#bc i dislike the idea of being single to a probably-too-close degree to how much i dislike being in a relationship that makes me unhappy

[angeltism]

I keep realizing I often like the idea of being in love more than actually . . . being in love . No idea what this means but Hey Yeah that's a realization . I guess .

[littledonkeyburrito]

I like hotdogs but only the shitty ones

1. Do you have a garden shed in your backyard? I do not have a backyard

2. Who is the tallest person you know and how tall are they? I don’t know who is tallest but I think I know a few that are ~6′4″

3. What was your lowest mark on your previous report card? That was like 6 years ago. I have no idea.

4. What are you listening to? I think a neighbour is vacuuming. 

5. What year are you/did you graduate? 2011

6. Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? Diet. Most diet soft drink tastes the same as regular to me so I may as well just not have the sugar.

7. Do you like seafood? I didn’t much as a kid, but I do now. Prawns are so damn good.

8. Are you craving anything right now? Sex tbh

9. Do you dress appropriately for your age? Nah honestly I kinda dress like a kid

10. Can you speak any other languages? I can get by in spanish

11. If McDonalds sold hot dogs, would you buy them? No. I like hotdogs but only the shitty ones at the zoo or an amusement park. For some reason, those are essential to the zoo/park experience for me.

12. How long is your hair? Not very. But needs a trim fairly soon or it’ll start curling into my ears which is The Most Annoying Stage of hair growth. 13. Do you like your neighbors? Don’t know them well but they seem cool.

14. What was your first pets name? What, are you trying to get the answers to my security questions?

15. What do you remember most when you were 10? I went to Europe for a month with my Dad and brother.

16. What teacher did all the high school boys/girls have a crush on? Mr Hayes.

17. Where do you see yourself in a year? Who the fuck knows? Preferably not dead

18. If you were able to change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would have better skin

19. Do you hate your weight? No, I am a good weight.

20. Have you ever stepped on a snail? Not on purpose.

21. Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Just gimme potato in any form other than gnocci

22. Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? No, I’m pretty specific about my socks. Gotta be crew cut.

23. Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? Spiderman Homecoming but I plan on seeing Thor Ragnarok tomorrow

24. Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Obviously. Have you met me? I fucking love travelling and backpacking.

25. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend?  Friend. But I can make do. Group tours or hostels are great for making new travel friends.

26. Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? I only wear shorts as pyjamas. And I don’t usually wear my pyjamas all day. I used to, but not anymore bc I get antsy if I don’t have a shower and get changed every day. Probably a good thing tbh, gives me at least some kind of routine.

27. What state were you born in? T’was not a state but a county and I have no idea what that county is called.

28. Do you think Disney World could ever get old? If I went to the same one often enough, yes.

29. If you could, would you hookup with the last person you messaged?  No

30. What are your favorite things to spend money on? TRAVEL

31. What do you usually order on a pizza? I used to have a standard order from dominos back in aus but they changed the menu not long before I left. Since being in Europe, I have never gotten a takeaway pizza. I usually cook/eat whatever I have at home.

32. Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? I am single.

33. Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? Maggie

34. Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Puppy. But I am not a position to be getting any pet because I move around too much.

35. How old will you be on your next birthday?
 24

36. What color are your underwear? Light purple, like a lavender colour.

37. What is the average number of customers that stop by where you work? I don’t currently have a job, and my old job didn’t really have customers. 38. When you are having a bath, do you have the water low, medium, or high? It has been years since I’ve had a bath. I used to always have the water low but I’d have preferred it higher.

39. Do you know anyone who pronounces ‘ketchup’ with ‘catsup’? I thought that was just a thing Mr Burns said in that one episode of the simpsons. Do people actually say it like that? 40. What makes a person physically beautiful to you? Well I guess I gotta describe my type here. Tall, brown eyes, dark hair, tanned skin. Obvs other people are beautiful too but if you got this then you’re already a step ahead of the pack for me. Although I get that I just described like half of the world’s population. 41. Would you rather have a hospital become a church, or vice versa? Need more hospitals, less churches. 42. Would you miss winter if it never came back? Why or why not? Yes because SKIING

43. Does bad weather ruin your day? Why or why not? No. Even when I get drenched and cold from rain I figure it’s still an experience and I try to make it amusing for myself instead of just plain shit. 44. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? Well I started at uni with the intention of becoming one. I don’t know what specifically changed my mind but after my first semester (of an adjacent degree) I decided vet wasn’t for me. Then dropped out of uni completely after my second semester. 45. When you read 'bass’ just now, was it read like the fish or the instrument? Instrument.

46. What would you like a pint of right now? It could be anything. I’m already drinking beer so I guess another 47. What is one thing that the Titanic has taught you? To never sit through another shitty 3 hour movie again.  48. Are you avoiding correspondence with anyone you actually like? If so, why? Yeah I’m still waiting to see how long it’ll take him to message me first. It’s been like 5 days now. I’m starting to think I should take a hint.

49. When I say cricket, do you picture the insect or the sport first? Insect

50. If you were ever to be famous, how would you want your signature to look? I would probably have my public signature be my initials and keep my normal one for documents and stuff 51. What are two things you usually do with ice? Cool down my drinks and...??? 52. Describe your last history teacher in one sentence. I never took history

53. If you had to only use either shampoo or conditioner, which would it be? My hair is too short and gets greasy too quickly for me to use conditioner so I haven’t used it in like a year or two. So, shampoo.

54. If two countries had to switch languages, which two countries should it be? England should speak hindi so they can gain some perspective and stop being whiny little bitches. India speaks some english anyway so not that big a difference for them. 55. Do you budget when you go grocery shopping? Why or why not? No because I only buy what I need to buy. It costs however much it costs.

56. Who was the last person that borrowed money from you? My dad kept some of the money from selling my car for a while. I guess that counts.

57. The last message you sent to someone else - what did it say? "Looking for work like:” and then a picture of the sent folder from my emails which were all identical emails with my resume attached.

58. Would you be prepared to do a job that you didn’t like, if it paid well? Depends on how much I don’t like it. I can deal with mediocre for the money but if it’s absolute shit like that telemarketing job then nah probs not. Although even then it would depend on how much money we’re talking.

59. How long have you known the last person you messaged? It was 2 people and I have known them for 9 and 10 years.

60. Is there anyone on your Facebook friends list that you dislike? Why do you dislike them? Not actively dislike, but there’s a few I’m indifferent to and could probably delete.

61. What exactly did you eat for your last meal? Have you any idea what you’ll be eating your next meal? I had a baked potato with chicken, chorizo, capsicum, corn and sweet chilli sauce. Next meal will probably be cereal or spicy noodles tomorrow depending on whether I have breakfast

62. When will you next go for a night out? Ah who knows

63. Have you ever said that you’d never do something, and then done it? Almost definitely.

64. When did you last speak to one of your siblings? What did you talk about? I think I emailed my brother a week or so ago about people at work (he now works at the company that I worked at before I left aus)

65. Have you ever been told you’ve punched someone in your sleep? No..?

66. When can you legally go to an American bar? A couple of years ago

67. Could you go out in public looking like you do now? I could but I’d prefer to change my oversized jumper for a jacket.

68. Have you ever taken dance lessons? What kind? When I was a little kid I did ballet and apparently I was really good at it. When I was ~5 I entered a competition called the Eisteddfords and I got gold in the under 8′s category.

69. Do you think you get enough physical activity each day, or not? Not even close. Most days I don’t even leave my apartment because I have nothing to do.

70. Does you house have air conditioning, or do you use a bunch of fans? AC

71. Do you prefer liquor or beer?  Depends on my mood. Sometimes beer, sometimes rum and coke.

72. Are you excited for winter? Yes, but so far I have not enjoyed the cooler weather as much as I usually do and I’m not sure why. 73. Do you ever think about what your life will be like when you’re your parents’ age? I really don’t.

74. What would you do if you and the last person you kissed got pregnant? My body has already established that I am not pregnant (slight relief) but if I was I would panic and message a couple of friends and probably organise for an abortion. I suppose I’d have to tell him about it too and let him have a say but I don’t think there’s any way I’d let him talk me into having a kid.

75. Do you ever drunk dial? No, but every now and then I drunk message.

76. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Okay so the guy in Panama, right. We were at a bar and met up with one of his friends, a colombian guy. We were chatting and I mentioned that while in Colombia I never tried the Bandeja Paisa (national dish) because it’s massive and I was never hungry enough. He was almost horrified that I hadn’t tried it. He then found out that it was my last day in central america so he made a couple of phone calls and changed all of their plans. Originally panama guy was going to go back to the friend’s place and stay there for a few days before he flew back home. Instead, the three of us went and picked up the friend’s wife, drove out to their place an hour out of the city, while we each drank several beers, so they could shower and get changed. We then drove back to the city and went to a colombian place for dinner so I could try that dish. We then hung out in a bar for a few hours and drank and played pool and then panama guy stayed with me in my hotel for my last night.  Literally, this guy that I’d never met before changed all of his plans, without prompting, so that his friend could spend one more night with a girl (me).That was pretty cool. I also never mentioned anything to this guy about me and panama guy being together so clearly panama guy had briefed him beforehand.

77. What was your last alcoholic beverage? I am currently drinking beer.

78. Are you an emotional person? Not at all. 

79. Can you dance? I can’t. Also, when a latino guy asks if you can dance and you say no and he asks you why not, apparently “because I’m white” isn’t actually an acceptable answer and it will just confuse him. I confused a few boys in panama/colombia.

80. What’s your instagram? madz3694

81. Do you accept all of your friend requests on Facebook? Usually. But not if it’s someone I don’t know or someone I really don’t like.

82. What happened last night? I played some mass effect and then went to bed.

83. Do you find it annoying when others fake being ‘high’ or ‘drunk’? Okay so I immediately know that this was written by a teenager.

84. What’s the last video game you played? Mass effect

85. Are you in your pajamas at the moment? No.

86. Is your birth year an odd number? No

87. Do you ever say “FAIL” when people mess up? What is this, 2009?

88. What do you think about your cousins? A couple of them are overly christian but I don’t see them often. My little cousin Jimmy is a rad kid, he’s my fave. My little step-cousins are slightly moody but still alright kids.

89. How often would you say you take naps? When I travel, at every opportune moment. At home, almost never.

90. What are you wearing? Jeans, long sleeve shirt with an oversized jumper. Socks and shoes because my feet were cold so I haven’t taken them off since I went to the shops earlier.

91. Do you get yelled at for not using the little drink coasters? I live alone. Who tf is gonna yell at me?

92. What will your next buy be? Probably a movie ticket tomorrow to see Thor.

93. Can you sleep through thunderstorms? Better than when there’s no storm.

94. What does it take to get you out of bed early (before 9 am)? My alarm. But of course I’m not going to set an alarm unless I have a reason to be out of bed early.

95. Ever spent the night in a tent? A few times, yeah

96. Is it ever okay for a woman to ask out a man? Yeah of course it is

97. Where do you call home?  Currently, my apartment in Spain. But I still refer to my “home city” (Brisbane) and my “home town” (town my dad still lives in)

98. Have you ever been IN a wedding? No, but I have to pick up a thing from the post office tomorrow and I get the feeling it’s going to be a letter from my engaged friends asking me to be a groomsman. They can’t stand the idea of me wearing a dress so they don’t want me to be a bridesmaid.

99. Have you ever been covered in mud? So there’s this inactive volcano near Cartagena in Colombia that essentially a big ol mud pit. But it’s really bouyant so you float and physically cannot sink even if you try. It’s pretty cool and I went there while I was in colombia so obvs got covered in mud. If you want to google it, it’s called “Volcan de lado el totumo”

100. Do you want to be married and have a family of your own later in life? Probably not.

[aeroknot]

some thoughts on the latest wynonna plot twist

i’ve been working on this for a little while. 

i just want to explain a large part of my resistance to the wearp development of season 2. it is very personal (perhaps tmi) and reveals a deep bias infiltrating my ability to whole-heartedly accept or celebrate the plot line. I still think it’s worth expressing, though.

ok so like… i’ve felt a range of emotions regarding this pregnancy plotline, most of them negative and just varying in the degrees of pissy pessimism i can shift between, and at first i was really self-interrogating and just being like “are you being an insufferable asshole about this because of wyndolls?” and i thought about it and y’know, probably, like, I’ll be transparent bc who the fuck else am I gonna be real with about this show other than strangers on the internet? and yeah, 10% of it’s wyndolls-related dread, sure, but honestly??

the root of it is that I don’t like kids right now, especially infants, and this intensely combines with the fact that, as a 27 year old with shared qualities with her, I was projecting onto wynonna hard. a big specific fear we shared was where I constantly wonder about whether I truly have choices in my “fate” (mostly, re: am I doomed to repeat my parents’ mistakes? and also am I doomed by my depression? a deep and real limitation that really honestly does feel like its own kind of curse. and, would I pass this onto a child and doom them?) I was ecstatic to be connecting with her and key tenants of her personality, as well as her past traumas (such as but not limited to: child abuse from an alcoholic father, being institutionalized, and acting things out sexually with guys) that I found so relatable. a smaller part, but most relevant to this discussion, is that liked to think of her as a woman who, also, at this point in her life, was wholly uninterested in motherhood, for a whole shitton of reasons; many of which I could relate to, but particularly based in her family trauma/this curse/complicated relationships with men, and also her general attitude of prioritizing her needs above everyone else’s except maybe waverly’s and her partner(s)’. working on herself. and i loved that. it resonated with me.

a baby has really thrown a wrench in this experience, and this is largely because a not-so-insignficant emotional dufflebag that’s been chained to my ankle since my ex left is all the times he told me I’d be a terrible mother, and how i’ve been processing that and moving on from letting that hold any more weight in my life completely opposes being excited about a plot development like this.

after I finally picked myself up off the floor of my shame spiral into his evaluation of me, I rebuilt myself by asking: what right did he have to evaluate my worth based on an abstract, idealized, and hypothetical version of motherhood he imagined – specifically myself as a mother, when, might I add, neither of us were even close to being stable enough even as individuals to be ready for parenthood – (answer: no real fucking right). so: would it be liberating and healing to discover that I can be a woman without procreating? could I still find my worth in myself if it never happened for me? could I erase some of that disdain for my character away by moving the goalpost and allowing myself to say: I don’t need this to be a woman worth admiring and loving-- and I could remain someone a person would desire in a long-term romantic relationship? and did I even fucking want children? was it a good idea for me to have them? I don’t completely have a definitive answer and even if I did decide I didn’t want some, maybe if I met the right partner and i decided -- regardless of what my partner wanted -- that I wanted a baby more than I was afraid of a baby, it’d change, maybe. or I’ve thought about adoption later in life. but for now, and what’s feeding into my disappointment and discomfort with wynonna’s arc, is the fact that I have been experimenting with expressing disinterest in children, publicly and privately, and testing out how that makes me feel, and lately, I’ve felt pretty damn good thinking about a childless future, and after the pain I felt with ‘being inept at motherhood’ lorded over my head as a deep insult to my character, it’s very healing and empowering for me to be able to say “I could live without kids” or “having children is perhaps not in my path” and even go so far as to admit “I don’t think I even like children right now.” 

I don’t dislike children, per se (though I do resent I even feel the pressure to have to put that as a disclaimer!!). I’m nice to them. I love my young cousins. I think children are often hilarious and inquisitive and generally good-natured. but they’re…. they’re like how men are to me right now. the idealized ones are really neat; the fictional ones and the ones over there and the ones other people really love are really cool and I’m happy they make others happy and sometimes I get to spend some time with them too, but as a general practice I’d like to just not prioritize them in my life right now, and women are asked to prioritize both all the damn time or else believe there’s something wrong with them, and I’d like to create space and consume some more media where maybe we just… don’t allow that as much? I promise I’m not going around kicking kids nor am I telling other people to kick them. but I am letting myself feel what it’s like to admit that maybe I don’t think they’re the greatest thing on earth, which is what I feel pressured to say (oh god damn, especially in my Christian work environment, dear lort). I’m experimenting with allowing myself to say to someone who invasively inquires about the status of my reproductivity, “y’know, I don’t really like the idea of being responsible for a very sensitive, innocent, impressionable, and defenseless young soul who deserves a lot of time, energy, and self-sacrifice in order to care for and raise; emotional and physical and mental labor that I don’t feel like designating to anyone but myself right now.” basically, I just don’t find them as enthralling as I used to (I once worked at a daycare and wanted to be a teacher), and I’m even questioning now how much of my enchantment back then was authentic and how much of it was indoctrinated.

and a large part of what I’m realizing is the fact I’m made deeply uncomfortable and displeased by the idea of carving out parts of my identity and my life in order to create the large, large space a child deserves in order to fit one into my story. I don’t like the permanence of adding a child; I don’t like the irrevocable nature of such a huge undertaking that will impact every single facet of a person’s life from that point forward. maybe I’m selfish. maybe I’m just not ready. call me what you want, I’m still walking this path for now, though, and I’ll assert I deserve respect even if I don’t want kids.

so to watch this story that I was feeling so connected to for reasons really opposite of this whole storyline so quickly suddenly make room for a baby while I am resisting motherhood as a measure of a woman’s worth and also very freaked out by the permanence and weight of being responsible for your offspring? yeah. it’s a little disheartening to me. like dolls said, it changes everything. and it’s like…… any way they shake the story out, I think I’ll be upset, because I’m... not personally invested in the baby even sticking around, even though I know that sounds sort of horrible.

I admire the way they’ve done it so far in the aftermath of this reveal. I admire the dialogue. and I think admiring and respecting how they’re doing it while still not liking it is valid, and is also a testament to how well-executed it can be. but I’m still hesitant, skeptical, and resistant.

and this is all hard for me too because like… I think I WOULD think it’s awesome if post-broken-curse, older, perhaps in-a-loving-relationship-wynonna and forgiven-herself wynonna kicks down a door while pregnant, and asserts she can still be a hero while pregnant, and she’s still this or still that and not an invalid fragile incompetent person at her job, etc, etc….. demon-hunting mom who pisses off the PTA moms because all their kids think she’s so cool. but it... it’s sudden. it’s “too early” in my head. and of course I understand why that is. but I’m still grumbly about it.

i’ve also realized that I was a child who was somewhat unwanted. conceived between two people with an unhealthy relationship who did not want to be tethered together for the rest of their lives. and as a child in the middle of that stress, as an unplanned baby who MY MOM GOT PREGNANT WITH WHILE ON BIRTH CONTROL, I know what the downsides are to have that origin story. with this context, it makes sense this is a big hang up for me, something I’m recoiling from. and my mother made me her impetus for change and growth and when she failed at healing herself through me, it made me feel like the failure and a waste of space and “not worth it.” (it’s similar with my dad, but fatherhood’s not really the point here.) to be entirely both the source and motivation for your mother’s (and sometimes father’s) personal healing is a lot of pressure. and it feels suffocating. to be the only reason your mother works on herself when you live with her, but then devolves when you’re not with her-- it serves up some real emotional erosion. we can’t say for certain this is what wynonna would do, but even a whiff of this makes me want to run the other direction.

I’m also upset about the issue of consent in the pregnancy. her opportunity to choose was taken from her by the time demon, and that makes me uncomfortable. she’s doing amazing now, she’s so fucking strong, but I’m still upset. it was clever, but if you really look at it, it was another way she had no choice. &... I appreciate her anger about it! i really do! that is one of the things I do really respect: I appreciate her sadness being allowed time onscreen, and Melanie’s acting is uh-mazing regarding this.

see, I have a lot of conflicting emotions about this. I’m trying to articulate it as best I can.

so then I’m even further flabbergasted by all the ways my brain is trying to cope and trying to make the story cool, trying to patch it, trying to adapt it, trying to twist it, and trying to sneak in lighter and happier moments, and trying to find optimism in things like “oh well I love Jane the Virgin and that’s baby-heavy from the get-go.” .... though therein sorta lies the fundamental difference. you knew a baby was coming from the very first episode, the baby is literally the impetus for everything, and so even though there were consent issues even in Jane the Virgin, there was no real transition from Main Plot to Suddenly A Baby Gets To Be The Center of Everything..... but.... making this comparison also helps me to maybe trust a bit more. I love Jane the Virgin (but.... even still, I’ll be honest that I’ve kind of lost interest since Mateo was born and I haven’t been keeping up as regularly as I used to. I need to stop with that, but I feel it’s another example of just how much I’ve been disinterested in kids these days.)

anyway...

i’m trying to…. well…. respond to the prospect of this fictional baby the exact opposite of how I’ve been trying to react to real babies lately. and it’s just… it’s all a perfect storm, I guess.

BUT: it’s my own personal shit. and maybe I just need to set it aside. 

and maybe, even.... this take on motherhood onscreen, seeing wynonna, who I relate to so much, be a mother... perhaps it may even heal some of the wounds I’ve felt regarding the subject since the shame was first implanted by my ex, and reinforced by my own childhood and genetics and immaturity as an “adult.”

maybe. 

we will see.

[izzyovercoffee]

RepComm for the fandom meme

send me a fandom and I’ll — meme

softly, with a lot of feeling: I’ve been waiting for this moment.

lmaoo not really but yes, yes really. I am here and I am ready for this. 

Thank you for sending this B’)

Republic Commando

the character i least understand

Karen “What Is Abuse I Don’t Know Her″ Traviss

Ko Sai. I think, for the most part, she was written with very alien motivations, and it was fairly successful, at least in conveying that it was difficult if not impossible to relate with her on any level. 

I’m sure if I spent more time thinking and writing about her I could maybe attempt to understand her character … but for the most part I don’t really “get” her, and I think that’s the point.

interactions i enjoyed the most

Mereel and Ordo are endlessly entertaining. 

Any of the Nulls together, individually or clusters or all six in one room.

Mereel and Etain have had some very, very touching, emotionally deep moments — the kinds of scenes KT generally doesn’t allow any of her characters to have between two characters that aren’t romantically involved.

tbh this list is gonna be very long so to sum up: everyone with everyone else, when they’re allowed to be individual characters with separate personalities and motivations recognized, instead of twisted into very specific moral representations that KT pushes towards the end.

the character who scares me the most

Walon Vau is reasonably frightening, though really he should be. He is about as cold blooded of a killer as you’re going to get, and he doesn’t make threats, he makes promises. B’) 

Plus he’s also very difficult to get into the mental space to write, because he’s a legitimate Bad Person, and trying to write characters like him can be difficult.

it’s also a good idea to maintain a healthy fear of the nulls, if only out of respect of their potential for sudden and extreme violence. They’re not as “unpredictable” as the text says, though.

the character who is mostly like me

mmm … actually, I’m gonna go with Kal. this is probably gonna garner some “whaaat? but you HATE him?” 

Yes, I do hate him. but let me list some similarities lmao:

perpetual limp due to a bad ankle and persistent injury that never healed right / properly (partially kept as a constant reminder for a mistake)

short and angry, like all the time

compartmentalize everything and everyone

obsessive about caring for and protecting family, literally does everything for family

extremely secretive, to the point of never telling anyone the full story or full truth, everyone just get bits and pieces that seem complete. no one ever seems to realize this.

self sacrificing to the point of martyrdom, especially for family

these are all pretty negative, but … unlike Kal, I am actually self aware lmao and am working on these things, and have for the most part listened when other people criticize me so that I can continue to work on being better. it’s a daily process, you know, so I don’t hurt the family I care so much about.

Kal starts off terrible, and the writing implies that he might learn from it … but then instead of him learning and growing like everyone needs him to, the narrative instead makes excuses for him, everyone suffers, and Etain dies.

it’s unfortunate bc people like him exist, and you can’t coddle them if you want them to survive life. and yet everyone coddles Kal. Fandom, in general, coddles and makes excuses for abusive men. Full stop.

but like, here’s the thing:

He is a grown man. He is not a child. Don’t treat him like one.

I hate him partially bc the entire fandom excuses his behavior when it is, ultimately, inexcusable. He is not a child. He is a man, who has undertaken a huge group of extremely vulnerable people under his care, and he ultimately hurts them all. Severely. And TBH Kal deserves better than to be coddled and all his boo-boos kissed away by a fandom who says they care about the rest of the clan, but cannot see the sheer world-shattering damage Kal committed on them, regardless of intention. 

You can like a character, and still hold them accountable. Fandom, somehow, seems incapable of this level of nuance, especially if they’re a father and shown as sympathetic in any way.

hottest looks character

Mereel, obviously. lmao

No but like, consider: he dyes his hair (and his skin, and his eyes) and has a full wardrobe for all situations. 

He’s the (Daniel Craig) James Bond of the Grand Army of the Republic.

But I also headcanon Jilka and Besany to be incredibly fashion forward. Besany usually embodying the Career Professional woman, with very sharp, very perfectly tailored outfits that allow no room for nonsense.

Jilka also perfectly tailored, though her wardrobe is potentially more fun, visually, and incredibly flattering in all the right ways — but still very sharp, and very much professional when necessary.

one thing i dislike about my fave character

Mereel, light of my life, sun of my sky, salve of my wounded and broken heart, peace at the eye of my storm …

why are you like this?

lmao. On a more serious note, I can’t outright say I dislike anything about Mereel, but his inability to share what really goes on in his head with … well, anyone. The only time we see a truthful admittance to weakness is that single moment with Etain, when he admits that he’s still human. That he’s not perfect.

Every other time, and I know I say this a lot, but every other time … he deflects any serious conversation with a joke — and usually a joke that the speaker wants to hear (even if they don’t know they want to hear it). He doesn’t let anyone in, not even his brothers, and that’s … got to be a lonely sort of suffering. 

The kind of internalized suffering I’m sure he’s learned from Kal, both in the how to do it, and the reason he does it. bc Kal does internalize a lot of his suffering and doesn’t share it, burying weakness while in the same breath saying that he’s experiencing it and letting it go. He doesn’t, it’s just a different sort of self-delusion and deflection, and Mereel echoes it to a painful degree.

And then, of course, there’s Mereel learning that he needs to do it, bc Kal only accepts a certain kind of visual presence of mental illness and suffering, otherwise the person is “damaged” in some way and will never be “okay” for whatever understanding Kal has given okay. (view, for example, how he sees Ordo vs how he sees Mereel. He sees Mereel as stable, bc Mereel is extroverted, outgoing, and “always positive.” It’s not something intentional, but it’s still damaging, to all parties.)

one thing i like about my hated character

I might hate Kal Skirata, but I also love him. He’s a fantastic character. He is so so so flawed. His flaws make him interesting, and he tries. He tries so hard. He cares so much. He cares too much, even. His dedication and his love for his family are all encompassing, to the point that he can even be blinded to their faults because he loves so strongly.

But that love is a sword. One might even say it’s a triple-edged blade.

Love, as bright and fierce and consuming as it is, does not make someone right. It does not make their actions excusable when it leads to hurt, or even someone dying needlessly. It does not make one’s choices correct.

Love does not excuse abuse. And I really wish fandom would, at the very least, make the attempt to understand that.

a quote or scene that haunts me

Yes, I know how the Kaminoans did it. They used our genes against us, the ones that make us bond with our brothers, make us loyal, make us respect and obey our fathers—that’s what they manipulated to make us more likely to obey orders. They had to remove what made Jango a selfish loner, because that makes a bad infantry soldier, and you can tell from the Alpha ARCs that the Kaminoans weren’t wrong. But there’s one thing I don’t know yet—and that’s how they controlled the aging process. That’s the key. They robbed us of a full life span. But we will not be defeated by time, ner vod.

—ARC Trooper Lieutenant N-7—Mereel—in an encrypted transmission to Captain N-11, Ordo

a death that left me indifferent

mmm, Sev, actually. Like, in the game? I went through the whole grieving process after I finished Republic Commando. 

The way it was written? idk. It did nothing for me.

This probably is an unpopular opinion lmao but honestly, that scene? did not hit me anywhere. it just kinda left a bad taste in my mouth … much like Etain’s scene, except that I was actually pissed off about Etain lmao to the point that I still rant about it bc of how little sense it made.

a character i wish died but didn’t

I mean I could go the obvious route and say Kal, but I actually don’t wish Kal died. I just wish he’d learn from his mistakes and people would point out how he’s hurting his family lmao?

who do I actually wish died? any of the nulls, even if they don’t die die. They’re presented as these entirely Untouchable cast, to the point that no one really expect any of the Nulls to so much as get a paper cut — because how can they? they’re presented as close to perfect (obviously not in the mental illness department, but they do inhabit this space of being invincible).

and for any of them, even temporarily, to die would have had incredible emotional impact — moreso than Etain’s. It would’ve really brought home the threat on all their lives in a way that Etain’s death could never convey. 

but I’m asking nuance of a writer who clearly overwhelmed herself with a cast much larger than she could handle in writing, and who started all these incredible thematic arcs only to abandon them, forgotten, over the course of the series.

my ship that never sailed

I have a lot of ships, tbh, but it’s kinda like … weird? to talk about? as if I expected them to sail and then they just simply didn’t. 

I don’t have any ships that I expected to happen or be recognized and simply didn’t. I mean … Fi read as if closeted, so I was kind of hoping he would maybe realize he was attracted to men, but then of course he was paired off with his caretaker, and my god there are so many consent problems with that.