#basically just in recommended posts i KEPT seeing these dumb as fuck takes

[rainingincale]

Why do i forget that I can block ppl on here lmao

[fairybaby777]

hey !! it’s 💒 anon , .. you asked me about my journey w the law here it is ~ ( also sorry if it’s all over the place I’m actually signing sum covers [ new album EXCITEDDD AHH 🤞🤞 ] omg kinda weird to say ~ )

so first I found out about subliminals I used to listen as much as I can , hoping I would get results , I started with the ones that had more views cuz I thought they worked better anyways they didn’t work . I searched “subliminal results “and kept seeing them whenever I got desperate I used to think they were fake . then I came across more well - edited ( probably young ) sub makers I really liked the aesthetic and used to again listen as much as I could from a state of lack . then idk what happened in the middle but fast forward when I magically found solar subs guide , this was when I found out about the law . honestly solars work was more than enough but I started overconsumption without applying i think i went on insta ( I didn’t kno tumblr was a thing ) & saved + ss sm posts and I would say fuck the law etc . and didn’t persist the most important part is persisting fr . so then I got introduced to self concept and I thought I had to affirm 24/7 and shi and that would honestly j ruin the fun of it , then I was like fuck it no more conditions and j stuck with “ my self concept is perfect “ and affirmed everytime I thought of it ( self concept, in my opinion isn’t required AT ALL to manifest you can have a shit self concept and still manifest like if u had a perfect one j assume ) and then obviously I got a perfect self concept basically this was around the time where I started persisting no matter wtf is going on in my reality I lived in the end and mental dieted and thought “ from “ I also stopped thinking “ why isn’t it here yet I’m persisting “ ( THIS IS SO DUMB LOL ) then within no time I acquired all my desires all I did was think as if I had them no matter what went on in my reality. I would recommend to read solars guide If u haven’t .

if you or your followers have more questions go ahead and ask me , I might take some time to reply cuz i’m really fucking busy and i’m flying 4 times in the next 8 days and have alot of schedules .it’s honestly very tiring but I luv every part of it . i’ll reply whenever I get time .

peace <3

~ 💒 anon

omg 💒anon hello !!! you’re life sounds super exciting ahhh im actually so happy for you ! thanks sm for sharing your journey with us, my journey is honestly veryyy similar. i do have one other question - did your desires just sorta show up overnight or was there a sort of period of events that lead up to everything ? THANK YOU AGAIN 💒ANON !! keep updating us on your busy life when you get the chance !! wishing you a safe flight 🤍🤍

[taramaclaywasaterf]

Hey guys, I know I said I was taking a break. And I am. I’m not actually, like, back back. I just need to vent, I guess.

For those who don’t know, my grandfather committed suicide. He’d been battling lung and stomach cancer for years, and the pain had gotten so unbearable that I guess he couldn’t take it anymore. He’d been in and out of the hospital for years, and the whole month leading up to his death, he was home maybe 4 nights total, the rest spent in the hospital. My dad found him. We’ve been grieving together. It’s been hard.

My family doesn’t really get along that well. Basically just me and one of my cousins are really close, but that's it. My grandfather was kinda the glue that was keeping everyone together. His death was kind of like the final string that was tying us all together being severed.

I don’t know. The police had to come. It was really really bad. They had to make sure he wasn’t murdered.

I just hope it was quick. I hope he’s with my grandmother now. That she was waiting for him on the other side, wherever that may be. That he’s not in any pain anymore. That he knows I love him so fucking much.

As for me, I just feel…I just feel fucking numb. This happened two days after the anniversary of the death of my best friend, and less than a month after the death of Trevor Moore, a comedian whose sketches made me laugh during the worst times of my childhood and whose sudden death really fucked me up.

I kinda just shut down. I didn’t really cry at all the first day. The second day all I did was cry. After that, its like my body physically stopped letting me feel anything at all. I’m just numb. And tired. And my fucking head hasn’t stopped hurting.

I walked around his house and got some things I wanted. Some old photos. Cards I made him when I was little that he kept all these years. Some love notes my grandmother wrote him when they were young. His favorite hat. I found a photo from his wedding to my grandmother, and its now hanging above my bed. Its crazy how much I look like her. How happy he looked to have her in his arms.

I also brought home his cat. I was terrified he wouldn’t fit in with my two cats and dog. But after a bit of a shaky start, and a lot of hours spent sitting with him trying to get him to trust me, he’s settled in. My grandpa rescued him from a shelter when he was a few years old. He loved my grandfather more than anything. I can tell he’s still mourning him, like we all are. But I like to think we’ve been helping each other get through it. I hope my grandfather knows I have him. That he’s not going anywhere. That he’s safe with me, and he’s happy and warm and loved. He’s curled up on my lap right now as I write this. He’s purring quietly.

I miss him. I wish I told him more that I love him. I wish I spent more time with him. I wish I could’ve at least said goodbye. I’ve been through a lot of grief in my life, and it never fucking gets easier. I wish I could take this feeling out of me leave it somewhere for a while. I wish I could fix things. I wish my dad didn’t have to see what he saw. I wish I could make it better for him. I wish this wasn’t how things were.

As for how I am right now, well, I’m laughing. Hysterically. And crying. A lot. I took a break writing this post because it was getting too hard, so I distracted myself by watching dumb videos on my phone. Until this video of Trevor Moore popped up in my Youtube recommended:

And now I genuinely can’t fucking stop laughing. Like, holy fucking shit, Trevor. You really had a way of making jokes that are flat out prophetic, huh? Here I’ve been, on the verge of relapse for the past month over how bad your death fucked ME up, and here you are, years ago, calling me out for how completely and utterly ridiculous I am. And the fact that I’m even writing THIS right NOW makes it even worse! Look at me, acting as if you fucking died to make me learn a fucking lesson! As if my own fucking grandfather died to make me appreciate life more! As if my best friend wrapped her goddamn car around a tree just to make me realize how precious fucking friendships are! As if the entire fucking universe revolves around deliberately fucking my life up! Its pathetic! Its fucking tragic and fucked up and absolutely mind-blowingly fucking pathetic! And yet here I am, writing on the fucking internet to you, Trevor, still doing the same fucking thing! And I can't fucking stop laughing, because this is the most Trevor fucking thing I can possibly think of!

Like. I don’t even know what to do anymore, guys. I know I said I’d be taking a break, and I still am. I just needed to get this out. I don’t want to bother my friends with it, they’re worried enough about me as it is right now. They're kinda treating me as if I'm made of glass right now, which I understand, but its still frustrating. I know they just want me to be ok, and just want to keep me from doing anything stupid and fucking up my life again, but still. Being treated like a paper doll at a waterpark is getting tiring. I guess it just speaks to how entirely not-great I'm doing- that even my closest friends aren't making jokes about this shit- they're acting like I'm some fragile fucking child. But yeah.

Again, I know they mean well, and they just really don't want to see me get sucked down into that fucking void again, but I want to be distracted from all the fucked up things in my life. I want to laugh about it, and not be constantly fucking reminded of how bad things are every time I catch them looking at me like I'm some sad little puppy dog they found on the side of the road.

Oh! to top it all off, I got a letter in the mail yesterday. From my mother. Who I haven't spoken to in around a decade, because she was an abusive addict who made my childhood hell. She wants to have fucking coffee and "catch up." Jesus fucking christ, why now. Seriously. Why fucking now? Nothings been released publicly about my grandfather yet- the only people who know about it is immediate family, and everyone on my dad's side of the family fucking hates my mom almost as much as I do, so there is no way in hell anyone told her about it. So this is just a total coincidence. A giant fucking cosmic "fuck you." (Oh, look, there I go again thinking my existence is meaningful enough to the entire enormity of the universe that it would target me specifically to fuck with! Jesus fucking christ!) Like, I swear to god this fucking woman has some sort of alarm in her brain that says "oh hey, my daughter is at one of the the lowest points in her life?? Time to drop on by and say hello!!!!"

Just...I don't even know. Fuck. I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna get through all this shit, yall.

Well. Anyway. Thats it for now.

Find Kony 2012, I guess.

[theyearoftheking]

Book Eighty-One: Billy Summers

“Maybe a chilly story needs a chilly writing room, he thinks. It’s as good an explanation as any, since the whole process is a mystery to him, anyway.” 

Well hello there, Constant Readers! Have you missed me and my half-assed reviews of Steve books? 

Crickets. 

I know I’ve promised book reviews, television recaps... all the things. But I’m kind of busy living and enjoying life at the moment, without the need to take notes or screen grabs. That being said, I really did enjoy Billy Summers, and it took me almost a hundred pages to remember how this blogging thing worked. I was supposed to take notes? Dark Tower references? DePere, Wisconsin? Should I remember that for some reason? But don’t worry, it was like riding a bike. This blog is full of all the stuff you’ve come to know and love, as well as SPOILERS!!! So, if you have not finished the book yet, stop reading and come back once you’ve turned the last page.

SPOILERS!!! Consider yourselves adequately warned. 

Billy Summers doesn’t really include anything supernatural, and it’s more suspenseful and plot driven than some of Steve’s other books. In other words, it’s another great recommendation for people who don’t claim they don’t like Stephen King. 

Billy is an assassin who has mastered the art of “dumb like a fox”. 

He’s hired for a new assignment, but something seems off. Billy has been in the assassin game long enough to know when something is foul in the state of Denmark. He doesn’t trust the people who hired him, and he has the distinct impression he’s going to end up as the patsy in the end. But, he plays along as Dave Lockridge, single man and writer. He moves onto a charming street in Midwood (I kept reading this as Midworld... thanks, Steve), makes friends with all the neighbors, and beats all the neighborhood kids at Monopoly on the weekends. This part of the book was so tender, it reminded me a lot of Ted Brautigan and the kids from Hearts in Atlantis. Of all the things Billy later regrets, it’s letting these kids down, and having them trust him when he was obviously so untrustworthy. 

During the day, Billy writes  at his office in Gerald Tower. There’s always a tower, isn’t there? And this tower takes on more significance, because it’s the spot from which Billy is supposed to shoot Joel Allen. Joel is due to be transferred to Midwood, and marched up the steps of the courthouse just like in The Outsider. Constant Readers remember how well that worked out... 

Billy has an assassins creed: he only shoots bad guys. On the scale of bad guys, Joel Allen isn’t quite Ted Bundy, but he’s not Mr. Rodgers either. He had something of a “me too” moment when he accidentally mistook a feminist writer for a sex worker; and there was a gun fight outside of a poker game. It’s enough for Billy to work with. 

Billy is waiting for Joel to be transferred to the Midworld Midwood county lock-up; and he bides his time by actually doing some writing. He covers his tragic childhood (his mom worked in a laundry facility, just like Steve’s mom), and his time in the military. This is where Steve really shines. Billy’s book is written in a childish tone that just WORKS. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a simple-minded assassin. But still waters, friends. As the story goes on, Billy’s voice grows and improves. Well done, Steve, it’s like two books for the price of one.

In between writing, Billy assumes another fake identity (Dalton Smith), and secures a bolt hole to hide out in once his job is complete. Believe it or not, the murder of Joel Allen is such an insignificant part of the book. Billy successfully takes him out, and makes it to his bolt hole undetected. And this is really where the second part of the book starts. 

One rainy night, Billy hears random noises outside his apartment. He looks out the window in time to see a van full of guys dump a female body into a gutter. Billy should have just anonymously called the police... but if he had done that, we wouldn’t have a story. Instead, Billy goes full on Captain Save A Ho, and pulls the young woman from the gutter. It’s clear she had been drugged and assaulted, and she manages to puke all over Billy’s place. 

Neat. 

When Alice wakes up in the morning, she recognizes Billy from the police sketches, but promises not to rat him out for the Joel Allen murder. They form an unlikely friendship that includes watering the neighbor’s plants, watching Blacklist, and Alice reading Billy’s book. Basically, they were sheltering in place before that was even a thing; something Steve jokes about. Eventually, Billy knows he needs to get the rest of his money for the Joel Allen hit, and punish the guys who raped Alice. 

Y’all. I’m still having nightmares over the most creative use of a hand mixer I have ever read. I thought the can-opener in Lisey’s Story was bad... this was worse. But the kind of worse you feel good about, if that makes sense. 

After finding out the name of the guy behind the Joel Allen hit, killing a few bad dudes, and pissing off a bitch named Marge (fucking Marge if you’re nasty), Billy and Alice hunker down in Colorado with Billy’s assassin booking agent, Bucky. 

As soon as Billy and Alice entered Colorado and the town of Sidewinder was mentioned, I knew where we were headed. Yeah buddy, Overlook time! 

Billy takes to writing in a little shack behind Bucky’s house, and inside the shack is a Polaroid picture of the topiary animals at the Overlook. Every time Billy looks at the picture, the animals seem to have shifted. It gives him a cold sense of dread. 

There’s a certain parallel I picked up on in Colorado: Jack Torrance and Billy Summers are both haunted men running away from things. The Overlook was where Jack went to dry out, and work on his writing. He wanted to work on his marriage, and become a better father to Danny. We all know he failed spectacularly. Then, we’ve got Billy. Billy actually gets writing accomplished, and becomes an unlikely father-figure to Alice. Despite having just as much, if not more baggage than Jack, Billy doesn’t let it define him. He acknowledges it, and moves past it. It’s almost like Billy accomplishes what Jack couldn’t. And it took the Overlook burning to the ground for that to happen. 

While we’re on the topic of Billy and Alice, one of the things I love about Steve’s characters is he never forces romance where there doesn’t need to be any. While Billy acknowledges the age gap between him and Alice, nothing untoward ever happens between them. There’s obvious love, but never the romantic kind. Steve is one of the few contemporary writers to get this right. 

The story ends with Billy killing the guy behind Joel’s hit, getting shot by Marge as he leaves the crime scene (fucking Marge), Alice nursing him back to health, and getting him back to Colorado where they all live happily ever after.

I wish.

I wish I had stopped reading twenty-three pages before the book ended, because the actual end was more realistic, but heartbreaking. In reality, fucking Marge shot Billy in the stomach, and he died of an infection in the back of a Walmart parking lot. Fucking Marge indeed. But this was the way the book should have ended. Needed to end. Anything else would have been unrealistic. But damn, I hated to see Billy go out like that. 

There was one Wisconsin reference: after Billy kills Joel Allen, he’s supposed to be transferred to a safe house in De Pere. You know... where Steve lived when he was in a kid.

Other than Gerald Tower, we were also graced with “the world has moved on-” just to remind us that we all follow The Beam. 

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 49

Total Dark Tower References: 78

Book Grade: A+

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

Doctor Sleep: A+

The Talisman: A+

Wizard and Glass: A+

11/22/63: A+

Mr. Mercedes: A+

Billy Summers: A+

End of Watch: A+

Under the Dome: A+

Needful Things: A+

On Writing: A+

The Green Mile: A+

Hearts in Atlantis: A+

Full Dark, No Stars: A+

The Outsider: A+

The Bazaar of Bad Dreams: A+

If It Bleeds: A+

Just After Sunset: A+

Rose Madder: A+

Misery: A+

Different Seasons: A+

It: A+

Four Past Midnight: A+

Stephen King Goes to the Movies: A+

The Shining: A-

The Stand: A-

Finders Keepers: A-

Bag of Bones: A-

Duma Key: A-

Black House: A-

The Institute: A-

The Wastelands: A-

The Drawing of the Three: A-

The Dark Tower: A-

Dolores Claiborne: A-

Blaze: B+

Hard Listening: B+

Revival: B+

Nightmares in the Sky: B+

The Dark Half: B+

Joyland: B+

Skeleton Crew: B+

The Dead Zone: B+

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: B+

Wolves of the Calla: B+

‘Salem’s Lot: B+

Song of Susannah: B+

Carrie: B+

Creepshow: B+

Later: B+

From a Buick 8: B

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: B

Sleeping Beauties: B-

The Colorado Kid: B-

Storm of the Century: B-

Everything’s Eventual: B-

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

The Wind Through the Keyhole: B-

Danse Macabre: B-

The Running Man: C+

Cell: C+

Thinner: C+

Dark Visions: C+

The Eyes of the Dragon: C+

The Long Walk: C+

The Gunslinger: C+

Pet Sematary: C+

Firestarter: C+

Rage: C

Desperation: C-

Insomnia: C-

Cujo: C-

Nightshift: C-

Faithful: D

Gerald’s Game: D

Roadwork: D

Lisey’s Story: D

Christine: D

Dreamcatcher: D

The Regulators: D

The Tommyknockers D

I’m not going to end this with any promises of upcoming posts. That way when I do randomly stumble on here one afternoon, it will be a delight for us all.

Until next time, Long Days & Pleasant Nights,

Rebecca

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 105

I’ve managed to get slightly ahead on these, so: A belated thank you to @littleshydragon, @dark-chocolat-cupcake, @overusedblur, and @allegrochicken for all the love I have seen blowing up my notes recently (I’m queuing this on Aug 25, even if it won’t post until Sept 8). 

Also, to the 30 new followers who I have somehow acquired: Welcome!  Ask box is always open, and I don’t get nearly enough of them.  I love to interact with y’all, so don’t be afraid to ask me every little question you think of as you read.  Anon is on if you feel you need that.

Other than that, thanks for this chapter goes out to @baelpenrose for beta reading.  Also @quantumizedinsanity, @charlylimph-blog, @wildforestferret, @creakingcryptid, for the characters you gave me to play with in chapters like this.

Later that same ‘day’, I was forcefully reminded of Noah’s observation regarding human communication.  Things were generally calm, and an impromptu family meal-snack-thing was happening in my quarters. Antoine had been over to visit, as he seemed to be making up for lost time caused by infiltrating Jokul’s accidental cult.  Zach and Hannah were over, as well, so when dinner time rolled around, I just threw together some small po-boy sandwiches and banh mi for us to snack on while we kept visiting, rather than making a full meal.

Hey, I was allowed lazy days, too.

As it happened sometimes, conversation turned to things we either did or didn’t miss from Before.  Tonight was very firmly in the ‘do not miss’ category.

“Plagues started by dumb experiments,” Maverick pointed out, smirking.

Catching on, Conor swatted him playfully. “I said I was sorry about that! And Else is an alright person, turns out.”

Snorting, Hannah covered her face with one hand. “Tell that to Nixe.”

“Her new tail is gorgeous,” I gushed. “If I got reparations like that, I’d at least consider forgiving someone.”

“For almost killing you?”

“It was an accident,” I brushed the comment off, reminded of explaining that gesture to Noah. “Besides, there are a lot of other things I genuinely don’t miss.”

“Aunt Flo,” Hannah intoned seriously.

“Tyche and I already did that one, so it’s not admissible,” I admonished. “But spoiled food? Do not miss.”

Zach shuddered. “Hell, that’s not even from Before. I don’t miss that at all.”

Antoine lifted his coffee in a mock-toast. “To all the people we lost to antibiotics.” After a few confused looks banded around the room, I laughed and waved at him to clarify. Rolling his eyes dramatically, he sighed. “Bread mold. This is why people died in the After of antibiotic allergies: they didn’t know it was derived from bread mold.”

“Dude, that’s dark,” Zach whispered.

Clearing his throat, Conor soldiered on. “I never lived through one, but wildfires were pretty bad, yeah?”

Nodding seriously, Maverick - who had lived on the western coast of NorthAm - added “Yeah, fuck THOSE things. Australia had it worse, but still.”

Raising her hand and waving it, Hannah started making eager noises to ask for her turn.  “Absolutely idiotic job requirements, am I right?” Nods abounded, and she took the opportunity to vent the spleen I hadn’t even guessed her to possess. “The number of jobs I didn’t get because I didn’t have a degree were absurd. I don’t even know why they even required them, for some!  I’m sure most of you had that happen.”

I kept my silence, but Conor was right behind her. “A Master’s in Engineering, to be a foreman.  You’re babysitting a bunch of knuckleheads pounding rebar and pouring concrete!  And they’ve had a decade of learning to do it right, I would’ve just been there to make sure it was compliant. And they wanted a Master’s for that!”

Hannah took a sip of her drink and nodded eagerly. “That’s what I’m talking about! There was a job I qualified for that was basically a glorified secretary… They wanted a four-year degree and paid peanuts. Absurd.  But I was unemployed for way more of my life than I should have been, because I didn’t have that piece of paper.”

Idly, Zach stared at his drink.  Like me, he had one of said-degrees, so this was something of a conversation we couldn’t really take part in. “I wonder how many Councillors we would have if those kind of requirements were put in place here.” Arching an eyebrow, he glanced up at me and inclined his head knowingly.

“Well,” I exhaled. “It depends. If they asked for a Master’s degree of any kind, I wouldn’t be a Councillor.” A thought struck me. “Hey - “

“No, Sophia, you cannot recommend that as a way to retire from the Council,” Antoine scolded with a laugh. “You would be grandfathered in with everyone else.”

The laughter broke the serious tone that had descended, and led to everyone speculating jovially, starting with Conor. “Well, we know Grey would still be a Councillor in that case - they admitted they had a PhD when Else was still getting sorted, rather than an MD.”

“Pretty sure Eino has a Master’s, at least,” Zach pointed.

Maverick shook his head, firmly disagreeing. “Doctorate in Education. I saw it on his wall. Don’t sell that one short.”

“So that’s two.” Hannah leaned forward eagerly. “Conor, what about Huynh?”

“Masters in Engineering,” he confirmed ruefully. “But he’s no PhD.”

“Pranav,” Zach interjected. “Post grad in robotics. Even worked on some of the Padrugoi mission stuff, early on.”

A respectful murmur filled the room, accompanied by appropriately impressed nods. Maverick had to actually shake the starstruck look out of his eyes before he could speak. “So that’s three PhDs, one Master’s, and a Bachelor’s on the Council. Not bad, honestly.”

Antoine cleared his throat politely. “Grey actually has two doctorates, if I am recalling correctly.”

I shook my head firmly. “Three. Biochemistry, genetics, and molecular chemistry.”

With a low whistle, Conor shook his head. “So, we have a clear leader as far as ‘most degrees on the Council’. Would Eino or Pranav be second, though?”

An argument erupted, and when it looked like Zach was about to say something, I shook my head. I knew the same thing he was about to point out, as a by-blow of fixing some of Derek’s more… enthusiastic shenanigans,  but I wanted to see if anyone would figure it out or even question it.  A solid half-hour later, Tyche arrived and scooped up a mini-sandwich before she even registered the conversation/argument taking place.

Whirling to face me, she pointed at the rest of the room and glared at me disdainfully. “Seriously? How long has this been going on?”

“Forty five minutes?” I admitted sheepishly. “Maybe an hour if you include the ‘what we don’t miss’ portion of the conversation.  But ‘degrees on the Council’ has been at least forty five minutes.”

“And you said fuck all?”

I shrugged. “I know it���s not me who has the most or even second most.  I have the least formal education of any Councillor.”

Tyche pinched the bridge of her nose and blew out a long breath. “Okay, everyone. What do you know so far?”

Without hesitation, Maverick rattled it off. “Grey has three doctorates, Eino has one and  a Master’s, it turns out. Pranav has one doctorate and a Bachelor’s. Huynh has a Master’s, and Sophia has a Bachelor’s.”

“And the Councillor you have left out?” she interrogated wearily, while Zach and I tried to restrain our laughter.

“Xiomara?” he asked, face scrunched in confusion. “She was career military, but I don’t know if she has any degrees. Maybe a Bachelor’s?”

Tyche shook her head, glaring again when I started gasping for breath. “Wrong. And you know what? Soph knew this, so I’m going to make her tell all of you. Like she should have. From the beginning.”

“Hey!” I cried, still giggling. “I was giving them a whole other 5 minutes before I broke the news. I just wanted to see if they would even question their reasoning.”  Antoine’s eyes got wide, sending me into another giggling fit. “None of you even mentioned the idea of Xiomara having any degree,” I gasped, almost in hysterics. “Mav was in the military, so I get that he just assumed she was busy as fuck, but… et tu, everyone?”

Hannah’s head turned slowly to stare down Zach. In self defense, he held up both hands with one pointing at me. “She told me not to say anything.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I did!”

Carefully, Conor slowly asked the question that was on everyone else’s minds. “Sophie? What’s so funny?”

Tears were pouring down my face at this point - not because I thought the situation was funny, because it wasn’t. Not really.  I was hysterical because I was so caught off guard that we still brought something like this with us. “I don’t know the real reason why nobody considered Xiomara, and I’m scared to ask at this point. I’m hoping it’s because she looks tough as hell and like the kind of person who would beat up highly educated people rather than be one.” Wiping a tear from my face, I glanced at Tyche. Her jaw was tight, clearly thinking the same things I was. “But the fact that she is the only other woman on the Council, that hurts, honestly.”

I took a few deep breaths to compose myself. “The fact is, Xiomara has five degrees. Five. Along with her military career. Tyche and I have to know this, since we handle staffing.” Counting on my fingers, I started ticking them off. “Two doctorates, one in international law and one in experimental economics - as in, yes, the calorie economy was her idea. A Master’s in military history, along with two Bachelor’s degrees: one in experimental chemistry and one in nuclear physics.” Shaking my head, I glanced at the shocked and guilty expressions in the room. “It isn’t three PhDs, but damn, y’all. The woman has five degrees!”

“How did she do that, and a military career, so young?” Maverick asked, his tone nothing but awed.

Antoine looked confused at the question. “My friend, how old do you think Xiomara is?”

He shrugged. “Sophie’s age? So, thirtyish?”

Conor poked him. “Mav. You know how old Sophie is.”

Maverick rolled his eyes. “Fine. So maybe forty? The whole healing stuff messes with me, I’ll be honest.”

Smiling, I cut him some slack. “Xiomara is just over ten years older than me,” I clarified.

Hannah’s eyes widened, and Zach looked like he had been punched in the gut. “So hot-scary-lady is fifty?” After Tyche and I nodded, he shook his head. “That’s still super-impressive for fifty. For seventy, even!” Zach shook his head. “Grey, I could understand. They seem like the type to just live for education, you know? But, Xio? I’ve known for a year and I still get dizzy thinking about it.”

“It does explain why she’s so intimidating,” Conor pointed out. When I opened my mouth to scold him, he held up one hand. “No! No. Doctorates have to be argued and defended, right? Plus one of those is in law. And she balanced a military career on top of all that. If I accomplished all that, people would look at me with respect and expect me to be a direct, take-no-prisoners kind of person.” He glanced at Antoine, who winced and nodded in confirmation. 

“She isn’t though,” I complained. “She’s a leader.”

“Definitely not ruthless, but she is intimidating to the general population,” Hannah pointed out gently. “That’s part of what Jokul was talking about, right? The Ark, as a whole, doesn’t get to see her get excited over her favorite foods, or pictures of baby pandas, or…. Cherries? Is it cherries she’s crazy for?”

“Pomegranate,” I corrected, begrudgingly.

“Pomegranate,” Hannah asserted. “They don’t get to see that. They get to see ‘hot-scary-lady who lays down the law’. Not ‘Xiomara who gets googly eyed when Parvati Fletcher wears that one violet shirt’.”

“Or hates plantains,” Tyche pointed out. “Which never made sense to me, because fried plantains are basically dessert with dinner.”

I started to giggle a bit. “It makes even less sense when you’ve seen her order coffee.” Tyche groaned, but more confused looks bounded about the room. Full out laughing, I explained. “She… she puts… maybe three ounces of coffee? Not espresso, just regular coffee… with what looks like a gallon - “ I snorted so hard it hurt my nose, but couldn’t stop. “Of milk! And sugar! Oh gods, she must put a cup of sugar in her coffee, I swear!”

Hannah and Zach exchanged glances, as did Conor and Maverick. Within seconds, the entire room erupted in laughter. “That?” Conor gasped. “That is hilarious….”

“I...I always thought… she took her coffee blacker than sin….” Zach wheezed. “And baby pandas?”

Sobering suddenly, I straightened and glared at the entire room. “OI!” I shouted. “Baby pandas are fucking cute, and if you don’t think so, you aren’t human, and I will ask Noah to do genetic testing to prove that.”

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[crowsent]

AUgust 2020: Post-Apocalypse AU

Challenge given by @augustwritingchallenge

Summary: "You’ve gotta be fucking KIDDING me!” Battered and dirty and broken as it is, Max recognised this sign. Camp Camp looked much smaller now.

Pairing: N/A, implied mention of Gwen/David

Characters: Max, mention of Gwen and David

Word Count: 1143

CW: Zombie violence

Notes:  the tumblr version is unformatted. for that reason, i highly recommend you to read the ao3 version instead so yall get that sweet sweet tone difference.

im a basic bitch who picked Zombie for post-apocalypse get over it. and i SWEAR to god if ANYONE fucking pulls some disgusting maxv//d bullshit in the notes im blocking yalls asses

AO3 Link: HERE

=

“You’ve gotta be fucking KIDDING me!” It’s a bad idea, but literally fucking everything is a bad idea in this zombie shitstorm. Who gives a cunt’s hair if Max lets out a scream filled with the rage-frustration-disbelief-rage that had been building up more and more and more? “There’s fucking something laughing at me,” he declared. A god, a demon, a heartless wretch dictating what his life would be behind a silver screen but something out there just wanted him to suffer for as long as possible in the worst fucking way.

The stupid banner under it has torn, the letters had faded even more, and one of the posts holding the sign up had been knocked down, but the stupid fucking thing stubbornly held itself aloft using a nearby overgrown tree branch like a crutch. Battered and dirty and broken as it was, Max recognised this sign. And, as he looked around him, he began to recognise these woods.

Camp Camp looked much smaller now. Max could touch the sign if he reached up for it on his tiptoes. Trace the letters that he spat at in his youth, follow the winding path deeper in with his eyes and if he looked real hard, deep past the overgrowth of leaves and branches, he could almost make out the flag in front of the mess hall peeking out, the one that David always saluted whenever he chanced a glance up like a fucking moron.

Starving, exhausted, and with blisters on his feet from running so damn much, Max can’t fucking believe that luck or fate or whatever the fuck brought him back here. A sharp whine, cut through the air behind him. Without even thinking, Max picked up his baseball bat and swung blind towards the noise.

There was a crack and a snap and just a little bit of that disgusting squelch when wet flesh slaps against the ground. Max heard it way too often these days. The bat cleaved through a runner’s forearm, sending it flying off into the great beyond as the zombie fell back, tumbling head over ass a few feet back. It didn’t stay down, runners never do, and the bitch got back up, scuttling on all fours (threes now, since it just lost an arm) like a shitty human-dog hybrid and lunged.

Max swung again and took the head clean off.

The fucker screamed too before it died. Like screaming was just the national past time in the middle of the apocalypse. Like it just had to let its zombie friends know that “hey, there’s a human here that hasn’t been bitten yet bon ape-fucking-tit.”

Bastard.

There’s a matching scream in the distance, in the direction where Max ran from. First one. Then two, then three. Then there was a chorus as the fucking things communicated. They were coming. Fucking zombies, travelling around in packs and shit like blonde rich girls with pumpkin spice lattes taking up the entire walkway when they traipse down the fucking mall at the pace of a crippled tortoise. Bitch. “I’m not dying in front of this shitty fucking camp…” Max grumbled. He wiped his bat (stolen off a wannabe jock getting his arm bit from highschool a couple of weeks ago) on the zombie runner’s tattered jeans. It helped a bit. There was still gunk and gore and what Max was sure was a tooth embedded in it, but he had no time.

He held it by the middle and ran away from the incoming horde, deeper into the woods. Towards camp. The bus dropped kids off here, and then David would come vomit sunshine all over them and escort them to the camp proper for the grand tour of Campbell’s poor excuse of a money-making scheme. The trail was overrun with grass, path barely visible at all as the trees stretched their gnarled branches out like grasping hands and shadowed everything with a thick canopy of leaves. Didn’t matter though. It’s been years since Max had been in this shitty camp, but he didn’t need to see the trail to know where the camp was.

That upturned rock that kinda looks like a butt was still there. Had to turn slightly to the left until he sees the tree with the sexy Marilyn Monroe pose where had to turn right in a 90 degree angle until he reached the mess hall. Max’s feet moved on instinct and habit, following a path that he’d known seemingly his entire childhood. Happens when your parents punt you out of the car like unwanted luggage and you have to stay in one place year after year after year til they don’t pick you up one summer and you had to be dragged away by some bitch in a uniform and a smile so plastic they could market her off as a hyper-realistic barbie doll.

Muscle memory took Max in front of the mess hall. There was still a redundantly painted ‘Mess Hall’ over the door, though a little faded now. The flag pole still stood; held together with tape and rope and sheer fucking spite. And even though the last time Max had called David ended with his screams and Gwen’s terrified voice panic-yelling that a zombie had made it into their house, he couldn’t help but think that no one else but David could have done this. He was the only son of a bitch dumb enough to ever come back to Camp Campbell in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. That he and Gwen were safe.

I wonder what happened to him?

Max didn’t spend that long standing outside and gawking at the pole like an idiot. No, he was going to be smart about this. He knew that there was an attic in the mess hall where Cameron Campbell kept his shit, and another attic in the pantry behind the kitchen where Neil wrote in his diary and kept biscuits and juice and who knows what else. If he was lucky, there’d be something for him to eat while he waits for the horde to investigate this sham of a summer camp like Agents Millner used to do. Hopefully they’d be just as shitty at it.

He’d be quiet and patient. A thing he used to be shit at, but funny how good he turned out at them when being both of those things meant continuing to live another day of this shitty life.

Max pushed open the door. It creaked a little, but it was unlocked and he could get in.

He didn’t know why he did it, but just before he slipped inside the mess hall and barricaded the door, Max threw the Camp Camp salute at the flag, back straight, arm out, fingers curled as he tilted his head up ever so slightly.

Just like David used to do.

[melyaliz]

Past loves and future babies pt. 6

Masterlist

Fandom: Marvel MCU 

Summary: Moopy moods, trash books, and good advice. Also know as: Dixie and Steve try and find some common ground. 

Pairing: Steve Rogers 

Notes: The book Dixie found is a reference to my really good friend’s novel Close Quarters. While not a Trashy book I am obsessed with the cover. Also I highly recommend checking out her work, her newest book Shard of Glass I may or may not have helped story edit. (Once it’s published I will make a longer post about it) 

All Masterlists @melyalizarchive​​

Connect with me! AO3 / Instagram / Pinterest

DONATE or REQUEST

-------------------------

There was just 

So

Much 

Drama

Who knew that the American beefcake could just be so moody.

More like American drama.  

Dixie went to bed alone that night and didn’t see Steve the next morning. 

Part of her was grateful for it. 

Part of her just wanted to leave. 

Although she was starting to get attached to this bedroom and apartment. It just had so many amenities. Just this morning she had even found a cabinet that had extra pillows and blankets of all sizes and textures so she could choose the perfect ones for her mopey mood. 

Or her dealing with mopey mood.

What a pair they were. A pair of mopes. Too bad they couldn’t mope together. They were, after all, in this situation together. 

But Dixie wasn’t one to stay mopy for too long. Life was too short and this place was way too cool. (Plus it didn’t look good on her and causes wrinkles) So after having a nice breakfast on the balcony the young woman decided to forget Steve’s drama and explore. After all. She wasn’t a prisoner here. She was a guest. 

What is the worst that could happen? 

------------

Dixie was lost.

This place was too big and she didn't have Mac’s voice in her ear telling her where to go. It was insane to her how much she acted like this tough chick yet it was becoming more and more clear that she was basically (literally and figuratively) lost without her brother. 

“Are you lost?” 

The sound that came out of Dixie was something she never hoped to make again. It was like something between a squeak and a scream by a deaf 80yearold man. The young woman who had spoken stared at her with a look of amusement fighting on her round face. Dressed in a flowing back dress her soft red hair was pulled in a messy bun. 

“I… sheesh you scared me.”

“Sorry, I’m light on my feet.” Wanda said, “I didn’t mean to scare you but you also seemed pretty caught up in your own thoughts.” 

“Yeah happens, I’m prone to daydreaming and getting lost in long hallways..” 

“Were you looking for someone?” 

Steve, she meant steve. Because who else would Dixie be looking for? And the bitter bitch answer was no. She didn’t want to see that man right now. She was being a self martyr the moment and over their fight. 

“No, I was just bored.” shoving her thumbs into the belt loops of her jeans Dixie looked around. Trying to find a reason to excuse herself. 

“Well, you could join me in the library if you want,” Wanda offered. Dixie fought back a smile, then again it may be nice to get to know her… she wouldn’t call them roommates… more like compound mates?   

“Please tell me it’s like something out of Beauty and the Beast.” 

Wanda chuckled “Sort of,” 

It was... sort of. 

Like if Beast was inspired by an apple store. All white and clean. Large windows like the rest of the compound gave beautiful views and natural light. That illuminated rows and rows of books. 

“So what have you been reading?” Dixie asked, looking around feeling a little lost. A feeling she was starting to get used to. But contrary to popular believe this ditsy looking woman knew how to think of her feet and fit into most settings. She was, after all, a resilient survivor.  

Alice held up a Virginia Wolf book for her to see. “What kind of books do you normally read?” 

“Do be honest…” Dixie looked around, “I’m more of a Netflix and Chill kind of gal, but who knows maybe I can learn a new skill.” 

“Reading?” it came out more as a laugh than judgement. Dixie knew in that moment she had won over the witch. After all nothing says female bonding like a little light sarcasm. 

Dixie flashed her a wide smile, “I know we just met but… I’m very dumb.”  

With that Dixie slowly she made her way through the shelves. Just taking it all in. While yes, she wasn’t much of a reader there was just something… relaxing about a room filled with books. It was like the ocean or a rainy day. 

Soon she came upon a small collection of what looked like some trashy novels that had been shamefully hidden in the corner. She chose one that looked like a pirate romance, a strong opened shirt man holding a beautiful maiden on the cover. She honestly wasn’t even sure if she was going to read it but the fact that all those books looked so out of place she figured she mined as well give them some attention. 

They were like her. Trashy and slightly out of place in this beautiful white world. 

“So…” Dixie said, making her way back to the large sofas in the middle of the room, “How long have you known the team.? 

“A few years now, Although Tony and Natasha not as much as Steve.” Wanda said glancing up from her book. Her pretty eyes studied Dixie. While Dixie wasn’t sure the extend of her witchy powers she had a feeling Wanda knew… like she could read Dixie’s very soul. 

Then again it wasn’t a secret why Dixie was here. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure” 

Sitting down across from Wanda, Dixie folded her arms over her chest, “What happened to him?” 

“Honestly, I’m not the best person to ask,” Wanda said. 

--------------------------------

“What happened to you?” Sam asked, glancing at Steve who had been sleeping on his couch since last night. Sam knew that Steve wouldn’t go to Bucky because Steve’s “best” friend would kick him out and make him face his problems. 

While Sam was less likely to make him do the mature thing. 

“I need to go talk to her,” Steve sighed, rubbing his temples trying to loosen the headache that had been lodged there since last night. Tension that didn’t seem to want to leave. It had probably been building since the beginning of this week finally complaining into the blazing pain it was now. 

“Did you guys fight?” 

“Sort of.” Steve sighed leaning forward. “I don’t know.” 

“You know if you fought?” Sam asked, handing Steve some coffee before sitting next to him. 

“She just, sort of kept pushing stuff I didn’t want to talk about. And then I snapped at her.” 

“I find that hard to believe.” Sam muttered, “The you snapping part. Her pushing… Well I don’t really know her but she definitely didn’t seem like the shy sweet demeanor kind of girl.” 

That last comment made Steve want to defend her. Yes, Dixie had a pretty loud personality. Quick witted and a bit brash. But she was sweet. And even she had admitted she had been pushing him out of love. As a way to try and get to know him. 

If anything she was focused. Focused on this mission. Focused on that task at hand. 

Something Steve sure as hell wasn’t. 

Ever since he had come back he had felt lost. Unsure what to do and how to act. It was as if he was living in limbo. Finished with one mission but without the next one anywhere close. 

Or at least a mission he was comfortable with. 

“I mean I’m probably not the right person to talk to in the romance department.” Sam’s voice cut through Steve’s deep brooding, “Maybe Wanda or Clint? They have had… pretty stable relationships.” Sam sighed while taking a long sip of his coffee, “But what I use to tell people who were struggling with survivor's guilt was that it’s ok to move on. To find happiness.”

“I don’t have survivor's guilt…. I have: I can’t do what I think is right for her guilt.” 

“Why don’t you talk to her about it? Or don’t. Honestly I think this whole thing is kind of fucked.” Sam shrugged, “What kind of person requires two people to have a kid to save the world. I mean I know we have been through some crazy shit but… man this has got to take the cake.”  

-------------------

“Yo Soldier boy wait up!” 

Bucky froze turning to see Dixie running toward him. Big smile on her face as she waved her hand trying to flag him down. “Hey” 

“I was told you were the man to talk to about my moody baby daddy.”

“You’re baby daddy?” 

“Ok well more like future baby daddy, but I digress.” waving away her words Dixie took a few gulps of breath. She needed to get into better shape if she was going to be around all these hunky heroes. He had been barely jogging and trying to catch up with him made her feel like her lungs were about to shrivel up and die. 

“I’m assuming last night didn’t go well?”

“He left to get milk and never came back.”

“What?” Bucky wasn’t sure if she was joking or serious. To be honest, half the things she was saying to him didn’t make sense. Like he understood the words but he had a feeling the meanings were a bit beyond his scope. 

“Sorry, I tend to make jokes when I’m nervous…” Dixie sighed, kicking the toe of her shoe against the concrete. “What I mean is, like, what happened to him?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Something happened during the battle, or maybe it was before? But he told me he wasn’t supposed to be here. What happened?” 

Bucky sighed, he could picture the conversation. Steve’s guilt for not being able to instantly love this woman he didn't know. Steve fighting with a heartbreak to the woman he had been in love with forever. This poor woman had walked into way more than she meant to and he honestly was slightly impressed she was still going. obviously trying to fix something that was way out of her league. 

“He told you that?” 

“Yeah. And I tried to ask him why but.” Dixie sighed looking away for a moment, trying to gather her words, “Look, normally I wouldn’t go behind someone’s back. I’m more of a head on kind of gal. But I’m desperate and I keep doing the wrong thing.” 

“It’s not you.” 

“Yeah I keep hearing that. But I’m the one stuck with the problem” 

“It’s not really my place but, give it time. Steve wants to do the right thing but sometimes, his head gets in the way.”

“Yeah I think I may have the opposite problem.” Dixie laughed, “I’m more just hit it until it starts working than turning it off and on again.”

“You keep saying english but I have no idea what you mean.” Bucky said trying to understand what ‘turn it off and on again’ meant. Was it a sex thing? 

“Oh sorry, I keep forgetting you aren’t from this time.  It’s kind of a computer reference,” 

“Ah,” Bucky nodded, looking the woman over. She wasn’t the type of girl he would have chosen for Steve. But then again he hadn’t really thought Peggy was Steve’s kind of girl either. Not that Dixie was much like Peggy. Sure they were both kind of hard headed but Dixie seemed to hide behind a thick layer of jokes while Peggy was honest and upfront. 

To be honest, Bucky had no idea how this would end. Besides the obvious kid. But a relationship between these two… it was anyone’s guess. 

And speaking of the other half of this unlikely couple. Steve was just slowly walking up to them. 

“Well look who it is.” Bucky said nodding toward his best friend. 

Dixie turns to see the tall blonde walking up. Dark bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. Something she didn’t know a super soldier could have, but I guess they are still human. If not a little less human. 

“Hey, Wanda said you would be out here.” 

Dixie smiled thinking about the small witch pushing Steve outside. She was more crafty then she was letting on. Dixie had a feeling they were going to be good friends. 

 “Can we talk?” he asked, glancing from Dixie to Bucky. His blue eyes lingers on Bucky for a moment. A silent question that Bucky only responded with a simple shrug. 

“I’m always here to talk.” Dixie said studying him. She seemed to be holding something back. But Steve was sure he would find out eventually. 

With a simple nod to Bucky they both walked back toward the compound. Before they entered Steve steered Dixie toward the large lake that their apartment overlooked. Slowly the two of them followed a path around the sparkling blue water. A few ducks playing in it’s refreshing embrace. 

They walked in silence for a few more moments. Steve is clearly struggling with what to say. So Dixie decided to speak first. 

“I just want to rush this and that’s not fair to you.”

“Is there someone you are going back to?” Steve paused, studying her. Trying to understand why she would want to rush this. Why she had been rushing everything.  

“No” it was a lie but… it also wasn’t the someone he was talking about. She didn’t feel guilty about it, but it also made her feel lonely. It reminded her -once again- that she was the one who was alone here. “I just… don’t belong here”

“You do…” he started to protest, his words dying moments after leaving his mouth. She held up a hand to stop him from trying to make her feel better. She didn’t belong here and that was fine. Her life was all about survival. His was all about helping others survive. She was under no pretense that this would ever be long term. 

She had just hoped it would be shorter term than it was turning out to be. 

“Dixie… It’s just that.” Steve sighed looking over at the small family of ducks that were swimming circles around the pond. All of them playing with each other just enjoying the sunshine. “I have always taken any problem I have faced head on. I am used to punching those in my way. Taking the problem and literally beating it away. I’m just not used to…”

“Making love to your problems.” 

That earned her a smile. A genuine smile. Dixie loved that smile. It reached his blue eyes and they would sparkle. There was compassion there and something deep inside that she loved creating. 

“In a way I guess so.” 

Dixie knew she was putting just as much pressure on Steve as he was putting on himself. She knew that in a way they were both pushing at something that couldn’t be pushed. One out of fear and one out of pain. 

But why were they pushing? 

“I guess they didn’t really give us a timeline, how about this. We just live together. Sleep together, like side by side no sex. Give it a month. And if it doesn’t come naturally after that we will re-evaluate what we need to do.” holding out her hand Dixie gave him a wide smile, “Deal?” 

Steve took her hand in his large rough one. As his thumb brushed against the top of her hand he noticed a long white scar. Maybe there was more to this woman than he realized. Maybe he just needed time to get to know her. To learn about her stories and scars. Just like she needed to learn about his. 

Maybe all they really needed was some time. 

“Deal.” 

-GET TAGGED!- 

Masterlist

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[dolansmith]

Thoughts on the “Trisha Drama”

I’m going to preface this with my previous thoughts of both sides. I didn’t know who Trisha was until after I found out about the vlog squad about a year ago. I didn’t mind her, i thought she brought out an interesting perspective to the group. Then I thought she was literally off her rocker. 

I loved the vlog squad bc I found them in a really difficult time in my life and they kept me from getting too deep into a depression. While I saw some of their mistakes, I saw the best in them all and hoped for change or at least some kind of accountability. 

This is gonna be really long and idk if anyone is even gonna read this/care lol but Im just so frustrated with a lot of the people that are into the vs. Like after really looking into everything that happened, I felt kind of ashamed to be backing the vs bc they’re doing some fucked up stuff tbh. 

So lets do a basic rundown of mistakes made. 

Mistakes in their public relationship:    -Trisha: made sexual jokes about jason’s friends, started arguments about her insecurities instead of starting a conversation.     -Jason: made sexual jokes about girl’s a decade younger than trisha (and 2 and a half decades younger than him), would complain about having to go do things trisha liked doing and would pout the whole time  (i.e. disneyland and a couple of the hamilton viewings), would egg on trishas insecurities, literally dumped her on a daily basis and call her crazy when she voiced said insecurities and then would basically get back together within an hour and practically give everyone whiplash, also talked about her weight and eating habits CONSTANTLY (fucking dick)    -David: inputted himself in their relationship, recorded their fights and encouraged their toxic behavior to both his friends and his audience

Mistakes in the “official” breakup:    -Trisha: talking about jason’s ex and kids, comparing david to ted bundy (a lil wild but tbh not that big of a deal bc no one actually believed thats what she meant but anyway), the brandon thing (we’ll come back to this)    -Jason: continuing to make jokes about fucking a 19/20 year old despite his gf saying she didn’t like it, not putting an end to David “pressuring him” to making said jokes, the brandon thing    -David: ignoring his “friend” when she said not to put something in his vlog, putting his image and career first

Mistakes after:    -Trisha: constantly going on rants about david and Jason.    -Jason: staying in contact with trisha secretly. (ill get back to this too)    -David: putting his image above all else. 

Now we’re going to get into some uncomfortable hot takes. I’m gonna get a whole lotta hate from stans but tbh idc anymore

The Brandon Thing (I’ve done some digging since her video exploding at Jeff): 

   -Brandon began a relationship with a high schooler. She was underage the first time they had sex. There’s receipts and timelines set up. I’d recommend Petty Paige’s Youtube video on it for specifics.     -Lot’s of vs fans say she only brought it up when her and Jason ended so that meant she didn’t really care, but I’d like to point out that she has stated (on more than one occasion) that she voiced her thoughts on this multiple times to the group in Private and no one cared. Y’all are always going on about how she should say whatever she has to say in private but when she does and is ignored, what then? Just a thought.     -Let’s also bring the rest of the vs up in this. How come none of them ever said anything? They’re the ones still out here tolerating him. Pretty hypocritical. I’m not gonna aim anything at the girls bc none of them have Brandon in their videos but the guys? Jeff, Jason, David, Todd and I think Scott too, have all had Brandon in at least one video. They’re out here talking shit about Trisha amongst each other but are friends with a predator? Lmao Okay, cool. 

Jason Keeping in Contact for months: 

   -This was dumb.     -As someone who has suffered from mental health issues and has been in a mental hospital and suffered from attachment AND abandonment issues, Trisha would’ve been better off had Jason ended things and kept them that way. Instead, he ended their public relationship and friendship. He kept her a secret from even his “friends” and then dragged on their “friendship” for months. For what? He should’ve just given her her things and closure and kept it pushing.     -On that, why did he keep her belongings for so long and refuse to give it back until she said something public about it? He ignored her calls and texts about her very expensive things for weeks. Then she made a video calling him out on it, and she got her stuff back.    -I’m seeing a pattern here, aren’t you?

The Jeff Thing (did some digging on him too...by digging i mean google):

   -This one makes my blood boil for several reasons. ESPECIALLY AFTER TODAYS VIDEO. It rlly put everything into perspective omg.     -The starbucks story that Trisha told was the same everywhere: ‘I saw Jeff at Starbucks and said hey. He ignored me and was such a pussy he left his order at the counter after having paid.’ His masculinity is SO FRAGILE that he twisted it into ‘I’m not gonna be fake with someone who fucked over my friend. Can’t fuck them up either tho lol’ and ‘i’m not gonna make shit easy on you, i’m gonna make them feel weird’. What a baby lmfao    -His assault joke rubbed me the wrong way. I know Jeff’s schtick is the whole “I was in jail for a few months and I was a drug dealer I’m big and scary” blah blah blah. Listen, I’ve met men that have been in jail longer (he was in for only 4 months he once said I think) and had worse upbringings than he did and HAD to do some of the shit Jeff was doing (which lemme remind yall, was on his own accord). The men that I know that have lived similar and worse lifestyles than Jeff, would never and I REPEAT NEVER, make a joke about assaulting a Woman over “fucking my friend over”, when the situation was what it was. Which was: an exposé, basically. That’s some petty shit, it’s for the birds. (Also, Todd and Jay’s jokes about the assault joke? Ain’t it. They were just as bad as Jeff’s original joke.)    -Do y’all know what Jeff’s been to jail for? He tried to assault someone that worked at a 7-Eleven after he and his dumbass friends were fucking around in the store and got yelled at and ended up assaulting a woman walking by.     -He also talked about her mental health issues. Maybe he wasn’t talking about her specifically, but it was REAL specific. He said that it was crazy that a “psychopath” that’s been in a mental hospital still had a platform on youtube. That they shouldn’t have one. Trisha made a really good point of, “some could say the same about your time in jail.” Because they could. And mental health can be managed. So can your outrageous anger issues, Jeff. This was really ignorant on his part.     -I also want to remind everyone about the time he said he didn’t understand how men could be sexually harassed. That all you had to do was say no.    -He says he likes to “make things awkward” and make everything a joke when really he’s just being ignorant and doesn’t want to get real hate when he gets inevitably called out

Trisha’s “Dirt”:

   -Trisha doesn’t know anything that the rest of us don’t. We’re just all IGNORING it. Why? Bc David’s charming and Todd and Jeff are pretty? Ridiculous. This is the last vlog squad post i’m going to make because I’m done. So the following is going to be a rundown on the “dirt” on them that made me come to the decision that I wouldn’t be supporting them anymore. I’ll also put my own thoughts and comments underneath in case y’all are curious. Staying silent about these situations is the same as complacency.     -Brandon Calvillo: Covered this but to reiterate, he dated a high schooler and slept with her/dated her knowing her age. He then lied about it in a video to cover his tracks.           *I am well aware that she was months from being 18. This doesn’t make it okay. What does a 26 year old have in common with a 17 year old? And just because this is the first girl we know about, doesn’t mean she’s the first at all or even the last.     -Durte Dom: He was accused of assault at vidcon.            *This hasn’t been confirmed. But it also hasn’t even been discussed. This girl is getting hate from vs stans and the vs have stayed silent. I can understand not wanting to show attention to people who make accusations for clout, but assault is serious and should at the Very Least be acknowledged privately or legally bc it could be considered slander. Don’t let your fans (or your friend’s fans) do your dirty work.      -Jeff Wittek: He has major anger issues. Makes jokes about assaulting women after actually having assaulted one in the past (accidentally but doesnt take away from what he did) and has made jokes about sexual harassment against men not being viable             *tbh he has a “pretty white boy complex”. Meaning he knows that he can say and do what he wants and most people will let it slide bc he’s a pretty white boy. No education needed.     -Jason Nash: Is friend’s with a predator, is quite possibly setting an awful example to his kids, namely his daughter.          *Listen. I’m a feminist, a woman should be able to decide what to do with her body after she turns 18. But being groomed and hit on by grown ass men when you’re barely legal, ain’t it. If you want to and feel ready, there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it BUT 9.9 times out of 10, that fucks a woman up in the future. One day, she is going to see her dad hitting on a 19/20 year old Tana and see that her dad’s  26 year old best friend dated a 17/18 year old and lied about specifics and might think that’s normal and how men should treat her. I won’t support that shit.

And as for all the other member’s of the vs, they either don’t care enough about what their friends or friends’ friends are doing, or they’re not bothering to even consider it’s happening and that isn’t cool either. 

Be better. 

As for Trisha, she’s had her own faults and fuckups, no doubt about it. I’m not a big fan of her content but i FELT for her. Her name has been dragged through the mud because of this more than anything else and it doesn’t sit right with me when her only real fuckup in THIS situation was bringing the ex and kids into it the way she did. Everything else either could have been avoided or she had a right to say to the public since they put everything about the relationship out in the open as much as she did. If Jason and David had reached out and admitted their own mistakes and asked her to stop talking about them online the way she was, she probably would’ve chilled out. What happened, what they and their fans (us) have done has been nothing short of traumatizing, no doubt. The way these 30 year old boys (Jeff, Todd, Scott and Jay) are reacting to her? They’re the real joke if we’re being honest.

Note: I’d also like to say that if you do still support them and have differing views than I do, I’ll respect you and your views no matter what. Everyones entitled to their opinion and thoughts. These are just mine. 

[leggigoesabroad]

we were staying in paris to get away from our parents

Lyric from “Paris” by the Chainsmokers.  We (Rach and I) used to love the Chainsmokers until we found out they were trash humans who cheated on their girlfriends with no remorse, and instead we’ve followed the ex-girlfriends loyally since the breakups.  Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARY!! It’s 11:23 am here in Paris on Cinco de Mayberger and I wish I was in Philly holding that muffin and celebrating our girl, but hopefully I can be soon.  

I really shouldn’t be blogging right now because I’m sitting in a super cool cafe that is meant for working and co-working and I’m paying to be here, so I shouldn’t waste my paid time on blogging... but hey, I’m waiting for my Adderall to kick in and also I think this is the coolest concept ever.  It’s a super cozy space and you pay for the length of time you’re here.  It’s a little expensive but I have no sense of responsibility anymore.  It’s 5 euro an hour and that gets you access to the wifi, convenient plugs everywhere, and an all-inclusive self-serve tea and coffee bar.  I think it’s kind of genius!!  There’s snacks, bread, nutella, all kinds of tea, coffee, etc.  Takes away all the stress of posting up at a coffee shop for hours and wondering how much you need to buy to make yourself feel okay about using their space all day.  Kitty and I are personally very passionate about rental businesses/unlimited concepts like this, and I’m making a mental note to tell her about this so we can open one at home.  There’s a chance Americans wouldn’t go for it, but I think at the right price it’d be dope.  Of course, it basically reminds me of a bottomless brunch, and I’m pre-panicked I won’t get my money’s worth.  What if we served mimosas at our place, Kitty?!  Interesting.  I wish it wasn’t 3:30 am in Breck right now so we could discuss this.  

Last I left off I was on the train to Paris.  Vienna and Prague genuinely feel like years ago.  Such a weird trip, start to finish.  Not the kind I’d design on my own, but not NOT... just odd to be here mostly alone without a plan and kind of figuring it out as I go.  Not my style.  I got into Gare de L’est in Paris and figured out the Metro to Angie and Adam’s place around 7 pm.  Their 7-month-old is very French and goes to bed around 9:30 pm, so we bonded right away and she instantly took to me.  They tell me she’s mostly like that with all strangers, but I feel I’m special to her.  She cries when I leave the room!!  I had to sneak out to the cafe this morning because she was bawling when I went to my room after saying good morning to her.  Sweet angel.  Her name is “Thea” but they exclusively call her “Doodle” and it reminds me of our muff.  We ended up just hanging out all night on their couch and catching up, and then they got some pizzas and pasta from the place across the street for dinner and I ate All Of It.  The French don’t fuck around with their food (she says, shoving a shortbread cake coated in Nutella in her mouth between keystrokes.)  Had a bottle of wine and we stayed up until 1 am or so, just so lovely.

I woke up Saturday morning and braved what was admittedly freezing rain to walk to the local bakery Angie suggested.  Since they live right next to the Luxembourg Gardens I also popped in there, as it reminds me of the photo Amy and I took sitting on the fountain mirroring each other, back in January 2011.  I captioned it “The City of Love and Weight Gain” and steel trap Amanda remembered that ever since and recently posted a pic with the same caption, smh, she’s incredible.  Learned on this morning walk that my right black boot had worn through the sole, so my foot got soaked and I felt that “squidge squidge” with each step... so fun.  Went to the bakery and had a panic attack leading up to the order as I rehearsed what I was going to say in my head a million times over.  Eventually spit out “Je voudrais... trois croissants....deux pain au chocolat... et un baguette....s’il vois plait....” and to the girl’s credit, she didn’t immediately transfer to English upon hearing how painfully transparently American I sounded, and gave me the total in French!  I obviously had blacked out and couldn’t hear her, but the total was displayed on the cash register, so I paid and survived.

After lazing around a bit the rest of the morning, we all packed up and went across town to a Scottish bar that was playing the Tottenham game that Adam was interested in.  I love sports so I was happy to go, but man, soccer is dumb.  At one point one guy got a red card for lightly shoving a player after the play, and I almost burst out laughing at how that move disqualified him from that game and the next game, whereas in hockey that’s literally encouraged and we tally how many hits per game a player has.  Our friend Aaron came to join us!!  So good to see him, I think the last time I saw him was December 2016 right after I had moved to Denver and he was passing through town.  I remember specifically because I showed him my apartment, that first one in Uptown next to Kitty, and it was completely empty.  Back when I glamped all day.  He’s near fluent in French now and I find it attractive.  

We all went to an ex-pat bar after that and met up with Adam’s English co-worker and her friend who I found enchanting.  They’re both from Brighton and were just lovely, interesting, funny women.  We talked a little bit about the differences between England vs. the States and they said, “one thing we’ve always wanted to know - why do you have those huge gaps in the doors between your public bathrooms? You can practically see inside!” I said “I honestly have no idea and we all hate it too.  Ask me something else I can answer!!!”  We drank there for a while until Angie took Thea home because she was starting to get a little under the weather and fussy, and Aaron had a weird reaction to his IPA and immediately lost his voice.  Adam went home to Angie, and Angie’s niece who had just come in asked if I wanted to get dinner.  To be honest, I did not want to get dinner.  She is a little odd for a 30-year-old female and I didn’t have any idea what we were going to talk about.  Spoiler: I was correct.  She’s the kind of person who just won’t respond if she isn’t interested in what you have to say.  So we’d be walking along chatting, and I’d say something, and she’d just be silent.  Laaa dee daaa... she also lived in Versailles in college and is also fluent in French, and knew her way around very well, so I unintentionally just felt dumb and patronized.  We stopped at a place she wanted to go to for “authentic French cuisine”, blech, and I just got an omelette.  The menu was all in French and luckily I mostly knew what I was reading, but she didn’t even lightly offer to translate. Ha.  She eventually got more approachable and bubbly when we started talking about dating and her boyfriend and the online dating scene.  After dinner, to her credit, she thanked me for agreeing to dinner with her and humoring me on the choice of restaurant and walking together.  So maybe she’s just one of those people who doesn’t emote well but is kind and appreciative on the inside.  Walked home and went to sleep, again in silence.

Woke up intermittently and kept checking the Phillies’ score in the middle of the night, only to see a very sad ending... sigh.  At least Rhys and Bryce looked hot AF.  Angie and Adam are Nats fans but admittedly love both Rhys and Bryce.  I showed Adam the press conference of Bryce thanking Ned as a part of his signing, and Adam was THOROUGHLY impressed, so that made it all worth it.

Going to stay at this cafe for several hours and try to give Angie and Adam some space, as Angie thinks she and Thea are getting sick and I don’t want to impose more than I already have.  I may walk to the 6th later to visit the Hotel Raphael, Hotel Majestic, and the Peninsula; as ER has places in each of them and it would be amazing to see them firsthand.  Usually people on-site are very kind to me when I just pop in and say I work for ER, because it’s in their best interest to show me good service so I highly recommend them to my members.  Maybe I’ll splurge and have a cocktail or a short massage at the world-famous Peninsula hotel!!  TBD, the day is young.  For now, hopefully I accomplish my freelance work so I’m not a miserable jet-lagged shrew next week.  Wish me luck!! 

[pineapple-crow]

OPENING BOXES FROM THE DARK WEB

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MOTHERFUCKIN HATE?

THOSE FUCKING DUMBASSES WHO BUY THOSE FUCKING MYSTERY BOXES AND THEN TAKE NO PRECAUTION BEYOND "OH HERP DERP LETS PUT ON SOME FUCKING GLOVES!! THAT WILL PROTECT ME FROM EVERYTHING!!"

Dear fucking God

First and foremost, The DEEP web and the DARK web are not the same! The Deep web is basically anything that can't be found by conventional search engines. Usually, super specific data that isn't necessarily illegal. The DARK web, however, requires specific software to gain access to, where everyone and everywhere is kept anonymous, and is usually where the illegal stuff happens. To remember easier, the Dark web is a tiny part of the Deep web; it's the house cat of the feline family, only much deadlier and highly illegal. Here's a more in-depth explanation.

Second.

IF YOURE GOING TO OPEN A STRANGE BOX, YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE YOU DONT FUCKING CONTAMINATE SHIT! Holy fucking hell. Wearing just latex gloves is a good precaution, like making sure your phone or wallet are on dry land before you go leaping over a cliff and plunging into the ocean with literally no other fucking protection.

First and foremost: those boxes and their contents could be rigged with ANYTHING. They could be COATED in ANYTHING. Not even focusing on all the fucking potential evidence you're mucking up, you're seriously, SERIOUSLY risking your well being by just going in with FUCKING LATEX GLOVES.

My recommendation, if you're fucking dumb enough to order AND THEN OPEN a fucking MYSTERY BOX FROM THE DARK WEB, is to ensure you have full body protection. Can't afford the snazzy full body suits that criminal investigators have? Have no fears, I'll help your fucking dumbass self out!

Face mask. Could be the dust filters for construction, or a surgical mask. Or alternatively, a bandana

Safety goggles. You can get these for cheap but, if you absolutely can't, then safety glasses work too

Closed toed shoes. CLOSED TOED SHOES! WITH SOMETHING COVERING THEM THAT YOU CAN EASILY TAKE OFF! Like plastic bags or smth

A bandana or scarf to protect your neck

A t shirt, and then a hoodie. A long sleeve hoodie. And make sure the hoodie zips up. This is for several reason. 1. You can put the hood over your head, making sure none of your hair gets mixed with the evidence, and also protects your head from anything that might go flying out and possibly kill you (in terms of pathogens and whatnot). 2. You have long sleeves that can protect your arms just in case, and 3. It's easy to remove in case you get something on the hoodie, and you don't have to run around with a bare-ass chest.

LONG PANTS! Preferably with long johns underneath! Same reason as the hoodie: it'll protect your legs, and if something gets on them then your dumb ass won't be flashing your fucking buttcheeks to the world.

DOUBLE UP THOSE MF GLOVES. You seriously don't know what could happen.

But you know what the ultimate protection is? DON'T OPEN THE FUCKING BOX TO BEGIN WITH!

Secondly, OPEN THE BOX IN A RELATIVELY STERILE ROOM! JFC If there's pathogens or shit in there then that's gonna get all over your room! And if it's in your fucking house, then it could spread! In fact I would recommend doing it in a closed environment that ISNT your residence, and use a disinfected table + a brand new table cloth. Why a new cloth? Well if any trace evidence falls out, the cloth will catch it and then you don't have to worry about handing Grandma's handed down table cloth to the police so they can rule out contamination BECAUSE YOU FINALLY CAME TO YOUR FUCJING SENSES AND REALISED THAT SHIT IS BETTER LEFT TO THE FUCKING AUTHORITIES!

Meanwhile, if you're handling the stuff in the box? DON'T BE TOSSING THAT SHIT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR GODDAMN! Do you know how much trace evidence a person leaves?? Spit, dead skin, hairs, sweat, fingerprints, oils, blood, etc?? And even if not from a person, regional things like dust, pollen, dirt, soil, maybe plastic particles that only come from a select few factories??? All sorts of shit! AMD YOU JUST TOSSING THAT SHIT AROUNF LIKE ITS A GODDAMN BEANIE BAG IS GONNA RUIN THAT FUCKING SHIT! Which means, when you finally come to your senses and TURN THAT SHIT IN INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT IN THE DUMPSTER, the police will hardly be able to do JACK SHIT because your dumb motherfucking ass has contaminated and destroyed everything!!! EVERYTHING!!!

AND DONT JUST BE REACHING IN ALL HERP DERP EITHER! Latex gloves don't protect against sharp objects I REPEAT: LATEX GLOVES DO NOT PROTECT AGAINST SHARP OBJECTS! Whoever thinks otherwise is a FUCKINHG idiot and nothing you say will change my mind on that. Seriously! If instead of handing the box OVER TO THE AUTHORITIES LIKE YOU SHOULD, you decide to open it like a fucking DUMBASS, don't just reach in!!

You could jab yourself on a hypodermic needle, or a knife, or literally anything else capable of piercing skin, and then ya know what's gonna fuckin happen? 1. You've now contaminated the fucking evidence 2. YOU'RE NOW AT RISK TO CONTRACT A BLOODBORNE PATHOGEN AND/OR FUCKING DIE! Holy fucking God, use a flashlight and a pair of tongs for God's sake. A STERILIZED pair of tongs because again: CONTAMINATION (and also you're probably gonna have to hand those tongs over too since they came into contact with everything, so might as well buy a brand new pair you're not sentimental over).

Also! Since this apparently needs to be said: DO NOT TURN ON ANY ELECTRICAL DEVICES YOU ARE SENT, AND DO NOT PLUG ANY ELECTRICAL OR TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICES OR ITEMS INTO YOUR COMPUTER! I'm looking at you, Fuckwits-who-see-a-thumb-drive-and-think-its-totally-save-to-just-plug-it-in. Seriously! First and foremost, the devices like phones could have tracking software, meaning they could be relaying your location to somewhere the moment they're powered on. Which btw I hope to GOD if you're dumb enough to order one of these, you at least have it sent to a PO box and NOT YOUR REAL FUCKING HOUSE! AND! Phones have cameras! They could be taking your photo and posting it all over the fucking web!! And thumb drives? You plugging that in could end up installing some sort of virus or malware that can seriously jeopardize your safety and/or ruin your life! The dark web isn't called the dark web because everyone who uses it is a philanthropic saint who throws fucking flowers everywhere!

Also! Fuckin evidence! Again! Both phones and thumb drives could have self-destruct programs that erase any sort of evidence if the proper steps are not taken, which means you fiddling around with this shit WILL ONCE AGAIN RUIN EVIDENCE AND HINDER THE POLICE IF A CRIME HAS INDEED OCCURRED! So just fucking turn it in once you get it!!

And for the love of God. If you're finally deciding to turn this shit in, buy brand new rolls of sheets (it is HIGHLY recommended that most if not all evidence is put into some sort of breathable material, preferably paper bags, NOT plastic, or fresh, unused metal paint cans for arson evidence), put everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) back into the box, then triple fuckin wrap that bullshit, then drive it to your police station and tell them EVERYTHING, every FUCKING step from the moment you decided to PURCHASE the box, and hope to God you didn't just help some perpetrator get away with his crime.

But the #1, 100% fail-safe and idiot-proof way to avoid getting hurt from anything inside a mystery box from the dark web is...

DON'T FUCKING ORDER A GODDAMN MYSTERY BOX OFF THE WEB IN THE FIRST PLACE!

[lanx-reads]

DNF Review: Throne of Glass

Final Rating: */***** or 2/10

After serving out a year of hard labor in the salt mines of Endovier for her crimes, 18-year-old assassin Celaena Sardothien is dragged before the Crown Prince. Prince Dorian offers her her freedom on one condition: she must act as his champion in a competition to find a new royal assassin.

Her opponents are men-thieves and assassins and warriors from across the empire, each sponsored by a member of the king's council. If she beats her opponents in a series of eliminations, she'll serve the kingdom for four years and then be granted her freedom. Celaena finds her training sessions with the captain of the guard, Westfall, challenging and exhilarating. But she's bored stiff by court life. Things get a little more interesting when the prince starts to show interest in her ... but it's the gruff Captain Westfall who seems to understand her best.

Then one of the other contestants turns up dead ... quickly followed by another. Can Celaena figure out who the killer is before she becomes a victim? As the young assassin investigates, her search leads her to discover a greater destiny than she could possibly have imagined.

Throne of Glass isn’t the worst book I’ve ever read, but it certainly was one of the most infuriating, which is why I was only able to read about 50% of it.

Since I didn’t finish it, I am only going to review the issues and things I disliked within the first half I read of it. 

I also wanna note that I did read spoilers for the ending to confirm some thoughts I had and will be touching upon those. 

Since this is my first DNF Review, I am gonna discuss why I picked up this book in the first place, the writing style (which is something that, for the most part, doesn’t really change from beginning to end), the premise (rather than the plot since I didn’t finish the book), the things I liked about the book, what I disliked about this book, and finally why I put it down. 

Why I Picked Throne of Glass Up

So. A year or two ago I wanted to get back into reading. Due to a lot of issues and things in my personal life, I completely stopped reading for pleasure during my Sophomore year of high school, which meant I had stopped reading for... about 4 years? Which made me really upset as I had always been an avid reader! And since I was getting really passionate about writing, I figured I should get back into reading.

So I made a post on tumblr asking what YA books people recommended. I had been reading YA when I stopped reading (well... a mix of YA and MG, but mainly YA) so I figured that’d be the best place to start. 

Numerous people recommended me different things, but one anon recced Throne of Glass to me. It was a fantasy (a genre I mentioned liking in my post) and they told me that though they hadn’t read it themselves, they had a friend who adored the series and that it was really popular so it was probably pretty good. 

The. Really popular bit made me nervous, but nevertheless, I went onto Amazon. Bless me, actually, because I decided I’d try and read the little promo Amazon gives you before buying it.

I DNF’d it after half a page. I had never DNF’d a book so fast and so hard. The first time, what made me DNF this book was Celaena complaining about her looks while being in a prison. Like... girl...... priorities.... 

Months later, I started seeing people talking about this book a little as I got back into reading. Getting curious, I read some reviews, both bad and good, and decided to give this book another shot.

It was as bad as I thought it would be, if not worse. 

The Premise (What was this?)

Honestly, I still don’t really know what I read. What even is Throne of Glass? What is life, in fact? What is the universe? I don’t know, but I feel like I’d figure out the latter two questions before I figured out the first. 

So. The premise, or basic story idea of ToG is basically... Cinderella... mixed with Assassin’s Creed... mixed with the Hunger Games.... I dunno about anyone else but when people describe a piece of media to me as a mix of two or more random-ass things, I start getting nervous.

But honestly I have no idea how else to describe Throne of Glass. I couldn’t tell what this book wanted to be! And that was really what fucked me up. It wanted to be a big epic fantasy. It wanted to be a mystery. It wanted to be about girls in pretty dresses kissing pretty boys and having to choose between them. It wanted a princess aesthetic but with a character that has to be nasty to be an assassin. ToG, to me, is a long book of wants that didn’t deliver. 

But said that, nothing was as poorly thought out as the plot. The plot is what confused me most, ground me to a halt, and said, “wait, what?”

Okay, the plot is basically Celaena joining this competition to win her freedom to become the king’s champion. Only issue is... a king’s champion is a real thing. And is something for mainly knights if I recall.

Back in the olden days of yore, when kings needed to fight against one another, or if someone wanted to challenge the king to a duel, they would have a champion to fight in their stead. If you’re a king, you don’t wanna fight your own duels, that’d be nuts! What if you died?! Then what would happen to your kingdom? That’s what a champion was for. 

The champion is basically chosen/hired by the king. The thing is, what Celaena is... describing is well. Not a champion. Not really. I mean... I guess it’s kinda champion-like? It’s really vague in the book and it boils down to “you do dirty work for the king” so basically a hitman?

Thing is... the king is a king... why doesn’t he just hire an assassin? One who hasn’t been caught (looking at you, Celaena!). I mean, in the long run, that would be a lot cheaper than hosting a giant competition with a bunch of criminals who aren’t loyal to you, who will turn on you at any moment, and can’t be trusted? I mean, just ‘cause he has them swear to be loyal to him don’t mean jack shit, c’mon. 

The entire plot of this novel falls directly apart as soon as you know what a king’s champion is! And honestly, the fix to this would be so easy. You could still have the competition, but instead make it between knights or wannabe knights or something. Have Celaena be a knight instead. She acts like it anyways; being all brash all the time and desiring the center of attention 24/7. Or if you really want her to be an assassin, fix her fugly personality and have her be an assassin pretending to be a knight.

And the king being “”crazy”” isn’t an excuse. Using crazy as an excuse is... one kinda insulting and gross and two, lazy. It means nothing and is a cop out at this point. Also, he did nothing in this book to seem crazy to me, really. He’s an asshole and abuses his kid but... besides that he’s basically nothing. He’s an evil king. He doesn’t even have an actual name. That’s how bland he is. There was no thought put into him at all. And again, this too could have had an easy fix. Rather than saying he’s crazy to excuse his nonsensical actions, all that had to be said was: he and his court want entertainment. That’s it. That would have given the competition the perfect excuse to exist in the first place. Sure, it’s not the most interesting of reasons or anything, but it’s better than the book being completely silent of why there’s a competition in the first place. Why does a king need a competition? Why between criminals who will stab him in the back? It’s never explained and it’s dumb. 

God. There are SO many ways where ToG could’ve been better. Just. Better in general. There is so much lost potential here with the plot, which is where half my frustrations come from. 

So. The premise falls apart after thinking about it for over .2 seconds. The second part of the actual plot of the novel (well, at least what’s described on the back of the book, not what I actually got) is a mystery. But... this mystery is really cliche. Someone taking out the competition. Wow. Never seen that before. 

Also, I did spoil myself the ending to see if my guess of who it was was correct and welp. Winner winner, chicken dinner! It was indeed Cain. As soon as he swaggered on stage, and the narration hated him, and Celaena hated AND was a lil racist towards him, I knew it was him. His detailed magic ring and the fact he kept getting bigger apparently every time we saw him also clued us in. There was less foreshadowing in this book and more “beating you over the head with a Cain.”

Also, none of the other members of the competition really got... anything? Most were unnamed or Celaena dismissed them right away. Why even have these characters in the book if they aren’t even gonna be named? I get it’s a big cast, but still. Hunger Games was able to do the bare minimum of this, I mean at least all the tributes had names. Big casts are hard to write, so why not shrink it down a little? It won’t affect the story, in any case. 

So instead of a cool mystery and badass competition, the premise of the competition fell apart, was mainly summarized and not seen from what I read, and in general the tasks were boring. No real fighting, nothing with a lot of tension or excitement. Just boredom. The mystery wasn’t even lukewarm. It was ice cold. I don’t even really know what the pages were filled up with... random bantering that told us nothing more about the characters than we already did. Celaena not knowing what guy to choose. Her wearing pretty dresses. Her reading and playing the piano. Her shittalking about girls with this other chick. Just. the most random stuff. It was fluff. Which is fine. I like fluff! I like pretty dresses and romance and all that!! But not in a book that promised me a MURDER MYSTERY and ACTION. 

Maybe the action would’ve picked up if I kept reading. But something tells me... not so much. If excitement doesn’t happen before the rough halfway point of your book, something is wrong. At least, to me it is. 

The Writing

A lot of people thought the writing was pretty it seemed. Numerous negative reviews praised the writing. I admit, there were some pretty quotes in there. But most of it was clunky and reminded me of Eragon (not good) or just. Laundry list. I can’t pull up the quote right now, I don’t have the book, but I remember when the library was shown to us, the narration just listed everything inside in a sentence with commas. The same was done in the king’s chamber besides a little extra detail on the fireplace. None of the descriptions of the settings were any good.... and neither were the pretty dresses! It was just “this dress is cut bad” “the fabric is ugly and feels bad” and such. What was the fabric made out of? What cut was the dress? There were so many little things like this that bothered me throughout the writing. 

Lots of filler paragraphs that led to nothing were everywhere too. Sentences that danced around world building were common too. Again, don’t have the book, but at one point Chaol and Celaena were discussing books they liked and instead of name dropping some titles, giving us an idea of what sort of books these two like to read, it was just “Chaol listed some titles to Celaena. Celaena nodded approvingly” or something like that. Lazy. Boring. Pointless. Filler. 

There was so much filler writing in this. And so much... passive writing. Especially when Celaena was traveling to the castle and beyond. “Celaena felt” was used so often that I nearly started counting how many sentences began with that. Sometimes, yes, telling is alright. But SHOW us how she feels! Don’t tell us she finds the castle breathtaking but daunting or whatever! Show us! What’s her expression look like? Her body language? What is she thinking?  The moment she saw the castle was supposed to be powerful and tense but it wasn’t because the writing was passive when it shouldn’t have been. Passive writing isn’t the worst thing ever, but where the writing would’ve benefited from being active, it was passive instead, which also made the book a kinda bland read on a technical level. The writing stayed the same throughout. Sentence length wasn’t played around with much, sentence type didn’t change much. The only stand-out pieces were mainly dialogue.  

I like active writing. I like an active writing style. Throne of Glass was passive. And you know what? I get it. I write in third person too. It’s hard.

But writing is hard. Publishing is even harder. This is a published book and I expected better, especially with how popular it is. 

And yes, this is a debut novel. I kept telling myself that when I was reading this. But... I’ve read better debuts. I’ve read better fanfictions online. This is a New York Times best seller and a favorite of many. It should’ve been better.

The (little) Things I Liked

Gonna bullet point all this, hope none of you guys mind~

Celaena being feminine and proud of it. Haven’t really read a character like this yet and as someone who is writing several proud feminine characters, it was nice to see

Chaol. Just him in general. Best character and I loved him. 

SOME of the banter was pretty fun.

That one scene with Celaena working out in her room was A Good TM

Some of the one-liner descriptions were pretty good and I enjoyed them. 

I actually liked some of the traveling bits in the beginning. I thought it would skip straight to the castle but we got to savor a little in the journey there. It was nice (tho it went on too long and got annoying and boring to read)

The (many) Things I Disliked

A longer bullet point list, hope you all are ready! I’ll try and go in a somewhat chronological order

The plot made no fucking sense

Dorian. The only Dorian in my heart is Dorian Pavus and also he was so one-note that I almost cried. 

The world building? The little world building that was like. Actually present was so bland... it read like Typical Fantasy. Listen. If I wanted Typical Fantasy I’d go play one of the many re-releases of Skyrim, okay?? 

Celaena was just unlikeable and her entire character was contradictory. She acted more like a mercenary for hire or a thug than an assassin. Assassins wouldn’t wanna be in the center of attention, people!

Also Celaena acted really dumb in parts and it made me cringe. 

Chaol as the captain of the guard made no sense. He’s too young!

In fact, Celaena as the best assassin made no sense. She is also too young. Also, if she got captured and is KNOWN, she is hardly the best. The point of being an assassin is...... being unknown... c’mon..... 

The tests. The back of the book made them sound really cool but they were just? Running around a track? Some softcore parkour? The archery contest actually made sense I guess but it would’ve been cooler if they were hitting like. Actual moving targets rather than just. Bulls-eyes. 

Also most the tests were just kinda brushed over? At least The Hunger Games was....  well most the book took place DURING the Hunger Games so like. 

The king had no fucking name what the shit who doesn’t name their fucking VILLAIN?!

Cain. Like. He was so stereotypical. I looked up to see if he would end up as the villain at the end and I was right, how disappointing. Also, naming your villain Cain is like.... idk... literally is there a single protagonist named Cain? Genuine question 

The girl hate. Like, I get that girls are people and not all girls are gonna get along or anything but like. There were throwaway lines that just made me roll my eyes and scrunch up my nose.

THE FUCKING GLASS CASTLE MADE ME SO MAD OH MY GOD WHY WAS IT THERE. And if the castle looks the exact same on the inside in the glass part as the stone part, what’s the point then? How is this nation, which is at war, have a glass castle? That thing is gonna shatter. How did they make it? Why did the king make it? The most we get is the implication is that he’s crazy but that’s.... gross for one and two, lazy. You know what would’ve been cool tho? If the king was just a zealot who worshipped his human gods to the point where he wanted them to always see his victories and be able to see him wherever he went, so he created the glass portions of the castle so he could be seen by his gods the entire time. I thought of that idea in the span of 10 seconds. Sigh. 

AND I AM STILL ON THE GLASS CASTLE SHIT listen. If this was a whimsical fantasy and everyone went with it, I wouldn’t have SUCH a huge problem with it, tho it would still be kinda dumb (mattering on context...) but legit. Having your characters point it out doesn’t make them look smart, it makes the author look silly. “It’s a dumb idea, I know it’s a dumb idea, but I am going to write it anyways. For The Aesthetic” listen. We’re past the age of aestheticism. Let’s get our heads outta the 1800s, k?

Honestly there were descriptions but I couldn’t ever get a good image on what was going on, which is weird. All the descriptions were for like. More finer details? But the overall look of the entire world was just blank in my mind. I dunno how else to explain it.

So. Much. Filler. Celaena! Get outta your room and let us explore some! I can sit alone in my room myself irl, I don’t wanna read some chick do the same!

Same with the book shit. Like we could’ve gotten some amazing world building just based on the books Celaena read but whatever that was brushed over too??

Honestly a lot of reading ToG was like reading a textbook where words go through my eyes and their meaning seeps from my ears and I find myself 20 pages in but no idea how I got there and don’t remember a single word of what I read. 

The writing style for the fighting. When you write fight scenes or tense scenes, you want your writing to become choppier usually and sharp. It changes the mood and tone of the scene. The author just used the same flowing prose she had for the rest of the book, which was kinda dull. 

I wish we had seen the murders. I mean, the book is in third person and does switch POV at times! I wanna read some good blood, guts, n gore!

L O V E  T R I A N G L E  O F  H E L L 

I thought Celaena was supposed to be sickly?? But like after a few chapters in the book that’s like, forgotten, besides her throwing up after running? Why only after running? Why doesn’t she worry about this or her health much? Seriously her physiology makes no sense. 

Celaena’s mental health is also questionable. She’s completely fine after being tortured for a year and in a death camp and only has bad nightmares every once in a while?? That ain’t how PTSD works. Seriously what was going on in her head? What was the author trying to portray? You don’t do this shit half-assed. Either throw yourself into the research or go the Harry Potter route. 

There is one character who is fat and he is ofc, a terrible person (I am talking about Dorian’s younger brother, ofc. Sigh. And yikes)

Celaena sometimes talked and acted like she was younger than what she actually was?? I think being childish was supposed to be part of her personality but it doesn’t mesh with her being an assassin. Unless she was doing it on purpose as an act. But she obv wasn’t so......

Yulemas. Honestly, I put the book down around when it was mentioned. It’s a dumb name and I can imagine what sort of celebration it is. 

The timing and pacing of this book is weird. The king needs to learn what an itinerary is. I think it’d help him out. 

 Why I Put Throne of Glass Down

Mainly for two reasons: one I had just bought some books at the library and wanted to read those instead. I just wanted to read a good book again. The second reason is just as simple: I was incredibly bored. 

There was just so much filler for me. Characters talking about random stuff, walking around, trying to figure out a mystery I figured out as soon as the first murder actually happened. It was all so boring to me. 

And then... Celaena started suspecting Nehemia. Her only friend in the castle.

I dunno why that did it in for me. I think it’s because I didn’t wanna sit through at the very least 50 pages of one of the poorest red herrings I have ever stumbled across. I can (somewhat) deal with a book that promised me action and gave me bad romance with pretty girls and boys. I’ll complain a lot, give it a bad rating most likely, but I can finish books like those. What I can’t deal with is a clear waste of my fucking time. At that point, I was already 99.99% sure Cain was the bad guy. I was already tired of Celaena in general since she is such an unpleasant character for me to read. I did not wanna sit through a plot point that just insulted my intelligence and made the book all the more longer than it has to be. I have no idea how someone can make a book this bland and boring so long. I honestly cannot understand how I got pretty much 50% of the way in, and feel like I have moved nowhere when it comes to the characters and the plot. I don’t know how I could be pretty much halfway through this book and feel like not a SINGLE action scene has happened. (Yes, I know there have been actions scenes, but I didn’t like them or the way they were written. They weren’t exciting for me.)

All this realization just kinda came crashing down on me with Celaena suspecting Nehemia. And I was quite done with all of it.

Maybe the book would’ve picked up. Maybe the entire premise, story, characters, and writing style could’ve changed in a single page flip. But I seriously doubt that. 

I’m tired of wasting my time with books I am not enjoying. If I’m gonna read a bad book, I at the very least want it to be entertaining.

And Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas wasn’t even that. 

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 304

I really liked this episode. Please keep scrolling if you’re expecting rage, because for the first time this season, I don’t really have any. Are there some things I wish they tweaked in the episode? Of course. But overall, I really enjoyed it.

At this point in the season I’m beyond just liking Jamie’s side more than Claire’s. I’m like angry-adjacent with how they chose to handle Claire’s story up until now. She deserved better than what they gave her. And this episode kind of made me even saltier that we spent three episodes on nothing but Frank and his bullshit. Because as of now, Claire’s choice next week to go back through the stones seems like a super easy one for her. Because we spent no time building a connection with Joe or with her work or even with Bree. We get to see all the different parts of Jamie’s life apart, but not Claire’s. And I get that Jamie’s are all from the book and are more episodic and shit, but whatever. I’m apparently in the minority for wanting to see more of the other aspects of Claire’s life. There’s more to her side of the separation than what they’ve chosen to show us. Like where is her managing to incorporate some of her herbal knowledge into treating her modern patients? Where is the contrast in the friendships she has with Joe and with Geillis? Where is literally *anything* about her and her journey as a person outside of the shitty marriage that stopped being relevant in the first season? I know that we *know* she loves Bree and her brief interactions with Joe have been lovely, but still. Blergh. But what’s aired has aired so...moving on. Basically ep. 305 really needs to bring it. No pressure or anything, episode...

Anywho, the show managed to fix most of what I hoped they’d fix from the book, and I’m always here to get punched in the ovaries by Da!Jamie. My ramblings are under the cut. If you hated the episode, that’s 1000% your right, but I’d recommend not reading any further.

Scotland

So now we’re back to where we left off in ep. 213. Neat. I’m probs going to skip Claire’s stuff before this episode on rewatches. But really I need to lower my expectations for next week and accept that the show is dumb decided to basically ignore Claire’s story as an individual in favor of bashing us over the head with #manpain. Because screw the protagonist’s journey as her own person, it’s all about the #manpain and misogyny up until now.

Anywho, back to Charlie’s board...

I was hoping maybe that Sophie’s acting would get better between last season and this season, but it really hasn’t? It’s like I’m watching all of the characters but then instead of watching Bree I’m watching Sophie trying to be Bree? Maybe she’ll get better for next season? It’s distracting? Casting had done such a great job with literally everyone else? Anywho. This is a one and done comment because I feel like of all the things I rant about, this one will make me sound like the biggest bitch because she’s like a baby. But it really takes me out of the moment...

Oh hey! There were tales of the Dunbonnet! Wilson, you’re famous! Many a song was sung about a man with a close affinity for his useless hat. #RIPWilson

I love Fiona. I love Fiona with my whole damn heart. Fiona is adorable. And I like that she’s in on everything from the start.

Fiona and Mary MacNab should start a Highlands Cinnamon Roll Squad.

“And it’s never too early for a whisky.” Bless you, Roger. Bless. I really do like show!Roger. Seriously, the show really is awesome at making me like secondary characters that I either don’t like, don’t care about or am solidly meh on in the books. Good job, show.

Ok but the amount of shit going on in the shot of Claire once Bree and Roger go off to start day drinking. *throws awards at Balfe* Like she hasn’t been allowed to feel things for two decades because Frank is a (finally dead) flaming turd and now it’s like hope and fear and excitement and nervousness all in one and IT’S GONNA BE OK, CLAIRE! JUST YOU WAIT, JUST YOU WAIT!

“She just likes being helpful.” Oh Roger, you oblivious turtleneck aficionado. You are adorable. #TeamFiona

Ok but him stuttering along about not having a girlfriend is my everything. I love you, you awkward goober.

Oh hey! It’s Joe on the phone! Remember Joe? He’s Claire’s friend! He has a nickname for her! She knows his lunch order! We know all that from the very brief time we’ve seen him. But you know what would have been fun? Watching them become friends. Watching Claire being able to be herself with someone more than she was able to do with Fred. Giving Claire something and someone for herself. I’m apparently actually quite bitter about how you’ve treated Claire so far, show. Moving on...

Ok so the pearls. Fiona is such a sweetheart when she gives them back to Claire. I really like Fiona. But. I really am having a hard time believing that Claire would have let go of the pearls. They were Jamie’s wedding gift to her. They were his mother’s. They’re a physical thing she has from him, like her ring. Like Bree. So why does she give them away? Like are they trying to make it seem like she couldn’t stand to have a reminder of Jamie with her? Because that doesn’t work since she never takes her ring off and also Bree exists. Did she think Frank would take them or destroy them? Because he burned her clothes, but he never took her ring so I don’t get that reasoning either... I really do not get why they had her give something so precious away. Like did they just forget that they were supposed to be around and they need to have Claire give them to Bree next week? Because why couldn’t they have just made Claire have had them the whole time and explain to Bree that she kept them hidden because they were hers from Jamie and she didn’t want to share them with anyone but now she wants Bree to have them? Also, is Brian’s ring going to make a reappearance? Because otherwise what was even the point of that if not to introduce the gemstone thing?

“Hey! Good news! I have some exposition that I need to say in a manner that just sounds like I’m an actor reciting exposition!” I swear I’m done. It’s just so distracting.

Ok but Bree talking about Claire’s wall coming down would maybe have a bit more weight if we actually saw Claire having a wall up with Bree as she was growing up rather than just what Frank said and Bree said? Also, has it really not clicked for Bree that if Claire leaves, it’s forever?

Roger has chemistry with Bree but Bree like doesn’t have chemistry with Roger? Roger’s going to carry everything with the two of them, isn’t he...

It seems weird that the library or whatever wouldn’t have records for a whole century? Like I get that the show doesn’t want them to find Jamie this episode, but it was odd to me that like that many records were missing? Idk. I’m not a librarian or historian so I’ll just go with it.

I am so here for Claire “smash the patriarchy” Beauchamp sitting wherever the fuck she wants in a bar. I’m sick of all the over the top misogyny in this show this season and apparently so is she, haha. Like I get that “it’s the times,” but sheesh. It’s fucking overkill.

Ok but $20 says Roger shows up in Boston next episode having found Jamie because Jamie printed something about Freedom & Whisky and Roger remembers Claire saying she quoted that to Jamie. And also because it’s in the book and that’s literally the name of next week’s episode so I feel like it’s a safe bet, lol.

Ok the cheers is like the most awkward cheers to ever cheers. It’s like these three have never cheers’ed before and have no clue how you’re supposed to do it.

But Claire looking up before she drinks, like at Jamie or whatever, kills me. And her little nod after, before she says “it’s time to go home.” Like she’s made her decision and is convincing herself it’s the right one. Dagger to the heart.

The first time I watched the episode, I hated that she gave up that quickly. It really bothered me. But then I watched it again after reading this post from @abreathofsnowandashes and now I am fully on board with this choice. Like she’s spent 20 years holding herself together by sheer force of will. She was never allowed to feel the full weight of her loss. Fuck you, Frank. So to feel it all now, after so long, might be what completely breaks her. Like she’s broken now and basically being held together with scotch tape, but I think in this moment when she decides to go home she knows that the tape is starting to come loose and if they keep digging and don’t find Jamie then there will be no putting her back together. And she still has her work and Bree, and while they’re not what she had with Jamie, I can see why in this moment of defeat she might be able to *mostly* convince herself that what she has now is enough. I just want to give her a hug.

JUST WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK THOUGH, BABE! IT’LL ALL WORK OUT, I PROMISE!

Her face on the plane though. Goddammit I’m crying.

Helwater

Love the title card. I get that last week’s was trying to be cute because the dog’s going to be in one of the pictures that Claire brings back to show Jamie, but like I really prefer the ones that are relevant to the actual episode they’re introducing.

I’ve apparently been pronouncing Dunsany wrong all this time.

Oh hey, the fam’s getting out of this like clown car of a carriage. I wonder which sister is nice and friendly and which one is kind of a bitch?

I ship Jamie and a comb. Like seriously, there are a few times in this episode where his hair looks awesome, but the rest is just like dude. It looks like something died on your head.

“So you’re the Scottish prisoner.” “Yep. There’s a whole book about it.”

Part of me is like uh, it seems a tad too personal that Jamie would share something like losing his children with Lord Dunsany (like just in terms of an employee/employer or prisoner/jailer dynamic), but at the same time punch me in the face with feels at Jamie saying “I’ve lost two children myself.” He’s finally in a place where he can talk about his losses without completely losing it. And it’s nice to see him still holding on to those memories of his family while no longer being crippled by the thoughts. But it’s going to be three lost children soon and I’m not ready.

Ok yeah they’re establishing Geneva as kind of a bitch and stuff, but also she’s hot af and brb, having thoughts. I’m a shallow, shallow person sometimes.

Seriously though, she was really good in Mercy Street. Which was a little PBS Civil War show with the guy from HIMYM and the girl from the most recent season of Fargo. You should check it out.

I do love show!Isobel though. Like again, well done, show, with expanding her into an actual character like they did with Mary in ep. 302.

Uh, Jamie? I know you think you’re doing the right thing and mean well and stuff but is it maybe over a line for a groom to be telling the lady why she shouldn’t have a crush on a dude? Even if the reason you’re giving isn’t the one you’re actually thinking of because you’re not a terrible person and would never out the guy?

Ok. Geneva’s an entitled brat, but even entitled brats don’t deserve to be married off to old people and talked about like they’re not standing right fucking there. Fuck the patriarchy. In any century.

Jamie, again dude. Combs. They exist. Hell, you have horse brushes in the stables. Do something about this hair situation.

Ah, lady whose entire wardrobe is apparently blue and white has an idea! I don’t blame her in the slightest for this idea. I have thoughts on the execution of this idea. But those will come later...

“What do you find attractive?” “I don’t think of such things, my lady.” “Liar.” Ok but he *doesn’t* really think of women that way anymore because Claire is his one and only so when she says “liar” and he like stops his horse and looks at her with that face it kills me a little. Because she doesn’t know it, but to him it’s like she’s telling him that he does think of women other than Claire and he’s like ready to throw down over that because GODDAMMIT CLAIRE IS HIS EVERYTHING AND IT’S GONNA BE OK BUDDY, I PROMISE!!!

For real though. Look how he completely changes how he is with her just from that one word. From the begrudgingly accommodating groom to just straight up hostility.

I am so here for him dropping her in the mud. Like obvi not the wisest decision, but I do dumb, rash things all the time so I’m here for it.

HAL! Hi, Hal. Let’s get subtexty!

I like Hal. Hal’s an honorable dude. But it really does make me feel for Lord John that Hal clearly is embarrassed and disgusted by who Lord John is. I can relate, John.

It’s always good to proposition someone while they’re literally knee deep in shit. But then again, I was asked to prom while I was dumping out chemical waste from the CVS photo lab so apparently timing just isn’t some people’s strong suit.

Uh, Geneva? You really want to be like having this convo when there are a fuckton of people wandering around right behind you? But I guess they’re all like servants or something so maybe you don’t give a fuck? Still maybe not the best choice?

“I am damned if my maidenhead will be given to a depraved old goat like Ellesmere.” Ok I wish they had lightened up on the blackmail and just had this, the real reason, be the only-ish reason. Like I get that Jamie doesn’t take sex lightly so yeah if I’m being honest, some blackmail was probably necessary. But like they could have left it with the threat of incarceration again and left Lallybroch out of it. Because after seeing Jamie’s reactions to the irons last week, I’d believe he’d be willing to fuck this girl just so he didn’t have to go back to that.

For real though. This is the third time the show has done the “coerced into sex to save people the character loves” thing. And I get that it’s in the books all those times, but the books repeat shit ad nauseam because Diana is a lazy writer. It’s ok to switch things up, show.

I’m convinced that Helwater would be the easiest place to rob ever. Between Jamie getting in and Willie getting out at the end, it’s like does no one lock any doors?

I really do like how the actual scene plays though. Yes, she got him there by totally fucked up means, but once he’s there, he’s the one in charge and setting the rules.

Like bless them for the almost absurd amount of consent checks. Blesssss. Like all I wanted was for them to not make Jamie a rapist like he is in the book and they go and have him ask if he can touch her and then give her an out if she wants, making her reaffirm that yes she’s on board with this. And then she later asks him if she can touch his dick and waits for him to say yes. Like for a scene brought about by coerced consent (which *is not* actual consent) and blackmail, this is literally more than I hoped we would get in terms of “fixing” the actual goings on.

“I’m doing this for myself. I want my first time to be with someone like you.” Ok obviously I’m still not ok with blackmailing someone into sex, but I really do think that this line changes things a bit for Jamie. Like yeah, Geneva’s an entitled bitch. But she’s also being treated like property and scared of her future with the husband her parents are basically selling her to. To be perfectly clear, this *does not* excuse how she got Jamie to come to her room. Not at all. Nothing excuses that, it’s always going to be wrong. But to have her say that, to have her admit that she doesn’t know what she’s doing but she knows that she doesn’t want her first time to be with an old stranger, I think that strikes a chord with Jamie. Because not only does he know what it’s like to be raped, what it’s like to have your body violated by someone you don’t want touching you (which is basically Geneva’s whole future with Ellesmere)(yes she dies before he fucks her but neither of them know that at the time), he also knows what it’s like to have someone make your first time as comfortable as possible. I think he can understand a little bit why she is taking this for herself by any means necessary, even if her methods are reprehensible.

TL;DR: Blackmailing someone for sex is *never* ok. This scene had to happen because they’re doing the Willie plot. This is probably the best we could have hoped for from this production team.

“Will you show me how it’s done?” She got him here by blackmail, but he took back some of the power when he said she couldn’t call him Jamie and now she’s giving him the rest back. It’s still wicked fucked up, but in the room it’s less fucked up than how they got to the room? I have weird feelings but I’m so fucking tired of being ragey. Like I’m just going to cling to them giving Jamie some agency in the scene, I guess...

Forgive me a shallow moment, but Geneva has great boobs.

Although is the boob suck ‘n’ lick Jamie’s like signature move? Because he def did that in eps 109 and 204 too. And I don’t feel pervy about remembering secksi time details because I remember random shit from non-secksi times too.

I think Jon Snow might have a better bum. Sorry, Jamie.

Ok but the montage of the actual sex should have been like at least two clips shorter. Like we get it. They’re banging. And it’s just sex. There is a stark difference between this sex and when Jamie is with Claire. Just like there was a huge difference when Claire was with Frank. Point made. Move on. FFS. It was gratuitous af by the end and we all know how you *hate* having gratuitous sex, show. *rolls eyes*

For real though, show fucking *all the Claire and Jamie secksi times* please, because those actually have emotional meaning and resonance behind them. When people say they want more sex, that’s what they’re actually talking about, show.

I’m constantly trying to block the vast majority of season two from my memory so I won’t rant about how we never got to see Claire and Jamie conceive either of their kids because “they’re married so we don’t need to see them have sex” and “they’re not the royals” but we see all of this. Because this mostly works for me and it’s not worth getting worked up over a garbage season.

Ok but when they’re done and he makes it clear that what they just did isn’t love is great. Like he’s clear (both for himself and for the audience) that sleeping with her is in no way like what he had with Claire. Or taking away from what he had with Claire. It’s just sex. And he gives her back her nightgown and his side of the deal is done and there’s no round two or three or however many there were in the book and I’m honestly pleasantly surprised with how the show handled it. My expectations were *very* low, but they honestly did a good job with it.

I feel like they would have sent a servant to get Jamie from the stable but cool that Isobel gets to be the exposition monkey here just to give her something to do?

My first thought at the shot of Ellesmere’s estate was just that I really want to rollerblade through those hallways.

Oh Jamie’s face when he finds out he has a son. Who is healthy. Who he can’t claim. *has many, many feelings*

I *love* that Isobel knows everything. Slash I love that Geneva and Isobel had the kind of relationship where they shared stuff like this. She still fucking blackmailed a dude into sex, which is never ok, but at least she’s not a one dimensional bitch? Like the blackmail was a desperate move rather than strictly malicious? Cool motive, still fucked up. Le sigh.

I’m also glad they cut the Michael Jackson holding a baby out the window thing from the book and just have Ellesmere threatening the baby in the hall. (Is there a “right” way to threaten a baby? Because now I feel weird for writing that...)

OMG JAMIE HOLDING HIS SON. LOOK AT HIM. I HAVE FEELINGS.

Lady Isobel can join Mary and Fiona’s Cinnamon Roll Squad.

JAMIE TALKING TO HIS BABY OMG WHY IS MY FACE WET.

Also why does “you’re so wee” make me giggle? Like it’s so sweet but it sounds silly and makes me laugh.

Death by misadventure sounds so exciting. Like I get here they’re implying suicide, but omg it sounds like it should be something epic.

OK BUT I AM SO HERE FOR JAMIE HAVING A CHOICE IN HIS FUTURE FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE CULLODEN! LIKE LOOK AT HIS FACE WHEN HE REALIZES THAT HIS LIFE IS HIS OWN AGAIN!

Also, way to not be subtle with why you’re staying, Jamie. Stare at the baby a little longer why don’t you.

Give me all the Da!Jamie goodness! I am so here for Jamie getting to be with his son and having a small part in raising him. Love isn’t a zero sum thing. Loving Willie and getting to be part of his life doesn’t mean he loves Faith or Bree any less. I will never begrudge Jamie the happiness that comes from getting to be with his son.

Although that kid looks *literally nothing* like Jamie. Like the more the show tries to make it a thing that they look alike and therefore Jamie needs to leave the more I giggle. Because omfg there is nothing about that kid that looks like Jamie.

But Jamie’s face in the shot with the reflection in the carriage as Willie’s cleaning it is heartbreaking. Because he knows he has to leave and now the number of lost children is about to go up by one and why am I feeling all the feelings.

Oh Jamie’s face when Willie yells at him for calling him a bastard. You’re making the right choice in leaving, Jamie. It’s not fair and it’ll hurt like a motherfucker, but it’s the right choice.

I’d like to think that Lord John works out Willie’s parentage himself rather than Lady Isobel telling him.

I’m still not totally a fan of Jamie offering himself to Lord John in exchange for Lord John looking after Willie, especially since we just had sex as a bargaining chip earlier in the episode. (And yes, I know the offer was a test for John more than an actual offer, but Jamie should know John’s character by now, so I could still do without it. [x,x,x from ABOSAA]) But it works better in the show than it does in the book and I’m really, really loving David Berry. Like I am still liking show!John much better than book!John.

The double handshake works so much better than the kiss. A+ adaptive choice, show. I’m totally on board with show!Lord John still having a thing for Jamie, but like as long as they don’t make that his defining trait like it is in the books.

OK BUT THIS WHOLE STINKING PAPIST SCENE. WHY IS MY FACE WET.

LOOK AT JAMIE TELLING HIS SON ABOUT THEIR FAMILY. ABOUT WILLIE. ABOUT JENNY. ABOUT MURTAGH. ABOUT CLAIRE. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS, GUYS.

“I REMEMBER HER. ALWAYS.” SHE REMEMBERS YOU TOO, JAMIE! JUST YOU WAIT, JUST YOU WAIT!

“Or...she will find you.” Oh, Jamie. *has feelings*

I fucking LOVE that they swapped the rosary for a new Sawny! Fucking. Love. It. Goddammit, show, well fucking done with the adaptive choices this episode.

THIS GODDAMN SONG. WHY IS THERE A RIVER ON MY FACE. I AM NOT OK. *aggressively listens to Dylan for the rest of the day*

Jamie with his hand on Willie’s head. I’m dying.

Isobel telling Jamie they’ll take care of his son. I’m ded.

The look between John and Jamie. I’m dedder.

OMG AND HE DOESN’T LOOK BACK BECAUSE HE CAN’T OR HE’LL COMPLETELY LOSE IT AND LOOK AT ALL THE PAIN IN HIS FACE. WHY DO YOU KILL ME LIKE THIS SHOW? PLEASE KILL ME LIKE THIS AGAIN!

[skold]

alright so since a bunch of you liked that post, here’s my horror movie recommendations in bullet point form. as mentioned previously i tend to be into the slasher/torture subgenre and i don’t care much for paranormal films.

the saw series - basically, dude with cancer puts people in fucked up traps in order to face death and survive with a new appreciation for life. then shit gets weird. i make this number one bc it is my favorite film series Of All Time. it’s my favorite media franchise Of All Time, really. no book/tv/film series is ever gonna top this for me. 

american mary - female-directed and led. visually stunning film about a med student who gets into providing underground body modification. big warning for a graphic rape scene, but it’s very easy to see coming and skippable. if you like a good revenge plot you’ll love the one in this film.

the hostel series - some backpackers stay in a hostel and end up being kidnapped and sold off to rich sadists who torture them for kicks. i’m not saying these are great films but goddammit they’re a good time. if you can find the third one, it’s actually quite good. there’s like 17 different plot twists it’s wild. they’re a good watch y’know? and i like the whole plot concept.

repo! the genetic opera - rock opera set in a future in which a worldwide epidemic of organ failure happens a bio-tech company offers transplants. only if you don’t keep up on your payments said organ can be repossessed. paris hilton plays herself more or less. nivek ogre is in it. so’s bill moseley. they all play siblings. if that alone doesn’t convince you to watch this film i don’t know what will. yes, it is a musical. just. fucking watch it.

the poughkeepsie tapes - found footage “documentary” about a serial killer who filmed his murders and kept one victim captive for years. i don’t wanna give too much away on this one. if you let yourself get swept up in it it’s horrifically unsettling.

house of 1000 corpses & the devil’s rejects - putting these two together since they’re a series. hillbilly serial killer family in the 70s. also there’s a guy named dr. satan. the first film is a mess but the second is pretty much exactly what you want from a hillbilly serial killer movie set in the 70s.

se7en - serial killer keeps killing people whom he deems guilty of the seven deadly sins in ways which correspond to the sin they are guilty of. the ending is fucked up you guys.

tusk - a man turns another man into a walrus. it’s kevin smith so don’t take it too seriously. heavy on the body horror, light on seriousness, but still genuinely horrific at times. you’ll have to actively suspend your disbelief at times, and i would not say this is a good film, but i enjoyed it, so fuck it here it is.

dead snow - nazi zombies. that’s all i can really say.

the final destination series - not all great films but they’re all great watches. basically, in every film, one person has a premonition of a horrific disaster, prevents it, and then everyone who died in said premonition dies in freak accidents. they try to stop it. death prevails.

would you rather - a young girl, desperate to help her sick brother, ends up in a fucked up game to earn money for his treatment. i went into this thinking it’d be dumb but holy shit it’s actually so great. i figured out the twist ending about 30 seconds before they revealed it and i had to pause the film for like five minutes to regain my composure. warning for an attempted rape scene but it’s not graphic.

you’re next - a good ol fashioned home invasion film, except the Final Girl is having none of this bullshit today. fucked up twist ending. satisfying kills. love it

the bay - found footage film gathered from “news footage” shot the night some sort of parasitic creature wreaks havoc on a small coastal town. some good gross-outs, some good jump scares. 

and uhhhh that’s the important shit i think. i definitely feel like i’m forgetting something. will edit if i remember lmao

ETA: typed dead silence instead of dead snow for some reason

[rhysand-vs-fenrys]

I have a friend who's really struggling with depression. She lives a ways a way so I rarely see her face to face anymore, but lately she's gotten worse. She's said and posted some pretty dark stuff, which I'll obviously comment on, telling her I'm sorry she's going through what she is and that i love her, she's important. I know that saying that doesn't usually have much of an effect, but i don't know what else to say. help?

I haven’t exactly been upfront about this (I haven’t been secretive about it either), but for the longest time I felt like I was buried alive underneath my depression and actually attempted suicide twice.

For me, personally, I felt like I was a burden to others and that they were only acting like they cared because they felt that they had to. I didn’t believe my friends were genuine, I always thought they just tolerated me.

In thinking of how to answer this ask, I tried to remember what pulled me out of that. I still suffer from depression, some weeks are easier than others, but I know I’ll never let it take me back to that place again. What I came up with wasn’t so much stuff you can say to them, but if you want to forward this message on to them, it’s just easier for me to speak to those suffering directly. 

It’s the only way I know how.

So, some stuff that’s helped me:

Being up front about it.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done is tell my parents that my “accidents” where I “caught my wrist on a desk” were actually me trying to cut my wrists (I scratched them with a fingernail until they bled). Now, my parents response was… abysmal. My mother said “Do you feel like that right now?” (I told them after I’d gotten through the worst of it and so I said ‘no’), then “Well, go empty the dishwasher.” and we never spoke of it again.It was overwhelmingly disappointing, I was angry at her for a long time over it, but the point is it helped me, and I realized in the end that was all that mattered. I don’t care how it made her feel, because it made me feel stronger to address it face first.Even when you know it’s depression, sometimes just turning around and facing the monster behind you, giving it a name and telling someone close to you what it is and what it’s doing is all you need to fight and conquer it. It will never be gone, but you’ll be stronger than it always, and that knowledge is the greatest thing. Talking to your friends about it is one thing- online or in person. Talking to family about it can make the difference.

Try to figure out what triggered the “episode”

As I said and as you all know, Depression is with you for life. Still, it seems to hit you like a roller coaster- sometimes you’re at the peak, on top of it and you can see the whole world, and sometimes you’re stuck at the bottom and it feels like it’s burying you alive.Before each fall, something triggers it. It might be a bad week, a stresser from school, or something even you didn’t realize. Just- look at where you are, and how you feel you got there.That’s the thing about Depression- you hear people say a lot “I know it’s not rational but-”, and that right there is the problem. “I know it’s not rational”. Nothing about Depression is rational. That is why it’s so dangerous. If it affects you, if it’s hurting you, then it’s the most rational thing in the world. Don’t try to force yourself to dismiss a stresser just because it seems like something other people wouldn’t see as a trigger for the down swing. Be selfish. If it affects you, if it hurts you or even if it’s something that makes you happy for two damn seconds, be selfish. Say “This is what’s bothering me.” and don’t let anyone say “well that’s dumb” because they aren’t the ones feeling what you are feeling. They can fuck off. Depression is serious, therefore your trigger was a serious incident. I don’t care if it’s just how someone on the street looked at you one day- it means something to you. Therefore, it means something.

Remember your “wings”

My depression began around 3rd grade (I was subjected to heavy bullying 3rd-5th). Back then, I processed things by telling myself stories, and I think that’s where this one came from. It may seem stupid, childish, or silly, but see above. It helped me, it still helps me, therefore nothing about it is stupid, childish, or silly.The way I see the world, every single person has these invisible wings- like angel wings- that they carry with them always. When you’re suffering under depression, it feels like you are dragging your wings on the ground. Like they’re bleeding, dirty, limp, too weak to hold up, and just overall dull and flat.When you’re angry, they’re tipped in steel and iron, and they can hurt you as much as others.When you’re living up to your potential, when you find your purpose and hit your stride, they’re out and clean and they can shine as bright as the sun, and make you shine by comparison.When those hard times hit, when your wings are dragging and dirty and broken and bleeding, just imagine you are wrapping your wings up in a cloth. They’ll still drag a while, they still feel raw and aching, but by imagining you are wrapping them and maybe brushing off some of that dust and debris at the end of the day, you’re giving yourself permission to feel it.You aren’t denying to yourself that you are depressed, that it’s one of those days where you just can’t hold yourself up, but you’re giving yourself permission to turn around and see that. To do more than just know you feel down, you’re facing it. When I imagine those wings wrapped in a sheet or a towel, it’s like saying “Things are really hard right now, but we’ll get through it. I’ll keep you safe. It’s alright.”Like I said, I think that originated because of how young I was when I really became aware of my depression, and some days it feels like an ache in your heart, but I always try to remember the wings.

Re-examine why you surround yourself with who you have.

This one seems a bit brutal, and it should be said I was raised in a military family. You moved every few years and back then we didn’t have facebook and hardly used e-mail, so when someone moved away, they basically stopped existing. It means I’ve gotten very good at cutting people out of my life, too good which is something I’ve been working on lately.Anyways, this one can be really hard. I still have my journal from when my depression was bad, before I’d sort of flipped that switch and shut off the part of me that wanted to die (I explain it in this section, just later on), I kept writing about the same thing: My mask.I’d write about how it felt like I wore this mask for my friends, and they couldn’t see me decaying beneath it. I didn’t think they even cared. I described myself as a walking corpse- rotting away, my skin turning black and blue as I decomposed behind that mask.One day I looked at that journal- and it’s something I can rarely look at even now, it’s just incredibly dark- and I realized there was something else in my words, something I never noticed:I said the mask was what was killing me, what made me decay and die without anyone noticing. So… what happened if I took the mask off?I felt like I had to be a certain person around my friends- behave a certain way, dress, act, like certain things- but what if I stopped that? I loved them, I called them my best friends, but if I was so incredibly unhappy around them… maybe… maybe that was hurting me. Now, I will say the people I was hanging around with at the time were nice. They were always nice to me, genuinely, and we didn’t really fight… But when I took off that mask and stopped doing stuff because it was how I was supposed to be around them, we drifted apart…… and I found new friends. People I didn’t have to wear a mask around. People who loved me exactly as I was. I didn’t think I’d find others with my brand of weird, but I did! It was scary, and difficult, and heartbreaking because I lost friendships I’d had for a long time… but I stopped writing about that mask. I stopped feeling the decay eating away at me.And that’s how I flipped that switch and that’s how the part of me that wanted to die finally did. I haven’t even thought about suicide in over 10 years now. My depression is still bad, there are still days- weeks even- where it’s hard to get up and function, but I know in my soul that I won’t get to that place again where I want to take my own life… And it’s because I found a way to pull that mask off.It’s the hardest thing you will ever do- facing yourself. That’s not a cliche, turning around and actually really, truly looking into the mirror hurts… but while it may feel at first like it’s leaving you hollow, if you felt like you were dead inside then just think of it as burning away the rot. Cauterizing the wound. I buried it in my fic “What Rises from the Ashes”, but there was a message from me to people like you- like us- who feel broken and ravaged, hollow and alone, like the person who smiled once upon a time is nothing but a rotted corpse:“… the creature that rises from our ashes can be beautiful too.”As scary as it is, as frightening as it seems when you notice those old friends pulling away, I promise you the person who emerges is stronger and more beautiful than the one you’re burning away. Let the part of you that wants to die die, let the rest of you grow strong once it’s pollution is gone. I realize those are strong words, and there are probably other ways to phrase it someone would recommend, but that is always how I’ve seen it, and it helps me... That piece of me was monumental, all-consuming, all-powerful- and now there’s nothing left of her. Just the tombstone, to remind me that I beat her. That part of me that wanted to die, that said the world would be better off without me--- I realized my world was better off without her. My life is better off without her...I can’t explain how exactly I beat that part of me, how I cauterized that wound. That’s why I keep mixing my metaphors, because I really can’t explain it. But one day you’ll see your opening, however brief it may be. That nasty voice will lose its power for a second, and if you pounce you can silence its poisonous words. The depression is still there, but the teeth are gone. That extra darkness is gone.Never wear a mask again. There are enough people in this world that I swear to you, you’ll find someone with your brand of weird… and the friendship that comes from that will make the other look thin as tissue paper.

A few quotes that helped me:

I really can’t explain it with these quotes. I’d flipped that switch on the side of me that wanted to die- I ripped that mask off at long last and… …. …Beneath the depression was rage… anger and wrath and a deep bitterness. I compared what I felt beneath that mask to something rotted and decomposing, well I saw the anger at the heart of my depression as an infection that was poisoning me alive.These two quotes… I really can’t explain it. I read them maybe 2-4 days apart and they shook me to my core. Never before- and never since- has something stuck with me so wholly and completely.So, I share them with you now- with anyone facing depression- and I hope somehow you find the same strength in them I did. I say them to myself a dozen times per day, I’m going to have the last lines of the first one (I’ll put it in italics) tattooed on my arm (in Latin, the original language, which I will put in parentheses)It’s easy to descend into Hell.All day and all night the dark doors of Hades stand open.But to retrace the path, to emerge once again in the sweet air of heaven…This is your task, and therein lies your burden (hoc opus, hic labor est)– Vergil, ‘The Aeneid’—– With depression, fighting your way back to happiness feels like a burden, this monumental task you’ll never overcome. What this quote reminds me, every day, is that the easy road only leads deeper into hell. If you want to feel better, if you want to smile and feel the sun again, you have to fight.The easy road is the one that makes things worse. Just keep walking, just keep breathing and fighting and wrapping those wings up when they drag on the ground, and eventually the hard world becomes soft again. Eventually you realize that’s sun on your face, and without even noticing when it happened, you find yourself smiling again.The other quote is simple, but important:Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.— You are not alone. What you are feeling is not wrong. You aren’t isolated, you just haven’t found the others yet. You’re fighting a war, but you aren’t the only soldier on the battlefield.It might take weeks, months, years, but eventually you’ll find someone else who’s waged that war along side you- even if we’ve never met. When one of us fights depression, we fight for everyone else like us. We fight so that others can one day see where we are and we can help fight for you too.I fought my depression, and while we still spar, I don’t feel so overwhelmed anymore. Even the days I feel like I’m drowning, I know there is a pillar of steel and diamond in my soul, and that will always keep me standing.I fought my depression, and if someone needs me to help fight theirs, I will always show them they aren’t fighting alone. I’m beside them every step of the way. Even if it’s just through posts like this, the battle can be won. We will fight this, and we will survive to spite the evil bastard that tries to steal our happiness away.

Like I said at the start of this, these aren’t really things you can say to someone. That’s the hardest part of depression and watching someone go through it- the greatest thing you can do for that person is help them fight.

There’s no ‘magic bullet’ phrase or fortune-cookie wisdom you can offer to get them through it… Here, I’ve shown you all my soul. This is how I fought it. This is how I’m still fighting.

But I know my strength, I know I’ll always win because I don’t accept any other truth.For your friend, just be there. Send them this and see if they can take some of my strength for their fight. I have enough to spare.And for the days when it is very difficult, its never too late to ask someone to share their strength with you. I’ve linked this paragraph to a place where you can find suicide and depression hotlines (I just googled a search tool that can be used no matter what country you’re in). I used to think it was embarrassing to have to call something like that- but those people are there because they love you. They don’t even know you, but for them the idea of a world without you is so abhorrent, they’re going to sit there, waiting by the phone, to give you every last ounce of strength they can.I hope this helps, I truly do.xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[frvnkreloaded]

With all of the students currently enjoying or dreading the time that they were having in Miami for the week, the campus was oddly enough pretty damn quiet without a soul currently housing it. This was very much the preference of one Frank Castle, and just how he liked it. Frank was always one who enjoyed his quiet time and peace these days, and as a former Marine that peace and quiet was getting harder and harder to come by the more he stayed around this chaotic campus. There were often many times he considered leaving, especially when the chaos was at its highest peak, but something within him stirred enough to make him ride out these waves of events that kept the widely proclaimed “Punisher” around. And while he knew that Wilson Fisk was gearing up for what was sure to be some sort of unprecedented plot that would attain him massive power and control of the city, that hadn't been the number one item on his mind or agenda lately. Rather, instead of a what, it had been a who. He knew she was bonafide crazy, he knew that she was unpredictable and chaotic, and he knew for damn sure that she was a bad girl through and through. So why the hell had Harley Quinn been invading the mind of one of the most cold hearted and ruthless vigilantes on the planet and why hadn't he put her down for the count yet? He'd put her down alright, but it wasn't with a gun and it definitely wasn't on the cold cement of the city streets for damn sure. Rather, a bed and couch, and honestly for someone who rarely engaged in sexual activity if any since the death of his family, it was rather enthralling. But if he couldn't put down a criminal like her, then what the fuck did that say about Frank? Was “Red” onto something like so many others when he said that Frank was a psychopath? Nah, couldn't be. He ran his hands through his hair, opening his eyes once more to adjust to the dim lighting of the room he currently presided in. “So basically, you're telling me that you think you're crazy because you couldn't put down a clown, and because you had sex with her?” Curtis, his old war buddy from the Afghan wars questioned, horribly hiding his small chuckle from Frank. The irony of the situation pretty much spoke for itself, but that didn't stop Frank from grumbling and getting even more annoyed. “This shit ain't funny Curtis. Ever since I put down those dirtbags and pieces of shit who were responsible for my family dying, I've been at an impasse, ya know? I'm not sure what the hell I'm supposed to do, and there ain't no way in hell that I can just sit here and work security for a dumb ass campus full of ungrateful assholes,” he shrugged, shaking his head at his words. “Well tell me Frank, are you happy with where you're at now? Seems to me like you're always happiest, if that word can even be applied to you, is whenever you've got a war to fight and a war to wage, yeah?” Curtis inquired, and Frank could begrudgingly agree, even if he never verbally admitted. He was a former soldier, whose war was finally over both nationally and personally and hadn't a clue what the hell he was going to do next. The only reason he had this job was because Matt and Elektra had recommended he take it, and now that the two of them were both dead, Frank really wasn't seeing the point in being there anymore. Had it not been for Fisk's master plan and the unstable Harley Quinn, he would've bailed long ago but now. “”You know I hate your stupid ass right?” Frank chuckled, readjusting his position in his chair as he grabbed the beer Curtis tossed him and began to take a few sips. “Yeah, and you love me all at the same time, I know. Just keep me posted on what you're doing and let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Normally I'd waive you off from somebody like that, but I can already see that in a weird ass way, you're thrilled by her so how about we leave it at that?” “Fuck you Curt,” the laughter emanated from the two, but Frank knew Curt had a point. He had a ton of shit to figure out, and had no clue how he was going to do it.

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

8/9/19 12:34 AM the super update. aka get your shit together Endgame post 1/?

Well. Here I am. It’s hard to even approach this post, to be honest. I’ve been procrastinating for so long. So long that it’s actually the last real thing I have left on my to do list.

Check this out.

I’ve been working hard at doing things lately. And catching up with you is basically the last thing left to do.

I finally spring cleaned all of my clothes and got rid of a ton of stuff that didn’t fit one way or another. 

I started playing guitar again.

I got my shit together with my job, got a bunch of online credits that I’d been procrastinating on. Started doing all the possible work I could every night to make my boss happy and it’s been making me a fuckton more money tbh. 

I’ve bought a bunch of cool shit, and been treating myself right with my food. I gained a bunch of weight back during the past year during my relationship with Andi. It’s not a terrible thing, I was treating myself. She convinced me that I deserved to treat myself and enjoy myself and that’s not a bad thing. But now I’m doing what I call Keto+, which is Keto+Beer lmfao.

I’m still going out drinking whenever I want, but for my meals I’ve stopped eating breads and rice and pasta, mostly just eating chipotle (just graduated to doing salads instead of bowls with light rice, though I wasn’t eating the rice just a bite here and there), sashimi from Hmart, lately once in a while a five guys lettuce wrap burger, back to doing salami and mozzarella at home. 

I’ve taken to fasting once a week on my thursday night shift (tonight), to try to accelerate the weight loss, but it’s not like my pov diets before because I’m still eating nuts.

It’s been a progression of increasing the amount I’ve been running (from one day to two days, to usually two maybe three days a week now, and the distance is a lot longer now), and cutting off more and more little cheats. E.g. the biggest was finally embracing sparkling waters instead of gatorade. I finally got to try Spindrift off a recommendation from a magic the gathering podcast, and it’s incredible. Only like 3 calories a can and it actually tastes good from the real juice and not bitter in the aftertaste. 

But anyway, I’ve got plenty of money now. My debts are paid, I’m ahead on bills, I’ve got all the sweet clothes I wanted, so I finally made the call last week.

It’s time to fix my car’s bumper. I’ll try to remember to get one last picture of lexi before I fix her broken front tooth.

Do you know what that means?

It’s the Endgame.

The Get Your Shit Together List I put together years ago... well let’s take a look at what’s left of it. The sad thing about digital to do lists is you don’t see the progression though. Wish I knew what was on there. I think a lot of it was losing weight, but I skipped the whole being healthy part before.

God damn, man.

Doc last edited Oct 2, 2018. I guess I started writing this plan out Jan 2017. I think my biggest priorities then were to cut down spending and pay off my debts. 

I never started exfoliating lol. I wonder if I should do that for my nose.

I didn’t give ashleigh her plane credit part because fuckit. I did end up using mine though, to take that trip to Hawaii to visit John. Pretty fucking baller. I guess that was another big step towards getting my shit together, too.

Quit melee, but now I’ve been playing again playing jigglypuff just to hang out with my roommates. It’s really neat not grinding falco, even though I lose a lot the game’s a lot more fun again.

OH MY GOD THOSE BLUE STORAGE CUBES. When I fucking talked about spring cleaning clothes? THATS what I meant. I’ve literally had this shit on my to do list for two YEARS hahahahah. About goddamn time. Holy fuck.

Got my deviated septum fixed, didn’t cost nearly that much thank the lawd.

Just went to the dentist, my teeth are doing great. Ironically they mentioned that I need to consider replacing one of the fillings that I mention getting here eventually. 

I did finally get a new laptop and backup the old one, uploaded that info to throw it out about two weeks ago. 

Actually got sweet ass new shoes booya checkem

I’m not vaping anymore, the whole juul pod fad never hit me. I’m doing cigarettes still, for better or for worse. Lol. I’ll take the cancer I know over the one I don’t.

But it’s better than I was when I was writing this list, I used to have to smoke one every single day after work. Maybe that was because I was hungry, but it was always this poignant craving on the back porch that I remember. Now I just like smoking when I drink mostly, but have the occasional one to chat with people or whatever.

Playing guitar again, not frequently, might start at work more since I’m playing the electric since I don’t have an acoustic available. Maybe I’ll even learn these songs. Playing guitar is great though, I kinda wanna be in a band sometime. That’d be fucking neat. Someone invited me to sing for his drunkenly at karaoke lol I should hit him up it’s been a minute. 

Got my nintendo switch, which I think was so far out of consideration that I deleted it from the fun stuff section. 

Who’d have thought I’d ACTUALLY start running and drinking water more. I guess I’m the greatest lmao.

Yeah man, like 15 pounds over the past 2 months. I think a lot of it was easy food weight, but it’s felt really rewarding all the same. Gotta keep it up, this 175 hurdle has been a tough nut to crack, but I’m gonna be really proud of myself once I get into the 160s territory again. I’m doing pullups slightly more, maybe I need to do the whole situps-pushups-pullups regimen right before/after running to really push it. Idk, i’m just glad i’m being good about it.

I’m even flossing once a week now.

Things are really shaping up. 

But with money in my bank account there are three options that I have.

1. Save it by buying stocks

2. Blow it by buying a bunch of dumb shit

3. Finish off the to do list and actually get my bumper fixed.

I wanted to ignore 3 because it feels like a dumb expense for a minor aesthetic, but I guess in view of all these things I’ve accomplished it really does mean quite a bit more than that. So I made a claim on a ding on the side of my car and I’m gonna see if I can get it all fixed up. I’ve actually taken on a few extra days of work lately and made even MORE extra money, so I don’t think it should knock me back financially at all. Which means that it’s time. 

I’m finally doing it.

It feels really cool. I’m a little bit anxious about it in the sense that it’s gonna be annoying if they deny me getting the bumper fixed because of the collision damage that I never reported. But whatever we’ll cross that bridge in a few weeks when I get the damage inspected and see what happens.

This has been my brag post. Hope you were able to tolerate it all. But that’s only the first phase of catching up. It’s only been a half hour of writing! I’ve got a lot of time left at work tonight and I might even spend a lot of this weekend at Darlin’s catching up if I have to. Catching up with this blog is as big a part of getting my shit together as scheduling my appointment with the car insurance was.

So what I mean to say is we’re gonna catch all the way through my greensboro days up to now. I have some saucy tales and some not-so-saucy ones. I’ve got a full relationship to blab about, and honestly one thing that I had promised her and was on a bunch of my old to do lists was to do like a whole pro-con listing about her persona, which felt weird and I kept procrastinating on but god dammit I’m gonna get everything off my to do lists. 

So I looked back a little and it looks like the last posts I made were about sally, Becky,  whatever the hell my dealings with Taylor were, and the beginnings of Mary. Which means that we’re gonna flesh out Mary, and then you’ve got Sophie, Rachel, Olivia, Andi, Jennifer, Heather, and Jill to look forward to.  Whew baby.