#bc its like i love my wife :] i love my children :] i have found myself and i am at peace :]

[jarvis-cockhead]

studying neil like a bug for foreverland which, in a nutshell, is just:

napoleon kin

we are sailing and adventuring!

catherine the great fancam

my wife is strange and i love her

comradeship in war (but its actually about my wife and how much i love her)

my wife rescues horses and i love her

my wife went away for the weekend and i fucking miss her

i went to WAR to get over a GIRL

self care 😸

i am a fugitive in historical times. i had to disguise myself as a nun. i am on the RUN. i am in HIDING. theres a picture of me in the paper. i cant stop. i cant stop until i get back to my wife who i love

sometimes i am jealous about my wifes past lovers but this is so silly and does not matter

I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!!!!

[slytherinshua]

CHERRY BOWS

genre. fluff. cheol as a dad. warnings. toddler/parent stuff. cheol gets jelly. pairing. husband!scoups x wife!reader. wc. 1k. request. request by @blue-jisungs: you asked for soft hours n i shall give!! it’s been in my mind for a hot while actually but i’m too busy rn to do it myself… and you’re the perfect person bc U MADE ME THINK IF TJAT 🫵🫵 jealous dad seungcheol :( ofc he loves u n ur kid but give him some attention too smh >:T and requested by anon: i love your svt as dads!! they’re all so cute and i’d like to request one for cheol! a/n. i love love love dad cheol omg :( my second dad fic for him hehe <3 hes so girl dad coded and SOOOOO ADORABLE SKDJKS I LOVE HIM!!!!

“You ate without me…?” Cheol’s sleepy mumble was the first thing you heard from him. He had tiredly trudged downstairs when he had woken up and you weren’t next to him in the bed. It was already a bad start to the day when that happened, and he was frowning and pouting and generally sulking about it by the time he found you.

He wrapped his arms around you from the back, trapping you in the middle of the living room so you couldn’t continue without giving him the attention he needed. You smiled at his clinginess and deep raspy morning voice, but scoffed at how baby-like he was in the morning. Sometimes he acted even more like a child than your actual child. 

Eunha was your now 2 year old daughter. She was adored by everyone and constantly doted on. She could be a handful at times, but only because she had started to take after your bossiness and knew exactly how to appeal to Seungcheol. If she ever wanted something, all she had to do was look at them with those big boba eyes that she got from him, and he’d be folding.

He loved her more than anything. Probably even more than you, but you were okay with it. It warmed your heart how much he cared for his daughter. He’d die for her in a heartbeat without a second of hesitation. You were learning more and more every day the love a father could hold for his children. You had expected this attitude when you married him, of course. Because you knew him and you knew how caring he was. He was so filled with love for people and the world, and you were so lucky to have him.

Starting a family had always been a dream for both of you, and Eunha’s birth had been your biggest blessing. It was challenging to take care of a toddler, but you and Cheol always did your best.

Eunha was happily playing with her toy dolls after eating breakfast— the entire living room spread with her mess. It was always a constant of cleaning her toys in the evening just for her to make a new mess the next day, but you didn’t mind. It was worth it to see her so happy, and though it could be stressful to have a messy space sometimes, her happy giggles made up for it.

“Were you playing dolls with her without me as well?” Cheol asked, the pout he was wearing somehow finding its way into his tone. You giggled and he squeezed you tighter out of jealousy. He didn’t want to admit that he missed your attention being only on him, but it was true. 

You were getting up earlier to feed Eunha and play with her in the morning. The sleepy morning cuddles that Cheol looked forward to every time he fell asleep next to you were becoming rarer and rarer and he felt bitter about the change. It just wasn’t the same with Eunha. It wasn’t worse, it was definitely better in most aspects, but the free time that he had enjoyed before was being sucked away by the little child.

“She wanted me to be the doctor.” You told him, explaining the dynamics of Eunha’s favourite game. She would be the mother to her little baby doll, and either Cheol or you would usually be the doctor.

“The bed was so cold without you…” He murmured, pushing his cheek against your neck. His skin was warm against yours and you leaned into him more, savouring the feeling.

“I’m sorry. You know that Eunha likes to get up early…” You whispered.

“She should’ve woken me up instead of you. Aren’t you tired?” 

“A bit. Eating breakfast with her was nice, though. She insisted on having strawberries with her yogurt since she had seen me eat it like that once.” You smiled. Seungcheol pouted.

“I thought I was her favourite…” He was mostly joking, of course, but slightly hurt. He had always been susceptible to jealousy. Maybe he was a little too greedy— he loved watching you and Eunha spend time together, but he also hated being left out.

Your little moment of warm embrace was interrupted after 2 minutes, a giggly Eunha running up and clinging to her father’s leg. She babbled something about her doll and wanting to get ice cream later today, which you were sure Seungcheol would indulge her in. He spoiled her too much.

You were happy to see your husband’s pout lift up into the sweetest of grins. He picked up Eunha, holding her so that she was resting on his hip. He kept one arm around you; almost if you would run away and leave him if he didn’t. Which was probably partially true since you hadn’t cleaned up from breakfast yet.

“Give daddy a kiss?” Cheol asked Eunha, giggles ensuing amongst both of them. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek cutely and you smiled. Now that Seungcheol was awake as well, the two would be inseparable for the rest of the day— especially since Cheol didn’t have any work to get to.

The morning happily proceeded with a small second breakfast and playtime. Now that your husband was being included in every activity, he was all smiles and giggles. He liked being the centre of attention; you had discovered that fact throughout the years. He was the happiest man in the world when he knew he was making his daughter happy.

Her happiness always came first, even when it relied on Seungcheol’s hair being tied up in pigtails with little cherry-coloured bows because Eunha wanted to play hairdresser. You were almost envious of how cute he looked in them. It was impossible not to love everything that Cheol did.

Along with the bows came matching sweaters with a cherry pattern for father and daughter. One look at the two and you could easily declare them the two cutest human beings in the entire world.

↳ svt taglist: @kangtaehyunzzz,, @yeonjuns-redhair,, @ddeonudepressions,, @hannahsophie0103,, @skz-minchan-enthusiast,, @shuabby1994,, @icyminghao,, @98-0603,, @weird-bookworm,, @edensgardenn,, @wonwooz1,, @cyberpunksunwoo,, @cienlvrs,, @amara-mars

[thewickerking]

hey. what?

well. For context everyone im assuming this ask is referring to this post and my tags below

im assuming because of the. The.

Many. Prev tags on it lmao but anyways here's more context. ill try to keep specific elements vague cause i don't want to doxx my grandma and by extension myself. But yeah let's go

my grandma (maternal) ran away from home in her teens (not sure the exact year/age but 70s ish) to join the circus and worked there for an amount of time doing ticket sales and miscellaneous jobs that aren't performance based

she met a guy also working there and they dated. this guy joined a satanic cult after joining the circus (? I think. Mightve been the other way around) and performed ritualistic sacrifice within the cult/with his murder victims. he was not in charge of the cult but was an active member and serial killer across around 4 states, maybe more (evidence was found for about 4 states iirc)

anyways he got caught for evidence of multiple murders but confessed to upwards of 20 (they couldn't find evidence of this so its unclear if he was exaggerating or if there simply wasn't enough irrefutable evidence) and went to prison while my grandma was pregnant and she was also arrested as an accomplice and had her kid in prison. She was 18 at the time. Idk how long she spent in prison but it was long enough to have her son taken away

her son (first of her four children, was my oldest uncle on my moms side) has adopted parents who changed his first and last name and didn't let him know about his biological parents (and were also extremely abusive) and so my mother and her siblings and her mom did unsuccessful research to find him over the years and he found our family a few years before he turned 30 (my moms ten years younger than him btw) and we've been in contact since and he was my personal favorite of my moms siblings

Oh also the serial killer got sentenced to life without parole and is currently on death row. My uncle died last year from unrelated circumstance (I posted about it some last year if anyone remembers) and my mom adopted 2 of 3 of his kids (3rd was a legal adult already) and then they got kidnapped and their kidnappers won the custody battle against my mom so. Yeah

Oh also worth noting my mom is the youngest of the four. my grandma had four kids with different men so im not related to the serial killer but he is in my family tree? Anyways yeah different fathers. My grandma remembers the serial killer and my moms father (my abuelito ♡ love him) but doesn't remember the fathers of the middle children (my aunt and uncle). So they're my moms half siblings technically and nobody knows if the middle children have other half siblings on their dads' sides 🤷‍♂️ but my mom has a half sister on her dad's side! She's 2 years younger than me bc my abuelito got married to his ex wife later in life but they're not together anymore (?) Not sure. They broke up idk if they legally divorced but they live in different countries and don't talk to each other. So.

Id love to meet her someday! But I don't know if thats feasible. She lives in Mexico and only speaks spanish so it would certainly be difficult. But I want to.... she almost immigrated to the United States like. 6 years ago?? My mom paid for documents to be legally translated and stuff but stuff happened and it didn't go through.she also tried to kill her mom once. But she's doing better. That's all a long story. We have a picture of her in our house from when she was little!

Ok thats very tangent-y. I have a lot of family stories. But also if anyone was curious this post below was also about my maternal grandmother

shes a white woman who likes to weaponise having "friends" in nepal when people are mean to her. She's a character. if ppl are curious abt any of this i will answer btw i love talking abt my family they're deranged

[arcplaysgames]

yeah because Mitsuo is not the killer, I know this, you know this, we all know this

if finding a fake killer gets me tuna tho i'm in, i'll frame a man every day, i don't care

WAIT WAIT THE STORYBOOK FROM THE SUN LINK IN P3P GOT PUBLISHED? Man its a dark children's book. Beautiful but nihilistic. You know the kids who read that are going to have a lot of difficult questions their parents do not wanna answer. Good, though.

Summer Festival! Nanako is adorable. AND GET THIS. BRACE YOURSELVES. MAKE SURE YOU ARE SITTING DOWN AND HOLDING ONTO SOMETHING.

DOJIMA ACTUALLY SHOWS UP TO TAKE CARE OF HIS DAUGHTER. I KNOW. I KNOOOOOOW. Shocking. Usually this girl is being raised by six teenagers and the human personification of a mascot character.

A STUNNING turn of events!

Teddie is such a manipulator lmao. First he suggests everyone pair off to enjoy the festival bc That's What You Do At Festivals, then gets the boys deliberating who should go with who, then while everyone is all turned around, he swoops in to take all the girls out around the festival so no one is 'left out.'

lmao. i love Teddie. I'm actually trying to pin down why Yosuke's horny boy bullshit annoys me but Teddie does not. It may be because he's SO flagrant about it, he's SO over the top, you know going in its a Yes, And scenario. Or, you can slap him, lmao.

After, Rise invited me out to a one on one date to the festival. She's very funny and boisterous but I think I'm friendzoning everyone in this playthru. I haven't found anyone I wanna date. And I know there is one more option coming so I don't want to accidentally pen myself in, like with Akihiko and late-comer Aigis. Poor Aigis.....

Not about to let anyone begin to assume he's a good dad, over in the Hierophant SLink, Dojima reveals that his wife died in a hit and run while Nanako was in nursery school. Which explains why Nanako barely remembers her.

Dojima's whole deal is that he's still working that case, still trying to find out who killed his wife. He claims its for Nanako, that someday in the future, she'll appreciate it.

And listen. The trauma of your spouse being murdered is not a joke. That's really heavy stuff. Your life falls apart as a pillar is just suddenly taken out, and surviving the loss of that kind of load-bearing structure is very fucking hard. I got zero judgement there.

However. Nanako doesn't give a shit. Her mother is a distant figure that doesn't affect her life anymore but via her absence. There is zero doubt in my mind that Nanako would remember Dojima more fondly as a man who stepped up to be her fucking father rather than having the closure for, sorry, a woman she has likely already forgotten the face of.

So again: get your shit together, Dojima.

SUMMER BEACH EPISODE. lmao poor kanji on his bike. also, Teddy is in bear mode. WHY is Teddie in bear mode? That seems much harder to travel with.

I'm not even gonna squint at Yosuke. Yosuke, someday, you will look back on your youth and feel so goddamn embarrassed at yourself. You are the very model of a modern repressed bisexual.

LMAO irl cackling. his response is so blaise. "why would i????" hahaha

lmao i missed it but chie and kanji were racing at like mach speed.

Of course because we need shenanigans, Teddie has been pulling at swimsuits to no avail. Well, almost no avail.

Hey, what is with the lightning bruiser boys and their tiny swimsuits, lmao. We are creating such a Specific trope here with them, it's bemusing. The venn diagram is something all right.

(Wait i JUST fucking noticed that Kanji has a fucking scar in the exact same place Akihiko does. What the fuck. That is a WILD coincidence.)

FUCKING YOSUKE AND REVERIE'S AVERTED GAZES LMAO. gdi teddie.

the voice acting here is a fucking treat, i cannot tell you enough.

everyone's doing amazing, sweetie

compared to the spring camping trip, this is a ten out of ten

[just-some-random-blogger]

meow meow, angel!! 'isn’t that what happened to GoT?' i haven't seen it too but have an impression that the whole internet was furious with it's ending. i do remember how i was still a kid and a friend recommended this show (which has been just out) to my mom. for some reason she thought it was i good idea to watch it with me lol? so after about 10 or so minutes there was a sex scene and my mom was like '... no i don't like it let's turn it off' HFHDJD what? when? why? only wrong answers..... i'd love to watch it in the future though bc like... yeah 'its hard to sustain good plotlines' dk i just have this feeling like they wanted to show too much and, although it's obvious what they meant and the storyline is clear, in the end showed too little. more like incomplete. and i didn't mean like i'm a bitch for it? more like overcritical with no reason. 'i dont think its you being bitchy' but thank you) not like i'm worriedly bothered but i indeed could miss or misunderstand smth. i can be rather inattentive and i also was in a hurry. also!! it's reallyreally meaningless but i perfectly understood like 80% of their talking and tbh? i'm proud of myself. it's pretty nice for the first english series i've watched in the original. 'you mean the illigitimate thing' not really. but still yes TT i don't want to seem cruel or inhuman but i'm really concerned and conflicted about this thing. rhaenyra's children are cuties and harwin is pretty, i understand her choice but... it's a complicated topic for me. my bestie ignored me when i wanted to talk about it so i wanna scream TT but it's more about the desire to save the past and the historical greatness. bc the history of the whole europe (esp continental)... (sorry, i can't speak for asian countries bc here we mostly study european history and i don't want to say smth wrong) so 'literally the story of humanity' hurts. as in hotd, as in the reality, our nearly 1 (one) goal is to save what we have and try to make it better. not spoil TT esp hotd. the royal family? it's like your goal #2 to protect and continue the glory of your kin why are you so stupid guys... my strong sense of duty is disappointed. 'best example i have is hitler' yes absolutely agree. also it's obvious but about this photo. he didn't want to kill all people. yes he was a murderer. but he still had criterias for this shit. like daemon did.. ok i feel sorry about it. sorry. all people have their own truth. even if it's wrong. REALLY fucking wrong. 'i felt the helplessness of him' no but how excited he became after the crowd had started applauding?? 'you can always you know' not to be a bad person but these rare af times i want to watch smth i usually win wink. but i haven't found hotd TT THEY STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED ME *angry emoji pls* i appreciate all these cat media sm TT thanks my love 'she keeps my braincells alive' TRUE!! i also unintentionally had a sympathy for corlys bc 1) he's with rhaenys and this couple!!! love them, 2) the actor was speaking so clearly TT 'come on she’s an ancient dragon' i had a feeling she had hearing problems sorry TT 'GIRL UR ALL MY ANONS AT THIS POINT' NO OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW!!?!??!! 'IM BAD AT MATH' hmmm 'im kinda good at math' HMMMM 30 is... a lot... good luck sis TT not to be overbearing but i was thinking abt modern au and just... no but daemon and reader calling each other 'wife' and 'husband' in high valyrian as pet names bc they ARE a wife and a husband but only in valyrian way TT daemon being eager to go out together "to show off my dear treasure" and reader looking at him like 'wtf?' "husband, you know there's going be a huge scandal if we do?" "i've done it with a thousands of chicks before why can't i do it with my wife??" "we're still not married" "then just marry??" i also imagine reader leaving some small hints for daemon on their past?? he does some shit and reader's like "oh last time you did it viserys was furious" thanks for reading this much!! good morning ig! love you!! take care<з

MEOW

you know what it is (also this ai augmented ? yes i think lol)

meow meow, angel!! 'isn’t that what happened to GoT?' i haven't seen it too but have an impression that the whole internet was furious with it's ending. i do remember how i was still a kid and a friend recommended this show (which has been just out) to my mom. for some reason she thought it was i good idea to watch it with me lol? so after about 10 or so minutes there was a sex scene and my mom was like '... no i don't like it let's turn it off' HFHDJD what? when? why? only wrong answers..... i'd love to watch it in the future though bc like... yeah

LOL i think its mostly about destroying daeneyrs as a character, like they suddenly just made her mad for no reason apparently lol. i also remember my parents watching it but then a sex scene would come up and then 😐😶 yeah theyd be ok 'aite enough of that' idk if i'd ever watch it but like yeah i hope you like it when you come around to watching it <3

'its hard to sustain good plotlines' dk i just have this feeling like they wanted to show too much and, although it's obvious what they meant and the storyline is clear, in the end showed too little. more like incomplete.

capitalism. i think they overstretched it/watered it down for idk what lol i cant really speak about it cos i didnt watch it lolol ??? isn't the author still not done with his book ???

and i didn't mean like i'm a bitch for it? more like overcritical with no reason. 'i dont think its you being bitchy' but thank you) not like i'm worriedly bothered but i indeed could miss or misunderstand smth. i can be rather inattentive and i also was in a hurry.

i see lol

also!! it's reallyreally meaningless but i perfectly understood like 80% of their talking and tbh? i'm proud of myself. it's pretty nice for the first english series i've watched in the original.

that's great !! similarly you know i tried watching doctor who with my mom but the audio was too soft and there was a scene were he was getting emotional and started whispering and i couldn't watch it on my mom's pc from my bed so i just didnt watch it

'you mean the illigitimate thing' not really. but still yes TT i don't want to seem cruel or inhuman but i'm really concerned and conflicted about this thing. rhaenyra's children are cuties and harwin is pretty, i understand her choice but... it's a complicated topic for me.

so true. which is why i totally get why alicent is pissed off about it/with rhaenyra cos she had to carry the king's babies and rhaenyra got away with her boy toy, but then this would divulge into a whole other thing and lahsfas imma zip about it lol

my bestie ignored me when i wanted to talk about it so i wanna scream TT

oof. [pats head] maybe your bestie wasnt in the mood for it hahah

but it's more about the desire to save the past and the historical greatness. bc the history of the whole europe (esp continental)... (sorry, i can't speak for asian countries bc here we mostly study european history and i don't want to say smth wrong) so 'literally the story of humanity' hurts.

its ok im not really a history buff. but yeah humanity sucks for that boo tomato tomato

as in hotd, as in the reality, our nearly 1 (one) goal is to save what we have and try to make it better. not spoil TT esp hotd. the royal family? it's like your goal #2 to protect and continue the glory of your kin why are you so stupid guys... my strong sense of duty is disappointed.

HAHHAHHAHAHHAH

'best example i have is hitler' yes absolutely agree. also it's obvious but about this photo. he didn't want to kill all people. yes he was a murderer. but he still had criterias for this shit. like daemon did..

HAHHAHAAHAHAHHAH daemon i think had less criteria more motive as in 'idc who you are but if you stand in my way i will kill you'

ok i feel sorry about it. sorry. all people have their own truth. even if it's wrong. REALLY fucking wrong.

real

'i felt the helplessness of him' no but how excited he became after the crowd had started applauding??

T_T are you faulting him for that ? for receiving adoration ? that he was always wanted ? HHAHH to be fair there is a power to cheers so id have felt the same way if people started cheering for me even if they had no reason to lol

'you can always you know' not to be a bad person but these rare af times i want to watch smth i usually win wink. but i haven't found hotd TT THEY STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED ME *angry emoji pls*

😡😡😡👿👿👿🤬🤬🤬👹👹👹👺👺👺 here you go HAHAHA

i appreciate all these cat media sm TT thanks my love

'she keeps my braincells alive' TRUE!! i also unintentionally had a sympathy for corlys bc 1) he's with rhaenys and this couple!!! love them, 2) the actor was speaking so clearly TT

HAHAHHAH SLAY WE LOVE GOOD SPEAKERS and so true i love that couple so much. #powercouple

'come on she’s an ancient dragon' i had a feeling she had hearing problems sorry TT

SHE PROBABLY DOES T_T but also i feel like she dgaf cos she like 100000 HAHAH

'GIRL UR ALL MY ANONS AT THIS POINT' NO OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW!!?!??!!

👿 cos im smart no but youre clearly not all of them but im shocked you send me a lot of asks LOL

'IM BAD AT MATH' hmmm 'im kinda good at math'

HAHAHAH I KNEW YOUD SAY THAT HAHAHAH i meant im good at math (cos i am) but as a bad person at math ?? if that makes sense HAHAHH like im good at it if u teach me but also not ASL:FASFHAS HAHAHHAH

HMMMM 30 is... a lot... good luck sis TT

praying for myslef

not to be overbearing but i was thinking abt modern au and just... no but daemon and reader calling each other 'wife' and 'husband' in high valyrian as pet names bc they ARE a wife and a husband but only in valyrian way TT

NOT OVERBEARING AT ALL I KEEP GETTING IDEAD FOR MY MODERN AU T_T i might start writing p3 now lol

ALSO ALSO ALSO i have starrted writing the witch prompt you talked to me about i think i called it 'the copper woods' or something i got super excited about it so pls pls read it T_T

daemon being eager to go out together "to show off my dear treasure"

and reader looking at him like 'wtf?' "husband, you know there's going be a huge scandal if we do?" "i've done it with a thousands of chicks before why can't i do it with my wife??"

FIRST OF ALL A THOUSAND CHICKS T_T no but ur so right

"we're still not married" "then just marry??"

dude cant understand english "SCANDAL DAEMON S-C-A-N-D-A-L" [throws a slipper to his face]

i also imagine reader leaving some small hints for daemon on their past?? he does some shit and reader's like "oh last time you did it viserys was furious"

YOU LIKE ME FR IVE BEEN THINKING OF WAYS TO ADD THINGS LIKE THIS AND STUFF HAHHHAH I WANT TO MAKE IT ANGSTY SO BAD HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

thanks for reading this much!! good morning ig! love you!! take care<з

i love you <3 i went to school today and was so happy to read this when i got back. i mean i saw it before leaving and i was excited to be able to reply to it when i got back

xxx

[cultofbeatles]

parts of pattie boyd’s book wonderful tonight that involved george that stuck out to me:

pattie didn't have any of the beatles records at first and only bought please please me since she was going to be in their film 

“on first impressions, john seemed more cynical and brash than the others, ringo the most endearing, paul was cute, and george, with velvet brown eyes and dark chestnut hair, was the best looking man i’d ever seen.”

during a lunch break pattie and george sat next to each other and were both very shy 

george asked pattie “will you marry me?” and after she laughed he said, “well, if you won't marry me, will you have dinner with me tonight?” and she turned him down.

she deadass invited george to hang out with her and her boyfriend at the time.

pattie and george are both pisces.

once reshoots for the film were happening george asked pattie about her boyfriend, she said she had dumped him, and george once again asked her for dinner. she accepted this time.

brian epstein joined them for their first date.

they sat side by side and were too scared to even hold the others hand.

george got along great with pattie’s family.

pattie liked cynthia lennon but found her difficult to make friends with. 

“she wasn't like my friends, who enjoyed a giggle and some fun: she was rather serious, and often, i thought, behaved more like john’s mother than wife.”

there was a rumor that john and pattie were having an affair and pattie worried cynthia believed it. it wasn't true.

maureen cox (ringo’s girlfriend) was another beatles girl that pattie had a hard time being friends with. but said that she was “jolly and friendly, more relaxed than cynthia.”

pattie got along best with jane asher but saw her the least.

“i felt there was definitely a north-south divide among the wives and girlfriends. and i had the definite impressions that the girls from the north (maureen and cynthia) felt they has a prior clam to the boys.” okay shade, we see you. 

(talking about going on holiday with john, cynthia, and george) “it was a good way to split the group. john and paul were the closest in some ways and immensely creative together, but they clashed if they were in each other’s pockets for too long.”

george asked pattie to cut his hair while on holiday and one of the cleaners found his hair and kept it. 

(talking about george) “he was so beautiful and so funny.”

once a “weird looking man” tried to force his way into pattie and george’s house. pattie thought he was either a salesman or a jehovahs witness. it turns out it was paul in disguise. 

george said the only place he got peace was in the bathroom of his hotel suite.

pattie got a lot of letters saying that if she didn't leave george there would be a curse put on her.

 pattie’s cleaner was a male ballet dancer and “a terrific duster.”

pattie would count the days till george came back. once he jumped into the bed early in the morning to wake her up. 

those two would deadass not lock their doors and were surprised that clothes were going missing...what is with older generations and not locking their doors i -

george would be in the studio from 11 am - 11 pm. sometimes midnight. 

george’s mom loved when john would visit and would always ask him for an “upper.”

when john lennon is your drug dealer.

pattie wasn't a good cook but was optimistic.

“i loved listening to him (play guitar), loved the sound of the guitar in the house. sometimes i would start to talk and he'd be so deep in thought about the lyrics or the melody he was writing that he wouldn't answer. we’d be the same room but he wasn't really with me: he was in his head.”

pattie developed a kidney disorder.

(talking about the beatles dynamic) “in many aspects they were still children. they had few real friends apart from each other, and when they were asked questions they could answer as one - they were so much on each other’s wavelength. if one went to a gallery opening, they all went; if one bought a new car or new house, they all did. if one seemed in danger of taking himself too seriously, the others knocked it out of him.”

one evening george stopped the car and said, “let’s get married. i'll speak to brian.” they went to brian’s house, george went inside, and when he came back in the car he said, “brian says it’s okay. will you marry me? we can get married in january.”

briannnnnnn, is it my turn to get married yet pleaseeeee

pattie invited her absent father to their wedding but he did not come.

at the train station everyone left cynthia behind as she was carrying the suitcases and john was carrying nothing. peter brown had to go back and get her. 

pattie’s quote from the lsd in the coffee moment is hilarious to me. “you've just had lsd. it was in the coffee.” john lennon: “how dare you fucking do this to us?”

pattie and george didn't go to brian’s funeral in liverpool but george sent one single sunflower.

pattie stopped modeling because george didnt like it. and she felt like she lost a part of herself.

maureen was afraid of flies.

during the India trip, mia farrow told john that maharishi was inappropriate with her and john wanted everyone leave after that.

after India george and pattie’s relationship changed.

(talking about george) “some days he would be all right, but on others he seemed withdrawn and depressed. this was new: he had never been depressed before, but there was nothing i could do. it wasn't about me, but i found that my moods started to mirror his...so bad indeed, that at times i felt almost suicidal. i don't think i was ever in any real danger of killing myself, but i got as far as working out how i would do it: i would put on a diaphanous ossie clark dress and jump off beachy head.”

george became more obvious about his cheating. it hurt pattie.

george was gaslighting her.

cilla black was staying at george and pattie’s house and was uncomfortably close to george so pattie left. six days latter george called to tell her the girl was gone and she could come home.

“..but my ego was too fragile and i couldn't see it as anything other than betrayal. i felt unloved and miserable.”

“jane asher came home unexpectedly from new york and found another woman in the house, an american girl - and did what i should probably have done with george...”

george would start to talk about his feelings about paul or john but would stop bc he never wanted to admit that he felt left out. 

“we had once been so close, so honest and open with each other. now a distance had developed between us..”

(about yoko contributing to the beatles break up) “the four had never allowed anyone into the recording studios with them, but yoko not only sat by john throughout every session, he consulted her about the music they were making, which upset paul.”

during the let it be sessions there was a time with george and paul got in a fist fight and george left.

the same day john told George he was leaving the beatles, george’s mom told him she was ill and in critical condition.

i love that she vibe checked george. “he was bringing home bad vibes.”

george continued cheating and they continued arguing.

“my diary is full of entries about my unhappiness and the disintegration of our relationship.”

john came to visit george and pattie’s new mansion and said that it was so dark he didn't know how they could live in it, and george recommended that he took of his sunglasses.

eric clapton being a piece of shit and saying “if you won't be with me pattie i will become addicted to heroin.”

pattie said the only thing she had left was cooking and george took that away.

the couple was suppose to go on holiday together but george cancelled last minute bc he didn't want to go with her. he ended up going to spain.

“when i challenged him, he denied it and tried once again to make me feel as though i was paranoid.”

i'm not even...the whole fucking story of the george and maureen affair PISSES ME OFF more than i can describe. maybe i’ll make a whole other post but omfg i'm fuming. fuck them bothhhh. they deserve no rights.

george harrison, mere days before their wedding anniversary: “let’s get a divorce this year.” what an amazing new years resolution jerk.

ringo offered pattie a job.

when george told ringo about the affair pattie was so mad she dyed her hair red. 

george loved pattie’s little brother and was his role model but he wouldn't come to the man’s wedding even though he was invited.

the night pattie told george she was leaving him george came to bed in sadness and said, “don't go.”

“i'm going.”

george invited pattie to dhani’s eighteenth birthday party bc she “had to be there. she was family.”

george had become more of an older brother to her now.

pattie had learned about john’s death from eric clapton and immediately went to the beatles office in london to hang out with everyone there.

(after finding out about george’s death) “i couldn't bare the thought of a world without george. when i left him for eric, he had said that if things didn't work out, ever, i could always come to him and he would look after me. it was such a selfless, loving, generous thing to say and it had always been tucked away at the back of my mind. now that sense of security had gone.”

the last time they saw each other was when george called saying he wanted to visit her new cottage and see her.

pattie didn't go to his funeral nor did she go to the memorial concert that took place a year later. but she spent that day high on the mountains thinking of george. “i was happy to mourn him alone and in my own way.”

she would have dreams of george after his death. “oh george, it’s so wonderful that you are alive after all, this is so fabulous; i knew they had all made a mistake.”

and then she’d wake up.

[oftheredmoon]

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.

[yessoupy]

the @imetyouonljpodcast episode this week gave me lots of thoughts and feelings about star wars. more like, reminded me of all my thoughts and feelings around my first fandom. thus, I decided to write my own journey into and throughout star wars fandom, and what it means to me. buckle up, this story spans decades.

my very first memory of anything star wars-related is a yoda puppet that my grandmother had. it had to be from the original run of the movies, because I was maybe 4 in my first memory of it, and i was born in '86. my sisters and I loved it, and one of our cousins was deathly scared of it so we'd chase him around the house with it.

my second memory of star wars was going to the movie store with my dad and sisters and seeing our favorite yoda on the cover of a VHS. "yoda yoda yoda! daddy, it's yoda!!! can we get it?" we were holding up the display cover for return of the jedi. dad said no, we couldn't get that one yet because we had to watch them in order. so we rented a new hope and all I remember was falling asleep while artoo and threepio were trundling across the tatooine desert sands. at five I guess I was too young.

in early 1997 the special editions of the original trilogy were aired in theaters and I was in 4th grade. dad took us to see one of them (I think empire, at some point we'd finally finished a new hope). at school that grading period I sat next to a boy named mark and he noticed I was drawing little x-wing silhouettes on my paper. "you like star wars too?" he asked. when I said yes, he declared that because of my name, he was going to call me skywalker. that's the name on the back of my high school letter jacket.

in fall of 1998 I started the 6th grade and I came home from school one day to a hardbound book my mom had checked out for me from the library. heir to the empire by timothy zahn. mom pointed out where it said on the cover it was a trilogy, and I could get the other books when I finished this one. she hadn't found the young jedi knights series for me. she'd checked out a GROWN-UP star wars book.

in spring of 1999 the phantom menace came out and my parents' friend took me to see it on opening day because neither of them were free and I HAD to go that day. later on that year she took me to a star wars exhibit at the museum of fine arts. that was also the first time I saw a monet and a renoir. the exhibit had costumes (real costumes!!!) from the original trilogy and the newest prequel. I bought a book about the myth of star wars in the museum gift shop.

I read every expanded universe book our local library had, which was a lot. I had a lot to catch up on, too, since heir to the empire had been published in 1992. you never saw me at school without a star wars book. I read while walking in the hallways, even. in 6th grade I read during lunch, since I was in varsity orchestra with 7th and 8th graders and was terribly shy. they'd tell me I should socialize at lunch, not read my books, but... I wanted to read. I had a lot to learn. I have a lot to know.

I was in 7th grade when I read vector prime, the first in the new series. my first class of the day was science, and the boy I had a crush on was in that class. we had DEAR time at the beginning of that class - drop everything and read. not a hardship for me. that day, I read the part of the book where chewbacca was killed. I looked up, astonished. heartbroken. I locked eyes with the boy I liked. he nodded at the book and I showed him the cover. he nodded sympathetically. "they killed chewie," I whispered. he said "I know."

I wrote original characters in star wars fan fiction when I was about 13. I had an internet friend named rachel who lived in brisbane. then there was dave and 'roswell' who gave me ideas for my story. I loved being able to talk about the wide world of star wars with other people. we used aol instant messenger and email. my username in those days had 'skywalker' in it. I am pretty sure we met in an aol chatroom. I didn't find much of use on the official star wars site and I have probably visited it fewer than 10 times since 1999.

I read those books all through middle and high school. they were my christmas presents and my birthday presents. I moved into our family beach house after college. it sounds really nice but I didn't have running water because it was the summer after Ike hit. I would go to the used book store on 23rd street and buy a stack of star wars books and read them while I waiting for calls to interview for a teaching position. weekends I'd go into town to stay at a friend's house and help her with wedding stuff. I'd shower there, too. that's where my new stash of star wars books started, with me catching up on the legacy of the force series I hadn't read in college and then finishing up through the fate of the jedi as those came out. I felt that I had grown up with these characters. I remembered when kyp was just an orphan han rescued, when jacen and jaina were five years old, when corran horn had no wife, no kids, and was just finding out who his family was. I had capital o opinions about what color lightsaber i would have and why (silver; bc corran), I knew the geography of the galaxy and where everyone was from and my favorite planet was dathomir because women ruled it. I knew all of these characters' histories and motivations and the difficult decisions they'd made and had to live with. I loved them.

i never ventured into the online fandom space for star wars, even after I'd found other online fandom spaces, because I didn't feel like there was anything anyone could add to it for me. I was satisfied with all I'd gotten. sure, favorite characters had been killed (after chewie, the one who stung most was Mara, luke's wife), but people die. and in such a long-running series spanning so many years and trillions of miles of space... you come to expect it.

people would ask me ALL THE TIME when the sequels were coming out and I said never. then, disney bought star wars. initially I was excited (tears of joy happy) to have sequels confirmed. my mind raced, imagining a trilogy centered on the events surrounding jacen's descent to the dark side. the original actors would be the right age for that. who could play jacen?

then, the announcement came that the canon was now 'legends' and they wouldn't be taking any of it into account when writing the sequels BUT that didn't mean we wouldn't see old canon favorites. they announced adam driver as the villain and I thought "jacen." I held onto the idea that this knowledge I had, these years of knowing these stories, would still be worth something. that I'd be able to add new information to my mental bookshelves and maps. that my universe would expand further.

the force awakens was a bitter disappointment. I was upset from the crawl, leia's title making it clear to me that she wasn't chief of state, she wasn't the mother to three children, han wasn't her husband, and all of her history I'd grown to love really was gone. what I saw was the older version of a woman I'd met when she was 18 and hadn't seen her since her early twenties. I didn't know her.

I didn't know the galaxy, either. starting with the new jedi order series, a map of the galaxy was included in the front of each book with the planets named so you knew where everything was happening. the new galaxy was bare. it was small and knowable. while the hosnian prime system was destroyed in the movie, I'd never known it, and all the planets I DID know were similarly blasted out of memory. where was dathomir and its fierce warrior witches? if their planets were gone so were their people.

as the movie trudged on, a retelling of a new hope, I kept thinking, "at least let his name be jacen." I hung my hopes on this sith character being han and leia's son and sharing that name of the boy I'd known and the man who'd grown up to turn to the dark side. at that first shout of 'BEN!' I was angry. Ben?? that was the name of LUKE'S son! that was MARA'S child! Ben??? with three letters jacen solo and ben skywalker were also dead to the galaxy.

I know, I know. I should get over it. I AM thankful for poe dameron. the x-wing books were always my favorite. poe was familiar to me the way other new characters weren't. he was part of the new republic navy. I knew what that was. he flew an x-wing. I knew what that was.l and what company manufactured them. he was from yavin IV, I knew where that was and what it looked like. finn was a stormtrooper, yes, but the empire had not stolen children to be raised as stormtroopers. they were recruited like any other position. his story wasn't real to me, it wasn't something I could easily accept. and the idea that the new republic just LET the first order rise? leia's new republic would NEVER. but leia wasn't chief of state in this universe. leia hadn't had that power.

I read a lot of articles about the force awakens and the reactions to it, and never saw myself in any of them. the star wars fanboys whom I'd never known were painted as being angry because their fan knowledge was useless and "boo-hoo poor widdle fanboys" they would be mocked, rightfully. but that's why I was angry, ultimately. everyone I knew and loved was dead. worse, they'd never existed. "what do you think will happen?" some unsuspecting coworker would ask. I'd shrug, but inside I was yelling "who the fuck knows! my favorite characters don't exist anymore. nothing I know as this person you know as SKYWALKER means anything anymore."

it only got worse from there. One day I spent four hours figuring out how far the casino planet was from the drifting ships in the last jedi and doing math to figure out how long it would REALLY take to get there, using old canon star wars physics. I couldn't suspend my disbelief during that movie. everything was wrong. (the other space physics quibble I had was from TFA when poe is using comms while in hyperspace, and dropping out on a command and not... when nav told him to?? you'd fly right through a star!! were they HOVERING in hyperspace? none of it made sense.) I knew too much and too little to enjoy it.

TROS was a narrative mess already retconning new canon and I decided that I would only keep what I liked about the new canon (poe and his family) and pretend the old canon is all there is. one day I'll write the story of poe being part of the storied rogue squadron being sent by leia's new republic to put down the fascist upstarts at the edge of the unknown regions. one day.

one more quick story -- i met my college friend’s three kids for the first time when the oldest was 6. i’d sent a toy lightsaber as a gift when he was born, because i believe every child should get their first lightsaber from a skywalker, and his father had shown him the movies when he turned 4. when i walked into the house i said hello and he said, “i have some questions about star wars.”

we sat on the couch with the tfa visual dictionary, a book he’d gotten out of the library. every question he had was an excellent question, and i couldn’t answer any of them. “why does his lightsaber look like that? and why does he have the extra blades?” 

“well, kiddo, let’s see what it says here about how lightsabers are made. i used to know all about it, but they changed everything on me.”

---

what i love about star wars since disney bought it:

poe dameron, cassian andor (and all of rogue one, i got over the fact that the movie wouldn’t be about rogue squadron it was PERFECT), solo (a fucking DELIGHT), the mandalorian, and i’m sure the cassian andor live action will be amazing and i’ll love it. 

[blookmallow]

I FINALLY GOT SKYRIM MARRIED

i have a BEAUTIFUL WIFE

...who i went through a lot of shit for. this is. a lot of exposition, bear with me :’) im very invested in my character’s personal story here

so astrid had a very important special job for me and sent me to markarth to speak with the client directly

it turned out to be the apothecary’s assistant, who i was passingly familiar with already, so i imagine it was a bit of a surprise to both of us, but she got right to the point - a man broke her heart and ruined her life, used her to hurt the people close to her, abandoned her to go become a bandit, now she wants him dead

u can probably imagine where this is going,

this is the first time ive had a dark brotherhood job i was legitimately PSYCHED to carry out, you BET ill go fuck this guy up for you id do this for free

however, she also had... another request, one that wasn’t required, but something she really, really wanted

see she was very close with/practically another daughter to the shatter-shields in windhelm, the wealthy family who recently lost a daughter to the windhelm butcher

alain had manipulated her and used her to get to the shatter-shields, i dont remember if he stole from them or what happened there, but whatever it was, the shatter-shields blamed muiri for this and disowned her, throwing her out onto the streets with nothing

so she was used and had her heart broken by a man she loved, then was told it was Her Fault, and lost her home and her friends/the closest thing to family she had all at once, and was so hurt and desperate she turned to the dark brotherhood to get revenge on them all

she wanted me to kill nilsine too, the shatter-shields’ other daughter

SO we have this really complicated situation where, on the one hand, she wants alain dead for using her and ruining her life and hurting her friends, and like, he’s a bandit leader now, so he’s someone i probably would’ve easily killed off anyway, by “this is a video game not real life”/skyrim standards that’s a no brainer, i have no moral conflict with that and can’t wait to slash this guy’s head off

but on the other hand she’s so broken she wants a woman who used to be her best friend/practically her sister dead too. i dont know what nilsine’s role in this was specifically but these people were essentially her family, and they victim blamed her when she needed their support the most and threw her out with nothing and nowhere to go

and i had already done quests with the shatter-shields before this, so like, i know them too, and they’re sort of friends to me, i helped solve the mystery of their other daughter’s murder and now I’m being asked to kill the other. not to mention everyone’s going to think the butcher’s back/there’s a copycat killer/something and it’s gonna cause a panic again (even if the game doesn’t acknowledge that/directly show that happening, y’know) 

killing someone’s daughter when they’re still in mourning over the first, when they’ve come to trust you, when you’re the one who helped them gain closure over that first death already, is just. a stone cold thing to do

especially looking at it from my character’s perspective, she’d be especially torn on this because she’s a mother herself, but her children are girls she rescued from the streets - lucia was thrown away by her family, sofie was a victim of tragedy and was let down by the people in authority who should have protected and helped her

so medea would relate to tova as a mother and a friend but also relate powerfully with muiri as a victim in this

ultimately i don’t think there’s any real justification to kill nilsine here, i dont think you can really morally defend that, but. i was so drawn to muiri and wanted so badly to give her a shot at a better life and help her heal from all this, and knew she would become a marriage option if i did it bc id seen her name on the marriage options list before, her story fits in so well with medea’s, and like, i dont imagine im gonna have a lot of options for wives who would Know about my connection to the dark brotherhood/the things ive done and be okay with it, so if i went with her, there wouldn’t be a “keeping this horrible secret from my wife” aspect to deal with even though the game probably doesn’t acknowledge it if you do (i mean im still. keeping it from my kids, but. y’know. when they’re older)

and “talk this out with her and help her see how badly her mind’s been warped by the pain she’s been through” isn’t an option given to you, so

in the end i went through with it. killing alain was easy, just like any other bandit camp raid, but to get at nilsine without being caught, i had to sneak into their house when the family was asleep

which i expected would involve a lot of careful sneaking and laborious lock picking

until i realized i could just walk right in

because the door was already unlocked for me. because they consider me a friend and allow me into their home

and that somehow made it so much worse

i killed nilsine with an arrow, nobody heard a thing, and i ran for it before anyone saw me in there or realized what had happened

muiri gave me a special ring as a “symbol of her affection” for doing this, which i think is about the biggest sign i coulda hoped for lmao

i held off on considering marriage for the time though and finally decided i had to go back to windhelm to see if there was anything i could do to make amends to the shatter-shields even though they shouldn’t know it was me/make sure i didnt get seen by a guard without realizing it or something (though it wouldn’t probably matter anyway, guards saw me leave the orphanage immediately after grelod’s death and shrugged that off, so,)

my name’s still clear in windhelm, but...

tova committed suicide after she discovered what happened

she couldn’t cope with losing another daughter

so now the father is the only one left, coping with. the death of his entire family occurring within like a couple months

i didnt see what happened here i came back later so i dont know if this is something you can possibly stop or if its possible to witness the moment they find nilsine or tova’s suicide or if this just Inevitably happens whenever you come back

i feel terrible about this but theres. not really any going back now,

so. i went back to muiri

i dont know if this is what everyone says or not but her response was just. “i mean, yeah, why wouldn’t I be” i love her lmao

i wouldnt choose to get married in riften if it was up to me but thats how it be in skyrim i guess

my babies are here!!!! what!!!!

and a. random guy i dont recognize lmao :’)

just wandered in to see what was going on i guess. or maybe we’re friends and i forgot who he is entirely which would be kind of sad :’ )

maybe it was my long lost father... slipped out before i ever had the chance to realize it

however i actually. ended up doing this scene twice because, fun fact, there’s a glitch where if you don’t manage to catch up to your spouse to talk about where to live before they leave the chapel they can just fucking Disappear sometimes, :’  ) i couldnt find her anywhere after the wedding and finally looked it up and apparently she just fell into the void so i had to reload and run it again. we’re double married now

planned better this time and dressed better but anyway that elf guy didn’t appear this time but some other guy did, who i ALSO cant quite identify, he looks. maybe. kind of like lucas valerian? who is actually a friend to me and was one of the first friends i made so it’d decently make sense for him to come to my wedding, but weird if he came and camilla didn’t, and im not even sure thats him anyway, so i dont know what happened here all around

muiri’s mentor lady came too though which was sweet

im spinning this kind of as... like, medea was so drawn to her and felt so strongly for her she couldn’t bring herself to disappoint her and this was an eye opener for them both as a kind of. “look what kind of people we’ve let ourselves become” and their marriage as a new beginning, love coming from a place of desperation and darkness, starting over and hoping that the divines will forgive what they’ve done

medea’s not leaving the brotherhood but i mmmmmight try to be a little more careful about who i kill

i had intended for her to come live with me in markarth, she’s in on my. assassin life so having kind of this Other Side to my life made sense but... she met my kids at the wedding i guess and she wanted to live with them... which is really cute,

it feels really weird having this huge fancy house all to myself (and uh. argis, i guess) in markarth and having my wife and kids (and lydia, and a fox) all squished into the honestly kinda run-down whiterun house though i think im gonna work on getting the solitude house for them bc its. safer there than in markarth i feel like and ive heard thats like the fanciest/biggest house

there she is..... my Wife

she also sells things now but i feel bad accepting it when she gives me “my share” of the profit like.... babe thats your money i have so much adventuring money and i didnt do shit to help earn that,

i buy things from her sometimes but i refuse to sell her stuff bc i dont want to take any more of her money :’ )

even tho it. doesnt really matter, its video games, i know, but

found lucia, the fox, and muiri all on the bed at once

lydia was just standing like this for a rly long time after muiri moved in i guess she was suspicious but chilled out eventually :’)

gettin along finally

i just realized if we move to solitude lydia’s gonna get left behind though :(

i mean ill still come visit her but. upsetting

my one issue is that muiri still keeps saying “thank you for solving my-....problem.” every time i come in speaking distance of her which is. weird given that its the same line she had before we were married, like, she apparently doesnt get any new things to say, and is Really repetitive (imagine living in a small space with your partner and they say the same sentence with the same intonation every time you step within like 2 feet of them. how long til that gets old, do you think, ) and also its just like??? girl let that go we gotta stop dwelling on this or the kids are gonna start questioning what apparently massively important problem mommy solved

idk why she was laying on the floor but anyway my kids have started calling her “mama” now too and im not crying or anything

[charismastaticarchive]

lulu ( & patricia ) hc/meta:

motherhood/maternal instinct in fiction & feminist analysis

if u read my content, you know that i like to have a bit of a leftist, feminist&genderfuck slant to all my writing and the analysis of all my characters. women in particular are never just women, and they’re always more than the fanservice and literary/video game tropes that are pushed on to them.

i want to talk, for a moment, about “cis” motherhood and a cis woman’s body, particularly a fictional/conceptual/symbolic one---from the perspective of a non-binary afab lesbian with psychosis who has experienced delusions and dysphoria about pregnancy my whole life. from my own personal perspective, mostly because of the aforementioned marginalizations and mental illnesses i experience.... pregnancy and motherhood are both terrifying. 

but i don’t really want to talk about that, i want to talk about the typical “cis” women characters with maternal instincts----and how i believe mothers in fiction can be portrayed as complex women without losing their personalities and personal goals, namely by choosing to believe that a woman’s experience with pregnancy, childbirth, and her family/romantic entanglements are as complicated and varied as she is---and believing her problems are not solved by a man, a child, or pregnancy and in fact, can even be excacerbated by them.

so to do show examples of simpler narratives that can be made more complex, i’m going to talk about two different characters of mine that are ‘mothers’ in canon----patricia, and lulu.

to start with, patricia is the archetypical dead anime mom. the only things that make her a special character to me are that: 1) she had an extraoridinanary amount of children in order to birth a ‘special’ child. 2) she was married to two men at apparently the same time. and 3) because of her wanting to see her own child, extreme tragedy takes place that she apparently is aware of when she asks the villains of the game---a man masquerading as her own brother included among their ranks---to help her.

now we could go the typical route. we could say that patricia is a mother---and of course she loves her  biirth children more than anything, and she wanted to see her birth mother instead of her step-child. (in addition to being a dead mom archetype, she makes a very excellent evil step-mother.) but her life is so much more complicated than her child. she has two husbands. her brother is one of the main villains of the game that tortures her child. there’s thing you can get into, hidden depths that can’t be explained by her just being a woman or a mother. perhaps she loved her birth children as if they were her only family bc she knew her brother no longer was her family, her parents did not believe she was any use to them other than a bargaining chip to becoming royalty. the emperor was old, and she was very young. perhaps she felt for the past ELEVEN pregnancies that only her children, made inside her body, were the only thing that were her own in that terrifyingly lonely castle. perhaps she wanted to see them because her second husband was just as patriarchal as the first, perhaps as self-consumed. perhaps she wanted to be more than a wife---and all she knew she could be was a mother.

there’s was you can write her as very complex, and even make the seemingly simple motivation of just seeing her birth child a symbol of a greater inner life within her, even though she’s not even mentioned on the black eagles route, and is only mentioned in passing in blue lions route!

and so, on to a much more complex example of my portrayals, because lulu is an actual canon character who we can  actually see in the canon of ffx and who is not just alluded to.

lulu is maternal, an ‘older sister’ figure to yuna, and a voice of reason the whole game who takes care of yuna and even wakka in a famililal context. she’s nurturing and kind despite her dark & gothic appearance, and even her puppets refer to her as ‘mother’ in certain unlockable cutscenes in the second game.

but despite this, this is not all lulu is. lulu is a wise guardian figure---but she’s also a fierce fighter that can get the most damage in your party. she’s knowledgeable about the world at large, she’s sensible to a fault and takes 0 bullshit. she’s deeply traumatized about the loss of her first love, chappu, and probably her second lost love, someone she tried to guard shortly before the game begins. despite the most important person in the world to her being her sister character in game, the second game pairs her up with wakka (her dead fiancee’s BROTHER) and ‘shows her’ having a child with him. i say ‘shows her’ because, the game uses the exact same model from the first game, and does not ACTUALLY show her looking pregnant before she has the child even tho she could supposedly give birth at any moment.

we can assume lulu wants to move on from all the death in her life---to a new life with wakka. but it doesn’t make sense that she would get over her trauma so easily, especially without yuna by her side. she lost her parents to sin, she lost chappu, and just because sin is gone, doesn’t mean that the church and all its teachings which she believed in for long hasn’t left a mark on her, or that the church being willfully wrong about how to save the world (and sacrificing so many people in the process) ALSO didn’t have an effect on her when so much of her trauma is related to that.

i think lulu as a mother figure fails. i think in this case of canon, motherhood is a copout for the character---who literally just wasn’t in ffx-2, because it would restrain yuna and not let her grow as a character as much, in the director’s own words. she’s ‘healed’ by wakka and motherhood, her agency as an active player in the story (and her sister’s life, the most important person in the world to her) is taken from her. we’re supposed to take it as FINE with lulu that yuna just left in the middle of the night and never came back even tho she told no one where she was going! she could’ve been dead!

but i think we CAN make the circumstances of lulu in ffx-2 more complicated, if we try. if we take lulu’s trauma seriously, and show that her circumstances effect her. if we make her relationship with wakka something of desperation---to try to make her life make sense, to try to inject new life into a world still full of death & ghosts. we can make her feel not connected to her body and her baby by not being able to ‘show’/’see’ the growth of her child inside her. and we can make part of the reason she wanted to have this child because she felt she ‘lost’ yuna, that yuna was growing beyond her---and she wanted to have someone to take care of, still, even tho she might never have the same connection with her child as she does with yuna---and that SCARES her. we can also note that as a wlw as i play lulu---she might’ve thought she HAD to be with wakka to ever find someone who could love her AND have children with her, and being pregnant with a man’s child making her feel lost from her body and sense of self---her love for both chappu, and for women.

final notes: this was about cis women, but i want to note that all motherhood can really be something beautiful. i believe that stories should be about LOVE more than anything, and the bond between mother and child---especially a trans mother who chooses their own child through adoption, found family, surrogacy, or having a child with their partner with a uterus---can be one of the most beautiful sources of love on this planet!

being responsible for another human’s life with always be taxing. but when it’s something you choose---knowing that responsibility, wanting to bear the burden of a human life, and actually seeing the goal of raising them for the rest of your life and seeing to it that they’re happy and healthy---that’s something that’s really special and wonderful, even if it’s something i can’t see myself doing.

still, i don’t think the story is EVER so simple as a cis birth mother in a nuclear family loving their child and their husband, and living solely for them. life is complicated. women are complicated, with rich inner lives! and that’s part of the thing that makes willful, ethical motherhood so beautiful----knowing that taking on the burdens of taking care of another person for the rest of your life, meaning that your life comes second, is such a. big step in giving up part of your self just to love someone, just to take care of them and be there for them as your child deserves.

it’s more complicated than that, obviously, but love is complicated! and if love is worth telling stories about, then complicated stories about women and the ways they love their children, each other, and themselves are even more important.

i don’t know how to end this so [dabs] i guess lol

[booksfornamjoon]

The literary sources of BTS’ “Singularity” (Part II)

Chapter II: Oedipus Rex, the blind who had eyes

* This is a personal and purely philological analysis, that is, centred on the study of literature and/or the language as used in literature.

* This post was originally written in Spanish and translated into English, sorry if there are any errors.

* You can check part I --Narcissus and the problem of self-identity--, here.

* Also, you can check my in-depth analysis of Singularity lyrics here.

As we established in the first part of the analysis, one of the main literary sources of "Singularity" is the classic myth of Narcissus, established in Western culture through the Metamorphosis by Ovid. Remember that Narcissus, the son of a nymph and a god, ends up so enamoured with his reflection that he ends up falling into the water where his beautiful face appears, dying because of his own vanity. We affirmed that in one of the versions of the myth, the mother of Narcissus, the nymph Liriope, decides to visit Tiresias (in ancient Greek, Τειρεσίας), one of the most famous soothsayers of Greek mythology. This character, present as a prophet in all Greek tragedies related to the founding of the city of Thebes --one of the most important social nuclei of ancient Greece-- is not only considered the mediator between gods and humans but between men and women --by its androgynous nature. and between life and death.

[Tiresias appears in front of Odysseus during the sacrifice, Heinrich Füssli (1780-85)]

One of the main tragedies, and the one that will centre this second part, is Oedipus Rex (Oι̉δίπoυς τύραννoς), a Greek tragedy written by Sophocles in an unknown date (it is believed that it was composed around 430 BC). Broadly speaking, the work begins during the mandate of Oedipus, king of Thebes and husband of Jocasta. His glorious reign is dying by an aggressive epidemic of plague and he orders his brother-in-law Creon to depart for the Oracle of Delphi (a sacred temple dedicated to Apollo, built in the Villa of Delphi, Greece). 

The prediction is clear: the plague is a divine punishment because the death of Laius, the previous king, has not been avenged and it will not disappear until the guilty party is killed or sent into exile. After this, Oedipus collaborates arduously to discover the culprit -- to who promises to save his life and only punish him/her with exile--, relying on his citizens and the close members of his family. It is precisely Creon who introduces the character of Tiresias since he advises the monarch to come to him to solve the problem.

OEDIPUS: Teiresias, you who understand all things—what can be taught and what cannot be spoken of, what goes on in heaven and here on the earth—you know, although you cannot see, how sick our state is. And so we find in you alone, great seer,  our shield and saviour. 

We must bear in mind that Tiresias, who appears in this work as a character already known from other mythological cycles --Greek tragedies were represented in the amphitheatres and used to use dynasties of characters that all the public knew-- is a blind fortune-teller. When he arrives in Thebes, he refuses to declare what he knows, even though he was present at the time of Laius' murder, and he and Oedipus confront each other in a heated conversation. Irritated, Tiresias declares that Oedipus is the murderer that Oedipus himself is searching for and insinuates him that he lives in incest with his mother, with whom he has had children, he is not the Theban as he believes and that, shortly, he will be blind like him. Faced with such accusations, Oedipus does not believe him and thinks that the fortune-teller has conspired with Creon to snatch his throne.

TEIRESIAS: I say that with your dearest family, unknown to you, you are living in disgrace.  You have no idea how bad things are.

OEDIPUS: Do you really think you can just speak out, say things like this, and still remain unpunished?

TEIRESIAS: Yes, I can, if the truth has any strength.

OEDIPUS: It does, but not for you. Truth is not in you— for your ears, your mind, your eyes are blind!

TEIRESIAS: You are a wretched fool to use harsh words which all men soon enough will use to curse you.

TEIRESIAS: You may be king, but I have the right to answer you—and I control that right, for I am not your slave. I serve Apollo, and thus will never stand with Creon, signed up as his man. So I say this to you, since you have chosen to insult my blindness— you have your eyesight, and you do not see.

Since the tragedy is extensive, I will try to explain the argument briefly. Finally, Oedipus, who was actually the heir of the kings of Corinth, left his city because of an oracle that proclaimed that he would kill his father and marry his mother. He wanted to avoid the tragedy of his destiny and fled. During the way, he's entangled in a brawl in which he assassinates several people ..., one of them turns out to be Laius. With the intervention of several witnesses, it is known that Oedipus was not the biological son of the kings of Corinth since he had been abandoned on a mountain shortly after being born and saved by a messenger from the kingdom of Corinth. Little by little, Jocasta, his wife, realizes the truth: Oedipus is the son that she and Laius abandoned to their fate so that a fateful oracle would not be fulfilled, unaware that the messenger had managed to save him. Oedipus, oblivious to his true identity, had become a brave citizen of Thebes and, after overcoming the enigma of the Sphinx, took the throne. Married to his mother and having killed his real father, Oedipus stabs his eyes, not wanting to see the tragedy of his existence, and asks for an exile with his two daughters, which marks the end of the story.

OEDIPUS: But the hand which stabbed out my eyes was mine alone. In my wretched life, why should I have eyes  when nothing I could see would bring me joy?

[Oedipus Rex, film adaptation by Pier Paolo Passolini (1967)]

In summary, we can see that Tiresias is the only one, by being ironically blind, who can see the truth in a world full of people who have eyes but cannot see. He's the famous prophet whose true revelation is not accepted when he twice proclaims it. The originality of Sophocles lies in this irony (especially taking into account that Tiresias appears at the beginning of the tragedy), in the belief that the knowledge of the human being is not a simple objective fact that is imposed on us, but a subjective possession before the one we can react belligerently, as a possession that partly needs to be possessed by the one who receives it to become effective. That is why Oedipus rebels against the truth, because he believes more in him than in the gods.

A fatal love, the intervention of a vengeful divinity or the problematization of sight are common themes between the myth of Narcissus, Oedipus Rex and Singularity. If we stop a bit in the lyrics, we can extract some examples:

A sound of something breaking I awake from sleep

We have the fracture, the rupture of the individual once he realizes he's wearing a mask, he's blind.

I dumped myself into the lake I buried my voice for you Over the winter lake I was thrown

The lake, an obvious reference to Narcissus and his death. On the other hand, the second verse talks about a certain culprit (that’s why he says 'for you’ or uses passive verbs that exempt him from responsibility: 'I was thrown’), like if he was even talking to a god, maybe to a woman (that's the simplest interpretation). However, he's talking to himself. He's the culprit of his blindness like Oedipus is.

In addition, another interesting aspect is the last speech of the tragedy. This is said by the chorus, a collective character who comments and judges what happens in the tragedy and represents the Theban citizen, the public. I could not help thinking about the dancers of the video.

CHORUS: You residents of Thebes, our native land,  look on this man, this Oedipus, the one  who understood that celebrated riddle.  He was the most powerful of men.  All citizens who witnessed this man’s wealth  were envious. Now what a surging tide  of terrible disaster sweeps around him.  So while we wait to see that final day,   we cannot call a mortal being happy   before he’s passed beyond life free from pain.

Also, BTS tends to distort the figure of the idol, that is, the famous singer who is seen as a deity and not as a human being. Oedipus, like Taehyung, is seen by the public as a king, as a divine emissary, but eventually ends up being as mundane as the spectators. He suffers, he has doubts and, sometimes, he doesn't love himself either.

Lastly (I KNOW THAT I AM WRITING A LOT), among the main themes of this fabulous work of universal literature, we must talk about the problem of the search for truth and the risks and harms involved in achieving knowledge. Nietzsche speaks of this drama in the 9th chapter of the Birth of Tragedy (1871-1872). The main thesis of this book states that art is based on two fundamental notions that the Greeks of the archaic era and the classical era, ie, the Greeks prior to Socrates, knew: the two fundamental impulses of nature that are symbolized by two Greek gods, Dionysus and Apollo. 

Apollo and Dionysus symbolize two physiological states of the human being: sleepiness and drunkenness; as well as two vital impulses: the individuation (JUNG'S INDIVIDUATION PROCESS!!!!!) and the overflow. Broadly speaking, Nietzsche makes use of the deities to highlight the human condition in its strictest sense and, in turn, unveil the struggle or opposition of forces that hide in the bosom of nature. Apollo symbolizes the veil (the beautiful forms/artistic creations that adorn life and justify it) and Dionysus symbolizes suffering, death, truth..., the tragic wisdom, that is, the terrible awareness of the finitude of Men and his suffering existence. Nietzsche states that the hypertrophy of some of the elements could be harmful to man, an excess of veil could lead to optimism and rationalism, and an excess of truth could lead to suicide or asceticism. Both elements are necessary so that life can be kept in balance.

To end, Nietzsche presents Oedipus as a transgressor, a hero condemned to fall for having tried to go too far. By transgressing nature and social norms, and wanting to find out what is forbidden, Oedipus discovers a world whose vision is forbidden to the rest of mortals. He commits a masculine, heroic version of original sin by choosing to eat from the tree of knowledge that condemns humanity to abandon innocence. In this case, it is his curiosity and his integrity that encourages him to investigate. That abandonment of innocence, of comfortable ignorance, is the cruel and heroic destiny of Oedipus, and his deed consists in his sacrifice (LIKE IT HAPPENS IN 'DEMIAN'!!!). Searching in ourselves, inquiring into our motives and wounds, has a price, it leads to a rupture of the individual necessary for the rebirth of the being.

Thus the man who is responsive to artistic stimuli reacts to the reality of dreams as does the philosopher to the reality of existence; he observes closely, and he enjoys his observation: for it is out of these images that he interprets life, out of these processes that he trains himself for life. It is not only pleasant and agreeable images that he experiences with such universal understanding: the serious, the gloomy, the sad and the profound, the sudden restraints, the mockeries of chance, fearful expectations, in short the whole 'divine comedy' of life, the Inferno included, passes before him, not only as a shadow-play — for he too lives and suffers through these scenes — and yet also not without that fleeting sense of illusion; and perhaps many, like myself, can remember calling out to themselves in encouragement, amid the perils and terrors of the dream, and with success: 'It is a dream! I want to dream on!' Just as I have often been told of people who have been able to continue one and the same dream over three and more successive nights: facts which clearly show that our innermost being, our common foundation, experiences dreams with profound pleasure and joyful necessity (Nietzsche, The Birth of the Tragedy).

I hope you liked this and found it interesting and easy to read. I’m working in the next chapters, which will talk, among many things, about these works/characters/topics:

Frankenstein (Mary Shelley, 1818): A man can create his own monster

Wuthering Heights (Emily Brönte, 1847): Narcissus and Heathcliff

Jane Eyre (Charlotte Brönte, 1847): Understanding the Double - Jane Eyre and Bertha Mason

Alice Through the Looking-Glass (Lewis Carroll, 1871): The mirror symbolism

Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (Robert Louis Stevenson, 1886): Evil in a reflected identity

The Picture of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde, 1890): Self-image and ego

Dracula (Bram Stocker, 1897): Innate evil without a reflection

Peter Pan (James Matthew Barrie, 1904): Seeking for a reflection in the absence of shadows

Ophelia (from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare, 1603): Madness, water and suicide

From the myth to contemporaneity: how to codify identity and body in the information age

[coeurxdor]

✮ ━ top three favorite muses that you’ve played♫ ━ a small playlist for a muse of your choiceღ ━ favorite canon ships for your muse(s). are there any you dislike?✄ ━ do you have any artistic abilities? If so, what can you do?

✮ ━ top three favorite muses that you’ve played 

dorcas is one of my favs lmao but her aside…. uhhh…  honestly i’m someone who generally creates a character for LIFE ( i’ve been writing some characters for nearly a decade now ) so… this isn’t easy. i’ll say  neal brar (oc), kitsey greyson (oc, i never get to write her and it’s such a shame), and valentina salgado (oc) ok fuck also tiberius ogden (oc) and malena bedford (oc) i can’t leave either of them out. 

 ✄ ━ do you have any artistic abilities? If so, what can you do?

[here]

ღ ━ favorite canon ships for your muse(s). are there any you dislike?

dorcas with any of the marauders like………………………. no thanks. never, thanks. ( MAYBE with james or peter in some au, but it’s a pretty massive maybe ). or like ships with death eaters that are completely random and have zero solid/logical foundations. 

otherwise, i’m super open with ships. i’m primarily plot based, even with my ships to be honest. i’ve been in situations where dorcas had chemistry with another character  but the plots me and the other player came up, ship-wise, just didn’t speak to me at all so even though we were supposed to “ship” because our characters had chemistry or w/e, i wasn’t really up for it.

i’ve had some nice ships with ocs from historical verses, modern royalty, and x-men verses. 

in the harry potter universe, i’ve had ships with a bunch of ocs and minor canons. think it, i’ve probably done it. i’ve had ships with muggle characters, death eaters (members or leaning), order members, journalists, diplomats, hit wizards, inventors, celebrities, etc.

all of these are old as shit and i haven’t talked to my partners in ages but thus far my most well plotted out + favourite ships/ship plots have been with:

gideon prewett - it was a friends turned lovers ship, but it was very complicated as it developed over the course of a solid 5 years and with the war gideon developed a drinking problem and there were many other mini sub-plots… it was… great, but MY kind of great with lots of character development and slow burn and it ended with them going “ok we can figure this out we’ll make a proper effort” and then gideon died like a week later lmao. ( we had a star wars au for this too )

evan rosier - met at school. they were just kids. he stopped talking to her when he was 12 because he found out she was a halfblood and she absolutely didn’t put up with his nonsense. two years later they had the chance to talk about it… and they were unable to stop talking since then, behind doors that is. they always had a very peculiar dynamic, meeting in the middle in certain aspects, being ruled by their education and backgrounds in others, and above all showing each other two very different perspectives of what would become a war ( and, in their own ways, they used the knowledge they got from each other as a sort of leverage later on - knowledge is power, so it goes ). after graduation they grew apart, then close again, then he tried to pull some really stupid things after he got married and their dynamic deteriorated considerably after that and as the war progressed. there was always going to be something there even if only given to how much they shared with each other, but i was very open about dorcas not having romantic feelings for him anymore ( and gd knows having them in the first place was an identity crisis as it was ) but my partner at the time told me he would continue to have feelings for her which made the whole dynamic even more interesting. there was always tension, and angst, and power dynamics and one time they did exchange war related information once ( they never said where their affiliations lied, but they didn’t need to at that point, to either of them it was blatantly clear ) but it was on a very particular case concerning the murder of a diplomat where both the order and the death eaters were being blamed when neither side had been involved. 

an oc auror  AND I APOLOGIZE BUT YOU’LL ALL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ME WITH THIS ONE BC IT WAS ONE OF MY FAV DYNAMICS AND I LOVE AND MISS IT DEARLY. they met while she was still studying to be a healer, he asked her out she said yes but then life happened and they never did get to go on that date. fast-forward a year she’s working at the ministry as a secretary like five desks away from him, huffing at aurors and hit wizards for not filling their reports correctly and no she’s not going to bloody write them for you. he was awkward and self-conscious about it but there were no hard feelings about the failed date (dorcas had literally just joined the order so she had a lot on her plate anyway). very gradually they got talking, hooked up, it turned into a “oh no don’t worry about it it was nothing serious we were just blowing off some steam” which turned into “oh crap im falling in love” and eventually they started dating and it was the most wonderful thing in the world… and then like 6 months into it dorcas broke up with him because it was, like, early 1979 and every time they got together he ended up talking poorly of the order ( they broke up when, one day, he was trashing the order after, unbeknownst to him, the order had saved his ass and his partner’s ass and dorcas was just sitting there with the damn take out he had brought thinking “i really did this to myself huh fuck my entire life i have to end this”. they ended things abruptly and still very much in love. ) fast-forward some months he ends up reaching out to her somewhat awkwardly because he doesn’t know who to talk to ( he was a person of strong convictions but very private and he had grown very used to being able/feeling comfortable talking to her ). what did he want to get off his chest? that he had just discovered he had child. some 3 year old girl. the mother kept him in the dark about their daughter ( her reasons were that she didn’t think he was ever going to make a good father due to how much of a workaholic he was ) and he stumbled on the information. he ended up admitting to dorcas he desperately wanted to have a relationship with the child but didn’t know how to and long story short they started dating again, so painfully gradually and casually. dorcas wasn’t always present when he was with his daughter, but she was far from a stranger to the little girl. however, by mid 1980 the war was at its peak and dorcas was leading like 4 parallel lives and going to too many funerals - she was running on fumes and she did have an emotional breakdown once in front of him one time but it was after his daughter caught dragon pox and he assumed she was just overwhelmed and being sensitive ( he was so thrown off that while he was anxious himself he even went as far as cracking a joke about how she was the one who usually kept it together ). in early 1981 he started seeing his daughter more regularly, there was an unofficially joint custody thing going, and he wanted to take their relationship to the next level. not marriage by any means just, something more tangible and sure and clear, primarily because he didn’t want to have someone in his daughter’s life who would just not be in it for the long run. so they sat down and he told her everything that was going on inside his head, he said that it wasn’t that he didn’t trust her to be around he just needed to have the conversation with her… and dorcas was sitting there thinking “yes, this is something i want, this doesn’t scare me, this makes me happy, i love this person and i love that little girl like she was mine and i want to grow to love her and her father even more.” so she said she didn’t. she said she wasn’t interested; that he had read her wrong. she thought of the two broken ribs she had some weeks prior and how edgar and his wife and their children were six feet under. they parted away, never spoke again, and she was murdered like 5 months later in july/august. i shared ideas and hcs, but, as an active contributing writer, the story ended here for me. however, the way my former roleplay partner wrote what happened after dorcas’ death goes like this:years later, he ended up marrying the mother of his child ( they were able to reconnect in a healthy way because of how much character development he experienced while dating dorcas ). they had two other children.  around twenty years later, the dust of the second war settling and previously private information about both wars was gradually becoming public. one morning his eldest daughter was reading the newspaper and she casually asked mom and dad, sitting at the table with her, if they knew anyone who fought in the first war. they both mentioned a handful of hit wizards and aurors, and that was that - she closed the newspaper dismissively and left to meet with friends. it was summer. i can’t remember if it was later that day or the day after, but he asked her what had prompted her to ask such question and she said there was a face in the newspaper that seemed familiar. he asked her the name of the person, she couldn’t remember only that it was “funny but familiar”, and as she went to get the newspaper she continued that that neither he nor mom had said it. he got his glasses, she opened the newspaper for him in the multi-page article about new information from the first war and pointed at one of the several small moving photographs - the penny dropped as he recognized the face right away.a lot of things made sense after he found out dorcas was a member of the order, it was, in a way a relief for him to discover it because it filled in a lot of blanks ( and it made him feel better in the sense that no, he hadn’t been the problem in their relationship )… but on the other hand it was also highly bittersweet and conflicting, and he had more questions and about a thousand new feelings and emotions to process. the worst part was she had been dead for two decades so it wasn’t as thought he could talk to her about it. i think that ( i can’t remember ) at some point, in anger and frustration, he thought that she should have told him, and then he remembered what he was like and what his views of the order were and he was forced to admit to himself that if she had said anything to him, if she had trusted him with that information, his self from twenty years ago would have been highly judgmental and ended things immediately ( we had an au where this happened and it was the most horrible thing - it was right after an attack and they hadn’t even showered yet and dusted themselves off and he just told her to leave, didn’t even look her in the eye ). eventually he came to terms with her decisions and understood why she had made them and was able to tell his eldest daughter why the women in the photo looked familiar.

i don’t think i’ve had a single ship for dorcas, in any universe, where she ends up happy lmao bottoms up i don’t know how to write happy endings (unless it’s in aus) cheers.

♫ ━ a small playlist 

ok so im really really really realllly bad at playlists and i’ve already done one for dorcas here and i don’t want to make another lmao so can i make two mini ones for two of your characters instead?

for robb stark 

kids - mgmt 

fire - kasabian

everybody’s watching me -  the neighbourhood

seven nation army - the white stripes

howl - florence and the machine

afterlife - arcade fire

bonus: heads will roll - yeah yeah yeahs // pretty fly for a white guy - the offspring

for rose tyler

perfect places - lorde

run away with me - carly rae jepsen

the last of the real ones - fall out boy

drops of jupiter - train

adventure of a lifetime - coldplayp

[summeryoongki]

85 Questions Game

85 Questions Game ~

i was tagged forever ago by my beautiful wife @sarangtaee i literally havent been on this blog in months sorry 

⇢ Rules: Answer these 85 questions about yourself and tag 20 people

Originally posted by mimibtsghost

⇢ Last:

Drink: diet Candada Dry

📱Call: i just ordered chinese food bih

Text Message: three upside down smiley face emojis by the one and only @sarangtaee

Song you listened to: Get on Your Knees by Nikki Minjaj ft. Ariana Grande

Time you 😢: Yesterday watching a documentary about Jonestown

⇢ Ever:

Dated someone twice: yes unfortunately

😘 someone and regretted it: nope

Been cheated on: yep

Lost someone special: by death? thankfully no. in other ways? yes

Gotten drunk and thrown up: no i took 6 jello shots the other day and felt absolutely nothing. one hit from a bong and im faded though explain that science

⇢ In the last year, have you:

Made new friends: yep! and im so happy for it. they are amazing

Fallen out of 💛: actually ive fallen for someone and it sucks

😂 until you 😢: yes

Found out someone was talking about you: yes but not negatively at least to my knowledge

Met someone who changed you: my new friends have made me happier and i like being alive again. id say that is a change

Found out who your friends are: yeah

😘 someone on your Facebook friends list: no, unfortunately

⇢ General:

How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them. I dont friend people i dont know or like

Do you have any pets: i have 3 kitties

Do you want to change your name: i do, id change it to luna

What did you do for your last 🎂: i literally dont remember

What time did you wake up today: 6 am

What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping

What is something you can’t wait for: to meet my soulmate. hopefully i can muster up the courage to tell him i like him

What are you listening to right now: Phil DeFranco tell me the news rundown

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah i used to work with a guy names tom, he was a hoot and definetly eccentric

Something that gets on your nerves: people that get in other peoples way, humans in general

Most visited website: snapchat and instagram

Hair color: natural medium brown with teal tips

Long or short hair: its medium short atm

What do you like about yourself: my creativity and adventurousness and my empathy

Want any piercings: i have many and id like a couple more

Blood type: A+

Nicknames: Micky, Kenzie, Kizie

Relationship status: single and pining after a boy who only sees me as a friend

Zodiac sign: Cancer Sun, Rising,/Leo Moon

Pronouns: i hate this question

Favorite 📺 show: if i had to choose 1 it would be the office

Tattoos: 2

Right or left handed: right but im kind ambidextrous 

Ever had surgery: ive had a few teeth taken out

Piercings: many

Sports: ew

Dream Vacation: south korea, japan, greece, hawaii

Trainers: what are you asking me? i had a personal trainer almost kill me, and i have sneakers?

Eating: fried rice

Drinking: water

I’m about to watch: jessie smiles

Waiting for: Myself to gain some courage to tell my co worker that i like him

Want: my coworker

Get married for: raw, real, supportive love

Career: id like to be a zoologist or an interior designer

Hugs or kisses: neither if they arent from my SO, both if they are

👄 or eyes: eyes, i love eyes. i draw them on everything and i love looking into the eyes of someone i love

Shorter or taller: taller. i like being the little 

Older or younger: dont care as long as i like them and they are responsible

Nice arms or stomach: i dont have either, on a guy? arms, *shvers* the guy i like has nice arms with some good subtle veins happenin

Hookup or relationship: relationship, i cant do hookups i got an old civil war era piece of equipment and thats all she wrote

Troublemaker or hesitant: im hesitant and troublemaker are annoying like the paul brothers

⇢ Have you ever:

😘 a stranger: no

Drank hard liquor: vodka? yes

Lost glasses: no

Turned someone down: yeah a couple times

Sex on first date: never

Broken someone’s ️❤️: perhaps?

Had your 💔: too many times, thats why i cant tell the guy i like him. im norma jean

Been arrested: no

😢 when someone died: yes ugh so many times, mostly book movie chatcters but also all those children at Jonestown

Fallen for a friend: yes story of my life

⇢ Do you believe in:

Yourself: no, thanks childhood!

Miracles: yep

💛 at first sight: yes bc i have experienced a version of this. the first time i saw my bestfriend walk through my 7th grade ancient civilizations class, i knew i had known her in a previous life, with absolutely no doubt

😘 on the first date: actually i dont know

Angels: maybe. i dont think they would have fluffy wings and halos though

⇢ Other:

Best friend’s name: im not sure thats for anybody else to know since one of them is @sarangtaee

Eye color: olive green

Favorite Movie: i have so many, harry potter, forest gump, matilda, Guardians of the Galaxy, X-Men and many more

Favorite actor: Evan Peters, Aubrey Plaza

Favorite Food: Japchae, Alfredo pasta, Fried Rice, Pizza, Deviled Eggs, Watermelon, Peaches, Cherries

Extrovert or Introvert: Introvert all the ways

Favorite flower: Daisies, lotus, Sunflowers, dahlias, foxgloves, moonflowers

Favorite Hello 🐈 characters: i dont know what this is asking me sorry

And i will not tag anyone since i barely use this account and i have almost no followers, why did i do this? well i guess i just like talking about myself 

[thelastspeecher]

An Egg Stan AU Reunion

So, recently I’ve become invested in the Egg Stan AU again.  It’s a variation of the MerGucket AU, where when Ford gets mermaidified, Stan also gets mermaidified, but into a mer egg instead of a grown mer.  Ford ends up raising Stan as his son, and there’s some good angst.  There’s also some good fluff, though, bc Shermie is a thing in this AU, and is in a relationship with none other than Angie MerGucket.  Complicated?  Yeah.  But still fun.  So here’s a ficlet with Ford finding out that his older brother is now in a relationship with his mate Fiddleford’s younger sister.  Awkward sibling reunion time!

              “Angie and her mate found themselves a cute lil place,” Fiddleford remarked as he swam up to the door.  Ford nodded.

              “Agreed,” Ford said.  “But why are they living in a separate house?  Isn’t it mer tradition to only leave your parents’ house after you’ve had enough children that it’s too crowded?”

              “That’s correct.  Angie tried tellin’ her mate that, but he still insisted on their own house.” Fiddleford shook his head.  “He calls Angie his wife, too, not his mate. He actually corrects folks on that. I s’ppose he’s still adjustin’ to mer culture.”

              “I know what that feels like,” Ford mumbled.  Stan, whom he was currently carrying on his back, leaned forward, his arms brushing up against the gills on Ford’s neck.

              “What’d you say, dad?” Stan asked.  Ford smiled and ruffled Stan’s hair.

              “Nothing important.”

              “You can understand why I’m eager fer ya to meet ‘im,” Fiddleford said to Ford. Ford nodded.

              “Have you met Angie’s mate yet?”

              “Once.  He’s a nice enough feller.  A bit strange, but he might just be actin’ that way ‘cause he’s still adjustin’.” Fiddleford knocked on the door. “Stanley, remember to behave yourself. I know yer excited to see yer Auntie Angie again, but she’s still recoverin’ from what she went through.”

              “What did she go through?” Stan asked.

              “Ya don’t need to know the details.  Just know that there were some issues involvin’ yer cousins comin’ into the world.”

              “Is that why we’re just visiting ‘em now?” Stan asked.  “Auntie Angie ‘n her mate ‘n my cousins moved in last week.”

              “That’s correct,” Ford said with a nod.  “The four of them needed some time to relax and adjust.”  The door opened.  Ford looked at the merman in the doorway.  His jaw dropped.  “…Sherman?”

              “Stanford?” the merman, Shermie Pines, said quietly.

              “What are you doing here?” Ford asked.

              “I live here with my wife and children,” Shermie answered.  He frowned.  “I feel like I should be asking you what you’re doing here.”

              “Visiting!” Stan chirped happily.  Shermie abruptly noticed Stan on Ford’s back.  He smiled warmly.

              “Visiting, huh?”

              “Yessir,” Fiddleford interjected.  He held out a hand.  “Shermie, we met once ‘fore.  I’m Angie’s older brother Fiddleford.”  Shermie nodded slowly and shook the offered hand.

              “That’s right, Angie said her brother, his significant other, and son would be stopping by today.”  Shermie looked at Stan, clearly thinking.  “What’s your name, kiddo?”

              “Stan!”  Stan tugged on Ford’s hair.  “This ‘s my dad.”  He pointed at Fiddleford.  “‘N that’s my pa!”  Ford froze, ice running through his veins.

              Oh, no.

              “You’ve got two fathers?” Shermie asked Stan.  Stan nodded eagerly.  Shermie smiled.  “That’s lucky.  Most people only get one.”  Ford blinked in surprise.  

              I didn’t expect him to respond so well.

              “Shermie, who’s at the door?” Angie called from inside the house.

              “Your brother and his family.”

              “Let ‘em in!  They want to see the guppies.”

              “Babies,” Shermie muttered under his breath.  He moved to the side, allowing Ford, Fiddleford, and Stan to enter. The front door led directly into a cozy living room, where Angie was sitting on a couch.  Stan unlatched his arms from around Ford’s neck and swam over to Angie.

              “Auntie Angie!” Stan shouted.  Angie chuckled.

              “Howdy there, lil Stanley.  How’s my cutest nephew doin’?”

              “Good,” Stan said, embracing Angie tightly.  “I’m ‘cited to meet my cousins.”

              “Then ya came to the right place, ‘cause there’s a lil boy and lil girl in the nursery who ‘re eager to meet you.”  Angie looked up at Ford and Fiddleford, beaming.  “Glad y’all could make it.”

              “Wait, Angie, you’ve met Ford before?” Shermie asked.  Angie nodded.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

              “I…didn’t think it merited tellin’?” Angie said, cocking her head.

              “You didn’t think you should tell me that you met my younger brother?” Shermie persisted.  Angie’s mouth dropped open.

              “I thought ya looked similar!  But I just sort of assumed that my ‘all humans look the same’ bias was actin’ up again.”

              “I thought Auntie Angie’s new mate used to be human,” Stan said, confused. “How come he’s your brother, dad?”

              “Um…”  Ford looked at Fiddleford, who shrugged.  “He’s my…half-brother?  Our father met his human mother, then left her for a mermaid, my mother.”

              “Hmm.”  Stan frowned. “Okay.”

              “Your son doesn’t know-” Shermie started.

              “Stanley, I think yer dad and yer Uncle Shermie have some stuff to catch up on,” Angie interrupted.  “Why don’t we go check on yer new cousins while they talk ‘bout borin’ grownup stuff?”

              “Okay!” Stan said happily.  Angie got off the couch.

              “You gentlemen figure things out,” she said shortly.  “I’ve had enough drama in my life recently.  I need a break.”

              “Of course, honey,” Shermie said.  Angie took a hold of Stan’s hand and swam away.  Shermie gestured at the couch.  Ford and Fiddleford both sat down.  Shermie continued to tread water a few feet off the ground.  “Stanford, start talking.”

              “About what?”

              “Everything!” Shermie burst out.  “If you’re Fiddleford’s…”

              “Mate,” Fiddleford supplied.  A sour look appeared on Shermie’s face.  “You really don’t like that term.”

              “Of course I don’t.  It’s dehumanizing.”

              “You’re not human,” Ford pointed out.

              “And neither are you!  That’s what I’m getting at!  When did you become a merman?  Why? Did you fall in love with Fiddleford and decide to live with him?  Is this why you haven’t talked to your family in years?  We thought you and Stanley were dead.”  Ford looked down.  “Where’s Stanley?”

              “He’s…” Ford started.  He trailed off.  

              “Six feet under, I’d guess,” Shermie said softly.  “If you named your son after him…that can’t be a good sign. And Stan loves kids, he woulda wanted to see Caleb and Cadenza.”

              “He did,” Fiddleford said.  Shermie waved a hand, frustrated.

              “Not your son, Ford’s twin!”

              “Those two folks are one and the same,” Fiddleford said.  Shermie shook his head.

              “I’m sorry, what?”

              “It’s- it’s-”  Ford clasped his hands together and took a deep breath.  “It’s tied into why I’m mer now.  I didn’t get transformed into a merman through the usual route, ingesting the magical plant.”

              “Then how?” Shermie pressed.

              “It happened four years ago.  Stan and I were on our ship, going about our day as usual.  But out of nowhere, a sea monster attacked us.  It- it spat at us, coating much of the ship in its strange saliva. I was almost drenched in it, but Stan- Stan pushed me out of the way, taking the brunt of the blow.  Everything abruptly went black, and I woke up underwater, as a merman, and Stan was- was gone.  At least, I thought he was.  I caught sight of a large, fishlike egg on the seafloor.  I swam over to it and picked it up.  I knew, somehow, that this…this egg was Stan.”  Shermie sank down onto an armchair, staring at Ford.  “I have my suspicions about why the sea monster targeted us.  I worked with a rather shady character, prior to the incident, and Stan convinced me to stop working with the individual in question.”

              “What would that have to do with a sea monster coming after you and Stan?” Shermie asked.

              “This individual has magical capabilities, and far too many allies,” Ford said carefully.

              “Not to mention, the critter what did this to Stan ‘n Ford never leaves its nest,” Fiddleford added.  “It’s a malevolent entity that merfolk know very well.  Not once in recorded history has it gone after a ship so far from its home.”

              “This is all very fantastical,” Shermie said softly.  “But I shouldn’t doubt it.  I’ve been in the midst of fantastical things myself lately.” He paused.  “Ford, how did you meet Fiddleford?”

              “After the incident, I panicked,” Ford said.  He rubbed the back of his neck.  “I swam around in circles, trying to decide what to do. Eventually, I came across Angie and her brother Lute, who did not believe me when I told them I used to be human.”  Shermie leaned forward.

              “Why not?”

              “I don’t have a belly button anymore.  That creature completely rewrote my genetic information. I don’t have any characteristics that indicate I used to be human.”

              “Well, that explains why Stan believes you were born mer,” Shermie muttered.

              “Anyways, Angie and Lute didn’t believe me, but they still brought me to their house, because I was clearly in distress and needed help.  I eventually proved to the MerGuckets I was born human, told them the story, and…fell in love with Fiddleford.”  Ford swallowed nervously after ending his story. Shermie merely nodded slightly.

              “Okay.  But why are you raising Stan as your son?” Shermie asked, not addressing the last thing Ford had said.  “Couldn’t you raise him as your brother?”

              “I tried.  But it was too much effort, correcting everyone.  Stan himself got confused frequently, and…”  Ford looked away.  “I think that Stan deserves to have a decent father, since he’s been given a second chance.”

              “That’s very compassionate of you,” Shermie said.  He sighed.  “I just have one more question.  What’s the story you’re telling Stan, about how he came to be?”

              “That my former mate, the mer that laid him, was killed by mer hunters, as were the rest of his clutch,” Ford said.  

              “That’s a nice enough backstory,” Shermie said with a nod. “Solid.  Mom might even believe that.”

              “Why are you bringing up Mom?” Ford asked.  Shermie raised an eyebrow.

              “Stanford, she deserves to know your whereabouts.”

              “No, she doesn’t!” Ford burst out.  “She wouldn’t take any of this well.  My new status as a mer, my male mate, my son.”

              “You’d be surprised,” Shermie said softly.  “She’s fond of Angie, scales and all.”  Ford’s eyes widened.  

              “She knows about you and Angie?”

              “Of course she does,” Fiddleford said.  “She’s the one what helped deliver Caleb and Cadenza. Or did ya not listen to me when I explained the sit’ation?”

              “I might not have been completely attentive,” Ford said, “but I was trying to move the potted anemone by the door somewhere that Stan wouldn’t be able to reach.  He keeps trying to eat it.”

              “Angie got stuck in her human form,” Shermie said.  “She was too nervous to tell me about being mer, and didn’t get a chance to lay the eggs in time.  So she had to go through a human pregnancy.”

              “I knew that,” Ford said.  “But Mom delivered your- are you crying?”

              “Mers can’t cry,” Shermie said.  He rubbed his eyes.  “But I am upset, yes.  The love of my life had to go through something her species almost never does, because I didn’t make her feel safe enough to be her true self around me. It’s been a very rough time for us.”

              “We came here to cheer ya up, not bring up bad feelin’s,” Fiddleford said softly.  “I’m sorry, Shermie.”

              “No, it’s- it’s fine.  Ford, Angie and I told Mom, because we didn’t know what other humans we could trust, and Angie needed help delivering the babies.  Mom took it pretty rough at first, but by the time Caleb and Cadenza were born, she didn’t have any issues with her grandkids, daughter-in-law, and son being mer.”  Shermie took a breath.  “I know for a fact that she wants to know where you are.  She won’t care about anything other than your safety.”

              “I can’t see her.”

              “Mom thinks that you’re dead,” Shermie said shortly.  “She deserves to see you!”

              “No, she doesn’t.  And I can’t. I can’t see her.”  Ford got off the couch.  “Sherman, you have no clue how difficult it is for me to be a good father to Stan.  I can’t think of him as a brother, and that means I can’t think of my life as a human, either.  Those perspectives go hand in hand.  Seeing Mom again would bring up memories that I keep buried for my son’s sake. I won’t let myself get bogged down by those memories again.”  He swam toward the front door.  “Goodbye.”

              “What- Ford!” Shermie said.  “You can’t just leave.”

              “Yes, I can.  Just tell Stan that something came up, and I had to go.”

              “It’s incredibly rude of you to leave without saying goodbye,” Fiddleford protested.

              “Nonsense.  I just did.” With that, Ford opened the door and left.

[ithisatanytime]

To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.

    she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but  heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the  day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell)  i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.

  part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil  asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.

[booklovers-pleasure]

Bridgerton / The Duke and I

- for both book and TV show

So, usually I don't post anything on here but I've got to get my thoughts out of my head and share them.

I've binge watched the show and then read the first book - all within 2 days. After studying for a whole 2 weeks and denying myself Netflix and co I finally wanted to know what all the fuss was about.

And I enjoyed the show and the book... most of the time.

Let's just dive into it:

I loooved the drama and the wit. I hated the dresses (I know it was probably accurate clothing but they just looked like glittery nightgowns with that horrible cut right under the breats... urgh). I loved the Bridgerton family and laughed out loud when Eloise screamd for Daphne to "make haste" - we do the same at home when it's time for dinner ��. Though Anthony was quite a bit less "man of the house" in the books I still enjoyed his character in the show.

And Simon... well I can't deny that I mostly started watching bc of his handsom face. (And THAT one edit here on tumblr with the spoon...). I liked his character in both book and show, but they really did him dirty. More on that later.

Now Daphne. In the beginning of the book, most of the time I liked her better than on TV. She was a lot more open and witty in my opinion and I've found my self laughing at several differnt scenes.

But what I really wanna discuss are the 2 major tourning points.

And one more minor thing beforehand: I cackled so damn loudly when Simon proposed his idea to "form an attachment" bc they both benefit from ist and wouldn't possibly form true feelings? Fake Dating Trope at its finest 😂😂😂

Ok ok so now the 1st turning point: When they finally give in and make out in the garden, they get cought and Simon refuses to marry Daphne, the duell and so on. 1) Book: Daphne really just assumed they were seen in a compromising position other than in the show were it was more firmly stated. And then she uses it so pressure Simon. And yeah, I kinda get that back then, a woman's s reputation would be damaged by kissing a man whose not here husband. Still I did not sit wll with me. 2) Simon decided he could break one of the vows made to his father (marriage) but christ, it would have been lovely to seem him think of it prior to their little duel-problem. In the books we actually get his POV and not once (at least as far as I can recall) had he any thought about a possible positive feeling towards marrying Daphne. Sure, we get thoughts about naughty things he would like to do to her. But it would have been quite nice so have him wondering about Daphne as his wife.

For the 2nd plot point I would like to offer a warning about mentions of rape. If you have problems reading about anything concerning this topic, you may stop reading here.

.

Well, You probably know which scene I'm refering to. I still don't which version (book or show) I find less troubling. In the books, Simon was drunk and sleepy. In the show he was quite aware. Both times he made his disagreement towards the end of the act clear. And honestly... I don't really know how to write down all the thought swirling in my head so... have mercy with my writing.

I really really reaaaally wish Simon would have been nore open to her about his upbringing and his father. Do I wish he would have told her the truth, that he did now want kids? Yeah. Do I get why he instead told her he "couldn't" get kids? Yeah too. Did it break my heart that as soon as Daphne learns this, Simon - Simon who never was enough - suddenly wasn't enough anymore for her too? After she explicitly told him HE alone was ENOUGH? Hell yes it did. Though in the books it happend even faster. There was no kid at the fair to hold, no nursery so longingly stare into. No real moment of "ha, you won't have that". Sure there were moments when other would mention their future children and her heart would hurt... but in the show you could really feel and well... see it. Obviously.

And damn... in the show she accuses him of breaking his marital vow to her as if the vow he made to his father was any less important to him...

... Andwecontine in another post bc my phone won'ttype correcly.