#bc he has the worst mood swings for literally no reason

[ssongsboo]

im gonna kms

[yesimwriting]

The Promise of Rain, Blurb 3

Technically the third in a blurb-ish series (though this is kinda long for a blurb lol) but can technically be read as a stand alone, but i think the other parts make this seem more significant lol

A/n kinda angsty, not sure if i loveeee this but i haven’t posted a fic in such a long time bc of graduation chaos but now it’s summer and i’m working on a lot of requests/stories :))

Summary: jealousy is out of place when there’s no real warrant for it, and sometimes it’s okay to be content--to not need the rain to make you promises. 

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x sunshine-y! reader

--

Tiredness dulls the part of me that craves the rambunctious, but I’m still positive. I smile when someone does something only the truly inebriated find comical. I laugh when something somewhat actually funny happens, and I let the world around me drink. Twenty minutes--in twenty minutes I will claim a headache and go upstairs. 

“You okay, y/n?” Jesper’s concern would border on genuinely considerate if it wasn’t for the slightest hint of slur in his words. Nights in which he consols himself after losing game after game are when he’s the friendliest. “You’re strangely quiet--you’re never quiet.” 

I press my lips together oddly, smiling in a way that finally reaches my eyes. Jesper’s nice in an oddly particular way when he’s tipsy. Overly observant and careful. “Just a little tired,” I shift in my seat, leaning back against the plush seat in Kaz’s office, “I wish Kaz would just get here and dismiss us so I can go to bed.” 

Jesper smiles, lifting his arm slightly and causing his glass to sway. Kaz is not going to take it well when he realizes that Jesper was extremely involved in the downstairs celebration. He turns ungracefully, moving to sit next to me with no warning. I half-heartedly glare as he takes up most of the small couch. 

“You’re grumpy when you’re tired,” Jesper hums, stretching his casually. 

I sigh once, but it lacks any bite. “I do not.” 

He smiles easily, tilting his head so far to the side that it falls against the back of the seat, “No...but I know the real reason you’re grumpy.” 

Rolling my eyes, I suppress my instinctual reaction. That would only expose his words as true. “I am not grumpy, there is no reason--” 

“You know he hated it.” 

I exhale, tired and slowly losing my fragine hold on fake tranquility. “Yeah.” That should make it  better. “I know.” It doesn’t--it doesn’t make anything better. 

So the contact we so desperately needed on our side took to flirting with Kaz. It was an uncomfortable situation because of its precariousness and I was worried because I know about his issues with touch. But it’s not like I care about the flirting part. No. It was unprofessional and so easily turned messy--that’s what my problem was.

Jesper sighs, stretching even more. I let him stretch his legs over me, too tired to push him off. I sigh, setting my chin on his bent knees. “What’s with the face, l/n?” 

I roll my eyes again. Sometimes having someone care about you is annoying. I take back all of my positive thoughts about him--Jesper Fahey is an annoying drunk. 

“There’s no face,” despite my words, I feel my expression sour even further. Jesper’s expression shifts from that of gentle worry to teasing pride. “And if there was one, it wouldn’t be because of Kaz Brekker.”

Jesper’s lips twitch upwards, something strange tainting his tipsy grin. “I never said a name.” 

“One more condescending comment, and I’m shoving you off this damn couch.” 

He laughs flatly, shifting closer and making himself more comfortable. Drunk and touchy--anyone else would have been slapped by now. “You’re nicer after some of this.” 

He holds his glass out towards me casually, amber liquid sloshing slightly. I blink at the liquid with slight disinterest. I’m not exactly in the drinking mood...but I’m not exactly in the mood for any of this. The sound of the door opening doesn’t phase me--it’s not Inej, because she never lets herself be heard. Kaz doesn’t say anything, taking one dull step and then another, footsteps leaching the room of any warmth. The coldness he exudes so easily as a mask is strong tonight, I haven’t even looked at him and I can feel it. 

Maybe I do need a drink. 

I take the glass from Jesper, taking a quick and shallow sip of the liquid. It’s offensive in smell, taste, and the way it spills down my throat. The taste is much more intense than expected, some of the liquid slips past the corner of my mouth. Somehow more bitter than this moment, the liquid leaves me ready to splutter like a child. I exhale, pushing through the burning. Jesper moves his hand forward absentmindedly, wiping a single drop of liquid from my chin carelessly. The gesture would be sweet if my throat burned less. 

“Jesper,” the warmth of the alcohol takes root in my chest, “That’s--” He laughs at my reaction, coaxing a smile from me. “Like literally the worst--why do you even have this?” If this is served in the Crow Club, I’ve never heard of it, this is the kind of under the counter alcohol that isn’t mass produced. 

He laughs a little more freely. “Won it off of someone passing through--I don’t always lose.” 

I wrinkle my nose, “An outlier shouldn’t be--” 

“Oh, shut up.” Jesper laughs again. 

“Both of you ‘shut up’,” Kaz sighs, stepping further into the room, “If you need to drink, at least wait until after my meeting.” I frown, ignoring Kaz’s lingering and sharp gaze, “You should all follow Inej’s example.” 

“We can’t even see Inej.” 

Kaz raises an eyebrow, but he regards me with nothing but voidness. He’s never exactly emotive, but normally in moments like this something I can never interpret touches his expression, coloring it human. “Exactly.” 

“You’re funnier than people give you credit for.” The comment isn’t exactly sarcastic, but it’s something lighter than I should be offering. It’s an attempt at peace, the slight stiffness between us is starting to bother me. Our usual dynamic isn’t exactly friendly, but it’s more than this. Kaz glares. “But not tonight.” 

His expression hardens. “Business is business. It’s not humor, it’s not whatever you try to make it.” Right. Just like it was business when that girl spent more time hitting on him than actually revealing real information. The thought leaves my expression tight as I swallow back my instinctual words. “It’s not whatever you’re currently doing.” 

It takes me longer than it should to realize he’s referring to the position Jesper and I are in. Can he relax? It’s not my fault Jesper is tipsy and touchy. 

“Kaz,” Inej’s voice is soft yet determined as she emerges from the shadows. It’s a miracle the way she’s nothing more than a shadow until she chooses not to be. “What’s our next job?” 

Prompting Kaz in order to prevent a fight--Inej, always the closest thing to a mom available. I give her a partial smile, glad that she’s wedging herself between us and the tension, preventing conflict I’m too tired to follow through on.

“A merchant’s house,” he begins slowly, “We’ll be searching a merchant’s house but I’m seeking evidence more than property.” Jesper swings his legs off the couch with no warning. My head falls. I glare at Jesper who offers me a slightly apologetic tsk before dropping his head on my shoulder. Kaz must note the exchange because something in his expression tightens. He’s extra irritable today. “I’ll disclose more tomorrow,” he sighs once, already turning away, “Most of you are beyond listening tonight anyways.” 

He’s at the door before I can tell him that I’m not drunk. The door opens and closes, but Kaz’s heaviness lingers like led. I frown, letting my head fall to the side, resting on Jesper’s.

“He’s weird today,” I mumble, unsure if I want a reply. 

“He’s always like that,” Jesper breathes, “You’re losing your novelty, y/n--he always learns to harden himself against anything bright.” 

The words leave me even more tired. “I don’t think I’m particularly bright.” 

“Kaz does,” Inej replies, “And it has nothing to do with ‘novelty’, Jesper’s just cynical when he drinks.” I don’t know if I believe her, but I like knowing that Inej thinks that. “And Kaz can’t harden himself against you, and he hates that.” 

I press my lips together, straightening my spine. “I’m not that great, and whatever Kaz does or doesn’t harden himself against doesn’t affect me at all.” My nails press into the plush seat. “I don’t even know why we’re talking about this because whatever he does or doesn’t feel doesn’t matter to me.” I force myself up, doing all I can to seem perfectly calm. “All I care about is going to bed.”

Turning my head, I start to approach the door. Kaz has been strangely cold all night, and while I’m used to his moods, he hasn’t exactly directed them at me so fully since the day he caught me waiting for him to wake up after he almost died. If he wants to go back to how it used to be, then it can. Maybe I’ll care in the morning, when the growing weight of my eyelids is no longer a distraction.

“Sometimes the two of you confuse me,” Inej begins, “And sometimes I see you try to deal with emotion and I see the common ground.” 

The words leave me cold. I don’t think being compared to Kaz is an insult, not when there’s so much it could mean. He’s much more complex than he wants to be. There is goodness within him, gilding the parts of him that are more shards than anything else.  

I exhale, refusing to turn. Inej is too observant for her own good. “There is no emotion.” 

“I’m not going to waste my time arguing over that because I know it’s a waste of time.” She pauses and I consider turning around in hopes of reading something less honest from her expression. “I’m just telling you as a friend that one of you needs to be mature and talk to the other tonight before the tension gets worse and that it’s not going to be him.” 

She’s right. I exhale, “Do you think I should let him go?” Even just saying that leaves my heart aching. I know instantly that that’s not what I want, but it might be what he wants--it might be the best option. I might have the strength to let him go if I work at it. “I don’t--that’s not what I want and I’m not sure I could, but maybe that’s selfish of me.” 

“Y/n.” I turn slowly, but I purposefully avoid her gaze, keeping my head down. “I know that I’ve known Kaz longer than you, and I know that when he’s getting along with you he’s,” she trails off, uncertain, “More him, in a good way.” 

My heart swells, and with that comes feelings of panic. I never wanted to change him--to make him better or worse or anything; all I’ve ever wanted is to know him and to maybe help him with his burden. And to hear that maybe I’ve done that from someone so close to him--someone so observant and aware. That’s everything. And that terrifies me. Nothing good can last; nothing that seems to be all you could ever want actually is. I know that from life before the Crows, before I ran away from the castle I called home.

“I think he does the same for you.” I’ve never really thought about Kaz’s effect on me outside of the fact that he makes me feel warm in small moments and painfully seen in large ones. 

I smile because she’s trying and she’s given me something. “I’d say I’d tell you when I make my decision, but something tells me you’ll know.” 

She nods, expression shifting to something kind. “Goodnight, y/n.” 

Jesper stretches out on the couch, settling himself comfortably, “Night, y/n.”

“Goodnight, guys.” I disappear past the door easily, heading towards my room.

I haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to look for Kaz tonight. How much damage could be done in one night? Maybe he needs space. Maybe seeking him out now will make things worse. I exhale, opening the door to my room easily. I’ll decide before going to sleep.

When I step into the room, everything is in place. Everything is fine--but something about it feels off. The light is on. I didn’t leave the light on. Nothing else raises any red flags, so I continue into the room calmly, examining everything carefully. Nothing feels out of place as I further enter the room. I take in my bed, my dresser, and lastly my nightstand. 

My heart swells all over again, but this time it feels even heavier than before. On the center of my nightstand, in perfect condition, is a copy of Pride and Prejudice. The same book I told Kaz about, the one thing besides clothing I took from the palace. I told him it was my mother’s favorite and then he asked me to read it to him. 

I can’t picture him seeing this and thinking of me. I can’t picture him thinking of me--but no one else knew about my attachment to the book. I need to find him. I need to--to see him, to speak to him. To look him in the eye and see something I only ever see when we’re alone. Maybe he won’t have that look this time, but that’s okay. 

I can’t expect to always understand him, but that does not mean I don’t know him. 

The thought leaves me feeling a little more settled within the boundaries of my skin, but I don’t ease entirely. The good is more frightening than the bad. My fear of happiness is a benign secret I haven’t had to worry about in years. I don’t know enough about it to know how to deal with it let alone mention it to Kaz. Not that it’s his problem. 

I squeeze the book to my stomach. Swallowing pride is a difficult thing, but I’m used to it with him. It’s usually worth it with Kaz because sometimes when I try he tries in his own way. I should find him. He’s not awfully creative about where he goes when he wants to be alone because people know better than to bother him. Kaz is probably in his attic or getting air outside or…

The lights were on when I came in. I’m an idiot. I didn’t feel weird when I walked into the room because of the book. Someone’s in here. He’s in here. 

Setting the book down like I should have never touched it, I let out a sigh. “Lurking is unbecoming.” 

“It’s also unbecoming to work for me and be so easily distracted by a book.” His voice reveals nothing as he emerges from the shadows. “I could have killed you with how long it took for you to notice my presence.” He pauses, eyebrows drawing together. “The light was on.” 

Normally I’d have some kind of comment, some kind of joke that offers a more peaceful situation. “I know.” It’s a flat response. “I think on some subconscious level I knew,” I drop my gaze away from him, “I knew I was okay.” That sounds dumb. “I mean...I think I knew it was you so I knew I was okay.” Yeah, that wasn’t anymore eloquent. “That doesn’t make sense, but if you get to be confusing, I do too.”

“Confusing? There’s nothing to understand.” Curt. Simple. Dismissive. 

I frown. ‘Nothing to understand’. Right, because there’s nothing confusing about how quickly he decided to dismiss me just to bring me some obscenely sentimental gift. “If you’re mad at me, you should at least tell me why.” I press my lips together. “At least that way I’ll know if I need to apologize or kick your ass.” 

At that, he presses his lips together, corner of his mouth threatening to tilt upwards. “You would kick my ass?”

Great, even when he’s easing he has to be annoying. “I could.” There is no universe in which I could take him in a physical fight. “On a good day.” I let out a breath, doing all I can to not focus on his expression. Awkwardness settles in my chest as my eyes land on my bed. I sit down, trying not to let my shoulders slump tiredly as I stretch my legs across my bed. “You’re not having a good day.” 

“My day is fine, I’m just not naively cheerful like you,” his words turn sharp, “Or Jesper.” 

Weird addition. “Jesper’s not cheerful, he’s just drunk.” I let go of the ‘naive’ part, deciding to focus on the bigger picture. “And I’m not as naive or joyful as you think I am.” I’m not sure if I mean that as a rebuttal or just a fact. “I have bad days too.” This isn’t the kind of conversation I should have while this tired. “I could be less cheerful if you’d like.” 

He’s so silent I momentarily wonder if he’s left. “No.” It’s not much, but I take it. Straightening my back, I pull my legs beneath me, intentionally creating space. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Ah, blatant rejection. It would sting if I was less in the right. “Maybe you’ll be less weird then.” 

“I am not being weird.” At least I’m getting some kind of reaction from him. “You’re the one who--” 

“Who what?” Finally--progress. 

Kaz sighs, turning slightly. “You’re the one who decided to ignore me after we met with the contact.” I part my lips, ready to retort, but no words come. He did pick up on my slight annoyance, and he reciprocated it in a much larger way. 

He can never know that this all came from some ridiculous, territorial--partial jealousy. “I didn’t mean to ignore you,” partial lie, “I’m just kind of in a weird place today, I’m tired.” 

“Not too tired for Jesper, it seems.” 

What? Is that what this is about? “What? All I did was sit there--he’s a touchy drunk and I just happened to be next to him.” 

“You laugh with him,” he says this blankly, “You can touch him.” 

The edge of unsafe territory cuts into me at an odd angle. Is this about him? Is he really tormenting himself over something so asinine to me when it comes to him? I’d rather have him than all the physical touch in the world. The book on the nightstand feels closer to me, growing by the prospect of its significance alone. That gesture, that’s more intimate than anything Jesper and I did downstairs. 

“So?” I straighten my back slightly. “It doesn’t mean anything.” 

He presses his lips together. “That’s the problem--anyone can manage meaningless contact…” The silence is louder than the words that came before it. Oh. I guess I’m not the only one who gets just a little jealous in an unwarranted way. “What if you were hurt? What if you were hurt and we were alone and you needed someone to help you and I couldn’t?” He lets out a sigh, a sound too tired for me to associate with him. “You say you don’t care now, but you’ll grow tired of it--the only life I can offer.” 

Inej’s words about the similarities between Kaz and I echo in my mind. “Sometimes I don’t like when things are going well because I don’t know how to be truly content, fully happy.” Saying this twists my stomach. ���I don’t know how to trust good things, so whenever there are good things I think about all the ways I could ruin something and then I do.” I take a breath. “I’m not saying that things are particularly good for you or that you’re happy, but I am saying that maybe you shouldn’t think three steps ahead when there’s nothing to think ahead about.” I regard his expression carefully, but nothing has changed. “I told you the only thing I want is to know you, and that’s not going to change.”

“Y/n,” his voice is low, “I am not rain--I can’t promise you anything.” 

I scratch my knee, dropping my gaze. “For once I don’t want rain.” 

Kaz sighs. “Get some sleep.” Something about the way he’s speaking is authoritative but it lacks any weight. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

I frown freely, “Kaz--” 

“You look tired,” he mumbles, “You need rest.” He’s using this as an excuse to escape his feelings, but he’s already given me more than I expected. Greed ruins things, but then again, so does selflessness. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“For the job?”

Something strange crosses his features as his expression teeters on shifting. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he repeats, a little more certain.

The response doesn’t satiate me. “Kaz--” 

“I may not be the rain, but I’m capable of making promises as well.” There’s something final about the way he says this, but it doesn’t feel cruel. 

Maybe I’d protest if my eyelids were less weighted. “Goodnight, Kaz.” 

My head falls against the pillow. I’m not sure if he replies, too lost in the drawl of sleep before he can even close the door. 

--

General taglist: @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy  @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

[heyluisdontbiteme]

tw depression (?)/mental health/relationship/add/anger

ok so the following lines is just me having to tell someone what's up with me rn since this is rly much for me to take. I expect noone to answer or even read it (looking at the number of my followers which none of them i have ever had direct contact to, other then excessively reblogging their reblogs haha ).

(also this is a little add up to my last post but not necessarily)

I'm in a long distance relationship w/ my bf so we can only see each other at weekends.

And the whole week we've both been in a rly bad mood (not relationship caused). So i was REALLY happy to see him this weekend since he would come to my place where i feel much more comfortable due to social anxiety (be both still live w/ our families). Also bc we both said that we'd REALLY need it rn. and also bc he has trouble talking abt his problems/mental health so we would have time and space to talk abt it in person.

and then he told me yesterday that he can't come bc of a meeting with his music ensamble that would last the whole weekend....(he didn't have it in mind when we planed the weekend, neither is he able to change the date)

and .... it just rly fckng crushed me .

and OF COURSE i don't want him to feel bad for this, it's not even his fault, just rly bad timing. also i think that it's rly good for him since he loves his instrument and the group.

but it's just SO so bad for my mental health . and i KNOW he is not in any form responsible for my mood but i don't know how to get through this weekend without even a longer talk during the days. and arghh...

i was just so exited abt this weekend and it was a reason for me to get through the week which was extremely stressful and i planed fun stuff etc

and now i'm just sitting here alone in my bed since yesterday, unable to motivate me to meet my best friend that literally lives 10 minutes near, or even to talk to a friend online... or do stuff that normally distracts me or makes me happy (which i tried yesterday and didn't work)

and the worst is, i can't help myself being kinda angry at my bf (mby also caused by my new add meds that make me frustrated/angry very easily) for "leaving me here alone w/ nothing to do while he has fun with the group". i feel so toxic but these are my real feelings and i've been trying the whole time to stop my brain from thinking that he should have cancelled it. i think this is mby also me projecting being angry at myself for not being able to have a fun time or to lift my mood and making my bf responsible(?)

anyways... i just don't know what to do. normally my lows are bc of the heavy mood swings from my add, so they leave after 2 days max. but now it's been sticking w/ me since Sunday and i'm kind scared bc it just doesn't go away...

would be so so so nice if someone could respond or just anything rly cause i don't know what to do anymore (that's why i put tags in here so mby someone rly reads this and has gone through a similar situation)

[amyscascadingtabs]

you’ll keep me intact

read on ao3

They were going to see Hamilton. That’s what she’s most upset about.

They had been planning the date night for two months, weeks before they got a positive pregnancy test, and she’d been so excited. David had given them the tickets after receiving them as a gift when he bumped into Lin-Manuel Miranda on the street, discovering that the two of them looked like twins.

(“It was crazy”, he’d told Amy over the phone. “But anyway, I don’t really follow pop culture, so you can have them if you want.”)

Amy had been stoked - Jake was sure to love this play much more than he’d tolerated the first one they saw together, and they were going to have dinner at a proper nice restaurant while wearing actual fancy clothing. She had been thinking of busting out the red dress she wore at their first real date, and yeah, she may have been longing for the chance to see her husband in a tux again, so sue her.

The play starts in ten minutes and Amy’s in bed.

She should be sitting in a red plush seat holding hands with the love of her life and waiting to see the musical they both know too much of the lyrics to performed live in front of them, and she’s in bed.

She’s furious, and she’s too exhausted to do something about it, because being in your first trimester of pregnancy is everything but energizing. The excitement and gratefulness aside, Amy feels as if someone took one of the worst hangovers she ever had and extended the duration of it to weeks and months, then subtracted the fun alcohol-part and added extra mood-swings. She can’t drink at Shaw’s anymore and lacks energy to do anything else but go home and sleep the moment her shift’s over, she struggles to follow a conversation when she’s busy fighting a wave of nausea, and now she’s cancelling date nights. With the thought of her baby still an abstract concept she struggles to fully wrap her head around, the whole situation is mostly aggravating.

The lighting in the room is not as striking bright as before, creeping closer to sunset but not there, so Amy figures she must have slept for a while. It’s the kind of golden hour out now that she’d adore a romantic walk in, capturing a few cheesy couple selfies with her phone while enjoying the view, and she considers calling for Jake to ask if they can take one before realizing he's the one who decided they weren't going out tonight, not even for a walk or Hamilton. She's too tired, was barely able to keep her eyes open during their drive home, and it's a bad nausea day on top of it.

(“You're going to sleep,” her husband had stated when she insisted one last time that maybe she could do it, even though she'd had to throw up at the mere consideration of different food smells at a restaurant. “You need it. C’mon, I'll let you be the little spoon.”)

There had been no way for her not to fall for his offer, and she drifted asleep minutes after changing into pajamas and curling up in his arms.

She's alone in their bedroom now, but there's a folded neon orange post-it on the pillow next to her. The squiggly handwriting scribbled on it is one she’d recognize anywhere, and she grins as she reads it.

Went to the store to buy ice cream, the note says. Plus more saltines and orangina bc i know you like that best (you’re orangina!). Love youuu.

He’s drawn a collection of uneven hearts after the message. Amy traces one of them with her index finger, waking up slowly to the background noise of Taylor Swift being played from the living room and telling her Jake must be back by noe. She wraps the comforter around herself and sneaks out into the hallway.

He’s watching the Reputation Stadium Tour. It’s the All Too Well-performance, a favorite for them both in the two hour five minute-recording of the show, and she expects him to be so focused on the television it's a surprise when he turns around, eyes lighting up when he sees her.

She's tired and she's bitter about the cancelled date night and she's felt sick for the entire day, but once she sees the content, dreamy smile he meets her with, all of the world’s misfortunes seem less disastrous. All the miracles appear brighter, too - a joyful spark in her heart reminds her they're having a baby together, and every bit of suffering she's going through will be worth it thousandfold less than seven months from now.

“I would ask you if you managed to get some rest,” he comments playfully. “But I checked on you a bunch of times and you were out like a light for all of them. How are you feeling?”

“A bit better. I’m sorry”, she mutters. He wrinkles his forehead at her apology, so she explains it further. “For being boring. This isn't exactly the exciting date night we’d planned from the start, and it’s all my fault. ”

“Stop that.” He gestures for her to take the spot next to him on the couch and she does, resting her head on his shoulder for extra closeness and letting his arm snake around her waist. “Ames, you couldn't be boring if you tried.”

“We were going to a fancy restaurant! We were going to Hamilton!”

“Yeah, but we totally made a couple purple-haired theatre kids the happiest people in New York when I sold them the tickets cheap.” Jake shrugs. “All I care about in a date night is getting to spend time with my wife.”

“Your hopelessly boring, moody and nauseous wife?”

“My badass wife”, he corrects her with a kiss to her hairline. “My badass, incredible, gorgeous and awesome wife.”

“She sounds great, whoever she is.”

“Oh, trust me. She is.” There's a smile on his lips so wide she's tempted to kiss it off of him - she does, shamelessly, and he whispers the last words against her lips.

Taylor has moved on to her Blank Space-performance on their television. Amy notes how Jake is moving his feet to the beat of it, miming along to the lyrics. She's seen him watch this movie at least ten to fifteen times and he doesn't seem to have grown tired of it yet. As far as date nights go, Amy supposes they’ve both been through worse - at least there are no exes or depressed bosses to be found in their apartment tonight - but it doesn't stop her from wishing it could have gone differently.

She drapes her right leg over his lap so she's practically straddling him just to get closer, burying her face in his neck and making a mental note to thank him for immediately ceasing to use the aftershave whose scent makes her sick now. He lets her stay close, doesn’t even complain about her blocking part of his view of the tv, and she makes another mental note to really, really thank him whenever her energy returns.

“I really am sorry about tonight, though”, she whispers after a minute, ever so distracted by his fingers tracing feather-light patterns on her neck. “Wasn't what I planned.”

“Title of your sextape.”

“Ha-ha.”

“You love me”, he reminds her, grinning. “Really, Ames, it's okay. I don't mind this.”

“I know, but…” She bites at her lower lip. “I guess it hit me that we won't be able to go on dates like this for much longer.”

“What do you mean?”

“Before we only had to coordinate work schedules. Now we’ll have to find a babysitter, and deal with leaving our baby to someone else, and it’s going to be difficult. I feel bad for ruining what might be one of the few opportunities we have left in a long time.”

Jake frowns, running his free hand through his hair in a fruitless attempt to smooth a few curls out. He just makes it messier, but she doesn’t have the heart to tell him.

“You’re really worried about that?”

“A little, yeah.”

“Do you want logic or reassurance?”

Years of partnership, courtship and now marriage have taught them a few handy tools in dealing with each other's anxieties. This distinction is one of them.

“Logic”, she decides, and he nods. “If you have anything.”

“I do”, he promises, pausing the television at a shot of the concert audience holding lights in the air. They almost resemble a starry night sky, Amy thinks when she looks back at them. “Let's start with time. It's only May and we're having a baby in December. We have oceans of time to go on dates, especially if you start feeling better in the second trimester like all the websites say.”

“We're going to have a lot to prepare and it's going to go by fast. Plus, it's still not a ton of time. What do we do when they’re here?”

“Charles”, says Jake, and she furrows her brows, so he explains. “You think we’ll have a problem finding babysitters? On the list of people who will love our baby the most, Charles’s name is literally right below ours. You know he'll be dying for every chance he can get to spend some time with them.”

“And what if our kid doesn't like Charles?”

“All kids love Charles, I doubt ours will be an exception.”

“Fine”, she relents. “Babysitting is settled. Still, we’ll be tired, and hesitant to leave them, and it’ll take work and I just...” Amy can feel tears burning behind her eyelids - they’re always too close now, all of her emotions intensified. “I didn’t want to cancel this. I wanted to give you something nice as a reward for putting up with me right now, and this is what you get. Taylor Swift, hanging out on the couch, and your emotional mess of a wife.”

He doesn’t say a word at first. She wonders briefly if if the reason he’s pursing his lips and watching her with an expression of either pain or pity is that he thinks she’s right, that she is letting him down. When he keeps lightly massaging her neck and leans in for a chaste but sweet kiss on her lips instead of complaining, it confuses her.

“Ames, I meant it when I said it was okay. I don’t care about the date nights, I care about you.”

“Just admit you’re disappointed.”

“A bit”, he admits with a weak smile. “But not for the reasons you think. It sucks that you’re not feeling well, and it sucks that I can’t do much about it, and it sucks that you’re upset about this. But I still think it’s a perfect date night.”

“In what world would it ever be perfect?”

“You’re here.” Another chaste kiss to her lips. “You’re here, we’re watching Taylor Swift, and I have a full liter of our favorite Italian gelato in the fridge. That’s as close to perfect as it gets if you ask me.”

“Oh my god, you bought the good ice cream?”

“Yeah?”

“I seriously love you.”

“Ah.” She recognizes the characteristic dorky grin from years ago as well as yesterday, but it makes her heart skip a beat all the same. “And here I’ve been all these years, thinking your love for me was fake.”

She punches him in the shoulder for that.

“You know”, Jake says when he hands her a generous bowl of vanilla and caramel ice cream, “We can have this kind of tv and ice cream-date nights when we have a baby, too.”

“We’ll be falling asleep on the couch”, she corrects him. “And staring at a baby monitor like crazy people unless they’re sleeping on us.”

“Well, Amy Santiago”, Jake grins, “I can’t wait to fall asleep on the couch with you.”

It's not the night she imagined, but when they go to bed and he once again lets her curl up into a ball while he holds her, playing with her hair until she falls asleep, she couldn't be more okay with it.

(Two weeks later, Jake reveals he managed to buy new Hamilton tickets. Five weeks later, Amy gets both her nice restaurant-date and her Hamilton experience, as well as a chance to show off an incipient baby bump in the sleek red dress.)

[xsorakim]

Is that SORA KIM? Wow, they do look a lot like LEE SUNGKYUNG. I hear SHE is an NINETEEN year old SOPHMORE who is studying MUSICAL THREATRE at Luxor University. Word is they are an ARISTOCRAT student. You should watch out because they can be ABRASIVE and NARCISSISTIC, but on the bright side they can also be IMAGINATIVE and LOYAL. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself. 

hi hi!! it’s kara, at it again with a second character bc i have no impulse control here are some bullet points for sora since i’m too lazy to write a bio.

major: musical theatre  minor: music

classes: 

theatrical arts english  music  creative writing 

bio: 

so, she was born to a mother who was a renown surgeon at the hospital that her father owns. due to this, she was very spoiled. she never really wanted for anything and it’s obvious, to this day, that she was fed with a silver spoon the entirety of her life, so to speak.

one would assume she’s an only child because of how spoiled she was, but she has a twin brother, ian and he’s basically the only person in the world she trusts and they’re really close

their father never really showed them or their mother any love, so sora basically grew up not believing in anything like love or dating or relationships. it’s very difficult for her to get close to people and form strong bonds because she just doesn’t think that it’s worth the risk of putting herself out there. regardless of whether the relationship is romantic or not.

their mother left them when they were fourteen. she blames her father for this because of how he didn’t act like he cared about any of them.

her mother leaving only reinforced her thought that it’s stupid to trust anyone and her parents splitting up like that just made her believe even more that love is non-existent and people are meant to grow old and die alone.

sora has always had a flair for the dramatic, so it was only natural that she would develop a love for the theatre. she loves acting and singing and wants to make a career out of it on broadway

she can either be your best friend or your worst enemy. it just depends on what side of her someone gets on any given day. she definitely has “mood swings”, so if she isn’t smiling or looks like she’s about ready to beat someone up, it’s best to just avoid her until she cools down.

she’s really smart and won’t dumb herself down for anyone. she’s a big believer in it being possible to be pretty and smart and hates being underestimated bc of her looks.

despite the somewhat cold aura she tends to give off, she’s a literal sweetheart underneath the facade. it’s just that she doesn’t usually let anyone close enough to see that.

if you earn her trust, never break it because you won’t ever be given a chance to earn it back. second chances don’t exist to sora.

umm that’s all i’ve got for now, but as for her personality, she is a mess. she can either be cold as ice or as warm as the sun. she’s outgoing and loves to have a good time ( this ties into her being fun-loving and enjoying a good party ). she has the tendency to be a brat ( let’s be honest, she can be a real bitch when she wants to be ), which has a lot to do with her coming from money and not seeing any reason why she should feel ashamed of that or feel the need to hide it just bc others aren’t as fortunate. she can be kind of ( okay, more than kind of ) narcissistic. she’s gorgeous and she knows it, basically. people were always telling her how she should have been a model and she always agreed with them. she’ll be the first to tell you how pretty she is and it can be a bit obnoxious, admittedly. internally, she feels a lot of pressure to stay flawless and be perfect, which takes a toll on her but she doesn’t let it show. she’s closed off and moody, smiling one second and ready to throw a chair at someone the next. she is dramatic af. incredibly loyal, if you’re lucky enough to be her friend. trustworthy, but distrusting as all hell and thinks mostly everyone is intent on stabbing her in the back.

additional fun facts:

has a twin brother, ian, and a younger brother, jiho 

no one would expect it of her, but she’s crazyyy athletic and loves exercising. her favorite thing to do is yoga, though because she finds it relaxing 

she speaks english and korean fluently. knows some french and spanish from taking classes, as well as latin. 

is not afraid to start belting out songs from her favorite musicals whenever she feels like it, even if she’s in the middle of class, which has gotten her more than a few slaps on the wrist but she knows she can get away with it ( voice claim: lee sung kyung )

loves to shop. mostly online shopping, but if you’re her friend, be prepared to mostly always be shopping

has an obsession with pop figures and you will find them throughout her room 

also has an obsession with cats and will wear cat ears sometimes even though it isn’t the cool thing anymore 

hATES pink but loves purple and it’s her favorite color ever so she always has something purple on, whether it’s her top or her shoes or a hair tie or something

hates romance, but loves romance movies. mostly romcoms, because she likes to laugh at how cheesy they are 

isn’t a big fan of horror movies and isn’t afraid to let everyone know how much she hates them 

she probably has more shoes than is necessary. girl has a serious problem 

her favorite food is shoyu ramen and she will eat it whenever given the chance despite being crazy about staying in shape. she doesn’t know how to say no to noodles

and uhhh, that’s all, pls love her

[bpd-italy]

me: i have 8/9 symptoms of bpd and the one symptom i don’t have is one i don’t even have access to because i’m only sixteen and i want to go to therapy so i can get a proper diagnosis and hopefully get treatment so i can stop ruining my own life and feeling like shit everyday.

my parents: no u just need to go outside and get some fresh air!!! u dont have bpd ur too sweet n innocent to have bpd everyone knows people with bpd are crazy psychos uwu ur normal precious baby girl just read the bible god will help u <33333

me, describing an in depth bpd symptom i have to my parents that Normal People do not deal with:

my parents: oh everyone does that honey!!! you’re normal stop trying so hard to have problems!!! not everything needs a label!!!!!

oh gee it’s almost fucking like the reason i’m so persistent on naming things is because i RECOGNIZE I HAVE A PROBLEM AND WANT TO FIX THE PROBLEM SO I CAN ACTUALLY TRY TO ENJOY THE LAST TWO YEARS OF MY CHILDHOOD I HAVE SINCE I DIDN’T GET TO WHEN I REALLY WAS A CHILD

i can literally tell my mom until im blue in the face how i have all these bpd symptoms like splitting, black and white thinking, abandonment issues, uncontrollable emotions, mood swings, fps, feeling wrong and evil, chronic feelings of emptiness, recklnessness, oversharing, spontaneous suicide attempts and self harm, paranoia, obsession with literally anybody who shows me kindness, etc. but she’s just like “oh honey youre just normal not everything needs a name!!!!!!!!!”

like oh ok i guess we dont fucking need a name for breast cancer since it’s just cancer and it’s not like it makes it easier to identify things by giving them names right???? yep mental illness consists of only depression and anxiety nothing more there’s only two categories yep uwuwuwuwu

it’s not like i lost my best fucking friend who i trusted with my life and then left me with even more trust issues and tried to kill myself three times in one week because of my bpd symptoms or anything!!! it’s not like i’ve been cutting since i was ten fucking years old and need more than just a bottle of medication and sunlight to fix my fucked up brain and years of being told i’m wrong and should die until i was convinced they’re right and genuinely can’t learn to love myself

nope it’s just depression and anxiety cause everyones got depression and anxiety and nothing else fucking matters

oh and how about next time i try to talk to you about my ocd you dont fucking go “oh honey everyone does that!!!”

no mom not everyone has fucking intrusive thoughts about having sex with children or elderly people thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL THATS WHY ITS A MENTAL DISORDER HAVING A GROSS THOUGHT SOMETIMES IS NOT THE SAME AS HAVING CONSTANT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS THAT YOU KNOW YOU HATE BUT CAN’T PUSH THEM AWAY AND END UP CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR TO ACCOMODATE TO THE THOUGHTS OR ELSE ~SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN~ OR ~THE THOUGHTS WILL BECOME TRUE~

but no you’re neurotypical as they fucking get so it doesn’t matter what i say your psychology degree means shit in this situation and you don’t seem to get that you can’t be a therapist to a person you already know :///

my medication helped my ocd tremendously but nothing has happened to help my bpd symptoms. i haven’t even gotten a fucking diagnosis so for all i know it could be something else but i’m literally 99% positive it’s bpd and i want. fucking. therapy. some kind of medication to fix my mood swings may help but it won’t magically fucking fix my brain.

and my dad’s convinced i just need to talk to him and don’t need therapy bc “he had it worse” and “knows more pain than me” and other utter fucking superior complex bullshit why do you think i dont fucking talk to either of y’all you think since you were physically abused somehow you have it worst and nobody else is allowed to hurt lmfao if you really knew pain youd know that pain isn’t a fucking competition

all my mom does is blame the fucking computer like yes the computer contributed to my problems. 3+ fucking years ago. taking it away now doesn’t mean fucking shit it’ll just make me even more isolated than i already am since i’m fucking homeschooled and have no goddamn friends and severe social anxiety.

[devotedworker]

“Extremely detailed character sheet template” Character Chart Character’s full name: DLN-008, Elec Man/ DWN-008, Copy Elec Man Reason or meaning of name: Electricity Character’s nickname: Elec, Sparky/ Copy Elec, shithead Reason for nickname: Short and easy/ he is a shithead Birth date: N/A Physical appearance Age: Mid twenties How old does he/she appear: 24 Weight: N/A Height: 6'5 Body build: Tall and lean Shape of face: Slightly long Eye color: Blue / Red Glasses or contacts: No Skin tone: Fair skinned Distinguishing marks: N/A Predominant features: Pretty eyes and figure Hair color: Black Type of hair: Short, flares out at the neck Hairstyle: Slicked back / Never brushed Voice: Calm, commanding / Mean, Giddy Overall attractiveness: 8/10 Physical disabilities: N/A Usual fashion of dress: Semi-formal to formal; suits / Leather jackets and form fitting pants Favorite outfit: A black and red suit / A black leather jacket with black form fitting pants and black boots with a tank top Jewelry or accessories: None Personality Good personality traits: Responsible, Dependable, Independent, Protective / Relaxed, Fun-Loving, Protective, Humorous Bad personality traits: Stubborn, Cruel, Serious, No-Nonsense / Cruel, Sadistic, Angered easily, Turns on a dime Mood character is most often in: Neitral/Serious / Smug or relaxed Sense of humor: Hell sometimes chuckle if he sees something backfire on someone, or if someone gets a minor injury and he doesn't like them / Dark humor, cursing, sexual jokes, seeing people he hates getting hurt Character’s greatest joy in life: His family / His family (Copy Cut and Star specifically) Character’s greatest fear: Being reprogrammed again / Star getting hurt Why? He hurt a lot of people when he was reprogrammed and he never wants to go through that again / Stars gotten hurt a lot and Copy Elec just wants him to be safe and happy What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? His family being killed / Star being killed or otherwise traumatized Character is most at ease when: Working or spending time with Rock, Roll or Fire Man / Spending time with Copy Cut, Star, Minstrel or Triage Most ill at ease when: Being in a situation where he's unable to fight back / His family beingthreatened or him being forced to do something he doesn't want to Enraged when: Hos family is hurt, sometimes when Copy Elec annoys him / His family is hurt, anything that goes against the few morals he does have Depressed or sad when: He messes up really badly or his family is hurt and he can't help them / People he care about being hurt or he himself being hurt enough to effect him Priorities: Work, protecting his family / Having fun, protecting people he cares about, protecting himself Life philosophy: If granted one wish, it would be: Wily goes to jail for good / Everyone he hates gets killed Why? He wants the fighting to stop for the sake of his family and everyone else / He wants revenge and to protect people he cares about Character’s soft spot: Cats, his family (most notable Rock, Roll and Cut Man) / Copy Cut, Star, Triage Is this soft spot obvious to others? He tries to hide it when it comes to cats but otherwise it's pretty obvious, and yes / Absolutely Greatest strength: Leadership skills, maturity / Clever, Can be really protective when he wants to be Greatest vulnerability or weakness: His family, his past regrets, cutting/oil based weapons / His family Biggest regret: What he did while tepgorammed / Nothing he's shameless Minor regret: Not spiting some people more than he could have / Not hurting certain people enough Biggest accomplishment: Powering the whole city / Seriously hurting Rock Minor accomplishment: Kidking some DWN ass / Not being as big of a dick as he could be Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: If he ever tripped into something or did anything else embarrassing / Nothing Why? He wants to be seen as mature / He's shameless Character’s darkest secret: Neither or them are for keeping secrefts Does anyone else know? N/A Goals Drives and motivations: Pride, wanting to protect, caring about his family / Sadism, For shits and giggles, taking care of himself, protecting his family Immediate goals: Whatever he has for work that day / Find someone to harass Long term goals: Stop Dr. Wily / Kill everyone on his hitlist How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Doing them, assisting Rock / Wadering, Planning murder How other characters will be affected: Not much, He's probably gonna try to fight some DWNs / At best annoyes, at worst traumatized, dead or seriously injured Past Hometown: Mega City / Wily Castle Type of childhood: Neiher of them really had a childhood since they're programmed as adults Pets: Tango, Rush / Reggae First memory: Being activates for the first time Most important childhood memory: Pre-reprogramming / The first few times he interacted with his siblings Why: He didn't have the weight of being rephorammed / it was simpler Childhood hero: None Dream job: He can't really think of one / Basically what he does now Education: N/A Religion: N/A Finances: N/A Present Current location: Mega City / Wily Castle #Whateevrr Currently living with: Dr. Light and his robots / Dr. Wily and his robots Pets: Tango, Rush / Reggae Religion: N/A Occupation: Works at power plants / Hired gun, basically does whatever he wants Finances: N/A Family Mother: N/A Relationship with her: N/A Father: Dr. Light / N/A Relationship with him: Respects and loves him and if you try to hurt him you're dead Siblings: All DLNs / The Copy line, Star Man Relationship with them: Is sometimes annoyed by them but loves them a lot and if you hurt them you're d e a d / Only really likes Copy Cut and Copy Roll, is angered/afraid of the others, Adores him and if theyreto get thrwatened it's murder time Spouse: N/A Relationship with him/her: N/A Children: N/A Relationship with them: N/A Other important family members: N/A Favorites Color: red Least favorite color: Green Music: Classical, electric, Calm / Rock, swing, electro swing Food: Dumplings / Most types of meat Literature: Sci-Fi, Non-Fiction / He's Not into reading Form of entertainment: None / Sometimes he watches TV but not often Expressions: N/A Mode of transportation: He prefers to ride on a bus and read / Whatever causes the most damage Most prized possession: His electric guitar / N/A Habits Hobbies: Playijg guitar, reading, singing / Being a huge jerk, getting around, spending time with his family, singing, playing guitar Plays a musical instrument? Yes / Yes Plays a sport? No How he/she would spend a rainy day: Reading / Tries to get struck by lightning outside Spending habits: Responsible with money and can budget well / What spending habits he steals everything Smokes: No / Might once or twice for the aesthetic Drinks: Yes; wine / Yes; literally any alcohol Other drugs: No What does he/she do too much of? Work / Drink and pushhis luck What does he/she do too little of? Taking time for himself / Being nice Extremely skilled at: Analysis / Murder Extremely unskilled at: Not holding on his emotions / Holding in his emotions Nervous tics: When they're nervous, electricity comes off of them; they can't control it Usual body posture: Stands up steaifht, authorative / Confident, tends to lean forward Mannerisms: Bery serious, can sound commanding, very calm and collected / Silly, energetic, too willing to be mean Peculiarities: Is fine with mandatory physical contact, but for the most part he's really uncomfortable with affectionate physical contact / Turns on a dime from being friendly to seriously hurting someone Traits Optimist or pessimist? Pessimist Introvert or extrovert? Introvert / Extrovert Daredevil or cautious? Cautious / Daredevil Logical or emotional? Logical / Emotional Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Methodical and Neat / Disprderly and messy Prefers working or relaxing? Working / Relaxing Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Confident Animal lover? He adores cats / Not really Self-perception How he/she feels about himself/herself: He's confident in himself but at the same time has tons of self loathing bc of what he did when reprogrammed / Doesn't think about it too hard but he firmly believes that he's expendable to everyone else, but t doesn't bother him One word the character would use to describe self: Hard-working / Sexy One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: Details about his function and what he enjoys doing / What he was made for and what he likes doing What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Leadership skills / Protectiveness What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? Sadism / How ridiculously loyal he is when attached What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? His eyes / Everythinv What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? None How does the character think others perceive him/her: Serious, hardworking / Annoying, cruel What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Make up for what he did while repgroammsd / Become stronger Relationships with others Opinion of other people in general: He's Okay wih other people / Anyone is fair game for him to antagonize or be friends with Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Only when it's required of him / Only when he has to or if he's trying to protect someone Person character most hates: Dr. Wily / Sunstar, Presto, Copy Fire Man Best friend(s): None / Minstrel Love interest(s): None but k ship him with Quick, Metal, and Flash / None Person character goes to for advice: He usually doesn't ask for advice but it depends on the context / Minstrel Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: His family, specifically he younger ones, and humans / People he cares about and that's it Person character feels shy or awkward around: None Person character openly admires: Rock / Minstrel and Trio Person character secretly admires: Flash and Metal for their work ethic / Anyone he hates thats also kinda hot Most important person in character’s life before story starts: His family / Copy Cut and Copy Roll After story starts: His family / Copy Cut, Copy Roll, Star Man, Triage, Minstrel

[enniewritesathing]

Hi, has John ever taken training too far? A bit like Brian has been over doing studying. (If so how did Brian react/reason with him?)

Oh, absolutely.

(under cut bc it’s a pretty long read)

a little context: John’s training has always been intense, but it was the right amount of intense and scaled properly to his skill level. He’s been competing since he was 7, turned serious around 10 years old. And because of this, he’s had this mindset of that if he’s not about to pass out during training or anything like that, he didn’t train hard enough.

John feels like this when he loses a match by TKO or KO, and even have draws. There’s always something that can be improved, that he can do more because if he doesn’t, then his opponent has a chance to win. 

And so, John trains and trains and trains. He has to be perfect. Three rounds, five rounds, doesn’t matter. It brings out the killer instinct in him. Don’t let it be for a tournament or for a World Cup. He pushes himself, and then pushes more. Sometimes to the point of complete failure. This includes training while still recovering from an injury. If it’s something he can tape up, John will wrap/tape it up and keep going, because he may have to fight through pain through a match. 

(There’s an infamous match that John fought and won, but at a cost, but I’ll put it in a seperate post. Let’s just say he had no right in winning it.)

Not to say that there’s mental effects of taking it too far. John has giant mood swings. He gets irritable and very snippy. He’s mean and far more stubborn than he normally is. Anxiety and fear creeps in. He starts to get horrible nightmares about fights, half imagined, half of which he has fought and lost. Sometimes, he even wakes up screaming. A more subtle thing he does is isolate himself.

Brian’s reaction to John’s overtraining, he doesn’t mince his words at all; he’s blunt about what kind of damage John’s doing to himself with no proper rest or resuming training too soon after a fight. In fact, he has made it law for John to rest a minimum of 72 hours – doing absolutely nothing and I mean nothing except bedrest and meditation. It’s enough time for him to get out of fight mode, calm down, and return to ‘normal’.

Brian reasons with John through escalation, meaning that bad shit/consequences will happen to him if he doesn’t stop the path he’s going on. The risk of injury during training too hard with little/no rest and even as far as spraining, breaking, or even dislocating a limb or joint, or pulling a muscle, etc etc. His body will break down much faster to the point of that he won’t ever be 100% and will stand to be at a greater risk for an injury-ending career or something that will take a long time to recover from. 

And because John is stubborn during this phase, his answer is basically “I can handle it. If I can’t, I will make myself handle it.” 

Brian lets John know that his behavior during this time/occurance is unacceptable and upsetting and worst of all, selfish because of how he isolates himself. It’s always been a sort of contention between them, that John has a “I have to” mindset. 

It’s not until an incident that Brian found John unconscious – but not the way you’d expect. John’s at the heavy bag, standing up, but as Brian approaches, there’s something very wrong. His hands are gripping the bag to the point of white knuckles (and John never practices without his handwrap). He’s drenched in sweat, his hair free and sticking to his face. He’s breathing hard – and it’s the type that’s oddly mechanical, like he’s concentrating. His amber eyes wide and blank, staring at nothing. There’s no response as Brian calls out to him, not even as he touches his shoulder.

John turns his head to look at him, slowly. His eyes... he’s not there at all. It’s the same look he has when he sleeps with his eyes open. He’s gone somewhere.

Not a moment after John collapses. 

When he comes to, he’s in the ER. He’s dazed and confused as he looks at his surroundings, mainly wondering why he was hooked up to monitors, numbers he can sort of parce out. When he sees Brian – he’s relieved but he’s also angry at him (and it’s rare that he sees him outright angry so it’s like ‘ah congrats, John you fucked up big time’). 

The doctor tells him that John has basically trained himself into extreme exhaustion and that he almost fried his body doing it, so his brain literally flipped the switch off on him. John only remembers the lead up to it, that he was doing clinches and just stopped.

After John was released, they returned home. Brian didn’t speak to him for a day. When he did, he spoke in a very quiet voice, and it amounted him telling that what happened scared the absolute shit out of him. 

“John, I don’t want you to die over this. Why do you push yourself like this?”

John doesn’t respond, but he does take those words in. There’s plenty reasons why he does: to be the strongest there is, to be the absolute best, to bring glory to him and his family name – as those before him, the promise he made to Jacob before he died – to continue fighting as long as he can… it’s complicated to say the least and very ingrained to him, the “I have to” part. He’s done it since for 15 years (and counting). It’s literally a part of him. It’s a loaded question too. 

He answers, in earnest, “Because I imagine my opponent trying to take everything I love away from me. I promised myself… I have to be stronger and faster than them. Or else, I lose everything. I lose you.” And he says this every time he’s asked. Brian knows that John’s lost a lot growing up, and protects things and ideas near and dear to him. He understands the perfectionism, the anxieties, the fears. Do what it takes to be the best.

Brian nods in affirmation. “Okay,” he says. To tell him to be careful seems empty at this point because John is stubborn. He’ll back off but it’s the matter of when that he’ll return to back where he was before like it didn’t happen. 

John knows that he’s hurt Brian with this incident. And that’s a promise he made to him when they got together. And he never breaks promises, or does so unintentionally (such as this). He realises that Brian keeps him in check so that incidents like these don’t happen, just like he has to pull him away from studying too long. Brian was protecting him; he didn’t trust and listen and there was a serious consequence to that. 

So – John rearranges his training. They’re still intense instead of back-to-back-to-back, they’re every other day, so the next is light/recovery day, and even adds a complete rest day that’s spent meditating. It forces him to slow down and take a look at things and put them into perspective. He doesn’t tell Brian this but instead shows him, and through that, puts Brian at ease that he won’t do something so stupid and dangerous again.

He catches himself going back to old habits from time to time, but he’s changed his training for the better.