#bc ik ur very passionate about this

[villruu]

most video essays and long gameplay speedruns really are just: “white and neurodivergent coded”

[eggluverz]

STARS FADING BUT I LINGER ON, DEAR

PAIRING. dan heng x gn!reader; dan feng x gn!reader

CONTENT WARNINGS. torture and imprisonment but nothing graphic or in detail!! 

WORD COUNT. 5,332

SUMMARY. dan heng has been having dreams about you. they started off good—like a fairytale even. but soon he’s been getting the feeling something is wrong. you’re trapped and alone and can’t escape. dan heng wonders if his dreams are telling him something. and if they are…what is there for him to do?

SOF’S NOTE. *shoves this fic in everyone’s face* LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT MY BABY!! PLS LOVE IT AND TREASURE IT!!! CRADLE IT GENTLE IN UR HANDS!!!! okay on a more serious note ahdjkdkd thank u anon for this amazing request i absolutely adored writing this 🥺🫶 idk where all the flower symbolism and dreams came from bc ik its not the in req but yk what it spoke to me for this story so i rolled w it HDJSKD i hope y’all enjoy!! :> 

“What are all those flowers for?” you giggled, watching as Dan Feng entered the room with a cart full of peonies in tow. 

It looked a little ridiculous; the elegant and renowned Imbibitor Lunae wheeling around an absurd amount of white, pink, and red flowers. But Dan Feng never cared about pretenses when he was with you. He always felt comfortable enough to be himself, no matter how ridiculous it appeared. 

As he approached, he held a small, blooming red peony out between his fingertips. “They’re for you, naturally.”

He brushed your hair aside and gently tucked the stem of the flower behind your ear, admiring how the deep red of the flower complimented your complexion. 

“Beautiful.”

You looked down at your feet with a small chuckle before meeting his gaze again. “Thank you. You’re beautiful as well.”

“Thank you, my love,” said Dan Feng, his hand resting on your waist as he planted a kiss on your forehead. “Do you like the flowers?”

You nodded, feeling the soft petals of the flower in your hair between your fingers as you stared at the bundles of peonies in the cart he brought in. Dan Feng walked over when he saw you staring and led you to each section of colors. 

“These are pink—to show my affection for you.” He picked a flower and kissed the petals before bringing it to your mouth to reciprocate. You obliged with a giggle and he smiled and hid the scandalous flower in his sleeves. “These are white peonies, to let you know I’m always thinking of you.”

You placed your hand on his chest, feeling the careful embroidery on the silken fabrics. “You’re always on my mind, too.”

“Good,” he jested. “As I should be.”

Without warning, he brought your body flush against his chest and captured your mouth with his own, softly tugging at your lower lip. You chased after his touch to give him a kiss of your own, but he soon pulled away with a teasing grin on his face. 

You pouted. “Hey!”

“Patience, beloved,” said Dan Feng. “I still haven’t gotten to the last color.”

“Oh, my sincere apologies,” you said sarcastically, knowing he was the very reason he hadn’t finished his own speech. “Please, carry on.”

“Since you asked nicely.” He cupped your face and stroked the petals on the flower behind your ear. The sensation of his light fingers brushing against the soft flower petals tickled the skin around your ear and you felt your breath catch in your throat. “This flower is a red peony, to symbolize just how passionate I am for you.” Dan Heng stared into your eyes before he spoke. “I hope you know how much I love you, truly.”

“I know,” you said, gaze not once meeting his. Your stomach tightened and your heart started beating faster as you placed his warm hand on your chest. “I love you, Dan Feng. Every part of my being is yours.” 

“And mine, yours.”

Dan Feng took your hand in his, leading you into your bed chambers. You had never felt more loved and wanted than in this moment. But when you entered the room and looked up, the hand you were holding was no longer Dan Feng’s. 

Instead, your hand was clutching an iron bar instead of your lover’s hand, shackled in chains on your wrists and ankles. Dan Feng was gone and you were stuck in here for eternity. 

You cried out, body racking with helpless sobs. Every fiber of your being—mind, body, spirit—missed him so much. The worst part wasn’t the torture, the solitary confinement, the lack of access to basic human needs. 

No, that was nothing. 

Nothing compared to knowing you would never see Dan Feng again. 

˖⁺‧₊˚❀˚₊‧⁺˖

Dan Heng woke with a start, hair plastered to us forehead with sweat. His pillow and blanket were both strewn across the floor of the Archives and he found himself on his bed alone, a heavy pounding coming from the place where his heart should be. His heart hurt so much he wondered if it was even his. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, attempting to take a deep breath to calm himself down.

That was the third time this week Dan Heng had a dream like that. 

Before, it wasn’t terribly uncommon for him to dream about your experiences with his past reincarnation. Dan Heng thought it was strange at first— Why is he dreaming of your memories rather than Dan Feng’s? But the Archives had no answer, so he was forced to accept the fact with mild curiosity as he grew accustomed to the untraditional visions that manifested as dreams that he has been having. 

Still, the strange part wasn’t that he had dreams of you, the strange part was that recently, since the Astral Express left Luofu, Dan Heng has been getting bad dreams of you. Or, to be precise, he’s been experiencing bad memories you have gone through. 

Dan Heng thought the torture was the worst of it. As cold blades cut against your warm skin, Dan Heng felt each push. Each puncture. Each drop of blood they drew from your veins. He woke up constantly in pain, checking his own body to be sure it wasn’t happening to him. 

But he learned a new form of torture that came from the heart. The solitude and loneliness. The knowledge that the one you loved most has perished— Was forced to reincarnate and never see you again. 

The pain on his body was temporary. But Dan Heng felt the ache in your soul every minute of every day. 

He just doubted there was anything he could do to stop it. 

˖⁺‧₊˚❀˚₊‧⁺˖

“Y/N,” came a quiet voice from outside the cell. “I came to check on you again.”

You looked up from your thin futon to meet Jing Yuan’s remorseful eyes. Your living conditions have been upgraded from those you’ve experienced for decades now. No longer were you in chains— You had access to a bath, and they even offered you books and enough food to sustain you. All while confined in a cell, of course. 

Perhaps they no longer viewed you as a threat. Not that they should have ever viewed you as such in the first place. You didn’t understand why you were punished solely for being Dan Feng’s lover. You weren’t a warrior. You didn’t hold any position of power. You were a scholar and lover of books and plants. But you’re an accomplice, the Preceptors said as they mercilessly chained you up. 

If you weren’t knocked into unconsciousness moments after, you would’ve spit at their faces as they took you away. 

“Y/N…” 

You snapped out of your thoughts, dragging your gaze to the man in front of your cell. Placing your book to the side, you smiled up at Jing Yuan. “Sorry about that. I was a little out of it there.”

Jing Yuan frowned and your heart moved, feeling the depth of his sadness. “No need to apologize. Tell me, how have you been?” 

“Good, I have to say,” you said, sitting up straight on your bed. “I’m almost finished with the book you gave me last time.” 

He smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m glad.”

“Is something the matter?” you asked as you stood and walked over to him, offering a hand of comfort through the iron bars. 

Jing Yuan took it, giving you a gentle squeeze before dropped your hand. The rush of human contact, despite how brief it was, coursed through you. It’s been so long since you felt the touch of another person.

“Dan Heng and his friends left the Xianzhou Luofu,” he said solemnly. 

Your eyes shut as you let your forehead press against the cool metal of your cell. A tear fell down your cheek but a smile remained on your face. “That’s… That is good. He should be free from this place. Dan Heng is happiest that way, correct?”

“That is how it seems,” Jing Yuan sighed. He held back his words for a moment, hesitant. But as he looked at you, he could not longer keep it in. “Do you still think it was the right decision to not inform Dan Heng that you are here?” 

You let out a quiet laugh, taking a seat on the floor and Jing Yuan soon followed suit. “What would he do with that information? What if he felt guilty—? That could hold him back.”

“Are you certain that is a choice for you to make?”

Sighing, you shook your head. It wasn’t your choice to make; it was Dan Heng’s. You knew that deep down inside. But what could you do when you were aware of Dan Heng’s aversion to his past—to any potential connection to Dan Feng? And thus, any connection to you? 

You felt it, you dreamed about it. Dan Heng’s hatred for his past reincarnation. You mourned for them. Both Dan Feng and Dan Heng. For the former, you knew it must be hard having no connection to your reincarnation. Was his soul no longer tethered to this world? Perhaps he felt lost, even in the afterlife. For the latter, you did not blame any resentment that came from him. You knew all too well that being judged and punished based off the actions of another person was unjust. You wouldn’t wish it upon anybody. 

And so, it made sense to you that Dan Heng wanted to accept his past for what it was, and then be free from it. You did not want to interfere with that. Especially not when he was so close to healing and making a good, happy life for himself. 

And now, after Jing Yuan told you Dan Heng and his friends finished their adventures in the Xianzhou Luofu, excited to take on the rest of the galaxies, you thought that maybe you made the right choice. You would be happy enough here, alone in this prison, if you knew your beloved was free. 

It was a decision you made yourself, for Dan Heng. 

And it was one you hoped you wouldn’t regret. 

˖⁺‧₊˚❀˚₊‧⁺˖

“Foolish! No!” Dan Heng thrashed in his sleep, wanting to reach out and shake you to your senses. He’s had terrible dream after terrible dream, but this was one he couldn’t simply let go of. 

This one seemed more recent than any of the others. That was not a dream of a distant memory from long ago— No, the Astral Express that Jing Yuan spoke of in Dan Heng’s dream had only departed Xianzhou Luofu a few days ago now. That meant you were there, locked up right under his nose, for the entirety of his stay at the Luofu. And no one told him a thing.

Dan Heng had to control his fury. He felt hurt and betrayed, despite not having a true, personal connection with you himself. He wasn’t Dan Feng and, deep down, he recognized he didn’t have a claim to your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. But the pain he felt from knowing you were there, and that maybe, just maybe, he could’ve done something to help you sooner, was something Dan Heng couldn’t shake.

He knew what he had to do.

Perhaps it was bold, impulsive, and maybe dismissive of their current plans, but he had to do it. Dan Heng took a deep breath, not waiting for the night to turn into day. He was going to ask Pom-Pom to please turn this damn train around.

˖⁺‧₊˚❀˚₊‧⁺˖

“Where are they?” 

Much to no one’s surprise, Jing Yuan seemed to know exactly what Dan Heng was talking about. What else could be important enough for Dan Heng to barge into the Seat of Divine Foresight without a word of warning? 

Jing Yuan quickly excused the meeting he was holding, biding a quick apology and saying they would reconvene shortly. Despite the newfound privacy, he still didn’t reveal anything to Dan Heng.

“Well, good afternoon to you as well, Dan Heng—”

“Stop. There’s no time for formalities right now.” Dan Heng folded his arms, hands clutched into tight fists by his sides. “Where are the Preceptors keeping them? And why the hell haven’t you done anything to help Y/N?”

With a heavy sigh, Jing Yuan took a seat in his chair, gesturing Dan Heng to sit across from him. A gesture Dan Heng pointedly ignored. He wasn’t here to sit down and take his time. He wanted to know where you were now so he could get you out of there. The torture, the poor treatment, the punishment for something you didn’t do... It wasn’t fair. He could hardly put up with it in his dreams. He wondered how it was possible for you to even be surviving all this time. 

“It may surprise to you here,” Jing Yuan stated, voice low, “but as much influence I have over Xianzhou, the Preceptors unfortunately remain untouched by that.”

Dan Heng’s grip loosened, momentarily feeling guilty for assuming Jing Yuan did not try to help you in any way. From what his dreams could see, Jing Yuan was one of the only people who frequently visited you— Which was already more than he could say for himself. 

His face hardened but he relented. “I’m sorry for suggesting such a thing.”

Jing Yuan gave him a half-smile through hooded eyes. “If you hold any recollection of Dan Feng’s time with them, I don’t blame you for having such a severe reaction. Y/N was—is…remarkable.” 

“I shouldn’t know that myself,” said Dan Heng quietly. “Yet somehow, I know you’re right.” 

He looked at the ground solemnly, suddenly frightened that he wouldn’t be able to do anything to help you after all. If the Cloud Knight General Jing Yuan couldn’t influence the Preceptors, what could he do? 

He shook the negative thoughts out of his head. Sure, Dan Heng wasn’t Jing Yuan, but he was the reincarnation of Dan Feng, the previous High Elder and Imbibitor Lunae. Dan Heng was the friend and ally of current High Elder Bailu. Dan Heng had the General backing him with a token of alliance. And Dan Heng would stop at nothing to free you from your shackles. 

˖⁺‧₊˚❀˚₊‧⁺˖

The process was more painstaking than Dan Heng had originally thought. After informing Jing Yuan of his plan to speak to Bailu, Dan Heng soon realized that conversing with her would be the easiest part.

The Dragon Lady was kind and had a good heart. She cared for other people and didn’t want to see anyone in pain. The difficult part came from feeling the lack of respect the Preceptors had for her. They treated her as more of a child than a High Elder, even withholding her title of Imbibitor Lunae until they deemed she was “of age.” But Dan Heng thought she had more sense and knowledge than all of the Preceptors combined. 

It took negotiations, possible acts of coercion that broke many Vidyadhara laws, and even the threat of Dan Heng to follow in his past life’s footsteps and destroy the seal at Scalegorge Waterscape and many more places… But Dan Heng, along with the assistance and backing of Bailu and Jing Yuan, finally got the Preceptors to agree to release you without forcing a reincarnation. 

You had suffered decades for a crime you had no hand in committing. The Preceptors were simply scared your love for Dan Feng would influence you to be a main headpiece in carrying out the rebellion against the Xianzhou Luofu—hence why those in charge had originally agreed to keep you here. But Jing Yuan was the residing general now, and with his army at his side, he was able to voice that he no longer viewed imprisonment on this land to be befitting of you as a solid conclusion. Bailu stated, as a complete bluff that anyone could have seen right through, that if you were not released immediately and given the opportunity to be reconnected with Dan Heng, she would no longer be as willing to repair any seals, should they be harmed in the future. 

Somehow, instead of all three of them getting locked up for treason or whatever Vidyadhara laws they horribly crossed, they managed to succeed in their goal of winning your freedom. The Preceptors wrote in their official records the release date of prisoner Y/N and agreed to escort one of them to your cell.

Jing Yuan and Bailu, of course, both opted for Dan Heng to be the person who sees you first. But only after making him promise they would get to see you once you settled into your new life. 

Dan Heng smiled, thanking them for their part in this operation. And when night came, he spoke his vow to you under the endless stars.

He would see you soon. And this time, he would never let anything bad happen to you again. 

˖⁺‧₊˚❀˚₊‧⁺˖

“More peonies?” you asked with a laugh, staring in awe at the field of flowers that were newly planted on the grounds of your estate. The bright colors of the petals flushed against the dark green of the leaves lined the gardens of your grand quarters. 

Dan Feng nodded, the trimmings on his sleeves detailed with the faint embroidery of petals dancing around the wind. Your heart warmed when you saw it. It was fitting for him, such a beautiful and caring soul. 

“I had them planted for you,” he said, gesturing at the arrangement around you. He smiled, his eyes glinting. “Because one cartful just wasn’t enough.” 

You shook your head as you went around the rows of peonies, touching the petals in awe of the spring bloom in the air. The smell was sweet and the wind was cool, providing the right amount of breeze to offset the heat of the sun. First, you went to the patch of white peonies, then pink, then red. Then, you noticed a shade Dan Feng hadn’t given to you before.

“Yellow peonies?” you said curiously, Dan Feng following along as you explored the gardens fit for royalty. Because, he had said before, to him, you were.

“Indeed.” He plucked one from the bush, careful not to ruin the stem of the plant itself. Slowly, he brought it up against the light in the sky. “Yellow. As radiant as the sun.” 

You stared up, shading your eyes as to not get blinded by the brightness. “It shines almost as brightly as you.” 

Dan Feng made a noise of amusement at your words. “I should be the one saying that to you.” 

“Perhaps you should speak faster,” you teased. 

You walked over to him, placing your hand in his and leading him to a field of grass. When you got to an area you liked, you sat down on the floor, gesturing for him to follow suit. Dan Feng brushed at the fabric of his clothes once before happily obliging. As you sat there, you looked over at Dan Feng and studied the look of serenity on his face. His expression was calm, his eyes were soft and the corners of his mouth tilted ever so slightly into a smile. In the hand that was not holding yours, he held the yellow peony still in hand.

“Does it symbolize anything? Like the others?” 

He nodded. “Yellow peonies are rare to come by. Only the most renowned of breeders can craft one to the perfect shade.”

At his words, you looked back at the abundant row of yellow peonies dressing your land. You wondered how much effort he went through in searching for the perfect shade to gift you.

“They’re to symbolize my wishes for you,” stated Dan Feng, toying with the edge of a petal with his thumb. “I wish to bestow upon you luck and prosperity, for the rest of your life.” 

“I think I’ve used all the luck I possibly could, finding someone like you,” you giggled, bumping your shoulder against his before leaning your head on it. Dan Feng breathed deeply, resting his head on top of yours. “And the only prosperity I wish for is to be prosperous in love. With you.” 

He laughed, a deep rumble vibrating against your body. “So, all your wishes of luck and prosperity have already come true? What need was there for me to gift you these flowers, then?”

You held your palm out, waiting for Dan Feng to place the yellow peony at its center. He gently laid it there, letting his fingers linger against your skin. 

“I’m glad you gifted me these,” you reassured him. “Now, when I walk by, they will always serve as a reminder of the radiant peony right in front of me.”

˖⁺‧₊˚❀˚₊‧⁺˖

The next morning, Dan Heng entered the dark corridor with a flower tucked into a hidden pocket of his outer garments. 

While he was nervous about how you might react to him going against your wishes that you expressed to Jing Yuan, his determination to assure your freedom was more than enough to counteract that. If Dan Heng truly wanted to be freed of his past and atone for the wrongdoings of Dan Feng, he would need to make sure no one else was being punished for his actions. 

He had helped repair the Ambrosial Arbor’s seal at Scalegeorge Waterscape, to atone for Dan Feng’s acts against the current High Elder and all of the Luofu Vidyadhara. Now, he would release you from decades of unjust punishment you suffered simply for being associated with him. 

“Y/N, you have a visitor,” one of the Preceptors said dryly, unlocking a cell. The hooded man could hardly hide the look of distaste on his face a before he rolled his eyes and walked away. “I’m sure you two must have plenty to catch up on. Leave here quickly before we change our minds.”

Dan Heng peered into the entrance, his gaze meeting your confused and alarmed face in an instant. 

You looked between Dan Heng and the open cell, not a Preceptor in sight. “Is this a test?”

He shook his head, showing you the official pardon signed by Bailu, Jing Yuan, and a representative of the Preceptors. You held the document in your hands, reading its contents and feeling the seal to believe it’s legitimacy, before giving it back to him. He felt your hands tremble as you made brief contact with his and he was overcome with the urge to comfort you. 

“This isn’t a test,” he promised, looking into your eyes in hopes you would see the truth in them. “You really are free from here.”

You let out an amused noise of disbelief, shaking your head. “Oh, Dan Heng… What did you do?”

He startled at the sound of his name coming from your lips. He was so accustomed to you only repeating Dan Feng over and over in his dreams that this felt almost refreshing. 

“Rather, what did Jing Yuan do?” you corrected, laughing quietly as you stood up from your seated position. Your robes, once beautifully crafted, were worn and tattered. But the light in your eyes never waned. “I told him not to tell you.”

“He didn’t,” said Dan Heng. He considered his statement before adding, “I suppose eventually he did confirm it, but I was the one who confronted him about it.”

You raised a curious brow. “And how, pray tell, did you know about this…situation?”

“From my dreams.”

Your eyes widened in surprise. For once, you were speechless. 

“I know it’s more normal to have dreams about your past reincarnation,” he stated, neatly folding the document in his hands before sliding it away into his pocket. “But, while I occasionally had dreams of Dan Feng’s life—bad ones normally, might I add—it’s been more common to have dreams of you.”

With a slow and shaky breath, you shut your eyes to think. “You’d had dreams of Dan Feng’s memories of me, do you mean?”

He shook his head. “No. They’re dreams of your memories. Some included your moments with Dan Feng from long ago, yes. Others were you in this prison. A recent one was of Jing Yuan visiting you and in it you said not to tell me about this.”

You chuckled helplessly. “What good did that do, after all?”

“Why didn’t you want me to know? Why didn’t you want me to help you?”

“It wasn’t that!” you protested, your eyes telling stories your words could not keep up with. You sighed. “Okay, it was.”

Dan Heng let out a sharp breath.

“However, it’s not for the reasons you might be thinking,” you corrected, arms folded over your chest. “I’ve come to accept my life being imprisoned here. It’s given me a lot of time to think and reflect. And, similar to you, I’ve occasionally had dreams of you, Dan Heng.”

He tilted his head to the side. 

“They weren’t long nor were they frequent. But what I have gathered from them, scarce as they were, is you resent Dan Feng. You don’t want any ties to your past. And you’ve accomplished so much growth and closure, finally freeing yourself from all that burdened you. What good would it be to drag you back here and make you relive this?” 

“You sound ridiculous.” 

His words were harsh and it stopped you right in your tracks. You stared at him, eyes wide as they peered into his, but he couldn’t let that stop the words of logic from coming out of his mouth. 

“You’re not a saint nor are you a martyr. You don’t have to try to be one. You’re a person, and for that you should be free in your own right. You’re a Vidyadhara, trapped and punished for actions that were not your own. I understand what you’ve been through— I’ve been there, too.” Dan Heng held his hand out to you from outside your prison cell, waiting for you to walk out and accept it. “Furthermore, you are a kind and loving soul, and you don’t deserve to spend a single moment in this place. Please, accept my help.”

Your cheeks were wet as you nodded your head. Slowly, you placed your cold, shaky hand in his. He felt your cool skin against his warm one and he enveloped your hands gently, brushing your knuckles with his thumb to share the heat in his body. 

“I’ve wanted to get out of here so badly,” you admitted through silent tears. “I hated being confined and alone. I felt helpless. Pathetic.” He watched with a heavy heart as you wiped your own tears away. Could he reach out and do it for you instead? He chastised himself. As much as he wanted to, he had no right. “But you suffered so much in your past life—in this life even. I didn’t want to cause you any more pain.”

Dan Heng shook his head. “What brings me the most pain is knowing you were suffering for so long, and I didn’t help you.”

“How could you help when you didn’t know?” you reasoned with a sad smile. “I’m sorry for making Jing Yuan promise to never let you know.”

His eyes squeezed shut as a sharp pang ran through his heart. “Please. Please promise me you won’t do something like that again. If you need me, I want to be there for you. Always.”

You gaze widened at his words before you recollected yourself. 

Dan Heng winced as he understood what he said. His mind and soul were confused. He knew he wasn’t Dan Feng, that this was the first moment he has ever had with you. But why does he feel like he’s known you forever? 

After a few moments of silence, as if you were giving him time to amend what he said, you finally spoke. “Okay. I promise.” 

He felt every muscle in his body relax at those words. He knew the promise you spoke was true to your heart. Dan Heng believed it with all his being and he let that console him. 

“Thank you,” he breathed. 

With one of your hands still in his, he slowly led you out of the corridor and up the stairs, away from your cold and dark prison. 

“What are you going to do now that you’re free?” Dan Heng asked, hating himself for hoping your future plans would somehow include keeping in touch with him. “Will you…stay on the Luofu?”

Your body tensed as a shiver went down your spine. You shook your head fervently as your expression twisted into one of grief. Dan Heng’s heart stirred at the sight. He knew that feeling all too well, and it pained him knowing you had similar conflicts to go through. “No, that’s the last thing I want to do. I won’t stay here. At least not now.”

“I understand.” 

You gave him a weak, but hopeful smile as he squeezed your hand softly. 

“And you?” you wondered, looking at him with thoughtful and eyes as you awaited his response. 

“I’m going to the Astral Express to continue on with our adventures,” he said with his lips upturned. “It’s a great place to call home, especially when you’ve lost the only place you had once called home.” He stared at you for a moment. “If you would like to join us—join me—I think you would very much enjoy it.” 

You teared up at his offer. “Can you really just invite people like that?”

Dan Heng briefly thought of the girl they picked us as an icicle and the boy who they found with no knowledge of the past. He considered your situation. “Yes, we really can.” 

The sunlight from outside finally started shining through the walkway, signaling that you were almost out as a freed person. 

“Also,” he said, before he could forget, “I, myself, would want you to come join our crew, even if it’s only for a little while. You can stay for as long as you want, and leave whenever you want as well.”

Your ears perked up at that. “I like the sound of that. If the Astral Express will have me, then I would love to join.” 

Dan Heng smiled as he patted the top of your head. Your body relaxed at his touch as you leaned into him, and he continued to hold onto you as you approached the exit. “No one will threaten your freedom ever again. That is my oath to you.”

You started at him, brows furrowed in determination. “And I vow the same to you. These new beginnings will bring only freedom and prosperity.”

At that word, Dan Heng suddenly remembered the small gift he brought for you. He blushed as he felt the soft petals of the peony in his large pocket. 

“I have something for you,” he said, slowly stopping in his tracks. He turned towards you and you followed suit, tilting your head to the side in question. “It’s nothing big. But it’s a token. A reminder.” 

He held out the peony in one hand, watching as your eyes lit up at the sight of it. Your mouth widened as you let out a noise of laughter, accepting his gift and holding it close to your chest. 

“Thank you, Dan Heng,” you said, tears of happiness filling your eyes. “I love it.”

It wasn’t yellow— He wasn’t the bright and radiant Dan Feng you knew and loved. It wasn’t red or pink, even. While he felt traces of love and attraction for you from his past memories, he knew in his heart that wasn’t really him developing those feelings for you. 

Instead, it was a white peony. 

You were always in his thoughts. It was both a blank slate, and a gentle reminder. He would never forget you, and as he got to experience life with you, who knew what dashes of color would be mixed in next with this pearly white. 

[tearsofcalamity]

wriofucker's fine by me lol unless u have another nickname that'd be both as accurate & funny!

i wasn't too clear earlier; i think our mandatory education goes up to 9th grade, and then it's like a minimum of 4(ish) years for a uni degree. so it's not all that different lol

nahh im telling you i had one macroeconomics class once and it fried my fuckin brain. only reason i could stand it was because the professor was too right-brained for his own good (he'd start his lectures with a song he liked. i wrote a bunch of barely-relevant shit abt environmental pollution on the exam—he was super passionate abt it—and he just let me pass<3 loved that guy). ik i said it before but good luck on ur studies!! im sure you'll absolutely kill it out there. and, thank sm! i actually finished the short story assignment last night but im too scared to submit it jdhdj

im so glad you've got more kaveh brewing omg he's so<33 bit of a shame you're not into kavetham (they make me bite & scream) but that's just fine; more kaveh/reader for the world! except the world is me and nobody else<3 can u imagine teasing kaveh in public, maybe he's even all nice & plugged up, and you're warning him not to let a single person figure out what's going on bc he's for your eyes only<3 but it's so difficult and you're relentless and it feels so, so good... he doesn't even care about people finding out anymore, but he wants to be a good boy for you... phew. lord have mercy

HAHA WRIOFUCKER IT IS THEN!! happy to have a named anon :D

ohhhh I see I see! okay yeah so it's pretty similar just a few differences! I think the only reason I'm surviving my business/econ work is cause I've got a math-wired brain lmfao. I've got autism ("high functioning" but I don't really like that term for it, I think the more acceptable one is "low support needs") and I got the "math autism" as my friends put it so that's probably a bigger part of it. I like making spreadsheets and working out equations HAHA, also thank you for the well wishes I actually just found out I passed calc 2 with an 82% so I'm very happy about that!! I'm glad to hear you got your short story done as well, sounds like you're moving through it all good <3!!

HONESTLY I don't hate the ships (like either kavetham or haikaveh I think they're different? like some shippers put the top's name first or something?? I'm not 100% sure) like I TOTALLY see the chemistry don't get me wrong, I think it's mainly just that I get so sad seeing like nearly 0 kaveh content without alhaitham included. I love both of them but kaveh's got such a unique and deep story too, yet people often just kinda treat him like an accessory to alhaitham likely cause he's 4 star and haitham is 5 star so it turns me off of the ships a bit </3 still though that's so true MORE KAVEH/READER!!!!

oh don't even get me started on teasing kaveh in public there's so many ways you could do it and each one would make him squirm more than the last... shove a nice little vibrator deep inside of him, remote controlled of course, and enjoy watching his knees practically buckle every time you up the intensity. ooh, maybe he's giving a one-time academic seminar for some kshahrewar students and you just stand in the corner, grinning at him all the while while he shakes and tries his best to keep his voice level, praying his face isn't as red as it feels...

or play around with him in the tavern, sit right next to him and brush your hand along his inner thigh while he squirms, not sure whether he wants to move closer or further way from you... this one's easier to hide since his flushed cheeks could easily be attributed to a bit too much to drink, but once he's grabbing at your wrist to push your hand into his bulge at last, he knows by your stare that he's messed up. I mean, he hadn't kept his promise to be good, had he? guess you'll just have to rail him over his workbench back at home when he least expects it! (totally ignore his needs/pretend he's not acting super horny when you get back at first, though, he'll be so good for you when you finally do bend him over)

[lunicho]

Saw this on another blog and wanted to send it to you too ☺️

Pick any 5 moots and describe them using 3 words! <3

ooh this is so cute, i love when ppl ask me to talk abt my moots cuz i love bragging about them!! the hard part is picking 5 moots to do this with hmm

@adoresol - passionate, honest, and devoted. i have actually been good friends with her for a good like four years now i think omg so there's many words to describe her but i think these are the best ones for now. she feels deeply and is very genuine in her emotions which is something i admire about her. she's also extremely honest, i love this about her because if i ask her something she'll be straight up with me. she's also very devoted bc like why is she still my friend LMAOOO she's so loyal and just like!?!?!?!?!?!??! my pookie wookie bear fr, i've told her so much cheesy corny shit abt how i feel abt our friendship so i'll spare y'all

@kissohee - its so hard to describe her with just three words! but i would say chaotic, lovable, and genuine. i never feel stress when talking to her and we've grown comfortable with one another quite quickly. i think we just have had this connection from the beginning and she just made me so so comfortable. she's also so loveable like im gonna hold her hand fr she's so cute. and she's so genuine, i always feel that she means everything that she says and it makes me even more comfy with her. she's also just like me we're both so random and we both talk a lot so its the perfect pace for me. the convos are always so fast like idk if ppl would be able to keep up with us and how much we switch topics LMAO but yeah! i hope that we just get closer and closer in the future and that she's always happy <3 (also open-minded would be a rlly good one for her but only her and i know why and that's the way its gonna stay LMAO)

@sminiac - saiii!!! i never include her in my moots posts so i wanted to this time :3! i'm gonna say kind, inviting, and adorable. she's literally so so kind, everytime i send smth or interact with her she's like "my dearest bunny!" AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY SO SO HAPPY!! she's always so sweet to me and like idk smth abt her is just so adorable. plus her blog rn is so adorable i love the layout. i do still get anxious to send too much stuff and things like that but ur so so welcoming and inviting that ik im always welcome but im scared to be annoying LMAOGDJ. i hope we can yap more and more abt 8turn tgt and just chat some more!!

@bubblegyu00 - energetic, humorous, and chatty,, our convos are extremely fast paced and go on for the entire day. i'm always laughing at smth or we're always losing it over smth someone did (usually a zb1 member or nicho tbh). she's energetic and keeps up with my pace and i do the same with hers. she also makes me laugh which is why i said she's humorous. we're always going on and on abt the same 3 things yet we never get tired of it like its gonna eat every single time PLS. BUT YEAH she's super fun, her nonnie to friend storyline is very very iconic and i love that for her. can't wait to keep screaming about kyungmin over and over <33

@xhdream - we've started to talk in the dms now and dinna's such a sweet girlie :(. i would describe her as easy-going, charming, and friendly. dinna's sooo so cute and always so sweet to me and she has been since the beginning. talking to her has been so fun so far cuz she's very approachable and she engages in the conversation so so much. our time difference is very big so we have to catch each other at a specific time but it's worth it everytime. there's just something about her that's so fun and so kind and that's why i said she's charming. her and her blog just have this good and sweet energy that i really really enjoy <3

[foggieststars]

huh that’s so interesting that rule 63 gets less attention than other things, i had no idea!

but the thing that i do love about rule 63 is that while our numbers may be few, i feel like passion like this isn’t found for other tropes (is it a trope, idk, but u get what i mean) like ik for a fact that every one of ur anons would go and have gone feral for every crumb of rule 63 u bless us with

anyway u don’t have to post this, just basically wanna grab ur face through my phone, look u in the eyes, and tell u that u and ur brain r very much appreciated <3

i'd definitely say rule 63 does! especially if it's a double whammy imo like if you have f/f driver pairings i've noticed they seem to get less attention than maybe m/f pairings which in turn get less attention than standard m/m. which makes sense bcs ik it's not everyone's cup of tea,,,,,, even tho i wish it was

but like u said it's SO nice to find a little niche of people who are completely deranged about it!! every rule 63 au i've read for f1 bangs unbelievably hard!! especially landoscar ones imo.. omg

thank u lovely <33

[breestanaccount]

So i watched the new spiderman movie (like a week ago lolll) and i am finally over it enough to share my toughts so BUCKLE INNN

first of: my baby boy MILES MORALES WHOOP WHOOP

Look at him and tell me he isn't the best. You cant. Ik you cant bc Miles is the best and he needs a damn break man. He is just a kid, like?? He's literally my age (15, i think) and he hit SO close to home in EVERYTHING for me. His jokes, his relationship with his parents, his feelings EVERYTHING. I am very passionate about him. And like, i get it that he shouldn't stop canon events but thats his father that we're talking about. And you can see that miles adores his parents. And given his personality he obviously can't stand back. And miguel had no business saying all that (i'll have more to say about that so bare with me please🙏)

In conclusion: if you don't like miles i do not trust you

NEXT: my girl (who y'all hate 2 much on) GWEN STACYY

She beautiful😻😻.

ANYWAY

the hate she gets is ATROCIOUS. I understand the whole "she betrayed miles" but did she not get a whole group of spider ppl to HELP miles?? Or did y'all skip over that part? What's crazy is the fact y'all hate on gwen and i haven't heard a word abt peter or miguel? Y'all biased as hell!!! She's just 16 and she went through a lot too. And she obviously cares for Miles. All thr hate she's getting is concerning and i will defend her w my life. Miles has all the right to feel betrayed though, I won't argue against that cuz i can't. Ofc, everyone has different opinions, but I feel like she wouldn't get half the hate if she were a man (which is that case with miguel, but i'll get to that, pls don't kill me cuz ik a lot of y'all love him)

CONCLUSION: we love gwen here.

NOWWW ALL YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FORRR (bc ik some of y'all wanna end me rn #iattackedurfave): MIGUEL O'HARA BABYYYYY

He's handsome i won't lie to you, but not rlly my type now let's get into it.

I don't think what he did is right. The way he handled that situation is just wrong, in my opinion. And so many ppl excuse that bc he's 1) hot (which is the case in so many other fandoms, with ppl bashing female characters while uplifting male characters for th same actions) and 2) bc of his trauma. But, heads up, trauma is and never will be an excuse. Trauma is an EXPLANATION. There is a very big difference. He went through something traumatizing and that is awful, but he didn't try to understand miles. Like i said, miles is 15. And i get that miguel was just trying to protect the universes, I understand that. But when he was calling Miles a mistake, that he never should have been bitten by that spider, acting as if it was MILES'S fault?? Not the best way to handle that, which, again, trauma. Not an excuse, but an explenation for his actions. I can't find myself to rlly like him just now. Maybe in the next movie. I can't just like a character bc they r hot. And I know this will make some ppl mad, but AT LEAST try to look at this from my point of view, and at least try to understand why i don't like Miguel. If y'all like him, that's fine. But my boy miles deserved better.

Still, I think Miguel is an intresting character with so much room to grow and I really hope to see that.

CONCLUSION: idk. Maybe you noticed i am mixed abt him

NEXT. HOBIE MF BROWNNNNNN

Here's a pic😻🙏

Here's another pic and let's get into ITT

Hobie might be the coolest, and kindest and best character. I don't think he has done a bad thing in that whole movie. He helped miles, he helped gwen and by helping gwen he helped miles AGAIN. I love his vibe, too. His relationship with miles is perfect, like brothers. And his friendship with gwen is adorable, they r similar with similar intrests if you think abt it and i do hope we get to see him again in the next movie, maybe get a little more on him and his backstory, maybe his canon event(?). He's a beauty, what can i say💕💕

CONCLUSIONN: i love him ur honor

NEXT: PAVITR PRABHAKAR

Look at this cutie. Tell me he isn't a lil pookie cutie and that he wouldn't give the best hugs.

Given his personality, it makes sense that he's 13-14 but damn given his looks i would think he's 16 (which means he gets the prize for not looking your age since he had half the fandom fooled).

The edits i've seen of him r the best and the "Chai tea scene" was so funny, btw.

CONCLUSION: he's 10/10 if you don't like him or think he's "annoying" i don't trust you.

HONORARY MENTIONS: JESS😜😜😻😻😍😍

she did all that pregnant u got to give it to her that she's good as hell. In my opinion she might be the strongest. Love my girl🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

And that's abt all. Ik there r so many different characters i can talk about but those r the ones that stood up to me the most. Pls don't kill me abt my opinion on Miguel, but different ppl have different opinions, y'know? I don't like characters just cuz they fine, thats just a bonus☝️ hope y'all liked this shit of me goofing along, and if anyone wishes to share their thoughts they r most welcome to!

I am kinda nervous to post this since i hate arguing with ppl on my opinions, but at the same time i am very stubborn and i am very passionate abt my opinions so these two but heads a LOT. But i will be getting over my fear with this and i did come to the conclusion that y'all won't eat me alive so yeah

Bye lovies💕

[jkpng]

could u pls explain what drew you to koobi. like they are lowkey underrated and i adore them and i wanna hear you yap about them

omg ur about to regret asking. i love koobi so much wtf i have a bunch of word vomit bc im very bad at articulating my thoughts

okok first of all jungkook and hobi are both biases individually so whenever they’re in the same frame all my neurons set on fire. anyways ik jungkook has the golden maknae title (deserved) but i feel like its not widely recognized As Much the way hobi is also a golden ace like they’re both sooooo good at everything. and thats jungkooks Thing™️ but like. hoseok is SO fucking good at dancing and so good at rapping and so good at songwriting/producing and ALSO so good at singing and he (also jin) is such a morale booster and icebreaker and i feel like he warms up every room hes in. but also he takes his craft so seriously and his dance teacher side is so intense and respectable. and like ofc they’re all insanely talented and passionate but i feel like jungkook and hobi are kinda two sides of the same coin and idk im ENDEARED………and also their solo music i just . love nearly everything they put out like theyre batting 99.9% for me. (and their harmonizing drives me crazy) also i feel like i have weirdly a lot in common with jungkook and i wanna be him soooo bad while hobi is everything i am not but adore in other people 😭

+ tiktoks im submitting to the court as evidence (bc i cant add more than 1 vid to a post 🤬) cried. making the little one laugh. CRIED. CRIEDDDDD

BUT ANYWAYS the koobi of it all…………..i feel like out of all the dynamics in bts i understand why they’re underrated cuz like. for example namgi or vmin u could write fucking essays abt those pairs and the depth of their relationships. but for koobi i feel like its a lot quieter like idk if theres as much to Say abt their relationship but their closeness shows if ur paying attention yk. idk theres just this softness and warmth between them that rlly gets to me like everyone babies jk but i feel like hobi babies him in a really particular way where im like. wtf thats HIS BABY. but also his baby is gonna kill all the bugs for him. like idk the sheer number of clips where jungkook is hanging off hobi and cuddling him (and sniffing him 😭) is so touching to meeeee………like it just. gives the impression that hobi is such a safe space for him and it makes me wanna cry and throw up. and also how hobi said the maknae line follows him around. like little ducklings. like what the fuck they love and admire him so much and i love seeing hobi be adored like he DESERVESSSS

also 1) in bv4 when hobi is filming jungkook on the swing. 2) in soop1 when jungkook is playing lost stars on the guitar for hobi. 3) jungkook crying when hobi was going to leave. 4) jungkook scheduling around being able to send hobi off. cries so hard i start gagging like wtf. idk i just feel like theres so much love and admiration between them. and obv i dont Actually know but their dynamic just seems uncomplicated and safe like every time theyre around each other it just radiates WARMTH u know. idk. walking into the pacific ocean rn

anyways koobi compilation

[hopelesslygaysstuff]

SAME! Natasha was the first woman i saw on tv that didnt take shit from men and didnt need them either, natasha is very special to me too! I adore wanda but natashas a soft spot.

Yeah! Came up on my fyp a few months ago, i like the drawing and went to see if there was any more art related stuff bc UNDERRATED and saw you!

Ik ik. But its honestly adorable how passionate you are! Ah thank god. Be confident? Ill try! And yes i’m over 18 dw! I apologised bc i was worried i had made you uncomfortable, and bc i dont wanna overwhelm you sweetie

Natasha was everything to me and lowkey still is like she's the OG she's been here for me since day one I literally love her and think about her a lot lol but Wanda is literally my wife so. idk like first love vs strongest love typa deal with those two you know?

That's such a crazy coincidence omg i'm glad you liked it an uh don't dox me pls and thank u ♡ but yeah i try and do art stuff lol its just a fun way to get my creative urges out lol

Good good good i'm glad ur an adult and don't apologize if u haven't done anything wrong lol its fine i just don't see inbox things sometimes or i don't feel like responding but that doesn't mean anybody did something wrong. Again, if something makes me uncomfortable, ya'll will know. I'm pretty straightforward about my boundaries.

Anyways! I'm gonna try and get chapter two of 50 Shades of Red out tonight so wish me luck on that haha

[menlove]

hi there, i don’t see many people studying religious studies so i’m intrigued. what drew you towards it? what’s your favorite thing about it? id also love to hear your opinion regarding the discourse of one religion being inherently better than the other. also, do you have a favorite religion to learn about?

thank you for the ask!!

honestly a lot of things haha. it was always a special interest growing up. in college I initially went for early childhood education (& that's what my associates is in) but I took a world religions class as an elective and the special interest just Peaked. but I never thought of majoring in it bc I didn't see a plan with it. embarrassingly the next phase of my Special Interest came with good omens in 2018 when I did a bunch of research for a role reversal au.

and I also was dicking around at the bookstore one day a few years ago and picked up a book called "a history of god" by karen armstrong (a good starting place if ur curious- terrible as far as an actual source goes). super super interesting book that sparked a lot of Thinking

skip ahead a few years and I had transferred to a 4 year university and worked the worst childcare job ever and realized I did Not want to be an early childhood teacher. and I said fuck it why not do something I'm passionate about?

my favorite thing about it is just....... getting to Discover things. I love unearthing new (to me) facts and making sense of religious and human history and piecing it all together to make sense of the fucked up and beautiful world we live in. I love looking at various cultures and religions and seeing all the ways humans like to make our lives meaningful (and on a personal spiritual belief level, the ways in which various people and cultures have interacted w the divine, whatever they may call it). I'm getting my minor in history so in general I just really love the history of religion it's very fascinating and illuminating

the discourse on any one religion being better than the others is wild to me. especially when you know the history of especially christianity bc im always like. discovering new ways in which it's entirely constructed. but in general I think every religion has its positives and its negatives and its good and bad people and no one is any better than the other. now some are certainly Worse in the historical sense esp w their impact (im looking at u christianity), but that is the fault of the people upholding those structures and not the religion itself. And Also back to the og point I think basing ur judgement of ppl on religious belief or lack thereof is wild (and that includes anti-theists)

and lastly!!! yes I love love love learning abt judaism and especially ancient israelite religion it's immensely interesting to me and I'm doing my capstone on the connection between the ugaritic texts and the tanakh. but if I'm going Outside abrahamic religions (sorry ik it's a hotly debated term it's just still used academically and I haven't seen a good replacement but anyone else lmk if u have one) I really enjoyed learning abt religious history in china.

sorry this got long but I love to infodump so thank u for asking!! 💖

[losingherface]

something fun, my gf requirements as an INTJ woman:

-Taller than me which is very easy to meet considering i’m like 5’0

- Tattoos bc they’re hot

- Dominant personality

- Not shy

-i’m an introvert so an extrovert would bring me some nice balance to my life

- Very sweet and affectionate

-Has a passion and can talk for hours and hours about it

-MUST LOVE/LIKE VIDEO GAMES and i’m not talking about that animal crossing shit

-Must love/like horror

- i like readers

- No tunnel vision

- bonus points if she has muscles

- Doesn’t want children

- Likes trying new stuff…..

-Not boring, no small talk pls

- Likes heavy metal, and a lot of other ‘weird’ music

- More masculine than feminine but i’m okay with either one

- 21+ , no one younger than me

- dresses casual, none of that costume-y shit 😭

-Has a good sense of humor and ik i can laugh with her for hours

- Different cultural background is plus for me but i don’t necessarily care

-doesn’t use tiktok <3 omfffg if u don’t use tiktok ? Get in my bed rnnnn

- Private! I don’t need ur friends or random ppl knowing abt our personal issues ok

-GIVES ME SPACE. texting everyday is exhausting. I still luv u don’t worry <3

lmk if i’m picky yall

[zeltqz]

I felt this needed to be sent as an ask. I know it's one of the hardest things to do (writing when your motivation is weighing) but you have to try your best NOT to listen to them (those who keep asking for updates with no consideration of what it's like for the author). Pressure ain't doing nothing but motivating negativity. I know the guilt, I've been there. At the end of the day I gave what I could and the fic ended up being discontinued a month ago. I permanently quit writing because I felt it was so overwhelming and stressful despite being something I absolutely love doing, I just couldn't take knowing people waited for my updates, I was disappointing them and that disappointed me. Talk about depression. Writers depression is very real. So eventually I unpublished my wattpad fics, deleted all my Tumblr fics, and stayed a silent reader, I wrote short poems or small works here and there for my private instagram, just whenever I felt like it. I honestly thought it was permanent. Until a friend of mine started writing which sparked my interest in it again. So I restarted my blog a couple days ago. Gave thought to what it was I wanna write and how I want this blog to be different. Atm I'm barely writing, I started 3 fics last week yet they remain in my drafts untouched with no further progress. But I can honestly say the nonchalance and freedom I have is quite nice, I try to write here and again. Or even if a single sentence or dialogue comes to mind I note it down, that gave life to another sentence and another and another until I put it together and it formed about a decent paragraph.. I'M RAMBLING. I lost track of what I was supposed to say. I don't even know the main point of this story. Forgive me. But seriously, the best advice I can give is to unburden yourself before you drown. Literally. Write what you want when you can, your wips, don't delete them!! I promise you some time later you'll definitely be inspired for them again. And when u do you'll be able to literally write more for it!! I have an idea from 2 yrs ago and it's pretty decent, with some editing it could be even better. So please don't delete them 😭😭 and don't let people push you to update. You can if you can and You can't if you can't!!! I'm here if you need any help 🙏🏻 I noticed that talking about your writing with someone who reciprocates your energy can ignite a full on passionate conversation that will lead to creating quality work!! Like new ideas or even roots to go for old works.. It's a good way to keep the motivation flowing when you're running thin 🤍🤍🤍

this is honestly the sweetest piece of advice soeone ever gave me. its so detailed and relatable too because i used to be a wattpad writer back in 2021 and then ppl kept on asking for update update update and it was so stressful so I just logged out of the account and to this day i havent logged back in 😭😭

as someone who used to be a silent reader i understand the frustration of needing an update. dont get me wrong i understand. i used to feel that exact way because fics were my only source of happiness at one point in my life when everything was shitty. but now im actually writing them, i know why some writers dont want to update so fast because its so much pressure when theres 5-6 ppl in ur inbox asking for update update update

ik how hard it is to finish a story but also how desperate it can get for the readers waiting for said update. which is the reason im constantly trying to keep writing but now i feel like i just cant. im such a perfectionist i dont post anything i dont feel is my best but rn i feel like none of my works are and its making me slack a lot and i feel like if i dont stop feeling this way then i might stop writing as a whole because its making me frustrated

writing genuinely makes me happy bc i feel like its an escape from reality (which i desperately need bc i hate my life) but i cant write good enough which is making me annoyed because i need that reality escape sooooo bad

and the reason i asked yesterday which fics of mine were peoples favourites, most of them were the series that i had deleted from my page because i reread them and hated it so bad. now im rewriting it but with this lack of motivation its one of the hardest things ive had to do in a while

and i barely talk to ppl about my fics because idk i barely recieve comments about them except for PT 2 PLS. like as much as i would LOVE to write part 2 3 4 5 6 7 etc its not motivating enough since i dont have anyone motivating me to write.

ugh this is a lot i dont except anyone to read this but THANKS FOR THE ASK <3

[jiminrings]

Hiiii jiminrings aka one of my favorite authors everrr aka supreme ruler of angst and pathetic, sniveling men! I must say I've never read angst quite as cutting as yours, blood running cold, jaw hanging open, you know the type. Thanks so much for sharing your creativity and time with us!!! I really mean it.

I've read some of your previous works, but fail safe has managed to hit different, and that's very hard considering hbjimin!!!!!! and 478jk!!!! (Ik I'm echoing a popular sentiment on here, but you deserve your flowers)

I need to confess that when I first started reading fail safe I felt so taken aback by your oc's characterization, to the point I didn't even like her. But halfway through the first part, I had a big, fat epiphany and realized the only reason I felt unsympathetic towards here was because (SHOCKER!) that's my twin lowkey 😭😭 I was like oh....... so this is how it feels like to have a mirror held up to your face 😂🫵

Even though I've always grown up as a pretty responsible, independent kid who had big dreams and a sense of passion I'm currently at a point in my life where I feel very lost and confused and unsatisfied with my life. I have felt that spark of fashion almost totally dampened, and as a result I feel like (some of) the people around me kinda look down on me a little / are very worried about my near future / are very condescending about where I'm at emotionally and existentialist (basically oc and yoongi's dynamic). Making that connection.... hurt and made reading this fic so much more emotional.

This means I have a HUGE VENDETTA AGAINST FS YOONGI FOR TREATING OC LIKE SHIT AND BEING A CONDESCENDING, PEDANTIC ASSHOLE!!!!! He's borderline demonic, talking to her life that throughout her teen hood, no wonder she has such a negative self-image, in spite of working to build herself up. But the issue is that she's working from such a shaky foundation and she hasn't healed one bit 🥺 kinda feel she's self medicating through her work (like yoongi maybe but I don't care about his bum ass). She's in a very unfair position cause she doesn't have anyone in here corner in terms of like her immediate family circle (except for her mom but she can't talk about it with her cause it will break her heart knowing yoongi has always been like that to her 🥺- like seriously what is his issue???? did he flip on oc cause he has unresolved romantic feelings that he couldn't act on cause of 1. age gap and 2. Namjoon). Speaking on Namjoon, WHAT AN ASS!!!! He gave me ptsd to all the times my brothers chose to be insensitive towards me and not stick up for me.

Overall, there are so many mixed feelings. I understand her still having a complex with yoongi cause there's too many unresolved issues and hurt feelings that have been repressed for too long and that just keeps her on a cycle instead of allowing her to fully let go. So I don't judge her for it cause I've been there, done that.

I'm sooo excited for what's to come. I'm looking forward to the mysteries being revealed (my prediction for second lead is mr. kim taehyung himself), gut-wrenching lines courtesy of your lovely brain, and oc development! I'm ready to scream, cry, run around, jump off a cliff, swim in circles ❤️

I apologize in advance for the long ask. Also, star emoji anon, you're a legend lmao

ok first of all thank u second i love yew n third u don’t know how much this means to me!!!! fs yoongi is rlly up there with his predecessors (hbjm and 478jk) and for him to be the superlative of something (derogatory),,, that rlly says something!! i won’t ever get tired of thanking sweet sweet people like you and ur flowers <3 if i could digest them i already would’ve . STOPPPPP U R LITERALLY TWINS !!!! triplets if u count me n quadruplets if u account for all the other anons that had fs resonate w them!!! i feel you So So much bc we r almost exactly the same!!! being ambitious as a child (i’m the youngest if u couldn’t tell… womp womp) without no clear picture of what you want to be, then turning into someone who has no actual passion at all except for the desire to live a good n secure life… whew!!! thank god i only have irl yoongi on my side though and NOT fs yoongi bc that would’ve been really something 😑😑😑 thank u thank yewwww i actually love it whenever people tell me they have mixed feelings bc oh my god yer telling me that i made you think really hard???? THANK U SO SO MUCH AGAIN!!! never apologize for long asks bc i love them a lot and star emoji anon rlly is a legend n i can confirm that!! LOVE YEWWWWWWW

[lif3isstrange]

Ask gameeeeeee 🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖 (for research purposes this emoji needed to be used 🧐)

1. 14 and it sucked because of all the stigma around autism. People make it seem like this awful thing and that you’re just a fancy word for dumb, then I moved on but got upset because I felt like I was being a burden on everyone with my picky eating and sensory meltdowns but my psychiatrist said ‘don’t be angry at yourself for the way you are, be angry with the world, it’s the worlds fault for not fitting with you, not the other way around’. I was like damn she’s worth the money 🥳

2. I am in the people I live with so they all just think I bring up autism as an excuse and I’m really just a ‘spoiled brat’ 😍 my mum refuses to learn anything about autism at all and my sister said stimming was disgusting and sounded ‘sexual’ ?! My dads quite sus tho with the autism symptoms but doesn’t know how to deal with it🤨

3. I have adhd aswell so they both love to conflict 🥰, my autism thrives in routine but my adhd loves chaos, my autism wants to be quiet and focused and my adhd wants to look at how the tree kinda looks like that one from two years ago and loudly blab about something uninteresting to others 😟 it’s a lot to handle but I wouldn’t be as cool without em both so 😎

4. Yes but extremely confused and can’t be bothered to figure it out 🤩

5. That it isn’t our fault and we don’t do destructive things on purpose, we do it to try and display our feelings because we can’t really be verbal and calmly talk about them when we’re focused on how bright the lights are and how horrible and itchy our clothes start to feel. We need more time to adjust with change and so people need patience etc. many people even parents fail to understand what asd is like 🫡

6. Yes but only with another autistic so they got the sensory meltdowns but they were a bad person and liked their computer a lot more than me 💀 I love relationships as I am a very loving person and feel the need to share it but relationships are hard and extremely emotionally challenging plus I don’t trust men much anymore 😵‍💫

7. The adhd tends to come in clutch so I think it’s more my town lacks personality than me. I have a very analytical way where I will find something we are both passionate about and then ramble on about it with them then keep trying to find other things in common and go on etc. I basically treat befriending like a fun cia operation 🥸

8. My special interests aren’t as strong as other peoples but I love the game outlast 2 and the lore of it. There was so much work put into the game and theories how the speakers throughout the game were put a certain hz to brainwash the citizens into the religious insanity and the story behind the entire thing is just chefs kiss 🤌

9. Idk if this counts but probably Jacqueline Wilson books 😭 I bought and read every single book she wrote (my favourite was rose rivers) some of those books were so insane to read but I was such a bookworm. I bought every magazine she put out aswell and collected all the free gifts in them 🤭

10. Kill ur father and don’t listen to anyone bc they’re all evil 😭 I let everyone treat me like garbage and was such a sensitive little baby 😖 if I could go back I’d tell her to set everyone straight and not let anyone mess with me plus to stop being a weirdo 🤓

YAYY I DID IT AND ITS NOW 2AM

IK MY ANSWERS ARENT THAT INTERESTING BUT ENJOY!!! :)

[lifesver]

[ louder, groundshaking boss music in retaliation ] howdy kels :)) i very much share the sentiment that meeting you has been nothing short of so amazing, hilarious, heartbreaking, and so much good vibes so far ♡ i've said it quite some times before i know, broken record, but truly am so very happy to have met you, gotten to write all these absolutely wild aus and dynamics with you and i am so very cheering on what all of it - and what you will bring to our dashes - in the coming year c: i'm very VERY much looking forward to seeing where you take leland, to be able to read all your newspaper publishings across the dash, and where these kiddos will take us all. im very happy to be in this little corner with you guys. :) ♡

you bring such a strong breath of life into leland - he's realistic, he's brave even when he's absolutely terrified and has no clue how to go forward. his love for his friends is so very clearly shown in everything you write regarding either the dires or the friends simply goofing around. he comes across like such a living, breathing character and its thanks to the dedication and love you put in for him. from a guy that gun seems adamant on reducing so badly ( and so fucking wrongly ) as so one-dimensional, icky gross jock stereotype, you've allowed him to grow into such a precious, adorable, kind-hearted guy that honestly? i feel most people would kill to have as a friend. he's silly and warm and goofy in all the right ways and when things go wrong he's so complex and fractured and his depth truly gets to shine in those darker moments.

which of course brings me to that note; all the flavors of the dire aus :))

it has been SO MUCH FUN and SO VERY HEARTBREAKING getting to write with leland and maria in NOSY in particular. their dynamic alone is so gut-wretchingly tragic just on surface level, but the depth that it sinks into, in all of their trajectories, all of their shared dynamics with johnny & lamb, their complex and confusing feelings towards the friends, its been absolutely a blast getting to brainstorm and shoot ideas at all hours about it and im so thankful i get to be part of that experience with both you and lamb. your minds and your love for leland and johnny really bring out such a passion in return to me to write and brainstorm more and its been an amazing experience bouncing ideas off from you two. i absolutely cannot wait to see how, whether in threads or in ask responses, NOSY / WSU and all its different trajectories and more play out as this new year goes on.

i also very much enjoy all the little ideas and hcs and posts we all get ot bounce off of one another - esp getting silly with the aliases, im just adoring all the ways that we're expanding these kiddos to places gun could Literally Never honestly.

ill end it here but know i admire you, your characterization of leland, the love you have for him that so clearly shows in everything you post, your writing as a whole ( because holy shit i adore leland's inner thoughts, how you describe the world and people around him at any given moment!! )and likewise that i read your work, even simple hcs, and its inspiring to get to form a reply to.

i love you and value you and your friendship and as a writing partner and i truly hope this year is nothing but great and rewarding to you as well!! ♡♡♡

UGH RENEE i finally reply to this bc it's so kind and i need it on my blog. i did not expect u to uno reverse me but perhaps i should have, in fact, known-- no but like idk man i don't have a lot of words but this means so much 2 me and i'm so happy to write with you and be ur pal and just be crafting these dynamics and completely out of hand narrative arcs. like it's so nice to just go off the rails w you ik i can pitch something unhinged and u will pull up with another several paragraphs and suddenly we're crying on the ground in shamblse. it keeps happening -- (and i love it)

ur so sweet TT___TT thank u for tolerating me and the jock we love u. i adore all our dynamics so much. and i wanna hype you and ur writing up all the time you always insp me!!! raaaa

i look forward to hanging out with you even more in the new year, and seeing all that you do with your writing on here, it's such a blast to collaborate, and you guys all keep me inspired to write on here and think of new stuff. (and shout out u in particular for always leaving me about a thousand inbox prompts that hurt my feelings that i am possessed to draft 23423432 word replies to. thanks for enabling my angst and drama and dire writing ur so real for that genuinely)

i have waxed poetic in ur inbox i'll shut up before i just ramble the same nonsense here but like ily sm MWAHH

[sweetvictorie]

ik i hardly Blog so this is weird but i just want a place to put some thoughts about my Life so here ya go. very stream of consciousness

i have been struggling so much in the past year or so with drawing for fun and in trying to figure out why that is, im reflecting on all the changes in my life, and im starting to get really scared that like. what if i just outgrew art (in the form that i usually make it). like i grew up in Fandom and thats what motivated me to draw, loving characters and ships and such. and i still do love shows and stuff obviously but i havent hyperfixated on something in a long time and like. in the past few years ive started working, started college, discovered im bisexual and fell in love with my boyfriend, he moved in with me....... and i just dont interact with media the way i used to bc i dont have the time. im busy doing adult things and having normal people emotions. and i still WANT to draw, i still think its fun and i love the feeling of making cartoons that im proud of!!! but the Ideas are gone. so thats what i mean when i say i might have outgrown drawing. i dont do it like i did when i was a teenager simply because ive grown up. but it makes me worry, because 1. thats my main fucking hobby that i love so much, and 2. im a graphic design major and my goal in life is to be a storyboard artist. this is like my whole THING. and what if i just dont have the passion for drawing anymore? then im fucked. idk. i want to get back to drawing for fun cuz then ill remember why i chose this career path in the first place. drawing is so central to who i am and i just dont wanna lose it. i already feel like ive lost so much of myself in growing up (i love my bf to death, but going from an obvious lesbian to straight-passing has been really fucking weird for my self image). i just wanna draw some funny cartoons it makes me happy

if u read all that, ty for lending ur ear. im open to any thoughts/advice but not necessarily seeking it, i just wanted to put my own thoughts into the world so they didnt stay trapped in my brain

[wndaswife]

in secret and thérèse raquin spoilers under the cut (ik a lot of you are planning on reading it and haven’t yet!! i’ll talk ab the book and the movie here,, and im really really rambling here like a huge huge nerd u can VERY much completely ignore this if u want)

jeeeeesusss fucking christ that movie was so much more than i remember fuck.. that fucking part with thérèse coming and just babbling out “thank you thank you thank you” LIKE SHIT… FUCK

camille is a very unfortunate man but.. and u can stone me for this i would forgive u but he is actually very easy to sympathize with??? like he’s so juvenile and so naive, very unfortunate person like that haircut is just tragic and it’s so icky he’s always sick but im sorry he’s a poor kid, that nativity and constant hopefulness is just… idk

im sorry even as im typing this it sounds so stupid, but in the book he really is just naive, and i find he’s exactly like that in the movie too i feel bad for him

EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE PART IN BED WITH THÉRÈSE that was really shitty but idk was wrong with the ppl putting this movie together because bitch no one was ever supposed to love thérèse or laurent.. i mean u totally can but it wasn’t supposed to be written as them being tragic lovers who just wanna be together n you feel super sorry for them. and i feel like they wrote that in for that exact reason.. doesn’t make it any less stupid and shitty tho. zola probably would’ve rly disliked the way this story was carried out in this movie

and fuck laurent seriously that mf wants to be so profound and mysterious so fucking bad yet he paints most times because he gets a hard on watching naked women like goodbye and im never going to forget the part in the book where he ogled a dead girl in the morgue who literally sewerslided

i really hate that man

gluttonous incapable coward god he’s terrible

i mean,, okay honestly if u never read the book or if you do read it and don’t care about its portrayal it’s not even a terrible movie, it’s not bad at all besides the typical morally questionable acts

the architecture and costumes and lightings and colours were all so beautiful the entire movie, i love watching it and taking everything in i mean it’s rly gorgeous, and ofc so is lizzie so i mean my eyes r rly never off the screen

so that was a huge thumbs up for me , the whole thing is really really pretty

i mean there r obvious things wrong ab the movie, it was written like thérèse is horribly mistreated and did what she did because of the emotional distress she was under, which okay like i said if u didn’t read the book totally totally fine makes sense like okay then she’s a relatively likable character and in that case this story is ab her reactions to her circumstances, a story like that is fine, so don’t get me wrong and think im saying it’s not

but the book and what happened in it from a naturalist perspective meaning that circumstance has little to no effect on someone’s natural way of behaving and reacting- put thérèse in any other environment she would still be the kind of demure person easily set aflame by small passionate sparks, she goes all-in bets everything and cares little about what happens if and when she burns out. that’s why she started the relationship, not solely bc she was neglected or distressed, tho im sure it also had a minor hand in it

in the book it said she was patient and able to stay relaxed n lithe like a cat because of how she had to help her aunt around n camille, and how quiet and in the background she had to be, but that did nothing on her temperament and natural way of being

even if her being quiet and patience changed, say she grew up in a different environment, she would still be one to start a relationship with laurent the same way she did canonically

i do not like how this was changed because it’s taking the whole thing out of context, rly changing all the bases of the characters and the book, and most importantly.. in the movie ur supposed to LIKE them together and see their relationship as romantic

not gonna lie there are only four solid pages in which i liked them together and u BET i came with receipts- page 38-42 (oxford university press edition translated by rothwell bc ik page formatting can differ based on book versions)

to some extent OFC i did feel bad for them in the book like the stuff they went through including thérèse being domestically abused and dozens of other things they went through is not something i’d ever feel apathy towards, but rly not once after finishing the book did i think aw man that end shouldn’t have happened and they were such a good couple

tho that is the response the movie seems to have been looking for

i think what happened at the end of the book was always always always going to happen, just like how laurent and thérèse ending up being super annoyed by each other would have always happened. once they started arguing with each other it was never going to stop and they simultaneously would never be able to live without it. that’s kind of the interesting and maybe to some ppl problematic part of naturalist literature

it’s totally FINE and really like it doesn’t matter that much if u read the book or not, you can enjoy consuming only one, or consuming both and liking only one of them! and you don’t have to care at all that it’s different from the book, the movie is pretty great on its own if you’re not comparing them

but my personal opinion comparing them… not the greatest portrayal of the book (massive things were changed!!!!). the book was rly good but the movie also has its perks too

lizzie is so incredible in this movie, not a single movie of hers that i’ve seen is disappointing, i love seeing films through her eyes and i find they’re all really centered in people and their struggles and motivations etc etc, and i rly love that

i do get pleasure out of watching in secret, it’s a very pretty movie and it’s entertaining to hate laurent and judge their relationship and lizzie is such a talented actress, i love their descent into insanity and their stupidity, it’s a movie i rly do like watching (and none of this is sarcastic i really seriously do like seeing them act like idiots at times, even in the book it was pretty entertaining)

this is a weird review i have to admit bc it seems for a majority of it that im bashing the movie,, ITS A GOOD MOVIE it’s entertaining and has a great cast and it’s pretty the soundtrack is great, so r the aesthetics it’s a great movie, it rly is

but in its portrayal to the book!!! not as good

but that doesn’t mean i don’t enjoy the movie, i do!!!

and here is one more observation i took from comparing the book and the movie: where the book did not go into detail with the sensual relationship between laurent and thérèse like the movie did tho it was still a huge part of the story, the movie also did not go into detail with the relationship that developed between them through the naturalist perspective. thus, in secret is an erotic romantic drama with not many mentions of naturalism and the book is huge on naturalism while talking no more than a collective page of their actual sexual interactions. i think MAYBE the directors n writers of the movie intended for naturalism and overt sexuality to be.. sort of synonymous? which is rly interesting i think. they both played similar roles with these characters (mostly thérèse) who store and shroud their sexualities like precious innate things as one would their natures. i thought that was kind of cool if that was the intention, and even if it wasn’t i think it was inadvertent but very clear statement either way

im not sure ab my options on that yet,, tho i kinda wanna read more about that from somewhere

i want to ask if anyone agrees with innate nature and sexuality being synonymous but idk if anyone has read this far it’s just me rambling like an idiot lmfao

ANYWAYS

i wish lizzie did more book adaptations it’s so fun to read books her movies are based on and watch her interviews and know she read the book too

it’s just so fun to analyze u know???

i need a literature pal T_T