, @dazai-centric​ has a headcannon that chuuya always insists on being the big spoon no matter what, but on rare occasions he lets himself be wrapped up in your arms and THEY’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.)

anyway, so on this rare occasion

where his head is basically buried in the junction between your shoulder and your neck, and you just rake your fingers through his hair softly

he dead.  dead as hell.

and ERRRRM.  kisses with him are just……… wow…………

naturally, he always wants to be the best at everything-- it’s just his personality

and kisses are no exception

he has to be the BEST

and he is

so, kisses are always so passionate and rough

okay hold on maybe this should go under the NSFW category 😐

ANYWAY!!!! 19472946/10 boyfriend

— NSFW

so rough sex is very common for y’all 😁

he likes to take his frustrations out from the day like this, and honestly you don’t complain

he definitely has a high sex drive so 😁

obviously you have an established safe-word and talk about everything before anything transpires because the LAST thing he wants is to hurt you in any way

but if you ask him to spank you he is definitely not gunna say no <3 chuuya said spanking kink

speaking of kinks

bondage xoxo

this goes both ways— he likes to tie your wrists to the headboard with rope and tie your legs down if you’re okay with it

for him, he likes his wrists cuffed to the bed

but he definitely doesn’t like all of his power stripped away by having him completely tied up

also he loves eye contact

that’s why missionary and mating press are his favorite positions <3

he likes to grab you by the jaw and make you look at him when he’s fucking you

“hey, hey, princess what did we say? if you want to cum, look me in the eyes when i fuck you, yeah?”

he loves praise and degradation equally

but if you’re degrading him don’t go too far :((

degrade slightly him while he’s on the bottom and he’s putty in your hands

now, if you praise him while he’s on top, get ready to not be able to walk for the next 3-5 business days because that’ll feed his ego a LOOOT

and he’ll just get lost in the moment because he loves you....... so much

he degrades you slightly, but only during foreplay

he calls you his little slut, or his whore

“aw, so wet for me and we’re barely getting started, doll.  such a little whore, aren’t you?”

when you actually get into it, it’s all praise from him

he wants you to know how important you are to him, how good you feel and just everything on his mind

he loses his filter in the moment awn god

“so fucking perfect, i only want you.  you’re mine.  god, you feel so fucking good.”

he loves to hear you too-- it really feeds his ego

but sometimes if he’s really had a rough day, he’ll make you gag on his finger or wrap his hand around your neck

he doesn’t squeeze too hard nor genuinely make you gag, he just likes the way your eyes are barely able to meet his because he’s making you feel so good

but ANYWAY pet names are a MUST with him

he calls you doll, sweetheart, princess, baby, dove, doll

basically every sweet name under the sun during sex

he likes you to call him sir 😁

this man has no shame when it comes to noise

like absolutely none

since he’s possessive, he wants people to know he’s fucking you, and how good he feels because of you

no one else can make him feel that way and he wants everyone to know

so he’s LOOOUUUDD,,,, especially in your ear

he likes leaning down and moaning in your ear, just to get a reaction out of you

he makes fun of you for it later on, and you have his full permission to smack that smug little smirk off his face

but the amount of times you had to stop mid-way because y’all got knocks on your door from your neighbours 😐 they’re so sick of y’all

on average, you have sex at least 4 times a week

that’s not including quickies tho

did i mention that chuuya loves quickies <3

especially when it’s in his office and he fucks you on his desk

and because he doesn’t care who hears him-- you bet your ass the entire Port Mafia has heard you

he likes to go down on you for quickies more than actual sex, and he will respectfully never decline a blowjob

because he’s a gentleman

anyway

sorry to any of y’all who have a breeding kink,,, but chuuya definitely does not

he’s so afraid of having kids

moving on

onto sub!chuuya

did somebody say SWITCH 🤨☝️

chuuya did <3

now for a long time he doesn’t really let his submissive side out because,,, it’s a really vulnerable part of him yaknow?

but after a while, and after he’s completely trusted you to take care of him like that

oh boy

bottom bitch <3

still loud as HELL

except it’s less of moaning and more of whining

he’s such a whiner

and a brat

mommy kink mommy kink mommy kink mommy kink mo

also i don’t really know how else to describe it but-- if you force him to look you in the eyes and use a stern tone

..........dead.  dead as hell.

now take this drabble as a tribute to sub!chuuya

“and why should i listen to you?  what are you gunna do?” chuuya furrowed his brows at you, as if he was challenging you.

“aw, baby,” you leaned down from your position of straddling him, caging his head between your arms.  “you still have so much to say even though your hands are handcuffed to the bed.  so bold, aren’t you?” you stroked his lower lip gently, and he whimpered lowly in response.

suddenly, you sat up, getting into a position to prepare to get up off of him completely, “but, you’re right.  what am i going to do?  i guess i’ll just leave you here for the rest of the night.  go-”

“WAIT!! NO- I-” he bit his lip to stop any more words from escaping him.

“’wait’?  is there something you wanna say, baby?” your legs trapped his once again.

“... please.”

he averted your gaze, and you reached down to grip his jaw sternly, moving his head to face you completely.

“please what?”

no answer.

“you know i can’t read your mind, baby.  you’re going to have to use your w-”

“please fuck me.” the words tumbled out of his mouth, almost too quickly to even be audible, still, your lips shifted into a gentle smile.

but you weren’t completely content with him yet.

“and what’s my name?”

“...mommy.”

“and you want mommy to fuck you, is that right?”

“...yes.  please...”

you planted a passionate kiss onto his lips, and upon breaking it, you shifted closer to his ear.

“well, i can’t say no since you asked so nicely, now can i?”

masterlist

[angeloncewas]

i really hate that people (a lot of my mutuals specifically) are saying stuff like "jawsh and noah were right!!" bc like. imo no they werent. you can admit that they had a good point on a different situation or even think like "oh i get where they were coming from now" but that doesnt change the fact that both of their statements came across as ableist then and they still do now, especially bc of their actual actions both before and after that whole situation. stanning someone does not automatically mean being a terrible fucking person and the fact that people who left mcyttwt/switched to subtwts like technotwt for safety think that now somehow blows my fucking mind bc they of all people should understand that you can criticize someone or something without generalizing it or condemning it entirely. also like. it doesnt really matter what terminology you wanna use, calling urself a fan doesnt make you any less of a stan nowadays when the word stan is now used the exact same way as fan so people trying so hard to seperate them bc other stans have given them a bad rep is just weird like why dont you just try and make stans look better instead of shitting on them as if you dont also have a layout for a fucking different minecraft white boy?? the problem isnt even really stans, it's that a lot of mcyttwt is getting shit easy bc their ccs dont call them out when they cross boundaries and when they are called out by other people they automatically get defensive bc people actually being shitty in the past made them think all criticism is hate. idk if this really makes sense im just super annoyed by everyone saying this shit rn like pls how have we done a complete 180 to thinking these two are somehow good just bc theyve made a few okay criticisms?

Exactly ! I understand the want to distance yourself from a community with a bad rep - to be honest, you won't catch me calling myself a "stan" except for as a joke - but that doesn't change the base-level qualifications and the perspective from which Jawsh and Noah are making these statements. Their careers are built on "stans" whether they like it or not - just because theirs aren't cancelling people on twt don't make them any less slash parasocial or hivemind-like - and they'd rather bitch and moan about the current social climate than actually take the time to dissect its flaws, understand the individuals within it, and attempt to foster a better community. No, they throw their hands up and claim that it's "inherently toxic" while the cash filters into their pockets, telling Minecrafters to bend over so that they can fuck them in the ass every time their impressions are low. These aren't empathetic people pointing out serious issues, they've got basic observational skills and a holier-than-thou attitude. I know that what they're saying rings true and it's because twitter users are surrounded by people caught in the thick of it, but that doesn't at all mean that they're on your side.

I'm worried about where this will lead, because mcyttwt tends to have a very black-and-white attitude (as do most people, but they're the focus here) and falling deeply into that kind of mindset - as I said before - is just as unhealthy, if not more so. Hyper-criticism and invasive attitudes toward streamers are a very prevalent problem in the Twitch community (and outside of it) atm, but those issues are so often being pointed out by people who are only angry because they can no longer get away with being racist/sexist/ableist/etc for views.

It's just not an either-or and I really hope that people breaking out of the "stantwt" community don't throw themselves into that side of things just because they see it as the only other option.

[nanasarea]

Zhong Chenle as your bff

Genre: crack fluff

Pairing: Chenle x reader

Prompt: best friend Chenle shaking your sanity 

Word count: 766 

a/n: me being in my chenle feels caused me to make this...he really do be shaking my bias list rn. also not proofread.

Jaemin / Jisung / Renjun / Haechan / Chenle / Jeno

chenle is chaotic and i love him 

i know it’s 2020 and ya’ll probably forgot this existed but

Pokemon Go

you met while both playing Pokemon Go

he dragged Jisung outside to go with him to the park

Chenle was DETERMINED to find the rarest ones 

so when he heard you yell

“Oh my god! I found a Porygon!”

his immediate response was 

WAT WHERE

and you became instant friends

you met up regularly to catch the Pokemons 

and to get your km/miles in for your eggs to hatch

he ends up offering to take your phone to get the kilometers in for when you have to study

which was the most wholesome thing

and you thought he was the cutest human to ever walk this planet

but then you soon realized

he’s also the most chaotic

once, you wanted to put on more makeup than usual

or put makeup on in general, your preference

Chenle would clown you

“What happened to your face?” 

“That was makeup! What’s your excuse?”

You would bicker so much omg

“I can’t get the hang of this game, what’s wrong with me?”

“You want me to get the list? nice”

“Did you just “nice” your own joke?”

“You would too, if you could do jokes. Nice.”

yknow when Chenle wanted to eat on Weekly Idol and told Haechan he will buy him a new computer if he lets him eat?

that’s his way to get what he wants like 99% of the time

“no, chenle, it is 4 in the morning, go to sleep.” “I’ll buy that cute phone case you have in your cart but never bought” “when we meeting?”

no, you’re not his friend bc of his money

so you kinda feel bad at him buying you everything

and when he finds out, he just laughs

“consider it like me being your sugar daddy, but make it platonic”

he insists on spoiling you

even making an extra diy craft for when he does ChenJi’s This and That

and you guard it with your life

hyping you up

making you do aegyo

and then his arms turning into fists

he malfunction

also don’t you dare say anything bad about yourself

(in general, not just here lol)

especially not in front of him

he will scold you

and tell you that whatever insecurity you said was cute

but also he will not hesitate to insult you if needed

“chenle, what do you think? black or blue shirt?

“Black, the blue makes you look weird”

he’s a Sagittarius he has no filter what do u expect

but he’s also a cusp (scorpio-sagittarius cusp) 

so he enjoys insults

and sometimes uses them to cover the fact that he finds it cute

“that was weird”-chenle’s mouth

“that was the most adorable shit my eyes have ever seen”-chenle’s brain

also teasing Jisung together

ChenJi + you are the new holy trinity 

he plans all of your surprise birthday parties

like he did for jisung

“y/n, you are going home with me and MEETING ALL OF MY FAMILY BC THEY NEED TO MEET YOU!”

spoiler his family likes you more than chenji

you end up hearing all the stories from his iconic baby photos

you entering his house is basically Shane Dawson reacting to Jeffree Star breathing

“i knew you were rich, but damn, you rich rich”

and then you meet his nephew

it’s like looking at two babies at once

a big baby holding a small baby

he’s your own personal cheerleader

whatever you do, he hypes it up

screaming your name 

causing you to lose your hearing but okay

teaches you chinese insults and swear words

renjun scolds him for it

also turns into your personal chef

mainly he cooks ramen tho

mainly to show off

but he will feed you

he doesn’t care if you can eat yourself, 

he will feed you

gets all cocky when you compliment his food

“amazing, right?”

and he nags 

like almost all day

chenle: one of the best vocalists of this century, has been singing since he was a young child

also chenle: you know I’m a rapper, right?

127 marathons

since they are his favorite group

cue kun crying in the background

SPEAKING OF KUN

he ends up being a mom to you too

he baby chenle

he baby you

now both u and chenle baby

to kun

have i mentioned he cuddles you like 24/7

the c in chenle stands for cuddles 

and clingy

and cocky af

Long story short, he is just a whipped best friend who takes care of you while driving you insane at the same time 

I’m whipped for Chenle and that’s the tea, sis.

[basmndsa]

「 alvaro rico. cismale. he/him. 」i hope that #lexsquad member「 SEBASTIAN MENDOSA 」adds me to the squad ! the 「 TWENTY-TWO 」year old 「 BUSINESS 」 major has been apart of the squad since 「 AUGUST 2018 」and seems to be the 「 CYNIC 」of the group.「 BAS 」is a「 JUNIOR 」 and seems to enjoy 「 TAKING LONE WALKS IN THE DARK 」but you can always find them at a squad party , too !

hello . . . i have nothing to say for myself. genuinely. here’s bas , he sucks and i’m not sorry about it !! 

STATISTICS.

FULL NAME : sebastian alejandro mendosa

MAJOR : business

ORIENTATION : bisexual 

HOMETOWN : santee , ca.

HEIGHT : 6′1

BUILD : tall & slender. 

BACKGROUND. * triggers include : death  &  abandonment  &  drug abuse.

if u don’t really any of this just know its inspired by the gallaghers from shameless

sebastian is the product of a one night stand between two young teenagers who weren’t ready to be parents , but were convinced they could do it. prepared to welcome their baby into the world, his mother died in childbirth and it sent his dad into a spiral. too young and not ready to raise his baby alone.

however , he still tried and had a hard time maintaining anything for his son. however , their family kept growing welcoming four new children all within a few years of each other ( give or take ) , all from different mothers who wanted nothing to do with the babies , so they fell on the mendosa’s. four siblings are angelo ( 19 ) , mariana ( 17 )  , teresa ( 12 ) , & samuel ( 7 ). 

sebastian being the oldest quickly fell into the only proper father figure his siblings had. his father was around , but as soon as bas started taking over , he was around way less. too wrapped up in being fucked up on drugs to stay home and raise his kids. that said , he practically raised all his siblings and had no time to do anything for himself. dropped out of high school at 17 and got his ged and started working multiple jobs to support how he could.

after a huge argument one night , bas finally got his dad to realize he needed to shape up or he was going to lose the kids. all bas got out of his was some financial assistance , but he had never gotten an ounce of love from his father , so he knew it was too late to get that. his father isn’t exactly a bad guy , he just never recovered from losing bas’ mom. 

tired of basically being a father of four at 19 years old , bas finally did something for himself for once ; with the help of grants & hope , he got into an associates program at a local community college and got his associates in business there. then , through a transfer program with more grants & hope , he was accepted into lexington university. 

just got to lexu in august to finish his business degree. isn’t really sure why he picked business , but it seemed like something he could do something with to support his family. lives locally , about 20 min. drive and commutes because there’s no way he’d leave this family to his father. 

PERSONALITY.

i honestly don’t even know how to explain his personality other than the fact that he’s . . . . generally just not very nice. wasn’t really raised with ideals of compassion or love & simply doesn’t know how to express those emotions. isn’t necessarily that he can’t , he just genuinely doesn’t know how. 

will say literally whatever is on his mind at any given moment. not a single filter in sight.

cares for & cares about his siblings and makes sure they know that he does. it’s hard for him to express his love , but they’re just about the only four who have an actual place in his heart. not his dad , his dad can choke. 

isn’t exactly an asshole for the sake of being one , just literally doesn’t care about most things & is generally perceived as rude. 

doesn’t have a lot of passion for things bc he was never really given the chance but he does really enjoy writing. has always kept a journal and it’s really the only form of emotion he can properly express. 

easiest way for him to express any type of emotion is through physical fights. is quick to get angered ( physically )  & to start fights. 

probably just hates everything but its fine.

HEADCANONS.

speaks english & spanish.

has family in barcelona that he’s never met. 

has one tattoo for each of his siblings that he saved up money to get. they’re small but important to him. 

has never been in a real relationship. never really had time growing up & his personality doesn’t exactly scream bf material.

is fine w/ no strings kinda sleeping with people but tends to not sleep w the same person twice if he feels like they’ll get attached. 

literally has not clue why he was invited to the squad or why he accepted but .... here he is , u know.

still works two jobs & pours his life into making sure his siblings are cared for. for a man with 0 emotions he cares a lot about them

CONNECTIONS.

literally anything angsty ..... please ......

ex friends / fwb / ex fwb .... w/e

he’s lived in the san diego area all his life so like any connections to that

someone who thinks they can fix him or make him Love and only hurts themselves in the process

the closest thing that bas might have to a best friend. doesn’t know how to express his love for them , but he tries. 

would love the person who let him into the squad ... maybe someone annoying who kinda just latches onto him for no reason.

cut from the same cloth ? they both don’t rly express emotions but it kinda just works. u know like the friend u just sit in silence with but its nice silence .

basically just piss him off please

that’s all i got rn , but here’s his pinterest !

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[inexchangeforyoursoul]

FINALLY birthed this thing. I’m officially a disaster with writing anything that involves conflict. Just like irl. :”) Anyway, yeah, there were 3 reasons why I did not finish this immediately about a month ago.

Első: See above.

Második: I had no idea what I wanted the last drop for Hawks to be before writing the rest in advance anyway, whoopsie~

Harmadik: I was.... reeeeeally not sure whether I want to publish this during pride month, seeing as I’m cis, and what kind of shit I put in this. (..... ok I’ve been thinking about this, and somebody just tell me if I’m plain projecting shit here. I might as well. Like, I always am, but it has usually got to do with characters being heavily #relatable in some way in strictly canon, which goes for everyone I write scenarios for. But now I’m thinking about whether there is something more to this, bc me headcanoning Shiggy as genderfluid and starting that shitty LawxOC body swap fic came around the same time two years ago, and now here’s Hawks, too. I’m onto you, me. I’m so onto me...)

Anyway... if you want the usual fluff, you might wanna sit this one out. (There’s some of it, but beware of everything else... it got p long (~6.5k), too, so you might wanna read it on a proper platform for txt: AO3 )

Big, BIG thanks @cutiesableye @acidmatze @waxwingedhawks and @mistystarshine for basically proofreading it and slapping a big green GO into my nervous face. Or being at it rn; regardless, I am thankful. Sssh, only dreams now.

I hope y’all be as uncomfortable reading the meat of this as I was writing it, whoops.

For how much he's surrounded by people normally -which he enjoys most of the time, really- Hawks prefers the silent rooftop right now. It shouldn't be anything out of the ordinary, he'd need a lot more alone time in the first place… but he's supposed to be working right now. Be in the thick of this spying shit, collecting intel from social and environmental clues like nobody's business.

Returning to the room is not something he wants right now, though. The topic and the awkward atmosphere it brought are weighing on him, and he'd rather get over this before moving on with the sleuthing business. He's been perching over the weed-ridden parking lot for like half an hour already, though. Judging by what he can pick up, the League is back to their time killing activities, and not very concerned about his absence. He noticed Spinner checking on him some time back from the doorway, and that's what it was. He's low-key grateful that they would let him breathe instead of poking around some more, or tailing him. If it's something he's allowed to do all the time, it'll be a luxury he's plain going to cherish for as long as it lasts.

Another plus is… that his reasons to join have become more than just believable. Even if this bit of information was not something he wanted to share. Like, at all. Ever. It was perhaps naive to think nobody will ever find out in the first place, that it would stay a secret of the select few who trained and took care of him. But the ones aware of it now being the members of Japan's most infamous terrorist organization… is not reassuring. 

Still… they are letting him be alone. It's… nice. Being seen as a person. It also hurts, though.

His feathers catch onto the vibrations of someone coming up the staircase again. The echoes tell of familiar size, weight and shapes… he knows who it will be. Being a wild card, he's probably coming on his own volition. The plastic smile is already in place, even though it has never worked on the guy- this was nice while it lasted.

The metal door opens with a lazy creak, then there's a soft thud, followed by slacking steps that stop right behind him. Dabi takes a swig from the beer can in his hand before speaking. "So… Peacock and Starling, huh."

"What about them, bacon face?" It's a funny feeling to hear someone say those… names, technically. It's equally funny to think that one of those is what he'd be known as if things go a little more his way. Even considered the title Phoenix for a moment, but that was too pretentious even for him, not to mention ill-fitting past being made of reds and yellows. As for the flashy Peacock… it's easy to see why the blatant joke got rejected off the bat. He'd look sick in iridescent blues and greens for sure, but that's all the reason he ever had to consider it. Those colors didn’t fit his basically pre-established brand… and nowadays he'd rather be invisible than catch even more eyes, anyway. And there's the almost, almost final Red Starling, which had the prototype of his current hero costume and everything…

He wanted to avoid predatory birds when given the task to choose a hero name, blatant secondary traits notwithstanding. They were beautiful creatures, yes… but hardly something reassuring and safe, killing for a living, full of pointy bits. Someone else probably wouldn't have batted an eye and had gone for the intimidation factor, but it was simply not what he had in mind.

A hawk… is a borderline case. It's among the smaller species and underwent some form of domestication, after all. They are not ideal for being kept as mere pets, though; they serve a purpose, instead.

They are used.

Used to hunt for sport or pest control, as he usually does. As he's supposed to right now.

So 'Hawks' was an afterthought, invoking the image of speed and danger. Which they insisted on, especially after… that. Smuggling the S at the end on the form was a last passive-aggressive jab after getting the okay, before letting go of who he used to, or wanted to be. It was fascinating to see the big shots make peace with it almost immediately, and regarding it as an improvement, even; 'makes it easier to associate with a swarm of feathers,' and 'more unique and identifiable,' they said. As if the original idea didn't accomplish both. It really was just… fascinating. The rest of these names, he banished to the stuffiest, darkest corners of his mind, as there were few good things, and even less pleasant memories attached to them. Until… today.

What has happened was simple and logical- the idea whether he'd choose another alias for underground activities came up. Mentioning them in the first place was an enormous mistake… and entertaining either as a viable option was even more so. Disturbing those relics reminded him of those buried memories and feelings, and all he can think of right now is the way Himiko's words rang in his ears barely half an hour ago.

Today, your smell reminds me of Big Sister.

Dabi lets out a sigh before getting to the meat of it. He spent the time Hawks had been gone on thinking himself, and there's a lot to unpack here. So he ought to take it step by step, lest he gets lost in the details. “Let me… get this story of yours straight."

… Great. This is exactly what he needs.

"It starts with… dirty, piss-poor little you getting caught up in a car accident and single handedly resolving it, right? Then, for doing something nice and selfless like that… you got sold off like a slab of fucking meat to the government.”

He blinks. "Hmm… not the most revolutionary take on it. I know you can do better." Claiming that the thought has never crossed his mind would be a lie. He just never let himself dwell on it. But now, this idiot is making him do exactly that. Or is trying to, at the very least. It certainly seems to be one of those convos. This… is turning out to be a major pain in the ass right away. Maybe he should reconsider provoking him this time around, it could backfire big time in the current mood of his.

“It is what happened, though, wasn’t it?” Dabi continues, slipping down to sit next to him, one leg dangling over the edge. “And once your apparently sub-par parents raked in the easy money, and washed their hands of you… you got stripped of everything.”

"Bold of you to assume that I had much to lose, bro. If you know about the accident, you also know where they picked me up from." Putting up a front aside, there was a rough edge to that 'everything' that makes Hawks want to run for the hills immediately. Nope, he is positively not in the mood for antagonistic banter at the moment. He wasn't really able to hide his upset and embarrassment over the situation, so Dabi must have found some twisted sense of enjoyment in pestering him about this specifically. Why can't this asshole just… shut up for once. He thought the villain incapable of it, but he does it so damn well with others around. Sticking with the lot might be a good idea, because solo Dabi is worse. He… he better filter out all the babbling before he starts thinking about bad shit or worse. It’s been a while since he had to take such measures, but he'll have to lull himself into a coma, and just… shut up. Inside out. And hope that Dabi gets bored of him.

“Doesn't change the point, does it, now. They started with any meaningful human contact you may have had… until they erased every last ounce of self," Comes the continuation while Hawks tries to block it out; "They denied you time, likes, attention, possibly even your basic fucking needs while moulding you into a perfect little cleanup machine that fears no death. Then tossed your dried-up skeleton into a roomy cage, filled with expensive junk to fill the void, as a semblance of compensation. Well thanks for fucking nothing, you sick fucks."

Hawks' eyes have locked onto a sunbathing lizard in the distance, but the idle animal is not quite enough of a distraction and his fingers twitch with the tightening grip over the wall's edge. Why does it sound as if Dabi was taking his side?

Shut up… don't pay attention.

He winces when Dabi pulls on the collar of his tracksuit to take a disgusted look at the label. "All the shit you wear was gifted from companies you played dress-up doll for, wasn't it… one fantastic billboard, you are. You own literally nothing else, do you? I'm sure that's the case, because, funny story… a newbie classmate of mine, some dump kid whose parents became new money, had always obscene amounts of cash on him…  but after an initial shopping spree, he never could bring himself to buy a fucking thing. So we asked him about it. Turns out he simply felt like utter shit for spending any of it unless he had a good reason. I laughed then, but apparently, getting a bag of chips is a gargantuan issue for most people who grew up in poverty." 

He leans closer, low words dripping like liquid venom in Hawks' ear. "You, too, feel like garbage every time you spend an ounce of money on something you can do without, don't you? Reminding yourself that there are dozens of that thing at home, lying untouched in your wardrobe that's the size of some families' entire house. Pray-tell Hawks, how many times did you sit over a full basket of online goods… the stuff of your dreams, probably some basic ass shit... only to back out at the last second, hmm?"

Shut up.

Dabi's eyes slide to the tense hands possibly attempting to tear the crumbling edge off the worn wall. A second later, he distances himself again, stirring the can with lazy, circular motions. "I don't even want to imagine what it feels like. Never spent a fucking dime on anything but charities, I fancy. And the odd bottle of booze, fuck or junk food… Are those chicken bits the only thing you're allowed to get? Tch.” 

“What a fucking luxury, being allowed to treat yourself to a bucket every other week, when your disgusting training diet has been set in stone three months in advance." It sounds like a personal addendum, but not a single word in that sentence escapes the overbearing sarcasm and condescension.

A still ticking cogwheel in the hero's head wonders why Dabi knows of the standard diet thing he has to undergo at least twice a year being three months long, and how he could possibly know that he's come to hate half of the dishes over the years. The overwhelming majority of said cogs have long come to a halt, however, screeching SHUT UP. He's not sure who or what that message is directed to anymore. Probably both of them.

Dabi’s waltzing wrist comes to a halt, soon followed by the whirling liquid in the can; it's a minute break, the kind that's just enough to make conversations awkward. In fact, the silence is too big for Hawks to handle- there’s no white noise to drown out and it makes not thinking, not paying attention unbearably hard. The lizard disappears under the cracked asphalt, leaving him with nothing.

“With how long it took you to respond to Shigaraki, they also stripped you of your name. And what I got from the exchange with Toga… is that the same goes for your body, too.”

A shiver runs down Hawks’ back and wings over the addition, kicking the machine brain back in full order despite his best efforts. Dabi takes a big swig of beer and lets out a sigh, resulting in another ill-placed pause. It gives Hawks time to think, goddammit, and he thinks too fast, too hard, about everything.

“While you were moping up here, I've come to realize why you always seem to be so hilariously desperate to one-up me in any given way… it’s because you actually are grasping for straws. You have no control whatsoever, over anything. None." There’s a somber undertone to his voice. The can, along with the remaining sloshes of beer, are flung down to the concrete wasteland and land with a sad, high pitched clank. "My sister used to be like this… people like you don’t dare to ask why things happen. You will believe you’d done something wrong to deserve it all… maybe see yourselves as a necessary sacrifice. Did they ask you to be a martyr, or did you decide so yourself, bird brain? Not that it matters… because that’s exactly what your bosses want and they'd keep on twisting your arms until they get there… but I bet they did. They didn't ask whether you actually wanted it, though… or ask anyone else, about anything, for that matter." 

He reaches over Hawks' vaguely trembling shoulders for the jaw, forcing his face out of hiding. The grip turns gentler as the man's head turns in his general direction, though he's refusing to make eye contact. Dabi keeps him there like that for a while, dissecting him with icy, blue scalpels.

"Gentle like a dove… you'd have flipped the fuck out and been talking shit ever since I opened my mouth any other day. Is this the defense mechanism you developed for these situations?" There's some twitches to the corner of the mouth, but the other remains unresponsive. Heaving another, mildly annoyed sigh, he pries the hero off the crumbling wall with a disgruntled huff and turns to face him. Once there’s some space to work with, he tilts the head in his grasp to the left, to the right… no resistance. "To see you like this is creepy as all hell, birdie… do you even register what I'm saying anymore? Or is ignoring me the goal? Hmm?" 

He scoffs at the glazed eyes, then shakes his head. "I'd imagine you met some pigs high up on the food chain soon after the stunt… those monsters can do anything they want. Then buy silence from pocket change." He starts caressing the other's face as the trembling turns more and more into shaking. "Isolated, innocent eye candy kid at their mercy…… I can only imagine what they’d do to a sweet little plaything like you."

A visceral reaction makes Hawks' stomach convulse, threatening to empty itself, and the muscles in the rest of his body follow suit. Unwanted scraps of memories, all the blurred scenes, images and feelings he didn't quite manage to erase flare up in his mind. And even though his entire being is revolting against being reminded of hugs that felt off by a mere margin, of touches that were always, always distinctively soft and slimy, and things sometimes even worse, and much worse…  the sole thing that betrays his near perfect neutral expression is a pair of clenched jaws. What concerns him even more than any of this, however, is the fact that his tear ducts have been burning up for some unknown time, and...

… too late. There’s already a droplet of water sitting on the thumb Dabi lifted up a second ago.

The tear gets reduced to nothing between the pensive swipe of two fingers as he lets go of him. “Thought so…”

A sliver… a handful of cells, some unidentifiable part of Hawks is thankful that Dabi doesn’t elaborate on what he’s thinking right now, glaring somewhere distant both past the hero and his own damp hand.

The villain's eyes come back into focus soon enough. There's still… one more thing. "Then you started to grow… and they decided to focus on function over form, since your baby face would be just as marketable with a scruff. Becoming popular and following a strict schedule makes it near impossible for creeps to do as they please, with all the watchful eyes dissecting your every move… so you live on a leash instead. An accessory to show off to guests… and still shiny, new weapon to flashily beat up people with." He cocks his head. "And you loathe mindless violence."

On one hand comes the relief that the previous topic has been dropped as unceremoniously as possible, and he gets a moment to breathe and stop shaking like a leaf. On the other…

They are used. Used to hunt pests…

Having less than no time for himself, the daily drill of regular heroing and the overwhelming amount of paperwork the job comes with are things he can deal or cope with… It’s fighting, hurting and confronting other people he loathes the most, even if he'll ram heads with the bigger fish to ensure a more stable framework for everyone to live in. For… others to live in.

Forcing himself into a group of known murderers and the deception this comes with is just the icing on the rotten cake. God, all these fucking lies, he cannot look into the mirror anymore for being overcome with sheer disgust. And now he's stuck with it until the source of all Noumu can be located, too. Why can’t things be like a shitty cops and robbers chase and, just… easy? Simple? Is it really that much to ask for?

But what makes it unnerving is to know that Dabi’s right, always fucking right. About people, what a living nightmare being a hero is once one looks past the glitter covers, and pretty much everything else. But most importantly, he's right about him. He hates being predictable at all, not to mention being read with confidence, and right now he feels as naked as an open book with covers ripped clean off.

He can feel more tears break free, and his fingers scrape over the rough concrete, letting the bumps and glass shards cut a fingertip or two open. It's frustrating. Every single time they happen to make contact… Dabi either makes a good point or manages to get the upper hand in the most inane, little ways, and it’s so… frustrating.

He can’t keep bottling it all up forever, but what is he supposed to do about these feelings?

“What I'm not sure about… is what exactly they are thinking this time.” There’s a thoughtful pause before the continuation; every last tendon in the blonde’s body tenses up. “Are they actually this desperate to get us for good… or is it you they want to get rid of that bad?” 

For a moment that seems like an eternity, Hawks feels… absolutely nothing. Nothing but the piercing glare of the very sky above them, staring straight through the villain's eyes. “Psycho girl is right… you really have no idea how to say no.”

Why now… Hawks can't tell. But hearing the same shit he's thinking about for the millionth time makes something crack. Click. Snap. And next thing he knows, he’s already tackled Dabi to the ground and is clenching his fists into his coat; the man himself doesn’t look too surprised over the turn of events, which drives him even madder.

“Every,” his voice shakes with bubbling anger and is lower and gravelier than his normal, but it will do. Hawks pulls on the leather hard enough to lift the other before slamming him back onto the grey concrete--- “Every” --- over--- “single” --- and over--- “aspect” --- and over, “of you,” and over, “drives me up… the fucking wall,” and over… “any time you open your godforsaken MOUTH,” this time, he goes a little over the top, as the big yank is followed by a pointed knock upon Dabi’s head meeting the ground and his lungs flatten under the pressure of fists, but Hawks is not in the mindset to give a flying fuck about the minor inconveniences of the villain at the moment. Fucker has dug this grave himself, so he better lie in it. "how the everloving fuck... How…! How can you possibly know me more than I do?! TELL ME!!” He asks with an ever growing voice that borders screaming by now, all while shaking the man relentlessly.

He's about to pull and slam him down again when Dabi's hands grab onto his arms just below the wrist. Maybe it's that he did not expect it, but the grip definitely stings a little. As fragile as Dabi is, he thought those scrawny arms less powerful, but apparently what does he know? Still angry, he tears one hand free while shooting a glare at the villain.

There's a trail of blood flowing down his cheek around where Hawks' fist rubbed against at the time of the yank. Dabi blinks once, leaving his left eye with an odd pink texture as his lid smears the leaking red fluid all over it. Not too surprisingly, his face remains as unreadable as a mannequin's, and eyes as cold as that of a taxidermy specimen. Hawks hates looking at him when they are like this, which is most of the time. "Careful, little bird… you're tearing at the seams. Don't want to end up like this, do you?”

That calm voice works like just another taunt, making the hero want to beat him to a pulp, or at the very least, continue where he's just left off with flattening him into the concrete. At the same time… hesitation wedges his joints to a halt. No… No, he doesn’t want to end up ‘like this,’ whatever it may have been to drive Dabi into burning himself alive on a daily basis.

And he notices. Of course he does. Hawks could swear to see his lips curve, but it may just be the angle.

“Fucked-up kids know how to read others pretty well, don’t you think?”

Hawks’ still short breath hitches and he freezes upon feeling a hand, the very same he just shook off, slide over his hips, ice cold on his heated skin even through the fabric of a t-shirt. There's no real intent behind it; in fact, it feels like a doctor's indifferent, calculated touch. Somehow, that makes it even worse. "… didn't even have the decency to start stuffing you with testosterone from the get-go, huh?" 

Another statement that sounds more like a personal note than anything else, and it makes Hawks’ skin crawl.

“Well I can’t read you for shit! Congratulations!!!” He barks, slapping the intrusive limb away. “For starters, what was this supposed to be about, hell, why the fuck did you even come up here?! Just to gloat about it into my face? Or do you want to make fun of me for not being able to decide whether I’d rather be a cheeky bitch or the insufferable prick I am today?!” 

There’s tears streaming down his face again, but he couldn’t care less. It hurts like all hell… especially remembering full well how fucking much waking up from what was supposed to be nothing more than an open break surgery hurt- there was near nothing to remove, for fuck's sake. But claiming not to enjoy at least some aspects of what being a man brought would be just more lies on the throne built on them.

Mentioning his interest in IT and mechanics to strangers is not criticised or made fun of, not anymore. Neither is his tendency to run ahead of others in pretty much every situation. Instead of second guessing, people default to respecting and listening to what he says on any given topic in general, and he stopped doubting himself, too. The circumstances were a special kind of fucked-up for sure… but he also ended up having fewer weak spots than almost everyone else, which did come handy a couple of times. The hormones he received made him taller than he ever could have grown realistically, too. And rejecting fans is easier as most women- and most of them are women,- know basic fucking etiquette.

But he also wants cheesy tees with cats and birds and flowers that he never gets to sponsor. Cuter shoes that are still comfy. Some eyeshadow every now and then. Wear the prettiest blues and greens, and maybe… maybe a nice dress.

"… You are pissed for the same reason I am.”

By the time Hawks has processed the sentence, he is the one being pressed into the roof, with one wing stuck awkwardly underneath him. For a dreadful moment he breaks into cold sweat, because this also means that Dabi is between his legs, and--- fuck, this is the last fucking position he wants to find himself in, especially right fucking now. He doesn’t get to break out in panic, however, because the villain is busy strangling him against the lukewarm ground. It’s his turn to grab onto the other’s arms as he wheezes for some air. He needs to calm the fuck down somehow, otherwise he won’t be able to use his feathers---

“Looking at you… is like staring at a distorted mirror image at fucking funland.” Hawks cracks his eyes open, seeing Dabi stare right back at him. It's as if someone put goddamn transparency over the villain to make the blinding blue behind him visible. He’d blame cold eyes in general, but he doesn’t find Twice’s even lighter ones nearly this creepy when Dabi’s like this. His burn with intensity rivaling All Might and Endeavor, which have always made him uneasy.

“What a nice pair of custom-made patchwork monstrosities we are…” His voice delves into a hiss as the grip tightens over the hero’s neck. “… makes me sick to my stomach."

Hawks coughs under the weight on his throat. He manages to get some air in and think clearly enough to turn back to logical thinking; if Dabi wanted to go for the kill, he’d be toast by now. Motherfucker is just toying with him for the hell of it, isn’t he? He flexes his wings against the rough concrete and flips the two of them back over to where they started.

“Would you stop playing games, you *cough* sick fuck?!” he wheezes, all out of breath.

"Maybe you’re the one who should stop dicking around, bird brain!"

His next protest gets cut short when Dabi headbutts him in the temples. It feels half-hearted, but gets him to shut up for a moment nonetheless, which is all that the other needs.

"The fuck did you scrape us up from the floor for, HUH?! You had ONE JOB, and you could have been done with it just like that… but instead...!! INSTEAD you played nurse and started to GET ALL COMFORTABLE AND SHIT!” The villain’s voice is basically rolling like thunder over the forsaken plot.

Hawks’ angry and pained grimace twitches under his hand- he’s seen Dabi smug, and aloof, and crazed, but not… angry. Not to mention angry with him, specifically. And, once again, it’s one of those little, irritating, miniscule things that are… true. He didn’t get an order to stick around and follow the lead to the Noumu until like a week later, so it was all unnecessary and ended up being even more work and trouble than it was worth.

He didn’t have to help when he found all of them dying, bleeding and broken.

He also didn’t have to start talking to Compress and Twice and Giran, then all the rest as they warmed up to him and came to.

He wasn’t supposed to lie about their initial status, he didn’t have to keep covering for them after they were all walking and doing all right, after the decent person in him had already been satisfied.

And he definitely never meant to get… attached.

A pull on his tracksuit wakes him from the shock, just as Dabi continues screaming at him head-on. “And YET, there still isn't anything YOU want from us?! REALLY?!! Do you want to be a puppet for the rest of your life, idiot?!"

Well… Hawks had been called names before. He never thought that being called a ‘puppet’ would offend him this much, but that... that certainly just did it.

“NO, I DON’T!” He screams back at him, voice swaying all over the place.

"CAN'T HEAR YOU, BITCH!!"

"I SAID I DON'T WANT 'o!!” Whatever air's still in Hawks' lungs gets stuck inside as a wave of what’s probably fear washes over him upon hearing his own, distorted voice crack and echo in the empty parking lot. Realizing just how much he's straining his voice, a sudden knot manifests in his stomach that folds his rage into a small, jittery, awkward package.

“Ah… I,” It takes so much effort to squeeze out a single thing, what--- why is he embarrassed? “I don’t---”

The next word gets stuck somewhere between his thoughts and throat when the same cold hand from before leaves a little pat on his head.

"See? Wasn't that fucking hard, was it now." It combs Hawks' hair back, staples getting stuck here and there on the fragile strands. There’s nothing methodical about it this time; the entire gesture is just… gentle. "Good job, chicken."

Just like that… all that rage, despair and helplessness, along with the last confusing bundle of emotions, evaporates out of the blue, leaving Hawks empty and tired, somewhat nervous, and maybe a little… relieved. It takes him a bit to be able to think of anything at all, god knows how much time passes while he blinks blankly in front of him. It takes a rugged sigh from Dabi underneath him to phase back into reality; the scarred hand has long disappeared, and is tucked behind the villain’s head along with the other as he’s gazing at the passing clouds. The first coherent thought that crosses Hawks’ head is a fully formed fact- what kind, and with what purpose, he doesn't know or begin to understand… but this was… a test, or rather, a lecture.

A very… very crudely executed lecture.

Hawks sniffs with a stuffy nose. Fucking… fucking fucker. “… you are an asshole through and though, aren’t you?” And now he’s hoarse, too. Wonderful.

There’s a shrug… well, as much of a shrug it can be from someone in Dabi’s position. “I don’t believe it’s ever been up for debate.”

He sounds so smug, it's just so… ugh. The hero squishes his face with a palm in frustration before crawling off him at last. The annoyed grunt in response is all he needs right now. "Are you done being a nuisance, or do you wanna egg me on some more?"

There's a rare chuckle. "Already making bird puns…? Nah, little bird. Getting hell-and-back pissed is exhausting as fuck. You won't be any more fun today." 

With that, Dabi scrambles onto his elbows, then sits back up. He gives a quick massage to his previously flattened nose before rubbing the back of his head; there’s a number of fully formed lumps already. Feathers isn’t very gentle when riled up… at least the spot’s not bleeding. He'll need to put some painkillers to work, though. "Still… the manic look suits you well. I'm getting giddy just thinking about your bosses' reactions upon seeing you like that." In a move that is more or less successful, he licks a finger to rub the trail of rust off his cheek.

Hawks wrinkles his nose upon seeing a rather genuine looking smile on the other’s face. “Please. Noone in their right mind is in my face like you are all the damn time… at least not with the intent of driving me batshit only to make me murder them. You’re a freak case and should not be accounted for.” He sighs, resting his head on an arm- there really is no willpower left in him to do anything for the rest of the day. There better be no trouble on his late evening patrol, or so help him. Or help it, because there's no guarantee he won't snap back to this awkward beat-to-a-pulp mode if confronted with a no-name villain.

After some fidgeting, Dabi produces something from a pocket… something that looks very suspiciously like a worn blunt. “It’s because they don’t have to, dumbass… you are edging towards a nervous breakdown at any given time. Anyway, look… you are no doubt seen as an invaluable asset… but are worth so much more still. Give yourself some credit." Hawks peers back at him just as the conspicuous thing is lit over a wrist which gets shaken after, much like one would put out a match. There’s a tentative draw, followed by another. 

“What I want to say is… they are terrified of you, birdie. If not for the danger of exposing their disgusting practices, it's because they fear that their blue ribbon pet won't return from a hunt… for one reason or another. And, just for the record,” He breathes, offering the roll to him; “I'll gladly hold you back for a good scare."

Following a vacant stare and a blink, he takes it. It’s not as if this quite tolerable, for-the-hell-of-it mood of Dabi’s was new, but… he was seriously considering to strangle the guy a minute ago. When exactly did they return to casual banter? Hell if he remembers, or has noticed at all. God… this whole thing has him rattled real good. Hopefully a nap will get him back into the usual pace of things.

“I sure hope not everyone blows their sugarbird pocket money on beer and weed like you do,” The blonde muses once he can feel a different kind of fatigue set in, reaching the blunt back to Dabi. Hypocritical? Maybe. Won't stop him from nagging others for the same shit, though. Comes with the job.

“Well, Compress replaced the crumpled hat… and Tomura decided to save up for a new handheld,” Dabi muses, placing the smoke into the corner of his mouth. "It'll go via Giran, of course. After seeing the taxes on that shit, I can't even blame him."

Can’t help but smile at that. “You are all fucking hopeless.”

A hum is all he gets as a reply.

After a while of comfortable silence, the remains of the roll get snuffed out on the ground. Blinking past Dabi, Hawks can see the sun is soon to set. Fucked like two hours just sitting out here, didn’t he. The Commission better not expect much from today’s endeavor… cannot exactly tell them that he was getting high on the rooftop with the flame villain for a good portion of it, the only villainous topic being creepy fat cats and their own shortcomings. Or that his possibly biggest secret slipped, although they wouldn't give a rat's ass about that. Yyyeah… it’s best to bullshit it.

“Humor me for another minute of real talk, will you, chicken?”

Dabi’s voice drags him back to reality again, only to realize that the light has already turned into a warm yellow. If his bones… or rather joins popped now, he’d feel like the embodiment of a nice little bonfire under the sun. Huh. Guess the stuff was of the better quality to make him think of weird similes and turn his sense of time whack. What was he--- oh, right. He should answer.

“… cannot promise I'll be able to pay attention or remember any of it, but do your best, crouton.” There’s a mild prickly sensation in his wings and his brain feels like marshmallows. If only he could always be so calm.

“Don’t bullshit me, you barely had a whiff." The dirty remains of weed are flung over the roof in annoyance.

He can feel a goofy smile creep onto his face- it's nice to be the source of frustration for once. Maybe all he needs to do is be honest more often. "Second hand smoking goes a long way, bruh."

The initial answer is an exasperated sigh. "Shut it… Anyway, you should cut the sweet chirping and tweeting, birdie. No matter what you do, people take advantage of your position. You know this better than anyone else. So squawk and screech to your heart's content, if that's what you need… and if barking won’t help, get down to biting.” Having said that, he stops surveying the cracked parking lot under the golden sky, and turns back to Hawks.

He forgets to breathe for a second. Good lord… those eyes glow as if they were illuminated by blue fire from inside, and the contrast with the sunset is just… well, literally breathtaking, he supposes. This is among the few times when they don’t creep him out- quite the contrary, in fact. They still feel like X-rays, though. “I guess it really doesn’t matter… by the way, real talk question: can you fucking read minds?”

Not that he expected anything else, but a smug grin appears on the villain’s face. “Maybe~”

“Careful, man. Your pants are sizzling.”

Lo and behold, another rare chuckle. Despite being under the influence of drugs, (or maybe because of that?) Hawks is on a fucking roll.

He can't keep his eyes off those blue ones even once Dabi decides to stare back at him. “Jokes aside… suppose there really is an idiot like me out there, and they get up close and personal… put those clipped talons to work and gouge their fucking eyes out. You have all the means to tear them limb from limb… go all out, who gives a fuck. These are the same kind of people who shit on wild animals from beyond a cage, but watch them run with tail between legs upon realizing that the gates are wide open. And even if you weren't ready to dirty your hands or feathers like that…" 

He lifts a pointing finger and rests the tip on the hero’s nose. "One word of yours… and we'll make sure it's the last day they touched anyone. Understand?"

Really, all he can manage to that is a weak, sheepish smile. “… thanks,” he breathes, not knowing what else to say. He should be a thousand times more alarmed over basically being told that someone's ready to kill for him, and not… well, flattered? Touched? Especially since he knows Dabi means it, and so would the rest of them.

“Great,” the other grunts while getting on his feet, and leaning just a little bit on Hawks’ head while doing so. What a turd. Latter’s about to get his stiff legs working as well, but once the vague aching starts subduing, he can see Dabi stop in the doorway and put a hand on his hip. “… those filthy gremlins have been spying on us.”

Indeed… someone brought the hero’s scantily loaded bag to the top of the staircase and left it there.

“In that case,” turns Dabi around, flinging said bag over to Hawks in the same breath, “go straight the fuck home and get yourself presentable, you overgrown turkey. Might wanna decide on the new alias by the next time I call, too. You already know the rest.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he sighs, dragging the strap over his head.

Between the echo of boots, there’s a distorted farewell: “See ya, little star.”

Hawks stops in his tracks. He looks over to the empty entrance, and the metal door wide open. The sound of footsteps has faded into barely more than creepy sounds in an abandoned building- if not for his feathers, he wouldn’t even know that six other people are under the roof he’s standing on. Spirits and shadows haunting an old convenience store like many others.

He's nothing more than another ghost out here, and yet… he's never felt so real.

---

No matter what he chooses, Dabi will just stick to 'fancy chicken.' Also, I’m so fucking proud of that Red Starling. Not only is it obscure astronomy bullshit (much like the title of this thing), but it would be a nifty alternative to Hawks; just hit up a video on a flock (or, as I just learned, murmuration) of starlings. Shit’s cray.

[the-little-prophet]

BDRP Questionnaire 2019

Posting this on Charlie since I actually talked about him quite a bit! Let’s gooooo

Characters: Berlioz, Hades, Kiara, Nala, Andrina, Merida, Charlie, Apollo, John, Su, Ashleigh, Nemo, Jun

Pick one of your characters and talk about their growth (we recommend choosing an older character, but it’s up to you!) What about their story has surprised you? What are you proud of? How have they changed from their original inception to now?

This one goes out to Charlie. I pitched Charlie very deceptively-- claiming he was a prophet, aligning him, at first, with Calliope, making it look like Charlie’s magic was of the classical, Cassandra-inspired kind. But all along, I knew that what I wanted Charlie to be was more of this sci-fi/fantasy blend as an homage to his movie’s sci-fi bend too. This year, I got to actually reveal that Charlie is a time traveler after two years!! This is very exciting for me! I’ve enjoyed being able to lean into Charlie’s new image systems with this reveal, even though I’m out of my depth and breaking like 67 different time travel rules, probably lol. Still, it’s been great to take him to that place, and to invent Future-Charlie as both a deux ex machina and an expression of identity/choice/free will etc etc. I did not have Future-Charlie in mind when I created Charlie, so that was something I was proud of coming up with!

Pick another character and talk a little about where you WANT them to go. What are your plans for them going into the new year?

I’m going to talk about Nemo if only because everyone else feels like a spoiler lol. Nemo, as a relatively new character though, is still full-speed-ahead on his initial goals that I outlined for him in his application. Now that Nemo’s been established in the school and he has this little group of buddies, I want:

To focus on his wing. I want Nemo to push himself, get himself in a spot of trouble, potentially injure himself.

Reveal his wings to at least one mundus friend

Continuing to infuse his posts with body image issues. This is a slow build kind of plot that really is like...the broth of Nemo’s plot-soup, lol, while training for his placement is the chicken and belonging at school is the noodles….it needs to be this throughline more than like, para a, para b, para c. at least for now.

Pick a thread or a plot that you’re proud of and talk about why you loved it.

I could pick a lot of threads here lol it’s honestly so HARD. But I think I want to shout-out to the Charlie/Jim first kiss thread because it surprised even me and Hannah. We initially planned for the first kiss to be just that-- one kiss, then we done, Jim and Charlie go on to be friends. But like in the best of cases, Jim and Charlie’s palpable chemistry actually informed more of Charlie’s arc and opened up avenues previously closed to me/Charlie since Charlie had been so SHUT to the idea of love. So! I really loved that thread. Also because like, I literally made Charlie experience the big bang after his first kiss. And THAT’S the BEST way to use magic in my opinion. Like when you can infuse magic with an emotional catharsis-- I think the other time I did that super well was similar actually, when Herc kissed Kiki’s cheek and she grew a tree in his room lol. So yeah! Some of my best writing in that thread, amazing chemistry, big surprises. It was an absolute pleasure.

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 strengths and talk about why you think it’s one of your strengths.

-Image systems. I dragged myself for this, but I think it’s something that really helps me find a character’s voice and make myself excited to RP them! Also, I think it’s what people like about my writing sometimes. Maybe. IDK, lol. -Complex Emotion: I’m stealing this from my mentor who said I’m good at creating complex emotion and so you know its true. My most introverted characters get the bulk of this naturally--they are introspective and feely and give themselves the space to think and feel. But I really want to try to inject more into my extroverted characters. I think I’m doing well for Nemo, who had undiagnosed anxiety and so that informs a lot of his personality in very interesting-- very OPPOSITE-- ways as Berlioz; Nemo struggles with being alone because ‘alone’ means he gets too in his head. That’s been really fun for me and why he’s quickly become one of my fave voices to write (I know, u all thought it was because I am in love with Jimin (true), but no its bc Nemo is an anxious, big feeling baby and he’s always so Alive to me, plus i was made to write a fairy it was always my destiny.)

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 areas of improvement.

-Dialogue: PERSONALLY I feel like I’m not great at dialogue. Some posts are better than others and I think I’m good at like…..texting dialogue? IDK. I feel like I struggle in paras though to craft good dialogue. It’s just, rn, average dialogue. Of course not every post needs to have hilarious, punchy, great dialogue. But do my characters sound different? Am I doing all I can to create rhythm and speech patterns? -Filtering: Im being very picky rn, because actually I don’t do this too much, but I do it enough where I’m like, I gotta go read some really stellar writers adn ban myself from using “Feel” and “think” for like a whole month. What I’m talkinga bout is like: Ber realized/ Ber thought / Ber knew. That kind of writing is totally fine, but that’s about it. I need to come up with more creative ways to talk about feelings and abstract concepts!!!

-Character: I know everyone is probably like………….how dare lauryl put this here. But listen. I don’t think I struggle with character on RP. But outside of RP? Oh boy! The THING about RP is you MUST create a character, that’s your vessel for writing here, and so you do all that development plus u got the four years of worldbuilding informing that character, and literally EVERYTHING CHARACTER DRIVEN ITS...THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.  Outside of RP though I think I have struggled because my natural affinity is worldbuilding and shit like that. I’m type 5 baby, I am attracted to characters who let me poke at things I don’t know anything about, like even Jun, part of it really is like, petitions and grocery store management lmfadsofij. SOOOo idk I just need to be able to focus on crafting characters that are compelling vessels for the cool shit I like to do outside of RP.

Pick one of your plots, or even just a character, and come up with a list of 3-5 “mentor texts” where you can look for inspiration or research, then write a short (2-4 sentences) why you picked those texts. JOHN DARLING BREAKS INTO FAERYLAND 1. Call Down the Hawk/Raven Cycle: It’s no coincidence that my reread of Raven Cycle last winter played a pretty big part in inspiring this new version of John. The descriptions of the magical forest Cabeswater and the hunt for Glendower have the same kind of contemporary fantasy vibe that I really like for John. And of course, Ronan’s dream magic is very much intertwined with the faery realm feeling like a dream (and Ashleigh, obviously, as a dark faery who can manipulate them). More than that though, the attention paid to the psyches of each character and how they drive the plot forward is just… /chefs kiss. 2. The Mabinogian: I want to draw from these classic Welsh/British stories and incorporate them in creative ways! Or just as, like, motifs are something. :) I have tried to do this but would like to be a lot more intentional, instead of just being like lmao let me look up some random shit for this one reply~ 3. The Hazel Wood: This book deals with characters coming into the real world from a book world! This kind of goes along with the Mabinogian as I kind of ish want to do something similar, only treating the Mabinogian as a historical, cultural text as opposed to a fiction. This book also focuses a lot on fairy tale tropes (like numbers) which I really want to incorporate in John’s stuff. I want to ideally write some of my own fairy tales-- I have one in mind actually through Ashleigh but it’s related to John too since he’d the scholar of said stories.  

And now, a wishlist!

-Exploring Nemo’s disability. This is slightly challenging for me since we don’t have many fairies, but I’m brainstorming some ideas and hope to really kick it off in January, leading up to his Talent Placement Test.   -I really want to have a lot of town-centric plots for Jun. Would love to rp with the police officers! I want to have Jun try to get some ppl arrested tbh ahah, like, Fflew for loitering, or maybe reporting Mitte. I would love some arch nemeses tbh-- Mitte does seem like a good one. AND I want to submit at least three petitions next semester!! Maybe i should make that two!! Still!! -Do some Bonfamille plots. I already have something I’m really excited about and have already planned here so this is a teaser… -Keep writing essays. The fairies have been great, getting me really inspired to do these.What’s been an amazing mental exercise, and why I cannot stop writing these, is thinking about how the political philosophy of Pixie Hollow informs how it functions: technically, socioculturally etc. It’s really fun for me to basically build a communist thought project and then enact it for real. I feel like I’m learning a lot about...well, societies, lol, and how the material factors endlessly bleed into, and shape, ideas and beliefs (and vice versa). Also, I literally have to do these because when Nemo is IN the Hollow and I want to write him getting a glass of water, I’m faced with a lot of technical questions: do fairies have running water? Does he have to get it from a stream? How do they keep things cool? Etc etc. And that’s why I go off on these, and I’m excited to keep doing them, as many as I can, with feedback from my fellow fairies. Also, do want to do ones that are NOT fairy related, so we’ll see about that. -Write John backstory. He’s gone on a few other adventures and I’d like to actually one-shot those maybe lol. -Alternate Charlie Timeline: This is something that’s bopping around in my head and I haven’t found the perfect way to make it happen, but I want Charlie to travel to an alternate version of his life and get stuck. When I figure out the right way to do this, my partners will also get to rp alternate versions of their characters lol. That’s fun right!! Of course it is, we do it all the time with AUs, but this one obvi be more personal and more closely tied to canon.

OPTIONAL: Why do you RP? First and foremost, I RP because it’s writing for the sake of writing-- joy for joy. I think this is even more important this year as I’ve had to focus on mentorship writing outside of RP. RP became the place where I didn’t have to think so hard about making everything make sense, lol. It gave my brain a break so I could be less judgmental of myself and just have fun and do the most ridiculous stuff...and some of my fave stuff iS ridiculous because of that...like Nemo and Sindri making flower crowns or the ASC nonsense. It’s this kind of light, fluffy, low-stake (but still High Stake) stuff that provided me endless joy when I needed it the most. Second of all, I RP because I really want to invest in people’s creative energy. I think doing so gives back to myself. Building canon, helping people brainstorm, seeing people grow-- I feel like a proud mom when I get to have this kind of mentorship role myself. I talked to MK about this, but even though Sam left to go off and do greater things, that’s like-- to me, it was a lot like he was graduating from this weird BDRP school I’ve helped create. I felt nothing but pride and happiness for him and really felt like, if BDRP was to explode tomorrow, I ACHIEVED the thing I set out to do when, four years ago, I sat on my computer and drafted BDRP’s mission and vision and committed myself to this admin role. And THAT’S what I want ideally-- for BDRP to be this collaborative place that doesn’t focus too much on what makes sense, on sitewide plots that force people into roles. I have always wanted plots like ASC and John’s search for Excalibur to be able to exist side by side, and I think we’ve done that. Now we just have to tend this garden, don’t we, haha? May BDRP bear many delicious fruit.

[imanes]

hi imane, are there any websites you would recommend for purchasing airy/light dresses and pants? i will be travelling to thailand for the first time and though i am very excited, the humidity is something i will have to adjust to. so far i have bought uniqlo airism singlets bc those are known for keeping you dry, but i also want to look presentable you know? i ask for websites bc my country is in winter atm and stores are only selling their winter collections. thank you!

hi babe! depending on your budget i have several websites to recommend but i don’t know if they’ll ship to you, if you’ll have custom charges and if they have a lot of suitable options for your usual style or in terms of material. above all i’d suggest to focus on materials such as cotton, linen and silk as they’re more breathable and comfortable but you should also be at ease in terms of how you style yourself so don’t be too strict either. anyways let’s list the usual suspects:

asos: they’re having a sale rn and they feature summer and winter clothes all year long. don’t forget to filter items so for example if you’re looking for dresses, you can select dress type - summer dresses. that way you can weed out irrelevant results since they list so many options

wholesale websites: i wouldn’t necessarily recommend shein, romwe or yesstyle for a lot of reasons but if your budget is limited you can start there

reformation: if you have the funds you should check out their items. granted these are definitely investment pieces but in terms of sustainability and material they have beautiful options. however most of them have to be handwashed and it’s not ideal on holidays! so be mindful of that. other reformation-money brands are: anthropologie, for love and lemons, free people, vanessa mooney. some of them are a tad skimpy tho so idk if you’ll like them! after a cursory glance i think my fave options would be reformation, anthropologie and free people but you do you!

nasty gal: mid-tier option, seemingly under a perpetual state of sale (everything is 40% off rn)

asos but expensive: lulus (covers a wide variety of prices), revolve (ngl i find most items basic/ugly.. but for the sake of fairness i’m listing it, and sometimes you can find pretty items in the most unlikely of places) and shopbop (i know OF it but i’ve never checked it out), net-à-porter (mrs moneybags)

ngl the first time i breathed air outside the airport there i thought i was going to die but it’s surprisingly easy to adjust to the climate in thailand! i was dealing just fine regardless of what material i was wearing. talc was my best friend to avoid chaffing like i know you didn’t ask but literally get yourself some at 7/11 or boots when you get there it’ll be very helpful especially if u wear dresses and ur thighs rub. also if you’re gonna get massages never wear a dress/skirt!! same thing for visiting temples you should be covering your shoulders and legs. and lastly if you’re gonna get those flowy tourist pants go to chatuchak weekend market in bangkok if that’s a viable option for you (depending on your itinerary and everything) that’s where you’ll find them for the best price. hennyways if you want me to show you some stuff i wore in thailand for inspo i can take pics i’ll tell you which outfits i found most comfortable/efficient cuz in the end i was just repeating the same combos ajdfjgldfgjl

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

Okay so, there isn’t a huge amount of shadowhunters episodes left before it ends I’m gonna bring something up now I’ve been thinking about. Realistically when shadowhunters ends, a lot of the community will just drop. Over time a lot less content will be made. I mean hell even in the hiatus it got to points where I was actively looking for new SH stuff to post bc pretty much nothing showed up on the tag. A lot of the bigger content creators will lessen their involvement or move onto something else entirely. It’s gonna get quieter. 

And realistically, I’m not going to be here posting SH for the rest of my life. It’s been a joy to write those weird little chat posts each day and throw something out into the fandom to see if anyone else likes it. I’m not leaving! But I am asking if you have any ideas what you want me to do next. In all options I’ll still be reblogging SH, still making posts occasionally (though eventually I’ll stop doing it daily and lay off a bit, they’ll still appear sometimes). I enjoy being on tumblr BUT a lot of what keeps me here is activity, if I just kept going SH I can guarantee you I’d reach a stopping point where I got bored and never came back. I’m sure I’ll get bored of tumblr one day but we’re not there yet SO:

a) I make this into a multifandom account, spread my branches, reach into other fandoms as well. I promise I’ll start a tagging system so you can always just filter out what you don’t want to see. To give you an idea I’m a big MCU nerd (like it’d probably be a flood there), doctor who, brooklyn nine nine, lucifer and i have lots of other little interests like BBC Class or DGHDA or Sherlock or maybe even some SPN though I’ll admit to not keeping up with the show anymore. Other movies I see, new shows I start (my parents and I are looking at watching Good Omens together when it starts for example). a lot of fandoms aren’t coming to mind rn but you know, those are an idea.

b) I make this into just a huge mess of an account with EVERYTHING sdfjhsdf fandoms, memes, funny shit I see, shit I see that makes me cry, amazing photography, some quote I like, animals, some ungodly post that makes me want to die, LGBT+ stuff (cause ya know i’m gay), ESSENTIALLY EVERYTHING THAT CROSSES MY DASH COULD END UP HERE. Basically option a) but more and without limits.

c) I leave this account be and start a new account, let y’all know and anyone that wants to follow me over there can, maybe cause you like me or maybe cause you’re interested in what the new account will have (I doubt it’ll be a specific account like specifically doctor who stuff, it’ll be either option a or option b, just in a new place). I already have a side blog that’s kind of a mess of stuff I wanted to reblog but didn’t put on here, though there is admittedly not much bc lord knows I’m too lazy to change it so it reblogs to that account not my main one. This is just an option if anyone had an attachment to my SH stuff and wanted it to be left on it’s own so they could scroll back through whenever they wanted (or another reason but that seems like the main one)

d) suggestions?

At the end of the day it is my account and I can do whatever I want with it but I’ve got a few of you following me now and I appreciate y’all sticking around, I’d like to know what you’d like to see me do, maybe have you stick around a bit longer. I don’t imagine I’ll get a huge response to this post so it’s not like the majority option will win (unless like 10 people reply and you all say [this letter] then ok majority probably wins), more like I’ll be taking into account a way you’d still enjoy this account despite it not being the SH focused account it has been for idk the past 2 years or something.

I love being able to talk to you guys, to interact and to have you supporting me no matter what I post (yeah i’m talking about you few that I see liking every single post). It’s like a smaller community that I love. The change in the account will most likely change that but so would SH ending so you know, I’m just controlling that change to a degree.

Anyway I’ll probably reblog this a few times over the next few weeks at different times and on different days just to see if I can pick up some responses from people but I promise to try not to be annoying about it. Lemme know an option or your thoughts however you want, replying to this, send an ask (anon if you want), message me, idk figure out where i live and send a letter if ur a snail mail kind of person (pls don’t do that), whatever works for you.  BUT ALSO, NOTHING WILL BE CHANGING U N T I L SHADOWHUNTERS ENDS, NO SOONER. THESE CHANGES WILL ONLY HAPPEN AFTER. AND PROBABLY NOT IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE LAST EPISODE ENDS EITHER. THERE’LL PROBABLY BE A BIT OF TIME BEFORE I START BRINGING THEM IN. OK COOL THANKS.

[sizzleitupwithmaria]

the challenge is on, foolish mortal

1. how tall are you?

5 feet 7 inches

2. what is your body type?

i’m shaped like an hourglass but i’m also a lil chubby

3. what is your favorite part about your body?

i occasionally like my face and this is a little bit weird but i have pretty good tits

4. is your current hair color your natural hair color?

yep!

5. are you more outgoing or more shy

dude i’m shy af

6. are you more femme or butch?

i’m a pretty solid futch

7. are you tol or smol?

i’m tol bitch!!

8. wine mom or vodka aunt?

i feel like i’m a vodka aunt, but i’m also 14 and don’t commit crimes

9. weird habit?

i stick my tongue out whenever i’m super focused and i used to be really self conscious about it

10. favorite meme?

my current favorite is the shen yun memes but i don’t have an all time favorite

11. do you sing in the shower?

no bc the bathroom is right next to my parent’s bedroom :):):)

12. ever used a bow and arrow?

yeah i was in girl scouts for a while

13. are you/were you a theater kid?

see basically all of my vent posts and you’ll find the answer (i’m in a weird relationship with theater right now, but we’ll have to see how sophomore year turns out)

14. have you ever seen a broadway musical?

yeah!! i’m also seeing another one in 112 days lol

15. do you think musicals are cheesy?

some are, but that doesn’t make them bad

16. have you ever been part of a protest or a march?

yeah, i went to march for our lives last year!!

17. favorite cards against humanity card?

i don’t actually own or play CAH, but i like “Bees.”

18. last movie you watched?

newsies, but that was only to grab screenshots lol (maura will know)

19. behind the camera or in front of it?

both!!

20. favorite tv show?

uhhhhh frasier? 

21. meaning behind your url

sizzle it up with taako is a taz reference

22. reason you joined tumblr

i have no fucking idea bc it was so long ago

23. who’s your closest tumblr friend?

i’d say @baura-bear but i’ve also known her irl for 8 years? i don’t actually have any purely tumblr friends, feel free to hmu

24. what’s something most people love that you hate?

most foods

25. have you ever taken narcotics?

considering that i had to look up what that meant, the answer is no

26. have you ever had sex?

i’m 14

27. have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or anything bad?

nope, i lead a pretty boring life (i’d actually sneak out quite often if my bedroom wasn’t on the second floor)

28. worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?

i’ve told my dad that i love him before

29. describe your passion without mentioning it.

i’m currently at a crossroads with it and it’s pretty stressful for me rn but i’m committed to getting better and not crying daily over it

30. describe your best friend

i don’t actually think i have a solid enough relationship with anyone to have a best friend lol

31. give us one thing about you that no one knows

OH UHHHH i pop my acne?? that might be obvious if you look at my face tho

32. how do you feel right now?

pretty solid, i have a little bit of a headache and i’m a bit sad but i’m doing okay

33. what is your biggest fear?

failure, but that’s probably just bc i set so high expectations for myself lol

34. what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

breakfast in america by supertramp

35. what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?

maybe quitting band and strings in 5th grade or quitting track

36. have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?

OH YEAH but we’re not gonna talk about that right now

37. something you fantasize about

i always dream of living in a tiny nyc apartment with a beautiful wife and working at some nondescript company and shopping in my free time

38. last time you cried and why

??? i actually don’t know. i nearly cried last night bc my dad was nearly yelling at me, we’re not gonna get into that though

39. what was the last thing that made you laugh?

i put a stupid snapchat filter on my face

40. do you really, truly miss someone right now?

yeah

41. who do you feel most comfortable talking about anything with?

my own self?? i have trust issues lol

42. the last time you felt broken?

maybe this morning just bc i had a weird dream and was processing it lol

43. are you starting to realize anything?

yeah

44. are you more dom or sub?

sub, but just in general, i haven’t ever had sex

45. i’ll only date you if _____

you’re a woman? i don’t have many standards lol

46. do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?

okay this question is probably geared more towards adults but as a freshman, i’m fine with dating sophomores and juniors, and maybe 8th graders?? that’s a little iffy though

47. describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail

ummm i’m not sure if it’s a crush anymore but she’s tall, skinny, had black hair that she dyes often but it never shows, she dresses similar to me, she’s a photographer, and i think she might be into me :/

48. do you have any kinks?

yes but i’ll never tell anybody even if they paid me money

49. first thing you notice in a person?

uhhh their outfit?

50. how can someone win your heart?

by loving me a lot and dealing with my weird personality

51. been rejected by a crush?

i’ve only asked a crush out once and that went pretty well so no

52. have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

yes, who hasn’t?

53. would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

nope

54. is trust a big issue for you?

is the sky blue?

55. did you hang out with the person you like recently?

nope, we’ve been meaning to for a while though

56. is confidence cute?

sometimes, just don’t be weird to other people

57. what would you say if the person you like kissed another person?

i wouldn’t care LMAO

58. would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

probably not

59. does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?

maybe?? my interactions with her have been a blur lmao

60. ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

oh yeah

61. do you want to get married?

yes, but purely to flex the fact that i can get gay married

62. worst thing you’ve ever done?

idk probably self harmed

63. three things that turn you on

1. women

2. women

3. women

64. who do you hate?

nobody, really

65. favorite term of endearment?

sweetheart/love GET ME EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! if i ever write some romance y’all will see

66. who was your gay awakening?

idk if you count this as a gay awakening but once when i was like four i said to my dad “if i could marry anyone, i’d marry sarah” (one of my friends) (holy shit i just got kind of sad remembering her i liked her a lot and she had a cool family i need to see if she has an ig)

67. intimidating girls or kind girls?

both at the same time

68. what do you look for in a possible partner

women

69. do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

tbh the only styles that are off the table for me are hyper masculine and hyper feminine, anyone else is great

70. are you good at flirting?

i don’t have the confidence to flirt lol

71. who was the first person you came out to?

my friends ellie and lilli, at the same time, on accident

72. do you have any friends who are wlw?

the question is do i have friends that aren’t wlw 

73. is your crush wlw?

i believe so

74. last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?

this one junior boy who.... oh boy... he’s not hot at all but he’s so nice to literally everyone

75. write a short love poem to your crush/self?

i don’t feel like i’m attached enough to my crush to write a poem to them

76. do you fall in love easily?

i think so

77. is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yeah

78. are you good at hiding your feelings?

oh hell yeah, at least i think so

79. are you a forgiving person?

depends on what the person did

80. what is your type?

i don’t really have one? being taller than me is nice

81. fall asleep in her arms or tub her back until she falls asleep in yours?

both, with a preference for the first one

82. tall girls or short girls?

TOL

83. hugs or kisses

both, especially at the same time

84. twirl her around or get twirled?

both!!

85. tummy kisses or thigh kisses?

tummy!! thigh kisses are a bit too close to the pussy for my taste

86. hairline kisses or neck kisses?

hairline

87. play with her hair or stroke her tummy?

both!!!!!!!!!

88. making our or soft kisses

soft kisses

89. hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?

both, it just depends on the situation

90. how confident are you in your sexuality?

probably 80%

91. when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?

idk if i ever blush but i have to REALLY like someone to get butterflies

92. have you ever likes a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?

i have multiple times but i’ve only told someone once

93. how old were you when you realized you were into girls?

11 or 12

94. most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

idk, i tend to forget those things

95. do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?

i honestly don’t ship many lesbians lmao. can i count my own ocs? bc julia and emily are great

96. what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?

i don’t think i’ve actually had anything negative said about my sexuality directly to me, so i’m a bit lucky

97. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?

i honestly have no idea

98. what is love to you?

when we make each other happy

99. ask me anything

i mean my ask is always open if anyone wants to do this

thanks for listening to me be super gay and sad for a little bit

[bolbianddolanhouse]

Bath Magic: ‘So please go back to sleep’ [Joji inspired]

こにちわ 皆さん! I concocted another bath spell inspired by one of my favorite rising artists, Joji. Now, I start classes again but I ALWAYS have trouble going to sleep at a reasonable time! Even though my class starts at noon, I still manage to be late to the dang class! So why not a bath spell the night before my 1st day back?! This is a sleep and anti-anxiety bath, so get ready for a good nights sleep.

はじましょ！

I used:

Lavender

Eucalytus 

Bergamot

Chamomile

Rosemary

Lemongrass

Healing bath salts [can sub for lavender scented or your favorite]

Lavender castile soap

Milky bath Bubble Bar [I used half the bar bc I also used castile soap]

Ickle Baby Bot Bath Bomb[can sub for a favorite lavender bath bomb]

tea lights [as many as you want and any scent, i used Lavender]

optional:

Sage or sandalwood Incense

This song from Joji’s Boiler Room set [take a listen to it rn :3 you wont regret it!]

crystals to aid sleeping [common ones are Amethyst, Moonstone, Malachite and Labradorite] 

Put all the herbs and flowers in a filter and tie it up tight, toss in tub filled half with hot water and let it steep. After a few mins, toss in bath salts and turn on water and add soap and bubble bar. Turn off water and toss in bath bomb, light the incense and candles as bomb fizzes out. Set crystal at edge or away from the tub if its not water safe! Put the song on loop and get in the tub. Take in all the scents and relax! Listen to the song, sing along if you want. Let yourself loosen up in the water and let any anxieties that are keeping you up at night down the drain. 

Intentions:

Sleep and anti-anxiety to start (or get back) on a sleep schedule.

Inspiration:

Like I said, Joji’s Boiler Room set STILL has me shook! I’m so excited for their album to drop and how the songs from the set are finalized. This particular song is one of their few ballads that doesn’t make me sad, bitter or curse out my ex-lover! It reminds me of those nights when i was in a long term relationship and I’m up at weird hours of the night doing work or thinking and they tell me in that sleepy, groggy voice to go back to sleep. And how could I say no to that? This song seemed so right for that reason to make a bath spell, so why not?

Outcome:

I had to re-attempt this, it worked the 1st time but then I got whole new set of anxieties to eat at me the moment I arrived at school. Like they weren’t social anxieties, they were academic ones. My Japanese 204 class (the last level at my school for graduation) was cancelled and pulled from the school roster bc low enroll. On top of that I have to wait either a whole year to take it or go to another school to take it next semester. Now I’m stuck taking only one monday class and it basically forces me to go work BUT if you know me you KNOW how long I’ve been applying with no luck getting hired (I’ve been applying to places since I was 18, I’m 21 rn). It’s messy at the moment and it’s keeping me up.

attempt #2- Done under different conditions, since it was BLISTERING hot where I live, I only did hot water for the herb infusing and filled the tub with cool water. The whole point is to be comfortable and soothed so this tempurature change didn’t matter. I was able to get into my old sleep schedule of 1am-8:30ish. Not going to lie, it was the most refreshing sleep I’ve ever had despite the heat wave. 

But everything was perfect in both instances, the water turned a nice milky blue color with a nice pile of bubbles. I turned off the lights and just let the soft candlelight help me get in the mindset of relaxation. With the things I used, my bath smelled alot like lavender, if you’re not too into those heavy herb scents, omit the lavender castile soap and use the whole bubble bar (or if you are not in the position to get Lush products, use  milk or milk powder and a mild scented bubble bath soap, the point is to get a milky/cloudy colored bath to lull in drowziness)

Tips

USE CHEESECLOTH! I can’t stress this enough! Also don’t feel like you HAVE to use Lush products, I’m not gonna lie, it was a bit pricey. I had to purchase the bath bomb ($4.95USD), bubble bar ($7.95USD) and Castile soap ($10.75USD). Since I had to reattempt this bath, I had to repurchase the bath bomb! Make do with what you have and splurge if you’d like. If you used a crystal, put the crystal under your pillow before you sleep, if you wake up in a cold sweat/sudden anxiety, take the crystal and rub it on your face gently and sing to yourself ‘Once in awhile, we dig through the stars, so please go back to sleep’ until sleep comes back. 

Sweet sleep to all of you trying this out, sorry this post is hella lengthy! Shorter posts yet to come~

[r-o-se]

A bit less than 101 comment summary abt produce 101 season 2 ep 6  [watch it here]

Noone even reads those anymore but I like doing them so you know what fuck it lol 

1.      Omg this subber adds full names and ent companies I’m in love theyre just showing the rankings rn

2.      The benefit is now 10k for the team that gets 1st place by individual points but the 1st place trainees for each category is 100 fucking 000

3.      The position songs are

a.      RAP- Zico – Boys and Girls // iKON – Rhythm Ta // SMTM – I’m not the person you used to know // Mino – Fear

b.      VOCAL – BoA – Amazing Kiss // SJung Seunghwan – If it was you // Blackpink – Playing with Fire // BTS – Spring day // I.O.I – Downpour

c.      DANCE – Ed Sheeran – Shape of You // Flo Rida – Right Round // Jason Derulo – Get Ugly // NSync – POP

4.      Good luck kiddos the choosing is hidden so they won’t see who chose what before they’ve chosen themselves

5.      Seungwoo just dragged my baby Hyunbin through mud and said he doesn’t wanna be in a dance team with him again lol I understand him fully though aahahahahha

6.      Samuel just said he’s a bit afraid of Jihoon so he wants to avoid him but they’re in the same team again aaaaaaahahahhahaha  THIS IS SO CUTEE

7.      Hyungseob didn’t want eigher but GET FUCKED AAHAHAH ALL HIGH RANKED DANCERS ARE IN GET UGLY SEUNGWOO AND DANIEL AND HYUNGSEOB AND JIHOON AND SAMUEL

8.      PLAYING WITH FIRE TEAM AKA REN DAEHWI SEWOON ANDDDDDDDD BAEKHO

9.      FUCKING GOD DAEHWIS FACE WHEN BAEKHO WENT INTO THE PLAYING WITH FIRE TEAM AHAHA LIL KID SO SCARED

10.   Hyunbin is up and BoA is like…. Bro u alright?? U sure about this?

11.   BOI IS GONNA SING AAHAHAH FUCK DUMBO ITS IOI DOWNPOUR

12.   Big Woojin was the last to choose Get Ugly and closes it goddamn

13.   Gunhees mouth opens so wide holy shit

14.   ALL VOCAL POSITIONS GOT TAKEN BEFORE WOODAM COULD CHOOSE IM SO FUCKING DEPRESSED THIS IS SO SAD IM SO SORRY BABY BABY HES CRYING THIS IS SO DEPRESSING

15.   Fuck this show I’m so so sad how could they do this to Woodam

16.   Everyone are looking forward to Playing with Fire Team bc they all know how arranging music works

17.   Baekho: Disagrees w Sewoon

Mnet: *tense aggressive music* *montage of angry eyed Baekho* *red filter*

18.   This team has troubles with agreeing on the style of the stage

19.   IM A BOY YOU ARE A GIRL IM A BOY BUT YOU ARE A GIRL

20.   This stage has Alpaca Youngmin, BNM Donghyun and Dongbin the crybaby

21.   But it looks like theyre having disagreements too RIP

22.   Dongbin doesn’t even know how to rap baby why did you go there someone save Youngmin

23.   JINWOOS TEAM YE BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

24.   Mnet is tryna pit Jinwoo and Seongri againste eachother aahahah fuck off anyways Seongri is the center

25.   Kim Yehyeon just gave everyone a full course in music theory and composition WELL FUCKING DONE DUDE YOU GOT MY RESPECT

26.   Save Yongguk who others haven’t even noticed before I NOTICED U I STILL LOVE U IM A PESSIMIST TOO WE CAN BE NEGATIVE TOGETHER

27.    This team works so well and sweet together I love it

28.   Shape of you team now with Noh Taehyun and oldie tiptoes Seongwoo and Namhyung and Justin and others

29.   Taehyun doesn’t wanna teach anyone because he hates teaching but good fucking luck with thet aahahah

30.   They’re doing expressions to figure out the leader its so EMBARRASSING AAHAH AWWW

31.   JUSTIN YOURE 15 FUCCKING STOP WHAT THE HELLL IS THAT FACE

32.   TAEHYUN IS CENTER AND LEADER U DESERVE IT BOYO HE STARTS CHOREOGRAPHING RIGHT AWAY AND HES SO FASTTT DANCE GOD

33.   JR TEAM

34.   Baby was right away like ‘I don’t think I can be center so forget me’ but Guanlin and Moonbok want the position so that’s a thing

35.   Jr thinks Guanlin fits the center and eventho Moonbok wanted the position too he didn’t say anything because he wants to ggive others a chance ngl I really have started to like Moonbok hes friendly and not as annoying as I thought before

36.   ITS JINWOOS TEAMMMMM MY BOY LOOKIN FINE AS HELLLL DOIN DUMB POSES

37.   Everyone are shook while practicing cause their harmonies are so gooddd

38.   Kim Yongguk is a baby with low self esteem but he improved a loootttt I’m PROUD HE GOT PRAISED BY SEOKHOON

39.   During the actual concert BoA is in Japan doing a concert so she’s gonna oversee everyone rn which is really nice of her

40.   EVEN BOA PRAISED YONGGUK IM SO PROUD

41.   Ok but they aren’t giving the others screentime at all which is a bit sad IDK I WANNA SEE OTHERS TOO

42.   THE OTHER TEAM BOYS ARE CHEERING FOR EACHOTHER THIS IS SO CUTEEEE

43.   Jinwoo just sitting there being pretty is enough to make my day ngl AND HIS VOICEEEE

44.   ‘your body will react now’ my what anyways its right round time

45.   Cheetah is so adorable this season anyways this stage is LIT AND DAEHWI IMMITATING THEM IS CUTE AS FUCK AND THEYRE SYNCED AS HELLLLL

46.   They keep filming one girl in the audience I stg she gets more screentime than most trainees

47.   If Hwiseung and Byunmin get eliminated I’m gonna be Real Fuckin Sad

48.   Eunki is the leader and wants to be the new Bang Bang team

49.   Besides him, the team has Haknyeon plus Hwiseung and Hwanoong and K-Tiger Hyunmin and some others as well, Hwanoong is the center which makes Haknyeon salty ripppp

50.   Eunki has a death wish I stg he picks on Haknyeon and obvi Mnet grasped onto it and bam evil edit eventho Eunki has a reason to pick, Haknyeon is kind of behind on the choreo eventho he has a point since he doesn’t have a big part

51.   Eunki and Haknyeon talked it out I’m glad and everything goes really well and smoothly on the practice stage IM SO HAPPY

52.   THE PERFORMANCE HAS SUCH GOOD ENERGYYYY also they did scorption dance but didn’t fully show it?? Mnet the fuck

53.   HYUNMIN IS SO LIT I LOVE HIM AND HAKNYEON GOT TO DO KISSY FACES AT THE CAMERAAAAA

54.   Boys and girls Donnghyunnnnnnn is a CUTIE CUTIE but bnm kids are worried about the high standards everyone have for them goddamnit Dongbin poor baby

55.   BIG WOOJIN WENT AND HELPED THEIR TEAM WITH DONGBIN TOO BABYYYYYY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

56.   DAEHWI IS SO CUTE JAMMING ALONGGGG THEIR STAGE IS SO GOOD I LOVE ITTTTT

57.   Kinda sad that they don’t have the iconic IM A BOY YOU ARE A GIRL IM A BOY BUT YOU ARE A GIRL chorus but it’s the stage itself is good and DONGBIN IS STILL ALIVE AND SMILING AND DONGHYUN IS SO GORGEOUSSSSS FUCKKKKKK AND YOUNGMIN IS FUCKING OWNING IT I LOVE HIM

58.   A trend that needs to stop: Leaders blaming themselves for everything and apologizing for first place

59.   SHAPE OF YOU TEAM YOOO BOYYYYYYYYYY IM LOOKING FOWARD TO THIS HARD eventho I already saw the vid of how they got evil edited and screentime cut and whatnot

60.   Oh nooooooo it’s a dance battle obvi Taehyun is out there fuckin KILLIN it best dancer in broduce I stg I LOVE HIMMMM everyone are thinking he will win first dance position

61.   EUNKI AND PARK WOOJIN AND ONG KILLED IT TOOOO HOLY FUCKING SHIT

62.   Their team has a loooot of small mistakes which makes me sad and yeah exactly as the vid said, they didn’t give them screentime and fucking cut out the killing part I’m so angry

63.   THE CHOREO IS SO GOOD I LOVE NOH TAEHYUN SO MUCH THEY FILMED THE SYNCCED LINEUP STUFF FROM THE SIDE WHY ON EARTH WHY DOES MNET HATE THEIR GROUP

64.   The crowd is shouting encore…. Is this why Mnet evil edited them…. Jesus fucking Christ I’m so angry

65.   THE KIDS ARE SO HYPE ABOUT BEING CALLED FOR ENCORE THIS IS SO CUTEEEE TAEHYUN GOT FIRST HES SO SO WORTHY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE REALLY DESERVES IT

66.   The others are still so happy for Taehyun this team has such good teamwork I’m cryin Mnet fuckin rudeeeee

67.   MINO FEAR UP W MY BOYSSSSS JR MOONBOK GUANLIN KIM TAEMIN

68.    Save Guanlin who can’t perform well in front of teachers I UNDERSTAND U BOO I GET IT AND HE GOT EVEN PRAISED BABYYY

69.   Their entire team got pencils in their mouths CUTIESSS

70.   Can’t believe Guanlin has two NU’EST guardians now god bless JR and Baekho BOA PRAISED HIS PRONOUNCIATION IM SO HAPPY I LOVE JR GOD BLESS NATIONS LEADER

71.   Taemin has been a trainee for 5 years????? Holy shit SAVE THIS BOY I’M SAD

72.   Moonbok made his rap for Hyunwoo bc he’s sad IM SAD TOO AAA

73.   ALL OF THEIR RAPS ARE SO EMOTIONAL WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS SO GOOD IM SAD

74.   NUEST  ARE ALL LOOKIN SAD KAHI IS BORDERLINE CRYING BAEKHOS LIPS TREMBLING IM EMOOOOO AS FUUUCKKKKK

75.   FUCKING DOGBIN BEING HOPELESS ABOUT NOT DEBUTING HYUNWOO IS IN THE CROWD CRYING AND MOONBOK IS BEING SAD THIS IS SO GOOD I LOVE THIS STAGE AAAAAAAAA

76.   ITS JINWOOS TEAMMMMM MY BOY LOOKIN FINE AS HELLLL DOIN DUMB POSES

77.   Everyone are shook while practicing cause their harmonies are so gooddd

78.   Kim Yongguk is a baby with low self esteem but he improved a loootttt I’m PROUD HE GOT PRAISED BY SEOKHOON

79.   During the actual concert BoA is in Japan doing a concert so she’s gonna oversee everyone rn which is really nice of her

80.   EVEN BOA PRAISED YONGGUK IM SO PROUD

81.   Ok but they aren’t giving the others screentime at all which is a bit sad IDK I WANNA SEE OTHERS TOO

82.   THE OTHER TEAM BOYS ARE CHEERING FOR EACHOTHER THIS IS SO CUTEEEE

83.   Jinwoo just sitting there being pretty is enough to make my day ngl AND HIS VOICEEEE

84.   ‘your body will react now’ my what anyways its right round time

85.   Its basically the exact same footage as before Haknyeon vs Eunki

86.   Cheetah is so adorable this season anyways this stage is LIT AND DAEHWI IMMITATING THEM IS CUTE AS FUCK AND THEYRE SYNCED AS HELLLLL

87.   They keep filming one girl in the audience I stg she gets more screentime than most trainees

88.   If Hwiseung and Byunmin get eliminated I’m gonna be Real Fuckin Sad

89.   ITS BLACKPINK STAGE TIME YE BOIIIIIIIIIIII It’s Baekho, Ren, Daehwi and Sewoon

90.   They got some problems with Sewoon playing guitar but it all GOOD they got em solved

91.   Ren got shades on lookin like the love child of Zion.T and Lady gaga

92.   Daehwi just blowed some red god damn CONFETTI it looks GOOD AS HELL YOOO THAT BOY LOOKS FUCKING FINE HERE

93.   Ren was last, Sewoon third, Baekho second and Daehwi first

94.   Cant believe Sewoon and Daehwi got over their Baekhophobia tru character development

95.   GET UGLY STAGE HOLY SHITTTT ALL THE POPULAR KIDS THERE

96.   Danik my dude doin all sorts of handstand bboy things bruh I bet his arms look hella nice

97.   THEY JUST CUT IT!! JUST LIKE THAT! NO FUCK

[zombolouge]

The longest tag ever

Tagged in this by @illneverrecover who is basically my nurse sister and also a blessing and I love her. She didn't technically tag me to do it but I'm sick so I didn't realize that until I was halfway through answering OOPS NOW IM COMMITTED I'm writing this while high on cold meds AND on mobile so pls excuse all abnormal levels of stupidity THE LAST: 1. DRINK: water, THE LIQUID OF LIFE, BLOOD FROM THE SURGING SEAS WHICH SHAPE OUR PLANET WITH TIDES THAT DANCE TO THE RHYTHMS OF THE SULLEN, SILVER MOON. You know, after it's been filtered a bit tho. 2. PHONE CALL: My mom, a week or so ago. I called her to tell her I got tickets to go see Queen in concert because I knew she would appreciate it ^_^ 3. TEXT MESSAGE: my roommate texting me two taco emojis to announce dinner 4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Oh god I don't remember probably Rush but I'm real high on NyQuil so idk 5. TIME YOU CRIED: Saturday. I cried through the whole first half of the Roger Waters show, ESPECIALLY when they played Wish You Were Here (guys I lost my shit and have no shame it was awesome) HAVE YOU: -6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: nope 7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: yup yup YUP 8. BEEN CHEATED ON: Yes 9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: a person? No. Pet? Yes. Of all the weird tragedy I have dealt with in life, the death of a loved one has been strangely absent 10. BEEN DEPRESSED: YUP 11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: nope LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: turquoise, grey, and blue IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: Yes! Mostly online tho 16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: no 17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: Lol I do this most of the time when I GM so yes 18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: yeah, but I don't really care lol 19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: Uh....I don't know I'm not existential enough rn to answer this one 20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: Uh????? I have no idea 21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: Lol I have done no smooching and I don't even know who the fuck is on my Facebook anymore GENERAL: 22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: No idea 23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: three cats: Lucifer, Bubbies, and Fritz 24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: Nah 25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: I got really sweet and lovely gifts from my friends and laid low to let The Accursed Time pass, then I went to take myself out for a steak dinner and watch a live show of MBMBAM. 26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: lol I have slept all day because of the cold so I have no fucking clue 27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: Sleeping 28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: My trip to San Diego in July. I CANNOT WAIT IM VERY EXCITED. 29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: March of 2015 :( 30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: I wish I could spend all day writing. 31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING RIGHT NOW: a toddler giggling bc she's running around naked 32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: Yes...what a weird fucking question tho 33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: Sinus congestion 34. MOST VISITED WEBSITE: probably google idk 35. MOLE/S: I don't think so 36. MARK/S: I have a scar on my knee from skinning it twice in the same spot in the same week, and a scar on my arm where I fell on a fork. Not much else tho 37. CHILDHOOD DREAM: to be remembered 38. HAIRCOLOR: Red. REDHEADS FOR LIFE. 39. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: short 40. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: yes, everyone. I have a crush on everybody and I love you all so much 41. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: that I'm creative and emotional. I like that I experience all my feelings at an 11 42. PIERCINGS: none 43. BLOODTYPE: no idea 44. NICKNAME: Zom 45. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single 46. ZODIAC: Pisces 47. PRONOUNS: she/her 48. FAVORITE TV SHOW: Galavant, Firefly, Eureka, American Gods, Game of Thrones, Grey's Anatomy 49. TATTOOS: none but I have a list of tattoos that I want to get when I have the money 50. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: right 51. SURGERY: none 52. HAIR DYED IN DIFFERENT COLOR: Been dying it red since 8th grade 53. SPORT: I like watching sports with other people that like sports. I don't gravitate to it on my own but love to get into it with other peeps 55. VACATION: I've had a few. I took a trip to Canada last year, and THIS year I'm going to: San Diego, San Francisco, and Japan ^_^ 56. PAIR OF TRAINERS: ...p...Pokémon? MORE GENERAL: 57. EATING: food?? I like buffalo wings. I'm currently eating donuts 58. DRINKING: nothin 59. I’M ABOUT TO: watch the Bachelorette with my roommate and hate on Lee, who is the ghost of a plantation owner given form again. Racist motherfucker 61. WAITING FOR: Saturday, when I get to see Queen in concert 62. WANT: to be able to write for a living 63. GET MARRIED?: sure, if the right person comes along and they want to, but I wouldn't lose my shit if they didn't 64. CAREER: I am a Microsoft slave by day and writer by night. I look forward to the day when it's just "writer of all kinds" WHICH IS BETTER 65. HUGS OR KISSES: BOTH AND YOU CAN NEVER MAKE ME CHOOSE 66. LIPS OR EYES: eyes 67. SHORTER OR TALLER: I’m very short and I'm attracted to very tall because the tol and smol aesthetic must be adhered to 68. OLDER OR YOUNGER: older, but age is just a number. It depends more on who they are not how old they are. 70. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: uh...I'm gonna go with personality. 71. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: both us goid 72. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: Lol I equate physical affection with my emotional attachment so hookups are a BAD SCENE for me. Relationship pls 73. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: depends on how much wine I've had HAVE YOU EVER: 74. KISSED A STRANGER: No. 75. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: ye boi 76. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: No, but I've only been wearing glasses for a year or so 77. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: yup 78. SEX IN THE FIRST DATE: No 79. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: Yes 80. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: YUP 81. BEEN ARRESTED: NOPE 82. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: yeah 83. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: lol YUP DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. YOURSELF: when I can get my brain to shut up for long enough, yeah 85. MIRACLES: maybe 86. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: Yes 87. SANTA CLAUS: No 88. KISS IN THE FIRST DATE: yes 89. ANGELS: Uh...idk??? No idea man OTHER: 90. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME: I'm so not gonna pick and choose, I have a few best friends 91. EYE COLOR: green :) 92. FAVORITE MOVIE: The Last Unicorn There I did it even tho nobody wanted this IF YOU WANT TO DO IT CONSIDER YOURSELF TAGGED BC I LOVE YOU. YES, YOU. YOU DON'T THINK I MEAN YOU, BUT I DEFINITELY DO.

[evans-heaven]

Just venting

(if you read, please don’t reblog)

I have a lot on my mind rn and this in particular is the only thing i feel secure enough to talk about without crying ofc :)

The Chris fandom isn’t exempt from falling victim to drama and bs, and its frequent, unfortunately. But after my experience in the Sh*wn M*ndes fandom, I’ll take fake girlfriend drama and the odd blog no one really likes over...well whatever tf went on in Sh*wn’s fandom during the period of time I’m talking about.

And I’m not talking about Sh*mila, since basically the whole of shawnblr was in agreement over that (with the exception of a few, but hey) being a total dumpster fire that no one wanted to see.

Like I said, Chris’ fandom isn’t exempt from falling victim to drama, but I’ve never seen certain blogs in particular, consistently responsible of 99% of said drama. Normally its just a group effort of anons going to blogs trying to start conversations about supposed girlfriends.

It was maybe mid-late 2017 into 2018, that a certain blog had (almost) all of shawnblr in a headlock. When I say that, I mean that whatever she was upset about, suddenly no one knew how to think for themselves and her opinion became theirs. Shawn did a photoshoot she didn’t like? People decided they didn’t like it either. His team made a bad decision? Suddenly everyone had a PR degree and knew what his team should’ve been doing instead.  Don’t even get me started on that shit. I’ve never seen so many high schoolers act like they had more experience in a field than actual professionals.

I could go on about her mean girls table and the people who got attacked for daring to disagree with her (such as myself lol). The fandom became such a toxic space bc she (and others in particular who had the same influence) couldn’t enjoy anything. As a result, no one else wanted to enjoy anything either. And when i say anything, i mean it. And it was sad to see, that people would log onto tumblr and let someone they don’t know dictate their state of mind on stuff that doesn’t affect our lives in the long run. Imagine stanning someone because they make you happy, then letting someone with zero relation to him make you unhappy or displeased. That shit was dangerous. I can’t ‘its tumblr its not that serious’ this situation, because it became *pretty* serious. Every two posts on my dash was either negativity about Shawn, or negativity about the fandom.

I’m not saying its wrong to agree. His team did fuck up sometimes and during that point in the fandom, he was ‘dating’ H*iley B*ldwin so we were already a little on edge. But, when the most mundane shit like his instagram captions became an issue for them, that’s when the problem became more glaringly obvious.

And, like I said, people got attacked for disagreeing. Like, sorry I know how to think for myself. Not my fault people feed your ego and set an expectation for you. And the influence couldn’t be solved by simply blocking someone or filtering tags. That shit was everywhere. My dash would’ve been near empty if i did.

The point I’m making with this, is that Chris’ fandom doesn’t seem to have a hierarchy, or at least one that’s so painfully obvious. Sure, there are popular blogs, but their opinions don’t influence others’ so severely. Everyone dictates how they feel and no one threatens that. Even if there are opinions we don’t agree with, it doesn’t become an all out war because there’s one statement set in place and we need to go along with it. We don’t like a role he’s played/going to play? That’s fine! He has so many other movies. We don’t like something he said/didn’t say on social media? That’s also fine, especially if it may affect us personally. 

I feel so much more comfortable logging into Chris’ corner of tumblr than I ever did Shawn’s. There was just a black cloud of negative energy surrounding shawnblr. Similar to it is right now, but like i said, the entire fandom is in agreement. And, no one made that decision for us.

Anyways, I’m thankful for Chris and the friends he has made me, and the fact that his fandom genuinely makes me happy sometimes, because we’re happy (with him, at least lol).

(also this is my blog and if i want to rant about something well in the past that left me depressed for over a year, i will thank u)

[pjihoon]

Hi~~ I'm really sorry to bother you! But I saw your gifs in my dash and they're so pretty! I don't even stan wanna one but I just went through your gif tag for so long cause they're so nice 😍 Would you ever share your sharpen / action / topaz or coloring settings or tips? 😊

ahh omg anon thank you so much for your kind words! you’re so sweet

i think i’ll just share generic tips! From each stage of the giffing process. i still have so much i can improve with in giffing, so i’m sorry if i give you super wrong advice ahhh but i hope this helps a little?it got super long so it’s under the read more!!

Downloading Videos

make sure it’s the highest quality video you can get. 1080p is your friend. ok honestly, when i’ve giffed, i havent really noticed a difference in quality between 2k/4k and 1080p? maybe im doing it wrong but honestly the only thing ive noticed is that 2k/4k just slows down my computer drastically and takes up way too much space on a computer that already has like zero space to begin with. so i tend to stick with 1080p. 

Also! if you can get 60fps, thats also nice bc it helps your gifs look smoother.

yaknow how i said 1080p is your friend? well ts files are your best friends/family. if you can torrent them or download the, your gifs will look super pretty. i highly recommend this for live performance gifs. you can find ts files for a lot of shows, but again, since my computer has

kpop24hrs and kpopexciting are two places i go for those live perf ts files! kpop24hrs tends to have more i feel (it’s where i go when i want to gif my rookie groups that dont have too much attention on them)

you can also find torrents on twitter, if you search the right things

Extracting Videos

ok for this, if you have a pc (so like not a mac) i HIGHLY recommend looking into avisynth. there’s this tumblr account named brandinator who i’ve heard gives really awesome tips for avisynth and made it really easy for people to get avisnyth.if youre like me and your stuck with a mac, or if you just want to stick with photoshop then you can read the rest of this

i have photoshop cs5? so my tips are generally based around that. 

for youtube videos (so basically mp4/avi format) i use photoshop’s video extraction feature. file—>import–>video frames to layersif your photoshop is like mine for whatever reason and it doesnt want to recognize mp4 files, then what i do is changed the .mp4 extension to a .avi extension (and its super easy to do on mac….i dont have a pc so idk how different that is) the quality doesnt really change either with that simple changing of the ending it sorta just tricks photoshop i guess lol idunno

when youre on the ‘video frames to layers’ window, make sure you don’t hit the ‘limit to every _____ frames’ bc that makes it lose the smoothness quality of gifs. maybe back when the gif limit was like 1mb that would have been important, but we live in a world of luxury now. so for smoother looking gifs, make sure that box is unchecked. other ppl (pc users i think) tend to use other video extraction softwares. i cant remember the name, but all i remember is that for macs, that software cant extract frames so its useless for us. i think it was kmplayer? not sure. like you can download kmplayer on mac but it doesnt have the same features rip.for ts files, i use vlc player (since ps can’t open it) and sit there and capture each and every frame lol. 

Actually Giffing

here’s where things get a bit interpretive

(im assuming you know how to make a gif since you’ve asked for specific things like sharpening and stuff)

for coloring, 

ive found that not changing the lighting too much of the video youre giffing leads to higher quality stuff…but i also hate not changing the lighting too much which is why a lot of my gifs turn out grainy hahah (my coloring is really centered around how to make the person in the gifs look the most ‘natural’? so that usually involves trying to take out video filters). but yea the gifs in which i didnt change too much with coloring, tended to be my most high quality gifs. 

i don’t use other peoples psds and make my own everytime for each gif, and i only usually just adjust ‘curves’ and ‘exposure’ yea.

if there’s an ugly color background that you want to make look more white, when youre in ‘curve’s, go to each color (red green and blue) and drag the little line thing in the top right corner a little to the left. idk what is actually happening there and why it only really addresses the bg but thats a good way to try to make your bg whiter without actually whitewashing the gif. 

for sharpening

lol sharpening, my enemy. its what i struggle with the most

i use .4 at 500% for smart sharpen

and then for topaz i make sure clean color is at 0 first of all, and i mess around with ‘overall strength’ and ‘reduce blur’ until i get the quality that i wanted. i nvr go higher than .07 strength. 

but an important thing for sharpening i think is deciding when you want to crop the picture? do you crop it before or after the sharpening/topaz? i dunno honestly, but for me ive found that cropping first, and then applying sharpening settings leads to the highest quality (or maybe thats what im used to so it turns out better). 

oh yea i dont resize, i crop instead. i’m not sure if that does anything but when i was first starting i found that resizing made my gifs look more blurry…? and that cropping was nicer to my gifs? i’m not sure if that does anything though lol maybe cropping is worse who knows, but its something ive stuck with ever since ive started

save settings

i’ve recently switched over to diffusion! but sometimes that doenst work out so i use the pattern one. i play around with adaptive/selective to see which one looks better or takes up less space haha

last but not least: pray

i spend a lot of my time praying that my gif will come out good haha bc even if you think you did everything right, once you hit that ‘save for web’ button, it’ll look like the ugliest thing in the world it’s really frustrating. like even when i make a gifset from the same video using the same everything (coloring, sharpening, save settings) one gif will look like trash and the other one will be like the best thing ive ever giffed so its like?? pray