#pukey saeyoung anon

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello ! This is pukey Saeyoung anon.

I’m comin off anon bc honestly that shit is too much work. Pretty sure being sick this long has fried any last sense of inhibition or shame in my brain and I think everyone deserves to know how much I love Saeyoung smh. The extent to which that is my Mans. I will publicly gush if I so please. 😤😤

Plus! I’m pleased to report that I haven’t actually thrown up in about two weeks! So like. Hashtag recovery life I guess. 💀

But that’s what I came here to update you about. :’D

I feel like I kinda left you with a cliffhanger there with the whole bone cancer thing. (If it makes you feel any better, the hospital did too 👁👄👁)

November was very much,,, a terrible horrible no good very bad type of month. I spent nearly two weeks waiting for them to get back to me about my dumb bone marrow autopsy only for them to cancel my appointment last minute. And in the meantime I was just getting sicker and sicker… I ended up in and out of the hospital again a couple times,, but by the third time I was scared to go back bc the second time I went they didn’t even admit me overnight. They basically just charged me $700 to take a four hour nap. And cha boy doesn’t have that kinda money. 😭

But it got to the point that I really physically couldn’t take it anymore… I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my entire life. Which unfortunately with the life I’ve had,, that’s a high ass bar lmao.

And it was just CONSTANT… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t look at any screens. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stand. I was literally too weak to even pull a blanket up over myself. I literally was spending every night sobbing/shivering/barfing myself to sleep. It was baaaaaaad.

Luckily my roommate at this point had probably started to get annoyed by hearing me crying from pain all night and was like “dude I’m taking you to the hospital again”

And my third hospital visit !! They FINALLY gave me an answer as to wtf is going on!

Good news is…? Not bone cancer. I don’t have to enter my Deadpool era Quite yet.

Bad news…? Apparently I’ve got fuckin Lupus 🤡

Which is super cute and fun because,, you know. Incurable lifelong chronic illness. I’m literally gonna be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. :)

But like. It’s a perfectly livable disease. As long as it’s, you know. Actually being taken care of and treated. Which I now have enough info to actually do haha.

(Hit the self-loathing so hard that even my own fuckin immune system was like, oh shit we gotta take this bitch DOWN 💀)

I’m soooo glad to be home and back from the hospital… but it’s been very strange too. I’m still really sick and I can’t really do much on my own and,,, my brain physically doesn’t know how to process being like,, taken care of. Honestly it kinda sets off alarm bells in my brain 😳 but I’ve had to accept pretty damn quickly that,, I don’t really have a choice rn. I’m so used to just being on my own pushing through all my pain and just. Waiting till it goes away on its own. But if I do that in this case… the pain will just get worse and my body will quite literally shut down on me and I will literally die. Sooooo like,,,, 🤡 I guess maybe I can stand to be taken care of for at least a little while.

Doc says with all the damage that’s been done to my organs and stuff this past year, they caught it early enough that the damage is reversible. But I need to undergo a really strict recovery treatment,, and they estimate it’ll be at least 18 months before I’m able to get back to my ~normal healthy baseline~. Which is insane… like am I really gonna be out here living like a sickly hermit for a damn year and a half?? I’m gonna keep feeling better, I know. And I’ll slowly be able to do more again. But I can’t go back to my job. It was causing me waaay too much physical and mental strain. :( so that’s gonna be fun to figure out.

They also put me on literally 12 new medications when I left the hospital to help control my symptoms. Each of which I have to take 1-3 times a day. So that’s super exciting. Love a big bowl of pills for breakfast every morning.

It was torture at first because I hate swallowing pills. But it’s been about a week and I’m honestly getting used to it already. And better yet? Even after only a week… they’re noticeably helping my symptoms… and I’m actually starting to be able to do things again… I *almost* feel like, 60% of a normal human person again,,, maybe even 65%! I’m slowly starting to regain my appetite finally… and I can do little things again… like play the new Pokémon game, or watch anime, or draw, or call a friend on the phone. Which… god what a relief 😭 words cannot describe how good it feels to be able to do those things again… frankly,, it was traumatic having to spend the last few months watching my body physically deteriorate in real time… so now that I’m starting to feel like myself again, if only a little. I’m like. Hey?? I actually love myself so much???? I think I’m a pretty cool fun interesting person. Thank GOD I’m making a comeback 😭😭

Saeyoung of course has been a great source of comfort for me throughout all of this… he always is one of my biggest sources of comfort in life… literally even just imagining him being in the same room as me is enough to put me more at ease…

When things were at their worst a big part of how I dealt with shit was vividly daydreaming about making up silly stories with Saeyoung to distract me. This is something I’ve done for years when I’m too upset or stressed to sleep,,, it’s been a reliable source of comfort for me for a hot minute. But it’s never gotten to this extent haha.

We have a whole ass story going,, I’m actually starting to get pretty attached to the story and the characters… which is stupid AF because it’s literally just. Me and Saeyoung Choi as fantasy self-inserts wherein he’s a court jester and I’m a knight and we’re going on a quest to ~find a cure for my mysterious illness~

But a part of me is like 🥺🤔 what if I actually wrote the story tho? Lmaoooo

Amongst other coping mechanisms and distractions,,, I’ve also been falling HARD into my online shopping addiction. But also, idk, can you blame me…? I’m a material gowrl at heart and I haven’t been able to go shopping in person for months 😔😔 I need little treats to get me through the day.

Mostly I’ve been spending an UNGODLY amount of money on plushies. Like… idk if I could count them and I don’t even wanna THINK about the prices fhdhdjd-

Mostly Pokémon and Sanrio characters. But a few other random critters as well.

And tbh?? I don’t regret a single purchase. They’ve literally all helped me feel more comfortable and joyful these past couple months, which I’ve really needed. So, even if my bed is starting to look RIDICULOUS from sheer volume of plushies…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m living my best life

A few days ago I got a giant charmander plushy… and like. Ordinarily I’m not even the biggest fan of charmander (shut UP ABOUT CHARIZARD GAMEFREAK. IM OVER IT. GEN 1 IS POPULAR WE GET IT)

But I swear to god this young man is changing my life. It may be the softest squishiest most huggable plush I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been carrying him almost everywhere,,, starting to feel like the “ahh yes. Me, my partner, and their life sized mareep plushy” meme for real 💀💀

((How do you think Saeyoung would feel about me turning our bed into a literal mountain of plushies? Or having to compete for attention with my charmander? Hehe. ))

THERES ONLY ONE MORE THING I WANTED TO SAY…

If you’re actually taking the time to read all of this,,, holy shit thank you. And thank you for providing lonely bitches like me this outlet c’: to be able to talk… and share comfort… and express our deep love for these characters without fear of judgement. It’s really just such a lovely blog and I can never thank you enough.

But the last topic I wanted to touch on!!!

Ugh,,, I read your answer to the ask about Saeyoung with an MC into pastel goth fashion and…

That made me so happy 😭😭❤️❤️

I love fashion,,, so much. Truly one of my greatest joys in life is getting into a really cool fun outfit and strutting around Knowing that I’m cool as fuck and I look like a sexy badass 😤😤 it’s simply the most powerful feeling.

Love when I’m wearing an outfit I know looks fire and I can’t stop smirking haha.

And I just,,, love being flamboyant and silly and having fun with it. I’m 100% the type of person to walk into a store and go “this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. The colors and patterns are such a mess they’re practically nauseating. I NEED IT.”

I have a collection of tacky button up shirts that could probably blind a man lmao. And JACKETS?? Don’t get me started on jackets. Boots,,, cargo pants,,, earrings,,, big colorful sunglasses. Ugh. <3

Since I’ve been so sick I haven’t been putting much effort into my appearance. My outfits were so joyless for a while… and then, well. I’ve spent the last month and a half wearing exclusively Pajamas and Hospital Gowns 😭

Considering that my main fashion inspirations ordinarily fall somewhere between Elton John, Lil nas x, and Jojo’s bizarre adventure…

Quite the glow down haha

I don’t think I realized fully how much I missed that until I read your ask…

You inspired me to go looking for some fun new clothes online. And now I’m feeling so excited and impatient for them to get here because I can’t remember the last time I got to put together a fun outfit… I actually wanna like,, get up and get dressed for the first time in so long c’: if only to waltz around my apartment a little bit and take a few selfies.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to my FULL level of glamour,, my inflammation is still pretty bad so my face and body are kinda weird and swollen and lumpy right now 🥴 and again,,, standing and walking are still very much a challenge. Idk if I could wear heels right now haha I’m wobbly enough on my feet already.

But I can’t wait to get back into it…

Like you were saying in that ask too… another part of why I love fashion defs has to do with my gender expression… and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people bring that up with Saeyoung 😭 it always makes me grin and fills me with so much adoration to think about Sae getting to have fun and experience that euphoria with clothing and fashion as well… and especially the thought of us getting to do it together….? c’:

Literally a concept that is SO important and special to me 😭❤️❤️

Idk what kinda wonky matching outfits we’d be putting together but I know that we would look so fuckin cool and hot 😤😤 and best of all we could have so much fun. Which… tbh, there’s nothing more I could ask for in life.

Plus of course,,, there’s always the added fun of self indulgently getting to imagine Saeyoung admiring and complimenting me on my fashion :’D and like,,, thinking I’m cool or whatever 😭

Anyways! Those are all the things I wanted to say.

If you’re still reading this,, //what’s wrong with you bahaha I’m such a rambly mess

But like. Thank you. And deadass if this is too long to read or respond to feel free to leave it in your inbox or just delete it.

Honestly it was just really nice to be able to type out all these thoughts just to sorta. Get it out and decompress, ya know…? c’:

I hope you have an absolutely beautiful day.

While I am happy to hear that you have a better understanding of what's going on in your life, I'm sorry you're going through this transitional time when you discover that you have chronic illness. That has to be the most difficult time for a lot of people. You have to make a lot of adjustments and make changes that you may not be happy with to make sure that you're taken care of. I empathize and understand this because I deal with multiple chronic illnesses. If you ever need a safe space to vent about it, this is always a safe spot. Whether you want it to be posted or not, you can always scream into the inbox.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over the new limitations and changes that are coming into your life. It'll be hard for a little while to get used to everything. But it'll be okay. I can't promise that it'll be easy in the long run. This journey is a lot different for everybody. I think what helps when you feel lonely and isolated in that regard, is to find comfort in the things that make you happy and if that is this video game, then I'm glad that you have it. It's been there for me through all of my experiences so I'm also grateful for it.

I know what it feels like to be lonely and afraid. Having my blog like this... it’s a place where I’m able to help everyone’s dream. It’s simple, it’s small, but I know even the smallest response of “Yes, your favorite character would do this for you today!” means the world to someone on their worst day. I hope that you’re able to find some spoons to dress up and feel good very soon. It’s hard to find a good day sometimes, but you’ll have soon, I’ll cross my fingers for you.

Imagine that, I mean, imagine Saeyoung gushing over you because you found the energy to get up and show off your new outfit. There’s dazzling sparkles in his eyes as he looks at you. His hands are pressed to his mouth, and he looks like he’s going to keel over in delight. He’s absolutely enamored and in love with the sight of you. “You’re so handsome! I can’t take it! I’m in the presence of the best lover! I think I’m the luckiest boyfriend in the world!” Cue him pretending to faint before you ask him if he’s getting dressed, too.

That’s when he springs back up: “Wait, wait, wait, I’ve got the perfect dress that’ll match this. I’ll even let you pick my hair style for the day!”

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello my dear. ❤️

*sigh* pukey Saeyoung anon back at it again…

My stomach issues got worse and,, long story short I ended up in the hospital. I didn’t even think they were gonna keep me overnight, but now it’s been four nights and counting. And there’s no indication as to when I’ll be able to leave.

Apparently my blood cell counts are all alarmingly low. They’re worried I may have sickle cell disease or leukemia…

I miss cuddling my kitties. And I’m starting to get restless, bored, uncomfortable, lonely… and honestly pretty worried… especially considering the seriousness of the potential diagnosis…

So I was wondering… how would Saeyoung react to his MC having to deal with a long , very uncertain hospital stay…? Would he do anything special to comfort or amuse them…? :’D

Saeyoung is ever the paranoid worrywart. It's in his nature to be worried about everything and everyone all the time. It’s a part of who he is... good and bad. It’s useful to him sometimes and harsh to him others. He likes to be in control of a situation because it feels like he can protect people and make sure that nothing goes wrong. But, in this case, there's nothing that he can do.

He has to trust that other people can take care of you and that's not exactly the easiest thing in the world for him. It causes him a lot of emotional turmoil. You might not know about this because he doesn't always admit when he's struggling with something. He's gotten better about it but that doesn't mean that he doesn't fall into Old Habits in stressful situations.

It's something that you can deal with later. It's just important to remember it's because he might be a little pushy.

He doesn't want to come across as overbearing or pushy, but it's hard for him to trust people. Even if he got on his hands and knees and begged Jumin to find the best people to take care of you. He would still be afraid of something going wrong. It's a lot on his mind. He just loves you so much and he can't imagine losing you.

 But at the end of the day, it's not about how paranoid he gets or how upset he gets. She would quickly realize that what's more important is making sure that you have everything that you need and that he doesn't overwhelm that situation into something where you have to comfort him. He needs to be comforting you. He needs to be taken care of you. He needs to support you in any way that he can.

Once he gets past that initial bout of stress and anxiety, it'll get a lot better. You won't be afraid of anything because you'll be there to brighten your day and make sure that you feel safe and welcome to in your little Hospital room. He can bring things from home and Spruce it up. He can bring by his brother and the others to make sure that you don't feel alone when they tell him that he needs to go home and take a long shower.

There is nothing that he won't do in this situation. If you need it, name it. He will take care of it right away. He will not hesitate for a second in that regard. Even if that means he has to go out of his way to find something for you. He will find it. Don't ask questions on how he got it. He made it work. That’s the magic of being able to date Saeyoung!

But, probably the sweetest thing he can do for you is bring Meowy into the room with you. It might not be the same as a furry kitty, but Meowy loves taking care of you. You’ll be able to pat the top of their head and smile. Meowy works great as a heater and ice box for any discomfort you have! So, they probably won’t leave your side once you get used to that. Saeyoung doesn’t mind. He’s happy to be at your bedside if he can be nowhere else.

“I’ve got you safe, [Y/N]. Don’t worry your pretty little head about a thing. I won’t leave you here to be alone with your thoughts. Meowy and I will bother you all day long until you send us away. Even if the doctors kick me out... well, I’ve got the nurse uniform in my bag and I know how much you love seeing the Madam Nurse,” he winked.

“Saeyoung...”

“Right, I’ll get the wig, too.”

“Saeyoung...”

“And the lipstick, you’re a right!”

“Hold my hand, Saeyoung.”

His jokes hide his nerves but he won’t let go of your hand when you ask him to hold you tightly.

[marshmallowprotection]

Ahh.,. Pukey Saeyoung anon again.

I wanted to take a moment to extend all my love and sympathies to those last few anons. I completely understand those insecurities. But you’re all wonderful people and the rfa would definitely love you no matter what…

Your response to that very last anon high key made me wanna cry lol.

I also have never once been asked out. And the only person who ever admitted to having feelings for me was like, 1,000 miles away and “stopped liking me after she got to know me” lmaooo

I never know if maybe some people have had interest in me before and I’m just too autistic to notice and have too many trust issues so I push them away without meaning to. Or if people are genuinely just. Completely uninterested in me. 💀

*I* think that I’m pretty fun and special and funny and sexy.

But I’m definitely kinda a strange antisocial type of guy lol.

I’ve also definitely spent a lot of time wondering if I would ever actually realistically end up with Saeyoung if I was in the scenario of his route..,

Bc I know that if I was in that apartment with him and he started acting coldly and trying to push me away. I’d get hurt a little too easily. And my borderline personality disorder would kick in and I’d probably start pushing right back. 😅

That combined with my complete and utter lack or experience or comfort with any even remotely romantic scenario…

Realistically I’d probably get a bad ending shdhdhdj.

But I’d like to hope that we’d figure things out… that we’d be able to understand each other enough to push through our respective defense mechanisms. I have so much love in my heart for Saeyoung Choi. I think I might be able to do it for him.

Idk if a day will ever come where I don’t feel mad insecure though haha.

I feel like it's easy to be insecure and afraid of a lot of things in life if you haven't hit the so-called milestones that are expected of you. If you aren't able to fit every life experience people expect out of you for whatever reason by a certain age in life, you feel like a failure and that you're not good enough. It's like if you're not able to get a date, a kiss, a job, go to college, finish a legacy by the age of 25, or what have you.

There is a rush to do everything or else you'll miss out. It's wrong to teach because that's not how life is. You don't need to have every bit of life planned out. Everybody gets to experience something for the first time at a different time. Just because you experience something at a different age than a peer doesn't mean you're failing.

It just means that your experience is different. Say your friend got their first kiss at 16 but you get yours at 22. Is that failure? No. You just had a different experience than theirs. You have a full life ahead of you filled with all kinds of experiences. Some things might happen sooner and some things might come later. That's the way it goes and it's okay if it's later in life. You aren't missing out and you haven't had a moment of failure.

Even if you can rationalize that it's okay to experience things at a different time in life? I know that doesn't take away from insecurities or fears or anything that you're going through. You don't have to be happy about it every day. You don't have to put on a fake smile when you know that it's exhausting. You are allowed to be disheartened in life. But, don't give up on yourself or assume that you're failing. Don't think you've done anything wrong. Don't count yourself out when you haven't found the right place right. 

I can say this much to you. With communication, love, compassion, and faith in your relationship, you can put in the work to make things work.

No relationship comes easy. Everything is built off of communication and boundaries. You Don't Have To Love Yourself To Be Loved. It might take a little bit of work to make things smooth over with your dear Saeyoung, but it’s not impossible. Do you love him? Do you have faith in that? If the answer is yes then you can make this work. Give him time. Give yourself time.

A realistic situation in Mystic Messenger would be messier and harder to navigate than what our default MC can do. MC doesn't react like many of us do because it is made to be romanticized and work out every time. So, yeah, it would be different if you were in the apartment. But don't assume that means that you couldn't make it work. You can. 

It might look a little different than the idealized form that you see in the game but that doesn't mean that it's any less of what you dream of. You can be happy with him. He can be happy with you. As long as you have faith in that, you can overcome a lot. You can make it work as long as you are trying your best. 

If nothing else, be aware that he is just as insecure and afraid. He's not going into this knowing that things are going to be okay or even being confident in himself. So I think if you take a little bit of a step back you could see that you're not the only one who's afraid of this going wrong. Love is messy and tough but it is also beautiful and wonderful.

If you believe in it and he believes in it, this can work out just like you want. 

I hope that one day you can look in the mirror and feel good about yourself. Even if it's only for a second. Even if it's only for a minute. Everybody deserves a chance to see themselves and actually like the person that's looking back at them. 

The tldr; is simply that if you love them they will love you. 

[marshmallowprotection]

I LOVE ballroom dancing… I haven’t been able to do it for a while bc I just haven’t had the time or energy… but I did ballroom dancing club all throughout high school and that shit slapped.

I love a good waltz or foxtrot.

I was also a ballet kid. And I was damn good at it too. 😤😤 until I stopped being able to afford my classes 😔

And it’s just so fun to me to be able to practice something like a dance over and over again until you get it perfect… Such a delightful satisfying experience for me.

Ngl one of my biggest romantic fantasies is being over dramatically and goofy swept off my feet into a dance by Saeyoung. With lots of overzealous spins and dips… affectionate laughter. c’:

Catch me forcing him to dance to the Christmas waltz, my favorite Christmas song, with me haha

Xoxo pukey Saeyoung anon gossip girl

You can count on him to make that dream come true for you. But you should really be worried about the day that he finally decides he wants to make a setup for you to dance in that seems wonderful and amazing all at once. It might be overwhelming when you come into the living room and it looks like a perfect fantasy. But, he's the kind of person that wants to be able to make you smile and God forbid he doesn't give you the room to go along with it.

[marshmallowprotection]

Hi this is pukey Saeyoung anon (lol)

I just wanted to say thank you again for that little Drabble. And just for everything you do.

It definitely brightened my day and gave me the strength to push through the rest of my shift. <3

Even if the thought of Saeyoung doing that high key made me want to cry. They were good tears haha. That shit would make me feel so safe and cozy and cared for… I love him with my whole heart 😭 if I found that Saeyoung rubber duck amongst the bubbles I would 1000% pepper its little duck head with so many kisses.

Aw, I'm happy to hear that it helped a bit! I'm sure that a little fluff goes a long way when you want to feel better, and having Saeyoung do something silly is always the fix!