#bc at least im not anxious every single night

[kae-eee]

OK so, I wanna hear ur thought abt apple pls-

i have another post like this about her im not looking for rn (edit i found it) but i have so many more

apple is a fucking horse girl

dare i even say brony

she feels a spiritual connection to twilight

she’s also a theatre kid

and she’s apple so ofc she gets lead for every play

including musicals

she cannot fucking sing

she’s just so repressed something about her screams not cis to me

i think the first person she’d come out to is daring

she feels like she owes it to him to let him know

they’re in a qpr

tosses and turns in her sleep

if she ever even does i feel like she works through the night a lot

she feels like she’s failing as a princess if she relaxes

does grwm videos

in denial about liam payne rn

he was her comphet celebrity crush

shes so very interested in anatomy and the insides of everything

she wants to take everything apart

and when she’s alone she does

as a little treat

shes so strange i think if this was a modern au thing she’d wanna be something like a coroner

will start crashing out if you mention chappell throne

she doesn’t like cheese or milk

thinks too hard about where it comes from

honestly she doesn’t want any kids but she’ll have them anyway

has had an unrealized crush on just about all of her girl friends

is NOT ready for a relationship like at all

the second you ship her with someone it becomes doomed bc girly is not stable enough for all that

sometimes i think of her as aromantic and the biggest hopeless romantic at once and has romanticized this idea of true love since she was a little girl

this also gets me thinking about what it she just fucking died during dragon games

because even tho she loves so much and so hard it’s smothering

she’ll never be in love

or what if she fucking died because darling never tried to kiss her

what if her destined true love was a princess charming from a whole other line of charmings

if you can’t tell dappling pisses me off a little bit

not the ship itself but the way it’s usually written

like can we dig deeper into darling? show us her comphet too? bc there isn’t a single person at that school who doesn’t have heteronormativity engrained into them

this is about apple tho so let me stfu

back to dappling i think they’re like childhood friends who grew apart and got even more split from the destiny debate

hell i don’t even think they’re into each other

apples romanticizing darling as her true love

and darling feels obligated to act as such

shes just happy her destiny isn’t to be a damsel tbh

apple is in chronic pain

she doesn’t acknowledge it

doesnt know why

doesnt see a doctor about it even tho she knows they could afford it just fine

her mother knows and also ignores this

because her blonde hair and fucked up eyesight was more than enough flaws for a future snow white

and a future queen

kingdom management stresses her the fuck out

because i really don’t think she’s actually a people person

i actually think she’s very socially anxious naturally

and all those meetings with those powerful people terrify her

has scheduled crying time for when she knows raven isn’t home

will absolutely gaslight raven out of thinking she came in and saw apples eyes all puffy and red

do yall think she’d try weed?

she needs to do SOMETHING to chill out at least

chronic muscle tension

doesnt know there’s a word for why certain spots on her body and hard and cold to the touch

absolutely nothing to do with her chronic pain

trust me

her royal highness needs some royal crutches fr babygirl is struggling

that’s all that comes to mind rn because im in class, but tell me some of yours!

[vvstual]

ok so…

i’ll just start from the top with high touch and the grp photo

when i tell you i was shitting myself with anxiety…….. we made line friends with a few people and we bonded over how anxious we were

it went by So fast but then again the whole thing felt crazy fast maybe bc we were waiting outside and inside for so long

but we were at the very front of the vip line which means we were first after vvip…. crazy. and i was like maybe the third person in the single file line but we walked in the theater and they were just lined up there and all i could think was “fuck fuck fuck fuck they don’t look real fuck fuck fuck” AND THEY DIDNT. THEY DONT. like it’s crazy they don’t look real they’re so gorgeous SUNGHO ESPECIALLY MY GOOOOOOD

but we went down the line giving each member a high five it was junji > taeyeob > wookjin ? > kyubin > sungho > yongsoo and for junji and taeyeob it was like a gentle high five but wook and kyubin Went for it like they fully high five you AND THEYRE SO TALL im short im barely 5’4 BUT THEYRE SO TALL

after we went down the line we circled back around to behind the chairs they were standing in front of for the grp photo and I WAS FUCKING RIGHT BEHIND YOOJUNG. and i was waving at all of them as they sat down and kyubin looks me dead in the face with his fake nose piercing and says “hey” with a smile as he sits down

GIRL.

LIKESHJDOFHHDBS WHAT STOP THAT

But i was too nervous to like tap yoojungs shoulder to do a heart or anything lmao so i just did a peace sign and stared at the back of his head like what is happening.

after we got out of snapshot me fern and one of the friends we made had a grp hug all on the verge of tears it was very sweet

then it was a bit more waiting and we filed back into the concert hall whatever you wanna call it and their performances were fucking amazingggggggggg

kyubin ripped open his shirt during asoiaf junji kissed rie on the cheek or the other way around it’s all a blur all i heard was the sound and saw junjis embarrassed face yoojung pretended to be santa claus but one of his mustache bits flew off they did a la la land bit that included sungho slapping kyubins ass as the percussion it was a fucking wild time

taeyeob was blowing kisses the whole time it was so sweet i love him🥹

OH MY GOD HOW DID I ALMOST FORGET during the la la land bit kyubin was asking the crowd if we’ve seen la la land and i put both thumbs up AND HE GAVE ME A THUMBS UP FUCKING BACK WHAT THE FUCK this man has me in a chokehold

but um yeah for encore they did asoiaf angel and onlyoneof you when i tell you i was so relieved they were doing onlyoneof you considering i spent like two hours labeling all the hearts yesterday with my mom

but during angel they had the whole crowd jump with them it was so cute 🥹🥹 i remember jumping and coming up in the air to see kyubin shaking his ass he’s wild i love him

my view wasn’t great but it wasn’t terrible i’m happy with it overall 🫶🫶

but yes i held up my heart during onlyoneof you and a few people around me did and i saw a bunch more throughout the crowd which really warmed my heart and i saw wookjin point at one and smile 🥹 which is gonna make me cry but my whole goal was to make them feel loved and i feel accomplished in that even if not every member saw them i’m glad at least one did

and for the photo after asoiaf before angel and ooo you i passed forward the flag as fast as i possibly could lmao and yongsoo was over by our side and he grabbed it 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 he put it around himself and wore it for one pic but then the staff grabbed all the flags and took two more pics without them 💔 but we did lion pose first then i love you pose with hand hearts and that’s the one that they posted on their story

after the concert they told people with snapshot to stay in the concert hall and premium was gonna go first and i was able to stay with a couple line friends but they had kyubin and i had yoojung so we had to split up for the night </3 but they were so so nice and one of them let us use her perfume so we didn’t smell for snapshots 😭😭

i anxiously got in line after taeyeob finished up premiums and there was one person in front of me screams and they had to change the film cartridge thing so they got a little extra time and i was just staring at the floor trying not to be awkward but then it was my turn and she (kelly unfortunately) asked what pose i wanted, i looked at the thing to be sure and told her the number, she told him the number he said hello! and i said hi! and we took the picture and our shoulders touched and i felt very ahdjroehhegkigbd about it yknow and he MADE EYE CONTACT which i’m afraid of but he’s so gorgeous oh my god… and so fucking tall i felt so short even in my tall shoes😭 but he made eye contact and said thank you for coming WHICH I WAS ABOUT TO SAY so i just said thank You for coming! and as i was walking (like two feet away) to get the polaroid from her he said have a good night! but it took me way too long to process he said that so i had to yell back you too!! and then i ran to fern and died a little while i waited for it develop but it’s so cute and i love him and i don’t believe it’s real it’s photoshop there’s no way tonight happened

[chaoxfix]

🕯️🪄🌻 for the meme!

ty for the ask!! <3

🕯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

ahh... hmm. i like putting out the energy i want back. if i read something i try to comment, and if i dont like something or am not interested in the concept, i just dont react because it's so much worse to upset someone over something they worked hard on.

i really don't think kudos are a very good expression of appreciation, as it has almost no room for real connection. fics are free, you know? when something is free but gives you joy, you should probably meet it with love, and love in a way that really shows why you like it. thats why i think comments are much better. i get why it can cause anxiety, but there's really no wrong way to comment unless youre 1) being an honest to god jerk, 2) pointing out something you dislike / something that you think the author was "incorrect" about (especially if the commenter is the one whos wrong lmao. either way i really dont think free fanfiction is like. lol. the place to do public criticism. just saying.)

im a rather anxious person irl, so im not really sure exactly what every single other anxious person's obstacles are or how to bridge them. because of that, i won't try to give universal advice since it's something i cant be an expert on if my experience is so different.

but i will say, for myself -- i mitigate my anxiety by practicing gratitude. i weaponize my people-pleasing for good by trying to be someone who makes other people feel genuinely good. and there's nothing better than feeling appreciated and praised for things that have value. and that kind of thing usually comes back around.

🪄what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

ahh... hmmm...

if it's late at night (after midnight) when i post it, i go to sleep so i wont stay up refreshing the page to see what people say, or worse stay up editing all the typos that "suddenly appear" in ao3 formatting lol. that way even if no one reads it overnight or there are errors, it's okay because at least i can face the day with some sleep.

if it's not late at night when i post it, i try to go for a walk to again avoid constantly refreshing the page for feedback or immediately editing it. bc its not super healthy to spend even more time on it after whats probably been hours and hours, and i dont want my entire day fixated on something i should be done with.

i dont really celebrate much though, probably because i just kind of expect myself to make things of a quality i can stand behind. i didnt really grow up getting praised despite being an overachiever bc it made others around me feel bad when i got a lot . . . so i. have to really try and make something worthy of praise to feel like i deserve it. idk. haha. so anyways overall i try to lean more and more into 'i dont need validation' because id hate to put all my eggs in that basket -- not just because i dont want to be motivated by others' praise, but also because, i dont want to stop writing for the opposite reason, if someday i no longer feel like the quality of work i produced actually deserved the amount of feedback it got.

🌻what makes you want to give up on writing? what makes you keep going?

low motivation for long stretches, and losing interest in the things others like best, make me want to stop writing. both with fandom and original. low motivation usually coincides with depressive stints for me, and it makes me feel awful. like i cant do the one thing i like best, because i just can't motivate myself. when i finally manage it, it's crap for the first thousand words, then it gets better.

for me though, what makes me keep going is getting others to see my vision. getting them to feel what i aim to make them feel; crafting stories that, maybe theyre not perfect, but the emotions they generate are enough. it really is hard without an audience. even though i'm not motivated as much by getting a ton of validation, i do need at least a little lol, even just someone to say "yes. i see you. i understand what you needed me to feel from this, and i felt it." which is why i have original writing friends as well, for original stuff.

buuut also, i also keep going because i like being able to jot down what im thinking/imagining so that i can revisit it later and go back to that feeling, that moment in time where i was absolutely positive of that scene

thank you again for asking!! ^^

[nathank77]

10/31/24

10:32 a.m

It's been approximately 365 since I was forced against my will to spend a night in the psych ward and it permanently fucked me up. I'm trying not to dwell... but it's hard not to remember that I microslept and all the events that I'm now having flashbacks to that occurred this day approximately 1 year ago. I remember everything so vividly. I remember i hadn't slept for 4 days. I remember what time I was admitted. I remember what lead to me going to the e.r. I remember what I told them. I remember everything. And I mean everything.

I'm truly trying not to dwell but talking about things helps..considering i don't really have a therapist anymore. Erin stopped seeing me. Mike is sick and cancels legit every single week. And the new therapist canceled 3 times out of 5 appointments....... I didn't have therapy last week..i haven't had therapy this week. So all I have is tumblr.

Anyways I'm trying a new statin as of yesterday night. I have to take it 3 days a week... to try to mitigate side effects..... my wrist hurts... technically I couldn't have slept on it wrong. I feel potentially muscle weakness... idk....... I mean that's the problem.... before starting it I would occasionally have a muscle spasm. Or a sore neck or something from like sleeping on it wrong. Or muscle spasms bc of dehydration/stress/anxiety/caffeine. It makes it hard to know whether or not I am having side effects or if I am anxious and having tactiles....

I realize something very important. I don't have things to do. I mean just laundry, cooking, showering, running errands like grocery shopping.

What does that mean? All i have time to do is have anxiety. All I have time to do is freak out about thing, overthink and create side effects.....my wrist could hurt bc I slept on it wrong, it could hurt from doing the pumpkins. It could hurt from the statin too.

I mean it's problematic. I'd really rather not go on injectables... as a transguy, as happy as I am about testosterone I think about my testosterone it makes me remember it's a commitment to life long injections... or at least creams and gels which I've tried and don't like. The injection is ideal for many reasons. I can't transfer the gel onto someone else. I don't have to put it on everyday.

But as a transguy I truly understand the commitment it is to have to do biweekly injections for the rest of my life. Even if I get my ovaries removed.... id go into menopause in my 30s if I were to stop testosterone...

Of course this injectable medication is different.... but it's a commitment and not one im positive i want to do.

Yet as I'm typing my thumbs hurts... I feel as though it's hurt before.... cause I mean this generation is prone to arthritis.... being a gamer, someone who writes, and someone who texts and uses my phone.

I haven't met anyone. Life doesn't get better and I'm really considering running away since this dog is permanently here with my monthly check and getting that Airbnb and ending it.

I don't have anything to live for. If I was a someone i would pop a new medication. Go to work, pick the kids up, make dinner. And if I was to have anxiety about the side effects sure I could have some... but I'd have less time to dwell and worry about it.

I want to change my diet cause my cheese intake is disgusting and I know it contributes to my chlorestoral..

Sleep was awful last night. I had a dream where I woke up at 8:30 a.m and my alarms never went off. Idk how many hours i got. I must have gotten between 5-7... but falling asleep took a while.

The two nights before, I struggled to fall asleep, it took a while but I did.

Tonight I'm giving myself a tiny bit more xanax since it's the year mark of having spent a night in the psych ward...

I'm wondering how my thyriod is doing. As I'm hungry more frequently... and living behind the barricade I'm sure helps... but there is also another anxiety....what if I'm right and my mother would rather me live behind this barricade until Riley dies and this is my new life. Feeling like I don't matter at all to my family..

I wish I had something to do except have anxiety. I wish I was a someone. I wish the dog would leave..I hope the statin works out.

But it's like sometimes I wake up with neck pain cause I slept funny and id never say it was white mulberries or lions mane.... so it's like a catch 22. I'm hyper vigilant and anxiuos and anxiety can create muscle spasms. And I also have tactile hallucination still.

I feel like my life is purposeless. And I should end it before it gets worse.

[xamaxenta]

THAT IS SO CUTE I CAN'T, MY HEART IS JUST OVERWHELMED WITH FEELS.

Ace as a stress eater is canon now, anyone says otherwise can fight me on it. Funny random hc, since Ace has narcolepsy, just imagined him stressing over Marco's not being there to the point that for the entire time Marco's gone, he just...can't sleep? His narcolepsy didn't trigger either and then Marco came in and he's like--

"MARC--" cue narcolepsy trigger the moment he saw his bf cause baby was so stressed out that when his body finally relaxes, they went 'oops, babe's back, gotta sleep'

BIRD MARCO WADDLING TO SEE HIS BOYFRIEND IS ADORABLE! Just a bright-ass bird swooping down, pushing everyone with his big-ass wings cuz BOYFRIEND! NEED!

OOOH i love the narcolepsy trigger part, Ace volunteering to take every single night watch Marcos gone because he just cant sleep anymore without him or at least the quality of sleep isn’t great so Ace ends up with some intense eyebags 🥺 (I absolutely can relate if my gf isnt beside me at night i become an anxious ball of stress and sadness and then i dont sleep at all its the them damn nightmares)

The moment Marco holds him Ace just collapses thats both so cute and so wah sad but could easily be comedicute Marco bundling Ace up like yknow what i could go take a nap too, im sure theres someone around who can forge my signature? If so Please sign me in so Pops doesn’t send a search party for me— cue all of the nurses and first division rushing to go forge Marcos signature bc what pirate doesnt like a little forgery and hijinks 😂 Marco didnt realise this many people studied his handwriting

And then they go sleep and no one is allowed to disturb them unless theyre being attacked but listen Marco gets the luxury of as many pillows as he likes so he and Ace just collapse between the mountain of soft and just pass the fuck out

Birb Marco slapping people away with his wings crossly because Ace is over there and youre all in the way, marco you do know you can fly over there right ? Or did you forget to transform back? (He forgot to transform back)

[rebellum]

Every once in a while I'm reminded that I'm like actually traumatized from being mentally ill and the helplessness I felt

Like I've been okay for maybe around a year now, actually good, I'm no longer disabled

But I still have rough nights like tonight where it's like I can't help but think about it and daydream scenarios where I tell people about how absolutely failed I feel I was from the people around me

Like I did what you're supposed to do in that situation- I told multiple trusted adults about my mental health issues. And my mum helped a lot, definitely, and she did her best, I don't fault her for that, but no one else did anything either

I wish I had gone behind my mums back earlier

At 17 I knew how anti-medicstion she was (or, thought she was, it was a whole situation where she's not actually anti medication and just felt like it was best to tell me that meds wouldn't help bc she wanted to help me to feel better, esp since in her opinion I wouldn't have gotten medication while under 18)

and finally went to a psychiatrist who of course was like "oh my god yes I will help you" because she realised if wasn't fucking okay or normal for a teen to hallucinate when they get anxious and have paranoia and be so desperate for death from depression

And im. Starting to realise by typing this out that I don't think my mum did really do her best, maybe. She still should have taken me to a doctor. When your 15 year old tells you they want to die and that they think aliens are after them and that almost every day they feel spiders crawling all over them, you take them to the fucking doctor, not hope it goes away because you had a simular mental health issue that went away in your early 20s

I was just in such desperate need of help and almost no one helped me. I went to my aunt and she was basically like wow that sucks. I told my acting instructor and she, to my absolute befuddlement, told me anxiety was actually good because without it people wouldn't do things like meet deadlines. No one fucking helped me and its been 13 years since the whole thing started happening that made me spend ages like 12-21ish in absolute agony. So I guess I just get into states like this sometimes where I can't help but feel terrible that at 12 years old I literally wrote a suicide note every single month but chickened out. For years I've thought like, that's fine, 12 is almost 13 and therefore basically a teenager, and many teens have rough times, so it's actually good that I got to have 11 years of childhood

But as I get older and more separate from my past self I realise that wasn't enough

That there are 15 year olds worried about normal teens things like if someone has a crush on them, and that adolescence is actually a part of childhood, and that it was robbed by me by my mental illness. I've so far bad to spend my early 20s where other people emotionally are at teens because I straight up fucking missed a big part of my development. Of course I'm traumatized. I don't even know how to deal with it though. This times where I can't help but imagine explaining it get farther apart, at least. I haven't had one like this in months.

I think I still feel helpless. I m no longer disabled but i still struggle and I still feel like I'm under control of some monster of mental illness. And I don't even know if it's normal or not! I don't know if everyone in their 20s feels helpless like they're on a raft in an ocean because they know what they need to do and how to do it but have to deal with the idea that their body just won't let them do it. I've been in uni since fall 2016 because of mental health issues making me drop my classes, and I'm supposed to have just one year left, and I plan on doing it, and I want to do it, but an outside force may stop me from completing it on time. And yeah maybe just everyone young feels this way, like some mercurial outside force is keeping them tethered. And maybe I'm just being a baby about it. Or maybe crying about it is also a normal and okay part of it and I'm not being stupid and oversensitive.

Tomorrow will be better, I suspect, today has just been a REALLY rough day for me

[rafecameron]

dancing on my own

request: Angst with no happy ending? How abt *insert actor/character* getting married and their ex (the reader) kinda 'forcing herself' to go to the wedding bc she really wants to see their mutual friends again but like doesn't wanna see the wedding. And reader just watching the love of their live get married and be happy with someone else and their heart silently being ripped apart? Too cruel?

pairing: ex!luke patterson x reader

word count: 2.1K

warnings: heartbreak, no happy ending

a/n: here you go cruel anon. turns out im not that great at heartbreak but hopefully this makes your heart crack a little bit. (also idk if people read authors notes but my requests are currently closed!) 

Y/N thought back on all the times she could have turned around. When she was getting into her car. When she reached the airport. When she queued to board the plane. When she checked into her hotel. When she began to get ready. Now she was facing the very last time she could turn around. Stood outside the venue, all dressed up with no one to walk her inside. But just like the times before, she didn’t turn around, she pushed on. Her heart breaking a little more with each step, she knew that surely by the end of the night there would be nothing left but crumbs. She had promised herself two things before this trip. Number one; she would not speak to him. Number two; she would not cry. She wasn’t entirely sure she would be able to keep either of the promises to herself, but repeating them in her head made her feel that little bit calmer.

She situated herself beside a table lined with drinks, helping herself to a flute of champagne. She was anxious for the doors to be opened so she could find a seat, somewhere in a corner at the back would suit her just fine. Out of sight of anyone who would surely recognise her, she had no intentions of engaging in conversation until the reception. But seeing as what was happening today she should have known it would be her unlucky day.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” a voice speaks beside her and she turns, landing eyes on someone she had not seen for far too long. His suit was tailored perfectly to his body, his long hair tied in a bun at the back of his head. “I wasn’t sure you’d come.” He pulls her into a hug.

“I wasn’t sure I would either,” she admits as she pulls away, “I wasn’t going to, but I wanted to see everyone...most people.”

Willie laughs softly, “I’m glad you’re here, sit beside me?” He asks, motioning with his head towards the doors that were being pulled open.

“Oh, I was just gonna sit in the back,” she stumbles over her words as Willie takes ahold of her hand, “Aren’t you going to sit with Alex?”

“He’s preoccupied.” Willie states simply, ignoring her protests as he pulls her towards the front of the room to take a seat in the front row.

She sighs as she sits down beside him. The sick feeling in her stomach growing as the room slowly became more and more full, people lining up on the benches and getting ready to watch the ceremony.

Willie reaches down and takes ahold of her hand again, giving it a light squeeze and offering a comforting smile, “You don’t have to stay.” He whispers.

“I do.” She nods, “I want to see everyone, I won’t stay all day but I need to at least say hello now I’m here.”

Willie nods his head, squeezing her hand one last time and patting her knees before turning back to face forward, the ceremony would be starting any minute and she found that her eyes were glued to the pattern on the floor.

For the entirety of the ceremony she didn’t look up. She didn’t want to risk meeting his eyes, didn’t want to see her friends sympathetic looks and definitely didn’t want to see the bride looking beautiful in her white dress. She tried her best not to listen, she couldn’t stomach hearing the vows and knew if she heard the words I do in his voice she’d cry. So she thought about anything else but what was happening in front of her.

She finally looked up when the couple was safely past her line of sight, eyes instantly meeting that of an old blonde friend. He gave her a wave, she was sure the smile was supposed to make her feel better but she just felt more pathetic. Why was she even here? She’s sure the invite was out of politeness and not an actual invitation to come. And if her friends were going to be tiptoeing around her and treating her like a porcelain doll she wasn’t sure she could cope. The nicer people were to her about this the more likely it was she would break down.

She didn’t want to think about it, about him, sure she was at his wedding but that didn’t mean this day had to be about him. She wanted to have a catch up with her friends, avoid her ex the whole night and then go back home, cry with a bottle of wine and forget this whole thing ever happened.

“I’m glad you came.” Alex says as he reaches her, pulling her into a hug, “It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, it’s good to see you too.” She responds truthfully, “Can we go to the reception? I think I need a drink already.”

Alex laughs, taking Willies hand in his own and leading the way towards the after party. The amount of people that were there she was sure she would be able to avoid the groom for the night. She found herself situated on a table with her friends, helping herself to a glass of wine and making sure the bottle was kept close to her.

No matter how excited she was to see her friends she found that now she was here she was finding it hard to hold a conversation. The group around her were still familiar with each other, still seeing each other and having things to talk about, she felt a little like a spare part. But still she smiled along and listened to their conversation. Something about a recent party they had attended where Reggie had drank a little too much, she laughed along with them unsure of what else to do. The more they spoke and tried to involve her in the conversation the more she realised she didn’t really know the people around her anymore. Sure she had good memories with them and she would always consider them her friends, but she didn’t really know them.

The best thing about weddings it that you can be invisible if you wanted to be. The bride and groom were always busy, everyone wanting to talk to them and congratulate them, and the drunker the guests got the easier it was to slip away from conversations and merely watch the scenes unfold. Which is exactly what she did. She watched her friends get drunk and progressively louder, not noticing anymore if she wasn’t joining in their conversation. If the night continued this way she was certain she would make it out in one piece.

She thought she was doing a pretty good job of avoiding the one person she feared seeing the most. But halfway through the night a hand landed on her shoulder and a familiar scent filled her nose. She felt her skin ignite where his fingers touched and she begged the butterflies in her stomach to go away, to fly away and disappear forever.

Turning in her seat she finally meets his eyes for the first time that night, forcing a smile onto her face as she stands up and allows him to pull her into a hug. Her heart hammers in her chest and she uses every ounce of will power within her to not shed any tears, she felt the epitome of pathetic. Wanting to cry at a wedding like she was in a bad romcom movie. Only if this were a movie she’d get the guy, or a second guy would come sweep her off her feet and make her forget the first one was ever there. She didn’t see that happening anytime soon.

“Thanks for coming.” Luke smiles, “You look great, that colour really suits you.”

She returns his smile with a tight lipped one of her own, “Thanks, you don’t look too bad yourself.” She attempts a light hearted laugh.

She looked away, she couldn’t stand looking into his eyes any longer, his gaze intense and stirring way too many different emotions inside of her. She wanted him to be horrible to her, to tell her to leave and never come back, not to tell her she looks great. How was she ever supposed to get over him when he was nothing but nice to her all the time. She wished he had done something at the end to allow her to hate him. Cheat on her maybe, or tell her he never loved her, then maybe she’d stand a tiny chance of getting over him and moving on with her life. Instead he was selfish and kept her at arms length because he knew he always could and that should have been enough for her to stay away, but she just couldn’t.

“Congratulations,” she looks back at him, eyes settling just above his to avoid his gaze, “You seem really happy, I wish you all the best.”

“Thanks,” he smiles and it’s genuine, something which breaks her heart a little more.

Of course she wants him to be happy, but a bigger part of her wants him to be happy with her and not anyone else. She knows that’s selfish, but that doesn’t stop her from trying to wish it into existence no matter how futile she knows it is.

“Have you met Jess?” He asks, placing a hand on her shoulder as though about to lead her somewhere.

“Oh, no I haven’t but she looks busy,” she quickly shrugs his hand off, the bride she could see from the corner of her eye, laughing at something another guest had said, “I’ll introduce myself later.” She lies.

The only thing she could think that would be worse than this wedding was having to actually meet the bride. To meet her replacement, the better version. The one who had stolen his heart and been worth enough to keep it forever. She forces a smile and excuses herself to the bathroom.

As she reaches the bathroom she can feel her eyes stinging, shutting herself in a cubicle she fans her face, determined not to let a single tear fall. She had made a promise to herself and the least she could do was keep it. She leant her head back against the door, letting out a shaky breath to compose herself.

Once she was sure she wouldn’t cry she exited the bathroom again, thankful to see that he was no longer at the table she had just ran from. She took her seat and no one asked where she had been or if she was okay, she was glad for that at least.

As the night wore on she thought she was doing okay, one little hiccup but no tears since, she’d even found herself genuinely laughing at a couple points. He’d spoken to her and she hadn’t thrown up on his shoes, he had no reason to try and speak to her again.

But then it was time for the first dance and she felt her chest tightening. Her calm composure being over taken by a sinking feeling of dread. She watched for a minute, watched him hold her close and smile. Watched him lean in to kiss her gently before spinning her under his arm and pulling her back in. She wished more than anything that it was her in his arms, her who he still looked at like the world shone behind her eyes. But it would never be her again, and his bride she was sure was far more beautiful than she could ever hope to be.

She watched as more dancers joined the floor, her friends among them. She tried to smile, but the sight was too much for her. Her friends laughing and dancing with their loved ones while she sat on the side lines and watched feeling like a stranger. The slow music a melancholy soundtrack to her emotions, reminding her of something she could never have.

She stands from the table, dragging her eyes over each person she knew, lingering on Luke for a moment longer before she turned and walked out of the room. She knew that this would be the last time she ever saw him, because she knew seeing him happy with someone else would be a slow form of torture. So she walked away, from him, from her friends forever, leaving whatever little pieces were left of her heart behind. By the time she exited the building she felt nothing more than a hollow shell and she finally let the tears fall.

tags: @lovesanimals @makebank @chrlsgillespie @crybabyddl @marinettepotterandplagg @caitsymichelle13 @kcd15 @kinda-really-lost @alexpjoyner @meangirlsx

[soulwillower]

butterflies • mike hanlon

(mike hanlon x reader)

requested:  Can you write something for Mike? Whenever you have time of course😊 I don’t mind if it’s smut or fluff, imagine or head cannons. I just really need more Mike in my life💗 thank you -🃏 p.s ilysm

warning: swearing, brief mentions of sex thx richie (and stan and bill), just fluffy stuff, underage drinking, unedited

[losers + reader are 18 in this.]

i wrote this rly quickly bc i just had an idea and im in love w mike, i hope u guys enjoy! i also made this gender neutral 

♡

1.8k words

"what're you staring at, toots?" a cheeky voice pulls you out of your daydream.

you look to your left and stare at richie, cheeks heating up. "what are you talking about?" you ask, feeling flustered. your friend chuckles, the lenses of his glasses glinting in the midday sun.

 it's hot today - you, eddie, and richie had just crawled from the quarry to rest on blankets, your skin warm and hair dripping onto your bodies as you watch the others swim.

in the distance, a bout of laughter grabs your attention and you focus on your friends. mike's got bev in his arms as he tosses her through the water, flying and both of them laughing. you smile, watching mike's back muscles move, his blinding smile as he wipes water from his eyes. 

bill socks him on the shoulder lightly in jest and mike turns his head with a laugh. and then mike's warm eyes are locking with yours from far away and your stomach flutters. he waves, and you softly wave back. 

"uh, that."

you look back with a frown to eddie, who's staring at you with a straight look. richie's got the same one on his own angular face and you scowl at them, crossing your arms. "i don't know what you're on about. you guys are assholes, anyways." you mutter the second part, toe nudging the sand at the edge of your towel.

"it's okay, y/n.

your eyebrows lift and you sigh, surprised by the moment of sincerity from the boy who's always joking.

"then you can finally fuck him all you want."

"wait, now. y/n fucking who?" stan asks, walking up with a grin and flanked by ben and bev on either side. they all fall to the ground and shake their hair out with towels or grab their phone.

"obviously mike. who else?" eddie adds, tossing you a smirk. you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. a quick glance proves that bill and mike are still in the water, making their way over slowly but in deep conversation. at least they're out of earshot.

"yeah, she's been hung up on him since the seventh grade. we're eighteen now, doll. it's time."  richie says this with a half-full mouth of beer, prompting you, ben, bev, stan, and eddie all to give him a grossed out look.

"oh fuck off, tozier, leave her alone." stan mumbles, digging through the cooler to pull out a beer and handing one to eddie before pulling his keys to open his own. "you jealous, stanny?" richie mutters, making kissy noises. you roll your eyes and crack a grin despite your embarrassment.

"please. y/n's all mike's, none for me. he's just as hung up on her." stan mutters with a grin and you toss a rock at him in annoyance. god, they're the worst.

"she's also a person, you know." bev says, sending a pointed look to the boys just as bill and mike walk over, towels around their shoulders.

"y/n? a p-person? not so sure." bill teases, winking at you. you stick your tongue out at him, just glad they'd only caught the tail-end of that conversation. mike sits next to you, handing you a cold beer with a warm smile.

you feel those stupid butterflies again.

"i don’t know. y/n's pretty human to me." mike mutters as he wipes his face with his hand. you grin into your knees, feeling flustered and very, very, very infatuated with the boy next to you.

richie groans with a teasing smile, "see! that's what im talking about, are you guys j-" he makes a loud grunt then as ben whacks him in the stomach.

x

later that night, two more beers and four slices (you were so hungry) of pizza later, you find yourself gazing up at the stars. being at mike's house was one of your favorite things ever. besides the most obvious reason, the one that makes you flush, you do like coming to the farm because it's far enough away from the town that the stars are clear and you can lay and stare at them for hours.

luckily, mike kept his window screen removed so he himself could go on the roof, so after everyone had fallen asleep, you'd tip toed up to his room to crawl onto the roof. you'd also tried to hide your disappointment as you opened his door and he wasn't there - he hadn't been asleep downstairs with the others so you'd assumed he'd gone to sleep in his own bed.

nonetheless, you were up here now and it was perfect - the crickets chirping and frogs croaking in the creek a few yards to the left of the house, close enough that you can here it gurgling as the water flows past the rocks you used to jump across as kids.

you sigh. when did you grow up?

a breeze ruffles your hair lightly and you can smell the remnants of smoke in the air from the fire mike and ben had lit although that was hours ago.

mike. the thought brings butterflies all over your body and you curse yourself and your anxious crush. he was just so... so soft. he was strong and soft and careful and carefree - he was his own opposite and that thought itself confused you but you don't really care because every time he speaks, you want nothing more than just to listen for ages. you sit up, eyes wide and breaths halting at your own thoughts. wait.

that's love, isn't it?

"want some company?" a voice calls, prompting you to turn back and look towards the window, your heart skipping a beat at the familiar figure.

"hi mike." you say timidly, your face somehow feeling warm against the cool summer night. perfect timing. "hey, y/n/n." he mutters as he pulls himself through the ledge and out onto the roof, plopping himself next to you. he sits close enough that you can smell him and feel him against your leg - his smell is one of mint, wildflowers and some unknown cologne that makes you feel tingly.

"i thought you were asleep." you say, hating that you feel so damn nervous around your friend. if only these feelings would go away. he chuckles, looking at you, "no, i was getting water in the kitchen and when i came back, you weren't with the others. i knew you'd be up here."

something about his words make you feel very mushy and you give him a smile, "how'd you know?" you ask softly. he shrugs, his eyes darting quickly from yours to your lips and your heart freezes.

"i know you more than you think, y/n." he says equally as soft and then you notice how close he really is, how honest he sounds. and then your eyes flick away, taking in the soft rustle of the leaves in the distance, a lone car tumbling down the road into town, the left taillight blown out. you chuckle; it looks sort of like the car richie bought sophomore year that you all used to pile into to drive into bangor.

you then think about all your memories with the losers; how every single one always circulates around a familiar smile, a certain laughter and the kindest person you've ever known.

and then mike's arm lifts to rest around you and you quickly snap out of your stare at the grassy field of his farm to look at him. he's smiling back and you realize his voice and body next to yours might possibly be the one thing bearing the weight of your mind as your head threatens to join the shining stars and clouds above you. he takes care of you in ways that neither of you notice, in ways that you'll forever be grateful for.

"i just want to say something." he says, cutting out the silence with his crisp words, looking out towards the skyline where you can just make out the main street of derry over the fields.

you lean your head slightly onto his shoulder and hum, nervous that if you tried to speak no words would come out but just the sound of your racing heartbeat.

"y/n, i really like you."

it's said with no other inflections, nothing but the raw words doing so much to overpower your brain. your heart stops beating then starts again at a thumping, resounding pace. you think you're short-circuiting.

"oh... what?" you ask shyly, feeling extremely flushed. there's no way that mike likes you back. he smiles at you and god, those butterflies are about to escape from your chest. "you're not joking, are you?" you ask, biting your lip as your eyes navigate every feature of his face as he watches you. you dont even know why you said it - it's mike you're talking to. he would never lie or joke about something like this, he would never, ever hurt you like that.

"i have never felt this way about anyone.” he says honestly, a smile still on his face and your heart thumps wildly in your chest, a smile splitting your face in two as you shake your head. "y/n/n, i would never lie to you." but you already knew that.

your heart is swelling with so much antsy happiness that you almost huff a laugh, shaking your head as your cheeks flush. he's just watching you, half-smiling as he waits for you to fully react. he knows you so well, you almost cry, but instead you speak.

"i like you too, i think i lo-" you cut yourself off and suck in a breath, realizing that you haven't taken one in over thirty seconds. "i have for a long time. do you-do you think i could..." you trail off, feeling awkward.

he smiles gently, the hand that isn't around your shoulders reaching to softly cup your jaw. you can't speak as he pulls you closer and shit, even if you could you don't want to because you would ruin this beautiful moment, the way you're breathing each other in.

you close the gap.

his lips are warm against yours and the arm around your shoulder moves to your waist, pulling you closer to him and deepening the kiss. he tastes like vanilla ice cream and you whimper slightly, your hands falling on his chest as your heart pounds in your own. he's smilling, then - you can feel it.

you laugh with happiness as you realize that you can feel him smiling against your lips and that you'll be able to feel that for a very long time. he pulls back and pecks your lips again, staring into your eyes and then you peck his lips. he laughs and it makes you beam.

his arm pulls you into his side and he lays his head on yours as you stare out into the countryside. "are you tired, mike?" you ask, concerned that you've kept him up. you feel him shake his head and you smile softly, hand lacing with his against the tiles of the roof.

"no. i think i could stay up here forever." he whispers.

//tag list: @gabiatthedisco @blisshemmings @toziershmozier @simplesammyx @dickology64 @clownsloveyou @baby-yoda-a @moon-shine-baby @daughter-of-the-stars11 @lets-vibe-bro @trashedfortozier @oceandog13 @finnskindofwoman @beauregard-s  @kait-tozier  @upamongthestarss @fiantomartell //

[kyunsies]

madch madch <3 hello love!

how are you my love :D YAY I'M SO HAPPY YOUR COLD IS GONE OMG!! Do you feel properly better now? the sleep nose cloggs is the worst, i'm super glad it's gone for you.

YES for a whole month - like it makes me miss summer holidays when i was a kid and you could take the time off like that. do you ever feel like you didn't appreciate that stuff like when you were a kid? like being able to have long sleeps and stuff or just running about the mall with no consequence? we really do have the same situation going on! i just want to be able to buy my mum a better house and a better car and nicer holidays and stuff? like that small stuff which sounds a bit boring but like, idk that means more to me than the overly flashy stuff? like i'd love to be a mum one day but seeing how much my mum does sometimes i'm like... IDK if I could hack it you know?

ah wow ok! my school i really get what you say about catholic guilt as it's super similar from my cultural influences as well? YES like, it's bad to think too well of yourself, or just that you shouldn't do it? or you're gonna end up inviting bad things if you do think too much of yourself? i get really confused about it sometimes. like - almost like there's a difference between self love and thinking too well of yourself? and i can appreciate myself without ever thinking i'm too good at something etc? does that make sense? idk i'm worried about self love it if means it makes my ego bad and over arrogant and all that stuff? I GET YOU tho - it is that line between contentment and like feeling yourself to the point it's ... ick? it's hard isn't it?

THAT FACT STEALING TOILET PAPER WAS YOU USING BAD LANGUAGE omg do you see what i mean you are just so so so so pure of heart and sweet and thank you for being so kind <3 are you looking forward to going back to uni in some ways? or is it all general *internal screaming*? remember you're mega and amazing <3

omg we literally had a HUGE HEARTWAVE to the point where I have so many bites everywhere - i'm glad you've had a bunch of sun but YAY TINY TINY SQUAD!!!!!!! I AM 5'1" so yay to us being tiny together <3 I am always the tiny one too! i used to hate it but i like my height more now - and like the fact i can fit into kids stuff on sale? or like shoe sizes not being a problem? but then sometimes the sizing is a bit weird like you said before! YOU GET IT WITH THE BF JEANS. It is a neverending quest RN. I've figured out the size I can really get for them but so few stores make it :/ we will see how this saga unfolds. do you lampshade a lot with clothes? i find i always end up doing that even if i don't mean to haha XD

OKAY SO JO MALONE I like the smell of pomegrante noir but IDK if I'd wear it but the lime and basil is another fave of mine. I just really really don't like musky smells I'm with you with the citrus! like, stuff that reminds me of summer and fresh stuff? musk makes me feel like i'm walking into like a noughties teen clothing store i just can't hasjdakshd. like i hate lynx smells? WHY DO BOYS WEAR IT?

AHHHH OMG ok mutual blue moon love YES HELLO <3 <3 <3 I ADORE lofi jazz garage I honestly die/simp for that sound. like they dabbled a bit more with those vibes in OOAK and that's why I loved the new album so much I guess? just so so so beautiful. i just wanna drown in like the sounds of moonlight and suggestions of other things by candlelight or long city drives? does that make sense? ugh LOVE IT. getting up in my feels here hahahajsdkhasda

YAY HI TO YOUR MOM <3 I hope she's having a beautiful beautiful day too and that's getting rest as well! never worry about getting back to me late, I know you're so busy and that's always okay, love you lots and lots <3 <3 <3

-💥xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MY BEST PAL <33 hello my sweet, how have u been doing these days? i know i must sound like a record on repeat, but i miss you all the days that i don't hear from you, i'm always thinking about how you are doing ;____;

but YES after like ,,,,,,2 and a half weeks of being sick with the cold i am FINALLY over it :') it's not so much the stuffy nose during the daytime that annoys me it was the freaking clogged nose at night for the love of GOD i hate breathing with my mouth open it's so gross ;___; and sore throats ......... honestly i wouldn't wish a sore throat on my worst enemy lol like i'd rather have the flu for 2 days than a sore throat for a whole week ldkfjsdkf i'm such a baby <3

about being on holiday as a kid LOL IT WAS !!!!! the absolute best time !!! i know at some point we need to be functioning human beings in society lol but honestly at the age of like 13 where ur too young to work but u can't drive yourself anywhere ?? it's the best time (besides the driving part lol) bc you literally do not have one ounce of responsibility it's so great ;____; it's good to work and help ppl but i miss that too ....... and about our experiences with our single moms !!! pls this is all i want for her lol ; like u said nothing overly flashy but once i'm established i would like for her to live comfortably without being at the hands of someone else so i wouldn't mind like buying her a nice apartment ;____; when she was younger she traveled all the time and once i was born she coudn't do that with me bc she simply didn't have the money so she's always telling me after i graduate we should take a little trip to europe or go out west :( i think that would be so great :(((

OH GOOD OLD CATHOLIC GUILT LOL listen ..... there are a lot of things that the catholic church has done in the past that i don't agree with at all and stuff but ;____; i'm still grateful in some aspects bc my moral compass is like . a super big part of my life and it guides me to lead me away from decisions that aren't the best for me lol and i'm really grateful again for my mom for sending me to catholic school all these years :') and i think it's good to have this sense of humbleness (i hate ppl that are so boastful about themselves like truly no one cares sdjfslkf) but i do agree that catholic guilt can sometimes be a hinderance like i keep on saying i wish i had at least one ounce of self dignity SDLKFJ idk like u said it's a fine line between being humble and having no self worth :') i guess at the end of the day u need ppl surrounding u who make u feel like u are worth something and that it's okay to think positively about urself <3

honestly babe no ,,,,,, i'm not looking forward to going back to my final year of uni at all ;____; i don't know when i got like this but nursing school has literally scarred me to the point where i'm so anxious to even finish this year :( the ICU, my preceptorship, exams, finding and landing a job successfully before i graduate ???? i want it to all be over with so quickly but i'm so nervous for the future ahead of me ;____; will i get to where i am meant to be ???? i'm going to sOB IM NOT READY FSKDJFDS .............................

YAY TINY SQUAD LOL SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS !!!!!!! everyone on here is like boo hoo i'm 5'3 and im like ?????? ur inching near normal height shut up ?? SDKFJ :') truly shopping is so hard literally u can kill pants every fitting u perfectly unless u hem them and omg ??? pls explain to me what lampshading is LOL I HAVE NEVER HEARD THAT TERM BEFORE ?? :o !!!!!!!!! but also yes almost all of my sneakers are kids shoes LOL JOKES ON TALL PPL WE CAN GET THEM FOR CHEAPER <3

and about jo malone !!!!!!!!!!! the lime and basil one i've had my eye on it omg !!!!!!! bc i love love the smell of basil :) i'm actually visiting my grandparents this weekend and we are going to the mall so i'm going to finally pick up a new scent !!! i've literally had the one i told u about for 2 years LOL but i also agree everyone loves musky scents for some reason but i don't lsdkfjs i feel like those heavy scents "weigh me down" ????? do u feel that way too? it's hard to explain :')

ALSO OMG OKAY you are my blue moon ride or die now <3 have never met a mbb yet who loves blue moon as much as i do LOL it's just *mwah* perfection ........... absolute perfection like it fits all moods its fresh its lowkey it's perfect and YES YES i felt heaven kinda had the same vibe ??? not so much the dark garage jazz sound but more of the light and airy garage jazz sound LKDFJS i know that sounds dumb but it's lighter and happier but has that same lofi sound i'm obsessed with <3

okay bubbie but YEAH mom and i are healthy now we are in good spirits and we are hanging in there !! again i'm sorry for getting back so late hun really i always want to respond right away but like i always say quality over any short answer hhhh <3 i hope u have a lovely rest of the week if i don't hear from u soon okay? always sending love and hugs xxxxxxxxx !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

[moonscngsarchive]

bitch do every single one of our ships u feel like doing for that last meme thank u

i bet u thought i forgot hoe .... u rly thought huh !

 ok. .. . . besley first. 

who hogs the duvet: beck oof

who texts/rings to check how their day is going: ummmm i feel like neither? i feel like they would eventually become big on letting the other know that they were safe somewhere when they’re apart for some reason ? the inner machinations of my mind r an enigma.... but i know blake texts him stupid shit like “today is the new moon have u set and manifested your intentions” at 3:45 on a wednesday NO ONE ASKED!!! 

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts: BLAKE i’m sorry beck

who gets up first in the morning: prob beck.... blake stays up all night looking @ her real tru luv (the moon) 

who suggests new things in bed: i don’t feel like either one of them would be like “👉👈 can we....” i rly feel like they both just wing it 100% of the time

who cries at movies: blake :/ 

who gives unprompted massages: beck ?? i think. unless he had a rly rough show or smth then blake would try to be nice.  

who fusses over the other when they’re sick: this is probably a time both of them would be sweet to the other.... so i say both here. they’re the most comfortable w/ each other when one of them is weaker akdmsfaksmgadsf

who gets jealous easiest: BOTH!! but beck . it’s beck.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music: i feel like beck has secret favorites. blake takes herself too seriously fmadsfmam

who collects something unusual: i feel like beckham probably collects beer tabs or broken glass idk he scares me

who takes the longest to get ready: blake. and then she’ll just decide not to go lmao.

who is the most tidy and organised: u m blake no question

who gets most excited about the holidays: neither, they both don’t believe in commercialism/pagan tradition but i know blake puts up a xmas tree

who is the big spoon/little spoon: beck is big spoon :-)

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports: BOOOOOTHHHHHHHHH OF THEM. i feel like blake normally wouldn’t be competitive against anyone BUT beckham. 

who starts the most arguments: lmao..... it’s a toss up. a shit show luv xx

who suggests that they buy a pet: blake would just bring one home. it would be a stray with one eyeball and mange and she would be like “this is my grandma from a past life that is astral projecting into this dog and she lives here now”

what couple traditions they have: i imagine in my head on every anniversary (they probably don’t know an exact date, so rotate picking one day out of the year that they choose is their anniversary like the queen does w her bday fkasdmf) they go find an old abandoned road and try drive quick enough to see the other side of the moon or go see a show at the venue they met @ : ) idk i feel like they try. also their tradition is acting like they don’t like each other.

what tv shows they watch together: i thought abt this so hard. i know they watch unsolved mysteries, probably twin peaks. i also feel like blake likes to watch the crown to fact check everything and beck acts like he hates it but then starts asking her questions. 

what other couple they hang out with: is this... even a question. savannah & brooks ! 

how they spend time together as a couple: fighting or being really nice. no in between. also making fun of other ppl.

who made the first move: did we decide that? KMFDKSMGANS i feel like it was mutual. probably beckham though.

who brings flowers home: neither. lol

who is the best cook: blake ! i feel like she would rly try :( and beck probably burns jello 

BAVANNAH !! 

who hogs the duvet: brooks and he denies it

who texts/rings to check how their day is going: i feel like both do. they’re annoying and r probably like “how are u? where are u at today? what do u need from me?” hate them

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts: i feel like brooks would rly try but savannah would obliterate him. they probably have competitions every year and he continuously loses. 

who gets up first in the morning: brooks, for sure. he never sleeps. stays up too late and wakes up too early and has a coffee iv somwhere probably.

who suggests new things in bed: brooks most likely lmao they probably don’t have sex until they’re 36 tho

who cries at movies: my angel ms savannah . and brooks puts it on his instagram story

who gives unprompted massages: brooks, probably, just 2 ****

who fusses over the other when they’re sick: savannah !! i know it in my heart. brooks always thinks he’s dying.

who gets jealous easiest: BROOOOOOOOKS

who has the most embarrassing taste in music: savannah :/ i’m sry girly

who collects something unusual: i feel like savannah collected weird stuff as a kid fkasmdfasm idk where that vibe came from but i’m sticking w it

who takes the longest to get ready: savannah again..... mdmfmdfm

who is the most tidy and organised: SAVANNAH .A;D,FSKDF IM SORRY. brooks is privileged and had a maid i know he leaves his shit everywhere.

who gets most excited about the holidays: ok i do feel like this is both of them.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: brooks is a very secretive little spoon and makes savannah sign an NDA that she won’t tell beck

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports: brooks !! is!! very!! competitive!!!

who starts the most arguments: um .  brooks again he’s an aries

who suggests that they buy a pet: this is savannah : - ) i love her

what couple traditions they have: idk abt traditions but i feel like they probably have a lot of rituals... like he has to play w her hair for her to fall asleep or smth. now i’m emo.

what tv shows they watch together: i know they watch gilmore girls together i kNOWWW ITTTT and brooks probably made her watch breaking bad.

what other couple they hang out with: if u know u know he heh eheh

how they spend time together as a couple: very touchy feely, a lot of affirmation, naps and watching tv, probably staying up too late playing board games or watching home movies from when they were kids

who made the first move: um literally neither and that’s the worst part

who brings flowers home: brooks ! ! !

who is the best cook: savannah bc brooks is again privileged 

ok last but not least.... brasher :/ i’m scared

who hogs the duvet: they have separate duvets like europeans to avoid conflict 🥰 but brynn probably just gets underneath asher’s anyway

who texts/rings to check how their day is going: both ! i feel like both of their days are really busy, so it probably varies but i know they both do

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts: also feel like this could be both. i feel like they’re both sentimental, but brynn is probably more creative. 

who gets up first in the morning: asher for sure. brynn pulls all nighters all the time.

who suggests new things in bed: also think this is asher akmfmsadf brynn is vanilla

who cries at movies: brynn omg 

who gives unprompted massages: again i think this is brynn ? asher’s always stressed lmao

who fusses over the other when they’re sick: BOTH and they’re both big weenies

who gets jealous easiest: asher when they were younger, brynn as adults.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music: dis brynn. she still loves abba ?? ?

who collects something unusual: brynn collects 100 yr old diaries of strangers from thrift shops bc she thinks they’re romantic and asher thinks they’re all haunted

who takes the longest to get ready: probably brynn bc she procrastinates 

who is the most tidy and organised: this is probably asher. brynn is unknowinging slob, she has to be really intentional abt cleaning up after herself akdsmfaskmd her mind just moves too quick ! 

who gets most excited about the holidays: brynn x29389283. she decorates and goes all out.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: i feel like brynn is just always laying on asher somehow, idk abt cuddling but she’s just always koala’d on him. 

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports: they’re both competitive, they’re fire signs y i k e s 

who starts the most arguments: asher :( sowwy

who suggests that they buy a pet: idk why but i feel like this is asher. brynn probably is too anxious abt giving a pet a good life akmfdkamf

what couple traditions they have: date nights r probably big and they’re probably always leaving handwritten notes to each other 🥺

what tv shows they watch together: they’re probably really into limited series documentaries and get really offended when the other watches an ep without them. i also think they rly like bbc kamdfkasdmf

what other couple they hang out with: they’re hermits prob but mabye one of asher’s clients? ? ? idk.

how they spend time together as a couple: i feel like ever since they lost time while they were apart, they just like to literally be around each other even if it’s doing nothing. that made me emo adkfmadsf. they prob like going on night drives like when they were younger.

who made the first move: back in the day ?? asher for sure.

who brings flowers home: :( i feel like they both bring home things for each other. also this question feels sexist idk why

who is the best cook: i honestly don’t know bc brynn is always moving so fast and asher is rich so ... .. . i’m stumped. neither? 

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

[rouge-the-bat]

OOPS I HAD STARTED THIS THEN SAVED AS A DRAFT TO FINISH LATER BUT THEN FORGOT SO ITS. BEEN A BIT SINCE I WAS ACTUALLY TAGGED FOR THIS LMAO

ANYWAYS i was tagged by @skayforrest :'33

Rules: Please make your own text post when answering these to avoid long posts. Highlight/bold what applies to you!

for me to make it easier for me to read im going for:

bold: definitely me :3

italics: kinda me!

strikethrough: not me at All

(subscript parenthesis): my comments! (bc im very rambly lol)

also changing // between different phrases to ♡♡ to make it easier for me to distinguish between phrases too owo

♡  Appearance ♡

I am over 5’5 ♡♡ I wear glasses/contacts ♡♡ I have blonde hair ♡♡ I prefer loose clothing over tight clothing ♡♡ I have one or more piercings (my ears!) ♡♡ I have at least one tattoo (i want to get one of a drawing ive made soon tho!) ♡♡ I have blue eyes ♡♡ I have dyed or highlighted my hair (its p much back to normal now tho- and i want to dye it pink someday) ♡♡ I have gotten plastic surgery ♡♡ I have or had braces ♡♡ I sunburn easily ♡♡ I have freckles ♡♡ I paint my nails (not super often but i have fun doing it occasionally owo!) ♡♡ I typically wear makeup (i rarely do and usually its just lispstick, with maybe eyshadow and/or eyeliner) ♡♡ I don’t often smile (i can be really smiley sometimes but i dont interact with others much (esp irl) so i tend to not emote a whole lot) ♡♡ I am pleased with how I look (im cute round n chubby!!) ♡♡ I prefer nike to adidas (i literally dont care) ♡♡ I wear baseball caps backwards

♡ Hobbies & Interests ♡

I play a sport (i play... wii sports and real life bowling sometimes at most :'3) ♡♡ I can play an instrument (its been a really long time but i learned clarinet from school band) ♡♡ I am artistic ♡♡ I know more than one language (id like to learn some tho, like japanese, french, and/or korean maybe?) ♡♡ I have won a trophy in some sort of competition (never a Literal trophy :O) ♡♡ I can cook or bake without a recipe ♡♡ I know how to swim ♡♡ I enjoy writing (i like to but school has made me anxious anytime i try now ;w;) ♡♡ I can do origami ♡♡ I prefer movies to tv shows ♡♡ I can execute a perfect somersault ♡♡ I enjoy singing (exclusively for singing along, i dont really ever sing on my own lol) ♡♡ I could survive in the wild on my own ♡♡ I have read a new book series this year ♡♡ I enjoy spending time with my friends (who wouldnt!! esp with my friends, theyre amazing :'3) ♡♡ I travel during school or work breaks (id like to travel more..) ♡♡ I can do a handstand

♡ Relationships ♡

I am in a relationship (my girlfriend is so wonderful 🥰) ♡♡ I have been single for over a year (been dating my gf for almost 2 full years now!) ♡♡ I have a crush (fictional crushes count right? bc i have a million of those lol) ♡♡ I have a best friend I have known for ten years ♡♡ My parents are together ♡♡ I have hooked up with my best friend (thats meaning sexual right? bc im sex repulsed and so is my gf whos my best friend so, absolutely not lol) ♡♡ I am adopted ♡♡ My crush has confessed to me (im p much always the first to confess lol) ♡♡ I have had a long-distance relationship (hopefully someday tho it wont be long distance :'3) ♡♡ I am an only child (dear god no i have. 1 full brother, 3 half brothers, 1 half sister, and 2 or 3 step brothers gjkxjfk) ♡♡ I give advice to my friends (im not the best with advice but i try when i can!!) ♡♡ I have made an online friend (all of my current friends are online!) ♡♡ I met up with someone I have met online (GOD I WISH)

♡ Aesthetics ♡

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell ♡♡ I have watched the sunrise (many times, after being awake all night bc im p mych nocturnal lol) ♡♡ I enjoy rainy days (god i love rain so much) ♡♡ I have slept under the stars (iirc im p sure ive slept in a tent for going camping before ??? but my memory sucks so im not sure if that happened or i just always wanted to gjkdjg) ♡♡ I meditate outside (maybe i should try that sometime..) ♡♡ The sound of chirping calms me ♡♡ I enjoy the smell of the beach (ive been to a beach just a couple times.. i dont remember what it smelled like) ♡♡ I know what snow tastes like (i eat snow EVERY time it snows here, esp to make snow cream) ♡♡ I listen to music to fall asleep (on occasion! always instrumental stuff, sometimes meant for relaxing or sometimes just a comfort song from a game i love) ♡♡ I enjoy thunderstorms ♡♡ I enjoy cloud watching ♡♡ I have attended a bonfire ♡♡ I pay close attention to colors (ofc ! i love colors and graphic design is my passion- but like Actually, im not quoting the meme lol) ♡♡ I find mystery in the ocean ♡♡ I enjoy hiking on nature paths (would REALLY need to be in the mood for it) ♡♡ Autumn is my favourite season (close ! i love the chilly air and aesthetic of autumn as well, but winter is my ultimate comfort season <3)

♡ Miscellaneous ♡

I can fall asleep in moving vehicles ♡♡ I am the mom friend (mom friend mode can activate on Occasion, but usually im silly bastard friend) ♡♡ I am involved in extracurricular activities (im not in school) ♡♡ I enjoy mexican food ♡♡ I can drive a stick-shift (i still havent learned how to drive yet owo;;) ♡♡ I believe in true love (probably not in a typical sense?) ♡♡ I make up scenarios to fall asleep (oh no, i make up scenarios constantly in my head throughout the day, i get way too invested in them so they usually keep me up if i think about them when trying to sleep) ♡♡ I sing in the shower ♡♡ I wish I lived in a superhero movie (i def wanna live in some fictional worlds, but superhero movies arent things im usually into) ♡♡ I have a canopy above my bed ♡♡ I am multiracial (im not super familiar with my ancestry rn, so idk. would like to know sometime tho) ♡♡ I am a redhead ♡♡ I own at least 3 dogs/cats (rn i have 2 dogs and 3 cats!)

and uhhh ill tag @spiiderbiites @miphelda @kipokin @queerplyke @ameila if yall wanna do it :3? (if yalld like i can go thru n supply a version of this without all of my font edits and comments!) AH WHOOPS I GOT A URL MESSED UP BUT XENOLEAF U CAN DO TOO IF U WANT

[ohsweetflips]

yeah i feel that. ive been having trouble with keeping up w/ work during quarantine, and ive been pushing down the stress abt it so much that when i saw a picture of a worm today my early childhood fear of worms came back from the dead and i had a breakdown. being stressed is really weird sometimes hskfkskf

god yeah.......... not to be Real on main bc i hate talking abt my feelings outside of making fun of them but like akjdjkdsjk spending at least a portion of every single day anxious is Wild bc ive gotten used to the anxiety of schoolwork and how i feel like im not gonna complete any of it, and also my many other anxieties and etc etc etc. but the fear of not catching a blue marlin? or a snapping turtle? almost ruined my night totally!

[asrasotherbottom]

First, I hope you get all the support and love you deserve dear. ^^ You are FANTASTIC! Second, I am clinically depressed with high anxiety. How would the six handle someone with those qualities? The fretting and low, days where you want to disappear, worrying that no one really cares it just an act?

Thank you!

I’m writing this based on my experiences and the experiences of those close to me, and i 100% understand those aren’t universal. and my interpretations of the characters are not Law or universal. I just wanna say blanketly, that I hope youre doing alright and that you also get the support and love you deserve and that you are safe. Content warning for suicidal ideation (that feeling where youd rather just not exist without like A Desire to act), anxiety, depression. Under a readmore so please take care of yourself and don’t click if you might be negatively effected by reading about this also its long as hell.  

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386.

Asra:

- His heart literally aches with you

-Brings you tea in bed for days that you cant leave bed either because depression or because anxiety

-Will sit with you for hours just so you’re not alone, even if youre feeling awful. 

-Cares 50000% less about the shop than he does about you, and if youre having a bad brain day he will just lock up and sit with you and hold your hand. 

-Will encourage you to get out a little if you can, maybe for a nice walk in the woods to collect mushrooms with him because sometimes getting out and doing something helps. 

-Is good at finding secluded secret ways to get around bc fuck people. 

-He’s bffs with Muriel so hes pretty good with dealing with self loathing and anxiety already. 

-Asra i think has a really good response to the “nobody cares and its just an act” because his magic mark will just glow when he puts his hand over your heart and its really hard to argue with “made a deal with the devil to resurrect you” if the argument is “nobody actually cares” and that was 100% his choice and hes not afraid to tell you that. 

-Can, will, wants to, just ramble at you at length about how much he loves you and exactly why and will spend hours refuting your arguments which is tiring but maybe helps you feel a little better by the end. 

-If things are just So Bad? If you want to disappear? he’ll nap with you just to be close to you and keep you safe.

-Will bring you to his oasis to walk around and help keep you safe if you really just want to disappear and he’ll try to cheer you up there which is admittedly mostly just pointing at tiny weird magic bugs and stars (but at least your body is safe). 

-Deep deep down he’s still the person who brought his mom a button when she was sick so he’ll try anything to cheer you up. Faust too. 

-He’ll even talk to Julian to see if he knows anything or anything to ease your pain a little. 

-Will sit and just Listen to all your pain and be just Present for you. 

-He loves you more than life itself and will definitely be receptive to anything you say about things that might help.

Julian-

-Extremely similar hat. 

-But goddamnit if you made HIM feel better about being alive and worthy and deserving of love, he is absolutely going to return the favor. 

-Anxiety? he knows all the back alleys to avoid people

-Doesn’t mind staying home from the rowdy raven to sit with you if youre too anxious to go. 

-If you need a small dark quiet place to be alone and calm down? Hes got just the place (the hole at maz’s and he’ll even come in with you if you want because it makes you smile to see you both try to cram in there)

-Depression or anxiety making food hard? Some of maz’s soup will fix you right up.

-You find him in the middle of the night pouring over medical texts about depression and anxiety, looking for anything to help you at all. 

-He’ll sit up with you on nights that you cant sleep because of anxiety or because youre just too sad. 

-He’ll definitely lay in bed with you while you cry. 

-He found someone who truly and entirely loves him and he will cling to you for dear life, and tell you all the things he loves about you whenever you need or want to hear them. 

-He probably is gonna try a leech at least once. 

-Brings you to the docks at night because its calm and peaceful and away from everything. 

-After his upright end he definitely learned the importance of a support system and isnt afraid to enlist it to help keep you happy and safe. 

Nadia-

- Shes extremely concerned that someone who lights up her entire life can be so sad. 

-But shes not about to sit back and do Nothing. 

-She can and will cancel any event or meeting if it means she can sit in bed with you and hold you while you cry or if her presence with you soothes some of your anxiety. 

-She’ll bring you to her contemplation tower if you need a place to just get away from everything thats making you anxious. 

-Will also bring you to the magical realms to help keep you safe and help cheer you up. 

-Enlists the finest doctors that she can find if you’d like. 

-She’ll take long baths with you where you two can just sit in the hot water and you can cry while she strokes your hair. 

-If you feel like shes just faking her affections towards you then expect a bit of a surprised scoff followed by a 4 hour powerpoint presentation about every single thing she loves about you and how you make her feel 

-You feel like youre not good enough? “I’m the fucking countess and i could have had literally anyone in vesuvia or beyond but i want you” 

-Will pick you up and spin you if she sees you smile because shes just so happy to see you happy. 

-Horseback riding as a way to help clear your head and escape anxiety is a given. 

-Shes really attentive to making sure you stay fed, in fresh clothes, and bathed, even during bad depressive times so that it doesnt pile on to your bad feelings.

Muriel-

-If not same hat then EXTREMELY similar hat

-Lives in the forest so hes all about that avoiding social anxiety life. 

-If you ever feel unsafe Inanna can and will lay entirely on top of you. 

-Feeding chickens and petting inanna as anxiety relief for both of you. 

-He’ll definitely hold you against his chest or with your head in his lap while you cry if you need it. 

-Muriel hates seeing you sad, and doesnt always know exactly what to do or say but he’ll make you eggs all the time to make sure youre still eating when youre sad. 

-Will remind you that youre like the only person hes ever truly let in to his heart and he doesnt want to lose you.

-Will also remind you that he gave you the myrrh voluntarily because he….wants you to remember him. hes never wanted to be remembered before. he never asked for it back. 

- He really empathizes with wanting to disappear but he doesnt want that when hes with you and he wants to work hard to help you feel the same way with him. 

-Long quiet walks in the forest together. 

-He’ll take you stargazing and tell you all the things he loves about the beauty of the forest and the stars…and you. 

-Big Hugs for Big Sads

-Enlists asra and nadia’s help if he feels he needs it, but he cares about you enough that he’d willingly seek out help for you. 

Portia-

-Yeets pepi at you Like A Football. 

-”Peep?? Peep Peep”

-Youre gonna feel better if it kills her. 

-Gardening to help with sadness, touching dirt always helps. She’ll spend hours with you in the garden, helping you create like beauty with your hands. 

-Chase the goddamn cockatoo with a broom to make you smile. 

-Enlist’s Maz and Maz’s soup as well. 

-Helps you find secret passageways to hide in when your anxiety is too much. 

-Too sad to leave bed? Portia will carry you and your blanket. 

-Is having none of that “oh what if you dont actually love me” business. She’s super used to Julian’s self loathing and depression that shes moved on to slightly tougher love. 

-She loves you and shes going to keep telling you that and shes not going anywhere. 

-She gets soft when you cry though and will cling to you for dear life and not move for hours. 

-”How dare you talk about the person i love like that” - Portia, to you, when you talk about reasons you hate yourself. 

-Cries with you though. 

-Doesn’t like when she has to go to work when you’re in a bad mental space so shes asks nadia for you to have just a nice room in the palace reserved for you that you can lay in so she can come check on you during the day. 

-Shes great for bad anxiety days because she has no problem doing social interactions for you. The thought of going to buy some herbs brings you to tears? No problem, she has no idea what herbs shes buying but shes Gonna Do It. 

-The strength of Portias hugs is liable to just squeeze the depression right out of you along with also your internal organs probably. 

Lucio-

-”How can you be depressed?? You’re dating ME, the COUNT! ……….Can I help?”

-He definitely tries to use his sex appeal to lighten your mood, it probably works sometimes (or at least gets a laugh out). 

-Gets extremely startled when you cry but holds you tight against him. 

-Cancels meetings, cancels plants, cancels the entirety of the Vesuvia if he has to in order to stay in bed with you when youre having a bad depression day. 

-You can cry into M&M’s fur as long as you’re not wearing any makeup :P

-Gets worried and hides the pointy tips for his gauntlet. 

-Absolutely having none of the “nobody really cares and its just an act” hes the COUNT! He could have anyone anytime he wanted! You were the first warmth and compassion he felt in years! The first person to really actually love him for /him/! he gets way more emotional than he plans to but he feels very strongly about this

- 4 hour powerpoint presentation on all the reasons hes into you

-Tries really hard to find material things that will help your mood. Gold? Silk? Furs? Sweets? Watching fistfights? Anything?

- He knows what its like to really disappear and hes not about to let that happen to you. 

-He’ll never admit it to anyone but you but hes clinging to you with everything he has and he will work tirelessly to help support you. 

-”Will petting my hair help you relax”

-Ropes Julian, Nadia,and Asra into things to help you, but they dont mind because its You theyre helping really. 

-Anxiety? “Oh don’t worry, I’ll make /sure/ all eyes are on me” it maybe doesnt help exactly as intended but watching him be ridiculous eases the tension a little. 

-Deep deep down he knows in his soul Deep Sadness and it makes him surprisingly good at supporting you. 

i hope this was what you wanted!!!! 

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know i think the whole reason i haven’t been bothered to start dating is bc over the years, i’ve just become comfortable with being on my own all the time. like I don’t feel the pressure to always have a partner and I feel like if I ever start dating at any point..... I don’t feel like i’d easily forget who i am and just make myself 1000% like that person. like obvs i have absolutely no idea whether that’d happen or not.

but I just feel like i won’t.... like i would’ve if I’d started dating much much earlier, like in high school, for example.... where i ended up posting a “im so lonely and sick of being single” etc type status at one point.... partly bc i was really lonely at 16 and also bc well... as a joke bc everyone had to post at least one of those statuses during high school lmao.

then there’s also me not just throwing myself at any chance to get fucked by creepy guys like “let me give you sex lessons in the back of my car” guy or bar creeper weasel mcfuck guy..... all because of the pressure that those fucking creepy dudes were giving me bc i kept refusing their advances.... and i also refused to just fuck anyone bc that’s just what you’re supposed to do in your late teens (sex lessons guy) and well into your 20s (bar creeper weasel mcfuck guy) apparently. but no. i have my fucking standards. and those creeps didn’t fucking meet them. so i had every fucking right to continually reject them and stay single.

and besides the point, im just so used to being on my own now that if someone came in to be my partner; they’d have to be fucking okay with me being me.... and except that i won’t give myself up entirely to become exactly like them or whatever. I know who I am (mostly) and why should I fucking sacrifice that for some stupid ass dude????

and also now, i will never take the dumbass line of “oh I’ll fix this dude bc he’s so broken and that’ll fix me too!!!” like i thought when i was depressed and anxious in 2011 and had a really bad and kind of obsessive crush on one of the hella popular dudes in my year at catholic school. because i now know that love doesn’t fix people fully. and if any dude pulls that act on me, im happy to fucking leave as soon possible. because it’s his job to fix himself through therapy with a fucking professional therapist; and not some random woman that they pick up off of a dating app’s responsibility.... to pick up his broken pieces and build him up and all that bullshit that shitty dudes I know share on fb all the time.

anyway yeah. my point is that im happy on my own now bc im so used to being single.... that if I ever started dating I wouldn’t forget who I am and think that I have to completely change myself for the sake of the other person and become exactly like them; like I would’ve when I was younger. and that i also just feel comfortable being single now and that it’d be so strange to have a partner that likes me lmao.... but they’d have to accept me as i am bc I’ve accepted who i am and I won’t change (mostly) for anyone, other than for myself.

like yes I know you change in relationships... and that you learn different things about yourself and other people during the time you spent in those relationships. and I also know that you learn skills like negotiation and compromise etc in relationships. but you also learn 1,000 things about yourself when you don’t date too early...... and don’t fall into the pressure of “hook up culture” that’s so hardly pushed on people from 18-25, bc of tinder becoming huge in the 2010s. you learn 1000 things from all the different people you reject because you realise that you have standards; and that those said people don’t meet them (even if they seem ridiculous to other people). you learn that you’ve kept yourself safe from people that don’t give a fuck about you. you also learn relationship skills in this process as well.

like I learnt from my stalker in 2012, that I could do far better than him and all of his abusive/controlling behaviours and tendencies.... and his constant habit of painting me as a weak and defenceless woman that he had to save & protect all the time. on his side however, i was basically his manic pixie dream girl who had to fix him instead. I learnt from him that neither of those archetypes were desirable to base a relationship on. after all, i was on the road to fix myself.... and if I’d let this bs get to an actual relationship..... i knew it would’ve damn near killed me, and not him.

i knew that “I’ll give you sex lessons in the back of my car” dude was a cunt in 2014...... bc not only did he not care about my sexual safety and not accept any of my refusals for his said “sex lessons”..... he did not respect that i wanted to be called by my either of my names, and not the names that he deemed to be “much easier and more respectful” to have..... because they were both typical white girl names (Gwen or Alannah instead of gwladys or ilona). and then, obviously, he was one of the many guys that were angry at me bc i refused to lose my virginity by 15 like “normal people”. I knew that a decent dude would accept that I wanted to be called by MY ACTUAL FUCKING NAME/S and not ones suggested by them so they could deem me “more socially acceptable” to them. I knew that a respectful dude wouldn’t give me the “you should’ve fucked someone by the time you were 15!!” etc etc lecture that this fuckwad gave me.

I learnt from bar creeper weasel mcfuck in 2017, that again, I could do far better.... but also that his behaviours were fucking creepy and not normal. because surely no honest & decent man would try to confiscate/steal etc a fucking grown woman’s phone in a bar/pub just because she keeps refusing his kisses/grindings on the dancefloor????? and also feels the need to escape his shitty behaviour???? and also because he was angry at her bc she rang someone else to take her home.... instead of wanting to go back to his place???? like a decent dude would accept those choices, right???

I knew by this time that his behaviour of constantly separating me from my friends so that they couldn’t see/hear his disgusting comments and behaviour was manipulative as fuck.... as much as his overly forceful tendency that night; to try and get me to smile and try to control my behaviour to make it look like I was “having fun” on his terms, and not mine..... with comments like: “why the fuck don’t you fucking smile??? why the fuck don’t you look like you’re having a good time??? fucking smile for me bitch!” I knew by 22, that this was toxic fucking behaviour and not a behaviour that I wanted in lover/partner. I knew that if I couldn’t tolerate this treatment during that entire night... then I couldn’t tolerate it for an entire relationship.

I knew in literally the first 3 minutes of talking to him.... where I was supposed to let him look at my phone over my shoulder all the time... while I was banned from looking at his phone except from adding him on fb..... and that he expected me not to be offended by demeaning comments about me doing an arts degree.... but I was then supposed to wholly support him wanting to “study fashion” when he literally dressed like he’d rolled out of a fucking dumpster in the 2000s..... and literally fucking smelt like it as well.... and other troubling shit that I’ve written whole novel-length posts about on this hellsite about him lmao. but you get my point. I knew in these few first minutes to an hour, that he was not someone that I’d like to sleep with/have a relationship with etc etc. we just didn’t fucking mesh. he disgusted me. and I infuriated him by just existing and wanting to leave him behind without a “girl to score with” that night.

I knew I deserved better than him, despite his godawful comments and behaviour and his ultimate belief that I’d stoop so low to go home with him that night and fuck him.... and let him treat me like shit (bc i was scared of him that whole night tbh) for the whole time he did so, was fucking laughable. no. I will not fuck you, man who thinks it’s attractive to tell a woman that “I just can’t help but grab your pussy in that dress!!! bc you’re soooo sexy in that dress! it’s your fault you’re so sexy in that dress!!! fucking kiss me! why the fuck won’t you kiss me???!”. i knew deep down in myself that I could do so much fucking better than him and that i should never go home with a dude that treats me like im 16 and not 22 (at the time). I knew that I would never feel or be safe around this guy, with the way he wanted to confiscate/steal my phone from me and practically leave me completely stranded with him all night... to enforce some monitoring of my behaviour on his watch only, and not mine.

so. to conclude. don’t listen to anyone who tells you that the only way you learn about life is when you’re in a long-lasting & hopefully wholly healthy long-term relationship.... or when you have a long term slutty phase whereby you just date anyone for the sake of dating anyone so that you can fuck around with no strings attached...... or just by being in shitty relationships/shitty situationships; just because you feel like you have to be in them because everyone around you are relationships or going through their 20s slutty phases/situationship phases.

because you learn just as much about yourself and your expectations and standards in partners...... by the way of the people that you reject, and their treatment of you when you constantly rebuff them. you realise your worth and the treatment that you really deserve from the shittiest people..... who try their godawful manipulative tactics on you in the first few hours that you’ve met them physically or talked to them online.

[inkskinned]

literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-. 

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound. 

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it 

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it 

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression. 

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost. 

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed 

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried