#bc I’m normal and healthy and have no mental illness

[fifizero]

I think I care enough about vintage story atm and my world that I am going to actually find a more suitable place to live more permanently. The only issue is that I’ve set up everything rn and my rabbits are there….but I haven’t spent the time to build my house yet idk

[ilovebeingt4t]

a (not) little rant about total drama’s portrayal of dissociative identity disorder in ROTI and AS

a few little tidbits before we get into the juice…

-i don’t have DID ! i have a dissociation disorder and i’ve done a lot of research on DID, but that obviously doesn’t mean i know as much as someone in a system would. if i make any mistakes or you want to add/correct anything, please do !

-since there isn’t an official name for the system as a whole, i’m gonna use “mike system” to refer to mike, chester, svetlana, vito, manitoba, and mal as a system

-before anyone says it, i know it’s “just a kids’ show” but it’s a kids’ show i’m insane and not normal about. so i’m very passionate about this. also kids’ shows should still be normal about mental illnesses/disabilities so idc

alright stinkers… let’s get into it

ok ! mike systems DID in ROTI isn’t GOOD representation but it isn’t like. the worst out there compared to some other media. some huge positives are the way the alters have actual triggers, and that everyone in the system IS portrayed as their own person, not just an extension or part of mike. i interpret the “gasp” the body does with switches as a stand in for dissociation (since they couldn’t really have him just sit there and stare into space bc of plot/time reasons) and it’s very easy to assume the role of everyone in the system from their personalities and triggers. the best example of this to me is vito ! vito is a “tough guy” who’s triggered to front by his shirt coming off, it’s easy to put the pieces together and assume his role is a protector who formed due to sexual abuse.

obviously, the use of the outdated term multiple personality disorder, the very quick switches, the fact the writers obviously did not actually research DID and just wanted a silly crazy character, and probably more i’m forgetting rn, are NOT issues to just ignore because of the good stuff. it’s definitely NOT good or super accurate representation by any means, but i don’t think it’s exactly super bad either. it’s iffy but has redeeming qualities to it.

another plus about mike system in ROTI, even though this isn’t really part of the portrayal of DID as a disorder, is that mike has a love interest that isn’t written as a joke. i feel like having mike in a romantic relationship is a BIG positive representation wise. it’s really important to me that even though zoey is confused and weirded out when she didn’t know what was going on, once she found out mike was part of a system she became more understanding and didn’t give up on him. being part of a system doesn’t mean you can’t have a partner, friends, etc and mike being in a wholesome healthy relationship is a nice breath of fresh air compared to other media portraying DID.

NOW. LETS ADDRESS MAL AND ALL STARS. GOOD LORD.

all stars has an issue with watering down characters and making poor plot/character choices in general, and in my opinion it’s the worst with mike system. ROTI had questionable at times but ok DID rep with mike system, which is why it’s so disappointing that AS took the “evil alter” route and whatever the hell the button thing was… bc they were SO close with having ok representation and then they threw it all away for an overdone and harmful stereotype. mike system in ROTI is a MASTERPIECE compared to whatever the hell was going on in AS.

even when you take into account that in a real life system, mal is most similar to the role of a persecutor (an alter who sabotages the body’s relationships and causes harm to the body/other alters as a way to “protect” everyone in their eyes (oops ! i was wrong. a persecutor isn’t always a protector, however they can take the role of a persecutor and protector which is where i got confused. mal is a both a persecutor and protector to me)) which makes SOME of his actions explainable TO AN EXTENT, it’s clear the writers didn’t have that intent and just wanted a spooky evil alter, which is really disappointing. along with the button issue, which is just…. so insane….

i choose to believe for my own sanity that the button was sort of an emergency temporary dormancy button and that chester fr just lied/didn’t know and made something up. but that obviously isn’t canon, and IN CANON the body’s trauma and serious disorder was literally gone because of the PRESS OF A BUTTON and it is absolutely ridiculous. and it’s portrayed as a GOOD THING.

systems are systems because it is the only way the body and brain can maintain stability and live after serious repeated trauma. in a real situation with a system, if there was somehow a way to get rid of alters in literal seconds, the consequences would be ABSOLUTELY DISASTROUS and unstable. obviously, integration and dormancy CAN be a good thing depending on the system, but it is a LOOONG and complicated process and watering it down to the press of a button in your brain is so inappropriate and insensitive. literally why did they do that. it’s just so disappointing to go from what mike system was in roti to what they became in all stars.

sorry u guys i am just passionate about this

[hotvampireadjacent]

I am very healthy compared to unemployed era but random wave of anxiety and depression to prove even tho I’m manageable I’m still mentally ill for life. I don’t say that to despair over the fact just I guess. Things have been pretty normal I didn’t think about it too much. I’ll be ok bc things have been good over all. Just. A wave of sadness and anxiety

Sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone in general.

[yourturntosimp]

Hey i recently got into yttd and i absolutely ADORE your account. May i request a (yandere of course) shin hcs for when you talk back or blow up at him. Because he's very weak i imagine he wont be able to do any physical punishments. Like maybe he does some psychological torture?

(Any pronouns work!)

A/N: ok so we’ve all accepted atp that i’m an on-and-off writer and that part of the process is disappearing for months and coming back w a post, right? right, cool,,,,,anyways theres sm more i wanna add to this one bc i got inspo from a rlly good book + some good fics i found on ye olde quotev but my typing couldnt keep up w my brain <//3 

TWs: uhhhh idk, gaslighting, police mention, manipulation? Idk if ths what it is, isolation, violence/abuse mention, forced dependency, mental illness mention (idk if ths a tw but wvr), medication mention

💻tbh at first, he becomes a bit genuinely worried

💻i mean, it’s not like he wouldn’t expect you to not lash out at all

💻all healthy couples have little spats, from time to time! 

💻but a part of him kinda thought that he’d be able to keep you docile enough that you’d return his feelings, and this entire thing could be avoided :(

💻that paired with the fact that it was such an extreme reaction, too,,,,

💻all he did was “fix” your phone a bit so that your calls & texts wouldn’t go to anyone besides himself and any family that you have, is all!

💻but really, it was for your own good

💻if you could see all those mean things your ‘friends’ were saying about you, about your relationship in their other group chats? 

💻you would be devastated!

💻he was only helping you out a bit

💻seems like you’re kinda overreacting, it wasn’t that bad :////

💻yeah so once gaslight gatekeep girlboss goes out the window, he’s rlly left with no choice;

💻if you’re so angry at him, then leave!

💻go carry out your normal life before you met him!

💻Except with just one phone call, he’s got people all over town on the lookout for you, and actual help from law enforcement out of the question

💻after all, as far as the police & everyone else in town knows, you’re his poor poor darling, sick in the head, whose been refusing to take their medication for quite some time after suffering a traumatic incident

💻and you’ve suddenly run off! how tragic :(

💻and those blunt force trauma injuries that you “mysteriously” woke up with, after getting a bit too violent for his liking in the midst of your little outburst?

💻those aren’t helping your case <//3

💻so yyyyeah,,,,add nobody to believe you to the list of problems you currently have

💻even your family would be reluctant to take your word

💻after all, Shin is such a nice boy! And you haven’t been acting quite right, everyone’s worried for you, yknow??

💻you could never tell them that yeah, you’ve been acting weird because you’re basically being forced to stay with an obsessive stalker

💻they wouldn’t believe you before, they won’t believe you now

💻you can yell at him all you want, but at the end of the day, he’s the only person who you have

💻and even if you don’t want to accept that….well, you’ll come around eventually <3

[driede42]

Ok but real quick. I hardly post so imma just add to my chaotic and eclectic theme I got going.

Context: I was chatting with my therapist (as one does) and she nade a comment that’s really stuck with me. After burning out while doing social work and going back into food service, I took a predictable pay cut. Due to that and how I apparently measure my own worth with my financial stability, it’s been a little rough. Do I measure anyone else’s like that? No. Just some weird, leftover shit from childhood I haven’t been able to quite shake when it comes to myself.

I was on my normal frustration rut of feeling less than because I have some credit card debt and 0 savings due to a series of stupid things/not limited to difficulty working a physical non salaried job with chronic health stuff. I’ve had anxiety and depression at minimum for most of my life.

Never once have I looked at myself and said “yes I am a resilient person who has endured hell and high water, mere weeks away from getting my own apartment where I will not have a roommate at all”. Instead I was like. Hey I hate that my bank account is dodgy right now due to life and it’s hard as fuck to budget correctly working an hourly wage job with no paid time off and chronic fatigue/pain etc.

And this woman. This amazing, incredible woman who has known me over 10 years and knows all the players in my life etc. paused for a moment once I finished rambling about how I did not think I was resilient at all bc of x, y, z.

In reference to my childhood and adulthood thus far: “You have gotten through some of the hardest things in life and still are able to create and maintain healthy relationships. You have multiple life long friendships, care for your pets and are in a healthy, long distance relationship. I think you’re incredibly strong AND resilient.”

And like. Damn ok. Food for thought. I’m not the most successful of my siblings or rally members. I feel like I’m constantly just barely getting my shit together. And yet this professional who has like 25 years of experience as a therapist in every setting really was like no no. Resilience isn’t just coming out of hard times unscathed. I always figured my mental illness meant that I was not even close to being able to handle the small things (I’m minimizing) life had thrown at me. And yet.

Idk. Grats on making it this far if you read this and your name doesn’t rhyme with Carc 😂.

Toodles 🫶

(With Love - That Side Bitch)

[melonlthawne]

You are wonderful. You are doing an amazing job.

I love seeing your baby Barts (and your baby Thads) and your normal ages Barts too.

Your art style is actually one of my favorites— it’s full of simple passion. You can see how much you try and attempt and accomplish. I love that.

I hope nursing school is going well. I know you are really stressed. Im hoping you are getting rest when you can. Please remember to drink water, and eat food. Something with protein and carbs.

Remember to take time to decompress, and socialize outside of work/school time (if you have the time).

You are really awesome. I wish we were friends, but I am WAY too nervous to DM you. You’re just,,, really really cool and I love your art and I worry about you sometimes. Just. Please keep yourself healthy and safe and stuff?

Thanks!

— ☀️⚡️ anon

This was really sweet to wake up to. I appreciate it so much!!!!!

The last week or so has been rly tough just cause it’s been awhile since I had so much work and less free time and it’ll be worth it in the end but it’s definitely a lot harder than I expected. I need to find a good balance of staying on top of learning and not burning myself out cause it’s just leading to tons of anxiety. I’m rly trying to work on regulating my anxiety shit cause some days / nights especially it gets hard. If I ever post too much about it y’all could let me know. This blog shouldn’t be 25 percent Bart and then 75 percent my drama. Anyway you’re really sweet and I really hope one day you get the courage to msg me bc you seem awesome and I really am just a mentally ill queer person who likes Bart

[wlwanakin]

since you said to be more specific if i wanted to know more then can you talk abt what youve mapped out of grells and madams relationship? redcliff is my otp so i would love to hear what you think of the red murder wives

ok so!! my biggest thing w them is that to me they are just. horrible for each other. they are soulmates they are tied together by the red string of fate but god is it unhealthy. like if u build a relationship off of brutally murdering ppl ur not gonna have a healthy dynamic i’m sawrry (ESPECIALLY when it ends with murder. u don’t kill ur gf that casually if ur relationship is healthy). there’s so little content of them but the bits we see seem pretty tumultuous (i base a lot off that one rainbow butler one shot bc that shit was so gay but sooo toxic it’s scrumptious) so i just run with it! they’re both very mentally ill and homicidal that shit was doomed from the start

the whole relationship like a slow build from their first meeting bc anne is immediately like Live With Me and they’re inexplicably drawn to each other (read: horny) but it’s a slow evolution from yearning and going marginally insane and probably like drunk making out they refuse to talk abt after to insane love confessions and kinda just running with the idea that they’re basically married. and the whole time it’s just a constant flux between desperately needing each other always and divorce worthy fighting. so much divorce worthy fighting.

grell falls HARD like really fucking hard like despite being the world’s worst gf she’s also more invested. she has insane tunnel vision for anne like she abandoned her whole life for her so ofc she does!! it’s a genuine obsession and it’s so unhealthy and she’s desperately needy and anytime it feels like it may be crumbling she goes hard on trying to sabotage bc she will not leave until the bridge is burnt to fucking ASH (she’s also insanely impulsive abt it like the minute she regains common sense she’s just like “why did i do that” and then wants to rekill herself so bad).

anne is very very infatuated but she’s kind of the normaler party in the sense that she can have a life outside of grell (and grell does not like that). she’s a workaholic abt the murder and also about the Being An Aunt and she’s having a crisis of morality at all times and this makes her very preoccupied but also lowkey without grell she’d kill herself. grell is like her key to being able to live with herself morally it’s like. “no one will love me with how horrible i’m being but this bitch not only loves me but also condones my atrocities!! if she leaves me i’m blowing up the world.” but the thing is she’s confident enough that grell Won’t leave her to not be as invested in her. and she’s also not afraid to be a frigid bitch when she’s pissed at her and can be so extremely hot and cold about everything it’s absolutely insanity inducing.

they’re stuck in this insane loop of being madly in love, anne kinda zoning out of everything and getting cold, grell vying for attention via acting out or manipulation or cheating or something, Big Fight, and then back to being madly in love and they NEVER WANNA STOP bc they understand each other so deeply and fundamentally in a way no one else ever will!! they enable the worst parts of each other and they feel so safe with each other. they’re each other’s home but god that home is the worst place you’ve ever stepped foot in.

there’s also an internalized homophobia layer going on for sure that definitely does not help things. esp bc anne was probably grell’s bi awakening. i always write madam red as a lesbian who has already unpacked that and dealt with it so while she has like. period typical internalized homophobia it’s way less of a Thing for her. but for grell it’s just like Oh God What Is Happening Why Do I Want To Live In Her Skin What Are The Gender Implications Of This I Am Having A Bad Time!! so like the double whammy of a full blown sexuality crisis and first time doing commitment r driving her a little insane the whole time.

it also makes grell nerfing anne a lot less random in my brain. she just snapped in that moment and it was a 2.5 year buildup of frustration that she just let loose bc she felt like she was being rejected and like all her fears of abandonment were being confirmed and she kinda just lost it. i don’t even think she fully gets why she did it tbh it kinda just happened and she ran with it and processed it all two hours later and was like “oh shit i’m going to pretend that won’t make me wanna die forever” but it’s also just a response to a constant pattern of Fucking Everything Up So Bad Now, Kiss And Make Up Later except oopsies it was fatal this time!!!

basically when the relationship is good it’s perfect and idealistic and amazing in every way and when it’s bad it’s the worst fucking relationship you’ve ever seen. it’s a mess they’re a mess it’s so fun!!

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello ! This is pukey Saeyoung anon.

I’m comin off anon bc honestly that shit is too much work. Pretty sure being sick this long has fried any last sense of inhibition or shame in my brain and I think everyone deserves to know how much I love Saeyoung smh. The extent to which that is my Mans. I will publicly gush if I so please. 😤😤

Plus! I’m pleased to report that I haven’t actually thrown up in about two weeks! So like. Hashtag recovery life I guess. 💀

But that’s what I came here to update you about. :’D

I feel like I kinda left you with a cliffhanger there with the whole bone cancer thing. (If it makes you feel any better, the hospital did too 👁👄👁)

November was very much,,, a terrible horrible no good very bad type of month. I spent nearly two weeks waiting for them to get back to me about my dumb bone marrow autopsy only for them to cancel my appointment last minute. And in the meantime I was just getting sicker and sicker… I ended up in and out of the hospital again a couple times,, but by the third time I was scared to go back bc the second time I went they didn’t even admit me overnight. They basically just charged me $700 to take a four hour nap. And cha boy doesn’t have that kinda money. 😭

But it got to the point that I really physically couldn’t take it anymore… I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my entire life. Which unfortunately with the life I’ve had,, that’s a high ass bar lmao.

And it was just CONSTANT… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t look at any screens. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stand. I was literally too weak to even pull a blanket up over myself. I literally was spending every night sobbing/shivering/barfing myself to sleep. It was baaaaaaad.

Luckily my roommate at this point had probably started to get annoyed by hearing me crying from pain all night and was like “dude I’m taking you to the hospital again”

And my third hospital visit !! They FINALLY gave me an answer as to wtf is going on!

Good news is…? Not bone cancer. I don’t have to enter my Deadpool era Quite yet.

Bad news…? Apparently I’ve got fuckin Lupus 🤡

Which is super cute and fun because,, you know. Incurable lifelong chronic illness. I’m literally gonna be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. :)

But like. It’s a perfectly livable disease. As long as it’s, you know. Actually being taken care of and treated. Which I now have enough info to actually do haha.

(Hit the self-loathing so hard that even my own fuckin immune system was like, oh shit we gotta take this bitch DOWN 💀)

I’m soooo glad to be home and back from the hospital… but it’s been very strange too. I’m still really sick and I can’t really do much on my own and,,, my brain physically doesn’t know how to process being like,, taken care of. Honestly it kinda sets off alarm bells in my brain 😳 but I’ve had to accept pretty damn quickly that,, I don’t really have a choice rn. I’m so used to just being on my own pushing through all my pain and just. Waiting till it goes away on its own. But if I do that in this case… the pain will just get worse and my body will quite literally shut down on me and I will literally die. Sooooo like,,,, 🤡 I guess maybe I can stand to be taken care of for at least a little while.

Doc says with all the damage that’s been done to my organs and stuff this past year, they caught it early enough that the damage is reversible. But I need to undergo a really strict recovery treatment,, and they estimate it’ll be at least 18 months before I’m able to get back to my ~normal healthy baseline~. Which is insane… like am I really gonna be out here living like a sickly hermit for a damn year and a half?? I’m gonna keep feeling better, I know. And I’ll slowly be able to do more again. But I can’t go back to my job. It was causing me waaay too much physical and mental strain. :( so that’s gonna be fun to figure out.

They also put me on literally 12 new medications when I left the hospital to help control my symptoms. Each of which I have to take 1-3 times a day. So that’s super exciting. Love a big bowl of pills for breakfast every morning.

It was torture at first because I hate swallowing pills. But it’s been about a week and I’m honestly getting used to it already. And better yet? Even after only a week… they’re noticeably helping my symptoms… and I’m actually starting to be able to do things again… I *almost* feel like, 60% of a normal human person again,,, maybe even 65%! I’m slowly starting to regain my appetite finally… and I can do little things again… like play the new Pokémon game, or watch anime, or draw, or call a friend on the phone. Which… god what a relief 😭 words cannot describe how good it feels to be able to do those things again… frankly,, it was traumatic having to spend the last few months watching my body physically deteriorate in real time… so now that I’m starting to feel like myself again, if only a little. I’m like. Hey?? I actually love myself so much???? I think I’m a pretty cool fun interesting person. Thank GOD I’m making a comeback 😭😭

Saeyoung of course has been a great source of comfort for me throughout all of this… he always is one of my biggest sources of comfort in life… literally even just imagining him being in the same room as me is enough to put me more at ease…

When things were at their worst a big part of how I dealt with shit was vividly daydreaming about making up silly stories with Saeyoung to distract me. This is something I’ve done for years when I’m too upset or stressed to sleep,,, it’s been a reliable source of comfort for me for a hot minute. But it’s never gotten to this extent haha.

We have a whole ass story going,, I’m actually starting to get pretty attached to the story and the characters… which is stupid AF because it’s literally just. Me and Saeyoung Choi as fantasy self-inserts wherein he’s a court jester and I’m a knight and we’re going on a quest to ~find a cure for my mysterious illness~

But a part of me is like 🥺🤔 what if I actually wrote the story tho? Lmaoooo

Amongst other coping mechanisms and distractions,,, I’ve also been falling HARD into my online shopping addiction. But also, idk, can you blame me…? I’m a material gowrl at heart and I haven’t been able to go shopping in person for months 😔😔 I need little treats to get me through the day.

Mostly I’ve been spending an UNGODLY amount of money on plushies. Like… idk if I could count them and I don’t even wanna THINK about the prices fhdhdjd-

Mostly Pokémon and Sanrio characters. But a few other random critters as well.

And tbh?? I don’t regret a single purchase. They’ve literally all helped me feel more comfortable and joyful these past couple months, which I’ve really needed. So, even if my bed is starting to look RIDICULOUS from sheer volume of plushies…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m living my best life

A few days ago I got a giant charmander plushy… and like. Ordinarily I’m not even the biggest fan of charmander (shut UP ABOUT CHARIZARD GAMEFREAK. IM OVER IT. GEN 1 IS POPULAR WE GET IT)

But I swear to god this young man is changing my life. It may be the softest squishiest most huggable plush I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been carrying him almost everywhere,,, starting to feel like the “ahh yes. Me, my partner, and their life sized mareep plushy” meme for real 💀💀

((How do you think Saeyoung would feel about me turning our bed into a literal mountain of plushies? Or having to compete for attention with my charmander? Hehe. ))

THERES ONLY ONE MORE THING I WANTED TO SAY…

If you’re actually taking the time to read all of this,,, holy shit thank you. And thank you for providing lonely bitches like me this outlet c’: to be able to talk… and share comfort… and express our deep love for these characters without fear of judgement. It’s really just such a lovely blog and I can never thank you enough.

But the last topic I wanted to touch on!!!

Ugh,,, I read your answer to the ask about Saeyoung with an MC into pastel goth fashion and…

That made me so happy 😭😭❤️❤️

I love fashion,,, so much. Truly one of my greatest joys in life is getting into a really cool fun outfit and strutting around Knowing that I’m cool as fuck and I look like a sexy badass 😤😤 it’s simply the most powerful feeling.

Love when I’m wearing an outfit I know looks fire and I can’t stop smirking haha.

And I just,,, love being flamboyant and silly and having fun with it. I’m 100% the type of person to walk into a store and go “this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. The colors and patterns are such a mess they’re practically nauseating. I NEED IT.”

I have a collection of tacky button up shirts that could probably blind a man lmao. And JACKETS?? Don’t get me started on jackets. Boots,,, cargo pants,,, earrings,,, big colorful sunglasses. Ugh. <3

Since I’ve been so sick I haven’t been putting much effort into my appearance. My outfits were so joyless for a while… and then, well. I’ve spent the last month and a half wearing exclusively Pajamas and Hospital Gowns 😭

Considering that my main fashion inspirations ordinarily fall somewhere between Elton John, Lil nas x, and Jojo’s bizarre adventure…

Quite the glow down haha

I don’t think I realized fully how much I missed that until I read your ask…

You inspired me to go looking for some fun new clothes online. And now I’m feeling so excited and impatient for them to get here because I can’t remember the last time I got to put together a fun outfit… I actually wanna like,, get up and get dressed for the first time in so long c’: if only to waltz around my apartment a little bit and take a few selfies.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to my FULL level of glamour,, my inflammation is still pretty bad so my face and body are kinda weird and swollen and lumpy right now 🥴 and again,,, standing and walking are still very much a challenge. Idk if I could wear heels right now haha I’m wobbly enough on my feet already.

But I can’t wait to get back into it…

Like you were saying in that ask too… another part of why I love fashion defs has to do with my gender expression… and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people bring that up with Saeyoung 😭 it always makes me grin and fills me with so much adoration to think about Sae getting to have fun and experience that euphoria with clothing and fashion as well… and especially the thought of us getting to do it together….? c’:

Literally a concept that is SO important and special to me 😭❤️❤️

Idk what kinda wonky matching outfits we’d be putting together but I know that we would look so fuckin cool and hot 😤😤 and best of all we could have so much fun. Which… tbh, there’s nothing more I could ask for in life.

Plus of course,,, there’s always the added fun of self indulgently getting to imagine Saeyoung admiring and complimenting me on my fashion :’D and like,,, thinking I’m cool or whatever 😭

Anyways! Those are all the things I wanted to say.

If you’re still reading this,, //what’s wrong with you bahaha I’m such a rambly mess

But like. Thank you. And deadass if this is too long to read or respond to feel free to leave it in your inbox or just delete it.

Honestly it was just really nice to be able to type out all these thoughts just to sorta. Get it out and decompress, ya know…? c’:

I hope you have an absolutely beautiful day.

While I am happy to hear that you have a better understanding of what's going on in your life, I'm sorry you're going through this transitional time when you discover that you have chronic illness. That has to be the most difficult time for a lot of people. You have to make a lot of adjustments and make changes that you may not be happy with to make sure that you're taken care of. I empathize and understand this because I deal with multiple chronic illnesses. If you ever need a safe space to vent about it, this is always a safe spot. Whether you want it to be posted or not, you can always scream into the inbox.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over the new limitations and changes that are coming into your life. It'll be hard for a little while to get used to everything. But it'll be okay. I can't promise that it'll be easy in the long run. This journey is a lot different for everybody. I think what helps when you feel lonely and isolated in that regard, is to find comfort in the things that make you happy and if that is this video game, then I'm glad that you have it. It's been there for me through all of my experiences so I'm also grateful for it.

I know what it feels like to be lonely and afraid. Having my blog like this... it’s a place where I’m able to help everyone’s dream. It’s simple, it’s small, but I know even the smallest response of “Yes, your favorite character would do this for you today!” means the world to someone on their worst day. I hope that you’re able to find some spoons to dress up and feel good very soon. It’s hard to find a good day sometimes, but you’ll have soon, I’ll cross my fingers for you.

Imagine that, I mean, imagine Saeyoung gushing over you because you found the energy to get up and show off your new outfit. There’s dazzling sparkles in his eyes as he looks at you. His hands are pressed to his mouth, and he looks like he’s going to keel over in delight. He’s absolutely enamored and in love with the sight of you. “You’re so handsome! I can’t take it! I’m in the presence of the best lover! I think I’m the luckiest boyfriend in the world!” Cue him pretending to faint before you ask him if he’s getting dressed, too.

That’s when he springs back up: “Wait, wait, wait, I’ve got the perfect dress that’ll match this. I’ll even let you pick my hair style for the day!”

[itsgivingautism]

01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

[ear-motif]

i was blabbing in the tags of north’s post but imo, season 1 alana represented the allure of normative society to will imo and I wanna talk about it. No new revelations tho I’m honestly just solidifying my thoughts. I’m focusing on season 1 because that’s what I watched most recently so I remember the most stuff from it lol.

So Will’s attracted to Alana right out the gate; she’s beautiful, smart, and a bit snarky and sarcastic, so of course he’d like her. And, most importantly I think, she’s interested in him but doesn’t have a use for him. I don’t think Will’s felt someone wanting him for the sake of wanting him in a long time. Plus, she’s a well-respected colleague of all of his coworkers/acquaintances. She’s beautiful and popular and if he can start a relationship with her he’ll have the most solid tether to normative society he’s probably had in years, if ever*.

But she won’t be in a room alone with him. She doesn’t want to “spook” him; she probably thinks she’s letting him meet her on his own terms, but really she’s treating him like an abandoned feral dog. But Will wants that tether, that anchor, so he keeps pursuing her despite her condescending insistence that she knows his own mind better than him. Which…idk, it’s complicated. On one hand, it’s absolutely fair of her to not want to date him because she knows the relationship would suck. But she’s clearly still attracted to him and Will is crushing too hard to be friends with her so she should step back if she’s concerned for their mental well-being. But she doesn’t. She can’t. She’s too attached at this point. She caught a glimpse of Will’s mind and now she wants to save him; it’s exactly what she predicted would happen.

But what does she want to save him from?

If Will ended up with Alana, he would better integrate into normal society. She may work through his righteous bloodthirst issues or refer him to a regular therapist to help. She could teach him “coping strategies for his empathy disorder” (read: how to mask. come on its how to mask he’s autistic empathy disorder my ASS, BRYAN-). She would be the angel on his shoulder, and of course part of Will wants that.

But it’ll never be perfect. One, bc obviously he has that with Molly (a normal relationship about healthy love) and that doesn’t fulfill him, but in the narrative language of the show (or my delulu brain), because her adherence to society’s moral code, her “innocence”, is her weakness (in s1 and 2 i havent gotten to 3 yet plz no bully). She can’t see what Hannibal is doing despite her friend’s emphatic declaration that he is because he is playing the part of a well-integrated society member too well. So when talking to Will, she becomes the angel on his shoulder that tells him what society at large thinks, and society at large wants to gaslight him into thinking he did this to himself because the loss of a mentally ill autistic man is less abhorrent in the current social climate than the loss of an elite socialite and medical practitioner. For Alana, it’s naïveté; an unwillingness to look at Hannibal beneath what he presents. I think, deep down, she was scared Will was right. So she never looked.

Meanwhile, Hannibal is the devil on his shoulder, beckoning him to taste the fruit that he already knows is so sweet (murder. its the murder fruit). Hannibal could be Will’s tether to normal society, and kind of was in s1, but it soon became clear that that wasn’t gonna happen. Because when Hannibal looked into Will’s mind, he didn’t wanna guide Will out of it into the light, he wanted to jump in there with him. This is, objectively, the worse outcome for Will. But this one is fulfilling, he has a love that sets him on fire instead of providing him distant, impersonal warmth. With Molly and Alana, Will had someone who could tame his nightmares. But only by knowing your own evil can you make your nightmares dance. And for Will, knowing himself meant throwing away his last tethers to society and morality, in a way that wasn’t innocent or naïve, but antisocial and enlightened. I could say more but I’m writing dorky ass metaphors that’s a sign to Stop

*This is kind of a wobbly analysis because we don’t know what Will’s childhood or young adulthood was like, I’m assuming that he was always kind of a misfit. This is supported by canon in that Will was always the new kid at school, but I think his isolation runs deeper than that and I think most ppl here would agree. Still, maybe Will was a chad in college and then decided to love murder again who knows

[oneman-wolfpackk]

I truly hate having bpd and brain damage. People wonder why I disappear or “go ghost” but like, when I reach out or send a comment or anything small even and I know they read it but don’t respond, it triggers a childhood abandonment wound and I split on them and truly hate them for a good while. That’s why I’d rather just not talk to anyone all together bc I’m too sensitive to handle moments when I know I am being ignored or pushed to the side. I respect boundaries and people have a right to not respond to me but knowing they read what I sent them and they just made a choice to ignore me, bothers me so much. I understand if you’re mentally ill or exhausted and just can’t answer but it mostly comes from people who are fine and simply just choose not to respond because they don’t care. Being ignored makes me wanna die and I plan my own death and everything every single time like what. That is not normal or healthy and it got worse after getting this tbi. Not even brand new strawberry chapstick makes it feel better and everyone is stupid and ugly and dumb

[milo-is-rambling]

Guys guys guys guys guys.

I’m so back. I am normal now hashtag no mental illness hashtag regular person hashtag ive never wanted to die in my life.

I’ve cracked the code. Step one. Smoke weed. A lot of weed. Like borderline too much weed. Then eat an incredible sweet juicy piece of fruit like have to eat it over a trash can or outside kind of sweet juicy fruit and then also take the meds you’ve been prescribed for a year and keep going off bc you’re afraid of ever succeeding bc once you finally go up a step you’re expected to keep climbing when ur legs are still fucking wobbling and it’s horrible but woohoo you got fired you can go back to being a mentally healthy unemployed piece of shit haha yeah okay hashtag mental illness returned hashtag the guilt is never ending hashtag has never been normal one day in my life.

Gonna go smoke more weed and eat more nectarine and it will fix me 👍

[mithliya]

people forget that trauma, abuse, and homophobia can fuck you up. it can make you value fitting into an image more than you value your own self-respect, boundaries, and desires. it is by no means normal or healthy for a gay person to have a sexual history with the opposite sex, but it is possible. people frequently do things they do not want to do, or things that actively hurt them, or things against their innate survival instincts when they’re put in specific circumstances. i don’t understand why some individuals think that this is the one scenario in which nothing ever could result in someone going against their nature. there are people who amputate themselves, or inject themselves with poison, or will get a dangerous amount of surgeries, etc and we know none of that is normal, logical behaviour.. what makes this different? “well i had a tough life and *i* didnt do that” yeah, we all reacted to our surroundings differently, it doesn’t mean much. some people went through the exact same as you and it resulted in them experiencing several severe mental illnesses, doesn’t mean they’re lying about it just bc you didn’t develop mental illness. some people went through the exact same as you and went on to be extremely wealthy and successful, doesn’t mean they’re lying about it. people react in various ways to difficult life circumstances, there’s something called “individual differences” and i’m sure our different personalities and mindsets and exact circumstances can influence all that. the only conclusion isn’t going to be that this person is lying simply bc they didn’t have the same exact reaction you did.

julia fox opened up about several mental health conditions and talked about her life prior to fame which involved being raised catholic, teenage homelessness, childhood abuse, drug addiction in her teen years, etc. i don’t know the reality of her attractions but i can imagine why someone with such a difficult life took longer to come out & realise her sexuality.

we will literally never “know” for sure but jumping to assumptions won’t do anything nor will it help lesbians. i have yet to see how fixating on women’s sexual history helps any of us, all i’ve seen it do is retraumatise lesbian rape victims and result in unnecessary speculation about whether lesbians who faced sexual abuse are lying about wanting it or not. i keep seeing “goldstar” lesbians getting hassled with anons telling them they must’ve secretly been with men, or lesbian rape victims getting hassled with anons & users arguing that they’re lying about being raped, and i’m not seeing any lesbian being helped by this. we just became more divided.

Julia fox came out as a lesbian. I believe her, she has talked over the past couple years about exes that complained that she never had sex with them and "seemed to be gay", she had an entire 2 year relationship without sex, she expressed an attraction to women a couple years ago.

But with a childhood so traumatic and a life and career based in male validation, it may be hard for her to break that cycle and habit and truly find happiness with women.

[thebibliosphere]

Feel very free to ignore this but yea . I'm starting to think I may have been underestimating how generally ill I am and that I may have something medically significant going on and it would be an understatement to say that its freaking me out a little bit. I grew up with my mom being chronically ill so I got it drilled into me that I basically had to grin and bear shit bc at least it wasnt as bad as hers. Any tips on dealing with this mindfuck lmao

Solidarity, friend. I grew up with a visibly disabled sibling, and it's still a mental slog sometimes to get past the whole "but at least you're not as bad as X" I get from some people just because I'm not as visibly affected.

It took me years to stop internalizing that too. I still struggle with it, sometimes.

Therapy helps a lot. I go to grief counseling. It helps with both acceptance and also managing rapid cycling emotions. This is often something we experience when we first realize Something Is Wrong and we could have been having help this whole time and entirely normal. I also find mindfulness (yes, really) and radical acceptance to be helpful.

Going to put this under a cut because it's long :)

Some people mistake radical acceptance to mean "guess I'll just give up then" when what it actually means is to stop fighting things you cannot change, accept them as reality and focus your energy elsewhere.

For me, that meant giving up on the idea that I'd ever be a healthy, able-bodied person. For the longest time, I was sure if I got the right diagnosis and treatment, I'd eventually be healthy and my suffering would stop. It was my motivation to keep pushing through the medical abuse and gaslighting and, honestly, all that kept me alive sometimes. I needed to name the beast so I could kill it and claim my life back. And then I got diagnosed with two genetic disorders that can't be cured, lol.

Not gonna lie, struggled for a bit with that: both with the idea that I'd been allowed to suffer for decades through medical negligence, and also that now, even knowing the name of what was wrong, I was stuck with it forever. It could be managed, but it couldn't be cured. And that's where radical acceptance can help. Which for me looks like:

"I have (at least) two genetic disorders that cause lifelong problems that cannot be cured. There is literally nothing I can do to change this. This is a fact I cannot fight. But, with treatment and self-care, they can be managed and my quality of life can be improved, which is incredibly important! So that is where I will focus my energy. On improving my quality of life for the person I am, not the person I could have been."

It sounds simple, but internalizing it is another matter.

As for mindfulness, whenever I catch myself in a negative thought spiral of "I should do more because I am not X enough", I force myself to pause and ask: If this were happening to a friend, would I urge them to rest, or would I tell them to keep going even though it's harming them? No? Okay, so why am I not offering myself the same care and compassion?

This can apply to many aspects of life, but mostly I use it to herd myself into being kinder to myself because, goodness knows, someone needs to be kind to this body and it might as well be me.

This is like... not even remotely enough to help with everything you will be experiencing. But I hope it's a helpful start in pointing you in the right direction. Good luck and take care!

[awsugar]

I love Gerard's weirdness until he gets so weird I start being concerned for his mental health and then I get worried that he doesn't have a good support system that'll keep him grounded on earth. does that make sense? and I don't mean this as a joke or in jest at all cause I know in good fun we joke about him being a hermit wizard and stuff. I'm dead serious. sometimes he worries me and that's just with what's left of his limited online presence. I feel like he's the kind of person who'd let mental illness go unchecked w/o realizing it. I've had friends get to a point, and I've gotten to that point several times too, where you just get into this episode and realize holy shit this is not normal and I need to get help. I had one episode ever in my teens when I started hallucinating and believing things that weren't real. and a manic episode for a week last summer that for half the time I thought everything was fine and then realized uh, something is wrong and I can't stop, and was flipping out and losing my mind til I just crashed. those are the 2 that still stand out to me. not saying that happens to him and not making diagnoses obviously but just using that for an example of what I mean. except I don't think Gerard is the kind of person who'd have that realization that something is wrong. and if even half the shit I've read is true, that's a whole other paragraph I'm not getting into rn, I just don't think anyone else would step in. it just makes me worried and sad cause I know people irl and there are even other celebrities who have mental illness and it gets so bad after so many years of going unchecked that just? it gets super bad. Shelley Duvall is an example, and I love her and I hope she's okay and fuck anybody who's mean to her. so yeah and I also wanna say mental illness is never ever ever a shameful thing no matter what it is and everybody with mental illness deserves love and support and to be happy and healthy and I also apologize if anything I said sounded ableist at all. I just think about it sometimes and sometimes I read things either about Gerard recently or that he's said recently that make me wonder if he's alright and I love and respect and look up to him a whole lot so it just makes me really sad cause he deserves to be healthy and happy. and if this accidentally isn't anon bc I stared at the screen wondering what to type for like 10 mins and my connection dipped out at some point please pretend it is anon <3

i think worrying about gerard is extremely valid. i do, personally. i know a lot of it is a reaction to what came did to him, and for a lot of people, not being on social media is like a GREAT thing for your mental health. but with gerard it’s just like we barely see him and then when we do he’s like generally appears like he hardly bathes or changes his clothes and his personality is different and and we’re told he like never leaves the house and it just seems like he’s hiding more than he is just trying to live life offline, you know? so yea i worry. i don’t know anything about his support system but i just hope i’m wrong and that he’s doing ok and he’s looking forward to tour instead of dreading it. i guess we’ll find out.

[brotherslayer]

i like to hc (or i think it’s canon. like it was heavily implied) that athy has a mental illness..? depression i think. ( pls let me have this ok! i know it’s so cliche but i also have mdd and her character just hits me esp her reincarnation as a person in our world and she... died 😭😭😭) also i like how functional she is? like yes she has dark thoughts a lot, but she has a good facade. she is strong (i mean she’s lived under poverty, no parents AND most likely worked at customer service) works hard, and smiles and keeps doing all of it, she doesn’t want to die bc of claude. do we know if she overdosed on purpose? was it an accident? we can’t know exactly. *LONG (AND I MEAN LONG) rant ahead i tried to make it make sense and this is just my own experience i’m sure other people will see it differently. you don’t have to read this, so please skip it if you don’t want to read this! and if you did and if you’d like, tell me what you think x*

what we do know is that she opened her eyes and she’s suddenly... a pitiful princess. and you know what? she’s not having any of this. she doesn’t want to have yet another shitty life. and yes she’s tired and she keeps wondering if what she’s doing is right. if she’s making the right decisions. when it gets REALLY hard she thinks “i thought i’d finally be happy”. she’s felt so lonely, and scared, finding a real friend like jennette, i think her fear of possible death if jennette were to be noticed by claude is surpassed by her wanting an actual connection with someone. to be loved. and who better than her sister? 🥺🥺 LISTEN IM A FIRM BELIEVER WMMAP SHOULDNT HAVE ROMANCE AS A MAIN THEME (especially in the novel where everything is more fucked up, here it’s more family centered) idk why they were shoving a lucas romance so fast when my girl athy is having a breakdown. for me, she just needed a friend. i think she had finally found a healthy connection to someone. jennette is her sister. and! she loves athy unconditionally. she’s never scared of her because she knows jennette would never want to hurt her. in fact, jennette would almost die for her like twice. (talking manhwa) i wish we could have focused more on the sibling bond in this story because it does athanasia so good. and i think, it’s a parallel with ana and claude’s relationship. athanasia and jennette, they choose to love each other and i think that’s so sweet. peak writing there spoon 💓🤧

also it’s like. a really good depiction of mental illness too (even if it was maybe? unintentional bc we only see the dark thoughts a few times, when claudes in a coma, especially but that works great because it often just. lingers and that’s why ppl don’t get treated until it’s serious and more dangerous.) she’s high functioning. i can see a lot of typical behavior? for some of us it impairs us, won’t let you even get out of bed or take care of yourself. losing interest in things you liked before is common etc but for others! work and study and it’s SO hard and there’s bad thoughts and all you can do is. eat something because food doesn’t really fail ever. smile! distract yourself by doing daily tasks, etc ☠️ i hope this isn’t too tmi i don’t wanna overshare. maybe someone will relate lmao. ANYWAYS the amnesia arc, this is my favorite lucas, sort of. like you know how i’ve said before that i have a love-hate relationship with this dude. this is kinda why, i wanna elaborate 😭. because im so angry at him right now

ok so yes lucas is not great! and his relationship with athanasia is... uhh! kinda unhealthy 🥴 like i feel like athanasia clings to him because he’s literally the only person who is there, but not under normal circumstances it’s not really an effort on his part because he’s super powerful and he’s not in actual danger. so he can’t really relate to the magnitude of these events like a normal person would. he thinks blowing things up is gonna solve their problems (that’s not problem solving lucas) when something traumatic happens lucas is put there so we associate security to him. you also said that he’s been a victim of abuse. so i can understand why things are happening like this (i’m not happy about it though they could have written something better😔) it’s sort of like clinging to people who show you the bare minimum of what is kindness because well. you’re scared of loneliness perhaps. or, you aren’t used to others being kind to you, and it feels nice. this can make some mentally ill people easy to manipulate, AND it can make others too clingy or controlling. i see it something like that. maybe in my case i like him bc of this? ☠️ i’m speaking from experience here

maybe athy has associated security with lucas. sense of security and the few instances where he’s kind, bc he’s bitch shaped, in the middle of all of the uncertainty. it’s not the best support someone could be giving and he’s definitely not a good person, but no one (jennette should but also we know they’re pushing for lucas/athanasia interactions so they just won’t let her be there with athy ugh 😩) else is there when athanasia is having these traumatic experiences (again probably doing this on purpose and it DOES sound manipulative doesn’t it? not lucas, the writing). i was actually expecting character development for lucas bc of the amnesia arc.

i finally saw him caught off guard for once, because athanasia is actively having “dark thoughts” (i’m calling them that but i really mean suicidal this is where i get the idea she did kill herself), and he didn’t want to show her the world tree branch because he’s scared she will die, that she will “leave him”. he cares for her but it’s a little more on the unhealthy side bc they’re both mentally ill. moving on. he also shows her the tree branch because hes scared she is feeling hopeless (very depressed). sure it hurts but if it means she stays alive, he will try to aid her if it makes her feel better. when he sees her like this, he relents and shows her it. the tree tells her of this method to cure her dad, and he gets angry because it will put her in danger and it’s uncertain that it will actually work. see, this is where i actually liked lucas. helping claude isn’t possible for him. in contrast to how he talks about aeternitas being weak, and being out of touch because well he’s THE wizard. this is one of the few things that he cannot do, so he is sort of in the same place as athy right now. a feeling of helplessness? he can’t do anything, as powerful as he is, to cure her father. and you know? it’s nice. i wish he had stayed like this.

if they hadn’t made him so powerful i would have actually preferred him more as a love interest. it’s really difficult to connect to him because he is almost invincible most of the time, except for in the amnesia arc. before and after this time period, he is more cocky and so sure of himself, it’s like he can’t bring himself to feel empathy for others. so when i saw him be sensitive and unsure i wanted him to keep going on this path of becoming a better person, a better friend for athy, and realizing that he’s not all powerful. just because someone is mentally ill doesn’t excuse being a jerk, and two mentally ill people being in a relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship has to be toxic! but there’s steps in order for it to work and so they don’t sink together... athy and him could have actually helped each other (i’m not saying fix each other here, that’s not how it works) if he could just open up and be vulnerable, ack if they didn’t try to paint him as the usual love interest all the time. same as her! i want her to talk about her trauma and her problems to someone so bad, lucas knows she reincarnated, but they don’t talk about it. unfortunately the narrative is pushing the typical shoujo josei approach which has toxic gender roles and its so boring 😔😔 the incredibly strong and possessive ml and a weaker fl who needs help. right now i dislike lucas a lot, aack like really... he’s gone back to being inconsiderate and a bitch. hate it here

the only other person i know of that helped athy was my boy kiel, but! this child did have a lot to risk, in contrast. by running after athy he’s going against not only his own family but against claude which means sort of... certain death for him. he’s ACTUALLY contributing to this relationship by sacrificing things, putting effort in order to help her. hell, falling in love with her was probably one of his first choices. something that is “him”. it’s struggling if you’re a normal human person. again, we could have kiel and jennette to balance out the lucas and claude interactions but they are REALLY pushing for a lucas thing here bc he’s the novel’s love interest so they will reduce kiel to a second thought when i really think, even if he isn’t an all powerful wizard, that he could offer better support to athanasia and relate more to her than, well, most characters would, and in a healthy way. he would be more sensitive and would comfort her, not saying that they could simply solve it by destroying things but actually telling her, that yes, she’s right, that’s a very difficult situation and she shouldn’t have to go through that. he would not be able to fully understand but he’d try to help her in any way possible. because he was always on her side. it’s honestly great. there’s probably symbolism in there but i’m too stupid to notice. something about changing your fate. there’s certainly parallels between athy and kiel because they’re both changing the future. making choices for THEM. choosing to follow happiness. 🧍something like that someone will probably say it better than i ever will. 👉👈

and last, but not least, i wanted to talk about claude. it’s a similar situation with claude and lucas. he’s the only father athanasia ever had (unfortunately) and any fatherly love athy ever received is from him even if this dude REALLY needs to stop projecting and being violent and distant there’s so many things wrong with claude and he’s so complex. i enjoy his character but he’s a horrible father. at least he’s trying now unlike a certain black cat with red eyes instead of green ones. athanasia actually confronts him... anyways. mental illnesses are often hereditary (i’m not opening MY can of worms though but it runs in the family) we see how VERY unhealthy family dynamics have traumatized the obelian royal family for generations (aka intergenerational trauma babeyyy 🗣😩☠️) and it finally culminates in ana being possessed by aety, in claude becoming a tyrant, in him executing athanasia, and jennette unintentionally making him worse. aeternitas takes over the throne and well. it’s kinda the end of the empire lol.

we can see how this environment affects athanasia, in the first timeline especially, it is a reflection of her life the second time around, and the third time again. sure, she didn’t exactly inherit claude’s alcoholism (i’d recommend she doesn’t risk it though. stay away from alcohol) or violent behavior, BUT she is definitely suffering from a mental illness (like most obelian royalty) and she has also adopted the tendency of drowning herself in work just like he does. and she’s a little desensitized to the violence. it’s a bit of a softer blow because she didn’t internalize it as much as if she had been a baby, being an adult in a child’s body. but it’s still there. and claude got the most of it, a lot more than anastacius did. being an illegitimate child, etc. the person who got away from all of this mess and broke the cycle of abuse is jennette. she was raised in the alpheus manor and we can’t say roger is the best father because he has a lot of flaws. he’s using jennette and pushing ijekiel to be the next head, and probably instilling the wrong ideas in both of them since they were children. he’s put them both in danger with their greed. however, that will always be better than living in the palace. jennette has been affected by the way she was raised but in a very different way than she ever would have had she lived in the palace. ana will not be the best father either, but he hasn’t been in claude’s position who was most subjected to trauma in that same place than anastacius ever was. so he’s not on his level of fucked up, fortunately jennette will be ok with him.

i think jennette and ijekiel should have stayed closer to athanasia and they have a lot more importance than many people give them credit for. it’s a breath of fresh air from everything heavy that happens around her. hell, not even lucas was free from abuse and he has a lot of issues stemming from abandonment etc. they’re sort of the healthiest bonds athanasia has and she NEEDS those! she really does. i think i’ve talked too much already, 😭 idk what it’s supposed to be. analysis? rant? being angry that there’s SO much potential for more themes because the word building is simply incredible? so i’ll leave it here. thanks for listening and if you’ve read until here! don’t wanna force you to answer or anything. and sorry for clogging ur inbox

Headcanon accepted! I like to hc LP Athy to have an Avoidant Personality Disorder & depression. This is probably contradicted by canon since Lithium said LP Athy crying was so out of the character that even Claude was suprised by her breakdown but since it's the only panels where she has dialogue I imagine her to be similar to Hilise Inoaden in her first life: cries easily but only at night when she's alone by herself, hypersensitive, feels unsafe in big crowds or when alone with strangers, clings to every gesture that can be interpreted as kindness, tendency to excuse the actions of the people she cares about (really how has she not lost hope for Claude in those 18 years of her life facing his rejection and the noblility's mockery?).

Talking about mental illnesses being heredity, baby Claude could have also ended up with an Avoidant Personality disorder if he hadn't freezed his heart, I think. But now I hc him with an Antisocial Personality Disorder, Like Lucas.

But I don't think wmmap is good representation of mental illness. You could argue that Lucas' and Claude's "psychopathic/sociopathic" tendancies are mainly caused by dark magic and not their childhood trauma. Like even though Claude seems to have ASPD, baby Claude never showed signs of a conduct disorder. I know this isn't a must but still. Athy's trauma only gets bought up when spoon needs to stirr drama between her and Claude. It doesn't really impair her much in her everyday life. There isn't a day where she has a hard time getting out of bed or a day where she tries pursuing her hobbies but nothing brings her joy anymore. She still manages to be productive. She had no problems to interact with strangers and blend in with the tea party girl's in high society, even though their mother's betrayed her later and some of them surely did the same in the first timeline (ignoring Athy in favour of Jennette), yet she doesn't really harbour any resentment against the noble's that harmed her in her first life.