#bc i didnt find him attractive and i 'made myself' like him

[elainsgirl]

I started reading ACOTAR in December last year so I’m very new. I noticed quite a few signs of elriel while reading the series but stupidly, I was waiting for Gwyn’s introduction because I saw so many people shipping her with Azriel and saying they’re endgame. I thought that at some point somehow elriel will end up like moriel where it doesn’t pan out and Gwyn becomes the main girl for Azriel. Thus I tried to not become invested in any of Elain and Azriel’s moments for fear of my heart breaking because they don’t work out. But that was hard as I really enjoyed anything that involved both of them. I especially loved Feyre shipping them because I internally wholeheartedly agreed with her lmao.

I also lost interest in elucien real fast as there was absolutely nothing there lol. Besides Elain’s obvious disinterest in him, I also believe even Lucien isn’t that crazy about Elain. I feel like he feels obligated to take interest in her because of the mating bond and that’s it. He’s not interested in Elain, he’s interested in a mate.

Fast forward to ACOSF (looooong after ACOMAF where already I felt like I sensed something between them after their first meeting, eg. Elain wearing a cobalt blue dress like Azriel’s siphons when they met, her looking to him to see if the dinner discussion is going well, enjoying chatting with him during the dinner despite being scared of fae and getting him to open up a bit more, SJM focusing separately on Feysand, Nessian, and Elriel respectively during the dinner scene. I could go on) and I was wondering how SJM is going to build up gwynriel in (1) book into something worth being invested in and have me letting go of (3) books of elriel build up.

Meanwhile Gwyn only gets introduced a ways into the book and Azriel barely has any notable interactions with her that indicate a future romance. Afterwards, I remember being like “why on earth is this fandom so sure they are/will be canon?” I got a hold of the BC and it literally just confirmed the obvious. Elriel is the next couple.

Imagine my shock when I see all the gwynriel blogs lecturing elriels on this and that (with the most ridiculous misinformation I’ve ever seen) and how elriels are delusional, etc.

It just bothers me that they essentially trick (whether knowingly or unknowingly) new readers into believing gwynriel is endgame, and then the new ones don’t always realize it’s nonsense so the fandom just keeps being flooded with new gwynriel shippers. While I support it as a crack ship, I’m entirely against someone trying to tell me they will be canon. Especially when these people are usually anti IC and Elain haters. I’m not taking them seriously.

Anyway my gut was always telling me I shouldn’t ignore elriel. I went back and reread every single mention/foreshadowing of elriel in the books and allowed myself to just absolutely fall in love with them. And I don’t regret it one bit

Hey anon 🫶

I read the acotar series before acosf came out and it was so obvious just by that series alone, Nessian and elriel were going to be a thing - so I went into acosf unsuprised when elriel started having an attraction towards each other and we got more of their buildup for their story. Gwynriel didnt even occur to me? I liked Gwyn but there was 0 memories interactions she had with Az that made me stop and think “ooh there is something there” I finished acosf and left the book thinking elriel was next. Got onto tiktok and kept seeing gwynriel everywhere in the comments of acotar videos so at first - I thought they were some type of inside joke or acota4 cult…I was shocked to find out people were shipping Gwyn and Az. Nothing in acosf ever alluded to them and I didnt believe an author like Mass would introduce Azriels LI so late into the series, that too a spinoff. I kept seeing gwynriels mention the Azriel bonus which I had 0 idea existed/ out of pure pettiness I didnt read the bonus. My stance was, I shouldn’t need a bonus to understand gwynriel or need it to know they’re the next couple. I should have gotten that from acosf alone and let me tell you - so many Gwynriels struggled with justifying their ship and proving its endgame when they can’t use the bonus which tells you enough.

Elriel was just naturally developed. Everything about them is complimentary and they just make sense together/ I loved Feyre for clocking onto elriel straight away and I loved reading every single one of their scenes and how much significance Mass places around it. It’s like she just can’t help herself from writing about elriel poetically, lmfao. Yet when Elucien were revealed to be mates, I was taken back but intrigued and already digging the idea of them. The roguish male paired w the polite lady? Sign me up for that dynamic any day yet when it came to actually reading about them / they felt so stale and awkward. Like mixing two different people together and its just not working. Every elucien scene was hard to read yet every elriel scene was flawless. They just matched each other and reading about them together just made sense. I wS so happy when Feyre questioned why elriel weren’t mates bcs it meant Sjm was planning on doing something w that storyline which kept me even more engaged w elriel. Come to acosf - and all thats changed is elrield attraction is confirmed and Az is basically spending the whole book pining after Elain. At no point does Mass break elriel apart.

Gwynriels know there is nothing romantic or even significant about any Gwyn x Az scenes hence why they have to downplay every elriel scene (which they use for their HCs/fics) and exaggerate what little Gwyn and Az scenes there are. Most of their ship is 55% talking badly about elriel to any poor sucker who would listen, 12% fanfics and HCs which is basically copy past of canon elriel scenes, 5% theories that are basically elriel theories that they’ve copied and 28% of gwynriel fanarts to entice people on Gwynriel.

It’s hilarious how they call Elriels delusional meanwhile they’re thinking Sjm would have Az ready to beg on his knees for Elain then get w Gwyn. Thank God thats not her type of love stories. It cracks me up at how disappointed newcomers who have heard about gwynriel are when they realise what little scenes gwyn and az have especially compared to elriel scenes. I think most jumped onto the bandwagon of gwynriel bcs they hated Elain and this way, their precious Az can be with someone they deem “better” then meek, boring Elain.

There is a reason Sjm had Feyre question why elriel aren’t mates. Had Az know what was amiss w elain instead of her mate who stood there uselessly. A reason why she had Elain call Azriels scars beautiful and had Elain be the first to hold TT aside from Az. A reason why Az went to risk his life for Elain whilst her mate was gallivanting trying to help another woman, I can go on but you get the gist. These moments weren’t used as filler scenes. They’re important to Az and Elain as characters separately and together as a couple. No author would spend that many books & important scenes to build a couple only to have them breakup and end w others.

I also dont regret falling in love with elriel 🌸🦇

[emilicious0]

okay, so, im finding myself more and more attracted to Valentino. I mean im starting to simp 😵‍💫💀

so i'd love to see some gen sfw (and nsfw if you can but dont have to)

Maybe he started to like one of his workers or something (fem if possible but gn is fine)

He could like, work her with clients less and stuff, less videos, maybe less drugs 💀 anyway imma hop off now 😩

f!reader x valentino sfw and nsfw headcanons

TW: VALENTINO, abusive behavior, mdni

SFW

□ he really thinks he treats all of his workers good, which is kinda true (I strongly headcanon that v's may be a band of psychos, but they appreciate hard work and always offer good salaries)

□ you get a good amount of money and thats the reason you work so good as his assistant

□ he notices the hard work and slowly starts to treat you more like a friend (in his own way, like slapping your butt or whistling whenever you are passing by)

□ that behavior lasts for some time, until he sees you on your day off in a club with some other demon (who was your friend)

□ the two of you seem close and youre hugging each other, which made valentino see red

□ he was ready to jump inside and kill the bitch who dared to touch you, but vox called in asking him to be immeadiatly back in their tower for a meeting

□ after that valentino realises his feelings for you

□ the butt-slapping, cat-calling didnt stop and only became worse

□ he would call you nicknames now, the most used one is "baby"

□ you would get a lot more money than anyone else

□ also loves when you praise him

□ a drama queen, who loves when you take care of him (buying ice cream)

□ would try to trick you into making a deal with him (but he would eventually give up on that idea, since he wants you, to want him too)

□ actually tells you everyday how he loves you, or how beautiful you are, only to yell at you next moment for not loving him back

□ he would come to you drunk crying and you have to take him to bed and tuck him in

□ if you accept his feelings and you become a couple, he immediately fires you

□ becomes your sugar daddy, who asks for every second of your time in return

□ carries you around like a treasure, showing you off to everyone

□ gives you small gifts everyday, and not so small gifts too

□ he is the type to forget about the anniversary, but feel bad about it later

□ despite him being still physically active with his workers and vox, he is romantically absolutely yours

□ he has hard time listening for your problems, but he comforts you wrapping his wings around you and kissing you

□ he has hard times understanding a lot of things about your problems (hard for him to be there for you), but he tries to do it in his own way (physical affection)

□ valentino has his episodes when he bursts and shouts at you and everything, apologizing afterwards, but they will happen again

□ kinda enjoys scaring you, but with you it's never about physical abuse, more like teasing

□ sleeps more calmly next to you

□ doesn't allow you to leave him (it will crash him in every possible way if you do, resulting him to become obsessive and start stalking you)

NSFW

□ has any possible kink in existence

□ inpatient, rough

□ loves edging, into degrading (loves to degrade and wants to degrade you)

□ public sex is his favorite one (as well as group one)

□ roleplays with you a lot of his crazy scenarios

□ makes you watch him fuck with others (doesn't let you do the same)

□ but your sessions with him are super private bc they are different

□ switch (hard dom/top, soft sub/bottom)

□ loves seeing you on your knees for him

□ seeing you cry is his favorite turn on

□ threesome with vox✌️

[sillinessk1tty]

I need help figuring out if im a lesbian, bi, or just going thru a phase.

I am in my teen years and Ik I shouldn’t be this worried about it but i’ve been so conflicted abt the idea and if the signs I think I’ve noticed are really signs or if I’m just being dum and weird

So one think that might be a sign is when I was a kid and I first learned what lgbtq was i will admit. I thought it was disgusting because I was a big christian kid. I was lowk homophobic at lest i pretended to be bc my biggest secret when i was a kid, being the unsupervised curious weirdo i was, I would go online and look up yk…girls kissing and stuff and would kinda like obsess over it? idk abt obsess but it would always give me that funny feeling in my stomach.

Then another thing was boys. I never found myself actually having a crush on boys. I would date them but I would get so uncomfortable with them. like I felt gross and kinda empty? No boys ever gave me real butterflies or made my heart race if anything it was out of uncomfortableness. Ppl would tease me when I got red around a boy saying I was blushing but really I was just uncomfortable. I hated it when a boy tried to hold my hand. I hated it when a boy wanted to kiss me. I hated it when a boy wanted a hug it made me feel weird and not in a good way. And honestly I’ve never had a REAL crush other than one person and that person so happened to be a girl. And i think it genuinely was a crush bc i’d get smiley when she came around, my heart would really race, and i’d get butterflies when I fantasized about her and i cried for days when I found out she had a bf. But idk if it was just me trying to fit in with the cool edgy lgbtq kids in middle school or not. I’m sorry if that sounds insensitive but i still got that toxic christian ideology stuck in me which is why im having such a hard time with this.

And also when I had to go to locker rooms and change around girls I’d get so uncomfortable. I would always hide myself and look away from the girls bc i didn’t want any of them thinking I was a pervert and idk if that means anything or if im just insecure.

Like and every boy i’ve ever crushed on it felt just fake. like i would force myself to find a boy and be like “oh i like him hes so cute” bc I wanted to be like the girls that would gossip about boys and i wanted friends and it felt like that was the only thing i could do. I wanted to have a nice friend group where we could gossip and most of my friends would gossip abt boys so id find a boy that was attractive and tell my friends i had a crush on him when i really didnt. I don’t think all boys are really ugly, but i’ve always felt like girls are ten times prettier in general and i could never fully think a boy is attractive. Like Now that i think abt it i can see myself with a girl in every way. romantically, intimately, whatever but then with boys and i try to imagine myself with one i get grossed out and weirded out. And whenever i would listen to girls talk abt boys they thought were hot i’d get weirded out bc i’d always think every boy was gross but idk if thats bc boys bully me a lot of what i dont know IM SO CONFUSED.

Like with boys it all feels fake. A way to be like everyone else and a way to feel validated ig. but then when i think about being with a girl I can see myself getting happy when she texts me, really blushing when her shoulder brushes against mine or when she tries to hold my hand and actually being intimate with her for more than just pleasure but also just pure love. Hugging her, holding hands, kissing, falling in love. I can imagine it all so easily with a girl but maybe im just confused and havent found the right guy. maybe im just desperate idk.

I never wanted to out a specific label on myself its just others always did it for me which is why part of me feels like im just faking my confusion and confliction for attention and to fit in bc a lot of ppl do call me gay and lesbian especially now bc i do talk abt all my fictional crushes and all of them happens to be women and I just dont know what to do with it but just nod my head and go sure whatever u wanna think thats u. Ik im just a teen and i shouldn’t be this worried about it bc i know its a personal experience and stuff but its just like im so conflicted with myself. I go to church, I believe in God, I love God, I have a family that I don’t wanna disappoint or upset. I have an amazing family and theyd still love me but i get a feeling they wouldnt be incredibly happy abt it. I dont know if im just trying to find a new problem for myself so i can be a victim like what if im just saying all of this and pretending bc other ppl think im lesbian and think thats cool and i wanna be cool idk i feel stupid but input and advice would be awesome. I know its a lot to read but srsly i need some sort of help.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i had sex for the first time and it was kind of a horrible experience. i was checking out a bdsm club for the first time and a man in his 50s invited me to check out a different (sex) club the next day and bc i genuinely, idiotically thought he just wanted to introduce me to the scene and show me around i went. at the club he bought me a couple drinks, we talked and then he took me to a private room and went down on me. i didnt say no bc i was drunk and curious, and im bad at saying no to people in general. i thought maybe it would be fun. i wasnt into it at all but felt too bad to let him know. i faked an orgasm and left after a while. as we parted he kissed my cheek and said he hopes we can be friends. drunk me told him of course we could. the next morning i was hit with the worst wave of self loathing ive ever felt in my life, as well as just general disgust and regret. i cannot believe my first time was with an old man i feel zero attraction to. i already knew im probably a lesbian, but still i keep trying to be with men and i dont know why. i guess my question is do you have advice on how to get over a sexual experience you regret? how do i come to terms with the fact that my first time was with someone i feel grossed out just thinking about? and was i taken advantage of? im in my early 20s, he didnt know i was a virgin (i active implied that im not), and i know if i had said no he wouldve stopped. i wasnt falling down drunk or anything. he didnt really do anything wrong. i feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. i just wish my first time had been with a woman. i wish i hadnt been so naive and stupid and i wish i hadnt gotten drunk. i know its not true but i feel like no woman will ever want me now. i cant even masturbate bc the idea of doing something sexual, even just alone, reminds me of him and what i let him do to me. how do i move on from this?

hi anon,

I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you.

in this case, I would say the way to make peace with a sexual experience you regret is to understand that you aren't responsible for what was done to you.

to answer your question - yes, you were absolutely taken advantage of, and this person very much did do something wrong! quite a lot of somethings! he made the choice to lure someone younger and less knowledgeable to a secondary location you weren't familiar with, get you drunk, isolate you, and pressure you into sex that you didn't give enthusiastic consent to. all of that is CLASSIC predatory, manipulative behavior and reflects on him - not you.

you mentioned that you feel stupid; PLEASE don't. people are pressured into unpleasant sex all the time, very often in the exact same way you were: being entrapped in a situation where going along with it was easier than saying no. it's vile! and none of those people are at fault!

listen: you need to be on your side about this. would you tell anyone else who experienced this that they're stupid and naive? I hope not. I really hope you can find the compassion you'd extend to any other friend in this situation to yourself, because you're going to be the #1 person getting yourself through this.

feeling bad and gross about what happened is fine; what happened was bad and gross. please let those feelings happen and care for yourself while they do, because those feelings need to be felt! just be conscientious about which feelings you're indulging. it's fine to feel betrayed, violated, regretful, angry, sad, even to mourn for a better first sexual experience you could have had! just make sure to gently nudge yourself back if those feelings start veering into the realm of feeling guilty or responsible for the situation. not only is it unhelpful, it's not even true!

it's very sad that your first sexual experience was with someone you didn't want who treated you the way he did. in the future, when you're ready, I hope you'll be able to pursue healthier, mutually pleasurable experiences on your own terms. don't rush yourself to get back to any kind of sexuality, masturbation included - a good long break while you sort through your feelings may be very needed. there's no timeline you need to be on to recover from this; please don't get down on yourself for taking the time and space you need. if you don't have anyone in person you feel able to talk with, looking up online support and resources for people who have experienced sexual assault may be beneficial.

also, hey, please don't play the game of trying to say you don't belong in survivor spaces or how this wasn't an assault because your belief that he would have stopped if you'd told him to (a very generous assumption!) or because you led him to believe you had more sexual experience or it could have been worse or whatever. the feelings you're experience in the aftermath are textbook of assault survivors; that means the resources are for you!

also hey. listen to me. look at me. if any woman tries to tell you that you are less worthy of lesbian love and companionship because you have had sex with a man. ESPECIALLY a man who was taking advantage of you. you are going to send me their address and I will personally attack them with a baseball bat.

[moonhoures]

his cute little habit of touching his ears he’s so cute i will eat him!!! [https://twitter.com/wwsocute717/status/1695312528065335675?s=46&t=7K5GlOWER2OJ1YwGhr2e2g] replayed it too many times and now i suddenly want him to shove those fingers up in me

also no one asked but i have like a fav pair of glasses on him and it’s these chrome hearts glasses he’s wearing in this clip and to prove i have a point and i’m not insane (i am) here are some clips to justify that all his viral/famous clips of him looking good is always him w these glasses like smtg abt those glasses just make him so much more attractive this could be a hot take but hey give me a chance! [https://twitter.com/mi_woo17/status/1619389293243543552?s=46&t=7K5GlOWER2OJ1YwGhr2e2g] [https://twitter.com/wwlake/status/1608043837980815364?s=46&t=7K5GlOWER2OJ1YwGhr2e2g] [https://twitter.com/wonwooszone/status/1550108565381083137?s=46&t=7K5GlOWER2OJ1YwGhr2e2g] [https://twitter.com/munchasako/status/1653800679197265920?s=46&t=7K5GlOWER2OJ1YwGhr2e2g]

am i crazy? yes maybe but i made a good point didnt i, no? do u see my vision??? no? just me?? sometimes i wish there was a fic about ww and like idk keeping his glasses on during sex centred around these exact pair bc i do not have the ability to write smtg like that for myself and i always have this idea for like soft loving but slightly cocky ww finding out u have a fixation on this exact pair of glasses cuz you don’t say anything when he takes of his old other pairs but when he bought this new pair you’re suddenly asking him to keep it on brushing it off like ohh so u can see better but he’s like i see fine like this and wtf i always take them off tho but you feel to much shame to admit you get turned on seeing him in this pair but he figures it out anyways so he gets cocky and u just want to sink into the ground but despite being all mischievous he adores you for this weird little fixation hahahahah touching grass is not gonna do it for me anymore i need him inside me i keep re reading 9:03 it’s so good

as usual hope you’re having a good day and may you have a good rest of the week <3

- 💐

link 1 | link 2 | link 3 | link 4 | link 5

puhlease i’m going to cry over him it’s so bad 😩 his lil ear touching ☹️ i wanna hug him so bad i’m going to lose my mind!!!

and don’t even worry bestie i completely understand bc i feel the exact same way, except i feel that way about these glasses! like the circle glasses just hit different, and they make me go absolutely feral for him 😵‍💫

like hello???!?!1!1?11!!1 are we seeing this?? i also like these dark framed glasses that he wears too! wonu w glasses is absolutely my fav wonu i’ve decided ☝🏻

and bestie you’re going to drive me nuts bc now i literally want to drop everything to write something like that?!1!1!1!1!1! i desperately need smut w glasses!wonwoo or i will collapse 😭 i fear touching grass isn’t an option for us anymore 💔 we’re too far gone 😔💔💔💔💔

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[ispyspookymansion]

kora if u feel comfortable could u talk about ur gender journey and relationship w lesbianism bc sometimes im like that tweet that's like. im probably trans but i have a job so idrc about that but. ough it's scary and confusing. what if im just butch.

oh wow! well let me think. going to put this under a cut because its longish

it was a much harder path for me to get to lesbianism than to get to Gender. i had a really hard time accepting that for some reason, it took a lot of agonizing, a lot of intentional repression, a lot of misery and wallowing around words and labels and avoidance and definitions. so by the time i got through that it then opened up some gender doors for me because lesbianism is inherently disruptive of the cisheterosexual matrix, but i really, really didnt want to go through that misery again, so i just decided it didnt matter what i was as far as gender and what mattered was how i felt and what made me happy. i only became confident in calling myself trans in the last ohh i dont know, 6 months? and yet ive been on T for a year! for me the actions came easier than the wording. i tried not to stress about what i was doing and whether it was or wasnt aligned with lesbianism. i trusted in our history of transness and masculinity and found a lot of comfort in talking to other butch and transmasc lesbians about their experiences and feelings, and found such a range of experiences that felt very relevant to me

ultimately, i feel like a lesbian. i knew that and i continue to know that. the way that i feel about the people im attracted to and the kinds of relationships i want to have is what connects me to lesbianism. i dont feel like lesbianism is my last thread to womanhood. it isnt a thread to that at all. theres too rich a history of gender defiance and creation to simplify it like that, so i dont let it be that for me. i dont feel dysphoric about being a lesbian even if cis(het) people might not understand me as being transmasc as well. + butch and transmasc arent exclusive and are often beautiful beautiful copilots in dykery !

i also find pursuing what makes me feel good matters a lot more than finding exact words for it. im not really sure what my gender is honestly? it took me a long time to get comfortable/feel like i was allowed to call myself lesbian, trans, and butch too honestly. but i went through a lot less misery when i took actions First to figure out what felt right and then accepted the words that naturally followed After. am i trans or am i not trans stressed me out much more than do i want to bind or not? do i want my voice to be lower or not? do i want to try a different name and pronouns or not? and then my answers to these led me to actions and opportunities that got me to feeling comfortably trans, without putting so much questioning strain on the lesbianism i felt at my core.

+ the opposite is helpful. crossing off what am i Not and what i dont want can be a lot easier than what Am i. woman has always been absolutely not right. trans took longer to feel right which is silly versus logically if i wasnt cis, i was trans, but i had to go in steos

i guess just remember that theres not a really hard line between butchness and the transmasc umbrella (other than personal definition obviously) and you can be one or both or one now and then later realize the other feels better. try to read about butches and he/him lesbians and transmasc dykes and talk to them where you can and enjoy the range of answers and identities and give yourself grace to explore that without so much pressure on whether its one or the other. youre still you regardless of what words to use to describe it so take your time figuring out what you want before you worry too much about what that means you “are”

ALSO you dont have to be butch to be trans and still a lesbian or vice versa you can be nonbinary or genderqueer or agender or genderfluid or etc etc etc and consider those under the label Trans and also be butch! or you can be those things but Not butch and still a lesbian! you can do whatever forever!

[linameka]

Tagged by @foralleternityidiot (I've been thinking about this for days and was gonna tag you, but you beat me to it!) This took me so long because choosing just 10? Impossible!

Also, as I did this, I noticed my answers were different between characters and actors, so maybe I'll do a character one too...

I'm gonna follow your rules, cause then maybe it'll be narrowed down! The rules aforementioned: "I'm gonna give myself a challenge to make it even more stupidly hard to choose. First, I'm only going to look BL pairings in which I'm into BOTH guys in a pairing. Then, I have to choose ONE. For funsies. I'll probably cheat" me too bestie lol.

I'm also gonna stick to thai boys also, just like you! But these are in no particular order.

1. Noeul Nuttarat - All Noeuls are Good Noeuls, but Blonde Noeul really did something to me

2. Khaotung Tanawat - First is my sweetbbyangelboy (and so is Khaotung!) but I only want one of them carnally.

3. Apo Nattawin - one of the few men that @foralleternityidiot and I have always agreed on, and that's saying something bc we have wildly different taste in men normally!

4. Tay Tawan - On of my first bl boy crushes (along with a few others on this list), hes hot yes, but also a complete sweetie with such a nice smile and the demi in me is so attracted to that!

5 and 6. OffGun - Look, I can't possibly choose. Gun is one of my original faves and @foralleternityidiot knows how sexy I find him, but Off snuck up on me! His scene as girl!Maitinee in I'm Tee Me Too awoke something in me.

7. Mix Sahaphap - I was always more of an Earth person, though I loved Mix's role in 1000stars, I didnt get the hype. Then I saw him in Moonlight Chicken and he blew my mind! So sexy! And he's said he's most similar to Wen so...🫠

8 and 9. BounPrem - This was almost just Prem, because he came for me out of nowhere, even though I've been into Boun for ages, but I simply couldn't leave Boun behind!

10. James Supamongkon - James is my non-demi pick, cause I don't know much about him, but he's so scintillating to me!!

Honorable mentions: Jeff Satur (partner too young-seeming for me, but JEFF 🫠), Mark Pakin, Neo Trai, Drake Sattabut, Fourth Nattawat, Mike Chinnarat, Perth Nakhun, War Wanarat (pottery wheel thirst traps 100% agree bestie! But I just dont know enough about YinWar to include him...yet!), Cooheart, Peat Wasuthorn, and P'Aof (lol). On a different day, you might've made the list!

No pressure tags: idk who has/hasn't been tagged in this game since I'm getting around to it a bit late, so like just tag yourself and pretend I did.

[treetownconfessions]

new-ish to the blog (been here about a month....,,) and i wanted to finally get this off my chest bc it was killing me. i'm queer as hell now but BACK THEN when i was 11-13 i was a cis boy who just liked reading comics and doing a jump everyday in hopes of becoming the tallest jumper in the world. and at the time i found out about happy tree friends and got into it very fast, both bc the gore and extremity was edgy and cool to me and because i genuinely liked the characters. i developed a crush on flippy, because, who didnt, and finding out a LOT of htf fans felt the same made me happy at first. but it became really clear nearly all the people who crushed and fangirled over him were girls irl and i felt like a weirdo about it because i was a BOY and i had a crush on flippy who was ALSO a boy. BUT seeing those same people ship flippy with other boy-characters in the show gave me massive mixed messages, because everyone seemed to love it when it was in-show only and i hadnt EVER met another boy online who had a crush on flippy so i wondered if it just wasnt allowed when it was outside of that, even though i wanted to express it with everyone else so bad. i couldnt go to my irl friends bc none of them were into htf and i was worried theyd think i was weird anyway. so my solution to keep crushing on flippy while still being normal to everyone else was making a htf oc that was quite literally a self-insert of myself, all the way down to the comics i liked irl, and shipped him with flippy. but i never told anyone it was my self-insert and just said it was an oc very unrelated to me and i wanted to keep it that way. i made horrible art of us and wrote equally horrible fanfic of this "oc" and flippy, bc i thought it was a genius solution to expressing my adoration for flippy whilst keeping the handful of followers and online friends i had satisfied bc it was boy x boy stuff. i never wrote/drew raunchy stuff about them bc as far as i can remember it was just shit like going on a date with flippy at the library or having picnics with him etc etc. but once i shared a recent fic with one of my online friends about them and at some point they went "you wrote it like an x reader so i thought it was self insert lol" and i was genuinely in shambles. i thought they were accusing me of having a crush on flippy myself and they were about to expose me or something (they didnt even know i was a boy irl so i dont know??) so i defensively told them it wasnt a self insert and i wasnt attracted to flippy in the slightest. but i was really rude about it and they replied saying they never said that, they never accused me of having a crush on flippy or anything like that and it was just a mistake. i dont remember the entirety of our messages but i remember getting so butthurt and angry i kept telling them to fuck off and that it wasnt a mistake on their end and they HAD to be accusing me of actually liking flippy. i blocked them and i cried so hard into my pillow i could barely breathe and i considered running away from home that day bc i was convinced that person was gonna tell everyone i liked flippy even though i was a boy and somehow get to my irl friends and family and i would be considered a freak for it forever. i stopped posting my art and fics of that "oc" and flippy after that and i didnt know how to delete my account at the time (it was on deviantart) so i just logged out and never touched it again. ive been thinking about it recently now as an adult and i forgot the password to that account so everything is still up and there hasnt been a new comment since 7 years ago but it keeps me up at night thinking about the person i cussed out and all the published stuff

[idealspawn]

tbh now that i think of it i kind of needed him not for himself but for myself too. so that is fucked up a bit maybe from my side too. like that i needed someone secure enough to kind of mm trust them and be truly honest and transparent and loving and giving but not because i so very much loved them and wanted to give TO THEM but to see if i can trust myself to let myself be giving. if that makes sense. to let myself try be securely attached. but not necessarily because im madly in love. but like train my vulnerability. he said he read my poem and it was nice, cheesy at times but with good parallels and metaphores. i explained one part to him more in detail too bc it was pretty open to interpretation. he said he will write it down but i dont think he will. but it also feels so cringe because he was meant to read it when he still had feelings for me. also a good um.. stepping stone for me i guess. to admit i have feelings for someone still when they dont, although im acc not too sure myself how much i was truly madly attached either. feels good to swallow my pride though. i also tend to lose feelings when ppl arent attracted to me which is good. i dont have a problem w chasing him. im attracted to ppl being attracted to me which in a way, from me, is also a bit fucked up. he also didnt become a part of my real immediate daily routine as i didnt really text w him too much. we just were together irl a lot and really present in those times. and i also made sure i didnt abandon my friends this time so i still massively have my support system w me. but it sucks a bit bc i literally talked abt him to so many of my friends but its okay like i dont owe anyone anything to last just bc i talked abt it. and shit changes. just bc i said sth true in one moment doesnt mean i has to stay true forever or that now that it isnt true anymore that it couldnt have been immensely true at one point. one thing that was pretty fucked up tho is that he told me he wanted to have sex w me just bc he was looking for certainty and answers abt his feelings from there not bc he acc felt connected to me. like i usually.. want to be intimate when i feel love not disconnect..... and now he said he didnt find it from there. but like.. we were literally both so high and it was such a bad situation. no wonder you cant feel a spark bc i was literally numb like a vegetable. he said he knows it was a bad decision but like why do you take this situation to tell you clues abt what next then. and like. the same way with all our previous hangouts when i felt sth off. like the reason it was off was bc he was off and not fully honest abt it. it felt like such a relief when he said all the words out so rawly at last and i felt i could come out of this weird anxious shell of a performance i had on w him the past few times bc of the way i felt sth was weird but i couldnt tell what it was so i couldnt fully be normal myself either. so like the last times he gave me "chances" couldnt have been proper chances to show him anything true bc it didnt feel like... normal. there was an elephant in the room that was standing right between us. but he refused to address it when i tried to. i guess i got my answer that its not that im weird that i keep getting into these awk situations but that the other person feels weird and that is the thing affecting me. im fucking normal. i cried a bit too like its not that i am not affected by it at all but i think im kind of fine. i anyway didnt see him for 2 weeks now. its just weird bc we had plans which made us be together daily for like 2 weeks straight and um. i dont know if i can do that. even if we are friends bc i dont usually do that w my friends really. its weird. but like. fuck idk.

[newty]

thinking abt (the great) war and disability and dion again.

was reading US surgeon-general/american red cross magazine called "carry on," which was published about and for the war disabled and esp ppl with new amputations. its view is p typical: a man doesnt need to be pitied or given money or he'll become wretched and depressed and a social parasite, so we're going to assure u that u can do all kinds of work, make ur own money, and do everything a normal man can do w some work arounds.

meanwhile hostels like st dunstan's for newly blind ppl chartered rehab programs thru donations by making stock appeals abt sacrifice, bravery, and the terror + misery of losing smth you thought was indelible to ur life once. and these two examples typify a lot of the attitudes that sassoon sums up in 'does it matter?' which, btw, im still pissed that the sass biopic didnt use at the end so that it could quote wilfred owen's 'disabled' instead??? in the end, both of their poetry still has a root in the fear of disability occuring to themselves that i think is more evident than in some fiction writers

jeno heltai's aviator w one arm had everything wrong w his head via hallucinations, alcoholism, distorted sense of time and value, that it was fairly easy to forget that karmel depicted a figure that was frightening to others bc of his amputation + not solely his mental condition. ernst weiss almost does the same thing in his short story abt the man who loses himself in rage and blame after he gets invalidated home bc his genitals got lobbed off in the war. the chara describes how he feels and looks feminized for a bit, and then it kind of gets lost in him ranting abt cows and rocks and killing his wife.

and like, if we take a step back from the stories, theyve created a character made more frightening by their physical disabilities, visible and not, which kind of makes them more and less of people at the same time. they escape the matyr figure and become psychological studies. i want to read more.

i think of how the US economy expected men to return capable of the same work they were doing before (or more), and how, like in larry barretto's writing, they didnt account for how many would be mentally and physically unable to do it. modeled after germany, disabled men were then shuffled through work programs modeled to give them independence through undervalued labor like on farms, which must have exacerbated all kinds of economic class things re: those who had to take care of themselves vs those who had family who could do it for them

anyway. i think back to this again bc i find that when i think of dion, i project this interest on him. ofc i have my right arm amputee dion, but i find myself thinking how any challenge to his relationship w his body, what parts he he has autonomy over, and so on make my brain brrrr. he has nothing of the societal vulnerability of the normal soldier, tho, but his temperament and the jist of the curse, bahamut, and his wider duty attract me to the idea

what if the boom after origin had damaged his hearing, or if he starts to betray symptoms of a concussion? how does he write when the curse stiffness his wrist, does the flying and jumping do anything to his lungs or balance, and do any of his medicines nauseate him? if his foot was twisted or his hip was weak, would he allow himself to walk less or until he couldnt? what narrative would he buy into abt his worth, purpose, and responsibility? i wanna see all kinds of dions

[webslingingslasher]

https://www.tumblr.com/webslingingslasher/739224380667772928/hi-j-can-i-talk-ab-smth-thats-making-me-sad?source=share

thank you🫶🏻. i read this reply earlier and it made me cry bc you’re the only one who actually cares. thanks for letting me talk. also this is long and i’m v sorry but i just wanted to share w someone. part of it gets deep but i swear u don’t have to reply to that part, i fr just wanna make one point ab guys fighting

i hate violence so much. the jokes ab men punching walls don’t make me laugh and men beating the shit out of other guys to protect their girl isn’t attractive to me. i just hate all of it

it used to be funny and attractive until it wasn’t. my dad was so mad at me yesterday bc he was drunk and i wouldn’t give him more alc, that he punched a wall. i took a pic of the hole in my bedroom door and sent it my friends in our gc and we were laughing so hard at it bc white men and punching walls yk? It was so funny and we kept making jokes/memes ab it til i realised he punched the wall bc he couldn’t punch me (i closed my door and he couldn’t get in) and that’s a weird fucking realisation.

i just don’t like any of it and i’m having a v bad day. i told my mum and brother and nobody gets it. they both blame me. it’s ridiculous. and now i’m convincing myself that i DID do something wrong, when i know i didnt. it’s fucking crazy. he could beat the shit out of me (he wouldn’t) and they’d still find a way to make it my fault.

im gna send u my mums response (english is her 3rd language so ignore the mistakes) and she’s literally blaming me.

for context, my dad has a history of abuse (against my mum, yet she still defends him) and my mum is just as bad.

this is what she texted me:

“Ppl have limitations. If you push them they do things or say things and you turn and call names to those can’t bare any more. You should be a bit more patient and a bit more respectful to your parents

You shouldn’t keep shouting at him. We’re both doing our best even we are not the best I know, but as a return I thing we deserve to be respected , if you are better than us then you should understand what I am saying”

i just feel so alone. i stg it’s like no one understands.

anyways long story short i don’t like violence and i don’t find it attractive. i don’t shame anyone / any girls bc i’m a girls girl at heart, but i hate how people have romanticised violence bc it really does send the wrong message to guys and younger boys growing up and hearing “fights are so hot” and “it’s so sexy when guys beat the shit out of other guys” even if they deserved it. like even tho they wouldn’t do that to you, the reminder that they can makes me sick. i just don’t like it and i feel like i’m the only one :/ violence just makes me icky and anxious and scared even if it’s not directed to me/supposed to “protect me” (when it’s at another guy at a bar or whatever).

thanks for listening to my rant. ur legit my bestie. i have an anon emoji & we’re mutuals/we talk on here like all the time but i don’t wanna use it on this

ily

i don’t think you’re wrong for having this opinion or have it belong in an unpopular opinion category. i think the issue is that violence (esp w. men) has been so desensitized that it’s “normal.”

i also don’t like violence and grew up with an angry man in my home. i will never be an angry man and i will never be with one for that reason. but when i read something fictional i feel like im taking control back (? if that makes sense.) because i can “control” the violence.

your dad was wrong, and it was wrong of your mom to try and protect him. you deserve to feel safe and i’m sorry you don’t. i’m here always <3

[luckyqueenreign]

Playing s2 again.. Saying to myself I’ll do a loyal Gary route. Meanwhile thinking about Noah and how I’m going to fall down that rabbit hole again. I swear idk what it is but after doing his route I just keep wanting to do his route. I think you’ve said you love Noah right? Got some headcannons for him and MC while in the villa? 👀

BESTIE THIS IS LITERALLY ME!!!

after my first Noah route I was like let me try a different route and then immediately fell back into Noah. When you actually do a route without flirting with him or picking his options it's actually heartbreaking bc he basically ignores u and I cant handle that.

for some Noah/MC HCs...in my playthroughs I always have MC choose Noah first bc I picture that even that even though he didnt step forward for her there was an instant gravitational pull that made MC at least see what might be with Noah. And when she chooses him he's always so surprised which I liken to him thinking MC is completely out of his league and would never choose him so why bother stepping forward and embarrassing himself. I always felt like Noah was a tiny bit insecure at the start of the show but slowly he gains more confidence as the season progresses.

MC is a girls girl. She helps her friends in anyway she can and she's never been snakey before but no matter how hard she tries she finds herself being pulled back to Noah. And the other guys see it too. So many of them find MC to be super attractive but they can all see her loyalties lie elsewhere. it's why she's in so many couples throughout the season. They all notice that MC always seems to choose Noah in challenges, or how she really laughs at his jokes, and how she fully listens and hangs on every word he says. But they also see that Noah does the exact same thing. he watches her when he thinks no one is looking, he walks past her a little closer than he needs to just to have a momentary touch, she's always the first person he looks for in the room and smiles at when they wake up in the morning. Their hugs last a little longer than they should and their chats always last a little longer than they should.

I literally have so many and this post could go on forever. I LOVE me some Noah.

[khodorkovskaya]

After I split with my ex, it took me a while to get my head around it, like justifying to myself that I wasnt in the wrong etc andthat the way he was treating me was wrong and I shouldn't feel guilty about breaking it off etc.... I ended up trying to do like a 3rd point of view perspective thing... so like, I would explain everything that happened and how I felt and then try to see it from another point of view so like this other point of view would go. . "So you didnt reply to his message within an hour because you were literally in a college class which he knew beforehand, and he took the huff and wouldnt speak to you for over day as punishment?? You shouldn't not feel bad about ending it" obvs I had more extreme examples too lol but I dony wanna delve into them much it's like baggage ahaha

But afterwards, like when i was over him and had no feelings towards him etc, i thought i was fine and then discovered i wasnt... so like i could meet someone and really like them and find them attractive etc, and their personality and vibe really well and when I started to fancy this guy I was like omg yes thisnis nice and he acc seems a lot nicer than my ex woop woop. But then as soon I started to think about being in an actual romantic relationship with him I couldnt, I felt physically sick and anxious??? I literally couldn't face the idea of a relationship being like my previous one and I realised that while I was over him, I had some other issues as a result of the relationship I had to deal with instead.

I did get over it though

I've actually forgotten the point I was making with this message now so I do apologise for that sorry

But I thought he hadnt cared too, like he would delete every single pic of us literally within an hour of us breaking up.... he blocked me, and things he didnt block me on, he would post stuff like "good riddance" and stuff that basically made out he didnt care and it was all me etc and that I meant nothing to him....... he would add all these girls and shared their photos with hearts etc....

Anyway like a few months later he literally tried to get in touch saying he was sorry and he missed me and thought about me everyday etc and couldnt get over me

I ignored him though and that was that

I guess this is just a bit of a sharing story, I hope it helps in some way????? Sorry if it doesnt though.......

yeah, the looking at what happened from an outsider's perspective is a really good method. makes things a lot clearer and easier to see. and yeah thanks for sharing your story, it makes me feel less alone <3

but yeah, im definitely scared of falling in love again. but i really hope that the next time it happens, im gonna be more mature and sensible and things will be clearer for me. i mean obviously that's gonna be the case cos i fell in love with B when i was 17 and even now things would be different. but the thought of being in a relationship any time soon makes me very anxious. i think my next serious relationship is gonna be in like 5 years from now. for now the vibe is celibacy all the way!

i wonder how i would feel if B reached out to me again. bc i know it's very stupid of me, but it makes me sad that he didn't try to get me back, you know? like he didn't fight for me. he tried a little bit and maybe i have high expectations, but it didn't feel like it was enough. a deep dark side of me wishes he suffered more. and don't get me wrong, he did suffer. i left him without a warning and i still feel terribly guilty about that. the night i left he stood outside my parents' balcony and shouted my name and thinking about that makes my skin crawl. i feel awful. but at the same time something about that was so satisfying bc it felt like he had finally acknowledged me and my feelings.

but idk. maybe im spiteful and vengeful. and sadistic. but i fantasise about him begging me on his knees to take him back and crying and sleeping by my front door and following me around like a puppy dog asking for forgiveness. the last time we saw each other and had sex i strangled him, wishing i could actually choke him to death. i wanted to see despair in his eyes and absolute submission to me. like finally, after all the suffering i had endured, finally i could have full control over him and make him mine. you know?

but he never fought for me. and from a sensible perspective, that's good. he accepted my rejection and left me alone. and that kind of things requires great discipline, so good for him i guess. im thankful for that. but from like a twisted toxic perspective, i wish he'd message me saying that he misses me.

[britneyshakespeare]

yeah i'm sorry i can't stop thinking about Man because i. i think i'm not one with extremely conventional tastes in beauty at all, not with men specifically either, and i think there's more to what makes a person attractive than their appearance.

for what it's worth, the guy who was my muse in high school, who i basically cut my teeth on writing all my early poems, i did NOT first notice him because i thought he was the hottest guy in school at ALL. he was short and quite dorky. he had nice features, especially his eyes, but he was noooo model. i liked him and plenty of other girls did because he was incredibly smart and funny and creative. that was more than attractive enough for me.

and then until recently the worst crush of my adulthood was Man, and Man is goooorgeous. but. i did not have a crush on Man when i first met him, although i did find him MIGHTY attractive. i remember very well the first time i laid eyes on him. i remember it was march 7, 2019. i was in a lobby sitting at a table writing some poetry (i remember the date because i recall the poem i was working on and i date my papers), and he walked up to me, mistaking me for someone else. my GOD while this man was walking up to me i was like "ok... i don't know him... but i'm feasting my eyes" and he quickly realized he didn't actually know me but he was like oh, it's nice to meet you, how is your semester going anyway? and just the cock of his head and his manner of talking was so. fucking. smooth. it left an impression on me. the conversation was not long. i ran into him a few more times, but i barely thought of him as an acquaintance.

i had a CRUSH on MAN, when i found out that he had written all my favorite poems in the college literary arts magazines that i fangirled over. i felt like i had met percy shelley or something. i literally joked that he was "somebody's husband" because of how perfect and unattainable he seemed. eventually i just added him on fb; didn't even know if he'd accept bc i associated so little with him, i'm not sure he'd remember who i was. he DID and he started flirting w me and the rest is history... blah. i've always been intimidated by him though so any time he's thrown me a line to hang out, i've never taken the bait. i don't know if i can trust his intentions and that's the most gutwrenching part of it; i guess that's the reason i'll never get over him. i can't believe someone like that would really just want to see or know me. IF YOU SAW HIM!!! please...

and then with WC i've never had so stupid a crush, so unfounded, since i was a kid. and it is based almost entirely on the fact that he looks like an angel. he does not look like a male model (mostly cuz he's like 5'9... not that i care!!! i truly don't)... but he's GORGEOUS and my friends who knew him in high school were like yeah he was always like a good-looking guy, lots of girls liked him. i CAN believe that because holy hell. and i keep thinking of Man because like, is this just it? is this the pattern of my life? like in gentlemen prefer blondes: "she's just dumb. always falling with some man because he's good-looking." i NEVER thought i was like this.

with Man i was always able to tell myself there was an inner quality to him that made him attractive me to me. and there IS. but my goodness does his face do much of the heavy-lifting....... i'm not sure i ever would've been so afraid of him if he weren't beautiful, and he didn't know he was beautiful! he LITERALLY had being beautiful as his first adult career, and he takes good care of himself (vain little thing!) (the man has no modesty, but i really do respect it on him, because honesty is the best policy)...

not to mention Man did so much to go out of his way and be really sweet to me sometimes and say kind things out of the blue that make me feel seen and understood 🤢😒🤬😖🙄🥴 NOT THAT I CARE!!!!!!!!!! ....... i swear i dont!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then with WC i'm just confounded. cuz i didnt think i got crushes that baseless (based on little more than his appearance, that is, and how he carries himself... not that i've seen so much of it). i don't know him. i don't know him! i didn't even have a crush on Man when i knew this little about him... and that's saying something!!!!! why do i look forward to just seeing him.... WHYYYY does he have this effect on me it's sooooo unnecessary. there's nothing for me to even idealize or romanticize about him other than the very mere simple fact that he is attractive and my pulse changes when he walks by. it's gross!! make it stop....

[caz-is-gay]

so. currently actually sobbing bc i made the horrible decision to look through techno’s channel. i saw the gravity mod vid he posted after the announcement that he had cancer. i remember being so happy. sbi content! god. i still haven’t watched the video. yknow the one. a year ago i tried to watch squids video on part of the potato war. i didnt get 3 mins in b4 i heard his voice (he was celebrating!! he was happy!) and started crying. maybe in a decade ill be able to watch it and smile. and ill be able to watch the new one, and old ones and laugh like i used to. i looked through the community posts. he really loved birds, didnt he? i feel so bad for his dad.

june 2022. worst month of my life i think. everything happened at once. on june 1st lizzy was over. i was so desperately in love with her. still in denial about the inevitable friend zone. we went to zydecos grad party! she left halfway through to call her ex. they got back together. the facade was broken. obviously she didn’t like me back and anything romantic with her is a pipe dream. (i mean who would ever love to be attracted to an ugly fat pig like me?) so lizzy is over. im trying to ignore the heartbreak. then i hear the news. techno died. my sister hears it from a friend and tells me. the ppl we have over dont get it. they dont get why it hits me so hard, and god i dont want to explain it. so i pretend im fine. keep hosting, keep being nice. every second is agony! i cry myself to sleep. that had stopped a few months ago. i wasnt suicidal anymore but god. 2 weeks later im starting to back to *normal* levels of summer break depression. my dad finds out. he loved techno. im gone again. my mom fonds out, she doesn’t know who he is., doesn’t know the other 3 ppl at the table have already been grieving. shes lost so many to cancer. “did you hear about that minecraft youtuber who died of cancer? he was only 23, its so sad” i didnt know what to say. “yes i watched him everyday for 4 years his videos were the only thing that could get me to sleep when i started having suicidal thoughts if not for him i wouldn’t be here and now he dead.” yeah.

i still didn’t get over lizzy for months. fantasizing about a life with her was my escape. it was unrealistic and i couldn’t think about her like that anymore. then my dad brought covid home from work. june 23rd, my mom almost dies. thats the worst day of my life. it was mcc day. i was watching it on my tv, because my dad went to see his parents and mom was sick. she had been in bed for days. she got sick a lot. she had bronchitis for 10 years at this point. i was taking care of her. she was obviously delirious. asking me to pour water on her because she was so hot. i didnt know what to do. i waited for so long. i couldn’t deal with this right now i needed to de stress not have more. it got too much, i called my dad and he said she must have high blood sugar. fuck. i looked at her insulin log, nothing written for 2 days. fuck fuck fuck. he told me, if she cant draw her own blood for a reading, call 911. so we did. she could have died. if i waited any longer she could have passed out and stopped breathing. she went to the hospital. medically induced coma, intubated. she had told us many times shed rather die than be on a ventilator. none of us mentioned it. she was in a coma for 2 weeks. woke up, had to be in vent for longer. she was finally extubated. she couldn’t talk but she managed to be sarcastic still. i had to hold back tears. best day of my life.

that month changed the course of my life forever. my disability was most likely caused by the mild covid infection i got b4 my mom got sick. my mom doesn’t have a fungal lung infection anymore. my parents are sleeping in the same room again, and going to therapy. my mom has a cgm and a cpap and is on top of her health.

i cant stand the sounds of artificial breathing after sitting next to her for so long. im more afraid of my future than ever. im still getting over my best friend (fuck being demiromantic man) and i am still crying over technoblade.