#bc i this is the first time im sailing the high seas to watch pony shit so i must have watched them in some official capacity before??

[adhdvane]

im dying he r fkcuking face

[autisticthatthouknowestthine]

kiss, opal, satin, matte

kiss: what do you want from life right now?

i want my brain to cooperate on one goshdarn interest of mine, hopefully coming through with smendel. i want to stop sleeping through things i care about, i want to stop sleeping, and i want to work up the nerve or something like it to do laundry. a couple days where conversation is borderline intuitive would be nice as well.

opal: talk about your interests and passions

ok one interest that was rekindled this week is my fucking ADORATION for california marine wildlife. when i was in first grade i read Island of the Blue Dolphins and demanded i be permitted to do a book report on it. it was up on our family’s website for a long time until we stopped paying for the domain, but learning about cormorants and abalone and wild dogs and all of it was so interesting and it was so close to me, all of it, i live in the dune-y part of the south bay, but the cliff-y part wasn’t that far, and I went to marine life summer camps, went to aquariums, hell i practically LIVED in the aquarium of the pacific in long beach, the little eel exhibit STILL is the light of my life, i wanted to be a diver, i wanted to be a marine biologist, i have wildlife of the galapagos species identification cards that my grandparents brought back from their trip to the galapagos, finding out about the sea lizards, the blue-footed boobies, the hundreds of year old turtles, it just seemed like the sea was the motivator for so much, i loved the touch tanks, the sting of the ice-cold sea water as it dried on your arms, i loved the wave tank at the aquarium, i loved the life-sized model of the blue whale that was hanging from the ceiling and how every hour on the hour they would close all the blinds and play a movie about blue whales, project the wavy water refractions on the walls and you could feel the livingness of the thing, i loved the movies they’d show in the aquarium’s movie thater, i loved the puffins and sea otters and penguins, i loved the sardines and making them change directions, i loved the tacky stickiness of the anemone, i loved the sea urchins’ grasp of my finger and the purple that was left there, i loved that i was the only one brave enough to touch them. i loved the sea cucumbers, how they were silky and yet not, i loved all the fish we weren’t allowed to touch. i loved the shark eggs, i loved the shark touch tanks, i loved to scare myself silly at the big touch tanks. my love of birds comes from the lorikeet cages there, although i was always too scared to let them climb on me. my sister was always better with clawed things, but i would touch the stinging things that weren’t strong enough to sting you, i’d dig up sand crabs until an event that made me not like that anymore, i LOVED kelp and kelp forests, i loved how BIG fish got underwater, it was all so intuitive!! i loved boats, how they worked, how they used to work when they had sails, i loved exploring boats on the pretense of seasickness, i loved the concept of being underwater and yet dry, investigating submarines (but not wanting to live on them) was amazing, i loved being near the ocean, on the pier, watching the surf, getting too cold, i loved diving into the water and the resignation of feeling grit in your hair when you get out, i loved diving into waves, i loved feeling graceful, i love feeling razor-sharp. i wanted to move like a fish, i wanted to be as cold as the sharks, the same texture as the bat rays, to chase down the colorful trpocal fish, to travel, to feel warm water, cool water but always have a soft spot in my cold little heart for the california oceans, the kelp forests and the abalone and the garibaldi and the deep green oceans of the pacific. in the intervening time i’ve seen the cliffs in the northern california shores, spun much more human-centric tales of stranded seagoers and marine biologists climbing down the cliffs. when i learned marine biology involved a lot more tanks and tubing than it did cold water, i resigned myself to it. it was fine, i would learn to do it, i did a summer internship-type thing in middle school. it was freezing i was allergic to my fleece and my hands froze and i didn’t know my hands would get so stiff. i was cold and wet and hated it. a fact about me is that i dont keep my heat i was freezing, miserable, snappish, and i just wanted to see a damn rock pool, not look at bubbling tanks of krill. i almost wanted to be a marine biologist, but by the time i was in high school, i knew the cold was bad for me, so i wanted to be a biologist. wall-e sold me on the good green growing things, on the soil and the fall of pebbles. and then i contemplated bio research. there was genomics, which i cared about because of jurassic park, and there were plants, which i didn’t much care for (i now realize because i was allergic to them. im not allergic to marine life.). i latched onto my other interests at the time, which were judaism and animal husbandry. and then social justice (which is a great hyperfixation for my mental health, especially when combining in jewish studies with a focus on the shoah. it’s great. fantastic. lovely). but goats and chickens are wonderful and warm, dumb as rocks, bless their hearts, but good and solid and now i know, conceptually, a hell of a lot about goats, sheep, chickens, and to a certain extent, cows. and to a much lesser extent, horses. definitely ponies, but not at all almost anything about horses.

satin: what never fails to make you happy?

listening to upbeat music i know the words to is THE defining depression pick-me-up of my life atm. the shrek 2 soundtrack, for example, completely unironically, which i rediscovered (aside from the fairy godmother’s song bc that never leaves me) today, accidentally in love is SUCH a good song. but like two of hearts, hold me now, i wanna dance with somebody, december 1963, you cant hurry love, africa, getting the chance to do late-night dance parties in the kitchen to my music this year has been SO good, dancing to two of hearts in the kitchen while everyone holds a spatula and you’re surrounded by people you like, even if it’s a little nervously, it’s SUCH a good experience. i love music. it’s so good. the tarzan soundtrack is also extremely good.

matte: what is something you are proud of?

every time someone accuses me of having made cursed content, i feel SO happy and proud. it’s a lil like the thrill of a recipe you didn’t think was going to work working!! im also proud of myself for all the times i went to class this month, and im proud of the first AAS midterm i got back today!