#batpiggies

[yeetus-feetus]

need a follow up where Damian and Dick end up in a few Sesame Street episodes and are introduced as little D and Big D where they interact with the puppets and explain the importance of family, whether you're blood-related or not, and how differences shouldn't divide a family but strengthen it.

(I love the little life lessons this show provides for kids and parents watching with them)

Damian and Elmo obviously wouldn't get along at first, but then they become friends through the lesson of what it means to share and be patient with one another.

And Dick can get all those funny educational musical numbers with Abby or something where we get to see his bad dance moves.

I feel like Bruce Wayne projects the kind of amiable playboy 'fun' vibe that he'd be the type of celebrity that certain interviewers feel comfortable surprising with puppies.

You know the kind of shows I mean.

The late-night talk show situations where they're making benign small talk with their smiling guest, and there's a segment where animals get brought out, usually to talk about some sort of ecological relief effort.

So you're watching your trash TV talk show late at night, and you get to watch billionaire pretty boy Bruce Wayne be begrudgingly talked into holding a (relatively) harmless creature which inevitably gets a lot of delighted shrieks from the audience as it starts being a lot more active than the handler promised. And to his credit, Bruce doesn't flinch, he doesn't freak out. But his eyes are a little wide, and his voice a little tight as the smile on his face takes on a slight rictus quality before he's inevitably rescued by an apologetic handler who is also laughing because they all know there was no real danger, it was just funny to put Bruce, who is an undeniable good sport and already laughing along, out of his comfort zone for the sake of charity.

Meanwhile, up in the Justice League headquarters, several founding members of the League are wondering how fast they can get a fake Oscar award shipped to the space station because fuck off. Absolutely fuck off, Bruce. Where the fuck did he study? Juilliard? (Probably.)

(Clark ends up going to a novelty store during the commercial break. It's faster than trying to get anything shipped, even with the infrastructure Bats built for them. He finds it several days later taped to his console in a conspicuously empty briefing room. It's gaudy and awful, the words "Best Actor" engraved on the plaque. No one's around to see him smile. No one comments when it vanishes. Everyone thinks it's been yeeted out an airlock. Dick absolutely comments when it shows up in the manor, stashed in one of the trophy cases that sprung up for all the bat kids' school awards. Bruce has no idea how it got there. Must have been Alfred. (It was not.))

Anyway, consider, for your amusement, Bruce Wayne getting highjacked on The Gotham Toight Show with a handful of wriggling puppies and, for a split second, not having to pretend he's delighted to be there.

[tracidant]

The Muse has been active the last few days. 🙂

Writing prompt: the batfamily adopts multiple guinea pigs

Damian called an emergency Robin meeting.

"Father says I'm only allowed to have 1 guinea pig, but there are 5 total in the litter, so each of you must adopt one, so we can rescue the whole group. Before you start whining, Drake..."

"I didn't say a thing!"

Damian glared at Tim. "I shall take care of them, feed them, and clean the cages. All you have to do is say they're yours and play with them occasionally. I've already chosen tentative names, but if you wish to name yours yourself, I have a list of acceptable names from which you can choose. I have folders for each of you on proper guinea pig care, plus a picture of the ones I've chosen for you. Are there any questions?"

"Little D, what if someone doesn't want a guinea pig? Most of us don't even live here at the Manor. I don't even live in Gotham!"

Damian reached behind him and pulled out a folder. He handed it to Dick. "Grayson, this is the one I chose for you. She matches Haley's color perfectly, and I've chosen the name Mary for her to honor your mother."

Dick sighed. "Ok then. I guess Haley has a sister now."

Damian nodded at his oldest brother before turning to an excited Stephanie. "Brown, before you ask, yes. You may name yours Waffles. I have more dignified names on the list, but if I picked one of those, you would just give it a ridiculous nickname anyway. It's a boy, by the way." He handed Stephanie her folder.

"Sweet! I got a piggie named Waffles!" She opened her folder. "Oh yay! He's even got crazy hair!"

"Todd. Put your hand down. Yours is female, and you may NOT call her Pig. Creativity won't kill you. Speaking of what will, Crowbar is not an acceptable name either."

"Ouch, kid! Maybe I won't take one then."

"And maybe I have new evidence of a certain mysterious food poisoning incident at Blackgate that occurred at the same time you were a guest there a few years ago."

Jason and Damian stared at each other for a few moments.

Jason blinked first. "Fine. So what's my new pet's name?"

"Well, I know you've been rewatching 'Game of Thrones' recently, and your love of warrior women is no secret, so yours is Lady Brienne. I do have a list of other names..."

"Nah, Brienne is perfect."

"Excellent choice, Todd. Here's your folder."

"Drake, I've given a great deal of thought to the name of your guinea pig. It's a male, by the way, and I've decided on Peter Parker."

Tim was a bit taken aback and a bit suspicious too. "You named mine after Spider-Man? That's actually pretty cool. But why?"

"He reminds me of you. He's really one of the most powerful Avengers, yet he'll gladly step back to being the 'friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man' when needed. You didn't think twice about stepping back into the Robin role when I was gone, because you knew that's where you were needed."

"Wow. Thank you, Damian. I didn't realize you saw me that way." Damian nodded and handed Tim his folder.

"I'm not a child anymore, Drake. I can admit that others are better at things than I am."

"So what's your piggie's name, Damian?"

"Her name is Mademoiselle Marie, Brown. She was a leader in the French Resistance..."

"Wait, isn't that Alfred's baby mama's name?"

"Correct. Although I wouldn't refer to her by that term around Pennyworth."

A week later, the Robins got together again to put together the giant habitats for their new pets. (The empty bedroom next to Damian's was taken over for the newest members of the family.) There were two main sections, so the males and females could be kept apart, with a divider that could be removed for supervised interactions. Both sections had several water bottles, feeding stations, tubes, wheels, and sleeping areas.

Bruce and Alfred were watching the scene from the hallway.

"I know this was just Damian's way of getting all five of those guinea pigs, despite me telling him he could only have one, but at least they're working together."

"I've noticed Master Damian has been much more agreeable towards Master Timothy as well. They're actually working on a case together willingly. Perhaps five guinea pigs are a small price to pay, Master Bruce."

"Yeah, but Duke and Cassandra will be back next week, and I heard Damian mention something about a bonded pair of rabbits at the shelter."

The two men sighed. "Well, we do have plenty of extra rooms, I suppose."