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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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A big part of the Haikyuu rewatch is watching the characters interact and worrying that I fandomized their relationships too much in my head, particularly with the Karasuno first years because Hinata and Kags keep Yamaguchi and Tsukishima at arm’s length for so long. But then I remember. Oh wait the squad is literally Hinata’s phone background by the end of the story. You don’t put a picture of just some dudes in your after school club as your phone background.
#ane discovers character development takes time who wouldve thought#personally I think wthe change happens when Yachi and Tsuki start tutoring them#It’s around the time that there’s a shift in their bickering so that it’s more. ‘familial’ isnt the term I’m looking for but like#the kind of razzing you can only do with someone you know#Tsukishima for example starts bringing up specific things they studied together to dunk on Kageyama not remembering any of it#And another subtle thing I noticed- cause again I started going like ? did I fandomize my entire perception of Tadashi too much?#cause for the first season he doesn’t interact with ANYONE but Tsuki. Like practically not at all except to brag about Tsuki to others#But I have a sneaking suspicion that this starts to change around the time that he starts getting on the court more often as a pinch server#Probably because it gives him more courage#Cause I remember him having a lot to say in the Shiratorizawa match#and I remember him getting along with Yachi! So like I’m keeping an eye out for those changes#haikyuu!!#Also my favorite part about rewatching Haikyuu is how the reveal of Kag’s backstory really does affect. Your entire perception of him#Like I know its probably cause he’s my fav but I always feel so frustrated when people assume the worst of him and so sad that even Oikawa-#who knew him back when he was a very happy and shy kid- doesn’t even question why his personality had such a sudden shift#but then I realize that the only reason I’m so aware of these changed is because Kageyama has ‘opened up to me’ as an audience member befor#Furudate waited hundreds off chapters to tell us that he’s been grieving a loved onesince a little before the very first scene of the manga#So that it would feel like we earned it#Idk how to explain it like when you meet someone who’s hurting it takes a lot of effort and patience for them to tell you why#in the same way bc we stuck by the story for so long and watching Kageyama learn to be more open#we got the privilege of learning why he was closed off in the same place#but Kageyama didnt give anyone at his old school the chance to stick around- not Kindaichi or Kunimi or anyone#So it makes total sense#kageyama tobio#hinata shouyou#yamaguchi tadashi#tsukishima kei#yachi hitoka#karasuno first years#my post
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realizing that communication actually doesnt matter as much as ppl say it does, bc most ppl glorify it and see it as a magical solution when in fact communicating your feelings/wants/needs only work if other ppl are receptible to it. which... most ppl arent, both bc many dont want to bc it requires too much effort of them and it's easier to shift blame on others not "communicating", but also bc many many ppl just have brains that arent wired to understand others, or other viewpoints and perspectives. thus, no level of communication will make someone who isnt capable of receiving it hear you. most efforts to "communicate" are completely wasted. and it's frustrating, but what can u do?
#one of my main examples of this is...#i clearly stated in the beginning of someone expressing potential interest in me#that i have feelings for someone and i cant help that or do anything abt and its just how it is#but that person continued to call me stupid for not just stopping my feelings for my person#thats just an example *i* FEEL is obvious#even if u tell someone or warn someone or give someone a head ups#if they arent capable of comprehending it or you... it wont matter#they will still hurt / punish / get mad at u for not being what they want#so yeah... makes me wanna scream#humans are just too much fkn pain in the ass </3#i barely even see the point in being upfront or direct or honest anymore#it doesnt even fucking matter bc apparently most ppl are fkn incapable of hearing u 😒#i've always thought it so important to be considerate to others#not waste their time... not give them fair warnings etc etc#but more and more i feel like 9/10 they just fkn lash out on u anyway#maybe i should just be sketchy and dodgy and vague distant and detached and avoidant like everyone else is#and just protect myself and my own selfish desires and needs and wishes. everyone else does that.#i just am not wired to look at ppl and see what they can give me or what i can use them for#thats why i often am just upfront and honest. i dont see ppl as merchandise or their sole purpose being to serve me and my needs#im just a human and theyre a human and we have a mutual thing going#but no. nooooo. thats how *i* work. i've learned that now#most (not all but far too many im tired) look at others and automatically calculate how they can use them#what they can get out of talking to u. what they can take and get from u. how to make u act the way they want to#idk where im going with this.... uh. i just dont see the point in communicating. ppl dont listen..#bc they dont want to cummincate. they want u to shut up and act like the marionette they see u as. they dont wanna hear u out or understand#they want u to just behave and act how they tell u. thus communicating is a total waste of energy 9/10 times#like .. for example on here. i can put like warning im mentally ill in my bio. but ppl will still be personally affeonted when i act that#way to myself ... most ppl just are not capable of listening to others or processing the fact that others dont exist for them#it doesnt matter how much u try to be honest or direct or upfront bc they dont care. they dont hear it. they wont adjust or respect u.#so why even bother communicating? or warn? or be direct? none of that even makes a lick of difference its so futile
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i keep thinking about a phandom book club, but i have no idea how to go about organizing it or if anyone would be interested or even where to host it
alternatively is there already a phandom book club i could join? because i would love that
#tbh my first thought is TheStoryGraph bc they have group/buddy reads but idk if anyone else uses that much#there's discord (which im not super familiar with even though i have used it)#or making a separate community here#or i guess fable but i truly dont know how anything works over there#plus like... yes there's a few names i can think of who might be in but overall idk!#and i dont want to put pressure on anybody either#i am terrible at reaching out and staying in contact and all that. always have been. even though i think about people all the time#im just not very good socially and im so worried about coming across a certain way or saying the wrong thing#so more often i keep to myself and i think sometimes i come across like i dont care or standoffish or something#but that's not it. i care so much i just get scared that it's too much or in the wrong ways.#im better at hiding but i know i need to get over it. its just hard.#(and i tell myself you know..#'not feeling lonely i just like being alone' but it's less true than i like to think it is#ANYWAY feelings dump aside i think a book club would be fun. i just dont know how to go about it.#ks talks
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Is Will a sneakerhead or does he not care whatsoever what shoes he wears?
ooooh i’m assuming since you specified will in particular that you maybe came here from another post or because of something we said in the fic, but we have indeed made our will byers a little bit of a shoe guy!! i would definitely not call him a sneakerhead in the traditional sense — in that we don’t think he cares much for collecting them for trading/value purposes or anything like that, and i don’t think he is too knowledgeable about collections’ histories and whatnot — but he definitely is very interested in them and i think they are an article of clothing that he would take real pleasure in finding rare and interesting pieces for!! the camp whiteman attire is white sneakers only, so unfortunately he does not get to showcase this often during the summer, but we included a couple of pieces we think are very him in this moodboard (especiallyyyyy the bowie sneakers which have been on my acswy will moodboard FOREVERRRR) and i think they are a fun way for him to express himself stylistically. we also made our mike wheeler a little bit of a Jacket Guy in the same sense — not really to collect to sell or anything like that, but i think they would both be ecstatic to find unique pieces for themselves at places like vintage stores or secondhand online and to show them off (like mike with pins on his jackets for example)
anyways to answer your question: definitely not a traditional sneakerhead, but he absolutely Does care
#i have started to feel this way about bags recently so that might be a road i go down in the future#but anyways like !!! just one of those little character details we came up w tht unfortunately we can’t work into this fic too much bc of#their uniforms and such#but it is very important to us#i think also shoes and sneakers particularly are a very practical item of clothing#not like for example if you’re into collecting smth you can’t wear or use often#so i think for him it’s an interest that he can also get use out of year-round and can still be really cool and expressive#he also got a pair of sneakers he’d been eyeing from his parents for his 17th bday and to me that is what really kickstarted the interest#if you care.#asks#acswy reference
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i've been dead and gone bc of school and jobsearching and everything happening all at once but ive been playing the boktai series games lately and i'm enjoying it a lot. I just got past the third boss in boktai 2. I don't know why but i'm enthralled with these games, i highly recommend them
#WOE TEN THOUSAND TAG MUSINGS BE UPON YE (this is a warning)#boktai#(pointing) the battle network fan has fallen for the crossover marketing 20 years late#the first gif is bc i imagine the bosses waiting all polite like for django to finish eating healing items when heal scumming in fights.#twenty apples a day keeps the damage away#django is like a son to me hes just a little guy#if the text is hard to read in the third image it says “The tick damage in sunlight brothers”#i find it funny that vampire django still gains his energy from sunlight after turning. his voiceline changes too#it's hard to tell if it's bc hes supposed to sound gruff or like hes in pain. but it makes me feel bad for recharging energy like that#i figure he'd be wound up abt this since it seems he views any connection to his father with a lot of weight#(e.x: zazie pointing out he's crying just after the gun del sol got stolen at the start of 2)#hence why he's depressed in that image#also all the official art of him looks very cool but im incapable of seeing him like that his sprite makes him look like a scruffy dog#im torn between thinking it's cute nd wanting to make fun of him with doodles. least typical vampire appearance with the most typical power#the way you kill immortals (vampires) in this game is so metal i need to rant abt it Somewhere#so like boktai is a game series abt vampire hunting but it's rather sci-fi abt it. instead of more typical weapons you use solar energy#the immortals resurrect after being killed#but this can be prevented via purification. the way this goes is#after winning a bossfight the enemy will get sealed in a coffin. that you then to drag allll the way back outside the dungeon#(often with new puzzles thanks to the coffin being an extra weight)#all the while the immortal inside tries to escape#the objective is to get the immortal to a. summoning circle i guess?#housing devices called pile drivers. they're more like lenses or mirrors though.#they focus sunrays on the coffin purifying the immortal after a brief fight that's like#preventing the boss from attacking the pile drivers until it dies#like. this doesn't sound all that special but most bosses you fight are sentient and i just think it's a bit of a brutal method#for a main protagonist to use#i keep thinking of how it must feel to do it for a living. something like a funeral driver but you're the murderer and the corpse isn't dea#and instead of a funeral you're taking them to a mega death laser array that'll slowly chip away at their health#and then boktai 2 inflicts that on django and im like. is he ok (he's ok but he died)
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post-beginning of accomplice ending [anime/ova timeline, so after the burning but long before souji leaves inaba] where souji & the IT are met up at junes still trying to figure out the "real culprit" but souji's phone rings & he looks down & sees its adachi & his brows raise then knit & he looks conflicted for a moment & he quietly excuses himself & the others just assume its dojima calling about nanakos condition or asking him to run an errand so they dont rly give it a second thought, sure ok souji.
but after Quite a long while, souji's still not back & whereas the others are engrossed in talking abt namatame with naoto, it rly nags at yosuke bc he has a bad feeling... what if souji's still not back bc he received some rly bad news? did he have to leave & forgot to tell them? so he tells the others hes gonna go look for souji & see if hes alright or whatever
so he gets up & looks around junes in some of the quieter corners nearby until he spots the bathroom & hes like huh. i wonder if he took his call in the bathroom? or maybe he had to go afterward. so he decides to peek his head in (it's stalls, so theres a sink/open area) & hes abt to say soujis name to see if hes in 1 of the stalls (would be creepy to look down & lean a little to see the shoes in the stalls, after all. & what if he gets the wrong person who just has similar shoes?), but then he hears a choked sound that sounds ODDLY familiar... but, what—
& then he hears it again, this time a bit different. it's more a whimper or smth of that nature... alongside some quiet sound of skin. & he'd recognize his partner's voice Anywhere. was he... in here...??! & he gets flusters for a second bc the reality of walking in on his partner doing smth like that is- i-is... & what sort of phone call couldve led to this? was the phone call a Ruse to get him to leave & have some private time to do... this? his head was too scrambled... & yu sounds far better than he had any right to. he could hardly think abt the implications of the warm feeling in his stomach at the sound of his partner's noises.
but thats when he hears it. souji letting out a strangled hiss of "adachi-san, i—" & his blood goes absolutely cold.
#GET PSUEDO-NTRED BOY ! 💥💥💥 to clear up any confusion adachi called souji to do phone s*x w him. exact details r left up to u.#there was also a ver of this where adachi was there ACTUALLY fucking him but then i realized he could get in trouble for s*x with a minor#whereas this way its kind of left vague whether or not yu was getting off to the THOUGHT of adachi or if adachi was on the phone w him.#but the latter is rly implied to yosuke bc of the phone call. bc why would souji randomly go to get off in the middle of a serious meeting.#anime name used since this is Specifically the anime timeline. 'why?' u ask. the burning happens at an earlier date there.#like the mental idea went phone s*x -> oh wait theyre in inaba what if he walks in on them ACTUALLY fucking -> no wait hed get arrested ok#phone s*x it is then. we've come full fuckin circle boys !#uhhh hm this is a longer post than normal maybe i should have a Writes tag? nnnot that i.. that i write often nor is this a Fic.. uh..#my writes#overgrowth.text#suggestive text#adashu#adasou#theres souyo here too but shhh its getting overridden by Fuckass Adashu. but the souyo is very much There. yosuke loves him. whether or not#souji felt anything for yosuke before abandoning everyone to ally w adachi is up to u. maybe he knew yosuke wouldnt admit his feelings.#i say pseudo-ntr bc soujis getting taken from him by some weird gross adult but they werent dating wompwomp. not true ntr. yea yea boo me.
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moodboard: fred x wesley
#fred x wesley#angel#angel the series#ats#atsedit#my moodboards#ill be real i did feel very basic but im sorry i couldnt help myself. i fkn loved these two#teh angst and pining and just the cuteness was too much. sdfghjk yeah <333#just the care !!!#also ive had mid left image saved for Ages. and just havent found a good ship fror them. so finally here we are. feels good to use it lmfao#this show was a mess. and tbh i kinda cnat belive i watched it all. what a way to spend a depressive episode#but anyways. my kids my loves <33#aso utting btm right and left in the same mb.... yes i did indeed hurt my own heart doing that#altho i guess they are both dead by the end. but wes being dead is v diff bc its right at the end u know#its like anya being dead. finale deaths often dont register in my brain tbh
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max mayfield and mike wheeler same person but the difference is an avoidant attachment style vs an anxious one
#stranger things#byler#mike wheeler#max mayfield#madwheeler#in case it isn't obvious I think max is avoidant and mike is anxious#I feel like mike doesn't immediately look like an anxious attachment person bc the show is trying to avoid giving us his emotions#so he's not constantly up people's ass like “do u hate me?🥺”#but I ultimately feel like “needs constant reassurance and takes small things personally” is sooo mike wheeler#and he does actually often seek reassurance but only really from will bc that's the only person he feels safe enough to do that with#and he's not avoidant bc he never really. pushes away intimacy actually. (aside from the airport hug)#he might not initiate if he's feeling insecure about how the relationship is or whatever but he won't actually shut it down#whereas max absolutely goes out of her way to push people away when they get too close bc she's worried they'll leave first
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on that subject, obsessed with today when i was like "hey guys, can you two stop playing the jumping game for now because it's giving caden a headache" and my 6 yr old cousin is like "you mean 'me'. it's giving 'me' a headache, because your caden". it's like yeah man ur right. my bad . and then they stopped jumping. it was awesome
#the thing is like. the jumping hurt my headright away#but i let them do it for a while before they told them to stop. and then they did#and i think thats part of it too. for somw things you have to wait and let kids have whay they want for a while before swooping in and#asking for them to stop#so they dont feel super controlled#and like. as an autistic person I HAVE TO DO THAT ANYWAY USUALLY#there's so many adult people out there who i have to put up witj their noises because i KNOW if i ask for them to stop theyll get mad#or even on a lesser extent. like as an autistic person w my sorta issues. you have to a let a lot of things go that are genuenly painful#and stressful. bc if u ask people to do things too much they often get upset. even if theyre overall nice#same with kids#but with kids you get to ask them to stop way more and you get to ask earlier than you would with most adults#like. ill be trying to put up with somethinf and struggling and get to the ppont where im visibly shaking and stuttering and on the verge#of tears#and the mere request of 'could you turn the tv ofd#still gets whole ass adults telling me im entitled and bossy#meanwhile child will hear 'thats making me feel bad' and theyll hear that and theyll think about it#and often times theyll stop#and even when they dont they dont insult you!#and people still say little kids are annoying????#when i tell a little kid 'could you turn the sound off on the video game or take it to another room the sounds its making are upsetting me#they LISTEN.#adults have a strong tendency to#use the ironicallt imature logic of ' i like this thing. so it dosent matter if it is upsetting you. i like it so i want to have it. even#though we are in a shared space together. i wont change what im doing because i want to do the thing i like. and thats more important than#not upsetting you. because doing the thing i like makes ME feel good.'#like. litterallt this mindset is easily more promient in adults than small children 100% . on god#and its just about the most childish thing ever.#its understandable. but its immature#and with something this simple its silly people cant let that go. its not complex at all. its stop making noise it is hurting me. easy
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Small drawing collection of my latest creation Emran as a teenager/freshly minted Air Acolyte, for my dear partner in unhinged OC shenanigans @katkastrofa, as promised <3
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original character#I need to figure out a way to tag these guys#like with renny and dori I just put sotrl in front of their names and that works#but emran is technically an LaF character. though not uniquely tied to that verse. and idk what to do with Ila and Alasie#maybe I need to have some unique oc tag or smth. I’ll figure it out#if you’re wondering why I stayed up until half past 7 a.m to draw this it’s because I needed some way to cool down#after the kuviren smut absolutely broke my brain#and what better way to do that than by drawing my sweet baby boy?#yes lmao he went from baby girl to baby boy in like 24 hours. fucking sue me#but actually. actually!! they’re both. they contain multitudes :)#they probably haven’t even realised that at this point and are still in disguise#convinced that she’ll be punished for her deceit if anyone found out that she’s actually a girl#(okay off topic but the switching pronouns are really fun lmao)#but give them time. they’ll figure it out soon enough. in these pieces they’re slowly getting used to temple life#and that is the first step to self acceptance#I’m actually extremely proud of these. especially the one with the apple basket. I feel like the androgynous vibes are really there#and he looks like his brother the most in it#but the others are fun too. I loved doing the portrait. I should do them more often#and.. I will admit. I traced the lemur. I can barely draw people okay how do you expect me to draw animals#but I just think that Aiza would really love a little lemur friend#animals don’t judge and she doesn’t have to watch herself around them. she can just be. plus the lemurs are really cute <3#I want to eventually do a companion to this with Aiza instead. maybe from back before she ran away#probably something based on reflection from Mulan too bc the vibes are there. though.. to be completely honest#I’d say they have a lot more of Shurochka Azarova’s vibes than Mulan. but that’s just my love for Soviet cinema taking over#it’s essentially if mulan fought napoleon instead. and when discovered instead of left to die they promoted her to lieutenant 😁#I realise the comparison is completely incomprehensible to everyone but me but.. go watch the hussar ballad. it’s free on YouTube with subs#okay enough rambling. i shall now go to bed. @ Kat I hope this brightens up your morning at least somewhat. I love you!!
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i think my brain should be studied i'm being fr
#surely this isn't normal#my dreams are like a portal to another life#sometimes i dream about the next day in advance#like with full details. and i often plan lessons in my sleep#sometimes i dream up entire stories with full fledged characters and backstories and intricate plot points etc#last night i dreamt up not just one but about ten such episodes#in the same night i also dreamt that i started taking T and had sex with a random girl and then had. a kinky adventure with dean winchester#(i love being ace about also this dream sex was pretty nice!)#i'm not gonna tell all the stories bc we would be here all day but#there were a Lot of different stories in my dream#full stories that all felt like they happened over the course of days or weeks or months or years in some cases#god i met so many different people in one night and they don't even exist#how i am expected to function properly when my head is so full of memories from lives i never lived but also kind of did#i feel like there's a hundred different universes in my memories and they're all from dreams but they all feel super real#like oh yeah remember that time i was part of a forest dwelling society that started gaining powers and we all thought they were#evil powers but it turns out the forest had given us the ability to communicate with it and to fly and to heal#or oh yeah i traveled the world once and then on my way back i had to cheat customs that wanted to charge me an exorbitant amount of money#for my luggage#by jumping down the luggage slide and travelling with the luggage#or oh yeah i was on T once and actually lost my T pills in a swamp but i dug around and ended up finding them#and i started to grow facial hair after like a week#like stoooop that's too many lives to live#every single night i go through another portal and live a whole ass life#rain.stuff#rain.dreams
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Not sure if I'm sabotaging my relationship or not but I feel like I'm in the right ? Perhaps ?
#personal#basically we're long distance but I couldn't see him on a weekend because of unavoidable circumstance#we were going to go to his friends wedding but I couldn't make it.#but hes been sending me photos of my empty seat next to his at the venue#and telling me constantly that I would've loved it#so I took issue with it bc i wasnt enjoying that#and he's gone into panic mode and thinks I'm accusing him of being a 4D chess manipulator#and low-key he kind of is. Unconsciously I think but still manipulative.#he uses the whole 'woe is me' and 'I'm just a terrible useless creature pls pity me' bit way too often.#if we have a slightly uncomfortable conversation he will stop engaging with me and try to distract by telling me he loves me.#like literally 'so what do you think?' ... '[laughs nervously] I love you :'')...' imagine that being the only response he gives for an hour#so I've called him out on his difficulty with sincerity and he's just doubling down on the 'pls pity me' stuff and frankly...#i really don't like it#the wedding thing was kind of nothing but his reaction to it was telling#pulling out the whole 'I am horrified you'd think that' guilt-tripping nonsense#followed immediately by 'you overestimate my intelligence if you think im capable of that :'')' pity party.#just. not promising. not good vibes.#to elaborate on the wedding bit: I made the decision that I couldn't make it bc of a busy work week.#he assured me several times that it was okay if I couldn't make it but he stopped messaging for a day after I told him I couldn't#then sent me a photo of my empty seat with a crying emoji and telling me that he wishes I was there and that i would've really loved it#that's not a message sent with the intent to make me feel good is it?#idk reading this back it sounds like an overreaction from me but with the context of my experience with him this is not an isolated thing#it's kind of perpetually like this. then when called out on it he pulls out the love-bombing but doesn't address the actual issue.#idk. idk.#if anyone wants to engage with this post feel free. Any outsider perspective would be welcome.
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something i love discussing with others is the different ways people experience kin bc its so interesting the vastness of how everyones personal experiences with it can be. i really dont get people that will be like "kin is only ever LIKE THIS! everyone else is fake!" or trying to act like people with kin past lives (or anyone that "takes kinning too seriously") are crazy. like just!!! how do yall not enjoy the vast and unique experiences of other people!! how do they not fascinate you!!! its INSANE to me
#that being said i dont interact in kin spaces very heavily after i left this one large kin discord server#while i dont miss that (drained too much energy + too many chances for drama)#(or general issues just from kin being so personal and thus discomfort when peoples canons have things that clash with others canons)#but i do kinda miss seeing more about how other people experience kin stuff#and discussing what its like for me more often#also i see sometimes people criticizing the terminology people sometimes use about kinning?#even like the term ''kinning'' bc ppl will say ''its not an action you do!''#and they treat it like people that use terms like that are the kind that kin “wrong'' and act like kin is just ''i relate to this character#but like. kin IS very important and significant for me!#i may not know the exact details of HOW i kin- like theyre not past lives for me but i still AM the characters#i have kin memories sometimes but they dont feel like past lives#n kin itself is very important to me- but trying to figure out what exactly it is if its not past lives isnt important#like idk the functionality of it i just feel it. and acknowledge the feelings. you know#and i just learned kin stuff through people who are more casual with the concept and the terminology used#n just. idk. im tired rambling.#i love how differently everyone can kin regardless of how big or small it is for them or the ways they experience it#i think we should appreciate other ppls different experiences more
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#i love typing thoughts like this it feels somehow better than typing it in the body of the text LOL#anyway#while i'm on break i neeed to research on writing romance bc i am Lacking in that department and wanna make my romance oneshots better#i never know if it sounds correct#me and the phrase 'face flushed/felt warm' 🤝#i use that one way too often#but also my face does genuinely feel warm around people i like soo uhhh who knows
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I think the funny thing about my being a youth leader is that I basically just Hang Out with a bunch of middle schoolers. like I just pal around with them and play games and then sit down and ramble at the youth pastor when it's time to discuss the Biblical topic of the night and somehow this has charmed like half a dozen of them into considering me A Cool Person despite the fact that I'm actually Introverted And Awkward at all times
#actually part of my goal in youth leadership is to show that like... you don't HAVE to be all together and chill#like when I was in youth group (briefly bc I was only in a location where it was an option for like 6 months tbh)#all the youth leaders — especially the female ones — seemed so Cool and Calm and Put Together ALL THE TIME#and it made me (frumpy and 16 and trying so hard to make friends) feel REALLY inadequate and insecure#and like I still have to work through the insecurity that caused in me!! bc the girls a few years older than me#who were youth leaders all seemed so CALM and RESPECTABLE and MATURE#and I STILL don't act like that! and I'm certainly not cool and calm and put together skskfndksnf#so I just want to like... not hide my awkwardness too much with these kids. not try to project Coolness or Looking Put Together#because I want them to see that like... they're fine just how they are? I want to be an example of what it looks like#when you're NOT the naturally calm and organized kind of person! when you're Awkward and Loud and Goofy and Hyper sometimes#because if you're following God then that stuff really doesn't matter. He made us a certain way and that's fine#idk. I think about this every so often again though akdkdkfnsk#Lu rambles
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