#bastards BASTARDS i say. and then they go on to fuck in the bushes without hearing the boring and annoying gossip from the jianghu!

[leatherbookmark]

actually i have discovered the only true and correct reading of md/zs: wgxn are the true Evil Men of mdzs. just look at how they’re dealing with lxc post-guanyin

[klaus-littlestwolf]

Alpha!Daemon Targaryen meets his Omega

The king had taken you in upon realizing that you were an Omega.

You were the daughter of Vaemond though he would never acknowledge you as his as you were just a bastard, though you were also the first Targaryen offspring of any kind that was an Omega in nearly 100 years. There were a few Alphas such as Daemon and Corlys but no Omegas.

Viserys ensured you were given the best education possible (considering you didn’t present until you were 14 and had lived as an orphan until then) and kept you close with constant guards, unwilling to risk a rouge Beta deciding that fucking a Targaryen Omega would be fun.

You became quite close with Rhaenyra and neither of you was usually seen without the other. You had arrived in the palace after being found by a guard in the street only about 2 weeks after the beginning of Daemons war in the step stones.

You had been told plenty about Daemon by your best friend who admitted she had had a little crush on him before falling in love with Ser Harwin Strong. You wondered quite a bit about the rouge Prince but for the most part you put it out of your mind.

You didn’t meet Daemon until 3 years later, you had settled into being a lady and for the most part gotten a handle on life in the capital, so of course someone would show up and turn it on its head. The smell washed over you almost instantly as he knelt down before the king, handing over his make-shift crown and you froze. You had always been tense around Alphas, it’s just common sense when you’re an Omega, especially one without any kind of defense training which you didn’t have since you had guards at all times but you do wish you could feel safer in knowing you could protect yourself, at least a little bit.

His scent though…it washed over you in waves and you were overcome by the rush of calm and need your Alphas scent delivered you. He was in the middle of hugging his brother when his body went stiff and you knew he smelled you too.

“Help?” You whispered to Rhaenyra, her looking over you and realizing what was happening fast.

“Are you sure? It could only be-“

“Your Omega brother! This is wonderful! Y/n is the only Omega in the castle, where are you child?” Rhaenyra pulled you down and through the side door, having avoided the guards who were listening to Damon’s shocking news.

“You do know you can’t avoid him, right? Daemon is…tenacious to say the least.” She teased and you smiled a bit as you both quickly made your way outside and into the gardens.

“I understand but I don’t want all of those people watching like it is their own affair.”

If anyone understood you in the world it was her, for the most part at least. You were only alone in the Godswood for about 5 minutes before you heard footsteps and looked up to see her father walking towards you with a battalion of guards.

“Go, it’s okay. Get back to your room, you’ll be safer there than anywhere else. I’ll handle my father, go!” She pushed you and you stumbled back before running through the bushes of flowers and trees, only just having looked back to see if she had followed when you plowed into a firm, hard body.

“You must be Y/n.” He spoke and you nodded your head cautiously, taking a step back but his face softened. “Don’t be frightened. I know my reputation but no harm will ever befall you while I am here lovely Omega.” His face was smirking but the thrumming bond that snapped in place the second you smelled each other was weighing down on you, pushing you to relax. “I mean what I say, you are safe my sweet Byka rūklon. I am your protector now.” (Little Flower)

He held out his arm, I suppose trying to be less intimidating and I enjoyed it quite a bit having heard the tales of Daemon Targaryen, rider of Caraxes. Everyone said that you couldn’t help but feel fear when he stared down at you, an intimidating presence to say the least but all I felt from him in that moment was adoration. I took his arm after a brief pause and he smiled, his face relieving itself of that signature smirk and led me back to the castle. “Oh Good! You’ve found her brother.” The king spoke as he stood by the door with my guards who moved to stand behind me before Daemon stopped them.

“You two have been relieved of your duties.” They looked stunned for a second but given that its Daemon that said if they quickly took off before he decided to have their heads removed from their bodies for standing too close to me.

“Brother? You can’t possibly think you can protect her alone, you have duties to-“

“I very well could protect her alone! However I will choose guards to stay with her who won’t lose her in a throne room whenever she decides to go for a walk. I need men far less stupid and I will appoint them when we return to Dragonstone to marry. You’ll love it there Byka rūklon, I promise you. Let us go, the flight will take about 6 hours.”

“You’re leaving already? Daemon, don’t you think-“

“I would like to marry my Omega as soon as possible, you understand that brother. Nothing that need be too planned, we will marry in the ways of our ancestors. I will wait until you and Rhaenyra can be there, I’m sure my Omega wants her friend there, don’t you Byka rūklon?” I nodded quickly.

“Please? It would feel wrong without her…Alpha.” I added Alpha at the end, seeing how much he longed for it by the look on his face.

“Anything you want, always.” Daemon pulled me close to his chest, kissing my head and I welcomed the comfort he now delivered me, his scent flooding my senses and effecting me greatly. “Will you bring her things for her my dear niece? It will be greatly appreciated.” I could tell Daemon was rushing as he began moving again and I knew how much he hated these people and this place, pulling me towards the exit with the King and my friend behind to see us off I suppose. Rhaenyra had told me how much Daemon preferred Dragonstone to Kings Landing, less conniving, conspiring people there and one less Otto Hightower who I admittedly didn’t like either. Speaking of whom.

“Daemon, leaving already?” We we’re almost at the door to the front gates when he had cut him off, looking at me the entire time. He had always stared at me and struck me as the sort of Beta I needed to be protected from. My guards always kept me at least a good 5 feet from him making me incredibly grateful that they answered to the King directly and never the Hand.

“I would like to be back on Dragonstone with my Omega as soon as I can, not that it’s any of your business.” I could hear my Alphas distaste in his voice as he practically spit the words at him. As Otto took a step closer I tightened my grip on Daemons hand and he looked down at me curiously, seeing I wouldn’t take my eyes off of him and that seemed to be enough.

“Well we will certainly miss your presence in our halls my dear Omega.” Daemons hand was gone from mine so quickly I barely had time to look up before he was pressing him to the wall and choking the life out of him.

“Daemon!” Viserys shouted, watching his brother but keeping the guards from stopping him, turning his head to me.

“You think you get to call her that? You think that’s appropriate for you Beta?! No one calls my Omega that but me, you disgusting old bat!” Otto was making a choking noise and while I enjoyed it I knew I had to calm him now before the Hand lost his head. While Daemon would be in his rights to protect me, many would dispute it and we surely wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon.

I reached out, placing my hand onto his shoulder and while his muscles tensed for a second they quickly relaxed again. “Alpha. It’s okay.”

“Why do you fear him? Answer me quickly Omega.” He warned, his hand tightening and a quiet whine coming from Otto.

“I am uncomfortable with the way he looks at me, however the guards never let him close. All is well…Please Daemon? If you kill him leaving now is not an option.” I reminded, his hand releasing the man instantly and turning to me before he collapsed to the floor.

“His eyes will never linger on you again Byka rūklon, you have my word…brother. I will see you in a few days. Do not bring this snake with you.” He turned to hug his brother as Rhaenyra hugged me close.

“Hop on Syrax and come visit often, okay? You can stay a few nights, escape Alicent and skip your schooling with me.” I teased feeling her giggle as she held me.

“I promise. I’ll come a few weeks after the wedding.”

“Weeks?”

“You’ll be busy afterwards, trust me. I know Daemon. He has the blood of the Dragon, and it runs hot. Be safe, and good luck in the sky. Hold on tightly.” I was confused for a moment before understanding her meaning. I had always hesitated to get onto Syrax with her, scared of falling off but now it’s not Syrax I’ll be riding.

My hand was taken again and pulled out the door and towards the big red beast in the courtyard causing me to pull back, Daemon turning to face me and smiling at my nervous face. “It’s alright Byka rūklon, I won’t let you fall.”

“What about getting eaten before I even get onto him!?” He snorted, holding me to him tighter and leading me forward, the dragons eyes on me as we got closer.

“Caraxes understands more than you think, he feels what I feel for you and he would never hurt you because that would hurt me.” The white haired man took hold of my hand and held it in his with his other arm around my waist, holding my hand in his up to the giant scaly creature. “You are the only person other than me that he will feel the need to protect. All dragons protect their riders mates, but Omegas even more so.” He leaned into my much smaller hand and I felt his cold scales on my skin, Damon moving my other hand to stroke up his snout.

“Rytsas Caraxes.” I knew my pronunciation was shit but the Blood Worm made a purring noise that rivaled my own with how deep and lovely it was.

“That was wonderful. Has Rhaenyra been teaching you?” I nodded my head.

“So that we could talk without most understanding, especially the Queen.” I giggled, continuing to pet the Dragon who leaned his head into my body which would have knocked me over had Daemon not been behind me holding on.

“Lykiri!” Daemon commanded though he just continued leaning into me.

“It’s okay…I like it.”

“Hmm…just wait until you are carrying my child. He will never want to leave your side. Aegon the Conquerors Omega was nearly always with Balerion when she was with child, he was a protective beast. Knowing Caraxes you’re going to have an even harder time being alone.” He teased and while he meant to make me laugh it actually sounded quite nice to be honest.

“We’re going to be the best of friends, huh?” He trilled out a wonderful sound but unlike the sound a bird makes the ground nearly vibrated with it, it was so deep. “I think I like the sound of that.” I told Daemon whose hand traveled down from my waist to cup my sex through my dress making me gasp as my body became tingly.

“Then we’d better get started, shouldn’t we?” He spoke in my ear, causing my body to shiver excitedly. “I’m going to fill you up so full there will be no doubt that you are carrying my child, and no Beta will dare lay eyes on you again! You will spend the rest of forever filled with my children, Gods I want to fill this cunt so desperately! All mine!” He growled, his other hand now squeezing my tit as he kissed my neck roughly.

“All yours Alpha! Whenever you want, forever!” I was becoming very turned on but just as quickly as he started groping me, he stopped and lifted me over his shoulder roughly, climbing up onto Caraxes and placing me in front of him so I would not fall off.

“Hold on Omega.”

“You think!?” He cackled at my shout and I rolled my eyes.

“Riding dragons is what you will be doing the rest of your life, enjoy it, there’s no way to get away from it now.” His threat was playful but I considered it for a moment…I don’t think I want to get away from this. This is perfect.

Daemon T. Masterlist

[furious-blueberry0]

Are there people out there that really think that Star Wars is too political? And say that as if it is a flaw?

Like, I’m sorry, but did people seriously look at a saga literally named Star WARS and manage to complain about the fact that it has politics? Did these people watch the movies and only saw the lightsabers, the cool music and the pew pews? Is that all their brain could comprehend?

I’m not saying that you can’t do that, if you want to look at the fun side of the saga only than good for you, but using the argument of “too much politics” and make it the flaw of the story is so stupid.

Like that’s the point, THAT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT.

George Lucas didn’t just make a story of a good guy vs a bad guy, he made a story where a Republic, a just system that has become corrupted to its core, finds itself into a devastating war and is pushed to its limit by a slimy and disgusting scheming bastard (inspired by George Bush), who then uses its weakness to take control of it and transform it, from a free system to a fascist dictatorship (inspired by Nazi Germany and the USA of the Vietnam war) and whose one of the first things he does is a literal genocide and ethnical cleansing of a religious order.

And this is only the Prequels, because in the OT the story is about how this Empire, whose head and right hand are literally the most powerful beings in the galaxy, gets utterly destroyed not by other powerful beings, not by superpowers, not by mystical forces that the human mind can’t comprehend.

But by people, normal people, the average person, who can’t fly, who can’t use mystical objects, who cannot move things with the mind or other tricks.

The heroes of these movies are the rebels, who are not fighting because of some ancient prophecy, or because of a quest given by mystical beings, or because they have to restore the fabric of the Universe, they fight because it’s the right thing to do, because this is what happens when you take away freedom from people, when you destroy their homes, when you kill their loved ones, when you obliterate everything they have ever known and loved.

Treat people like animals and they’ll react like animals, by biting the hand that carries the stick and then ripping it into shreds.

And yes, Luke is the hero that saves the day by killing Sidious and Vader, but he would have never, and I say NEVER have arrived at that point without the help of the Rebellion, it’s something that no one could have ever done alone, a single individual against an entire Empire is a suicide, no matter how powerful you are.

And I love it. I don’t even know how to put it into words, I love how this ancient and meticulous plan gets annihilated by normal people, who just wanted to be free.

THIS is Star Wars: a fight against tyranny.

And it makes me sad how people forget and ignore it. With the Rebellion it’s not just the special people who can be heroes, everyone can! And they don’t even need to do the heroic actions described in the stories and the myths.

A Hero says “No” when the Stormtroopers ask if they saw the young and scared boy who ran and hid behind the bins near their home.

A Hero gives extra blankets and food to the neighbor that is hiding refugees.

A Hero “accidentally” blocks the way of a squad of Stormtroopers, to give others the time to escape.

A Hero hides the weapons of the rebels in their well while the Stormtroopers raid all the houses.

A Hero runs through the streets and into the woods to go find the rebels that are hiding there, to tell them it’s time to run

A Hero talks loudly about the atrocities that the Empire is committing, forcing those who are silent to listen.

A Hero comforts the mother who lost all her children to the Empire.

A Hero organizes the funeral of that same mother, after she tried to take her revenge.

A Hero doesn’t let the Empire enter their head, they don’t let it change their being.

It’s all about the small acts of insurrection that pushes the line forward.

[lxstfathier]

Animals

Phillip Graves x Reader

Summary: you knew your commander was interested in you, but you don’t like him in the slightest, and he’s not used to being rejected. You will be his, one way or another.

Warnings: non-con, unprotected sex, p in v, porn without plot, slapping, choking, manhandling, implied kidnapping.

A/N: i wanted to write non-con for sooo long and now i finally got the courage to do it. But, if i’m being honest, i think it fits more as dub-con. However, this fic is inspired on the song Animals by Maroon 5, give it a listen if you can. That’s all i had to say lol, sorry for any errors english is not my first language, and thanks for all the support, hope you enjoy this as well 💗

Read at your own risk

“Did you really think you could run away from me?”

Graves’ voice is dark, low, and filled with lust, much more frightening than anything you ever heard before. His whole weight is pressing against your back, pinning you to the ground, and one of his hands grabs a fistful of you hair, forcing your face to the dirt.

“Let me go, please!” You beg, crying and shaking in pure fear, now regretting all those times where you rejected his romantic interests in you.

“Are you scared now?” He coos, mocking your desperate cries. “Too bad darlin’, cause i won’t let you go until i get what i want.”

And you know exactly what he wants. He’s gonna get between your legs and do all those gross things that he has fantasized about for months. And there’s nothing you can do to stop him right now, he’s bigger and stronger than you, he’s gonna take whatever he wants, whether you like it or not.

Without wasting no more time, Graves grabs both of your wrists, tying them together with a zip tie behind your back, and then proceeds to cut your pants and underwear with his knive, leaving your ass exposed in the cold air, all while you cry and whine at him to stop.

“Go ahead and scream all you want baby, no one’s gonna hear ya’ “ he says, leaving his knife aside and undoing his pants. Hearing your pretty cries has made him hard as a rock, and he can’t wait to claim you.

But, as desperate as you are, you know he’s right. You’re both too far away from the military base, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded only by trees and bushes. No one will hear you even if you scream at the top of your lungs. So you decide to save your voice, accepting the fate that your commander is creating for you.

Just let him satiate his needs and it all will be over soon.

Graves positions himself between your legs and grabs you by the hips, lifting you up a little bit. The pink tip of his cock already prodding at your bare pussy. And, without a warning, he slides into you with one powerful thrust, grunting in pleasure as you sob in pain.

He sets a brutal pace, abusing your tight little cunt with his big cock, slamming against your cervix over and over, his strong hold on your hips bruising your delicate skin.

“I knew you’d feel so fucking good. Fuck- you were made for me baby, even if you think you’re not.” He growls into your ear, resting his chest on your back. And a sweet moan scapes your lips. “What’s that? huh? are you enjoying my cock?.”

You know you’re wrong, it’s sick to moan in pleasure when he’s taking advantage of you like a fucking monster, but the way he stretches you open and hits all your sweet spots is way too good to ignore. The pain has faded and now your cunt is begging for more, coating his length with your slick, and arching your back to give him a better access.

Graves lets out a dark chuckle, knowing that he somehow managed to break you and make you forget that it’s all against your will, just lifting his ego impossibly high, feeling like the proudest bastard around.

What would your colleagues say if they saw you both fucking like animals in heat?.

You moan again, clenching around him, getting that familiar sensation building up in the pit of your stomach, closer to your release with each one of his violent thrusts. But he suddenly stops before you can reach it, pulling out just to quickly manhandle you into a new position.

Now with your back on the damp forest dirt and your legs spread open, you can clearly see him leaning on top of you as he slides inside your wet heat again. God, he’s handsome, but so damn evil.

“You like getting used like a whore, don’t ya’?” He asks, staying still, looking down at you with his pretty blue eyes. But, when you don’t answer, one hard slap against your cheek makes your face go red. “I asked you a question.”

“Y-yes, i like it sir” you say, kinda enjoying the burning sensation on your skin.

“Such a nasty little girl” his voice sends shivers down your spine, and his right hand finds a place in your throat, squeezing tight as he starts thrusting again, this time harder than before.

You squirm under him, feeling his thick cock pounding your tiny hole in the most delicious way, gasping for air while your orgasm comes closer again. But he’s choking you hard enough to cut all your airflow and fear washes over you once more. He could kill you right there if he wanted, there’s nothing to stop him, not even your own hands to push him away.

It’s a weird feeling. You’re scared to death, you don’t know if your commander will be kind enough to let you live, and still you can’t help but feel extremely aroused, bucking your hips to meet his thrusts, making your clit brush against his pubic bone.

Graves grunts in your ear and you finally come undone, writhing and spasming in pure bliss, soaking his cock in your sweet juices. And he follows right after you, swearing under his breath, filling your womb with white spurts of cum, loosening his grip on your throat just as you’re about to pass out.

You both stay still for a few seconds, panting and riding out your orgasms.

“I hate you” you say once you can speak again, looking up at the bright blue sky above, angry at him for what he just did and way too disgusted with yourself for enjoying such thing.

“Don’t lie princess” he speaks, a sick smirk appearing on his face. “If you hated me, you wouldn’t be creaming all over my fucking cock.”

Tears stream down your face and Graves pulls out of your poor pussy, staying on his knees while he admires the mess he made. His hot cum slowly dripping out of your abused hole, your bruised hips, the red skin of your neck and your sad eyes filled with tears. Way more beautiful than anything he had ever laid his eyes on.

You sit up, trying to get away from him, silently begging him to untie your hands and let you go, not even caring if your legs are still weak, you’re ready to run away as soon as he cuts the zip tie on your wrists.

But what a naive and innocent creature. Did you really thought he would fulfill his promise of letting you go? Did you really thought that you could give him a taste and then expect him to cut you loose? Oh, darling, what a shame.

“You know what, baby?… i’m gonna keep you all to myself.” Phillip says, caressing your cheek, the rough material of his black gloves absorbing your tears. “Just as a pretty toy for me to fuck whenever i want.”

Say bye to the army and your old life, you’re his now.

[otomehonyaku]

Diabolik Lovers Lost Eden Stellaworth Tokuten Short Stories スペシャル特典小冊子 ☽ Yuma ver.

This short story booklet was part of the Stellaworth set for Lost Eden! Keep reading below the cut for Yuma's version. Kou's and Azusa's are coming soon!

S ☽ [Ayato’s version by @kyouxa] [Laito’s version by @kyouxa] [Shuu’s version] [Reiji’s version] [Kanato’s version] [Subaru’s version]

M ☽ [Ruki’s version] [Yuma's version] [Kou’s version] [Azusa’s version]

TK ☽ [Carla’s version] [Shin’s version] [Kino’s version]

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

As always, special thanks to @karleksmumskladdkaka for providing the scans ♡⸜(˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝ Please do not reuse or post my translations elsewhere or translate my work into other languages without my permission.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I wanted to atone for my sins, that bastard–Shuu had said. 

At the time, I thought he was fucking with me, but when I thought about it, I realised I might actually be trying to do the same..

☽

“Fuck… Where’d that pipsqueak go?” I barged through the streets in a quiet Eden. 

Eden is about as big as it looks. It’s got plenty of hiding places, which I knew from the time I spent here growing up. That meant that trying to find someone here was next to impossible.

To make matters worse, the person I was looking for was about as tiny as a sprout. 

“Yuma?”

When I turned the corner, the person I saw unfortunately wasn’t the kid I was looking for… or so I thought. There he was, staring up at me in amazement from my girl’s arms.

“Huh, so he was with you…”

I sighed heavily. He seemed to be sleeping pretty soundly, too, completely oblivious to my relief. 

As soon as the kid became able to move on his own, he disappeared as soon as you took your eyes off him. It’s not like the pipsqueak could actually run around and get very far, but his unpredictable movements made me anxious to lose sight of him.

“Jeez… I thought he’d be a bit more well-behaved.”

Unlike that pain-in-the-ass, I wanted to say, but I kept my mouth shut.

“Don’t you think he’s starting to resemble you, Yuma?”

“What? You don’t know that. He can’t even talk yet.”

“I know, but… When I see you two side by side, you do kind of look alike. Maybe because you spend so much time together.”

I fell silent. She looked me in the eye, a kind smile on her face. She probably saw right through my behaviour, too.

The reason why I needed to protect this… this kid… was it really because I wanted to atone for my sins? I suddenly pondered that question. Boss was killed under my watch–twice–and then Shuu went and died on me too. Those sins of mine might’ve been weighing on me more than I’d initially thought.

Still, even if I make amends, that bastard is no longer around to see it. And it’s not just him. I lost everything dear to me many times over, and even the most important things to me now I can count on one hand.

And that’s when this little creature came into my life. 

I had to protect him. I couldn’t just let him die like I had let the others die. At least, that’s what I thought–that I wanted to repent. But at the same time, I was also kinda hesitant to attribute that sentiment to something else.

She didn’t beat around the bush, though–she told me it was love.

“Ah, did we wake you?”

The kid, who’d been cooped up in her arms, slowly stirred awake. He opened his eyes, still a bit sleepy, and looked in my direction as he yawned unabashedly. A big, carefree yawn. The fact that his languid expression reminded me of a certain someone irritated me, but I felt myself relax a little, too.

“Not a single thought going on in that lil’ head, huh? Just like that NEET.”

She laughed.

“C’mere. I’ll hold him.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, ‘n gimme your hand, too.”

I grabbed her small hand in mine while I held the baby in the other. These were the two people I wanted to protect most of all. Their warmth proved that they were alive and well, and when they were near me, my mind went in all sorts of foolish directions.

Even if this was my atonement, I strongly felt that I never, ever wanted to lose these two. And that was enough for me. It wasn’t really in my nature to worry about these kinds of things, after all.

Having put my doubts behind me, I felt myself getting tired, too. I couldn’t hold back a yawn. 

“Ah, look at him.”

The kid stared up at us as he yawned in the exact same way, earning a chuckle from my girl.

[stat1cstarz]

TREVOR PHILIPS

NSFW ALPHABET

Not into Trevor at the moment.. but haven’t seen anyone else do him, so I felt like doing it.

Warnings:rough sex,absolutely filthy bastard

Genre:smut

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He barely takes care of himself, if you’ve seen his trailer you know what I’m talking about. I doubt the shower works anyways, but he’s still mindful of you, and he’ll try to take care of you. Either getting you something to eat, like take out, getting you a drink,etc.. his favorite form of after care though is cuddling you. Just ignore the stench.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He’s pretty insecure I feel, so he doesn’t really like any part of his body, but I’d go with his arms and his dick. His arms because they’re practically weapons for him, and if he didn’t have them he’d probably be broke, or dead. His dick because, well, you know how he is.. he’s a hoe, but we still love him

For you, he loves your ass, he loves thick girls to. So if you have a fat ass, he’s gonna call them his stress balls, cause he’ll take out all his emotions on it. He’ll spank it,bite it,lick it, he has no boundaries when it comes to ass.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He’d prefer if it was on you, he doesn’t see a point of cumming inside you since he’s probably infertile anyways. But whenever he cums,he usually gives you a lot, he likes saving it all for you. But he’ll try to aim for your chest or ass, but he’ll cum in you if you tell him to, but it won’t be the first place he goes for.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

I don’t know why, but I see him as the type to wanna get pegged by his partner, he wouldn’t be super open to it though, since he feels like it would ruin his image. But if you’re able to get past that, he’s good with it, he can be a bratty sub to though.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He’s experienced, he’s had sex on multiple occasions, so he knows what he’s doing. He’s also pretty smart, so he’d pick up quickly on what you like. Where to touch you,your kinks,etc..

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Doggy style, he loves ass. I also feel like he’d be into full Nelson to, mainly cause he likes to be rough with you. He likes that he can hold you by your throat,while slamming inside you at a inhuman pace(probably cause he just snorted some bath salts)

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Serious, only goofy on accident

He’s pretty humorous, especially around you,Micheal,and Franklin. But he sees sex as something serious, he feels like being funny would ruin it, and the mood. He’d also believe that all his progress went out the window, especially if he wanted to try something new, or tried to do something romantic.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Bob Ross bush, he doesn’t shave anything except his face. He’d shave it if that’s what you’d prefer, but if not, he’s just gonna leave it alone.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

He’s pretty rough on you, but he can still be romantic. He’d light candles for you in the bedroom, than shove you face down, ass up into the bed. That’s just how he is lol.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He jerks off pretty frequently, but not when you’re home. He only jerks off at work or when he’s in Los Santos or outside of Sandy shores and can’t get help from you. He does like jerking off around you though, like mutual masturbation or voyeurism/having you watch.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Daddy/Mommy kink, slapping,spanking,bondage

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Anywhere, literally, anywhere. He has no respect for other people,and he’s a cracked out killer, he’d fuck you in front of a playground if he was horny enough.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Meth, I don’t know if a high libido comes with being high, but when he’s high he’s practically begging for you.

Or when you compliment him, like tell him he’s handsome,hot, etc.. he’s gonna be all over you

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Degrading,he only talks to people he hates like that,and he doesn’t wanna think of them. He’s also insecure already, and wouldn’t wanna be talked to like that,especially from his partner

He also wouldn’t wanna include blood,shit,or piss

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

He prefers receiving, mainly cause he never gave oral, and doesn’t know what he’s doing. So you’d have to warm him up to it, but don’t push him. Than he’ll just get uninterested in oral all together

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Rough and fast, CBAT shit

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He’s ok with them, if you’re horny enough or if he is, he wouldn’t mind getting you off.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Pretty risky, and ok with experimenting, only if you’re ok with it. But if you tell him about something, he’d be down to try it. One thing he likes is public sex. One time he took you to a drive in theater, it was pretty crowded, with cars everywhere.

But he decided to try some cockwarming, so there you were, him buried balls deep inside you, on the back of his truck, while a movie was playing

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He’s athletic, and usually cracked out on speed, so he can go for about 3-4 rounds till he’s tired or someone’s overstimulated. He’s also got enough experience to last a while, he prefers if you cum first anyways, so he’ll try to cum after you

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He’s good with toys, he’s willing to use them on you or himself. Wanna try double penetration? He’s got enough dildos for both of y’all. You like vibrators? What level do you want? You like anal? He’s ready for that to

In conclusion: he’s prepared for whatever you throw at him

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He loves teasing you, making you beg for him makes him hard as a rock.

He also likes being teased, it gives him a reason to punish you and spank you, especially if you tease him around the two other cunts, or try to get attention from Franklin or Micheal. Or if you embarrass him around some important people or business partners

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Loud as hell, the whole trailer park can hear him.

He prefers making growls and grunts to, it’s rare they you’ll catch him moaning

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

He loves fucking you while you’re drunk, or on your period. He loves that you’re so horny for him, and you just need him inside you. He wouldn’t fuck you on you period tho, but he wouldn’t mind fingering you. He wouldn’t want blood on his dick, but he gets blood on fingers a lot so he wouldn’t mind it.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

I know that he says he’s not big, but he is

I’ve seen him in just his underwear, and dear lord-

He’s about 9 inches, and 10 when erect. He’s also pretty girthy, but he’s mainly long. He’s not super big in terms of weight, but he’s about 6’1-6’3, so he’s got a good amount of length on him.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

High as shit, he’d fuck you everyday if overstimulation wasn’t a issue

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He goes to sleep late and wakes up late. You always fall asleep first,he also wants to make sure you’re safe to before he decides to sleep

[chenziee]

Of Murder bunnies and stray marimos

Second of my @zosanauzine fics! This one is a part of the digital NSFW add-on~ (Even though they only kiss and say fuck a lot, sorry xD)

The aftersales are still going and B/C grade books are in stock now too so check it out if you haven't!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

[ READ ON AO3 | KO-FI ]

—————

The sun was setting.

The sun was really fucking setting.

They were supposed to have met up hours ago; even Luffy had made it back to the Sunny on time—if only because Nami had told him to be back an hour earlier than everyone else—yet, the stupid swordsman was nowhere to be found.

Not that anyone was surprised but hunting for his… directionally-challenged ass all over the island was always such a waste of time. Not for the first time, Sanji wondered whether they shouldn’t just get a leash for him and tie him to the Sunny’s main mast. Limit his area of unsupervised operations.

Sadly, knowing the Marimo and his track record of making Chopper cry by removing his bandages, he’d just end up chewing through the leash and getting lost anyway.

“Nami~! Let me go explore more,” Luffy whined, drooping over the railing with a pout.

“No,” Nami refused without even looking up from her cartographic notes. “We don’t need two lost children to worry about.”

At that, Luffy stuck his bottom lip out even more. “But I’m so bored!”

“Let’s just leave Zoro here,” Usopp sighed from where he was laying sprawled on the lawn.

“I second that,” Sanji joined in without missing a beat.

More and more voices of agreement started joining in, including the Heart Pirates who had accompanied them on the journey between Wano and the next island, and Nami groaned, “I wish.” She paused to rub the bridge of her nose. “Anyone wanna go look for the idiot?”

“Sanji,” Usopp decided immediately.

Sanji froze in the middle of serving coffee to Robin before he turned to stare at the sniper. “Why the fuck should I go? Do it yourself,” he hissed, then turned back to the most important matter at hand. “Here you go, Robin-chan.”

Robin smiled, accepting the cup. “Thank you. But Usopp is right. You do have the uncanny ability to somehow find Zoro every time.”

"It's not like I—"

"Please, Sanji," Nami said then, giving Sanji an adorable pleading look.

Sanji knew it was on purpose.

He knew she knew he couldn't say no to a lady's request.

But somehow, Sanji couldn’t bring himself to care. He was a proud slave to love, after all. "Of course, Nami-san."

Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Usopp quickly covering his mouth to stifle his snort; Sanji simply clicked his tongue and threw his serving tray at his head. He was only slightly disappointed when Usopp barely managed to avoid the projectile before finally bursting out in uncontrollable laughter.

Bastard.

—————

Sanji grumbled to himself as he made his way through the jungle. It wasn’t that hard to follow the trail of cut off branches and dead or unconscious animals but he couldn’t help but wonder; why him?

Why did he always have to be the one to go look for Zoro?

“Man, this is so fucking annoying!” he snapped, throwing a kick at the next animal to attack him. As if the stupid wandering mosshead wasn’t enough, why did he have to deal with the aggressive wildlife on top of that?

He was really quite done with this island; it had offered a nice variety of cooking ingredients but the bloodthirsty, man-eating bunnies got really old, really fast.

“Oi, Marimo! I know you’re around here! We need to set sail already!” 

Silence. Sanji couldn’t say he was surprised.

He lit himself a cigarette, taking a few drags before he tried again, “Hey, Number 32!”

“What did you just call me, shitty Cook?!”

There we go, Sanji thought to himself, quickly wiping the smile that pulled on his lips off his face. He did not just think Zoro was cute for immediately raising up to the challenge. 

Absolutely not.

So, instead he put on an annoyed expression before making his way through the bushes in the direction the voice had come from.

“There you are, stray Marimo,” he sighed when he made it to the other side and the Marimo in question came to view.

He was standing there, a few of the murder bunnies lying at his feet, a defiant look on his face as he asked, "What do you want, Curly?"

Sanji raised an eyebrow. "Do you realise what time it is? We were supposed to be long gone by now."

"It's not my fault you moved the ship," Zoro snapped.

He obviously tried to sound angry, but at the same time, his eyes veered off to the side, the man refusing to look at Sanji as his ears turned red—although that might have just been the setting sun playing tricks, Sanji chose to believe otherwise. Zoro crossed his arms over his chest before he grumbled something about hopeless crewmates who always got lost the second Zoro took his eyes off them.

Sanji rolled his eyes, biting back the laugh that threatened to bubble out of his chest. Always the same story, always the same excuse.

"The ship hasn't moved since this morning," Sanji said matter-of-factly. "Can't you just admit you're completely fucking lost?"

"No." He sounded so much like a petulant child that this time…

This time Sanji couldn't hold the laughter back. Shaking his head, he sighed, amusement still clear in his voice, “You’re hopeless.”

“Shut up! I’m gonna cut you,” Zoro growled, obviously not happy with Sanji’s teasing—or his glee—while his hand reached for Enma.

Sanji snorted before taking a slow drag of his cigarette, his lips twisting into a challenging smirk as he stepped forward, coming to stand right in front of the swordsman. “As if you could even find me, with your sense of direction.”

“As if I need to look for your ass when you’re right next to me!” Zoro shot back just before the tell-tale metallic sound of a katana leaving its scabbard reached Sanji’s ears.

Taking that as his cue, Sanji moved quickly. He bent his knees slightly, lowering his centre of gravity before shooting forward. Quickly taking his cigarette out of his mouth, he stepped far into Zoro’s personal space, then straightened up, pressing his lips to Zoro’s in a quick kiss.

Zoro froze, his reaction making a smirk pull on Sanji’s lips. “I win.”

Finally, Zoro woke up; resheathing Enma in the most unhappy fashion that he possibly could, the Marimo clicked his tongue in annoyance before he hissed, “That was dirty.”

“I don’t remember there being any rules against it,” Sanji said with a shrug. “Now come on, the others are waiting.”

Turning around, Sanji started heading back the way he came but before he could so much as reach the nearest tree, a hand on his wrist stopped him. He paused, his eyes dropping to where Zoro's fingers held onto his hand before slowly looking up at Zoro questioningly.

He was looking straight at Sanji, an unreadable expression on his face as his grip only tightened. Sanji wanted to ask what was wrong but as soon as he opened his mouth, he closed it again. Seconds passed while the two of them simply stared at each other, neither saying anything, unspoken tension rising until Zoro finally moved.

Or more accurately, pulled on Sanji's hand until he stumbled forward, nearly tripping over his own feet and tumbling to the ground.

Catching himself at the last second, Sanji glared at Zoro. "Oi, Marimo, what the fuck are you—"

Before he could finish the sentence, all words were stolen straight from his mouth when warm lips pressed against his own. Sanji's eyes widened in surprise; for a moment, he couldn't even process what was happening, much less react in any way. He simply stood there, letting Zoro kiss him, the hand that had been gripping his wrist releasing its grip to instead slide down Sanji's palm to lace their fingers together.

It was only when Zoro’s tongue ran over his lips that Sanji’s mind caught up. “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice deceivingly level considering the speed at which his heart was racing.

“What do you think?” Zoro said while rolling his good eye. He didn’t move away the slightest bit either and Sanji could feel every word, every breath on his skin, sending shivers down his spine. “If you were going to do it, you should have done it right.” As soon as Zoro finished talking, he leaned forward, closing the distance again.

This time, Sanji didn’t protest.

He returned the kiss easily, a small laugh escaping him as their lips moved against each other with practised ease, his cigarette slipping through his fingers and falling to the ground when Sanji’s hands automatically wrapped around Zoro’s shoulders. He’d have to remember to pick it up later… but right now, all thought escaped him.

The shitty swordsman was the only thing on his mind; the taste, the smell, the feeling of Zoro against him was familiar, warm and comforting, and it was something Sanji would honestly never get tired of. Just like he would never get tired of the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach every time Zoro touched him like this—not that he'd ever admit to there being any butterflies.

Sanji welcomed the hand that soon found its way on his hip, pushing him back and guiding him until his back hit a tree. Sanji gasped at the impact, a curse on his lips that got swallowed by the tongue that slipped past them. Sanji couldn’t say he was complaining.

Not breaking their kiss, Zoro let go of Sanji’s hand to instead reach upward. Seconds later, warm fingers brushed Sanji's cheek; he had to stop himself from moaning when Zoro buried his fingers in his hair, scratching the scalp slightly. 

Zoro was absolutely doing it on purpose, Sanji knew.

When he cracked his eyes open a little to glare at his partner only to see the cheeky glint in Zoro's gaze, Sanji decided it was high time to push back.

He pulled away slightly, just enough for Zoro to let him go, before going straight for Zoro's neck. Weak point for weak point, right?

Sanji relished in the gasp that Zoro couldn't bite back as soon as Sanji started sucking and licking at the skin just below the swordsman's ear.

But that wasn't enough for Sanji.

He let his hands trace the hems of Zoro's coat before finally slipping them inside, running them over the warm skin of his stomach, then his sides, pushing Zoro's coat open more and more.

Every sharp breath Zoro took, every slight tug on his hair… it was all just making him feel hotter, his skin tingling all over.

If they didn't stop soon…

Suddenly, something rustled behind them.

“Fucking seriously?!” Zoro groaned and Sanji could do nothing but agree with the sentiment.

Moving in tandem, both Zoro and Sanji pulled away from each other, Enma leaving its scabbard at an impossible speed while Sanji’s leg shot out, scalding blue flames licking at his foot. It took only a second for all the fucking bunnies who had attacked all at once to fall to the ground, whimpering after the pirates’ joint attack.

A single second… yet even that was enough to completely murder the mood.

Sanji sighed deeply, pulling out a new cigarette and lighting it, taking a long, long drag. Then another and another. Finally, after most of it was gone, he felt the frustration subside. He turned to look at Zoro, who was still standing there with his katana in hand, looking like he was about to slaughter the entire bunny population on this goddamned island.

Sighing again, Sanji took the few steps that separated them now. Closing his hand into a fist, he sharply knocked Zoro over the head. “Let’s go, Marimo. Or the ship will leave without us.”

It took Zoro a moment to move, but then he slowly put Enma away, his face twisted in annoyance as he looked back at Sanji. “You’re making this up to me later.”

“For what, the fucking bunnies? Forget it,” Sanji hissed before he turned around to lead the way back.

“For getting me all worked up for nothing, you ass,” Zoro grumbled and Sanji could only roll his eyes. "You're worse than the damn bunnies—" 

“Not my fault you’re such a horny Marimo. Also—where are you going?” 

Zoro froze at his words, slowly turning around, obviously searching for where the hell Sanji was talking from. Only when their eyes met, did he open his mouth to reply. “To the ship.” He sounded so confident when he said it, too.

Sanji wanted to rip his hair out.

“I’m literally leading the way! What are you, a toddler?!”

“What did you just say?!”

—————

It was almost dark already by the time two animal noses twitched on the decks of the allied pirate ships.

“Captain, Black Leg and Roronoa are back!” Bepo called from the Tang.

At the same time, Chopper rushed off from where he was playing with Usopp and Penguin, jumping onto the Sunny’s railing to look out towards the island, waving one of his hoofed hands at the two. “Sanji! Zoro! You’re late!” He sounded entirely too cute considering the scolding tone in his voice.

“Fucking finally,” Law muttered to himself, prompting Straw Hat and Nico Robin—who were the closest to him—to snicker at his suffering. As if it was his fault that he had been forced to sit there doing nothing for hours.

“Chopper, can you throw us the ladder?” Black Leg called toward the little reindeer who immediately tapped his forehead with his hoof and ran off.

“What, not gonna show off with your Sky Walk?” Zoro asked.

As expected, Black Leg immediately snapped back, “Are you asking me to carry you up there, princess Marimo?”

Law couldn’t help but roll his eyes. These two really couldn’t go five minutes without fighting—or flirting?—awkwardly, could they?

Before the exchange could escalate, Chopper interrupted the starting fight. “Sorry, here you go!” he called as he dropped down the ladder. “By the way, are you holding hands so Zoro doesn’t get lost again?”

Immediately, complete and utter silence settled over the two ships. It was almost as if even the ocean froze in its tracks, the crashing of the waves fading away while eyes went wide and mouths fell open. Holding hands? Those two?

The same two idiots who had been dancing around each other for as long as Law had known them, the same two idiots who kept making their fighting look like foreplay, the same two idiots who had been filling the Thousand Sunny with unbearable sexual tension constantly? Without ever doing anything about it?

Were the innocent, uninvolved people like Law, the people who were forced to watch them… finally free?

The rope ladder creaked, and the sound echoed around the deck like thunder. No one moved, just waiting quietly in a trance until finally, Black Leg’s head poked out from behind the railing. First his hair, then his face.

His red, burning face.

He looked like a tomato with blond hair and if he wasn’t so stunned, Law would have laughed in his face at the sight he made. As it was, he could only follow the Straw Hats’ lead and stare blankly as the man reached the deck, his eyes glued to the floor; he still refused to look at anyone when he muttered something about dinner and all but ran to the kitchen.

“Impossible,” Nami whispered and suddenly, the spell broke.

“Oh my, I can barely believe my eyes! Although I don’t have eyes!” Brook said.

“We’re getting drunk tonight, oh my god! The tension will finally be gone!” Usopp shouted, his fists shooting high into the air with a relieved laugh and everyone else cheered in agreement.

Just then, Zoro hauled himself over the railing. “Oh, shut up,” he snapped, a highly annoyed expression on his face as he glowered at his crewmates one after the other.

“Hey, man. It’s your own fault we’re super happy about it!” Franky shot back, pointing an accusing finger at Zoro, then at the kitchen to indicate Sanji. “It was high time you two got together.”

Zoro rolled his eyes, opening his mouth to growl something back, but Chopper interrupted him.

“What happened? Why is everyone acting so weird?” he asked innocently.

A few glances were exchanged before Penguin oh-so-helpfully explained, “Because someone finally kissed and made up.”

“Eh?” Chopper let out, his face scrunching up in an adorable, confused frown. “But Zoro and Sanji have kissed before…?”

And the heavy silence was back as this time, everyone stared at Chopper in shock.

“What? What?!” the poor reindeer cried, completely panicked, looking around as if begging for answers.

“You’re fucking kidding me,” Usopp groaned, burying his face in his hands in despair. “Are you telling me we’ve been dealing with all this sexual tension even while it was being resolved? Is there no hope for us?!”

Nami, on the other hand, strode over to Zoro, poking at his chest angrily. “Why didn’t you tell us? When did this start? Do you know how much money I have riding on you idiots?!”

“It’s not my fault you bet on stupid shit!” Zoro hissed back, slapping Nami’s hand away. “And it’s not like we were hiding it when none of you asked!”

“Are you listening to this asshole?” Penguin said, strangely frustrated for a man from a completely different pirate crew.

Law raised his eyebrow while shooting Penguin a look. “You bet on this, didn’t you?”

Penguin only shrugged, not even having the decency to look ashamed. “What can I say, I can never resist drama that doesn’t involve me in any way.”

Law sighed. He was surrounded by idiots.

At that, Straw Hat started laughing. The sound was loud and carefree, reverberating around the entire ship and through Law’s chest from where Luffy was leaning against him, sounding like a happy chime that slowly made everyone relax.

Nami threw her arms into the air and huffed before leaving Zoro alone. Usopp let go of a deep breath and shot Zoro one last glare. Nico Robin only chuckled at the crew’s reactions, looking so relaxed the entire time that Law wondered whether she had had an inkling about Zoro and Black Leg’s relationship.

Even Law felt a tug on the corners of his mouth, a smile trying to force its way on his lips.

But then, something else dawned on him.

“Oh my god,” he groaned, his head falling forward until his face was buried in the crook of Luffy’s neck. “I’m never setting foot in the crow’s nest ever again.”

“Why?” Luffy asked.

Law marvelled at his innocence. “Why? Because they definitely fucked in there!”

“Torao, don’t be a baby,” Nami said, and Law could basically hear her eyes rolling.

“Well, excuse me for not wanting to touch anything that anyone might have fucked on,” Law snapped back, not even bothering to look up and simply hoping his voice would convey the disgust he felt.

A beat of silence passed.

“Torao…” Franky started slowly. “Luffy’s literally sitting on your lap right now.”

“I don’t see your point,” Law muttered back.

Law felt Luffy nod in agreement. “Yeah, we’re not fucking anywhe—mmmfff!”

“Not one more word in front of Chopper,” Nico Robin said firmly, a clear threat in her voice.

“Nico-ya, he’s a doctor. I’m pretty sure he knows how this—” Suddenly, a bodiless hand slapped over his mouth, probably in the same fashion as it did over Luffy’s.

“I don’t care. Not. One. Word.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake…

When Law finally looked up to give her an unimpressed stare, he startled at the glare she was giving him. Suddenly, he remembered who she was—Nico Robin, the Demon Child; someone who had been on the run from the entire world all alone for twenty years. This was a woman who had definitely killed before… and who certainly didn’t look like she was above murder now.

Law was ashamed to admit he was too scared to protest her demands right then.

Thankfully, before anyone else could notice how he froze in fear, a loud yawn attracted everyone’s attention. “If we’re done here, I’m going to take a nap.” Zoro announced, then took a step forward.

Immediately, Nami, Usopp, and Penguin turned to him, identical sharp, positively greedy looks in their eyes.

“Not before we find out who won that bet, you don’t!”

[delopsia]

darling del 💐 let’s say our trio are all home during the month of october and decide to go to one of those walk-thru haunted house attractions: who suggested it? who’s excited? who’s dreading it? who’s dreading it but pretending to be excited?

👀 A haunted house, you say? 💃🦇 (If you could picture the bat flying around the dancing lady's head, that would be splendid)

I love to believe that Bobby is one of those people who simply don't get scared easily. It's the sort of thing that he's adjusted to over time because one of his sisters went through a huge horror phase, and with only one TV in the house, it was hard to avoid.

But she's rubbed off on him, and though he's desensitized to the genre himself, he loves spooking others. Sneaking up behind Rhett and blowing on the back of his neck to get a rise out of him, jumping out from around the corner and scaring Mickey within an inch of his life.

It happens unintentionally as well because he's a quiet little wallflower who can float in and out of a room without being noticed. He once scared Mav simply by walking into the room and asking him a question. That...nearly got a wrench thrown at his head, but Bob still got a kick out of it.

In the past, Natasha has tied a little bell to him because he kept wandering up behind her without her realizing. Too many times has she turned around and come face to face with a motherfucker who shouldn't have been there. He's spooked his friends so many times that his contact in Jake's phone is Spooky Motherfucker 🦇

So when Bob's on his way home from a deployment, three days earlier than Rhett and Reader are expecting, and sees promotional signs for a haunted house, he gets himself an idea.

Of course, it's only brought up after he deliberately sneaks into the house and jumps on Reader and Rhett while they're cuddling in bed. And in the haze of all the excitement, they all agree to go when it opens next week.

Rhett regrets it immediately.

Because who, in their right mind, goes to a haunted house intentionally? He doesn't get it. Growing up, if you saw something weird on the ranch, you stayed as far away as you could get. You did not actively seek it out. But he's too stubborn to let Bobby and Reader see that he's nervous, so he's pitifully feigning excitement.

He's horrible at it, but he's...he's trying.

Bob, the smug bastard, is the complete opposite. He's stoked. Because in the back of his mind, he knows that the moment the Reader or Rhett gets scared, they're going to cling to him. It's for the same reason he loves turning on a good horror movie. He doesn't even care for the genre these days, but he does care for feeling Rhett scoot a little closer and the Reader hiding their face in his side.

Reader is a mix of emotions, but it's mostly overwritten by curiosity because? Are they finally going to see Bobby get scared? Or is he going to be stone-stiff the whole damn time? Is the house actually scary, or is it meant more for children?

The answer comes when the three clamber out of the car and hear a distant chainsaw.

Rhett very nearly gets back in the car.

Right off the bat, Bob's perfectly fine. Unbothered when someone grabs him in the dark, doesn't jump when a scarecrow pops out from around a corner.

Rhett's sent into a swearing fit when a woman in a bloody wedding dress runs her nails up his arm, and the Reader thinks it's the funniest fucking thing. He winds up having to hold Bob and Reader's hands, not because he's scared, but because he's realized that when someone scares him, his first instinct is to swing... So, to avoid any potential lawsuits, his hands are occupied.

The Reader gives the best reactions out of the three, and Rhett will not let them forget how hard they jumped when a clown jumped out of the bushes. And even though the Reader was just laughing about Rhett swearing like a damn sailor, they're doing it too by the time it's over.

But who would have ever expected for a haunted house to be so damn stuffy? Bob's cheeks are flushed beet red, and all three of them are sweating by the time they stumble down the exit trail.

All of a sudden, someone pops out of the woods while Bob's back is turned and jumps on him.

And he yelps.

He's never hearing the end of it.

But he can't be too upset about it because Rhett and Reader buy him a box of chocolate-covered strawberries, made to look like ghosts, from the gift shop.

And then Rhett finds the caramel apples. The Reader disappears, only to return with a vampire cat plush, and all of a sudden, they've all got a stuffed animal because the cat is going to be lonely otherwise. Rhett has a Frankenstein horse tucked under his arm, and Bob has...somehow found himself with a candy corn plush.

Who would have ever thought that they made those?

Would Bob do it again next year? Absolutely.

Rhett? Absolutely fucking not.

The reader winds up as the tiebreaker.

So will y'all be going again? Or is staying in for a movie night a better option? 🎃

[miracleandplagueau]

What are your thoughts on the season 5 finale?

INHALE (S5 finale spoilers, duh)

Before I start, disclaimer, I didn't watch most of the season 5 episodes in full. I mosty watched the important lore things and completely gave up on filler. That being said I didn't need to apparently, so let's just get on with it.

✦ PART I. What the actual fuck just happened.

The entire episode felt like some kind of fever dream, like it was written by a 10 year old just starting their journey with original characters, power systems and stories on general and had little idea how to tie the plots together in a satisfying way. Unless we count the mass reunion of everyone from the past whereas I hoped that the NYC and Shanghai specials were just ""fun episodes"" in the vaccum.

The whole plot of both episodes is basically Marinette is badass for 1.5 episode, but fails at recognizing that Gabriel (cough cough THE Monarch) is way beyond redemption and fucks up the entire world (not really, will be explained later)

I'll say it right now, I hate how miraculous went from a magic-focused story to ending on so many science involving plotlines. I mean, come on. He suddenly got himself a laser to turn the miraculouses to rings, created brand new jewelry with floating displays. It sucks, I hate it all over.

✦ PART II. Gabriel and his shenanigans

Personally, I hate the one-wish quota. No matter what happens, I've always seen it boil down to two outcomes - either the villain is stopped from making the wish and he has to be dealt with in a regular way or he succeeds in making the wish and faces no consequences in the end because the world has changed so much

It's the latter with Gabriel, but at the same time not exactly. He succeeded in making the wish, bailed on everyone and get this - he not only got what he wanted, he also got away with it scot free. No, I don't care If he was trying to do the "good" thing by bringing back his dead wife because he loved her. He did horrible, horrible things to get to that. I'll tackle the lack of consequences a bit later on.

✦ PART III. After-wish consequences

HA what the fuck am I saying, CONSEQUENCES? IN MIRACULOUS LADYBUG? That's fucking hilarious. Apparently, not only Marinette doesn't have to worry about being called out, because Gabriel put n the earrings and suddenly he's the most lucky bastard in the universe. Spoiler alert: that's not how it works.

During the scenes that showcased how Emily and Nathalie are alive, how his house is no longer grim and is instead filled with life and roses and bushes. It was nice, It really was.... visually. It's one to look at it and think "yeah, that's a nice finale" and other to look at it while knowing the context.

Oh and by the way, Emilie. So happy we got to see her.... for 5 seconds without counting the video. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOTIVATION FOR GABRIEL TO REWRITE REALITY?!? I'll forever be salty about that.

Going back to the wish for a second and the outcome of making the wish,,, are you fucking serious. I thought the world was supposed to be rewritten when the wish is made, not fixed? What kind of wish did the fucker make, because clearly he brought back TWO people and nothing else seems to have changed. And do not get me with the "Oh but he sacrificed his life for the wish!!--" BULLSHIT. HE WAS AN HOUR AWAY FROM TURNING INTO DUST SMARTASS, THAT IS NOT A WORTHY SACRIFICE OF BRINGING SOMEONE FROM THE DEAD AND HEALING SOMEONE.

I'd at least enjoy it a little If he vanished. Like went poof, gone, no more Gabriel, because then the sacrifice would hold some weight. He gave up his existence so that Adrien is happy, but nooo motherfucker got a STATUE IN HIS HONOR.

Nobody took the blame for the Hawk Moth/Monarch situation either. To people of Paris he just appeared, caused chaos and destruction before fading away after GABRIEL AGRESTE SUDDENLY HAD THE POWER TO GIVE CIVILIANS WITH HIS NEW RINGS POWERS OF A HERO. Nobody found it weird? No? Just me? Okay.

✦ PART IV. Marinette more like Marynette Sue

Marinette was especially unbearable this finale. The fact that she was the only one who fought Monarch, that she's the only one that knows his identity, that she just casually got two most powerful miraculouses all for herself. It just. hurt me physically.

She thought she can be steven universe fr

✦ PART V. Can Adrien stop being a plot device FOR TWO EPISODES

I'm sorry, is this too much to ask for? Is it too much to ask for Adrien to have a part in anything here. During my watch, I can confidently say that I forgot that Adrien existed and yes I know that he's closed off in a padded room, because Gabriel wants to "keep him safe", but come ON at least give us a take away back to him seeing Gabriel on the screen, struggling with the nightmare or considering taking the whole Miraculer deal. It shouldn't be like that in the first place where the secondary main character, the second hero is left to rot while the strong female lead do everything seamlessly.

In the end, the only thing he did is kiss Marinette and take Gabriel's rings. He didn't even find out about his father being the literal Monarch, It felt so cheaped out I dunno. It could've worked If he had a bit more part in the actual fight.

✦ PART VI. Oh yeah, and about Lila's cliffhanger (and season 6 and 7)

WHO THOUGHT OF THIS BRIGHT IDEA?! (I know damn well who did)

I hate the fact that Miraculous will actually continue with Lila as the new butterfly holder. I hate the fact that she got what she wanted and that she will continue to BE there. I do not give a single fuck about Lila and I will not be watching beyond season 5 because for me, the show of Miraculous: Adventures of Ladybug and Chat Noir has ended and it has ended horrendously at that.

✦ PART VII. The little positives the finale had

I liked Bug Noir's design. VISUAL DESIGN. and the animation in Agreste's garden.

I also actually really enjoyed Tikki and Plagg's true forms and Gimmi's fun attitude. They really gave them that great look where you go "Oh yeah, these guys aren't JUST bugs and are actually something greater than a human being" and I like that a whole lot..

PART IX. Finally, final thoughts

There are so many things I still have to say about the finale like the Adrienette, other characters like Luka, Nathalie, Kagami's mother also getting away scot free (for now) and blah blah blah but I am TIRED. I'll likely talk about it in the future or just hopefully forget that it exists.

This one is rough as fuck I know but I'm just writing it as I go

In short, man, am I glad this is over. Am I glad this is over.

Thomas, get your fucking shit together, because middle schoolers write better and more consistent stories. Bringing in all your half-assly written characters to just fight a distraction of sort and having your main character face the villain all alone because she's a strong female lead is not good writing thank you for coming to my ted talk

[blubushie]

Well I'm taking you at your word, then! Round 1: How did you come to do what you do? Was it a sudden impulse/ jumping off the deep end, or a slow and steady march into it? Have you always wanted to hunt nuisance animals for money or did you come by it while pursuing something else at first?

In short: How did Blu become bushie? *chin hands*

It was 100% a result of me losing my mind and going off the deep end.

FUN STORY TIME.

I don't like people. In this kinda way.

"EW. PEOPLE."

People are strange and cruel and nasty and sometimes they'll kill lizards in front of you when you're in year 4 because they know you like them. People do mean things to other things just to hurt someone they don't like, so I don't like people. And there's a fucking lot of people everywhere. There's a lot of people in Alice Springs. There's a LOT of people in California.

And I don't like people.

I'll admit that I got into my own head a lot (still do; I zone out often). And I got this idea, right? The Swagmen of Olde. They lived in the bush with a lot less, er, support than what we have now. Modern day swagman. Revive an old Australian tradition. So I was say fifteen and we got out for I think the term 1 holidays, aaand I was officially a missing child for a week because I packed my swag and disappeared into the Outback. I lived off bottled water, native wells, and my scroggin ran out on day 2 so after that I survived off quandong and witchetty grubs (note to readers, don't go into the Outback without a machete because trying to dig out witchetty grubs with a knife will blister your palms). Basically stayed alive by making my own shelter from shit my dad taught me, or things I read about in books.

Anyway the NTPF eventually put out a chopper for me and dragged me kicking and screaming to civilisation (I was so feral they put me in the fucking divvy van) and it sucked (also I made the newspaper, not the point). But in the 5 days I was gone I just... found some inner peace, I suppose? I was talk of the town and over the next year there were three or four additional attempts to return to the Outback until Mum (and the NTPF) got tired of me trying to dehydrate myself to death and brought us both back to California.

And my California town is bigger than Alice Springs. The town has a population of ~80,000 and there's people fucking everywhere and I hate it.

So I did the same thing I did in Australia and routinely went walkabout to the point our local sheriff knew me by name. It got to the point the LOCALS knew me by name. Half would call in and report me when I was out walking on behalf of my father, the other were of the wildchild mentality and had an unspoken agreement of "Do not send Blu back to that house." (My parents aren't abusive or anything, the locals were just of the idea that at 16 I was finding my own way in the world like kids did back in the 50s, which... Yeah, I was.)

I was given an ankle monitor because I was a flight risk, and I stopped leaving.

Anyway I left high school, got a job working part-time graveyard at Dad's insistence on doing something with my life, and on the side I started talking to the neighbours who know I'm one hell of a shot (courtesy of me recently winning a county sharpshooting competition). And they get this bright idea, right, they've got a lot of coyotes on their property trying to lift their sheep. So I start killing coyotes. They're proud of my work, they tell their neighbours, I start getting paid $25 per pig I kill on their property so long as they keep the bacon. Fine deal for everyone involved.

Between pest control and graveyard and some other odd jobs I made ~$15k over 6 months and I still had this niggling idea in my head of going bush permanently. At 18 I bought my FIRST ute and went east. And that ute was fucking old. Not a '99 Ford, an '87 Ford F-150 with over 300,000mi on it. I figured I'd get to somewhere around New Mexico before it'd cark it because that poor bastard didn't sound right from the get-go.

And cark it it did! But I also learned a few things from my dad, and so I jerry rigged that cunt (which consisted of removing the faulty ignition and replacing it with a fucking screwdriver). I got it started and working again. Got it to Texas, got the ignition fixed, and took jobs in the southwest for 6 months.

And then I got sick of the southwest. I saw the towns I frequented become gentrified. They lost their personality. The mum and pop stores shut down and were replaced with Targets and Walmarts and the land started seeing construction and in six months I'd lost all hope for it.

So I said "fuck this shit" and decided, for the fifth time in my life, that I was going to the Outback. I went back to California, got my passport and all my necessary identification, had a MASSIVE argument with my parents because they didn't want me to leave, but I left anyway and sold the ute and I took a bus to San Francisco, got lost, ended up sleeping in an alleyway at some point which isn't important except to remember that I fucking hate cities, but eventually got my way to the airport with about $10k in cash and debit and I got the first flight to Sydney.

All without a fucking mobile phone.

And I spent every dollar I had save for $2000 on a '99 F-150. And my first night I bought a bottle of plonk (strange buying booze at 19 years old). I smashed it in the bush over my ute's roo bar and I christened her Matilda, my steadfast companion who will come waltzing with me. And I drove her up to Brisbane, and then to Cairns, and while in Cairns I was stopped and detained because of my rifle, and then that was confiscated for a month until I got my firearms licence, and then I had to go BACK to Brisbane to pick it up again but before I did that I met a bloke and spent my last $2k on a camper for Matilda.

So now I'm stuck in Australia with not a dollar to my name, no means of getting money on account of not having a rifle, and a new-christened ute with a camper but no way to pay for petrol.

So I drive up the track, end up heading west until Matilda ran out of petrol, then walked 2km or so to the nearest station who happened to have cattle. Aussies take care of our own. Told the bloke there the story over tea and supper, he says I can help muster if I know how to ride a horse.

Boy, do I.

So I do that for a few months, say hooroo to him after he helps me siphon petrol into my tank, and I return to Brisbane and get my rifle back. I make my way back through QLD, stop for a week in Longreach, then get another job as a stockman. For maybe a year I was a full-fledged stockman and met my heart horse and I met the first girl I ever loved, but then I stopped being a stockman, worked at sea on a fishing vessel for a few months, come back, and ended up getting a job working some pastoral land near there dealing with a small pack of wild dogs who'd been lifting the bloke's sheep, and I start making a name for myself again as one hell of a sharpshooter. And then I got my commercial shooter's licence.

Rest is history!

[lightvsdark18]

Twst 7.6

Translation from Gasumasuku Gamer.

"Just don't think about it, keep your eyes forward."

"Wait yeah, you make a good point. If all of the dreams are suppose to be happy, why is everything here so depressing?"

Don't be stubborn.

{scenes were skipped D:}

"! Oh, okay." Silver takes the egg and hands him to her. Damn, he's heavy.

Finds a pouch and loops it around her belt to carry the first-aid kit.

"What? No, we're-" dodges flying rocks. "You really should get home before you get hurt. It's really dangerous around here."

"Do you really think I'm going to drop Malleus?" (Precious bean)

Alice is now not going to trust the fae. Protectively holds the egg while glaring at the Silver Owls.

"Are we allowed to drink the water?"

"I'll keep an eye on Lilia and the egg in case they spot them behind the bushes."

Grim pokes the egg with a toe bean. "... I think I felt movement." "As a lizard."

"Be one with the dust, Grim." Alice isn't complaining because she's freezing.

Grim jumps and clings onto her arm to pull her down to dodge the arrow. "Who targeted my human?!" -Grim

During the fights, Alice is ducking and weaving while trying to protect the egg by not falling forward or smacking into trees. All she can do is kick the enemy.

"Are you sure? I'm pretty useless beside carrying the egg."

"Heh. You survived this far, I wouldn't say you're useless." -Lilia

Flexes her fingers after handing the egg over. Then a minute later, he's back in her arms and hides in the bushes with Grim.

"Got smacked by rocks, but the prince is okay." Gives Lilia the child and starts walking away from Sebek. Does compliment the crocodile by saying he looks nice.

"It's so cold..." Her hands are covered in cuts and scratches from the sharp rocks. Lost the blanket while climbing and thanks Lilia for the gesture.

Takes the cloak without question, thanking them, and shoves the medicine in her pocket before putting on the warm fabric.

During their walk to the castle, Alice is frequently touching her neck and breathing heavily.

This is Briar Valley. (The castle doesn't seem very secure on that thin rock. The city built on the side of the mountain is cool.)

(You can choose a path of peace, just don't listen to that bastard king! You can freaking leave the battlefield, you don't have to stay and kill her!) (I'm sorry, he said the last line weirdly)

Never I thought I could be so unsettled by a morning sky. I knew she doesn't make it, but damn does this hurt.

What the fuck?

Wait, what?

He was protecting the egg. I think that's more important than anything. Alice is clearly angry while listening to this.

What? Why am they so cruel to Lilia after he fought to protect Malleus?

"Lilia!"

Alice laughs at Silver dragging Sebek while covering his mouth.

[How Long Were You Suffering?]

[the-heaminator]

Spy au chapter 6!!!!

In which Feliciano absolutely guilt trips the fuck out of Arthur, but for his own good, and Ivan realises just how deaf he is. 4.8k.

Yao had summoned them, not unexpectedly to be that they were likely to be given their final instructions before they were sent off to do whatever they were meant to do.

"Come in, come in."

Arthur and Ivan came in, he gestured at the chairs, and they took a seat, Ivan never put his full weight on chairs, especially ones that looked this...flimsy, there were four, which was odd, and there were only two of them, so what was this about, it was not good for his knees, but it saved him a whole lot of embarrassment if he did cause the chair to give out under him, They both beseechingly looked at Yao, who now that they had both their attentions, started to speak.

"As you will be well aware, the news of your relegation has spread like wildfire through the agency, gossip gets half its way across town before the truth even woke up, though in your case gossip and truth seem to not be all that different, and considering that you two have been our most valued operatives for decades, longer than a lot of people have been here, you are seen to be almost like part of the furniture, ie you have always been here, it is odd to not have you two present."

"Yao, where are you going with this," Arthur asked a little warily, Yao had a bit of a habit of beating about the bush on occasion, what was he trying to say?

"What I am trying to say is that I will introduce you to your replacements."

"Replacements."

"Yes, replacements. Don't worry, you know them well, you two hold the most senior fieldwork positions, as you are well aware, and we need somebody to fill in those ranks, so."

He beckoned two people from outside, Abel and Adelheid, Heidi for short, they would make good replacements for them, but they couldn't help but feel old, Yao included, when they realised that this was the very same Abel and Adelhied, both of whom they had taught all they knew, they were successful, they knew what they were doing, both were very high ranking as well, they seemed like obvious replacements, but christ alive.

Abel was always a bit of a power-hungry bastard, in a good way, he never wanted to challenge Arthur or Ivan's throne so to speak, content with 

being the second in command, but the title was now just being given to him, but even then, he had heard all the rumours, and now he was being put here to replace Ivan, he still couldn't entirely believe this was happening, they had been older than most operatives when Abel came through here to start, they seemed untouchable almost.

The higher one flies the harder one falls, he supposed. But still. This felt incorrect.

Heidi was a little unable to imagine the place without those two, she would have to take up their mantel, one that she bet they didn't want to leave at all by the looks of them, but they were getting old, it was not healthy to work in such a high-stress job, especially such a physically demanding one, at that point in life, hell she was almost a good 20 years younger than them and even then she could feel her back starting to complain if she slept oddly, this was good for them, whether they liked it or not.

They did also make for a cute couple, honestly, it wasn't hard to see why Yao chose them to be married of all things, they knew each other better than she bet they honestly knew themselves, and she also did not trust them to be normal without each other, it made sense in an odd way to do that. 

Arthur and Ivan stood up to greet them, Arthur was considerably shorter than all others present, save for Yao, but he was not standing, he gave a curt nod and a stiff handshake to Adelheid, Ivan and Abel were both massive, Ivan was taller still though, there was considerably more tension there than with Arthur and Heidi, they were fond of each other, as fond as people such as them could be of course, Ivan and Abel were fond of each other in a more competitive fashion.

Ivan was still strong, he crushed Abel's hand in his, Abel squeezed back, and the other 3 watched in mild amusement, but even this died down, they settled in their seats.

"As I was saying, Arthur, Ivan, these will be your replacements, I trust that you believe they will do a good job of it."

Arthur and Ivan were both good liars, and in all honesty, they did not have to lie, they would do a wonderful job, what they had to hide was the sheer emptiness of it all, they could believe this was not as serious as it was, and now they were being replaced.

Well, at least they would do well.

Yao talked a lot about a lot, official business, titles being handed over, roles, the lot, Arthur and Ivan did as they were told almost mechanically, they were a good bit detached, and for good reason, wouldn't you be? At least they did not cause any trouble, that would be considerably harder to deal with, Ivan could easily physically fold Heidi and Yao, Abel would be harder to deal with but he was unaccustomed to the type of hand-to-hand physical that Arthur went for, feral, street fighting almost, it was difficult to predict what he would do next, and Abel got where he was because he had an uncanny ability to predict what others would do next.

But they did not, the handover was as smooth as could honestly be possibly imagined, they left, Arthur, Ivan, and Yao were left, "Right, with that out of the way, we come to your....health concerns, or at least the easily fixable ones, such as your vision and hearing." Yao got up and led them through a back passage, empty save for someone trying to fix the lights, it led them to the medical room, Feliciano was the chief practitioner here, he was a bit of a coward when it came to fighting but held a slightly frightening ability to stay calm when seeing mangled limbs.

It was good to have someone like that on hand in such an agency, and he was a little scared of Arthur and Ivan, more of Arthur than Ivan. Arthur constantly looked like he would break his knees, and he knew for sure that he knew to do that.

He liked Ivan well enough, he had an almost demonic pain tolerance, so he once came in with his shoulder so badly dislocated it was near his back, he was leaning heavily on Arthur, who was about to get squashed, but he seemed fine, woozy as fuck due to being drunk off his ass, he did not even want to question the amount of alcohol that that took, he was a big dude, it was a rudimentary anaesthetic, but it did its job when needed, Arthur seemed stressed then, he yelled at him and gave him the worst verbal hiding since his nonno, which was saying something.

At that time he thought not too much of it, concerned for a fellow operative, but it happened over and over, one or the other being injured, or both, one just slightly less than the other, worried about the other in a way that even someone as absent-minded as him could pick up on.

Lovino had told him the oddest thing on break, they were married now apparently, he seemed scared, despite being older, Lovino had only been here for 2 to 3 years, Feliciano had been here for around 13.

He was going on his thirteenth at least, it made sense to Feliciano, they were finally being relegated, they had been spending more time around here than they used to, it made sense, both of them were nearly 50 now no? He had noticed a curve with them, with most operatives actually, well not really a curve but you get the idea.

They got injured often at the beginning of their careers, it made sense, they were learning the ropes, they got better around the middle, and nearing the end of their careers they were in here more.

He hadn't seen the beginning of Arthur or Ivan's career, that was simply just a while ago, but he had seen them turn up here more and more, and for now less serious things like broken bones, they still did, but less often, they got caught slacking enough for that.

Instead, the most recent instance was Arthur being rushed in by Ivan, this was in no way possible to be of his own accord, they were both stubborn as mules but when one can carry the other like a small child, concessions had to be made.

Due to tachycardia of all things, he constantly was getting dizzy, and things like that, turns out he was severely anaemic, like, severely, a TIBC value above 450 mcg/dL was bad, for his age it was meant to be about 427.33, he was on 553.47, which was, not fucking good, and his vitamin D concentration wasn't too much better, 11 ng/mL, the recommended was around 20 to 50 nanograms, it was understandable to why everything hurt so bad.

Ivan got pissed, smacked Arthur upside the head and asked him what the last thing he ate was, cause those were not favourable concentrations at all, especially for such an active job.

It was a little funny, but mostly concerning, to watch someone whom Feliciano always knew as sharp as a whip get interrogated like a small child about his eating habit, and more concerning to hear the last thing he ate was a tin of beans, and that to be the day before, and absurd amounts of coffee that Feli could smell on his breath strong enough to make him almost keel over.

No.

NO.

You don't just do that. Honestly. Just, no.

In hindsight, he should have seen their relegation coming, but he didn't, they had just always been there and were still performing operations almost flawlessly, sure they were in here a lot more often, but they were getting old, it made sense.

Now here they were, both looking a bit like petulant children at the prospect of having their shitty eyesight and hearing fixed, Yao had informed him beforehand what was happening. He knew Arthur had bad eyesight, nobody squinted at labels, and the clock, unless they needed varifocals, and Ivan's shitty hearing was a running joke, unless you spoke a good couple of decibels louder than normal, and you were a few meters away, he would not hear you, a joke formed that he was too tall, the distance to close was too long.

Then it started to get concerning when some of the more soft-spoken operatives could not be heard clearly if they spoke directly to him. Time to see how bad his hearing really was.

Ivan was cooperative, and easily led into the testing room, if quite annoyed, his hearing could not be that bad.

It fucking was, his ears were not good, 57 decibels on his left, and on his right the best he could hear was 49, no wonder he had trouble hearing people, and it being as unbalanced as it probably did not help, it wasn't too severe, both at the lower to mid-end of moderate, still not very good.

"Ivan? How long has your hearing been bad?"

"Hm? Oh, uh.....the gulf war?"

Feli did the maths "Ivan, I trust you were seventeen then."

Ivan himself seemed surprised by that, "Yes, yes I was. Why?"

"Ivan it is over 30 years since your hearing started to go bad, your hearing loss is bad enough to the point that in your left ear, the best you can hear is 57 decibels."

"That....does not sound very good."

"It is not, I don't think the pun was intentional, but when was the last time you heard birdsong?"

".......Birds sing?"

"Ivan!"

"What! I haven't heard them, I've heard crows and seagulls and magpies, but that sounded closer to screaming than singing."

"That is not all, wait, so that is in terms of amplitude, how loud a sound is, you also have high-frequency hearing loss, as in high pitches like birdsong or the voices of children and certain sounds like sh and th are harder to hear. This is not that uncommon in this profession, You do hear a lot of guns and explosives, but yours is quite bad, moderate and moderate-severe, you cannot hear above around 3000 hertz at 50 decibels." Feliciano showed him the audiogram, and well, it was not very good. 

No wonder he had trouble hearing people, no wonder he couldn't remember what most birds sounded like, no wonder he had almost no trouble when shooting round with only rather flimsy earplugs after round while Arthur had proper construction earplugs, and still felt a little off after too much noise. He was half deaf, that's fucking why.

Ivan sat there for a second, Yao and Arthur did not know what was going on in the room, they couldn't hear very much, so they just waited for him.

"So...hearing aids?"

"Hearing aids, yes."

Feliciano could see the puzzle pieces clicking together in his mind, "How long would those take to make then?"

"About a week and a half to 2 weeks, these will be good strong ones, Christ knows we've had to make plenty, yours are just going to be a little stronger than the standard needed."

"That is a little harsh no Feliciano? I am not that deaf am I?"

"You are very much quite deep into hearing loss, if you keep this up, in the next decade and a half maybe, you'll be severely deaf, but you will not be, because you are being relegated, is that correct? Lovino told me."

Ivan nodded "Yes, yes, we will be being relegated, to informants no less, a little demeaning."

"No, no, it is not demeaning, because clearly you are valuable enough to keep around for this long, even as informants, considering that most field operatives retire by 30, maybe 35, and informants are very rarely retired in less than 5 years."

Arthur had zoned out a little, this was dull, how much longer would Ivan be? He knew Ivan had been going deaf for quite a while, frankly almost since he knew him he was always a little hard of hearing, but at least he would get whatever this was correctly diagnosed, and maybe fixed, and if it was as bad as Yao said his vision was, then well, he would have hearing aids, Ivan had been blessed with a very thick head of hair, it was just so soft honestly, it would hide the hearing aids if he grew it out a bit, if he wanted to.

Feliciano's assistant, Lucille, medic in training, was looking at them with interest, they were infamous, both of them, yet here they were about to get relegated, interesting, She wondered who would fill their ranks, they were the foremost field operatives, she had done her research, so she wondered who would it be, there would likely be a ceremony for it later.

Ivan came out of the room, holding an envelope, looking a tad dazed, Feliciano led Arthur into a different room, Ivan plopped down next to Yao heavily, the bed they were using creaked a little, but held up, "So Ivan, what did he say?"

"You said I was half deaf, well, I am close to that, yes. Apparently, I cannot hear anything quieter than 57 decibels in my left ear. Which is more decibels than I thought, and with frequency it is also quite bad."

"I did tell you that you were going deaf, you should have gotten it checked beforehand."

But I did not. Now I face the consequences, do not try to take this any further."

The atmosphere in the room took a hard left, it felt very cold all of a sudden, Yao never had any idea about how he could do that, the assistant turned around and exited the area as fast as possible, it felt violent, Yao sat still, and waited for the tension to climb down, it usually did, Arthur usually calmed him down, but Arthur was currently occupied, and it didn't, and Yao was feeling threatened.

They sat there quietly while Arthur had his eye test done, clearly both near and far-sighted he was, but how bad was the question, well, the farsightedness was quickly established to be +3.85, and the nearsightedness took a while, a lot of fiddling with lenses, but established to be -2.75, something that honestly Feliciano was surprised was so low, he did also have astigmatism, which probably explained another reason why his vision seemed worse than it was.

"If it is any consolation, your vision is considerably better than Ivan's hearing is, you still should not be driving without glasses through, you got your license revoked recently didn't you?"

This he had also heard on the grapevine, gossip spread fast honestly, "Yes. Why?"

"With glasses, you need varifocals, or 2 pairs of glasses, one for near and one for far, you can retake the test and should have no problem with it, they should be ready in about 4 days, we don't have too many frame options, choose one or two."

"Two separate glasses seems like a better idea."

"Yes, it does, choose two then."

Arthur did just that, both were practical, frankly very boring black frames, one was slightly thicker than the other, that was it, he gave an odd little smile, and asked a question "Ah, Feliciano, is it normal to start seeing everything a little redder when you have drank coffee, and seeing little flashes of light? They are quite annoying honestly."

He had heard this come from a couple of different people, usually working in admin before, those were the signs of too much coffee, bordering on an unhealthy amount, didn't he already have fucking tachycardia, he warned him to stop drinking too much coffee, and here he was, asking about caffeine overdoses.

"Arthur, did I not warn you against drinking too much coffee?"

"I mean, how bad could it be, and besides, I've been taking my supplements, it's nothing."

"Arthur, on average, how many cups of coffee do you drink?"

"...........6 to 8."

"ARTHUR!"

"What? It's just coffee."

"But 6 to 8 cups is a bit much, do you not think?

"Not really, you told me to cut down, so I did."

There were very few times that Feliciano wanted to hit a field operative as much as he did right now, let alone Arthur of all people, 6 to 8 was the low end???? What was he doing even, Why would you do that?

His voice took a hard edge, not one that Arthur was used to hearing, especially not from Feliciano, who, all things considered, was quite timid “Arthur, you are 47 now, I believe, you cannot keep doing this, your heart will give out on one of these days, and you would not want to do that to Ivan would you? 

You clearly could not give half a shit about your own health for some reason I do not understand, but don’t do this to Ivan, he is already incredibly concerned for your health, don’t make him have more reason to be, you need to be weaned off so much coffee, how much sleep do you get a night eh?”

He waited for an answer so that was not a rhetorical question then, that was not good, he wanted an actual answer, and the usual glower did not seem to have its intended effect, Feliciano’s pure medical concern overrode any fear he had.

Arthur made a sound, kind of like clucking. “On average, discounting the past couple days, which have been…odd, I’d say about 4-6 hours, maybe 3-5 if I was busy, but you don’t need to worry yourself, I can handle it.”

Yao, Lucille and Ivan heard a shout of frustration from the room, and oddly enough it wasn’t Arthur’s, but Feliciano’s.

“Arthur, what are you trying to do here? You can barely look after yourself, how do you think you can look after 4 fucking children! They’re going to be depending on you and Ivan, but from what I’ve got, is that you don’t remember to eat, you don’t sleep, live off coffee and crackers and seems to have nothing against it. How are you going to remember to feed the kids eh?”

Feliciano was asking a lot of actual questions that Arthur really wished were rhetorical, how would he remember to feed the children?

“Through a chart probably?”

“Good. And when you feed the children, feed yourself, this is a medical order, you have no choice in this, and honestly knowing Ivan, he probably’d force-feed you if you put up too much resistance.

You are in good hands Arthur, but let us all hope that the children are in good hands too, I like them, I won’t let you live if you mess them up too much, and I will follow through on that threat.”

Feliciano had raised his voice, enough for Lucille to hear it, Ivan could not, and so he watched her face to gauge her reactions, Yao could hear snippets, he was also quite old to be fair, so it did make sense.

Lucille repeated what he heard slightly louder, she had never heard Feliciano threaten somebody before, and for once he did sound like he would go through with it, Ivan had an odd little smile on his face “Ah so Arthur is getting an earful from somebody other than me, good, maybe it will hammer the fact that he needs to eat into him better than I can.

He does listen to me when it comes to food, I do not know why, but he does not listen to anyone else when it comes to these things, but Feliciano does not normally shout, so I think he may.”

Feliciano went on “If you do not look after yourself you will end up in a grave by 55, probably by means of a stroke, or heart failure, or an embolism, you wouldn’t want that, and by then you would have known the children well enough to break their hearts with your very much premature and very much fucking preventable death, and I’m not going to even get into what Ivan would be like after that, you two rely on each other a lot, and for good reason, do not give him a reason to grieve.”

Too much had happened today, he learnt that he was indeed expendable, and now Feliciano was forcing him to come to terms with his own mortality, what was this, he did not need this today? Absolute cunt of a man, usually he would say something, he scared easy, but for some reason he didn’t.

He felt a little sick inside, this was guilt, no way in fuck would he get guilty now, no, no fucking, no . Guilt was not something he did, not in any way shape or form, you do not get this far in such a profession with guilt weighing on your bloody conscience, fine, he would at least look after the kids, looking after himself would come at a later point, just enough to keep Ivan, and by extension Feliciano, contented. 

And he did indeed eat a good bit in the past couple of days, Ivan fed him first that odd, very warm little night, then the fast food earlier today, he was actually full for once, that was new.

“Fine, I will. Calm the hell down now, I will, I will.”

Feliciano seemed satiated for the current moment, handed Arthur his eye examination results, still warm out of the printer, and sent Arthur on his way, grumbling something about annoyingly obstinate bastards.

Arthur came out looking a fair bit disgruntled, he did not take well to being told off, he was not a child, though honestly with his face he looked a bit like a petulant child right about now.

Yao raised his eyebrows at him "Feliciano chewed you out didn't he?"

"He did, what is it to you?"

"No need to get touchy, but I assumed he tried to hammer some sense into that thick skull of yours?"

"Again, that he did. But I ate today, Ivan made sure of that. And the day before in matter of fact"

Yao's eyebrows raised even higher, he knew this was likely to happen at some point but it had already happened, damn, they really were fast at picking up their roles eh?

Arthur made an odd little hand movement that made him look like he was swatting a fly, "Anyways, moving on."

Yao remembered something "Ah yes, moving on indeed, speaking of it actually  because you will be moving in this very week, I suggest you pack anything you want to, clothes and the like, your furniture is being provided as we speak, but anything else you want to take with you you are free to do so, clothing and the like, you also do have to help the children pack.

As for your jobs, remember those, Ivan you were to be in IT and you were an editor I think Arthur."

Arthur made a face, not a very approving one that was for sure, a desk job did not suit him in the slightest, there was a reason he had refused getting out into admin every time they had tried doing so in the past decade and a half, but as of now he did not have a choice, so he would have to deal with it. He was good at adapting. "Yes, I remember those, why?"

Ivan was decent with computers, actually quite good, better than a lot would expect of him, and Arthur was a skilled writer, Yao had figured that out quite a long time ago, and the man could lie through his teeth better than practically anyone,  he would make a good editor, and it helped that the newspaper company was partially controlled by the agency, all in good business, they couldn't publish anything that the agency told them not to  told them to or their finding would he cut faster than it takes to tear someone's throat out.

"Cause you are going to join in a month, and you need to get the children's admissions sorted, I'll leave that to you, you are more than capable."

Arthur sighed, Ivan made a faint growling sound at the back of his throat, the tension however, did not climb, and oddly enough, dissipated, it was a strange thing, if they were alone the room would feel like a crypt with Ivan and a furnace with Arthur, they neutralized each other better than Yao ever thought they did, and he was thankful for that.

So it was safe to say that Arthur would do well there, and the company Ivan was working at also had connections to the agency, so they could not deny them if they wished to, which they likely would not, they were always happy to receive new employees from here, well, it's not like they could complain either, the joys of privatisation.

Anyhow.

Ivan picked himself up, he was a little stiff, this took longer than he thought it would, but at least the majority of it was finished, and he still couldn't help the mild amusement that came with the whole thing, despite this very much not being a place you should be particularly amused at, yet he was, amused at hearing loss, his own no less, his humour was strange, but this took the cake.

Yao bid them farewell, Arthur had a bunch of mugs to transport for the umpteenth time and Ivan had a couple blankets to the do the same for, they knew how to move, but they knew it would be temporary, this felt considerably less temporary, it would be temporary still, probably, but with a larger time scale than a couple months, a couple years actually, until they were deemed useless enough to be properly retired, they hoped that wouldn't happen to soon, maybe until the children were old enough to join the agency, they already knew too much, they really did not have too much of a choice.

Who knows, certainly not them, and not Yao either, they had not planned this far ahead, but something would come out of all of this, he was certain, and maybe one of those things would be an Ivan that didn't scare the shit out of everyone and an Arthur that looked after himself.

[melishade]

Number 16 for Fear, please?

Dialogue Prompt (Which you are more than welcome to ask from)

Hm...this is going to be a tough one, but I'll try.

TW vomit. TW death.

Eren could tell that his body wouldn't move. Was he dreaming? Was this a nightmare? He couldn't tell. He just knew that something was wrong. He wasn't safe.

Eren gasped when he saw Armin and Mikasa being dragged back someone. He couldn't see the faces of their captors, but he grew terrified. Mikasa was weak, and struggling to break free, while Armin was just unconscious.

"What are you doing?" Eren asked fearfully. Their captors didn't listen, dropping Armin to the ground while Mikasa was still in their hold. Eren watched with dread as one of them pulled out a gun, clear as day.

"Stop! Don't! Bastard! Fuck!" Eren twisted and turned his body, but he still couldn't move. The captor turned their weapon on Armin, and without warning, shot Armin in the back a few times. Eren screamed out in horror while Mikasa tried fruitlessly to break out of her restraints and reach her now dead friend. One of the captors smacked Mikasa in the face, hard, knocking her to the floor.

"No! NO! NO!" Eren screamed, "Take me instead! I already have the power you want! Just take me! Don't hurt her! Please!"

The captor aimed the gun at Mikasa, and Mikasa took one long look at Mikasa before smiling bitterly at him.

"See you later, Eren," Mikasa said.

Eren shot up wide awake, screaming as the gun shot went off. He felt his stomach churn painfully and he covered his mouth to stop the bile from coming out. He quickly ran out his room as far as he could. He managed to end up outside before emptying his stomach in a bush nearby. He heaved and choked on his spit, thinking back to his dream. They weren't even titans. They had to be people. There was no other way. And it...it...

Eren wiped his mouth, but the tears wouldn't stop. He continued to cry, unaware of footsteps coming his way until someone placed a hand on his shoulder. Eren quickly swatted it away and crawled back in fear, but stopped when he recognized the familiar glow of those blue eyes.

"Optimus," Eren spoke to the holoform.

"Are you alright?" Optimus asked as he kneeled down, "I heard you and was not sure what happened."

"I..." Eren wanted to lie. He wanted to lie and say he was fine but...he wasn't, "No...I'm not fine. I had a shit dream."

"Do you wish for me to get anything for you?" Optimus asked him.

"...no," Eren answered, "I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping for a bit either. I just...need a second to...stay here."

Eren expected Optimus to leave him, but Optimus made no indication to move. The Prime merely adjusted his seating position and waited. Waited until Eren had the energy to move or discuss what happened. Eren merely leaned against the Prime in response in order to collect himself.

[hauntedmoonstone]

To Mikaela: *You find an MP3 player with a pair of earphones playing "Little Stranger" by Dawid Podsiadlo and a note saying "play and listen"*

Mikaela looked down at the log surprised to see a note and a small electronic device. She was slightly confused for a moment but when she noticed the headphones her eyes lit up and she smiled grabbing it off the log. She hasn't seen one of these in forever! It was an iPod mini first generation. Its color was bright pink just like the one she had back in the day! She turned the note over in her hands trying to see if there where more to it than just the simple request to listen to whatever was in it. Seeing nothing she shrugged putting the headphones into her ears and opened the menu to check out the songs. There was only one it seemed "Little Stranger" by someone named Dawid Podsiadlo. Honestly? The song didn't ring a bell at all knowing the fog and the strange people inside it, the song was probably from the "future" long after the iPod mini was released. She listened to the song intently trying to decipher any meaning from it. Why did this stranger want her to listen to this song? Honestly, after listening to it twice she couldn't think of anyone to who it applied to. Her mind couldn't come up with someone who had betrayed her or the group of survivors in some way that matched the vibes of the song. Hearing a rustling of noises in the bushes she put the iPod mini in her pocket with the headphones. She'll have to ask around if anyone else has gotten these strange music messages as well. Haddie comes out of the bushes panting as if she ran a mile. She holds up a shiny iridescent blade in her hand. One of Tricksters and judging from the shape and color it was from his favorite set of throwing knives. "Fucking got it! The bastard put up a fight but I still fucking got it. He ain't so tough without his fucking bladed bat. Anyway, how's it going at the fire?" Mikaela giggled a little at the winded Haddie. She has gotten rather bold lately even bothering the killers outside of trials? Haddie did have to find something to get the adrenaline pumping as she can't really defeat monsters all too often like she did before the fog. "Well actually.... I got a strange message of sorts? Here listen to this." She pulled the iPod mini back out and handed it to Haddie who raised her eyebrow turning over the "ancient" device in her hands before listening to the song. Haddie shrugged after listening to the song and handed it back to Mikaela. "No clue sunbeam, though I did hear of others getting MP3 lately as well. Maybe it doesn't even mean anything? I'll ask around if I run into any of those people." Mikaela simply nodded and sat back down next to Haddie maybe she was right, that the song didn't mean anything and was just a song that the stranger wanted to show her.

[aporatael]

“Fuck,” I say. “You bastard.”

——————————————–

I accept the job and promise to have it done in 48 hours. Leader tells me he knew I’d take it.

“It’s right up your alley,” Leader says. “Dramatic and shit.”

“Oh yeah,” I say, phone pressed too tightly to my cheek. “This script? Genius.” The paper crinkles in my hand, the words “dead weight” warping.

“Thought you’d like it,” Leader says. “The spouses are always the best writers. Send me details when it’s done.”

“Will do,” I say and hang up. I toss the burner phone, like usual, and head back home. I need to nurse my wounds before I do anything else.

—————————————–

I mope for twenty-four hours. During a normal job, I’d be using this time to scout the location and to get a feel for the target beyond what the client includes in the file. Obviously that’s not necessary in this case.

At the 24 hour mark, I get to work.

Contrary to popular belief, faking your death is extraordinarily easy. I’ve done it before, more than once, and all it takes is some signs of struggle, a little blood, and a time when having no witnesses doesn’t raise any flags. Since this is going to look like a professional hit, it’s even easier, especially considering that all this client wants is a photo. Maybe some video if I’m feeling generous, but no body.

The client is very sure that they don’t want a body in their house when they return.

Vi has always been a little squeamish. Nearly sprints out of the room any time a gory commercial comes on and can’t stand the sight of blood. I used to think it was cute, used to appreciate that he was so different from this part of my life.

Now his delicate stomach just annoys me. Hire a professional? To kill me?

I don’t think so.

I’ll admit that I get a little…artistic with the photos because of it.  I’ve seen enough pained/terrified expressions that they’re easy to mimic, mouth drawn wide, tears in the eyes, a little bit of blood on the face. The blood’s fresh, forensics being able to tell when it’s frozen, and I have to use a pack or two from my secret store to compensate. It makes me sick, but it’s worth it. No one will doubt I died here.

(And if I splatter the walls with arcs meant to look like arterial spray, it’s for the realism. Not to freak him out more. Obviously.)

I scatter a dozen photographs on our marriage bed, lead them into the bathroom to the tub. There I wash the blood off, taking my time, and drain the tub without washing it down. It leaves nice streaks of red and brown on the sides like I was dismembered in here.

I want Vi to really enjoy my death. At least while it lasts.

For my finishing touch, I record my “death.” Scream and beg for my husband, for this to stop, for someone just to make it stop. Not loud enough for the neighbors to hear, of course. Just loud enough that he’ll be able to hear my voice as soon as he steps into the house. I leave the tape recorder on the bed, playing on repeat, and make one last sweep of the house.

At the 47 hour mark, I kick the front door in and then close it so the neighbors won’t call the police. I tip over some of our furniture on the way upstairs, wrinkles the carpet on the landing, and saunter leisurely into the bedroom.

There’s a secret panel behind the bookcase, of course, that leads to my arms collection. I sit in the middle of the room, surrounded by my guns, and wait for my husband to arrive.

—————————————————-

It takes ten hours, but finally there’s the sound of a car pulling into our driveway, something bigger than the little coup that Vi drives. With a frown, I flip on my surveillance system. Six screens on the back wall of my little armory turn on. One camera shows our backyard, empty. Others shows the kitchen, the living room, the stairs, and the bedroom. The one at the front of the house catches my eye.

There’s an SUV parked in our driveway, black, plates obscured by the flowering bush the homeowners association insists we attend. As I watch, the driver’s side opens and a bald man steps out, dressed in a battered leather jacket and jeans. He’s armed, two guns that I can make out on the grainy footage and, possibly, a knife.

Bald guy comes around the SUV and opens the backseat door. Another man, similarly attired with dark hair, slides out. This one is also armed, but his gun is out and pointed back into the car. He growls something I can faintly hear outside, but can’t make out, and reaches into the car.

He yanks out Vi whose hands are zip-tied in front of him. He’s got a dark bruise on his cheek, impressive considering his russet skin usually doesn’t show bruises, and he’s wearing the clothes I saw him leave in three days ago.

“Oh no,” I say out loud, eyes widening. At the same time as the horror sets in, my heart thaws. He didn’t call a hit on me. He was forced to, obviously, but why?

Bald guy grabs my husband by the elbow and steers him to the front of our house, Dark hair following closely behind. I switch the camera to the front porch just as they reach it.

“Ha,” Bald guy says, voice tinny over the audio. “Door’s broken in. See? He was here.”

“Here and gone,” Dark hair says. “The Viper does fast work.” He sounds admiring, which is flattering. I do fast and good work.

Vi shakes his head disbelievingly and tries to jerk away. His eyes linger on the broken jam as they yank him inside, lips pressed into a tight line. He looks so upset and tired that I grimace, heart stinging. I feel bad about the show now.

It’s–it’s a doozy.

An actual moan leaves Vi’s lips as he sees the inside of our house. There’s a smear of blood on the stairs and the armchair in the living room is knocked over.

“He chases her,” Dark hair says, glee in his voice. “Dragged her up the stairs. See the blood stain? Ooh, maybe not as painless as you hoped, huh?”

“Perle,” Vi says. He looks on the verge of a breakdown. “Perle.”

Alive, well, and horrified in my armory, I cover my face with my hands. “Ooh, babe, I am so sorry.”

“We told Viper to do it upstairs,” Bald guy says. I watch on the next screen as the two men begin dragging my husband up the stairs. They have to drag him as his knees seem to have given out in grief. “Just think, Larson, all this could have been avoided if you hadn’t given that flashdrive to the FBI.”

“Shame really,” Dark hair says. “She looked like a hot piece.”

Vi takes them both by surprise at the top of the stair, lashing out, fury etched on his face. “Don’t you dare talk about my wife.” He gets a good elbow in before Bald guy puts him down with a right hook.

I reach out for my semi-automatic, fury erasing the horror. They did not just punch my husband in front of me.

They did not.

“Don’t talk about my wife,” Bald guy mocks as his partner gasps for air. Vi, while a pacifist, at least knows how to defend himself. He’d gotten a good hit in. Bald guy heaves Vi up off the floor. “Where was this passion before you ordered the hit on her?”

“You–” Vi starts. He’s shaking with rage, I can hear it through the wall now as they come closer and closer to the bedroom. “You made me. You made me.”

“Sure,” Dark hair says, breath regained. There’s a mean look on his face that tells me he’s ready to hurt Vi and that he’d enjoy doing it. “But she died thinking you did.” He cocks his head, the faint strains of my recording reaching them. “Oooh, do you hear that?”

“Yikes,” I say through my teeth. I owed Vi so much after this. How could I think he would ever order a hit on me? I mean there was the fingerprint, but–well, it was an honest mistake.

He’s going to be so mad, I think, loading my weapon. I shove an extra clip in my waistband, just in case. Soooo mad.

They pull my husband into our bedroom. I feel guilt and shame course through me as he takes in the pictures, the blood, the recording.

“No,” Vi whispers. His voice is so close, right through the wall, but I can’t comfort him, can’t tell him the truth. Not until I have a clear line of sight. “Perle!”

“Oh my god,” Dark hair laughs, stooping down to pick up a picture. “Viper is sick. I’ve never heard him doing shit like this, have you?”

Unease flashes across Bald guy’s face, gone as quickly as it comes. “Yeah, well, it’s what the boss wanted. He must have slipped in some extra orders before we sent the contract.”

Vi is silent between them. His eyes are very far away and I think he might be going into shock. “You–I can’t believe–”

Dark hair follows the pictures to the bathroom. “Holy shit, dude, I think he dismembered her in the tub! Oh my god, you’ve got to see this!”

“Please turn off the recording,” Vi says. He sags to his knees, the very picture of a broken man. And I put him there. “Please.”

“Something’s not right,” Bald guy says slowly. He lets go of Vi and takes a step away, frowning as he takes in the whole picture. “I’ve seen Viper’s work.”

If I wasn’t currently in kill mode, I’d raise my eyebrows. Not many people have “seen” my work since I specialize in “disappearances.”

It looks like Bald guy might survive this. For a while. Just until I got my answers.

“What’d you say?” Dark hair asks, coming out of the bathroom.

“I said,” Bald guy says, walking away from Vi, “that something’s not–” He turns his back on Vi, pointing his gun down “–right.”

I kick the panel open, ice running through my veins, and raise my weapon. Vi, already looking my direction to avoid looking at the pictures on the bed, chokes, eyes widening.

Bald guy and Dark hair are much, much too slow.

My first shots kneecap them, sending them to the ground with screams of agony. My next shot takes out Bald guy’s gun hand as he instinctively tries to shoot me. Trained then, but not as well as me.

“Perle?” Vi asks, voice trembling. He stays where he is, twisted around on the floor. “How are you–?”

“Now, babe,” I say, smile too sharp, “what did I say about bringing your work home with you?”

Vi stares at me for a beat longer and then promptly passes out.

I blink down at my husband, honestly thrown. “Huh.” I turn my attention to the bad guys, raising my weapon as I move towards them. Bald guy is watching me through his tears, but Dark Hair is still clutching his knees like that’ll make them un-explode. “That does make this next part easier.”

“How did you know we were coming?” Bald guy asks. He’s a smart one, even with the amount of pain he must be in. “Viper tends to avoid women and children. Did he warn you?”

“Yes,” I say simply. I wait until he nods, resigned, before I continue. “She did.”

Bald guy freezes. “She…?”

“She,” I agree. Neither of them look like they’re going to attack me, so I take the risk and squat down. “And now she has some questions for you.”

Bald guy shakes his head, instinctively trying to crawl away. “That’s–that’s impossible–”

I shoot Dark hair in the head without looking. When Bald guy shouts, I grin. “As I said. I have some questions.”

——————————————-

By the time Vi comes around, Bald guy (Leo Hill) and Dark hair (Anthony Castillo) are gone. I’ll have to move the bodies later, but I feel comfortable enough for now.

“Wha–” Vi says from our bed. He sits up and seems to notice that he’s no longer handcuffed. The photographs are missing from the bed, most of the blood gone.

I’m a fast worker.

“Morning, babe,” I say from across the room. He jerks, head swiveling to where I’m sitting against the wall, computer in my lap. I’m trying to stay calm, but my heart is beating so fast in my chest that I know he can see my nerves.  “I’m trying to get someone to come fix our door. Will you be around Tuesday?”

“Perle,” Vi says, holding very still. “I–the men–” He focuses on me. “You’re not dead. Did I– did that really happen?”

I think about lying to him. I could spin it so that “Viper” really did warn me and then gave me the tools to defend myself. But I don’t want to lie anymore, and by the look of it, Vi is already putting the pieces together anyway.

“Next time you want me dead,” I say lightly, “I’d try not hiring me to do it.”

Vi’s eyes lose focus. “You’re a–an assassin? I always thought you were a spy or a–” He jerks. “Hill and Castillo! Where did they–?”

“I took care of them,” I say. I open my mouth to say more and stop, drumming my fingers against my thigh.

“So you killed them,” Vi says. He still hasn’t moved, but his eyes refocus on me. I can see the gears turning as he chews through recent events, connecting it all together. It’s his intelligence that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

It’s that same intelligence that might spell the end for us now. (Or me being a serial killer. That could factor into it too.)

“Yep,” I say and laugh nervously. “And sort of called out a hit on your boss? I know the FBI is moving in, but they went after you and–Vi? What are you–”

Vi yanks me up, causing my computer to fall to the ground, and wraps me in his arms so tightly that I can’t believe. “I’m so happy you’re alive.”

I hug him back, hardly daring to believe it. He’s real and he’s hugging me and he didn’t call out a hit on me. “Y-you’re not mad? I killed them. I’ve killed a lot of people.”

Vi pulls away just enough so he can meet my eyes. “I am furious. We are going to be talking about it.” He crushes me to his chest again. “I love you.”

I laugh, breath hitching it suspiciously. “Oh you want to talk? I should be saying that to you, what was on that flash drive that made them want to kill me to get to you?”

“Nuclear missile plans,” Vi says into my hair. 

“…what?”

—

(Patreon(X))

You are an anonymous professional assassin with a perfect reputation. You lead an ordinary life outside of your work. You’ve just been hired to kill yourself.

[hyperfixationtimego]

hear me out: kazuichi and gundham spying on their friends’ first date (sonia and akane, respectively), but they fall in love (and kiss 😳😳 in the bushes outside Nezumi Castle?? 👉🏻👈🏻😳) - queer eye anon (also I’m working on rewritten hifumi lore, but I might just make a sideblog for it 👀)

YOU’RE SO RIGHT YOU’RE SO RIGHT YOU’RE SO RIGHT

it starts out as a begrudging sort of thing cause neither of them like each other 😳 but Kazuichi’s like “I need to make sure nothing happens to miss Sonia so I’m gonna be supervising everything. without telling her.” And Gundham is like THE HELL YOU ARE

but if Gundham tells him NOT to do something, that’s a surefire way for Souda to dig in his heels and do whatever the thing is that Gundham hates 10x more

So Gundham is like. fine. but at least let me come so I can keep you from making a fool of yourself and ruining my bestie’s date.

they fight about it. they’re like toddlers. Kazuichi definitely bites him.

Eventually, though, Souda is like UGHHHHHH FINE.

And then they go stake out the soniakane date because they’re both feral idiots <3

It starts out with a nice little walk for the girls - they’re holding hands and chatting and Akane is showing off her fighting moves while Sonia looks on in amazement! There’s mentions of Novoselic courting customs, to which Akane replies that she doesn’t really understand what Sonia’s saying, but she’s willing to do those things if they’re important to the Nevermind girl.

Meanwhile, Kazuichi is positively STEWING WITH RAGE behind the bushes. Gundham is telling him to shut his stupid whore mouth, but Souda is 100% throwing a total bitch fit.

Gundham: I need something that will shut this moron up

also Gundham, immediately: ah. The kiss of death. Surely the most reasonable and efficient and platonic of solutions to this conundrum.

Anyway. he kisses the bastard. And it works! Kazuichi shuts the fuck up! and he is also flustered and blushing and panicking because what. what the hell. what in the hell fuck was that. oh no he liked it. oh no he liked it.

Kazuichi is a big baby about it and pulls his beanie down over his eyes so he doesn’t have to think about anything for a while. Gundham is losing his shit, internally, but is ultimately and performative lt nonchalant about the whole thing.

I tend to imagine these two falling in love takes a LONG fucking time - a bit of a slow burn, if you will - so this would be the first instance in a lengthy series of enemies-to-lovers nonsense :)

Kazuichi hides in his room for at least a week succeeding the kiss. Akane and Sonia are both incredibly confused. Gundham refuses to comment. <3