#bc i am still the same gloomy sad bitch i was back then

[emotionalsupportvape]

.

[spudmcloughlin]

14, 20, 33 & 36 for "talk about" thing (◠﹏◠✿)

14: Talk about a vacation

Oh boy here we go. So we just got back from a vacation but I’d hardly call it a “vacation” cos the only one that enjoyed it was my dad and my mom and aunt made it more stressful than it should’ve been. That being said...

So we pack up the truck and drive for 4 HOURS just to get out of Florida. It’s fuckin huge and if you really tried you could probably make a trip from Tallahassee to Miami a solid 10 hours. We go up through Georgia and into Tennessee (and the whole time I’m counting the different license plates I see), and we stopped for the night at Athena Inn. Boy was that a fuckin mistake. The room was nice and the shower was fucking BOMB and there was a circle K right next to the motel where I got a Cherry Garcia but that’s about where the benefits stop. We got there at like 10:30 and settled into the room at 11 but what we didn’t realise was that there was a club next door. I was just too tired and fell asleep really fast but my mom apparently couldn’t get to sleep all night because of the people going back and forth from the club on the street and of course our room faces the street. So the inn itself was ok but it could’ve picked somewhere better to be. So then we drive another million hours the next day and stop in Cincinnati in the prettiest Embassy Suites I’ve ever seen. We went to dinner at this Firehouse Grill where we had like the best waitress ever and we kept seeing this other waiter just all grumpy and mad about something he looked like he wanted to burn the place down. That didn’t happen and I had the best chili ever. Not really but it was good chili. So then the next day WE GO TO KINGS FUCKING ISLAND. Of course my dad and sister and I went immediately to hit the Beast but it was closed so we hit the Diamondback and Mystic Timbers and THEN went on the Beast. My sister was near tears in the line but when we got off she begged us to go again. So we spent the day there and like halfway through the day we went on the log flume in Planet Snoopy which was a bad idea because for the rest of the day I walked around in soggy socks and tennis shoes. #worthit

We crashed at the hotel again and I took some of their conditioner the next morning before we left and we drove another couple hours to Tappan Lake because apparently Kings Island WASN’T the main part of the vacation. Dammit. My aunt and uncle have an RV in this trailer park in Literally Nowhere, OH so we camped in that for a week and a half. Oh and there was ZERO cell service. We did get out though, we ate at restaurants more than we ate at the RV. Father’s Day was on my grandpa’s birthday this year and since he just passed we all got together with all of the family at Tuscora Park. I saw cousins I didn’t even know I had. So I thought it was gonna be all about grandpa but nah we just kinda did our own thing. I went on this shitty roller coaster that probably could’ve broken my back if I went on it a few more times. Then the Shoe Incident.

My sister was playing with my little cousin Vivian and somehow Vivi’s shoe ends up on top of the pavilion we set everything up under. Since my sister and I are the tallest ones there probably, WE had to get it. I climb up and sit on my sister’s shoulders but I couldn’t reach it. My uncle gets an extension cord and tries to lasso it from a distance, then gives it to me to try to lasso it from up close. Nope. THEN AUNT LORI COMES BACK FROM HER CAR WITH A METAL DETECTOR. I get up on my sister’s shoulders yet again with the metal detector in my hand and I scrape the top of the roof with it and at this point my entire family has stopped whatever they were doing to watch us. I still couldn’t reach it so I tell my sister to get up onto the concrete foundation making us 2 inches taller. Let me repeat that. MY 10-YEAR-OLD SISTER STEPPED UP ONTO A 2-INCH HIGH CONCRETE FOUNDATION WHILE I WAS SITTING ON HER SHOULDERS AND HAD BEEN FOR PROBABLY A TOTAL OF 5 MINUTES. THAT BITCH MAY BE REAL ANNOYING BUT I WILL NEVER DENY HER STRENGTH. I scrape the top of the roof again and my mom yells that I got it, so I just keep doing the same motion over and over until FINALLY Vivian’s blue flip flop falls down onto the ground. You’re probably reading this and sarcastically saying “Oh sure and then everyone clapped” AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT BITCH MY ENTIRE FAMILY CHEERED FOR US BECAUSE WE GOT THE FLIP FLOP DOWN. And after that people started leaving and then my parents took me and all my siblings to my aunt Kathy’s house where we crashed for the night and ate all of her cookies (which were fucking amazing and she gave me the recipe for them bitchhhhhh). After that it was kind of a blur, I FORGOT TO SAY the aunt and uncle that own the RV also have a houseboat which my sisters and brother and I all stayed on for like 3 days and we were on the lake the whole time and when I went back to the RV it all felt super wobbly but bitch I got to swim in a deep-ass lake so it was worth it

When we left on Friday we went to North Carolina so my sister could see her internet girlfriend like bitch I should’ve been first wait your turn. She was super cute and kind of goals and we all went out to dinner together and my sister spent the night at her house while we all went to another Embassy Suites get rekt bitch. This one had a fucking RIVER RUNNING THROUGH IT. There was a big rock fountain and a ton of koi and a bridge and everything it was beautiful. We only stayed for a night though but whatever but then we went to Savannah, GA and walked around downtown which was cool bc there were street performers and painters and tons of people and it felt really lively. We went to a restaurant for dinner (go figure) and then got back to whatever hotel we stayed in and idk what we did really but then the next day we came back home and it felt really weird and I’m still adjusting to not having to walk down the street to use the bathroom and not having to press the button 80 times in the shower for the water to come on like I did at the RV park. Anyway yeah despite everything we did it was kinda sucky but if we were in a hotel the whole time instead of Literally Nowhere it would’ve been bomb. So that was my Ohio “vacation”.

20: Talk about something that happened in high school

Last year was my freshman year so I don’t have much but I made some of the best and the worst friends ever. I had an amazing geometry teacher and he made me really love that class, I had a friend that moved schools halfway through the year so that kinda sucked, I took college classes (I still am over summer ughhhh), I was on the swim team, I passed out (not in school) when it was hot, I had a huge hoodie on, I hadn’t eaten or drank anything all day, and I stood up real fast. I was at the swim club waiting for my sister’s practice to finish when I got up to get water and as I was going up the boardwalk stairs I felt lightheaded and my vision started to go, then the next thing I knew I couldn’t see anything and I felt something hit my leg (which was really me falling on the boardwalk). Then when I opened my eyes I had like 5 moms surrounding me asking if I was okay and what happened and do I need water and of course that stressed me the fuck out because I didn’t know what happened and I didn’t see my mom hovering above me like a vulture like everyone else was so I started crying. Then my mom finally came over and took me inside and the coach at the club got me a bag of ice and a Coke and I just kinda sat there for the rest of the time while my sister swam. Also side note I was carrying my phone when I passed out and when I looked over it flew out of my hand and it was by the door like what if some bitch took it while I was laying there unconscious for 3 seconds. So that was kind of the highlight of my year. OH also someone at school died of bone cancer on a Friday and then over the weekend a senior committed suicide so that was really fucking sad but then on either Monday or Tuesday there were  tons of sticky notes all over the lockers and around the school saying things like “you matter” and “you are loved” and that kind of thing and it was really sweet.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad

If I’m really upset about something, I’ll usually lay on my bed and cry for a bit. I don’t do anything to stop being sad I just let it happen. If I’m just feeling down for seemingly no reason, I leave my room, go downstairs, get water, do something that gets me out of my room and I would say I would take a walk but I really don’t. And sometimes I watch youtube because Shane’s giant cake videos are incredibly stupid and I love them

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures

Laying on my bed all day watching youtube or listening to music, not doing anything or getting up at all for any reason. Most likely it’s on a rainy gloomy day. Also baking. I can’t go a week without baking which was another reason the vacation kinda sucked.

Thank you for asking!!!

Talk about...

[allyousaidisshit]

1-100 🐬🐬

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more milk

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? no

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? sheets of paper

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? i don’t drink coffee unless it is this sugary ass coffee from the super market / i drink my tea without anything

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? yes, i’m conscious of everything lol

6: do you keep plants? yip

7: do you name your plants? why would i

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? photography idk??

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yes 

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? 1. “du gute Hure” 2. “Stangentanz” 3. “Jesus M.”

12: what's your favorite planet? idk the earth lol

13: what's something that made you smile today? my friends

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? it would be fucking messy like really really really messy

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! your weight on mercury would be 38% of your weight on earth

16: what's your favorite pasta dish? Spaghetti 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Silver

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. - i once managed to throw one friend of mine over my shoulders - wrestling style AND I DIDN’T MEAN TO

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I have like a diary of a genius and i write in it once in 231423 years

20: what's your favorite eye color? blue

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. - I have a love/ hate relationship with my blue Leo print bag that i take with me to school since like idk 8th grade

22: are you a morning person? i’m not that moody in the morning

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? obsess over gayness and watch random youtube videos

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? i don’t even trust myself

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? never did that

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? Dr. Martens 1460 in black but they have like flowers in black on it

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? peppermint 

28: sunrise or sunset? sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? my friends aren’t cute, they are Horen

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes, in 3rd grade bc of a stupid youtube video

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. - i don’t like to wear socks

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. - it was my 16th birthday and we went outside into my garden, played a stupid song and played with glow sticks

33: what's your fave pastry? idk

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i don’t remember a stuffed animal that i was obsessed with

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i like pretty pens, but i am to stupid to use them soooo

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? Queen bc queen fits always

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i would like to keep it clean but it isn’t 

38: tell us about your pet peeves! - stupid people

39: what color do you wear the most? black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? - golden earrings that my grandparents bought for me, i love them and wear them ever since

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? Harry Potter

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! don’t have one

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? My friends

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? i don't know

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? yes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. - i can’t think of one

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? - Brussels sprouts

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? - spiders idk and no it isn’t

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I love to buy CDs, the last one was a Freddie Mercury one

50: what's an odd thing you collect? i don’t think that there is anything odd about keeping post cards and other travel related stuff

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Bohemian Rhapsody

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? myself, I’m my favorite meme

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? nope

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? one of my friends

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? i honestly don’t remember

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? their smile

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? bitch this is my fucking favorite song of all time, i fucking celebrate it

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? - idk

59: what's your favorite myth? - idk

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? - well i enjoy the poetry in Kill your darlings

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? i once gave toilet paper with asians on it to someone

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? don’t drink any

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? - they are inside of a shelf

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? black

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? many people

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? idk

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? idk

68: what's winter like where you live? cold and idk

69: what are your favorite board games? Mensch ärgere dich nicht

70: have you ever used a ouija board? nope

71: what's your favorite kind of tea? peppermint

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?kinda

73: what are some of your worst habits? saying stupid stuff that offends people

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. - stupid and a hoe

75: tell us about your pets! i have a bunny

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? nope

77: pink or yellow lemonade? idk

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? hateclub

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? existing 

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? pastel pink and i choose it because i liked it

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. - the ocean

82: are/were you good in school? i am very good

83: what's some of your favorite album art? idk

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? yes, mostly words and lyrics

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? don’t read them

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? idk

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Harry Potter

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? idk

89: are you close to your parents? depends, but yes

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. i love London, it is just really beautiful

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? Italy

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? i don’t like cheese on pasta

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? open

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my cousin

95: what are your plans for this weekend? i’m traveling to Italy

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? i procrastinate 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INTP, Gemini, Slytherin

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? never went hiking

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. bohemian rhapsody

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? idk, it’s difficult to answer that

[whambamthankyoubram]

ALL OF THEM IM A NOSEY BITCH

YOU ALWAYS DO THIS

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? MORE CEREAL THAN MILK OBVIOUSLY I’M NOT SATAN

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? No bc my cheeks are cold as hell and I need warmth

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? I fold the corners or put little mailings/postcards in them, whatever I have laying around!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? Tea, nothing; coffee, milk only!

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes :( There’s a gap in my teeth and I hate it. I wish my teeth were perfect.

6: do you keep plants? Nope.

7: do you name your plants? Can’t name the plants you don’t keep, my dude

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Uhhhh...no?

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? YES all the time.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Side!

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? 

12: what's your favorite planet? Pluto bc it is still a planet okay

13: what's something that made you smile today? My boyfriend’s Snapchats

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Messy af

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! “In space, the skin on your feet peels off.” EW SPACE WTF

16: what's your favorite pasta dish? MMMMMM any pasta tbh I’m Italian I will eat anything

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I love my hair color the way it is now!

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. My ex never let me forget the time I was passed out on his couch, and I woke up intermittently before falling back asleep. He was watching Rush Hour. I asked him, (HALF ASLEEP MIND YOU), Oh, is this the movie with Chris Rock and Bruce Lee? (I’m awful).

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I write my thoughts and crazy paranoia in there boyyyyyeeeee

20: what's your favorite eye color? BROWN

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. Uhhhhh it’s a longchamp bc I’m a white girl

22: are you a morning person? Not really

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? SLEEP!

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Not sure

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? I’ve never broken into anything omg

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My Uggs, because I’m a white girl

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? Mint

28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? My BFF giggles sometimes when she talks and idk it’s cute

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Fuck yes, have you ever seen a spider? In your shower? Without your glasses on? 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I LOVE SOCKS! When I get socks for Christmas I get so excited. I can fall asleep with socks on, but at some point in the night, they’re coming off my feet lol.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I ate pizza while I was drunk #wowimsocool

33: what's your fave pastry? Cinnamon buns, does that count?

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Winnie the Motherfuckin Pooh. No :( He fell in the mud and I had to throw him out bc the washer couldn’t fix him

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Fuck yeah I do!

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? Noooo clue tbh

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean, but it’s always a mess

38: tell us about your pet peeves! I hate when the President sniffs into the microphone while he’s delivering some sort of address, blow ur nose next time or stop doing coke

39: what color do you wear the most? Black lol

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? Nose ring, no special meaning I just really like it

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? An Abundance of Katherines bc I fucking love the shit out of John Green

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Not really tbh

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Probably my bf

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? The other night, at the beach! So pretty :)

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I couldn’t think of any, next question

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Aerosol cheese

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Bugs, yes, ew

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? Don’t remember!! I bought the first Glee soundtrack when it came out LOL

50: what's an odd thing you collect? Socks?

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? I associate “All Night” by Chance the Rapper w my bf

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? Salt bae for sure

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? Beetlejuice was the only one, I watched a little of Pulp Fiction - they were both ok

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My friend :( she’s ok now but I saw her the other night and she was upset

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? Not sure 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Laughter and the way people get excited over things

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? It made me feel like I’ve been having too much sugar tonight tbh

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I’M THE WINE MOM!!!! I am the wine QUEEN ok that’s all I ever drink. My bff is the vodka aunt, but she lives miles apart from me so we rarely drink together nowadays 

59: what's your favorite myth? Dude? I don’t have one

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot. 

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? I got a really ugly hat once, and I gave a really ugly hat once, at the same Christmas exchange party 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Nope

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Hell no I’m a living mess

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Black

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? Yes, my bff 

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Mad lilies! They’re my fav flower

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Depressed and tired tbh

68: what's winter like where you live? Cold but not too cold bc you know global warming

69: what are your favorite board games? Scrabble!!

70: have you ever used a ouija board? Yes lol

71: what's your favorite kind of tea? ANY KIND! Right now I’m really feeling ginger turmeric from Trader Joe’s, though, soooo good

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? YES.

73: what are some of your worst habits? Uhhh not going to bed early enough lol

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. This person is a HUGE JARLEY FAN and super adorbs!!! Hates Mon-El and LOVES TO RANT ABOUT IT AND I LOVE THIS PERSON REGARDLESS 

75: tell us about your pets! So I have a dog, he’s almost 12 years old which is really depressing bc he’s probably going to pass on soon :( I’m obsessed with him and love him so much!!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? Yeah, taking my bra off why am I still wearing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade? PINK, always

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? Hate club, get them the fuck away from me

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? One of my old boyfriends learned how to knit for me which I thought was very sweet

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Aqua! Because I like it?

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. “Comets.”

82: are/were you good in school? Not really

83: what's some of your favorite album art? Ohhhh I know this, I love Californication’s album art so much

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I have seven!!

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? No

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Wat

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? The Lion King, BITCH

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Not really

89: are you close to your parents? Yes

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. NEW YORRRRRK. Concrete jungle where dreams are destroyed you’ll never get anywhere go back to long island

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? Somewhere over the summer, not sure where yet tho

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? In the middle

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? Top knots bc I’m lazy

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? The Weeknd LOL

95: what are your plans for this weekend? Date night, then I’m not sure!

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Ohhh I procrastinate so much

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Not sure about the Myer-Briggs type, but I’m a scorpio + Ravenclaw

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? Yes! I think in November. It was chilly, but a lot of fun

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

One Headlight - The Wallflowers (listening now)

Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

Love Drought - Beyonce

Under the Bridge - RHCP

Strip My Mind - RHCP

Literally anything by RHCP

Do You Realize?? - The Flaming Lips (I cry literally every time I listen to it)

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Neither, because I am choosing to live in the MOMENT :) 

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #10 (plus some nuggets of cheeriness and tidbits of gloominess)

Eeee! I’ve been feeling quite the bit more chipper this week me thinks, I feel my efforts and confidence have grown some and even my sis has been noticing and congratulated meeeee ;w; I hope this continues onto next week and beyond! To infinity and beyond! ^^ (Too bad it doesn’t help my terrible memory all that much tho but hmm feels good, man lol and I did make sure to write a few notes so that’s something! :D)

So, my 10th appointment. It actually went pretty good! That sheet which I had to do with the emotions/thoughts/evidence columns and the sort of recap of what I learned, I did end up leaving them till last minute again (like literally less than an hour before the appointment, such badness ahh) but I scrawled it quick and I am so glad I write these posts here because without them I wouldn’t have remembered a lot of the stuff I needed to write! :3 Both physically and mentally, repetition is key! Accidental rhyming wheee!

So, as usual she asked how I was and I just said same-y same as usual, then we went over the sheet I wrote on. She told me to read them out to her and it kinda felt like uhhh but I guess it’s better than her attempting to read my scrawly writing haha. I didn’t read them word for word and some sections were omitted because she asked me for specific columns and stuff though but the main stuff got across. I re-wrote the few things I wrote on the previous sheet, about me going to shops on my own and walking to the post office and trying to converse with customers.

Generally with all of those situations and other similar ones my feelings would be stuff like ‘anxious, tense, nervous, self-conscious, tense, alert, awkward’ rated at a score of something between 80-95% and my thoughts were things like ‘they’re probably wondering what I’m doing there’, ‘they probably think I’m weird/awkward/look a mess or am even stealing’, ‘maybe someone will recognise me or can see I’m anxious’. The evidence to support this was uh, well, tbh I think I wrote nothing (or very little) and I kinda expected this in a way but I guess it depends on how hard you try to nitpick and negatively view the smaller details. 

The lesson is not to speculate and not jump the gun and make all these negative assumptions. Those irrational thoughts up in your mind have no real support, proving they hold not truth and are not to be listened to. They shouldn’t hold you back from doing things you want to do because they’re not real, just your mind conjuring ways to try bring yourself down with false beliefs of things based on past negative things and things that will never actually happen. You ain’t fooling no one no mores mr.snarky pants negative mind! >3<

I did manage to go to the post office again on my own, this time to post something and it went pretty smoothly, except on the way back this one random guy smoking outside his house commented to me something like ‘you should smile, you’ll get up the hill’ and then I kind of awkwardly smiled and walked past quickly and he was like ‘that’s better’. I was walking up a kind of hilly street, maybe a bit huffy looking and deep in concentration, when I saw that guy (he was conversing with someone else at first) and made eye contact a few metres away I actually did try to make myself smile a bit, but I was still feeling kind of tense (especially in my walking too) and I guess my super resting bitch face just didn’t shift and so came the awks.

Because of all the shizz in my past it instantly made me think he was well, mocking me about my appearance, but I pushed that aside immediately because I know this is just a negative assumption, but still I kept thinking back on it and feeling uncomfortable, especially because I actually kind of tried but the opposite happened, sucks. The counsellor told me that she had a similar situation in the past (except it was a gesture to smile while in her car on the road) and at first she felt kind of annoyed and was like wtf because whether she smiled or not was not this person’s business and she needn’t follow a strangers instruction. Yeah, that’s the feeling I had too exactly. But she said that even though this happened, she didn’t let it get to her and ruin her day and even though she wanted to flip him off she just ignored him (she talked quite colloquially and it was pretty awesome lol)

On the other hand though, I do definitely see the comment I got could have been something intended to genuinely try encourage me or cheer me up and I just took it the wrong way at first (though the comment it self is kinda uncomfortably worded imo). I don’t want to overanalyse the words or situation too much though, but I do feel it leans way more to the positive intention, or that’s what I’m gonna stick with, gotta not let my mind make it a negative.��Anyways I got past that and idc about it anymore bc it’s true, it’s my face and imma do whatever I want with it *glares infinitely with short sightedness*. I remember reading an article online in the past about people expecting women to be all smiley all the time or something but who on earth would even be able to smile 24/7 and anyways do everything for yourself as always. 

Even the counsellor agreed that no one could walk around smiling all the time, but when you do smile, even a forced one, it is proven to make you feel a little more happy and it sure does, helps me feel a little more confident and positive too. My sis says she has problems with smiling a lot and sometimes asks me how she looks and I’ve read other people struggle with it to and have to practice it. I’ve kinda been inadvertently practicing it myself, but never really held one out in public unless I genuinely felt cheerful, though lately I have been trying to get more comfortable with it and it’s going alright. Being more observant of others and the little things that naturally bring smiles helps too, there’s a lot to appreciate out there like the pretty scenery and weather, cute kiddies and elderly people, it gives back the feeling that everything’s not all that bad out there and that there’s a lot more things to smile about ^^

Anyways back to what I was saying about the sheet. There was also a column supporting against the thoughts and I put some things like ‘no one recognised me or approached me about things’ (maybe excluding dat 1 guy of course lol) and there was a column for a more realistic view on things and I wrote stuff like ‘everyone is busy doing their own thing’ (aka. no1curr lol) then proceeded to re-score my feelings and they dropped down to something between the range of uhhh ‘30-70%’ (I don’t have the sheet on me so moar memory fails lol). It shows that everything is actually nowhere near as bad as you’d assume, if you never tried you wouldn’t have been able to see this and would have been stuck still thinking the same catastrophic things and even escalating them further and scaring yourself more. You need to take a more realistic view on things, base things on facts and not believe what you hear from the dark space in your head or see through pessimism clouded glasses.

During all this discussion she praised me a lot, told me how far I’ve come and I was like ‘uhh ahhh thanks’ and ‘it’s thanks to you’ and she was like no no it’s all your doing >< She also praised me about going to the shoe shop and getting my refund (lol) and going to other places especially on my own. I am very thankful for her help and her pushing me to get my lazy mopey ass up, counselling/therapy do recommend! ^^ I’m glad I decided to go and I’m glad I tried because it really helped me get out of this dark hole I fell in and lived in for so long, though I still roll back down there a lot but at least I know how to get out now! Only one session left, feel kind of sad about it *sigh* I kinda feel like I wanna gift something but idk if I should (or what I would give anyways, I’m so hella poor and indecisive rn) ;;

The next thing we did was talk about my next steps towards my goal of getting a job. She told me to volunteer at some places like charities so that I’d be able to gain the experience and have references. I took the idea on board but was thinking maybe I could get some work experience at where my sister works if possible. I’m kinda chickening out a little I know, but I have actually gained a little bit of experience from a charity shop before in the past during school time and I can’t say I loved the experience, not to say this time would be the same but idk... tbh I really like where my sis works, I would love to actually apply for it someday, to have a taste of it now would be very useful to me. Who knows how things will go or where I’ll be next, it could go really great if I try hard enough, I really need to believe in myself more and learn to just go with the flow.

My sis was feeling a bit sad about work lately though, that the pay is not high enough and said something to me like ‘if you were working we wouldn’t be struggling as much’ and it totally drained away any cheerfulness I had that day. If I could have, I would’ve been working years ago like I wanted to, it’s just... ahhhhh..! *eternal wailing and angst*. My sister helps my parents financially often when needed and funds things for me too, there’s that feeling of me being a burden again, but I am trying this time..! Feels bad man ;; Now’s not the time to be falling back into gloominess, one of my biggest motivations to work and make money is so my parents won’t have to, so they can rest and have free time to have fun, so we can spend time together too! I want to be able to save up enough money so we can all go somewhere nice and afford nice things. I need to try much much harder, c’mon I can do it..!

She didn’t ask about the recap notes I was asked to write, so I prompted her about it and I’m glad I did (and didn’t just hope she forgot so she wouldn’t look at it like how I always tried to wiggle out of my homework being seen at school lol), because none of it was wrong or silly like I thought it may be, in fact it was great! (Hah! Eat those facts silly thoughts!). I read it all out and she was impressed and praised me about that too, that I had learned all these things and remembered them and taken them on board successfully. For next time I have a whole bunch of sheets to fill in, ones to do with what I’ve learned and my goals for the future etc. I‘m already feeling that mental fatigue just thinking about it, but I’m not gonna leave it till last minute this time! Time to break the habit and just do it!!

In my own time, I do feel I am more comfortable going out more, even though its just something as mundane as going to the supermarket, but not feeling so anxious or afraid feels great! I feel like I can almost be ‘normal’ in those kinds of environments. I went to the big shopping centre again, this time with my sis’s bf’s mum there too and I made lots of effort to converse with her even though I suck at speaking my second language, I tried real hard and it was good and my sis was impressed and even I’m proud of myself. I wanted to be less awkward with relatives and I feel I’ve begun to slowly bridge that gap lately, build up better relationships or impressions and such.

In the shopping centre I browsed around feeling pretty comfy and chipper, the only time I tensed a little was when buying food in a busy food court, passing some guys (lame I know) and when I had some awk but kinda comically awkward moments with the store guy at this shoe shop I went to, but I tried real hard there too and I successfully got some shoes in the end for me (and my mum too) and they were much comfier than that previous shop I had to refund to lol! I still haven’t worn them out yet and they are still a lil snug for me but I hope they loosen a little over time and become real comfy like the old ones I have and wear all the time. (Afterwards I noticed that guy at the shoe shop reaaaally reminds me of this one from one of those viral twitter posts too and I can’t unsee it lmaooo xD)

I feel like I’ve been taking care of myself a bit better, so my appearance improved a little and my self confidence has gone up a little more which is also why I’m feeling better about going out. I wanna continue to try do things to improve myself, for myself! As with everything, the more effort, the better the result! :D I want to stop bringing up excuses for why I can’t go out or do things, because there is nothing really stopping me but myself and my habitual unwillingness. I can do everything if I put my mind to it hoo! (Or maybe not put my mind to it? You know ‘cause it likes to go off on it’s own spiral of doom haha)

I also baked the same cookies I made previously but with an improved/non-improvised recipe and it turned out even better omnomnom ^^ I also tried making hummus and well it wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad, it was good for a first try! I wanna try make something else next, I’m pumped! Keep trying, keep learning! :D

In my art related postings, I’m still kind of hibernating and I really really hate that I’m still like this, I’m still seriously overthinking things here and it makes me so mad at myself uuuugh! I keep itching to comment on things too but have been holding myself back there too cause I still feel ashamed and am just hiding and avoiding again. I keep waiting for the motivation to come or a spell of confidence or even numbness to the fear of judgement but it’s just wasting more time because I’m not doing or moving forward. I don’t want to be too hard on myself though, because the other things have been taking up my time and thought space and are technically much more important but I do want to also get somewhere with this too. Man, I’m such a frustrating person .___.”

I read somewhere recently that motivation only really comes after you tried and showed yourself you can do it and then it spurs you on. I feel this is very true. Even though I have not been able to sit down and commit myself to drawing or experimenting with mediums seriously yet, I’ve still done some small comforting doodles on scraps when driven by my feelings or boredom and even though they aren’t the most beautiful and detailed things, I still like them and impressed myself a little too, it does make me want to try some more. So why aren’t I doing so? Remember it doesn’t have to be perfect silly me! It doesn’t matter what other people think! Do it for yourself! >w<

Now that I’ve written this post imma do something good and useful and fulfilling! I’ll either fill in those sheets for next week, do some art related things or spend time with my parents! I can do it! I’m doing well! I can do even better! Go go go! *^*

Have a great evening! Keep going! ^^