#bc back in 2016-2017 my life was a whole mess

[ppulverse]

it's funny how you always remember the little things people do for you even though you know they've definitely forgotten about them a long time ago

[swearwolf-writes]

Teen Wolf 2020

it’s 2020 and corona is a bitch :) the wolves might not be able to get sick but they still wear their masks bcs they could still be carriers so *clears throat* WEAR YOUR MASKS Y’ALL!! this is very much a no one dies/everybody lives au :)

[CROSSPOSTED ON: AO3]

Scott McCall - age 26

this cute nerd. he studied veterinary medicine which takes about 4 years so he graduated in 2017 and works as Deaton’s partner at the Beacon Hills Animal Clinic. he’s dating Isaac (bcs he came back from France with Argent, remember) and Kira (she came back from the Skinwalkers in 2019 and has a proper grasp on her powers). sorry scalia shippers but it’s not really my thing-

Stiles Stilinski - age 26

NERD. anywho- FBI dork became an agent in 2019 whoo and lives in DC with Lydia, Derek and Braeden. he’s dating Lydia and Derek and things are pretty chill - he yells at arseholes who refuse to wear their masks bcs ‘it’s uncomfortable :(’ like bite me karen no one cares

Derek Hale - age 32

grumpy sourwolf actually knows how to smile!! who knew- he lives in DC with Stiles, Lydia and Braeden most of the time but he and Braeden travel often to fight butthead hunters who need to mind their own business. he’s dating Stiles and he and Braeden are engaged - it’s cute and they’re being dorks about it. he likes to complain that they’d be married by now if it wasn’t for freakin covid

Lydia Martin - age 26

your local genius banshee~ 🥰 still awesome, still a harbinger of death - so yk, the usual. bcs she had extra credits she started as a junior studying maths and graduates in 2016!! 🎉🎉 she moved to DC after she got some money together while working as a tutor - the quartet splits rent (but usually it’s just Stiles and Lydia splitting it bcs the other two don’t technically have jobs and yk Derek is an unsub and Stiles is in the FBI which Lydia finds hilarious). she teaches adults in the local community college and helps supernatural folk on the dl - she runs a grief counselling service at the same place for people who’ve lost someone. she’s also trying to get a degree to become a high school maths teacher and it’s a lot but she’s got it handled.

Allison Argent - 24

accidentally brought back from the dead by the Dread Doctors. everyone could not stop crying bcs she’s back baby!! she died in 2011 age 17 and came back in 2012 so she wasn’t dead long thankfully - wanted to kill Theo bcs he messed with her pack even he did bring her back. she’s a chimera now lads- she needed a kidney transplant when she was young which was why she was kept away from the family business. she was a werewolf-werejaguar chimera like Hayden but stayed a chimera. Chris and Isaac stayed home and bcs she and Isaac never actually broke up, they kept dating - she found it funny that Isaac and Scott were dating at this point,, meanwhile they were panicking wildly :) she went back to school and said she wasn’t dead, just in the hospital for a really long time. she joined Liam’s year and again, wanted to very badly throw hands when she found out about Monroe- she’s the coolest, like she has claws and bow and arrows

Malia Tate - 26

our girl went to France as promised and hooked up with plenty of hot French people *le eyebrow wiggle* she found her beau there in France and it was not a love at first sight sort of thing - she wanted to punch them in the face,, in their very pretty face- she was basically doing her own thing when she smells them, another bloody werewolf and like don’t get me wrong, she’s fond of werewolves, but bloody hell do they cause trouble. and they smell her too and it’s like ‘eh-?’ bcs werecoyotes aren’t so common as werewolves. and they’re just there in a club in Bordeaux and they’re sniffed each other out and they kinda just pause like huh- bcs they were were not expecting to see someone that pretty- but that’s not the point of course- they pretend to leave together and as soon as they’re out of sight from humans, they start fighting in an alley, as you do. it ends up with the wolf tasting the wall bcs who the hell are you- once they figure out they’re both just there to party, things chill and they see more of each other, naturally, it’s all just a big coincidence and doesn’t mean anything. and then they’re dancing and it doesn’t mean anything. and then they’re sleeping together and it doesn’t mean anything. except it does. and they don’t know when it became normal to cuddle or wake up together or have breakfast together but it just was. and when the cute werewolf (who I still don’t have a name for-) plans on moving to the next place, she comes with. the pack are happy for her and they usually road trip from place to place so when the pack comes to visit in Prague? it’s fun to say the least

Kira Yukimura - age 25

she came back from the Skinwalkers in 2019 and she and Allison became good friends. she kept going with school from home and is dating Scott. her powers are strong and when she sneezes bcs yk pollen or wtv, there’s sparks and it’s hilarious and Scott finds it adorable. she doesn’t really know what she wants to do yet and that’s cool of her

Erica Reyes - age 25

they thought she was dead- think again bitch, she slowed her heart rate down so they couldn’t hear and everyone thought she was dead - when the alpha pack got rid of her body and Allison found it, she told her to tell the others to pretend she was dead bcs of the Alpha pack - they beat the Alpha pack but she and Boyd hid with Satomi’s pack while that went down and helped generally after. she kept going with school and bcs she dipped for a while, ended in Liam’s year and eventually became a nurse in 2017. she works with Melissa McCall and joins for family dinner a lot.

Isaac Lahey - age 25

went to France with Chris Argent but kept going with his studies at Chris’ insistence. was dating dating Scott before he had to leave with Chris but they didn’t actually break up,, it was more ‘i’ll miss you :(’. came back to Beacon Hills when Chris came to help with the deadpool business and stayed bcs of Allison and Scott 💞 his studies were mostly uninterrupted and he studied law, becoming a lawyer in 2020!! so at least one good thing came of this infernal year- he wants to specialise in family law.

Vernon Boyd III - age 26

yea no, Derek didn’t mercy kill him bcs he was fine :) de nile ain’t just a river lads he went into hiding with Satomi’s pack and came back when the Alpha pack was dealt with. went back to school and ended up in Liam’s year. he joined the air force when he was 18 and finished his rotc training stuff in 2018 and it’s pretty alright - he’s a pilot but was discharged in 2019 bcs someone started with him and bcs they were a superior, he couldn’t say shit. so now he likes to wear ‘fuck the army’ and ‘fuck the air force’ shirt. he has mad respect for the people out there but the people in charge? fuck em

Aiden Steiner - age 27

he lives bitches 😎 Ethan had a silver chain on so he plugged the wound with it - it counteracted the oni poison and the chain started melting into the would (he had mild silver poisoning but he was fine). school was normal and now he’s an engineer, living in Beacon Hills. he and Ethan left for London for a while bcs that town was crazy af. while Ethan was very happy there, he missed home so went back. he got an online ordination and learnt Japanese bcs why not

Ethan Steiner-Whittemore - age 27

got married!! whoo 🎉🎉 Aiden officiated (this is 2018 btw) and it was cute. the whole pack was there and the wedding was in London bcs as quaint as Beacon Hills is 

‘i’m only planning on getting married once so this is gonna be awesome’ - Jackson Whittemore, 2017

he’s dramatic but yk Ethan was a blushing mess bcs ~life partners~ he’s soft y’all. he’s a primary school teacher in London and they’re part of the South London pack.

Jackson Steiner-Whittemore - age 25

also got married!! whoo 🎉🎉 ngl he’s lowkey a trophey husband/sugar hubby bcs he’s rich af - he does business with his dad but it’s not a big workload. he and Aiden want to adopt and yk being rich will hopefully help

Theo Raeken - age 25

ah yes, the absolute nightmare bi enby returns. (i hc him with he/they pronouns ✌🏽 as you do) so he successfully gained Scott’s trust and is part of the pack - yay! he and Allison have a sort of ‘you’re a bitch’ ‘no u’ *saves each others lives* relationship at this point - it took a while for Allison to warm up to him but he did save Liam’s butt several times so,, anywho, he’s still a werewolf-werecoyote chimera and he’s cool with it. he went to an online school and got his high school diploma - Liam then snuck him into the school and he signed the bookshelf bcs yea he didn’t graduate there but he did go there and now he’s graduated so yay. speaking of, he and Liam are dating, yea ik we been knew. they started dating in 2014 and Theo now works waiting tables at a local restaurants bcs he lives with Liam and his parents (you best bet that when they found out he was living in his car, they made him move in so he pays rent, not at their request but his). that was till 2017 and they moved out into an apartment together. Theo chips in on rent but it usually ends up being split 60:40 (Liam: Theo) so he cooks and cleans a lot,,, mainly bcs Liam can’t cook and does laundry like a maniac-

Liam Dunbar - age 24

this werepup is just as chaotic as always - he cannot be trusted with laundry bcs he doesn’t split colours from whites :) honestly it makes me wanna cry a lil bcs he can’t even fry eggs either- he has Theo to cook for him tho so that’s all good. he’s a history tutor for the high school students bcs he likes history and he knows the pain of high school- *shudder* he got an online Spanish and TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) degree and is now teaching at Beacon Hills High but yk his first year teaching is all online bcs 2020-

Mason Hewitt - age 23

he’s Emissary to the pack when they don’t have Deaton *wipes tear* he’s all grown up- he went to UCLA and majored in biophysics and minored in LGBTQ studies (graduated 2017). he lived on campus (kept the bat next to his bed lmao) and videochatted with Liam almost everyday - he would visit almost every weekend even tho it’s a 6 and half drive but hey. he got an apartment near the uni where he and Corey lived after he graduated. they’ve been engaged since 2018 (it was actually the day after the Steiner-Whittemore wedding). he’s helping work on a new drug delivery system and they moved closer to Beacon Hills (Sacramento)

Corey Bryant - age 24

he also went UCLA, studying comparative literature and LGBTQ studies, and lived on campus (for 3 years before moving in with Mason in 2017) before graduating in 2018. they’re engaged and moved to Sacramento. he’s writing a novel that will thankfully have nothing to do with their confusing ass lives

Cora Hale - age 28

lesbian queen *bows* still part of her pack in Ecuador, South America - she’s got a lady lover who I call Rosa (affectionately nicknamed Rosalita). they met when she first got there age 12 (Rosa being 13 at the time). Rosa taught her Spanish  and made her feel like part of the pack - after all the Alpha pack stuff, when she went back with Derek and Peter, she didn’t realise how much she’d missed them- how much she’d missed her. Derek asks if that’s her girlfriend and she’s like ‘wha- o.o’ and Rosa just goes ‘yup - nice to finally meet you guys’. she still visits DC to see Derek and Beacon Hills to see Erica and Isaac. even tho she lives in a different continent, Peter still looks out for her, sending anonymous donations in Talia’s name to the areas surrounding her pack’s territory

Brett Talbot - 24

*singsongs* ~he did not die~ the car swerved out of the way and the pack took him to Deaton who burnt the poison out of him (it was a long and painful process but he’s fine y’all). he’s the new lacrosse coach at Devenford Prep and he and Liam have a (mostly) friendly rivalry :) he’s a single pringle not bcs of lack of dates but just bcs he hasn’t found the one yet

Lorilee Rohr - age 22

also did not die :) she finished high school (2015) and went on to studying at UC Berkeley (art practice and theatre and performance studies, major and minor), graduating in 2018. she and Brett moved once he reached age 18. she makes and sells art from home

Nolan Holloway - age 25

after proving himself, same as Theo, he was eventually accepted into the pack. he and Gabe were dating and that’s that so he did mourn him for a long while. he works with hunters on the dl, trying to stop them hunting the supernaturals - he’s flipped 23 away from the dark side by 2020. he and Liam are friends which took a while but Nolan has his back (like there was that one time someone from the lacrosse team said they weren’t gonna ‘follow some mongrel’ so he reminded them that Liam was co-captain and if they didn’t wanna follow him, they could kindly fuck off :)) he’s a simp and has a raging crush on Brett like me too bruh

~the end~ for now

[chalkytalkie]

if anyone is still following/still cares and was wondering where i’ve been all this time:

- I’m alright!! i’m about 2/3 done with med school now. college still fucks me in the head sometimes but i’m a lot better than i was in 2016/2017

- i broke up with my ex in 2017 and was honestly the best thing i’ve ever done bc he was toxic af!! now i’m single and happy being a bi hoe (at least i was b4 corona hit and put an end to my promiscuity for now)

- i’ve been living with 2 friends since 2018 and it feels much better than living alone. it really did wonders to my mental health and now i consider djoni and ingrid as part of my family for real.

- for about 5 months now i’ve been working at my city’s health office in the epidemiology department, doing my part in the efforts to handle the pandemic. i mainly call people who tested positive for covid and gather information about their symptoms/about where they got infected with the virus so we can map out the city’s hot-spots. it hasn’t been perfect but at least it’s something i can do and i get a little money from it too

- i came back now mainly bc i’ve started reading golden kamuy (lol) and i love the fandom on twitter, but twitter is a terrible platform when it comes to archiving and organising content. so i made a sideblog to reblog fanart and keep it organized!! 

- i want to keep this main blog as it is, because it is kind of a time capsule of a very large and important part of my life. like... i spent the better part of my teenage years in here daily, from 2010 to 2015 (and then more irregularly after i got into college in 2016). i made some great friends in here, and even people who weren’t exactly my friends were very important to the person i ended up becoming. tumblr was a type of chaotic mess that now feels very nostalgic in these times where the whole world seems like a much more dangerous chaotic mess... 

- i’ve been mainly on twitter these days, if anyone wants to hit me up or check on me

[woah-were-halfway-there]

What was it like when the two first hooked up. Like how did it progress to that? We’re they like a couple for a few years before they had Mia? Was it two years? Or four?

Ok so this is a really poorly written out timeline lol but hopefully it helps enough 🤣

October 2016: they met for the first time after she went to watch Mitch play in his first NHL game but it was literally just that, they met

Halloween 2016: they ran into each other at a bar, recognized one another, talked and then as she was getting ready to leave y/n mentioned how she was getting brunch with Mitch the next day and invited Auston to join and exchanged numbers. He went, and the three had a really great time

Beginning of November to end of December 2016: they began talking all the time, hung out and did lots together. They became very good friends in this time and it was completely platonic until it wasn’t. He even met Nate and her dad and everything, as a friend (and they were very much so catching feelings for each other but were too nervous/stubborn to do anything about it

December 30th 2016: the whole thing that went down with Chris at the bar on Lexie’s birthday happened. Y/n was v drunk and stayed at Auston’s place. They had a heart to heart *almost* kissed but didn’t

December 31st 2016: y/n wakes up full of regret, is upset about Chris, remembers the heart to heart with Auston (and the almost kiss) but is embarrassed and tries to get tf out of there but Auston is a sweet boi and made her breakfast and had Advil and water ready for her when she woke up so she didn’t have it in her to just dip. So, they talked. She stole some of his sweats and ended up staying with him well into the afternoon until he had to break it to her that his family had just gotten to the city and he had to go see them. Which she was fine with, she went to leave and he asked if she’d go to the centennial classic the following day. She said “yeah, me and Steph are going cause mitch and all” and then he said “no, I mean will you go to the classic as one of my plus ones?” Cause he wanted her to be there for him, cheering him on and she was shook, but said yes before leaving and going home for the night

January 1st 2017: she goes to the game, meets up with Steph and a couple of the girlfriends of the team that she’d gotten to know a little bit from always going to games and just being Mitchys “twin” Steph then handed y/n a bag and told her that she was asked to give that to her and in it was a Matthews jersey. Obviously y/n was surprised but also 🥺 so she put it on, they watched the game, Auston won in overtime. Then after the game when she finally got to talk with him, they were so freaking cute and awkward cause they were both feeling all types of ways especially Auston after seeing that she actually wore his jersey (much to mitch’s dismay) and then he officially introduced her to his family, who had all heard lots about her from Auston. It was very sweet, Ema then invited her to join them for dinner and she didn’t want mitch or steph to think she was bailing on them but they told her to go so she did and had a lot of fun. Then that night after they all had gone back to Auston’s condo, his family soon left and almost as soon as they were out the door Auston had y/n pressed against the wall and they were making out. She stayed the night that night.

January 22nd 2017: the two get into a fight. They’ve spent the entire month basically hooking up, spending all of their free time together and seemingly dating to anyone who didn’t know them. They were crazy about each other but then when y/n hinted that yeah, she would maybe like to try an actual relationship out with him, he froze up and made a comment basically saying that he thought what they had going was good (because he’s a stupid boy) and y/n said “I’m not going to be your fuck buddy, Auston. If you don’t want a relationship that’s fine. But I’m not doing just this especially with how I’ve completly fallen for you. I can’t be strung along, not after what happened with Chris. So, if you don’t want whatever this is going on between us to happen then please let me know and I’ll leave you alone.” And she left, pretty heartbroken because she was feeling that all she was good for to him was sex

January 28th 2017: he texts her in the middle of the night after not speaking all week to go skating with him. They go to the rink at harbourfront, which is empty cause it’s so late. They talk, skate, have competitive one on one matches cause Auston brought hockey gear. Then he, out of nowhere, asks her to be his girlfriend and how he’s wanting to give the idea of them as a couple, a shot

February 12th 2017: they’re officially official, everyone knows. Mitch has already sassed them. And she is his date to the centennial gala where they are pictured together as a couple and everything

Off-season 2017: Auston goes back to Scottsdale, y/n stays in Toronto and they do long distance but she does go to Arizona to visit him for two weeks. She meets his friends, really bonds with his family, then goes back to Toronto and he flys back too a couple of weeks later just before summer ends

2017/2018 season: not much happens, they’re very much so together and are just your typical couple. Y/n is in third year at university, spends a lot of time with her boyfriend at his place, but he goes to y/n and Lexie’s place a lot even though it’s not as nice as his condo downtown. Nate moved to Montreal for university after graduating high school that June, y/n’s dad moves to BC

Off-season 2018: y/n again stays in Toronto but does classes online so she can finish her degree a semester early. Auston is in Scottsdale again, but she does go stay with him for a couple of weeks again and brings him to BC with her and Nate to visit her dad and Mya 

2018/2019 season: again, just typical domestic relationship stuff. Y/n finishes university early, works full time at her retail job she had throughout university so she can save up some money because she wasn’t renewing the lease at hers and Lexie’s place since Lexie was moving come September (2019) and she needed to figure something out. Y/n graduated from her program in the spring. Auston, her family (including mitch and Steph), and Auston’s family were there to cheer her on

Off season 2019: y/n works in Toronto, gets hired by an office in her field and is set to start her “adult” job in September. She goes to Scottsdale for a month this time, from mid July to mid August to be with Auston. He’s decided he wants to ask her to move in with him but is a chicken and fucks it up. They fight and she almost goes home but all ends well and she agrees to move in with him

September 2019: y/n starts her job and news of Auston’s charge from when he was in AZ comes to light. Y/n didn’t know about it, was livid and hurt that he didn’t tell her something like that. It was almost a month of them living together, they got into probably their worst fight ever and she stayed at mitch and Steph’s for a few days (it took a bit but they worked it out)

2019-2020 season and 2020 offseason: the events that happen in “Good Life” (keep in mind I wrote that before covid, so that doesn’t exist in this universe)

December 2020: Auston proposes (like in Good Life) and Frank is introduced

End of June 2021: they find out y/n is pregnant

Rest of 2021 and into 2022: the events of “Along For The Ride” part 1 and eventually 2

January 25th 2022: Mia is born

July 30th 2022: they get married

September 2022: they move into their house and out of the condo

Rest of 2022 into 2023: there’s a couple of pieces I wrote like Mia’s 1st Christmas and “Island In The Sun”

Late November 2023: they find out about baby number two, which is where we are right now in the story

Hope this helped! ☺️ sorry it’s a freaking mess though

[nikatyler]

End of the Year 2019

How is it the end of the year already?! It feels like yesterday when I took the pictures from the first row. Looking back at 2019, it was a weird year for me. I’ve had some of the best of times and some of the worst of times. My self-esteem was at its highest and at its lowest too. And when I think of all that has happened, this year feels both too short and too long at the same time. I’ve achieved and ruined so much.

You guys have seen a lot here, and as always, we are going to look back at it. You can check the posts for 2016 here, 2017 here and 2018 here and here. I will be doing a separate post for my favourite non-story pictures later, because there’s been a lot of them too. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE. I mean, bold of you to assume I’ll stop.

January: We started off by finishing the rose generation, which was one wild ride that I enjoyed a lot. Not pictured: the very unexpected birth of Lucian and Ross’s transformation into a vampire. I thought that’s where the story would end. I thought I’d move to the next generation and he’d be just a side character that shows up sometimes because well, he has to. Family and all that. As we all know, he’s still stealing the spotlight and not always in a...good way. But we’ll get there.

February: Gen 6. I still think Kayla is my cutest irrelevant spare. Well, a spare’s kid. The first fire accident. This one ended well, Adam saved himself. And that last picture...I don’t know, I just love when ghosts show up on the lot at night, okay. And ghost!Tyler is a whole mood.

March: Regaaaaan ♥ Quads’ storylines. The second fire accident. This one didn’t end well, but I was weak and quit without saving. I mean, I was also in the middle of a storyline. If Miracle had suddenly dropped dead, I would have had to rewrite everything, and I wasn’t into that.

April: Quads aged up and their storylines more or less wrapped up. I think we’ll be seeing less of them when the legacy comes back. We can only hope StoryProgression will be nice to them. Will and Roan though. Oh my god, these two. They weren’t supposed to do much but they played quite a role in a later storyline. I love them. Their storyline is definitely my most favourite out of all quads’ storylines. And finally, Regan leaves for Isla Paradiso.

May: Courtney and Felix got married and you still haven’t seen their baby. Whoops. Regan made friends in Isla Paradiso. I love George and Lou with my entire heart. Oh and of course, she made more than just friends there. Shit’s about to go down.

June: Shit really went down but I had so much fun working on this storyline. Just...give me strong emotions to work with and I’ll go wild. At the end of the month, I finally started posting my BPR. Did I tell you that it started off as a bitter joke? Which is ironic because they’re berry sweet sims. Okay, that wasn’t funny at all, I’m sorry.

July: More BPR. Gen 1 was quite uneventful and boring, I know, but just you wait for gen 2. It’s been done in true simmeronnie fashion, your favs aliens and fires may or may not return but you didn’t hear that from me. Anyway, yeah. Eden. Just like Ross, he’s another sim that starts off as an ass who refuses to take care of his child but then as the time goes, he changes for the better and long story short at the moment I love him even though he’s still a dick sometimes. Like when he refuses proposals. But you didn’t hear that from me either. Next up we have Gwyneth and Vanessa. I’ve said this before but Vanessa...she’s a good match for Gwyn and I’m happy they’re together, but there’s something about her that I just don’t like. For example, why the hell can’t you let go, Vanessa. Why do you have to keep holding those grudges. (says the person who holds a million irrational grudges too but ok go off ron maybe the reason why you don’t like that is because you see yourself in that) Oh and yeah, even though they’re not my favourite couple and I don’t even like one of them, they have the cutest proposal pics I’ve ever taken. Period.

August: More BPR. At this point there have been less alien jokes so they decided to come back to remind us they still exist and they still want to be my brand. Sorry my dudes, that’s probably not happening again. Oh. I started posting my BC in August. I’ll post the rest too, I promise. I’m actually almost done, I need to finish the last episode. Soon, hopefully. But yeah, BC will return. And more BPR...I love Roxanne. She’s a lot like me. She writes weird stories about aliens, likes her characters more than real people and sometimes eats weird shit for breakfast. (let’s just say my eating habits have become quite interesting ever since I moved to a dorm...)

September: Oh god, this rivalry between Eden and Vanessa...well, it’s not even a rivalry, Vanessa just hates him. “You weren’t nice to my wife? Cancelled, and no I don’t care that you’re making up for it now.” Magnolia is my favourite evil sim and I love this alliance her younger siblings have formed against her haha.

October: The moment you’ve been waiting for, NSB is back! Ross keeps wanting to hang out with Sunset, which makes me cry because it shows how far he’s come. Sunset and Dawn...when I was playing the yellow gen, I wasn’t even into them as much as I am into them now. They’re finally getting the development they deserve through the ask games. They’re the soft adorable couple that I need to balance out the overdramatic mess that said no to happily ever after...amirite Ross and Caleb? Not that it’s their fault that their happily ever after was just temporary but shhh.

November: Crystal and Claudia are born. I love these girls so much. Claudia reminds me of her grandfather in some way and because of that I’m kinda scared of what her generation will be like, but also I can’t wait to play it haha. Grandpa!Ross is a thing I didn’t know I needed. Oh and would you look at that, another fire accident.

December: This month started nicely, right? Sunset and Dawn got married...and then...then my worst fuckup of 2019 (second worst actually but we won’t be getting into the first one) happened. I didn’t include a picture of that because we don’t need to be reminded of that, do we? Instead, there’s a picture of when things were alright again. I love these two boys ;-; Please make sure they’re safe from me. I don’t care what it takes, just make sure nothing happens to them again. My heart wouldn’t take it. (says the person whose first reaction to seeing that Ross is dying was hysterical laughter but again go off sis) And finally, the family is moving into a new house. Which reminds me, I should put the old small one on the gallery. Will do that.

Thank you for a lit an amazing 2019!

Now let’s just hope that 2020 is less lit...if you know what I mean.

[thecollegefootballguy]

Bizarro Football: An Alternate History of College Football in 2016

Welcome back to Bizarro Football, a look at what would have happened if conference realignment never happened from 2010 onwards.

Check out the previous seasons first if you’d like to catch up: 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015

This post is basically an amalgamation of the various other conference posts I’ve made throughout this (and part of last) off season. Check those out here:

ACC: 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 Big East: 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 Big Ten: 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 Big 12: 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 PAC-10: 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 SEC: 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018

I’ve made some adjustments for games that were never played as well as incorporating the G5 and Notre Dame, but otherwise things haven’t changed from these earlier posts.

So far, the College Football Playoff era has been a mixed bag for Bizarro Football. 2014 went even worse than real life because even fewer deserving teams made the Playoff. Conversely, 2015 went exactly right, picking the 4 most deserving teams to make the field. Let’s see how 2016 stacks up.

-

ACC

Atlantic Division

Clemson 13-0 (8-0) Florida State 11-1 (7-1) NC State 8-4 (5-3) Boston College 7-5 (4-4) Maryland 5-7 (1-7) Wake Forest 4-8 (1-7)

Coastal Division

Virginia Tech 9-4 (6-2) Miami FL 9-3 (5-3) North Carolina 7-5 (4-4) Georgia Tech 8-4 (4-4) Virginia 3-9 (2-6) Duke 4-8 (1-7)

ACC Championship Game: Clemson over Virginia Tech

The ACC really hasn’t been altered all that much by conference realignment. I guess because Pittsburgh and Syracuse really didn’t do much outside of 2018, and Louisville just was in the wrong division to matter. I mean, Clemson has had two back to back undefeated regular seasons in this universe, so things have changed a little thanks to avoiding Pitt and Syracuse. Florida State remained rock solid right behind the Tigers, but this was the last year that Jimbo Fisher’s Seminoles would fly so high. As usual, the rest of the conference wasn’t that impressive. Virginia Tech won the Coastal carousel this time around, but the Hokies weren’t impressive enough to seriously threaten either Clemson or FSU.

-

Big East

Pittsburgh 9-3 (6-1) Louisville 10-2 (6-1) West Virginia 10-2 (5-2) South Florida 9-3 (5-2) Cincinnati 5-7 (2-5) Syracuse 4-8 (2-5) Rutgers 3-9 (1-6) Connecticut 3-9 (1-6)

Another year, another mediocre Pitt team somehow beats out better Louisville and West Virginia squads to claim the Big East title. God this conference is so depressing. It was a good thing that they lost an automatic bid. Or maybe it’s just a shame that they didn’t get UCF or Houston in this version of the league.

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Big Ten

Ohio State 11-1 (7-1) Michigan 11-1 (7-1) Wisconsin 10-2 (6-2) Northwestern 8-4 (6-2) Penn State 8-4 (5-3) Minnesota 8-4 (4-4) Indiana 6-6 (3-5) Iowa 6-6 (3-5) Michigan State 5-7 (2-6) Purdue 3-9 (1-7) Illinois 1-11 (0-8)

I’m really getting sick of the Big Ten’s antics. For the third year in a row, the league has had two 11-1 co-champions. I’m starting to see the utility of the conference championship game. And the Big Ten was GOOD in 2016. Michigan, Ohio State, Wisconsin, and Penn State all landed in the AP top ten. In this scenario, the Wolverines went 11-0 but just couldn’t close out (and really got jobbed) by the Buckeyes. OSU went unbeaten aside from an upset on the road to Northwestern. This scenario is really unkind to Penn State. The Nittany Lions lost to Wisconsin, Michigan, and Ohio State in back to back to back weeks, and they lost to Pitt because somebody has to get upset by Pitt. That’s enough to knock one of the hottest teams at the end of the year out of the NY6. What a shame.

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Big 12

North

Colorado 10-3 (7-1) Nebraska 9-3 (5-3) Kansas State 8-4 (5-3) Iowa State 4-8 (2-6) Missouri 3-9 (1-7) Kansas 2-10 (1-7)

South

Oklahoma 11-2 (8-0) Oklahoma State 9-3 (6-2) Texas A&M 8-4 (4-4) Baylor 7-5 (3-5) Texas 6-6 (3-5) Texas Tech 6-6 (3-5)

Big 12 Championship Game: Oklahoma over Colorado

After a decade of futility, Colorado once again had their moment in the sun. The Buffaloes tore through the North and briefly became America’s Team. Then Oklahoma came in an rained on their parade. OU was once again the premier Big 12 team, but the Sooners’ 11-2 record likely keeps them out of reach of the Playoff. The league as a whole was down outside of Oklahoma and Oklahoma State, so an at-large bid is somewhat unlikely.

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PAC-10

Washington 11-1 (8-1) Washington State 9-3 (8-1) Stanford 10-2 (7-2) USC 9-3 (7-2) Oregon State 5-7 (4-5) California 5-7 (3-6) Oregon 5-7 (3-6) Arizona State 5-7 (2-7) UCLA 4-8 (2-7) Arizona 3-9 (1-8)

The PAC-10 went from being one of the most consistently good conferences in college football to the bottom of the Power 5 barrel (though thankfully the Big East keeps them from being the absolute worst in this universe). It also kinda sucks not having Utah and Colorado this year. Washington and Washington State both staged uprisings against the previous conference overlords: Oregon and Stanford. The Apple Cup ended up deciding the conference and the Huskies, playing their best season since 2000, take the league crown with their tie-breaking win. USC was the league’s hottest team by the end of the season, but the Trojans’ early struggles will likely keep them out of the Rose Bowl in this scenario.

-

SEC

East

Florida 7-5 (5-3) Vanderbilt 7-5 (4-4) Tennessee 7-5 (3-5) Georgia 6-6 (3-5) Kentucky 6-6 (3-5) South Carolina 6-6 (3-5)

West

Alabama 13-0 (8-0) Auburn 10-2 (7-1) LSU 7-4 (5-3) Arkansas 7-5 (3-5) Mississippi State 5-7 (3-5) Ole Miss 4-8 (1-7)

SEC Championship Game: Alabama over Florida

My word the SEC East just did not matter in 2016. It’s not like they were better with Missouri, the Tigers completely collapsed as well. Florida again makes it to Atlanta but they didn’t need to play that Championship Game. In what was probably the league’s weakest season since 2007 or 2006, Alabama just smokes the rest of the conference on their way to the Playoff.

-

Notable non-BCS Conference Teams

Memphis 12-1* Western Michigan 13-0*

*conference champions

Row the Boat! Aside from Memphis no other G5 team really mattered aside from Western Michigan. Timing plays a big part in breakthrough seasons, and WMU timed their undefeated run really well.

-

Projected CFP Rankings

#1. Alabama 13-0 (8-0) #2. Clemson 13-0 (8-0) #3. Ohio State 11-1 (7-1) #4. Washington 11-1 (8-1) #5. Michigan 11-1 (7-1) #6. Florida State 11-1 (7-1) #7. Auburn 10-2 (7-1) #8. Oklahoma 11-2 (7-1) #9. Wisconsin 10-2 (6-2) #10. Stanford 10-2 (7-2) #11. USC 9-3 (7-2) #12. Oklahoma State 9-3 (6-2) #13. Washington State 9-3 (8-1) #14. Colorado 10-3 (7-1) #15. Western Michigan 13-0 (8-0)

There is a pretty big drop in in quality after the top five or so teams. That and some of the best teams at the end of the season (USC and Penn State) don’t get the proper recognition.

Oh yeah, and with the Rose, Sugar, and Orange Bowls all falling outside of the Playoff rotation, there is only one at-large bid to go around.

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Projected NY6 Games

Orange Bowl: #6 Florida State vs #19 Pittsburgh

This is gonna be a bloodbath. The Panthers have no business being here and Florida State would have a lot of frustration to work out having been outdone by Clemson again. I don’t think Pitt does their Pitt thing in this game and upsets the Seminoles. In real life, FSU did beat a superior Michigan team to end their last good year under Fisher so I can’t imagine the Panthers put up a fight.

Cotton Bowl: #9 Wisconsin vs #15 Western Michigan

This matchup actually took place in real life. Western Michigan’s dream season ended under the crushing heel of a well oiled Wisconsin machine.

Rose Bowl: #5 Michigan vs #10 Stanford

Michigan didn’t get into the Playoff, being passed over in favor of PAC-10 Champion Washington. Instead, the Wolverines get to take it out on Stanford. The Cardinal probably would not have done well in this game, they had a good enough year but USC would have been the proper choice. However, the Trojans’ resume just wasn’t enough to put them ahead of Stanford and so the Cardinal get to represent the PAC-10 in the Rose Bowl. I assume UM wins this one, but it could have been a fun game if Stanford’s offense doesn’t get totally corralled early on. 

Sugar Bowl: #7 Auburn vs #8 Oklahoma

As SEC runner-up, Auburn has the tough task of facing off against Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl. The Sooners were the better team but this could be a pretty wild game based on the offenses and defenses involved.

Peach Bowl (semifinal): #1 Alabama vs #4 Washington

lol

Fiesta Bowl (semifinal): #2 Clemson vs #3 Ohio State

LOL

Oh hey, the Playoff perfectly matches what happened in real life 2016. Maybe that means it’s working. Not that it would have been too difficult to choose the top 4 teams in this situation.

Clemson wins the national championship I guess.

-

So far Bizarro Football is 2 for 3. 2015 and 2016 perfectly match the real life top 4 which also happened to be the 4 correct playoff choices. 2014 was a mess but that whole year made it pretty difficult.

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

I want (need) you to expand (tell me everything) about that post about It and the 2016 Creepy Clown Crisis. (Really, if you have anything else to say about it I want to hear it)

Yes, take my hand and join me in what will probably be an incoherent ramble about something that is most likely not true, my love.

OKAY, SO:

I’m sure we all remember those #iconic Creepy Clowns™, but as a refresher- Creepy Clown sightings are actually something that have been like, an urban legend phenomenon for Y E A R S. Like, a very long time. I used to do a lot of reading on the subject seeing as I was that kid™, but now you just get a million and one results from 2016 and I’ve had too much wine to wanna bother fighting through that. But anyway, this has always been a thing. Just, like, sometimes you’d see a creepy clown in the dead of night, but the clown doesn’t fucking do anything and you move on with your life. I actually saw one in like, 4th or 5th grade? Didn’t die, it wasn’t a huge deal. But anyway, in 2016 things just SPIRALED THE FUCK OUT OF CONTROL. Personally, I maintain what happened was that your average urban legend phenomenon was happening but since social media is so prevalent now a lot of creeps got inspired and the whole thing got blown up because of that…but that’s not the theory we’re focusing on in this post, so whatever. 

Now, as I’m sure you’ll also remember, there were HUNDREDS of conspiracy theories swirling around the whole clown crisis- everything from demonic possession, to a ‘clown purge’, to people thinking Hillary Clinton had hired the clowns to freak out America even more so she could get fear votes. I’m not shitting you, those were all things I heard daily. But another, tamer, theory was: this was all a mass promotional stunt for the IT reboot. 

The IT reboot was highly anticipated and very debated- fans of the work were well aware that they had been trying to get this movie made for years but kept running into issues. When they finally started filming, they shot from June to September in 2016. The clown sightings ran from August to October 2016. This theory made sense- it’s not hard to believe that a studio would pull something like that, thinking it’d be a fun publicity stunt but then not really wanting to take credit once it got out of hand. That’s literally happened before, like the Montauk Monster and that Dear Charlie ghost thing.  Anyway, a lot of people thought this couldn’t possibly be a coincidence- like, I’ve even seen the actors asked about it in interviews (like they’re on the marketing team??), but none of them had much to comment. This will be the theory we focus on…just with a bit of a twist. 

Now, if your reading this and you’ve only seen part one of the 2017 movie and don’t know much about the book or miniseries 1) you’re a valid fan, I love you bitch, and 2) I’m sorry, but spoilers are coming immediately and every time I try to put one of those ‘read more’ cut offs my screen glitches and I loose all my writing bc someone out there is against me. So read at your own risk. 

Okay, as part of the ‘adult’ storyline, they go back into It’s lair in Derry and find out that It has laid eggs and set to work destroying them. There’s a whole fuck lot going on with this plotline, like Eddie and the Turtle™ are dead and Bev’s barely doing shit and Ben’s smashing babies while Bill’s trying to get inside the monster and Richie mourns his bf, it’s all a Mess okay, but the point is: eggs. 

Now, the notion that not all of the spawn were destroyed is actually…not new at all and somewhat debatably relevant in some of King’s other novels, but stick with me here. As far as the Losers know, they killed everything. The scars on their hands go away. It’s all very symbolic and they forget everything, whatever. 

But.

The 2017 reboot wasn’t exactly…that close to the book. Like, they kept enough in there, and they had a bunch of really small things that were Fun Little Call Backs For Book Fans (all the turtle stuff, Bev throwing that rock in slow motion with awesome precision, Pennywise taunting Richie with that decaying doll, stuff like that, you know?). But so it’s not completely out of left field to assume that Chapter Two would be very different as well? It’s not crazy to assume that the movie would end with like, a dramatic ass lingering shot of a few hatching eggs…Or even, say, a subplot that sounds like ‘the eggs hatched around the same time It woke back up out of hibernation and now there’s crazy attacks all over the place instead of Derry, but maybe if we kill the Main Beast that’ll kill them all’ (like a hive mind. you know what I mean.).

It’s not crazy to assume that. My wine glass and Shitty Writer Imagination That Never Lets Me Rest And Makes Me Over Analyze Works Of Fiction have 100% assured me of that. 

So, remember that theory that the clown sightings were just a fun promotional stunt that got out of hand…? What if- it was a promotional stunt, and setting the scene for the sequel (that still got out of hand bc humans are garbage people actually got hurt)

I don’t think anybody getting hurt was ever in the intention, but making headlines because Creepy Clowns are lurking outside schools, in cemeteries, seen trying to lure people into the woods, going out of their way to scare people and be seen as threats even if they don’t actually do anything wrong?? I can absolutely buy that as a promotion stunt…and I can absolutely see, oh, I don’t know, maybe the movie including some recycled Actual News Clips covering the events, taking advantage of all the crazy videos people posted online, stuff like that. Like, in the book and miniseries and 2017 part one, no one outside of Derry knows shit about what’s going on…but you can’t really justify something like that flying under the radar in the age of social media. You can’t. Kids would start turning up dead left and right and you’d sign onto tumblr and see a fucking ‘since the media doesn’t care enough and no one’s talking about this, let me tell you what’s going on in my town’ type post. You’d absolutely hear about it. There’d be twitter campaigns and all types of shit, there’s just no way around it. That Creepy Clown Crisis went viral for a reason. 

But Molly, you say, It didn’t always appear just as a clown! People weren’t harassed by anything other than the clowns in 2016! 

Well, my love, let me point something out to you- It is millions of years old. It’s got shapeshifting and fear manipulation down pat. Could you possibly hold new born babies to that standard? No. Do we know for a fact that It literally prays on children and likes to take the form of Pennywise the Dancing Clown simply because it’s easier? Yes. 

People weren’t that afraid of the clowns when the sightings first started. But then more and more kept popping up, and do you know what we had on our hands? Mass hysteria. Mass hysteria sounds like a perfect way for a bunch of inexperienced little hive mind monsters to get the hang of the hunting with fear thing. 

Not to mention Georgie died in September/October…which means It probably usually wakes up out of hibernation around then…I’m just s a y i n g. And the sightings mysteriously stopped around November…a good timeline for the Loser’s to have killed It and thus stopped the clown crisis…I’m just s a y i n g.

Like, can I definitely prove that the studio was behind that mess as a means to set the stage for the sequel while getting some fun promotion out of it? No, I can’t, and honestly I doubt it’s true, this was just a fun thought that came to me lol. But honestly…it’s so easy to see how well a type of plotline like that would work with the film, so at the very least, if they don’t take advantage of the Clown Crisis…I will severely Judge Them, because like, it’s all right there. It’s writing itself. Damn. 

The end, until, 2019, I guess. 

[jennycalendar]

2017 fic roundup

tagged by the incredible @catty-words!! which is a delight bc 1) cori is amazing and 2) i LOVE talking about my writing. so here goes

Total 2017 Word Count: 252,499 (.......that’s a lot wow) Total 2017 Hits: 7,515 Other 2017 AO3 Stats: Kudos: 653; Comment threads: 197; Bookmarks: 76; Subscriptions: 49.

Total 2016 Word Count: 61,766 (oh my GOD in COMPARISON i wrote. so much this year) Total 2016 Hits: 4,651 Other 2016 AO3 Stats: Kudos: 360; Comment threads: 55; Bookmarks: 38; Subscriptions: 15.

links and titles to 2017 works

i wrote. um. a lot. like a lot. didn’t realize how much until i had to compile an actual list and now it’s like....wow.

orpheus (4,721 words) that one time i wrote a giles/jenny orpheus & eurydice au. set during....s5-ish? i had fun with this

determination unmatched (1,576 words) set during school hard; ft. giles and jenny in the library and jenny panicking over her Commitment Issues.

the sunnydale high mortality rate (1,722 words) i’m PRETTY sure i wrote this in 2016 for jenny calendar day, but i posted it again as a standalone in january so. still counts sort of. jenny’s musings on life and death in sunnydale.

on gambles (5,577 words) a tara/faith au of the office; tara is a shy receptionist and faith is a flirty paper salesgirl.

bravery (50,445 words) IM GETTING NOSTALGIC because last time i did this fic roundup thing my goal for 2017 was to finish bravery??? and then i did??? and it was beautiful??? fjsfsdljk do i even need to summarize this fic; u all heard me talking about it at Some point or another....it’s a giles/jenny becoming au. i reread it recently and i feel like i’ve really improved since then, but it was a landmark fic for me and the first multi-chapter fic with a complex plot that i actually finished (and last lmao whoops). i love it still

first steps (5,740 words) the follow-up to bravery!! set during dead man’s party. kinda fluffy & pointless but it was still super fun to write

second chances (9,371 words) oh boy this fic is the only one from early 2017 that i’m still genuinely really proud of. set during s6; jenny comes back as a ghost, and only anya can see her.

impromptu vigil for the dead scooby mom (3,226 words) jenny dies in chosen instead of in passion, and giles copes.

missing (13,402 words) s3 jenny, from a world where giles died, forms an accidental supernatural connection with s3 giles.

conscious choices (6,708 words) MY CHEESY ROM-COM FIC. i love this one so much so much so much. told through emails, phone calls, and texts, giles and jenny fall in love (again, sort of) in s4 when jenny comes back into town.

mermaid magic (13,140 words) some anon sent me an ask once upon a time re: jenny as a mermaid and that ask spiraled into a lot of asks and then a tag on my blog and finally this fic. it was inevitable, really.

grand romantic gestures (10,558 words) this was without a doubt my secret masterpiece of 2017. femslash calendiles, set after passion. while attempting to cope with jenny’s death, gil stumbles across something surprising, and then things just start spiraling from there.

restraint (4,305 words) a prequel to on gambles, though they could be read in any order. faith attends the dundies and pines over tara (though she definitely doesn’t want to call it pining). also there is of course some jenny/giles content because i’m Me

forever (4,031 words) kind of still in progress?? various femslash oneshots (faith/tara, willow/buffy, and willow just being a lesbian in general)

irredeemable evil (5,919 words) jenny tries to get used to being a vampire. giles is desperately in love.

on heroes (6,054 words) look i GET that slayers have to be the one-girl-in-all-the-world thing but i hate the cpr scene with romantic undertones so like. i wrote this. with semi-gratuitous mostly-platonic jenny/giles because i’m Me.

fortune favors the bold (2,768 words) jackaby fic!!!! for my traumatized ghost girl and her mess of a paranormal detective boyfriend, who both very clearly have no idea how functioning relationships work, but they love each other so they muddle through. written before i read book 4 bc i was afraid jackaby and jenny wouldn’t get a canonical love declaration & kiss. everyone please read jackaby 4 me

loving parents (6,259 words) am i ever going to finish this? who knows? giles and jenny are expecting a baby in some alternate v happy s5. literally just scooby shenanigans and wish fulfillment.

closeness (1,532 words) my headcanon for giles and jenny’s first kiss!! soft and tentative.

friends with extras (788 words) leverage; sophie/nate and pillow talk. not my best work and i don’t think i really Got their dynamic, but i think someday i might return to write fic for them? maybe? canon gave me so much already so i don’t really feel the need. 

many kinds of magic (2,394 words) my favorite thing about this fic is the fact that i felt 0 need to explain why jenny was alive. she’s just There. willow and tara fall in love, aided gently by jenny. except not really bc lbr willow and tara need NO help to fall in love, so jenny just listens and offers advice.

imperfections (76,843 words) someday i really will come back to this. maybe. hopefully. i wrote it while i was sorting through Sad Feelings and i don’t......have.....those feelings anymore, which is Excellent for me but kinda bad for this fic. anyway. faith and jenny form a friendship in s3 (or: a braveryverse rewrite of season 3 where jenny is alive).

pint-size potential (7,212 words) the first fic in what will hopefully be a series of short fics!! giles is charged with the care of baby buffy summers, a potential who isn’t likely to become a slayer (according to the council).

adapting (3,327 words) sequel to pint-size potential! giles adjusts to his life in sunnydale; buffy throws things and gets excited about animals

inevitability (4,881 words) post-chosen faith/buffy; soft and hesitant and frightened but both of them are still determined to try.

Favorite Fic: DEFINITELY grand romantic gestures. like i love all these fics (and i feel like the calendiles day fics were some of my best. jenny as a sarcastic smitten mermaid??? giles and jenny passive-aggressively emailing?? jenny and buffy forming a tentative friendship over the fact that they both loved giles???) but grand romantic gestures was swoony and gorgeous and sapphic and incredibly romantic. i’m so so proud of it and i want it to get Lots of attention but it. does not. so like...please go read & review

Hardest Fic: definitely missing, because i was writing it under time constraints and i felt like it wasn’t good enough the whole time. but it surprised me by turning out to be really nice!! i went back and reread it and. solid work celia.

Do You Plan to Take Prompts in 2018? oh totally!! i don’t know if i’ll Complete them but i’m definitely down to take them.

What was the best thing about 2017? wow this is hard. this is hard and i really like that this is hard. the best thing about 2017 is 100% that i cannot decide what the best thing about 2017 is. i have a lot of options and a lot of friends and a lot of happy things that i did not have last year. i feel very good about that.

What was the worst thing about 2017? that i didn’t Actually meet robia. but there were so many good things that balanced it out!!

Any last thoughts for 2017? i’ve been saying for a while that 2017 felt like a stepping-stone year towards something better for me, but i think it was actually a damn good year as a whole. i think i need to stop thinking of things as a journey towards happiness and start just...enjoying whatever journey i’m on.

Goals for 2017

FINISH THE TOP-SECRET DETECTIVE AU and find a title and start posting it!! it’s intricate and gorgeous and i can't wait to show it to u all

write more femslash!!!!

stop telling myself i’m not writing enough. i was telling myself that all this year aND I WROTE OVER 250,000 words SO CLEARLY I AM DOING PRETTY DAMN WELL WHEN I’M NOT EVEN TRYING

tagging @regenderate and um i’m not sure if i can think of other people that cori didn’t tag?? i love my small corner of the buffy fandom but it’s. difficult 4 tagging people. so like if u see this ur tagged congrats

[sanhatation]

ri’s thicc 2017 reflection post !

its still quite a few hours away from 2018 for me but i just wanted to take this time to reflect on my absolutely Lovely 2017!!! yay time 2 get sappy as i word vomit and overshare about my year on tumblr.com !!!!

thank you loads to all of my LOVELY followers !!!!!!!!! yall are the cutest, make my day on the daily ! i wish you the best 2018 that the world can offer !!! stay healthy, take time for yourself, love yourself, love others, and be kind! 💓💓

this Riley Rant here, is gonna be here for me than anything. like a Fat journal entry !! and i am an Oversharer so here she goes [jeopardy music]

to begin, i have met and befriended so many amazing people on here this year and WOW!!!!!! lovely and supportive and talented, beautiful aroha friends??? it doesnt get better than that!!!!! i would attempt to tag all of u but yall know who u are ;)) im endlessly grateful to those of you who have really made being on here worth it. heck ya sometimes im like “why do i even spend time on here” but then!!!! idk sunny comes swingin in with just a heart full of love or sara comes swingin in with her eggs or marian comes swingin in with her rare pairs or j comes swingin in with her baking posts and thats not even HALF of it !!!!! seriously.....love you guys tons.

to my friends who i have had the pleasure of remaining your friend this year and getting closer to u !! i love you. i really dont know how yall handle me especially 2015/2016 me?? a MESS! yall are the REALEST. again, yall know who u are ;)) i hope we can continue to talk and have fun in 2018, i wish yall the best. 

and lastly....heres a THICC shoutout to my six shining stars. 

as for me as an individual, 2017 was a freaking Whack year. it was incredible....dare i say, iconic. and now its time for.....RILEY’S 2017 HIGHLIGHTS !!!!!! (also includes: the sucky parts bc even those allowed me to grow !)

- man, did 2017 start out pretty rough when my country decided it was a good idea to elect a freakin cheeto for president. however! i had the lovely opportunity to attend the women’s march at my capital the day before inauguration !! and it was powerful!!!! truly an experience ill treasure forever!

- binch....thank u Winter Dream for my whole life. tbh i wont forget sobbing at my best friend’s house when it dropped. thank u Miss Again Dance Practice. thank u Miss You & Me MV. thank u Miss Cotton Candy Choreography. thank u. 

- ah.....when some pinhead started that tr*mp chanting at a basketball game lol! so iconic that we made the new york times! gotta love that....

- OMG !!! HOW TO SUCCEED !!!! an absolutely amazing experience. granted, the male lead was a Snake, but i had a blast. Rosemary will forever be close to my heart and ill always cry a little when i hear Brotherhood of Man or Paris Original !! such an awesome opportunity. i learned a frick ton about myself as a performer. i improved a ton in acting and dancing, and also came to learn that i am very good at receiving instructions and memorizing lines quickly. i learned that i need to work on some of my facial expressions and i also learned some of my habits ! i miss u Queenie H2$ :’’)

- had my first tap dance performance ever??? i really enjoyed learning tap, and i hope to pick it back up in the future !!!!

- BIIIIIINCCH i had the opportunity to visit my sister in korea!!!!!!! wow.....truly the BEST week of my entire year, maybe even LIFE! i went to the dog cafe, the sheep cafe, mcountdown, the lunar festival kick off, gwanghwamun palace, dongdaemun, shopped a ton around hongdae, ate food by the han river, visited namsan tower (but not without getting lost), hit the noraebang TWICE, walked into a private Fantagio board meeting, ate delicious chicken on a STIIICK, ran in the rain, ordered delivery mcdonalds, had the BEST fried chicken, met a bunch of monks, was led around dongdaemun by a very old korean man, SAW EUNWOO AND DOYEON AND RECEIVED MUCH LOVE AND NEARLY DIED, hit the convenience store literally every day, snuck out, GOT A WAVE FROM KEY :((( , bought Winter Dream and lots of skin care products and lots of cute clothes, had the clearest skin ive ever had in my life, went to a buddhist temple, witnessed a drunk man fall into the splits inbetween the ground and the subway, ran up and down 1000 subway stairs, fell in love with a man named Peanut, drank too much banana and strawberry milk, sobbed my face off at the festival as korean grandmas bowed to me, tried tons of new foods (including the nastiest bowl of cheese ramyun ive ever had in my life), bought lots of socks, rode an airplane for......like 40 hours in total? literally the best week of my Life

- had my junior vocal recital ! it was a cute girl. i felt my acting had really improved since sophomore voice recital !! 

- had prom on my 17th birthday and had a jolly good time !!! my mom made my dress and i felt like a Stunner

- dream pt. 01...she rly is that Bad Bih. best era. miss her loads. none of us ever deserved her. 

- les mis !!!!!! two whole weeks.....another Best Time. i learned so much, made so many lifetime friends, had a blast, sang my heart out.....such a freaking good time. i miss her

- got to spend the ENTIRE summer with momo!!!!!!!!!!! literally the ENTIRE!!!!! and what did we do? hit the park, watched lemonade mouth and fantastic beasts and starstruck and that random unicorn movie, made the Best slime, made that ICONIC weki meki video, laughed a ton, cried a ton, stayed up all night for the sunrise, stayed later for the sunset & thunderstorm, walked home in the pouring rain & lightning (IT IS VERY WET), went to the beach, met many dogs, got me hairs cut, befriended that Cat, and went to a painting class

- cabin week !!!!!!!!!!! whatta lovely time

- my brother’s wedding !!!! honestly? my best outfit of the year... had a bangin time. his wife is truly a cutie and i love her tons!

- there was that Mess in august and i still feel sorry to those who felt hurt because of it. i learned a lot about how things especially on the internet can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted, so u gotta be EXTRA careful with your words ! 

- through that i also came to accept that u cant get everyone to understand or like u, and tbh that is okay for now. all we can do when we make mistakes is try to understand & learn, apologize, and try to better ourselves. and sometimes even when u do that, u still may not be liked. and thats okay. as long as you are trying your best and recognize mistakes, its all good. 

-skinny dipped at girls time wow what a freaking TIME

- woah dude i dropped out of my arts school lmao!!! the BIGGEST change in my life since 2014.;..wow! i dont even have the words to say how much stress was lifted off of me and i love senior yr !!!!

- momo came to CT!!!!!! 

- seeing svt live !!!!! but tbh the best part was seeing momo, “I LOVE A MAN WHO CAN SEW”, “I!!!!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JIHOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, “IM UNDERAGE”, and when Mo BLASTED to that other line

- LAKE COMPOUNCE LMAOOOOO I LOVE JIHOON PT2!!!!

- my mom, sister, and i took an eight week painting class! i finished two paintings and learned a ton!! honestly a good time

- dream pt. 02.....shes that other Bad Bih....absolutely adore her

- i also learned that its okay to cut people off who are toxic. especially if you have already informed them that they make u feel bad, they are not worth trying to please or keep around. take care of yourself. similarly, its okay to block people, and you dont owe them an explanation

- MADI CAME HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my other half...missed her so much :(((

- riley’s calligraphy christmas !!!!! was so much fun and i loved people’s reactions and i loved learning arohas favorite astro lyrics !!!

- ah...............one of the hardest weeks of my whole life. the pain still lingers, and i know itll hit me again like a boulder the next time we see only four of my angels standing on stage. for four months, i was worried sick about another member, and i even knew he was hurting, that his mental illness was real. my heart aches and there is a piece of it missing, but it will never be replaced. i know you are much happier now, jjong. i love you. 

- and also because of that, i have been able to think a lot about how i live my life. thoughts like ‘am i watching out for my family and friends enough?’ ‘am i listening enough?’ ‘is this funny comment worth it?’ ‘am i happy?’ im trying to be better. to not take things for granted, to only be kind, to always be there for those i love, for those who love me. and i will try my hardest to not complain about small or petty inconveniences. to try harder to be optimistic. 

- christmas was with my whole family for the first time in five years ;;; she was such a cute girl!

and now on to the next act !!!! its called RILEY’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS !!!!!!!!!! 

1. lets start with the basic stuff that im 99% not gonna pull through on: keep ur room clean. keep everywhere u go clean, it makes mom upset. eat better, u know there is other foods in this house besides peanut butter and pepperoni and popcorn. 

2. send out at least one Lovely Ask per day. i made this goal sometime over the summer, and i did it for a few months until i started to forget ;; its not that hard, u just gotta remember to do it !! 

3. sis.....quit Procrastinating.......GET ur FREAKING application done...do ur homework the night before lmao! call who u need to !!! write those thank u cards!!!! go get them scholarships!!!! enter that graphic design contest lmao!!! just DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! time is wasting

4. just be happy 

[moodymurda]

shanemundi forever and ever

tw: mention of death

i knew i was going to want to come here for this but i kept putting it off.  thinking about this and everything else it makes me think about hurts so bad. i honestly don’t know where to fucking start. idk. I’m going to try.

so shanemundi. my fucking niggas. my fucking family. my babies. all that shit. shanemundi is what the fans of the shane show are called. (i write this shit like someone reads it, no one reads this shit. download the shane show app tho. they’re also on the podcasts shit if you have an iPhone.) i became aware of who shane was and then the show obviously like mid 2015 thru being subscribed to golf media and listening to golf radio on dash. (for some reason tho i didn’t realize that there was a whole ass community of fans and shit on twitter until 2016. i truly do not know how i had no clue fr. i deadass live on fucking twitter). but anyways, the shane show quickly became one of the most important things in my life. it became something that got me through the day. i’d listen to the live show and then re listen throughout the day whenever i felt like i needed to. even then tho, i don’t think i realized just how much that show was going to mean to me. I’m just thinking back to the headspace i was in in 2015, i would not be able to comprehend what the fuck happened. i wouldn’t believe this shit.

so anyways like i said, i realized there was a whole ass community of fans on twitter in 2016. i followed a couple people, i really wish i could remember who i followed first and all that. i know it happened around the time where everyone was taking over the shane show snap. i know my takeover was march 7th, 2016. It’s crazy that I was sitting last night and realizing i dead remember that day. like i rememberrrrr that shit, i remember what i did that day and how nervous i was when dc dm’d me the password for the snap bc i was 100% sure my snap takeover was bout to be weak as FUCK. anyways. I remember ru had quoted my tweet and said something along the lines of “i enjoyed your takeover” or something. i remember some of the replies people sent to my snaps and shit. and a couple people dm’d me bout some shit i was talking about on snap, saying they could relate and shit. anyway. I’m all over the fucking place. but recalling this shit is, fuck i don’t know. it’s just like we were innocently just encouraging each other while basically being fucking strangers. we just knew for sure that the shane show and OF were two things we had in common. fuck the fact that that shit is damn near the foundation for all this shit is fuccking crazy.

anyways. we have a twitter group chat for the show now. i am so assy at timelines bruh i can not remember how shit happened i just know what the fuck happened. other shit happened between there but imma make this shit short and sweet so I’m skipping to the twitter gc. i think it got started early 2017. i know it was after cfg 2016 had already happened. it was so that anyone could be in the chat and it wasn’t about like who’s s100 and who isn’t and shit (I’m not going into explanations about what the shane 100 is rn. i don’t have the time i got too many thoughts flowing rn and i gotta get these bitches out. I’m already bad with words and this shit probably don’t make sense already). anyways by this time i had already bonded with some people but honestly the bonds i had grew stronger after this chat was made and i gained some new ones. the chat is a fucking mess to say the least. i say that in the most loving way possible. so many disagreements have gone down in that bitch. full out arguments. so much shade (yassss honey i LIVE!!!!). but one thing you can’t question is how much we all love each other. i really grew to love everyone like family. like i was talking to my mom today about me graduating next yr & my grad party. deadass my main concern was who would be able to make it and how much i just want my friends to be there. I’m thinking about it and i’ve dead talked to these niggas damn near everyday. that shit is fucking crazy. i traveled alone for the first time and i did it with them. fuck. thats crazy thats fucking crazy.

but yea anyways. i guess i gotta get to what i’ve been avoiding now. so a lil while ago someone had added ru back to our chat. now that I’m thinking about it i don’t remember when he left or for what reason. everyone was like “where have you been” etc etc but he never responded. thinking back on it I’m wondering why i didn’t think anything of him not responding to us…. anyway. last night lost came in the chat and was like he hadn’t realized ru was “gone”. when he said gone my first thought was “fuck do you mean we just added him back to the chat”. and i checked to see that he was in fact in the chat. and then i looked at his twitter account and realized his last tweet was december 15th i think. then i started to reconsider exactly what lost meant by “gone”. like “fuck does he mean gone like gone gone” i don’t know bruh. i didn’t want to believe that he meant gone like.. ya know. and i don’t know. i didn’t reply to the chat when i saw it because i just.. i don’t know i don’t know i do not know. i can’t remember who asked what he meant. he sent an article though and the article had a video of a news report attached to it. which i put off watching because i felt like if i didn’t hear it then it wasn’t real. i watched my friends be like “wtf” “is this real” etc in the chat but i was just like nah this can not be for real right now.

i haven’t had to deal with the death of someone that i knew a whole lot yet. the first death of someone in my family that i actually knew and was close to was november 2016. that shit was rough as fuck for me because it was the first ya know. for some reason i thought that the next time i had to deal with it, maybe i wouldn’t take it as hard. boy was i fucking wrong. the thing about death that i guess I’m not understanding is that it’s final and that it kinda just creeps up on you. whatever all of our (meaning shanemundi) last encounters/conversations with ru were, we didn’t know that would be the last one. shit he didn’t know either. makes me wonder like what if, what if niggas knew ahead of time ya know? maybe we (as people. like society) would appreciate shit more. idk. anyway. one part thats super hard for me is that we found out damn near a month later. i guess thats the trouble with internet friends. the only way we know whats going on with each other is when we decide to get on our phones and post some shit. and truly i be checking for my internet friends on social media more than my local friends because they’re less accessible to me and I’m a mom friend at heart. i need to know how everyone is doing. (hi friends if you are reading this. i stalk all of you. like i be seeing all y’all’s tweets and snaps and shit. i love y’all okay. anyway)

ru was probably one of the most dedicated fans to the show. he had a whole ass meme account where he made meme’s related to episodes of the show. that was highkey something i looked forward to, seeing what meme’s he’d make. he was a fucking witness for the world record show. (s/o shane & vanger. they fucking killed that shit. also s/o all my other friends who were witnesses). he went to vanger’s games to support him like.. so much shit. fuck. I’m sure he made sure everyone around him knew about the show. he shit on my music opinions a lot to fuck with me. and he’d always tell me nas was better than jay (nas was his fav, jay is mine.. so you know how that goes) that shit used to be so funny. fuck man.

i feel like at this age a lot of us feel kind of invincible. i truly don’t realize that any day could be my last.. whats going to stop me ya know? i’m 20, i’ve barely gotten to live yet. I do what I’m supposed to, what could possibly go wrong? i didn’t realize that was my mindset until shane kind of said it on the show today. life truly is so precious and we don’t ever sit back and realize that. on top of that, we impact others lives so much with out even knowing it. the HARDEST part about this for me is not my own sadness but knowing that my friends are hurting. Seeing everyone reminiscing in the chat and on the timeline just makes me think did ru KNOW. did he know how much he meant to everyone? and do we realize how much we all mean to one another? There have been times where i’ve felt down & I didn’t bring it up to anyone because I’m not always up to talk about how i feel. But somehow one of them said something in the chat that inspired me, or simply made me laugh & realize whatever was wrong wasn’t THAT big of a deal.

i don’t entirely know what i’m trying to say here because i’m feeling so many things at once. what i do know is that we should all cherish our lives and make the most of it. we should also cherish and love one another because friends/family is all we’ve got. to this day it still amazes me that the shane show brought all of us together. i gained close ass friends from having a fucking radio show in common. HOW THE FUCK.

Rest in peace Ru. Thank you so much for being a friend to all of us, I’m glad to have known you. If any of my friends are reading this, I’ve said it a million times already at this point but I love all of you so much. I hope that you all keep growing and learning and prospering. You can literally have whatever the fuck you want in this world. You guys are deadass the coolest group of people I’ve ever met and I’m so inspired by all of you in different ways. I'm not just saying that, I'm deadass. Shanemundi for fucking ever. I can’t wait until i get to see and hug all of you again.

[assthetic-angel]

2017

I have learned a lot in 2017, about life, myself, and others. I have been through a lot. I want to write it down to let it go. I don’t want to forget or deny, but shift my focus towards the future by laying out the past year, processing some things that may have been pushed to the back burner, and reflecting on everything.

At the beginning of the year things were okay. I was still recovering from being hospitalized in October as well as constantly moving back and forth between my boyfriend’s and my parents’ place, and the toll that had taken on my life and my relationships with my boyfriend, family and friends. I was working for Time Warner Cable, and had been for about a month. But shortly after the start of January, I quit after being publicly humiliated at work. I wasn’t on good medication, I was in a  fragile place with nonexistent self esteem and I was very unstable. In hindsight the incident probably wasn’t that bad, but I still feel it was uncalled for and at the time it broke me. My boyfriend at the time, who I was living with, was also unemployed. The relationship was toxic and continued to spiral downward until the end of February when he kicked me out after a fight. 

I was miserable and the relationship was fucked up beyond all repair, but it still destroyed me. We had been together for a year and a half. I was a wreck. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had to move back home with my parents for the umpteenth time. It was okay for probably a week before my parents went crazy and started trying to control my life and make me miserable. I know their intentions were good and they were just trying to help, but their methods were atrocious and traumatizing. They forced all these rules on me like I was some kind of learning disabled 5 year old and forced me to sign a contract saying I would do all this ridiculous bullshit. And if I didn’t, they were going to hike my rent way up, and I had no means of income at the time. My “rent” was paid through me doing work around the house. I had no problem with that, but if I made any mistakes such as forgetting a glass in my room, or forgetting to turn a light off or some other stupid, minuscule thing like that, even once, they were going to hike my rent up. And I had to work a lot to make sure my rent was paid, because they only gave me so much money for a certain task, but it wasn’t much, and there’s only so much that can be done. I had a curfew, even though I was 21, and at one point my mom tried to force me to take some idiotic life class. I refused. 

Living with all of that was difficult, and my relationship with my parents at the time was awful and my life was effectively a living hell. It became even worse in March when things came to blows after I fucked up. I had stolen some money from my mom (about $60) which I am NOT justifying, it was wrong, and I lied to her about it which made the situation worse, but her reaction was also bad. I’m not upset with the fact that she was mad at me and upset, but she flipped absolute shit, over a small amount of money. She disowned me, called me names such as a heathen and degenerate, said everyone in the family thought I was a drug addict and I lied about being sexually assaulted a few weeks earlier to make them feel bad. And it was extremely difficult for me to tell my parents, who halfway, subtly blamed me for what had happened. I was afraid that they wouldn’t believe me or use it against me later, which is exactly what my mom did. She then threatened that if I didn’t get literally everything off my bedroom floor by the time she got off work she was going to trash all my belongings. At the time, I still had a lot of unpacked boxes and such that I had had to bring back from my ex’s. I didn’t have a lot of time to do any of this and was busting my ass all day. Thankfully she came around a little and gave me till the end of the night but it was still very difficult and stressful and I was an absolute mess, as usual.

It took a lot of time for my parents and I to get along again after that. This whole time, of course, I’m still dealing with my ex who I was obsessed with and trying to constantly get back. At the same time, my ex’s step father was dying of multiple cancers. Despite what had happened I still cared for his family because we had been close. My parents were pressuring me to get a job, and I started applying in April. I was trying very hard to get back in my parents’ good graces and recover from everything. I applied for a summer job at a company, and I had done their summer job program for the past three summers, but in 2016 had some issues towards the end so I wasn’t sure if they would take me back or not. They did hire me again, which placated my parents a bit, but instead of working at the office headquarters they were sending me to the manufacturing plant. My ex’s stepfather passed in May, and at the end of the month I started my job.

I was initially disappointed that I had to work at the factory but still thankful that I had a job. I thought it was good news, but my mom who was always unhappy with me wasn’t satisfied at first. I went to talk to her about it one day and she ended up flipping shit on me saying that I was going to hate the job, that this was going to be the worst summer of my life and it was my fault because they didn’t want me back at the plaza. As if I didn’t know they hated me there and was negative towards myself enough already. So I decided that it was going to be the best summer of my life, even if just to spite her. 

The job wasn’t actually that bad, and throughout the summer my mother finally started to come around and we were actually able to work on our relationship. In June though, that’s when my life changed and things really started to turn around. One day at work, while talking to my friend Jessica, this other kid came over in the morning and started talking to us. He and Jessica knew each other, but I didn’t know shit, I hadn’t even been working there that long. Little did I know this would be the love of my life (I know it’s cliche). We started talking, had common interests, and decided to hang out sometime.

Our first date was good but really awkward at times. We had fun and talked about a lot of things, we were supposed to see a movie but ended up just walking around together talking about stuff. I had a good time hanging out, but at the time really wasn’t looking for romance or a relationship, so I was a little ambivalent towards the end. He wanted to hold my hand, wanted to kiss me. I was awkward and so was the kiss, and I ended up texting my friend to help get me out of the situation and used some bullshit excuse to run away. At that point in time, I had no intentions of dating him and wasn’t even sure if I wanted to hang out anymore. 

But I decided to give him another chance, and our second date was a fucking blast. We took his motorcycle to the mall, I bought lots of cool stuff and we went to an arcade and played lots of stupid games together and had lots of fun. Soon, we were hanging out just about every day, even though he worked 3rd shift and I was on 1st. It really was the best summer of my life. I had never met someone so sweet and patient, funny and weird and a little bit crazy, but insightful and kind, and a lot like me. I had never been treated so well before. I wasn’t looking for love, but boy did it find me.

At the end of summer I worked towards getting hired on officially at work, going for a position on third shift which he helped me to get, and which made things a lot easier since we were on the same schedule then. Right before I switched over to 3rd shift, I had to have a surgery done because I was constantly in pain and they didn’t know why. They thought it was my kidney (because it is a little fucked up) but the pain never got better, the surgery basically did nothing. They still don’t know what’s wrong with me, and the pain hasn’t been as bad recently, but that’s an ongoing thing. Around the same time, things started to come to a head with my boyfriend’s dad and step mom (who is a ROYAL fucking cunt) when they were trying to hike his rent up for no actual reason, even though they treated him like shit at the house anyways. They tried to raise his rent to $700 a month, but they had already basically made him a prisoner in his room, excluded him from everything else the family and his siblings did, flipped shit if he ever tried to use to kitchen, wouldn’t even let him keep food in the kitchen, which resulted in him having to constantly spend money on fast food, and did nothing but fuck him over. He could hardly even sleep there because his step mom doesn’t know how to get off her fat lazy ass and control her stupid, pathetic, psychotic children. So instead of paying $700 a month to be treated like garbage, he ended up moving in with his actual mom, who wasn’t going to charge him any rent at all. The only issue was that she lived kind of out of the way. 

Once he moved there, I was with him almost every day because we would carpool a lot. We were working on trying to find our own place, so we were hoping he wouldn’t have to be there too long. Work was going well and things were good and almost kind of stable. In November, we managed to find ourselves an apartment. But about two weeks before we were going to move, his mom decided she wanted to move. She rents houses, and wanted to rent out a better one in the same city. It was just inconvenient because we had to pack up and move all my boyfriend’s things again, which weren’t even unpacked from the first move to his mom’s because his room was so small, just to move them again in a couple weeks. But we did it, at the tail end of November we got moved into our apartment, I got my precious cat back (she was staying at a friend’s bc I couldn’t have her at my parents’ house), and we then had a lovely Christmas together. 

My mental health has been up and down, and we encounter lots of problems. Things seem to fuck up left and right, but I guess that’s just life. Despite all the little problems and setbacks, at the end of the day this is the big picture. And the big picture is looking bright. 

Now, I’m going back to school in a couple weeks and I’m going to finish getting my degree. My boyfriend’s career is going well at work and he’ll hopefully be getting a nice promotion soon. I get to go back to a somewhat normal schedule soon, and hopefully my boyfriend can score a good position on first shift. 

At the end of the day, I have to remember to have hope. Things are better than they ever were before. I just wish my mental health would stop making me forget that. But I’m going to try as hard as I can.

[notfye]

Tag Game?? Tag Game

Thank you to the lovely @raven2460 for tagging me!!

Fair warning, this is a very long and somewhat depressing post, but if I tagged you, you don’t have to read the whole thing, you can just move on to doing your own :)

Fill the categories and tag some people you want to get to know better!

Appearance:

5’3”

Longish slightly curly hair

White

Brown eyes that I lovingly call dirt colored

brown hair

Chubby? I guess? I’m working on it lol

Also a rather large chest bc of that

Uhhh I have a genetic mutation where I have 2 rows of eyelashes instead of one, double the amount gets in my eyes

I only wear overly large clothing bc I am uncomfortable possessing a human form or I wear dresses w tights bc I’m a fancy motherfucker and there is absolutely no in between

Ponytails like 90% of the time

Personality:

I don’t dislike people but. High school is making me lose my faith in them.

I’m president of my school’s drama club

Also for a theater kid I am very not affectionate and I actually was touch starved for like? A while? And I didn’t fucking notice until I got friends who like? Actually hugged me? The fuck?

“God bless the book people, for having words instead of friends.”

I have more “”””””masculine””””” traits than “”””feminine””””” ones to the point where I have A LOT of trouble relating to girls and it’s quite awful lmao

Uhh I project everything onto fictional characters (See: The problems Marius will be facing in She Lit a Fire (depression))

I’m cold all the time

I long after the dark academia/boarding school aesthetic

I cry far more than probably fits with the rest of me

Self destructive tendencies

I like everything so I can’t pick my favorite (singing history English acting chemistry biology reading algebra French classics writing the list goes on and on)

Ability:

I read really fast

I write, draw, and sing

Not gonna lie to y’all I really am one of those theater kids who want to be on broadway more than like, anything else

Knowing an absurd amount about weird historical things

I like to think I can draw hands well

I can memorize quotes (and other things) really fast

I’m really good at being a slacker

Hobbies:

Singing

Drama club stuff

Reading

Writing

Drawing

Experiences:

Uhhhh my life’s boring let’s move on

My life:

Alright only important shit

2009: bane of my public school’s existence. Also I used to have rlly bad insomnia around this time and I would see demons in the middle of the night and I believe that has shaped me as a person (lmao but I wasn’t sleep paralysis cause I could still move around so? Idk mate)

2010 : My second grade teacher was a bitch and she hated me, I continued to be the bane of my public school’s existence

2011: 3rd grade I remember as a v good year, I got sent to the principal for calling a girl a, and I quote, “a bleep”

2012: Wanted to kill myself for the first time ever, for like 6 months probably, yay intrusive thoughts

2012/2013: got sent to an all girls private school, made my middle school experience more hellish than it needed to be, bc again, I can’t seem to make friends with girls, but whatever

But I met my best friend there so? It was worth it lets be real

2014: middle school continues to be sucky

2014/2015: ah, 7th grade, the year when I saw the grade on my math final and broke down crying. Also the year I started slash shipping, truly a step forward. Also the fault of my best friend.

Remainder of 2015: Very anxious! All the time! Switched to a new school! Didn’t know how to function with people! Made a friend group that I think about an awful lot! There was so much drama! I procrastinated on everything and was so worried about getting a repeat of 2012 that I basically worried myself into being anxious all the time and having such a hard time. Still, I’ve been reminiscing about it a lot lately? Idk

Beginning of 2016: still couldn’t rlly human right, I listened to so much Bastille and watched a lot of elentori streams, as I had been doing, probably until gravity falls ended? Idk. Swore to myself that I’d start working towards better grades after February break. Did that. Made myself stop reblogging and liking posts about anxiety & depression and stuff that were harmful. Did that too. Eventually stopped procrastinating so much around May. Went to Delaware. Fell in love with the ocean.

End of 2016: I kind of? Got it together. Learned how to human. Got some friends, started doing drama club stuff, had a rather charmed life for about six months. I also started keeping a journal around this time.

2017: Hell Year I cannot wait to see it die. I made some friends and I really fell very hard for a guy and it was good until about June, when the guy had to go back to where he was actually from (he’d been an exchange student) and I was left fairly isolated for 3 months, because again, bad at making friends. I didn’t do as much work as I had wanted to over the summer and I think perhaps if I had it might have been easier to get back up again. At the beginning of the school year I was bullied and the school had to get involved and it was a rather large mess, and I just hadn’t been feeling very well. I kinda. I mean this is all very emotional for a tag game but it became clear eventually that that guy wasn’t nearly as good of a man as I thought he was and that he kind of led me on for a while and it’s a very long story that I can explain if anyone is curious but the point is that, at the end of this, I feel as though I have lost a large amount of time to him and that I was “asleep” until about November and it was just very very awful for a long time and I’m still kind of seething over it. And I know that I’m much different now than I was before this started and that bothers me a bit because I’ve not only been robbed of my time but also like, the girl I was before all this. Frankly, I often wonder if things would have been better if we’d simply never been friends.

But. The point is that I’m getting better. I’m in a better place now than I was a few months ago. And that’s good.

Relationship: lonely soul

tagging : @eponineinthebarricade @bisexual-eponine @grantaireswinebottles @actualbuckybames @marius-pintmorcy I’m sorry you all had to read that depressing long thing hahaha

[hankeliza]

Hate to be cliche, but here goes.

This decade has been some shit. 2010. Best year of my life. I’m 17, I have my soul mate and best friend every single day of my life. No bills and making way too much money. I got the love of my life, Rome. I am so cool in my mind and just life was fucking GREAT. I met corbin that year and I was legit in absolute bliss.

Feb 2012 my best friend moves to fl and that was so great but I am in absolute shambles. I am lost I am unhappy. This is where it all goes wrong and only now, 8 years later do I realize the codependency issues I had with jenna. I fucking loved that chick from the depths of my goddamn soul, we could speak and make decisions and plans with just locking eyes for a blink of a second. So bc I am sad, lost and unable to make sense of my selfish and immature feelings, I take it out on her and a whole slough of klonopin. Corbin and I are doing bad and this is when it should’ve ended.

April 2012 (hah time is funny af) I do some shady shit, but not to the magnitude it was portrayed. Life moves on and I get back with corbin. This is my new person to rely on. I need him bc he stuck thru it with me and gained my whole hearted trust that he loves me, even when ugly and I love him through all of his ugly. We are ugly and we are in love and nothing in the world matters to me anymore besides him.

Oct 2012 I finally am ready to move outta stc. But corbins with me. I beg and beg and beg to please go to Tampa but nah, we go to Miami. It’ll be easier, Adam will take us in. He still is this big mature, always with it guy, I don’t know him, that’s why. We get there, nothing much to even talk about. Great times but eh. Leavin it at that. Shit happens and we get out of dodge like some fuckin thief’s in the night. Drive two days to portland. I won’t get into all the beautiful shit I saw bc that’ll take too long but, here we are.

I live with a naked hippie that is actually psychotic and oh, later on turns out she’s making us pay for a house SHE IS SQUATTING IN. But anyway, things happened (again adam) and we move to the city city. Won’t even get in to the shit that transpired there, but now I’m moving back home.

Feb 2013 (wow really seeing some timelines matching up of my most unpleasant times of my life?!¿¡) so I’m back home. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat. I think I weighed 110 while standing 5’8. My dads on parole, only time I see sunlight is when he needs to meet with his PO. Nicole nurtures me and literally does everything in her power to make me be better, but I am not ready to feel happiness or bond with any other human. I am not ready to move on or up or out. I am stuck. Corbin moves home. Ahhh yes. My safety blanket is back and I can be happy again (hahahah)

So in the meantime while I was sad Nicole and I are partying, late nights to meijer and rite aid, getting high and snacks and shit is just fucking awesome. She meets the love of her life and he takes her and even me in to his whole friend crowd and I am HAPPY and feel bliss again. I have friends? Imagine that. They fall madly in love and then heh, they move. Well shit. Now mind you I have totally capability to see them whenever I please bc Nicole is an open door policy. But truly I’m lazy, I like convenience and still wrapped up in my own stupid bitchass, (that I can now see, but then couldn’t) and it’s back to corbin and I.

So now it’s getting close to end of 2013 and all I pretty much do is spend every waking moment with corbin. I don’t mean to make that sound so awful, then I loved it. Now, it’s all so bleak.

2014 hits. I’m in and out of jobs. Corbin and I live off of pop can returns. I’m still 21 so like, none of that mattered and I didn’t care about a future. He gets a job and I finally get into the courthouse. We start doing ~molly~ heavy. Locking ourselves in a bedroom from Friday-Sunday. Every weekend. When you hear “ecstasy/drugs ruined my sex life” from older people, you don’t really know what to make of that. When I tell you drugs ruined our sex life and our likeness for each other, now I fucking get it. I stopped smoking weed 24/7 bc I was paranoid of losing my job. Not much more to that year or 2015 than chemical pills and being locked in a room and outdoor adventures with my dog.

2016, I finally convince corbin to {for the love of god} attempt to get his license back (which he did, and then ruined again, but that comes later) so we’re really making moves, honestly for us we were doing shit. We had a marker board calendar AND meeting our goals/deadlines !!! His dad gets oxys, and we’ve been borrowing his Vicodin for idk, a year or 3 at this point. This is kinda when things get fuzzy. But oxys come and got damn do they feel good. But only recreational. It wasn’t serious then.

Corbin gets prescribed adderall. Not much more we need to dive in to with that jazz but oxys and addies were all we ate until about the end of 2017. Pills are gone. Let’s fucking driiiiink.

2018

So I developed an alcohol issue at this point. Still battling it to this day. But I don’t really remember much. Did some cool shit, went to Europe. Met a girl that I’ve never loved kissing more. She was nuts. I moved out of our apartment we got together and back home, re-up w/ Rickey, we have fun. He cheats on me with the girl he got pregnant and neglected (they’re engaged now, congrats guys) I’m completely broken and alone because at this point i have managed to push every waking soul away from me and experience the weirdest fucking shit ever that I can only explain as spiritual, or maybe it was satanic. It burned and hurt and scared the ballsacks out of me. Can’t kill your self if you’re a pussy, turns out.

I spent this whole year trying to find friends, wrong crowd. I developed a relationship with a coworker who still to this day has my heart and soul and I love him and will always hope the best. He is the greatest comfort I had but it was only ever from 5pm - until we finished having drinks and sex and then back to being alone. I even confessed my confused love for him and he set me straight. He showed me more about being strong than anyone ever. I love you D.

The end of September I finally meet up with a dude I can’t take my damn eyeballs off for years. I finally mustered up the courage after making excuses for about 2 weeks why I couldnt meet up with him. So I come over. It’s raining so hard. I couldn’t find his house. I just wanted the god damn dick, and go home. He didn’t let that happen.

We see one another mainly every single day except Wednesday’s because he has plans that day every week. I tried my hardest to ghost him multiple times but he didn’t let that happen either. We are both drinking a lot because we are both sad but our company really really reaaaally made up for the sadness. He is the funniest person I’ve ever met and I think he thought that about me too.

November 21st comes and he is being weird and I am constantly nervous around him so I get weird bc I think I did something or he’s gonna tell me to go home, I didn’t know. He finally says he wants to be my man, like full time man. I have a bf? I don’t want one but something about you is fckin freaky you beautiful boy. Everything is coming together.

And here we go: December 21. 1 month is all it took to mess it up.

Leaving my work party, ironically after getting all of my drinks bought for me :) , I go to jail. Jail was not as bad as I expected. I was a good criminal so I got to sit in a different room w/ a tv until shift change. Oh and ! my high school classmate was a worker there so that was neat ! (jesuschrist) anyway; dont have Laynes number memorized, my family and I just watched my grandpa die, gasping for air 10 day prior. Can’t call my mom. Scared to call my dad (who was the nicest of anyone) soooooo corbin it is. I dealt with his jail problems time after time so, his turn I guess.

Welp it’s 2019. Not much to say. Layne stuck through all of it with me and I have no fucking clue why. Got a therapist. Stopped drinking whiskey completely. Bought a vacuum and couch. Live with my way too supportive boyfriend. My family fucking loves him. I am .... growing ? stronger ? mentally ? as every day passes ? because of him ? He teaches me so much about moving on, life and just thinking before doing. Life ain’t that serious. I love you Layne. I completely do. I started alcohol classes and I went in with such a shitty attitude, like I’m better than everyone? (Been my issue for, forever) I fucking love my group sessions. I am for once not alone with the unpopular shit I struggle with. Addiction is so real and I always thought it was a stupid ass excuse for being lazy but hahhhhhh karma loves me.

I’ve been struggling so hard with jenna. I have talked to a handful of people and most have said it’s been blown out of proportion but, don’t hurt your friends. I finally fucking wrapped it up when I got ahold of her, tried to anyway, before Christmas. I explained a lot, now that I’ve had years to sit back and reflect on myself and my bullshit and I can’t blame her (side bar: she still didn’t care lol.) But I am fuckin over it. My feelings got hurt to absolute fuck about some things and instead of being mature, I fucked her over, because I felt fucked over. But I’m sorry, I did that, I take responsibility and best wishes forever but an anvil weight has finally been lifted off my chest and I feel like I can finally move the fuck on and it’s such a great feeling to get rid of something that’s been eating me alive.

So basically, the last two years ate me the fuck alive. This year I meditated on shit. We will see how 2020 goes but I am ready considering what I’ve done to myself, been through and I still am fucking alive and trying. Being a human is dumb but it’s aight sometimes. Getting better. Good luck y’all.

[minor-anti]

i wasn’t going to do this. i really wasn’t. but apparently i need to tell the entirety of this hellsite about my trauma in order for my opinions to be valid, so here we are. the reason why i'm a big filthy anti and why i'm against harmful age gaps in relationships.

under a read more, bc fuck is this gonna be long. tw for csa (specifically cocsa), emotional and verbal abuse, unhealthy & abusive relationships, manipulation, and cg/l

this whole ordeal started around two years ago, december of 2015. i had just turned 12, entered middle school earlier that year, and was completely miserable; one of my supposed "friends" had outed me as lgbt to my entire school, which was quite the problem seeing as i live in small town, bible belt georgia. this was also the year mental illness really started hitting me and i was questioning my identity (both gender and sexuality), so my life was just kind of a mess.

2015 was also the year i got into anime - more specifically hetalia, at the advice of one of my irl friends who loved the series. i even had a fan account on instagram, despite being 12, and that was how i came to know the aph rarepair kik gc.

the aph community on ig was kinda small at the time; the rarepair community was even smaller. i'm talking about ships that had less than 100 posts in their tags... which was really saying something since people often spammed tags. through one of these tags i met, and eventually became friends with, a user (lets call them ku) who invited me to join their aph group chat, filled with people who also shipped rarepairs. ecstatic at the prospect of new friends, i accepted.

this gc had about 20 or so members, ranging from 12 years old (me and two other members, i believe) to 18 years old. i was friends with all of them, but one in particular i hit it off with right away - a 15yo girl we'll refer to as ln, since her name is actually a trigger for me now.

we went from just being friends and talking in the gc to dming every single day. i felt as if i'd known her forever, and i'd had internet friends before (usually on forums made for children though) so i didn't feel the need to be suspicious. ln praised me for being intelligent and how i was much more mature than most people my age - an obvious red flag now.

eventually, in early february, she asked if i'd be okay being in a relationship with her, and my naive 12yo self said yes.

another activity ln enjoyed was roleplaying - and since we tended to like the same ships, i was her rp partner. eventually, even though i wasn't completely comfortable with it, they became sexual.

things really started to go sour in may. that was when i found out that ln had actually already been in a relationship when i started dating her, and that her (other) gf had broken up with her. she blamed me for it, and left me.

it's also important to mention that at this point she was slowly isolating me from my other friends in the gc. she was always picking a fight with the other members, especially the admins, which usually caused her to get kicked for a day or so. i'd always defend her, though, no matter what.

i've always had dependency issues; i rely on people for positive attention, and if i don't get it i can't function normally. i don't know why, it's just how i am. so when she left me, i broke. i cried and sobbed and begged for her to not leave me, because i needed her, i needed someone to help me function like a normal human being. i told her i was sorry i'd ruined her relationship, how selfish i was and how i'd never be able to fix it. she even ghosted me for a few days, and eventually said that sure, she forgave me.

until late august 2016 we were on and off. she'd leave, then come back, leave, then come back. it was supposedly because she was still upset over her breakup, and even though it wasn't my fault, i felt bad and said that i understood.

during the times that we were together, though, it was hell. the summer of 2016 was by far the worst one i have ever experienced. she constantly berated me, made fun of my dependence on her, and even questioned me if the things i'd done were real or if i just imagined doing them - which really hits home now because i'm kind of struggling with that exact issue rn.

eventually ln was kicked out of the group chat for her behavior and convinced one of the admins i'd been involved (even though i'd been at summer camp at the time of the final incident), causing me to also be kicked out and losing me a dear group of friends.

ln also continued to be extremely sexual with me, despite my obvious discomfort. i'll just say it up front: she was into cg/l. i still have a very vivid experience of her asking me to call her "mommy". at one point she even talked me into sending nudes, and wrote about how she wanted to have sex with me. looking back i know that these are all awful but i guess at the time i just didnt process it.

and yes, i was still 12.

finally, in late august, i found out that once again, she had been cheating. she was dating a 13yo. when i heard the news, i shattered. the one person i still had, the one i thought i could completely trust, had been lying to me. when i confronted her, she absolutel flipped told me how i was a nutcase, how nobody would ever love me because i was such a burden, said i was a freak that belonged in a hospital.

she even went so far as to harass and stalk me on other social media, causing me to effectively abandon my remaining ig accounts. (i briefly ran an aesthetics account under a different name before getting into yoi)

the last time we talked was january 2017, when she tried to talk to me on kik one last time and i blocked her. for good.

so that's why i'm an anti. because i was taken advantage of someone who was also a minor, but in a position of power over me. we won't even get into the fact that she was an avid pedo (i'm talking about 13yos and 30yos kinda shit) & incest shipper, and when i initially told her i was uncomfortable with those and they grossed me out - because i was, i literally started out as an anti - she told me it was okay because it was just fiction.

i want to keep people safe. that's why i'm here, that's why i opened this goddamn blog. i want minors to have a voice, to prevent what happened to me from happening to others. and maybe, yes, i can be a dick about it and maybe, yes, what happened was also mostly my fault - i still think it's at least somewhat justified.

[cryingovernarry]

i realized i never actually never share anything about me on this website, like, i never really write about stuff thats happened/is happening in my life or about stuff i like and whatever. and like. im the type who’s great at oversharing (shitposting) lmao but apparently never on tumblr i guess?? its not important but yeah i just realized it. ive had this account since april 2012 i think? never made any friends on here tbh i just exist in the background quietly liking or reblogging stuff, and never do anymore than that. and no one will actually care or read this so MIGHT AS WELL am i right ladies and gents and non-binary friends. so heres some good and shitty stuff thats happened in my life

2017 was a good concert year for me i think (please bear with me ive got bad memory) (thx depression) i finally saw ed sheeran (one of the best concerts ive been to even if the people next to us kept talking throughout the whole concert) then i saw shawn mendes (hes baby) i went and saw little mix all by myself (snatched that barricade too!!) it was incredible and i miss them. i was lucky enough to see niall and harry too on their tours and ill never get over that. oh, and niall retweeted one of my tweets so thats something. (im trying to play it cool bc its been over two years it Should Not make me Feel Like This anymore right) i also went to germany in 2016 on december 31st to celebrate new years with my friend who i met through the internet (thanks internet) and i stayed there for a week (shouldve known itd go all downhill after that)

so, while concert-life was on top, my personal life was at bottom and it would only get worse in 2018. 

early 2017 my mom started to feel...sick. her body was hurting all the time. she was in so much pain without knowing why. apparently she had some kind of rare blood disease. it all went so...fast. suddenly she was in and out of hospitals, she got worse, the pain even more worse. some days she could barely walk and all she could do was cry. it’s horrible seeing your own mom like that. knowing there was nothing you could do. i did my best though, i moved back home to help her with my siblings becuase their father is a piece of shit who never helped my mom even if she was sick. she was at her lowest and he didnt care and he only made her worse. but i took on the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings, and mom. as much as i could. while my older sister came home almost every weekend so she could help too. our grandma did her best too. we all tried so much to help mom. 

in september my mom called from the hospital. she told me her disease has turned into leukemia. this was the first time i cried with my mom. 

she did all kinds of chemo, got isolated at the hospital. wasn’t allowed to go out or sometimes even see her own kids. my sister and i took turns staying with her at the hospital though. i think the longest i stayed with her at the hospital was two weeks straight. 

when the results of her last chemo came back the doctor said the cancer hadnt gone down as much as they had hoped. they said my mom could do one last chemo but that was it, if the cancer wasnt gone after that there would be nothing more they could do to help my mom. because her body wouldnt be able to handle anymore. my mom was a fucking fighter, she had no hesitation about it. 

she was allowed to come home for christmas and the new years. no one knew it would be our last one with her. 

it turned into 2018 and she handled her last chemo pretty well. didnt affect her as much as the others had. she was allowed to come home for the weekend in february. she was so happy to see her kids again. she felt good. but she wasn’t. she really wasn’t. i think that weekend was the worst in my life. 

on march 20th, 2018. after a month of being in a coma, she passed away in her sleep. my wonderful mom, who fought to get better for her kids, who had been suffering for a year, finally got to rest. she wasn’t in pain anymore. 

seeing your mom taking her last breath really fucks you up in some type of way. 

she left six kids behind her. 

my mom always supported me going to concerts. she’s a big music fan herself and she knew how much going to concerts meant to me. always got excited when i told her about them, always listened to me. always listened when i played her new songs or albums. two days before her passing i saw harry styles in concert, tickets bought months before. i wasn’t sure i was even going, but i knew mom would’ve wanted to so i did. i wasn’t at my best during that concert, sat down for most of it but i cannot explain how much seeing harry meant to me. he really helped me feeling better for some hours, made me laugh and smile. i’ll always be grateful for that.  a month after my moms passing i had tickets for another concert, that was for niall horan. i really didn’t think i would be able to handle it, but i did it for mom. knew she would’ve wanted me to go. my friend was a great distraction, and we also met some lovely people in the line and i was so grateful. i will always be thankful for niall, even if he made me cry during flicker. he really helped me too, without knowing. saw 5sos too after three years at the end of the year, with my childhood best friend who i hadn’t seen in over a year. concerts really is the best medicine. at least for me.

i felt so lost without my mom, i still feel that way. some days i have a hard time believing she’s actually gone. your mom isn’t supposed to die when your’re twenty one. she’s supposed to be there next to you while you’re trying to figure out your life. 

i’m gonna be honest with you, i don’t really remember most of 2018. and i don’t think i actually want to remember either. 

2019 has been slightly better so far. saw disney on ice (incredible). in april we finally went to london. something my mom had always wanted too, so i took the necklace i got her years ago and brought it with me to london so at least a piece of her would be there too with us. 

on the first day my older sister and i saw shawn (hes still baby). we also went to madame tussauds (finally met one direction yall), went on london eye, walked to the buckingham palace. took a bus to warner bros studio tour of harry potter. that was fucking incredible. drank disgusting butterbeer. london felt like a dream. 

-

i still don’t know what to do with my life, i don’t really have any dreams. im currently living with my grandma and she really doesnt want me to move out lmao. and i feel bad for leaving her

-

so that’s it i guess. hi everyone who hopefully didn’t read any of this. my names amanda and my lifes a mess and all tangled up but that’s okay. thats what everyone says. gotta focus on the good things happening in your life. and don’t take your family and friends for granted. please. 

also heres my face ft. my harrys tour tshirt. be nice please. okay bye.

[loveyourselffirsttt95-blog]

i   n e e d   y o u

This wasn’t what I was going to originally post, but I figured to switch it up with a topic to discuss. The past couple relationships I’ve been in have ended, oddly with around the same reason. Lack of communication and “giving up” in a way. When you lack communication it can really bring on the “I’m so unwanted” feelings. 

My last relationship ended because I didn’t think we were compatible, and we weren’t clicking, and it felt like he didn’t care about me, or want me. The actual relationship was only 3 weeks. The whole thing was about 4 months in total. There was a lot of “All dressed up and no where to go” nights, a lot of crying because it drove me insane about how “IDK” or “You choose” he was.  Now I’m not good at deciding things either, but I don’t want to inconvenience someone to go out of their way when we hang out. Like once in a while is totally fine, but I wasn’t going to be like “Oh you’re across town, let’s meet” Like I’m more of what works for you? Where can we meet in the middle, so it’s not hurting both of us. But he was also very anti-social like didn’t wanna do a lot when it came to going out places. But the relationship wasn’t all that bad. I did have very good times with him as well. He was definitely more of a talker then putting things in action, and I do admit I think he was a slight rebound. We even were not really physical, he never tried to cop a feel or hold me reallyish if we made out, which didn’t last long. Which lead to me thinking he didn’t think I was pretty or skinny or attracted to me in that way. Which I know, relationships aren’t all about physical stuff, believe me, I get that. And actually we had ended up on that conversation of sex after we broke up, and I made a snide comment and he said “We never talked about it.” And I should’ve been honest with him and told him “I didn’t feel like you wanted me like that”. But I didn’t, and I think I should’ve, but I also didn’t really see me hopping in bed with him. XD But again if I was honest and talked about how I felt in that department more, things might have ended differently. And who knows, maybe well get back together in the future. Relationships are a learning experience. I sometimes wonder if he asked me out again would I say yes. And I think I would at first, but my gut would change my mind because of how miserable I would end up being. And it’s not his fault. He has growing up to do like me. Relationships take a lot of effort and time. If your heart isn’t in it, you aren’t going to want to do it.  And in the end I was really just over the same old crap all the time. So I reluctantly ended it. We are extremely lucky to still be friends and talk from time to time. So I’m thankful for that, because he is a good friend. 

This brings me to my relationship before that. This relationship was a 4/5 month relationship and it was a really really good relationship. I never felt like I couldn’t trust him. I was able to talk to him. I felt wanted and needed and loved. But there was something in my gut that held me back from meeting his parents. And I do regret not meeting them sooner. Even my Dad knew about him. So it wasn’t like I wasn’t serious, I was extremely serious about him. I think I was starting to love him in the end before it all went to shit. And I believe that’s what hurt the most about the breakup. It was an intense relationship in the most loving way, we were slightly obsessed with each other. And we did talk about certain serious things, which is why it baffles me why we broke up. He in a way built me up so high, and when we broke up, he threw a sledgehammer to my pedestal, and I don’t mean that in an egotistical way. I was genuinely feeling much better about myself. 

Now remember, I’m bipolar, so my “feelings” were a lot more intense then someone without, like him were. I don’t think I ever scared him away with how I felt. But I know that my low’s, were LOW. It was December of 2016 where I hit my low point, my low point to where I was smoking cigarettes after quitting and cutting again low. And we just kept fighting. I wanted to talk to him in person about things that were going on, and I didn’t want to talk about it over text. Sue me. And he was sick, and didn’t want too, which rationally I understand. But I wasn’t being rational. I was being extremely irrational and every time he said “IDK we’ll see” drove me nuts. It’s not like I asked for much, I wanted to just sit down and talk. No road trips or shopping or dinner. Just talk things out. And he couldn’t do it. So because I’m bipolar I had very unnecessary extreme reactions to this. Which at the time I didn’t see anything wrong in the way I acted, where as when I look back, I am so sorry for how unreasonable I was acting.  One of the things I wanted to talk to him about was my suspection of being bipolar and how I wanted to get diagnosed (Little did I know 5 months later I would be xD) It was a really hard time being the holidays and all anyway. I was so all over the place, I’m surprised I had friends in the New Year to be honest. 

((((Side story: in the midst of us fighting, I was willing to put our differences aside on Christmas Eve, and I said “if you wanted to see me I’m free no pressure.” And he said “ok” And so bc I didn’t want to fight with him, I didn’t respond, I just viewed the message, and figured he would get back to me. Which he never did, so I hung out with my best guy friend. And then he blows up at me for ignoring him all day, and not talking to him or seeing him.! LIKE YOU NEVER TALKED TO ME AGAIN AFTER OK WTF WAS I GONNA DO?!!!!!” That one was a real mind fuck. XD OH AND THEN HIM AND HIS BEST FRIEND DID A DRIVE BY MY HOUSE. LIKE IK YOUR CAR DONT LIE ABOUT IT. His excuse? “I wanted to make sure you were okay, you didn’t respond.” BECAUSE I WAS DRIVING MYSELF HOME. OMFG. Not to mention his BFF monopolized all his time in the end. Ok my rant is done. ))))

So in the New Year I went to his work because he refused to see me, and I ended things in the store. I said “I know you don’t want to see me, but I can’t do this anymore.” And I handed him his stuff, and he said “Really” And I think I said “Do you have any other way?” And he didn’t say anything, and so I walked away. It was an extremely hard break up, there was SO much crying. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it now, because it was so messed up and I feel awful about it. There’s more things that happens like he went from “I’m so proud of how strong you are” to “I don’t want to work on anything” In a matter of days. And he said we never talked about anything serious in like a month or 2. Like I’m sorry not every time you need to talk about shit. Like it’s normally considered a healthy relationship when you aren’t fighting 24/7. And then he was all “We don’t need to see each other to talk. That’s not gonna help.” Like bitch yes it will just fucking see me for a fucking hour and talk. I worked my ass off in that relationship. (which is probably why I didn’t work as hard in my next.

The moral of this post, aside to rant, is to say these were 2 very different relationships. Ending in the same type of way. I just wanted to feel needed and wanted and loved. Which is not something you should ever fight for by the way. You should talk things out and fight for relationships when there’s something to fight for. When you keep ending up at dead ends, it’s unfortunetly a sign the damage can’t be repaired. And God I practically loved the Christmas guy. Would I date him again though? I haven’t seen him since the beginning of January. He erased me from his life. So probably not. But I will say one thing, I truly hope he’s happy and loves himself the way I almost loved him. 

Another quick note: don’t ever force yourself to see someone, or feel things like love towards them. It doesn’t happen. It either grows or it’s there from the start. You can’t force love. You can’t force being needed. That’s my lesson of the first half of 2017. XD Thanks for reading this all if you did. It felt really good to write even though it was really hard in parts.